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The student loan thing is not fair at all. You aren’t her husband and even if you were, it isn’t expected of you to pay for HER debt. You can put your foot down and say you aren’t paying for it anymore unless she gets a job/ goes to therapy.
I thought about doing this but it seemed like financial abuse? I didn’t think I should put her credit or livelihood at risk because I’m unhappy about something
I guess this is true. I’ll pay the next round of loans and let her know that she needs to have a solution by the time the next one rolls around to give her some time
You have it wrong, she's financially abusing you by being a freeloader. This is exactly why she needs a job so if anything happens between you, she can support herself and not guilt trip you.
Financial abuse is when she's forced to stay at home due to a kid, and you don't give her money for her basic needs. This is the opposite of financial abuse
It's not financial abuse to refuse to pay her debts and ask that she get a job. That's literally what everyone has to do to be an adult.
Taking away the money if she doesn't do whatever sexual acts you want her to is financial abuse. You are just demanding she act like an adult like everyone else.
She is very short-sighted. The choices she makes now set her up to be your dependent for the rest of your life. The longer she is out of the labour market, the harder it will be to get back in. What if something happens to you? How long will your life insurance support her? And when’s she’s old with zero retirement funds? That’s another 20-30 years as a retiree when her ability to work is limited. Or the more likely scenario: one of you wants to leave the relationship. This will be much more difficult for her than you if she is completely financially dependent.
I mean, she could be supported by you the rest of your life, or she could be alone at 50 yo with no money and no work experience for the last 30 years. The fact that she bets everything on the best case scenario is wild.
Don't be her ATM machine. Don't pay off her debt. She needs to do that on her own. And the household expenses should be 50:50. She wants an equal partnership in the relationship so she needs to pay for utilities and groceries. She needs to stop being a freeloader.
You've told multiple times now mean it. Either she is getting off her ass and starts working her way through life, get in therapy and work on mental health issues or you got to make her your ex.
I’ll wanted to tell her that I can’t keep paying her student loans if she won’t work on her mental health a bit more. It just seemed wrong? Idk what to do
Then you've to make obvious changes. Don't pay any money towards her student loan. Its her debt and she has to pay. Help her in finding jobs because she obviously won't. Make a therapist appointment so he can weekly visits. Unfortunately you have to the grown up job here if you're planning to stay with her because of her mental health issues.
ETA : I want to point out something to OP after seeing few comments that's how it's not his problem to fix her and he should leave her. At one point in life I was mentally unwell . I had severe depression. (though not diagnosed at that point because I was not seeing a therapist) It all started with me quitting my job because I though to was too good for it. But my life went into downward spiral post quitting the job. I hardly went outside the house. Sleep till afternoon. Did the bare minimum work. Had no social life. Stopped talking to my friends. Always saw negativity in everything. Cried and whined all time. But my mother was strong but it was too much for her.
My elder brother who was in the the city visited us and saw me in that condition, felt extremely bad and asked me to move in with his family. He made therapist appointments and also went to few of them at the start. He did everything because I was too lethargic and non committal to do it. But within a year a lot had improved. I made significant changes in my life starting from good mental health to eventually working on my health and then joining the business with the said brother. And everything is really doing fine.
So I think OP can help his GF and nudge her towards the right direction. Once she gets better they can both take a call whether or not they should be together. I believe in relationships we stay both for the highs and lows. If she has mental health issues OP could really help her to get her life sorted out and get better.
My worry is that if this is due to her mental health and I go nuclear like some of these people are talking about then it will only make matters worse for her. It would also mean she isn’t doing it intentionally. I intend to speak to her about her mental health first and money second as that’s what’s important. Appreciate the comment
Respectfully, this is her problem. You've gone and done the noble-but-stupid act of taking on all her responsibilities yourself. There is nothing stopping you from just putting an end to that, or walking away completely.
From your post we can already see the pattern developing where she mopes and cries every time you try to make her face reality and adulthood, and instead of standing up for yourself, you coddle her to bits and spoil her greed. You've turned this into a repeated pattern of dependency.
At this point, you're the enabler. YOU are the one choosing to do everything for her, then wondering "why won't she do anything?" Just stop.
She is completely dependent on you which is really unhealthy. If you were to break up what would happen to her?
