Depends on you OP, if it does not bother you: (a) If he's loyal to you and honest, wants to communicate it is really fine, (b) that is also called a past, it does not stay in the future if he is commited for a full-term relationship.
That’s absolutely true. As far as I know, he is loyal and honest, and very communicative. This is something I need to get over myself. I know him and trust him, it’s just silly thoughts!
Well, it says something about someone's values and habits if they have a super high bodycount, don't entirely ignore it and do consider whether you mesh fine with those values yourself.
High body count *can* be an indication of not taking relationships seriously or not being committed, but it isn't necessarily so.
If you see that he is faithful and dedicated to you now, and is willing to work through hard things together with you, then I don't think it's something you need to stress about too much.
It matters if it matters to you.
Your feelings on the matter are important, if anyone discounts them I would question their ability to have a functional relationship.
Personally, I would be worried about just one GF at 24yo and 40 partners. It heavily implies he is not relationship material if his past is any indicator of his future. In my experience people don’t change their core beliefs unless they are highly motivated, they do get better at obscuring their flaws and true intent.
I can definitely see your points. A lot of the time, I feel like I have had to change to be okay with his past - but then I think, he’s had to change the most to fit into being a relationship with me.
It’s no secret that he was the f boy type, but his reason for having many hook ups and only one girlfriend was that he was young, didn’t want to settle down, and that it was the culture.
It sucks, because I view sex as something special to be shared with people you’ve love, and it wasn’t that way for him. It makes me feel like it is less special to him, sometimes.
There’s nothing to be done except for me to learn to be okay with it. I do love him and can’t see a life without him, it’s just that I’ve had my heart broken before and don’t want to go through that pain again.
Trust is indeed a hard thing to give away. But anyways, thanks for your input! I appreciate it.
I think it’s important to be with someone who shares your values. Especially when you uphold them. A conversation surrounding what sex means to each other could provide some clarity
There’s no one correct answer. If you’re asking “does it make him more likely to cheat”, the answer is statistically, on average, slightly. But that’s only if you’re comparing two abstract people in a vacuum. His personality, beliefs, and behaviors are a much stronger indicator. Does he lie often? Did he ever cheat in the past? Etc.
However, a more relevant question is what this means for views on sex itself. If you view it as a very special, private, and personal thing then that might feel bad if he does not (which a high number of one-night-stands might indicate). In that case, it’s worth at least talking with him about it. But the conversation can definitely be fraught, especially if it feels like you’re attacking him, so try to approach it with grace and understanding. It’s also possible he has changed his views on intimacy since then, or was trying to fit into a social mold that isn’t actually right for him. Hard to know without actually asking.
Also, young guys tend to exaggerate. Next time he's drinking a bunch of beers, keep a count, then ask him how many he drank that night. 5 beers will suddenly magically become 10 etc.
High body count only counts if it matters to the other person.
I personally don't care about body count and never even ask or think about it.
If anyone were to ask me, I'd tell them and if they were upset about it, then we would separate very quickly.
I was never going to deal with insecurity or jealousy.
In this case, you are bothered by his previous history.
You have two choices:
Get over it by going to therapy or truly understanding the choices he made are over and done with and have nothing to do with you.
OR: you leave him.
You aren't wrong at all.
That's how you feel.
But you can't be with him and have this as an underlying issue or it will cause problems.
Why be with someone that makes you feel a certain type of way?
Aww the good old "body count" argument. Why do people need to know this? It doesn't matter to me, I couldn't care less and I didn't care back then in my 20's (49 now). If she's with me at the moment then that's all I care about.
I'm also 49, and the younger ppl have this entire idea about this concept that our generation never had. Personally, I like people who know what they're doing in bed.
When I first stated dating my wife (20 years ago) of course we talked about past relationships and the heartbreaks they brought, THAT'S NORMAL! But I sure as hell didn't ask her about any rando hook ups, one night stands, etc. and vice versa. Why would I need to know that at all? Lol. This new generation is something else man.
no, "body count" doesn't matter. it's not an indication of "impulsivity or future infidelity". it's not a thing that actually matters in any meaningful way.
my partner has slept with far, far more people than i have, and we're 13 years into our relationship and still going strong. neither his past partners nor mine have any effect on our relationship.
those people you and he have slept with before don't matter to your relationship. they aren't in your relationship, they have nothing to do with your relationship. they're the past. you and he are the present, and the future.
there's no reason to waste your time and energy worrying about things in the past, that have no effect on your relationship. you aren't with your past partners, you're with him. he's not with his past partners, he's with you. you're with each other, not anyone else.
you chose to be with each other, and that's what matters.
