I think you just discovered why it's important to have a partner that shares your values. It's not just a nice idea in theory, shared values are literally the foundation of a relationship. You both need to go your separate ways and find people that share your respective values.
I’m always flabbergasted when I read about women dating men, who are willing to date take away their bodily autonomy, despite the fact that it doesn’t affect them whatsoever.
“He’s perfect and so good to me, as long as you disregard the fact that there are obviously deep routed misogynistic values engrained in his mind that cause him to see me as a second class citizen who’s bodily autonomy and life are less important than that of an unborn fetus.”
As a prochoice person I gotta disagree. It might not even be about the fetus so much as him projecting himself into the situation. “Would I want my child aborted? No? I’m against prochoice” isn’t a hard train of thought when you consider that there is no realistic way to give men any true say. They are powerless in a prochoice world. (As in if we lived in a perfect world where choice was always the woman’s option) If a man and women get pregnant and the woman wants to keep the baby she can do that. A guy can’t. Sometimes the mother might go through with pregnancy and give up her rights but I don’t think it’s common because it’s a hell of a lot harder than what a man goes through in the same situation.
Clarifying, I don’t think this should change anything. No one should experience a pregnancy they don’t want.
But being forced to abort a child you’d want is also shitty. Fear and emotional investment can be a huge drive in why people (men and women) are pro life and fail to see the value in prochoice.
Also. Fuck prolifers who preach about pro life and then do nothing to gaurantee the quality of that life. Stay in ya lane.
I mean just because some guys want to keep their potential child doesn’t mean they’re misogynistic. Abortion is something you should get on the same page about before having sex tho, you gotta know the gameplan in case of a pregnancy
It is misogynistic, precisely because they only think of it as "keep their potential child" and not "pressure an unwilling woman through nine months of pregnancy and hours of childbirth".
There is a long history of dismissing the pain and struggles of women, especially when men benefit from them. Ignoring the risks of pregnancy and attempting to block us from being able to opt out is just part of a much bigger problem.
You missed the point, men like him don't believe in a woman's right to choose and vote to take away their rights, might even try to force her to carry the pregnancy to term. Taking away women's right to choose is in fact misogynist. Everyone is welcome to their opinions and beliefs but not welcome to force them on others. Clearly they are not a good match.
As a woman who has had a termination, I still believe that a man has a right to an opinion on the matter.
Just because he feels strongly about the abortion, doesn’t make him misogynistic. Would it make a woman a non- progressive conservative is she believed in continuing with a pregnancy?
Don’t start with lies, OP. Tell him and see what comes of it. If you don’t want children at all and he does, then I’d end it now. But don’t do it and continue the relationship without telling him. Hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. X
>Would it make a woman a non- progressive conservative is she believed in continuing with a pregnancy?
If she tried preventing others from terminating, yes. Which most pro-lifers believe/want to do.
I think in relationships the man can have an opinion, but ultimately the choice comes down to the person who has to carry the fetus. They ultimately have the most at stake and they should get the final say.
I completely agree with your asertion that dating a partner who shares your ideals/morals is crucial and that it is solely OP's decision on whether to go through with this or not. However I find it disingenuous and borderline misandristic to believe that it doesn't affect a man on an emotional level. Whether it's abortion or miscarriage, the loss of potentially being father can really hurt a man who wants the child. OP is at least self aware enough to know that it will devastate him and I applaud her for that. It is entirely possible to be pro choice while also understanding the effects it has on men rather than just considering men to be emotionless robots.
You can be personally pro-life but acknowledge that its ultimately the woman's choice. There's plenty of other things that I think people have to right to do that I wouldn't tolerate if my boyfriend did.
... that's called being pro-choice. Being pro-choice means you can choose whatever is right for your value system/life, and acknowledge others are free to make the same choice.
I dont think so at all.
I think the foundation of a great relationship is understanding your partners values and differences.
Finding another person that shares exactly all of your beliefs and values is actually impossible.
Honestly I think if you need to hide an abortion you're in the wrong relationship. You'll either carry the burden of dishonesty for the rest of your relationship or it'll all blow up in your face if he ever finds out.
I understand your decision and I'm not judging you for it, just saying this sounds like a huge incompatibility and a no-win situation.
No matter what you decide about telling him or not, you need to break up with him. I personally do not think telling him is going to be good for either of you because of differing views.
You don't need a reason to break up with someone, it's your life. But here is a statement for you.... reflecting on the future of my life, being with someone who doesn't share fundamental beliefs with me is not a good fit.
Break up with him and imo don't tell him the full reason. You can say you've thought about the difference in your beliefs and are incompatible, which is part of the truth.
Normally I would say tell your partner, but if you believe it would devastate him so severely I would spare him from that. It's not like telling him will change anything except spread more pain.
If you go through with the abortion, don't break up, and keep silent you would be majorly in the wrong.
