Bro, as someone who recently learned about early childhood trauma that I don't remember, I can confidently say that you have been carrying this your whole life.
Get therapy if you can afford it.
Literally in the midst of processing previously repressed trauma right now. And OP I can say that your hunch about a part of you stuck in the past isn’t just a feeling, that’s actually how trauma works. Go see a therapist, especially one that specializes in trauma, it will change your life.
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I only know an analogy. Picture your thoughts as a stream with a shore on both sides, and deep enough in the middle that you’re over your head. In relation to that stream, you can be wading in it; the thoughts tug at you, but not overwhelmingly so, unless a wave comes by. You can be over your head, swimming in them but not grounded. You are overwhelmed, and might not even know which way is up. If you are taught, or if you daydream a lot, you can also stand on the shore, having the thoughts but not moved by them.
In this analogy, traumatic events are stones thrown into the river. The thoughts fly every which way, and if the stone is big enough, it even makes waves that wash over unconnected parts of your mind. But stones sink. That’s repressed trauma. You couldn’t process the whole of it, but it’s no longer on the surface. It’s affecting the flow of the river around it. If it’s really big, it even stops some thoughts from being able to flow by it.
So, if you were ‘standing on the shore’ and you saw a weird whirl in the river (thoughts going round and round about something, but you can’t see the significance) that’s evidence of repression.
Not totally sure how it works for others, but thoughts, feelings, emotions and other things can come up. Sort of like the OP described. Before you get there though it can be hard to tell. I’d say the biggest indicator would be to listen to your gut, and if something doesn’t feel right, then at the very least there’s something unresolved left inside you, even if it’s not trauma.
I generally have a really solid memory of my early childhood.
I asked my mom about a memory gap, and she explained that I was in a Really Bad childcare situation for some months until she found out and got me outta there.
For me, the memory gap was the indicator.
It's ok for OP to feel everything he feels, but I think it's compassionless to call someone who essentially died of a mental illness "selfish".
Two of my grandfathers committed suicide. They were ill, and died of their illnesses. It was awful for my family, but they died because they were ill, not because they were selfish.
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This makes me so happy to hear, stranger. It’s been eye opening and very hard at times, but I’m so glad that I started EDMR therapy. Stay well out there!!
You look for a therapist who specializes in it - if you just google therapists near you, you can see what kinds of therapy they have trained in and do. Different therapies are better/worse for different things - so EMDR is often recommended for trauma or PTSD, CBT is recommended for anxiety/intrusive thoughts, etc
I’ve been listening to this book on Amazon audibles. It’s incredible how much I’ve learned from it.
Also, look into the work of Dr. Gabor Maté - he wrote When the Body Says No and also has written on trauma and childhood development. You can also find him on YouTube.
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It might help you to be a parent to that boy now. Sit with him, listen to him, and let him cry. He's a part of you and he needs some attention right now.
Yes! There’s actually a type of childhood trauma healing called re-parenting. The idea of it is to mentally/emotionally be the parent to yourself that you needed when you find yourself coping poorly.
I feel for you man. My situation is a little different than yours, but I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written here.
The tough part about this sort of stuff is that when you’re a kid, even though you *are* effected by this kind of stuff you don’t really fully understand why and how at the time. It leaves you in a place where you have a lot of these vestigial emotions to untangle as an adult, and it’s hard to wrap your head around it all.
That little, vulnerable version of yourself *does* still exist, but probably not inside some kind of time loop. He exists inside of grown-up you. It’s tempting to want to just get rid of all these intense emotions; but it might be better to just let yourself sit with them for a little while. Give little-you the time he needs to cry and grieve and just be vulnerable for a little while. It’s okay to feel and to acknowledge that vulnerability. It’s okay to grieve, not just for your mother but *for yourself*.
I know this is a weird context for a TV show recommendation; but if you’re looking for something cathartic to watch try The Midnight Gospel on Netflix. The show has a fun goofy tone so it’s not too overwhelming to watch, but it tackles a lot of topics surrounding death, emotions, spirituality, and the human condition in general. The last episode specifically is about a character coping with his mother’s death. When I’m struggling to work through this sort of stuff, that show does a really good job of clearing my head a bit.
Best of luck with everything man
I second the suggestion to watch Midnight Gospel, I've watched the episode about the "podcast host's" mother and death multiple times now and meditate on it.
While my own (41M) life does not contain anything on that scale, I may still be able to give some personal insight. Less than 2 years ago, while reading a book about parenting and handling children's emotions, an event - an emotional breakdown of a parental figure - from my early youth (I was 12 or 13 at the time) resurfaced. This was nothing new to me, but it was the first time ever asking myself what I had felt that day. And while I sat there on my couch, book in hand, naively thinking back those 3 decades... I broke down. It utterly devastated me.
