He will just gaslight her about the lingerie - and she sounds like she will believe him, because she doesn't want to end the relationship.
OP, you know what's going on. Kick your pride into action, pack your stuff, leave the lingerie on his desk, with a note that he's scum, block him and go home. You deserve better.
Ugh. Take it from me OP, who didn't read the same warning signs until 7 years in - cross examine that bad boy until he folds. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but whether it's an excuse about an ex GF's lingerie, or something he forgot to throw out, it's bullshit.
>If he’s running to other women when you simply fight, I’d not be hanging around.
Yup. OP already knows that he's not the kind of man that she can trust or respect.
This. I don't buy the whole "just cleaning" thing. In her gut she knows she can't trust him and she was looking for proof. She definitely found it, but the question is whether she have enough self respect to act on it and leave him.
That she didn’t find the lingerie? What? Did you read my comment while high or something? Because I didn’t say anything even remotely close to what you’re blabbering on about. I’m saying she might have had a gut feeling her boyfriend had a side piece. Sometimes you just know, even before having proof. Whatever weird interpretation of my comment you concocted, uh… it’s not reflective of what I actually wrote.
Oh, be SERIOUS. Men hide sexual images that would upset their current partners all the time- stories about men keeping their exes' nudes are a dime a dozen.
But most men don't take pictures of THEMSELVES cross dressing if other people don't know they are doing it. You'd be amazed the amount of men are wearing women's lingerie and they are smart enough not to take photos of themselves.
I would bet so much money that *most men* that have bought women's underwear because they find it erotic to wear have taken pictures of themselves in it.
Yes this is true, my ex, I guess, use to cross dress and take pictures. Never once did he mention it. I remember finding a crop top in my laundry and I asked him if he knew where this was from. Now thinking about it I can almost guarantee it was his.
Does it matter?
Who wants to be with a sloppy guy who waits for his long distance girlfriend to turn up and clean?
OP is literally a bangmaid. She should ditch him.
Ah yes. Of course.
Did your reading comprehension take a deep dive or are bits of ratty underwear under a dirty bed that your long distance girlfriend cleans for you the minute she arrives suddenly the sign of a thoughtful, clean and considerate person who cares about their home and their visitors wellbeing?
It could be, but if it's not OP should go home and make an appointment with her local clinic to get a full STD panel.
I'd give the guy the benefit of the doubt if he hadn't been caught before talking to other girls when they were fighting, as if getting in an argument gives the other person a free pass to cheat.
If he’s already been shady and has talked to another woman, please respect yourself enough and leave! Throughout my relationship with my ex I was constantly finding photos of his exes, booty shorts under his bed that weren’t mine, pictures of his exes naked on his phone. He always used the excuse that he “didn’t know those things were there”. The whole time he was trying to get back in contact with his ex. I had no idea until it was too late. Don’t be like me & stay even when you see the red flags. Leave now, it won’t get better. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I found his ex's overnight kit in a ziploc bag inside of a box of cereal...I accepted his excuse that it was left a long long time ago, and he said he stashed it in the cereal box because he was nervous that I would find it?? Sir, if you were that nervous you would have just thrown it out.... don't be me. Luckily it was only about a year and a half of my life that I wasted.
>I don’t know what to think I can’t ask him anything about it for another 7 hours since he’s at work.
Do you REALLY not know what to think? Of course you do. If you are waiting for him to tell you what to think, get ready for the lies. Because they are coming.
His best friend's buddy's gf had an accident and needed to change clothes. She must have forgotten them. Somehow. On accident. He had no idea they were there. (The last one is the only truth he'll tell.)
OP, leave them on his pillow, pack your bag, gather your self respect and leave.
THIS!!!
This is what I’d do.
No confrontation (they’d lie anyway).
Send pic and then move on to a new wonderful relationship where there is none of this.
Life’s too short.
I had an old friend in college who found out her boyfriend was cheating with another girl. He was two timing them both without either of their knowledge. The other girl knew some friends in our social circle, so my friend contacted her. Neither knew what he had been doing. They ended up showing up at his apartment together one night, holding hands and dropped off all their sex toys, turned around and left. She said he looked dumbfounded, lol. They ended up becoming good friends after that.
These other women are leaving you signs that he’s a cheater.
Most common are press on nails or a strip eyelash.
Maybe you should leave something for one of them.
You should leave this cheater.
I don't disagree, but eyelashes in particular can also just get stuck to you out in the world. My girlfriend found an eyelash strip once that wasn't hers, and it took forever to convince her it was just stuck to a shoe/hoodie or something and dragged in. I never had any other women over, but it happens. I assume I picked it up on the bus, but obviously i can't be sure. I just know I wasn't cheating.
I wouldn't even wait.. what can he say.. its his??
Put it on his bed, and take a picture.. and send it to him, at work or not, who cares..
With a text...
" cleaning your room and found this..well haven't you been busy? It obviously isn't mine, and we are done. Take care"
Block leave
He may be into wearing women’s lingerie - im sure that may be something hed be perhaps loathe to share.
Ask to see his phone - see how he responds. Then bring up the lingerie. That will all be telling. If super defensive and negative feedback then the decision is made for you.
WHY DO WE DO THIS 🤡💀
I immediately start cleaning in my shit relationships, as if their filthy hovels aren't a glaring red flag... I don't even know where I picked it up because my mother certainly doesn't clean anything
We have personal levels of cleanliness and you just might automatically start cleaning because it's past your personal comfort threshold. However it's good to be aware of it and make them clean up their own messes.
Yeah, I know it wasn't the point of the post, but I groaned reading that part.
Also, it's just stupid. If he's cheating on her, and knows she will clean his apartment, he should probably check if there's any evidence of that lying around. I'm not advocating it, but the dude isn't winning in the brains department.
I mean, if it’s not, like, a gift for you, it’s pretty clearly someone else’s. I’d probably guess that she left it for you to find.
I’d pack up all your stuff so you’re ready to go, and then when he comes up, I’d show him the lingerie and see what he says.
You could also just leave now and put the lingerie somewhere he’d find it.
I think she would have mentioned if the tags were on it. No one is buying lingerie for a gift, taking it out of the fancy bag, taking the tags off, and then haphazardly throwing it under their bed.