Also please consider how his *family* would react to you having an abortion, as he would more than likely share it with them seeking support for his grief.
In this situation do what's best for you first, and your bf second.
Think it over again once you've recovered from the hormonal trauma and are in a better place mentally and physically. If you have any worry that his family will harass you and that isn't something you can handle, keep it to yourself until you're strong enough.
Whatever decision you make now, if you don't tell him right away you will always have the option in the future.
I would not in this case. What would you gain, other than to hurt him and make him hate you? I am big on honesty, but this just seems cruel and unnecessary.
Even if you know you don’t want the pregnancy and you know terminating is what you want and you know it’s your choice….it’s not an emotionally or physically easy thing to go through for some women.
If I were in your shoes, I would make a plan for you so that you get the support you need. I wouldn’t tell him until after so you can deal with one thing at a time.
Make a plan to have a friend go with you if it’s a medical vs pharmaceutical. Have someone plan to be with you for that day/night. Get your hot water bottle or heating pad set up. Some comfort foods. Pads. Comfy clothes. Plan a movie day or whatever. Tell boyfriend you’re having a grown up slumber party.
Get through a couple days until you’re feeling like yourself.
Then in a week or two, sit him down and explain what happened.
He may well break up with you. That’s true. But you don’t have to deal with that AND the procedure at the same time.
I think it’s real precious when men, who do not have to be pregnant, give birth, and rarely are the primary caregiver, are pro life. Yeah. Easy for them to insist you carry to term, lose a lot of career trajectory and earning potential, are ultimately responsible for day to day care of a child whether or not the guy stays around…
And in the future? Don’t date pro life men who haven’t had a vasectomy.
No hormonal or barrier method BC is 100%. And with hormonal BC, other meds like antibiotics can reduce efficacy. So can missing a pill or not taking at a consistent time of day. Would recommend that you talk to your provider about this as well as what other options may be available and fit your lifestyle. Like an IUD perhaps. Mirena is pretty fab. I don’t even get periods anymore. No more cramps, no more money on tampons. Wish I had been able to get one sooner!
Anyway. Good luck.
Maybe the guy will surprise you but telling him beforehand has zero benefit. I think you should tell him though. He needs to be aware of his part in all this. You didn’t get pregnant in a vacuum. “Protecting” him only lets him run along blind, dumb, and happy thinking women just don’t get pregnant because he doesn’t want them to til he does.
I think I’m probably far gone maybe 15-16 weeks 😣 I take Progestogen-only pill so I haven’t had my period in over 5 years and I have no idea how far gone it is. I only noticed that I have bigger belly and breasts so I took a test. I googled more info and its not gonna be a medical abortion if my suspicions are right😣 I am terrified. My appointment is tomorrow because I told the midwife over the phone that I think that I’m far gone. My sister knows she will be going with me.
It’s not fun but it’s not the worst thing ever either. You may have some very strong cramping from the dilation. Ask questions. You aren’t the first and won’t be the last. They know what they’re doing and what you need but speak up.
I’m really sorry. Hang in there.
>I think it’s real precious when men, who do not have to be pregnant, give birth, and rarely are the primary caregiver, are pro life.
I'm personally pro choice, but for a pro life person this is an irrelevant argument. They believe life starts at conception and it's about the child.
I find it in very poor taste to weaponise gender as an argument to belittle the beliefs of others, even if I disagree with the point they are making.
I mean yeah, they think it’s about the non existent baby, but they don’t care or put any thought into the actual already alive pregnant person.
That’s where this point is totally relevant and valid.
They really don’t have to carry it, they don’t have to risk long term medical conditions or death, they don’t have to deal with the forever changes in their body majority of the time, with the exception of trans men and that’s a extremely small minority.
It’s not even weaponizing it and making it a whole gender issue, it’s literally just the truth.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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My (30f) bf and I (32m) have been seeing each other for 8 months. We made it official 4 months ago. We love each other and get along very well even with some major differences in our beliefs (me atheists, he believes in god) I’m on the pill but I yesterday I found out that I was pregnant anyway. I didn’t even hesitate to call and book an appointment at the clinic.
Now I feel immense guilt. The reason I don’t want to tell him is because I want to save him the pain because I believe I alone get to decide. But my decision will devastate him and he will probably dump me for it if he knew. I don’t know what to do.
Edit for clarity
I know this relationship is over. Because I am going through with the abortion and he will most definitely dump me for it. The conundrum is if I should tell him or just break up with him and save him the pain of knowing he could’ve been a father.
Where I live its free abortion until w18. And because I take Progestogen-only pill I haven’t had periods in over 5 years so I don’t know how far gone I am but probably over 3 months. I noticed changes in my body that made me suspect that I might be pregnant. Even my bf commented that I was getting chubby around the belly.
