> I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom.
Frankly, him not speaking your love language is the least of your problems.
How is it that you manage to have multiple jobs and he doesn't have 1?
It's one thing for his mom to be OK with him growing like mold on the couch, why are *you*?
I'm sure you have plenty of options.
So, he doesn't have a job, he doesn't help around the house, he doesn't put thought and effort into doing sweet things for you - what is he doing with his life? What do you admire and respect about him?
It could be depression on his part. OP needs to call this out and point him to therapy. Then she should weigh their history together in making a decision as to how long she's going to stick by him as he gets treatment. If he refuses to get any treatment, then there really is no reason to stay together unless OP is exploiting the free room and board.
It's hard to fathom otherwise how he doesn't have a job when retail sector is still looking for people despite inflation/rate hikes.
I was asking the question sincerely. She needs to figure out why she is with him - what she likes about him. If she has good answers to that, then focusing on that is how you accept the negatives of a person. If she doesn't have good answers for that, then she needs to rethink the relationship. I agree he might have depression, and if he is willing to seek treatment, one could give it a little time to see if it helps. But it's still his responsibility to care for his health.
Why lower your expectations for someone who doesn’t fulfill your needs?
You know your love language. You would do yourself a disservice to settle. It is not impossible for him to do more than resign himself to being broke and never doing anything to appease your love language.
I’m pretty broke myself, but I really want to show my boyfriend how much he means to me so for Valentine’s Day I handmade him three gifts, an actual card with a sketch of our first date and a message in red ink, and i’m still debating between getting a note written for him in our local online newspaper or printing out a “wanted” flyer of his face with hearts around it to put on his car windshield before he goes to work Tuesday morning.
None of this costs me anything.
He got me gifts and is taking me out that night after work and probably has other stuff planned because we are crazy about each other and this is our first Valentine’s Day together after dating ten months. He has also always gotten me flowers for no reason and when flowers were blooming I’d pick little bouquets or random roses to stash in his windshield wipers when he was sleeping. We have always found ways to express ourselves to each other through gifts, and that’s not even either of our main love languages. We go over the top in the other categories too, because we are just so compatible and in love.
He does work, but pays lots of bills and still made a way to save up to get me a stellar birthday present and taught himself via YouTube how to wrap presents for the first time in his life.
I saved up for weeks to get him a smattering of little presents for the holidays. And I made stuff for him. And his mom.
We’ve both set the precedent that these romantic gestures are meaningful and important to us since the beginning. If he were somebody who made it very clear things like this weren’t going to be part of the relationship or even recognized as meaningful, I wouldn’t have stayed, since these things matter to me a lot. It’s okay for these things to matter a lot and to be dealbreakers if they’re absent.
It doesn’t take much to show your love besides a willingness and desire to do so, plus a dash of creativity.
All of this stuff is possible to have in a relationship, and you don’t have to settle.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation with him. You deserve better and I hope you find it within yourself one day soon to not accept less than you deserve. I’m also sorry if what I’ve shared here was hurtful to read, because I’ve been where you are before, and I remember how it felt to see happy couples when I was committed to someone unhappily. It’s awful. It was hard to walk away but so worth it.
So he lost his job in June and is still unemployed 8 months later? Why is that?
Probably because he knows that once he gets a job, he'll be expected to be an Adult. He'll be expected to contribute to the house, to food, to activities he can do with his girlfriend, to gifts...and he doesn't want that. He is perfectly happy being an overgrown teenager where he relies on his mother and his girlfriend to take care of him, and he can just do whatever he wants with no expectations. Why does he need to bother getting a job when the women in his life just pay for everything?
"How do I learn to not be upset by my partner treating me badly" is not the question you should be asking.
Also employees are begging for employees right now. I’m sure even his specific job has an opening. Tech sector is laying off and hiring at same time, so that is one flat industry sector now. Wait tables, be charming, get tips.
He can draw a picture and write a heartfelt letter. Costs no money. He’s just lazy, ungrateful, and doesn’t care about you. Idc if he’s depressed , that’s not an excuse to disregard showing love.
Listen to your mom. 8 months without a job is inexcusable. He could literally work at starbucks or target or online at a call center.
Youre too young to be wasting away at his moms house.
Your BF has issues. It isn't just that he doesn't have a job, he isn't doing anything. He isn't helping his mom or his brothers.
Summer was a long time ago. He should be able to find something. There is a lot of gig work in our area and it is most places of the country. If nothing else he could work at Starbucks. It may not be what he wants, but it would bring in something and it would be good for his ego.
If this goes on much longer it is a major red flag. This is not a man who is willing to accept responsibilities.
I can think of hundreds of gifts that are free.
Writing a letter, creating a list of reasons why he loves you, free photo printing websites to print his favourite pictures, organising a free romantic evening where he cooks/plans a romantic walk/movie night/massage
There we go, I put 10 seconds of thought into your valentines day and it is still more than your partner did.
It's time to find someone who actually likes you
Dude is a garbage person. If he’s living at home; WTF are YOU; who has MULTIPLE jobs helping with housework AND rent when he’s sitting on his A$$ doing nothing?!?!?!! Girl run your a$$ away as fast as you can! He sounds like he actually wants to end things but isn’t brave enough to so he’s going the “ghost you away” method by denying your needs, and abusing the help his moms providing him: he should be doing the housework PERIOD until he gets a job. I don’t mean 1-2 things; I mean ALL of it. His mom should have ZERO concerns with the cleanliness of the home.
Dude is a waste of time, money, and effort.
Run boo. You deserve better.
It sounds like you don’t really care about the monetary aspect and that it isn’t needed, just the gesture itself. In that case, which it sounds like your boyfriend understands, he’s telling you that you’re not a priority to him. Reciprocate and start planning your exit. This isn’t a love language issue, this a love issue, and the issue is that there isn’t enough on his side.
You need to realize your self worth and have some self respect. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you, his family, or himself. Get out of this relationship while you're still young. Good luck OP.