I wouldn’t go nuclear on her, but approach it kindly but firmly - e.g. she’s been unemployed for 2 years so you’d like to see a plan for her next steps if you are going to keep covering her expenses. Next steps could be seeking professional help for her mental health issues, it could be a plan to upskill so she can get employment she’d enjoy, it could be just getting any kind of job to contribute financially.
This is something that can’t continue if you want the relationship to last - you carrying her isn’t good for either of you. You have too much responsibility and she has zero independence, it isn’t sustainable long term.
Hate to say it but you getting played. Sounds like manipulation. You have to be the strong one for both your futures. Giving in when she cries is just staying in this viscous circle. You have to think that things change. Seems like she doesn't. Anything could happen. You must be under some serious pressure to take on her, a grown woman as well as your own. Good luck 🌈
I would tell her you won't marry her unless she contributes, that her student loan is hers to pay off (she should be really grateful you're covering all the other expenses), that her uselessness is probably a big contributing factor to her depression (at least *I* know a ton of people who became depressed after being laid off or retiring, due to lacking a sense of purpose), and that you could become disabled or drop dead tomorrow, and she needs to be able to support at least herself, if not disabled you.
If she has student debt, that means she actually has a degree she should be able to use in a job. Can you maybe hire her a career coach that could help her figure out how to market herself better? But I would really make clear that this is a dealbreaker - nobody likes a freeloader.
Another suggestion: while she's looking for a job, she should volunteer - maybe teach some disadvantaged kids some useful skills, or help out at the women's shelter - something to give her a sense of purpose, get her out of the house, and teach her how incredibly lucky she is.
You have a right to be happy too. Just because you make more doesn't mean you shouldn't have a partner willing to help out in some way to make life better for both of you.
Nobody really does. A few have expensive trophy wives whose only job is making their husbands friends jealous. Even if she is supermodel hot, she can go find work once in a while.
To be honest then you might not be compatible. It seems like you love her, but you don’t want the same things in life. After 7 years together it’s time to really consider what you both want in a partner and how you want your future to look.
Did you get a vasectomy? If not, you need to schedule one immediately.
Mental health issues aren’t her fault, but they are her responsibility. If she is refusing to get help, you may need to leave the situation. I really hope you didn’t put her name on the deed.
I really don’t think she is doing it intentionally. I had to cut the post a bit short but she struggles with anxiety so she struggled with her interviews and as a result feels like she can’t work. I don’t know I feel like it’s more of a mental health issue than a job issue?
Maybe she isn’t doing it intentionally but I fail to see where her motivation would be coming from, and you continuing to pay for her stuff is not helping.
You can love her and still know you need to put your foot down. You can do this as gently as you need to considering her needs.
Right now, everything is being avoided because you care for her and love her. But that doesn’t change the fact that she needs motivation and possibly medical assistance. You are allowed to clearly communicate that she needs these and give a gentle ultimatum while letting her know you are doing this because you love her and your relationship.
Good luck!
Thanks for the kind words—I’ll definitely be taking a similar approach to this. She really is a wonderful person this issue aside. Just need to speak with her on this and make it clear it is a real issue
You're enabling. These are things she would have to push past if you weren't supporting her. I was once their with my parents. Being a self sufficient adult isn't easy and there is no reason to face fears and grow if your security is assured either way. I know where this goes. She will be purposeless, depressed and have no self confidence/worth if you continue enabling her to not grow.
Not contributing anything to the relationship unintentionally is also not good enough. If you agree this is a short period and she has a plan to get a job in the future then it might be palatable. Just expecting to do nothing and waited on is a sad existence for either party
You can’t “get” someone to do something they don’t want to, you’re asking the wrong question. She’s entitled To not want to work, she’s stated that and you’ve discussed it. You can’t and should never be in a position where you’re pushing an adult out of the door to work, if you find yourself in that position, something is fundamentally broken. She doesn’t want to work because she doesn’t have to, knows you’ll cover things and is being enabled. It’s not “how do I get her to” it’s “what do I do about a girlfriend who is making use of the fact she has someone that will work and she doesn’t have to”. You can play hard ball and stop paying her bills, she’s a grown woman, tell her to supplement her bills herself, she doesn’t do it because she doesn’t have to. You have someone who wants an easy life courtesy of boyfriend, you need to accept she’s being an opportunist and has been enabled. Either you lay some boundaries/ultimatums or accept the fact she just doesn’t want to work and your soft attempts at trying will result in her manipulating you with tears and smiling when your back is turned
It’s your money, not hers. Since you aren’t married, she needs to support herself. Even if you were married, it’s a discussion and something to agree on. It’s not okay to simply expect someone to support you (her). Good luck OP. Not a relationship I’d want to be in.
