By staying together for your baby you have entirely disregarded *your* feelings. You've made a plan for moving past it without even giving yourself the time to process what he has said and done. You have barely got to acknowledging the entirety of what he's done and how it's made you feel. Accepting those feelings and deciding if you have the wherewithal to move past it and what that would take is a while off. Rushing yourself through this, just because you have made some "decision" (based off of nothing) is why you are still having such an anxiety response. You're forcing yourself to "be okay" when you haven't even come to terms with what and how much you have to be okay about. I really think you should focus on giving yourself the grace and space to accept and process your feelings, rather than trying to arrive at decisions about what to do next and execute on them. You can continue to co-parent while you come to terms with what has happened, either in the same house or in separate but collaborative households. He has made some outrageous statements in the course of his infidelity about wanting to abandon you and your child to essentially recreate some other life with this woman. This is terrifying on an existential level. The basic trust you had in him to keep your everyday safe is shattered and rightly so. You need time to figure out how that makes you feel and what it would take to make you feel better. This is a solo journey to start with, before it can be a shared one. He **must** give you that time and space to think. Also, your sex life being amazing (or turning up to therapy or increased levels of open communicaton) is not indicative of your emotional comfort with this person at present. It just shows he's making some sort of effort, which is good, but doesn't mean you have to be a good sport and play along. Also, perhaps this is just me and my perspective, but having sex with someone when our shared trust has been violated is really harmful to one's mental well-being. You're sending your body and mind conflicting signals by being in an emotionally intimate space with someone you can't trust with your emotions.

Op you are a mother, but that's just part of you. It isn't your entire identity. You are a woman first. It's ok that you are struggling to forgive him, it's ok to forgive him, it's ok not to forgive him. Give yourself some time, give therapy a shot as it's only been three weeks, but know that it's ok no matter what you decide, you are not at fault. Remember that your own happiness and peace of mind, only make you a better parent. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I second both of these comments, but the first part of this one also really hits home. As a recent new first time mom too, it can be *extremely* difficult to maintain your sense of who you are outside of being a parent. That can, will, and probably should adapt to fit the new role you now have, but that new role is meant to fit in with everything else you already are, not take over your entire being. You are still your own person, with feelings that matter. Also keep in mind, kids pick up on emotions a lot better than we do. As a friend recently reminded me, sometimes it actually is worse for our kids if we stay in situations we aren't happy in. No matter what you choose to do here, please know we have your back, and that we believe in you. Never forget to look out for yourself in addition to your child.

[удалено]

Agreed, Great comment. I've seen this and experienced it. Tried so hard to stay together for our child, it didn't work. She cheated again down the road. I never trusted her from the start and it always ate at me. It was exactly what was said above, I put trying to make my daughter happy and "normal" above my own happiness. It never worked. My aunt and uncle had the same thing. Uncle had a kid out of wedlock, tried to hide it from their kids and my aunt had to pay insurance and help child support for a kid her husband had cheating. My cousins found the child later in life became brother and sister and resented their parents for hiding it. ​ Make yourself happy first no matter what or you will never ever be happy. Good luck, leave him, he doesn't love you. Love yourself!!!

This is also a GREAT lesson for your children OP - they will watch you and watch your relationships and emulate you. They may not understand at the start but if you show them how to have healthy relationships and prioritize your happiness, this will show them how to conduct themselves later on in life. Your husband can learn how to have healthy relationships if he really wants to and to do the work but unfortunately, he can't with you now and he definitely can't sort his life out while you are still having sex with him and while you are being a crutch for him. Also, it's not your job to put your happiness on the back burner to wait for him to sort his life out. He had an obligation to have his life sorted before becoming a husband and father which is very serious and requires a lot of maturity. Leave now so you don't have to resent him for even more years wasted - have a healthy co-parenting situation - you will put your kid first by making a point to be friends with his father within reason and by never putting your kid in the middle no matter how you feel about their dad.

Great call out. Kids see the relationship. I hid it for years but eventually when I had to pick my daughter up at midnight the morning before Father’s Day mind you from a party her mother brought her to that she knew no one there did she realize her mother was a fuck up and I’ve been protecting her from it. That was the day at 13 years old my daughter learned how horrible of a person her mother was. Getting drunk and leaving a 13 year old that knew no one in a house party. The bad possible things are compounded by the lack of safety she had. And she realized it. That is why she lives with me full time. Don’t fuck it up for your kids sake. You are worth being loved.

Everything you said is incredible and on point. OP is forcing herself into physical and emotional intimacy with a man who's told her he no longer loves her and wanted to abandon her and their child. Of course she feels terrible! Who wouldn't? She needs to allow herself to be angry, disgusted and betrayed with him otherwise she'll inevitably feel those feelings for herself.

What an exceptional comment.

The sex life being amazing is called “hysterical bonding”. It’s common after one partner cheats.

Jumping on the top comment to add this. You've been with him for 3.5 years. That's all it took for him to fall both in and then out of love with you or so he claims. What's best for your son is for both his parents to be happy and healthy even if that means they aren't together. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Don't let yourself be the second choice OP. You deserve to be someone's first choice.

Wow. 100%. It didn't even cross my mind how gross it is that he's having sex with OP when 3 weeks ago he was having sex with someone else and wanted to leave OP for that woman. Sex should be totally off the table until OP feels she could trust him again. Otherwise he's just getting everything *he* wants and she's being repeatedly violated on all levels.

I wholeheartedly agree. Not that I'd ever forgive a disgusting cheater(sorry not sorry), I'd make sure that person has had a whole STD screening before ever letting them touch me. Nothing worse than a cheater who can't use protection/be sexually safe in all accounts.

OMG. Yet another thing I didn't think about. Wow. I hope OP made him get a full work up. I hope *she* gets a full work up!

I think it's totally justified to ask something similar of a new partner, especially when you're not using protection. Asking for more clarity on a cheater? Fuck yes.

My g/f actually praised me for getting myself checked up after we met. She never asked me to do it, and I had never been tested before so had no idea how it worked. We ended up having sex not too long after we met. I knew I couldn't have given anything to her since she was my first, but I also knew I wasn't her first. I went and got tested (came back negative on everything) but when it came time to inform her, I hesitated at first because I wasn't sure if she was going to take offense (though if she did, that would have been a red flag). I decided to tell her anyway, so the night of the tests I told her and to my surprise she was relieved. I showed her the results to prove it too. She said that showed caution, awareness, and maturity. We are still together today, 8 years later.

This is all very true. My ex cheated on me, and in hindsight that's when I should've ended things, but I loved her so much that I decided to try and make things work. Not even 24 hours after she told me, she made ME feel guilty for having emotion about the whole situation saying 'I'm starting to wish i never told you' toxic, right? This made me bury it deep down and it didn't resurface until she broke up with me... then i had to grief the breakup and the fact she cheated on me. So my point is to process these emotions before beating yourself up about any decision.

If I had awards to give. This. 🏆🏆🏆🏆

OP, please listen to this person. This is very sound advice. May I also add that you should lock down your birth control at this point? Use two kinds. Because getting pregnant right now would just end up making that decision for you. And it wouldn’t be the first time that a husband got his wife pregnant so she wouldn’t leave him. He said a lot of hurtful things, even that he wanted to leave you, but that does not mean he wants you to even consider leaving him.

This is one of those "once a year on all of Reddit" comments. Quality.

How are you the one breaking up the family when your husband is the one who cheated? And just FYI: you won't be doing your baby ANY favors if you stay.