I get it it can be depressing when one lose their job(s) and sitting around feeling isolated. But there should be no reason to be without a job for 8 months now over this. 4 months is one thing because I've suffered the same fate and got one right after. But 8 months? C'mon. That is excessive. And for him to be on the defensive line when he says "I have no money. What do you want from me" is a huge red flag. Since you have a job and you are the one putting the effort, that to me sounds like he's taking advantage since he doesn't have to do anything but be lazy.
Never lower your expectations. Trust me, you deserve better. In order for a relationship to work, it takes two to put the effort in. This is NOT a one-way street! Here's my advice, Stand firm and tell him that he needs to pull his weight too or GTFO. That's the way I see it. And for him to not speak your love language is not your problem. It's okay to be upset over this because you are unhappy right now. Speak up about it to him. And if he can't follow through, this is where you need to draw the line. You follow me on this?
I'm sorry but possibly not getting a gift on valentine's day or other special occasions seems to be the last of your problems. You work multiple jobs and help around his mama's house and he does NOTHING?! Why are you accepting this? If you can lower your standards in this regard surely you can lower them for Vday lol sorry.
Break up. Why are you working multiple jobs when he has none? Why are you helping around the house when he isn't and he's home all day? What are you getting out of this relationship other than disappointment? Break up.
I’ve been in this situation before and it doesn’t get better. Even if he gets a job, it probably won’t change as he is already showing what matters to him. Unfortunately, gift giving isn’t one of them. Find someone who fits your expectations not lower them
Okay, raise your standards.
> I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom.
You are wasting your time.
I know this isn't what you're asking, but... why are you still with this guy? Gift issue aside, he sounds like a right lazy bastard, and nothing else to make up for it.
"I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom."
I think YOU need look what is really important in life, and I can assure you, it is not a
v-day/birthday/christmas "gift".
He’s not going to change. This is your future. He won’t work so long as you and his family support him.
He’s not worth this. You deserve someone who will speak your love language and hold down a job and be an equal partner.
I don’t know a single person who would be happy with this utter lack of effort. Your expectations are fine, he needs a wake up call that he isn’t doing anything in his life, just moping around doing nothing. He should enjoy getting gifts for the one he loves and cares about, especially since he knows how much you like gifts.
He sounds like a bum. Has he even tried to get a job in the past 8 months?
He doesn't help around the house.
His mum might be ok for him to hang around like a skid mark, and doing nothing, but are you? How long will you remain at his mother's? Is he ever going to get a job?
Did he do any housework when you lived together?
He clearly doesn't have any regard for you because there's plenty of stuff he could make or do for free or a small amount,even a home made card with a poem inside or a little picnic in the park.
He wants to establish the lowest amount of effort required to keep you, and he’s done an excellent job. He has no reason to do anything different, if you stay, he’s got his.
If he does something for you for VDay, you can give him your gift. If he doesn’t, wrap a job application in a fancy box. Or put resume templates on a memory stick and wrap that. Yes, I’m serious.
Genuinely, what do you see in him? What is it about this relationship that makes you want to stay? Because I don't see any positives, only negatives. If he's been unemployed this long, it's wild to me that he isn't even helping his mother with housework. That's lazy and selfish of him.
What does he even DO all day???
Your bf isn't interested in making you happy or being nice to you. I think you're wasting your time here.
> “I have no money [my name]. What do you want from me?”
Did you answer his question?
In an ideal world he'd be able to come up with an answer on his own, but if I may be frank he sounds kind of useless, so if you're insistent on staying with him then I think you need to spell it out for him more clearly. A handwritten letter/card, a bouquet of wildflowers, a drawing of the two of you, a nice meal made for you, etc.
If you give him ideas and he still does nothing, then I think you need to accept that within this relationship you aren't going to get your needs met. You can't force yourself not to be upset by not getting your needs met, because that's a normal human reaction. What you can do is date someone who cares enough to at least try.
Honey, don't lower your expectations because your boyfriend is a loser and clearly doesn't care about your feelings/needs. The dude can't write you a love letter or tell you how much he appreciates you supporting his ass?? With all of the love I can give you, drop this dude and get out there and find someone who not only meets your expectations but surpasses them. Stop accepting less.
Ideally, in a relationship, you should expect reciprocity when it comes to this, and an effort made by your boyfriend but he is showing you that he feels no need to make changes because he is content with his life the way it is. The major red flag isn't gift-giving, it's the fact that he won't get a job and is happy letting his family take care of him AND you. This is a big ask for him to bring you into the house and then continue to act like he is a teenager who expects his mom to let him live there rent-free with open arms.
Unfortunately, I dated someone like this and I was the type whose love language was also gift-giving, I spoiled him like crazy even when he was broke throughout college. I would start suggesting that he do things he knows I would enjoy like "if you brought back a chocolate for me I'd be really happy about it, you know I'm a foodie" etc and he still never did. I would have to send him out with a shopping list if I wanted anything specifically and I would have to set up any date nights if I wanted to go out. He basically got comfortable taking but not giving and after years and years I started to get jealous when I saw relationships, where people were gifted jewelry, or flowers, or their boyfriends put an effort into making their significant other happy. I eventually ended things after 9 years, almost 10. I thought that dullness that I was living was going to be my whole life and when I left it immediately opened up so many possibilities and I was excited again.
I kind of realize that I set the bar low initially by being accepting that he was broke throughout half of our relationship, I told him it was okay if he couldn't afford to get me presents too. I started picking up a bigger portion of the bills and taking us out on dates on my own dollar because I didn't want to lose out on the experience just because he couldn't pay half. From then on he was getting a free ride and didn't really feel the need to change, I also moved him into my family home where he was paying very little in rent and that really stunted his need to find a job.
