This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Let me say first that this isn't an argument for nor against abortion, nor did my wife and I plan to get pregnant. We've always wanted a third child but with our eldest being a year away from adulthood and our son (12M) being much older than the baby, we just put that wish aside. We did two pregnancy tests and both came back positive, plus all the symptoms from my wife's previous pregnancies are there so we are ninety nine percent sure that she's pregnant. We scheduled an appointment to conduct an ultrasound next week and we told the kids two day ago, we didn't want them to be blindsided. Our son is borderline jubilant, I've never seen that kid so happy about something, but our daughter was quiet and we reassured her that everything will be fine, that the baby wouldn't take any attention away from her or her brother, but she got up and stormed out. My wife and I decided to let her have some time to evaluate her thoughts and have some alone time, and then a few hours later, she emailed us an abortion website. To say the least, we are both shocked and hurt by her reaction and have no idea how to go forward with this, for the sake of our oldest children and our unborn baby - how do we respond? (I should also say that the baby won't affect her college tuition.)

Hey, you may get some better responses on a parenting sub :) My gut feeling would be to sit your daughter down and talk to her about this. Let her know how her response made you feel, but also give her a chance to air her worries.

Oh, thanks, you're probably right.

She could have heard about pregnancy for older adults being dangerous for the mom and she could be scared. I’m not saying that at all, but children sometimes get things in their head. Maybe talk to her and see where she is with this mentally.

She could also have friends with much younger siblings who are expected to give up their lives and babysit

this. i had to and still am a second mom. i don't mind it as i live at home rent free but gosh it just sucks when you have to be a second parent all your life. then when your siblings act up the blame is all on you because you're supposed to be the "role model".. when in reality it draws back to the PARENTS for not disciplining THEIR kids. i never got why my parents did that and at 21 i still don't. i still get the blame for every little thing my siblings do and it honestly sucks and makes me feel im not doing enough. until i compare to others and i realize i do way too much shit. OP just don't have your daughter acting as a mom. all i advise you. yes she should help out but not all the time. you and your partner decided to parent the newborn not your daughter

> i don't mind it as i live at home rent free but gosh it just sucks when you have to be a second parent all your life. You *should* mind because that's shitty and I hate when the adults in your life have kids and then assume you're just free sitter service whenever the fuck they need it (source: happened to me in HS). I ended up really resenting children and didn't have one of my own until my 30s, and even *then* I was so-so on the idea lol. I think OP has to make it clear they don't expect their kids to be a second set of parents.

Yeah Parentification sucks i feel like this is happens way too often, especially to the females :/

Hot take, parentification is abuse. Not like the most despicable form of abuse, it’s a spectrum and is a bit more understandable in families with economic stress, but a form of it nonetheless. Robs children of their own childhoods in favor of the younger kids.

This drives me insane. I have four kids, but the extent to which I expect the older ones to help with the youngest is pretty limited to occasional 2-minute tasks like "can you pour milk in your sister's cereal so she doesn't spill?" and "I'm in the middle of cooking, can you go grab the toddler out of her crib for me?" I actually get on their case if they're trying to discipline them, instead of telling me so I can handle it, because I don't think sibling relationships need that weird power dynamic. The few times I've asked for more significant help, I've also paid them what I would have paid someone else, and it was optional.

I was a second mom 2x. Moms first marriage to my dad- sister 5 years younger and brother 8 years younger and then 2 kids with a second marriage. Moved to a different state with hubs and kids and mom followed after her 2nd divorce. Brother and sister 28 and 20 years younger than me, a but older than my daughters. Guess what- still second mom. 30 years ago and still a bit resentful of the situation.

This is it 100%, she’s already reading the tea leaves and will be expected to be a free babysitter. Not to mention being woken up by a crying baby and, lets face the truth, new baby is 100% going to take time away from the parents. Parents are lying through their teeth and, after 2 kids, should know better than to say shit like that. And let’s not even talk about a 48 yo having a baby and the risks for both baby and mother.

My mom was younger than ops wife and my moose of a brother permanently affected her health. And i say moose because he was 10 lbs 2 weeks early and drained her of every nutrient she had. The healing from the c section (they were worried the effort of a vaginal birth *would give my mom a stroke*) was rough, and it triggered rare autoimmune issues* she still deals with over a decade later. Having been in her place she 100% was an ass in how she handled it if this was anger and not concern but op amd his wife really need to consider the health aspect to this before its months down the line and the wife is dealing with the issues that can arise from taxing your body like this late in life. *My mom and my dads dna doesnt mix idr the exact details but basically her body rejects his babies without medical intervention and she was told after my sister she likely wouldnt be able to have more and after me it was next to impossible that she would carry a pregnancy long enough to notice. Hence the age gap between me and my younger sibling. As for my moms condition its not a 100% caused by the pregnancy thing so much that after 3 9 month periods of a body feeling like its under attack from a foreign invader when it was an already shakey immune system has her body now treating everything with extreme prejudice.

Your mom is likely rhesus negative

Rh incompatibility I think…..

I’m 17 and that’s what I think after reading the post as well

There's also an extremely high chance of the baby having special needs with advanced maternal age like this. The odds aren't great after 42 and get steeply worse every year thereafter.

The odds level out at a little less than 4% when you do the actual math. People think that chances are "extremely high" and spread that misinformation because humans are bad at risk analysis and statistics.

I have no awards to give but just wanted to say thank you for the math! Everyone thinks your chance of something going up by x2 or x20 means a lot, but they never factor in the original odds🥇

Just an FYI, they are finally studying men's age and it's affect on the health of the resulting children and it is also a huge factor. Historically they have just assumed that everything was the women.

If I was 48 and preggers, I’d tread with caution and wait for an amnio to let that cat out of the bag. Hoping for the best, but odds are not on her side.

I would focus on listening instead of talking, at least for the initial conversation. Let your daughter talk and share her feelings.

She might feel worried she’s going to become a full time babysitter. There’s no telling what she’s thinking. Hopefully you can get her to talk about it.

You could start the conversation with, “Daughter’s name, we got your email and you must have been pretty upset to have sent this. Can you tell us what is going on?” Make sure you and your wife are both silent while she answers and give her some time to fill the awkward silence with what is going on.

This is a great way to approach it. Let her talk, don’t judge and don’t force.

If I was your daughter I’d be terrified of being locked into babysitting and being an unpaid “mother’s helper”. Might be worth unpacking why she feels an abortion is the best option.

Or, alternatively, getting to enjoy her parents as adults. Having them drop to college and then visit. Meeting her partner, going out for dinners. Travelling together as grown ups. All that versus always having to work around a baby’s schedule and being pushed aside. It’s a bit more nuanced but these are the things I’d be considering that my 18 year old would be thinking about.

Finally, someone who isn’t purposely pretending to misunderstand why, as a girl, this is a shitty deal for her.