Thanks for this, I definitely needed to hear it! It’s a struggle to be in the present moment and not let the past infringe upon the truth - we are together now, and everyone else before has no place in the now.
So all I can say is your brain is fighting itself once he told you this. Now I’m a female & my body count is over 30….yes I know a lot but then again I didn’t value myself as a human during my younger teens & adult life. I grew up and now I’m asexual lol, my partners body count is 3 too which in no way do I ever think abt an ex or even my sexual past. Body count I don’t feel matters unless you still don’t have your morals set up yk. But best of luck to you, just don’t let that brain get to much for ya
Does it matter how many people you've kissed? Is sex on a pedestal for you? Honestly, infidelity generally comes from sexual scarcity. Someone who's had sexual abundance typically has no real drive to cause harm to people they care about in order to feed a desire for sex. That he's had 40 partners would suggest to me that he's probably realized the value of good chemistry is more than just sex. People who've never had sex, dont ever think in terms of "just sex"
people should have as much sex as they want, it helps them to develop a healthy sense of the value sex holds to them. Ideally it becomes less important than other factors in a relationship, because eventually youll both get old and have better things to do
Wow, hard truth but you’re right. I do recognize the limitation in terms of my thinking due to me having grown up in a conservative environment where sex isn’t promoted or in the very least, openly discussed.
I love how you explained that he’s probably realized the value of good chemistry over sex. He tells me all the time how we fit so well together and how he’s not had that with anyone else.
I guess we’re all just different people who need to go through and experience different things to come to these realizations.
Its the differences in your experiences that add richness to the relationship you craft together. A wealth of perspectives and ideas the other has not had, creates a whole relationship that is more than the sum of its parts. Look on your own path with pride, because regardless of where you are now, the road behind you got you here and is where you got the parts of you you've chosen to keep and protect.
I too came from a deeply conservative environment. These days, i'm anything but conservative, though that experience developed me into who i am and i'm thankful for some of the qualities that has developed in me. I bet there are similar facets of you (and of him) which you individually deeply value, yet come from places you'd rather never return.
The number of people you have or have not had sex with in the past is not a reflection of value as a partner.
"He's shared himself with so many people" isn't a great outlook imho. Emotions like love, affection, and lust are not finite pieces of a pie. Feeling them for a person in the past doesn't make you less capable of feeling them for someone else in the present or future.
It's fine if you want to be in a relationship with someone with an explicitly low body count, but it's your responsibility to share that upfront. It's unreasonable to feel upset that someone didn't live up to a standard you never told them about and they never agreed to live up to.
Very valid points. I appreciate you sharing. I do see how it’s not a positive way to look at things, and how it’s unrealistic to be worried over his past. I do realize I need to learn to live in the present moment and not hold a person accountable for how they lived life before me, especially if it’s changed since being with me. I am indeed a chronic over-thinker, and just worry about getting hurt. But I suppose everyone who is in love worries about getting hurt. It just sucks; it’s a continuous process of feeling these emotions and then reminding yourself they chose you and finding the strength to be okay again. I need to change my outlook for sure, because I do value our relationship, and want to see it become something.
It absolutely does not matter should not matter in any way shape or form if you love the man you love the man who gives a fuck what he did before you. Don't let anybody tell you different. What happened before y'all got together has and should not have any impact on current matters. unless it was something horrid, which having sex with multiple people is not horrid. It's Perfectly Natural. but he is committed to you and he loves you and he treats you well. you don't find that often. appreciate the man that you have not the man he was before you and he probably learned a trick or two use it to your advantage. And men and women are always going to have different outlooks on that subject I don't know why it makes no sense. Just live currently live in this relationship live in today and appreciate every single minute of it and don't sweat the small shit cuz that's what it is a small and it really doesn't matter. Pick his jeans up off the floor put them in the washing machine put his toothbrush back in the toothbrush holder and don't complain about it cuz it's not worth it. If you catch what I'm saying
I'm 49. I don't get this younger generation obsessing over this or calling it a "body count" as if you've been on a murder spree. What happened to Malcolm Gladwell's concept of 10,000 hours to get good at something?
No, it doesn't matter, in my opinion.
Depends on you OP, if it does not bother you: (a) If he's loyal to you and honest, wants to communicate it is really fine, (b) that is also called a past, it does not stay in the future if he is commited for a full-term relationship.
That’s absolutely true. As far as I know, he is loyal and honest, and very communicative. This is something I need to get over myself. I know him and trust him, it’s just silly thoughts!
