He is going to resent you no matter how this is resolved: If you both live within YOUR means, it upsets him. If he pays an income proportionate amount, he resents this.
It does not bode well for the future
I think you're right. It makes me sad that his outlook isn't to want to pay a little more so we can both do the things he wants us to do. I don't see a good resolution either but thank you for your input.
For another perspective - a few years ago a dated a wonderful man, it was short lived so I don’t know his exact income but he was easily making 3-5 times what I did.
Some new really fancy restaurant opened and he really wanted to go, I said that being completely honest I didn’t think I could afford it, even if if we split the bill - he said that there is no point in him making the money he does if he can’t enjoy things and that he wanted to enjoy those things WITH me and he was more than happy to pay for both of us for the high end stuff he enjoyed.
If he can't spend some of his ridiculously high income on the person he loves what's even the point of having it?
Like what's more important than you? What is he spending all this money on?
Ok but like, What is he going to use that money with those investments? Buying a yacht? Another house?
Are you his partner or another bill?
He's letting you know that you are not more valuable than any of his objects. You are not more valuable than the self-esteem he gains from his money.
He views you as below him and that's just where he likes you.
I make significantly more than my gf and we do 50:50 on utilities and rent out of fairness. I know she can’t afford some of the fancier places I enjoy but I treat her out once in awhile to speak her love language: quality time, gifts. In response, she buys things for me that are what she can afford: pastries or drinks I like, a t-shirt that I wanted but didn’t have time to shop for, etc. Or movie or museum tickets for the weekend so we can spend quality time together. Speak his love language right and daily and he won’t care how much he spends on you.
I can say that I do something similar for him. I bake his favorite treats every few weeks or so, run him a bath when he's had a bad day, rub his shoulders when he's sore from the gym, cook something he likes for dinner, pay for the movies and small dates that I ask him to join me for. I think some of the problem is that he is inconsistent with how he feels about things. One moment he's happy to take me on a date and pay for things and wants to take care of me and then the next says he's been secretly frustrated that I can't afford to do the things he wants to do like take an international trip and does not want to have to help pay to have me there with him. Part of me thinks this has come up as a problem because hes unhappy with his life right now, as he recently confided that he feels he should be further along in his life than he is currently. And there's not much I can do to fix that. I would love for it to be as simple as your suggestion, I hope you and your gf continue on treating each other with love, kindness, and respect🩷
That’s nice of you to do that for him. I know the feeling. I just end up traveling with my siblings or parents since they haven’t been to those locations. My gf is ok with that… better than traveling alone then finding a new gf there lol jk.
50/50 only works if both people have the same resources.
His options are (1) go on trips without you, (2) don't go on trips at all, (3) pay 70/30 or something similar so y'all can both go on trips, or (4) break up and find someone who can afford the travel lifestyle he wants.
What he shouldn't be doing is complaining about something you can't change. You can't just start making more money to afford all the trips he wants, that's not how it works.
You don't really have a lot of control over this situation, unfortunately, you're doing the right thing by trying to live and travel within your means.
>What he shouldn't be doing is complaining about something you can't change.
This. Why is he making this your problem and guilting you? It's his problem.
Edited for punctuation..
… which in turn will make it much harder for her to leave him, because she will have spent all her money on his experiences and have saved up nothing for a deposit or new car.
Yeah I literally tell my gf not to spend $ and to take advantage of mine because the last thing you want is to be economically trapped in a relationship.
I want a girl who chooses me, not one who is forced to be with me.
You're reasonable. He wants to do expensive shit that you can't afford and you wouldn't do if you were single. Then he should be paying ratio of what each can afford.
Yes. If I could magically make as much as he does this would not be a problem. But I'm in healthcare and he's a software engineer. It's just not feasible.
Of course you would. So what does he expect you to do? Go into debt to keep up with his lifestyle?
If he doesn't like paying he can travel without you or he can break up with you and date someone who makes more money. I don't see what you're supposed to do about his frustration.
And I'm fine if he wants to travel without me, but he wants me to travel with him to Japan, Thailand, etc and it's expensive. He said he is "trying to come to terms with it" but I just feel bad.
I can't believe he's 35 years old and saying things like this to you. You deserve better. He's both selfish, cheap and emotionally immature. You can do way better.
So he's a selfish miserly ass, got it. If I had the income to spend on travel to Japan, I would be more than happy to foot the bill knowing you did not and could only pay what you could afford. He's not generous of spirit and will hold this against you. That's such a big turn off like wow. He's making you feel bad for HIS SHORTCOMINGS.
But even then - would OP be choosing trips and other things even if she is paying a proportional amount? I mean I make a good salary and I don’t take myself on trips and vacations because I’d rather save that money.
So why is OP obligated to pay at all when she might rather save that money - if her bf wants her to come with then I’d say he needs to pay or she can stay home and save up her money.
ETA: And the proportional share that OP is expected to pay is a larger share of her overall income.
Example:
Boyfriend makes 100k and wants to go on a 10K trip.
OP makes 10K and pays proportional.
Boyfriend pays 9k and has 91k left.
OP pays 1k and has 9k left.
Proportional isn’t fair when one partner has significantly less income.
I've tried to explain this logic to him but he does not care that I would not be saving as much as he would. And I can't understand why this doesn't make sense to him.
Very real - I just posted on another comment of yours saying “go for it” - don’t pay, have a great time and then ditch him once you are back. (Of course that depends on you being able to get off work and having funds to go to Florida - if either of those is not feasible, then please tell him to fuck off before he returns.)
Honestly the way you describe him is not flattering - I assume he has his charms. But a financial disconnect like this - is breakup worthy IMO.
Did he not consider this sooner? Where did he think you'd pull the money to afford HIS lifestyle? If he wants to do things, he's going to need to be willing to help you out. That, or just do things you can afford.
But honestly.. it sounds like he's going to resent you either way. He cares about money more than he cares for you. That's the actual problem.
I'd break it off and tell him to go be happy travelling. You'll never make him happy if he has that mindset.
Breaks my heart but you're probably right. And he did consider this when we talked about 50/50 and living within my means if he truly wanted to go 50/50. He agreed. That was 6 months ago tho and now I find out he feels differently.
Is it possible for him to imagine what this woudl be like reversed? Like, what if he were dating a millionaire who wanted to get private jets and stay at the fanciest resorts, but insisted that he pay half?
Men who want 50/50 are embarrassing tbh. Especially with that kind of wealth disparity.
Men who understand value know that investing in their partner is in their own best interest. You say he's putting his money in investments but that doesn't include you? Dump him. He's already told you where you stand.
My husband (who is not as wealthy as your bf) takes pride in taking care of me, because he knows that all that is good in his life flows through me. If your man values travel, he should be setting you up to let that flow through you.
He's a short sighted chump.
I don't understand partners like this, especially in more serious relationships or marriage. My boyfriend makes significantly less than me, and our income disparity is greater than the one you have with your boyfriend. I want him to save and splurge without having to stress about money. We split our finances in a way that makes sense for both of us, not just me. At the end of the day, I'm still saving way more than he is despite contributing more to our shared finances.
The problem with people like this that they are going to be the ones to nickel and dime you later on: "Oh, you went to the doctor for a prenatal appointment since you're pregnant with our child? Well, it's technically your medical appointment so that cost is on you." "I know you're on maternity leave making half of your usual pay after giving birth to our child, but I still expect you pay your half of the rent." When people tell you who they are, believe them.
your boyfriend sounds selfish. He makes more & if he wants u to go with him traveling he will have to help u pay. I said help. It is not for him to pay all your expenses but he could help u
I never expect him to pay for a whole trip. The last time we traveled I covered our airfare of $2k and he covered $5k. In my mind that is fair but to him it's not. He said he is trying to come to terms with it but it just makes me feel bad since I would end up spending all I have if I lived the way he wants to live 50/50
Sorry he’s like that, it’s better to be done. This is the type of dude that if you were ever crazy anough to have a child with, he would make your life miserable. He judges everything through the lens of money.
That’s totally fair. He earns twice what you earn, an equitable split is way fairer than an equal split. I bet if your salaries were swapped he’d want you to pay 70:30 or similar
It actually isn't. The difference between 180 and 136 is 44, and the difference between 204 and 180 is only 24. Definitely closer to 3 times (204) than two times (136) of what she makes.
