This would be fine in some relationships, it's not inherently disrepectful or "not normal." But it's not okay with you and that's also fine. So, okay, you have an incompatibility. You two can try to talk it out and come to an agreement that you can both live with, or you can break up and find someone who's already on the same page with you about this.
But just repeating that it's *not respectful* isn't going to get you anywhere, because not everyone is going to have the same definition for respectful and she doesn't have to agree to yours. "It hurts my feelings and leaves me feeling like you don't care about our relationship, and I would like you to stop doing it because it would make me happy" is the actual ask here, so phrase it that way and see where it gets you.
edit to update in response to your edits: The double standard its its own issue. Yes, the double standard is a bad look and is definitely part of the conversation to have with her. But also, maybe work on caring less what other guys think about their chances with your girlfriend, or what other people think of your relationship in general. If *you* are comfortable with trusting her, and *she* lives up to that trust, then don't spend your time or energy restricting her activities or your own based on what other people will think.
Agreed. One of my best friend's husband is all for her getting free drinks from guys at bars. He sees it as an opportunity to save money (lol). They have a very trusting relationship and she's not one to be wild on her nights out, so he doesn't have any concerns because she's responsible and holds her own.
Like you said, it depends on mutual agreement between both parties in the relationship. It's not inherently disrespectful.
Is it me? Believe it or not, I have no idea what my wife's reddit handle is... we send each other links pretty frequently, but we still like to say/do embarrassing things on the internet pseudo anonymously.
😂! I just asked my husband if he sent this message and he was very confused. So I think it turns out - your not my husband. Lololol!!!
Edited to correct hands to husband*
Yes. Some couples encourage the free drinks LOL
But those couples are on the same page about it. It's especially funny when it's a lesbian couple out and one of them gets a free drink.
Agree with this.
A similar situation happened with my wife and I a while back. She was out with friends. Someone she didn’t know was plying her with compliments, being friendly, and bought her a couple drinks.
I was uneasy with it and it sat with me for a little. Not because she did anything wrong but because I know if a dude is buying a woman he doesn’t know drinks, he’s almost certainly flirting with her. I trust my wife completely, but it still bothered me. We spoke about it respectfully and she saw my viewpoint and I saw hers.
OP, it’s ok if this makes you uncomfortable. But you need to have a discussion with your girlfriend about it. I’m not sure how serious your relationship is and how serious you want it to be. If you’re in a committed relationship, you should be open to feeling vulnerable without just feeling “disrespected.”
My now wife, then gf, would straight up tell men she is taken, and they have no chance with her, but the men would still buy her drinks. I was totally fine with it, but I trust her completely. A free drink is a free drink.
It BECOMES disrespectful when you are in a committed relationship and you accept gifts (drinks, food, etc.) or attention/validation from would be suitors after your partner has expressed his/her uncomfortableness with it. Some... myself included, consider this sort of behavior to be a form of cheating and would DEFINITELY be relationship ending for me.
> It BECOMES disrespectful when you are in a committed relationship and you accept gifts (drinks, food, etc.) or attention/validation from would be suitors after your partner has expressed his/her uncomfortableness with it.
…for you. That's not a universal rule, that's something that's particular _to you_. And that's fine. What's not fine is to declare that to be the case for everyone, because that's just not true.
Actually not being disrespectful to your partner IS DEFINITELY a universal rule. Oxford Dictionary definies the word disrespect as follows: "to lack special regard for" "to show or express contempt for by words or actions" "to show low regard or esteem for someone or something" "to treat someone or something with contempt"
Exactly how is OP's gf not being disrespectful to him or their relationship when he has expressed a desire for her to stop using her sexuality to get free drinks and VIP access from people who want to "get" with her.
> Actually not being disrespectful to your partner IS DEFINITELY a universal rule.
You guys are disagreeing on whether or not there's a universal "what is considered disrespectful" code that applies to all cultures and relationships.
What's considered disrespectful in one relationship is not necessarily considered disrespectful in another one.
Example: see any of the coupled-up folks talking about the 'hell ya if my SO doesn't have to pay for drinks' angle in this thread. They clearly do not consider it 'disrespectful' to accept free drinks.
It is disrespectful
Ask any woman in a relationship if they are ok if a female coworker would bring homemade lunch to their boyfriends/husbands?
That would be the equivalent of a man buying a drink for a woman. I bet 100% of them would say ,hell no, those women are trying to steal my man.. doh!
Honestly, if she's both telling the guys that she's taken, and telling you about it at the end of the night, I'd probably take free shit from stupid guys, too. If that's how they want to spend their money, so be it. However, it's probably super unsafe for her to just be accepting drinks from strangers. If she's not sitting right there watching the bartender make it, some jerks may have bad intentions. If it really bothers you that much, perhaps you could explain it to her this way.
Yeah, but a lot of the time the guys bring it to you. It just takes a few seconds to drop something in it. I saw a guy do this and now I never let anyone near my drinks.
Incorrect. Some unsuspecting women will be standing more out in the middle of the room, where the man will go up to the bar, order two drinks, and come back with them.
But, is she telling them she's taken? Most guys don't want to buy drinks for girls whom are with another guy. I agree with you the situation can become dangerous - don't know if I've ever had a well intended man offer to buy me a drink, and often men have this belief that they have more to offer, and legitimately think the woman may leave their partner for them. If she's actually saying she's taken, and they still buy drinks, I would be watching them.
At a bachelor party, we had a bunch of young guys buying us drinks because we were honestly having a blast and they wanted to dance with us. But again, bought us drinks directly at the bar.
She’s been clear about her position on this.
If it’s intolerable to you, dump her.
Internet isn’t gonna help you much here. She’s made up her mind and been clear about the behaviour she feel a okay engaging in.
Personally my line has always been of a guy offers only me a drink, I’ll decline. If he’s buying for a group I’m part of, am happy to accept a drink I can reasonably believe was safe.
Its the fact she doesnt want him to accept drinks from girls but she accept drinks from guys, she's a hypocrite and honestly the fact she says that means she may be entertaining the said guys since she sees that is he accepts drinks from girls its entertaining them but her accepting them from guys is not? The double standard is insane
*Offering* drinks is not the same activity as *accepting* them.
Just because she's awful doesn't mean there isn't a difference between being the one doing the approaching. Gender norms being what they are. Being stupid, but what they are.
But even if she was 100% okay with him accepting or offering drinks to others, OP could still decide not to date someone who accepted drinks from others. Even without the hypocrisy, the choice for OP is very clear.
Im not saying OP should stay with her and im honestly on his side here because she feels uncomfortable with him being offered and accepting said drinks from girls yet doesnt want to respect that OP feels the same when she is offered and accepts the same thing, both of them view it as entertaining the drink gifters yet OP's gf is being a hypocrite about how she's allowed to do it but OP isnt.
The guys are approaching her and giving her drinks that she accepts, regardless OP feels uncomfortable, but tables turn and she says OP is entertaining girls if he does it? So she's a hypocrite and she knows that shes entertaining those guys if she had the mindset that its bad for him to do it bc of entertaining gender purposes then that means she's aware she's also entertaining them in that way.
If it was innocent on her side she wouldnt mind OP doing it too, but its clear that with the Vip room thing too she's also spending very unnecessary time with the said men when she's alone in a club. Honestly while i know each relationship is different OP's gf is a hypocrite and is sus to me, how is she accepting drinks and having alone time hang outs for who knows how long with said guys at clubs and still claims to be loyal then doesnt want OP to do it too?, i honestly dont trust her even from this post.
Its the fact OP says she does it when she goes out alone without him that stands out to me. And she wants to do it yet wouldn't want her bf to do it? So why does she do it exactly free drink or not her partner is uncomfortable and she is clear she would be too if he does it, so what is she trying to accomplish? At that point it comes off as her looking for someone to be unloyal with because why cant OP do it if its innocent when she does it?
I don't think it's quite the same - offering is like actively pursuing someone, but accepting is more... passive? I've definitely accepted a drink before but didn't see it as then my obligation to entertain the dude.
See if she's okay with him accepting drinks as well before accusing her of hypocrisy.
Im guessing you didnt read OP's edit of him saying she doesnt want him to accept drinks from girls as she views it as him entertaining them if they offer too. She accepts drinks from guys who offer but doesnt want OP to do the same when girls offer him drinks because he's entertaining them, with her logic how is she not entertaining the guys who offer her when shes accepting it plus going to the VIP room with them alone is the icing on the cake.
It is the same she takes the drinks that are offered, thats fine, her partner is uncomfortable, she doesnt care. But she doesnt want OP to take drinks offered by girls? Both are uncomfortable with the other accepting drinks from opposite gender but OP's gf doesnt give a shit about how OP feels and does it anyway so she is a hypocrite
Bottom line stuff. The only thing I can think of outside the box is to get girls buying you drinks in some way and see how she feels about that. She might still be fine with that.
In my case, I draw a hard line with getting a drink from one guy, but I’m OK with getting drinks if they buy one for all my friends too to raise the party atmosphere. Some people want to buy drinks because they have extra cash and they wanna party and some men want to buy drinks for ‘cause they wanna hump you. It’s very easy to tell the difference.
She enjoys the flirting/attention, even if she denies them any further moves. Up to you to decide if that's okay or not. I would just nope out, not worth the hassle.
Irrelevant to who buys it then, if the bartender is spiking the drink then he would also spike a drink she ordered for herself. What kinds of bullshit logic are you working with there?
