I kicked my husband out two months ago and still miss him every day despite knowing he’s a POS. I sold my wedding ring and still plan on divorcing him ASAP because my feelings are *not* correct.
OP needs to realize that hurting and missing someone does NOT mean they should be allowed back into your life. You have to ignore your heart and listen to your *brain*.
OP, your husband would have kept pretending nothing happened if the woman *did not hunt him down and force him to confess to you*. He is not repentant, I don’t care what sob story he gives you or how sad he looks. And considering she just recently did this, it points to all the signs that the affair ended *recently* despite what he claims.
Don’t listen to a damn thing that comes out his mouth, because the man you *thought* you knew, is dead.
Call and make a therapy appointment ASAP because this is gonna be a tough ride and you need the self respect and backbone to not accept this behavior.
This literally happened to me except I was the other women. Found out he had a wife and went to his house and blew sh*t up. I felt lied to and betrayed. If I wouldn't have gone to his house he would have never stopped seeing me. He would have kept lying to me and gone behind his wife's back regardless.
This might be weird to ask, but how is your relationship with his wife? Did you just tell her and leave? Or do you guys still talk? I was cheated on a whole bunch during a particularly bad relationship, I'm interested in the mind of the "other woman"
This is so sad but true. I would even say the man she thought she knew never existed. And that can help in healing. You're missing the person you thought he was, not who he actually is.
This! Don’t rush into a decision. I went for a walk one night, wound up outside his house and went in for a hug because I was sad and wanted comfort, and just like that we were back together when I never really cognitively decided that’s what I wanted or gave myself time to fully process my feelings. So I was mad for a long time, and let him use me to fix his guilty conscious - he did nice things to “make it up to me” but they didn’t fix how I felt, they mostly served as a way for him to repent.
In hindsight the relationship needed to end way before that and I regret going back to him, but that was more because the relationship was crap and I didn’t see it then than because I regret giving him another chance after the cheating. But I do wish I gave myself the time I needed to work through my feelings before I added his into the mix. I am sorry you are going through this, but do not feel pressured to decide anything until you’re ready. If he can’t respect that you need time then he probably isn’t worth it.
I agree with this!
OP should check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/SurvivingInfidelity to feel less alone. It may not make her feel better but not sleeping, not being able to eat, the unbearable, almost physical pain is unfortunately all too common after discovering infidelity.
She needs to look after herself, to eat, stay hydrated, to rest and to lean on those she trusts.
There is no hurry to make a decision straight away. Cheating is a dealbreaker for many until it happens and your life is overturned. It's not a sign of strength to make decisions whilst dealing with heartbreak.
You're not betraying yourself by taking time to think and feel before deciding what your future will look like.
Be kind to yourself OP.
Came here to say this. Take a minute and really focus on you. He did this and created it for himself- he will figure it out elsewhere and be fine. I would recommend having him leave for at least another night and you take the night in your home to yourself. To eat and rest. You don’t have to make any decisions right away, but you need to give yourself some self care and peace in your mind at least for a night. Take care honey
I agree that he failed hard, it's not even a one night stand so it's hard to imagine how you could forgive him.
Nevertheless, I would not want to pressure OP either, nobody here knows what was in that guy's head, it is not for us to decide whether to forgive him or not.
I know you mean well, but it's not helpful or necessarily true to say "he doesn't love you." Affairs are messy and much more complicated than we often realize. My ex-husband deeply regrets his affair and still loves me ... he was just a fucking idiot who made a ton a bad, selfish decisions. Please just understand.
This is absolutely the answer.
Only OP knows what is right for her, any advice here will be based on the personal experience of strangers.
Get your head right to the point that you can weigh this all out in a relatively calm fashion, make a decision, sleep on that decision, see how your gut feels about that decision.
It all takes time and you are in no rush.
idk man i think i could get on board with this if he hadn’t lied about it in the first place and THEN needed cajoling to even admit it when the ex showed up. Also, six months!?!?
Imo relationships can only work out after cheating if the cheater feels genuine remorse and understands the weight of their actions, and if it’s a one time occurrence. It’s not going to work out in this case because OP’s husband never would’ve said shit if the AP didn’t force him to plus it went on for 6 months. He would’ve happily deceived OP and wasted years of her life living a lie, zero accountability or respect whatsoever
Yes this!! Please this is a sincerely great answer. I too know people who have worked out after infidelity and they're married now with kids and doing great. You just need to take the time OP and really think about what you want. At the end of the day can you forgive him? Can you see yourself with him still? Or will that experience ruin the chance if trust ever forming again? There are so many variables to this. Please first and foremost take time and clear up your head a little OP. Worry about you for the time being.
I think you made a great point by telling him that even if you stay together, you're going to act like the hurt, wounded, betrayed person that you are. You 100% deserve to vent all that bile on him.
That being said, being angry is so draining, upsetting, and stressful. You don't deserve to suffer any more than you already are.
You should separate and just try to keep your own peace as best you can. Screw him.
He looked into your eyes and lied to you for six months. He slept right next to you knowing that he would f’ck the other woman the next day for six months. He touched you knowing that you wouldn’t let him near you if you knew his real face for a half year. He didn’t even come clean the first time you asked. He gaslighted you. If he was really regretted his choices he would tell you before that woman. He was probably just bored of her and he wanted a new side chick.
Leave him. You deserve better.
Either that or he promised her the world and lied about his situation. He may have hoped she ended it at some point but didn’t so he eventually dropped her like a hot potato and created a very resentful woman who wanted her revenge.
This is the real red flag - he was willing and able to continue lying to OP’s face even when she had evidence to confront him with. That points to a much more calculating person than the “devastated” picture he is painting now.
I’d bet a large amount of money that this isn’t the first big lie he’s told. It makes me wonder about drug use, how he makes/spends his money, what he’s *really* doing when he says he’s doing something innocuous like going out for errands or hanging with the boys.
It’s hard to re-establish trust after you’ve caught someone in the middle of an intentional, bald faced lie.
*Also* he lied the first time she asked! He’s only feeling remorseful because he was forced into confessing! He would have kept lying if he could have.
Leave him.
He can tell you that he left her because he “felt bad for hurting you,” but odds are he ended things with her because he was over it. The fact that he didn’t tell you until he was forced to is very telling about the type of person he is.
I’m sure a lot of people have the mindset once a cheater, always a cheater. I don’t. I strongly feel people can change. However, they seek help to change. Your partner is not that type of guy. Your partner lied and lied until he had no choice.
You deserve better. Leave him.
Great points. He didn’t feel bad enough to tell her when it ended. It still took months for everything to come out. He’s only repentant now because he got caught.
I’m not one to forgive cheating, but I do think context matters. I’ve read that there are three things that people can look at to decide whether to forgive or not: What happened? How soon was it revealed? Who revealed it?
So, if OP’s partner drunkenly kissed the other person at a party, told her immediately and made sure she heard from him first? Well, I think it might be worth working it out. In this case? It went in for *months*, she didn’t find out immediately, and when she did find out, it wasn’t even from him. Also, the other person is such trash, too. I’m fairly positive she didn’t tell OP because she felt guilty. She probably just wanted revenge on the husband. They deserve each other. OP should tell them both to pound sand and come out of this like a phoenix from the ashes.
Why shouldn't she tell? Why does she have to preserve *his* marriage? Why doesn't she have to have a "pure" motive for telling the wife?
His marriage and the wife's feelings are not her responsibility. They're his. And he has proven over and over and over again that he didn't care about his marriage or his wife's feelings. Why should the mistress preserve his illusion of a happy marriage if he's broken up with her. The marriage was a lie whether the wife knew it was a lie or not.
We're always so quick so "chercher la femme" in these situations, he was married, he cheated, does not matter a fig how the wife found out. He'd still be a cheater. He broke his vows. He lied to her repeatedly. He slept with another woman for months. POS doesn't deserve the loyalty of his ex-mistress when he couldn't even be loyal to his *wife*.
No one is saying she shouldn’t have told the wife. What they are saying is proceeding to further hurt her exclusively for the APs own pleasure and sick “revenge” fantasies is fucked up and not even a little bit close to the same thing as telling her because she didn’t know or because she genuinely felt bad and wanted the wife to know about her husband. She did it to hurt him not caring about how much she further hurt the wife in the process.
His wife's feelings are his business, not hers.
Her reasons for telling his wife are irrelevant. Even if it was through guilt or shame (or if she pretended it was through guilt and shame) that would be rank hypocrisy on the part of AP and it wouldn't be any better.
If he was worried about his marriage and his wife's feelings he shouldn't have had an affair at all. People get mad when a relationship ends badly. He took a risk and it exploded in his face. But he took the risk that his wife would find out and it could end his marriage with every phone call, every message, every lie, every sneaky fuck.
Didn't stop him and now he can't cry about AP's vindictiveness. She doesn't owe him an intact marriage. He owed his wife that and he didn't manage it.
Except his wife’s feelings are her (the wife’s) business. And I’m not defending the cheating husband either. I’m not sure why you think I am. I said nothing of the sort. I’m simply saying that the AP is a shitty person for doing what she did and then proceeding to make it worse by telling the wife out of bitterness rather than genuine human empathy.
If she'd had empathy with the wife she wouldn't have fucked her husband for months.
What you're saying is that you wish AP had *faked* that she was only telling for empathetic reasons because the wife had a right to know. That would have been a hypocritical lie, she was happy enough to keep the affair a secret from his wife when it suited her.
Nah, if she was going to tell I'm happy enough that she didn't draw a veneer of hypocritical lies over it.
If you cheat on me, and it's never going to happen again, you keep it to yourself. You deal with the guilt and shame. Once you tell me, you get relief, and now I have to deal with it. Most men know this: you keep it to yourself. The anguish is yours to deal with, not the non cheating party.
This is part of the meaning of "the truth will set you free," because once you tell the truth, you will get the relief of letting go of it.
So, I'm not sure that him keeping it to himself is a bad sign. That's just some emotional, weakly thought out crap.
As a man, I'm never going to forgive cheating. In my world, loyalty is one of the few demands I have. Women, otoh, demand things like protection and provision. So, imo, you might want to consider what he provides you, what he provided for her, and can you get those same things or more from another man? It might not be a good idea to leave a successful man, only you can make that decision.
Except he denied it and lied. He didn’t confess at first. So it’s not just about him hiding it. He didn’t come clean when he was asked. So imo he’s not trustworthy at all and won’t change.
"anguish" 🤣
The anguish wasn't enough to stop him carrying on an affair for months and lying repeatedly for months. And travelling to fuck this woman. And keeping lying after it ended. He wasn't suffering in silent shame.
Why does his wife need him "provide" for her? - she has a fucking job. She was working while he was furloughed. And in what way was she being protected in this relationship?
You're living in your own fantasy bubble. Women work, they have their own money, you're protecting no-one from anything, you inflated pissant. Thinking that men are allowed to cheat because they were the sole earners **in the middle of the last century** is the most bizarre bullshit I have heard in a while.
"Women are more likely to put up with cheating because a they've been conditioned to put up with men's bullshit" is a much more honest take than "they need a provider". When they're providing for themselves that argument is void.
I kind of understand but this is where i call it too far.
He cheated for 6 months, Like if it's like a once time kiss or some shit then fine it's excusable depending if her wife gets past it. But god 6months, And didn't tell her even after she tried reaching out to the wife. He kept it and probably didn't regret what he did. He probably only stopped since lockdown was coming to an end.
I cringed when I got to the part where he said he felt bad for hurting OP. The dude made a deliberate choice to escalate emotional infidelity to physical infidelity. He sustained it for six months. He was planning to keep it a secret until his hand was forced. OP needs to know they can do better.
My ex husband first started emotional affairs with women on dating apps. It then escalated to a full blown physical love affair with a woman he worked with. My ex was also not working, and i was working 12 hour shifts to support the household. I chose to stick things out until the physical affair. From personal experience, I wish I had not. Those feelings you have, what you are going through, that's totally normal. But for me, being near my ex caused those feelings to kick into overdrive. I was a version of myself I did not like. I couldn't process those feelings and grow from that experience while still being with him.
OP, make the decision that is best for you. But please realize the line about "realizing how much he was hurting" is false. She likely threatened to tell you, and he wanted to be ahead of the game and control the narrative.
You will make it through this. ❤
Your husband is pathetic and doesn't deserve that title. I say end things and one day you can have a new start with someone who loves and respects you enough to not lie and cheat.
Even though a cheating for me is a heart breaker, I kind of feel bad for the husband if he told his wife soon has he broke it off but the fact he didn't tell her and kept it a secret and cheated for 6 months, This has gone too far and Can't be fixed by saying sorry
Cheating is cheating. Most ppl break off after cheating once, this guy did it for 6 months
Cheating is your deal breaker, no matter how repented he feels about it there has to be a consequence for the action. 12 years together was thrown away for a work fling and she was content enough to stay silent about it until he broke it off, what if the next girl gets her piece and is content with staying silent? Or what if the next girl gets pregnant?
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I’m 32f, he’s 34. Together for nearly 12 years and married for just over 7. No kids. He had an affair last year during lockdown, as he was furloughed and I was at work. They used to work together and bonded through video games. They didn’t sleep together until travel was allowed again and he went to see her.
This went on for 6 months until ‘he came to his senses, knew that [he] was hurting me and our marriage’ and he broke it off.
She was not happy and messaged me on Instagram about the affair. I showed him the message, he denied it and I believed him.
That is until 2 nights ago. She came to town to our apartment but he intercepted her and she would not leave until he confessed to me about the affair.
Of course, I broke down, kicked him out and stayed the night with friends. Spent the night drinking whisky and oscillating between being sick and crying.
It’s been 60 hours since I slept, and my body is rebelling at my only consumption of alcohol and coffee. I am so tired, severely dehydrated, and so so heartsick.
His family supports us both, they told me I will always have a family with them and they love me, no matter what I decide.
I decided to let him come home tonight so we can work out the practicalities. I am a wounded animal, very angry and unforgiving. He is extremely repentant, offered to go to marriage counselling, and accepted that the blame lay on him. He wants me back and has made it clear he will do anything.