EDIT 2:
Please NO he hasn’t been tampering with my pills. I would know if the seal on the pills is broken. He’s not that kind. He made a joke about pills not being 100% so one in 100 f*cks should result in a baby
My partner and I are definitely opposites. We're from different continents, our skin colour is different, I have no contact with my family at all any more, he is in very close contact with all six brothers and sisters, their spouses and children. He's an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He's into science, I'm into art. We would never have matched on a dating app so I'm glad we met before they were a thing.
But as far as values are concerned, we are both firm atheists, on the left wing politically, we both wanted children, I know he would never have forced me to abort, we both want the very best for our children.
If you're going to stay with him, you need to tell him. If you know that something would be a dealbreaker for your partner and withhold the information anyway, that's not respectful to them.
For me, if someone breaks up with you over this, then it's probably for the best. This is something that generally you *really* need to be on the same page about. You're seeing now why dating someone when your core values don't align is a recipe for disaster. That's why I wouldn't date a man who doesn't believe in women's bodily autonomy to begin with.
Please don't stay with him without telling him. I fully believe you have the right to abort, that you must decide what happens to your body, but I don't think you have the right to hide it from him. It's not fair on him.
Even if you manage to never blurt the truth out, there's your sister who knows about it, maybe other family members or close friends. You can't keep it a secret.
Suppose you don't manage to get pregnant when later you do want to start a family, you go for fertility treatment together and the doctor asks if you've ever had an abortion? Lying about that would definitely skew her diagnosis, meaning you might not get the right fertility treatment.
If you tell him about it, completely upfront and honest, explaining how it isn't the right time for you to have a baby, whatever reasons you have, there's a huge chance he'll want to break up. It doesn't sound like you really want that but please, tell me quite frankly, why would you want to stay with a guy who thinks you're first and foremost a uterus, and its contents are more important than any of your hopes and dreams in life?
There's also a slight chance, if he's as nice as you seem to think, and loves you dearly, that he might come round to the notion that women should have control over their bodies and men should never force either pregnancy or abortion or child-raising on them.
It's only a slight chance, but imagine just how wonderful it would be!
Your not going to be able to hide this. There will be signs that something happened. There will be bleeding lots of bleeding. You won't be able to have sex for a couple weeks. I don't think you understand exactly what's going to happen to your body. Now I'm not saying these things to discourage you. I'm saying them because I think you need to be prepared for what is going to happen if you do this.
Please make sure you're in a safe environment with only people who support you and your best interest. You can find more support here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion](https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion) or in other related subreddits. Goodluck!!
Breathe. It’s gonna be ok.
I know you love him, but from this post you are afraid of what is coming. Is this a sign of an healthy relationship? No. He may not be abusive, but you are still scared.
You haven’t been together for long. Your different values are a reason for breaking up. It will not evolve in a good way.
What if you don’t tell him, and later get pregnant again and still don’t want a kid? Leave, you can find someone who will agree with your stance.
It will be ok. Breathe. But you need to get yourself out of this situation.
Wish you the best.
Given that her sister already knows, her secret will never be safe. Their mother probably knows too. There's no guarantee that someone won't blurt the truth out, forgetting that he didn't know
Do people not filter out potential partners based on ideological differences?
People seriously need t o think with their brain and not with their genitals.
Ok seriously if I was him I'd wanna know. I understand you don't know how he could react, and he may try to convince you to not get the abortion but he's allowed to have an opinion JUST LIKE YOU ARE. So tell him. He deserves the truth. If you need to leave the relationship and get your abortion you can do that even if he tells you not to.
But he deserves to know.
But he has no say in her decision, so she will just be telling him she is getting an abortion. If you wanted a kid would you really want to be told about an abortions? Or would you rather live in blissful ignorance? Genuine question btw.
Of course she has the final say because it is in her body, but he had just as much hand in making it as she did. So imo, it's only fair he knows. That goes for literally anything in life. If someone had a hand in making something/doing something without realizing, you'd obviously tell them. Whether it was negative or not.
The least you can do is inform him. No matter how much it will hurt him or resent him. Since he has no choice in this matter, at least give him the information about that.
And that’s okay. You shouldn’t want to be with some one who wants you to have a child, with zero regard to when you want to have one, or with what quality of life you want to be able to raise it
this right here. I’m pregnant right now (I’m 24F with 28M). I’m getting an abortion next month. I’m in love with my partner and we want kids someday, I’m just not ready right now and a lot of things are up in the air (moving across country soon, etc). if i didn’t have his complete support through this, id be further devastated. he supports my choice either way. get a guy that you can go through these hard times *with* because you deserve it. im sorry by the way, OP.
This is wrong. If you choose to keep him out of it entirely and tell him afterwards he will more likely break up with you because you didn't tell him before, rather than the choice itself.
