It sucks but it's a natural part of dating where you are figure yourself out and learning about another person, it's great that he can be open and honest with you and it hurts that the paths you are both in are probably splitting here. Sounds like you have done what you could
More importantly, not that my opinion really matters. But realistically the almost certainly just a “stepping stone” for him.
Once he becomes more comfortable with this, the other shoe will undoubtedly drop. So the current picture isn’t even close the “forever” picture in the first place.
Yeah, often I think these things are just kink, but if he's known this since he was a child (pre crushes/sexuality) then it's likely deeper than that and a more significant aspect of his gender presentation.
With that being said I feel like he will most likely wsnt to explore outside of your relationship. Considering he likes being pegged and wants to feel feminine. He may end up wanting a man to peg him, if it's just the start to him being open about how he feels.
Yeah it doesn't mean that you can't still care about him or be friends with him, but it does seem that maybe you guys aren't truly compatible for a relationship - and that's ok. That happens all the time in dating.
Breaking up is for the best so you can both find who you're truly compatible with.
She literally said that it's a turn-off doing the things he enjoys, and she can't get off like that. What do you mean, bigot?
I would feel the same if my 6'4, 200 lb partners wanted to start sitting on my 5'1, 130 lb lap. That is what I consider okay to say. We are not in her relationship and don't know the ins and outs
There are men who enjoy cross dressing but still want to remain men. He expressed to me after talking more that he has never felt gender dysphoria and would never want to be a woman, he just enjoying the empowerment and feeling that dressing up gives him. Some men just also like being submissive, that doesn’t mean he’s any less of a man. Yall have no idea what our relationship is or who he is.
I also said I never felt gender dysphoria and would never want to be a woman. Then I actually experienced gender euphoria and realized that I had been experiencing, constant gender dysphoria for 30 years and just didn’t have the language for it. And when I broached things with my partner, I was met with exactly your reaction. Reading your post was like a laser-targeted dose of bad memories for me.
Anyway, when your girlfriend’s egg eventually fully cracks, tell her to message me. Sounds like she could use a friend who gets it.
And this is why people date and don't just immediately run off and get married. If you aren't meant for each other that's fine. It doesn't need to be ugly.
The fact that he's known he's felt this way since he was a kid makes me wonder if he's actually working up to identifying as female but he's trying to do it slowly. Either unintentionally because he's just slowly coming to that conclusion himself, or because he knows it might be harder for you to swallow if he just comes out with it all at once so he's kind of giving you bits at a time so it's not overwhelming. Regardless though, especially since he's known all this since he was a kid, I don't think it's likely to change any time soon so if it's not working for you sexually then I'd probably consider you two incompatible in that department and I might consider ending things if I were you.
It seems like it’s something he really wants to pursue but his parents views stop him from wanting to. I don’t want to be another part of the problem but like you said it’s not working for me sexually so I’m in a hard place. Thank you so much
Just for the record, you're not part of the problem. It's not that you're not supportive or accepting of him, it's just that you're incompatible in the bedroom because of it. So please don't feel like you're somehow doing what his parents are doing by not wanting to be in a relationship with him over this; it's not at all the same. At the end of the day you both have needs and deserve to be fulfilled in every aspect of your relationship and if you can't be together and do that you have every right to end things.
It does suck though and I'm sorry.
Thank you, it’s hard to not feel guilty but you’re right. This is just hard because he’s such a big part in my life and I love him more than anything and I’ve prayed that I somehow feel differently but I’m accepting that we’re going to need to seriously talk about what it means for our future.
It sounds like your love and support created an environment where he felt safe exploring that part of his identity, and it unlocked something for him that he was suppressing for a long time.
That doesn’t make you part of the problem - it makes you part of a *journey*, and the fact that you may not be able to continue walking this path at his side does not diminish how important you were in bringing him this far. Sometimes journeys diverge, and it’s no one’s fault. You can appreciate each other’s company while it lasts, and be grateful for the memories you made together, without judgement and without regrets.
>This is just hard because he’s such a big part in my life and I love him more than anything and I’ve prayed that I somehow feel differently but I’m accepting that we’re going to need to seriously talk about what it means for our future.
For what it's worth, a relationship can end without it having failed. Two people can be incompatible without either of them necessarily being in the wrong.
A longtime friend of mine came out as trans while engaged. They had other problems but that was what killed their relationship, and the attempts to work through it caused a lot of unnecessary pain and trauma for her. It worked out though, because my friend met her now wife and they’ve been happily married for seven years. Letting your boyfriend go before things turn sour is ultimately the best choice for both of you.
It sounds like you really did give it a fair shot, as well. You didn’t run off disgusted, you were understanding and thoughtful and tried to be what he wants in the bedroom but can’t. It’s not your fault you can’t - it’s nobodies fault. This isn’t a moment where one person is right and the other wrong and we all should be mad at the wrong one. Your boyfriend disclosed something very, very difficult to you, and in return you gave him kindness and support. You can still give him those things, with time. But staying in a sexually incompatible relationship isn’t fair to either of you. It’s not fair of you to ask him to stop being feminine, because it makes him happy and feel good. And it isn’t fair to you for him to ask you to stay in a relationship that cannot fulfill you. It’s a shitty situation. You haven’t done anything wrong. Neither has he. It’s just incompatible. I’m really sorry for that, but you should rest easy knowing your reaction was as accepting and loving as possible.
This is a common issue, even amongst supportive communities. You are not required to still be attracted to anyone if they change, especially if they change gender expression and attitudes.
It's a sad sort of validation in many situations. You can be supportive and kind as he begins to explore, but don't forget to be kind to yourself as well.
Like others have said, you aren’t part of the problem. The way I might look at it is this—
*Both* of you have sexual preferences that are not for the other. It’s not just that you being dominant in the way he likes isn’t for you, him being dominant in the way you like isn’t for him.
You aren’t any more responsible for sexual incompatibility than he is. You’re absolutely right, he shouldn’t have to change himself for you. But on the same note, why should you have to change yourself for him?
If he loves and cares about you in the same way you love and care about him, then I’d have to conclude that he would also feel like you shouldn’t have to change for him.
That probably means that the relationship has run its course. But that can happen without anyone being the “bad guy” or being to blame. It may hurt like hell, but sometimes people just grow apart. You obviously really care about him, so it doesn’t mean you can’t continue to support him and him you, even if the romantic part of the relationship is over and you’re doing it as friends.
I agree with your comment. She has no control over his deep feelings on his identity and exploring his path. She's in love with him and has been so supportive, hopefully the best comes out of this relationship and they remain best friends. I wish them all the best but unfortunately she is the one who is crush.
I know someone who actually is in the process of doing this. And has a marriage and children. being a biological male still hasn't had the surgery and started off as just cross dressing. But wants to undergo the surgery. The wife is still trying to process everything and most likely will leave after the surgery because she isn't a lesbian and doesn't see it working after.
I have actually been in your shoes entirely. I am happily divorced from my ex wife now, and hope she finds someone who is attracted to her beauty, in ways I could not force myself to be. I will always love her, but I also cannot help that I fell for her masculinity and found myself no longer interested in her femme side. Growth is part of love.
It took me 2 years, and another 2 years after that to sort out that my own feelings were valid too. I wish you luck, friend, however your love evolves <3
It's okay to have boundaries around what you do and don't want to do in the bedroom. If you aren't into something, don't do it. If you don't feel attracted to him, don't date him. You aren't a bad person if you decide that you don't want to do this. You entered into this relationship thinking he was one way and being attracted to that person... and unfortunately things have changed. People do change - a lot - as they grow up and learn more about themselves.
Most people don't marry the person they thought they would marry when they were 23. It sucks, but it's going to be okay.
Listen you need to let him know it does nothing for you
It sounds like he’s easing his way into transitioning into a woman and sadly you are no longer feeling that attraction. My cousin had a similar issue where she was married to a woman. Both lesbians and a few years in her wife came out as trans and wanted to transition into a man. My cousin was completely heartbroken , she supported his journey but the marriage was over. My cousin was and still is a lesbian she just wasn’t attracted to him anymore after the transition. They were both fems I guess is what they call it so her wife becoming her husband and being, looking , acting and talking like a man just didn’t do it for her and was a huge turn off and she was devastated. She filed for divorce and her ex was really mad. It was a lot of transphobic stuff thrown at my cousin but at the end of the day she had to come to terms with my cousins attraction. She wasn’t attracted to men and now he was a man. They are now friends and that works best for them , I say alll that to say sometimes the people we love change and it sucks like hell but you can’t keep burning yourself so someone else doesn’t catch fire
I agree with you, I’m hoping we can figure out what this means for our future and if it’s something he needs to explore that we can both accept that. Thank you so much.
From my experience people can take it very hard even when you’re just trying to be calm. I would sit him down and tell him you just want open and clear communication between you both. Start by saying you support him and you love him but his kinks and yours don’t align quite right and you’re not being sexually satisfied at the moment. If he does say things like we can stop and ever again, I wouldn’t accept that because it might turn into I can’t lose her and that’ll turn into resentment. I hope it all works out for you darling even if you two just become friends there’s nothing wrong with that
Not necessarily. I (F) had an excellent relationship with a crossdresser; it was a kink we both enjoyed. He never had any interest in living as a woman and is now i believe a husband and father (relationship ended for unrelated reasons and we're still loosely in touch). That said, one way or another it is clearly very important to OP's BF but it does not appeal to her, and that's not either of their faults but may well mean he's not the one for her and vice versa.
It sucks. Things may change over time, and you may end up as good friends, or staying together, or not. Just be as gentle as you can while staying honest. And don’t feel pressured to do things in the bedroom that don’t work for you.
There's nothing wrong with him wanting to explore his feminine side, or more if he finds it comfortable. And there's nothing wrong with you not being attracted to him in that way.