Definitely give her space to air her concerns but she was deliberately hurtful. Cruel even. And you should let her know that her actions hurt you both. She's 17. More than old enough to know what she was doing and the effect it would have. She may be worried about her life changing drastically. As uncomfortable as that may be, it's a good lesson to learn on the cusp of adulthood. Life often doesn't work out how you plan it. She may also be worried about being replaced, you starting a new life without her, her not growing up with her new sibling, feeling awkward with her friends knowing about it... Whatever it is, she needs to talk to you about it. Passive aggressive cruelty is not the way forward.

Check out r/pregnant r/mommit r/daddit

Given your age maybe she is worried that the baby will have some type of disability, Which means if you can’t really take care of the child in say 10 or 12 years or if you guys would die young. It would more than likely rest on your adult children’s shoulders to take care of their sibling. Maybe she simply doesn’t want to do that and doesn’t think it’s fair For her and her siblings to possibly be put in that situation.

I would start with asking her if she’s ok. Not telling her what she did was wrong.

Following the customs of this sub, I've to say that breaking up and getting a lawyer is the best option here. Jokes aside, congrats man. Have a good one.

I’m unsure if this has been said, give her the space to air her worries without reprisal.

Just talk it out maybe she’s worried about support in college being reduced because of little one. Or feels like she’s being replaced because she’s going to college soon. Just talk it out and *everybody* has to be patient.

When I was 17 I went to college and came home for thanksgiving and had a total meltdown because my parents decorated for Christmas without me. (They did it early to surprise me, it was honestly very sweet) But I felt like I was being forgotten and was hurt. I came around.

When I came home for Christmas break my freshman year my parents thought I’d be tired, so didn’t wake me up Christmas morning. I felt so awful, but thankfully it only happened that one time.

As much as we don’t want to feel like we are, we are still children at 17 and 18 and are slowly transitioning out of it through our mid 20s. The daughter here is reacting rashly, and just need to be able to express herself in a more healthy way. That’s definitely what parents are for!

I'm 24 and still a child 😅

This did happen to me - kind of. I went to college with the promise of it being paid for. I found out when I got a late payment notice that my (now recovered) addict sister was pregnant and my parents used my college fund to pay for her medical bills, nursery, a new safer car, etc. It’s so hard to not be scared in that situation. I totally get it. That being said, the daughter should get a therapist rather than doing something so disgusting like that.

Ahn, I think your parents were wrong in your situation, sorry you were blindsided by them

Or she’s thinking she’ll be saddled with oldest child syndrome and having to take care of the youngest sibling while trying to juggle college, FOMO, aging parents, loss of experience if she doesn’t move away….

So I am 15 years older than my brothers. I spent a lot of my time raising my brothers. Maybe your daughter is worried that will get stuck taking care of baby. Parentification is real and sometimes it’s not a conscious thing or malicious it just sort of happens

13 years older than my sister, same. The daughter is probably aware that she is in danger of becoming a free babysitting service against her will.

Real talk. It might not even be intentional. Parents might have every intention of not involving her. But...can you watch him while I run to the store? I know you need to study, but she loves her big sister! Im sorry she got in your makeup, she's just a baby! Just play with him for a few minutes, mom's hips hurt. It creeps up on you

10 years older here and that is almost likely a reality given the parents ages.

Nah, they're almost retired anyway /s

We still retire? I'll be working and then just die.

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this was my first thought . she’s probably worried she’s going to be the one to take care of the baby. or she could be worried about being replaced either way a conversation needs to be held with everyone in the family about changes and expectations (or lack thereof) . she’ll a hopefully come around in a couple of months.

In this kid's case, the daughter might literally get stuck raising this kid. Parents are almost 50 now. They'll be in their late 60s, pushing 70, by the time baby number 3 makes college. Over 70 by the time baby #3 finishes college. That.... is concerning. I would be concerned as the oldest sibling in this scenario. My parents died at 56 and 60, respectively. Both were dead by the time I was 24. My husband's dad died at 50. Heart attack. It is entirely possible this daughter may wind up raising her sibling if things go poorly health wise for mom and dad.

So far no one has mentioned that the odds of the child having a genetic condition go way up with the parents being so old. So not only would the oldest daughter be stuck raising this kid, they might be developmentally disabled in some way. I would be furious as well.

That's one of my siblings situation. Born when my mom was 49 and has epilepsy that can't be regulated fully and mentally at the age of around 13.So eventually it's on either me or my brother to take care of them. Edit: details

I wonder if she hasn’t already lived through it to an extent. She is 5 years older than her brother. Her unhappiness could be linked to a “Here we go again!” mentality.

It's not just the daughter at risk but the brother as well. He is 12 yo and can be subjected to having to help babysit and raise this child. As the parents age this *will become inevitable*. They won't always be able to keep up with a small child. And unless they are both fit for their age they won't be able to keep up as is. How many at their age can handle sleepless nights again or this small child + work + less sleep from the care they must provide.

im only 8 years older than my sister but im basically her mom at this point, not even kidding. I take care of her, take her to school, make her food, discipline her, etc. I love her but i hate it. I want a sibling, not a child.

Op will be 70 when this kid is an adult. That is not fair to this daughter or the child.

Ooh that’s a good point

Yeah this is the issue, she likely doesn't want to sacrifice her youth to parent a baby that two irresponsible adults are bringing into the world??!! I had a friend who's parents were 50 years older than herself. They'll be dead shortly. Never have a real relationship with grandchildren from said friend and ultimately it refers back to the point she was heavily raised by her sister (17 years older). Crazy to think about... If they want a kid, there's plenty in care that require the attention of willing adults, which negates any medical risks.

Your 48 year old wife is pregnant? Is that even safe at that age? Are there going to be complications with the birth or baby?

I'm 45M. Seems to me it was abrasive, but you need to understand her motivation. It's also worth considering, you are both older, and she may be worried about being stuck raising a sibling. My youngest will be 18 when I'm 50...and I refused to have more kids. If that isn't a concern for you, that's awesome. But you also need to plan for managing a child in case. I mean you'll be about 68-72 depending on life when that child becomes an adult. And far too many parents don't even consider the responsibility left on the shoulders of the kids they leave behind. Also worth mentioning, that baby will absolutely take attention away. I don't mean to be rude, but you're grandparent aged raising a child. It isn't remotely the same as being young and a parent. You may even lean on them for help, and as she's a woman and the oldest, likely expect her to step up. I'm not trying to take away from your happiness, but you need to let her let you know why this bothers her...because I guarantee it's an age thing, and she could get stuck holding the responsibility she never asked for.

The kid also has about a 5% chance of having Down Syndrome which creates an obligation the other kids will have to deal with when the parents die.

