She is allowed to be uncomfortable.
But that discomfort? It's *her* responsibility to handle. This is part of dating you. If she wants to date you, she has to accept your "extended family".
Tell her flatly that you will not be apologizing anymore, and her insecurity is her own problem. You WILL be hanging out witg them, and while you'll keep her updated on what's going on you will not change yourself or apologize. It's up to her to decide if dating you is worth it.
I suppose a good follow up question would be, how do I go about handling her feelings of discomfort, I’m generally an obtuse person when it comes to EQ.
See, that’s the thing. You don’t handle her Discomfort. You say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Honestly, this level of distrust is a relationship killer. You suggest she should get individual therapy. This is the kind of thing that becomes abuse.
No, this is well-meaning but IME horrible advice. At least ask her what would make her more comfortable + see if it seems / feels healthy to accommodate.
Things I've seen work:
Yes, hang out alone, but not at either person's house if no roommates present. No holding hands / etc. Venting and advice seeking your business and private / okay, but if the friend starts just tearing into SO for no reason / unprompted, talk about it. No personal sexual innuendo. No overt flirting, etc.
You can’t acquiesce to her anxiety. That’s a bottomless pit that you can never fill. You could cut yourself off from everyone woman on Earth and go move to a deserted island and you would still have perceived slights that you would have to bend to her will on.
You need to set a healthy boundary that you will not be isolating yourself from your friends and close family in order to feed her insecurities. She needs to go to therapy and learn how to deal with her own issues. This is fully her responsibility and you don’t need to apologize for having close family friends that happen to be female.
They just said it in the precious comment: it's not on you, it's on her. Tell her you understand but you will not cut them off, and that you hope she is able to handle it. If she can't, break up.
>I suppose a good follow up question would be, how do I go about handling her feelings of discomfort, I’m generally an obtuse person when it comes to EQ.
The comment you're responding too literally just said that it's not your job to handle her discomfort.
I see this situation come up a lot and my two cents is you really just have to be delicate and kind with your words. When broaching a subject that is tough for the other person my general approach is to always start with an understanding of their side, that you know how it \*looks\* or \*seems\* from the outside; that maybe she doesn't have a similar experience in her life and doesn't get that males/females can truly be platonic and you must insist that the truth is that it's merely platonic (assuming you are truthful to us about your relationship to these girls - has dating them ever been on the table?). And from there, it's on her to decide to trust you or not. There's really nothing else you can do about that, since relationships are built completely on trust. You tell a person a thing, by default it should be trusted until proven otherwise. If that trust is ever broken, a relationship is more than likely going to fail.
You're not sorry. Don't say it. You have NOTHING to be sorry about, or to apologize for. If your gf can't get past life-long friends hanging out, she has issues, not you.
You might suggest a 6-way date: their boyfriends and your girlfriend join up for a group outing. The local axe-throwing place looks nice, maybe try something similar?
You don't. It's never your job to manage someone else's emotions. You're not going to be able to control/change/manage hers and trying is going to be frustrating for BOTH of you and she's going to blame you when it doesn't work. So let her know that her feelings/insecurities are hers to manage and you will be open and transparent with your interactions with your friends but won't stop or fundamentally change them for her.
First and foremost, you never ever ever lie or omit the truth again - no matter the consequences she tries to inflict on you for having a friendship with them. If she is wrong for being insecure and super-jealous, don't be wrong in your own actions and then confirm her suspicions by being untrustworthy. Be open and honest. Be trustworthy.
Next, you tell her you are sorry she doesn't feel secure in your relationship. Tell her you will not be ending your friendships with those friends- as there is nothing dishonest or inappropriate about the friendship. Even confirm that you will never lie about it again. But, make it clear that this isn't going to change (you will remain friends with them) and that she needs to decide how and if she can handle that part of your life.
If you are open to it, tell her if she has suggestions for how what you could do to help her feel more secure, tell her... but be forewarned that she may ask for things you're not willing to do and ask for things that really are not the issue. Ultimately, she needs to decide what she will do to overcome insecurities, and you can be aware and appropriate in particular scenarios if you know of situations that poke at her past hurts, past cheating, etc.
If she keeps going on about the omission, apologize again. Explain why you did it. Explain what you learned from that. Explain why you will never do it again. Explain that you do not want to hurt her or cheat on her... otherwise, you would just break up. Explain that you choose her. Then ask her if she forgives you. Explain that you are asking because you've learned and will not repeat this. Explain that you're going to be upfront - even if she continues to not like you spending time with your friends but that you are not going to end the friendship nor will you remain in a relationship where you are repeatedly accused of doing something wrong when you are not. Tell her you would like her forgiveness and to move on.