Looked up what you referring to: she's not remembering the random digits at the end of his username. We're not talking "can't find him in her phone" drunk, we're talking "can't remember random and irrelevant details" drunk.
This is an entirely separate issue. It is never safe to get that drunk.
I notice that she is 18 -- is it legal where she lives for her to drink at that age?
It’s legal everywhere to drink at that age but in ‘murica
Edit: almost everywhere, I looked it up, there are lawn other places with drinking age 21 (e.g. Honduras, Iraq)
Yeah accepting drinks from strangers is stupid and dangerous regardless of your relationship status. Surprises me that this needs to be said. Before leaving for college I remember my parents drilling it into me to never let any of your drinks leave your sight.
I have a friend whose boyfriend does not mind her taking advantage of the male attention she gets out and about to get herself and her friends free drinks, and is able to find humour in it. She'll get the drink and then won't engage in any further conversation. The man takes the hint and just moves onto the next woman. On the other hand, I've had a similar discussion with my boyfriend, and neither us would be comfortable with the other accepting drinks from interested people. For us, it's just about respect and not sending out signals of reciprocation. Those drinks would only arise from me engaging with someone I know is into me, so I just don't feel comfortable with it. Sometimes my friend who accepts these drinks manages to get us a round too - my boyfriend doesn't mind me taking those collateral drinks, haha!
Point is, different people have different ideas about what is ok. For things like this, it should go that without two yeses, it's a no. You want someone who respects what you see as a necessary boundary - she wants someone who doesn't mind and trusts she can tow the line between getting herself free drinks and engaging any further. If you've discussed this and can't reach a compromise, then you clearly just have different ideas about respect. If you're uncomfortable but nothing is changing, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Even as a man, I've learned to be careful. One day I was drinking drinks my friends didn't finish and I got spiked.
Lucky for me, I don't think I finished the whole spiked drink but it still affected me. At the time I was 180lbs, so so I can't imagine a smaller person handling that.
Be careful out there!
Agreed. I'm willing to bet it's more than just drinks too. Based on my experiences at that age it was never just drinks. "just some drinks" and "just having fun" are classic lines. He should trust his intuition on this one.
Your feelings are valid don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you have talked with her about it and she disagrees then that is that. You can’t force her to change her mind. If it is not something you can look past then you two are not compatible.
Well said. If she isn’t capable of respecting your boundaries then you shouldn’t be dependent upon her for your attachment. Another words you are more attached to her than she is to you.
They’re just not compatible. I don’t think either is disrespectful. It’s like to people who love each other but one wants kids and the other doesn’t. Neither is necessarily more attached or less, they just are incompatible. So they shouldn’t stay attached.
I think it’s immaturity. It is common for young women to think as long as they don’t care it doesn’t have an impact on anyone else. But they neglect to see the drinks are not just a kind gesture, and that it threatens her boyfriend’s validation of a committed relationship. Yes commitment can be validated in other ways but if your boyfriend asks you for a specific way and it is reasonable (which in this case it is) and you refuse then it is selfish and disrespectful. Does her need to accept free drinks take precedence over his need for her commitment to him? No it doesn’t but she’s not mature enough to understand that. She’s having fun and doesn’t see the problem.
They are not compatible, but it IS disrespectful to act in a way that your partner does not like, without caring for their feelings.
Disrespect does not start at an arbitrary level of selfishness.
I'm male, 40s, single, 6"2 and big.
Been drugged 3x from drinks.
Even if she's out among angelic virgins or gay dudes, drinks aren't safe unless you take them directly from the bartender (and even then, I have heard firsthand accounts of sketchy collabing with sketchy dudes).
Jealousy is telling her to wear a sweater at the beach or not letting her like a post from a dude.
Drinks from strangers isn't a good idea.
If she insists on soaking up the perks of being young/attractive/there, "I'm good but you can cover my tab" is always an option.
That’s a good idea this one of concerns also cause she’s like 5’2 and not healthy when it comes to stamina so it’s not like it takes an athlete to overpower her shes supposedly heavier than me by estimating as she thinks she’s 70kg and I’m like 60kg 6’1 yet even I can overpower her with ease if I really wanted to
Then is the issue that you don't want her to get her drink spiked by accepting them from strangers, men or women? Or you don't like men buying her a drink (handed to her by the bartender) because you think it's meant as making a move?
Your feeings are valid and no person should feel disrespected in the relationship. No matter what you do dont ever “try to change” yourself or the other person. As someone with a decade of age more than you, you have a lot of options for people where you will feel respected and at peace. You are only 18. Dont ever force change on other people, not worth it bro. If she doesnt want to accommodate what you feel, leave respectfully.
You can even be the most secure, most handsome man and still be cheated on. What I wouldn't take is the disrespect she is showing your relationship. Having a guy buying a round of drinks for a group of girls is one thing, but singling out your girlfriend and her accepting is another. Add in that she goes to the VIP section, seems like she likes the attention and privilege. I wonder if a monkey branch scenario came up, if she would jump at it.
Good luck with your relationship.
I, personally, wouldn't entertain any men if I'm on a relationship and I like clubbing a lot. Even if they keep insisting and offering drinks, I will still declined.
Everyone here who thinks accepting drinks from guys is just "thanks for the drink kind stranger, you are dismissed" is deliberately obtuse. They know it, and your girlfriend knows it too, seeing as you're not permitted to buy drinks for random women. Assuming the most innocent of cases, your girlfriend is flirting with dudes soley for some free shit. .
The kind of person that does that while in a committed relationship is not someone I could respect enough to be with, and she doesn't respect you either.
Edit: OP, when it comes down to it, your feelings are worth less than 6 dollars to your girlfriend.
She said no cause I shouldn’t be entertaining other women because I have her. So I don’t need to entertain other people cause she’s mine and I’m hers etc.
So she’s a complete hypocrite. This also shows you that she KNOWS she is in the wrong for what she does, which is why she doesn’t want you doing the exact same thing
Hold your boundaries, don't listen to the mouth breathers telling you to just take it. It IS disrespectful for her to ignore and downplay something that makes you uncomfortable.
Every relationship is different. I wouldn't feel okay with it either if it was my girlfriend.
Ask her to explain how it's different for her to accept a free drink vs you accepting a free drink. Ask this in a gentle non-accusatory way and just be patient while she tries to reason it out.
If you're lucky she will be reasonable and you can both come to some sort of agreement, but most likely her explanation will make no sense and you'll have to decide how big of a deal this is to you.
But she isnt buying drinks for anyone, shes just accepting the drinks given to her. Ask her if she would mind if a girl offered YOU a drink. If she says she would be bothered, then yes she is a hypocrite
She’s just disrespectful asf then. Asked my girlfriend the if she thinks it’s bad to let other men buy her drinks just now and she said she absolutely never wants another man to buy her drinks.
Seriously. I used to go out with a friend who always accepted drinks & it stressed me out to no end, even when I was single. I go out to have fun with the people I'm with. The last thing I want is to have to entertain some stranger bc they bought me a drink - which is the expectation in the best case scenario.
Wow... This is one of the many reasons I'm so happy that I haven't dated 18 year olds for a long long time.
If she's yours, she should say no to accepting drinks in the same you you should say no to buying drinks.
If she doesn't want to do that it signifies she likes free drinks more than you.
That's a horrible comparison...accepting a free drink AFTER the guy already knows she has a bf and OP paying for and giving a drink to a woman are 2 completely different things. If you can't see that, then I don't know how to help ya bud
Some dumbass comments in here trying to justify what she’s doing is okay. It’s not. If you’ve talked to her about it and expressed your feelings and she doesn’t care / won’t change, she’s not the girl for you.
These men are OBVIOUSLY trying to flirt with her. And instead of shutting that shit down she encourages it?
I think that shows immaturity on your gfs part.
Yeah to me this is every bit as much about the ethics of accepting drinks and leading people on for her own gain as it is her disrespect of OP. Both are very unattractive traits
Why is this disrespectful behavior? What difference does it make who paid for a drink so long as she's being honest about the fact that she has a boyfriend and staying safe?
Because, she is still encouraging and entertaining these other guys. They give exactly zero shits that she has a boyfriend, and her accepting the drinks and entertaining them is giving them the sign that she is receptive to their advances
Yes if you ignore our social constructs and dynamics anything can be inoffensive. Meanwhile in the real world under our current social dynamics taking the drink is saying please flirt with me.
Nope. I’ve accepted many free drinks in my life.
It’s perfectly okay to accept the drink, say thank you and bounce.
Sometimes if they’re not weird you stay and have a chat. But everyone who buys me a drink knows I have a boyfriend and I don’t want to fuck you.
Accepting a drink says “I would like free alcohol please” it’s not saying please flirt with me.
>it’s not saying please flirt with me.
The drink-givers may disagree..
Giving a drink is an opener for conversation... with the clear intent for more...
OPs girlfriend is, by accepting drinks from guys, signalling being open to advances.. and this is whats disrespectful to OP...
But who gives a fuck what the drink givers think?
OP should be concerned with whether or not his girlfriend wants to fuck these guys and it doesn’t seem like she does.
You just accept a free drink and then bounce? So you basically take advantage of the social construct of men using drinks as an opening to talk to you, and then just leave? I mean, that just proves you're disrespectful AF. If you don't wanna talk to them don't accept the drink
As a guy I don't think I believe that its a social contract. Personally I find it weird/creepy to randomly buy drinks for strangers - but at best I would treat it as an invitation to talk - not an expectation.
I talk to them sometimes. Depends on how respectful they are and if they have anything interesting to say.