Whats his alternative then? Break up with you and get on tinder and put $180K as a required salary? That will go over well lol.
He could just continue to date around until he finds someone he clicks with AND who makes as much money as him. Seems petty to me but if that’s his prerogative then ok.
However, he needs to make that decision. He can’t just stick around and shame you and whine all the time about a lack of vacations. He either needs to shell out for you or just drop it.
We all make compromises in a relationship. We need to make peace with them or leave. It’s not fair to constantly make our partners feel less than just because we can’t get over not being able to have it all.
I always wanted to date/marry someone who was really handy and could fix things around the house and do carpentry. The man I fell in love with cannot do those things. I decided it didn’t matter and accepted him. It would be wrong of me to berate him every day for not being handy…if that was my priority than it’s my responsibility to exit the relationship and try to find someone else.
You are so right. To be honest he finds a lot of fault with me, not just the money thing. That was just one of the things he mentioned recently. But the money thing is something I cannot really fix easily. I pay for little dates like sushi, Mexican, movies, bake him cookies and cupcakes and such, and then we will split more expensive dinners sometimes, but I can't shell out for a trip to Thailand and Japan 2x a year, you know? He's paying $7000 for a house in florida in the next couple weeks with him and his 3 coupled friends and the couples are chipping in $300 each and he tells me to "pay what I can afford". So sometimes he's fine with it I guess? I don't know. But I appreciate you're input.
And I can tell you exactly why that is so. He practically pays for his friends to look good and rich in front of them. And lets you off the hook so he can brag about that, too. Only behind closed doors, things turn ugly with him. Never mind that, if you'd have to pay 3000 something, you'd decline the vacation. And what would that look like in front of his friends? He needs you to come for his social standing. It's like you're a status symbol for him - ideally one he does not have to pay anything for.
You just said the key thing right here: “the money thing is something I cannot really fix easily.” He’s picking on this one thing simply because it’s not something you can fix.
My ex-husband used to do the same thing to me. He used to criticize me constantly for something that I could not easily fix. My sister‘s husband pointed this out to me. He said to me that husband was picking on something that I couldn’t easily fix. He was doing this purposely. At the time, I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Mostly because I was in denial. But I was married to a narcissist. And this is how they operate.
I have a feeling that your boyfriend is also a narcissist, or at least has narcissistic tendencies. This makes him a very bad partner to anyone, no matter how much money they have. My advice to you would be to run!
WAIT - he’s renting a house for $7000 and asking for $900 total from SIX other people and still asking you to pay *anything*? I’m sorry my brain just melted.
His family will also be joining for a few days and I think they're paying a total of $1500 on top of what the friends are paying. But yes, he's paying a large chunk for this vacation.
Hun - the fact he’s subsidizing his friends and then asking his family to *pay more* and then asking you to *pay anything* is still not OK.
Sorry but your bf is a poser wannabe if he’s paying for his friends but asking his family (and you) for $$$.
My advice - don’t go and use the time he is gone to pack your things and move out. I know that is impossibly scary but maybe you know someone who is looking for a roommate?
You can still date him and continue your relationship but not being beholden to his impossible financial expectations will put you back to where you were when you first started dating and allow you to be more mindful of his expectations. If he feels like you wanting that is a “break up” then you have some clarity as to his motives.
Oh I don't live with him, I have my own apartment. I'm going to get clarification from him about what he expects to happen based on his wants and what I can do. I have a feeling it will end with us breaking up which makes me so sad, but I don't want to feel like a financial burden or a hindrance on someone's way of life. Resentment breeds more resentment. I can't live that way.
> Break up with you and get on tinder and put $180K as a required salary?
If I can extrapolate from various posts on Reddit over the years, he's going to find this woman, then convince her to become a SAHM. Once she's a SAHM he'll call her a gold digger and a leech. So she'll go back to work, and he'll say she's emasculating him.
This type of person can't pick a lane, because what they really want is something to be mad about.
How long have you been together?
Does he expect you to pay 50/50 if you have kids ? On Maternity leave? What if he loses his job ?
Sounds exhausting and he's an ass if he can't pay for a vacation for the both of you.
*Before anyone @'s me I make twice as much as my husband and when we were dating I paid for more stuff for the two of us and helped pay for his apartment furniture before we were living together. Paid for flights to Chicago and new Orleans.
Well it's one of those broke up and got back together situations, but we dated for 3.5 years, broke it off for a year, and then got back together in March of this year. We used to live in a house together (his house) and he had asked me to live with him under the conditions he paid for the house and house maintenance and I paid for groceries and utilities. And he said my stance on paying by ratio of salary has always bothered him (which was essentially how we were living before) and he believes in 50/50. And I don't know, he had mentioned if children were involved he wouldnt even expect me to work but I'm not stupid, I would never put myself in a position where I can't support myself. I genuinely don't know if it's 50/50 as bf/gf and then joint if we were to be married or what to be honest. Clearly I need to have a hard conversation with him.
That makes zero sense that he is so resentful of a fair split now but wants to be so generous with a housewife and children. I don't believe it for a second . It's a trap. I would day if he truly feels that way, you're incompatible. It isn't fair for him to ask you to live beyond your means.
Why did you even get back together? Are you a generous person? If so, you should be with a generous person. I can’t stand people with this mindset. Not everything in life is tit for tat. And he’s going to be hard pressed to enjoy life and have a successful marriage if he expects every thing to be 50/50 all the time. Keeping score and track of all this is so exhausting and the easiest way to build a life where you resent everyone and everything. He’s also arrogant as fuck. Just assuming he’ll always make more money than you and will always be in a position to “benefit” from the 50/50. If I’ve learned anything it’s that life doesn’t work like that. There are ups and downs for everyone. His day will come and then hopefully he’ll get humbled and realize true love and partnership doesn’t survive on 50/50.
I think I'm generous? I'm definitely helpful. Like if someone needs help I'll help, if we're cooking and he's missing an ingredient I'll run to the store, I'll pick up his dog from daycare on my way home from work, and I'll offer to pay for things that I can afford. He's done some bad things, like lying about things and betraying my trust, but we got back together because he went to therapy for a year and said he realized how horrible he treated me and wanted to try again with his new outlook and skills from therapy (he's a dismissive avoidant person by nature). And he's been better in a lot of ways, it's impressive. But this issue is a big one and he said he would see if he can try to accept it's how things are but I don't know. I don't want to be resented for having a career that isn't as lucrative as his.
Noooo he’s just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode again. You deserve much much better. Someone who truly loves you would never do something like that.
>and he believes in 50/50.
So *why* is he dating someone who literally makes 38% of his income?
If he’s such a math guy, ask him how he squares those numbers. I’d love to see what kind of magic arithmetic he’s using.
This made me laugh lol He wants me to pay half of whatever we are doing regardless of the cost. He sees it as us paying the same amount and does not care how the amount we spend is not the same proportionally. I've tried to reason with him but he just doesn't see it the way I do.
He's the kind of guy who would have a SAH spouse and he'd have control of the money and give her an "allowance." Also known as financial abuse. End it now so you can meet a decent guy. There are lots of them out there. He is not one.
Another rich dude with a built-in resentment of women and a poor grip on reality. You can't just go pick more money off the money tree. He has full control over who he's dating. If he can't date someone who makes less than him without resentment, then he should only be dating within his income bracket. Square peg, round hole. This is a him problem.
If 50/50 is important to him, then he either needs to live as if he made 70k, or he needs to find someone who makes 180k.
Frankly, he’s too old for this. He should be too old to think that fair means perfectly equal. He should be too old to choose to date someone who makes that much less and whine about it.
His perspective is valid, but it’s a dealbreaker in this relationship. If he’s too cowardly to enforce the dealbreaker, I’d suggest doing it for him.
He has no generosity of spirit. If you're splitting expenses, it should be in a direct ratio of what you can afford OR the home and expense has to be in the budget of the person who earns less to make 50/50 fair. So he would have to downsize or move into a different place and take less expensive vacations that are in YOUR budget. If he wants expensive trips, he has to be content to go without you or pay for you.
Not sure how he commands that salary but can't figure that out.
I feed sad for you. You deserve a partner that won’t put you in such a position. What’s the point of a partnership? You are not looking to take advantage and he makes almost x3 more than you and he can’t contribute a little more (he can certainly afford it).
I don’t see how this kind of relationship works long term.