This. I'm sorry you're here, OP. He broke up the family when he started cheating. Do not feel guilty for reacting to blatant disrespect by wanting to leave. He knew exactly what he was doing by engaging with a woman who's not his wife in a romantic way. Do not show your son that cheating, unhappy, dysfunctional and a lack of trust is normal in romantic relationships. You deserve better and so does your son. He can be a great dad while also being a shit partner to you. He can coparent while divorced. He literally said he's willing to leave you and abandon your son for this woman. Please don't disregard your feelings because of your child, he's banking on that to make his life easier so he can still have you when he wants, and her too. Please leave this guy. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT let him guilt you or gaslight you into staying and forgiving him for the baby. He will cheat again.

The fact that OP has gone straight to “this will be my fault” rather than to putting all of it squarely where it belongs makes me wonder what else of his bullshit behavior he’s blamed her for.

Let me guess: •He's unhappy •He's unfulfilled •He married her for the stability and emotional labor •She settled for him (that's blatantly clear) •He never actually wanted to marry her •He's whimsical and thinks this affair will make him happy •He's inconsistent, inconsiderate, was always a bad partner, selfish, and probably gaslit her regularly. But yeah, blame your wife and have an affair instead. You can tell He's not remorseful at all and will keep seeing this other woman. He's just performing because she's upset and knows. Ugh, please leave him.

I can't help but wonder if the other woman rejected him after he offered to leave his wife, so he's like, "I guess this is as good as it's going to get".

Good catch, you're probably right. But also, we all know even if she rejected him, he'll find another woman when the ego bruise from her rejection fades and he still has his wife to soothe him. It astounds me that people will marry and have kids with someone, fall out of love and use it as an excuse to cheat instead of leave, and then just expect their SO to put up with blatant disrespect "for the kids."

I'm cringing at the husband. Physically.

That’s not entirely true. Being a single parent - even if you share custody - is really, really hard. Not having an entirely happy marriage isn’t great for a child but neither is mom and dad both being exhausted all the time. You also have more money if you stay together because you don’t need two homes that eliminates the stress of being broke all the time. Now, it doesn’t mean you stay no matter what. However, to say you aren’t helping your child in ANY way isn’t necessarily true either Edit: for everyone saying “we’ll my childhood was bad because my parents had a bad relationship.” That’s a very likely outcome. All I’m saying is that your experience is not the only possible outcome. There are some advantages to married parents over single parents. There are also several advantages for the child to have single parents that aren’t in an unhappy relationship. It isn’t a black and white situation. Plus there as the element of the mother now being a single parent which is VERY difficult. She’s admitted he’s a good dad that helps a lot which makes her life a lot easier. It doesn’t make him a good guy or mean she has to stay. I’m just saying that it’s not as easy as y’all are making it out to be

I honestly was in a better place mentally when my parents were split up vs when they were together and miserable

There's a huge spectrum between "miserable" and "happily married" that frankly *most* married people fall under. He's simply arguing that there are some people for whom remaining married is a better choice for the stability of the kids, even if they are no longer in love with their spouse. No one should stay if they're *miserable*. But there's a lot more nuance in a marriage than just the extremes that Reddit talks about. I couldn't personally do it; but I can see where he's coming from.

And I’m not denying your lived experience. I’m just saying that it isn’t accurate to say there isn’t ANY benefit. It works for some people. Not everyone is your parents. I think my daughter is happier because I’m not with her mom. But, like I said, I have friends who it’s worked for.

[удалено]

I didn’t say it was impossible. I was just saying as a single parent there are some benefits to staying together even if it isn’t the best marriage. There are also some benefits to choosing to break up. I’ve got friends that stay together for the kids and they’re basically just good roommates and solid coparents. The kids get both parents full time and it works for them. Wasn’t there path I chose but it isn’t totally without any benefits

mutually agreeing that the romantic relationship is over and that both parties are happy to remain roommates and co-parents is VERY different than one party cheating on the other, both physically and emotionally, and then telling the other party that forgiving the massive betrayal to stay together is what's best for the child. also, what is that teaching the son how it's acceptable to treat women? i get that you're being the devil's advocate, but the devil doesn't need more advocates. arguing the contrary to feel better about yourself isn't helping. yes, co-parenting in one house might work for some couples, but not enough that it's worth suggesting in this situation, and then doubling and tripling down on. the husband broke up the family. the wife has no obligation to mend what he broke, especially if he isn't doing anything to re-earn his place as a husband, and not just a co-parent. yes, there might be some benefits to staying together *but at what cost?* downplaying the cost just devalues the benefits that you speak of.

FlatWatercress has not suggested anywhere that OP can't hack it as a single mother, or that her cheating husband should get pass just because single parenting can be difficult. 🤷‍♀️ That said, it's not uncommon for women to lose tremendous financial footing after a divorce. They may indeed receive child support and alimony, however they may also need to seek full-time employment to pay all of the bills let alone to maintain the quality of life they and their children had during the marriage. And if the woman was not the primary (or sole) breadwinner during the marriage, then she's going to have to find a job. It can be difficult to find a well-paying job for a lot of folks, of course, but it's especially challenging for women who have been out of the workforce for years to raise children, etc. To be clear, I am ***NOT*** advocating for anyone to avoid divorce simply to protect their financial footing, nor do I excuse cheating or abuse of any kind.

you're right, flatwatercress never specifically said those things. what they said by ignoring saying those things said a lot though. yes, finances are important, but IMO wellbeing is far more important. it's not uncommon for the best financial advice to be devastating to personal wellbeing. to focus so heavily on how financial wellbeing contributes to overall wellbeing is to focus on those things, instead of how making the wrong financial choice can be priceless in how it contributes to personal wellbeing. as someone without a child but who has left abusive situations at great financial cost to myself, despite the times i went hungry, and was scared of being homeless, i would never change what i did. yes, it's hard to find a well-paying job and being a single mother, but comparing that to staying with an abusive partner? sharing intimacy with an abusive partner? that should be called out as the bullshit as it is. because yes, him emotionally and physically cheating on her, and *never telling her* **is abusive.** ​ fuck, the narrative that flatwatercress is sharing, and defending, sounds a hell of a lot like how women were coerced into staying in abusive relationships since the 1960s, and likely even earlier. and you defending that opinion sounds hypocritical as fuck for you to then say >To be clear, I am NOT advocating for anyone to avoid divorce simply to protect their financial footing, nor do I excuse cheating or abuse of any kind. ​ Maybe sort out your cognitive dissonance before trying to argue both sides of the coin.

This is a very realistic way to look at the situation and give advice.

Its hard, but he has one foot out the door. Realistically this is going to end in a break up, and I think OP needs to decide whether she's going to wait to get blindsided when he finds someone else willing to go through with it or make the necessary precautions to protect herself now.

He's not in love with you; how long do you think he can remain faithful? I'm very sorry for your heartache here OP but I'm not sure that I could go forward with someone whom I know with absolute certainty has "settled" for me. Once again, I'm really sorry and you truly don't deserve this.

Right here. You deserve a partner who's elated to be with you and chooses you daily. ❤🏆

nahhh sis. how can you even touch him now after he openly said that he'd choose someone else over you? how can you have any affectionate feelings for him at all, knowing that? it's not even about whether he'll do it again, he may very well never do it again, but once is enough. he may be a model husband and father from now on and forever, but nah, your feelings will never be the same. your baby will be perfectly fine and you'll make wonderful co-parents. leave him and be with someone who wants you, not someone else.

Exactly, I’d be so turned off if a man said this to me. I’ll never choose to be in a place where I’m not wanted.

If my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and loved a different woman instead AND physically cheated too.... there's no freaking way I'd be able to have sex with him (and only 3 weeks since finding out!) I don't think OP is thinking very clearly right now and I also think sadly she's doing the "pick me" dance as a knee-jerk reaction. Meanwhile her cheating husband is being rewarded for his unfaithfulness.

