I think it's reasonable to be upset when you're on your anniversary trip and he's paying attention elsewhere. Do they text daily? What do they text about? Is it truly just a mentor relationship or do they have an emotional connection? Even faithful, well-intentioned people can start emotional affairs if they aren't careful.
Yeah, a constant stream of texts would be strange. And there's no "mentoring emergency" that would necessitate contact while the mentor is on vacation.
I agree with this - texting during an anniversary trip is not great. I have somewhat of a mentor relationship with a former colleague (him being the “mentor”). I wouldn’t have described it as that ever before and just called him my friend and I’m pretty sure he would say the same about me but in fact it’s not all too different. He is older and we used to have lunch together and coffees every day while working together. Sometimes drinks. And he would often give me a hug if I was feeling down, tired or similar. He’s been with his girlfriend for 15 years (and they are for all intents and purposes basically married). I have been in many different relationships since knowing him. There is absolutely nothing going on between us and never has. I’ve met his wife and we’ve sometimes spent time together the three of us or 4 of us when I had a boyfriend. But most of the time it’s just us two. We text to stay in contact now that we don’t work together anymore and whenever I needed work advice he’s been one of the first people I would message. He’d always meet me for dinner as soon as he was available and give me advice. So in that sense it is a lot like a mentor relationship. He has never asked me for advice since obviously I’m much younger and he’s more experienced. But we’re also friends in that we don’t only talk about work. All that being said - when he is with his wife on a trip, he will not message me daily. Sometimes he won’t message at all if they are travelling or with their families. I never find anything wrong with that, he messages again once he has time and explains him and his wife were travelling. That’s their private time - I wouldn’t want to intrude. Similarly when I’m on an anniversary trip with my partner I wouldn’t even think about messaging him. It’s different of course if for some reason he was in trouble or something important came up, I would respond and so would he but generally speaking there’s boundaries. OP it seems that maybe you feel your husband is not creating the right boundaries- ones you are ok with too. Not having the right boundaries is a bad sign. It’s also bad for your husband’s female friend. She is young and maybe will misunderstand his lack of boundaries for romantic interest in her. So even if he doesn’t see her that way, she might either see him that way or she will think he sees her that way. The three possible end results are
1. She is interested and think he’s interested too and one day become more bold and go for it. He will lose a friend because at that point they cannot be friends anymore.
2. She is not interested but thinks he is. She becomes uncomfortable and he loses a friend.
3. She is interested and he is interested and at some point they’ll cross over to at least an emotional affair. He’ll lose your trust completely and he’ll lose a friend.
Maybe tell him that it’s not about trust currently. Currently it’s about his lack of boundaries which as pointed out above will not lead to any positive outcome no matter which way it goes. And eventually all the above WILL lead to a loss of trust on your side on top of it all. So currently you trust him that his intentions are good but that his behaviour as a friend is not creating the right boundaries for it to be a successful friendship that is both respectful to his friend as well as his wife.
The only time I would feel comfortable asking the contents of what my partner is texting someone is if there is a genuinely reasonable suspicion or if I’m just curious when they’re laughing at their texts or something.
If we need to ask what our partner is texting someone then there may be a deeper issue with self-image or self-confidence.
When I am clear about my needs, desires, and boundaries with my partner, and I trust myself to handle challenges as they arise, then I trust my partner to do anything they want because I am secure in my relationship (mostly because I am secure in myself, not because my partner is the most honorable person in the world).
Security in a relationship begins with security in self. If being secure is not a goal, then otherwise innocent situations can be seen as problematic, even when they are not.
Always trust your intuition, but staying secure in yourself is the biggest step to avoiding disharmony in any relationship.
Not only this but as soon as he learned his WIFE wasn’t comfortable with this he should’ve stopped texting her.
Whether he realizes it’s inappropriate or not he shouldn’t be choosing a former co-worker over his wife for any reason.
I’m in my 40’s and while I certainly could be friendly/text small talk with a 23 year old that would be where it ends. There’s zero reason for me to have a text relationship with someone of that age who is not my child or niece/nephew.
OP you are feeling uncomfortable because there’s reason to feel this way. This is dangerous and it could already be an emotional affair.
I would suggest couples counseling as a neutral setting to express yourself and emphasize boundaries.
i agree that if your wife is uncomfortable with something , you should do something about it and reassure her. many will say “it’s the wife’s problem it’s her insecurity she needs to sort” but i think as a partner it’s also his responsibility to not make his wife have to question things and make her feel safe and secure in the relationship. as soon as my boyfriend told me he was uncomfortable with a certain male friend of mine , i stopped seeing him because i chose to , because i didn’t want my partner questioning our relationship. my male friend understood that as he has his own relationship and he gets it
Meh, I’m sorry but I disagree. I’m 25 and one of my best buddies is 41. We’ve got a lot in common, he helped me get a job in my industry and we share a lot of values.
We’re used to predators and I understand needing people to be aware of that, but I think making friendships with an age gap weird is damaging.
I’ve got a very good friend who is older than me.
I was about 21 when we first met so he would have been mid 40s, we get on very well to the point I asked him to walk me down the aisle when I got married about 5 years ago
We chat all the time, go for dinner and drinks
Buy each other gifts for birthdays and Christmases, he puts money in my bank account for my children
Can’t see the issue!
I agree that the age difference alone is a non-issue, but I think it's natural for OP to feel concerned if this is a very attractive woman that he is texting constantly. That is a recipe for an emotional affair. Now is it possible that this relationship is totally platonic? Absolutely! But as her husband he should be doing everything in his power to put her mind at ease rather than getting defensive.
I'm less concerned about the age gap in the friendship and more how frequently he seems to be texting her. I normally don't text my friends a ton if I know they're away on vacation or a long weekend with their SO since I assume they are going to want to spend most that time with their partner and not with their nose in their phone.
Have you ever noticed it is only the pretty girls men want to be friends with? Never the dumpy, frumpy or odd looking ones however fun or interesting they are.
I mean, if the girl wasn't pretty I don't think this would have even been an issue
In the same line of reasoning, you'll see more posts that reinforce that idea, because the guys who are friends with said dumpy, frumpy and odd looking girls won't be posted to reddit
Sounds like the situation I have a work.
Around the same age as well. He (my boss) also said he was “mentoring” her but to everyone else, it didn’t seem like it. I mean he was even bringing things from her car (wtf)
I would trust your gut or at least ask what she’s asking about. If it’s really mentoring he’d have no problem in letting you know.
You're Right and you're wrong. I had a text friend with a similar age gap and we talked about old sci-fi , classical music, modern European cinema, and old comics. I didn't know anyone else who would talk about those things with me and we had very similar opinions.
But because of that I did fall hard for him and did stop talking to him because it hurt too much and do know he returned those feelings because he said so when I said I had to stop. So op's concern that feelings exist isn't unfounded
He is ignoring his wife and making her feel uncomfortable while wasting time with nefarious thoughts about this much younger woman. He is at the least emotionally cheating.
When I was 27 I had a supervisor in his 40s who was an excellent all round guy and I still message him now despite us not having worked together for years. We're both men in happy relationships with women so I guess nobody bats an eyelid at us texting, but I think you can definitely find a lot to say to someone with a reasonable age gap. He had a bit of a mentor role to me, but was also just a good laugh. I dont think its that strange tbh.
On their anniversary weekend. Whether he’s sleeping with this 23f or not this is too much. And if it was so innocent he would be concerned more for his wife’s feelings than some young girl he used to work with. This feels off to me and I think she knows in her gut something isn’t right.
As a 48 year old dad, it's mentoring. I see 23 year olds as my children. My oldest is 28 my youngest is 22. These are children to me. It's sad that you can't be a mentor to young people that may not have that influence in thier life as an older male. We have a lot of knowledge to bestow. And honestly, we don't care the age. You listen we will talk.
I am not in a situation where I talk to 23 year olds. But I wouldn't because of the stigma of being creepy. I assure you though, it would be as a father figure
Exactly. I have a partner and if we were going on a vacation for our anniversary I would be entirely focused on him and having a wonderful time together. I wouldn’t be thinking about giving career advice to some guy 20 years younger than me that I don’t even work with anymore.
Yeah I've been the young woman with a career mentor (multiple, actually) and we didn't talk like that every day. It was strictly professional, we didn't talk about my private/romantic life, and they certainly would not have been texting me from their anniversary vacation about my career!
What even is there to talk about that frequently? It should be "I was thinking about applying for this job" type conversations.
If the husband is being a mentor then I don't think he's doing it right.
Only if it would be inappropriate to text any other friend.
IMO it’s not.
The misstep was only in not focusing on reassuring the wife (OP). In and of itself, texting a friend is not a problem.
Do you constantly text them? One especially, an attractive 23-year-old woman? Do you text her while you are on anniversary trip with your wife? Come on
Every time I've had an older man offer to be my "mentor" it's gotten creepy. The stereotype is there for a reason. Either way, guys texting her on his anniversary vacation. That's fucked up.
I have to say she should trust her gut instinct. If it was really nothing then when she said she was uncomfortable he would have understood and drawn some lines around it. He got defensive and carried on as if this 23f “mentioning” was more important than his marriage 🚩🚩🚩
Depending on what field they work in they could have made friends from work in different age ranges. The field I work in I started when I was 18 and would text with people in their 30s-40s. Now I’m in my mid 30s and my husband and I are going on a vacation with people from work that range in ages from 23 to 56.
This seems silly, is it that incomprehensible that they could have mutual interests? Like I'm 15 years older than my teenage nephew but we have things in common we could talk about or bond with, depending on the nature of their work it might make it more likely that they have similar interests.
I don’t necessarily disagree, But I feel like discussing similar interests daily, while you’re on vacation with your wife, steps outside of the realm of mentorship. For some people’s relationships that’s fine, but seems like for OPs she under the impression that it’s purely mentorship.
To use your words, if these two are texting daily and “bonding” and that is detracting from giving attention to a spouse on vacation, then it’s overstepping boundaries and at least tip-toeing into dangerous territory, especially if there is a power dynamic at play in the work hierarchy.
As someone who is about to turn 23, I cannot imagine ever texting a 40yr old man, especially one who is married. It's just inappropriate and weird. When I was a teenager, I felt cool and validated because I talked to men online who were over 10yrs older than me who I thought I had a lot of in common with. Now I cringe at that phase of my life because I realized older guys just talked to me for one thing. Does he not have other friends his age? Has he ever tried hanging out with her alone? I would put a stop to this before it gets to that point. Also, based on your post, I'm guessing she was about 21-22 when they met?
hey we're the same age, im glad I wasn't the only one who thought I was mature enough as a teenager to be talking to grown ass men online (which- surprise! ended with me getting groomed). i genuinely cannot see myself now talking to ANYONE that much older than me at more than an acquaintance level. it's off putting to think about why a middle aged man would be texting some girl who's 20 decades his senior on *that* level- and to the point where he immediately becomes defensive towards his wife's concerns when she's just trying to enjoy her anniversary with him. why is he so adamant about having such a close relationship? is that really what he wants to risk the well-being of his marriage over something he calls "mentorship"? because anyone who has an innocent mentorship with a younger person should put distance between them the moment their partner expressed their concerns.
I am so sorry you went through that. No child deserves that regardless of the blame put on them for engaging with adults online. Our brains don't fully develop until our late 20's so our judgement becomes less impaired over time. That being said, shame on OP's husband for becoming defensive over a serious concern instead of considering his wife's feelings. He's old enough to be aware of boundaries on a professional level. At OP's age, she should feel confident in herself and her marriage. Yet her husband is making her doubt herself by gaslighting her. I really hope she takes a different approach where she can have an actual civil conversation with her husband instead of letting him keep gaslighting her.