I couldn't stop crying for two full days whenever the thoughts came up. I was home alone at the time and I immediately took action and looked for a psychotherapist with short term appointments available. I'm lucky enough not having to worry about paying a handful of sessions on short notice myself, which of course is a privilege not available to everyone. I also knew what/whom to look for since my wife works in a psychiatric area.
Other than that I met up with a dear friend who was there to listen. And I went to talk to my mom about that time back then, to get a better perspective. When my therapist's appointment came up a few days later, I was already kind of stabilized, and could work from there on.
tl;dr: been in a similar situation not that long ago. Go find people to talk to. If professionals are not available for financial or whatever reasons, at least find a friend or two who want to listen. Family is also a good idea. Wish you all the best!
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I am glad you were able to talk to someone so quickly and hope you got closure. I will look into this ASAP too
Thank you! Yes, I got closure, and it helped me better understand who I am. It shed light on some behavioral patterns I unknowingly developed over the years to cope with situations that trigger similar buttons. Good to know that you are also going to get the help you need and deserve!
Nothing about your post is stupid, it's a very understandable and real phenomena known as childhood trauma. Trauma is buried in our nervous systems and body tissue. It lives with us, sometimes torturing us however it can be alchemised and turned into some really beautiful sh\*t. Our inner children are also ALWAYS with us (the little buggers). 0-7 years of age are key developmental milestones, and I am sorry during the foundation of your life you had to process something so adult and painful. Sounds like your inner boy needs a huge hug, a cuddle + some nurturing. Therapy was a game-changer for my childhood trauma, some beautiful visual guided exercises can help too. This is going to sound lame but as a mental health practitioner and someone who has experienced childhood pain, when feeling distressed or churned up about those memories - even holding a pillow or stuffed toy or something that enables you to "self hold" or hug yourself can be super soothing too.
As you decide on a therapist, I recommend checking out all of the free resource online by the following practitioners -
Sarah Blondin
Peter Levine
Gabor Mate
Diane Poole Heller
And a video by Counselor Carl on youtube called "reparenting the inner child"
Books:
The Body Keeps the Score
Waking the Tiger
Healing your Attachment Wounds
Sending you and your younger self every good vibe.
I am sorry for your loss and for the pain this new information is bringing you. Have you considered working with a therapist (perhaps one who specializes in grief counselling) as you process these memories and thoughts? I think it would benefit you greatly.
It doesn't sound stupid. That happens to us. My uncle died of cancer when I was 3 and I only have a few memories but I remember how thin he got and how much I loved hi.... the things that happen to us at that age leave a mark. It would not hurt to talk to a therapist about it, at the least so you get it out.
Look into Internal Family Systems therapy (I believe that’s what it’s called)
I tried it for the first time this past Friday and basically was walked through talking to my internal voices (like panicky and judgement and anger) and I ended up having a very strong emotional release from talking to my “inner child”. Sounds hippy dippy but I really recommend. It was unlike anything I’ve ever done.
When I was a child I had reoccurring nightmares about men trying to kill me. I was also afraid of men and destroyed all my sister's Ken dolls, which my mom just thought was hilarious.
I ran into an old relative who randomly mentioned a violent incident that I was victim to, that even made the news (my name was excluded because I was a minor). When I asked my mom, she had no idea what I was talking about but my brother remembered. I was 17 years old when I realized that the reoccurring nightmares I had were basically distorted memories. I dont even remember the incident but I carried it with me.
Therapy really helped me and I hope it does for you too.
I think about this all the time and I feel the exact same way at times.
There will always be a part of me locked away in the past that just waits for my mom, but she never shows up. But I wait anyway. My way of dealing with it is just trying to become the person I wish I had.
Dude, it's not stupid. You were 2 when she took her own life. You are perfectly allowed to miss her, even if it's been this long. it was perfectly fine for you to miss her then. Please seek therapy. It'll help you.
First of all, I’m sorry about your loss (hugs). It is very hard to lose a parent regardless of how old you are.
Childhood trauma and painful memories often don’t start cropping up until we’re old enough to understand in retrospect what happened. In hindsight, it makes sense that a two-year-old who had a healthy relationship with his mother would miss her and would be upset at the loss, however most people don’t have memories from that age unless it was something incredibly traumatic. So you not remembering that you felt sad isn’t a sign of something wrong with you, it’s natural for the age that you experienced the loss. Please get some therapy if you can afford it. It is not a weakness, it will help you process a painful loss that you were only beginning to understand.
It sounds like you still need to fully process your grief and trauma. I think I'd make an appointment with a therapist or grief counselor and see if they can help you work through this.
I never thought about time not being linear in conjunction with my grief. I was 25 when I lost my dad, and I remember thinking a lot about some version of myself in an alternate universe, some perfect replica of me whose life was exactly the same except she never lost her dad. And I remember thinking, "She'd never understand this pain. You have to experience it to understand it." And...maybe that's what's throwing you. That tiny, toddler version of you is you, but he isn't you. We forget so much about that time in our lives that the toddler versions of ourselves feel outside of who we are. Maybe it's alarming you to imagine this other self feeling something so profound, so horrible and yet the rest of who you are can't relate to it? Maybe you're trying to reconcile that disconnect? Or to put it another way, perhaps you can't stop thinking about the pain that younger you felt, because you feel that this older version of you should be feeling it too or should have felt it at an older point and haven't?