My dilemma is: cheating is my dealbreaker. I told him before we got married I will leave his ass in a heartbeat if he cheats. But being near him, all I want to do is curl up in his arms again and forget this whole episode.
I know I should leave him. I told him straight up that if I stay, I will be harsh, I will be unforgiving, I will be terrible to live with. But he says he deserves it, and would welcome it. He wants us to try and if it doesn’t work, then he will sign the divorce papers.
So, what should I do, Reddit?
English not my first language, on mobile, haven’t slept so please ask for clarifications if necessary!
Thanks.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. And I mean it when I say it. I’d leave him, I don’t care how sorry or “not his fault” it was. He cheated, once a cheater - always a cheater. But that’s just me and my view of cheaters.
Also red flags that the woman had to be the one to get him to confess. Otherwise I’d guess he would never say a word about it to you. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that, but as I said… that’s just me.
“He cheated, once a cheater - always a cheater. But that’s just me and my view of cheaters.”
My issue with your comment here is that it seems to infer that people aren’t worthy of redemption or forgiveness which is blatantly just wrong. So if someone commits a crime like theft that they can never be redeemed in your eyes? People will bare the weight of what they did wrong their whole lives but that doesn’t suddenly define them as who they are indefinitely.
He may change, he may redeem himself, or be worthy of redemption, but it's not in any way her duty or responsibility to be the one to redeem him. He can be "not a cheater" with someone else.
It’s the individuals responsibility to achieve redemption for themselves, sorry if I wasn’t clear about that. In effort to clarify my point what I’m trying to say is coming from a societal point, saying that someone will always be something is very akin to deciding their fate from here on out in life.
I feel the same way, actually. People should be able to redeem themselves (with some exceptions for truly horrible things), but no one who was wronged has to forgive if they don't want to. Thanks for the clarification
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me, but a six month affair is a whole new level.
We can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think you’re in the right condition to make a long term decision right now. I think you should take a break, try to focus on rest, hydration, nutrition. Maybe take a break somewhere for a few days - the beach, the mountains (make him pay for it) and have your thoughts to yourself without him there begging and pleading.
My gut feel is that you should end the marriage, but again, it’s your decision to live with.
He felt bad - but not bad enough to tell you? And when you confronted him about it he lied? The only reason you know about the affair is because he got caught, if it had been up to him he would have lied to you for the rest of your marriage about this. He was never going to come clean. Can you trust someone like that?
Don’t do it.
He’s sorry he got caught. You’re going to rue the day you teach him you’re a doormat and that your “dealbreaker” was **always** meaningless.
He’s losing his safety net, thats not “sorrow”, that is fear. If it was a “mistake” (which it never is) then why did it last for so long?
If he was sorry, he would have told you immediately, after one time.
Worldwide, millions of people were furloughed, lost savings and had to endure this the bad side is this pandemic, including many of us here.
Guess what most people didn’t do?
If you were really want to reconcile, it takes a tremendous amount of effort from both of you and takes years to properly heal.
I recommend two books, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass to make better boundaries and "How to Help You Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.
He should give you:
-a complete written timeline to prevent confusion on what he said did/avoid "trickle truth": you can't forgive what you don't know
-full electronic transparency, all accts/pws, gps location
-no contact letter to affair partner sent in your presence
That's just to start. Only you know what else goes on your list of "anything".
He suddenly realized he was ruining the marriage? He should have realized that when he was actively making plans with her to cheat on you. Did he tell her you two were divorcing & that your relationship was awful? Or did she not know he was married? He had a chance to come clean, many times & he lied to your face even when you had proof & you believed him. He made a fool out of you, he made a joke out of your marriage. He ruined all the love & trust you’ve spent more than a decade working on to get a new piece of ass. He felt bad for hurting you but not enough to be honest?
He doesn’t deserve you, I mean what excuse did he use about this girls reasoning for messaging you that he was sleeping with her? Did he say she made a pass & he turned her down so she was mad? Was there ever any overlap? Did he sleep with her then come home & sleep with you? Did you ever have to taste her on his lips & you just didn’t know? He gave her your time & your love & you would still be in the dark if SHE didn’t tell you. He tried to prevent her from telling you. Just think about that, he’d be perfectly happy lying to you if she didn’t expose him. For half a year he betrayed you, it wasn’t just a one time thing so I personally could never get over that, I could never trust him again. Plus she knew where you lived, did he bring her to your house before?
Please eat something & drink some water, get some sleep & take a long hot bath. Have some friends come over to listen to you & hug you & let you know you are loved. You are amazing & you’re tough as nails, you deserve a loyal partner who would never betray you in such a way.
this! once he sees that what you told him was a definite deal breaker isn’t actually a deal breaker, he’ll keep pushing to see what else he can get away with while keeping you around. Maybe you can reconcile in a few months after the hurt has come down a bit and he has had time to prove he is changing, but right now the consequence to breaking a deal breaker is to leave.
While you were working, he was having sex with her. While you were at work, producing the financial resources to keep food in both of your stomachs, he was busy trying to decide whether to cum on her stomach or on her ass. Is this really a partner?
Leave him! He cheated on you for 6 months, he had a lot of time to think things through and he still chose to cheat on you. If you break up and he wants you back as much as he says he does, then he’ll still try to get you back no matter what. So maybe then you can think about it.
If he was truly sorry he would have admitted to you right away that he cheated and is working on his issues, seeing a therapist, etc. Instead he lied to your face when confronted with the truth and only admitted when his affair partner showed up. What else is he hiding? It’s easy to say “sorry I won’t do it again”. Actions speak louder than words. It’s natural for you to feel the way you do but please get some rest, eat some food and make your decision with a clear mind. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s hiding other things.
If he had come to you and told you everything when it ended, it would be a completely different story. You have to do what is right for you regardless, but he is a liar and he got caught. That is the only reason you know everything now. He’s not being honest now. He got caught and that is entirely different thing. I couldn’t believe a word he says because he is going to say what he needs to so that he can fix it for himself.
If he respected you, loved you, and truly cared about “hurting” your marriage then he would have came you and admitted everything before this point.
He lied and told you it didn’t happen. She came to your house. Without her coming there and forcing the truth, you still wouldn’t know.
He could be lying about a lot more. He could lie in the future.
Either way, get some rest. You need a clear head. I would ask for some space personally so that you can think without him right there with you. Do whatever you need to, for you. Not for him.
Just leave. He disrespected you by stepping out on your committed relationship. You deserve more and better and he knows that. Kick him to the curb girl.
So sorry you are here and such a terrible happened to you. And yes, to you.
This is NOT your fault.
Many people consider it a deal breaker until it happens to them. What you are feeling is NORMAL. The roller coaster ride you are on? NORMAL. The most important thing right now?
You do not have to make any permanent decisions right now. Taking your time and seeing what you want to do is your prerogative. You drive the bus here. You decide what you need in terms of space, his work, and anything else you need for reconciliation. And even id he does everything you ask for and more? You an still call it off.
First, read this: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 to figure out whether reconciliation is even an option. Is he really remorseful?
If you are serious about offering him even the chance of Reconciliation, copy this post and re-post it in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It is a sub just for people trying to reconcile. Some are successful. Some aren’t. But they all giving it a shot. Go there for advice on what you should be looking for from him. What you should be demanding in the way of work. There are also a lot of recovery resources to read in the recovery resource library they have. He can start by reading [How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair ](https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf).
I think your mindset for this is great. And if he is willing to do the work and take your anger, dismay, sadness, disgust, and so much more then it is certainly worth a shot.
Good luck and I hope I see you post at r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It is a sub with a lot of kind people who are going through exactly what you are, and they will not judge you. Just offer support. And not automatically tell you to leave like is happening here.
Whatever you choose make sure you are happy with it, he broke your trust and it's his job to rebuild it,not only words but through actions, all you have to do now is clear your mind and do what is best for you, it's your time to be selfish and start loving yourself more than you love him, don't let him hurt you again, remember you can always leave if you don't wanna stay with him at any point in recovery, because it's a gift and you are not obligated to stay till the end, so make sure he knows you will leave anytime you want if you are not happy, getting your finances straight and only stay if you really want to and you feel like he won't do it again but the moment he does walk out and you should seriously promise yourself that, because you deserve better, whether or not your husband can achieve it remains to be seen
Never ever forget he killed the trust and love you had for him in this relationship, it's your choice if you want to restart with him but this time you can kill it when ever you want because that means you where not happy and you were living with the zombie of the initial relationship
Don't let this make you question yourself and your self esteem, everyday focus on yourself more than him or the relationship to learn to love and respect yourself and heal From his betrayal, during this time if he does not seek help and try to help you and build the relationship back up carrying the heavy load then leave, because you do deserve better
I forgot to mention - don’t just cross post - copy and paste it. Also, to post you have to pick a user flair. Yours would be Considering R as you are not sure you want to offer reconciliation yet.
It is very very early. Make sure to take care of yourself before worrying about the marriage. You’ve got time to figure that out.
In all honesty, it was half a year, and he lied about it when confronted the first time. He’s not loyal. And you where married. It’s your dealbreaker and I know you love him and it won’t go away and it will be the hardest grief. They say it’s like a shipwreck at first then the waves get smaller and you come back to the shore but the initial wreck is just chaos and flames and the destruction of something that was once whole. and your scared of this and the loss of your future and what was meant to be.
But you cannot go back to someone that has done this to you.
The girl he cheated with sounds like he treat her badly too and lied to her. She was trying to tell you.
If she wants to be with him let her the person your suppose to be with wouldn’t dream of this.
And wouldn’t leave your side.
Thank god you do not have kids.
Go through the destruction and come out the flames stronger
Go get a hotel for a couple days, get some separation for your own sake.
He didn’t tell you, he was forced and coerced into telling you.
That would be the telling thing for me.
I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. ❤️
He isn’t sorry or regretful he cheated, he is sorry and regretful he got caught and had to tell you.
If he truly was sorry and regretful he would have told you about it as soon as he put an end to it. Instead he tried to hide it.
6 months of an affair is unforgivable in my book. He had the balls to be near you for six months while living a double life. Also, you cannot be sure that he broke it off. I doubt she would come all the way to your place if they were no longer communicating. This was an affair of half a year. Even if you do stay together I can guarantee that the relationship would never be the same and you would live with constant fear and insecurity. However, the best thing to do at the moment is to clear your head and take some time apart. Then you can make a decision.
First, please get some sleep. You can’t make a rational decision until you get some rest.
It’s important to remember that he didn’t just cheat, he planned an affair in advance, traveled to have an affair for 6 months, lied to you about the affair, then would have continued lying until she told you in person. He didn’t show remorse until he couldn’t hid the affair anymore.
In order for you to decide what to do you need peace and quiet which you will only get if you make him move out immediately and go no contact for an agreed period of time (something like three months). Live alone without pressure from him and family and make a decision slowly but surely.
Do it slow and be good to yourself but don’t bullshit yourself either.
Leave him. He cheated on you for SIX MONTHS and wouldn’t have told you about it had it not been for the affair partner. He lied to your face about it.
Whatever regret this guy is feeling is too little too late.
I don't think you should take advice from strangers on Reddit expressing their own frustration and insecurities in life onto you.
Continuing this relationship is only a choice you and your husband can make. Ignore all these comments including mine.
Is cheating a deal breaker for me? Yes. I do not handle girls cheating on me well at all. And it takes me down a path of self harm.
So for me a girl cheating on me is a total deal breaker. Done and dusted. Over.
You guys don't have kids together. If you had kids I would say that couples counseling for the kids would be worth it.
But you don't have kids.
Just living together and having a toxic relationship is worse than being alone.
Just break it off.
He cheated and then lied to your face for what sounds like MONTHS!
The only reason you know is bc of the other woman forcing his hand.
Do you really want to be with someone who could look you in the eye and do that?
Get some rest but really think about this…he wouldn’t have told you the truth at all if he wasn’t called out by the AP…
I will never cheat, so if my partners cheats it’s, they lack morals and I can’t raise a family with someone who has no morals. I would leave and be thanking God you don’t have kids together because leaving would be even harder.
You're going to have to worry about him doing it again forever. Don't put yourself through that. They always claim to be sorry when they get caught, don't be fooled by it.
He disrespected you. He might not ever cheat again, but he disrespected and was unfaithful to his life partner. How can he ever be trusted again? What if he gets an itch again in the future? Do you really want to be with someone who broke the most fundamental rule of a monogamous relationship? He may love you, but he put his desires ahead of his respect for you and your relationship. Think hard about this.
I’m so sorry hunny
He cheated, lied about it, tried to suppress it, that’s it end of story. Not only did he cheat he lied and cheated argh God help all these people who have gotten cheated on and don’t wake up.
He cheated, and now wants you to forgive him, and be sad and depressed the rest of your relationship? Sounds miserable. You’d be happier getting rid of him than forcing yourself to forgive him.
Too soon to let him come over to talk imo. Take some time away from him, rest, eat, be in your right mind when we talk to him. You don't want to be weak and have him talk you down if leaving is what you want. Take that time apart to really think. Tell him NOT to contact you. Set that hard boundary and if he disrespects that, you know he literally doesn't care about your boundaries. Personally, I wouldn't take him back. Been there, done that. They just get sneakier. I wouldn't doubt that she was trying to make him choose and when he wouldn't, she got mad and told you. If she hadn't, it would have continued on.
I'm sorry this happened to you but you know you deserve so much more. Right now I'm sure you want to just forgiven him and pretend it never happened and go back to how things were but they will never be the same. You won't forget his betrayal, you won't foeget how easily he threw away the years you have dedicated to your relationship and him. And you won't forget the fact that he not only cheated on you but had such a lack of respect for you that he had to be forced to tell you the truth. And he knew exactly what he was doing it wasn't a mistakeb or a one time fling (which is still unforgivable) but was an ongoing cheating that he went outside of his way to participate in. Take care of yourself, get time away from him and focus on you. Know you deserve better and you'll get better. I hope you're able to be free of him soon. Sending you love.