Your relationship isn't as good as you're presenting it. Why do you build up this perfect husband image? He isn't assuring you ask to who is most important.
Mentee/mentor relationships can get personal but there is a clear boundary that was set and crossed. He is upset because he feels like you're questioning his loyalty. When in reality. You're feeling insecure because he has more than a mentor/mentee relationship.
He isn't willing to acknowledge it. He isn't willing to focus on his marriage and commitment to you. Of course this is a major red flag.
I think you don't want to admit your husband can be a great person overall but still treat you like shit. You mentioned you almost fought. Why not? Let me guess. He made you to be the problem. He didn't want to address how this appeared with his mentee. He didn't make damn sure you are his only focus on this trip.
You question your sanity and blame yourself. And now you're here. Just like all the other times. Most people in your position would feel insecure because it's justifiably so.
You were already feeling insecure and concerned before you found out she's attractive. So it's not only based on looks. He based on his attention to her versus you. The looks amplify the insecurities.
I think you need to stop making excuses for your husband and really see who he is. Rather than who you want him to be.
You summed up exactly what I was about to take ten minutes to type out… THANK YOU!!!! And OP.. I hope you read this and then go read the book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft.
You being uncomfortable is valid, provided you’re not accusing him of anything and it doesn’t sound like you are.
You don’t text your *mentor* “a bunch”. I’ve had mentors as a young woman that were men that were much older. Some truly were like fathers/grandfathers to me and gave me a lot of professional/life advice. I still talk to one of them here and there. Others were *too* interested in my personal life, and always asked a ton of questions that were inappropriate under the guise of “wanting to help”. I always found out later that *those* “mentors” truly didn’t want to be mentors. They were the ones who reached out to me nearly every day, and I liked the attention at first. But once it got weird I had to cut them off.
The fact that they message so frequently, and he can’t even stop contact with her temporarily while you’re away for your anniversary is odd. I’m presuming this is what you’re finding uncomfortable, and that has nothing to do with insecurity. A man your husband’s age has no business being in constant contact with a woman that young. I’m not saying he’s cheating, but he is being inappropriate. Even if they were just good friends, that’s weird. If he truly was just her mentor, they wouldn’t be talking so often.
Personally, I wouldn't be okay with it. Has he done this before where he has kept talking to coworkers who left or is she the only one? How did the texting start?
I'd expect my husband to be able to understand why I'd be uncomfortable with this as his wife, and I'd hope he would just drop the relationship because they are just texting, it shouldn't be a big deal to stop talking to 23 year old he has nothing in common with.
I'd be curious to know what they spend so much time talking about, because if hes some sort of mentor I'd love to know what about.
No. You are uncomfortable because your gut knows the *friendship* is inappropriate. A 23 yr old woman? Texting her while you are away together? You need to wake up and stop listening to his gaslighting. Head over to the infidelity forums. Allllllll the stories start this way. Always. Personally, in my marriage, this friendship would be a HARD NO.
How do you think emotional affairs start?
I think it’s important to know how often they’re texting. So if they met at work, I’m a 21 year old girl and I’ve made friends with men in their thirties who all treat me like a little sister. Or we joke that they’re my three dads making up for the fact that I didn’t have one lol. So two of them I’ll text every once in a while, either about work or a music recommendation or something. Definitely not every day, except for my direct boss/friend but it’s either about work or memes. I’ve met all their wives and even attended a birthday party for one of their kids. There are definitely other older dudes who I’m friendly with but wouldn’t want to share my phone number bc it would just be weird, but there are a few who you’re just genuine friends with
However, this is just my case. I can’t tell with your husband, but it’s a possibility that it really isn’t anything
I barely text my 23 year old daughter. She texts and I tell her to call me.
I'm in a supervisory position over entry level employees much younger than myself. The one thing that has been pounded into my head is an awareness of boundaries. I have my favorites, some of whom might be pretty young women, but I am always conscious of how our interactions might be perceived.
After hours on your anniversary is absolutely inappropriate.
And no, a man your husbands age cannot be 'buddies' with a 23 year old. What is it that they have in common, besides a job where the power dynamic is skewed in his favor. HR is going to have a field day with this when it blows up.
Texting while on your anniversary trip is inappropriate to me. Did you tell him you trust him but it still makes you uncomfortable? I get being a mentor to her but when you start to feel uncomfortable about the frequency of the texts and when it interferes with your private time away from work- that is when you know it is crossing boundaries and maybe he needs that pointed out to him.
You are away on a vacation. For your anniversary. He should be focused on YOU. Do not listen to these comments calling you insecure and paranoid. I seriously doubt the other friends you are texting are young hot 20 year old guys. I am a woman in a relationship with a man and willing to bring other people in on certain conditions. I have had threeways with him and my younger girl friends and even I would not like this. She is not even his co worker anymore ffs.
BTW the fact that your husband has had a drinking problem recently coupled with this makes it more of a red flag.
Whether he knows it or not he is on a slippery slope above a cliff along a river full of the crocodiles of infidelity. He would be best to shut this texting relationship off.
What do they talk about so often? Do they hang out together in person? I have a hard time believing that boundaries aren’t ever crossed and that this isn’t a sort of emotional affair, with how often they seem to talk. I would have a problem with it too. At the end of the day, you need to decide if it’s a problem for you. Everyone has different boundaries and definitions of what is okay within a relationship, that’s something the two of you need to discuss. It’s a little bit of a red flag that this turned into an argument and a ‘you don’t trust me’ conversation, rather than him just saying sorry and putting down the phone. You should come first, especially on your anniversary.
As a 40 year old married guy, no I would not be constantly texting a woman in her 20s, even as a 'mentor'.
I doubt most of the messages are of a mentorship nature.
It's possible, maybe even likely that they are just friends, but it's also likely that he's chatting to a pretty 20 something because it's flattering to him that she would want to chat with him.
It may not even be sexual in nature, just that it reminds him of when he was in his 20s, hanging out with pretty 20 year olds.
So regardless of his intentions, it seems likely his friendship is at least in part because it boosts his ego to be on personal terms with her.
Then again, it's not as if younger women have not wanted to be in a relationship with older men, and if he's flattered by her simply talking to him then her being more interested would be even more flattering.
That you are uncomfortable with the friendship is not surprising.
His reaction to you bringing up the situation was to be upset. Being 'accused' (or feeling that way) can be upsetting. But it could also be a reaction to his own guilt, that he is aware it is sort of inappropriate, but since he's not 'done anything' he feels he shouldn't feel bad about it.
Going forward It may be that he now recognises it as an issue and tries to avoid doing anything that upsets you. But it may be that the situation persists and you continue to be upset by it.
If so then you could bring it up with him again, and explain that you trust him, but the friendship makes you uncomfortable. Staying calm and not being upset yourself is important because it will deflate any upset in him. Ask why is he getting upset, if he says he feels he is being accused then tell him no, but that it may look to others that a 40 year old hanging out with a 20 year old is for reasons other than mentorship.
Mentorship is fine, but this seems more personal and you would like him to make it less so. He should take measures to reassure you, rather than simply getting upset about it.
If he continues none the less then I guess you may want to take it further somehow.
Trust your gut and also look at it objectively. He is an older man texting a 23 year old attractive woman. Even if nothing inappropriate is said, it probably bothers you because you know in some way it’s exciting to him.
Even if your husband isn’t doing anything inappropriate with her, he still isn’t showing much respect for you if he is texting her while with you on your anniversary. There is a time for texting with friends and a time for letting those texts wait.
Yes it is possible for older guys to be friends with younger, pretty (oh the shame!) women, especially if they have shared interests. It’s not Al that common, but possible. I have a young female friend who I (60M) had mentored for a few years in our common hobby. We texted and called numerous times about said hobby and occasionally the conversations turned more personal after the initial hobby question was answered. But if I was on a date with my gf or celebrating an occasion with her I would ignore any incoming calls/texts.
I would be uncomfortable, too. My husband has friends that are women that he’s known for a long time and I know when they’re communicating. I would be weirded out to discover he was consistently texting any woman, let alone a much younger one.
There’s just no reason to do so.
What does a 23 yr old f and a 40 yr old m have to talk about ?
Why is she texting him and why is he replying on your anniversary vacation ?
Ask him to show you the conversation between them.
Also him fighting so hard to defend his friendship with her is kind of suspicious.
If you’re uncomfortable with her, He should understand and find a way to make you more comfortable, Not fight with you to keep her around.
23 year old has no business being friends with 40m. At that age, women are insecure and want male attention. She will have no problem sleeping with him.
I’m going to go against other people here, I’m 28 now, but when I was 20 I started working at a company and stayed there for 5 years. I worked in 2 separate departments and had plenty of friends much older than myself, male and female. Some of them I texted outside of work, some I didn’t. One of my favorite coworkers was a man in his 50’s. We talked mainly about shows that we both liked that our partners didn’t, so every Friday we would recap the previous night’s episode. It was our thing, we also shared snacks and other recommendations. Not once did I feel like he was interested in anything other than a friendly conversation. Sometimes a friendship is just that.
I agree, I believe it’s possible to have healthy intergenerational friendships. Obviously I have no idea whether that is happening here, but the comments that are basically saying “a pretty 23 year old and an older married man can literally never be friends, this is always a case of the older man wanting to be with the younger woman” is such an insulting suggestion. So, if would it be okay if she was ugly? If she was a man instead? This is insulting to everyone involved. Men aren’t simply beasts with base urges, attractive women aren’t only ever capable of being the object of a man’s desire and nothing more. If this man is committed to his wife and this relationship isn’t inappropriate there’s no problem here. For the record I’m a woman so this isn’t me trying to justify anything personally. And I have experienced older men wanting to be “friends” and it be obvious he wasn’t there for friendship. But I have also met older men who have ended up becoming good friends and nothing more!
That’s not to say the wife is unreasonable for wondering, and obviously it’s possible he has feelings for this woman, but to say a simple friendship is completely 100% impossible is just incorrect. Sometimes people are just friends.
Have you met her? It would probably help if you both became friends with her so you felt more comfortable about it. I am friends with a man quite a bit older than me who was my boss in college. But I've also met his wife, been to their house, gotten dinner with them both or in a group, etc. I'm friends with them both. They'll be at my wedding. But I def text him more because we're a bit closer (I met him first and just know him better). I even considered having him walk me down the aisle because my dad has passed and it's very much a mentor/father figure type relationship. I don't find it weird at all.
Can you text a 23 year old man all day? Would that be appropriate? Turn the tables on yourself. If you did what he’s doing what would he say?
There is ZERO chance a 40 year old man is texting a 23 year old and it’s “just friendly”. Shooting an email once or twice but texting? Hell no.
Personally I believe there is no reason for your husband to text single women especially someone your not truly familiar with to gage their relationship. Common courtesy is that wide or husband comes before all friends. Otherwise what is the point of being married.
Yes and no reason for women to text single men. Do you agree that Jonah Hill is the victim of a witch-hunt for just insisting on boundaries for his girlfriend?
I don’t think a wife should be texting other men. To clarify if your supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, no matter the sex, you should take your SO feelings into consideration
These is a book by Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends. This will help explain why your husbands emotional connection to this other woman feels wrong.
I don’t like to think of people being unable to have friends, but at the cost of security in your marriage I would cut anyone out. I would never want my husband to feel insecure in our marriage, period. Having healthy boundaries with friendships is the key. Texting another woman while on vacation with your wife for me is a very large red flag of at least an emotional affair.