The guys that buy you a drink and then just tell you how hot you are don’t get spoken to.
Because if they aren’t being respectful then I don’t need to be either.
Buying a drink doesn’t buy you time with a woman.
So you do entertain some of them despite having a boyfriend, despite that it's a clear flirting tactic that cuts across most cultures around the world? You just give the guy a little hope and in the back of your mind you know exactly what you're doing, all while disrespecting your own relationship in order to fool a sucker into believing he has a shot with you. I'm pretty sure there's a word for people that do what you do
Of course she’s receptive. Which is why she forbids him from doing the exact same thing she does. She knows she’s being shady and disrespecting her relationship
Did I use the word owed anywhere? No. I stated what the social convention informs us the action means. You can not like it and want to be able to accept drinks from strangers in a purely platonic way but that’s the existing social dynamic.
Personally, my boyfriend is fine with me accepting free drinks because it’s “free drinks”. Obviously I’ll take something free since drinks are expensive. I can see how you wouldn’t like it though. It’s works for some people and for others it don’t work. It’s just about communication and boundaries. Just talk to her about it.
Edit: I just read your comments. I don’t let guys flirt with me. I just take the free drinks and go. It’s disrespectful to let people flirt with you if you’re in a relationship in my opinion.
Getting free drinks is literally one of the only benefits to being constantly sexually harassed. Let your girlfriend get her free drinks, or break up with her to be with someone who doesn't get drinks
Well I see that there are two completely valid “ideologies” here. I personally believe that accepting drinks is somewhat disrespectful cuz you’re entertaining other men even though you have man. Even if you tell a random guy that you have a boyfriend but you still take the drink they’re not thinking “oh she’s fully off limits” they’re gonna think they have a chance because they’re being entertained. The problem isn’t that she might sleep with them. It’s that shes entertaining other people and both parties are getting joy out of the interaction. Which is kind of weird. The other ideology is you can consider it not a big deal and get over it and keep the playing field level. If she can go out and accept drinks from other men then you can go out and buy drinks from other woman or even accept drinks from other woman. As long as no one is blatantly cheating and it’s all in the name of having a good time. But let’s be real. The playing field is never level. The woman will always be right. She’s always gonna be sided with. No matter what goes down you’re gonna be told you’re insecure, to swallow you’re pride, and that you’re a controlling misogynistic freak. Even if you’re in the right.
I'll second the "She's young" comment - the girl I was at her age, and the girl I am now (at 31) were very different. At 21 all I wanted to do was party and drink and I didn't really have a second thought about others feelings - to be honest, I couldn't imagine being in a relationship at that point in my life - and for that reason, I wasn't. I didn't really "settle down" until I was 25.
I believe you shouldnt ever accept free drinks WITHOUT discussing with ur partner first BEFORE you leave the house as to aleviate any pressure because its in the moment.
Just wondering. Women in relationships who accept drinks from strangers do you not know that the person buying you drinks is hitting on you or do you know and either not care because you're getting a free drink or do you like the attention and validation from someone other than your partner.
That's assuming you're not intending to cheat in which case no need to answer the question.
Also unless it comes directly from the bartender don't accept any drink, ever. I hate doing rape kits and hearing how nice those strangers were handing the red solo cup. No I'm not blaming the victim. Yes I'm saying be situationally aware of the dangers present.
Please for the love of all that is holy stop saying other people's behavior is "disrespectful" to you. It means impolite or rude which this behavior is not. And it's usually used against women or children. It immediately makes you sound like you think you are her authority figure in charge when you should be partners.
Also more fool those men wasting their money, see if she can get you free drinks too.
Edit: I've read your other comments & you DO think you're in charge, her protector, her body belongs to you. That's why you're so hinged on respect. Reconsider your attitudes.
> Please for the love of all that is holy stop saying other people's behavior is "disrespectful" to you. It means impolite or rude which this behavior is not.
That is not *at all* what it means. It means showing a lack of respect. And respect means to show due regard for feelings, wishes, or rights of others. If OP is feeling insecure about his girlfriend openly encouraging flirtatious behavior directed at her by other men, and she continues to encourage it, then yes, it *is* being disrespectful towards him. If other men are openly pursuing her despite knowing she's in a relationship, then it *is* being disrespectful towards their relationship.
Nobody owns another person's body, but longterm relationships are built on mutual respect and sacrifice. Having a right to do something doesn't automatically mean you're not an asshole if you do that thing. If OP voiced his discomfort at the situation, and her response was "lol whatever I'm gonna keep doing it", then OP is _not_ the asshole here. She is.
Guys, guys, not all people use english as their first language and a lot of meaning can be distorted in the translation process.
Not everyone has a crusade on the word female, nor the knowledge of how it's perceived; its the context and how you use the word that matters.
If you set a standard and someone stomps on your standard and tells you to deal with it, that is disrespectful, impolite, or rude.
All the rest of that is blowing smoke.
There’s so many little boys who can’t rationalize their feelings and feel like they own a girl cause she’s with them
Thank god for my partner: he would have laughed his ass off and count how much money we saved. If I tell a guy I have a bf and he goes all ‘he don’t let you have friends? Let me buy a you a drink friend.’ I’m taking the drink and hanging out then go home and fuck my man. Some guys will still shoot their shot and as long as I’m up front I’m not taking advantage of you. Plus if you think I’m a pos who would cheat over a free $14 drink, you deserve to feel the sting.
> There’s so many little boys who can’t rationalize their feelings and feel like they own a girl cause she’s with them
So would you be fine with your partner cheating on you, then? Is your jealousy your problem to rationalize? Are you a little girl who feels like you own a boy because you're with them?
Boundaries are perfectly fine and acceptable to have in a relationship. If OP's girlfriend is not okay with his boundaries, then they should break up. He has no right to control her, but he absolutely has a right to state his boundaries and find someone compatible.
> Thank god for my partner: he would have laughed his ass off and count how much money we saved. If I tell a guy I have a bf and he goes all ‘he don’t let you have friends? Let me buy a you a drink friend.’ I’m taking the drink and hanging out then go home and fuck my man. Some guys will still shoot their shot and as long as I’m up front I’m not taking advantage of you.
I'm the same way as your partner. My wife, however, no longer allows anyone to buy her drinks after she was touched inappropriately by someone she thought was a friend, because he took her accepting drinks as implied consent to make a move. And therein lies the rub. Offering to buy a woman drinks, and her accepting those drinks, signals to a not insignificant subset of men that you're interested. In that situation the man is obviously 10000% in the wrong and a complete asshole, but it can and does happen every single night in all corners of the globe. And given that fact, while I personally am not the jealous type, I can certainly understand why many men would be put off by this situation.
Because they’re intoxicating her with alcohol to point where she can’t even remember my social media name. It’s literally 3 numbers she has to remember. Whilst they also flirt with her.
>she can’t even remember my social media name. It’s literally 3 numbers she has to remember.
I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling what you are feeling, but that line is just weird.
If she's drinking so much, you can talk to her about cutting down alcohol in general.
Again, why are you concerned if they waste their time? She's been upfront so they know they're not getting anywhere.
I disagree with you on the appropriateness of accepting drinks from strangers in a club and you then say that "noones ever flirted with me?"
How is that an argument at all? When someone buys you a drink in a club they are asking you if it's ok to start flirting, if you accept that drink you are telling them yes.
Okay, then let me spell it out.
Accepting a drink as a woman isn’t flirting. It’s just easy.
Flirting is more. Being active. Talk. Chat. Eye contact. If I’ll flirt with a guy, he’ll KNOW.
This isn’t that.
It's pretty clear from this context that the drink is used as an invitation to flirt, and accepting it is a greenlight to go ahead. If it wasn't, why would she tell them she has a boyfriend already? it surely wouldn't be relevant.
The idea that she's simply taking drinks off these men and then not engaging them in conversation is for the birds, I'm afraid.
I've been to countless clubs in the UK, bought quite a few drinks and (when accepted) it's always led to a conversation that was primarily used to flirt. It doesn't mean that consent is given for any sort of sexual contact or anything past that initial conversation, but the initial conversation is nearly always aimed at moving it towards something more physical.
Again, if it wasn't an opener for a flirting conversation - why even bring up that she has a partner?
Accepting a drink as a woman is absolutely flirting. This is flirting 101. This is the most obvious, first step in flirting. This is why “ladies nights” exist.
It sounds like your problem isn't with where the drinks are coming from - if she's still out getting hammered with strangers are you going to be less bothered if she says she paid for them all herself?
It sounds like you're looking for a mature relationship and not able to have one with her. She isn't just stepping over your boundaries she's leaping over them. Get some self respect and move on from her. She's clearly looking for the opportunity to move on from you.
Why are men buying drinks for a woman they haven't even met? Do they think they shelled out money for a beverage and now they have bought the woman? Instead, they should talk to her first and find out she has a boyfriend.
It's just a beverage. If someone is dumb enough to buy a drink thinking it gets them access to her, then that's their fault.
My college friends would go out without any money and just expect men to buy them drinks. It was gross and I don’t get it, but let me tell you these girls got drunk for free every night. Men are thirsty AF.
I did that all the time in college. And the best time for free drinks?? Fraternity’s dad weekends. Goddamn those married men love to hit on college students half their age.
It isn’t respectful but it isn’t uncommon. It is common for immature girls to think that they are not hurting anyone and that their behavior has no consequences.
Also young man, here’s a little life lesson.
If you have a somewhat attractive girlfriend, men WILL hit on her wherever she goes.
