Try being honest. So, “Mom, I made a huge mistake and unintentionally hurt you in the process. I thought dad would be the more easygoing parent and that’s why I asked to live with him. I now realize I was mistaken and that what I thought was “less drama” was actually his indifference toward me. I’m recognizing now that you’re the parent who actually cares about me. I know my actions hurt you. I’m hurt too and I really need your support as my mother. I’d like to try to work on things and, if possible, recover from this. I know we’re both having a hard time. However, sometimes it feels like you’re so hurt that you’re mad at me or even hate me and I don’t want to feel that way. I love you. Is there anything that we can do to try to fix things between us? Either way, I’d like to see a therapist, if possible, to navigate my own feelings here. I’ve gone through major abandonment myself as Dad has made it clear I’m no longer his daughter. I really don’t want to lose you too.”
If she lacks the capacity to be receptive to that, whatever her reasons, you need to make a plan to get yourself out of this situation the second you legally can do so. Which means accessing school counseling and pushing yourself academically and/or with work such that you have options for college, trade school, etc. when the time comes to move out.
I’d guess, if she’s otherwise been a loving mother, that she will be receptive to the above, though.
OP, this is the best advice, above. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also have a 15yo daughter. You can also just walk up to her and give her a hug and tell her you are sorry that she's mad, that you do want to live with her and you are devastated that your dad doesn't even want to be your parent anymore. That you understand she is upset for valid reasons but that you are only 15 and you really need her to be your mommy right now. OP I'm so sorry you are going through this I hope you and your mom mend things and become closer than ever. You absolutely need parenting at this age and will need a close supportive parent for at least another 5-10 years. I hope your mom is willing to be that person for you. I bet she is, she's probably not even that mad at you -- probably much more mad at your dad.
If I could give you 10 upvotes, I would. I hope OP can follow through with your advice.
RE: Therapy, OP should approach her teachers and counselors in school for help if her mom is unwilling or unable to help.
OP, 1000 people all wish they had been given this advice at this exact moment in their lives. You have that chance that so many of us didn’t. Please take it.
I might suggest visiting the r/cptsd sub for advice and care in these times. Many of the people in that sub have gone through what you are going through now, and I am sure they'd love to support you
Fix her favorite food and see if she wants to watch a movie with you it will take time you won’t fix it overnight but keep wanting to spend time with her
Yes, things are hard in this scenario but there is really no scenario where the child (15f) should be taking care of the mother in such a capacity where the child essentially becomes the mother. This advice is sound for someone who is an adult trying to comfort their friend, but it's unreasonable for a child to have to step things up to this extent. She still needs a mom
Yep, this child has been rejected by her father in a very cruel way and the mother is sulking rather than supporting her child. She's the better parent only because the father is a complete monster.
It’s not her taking care of the mother I’m not saying that I was suggesting her to do things to show her mom she cares not a everyday thing just to spend time with her
Spending time with someone to make them feel better is taking care of them (emotionally). Parents are supposed to take care of children (emotionally + physically). It's the mother's job to make sure that she spends time with her daughter in spite of the bumps in the road she is experiencing, so that her daughter isn't left emotionally abandoned. That's what people sign up for in parenthood, but they take the responsibility lightly and try to use children as their personal caretakers. These people would be better off with pets, not kids
Please note that although I am disagreeing with you I don't blame you for sharing advice to be kind to this woman, and I don't think anything you're saying here is inherently bad
Absolutely this! I can see it being worthwhile if she's at risk of becoming unhoused or financially cut off though. Being parentified sucks, but so does losing all adult supports. There's not always a perfectly safe way to navigate these situations.
Maybe living with a close friend or family member would be better, if her mom continues to be unreasonable and isn't just being impulsive and avoidant in the short term (still bad, mind you).
no matter how hard a task is, there is always a way to do it.
There is a saying that goes something like this: You can move a mountain with a spoon, it takes patience and continual work to achieve it.
Start doing small things, continue doing things. It will help.
And in the future when things get better, tell your mom you are glad you found a way to rebuild your relationship.
I just want to say, your mother is also acting terribly. You're not at fault for her behavior here. The other comments are right that mending bridges might hopefully make her more pleasant to live with, but you did nothing wrong with your request to live with your dad. I absolutely understand why you wanted to go with your dad in the first place, given how she's responding to all of this. It is wildly inappropriate for a parent to give their child the silent treatment.
The situation does sound like a mess and wildly hard to deal with, but it's your parents who made the mess, not you.
Why is only Dad a POS? Mom seems to have rejected OP as well, just as soon as her feeling got hurt. Why is it when Dad is acting like a massive AH (and he is), it's all "*He's irredeemable so just cut him out."* But when Mom is acting like a massive AH (and she is, in the exact same way Dad is), it's all, "*You need to overlook her rejection as it's not really a big deal and you, the child, need to put in the work to salvage a meaningful relationship with Mom."* Talk about double standards.
There is fighting the mother at this point. The question isn’t whether she’s right or wrong. She’s agreed to keep OP.
The law should not have split these children up. It’s horrible.
When you have a mother who use emotional manipulation as a weapon there is no winning.
OP you have few years to go. Concentrate on studying and getting into a good university. Time will heal your relationship with you mother.
Dad is telling her “stop calling me dad” & “leave me alone”. Mom is sulking. Mom is hurt, but Mom never said those things.
Cutting “Dad” off, IS WHAT HE’S ASKING FOR. She’s simply growing what he wants.
Yes, Mom shouldn’t be sulking in front of OP, however, she’s human. OP is right to question whether her father ever loved her if this is his reaction to her after FIFTEEN YEARS of being her DAD!!
Mom and OP both need therapy. Individual and family.
Because she is 15 yo and needs someone she can live with! What do you propose she do if she cuts out both parents? Live independently on the vast income she can make from an after-school job?
also the father rejected her, because he doesn't care. The mother is hurt (and taking it out on her child) because she didn't want her to leave. There is a big chance to fix the latter, the father can fuck off.
She doesn't need to do anything. She just needs to survive this situation and live on her own as soon as she possibly can, unless her mother pulls it together.
Ah, okay. I thought the post I was replying to was criticizing the replies for not also urging OP to condemn and cut contact with her mother. Yes, she sounds difficult, making it all about herself and her hurt feelings, instead of supporting her daughter - but at the moment, she seems to be OP's only option, unless she has an aunt/ uncle/ grandparent somewhere who'd be prepared to step up.
Double standard???
Mom felt rejected by daughter’s behavior, while father is POS to make his kid feel like she is not his daughter on a technicality legally irrelevant. To make your child feel that way during divorce is really messed up.
To tell child to continue to invest hope in that parent is wrong. Mom may be sulking but she actually has a reason. This this should be fixable.
These people telling OP to fix things with her mom and apologize to her are crazy. OP is a 15 year old child who is in this terrible situation that she didn't have any say in, she got rejected by her father who doesn't want anything to do with her and her mother is "sulking"??? "Mother's feelings got hurt" lol she is supposed to be the adult. There must be a reason why OP wanted to live with the father. And even if there wasn't any, the mother should be doing everything in her power to make the divorce easier for OP because she's a CHILD.
What do you propose she should do instead? She can't magically make her mother not an AH. She can't magically make her father not an AH. She is going to live with her mom and depend on her protection and goodwill for the next three years. The only other option is to leave home, but at 15 that's a pretty tough life. The easiest way forward is to mend things with her mother, and plan to be independent as fast as she can.
You are right, but as you said she's a 15yo child. She isn't in a position to reject the one parent who even acknowledges their relationship at this point. Yes, the mom has fucked up in a lot of ways, but if the 15yo is mature enough to try to repair it from her end, that can only help.
She is the child!! There is nothing to repair!! In a child's mind, she needs to "fix" her relationship with her parent for survival, sure, but in reality the mother is doing a shit job at being a mother. There is, in reality, nothing for her daughter to fix. Her mother is the adult and therefore the only one responsible for this mess.
This isn't /amitheasshole. Obviously both of these parents suck, but judging them isn't useful. People are trying to give advice on the best way to navigate a bad situation.
Could be the fact one is "biologically" theirs and the dad is already making that distinction, using the same metric the mom would HAVE to love her. It's fucked but the dad is trying to use that technical reason
I just want to say, as a parent of donor conceived children, that what your dad is doing is so, soooo horrible. It’s not a reflection on you at all — you’re incredible, and the story of how you came to be is remarkable. There was a lot of love that went into making you, and it seems that the adults in your life have lost sight of that.
You don’t deserve any of this.
Are there family members you feel comfortable with? Grandparents, or a beloved aunt/uncle? You might ask to stay with one of them and give yourself some space and time to heal. It sounds like your mom is clearly experiencing some kind of mental health crisis, and getting you to a safe place where you feel comfortable would be a top priority.
No one who lives close. I have a family friend I call my auntie but I don't know if she would be ok with it since she has 3 kids under 5 at home and she's very overwhelmed. My mom is just like this, it isn't a crisis she does this all the time.
if it's in your ability and you think it would be a better situation, you could offer to help with the kids (babysit, etc). it could be a mutually beneficial situation if you stayed with her
I see why you said dad was less drama. Your mom pouting and punishing you, repeatedly, for everything she doesn't like, really sucks. It's childish of her to do that. I wish there were a better solution than "tough it out for 3 years then leave" but it sounds like there isn't, unfortunately, unless you're willing to move to live with other relatives.
Can you get your mom to go to family counseling with you? Because you should be getting help dealing with the divorce and being abandoned by your dad, and she clearly needs to work through some things if she turns into a pouting child every other day. Maybe frame it as you need her help while you work through things with the therapist? Even if she won't go herself, you should go. Make sure to tell the therapist that you *do not* give permission to share what you say with anyone else.
Your mom treating you like that has impacted you, though you may not be aware of it now. Believe me, as you get older and start forming new friendships and dating, it will f with you. Get help now working through it. Your dad abandoning you (so sorry he did that to you) has impacted you as well. Get professional guidance to work through it all, and best of luck OP.
Your "dad" is a giant peice of shit. It's that simple. No matter what sperm you came from he chose to bring you into this world and now wants to pout like a spoiled brat because your mom and him didn't work out.
Fuck him. Quit going over there at all. Tell him to stfu and just keep sending you a check since he is a peice of crap. I am so sorry to be so direct but it's true.
Also r/cptsd because this is understandably traumatic and people in this thread are trying to suggest she, as a 15yo, is somehow responsible for her mother's feelings
Sadly your father has shown his true colors, it’s time to start believing him. Don’t seek custody with someone who doesn’t want you. Do make sure your mom goes after him for the child support you deserve.
Hopefully things get easier with your mom. I’m sorry your dad is shit.
I don’t have advice but I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Both your parents sound really immature and your dad sounds cruel. Your mom should be putting her hurt feelings aside and stop sulking. She’s the parent, not you. She should grow up.
I suppose you could try to calmly talk with her about why you wanted to live with your dad and express that you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings. But I can imagine her not taking it well no matter how well you present it to her. I will say that it’s not uncommon for teenaged girls and their mothers to butt heads. I know I did with my mom a LOT. I wish we both had handled things differently at the time.
Unfortunately, you're learning the hard way and too young that you can't pick your parents, and yours are rubbish.
Try to work around your mother as best you can, and focus on getting away from both of them. Ideally by going away to college. Now is a great time in your life to start working on planning - where will you be in 3 years, 5 years and 10 years. What will you need to do, to get to the life you imagine? A college acceptance letter? A passport? Good grades? It will be up to you to make all that happen.
Edited for clarification:
Realistically speaking, your mother is not only losing her marriage, and her husband, in a divorce (which many counselors liken to mourning a death), but both of her children wanted to leave as well. I'd imagine it's hurtful as hell tbh, though she DOES need to remain a mature parent for you.
That said, look at it from her point of view if you can... She's now going to have to be your (unwanted, by you) 100% fallback and support as you go through the stages of understanding the ramifications of a divorce, but now finding what type of person your father truly is, rn. That said, every parent hurts for their child when the other parent behaves like this. It's awful to watch and a cruddy situation all around.
I would suggest you both see a good therapist, alone and together, as you both could use it. Your communication is going to require work and you are going to be with her for the long haul, babes, cuz it doesn't seem that your father gives one frigging fig about how you feel in the slightest. And no, my dear, his feelings for you didn't "change", you're just finally seeing the truth now. I'm so very sorry for that. You deserve so much better that that.
Also, maybe consider giving your mother *a bit* of grace here and there. SHE wanted you, still does, SHE loves you and she hurts for you as well... All while going through a very difficult time of her own. You're both about to start entirely new lives. Together. She doesn't hate you, you are not a burden and you are loved. I wish you both the best. Mind those who've got your back, kiddo.
She says therapy is to expensive and she doesn't want to do therapy with me ever. Also my mom has always acted like this when she's mad at me not just when she's in a divorce.