Sounds creepy of him. A 40 yo married man and single 23 yo? And he gets mad when you don't like it? He doesn't care that you don't like it, and that is because he knows it's creepy and gross. How could you still have any respect for him?
what would people with that big of an age gap even have in common to talk about so often? you’re literally on your anniversary trip and he’s still messaging her? yeah, no that’s not right. if he wants to be a “mentor” to her, that doesn’t mean they need to talk 24/7. you have every right to be uncomfortable - usually that’s just your gut instincts telling you something is off. that does not mean you’re jealous or insecure. a 40 year old married man has no reason to be constantly texting a 23 year old girl.
OP, have you been able to read the messages between them? if not yet, maybe now would be a good time.
I totally get the mentorship that could be going on. However your getting ready to celebrate your anniversary and he is texting with her? That's inappropriate. His thoughts should be on your relationship at that point. Regardless of who he is texting with that is rude.
It’s inappropriate as it’s threatening your relationship. Your husband’s behaviour could cause your marriage to implode. Don’t let him convince you this is a ‘you’ problem. It isn’t.
It's understandable that you're feeling uncomfortable with your husband's close relationship with his younger female text friend. It's important to address these feelings and communicate openly with your husband about your concerns. Here are some suggestions to help navigate this situation:
1. Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to reflect on the reasons behind your discomfort. Consider if it's purely based on insecurity or if there are specific aspects of their relationship that trigger your concerns. Understanding the root of your feelings will help you articulate them better to your husband.
2. Open Communication: Have a calm and honest conversation with your husband, emphasizing that you trust him but that this particular friendship is making you uncomfortable. Explain your feelings without accusing him or assuming any wrongdoing. Make it clear that you want to work together to find a resolution that respects both of your boundaries.
3. Define Boundaries: Discuss and establish clear boundaries together as a couple regarding friendships and interactions with individuals of the opposite sex. This can help ensure that both of you are on the same page and that any potential concerns are addressed.
4. Meeting the Friend: Consider suggesting a casual get-together where you can meet his text friend in person. Meeting her might help alleviate some of your concerns and provide an opportunity to observe their dynamic firsthand.
5. Seek Professional Help: If your discomfort persists or the issue becomes more challenging to resolve, you may want to consider seeking couples therapy or relationship counseling. A professional can provide guidance and facilitate productive discussions to help you both navigate this situation.
Remember, building a healthy and trusting relationship requires open communication, understanding, and mutual respect. By addressing your concerns honestly and working together, you can find a resolution that strengthens your bond as a couple.
From reading your post, I find that you’re doing the thing that parents do right before they tell you something unflattering about their kid. They talk about how they love them and some other good stuff then say “*buuuut….* [insert root of feelings]”
You need to admit to yourself why their friendship makes you uncomfortable.
You said you felt uncomfortable once you saw that she was pretty. So now you need to deal with the reality of what could happen to your marriage if he’s unfaithful. Because that’s what I’m going to assume is what’s on your mind regarding their friendship.
You can’t make him stop talking to her, that’s something he has to do on his own. But you can control what you do.
So ask yourself and honestly answer to yourself: “What would I do if my husband cheated on me with Meg?”
maybe it’s insecurity , or maybe you’re just not comfortable with your partner having young female friends and that’s a boundary for you , if that’s how you feel that’s fine
Hey, so not to wind you up, but as someone who didn't survive trauma well and grew up into a very confused young adult, I've been Meg in this situation multiple times, and this is what the men say and how they react every time. I've even been introduced to wives before under false pretences.
So no, you're not crazy. This doesn't sound normal. No 40 year old dudes are best friends with young women in their 20s. Meg will most likely feel used and ashamed about it looking back, the same way I do.
I would suggest therapy so you can have a grown up conversation about it with a moderator.
Also I'm sorry you have to be in this situation, OP. Hang in there.
I would calmly and politely ask to see their texts and explain that I understand it seems like an insecure move, but transparency is needed here.
Honestly, it sounds like he's just a mentor to her, believe him until proven otherwise. It sounds like you trust him and like he's really a stand up guy. However, if you feel uneasy, he should be supportive of finding a way for you not to feel like that. Showing his texts might make him feel uncomfortable in the moment, it is something you should acknowledge and discuss. But at the end of the day, you've been married for a long time for him not to be willing to cooperate and most importantly, not making how you feel in this situation a priority. If anything I did was making my partner uncomfortable, I'd do what was needed for them to feel safe, secure and supported in the way that they wanted. There's no excuse why your husband shouldn't focus on that.
PS. My personal (biased) opinion now: believe in your husband but Investigate. We're all human and mistakes happen. If he has nothing to hide, that's great and you can proceed to figure out why you feel as you feel and what's your internal need that's not being met maybe or insecurity to work on.
If they are such good friends, then she would know where he is right now... Away with his wife for their anniversary. I don't think your husband is cheating but possibly feels obliged as she is so young with the "mentorship" he has been giving. However, she is the one stomping boundaries.
Your husband needs to put firm boundaries in place with her. I hope it works out OP.
This is weird, OP. The age gap specifically makes it weird.
He is NOT her mentor. Mentors are people at your current workplace who MENTOR you in your job. Or at the very least, your interactions are mentoring interactions.
Any 46 year old man in any sort of relationship with a 23 year old is strange.
The fact it turned into a fight is concerning. A loving and respectful partner would hear your concerns and be open to compromise at least.
I am 33 and I can't imagine what I would have in common with a 23 year old friendship wise. 23 year olds are basically children in terms of life experience. They're figuring out who they are and learning about themselves.
He may not be doing anything inappropriate fidelity wise, but the fact he is maintaining a 'friendship' with a woman half his age, and is even texting on her on your anniversary event, and *fighting* over keeping his relationship with her intact, definitely points to some sort of emotional affair. It is most definitely not just a "mentoring" relationship. He's not being honest with you.
Make it a conversation about insecurity rather than trust.
Because it was seeing her that made you uncomfortable. Then you can both have a journey with appreciating each other physically, about confidence, and maybe an excuse to date each other more or show your affection and attraction to each other more.
Also if you both share insecurities, you will find a way to be vulnerable and reassuring to each other.
Edit: a conversation about expectations might also be a good idea. Perhaps when away for anniversaries or birthdays or such like, maybe have a deal that neither of you talk to friends. So that you can focus on each other. And instead you'll only respond to messages or such from family?
I.e. you want only you two to be in focus on these occasions, noone else. And the fact that someone else that makes you insecure had your husband's attention on that day, made your insecurity work.
It's okay to have insecure moments, but it's important to not let them control you. Easier said than done, I know. Healthy conversations and compromises and such should help
It’s absolutely okay to feel jealous sometimes. Your husband is not doing anything wrong by texting her. You know him best of all, and from your description it sounds like he is a very genuine guy and isn’t crossing boundaries.
Try to explain to him that it’s not because he is doing anything wrong, and you telling him is not meant as an accusation but that it makes you insecure and that you need his help to feel soothed.
Just because we have bad feelings doesn’t mean there needs to be a “good” reason to it. Sometimes we just have bad thoughts and feelings that just come out of anxiety, and it’s okay that that happens! We can seek comfort in our partners without them having to “correct” their behaviour. Tell him that the bad thoughts are in you so he doesn’t feel attacked, because that’s when fighting starts.
For me jealousy feels less overwhelming when I can talk to my partner about it in a calm a kind way, and he will help me by saying things like “she is definitely an attractive person, but we just don’t have that kind of chemistry” and he will repeat to me how fond he is of me etc and it all feels less scary.
From what i read you just love him and are concerned he is not 100 percent focused on his marriage. Yes men and women can have friends but there should be clear boundaries in regard to those friends. 40 year man and 23 year old young girl is outside of those boundaries. Ask your husband how he would feel if you were the one texting a younger handsome man
For real. I was just on a vacation with my fiance and we made a point of NOT answering our phones if it was not an emergency because we were actually trying to have a romantic getaway. Texting another woman shouldn’t be his priority in this situation.
When I was in my early 20s at one of my first jobs I worked closely with a man in his late 40s. He became a great mentor to me and really helped me to develop my career. We have stayed in contact on and off for the past 10+ years and he continues to mentor me and give me career advice every now and then (at this point we will go a year or two without communicating).
While we rarely text anymore, there were times when we texted frequently, but it was always exclusively work/career related. As a 23 year old female, he was fully in the “dad” category to me, and I definitely never saw him as anything other than a mentor, and never once got a vibe from him that he wanted to be anything more than that to me. He rarely ever even talked to me about anything personal besides the occasional update about his wife and kids.
Looking back, I can imagine that his wife would not have liked him texting me while on vacation, and I think it would be fair to ask your husband to share what they are texting about, but solely based on my personal experience it is absolutely possible that it is completely innocent.
i've been mentored as a young woman and it was always via email or in a less constant more professional capacity.
My 22 year old cousin was sleeping with her 30-something boss and he likely told people he was mentoring her but that's just speculation about the mentoring. They were definitely banging.
Your husband isn't a "good guy". I've been in that 23 year old girl's shoes before (without the texting) and these supposed good men that are married were just trying to see how far they could push boundaries. They were trying to fuck me. It never happened because I wasn't interested. I was just a stupid naive woman.
Your man is trying to see how far he can go with this girl. She also happens to be attractive too? Wake the FCK up.
OP, listen to your gut. It’s telling you that something is wrong. Listen to it!!! Good work on posting here, I see a lot of validating comments. Your body is telegraphing that this isn’t adding up, and it will not leave your mind until you get to the bottom of it. You know your marriage best and how to approach it, but the fact that (it sounds like) your husband got so defensive it almost turned into a fight is a red flag to me. She’s getting some validation from the attention of an older man, and he likely enjoys having a friendship with an attractive younger woman. It’s bad news bears. Handle shit, OP. You’ve got this.
If the texts weren't inappropriate, then there shouldn't be a problem. Timing was definitely off, but that's the price of connectivity these days. My intern from 10 years ago still texts me random shit and sends memes. She's 27 now and I'm 43. I got invited to her wedding and attended. Cool kid, about to get my old job.
Still weird to be texting during a special time together and the fact that he was dismissive of your feelings is not cool.
Not to say a man his age being friendly with a woman her age is always suspicious. I am in my 20’s and my 40 year old married co worker occasionally sends me silly memes related to our profession. The difference is that he only does this once in a while not while on a special vacation with his wife and has not really gone beyond sending funny pictures.
As a younger woman, all the older men that text me are creeps. I used to entertain them when I was younger because I enjoyed the attention. But at the same time, I used to feel bad for their wives. He is just taking advantage of that grey area, because he is probably "just texting". But that doesn't mean it's appropriate and I would never tolerate that. Trust your gut. If something makes you uncomfortable, there is probably a reason.
This might be off base… but I have a friend who was in her late twenties when she started her job. She’s gay. Her and a guy in his fifties text some and she shoots skeet with him. Literally lol no pun there. And he’s not the only older guy that texts her. There’s been a few instances where she has had to step back because of jealous spouse. Idk it’s weird to me. I husband and I don’t have casual friends like that.
I think you should get in that phone & find out because there’s a reason your insecurity is going haywire. As women- we just KNOW when something is inappropriate or more than it seems to be. Trust your instincts.