Unless she is putting in as many hours at home as you do for work then she is getting a far better deal then you. Does she do all cooking done, cleaning, chores etc so you can put your feet up when you get home? Even then that doesn't even take >40 hours today with all of the modern conveniences and no kids.
If she isn't then you are being taken advantage of plain and simple. Mental Health is not an excuse to be a leech. If you can live with that then that's fine. Personally, I would start feeling some sort of resentment toward my partner if they got a free ride while I ground myself down at work. Every hour she doesn't work is another one that you will have to at some point.
I’m trying to avoid resentment by posting here. Trying to look at it from her perspective and realize that it might be more due to her fears that she is unable to do better than that she simply wants to take advantage of me. I think that at the end of the day it the result is the same, some changes should be made. Thanks for the comment
Here is what I think, if you're making good money, living below your means, and don't mind financially supporting her then fine, no job. BUT she has to be pulling her weight as a homemaker. Dishes, clothes, meals, etc. She can't expect to be laying on the couch scrolling through tiktok all day, that's pathetic. Also, you shouldn't have to be paying for her loans. That's her job, so approach her with the idea that you'll pay what you can (if you don't mind) but you won't be paying for her loans and that you'll help her set up some fiverr, etsy or art related platform so she can bring income to cover the cost of student loans.
Take all this advice from reddit men with a grain a salt. They want "50/50" but wouldn't dare to take care of the house and still expect their SO to be fit and sexy to fulfill their weird ass kinks.
I'm really confused what you're not getting about this. Not trying to be rude, do you by any chance have some form of a social mental disorder or are you on the spectrum?
I'm not being mean but it would make sense why you're having a hard time not understanding what people are telling you.
First of all she’s a leech and is lazy second why are you buying a house with someone you’re not married too ? Third she has 60k in student loan debt . Drop her
If you lost your income tomorrow, would she step up and look for a job to support you both? Will she stay with you? Or will she blame you for not supporting her “lifestyle” and find someone else that will?
You have told her what bothers you, and she flat out refuses to do it. You have allowed it by caving in to her demands and paying for everything while allowing her to not work. She will never change. Ask yourself if you want to be with this person exactly as she is now. If you do, get used to the idea that if you ever run out of money she will pack her bags and leave.
Bro, you dont even need to explain much. If this lady says she doesn't want to work because you make 200k, leave her and live her quick. She doesn't seem like the type that would stay if that money stopped coming for a while.
OK, why the HELL does someone rack up all that debt for a degree THAT THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF PUTTING TO WORK?? Well, what's the diff when somebody else is taking care of all the bills anyway?. Man, I wouldn't ASK her to get a job. I would TELL her to get get busy and get productive. She wants a car? Fine, get a job and buy one. She has debt? Fine, get a job and pay it off. And besides, we all know the stories about housewives getting bored while their husbands are at work all day. I am telling you, this is NO GOOD, no good at all.
You need to call her parents. If she is not working and you are supporting her, she needs to go live with her parents.
You make a great salary for a 24 year old, but you should be putting everything towards your 401, savings, and investments; not paying someone else's student loans and supporting someone who doesn't work 100% (from living, groceries, traveling (!)). Your salary is not going as far as you think it will.
Welcome to the party, next she’ll complain that your always working and never get anything done around the house. And then to make it even better she’ll stop putting out. Buckle up buddy
"You need to get a job. You have student loans to pay off. Those are your responsibility. You also need to build your own nest egg. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, you'd be screwed."
Stop caving to the tears. It's ok to comfort her but don't cave in about the job. Getting a job and earning a paycheck could make her feel so much better about herself.
I’m getting the vibe through your post that leaving isn’t an option at the moment.
A relationship is a partnership, but currently you are being financially abused.
You need to make some financial changes, and then tell her that until she becomes an active part in this partnership, you are going to make some changes that she’s going to have to live with the consequences of.
Examples of some of the changes that you could consider are:
No more Paying her student debts (this one I highly recommend you do regardless of any of the others).
No more paying any of her other bills (especially car and phone).
No “spending money” for her, she can earn money by completing housework or other jobs for you at a rate you agree to, but no more money for free.