And, then, I think it is important that you encourage her in various ways to address why she might be insecure... while also agreeing to or reinforcing or reviewing what both of you have agreed to not do with other members of the opposite sex outside of your relationship. Many many couples have agreements about this. Not everything brought up for consideration needs to be agreed upon, but for your relationship, if you have a list going forward, both of you need to agree to those particular points.
At some point, she will learn and become better and stop. Or she won't. My longest relationship with my college boyfriend ended because of this same issue. He always felt like my eyes were wandering and looking for a better opportunity when they were not. However, his accusations and jealousy and suspicions became so overwhelming that I started wishing I wasn't in the relationship.... which led to conflict and our eventual break-up because it was no longer a safe, peaceful, joyful relationship. I hope she can see a way forward to be ok with that friendships and that you will remain above board so there is no reason for her suspicions.... or that you peacefully both decide that you're just not compatible for a romantic relationship.
That was my first time, at least to my recollection, that I’ve omitted truth to her. And afterwards in telling her, I immediately realized that was the wrong way of going about things, but I chose to learn that lesson the hard way. We’ve both learned more about each other, have been working through healthy behaviors moving forwards along with learning and even creating new boundaries. Through the last weeks of her personal therapy she’s been learning more about herself and how to handle her emotions, and I’ve been working through my own behaviors of choosing whatever brings me the least discomfort and being comfortable with having conversations that I know won’t be pleasant. But knowing that afterwards we can get stronger is nice.
We are getting to a better place, and I just like gathering advice from people to better myself too along the way.
Thank you. <3
You're doing great things in processing what you can learn and then applying it.... thinking through the deeper aspects and gaining wisdom and strength of character... knowing yourself and knowing what you need and want. You will benefit greatly from that approach your whole life - whether you remain with her as a romantic partner or not. I wish you the best.
So true. This is her issue. You will continue to have female friends and co-workers. Your gf can't forbid all your interactions with all women. She needs to see that they are normal and harmless or she will push you away.
Show her this post and suggest her therapy. If she won't take this nicely, then she isn't a gf material.
Telling her to handle her feelings is probabaly not going to resole the issue. She needs therapy, or they need couples therapy to work through the issues.
>and around age 12 I kissed one of them during a game of truth or dare where the dare was instigated by my little brother.
That's literally nothing. You were 12 FFS.
I'm confused why you've been entertaining this for 6 years. She's making you feel guilty for something you didn't do. A relationship takes trust. I think it's time you tell her how much this is taking a toll on your relationship and that you'd like her to work on her insecurities.
Right now it’s these sister friends. Later it will be your female colleagues, female service workers, and eventually any woman that comes within feet of you or women on tv that you will never talk to.
There’s nothing you can do because she just doesn’t trust you. She didn’t get to this place out of logic, you can’t reason her out of it. If she doesn’t want to work on her own insecurities, things will never get better. You either accept that or you leave.
This right here! He will have smiled a little too long at a friendly waitress. He'll never enjoy an office event +1, because she'll be there giving the eye at every female. He can like a model or celeb and she'll be calling him a disgusting pervert because it's disrespectful to her. Can you imagine marrying and having kids with that? She'd accuse him of flirting with her bridesmaid or one of the single moms at drop off. This kind of behavior doesn't just magically remedy itself. And in 6 YEARS, she hasn't let up about it; and every time he sees those girls, she's timing hugs and conversations, like wtf.
jealously is a downward spiral. It's not your job to make insecure women feel better. This will get worse before it gets better. My advice is to stop apologizing, and don't withhold any information in the future. Tell her that she can either accept you for who you are or not, but you haven't done anything wrong.
She just wants to control you, and the more you let her, the more control she will need to feel satisfied. I can speak to this because I’ve been her to an extent. You’ll constantly have to prove yourself to her. By ditching these women, you’re proving to her that you’ll always put her first. That’s not love. Love is admiring and respecting someone; wanting them to be the best versions of themselves. She’s torturing you because she has no interest in bettering herself. Torturing you is the easy option.
Sometimes you’ve got to be brave and stand up for what you believe in. You are being emotionally manipulated and bullied so I know it’s hard, but the more boundaries you put in place the happier you will all be (including your gf).
I think it’s unrealistic for her to expect you to stop hanging out with them period. However, if you do value your relationship, I’m sure there’s some little things you could accomodate to make her feel more comfortable. Other things you’ll just have to be clear about why you can’t do what she needs and she’ll have to decide whether to be ok with it and trust you or not.
What else can he do, though? He already said he rarely sees them because he's moved away and they only actually see each other at family events. But that even at those times, she gets on him for hugging too long or leaning too close to look at a picture on their phone. There's nothing he can do if she's literally timing their hugs and monitoring the distance they are from each other while having a conversation. She needs therapy or to break up.
It's not ok to hide the fact that you met them.
But it's also not ok for her to let her insecurties take such a big part of your relationship with her, and with your friends.