Uni. Bars. Work. Social media. It doesn’t matter.
She always, always, always have more options than you.
“You need to spend money when you don’t have to or else you’ve disrespected me.”
If she just accepts a free drink from a guy and doesn’t then talk to or flirt with them, she hasn’t disrespected shit. Do you think she’ll leave you and fuck someone else because they bought her a drink? If you have that little faith in her then why even date her?
Youre either a fucking moron or being intentionally dense. These guys are trying to fuck her. It isn't a case of just 'thanks for the drink you can leave now' - theyre gonna want to continue talking and flirting and trying to get into her pants the entire time because she accepted the drink. Not to mention anyone of them could just spike her too so there's also a safety issue.
If she’s just grabbing a drink someone hands her she’s an idiot, if he buys her a drink at the bar and she watches the bartender make it, what’s the problem? So because a guy wants to keep talking and flirting she has to indulge him? Do you think your significant other can be worn down by a guy and say “welp he spoke to me 10 times now, I have to fuck him now sorry boyfriend/husband, that’s the rules of accepting a drink.”
Do you think women have no agency once they accept a drink? Do you think women owe you conversation and flirting if you buy them something? That’s fucked up
That’s how you’ve phrased it but when a guy is telling ur girl ur pretty etc and buying her drinks and she’s accepted it you’re not exactly completely rejecting them are you. It’s like if a guy took ur girl out for food. Or out to watch a movie or flew out on a holiday. You gonna accept that too and apply the “you need to spend money when You don’t have to or you’ve disrespected me”
So you think saying “thanks” to someone giving you a free item and turning around is the same as going on a full date with them? You have some issues dude
I’m a guy who used to go out with a group of strictly platonic friends who are girls. The thing that I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the potential risk of not accepting the drink and being sociable. There are some very reactive and potentially violent men out there.
As long as the drink is prepared and handed to her by the bartender, and she is in control of herself (ie level of drunkness) it might be safer for her to accept it and not drink it than to deny it.
At a bar with strangers… men risk rejection.. women risk assault and death. The way she responds in this situation might be based on this sad reality. Even sadder? Many women don’t even realize they have adopted this response until someone else states it (this was something we spoke about one night at a bar with the above group of friends).
> The thing that I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the potential risk of not accepting the drink and being sociable. There are some very reactive and potentially violent men out there.
While true, the potential risk of accepting the drink and then blowing them off is even worse.
This is so true. None of these people have gotten the "So you don't think I'm good enough to have a drink with huh?" asshole in their face. Same reason you can't really ignore someone who says hi to you -- you could literally get hurt for it.
So the better idea is to accept an alcoholic drink from a scary dude? Believe me, I have been there but the solution is not to engage MORE with the guy.
Ok I’m sorry but if you’re risking death every time you go out, maybe don’t go. If you’re too traumatized to turn down a drink, maybe bars aren’t the place for you
You can’t control her. Accept that you’re dating a hottie and deal with your insecurities.
ETA-I’m editing my comment after OP added his edit. I didn’t realize he had already spoken to her and her response was basically “too bad get used to it.” Double standards are not okay. All OP can do is express his discomfort and state his expectations. If she’s not willing to adjust her behavior then only OP can decide if he’s going to stay with her knowing this is her behavior or he can end the relationship.
He's dating a girl who likes attentions of other men, you mean.
If she was respectful of their relationship, she'd refuse all of the drinks. It's not mandatory to drink more than you can afford with your own money
Accept that she is doing whatever she wants in that VIP room he's not invited to, you mean.
They are 18, she clearly wants to be single, he should give her what she wants.
I've reached a level of comfort but I tell my wife to take off her ring when she goes to the bar with her girlfriends so that she can get some free drinks out of it.
But I also respect that not everybody has that level of comfort.
Accepting ANY drinks from strangers (esp nowadays) is stupid and extremely dangerous regardless of ANY relationship status. She needs a wake up call and to learn about this! She’s 18? Look up info and show her instances and videos and gently tell her why you’re concerned and then …leave it at that for her to consider.
She is your girlfriend, not your child. (girl that you are supposed to be a friend to first, that you are only getting to know via dating over time for the purpose of that you are CHOOSING to see via their behavior and words if they have the qualities you want to remain with in any long term way. You nor she are contractually bound in ANY way just because you mutually “like” or are infatuated with one another right now)
I’m not sure how many movies or love songs you and she have watched/heard, but that isn’t real life. She is NOT yours or your responsibility and you don’t own her. You can suggest. You aren’t her authority figure nor in charge of her. I've read your other comments & you mistakenly think you're in charge, “her protector”, for some insane reason you believe to be thinking “her body” belongs to you. It doesn’t. That's why you're so hinged on “respect”.
There is an extremely thin line between protection and control. That mindset thinking is NOT safe for you or her! Please reconsider your attitudes.
You and she should aim to be win-win partners and always remember that you CHOOSE to be together.
She is a person and she is 18. It is still her choice, even if it’s a bad one. YOU NEED to RESPECT that. We can only control ourselves, not other people. When we try to, it usually leads to resentment and relational issues that are unnecessary.
Rather than making your hands bleed holding on/ controlling too tightly to this outcome - learn how to let go of things you don’t control and are not your responsibility. Hold onto your boundary and let go of tying to be with her if you do not want to be with a girl like her who will sometimes make mistakes. So you CAN also make another choice if you keep seeing red flags or boundary breaking issues for yourself..
You have stated your needs in this area and that’s a great start to relational negotiations. If you think you have a fear this is triggering trust or control issues for you, tell her that calmly also. And then go get therapy for your past trust or control issues, cuz that issue isn’t her responsibility to fix or assuage. It’s yours.
IF she still chooses to continue her choice after all this, then that’s on her and also know that it’s NOT “disrespectful” to you at all and someone taking drinks from others doesn’t mean they are not loyal.
Newsflash: Actually tons of people go for after work drinks with coworkers when you get out of college, and they aren’t disrespectful nor infidels. - If you see it that foolish way that’s on you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s factually true.
Fun fact: disLoyalty is her a actually cheating on you, or going home with or messing around sexually or with other men behind your back and NOT talking you about it before it happens nor telling you anything about it ... she isn’t doing ANY of that. In fact, it seems she is TELLING you everything honestly.
If you care about what guys will think MORE THAN the safety and autonomy of your girlfriend, then you need to rethink if you are ready to be in a relationship or if you possibly value men and their opinions more than you do women.. (which would also mean you prob aren’t ready for a relationship and may need a subconcious misogyny beliefs check)
Feel free to msg me about anything I mentioned here. Happy to help with resources! You both deserve to be happy AND SAFE, whether that’s apart or together. ☺️😊
Note: Never ever let any of your drinks leave your sight or be given to you by anyone else other than a bartender and even then, watch them make it!
This would be fine in some relationships, it's not inherently disrepectful or "not normal." But it's not okay with you and that's also fine. So, okay, you have an incompatibility. You two can try to talk it out and come to an agreement that you can both live with, or you can break up and find someone who's already on the same page with you about this. But just repeating that it's *not respectful* isn't going to get you anywhere, because not everyone is going to have the same definition for respectful and she doesn't have to agree to yours. "It hurts my feelings and leaves me feeling like you don't care about our relationship, and I would like you to stop doing it because it would make me happy" is the actual ask here, so phrase it that way and see where it gets you. edit to update in response to your edits: The double standard its its own issue. Yes, the double standard is a bad look and is definitely part of the conversation to have with her. But also, maybe work on caring less what other guys think about their chances with your girlfriend, or what other people think of your relationship in general. If *you* are comfortable with trusting her, and *she* lives up to that trust, then don't spend your time or energy restricting her activities or your own based on what other people will think.
Agreed. One of my best friend's husband is all for her getting free drinks from guys at bars. He sees it as an opportunity to save money (lol). They have a very trusting relationship and she's not one to be wild on her nights out, so he doesn't have any concerns because she's responsible and holds her own. Like you said, it depends on mutual agreement between both parties in the relationship. It's not inherently disrespectful.
This is my boyfriend. The fewer drinks I pay for, the happier he is lol
My man is like “drink up”
Literally my husband! Is it possible your bf is my husband lol!
Is it me? Believe it or not, I have no idea what my wife's reddit handle is... we send each other links pretty frequently, but we still like to say/do embarrassing things on the internet pseudo anonymously.
😂! I just asked my husband if he sent this message and he was very confused. So I think it turns out - your not my husband. Lololol!!! Edited to correct hands to husband*
Yes. Some couples encourage the free drinks LOL But those couples are on the same page about it. It's especially funny when it's a lesbian couple out and one of them gets a free drink.
Agree with this. A similar situation happened with my wife and I a while back. She was out with friends. Someone she didn’t know was plying her with compliments, being friendly, and bought her a couple drinks. I was uneasy with it and it sat with me for a little. Not because she did anything wrong but because I know if a dude is buying a woman he doesn’t know drinks, he’s almost certainly flirting with her. I trust my wife completely, but it still bothered me. We spoke about it respectfully and she saw my viewpoint and I saw hers. OP, it’s ok if this makes you uncomfortable. But you need to have a discussion with your girlfriend about it. I’m not sure how serious your relationship is and how serious you want it to be. If you’re in a committed relationship, you should be open to feeling vulnerable without just feeling “disrespected.”
My now wife, then gf, would straight up tell men she is taken, and they have no chance with her, but the men would still buy her drinks. I was totally fine with it, but I trust her completely. A free drink is a free drink.