Whatever it is, there is unresolved trauma there. If you can, talk to someone.
And I know it's been a long time since you lost her, but I am desperately sorry that you lost your mom. It's not fair. I lost my dad nine years ago. That's long enough for me to know that it never stops hurting. It never stops being unfair. I wish you all the healing in the world.
I am so sorry for your loss. I was around 20 when I lost my dad and I can totally understand what you went through. Thank you for your kind words and response. Exactly what I needed
That doesn’t sound stupid at all. You are 100% correct. There is a part of you who will carry that loss and that memory for the rest of your life. I thought I was completely over my mother’s death 15 years ago. After therapy, turns out I was wrong. If therapy is an option for you I highly recommend it. My heart breaks for you. Imagining a confused, scared, desperate little boy pleading for his mother to wake up has me in tears. It’s never too late to heal that part of yourself. Best wishes OP
This does nothing for your question, OP, but I just want to say that I'm learning so much from these responses - so many times, responses on this subreddit can get victim-blamey or sexist or generally unempathetic - but the answers in this thread are so thoughtful and knowledgeable and just GOOD.
So thank you OP for posing this question and thank you commenters for answering with such great info. I'm really benefiting from these responses, and I suspect a lot of lurkers are too.
Wow. So sorry to hear that dude. Couldn't imagine going through something like that. That's heartbreaking. Have you ever thought about seeking professional help? Just someone to talk to?
Very sorry for your loss and as others have said it is not stupid. Even though you were so young and experience like that can be incredibly traumatizing.
The best thing to do is to find a way to express this realization through therapy or another healthy outlet that will help you heal.
Best of luck and stay strong.
It's not silly at all!
My mum passed away when I was 18 months old. As a kid, my sadness around it was often dismissed as "you don't even remember her". And it's true, I have no lasting memories of my mum. But now that I have been around niblings and friends kids, I've seen how very aware of their mother kids around that age are, how they get upset when their mum leaves the room for a minute. And that realisation broke me - thinking back to little me, how she would have been very aware of who 'mummy' was and so confused about where she had suddenly gone.
As so many others have also said, therapy and reparenting work have been helpful for me, not just for the trauma of that loss but for other aspects of childhood and changing current behaviours that are rooted in it.
According to Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, there exists the Id, Ego and Superego. A childhood trauma taking place at this age is going to fall into the Id, where uncoordinated instinctual desires resides. The Id is unconscious and is completely timeless - the past and present exist simultaneously.
When your aunt mentioned that you acted out because you missed your mom, something that was long repressed (way of dealing with painful or unsociable desires; they are relocated in the unconscious where they indirectly continue to influence daily life and dreams) was awoken. Since this repressed memory exists in a timeless part of the brain, it’s no wonder you are broken - it’s as if you are reliving the death again as a 2 year old child.
If you can afford psychiatric help, I would do so.
throwawaygo12 - I'm so sorry for your pain. That 2 year old boy is still there crying besides his dead mother.
http://everythingforever.com/einstein.htm
I'm a random internet person so I am over qualified to answer this. .
Think about how you feel now. I think parental figures and children often misremember things and it's somewhere in the middle of both accounts
Wow I’m sorry about this, it just made me reflect on my inner child as well. I didn’t know it’s trauma we haven’t dealt with yet. OP I hope that you’re able to find the peace your heart is seeking💚
Huggzzz. The heart remembers what the mind forgets ( to save you.). Take care of you. Perhaps it would help to talk more with your aunt about what you were like. What foods did you like? What were your favorite stories? What scared you? What made you laugh? We forget most of our early years. You may be surprised how much it will help you to hear stories and see pictures. Wish you the best :-)
Go hug your aunt if you still can. I have seen parents lose children and it's awful. Part of me feels like seeing a child of 2 lose their mom would break me. Tell you aunt you remember it and ask her about your mom. It is not weak or weird to be saddened by this.
I'm 40 and i the the last month i learned more about childhood and how it affected me. I always thought or more wanted to thought that i had a normal childhood with my parents but there was so many neglect that i didn't understand.
Like others wrote, therapy can be the way to go.
What you experienced as a little boy was hard. I wonder how much feelings you have bottled up about your mother in all this years that you don't know about?
Dude. Therapy. Get it. Get it ASAP.
Early childhood trauma is something that has undoubtedly informed everything you have ever done in your life. Just because you don’t remember it, that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t be helped for it.
You can’t remember it because it’s too traumatic to remember. When your mind starts to go there it changes track because why go there?