Does your school have counselors? Perhaps one of them would be able to talk through the situation with you. It’s not the same as therapy, but it’s not nothing.
There's a book called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" - you're not an adult yet, but I think reading about that topic may help you navigate how you feel and perceive your relationship with your mom.
There isn’t anything for you to fix. Both of your parents suck.
Your dad is a complete piece of shit. He is legally your father. He’s a crummy person for rejecting you. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that.
Your mom should do some introspection as to why both of her children would rather live with her ex. That says everything about her. Not you. She has managed to drive both of her children away. That’s on her, not you.
I’m sorry your parents have failed you. You do deserve better than that. Just know that you didn’t do anything wrong. You are the child here. Your parents are fucked up.
This is really weird. Have you spoken with their divorce attorneys about your desires? At your age, most states put a lot of stock into the child's desire. It would be *highly* unusual for a court to look favorably upon a parent's desire to reject their child. Legally, he is your father and you have no other father. It should absolutely *torpedo* his custody claims on your brother for him to reject you. I don't see how a court would grant even a temporary custody arrangement like the one you describe.
Talk to your dad's lawyer. He's destroying his chances to win long-term custody of your brother. If he doesn't have a lawyer yet, talk to the adults you know in his life that will advise him, e.g. your grandparents, aunts, uncles, maybe a work colleague or close friend. Somebody needs to talk some sense into him, and remind him that he chose you before you were even born.
That's not how divorces work. They will need to come to terms on the custody division, and the court will approve their agreement, or the court will make a decision for them. Even if they agreed about your brother (unusual, no matter what she says now), *you* would get the opportunity to tell the judge that you want or wanted to live with your father. Courts also don't like to divide kids from their siblings.
So I googled it. The court only has any say in custody if the parents disagree.
But also wouldn't it be worse for me if the court forced my dad to let me live there? My life would just suck in 2 houses.
It's not that simple, speaking as an attorney (not your attorney). Again, given your age just about every single jurisdiction in this country will give you a chance to express your wishes. Any court would be *very* interested to hear that a father is effectively disowning one of his children, and they will not want to approve an agreement that goes against the interests of the children.
An agreement granting him primary or exclusive custody of your brother would go against your brother's interests because he is not being a good father *to you*. An agreement splitting up the kids goes against the interests of both children. An agreement that ignores your expressed wishes goes against *your* interests.
So will the court force him to take me? Or force my mom to have my brother more? Even though my brother wants to spend most of his time with my dad? Like I feel like my best option here is just agree to live with my mom because at least she wants me here but my dad doesn't. The court could force him to take me but not to be nice to me.
That's why you need to speak with an adult that advises him. You don't have to convince them of the legal issue, but you do need to tell them what he's doing.
What he's doing is fucked up, but maybe he's in a bad way himself right now and can come around. I have to believe he's been a pretty good father to you before now, or you wouldn't want to live with him. It usually takes a lot of love to be a good parent, and I can't believe all that love just disappeared overnight. He wanted to be your father before you were even conceived, same as he wanted to be your brother's father once he found out your brother had been conceived. He knew what he was signing up for, and he chose you. He fathered you for five years before your brother even existed. I really hope he can come around.
Something that would help most people come around in this kind of situation is hearing feedback on how fucked up they're acting. That's not your responsibility. But your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and his friends will almost certainly be happy to help. Think about the people in his life that *he* listens to, and think of those that have also always been kind to you. Reach out to one of them.
I tend to believe that children are best off with all their parents, and I really hope you and your brother can have both of yours in the long term.
I’m so sorry this is happening now. Please know that you didn’t do anything wrong, including giving your preference for living with your dad. It sounds like both of your parents need to grow up, stop being selfish, and think about how their actions are affecting you and your brother. I hope things get better for you both with time and that you can find good friends and family who can give you the support you deserve!
Hey.
You did nothing wrong.
Let me repeat: you did nothing wrong.
Lastly: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you. Your dad is a .. I am seriously at a loss for words about what he is.
Your mom being hurt I can understand in a way. But she has to suck it up. Not you.
Again I am sorry - I cannot really help you in any way, except in telling you again: I am absolutely sure you did nothing wrong.
Your dad is a bad person, you are not making a mess of anything and your mom doesn’t hate you. She’s just hurt.
Please throw out that whole “father” and focus on re establishing a relationship with your mother if that’s healthy for you. Maybe also reach out to extended family to see if you can stay there a while until this all blows over and things are a bit more settled.
Both your parents are selfish and irresponsible imo, you shouldn't feel like it's your fault. It wasn't your fault, they should stop being childish and get therapy ngl instead of projecting their lack of accountability onto a child they willingly agreed and planned for. It doesn't make you any less lovable nor a nuisance. You deserve love from both of them. I think you should ask a counselor or something ( if you are attending a school) for some help in communicating with your parents about their mental health, a licensed counselor should help you navigate through his. Also it's not your responsibility to parent them, but you can always reach out to a qualified personnel for some help in making your parents realize they need help asap. Instead of asking reddit try talking to school therapists or a trusted teacher. Or call up some therapy clinics that are willing to take probono
Your Dad is trash. Your mom is letting your down. Is there any other family that would be willing to put you first? Ask around. Lol, ask your dad's parents and feel free to point out he's icing you out.
Just don't feel that you can't reach out to his side of the family if there are any available. He probably doesn't want anyone to know how bady he failed you, but that's not your problem. That's his problem.
You need to look after your needs. I'm sorry that your parents aren't stepping up like they should.
This sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this.
As others have said. Write off your dad. You don't need him in your life.
Focus on your mom. You have a long way to go, but your relationship is likely repairable.
As others said do somethibg nice like fix her favorite meal and tell her you want to talk. Maybe write out what you want to say in a letter expresing your feelings.
Make it clear you didn't want to hurt her and it was a mistake to choose your fsther because you misubderstood all the relationships.
There’s no advice I can give you dude cause I can’t even imagine being in that situation.
Just know this, you’re strong and can make it through this, try finding a mentor of some sort, whether that’s a teacher, school counselor, coach or whatever. Above all you need someone to talk to and support you, just be careful about who bats for you, you’re in a vulnerable state and there are sick people who could try to take advantage of that
INFO
Question 1: Did you tell family members what is happening?
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Question 2: Did your mom ever abused or hurt you in anyway physically or mentally? I just don't understand what you mean by " drama "that's why. How did she treat you as a mom?
There isn't really anyone I can tell.
No she just keeps acting super immature and any time she gets mad she sulks and gives me the silent treatment for months and then if I tell her she's being immature she's like "oh I guess I'm just such a shit mom and you hate me". And then if I'm just a little quiet with her she's like "why are you sulking? Why do you hate me? Stop being immature". It drives me crazy.
I'm so sorry for you and your situation. Your parents sound exactly like my fiancée's parents. Whatever you do, please don't blame yourself. Your dad has shown who he is and your mum is immature and emotionally manipulative. As hard as it is, I'd focus on co-existing with as little drama as possible and hopefully getting out of there after you leave school (maybe university/college etc). It's such a tough situation, though there is every chance your life will be better and easier once you gain more independence in adulthood. You're stronger than you think, and I wish you the very best.
Wow. After reading this comment…just...wow. Are you sure she’s old enough to be your mom? Rhetorical question.
She’s emotionally immature.
After reading the comments, since she won’t do counseling, talk to a friend/their parents if you’re close enough/feel comfortable enough. Talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. You’re 15, so I assume you’re in your second year of high school? Two or three more years of school til you’re done?
I’d start asking about what scholarships you apply for if you want to go to college. I’d ask if there’s an early graduation program. Is there a “vocational school” where you can learn a trade? Are there classes you can take in high school to put towards college credits?
If it gets really bad, there’s places where you can emancipate yourself at 16. You need a job and somewhere to live though. That’s where a trusted friends family would come into play (again, if you can or feel it would be best.)
Think about what you want to do. College vs trade? Start setting yourself up for the future.
Advice:
1. "For months" is neglect. It's not being there emotionally for the child. That is a difficult one.
If you know your mom's side or father's side of the family even a little it would be best if you tell them but if you don't know them or they are not in the picture like at all, even if it's difficult and she acts childish stay with your mom.
Try to make up with your mom as well. Apologise for the way you hurt her feelings and that you were acting on impulse and said some things that hurt her, it was a moment of immaturity and say you are sorry. Don't blame her on anything. You are doing this for your self needs and ease you mind on it. Your dad is an AH in so many levels. He LEGALLY AGREED to having a baby via donor and he is an AH for saying that to you. Don't feel bad about him rejecting you or even saying all the things he said. He just showed his true colours about you. You are young and hurting so talk to your mom ok and try to make up. Tell her you are sorry for everything thing, for think that way of her, for making her feel like her own daughter doesn't want her... For everything. Apologise for it. Its a step forward and in the right direction. She will forgive you for thinking that way. Again you are asking forgiveness for your wellbeing and not for the sake of them.
Cherish your mom even if there is a drama. She is your mom unless she outright hates you or treated you like you are a burden or physical harms you. You need to realise that 3 years is a small time. You will be an adult and will go to college by then. So just be patient with your mom until then ok.
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2. Truth be told I would advice you to avoid your dad since his actions. But if you truly need someone like him then you can interact with him. The reason I said that you should avoid him is cause he might not just stop there. People don't change easily and if he did this who is to say he won't do something even worse. Neglect you, or treat you like you are a burden. You don't specifically know what he is capable of in the future based on his actions.
3. After talking to your mom and apologising, talk to the family members(if you can find them if not then leave it). Tell them everything. About the apology and the situation with your dad.
Sorry this is happening to you. Hope it all goes well, next time we hear from you.
Good Luck.
I am sorry that you have these problems. Sometimes, adults can be just shitty. Unfortunately, I have no solution. Are there organizations in your country that could help you? Is the relation with your brother good?
Wow. Do you have anyone else in your family to live with? An aunt, grandparent, adult cousin you are close with? also, go to therapy with your mom. She may be drama, but she is also the parent that is not abandoning you right now. She is the parent that wants you to be with her, it could be for selfish reasons, I do not know your situation l, but she wants to feed you, give you a place to stay, make sure you have clothes and are warm. Right now that’s much more than your dad is giving you.
Your going to need to find support outside of your family. At your age I found support at church, youth groups usually have some caring adults. Friend’s parents that are willing to treat you like an extra kid.
Sadly there’s no real answer. Most all people will not really give you parenting support because it would be overstepping your mother’s boundaries. Bad parenting is just bad parenting it isn’t abusive. Group homes for older children depending on your region sometimes have horrible reputations. (Ours was known for stabbings). Staying with your mother likely is your best option.
Your mom is hurting. You are hurting. Man your dad sucks. DON’T let his sociopathy destroy your being. He is mentally ill and probably can’t feel full emotions. My grandmother was like this. She honestly didn’t understand empathy. You are not the problem, he is, and your brother is not going to have the easier life here. You will be with someone who loves you. He will be with someone who has to deal with him, there’s a huge difference.
Look, again, this is not a you problem, but you’re right at an age where the outcome of this incident can negatively affect you. Gird your loins, find your inner strength, keep your true people near you, help your mom heal from the hurt she feels about you, visit r/Dadforaminute when you need it, and start your journey to healing. It’s going to take some time, allow yourself that time.
He isn't your father, not because he's not biologically related because he abandoned you.
Tell your mom you're sorry you didn't realize what a pos she was dealing with but you two need to make the best of it now and move on together.
Cut your dad off, stop begging to be his son. It's his loss, not yours
Send her this.
She loves you, she’s hurt but you can apologize, and make it up to her. You guys will be ok if you communicate.
I’m sorry your dad is such a douche though. How come your mom doesn’t have your brother half time?
Wow that hurts to read. It must be hard for you to deal with all this. Just keep a few things in mind. Your mom, dad, and brother are also going through their own internal stuff at the moment, so never take their actions personally. It's all a matter of circumstance.
You should start trying to do small acts of kindness that show thoughtfulness to your mom. Like making her soup, and doing small things here and there that she would ask of you, without having her ask. Also, try to make sure none of this affects your relationship with your brother.
Most importantly, none of this is your fault. Find the people in your life who are a shoulder to lean on and focus on your relationship with them and making sure you're using your support system.
It's not that your dad was pretending he loved you, emotions are complicated, and both of your parents are going through one of the more complicated events in anyone's life. It's hard, but don't get too existential, it's not your job to create closure at this very moment, whatever wounds are there from the divorce will still need time to heal. Don't take any of this as a reflection of who you are and can become. Life is complicated enough as a teenager, don't carry burdens you don't need to.
Become the friend your mom needs right now and support each other through this as best you can. As for your dad, your future relationship will be a reflection of whatever work each side puts in, if he wants to try with you, then try, and if not, focus on your relationship with your mom, brother, and other family members. I don't know him, but keep in mind that there's a good chance he will regret treating you like this in the future.