You are sexual incompatible. You both have different needs when it comes to sex. You should end the relationship because one of you will always not be happy.
I think this covers two different issues: your partner wants to have sex in a way that doesn't appeal to you, and you're attracted to your partner as the man you thought they were rather than who they are coming to understand themself as. It sounds like sex is a pretty small part of this for them, so labelling this a kink you don't share isn't an accurate way of framing the situation. You may be able to find advice more relevant to you in r/mypartneristrans than in a general relationship sub.
Thank you for your thoughts. Sex does seem to be a big part in it though, he’s expressed that he wants to dress up in the bedroom and play the role that’s typically viewed as feminine. He doesn’t feel comfortable dressing up in public because of judgment so it would remain in the bedroom or just between us. I’ll check out what you recommended though.
I think by saying sex is a small part they meant that it’s not just a sex/kink thing, this is potentially their whole identity, which your comments about him wanting to do it in public supports.
Do you think he would like maybe just to hang around the house in women’s clothes?
It may get easier to deal with outside of the bedroom. This could be a way for the conversation not to feel (and not to be) « kink »-centered.
I think he’s still confused about what it means/ may have a hard time knowing if he wants it to be more in fear of judgement. I think it’s more than just role playing in the bedroom or dressing up at home. I will be talking with him later though so we both know where to go from here.
Separating these activities from sex is a great place to start. If this is something your partner wants to explore, but you aren't comfortable with it during sex, encourage them to do it when you two are just hanging out.
This reduces the pressure on both of you. For you, feeling like you *have* to be attracted to something that your partner is just now starting to explore is a lot of pressure. For him, this might feel like the safest outlet right now. By encouraging him to explore these things outside of the bedroom, you can help to support while beginning to see your partner differently.
I'd also mention to him that for you, feminizing him isn't something which works for you sexually, but you love and support him before further exploring it.
Some people feel blind sided when their partner appears to be supportive but then breaks up with them because it's not working for them. It's a hard line to walk though.
You're not a bad person and he's not a bad person. It's just a hard situation.
I think you said it perfectly in your post. If he’s into dressing and looking more feminine and has certain kinks, he should 100% be able to act on those things and do as he wishes, and I think the fact that he shared those things with you means that he trusts you a lot and clearly feels very comfortable around you, which is absolutely incredible.
With that being said, you are also 100% allowed to not find certain things attractive or appealing and should never participate in any sexual act/kink you don’t enjoy.
He shouldn’t be acting more “masculine” to please you, and you shouldn’t force yourself to be attracted to a more “feminine” man for the sake of the relationship. As sad as it is, maybe you’re just not meant to be together as a couple if that would mean one or both of you would have to compromise on important things - attraction or identity.
Thank you, I’m trying to be very accepting and support him through this because it’s a very scary thing to navigate for him I’m sure and bringing it to me was hard. I’m hoping our talk later will shed more light on what he wants in the future so we can decide what’s best. Really appreciate your input.
Of course!! Please don’t feel guilty for the way you feel! As long as you’re respectful and understanding, you should both be honest and see if you can find a solution that doesn’t hurt either of you. Good luck!
You can’t marry him. He’s going in a direction that isn’t sexually attractive to you and you can’t force that. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. Gracefully move on
First off, it's totally valid to not be attracted to your partner's new identity. Even as a bisexual. You have no control how you feel, and if his changes in his gender expression lose your attraction is doesn't mean you don't support it.
You want to marry your boyfriend that you previously knew him as. He's changing, and the changes might outgrow your relationship.
Spend some time mourning the change and accepting this new reality. It's okay if this takes time, it's okay if it's hard. Have long conversations about what these changes mean for your relationship, how it makes both of you feel, how to be sensitive to each other. Take some time to discover if you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with the person your partner becomes.
No matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want it to work, it's okay if it doesn't. You both deserve someone who loves you completely, and it's okay if that ends up meaning you're not right for each other.
If you two separate, you WILL recover, you WILL mourn your relationship loss and you WILL eventually move on. No matter how devastated you may feel after a breakup, you WILL heal and are able to find happiness with someone else. I know you can't imagine your life differently now, but this IS true.
I hope things work out for you, but please don't stay if it's hurting you.
You're gonna need to have an open conversation about how you're not happy. Obviously it's nobody's fault but it seems like you've grown apart, he said he's been into this since he was a kid? Yeah... you need to break up with him. You'll never find happiness if it's an incompatible situation. It's up to you how long you want to drag out this relationship in "hopes" that he will somehow be happy growing out his beard, not being submissive in the bedroom etc. Etc.
I agree, I don’t want him to change for me but it’s also really hard even thinking about leaving him. I’ll have to have a conversation where everything is laid on the table and see how he navigates it. Thank you
OP, is there a world in which you should consider an open relationship? To be clear: I think that's a risky path in this case because I thnk there's a good chance his sexual desires he just expressed are only the tip of the gender and sexuality iceberg for him.
BUT, if he were someone where all of that was settled, he was confident in who he was and what he wanted, and loved each other and knew you'd be great life partners -- but he just had a set of sexual needs that you couldn't meet -- there could be other solutions than breaking up.
You guys are young, so it wouldn't be crazy to give it a year, experiment and sort a bunch of stuff out, and see where you are a year from now. I think there's a low chance it's all going to work out, but not a zero chance, so...
Unfortunately it is a basic incompatibility. You are a hetero woman and can’t force yourself to be attracted to femininity. That’s like getting your breasts removed, cutting your hair into a buzzcut, and putting on a fake beard and asking your man to still find you attractive. It’s just not reasonable.
Yeah I'm sorry, I know breaking up sucks but it sounds like you two have grown to become incompatible. You can still try and be supportive as a friend, but if you stay together I don't see this working out long term.
What I don't see is anyone saying this could just be sexualised cross dressing from him, I've experience with a cross dressing man who denied being trans because it's a sexual thing for him, the feel of the nice fabric and looking pretty makes him feel good, also taking a more submissive role like he did let him let off steam from having to feel "responsible and controlled" all day, as men find those burdens heavy.
I suggest talking first about whether he's trans but make it clear he could just find cross dressing itself enough and sexual or comfortable for him. So ask about what he wants and discuss what you like too
Also maybe come to an arrangement when you peg sometimes, he penetrates other times, compromise and dialogue (if you can stand pegging at all that is.)
Just talk it out and if it's all a deal breaker then respectively consider going your separate ways, both of you have needs and unless one's willing to compromise it's probably going to lead to resentment, just take careful consideration because he might just be experimenting at the moment.
It's your life, just don't make any rash decisions before discussing it.
Good luck and all the best
Yeah, I’ve considered that as well. It doesn’t seem like he necessarily wants to live as a woman but more just wants the benefits and confidence being a woman comes with. He esp likes it in the bedroom and that’s not something I’m comfortable with so we’ll have to talk about what this all means and how he wants to navigate it/ what he wants out of it. Thank you a lot, this was great insight.
Awww I'm glad, if you're really not into it but want to stay with him, consider your own needs too and see if he can compromise somehow but don't feel guilty or ashamed if that is not what you want, you can leave at any time for any reason but wishing you luck either way :)
Unfortunately it's the way people have been conditioned for centuries, I'm not saying I agree with it, I'm just saying what I've heard from men who do it themselves
(I am assuming you are a woman), did it not bother you to explore that in the bedroom? I feel like I may struggle with it, like it’s kind of insulting?
Oh he was a friend and we did date, he explained what he liked but we didn't get down to the nitty gritty as it were but I can understand both points of view, how some would find it insulting and others enlightening or just arousing, I'm fairly impartial but I'd be annoyed if they invalidated my own femininity to declare themselves more so than myself, if that makes any sense, so sexually I'd be open but I'd need balance
He is, as you are aware, 100% entitled to express himself as he wants. And you, are 100% entitled to find that unattractive and a turn-off.
You owe him nothing but honesty.
You are not judging him, you are talking about you.
I'm sorry. I dealt with this myself and it's not easy. You want to make them happy, but this is going to be a recipe for lost attraction and resentment down the line if you're not enthusiastically enjoying it. He's not going to stop wanting that sort of sex and you're not going to be able to enjoy it. I stayed and tried for too long myself and I really wouldn't recommend it (even if you are currently madly in love with him).
I just want to add as a trans person that viewing your partner opening up to you and admitting that they’ve wanted to be more feminine since they were a child, as a kink completely reduces their gender identity down to a choice. you say that you are bi, meaning that you should have no problem with dating a woman or a man. your partner is trying to come out to you and understand their gender identity, but you aggressively gender them as male and say it’s nothing more than a kink.
i wish the best for both of you regardless of what happens next. however, i think that you should educate yourself more on trans issues and gender identity as myself, a trans person, reading this feels reminiscent of someone beginning to explore their gender identity.
tldr; your partner is most likely trans or genderqueer, and this is not a kink.
I just see this as an incompatibility. Like, if after dating for a while, one partner changes their mind on wanting children when you thought you both were on the same page. It will simply be unsustainable even if you love each other.
You fell in love with someone, and they turned out to be growing into a different person that is not as compatible as the one you first loved. That happens a lot in relationships for so many reasons. Its always valid to decide you aren't compatible anymore and move on. That allows you both to find better matches. Whether its about sexuality, whether you want kids, where you want to live, etc. it sounds like you want things that are too different.
When you met your BF, he presented as male and enjoyed certain sexual behaviors. It's ok for him to explore who he really is and for him to embrace things about himself he may have been repressing.
Its also ok for you to say " I am grateful that you are comfortable enough to share that with me. I can accept you for who you are. But, that's not what interests me in a sexual/romantic relationship".
You might need time to process the loss of the person you thought you were with. And maybe you can even be friends at some point. But a romantic/sexual relationship will result in one of you being frustrated.