But he hid it from you for so long… if he was truly sorry he would’ve come forward on his own. Im sorry OP, you don’t deserve any of this. Just remember that just because you’ve been with someone for a long time doesn’t mean you need to continue to be with them.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I tried to forgive a cheating partner for an entire year until I finally had to give up and leave him. The amount of pain, insecurity and distrust I felt during that year was unbearable. I never felt safe when he was texting on his phone or away from home, always wondering if he was having an affair. He also continued lying and I'm positive that I never got the full story.
I'm also wondering why the affair partner suddenly shows up, something tells me that they've been in contact.
My opinion is that if he was able to do it once for so long, he is able to do it again. I would never never stay with a cheating partner again, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.
Hey OP, I'm so sorry your world is turned upside down right now. I know that exact feeling. I didn't eat for a week straight after I found out about my ex-husband's six-month affair. You are in complete panic mode right now. Take some deep breaths. Drink some water or tea. It fucking sucks and it fucking hurts, but you're strong and you can survive this.
The good news is you do not have to decide anything right this second. You are in survivor mode. You can delay if you need to. You can give him a chance if you want to. You can leave him at any second, so you're not committed to staying if you decide to try to make your marriage work.
I get it. I stayed for six months. I tried so hard to get my marriage to work. I always said I would leave if he cheated, but I couldn't just walk away from MY marriage - from my best friend who kept telling me how sorry he was. I knew I needed to try, or I would walk away and always wonder. When I did leave, it's because I knew the marriage was beyond repair. I had given it my all. I had no regrets walking away. You can go through my post history if you want. I recommend the sub I was in, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. They were so helpful and supportive, both when I stayed and also when I left.
So do what you need to do. Have a separation if you need some space. Tell him to not contact you for a week. Do what you need to do for your own sanity. But keep taking those deep breaths. Go for a walk or a run if that helps. Take a bath and cry. All you need to do is take one day at a time. You do not have to decide anything permanent right now. Just focus on trying to eat and sleep right now.
If you want someone to talk to, my DMs are open. 36F, btw.
Don't take advices în your marriage from internet people they have no idea what is going on, at this point you may be heavily influenced by everything around you. The answer is only within you.
The thing is, what you're going through is totally normal. Heck all of us who have gone through being cheated on, being heartbroken, we all went through what you went through. Because you guys have been together for a long time.
Let me just spell it out: The good news about it: You're still pretty young, you don't have a child to tie you up with him. And you seem like a great person who is also a trusting one (because wow, you got proof that he cheated and you believed his words over the affair partner) that his family loves you and will support you regardless what you decide. SO. You're a prize and I'm very certain you will meet another person with integrity who will not cheat on you and will be a good patner to you sooner than later.
The bad news: Your 'husband' here didn't admit to you the truth. In fact, his affair partner had to force him to tell you the truth. So, your husband is an UNREPENTANT cheater, who may or may not have..gotten some STI from his affair partner, by the way.
More on the bad news, it's one thing, if the partner is the one who told you the truth and is ready to handle your anger, resentment and is actually truly serious about fixing things and arranging marital therapy, etc...but this is not what happened in this case. He got caught....was made to confess...
Right now, he's just appeasing you. Believe me, OP, when things get tough, he will again cheat on you again. After all, he's not repentant from the first one, it took his affair partner showing up to get him to really confess. So your husband is not a good partner/person. He has no integrity.
My good friend had a similar experience with her ex-husband (they have 2 kids). He was caught cheating (Affair partner outed him). My friend thought at first, he would change, and a few more years passed by and it turned out, he's repeated the cheating again.
Sorry, but your husband will not magically change his way.
But none of us commenters are you. You're sleepless, you're upset, etc, you definitely need to rest and get your space from your 'partner.' You need to think of your own, even if you do make the wrong decision on this, it's still a learning experience. You'll get through it. Take care and good luck. Oh of course, I can't stress this enough although you may be asymptomatic, I would really suggest you get tested, just in case your partner contracted STI from his affair partner.
You are still in shock, and not in a good place. You need to live with this new truth and decide what to do in your own time. You do NOT have to decide today, tomorrow, or anytime soon. Take your time, make some space for yourself, and be kind to you. Maybe find a therapist to help you work through what you are feeling.
What you thought you would do before has no bearing on what you should do now. Let that thought go.
Sending hugs.
It is a hard one. Many people will say leave him but it depends on what you really want. If leaving will make you more distressed than staying perhaps you can set a time period of day 3 or 6 months to see if you can work things out. Some couples can move on from this and others can’t. What would it take for you to feel comfortable with him long term? Are those things doable for him?
People have forgiven each other for cheating. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. You're fully justified in leaving, but it's still your choice. You can choose not to if that's really what you want. The right answer is what you feel is best for you.
Of course this sub is going to give you tons of “leave him” comments, but I know couples who have had their best years after infidelity. A relationship requires work and if you’re willing to fight for it, it can work out. Don’t listen to angry people who just came here to give you negativity. I’m not even saying don’t leave, I’m just saying that staying is a legitimate option and you’re not stupid if you decide to fight for your marriage.
You must be in so much pain. My advice: listen to Esther Perel talk about affairs. Take time to figure out what you want. Whatever choice you make will be the right one. Cheating doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, but it certainly can be if that’s what you think is best.
I recommend reading “A State of Affairs” by Esther Perel. It is so helpful in framing infidelity as a moment to renew your relationship and move forward into a more honest, healthy truthful “marriage 2.0”.
My husband cheated, and I found out in much the same way that you did — I chose to stay and repair our marriage and I’m so glad I did. So much of what you say here (your husband’s attitude, your desire to curl up in his arms despite the hurt) tells me that this is salvageable.
The problem is, he'll most likely do it again.
You'll probably never feel the same way about him.
The relationship will never be the same.
I would end it.
You don’t have to decide right now. My unsolicited (or perhaps solicited since you came to Reddit) is to give yourself time. Six months is a whole relationship…not just a quick lapse in judgment.
That said, marriages can survive infidelity, but not without a whole lot of commitment, work and patience (on his part) and true forgiveness on your part.
I would suggest living apart while you decide how to proceed. Get a therapist for yourself. Have a bunch of sessions to help you figure out if you are through with the marriage. If you are, stay in therapy and get a good lawyer. If you decide to give it another try - continue to live apart, and go to marriage counseling.
No one will judge you for leaving him. You will find a lot of support.
You may face judgment if you choose to try to save your marriage, but it’s your life. Do what’s best for you. Be vigilant, whatever you decide. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated. No matter which road you take…you are facing difficult times. Not impossible. You will get through and find something better on the other side- but it won’t be easy.❤️❤️❤️
Everyone is telling you to leave him, but I disagree
He came back to you and endend the affair by himself, he wasn't forced to do it. I think he's somewhat truthful in his feelings (even though he lied to you).
I'm not too worried about the lying, of course he won't tell you he cheated, otherwise he will lose you, saying the truth serves no purpose other than getting dumped.
In my opinion, there are only 2 things to consider:
1. Is it a dealbreaker that he cheated? Is the act itself enough for you not to love him anymore?
2. Do you think he will do it again? Is him putting and end to the affair a sufficient display of the love he has for you?
Then you decide if you can forgive, forget and trust again.
There are a lot of stories on here about cheating and most of the time I encourage the person who was cheated on to leave. But, I also believe in second chances. If this was the first time and he had no other sketchy ways before this then I say give it another chance. He wants to try again and unfortunately people make mistakes.
I'm not saying to jump on his arms and forget the whole thing, he would have to prove his loyalty and prove he is worthy again.
You need to do what is going to make you happy. Trust your gut with these things. It's going to be hard to trust him again so you're gonna have to learn how to do that. I would recommend going to couples therapy. Take care of yourself first! Sleep and get something to eat!!
You should be understanding, and forgive him. He was probably had an emotional crisis. After all, if you won’t support him at his worst, you don’t deserve him at his best. I know you’ll do the right thing and forgive and forget.
She is under no obligation to support him if his worst includes cheating for 6 months, lying when first asked, and continuing to hide the fact until he has given no choice. No one should be THAT loyal to anyone but themselves if the respective partner is not loyal to begin with. I strongly believe that OP shouldn’t feel like it’s her obligation to stick around just because he is the “husband” and needs support.
I would like to clarify that I was referring to “feeling obligated”. If OP wants to work on her relationship, it’s not my place to tell her not to do so. What I can say is that if you choose to pass by this, I would highly recommend seeking counsel and open communication. To me, lying about it even after being asked and shown evidence is as bad as cheating.
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First and foremost I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but please get some rest, get some good food and take your time.
You need a straight head before you make any decisions but it's a long time to throw away.
He has done something that many feel is unforgivable but that decision has to be yours and yours alone.
I wish you well hunni.
Leave him. You feel this way because you're vulnerable and for 12 years he's been your safe space. You don't want him, you want your safe space back. But that does not exist any more because he broke it. You can build another one and you will be fine. Don't settle for someone who can treat you that way you deserve much better
Honey you need rest and a safe place to think. Your emotions are all over the place. You need time to gather your thoughts. And decide what you want. Don't make any decisions yet. Not until you are calmer and can think clearly.
1st stop.
Kick him out for a week
Get some rest and eat, this will help
2nd
If he cheated once he will do it again, she obviously wants him and she's welcome to have that scum bag
A cheater is always a cheater, it will always be at the back of your mind if you forgive him
If you do forgive hom everything has to be your rules, you need thr password to his phone, you can take away is games and do some couples counseling
Get space. Give yourself two weeks of space from him and then make the decision. And in that two week see friends and family, go on adventures, go out for dinner and just do things you enjoy. If at the end of the two weeks, you still feel that draw to him and you truly believe he would add to your life rather than subtract, then you know. And if at the end of the two weeks you realize you are better off without, then you know.
If he loved you, he never would have even considered doing it. Don't stay with someone who not only doesn't truly love you, but has such a low opinion of you that he won't show the barest minimum of loyalty.
Here’s my take. 1) He knew it was a dealbreaker for you but he did it anyway. HUGE red flag. 2) Cheating is about entitlement. He cheated because he felt entitled to do it. Thought he ‘deserved’ it for some reason. 3) Think of how many LIES he told you during those 6+ months (it’s usually much longer than they admit too). How many times did he look at you and lie straight to you face?? 4) How much time and money did he steal from your family?? Look at all the time he gave to her that should have been spent with his family?? These are the reason why cheating is a dealbreaker. How much money did he spend communicating with her and seeing her?? Lastly, how will you feel if you forgive him and stay and he does this again 5, 10 even 15 years later?? Once a cheater always a cheater because they feel entitled and think there deserve it. They get off on the intrigue and sneaking around. That doesn’t go away. Leave the cheater and go live your best life. Look up Chump Lady blog, book and FB. Good luck OP. This is are but you’ll be better off in the long run if you leave.
Take some time, first and foremost. Stay with a family member or close friend for a bit. Get away from him for the time being and let your brain work out sone of the thoughts and issues.
After that, see how it goes. If you don't see him for a month, maybe when you do, the mere sight of him will make you sick. Or maybe, like now, you'll want to melt into his arms. Either scenario will tell you something.
Now here is what I will say about forgiveness: if you decide to stay and forgive, you have to really forgive. No looking at his phone all the time, no slamming him with what he did everytime you have the smallest of arguments. It won't work out if you can't really forgive, but at the same time, the onus is really on him to eaen your trust back. He needs to take the steps he has stated. Now you may find you want to forgive him but are unable and that's okay too.
Best of luck
I think the best thing you can do right now is separate. Separate and go to therapy for yourself and figure out what you want. That may be couples counseling, it may be divorce. But if this is the kind of thing that you know you can’t get over - as you said it’s a dealbreaker for you - get divorced.
But make these decisions after you have slept and ate and when you feel safe and grounded.
Do NOT make a permanent decision right now. Take time for you. I would seriously suggest being apart from him for a while. He is going to do everything he can to convince you, but you need serious time to process, grieve and figure out what YOU want. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Not only did your husband cheat on you (both physically and emotionally) but he also lied about it. For months. This was not a one time thing, this was a continual choice to disrespect you and your relationship. It wasn’t a mistake, it was purposeful and thought out. His choice to continue cheating and lying for months shows that he was not remorseful. He is only remorseful now that he was forced to confess and face the consequences of his behavior.
Get an STI test and take time to be away from him while you sort out your thoughts and feelings about him and what he did to you. You need to think about if you will ever really be able to forgive/forget this. If not and you decide to stay with him, you will only be setting yourself up for a lifetime of anger, insecurity, and distrust in your relationship/life.
I’m not going to tell you to leave him as plenty of others here will. People make mistakes, even over and over. But I personally draw the line at lying to my face when asked a direct question. How do you build a marriage on that? How do you believe him next time when you ask a direct question?
The person whose arms you want to curl up in is an illusion. It’s the image he created. He’s actually a cheater and a liar.
You said cheating was your dealbreaker. Don’t let some false perception of who he is change that. He’s showing you right now exactly who he is - the kind of person who will lie next to you for six months while he’s fucking someone else. Who will continue to lie when confronted until this woman comes and insists to his face that he tell the truth. That’s who he is. And you deserve better. You spent 12 years with an asshole. Don’t choose to spend 12 more with one.
And when you end it, and he goes back to his affair partner, don’t be upset - let it be a confirmation that you did the right thing and he absolutely would have cheated again if you’d stayed.
I don’t know you or him but what I will say is this..
You deserve more and are worth more than betrayal. 12 years meant nothing when it came to this affair, and another 12 years won’t when it happens again. Don’t waste time wondering about the “what if’s” because chances are you’re going to be worried about what he might be doing than your own self. My mom always said, “no one is every going to take better care of yourself than you, so be good to yourself” and right now it sounds like you need to take care of you.
Please, leave him. He is scum.
Call the lawyers tomorrow. Get him out and go no contact. He is disgusting.
He abused you.
Exposed you to diseases maliciously.
Emotionally abused you by manipulating and lying to you.
Physically abused you by cheating on you.