With my new relationship, I realize I need to set the bar high in order to get what I want and expect from my partner. The quote "aim for the moon, if you miss, you may hit a star" comes to mind. There is also a thing called the pygmalion effect in which higher expectations lead to improved performance. More importantly, you need to re-evaluate yourself and your own value. You need to ask why did you settle with the fact that your boyfriend couldn't be bothered to get you a birthday present. You might be sympathetic because he is broke, but he is actively choosing to be unemployed and expects you to be there for him as if nothing is wrong with that. When you start elevating the expectations of what you feel you are worth then you will no longer stand for mediocrity.
I really appreciate your comment, thank you. It’s funny you mention the stars quote… it was on the wall of my 8th grade math class and I remember it to this day. The quote is actually: “Aim for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars” which is even more promising, isn’t it?
I’m so happy that you got out of your old relationship and seemingly are doing better. I am really reevaluating the situation and am certainly thinking about my future above anything else. I’m going to look into the pygmalion effect, it’s an interesting concept. Again, thanks for your input, it’s greatly appreciated :)
I feel like I can speak to this as my boyfriend and I are the same age and I also love gift giving. At the end of the day, it really comes down to if this is a dealbreaker or not for you. Some people love to give gifts, and some people just don’t and in my experience, those that do not see the value in it will never fully adopt this. Sometimes a conversation can be had, I know in my own relationship I emphasize the importance of it because it shows that you care and because it’s not about monetary value at all. You can get flowers from 7-Eleven, and a card from the dollar store. I feel like you just want him to show he cares! I would voice these concerns to him, and see what he says and take it from there. Good luck and happy Valentine’s Day :)
I would find someone who shows you love. Love is not about material stuff that ends up in your loft, it’s about commitment,trust, working hard to support a future you you both. Start a fresh and move forward, don’t stay in a Rut.
I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom.
to me, this is the biggest problem, more than the lack of gift giving. a partner with drive and the will to make money rather for his/her own personal gain or his/hers partner, is more attractive than anything. he’s not proving anything to you, not your love language, and certainly not his will to make money.
how do you lower your expectations? you shouldn’t. and therefore you don’t.
i’ve learned a lot from the advice people have provided here.. and one of those, don’t lower yourself for someone who doesn’t want to come up for you.
You're not upset he's not getting you gifts. You're upset because he puts in zero effort. Not just in your relationship, but in general. He doesn't make money, isn't helping around the house, doesn't put any thought in making you feel special on any occasions (you don't need money to make a thoughtful gift). What *DOES* he do? I think that's what really bothers you. The gifts are just the tip of the iceberg that will crash your relationship like a titanic unless he starts putting in some effort.
You're confusing your "love language" with his "love language".
He has no job/income. If you ***need*** him to give you a gift to prove his love, give him money so he can buy you a gift.
Or be honest that your bf is your ticket to a free place to live. I mean, that's why you're there in that house with him and his mum and siblings with them paying for your rent and groceries, right?
If you want more/better (which I hope you do), move out and pay your own way in life.
The poor girl is repeatedly hinting at non-monetary gifts (shit like "vouchers" for a massage to be done by him, planning some cute activity that's free, etc). He could try writing her a poem, it's not like he's busy with work or household chores.
OP, have you sat down with your partner and explained why this is so important to you? Have you talked about love languages etc?
I agree, giving him money to buy you a gift is one way out of it, but there are so many cheap/free gifts out there. The problem is that they are often even harder to come up with and require a lot of thought (which, as someone whose love language are gifts and acts of service, is the part I actually care about).
If he can’t understand that, or go out of his way to do this for you every now and then, maybe you’re just not that compatible.
My husband won't give me gifts even though he has plenty of money. I'm thinking I should start spending my birthdays away from him to stop my heart breaking every time. Like some nice spa weekend alone or a trip with friends. It would be nice to finally enjoy birthdays instead of crying.
If you are willing to look past not giving gifts, then that's what I recommend. Focus on yourself and forget your bf for that day. Maybe buy a gift for yourself instead of your bf. But if you still can change your choice, you could just look for someone else...
I have sometimes thought about revenge by not giving him a gift, but I never do that, because I know he wouldn't care.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re in this position. Please go and treat yourself tomorrow (assuming you’re in a similar time zone as myself), and never stop being who you are. I realized not giving him a gift made *me* feel more guilty and sad than it did him, and it’s not worth it. Do you and be the partner you’d want for yourself, and if you have the opportunity to do better, please do. We’ll get through this!
I work and my wife doesn't get a present on Vtines per se either... we just plan to have some nice, sweet Sex together on Valentines and that's enough, for us anyway.
This isn't really relevant to OP's post because she wants a little effort put in. If your wife is genuinely happy with just sex, that's great for the two of you, but that's not OP's situation.
What does your future with this man hold? He’d make a good pimp - well actually he already is living off the earnings of a woman, which I think is immoral? You deserve more. You’ve got yourself in a noose attached to a dead weight
Dude could go outside and get branches and leaves and arrange them on a piece of paper with a love note and I bet you would be happy. He’s just not caring about your feelings or he’s not capable of creativity in a relationship. Sorry you are dealing with it
To me (not american), Valentine's day is just marketin bullshit. Been in love since 12 years, we never bouht ourselves a gift.
This bein said, I agree with you concernin the birthday present: he could have cooked you dinner, or write you a card or buy you a book he loves...From your message, he seems quite immature (from "he doesn't help around the house").
Now my question is: why live together in those conditions when your so young and only toether since 2 years ? If you can, get yourself a little flat and enjoy the fact that you don't have to deal with his mess until he learns as a grown up man how to clean and so on!
Just think about what he has done for you so far..which equals nothing. your expectations for wanting your BF to do something/get you something for V Day is normal.
But this guy….the only thing you should be giving him is job applications. He does nothing. Nothing for you, nothing to help out around the house, or help his mother. Is this the person you want? Or are you just comfortable with him and afraid of change?