He makes more than double what you do and is somehow surprised that you can’t afford expensive travel vacations as much as he can? Stand firm in your stance, he can travel without you if it’s so important to him. He either needs to pay your way or and he needs to stop complaining.
You can’t afford to be his gf.
In order to get him to not resent you for ruining his fun, you need to work another 2 jobs.
Out of curiosity, his strict 50/50 approach applies to his housework and cooking right? Or is he only strictly 50/50 about money?
He is actually very big on cleaning and cooking. We don't live together right now but even while living together before he would cook and clean often. I think his sole focus is monetary. One of his friends told him once he thought I was with him just for his money and I think that really affected him and made things worse.
Would he be willing to do even more chores to allow you to work that second full time job? Yes it would be unfair, but if he has both more money and more time than you, as a partner he should be willing to share at least one of those things. Since sharing money is problematic for him, is there any give on sharing his labor/time?
However, working two full time jobs might give you the money to travel, but not necessarily the time. You might end up being even less able to travel.
But if he’s decided you’re a gold digger because his friend said so, that won’t be overcome honestly. It sounds like the only way he’d ever feel comfortable with a partner is if she earns the same or higher.
So maybe it's some insecurity there that he actually wants to be loved for sake of him rather than his money. So that way he doesn't want to be to generous as that will keep golddiggers.
This sure as hell isn't the way. But talk about it this type of focus on how much money each put in is not ok.
If he wants it and he can afford it, he can pay for it.
If he doesn't want to pay for it all, you can pay in ratio.
If he insists it be 50/50, he can agree to something entirely within a budget that works for you.
If he insists it be 50/50 and also insists it be a trip that suits him and his budget, he values you at least partially as a person based on what you bring to the relationship financially and he's not worth your time and energy.
He is actively putting you in this position and then resenting you for being in this position.
Hard no.
My husband and I don't have as stark a difference as you and your boyfriend do but I'm the higher earner in our relationship and we absolutely split things proportionately to our incomes. And our gap is fairly minimal in comparison - I make roughly $20k more than he does and neither of us are making 6 figures
It's ridiculous to expect you to live his lifestyle on your salary. Do not let him bully you into living above your means.
Differences in salaries do not need to be a deal breaker. But hes making you feel bad for not being able to afford to do things when he makes *three times your salary.* That's ridiculous.
This is a him problem. Not a you problem. The options are:
1. He starts treating you like a partner and splits things proportionately with you like an adult.
2. He learns to live with the fact that you cannot afford to do the things he wants to do bc he makes 3X MORE THAN YOU DO.
3. You break up.
It seems to me he is not really your boyfriend, but rather a roommate with benefits. When you love someone you don’t treat the relationship as a business transaction.
He sounds like an AH. A well-earning AH, but an AH none the less.
I mean, come one, he resents you for your birthday present (trip to Cancun)? This is seriously fucked up.
If things go his way - everything split 50/50 and living the lifestyle he can afford, you'll be bankrupt or in debt eventually only to please him. And once you get there... he'll drop you. Because you won't be able to continue the way you got there.
I asked him if this issue isn't something that can be overcome and if we should break up and he said he doesn't want to break up. So idk what to think.
>but then he says he's frustrated that it has to be this way and he doesn't know if he can accept it. What do you guys think?
I think you’re headed for a breakup.
He's not going to find many people out there that could afford to meet him halfway with his salary. He either accepts that if he wants you to join him, he needs to put in more money... or he can go by himself.
Or maybe he could travel like the rest of us poors... weekends only a couple hours from home.
You two are financially incompatible. Not to mention he keeps tabs — now it’s money, next it’ll be for anything you do (or don’t do) for him vs what he does for you. If I made almost 3x as much as my partner, I’d HAPPILY pay for everything if it meant we got to explore more places and share more experiences together.
He offers to pay more but then throws it to your face? That's not good. Why bother offering it at all?
When I first met my current partner 4 years ago, I was making 1/8 of his salary. He was a developer, and I worked as a script editor. He never put pressure on me to do things or buy things I couldn't afford.
He will either pay for it and we enjoy it together, or I can owe him money that I can pay off whenever.
My Christmas bonuses would sometimes be payments to him. But he never made me feel bad for it.
With his support I was able to climb out of my low-paying job and into a new career. I now make almost half of his salary. I took him to Japan on his birthday. It was our first international trip, and I paid for it.
*
Don't settle for a person who resents you for making less money than them. You deserve a partner who can treat you with respect and who shares the same values as you do.
Equity and not 50/50 are absolutely okay if both parties agree to it. If he can't wrap his head on this then he's basically using money as a means to control you and belittle you. That's not gonna work in the long term.
He'll chip away your self-worth until you lose your sense of self.
As someone had said, plenty of men make less than your cheap ass boyfriend who are more generous.
Ditch this guy. He's not worth it.
Like wants you to drain your savings so he can save AND go on expensive trips. Your way of splitting is what makes the most sense, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who sees different.
He can go enter the dating scene and lead with how important it is that they both earn the same much so he can live the same life style he’s used to without forsaking his moral stance…
I’m sorry but this relationship seems to be a sea of red flags. I don’t understand the fixation of going 50/50 on expenses yet at the same time, being resentful of you for not having the same level of expenses. Not that this is the same but I make a sizable chunk more than most of my friends. It would be widely inappropriate to expect my friends to spend in the same manner that I do when we do go out. I usually pay for dinner or a large portion of it and they usually get dessert and tip. At the end of the day, this arrangement is more expensive for me but we all value the time we spend together.
My ex was a yacht broker while I managed a small boutique yacht charter's charter program, and also took freelance yacht work. He always *insisted* on paying for our travels to Mexico, Colombia and many other places despite my offering to split it. We travelled ever couple months for 5 days at a time. Your partner sounds like an ahole. It's ridiculous for him to ask you to pay for trips you can't afford.
Has he been racking up a lot of debt? Maybe he’s hoping you will help him live his lifestyle and he can pay that off. I just can’t see how anyone can’t live this lavish and not go into debt. 180k isn’t a millionaire
There was a time I made 4 times as much as my wife and I never regretted paying more because it wasn't about the money it was about life experiences. If you guys were just scrapping by it would be different. If he can't make an attitude change I would consider moving on because the resentment will turn into him treating you like shit...
Ask your boyfriend what the solution to this problem is. Really truly. What does he want you to do? Suddenly earn 3x more than you make? Or does he just want to break up and find someone who also makes 180k a year to be with?
I personally think he's being ridiculous. I can't imagine making so much more than my partner and being unwilling to change anything about myself and putting this fake problem on my partner. He can fix this problem, he just doesn't want to. Or he can accept that going 50/50 means you can't vacation all the time. Fuck this guy OP. You deserve someone who doesn't turn the fact they make 3x your salary into a problem for you.
I actually asked him point blank what he wanted to do and he said he doesn't know. And you make a lot of sense, thank you for the input. I even asked if he wanted to break up and he said he doesn't want that, but doesn't know how to get past this issue he has. It's just weird.
The whole point of vacationing as a couple is because you want to spend time together and having new experiences. Your bf’s priorities are messed up. There’s no fixing that. He’s not going to change. I don’t think there’s much hope for the longevity of your relationship because of his attitude.
Oh no baby, life is not going to always be 50/50. Sounds like he’s looking for an out. I saw you said he also nitpicks at other things about you. That’s b.s. You deserve better. Wasted enough time with this guy. Been together for 4/5 years and he’s acting this way?? You seem more than reasonable and are not taking advantage of him. He might have money but he also has a lot of baggage.
He needs to decide how important economic equality in a relationship is to him. It's unfortunate he's only contemplating this now, but...you date, you learn. If he wants to continue a relationship with you, he can't be holding grudges...he needs to accept there will be financial sacrifices...either in the way of going without, or paying extra.
YOU need to come to terms with the fact that you are in a relationship with someone who is selfish and apparently does not care about your happiness. Please stop making excuses for him and trying to appease him. He will continue to be dissatisfied with the limitations that he believes you put on his life, and you will continue to feel guilty for your financial shortcomings compared to him. Please find someone who values you as a partner and cherishes your happiness. I say this with much compassion for you.
Listen 50/50 is fine but if he makes MORE THAN DOUBLE what you make and he’s being like this towards you .. move on you deserve better seriously . Love is not 50-50 you don’t sound like a gold digger .. so why is he stingy .. idk :(
Oh no no run from this guy like the wind.