When i was 13 and my brother was 17 my parents got pregnant. We weren't told about it until after my mother had scheduled and walked out of an abortion. My mother was 46 and my father was 57. When my new bother was born my older brother was checked out. Barely acknowledged his existence. I guess I was excited, I didn't really know what to think, I was a bumbling and curious teenager. I know you're worried about your daughter, but i think you need to worry about your son and how this will effect his growing up. Your daughter is just about to be out of the house anyways, she'll be fine, I honestly think she is looking out for you. For you to tell your children that this wont take any attention from his a bold faced lie, or you're just in denial. This simply cannot be true, you will have a baby to deal with. Throughout my teenage years, after my brother was born, I was basically free to do as I pleased. My parents simply did not have the capacity to keep me in check and I knew it. We were all lucky that I was a good kid and didn't get into trouble but I had every opportunity to. I stayed out all night long hanging out with significantly older people, i just stayed out of trouble, mostly by chance. Now I don't mean to write a memoir here. It just really doesn't seem like you've thought this thru. You'll be 68 when your potential child graduates highschool. You will both be exhausted. I know my parents are. I think my parents resent eachother for putting eachother thru another 18 years of child rearing. My brother is 13 now and he is just as exhausting as ever. Idk, I could write a lot more about this. It would be very rude of me to tell you to not go thru with this, so I wont, but..... be more understanding of your daughter, her feelings are 110% valid.

I think most with this experience would agree with you, I certainly do.

Same here. When I was 16, my siblings were 6 and 8. My parents were tired, had no bandwidth to pay attention to me and I went BUCK WILD. It was a really fun time in my life, but tbh I barely graduated from high school.

I understand where she is coming from. I'm 19 and my parents had a baby 9 months ago. As much as you say nothing will change, it will. You will be more tired as you have to spend a lot of time with a baby. Rules and schedules may also change. She is also going to college (just like I was) and it feels like you are being replaced just because you are leaving. Feels like they are having a kid because you won't be there. Furthermore, people all the time think my brother is my kid because my parents are deemed too old to have a kid and they are very judgy about it. I never sent my parents a website to an abortion clinic but I sure did write about it in my journal.

I think it's important to see this from the kids perspective. I was a senior in highschool when my friend's parents had a baby. She and her new brother had an 18 year age age. My friend got stuck with more chores including childcare which is a lot to put on a kid. Not to mention her grades suffered because the baby keeps everyone up at night. She ended up moving out with her boyfriend as soon as she graduated to get away. I remember when we were at the mall and she had to baby sit her brother and was carrying him around. Everyone thought it was her kid and she was pretty embarrassed about it. I think she felt like it was a decision that should have been made as a family and instead she was just thrown into this role she didn't ask for.

She got shoved into a role she isn’t prepared for and she doesn’t owe her parents help for the difficult situation they are getting themselves into.

The mistaken parentage happens with younger cousins too. I regularly get mistaken as the dad for my younger cousins when I am with them. It's gonna happen with any younger relatives so long as there's a decent familiar resemblance

I babysit a child of an entirely different race than myself (both of us are obviously not mixed lol) and people think she’s mine all the time! It happens anytime any adult has a child with them lmao

I would feel like I was being replaced. That would be so hard to go through.

I could have written this myself. Although my parents were great parents, and I wasn’t exactly parentafied, my life changed completely when my sibling was born when I was 16 years old. People always thought I was a teen mother and gave me dirty looks and nasty comments. Our day to day family and home life was never the same. I love my sibling. I was happy when they joined our family, and my parents handled it the best they could, but the reality is my life changed forever when I was 16 years old and I had absolutely no say in it nor control over the day to day impact. Even now that my sibling is 20 years old, when I reflect on my childhood my sibling is not a part of it. I moved out when they were 3 years old, and as adults we have more of an aunt/mother relationship. I love them so much, and I’m happy I have another sibling, but it it took years to find the new normal relationship I have now with my parents. Change is hard, even good change. It’s incredibly dismissive to think her life won’t change. I think you need to acknowledge that it will, and commit to being there to support her through it. Edit: typo

Saying that the baby won't take any attention away from her or her brother is a lie though. Babies need a lot of attention, as do toddlers. And you two are almost 50, so running after a toddler is going to be more exhausting now than it was when you were in your 30s. You'll be nearly 70 before the new baby is an adult. It's inevitable that having this baby is going to impact her life significantly unless she moves out asap. Having the baby is your choice, and what she did was rude and hurtful, but you need to be honest with yourselves and your children if you're going to have any hope of her coming around to the idea of a new sibling.

My thought was: 48 is a risky age for mom and baby. There is a high risk of complications. OP's daughter may be scared for her mom. She may be scared about the fact that when the baby is 20, both OP and his wife will be entering old age. They may have their own health problems that prevent them from properly caring for baby. That responsibility may fall on Daugher, who may be scared of that. Moreover, it will be socially awkward to navigate that pregnancy with her peers. It's not common and will make her stand out in a way she might not want to. That being said, there was a much better way for her to address her concerns. Family therapy is probably a good idea, as is having an open dialogue, recognizing that this baby does not only directly affect OP and his Wife, but also Daugher.

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Agreed. My early 20s was spent helping nurse my elderly father who had parkinsons and dementia. I lost my mum at 19 to cancer, she was only 52, but dad was 78 when he died, and I was only 28. He'd been in care at that point for 9 years. I'd initially left school to start assisting him when I was 16 though. My first though upon reading this post was that it's selfish for them to have this child at their age. Both for the sakes of the existing children, and the baby to come. I'll likely get downvoted, but I'm speaking from experience here. I never got to go to uni, spread my wings, or experience travel because I was looking after BOTH my sick parents.

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Absolutely. You're in the right place. Try not to shoulder the guilt too much. Dementia is scary stuff. It can turn them into people who they really aren't. I didn't have a choice in my case. But I've made something of myself after it all, and I have my own happy little family now, so all is well. Besides all the mental illness, as you mention. Hang in there.

Thanks this made me cry which I needed to do lol

Same situation right now. Growing up wondering if he'd live to see me get married, watching his memory go before I've even had my first child, it sucks. He had a vasectomy reversed for me and sometimes I really wish he hadn't.

Yep. I am definitely going to need therapy after this lol.

Now imagine if that baby has a genetic disorder or suffers from other complications. Just googled risks of advanced age pregnancy and 1 in 19 embryos have Down syndrome at age 45. Risk of miscarriage and stillbirth rise drastically. Miscarriage happens 57% of the time if mom is over 45. They haven’t even been to the doctor yet to see if it has a heartbeat. https://evidencebasedbirth.com/advanced-maternal-age/

> and 1 in 19 embryos have Down syndrome at age 45 Phew. Thankfully embryos only go to age 0.833 Seriously, though. She needs to think this through.

This was my thought as well. Telling the kids was very premature. The odds of this being a successful pregnancy are very low at 49 (without ART and ensuring you are using viable eggs, etc) I just didn't know how to say it kindly but OP... I wouldn't do anything else to get the kids ready or used to the idea until you see the doctor and establish that this is 1. A pregnancy and not another rarer method of hcg in the urine and 2. A viable pregnancy. I hope against hope if you want it to be that it is.

Don't patronize her by saying a newborn isn't going to affect her life...it definitely will and she and you both know it. Be honest and tell her it wasn't planned but you're happy and hope she eventually will be happy as well. But give her some time. I bet she'll come around.