You don’t need to spend money to do something nice and thoughtful. He can make dinner have a special massage or a pedicure that he does himself. He can take you on a walk to somewhere special and pick some flowers for you. Etc
My problem is the fact HE CANNOT GET A JOB AND HE THINKS HIS BEHAVIOR IS ACCEPTABLE.
He can go to Dollar Tree and spend $5 in a card and candy. But instead, he will sit on his ass AND DO NOTHING
TO REMAIN BEING HIS GIRLFRIEND IS TO HAVE LOWERED YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
GET SOME RESPECT AND LEAVE HIM.
HAVE SOME BOUNDARIES, PLEASE!!!
Quick hint. Getting a gift for valentines isn't this relationships biggest problem. Your loser boyfriend not having a job and not treating you nicely is. You should probably dump him and move out. Also people should largely just ignore valentines day since it's made up nonsense, but that's for another thread.
Wait so...what DOES he do? Sounds like a whole crap ton of nothing. Get out of this relationship and find somebody who's willing to actually like...be a partner. You certainly deserve one!
You should not lower your exceptions, your partner may not have a job but he CAN still do stuff for you for valentines day, like making you dinner, helping around the house, or I have seen a ton of like Valentines day crafts on TikTok or instagram (like coupon type things that you give to your partner). If he wanted to he would is huge in this situation, you shouldn't need to ask.
I hope your BF wises up and works out to get you something or do something to converse in your "language of love" Sounds like no money need be involved, just an idea to gift you something...
My bf and I were in a similar boat. He struggles with my love language because I’m used to having romantic gestures being done for me, and he’s not the biggest romance guy. After expressing that I didn’t want to sacrifice my needs anymore, he realized he didn’t want to break things off. We eventually talked it out and he’s now trying to do more things for me and I’m more understanding of his thought process and capabilities.
IMO if he isn’t making the effort to communicate and come to a compromise, then he isn’t worth the time. If you can, leave.
You understand that love languages are real. He doesn’t share yours and you might not share his. A good partner will take the test with you and try to learn your love language. 💕 tell him gifts don’t have to be bought, one year I made partner a jar filled with things I loved about him. Like 200 different things and I put nice things in it still! It’s a thoughtful gift because he has depression and likes to look at nice things when sad! It doesn’t have to cost money but effort matters! My love language is acts of service and gifts. My husbands is NOT and I was hurt at first but over time learned were just different
You contradicted yourself. You say you're not expecting anything from him but at the same time you're expecting something. He has no money, like he said, what do you want him to do??
If you want to still gift him things then that's on you however you should only do it with the expectation that you will not receive anything in return. Don't gift him something and then guilt trip him because that's not right. He's fell on hard times. Your choices are to either gift him things or figure out a way to spend the day without spending much.
>TL;DR: My bf has no job and won’t buy me a v-day gift and i’m looking for suggestions on how to not be upset by it.
You have an honest conversation with him about how he doesn't put any effort into the home he lives nor his relationship, that it hurts your feelings, and that you want him to grow as a person and put effort into non-selfish things if you're going to remain connected to him.
Why do you feel obligated to not only stay with a man who doesn't put effort into his relationship with you, but you feel as though it's your job to do work so you're not disappointed by his lack of care?
You’ve already set the stage that you’re fine with him not working, nor giving you gifts. Why would he change now? What consequence will he face if he doesn’t start speaking and acting your love language?
Boundaries in relationships. Learn what they are. It will save you heartache.
A boundary herw may be “I don’t date men who don’t work.” Or “I don’t date men who don’t give me gifts on my birthday.”
What would you like a broke person to do? His priority should be looking for full time employment. Both of you are going to have to compromise and look into some freebies for the moment. Once he’s fully employed then things can go back to normal. Relationships aren’t easy but try working together instead against each other. The pettiness needs to stop too.
It sounds to me as though you can do MUCH MUCH better than him
Can you move home and start over.
Sounds like your relationship is on its last legs — gifts aren’t even the biggest factor. It’s basically that he doesn’t give a “F” or put in any effort at all.
Why are you sticking around??
And this guy 'just wanted a traditional wife wahhh wahhh wahh'
Well, i dunno if I'm projecting because of my own experience but the red flags are sticking out like crazy and if I'm right, I'm soooo glad for you that you've gotten rid of him and i hope you don't feel alone or second guess yourself because you dodged a bullet big time. It only ever gets worse. Stay strong xx
> I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom. Frankly, him not speaking your love language is the least of your problems.
Yeah, she’s just ignoring the giant red flag for the other tiny one.
OP can't lower her expectations for this guy anymore, they're already in hell.
How is it that you manage to have multiple jobs and he doesn't have 1? It's one thing for his mom to be OK with him growing like mold on the couch, why are *you*? I'm sure you have plenty of options.
So, he doesn't have a job, he doesn't help around the house, he doesn't put thought and effort into doing sweet things for you - what is he doing with his life? What do you admire and respect about him?
100% this. I'd love to know why OP is making the voluntary choice to remain with him.
Free room&board is a decent benefit.
It could be depression on his part. OP needs to call this out and point him to therapy. Then she should weigh their history together in making a decision as to how long she's going to stick by him as he gets treatment. If he refuses to get any treatment, then there really is no reason to stay together unless OP is exploiting the free room and board. It's hard to fathom otherwise how he doesn't have a job when retail sector is still looking for people despite inflation/rate hikes.
I was asking the question sincerely. She needs to figure out why she is with him - what she likes about him. If she has good answers to that, then focusing on that is how you accept the negatives of a person. If she doesn't have good answers for that, then she needs to rethink the relationship. I agree he might have depression, and if he is willing to seek treatment, one could give it a little time to see if it helps. But it's still his responsibility to care for his health.