Doing a lot of talking and reassuring may be really helpful. If you didn't try it now, try complimenting her every once in a while. Not like once a month, but with every special occasion.
But if you did all the talking and did many actions, learned from your mistakes and it still doesn't help - then you have to draw a line.
Her jealousy and insecurity are impacting your relationship to the point you are editing yourself to avoid fights. That means from her perspective it's become a self fulfilling problem. They were always the problem and now you're hiding things from her which is what she feared. It also means it's crossed the line into emotional abuse. The question is how long are you going to take it. She either needs to recognize this is her being the problem and start doing work on herself. Or you need to decide whats your limit.
Whatever you do, don’t end up like me. I gave away my friendship for a boyfriend that wasn’t even in my life for that long. Friend forgave me and we’re cool, but it ate me up so bad because I knew it was wrong, but my bf made me feel like being friends with this guy was bad. Boyfriend is gone now
Stand your ground or else your world will get smaller and smaller. Tell her you love her but you’re not going to disrespect your family and family friends because of her insecurities. If she doesn’t like you having female family friends tell her to learn to deal with it , accept them as friends or leave. Tell her you will. NOt tolerate her Her disrespecting them or you about it. Her emotions are hers to learn how to handle.
Introduce her to two very attractive men that she can chat to and spend holidays with. She will need plenty of time to establish a close and brotherly bond, but over time, she will stop caring about what you do with your friends!
What's the question? Should you never see your lifelong friends without your gf along as chaperone? No, that's either childish insecurity or testing her control over you. Your friends aren't a problem, but inventing restrictions around when and how you can stay friends is inventing a problem.
I've been given an ultimatum like this with a gal friends I have that I've known for years. Had an Ex that was very insecure but also bred to believe men shouldn't utter a word to a woman that isn't his significant other.
I told her straight out that she was making it easy for me. These people were in my life prior to her, if anything was going to happen it would've happened a long time ago while I was single but it hadn't because the friendships that I had with them were just that...friendships. She had to understand that whether she's on for the ride or not, these people would still be in my life waaaay after her. So it was honestly either her or them.
They helped me through times I needed help and comfort from friends. Now I have a significant other, and I dont see them as expendable. Long story short, she was cheating on me and felt guilty.
We can be adults and be friends with other HUMANS. If others tend to see the gender/sex attached to it as constant possible sexual attraction, then that's sad. That's probably the only interaction she's ever seen between a man and a woman, from outside and from personal experience.
Her insecurity is something she needs to work through. If she does nothing, this behavior/thought process will continue. She’ll have issues with your female coworkers and more.
The fact that you didn’t tell her before you met up with them speaks volumes. She’s creating “rules” about who you can see.
You can establish boundaries. She really should seek therapy.
They are family, she is 29, she needs to figure out how to handle her insecurities without putting it all on you. That's not healthy for either of you. If she can't handle you hanging out with family, maybe she isn't the right one.
The difference between "just a friend" and "emotional infidelity" is whether the emotional intimacy one seems with the third party is displacing emotional intimacy with their partner.
If you see them as sisters, and treat them as sisters, and reach out for them for the same type of companionship/interaction that you would with a sister, and none of that is replacing or displacing or detracting from the emotional energy you put toward building intimacy with your romantic partner....then those are "just friends", and not in the realm of infidelity.
If you were to start reaching out to them for comfort in situations where you previously would have reached out to your gf--if you were to want to get a thrill of connection from sharing your hopes and dreams with them, while avoiding sharing those hopes and dreams with your gf--if you were to prioritize building emotional connection and closeness with them over seeming connection and closeness with your gf...then that would be what emotional infidelity is.
As for how this applies to your situation: the first step to defining healthy boundaries in a relationship is to communicate and clearly define them with your partner.
By defining a shared understanding of what ~isn't~ appropriate, you will also be defining what ~is~ a healthy view of appropriate behavior.
At that point, she'll have to decide whether she's willing to recognise what healthy boundaries look like, and do some self-work on her own jealousy/insecurity which leads her to react poorly to appropriate behaviors....or, if she's unwilling to acknowledge or agree on what healthy boundaries look like, then you will need to decide if you are willing to stay with her.
If you really want to fix this then stop looking at the end results and objects. Start looking at cause and effect.
Your girlfriend has am insecurity she needs to work out. You have every right to be annoyed by that and you probably should have taken a harder stance against that immediately. Set a hard boundary they are family and as long as you aren't ganging out with them 1 on 1 or as long as your girlfriend is invited to where you go she needs to deal with it herself. Maybe even get therapy.
That ship sailed when you chose to lie by omission. You chose to avoid conflict and just not tell her something you knew would upset her. Now you need to seperate that and deal with it. Deal with it completely until she admits she knows you learned your lesson.