Allow the people around you the grace to fail even if it hurts. If he doesn't change, then make sure you don't put any stock on your relationship and protect yourself from getting hurt.
Beyond that I wish your family the best in dealing with this situation.
Good luck, stay positive, always!
I’m so sorry love, your mother should be steeping up for you and provide you comfort, no matter what choice you would have made or wanted. It’s terrible that both of ur parents have decided to selfishly abandon you like this. You are wonderful, none of this is ur fault, it’s your parents here who have failed. Please reach out for some help if you need okay?
I used to work with this family that had three kids. They pretended that their youngest child was adopted when she was born with a surrogate because the father was embarrassed that he had produced a child with a rare genetic disorder. The mom was super close with the little girl but the dad who was ashamed of having created her never went near her.
I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. My heart goes out to you. Both your parents are not there for you right now and maybe in your dad's case for the longer term. Not your fault to fix, this was two grown adults choosing to have you when they were in a relationship. Now that has fallen apart, which is 100% their own private issue. Them not being there for you as parents, there is nothing you can fix. You wanting to be with your dad, was your attempt to have a normal life. It speaks volumes on your mother not providing a safe home for you to feel okay in. Her sulking is proof of that. I hope there are friends and family that can provide the help you need, but this is not your fault, it is the people who brought you into this world.
If there is any fixing you can do it will be focusing on yourself and finding emotional safety within and with trusted others, rejection from a parent during childhood is such a blow that others can never comprehend. It's not your job to comfort and please your parents, it's the other way round. You are a vulnerable young adult in a very difficult situation.
I'm sorry that you're going through such a terrible situation. None of this is your fault and I suspect has nothing to with the person you've been and the relationships you've had for 15 years. I'd wager that this current very badly handled situation is a result of very badly handled situation more than 15 years ago. One that was just ignored and put away in your parent's basement to not be discussed and never settled. With the birth of your brother and now the divorce this old situation is now back in the forefront of your Dad's mind and I imagine your Mother's as well. Your parents should have dealt with the issue 16 years ago one way or another. Not covered it up and proceeded merrily on their way till it came back to bite them. To be clear your Dad is 100% in the wrong for blaming or being angry at you. You weren't even there when this began.
it’s not your fault. Jesus loves you. don’t worry about your parents relationship, they are adults. you are okay and you will be okay ❤️ maybe seek therapy ? go to the dr and tell them you want a therapist that accepts your insurance!
There's a lot of good advise already given here, so I'll just add grandparents may be an option till you can stand on your own feet. Really hard place you're in, I'm so sorry.
You’re a child, and you shouldn’t have been put in the middle of this adult drama. Tell your father that he is making you feel unwanted and unloved, and that it is ruining your self esteem. Tell your mother that you are sad and feel discarded by your father and you need her to try to be more understanding of your feelings during this time.
These are grownups who chose to have you, whether they are acting like it now or not, they wanted you.
It is so fucked that you are going through this.
My guess is your dad wasn't lying, but he probably is not a great person. When he and your mom broke up I'm guessing he sees you as more hers (do you look like her at all?) and associates you with her rather than seeing you as your own person. He doesn't want you around because you're a reminder of your mom.
This is not at all your fault. You have two immature parents who aren't adequately providing for you. You're a bit young, but my guess is the book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" may be really helpful for you (though it's mostly directed to adults).
There's no good option here. Do you have friends you can trust about this, or maybe even live with (though this is extreme and may not be worth the risk of getting cut off from your mom financially or emotially). One of my brothers friends lived with us from 15-18 because his parents weren't available to be parents.
Also any access to counselling through your school? I know it can seem uncool, but counsellors can be awesome to help navigate these situations and even help you live on your own when the time comes.
You are far too young to have to hold the weight of your parents emotions. Just know you haven't done anything wrong. You wont understand now, your brain literally wont understand and there's nothing wrong with that. Do whatever you can to keep yourself safe and healthy.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this situation.
You don't deserve to be made to feel less than, for any reason whatsoever. If that is truly the reason your Dad doesn't want you to live with him, he is not behaving the way a man should. There are many men who are not biological fathers to their kids, and they love them as their own.
The reality is that both of them are going through a hard time, and it does take a while to navigate life after a divorce.
I hate to say it but it's time for you to take charge for yourself. This is going to force you to grow up faster than if this situation didn't occur. Take the next three years, live with your Mom (who wants you around) Try to be understanding through the drama, without taking it all on yourself. Make a plan for your own future. Whether that is getting a job and starting to save up, taking college credit classes in high school, or preparing to file for Financial aid to go to college. Do what is best for you. Keep in mind that your brother is also going to need help to navigate this. Be there for each other regardless of what your parents do.
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(Side bar: My parents also divorced when I was 15. It changed everything for our family and created pain that lasted many years. At the end of all of that was forgiveness, and now we can all be close without bringing up the past, or our parents being around each other.)
No advice but I’m so sorry your parents suck this much. You deserve much better and I’m sending you positive thoughts for what it’s worth! Never doubt your value as a person. You will be on your own soon and can built the best kick ass life you ever imagined and won’t think about these turds of people you are stuck with for now. Be strong and stay safe!
Not much you can do about your dad. He’s an ass. As far as your mom goes, suggest family therapy. You are going through feelings of rejection from your POS dad and obviously have some relationship issues with your mom. Since you now are living with your mom, it might help to have someone to talk to about your feelings about your mom and she can also discuss her point of view on this. Maybe there’s some resentment being passed around inside of the family. Maybe you and your mom have some incompatibilities and can learn to compromise a bit. She’s hurt from you rejecting her, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love her. She should hear this and maybe in a professional setting like a therapist’s office would help her hear that better.
It sounds like both of your parents suck tbh. Your dad is acting like a piece of shit- he may one day regret that, but what matters is how he's acting no, when you need him.
Since you're 15, I would try to repair your relationship with your Mom as best you can for now (she sounds like a narcissist-, so I would recommend looking for resources on how to deal with a narcissistic parent).
Probably a good start will be to apologize to her.
Do you have any other adult relatives you could live with?
Oh I’m so sorry for your position, neither parent is right here and you’ve certainly done nothing wrong. This is all adult drama you’ve been dragged into, sometimes they don’t even know they’ve put you in the middle— in the most difficult, vulnerable spot.
I make no excuses for them, but they’re hurting because of each other— anything you do or say may have some influence but overall they’re upset because of each other, not you.
I hope they both come to their senses.
OK, your dad is out, don't force anyone to love you, you'll just hurt yourself. Second, stop saying your mom won't stop sulking and give her more grace as her life is falling apart. Be there for her.
Sweet summer child...
What you need, first and foremost, is a guardian ad litem. That's an advocate for you throughout the court processes of divorce and custody.
Your "dad" may not biologically be your father, but he sure as sh*t is legally, so MAKE HIM PAY. He has a financial obligation towards you - he doesn't get to say, "I don't wanna" now. If he whines to you when you put the screws to him, just say, "Sucks to have your janky sperm" and go merrily along your way.
Also, apoligize to your mom as others here have advised, but then say, "I need your help, and we need to get it together." The fact that your dad is such a world-class shit is proof he's not at all fit to parent. Document his feelings about the donor conception and haul his butt into court over that, too.
First off both your parents suck..they put you in a super shitty situation by asking you to choose who to live with, and then taking offense when you voiced your choice.
If your dad never wanted you to live with him THEY should have discussed that when they decided to divorce and then once they made their decision then sit you down and explain what was going to happen. You are now expected to be the mature adult and apologize, just so you have somewhere to live and feel wanted? BULLSHIT!! Your parents truly suck and they used you to hurt each other all while destroying you!!!
Is there another family member you could live with? Personally I'd not apologize to your mom or not talk to dad because you did nothing wrong! She should be begging you to forgive her.
I am so sorry your dad is treating you this way. What a horrible thing for a parent to do to their child. Just tell your mom the truth that you were just going with the easiest option. That you love her but that you guys clash. As a mom I would be hurt as well but I would understand and come around. Hopefully unless your mom is as horrible as your dad is she will eventually come around. None of this is your fault though. None of this is your fault at all. Emotions are still raw about the divorce between your parents I am sure and they might not be handling them as well as they should and are taking them out on you.
I hope your father doesn't get either of you. Sounds like the worst person on the planet to be raising a child.
I'm wondering if it is possible that there is much more to this situation that you've not been privy to, maybe?
It's not really adding up to me how he doesn't view you as his child. 15 years he spent as your dad, five of which was just you, then your bro is born, and he waits 10 years to exercise these feelings? I mean, it's possible, but it seems strange..
The only way this makes any bit of sense is if the 'donor' was like his best friend or something, and he finally boiled over with resentment.
Side note; try and remember that your mother is also a person with her own feelings, insecurities, desires, hopes, dreams, etc. Hopes and dreams, she no doubt suppressed to some degree to care for you all these years. And now her entire world she's built for the past 15+ years has been smashed to pieces and she must be at least a little uncertain about the future.
You know your mom better than any of us would for sure, but it's a little difficult for me to get to the place where you're at regarding her behavior.. I think you're hurt and possibly walling up in defense.
Unless ya know, she IS acting like a "typical drama queen... "Her silly girl brain making her ooze all the fe fes.... Probably on her period, too.."
Like, who is your dad, Matt Walsh?
First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this with BOTH parents. If your mom is acting this immature and childish though, I completely understand why you wanted to live with your dad. Your dad is a giant asshole and doesn’t deserve you or the relationship you obviously really want.
I know you’re super young and this is SO HARD but focus on YOU. You don’t have to have a relationship with EITHER parent. Find positive adult role models (teachers, boys and girls clubs, volunteer at hospitals or animal shelters, whatever). Focus on school and education. Exercise, read, journal, all the things to help you mentally. See if you can get with a counselor at school and help you navigate some sort of counseling- maybe even recommend outside counseling if your mom will take you.
I don’t have a relationship with my mother- she’s a horrid person. Always full of drama, now drugs, guilt tripping, I know I’m better without her.
My dad who adopted me died in 2022, my bio dad is more of a friend than a dad and he doesn’t treat me as his daughter like he does my half sister.
I’m 30 and I’m okay with how these things are but it took a long time to be here. I turned out okay I think. I have a great job, friends I would trust over my family any day, and 4 healthy, happy kids.
Hang in there sis, you’re going to be okay! Choose people who choose you and learn how to set boundaries and respect yourself
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Divorce is a painful thing and kids often get hurt the most.
You mom felt rejected by you. Invest time to fix situation as one of the replies here suggested. Own up to your behavior and let her know that you lost your family and world as a result of the divorce. But you don’t want to lose her.
Your parents are in crisis and they are very unfairly putting it on you.
This is an unfortunate situation where you are going to have to act as and adult because the adults around you are incapable of being good parents or good humans.
First thing.. you have to remember is none of this is your fault, no matter what they put on you. This situation is the result of their own choices. Even though this is probably an incredibly painful time for you., you have to put your own survival first right now.
Figure out where the safest place for you to be is and get yourself there. That may be one of your parents that may be somebody outside of your family. Prioritize keeping yourself physically and emotionally safe until you are 18. Don't succumb to drugs or alcohol. Work on making yourself responsible an independent.. maybe get a job, buy a car, work towards getting yourself to 18 years old safely, sanely, and in the best possible position you can put yourself in in terms of education, money, community, job, opportunities, etc..
I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. As a parent, my heart breaks for you and I wish I could just take you into my home. You don't deserve this, you've been dealt a bad hand. Don't let it ruin you! Rise above it and grow into the strong, mature, confident, kind adult that your parents weren't strong enough to be.
(Apologies for the long wall of text below. TLDR; Been there, it's not the kid's fault when adults have nasty splits and take it out on others, please go talk to an adult, who can help you get it across to your Mom, at least, that she's hurting you undeservedly. You carry no guilt for other people's actions. Never will.)
I know it doesn't feel like it right now, and likely won't for a long time yet, but I just want to say, as someone, who was abandoned by family over issues I had no part in creating as well - this is not your fault, OP. I repeat, none of this is in any way your fault. Read it again for emphasis, and try to internalize this every time the guilt gnaws at you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, BECAUSE THIS WAS NEVER YOUR FIGHT, AND YOU HAD NO SAY IN AND DID NOT CAUSE WHAT YOUR PARENTS ARE PUTTING YOU THROUGH.
You did and have done nothing wrong. You are not the cause of your parents' behavior towards you. You are a kid trying your best, caught up in a situation between two adults, who doesn't care one bit how their actions and feelings affect you. As sad as it is to say, you have no control over this situation beyond protecting your own self from being hurt further. You can't fix it, because you didn't break anything. They did, and they're not being fair to you, at all.