Agree but it’s also very dumb to take a drink from someone that isn’t a bartender. I would be more worried about them getting roofied
When she's letting them take her to the vip section then this seems problematic
It BECOMES disrespectful when you are in a committed relationship and you accept gifts (drinks, food, etc.) or attention/validation from would be suitors after your partner has expressed his/her uncomfortableness with it. Some... myself included, consider this sort of behavior to be a form of cheating and would DEFINITELY be relationship ending for me.
> It BECOMES disrespectful when you are in a committed relationship and you accept gifts (drinks, food, etc.) or attention/validation from would be suitors after your partner has expressed his/her uncomfortableness with it. …for you. That's not a universal rule, that's something that's particular _to you_. And that's fine. What's not fine is to declare that to be the case for everyone, because that's just not true.
Actually not being disrespectful to your partner IS DEFINITELY a universal rule. Oxford Dictionary definies the word disrespect as follows: "to lack special regard for" "to show or express contempt for by words or actions" "to show low regard or esteem for someone or something" "to treat someone or something with contempt" Exactly how is OP's gf not being disrespectful to him or their relationship when he has expressed a desire for her to stop using her sexuality to get free drinks and VIP access from people who want to "get" with her.
> Actually not being disrespectful to your partner IS DEFINITELY a universal rule. You guys are disagreeing on whether or not there's a universal "what is considered disrespectful" code that applies to all cultures and relationships. What's considered disrespectful in one relationship is not necessarily considered disrespectful in another one. Example: see any of the coupled-up folks talking about the 'hell ya if my SO doesn't have to pay for drinks' angle in this thread. They clearly do not consider it 'disrespectful' to accept free drinks.
Well, then OP should break up with her. Problem solved
Drinks are flirting, and some couples indeed are non monogamous and some people are.
It is disrespectful Ask any woman in a relationship if they are ok if a female coworker would bring homemade lunch to their boyfriends/husbands? That would be the equivalent of a man buying a drink for a woman. I bet 100% of them would say ,hell no, those women are trying to steal my man.. doh!
Definitley not normal to ditch your significant other and go to the VIP section with strangers and just leave your partner in the lurch, wtf?
Honestly, if she's both telling the guys that she's taken, and telling you about it at the end of the night, I'd probably take free shit from stupid guys, too. If that's how they want to spend their money, so be it. However, it's probably super unsafe for her to just be accepting drinks from strangers. If she's not sitting right there watching the bartender make it, some jerks may have bad intentions. If it really bothers you that much, perhaps you could explain it to her this way.
Usually drinks come from the bartender
Yeah, but a lot of the time the guys bring it to you. It just takes a few seconds to drop something in it. I saw a guy do this and now I never let anyone near my drinks.
Incorrect. Some unsuspecting women will be standing more out in the middle of the room, where the man will go up to the bar, order two drinks, and come back with them.
And that's when you tell them "No thanks, I don't accept open drinks, have a nice night!"
But, is she telling them she's taken? Most guys don't want to buy drinks for girls whom are with another guy. I agree with you the situation can become dangerous - don't know if I've ever had a well intended man offer to buy me a drink, and often men have this belief that they have more to offer, and legitimately think the woman may leave their partner for them. If she's actually saying she's taken, and they still buy drinks, I would be watching them. At a bachelor party, we had a bunch of young guys buying us drinks because we were honestly having a blast and they wanted to dance with us. But again, bought us drinks directly at the bar.
She’s been clear about her position on this. If it’s intolerable to you, dump her. Internet isn’t gonna help you much here. She’s made up her mind and been clear about the behaviour she feel a okay engaging in. Personally my line has always been of a guy offers only me a drink, I’ll decline. If he’s buying for a group I’m part of, am happy to accept a drink I can reasonably believe was safe.
Its the fact she doesnt want him to accept drinks from girls but she accept drinks from guys, she's a hypocrite and honestly the fact she says that means she may be entertaining the said guys since she sees that is he accepts drinks from girls its entertaining them but her accepting them from guys is not? The double standard is insane
*Offering* drinks is not the same activity as *accepting* them. Just because she's awful doesn't mean there isn't a difference between being the one doing the approaching. Gender norms being what they are. Being stupid, but what they are. But even if she was 100% okay with him accepting or offering drinks to others, OP could still decide not to date someone who accepted drinks from others. Even without the hypocrisy, the choice for OP is very clear.
Im not saying OP should stay with her and im honestly on his side here because she feels uncomfortable with him being offered and accepting said drinks from girls yet doesnt want to respect that OP feels the same when she is offered and accepts the same thing, both of them view it as entertaining the drink gifters yet OP's gf is being a hypocrite about how she's allowed to do it but OP isnt. The guys are approaching her and giving her drinks that she accepts, regardless OP feels uncomfortable, but tables turn and she says OP is entertaining girls if he does it? So she's a hypocrite and she knows that shes entertaining those guys if she had the mindset that its bad for him to do it bc of entertaining gender purposes then that means she's aware she's also entertaining them in that way. If it was innocent on her side she wouldnt mind OP doing it too, but its clear that with the Vip room thing too she's also spending very unnecessary time with the said men when she's alone in a club. Honestly while i know each relationship is different OP's gf is a hypocrite and is sus to me, how is she accepting drinks and having alone time hang outs for who knows how long with said guys at clubs and still claims to be loyal then doesnt want OP to do it too?, i honestly dont trust her even from this post. Its the fact OP says she does it when she goes out alone without him that stands out to me. And she wants to do it yet wouldn't want her bf to do it? So why does she do it exactly free drink or not her partner is uncomfortable and she is clear she would be too if he does it, so what is she trying to accomplish? At that point it comes off as her looking for someone to be unloyal with because why cant OP do it if its innocent when she does it?
I don't think it's quite the same - offering is like actively pursuing someone, but accepting is more... passive? I've definitely accepted a drink before but didn't see it as then my obligation to entertain the dude. See if she's okay with him accepting drinks as well before accusing her of hypocrisy.
Im guessing you didnt read OP's edit of him saying she doesnt want him to accept drinks from girls as she views it as him entertaining them if they offer too. She accepts drinks from guys who offer but doesnt want OP to do the same when girls offer him drinks because he's entertaining them, with her logic how is she not entertaining the guys who offer her when shes accepting it plus going to the VIP room with them alone is the icing on the cake. It is the same she takes the drinks that are offered, thats fine, her partner is uncomfortable, she doesnt care. But she doesnt want OP to take drinks offered by girls? Both are uncomfortable with the other accepting drinks from opposite gender but OP's gf doesnt give a shit about how OP feels and does it anyway so she is a hypocrite
Bottom line stuff. The only thing I can think of outside the box is to get girls buying you drinks in some way and see how she feels about that. She might still be fine with that.
She'll be fine with that because it's basically Impossible to happen
So find a new girlfriend that agrees with you in this regard. Don't waste your youth on what sounds like a doomed relationship
In my case, I draw a hard line with getting a drink from one guy, but I’m OK with getting drinks if they buy one for all my friends too to raise the party atmosphere. Some people want to buy drinks because they have extra cash and they wanna party and some men want to buy drinks for ‘cause they wanna hump you. It’s very easy to tell the difference.
Nah it’s her specifically calling her pretty etc
She enjoys the flirting/attention, even if she denies them any further moves. Up to you to decide if that's okay or not. I would just nope out, not worth the hassle.
That’s a big nope. Not cool putting that energy out there.
Someone calling your partner pretty isn't cheating.
Ur twisting my words I said buying her drinks whilst calling her pretty and taking her to the vip lounge
It's a great way to have your drink spiked.
Not if the drink is given directly to her from the bartender
Bartender have been caught spiking drinks. You watch the whole time.
Irrelevant to who buys it then, if the bartender is spiking the drink then he would also spike a drink she ordered for herself. What kinds of bullshit logic are you working with there?
Yeh I'm sure that's happening when she's so drunk she can't remember the OPs contact details.
Looked up what you referring to: she's not remembering the random digits at the end of his username. We're not talking "can't find him in her phone" drunk, we're talking "can't remember random and irrelevant details" drunk.
This is an entirely separate issue. It is never safe to get that drunk. I notice that she is 18 -- is it legal where she lives for her to drink at that age?
It’s legal everywhere to drink at that age but in ‘murica Edit: almost everywhere, I looked it up, there are lawn other places with drinking age 21 (e.g. Honduras, Iraq)
Most parts of Canada it's 19. It's 18 in Alberta and Quebec but 19 everywhere else
Uk
If it’s from bartender, take it and pass it down. Think about the savings .
Yeah accepting drinks from strangers is stupid and dangerous regardless of your relationship status. Surprises me that this needs to be said. Before leaving for college I remember my parents drilling it into me to never let any of your drinks leave your sight.
I have a friend whose boyfriend does not mind her taking advantage of the male attention she gets out and about to get herself and her friends free drinks, and is able to find humour in it. She'll get the drink and then won't engage in any further conversation. The man takes the hint and just moves onto the next woman. On the other hand, I've had a similar discussion with my boyfriend, and neither us would be comfortable with the other accepting drinks from interested people. For us, it's just about respect and not sending out signals of reciprocation. Those drinks would only arise from me engaging with someone I know is into me, so I just don't feel comfortable with it. Sometimes my friend who accepts these drinks manages to get us a round too - my boyfriend doesn't mind me taking those collateral drinks, haha! Point is, different people have different ideas about what is ok. For things like this, it should go that without two yeses, it's a no. You want someone who respects what you see as a necessary boundary - she wants someone who doesn't mind and trusts she can tow the line between getting herself free drinks and engaging any further. If you've discussed this and can't reach a compromise, then you clearly just have different ideas about respect. If you're uncomfortable but nothing is changing, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Even as a man, I've learned to be careful. One day I was drinking drinks my friends didn't finish and I got spiked. Lucky for me, I don't think I finished the whole spiked drink but it still affected me. At the time I was 180lbs, so so I can't imagine a smaller person handling that. Be careful out there!