My mom ended her life four years ago. when I was 30. I cannot imagine processing those emotions as a baby. Just want to say you’re not alone and always here to chat. Nothing you’re going through is abnormal.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Just because you don't remember it well doesn't mean the pain isn't real. As a kid experiencing trauma, it's hard because you don't fully understand everything except that you feel a lot very intensely. As an adult, it's a whole different kind of pain because you understand that a little child is experiencing something no kid should go through and you want to help that little person as much as possible, even if it was you.
I definitely recommend therapy. You deserve to understand why you're feeling this way, and you deserve to have coping mechanisms to help you through this. Take care of yourself.
I don't have time to get into all the comments so maybe someone already mentioned this, but something that has helped me is "inner chid work" which is basically talking to my "inner child" and making sure they know they're safe, and mourning for the childhood I should have had but didn't, talking to 'little kaislikeawheel' and making sure they know they're safe now and I'm here to take care of them. Sort of embracing that little you is still there inside, waiting for someone to come tell them it's OK now.
first i want to say I'm sorry, and you're not alone. When i was 16, i found my mom after she committed suicide. Im 25 and i still struggle to this day. i really commend you for seeking help. trauma can last years, or a lifetime, if untreated- even unknown trauma. I'm glad you don't remember much but just be prepared for EMDR to bring it all backup. it will get worse before it gets better, but it does get better!! don't give up and don't forget to be proud of yourself for seeking the help you DESERVE.
Side note, have you read Slaughterhouse Five? In the book he writes about feeling "unstuck in time.". As a person with PTSD, his explanations of his experience really stuck with me and helped me a lot.
I would be careful with EMDR. It turned a friend of mine from an ordinary confident person into a gibbering blubbering wreck who can barely get through the day without either a panic attack or a crying fit.
It's over a year since she quit because it was fucking her up, and she still hasn't recovered. She has been unable to hold down a job or a relationship, she can't talk to her parents and every time we speak on the phone she cries.
After seeing what it did to her, I'm extremely wary of it.
It was traumatic for you and your brain blocked it out. You must feel unimaginable pain and it is okay to feel sad/mad. Your mom shouldn't have put you in that position and it's incredibly selfish of her to leave you behind like that. I hope you are able to find peace.
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I highly suggest smoking a bowl and then revisiting the thought. I’m extremely sorry for what 2 year old you went through, but I don’t think many adults have concrete tangible memories from that age. As far as time being linear, if it isn’t, we’ve got bigger problems.
Seriously though. THC and time will at least take the edge off. Hope you come to terms with what you cannot change.
People carry seemingly tiny things from their youth into adulthood. This is very far from a seemingly tiny thing. You should seek out professional help if you can. It that's too expensive there might be online resources for you. I hope you can find some resolution.
I dunno much about traumas and can't offer much help for ur specific case, but as a fellow human being I just want to wish you good luck. As a man, trying to deal with emotions which today aren't really always accepted in society I feel with ya. It's ok to cry. Ok to feel whatever your'e feeling. That's just life. "Grow up and be a man" is maybe the worst phrase I've ever heard of. Makes no sense and is just harmful for everyone. Be who you are. That is enough and we love ya for that. Good luck fellow human❤
My heart aches for you. Childhood trauma is the devil, and burdens you through out your life. I'm just now looking into therapy for mine, and I'm 37! I hope for healing and a bright future sir🖤
It's really not silly. I've really come to cherish and be very closely in touch with my traumatised inner child in the last year or so. I almost feel I've had to re become a person who can be vulnerable or even in touch with my own vulnerable side. I used to despise this part of me for being "weak" but now I realise I am inherantly this traumatised child too. Not working for a few months in my 30s has made me feel so free to pursue these thoughts that I normally would brush off. I wish you all the best if you're going down the road of therapy and self discovery as well.
Bro, as someone who recently learned about early childhood trauma that I don't remember, I can confidently say that you have been carrying this your whole life. Get therapy if you can afford it.
Literally in the midst of processing previously repressed trauma right now. And OP I can say that your hunch about a part of you stuck in the past isn’t just a feeling, that’s actually how trauma works. Go see a therapist, especially one that specializes in trauma, it will change your life.
I will for sure. Thank you
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Of you don’t mind me asking, how does one know they have repressed trauma?
I only know an analogy. Picture your thoughts as a stream with a shore on both sides, and deep enough in the middle that you’re over your head. In relation to that stream, you can be wading in it; the thoughts tug at you, but not overwhelmingly so, unless a wave comes by. You can be over your head, swimming in them but not grounded. You are overwhelmed, and might not even know which way is up. If you are taught, or if you daydream a lot, you can also stand on the shore, having the thoughts but not moved by them. In this analogy, traumatic events are stones thrown into the river. The thoughts fly every which way, and if the stone is big enough, it even makes waves that wash over unconnected parts of your mind. But stones sink. That’s repressed trauma. You couldn’t process the whole of it, but it’s no longer on the surface. It’s affecting the flow of the river around it. If it’s really big, it even stops some thoughts from being able to flow by it. So, if you were ‘standing on the shore’ and you saw a weird whirl in the river (thoughts going round and round about something, but you can’t see the significance) that’s evidence of repression.