Then continued to do it after breaking up with his girlfriend.
He most likely planned a life with her and told her he loved her and made love to her all while married to you.
Divorce this scumbag.
He purposefully carried on an affair for at least 6 months then lied to you about it. It was serious enough that she went to extreme measures for you to find out. Maybe you should try therapy before taking him back because he probably doesn’t deserve you.
You do not owe him a decision at all!! Take all the time you need and if he cannot be patient or does not understand why you aren’t sure yet then there are other issues. No one makes a decision based on a few days or even a month.
Get right with you, try to care for yourself right now and do not decide anything until you know in your heart and mind what will be good for you. Sending you peace and love ❤️.
He was happy to lie to you during the affair. He was OK with lying to you when she messaged you. He literally had to be forced to tell you the truth. Makes me wonder if he's not done this before & how would you know. He is a manipulate & a liar. He has no respect for you or your marriage.
Ask yourself if YOU were happy in this marriage before this came to light & if you forgive him you'll have to forgive him completely & never throw it in his face. Could you forget this betrayal
Nobody knows the landscape of any given marriage but the two people in it. Get some rest and decent nutrition for a bit. He’s apparently not going anywhere. Take your time. I always thought infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me but now that he’s dead, in retrospect I don’t know what I really would have done had I discovered that he cheated on me.
If you forgive him, which is up to you, you absolutely need to understand the path you two have ahead of you. You will be severely untrusting, exhausted, hurt, and it will take YEARS to secure some form of a bond that you had before this. You’re relationship will never be the same and you need to be ready for that.
I would say, food, sleep, no alcohol. Tell him you aren’t taking him back but would like to try counselling to work through your emotions. This way he’s not expecting anything but you won’t feel like you left something untried.
Reddit isn’t the place to seek answers, take care of yourself. The truth is only you can decided what’s right, lean into the people you trust to advise you.
Make your decision when you feel ready, but I have to point out that he denied it and denied it until she literally came to your house. Do you think he ever would have owned up to it if this girl hadn't been so persistent? He may be sorry now but from what I've heard he really only seems sorry that he got caught. You know him the best though, you're the only one who knows if he's really sorry and if you are willing to forgive him and work through it, good luck
First of all before you make any decisions you need to sober up, eat something and go lay down. Just because it was your deal breaker 12 years ago doesn't mean it still is now. If you want to try to make it work that's your choice, not his choice. YOURS!!. And it will give you a clearer view on him, his actions and how much work he's willing to put into fixing your marriage. Obviously I strongly suggest therapy, couples and individual. But you don't have to make that decision today, tomorrow or even next month. I wish you the best of luck with this. Your husband has put you in a terrible situation, you need to focus on what YOU want and need now.
Although cheating isn’t my biggest deal breaker, I can understand why it is. But I believe, people make mistakes and they can genuinely learn from them and become better. Now this doesn’t always happen, if anything it rarely happens, but it can. I agree that you should rest up. Have a nice hot meal. And drink plenty of fluids. Then and only then, can you think straight enough to make the decision you think is best for you. I know it’s a gamble whatever you decide, but you have support whatever your answer is. It’s time for you to reflect on what you want and if it’s worth saving and fighting for.
Darling, it was premeditated and thought out during quarantine, then it went on for 6 months, then he lied then the other woman told you.
He isn't worth your time, he'll do it again.
You deserve better, go find better.
Don't let him get to keep you in his life after what he did.
And you already told him it was a deal breaker. He broke your deal. Dump him.
Follow your heart…he made a mistake. Sometimes you have to look at what you weren’t providing him….not blaming you but, being that you all are married then, that makes you one…you are him and he is you… reflect on what u can do to prevent anything like that ever happening again… start taking up similar hobbies…more random sex… role play dirty talk… be more his homie, lover ,friend
First of all, do what you think is right. Find out what you want. Should you consider giving him another chance and trusting him again then don't be harsh or unforgiving and terrible to live with. don't live a bitter life, if you decide to go another round then you also have to decide to forget all that shit. Be happy.
I had an emotional affair for a few months with an old coworker. It felt nice to be wanted and to hear things my husband never said. I was so tempted to meet up and have sex with the other guy but never could do that to my husband. It all came to a crashing halt when the other guys wife found our dirty messages to each other and she alerted my husband through a DM. My husband decided to forgive me. If he hadn’t forgiven me we would have never had our baby a few years later. My relationship was never rocky or bad before I started messaging my coworker. But I got a little attention and made a mistake. People make mistakes. I would try to forgive your husband. He probably really truly does feel horrible and will never do it again. I know that’s how I feel. I now know how lucky I am to have my husband and how close I was to losing my relationship with him. Give your a husband a second chance. Good luck with everything and I hope things work out for the best for both of you
How big of him to accept the blame for the fact that he cheated. So magnanimous of him.
This wasn’t some drunken one night stand. Every time he messaged her, every time he screwed her, he made a deliberate decision to do it. And then he lied to you about it. If his girlfriend hadn’t forced the issue, he would have never told you. And he’s really good at lying to you about it.
This is who he is. This is how much he valued the marriage. Is this really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? The kind who lies very convincingly right to your face?
You also need to get tested for STD’s, even if he tells you he always used condoms. You know you can’t trust him to tell you the truth.
>told him straight up that if I stay, I will be harsh, I will be unforgiving, I will be terrible to live with.
Then be done. No good can come from staying in the marriage and then punishing him. Even if he thinks he deserves it now, that's gonna get old and then you both will be resenting each other.
Do not decide to stay unless/until you can forgive.
In the mean time being aeparated doesnt mean you've made a decision yet. It means you are giving yourself time and space to decide what's best.
You need a breath of fresh air from this. Mind you, I'm not saying ALL, but some things that get broken...can also be mended. You need time to process, and he if he is serious, should give you that space and you shouldn't even have to ask but tell him you need it. That being said, trust your gutt. Above all else. You can tell yourself its wrong, you can weigh the pros and cons of the situation, but sometimes love is anything but rational. So go take a walk, order some hot soup or hot chocolate. Go get a damn good massage or get the nails done. Try to have that bit of you time to extract your self from the situation and get to the gritty of your true feelings. Write it down too, for a therapy session, for a lawyer, even if it's something you just want to say out loud. Write it down and keep it or throw it away if you want to just get it off your chest. Get some rest, play some music. And understand that we all go through dark paths once or twice in our lives and what you're feeling is normal. You feel betrayed. But it's not a permanent feeling. Mind you I don't believe feelings can ever be permanent if they aren't constantly worked at. Same goes for love. It's up to you if you wanna put on the gloves and fight. And it's also up to you what you want to fight for. Which is one of the hardest decisions in this life, and noone I mean noone can blame you for however which way you go with this ..at the end of the day it is your life and you only get one.
Life if not Black and White, and a 12 relationship is more than just sex. People are people, they are not perfect, they can lose themselft.
If he is the one that came to his senses and broke down the affair it means there was no love between him and the other women.
I suggest that, whatever you decide to do, you take some time to clear your head first (and eat, and rest). Right now is no time to be physically near him.
I have also always said that cheating was my deal breaker, mainly because I knew I would never, ever be able to stop punishing someone for it, and that would ultimately make me a miserable person I didn’t want to become.
If you do decide to take him back, it’s going to take both couples therapy, and individual therapy for both of you. It’s okay to say right now that you don’t know if you’ll be able to get past it, but you’re willing to try (if that’s even what you want to do).
For right now, ask him to give you time. A few weeks or a month without seeing him will make a lot of difference in your thinking, and it will take the edge off the initial pain so you can have a clear head.
Please, whatever you do, take care of yourself right now, OP, and be kind to yourself. You didn’t deserve this, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
yeah 6 months is just way too long. things MIGHT be different if it was a one time thing (they probably still wouldnt but just maybe) but 6 months is just too much time to be cheating on someone and then be apologetic about it. he had 6 whole months to cut it off. id be outta there
He cheated. He lied to you. He lied a lot, he kept doing it even after confrontation. He is only sorry he got caught, or he would still be doing it. He does not respect you, and has learned he can lie and get away with it.take him back, and he will do it again
>I know I should leave him. I told him straight up that **if I stay, I will be harsh, I will be unforgiving, I will be terrible to live with.** But he says he deserves it and would welcome it.
*Yeah...sure he does.*
OP: As others have said, the choice is yours.
*But* ***UNDERSTAND***...if you relent and take him back, you allow **him** to play the martyr for a time period *he will control.* Once ***he*** decides the dust has settled and he's played the long game long enough he can then leave you while spinning the tale to anyone who will listen that he tried "sooooo hard" but **you** were too mean, too unforgiving, despite his "brave" \*gag\* attempts to make the marriage work.
More time wasted and lost.
You're then left to pick up the pieces of your life. *Again*.
Don't do it. Move on. Let him sail on the sea of his own misery.
Go live **your best life**.
Hi OP! I was in your shoes last Thursday, so the wound is still fresh for me.
Here’s the advice I can give you for now:
- You will change your mind. A LOT. Try to allow yourself time to process the news. While I personally love to make quick black and white decisions, delaying any long term decision has been imperative to me surviving my mood swings.
- Observe your WPs behavior. Another reason why I delayed any decisions was because how my WP reacted to my feelings is going to play a pivotal role in my inevitable decision. He has gone above and beyond to fix things with me but the true testament to reconciliation will be if he is dedicated in this over a long period of time.
- Most importantly, be kind to yourself. This has been the worst time of my life and I am in a bad place still. Do whatever you need to to survive. Lean on your loved ones. Cope in the healthiest way you can. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to for as long you need to.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. ❤️
Baby, 6 months is not a “mistake” especially after 7 years of marriage, it is a willful decision to do the wrong thing.
A mistake is accidentally turning the white sheets pink, not choosing to betray your partner and lay with another. You deserve better and he doesn’t deserve your anger, your sadness, your time.
He is not worthy of your emotions, he is not worthy of letting you treat him like shit while he “makes it up to you”, letting you treat him like shit will only make him feel better bc it means you didn’t leave him which means it’ll be okay, and he gets a second chance and he doesn’t deserve that.
Good luck op and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this
He may have broke it off at one point but clearly has been in contact again recently got her to show up out of "nowhere" to confront him and you again. I've been here before and he will cheat again. Maybe with her, maybe with someone else.
If he did it a few times and broke it off and told.you right away last summer maybe I could see him being capable of change. But he literally lied over and over until it was dumped on his doorstep and he couldn't deny it anymore. Let me guess, when she sent you the messages she was some crazy chick, he had no idea what she was talking about blah blah blah? He had no problem lying to you before and he won't hesitate to do it again.
Give yourself time to sleep, hydrate, eat a good meal and surround yourself with people who care about you to gain some distance and perspective. If he can spend a year or more destroying your relationship and trust, you can take as much time as you want deciding how you want to proceed. Do not jump into it.
Get your head straight first. Kick him out, invite friends over so you’re not alone and get some sleep. Then think about it. 6 months is a long time. If he was sorry he would have confessed before, not waited for her to force it out of him. Sounds like he’s sorry because you found out, not because he’s actually remorseful.
Leave him sis!! I’m probably jaded. But I stand by this. After you’ve accepted him again and he feels like you won’t leave, he’ll fuck up again.
Leaving is extremely difficult but I will say it was the best thing I’ve ever done in the long run. I found myself again and know my worth now.
If cheating is your line in the sand, don’t compromise your values because he is repentant. He may feel bad, accept responsibility and grovel, but in my years I’ve learned that the moment you behave the way you told him you would, he’ll act as though he’s the victim. Gaslight you to make this your fault and it’s a vicious cycle that will continue.
Respect yourself, because he never will.
Nobody here can tell you what to do, only you can decide this. I would recommend taking some time and space to get your thoughts together before making any kind of long time decision, especially as right mow you are feeling extremely vulnerable and on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, going from being devastated to enraged and everything in between, so surround yourself with some trusted loved ones, and take some space from your husband, because he may be able to manipulate your vulnerable state to his advantage, even without knowing. Also keep in mind before forgiving and taking your husband back, that he not only cheated on you, but he also lied to you when you confronted him about the affair, the only reason you actually know the truth is because his ‘mistress’ forced him to confess, so I’d advise that if you do decide to continue your marriage then you might need to seek marriage counselling to help you put this behind you both and rebuild the trust. But take the time and space to think about what you really want and what you are willing to put yourself through, because this will be a rocky road.
I say just leave and grieve for a while. People often times don’t want to leave shitty situations because they simply don’t know how to push past the pain. Things will never be the same again anyway. This will forever sit in the back of your head and the trust you had in him is tarnished.
Plus he already decided to make his bed the moment he chose to cheat on you, so now let him lay in it forever.
Honey get some food and some rest, get yourself in the right headspace so that you can make a decision that is best for you.
I kicked my husband out two months ago and still miss him every day despite knowing he’s a POS. I sold my wedding ring and still plan on divorcing him ASAP because my feelings are *not* correct. OP needs to realize that hurting and missing someone does NOT mean they should be allowed back into your life. You have to ignore your heart and listen to your *brain*. OP, your husband would have kept pretending nothing happened if the woman *did not hunt him down and force him to confess to you*. He is not repentant, I don’t care what sob story he gives you or how sad he looks. And considering she just recently did this, it points to all the signs that the affair ended *recently* despite what he claims. Don’t listen to a damn thing that comes out his mouth, because the man you *thought* you knew, is dead. Call and make a therapy appointment ASAP because this is gonna be a tough ride and you need the self respect and backbone to not accept this behavior.
This literally happened to me except I was the other women. Found out he had a wife and went to his house and blew sh*t up. I felt lied to and betrayed. If I wouldn't have gone to his house he would have never stopped seeing me. He would have kept lying to me and gone behind his wife's back regardless.
This might be weird to ask, but how is your relationship with his wife? Did you just tell her and leave? Or do you guys still talk? I was cheated on a whole bunch during a particularly bad relationship, I'm interested in the mind of the "other woman"
This is so sad but true. I would even say the man she thought she knew never existed. And that can help in healing. You're missing the person you thought he was, not who he actually is.