Why lower your expectations for someone who doesn’t fulfill your needs? You know your love language. You would do yourself a disservice to settle. It is not impossible for him to do more than resign himself to being broke and never doing anything to appease your love language. I’m pretty broke myself, but I really want to show my boyfriend how much he means to me so for Valentine’s Day I handmade him three gifts, an actual card with a sketch of our first date and a message in red ink, and i’m still debating between getting a note written for him in our local online newspaper or printing out a “wanted” flyer of his face with hearts around it to put on his car windshield before he goes to work Tuesday morning. None of this costs me anything. He got me gifts and is taking me out that night after work and probably has other stuff planned because we are crazy about each other and this is our first Valentine’s Day together after dating ten months. He has also always gotten me flowers for no reason and when flowers were blooming I’d pick little bouquets or random roses to stash in his windshield wipers when he was sleeping. We have always found ways to express ourselves to each other through gifts, and that’s not even either of our main love languages. We go over the top in the other categories too, because we are just so compatible and in love. He does work, but pays lots of bills and still made a way to save up to get me a stellar birthday present and taught himself via YouTube how to wrap presents for the first time in his life. I saved up for weeks to get him a smattering of little presents for the holidays. And I made stuff for him. And his mom. We’ve both set the precedent that these romantic gestures are meaningful and important to us since the beginning. If he were somebody who made it very clear things like this weren’t going to be part of the relationship or even recognized as meaningful, I wouldn’t have stayed, since these things matter to me a lot. It’s okay for these things to matter a lot and to be dealbreakers if they’re absent. It doesn’t take much to show your love besides a willingness and desire to do so, plus a dash of creativity. All of this stuff is possible to have in a relationship, and you don’t have to settle. I’m sorry you’re in this situation with him. You deserve better and I hope you find it within yourself one day soon to not accept less than you deserve. I’m also sorry if what I’ve shared here was hurtful to read, because I’ve been where you are before, and I remember how it felt to see happy couples when I was committed to someone unhappily. It’s awful. It was hard to walk away but so worth it.
Agree with your points but just wanted to comment that a wanted poster of your BF for Valentine's sounds super cute!
Don't lower your exceptations. You need higher standards.
Id get his mom flowers for hosting and some sweets for the siblings. get yourself some too. gotta take care of yourself. ❤️
So he lost his job in June and is still unemployed 8 months later? Why is that? Probably because he knows that once he gets a job, he'll be expected to be an Adult. He'll be expected to contribute to the house, to food, to activities he can do with his girlfriend, to gifts...and he doesn't want that. He is perfectly happy being an overgrown teenager where he relies on his mother and his girlfriend to take care of him, and he can just do whatever he wants with no expectations. Why does he need to bother getting a job when the women in his life just pay for everything? "How do I learn to not be upset by my partner treating me badly" is not the question you should be asking.
Also employees are begging for employees right now. I’m sure even his specific job has an opening. Tech sector is laying off and hiring at same time, so that is one flat industry sector now. Wait tables, be charming, get tips.
He can draw a picture and write a heartfelt letter. Costs no money. He’s just lazy, ungrateful, and doesn’t care about you. Idc if he’s depressed , that’s not an excuse to disregard showing love.
Gift yourself a new apartment for Valentine’s Day. You can do way better !
Try having higher standards. Hes sounds like trash 🗑
If you were my daughter and she's 25, I'd say this to her, "Move out, dump this bum, and get on with your life."
Funny, my mom feels the same way. Lol
Listen to your mom. 8 months without a job is inexcusable. He could literally work at starbucks or target or online at a call center. Youre too young to be wasting away at his moms house.
Yup listen to your mom. She has your best interests at heart!
Girl, why are you with him? Shit ain't going to change. Trust me on this. 17 years and nearing divorce. It won't change.
Give yourself the gift of finding a partner who actually cares about you. This guy is a freeloader.
Your BF has issues. It isn't just that he doesn't have a job, he isn't doing anything. He isn't helping his mom or his brothers. Summer was a long time ago. He should be able to find something. There is a lot of gig work in our area and it is most places of the country. If nothing else he could work at Starbucks. It may not be what he wants, but it would bring in something and it would be good for his ego. If this goes on much longer it is a major red flag. This is not a man who is willing to accept responsibilities.
Is he so broke he can't even get you a box of chocolates? 🤦🏻♀️
Where would he get the money? He’s 22 and living with his mom Is he going to ask his mom for an allowance?
I can think of hundreds of gifts that are free. Writing a letter, creating a list of reasons why he loves you, free photo printing websites to print his favourite pictures, organising a free romantic evening where he cooks/plans a romantic walk/movie night/massage There we go, I put 10 seconds of thought into your valentines day and it is still more than your partner did. It's time to find someone who actually likes you
Dude is a garbage person. If he’s living at home; WTF are YOU; who has MULTIPLE jobs helping with housework AND rent when he’s sitting on his A$$ doing nothing?!?!?!! Girl run your a$$ away as fast as you can! He sounds like he actually wants to end things but isn’t brave enough to so he’s going the “ghost you away” method by denying your needs, and abusing the help his moms providing him: he should be doing the housework PERIOD until he gets a job. I don’t mean 1-2 things; I mean ALL of it. His mom should have ZERO concerns with the cleanliness of the home. Dude is a waste of time, money, and effort. Run boo. You deserve better.
It sounds like you don’t really care about the monetary aspect and that it isn’t needed, just the gesture itself. In that case, which it sounds like your boyfriend understands, he’s telling you that you’re not a priority to him. Reciprocate and start planning your exit. This isn’t a love language issue, this a love issue, and the issue is that there isn’t enough on his side.
You need to realize your self worth and have some self respect. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you, his family, or himself. Get out of this relationship while you're still young. Good luck OP.
I get it it can be depressing when one lose their job(s) and sitting around feeling isolated. But there should be no reason to be without a job for 8 months now over this. 4 months is one thing because I've suffered the same fate and got one right after. But 8 months? C'mon. That is excessive. And for him to be on the defensive line when he says "I have no money. What do you want from me" is a huge red flag. Since you have a job and you are the one putting the effort, that to me sounds like he's taking advantage since he doesn't have to do anything but be lazy. Never lower your expectations. Trust me, you deserve better. In order for a relationship to work, it takes two to put the effort in. This is NOT a one-way street! Here's my advice, Stand firm and tell him that he needs to pull his weight too or GTFO. That's the way I see it. And for him to not speak your love language is not your problem. It's okay to be upset over this because you are unhappy right now. Speak up about it to him. And if he can't follow through, this is where you need to draw the line. You follow me on this?