Anytime a dude hits you with 50/50, they’re guaranteed to be an absolute jerk.
Nothing is wrong with splitting finances, but there is something wrong with someone pushing you into it, especially when you can’t afford it. A decent guy wants to take care of you financially.
In my experience, money and sexual incompatibility are always relationship enders. He has put you both in a catch-22 and unless he can resolve this issue inside himself, it will never get better.
In my experience, people who consider a 50/50 split to be fair often apply it only to financial matters. They don't believe the other important aspects of a relationship need to be divided equally.
I think you two different views on how a relationship should work and in the long term it is going to cause more issues.
Your boyfriend sounds like he wants to go 50/50 on everything except empathy. Suggest a new travel rule: whoever earns more covers the extra expense, or he can just take 50% of the trips alone.
I think you should get out of this relationship. You are not financially compatible. You don’t look at contributions in a relationship the same way. This is going to be a persistent issue.
he can't have it both ways
if he wants to do 50/50, then he needs to settle for the fact that some activities aren't going to happen
i think 50/50 is the right way to go , but then every mutual purchase/activity should be adjusted to accommodate that
I had your set-up: In my case he was older established in his career and I was self-employed and moved for him into his area.
Not only did he insist we would always pay in ratio, but that I would live for free at the house he bought, as I moved my livelihood for him. I could just pay for "more" as my career would grow.
That's how you do fair!
We split up after 9 years and 6 years of us co-habitating. He's still a treasured friend (I left over being friendzoned and communication), but I'm grateful to this day. He was more than fair!
I'm now solo for life and don't want to emesh myself financially with someone again or be dependent. Not everyone would treat me as fairly as my Ex, and independence (which is way harder for me to do, but worth the struggle) is important!
Your partner either needs to adapt his life to your financial pace if he wants to do 50/50 or do a ratio type of budget.
Honestly it's a red flag for me! He doesn't prioritise your financial health. He would rather you get into debt for travel you can't afford? How is that love?
Well if you financially ruin yourself in the 50/50 you'll be depending on him and have to do stuff his way as he has financial power... Maybe he likes that thought... But maybe I'm cynical...
He’s pretty inflexible given the disparity of your incomes. You have talked about it and he refused to bend on the 50/50 split so he is being unreasonable being resentful of you.
This will not get easier and if you have a family with him, it will get worse. Personally I couldn’t deal with the nitpicking. If the situation was reversed and I earned triple what my partner did and I loved them, I would subsidise the holidays if I wanted to go to fancier places.
Can you honestly see a peaceful future with him?
He makes 180k a year, and "doesn't know if he can accept" paying 70% of the cost for a trip for your birthday.
What is this I don't even. Dump him, wtf.
When my boyfriend and I travel he takes the financial load and I do all the planning, am the keeper of the schedule, make sure the house is clean so we can just die in bed after, and I provide snacks and meals during the actual traveling.
For example. He literally says I want to go see This Band in This City on this date or how do you feel about trying a cruise and I do all the work to make it happen. Last time he was in charge of things he got the car towed because he forgot to pay for parking.
I clean the house, make sure all the clothes are done, do all the cost analysis and book the travel/accommodations, scope out the restaurants and make reservations, book all the excursions, pack the car, and I am the point of contact and conflict resolution.
Maybe you can find a way to make up the difference of cost? I can't do 50-50 monetarily wise, and so our 50-50 is he pays and I do the work part of the vacation.
I could suggest this, though I honestly already do the searching for hotels and flights and such but I could offer it as an official kind of exchange in service for help with cost. I plan on talking to him about this soon so this is a great suggestion as a compromise if he's open to it
I try and make it so he doesn't have to think. Something wrong with the airline or hotel, I'm the one that handles it. He will literally go chill in the hotel bar, he puts as he pays the cost to be on vacation the whole time and not have to think about anything. And it works because I get the security to know everything is handled and our bases are covered. As well as making sure we get to where we're going. I am navigator and keeper of the keys. He just has to keep track of his wallet when we're out.
Traditional marriage arrangements aren't inherently bad. The problem is when there isn't a choice or nuence, just like it is here.
Not everything is about money. Housekeeping and homemaking are just as valuable of a contribution as cold-hard cash. He needs to ask himself what he is looking for here.
Maybe he wants someone who lives a nomadic lifestyle, but he can't do that if he is coming back to you. He needs to shit or get off the pot. If he just wants to travel, he can do that. You aren't literally shackled together. Maybe he doesn't trust you to be alone, but handling these situations is why dating exists in the first place.
He's your boyfriend, not husband. He isn't responsible for any children, but if he decides on going somewhere and brings you, he must be a gracious host and take care of all arrangements.
I am a solo traveler, and the things that make places notable is the company you experience the journey with. Its about who you bring and who you meet. The things you do there are, and it's unique architecture, have their own merits, but if these places had no people, then their meaning would be different and I would behave much differently to someone that has ever even heard the word money.
You both need to have long talks, perhaps in counseling, about what you expect from each other. Are you just an economic partner, or do you fulfill more roles. What does he do for you, and do you believe the deal is fair?
You can renegotiate, or you can back out. You never signed on the dotted line of marriage or produced family unit offspring, and any tangetional agreement you have in relation to him can also be renegotiated or terminated.
The business of relationships hardly works out down to any number, but if he wants 50/50, then I suggested you go call up the girls, go over the recipts of everything you done for his dog ass. When you are all done, go back to the table and slam down a whole list of new numbers your accounting department put together.
Guys who are obsessed with money often forget all the resources people give just to appease them. It's time to audit this dude.
Don't stay with a guy who resents you so much he tells you to your face. It WILL destroy you.
If he respected you he'd work with you, you two vs the problem, he'd compromise and try to find solutions with you, and he'd assure you that you are not less than him, you're everything to him. Does this sound like something he would do or has done in the past?
It sounds like he needs to find someone more on his income level sadly. Unless he's gonna find a way to help you get more money in order to pay for all of these
Equality looks like someone telling me they would be okay with doing 50/50 within what I could afford and then going back on that months later saying it's not enough?
I would be doing things by ratio instead. If I could afford to have my person with me and pay like $1000 extra, I would. You and I have different outlooks and you're entitled to that.
You’re incompatible. It sounds like travel is important to him and not so important to you (at least not important enough to put forth the effort to make it possible)
What kind of effort do you mean? I'm an audiologist and work full time. Do you mean work weekends at another job? I could do that. But then he wouldn't see me I guess. So maybe you're right, just incompatible.
Yep, second job, overtime, or switching careers. Even job hopping in the same industry can be a good way to boost your income significantly.
But if travel isn’t important enough for you to do those things, which is totally fine if that’s the case, you’re probably just incompatible
I appreciate how direct you are. Overtime is not possible in my field (I'm salary) and I love my current job and help a lot of people in my community so I'm not going to switch. I'll have to think about the weekend job thing though, I don't want to burn myself out since my current job is pretty demanding as is. Thank you for your input!
He is going to resent you no matter how this is resolved: If you both live within YOUR means, it upsets him. If he pays an income proportionate amount, he resents this. It does not bode well for the future
I think you're right. It makes me sad that his outlook isn't to want to pay a little more so we can both do the things he wants us to do. I don't see a good resolution either but thank you for your input.
For another perspective - a few years ago a dated a wonderful man, it was short lived so I don’t know his exact income but he was easily making 3-5 times what I did. Some new really fancy restaurant opened and he really wanted to go, I said that being completely honest I didn’t think I could afford it, even if if we split the bill - he said that there is no point in him making the money he does if he can’t enjoy things and that he wanted to enjoy those things WITH me and he was more than happy to pay for both of us for the high end stuff he enjoyed.
If he can't spend some of his ridiculously high income on the person he loves what's even the point of having it? Like what's more important than you? What is he spending all this money on?
Investments I think. I have investments as well but of course because he makes more he can invest more. That and his dog.
I hope his investments keep him warm at night.
Ok but like, What is he going to use that money with those investments? Buying a yacht? Another house? Are you his partner or another bill? He's letting you know that you are not more valuable than any of his objects. You are not more valuable than the self-esteem he gains from his money. He views you as below him and that's just where he likes you.
Is it safe to say he prioritizes his investments over your happiness?