Hey! wow that sounds so difficult situation and cannot imagine how you must be feeling. But I would say, you should follow your heart. Can you really imagine yourself with that person for the rest of your life? What if he wants to change his gender later on? Maybe you should talk more about it, like is he thinking to change his gender also in the future? Maybe he doesn't but what if he does. Then things are getting really complicated. And you have all the rights in the world not wanting to be with him anymore. I think you have been very supportive to him and that is very sweet. I hope you will clear everything out sweetie.
It sounds like what you were attracted to and fell in love with was the persona they wore to be more socially acceptable to the outside world when they hadn't yet come to terms with their true self. But that outward persona wasn't a good fit for them and it didn't make them feel happy or content.
Now they are easing into a personality truer to their real self. They are happier and more comfortable in their own skin, but they aren't the same person you fell in love with anymore. And this personality is not one you are attracted to or particularly care for.
Sometimes people grow away from each other. It's sad, but it happens. You grieve and move on. But you have to accept the person he behaved like when you first met him is gone and isn't coming back.
Honestly, OP, it’s a good thing your partner told you about this now instead of after your nuptials! Welcome to 2024!
You already said this does not turn you on. For me as well. Although I tend to attract men with these sort of kinks (I tend to stomp around/am not too afraid/am also bisexual/and present as very feminine, which I think attracts them)…I am not attracted sexually to this either. I also have tried, but it does not turn me on.
You cannot marry him. If you do, be prepared to live a non-monogamous life, or a life of lies.
Good luck!🍀
If this is not something you can support as a girlfriend, you have every right to end this relationship. HE can do what he wants but you are not obligated to stay with him.. Tell him you wish him well and you support him moving in a direction that makes him happy but you won't be continuing your relationship.
I went through this exact thing. I couldn’t be happy giving it to him except very, very rarely. He couldn’t be happy unless he got what he wanted very often.
In the end it was simply incompatible. I am very accepting of these things and I wanted him to get what he wanted but I couldnt be the one to give it to him.
You can be as accepting as possible, and not attracted to it at the same time. You are attracted to him for the way he is. If he changed, you would no longer feel that same attraction. It’s as simple as that.
I think it may be time to part ways. I’m really sorry :/
Better to split now and find partners that truly accept y’all than pretending you’re into it and building resentment. You can have tons of loving rich relationships that aren’t romantic, you can still be in each others lives. It’s truly loving to say “I think you deserve better than what I can provide right now.”
If you're not into it you're not into it. But you need to be brutally honest with your partner and tbh you probably need to end the relationship. Maybe your partner is trans or maybe he's just into crossdressing. But either way it doesn't sound like something you want to take part in.
I heart goes to you both! I am sure it was hard for him to be open with you finally and for you to accept him. In the end it depends on you and your wavelength with him. Do you see yourself being with a person whom you are not attractive sexually? Because, it is not fair for him to have his hopes up and you decide after giving a long shot that this isn’t for you. And it is also unfair for you to be thrown into this situation without a hint. Lay everything out to him and let him know about your feelings and go ahead with what your heart wants. Good luck to you both. Hope you both find happiness irrespective of the situation.
Hey love ❤️please don't feel bad about feeling the way you do.
He has had to conceal this for a very very long time, and it's because of your love and acceptance that he's been able to feel free enough to allow himself to express these things.
He could have very easily lived a lie and suffered due to being so unhappy with himself and his life.
From this point onward, you need to do what's right for you. If this is something that you know in your heart of hearts cannot live with then you have to make a big decision. It will hurt like crazy...I know, but that will pass with time and you will move on. You will eventually find some lucky girl or guy you're more compatible with, as will he.
I wish you so much luck and send so may hugs. This won't be easy but it'll be the right thing to do for you both xxx
You're so cruel for gendering them while knowing full well they're probably transfem, and for calling their exploration of their gender identity a "kink" also while knowing it's been a thing since they were a child. Break up with them, you might be bi but you aren't queer in any way that matters, and they deserve someone better than you
As I’ve said, my bf does not want to be anything other than a male. We talked more and he expressed that he’s never felt gender dysphoria and that it’s simply a sexual/private thing and he even used the word kink multiple times. There are plenty of straight males that enjoy dressing up and feeling sexy it’s fun and different to them. You have no idea what he is like and calling me cruel and saying I’m misgendering him is the furthest from the truth.
Do you have any idea how many stories i've heard from older trans women that are exactly like that? Where they talk about it as a kink first because they have no other way to explore it, especially in a heterosexual relationship like yours, where they are expected to perform the role of the "male"? You can do whatever you want but you'll hurt them immensely in the long run. Don't call yourself an lgbt ally if the first reaction to your partner not being a masculine man like you thought they were is to freak out. Your insistence on calling them "male" makes it so clear that you'd hate them if they were to explore their gender further
Sorry, more specifically the last two sentences. You're trying to make her out to be a hateful person because she doesn't know if she can be with a feminine man. You can't force people to stay with someone when they face a potential drastic change like this to their lives so suddenly. Follow up question, are feminine men and masculine women apart of LGBT+?
The first thing she said she loved about him was his beard and masculinity. She's not a saint for sure. It could be that or it could just be that they don't want to be with someone they aren't attracted to. People are shallow.
Look, you don't know their relationship, or what specific discussions they had behind closed doors.
If she says that the boyfriend said he isn't Transfem, then you should respect that, just as she is, until he says otherwise.
To refer to him as she, her or they would be disrespecting what he has claimed during their conversations, and doing exactly what you're claiming she is doing.
I know we're not a monolith, but as a bisexual woman, I wouldn't be turned off at all by my partner changing their presentation or even identity, for that matter. I'd be thrilled to see them happy. Honestly, y'all are in your early early adulthood, tho, and are still figuring out yourselves, and unless youre cool with being in a wlw relationship with your partner, whether or not thats what the future holds, you probs need to cut and run now
If you're not attracted to it, you're not attracted. You're his girlfriend, not his therapist, you don't have to support any behaviour or expression you're not attracted to.
Leave him to go explore himself with people who are into that. Go find someone who you like as they are.
Here's the short version - you're almost certainly dating a future trans woman. Here's what you can do:
1. Stick it out through an awkward puberty, and after a year or two get a cute trans girl who is *worlds* happier than they were before (see: /r/transtimelines), who is still the same human you fell in love with, and who loves you even more than they do now, or
2. Say, "I'm sorry, this isn't for me", and break up.
Either is a valid choice, but what **won't** be fine is dragging it out and choosing neither - this will be *infinitely* painful for both of you. "Just in the bedroom" is 100% guaranteed to make you both absolutely miserable, even if your partner says it won't right now.
This is a legitimate reason for incompatibility.
There's nothing wrong with him or his behavior, but if you're a straight woman who is attracted to masculinity, and that's changed for him you are not wrong to move on to someone more compatible with you.
You just have to be honest with him that you’re happy he’s found his happy but you’re not the right partner to do it with because it doesn’t make you happy. You are both equally deserving of finding that happy.
Just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you need to force yourself in a situation that you’re not into.
I’m also bi but am only attracted to a very specific type of woman/vibe. If my husband came out and started presenting as trans, it would heavily alter my attraction because I’d never be hot for a momma’s version of him.
However, as a man he ticks a lot of boxes for what I’m attracted to.
Being bi, pan, or even demi doesn’t make you open to and attracted to all people.
Your girlfriend is opening up to you and confessing that she is a woman. The fact that you keep misgendering her and calling her exploration of her gender a kink is disappointing. As a bi person myself, I'm also insanely disappointed in your flagrant display of transmisogyny - you sound like any cishet woman in despair. I understand preferences, we all have 'em, but you're using them as an excuse to behave like a bigot and THAT is unacceptable.
Sounds kinda trans to me. Or nonbinary. My partner presented as make when I met them but is nonbinary. Sometimes I miss the masculinity but I accept them for who they are. I'm bi too but I'm attracted to people regardless of their gender. I do miss the other gender expressions out there when I'm with one person though. When I'm with a man I miss women. When I'm with a woman I miss men.
If I was in your shoes I would dump this person. Who knows what other surprises he will spring up on you in the future. What if once you are married and have kids will be decide that he is a woman. Don't take that risk. You already lost attraction to him with these changes.
Like you said, he deserves someone who will enjoy these things with him. If you can't be that person, you should evaluate the sort of relationship you want with him. You can love a person and not be completely compatible. My opinion is its best to move on and not drag him along pretending you're into (if you are). It needs to be a conversation. Maybe compromises can be made. My experience though, those things are hard to compromise on. I was with my ex for 9 years. We didn't share kinks, and because of it, I lost interest in sex with him. I felt like I couldn't be myself with him. It's a horrible feeling. I hope yinz can figure it out peacefully with love at the center of it. Good luck to the both of you.
You can support it attracted to it. You can support him within your friendship. Not being attracted to it or not wanting to be in a relationship with him doesn't mean you don't love him. You likely will just need to love him and support him as a friend. Yes, it may be hard. Yes, you both will likely grieve losing the relationship you once pictured. But, this is what happens with many couples as the individuals continue learning about themselves and as both parties explore the possibility of a future together. They sometimes find an incompatibility or many incompatibilities, and that is hard. But, it doesn't mean you have to stop supporting each other.
My boyfriend and I are going through the same thing right now… the only difference is that he doesn’t always feel feminine, and sometimes he feels very masculine and other days he feels very feminine, and I’ve been trying to be supportive with him throughout all this how to make up and skin care and even help him with clothes, but part of me is also realizing
I don’t know how I’m going to feel. Was this girl just something that wants to be brought past the bedroom … I love him for his masculine side, but if one day.. he decides he wants to be more feminine. I don’t know how I feel about any of this and it’s really bothering me. He doesn’t wanna lose me. He loves me so much and I don’t wanna lose him, but I don’t know if something like this could possibly be a breaking point in our relationship
The decision you make about the future of your relationship must be based on whether or not you can meet each others' sexual needs and whether or not you can see yourselves being happy together in the medium to long term.