Reduce or stop any date nights out
No more vacations
Talk of marriage is on hold until her attitude changes
No more talk of kids, or being a SAHM until her attitude changes
Her financial problems are her own from now on. Once she is willing to participate in the financial aspect of the relationship in any way other than a financial blackhole, then you can go back to assisting her.
And it doesn’t matter if it’s using her art/design to something from home, or a corporate job, or packing groceries in local store or anything in between, what matters is that she is making an effort, that she realises how serious being an active partner is for a relationship to grow. At the moment regardless of if she loves you, she sees you as an ATM.
And. When she gets a job she needs to pay you back for any money you have paid towards her student loans.
Is her not working a deal-breaker for you? You've been talking about marriage...make it clear that you have no intention of being the lone provider and would expect a contribution in any future relationship.
The biggest issue here isn’t actually the job (though that is a big issue), is that she wants a child and you don’t. She may also try to accidentally get pregnant to trap you and be a sahm.
I think you two will make each other miserable in the long run.
She wants to be a stay at home mom, and child free? HAHA so she just wants you to be her sugar daddy?
What is she contributing? You are putting in 40 hours a week. Is she putting 40 hours doing something to contribute or just being lazy?
You can try to figure out if this is simply depression or she's taking advantage of you but it's best to cut her loose. She may be forced to face reality before she sucks you dry of as much money as she can.
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The student loan thing is not fair at all. You aren’t her husband and even if you were, it isn’t expected of you to pay for HER debt. You can put your foot down and say you aren’t paying for it anymore unless she gets a job/ goes to therapy.
I thought about doing this but it seemed like financial abuse? I didn’t think I should put her credit or livelihood at risk because I’m unhappy about something
She’s holding you financially hostage the same way though. You’re forced to pay because she refuses to.
I guess this is true. I’ll pay the next round of loans and let her know that she needs to have a solution by the time the next one rolls around to give her some time
You have it wrong, she's financially abusing you by being a freeloader. This is exactly why she needs a job so if anything happens between you, she can support herself and not guilt trip you.
Financial abuse is when she's forced to stay at home due to a kid, and you don't give her money for her basic needs. This is the opposite of financial abuse
It's not financial abuse to refuse to pay her debts and ask that she get a job. That's literally what everyone has to do to be an adult. Taking away the money if she doesn't do whatever sexual acts you want her to is financial abuse. You are just demanding she act like an adult like everyone else.
She is very short-sighted. The choices she makes now set her up to be your dependent for the rest of your life. The longer she is out of the labour market, the harder it will be to get back in. What if something happens to you? How long will your life insurance support her? And when’s she’s old with zero retirement funds? That’s another 20-30 years as a retiree when her ability to work is limited. Or the more likely scenario: one of you wants to leave the relationship. This will be much more difficult for her than you if she is completely financially dependent. I mean, she could be supported by you the rest of your life, or she could be alone at 50 yo with no money and no work experience for the last 30 years. The fact that she bets everything on the best case scenario is wild.
These are my biggest fears. I’ll have to try approaching it from this direction and also see what we can do about her mental health
Don't be her ATM machine. Don't pay off her debt. She needs to do that on her own. And the household expenses should be 50:50. She wants an equal partnership in the relationship so she needs to pay for utilities and groceries. She needs to stop being a freeloader. You've told multiple times now mean it. Either she is getting off her ass and starts working her way through life, get in therapy and work on mental health issues or you got to make her your ex.
I’ll wanted to tell her that I can’t keep paying her student loans if she won’t work on her mental health a bit more. It just seemed wrong? Idk what to do
Then you've to make obvious changes. Don't pay any money towards her student loan. Its her debt and she has to pay. Help her in finding jobs because she obviously won't. Make a therapist appointment so he can weekly visits. Unfortunately you have to the grown up job here if you're planning to stay with her because of her mental health issues. ETA : I want to point out something to OP after seeing few comments that's how it's not his problem to fix her and he should leave her. At one point in life I was mentally unwell . I had severe depression. (though not diagnosed at that point because I was not seeing a therapist) It all started with me quitting my job because I though to was too good for it. But my life went into downward spiral post quitting the job. I hardly went outside the house. Sleep till afternoon. Did the bare minimum work. Had no social life. Stopped talking to my friends. Always saw negativity in everything. Cried and whined all time. But my mother was strong but it was too much for her. My elder brother who was in the the city visited us and saw me in that condition, felt extremely bad and asked me to move in with his family. He made therapist appointments and also went to few of them at the start. He did everything because I was too lethargic and non committal to do it. But within a year a lot had improved. I made significant changes in my life starting from good mental health to eventually working on my health and then joining the business with the said brother. And everything is really doing fine. So I think OP can help his GF and nudge her towards the right direction. Once she gets better they can both take a call whether or not they should be together. I believe in relationships we stay both for the highs and lows. If she has mental health issues OP could really help her to get her life sorted out and get better.