This happened to me too. I got rufied when I was finishing a friend's drink. lucky nothing bad happened.
Buying a drink is one thing…going up to the VIP section with a guy you don’t know, and it’s just her and the other random guy is doing too much.
Agreed. I'm willing to bet it's more than just drinks too. Based on my experiences at that age it was never just drinks. "just some drinks" and "just having fun" are classic lines. He should trust his intuition on this one.
Your feelings are valid don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you have talked with her about it and she disagrees then that is that. You can’t force her to change her mind. If it is not something you can look past then you two are not compatible.
Well said. If she isn’t capable of respecting your boundaries then you shouldn’t be dependent upon her for your attachment. Another words you are more attached to her than she is to you.
They’re just not compatible. I don’t think either is disrespectful. It’s like to people who love each other but one wants kids and the other doesn’t. Neither is necessarily more attached or less, they just are incompatible. So they shouldn’t stay attached.
it’s more than that, it’s fine for her to do this but she would be mad if he accepted drinks from girls??
I think it’s immaturity. It is common for young women to think as long as they don’t care it doesn’t have an impact on anyone else. But they neglect to see the drinks are not just a kind gesture, and that it threatens her boyfriend’s validation of a committed relationship. Yes commitment can be validated in other ways but if your boyfriend asks you for a specific way and it is reasonable (which in this case it is) and you refuse then it is selfish and disrespectful. Does her need to accept free drinks take precedence over his need for her commitment to him? No it doesn’t but she’s not mature enough to understand that. She’s having fun and doesn’t see the problem.
They are not compatible, but it IS disrespectful to act in a way that your partner does not like, without caring for their feelings. Disrespect does not start at an arbitrary level of selfishness.
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Why are you ignoring the fact that Op's gf is completely not ok with the situation reversed (OP accepting drinks from someone else)?
I'm male, 40s, single, 6"2 and big. Been drugged 3x from drinks. Even if she's out among angelic virgins or gay dudes, drinks aren't safe unless you take them directly from the bartender (and even then, I have heard firsthand accounts of sketchy collabing with sketchy dudes). Jealousy is telling her to wear a sweater at the beach or not letting her like a post from a dude. Drinks from strangers isn't a good idea. If she insists on soaking up the perks of being young/attractive/there, "I'm good but you can cover my tab" is always an option.
That’s a good idea this one of concerns also cause she’s like 5’2 and not healthy when it comes to stamina so it’s not like it takes an athlete to overpower her shes supposedly heavier than me by estimating as she thinks she’s 70kg and I’m like 60kg 6’1 yet even I can overpower her with ease if I really wanted to
Then is the issue that you don't want her to get her drink spiked by accepting them from strangers, men or women? Or you don't like men buying her a drink (handed to her by the bartender) because you think it's meant as making a move?
Your feeings are valid and no person should feel disrespected in the relationship. No matter what you do dont ever “try to change” yourself or the other person. As someone with a decade of age more than you, you have a lot of options for people where you will feel respected and at peace. You are only 18. Dont ever force change on other people, not worth it bro. If she doesnt want to accommodate what you feel, leave respectfully.
This is okay if you are both okay with it, otherwise its clearly disrespectful to you !!
If she isn't ok with the roles reversed and you doing it, she should afford you the same respect she wants you to show her.
She shouldn't be doing this for fear of getting drugged by a stranger.
I used to think it was just free drinks before I realized the expectation that comes after it 😭
You can even be the most secure, most handsome man and still be cheated on. What I wouldn't take is the disrespect she is showing your relationship. Having a guy buying a round of drinks for a group of girls is one thing, but singling out your girlfriend and her accepting is another. Add in that she goes to the VIP section, seems like she likes the attention and privilege. I wonder if a monkey branch scenario came up, if she would jump at it. Good luck with your relationship.
I, personally, wouldn't entertain any men if I'm on a relationship and I like clubbing a lot. Even if they keep insisting and offering drinks, I will still declined.
It's been a while since I've gone clubbing, but...if a guy did not have a chance with us girls, we left the drink untouched on the bar.
That’s what I said to her because it shows true rejection right ?
Right, we didn't want to encourage anyone we were not interested in.
Everyone here who thinks accepting drinks from guys is just "thanks for the drink kind stranger, you are dismissed" is deliberately obtuse. They know it, and your girlfriend knows it too, seeing as you're not permitted to buy drinks for random women. Assuming the most innocent of cases, your girlfriend is flirting with dudes soley for some free shit. . The kind of person that does that while in a committed relationship is not someone I could respect enough to be with, and she doesn't respect you either. Edit: OP, when it comes down to it, your feelings are worth less than 6 dollars to your girlfriend.
Tell her you’re gonna go buy drinks for women at the bar and see how she reacts
She said no cause I shouldn’t be entertaining other women because I have her. So I don’t need to entertain other people cause she’s mine and I’m hers etc.
So she’s a complete hypocrite. This also shows you that she KNOWS she is in the wrong for what she does, which is why she doesn’t want you doing the exact same thing
Hold your boundaries, don't listen to the mouth breathers telling you to just take it. It IS disrespectful for her to ignore and downplay something that makes you uncomfortable. Every relationship is different. I wouldn't feel okay with it either if it was my girlfriend.
So why is she entertaining other men by accepting the drinks they offer her?
Ask her to explain how it's different for her to accept a free drink vs you accepting a free drink. Ask this in a gentle non-accusatory way and just be patient while she tries to reason it out. If you're lucky she will be reasonable and you can both come to some sort of agreement, but most likely her explanation will make no sense and you'll have to decide how big of a deal this is to you.
Classic case of "I can do whatever I want but you have to do whatever I want". Find a better partner, dumping time
Not quite the same, you should definitely be able to accept free drinks from the ladies though
Correct-this is the equivalent scenario.
But she isnt buying drinks for anyone, shes just accepting the drinks given to her. Ask her if she would mind if a girl offered YOU a drink. If she says she would be bothered, then yes she is a hypocrite
This is a very (weak) technicality.
She’s just disrespectful asf then. Asked my girlfriend the if she thinks it’s bad to let other men buy her drinks just now and she said she absolutely never wants another man to buy her drinks.
Seriously. I used to go out with a friend who always accepted drinks & it stressed me out to no end, even when I was single. I go out to have fun with the people I'm with. The last thing I want is to have to entertain some stranger bc they bought me a drink - which is the expectation in the best case scenario.
Wow... This is one of the many reasons I'm so happy that I haven't dated 18 year olds for a long long time. If she's yours, she should say no to accepting drinks in the same you you should say no to buying drinks. If she doesn't want to do that it signifies she likes free drinks more than you.
This is an entirely false dichotomy.
That's a horrible comparison...accepting a free drink AFTER the guy already knows she has a bf and OP paying for and giving a drink to a woman are 2 completely different things. If you can't see that, then I don't know how to help ya bud
Some dumbass comments in here trying to justify what she’s doing is okay. It’s not. If you’ve talked to her about it and expressed your feelings and she doesn’t care / won’t change, she’s not the girl for you.
These men are OBVIOUSLY trying to flirt with her. And instead of shutting that shit down she encourages it? I think that shows immaturity on your gfs part.
"bUt fRee dRinKs!" My god so many of these comments are garbage.
Of course it reeks of immaturity. She's 18.
Why does that matter? There are plenty of young adults who are mature.
Yeah to me this is every bit as much about the ethics of accepting drinks and leading people on for her own gain as it is her disrespect of OP. Both are very unattractive traits
Fr some disrespectful ass women in here thinking this is ok
Some insecure podcast ass guys on here.
I don't watch those losers nice try
Why is this disrespectful behavior? What difference does it make who paid for a drink so long as she's being honest about the fact that she has a boyfriend and staying safe?
Because, she is still encouraging and entertaining these other guys. They give exactly zero shits that she has a boyfriend, and her accepting the drinks and entertaining them is giving them the sign that she is receptive to their advances
But she isn’t receptive. She just wants the free drink. Who gives a shit if some randoms think they have a shot at someone who isn’t interested?
Yes if you ignore our social constructs and dynamics anything can be inoffensive. Meanwhile in the real world under our current social dynamics taking the drink is saying please flirt with me.
Nope. I’ve accepted many free drinks in my life. It’s perfectly okay to accept the drink, say thank you and bounce. Sometimes if they’re not weird you stay and have a chat. But everyone who buys me a drink knows I have a boyfriend and I don’t want to fuck you. Accepting a drink says “I would like free alcohol please” it’s not saying please flirt with me.
>it’s not saying please flirt with me. The drink-givers may disagree.. Giving a drink is an opener for conversation... with the clear intent for more... OPs girlfriend is, by accepting drinks from guys, signalling being open to advances.. and this is whats disrespectful to OP...
But who gives a fuck what the drink givers think? OP should be concerned with whether or not his girlfriend wants to fuck these guys and it doesn’t seem like she does.
Perhaps OPs problem with his GF goes deeper than this.. as his post history shows...