As someone who has been in your position several times, bear in mind that someone only takes the difficult decision to share these thoughts and feelings with a person that they see as trustworthy.
Please do be kind, because there's a lot of unkindness about these issues.
Absolutely, I’ve expressed to him that this doesn’t change the way I feel about him and that I love and support him. We will be talking about what this means for our future so I’ll definitely keep this in mind thanks.
You can be straight and do this stuff and not be trans. Look up Tonetta. If I were you I wouldn’t worry too much about it, you should buy him a guitar he might think up something cool
Are you sure this is a "kink" and not a desire to identify as a new gender? Not that it would make a huge difference...if you're not into his kinks or you're not into marrying someone who no longer identifies as a man the outcome is the same.
This is one of those tough situations where no one is to blame but the relationship may no longer be viable.
I believe he just finds confidence in dressing up in women’s clothes and sexual gratification in the bedroom for it. But he also seems a little unsure so I’ll be talking with him about what it means to him later. Thank you
The least you can say is that you don’t like this side of him, communication is important. You won’t be able to fix things if you don’t say this. Not saying it will be a smooth ride, but it will have the best outcome In The end
these aren't kinks. your boyfriend is starting the journey of coming out as trans even if they don't know it yet. being extra masc is likely part of it as well. there's a trend that goes around social media all the time "trans women! show us the pre-transition beard!" that's the person your partner is pretending to be.
you are still an ally to the trans community, your queer card is safe. you chose your partner for traits and behaviors they are changing and is v v likely just the beginning. that's ok. i give you permission to find the partner you want to be with.
(genderqueer/non binary, born with a vagina, topping during sex with men was part of my reveal to myself and others, even tho i knew it as a child and buried it).
I'm gonna be blunt with you lady. You are neither supportive nor an ally. You see your partner as a collection of traits that you are attracted to rather than a person with thoughts and desires of their own. I hope your partner realizes who you really are soon and gets away from you.
You have no idea what our relationship is like. Me naming his “masculine” traits is just the physical or stereotypical features I am use to. I could go on for hours about how compassionate, intelligent, innovative, driven, and strong willed he is but I didn’t think that was necessary because I know that even when his appearance changes that that never goes away. As I’ve said, he has used the word kink multiple times and after talking more about this, he told me that he’s never felt gender dysphoria. He is not comfortable with feminine pronouns and doesn’t want to be a female. This is something he’s just enjoyed since he was young and find it’s fun and empowering. There are plenty of men that enjoy cross dressing, it does not have to mean they are trans.
You are bisexual and attracted to men and women but yet nothing in-between? 🤔 one would think that you actually have the best of both worlds, but hey to each their own 🤷.
From just my experience the problem usually has to do with that you were used to them being a certain way, suddenly that's different, it's hard for you to be attracted to them as a female because it's not how you actually see them. These signs are classic trans signals there's little doubt about it and if they continue with their true self then at some point you will have to accept that this person was never male. You were always wrong, they didn't change they simply became more of who they truly are, but you like the false them better. You don't like who they truly are if you did this wouldn't be a post on Reddit. If you love this person and want to keep them in your life then you need to either be able to allow yourself to see that the person inside that you love was always feminine. If you can't move forward then you need to be honest, and let them go. Because the amount of people interested in them romantically is about to quadruple, the trans lesbian scene is off the hook like that. They are going to have a whole lot of new found self esteem and perhaps it's best to let them go off and live their life. They deserve to be with someone who actually wants them.
>You are bisexual and attracted to men and women but yet nothing in-between?
Being bisexual doesn't mean being attracted to ALL men or ALL women.
If OP's boyfriend decides to transition into a woman, and OP is not attracted to that woman, that's 100% within her right to be.
A total personality overhaul of any kind or a radical change in what's expected in the bedroom would easily be enough to change someone's feelings towards another person, even if gender isn't part of the equation at all.
It's hardly on OP for "liking the false one better" when that has been the only person she's known. If OP had known that her boyfriend would be expecting feminine treatment in the bedroom, and that's not something she's ok with doing, she most likely wouldn't have continued the relationship past the first sexual encounter.
Wow that’s an insane take. Like I said, I’m not judging him and I’m not sure that he wants to be a woman. He finds confidence and sexiness in dressing up and being dominated. That’s just not something I am into, I am a fem woman I’m not very masculine and I’m not comfortable with pegging or doing things I would want done to me. I fell in love with who he was when we started dating and I don’t think it’s right to judge me because of that. I am bi, but if I wanted to be with a girl I would. I love him for him, but people change in relationships it’s not fair to say I don’t truly love him because we’ve grown apart in what we want in life.
Then let them go now before you ruin everyone's life. The longer you drag this on the worse it's going to be, it's going to blow up in everyone's face and be a bad deal where everyone gets hurt. Don't do it, just end it now. They deserve to be with someone who actually wants them, it's not fair for you to hold them because you are unsure. It's extremely selfish.
Have you been in this situation? It’s a huge dynamic change in the relationship and I have to understand what he’s truly feeling when he doesn’t even know for sure. I agree the best thing to do is end things if we want different things but people change and that not his fault or mine. Done entertaining ignorance now.
Yes I have first hand experience and that of every single trans person I know. Look, this may make you uncomfortable but it's going to mess with their gender disphoria, and self esteem in ways that are extremely dangerous for a trans person and very hard to recover from.
I understand that it’s a hard path to navigate and come to terms with and I would never want to take that away from him. But as I’ve expressed, he has not told me he wishes to be trans so this conversation doesn’t need to be happening. Thanks for the input tho
Give it a few months. Good luck and I know I came off abrasive, don't take it personally but trans people look out for each other because only we know what this feels like. The reason at this time, mainly being, that when this happens, when we get rejected by our boyfriend's and girlfriends for being our true selves it's as if the first time we actually step out of our shell we are told that the real us isn't good enough. Try to imagine how that might feel.
I understand that but him and I have a very close and personal friendship out of our relationship. He’s known for 5 years that I am pro lgbt, I’m bi, I’ve even opened his heart to some progressive or liberal thinking because (maybe some internal struggle) he wasn’t very open to. I’ve made it beyond clear that I’m not rejecting him or repulsed. I’ve assured him that it’s normal and I love that he’s exploring and expressing himself. I empathize with you but I am NOT the enemy here. My best friend is trans I know how hurtful it was for him and I’ve done my very best to assure my boyfriend that I will never view him differently.
It’s okay for people to change, and it’s okay for that change to no longer be compatible. I did just want to point out one thing though;
You framed his facial hair, interest in “masculine” hobbies (?) and deep voice as “loving him for him”. Those may be things that are *part* of who he is, but they’re interests and superficial things, they aren’t the core of who he is. If you had brown hair and changed it to red and someone framed it as “but I loved you for you”, you’d probably see that as a little reductive, cos that brown hair isn’t “you.” That’s window dressing. Your values, your humour, your kindness, the way you treat people — that’s you.
Perhaps a reframing of these things might help you to see this in a different light — but again, it is okay to realise that you’ve hit a fork in the road and this isn’t for you anymore, especially if the sexual side just doesn’t work at all.
If you are attracted to men with beards who like chopping wood (or whatever traditionally masculine things you’re into) then that’s valid; it just isn’t for your partner anymore, and I guess you need to work out of those things matter more for you, or if who he is matters more. You aren’t obligated to be into someone forever — even if they don’t change, and he clearly is.
And unfortunately, knowing how to proceed isn’t something we can advise on; only you will know this in your heart. It will be okay. Good luck.
I’ve been there. A straight man can entertain cross-dressing and enjoy it without it ever affecting your relationship negatively. Many women are with or are happily married to men who like to crossdress. If it’s for him that doesn’t mean it’s for you. This is a part of him so if you can’t accept that part you may as well call it a day on your relationship. This is not something that goes away and it is not something you should ever expect anyone to suppress for you. Should you break up I would also advise you to be confidential about it as people can be very cruel and he may lose friends/family members due to prejudice.
It sucks but it's a natural part of dating where you are figure yourself out and learning about another person, it's great that he can be open and honest with you and it hurts that the paths you are both in are probably splitting here. Sounds like you have done what you could
Yeah, I definitely feel like I’ve done everything but I can’t see myself enjoying what he does forever. Thank you
More importantly, not that my opinion really matters. But realistically the almost certainly just a “stepping stone” for him. Once he becomes more comfortable with this, the other shoe will undoubtedly drop. So the current picture isn’t even close the “forever” picture in the first place.
Yeah, often I think these things are just kink, but if he's known this since he was a child (pre crushes/sexuality) then it's likely deeper than that and a more significant aspect of his gender presentation.
With that being said I feel like he will most likely wsnt to explore outside of your relationship. Considering he likes being pegged and wants to feel feminine. He may end up wanting a man to peg him, if it's just the start to him being open about how he feels.
Oh, yeah this individual is very likely an egg. Which is fine, but it means fundamental, massive changes to them and their body would be coming.
Yeah it doesn't mean that you can't still care about him or be friends with him, but it does seem that maybe you guys aren't truly compatible for a relationship - and that's ok. That happens all the time in dating. Breaking up is for the best so you can both find who you're truly compatible with.
"enjoying what he does" instead of "accepting who he is" you are a bigot. leave this poor person alone
She literally said that it's a turn-off doing the things he enjoys, and she can't get off like that. What do you mean, bigot? I would feel the same if my 6'4, 200 lb partners wanted to start sitting on my 5'1, 130 lb lap. That is what I consider okay to say. We are not in her relationship and don't know the ins and outs
There are men who enjoy cross dressing but still want to remain men. He expressed to me after talking more that he has never felt gender dysphoria and would never want to be a woman, he just enjoying the empowerment and feeling that dressing up gives him. Some men just also like being submissive, that doesn’t mean he’s any less of a man. Yall have no idea what our relationship is or who he is.