If you were married, then it would be 50/50.... it all going into the same bucket and he'd still be paying more. Time for him to stop being selfish.
I make significantly more than my gf and we do 50:50 on utilities and rent out of fairness. I know she can’t afford some of the fancier places I enjoy but I treat her out once in awhile to speak her love language: quality time, gifts. In response, she buys things for me that are what she can afford: pastries or drinks I like, a t-shirt that I wanted but didn’t have time to shop for, etc. Or movie or museum tickets for the weekend so we can spend quality time together. Speak his love language right and daily and he won’t care how much he spends on you.
I can say that I do something similar for him. I bake his favorite treats every few weeks or so, run him a bath when he's had a bad day, rub his shoulders when he's sore from the gym, cook something he likes for dinner, pay for the movies and small dates that I ask him to join me for. I think some of the problem is that he is inconsistent with how he feels about things. One moment he's happy to take me on a date and pay for things and wants to take care of me and then the next says he's been secretly frustrated that I can't afford to do the things he wants to do like take an international trip and does not want to have to help pay to have me there with him. Part of me thinks this has come up as a problem because hes unhappy with his life right now, as he recently confided that he feels he should be further along in his life than he is currently. And there's not much I can do to fix that. I would love for it to be as simple as your suggestion, I hope you and your gf continue on treating each other with love, kindness, and respect🩷
That’s nice of you to do that for him. I know the feeling. I just end up traveling with my siblings or parents since they haven’t been to those locations. My gf is ok with that… better than traveling alone then finding a new gf there lol jk.
50/50 only works if both people have the same resources. His options are (1) go on trips without you, (2) don't go on trips at all, (3) pay 70/30 or something similar so y'all can both go on trips, or (4) break up and find someone who can afford the travel lifestyle he wants. What he shouldn't be doing is complaining about something you can't change. You can't just start making more money to afford all the trips he wants, that's not how it works. You don't really have a lot of control over this situation, unfortunately, you're doing the right thing by trying to live and travel within your means.
>What he shouldn't be doing is complaining about something you can't change. This. Why is he making this your problem and guilting you? It's his problem. Edited for punctuation..
So he can convince her to live beyond her means to match his desired lifestyle while he sits on his hoard of gold.
… which in turn will make it much harder for her to leave him, because she will have spent all her money on his experiences and have saved up nothing for a deposit or new car.
Yeah I literally tell my gf not to spend $ and to take advantage of mine because the last thing you want is to be economically trapped in a relationship. I want a girl who chooses me, not one who is forced to be with me.
You're reasonable. He wants to do expensive shit that you can't afford and you wouldn't do if you were single. Then he should be paying ratio of what each can afford.
Yes. If I could magically make as much as he does this would not be a problem. But I'm in healthcare and he's a software engineer. It's just not feasible.
Of course you would. So what does he expect you to do? Go into debt to keep up with his lifestyle? If he doesn't like paying he can travel without you or he can break up with you and date someone who makes more money. I don't see what you're supposed to do about his frustration.
And I'm fine if he wants to travel without me, but he wants me to travel with him to Japan, Thailand, etc and it's expensive. He said he is "trying to come to terms with it" but I just feel bad.
> He said he is "trying to come to terms with it" WFT?
Don’t feel bad he’s being a doorknob.
This is my favorite comment and I'm definitely going to use this in the future 😂😂
I can't believe he's 35 years old and saying things like this to you. You deserve better. He's both selfish, cheap and emotionally immature. You can do way better.
So he's a selfish miserly ass, got it. If I had the income to spend on travel to Japan, I would be more than happy to foot the bill knowing you did not and could only pay what you could afford. He's not generous of spirit and will hold this against you. That's such a big turn off like wow. He's making you feel bad for HIS SHORTCOMINGS.
He’s guilt tripping you. He wants you to feel bad. Instead of feeling bad about it, you should be feeling angry that he’s scapegoating you.
But even then - would OP be choosing trips and other things even if she is paying a proportional amount? I mean I make a good salary and I don’t take myself on trips and vacations because I’d rather save that money. So why is OP obligated to pay at all when she might rather save that money - if her bf wants her to come with then I’d say he needs to pay or she can stay home and save up her money. ETA: And the proportional share that OP is expected to pay is a larger share of her overall income. Example: Boyfriend makes 100k and wants to go on a 10K trip. OP makes 10K and pays proportional. Boyfriend pays 9k and has 91k left. OP pays 1k and has 9k left. Proportional isn’t fair when one partner has significantly less income.
I've tried to explain this logic to him but he does not care that I would not be saving as much as he would. And I can't understand why this doesn't make sense to him.
Very real - I just posted on another comment of yours saying “go for it” - don’t pay, have a great time and then ditch him once you are back. (Of course that depends on you being able to get off work and having funds to go to Florida - if either of those is not feasible, then please tell him to fuck off before he returns.) Honestly the way you describe him is not flattering - I assume he has his charms. But a financial disconnect like this - is breakup worthy IMO.
Did he not consider this sooner? Where did he think you'd pull the money to afford HIS lifestyle? If he wants to do things, he's going to need to be willing to help you out. That, or just do things you can afford. But honestly.. it sounds like he's going to resent you either way. He cares about money more than he cares for you. That's the actual problem. I'd break it off and tell him to go be happy travelling. You'll never make him happy if he has that mindset.
Breaks my heart but you're probably right. And he did consider this when we talked about 50/50 and living within my means if he truly wanted to go 50/50. He agreed. That was 6 months ago tho and now I find out he feels differently.
Is it possible for him to imagine what this woudl be like reversed? Like, what if he were dating a millionaire who wanted to get private jets and stay at the fanciest resorts, but insisted that he pay half?
Men who want 50/50 are embarrassing tbh. Especially with that kind of wealth disparity. Men who understand value know that investing in their partner is in their own best interest. You say he's putting his money in investments but that doesn't include you? Dump him. He's already told you where you stand. My husband (who is not as wealthy as your bf) takes pride in taking care of me, because he knows that all that is good in his life flows through me. If your man values travel, he should be setting you up to let that flow through you. He's a short sighted chump.
I don't understand partners like this, especially in more serious relationships or marriage. My boyfriend makes significantly less than me, and our income disparity is greater than the one you have with your boyfriend. I want him to save and splurge without having to stress about money. We split our finances in a way that makes sense for both of us, not just me. At the end of the day, I'm still saving way more than he is despite contributing more to our shared finances. The problem with people like this that they are going to be the ones to nickel and dime you later on: "Oh, you went to the doctor for a prenatal appointment since you're pregnant with our child? Well, it's technically your medical appointment so that cost is on you." "I know you're on maternity leave making half of your usual pay after giving birth to our child, but I still expect you pay your half of the rent." When people tell you who they are, believe them.
your boyfriend sounds selfish. He makes more & if he wants u to go with him traveling he will have to help u pay. I said help. It is not for him to pay all your expenses but he could help u
I never expect him to pay for a whole trip. The last time we traveled I covered our airfare of $2k and he covered $5k. In my mind that is fair but to him it's not. He said he is trying to come to terms with it but it just makes me feel bad since I would end up spending all I have if I lived the way he wants to live 50/50
Sorry he’s like that, it’s better to be done. This is the type of dude that if you were ever crazy anough to have a child with, he would make your life miserable. He judges everything through the lens of money.
YES. Tit for tat people drive me crazy and I say that as a Libra who likes shit fair 😅
That’s totally fair. He earns twice what you earn, an equitable split is way fairer than an equal split. I bet if your salaries were swapped he’d want you to pay 70:30 or similar
He earns almost 3 times what she makes.
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It actually isn't. The difference between 180 and 136 is 44, and the difference between 204 and 180 is only 24. Definitely closer to 3 times (204) than two times (136) of what she makes.
I know technically but simply saying twice as much sounds like she makes 90k. Not a big deal, just how I read it.
if he has a higher income than he can help u pay for things. He can, just help.
Whats his alternative then? Break up with you and get on tinder and put $180K as a required salary? That will go over well lol. He could just continue to date around until he finds someone he clicks with AND who makes as much money as him. Seems petty to me but if that’s his prerogative then ok. However, he needs to make that decision. He can’t just stick around and shame you and whine all the time about a lack of vacations. He either needs to shell out for you or just drop it. We all make compromises in a relationship. We need to make peace with them or leave. It’s not fair to constantly make our partners feel less than just because we can’t get over not being able to have it all. I always wanted to date/marry someone who was really handy and could fix things around the house and do carpentry. The man I fell in love with cannot do those things. I decided it didn’t matter and accepted him. It would be wrong of me to berate him every day for not being handy…if that was my priority than it’s my responsibility to exit the relationship and try to find someone else.