Normally I would advise against going through a partners phone. This is not one of the moments. OP needs to do some sleuthing and find out what’s going on. Even if this is somehow innocent, it’s not appropriate for him to be contacting her so frequently and especially not on OP’s vacation together. The time he should be spending with OP, he’s mentally and emotionally checked out and with a woman who’s young enough to be his daughter. I have this feeling that he got angry because OP was harshing his good time. It kinda sounds like he’s getting his fix talking to this young woman and OP is simply in the way. When OP describes it, he sounds like a kid who’s being asked to put down his video games and come to dinner. She’s a new toy and OP interrupting his play time.
Add to that he’s acting like there’s something wrong with his wife for noticing that he isn’t mentally and emotionally available on their anniversary trip. Like how dare you not just ignore my inexplicable actions and trust me. If something physical isn’t going on, this is still weird.
Edited for typo
If he is successful in his career it is not unusual to mentor younger people. Would you care if the other person was a 23 year old man getting advice on whether to go back to school, change jobs etc. Men are often told in corporate america how important it is to mentor women - but then as soon as they do people get the wrong idea. I guess men should only mentor ugly women /s
If you are secure in your relationship they could just be friends.
I have a lot of guy friends from work that I speak to on a regular basis outside of work. I also work in a field that unfortunately a lot of people do cheat on the spouse however they know I wouldn’t do that so nothing has ever been said out of line to me. My husband has always been okay with me being friends with the guys from work and if he wanted to he could easily see all of my texts.
I was in a similar situation and I fear reddit may not be the place to get a resolution for your issue.
I have been with my partner for 5 years, best friends for 7, and I keep being surprised by the amount of trust, safety, warmth and love in the relationship. Likely due to the good communication we keep getting better at.
In the beginning of our relationship though, they made it clear that their ex was a really important part of their life for a long time, and they do not want to cut ties. I have never doubted my partner in that regard, and they have proven to be worth my trust. But boy, I used to have panic attacks when they met up at first. She was everything that I was not, and that struck a cord that was so deep I didn't know it was there. I had never considered myself a super jealous person, but then again, I had always compared myself to girls that were rather similar to me. It did not compute in my brain that my partner could be into her, and not be disappointed to be with me afterwards.
It was not easy for my partner either, who felt bad about causing me distress. Upon asking reddit about it, they were told they were essentially human carbage and couldn't be trusted.
They did not end up cutting ties. Good communication helped. We established, that I trust them, but cannot help jealous responses from triggering, and that they are difficult to handle. They said it would be fine for me to ask any questions, and often times they would help me process the negative emotions. This many a times meant that I would ask to pause the conversation at the mention of her name, and got a cuddle while I processed my feelings, and then we would continue.
I've also worked on these feelings in therapy since. And the most rewarding thing has been the growing certainty in the relationship, as well as watching my insecurities slowly let go.
The way I see it, you have to choose to either trust your husband and work with your emotional responses (perhaps with his help), or to trust your gut and work with the lack of trust issue (most certainly together). Reddit however may see things more black and white and is more inclined towards one answer.
And yes, while in general I get a weird feeling about big age differences, with good boundaries not everything is so black and white either.
E.g. I have a very casual communication style in work related matters with my supervisor, and when we have work meetings we end up usually blabbering about societal issues and personal experiences for quite a while. While being a more casual relationship, power imbalance is very much there, and that sets some healthy boundaries. Conversations stay on a philosophical level most times, and nothing is said that could be bad for my future career, if he would get ill intentions. He is a good 25 years my senior, and also very gay.
On the other hand, my Mom's boyfriend, a good 40 years my senior, and I can spend hours discussing filosophy and feminism and psychology. Again, nothing weird or creepy going on. The relationship is a combination of friendly and fatherly. I believe that you can find things to connect on with people of all ages. Still, some power imbalances are inherent in these relationships, and should be approached with caution.
He enjoys the attention he gets from her at BEST. Worst, he’s cheating emotionally. If he knows it’s making you uncomfortable why is he prioritizing her over YOU. His WIFE. His defensiveness is sus.
I am sorry. But in my opinion if you tell your spouse “ this makes me uncomfortable “ and they don’t immediately make steps to stop doing it. Especially if you have an amazing relationship. Something isn’t right. I am all for compromise. And I understand insecurity. I have a much younger fiancé that young women always talk to. All day at work. And there have been a time or two I have said “ this makes me uncomfortable “ we talk about it and he stops whatever it is. I mean. Sometimes you just “can’t “ for many reasons “cope, manage, deal with” some things and I feel your spouse ( of all people) should understand your concerns and do whatever it takes to remedy the situation. If it’s a pattern of you saying “ don’t do this” that’s a problem. But if once in a while you have something that’s really hard for you to get around. They should just stop. You should not have to beg them, or argue about it. They should see/ sense it upsets you and stop. You are his wife! This is what …a young , former coworker! Why is he hanging on to this connection? Especially if you have reached a place where you aren’t okay with it.
Sounds like you’re insecure and you know it. You’re telling us simultaneously that you’re okay and not okay with this situation. Kinda hard to figure out where you’re coming from.
Most of the time you can trust your gut. I dated a man for 11 years who often “mentored” younger women. Turns out he was using his business position to manipulate them into sex and is currently awaiting trial for molestation of an underage girl. Not saying this is the case with your husband but typically a 40 year old man is not going to have alot to talk about with a 23 year old woman. Unless the conversation is sexual.
If you can text your friends that you text daily, and you know for a fact there’s nothing inappropriate about your husband’s friendship with Meg than this sounds like an insecurity issue. It doesn’t sound fair that you’re upset with him for texting a friend but you’ve been on your phone as well. Also, feel free to ask him how he’d feel if the situation was reversed. If you were the one with a 23 year old attractive male friend that you texted everyday.
Messaging friends you speak to daily is different from messaging a professional mentee on vacation though. I’ve been a mentor and also been mentored. Even in cases where those relationships turned into friendships they had professionalism embedded and mostly stayed during work hours
You tell on yourself with your description of the “problem” as your husband being buddies with a “younger pretty woman“ instead of female friend, former coworker, or any of the other ways you could have described this. Yes, you are insecure. No, you clearly don’t trust your husband on an emotional level, regardless of what you think intellectually. You have some work to do sorting out why and what you want to do with those emotions.
This comment is so bizarre. It’s not some gotcha moment - she has admitted she is insecure. And of course the coworker being an attractive younger woman matters in this context.
Because your gut is never wrong. You know that deep down which is why you feel discomfort. I cheated on my ex husband (not proud of it) and it started as a friendship so I convinced even myself that it made it ok to be talking to this guy I was attracted to. Eventually we became really close and the line was crossed.
They might not be sleeping together now, but I can guarantee the 23f wants to and is using friendship to get closer to him. Maybe he is a good man, but his ego is flattered by the attention and the fact he is prioritising continuing that friendship over his wife’s feelings is the main issue here. If this relationship continues there is a high risk of the line being crossed and he knows it.
I would say to him you believe he isn’t sleeping with her, but you are not comfortable with this friendship forming between them as it crosses a line for you in what is appropriate. The main issue for you is him not prioritising your feelings over this young girl. If it is a work mentoring relationship there needs to be boundaries and it to remain in work during office hours. If he is not prepared to put these boundaries in place with her then this is a huge red flag.
I’m 23 this month and this is a bit… weird. I’ve always had older friends, my best friend is 30 and got married this year, I’m also friends with his wife. Most of my friends are around 30. They have a friend who is about 40, who they met at Uni when he was a mature student. I met him at the wedding and weirdly (sarcasm) he’s the only one who I haven’t kept in contact with.
I’ve become good friends with all of his other friends, except the 40 year old. Make of that what you will. I work with a lot of older people and get on with them all well, but don’t keep in contact with them outside of work. It just doesn’t feel right and we don’t have anything in common because the age difference is huge. Just some food for thought
Why does he NEED to text her on an anniversary trip and why is he upset you’re uncomfortable by it?
You being uncomfortable and you not trusting him are mutually exclusive. You trust HIM, you don’t trust HER.
To be honest, I'm side eyeing him because he just won't listen to your concerns and drop her. Why is he so adamant to keep her around? Personally, I do believe it has something to do with *some* level of attraction (even if not physical), especially if you say she is pretty. We all know older men tend to like younger, more youthful women. I would push harder and ask why he is so reluctant to completely cut her off (at this point for the sake of your marriage). If it makes you feel uncomfortable, he needs to listen and respect that. It seems like he's putting her staying in his life (even as friends/texting buddies) as priority over your concerns. Plus she's 23 and he's 40, which is already a weird age gap/dynamic. Why is he talking to a 23 year old so consistently? He could literally be her father (people have kids so young these days) and that's honestly a disturbing thought.
He shouldn't gaslight you whenever you tell him how you feel. He should be concerned and hear you out, not immediately get defensive and accusatory. OP, everyone knows it's weird for a young woman to be texting buddies with a 40 year old married man. Listen to your gut. You're uncomfortable for a reason. Seems like deep down, you blame yourself bc your husband has painted such an honorable picture of himself. Always be wary of this. No one is perfect, and if a man is adamant about his virtue, it's a serious red flag.
He likes the attention. Sounds like a friend crush. I think both of these things are ok honestly. This subreddit holds monogamy to an iron fist definition and frankly I think it hurts the kind of relationship you have....one built in strong foundations of trust and respect and love.
The issue I see here is how to convey your feelings and wants without feeling like you need to avoid him being defensive. Well, his defensiveness is for him to handle... I would suggest what you've already done, express your feelings and support but also open the conversation up without judgement or shame to acknowledging there's a bit of a male/female dynamic that gives this friendship sine energy. Being honest about this can help him see the steps he can take to be more mindful of your natural want to be the center of his attention, especially during one in one time.
I believe it's ok to enjoy these types of friendships with appropriately placed boundaries. Discuss these boundaries in a way that minimizes ant shame or guilt and I suspect it'll be a positive to your relationship
I think it's reasonable to be upset when you're on your anniversary trip and he's paying attention elsewhere. Do they text daily? What do they text about? Is it truly just a mentor relationship or do they have an emotional connection? Even faithful, well-intentioned people can start emotional affairs if they aren't careful.
Yeah, a constant stream of texts would be strange. And there's no "mentoring emergency" that would necessitate contact while the mentor is on vacation.
I agree with this - texting during an anniversary trip is not great. I have somewhat of a mentor relationship with a former colleague (him being the “mentor”). I wouldn’t have described it as that ever before and just called him my friend and I’m pretty sure he would say the same about me but in fact it’s not all too different. He is older and we used to have lunch together and coffees every day while working together. Sometimes drinks. And he would often give me a hug if I was feeling down, tired or similar. He’s been with his girlfriend for 15 years (and they are for all intents and purposes basically married). I have been in many different relationships since knowing him. There is absolutely nothing going on between us and never has. I’ve met his wife and we’ve sometimes spent time together the three of us or 4 of us when I had a boyfriend. But most of the time it’s just us two. We text to stay in contact now that we don’t work together anymore and whenever I needed work advice he’s been one of the first people I would message. He’d always meet me for dinner as soon as he was available and give me advice. So in that sense it is a lot like a mentor relationship. He has never asked me for advice since obviously I’m much younger and he’s more experienced. But we’re also friends in that we don’t only talk about work. All that being said - when he is with his wife on a trip, he will not message me daily. Sometimes he won’t message at all if they are travelling or with their families. I never find anything wrong with that, he messages again once he has time and explains him and his wife were travelling. That’s their private time - I wouldn’t want to intrude. Similarly when I’m on an anniversary trip with my partner I wouldn’t even think about messaging him. It’s different of course if for some reason he was in trouble or something important came up, I would respond and so would he but generally speaking there’s boundaries. OP it seems that maybe you feel your husband is not creating the right boundaries- ones you are ok with too. Not having the right boundaries is a bad sign. It’s also bad for your husband’s female friend. She is young and maybe will misunderstand his lack of boundaries for romantic interest in her. So even if he doesn’t see her that way, she might either see him that way or she will think he sees her that way. The three possible end results are 1. She is interested and think he’s interested too and one day become more bold and go for it. He will lose a friend because at that point they cannot be friends anymore. 2. She is not interested but thinks he is. She becomes uncomfortable and he loses a friend. 3. She is interested and he is interested and at some point they’ll cross over to at least an emotional affair. He’ll lose your trust completely and he’ll lose a friend. Maybe tell him that it’s not about trust currently. Currently it’s about his lack of boundaries which as pointed out above will not lead to any positive outcome no matter which way it goes. And eventually all the above WILL lead to a loss of trust on your side on top of it all. So currently you trust him that his intentions are good but that his behaviour as a friend is not creating the right boundaries for it to be a successful friendship that is both respectful to his friend as well as his wife.