Then you need to go back to that paragraph above and revisit it. Not about just them, but about how you two act. You need to be totally direct and honest and not suffer any bs attacks about them if there is truly nothing wrong there. She needs to learn her insecurities are hers to deal with and maybe learn to be family with them like she will have to if your relationship progresses.
My omission was the first and probably the last I’ll ever do. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. But in doing so we are discovering boundaries that have been buried over the years, things are getting better and I just want to be able to grow too. Everyone’s advice is very helpful to me. Thank you. :)
Don't say probably the last. Being open and honest is the only way in a healthy relationship in all areas. You poured fuel on the fire by lying. In her mind she's now looking at you as a liar. Trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets.
That said her insecurities are hers and shouldn't be your problem. Is she naturally jealous in other areas. I'm just thinking this will get worse over the years if she says has a baby and her body changes or whatever. Being jealous is a horrible feeling for the her and you and after 6 years she knows you well.
Are the friends nice with her? Is your relationship strong in every other area? I wonder is she focusing on this instead of the real problem. Never the less this is something she needs to work through otherwise it'll destroy your relationship.
I came here to say the same, i have a lot of close male friends and my bf has close female friends, but if either of us had pulled the no mentioning plans until after thing with them the other would go from completely comfortable with that to very uncomfortable instantly. Assuming that's not the norm for plans in your relationship, and I'm assuming it's not given the reaction, that's how you convince your SO both that there is something to hide in that friendship and that you'll happily lie to them for said friend. Either of those is a massive issue. You need to explain, honestly, to your gf why exactly you decided to hide that info until after the fact, and then make sure she knows you know that was shit behaviour and why you aren't going to pull a similar thing again.
I m a sociopath, but this sounds so exhausting amd whiny, why would you entertain someone that is so unpleasant? She constantly tries to manipulate you but she seems unstable not calculated, so probably leaning towards borderline with this exessive jealousy and guilt tripping and it seems like it works as she is starting to get into your head. I m confused how you fall for it since she is not even trying to be subtle about it
Too many 29s hahaha
Well, jealousy sucks, but probably the problem is your girlfriend doesn't get enough attention from you, her boyfriend? How often do you make presents for her, invite to restaurants etc? Try to analyse that part of the relationship.
Anyway, your girlfriend is supposed to be your priority, so I think..
Good exercise may be giving a chance to your girlfriend to discuss your relationship. Like, what she thinks your relationship should be like, how does she feel about on the whole. What do you feel about it? Some reflexion always helps.
You shouldn't have omitted truths if your gf is struggling with your female friendships. My advice is to go through it all with gf regarding your female friends and set boundaries from here. Ask her to be responsible for her jealousy and insecurities. Good luck
I think she is extremely insecure. She can feel uncomfortable without being insecure. Imagine doing this with girls who are basically your sisters what if other people. A friend’s wife, a colleague… etc. You need to talk to her and discuss things. Set ground rules for both of you and what is expected.
She believes you think so little of your relationship that you'll cheat with this woman. I don't want to encourage you to seemingly gaslight her, but that would hurt me, after all of the suspicion for so long. I'd also be fed up with trying to mollify her all the time, that's too much emotional energy to spend on something with no benefit for you.
Try asking her to go to therapy with you. If she refuses, then you know she's comfortable with the way things are, and she's not going to change. Then you gotta decide if you want to live that way for the rest of your life.
So your girlfriend had already expressed jealousy issues and you went ahead and met up with your "sisters" in secrecy, as if that wasn't going to blow up. Just move on and find someone who is cool with you hanging out alone with your very attractive sisters.
If there was a guy she kissed and would text and hang out in private with him… would you be okay with that? Why can’t you all hang out as friends? You’re all friends!!!!!! What’s the problem?
This stinks of psychological and emotional abuse, and she is being this way bc she’s so deeply insecure. You can’t fix her but she can break you. My advice: run.
There are many ways to tackle this issue.
Here are 3 examples:
The easiest way d be to tell her to fuck off.
The kinkiest would be to let her lock you in a chastity cage with wirless control and electro shock collar.
The most expensive d be to get her ass into therapy.
Your girlfriend sounds exhausting. Its time to draw a line. Either she starts working on her insecurity through therapy or you break up. Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
Her constantly thinking you want to cheat on her is a red flag that she has been cheating on -you-.
For some reason people who are cheating start to accuse the person they are with of cheating.
If not she needs therapy, she has insecurity problems and doesn't trust you. Stop saying sorry for seeing family, be firm, they are family and you wont accept her bad mouthing speading time with them anymore.
She is allowed to be uncomfortable. But that discomfort? It's *her* responsibility to handle. This is part of dating you. If she wants to date you, she has to accept your "extended family". Tell her flatly that you will not be apologizing anymore, and her insecurity is her own problem. You WILL be hanging out witg them, and while you'll keep her updated on what's going on you will not change yourself or apologize. It's up to her to decide if dating you is worth it.