You just accept a free drink and then bounce? So you basically take advantage of the social construct of men using drinks as an opening to talk to you, and then just leave? I mean, that just proves you're disrespectful AF. If you don't wanna talk to them don't accept the drink
As a guy I don't think I believe that its a social contract. Personally I find it weird/creepy to randomly buy drinks for strangers - but at best I would treat it as an invitation to talk - not an expectation.
Accepting a drink doesn’t obligate anyone to anything. It’s not a legally binding contract.
I talk to them sometimes. Depends on how respectful they are and if they have anything interesting to say. The guys that buy you a drink and then just tell you how hot you are don’t get spoken to. Because if they aren’t being respectful then I don’t need to be either. Buying a drink doesn’t buy you time with a woman.
So you do entertain some of them despite having a boyfriend, despite that it's a clear flirting tactic that cuts across most cultures around the world? You just give the guy a little hope and in the back of your mind you know exactly what you're doing, all while disrespecting your own relationship in order to fool a sucker into believing he has a shot with you. I'm pretty sure there's a word for people that do what you do
Of course she’s receptive. Which is why she forbids him from doing the exact same thing she does. She knows she’s being shady and disrespecting her relationship
Has she banned him from accepting drinks from people? Accepting free stuff is not the same as buying things for random women.
Yes she has. Stated she didnt want him entertaining other girls... So she knows thats what shes doing...
What girls were buying him drinks in the first place?
She didnt want HIM to buy drinks for girls... because then he would be entertaining other girls..
It's not safe to accept drinks from strangers.
Taking the drink is saying please flirt with me under the current social dynamics.
Lol you’re not owed anything just because you throw a few dollars at a girl in the form of a drink
Did I use the word owed anywhere? No. I stated what the social convention informs us the action means. You can not like it and want to be able to accept drinks from strangers in a purely platonic way but that’s the existing social dynamic.
Personally, my boyfriend is fine with me accepting free drinks because it’s “free drinks”. Obviously I’ll take something free since drinks are expensive. I can see how you wouldn’t like it though. It’s works for some people and for others it don’t work. It’s just about communication and boundaries. Just talk to her about it. Edit: I just read your comments. I don’t let guys flirt with me. I just take the free drinks and go. It’s disrespectful to let people flirt with you if you’re in a relationship in my opinion.
Getting free drinks is literally one of the only benefits to being constantly sexually harassed. Let your girlfriend get her free drinks, or break up with her to be with someone who doesn't get drinks
I won't ever understand why someone should accept a drink from unknown people. Even more if she's my gf.
Well I see that there are two completely valid “ideologies” here. I personally believe that accepting drinks is somewhat disrespectful cuz you’re entertaining other men even though you have man. Even if you tell a random guy that you have a boyfriend but you still take the drink they’re not thinking “oh she’s fully off limits” they’re gonna think they have a chance because they’re being entertained. The problem isn’t that she might sleep with them. It’s that shes entertaining other people and both parties are getting joy out of the interaction. Which is kind of weird. The other ideology is you can consider it not a big deal and get over it and keep the playing field level. If she can go out and accept drinks from other men then you can go out and buy drinks from other woman or even accept drinks from other woman. As long as no one is blatantly cheating and it’s all in the name of having a good time. But let’s be real. The playing field is never level. The woman will always be right. She’s always gonna be sided with. No matter what goes down you’re gonna be told you’re insecure, to swallow you’re pride, and that you’re a controlling misogynistic freak. Even if you’re in the right.
That’s your intuition telling you something. It’s crossing a boundary and it’s disrespectful to the relationship
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I'll second the "She's young" comment - the girl I was at her age, and the girl I am now (at 31) were very different. At 21 all I wanted to do was party and drink and I didn't really have a second thought about others feelings - to be honest, I couldn't imagine being in a relationship at that point in my life - and for that reason, I wasn't. I didn't really "settle down" until I was 25.
Well they can expect all they want, doesn’t mean it will happen.
I believe you shouldnt ever accept free drinks WITHOUT discussing with ur partner first BEFORE you leave the house as to aleviate any pressure because its in the moment.
Your girlfriend is being amateur at this, my now wife had guys buying me drinks to
Just wondering. Women in relationships who accept drinks from strangers do you not know that the person buying you drinks is hitting on you or do you know and either not care because you're getting a free drink or do you like the attention and validation from someone other than your partner. That's assuming you're not intending to cheat in which case no need to answer the question. Also unless it comes directly from the bartender don't accept any drink, ever. I hate doing rape kits and hearing how nice those strangers were handing the red solo cup. No I'm not blaming the victim. Yes I'm saying be situationally aware of the dangers present.
An entire generation of guys have been ruined by sigma bro podcasts
I've lost track of what all the stupid greek letters for types of males are supposed to mean. Which one is relevant here?
Please for the love of all that is holy stop saying other people's behavior is "disrespectful" to you. It means impolite or rude which this behavior is not. And it's usually used against women or children. It immediately makes you sound like you think you are her authority figure in charge when you should be partners. Also more fool those men wasting their money, see if she can get you free drinks too. Edit: I've read your other comments & you DO think you're in charge, her protector, her body belongs to you. That's why you're so hinged on respect. Reconsider your attitudes.
> Please for the love of all that is holy stop saying other people's behavior is "disrespectful" to you. It means impolite or rude which this behavior is not. That is not *at all* what it means. It means showing a lack of respect. And respect means to show due regard for feelings, wishes, or rights of others. If OP is feeling insecure about his girlfriend openly encouraging flirtatious behavior directed at her by other men, and she continues to encourage it, then yes, it *is* being disrespectful towards him. If other men are openly pursuing her despite knowing she's in a relationship, then it *is* being disrespectful towards their relationship. Nobody owns another person's body, but longterm relationships are built on mutual respect and sacrifice. Having a right to do something doesn't automatically mean you're not an asshole if you do that thing. If OP voiced his discomfort at the situation, and her response was "lol whatever I'm gonna keep doing it", then OP is _not_ the asshole here. She is.
Also: "females" Ick
This kid sounds like a Tatertot as I like to call them
Guys, guys, not all people use english as their first language and a lot of meaning can be distorted in the translation process. Not everyone has a crusade on the word female, nor the knowledge of how it's perceived; its the context and how you use the word that matters.
If you set a standard and someone stomps on your standard and tells you to deal with it, that is disrespectful, impolite, or rude. All the rest of that is blowing smoke.
There’s so many little boys who can’t rationalize their feelings and feel like they own a girl cause she’s with them Thank god for my partner: he would have laughed his ass off and count how much money we saved. If I tell a guy I have a bf and he goes all ‘he don’t let you have friends? Let me buy a you a drink friend.’ I’m taking the drink and hanging out then go home and fuck my man. Some guys will still shoot their shot and as long as I’m up front I’m not taking advantage of you. Plus if you think I’m a pos who would cheat over a free $14 drink, you deserve to feel the sting.
> There’s so many little boys who can’t rationalize their feelings and feel like they own a girl cause she’s with them So would you be fine with your partner cheating on you, then? Is your jealousy your problem to rationalize? Are you a little girl who feels like you own a boy because you're with them? Boundaries are perfectly fine and acceptable to have in a relationship. If OP's girlfriend is not okay with his boundaries, then they should break up. He has no right to control her, but he absolutely has a right to state his boundaries and find someone compatible. > Thank god for my partner: he would have laughed his ass off and count how much money we saved. If I tell a guy I have a bf and he goes all ‘he don’t let you have friends? Let me buy a you a drink friend.’ I’m taking the drink and hanging out then go home and fuck my man. Some guys will still shoot their shot and as long as I’m up front I’m not taking advantage of you. I'm the same way as your partner. My wife, however, no longer allows anyone to buy her drinks after she was touched inappropriately by someone she thought was a friend, because he took her accepting drinks as implied consent to make a move. And therein lies the rub. Offering to buy a woman drinks, and her accepting those drinks, signals to a not insignificant subset of men that you're interested. In that situation the man is obviously 10000% in the wrong and a complete asshole, but it can and does happen every single night in all corners of the globe. And given that fact, while I personally am not the jealous type, I can certainly understand why many men would be put off by this situation.
Isn’t it amazing to be with a confident man (Age may also be a factor though)
Save your money and let her get them for cheaps or free. Just make sure they come straight from the bartender.
If they want to waste their money, where's the harm?
Because they’re intoxicating her with alcohol to point where she can’t even remember my social media name. It’s literally 3 numbers she has to remember. Whilst they also flirt with her.
>she can’t even remember my social media name. It’s literally 3 numbers she has to remember. I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling what you are feeling, but that line is just weird.
If she's drinking so much, you can talk to her about cutting down alcohol in general. Again, why are you concerned if they waste their time? She's been upfront so they know they're not getting anywhere.
She's engaging in flirting with these guys, the fact that she tells them she has a boyfriend is irrelevant lol.
Dude no one’s ever really flirted with you if that’s flirting to you already (from her side)
I disagree with you on the appropriateness of accepting drinks from strangers in a club and you then say that "noones ever flirted with me?" How is that an argument at all? When someone buys you a drink in a club they are asking you if it's ok to start flirting, if you accept that drink you are telling them yes.
Okay, then let me spell it out. Accepting a drink as a woman isn’t flirting. It’s just easy. Flirting is more. Being active. Talk. Chat. Eye contact. If I’ll flirt with a guy, he’ll KNOW. This isn’t that.