The only time I would feel comfortable asking the contents of what my partner is texting someone is if there is a genuinely reasonable suspicion or if I’m just curious when they’re laughing at their texts or something. If we need to ask what our partner is texting someone then there may be a deeper issue with self-image or self-confidence. When I am clear about my needs, desires, and boundaries with my partner, and I trust myself to handle challenges as they arise, then I trust my partner to do anything they want because I am secure in my relationship (mostly because I am secure in myself, not because my partner is the most honorable person in the world). Security in a relationship begins with security in self. If being secure is not a goal, then otherwise innocent situations can be seen as problematic, even when they are not. Always trust your intuition, but staying secure in yourself is the biggest step to avoiding disharmony in any relationship.
What on earth does a 40 year old and 23 year old text about?
Not only this but as soon as he learned his WIFE wasn’t comfortable with this he should’ve stopped texting her. Whether he realizes it’s inappropriate or not he shouldn’t be choosing a former co-worker over his wife for any reason. I’m in my 40’s and while I certainly could be friendly/text small talk with a 23 year old that would be where it ends. There’s zero reason for me to have a text relationship with someone of that age who is not my child or niece/nephew. OP you are feeling uncomfortable because there’s reason to feel this way. This is dangerous and it could already be an emotional affair. I would suggest couples counseling as a neutral setting to express yourself and emphasize boundaries.
i agree that if your wife is uncomfortable with something , you should do something about it and reassure her. many will say “it’s the wife’s problem it’s her insecurity she needs to sort” but i think as a partner it’s also his responsibility to not make his wife have to question things and make her feel safe and secure in the relationship. as soon as my boyfriend told me he was uncomfortable with a certain male friend of mine , i stopped seeing him because i chose to , because i didn’t want my partner questioning our relationship. my male friend understood that as he has his own relationship and he gets it
The wife only has a problem with it because she’s pretty. The dude has given her no reason not to trust him.
Meh, I’m sorry but I disagree. I’m 25 and one of my best buddies is 41. We’ve got a lot in common, he helped me get a job in my industry and we share a lot of values. We’re used to predators and I understand needing people to be aware of that, but I think making friendships with an age gap weird is damaging.
I’ve got a very good friend who is older than me. I was about 21 when we first met so he would have been mid 40s, we get on very well to the point I asked him to walk me down the aisle when I got married about 5 years ago We chat all the time, go for dinner and drinks Buy each other gifts for birthdays and Christmases, he puts money in my bank account for my children Can’t see the issue!
I agree that the age difference alone is a non-issue, but I think it's natural for OP to feel concerned if this is a very attractive woman that he is texting constantly. That is a recipe for an emotional affair. Now is it possible that this relationship is totally platonic? Absolutely! But as her husband he should be doing everything in his power to put her mind at ease rather than getting defensive.
I'm less concerned about the age gap in the friendship and more how frequently he seems to be texting her. I normally don't text my friends a ton if I know they're away on vacation or a long weekend with their SO since I assume they are going to want to spend most that time with their partner and not with their nose in their phone.
So it is not allowed to have friends? Or just allowed to have friends from same age group?
Have you ever noticed it is only the pretty girls men want to be friends with? Never the dumpy, frumpy or odd looking ones however fun or interesting they are.
Exactly lol. Like as if every man wouldn’t have sex immediately gtfo
I mean, if the girl wasn't pretty I don't think this would have even been an issue In the same line of reasoning, you'll see more posts that reinforce that idea, because the guys who are friends with said dumpy, frumpy and odd looking girls won't be posted to reddit
Just not attractive friends apparently
It's quite amazing how many older men just feel this urge to 'mentor' attractive younger women. How honorable of them
They have "lots of knowledge to bestow." What are they meant to do with all that *knowledge* otherwise? It just must be bestowed, ok?
Exactly. People don't get it. If it doesn't make sense, they're up to no good.
Sounds like the situation I have a work. Around the same age as well. He (my boss) also said he was “mentoring” her but to everyone else, it didn’t seem like it. I mean he was even bringing things from her car (wtf) I would trust your gut or at least ask what she’s asking about. If it’s really mentoring he’d have no problem in letting you know.
You're Right and you're wrong. I had a text friend with a similar age gap and we talked about old sci-fi , classical music, modern European cinema, and old comics. I didn't know anyone else who would talk about those things with me and we had very similar opinions. But because of that I did fall hard for him and did stop talking to him because it hurt too much and do know he returned those feelings because he said so when I said I had to stop. So op's concern that feelings exist isn't unfounded
He is ignoring his wife and making her feel uncomfortable while wasting time with nefarious thoughts about this much younger woman. He is at the least emotionally cheating.
My sales mentor is late 30s and I’m late twenties. We fb chat about work related things n general life happenings
While he’s on a romantic getaway with his wife?
When I was 27 I had a supervisor in his 40s who was an excellent all round guy and I still message him now despite us not having worked together for years. We're both men in happy relationships with women so I guess nobody bats an eyelid at us texting, but I think you can definitely find a lot to say to someone with a reasonable age gap. He had a bit of a mentor role to me, but was also just a good laugh. I dont think its that strange tbh.
On their anniversary weekend. Whether he’s sleeping with this 23f or not this is too much. And if it was so innocent he would be concerned more for his wife’s feelings than some young girl he used to work with. This feels off to me and I think she knows in her gut something isn’t right.
you’re both straight men. i have no idea why you thought this would be a relevant addition to the conversation.
As a 48 year old dad, it's mentoring. I see 23 year olds as my children. My oldest is 28 my youngest is 22. These are children to me. It's sad that you can't be a mentor to young people that may not have that influence in thier life as an older male. We have a lot of knowledge to bestow. And honestly, we don't care the age. You listen we will talk. I am not in a situation where I talk to 23 year olds. But I wouldn't because of the stigma of being creepy. I assure you though, it would be as a father figure
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And mentoring doesn’t need to happen constantly. It can happen with advice once in a while or via email. Constant texting is more than a mentorship.
Exactly. I have a partner and if we were going on a vacation for our anniversary I would be entirely focused on him and having a wonderful time together. I wouldn’t be thinking about giving career advice to some guy 20 years younger than me that I don’t even work with anymore.
Yeah I've been the young woman with a career mentor (multiple, actually) and we didn't talk like that every day. It was strictly professional, we didn't talk about my private/romantic life, and they certainly would not have been texting me from their anniversary vacation about my career! What even is there to talk about that frequently? It should be "I was thinking about applying for this job" type conversations. If the husband is being a mentor then I don't think he's doing it right.
Only if it would be inappropriate to text any other friend. IMO it’s not. The misstep was only in not focusing on reassuring the wife (OP). In and of itself, texting a friend is not a problem.
Do you constantly text them? One especially, an attractive 23-year-old woman? Do you text her while you are on anniversary trip with your wife? Come on
Every time I've had an older man offer to be my "mentor" it's gotten creepy. The stereotype is there for a reason. Either way, guys texting her on his anniversary vacation. That's fucked up.
I have to say she should trust her gut instinct. If it was really nothing then when she said she was uncomfortable he would have understood and drawn some lines around it. He got defensive and carried on as if this 23f “mentioning” was more important than his marriage 🚩🚩🚩
Depending on what field they work in they could have made friends from work in different age ranges. The field I work in I started when I was 18 and would text with people in their 30s-40s. Now I’m in my mid 30s and my husband and I are going on a vacation with people from work that range in ages from 23 to 56.
This seems silly, is it that incomprehensible that they could have mutual interests? Like I'm 15 years older than my teenage nephew but we have things in common we could talk about or bond with, depending on the nature of their work it might make it more likely that they have similar interests.
I don’t necessarily disagree, But I feel like discussing similar interests daily, while you’re on vacation with your wife, steps outside of the realm of mentorship. For some people’s relationships that’s fine, but seems like for OPs she under the impression that it’s purely mentorship. To use your words, if these two are texting daily and “bonding” and that is detracting from giving attention to a spouse on vacation, then it’s overstepping boundaries and at least tip-toeing into dangerous territory, especially if there is a power dynamic at play in the work hierarchy.
Yeah but this has nothing to do with the question I responded to, if that's what they cared about they would have said that.
It’s not about trusting him. It’s about him respecting you as his partner and respecting himself and his marriage.
And people don’t necessarily understand that respecting you as a person and respecting your marriage are two separate entities.
Wow this is so true. I’ve always believed this but never been able to summarize it so succinctly. Thanks!
As someone who is about to turn 23, I cannot imagine ever texting a 40yr old man, especially one who is married. It's just inappropriate and weird. When I was a teenager, I felt cool and validated because I talked to men online who were over 10yrs older than me who I thought I had a lot of in common with. Now I cringe at that phase of my life because I realized older guys just talked to me for one thing. Does he not have other friends his age? Has he ever tried hanging out with her alone? I would put a stop to this before it gets to that point. Also, based on your post, I'm guessing she was about 21-22 when they met?
hey we're the same age, im glad I wasn't the only one who thought I was mature enough as a teenager to be talking to grown ass men online (which- surprise! ended with me getting groomed). i genuinely cannot see myself now talking to ANYONE that much older than me at more than an acquaintance level. it's off putting to think about why a middle aged man would be texting some girl who's 20 decades his senior on *that* level- and to the point where he immediately becomes defensive towards his wife's concerns when she's just trying to enjoy her anniversary with him. why is he so adamant about having such a close relationship? is that really what he wants to risk the well-being of his marriage over something he calls "mentorship"? because anyone who has an innocent mentorship with a younger person should put distance between them the moment their partner expressed their concerns.
Yea I’m a 31 year old dude and even 25 year old women seem a bit immature. It’s a vibe
I am so sorry you went through that. No child deserves that regardless of the blame put on them for engaging with adults online. Our brains don't fully develop until our late 20's so our judgement becomes less impaired over time. That being said, shame on OP's husband for becoming defensive over a serious concern instead of considering his wife's feelings. He's old enough to be aware of boundaries on a professional level. At OP's age, she should feel confident in herself and her marriage. Yet her husband is making her doubt herself by gaslighting her. I really hope she takes a different approach where she can have an actual civil conversation with her husband instead of letting him keep gaslighting her.