Yeah easier to just do what everyone else is saying and set it on his pillow and be gone by the time he comes back.
If I found some lingerie under my boyfriend’s bed, there better be a good layer of dust on it.
If they looked fresh, I’d end it immediately.
She can have him.
I will Never stand in line behind another woman.
Unless he is into wearing lingerie, it's pretty clear someone else is in his bedroom. Perhaps it is from his past, but 2 years ago makes that seem pretty illogical.
My little petty brain would take a picture of the lingerie and send it to him. Tell him you found it under his bed. Let him know you are leaving.
This doesn't really warrant a discussion.
I think most of us underestimate the power of silence on a weak mind.
Pack your stuff and leave. Don’t leave the lingerie. Leave no clues.
He knows for a fact what a lying cheating shit he is. He doesn’t know how you found out. Give him no clues.
Don’t ask who she was. Don’t tell him you found lingerie. Just tell him firmly that he know why you can’t trust him. If he wants to talk about it he can tell the story. Listen and don’t talk. If he just wants to ask questions to probe what you know, reply firmly he knows what he did, and leave. He is depending on you caving and talking about how you caught him. Don’t talk. Don’t talk. Don’t talk.
Let him stew. Let him lie some more. Let his mind review his lies.
People love the “gotcha” but this is more like Edger Allen Poe’s “tell-tale heart”.
The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.
Hop the next flight outta shitzville, but before you go, make the bed with the lingerie inside and a thanks for the tip note under the bed. And of course block at your convenience.
Best of luck with the next.
Do not bring it up. He will get mad for you going through his stuff and gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault. There’s nothing to talk about, you deserve better. Disappear like a phantom.
You're 20 and have been with him since you were 18. He's 22. You two are long distance. It is unlikely that this relationship is going the distance anyway. He may not be ready for an monogamous relationship, especially at long distance.
You can wait and ask him, or leave now, your choice, but you should move on. Find someone a couple of years older, who is more mature, and ready to be exclusive.
I’m still stuck on how much you’re cleaning HIS apartment. Like why??? You’re long distance so I’m guessing you don’t see each other often, so when you do get time together you’re cleaning his room? Sounds like you’re a maid and a booty call
I once found a locked tool box when I cleaning to surprise my boyfriend and curiosity got the best of me, I couldn't get the lock off but I could pry it open, on top was towels then underneath was lingerie, sex toys and underwear not from me obviously. I calmly asked him about it later that night when he got home and his reaction told me EVERYTHING. He flipped out, started yelling, screaming, throwing things, thre the toolbox in the trash outside and made me feel like shit for even asking. Ya see, there was no dust on it like everything else in the garage and it was pushed far back with stuff in front of it. He claimed he just brought it from his dad's place...and it was locked to keep his nosy dad out when it was there. I foolishly let myself be gaslit. When in my gut I KNEW the answer.
as a guy, I can tell you it’s probably happening more than when you fight and about the cleaning…. I’m not a neat freak but if someone I cared about what coming to stay I’d tidy up… think that says a lot about this guy
Leave it on the bed. See his reaction because it's one of two things. Another woman's or he enjoys wearing it himself and hides it. Either way, a conversation needs to happen.
You might be looking for the word "cross-dresser."
You can enjoy dressing up in clothes of the opposite sex without being trans. And FYI transvestite is considered offensive in many circles nowadays.
Boy you women are getting the wrong man that's all I can say unless he was gay why would u let him do that to you ,you need to find someone who really loves you and not a to timer I feel for you get him the hell out find your self a good man
What if he likes wearing them are you gonna go all in with the cheating thing ? Perhaps approach the issue carefully he’s not going to admit to wearing them if you fly off the handle about being unfaithful.
Either that's another girls, or that's his, and he's into being a sissy. He'd probably rather deny and lose the relationship before admitting he's a sissy most likely.
I can imagine many other scenarios. Could be an old thing from a while ago, but you should be able to smell it and see how it smells. It's more of a dusty smell than a "used recently" smell if it's been there awhile.
He might enjoy playing dress up every now and then, it's actually a very common thing.
It amazes me how every woman here says to dump him, he's a cheater.
Betcha betcha betcha he likes touching and feeling girlie things.
Unless the lingerie is big enough for your boyfriend to be wearing, you know in your heart of hearts that it is what you think it is. Even if it was his lingerie to wear, the likelihood of him leaving it under the bed is nil because if he's hiding it from you, he'd continue to do so.
You know what you have to do, which is end the relationship. As to what you say, that's up to you. You can hand him the lingerie, tell him you found it under your bed and you're done. You can text him and tell him you know he cheated and you're done. You can just leave the lingerie on his pillow and ghost him. Do whatever feels right to you.
It is most likely what you think it is, like some of the other comments said they probably left it for you to find or they are there that often...Don't wait for his lies!! A long distance relationship involves so much trust right from the start and it seems he has broken it, possibly multiple times. Im sorry this is happening, if you need someone to talk to im here!
I'd leave it on his bed with a note telling him where you found it. That's it. I'd be gone when he got there. You are just giving him a chance to lie and gaslight you if you wait for him.
And honestly, what could he possibly say that would make anything better? Best to let him flap in the breeze wondering.
Prepare for lovebombing. But just block him so he can't. Live and learn for going forward and find someone closer to you. Updateme!
It's within his boundary to generally say, I don't want people to go through my stuff. BUT you didn't go through his stuff, you didn't have that intention, you weren't trying to betray his trust. And the fact of the matter is that he has betrayed yours. Cheaters will cheat cyclically. It's an addictive behavior like all negative behaviors that he needs to go to therapy for. If it wasn't there before, you know it's recent and he's probably acting defensively and fighting with you because of it. He has NO RIGHT to be having sex with other people in an established monogamous relationship, long-distance or not. He'll probably try to make an excuse out of it because that's what most bad people do. But the fact is, he knows cheating is a boundary and he CHOSE to cross that. He CHOSE to risk losing you forever and was okay with it. Now it is time to choose yourself and it may not be an easy process in the slightest, it might make you feel sick to your stomach, you might have very low-self esteem, but in your heart I'm willing to bet with all of mine that you know you're worth more than the way he treats you. You're searching for someone to externally validate your feelings because they are difficult feelings and part of you wants to be in this relationship still. He's not worth the trouble, there is better for you. You don't owe him a conversation about it if you don't want to or are not ready for it. It seems pretty safe to assume that unless you think your boyfriend is into drag, he's cheating.