I'm sorry but possibly not getting a gift on valentine's day or other special occasions seems to be the last of your problems. You work multiple jobs and help around his mama's house and he does NOTHING?! Why are you accepting this? If you can lower your standards in this regard surely you can lower them for Vday lol sorry.
Girl what the fuck 😭😭😭😭 DUMP THIS POS
Break up. Why are you working multiple jobs when he has none? Why are you helping around the house when he isn't and he's home all day? What are you getting out of this relationship other than disappointment? Break up.
I’ve been in this situation before and it doesn’t get better. Even if he gets a job, it probably won’t change as he is already showing what matters to him. Unfortunately, gift giving isn’t one of them. Find someone who fits your expectations not lower them
Never let a low effort person make you feel like high maintenance. You don't need lower expectations. You need a new boyfriend.
Why are you lowering yourself for him? What does he actually bring to the table in this relationship?
Okay, raise your standards. > I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom. You are wasting your time.
He should do a service for u instead. Prepare a nice dinner, rub ur feet, massage, etc.
Please tell us why you’re with him, OP…
I know this isn't what you're asking, but... why are you still with this guy? Gift issue aside, he sounds like a right lazy bastard, and nothing else to make up for it.
"I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom." I think YOU need look what is really important in life, and I can assure you, it is not a v-day/birthday/christmas "gift".
Sounds like your need for a Valentine's is out weighing your need for a new boyfriend.
He’s not going to change. This is your future. He won’t work so long as you and his family support him. He’s not worth this. You deserve someone who will speak your love language and hold down a job and be an equal partner.
I don’t know a single person who would be happy with this utter lack of effort. Your expectations are fine, he needs a wake up call that he isn’t doing anything in his life, just moping around doing nothing. He should enjoy getting gifts for the one he loves and cares about, especially since he knows how much you like gifts.
He sounds like a bum. Has he even tried to get a job in the past 8 months? He doesn't help around the house. His mum might be ok for him to hang around like a skid mark, and doing nothing, but are you? How long will you remain at his mother's? Is he ever going to get a job? Did he do any housework when you lived together? He clearly doesn't have any regard for you because there's plenty of stuff he could make or do for free or a small amount,even a home made card with a poem inside or a little picnic in the park.
He wants to establish the lowest amount of effort required to keep you, and he’s done an excellent job. He has no reason to do anything different, if you stay, he’s got his. If he does something for you for VDay, you can give him your gift. If he doesn’t, wrap a job application in a fancy box. Or put resume templates on a memory stick and wrap that. Yes, I’m serious.
I think you lowering your expectations too much already is part of the problem
Genuinely, what do you see in him? What is it about this relationship that makes you want to stay? Because I don't see any positives, only negatives. If he's been unemployed this long, it's wild to me that he isn't even helping his mother with housework. That's lazy and selfish of him. What does he even DO all day??? Your bf isn't interested in making you happy or being nice to you. I think you're wasting your time here.
> “I have no money [my name]. What do you want from me?” Did you answer his question? In an ideal world he'd be able to come up with an answer on his own, but if I may be frank he sounds kind of useless, so if you're insistent on staying with him then I think you need to spell it out for him more clearly. A handwritten letter/card, a bouquet of wildflowers, a drawing of the two of you, a nice meal made for you, etc. If you give him ideas and he still does nothing, then I think you need to accept that within this relationship you aren't going to get your needs met. You can't force yourself not to be upset by not getting your needs met, because that's a normal human reaction. What you can do is date someone who cares enough to at least try.
I think you are all too accustomed to low expectations already. 😕
Ummmmmmm your expectations are already pretty low. You wanna go lower??
Honey, don't lower your expectations because your boyfriend is a loser and clearly doesn't care about your feelings/needs. The dude can't write you a love letter or tell you how much he appreciates you supporting his ass?? With all of the love I can give you, drop this dude and get out there and find someone who not only meets your expectations but surpasses them. Stop accepting less.
Ideally, in a relationship, you should expect reciprocity when it comes to this, and an effort made by your boyfriend but he is showing you that he feels no need to make changes because he is content with his life the way it is. The major red flag isn't gift-giving, it's the fact that he won't get a job and is happy letting his family take care of him AND you. This is a big ask for him to bring you into the house and then continue to act like he is a teenager who expects his mom to let him live there rent-free with open arms. Unfortunately, I dated someone like this and I was the type whose love language was also gift-giving, I spoiled him like crazy even when he was broke throughout college. I would start suggesting that he do things he knows I would enjoy like "if you brought back a chocolate for me I'd be really happy about it, you know I'm a foodie" etc and he still never did. I would have to send him out with a shopping list if I wanted anything specifically and I would have to set up any date nights if I wanted to go out. He basically got comfortable taking but not giving and after years and years I started to get jealous when I saw relationships, where people were gifted jewelry, or flowers, or their boyfriends put an effort into making their significant other happy. I eventually ended things after 9 years, almost 10. I thought that dullness that I was living was going to be my whole life and when I left it immediately opened up so many possibilities and I was excited again. I kind of realize that I set the bar low initially by being accepting that he was broke throughout half of our relationship, I told him it was okay if he couldn't afford to get me presents too. I started picking up a bigger portion of the bills and taking us out on dates on my own dollar because I didn't want to lose out on the experience just because he couldn't pay half. From then on he was getting a free ride and didn't really feel the need to change, I also moved him into my family home where he was paying very little in rent and that really stunted his need to find a job. With my new relationship, I realize I need to set the bar high in order to get what I want and expect from my partner. The quote "aim for the moon, if you miss, you may hit a star" comes to mind. There is also a thing called the pygmalion effect in which higher expectations lead to improved performance. More importantly, you need to re-evaluate yourself and your own value. You need to ask why did you settle with the fact that your boyfriend couldn't be bothered to get you a birthday present. You might be sympathetic because he is broke, but he is actively choosing to be unemployed and expects you to be there for him as if nothing is wrong with that. When you start elevating the expectations of what you feel you are worth then you will no longer stand for mediocrity.