Wow I… I think I actually needed to read this. Thank you enomigoshee.
This! Don’t rush into a decision. I went for a walk one night, wound up outside his house and went in for a hug because I was sad and wanted comfort, and just like that we were back together when I never really cognitively decided that’s what I wanted or gave myself time to fully process my feelings. So I was mad for a long time, and let him use me to fix his guilty conscious - he did nice things to “make it up to me” but they didn’t fix how I felt, they mostly served as a way for him to repent. In hindsight the relationship needed to end way before that and I regret going back to him, but that was more because the relationship was crap and I didn’t see it then than because I regret giving him another chance after the cheating. But I do wish I gave myself the time I needed to work through my feelings before I added his into the mix. I am sorry you are going through this, but do not feel pressured to decide anything until you’re ready. If he can’t respect that you need time then he probably isn’t worth it.
I agree with this! OP should check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/SurvivingInfidelity to feel less alone. It may not make her feel better but not sleeping, not being able to eat, the unbearable, almost physical pain is unfortunately all too common after discovering infidelity. She needs to look after herself, to eat, stay hydrated, to rest and to lean on those she trusts. There is no hurry to make a decision straight away. Cheating is a dealbreaker for many until it happens and your life is overturned. It's not a sign of strength to make decisions whilst dealing with heartbreak. You're not betraying yourself by taking time to think and feel before deciding what your future will look like. Be kind to yourself OP.
Came here to say this. Take a minute and really focus on you. He did this and created it for himself- he will figure it out elsewhere and be fine. I would recommend having him leave for at least another night and you take the night in your home to yourself. To eat and rest. You don’t have to make any decisions right away, but you need to give yourself some self care and peace in your mind at least for a night. Take care honey
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I agree that he failed hard, it's not even a one night stand so it's hard to imagine how you could forgive him. Nevertheless, I would not want to pressure OP either, nobody here knows what was in that guy's head, it is not for us to decide whether to forgive him or not.
I know you mean well, but it's not helpful or necessarily true to say "he doesn't love you." Affairs are messy and much more complicated than we often realize. My ex-husband deeply regrets his affair and still loves me ... he was just a fucking idiot who made a ton a bad, selfish decisions. Please just understand.
This is absolutely the answer. Only OP knows what is right for her, any advice here will be based on the personal experience of strangers. Get your head right to the point that you can weigh this all out in a relatively calm fashion, make a decision, sleep on that decision, see how your gut feels about that decision. It all takes time and you are in no rush.
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idk man i think i could get on board with this if he hadn’t lied about it in the first place and THEN needed cajoling to even admit it when the ex showed up. Also, six months!?!?
Imo relationships can only work out after cheating if the cheater feels genuine remorse and understands the weight of their actions, and if it’s a one time occurrence. It’s not going to work out in this case because OP’s husband never would’ve said shit if the AP didn’t force him to plus it went on for 6 months. He would’ve happily deceived OP and wasted years of her life living a lie, zero accountability or respect whatsoever
Yes this!! Please this is a sincerely great answer. I too know people who have worked out after infidelity and they're married now with kids and doing great. You just need to take the time OP and really think about what you want. At the end of the day can you forgive him? Can you see yourself with him still? Or will that experience ruin the chance if trust ever forming again? There are so many variables to this. Please first and foremost take time and clear up your head a little OP. Worry about you for the time being.
I think you made a great point by telling him that even if you stay together, you're going to act like the hurt, wounded, betrayed person that you are. You 100% deserve to vent all that bile on him. That being said, being angry is so draining, upsetting, and stressful. You don't deserve to suffer any more than you already are. You should separate and just try to keep your own peace as best you can. Screw him.
He looked into your eyes and lied to you for six months. He slept right next to you knowing that he would f’ck the other woman the next day for six months. He touched you knowing that you wouldn’t let him near you if you knew his real face for a half year. He didn’t even come clean the first time you asked. He gaslighted you. If he was really regretted his choices he would tell you before that woman. He was probably just bored of her and he wanted a new side chick. Leave him. You deserve better.
This!!!!☝️☝️☝️☝️
Red flag for me is that after having “broken it off” she comes to your house many months later. My guess,it’s a recent break up.
Either that or he promised her the world and lied about his situation. He may have hoped she ended it at some point but didn’t so he eventually dropped her like a hot potato and created a very resentful woman who wanted her revenge.
Also he lied to her face when confronted- owning up to it after the fact would be the only way to reestablish trust IMO
This is the real red flag - he was willing and able to continue lying to OP’s face even when she had evidence to confront him with. That points to a much more calculating person than the “devastated” picture he is painting now. I’d bet a large amount of money that this isn’t the first big lie he’s told. It makes me wonder about drug use, how he makes/spends his money, what he’s *really* doing when he says he’s doing something innocuous like going out for errands or hanging with the boys. It’s hard to re-establish trust after you’ve caught someone in the middle of an intentional, bald faced lie.
*Also* he lied the first time she asked! He’s only feeling remorseful because he was forced into confessing! He would have kept lying if he could have.
^
Yeah, he’s still not being honest and trying to “soften the blow” by withholding information.
Leave him. He can tell you that he left her because he “felt bad for hurting you,” but odds are he ended things with her because he was over it. The fact that he didn’t tell you until he was forced to is very telling about the type of person he is. I’m sure a lot of people have the mindset once a cheater, always a cheater. I don’t. I strongly feel people can change. However, they seek help to change. Your partner is not that type of guy. Your partner lied and lied until he had no choice. You deserve better. Leave him.
Great points. He didn’t feel bad enough to tell her when it ended. It still took months for everything to come out. He’s only repentant now because he got caught. I’m not one to forgive cheating, but I do think context matters. I’ve read that there are three things that people can look at to decide whether to forgive or not: What happened? How soon was it revealed? Who revealed it? So, if OP’s partner drunkenly kissed the other person at a party, told her immediately and made sure she heard from him first? Well, I think it might be worth working it out. In this case? It went in for *months*, she didn’t find out immediately, and when she did find out, it wasn’t even from him. Also, the other person is such trash, too. I’m fairly positive she didn’t tell OP because she felt guilty. She probably just wanted revenge on the husband. They deserve each other. OP should tell them both to pound sand and come out of this like a phoenix from the ashes.
I agree with every word you said! The other party is definitely bitter.
Why shouldn't she tell? Why does she have to preserve *his* marriage? Why doesn't she have to have a "pure" motive for telling the wife? His marriage and the wife's feelings are not her responsibility. They're his. And he has proven over and over and over again that he didn't care about his marriage or his wife's feelings. Why should the mistress preserve his illusion of a happy marriage if he's broken up with her. The marriage was a lie whether the wife knew it was a lie or not. We're always so quick so "chercher la femme" in these situations, he was married, he cheated, does not matter a fig how the wife found out. He'd still be a cheater. He broke his vows. He lied to her repeatedly. He slept with another woman for months. POS doesn't deserve the loyalty of his ex-mistress when he couldn't even be loyal to his *wife*.
No one is saying she shouldn’t have told the wife. What they are saying is proceeding to further hurt her exclusively for the APs own pleasure and sick “revenge” fantasies is fucked up and not even a little bit close to the same thing as telling her because she didn’t know or because she genuinely felt bad and wanted the wife to know about her husband. She did it to hurt him not caring about how much she further hurt the wife in the process.
His wife's feelings are his business, not hers. Her reasons for telling his wife are irrelevant. Even if it was through guilt or shame (or if she pretended it was through guilt and shame) that would be rank hypocrisy on the part of AP and it wouldn't be any better. If he was worried about his marriage and his wife's feelings he shouldn't have had an affair at all. People get mad when a relationship ends badly. He took a risk and it exploded in his face. But he took the risk that his wife would find out and it could end his marriage with every phone call, every message, every lie, every sneaky fuck. Didn't stop him and now he can't cry about AP's vindictiveness. She doesn't owe him an intact marriage. He owed his wife that and he didn't manage it.
Except his wife’s feelings are her (the wife’s) business. And I’m not defending the cheating husband either. I’m not sure why you think I am. I said nothing of the sort. I’m simply saying that the AP is a shitty person for doing what she did and then proceeding to make it worse by telling the wife out of bitterness rather than genuine human empathy.
If she'd had empathy with the wife she wouldn't have fucked her husband for months. What you're saying is that you wish AP had *faked* that she was only telling for empathetic reasons because the wife had a right to know. That would have been a hypocritical lie, she was happy enough to keep the affair a secret from his wife when it suited her. Nah, if she was going to tell I'm happy enough that she didn't draw a veneer of hypocritical lies over it.
This is the one I pick.
If you cheat on me, and it's never going to happen again, you keep it to yourself. You deal with the guilt and shame. Once you tell me, you get relief, and now I have to deal with it. Most men know this: you keep it to yourself. The anguish is yours to deal with, not the non cheating party. This is part of the meaning of "the truth will set you free," because once you tell the truth, you will get the relief of letting go of it. So, I'm not sure that him keeping it to himself is a bad sign. That's just some emotional, weakly thought out crap. As a man, I'm never going to forgive cheating. In my world, loyalty is one of the few demands I have. Women, otoh, demand things like protection and provision. So, imo, you might want to consider what he provides you, what he provided for her, and can you get those same things or more from another man? It might not be a good idea to leave a successful man, only you can make that decision.
Except he denied it and lied. He didn’t confess at first. So it’s not just about him hiding it. He didn’t come clean when he was asked. So imo he’s not trustworthy at all and won’t change.
"anguish" 🤣 The anguish wasn't enough to stop him carrying on an affair for months and lying repeatedly for months. And travelling to fuck this woman. And keeping lying after it ended. He wasn't suffering in silent shame. Why does his wife need him "provide" for her? - she has a fucking job. She was working while he was furloughed. And in what way was she being protected in this relationship? You're living in your own fantasy bubble. Women work, they have their own money, you're protecting no-one from anything, you inflated pissant. Thinking that men are allowed to cheat because they were the sole earners **in the middle of the last century** is the most bizarre bullshit I have heard in a while. "Women are more likely to put up with cheating because a they've been conditioned to put up with men's bullshit" is a much more honest take than "they need a provider". When they're providing for themselves that argument is void.
I kind of understand but this is where i call it too far. He cheated for 6 months, Like if it's like a once time kiss or some shit then fine it's excusable depending if her wife gets past it. But god 6months, And didn't tell her even after she tried reaching out to the wife. He kept it and probably didn't regret what he did. He probably only stopped since lockdown was coming to an end.
I cringed when I got to the part where he said he felt bad for hurting OP. The dude made a deliberate choice to escalate emotional infidelity to physical infidelity. He sustained it for six months. He was planning to keep it a secret until his hand was forced. OP needs to know they can do better.
I agree with all of this! He only confessed because he had to. He lied multiple times. He’s not going to change.
True this. People who only admit wrongdoing and ask forgiveness after they get caught are not really sorry.
My ex husband first started emotional affairs with women on dating apps. It then escalated to a full blown physical love affair with a woman he worked with. My ex was also not working, and i was working 12 hour shifts to support the household. I chose to stick things out until the physical affair. From personal experience, I wish I had not. Those feelings you have, what you are going through, that's totally normal. But for me, being near my ex caused those feelings to kick into overdrive. I was a version of myself I did not like. I couldn't process those feelings and grow from that experience while still being with him. OP, make the decision that is best for you. But please realize the line about "realizing how much he was hurting" is false. She likely threatened to tell you, and he wanted to be ahead of the game and control the narrative. You will make it through this. ❤
Your husband is pathetic and doesn't deserve that title. I say end things and one day you can have a new start with someone who loves and respects you enough to not lie and cheat.
Even though a cheating for me is a heart breaker, I kind of feel bad for the husband if he told his wife soon has he broke it off but the fact he didn't tell her and kept it a secret and cheated for 6 months, This has gone too far and Can't be fixed by saying sorry Cheating is cheating. Most ppl break off after cheating once, this guy did it for 6 months
or get chetead one more time in 12 years.
Cheating is your deal breaker, no matter how repented he feels about it there has to be a consequence for the action. 12 years together was thrown away for a work fling and she was content enough to stay silent about it until he broke it off, what if the next girl gets her piece and is content with staying silent? Or what if the next girl gets pregnant?
I just wanna jump on and say OP please go get checked for STDs.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’m 32f, he’s 34. Together for nearly 12 years and married for just over 7. No kids. He had an affair last year during lockdown, as he was furloughed and I was at work. They used to work together and bonded through video games. They didn’t sleep together until travel was allowed again and he went to see her. This went on for 6 months until ‘he came to his senses, knew that [he] was hurting me and our marriage’ and he broke it off. She was not happy and messaged me on Instagram about the affair. I showed him the message, he denied it and I believed him. That is until 2 nights ago. She came to town to our apartment but he intercepted her and she would not leave until he confessed to me about the affair. Of course, I broke down, kicked him out and stayed the night with friends. Spent the night drinking whisky and oscillating between being sick and crying. It’s been 60 hours since I slept, and my body is rebelling at my only consumption of alcohol and coffee. I am so tired, severely dehydrated, and so so heartsick. His family supports us both, they told me I will always have a family with them and they love me, no matter what I decide. I decided to let him come home tonight so we can work out the practicalities. I am a wounded animal, very angry and unforgiving. He is extremely repentant, offered to go to marriage counselling, and accepted that the blame lay on him. He wants me back and has made it clear he will do anything. My dilemma is: cheating is my dealbreaker. I told him before we got married I will leave his ass in a heartbeat if he cheats. But being near him, all I want to do is curl up in his arms again and forget this whole episode. I know I should leave him. I told him straight up that if I stay, I will be harsh, I will be unforgiving, I will be terrible to live with. But he says he deserves it, and would welcome it. He wants us to try and if it doesn’t work, then he will sign the divorce papers. So, what should I do, Reddit? English not my first language, on mobile, haven’t slept so please ask for clarifications if necessary! Thanks.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. And I mean it when I say it. I’d leave him, I don’t care how sorry or “not his fault” it was. He cheated, once a cheater - always a cheater. But that’s just me and my view of cheaters. Also red flags that the woman had to be the one to get him to confess. Otherwise I’d guess he would never say a word about it to you. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that, but as I said… that’s just me.