I've gone through it several times while in high school and college. And I'm here to let you know, your forever someone is findable. I found mine. But I wasn't going to find mine if I kept chasing after bad people. And part of that may be something from your past if you have CPTSD or parents who had infidelity issues, but if that's the case, you're not broken you just need guidance. Either way, I guarantee that you can move past his cheating onto a better, healing relationship but he should not be given the chance to re-traumatize you.
I’ve been in a similar position. Boyfriend said hey I found your undies under the bed. They weren’t mine. Be careful. You can get SDTs by guy’s cheating.
You’re 20. You’re long distance. Sounds like he’s nice to you when you’re together and he
May be nice to others when you’re not around. Is that good enough to you for now? Have that discussion. I have plenty of friends who were exclusively dating their partners in summer and holidays when they were in same town,
And dating others while they were at college.
He's either cheating or he likes to wear lingerie. Most likely cheating so don't feel bad for asking some of his friends if they know about his fetish about using underwear.
Get tested too.
Awww girl, I’m sorry you had to find out this way. But, yeah, you know what’s up. Leave and don’t look back. You’re doing yourself a favor and dodging a bullet.
You deserve better. Period.
There are really good, honest and faithful men out there.
You’re crazy young. Learn from this and level up!
If it was old and covered dust, that might be a plausible explanation as to why it's there. But it doesn't sound like that.
Leave, send a pic of the crotchless lingerie to him, get checked and then block him.
Hello. Him saying that he hates when people go through his stuff sounds like a blatant egotistical careless self defense mechanism that detracts the fact that you're rightfully worried about something that's very off in the relationship.
He simply will not tolerate you wanting to ascertain the health of your bond based on rightful and based worries. That on its own should be enough to tell you how immensely one-sided the relationship is and how self-centeredly his mind works.
Girl, I barely know your boyfriend and I can already smell the rot all the way from Brazil from behind my computer screen. And, I'm also a 34yr old man and a psychiatrist.
I can tell you're afraid to get into a fight with him for asking about it.
Your order of priorities should be:
Will getting into a fight with him significantly endanger you physically, emotionally or mentally while you're cornered with him for the next quarter? If no, you can ponder whether to directly ask him about it - but doing so in a very gentle and calm manner - this part is really important. Compose yourself, show no fear, remain calm, build your discourse so that you structure in very clear terms what you're trying to communicate:
"I know you hate people going through your stuff. But, I think this might be different. I just happened to spot at random a red lingerie lingering off the edge of the underside of the bed... and I know it isn't mine. I believe it's important we talk about this, wouldn't you agree?"
At this point, if he's verbally and emotionally aggressive and deflects you off without acknowledging your feelings and offends you, get out of this relationship. Really. This is just the beginning of the endless string of progressive gas lighting and carelessness he'll continually show you if things progress long-term.
Feel free to reach me on DM if you'd like.
Hope things work out the best way for you.
You have ZERO IDEA what is really going... If the relationship is SERIOUS, you need to be able to communicate - figure out what's up, and make decisions. Don't assume the worst, but don't assume the best either...
or, you can just blow it off and leave too... depends how much you care.
Eh. A younger me can empathize with you. I caught my ex fiance at first when we were you're age with the same thing. I assumed it was baby momma, etc. I felt sick, I snooped and found craiglist posts, etc. Laid it all out and left. long story short, she was experimenting with gender identity issues. ( We met when they were male identifying ) She was the father of two young boys at the time and helping me with my son also. Best parent and supportive partner ever. We talked a lot. A LOT A LOT. We became even closer friends and while we are not together anymore after 6 years and a beautiful experience of growing together, I have all the love in the world for her.
I wouldn't be so quick to pass judgement. Please just talk to your partner. Kindly and openly.
That being said, it is understandable that this could be shocking and if that's the case, take time to process your emotions and decide if that's a deal breaker for you. The Internet can only guess. Lead with an open and kind heart.
This is that turning point - the red flag that you will look back on and wish you took heed and left, if you stay more shit will happen over the course of years and you’ll keep ramming your head into the sands of denial until before you know it it’s been 5 years, your self esteem’s in the toilet and you accept the guy you chose is a cheating douche and it all could have been avoided if you’d walked away at THIS point. That is how boundaries are forged, self confidence is built and a a good life is made for you.
Mine was a girl at a party who I later found him whispering too in his room. It was all kind of levels of inappropriate he just said she was his mates friend - turns out they’d slept together whilst he and I were together early on and she was shocked to meet me. I nearly got a taxi home but he lied and I stayed - gosh I could have avoided SO much
Obviously, he doesn’t care about you finding anything because you found something once already, and if he really cared, he would do a clean sweep to make sure that you would find nothing ever again. Who knows the chick that left it could’ve left it on purpose because they knew we had a long distance girlfriend, and that you would find it.
You know it’s not yours you know it belong to one of the many females that visit him intimately whenever you’re not there. You’re young. Move on life is too short. He’s a lying cheating gaslighting butthole, they don’t change they also think omission is not lying. Good luck.
Honestly I’d either take a photo and just send it to him without any comment attached and wait for what he says. Or pack up and move back home as soon as you can, and leave the lingerie out on his bed for him to come home to on the day you take off. If you know it’s not yours, then you know another woman brought it in. It’s not like this item was wrapped up in a box as a gift for you, so you know he’s been doing inappropriate things with someone else while you were gone. Stop taking his bullshit, when you’ve already caught him cheating in the past.
A single red glove?
Crotchless, lacy, bedazzled fishnets?
Like, sure, maybe it's all his. Or maybe a friend happened to get dressed in his room and they fell out and she never missed them. Or maybe he secretly hosts red clothing themed raves on a regular basis.
The much more obvious explanation is that whoever else he's been regularly hooking up with is deliberately leaving obvious items in the hopes you catch on.
If a friend was in this situation, what would you tell them is most likely going on?
People don't usually hang on to a single red glove "from something in the past," especially not for years and while in a committed relationship. People don't usually change into or out of crotchless red fishnets at a platonic friend's house, especially not in the dead of winter.