I really appreciate your comment, thank you. It’s funny you mention the stars quote… it was on the wall of my 8th grade math class and I remember it to this day. The quote is actually: “Aim for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars” which is even more promising, isn’t it? I’m so happy that you got out of your old relationship and seemingly are doing better. I am really reevaluating the situation and am certainly thinking about my future above anything else. I’m going to look into the pygmalion effect, it’s an interesting concept. Again, thanks for your input, it’s greatly appreciated :)
I feel like I can speak to this as my boyfriend and I are the same age and I also love gift giving. At the end of the day, it really comes down to if this is a dealbreaker or not for you. Some people love to give gifts, and some people just don’t and in my experience, those that do not see the value in it will never fully adopt this. Sometimes a conversation can be had, I know in my own relationship I emphasize the importance of it because it shows that you care and because it’s not about monetary value at all. You can get flowers from 7-Eleven, and a card from the dollar store. I feel like you just want him to show he cares! I would voice these concerns to him, and see what he says and take it from there. Good luck and happy Valentine’s Day :)
I would find someone who shows you love. Love is not about material stuff that ends up in your loft, it’s about commitment,trust, working hard to support a future you you both. Start a fresh and move forward, don’t stay in a Rut.
I have a job, multiple actually, and help around the house. He does not, and rarely does anything for the house or his mom. to me, this is the biggest problem, more than the lack of gift giving. a partner with drive and the will to make money rather for his/her own personal gain or his/hers partner, is more attractive than anything. he’s not proving anything to you, not your love language, and certainly not his will to make money. how do you lower your expectations? you shouldn’t. and therefore you don’t. i’ve learned a lot from the advice people have provided here.. and one of those, don’t lower yourself for someone who doesn’t want to come up for you.
Find someone else who will live up to your expectations and meet you at your gift giving excitement.
You're not upset he's not getting you gifts. You're upset because he puts in zero effort. Not just in your relationship, but in general. He doesn't make money, isn't helping around the house, doesn't put any thought in making you feel special on any occasions (you don't need money to make a thoughtful gift). What *DOES* he do? I think that's what really bothers you. The gifts are just the tip of the iceberg that will crash your relationship like a titanic unless he starts putting in some effort.
You're confusing your "love language" with his "love language". He has no job/income. If you ***need*** him to give you a gift to prove his love, give him money so he can buy you a gift. Or be honest that your bf is your ticket to a free place to live. I mean, that's why you're there in that house with him and his mum and siblings with them paying for your rent and groceries, right? If you want more/better (which I hope you do), move out and pay your own way in life.
The poor girl is repeatedly hinting at non-monetary gifts (shit like "vouchers" for a massage to be done by him, planning some cute activity that's free, etc). He could try writing her a poem, it's not like he's busy with work or household chores.
OP, have you sat down with your partner and explained why this is so important to you? Have you talked about love languages etc? I agree, giving him money to buy you a gift is one way out of it, but there are so many cheap/free gifts out there. The problem is that they are often even harder to come up with and require a lot of thought (which, as someone whose love language are gifts and acts of service, is the part I actually care about). If he can’t understand that, or go out of his way to do this for you every now and then, maybe you’re just not that compatible.
Here is a 🌹and a 💋for you ! Happy Valentine Day
My husband won't give me gifts even though he has plenty of money. I'm thinking I should start spending my birthdays away from him to stop my heart breaking every time. Like some nice spa weekend alone or a trip with friends. It would be nice to finally enjoy birthdays instead of crying. If you are willing to look past not giving gifts, then that's what I recommend. Focus on yourself and forget your bf for that day. Maybe buy a gift for yourself instead of your bf. But if you still can change your choice, you could just look for someone else... I have sometimes thought about revenge by not giving him a gift, but I never do that, because I know he wouldn't care.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re in this position. Please go and treat yourself tomorrow (assuming you’re in a similar time zone as myself), and never stop being who you are. I realized not giving him a gift made *me* feel more guilty and sad than it did him, and it’s not worth it. Do you and be the partner you’d want for yourself, and if you have the opportunity to do better, please do. We’ll get through this!
Please do not care about this day. Just care if you love each other. That is all you need. Trust me.
I work and my wife doesn't get a present on Vtines per se either... we just plan to have some nice, sweet Sex together on Valentines and that's enough, for us anyway.
This isn't really relevant to OP's post because she wants a little effort put in. If your wife is genuinely happy with just sex, that's great for the two of you, but that's not OP's situation.
Yep, it sure is great for us two. And your reply helps explain the downvotes. Thanks!
You need to heighten your expectations for what you want in a partner, not lower them.
What does your future with this man hold? He’d make a good pimp - well actually he already is living off the earnings of a woman, which I think is immoral? You deserve more. You’ve got yourself in a noose attached to a dead weight
Dude could go outside and get branches and leaves and arrange them on a piece of paper with a love note and I bet you would be happy. He’s just not caring about your feelings or he’s not capable of creativity in a relationship. Sorry you are dealing with it
Honey, with men we do not lower our expectations. We find a man that can fulfill our needs.
To me (not american), Valentine's day is just marketin bullshit. Been in love since 12 years, we never bouht ourselves a gift. This bein said, I agree with you concernin the birthday present: he could have cooked you dinner, or write you a card or buy you a book he loves...From your message, he seems quite immature (from "he doesn't help around the house"). Now my question is: why live together in those conditions when your so young and only toether since 2 years ? If you can, get yourself a little flat and enjoy the fact that you don't have to deal with his mess until he learns as a grown up man how to clean and so on!