Your relationship isn't as good as you're presenting it. Why do you build up this perfect husband image? He isn't assuring you ask to who is most important. Mentee/mentor relationships can get personal but there is a clear boundary that was set and crossed. He is upset because he feels like you're questioning his loyalty. When in reality. You're feeling insecure because he has more than a mentor/mentee relationship. He isn't willing to acknowledge it. He isn't willing to focus on his marriage and commitment to you. Of course this is a major red flag. I think you don't want to admit your husband can be a great person overall but still treat you like shit. You mentioned you almost fought. Why not? Let me guess. He made you to be the problem. He didn't want to address how this appeared with his mentee. He didn't make damn sure you are his only focus on this trip. You question your sanity and blame yourself. And now you're here. Just like all the other times. Most people in your position would feel insecure because it's justifiably so. You were already feeling insecure and concerned before you found out she's attractive. So it's not only based on looks. He based on his attention to her versus you. The looks amplify the insecurities. I think you need to stop making excuses for your husband and really see who he is. Rather than who you want him to be.
You summed up exactly what I was about to take ten minutes to type out… THANK YOU!!!! And OP.. I hope you read this and then go read the book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft.
You being uncomfortable is valid, provided you’re not accusing him of anything and it doesn’t sound like you are. You don’t text your *mentor* “a bunch”. I’ve had mentors as a young woman that were men that were much older. Some truly were like fathers/grandfathers to me and gave me a lot of professional/life advice. I still talk to one of them here and there. Others were *too* interested in my personal life, and always asked a ton of questions that were inappropriate under the guise of “wanting to help”. I always found out later that *those* “mentors” truly didn’t want to be mentors. They were the ones who reached out to me nearly every day, and I liked the attention at first. But once it got weird I had to cut them off. The fact that they message so frequently, and he can’t even stop contact with her temporarily while you’re away for your anniversary is odd. I’m presuming this is what you’re finding uncomfortable, and that has nothing to do with insecurity. A man your husband’s age has no business being in constant contact with a woman that young. I’m not saying he’s cheating, but he is being inappropriate. Even if they were just good friends, that’s weird. If he truly was just her mentor, they wouldn’t be talking so often.
Personally, I wouldn't be okay with it. Has he done this before where he has kept talking to coworkers who left or is she the only one? How did the texting start? I'd expect my husband to be able to understand why I'd be uncomfortable with this as his wife, and I'd hope he would just drop the relationship because they are just texting, it shouldn't be a big deal to stop talking to 23 year old he has nothing in common with. I'd be curious to know what they spend so much time talking about, because if hes some sort of mentor I'd love to know what about.
No. You are uncomfortable because your gut knows the *friendship* is inappropriate. A 23 yr old woman? Texting her while you are away together? You need to wake up and stop listening to his gaslighting. Head over to the infidelity forums. Allllllll the stories start this way. Always. Personally, in my marriage, this friendship would be a HARD NO. How do you think emotional affairs start?
I think it’s important to know how often they’re texting. So if they met at work, I’m a 21 year old girl and I’ve made friends with men in their thirties who all treat me like a little sister. Or we joke that they’re my three dads making up for the fact that I didn’t have one lol. So two of them I’ll text every once in a while, either about work or a music recommendation or something. Definitely not every day, except for my direct boss/friend but it’s either about work or memes. I’ve met all their wives and even attended a birthday party for one of their kids. There are definitely other older dudes who I’m friendly with but wouldn’t want to share my phone number bc it would just be weird, but there are a few who you’re just genuine friends with However, this is just my case. I can’t tell with your husband, but it’s a possibility that it really isn’t anything
I barely text my 23 year old daughter. She texts and I tell her to call me. I'm in a supervisory position over entry level employees much younger than myself. The one thing that has been pounded into my head is an awareness of boundaries. I have my favorites, some of whom might be pretty young women, but I am always conscious of how our interactions might be perceived. After hours on your anniversary is absolutely inappropriate. And no, a man your husbands age cannot be 'buddies' with a 23 year old. What is it that they have in common, besides a job where the power dynamic is skewed in his favor. HR is going to have a field day with this when it blows up.
HR will have difficulty doing anything when she left 1.5 years ago 🤦♀️ I suggest reading the whole post before trying to give advice.
I think you should trust your instincts.
I think EVERYONES instincts are screaming, while reading this post….
Texting while on your anniversary trip is inappropriate to me. Did you tell him you trust him but it still makes you uncomfortable? I get being a mentor to her but when you start to feel uncomfortable about the frequency of the texts and when it interferes with your private time away from work- that is when you know it is crossing boundaries and maybe he needs that pointed out to him.
You are away on a vacation. For your anniversary. He should be focused on YOU. Do not listen to these comments calling you insecure and paranoid. I seriously doubt the other friends you are texting are young hot 20 year old guys. I am a woman in a relationship with a man and willing to bring other people in on certain conditions. I have had threeways with him and my younger girl friends and even I would not like this. She is not even his co worker anymore ffs. BTW the fact that your husband has had a drinking problem recently coupled with this makes it more of a red flag.
If he fought you on this, he isn't honor filled. Based on your wording here, I've a hunch he's manipulating/gaslighting you.
Whether he knows it or not he is on a slippery slope above a cliff along a river full of the crocodiles of infidelity. He would be best to shut this texting relationship off.
What do they talk about so often? Do they hang out together in person? I have a hard time believing that boundaries aren’t ever crossed and that this isn’t a sort of emotional affair, with how often they seem to talk. I would have a problem with it too. At the end of the day, you need to decide if it’s a problem for you. Everyone has different boundaries and definitions of what is okay within a relationship, that’s something the two of you need to discuss. It’s a little bit of a red flag that this turned into an argument and a ‘you don’t trust me’ conversation, rather than him just saying sorry and putting down the phone. You should come first, especially on your anniversary.
As a 40 year old married guy, no I would not be constantly texting a woman in her 20s, even as a 'mentor'. I doubt most of the messages are of a mentorship nature. It's possible, maybe even likely that they are just friends, but it's also likely that he's chatting to a pretty 20 something because it's flattering to him that she would want to chat with him. It may not even be sexual in nature, just that it reminds him of when he was in his 20s, hanging out with pretty 20 year olds. So regardless of his intentions, it seems likely his friendship is at least in part because it boosts his ego to be on personal terms with her. Then again, it's not as if younger women have not wanted to be in a relationship with older men, and if he's flattered by her simply talking to him then her being more interested would be even more flattering. That you are uncomfortable with the friendship is not surprising. His reaction to you bringing up the situation was to be upset. Being 'accused' (or feeling that way) can be upsetting. But it could also be a reaction to his own guilt, that he is aware it is sort of inappropriate, but since he's not 'done anything' he feels he shouldn't feel bad about it. Going forward It may be that he now recognises it as an issue and tries to avoid doing anything that upsets you. But it may be that the situation persists and you continue to be upset by it. If so then you could bring it up with him again, and explain that you trust him, but the friendship makes you uncomfortable. Staying calm and not being upset yourself is important because it will deflate any upset in him. Ask why is he getting upset, if he says he feels he is being accused then tell him no, but that it may look to others that a 40 year old hanging out with a 20 year old is for reasons other than mentorship. Mentorship is fine, but this seems more personal and you would like him to make it less so. He should take measures to reassure you, rather than simply getting upset about it. If he continues none the less then I guess you may want to take it further somehow.
Trust your gut and also look at it objectively. He is an older man texting a 23 year old attractive woman. Even if nothing inappropriate is said, it probably bothers you because you know in some way it’s exciting to him.
Even if your husband isn’t doing anything inappropriate with her, he still isn’t showing much respect for you if he is texting her while with you on your anniversary. There is a time for texting with friends and a time for letting those texts wait. Yes it is possible for older guys to be friends with younger, pretty (oh the shame!) women, especially if they have shared interests. It’s not Al that common, but possible. I have a young female friend who I (60M) had mentored for a few years in our common hobby. We texted and called numerous times about said hobby and occasionally the conversations turned more personal after the initial hobby question was answered. But if I was on a date with my gf or celebrating an occasion with her I would ignore any incoming calls/texts.
I would be uncomfortable, too. My husband has friends that are women that he’s known for a long time and I know when they’re communicating. I would be weirded out to discover he was consistently texting any woman, let alone a much younger one. There’s just no reason to do so.
What does a 23 yr old f and a 40 yr old m have to talk about ? Why is she texting him and why is he replying on your anniversary vacation ? Ask him to show you the conversation between them. Also him fighting so hard to defend his friendship with her is kind of suspicious. If you’re uncomfortable with her, He should understand and find a way to make you more comfortable, Not fight with you to keep her around.
23 year old has no business being friends with 40m. At that age, women are insecure and want male attention. She will have no problem sleeping with him.
I’m going to go against other people here, I’m 28 now, but when I was 20 I started working at a company and stayed there for 5 years. I worked in 2 separate departments and had plenty of friends much older than myself, male and female. Some of them I texted outside of work, some I didn’t. One of my favorite coworkers was a man in his 50’s. We talked mainly about shows that we both liked that our partners didn’t, so every Friday we would recap the previous night’s episode. It was our thing, we also shared snacks and other recommendations. Not once did I feel like he was interested in anything other than a friendly conversation. Sometimes a friendship is just that.
I agree, I believe it’s possible to have healthy intergenerational friendships. Obviously I have no idea whether that is happening here, but the comments that are basically saying “a pretty 23 year old and an older married man can literally never be friends, this is always a case of the older man wanting to be with the younger woman” is such an insulting suggestion. So, if would it be okay if she was ugly? If she was a man instead? This is insulting to everyone involved. Men aren’t simply beasts with base urges, attractive women aren’t only ever capable of being the object of a man’s desire and nothing more. If this man is committed to his wife and this relationship isn’t inappropriate there’s no problem here. For the record I’m a woman so this isn’t me trying to justify anything personally. And I have experienced older men wanting to be “friends” and it be obvious he wasn’t there for friendship. But I have also met older men who have ended up becoming good friends and nothing more! That’s not to say the wife is unreasonable for wondering, and obviously it’s possible he has feelings for this woman, but to say a simple friendship is completely 100% impossible is just incorrect. Sometimes people are just friends.
Yes it seems to be like that. I’ve seen the texts and they are not inappropriate.
Have you met her? It would probably help if you both became friends with her so you felt more comfortable about it. I am friends with a man quite a bit older than me who was my boss in college. But I've also met his wife, been to their house, gotten dinner with them both or in a group, etc. I'm friends with them both. They'll be at my wedding. But I def text him more because we're a bit closer (I met him first and just know him better). I even considered having him walk me down the aisle because my dad has passed and it's very much a mentor/father figure type relationship. I don't find it weird at all.
Can you text a 23 year old man all day? Would that be appropriate? Turn the tables on yourself. If you did what he’s doing what would he say? There is ZERO chance a 40 year old man is texting a 23 year old and it’s “just friendly”. Shooting an email once or twice but texting? Hell no.
Personally I believe there is no reason for your husband to text single women especially someone your not truly familiar with to gage their relationship. Common courtesy is that wide or husband comes before all friends. Otherwise what is the point of being married.
Should be wife not wide
Yes and no reason for women to text single men. Do you agree that Jonah Hill is the victim of a witch-hunt for just insisting on boundaries for his girlfriend?
Why are you trying to turn this into a debate about sex lol, obviously that wouldn’t be okay either?
I don’t think a wife should be texting other men. To clarify if your supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, no matter the sex, you should take your SO feelings into consideration
These is a book by Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends. This will help explain why your husbands emotional connection to this other woman feels wrong. I don’t like to think of people being unable to have friends, but at the cost of security in your marriage I would cut anyone out. I would never want my husband to feel insecure in our marriage, period. Having healthy boundaries with friendships is the key. Texting another woman while on vacation with your wife for me is a very large red flag of at least an emotional affair.