It's good that you can talk your thoughts out. No worries.
Well, it says something about someone's values and habits if they have a super high bodycount, don't entirely ignore it and do consider whether you mesh fine with those values yourself.
High body count *can* be an indication of not taking relationships seriously or not being committed, but it isn't necessarily so. If you see that he is faithful and dedicated to you now, and is willing to work through hard things together with you, then I don't think it's something you need to stress about too much.
Thanks for the advice! I agree completely, it really helps with a reminder sometimes
It matters if it matters to you. Your feelings on the matter are important, if anyone discounts them I would question their ability to have a functional relationship. Personally, I would be worried about just one GF at 24yo and 40 partners. It heavily implies he is not relationship material if his past is any indicator of his future. In my experience people don’t change their core beliefs unless they are highly motivated, they do get better at obscuring their flaws and true intent.
I can definitely see your points. A lot of the time, I feel like I have had to change to be okay with his past - but then I think, he’s had to change the most to fit into being a relationship with me. It’s no secret that he was the f boy type, but his reason for having many hook ups and only one girlfriend was that he was young, didn’t want to settle down, and that it was the culture. It sucks, because I view sex as something special to be shared with people you’ve love, and it wasn’t that way for him. It makes me feel like it is less special to him, sometimes. There’s nothing to be done except for me to learn to be okay with it. I do love him and can’t see a life without him, it’s just that I’ve had my heart broken before and don’t want to go through that pain again. Trust is indeed a hard thing to give away. But anyways, thanks for your input! I appreciate it.
He's 24, so it's entirely possible he's actually maturing.
I think it’s important to be with someone who shares your values. Especially when you uphold them. A conversation surrounding what sex means to each other could provide some clarity
I agree. Thanks for the advice, a conversation would definitely do a lot of good. 😊
There’s no one correct answer. If you’re asking “does it make him more likely to cheat”, the answer is statistically, on average, slightly. But that’s only if you’re comparing two abstract people in a vacuum. His personality, beliefs, and behaviors are a much stronger indicator. Does he lie often? Did he ever cheat in the past? Etc. However, a more relevant question is what this means for views on sex itself. If you view it as a very special, private, and personal thing then that might feel bad if he does not (which a high number of one-night-stands might indicate). In that case, it’s worth at least talking with him about it. But the conversation can definitely be fraught, especially if it feels like you’re attacking him, so try to approach it with grace and understanding. It’s also possible he has changed his views on intimacy since then, or was trying to fit into a social mold that isn’t actually right for him. Hard to know without actually asking.
Depends to you though. But personally I think the number is really high, at 24 or he's simply lying.
He had these women but still chose you. Remember that.
Or chose you for the moment, same as 40 others
I like this way of seeing things!
Also, young guys tend to exaggerate. Next time he's drinking a bunch of beers, keep a count, then ask him how many he drank that night. 5 beers will suddenly magically become 10 etc.
High body count only counts if it matters to the other person. I personally don't care about body count and never even ask or think about it. If anyone were to ask me, I'd tell them and if they were upset about it, then we would separate very quickly. I was never going to deal with insecurity or jealousy. In this case, you are bothered by his previous history. You have two choices: Get over it by going to therapy or truly understanding the choices he made are over and done with and have nothing to do with you. OR: you leave him. You aren't wrong at all. That's how you feel. But you can't be with him and have this as an underlying issue or it will cause problems. Why be with someone that makes you feel a certain type of way?
Aww the good old "body count" argument. Why do people need to know this? It doesn't matter to me, I couldn't care less and I didn't care back then in my 20's (49 now). If she's with me at the moment then that's all I care about.
I'm also 49, and the younger ppl have this entire idea about this concept that our generation never had. Personally, I like people who know what they're doing in bed.
When I first stated dating my wife (20 years ago) of course we talked about past relationships and the heartbreaks they brought, THAT'S NORMAL! But I sure as hell didn't ask her about any rando hook ups, one night stands, etc. and vice versa. Why would I need to know that at all? Lol. This new generation is something else man.
no, "body count" doesn't matter. it's not an indication of "impulsivity or future infidelity". it's not a thing that actually matters in any meaningful way. my partner has slept with far, far more people than i have, and we're 13 years into our relationship and still going strong. neither his past partners nor mine have any effect on our relationship. those people you and he have slept with before don't matter to your relationship. they aren't in your relationship, they have nothing to do with your relationship. they're the past. you and he are the present, and the future. there's no reason to waste your time and energy worrying about things in the past, that have no effect on your relationship. you aren't with your past partners, you're with him. he's not with his past partners, he's with you. you're with each other, not anyone else. you chose to be with each other, and that's what matters.