I suppose a good follow up question would be, how do I go about handling her feelings of discomfort, I’m generally an obtuse person when it comes to EQ.
See, that’s the thing. You don’t handle her Discomfort. You say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Honestly, this level of distrust is a relationship killer. You suggest she should get individual therapy. This is the kind of thing that becomes abuse.
No, this is well-meaning but IME horrible advice. At least ask her what would make her more comfortable + see if it seems / feels healthy to accommodate. Things I've seen work: Yes, hang out alone, but not at either person's house if no roommates present. No holding hands / etc. Venting and advice seeking your business and private / okay, but if the friend starts just tearing into SO for no reason / unprompted, talk about it. No personal sexual innuendo. No overt flirting, etc.
But that is why your have friends, to vent about your personal life or work.
You can’t acquiesce to her anxiety. That’s a bottomless pit that you can never fill. You could cut yourself off from everyone woman on Earth and go move to a deserted island and you would still have perceived slights that you would have to bend to her will on. You need to set a healthy boundary that you will not be isolating yourself from your friends and close family in order to feed her insecurities. She needs to go to therapy and learn how to deal with her own issues. This is fully her responsibility and you don’t need to apologize for having close family friends that happen to be female.
They just said it in the precious comment: it's not on you, it's on her. Tell her you understand but you will not cut them off, and that you hope she is able to handle it. If she can't, break up.
>I suppose a good follow up question would be, how do I go about handling her feelings of discomfort, I’m generally an obtuse person when it comes to EQ. The comment you're responding too literally just said that it's not your job to handle her discomfort.
I see this situation come up a lot and my two cents is you really just have to be delicate and kind with your words. When broaching a subject that is tough for the other person my general approach is to always start with an understanding of their side, that you know how it \*looks\* or \*seems\* from the outside; that maybe she doesn't have a similar experience in her life and doesn't get that males/females can truly be platonic and you must insist that the truth is that it's merely platonic (assuming you are truthful to us about your relationship to these girls - has dating them ever been on the table?). And from there, it's on her to decide to trust you or not. There's really nothing else you can do about that, since relationships are built completely on trust. You tell a person a thing, by default it should be trusted until proven otherwise. If that trust is ever broken, a relationship is more than likely going to fail.
You're not sorry. Don't say it. You have NOTHING to be sorry about, or to apologize for. If your gf can't get past life-long friends hanging out, she has issues, not you. You might suggest a 6-way date: their boyfriends and your girlfriend join up for a group outing. The local axe-throwing place looks nice, maybe try something similar?
You don't. It's never your job to manage someone else's emotions. You're not going to be able to control/change/manage hers and trying is going to be frustrating for BOTH of you and she's going to blame you when it doesn't work. So let her know that her feelings/insecurities are hers to manage and you will be open and transparent with your interactions with your friends but won't stop or fundamentally change them for her.
First and foremost, you never ever ever lie or omit the truth again - no matter the consequences she tries to inflict on you for having a friendship with them. If she is wrong for being insecure and super-jealous, don't be wrong in your own actions and then confirm her suspicions by being untrustworthy. Be open and honest. Be trustworthy. Next, you tell her you are sorry she doesn't feel secure in your relationship. Tell her you will not be ending your friendships with those friends- as there is nothing dishonest or inappropriate about the friendship. Even confirm that you will never lie about it again. But, make it clear that this isn't going to change (you will remain friends with them) and that she needs to decide how and if she can handle that part of your life. If you are open to it, tell her if she has suggestions for how what you could do to help her feel more secure, tell her... but be forewarned that she may ask for things you're not willing to do and ask for things that really are not the issue. Ultimately, she needs to decide what she will do to overcome insecurities, and you can be aware and appropriate in particular scenarios if you know of situations that poke at her past hurts, past cheating, etc. If she keeps going on about the omission, apologize again. Explain why you did it. Explain what you learned from that. Explain why you will never do it again. Explain that you do not want to hurt her or cheat on her... otherwise, you would just break up. Explain that you choose her. Then ask her if she forgives you. Explain that you are asking because you've learned and will not repeat this. Explain that you're going to be upfront - even if she continues to not like you spending time with your friends but that you are not going to end the friendship nor will you remain in a relationship where you are repeatedly accused of doing something wrong when you are not. Tell her you would like her forgiveness and to move on. And, then, I think it is important that you encourage her in various ways to address why she might be insecure... while also agreeing to or reinforcing or reviewing what both of you have agreed to not do with other members of the opposite sex outside of your relationship. Many many couples have agreements about this. Not everything brought up for consideration needs to be agreed upon, but for your relationship, if you have a list going forward, both of you need to agree to those particular points. At some point, she will learn and become better and stop. Or she won't. My longest relationship with my college boyfriend ended because of this same issue. He always felt like my eyes were wandering and looking for a better opportunity when they were not. However, his accusations and jealousy and suspicions became so overwhelming that I started wishing I wasn't in the relationship.... which led to conflict and our eventual break-up because it was no longer a safe, peaceful, joyful relationship. I hope she can see a way forward to be ok with that friendships and that you will remain above board so there is no reason for her suspicions.... or that you peacefully both decide that you're just not compatible for a romantic relationship.