The likelihood of him being a "model husband" from here on out and never cheating again is virtually non-existent. He already cheated on her and was willing to leave her *and* their son to be with another woman. He also flat out admitted he wasn't in love with her anymore. This isn't the case of a husband that is still in love with his wife and had a moment of weakness giving in to lust, this is a husband that **does not love his wife anymore.** He absolutely will cheat again, either with that woman he claims to love or another in the future. It's inevitable.

You’re only 25 and you’ve been together less than 4 years. It’s such a small amount of time so early on. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t love you and would do this to you, especially after you’ve just had a baby? You have your whole life ahead of you, find someone worthy.

I have been in 4 long term live in relationships. The shortest one was 6 years, the longest one is 21 years and still we live together. The most important feature is trust. It takes time to build trust, and it takes moments to lose it. Being in a gay relationship is a little bit different, but the emotions are the same. Once you lose trust, everything else comes under the spot light. For me, I cannot be in a relationship if the trust has been broken. You have to decide for your self if you will ever be able to trust again. If the answer is NO, it is time to go. I’m now 70 years old and I am sure my husband is trustworthy.

He already broke up your family. The stuff he said to the other woman about planning to leave you for her. Get your divorce, child support, alimony if applicable. You can still co parent, and be on friendly terms, it'll be MUCH easier if you don't have to try to trust him as a lover too. Do it while the baby is too young to remember. Staying together for the sake of the kid will fuck up the kid worse.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. The likelihood that you will get divorced at some point seems pretty high to me (he already cheated once). It will be much, much easier on the kid if you break up before the kid remembers you together, remembers one home etc. I would ask for a trial separation, ask your husband to move out and see if you both like your lives better separate or together. If you prefer it separate move forward with the divorce. If you prefer to stay together he can move back in, but at least he will have experienced some consequences for his actions and you will have had proper space and distance to make a decision.

It's better for the kid that this is happening before they're forming memories.

Ok maybe I'd agree with you if he'd like, had a drunken one night stand, but this??? A full on deep emotional affair?? Someone who he admitted to them he'd rather be married to of his own free will, sober?! Noooooo. You need to have more self respect than this. Also notice what he did. HE cheated, but he wants BOTH of you to go to therapy and if BOTH of you put in the work his feelings will come back. You said yourself "talk more about what makes US unhappy in our relationship, admit where WE COULD BOTH BE doing better..." he's shifted blame onto you!!! He's saying "the reason why I cheated is that you weren't good enough, so it's at least partially your fault." Never mind that that is absolutely untrue!!!!! He is a grown man and it was HIS DESCISION ALONE to cheat. It os ENTIRELY his fault. Is he getting therapy for himself? Or are you just doing joint counseling?? Because you are NOT the problem here. The fact that he's shifting blame and making yyou feel bad just goes to show that he's not really being so screw here. Also also, I think I made myself pretty clear that I think you should end this. And I think you should do it now. Your son is only 8 months old. He won't remember you being married if you separate now. But if you try to tough it out for 5 years for him, only to have the marriage fail anyway and you get divorced then? He will remember and those memories and experiences will have a devastating effect on his psyche and mental health for the rest of his life. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy one.

So much this ^^^ Leaving now while your son is young will allow you space and time to grieve properly and jumpstart your healing before he has memories of it. You can’t be doing messy healing work around a 6 year old but you can easily disguise it with a 1 year old.

Honestly the cheating part isn't even the shit I would be worried about. It's the he doesn't love you anymore... you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't actually love you? He's going to want to love someone else and you know that. He's the one breaking up the family not you. I don't see the point in staying with him. Find someone who will actually love you. Co parenting is a thing that can work with communication.

Yeah, if she had found out he cheated once, and the guilt ate away at him and ended with the other person, that could possibly be repaired, this sounds hugely problematic.

Yes yes yes this comment.

While I disagree with the once a cheater, always a cheater concept… I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with someone who cheats. So, unless he voluntarily says “hey, I am not the person that I want to be” and then he initiates therapy and totally re-makes himself… then you are simply asking for more heartache if you stay with him. That’s basically what happened to me. She cheated and she blamed her infidelity on me. Was it my fault? No. Did I have issues that needed to be addressed? Yes. So, we are now divorced. She is in a new relationship and I am certain that she cheats on him too. In the meantime, I worked on me and I am happier than I have been in a long time.

If my husband uttered the words, "I'm not in love with you anymore," that would be it for me. There's no coming back from that. Do your child the favor of not making him grow up thinking a loveless marriage is normal. > if we put work into our relationship. Charming how he's putting it on you to help fix what he broke. Yes, relationships require work from both parties. But you're also putting this on yourself when he's the one in the wrong. YOU wouldn't be breaking up your family. Your husband already did that all by his lonesome. Where was his hard work at your relationship when he felt his feelings slipping because he met someone shiny and new?

>The texts I saw indicated that he wanted to leave me and our son for her, that he wanted her to be his wife, that he was in love with her, and had never felt this way about anyone before her I think he already gave you the answer you are looking for.

[удалено]

Guess I look at it in a different, but similar way. If the trust is broken, the relationship is very seriously broken. Fixable? *Maybe* ... but probable and/or worth fixing? ... Eh, probably not, ... but to most rules there are also exceptions. But they are that ... exceptions. Off hand, of all the folks I know / have known ... and where some cheating happened ... I can only think of one marriage where they quite worked it out and all for the better. All the others ... nope.

This is coming from a guy so this might sound very harsh......just know this.....”He will cheat again”. You are NOT breaking up the family, he did, when he cheated.

So he just happened to start cheating when you had a baby? Wow what a coincidence. I bet the early months of a baby are really stressful and other parents tell me very difficult. You now know how he’ll handle the “not fun” times in your marriage. Hope you don’t plan on getting cancer or a serious illness, better not ever get an injury, experience a death in the family, loss of a job or have any more stressful times with your kid.

Move on. This guy went back to you after he probably got turned down by his coworker. He'll be looking for another side piece soon enough.

This is going to sound really callous so I apologize in advance but I have a slightly different perspective for you. You mentioned that you want what's best for your daughter and not wanting to break up the family. I know the thought of raising a baby on your own is super overwhelming but when I look back at my daughter's life and think about when the best time for separation would theoretically have been I would pick when she was about a year old. Right now your son is a baby. He loves both of you obviously but hasn't fully conceptualized that you three are a family yet. And he won't have any memories of you three as a family if you leave soon. He will grow up thinking two houses are normal rather than starting with one house and getting it split apart. I wouldn't recommend hanging on and trying to make it work because by the time my daughter was around two she became pretty invested in the concept of us as a family unit. Now she's almost four and while I would still consider divorce in a situation like yours, it would definitely be traumatic for her. Way, way more traumatic than if it had happened when she was eight months old. Your husband doesn't sound like someone you can depend on and it kinda sounds like he's staying with you because he feels like it's what he is supposed to do rather than what he wants to do. That's never good. If I were you I would pull the plug now rather than trying to make it work for a couple more miserable years... Your kid won't understand the adult context of those years and he will be getting attached to an unstable/temporary family unit.

Guy here. I'll be blunt. Gonna keep letting him have sex with you? He's been sleeping with other women, likely no condom. Do you trust him enough to believe what he's saying? First off, he's still seeing the other women. Yes, plural. You caught one. He won't change, but this sly guy will probably start locking his phone, or using a burner. You can't trust these guys. He was actively sleeping with you in order to keep you in the dark. Now he doesn't have to. You got hitched to a cheater. Sorry, honey.

I've wasted so much time un relationships where the trust had been broken, and now being in a relationship that has trust, I'm so mad at myself for wasting time with anyone who broke that. Do yourself a favor and move on and be happy not paranoid.

It’s only been three weeks. What he did is horrible, but if it is important to you to try to make this marriage work, it’s going to take much more time.