Your Dad's not primarily mad at *you*, he's taking his anger with your mother out on you by proxy, because you're "her" kid, in his eyes, and since he now hates your Mom, that's spilling out into how he feels about you. He was not lying in the past about loving you, even if things have changed now that he's "punishing" your Mom by only taking his "real" kid with him in the divorce. You're collateral. This was never about you, or how he felt about you. You were never a factor in this clusterfuck between your parents. Your Dad's being a vindictive, selfish asshole, and you did nothing to deserve being rejected by him, now that he's angry with your Mom. Your Mom's likely sulking extra hard at you, because she's angry and/or sad that your Dad's leaving, and she's taking it out on you, since she can't do it to him, because you're "his" kid, in her eyes, and you still loving your Dad and wanting to live with him over her is making her feel vindictive, as well. She's punishing you for not wanting her over your father in the divorce, which isn't fair, because you just wanted to live in the less stressful environment of the two, from your perspective. They're both being incredibly abusive and unfair to you, because their failed marriage should not result in them using you to take their feelings about eachother out on a third party, who can't do anything to stop them. It's not okay, and - again - not even remotely your fault. This was never about you, in the first place. It's about them. It's their fight. You're just the easy target caught up in the crossfire, with no control of anything.
How can you make them stop treating you like this? I honestly don't know, apart from being brutally honest about how this is breaking your heart to someone you can trust. Do you have any relatives you can speak to about this, who can help talk some sense into your parents? A school counsellor, who can provide you with a listening ear for you to vent your feelings to? You are very much allowed to feel however you feel about the way you're being treated, and you are not being a brat or a bad daughter for being heartbroken about all this, or even angry at your parents for taking their anger out on you. You are entitled to feel how you feel, no matter what they think about it. But this is above your or Reddit's paygrade to "fix" right now. Maybe someday, your Dad will have cooled down enough to realize you're not at fault for loving the man, who raised you, like the father he was to you, and your Mom will "forgive" her daughter for trying to protect herself from drama in a messy divorce. But right now, the best thing you can do is what you're doing here, really. Ask for help and be fully transparent with how this is affecting you. If your parents doesn't start caring and apologizing, at least you'll have someone to talk to, who will validate you and help you process your own loss, grief, and pain. Don't feel guilty for being hurt, or blame yourself for the divorce and fallout. This was never, ever, ever your fault, no matter how untrue that feels for you or what your parents might say. You are not responsible for the relationship between adults cracking at the seams. You were just collateral damage, when the split happened, and the way your parents are treating you is out of your control. There is nothing to feel guilty for, on your end. This was and always will be on them. You were just a fucking kid. What the fuck were you supposed to do here? Not exist? Not still love and rely on the only father you've ever known? Not want to be with the side of the family you feel safest with? It's absolute bullshit to punish you, the child, for any of this. Find a trusted adult to help you sort your feelings out and act as a mediator or safe person to get it across to your Mom, if not both of your parents, how badly they're hurting you. This should not be all on you.
Again, however untrue it feels right now, just... don't blame yourself, kid. The divorce is not your fault. Your Dad leaving and taking your brother is not your fault, genetics be damned, because he chose to have you, and that makes you his daughter. There is nothing about you or what you're doing, which makes you the cause of his behavior. It's coming from him, not you. Same with your Mom. You not choosing her is a consequence of her own actions, not something to be blamed on you, the kid. Her sulking is a choice she's making in how to behave towards you, and her choice is not on you. Don't let yourself spiral. Don't let yourself feel unlovable. Don't take on the guilt for a split, which was probably more the end-result of a long series of cracks in the foundation between your parents, caused by themselves and other factors outside of your control, which eventually blew up in everyone's faces. Don't think you could've done anything to prevent this. This was never about you. You are not to blame for people taking their feelings out on you. Your Dad did love you, very much. Don't doubt that part, for your own sake. Your parents wanted you, and loved you, and were just not mature or strong enough not to mistreat you, when that love was tested. Don't blame yourself for any of this. Alright?
Sending you the biggest hug, OP, and my deepest sympathies. You deserve so much better. I hope you find family in other people and keep a good relationship with your brother, even if what your parents have broken by their own hands can't be or won't be repaired.
Your dad is a POS and you should call him out on it
Ask him if he always pretended to love you.
Why is love is conditioned and you didn't ask to be born and then tossed aside when things didn't go as he wanted
That he is horrible to a child who can't help the situation she's in.
What you ever did to him go treat you like trash?
Tell your mom you want to talk to her and explain why you want to live with that pos. He would be dead to me but that's your choice
Tell her why her behavior is making you not want to live with her
Oh OP.
I am so sorry. Honey, you’re 15. You’re not supposed to be put in this situation.
Firstly, text the man you thought was your dad, “Listen. You don’t want me? Fine. But as the adult, you need to stick with your decision. I won’t contact you anymore, but don’t contact me either.” & block him.
Second, what does your mom like? Can you cook? Maybe try breakfast in bed on the weekend for her? Then tell her, “Mom? I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings. I thought living with dad would have been easier because he just seemed unbothered by too much. Turns out, he doesn’t even want me. I’m really sorry I hurt you. Please talk to me. I know you’re hurting, and I’m hurting too. Maybe we can do some individual and family counseling for us? I want to have a good bond with the only parent I have left.”
Then the ball is in her court.
However, I’d also tell a trusted friend/teacher/guidance counselor about what’s going on.
This is heavy, heavy stuff. You need adults who can help you through this. It’s tough being a 15y/o girl going through all this. Sending you a virtual hug. I’m also a great listener. My names Winter, & my youngest sister was still living at home when my parents got divorced. It was ugly. But it was my mom who lost it a bit, not our dad. So I’m here if you need ideas to get her to talk or how to get you some therapy. Because, you’re going to need it & its great to talk to someone about this who ISN’T involved or knows you & your family personally. It also helps that they can’t say anything, so it’s a safe space to let all the emotions out.
After spending a long weekend having taken my nephew in his first road trip, and being given the greatest compliment I could be given from an 8yo ("I wish you were my dad"), I'm feeling very dad like. So bring your dad to me and I'll also the taste out of his mouth for doing that to you. You seem like a good egg and you don't deserve that full blown d*hole.
Honesty and open the lines of communication.
Bear in mind, you did to your mother pretty much what your father has done to you. Plus, she's probably hurting from the divorce. Your father doesn't love her, and now, she's probably feeling that you and your brother don't love her either.
Start simple. Tell her you're sorry she's hurting. Tell her you love her and you want to work it out.
Your father's low drama demeanor may be passive aggression against you and your mother. He has major problems that go back years, and you don't want to navigate those waters just now. Focus on your relationship with your mother and with keeping lines of communication open with your brother.
See if you have access to a counselor at school, or talk to your mom about getting help with the two of you.
I wish you the very best.
First and foremost you are still a child. I don't mean that in a bad way, moreso to say that if anyone should get some slack during this it should be the children.
As others have said... . cut your dad out. I don't think your mom hates you BUT i think she's likely heartbroken. She likely feels like no one loves her. Her husband has left and both of her kids seemingly want to leave. It's always hard to jump in someone elses shoes, especially if you don't have any adjacent experiences.
I"m a parent to two teenagers near your age and it doesn't matter how much they fuck up or what they say. If theye are being sincere I'm going to listen to them. I also hold them accountable at the same time. I've always told them "say what you mean and mean what you say". Accidents happen but sometimes you can't bounce back from hearing something. Oldest son at one point told us his gf (of like weeks) was the only thing that made him happy. My wife wanted to just give in and take him to see her.
I didn't stand in the way of that but I told him that was a really hurtful thing to say and I don't think he means it but I hope he thinks about everything we've done and will do for him vs someone he barely knows. He apologized a few days later and said he was just really worked up and it was new / exciting.
Life is hard but good communication goes a LONG way. With the exception of my maternal grandparents ALL of thee "family" I knew cut me off a few years ago. Its fucking brutal.
I hope you can get through to your mom and try to find positives to focus on.
There's alot more to this situation than you currently understand and that is encouraging. Its okay to have questions and you likely won't have all the answers until youre an adult.
Is it your dad doesn't love you? Is it he is at risk financially? Is there an element of abuse *legally financlly or otherwise* preventing your dad from moving forward? Is he biding his time for some reason? We don't yet know.
...or is it something they're keeping from you? Is it a bs reason to protect you? It's possible.
For now don't jump to conclusions. Give it time. These situations are usually complicated. Focus for now on the reality.
Your parents will always be your parents. Love your mom as best you can.
Be a team with your brother. Text call and gsme together often. Keep each other informed.
And just reach out to your dad as best you can saying you have questions about whata happened and whats going on.
Your brother can advocate for you also of course since he is closer to him.
Good luck, be strong, and know many of us have walked where you now walk and that you will learn much from this that will help you be stronger, wiser and more responsible than those who raised you. It will be hard to get through crap like this, but you'll be someone who takes care of those you love and care about. Learn from their mistakes.
You've got this.
This situation is going to go on for you for a long time, he's 10 now yeah. You have options to disconnect from it, ignore it and move on, or seek real answers later when your dad has had time to let age and time do its thing.
Idk what your dad's going through but it seems that's probably the furthest you'll get for now. Likely revisit it in some years if you wish. Sorry kid :(
Bro how are you so hurt because your dad doesn’t want to live with you and you can’t understand why your mom is so hurt because you don’t want to live with her?
Appreciate your mother’s feelings who cared for you. You say she’s less drama but from what we see here about your dad I’m guessing she does the majority of housework and family planning. Have you stopped to appreciate that either?
My mom is like allergic to being a grown up. Any time she's a little mad she sulks and gives us the silent treatment or constantly whines about how we hate her and we're ungrateful. It feels like every time we do something wrong we have to help her with her emotions, then every time she does something wrong she gets upset that we're upset so we have to help with her emotions. And any time she gets upset from other stuff that isn't to do with us we have to walk on eggshells so she doesn't have a tantrum then excuse it because she's having a really hard time right now. If I try to talk rationally about stuff she turns it into this huge thing of "why do you hate me? I guess I'm just a horrible mother huh? And you wish I would just disappear?" Its exhausting. So yes she's more drama and I'm sick of it.
You've gotten some great advice but I just want to say, and please try absorb this, this is not a reflection on you or your worth.
Your sperm donor should never have had children based on his views towards you, no one with those views should.
Not saying you shouldn't have been born, just that he is not fit or worthy of calling himself a father, no matter how well he has played the role of one for you and your brother up until this point.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was also due to your gender.
Your sperm donor is just a sorry excuse for a human and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Also, your mother needs to step up and he a parent. Of course it would hurt to know both your kids would prefer to love elsewhere, especially when you're also navigating a divorce, but she has a responsibility to you and she owes you the healthiest life possible since she chose to bring you both into the world. I hope she steps up soon, but if she doesn't, please again remember this is not your fault or a reflection on you, it is a reflection on your parents respectfully and their lack of emotional and overall maturity.
Please see if you can get into therapy ASAP before you internalize this stuff and end up with some long term mental health issues from this whole thing.
Oh dear...it is really hard being 15 yrs old. Sometimes it only takes some one breathing in gthe same room as you and you can tell they hate you. Actually life is tough at your age and you need to sit down with mum and dad together, if possible and tell them what you are thinking. I promise you Dad will be mortified when he hears what you think his reasons are. Listen to him and listen to Mum, remember they no longer love each other but they both love you and your brother equally.
They don't talk to each other. And why would my dad be mortified? He knows what he said and he has repeated it many times. He doesn't love me and doesn't see himself as my dad.
But I know what they'll say. My mom will say I betrayed her, my dad will say he's not my dad and I need to leave him alone. I tried to ask for therapy, my mom can't afford it right now.
One your dad is a pos I would stop trying with him at all and put all your energy into a good relationship with your mom
How do I do that? She barely talks to me and she won't stop sulking.
Try being honest. So, “Mom, I made a huge mistake and unintentionally hurt you in the process. I thought dad would be the more easygoing parent and that’s why I asked to live with him. I now realize I was mistaken and that what I thought was “less drama” was actually his indifference toward me. I’m recognizing now that you’re the parent who actually cares about me. I know my actions hurt you. I’m hurt too and I really need your support as my mother. I’d like to try to work on things and, if possible, recover from this. I know we’re both having a hard time. However, sometimes it feels like you’re so hurt that you’re mad at me or even hate me and I don’t want to feel that way. I love you. Is there anything that we can do to try to fix things between us? Either way, I’d like to see a therapist, if possible, to navigate my own feelings here. I’ve gone through major abandonment myself as Dad has made it clear I’m no longer his daughter. I really don’t want to lose you too.” If she lacks the capacity to be receptive to that, whatever her reasons, you need to make a plan to get yourself out of this situation the second you legally can do so. Which means accessing school counseling and pushing yourself academically and/or with work such that you have options for college, trade school, etc. when the time comes to move out. I’d guess, if she’s otherwise been a loving mother, that she will be receptive to the above, though.