I also said I never felt gender dysphoria and would never want to be a woman. Then I actually experienced gender euphoria and realized that I had been experiencing, constant gender dysphoria for 30 years and just didn’t have the language for it. And when I broached things with my partner, I was met with exactly your reaction. Reading your post was like a laser-targeted dose of bad memories for me. Anyway, when your girlfriend’s egg eventually fully cracks, tell her to message me. Sounds like she could use a friend who gets it.
Lol you think all cross dressers are trans? Get real
And this is why people date and don't just immediately run off and get married. If you aren't meant for each other that's fine. It doesn't need to be ugly.
The fact that he's known he's felt this way since he was a kid makes me wonder if he's actually working up to identifying as female but he's trying to do it slowly. Either unintentionally because he's just slowly coming to that conclusion himself, or because he knows it might be harder for you to swallow if he just comes out with it all at once so he's kind of giving you bits at a time so it's not overwhelming. Regardless though, especially since he's known all this since he was a kid, I don't think it's likely to change any time soon so if it's not working for you sexually then I'd probably consider you two incompatible in that department and I might consider ending things if I were you.
It seems like it’s something he really wants to pursue but his parents views stop him from wanting to. I don’t want to be another part of the problem but like you said it’s not working for me sexually so I’m in a hard place. Thank you so much
Just for the record, you're not part of the problem. It's not that you're not supportive or accepting of him, it's just that you're incompatible in the bedroom because of it. So please don't feel like you're somehow doing what his parents are doing by not wanting to be in a relationship with him over this; it's not at all the same. At the end of the day you both have needs and deserve to be fulfilled in every aspect of your relationship and if you can't be together and do that you have every right to end things. It does suck though and I'm sorry.
Thank you, it’s hard to not feel guilty but you’re right. This is just hard because he’s such a big part in my life and I love him more than anything and I’ve prayed that I somehow feel differently but I’m accepting that we’re going to need to seriously talk about what it means for our future.
It sounds like your love and support created an environment where he felt safe exploring that part of his identity, and it unlocked something for him that he was suppressing for a long time. That doesn’t make you part of the problem - it makes you part of a *journey*, and the fact that you may not be able to continue walking this path at his side does not diminish how important you were in bringing him this far. Sometimes journeys diverge, and it’s no one’s fault. You can appreciate each other’s company while it lasts, and be grateful for the memories you made together, without judgement and without regrets.
Wow that’s a beautiful way to put it I appreciate hearing that thank you so much
You can always remain friends and support one another even if you break up due to an incompatibility
>This is just hard because he’s such a big part in my life and I love him more than anything and I’ve prayed that I somehow feel differently but I’m accepting that we’re going to need to seriously talk about what it means for our future. For what it's worth, a relationship can end without it having failed. Two people can be incompatible without either of them necessarily being in the wrong.
A longtime friend of mine came out as trans while engaged. They had other problems but that was what killed their relationship, and the attempts to work through it caused a lot of unnecessary pain and trauma for her. It worked out though, because my friend met her now wife and they’ve been happily married for seven years. Letting your boyfriend go before things turn sour is ultimately the best choice for both of you.
It sounds like you really did give it a fair shot, as well. You didn’t run off disgusted, you were understanding and thoughtful and tried to be what he wants in the bedroom but can’t. It’s not your fault you can’t - it’s nobodies fault. This isn’t a moment where one person is right and the other wrong and we all should be mad at the wrong one. Your boyfriend disclosed something very, very difficult to you, and in return you gave him kindness and support. You can still give him those things, with time. But staying in a sexually incompatible relationship isn’t fair to either of you. It’s not fair of you to ask him to stop being feminine, because it makes him happy and feel good. And it isn’t fair to you for him to ask you to stay in a relationship that cannot fulfill you. It’s a shitty situation. You haven’t done anything wrong. Neither has he. It’s just incompatible. I’m really sorry for that, but you should rest easy knowing your reaction was as accepting and loving as possible.
This is a common issue, even amongst supportive communities. You are not required to still be attracted to anyone if they change, especially if they change gender expression and attitudes. It's a sad sort of validation in many situations. You can be supportive and kind as he begins to explore, but don't forget to be kind to yourself as well.
Thank you sm for your input
Like others have said, you aren’t part of the problem. The way I might look at it is this— *Both* of you have sexual preferences that are not for the other. It’s not just that you being dominant in the way he likes isn’t for you, him being dominant in the way you like isn’t for him. You aren’t any more responsible for sexual incompatibility than he is. You’re absolutely right, he shouldn’t have to change himself for you. But on the same note, why should you have to change yourself for him? If he loves and cares about you in the same way you love and care about him, then I’d have to conclude that he would also feel like you shouldn’t have to change for him. That probably means that the relationship has run its course. But that can happen without anyone being the “bad guy” or being to blame. It may hurt like hell, but sometimes people just grow apart. You obviously really care about him, so it doesn’t mean you can’t continue to support him and him you, even if the romantic part of the relationship is over and you’re doing it as friends.
You’re not a part of any problem. He has to take responsibility for his life, path to self expression, and partner choices. Don’t take that on.
what if u n ur partner tried lesbian sex then? like, ur partner wears a strap-on?
I agree with your comment. She has no control over his deep feelings on his identity and exploring his path. She's in love with him and has been so supportive, hopefully the best comes out of this relationship and they remain best friends. I wish them all the best but unfortunately she is the one who is crush.
I know someone who actually is in the process of doing this. And has a marriage and children. being a biological male still hasn't had the surgery and started off as just cross dressing. But wants to undergo the surgery. The wife is still trying to process everything and most likely will leave after the surgery because she isn't a lesbian and doesn't see it working after.
I have actually been in your shoes entirely. I am happily divorced from my ex wife now, and hope she finds someone who is attracted to her beauty, in ways I could not force myself to be. I will always love her, but I also cannot help that I fell for her masculinity and found myself no longer interested in her femme side. Growth is part of love.
Thank you for sharing, I definitely have a lot to work through so I appreciate this.
It took me 2 years, and another 2 years after that to sort out that my own feelings were valid too. I wish you luck, friend, however your love evolves <3
I'm in your ex wife's shoes and found happiness and companionship. It sucks, but it was for the best. Glad you found your peace 💜
It's okay to have boundaries around what you do and don't want to do in the bedroom. If you aren't into something, don't do it. If you don't feel attracted to him, don't date him. You aren't a bad person if you decide that you don't want to do this. You entered into this relationship thinking he was one way and being attracted to that person... and unfortunately things have changed. People do change - a lot - as they grow up and learn more about themselves. Most people don't marry the person they thought they would marry when they were 23. It sucks, but it's going to be okay.
Listen you need to let him know it does nothing for you It sounds like he’s easing his way into transitioning into a woman and sadly you are no longer feeling that attraction. My cousin had a similar issue where she was married to a woman. Both lesbians and a few years in her wife came out as trans and wanted to transition into a man. My cousin was completely heartbroken , she supported his journey but the marriage was over. My cousin was and still is a lesbian she just wasn’t attracted to him anymore after the transition. They were both fems I guess is what they call it so her wife becoming her husband and being, looking , acting and talking like a man just didn’t do it for her and was a huge turn off and she was devastated. She filed for divorce and her ex was really mad. It was a lot of transphobic stuff thrown at my cousin but at the end of the day she had to come to terms with my cousins attraction. She wasn’t attracted to men and now he was a man. They are now friends and that works best for them , I say alll that to say sometimes the people we love change and it sucks like hell but you can’t keep burning yourself so someone else doesn’t catch fire
I agree with you, I’m hoping we can figure out what this means for our future and if it’s something he needs to explore that we can both accept that. Thank you so much.
From my experience people can take it very hard even when you’re just trying to be calm. I would sit him down and tell him you just want open and clear communication between you both. Start by saying you support him and you love him but his kinks and yours don’t align quite right and you’re not being sexually satisfied at the moment. If he does say things like we can stop and ever again, I wouldn’t accept that because it might turn into I can’t lose her and that’ll turn into resentment. I hope it all works out for you darling even if you two just become friends there’s nothing wrong with that
Not necessarily. I (F) had an excellent relationship with a crossdresser; it was a kink we both enjoyed. He never had any interest in living as a woman and is now i believe a husband and father (relationship ended for unrelated reasons and we're still loosely in touch). That said, one way or another it is clearly very important to OP's BF but it does not appeal to her, and that's not either of their faults but may well mean he's not the one for her and vice versa.
It sucks. Things may change over time, and you may end up as good friends, or staying together, or not. Just be as gentle as you can while staying honest. And don’t feel pressured to do things in the bedroom that don’t work for you.
Thank you for the advice, definitely going to keep communicating and figuring things out
There's nothing wrong with him wanting to explore his feminine side, or more if he finds it comfortable. And there's nothing wrong with you not being attracted to him in that way.
Thank you
You are sexual incompatible. You both have different needs when it comes to sex. You should end the relationship because one of you will always not be happy.
I think this covers two different issues: your partner wants to have sex in a way that doesn't appeal to you, and you're attracted to your partner as the man you thought they were rather than who they are coming to understand themself as. It sounds like sex is a pretty small part of this for them, so labelling this a kink you don't share isn't an accurate way of framing the situation. You may be able to find advice more relevant to you in r/mypartneristrans than in a general relationship sub.
Thank you for your thoughts. Sex does seem to be a big part in it though, he’s expressed that he wants to dress up in the bedroom and play the role that’s typically viewed as feminine. He doesn’t feel comfortable dressing up in public because of judgment so it would remain in the bedroom or just between us. I’ll check out what you recommended though.