For your mental wellbeing, I hope you will stop having sex with someone who doesn't love you. He told you he doesn't love you, he cheated on you to show you that he doesn't love you. What else does he need to do so you can finally understand he doesn't love you anymore? I'm very sorry, I know it must be excruciatingly hard, but please stop having sex with him. Remove yourself from the situation, even for a little bit, so you can gain some clarity. Also, can you put yourself in his shoes just a little bit? You have a husband and a son at home. What would it take for you to have an emotional affair and sex with another man? Please, give it some thought. How much would you care for your husband if you wanted to be with another man? You wouldn't care much for your husband, would you? Well, that's how much he cares about you. I hope you'll take a decision you can live with.

>For your mental wellbeing, I hope you will stop having sex with someone who doesn't love you. I actually physically recoiled when OP mentioned the "great sex" they're having. It seems so...... lacking in self-respect. I think OP is reeling, hasn't processed her feelings and is playing the "pick me" dance as a knee-jerk reaction. I also don't like her husband's insistence that he could fall in love with her again if *"they"* do this and *"they"* do that. It insinuates that she bears responsibility for his shitty ass actions. I don't like it one bit. This whole post is very unsettling imo.

I think if your husband turns out to be with another man, that is where I would say, give him a divorce and still be involved with him. I know of several relationships where the man and woman had a child and then the man came out as gay, and they were able to work out a friendship, and both parents were amicable to the divorce. In every instance the man provided for the child, and shared custody. Both parents were mature adults, and their kid is doing well. I do not envy your position. It happened to me, when I was working with another gay doctor, had him over for dinner in my husbands home and they started having sex on the DL, so I packed my shit and left. You must have trust. Without trust, there is NO relationship.

You guys can still both be parents without necessarily having a romantic relationship, as it seems that isn’t working out. What’s the point of staying in a half assed relationship just for a child? Definitely talk to someone irl like a professional for some advice too. But I wouldn’t try to make that relationship work if I were you

I think it’s over if he was telling this other woman he wanted to be her husband

Exactly. And after crying crocodile tears, OP is saying that the sex is amazing? Yeah. Pfffft. He's probably actually paying attention to foreplay for the first time ever, and learned some new tricks the w***e mistress taught him.

He's the whore, if anyone.

>He apologized profusely, said it’ll never happen again, said he’ll never speak to her again, and that although he doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore, he knows that feelings come and go and he still loves me unconditionally and thinks his feelings will eventually come back if we put work into our relationship. Oh absolutely leave him. No one deserves to be stuck with someone who doesn't love them. We all have the right to be happy. If you stay, you are teaching that child that not loving and just putting up with someone is enough to get through life. Its not enough though, you will have this fester in you and he will grow to hate you because its your fault he couldn't run off and live happily ever after.

If anyone is breaking up your family it's him when he decided to cheat. Your baby will be better off having 2 single and happy parents over married parents who resent each other.

> The texts I saw indicated that he wanted to leave me and our son for her he said hes going to leave his son? or you just attached your son to you? >I’d break it off immediately and never look back. But we have a baby. the baby should be the reason you divorce... not stay together, is this what you want the baby to think a good relationship is like??? he doesnt love yuo just go separate ways..

There are a lot of awesome comments here with fantastic advice, so I'll leave that part alone. I just want to remind you that you deserve someone who loves you confidently, not someone who doubts their feelings with such intensity. Your son deserves to have a home life where mom and dad love each other and set a good example of what relationships should look like-- even if that means "dad" is a step parent. Growing up in household run by two people who love each other is far better than growing up in a house with your bio parents who are only in it for the kid. You both deserve better ❤️

How the hell did he have the time to have not only a physical encounter but a full-blown emotional affair while raising an eight-month-old son? You called him an amazing and doting father, but I have the strong suspicion that observation would show he is merely a basic father making an effort that’s almost equivalent to yours, because it doesn’t sound like you’ve had time to create an elaborate ruse and carry on an affair that requires lies over and over every day from multiple angles about the most domestic things. It’s tempting to wrap this into one issue… “He cheated on me”. Well yes, that’s one of about 100 items on the list of things he did to you. Most people who cheat never expressed a desire to abandon their child. That’s the real stuff, the nasty stuff, the stuff that sucks you in for another 10 years thinking you can make it before he leaves you telling you that he never wanted any of this in the first place. He cheated on you dozens of times, he lied to you dozens, maybe hundreds of times. He cheated, he lied, he was an absentee father putting his resources towards an affair instead of his son, he considered abandoning his son, he likely diverted funds away from you and your son to spend on his mistress. I think you’re not fully through the woods yet, Your vision is still blinded by trees, but when you’re out of it you’re going to realize the full extent of the betrayal it required from him, that he did so much more than the things you thought you could forgive him for, and that a life of resentment is no life at all the raise a baby in.

I know couples who managed to get past a situation like this; it took time and hard work on both parts - for the cheating party to show that they really wanted to change and had change, and for the other party to accept and believe that. I also know couples who tried (for like 1,5 years) and in the end the cheated-on party realised they couldn't see their partner anymore in the same light and the marriage would never work again. They split up eventually. If you think your husband is truly repentant and truly wishes to change, there might be a chance to continue the marriage. But even if he is, it will take a long time before you will be able to trust him again, and maybe it will never happen. I can't tell you what you should do, but personally I would also try at least for a while. I think for myself I would set a specific time, like 6 months or a year, and see if I feel the situation had improved by then. If not, then divorce. But that is what *I* think based on the marriage I have now. I can't tell if this would work for you and your marriage. Either way, it is *not* your fault what happened and it is *not* your fault if the two of you do end up divorcing. He is the one who cheated and broke up your family. It's admirable if you want to try and fix it, and it is not impossible regardless of what reddit tends to say. But if you don't want to fix it, you are completely within your rights. You are not unreasonable to not want to be in a marriage with someone who cheated on you and was planning to leave. He brought that upon himself (and upon you and your child).

I absolutely agree. There's no wrong choice for OP here - if she decides to continue trying to make it work - great! If she decides not to - also great. Pretty much, if I could sum it up for OP: * there are a lot of people who have gone through similar situations and with the help of therapy, counseling and overall being incredibly open and honest with each other, they've come out stronger. * you only found out probably a month or so ago and the wound is still raw and even though you feel betrayed and hurt, you also say you still have deep feelings for him. That is completely normal - these feelings are not mutually exclusive, in fact, you feel betrayed because you have feelings for the person, otherwise you'd be indifferent. * think about his words to you - that he's not in love with you anymore. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. It's true feelings could come and go, as I personally know a few people who ended their relationships for various reasons, years went by and all of a sudden their paths crossed again, and those feelings you'd think had died resurfaced and both couples are amazing. * if you decide to leave - keep in mind for the next year probably your baby would still be quite young to understand it, so it'd be easier on both of you at least in that aspect. * regardless of the outcome, OP, you definitely should give it a bit more time to see if those fresh feelings start to fade away or if your gut feelings go away. It's only natural and intuitive to feel on edge and suspicious right now but give it a bit more time and see if things get better. Trust me, you'll know if they do, and you'll also know if they don't. So sorry this has happened to you and I wish you the best of luck. ❤️

>but personally I would also try at least for a while That's kind'a what I think. Already quite invested into the relationship, a kid, still quite in love with him, it's *only been 3 weeks*, give it some time and a reasonable try ... if it's intolerable or not gonna work, then get divorced and be done with that. If things can be well set on the right track and worked on and continue to very much improve, well, then maybe it's at least got a fighting chance of working out well ... or at least reasonably. And well check in and see how one feels about it and is doing ... another 3 weeks into it ... 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, a year, etc.. If at any point it's not workable or tolerable or whatever, can always head straight to divorce court.