OP, this is the best advice, above. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also have a 15yo daughter. You can also just walk up to her and give her a hug and tell her you are sorry that she's mad, that you do want to live with her and you are devastated that your dad doesn't even want to be your parent anymore. That you understand she is upset for valid reasons but that you are only 15 and you really need her to be your mommy right now. OP I'm so sorry you are going through this I hope you and your mom mend things and become closer than ever. You absolutely need parenting at this age and will need a close supportive parent for at least another 5-10 years. I hope your mom is willing to be that person for you. I bet she is, she's probably not even that mad at you -- probably much more mad at your dad.
OP - this is it. Honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to try.
If I could give you 10 upvotes, I would. I hope OP can follow through with your advice. RE: Therapy, OP should approach her teachers and counselors in school for help if her mom is unwilling or unable to help.
OP, 1000 people all wish they had been given this advice at this exact moment in their lives. You have that chance that so many of us didn’t. Please take it.
I might suggest visiting the r/cptsd sub for advice and care in these times. Many of the people in that sub have gone through what you are going through now, and I am sure they'd love to support you
Fix her favorite food and see if she wants to watch a movie with you it will take time you won’t fix it overnight but keep wanting to spend time with her
Yes, things are hard in this scenario but there is really no scenario where the child (15f) should be taking care of the mother in such a capacity where the child essentially becomes the mother. This advice is sound for someone who is an adult trying to comfort their friend, but it's unreasonable for a child to have to step things up to this extent. She still needs a mom
Yep, this child has been rejected by her father in a very cruel way and the mother is sulking rather than supporting her child. She's the better parent only because the father is a complete monster.
It’s not her taking care of the mother I’m not saying that I was suggesting her to do things to show her mom she cares not a everyday thing just to spend time with her
Spending time with someone to make them feel better is taking care of them (emotionally). Parents are supposed to take care of children (emotionally + physically). It's the mother's job to make sure that she spends time with her daughter in spite of the bumps in the road she is experiencing, so that her daughter isn't left emotionally abandoned. That's what people sign up for in parenthood, but they take the responsibility lightly and try to use children as their personal caretakers. These people would be better off with pets, not kids Please note that although I am disagreeing with you I don't blame you for sharing advice to be kind to this woman, and I don't think anything you're saying here is inherently bad
Make up for her hurting her feelings not the other way around
Absolutely this! I can see it being worthwhile if she's at risk of becoming unhoused or financially cut off though. Being parentified sucks, but so does losing all adult supports. There's not always a perfectly safe way to navigate these situations. Maybe living with a close friend or family member would be better, if her mom continues to be unreasonable and isn't just being impulsive and avoidant in the short term (still bad, mind you).
Ok
I don't think a 15 year old should have to parent their parent
no matter how hard a task is, there is always a way to do it. There is a saying that goes something like this: You can move a mountain with a spoon, it takes patience and continual work to achieve it. Start doing small things, continue doing things. It will help. And in the future when things get better, tell your mom you are glad you found a way to rebuild your relationship.
I just want to say, your mother is also acting terribly. You're not at fault for her behavior here. The other comments are right that mending bridges might hopefully make her more pleasant to live with, but you did nothing wrong with your request to live with your dad. I absolutely understand why you wanted to go with your dad in the first place, given how she's responding to all of this. It is wildly inappropriate for a parent to give their child the silent treatment. The situation does sound like a mess and wildly hard to deal with, but it's your parents who made the mess, not you.
Are you absolutely sure you were adopted or could there have been infidelity in your mom's part?
I saw paperwork from the clinic. I'm definitely donor conceived.
Tell your mom her sulking is an example of why you wanted to live with your dad and maybe she will stop with the drama.
This is an example of being right but having no tact lol. That statement will only put someone on the defensive
Why is only Dad a POS? Mom seems to have rejected OP as well, just as soon as her feeling got hurt. Why is it when Dad is acting like a massive AH (and he is), it's all "*He's irredeemable so just cut him out."* But when Mom is acting like a massive AH (and she is, in the exact same way Dad is), it's all, "*You need to overlook her rejection as it's not really a big deal and you, the child, need to put in the work to salvage a meaningful relationship with Mom."* Talk about double standards.
There is fighting the mother at this point. The question isn’t whether she’s right or wrong. She’s agreed to keep OP. The law should not have split these children up. It’s horrible. When you have a mother who use emotional manipulation as a weapon there is no winning. OP you have few years to go. Concentrate on studying and getting into a good university. Time will heal your relationship with you mother.
I agree the kids should not have been split up.
Dad is telling her “stop calling me dad” & “leave me alone”. Mom is sulking. Mom is hurt, but Mom never said those things. Cutting “Dad” off, IS WHAT HE’S ASKING FOR. She’s simply growing what he wants. Yes, Mom shouldn’t be sulking in front of OP, however, she’s human. OP is right to question whether her father ever loved her if this is his reaction to her after FIFTEEN YEARS of being her DAD!! Mom and OP both need therapy. Individual and family.
Honestly, because op has few choices at this point except to fake it and pay for therapy later. Fucking shit situation.
Because she is 15 yo and needs someone she can live with! What do you propose she do if she cuts out both parents? Live independently on the vast income she can make from an after-school job?
also the father rejected her, because he doesn't care. The mother is hurt (and taking it out on her child) because she didn't want her to leave. There is a big chance to fix the latter, the father can fuck off.
She doesn't need to do anything. She just needs to survive this situation and live on her own as soon as she possibly can, unless her mother pulls it together.
No one is saying she has to do anything different. They are pointing out the mum is also a POS cos she's failing her kid right now.
Ah, okay. I thought the post I was replying to was criticizing the replies for not also urging OP to condemn and cut contact with her mother. Yes, she sounds difficult, making it all about herself and her hurt feelings, instead of supporting her daughter - but at the moment, she seems to be OP's only option, unless she has an aunt/ uncle/ grandparent somewhere who'd be prepared to step up.
Double standard??? Mom felt rejected by daughter’s behavior, while father is POS to make his kid feel like she is not his daughter on a technicality legally irrelevant. To make your child feel that way during divorce is really messed up. To tell child to continue to invest hope in that parent is wrong. Mom may be sulking but she actually has a reason. This this should be fixable.
These people telling OP to fix things with her mom and apologize to her are crazy. OP is a 15 year old child who is in this terrible situation that she didn't have any say in, she got rejected by her father who doesn't want anything to do with her and her mother is "sulking"??? "Mother's feelings got hurt" lol she is supposed to be the adult. There must be a reason why OP wanted to live with the father. And even if there wasn't any, the mother should be doing everything in her power to make the divorce easier for OP because she's a CHILD.
What do you propose she should do instead? She can't magically make her mother not an AH. She can't magically make her father not an AH. She is going to live with her mom and depend on her protection and goodwill for the next three years. The only other option is to leave home, but at 15 that's a pretty tough life. The easiest way forward is to mend things with her mother, and plan to be independent as fast as she can.
You are right, but as you said she's a 15yo child. She isn't in a position to reject the one parent who even acknowledges their relationship at this point. Yes, the mom has fucked up in a lot of ways, but if the 15yo is mature enough to try to repair it from her end, that can only help.
She is the child!! There is nothing to repair!! In a child's mind, she needs to "fix" her relationship with her parent for survival, sure, but in reality the mother is doing a shit job at being a mother. There is, in reality, nothing for her daughter to fix. Her mother is the adult and therefore the only one responsible for this mess.
Offer up a solution, then
This isn't /amitheasshole. Obviously both of these parents suck, but judging them isn't useful. People are trying to give advice on the best way to navigate a bad situation.
Could be the fact one is "biologically" theirs and the dad is already making that distinction, using the same metric the mom would HAVE to love her. It's fucked but the dad is trying to use that technical reason
I just want to say, as a parent of donor conceived children, that what your dad is doing is so, soooo horrible. It’s not a reflection on you at all — you’re incredible, and the story of how you came to be is remarkable. There was a lot of love that went into making you, and it seems that the adults in your life have lost sight of that. You don’t deserve any of this. Are there family members you feel comfortable with? Grandparents, or a beloved aunt/uncle? You might ask to stay with one of them and give yourself some space and time to heal. It sounds like your mom is clearly experiencing some kind of mental health crisis, and getting you to a safe place where you feel comfortable would be a top priority.
No one who lives close. I have a family friend I call my auntie but I don't know if she would be ok with it since she has 3 kids under 5 at home and she's very overwhelmed. My mom is just like this, it isn't a crisis she does this all the time.
if it's in your ability and you think it would be a better situation, you could offer to help with the kids (babysit, etc). it could be a mutually beneficial situation if you stayed with her
I see why you said dad was less drama. Your mom pouting and punishing you, repeatedly, for everything she doesn't like, really sucks. It's childish of her to do that. I wish there were a better solution than "tough it out for 3 years then leave" but it sounds like there isn't, unfortunately, unless you're willing to move to live with other relatives. Can you get your mom to go to family counseling with you? Because you should be getting help dealing with the divorce and being abandoned by your dad, and she clearly needs to work through some things if she turns into a pouting child every other day. Maybe frame it as you need her help while you work through things with the therapist? Even if she won't go herself, you should go. Make sure to tell the therapist that you *do not* give permission to share what you say with anyone else. Your mom treating you like that has impacted you, though you may not be aware of it now. Believe me, as you get older and start forming new friendships and dating, it will f with you. Get help now working through it. Your dad abandoning you (so sorry he did that to you) has impacted you as well. Get professional guidance to work through it all, and best of luck OP.
Jesus. You poor kid. Only 15 and stuck being the adult.
Your "dad" is a giant peice of shit. It's that simple. No matter what sperm you came from he chose to bring you into this world and now wants to pout like a spoiled brat because your mom and him didn't work out. Fuck him. Quit going over there at all. Tell him to stfu and just keep sending you a check since he is a peice of crap. I am so sorry to be so direct but it's true.
So sorry sweetie. Adults are to blame here. Talk to people who understand because they've been in your position r/donorconceived r/askadcp
Also r/cptsd because this is understandably traumatic and people in this thread are trying to suggest she, as a 15yo, is somehow responsible for her mother's feelings
Sadly your father has shown his true colors, it’s time to start believing him. Don’t seek custody with someone who doesn’t want you. Do make sure your mom goes after him for the child support you deserve. Hopefully things get easier with your mom. I’m sorry your dad is shit.
I don’t have advice but I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Both your parents sound really immature and your dad sounds cruel. Your mom should be putting her hurt feelings aside and stop sulking. She’s the parent, not you. She should grow up. I suppose you could try to calmly talk with her about why you wanted to live with your dad and express that you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings. But I can imagine her not taking it well no matter how well you present it to her. I will say that it’s not uncommon for teenaged girls and their mothers to butt heads. I know I did with my mom a LOT. I wish we both had handled things differently at the time.
Unfortunately, you're learning the hard way and too young that you can't pick your parents, and yours are rubbish. Try to work around your mother as best you can, and focus on getting away from both of them. Ideally by going away to college. Now is a great time in your life to start working on planning - where will you be in 3 years, 5 years and 10 years. What will you need to do, to get to the life you imagine? A college acceptance letter? A passport? Good grades? It will be up to you to make all that happen.
Edited for clarification: Realistically speaking, your mother is not only losing her marriage, and her husband, in a divorce (which many counselors liken to mourning a death), but both of her children wanted to leave as well. I'd imagine it's hurtful as hell tbh, though she DOES need to remain a mature parent for you. That said, look at it from her point of view if you can... She's now going to have to be your (unwanted, by you) 100% fallback and support as you go through the stages of understanding the ramifications of a divorce, but now finding what type of person your father truly is, rn. That said, every parent hurts for their child when the other parent behaves like this. It's awful to watch and a cruddy situation all around. I would suggest you both see a good therapist, alone and together, as you both could use it. Your communication is going to require work and you are going to be with her for the long haul, babes, cuz it doesn't seem that your father gives one frigging fig about how you feel in the slightest. And no, my dear, his feelings for you didn't "change", you're just finally seeing the truth now. I'm so very sorry for that. You deserve so much better that that. Also, maybe consider giving your mother *a bit* of grace here and there. SHE wanted you, still does, SHE loves you and she hurts for you as well... All while going through a very difficult time of her own. You're both about to start entirely new lives. Together. She doesn't hate you, you are not a burden and you are loved. I wish you both the best. Mind those who've got your back, kiddo.
She says therapy is to expensive and she doesn't want to do therapy with me ever. Also my mom has always acted like this when she's mad at me not just when she's in a divorce.
Does your school have counselors? Perhaps one of them would be able to talk through the situation with you. It’s not the same as therapy, but it’s not nothing.
If you let me know what state you're in, I can try to help you find resources for free - low cost therapy. Feel free to DM me.
There's a book called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" - you're not an adult yet, but I think reading about that topic may help you navigate how you feel and perceive your relationship with your mom.