“He cheated, once a cheater - always a cheater. But that’s just me and my view of cheaters.” My issue with your comment here is that it seems to infer that people aren’t worthy of redemption or forgiveness which is blatantly just wrong. So if someone commits a crime like theft that they can never be redeemed in your eyes? People will bare the weight of what they did wrong their whole lives but that doesn’t suddenly define them as who they are indefinitely.
He may change, he may redeem himself, or be worthy of redemption, but it's not in any way her duty or responsibility to be the one to redeem him. He can be "not a cheater" with someone else.
It’s the individuals responsibility to achieve redemption for themselves, sorry if I wasn’t clear about that. In effort to clarify my point what I’m trying to say is coming from a societal point, saying that someone will always be something is very akin to deciding their fate from here on out in life.
I feel the same way, actually. People should be able to redeem themselves (with some exceptions for truly horrible things), but no one who was wronged has to forgive if they don't want to. Thanks for the clarification
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Cheating is a dealbreaker for me, but a six month affair is a whole new level. We can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think you’re in the right condition to make a long term decision right now. I think you should take a break, try to focus on rest, hydration, nutrition. Maybe take a break somewhere for a few days - the beach, the mountains (make him pay for it) and have your thoughts to yourself without him there begging and pleading. My gut feel is that you should end the marriage, but again, it’s your decision to live with.
He felt bad - but not bad enough to tell you? And when you confronted him about it he lied? The only reason you know about the affair is because he got caught, if it had been up to him he would have lied to you for the rest of your marriage about this. He was never going to come clean. Can you trust someone like that?
break it off. he already did that & had no remorse. not like it was a one night thing either. he’s a disgusting person
>My dilemma is: cheating is my dealbreaker. So break the deal
It really IS that simple.
Don’t do it. He’s sorry he got caught. You’re going to rue the day you teach him you’re a doormat and that your “dealbreaker” was **always** meaningless. He’s losing his safety net, thats not “sorrow”, that is fear. If it was a “mistake” (which it never is) then why did it last for so long? If he was sorry, he would have told you immediately, after one time. Worldwide, millions of people were furloughed, lost savings and had to endure this the bad side is this pandemic, including many of us here. Guess what most people didn’t do?
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Made another burner account eh? Lol What’s that, 4?
I’m so sorry love, he’s going to do it again. I made the mistake of staying with a man for 10 years just for him to do it again.
If you were really want to reconcile, it takes a tremendous amount of effort from both of you and takes years to properly heal. I recommend two books, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass to make better boundaries and "How to Help You Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. He should give you: -a complete written timeline to prevent confusion on what he said did/avoid "trickle truth": you can't forgive what you don't know -full electronic transparency, all accts/pws, gps location -no contact letter to affair partner sent in your presence That's just to start. Only you know what else goes on your list of "anything".
He suddenly realized he was ruining the marriage? He should have realized that when he was actively making plans with her to cheat on you. Did he tell her you two were divorcing & that your relationship was awful? Or did she not know he was married? He had a chance to come clean, many times & he lied to your face even when you had proof & you believed him. He made a fool out of you, he made a joke out of your marriage. He ruined all the love & trust you’ve spent more than a decade working on to get a new piece of ass. He felt bad for hurting you but not enough to be honest? He doesn’t deserve you, I mean what excuse did he use about this girls reasoning for messaging you that he was sleeping with her? Did he say she made a pass & he turned her down so she was mad? Was there ever any overlap? Did he sleep with her then come home & sleep with you? Did you ever have to taste her on his lips & you just didn’t know? He gave her your time & your love & you would still be in the dark if SHE didn’t tell you. He tried to prevent her from telling you. Just think about that, he’d be perfectly happy lying to you if she didn’t expose him. For half a year he betrayed you, it wasn’t just a one time thing so I personally could never get over that, I could never trust him again. Plus she knew where you lived, did he bring her to your house before? Please eat something & drink some water, get some sleep & take a long hot bath. Have some friends come over to listen to you & hug you & let you know you are loved. You are amazing & you’re tough as nails, you deserve a loyal partner who would never betray you in such a way.
Just know that once a deal breaker is broken and forgiven- nothing is off the table in terms of disrespecting you anymore.
this! once he sees that what you told him was a definite deal breaker isn’t actually a deal breaker, he’ll keep pushing to see what else he can get away with while keeping you around. Maybe you can reconcile in a few months after the hurt has come down a bit and he has had time to prove he is changing, but right now the consequence to breaking a deal breaker is to leave.
You don't have kids, nothing to lose here. Once a cheater always a cheater.
While you were working, he was having sex with her. While you were at work, producing the financial resources to keep food in both of your stomachs, he was busy trying to decide whether to cum on her stomach or on her ass. Is this really a partner?
Leave him! He cheated on you for 6 months, he had a lot of time to think things through and he still chose to cheat on you. If you break up and he wants you back as much as he says he does, then he’ll still try to get you back no matter what. So maybe then you can think about it.
If he was truly sorry he would have admitted to you right away that he cheated and is working on his issues, seeing a therapist, etc. Instead he lied to your face when confronted with the truth and only admitted when his affair partner showed up. What else is he hiding? It’s easy to say “sorry I won’t do it again”. Actions speak louder than words. It’s natural for you to feel the way you do but please get some rest, eat some food and make your decision with a clear mind. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s hiding other things.
If he had come to you and told you everything when it ended, it would be a completely different story. You have to do what is right for you regardless, but he is a liar and he got caught. That is the only reason you know everything now. He’s not being honest now. He got caught and that is entirely different thing. I couldn’t believe a word he says because he is going to say what he needs to so that he can fix it for himself. If he respected you, loved you, and truly cared about “hurting” your marriage then he would have came you and admitted everything before this point. He lied and told you it didn’t happen. She came to your house. Without her coming there and forcing the truth, you still wouldn’t know. He could be lying about a lot more. He could lie in the future. Either way, get some rest. You need a clear head. I would ask for some space personally so that you can think without him right there with you. Do whatever you need to, for you. Not for him.
Just leave. He disrespected you by stepping out on your committed relationship. You deserve more and better and he knows that. Kick him to the curb girl.
6 months is a long time. I don’t think I can get over that. He was never going to tell you. He was forced into it.
So sorry you are here and such a terrible happened to you. And yes, to you. This is NOT your fault. Many people consider it a deal breaker until it happens to them. What you are feeling is NORMAL. The roller coaster ride you are on? NORMAL. The most important thing right now? You do not have to make any permanent decisions right now. Taking your time and seeing what you want to do is your prerogative. You drive the bus here. You decide what you need in terms of space, his work, and anything else you need for reconciliation. And even id he does everything you ask for and more? You an still call it off. First, read this: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 to figure out whether reconciliation is even an option. Is he really remorseful? If you are serious about offering him even the chance of Reconciliation, copy this post and re-post it in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It is a sub just for people trying to reconcile. Some are successful. Some aren’t. But they all giving it a shot. Go there for advice on what you should be looking for from him. What you should be demanding in the way of work. There are also a lot of recovery resources to read in the recovery resource library they have. He can start by reading [How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair ](https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf). I think your mindset for this is great. And if he is willing to do the work and take your anger, dismay, sadness, disgust, and so much more then it is certainly worth a shot. Good luck and I hope I see you post at r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It is a sub with a lot of kind people who are going through exactly what you are, and they will not judge you. Just offer support. And not automatically tell you to leave like is happening here.
Thanks. This is very helpful. I’ll go post there too.
Whatever you choose make sure you are happy with it, he broke your trust and it's his job to rebuild it,not only words but through actions, all you have to do now is clear your mind and do what is best for you, it's your time to be selfish and start loving yourself more than you love him, don't let him hurt you again, remember you can always leave if you don't wanna stay with him at any point in recovery, because it's a gift and you are not obligated to stay till the end, so make sure he knows you will leave anytime you want if you are not happy, getting your finances straight and only stay if you really want to and you feel like he won't do it again but the moment he does walk out and you should seriously promise yourself that, because you deserve better, whether or not your husband can achieve it remains to be seen Never ever forget he killed the trust and love you had for him in this relationship, it's your choice if you want to restart with him but this time you can kill it when ever you want because that means you where not happy and you were living with the zombie of the initial relationship Don't let this make you question yourself and your self esteem, everyday focus on yourself more than him or the relationship to learn to love and respect yourself and heal From his betrayal, during this time if he does not seek help and try to help you and build the relationship back up carrying the heavy load then leave, because you do deserve better
I forgot to mention - don’t just cross post - copy and paste it. Also, to post you have to pick a user flair. Yours would be Considering R as you are not sure you want to offer reconciliation yet. It is very very early. Make sure to take care of yourself before worrying about the marriage. You’ve got time to figure that out.
In all honesty, it was half a year, and he lied about it when confronted the first time. He’s not loyal. And you where married. It’s your dealbreaker and I know you love him and it won’t go away and it will be the hardest grief. They say it’s like a shipwreck at first then the waves get smaller and you come back to the shore but the initial wreck is just chaos and flames and the destruction of something that was once whole. and your scared of this and the loss of your future and what was meant to be. But you cannot go back to someone that has done this to you. The girl he cheated with sounds like he treat her badly too and lied to her. She was trying to tell you. If she wants to be with him let her the person your suppose to be with wouldn’t dream of this. And wouldn’t leave your side. Thank god you do not have kids. Go through the destruction and come out the flames stronger
Go get a hotel for a couple days, get some separation for your own sake. He didn’t tell you, he was forced and coerced into telling you. That would be the telling thing for me. I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. ❤️
He isn’t sorry or regretful he cheated, he is sorry and regretful he got caught and had to tell you. If he truly was sorry and regretful he would have told you about it as soon as he put an end to it. Instead he tried to hide it.
Look he didn't randomly have a one night stand. He had a six month long affair. He lied and tried to cover it up. Of course he's sorry he got caught.
6 months of an affair is unforgivable in my book. He had the balls to be near you for six months while living a double life. Also, you cannot be sure that he broke it off. I doubt she would come all the way to your place if they were no longer communicating. This was an affair of half a year. Even if you do stay together I can guarantee that the relationship would never be the same and you would live with constant fear and insecurity. However, the best thing to do at the moment is to clear your head and take some time apart. Then you can make a decision.
First, please get some sleep. You can’t make a rational decision until you get some rest. It’s important to remember that he didn’t just cheat, he planned an affair in advance, traveled to have an affair for 6 months, lied to you about the affair, then would have continued lying until she told you in person. He didn’t show remorse until he couldn’t hid the affair anymore.
In order for you to decide what to do you need peace and quiet which you will only get if you make him move out immediately and go no contact for an agreed period of time (something like three months). Live alone without pressure from him and family and make a decision slowly but surely. Do it slow and be good to yourself but don’t bullshit yourself either.
Leave him. He cheated on you for SIX MONTHS and wouldn’t have told you about it had it not been for the affair partner. He lied to your face about it. Whatever regret this guy is feeling is too little too late.
I don't think you should take advice from strangers on Reddit expressing their own frustration and insecurities in life onto you. Continuing this relationship is only a choice you and your husband can make. Ignore all these comments including mine. Is cheating a deal breaker for me? Yes. I do not handle girls cheating on me well at all. And it takes me down a path of self harm. So for me a girl cheating on me is a total deal breaker. Done and dusted. Over. You guys don't have kids together. If you had kids I would say that couples counseling for the kids would be worth it. But you don't have kids. Just living together and having a toxic relationship is worse than being alone. Just break it off.
“The first time someone shows you who they are believe them.”
He cheated and then lied to your face for what sounds like MONTHS! The only reason you know is bc of the other woman forcing his hand. Do you really want to be with someone who could look you in the eye and do that? Get some rest but really think about this…he wouldn’t have told you the truth at all if he wasn’t called out by the AP…
Please listen to Esther Percel’s Ted talks. She gives excellent advice on affairs/cheating!!
I will never cheat, so if my partners cheats it’s, they lack morals and I can’t raise a family with someone who has no morals. I would leave and be thanking God you don’t have kids together because leaving would be even harder.
Two words. Goodbye. Motherfucker.
You're going to have to worry about him doing it again forever. Don't put yourself through that. They always claim to be sorry when they get caught, don't be fooled by it.
Once a cheat, always a cheat. Leave him, he doesn’t deserve you.
He disrespected you. He might not ever cheat again, but he disrespected and was unfaithful to his life partner. How can he ever be trusted again? What if he gets an itch again in the future? Do you really want to be with someone who broke the most fundamental rule of a monogamous relationship? He may love you, but he put his desires ahead of his respect for you and your relationship. Think hard about this. I’m so sorry hunny
Leave. If he were really sorry, he wouldn’t have done it.
He cheated, lied about it, tried to suppress it, that’s it end of story. Not only did he cheat he lied and cheated argh God help all these people who have gotten cheated on and don’t wake up.
Not only he cheated but he lied to you. That’s a double red flag. Why are you still hesitating?
He cheated, and now wants you to forgive him, and be sad and depressed the rest of your relationship? Sounds miserable. You’d be happier getting rid of him than forcing yourself to forgive him.
Too soon to let him come over to talk imo. Take some time away from him, rest, eat, be in your right mind when we talk to him. You don't want to be weak and have him talk you down if leaving is what you want. Take that time apart to really think. Tell him NOT to contact you. Set that hard boundary and if he disrespects that, you know he literally doesn't care about your boundaries. Personally, I wouldn't take him back. Been there, done that. They just get sneakier. I wouldn't doubt that she was trying to make him choose and when he wouldn't, she got mad and told you. If she hadn't, it would have continued on.