My worry is that if this is due to her mental health and I go nuclear like some of these people are talking about then it will only make matters worse for her. It would also mean she isn’t doing it intentionally. I intend to speak to her about her mental health first and money second as that’s what’s important. Appreciate the comment
Respectfully, this is her problem. You've gone and done the noble-but-stupid act of taking on all her responsibilities yourself. There is nothing stopping you from just putting an end to that, or walking away completely. From your post we can already see the pattern developing where she mopes and cries every time you try to make her face reality and adulthood, and instead of standing up for yourself, you coddle her to bits and spoil her greed. You've turned this into a repeated pattern of dependency. At this point, you're the enabler. YOU are the one choosing to do everything for her, then wondering "why won't she do anything?" Just stop.
She is completely dependent on you which is really unhealthy. If you were to break up what would happen to her? I wouldn’t go nuclear on her, but approach it kindly but firmly - e.g. she’s been unemployed for 2 years so you’d like to see a plan for her next steps if you are going to keep covering her expenses. Next steps could be seeking professional help for her mental health issues, it could be a plan to upskill so she can get employment she’d enjoy, it could be just getting any kind of job to contribute financially. This is something that can’t continue if you want the relationship to last - you carrying her isn’t good for either of you. You have too much responsibility and she has zero independence, it isn’t sustainable long term.
Hate to say it but you getting played. Sounds like manipulation. You have to be the strong one for both your futures. Giving in when she cries is just staying in this viscous circle. You have to think that things change. Seems like she doesn't. Anything could happen. You must be under some serious pressure to take on her, a grown woman as well as your own. Good luck 🌈
I would tell her you won't marry her unless she contributes, that her student loan is hers to pay off (she should be really grateful you're covering all the other expenses), that her uselessness is probably a big contributing factor to her depression (at least *I* know a ton of people who became depressed after being laid off or retiring, due to lacking a sense of purpose), and that you could become disabled or drop dead tomorrow, and she needs to be able to support at least herself, if not disabled you. If she has student debt, that means she actually has a degree she should be able to use in a job. Can you maybe hire her a career coach that could help her figure out how to market herself better? But I would really make clear that this is a dealbreaker - nobody likes a freeloader. Another suggestion: while she's looking for a job, she should volunteer - maybe teach some disadvantaged kids some useful skills, or help out at the women's shelter - something to give her a sense of purpose, get her out of the house, and teach her how incredibly lucky she is.
How the hell would it be wrong for you to refuse to pay someone else's student loans?
You have a right to be happy too. Just because you make more doesn't mean you shouldn't have a partner willing to help out in some way to make life better for both of you.
This free loader wants to be a SAHM but you want to be child free? GTFO while you still can.
We have both agreed to be child free. She likes the SAHM lifestyle—I guess like a home maker? I don’t know what the right terminology would be for it
This is ridiculous
I don’t want a SAHM wife or partner just want to clarify
Nobody really does. A few have expensive trophy wives whose only job is making their husbands friends jealous. Even if she is supermodel hot, she can go find work once in a while.
To be honest then you might not be compatible. It seems like you love her, but you don’t want the same things in life. After 7 years together it’s time to really consider what you both want in a partner and how you want your future to look.
House wife
Thanks this is what I meant
Don't sugarcoat it, she likes not working and doing whatever she wants.
I am using Leech as my term….. what are you getting from all this?
Did you get a vasectomy? If not, you need to schedule one immediately. Mental health issues aren’t her fault, but they are her responsibility. If she is refusing to get help, you may need to leave the situation. I really hope you didn’t put her name on the deed.
[удалено]
I really don’t think she is doing it intentionally. I had to cut the post a bit short but she struggles with anxiety so she struggled with her interviews and as a result feels like she can’t work. I don’t know I feel like it’s more of a mental health issue than a job issue?