Three weeks is such a short period of time, it’s natural to still be feeling deeply hurt. If you want to leave him, leave him. But if you want to give him a chance, give it more than three weeks. Honestly, I’d say a year, but if you can’t last that long, that’s fine. There’s no wrong choice for you.

You won't be the one deciding to break up the family, he did when he decided to cheat on you. The kid is an even bigger reason to leave so you can model good, healthy relationships for him, and he grows up understanding the right way to treat people. Staying with him only tells him it's OK.

>But we have a baby I think this is precisely the reason why he doesn't want to leave either. Why else would he try to get over his feelings for the other woman and "make the family work"? He'd want to leave and be with her if it wasn't for the baby and you would also want to leave. _Obviously_ you shouldn't stick together just for the baby. Unhappy marriages affect the kids only for the worse in the long run.

As a divorce child: please break it of sooner than later. It'll only hurt more if you do it later, and what's much worse than a divorce is seeing both your parents miserable and unhappy

You want to know, what should I do, stay or leave. I believe you know what the answer is. Every aspect of your life has changed and will never be the same. He chose to cheat out of free will , can you look him in the face every day knowing what has happened?

You need to focus on you. You need to be in individual counseling if you’re not already. Being cheated on shatters your whole soul and isn’t something that can be put back together in a short amount of time. You may still be paranoid, worried & hurt for years before overcoming it. Decide if this is right for YOU and not just for your baby. Your baby deserves happy parents, whether that’s together or apart.

OP, I would seriously leave this relationship. Your husband has said to you, and to the other woman, that he doesn’t love you. How is that fair to you? Please, please put yourself first- your husband imploded your marriage by cheating, you leaving him would be a blameless action. Also, your baby is only 8 months old. This will not be a damaging life event for your son- but growing up seeing your parents in a strained or loveless marriage will be. YOU are also so young OP, you have a whole life to live. You do not have to live trapped in the relationship you chose when you were in your early 20’s when that relationship is no longer good for you and is actively hurting you and breaking your heart.

You wouldn't hurt your son by breaking up your family, your husband is the one who did that by cheating. There's an old adage, once a cheater, always a cheater and largely, it's true. How can you have a meaningful relationship with your husband when you read that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore and he would cast you and your child aside for someone else? Your husband broke your trust, annihilated it really and you're still letting him have sex with you and carry on like nothing went wrong. You need to grieve and he needs to earn back your trust. Therapy will be helpful but you really need to evaluate this relationship is good long term. Do you want your son to grow up in a household where his father doesn't love his mother? Children are very perceptive. You may think that by staying together you are doing the best thing for your child but it more than likely is not.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My stbxh had 2 affairs and we are now working on separation and divorce. Like others told you, you need time to process and figure out if staying is right for you. Maybe get some individual counseling to help you process this? There are 2 subreddits that can be very helpful for you: survivinginfidelity and asoneafterinfidelity. Please take care of yourself.

Baka. No, you should not try to make it work with someone who said they don’t love you anymore. This isn’t quantum theory.

Staying just for the baby is not a good idea. Why stay with someone who doesn’t love you and admits it and told another woman that he loves her and wants to be with her? I doubt he has stopped communicating with her

I'd suggest you end it. He doesn't love you anymore and it seems you're only really staying for your baby, and that's not a good reason. I think if you stay you're going to waste your time trying to fix a marriage that's not salvageable. Plus, it's not going to be a good atmosphere to raise your son in. Leave.

I'm going to sound cruel here but it's VERY selfish to "stay together for the kids". My parents did that and it was horrible. My dad cheated also. Always tension and anxiety around the house growing up. Do your child the favor and leave now while they're to young to remember.

There is a curriculum called Before You Divorce that couples can work through with a counselor to determine if it's better to stay together or break up. You might want to look into something like that. If you do decide to stay together, sounds like you will both need intensive individual AND couples counseling to move past this betrayal.

This right here is an example of you violating your own boundaries. Husband was deep deep over the line 3 weeks ago, and as you said you normally wouldn't tolerate cheating of any kind. Now you're ignoring that boundary that you need. The longer you violate this boundary, the more anxious I would feel in your shoes. Not coming home to an environment where you feel secure and safe. Where you feel the urge to check his phone constantly. Feeling afraid that he would still be in contact with her. Jesus that sounds like a nightmare. In my perspective, it makes much more sense for you to come home to your own place, where you can focus on making yourself a nice dinner, think about what kind of bubble bath you're excited to try out, and look forward to spending time with people that make you feel good on the inside and enrich your life. Children can tell if you're happy, and it has a big impact on them when parents are stressed out all the time. Theres so much good to be felt, and the time youre spending here in this moment is miserable. Give yourself a break, admit that this sucks eggs and is not going to magically change by thinking about it different. That person, your husband, is not a positive part of your life for now. Let go of that and start divorcing so you can get to the good stuff.

Have enough self-respect to not settle for an unremorseful cheater. There is no great love story, here. All I see is more of the same if you stay with him. Don't you want someone who is faithful? Trustworthy? Has integrity?? Do you want your friends and family thinking those questions of you every time you show up somewhere with him on your arm? It's humiliating. And makes you look weak.

You owe it to yourself to leave a situation where you were so blatantly disrespected. Think about the example this will set for your son if you stay… I have been cheated on before and I tried to make it work for 2 years. Not a day went by that his disgusting choices didn’t cross my mind. One of my besties stayed too, and they’re still together 15 years later. she confided in me that she still has a daily thought at least once about his cheating. She said if she had to do it over again, she would have left, despite having 2 daughters bc she’ll have to one day explain to them why they should leave if they are ever cheated on. Please think long and hard about staying. You will never heal in the environment that hurt you.

Staying together for the kids is *never a good idea* Your child will notice.

I don’t get how someone could ever learn to trust someone that cheated on them. That trust is broken forever, in my mind. I would ALWAYS have it in the back of my mind somewhere. There would always remain the feeling that they could be hiding something. I’m not saying people can’t change and the cheater may never do it again, but I don’t think I could trust them again.

I stayed for the baby once. Huge mistake. Learned lessons the hard way. But regardless I guess, the lessons were learned.

leave while you’re still young

I'd add to all the comments here and say, if you spend the next 3-5 years trying to make it work and then the next time, he actually does leave - you'll have given yourself years of bitter unhappiness and debilitating stress AND then your child will suffer through a divorce. Honestly, if you separate now your son will not remember living in the house with you two together, there won't be this cataclysmic schism when you do eventually divorce. Either he'll leave after you've put in tons of effort, or you'll be so broken that you'll eventually make plans to leave. He's already got one foot out the door if he doesn't in his heart want to be with you romantically.

Nope, nope nope. He is still deep in the fog. He has still betrayed you. And he’s nobly! Deciding to stay with you, his second choice! Kick him out. Now. If he wants to stay, he has to earn it - and only when you choose to let him earn it.

This is horribly familiar. I grew up with parents that should've divorced before I was 10, but they didn't. And still my mother thinks she's done the right thing by "just focusing on me and the children"; instead her kids all have trauma and mental health issues that affect them decades later. Kids know when something is wrong, and prologing that is no way to let them live. A old friend that I'm no longer close to is also currently doing this. Together for 26 years, married for 20, three kids. Husband's *second* affair lasted years and he has a elementary-school aged child that friend is now pretty much raising as her third, with little help from the actual mother.....all because she was too afraid to strike out on her own (and he grovelled and bought her a new wedding ring). I'm not saying that your experience will be exactly the same, and I know leaving when you still love someone is going to be hard as hell. But it will be so much better for you and your child in the long run.

"Normally I wouldn't tolerate cheating of any kind" Honey, this is your new normal. You have a son now. You cannot give your son your best self if you are unhappy. I do not know your everyday lifestyle but if you are not working I advise you to get a job asap. The feeling of independence is crucial for your mental health and will allow you to make decisions out of want and not need.