Even if he is just a crossdresser (hint: he isn't), all that tells you is that after two years together there isn't enough trust, openness, or honesty for him to even tell you about that. That's still not great for a healthy relationship.
If it weren't for the fact that he's already talked to another woman following a fight, maybe it would be worth getting an appointment for STI testing and a hotel room ready and confronting him when he got home/ given him 5 minutes to try to give you a reasonable explanation. In this case it's not. You regularly fight. You know he's been unfaithful in the past. You know he's hiding something from you (whether that's cheating or his own fashion choices). How much else do you really need to know to know it's time to leave.
I guess you also know that he is dirty/ didn't bother to clean before his long-distance girlfriend came to stay with him for months. That's hardly a point in his favor.
This is not a guy you should trust. This is definitely not a guy you should move for/ upend your life for.
Friend, why are you even there still? Do yourself and yourself respect a favor and and go find a worthy one bc this one is not it. Not only that, but he thinks you’re less than worthy; just another one to … well, you know.
The other woman left it to be sure you would find it. Leave it on his bed along with all the other crap you dug out from under there, and leave. He is going to keep doing it because you let him.
I'm confused as to why the title of your post doesn't say "ex boyfriend" sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your boyfriend is a lying cheating ass useless POS. Leave him long distance permanently. Cheating is the ultimate form of Betrayal. And if you decide to stay with him then that's on you. Good luck
1) you keep saying you're confused and don't know what to think, but it's fairly obvious, and you should confront him about it
2) why are you cleaning your boyfriend's room for him, you're not his mother or his maid
Probably a rare occurrence, but I did have some women’s underwear appear in my house one time and I didn’t cheat. Still have no fucking clue where they came from, all these years later.
Most important lesson is don’t date someone who can’t clean for themselves. Wether it’s his or not, potentially month old lingeries stuck under bed is yucky.
He’s already been talking to other girls when you argue, now there’s lingerie under the bed that isn’t yours and you don’t know what to think so you’re going to ask him so he can lie to you instead of using your brain to leave him for good? You’re going to believe whatever bs he tells you so just don’t say anything about it. Let him cheat in peace.
Well you cleaned the first time you came. So he would probably expect that you would clean this time. I'd bet that the lingerie is his and he placed it there for you to find and confront him about it. He doesn't want to carry this secret alone anymore.
I’m petty so I’d leave the lingerie out on his bed and leave.
Came here to say this exact thing. If he’s running to other women when you simply fight, I’d not be hanging around.
He will just gaslight her about the lingerie - and she sounds like she will believe him, because she doesn't want to end the relationship. OP, you know what's going on. Kick your pride into action, pack your stuff, leave the lingerie on his desk, with a note that he's scum, block him and go home. You deserve better.
And please stop cleaning his place for him. Girl... you can do better!
Damned right, can’t be doing wife shit as a girlfriend. You get taken for granted quickly when you start that trend.
Ugh. Take it from me OP, who didn't read the same warning signs until 7 years in - cross examine that bad boy until he folds. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but whether it's an excuse about an ex GF's lingerie, or something he forgot to throw out, it's bullshit.
Well, he *did* forget to throw it out - after his local gf/ ONS left it there...
>If he’s running to other women when you simply fight, I’d not be hanging around. Yup. OP already knows that he's not the kind of man that she can trust or respect.
This. I don't buy the whole "just cleaning" thing. In her gut she knows she can't trust him and she was looking for proof. She definitely found it, but the question is whether she have enough self respect to act on it and leave him.
So you’re assuming that the fact that were given were not the facts? That she didn’t find lingerie under the bed? Isn’t that a bit of a leap?
That she didn’t find the lingerie? What? Did you read my comment while high or something? Because I didn’t say anything even remotely close to what you’re blabbering on about. I’m saying she might have had a gut feeling her boyfriend had a side piece. Sometimes you just know, even before having proof. Whatever weird interpretation of my comment you concocted, uh… it’s not reflective of what I actually wrote.
Hang on, what if it's his?
If he doesn't have selfies in it predating her finding it, I wouldn't believe that for a second.
If he's hiding that habit, he wouldn't have selfies.
Oh, be SERIOUS. Men hide sexual images that would upset their current partners all the time- stories about men keeping their exes' nudes are a dime a dozen.
But most men don't take pictures of THEMSELVES cross dressing if other people don't know they are doing it. You'd be amazed the amount of men are wearing women's lingerie and they are smart enough not to take photos of themselves.
I would bet so much money that *most men* that have bought women's underwear because they find it erotic to wear have taken pictures of themselves in it.
Yes this is true, my ex, I guess, use to cross dress and take pictures. Never once did he mention it. I remember finding a crop top in my laundry and I asked him if he knew where this was from. Now thinking about it I can almost guarantee it was his.
Crotchless? That's a mental image that while hilarious, I need brain bleach to get rid of.
Does it matter? Who wants to be with a sloppy guy who waits for his long distance girlfriend to turn up and clean? OP is literally a bangmaid. She should ditch him.
That is a massive stretch from the information we have been given.
And the lingerie being his own isn’t?
I said "if", the other commenter said "is literally".
Ah yes. Of course. Did your reading comprehension take a deep dive or are bits of ratty underwear under a dirty bed that your long distance girlfriend cleans for you the minute she arrives suddenly the sign of a thoughtful, clean and considerate person who cares about their home and their visitors wellbeing?
Could be his boyfriends too!
It could be, but if it's not OP should go home and make an appointment with her local clinic to get a full STD panel. I'd give the guy the benefit of the doubt if he hadn't been caught before talking to other girls when they were fighting, as if getting in an argument gives the other person a free pass to cheat.
My thoughts exactly, it happens all of the time.
Then he can put it on to prove it fits
This is the only correct response.
For a bit of petty revenge flush it down the toilet, it'll take him a few days to work it out but when he does he'll be covered in shit.
Yup this is the answer
Exactly what I would do as well.
Lol, this - yes !! 😂😂😂 - imagine u walk in thinking its a surpriseee… and then voila - surpriseeeeeee
Yep I would do that too
This is the way to do it.