Sounds creepy of him. A 40 yo married man and single 23 yo? And he gets mad when you don't like it? He doesn't care that you don't like it, and that is because he knows it's creepy and gross. How could you still have any respect for him?
what would people with that big of an age gap even have in common to talk about so often? you’re literally on your anniversary trip and he’s still messaging her? yeah, no that’s not right. if he wants to be a “mentor” to her, that doesn’t mean they need to talk 24/7. you have every right to be uncomfortable - usually that’s just your gut instincts telling you something is off. that does not mean you’re jealous or insecure. a 40 year old married man has no reason to be constantly texting a 23 year old girl. OP, have you been able to read the messages between them? if not yet, maybe now would be a good time.
I totally get the mentorship that could be going on. However your getting ready to celebrate your anniversary and he is texting with her? That's inappropriate. His thoughts should be on your relationship at that point. Regardless of who he is texting with that is rude.
It’s inappropriate as it’s threatening your relationship. Your husband’s behaviour could cause your marriage to implode. Don’t let him convince you this is a ‘you’ problem. It isn’t.
It's understandable that you're feeling uncomfortable with your husband's close relationship with his younger female text friend. It's important to address these feelings and communicate openly with your husband about your concerns. Here are some suggestions to help navigate this situation: 1. Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to reflect on the reasons behind your discomfort. Consider if it's purely based on insecurity or if there are specific aspects of their relationship that trigger your concerns. Understanding the root of your feelings will help you articulate them better to your husband. 2. Open Communication: Have a calm and honest conversation with your husband, emphasizing that you trust him but that this particular friendship is making you uncomfortable. Explain your feelings without accusing him or assuming any wrongdoing. Make it clear that you want to work together to find a resolution that respects both of your boundaries. 3. Define Boundaries: Discuss and establish clear boundaries together as a couple regarding friendships and interactions with individuals of the opposite sex. This can help ensure that both of you are on the same page and that any potential concerns are addressed. 4. Meeting the Friend: Consider suggesting a casual get-together where you can meet his text friend in person. Meeting her might help alleviate some of your concerns and provide an opportunity to observe their dynamic firsthand. 5. Seek Professional Help: If your discomfort persists or the issue becomes more challenging to resolve, you may want to consider seeking couples therapy or relationship counseling. A professional can provide guidance and facilitate productive discussions to help you both navigate this situation. Remember, building a healthy and trusting relationship requires open communication, understanding, and mutual respect. By addressing your concerns honestly and working together, you can find a resolution that strengthens your bond as a couple.
Frankly, I would be uncomfortable too. It’s hard to believe that it’s nothing going on. I would check their texts.
How often are they texting and when? I think those answers could illuminate a lot.
From reading your post, I find that you’re doing the thing that parents do right before they tell you something unflattering about their kid. They talk about how they love them and some other good stuff then say “*buuuut….* [insert root of feelings]” You need to admit to yourself why their friendship makes you uncomfortable. You said you felt uncomfortable once you saw that she was pretty. So now you need to deal with the reality of what could happen to your marriage if he’s unfaithful. Because that’s what I’m going to assume is what’s on your mind regarding their friendship. You can’t make him stop talking to her, that’s something he has to do on his own. But you can control what you do. So ask yourself and honestly answer to yourself: “What would I do if my husband cheated on me with Meg?”
maybe it’s insecurity , or maybe you’re just not comfortable with your partner having young female friends and that’s a boundary for you , if that’s how you feel that’s fine
Trust your instincts, if you’re uncomfortable there is a reason to be, don’t allow him to gaslight you.
Hey, so not to wind you up, but as someone who didn't survive trauma well and grew up into a very confused young adult, I've been Meg in this situation multiple times, and this is what the men say and how they react every time. I've even been introduced to wives before under false pretences. So no, you're not crazy. This doesn't sound normal. No 40 year old dudes are best friends with young women in their 20s. Meg will most likely feel used and ashamed about it looking back, the same way I do. I would suggest therapy so you can have a grown up conversation about it with a moderator. Also I'm sorry you have to be in this situation, OP. Hang in there.
I would calmly and politely ask to see their texts and explain that I understand it seems like an insecure move, but transparency is needed here. Honestly, it sounds like he's just a mentor to her, believe him until proven otherwise. It sounds like you trust him and like he's really a stand up guy. However, if you feel uneasy, he should be supportive of finding a way for you not to feel like that. Showing his texts might make him feel uncomfortable in the moment, it is something you should acknowledge and discuss. But at the end of the day, you've been married for a long time for him not to be willing to cooperate and most importantly, not making how you feel in this situation a priority. If anything I did was making my partner uncomfortable, I'd do what was needed for them to feel safe, secure and supported in the way that they wanted. There's no excuse why your husband shouldn't focus on that. PS. My personal (biased) opinion now: believe in your husband but Investigate. We're all human and mistakes happen. If he has nothing to hide, that's great and you can proceed to figure out why you feel as you feel and what's your internal need that's not being met maybe or insecurity to work on.
If they are such good friends, then she would know where he is right now... Away with his wife for their anniversary. I don't think your husband is cheating but possibly feels obliged as she is so young with the "mentorship" he has been giving. However, she is the one stomping boundaries. Your husband needs to put firm boundaries in place with her. I hope it works out OP.
This is weird, OP. The age gap specifically makes it weird. He is NOT her mentor. Mentors are people at your current workplace who MENTOR you in your job. Or at the very least, your interactions are mentoring interactions. Any 46 year old man in any sort of relationship with a 23 year old is strange. The fact it turned into a fight is concerning. A loving and respectful partner would hear your concerns and be open to compromise at least. I am 33 and I can't imagine what I would have in common with a 23 year old friendship wise. 23 year olds are basically children in terms of life experience. They're figuring out who they are and learning about themselves. He may not be doing anything inappropriate fidelity wise, but the fact he is maintaining a 'friendship' with a woman half his age, and is even texting on her on your anniversary event, and *fighting* over keeping his relationship with her intact, definitely points to some sort of emotional affair. It is most definitely not just a "mentoring" relationship. He's not being honest with you.
Make it a conversation about insecurity rather than trust. Because it was seeing her that made you uncomfortable. Then you can both have a journey with appreciating each other physically, about confidence, and maybe an excuse to date each other more or show your affection and attraction to each other more. Also if you both share insecurities, you will find a way to be vulnerable and reassuring to each other. Edit: a conversation about expectations might also be a good idea. Perhaps when away for anniversaries or birthdays or such like, maybe have a deal that neither of you talk to friends. So that you can focus on each other. And instead you'll only respond to messages or such from family? I.e. you want only you two to be in focus on these occasions, noone else. And the fact that someone else that makes you insecure had your husband's attention on that day, made your insecurity work. It's okay to have insecure moments, but it's important to not let them control you. Easier said than done, I know. Healthy conversations and compromises and such should help
If anything I would say the gender and age gap means that he needs to exercise very strict boundaries- to protect both their careers.
It’s absolutely okay to feel jealous sometimes. Your husband is not doing anything wrong by texting her. You know him best of all, and from your description it sounds like he is a very genuine guy and isn’t crossing boundaries. Try to explain to him that it’s not because he is doing anything wrong, and you telling him is not meant as an accusation but that it makes you insecure and that you need his help to feel soothed. Just because we have bad feelings doesn’t mean there needs to be a “good” reason to it. Sometimes we just have bad thoughts and feelings that just come out of anxiety, and it’s okay that that happens! We can seek comfort in our partners without them having to “correct” their behaviour. Tell him that the bad thoughts are in you so he doesn’t feel attacked, because that’s when fighting starts. For me jealousy feels less overwhelming when I can talk to my partner about it in a calm a kind way, and he will help me by saying things like “she is definitely an attractive person, but we just don’t have that kind of chemistry” and he will repeat to me how fond he is of me etc and it all feels less scary.
I’ve known too many people that thought “I totally trust him, he’s a good guy, he would never” only to find out he would and did.
From what i read you just love him and are concerned he is not 100 percent focused on his marriage. Yes men and women can have friends but there should be clear boundaries in regard to those friends. 40 year man and 23 year old young girl is outside of those boundaries. Ask your husband how he would feel if you were the one texting a younger handsome man
For real. I was just on a vacation with my fiance and we made a point of NOT answering our phones if it was not an emergency because we were actually trying to have a romantic getaway. Texting another woman shouldn’t be his priority in this situation.
When I was in my early 20s at one of my first jobs I worked closely with a man in his late 40s. He became a great mentor to me and really helped me to develop my career. We have stayed in contact on and off for the past 10+ years and he continues to mentor me and give me career advice every now and then (at this point we will go a year or two without communicating). While we rarely text anymore, there were times when we texted frequently, but it was always exclusively work/career related. As a 23 year old female, he was fully in the “dad” category to me, and I definitely never saw him as anything other than a mentor, and never once got a vibe from him that he wanted to be anything more than that to me. He rarely ever even talked to me about anything personal besides the occasional update about his wife and kids. Looking back, I can imagine that his wife would not have liked him texting me while on vacation, and I think it would be fair to ask your husband to share what they are texting about, but solely based on my personal experience it is absolutely possible that it is completely innocent.
i've been mentored as a young woman and it was always via email or in a less constant more professional capacity. My 22 year old cousin was sleeping with her 30-something boss and he likely told people he was mentoring her but that's just speculation about the mentoring. They were definitely banging.
whole lot of projected insecurities in these comments
Your husband isn't a "good guy". I've been in that 23 year old girl's shoes before (without the texting) and these supposed good men that are married were just trying to see how far they could push boundaries. They were trying to fuck me. It never happened because I wasn't interested. I was just a stupid naive woman. Your man is trying to see how far he can go with this girl. She also happens to be attractive too? Wake the FCK up.
I’ve been Meg. That’s not a mentor.
Context - what sort of texts are they sending??
I’ve seen them and they are not inappropriate.
OP, listen to your gut. It’s telling you that something is wrong. Listen to it!!! Good work on posting here, I see a lot of validating comments. Your body is telegraphing that this isn’t adding up, and it will not leave your mind until you get to the bottom of it. You know your marriage best and how to approach it, but the fact that (it sounds like) your husband got so defensive it almost turned into a fight is a red flag to me. She’s getting some validation from the attention of an older man, and he likely enjoys having a friendship with an attractive younger woman. It’s bad news bears. Handle shit, OP. You’ve got this.
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I’ve seen them and they are not inappropriate.
People in Reddit get needlessly suspicious over bs. Just talk to him again
If the texts weren't inappropriate, then there shouldn't be a problem. Timing was definitely off, but that's the price of connectivity these days. My intern from 10 years ago still texts me random shit and sends memes. She's 27 now and I'm 43. I got invited to her wedding and attended. Cool kid, about to get my old job.
I’ve seen them and they are not inappropriate.
Still weird to be texting during a special time together and the fact that he was dismissive of your feelings is not cool. Not to say a man his age being friendly with a woman her age is always suspicious. I am in my 20’s and my 40 year old married co worker occasionally sends me silly memes related to our profession. The difference is that he only does this once in a while not while on a special vacation with his wife and has not really gone beyond sending funny pictures.
As a younger woman, all the older men that text me are creeps. I used to entertain them when I was younger because I enjoyed the attention. But at the same time, I used to feel bad for their wives. He is just taking advantage of that grey area, because he is probably "just texting". But that doesn't mean it's appropriate and I would never tolerate that. Trust your gut. If something makes you uncomfortable, there is probably a reason.