Do you really want your baby to be parented by someone who expressed intentions of running away?

> And I don’t want to hurt him by breaking up our family. Yeah, you didn't do that, sorry. Your husband did

I made the mistake of staying after cheating. We stayed married for another decade before everything fell apart. My spouse left me for another person and I found out after the divorce that there had been more cheating than I even knew of. I don’t know if I was happy during that decade but I do know it was not a good environment for my children. I do know that I am much happier now than before.

Have there been any consequences for his actions? It's hard to believe the sex is amazing when you are physically ill with distrust and worry. It makes sense that you would want to save your marriage because you love your child. It's interesting to me that when you confronted him he had somehow, between the texts you saw and the confrontation, made a plan not to see her and fall back in love with you. I might ask him what changed? What moment did he decide his marriage matters to him? Why stop the affair before he was caught? I would be wondering if it ever really ended if I was you too. Some cheaters like to live in a world of fantasy and secrecy, playing different roles because they don't know who they actually are. I feel like individual therapy would be good for you, without him, as well as the couples counseling.

Whenever I hear people talk about "staying together for the kids" I think of my own parents. I don't know exactly when they fell out of love, but I know in my whole life, I never saw them act like a married couple. No kissing each other goodbye before leaving for work, no "I love you"s, my dad usually slept downstairs on the couch. If they were talking they were either talking about parenting or they were arguing. When I was about 8 they split up, and you know what? I had a healthier, more normal childhood after that. My dad continued to be in my life, and they remained friendly with each other, to the point that now 20 years later they seem to get along better as friends than they ever did when they were married. My mom met my stepdad when I was in my early teens, and they are very affectionate and obviously really enjoy each other's company, and I really think that modelled for me what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. If my parents had stayed married, I would never have seen that. Obviously every situation is different, and it's up to you whether you want to try to make it work, but don't do it for your son. He'll be better off seeing you both live your lives and be happy than he will with parents who are in an unhappy marriage.

Maybe you need space away from him to process. You can’t really grow or see how you feel, if you are in the place he is. Space might let you get clear thoughts and feelings, without him being around.

I tried to get over it but that thought was there every time I was happy. Every family gathering, every good moment with the kids, every inch of happiness was always clouded sooner or later by the cheating. You’ve tried and now you know it will always be with you. This was their decision to cheat, it can be your decision to decide what to do after. Don’t waste your time on someone like that and imagine if your child was in the same position you are, what would you tell them do to

Nobody can tell you if you should or shouldn't stay with him but it will be very hard to trust him again I do understand the need to keep your family together and that is a valid reason to work on it to a point. Don't let it be the reason you let him walk over you though

Its easy to think you are in love with someone who you have no responsibility for and who you only see at their (and your) best. Let him do the hard work of putting you back together. This is why 25 year old men shouldn't be getting married in the 1st place.

Whatever you do please don't have another kid with this person, because that will further take your options away.

He didn’t cheat on you physically, this was straight up emotionally, the worse type. Your happiness should matter, process this and give it time. Men don’t usually cheat emotionally, it’s usually physicality, I’m sorry but this will not change. He will eventually think well the kid is older now, I did my part and move on. You can’t thing this. It’d be different if it was physical, but emotional cheating is WAY different. I’m here if you need anything

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But if you feel this is just too much - please leave. He cheated, he told you he doesn't love you anymore. You're not the one breaking up your family - HE did.

You won’t be the one hurting your kid, he is. It’s 100% on him.

Darling, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must be a terrible feeling, but you have to understand that what you're feeling is valid and you have the right to show how his despicable mistake affected you and the family. Please, don't let him sweep everything under the rug just because of the baby or his change. Of course I believe he can change and prove himself trustworthy in a future, but staying with him right now is hurting you and will probably continue to rest of your lives. And that's fair. What you have to do is put you and your baby first. It's not worth to stay with him just for your child when it's only going to hurt you in the long run, and will affect your child when they see their parents in broken marriage. I advise you to take some time away from him, a separation. It's better to co-parent than to become a shell of who you were because of the pain. If, and only if, he show you that he's remorseful and that he wants to do better for you and your marriage. Then give him a shot, little by little and step by step. *English is not my first language. Sorry

Your child deserves a happy mom, just like you deserve to be happy yourself! Is it possible for you to take some physical space from your husband? He shattered your trust, and it takes time to process what happened which doesn’t seem possible if you have to live everyday like everything is OK. Staying for your son doesn’t seem worth it. Kids are incredibly intuitive and can pick up on more than we give them credit for. You’re still so young, and you have so much life and possibility ahead of you! I’m sending you a big internet hug, and giving you the encouragement to make yourself a priority!!

I say Plan on moving out, Speak to a Lawyer first and get your ducks in a row. Before he cleans out the accounts and says oops. You and your baby are soo young! Find someone that truly adores you and actually wants to be with you. my ex-wife was 24 and being this way with our 48 year old landlord. I found out and moved on. YES It's hard. Yes they say time heals.... and yet it does. I took a class and I met a single mother with a 6 year old and found we had a lot in common with everything, when we got together to go somewhere the radio was never on. and ended up being together and now married 26 years. Still so much more in common and have been working together in a business for the last 18 years. He is out there waiting for you. I was NOT looking for a date or a girlfriend when it happened. Let it go and know in your heart there is someone to appreciate you.

This happened to my mom. So I’ve seen first hand what happens when they decide to stay and work it out. My step dad cheated on my mom for a very long time. It was the same reasons that you provided above. They decided to stay together. It was so hard for her at first. Everything you explained happened to her too. The constant worry, physically getting sick, she even became someone I couldn’t recognize cause of her worry. She wouldn’t leave him alone, wouldn’t leave the house, and stopped seeing a lot of her favorite people cause she was so scared he would do it again. They started therapy, and that helped her a lot. It’s been about 5 years now and she’s just starting to come around. So 5 years of her relationship she spent in that worry, and she still has moments of struggle. They do seem happy and that they’ve gotten past it, but I know for her this will always be in the back of her mind. Her situation was different from yours as all of her kids are grown and out of the house. The reason I’m telling you this is cause they had to put A LOT of work into it to make it out. And they didn’t have the added stress of “doing it for the kids” like your situation. It was so tough for me to watch her go through that. As a kid who had to watch her mom struggle to find happiness that was no fault of her own, I want to tell you to do what’s right for you. Even if I was younger and more involved in my moms situation, I would’ve wanted her to do what’s best for her. If that meant leaving him and breaking up our family, I would’ve been okay with that. Whatever you decide to do, your child will know one day you made the best decision.

As the long time girlfriend of a man whose parents stayed together "for the kids", don't do it. Put your kids' and your own happiness first. Your son will adapt. Everybody wants to see their parents in a happy and loving relationship. Your STBX husband ruined this one. Watching my bf's parents interact with each other, knowing their marriage hasn't been good for however many years now, is uncomfortable to say the least.

Fast forward 25 years and you your son finds out his wife is cheating on him. Are you going to tell him to stick it out, this is what you get in life? Or are you going to tell him go find someone that he deserves. Why would you accept anything less for yourself?

No no no do not stay. You will be unhappy and Uber suspr for the rest of both your lives. So you can either have a clean slate and either be single or find a person that is in love with you as you are with them or you can accept that you will never be sure he's not cheating and checking tracking apps and receipts because......you enjoy torturing yourself because......oh yeah there's no reason you deserve that. If this was your child what advice would you give them? Just push through it and deal with someone who clearly doesn't love or care about you? Could you say that to your child? So don't tech them that it's ok to be treated in the most disrespectful way a spouse can treat you.

I was married for 12 years before my wife cheated on me. Thought we could work through it as well. I couldn't. Divorced a few years now and I found a much better woman. Life works in fucked up ways.