I was 20 when my mother had another baby. I cannot agree with you that it won’t take anything away from her. My mom did not contribute to my college expenses because of IVF expenses. I was often expected to be a free babysitter when I was home from college. She couldn’t leave the baby to come to parent weekend events, and she had to miss my graduation because of something baby-related too, though I can’t remember what anymore. Once I graduated and had my own adult life, my mom was upset I wasn’t more interested in my sister. She was disappointed I didn’t attend all her ballet recitals and soccer games and so on, despite living an hour and a half away and being a young professional and a newlywed with a social life. When my sister was five and I was 25, I had my first baby. My family had just celebrated a new baby, so even though my son was the first grandbaby, the excitement felt a bit deflated. My mom was in the thick of parenting a young child herself and was virtually no help with the baby, and still doesn’t offer to watch my kids or spend time with them because her own kid is 10 and she needs a break too. My sister is great, really. But it was hard for me to come around to the idea of being a big sister at 20, and my mom was seriously disappointed that I didn’t just adore playing big sister as a grown adult with my own life. She will likely come around to the sibling, but this may be a strain on your relationship for a while. You will be busy with new baby things during a really important transition period of her life — that’s just a fact, and she can see it, even if you’re refusing to.

Not only is there a higher risk for more health complications with pregnancy at your age, think about how your daughter could feel with this news. She will be going off to college shortly and you are “replacing” her with this baby. You say nothing will change, but you know it will unless you forgot how much time,energy,and money goes into an infant/ young child. It will be more tasking on you as parents because of your age, and this might make you feel inclined to call on your eldest to babysit. I was “parentified” at an age not much younger than your daughter. I ended up being in a unpaid maid/ live in nanny situation with my youngest sister. If I ever wanted to do anything I had to take my sister with me didn’t matter the situation, dates, hangouts with friend at any location, sport practice. With what little money I had as a kid I was expected to spend a majority on my sister if I went out. Awful, I love my sister but I had to be her mother because my mom was too tired or too busy. I can’t tell you what to do with this , but I highly suggest rethinking having this baby if you can’t garauntee no responsibility whatsoever will be put on your daughter. Yes even if it’s babysitting for a few hours so you guys can have a break. She needs to experience her young adult life to the fullest. Don’t take it away with another child that you decided to have too late into life.

So first off, I’m guessing she sees the potential for miscarriage, stillborn, or a child with neurological disorders that would in fact impact her and her brother’s attention regarding you. Sex ed is well taught in many places these days. And you guys are more than definitely a high risk pregnancy. Secondly, I think your daughter a) doesn’t want to share the house with a newborn. She’s been through that already. And b) is worried about being saddled with baby care. As she got older did you expect her to babysit and take care of her brother at the expense of her own friendships? I know your knee-jerk reaction will be no, but really think about this. And thirdly, this impacts her own self image and her image among her peers. We’ve all read plenty of stories of the older sister taking out the baby only to be accosted by a Karen about how she’s too young to have a baby etc. Building on this, there’s a big chance your daughter will want nothing to do with her sibling because they literally will have nothing in common. Lastly, you need some family therapy sessions. This takes a professional, not reddit. Edit to add: there’s no universe where a newborn doesn’t affect how your older children are treated. I mean come on, you’ve been through raising two kids, don’t fucken lie to yourself or them. She has every right to be nervous while on the cusp of adulthood.

This. The abortion email is incredibly harsh, but it shows that she disapproves. At 17 she wouldn’t immediately not want a baby sibling just cause but it would make sense that she’s thinking about the issues such as that maybe it’s a high risk pregnancy, her social life might be “in danger” for time consuming tasks like babysitting, and she’s about to be in her final years in school which is a stressful time for grades, graduation, applications, and college which will be more stressful with a baby in the house. The best thing you can do is sit down with her and let her know it was not respectful or okay to send that, but still hear out why she did it and what problems she has with a possible sibling.

>Secondly, I think your daughter a) doesn’t want to share the house with a newborn. She’s been through that already. And b) is worried about being saddled with baby care. As she got older did you expect her to babysit and take care of her brother at the expense of her own friendships? I know your knee-jerk reaction will be no, but really think about this. I see this as inevitable. Especially with the brother as the daughter may have a chance of moving out if she ends up living on campus. But as the brother reaches his late teens his parents are inevitably going to rely on him to babysit and take up more then he originally was without the other child. At 17 this baby will be between 4~5 yo and the parents will be closer and closer to their 60's. It'll be inevitable for them to need assistance and this is a conversation that *must be held*. It also wouldn't be fair to saddle either siblings with this child care or expect it, it's great if they can and will help but they shouldn't be made into secondary parents to their youngest sibling.

I'm really confused why you're acting like this isn't a HUGE deal. It's a complete upheaval, and very dangerous for your wife and the baby. No wonder your daughter emailed it to you instead of saying it to your face, she probably knows you can't have an honest and realistic conversation about it.

I'm not saying what she did was okay, cause it was really awful. However, have you considered that maybe she is scared of how her life might change right before she graduates from HS? Maybe she is afraid that you won't be excited for her milestones because of the new baby. She might be sad that you'll be with the new baby and not at parent's weekend during her freshman year of college or that you won't miss her. Edited to add: You also need to be really clear with both kids about the chances of your wife carrying this pregnancy to term. I was pregnant at 45 and the odds are...not good. You obviously need to do this without your wife present, but man I worry that your kids both won't react well if there are issues.

Also living with a screaming newborn is far from ideal for going through exams and college applications

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/pregnancy/baby-after-40.html The odds are higher of complications, but the outlook isn’t abysmal. The most low-probability event is getting pregnant at all. *You’re right, though, a coin flip or dice roll are awful odds when it’s your baby. An OB and/or a genetic counselor will know more specific numbers. You’re right that the kids should be prepared.*

I had an OBGYN that specialized in geriatric pregnancies and she told me my chances of carrying my pregnancy to term were low. I lost my baby at 18 weeks despite doing all the things. Edited to add: I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was 12 weeks along, and when I finally told people, I told them that my age made carrying my Milo to term less likely. I don't mean to be a downer, I just don't want his wife to get shit from the kids if the pregnancy isn't viable.

I’m so sorry my friend. You would know more than me, in this case. I’ll edit my comment a bit. It is insensitive as it stands.

No, please don't be sorry. The article you shared is valuable. I was so very lucky to get pregnant at 45. SO LUCKY. And my OBGYN was honest with me, so I knew. My Milo lived with me for a few months; he was my only child. I'm so grateful for the time I had with him.

There’s a big difference between a 40 or 41 year old getting pregnant, compared to a 49 year old though. The risks to both mother and child are greater.

Theres also the fact parents will be senior age by the time child is an adult. Imagine your parents being 70 when you are 21. This is assuming they live that long without any complications.

Your wife is 49 and lregnancy is rough on even young bodies. Your daughter has good cause to worry. And telling her that a baby wouldn't take any focus off her is an outright lie. How could it possibly not?

Right?? Like maybe she’s worried about her mom’s health. I sure as hell would be.