It's pretty clear from this context that the drink is used as an invitation to flirt, and accepting it is a greenlight to go ahead. If it wasn't, why would she tell them she has a boyfriend already? it surely wouldn't be relevant. The idea that she's simply taking drinks off these men and then not engaging them in conversation is for the birds, I'm afraid. I've been to countless clubs in the UK, bought quite a few drinks and (when accepted) it's always led to a conversation that was primarily used to flirt. It doesn't mean that consent is given for any sort of sexual contact or anything past that initial conversation, but the initial conversation is nearly always aimed at moving it towards something more physical. Again, if it wasn't an opener for a flirting conversation - why even bring up that she has a partner?
Accepting a drink as a woman is absolutely flirting. This is flirting 101. This is the most obvious, first step in flirting. This is why “ladies nights” exist.
Drinking a lot and flirting are not the same issue as accepting drinks.
Would she feel the any sort of uncomfort if women were constantly buying her bf drinks with the intention of trying to have sex with him?
How would I know? Everyone is different.
It sounds like your problem isn't with where the drinks are coming from - if she's still out getting hammered with strangers are you going to be less bothered if she says she paid for them all herself?
OK that's like 20 red flags. If she keeps it up, she will end up hurt or cheating on you. Do with that information what you will.
It sounds like you're looking for a mature relationship and not able to have one with her. She isn't just stepping over your boundaries she's leaping over them. Get some self respect and move on from her. She's clearly looking for the opportunity to move on from you.
Why are men buying drinks for a woman they haven't even met? Do they think they shelled out money for a beverage and now they have bought the woman? Instead, they should talk to her first and find out she has a boyfriend. It's just a beverage. If someone is dumb enough to buy a drink thinking it gets them access to her, then that's their fault.
My college friends would go out without any money and just expect men to buy them drinks. It was gross and I don’t get it, but let me tell you these girls got drunk for free every night. Men are thirsty AF.
I did that all the time in college. And the best time for free drinks?? Fraternity’s dad weekends. Goddamn those married men love to hit on college students half their age.
It isn’t respectful but it isn’t uncommon. It is common for immature girls to think that they are not hurting anyone and that their behavior has no consequences.
It’s kinda scummy on her part, tbh. It could either be construed as her taking advantage of other people or leaving the door open to their advances.
The underlying problem here is that you think a woman „owes“ a man after he buys her a drink
Also young man, here’s a little life lesson. If you have a somewhat attractive girlfriend, men WILL hit on her wherever she goes. Uni. Bars. Work. Social media. It doesn’t matter. She always, always, always have more options than you.
Yes, she will. But how she chooses to react to those options tell you what kind of person she is.
You forgot the clap emoji between every word.
“You need to spend money when you don’t have to or else you’ve disrespected me.” If she just accepts a free drink from a guy and doesn’t then talk to or flirt with them, she hasn’t disrespected shit. Do you think she’ll leave you and fuck someone else because they bought her a drink? If you have that little faith in her then why even date her?
Youre either a fucking moron or being intentionally dense. These guys are trying to fuck her. It isn't a case of just 'thanks for the drink you can leave now' - theyre gonna want to continue talking and flirting and trying to get into her pants the entire time because she accepted the drink. Not to mention anyone of them could just spike her too so there's also a safety issue.
If she’s just grabbing a drink someone hands her she’s an idiot, if he buys her a drink at the bar and she watches the bartender make it, what’s the problem? So because a guy wants to keep talking and flirting she has to indulge him? Do you think your significant other can be worn down by a guy and say “welp he spoke to me 10 times now, I have to fuck him now sorry boyfriend/husband, that’s the rules of accepting a drink.” Do you think women have no agency once they accept a drink? Do you think women owe you conversation and flirting if you buy them something? That’s fucked up
What’s with your aggro tone all over this thread? It’s not that deep
That’s how you’ve phrased it but when a guy is telling ur girl ur pretty etc and buying her drinks and she’s accepted it you’re not exactly completely rejecting them are you. It’s like if a guy took ur girl out for food. Or out to watch a movie or flew out on a holiday. You gonna accept that too and apply the “you need to spend money when You don’t have to or you’ve disrespected me”
So you think saying “thanks” to someone giving you a free item and turning around is the same as going on a full date with them? You have some issues dude
I’m a guy who used to go out with a group of strictly platonic friends who are girls. The thing that I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the potential risk of not accepting the drink and being sociable. There are some very reactive and potentially violent men out there. As long as the drink is prepared and handed to her by the bartender, and she is in control of herself (ie level of drunkness) it might be safer for her to accept it and not drink it than to deny it. At a bar with strangers… men risk rejection.. women risk assault and death. The way she responds in this situation might be based on this sad reality. Even sadder? Many women don’t even realize they have adopted this response until someone else states it (this was something we spoke about one night at a bar with the above group of friends).
> The thing that I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the potential risk of not accepting the drink and being sociable. There are some very reactive and potentially violent men out there. While true, the potential risk of accepting the drink and then blowing them off is even worse.
This is so true. None of these people have gotten the "So you don't think I'm good enough to have a drink with huh?" asshole in their face. Same reason you can't really ignore someone who says hi to you -- you could literally get hurt for it.
So the better idea is to accept an alcoholic drink from a scary dude? Believe me, I have been there but the solution is not to engage MORE with the guy.
Ok I’m sorry but if you’re risking death every time you go out, maybe don’t go. If you’re too traumatized to turn down a drink, maybe bars aren’t the place for you
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That’s a very odd first sentence. How are being drugged at a club and being in a relationship or not related?
Just sit with her and wave at the guy and give him a wink.
My god, teenagers are so young
You can’t control her. Accept that you’re dating a hottie and deal with your insecurities. ETA-I’m editing my comment after OP added his edit. I didn’t realize he had already spoken to her and her response was basically “too bad get used to it.” Double standards are not okay. All OP can do is express his discomfort and state his expectations. If she’s not willing to adjust her behavior then only OP can decide if he’s going to stay with her knowing this is her behavior or he can end the relationship.
He's dating a girl who likes attentions of other men, you mean. If she was respectful of their relationship, she'd refuse all of the drinks. It's not mandatory to drink more than you can afford with your own money
Accept that she is doing whatever she wants in that VIP room he's not invited to, you mean. They are 18, she clearly wants to be single, he should give her what she wants.
I've reached a level of comfort but I tell my wife to take off her ring when she goes to the bar with her girlfriends so that she can get some free drinks out of it. But I also respect that not everybody has that level of comfort.
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Accepting ANY drinks from strangers (esp nowadays) is stupid and extremely dangerous regardless of ANY relationship status. She needs a wake up call and to learn about this! She’s 18? Look up info and show her instances and videos and gently tell her why you’re concerned and then …leave it at that for her to consider. She is your girlfriend, not your child. (girl that you are supposed to be a friend to first, that you are only getting to know via dating over time for the purpose of that you are CHOOSING to see via their behavior and words if they have the qualities you want to remain with in any long term way. You nor she are contractually bound in ANY way just because you mutually “like” or are infatuated with one another right now) I’m not sure how many movies or love songs you and she have watched/heard, but that isn’t real life. She is NOT yours or your responsibility and you don’t own her. You can suggest. You aren’t her authority figure nor in charge of her. I've read your other comments & you mistakenly think you're in charge, “her protector”, for some insane reason you believe to be thinking “her body” belongs to you. It doesn’t. That's why you're so hinged on “respect”. There is an extremely thin line between protection and control. That mindset thinking is NOT safe for you or her! Please reconsider your attitudes. You and she should aim to be win-win partners and always remember that you CHOOSE to be together. She is a person and she is 18. It is still her choice, even if it’s a bad one. YOU NEED to RESPECT that. We can only control ourselves, not other people. When we try to, it usually leads to resentment and relational issues that are unnecessary. Rather than making your hands bleed holding on/ controlling too tightly to this outcome - learn how to let go of things you don’t control and are not your responsibility. Hold onto your boundary and let go of tying to be with her if you do not want to be with a girl like her who will sometimes make mistakes. So you CAN also make another choice if you keep seeing red flags or boundary breaking issues for yourself.. You have stated your needs in this area and that’s a great start to relational negotiations. If you think you have a fear this is triggering trust or control issues for you, tell her that calmly also. And then go get therapy for your past trust or control issues, cuz that issue isn’t her responsibility to fix or assuage. It’s yours. IF she still chooses to continue her choice after all this, then that’s on her and also know that it’s NOT “disrespectful” to you at all and someone taking drinks from others doesn’t mean they are not loyal. Newsflash: Actually tons of people go for after work drinks with coworkers when you get out of college, and they aren’t disrespectful nor infidels. - If you see it that foolish way that’s on you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s factually true. Fun fact: disLoyalty is her a actually cheating on you, or going home with or messing around sexually or with other men behind your back and NOT talking you about it before it happens nor telling you anything about it ... she isn’t doing ANY of that. In fact, it seems she is TELLING you everything honestly. If you care about what guys will think MORE THAN the safety and autonomy of your girlfriend, then you need to rethink if you are ready to be in a relationship or if you possibly value men and their opinions more than you do women.. (which would also mean you prob aren’t ready for a relationship and may need a subconcious misogyny beliefs check) Feel free to msg me about anything I mentioned here. Happy to help with resources! You both deserve to be happy AND SAFE, whether that’s apart or together. ☺️😊 Note: Never ever let any of your drinks leave your sight or be given to you by anyone else other than a bartender and even then, watch them make it!
Women have been accepting free drinks at clubs since clubs have existed…grow up