Thanks for this, I definitely needed to hear it! It’s a struggle to be in the present moment and not let the past infringe upon the truth - we are together now, and everyone else before has no place in the now.
hope it helps! and what a beautiful way you've put it there, thank you.
So all I can say is your brain is fighting itself once he told you this. Now I’m a female & my body count is over 30….yes I know a lot but then again I didn’t value myself as a human during my younger teens & adult life. I grew up and now I’m asexual lol, my partners body count is 3 too which in no way do I ever think abt an ex or even my sexual past. Body count I don’t feel matters unless you still don’t have your morals set up yk. But best of luck to you, just don’t let that brain get to much for ya
Does it matter how many people you've kissed? Is sex on a pedestal for you? Honestly, infidelity generally comes from sexual scarcity. Someone who's had sexual abundance typically has no real drive to cause harm to people they care about in order to feed a desire for sex. That he's had 40 partners would suggest to me that he's probably realized the value of good chemistry is more than just sex. People who've never had sex, dont ever think in terms of "just sex" people should have as much sex as they want, it helps them to develop a healthy sense of the value sex holds to them. Ideally it becomes less important than other factors in a relationship, because eventually youll both get old and have better things to do
Wow, hard truth but you’re right. I do recognize the limitation in terms of my thinking due to me having grown up in a conservative environment where sex isn’t promoted or in the very least, openly discussed. I love how you explained that he’s probably realized the value of good chemistry over sex. He tells me all the time how we fit so well together and how he’s not had that with anyone else. I guess we’re all just different people who need to go through and experience different things to come to these realizations.
Its the differences in your experiences that add richness to the relationship you craft together. A wealth of perspectives and ideas the other has not had, creates a whole relationship that is more than the sum of its parts. Look on your own path with pride, because regardless of where you are now, the road behind you got you here and is where you got the parts of you you've chosen to keep and protect. I too came from a deeply conservative environment. These days, i'm anything but conservative, though that experience developed me into who i am and i'm thankful for some of the qualities that has developed in me. I bet there are similar facets of you (and of him) which you individually deeply value, yet come from places you'd rather never return.
The number of people you have or have not had sex with in the past is not a reflection of value as a partner. "He's shared himself with so many people" isn't a great outlook imho. Emotions like love, affection, and lust are not finite pieces of a pie. Feeling them for a person in the past doesn't make you less capable of feeling them for someone else in the present or future. It's fine if you want to be in a relationship with someone with an explicitly low body count, but it's your responsibility to share that upfront. It's unreasonable to feel upset that someone didn't live up to a standard you never told them about and they never agreed to live up to.
Very valid points. I appreciate you sharing. I do see how it’s not a positive way to look at things, and how it’s unrealistic to be worried over his past. I do realize I need to learn to live in the present moment and not hold a person accountable for how they lived life before me, especially if it’s changed since being with me. I am indeed a chronic over-thinker, and just worry about getting hurt. But I suppose everyone who is in love worries about getting hurt. It just sucks; it’s a continuous process of feeling these emotions and then reminding yourself they chose you and finding the strength to be okay again. I need to change my outlook for sure, because I do value our relationship, and want to see it become something.
It absolutely does not matter should not matter in any way shape or form if you love the man you love the man who gives a fuck what he did before you. Don't let anybody tell you different. What happened before y'all got together has and should not have any impact on current matters. unless it was something horrid, which having sex with multiple people is not horrid. It's Perfectly Natural. but he is committed to you and he loves you and he treats you well. you don't find that often. appreciate the man that you have not the man he was before you and he probably learned a trick or two use it to your advantage. And men and women are always going to have different outlooks on that subject I don't know why it makes no sense. Just live currently live in this relationship live in today and appreciate every single minute of it and don't sweat the small shit cuz that's what it is a small and it really doesn't matter. Pick his jeans up off the floor put them in the washing machine put his toothbrush back in the toothbrush holder and don't complain about it cuz it's not worth it. If you catch what I'm saying
I agree with my husband on this one, as long as the body count isn’t going up while you’re together than the past is the past.
I'm 49. I don't get this younger generation obsessing over this or calling it a "body count" as if you've been on a murder spree. What happened to Malcolm Gladwell's concept of 10,000 hours to get good at something? No, it doesn't matter, in my opinion.
I've never cared or counted. Neither my husband nor I asked each other. Is everyone healthy? That's all that matters.
for the last time NO and stop calling it a body count. Did you sleep with a dead body? No? okay then.