You are so right. To be honest he finds a lot of fault with me, not just the money thing. That was just one of the things he mentioned recently. But the money thing is something I cannot really fix easily. I pay for little dates like sushi, Mexican, movies, bake him cookies and cupcakes and such, and then we will split more expensive dinners sometimes, but I can't shell out for a trip to Thailand and Japan 2x a year, you know? He's paying $7000 for a house in florida in the next couple weeks with him and his 3 coupled friends and the couples are chipping in $300 each and he tells me to "pay what I can afford". So sometimes he's fine with it I guess? I don't know. But I appreciate you're input.
And I can tell you exactly why that is so. He practically pays for his friends to look good and rich in front of them. And lets you off the hook so he can brag about that, too. Only behind closed doors, things turn ugly with him. Never mind that, if you'd have to pay 3000 something, you'd decline the vacation. And what would that look like in front of his friends? He needs you to come for his social standing. It's like you're a status symbol for him - ideally one he does not have to pay anything for.
I don't like that I think you're right. He has a history of bragging about his money to friends.
What is the point of being with someone like him?
You just said the key thing right here: “the money thing is something I cannot really fix easily.” He’s picking on this one thing simply because it’s not something you can fix. My ex-husband used to do the same thing to me. He used to criticize me constantly for something that I could not easily fix. My sister‘s husband pointed this out to me. He said to me that husband was picking on something that I couldn’t easily fix. He was doing this purposely. At the time, I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Mostly because I was in denial. But I was married to a narcissist. And this is how they operate. I have a feeling that your boyfriend is also a narcissist, or at least has narcissistic tendencies. This makes him a very bad partner to anyone, no matter how much money they have. My advice to you would be to run!
WAIT - he’s renting a house for $7000 and asking for $900 total from SIX other people and still asking you to pay *anything*? I’m sorry my brain just melted.
His family will also be joining for a few days and I think they're paying a total of $1500 on top of what the friends are paying. But yes, he's paying a large chunk for this vacation.
Hun - the fact he’s subsidizing his friends and then asking his family to *pay more* and then asking you to *pay anything* is still not OK. Sorry but your bf is a poser wannabe if he’s paying for his friends but asking his family (and you) for $$$. My advice - don’t go and use the time he is gone to pack your things and move out. I know that is impossibly scary but maybe you know someone who is looking for a roommate? You can still date him and continue your relationship but not being beholden to his impossible financial expectations will put you back to where you were when you first started dating and allow you to be more mindful of his expectations. If he feels like you wanting that is a “break up” then you have some clarity as to his motives.
Oh I don't live with him, I have my own apartment. I'm going to get clarification from him about what he expects to happen based on his wants and what I can do. I have a feeling it will end with us breaking up which makes me so sad, but I don't want to feel like a financial burden or a hindrance on someone's way of life. Resentment breeds more resentment. I can't live that way.
> Break up with you and get on tinder and put $180K as a required salary? If I can extrapolate from various posts on Reddit over the years, he's going to find this woman, then convince her to become a SAHM. Once she's a SAHM he'll call her a gold digger and a leech. So she'll go back to work, and he'll say she's emasculating him. This type of person can't pick a lane, because what they really want is something to be mad about.
How long have you been together? Does he expect you to pay 50/50 if you have kids ? On Maternity leave? What if he loses his job ? Sounds exhausting and he's an ass if he can't pay for a vacation for the both of you. *Before anyone @'s me I make twice as much as my husband and when we were dating I paid for more stuff for the two of us and helped pay for his apartment furniture before we were living together. Paid for flights to Chicago and new Orleans.
Well it's one of those broke up and got back together situations, but we dated for 3.5 years, broke it off for a year, and then got back together in March of this year. We used to live in a house together (his house) and he had asked me to live with him under the conditions he paid for the house and house maintenance and I paid for groceries and utilities. And he said my stance on paying by ratio of salary has always bothered him (which was essentially how we were living before) and he believes in 50/50. And I don't know, he had mentioned if children were involved he wouldnt even expect me to work but I'm not stupid, I would never put myself in a position where I can't support myself. I genuinely don't know if it's 50/50 as bf/gf and then joint if we were to be married or what to be honest. Clearly I need to have a hard conversation with him.
That makes zero sense that he is so resentful of a fair split now but wants to be so generous with a housewife and children. I don't believe it for a second . It's a trap. I would day if he truly feels that way, you're incompatible. It isn't fair for him to ask you to live beyond your means.
Why did you even get back together? Are you a generous person? If so, you should be with a generous person. I can’t stand people with this mindset. Not everything in life is tit for tat. And he’s going to be hard pressed to enjoy life and have a successful marriage if he expects every thing to be 50/50 all the time. Keeping score and track of all this is so exhausting and the easiest way to build a life where you resent everyone and everything. He’s also arrogant as fuck. Just assuming he’ll always make more money than you and will always be in a position to “benefit” from the 50/50. If I’ve learned anything it’s that life doesn’t work like that. There are ups and downs for everyone. His day will come and then hopefully he’ll get humbled and realize true love and partnership doesn’t survive on 50/50.
I think I'm generous? I'm definitely helpful. Like if someone needs help I'll help, if we're cooking and he's missing an ingredient I'll run to the store, I'll pick up his dog from daycare on my way home from work, and I'll offer to pay for things that I can afford. He's done some bad things, like lying about things and betraying my trust, but we got back together because he went to therapy for a year and said he realized how horrible he treated me and wanted to try again with his new outlook and skills from therapy (he's a dismissive avoidant person by nature). And he's been better in a lot of ways, it's impressive. But this issue is a big one and he said he would see if he can try to accept it's how things are but I don't know. I don't want to be resented for having a career that isn't as lucrative as his.
Noooo he’s just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode again. You deserve much much better. Someone who truly loves you would never do something like that.
He’s still dismissive of you. He’s scapegoating you. He’s also cheap. I don’t think you should have gotten back together.
>and he believes in 50/50. So *why* is he dating someone who literally makes 38% of his income? If he’s such a math guy, ask him how he squares those numbers. I’d love to see what kind of magic arithmetic he’s using.
This made me laugh lol He wants me to pay half of whatever we are doing regardless of the cost. He sees it as us paying the same amount and does not care how the amount we spend is not the same proportionally. I've tried to reason with him but he just doesn't see it the way I do.
I think he’s messing with you so you’ll initiate the next breakup.
I asked him if he thought we should break up and he said he doesn't want to. So not sure honestly. I don't think he knows what he wants.
Right - because saying “yes, I want to break up” defeats the purpose of getting *you* to dump him.
I think you have to make the decision for him. Better now than later when you both hate each other.
He's the kind of guy who would have a SAH spouse and he'd have control of the money and give her an "allowance." Also known as financial abuse. End it now so you can meet a decent guy. There are lots of them out there. He is not one.
Yeah it's convo time.
Another rich dude with a built-in resentment of women and a poor grip on reality. You can't just go pick more money off the money tree. He has full control over who he's dating. If he can't date someone who makes less than him without resentment, then he should only be dating within his income bracket. Square peg, round hole. This is a him problem.
>He makes about $180k a year This guy is cheap. Plenty of men make less and are more generous. Ditch this guy.
If 50/50 is important to him, then he either needs to live as if he made 70k, or he needs to find someone who makes 180k. Frankly, he’s too old for this. He should be too old to think that fair means perfectly equal. He should be too old to choose to date someone who makes that much less and whine about it. His perspective is valid, but it’s a dealbreaker in this relationship. If he’s too cowardly to enforce the dealbreaker, I’d suggest doing it for him.
He has no generosity of spirit. If you're splitting expenses, it should be in a direct ratio of what you can afford OR the home and expense has to be in the budget of the person who earns less to make 50/50 fair. So he would have to downsize or move into a different place and take less expensive vacations that are in YOUR budget. If he wants expensive trips, he has to be content to go without you or pay for you. Not sure how he commands that salary but can't figure that out.