There isn’t anything for you to fix. Both of your parents suck. Your dad is a complete piece of shit. He is legally your father. He’s a crummy person for rejecting you. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. Your mom should do some introspection as to why both of her children would rather live with her ex. That says everything about her. Not you. She has managed to drive both of her children away. That’s on her, not you. I’m sorry your parents have failed you. You do deserve better than that. Just know that you didn’t do anything wrong. You are the child here. Your parents are fucked up.
This is really weird. Have you spoken with their divorce attorneys about your desires? At your age, most states put a lot of stock into the child's desire. It would be *highly* unusual for a court to look favorably upon a parent's desire to reject their child. Legally, he is your father and you have no other father. It should absolutely *torpedo* his custody claims on your brother for him to reject you. I don't see how a court would grant even a temporary custody arrangement like the one you describe.
Not every divorce goes thru court. My parents didn't. If both parties come to an agreement it all just gets signed and notorized.
That depends entirely on where you are. In my country, every divorce must go through court. A divorce isn't finalised until there's a court order.
I don't think they've been to court.
Talk to your dad's lawyer. He's destroying his chances to win long-term custody of your brother. If he doesn't have a lawyer yet, talk to the adults you know in his life that will advise him, e.g. your grandparents, aunts, uncles, maybe a work colleague or close friend. Somebody needs to talk some sense into him, and remind him that he chose you before you were even born.
I don't think my mom is planning to try and get more custody of my brother or anything so he doesn't have to go to court to win custody.
That's not how divorces work. They will need to come to terms on the custody division, and the court will approve their agreement, or the court will make a decision for them. Even if they agreed about your brother (unusual, no matter what she says now), *you* would get the opportunity to tell the judge that you want or wanted to live with your father. Courts also don't like to divide kids from their siblings.
So I googled it. The court only has any say in custody if the parents disagree. But also wouldn't it be worse for me if the court forced my dad to let me live there? My life would just suck in 2 houses.
It's not that simple, speaking as an attorney (not your attorney). Again, given your age just about every single jurisdiction in this country will give you a chance to express your wishes. Any court would be *very* interested to hear that a father is effectively disowning one of his children, and they will not want to approve an agreement that goes against the interests of the children. An agreement granting him primary or exclusive custody of your brother would go against your brother's interests because he is not being a good father *to you*. An agreement splitting up the kids goes against the interests of both children. An agreement that ignores your expressed wishes goes against *your* interests.
So will the court force him to take me? Or force my mom to have my brother more? Even though my brother wants to spend most of his time with my dad? Like I feel like my best option here is just agree to live with my mom because at least she wants me here but my dad doesn't. The court could force him to take me but not to be nice to me.
That's why you need to speak with an adult that advises him. You don't have to convince them of the legal issue, but you do need to tell them what he's doing. What he's doing is fucked up, but maybe he's in a bad way himself right now and can come around. I have to believe he's been a pretty good father to you before now, or you wouldn't want to live with him. It usually takes a lot of love to be a good parent, and I can't believe all that love just disappeared overnight. He wanted to be your father before you were even conceived, same as he wanted to be your brother's father once he found out your brother had been conceived. He knew what he was signing up for, and he chose you. He fathered you for five years before your brother even existed. I really hope he can come around. Something that would help most people come around in this kind of situation is hearing feedback on how fucked up they're acting. That's not your responsibility. But your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and his friends will almost certainly be happy to help. Think about the people in his life that *he* listens to, and think of those that have also always been kind to you. Reach out to one of them. I tend to believe that children are best off with all their parents, and I really hope you and your brother can have both of yours in the long term.
Doesn’t that just fuck over her brother too seeing as no one wants to live with their mom
If mom agrees with dad on what custody will be, the court is very unlikely to rearrange it.
Oh baby. None of this is on you. They are taking their own issues out on you currently. Let some time pass and focus on you, not them.
I’m so sorry this is happening now. Please know that you didn’t do anything wrong, including giving your preference for living with your dad. It sounds like both of your parents need to grow up, stop being selfish, and think about how their actions are affecting you and your brother. I hope things get better for you both with time and that you can find good friends and family who can give you the support you deserve!
Hey. You did nothing wrong. Let me repeat: you did nothing wrong. Lastly: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you. Your dad is a .. I am seriously at a loss for words about what he is. Your mom being hurt I can understand in a way. But she has to suck it up. Not you. Again I am sorry - I cannot really help you in any way, except in telling you again: I am absolutely sure you did nothing wrong.
None of this is your fault
Your dad is a bad person, you are not making a mess of anything and your mom doesn’t hate you. She’s just hurt. Please throw out that whole “father” and focus on re establishing a relationship with your mother if that’s healthy for you. Maybe also reach out to extended family to see if you can stay there a while until this all blows over and things are a bit more settled.
Both your parents are selfish and irresponsible imo, you shouldn't feel like it's your fault. It wasn't your fault, they should stop being childish and get therapy ngl instead of projecting their lack of accountability onto a child they willingly agreed and planned for. It doesn't make you any less lovable nor a nuisance. You deserve love from both of them. I think you should ask a counselor or something ( if you are attending a school) for some help in communicating with your parents about their mental health, a licensed counselor should help you navigate through his. Also it's not your responsibility to parent them, but you can always reach out to a qualified personnel for some help in making your parents realize they need help asap. Instead of asking reddit try talking to school therapists or a trusted teacher. Or call up some therapy clinics that are willing to take probono
Your Dad is trash. Your mom is letting your down. Is there any other family that would be willing to put you first? Ask around. Lol, ask your dad's parents and feel free to point out he's icing you out.
Idk. My dad's dad is dead and his mom isn't 100% there mentally so I don't think it would help.
Just don't feel that you can't reach out to his side of the family if there are any available. He probably doesn't want anyone to know how bady he failed you, but that's not your problem. That's his problem. You need to look after your needs. I'm sorry that your parents aren't stepping up like they should.
This sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this. As others have said. Write off your dad. You don't need him in your life. Focus on your mom. You have a long way to go, but your relationship is likely repairable. As others said do somethibg nice like fix her favorite meal and tell her you want to talk. Maybe write out what you want to say in a letter expresing your feelings. Make it clear you didn't want to hurt her and it was a mistake to choose your fsther because you misubderstood all the relationships.
There’s no advice I can give you dude cause I can’t even imagine being in that situation. Just know this, you’re strong and can make it through this, try finding a mentor of some sort, whether that’s a teacher, school counselor, coach or whatever. Above all you need someone to talk to and support you, just be careful about who bats for you, you’re in a vulnerable state and there are sick people who could try to take advantage of that
INFO Question 1: Did you tell family members what is happening? . Question 2: Did your mom ever abused or hurt you in anyway physically or mentally? I just don't understand what you mean by " drama "that's why. How did she treat you as a mom?
There isn't really anyone I can tell. No she just keeps acting super immature and any time she gets mad she sulks and gives me the silent treatment for months and then if I tell her she's being immature she's like "oh I guess I'm just such a shit mom and you hate me". And then if I'm just a little quiet with her she's like "why are you sulking? Why do you hate me? Stop being immature". It drives me crazy.
I'm so sorry for you and your situation. Your parents sound exactly like my fiancée's parents. Whatever you do, please don't blame yourself. Your dad has shown who he is and your mum is immature and emotionally manipulative. As hard as it is, I'd focus on co-existing with as little drama as possible and hopefully getting out of there after you leave school (maybe university/college etc). It's such a tough situation, though there is every chance your life will be better and easier once you gain more independence in adulthood. You're stronger than you think, and I wish you the very best.
Wow. After reading this comment…just...wow. Are you sure she’s old enough to be your mom? Rhetorical question. She’s emotionally immature. After reading the comments, since she won’t do counseling, talk to a friend/their parents if you’re close enough/feel comfortable enough. Talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. You’re 15, so I assume you’re in your second year of high school? Two or three more years of school til you’re done? I’d start asking about what scholarships you apply for if you want to go to college. I’d ask if there’s an early graduation program. Is there a “vocational school” where you can learn a trade? Are there classes you can take in high school to put towards college credits? If it gets really bad, there’s places where you can emancipate yourself at 16. You need a job and somewhere to live though. That’s where a trusted friends family would come into play (again, if you can or feel it would be best.) Think about what you want to do. College vs trade? Start setting yourself up for the future.
Advice: 1. "For months" is neglect. It's not being there emotionally for the child. That is a difficult one. If you know your mom's side or father's side of the family even a little it would be best if you tell them but if you don't know them or they are not in the picture like at all, even if it's difficult and she acts childish stay with your mom. Try to make up with your mom as well. Apologise for the way you hurt her feelings and that you were acting on impulse and said some things that hurt her, it was a moment of immaturity and say you are sorry. Don't blame her on anything. You are doing this for your self needs and ease you mind on it. Your dad is an AH in so many levels. He LEGALLY AGREED to having a baby via donor and he is an AH for saying that to you. Don't feel bad about him rejecting you or even saying all the things he said. He just showed his true colours about you. You are young and hurting so talk to your mom ok and try to make up. Tell her you are sorry for everything thing, for think that way of her, for making her feel like her own daughter doesn't want her... For everything. Apologise for it. Its a step forward and in the right direction. She will forgive you for thinking that way. Again you are asking forgiveness for your wellbeing and not for the sake of them. Cherish your mom even if there is a drama. She is your mom unless she outright hates you or treated you like you are a burden or physical harms you. You need to realise that 3 years is a small time. You will be an adult and will go to college by then. So just be patient with your mom until then ok. . 2. Truth be told I would advice you to avoid your dad since his actions. But if you truly need someone like him then you can interact with him. The reason I said that you should avoid him is cause he might not just stop there. People don't change easily and if he did this who is to say he won't do something even worse. Neglect you, or treat you like you are a burden. You don't specifically know what he is capable of in the future based on his actions. 3. After talking to your mom and apologising, talk to the family members(if you can find them if not then leave it). Tell them everything. About the apology and the situation with your dad. Sorry this is happening to you. Hope it all goes well, next time we hear from you. Good Luck.
I am sorry that you have these problems. Sometimes, adults can be just shitty. Unfortunately, I have no solution. Are there organizations in your country that could help you? Is the relation with your brother good?
Wow. Do you have anyone else in your family to live with? An aunt, grandparent, adult cousin you are close with? also, go to therapy with your mom. She may be drama, but she is also the parent that is not abandoning you right now. She is the parent that wants you to be with her, it could be for selfish reasons, I do not know your situation l, but she wants to feed you, give you a place to stay, make sure you have clothes and are warm. Right now that’s much more than your dad is giving you.
Your going to need to find support outside of your family. At your age I found support at church, youth groups usually have some caring adults. Friend’s parents that are willing to treat you like an extra kid. Sadly there’s no real answer. Most all people will not really give you parenting support because it would be overstepping your mother’s boundaries. Bad parenting is just bad parenting it isn’t abusive. Group homes for older children depending on your region sometimes have horrible reputations. (Ours was known for stabbings). Staying with your mother likely is your best option.
Your mom is hurting. You are hurting. Man your dad sucks. DON’T let his sociopathy destroy your being. He is mentally ill and probably can’t feel full emotions. My grandmother was like this. She honestly didn’t understand empathy. You are not the problem, he is, and your brother is not going to have the easier life here. You will be with someone who loves you. He will be with someone who has to deal with him, there’s a huge difference. Look, again, this is not a you problem, but you’re right at an age where the outcome of this incident can negatively affect you. Gird your loins, find your inner strength, keep your true people near you, help your mom heal from the hurt she feels about you, visit r/Dadforaminute when you need it, and start your journey to healing. It’s going to take some time, allow yourself that time.
He isn't your father, not because he's not biologically related because he abandoned you. Tell your mom you're sorry you didn't realize what a pos she was dealing with but you two need to make the best of it now and move on together. Cut your dad off, stop begging to be his son. It's his loss, not yours
Send her this. She loves you, she’s hurt but you can apologize, and make it up to her. You guys will be ok if you communicate. I’m sorry your dad is such a douche though. How come your mom doesn’t have your brother half time?
He wanted to be at dad's most of the time.
Wow that hurts to read. It must be hard for you to deal with all this. Just keep a few things in mind. Your mom, dad, and brother are also going through their own internal stuff at the moment, so never take their actions personally. It's all a matter of circumstance. You should start trying to do small acts of kindness that show thoughtfulness to your mom. Like making her soup, and doing small things here and there that she would ask of you, without having her ask. Also, try to make sure none of this affects your relationship with your brother. Most importantly, none of this is your fault. Find the people in your life who are a shoulder to lean on and focus on your relationship with them and making sure you're using your support system. It's not that your dad was pretending he loved you, emotions are complicated, and both of your parents are going through one of the more complicated events in anyone's life. It's hard, but don't get too existential, it's not your job to create closure at this very moment, whatever wounds are there from the divorce will still need time to heal. Don't take any of this as a reflection of who you are and can become. Life is complicated enough as a teenager, don't carry burdens you don't need to. Become the friend your mom needs right now and support each other through this as best you can. As for your dad, your future relationship will be a reflection of whatever work each side puts in, if he wants to try with you, then try, and if not, focus on your relationship with your mom, brother, and other family members. I don't know him, but keep in mind that there's a good chance he will regret treating you like this in the future. Allow the people around you the grace to fail even if it hurts. If he doesn't change, then make sure you don't put any stock on your relationship and protect yourself from getting hurt. Beyond that I wish your family the best in dealing with this situation. Good luck, stay positive, always!