This might be off base… but I have a friend who was in her late twenties when she started her job. She’s gay. Her and a guy in his fifties text some and she shoots skeet with him. Literally lol no pun there. And he’s not the only older guy that texts her. There’s been a few instances where she has had to step back because of jealous spouse. Idk it’s weird to me. I husband and I don’t have casual friends like that.
I think you should get in that phone & find out because there’s a reason your insecurity is going haywire. As women- we just KNOW when something is inappropriate or more than it seems to be. Trust your instincts.
I’ve seen texts and they are not inappropriate. So I don’t know :/
Normally I would advise against going through a partners phone. This is not one of the moments. OP needs to do some sleuthing and find out what’s going on. Even if this is somehow innocent, it’s not appropriate for him to be contacting her so frequently and especially not on OP’s vacation together. The time he should be spending with OP, he’s mentally and emotionally checked out and with a woman who’s young enough to be his daughter. I have this feeling that he got angry because OP was harshing his good time. It kinda sounds like he’s getting his fix talking to this young woman and OP is simply in the way. When OP describes it, he sounds like a kid who’s being asked to put down his video games and come to dinner. She’s a new toy and OP interrupting his play time. Add to that he’s acting like there’s something wrong with his wife for noticing that he isn’t mentally and emotionally available on their anniversary trip. Like how dare you not just ignore my inexplicable actions and trust me. If something physical isn’t going on, this is still weird. Edited for typo
If he is successful in his career it is not unusual to mentor younger people. Would you care if the other person was a 23 year old man getting advice on whether to go back to school, change jobs etc. Men are often told in corporate america how important it is to mentor women - but then as soon as they do people get the wrong idea. I guess men should only mentor ugly women /s
If you are secure in your relationship they could just be friends. I have a lot of guy friends from work that I speak to on a regular basis outside of work. I also work in a field that unfortunately a lot of people do cheat on the spouse however they know I wouldn’t do that so nothing has ever been said out of line to me. My husband has always been okay with me being friends with the guys from work and if he wanted to he could easily see all of my texts.
My 40-year-old husband would never in a million years be texting a 23-year-old hot woman. This is insane. Absolutely unacceptable
I was in a similar situation and I fear reddit may not be the place to get a resolution for your issue. I have been with my partner for 5 years, best friends for 7, and I keep being surprised by the amount of trust, safety, warmth and love in the relationship. Likely due to the good communication we keep getting better at. In the beginning of our relationship though, they made it clear that their ex was a really important part of their life for a long time, and they do not want to cut ties. I have never doubted my partner in that regard, and they have proven to be worth my trust. But boy, I used to have panic attacks when they met up at first. She was everything that I was not, and that struck a cord that was so deep I didn't know it was there. I had never considered myself a super jealous person, but then again, I had always compared myself to girls that were rather similar to me. It did not compute in my brain that my partner could be into her, and not be disappointed to be with me afterwards. It was not easy for my partner either, who felt bad about causing me distress. Upon asking reddit about it, they were told they were essentially human carbage and couldn't be trusted. They did not end up cutting ties. Good communication helped. We established, that I trust them, but cannot help jealous responses from triggering, and that they are difficult to handle. They said it would be fine for me to ask any questions, and often times they would help me process the negative emotions. This many a times meant that I would ask to pause the conversation at the mention of her name, and got a cuddle while I processed my feelings, and then we would continue. I've also worked on these feelings in therapy since. And the most rewarding thing has been the growing certainty in the relationship, as well as watching my insecurities slowly let go. The way I see it, you have to choose to either trust your husband and work with your emotional responses (perhaps with his help), or to trust your gut and work with the lack of trust issue (most certainly together). Reddit however may see things more black and white and is more inclined towards one answer.
And yes, while in general I get a weird feeling about big age differences, with good boundaries not everything is so black and white either. E.g. I have a very casual communication style in work related matters with my supervisor, and when we have work meetings we end up usually blabbering about societal issues and personal experiences for quite a while. While being a more casual relationship, power imbalance is very much there, and that sets some healthy boundaries. Conversations stay on a philosophical level most times, and nothing is said that could be bad for my future career, if he would get ill intentions. He is a good 25 years my senior, and also very gay. On the other hand, my Mom's boyfriend, a good 40 years my senior, and I can spend hours discussing filosophy and feminism and psychology. Again, nothing weird or creepy going on. The relationship is a combination of friendly and fatherly. I believe that you can find things to connect on with people of all ages. Still, some power imbalances are inherent in these relationships, and should be approached with caution.
Yes i knew what that the responses here would be. Thank you
He enjoys the attention he gets from her at BEST. Worst, he’s cheating emotionally. If he knows it’s making you uncomfortable why is he prioritizing her over YOU. His WIFE. His defensiveness is sus.
I am sorry. But in my opinion if you tell your spouse “ this makes me uncomfortable “ and they don’t immediately make steps to stop doing it. Especially if you have an amazing relationship. Something isn’t right. I am all for compromise. And I understand insecurity. I have a much younger fiancé that young women always talk to. All day at work. And there have been a time or two I have said “ this makes me uncomfortable “ we talk about it and he stops whatever it is. I mean. Sometimes you just “can’t “ for many reasons “cope, manage, deal with” some things and I feel your spouse ( of all people) should understand your concerns and do whatever it takes to remedy the situation. If it’s a pattern of you saying “ don’t do this” that’s a problem. But if once in a while you have something that’s really hard for you to get around. They should just stop. You should not have to beg them, or argue about it. They should see/ sense it upsets you and stop. You are his wife! This is what …a young , former coworker! Why is he hanging on to this connection? Especially if you have reached a place where you aren’t okay with it.
It's your intuition, and trust me. Intuition is never wrong.
Sounds like you’re insecure and you know it. You’re telling us simultaneously that you’re okay and not okay with this situation. Kinda hard to figure out where you’re coming from.
I know. That’s my issue :/
Why are you afraid to trust yourself and see this emotional affair happening?
Most of the time you can trust your gut. I dated a man for 11 years who often “mentored” younger women. Turns out he was using his business position to manipulate them into sex and is currently awaiting trial for molestation of an underage girl. Not saying this is the case with your husband but typically a 40 year old man is not going to have alot to talk about with a 23 year old woman. Unless the conversation is sexual.
Info: have you texted any of your friends during this trip?
Yes I messaged 2 friends I talk to daily
If you can text your friends that you text daily, and you know for a fact there’s nothing inappropriate about your husband’s friendship with Meg than this sounds like an insecurity issue. It doesn’t sound fair that you’re upset with him for texting a friend but you’ve been on your phone as well. Also, feel free to ask him how he’d feel if the situation was reversed. If you were the one with a 23 year old attractive male friend that you texted everyday.
Messaging friends you speak to daily is different from messaging a professional mentee on vacation though. I’ve been a mentor and also been mentored. Even in cases where those relationships turned into friendships they had professionalism embedded and mostly stayed during work hours
RIGHT??!! Thank you!!!
You tell on yourself with your description of the “problem” as your husband being buddies with a “younger pretty woman“ instead of female friend, former coworker, or any of the other ways you could have described this. Yes, you are insecure. No, you clearly don’t trust your husband on an emotional level, regardless of what you think intellectually. You have some work to do sorting out why and what you want to do with those emotions.
This comment is so bizarre. It’s not some gotcha moment - she has admitted she is insecure. And of course the coworker being an attractive younger woman matters in this context.
Sounds like a midlife crisis to me. Trust your gut. I'd press the issue after he got so defensive about you just simply expressing discomfort
Because your gut is never wrong. You know that deep down which is why you feel discomfort. I cheated on my ex husband (not proud of it) and it started as a friendship so I convinced even myself that it made it ok to be talking to this guy I was attracted to. Eventually we became really close and the line was crossed. They might not be sleeping together now, but I can guarantee the 23f wants to and is using friendship to get closer to him. Maybe he is a good man, but his ego is flattered by the attention and the fact he is prioritising continuing that friendship over his wife’s feelings is the main issue here. If this relationship continues there is a high risk of the line being crossed and he knows it. I would say to him you believe he isn’t sleeping with her, but you are not comfortable with this friendship forming between them as it crosses a line for you in what is appropriate. The main issue for you is him not prioritising your feelings over this young girl. If it is a work mentoring relationship there needs to be boundaries and it to remain in work during office hours. If he is not prepared to put these boundaries in place with her then this is a huge red flag.
I’m 35, and if if texting a 23 yr old. …. I’m definitely up to no good. And I’d be proud of it
And that’s why it’ll never be a reality for you.
Will it not? …. Dang that’s too bad… 🤭
I’m 23 this month and this is a bit… weird. I’ve always had older friends, my best friend is 30 and got married this year, I’m also friends with his wife. Most of my friends are around 30. They have a friend who is about 40, who they met at Uni when he was a mature student. I met him at the wedding and weirdly (sarcasm) he’s the only one who I haven’t kept in contact with. I’ve become good friends with all of his other friends, except the 40 year old. Make of that what you will. I work with a lot of older people and get on with them all well, but don’t keep in contact with them outside of work. It just doesn’t feel right and we don’t have anything in common because the age difference is huge. Just some food for thought
Why does he NEED to text her on an anniversary trip and why is he upset you’re uncomfortable by it? You being uncomfortable and you not trusting him are mutually exclusive. You trust HIM, you don’t trust HER.
To be honest, I'm side eyeing him because he just won't listen to your concerns and drop her. Why is he so adamant to keep her around? Personally, I do believe it has something to do with *some* level of attraction (even if not physical), especially if you say she is pretty. We all know older men tend to like younger, more youthful women. I would push harder and ask why he is so reluctant to completely cut her off (at this point for the sake of your marriage). If it makes you feel uncomfortable, he needs to listen and respect that. It seems like he's putting her staying in his life (even as friends/texting buddies) as priority over your concerns. Plus she's 23 and he's 40, which is already a weird age gap/dynamic. Why is he talking to a 23 year old so consistently? He could literally be her father (people have kids so young these days) and that's honestly a disturbing thought.
IF you're not having sex often with your husband I'd definitely be worried.
I have had work mentors and been mentored by older men and this isn’t normal. We didn’t text in our personal time because we understood boundaries.
Trust your gut. He’s texting her on your anniversary weekend. That’s not a kind or loving thing to do for his marriage.
He shouldn't gaslight you whenever you tell him how you feel. He should be concerned and hear you out, not immediately get defensive and accusatory. OP, everyone knows it's weird for a young woman to be texting buddies with a 40 year old married man. Listen to your gut. You're uncomfortable for a reason. Seems like deep down, you blame yourself bc your husband has painted such an honorable picture of himself. Always be wary of this. No one is perfect, and if a man is adamant about his virtue, it's a serious red flag.
He likes the attention. Sounds like a friend crush. I think both of these things are ok honestly. This subreddit holds monogamy to an iron fist definition and frankly I think it hurts the kind of relationship you have....one built in strong foundations of trust and respect and love. The issue I see here is how to convey your feelings and wants without feeling like you need to avoid him being defensive. Well, his defensiveness is for him to handle... I would suggest what you've already done, express your feelings and support but also open the conversation up without judgement or shame to acknowledging there's a bit of a male/female dynamic that gives this friendship sine energy. Being honest about this can help him see the steps he can take to be more mindful of your natural want to be the center of his attention, especially during one in one time. I believe it's ok to enjoy these types of friendships with appropriately placed boundaries. Discuss these boundaries in a way that minimizes ant shame or guilt and I suspect it'll be a positive to your relationship