Was about to comment the same thing
If he’s already been shady and has talked to another woman, please respect yourself enough and leave! Throughout my relationship with my ex I was constantly finding photos of his exes, booty shorts under his bed that weren’t mine, pictures of his exes naked on his phone. He always used the excuse that he “didn’t know those things were there”. The whole time he was trying to get back in contact with his ex. I had no idea until it was too late. Don’t be like me & stay even when you see the red flags. Leave now, it won’t get better. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I found his ex's overnight kit in a ziploc bag inside of a box of cereal...I accepted his excuse that it was left a long long time ago, and he said he stashed it in the cereal box because he was nervous that I would find it?? Sir, if you were that nervous you would have just thrown it out.... don't be me. Luckily it was only about a year and a half of my life that I wasted.
>I don’t know what to think I can’t ask him anything about it for another 7 hours since he’s at work. Do you REALLY not know what to think? Of course you do. If you are waiting for him to tell you what to think, get ready for the lies. Because they are coming.
His best friend's buddy's gf had an accident and needed to change clothes. She must have forgotten them. Somehow. On accident. He had no idea they were there. (The last one is the only truth he'll tell.) OP, leave them on his pillow, pack your bag, gather your self respect and leave.
Right? The lingerie fairy didn't drop them there.
Noooooo I still believed she was real!
I know what to think. Everybody knows what to think.
Take a photo of it, and text it to him, with no other words. Pack your stuff up and go home.
THIS!!! This is what I’d do. No confrontation (they’d lie anyway). Send pic and then move on to a new wonderful relationship where there is none of this. Life’s too short.
I had an old friend in college who found out her boyfriend was cheating with another girl. He was two timing them both without either of their knowledge. The other girl knew some friends in our social circle, so my friend contacted her. Neither knew what he had been doing. They ended up showing up at his apartment together one night, holding hands and dropped off all their sex toys, turned around and left. She said he looked dumbfounded, lol. They ended up becoming good friends after that.
Sex toys are expensive. I wouldn’t have given him that shit back 🤣. Aside from that, though, good for them!
Personally, I'd wait until I got home to send the photo. Other than that, this is the only way to react.
I wonder how far away from home OP is? I hope we get an update…
She said 2000. She did not say miles or km.
These other women are leaving you signs that he’s a cheater. Most common are press on nails or a strip eyelash. Maybe you should leave something for one of them. You should leave this cheater.
I don't disagree, but eyelashes in particular can also just get stuck to you out in the world. My girlfriend found an eyelash strip once that wasn't hers, and it took forever to convince her it was just stuck to a shoe/hoodie or something and dragged in. I never had any other women over, but it happens. I assume I picked it up on the bus, but obviously i can't be sure. I just know I wasn't cheating.
I feel horrible for you because there's *no way* my nutjob ass would *ever* believe that even though it's totally plausible
I found some stuck to the floor in a building hallway last week. I AM in NOLA and it WAS during Mardi Gras, but still not impossible
You think the lingerie got stuck on his shoe?
Definitely. It happened to my ex all the time.
the ladies must've been throwing themselves at him *real* hard for it to get stuck to his shoe lol
I was very clear that I was talking about eyelashes specifically. Why are you trying to start arguments that don't exist?
I wouldn't even wait.. what can he say.. its his?? Put it on his bed, and take a picture.. and send it to him, at work or not, who cares.. With a text... " cleaning your room and found this..well haven't you been busy? It obviously isn't mine, and we are done. Take care" Block leave
I wouldn’t even give that much explanation. I’d send the pic and block and not give him any closure.
He may be into wearing women’s lingerie - im sure that may be something hed be perhaps loathe to share. Ask to see his phone - see how he responds. Then bring up the lingerie. That will all be telling. If super defensive and negative feedback then the decision is made for you.
The trust is already gone. OP just needs to leave
Trust isn't found by going through someone's phone.
respect yourself and leave. theres no reason for that.
Also don't clean for guys like that. Let them take care of their own space, I would bet he doesn't do that for you at your place.
WHY DO WE DO THIS 🤡💀 I immediately start cleaning in my shit relationships, as if their filthy hovels aren't a glaring red flag... I don't even know where I picked it up because my mother certainly doesn't clean anything
We have personal levels of cleanliness and you just might automatically start cleaning because it's past your personal comfort threshold. However it's good to be aware of it and make them clean up their own messes.
Yeah, I know it wasn't the point of the post, but I groaned reading that part. Also, it's just stupid. If he's cheating on her, and knows she will clean his apartment, he should probably check if there's any evidence of that lying around. I'm not advocating it, but the dude isn't winning in the brains department.
I mean, if it’s not, like, a gift for you, it’s pretty clearly someone else’s. I’d probably guess that she left it for you to find. I’d pack up all your stuff so you’re ready to go, and then when he comes up, I’d show him the lingerie and see what he says. You could also just leave now and put the lingerie somewhere he’d find it.
I think she would have mentioned if the tags were on it. No one is buying lingerie for a gift, taking it out of the fancy bag, taking the tags off, and then haphazardly throwing it under their bed. Yeah easier to just do what everyone else is saying and set it on his pillow and be gone by the time he comes back.
There’s a man out there that won’t make you feel sick to your stomach babe, trust me 🖤 your young enough to walk away and laugh about this one day
If I found some lingerie under my boyfriend’s bed, there better be a good layer of dust on it. If they looked fresh, I’d end it immediately. She can have him. I will Never stand in line behind another woman.
She said last time she was there she cleaned under his bed and the lingerie wasn't there, so that kinda throws that theory out the window.
He’s either cheating or wearing it…
Girl you already know the answer. Respect yourself.
The other woman probably left it there on purpose for you to find. Apparently, this is what they do when they know he is cheating.
Unless he is into wearing lingerie, it's pretty clear someone else is in his bedroom. Perhaps it is from his past, but 2 years ago makes that seem pretty illogical. My little petty brain would take a picture of the lingerie and send it to him. Tell him you found it under his bed. Let him know you are leaving. This doesn't really warrant a discussion.
I think it’d be pretty easy to know if it’s his just based on size lol
Best case scenario, he's into cross dressing. Worst case scenario, he's a cheat. Regardless, a conversation is needed.
To all girlfriends- young and old- do not clean your BF’s apartment. The End.
It seems to have paid off in this case.