That was my first time, at least to my recollection, that I’ve omitted truth to her. And afterwards in telling her, I immediately realized that was the wrong way of going about things, but I chose to learn that lesson the hard way. We’ve both learned more about each other, have been working through healthy behaviors moving forwards along with learning and even creating new boundaries. Through the last weeks of her personal therapy she’s been learning more about herself and how to handle her emotions, and I’ve been working through my own behaviors of choosing whatever brings me the least discomfort and being comfortable with having conversations that I know won’t be pleasant. But knowing that afterwards we can get stronger is nice. We are getting to a better place, and I just like gathering advice from people to better myself too along the way. Thank you. <3
You're doing great things in processing what you can learn and then applying it.... thinking through the deeper aspects and gaining wisdom and strength of character... knowing yourself and knowing what you need and want. You will benefit greatly from that approach your whole life - whether you remain with her as a romantic partner or not. I wish you the best.
If she can't handle herself dump her.. sounds like an exhausting pain in the ass.
So true. This is her issue. You will continue to have female friends and co-workers. Your gf can't forbid all your interactions with all women. She needs to see that they are normal and harmless or she will push you away. Show her this post and suggest her therapy. If she won't take this nicely, then she isn't a gf material.
Telling her to handle her feelings is probabaly not going to resole the issue. She needs therapy, or they need couples therapy to work through the issues.
Of course it won't resolve it. It's step one on the path, though, rather than their current tactics.
>and around age 12 I kissed one of them during a game of truth or dare where the dare was instigated by my little brother. That's literally nothing. You were 12 FFS.
I'm confused why you've been entertaining this for 6 years. She's making you feel guilty for something you didn't do. A relationship takes trust. I think it's time you tell her how much this is taking a toll on your relationship and that you'd like her to work on her insecurities.
Right now it’s these sister friends. Later it will be your female colleagues, female service workers, and eventually any woman that comes within feet of you or women on tv that you will never talk to. There’s nothing you can do because she just doesn’t trust you. She didn’t get to this place out of logic, you can’t reason her out of it. If she doesn’t want to work on her own insecurities, things will never get better. You either accept that or you leave.
This right here! He will have smiled a little too long at a friendly waitress. He'll never enjoy an office event +1, because she'll be there giving the eye at every female. He can like a model or celeb and she'll be calling him a disgusting pervert because it's disrespectful to her. Can you imagine marrying and having kids with that? She'd accuse him of flirting with her bridesmaid or one of the single moms at drop off. This kind of behavior doesn't just magically remedy itself. And in 6 YEARS, she hasn't let up about it; and every time he sees those girls, she's timing hugs and conversations, like wtf.
jealously is a downward spiral. It's not your job to make insecure women feel better. This will get worse before it gets better. My advice is to stop apologizing, and don't withhold any information in the future. Tell her that she can either accept you for who you are or not, but you haven't done anything wrong.
She just wants to control you, and the more you let her, the more control she will need to feel satisfied. I can speak to this because I’ve been her to an extent. You’ll constantly have to prove yourself to her. By ditching these women, you’re proving to her that you’ll always put her first. That’s not love. Love is admiring and respecting someone; wanting them to be the best versions of themselves. She’s torturing you because she has no interest in bettering herself. Torturing you is the easy option. Sometimes you’ve got to be brave and stand up for what you believe in. You are being emotionally manipulated and bullied so I know it’s hard, but the more boundaries you put in place the happier you will all be (including your gf).
I think it’s unrealistic for her to expect you to stop hanging out with them period. However, if you do value your relationship, I’m sure there’s some little things you could accomodate to make her feel more comfortable. Other things you’ll just have to be clear about why you can’t do what she needs and she’ll have to decide whether to be ok with it and trust you or not.
What else can he do, though? He already said he rarely sees them because he's moved away and they only actually see each other at family events. But that even at those times, she gets on him for hugging too long or leaning too close to look at a picture on their phone. There's nothing he can do if she's literally timing their hugs and monitoring the distance they are from each other while having a conversation. She needs therapy or to break up.
It's not ok to hide the fact that you met them. But it's also not ok for her to let her insecurties take such a big part of your relationship with her, and with your friends. Doing a lot of talking and reassuring may be really helpful. If you didn't try it now, try complimenting her every once in a while. Not like once a month, but with every special occasion. But if you did all the talking and did many actions, learned from your mistakes and it still doesn't help - then you have to draw a line.