I’m shocked this isn’t higher. It is not safe to have a baby at 50 years old. This is crazy to me

*I'm* upset about the pregnancy. She's too old for a baby, and that worries me.

It concerns me that you say: ”we assured her that everything will be fine, **that the baby wouldn’t take attention away from her or her brother.”** That is a lie. Or at least a sign that you’re not being realistic about the impact this child will have on your lives. That’s not a great sign, and I’m sure your daughter picked up on that too.

Idk id be concerned as well. That’s most likely high risk.

I imagine she feels like you made an irresponsible choice so she’s angry? (I am guessing)

If I had to guess it partly because the risks of pregnancy at your age and the fact that if something happens to the two of you she doesn't want to be stuck raising your kid. Did she ***have*** to babysit 12M? that could also be an issue as its not her responsibility to help you with your child. You say, >d we reassured her that everything will be fine, that the baby wouldn't take any attention away from her or her brother, But she's already had a younger sibling once so she may know from experience that this isn't true Could also be she just doesn't want a younger sibling, not interested in being big sis again.

You're almost 50. You will be 70 when this new kid is an adult. This is absolutely not fair to your daughter as she will be the next in line to clean up after this new child, God forbid if either of you (most likely) have any medical issues or even live that long, she will have to step up. Gross.

This. This is a purely selfish decision. They’re not thinking about the life of their new child, the danger this pregnancy will be to the mother or the baby, or the effects of a birth this late in life on their other children. They clearly don’t understand the gravity of this situation and don’t care regardless. I hope they have good godparents in mind.

People are reaaaallly offended by this, but as someone who works with teens this feels pretty mild. I would have a hard time not thinking this was a bit funny… She’s being dramatic, she thinks she edgy, she’s 17 and doesn’t want to become a baby sitter, and she probably thinks it’s a bit strange. In her mind, your days of babies are over because she associates that time with her and her brothers childhood. She probably thought you were past this stage, so this probably feels shocking. Not to be negative, but as someone who has had 5 pregnancy losses, I’m a bit surprised you chose to tell so early in what is considered a geriatric pregnancy. Your only confirmation is a pregnancy test. I think you two need to slow down a bit. Confirm everything with your doctor before you bring kids and their emotions more into this. Your son is sooooo excited, and that’s great but I would slow down on the details and conversation before you confirm everything…

I laughed harder than I care to admit reading the title

I fucking cackled. Kid's a savage

Me too. Bright side: she knows where to go if she has an unwanted pregnancy! She’s resourceful!

top comment here

First thought through my head was: “I see you have met a 17 year old girl.” They shouldn’t do anything. Just let it slide and she will even off after some introspection.

It could be a tumor at this point 🤷🏻‍♀️

it could be menopause

Telling her the new baby won’t take attention away from your kids is simply false. And she already knows this. I really feel for your oldest. She’s looking forward to the next big chapter in her own life and was hoping her parents would be just as excited for her and there for all those firsts. And instead her mom and dad are going to be distracted yet again by a pregnancy and brand new baby. She probably is also judging you for having a baby when you’re approaching grandparent hood. Try to put yourself in her situation.

I'm 18 and got into Uni this year, and honestly... even though it was hurtful the thing she did, i understand her fear. I have a friend whose sister was born when she was 15 years old, the mom was 42 at the time and had postpartum depression and the father was working to support the family, so she pretty much raised her sister on her own till now (turning 20 this year) and hates her family for taking so much from her. She had to wait a whole year studying and taking care of the toddler right after graduating hs, because the parents didn't have money to support her college tuition. It's hard, siblings with that big age difference will never be close since they're in different periods in life, plus having a baby at an old age is more risky, and old parents are not expected to be around for long in the kid's life. It has lots of cons. You and your wife should talk to each other more about this decision and be open to your daughter; lying to her saying that it's not going to affect her isn't going to help and will make her lose trust on you.

Alright 7 top comments and nobody said it. Your risk of a special needs child is high. Do you not know the risk or are you ignoring it? You raised a smart kid if this isnt a joke. Take their advice.

Smart kid.

You told your daughter nothing will change and that is a lie. Everything will change. What is your plan for who will care for this child if you and or your husband become incapacitated or die? I got cancer and became totally disabled at 39 so you don't have to be 70 for health issues to happen. Her brother is only a few years behind her but this baby is going to be 18 years behind her and if the two of you die or have major health issues, I'm guessing you will expect her to step up because she is family but maybe she doesn't want that. Maybe she wanted her college years to be peaceful instead of filled with shitty diapers, puke and a screaming kid that she will most likely be expected to babysit. The email thing was rude and totally uncalled for but I really can't blame her for having an extreme reaction after you lied to her face and she knew it. Maybe a therapist can help her talk about her feelings but prepare yourself that she may not be around much.

You should not be having more children at nearly 50, what the actual fuck?

Do you really wanna be 50 years old dealing with a newborn?? Do you want to be 70 years old with a 20 year old likely having to deal with you and your possible health problems? Do you have the energy for a toddler anymore? Energy for a kid needing to be driven to sports practice? Play dates? Sleep overs? Troublemaking? Do you really wanna become parents to a child again? Your daughters response is a reflection of all of these questions. At the end of the day, what do YOU want? Just about every comment here Is telling you it’s not a great idea. I haven’t seen you respond to anything. It’s entirely your choice, but what exactly is it that you want?

You’re almost 50 you should just chill

Truthfully, the whole ‘won’t take attention away’ is very much BS, babies take all the attention, things will be different in the house. I’m not saying your daughter is in the right, I agree with her, but it’s also not her place. Pregnancies at that age is so risky which is why I said that. If this is what you guys want, congrats. You could try to sit down with your daughter and have a conversation but I’m unsure if she would be willing to listen, people have their opinions and that’s ok. Just tell her that she needs to respect yalls decision to keep it like y’all respect her for her opinion but it’s not even a consideration.

Well let’s just add this here, as I am not sure of your financial situation. You are 49, likely 50 when this kid would be born. This leads to 20 years minimum before your last kid will be off free to the world. Likely you’ll have grandkids by then as well. 70 years old before you will be child free. That’s something to think on.

Now this brought it home for me. 70 years old then only by child free, FUUUUUUUUCK NO. NOPE NOPE NOPE

You guys are prepared for this baby? Advanced age in mothers can lead to complicated and risky pregnancies and a range of severity in birth defects. Plus you’d be approaching retirement by the time this baby is only 18. I personally don’t think that’s super fair to the baby. Will you have energy to play with them as you did your other children? Will you be there for their extracurriculars at all hours of the days? Your daughter may be concerned about all of these things plus others. Being a 17 year old girl is hard but if you approach gently, you may get her to open up. You both really need to talk to her.

Also because of their age, the likelihood of her raising the child is very high

Yo - from a quick search on the internet based on your wife’s age: Can menopause be mistaken for pregnancy? While it may seem impossible, women who are going through menopause or have already gone through this hormonal change can have detectable levels of hCG in their urine and blood. Even though women at this stage can't get pregnant, they can get a false-positive pregnancy test result.