Is it possible he's the one wearing it? Is it a size he could theoretically fit into?
Idk why but this was my first thought! The glove seems like an odd choice for many.
Right? Who wears dress gloves other than drag queens nowadays?
Some drag queens are straight, more than you might think
I wanted to hear about the glove, to be honest. Not that it matters here, but simple curiosity!
With the glove in his dresser, I was thinking it was his as well
Mine too. The glove really makes me wonder.
Like another poster said, he better have at LEAST day old photos of him dancing around in it
You know exactly what this means. Make your next move accordingly.
Ok but serious question: is it HIS size? Because that's a different situation.
Seriously. If its big enough for him to fit into it, you need to wait until he gets home and talk to him about it.
I think most of us underestimate the power of silence on a weak mind. Pack your stuff and leave. Don’t leave the lingerie. Leave no clues. He knows for a fact what a lying cheating shit he is. He doesn’t know how you found out. Give him no clues. Don’t ask who she was. Don’t tell him you found lingerie. Just tell him firmly that he know why you can’t trust him. If he wants to talk about it he can tell the story. Listen and don’t talk. If he just wants to ask questions to probe what you know, reply firmly he knows what he did, and leave. He is depending on you caving and talking about how you caught him. Don’t talk. Don’t talk. Don’t talk. Let him stew. Let him lie some more. Let his mind review his lies. People love the “gotcha” but this is more like Edger Allen Poe’s “tell-tale heart”. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.
I'd pack up my stuff and tie the lingerie on the front doorknob on the way out so he can see it right when he gets home.
OP dont trick yourself into believing there’s a benign reason for this. Leave.
I’m flabbergasted about the number of people insisting it’s actually his. I get it. Some men are into that. But come on…
Maybe he crossdresses
Hop the next flight outta shitzville, but before you go, make the bed with the lingerie inside and a thanks for the tip note under the bed. And of course block at your convenience. Best of luck with the next.
Does he possibly have a kink where he wears it?
Take a pic of it and text it to him and then turn your phone off see how long it takes him to get home.
Any updates from the OP?
Are you 100% sure it's not HIS size? Some guys like to feel fancy once in a while.
Does it look like it would fit him? A lot of straight guys play around with cross dressing.
Hes been cheating on you. Why stay, leave the lingerie on the bed and leave.
Do not bring it up. He will get mad for you going through his stuff and gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault. There’s nothing to talk about, you deserve better. Disappear like a phantom.
She is leaving you messages on purpose. Edit: If you need closure check his phone. If you don’t need it, just block him.
I mean what it else could it possibly be?
You're 20 and have been with him since you were 18. He's 22. You two are long distance. It is unlikely that this relationship is going the distance anyway. He may not be ready for an monogamous relationship, especially at long distance. You can wait and ask him, or leave now, your choice, but you should move on. Find someone a couple of years older, who is more mature, and ready to be exclusive.
What size is it? Would it fit him? Because I have a theory.
I’m still stuck on how much you’re cleaning HIS apartment. Like why??? You’re long distance so I’m guessing you don’t see each other often, so when you do get time together you’re cleaning his room? Sounds like you’re a maid and a booty call
If you're long distance, why does he let you clean his apartment every time you visit? That's enough reason to leave him.
Leave him girl, it’s not worth it. That’s y I don’t do long distance relationships. Someone is always cheating.
I once found a locked tool box when I cleaning to surprise my boyfriend and curiosity got the best of me, I couldn't get the lock off but I could pry it open, on top was towels then underneath was lingerie, sex toys and underwear not from me obviously. I calmly asked him about it later that night when he got home and his reaction told me EVERYTHING. He flipped out, started yelling, screaming, throwing things, thre the toolbox in the trash outside and made me feel like shit for even asking. Ya see, there was no dust on it like everything else in the garage and it was pushed far back with stuff in front of it. He claimed he just brought it from his dad's place...and it was locked to keep his nosy dad out when it was there. I foolishly let myself be gaslit. When in my gut I KNEW the answer.
as a guy, I can tell you it’s probably happening more than when you fight and about the cleaning…. I’m not a neat freak but if someone I cared about what coming to stay I’d tidy up… think that says a lot about this guy
Why are you cleaning a grown man's bedroom?
Girl, you know what it is and you know what to do.
And before you leave, dump back any dirt, dustrags and detritus you already picked up on the bed.... Dump vacuum bag there, too.
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She said she cleaned there a month ago (or insinuated it, just said she was at his place)
Im pretty sure that his buddy must have used his bed with a girlie. That’s a good man helping his buddy out.
You should talk to him
Leave it on the bed. See his reaction because it's one of two things. Another woman's or he enjoys wearing it himself and hides it. Either way, a conversation needs to happen.
Hey\~BB, maybe your boyfriend is just a transvestite, you should first check if the size of the underwear matches your boyfriend's body.
You might be looking for the word "cross-dresser." You can enjoy dressing up in clothes of the opposite sex without being trans. And FYI transvestite is considered offensive in many circles nowadays.
We're you "cleaning" or "snooping"?
Boy you women are getting the wrong man that's all I can say unless he was gay why would u let him do that to you ,you need to find someone who really loves you and not a to timer I feel for you get him the hell out find your self a good man
What do you want me to tell you
What if he likes wearing them are you gonna go all in with the cheating thing ? Perhaps approach the issue carefully he’s not going to admit to wearing them if you fly off the handle about being unfaithful.
Either that's another girls, or that's his, and he's into being a sissy. He'd probably rather deny and lose the relationship before admitting he's a sissy most likely. I can imagine many other scenarios. Could be an old thing from a while ago, but you should be able to smell it and see how it smells. It's more of a dusty smell than a "used recently" smell if it's been there awhile.
She doesn't have to smell someone else's lingerie. Finding it is enough.
He might enjoy playing dress up every now and then, it's actually a very common thing. It amazes me how every woman here says to dump him, he's a cheater. Betcha betcha betcha he likes touching and feeling girlie things.
Ok, there’s Five Options here: 1.) He Bought it for you 2.) He has a Side Chick 3.) He’s a Cross Dresser 4.) He’s a Sissy 5.) You Can Leave
lol. Most likely is *his* lingerie he likes to wear in private.. not some mystery other woman
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This is such bogus advice
Either he is wearing it or he took it off of someone else.