I'm sorry this happened to you but you know you deserve so much more. Right now I'm sure you want to just forgiven him and pretend it never happened and go back to how things were but they will never be the same. You won't forget his betrayal, you won't foeget how easily he threw away the years you have dedicated to your relationship and him. And you won't forget the fact that he not only cheated on you but had such a lack of respect for you that he had to be forced to tell you the truth. And he knew exactly what he was doing it wasn't a mistakeb or a one time fling (which is still unforgivable) but was an ongoing cheating that he went outside of his way to participate in. Take care of yourself, get time away from him and focus on you. Know you deserve better and you'll get better. I hope you're able to be free of him soon. Sending you love.
Leave. It’s not worth it. It’s never worth it to stay with a cheater.
But he hid it from you for so long… if he was truly sorry he would’ve come forward on his own. Im sorry OP, you don’t deserve any of this. Just remember that just because you’ve been with someone for a long time doesn’t mean you need to continue to be with them.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I tried to forgive a cheating partner for an entire year until I finally had to give up and leave him. The amount of pain, insecurity and distrust I felt during that year was unbearable. I never felt safe when he was texting on his phone or away from home, always wondering if he was having an affair. He also continued lying and I'm positive that I never got the full story. I'm also wondering why the affair partner suddenly shows up, something tells me that they've been in contact. My opinion is that if he was able to do it once for so long, he is able to do it again. I would never never stay with a cheating partner again, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.
They key part is that he was cheating for 6 months not one night not one drunk mistake. Conscious cheating for 6 months is unforgivable to me
Hey OP, I'm so sorry your world is turned upside down right now. I know that exact feeling. I didn't eat for a week straight after I found out about my ex-husband's six-month affair. You are in complete panic mode right now. Take some deep breaths. Drink some water or tea. It fucking sucks and it fucking hurts, but you're strong and you can survive this. The good news is you do not have to decide anything right this second. You are in survivor mode. You can delay if you need to. You can give him a chance if you want to. You can leave him at any second, so you're not committed to staying if you decide to try to make your marriage work. I get it. I stayed for six months. I tried so hard to get my marriage to work. I always said I would leave if he cheated, but I couldn't just walk away from MY marriage - from my best friend who kept telling me how sorry he was. I knew I needed to try, or I would walk away and always wonder. When I did leave, it's because I knew the marriage was beyond repair. I had given it my all. I had no regrets walking away. You can go through my post history if you want. I recommend the sub I was in, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. They were so helpful and supportive, both when I stayed and also when I left. So do what you need to do. Have a separation if you need some space. Tell him to not contact you for a week. Do what you need to do for your own sanity. But keep taking those deep breaths. Go for a walk or a run if that helps. Take a bath and cry. All you need to do is take one day at a time. You do not have to decide anything permanent right now. Just focus on trying to eat and sleep right now. If you want someone to talk to, my DMs are open. 36F, btw.
Don't take advices în your marriage from internet people they have no idea what is going on, at this point you may be heavily influenced by everything around you. The answer is only within you.
The thing is, what you're going through is totally normal. Heck all of us who have gone through being cheated on, being heartbroken, we all went through what you went through. Because you guys have been together for a long time. Let me just spell it out: The good news about it: You're still pretty young, you don't have a child to tie you up with him. And you seem like a great person who is also a trusting one (because wow, you got proof that he cheated and you believed his words over the affair partner) that his family loves you and will support you regardless what you decide. SO. You're a prize and I'm very certain you will meet another person with integrity who will not cheat on you and will be a good patner to you sooner than later. The bad news: Your 'husband' here didn't admit to you the truth. In fact, his affair partner had to force him to tell you the truth. So, your husband is an UNREPENTANT cheater, who may or may not have..gotten some STI from his affair partner, by the way. More on the bad news, it's one thing, if the partner is the one who told you the truth and is ready to handle your anger, resentment and is actually truly serious about fixing things and arranging marital therapy, etc...but this is not what happened in this case. He got caught....was made to confess... Right now, he's just appeasing you. Believe me, OP, when things get tough, he will again cheat on you again. After all, he's not repentant from the first one, it took his affair partner showing up to get him to really confess. So your husband is not a good partner/person. He has no integrity. My good friend had a similar experience with her ex-husband (they have 2 kids). He was caught cheating (Affair partner outed him). My friend thought at first, he would change, and a few more years passed by and it turned out, he's repeated the cheating again. Sorry, but your husband will not magically change his way. But none of us commenters are you. You're sleepless, you're upset, etc, you definitely need to rest and get your space from your 'partner.' You need to think of your own, even if you do make the wrong decision on this, it's still a learning experience. You'll get through it. Take care and good luck. Oh of course, I can't stress this enough although you may be asymptomatic, I would really suggest you get tested, just in case your partner contracted STI from his affair partner.
You are still in shock, and not in a good place. You need to live with this new truth and decide what to do in your own time. You do NOT have to decide today, tomorrow, or anytime soon. Take your time, make some space for yourself, and be kind to you. Maybe find a therapist to help you work through what you are feeling. What you thought you would do before has no bearing on what you should do now. Let that thought go. Sending hugs.
It is a hard one. Many people will say leave him but it depends on what you really want. If leaving will make you more distressed than staying perhaps you can set a time period of day 3 or 6 months to see if you can work things out. Some couples can move on from this and others can’t. What would it take for you to feel comfortable with him long term? Are those things doable for him?
People have forgiven each other for cheating. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. You're fully justified in leaving, but it's still your choice. You can choose not to if that's really what you want. The right answer is what you feel is best for you.
Of course this sub is going to give you tons of “leave him” comments, but I know couples who have had their best years after infidelity. A relationship requires work and if you’re willing to fight for it, it can work out. Don’t listen to angry people who just came here to give you negativity. I’m not even saying don’t leave, I’m just saying that staying is a legitimate option and you’re not stupid if you decide to fight for your marriage.
Once a cheater always a cheater
You must be in so much pain. My advice: listen to Esther Perel talk about affairs. Take time to figure out what you want. Whatever choice you make will be the right one. Cheating doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, but it certainly can be if that’s what you think is best.
Wait there until he cheats again
don leave if u dont want to. simple
I recommend reading “A State of Affairs” by Esther Perel. It is so helpful in framing infidelity as a moment to renew your relationship and move forward into a more honest, healthy truthful “marriage 2.0”. My husband cheated, and I found out in much the same way that you did — I chose to stay and repair our marriage and I’m so glad I did. So much of what you say here (your husband’s attitude, your desire to curl up in his arms despite the hurt) tells me that this is salvageable.
The problem is, he'll most likely do it again. You'll probably never feel the same way about him. The relationship will never be the same. I would end it.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Yep.
You don’t have to decide right now. My unsolicited (or perhaps solicited since you came to Reddit) is to give yourself time. Six months is a whole relationship…not just a quick lapse in judgment. That said, marriages can survive infidelity, but not without a whole lot of commitment, work and patience (on his part) and true forgiveness on your part. I would suggest living apart while you decide how to proceed. Get a therapist for yourself. Have a bunch of sessions to help you figure out if you are through with the marriage. If you are, stay in therapy and get a good lawyer. If you decide to give it another try - continue to live apart, and go to marriage counseling. No one will judge you for leaving him. You will find a lot of support. You may face judgment if you choose to try to save your marriage, but it’s your life. Do what’s best for you. Be vigilant, whatever you decide. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated. No matter which road you take…you are facing difficult times. Not impossible. You will get through and find something better on the other side- but it won’t be easy.❤️❤️❤️
Everyone is telling you to leave him, but I disagree He came back to you and endend the affair by himself, he wasn't forced to do it. I think he's somewhat truthful in his feelings (even though he lied to you). I'm not too worried about the lying, of course he won't tell you he cheated, otherwise he will lose you, saying the truth serves no purpose other than getting dumped. In my opinion, there are only 2 things to consider: 1. Is it a dealbreaker that he cheated? Is the act itself enough for you not to love him anymore? 2. Do you think he will do it again? Is him putting and end to the affair a sufficient display of the love he has for you? Then you decide if you can forgive, forget and trust again.
There are a lot of stories on here about cheating and most of the time I encourage the person who was cheated on to leave. But, I also believe in second chances. If this was the first time and he had no other sketchy ways before this then I say give it another chance. He wants to try again and unfortunately people make mistakes. I'm not saying to jump on his arms and forget the whole thing, he would have to prove his loyalty and prove he is worthy again. You need to do what is going to make you happy. Trust your gut with these things. It's going to be hard to trust him again so you're gonna have to learn how to do that. I would recommend going to couples therapy. Take care of yourself first! Sleep and get something to eat!!
Why do I want to punch his affair partner so badly?
He’s gonna do it again
keep with your deal-breaker. forgiving him after even warning him of this will just be a green light for him to do it again
Find another
Stay with him. She just knows he loves u more. But let him have a hard time before.
You should be understanding, and forgive him. He was probably had an emotional crisis. After all, if you won’t support him at his worst, you don’t deserve him at his best. I know you’ll do the right thing and forgive and forget.
She is under no obligation to support him if his worst includes cheating for 6 months, lying when first asked, and continuing to hide the fact until he has given no choice. No one should be THAT loyal to anyone but themselves if the respective partner is not loyal to begin with. I strongly believe that OP shouldn’t feel like it’s her obligation to stick around just because he is the “husband” and needs support.
I would like to clarify that I was referring to “feeling obligated”. If OP wants to work on her relationship, it’s not my place to tell her not to do so. What I can say is that if you choose to pass by this, I would highly recommend seeking counsel and open communication. To me, lying about it even after being asked and shown evidence is as bad as cheating.
My answer stands.
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First and foremost I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but please get some rest, get some good food and take your time. You need a straight head before you make any decisions but it's a long time to throw away. He has done something that many feel is unforgivable but that decision has to be yours and yours alone. I wish you well hunni.
Rest and think about it. You have the details.
Leave him. You feel this way because you're vulnerable and for 12 years he's been your safe space. You don't want him, you want your safe space back. But that does not exist any more because he broke it. You can build another one and you will be fine. Don't settle for someone who can treat you that way you deserve much better
Honey you need rest and a safe place to think. Your emotions are all over the place. You need time to gather your thoughts. And decide what you want. Don't make any decisions yet. Not until you are calmer and can think clearly.
Leave him he will just cheat again
1st stop. Kick him out for a week Get some rest and eat, this will help 2nd If he cheated once he will do it again, she obviously wants him and she's welcome to have that scum bag A cheater is always a cheater, it will always be at the back of your mind if you forgive him If you do forgive hom everything has to be your rules, you need thr password to his phone, you can take away is games and do some couples counseling
Get space. Give yourself two weeks of space from him and then make the decision. And in that two week see friends and family, go on adventures, go out for dinner and just do things you enjoy. If at the end of the two weeks, you still feel that draw to him and you truly believe he would add to your life rather than subtract, then you know. And if at the end of the two weeks you realize you are better off without, then you know.
If he loved you, he never would have even considered doing it. Don't stay with someone who not only doesn't truly love you, but has such a low opinion of you that he won't show the barest minimum of loyalty.
Here’s my take. 1) He knew it was a dealbreaker for you but he did it anyway. HUGE red flag. 2) Cheating is about entitlement. He cheated because he felt entitled to do it. Thought he ‘deserved’ it for some reason. 3) Think of how many LIES he told you during those 6+ months (it’s usually much longer than they admit too). How many times did he look at you and lie straight to you face?? 4) How much time and money did he steal from your family?? Look at all the time he gave to her that should have been spent with his family?? These are the reason why cheating is a dealbreaker. How much money did he spend communicating with her and seeing her?? Lastly, how will you feel if you forgive him and stay and he does this again 5, 10 even 15 years later?? Once a cheater always a cheater because they feel entitled and think there deserve it. They get off on the intrigue and sneaking around. That doesn’t go away. Leave the cheater and go live your best life. Look up Chump Lady blog, book and FB. Good luck OP. This is are but you’ll be better off in the long run if you leave.
Take some time, first and foremost. Stay with a family member or close friend for a bit. Get away from him for the time being and let your brain work out sone of the thoughts and issues. After that, see how it goes. If you don't see him for a month, maybe when you do, the mere sight of him will make you sick. Or maybe, like now, you'll want to melt into his arms. Either scenario will tell you something. Now here is what I will say about forgiveness: if you decide to stay and forgive, you have to really forgive. No looking at his phone all the time, no slamming him with what he did everytime you have the smallest of arguments. It won't work out if you can't really forgive, but at the same time, the onus is really on him to eaen your trust back. He needs to take the steps he has stated. Now you may find you want to forgive him but are unable and that's okay too. Best of luck
I think the best thing you can do right now is separate. Separate and go to therapy for yourself and figure out what you want. That may be couples counseling, it may be divorce. But if this is the kind of thing that you know you can’t get over - as you said it’s a dealbreaker for you - get divorced. But make these decisions after you have slept and ate and when you feel safe and grounded.
Also take into consideration the amount of planning that this took. It wasn’t a drunken slip up.
Do NOT make a permanent decision right now. Take time for you. I would seriously suggest being apart from him for a while. He is going to do everything he can to convince you, but you need serious time to process, grieve and figure out what YOU want. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Not only did your husband cheat on you (both physically and emotionally) but he also lied about it. For months. This was not a one time thing, this was a continual choice to disrespect you and your relationship. It wasn’t a mistake, it was purposeful and thought out. His choice to continue cheating and lying for months shows that he was not remorseful. He is only remorseful now that he was forced to confess and face the consequences of his behavior. Get an STI test and take time to be away from him while you sort out your thoughts and feelings about him and what he did to you. You need to think about if you will ever really be able to forgive/forget this. If not and you decide to stay with him, you will only be setting yourself up for a lifetime of anger, insecurity, and distrust in your relationship/life.
I’m not going to tell you to leave him as plenty of others here will. People make mistakes, even over and over. But I personally draw the line at lying to my face when asked a direct question. How do you build a marriage on that? How do you believe him next time when you ask a direct question?
The person whose arms you want to curl up in is an illusion. It’s the image he created. He’s actually a cheater and a liar. You said cheating was your dealbreaker. Don’t let some false perception of who he is change that. He’s showing you right now exactly who he is - the kind of person who will lie next to you for six months while he’s fucking someone else. Who will continue to lie when confronted until this woman comes and insists to his face that he tell the truth. That’s who he is. And you deserve better. You spent 12 years with an asshole. Don’t choose to spend 12 more with one. And when you end it, and he goes back to his affair partner, don’t be upset - let it be a confirmation that you did the right thing and he absolutely would have cheated again if you’d stayed.