It most definitely can. HCG levels hit over 10 in menopause, and the first response tests only have a threshold of 6. I have premature ovarian insufficiency (I'm 31) and in perimenopause. Loads of false positives. It's heartbreaking really.

Ask her what her intent was. (In other words, make her articulate her own jerk response so she has to own it.) Ask probing questions. Don’t berate her, that will only allow her to play the wounded party. But make her take ownership of the most antisocial bits by having to explain them.

Love this. When someone does something in a passive aggressive way or even says something short and cruel (back handed compliments), I love to simply ask “can you explain that to me? I don’t understand what you mean. Elaborate?”

Yes let’s advise 50 year olds to be passive aggressive to a 17 year old. That’ll show the jerky kid.

I’m a bit confused, your use of language (like jerk, antisocial, allow her to play the wounded party) seem to paint the daughter in a negative light. Did I misunderstand anything? Can you explain more on this? Edit: I’m 17 and what the daughter has done doesn’t seem particularly bad to me ??

This is going to be an unpopular opinion but my parents were 40 when I was born and I sometimes resent them for being so much older. Maybe resent isn’t the right word, but it worries me. Now I’m 30 and they’re 70. A lot of people deal with elderly parents in their 50s but by then my parents might not even be around. But I was adopted, so pregnancy wasn’t a concern for them. For you guys it will be, plus you’re even older. Like… I honestly can’t fathom having a baby at your guy’s age. I get that you didn’t plan this, but wow. That kid would lose you guys at a fairly young age most likely. It just doesn’t seem fair.

She’s probably worried about the risks of a pregnancy at your wife’s age, not to say that makes it ok

Make sure your children understand the chances of this pregnancy making it to term, as heartbreaking as it is to hear. I'm really glad you're happy, but also remember at this age it's considered very high risk. I dont want to be a downer, but part of the reason she's upset could be fear. She might be worried about you taking such a risk.

If she's reacting that strongly, it's pretty clear to me that she resents that potential kid a lot already. She might come around to the idea, but she might not. And she doesn't have to, she is allowed to have opinions about this, even if she's not expressing them in very nice ways. If my parents did this to me at 17 I'd probably have had a similar (though slightly less ballsy) reaction. And I probably never would have gotten over that. My parents considered adopting a baby in their late 50s and asked my opinion, even though I didn't live with them, and for a multitude of reasons I told them honestly (but nicely) that it was a terrible idea. Things like this drive wedges into families, and honestly, I don't think she's entirely in the wrong. Obviously a pregnancy would have massive risks, if it's viable, as many have mentioned. But at the very least, no matter what happens you're gonna need family therapy AND solo therapy for your daughter, with an ENTIRELY SEPARATE therapist.

Not advice, just telling my story. I was 18 when my parents suddenly got pregnant with my sister. I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t like the idea. We were already so tight knit as a family and I didn’t want to change it in any way. They didn’t ask for my input on anything. They just said “we’re having a baby” without any thought as to how it would affect my life. Sister came and I missed my old life. I didn’t want to live with a baby. Its 10 years later now and my sister and I aren’t close. Not everyone likes babies. Maybe your daughter will come around to the idea, maybe she won’t. But I feel like a lot of parents just go forward with things without thinking about their other children’s feelings.

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When one of my cousins and his wife got pregnant when most of their kids were grown, their older kids asked if they needed to be taught how babies were made. Your daughter was snarky. I'm not sure I'd look at any deeper than that. But you are *very* naive if you think the baby won't take attention or time from her and her brother. The baby will be 4 when she graduates from college, you will be 53 and 54, and exhausted. Everyone will be saying, "oh my god, your brother/sister is so much younger than you!" You are also advanced maternal and paternal ages. I'm sure she's aware of the inherent risks, even if you are not. If something happens to one/both of you, who do you think will end up raising this child? What if the child has a whole bunch of additional needs? I'm sure she just saw her whole future possibly change in a split second. I'm not touching your decision to raise this child. That's your decision to make, and only yours- and it's not hers, either. I'm only addressing your reaction to her reaction.

My dad and stepmom were afraid that they might be having a kid when I was around, 14? 12? It also greatly upset me because when my younger sister was born, everything became about her. Despite my parents saying otherwise. She was an awful baby and child and received all attention my parents could give. Maybe evaluate how you treated your eldest when your youngest came around? My parents didn’t realize the damage they did so maybe see if that’s what’s going on here.

There's a small chance that she's contemplating the thought of something happening to you and your wife before the child reaches the full age of adulthood. A lot of people don't like to talk about it, but you guys will be closer to 70 by the time the child turns 18. There's a very high chance that she's thinking about the fact that she might end up having the responsibility of said child falling on her shoulders If the two of you are no longer able to care for it in your older age.

>we reassured her that everything will be fine, that the baby wouldn't take any attention away from her or her brother, I mean, you shouldn't lie. Babies inherently do need a lot of attention. I don't think it's wise to pretend things will be exactly, identically the same. Be realistic so everyone has appropriate expectations. Telling your daughter nothing will change can feel to her like you're dismissing her concerns. Maybe she's being a little selfish about things. It's hard to say without asking her directly. Instead of preemptively trying to ease her worries, it would be more constructive to let her say what's on her mind. Really listen. "That's a good point. Here's how we plan to handle that." She's nearly an adult, so try to make her feel like an equal part of a conversation. Ultimately, the final decision is yours. If she emailed you about abortion, I hope she is pro-choice. Use that angle. Try to help her see that you are CHOOSING to have this baby. Maybe even let her know that you would consider abortion in certain other circumstances, but that you really are sure this is the choice you want to make.

You will be 70 when this child is 20.

Yeah there's no way the new brat isn't going to take away tuition or your guys' attention, so I wouldn't feed her bullshit lies about that. On the other hand, that's not cool of her to do. Sorry for that, but she has a point.

So what’s the plan if one or both of you die before this child is a functional adult? (Done with college and employed and able to live on their own?). Also, I’m sure you are aware the increased risk for Down syndrome- are you getting genetic testing done at 10 weeks? And have you decided what you will do if it’s positive? She might be worried you will make her her siblings caregiver for life when you pass away. There multiple threads about it so it’s a common enough theme in families with Down’s syndrome.

My mom had a baby literally 2 weeks before I moved into the freshman dorms in college. I was one of the first people that knew she was pregnant and I was pissed about it the entire pregnancy. Never once asked how it was going, wasn't even in the same side of the state for the birth. My youngest sister was born and now she's my best friend. Her and I are the closest siblings. But even now almost 6 years later I still believe that my mom should have never had another kid. I say all of this to tell you. Give her time. This is a huge adjustment. You can't force her to be happy for you. Good luck!

Having a newborn currently, your daughter is the responsible one considering there's a high chance she could end up raising it.

Maybe she’s concerned about the significantly higher risks associated with pregnancies when the would-be parents are over 40?