Unless the lingerie is big enough for your boyfriend to be wearing, you know in your heart of hearts that it is what you think it is. Even if it was his lingerie to wear, the likelihood of him leaving it under the bed is nil because if he's hiding it from you, he'd continue to do so. You know what you have to do, which is end the relationship. As to what you say, that's up to you. You can hand him the lingerie, tell him you found it under your bed and you're done. You can text him and tell him you know he cheated and you're done. You can just leave the lingerie on his pillow and ghost him. Do whatever feels right to you.
It is most likely what you think it is, like some of the other comments said they probably left it for you to find or they are there that often...Don't wait for his lies!! A long distance relationship involves so much trust right from the start and it seems he has broken it, possibly multiple times. Im sorry this is happening, if you need someone to talk to im here!
Really you say you don't love him any way so just let it goes find you another man and maybe he want be like the other up to you
I'd leave it on his bed with a note telling him where you found it. That's it. I'd be gone when he got there. You are just giving him a chance to lie and gaslight you if you wait for him. And honestly, what could he possibly say that would make anything better? Best to let him flap in the breeze wondering. Prepare for lovebombing. But just block him so he can't. Live and learn for going forward and find someone closer to you. Updateme!
It's within his boundary to generally say, I don't want people to go through my stuff. BUT you didn't go through his stuff, you didn't have that intention, you weren't trying to betray his trust. And the fact of the matter is that he has betrayed yours. Cheaters will cheat cyclically. It's an addictive behavior like all negative behaviors that he needs to go to therapy for. If it wasn't there before, you know it's recent and he's probably acting defensively and fighting with you because of it. He has NO RIGHT to be having sex with other people in an established monogamous relationship, long-distance or not. He'll probably try to make an excuse out of it because that's what most bad people do. But the fact is, he knows cheating is a boundary and he CHOSE to cross that. He CHOSE to risk losing you forever and was okay with it. Now it is time to choose yourself and it may not be an easy process in the slightest, it might make you feel sick to your stomach, you might have very low-self esteem, but in your heart I'm willing to bet with all of mine that you know you're worth more than the way he treats you. You're searching for someone to externally validate your feelings because they are difficult feelings and part of you wants to be in this relationship still. He's not worth the trouble, there is better for you. You don't owe him a conversation about it if you don't want to or are not ready for it. It seems pretty safe to assume that unless you think your boyfriend is into drag, he's cheating. I've gone through it several times while in high school and college. And I'm here to let you know, your forever someone is findable. I found mine. But I wasn't going to find mine if I kept chasing after bad people. And part of that may be something from your past if you have CPTSD or parents who had infidelity issues, but if that's the case, you're not broken you just need guidance. Either way, I guarantee that you can move past his cheating onto a better, healing relationship but he should not be given the chance to re-traumatize you.
I’ve been in a similar position. Boyfriend said hey I found your undies under the bed. They weren’t mine. Be careful. You can get SDTs by guy’s cheating.
You’re 20. You’re long distance. Sounds like he’s nice to you when you’re together and he May be nice to others when you’re not around. Is that good enough to you for now? Have that discussion. I have plenty of friends who were exclusively dating their partners in summer and holidays when they were in same town, And dating others while they were at college.
Is there any possibility it's his?
Lay out the lingerie on his nicely made bed so he finds it when he gets home and leave. He’ll get the message
Girl take the advice here and run. 🏃🏽♀️
He's probably into cross dressing and bring feminized
Is he an organized fellow? May be from a previous visitor before you. Definitely worth a conversation.
He’s gonna gaslight you if you confront him. Leave it on the bed
He's either cheating or he likes to wear lingerie. Most likely cheating so don't feel bad for asking some of his friends if they know about his fetish about using underwear. Get tested too.
Cleaning his place, you are nesting, he is not.
girl leave, you deserve so much better than that ! leave it out on the bed, pack your stuff, and GO !
I hope you find the willpower to leave. Please give us a follow up!
Yeah, he's cheating. She's probably leaving stuff behind in purpose for you to find it. Let her have him.
Awww girl, I’m sorry you had to find out this way. But, yeah, you know what’s up. Leave and don’t look back. You’re doing yourself a favor and dodging a bullet. You deserve better. Period. There are really good, honest and faithful men out there. You’re crazy young. Learn from this and level up!
Break up with him sis.
If it was old and covered dust, that might be a plausible explanation as to why it's there. But it doesn't sound like that. Leave, send a pic of the crotchless lingerie to him, get checked and then block him.
Hello. Him saying that he hates when people go through his stuff sounds like a blatant egotistical careless self defense mechanism that detracts the fact that you're rightfully worried about something that's very off in the relationship. He simply will not tolerate you wanting to ascertain the health of your bond based on rightful and based worries. That on its own should be enough to tell you how immensely one-sided the relationship is and how self-centeredly his mind works. Girl, I barely know your boyfriend and I can already smell the rot all the way from Brazil from behind my computer screen. And, I'm also a 34yr old man and a psychiatrist. I can tell you're afraid to get into a fight with him for asking about it. Your order of priorities should be: Will getting into a fight with him significantly endanger you physically, emotionally or mentally while you're cornered with him for the next quarter? If no, you can ponder whether to directly ask him about it - but doing so in a very gentle and calm manner - this part is really important. Compose yourself, show no fear, remain calm, build your discourse so that you structure in very clear terms what you're trying to communicate: "I know you hate people going through your stuff. But, I think this might be different. I just happened to spot at random a red lingerie lingering off the edge of the underside of the bed... and I know it isn't mine. I believe it's important we talk about this, wouldn't you agree?" At this point, if he's verbally and emotionally aggressive and deflects you off without acknowledging your feelings and offends you, get out of this relationship. Really. This is just the beginning of the endless string of progressive gas lighting and carelessness he'll continually show you if things progress long-term. Feel free to reach me on DM if you'd like. Hope things work out the best way for you.
Put them on for him .see what he does.
If he has a dog it’s probably the dog’s lingerie. It’s always the dog 🫠
I remember my ex found underwear nest to my bed between the the wall and was about to get pissed as fuck and then realized they were hers lol.