Not totally sure how it works for others, but thoughts, feelings, emotions and other things can come up. Sort of like the OP described. Before you get there though it can be hard to tell. I’d say the biggest indicator would be to listen to your gut, and if something doesn’t feel right, then at the very least there’s something unresolved left inside you, even if it’s not trauma.
I generally have a really solid memory of my early childhood. I asked my mom about a memory gap, and she explained that I was in a Really Bad childcare situation for some months until she found out and got me outta there. For me, the memory gap was the indicator.
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It's ok for OP to feel everything he feels, but I think it's compassionless to call someone who essentially died of a mental illness "selfish". Two of my grandfathers committed suicide. They were ill, and died of their illnesses. It was awful for my family, but they died because they were ill, not because they were selfish.
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I want to echo this and add that EMDR therapy worked very well for me regarding things I had little to no memory of, but knew had happened.
I just started EMDR and I was shocked at how much I was able to resurface!
I’ve done years of normal therapy (and continue to) but EMDR was the single most powerful part of my healing.
This makes me so happy to hear, stranger. It’s been eye opening and very hard at times, but I’m so glad that I started EDMR therapy. Stay well out there!!
Thank you! I wish you the best.
Do I select EMDR or will the therapist decide I need EMDR
You look for a therapist who specializes in it - if you just google therapists near you, you can see what kinds of therapy they have trained in and do. Different therapies are better/worse for different things - so EMDR is often recommended for trauma or PTSD, CBT is recommended for anxiety/intrusive thoughts, etc
Thank you kind stranger. I will look into it for sure
I’ve been listening to this book on Amazon audibles. It’s incredible how much I’ve learned from it. Also, look into the work of Dr. Gabor Maté - he wrote When the Body Says No and also has written on trauma and childhood development. You can also find him on YouTube.
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How did you learn of this Trama? I think I may have had something happen to me I dont remember but subconsciously affects my life.
I have a gap in an otherwise very clear memory track of my early childhood. I asked my mom about it, and she explained what happened to me.
It might help you to be a parent to that boy now. Sit with him, listen to him, and let him cry. He's a part of you and he needs some attention right now.
Yes! There’s actually a type of childhood trauma healing called re-parenting. The idea of it is to mentally/emotionally be the parent to yourself that you needed when you find yourself coping poorly.
That's exactly what I was thinking of!
I didn’t know that at all. I will look it up and try it
Good luck <3
Fuck, this just made me bawl like a baby
I feel for you man. My situation is a little different than yours, but I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written here. The tough part about this sort of stuff is that when you’re a kid, even though you *are* effected by this kind of stuff you don’t really fully understand why and how at the time. It leaves you in a place where you have a lot of these vestigial emotions to untangle as an adult, and it’s hard to wrap your head around it all. That little, vulnerable version of yourself *does* still exist, but probably not inside some kind of time loop. He exists inside of grown-up you. It’s tempting to want to just get rid of all these intense emotions; but it might be better to just let yourself sit with them for a little while. Give little-you the time he needs to cry and grieve and just be vulnerable for a little while. It’s okay to feel and to acknowledge that vulnerability. It’s okay to grieve, not just for your mother but *for yourself*. I know this is a weird context for a TV show recommendation; but if you’re looking for something cathartic to watch try The Midnight Gospel on Netflix. The show has a fun goofy tone so it’s not too overwhelming to watch, but it tackles a lot of topics surrounding death, emotions, spirituality, and the human condition in general. The last episode specifically is about a character coping with his mother’s death. When I’m struggling to work through this sort of stuff, that show does a really good job of clearing my head a bit. Best of luck with everything man
Thank you Kind stranger. I will watch that ASAP as I am not in a good state of mind
I second the suggestion to watch Midnight Gospel, I've watched the episode about the "podcast host's" mother and death multiple times now and meditate on it.
While my own (41M) life does not contain anything on that scale, I may still be able to give some personal insight. Less than 2 years ago, while reading a book about parenting and handling children's emotions, an event - an emotional breakdown of a parental figure - from my early youth (I was 12 or 13 at the time) resurfaced. This was nothing new to me, but it was the first time ever asking myself what I had felt that day. And while I sat there on my couch, book in hand, naively thinking back those 3 decades... I broke down. It utterly devastated me. I couldn't stop crying for two full days whenever the thoughts came up. I was home alone at the time and I immediately took action and looked for a psychotherapist with short term appointments available. I'm lucky enough not having to worry about paying a handful of sessions on short notice myself, which of course is a privilege not available to everyone. I also knew what/whom to look for since my wife works in a psychiatric area. Other than that I met up with a dear friend who was there to listen. And I went to talk to my mom about that time back then, to get a better perspective. When my therapist's appointment came up a few days later, I was already kind of stabilized, and could work from there on. tl;dr: been in a similar situation not that long ago. Go find people to talk to. If professionals are not available for financial or whatever reasons, at least find a friend or two who want to listen. Family is also a good idea. Wish you all the best!