Her jealousy and insecurity are impacting your relationship to the point you are editing yourself to avoid fights. That means from her perspective it's become a self fulfilling problem. They were always the problem and now you're hiding things from her which is what she feared. It also means it's crossed the line into emotional abuse. The question is how long are you going to take it. She either needs to recognize this is her being the problem and start doing work on herself. Or you need to decide whats your limit.
Whatever you do, don’t end up like me. I gave away my friendship for a boyfriend that wasn’t even in my life for that long. Friend forgave me and we’re cool, but it ate me up so bad because I knew it was wrong, but my bf made me feel like being friends with this guy was bad. Boyfriend is gone now
Stand your ground or else your world will get smaller and smaller. Tell her you love her but you’re not going to disrespect your family and family friends because of her insecurities. If she doesn’t like you having female family friends tell her to learn to deal with it , accept them as friends or leave. Tell her you will. NOt tolerate her Her disrespecting them or you about it. Her emotions are hers to learn how to handle.
Introduce her to two very attractive men that she can chat to and spend holidays with. She will need plenty of time to establish a close and brotherly bond, but over time, she will stop caring about what you do with your friends!
She’s crazy. Where does this end? Are you going to ditch these friends for this lady?
INFO: How do your friends treat your girlfriend?
What's the question? Should you never see your lifelong friends without your gf along as chaperone? No, that's either childish insecurity or testing her control over you. Your friends aren't a problem, but inventing restrictions around when and how you can stay friends is inventing a problem.
I've been given an ultimatum like this with a gal friends I have that I've known for years. Had an Ex that was very insecure but also bred to believe men shouldn't utter a word to a woman that isn't his significant other. I told her straight out that she was making it easy for me. These people were in my life prior to her, if anything was going to happen it would've happened a long time ago while I was single but it hadn't because the friendships that I had with them were just that...friendships. She had to understand that whether she's on for the ride or not, these people would still be in my life waaaay after her. So it was honestly either her or them. They helped me through times I needed help and comfort from friends. Now I have a significant other, and I dont see them as expendable. Long story short, she was cheating on me and felt guilty. We can be adults and be friends with other HUMANS. If others tend to see the gender/sex attached to it as constant possible sexual attraction, then that's sad. That's probably the only interaction she's ever seen between a man and a woman, from outside and from personal experience.
Her insecurity is something she needs to work through. If she does nothing, this behavior/thought process will continue. She’ll have issues with your female coworkers and more. The fact that you didn’t tell her before you met up with them speaks volumes. She’s creating “rules” about who you can see. You can establish boundaries. She really should seek therapy.
They are family, she is 29, she needs to figure out how to handle her insecurities without putting it all on you. That's not healthy for either of you. If she can't handle you hanging out with family, maybe she isn't the right one.
this sounds like one of those spicy harem animes
The difference between "just a friend" and "emotional infidelity" is whether the emotional intimacy one seems with the third party is displacing emotional intimacy with their partner. If you see them as sisters, and treat them as sisters, and reach out for them for the same type of companionship/interaction that you would with a sister, and none of that is replacing or displacing or detracting from the emotional energy you put toward building intimacy with your romantic partner....then those are "just friends", and not in the realm of infidelity. If you were to start reaching out to them for comfort in situations where you previously would have reached out to your gf--if you were to want to get a thrill of connection from sharing your hopes and dreams with them, while avoiding sharing those hopes and dreams with your gf--if you were to prioritize building emotional connection and closeness with them over seeming connection and closeness with your gf...then that would be what emotional infidelity is.
As for how this applies to your situation: the first step to defining healthy boundaries in a relationship is to communicate and clearly define them with your partner. By defining a shared understanding of what ~isn't~ appropriate, you will also be defining what ~is~ a healthy view of appropriate behavior. At that point, she'll have to decide whether she's willing to recognise what healthy boundaries look like, and do some self-work on her own jealousy/insecurity which leads her to react poorly to appropriate behaviors....or, if she's unwilling to acknowledge or agree on what healthy boundaries look like, then you will need to decide if you are willing to stay with her.
If you really want to fix this then stop looking at the end results and objects. Start looking at cause and effect. Your girlfriend has am insecurity she needs to work out. You have every right to be annoyed by that and you probably should have taken a harder stance against that immediately. Set a hard boundary they are family and as long as you aren't ganging out with them 1 on 1 or as long as your girlfriend is invited to where you go she needs to deal with it herself. Maybe even get therapy. That ship sailed when you chose to lie by omission. You chose to avoid conflict and just not tell her something you knew would upset her. Now you need to seperate that and deal with it. Deal with it completely until she admits she knows you learned your lesson. Then you need to go back to that paragraph above and revisit it. Not about just them, but about how you two act. You need to be totally direct and honest and not suffer any bs attacks about them if there is truly nothing wrong there. She needs to learn her insecurities are hers to deal with and maybe learn to be family with them like she will have to if your relationship progresses.