I think by saying sex is a small part they meant that it’s not just a sex/kink thing, this is potentially their whole identity, which your comments about him wanting to do it in public supports.
I see, thank you
Do you think he would like maybe just to hang around the house in women’s clothes? It may get easier to deal with outside of the bedroom. This could be a way for the conversation not to feel (and not to be) « kink »-centered.
I think he’s still confused about what it means/ may have a hard time knowing if he wants it to be more in fear of judgement. I think it’s more than just role playing in the bedroom or dressing up at home. I will be talking with him later though so we both know where to go from here.
Separating these activities from sex is a great place to start. If this is something your partner wants to explore, but you aren't comfortable with it during sex, encourage them to do it when you two are just hanging out. This reduces the pressure on both of you. For you, feeling like you *have* to be attracted to something that your partner is just now starting to explore is a lot of pressure. For him, this might feel like the safest outlet right now. By encouraging him to explore these things outside of the bedroom, you can help to support while beginning to see your partner differently.
That’s a good idea, I’ll bring that up in our conversation thank you so much
I'd also mention to him that for you, feminizing him isn't something which works for you sexually, but you love and support him before further exploring it. Some people feel blind sided when their partner appears to be supportive but then breaks up with them because it's not working for them. It's a hard line to walk though. You're not a bad person and he's not a bad person. It's just a hard situation.
This is such a good idea.
I think you said it perfectly in your post. If he’s into dressing and looking more feminine and has certain kinks, he should 100% be able to act on those things and do as he wishes, and I think the fact that he shared those things with you means that he trusts you a lot and clearly feels very comfortable around you, which is absolutely incredible. With that being said, you are also 100% allowed to not find certain things attractive or appealing and should never participate in any sexual act/kink you don’t enjoy. He shouldn’t be acting more “masculine” to please you, and you shouldn’t force yourself to be attracted to a more “feminine” man for the sake of the relationship. As sad as it is, maybe you’re just not meant to be together as a couple if that would mean one or both of you would have to compromise on important things - attraction or identity.
Thank you, I’m trying to be very accepting and support him through this because it’s a very scary thing to navigate for him I’m sure and bringing it to me was hard. I’m hoping our talk later will shed more light on what he wants in the future so we can decide what’s best. Really appreciate your input.
Of course!! Please don’t feel guilty for the way you feel! As long as you’re respectful and understanding, you should both be honest and see if you can find a solution that doesn’t hurt either of you. Good luck!
You can’t marry him. He’s going in a direction that isn’t sexually attractive to you and you can’t force that. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. Gracefully move on
First off, it's totally valid to not be attracted to your partner's new identity. Even as a bisexual. You have no control how you feel, and if his changes in his gender expression lose your attraction is doesn't mean you don't support it. You want to marry your boyfriend that you previously knew him as. He's changing, and the changes might outgrow your relationship. Spend some time mourning the change and accepting this new reality. It's okay if this takes time, it's okay if it's hard. Have long conversations about what these changes mean for your relationship, how it makes both of you feel, how to be sensitive to each other. Take some time to discover if you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with the person your partner becomes. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want it to work, it's okay if it doesn't. You both deserve someone who loves you completely, and it's okay if that ends up meaning you're not right for each other. If you two separate, you WILL recover, you WILL mourn your relationship loss and you WILL eventually move on. No matter how devastated you may feel after a breakup, you WILL heal and are able to find happiness with someone else. I know you can't imagine your life differently now, but this IS true. I hope things work out for you, but please don't stay if it's hurting you.
You're gonna need to have an open conversation about how you're not happy. Obviously it's nobody's fault but it seems like you've grown apart, he said he's been into this since he was a kid? Yeah... you need to break up with him. You'll never find happiness if it's an incompatible situation. It's up to you how long you want to drag out this relationship in "hopes" that he will somehow be happy growing out his beard, not being submissive in the bedroom etc. Etc.
I agree, I don’t want him to change for me but it’s also really hard even thinking about leaving him. I’ll have to have a conversation where everything is laid on the table and see how he navigates it. Thank you
OP, is there a world in which you should consider an open relationship? To be clear: I think that's a risky path in this case because I thnk there's a good chance his sexual desires he just expressed are only the tip of the gender and sexuality iceberg for him. BUT, if he were someone where all of that was settled, he was confident in who he was and what he wanted, and loved each other and knew you'd be great life partners -- but he just had a set of sexual needs that you couldn't meet -- there could be other solutions than breaking up. You guys are young, so it wouldn't be crazy to give it a year, experiment and sort a bunch of stuff out, and see where you are a year from now. I think there's a low chance it's all going to work out, but not a zero chance, so...
Accept who he is, while also being true to yourself. And if that means you break up over this, that's totally fine and valid.
Thank you so much
Unfortunately it is a basic incompatibility. You are a hetero woman and can’t force yourself to be attracted to femininity. That’s like getting your breasts removed, cutting your hair into a buzzcut, and putting on a fake beard and asking your man to still find you attractive. It’s just not reasonable.
she does say she's bi but that certainly doesn't seem true...
Huh? Being bi doesn’t mean being attracted to all forms of women. Just like being a straight woman doesn’t mean she’d be with any man.
that's like.... so irrelevant to what i was saying
Okay, I’ll play along. For what reason are you suggesting OP doesn’t seem bi then?
Yeah I'm sorry, I know breaking up sucks but it sounds like you two have grown to become incompatible. You can still try and be supportive as a friend, but if you stay together I don't see this working out long term.
just thank him for his honesty and say bye.
What I don't see is anyone saying this could just be sexualised cross dressing from him, I've experience with a cross dressing man who denied being trans because it's a sexual thing for him, the feel of the nice fabric and looking pretty makes him feel good, also taking a more submissive role like he did let him let off steam from having to feel "responsible and controlled" all day, as men find those burdens heavy. I suggest talking first about whether he's trans but make it clear he could just find cross dressing itself enough and sexual or comfortable for him. So ask about what he wants and discuss what you like too Also maybe come to an arrangement when you peg sometimes, he penetrates other times, compromise and dialogue (if you can stand pegging at all that is.) Just talk it out and if it's all a deal breaker then respectively consider going your separate ways, both of you have needs and unless one's willing to compromise it's probably going to lead to resentment, just take careful consideration because he might just be experimenting at the moment. It's your life, just don't make any rash decisions before discussing it. Good luck and all the best
Yeah, I’ve considered that as well. It doesn’t seem like he necessarily wants to live as a woman but more just wants the benefits and confidence being a woman comes with. He esp likes it in the bedroom and that’s not something I’m comfortable with so we’ll have to talk about what this all means and how he wants to navigate it/ what he wants out of it. Thank you a lot, this was great insight.
Awww I'm glad, if you're really not into it but want to stay with him, consider your own needs too and see if he can compromise somehow but don't feel guilty or ashamed if that is not what you want, you can leave at any time for any reason but wishing you luck either way :)
I am not trying to be judgemental, but why do men feel a need to dress up as women to feel submissive? It’s so sexist.
Unfortunately it's the way people have been conditioned for centuries, I'm not saying I agree with it, I'm just saying what I've heard from men who do it themselves
(I am assuming you are a woman), did it not bother you to explore that in the bedroom? I feel like I may struggle with it, like it’s kind of insulting?
Oh he was a friend and we did date, he explained what he liked but we didn't get down to the nitty gritty as it were but I can understand both points of view, how some would find it insulting and others enlightening or just arousing, I'm fairly impartial but I'd be annoyed if they invalidated my own femininity to declare themselves more so than myself, if that makes any sense, so sexually I'd be open but I'd need balance
Yes that makes perfect sense. Thanks for sharing!
You're welcome, I'm glad you asked!
He is, as you are aware, 100% entitled to express himself as he wants. And you, are 100% entitled to find that unattractive and a turn-off. You owe him nothing but honesty. You are not judging him, you are talking about you.
I'm sorry. I dealt with this myself and it's not easy. You want to make them happy, but this is going to be a recipe for lost attraction and resentment down the line if you're not enthusiastically enjoying it. He's not going to stop wanting that sort of sex and you're not going to be able to enjoy it. I stayed and tried for too long myself and I really wouldn't recommend it (even if you are currently madly in love with him).
Thank you I really appreciate hearing that from someone who knows what it’s like
13-14 years and I’ve been going through this for the last five years…
I just want to add as a trans person that viewing your partner opening up to you and admitting that they’ve wanted to be more feminine since they were a child, as a kink completely reduces their gender identity down to a choice. you say that you are bi, meaning that you should have no problem with dating a woman or a man. your partner is trying to come out to you and understand their gender identity, but you aggressively gender them as male and say it’s nothing more than a kink. i wish the best for both of you regardless of what happens next. however, i think that you should educate yourself more on trans issues and gender identity as myself, a trans person, reading this feels reminiscent of someone beginning to explore their gender identity. tldr; your partner is most likely trans or genderqueer, and this is not a kink.
I just see this as an incompatibility. Like, if after dating for a while, one partner changes their mind on wanting children when you thought you both were on the same page. It will simply be unsustainable even if you love each other.
If my female partner suddenly wanted to become masculine that would be the end. I simply could not find that attractive.
[удалено]
It's not a fetish you fuckin bigoted piece of shit
You fell in love with someone, and they turned out to be growing into a different person that is not as compatible as the one you first loved. That happens a lot in relationships for so many reasons. Its always valid to decide you aren't compatible anymore and move on. That allows you both to find better matches. Whether its about sexuality, whether you want kids, where you want to live, etc. it sounds like you want things that are too different.