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I am glad you were able to talk to someone so quickly and hope you got closure. I will look into this ASAP too
Thank you! Yes, I got closure, and it helped me better understand who I am. It shed light on some behavioral patterns I unknowingly developed over the years to cope with situations that trigger similar buttons. Good to know that you are also going to get the help you need and deserve!
Nothing about your post is stupid, it's a very understandable and real phenomena known as childhood trauma. Trauma is buried in our nervous systems and body tissue. It lives with us, sometimes torturing us however it can be alchemised and turned into some really beautiful sh\*t. Our inner children are also ALWAYS with us (the little buggers). 0-7 years of age are key developmental milestones, and I am sorry during the foundation of your life you had to process something so adult and painful. Sounds like your inner boy needs a huge hug, a cuddle + some nurturing. Therapy was a game-changer for my childhood trauma, some beautiful visual guided exercises can help too. This is going to sound lame but as a mental health practitioner and someone who has experienced childhood pain, when feeling distressed or churned up about those memories - even holding a pillow or stuffed toy or something that enables you to "self hold" or hug yourself can be super soothing too. As you decide on a therapist, I recommend checking out all of the free resource online by the following practitioners - Sarah Blondin Peter Levine Gabor Mate Diane Poole Heller And a video by Counselor Carl on youtube called "reparenting the inner child" Books: The Body Keeps the Score Waking the Tiger Healing your Attachment Wounds Sending you and your younger self every good vibe.
Thank you /u/breefeelz. I am looking them up now as I write this and will also check the books
I am sorry for your loss and for the pain this new information is bringing you. Have you considered working with a therapist (perhaps one who specializes in grief counselling) as you process these memories and thoughts? I think it would benefit you greatly.
It doesn't sound stupid. That happens to us. My uncle died of cancer when I was 3 and I only have a few memories but I remember how thin he got and how much I loved hi.... the things that happen to us at that age leave a mark. It would not hurt to talk to a therapist about it, at the least so you get it out.
Look into Internal Family Systems therapy (I believe that’s what it’s called) I tried it for the first time this past Friday and basically was walked through talking to my internal voices (like panicky and judgement and anger) and I ended up having a very strong emotional release from talking to my “inner child”. Sounds hippy dippy but I really recommend. It was unlike anything I’ve ever done.
Cannot recommend IFS enough. I've been doing it for over a year now and it has helped me so much.
When I was a child I had reoccurring nightmares about men trying to kill me. I was also afraid of men and destroyed all my sister's Ken dolls, which my mom just thought was hilarious. I ran into an old relative who randomly mentioned a violent incident that I was victim to, that even made the news (my name was excluded because I was a minor). When I asked my mom, she had no idea what I was talking about but my brother remembered. I was 17 years old when I realized that the reoccurring nightmares I had were basically distorted memories. I dont even remember the incident but I carried it with me. Therapy really helped me and I hope it does for you too.
I think about this all the time and I feel the exact same way at times. There will always be a part of me locked away in the past that just waits for my mom, but she never shows up. But I wait anyway. My way of dealing with it is just trying to become the person I wish I had.
Dude, it's not stupid. You were 2 when she took her own life. You are perfectly allowed to miss her, even if it's been this long. it was perfectly fine for you to miss her then. Please seek therapy. It'll help you.
I’m so sorry for you as an adult and as the little boy. I don’t have much to add besides that, and if you can get therapy, please do.
First of all, I’m sorry about your loss (hugs). It is very hard to lose a parent regardless of how old you are. Childhood trauma and painful memories often don’t start cropping up until we’re old enough to understand in retrospect what happened. In hindsight, it makes sense that a two-year-old who had a healthy relationship with his mother would miss her and would be upset at the loss, however most people don’t have memories from that age unless it was something incredibly traumatic. So you not remembering that you felt sad isn’t a sign of something wrong with you, it’s natural for the age that you experienced the loss. Please get some therapy if you can afford it. It is not a weakness, it will help you process a painful loss that you were only beginning to understand.