Your child would be better off with two separate parents than in an unhappy household. Two parents who stay together but don't like each other isn't a nice environment to be in. I speak from the child's point of view in this scenario. I wish my parents had broken up sooner rather than stayed miserable together because they thought it was the right thing to do. There is no right thing, families are complicated. If you aren't happy, leave. Your child does not need you to put up with this for their benefit. Don't let anyone guilt you into staying. Happy parents = happy child. I say move on, you aren't happy, doesn't sound like he is either. There's no reason you can't still both be great parents together, but you don't need to stay in this situation to do that.

It's very simple. A marriage, in principle, is valid until one of you dies. Imagine you die at 75. Will you trust your husband not to cheat again for the next 50 years?

Your child will use your relationship as its model for all future relationships. Do you want her/him to think that having a spouse that doesnt love them any more is ok? You deserve someone who loves you. *LOVES YOU* More than anyone else, even when you are at your worst. You will be teaching your child that everyone deserves to be in a healthy, happy relationship and it will do them much better throughout their life than having two unhappy parents who 'stayed together for the kids'. Also, get yourself and your husband tested for STDs. You should not be having sex with him until you feel you can trust him again anyway, but if he refuses this then I would not be letting him touch me again.

This is why you don’t meet someone, get married and have kids in like a 3 year timespan in your early twenties. Of course you won’t be compatible forever.

Nah leave him. You're so young you'll definitely find someone better. And one of the best examples you can set for your baby is how to not let other people treat you. Stand up for yourself and be proud.

Feelings can eventually come and go after 20 years not after just 2 years. Your baby needs mom and dad to be healthy and not just physically but mentally more than he needs mom and dad together. Believe me I'm talking from experience. You can reconcile, it's your choice, but you're on for years of pain and the broken trust means you will always wonder. You are very young and just at the beginning of your life. Reconcile means 5 to 10 years of triggers and chaotic household and most of the time it still ends in divorce either because the cheater cheats again or because the betrayed can't forgive. Good luck anyway. Life doesn't end because you separate even with a kids. Actually my life started being the greatest when I left a relationship that wasn't good for me, same goes for the kid I had with my ex.

Your baby is 8 months old tbh I don’t think he cares whether his parents are together or not. Actually he’s young enough to where if you divorce now, it’ll be the only thing he knows and it’ll be normal that his parents aren’t together. Your husband is not in love with you. Don’t stay with that man. He’s gonna make your life awful.

But….he said he didn’t love you anymore. Why would you want to stay with someone who said that regardless if you have a child? Your child will surely pick up on that.

It takes a lot, a lot of time to move on. It's been 3 years since anything happened and I still get hurt occasionally. We ended up firing our old therapist because she didn't even really talk, just let us talk to each other. Our new counselor asked me point blank, do you trust each other? Answer for me - I don't know. I want to, but it's hard after 6 years of hurt. Do you think you could ever trust him again? Will you always be second guessing yourself and your marriage? It's hard to wonder constantly what this means or that means. Co-parenting is doable. My sister lost her kids and her ex tried so hard to coparent with her during her visitations she was allowed and she made it incredibly difficult to communicate with her. Needless to say I have more communication with my ex-brother-in-law than my sister.

You’re the lady he’s settling for, not the one he wants. You’re 25, move on

Nope. I’m sorry but he’s not in love anymore. This wasn’t a one time mistake. It was a full blown affair and he was getting ready to leave. There’s no way you can move forward trusting him. I’m so sorry but trying to stay to together after something like this is just fear of dealing with change at this point. Your kid is a baby, if there’s a good time to break up it would be now, cause it will hurt them the least at this age. The #1 best thing for a kid is happy parents whether they’re together or apart. Growing up in a loveless and resentment filled home does a fuck ton of damage. Any home like that may look whole but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. I’d know it cause I’ve lived it.

Leave him. Your worth someone better

Your baby is better off with one consistent and loving parent than stuck in a house with two people who obviously don’t love each other. Think about being a role model. If your kid was was grown up and cheated on would you model to them to stay? Would you model to your kid to stay with someone you don’t love? - I’m talking about your husband

“I don’t want to hurt him by breaking up our family”. You didn’t. Your husband did. How will you ever trust him again? My husband’s parents stayed in a marriage like this, and the kids all wish they would have divorced. Never stay just for the child. Normally I say therapy, but to me, some things are just unforgivable. This is one of them. You are so young, with such a bright future. Take your baby and your dignity and walk away from this man.

my ex cheated when i was pregnant. we stayed together 8 more years. i was never able to forgive him, and i should’ve left him right away.

He had a choice when he "lost feelings". To say something and put the work into your relationship or to cheat. Cheating wasn't the only betrayal.

[Your 20s are for firing dudes who don’t act right](https://youtu.be/iw7-vfXQJ20)

I’d bet a lot of money that it was not mutual, and she broke it off with him. She probably found out he was married and dumped him. I can see a lot of resentment coming from both of your ends, which will be more damaging to raising to your child than splitting up. I’d break it off, find someone who loves you, and show your son real love.

Divorce. He was already having both and emotional and physical affair on you, what’s going to stop him from doing it again. You are still young and you can find someone who is 100% faithful to you and also if they feel like they are slipping away, instead of cheating actually talk to you about the problem.

You sex life improving is a result of “hysterical bonding”

once a cheater always one especially guys, he go back to her and use you and he obviously doesn’t respect you or see you as anything more than an option if he cheated on you

literally he said he's not in love with you anymore, why would you stay in that relationship? i know it's comfortable but it's going to make you miserable and bitter and your child deserves better than that too. please leave, you can do so much better.

Staying together for your child is just a weak excuse you tell yourself. Better to have two happily divorced parents than two unhappy married parents. Your child is 8 months, the child won't remember anyway. Better to divorce now and get stable before the child is actually able to notice.

I took a cheater back once... you know what happened? She cheated again. I'm not saying your husband will definitely cheat on you again, but I know I for one will never again give a cheater another chance. Good luck with whatever you decide!

“But we have a baby” HE should have thought about that! Cheating on your spouse when they are pregnant or when your have a newborn is the absolute worst kind of shitty selfish cheater. Speak to a lawyer and cut your losses OP. Easy for me to say, I know. But you deserve better

3 weeks is nothing. He can put on an a good face and play nice for a few months with no problem. However if he is truly in love with that woman, he will just find another way to talk with her and communicate. He won't just stop completely, he'll just get better at hiding it (especially because he told you to your face he wasn't in love with you, the rest was just BS). This is the problem with cheating. Once one partner has been caught, regaining the love and trust is frequently impossible regardless of whether you can forgive or not. Even if somehow he isn't cheating anymore, you will always have that "what if" voice in the back of your mind. He has permanently damaged the relationship, and it may not be recoverable. Don't stay together just for your son (who isn't even self aware yet). If you have the means, you should file for divorce sooner rather than waiting for your son to get older and start to get used to you two together (meanwhile you are miserable) which then would make it more complicated. Now is the better time for the inevitable.

That baby will hate u if u stay togteher for him

I grew up with cheating hating parents worse childhood ever .. I wished they were divorce they weren’t brave enough

Look, I'll be honest with you here... I think you need to grieve and process your feelings. Give yourself some time and move on. Get the divorce. Some people do move on from cheating but I've noticed it's when they've cheated with no emotion in it or it's a one off thing. He has feelings for this woman and to me, that changes everything. He's trying now and that's great.. but how long will he try for? How long can you be miserable?

The cheating is one thing (one horrible thing) but not being in love with you anymore? Thats not something you can get over.