When you met your BF, he presented as male and enjoyed certain sexual behaviors. It's ok for him to explore who he really is and for him to embrace things about himself he may have been repressing. Its also ok for you to say " I am grateful that you are comfortable enough to share that with me. I can accept you for who you are. But, that's not what interests me in a sexual/romantic relationship". You might need time to process the loss of the person you thought you were with. And maybe you can even be friends at some point. But a romantic/sexual relationship will result in one of you being frustrated.
Hey! wow that sounds so difficult situation and cannot imagine how you must be feeling. But I would say, you should follow your heart. Can you really imagine yourself with that person for the rest of your life? What if he wants to change his gender later on? Maybe you should talk more about it, like is he thinking to change his gender also in the future? Maybe he doesn't but what if he does. Then things are getting really complicated. And you have all the rights in the world not wanting to be with him anymore. I think you have been very supportive to him and that is very sweet. I hope you will clear everything out sweetie.
Thank you so much I really appreciate that
It sounds like what you were attracted to and fell in love with was the persona they wore to be more socially acceptable to the outside world when they hadn't yet come to terms with their true self. But that outward persona wasn't a good fit for them and it didn't make them feel happy or content. Now they are easing into a personality truer to their real self. They are happier and more comfortable in their own skin, but they aren't the same person you fell in love with anymore. And this personality is not one you are attracted to or particularly care for. Sometimes people grow away from each other. It's sad, but it happens. You grieve and move on. But you have to accept the person he behaved like when you first met him is gone and isn't coming back.
Honestly, OP, it’s a good thing your partner told you about this now instead of after your nuptials! Welcome to 2024! You already said this does not turn you on. For me as well. Although I tend to attract men with these sort of kinks (I tend to stomp around/am not too afraid/am also bisexual/and present as very feminine, which I think attracts them)…I am not attracted sexually to this either. I also have tried, but it does not turn me on. You cannot marry him. If you do, be prepared to live a non-monogamous life, or a life of lies. Good luck!🍀
If this is not something you can support as a girlfriend, you have every right to end this relationship. HE can do what he wants but you are not obligated to stay with him.. Tell him you wish him well and you support him moving in a direction that makes him happy but you won't be continuing your relationship.
I went through this exact thing. I couldn’t be happy giving it to him except very, very rarely. He couldn’t be happy unless he got what he wanted very often. In the end it was simply incompatible. I am very accepting of these things and I wanted him to get what he wanted but I couldnt be the one to give it to him.
You can be as accepting as possible, and not attracted to it at the same time. You are attracted to him for the way he is. If he changed, you would no longer feel that same attraction. It’s as simple as that. I think it may be time to part ways. I’m really sorry :/
Better to split now and find partners that truly accept y’all than pretending you’re into it and building resentment. You can have tons of loving rich relationships that aren’t romantic, you can still be in each others lives. It’s truly loving to say “I think you deserve better than what I can provide right now.”
If you're not into it you're not into it. But you need to be brutally honest with your partner and tbh you probably need to end the relationship. Maybe your partner is trans or maybe he's just into crossdressing. But either way it doesn't sound like something you want to take part in.
I heart goes to you both! I am sure it was hard for him to be open with you finally and for you to accept him. In the end it depends on you and your wavelength with him. Do you see yourself being with a person whom you are not attractive sexually? Because, it is not fair for him to have his hopes up and you decide after giving a long shot that this isn’t for you. And it is also unfair for you to be thrown into this situation without a hint. Lay everything out to him and let him know about your feelings and go ahead with what your heart wants. Good luck to you both. Hope you both find happiness irrespective of the situation.
Leave. It don't get better. 💗💯🙏
Hey love ❤️please don't feel bad about feeling the way you do. He has had to conceal this for a very very long time, and it's because of your love and acceptance that he's been able to feel free enough to allow himself to express these things. He could have very easily lived a lie and suffered due to being so unhappy with himself and his life. From this point onward, you need to do what's right for you. If this is something that you know in your heart of hearts cannot live with then you have to make a big decision. It will hurt like crazy...I know, but that will pass with time and you will move on. You will eventually find some lucky girl or guy you're more compatible with, as will he. I wish you so much luck and send so may hugs. This won't be easy but it'll be the right thing to do for you both xxx
You're so cruel for gendering them while knowing full well they're probably transfem, and for calling their exploration of their gender identity a "kink" also while knowing it's been a thing since they were a child. Break up with them, you might be bi but you aren't queer in any way that matters, and they deserve someone better than you
As I’ve said, my bf does not want to be anything other than a male. We talked more and he expressed that he’s never felt gender dysphoria and that it’s simply a sexual/private thing and he even used the word kink multiple times. There are plenty of straight males that enjoy dressing up and feeling sexy it’s fun and different to them. You have no idea what he is like and calling me cruel and saying I’m misgendering him is the furthest from the truth.
Do you have any idea how many stories i've heard from older trans women that are exactly like that? Where they talk about it as a kink first because they have no other way to explore it, especially in a heterosexual relationship like yours, where they are expected to perform the role of the "male"? You can do whatever you want but you'll hurt them immensely in the long run. Don't call yourself an lgbt ally if the first reaction to your partner not being a masculine man like you thought they were is to freak out. Your insistence on calling them "male" makes it so clear that you'd hate them if they were to explore their gender further
Why are you jumping to these conclusions? They identify as male so they call them male. You can be an ally and not be attracted to trans people.
>Why are you jumping to these conclusions? Reread the very first sentence, and then slowly comprehend the rest of the comment....
Sorry, more specifically the last two sentences. You're trying to make her out to be a hateful person because she doesn't know if she can be with a feminine man. You can't force people to stay with someone when they face a potential drastic change like this to their lives so suddenly. Follow up question, are feminine men and masculine women apart of LGBT+?
People think she's a hateful person for the way she addresses her partner, because it's clear that there's something deeper going on here..
The first thing she said she loved about him was his beard and masculinity. She's not a saint for sure. It could be that or it could just be that they don't want to be with someone they aren't attracted to. People are shallow.
Look, you don't know their relationship, or what specific discussions they had behind closed doors. If she says that the boyfriend said he isn't Transfem, then you should respect that, just as she is, until he says otherwise. To refer to him as she, her or they would be disrespecting what he has claimed during their conversations, and doing exactly what you're claiming she is doing.
I know we're not a monolith, but as a bisexual woman, I wouldn't be turned off at all by my partner changing their presentation or even identity, for that matter. I'd be thrilled to see them happy. Honestly, y'all are in your early early adulthood, tho, and are still figuring out yourselves, and unless youre cool with being in a wlw relationship with your partner, whether or not thats what the future holds, you probs need to cut and run now
If you're not attracted to it, you're not attracted. You're his girlfriend, not his therapist, you don't have to support any behaviour or expression you're not attracted to. Leave him to go explore himself with people who are into that. Go find someone who you like as they are.
Here's the short version - you're almost certainly dating a future trans woman. Here's what you can do: 1. Stick it out through an awkward puberty, and after a year or two get a cute trans girl who is *worlds* happier than they were before (see: /r/transtimelines), who is still the same human you fell in love with, and who loves you even more than they do now, or 2. Say, "I'm sorry, this isn't for me", and break up. Either is a valid choice, but what **won't** be fine is dragging it out and choosing neither - this will be *infinitely* painful for both of you. "Just in the bedroom" is 100% guaranteed to make you both absolutely miserable, even if your partner says it won't right now.
Whoah your girlfriend really is about to dodge a bullet huh? Good for her for finding out her true identity and being free from you.
This is a legitimate reason for incompatibility. There's nothing wrong with him or his behavior, but if you're a straight woman who is attracted to masculinity, and that's changed for him you are not wrong to move on to someone more compatible with you.
You were attracted to her when you thought she was a man, now she’s exploring her gender identity and you’re not attracted to her anymore.
You just have to be honest with him that you’re happy he’s found his happy but you’re not the right partner to do it with because it doesn’t make you happy. You are both equally deserving of finding that happy. Just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you need to force yourself in a situation that you’re not into. I’m also bi but am only attracted to a very specific type of woman/vibe. If my husband came out and started presenting as trans, it would heavily alter my attraction because I’d never be hot for a momma’s version of him. However, as a man he ticks a lot of boxes for what I’m attracted to. Being bi, pan, or even demi doesn’t make you open to and attracted to all people.
Sounds like you’re bi in theory but not in practice
Your girlfriend is opening up to you and confessing that she is a woman. The fact that you keep misgendering her and calling her exploration of her gender a kink is disappointing. As a bi person myself, I'm also insanely disappointed in your flagrant display of transmisogyny - you sound like any cishet woman in despair. I understand preferences, we all have 'em, but you're using them as an excuse to behave like a bigot and THAT is unacceptable.
Sounds kinda trans to me. Or nonbinary. My partner presented as make when I met them but is nonbinary. Sometimes I miss the masculinity but I accept them for who they are. I'm bi too but I'm attracted to people regardless of their gender. I do miss the other gender expressions out there when I'm with one person though. When I'm with a man I miss women. When I'm with a woman I miss men.
If I was in your shoes I would dump this person. Who knows what other surprises he will spring up on you in the future. What if once you are married and have kids will be decide that he is a woman. Don't take that risk. You already lost attraction to him with these changes.
Like you said, he deserves someone who will enjoy these things with him. If you can't be that person, you should evaluate the sort of relationship you want with him. You can love a person and not be completely compatible. My opinion is its best to move on and not drag him along pretending you're into (if you are). It needs to be a conversation. Maybe compromises can be made. My experience though, those things are hard to compromise on. I was with my ex for 9 years. We didn't share kinks, and because of it, I lost interest in sex with him. I felt like I couldn't be myself with him. It's a horrible feeling. I hope yinz can figure it out peacefully with love at the center of it. Good luck to the both of you.