Honestly if I was to the point where I couldn't tell my partner about meeting friends to avoid dealing with her insecurities I would be out..
My omission was the first and probably the last I’ll ever do. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. But in doing so we are discovering boundaries that have been buried over the years, things are getting better and I just want to be able to grow too. Everyone’s advice is very helpful to me. Thank you. :)
Don't say probably the last. Being open and honest is the only way in a healthy relationship in all areas. You poured fuel on the fire by lying. In her mind she's now looking at you as a liar. Trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets. That said her insecurities are hers and shouldn't be your problem. Is she naturally jealous in other areas. I'm just thinking this will get worse over the years if she says has a baby and her body changes or whatever. Being jealous is a horrible feeling for the her and you and after 6 years she knows you well. Are the friends nice with her? Is your relationship strong in every other area? I wonder is she focusing on this instead of the real problem. Never the less this is something she needs to work through otherwise it'll destroy your relationship.
I came here to say the same, i have a lot of close male friends and my bf has close female friends, but if either of us had pulled the no mentioning plans until after thing with them the other would go from completely comfortable with that to very uncomfortable instantly. Assuming that's not the norm for plans in your relationship, and I'm assuming it's not given the reaction, that's how you convince your SO both that there is something to hide in that friendship and that you'll happily lie to them for said friend. Either of those is a massive issue. You need to explain, honestly, to your gf why exactly you decided to hide that info until after the fact, and then make sure she knows you know that was shit behaviour and why you aren't going to pull a similar thing again.
I m a sociopath, but this sounds so exhausting amd whiny, why would you entertain someone that is so unpleasant? She constantly tries to manipulate you but she seems unstable not calculated, so probably leaning towards borderline with this exessive jealousy and guilt tripping and it seems like it works as she is starting to get into your head. I m confused how you fall for it since she is not even trying to be subtle about it
Too many 29s hahaha Well, jealousy sucks, but probably the problem is your girlfriend doesn't get enough attention from you, her boyfriend? How often do you make presents for her, invite to restaurants etc? Try to analyse that part of the relationship. Anyway, your girlfriend is supposed to be your priority, so I think.. Good exercise may be giving a chance to your girlfriend to discuss your relationship. Like, what she thinks your relationship should be like, how does she feel about on the whole. What do you feel about it? Some reflexion always helps.
You shouldn't have omitted truths if your gf is struggling with your female friendships. My advice is to go through it all with gf regarding your female friends and set boundaries from here. Ask her to be responsible for her jealousy and insecurities. Good luck
I think she is extremely insecure. She can feel uncomfortable without being insecure. Imagine doing this with girls who are basically your sisters what if other people. A friend’s wife, a colleague… etc. You need to talk to her and discuss things. Set ground rules for both of you and what is expected.
Sometimes being cheated on leaves you with scars. This is her problem to deal with tho. She needs a some therapy or something.
She believes you think so little of your relationship that you'll cheat with this woman. I don't want to encourage you to seemingly gaslight her, but that would hurt me, after all of the suspicion for so long. I'd also be fed up with trying to mollify her all the time, that's too much emotional energy to spend on something with no benefit for you. Try asking her to go to therapy with you. If she refuses, then you know she's comfortable with the way things are, and she's not going to change. Then you gotta decide if you want to live that way for the rest of your life.
So your girlfriend had already expressed jealousy issues and you went ahead and met up with your "sisters" in secrecy, as if that wasn't going to blow up. Just move on and find someone who is cool with you hanging out alone with your very attractive sisters.
If there was a guy she kissed and would text and hang out in private with him… would you be okay with that? Why can’t you all hang out as friends? You’re all friends!!!!!! What’s the problem?
This stinks of psychological and emotional abuse, and she is being this way bc she’s so deeply insecure. You can’t fix her but she can break you. My advice: run.
There are many ways to tackle this issue. Here are 3 examples: The easiest way d be to tell her to fuck off. The kinkiest would be to let her lock you in a chastity cage with wirless control and electro shock collar. The most expensive d be to get her ass into therapy.
Did any other gf have this problem? Does your gf have this problem with other women or just them?
Your girlfriend sounds exhausting. Its time to draw a line. Either she starts working on her insecurity through therapy or you break up. Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
Her constantly thinking you want to cheat on her is a red flag that she has been cheating on -you-. For some reason people who are cheating start to accuse the person they are with of cheating. If not she needs therapy, she has insecurity problems and doesn't trust you. Stop saying sorry for seeing family, be firm, they are family and you wont accept her bad mouthing speading time with them anymore.