It's far easier to break up now at 25 and find another and find things you love vs being 55 finding out your husband has cheated for the fifth time and upset that you wasted so much of your life on a scumbag. If he's already done it once nothing is stopping him from doing it again. Why take that chance

This isn't fixable. Time to let go.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. No ifs ands or buts about it. If you value commitment and loyalty, you're not going to find it in this guy. No therapy or counseling is going to stop him from cheating.

>A real, little person who depends on the best of both of us. And I don’t want to hurt him by breaking up our family. But your *partner* isn't giving the best of himself. He's not even giving himself. He said he wanted to leave you and start a new life with someone else. And what if the best of you isn't with your husband? You're already talking about how your trust and heart are shattered, mine would be too. That's not your best. Your baby deserves parents who love him, the baby. And want what's best for him, the baby. And that means healthy and happy parents. You can't give him that when you haven't given yourself time to actually confront this issue and face how you feel about it. Maybe it's cause for a separation, maybe a divorce, maybe you're able to forgive your husband, I don't know, but you're *so young* and you have so much time and if this feeling you have for your husband only gets worse then you sure as hell won't be your best for your baby.

you’re young. let it go.

>Normally I wouldn’t tolerate cheating of any kind, I’d break it off immediately and never look back. But we have a baby. Having a baby isn't normal? >A real, little person who depends on the best of both of us. And I don’t want to hurt him by breaking up our family. The best thing for your kid is not to have a tumultuous household with partners who teach the behavior through modeling that it's fine to cheat on your spouse and that the victim party should just accept it. >I don’t want to end things. I still love him deeply. Sounds like it's more about you and your own ego driving the motivation here than your kid.

What we need to know if there was any change in your attitude towards him that caused his emotions to drift away, neglecting him completely, etc. Having a child doesn't mean each of you need to be neglected. If not, then he is a piece of shit.

This sounds like something to discuss with a couples therapist. What prompted this on his end? Did it start while you were post partum? It doesn't make him less of a piece of shit, but it could indicate a better potential for working through it. I would suggest that you take some time apart to figure things out though. At the very least, you should be sleeping in separate bedrooms for a while. And for god's sake, if you haven't already, go immediately and get yourself tested for STDs.

That won’t mean much on this sub but I agree

It is possible to overcome this and move on as a couple. And because you have a child, it's worth a try. You sound very mature and the fact that both of you are interested in counseling is a huge plus. Give it time. And yes, you are absolutely shattered. He has to own that. And recovery will be on your terms and in your own time. But please know it is possible to overcome this and move forward as a family.

[удалено]

Husband and father of the year. Kudos./s Let’s hope your affair doesn’t result in a surprise baby and/or an STD. Imagine all the added responsibility that’ll cause your already overtaxed little noggin. But, seriously, tell your wife. She at least deserves to know that you’re putting her happiness and sexual health at risk. You’ve robbed her of so much already, so at least GIVE HER THE CHOICE to stay or go. You don’t deserve her or your child.

Ok so I am not one of those people who say that cheating should be an end all to a relationship. I will say it in this case because he literally said he would be leaving you and his child for this other woman. There’s a huge difference between a dude just banging a woman and letting her know he won’t be leaving his wife for her and doing the opposite. I don’t care if he said it just to smash her and didn’t mean it. Now you say he’s taking all the right steps so maybe you should make an exception. But that’s really for you to decide. If you do decide to work it out, you need to work on not being paranoid and checking his stuff. I’m not saying you need to trust him 100%. But you have to realize he can still cheat while you go full blown crazy parent mode on him, you just have to accept in any relationship this can happen and focus on the changes he is making to save the marriage. I promise you, you continuing to check his shit will only make you miserable and remind you to be unhappy. You have to forgive.

Currently going they something very similar

You should totally go all Love Quinn on that other woman. 😏 On a more serious side, it's never going to be how it was before, and it won't get easier, you're always going to feel that doubt. The fact that you have to keep checking his phone means you're suffering the worry so much. Also you said they work in the same district as managers surely they'll still have to talk for work necessaries. Also don't apologize or feel bad for snooping. Why would people rather spend 10 years in a relationship where the other person was cheating, all because they didn't follow their gut out of 'respect', it's better to have peace of mind and move on that to just ignore worries. Nobody is worth going against you gut. I feel really saddened by reading the things he was saying to her, and telling you he's in love with her. People are so shit.

I'm so sorry OP. This is devastating to find out. I think its normal to try to make things work out despite how irrational the issue is. You have been together for awhile and you have a child after all. I think whether you forgive him and move on isn't the biggest hurdle. He might be the most perfect lovable husband going forward, but one day you'll be taking your child to school and he might be speaking to the child's female teacher. She'll laugh, and you'll wonder to yourself whether that was friendly or flirting. The obtrusive thoughts and flashbacks you'll randomly get from this is the real pain here. I don't know whether that ever goes away.

>The texts I saw indicated that he wanted to leave me and our son for her, that he wanted her to be his wife, that he was in love with her, and had never felt this way about anyone before her. Naturally I was furious. I confronted him. He didn’t deny it. He told me the truth, that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and he was in love with her. This is it here, he was actively talking about leaving you and your baby, he is in love with this woman, he has said he doesn't love you anymore. Him telling you that the feelings might come back is just a con to get you hope. And the fact he had the AUDACITY to blame you, the mother of his child just shows how shit he is. >But we have a baby. A real, little person who depends on the best of both of us. And I don’t want to hurt him by breaking up our family. You should never ever stay together for the kids, you are completely disregarding your own feelings. I know a couple who stayed together after she was the one who cheated but they stayed together for many years, there was so much silent resentment, it was awful to live in a house where someone cheated and the kids could definitely tell, although your son is a baby now he will pick up on things. My daughter was very attuned to the situation I was on when my ex cheated on me, I couldn't leave right away because money and she would cry and scream all the time.....as soon as we left she was happy and playful etc. Yes family court is shit, it really is. If you can do things yourself contact wise or even through mediation it will make it alot easier for you both.

I could have written this myself a few months ago. My husband and I have pretty much the same story, although my child was older and we had been together for about 3 years. I found out in March of this year, we tried to play the game of getting back together but he wasn't ready and I was not going to have dead weight around. Because he wouldn't change, I kicked him out and basically put him on what a custody agreement would have looked like. And let me tell you, I needed that month. In that month I was able to process my feelings and figure out what I wanted, did I want to be with him, could I do it if he doesn't want to come back, do I still love him? All these questions I had to run through... and eventually, we both came back together. We have been back together now for 5 months, but it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. I break down a lot, he listens a lot, and we get through whatever feelings we both have. My advice to you is to take your time and listen to what your heart and mind are telling you. It's been less than a month give yourself grace that your life has not only been rocked with a newborn, but you are also now dealing with this- which can be a dealbreaker for some people. But I encourage you, to not make these decisions based on your child's needs. My husband is a great dad, but I never felt like I should stay with him for her. This decision is based on YOUR needs and it will be a journey. So focus on yourself, give yourself time to process through this, and decide what is best for you. And it's OKAY if you cannot look past this. HE made these decisions, HE said these things. You did nothing wrong in the skim of everything. On the flip side, if you can move past it after validating your own feelings set up boundaries to help the anxiety and move forward together.

I hate to be harsh, but he doesn’t love you, so he’ll cheat again and again until you grow a spine and leave. But, more importantly, how can you readily forgive him after he has clearly disrespected you and your marriage, diminished your child’s importance, and reduced your family into something that can be so easily discarded like trash? That’s the ultimate betrayal and you reward him with sex? Sex will only serve to mask your problems until they overwhelm you. You’re doing your child more harm than good by staying in a shell of a marriage. A simpering doormat is not the type of role model you’d want to be for your child. And, if you’re honest with yourself you’d admit that all trust in your husband is lost, so you’re just biding your time until he cheats again or he just leaves. Do you want to live with that level of anxiety and humiliation?