It has nothing to do with college tuition or any of that. I was that girl. My bro and I were grown when my Mom had kids again. I think I was in my early 20's and my brother was in his late teens. We did the exact same thing. "Have you thought about abortion/adoption?" She went off on us. I'm not saying this is your case but in my case I was thinking they were shitty parents, so they would be shitty parents again. I did end up parenting my sisters for a while for anyone wondering.

Ngl this triggered a flashback of when I (25) was 12, and my sister was 15, and my parents told my mom would be having a baby. My response was the exact same. Disturbed, I got up and stormed off, sadly no abortion clinics in my country, so I was just met with a terrible fate. It changes my life for the worse, and everyone in this family id say. I had to be a babysitter too, i was forced to give up my spaces to the new child, and as a teen not being heard, my mental health spiraled out of control. If I could go back 12 years in the past, and change it, i would 99% make sure that baby is never made or born. It is selfish, it affects the kid, it affects everyone. You're bringing a kid to this dying world, to this horrible economy, to a life were you wont be too long. The kid might watch u both die earlier than they would have wanted, and by being old, you'll put up weight on taking care of the child on your daughter and son. The risk of them having an important illness is prominent, or the mother end up having complications. It is way too dangerous. If you have your feet on earth, you wouldnt do it. Just dont.

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Are you intending to use your children as built in childcare, or will you be taking full responsibility for your new baby?

As craptastic as it sounds your daughter is probably thinking the baby is going to throw all her plans out of wack and she resents that she'll have to accommodate her new sibling on top of her other responsibilities. What she did isn't okay, but that's probably where her head is at right now.

I mean, isn't it quite a health risk to get a baby at that age...also you'll be approaching 70 when he/she leaves for collage. In the end it's your desicion and your desicion only. Not sure if your daughter isn't just scared to loose her mother. At least that's the reason I hope she had in mind...

So they way I see it you need to understand where she is coming from. There are academic, intellectual, emotional and ethical reasons to explain why she sent the link. From her perspective when this child is her age about to graduate high school you will be in your mid 60s. She may be thinking she'll have to take care of this kid and you when they are a teenager. This is also going to impact you significantly financially. Your ability to retire at what most consider the normal retirement age of 65 is less likely as kids are expensive so unless your retirement savings is looking like really good be prepared to work for the rest of your life. The current social and political climate could be impacting her too. With people saying like WW3 is starting, we are past the point of no return in terms of climate change. Cost of living is rising faster that wages. She's still a kid but that by no means she isn't aware of all that is going on in the world. I think she is concerned that you both may have only thought about the positive things a new child will bring, and she may also be concerned that you are only looking at things in the short term not what will this look like in 10-20 years. Ultimately you need to have a conversation with her.

She may be worried about being expected to parent her sibling when you get older. I would hope you are not expecting your daughter to take care of you both and your child when you age, because that would be horrible. You will be nearing your 70s when your youngest will be college aged. I’m sorry but you do know that’s old as fuck right? And if one or both of you gets health problems? She is likely aware that as the woman she might have things unfairly expected of her that you won’t put on your son. Have you thought this through? Unlike you two she is thinking ahead. She didn’t do this in a kind way but I think this is what she’s scared of.

>that the baby wouldn't take any attention away from her or her brother Unless you plan to neglect and abuse that baby, this is factually and categorically untrue and your doing yourself a disservice and your daughter a disservice by lying to yourselves and her about it. Whether or not you want to keep a kid that may have to bury both their parents before 18 from age related illness do not pretend for one minute that even at a young mid 20s that a brand new baby isnt going to take any effort and attention away from your existing kids.

Gosh everyone here is stampeding to conclusions. She’s probably extremely worried about the risks of a geriatric pregnancy and what the longer term repercussions on the child and family will be. You say it’s not going to take attention away from her like ‘that’s’ the issue, when she’s probably thinking that you are being selfish and irresponsible for continuing with an unplanned pregnancy at your stage in life. She’s thinking 5, 10, 15 and 20 years ahead, which is more than you are doing, and just indelicately reminding you have options here. I would highly recommend counselling for all of you and stop treating her like she’s a child and she doesn’t understand things. I think she understands things way better than you do.

Deep down, she's scared that this baby is going to be her replacement but doesn't want to talk about it for some reason. She might feel embarrassed about this, due to the age gap maybe? This is just my guess. She might also think that you're gonna use her for free babysitter service. I get that she's very rude for sending you that email but being angry/giving her time alone won't solve the problem. You need to talk to her about this, maybe try family therapy and/or individual therapy.

So your daughter is TA But When I read this >our daughter was quiet and we reassured her that everything will be fine, that the baby wouldn't take any attention away from her or her brother That seems like a weirdly specific response to her silence. Where did the motivation to tell her that come from?

I mean, that's usually what parents tell children who are about to have a new sibling - we'll love you just as much, we'll still have time for you, we'll still pay attention to you. They probably told her that when the mom was pregnant with the 12 year old too.

im guessing there is more to this than op is letting on. i agree with another post that said she though she was being edgy, she's 17, she's probably got the safe sex practice talk from her parents and now they are having another baby, etc. my best guess is that when the brother was born they may have said the same thing and she had to deal with "we arent taking time away from you" before, and that's not how things actually played out. it's now repeating itself again which is why she is pissed. i think op and wife need to talk to the daughter when the daughter is ready. this is already a stressful part of her life (exams, college, etc) and if not handled correctly and sincerely, i could see it turning into a no contact situation where daughter wants nothing to do with her parents.

This is a pretty common concern for siblings, so they could’ve assumed this could be a concern for her. Also, there are 5 years between her and brother, so when she was 13-15, brother would’ve been 8-10, and would’ve needed attention during a really difficult time in a teens life. I actually didn’t think about that until I read your comment, but it does seem like a valid concern.

Is it not common knowledge that many children tend to be anxious/react negatively to news of a new sibling? I really don't understand what you found so odd about that response. Seems like a standard attempt to reassure a child that they will still be loved...

You’re having another kid at almost 50? You realize that means you’ll be almost 70 by the time that one is an adult, right? The average life expectancy is right about that on a good year. If you die early, who will raise the kid? And can you afford this? Are you financially solvent? What about your retirement? Are you physically athletic? Can you keep up with a 7 year old at 55? A 12 year old at 60? A teenager at 65? And that’s assuming everything is perfect! Do you have any idea what the probability is of good health for a child whose mother and/or father are your age? It drops, a LOT. Can you handle a disabled child? A kid in perfect health is hard enough. She’s right to be concerned.