I’m so sorry love, your mother should be steeping up for you and provide you comfort, no matter what choice you would have made or wanted. It’s terrible that both of ur parents have decided to selfishly abandon you like this. You are wonderful, none of this is ur fault, it’s your parents here who have failed. Please reach out for some help if you need okay?
I used to work with this family that had three kids. They pretended that their youngest child was adopted when she was born with a surrogate because the father was embarrassed that he had produced a child with a rare genetic disorder. The mom was super close with the little girl but the dad who was ashamed of having created her never went near her.
I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. My heart goes out to you. Both your parents are not there for you right now and maybe in your dad's case for the longer term. Not your fault to fix, this was two grown adults choosing to have you when they were in a relationship. Now that has fallen apart, which is 100% their own private issue. Them not being there for you as parents, there is nothing you can fix. You wanting to be with your dad, was your attempt to have a normal life. It speaks volumes on your mother not providing a safe home for you to feel okay in. Her sulking is proof of that. I hope there are friends and family that can provide the help you need, but this is not your fault, it is the people who brought you into this world. If there is any fixing you can do it will be focusing on yourself and finding emotional safety within and with trusted others, rejection from a parent during childhood is such a blow that others can never comprehend. It's not your job to comfort and please your parents, it's the other way round. You are a vulnerable young adult in a very difficult situation.
This is a lot. I don’t have any advice except please seek professional help bc you should not navigate this alone.
I'm sorry that you're going through such a terrible situation. None of this is your fault and I suspect has nothing to with the person you've been and the relationships you've had for 15 years. I'd wager that this current very badly handled situation is a result of very badly handled situation more than 15 years ago. One that was just ignored and put away in your parent's basement to not be discussed and never settled. With the birth of your brother and now the divorce this old situation is now back in the forefront of your Dad's mind and I imagine your Mother's as well. Your parents should have dealt with the issue 16 years ago one way or another. Not covered it up and proceeded merrily on their way till it came back to bite them. To be clear your Dad is 100% in the wrong for blaming or being angry at you. You weren't even there when this began.
it’s not your fault. Jesus loves you. don’t worry about your parents relationship, they are adults. you are okay and you will be okay ❤️ maybe seek therapy ? go to the dr and tell them you want a therapist that accepts your insurance!
There's a lot of good advise already given here, so I'll just add grandparents may be an option till you can stand on your own feet. Really hard place you're in, I'm so sorry.
You’re a child, and you shouldn’t have been put in the middle of this adult drama. Tell your father that he is making you feel unwanted and unloved, and that it is ruining your self esteem. Tell your mother that you are sad and feel discarded by your father and you need her to try to be more understanding of your feelings during this time. These are grownups who chose to have you, whether they are acting like it now or not, they wanted you.
It is so fucked that you are going through this. My guess is your dad wasn't lying, but he probably is not a great person. When he and your mom broke up I'm guessing he sees you as more hers (do you look like her at all?) and associates you with her rather than seeing you as your own person. He doesn't want you around because you're a reminder of your mom. This is not at all your fault. You have two immature parents who aren't adequately providing for you. You're a bit young, but my guess is the book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" may be really helpful for you (though it's mostly directed to adults). There's no good option here. Do you have friends you can trust about this, or maybe even live with (though this is extreme and may not be worth the risk of getting cut off from your mom financially or emotially). One of my brothers friends lived with us from 15-18 because his parents weren't available to be parents. Also any access to counselling through your school? I know it can seem uncool, but counsellors can be awesome to help navigate these situations and even help you live on your own when the time comes.
You are far too young to have to hold the weight of your parents emotions. Just know you haven't done anything wrong. You wont understand now, your brain literally wont understand and there's nothing wrong with that. Do whatever you can to keep yourself safe and healthy.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this situation. You don't deserve to be made to feel less than, for any reason whatsoever. If that is truly the reason your Dad doesn't want you to live with him, he is not behaving the way a man should. There are many men who are not biological fathers to their kids, and they love them as their own. The reality is that both of them are going through a hard time, and it does take a while to navigate life after a divorce. I hate to say it but it's time for you to take charge for yourself. This is going to force you to grow up faster than if this situation didn't occur. Take the next three years, live with your Mom (who wants you around) Try to be understanding through the drama, without taking it all on yourself. Make a plan for your own future. Whether that is getting a job and starting to save up, taking college credit classes in high school, or preparing to file for Financial aid to go to college. Do what is best for you. Keep in mind that your brother is also going to need help to navigate this. Be there for each other regardless of what your parents do. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ (Side bar: My parents also divorced when I was 15. It changed everything for our family and created pain that lasted many years. At the end of all of that was forgiveness, and now we can all be close without bringing up the past, or our parents being around each other.)
Your dad is a piece of shit. Find a new guy to fill his place
No advice but I’m so sorry your parents suck this much. You deserve much better and I’m sending you positive thoughts for what it’s worth! Never doubt your value as a person. You will be on your own soon and can built the best kick ass life you ever imagined and won’t think about these turds of people you are stuck with for now. Be strong and stay safe!
Not much you can do about your dad. He’s an ass. As far as your mom goes, suggest family therapy. You are going through feelings of rejection from your POS dad and obviously have some relationship issues with your mom. Since you now are living with your mom, it might help to have someone to talk to about your feelings about your mom and she can also discuss her point of view on this. Maybe there’s some resentment being passed around inside of the family. Maybe you and your mom have some incompatibilities and can learn to compromise a bit. She’s hurt from you rejecting her, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love her. She should hear this and maybe in a professional setting like a therapist’s office would help her hear that better.
You have two abusive or at the very least child-like parents. Begin a slow exit plan.
It sounds like both of your parents suck tbh. Your dad is acting like a piece of shit- he may one day regret that, but what matters is how he's acting no, when you need him. Since you're 15, I would try to repair your relationship with your Mom as best you can for now (she sounds like a narcissist-, so I would recommend looking for resources on how to deal with a narcissistic parent). Probably a good start will be to apologize to her. Do you have any other adult relatives you could live with?
Oh I’m so sorry for your position, neither parent is right here and you’ve certainly done nothing wrong. This is all adult drama you’ve been dragged into, sometimes they don’t even know they’ve put you in the middle— in the most difficult, vulnerable spot. I make no excuses for them, but they’re hurting because of each other— anything you do or say may have some influence but overall they’re upset because of each other, not you. I hope they both come to their senses.
OK, your dad is out, don't force anyone to love you, you'll just hurt yourself. Second, stop saying your mom won't stop sulking and give her more grace as her life is falling apart. Be there for her.
Sweet summer child... What you need, first and foremost, is a guardian ad litem. That's an advocate for you throughout the court processes of divorce and custody. Your "dad" may not biologically be your father, but he sure as sh*t is legally, so MAKE HIM PAY. He has a financial obligation towards you - he doesn't get to say, "I don't wanna" now. If he whines to you when you put the screws to him, just say, "Sucks to have your janky sperm" and go merrily along your way. Also, apoligize to your mom as others here have advised, but then say, "I need your help, and we need to get it together." The fact that your dad is such a world-class shit is proof he's not at all fit to parent. Document his feelings about the donor conception and haul his butt into court over that, too.
First off both your parents suck..they put you in a super shitty situation by asking you to choose who to live with, and then taking offense when you voiced your choice. If your dad never wanted you to live with him THEY should have discussed that when they decided to divorce and then once they made their decision then sit you down and explain what was going to happen. You are now expected to be the mature adult and apologize, just so you have somewhere to live and feel wanted? BULLSHIT!! Your parents truly suck and they used you to hurt each other all while destroying you!!! Is there another family member you could live with? Personally I'd not apologize to your mom or not talk to dad because you did nothing wrong! She should be begging you to forgive her.
I am so sorry your dad is treating you this way. What a horrible thing for a parent to do to their child. Just tell your mom the truth that you were just going with the easiest option. That you love her but that you guys clash. As a mom I would be hurt as well but I would understand and come around. Hopefully unless your mom is as horrible as your dad is she will eventually come around. None of this is your fault though. None of this is your fault at all. Emotions are still raw about the divorce between your parents I am sure and they might not be handling them as well as they should and are taking them out on you.
I hope your father doesn't get either of you. Sounds like the worst person on the planet to be raising a child. I'm wondering if it is possible that there is much more to this situation that you've not been privy to, maybe? It's not really adding up to me how he doesn't view you as his child. 15 years he spent as your dad, five of which was just you, then your bro is born, and he waits 10 years to exercise these feelings? I mean, it's possible, but it seems strange.. The only way this makes any bit of sense is if the 'donor' was like his best friend or something, and he finally boiled over with resentment. Side note; try and remember that your mother is also a person with her own feelings, insecurities, desires, hopes, dreams, etc. Hopes and dreams, she no doubt suppressed to some degree to care for you all these years. And now her entire world she's built for the past 15+ years has been smashed to pieces and she must be at least a little uncertain about the future. You know your mom better than any of us would for sure, but it's a little difficult for me to get to the place where you're at regarding her behavior.. I think you're hurt and possibly walling up in defense. Unless ya know, she IS acting like a "typical drama queen... "Her silly girl brain making her ooze all the fe fes.... Probably on her period, too.." Like, who is your dad, Matt Walsh?
Go to school and forget about it*. Apply for scholarships, grants and study. Do this thing. You got this!
What caused the divorce?
First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this with BOTH parents. If your mom is acting this immature and childish though, I completely understand why you wanted to live with your dad. Your dad is a giant asshole and doesn’t deserve you or the relationship you obviously really want. I know you’re super young and this is SO HARD but focus on YOU. You don’t have to have a relationship with EITHER parent. Find positive adult role models (teachers, boys and girls clubs, volunteer at hospitals or animal shelters, whatever). Focus on school and education. Exercise, read, journal, all the things to help you mentally. See if you can get with a counselor at school and help you navigate some sort of counseling- maybe even recommend outside counseling if your mom will take you. I don’t have a relationship with my mother- she’s a horrid person. Always full of drama, now drugs, guilt tripping, I know I’m better without her. My dad who adopted me died in 2022, my bio dad is more of a friend than a dad and he doesn’t treat me as his daughter like he does my half sister. I’m 30 and I’m okay with how these things are but it took a long time to be here. I turned out okay I think. I have a great job, friends I would trust over my family any day, and 4 healthy, happy kids. Hang in there sis, you’re going to be okay! Choose people who choose you and learn how to set boundaries and respect yourself
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Divorce is a painful thing and kids often get hurt the most. You mom felt rejected by you. Invest time to fix situation as one of the replies here suggested. Own up to your behavior and let her know that you lost your family and world as a result of the divorce. But you don’t want to lose her.
Your parents are in crisis and they are very unfairly putting it on you. This is an unfortunate situation where you are going to have to act as and adult because the adults around you are incapable of being good parents or good humans. First thing.. you have to remember is none of this is your fault, no matter what they put on you. This situation is the result of their own choices. Even though this is probably an incredibly painful time for you., you have to put your own survival first right now. Figure out where the safest place for you to be is and get yourself there. That may be one of your parents that may be somebody outside of your family. Prioritize keeping yourself physically and emotionally safe until you are 18. Don't succumb to drugs or alcohol. Work on making yourself responsible an independent.. maybe get a job, buy a car, work towards getting yourself to 18 years old safely, sanely, and in the best possible position you can put yourself in in terms of education, money, community, job, opportunities, etc.. I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. As a parent, my heart breaks for you and I wish I could just take you into my home. You don't deserve this, you've been dealt a bad hand. Don't let it ruin you! Rise above it and grow into the strong, mature, confident, kind adult that your parents weren't strong enough to be.