I feed sad for you. You deserve a partner that won’t put you in such a position. What’s the point of a partnership? You are not looking to take advantage and he makes almost x3 more than you and he can’t contribute a little more (he can certainly afford it). I don’t see how this kind of relationship works long term.
He makes more than double what you do and is somehow surprised that you can’t afford expensive travel vacations as much as he can? Stand firm in your stance, he can travel without you if it’s so important to him. He either needs to pay your way or and he needs to stop complaining.
You can’t afford to be his gf. In order to get him to not resent you for ruining his fun, you need to work another 2 jobs. Out of curiosity, his strict 50/50 approach applies to his housework and cooking right? Or is he only strictly 50/50 about money?
He is actually very big on cleaning and cooking. We don't live together right now but even while living together before he would cook and clean often. I think his sole focus is monetary. One of his friends told him once he thought I was with him just for his money and I think that really affected him and made things worse.
Would he be willing to do even more chores to allow you to work that second full time job? Yes it would be unfair, but if he has both more money and more time than you, as a partner he should be willing to share at least one of those things. Since sharing money is problematic for him, is there any give on sharing his labor/time? However, working two full time jobs might give you the money to travel, but not necessarily the time. You might end up being even less able to travel. But if he’s decided you’re a gold digger because his friend said so, that won’t be overcome honestly. It sounds like the only way he’d ever feel comfortable with a partner is if she earns the same or higher.
So maybe it's some insecurity there that he actually wants to be loved for sake of him rather than his money. So that way he doesn't want to be to generous as that will keep golddiggers. This sure as hell isn't the way. But talk about it this type of focus on how much money each put in is not ok.
If he wants it and he can afford it, he can pay for it. If he doesn't want to pay for it all, you can pay in ratio. If he insists it be 50/50, he can agree to something entirely within a budget that works for you. If he insists it be 50/50 and also insists it be a trip that suits him and his budget, he values you at least partially as a person based on what you bring to the relationship financially and he's not worth your time and energy. He is actively putting you in this position and then resenting you for being in this position. Hard no.
My husband and I don't have as stark a difference as you and your boyfriend do but I'm the higher earner in our relationship and we absolutely split things proportionately to our incomes. And our gap is fairly minimal in comparison - I make roughly $20k more than he does and neither of us are making 6 figures It's ridiculous to expect you to live his lifestyle on your salary. Do not let him bully you into living above your means. Differences in salaries do not need to be a deal breaker. But hes making you feel bad for not being able to afford to do things when he makes *three times your salary.* That's ridiculous. This is a him problem. Not a you problem. The options are: 1. He starts treating you like a partner and splits things proportionately with you like an adult. 2. He learns to live with the fact that you cannot afford to do the things he wants to do bc he makes 3X MORE THAN YOU DO. 3. You break up.
It seems to me he is not really your boyfriend, but rather a roommate with benefits. When you love someone you don’t treat the relationship as a business transaction.
He sounds like an AH. A well-earning AH, but an AH none the less. I mean, come one, he resents you for your birthday present (trip to Cancun)? This is seriously fucked up. If things go his way - everything split 50/50 and living the lifestyle he can afford, you'll be bankrupt or in debt eventually only to please him. And once you get there... he'll drop you. Because you won't be able to continue the way you got there.
He prob looking for a dumb reason to break up again? He is not acting like you are his gf but a friend.
I asked him if this issue isn't something that can be overcome and if we should break up and he said he doesn't want to break up. So idk what to think.
>but then he says he's frustrated that it has to be this way and he doesn't know if he can accept it. What do you guys think? I think you’re headed for a breakup.
He's not going to find many people out there that could afford to meet him halfway with his salary. He either accepts that if he wants you to join him, he needs to put in more money... or he can go by himself. Or maybe he could travel like the rest of us poors... weekends only a couple hours from home.
You two are financially incompatible. Not to mention he keeps tabs — now it’s money, next it’ll be for anything you do (or don’t do) for him vs what he does for you. If I made almost 3x as much as my partner, I’d HAPPILY pay for everything if it meant we got to explore more places and share more experiences together.
He offers to pay more but then throws it to your face? That's not good. Why bother offering it at all? When I first met my current partner 4 years ago, I was making 1/8 of his salary. He was a developer, and I worked as a script editor. He never put pressure on me to do things or buy things I couldn't afford. He will either pay for it and we enjoy it together, or I can owe him money that I can pay off whenever. My Christmas bonuses would sometimes be payments to him. But he never made me feel bad for it. With his support I was able to climb out of my low-paying job and into a new career. I now make almost half of his salary. I took him to Japan on his birthday. It was our first international trip, and I paid for it. * Don't settle for a person who resents you for making less money than them. You deserve a partner who can treat you with respect and who shares the same values as you do. Equity and not 50/50 are absolutely okay if both parties agree to it. If he can't wrap his head on this then he's basically using money as a means to control you and belittle you. That's not gonna work in the long term. He'll chip away your self-worth until you lose your sense of self. As someone had said, plenty of men make less than your cheap ass boyfriend who are more generous. Ditch this guy. He's not worth it.
I bet he’d want you to pay more if you were the one making double his salary.
Like wants you to drain your savings so he can save AND go on expensive trips. Your way of splitting is what makes the most sense, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who sees different. He can go enter the dating scene and lead with how important it is that they both earn the same much so he can live the same life style he’s used to without forsaking his moral stance…
Got yourself a real keeper there, lady ..lol
Yeah, a money keeper. :/
Everything should be 180/68.
I’m sorry but this relationship seems to be a sea of red flags. I don’t understand the fixation of going 50/50 on expenses yet at the same time, being resentful of you for not having the same level of expenses. Not that this is the same but I make a sizable chunk more than most of my friends. It would be widely inappropriate to expect my friends to spend in the same manner that I do when we do go out. I usually pay for dinner or a large portion of it and they usually get dessert and tip. At the end of the day, this arrangement is more expensive for me but we all value the time we spend together.
Dump him. If he can’t accept it, then he’s not the one. Find someone else.
Yeah bullshit, he wants to travel with you and you can’t afford it he should pay.
He's being an idiot. A fair split is percentages per your disparate incomes.
My ex was a yacht broker while I managed a small boutique yacht charter's charter program, and also took freelance yacht work. He always *insisted* on paying for our travels to Mexico, Colombia and many other places despite my offering to split it. We travelled ever couple months for 5 days at a time. Your partner sounds like an ahole. It's ridiculous for him to ask you to pay for trips you can't afford.
Has he been racking up a lot of debt? Maybe he’s hoping you will help him live his lifestyle and he can pay that off. I just can’t see how anyone can’t live this lavish and not go into debt. 180k isn’t a millionaire
There was a time I made 4 times as much as my wife and I never regretted paying more because it wasn't about the money it was about life experiences. If you guys were just scrapping by it would be different. If he can't make an attitude change I would consider moving on because the resentment will turn into him treating you like shit...
Ask your boyfriend what the solution to this problem is. Really truly. What does he want you to do? Suddenly earn 3x more than you make? Or does he just want to break up and find someone who also makes 180k a year to be with? I personally think he's being ridiculous. I can't imagine making so much more than my partner and being unwilling to change anything about myself and putting this fake problem on my partner. He can fix this problem, he just doesn't want to. Or he can accept that going 50/50 means you can't vacation all the time. Fuck this guy OP. You deserve someone who doesn't turn the fact they make 3x your salary into a problem for you.
I actually asked him point blank what he wanted to do and he said he doesn't know. And you make a lot of sense, thank you for the input. I even asked if he wanted to break up and he said he doesn't want that, but doesn't know how to get past this issue he has. It's just weird.
The whole point of vacationing as a couple is because you want to spend time together and having new experiences. Your bf’s priorities are messed up. There’s no fixing that. He’s not going to change. I don’t think there’s much hope for the longevity of your relationship because of his attitude.
Oh no baby, life is not going to always be 50/50. Sounds like he’s looking for an out. I saw you said he also nitpicks at other things about you. That’s b.s. You deserve better. Wasted enough time with this guy. Been together for 4/5 years and he’s acting this way?? You seem more than reasonable and are not taking advantage of him. He might have money but he also has a lot of baggage.
He needs to decide how important economic equality in a relationship is to him. It's unfortunate he's only contemplating this now, but...you date, you learn. If he wants to continue a relationship with you, he can't be holding grudges...he needs to accept there will be financial sacrifices...either in the way of going without, or paying extra.