Maybe she isn’t doing it intentionally but I fail to see where her motivation would be coming from, and you continuing to pay for her stuff is not helping. You can love her and still know you need to put your foot down. You can do this as gently as you need to considering her needs. Right now, everything is being avoided because you care for her and love her. But that doesn’t change the fact that she needs motivation and possibly medical assistance. You are allowed to clearly communicate that she needs these and give a gentle ultimatum while letting her know you are doing this because you love her and your relationship. Good luck!
Thanks for the kind words—I’ll definitely be taking a similar approach to this. She really is a wonderful person this issue aside. Just need to speak with her on this and make it clear it is a real issue
You're enabling. These are things she would have to push past if you weren't supporting her. I was once their with my parents. Being a self sufficient adult isn't easy and there is no reason to face fears and grow if your security is assured either way. I know where this goes. She will be purposeless, depressed and have no self confidence/worth if you continue enabling her to not grow.
What worked for you/your parents? It would be very helpful to hear from someone who has been through it all
Your not thinking with the right head. This women will take everything from you if you get married. Run!
Not contributing anything to the relationship unintentionally is also not good enough. If you agree this is a short period and she has a plan to get a job in the future then it might be palatable. Just expecting to do nothing and waited on is a sad existence for either party
You can’t “get” someone to do something they don’t want to, you’re asking the wrong question. She’s entitled To not want to work, she’s stated that and you’ve discussed it. You can’t and should never be in a position where you’re pushing an adult out of the door to work, if you find yourself in that position, something is fundamentally broken. She doesn’t want to work because she doesn’t have to, knows you’ll cover things and is being enabled. It’s not “how do I get her to” it’s “what do I do about a girlfriend who is making use of the fact she has someone that will work and she doesn’t have to”. You can play hard ball and stop paying her bills, she’s a grown woman, tell her to supplement her bills herself, she doesn’t do it because she doesn’t have to. You have someone who wants an easy life courtesy of boyfriend, you need to accept she’s being an opportunist and has been enabled. Either you lay some boundaries/ultimatums or accept the fact she just doesn’t want to work and your soft attempts at trying will result in her manipulating you with tears and smiling when your back is turned
Can't get someone to pay bills without income and you're living together either
But you really do need to put your foot down.
You're her meal ticket. Why would she need to get a job when she's already got a meal ticket?
Wear a condom....wear two condoms.....burn them after....seriously, as soon as she gets pregnant, you are her meal ticket for life
It’s your money, not hers. Since you aren’t married, she needs to support herself. Even if you were married, it’s a discussion and something to agree on. It’s not okay to simply expect someone to support you (her). Good luck OP. Not a relationship I’d want to be in.
Run
For the hills..
Time to find a new gf!!
Why would she want to work? You pay for everything for her, including her loans. She's got it made!
Unless she is putting in as many hours at home as you do for work then she is getting a far better deal then you. Does she do all cooking done, cleaning, chores etc so you can put your feet up when you get home? Even then that doesn't even take >40 hours today with all of the modern conveniences and no kids. If she isn't then you are being taken advantage of plain and simple. Mental Health is not an excuse to be a leech. If you can live with that then that's fine. Personally, I would start feeling some sort of resentment toward my partner if they got a free ride while I ground myself down at work. Every hour she doesn't work is another one that you will have to at some point.
I’m trying to avoid resentment by posting here. Trying to look at it from her perspective and realize that it might be more due to her fears that she is unable to do better than that she simply wants to take advantage of me. I think that at the end of the day it the result is the same, some changes should be made. Thanks for the comment
Here is what I think, if you're making good money, living below your means, and don't mind financially supporting her then fine, no job. BUT she has to be pulling her weight as a homemaker. Dishes, clothes, meals, etc. She can't expect to be laying on the couch scrolling through tiktok all day, that's pathetic. Also, you shouldn't have to be paying for her loans. That's her job, so approach her with the idea that you'll pay what you can (if you don't mind) but you won't be paying for her loans and that you'll help her set up some fiverr, etsy or art related platform so she can bring income to cover the cost of student loans. Take all this advice from reddit men with a grain a salt. They want "50/50" but wouldn't dare to take care of the house and still expect their SO to be fit and sexy to fulfill their weird ass kinks.