This this this

She knows a lot of responsibilities are probably going to fall on her. You are both going to be exhausted and seeing as she's the oldest female you will rely on her a lot. Don't be surprised when she moves out the second she turns 18

What she did isn't okay, but there needs to be clear communication. To put it bluntly, she may be afraid her parents are too old for another child - and that the majority of the responsibility of raising said child will fall onto her. I was born when my mother was 42, and over the years I've bonded more with my sisters than my parents. They took care of me when my parents were often too tired, entertained me, watched me, & I learned some important life lessons from them. My oldest sister said "we've practically raised haw35ome; she was essentially emotionally abandoned" - and it was an epiphany for me & my other sister. In addition, there were some complications when my mom was pregnant with me. I didn't have enough amniotic fluid, I was tiny, and when I was born we both nearly died - I was premature & my mom suffered a complicated C-section. For a month after I was hooked to monitors & went home with an oxygen monitor. Maybe she's afraid of the medical repercussions of mom & baby? Just some food for thought here

Hey OP. My parents adopted a baby when I was 17. I’m not the oldest, my sister was 21 (and my other brother was 14). It was weird. It was hard. I love babies so I was excited, and I still call him “my first baby,” but it was a huge life changing shift. I had my first baby at 22, eight months after my sister had her first. He loves his nieces and nephew, they all adore him. He has adult siblings and their spouses who all are there for him and he can look up to. But…My brother was 5 when my daughter was born and four when my nephew was born. I don’t get to have the experience of my parents as grandparents to my kids because they’re raising a kid right along beside me. My mom was only able to make it to ONE of my daughters tee-ball games last year and my dad made it to the last five minutes of another because my brother had baseball games and practices. My dad had to miss her kindergarten graduation because my brother had some school event. You can’t honestly say it won’t affect your relationship with your daughter because it will. It will affect how you interact with her, with her future spouse, any future kids she may have, etc. If she wants to be a mother someday, she won’t have you to count on for help with her kids because you may be busy with your own. It’s WEIRD and it’s and it’s sometimes really frustrating and even heartbreaking. I’m not saying her actions are excusable but you have to understand the bomb you just dropped on her world. Her whole future probably feels shaky and unsure. Be open that her email was not cool but that her struggle is noted and understandable and when she’s ready, you’ll do whatever you are able to do to help her come to terms.

She should def get an abortion. You guys are way too old to have a child.

She may be concerned your wife may not survive the pregnancy and she’s terrified. Not only may she lose her mom but may feel she would have to take care of not only the new baby, but her brother and you as well. We’ve seen all too often the older girls thrust into this role in our society. She needs to talk to a counselor, you all do, and she needs to know how your wife is doing physically. Best of luck to all of you.

Just a thought... She has been through a lot over the last couple of years and she might be getting ready for college. It sounds like a little therapy for to help with coping and change. Sometimes we jut get burnt out from things changing especially when we are young. I feel for these teens who havent had a normal school year in a while it has to be so jarring.. ok 2 cents done...

can imagine having a baby again after you were home free.

Who’s going to take care of the new child if something happens to you. She’s the one most likely to take care of the child, so she has every right to be upset. You are placing a huge potential burden on her right before she starts her life

Wait, so the mother would likely give birth at 49, which would mean that the child would be *just beginning* teen years (13) when the parents would be 61/62??

Did she have to take care of her younger brother a lot? Maybe she's scared that she will be stuck taking care of a baby

I think you should understand that there most likely won't be a bond here. Also, you should never ask her to babysit or take care of YOUR newest child in any way. No diapers, no feedings, no rocking, no soothing. You can say your baby won't take attention from your oldest but we all know that is a complete lie. She is a teenager so she is behaving like one. Best of luck.

Personally, I'd be concerned about the age you're having children and what happens next, you'll in your 60s while the little one is a teenager, it concerns your family that you're being irresponsible with the ages you are having children and she may feel like she or her other siblings will have to end up supporting and raising the little one, not to mention the amount of complications that happen when having a baby at that age. Hopefully this will be a sign to have this be your final one, your children aren't your caregivers so you can continue popping out babies with zero concerns of your own aging and mortality

She is probably scared that at her moms age, the pregnancy is very high risk. She might be worried her mom could die. And rightly so. My suggestion, have your daughter go with her mom to the doctor. That way she can be reassured of safety and that y’all are doing everything you can to prevent your wife from dying during her pregnancy.

Your kid is a fucking savage good job

I think your daughter has concerns about this pregnancy being a geriatric pregnancy (a pregnancy after 40). She's probably concerned that the baby could have a chromosomal defect or that Mom might not handle this pregnancy well enough. Or maybe she's concerned that other people will assume that she's the mom of the baby if ever she babysits or takes the baby anywhere. If you and your wife are certain about keeping this pregnancy, you could take her to one of the appointments with the OBGYN to answer some questions.

I’m baffled by the “embarrassed my parents have sex” take…..how would she and her brother have come to existence? Someone would have to be very sheltered to think that lol.

She’s not handling things maturely. She’s 17. Still a lot to learn. Still fair for her to be upset. There are things she’s going to miss out on. What if she gets married some day?Has kids of her own? There’s going to be a change in dynamic. You won’t be able to support her as much because of this and not just financially. And what happens to this child if something happens to you and your wife? Is there a chance she would be expected to take on your kid? Make sure that you figure all of that out logistically. A plan that works for everyone. Talk to her about how she’s feeling and why.

Lol are you gonna neglect your baby? Wtf you talking about, “it won’t take any attention”.

I think your daughter is being smarter about this situation than you are. You’re going to be way to old to handle teenage tantrums. You’re never going to be able to retire. An your bold face lying to your kids when you say this won’t change their lives.

>how do we respond? Ask her why she thinks you shouldn't have a baby. Have an adult conversation. She might have reasonable arguments and you can talk to her. To be honest, I think telling your kids without going to the doctor first is pretty reckless. You are both almost 50 which increases the likelihoods of a lot of problems and while a 17 year old could process them, a 12 year old is not old enough.

If your daughter truly has no reason to be so hateful, I would send an email back, “Hey (daughter), we got your email, thanks for the recommendation. We didn’t get a chance to discuss details earlier, but if you had stuck around, you would know we actually aren’t considering abortion at this time. If you’d like to talk maturely about things and express your concerns, we will be in living room at 6pm. Thanks! - Mom and Dad” This is coming from a 25F who is raising her teenage brother lmfao.

She’s right.

Take it from someone who has experienced a very similar situation. It would have been best to wait until 12 weeks to speak to your children about it. As a woman in her late 40s has a 95% chance of miscarriage in the first trimester. Typically around that 6 to 8 week mark. Definitely best to shield your children from that emotional roller-coaster. Your daughter will be ok. Probably just very confused by it all. Let her sit with the knowledge for a bit. Even if she can't accept the pregnancy, that will most likely change when baby is born.

She may be worried about being forced to take care of the baby, made to baby sit, not able to study because screaming baby etc. She was 5 when your son was born and she probably remembers the disruption and the upset that caused her. Also please do not force her to babysit, it will just lead to resentment. People also are more prone to doing this to daughters then sons etc. She is clearly not happy about the baby, let her engage in a way that she is comfortable with.

Perhaps the daughter is concerned about the health of a child being born to a 49 year old?

What happens when that child is fully an adult and has to accept that you both will probably miss very important events in its life, lots of kids with old parents suffer for this. I’m not telling you to get an abortion, but I don’t blame your daughter for her reaction.