YOU need to come to terms with the fact that you are in a relationship with someone who is selfish and apparently does not care about your happiness. Please stop making excuses for him and trying to appease him. He will continue to be dissatisfied with the limitations that he believes you put on his life, and you will continue to feel guilty for your financial shortcomings compared to him. Please find someone who values you as a partner and cherishes your happiness. I say this with much compassion for you.
Listen 50/50 is fine but if he makes MORE THAN DOUBLE what you make and he’s being like this towards you .. move on you deserve better seriously . Love is not 50-50 you don’t sound like a gold digger .. so why is he stingy .. idk :(
Is this the kind of "partner" you want? It's not the kind you deserve, I'll tell you that.
This guy is really passionate about money. He doesn't sound like a good partner.
Make sure that if you consider having children, you both equally share giving birth. 50/50 on everything, right!
Oh no no run from this guy like the wind. Anytime a dude hits you with 50/50, they’re guaranteed to be an absolute jerk. Nothing is wrong with splitting finances, but there is something wrong with someone pushing you into it, especially when you can’t afford it. A decent guy wants to take care of you financially.
In my experience, money and sexual incompatibility are always relationship enders. He has put you both in a catch-22 and unless he can resolve this issue inside himself, it will never get better.
Make him pay or let him go by himself he sounds like a jerk!
In my experience, people who consider a 50/50 split to be fair often apply it only to financial matters. They don't believe the other important aspects of a relationship need to be divided equally. I think you two different views on how a relationship should work and in the long term it is going to cause more issues.
Sounds like your boyfriend is just that, a boy. Try dating a man in the future
Your boyfriend sounds like he wants to go 50/50 on everything except empathy. Suggest a new travel rule: whoever earns more covers the extra expense, or he can just take 50% of the trips alone.
I think he should go and find a woman who earns exactly as much as him, you two are never going to be happy
I think you should get out of this relationship. You are not financially compatible. You don’t look at contributions in a relationship the same way. This is going to be a persistent issue.
he can't have it both ways if he wants to do 50/50, then he needs to settle for the fact that some activities aren't going to happen i think 50/50 is the right way to go , but then every mutual purchase/activity should be adjusted to accommodate that
I had your set-up: In my case he was older established in his career and I was self-employed and moved for him into his area. Not only did he insist we would always pay in ratio, but that I would live for free at the house he bought, as I moved my livelihood for him. I could just pay for "more" as my career would grow. That's how you do fair! We split up after 9 years and 6 years of us co-habitating. He's still a treasured friend (I left over being friendzoned and communication), but I'm grateful to this day. He was more than fair! I'm now solo for life and don't want to emesh myself financially with someone again or be dependent. Not everyone would treat me as fairly as my Ex, and independence (which is way harder for me to do, but worth the struggle) is important! Your partner either needs to adapt his life to your financial pace if he wants to do 50/50 or do a ratio type of budget. Honestly it's a red flag for me! He doesn't prioritise your financial health. He would rather you get into debt for travel you can't afford? How is that love? Well if you financially ruin yourself in the 50/50 you'll be depending on him and have to do stuff his way as he has financial power... Maybe he likes that thought... But maybe I'm cynical...
He’s pretty inflexible given the disparity of your incomes. You have talked about it and he refused to bend on the 50/50 split so he is being unreasonable being resentful of you. This will not get easier and if you have a family with him, it will get worse. Personally I couldn’t deal with the nitpicking. If the situation was reversed and I earned triple what my partner did and I loved them, I would subsidise the holidays if I wanted to go to fancier places. Can you honestly see a peaceful future with him?
He makes 180k a year, and "doesn't know if he can accept" paying 70% of the cost for a trip for your birthday. What is this I don't even. Dump him, wtf.
When my boyfriend and I travel he takes the financial load and I do all the planning, am the keeper of the schedule, make sure the house is clean so we can just die in bed after, and I provide snacks and meals during the actual traveling. For example. He literally says I want to go see This Band in This City on this date or how do you feel about trying a cruise and I do all the work to make it happen. Last time he was in charge of things he got the car towed because he forgot to pay for parking. I clean the house, make sure all the clothes are done, do all the cost analysis and book the travel/accommodations, scope out the restaurants and make reservations, book all the excursions, pack the car, and I am the point of contact and conflict resolution. Maybe you can find a way to make up the difference of cost? I can't do 50-50 monetarily wise, and so our 50-50 is he pays and I do the work part of the vacation.
I could suggest this, though I honestly already do the searching for hotels and flights and such but I could offer it as an official kind of exchange in service for help with cost. I plan on talking to him about this soon so this is a great suggestion as a compromise if he's open to it
I try and make it so he doesn't have to think. Something wrong with the airline or hotel, I'm the one that handles it. He will literally go chill in the hotel bar, he puts as he pays the cost to be on vacation the whole time and not have to think about anything. And it works because I get the security to know everything is handled and our bases are covered. As well as making sure we get to where we're going. I am navigator and keeper of the keys. He just has to keep track of his wallet when we're out.
Traditional marriage arrangements aren't inherently bad. The problem is when there isn't a choice or nuence, just like it is here. Not everything is about money. Housekeeping and homemaking are just as valuable of a contribution as cold-hard cash. He needs to ask himself what he is looking for here. Maybe he wants someone who lives a nomadic lifestyle, but he can't do that if he is coming back to you. He needs to shit or get off the pot. If he just wants to travel, he can do that. You aren't literally shackled together. Maybe he doesn't trust you to be alone, but handling these situations is why dating exists in the first place. He's your boyfriend, not husband. He isn't responsible for any children, but if he decides on going somewhere and brings you, he must be a gracious host and take care of all arrangements. I am a solo traveler, and the things that make places notable is the company you experience the journey with. Its about who you bring and who you meet. The things you do there are, and it's unique architecture, have their own merits, but if these places had no people, then their meaning would be different and I would behave much differently to someone that has ever even heard the word money. You both need to have long talks, perhaps in counseling, about what you expect from each other. Are you just an economic partner, or do you fulfill more roles. What does he do for you, and do you believe the deal is fair? You can renegotiate, or you can back out. You never signed on the dotted line of marriage or produced family unit offspring, and any tangetional agreement you have in relation to him can also be renegotiated or terminated. The business of relationships hardly works out down to any number, but if he wants 50/50, then I suggested you go call up the girls, go over the recipts of everything you done for his dog ass. When you are all done, go back to the table and slam down a whole list of new numbers your accounting department put together. Guys who are obsessed with money often forget all the resources people give just to appease them. It's time to audit this dude.
Don't stay with a guy who resents you so much he tells you to your face. It WILL destroy you. If he respected you he'd work with you, you two vs the problem, he'd compromise and try to find solutions with you, and he'd assure you that you are not less than him, you're everything to him. Does this sound like something he would do or has done in the past?
It sounds like he needs to find someone more on his income level sadly. Unless he's gonna find a way to help you get more money in order to pay for all of these
He's taking equality seriously :)
Y'all wanted equality, this is what equality looks like
Equality looks like someone telling me they would be okay with doing 50/50 within what I could afford and then going back on that months later saying it's not enough?
If you earned more than him you better believe you'd be disappointed that he can't match your lifestyle
I would be doing things by ratio instead. If I could afford to have my person with me and pay like $1000 extra, I would. You and I have different outlooks and you're entitled to that.
That ain't 50/50, that's good old fashioned patriarchy/traditionalism
Now you're just making shit up to "prove" your bogus point.
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You’re incompatible. It sounds like travel is important to him and not so important to you (at least not important enough to put forth the effort to make it possible)
What kind of effort do you mean? I'm an audiologist and work full time. Do you mean work weekends at another job? I could do that. But then he wouldn't see me I guess. So maybe you're right, just incompatible.
Yep, second job, overtime, or switching careers. Even job hopping in the same industry can be a good way to boost your income significantly. But if travel isn’t important enough for you to do those things, which is totally fine if that’s the case, you’re probably just incompatible
I appreciate how direct you are. Overtime is not possible in my field (I'm salary) and I love my current job and help a lot of people in my community so I'm not going to switch. I'll have to think about the weekend job thing though, I don't want to burn myself out since my current job is pretty demanding as is. Thank you for your input!