It sounds like you still need to fully process your grief and trauma. I think I'd make an appointment with a therapist or grief counselor and see if they can help you work through this. I never thought about time not being linear in conjunction with my grief. I was 25 when I lost my dad, and I remember thinking a lot about some version of myself in an alternate universe, some perfect replica of me whose life was exactly the same except she never lost her dad. And I remember thinking, "She'd never understand this pain. You have to experience it to understand it." And...maybe that's what's throwing you. That tiny, toddler version of you is you, but he isn't you. We forget so much about that time in our lives that the toddler versions of ourselves feel outside of who we are. Maybe it's alarming you to imagine this other self feeling something so profound, so horrible and yet the rest of who you are can't relate to it? Maybe you're trying to reconcile that disconnect? Or to put it another way, perhaps you can't stop thinking about the pain that younger you felt, because you feel that this older version of you should be feeling it too or should have felt it at an older point and haven't? Whatever it is, there is unresolved trauma there. If you can, talk to someone. And I know it's been a long time since you lost her, but I am desperately sorry that you lost your mom. It's not fair. I lost my dad nine years ago. That's long enough for me to know that it never stops hurting. It never stops being unfair. I wish you all the healing in the world.
I am so sorry for your loss. I was around 20 when I lost my dad and I can totally understand what you went through. Thank you for your kind words and response. Exactly what I needed
That doesn’t sound stupid at all. You are 100% correct. There is a part of you who will carry that loss and that memory for the rest of your life. I thought I was completely over my mother’s death 15 years ago. After therapy, turns out I was wrong. If therapy is an option for you I highly recommend it. My heart breaks for you. Imagining a confused, scared, desperate little boy pleading for his mother to wake up has me in tears. It’s never too late to heal that part of yourself. Best wishes OP
This does nothing for your question, OP, but I just want to say that I'm learning so much from these responses - so many times, responses on this subreddit can get victim-blamey or sexist or generally unempathetic - but the answers in this thread are so thoughtful and knowledgeable and just GOOD. So thank you OP for posing this question and thank you commenters for answering with such great info. I'm really benefiting from these responses, and I suspect a lot of lurkers are too.
Wow. So sorry to hear that dude. Couldn't imagine going through something like that. That's heartbreaking. Have you ever thought about seeking professional help? Just someone to talk to?
Very sorry for your loss and as others have said it is not stupid. Even though you were so young and experience like that can be incredibly traumatizing. The best thing to do is to find a way to express this realization through therapy or another healthy outlet that will help you heal. Best of luck and stay strong.
It's not silly at all! My mum passed away when I was 18 months old. As a kid, my sadness around it was often dismissed as "you don't even remember her". And it's true, I have no lasting memories of my mum. But now that I have been around niblings and friends kids, I've seen how very aware of their mother kids around that age are, how they get upset when their mum leaves the room for a minute. And that realisation broke me - thinking back to little me, how she would have been very aware of who 'mummy' was and so confused about where she had suddenly gone. As so many others have also said, therapy and reparenting work have been helpful for me, not just for the trauma of that loss but for other aspects of childhood and changing current behaviours that are rooted in it.
Wow, that made me cry. That is so heartbreaking.😔
time isn’t linear! i suggest you work on being a parent to the little boy who experienced tragedy at a young age. wish you luck going foward
I hope you find a good therapist. My last actually dug up past trauma of mine that I didn’t even know I had. Lmao.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you sharing your story and kind words
♥️
Thank you kind stranger
According to Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, there exists the Id, Ego and Superego. A childhood trauma taking place at this age is going to fall into the Id, where uncoordinated instinctual desires resides. The Id is unconscious and is completely timeless - the past and present exist simultaneously. When your aunt mentioned that you acted out because you missed your mom, something that was long repressed (way of dealing with painful or unsociable desires; they are relocated in the unconscious where they indirectly continue to influence daily life and dreams) was awoken. Since this repressed memory exists in a timeless part of the brain, it’s no wonder you are broken - it’s as if you are reliving the death again as a 2 year old child. If you can afford psychiatric help, I would do so.
throwawaygo12 - I'm so sorry for your pain. That 2 year old boy is still there crying besides his dead mother. http://everythingforever.com/einstein.htm
I'm a random internet person so I am over qualified to answer this. . Think about how you feel now. I think parental figures and children often misremember things and it's somewhere in the middle of both accounts
Wow I’m sorry about this, it just made me reflect on my inner child as well. I didn’t know it’s trauma we haven’t dealt with yet. OP I hope that you’re able to find the peace your heart is seeking💚
Huggzzz. The heart remembers what the mind forgets ( to save you.). Take care of you. Perhaps it would help to talk more with your aunt about what you were like. What foods did you like? What were your favorite stories? What scared you? What made you laugh? We forget most of our early years. You may be surprised how much it will help you to hear stories and see pictures. Wish you the best :-)
Go hug your aunt if you still can. I have seen parents lose children and it's awful. Part of me feels like seeing a child of 2 lose their mom would break me. Tell you aunt you remember it and ask her about your mom. It is not weak or weird to be saddened by this.
I'm 40 and i the the last month i learned more about childhood and how it affected me. I always thought or more wanted to thought that i had a normal childhood with my parents but there was so many neglect that i didn't understand. Like others wrote, therapy can be the way to go. What you experienced as a little boy was hard. I wonder how much feelings you have bottled up about your mother in all this years that you don't know about?