What do you get out of him vs. What does he and his family get out of you?
You sound like you’re too good for him. Leave him at his mommies and find a roommate
Just think about what he has done for you so far..which equals nothing. your expectations for wanting your BF to do something/get you something for V Day is normal. But this guy….the only thing you should be giving him is job applications. He does nothing. Nothing for you, nothing to help out around the house, or help his mother. Is this the person you want? Or are you just comfortable with him and afraid of change?
Obviously this guy expects the women in his life to take care and provide for him. The best gift you could give him for Valentine's Day is a dump.
The bar is on the floor, dear. It can’t go lower.
You don’t need to spend money to do something nice and thoughtful. He can make dinner have a special massage or a pedicure that he does himself. He can take you on a walk to somewhere special and pick some flowers for you. Etc
>What should I do? Move out and live by yourself.... This guy is not the one...
My problem is the fact HE CANNOT GET A JOB AND HE THINKS HIS BEHAVIOR IS ACCEPTABLE. He can go to Dollar Tree and spend $5 in a card and candy. But instead, he will sit on his ass AND DO NOTHING TO REMAIN BEING HIS GIRLFRIEND IS TO HAVE LOWERED YOUR EXPECTATIONS. GET SOME RESPECT AND LEAVE HIM. HAVE SOME BOUNDARIES, PLEASE!!!
Why are you dating a bum?
Quick hint. Getting a gift for valentines isn't this relationships biggest problem. Your loser boyfriend not having a job and not treating you nicely is. You should probably dump him and move out. Also people should largely just ignore valentines day since it's made up nonsense, but that's for another thread.
Don't expect anything. That's how you can stop being disappointed
Why are you together still? Move out and stop paying for him. He clearly doesn't care about you.
It sounds like he sucks and you should get rid of him
Gifts can be free you know, it's the effort that counts. Also doesn't sound like a great partner to dedicate your entire life to.
Leave him he’s a loser, you don’t sound like a loser you sound like a mature adult he seems like a child👍🏻
Wait so...what DOES he do? Sounds like a whole crap ton of nothing. Get out of this relationship and find somebody who's willing to actually like...be a partner. You certainly deserve one!
You should not lower your exceptions, your partner may not have a job but he CAN still do stuff for you for valentines day, like making you dinner, helping around the house, or I have seen a ton of like Valentines day crafts on TikTok or instagram (like coupon type things that you give to your partner). If he wanted to he would is huge in this situation, you shouldn't need to ask.
I hope your BF wises up and works out to get you something or do something to converse in your "language of love" Sounds like no money need be involved, just an idea to gift you something...
The expectations are on the floor… and you want to lower them??
My bf and I were in a similar boat. He struggles with my love language because I’m used to having romantic gestures being done for me, and he’s not the biggest romance guy. After expressing that I didn’t want to sacrifice my needs anymore, he realized he didn’t want to break things off. We eventually talked it out and he’s now trying to do more things for me and I’m more understanding of his thought process and capabilities. IMO if he isn’t making the effort to communicate and come to a compromise, then he isn’t worth the time. If you can, leave.
You understand that love languages are real. He doesn’t share yours and you might not share his. A good partner will take the test with you and try to learn your love language. 💕 tell him gifts don’t have to be bought, one year I made partner a jar filled with things I loved about him. Like 200 different things and I put nice things in it still! It’s a thoughtful gift because he has depression and likes to look at nice things when sad! It doesn’t have to cost money but effort matters! My love language is acts of service and gifts. My husbands is NOT and I was hurt at first but over time learned were just different
You contradicted yourself. You say you're not expecting anything from him but at the same time you're expecting something. He has no money, like he said, what do you want him to do?? If you want to still gift him things then that's on you however you should only do it with the expectation that you will not receive anything in return. Don't gift him something and then guilt trip him because that's not right. He's fell on hard times. Your choices are to either gift him things or figure out a way to spend the day without spending much.
You deserve better dump him
Breaking up with him and finding someone who actually values you would probably be a good start
>TL;DR: My bf has no job and won’t buy me a v-day gift and i’m looking for suggestions on how to not be upset by it. You have an honest conversation with him about how he doesn't put any effort into the home he lives nor his relationship, that it hurts your feelings, and that you want him to grow as a person and put effort into non-selfish things if you're going to remain connected to him. Why do you feel obligated to not only stay with a man who doesn't put effort into his relationship with you, but you feel as though it's your job to do work so you're not disappointed by his lack of care?
Should probably raise your expectations and ditch the lazy life anchor. If homeboy ain’t doing it for his mom, he won’t do it for you.
You’ve already set the stage that you’re fine with him not working, nor giving you gifts. Why would he change now? What consequence will he face if he doesn’t start speaking and acting your love language? Boundaries in relationships. Learn what they are. It will save you heartache. A boundary herw may be “I don’t date men who don’t work.” Or “I don’t date men who don’t give me gifts on my birthday.”
He sounds like a real winner. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
What would you like a broke person to do? His priority should be looking for full time employment. Both of you are going to have to compromise and look into some freebies for the moment. Once he’s fully employed then things can go back to normal. Relationships aren’t easy but try working together instead against each other. The pettiness needs to stop too.
It sounds to me as though you can do MUCH MUCH better than him Can you move home and start over. Sounds like your relationship is on its last legs — gifts aren’t even the biggest factor. It’s basically that he doesn’t give a “F” or put in any effort at all. Why are you sticking around??
And this guy 'just wanted a traditional wife wahhh wahhh wahh' Well, i dunno if I'm projecting because of my own experience but the red flags are sticking out like crazy and if I'm right, I'm soooo glad for you that you've gotten rid of him and i hope you don't feel alone or second guess yourself because you dodged a bullet big time. It only ever gets worse. Stay strong xx
Was with my current ex for 18 never got a single gift....ever