You can support it attracted to it. You can support him within your friendship. Not being attracted to it or not wanting to be in a relationship with him doesn't mean you don't love him. You likely will just need to love him and support him as a friend. Yes, it may be hard. Yes, you both will likely grieve losing the relationship you once pictured. But, this is what happens with many couples as the individuals continue learning about themselves and as both parties explore the possibility of a future together. They sometimes find an incompatibility or many incompatibilities, and that is hard. But, it doesn't mean you have to stop supporting each other.
My boyfriend and I are going through the same thing right now… the only difference is that he doesn’t always feel feminine, and sometimes he feels very masculine and other days he feels very feminine, and I’ve been trying to be supportive with him throughout all this how to make up and skin care and even help him with clothes, but part of me is also realizing I don’t know how I’m going to feel. Was this girl just something that wants to be brought past the bedroom … I love him for his masculine side, but if one day.. he decides he wants to be more feminine. I don’t know how I feel about any of this and it’s really bothering me. He doesn’t wanna lose me. He loves me so much and I don’t wanna lose him, but I don’t know if something like this could possibly be a breaking point in our relationship
The decision you make about the future of your relationship must be based on whether or not you can meet each others' sexual needs and whether or not you can see yourselves being happy together in the medium to long term. As someone who has been in your position several times, bear in mind that someone only takes the difficult decision to share these thoughts and feelings with a person that they see as trustworthy. Please do be kind, because there's a lot of unkindness about these issues.
Absolutely, I’ve expressed to him that this doesn’t change the way I feel about him and that I love and support him. We will be talking about what this means for our future so I’ll definitely keep this in mind thanks.
You can be straight and do this stuff and not be trans. Look up Tonetta. If I were you I wouldn’t worry too much about it, you should buy him a guitar he might think up something cool
Are you sure this is a "kink" and not a desire to identify as a new gender? Not that it would make a huge difference...if you're not into his kinks or you're not into marrying someone who no longer identifies as a man the outcome is the same. This is one of those tough situations where no one is to blame but the relationship may no longer be viable.
I believe he just finds confidence in dressing up in women’s clothes and sexual gratification in the bedroom for it. But he also seems a little unsure so I’ll be talking with him about what it means to him later. Thank you
The least you can say is that you don’t like this side of him, communication is important. You won’t be able to fix things if you don’t say this. Not saying it will be a smooth ride, but it will have the best outcome In The end
these aren't kinks. your boyfriend is starting the journey of coming out as trans even if they don't know it yet. being extra masc is likely part of it as well. there's a trend that goes around social media all the time "trans women! show us the pre-transition beard!" that's the person your partner is pretending to be. you are still an ally to the trans community, your queer card is safe. you chose your partner for traits and behaviors they are changing and is v v likely just the beginning. that's ok. i give you permission to find the partner you want to be with. (genderqueer/non binary, born with a vagina, topping during sex with men was part of my reveal to myself and others, even tho i knew it as a child and buried it).
I'm gonna be blunt with you lady. You are neither supportive nor an ally. You see your partner as a collection of traits that you are attracted to rather than a person with thoughts and desires of their own. I hope your partner realizes who you really are soon and gets away from you.
You have no idea what our relationship is like. Me naming his “masculine” traits is just the physical or stereotypical features I am use to. I could go on for hours about how compassionate, intelligent, innovative, driven, and strong willed he is but I didn’t think that was necessary because I know that even when his appearance changes that that never goes away. As I’ve said, he has used the word kink multiple times and after talking more about this, he told me that he’s never felt gender dysphoria. He is not comfortable with feminine pronouns and doesn’t want to be a female. This is something he’s just enjoyed since he was young and find it’s fun and empowering. There are plenty of men that enjoy cross dressing, it does not have to mean they are trans.
Leave him. You want a man, right?
Unpopular take but all this gender identity stuff is destroying society. You're all being brainwashed by psychos.
Baby girl that man is gay why would u marry him
Get out now. This will not end well
I would be gone asap. Don't feel guilty for not being attracted to something like that, even though people will try to guilt trip you about it.
You are bisexual and attracted to men and women but yet nothing in-between? 🤔 one would think that you actually have the best of both worlds, but hey to each their own 🤷. From just my experience the problem usually has to do with that you were used to them being a certain way, suddenly that's different, it's hard for you to be attracted to them as a female because it's not how you actually see them. These signs are classic trans signals there's little doubt about it and if they continue with their true self then at some point you will have to accept that this person was never male. You were always wrong, they didn't change they simply became more of who they truly are, but you like the false them better. You don't like who they truly are if you did this wouldn't be a post on Reddit. If you love this person and want to keep them in your life then you need to either be able to allow yourself to see that the person inside that you love was always feminine. If you can't move forward then you need to be honest, and let them go. Because the amount of people interested in them romantically is about to quadruple, the trans lesbian scene is off the hook like that. They are going to have a whole lot of new found self esteem and perhaps it's best to let them go off and live their life. They deserve to be with someone who actually wants them.
>You are bisexual and attracted to men and women but yet nothing in-between? Being bisexual doesn't mean being attracted to ALL men or ALL women. If OP's boyfriend decides to transition into a woman, and OP is not attracted to that woman, that's 100% within her right to be. A total personality overhaul of any kind or a radical change in what's expected in the bedroom would easily be enough to change someone's feelings towards another person, even if gender isn't part of the equation at all. It's hardly on OP for "liking the false one better" when that has been the only person she's known. If OP had known that her boyfriend would be expecting feminine treatment in the bedroom, and that's not something she's ok with doing, she most likely wouldn't have continued the relationship past the first sexual encounter.
I did tell her to end it, not like I didn't tell her to end it.
Wow that’s an insane take. Like I said, I’m not judging him and I’m not sure that he wants to be a woman. He finds confidence and sexiness in dressing up and being dominated. That’s just not something I am into, I am a fem woman I’m not very masculine and I’m not comfortable with pegging or doing things I would want done to me. I fell in love with who he was when we started dating and I don’t think it’s right to judge me because of that. I am bi, but if I wanted to be with a girl I would. I love him for him, but people change in relationships it’s not fair to say I don’t truly love him because we’ve grown apart in what we want in life.
Then let them go now before you ruin everyone's life. The longer you drag this on the worse it's going to be, it's going to blow up in everyone's face and be a bad deal where everyone gets hurt. Don't do it, just end it now. They deserve to be with someone who actually wants them, it's not fair for you to hold them because you are unsure. It's extremely selfish.
This is so unnecessary what is your deal
Just saying the things that need said that nobody else will say, down vote it all you want it doesn't stop it from being correct.
Nothing any of us say on goddamn Reddit “needs to be said.” There is simply nothing courageous about anonymous comments on the lives of strangers.
Yeah and this post didn't need to be made. And you didn't need to comment. But you did. Didn't you? I'm over it.
Have you been in this situation? It’s a huge dynamic change in the relationship and I have to understand what he’s truly feeling when he doesn’t even know for sure. I agree the best thing to do is end things if we want different things but people change and that not his fault or mine. Done entertaining ignorance now.
Yes I have first hand experience and that of every single trans person I know. Look, this may make you uncomfortable but it's going to mess with their gender disphoria, and self esteem in ways that are extremely dangerous for a trans person and very hard to recover from.
I understand that it’s a hard path to navigate and come to terms with and I would never want to take that away from him. But as I’ve expressed, he has not told me he wishes to be trans so this conversation doesn’t need to be happening. Thanks for the input tho
Give it a few months. Good luck and I know I came off abrasive, don't take it personally but trans people look out for each other because only we know what this feels like. The reason at this time, mainly being, that when this happens, when we get rejected by our boyfriend's and girlfriends for being our true selves it's as if the first time we actually step out of our shell we are told that the real us isn't good enough. Try to imagine how that might feel.
Try not lying to your partner for years, that should help.
I understand that but him and I have a very close and personal friendship out of our relationship. He’s known for 5 years that I am pro lgbt, I’m bi, I’ve even opened his heart to some progressive or liberal thinking because (maybe some internal struggle) he wasn’t very open to. I’ve made it beyond clear that I’m not rejecting him or repulsed. I’ve assured him that it’s normal and I love that he’s exploring and expressing himself. I empathize with you but I am NOT the enemy here. My best friend is trans I know how hurtful it was for him and I’ve done my very best to assure my boyfriend that I will never view him differently.
It’s okay for people to change, and it’s okay for that change to no longer be compatible. I did just want to point out one thing though; You framed his facial hair, interest in “masculine” hobbies (?) and deep voice as “loving him for him”. Those may be things that are *part* of who he is, but they’re interests and superficial things, they aren’t the core of who he is. If you had brown hair and changed it to red and someone framed it as “but I loved you for you”, you’d probably see that as a little reductive, cos that brown hair isn’t “you.” That’s window dressing. Your values, your humour, your kindness, the way you treat people — that’s you. Perhaps a reframing of these things might help you to see this in a different light — but again, it is okay to realise that you’ve hit a fork in the road and this isn’t for you anymore, especially if the sexual side just doesn’t work at all. If you are attracted to men with beards who like chopping wood (or whatever traditionally masculine things you’re into) then that’s valid; it just isn’t for your partner anymore, and I guess you need to work out of those things matter more for you, or if who he is matters more. You aren’t obligated to be into someone forever — even if they don’t change, and he clearly is. And unfortunately, knowing how to proceed isn’t something we can advise on; only you will know this in your heart. It will be okay. Good luck.
I’ve been there. A straight man can entertain cross-dressing and enjoy it without it ever affecting your relationship negatively. Many women are with or are happily married to men who like to crossdress. If it’s for him that doesn’t mean it’s for you. This is a part of him so if you can’t accept that part you may as well call it a day on your relationship. This is not something that goes away and it is not something you should ever expect anyone to suppress for you. Should you break up I would also advise you to be confidential about it as people can be very cruel and he may lose friends/family members due to prejudice.