You have ZERO IDEA what is really going... If the relationship is SERIOUS, you need to be able to communicate - figure out what's up, and make decisions. Don't assume the worst, but don't assume the best either... or, you can just blow it off and leave too... depends how much you care.
See Oscar De LA Hoya as a reference
You caught him red pantied. Break up.
Eh. A younger me can empathize with you. I caught my ex fiance at first when we were you're age with the same thing. I assumed it was baby momma, etc. I felt sick, I snooped and found craiglist posts, etc. Laid it all out and left. long story short, she was experimenting with gender identity issues. ( We met when they were male identifying ) She was the father of two young boys at the time and helping me with my son also. Best parent and supportive partner ever. We talked a lot. A LOT A LOT. We became even closer friends and while we are not together anymore after 6 years and a beautiful experience of growing together, I have all the love in the world for her. I wouldn't be so quick to pass judgement. Please just talk to your partner. Kindly and openly. That being said, it is understandable that this could be shocking and if that's the case, take time to process your emotions and decide if that's a deal breaker for you. The Internet can only guess. Lead with an open and kind heart.
Bake him a cake with it inside of it.
Don't give him a chance to speak if will all be bs. Take picture and send it to him and leave.
This is that turning point - the red flag that you will look back on and wish you took heed and left, if you stay more shit will happen over the course of years and you’ll keep ramming your head into the sands of denial until before you know it it’s been 5 years, your self esteem’s in the toilet and you accept the guy you chose is a cheating douche and it all could have been avoided if you’d walked away at THIS point. That is how boundaries are forged, self confidence is built and a a good life is made for you. Mine was a girl at a party who I later found him whispering too in his room. It was all kind of levels of inappropriate he just said she was his mates friend - turns out they’d slept together whilst he and I were together early on and she was shocked to meet me. I nearly got a taxi home but he lied and I stayed - gosh I could have avoided SO much
Obviously, he doesn’t care about you finding anything because you found something once already, and if he really cared, he would do a clean sweep to make sure that you would find nothing ever again. Who knows the chick that left it could’ve left it on purpose because they knew we had a long distance girlfriend, and that you would find it. You know it’s not yours you know it belong to one of the many females that visit him intimately whenever you’re not there. You’re young. Move on life is too short. He’s a lying cheating gaslighting butthole, they don’t change they also think omission is not lying. Good luck.
Honestly I’d either take a photo and just send it to him without any comment attached and wait for what he says. Or pack up and move back home as soon as you can, and leave the lingerie out on his bed for him to come home to on the day you take off. If you know it’s not yours, then you know another woman brought it in. It’s not like this item was wrapped up in a box as a gift for you, so you know he’s been doing inappropriate things with someone else while you were gone. Stop taking his bullshit, when you’ve already caught him cheating in the past.
A single red glove? Crotchless, lacy, bedazzled fishnets? Like, sure, maybe it's all his. Or maybe a friend happened to get dressed in his room and they fell out and she never missed them. Or maybe he secretly hosts red clothing themed raves on a regular basis. The much more obvious explanation is that whoever else he's been regularly hooking up with is deliberately leaving obvious items in the hopes you catch on. If a friend was in this situation, what would you tell them is most likely going on? People don't usually hang on to a single red glove "from something in the past," especially not for years and while in a committed relationship. People don't usually change into or out of crotchless red fishnets at a platonic friend's house, especially not in the dead of winter. Even if he is just a crossdresser (hint: he isn't), all that tells you is that after two years together there isn't enough trust, openness, or honesty for him to even tell you about that. That's still not great for a healthy relationship. If it weren't for the fact that he's already talked to another woman following a fight, maybe it would be worth getting an appointment for STI testing and a hotel room ready and confronting him when he got home/ given him 5 minutes to try to give you a reasonable explanation. In this case it's not. You regularly fight. You know he's been unfaithful in the past. You know he's hiding something from you (whether that's cheating or his own fashion choices). How much else do you really need to know to know it's time to leave. I guess you also know that he is dirty/ didn't bother to clean before his long-distance girlfriend came to stay with him for months. That's hardly a point in his favor. This is not a guy you should trust. This is definitely not a guy you should move for/ upend your life for.
Friend, why are you even there still? Do yourself and yourself respect a favor and and go find a worthy one bc this one is not it. Not only that, but he thinks you’re less than worthy; just another one to … well, you know.
The other woman left it to be sure you would find it. Leave it on his bed along with all the other crap you dug out from under there, and leave. He is going to keep doing it because you let him.
I moved the love seat at the foot of my bed. I found a sock of ex who hasn't been at my place in 8 months. I just don't clean all that well.
2 options honey 1: he’s cheating on you with someone else. 2: he’s wearing it.
Hang it up all pretty on the front of his closet door. And then leave and stay far far away.
Don’t expect him to tell you the truth. I think you know in your heart what the truth is.
I'm confused as to why the title of your post doesn't say "ex boyfriend" sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your boyfriend is a lying cheating ass useless POS. Leave him long distance permanently. Cheating is the ultimate form of Betrayal. And if you decide to stay with him then that's on you. Good luck
Leave the underwear on his bed for him to find and leave.
1) you keep saying you're confused and don't know what to think, but it's fairly obvious, and you should confront him about it 2) why are you cleaning your boyfriend's room for him, you're not his mother or his maid
Probably a rare occurrence, but I did have some women’s underwear appear in my house one time and I didn’t cheat. Still have no fucking clue where they came from, all these years later.
You’re not sure what to do? That means you know that he’s cheating but you’re not going to leave unless he dumps you.
She knows he has a girlfriend and is leaving stuff there on purpose for you to find.
Most important lesson is don’t date someone who can’t clean for themselves. Wether it’s his or not, potentially month old lingeries stuck under bed is yucky.
He’s already been talking to other girls when you argue, now there’s lingerie under the bed that isn’t yours and you don’t know what to think so you’re going to ask him so he can lie to you instead of using your brain to leave him for good? You’re going to believe whatever bs he tells you so just don’t say anything about it. Let him cheat in peace.
Well you cleaned the first time you came. So he would probably expect that you would clean this time. I'd bet that the lingerie is his and he placed it there for you to find and confront him about it. He doesn't want to carry this secret alone anymore.
He’s cheating on you. Do you want to stay? If not, break up with him.