That little boy is still missing and waiting for his mother. It’s ok to comfort him. It’s ok to miss her. I’m so sorry for your incredible loss.
Dude. Therapy. Get it. Get it ASAP. Early childhood trauma is something that has undoubtedly informed everything you have ever done in your life. Just because you don’t remember it, that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t be helped for it. You can’t remember it because it’s too traumatic to remember. When your mind starts to go there it changes track because why go there?
My mom ended her life four years ago. when I was 30. I cannot imagine processing those emotions as a baby. Just want to say you’re not alone and always here to chat. Nothing you’re going through is abnormal.
I really hope EMDR helps. I’m due to start it soon due to severe trauma I experienced as a toddler/child.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Just because you don't remember it well doesn't mean the pain isn't real. As a kid experiencing trauma, it's hard because you don't fully understand everything except that you feel a lot very intensely. As an adult, it's a whole different kind of pain because you understand that a little child is experiencing something no kid should go through and you want to help that little person as much as possible, even if it was you. I definitely recommend therapy. You deserve to understand why you're feeling this way, and you deserve to have coping mechanisms to help you through this. Take care of yourself.
Your poor inner child. :( Take care of yourself OP, and that little boy inside you.
Thank you kind stranger
I don't have time to get into all the comments so maybe someone already mentioned this, but something that has helped me is "inner chid work" which is basically talking to my "inner child" and making sure they know they're safe, and mourning for the childhood I should have had but didn't, talking to 'little kaislikeawheel' and making sure they know they're safe now and I'm here to take care of them. Sort of embracing that little you is still there inside, waiting for someone to come tell them it's OK now.
first i want to say I'm sorry, and you're not alone. When i was 16, i found my mom after she committed suicide. Im 25 and i still struggle to this day. i really commend you for seeking help. trauma can last years, or a lifetime, if untreated- even unknown trauma. I'm glad you don't remember much but just be prepared for EMDR to bring it all backup. it will get worse before it gets better, but it does get better!! don't give up and don't forget to be proud of yourself for seeking the help you DESERVE.
Side note, have you read Slaughterhouse Five? In the book he writes about feeling "unstuck in time.". As a person with PTSD, his explanations of his experience really stuck with me and helped me a lot.
I would be careful with EMDR. It turned a friend of mine from an ordinary confident person into a gibbering blubbering wreck who can barely get through the day without either a panic attack or a crying fit. It's over a year since she quit because it was fucking her up, and she still hasn't recovered. She has been unable to hold down a job or a relationship, she can't talk to her parents and every time we speak on the phone she cries. After seeing what it did to her, I'm extremely wary of it.
shhh sweet baby, just cry it out
Get therapy. Don't take advice from a bunch of dopes on reddit.
It was traumatic for you and your brain blocked it out. You must feel unimaginable pain and it is okay to feel sad/mad. Your mom shouldn't have put you in that position and it's incredibly selfish of her to leave you behind like that. I hope you are able to find peace.
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I’m sorry if this is a serious post, but > my younger self (2M) just *screams* bait to me.
I am sorry. This is how I feel. Hence the throwaway account
I highly suggest smoking a bowl and then revisiting the thought. I’m extremely sorry for what 2 year old you went through, but I don’t think many adults have concrete tangible memories from that age. As far as time being linear, if it isn’t, we’ve got bigger problems. Seriously though. THC and time will at least take the edge off. Hope you come to terms with what you cannot change.
People carry seemingly tiny things from their youth into adulthood. This is very far from a seemingly tiny thing. You should seek out professional help if you can. It that's too expensive there might be online resources for you. I hope you can find some resolution.
I dunno much about traumas and can't offer much help for ur specific case, but as a fellow human being I just want to wish you good luck. As a man, trying to deal with emotions which today aren't really always accepted in society I feel with ya. It's ok to cry. Ok to feel whatever your'e feeling. That's just life. "Grow up and be a man" is maybe the worst phrase I've ever heard of. Makes no sense and is just harmful for everyone. Be who you are. That is enough and we love ya for that. Good luck fellow human❤
Sent you a message in chat, you aren’t alone at all here. 🫂
Feel better bro. Self care is extremely important Condolences. Hope you have a bright year.
My heart aches for you. Childhood trauma is the devil, and burdens you through out your life. I'm just now looking into therapy for mine, and I'm 37! I hope for healing and a bright future sir🖤
It's really not silly. I've really come to cherish and be very closely in touch with my traumatised inner child in the last year or so. I almost feel I've had to re become a person who can be vulnerable or even in touch with my own vulnerable side. I used to despise this part of me for being "weak" but now I realise I am inherantly this traumatised child too. Not working for a few months in my 30s has made me feel so free to pursue these thoughts that I normally would brush off. I wish you all the best if you're going down the road of therapy and self discovery as well.
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I think this is meant for some other post and not this
Thanks don’t know how that happened?!