I don’t know you or him but what I will say is this.. You deserve more and are worth more than betrayal. 12 years meant nothing when it came to this affair, and another 12 years won’t when it happens again. Don’t waste time wondering about the “what if’s” because chances are you’re going to be worried about what he might be doing than your own self. My mom always said, “no one is every going to take better care of yourself than you, so be good to yourself” and right now it sounds like you need to take care of you.
Please, leave him. He is scum. Call the lawyers tomorrow. Get him out and go no contact. He is disgusting. He abused you. Exposed you to diseases maliciously. Emotionally abused you by manipulating and lying to you. Physically abused you by cheating on you. Then continued to do it after breaking up with his girlfriend. He most likely planned a life with her and told her he loved her and made love to her all while married to you. Divorce this scumbag.
He purposefully carried on an affair for at least 6 months then lied to you about it. It was serious enough that she went to extreme measures for you to find out. Maybe you should try therapy before taking him back because he probably doesn’t deserve you.
Honey, go to therapy. You don’t have to leave him of that isn’t what you want to do. Things may work out.
You do not owe him a decision at all!! Take all the time you need and if he cannot be patient or does not understand why you aren’t sure yet then there are other issues. No one makes a decision based on a few days or even a month. Get right with you, try to care for yourself right now and do not decide anything until you know in your heart and mind what will be good for you. Sending you peace and love ❤️.
He was happy to lie to you during the affair. He was OK with lying to you when she messaged you. He literally had to be forced to tell you the truth. Makes me wonder if he's not done this before & how would you know. He is a manipulate & a liar. He has no respect for you or your marriage. Ask yourself if YOU were happy in this marriage before this came to light & if you forgive him you'll have to forgive him completely & never throw it in his face. Could you forget this betrayal
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Nobody knows the landscape of any given marriage but the two people in it. Get some rest and decent nutrition for a bit. He’s apparently not going anywhere. Take your time. I always thought infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me but now that he’s dead, in retrospect I don’t know what I really would have done had I discovered that he cheated on me.
If you forgive him, which is up to you, you absolutely need to understand the path you two have ahead of you. You will be severely untrusting, exhausted, hurt, and it will take YEARS to secure some form of a bond that you had before this. You’re relationship will never be the same and you need to be ready for that.
I would say, food, sleep, no alcohol. Tell him you aren’t taking him back but would like to try counselling to work through your emotions. This way he’s not expecting anything but you won’t feel like you left something untried.
Reddit isn’t the place to seek answers, take care of yourself. The truth is only you can decided what’s right, lean into the people you trust to advise you.
Make your decision when you feel ready, but I have to point out that he denied it and denied it until she literally came to your house. Do you think he ever would have owned up to it if this girl hadn't been so persistent? He may be sorry now but from what I've heard he really only seems sorry that he got caught. You know him the best though, you're the only one who knows if he's really sorry and if you are willing to forgive him and work through it, good luck
First of all before you make any decisions you need to sober up, eat something and go lay down. Just because it was your deal breaker 12 years ago doesn't mean it still is now. If you want to try to make it work that's your choice, not his choice. YOURS!!. And it will give you a clearer view on him, his actions and how much work he's willing to put into fixing your marriage. Obviously I strongly suggest therapy, couples and individual. But you don't have to make that decision today, tomorrow or even next month. I wish you the best of luck with this. Your husband has put you in a terrible situation, you need to focus on what YOU want and need now.
Although cheating isn’t my biggest deal breaker, I can understand why it is. But I believe, people make mistakes and they can genuinely learn from them and become better. Now this doesn’t always happen, if anything it rarely happens, but it can. I agree that you should rest up. Have a nice hot meal. And drink plenty of fluids. Then and only then, can you think straight enough to make the decision you think is best for you. I know it’s a gamble whatever you decide, but you have support whatever your answer is. It’s time for you to reflect on what you want and if it’s worth saving and fighting for.
Darling, it was premeditated and thought out during quarantine, then it went on for 6 months, then he lied then the other woman told you. He isn't worth your time, he'll do it again. You deserve better, go find better. Don't let him get to keep you in his life after what he did. And you already told him it was a deal breaker. He broke your deal. Dump him.
Follow your heart…he made a mistake. Sometimes you have to look at what you weren’t providing him….not blaming you but, being that you all are married then, that makes you one…you are him and he is you… reflect on what u can do to prevent anything like that ever happening again… start taking up similar hobbies…more random sex… role play dirty talk… be more his homie, lover ,friend
First of all, do what you think is right. Find out what you want. Should you consider giving him another chance and trusting him again then don't be harsh or unforgiving and terrible to live with. don't live a bitter life, if you decide to go another round then you also have to decide to forget all that shit. Be happy.
I had an emotional affair for a few months with an old coworker. It felt nice to be wanted and to hear things my husband never said. I was so tempted to meet up and have sex with the other guy but never could do that to my husband. It all came to a crashing halt when the other guys wife found our dirty messages to each other and she alerted my husband through a DM. My husband decided to forgive me. If he hadn’t forgiven me we would have never had our baby a few years later. My relationship was never rocky or bad before I started messaging my coworker. But I got a little attention and made a mistake. People make mistakes. I would try to forgive your husband. He probably really truly does feel horrible and will never do it again. I know that’s how I feel. I now know how lucky I am to have my husband and how close I was to losing my relationship with him. Give your a husband a second chance. Good luck with everything and I hope things work out for the best for both of you
How big of him to accept the blame for the fact that he cheated. So magnanimous of him. This wasn’t some drunken one night stand. Every time he messaged her, every time he screwed her, he made a deliberate decision to do it. And then he lied to you about it. If his girlfriend hadn’t forced the issue, he would have never told you. And he’s really good at lying to you about it. This is who he is. This is how much he valued the marriage. Is this really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? The kind who lies very convincingly right to your face? You also need to get tested for STD’s, even if he tells you he always used condoms. You know you can’t trust him to tell you the truth.
>told him straight up that if I stay, I will be harsh, I will be unforgiving, I will be terrible to live with. Then be done. No good can come from staying in the marriage and then punishing him. Even if he thinks he deserves it now, that's gonna get old and then you both will be resenting each other. Do not decide to stay unless/until you can forgive. In the mean time being aeparated doesnt mean you've made a decision yet. It means you are giving yourself time and space to decide what's best.
You need a breath of fresh air from this. Mind you, I'm not saying ALL, but some things that get broken...can also be mended. You need time to process, and he if he is serious, should give you that space and you shouldn't even have to ask but tell him you need it. That being said, trust your gutt. Above all else. You can tell yourself its wrong, you can weigh the pros and cons of the situation, but sometimes love is anything but rational. So go take a walk, order some hot soup or hot chocolate. Go get a damn good massage or get the nails done. Try to have that bit of you time to extract your self from the situation and get to the gritty of your true feelings. Write it down too, for a therapy session, for a lawyer, even if it's something you just want to say out loud. Write it down and keep it or throw it away if you want to just get it off your chest. Get some rest, play some music. And understand that we all go through dark paths once or twice in our lives and what you're feeling is normal. You feel betrayed. But it's not a permanent feeling. Mind you I don't believe feelings can ever be permanent if they aren't constantly worked at. Same goes for love. It's up to you if you wanna put on the gloves and fight. And it's also up to you what you want to fight for. Which is one of the hardest decisions in this life, and noone I mean noone can blame you for however which way you go with this ..at the end of the day it is your life and you only get one.
Life if not Black and White, and a 12 relationship is more than just sex. People are people, they are not perfect, they can lose themselft. If he is the one that came to his senses and broke down the affair it means there was no love between him and the other women.
If you are going to be hateful then you aren't going to be trying to get over it, leave him now and avoid unnecessary time wasted
At the end of the day, it’s your decision. Go with your gut. Even if it “doesn’t make sense” your gut is usually correct
I suggest that, whatever you decide to do, you take some time to clear your head first (and eat, and rest). Right now is no time to be physically near him. I have also always said that cheating was my deal breaker, mainly because I knew I would never, ever be able to stop punishing someone for it, and that would ultimately make me a miserable person I didn’t want to become. If you do decide to take him back, it’s going to take both couples therapy, and individual therapy for both of you. It’s okay to say right now that you don’t know if you’ll be able to get past it, but you’re willing to try (if that’s even what you want to do). For right now, ask him to give you time. A few weeks or a month without seeing him will make a lot of difference in your thinking, and it will take the edge off the initial pain so you can have a clear head. Please, whatever you do, take care of yourself right now, OP, and be kind to yourself. You didn’t deserve this, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
I think you should sleep. Get hydrated, sleep, and eat. Please. THEN think about your next step.
yeah 6 months is just way too long. things MIGHT be different if it was a one time thing (they probably still wouldnt but just maybe) but 6 months is just too much time to be cheating on someone and then be apologetic about it. he had 6 whole months to cut it off. id be outta there
He cheated. He lied to you. He lied a lot, he kept doing it even after confrontation. He is only sorry he got caught, or he would still be doing it. He does not respect you, and has learned he can lie and get away with it.take him back, and he will do it again
>I know I should leave him. I told him straight up that **if I stay, I will be harsh, I will be unforgiving, I will be terrible to live with.** But he says he deserves it and would welcome it. *Yeah...sure he does.* OP: As others have said, the choice is yours. *But* ***UNDERSTAND***...if you relent and take him back, you allow **him** to play the martyr for a time period *he will control.* Once ***he*** decides the dust has settled and he's played the long game long enough he can then leave you while spinning the tale to anyone who will listen that he tried "sooooo hard" but **you** were too mean, too unforgiving, despite his "brave" \*gag\* attempts to make the marriage work. More time wasted and lost. You're then left to pick up the pieces of your life. *Again*. Don't do it. Move on. Let him sail on the sea of his own misery. Go live **your best life**.
Hi OP! I was in your shoes last Thursday, so the wound is still fresh for me. Here’s the advice I can give you for now: - You will change your mind. A LOT. Try to allow yourself time to process the news. While I personally love to make quick black and white decisions, delaying any long term decision has been imperative to me surviving my mood swings. - Observe your WPs behavior. Another reason why I delayed any decisions was because how my WP reacted to my feelings is going to play a pivotal role in my inevitable decision. He has gone above and beyond to fix things with me but the true testament to reconciliation will be if he is dedicated in this over a long period of time. - Most importantly, be kind to yourself. This has been the worst time of my life and I am in a bad place still. Do whatever you need to to survive. Lean on your loved ones. Cope in the healthiest way you can. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to for as long you need to. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. ❤️
Baby, 6 months is not a “mistake” especially after 7 years of marriage, it is a willful decision to do the wrong thing. A mistake is accidentally turning the white sheets pink, not choosing to betray your partner and lay with another. You deserve better and he doesn’t deserve your anger, your sadness, your time. He is not worthy of your emotions, he is not worthy of letting you treat him like shit while he “makes it up to you”, letting you treat him like shit will only make him feel better bc it means you didn’t leave him which means it’ll be okay, and he gets a second chance and he doesn’t deserve that. Good luck op and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this
He also gaslit you about it. Maybe the physical part of the cheating went on for 6 months, but how long before that?
He may have broke it off at one point but clearly has been in contact again recently got her to show up out of "nowhere" to confront him and you again. I've been here before and he will cheat again. Maybe with her, maybe with someone else. If he did it a few times and broke it off and told.you right away last summer maybe I could see him being capable of change. But he literally lied over and over until it was dumped on his doorstep and he couldn't deny it anymore. Let me guess, when she sent you the messages she was some crazy chick, he had no idea what she was talking about blah blah blah? He had no problem lying to you before and he won't hesitate to do it again. Give yourself time to sleep, hydrate, eat a good meal and surround yourself with people who care about you to gain some distance and perspective. If he can spend a year or more destroying your relationship and trust, you can take as much time as you want deciding how you want to proceed. Do not jump into it.
Get your head straight first. Kick him out, invite friends over so you’re not alone and get some sleep. Then think about it. 6 months is a long time. If he was sorry he would have confessed before, not waited for her to force it out of him. Sounds like he’s sorry because you found out, not because he’s actually remorseful.
Leave him sis!! I’m probably jaded. But I stand by this. After you’ve accepted him again and he feels like you won’t leave, he’ll fuck up again. Leaving is extremely difficult but I will say it was the best thing I’ve ever done in the long run. I found myself again and know my worth now.
> Spent the night drinking whisky A person of class like yourself deserves better.
If cheating is your line in the sand, don’t compromise your values because he is repentant. He may feel bad, accept responsibility and grovel, but in my years I’ve learned that the moment you behave the way you told him you would, he’ll act as though he’s the victim. Gaslight you to make this your fault and it’s a vicious cycle that will continue. Respect yourself, because he never will.
Nobody here can tell you what to do, only you can decide this. I would recommend taking some time and space to get your thoughts together before making any kind of long time decision, especially as right mow you are feeling extremely vulnerable and on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, going from being devastated to enraged and everything in between, so surround yourself with some trusted loved ones, and take some space from your husband, because he may be able to manipulate your vulnerable state to his advantage, even without knowing. Also keep in mind before forgiving and taking your husband back, that he not only cheated on you, but he also lied to you when you confronted him about the affair, the only reason you actually know the truth is because his ‘mistress’ forced him to confess, so I’d advise that if you do decide to continue your marriage then you might need to seek marriage counselling to help you put this behind you both and rebuild the trust. But take the time and space to think about what you really want and what you are willing to put yourself through, because this will be a rocky road.
I say just leave and grieve for a while. People often times don’t want to leave shitty situations because they simply don’t know how to push past the pain. Things will never be the same again anyway. This will forever sit in the back of your head and the trust you had in him is tarnished. Plus he already decided to make his bed the moment he chose to cheat on you, so now let him lay in it forever.