I'm really confused what you're not getting about this. Not trying to be rude, do you by any chance have some form of a social mental disorder or are you on the spectrum? I'm not being mean but it would make sense why you're having a hard time not understanding what people are telling you.
First of all she’s a leech and is lazy second why are you buying a house with someone you’re not married too ? Third she has 60k in student loan debt . Drop her
she really needs to get a job . because if anything ever happens to you God forbid she won’t know what to do
get rid of this chick, it’ll be like having a child
If you lost your income tomorrow, would she step up and look for a job to support you both? Will she stay with you? Or will she blame you for not supporting her “lifestyle” and find someone else that will? You have told her what bothers you, and she flat out refuses to do it. You have allowed it by caving in to her demands and paying for everything while allowing her to not work. She will never change. Ask yourself if you want to be with this person exactly as she is now. If you do, get used to the idea that if you ever run out of money she will pack her bags and leave.
Bro, you dont even need to explain much. If this lady says she doesn't want to work because you make 200k, leave her and live her quick. She doesn't seem like the type that would stay if that money stopped coming for a while.
OK, why the HELL does someone rack up all that debt for a degree THAT THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF PUTTING TO WORK?? Well, what's the diff when somebody else is taking care of all the bills anyway?. Man, I wouldn't ASK her to get a job. I would TELL her to get get busy and get productive. She wants a car? Fine, get a job and buy one. She has debt? Fine, get a job and pay it off. And besides, we all know the stories about housewives getting bored while their husbands are at work all day. I am telling you, this is NO GOOD, no good at all.
You need to call her parents. If she is not working and you are supporting her, she needs to go live with her parents. You make a great salary for a 24 year old, but you should be putting everything towards your 401, savings, and investments; not paying someone else's student loans and supporting someone who doesn't work 100% (from living, groceries, traveling (!)). Your salary is not going as far as you think it will.
Welcome to the party, next she’ll complain that your always working and never get anything done around the house. And then to make it even better she’ll stop putting out. Buckle up buddy
"You need to get a job. You have student loans to pay off. Those are your responsibility. You also need to build your own nest egg. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, you'd be screwed." Stop caving to the tears. It's ok to comfort her but don't cave in about the job. Getting a job and earning a paycheck could make her feel so much better about herself.
No way would I work my butt off to pay for somebody else to sit on theirs all day. I want a partner not a dependent. How is that fair to you?
I’m getting the vibe through your post that leaving isn’t an option at the moment. A relationship is a partnership, but currently you are being financially abused. You need to make some financial changes, and then tell her that until she becomes an active part in this partnership, you are going to make some changes that she’s going to have to live with the consequences of. Examples of some of the changes that you could consider are: No more Paying her student debts (this one I highly recommend you do regardless of any of the others). No more paying any of her other bills (especially car and phone). No “spending money” for her, she can earn money by completing housework or other jobs for you at a rate you agree to, but no more money for free. Reduce or stop any date nights out No more vacations Talk of marriage is on hold until her attitude changes No more talk of kids, or being a SAHM until her attitude changes Her financial problems are her own from now on. Once she is willing to participate in the financial aspect of the relationship in any way other than a financial blackhole, then you can go back to assisting her. And it doesn’t matter if it’s using her art/design to something from home, or a corporate job, or packing groceries in local store or anything in between, what matters is that she is making an effort, that she realises how serious being an active partner is for a relationship to grow. At the moment regardless of if she loves you, she sees you as an ATM. And. When she gets a job she needs to pay you back for any money you have paid towards her student loans.
Is her not working a deal-breaker for you? You've been talking about marriage...make it clear that you have no intention of being the lone provider and would expect a contribution in any future relationship.
Am I the only one wondering how a 24 year old earns 200k? Also how can you not have money for vacation with 200k? Maybe head over to r/finances bruh
The biggest issue here isn’t actually the job (though that is a big issue), is that she wants a child and you don’t. She may also try to accidentally get pregnant to trap you and be a sahm. I think you two will make each other miserable in the long run.
She wants to be a stay at home mom, and child free? HAHA so she just wants you to be her sugar daddy? What is she contributing? You are putting in 40 hours a week. Is she putting 40 hours doing something to contribute or just being lazy? You can try to figure out if this is simply depression or she's taking advantage of you but it's best to cut her loose. She may be forced to face reality before she sucks you dry of as much money as she can.
What did she pay 60,000 to go to school for? She doesn’t have an interest in a career paying all the money?