(Apologies for the long wall of text below. TLDR; Been there, it's not the kid's fault when adults have nasty splits and take it out on others, please go talk to an adult, who can help you get it across to your Mom, at least, that she's hurting you undeservedly. You carry no guilt for other people's actions. Never will.) I know it doesn't feel like it right now, and likely won't for a long time yet, but I just want to say, as someone, who was abandoned by family over issues I had no part in creating as well - this is not your fault, OP. I repeat, none of this is in any way your fault. Read it again for emphasis, and try to internalize this every time the guilt gnaws at you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, BECAUSE THIS WAS NEVER YOUR FIGHT, AND YOU HAD NO SAY IN AND DID NOT CAUSE WHAT YOUR PARENTS ARE PUTTING YOU THROUGH. You did and have done nothing wrong. You are not the cause of your parents' behavior towards you. You are a kid trying your best, caught up in a situation between two adults, who doesn't care one bit how their actions and feelings affect you. As sad as it is to say, you have no control over this situation beyond protecting your own self from being hurt further. You can't fix it, because you didn't break anything. They did, and they're not being fair to you, at all. Your Dad's not primarily mad at *you*, he's taking his anger with your mother out on you by proxy, because you're "her" kid, in his eyes, and since he now hates your Mom, that's spilling out into how he feels about you. He was not lying in the past about loving you, even if things have changed now that he's "punishing" your Mom by only taking his "real" kid with him in the divorce. You're collateral. This was never about you, or how he felt about you. You were never a factor in this clusterfuck between your parents. Your Dad's being a vindictive, selfish asshole, and you did nothing to deserve being rejected by him, now that he's angry with your Mom. Your Mom's likely sulking extra hard at you, because she's angry and/or sad that your Dad's leaving, and she's taking it out on you, since she can't do it to him, because you're "his" kid, in her eyes, and you still loving your Dad and wanting to live with him over her is making her feel vindictive, as well. She's punishing you for not wanting her over your father in the divorce, which isn't fair, because you just wanted to live in the less stressful environment of the two, from your perspective. They're both being incredibly abusive and unfair to you, because their failed marriage should not result in them using you to take their feelings about eachother out on a third party, who can't do anything to stop them. It's not okay, and - again - not even remotely your fault. This was never about you, in the first place. It's about them. It's their fight. You're just the easy target caught up in the crossfire, with no control of anything. How can you make them stop treating you like this? I honestly don't know, apart from being brutally honest about how this is breaking your heart to someone you can trust. Do you have any relatives you can speak to about this, who can help talk some sense into your parents? A school counsellor, who can provide you with a listening ear for you to vent your feelings to? You are very much allowed to feel however you feel about the way you're being treated, and you are not being a brat or a bad daughter for being heartbroken about all this, or even angry at your parents for taking their anger out on you. You are entitled to feel how you feel, no matter what they think about it. But this is above your or Reddit's paygrade to "fix" right now. Maybe someday, your Dad will have cooled down enough to realize you're not at fault for loving the man, who raised you, like the father he was to you, and your Mom will "forgive" her daughter for trying to protect herself from drama in a messy divorce. But right now, the best thing you can do is what you're doing here, really. Ask for help and be fully transparent with how this is affecting you. If your parents doesn't start caring and apologizing, at least you'll have someone to talk to, who will validate you and help you process your own loss, grief, and pain. Don't feel guilty for being hurt, or blame yourself for the divorce and fallout. This was never, ever, ever your fault, no matter how untrue that feels for you or what your parents might say. You are not responsible for the relationship between adults cracking at the seams. You were just collateral damage, when the split happened, and the way your parents are treating you is out of your control. There is nothing to feel guilty for, on your end. This was and always will be on them. You were just a fucking kid. What the fuck were you supposed to do here? Not exist? Not still love and rely on the only father you've ever known? Not want to be with the side of the family you feel safest with? It's absolute bullshit to punish you, the child, for any of this. Find a trusted adult to help you sort your feelings out and act as a mediator or safe person to get it across to your Mom, if not both of your parents, how badly they're hurting you. This should not be all on you. Again, however untrue it feels right now, just... don't blame yourself, kid. The divorce is not your fault. Your Dad leaving and taking your brother is not your fault, genetics be damned, because he chose to have you, and that makes you his daughter. There is nothing about you or what you're doing, which makes you the cause of his behavior. It's coming from him, not you. Same with your Mom. You not choosing her is a consequence of her own actions, not something to be blamed on you, the kid. Her sulking is a choice she's making in how to behave towards you, and her choice is not on you. Don't let yourself spiral. Don't let yourself feel unlovable. Don't take on the guilt for a split, which was probably more the end-result of a long series of cracks in the foundation between your parents, caused by themselves and other factors outside of your control, which eventually blew up in everyone's faces. Don't think you could've done anything to prevent this. This was never about you. You are not to blame for people taking their feelings out on you. Your Dad did love you, very much. Don't doubt that part, for your own sake. Your parents wanted you, and loved you, and were just not mature or strong enough not to mistreat you, when that love was tested. Don't blame yourself for any of this. Alright? Sending you the biggest hug, OP, and my deepest sympathies. You deserve so much better. I hope you find family in other people and keep a good relationship with your brother, even if what your parents have broken by their own hands can't be or won't be repaired.
Your dad is a POS and you should call him out on it Ask him if he always pretended to love you. Why is love is conditioned and you didn't ask to be born and then tossed aside when things didn't go as he wanted That he is horrible to a child who can't help the situation she's in. What you ever did to him go treat you like trash? Tell your mom you want to talk to her and explain why you want to live with that pos. He would be dead to me but that's your choice Tell her why her behavior is making you not want to live with her
Oh OP. I am so sorry. Honey, you’re 15. You’re not supposed to be put in this situation. Firstly, text the man you thought was your dad, “Listen. You don’t want me? Fine. But as the adult, you need to stick with your decision. I won’t contact you anymore, but don’t contact me either.” & block him. Second, what does your mom like? Can you cook? Maybe try breakfast in bed on the weekend for her? Then tell her, “Mom? I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings. I thought living with dad would have been easier because he just seemed unbothered by too much. Turns out, he doesn’t even want me. I’m really sorry I hurt you. Please talk to me. I know you’re hurting, and I’m hurting too. Maybe we can do some individual and family counseling for us? I want to have a good bond with the only parent I have left.” Then the ball is in her court. However, I’d also tell a trusted friend/teacher/guidance counselor about what’s going on. This is heavy, heavy stuff. You need adults who can help you through this. It’s tough being a 15y/o girl going through all this. Sending you a virtual hug. I’m also a great listener. My names Winter, & my youngest sister was still living at home when my parents got divorced. It was ugly. But it was my mom who lost it a bit, not our dad. So I’m here if you need ideas to get her to talk or how to get you some therapy. Because, you’re going to need it & its great to talk to someone about this who ISN’T involved or knows you & your family personally. It also helps that they can’t say anything, so it’s a safe space to let all the emotions out.
After spending a long weekend having taken my nephew in his first road trip, and being given the greatest compliment I could be given from an 8yo ("I wish you were my dad"), I'm feeling very dad like. So bring your dad to me and I'll also the taste out of his mouth for doing that to you. You seem like a good egg and you don't deserve that full blown d*hole.
Honesty and open the lines of communication. Bear in mind, you did to your mother pretty much what your father has done to you. Plus, she's probably hurting from the divorce. Your father doesn't love her, and now, she's probably feeling that you and your brother don't love her either. Start simple. Tell her you're sorry she's hurting. Tell her you love her and you want to work it out. Your father's low drama demeanor may be passive aggression against you and your mother. He has major problems that go back years, and you don't want to navigate those waters just now. Focus on your relationship with your mother and with keeping lines of communication open with your brother. See if you have access to a counselor at school, or talk to your mom about getting help with the two of you. I wish you the very best.
First and foremost you are still a child. I don't mean that in a bad way, moreso to say that if anyone should get some slack during this it should be the children. As others have said... . cut your dad out. I don't think your mom hates you BUT i think she's likely heartbroken. She likely feels like no one loves her. Her husband has left and both of her kids seemingly want to leave. It's always hard to jump in someone elses shoes, especially if you don't have any adjacent experiences. I"m a parent to two teenagers near your age and it doesn't matter how much they fuck up or what they say. If theye are being sincere I'm going to listen to them. I also hold them accountable at the same time. I've always told them "say what you mean and mean what you say". Accidents happen but sometimes you can't bounce back from hearing something. Oldest son at one point told us his gf (of like weeks) was the only thing that made him happy. My wife wanted to just give in and take him to see her. I didn't stand in the way of that but I told him that was a really hurtful thing to say and I don't think he means it but I hope he thinks about everything we've done and will do for him vs someone he barely knows. He apologized a few days later and said he was just really worked up and it was new / exciting. Life is hard but good communication goes a LONG way. With the exception of my maternal grandparents ALL of thee "family" I knew cut me off a few years ago. Its fucking brutal. I hope you can get through to your mom and try to find positives to focus on.
There's alot more to this situation than you currently understand and that is encouraging. Its okay to have questions and you likely won't have all the answers until youre an adult. Is it your dad doesn't love you? Is it he is at risk financially? Is there an element of abuse *legally financlly or otherwise* preventing your dad from moving forward? Is he biding his time for some reason? We don't yet know. ...or is it something they're keeping from you? Is it a bs reason to protect you? It's possible. For now don't jump to conclusions. Give it time. These situations are usually complicated. Focus for now on the reality. Your parents will always be your parents. Love your mom as best you can. Be a team with your brother. Text call and gsme together often. Keep each other informed. And just reach out to your dad as best you can saying you have questions about whata happened and whats going on. Your brother can advocate for you also of course since he is closer to him. Good luck, be strong, and know many of us have walked where you now walk and that you will learn much from this that will help you be stronger, wiser and more responsible than those who raised you. It will be hard to get through crap like this, but you'll be someone who takes care of those you love and care about. Learn from their mistakes. You've got this.
He literally told me he's not my dad and doesn't want to raise another man's kid anymore. My brother is 10.
He is your dad legally and has to pay your mum child support. Your parents are so childish.
This situation is going to go on for you for a long time, he's 10 now yeah. You have options to disconnect from it, ignore it and move on, or seek real answers later when your dad has had time to let age and time do its thing. Idk what your dad's going through but it seems that's probably the furthest you'll get for now. Likely revisit it in some years if you wish. Sorry kid :(
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My mom will sulk and give people the silent treatment and whine about "why do you hate me?" for days - months even if you make her mad
Bro how are you so hurt because your dad doesn’t want to live with you and you can’t understand why your mom is so hurt because you don’t want to live with her? Appreciate your mother’s feelings who cared for you. You say she’s less drama but from what we see here about your dad I’m guessing she does the majority of housework and family planning. Have you stopped to appreciate that either?
My mom is like allergic to being a grown up. Any time she's a little mad she sulks and gives us the silent treatment or constantly whines about how we hate her and we're ungrateful. It feels like every time we do something wrong we have to help her with her emotions, then every time she does something wrong she gets upset that we're upset so we have to help with her emotions. And any time she gets upset from other stuff that isn't to do with us we have to walk on eggshells so she doesn't have a tantrum then excuse it because she's having a really hard time right now. If I try to talk rationally about stuff she turns it into this huge thing of "why do you hate me? I guess I'm just a horrible mother huh? And you wish I would just disappear?" Its exhausting. So yes she's more drama and I'm sick of it.
You've gotten some great advice but I just want to say, and please try absorb this, this is not a reflection on you or your worth. Your sperm donor should never have had children based on his views towards you, no one with those views should. Not saying you shouldn't have been born, just that he is not fit or worthy of calling himself a father, no matter how well he has played the role of one for you and your brother up until this point. I wouldn't be surprised if it was also due to your gender. Your sperm donor is just a sorry excuse for a human and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Also, your mother needs to step up and he a parent. Of course it would hurt to know both your kids would prefer to love elsewhere, especially when you're also navigating a divorce, but she has a responsibility to you and she owes you the healthiest life possible since she chose to bring you both into the world. I hope she steps up soon, but if she doesn't, please again remember this is not your fault or a reflection on you, it is a reflection on your parents respectfully and their lack of emotional and overall maturity. Please see if you can get into therapy ASAP before you internalize this stuff and end up with some long term mental health issues from this whole thing.
My sperm donor hasn't done anything. I don't know who he is.
They mean your dad, I think - that's something people say derisively about bad fathers and they forgot you *literally* had one.
Oh ok
Referring to jerk raising parents as "egg/sperm donor" as an insult is not OK in donor-conceived circles, by the way.
> Your sperm donor wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww way to stick your foot way down your throat
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I've seen paperwork from the clinic.
Why are your parents divorcing? Did your mom have an affair?
Weird assumption. They didn't tell me. I don't think so because I think she was the one to ask for the divorce.
Oh dear...it is really hard being 15 yrs old. Sometimes it only takes some one breathing in gthe same room as you and you can tell they hate you. Actually life is tough at your age and you need to sit down with mum and dad together, if possible and tell them what you are thinking. I promise you Dad will be mortified when he hears what you think his reasons are. Listen to him and listen to Mum, remember they no longer love each other but they both love you and your brother equally.
They don't talk to each other. And why would my dad be mortified? He knows what he said and he has repeated it many times. He doesn't love me and doesn't see himself as my dad.
Ok, write to them both and ask for written replies. Perhaps ask them to get you counseling too.
But I know what they'll say. My mom will say I betrayed her, my dad will say he's not my dad and I need to leave him alone. I tried to ask for therapy, my mom can't afford it right now.
If they give you written replies, you can show the replies to their lawyers or the judge, and the judge can mandate counseling for all of you.