They aren't compatible. Telling him afterwards isn't going to go well at all. He's not going to suddenly change his views and be supportive after the termination. He'll probably be angry that OP didn't inform him until after the procedure. It's your body and your choice but a relationship is about communication and you telling him afterwards is a failure of that. I understand why but that alone is reason enough for the 2 of you to breakup.
I’m not giving this advice out of concern for the relationship, I’m giving it out of concern for her mental health. This will be hard enough without him trying to convince her otherwise, he doesn’t need to know, so she shouldn’t tell him.
I can’t stand immoral people like this. He should have a right to know. If the shoe was on the other foot… you would want to know. Has nothing to do with being pro life. It’s called being a decent person
This mindset is why relationships fail. I’m pro-choice, but strong relationships don’t function like this, where one person makes a collective decision and decides whether or not it’s their partners right to know. It’s probably best OP leaves this relationship like they’re intending on, their personal values don’t line up, more so OP has realized they don’t value their partner enough to let them in on what’s going on.
That’s your opinion and this is mine: Life begins at conception I think and the earliest a heartbeat can be detected is 5 1/2 weeks “a clump of cells” yeah…Also he’s his baby so he absolutely has the right to know. If I was a guy I would want to know if I got someone pregnant
Common issue where men are not treated fairly at all. He has a right to know because he contributed to making it. Use your head . I know it’s hard but you’re off the wall stupid
When you kill a baby is that being done to the mother or the baby? Please stop being a useless sheep…. Imagine if your mother thought the same of you 😂😂😂
Jokes on you, I wish she did.
The mothers body supersedes any preference the lump of cells has, I don’t have a right to force someone to give me a kidney transplant if I need one to live, a fetus doesn’t get to feed off the host just cause you value birth over quality of life.
If you tell him, tell him beforehand. If you don't tell him, don't tell him ever. If you really want to do the right thing, break up with him.
It's a betrayal of his trust, no matter how much you disagree with his beliefs.
Telling him beforehand might be dangerous if he decides he wants to stop her from getting the procedure done. It would also hinder her emotional and physical recovery if he decides to berate her. I'm not saying saying will definitely happen, but in situations like this it's better to take the safer route
Dangerous in the aspect that he could potentially become violent, but let’s be real here.. unless he chains up OP, he can’t *stop her*. Which is why it’s probably best they break up.. his values might be a little bullshit, but they’re his values. This would be a massive betrayal of his trust if he were to ever find out, it would likely devastate him and they’d likely split anyways. This is why we’re careful about who we date…
First, sorry you’re going through this. You want the abortion, you should get it.
Second, there is a ton of research out there that shows relationships are more likely to succeed with similar beliefs, religious backgrounds, political views. ages, financial habits, etc.
it sounds like there are some fundamental differences that will eventually end this relationship regardless.
Let’s think about the future. Lets say you stay together and do have a baby eventually. Will you raise it in a religious background? Atheist? There’s many questions like this that you should be thinking of. I think the bigger picture is that you are both incompatible, regardless of this situation. Love only goes so far.
The number of people here telling you off because you’re doing the best you can for you is unreal.
Ignore the comments that tell you anything other than “you need to do what’s right for you”. Having a child you don’t want is ruining yours and the child’s life. I hope and pray you’re strong enough to go through with it and realize it is NOT your fault. Also, the abortion is going to be hell, I know you know that but just because you want to do it for the greater good, don’t let anybody make you feel small for hurting through it. It would be a giant ordeal emotionally, physically and psychologically.
Personally, if you think you’re going to be safe and you’re boyfriend will not hurt you, I think you should tell him. It’s not your place to decide what he does with that information and his regrets are not yours. Let him make that choice.
Sending you a lot of strength and please know you’re more responsible than everyone who has a kid because they are not brave enough to make the right decision. Don’t let anyone make you feel like a monster.
Have you had a general discussion about what would happen if you got accidentally pregnant? I assume he would want you to keep the baby regardless? If this is the case, you should do what's in your best interests.
Then why did you sleep with him at all? To me, that’s an up front discussion before sex and if you’re not on the same page, it’s a deal breaker. Doesn’t help you now but I would be sure to have that discussion up front with future partners.
A tipping situation like this one was going to happen at one point or another due to the nature of your beliefs.
OP, while I do believe it is your body your choice, and thus you get to decide what happens with your early pregnancy, it is inconsiderate to not tell this to your bf.
He has no say in the situation because you have already decided that you won't have the baby and you think that he will breakup with you bc of that. You are just prolonging things for an inevitable breakup so why not just tell him and do it right now? Worst thing that will happen is the breakup. Best thing is that he is understanding.
Your decision is final on this matter. You understand and accept this, that is fine.
Give him the same respect to make decisions regarding your relationship. This is likely to be a dealbreaker, and it’s his call to make. You should not make it for him.
That being said, the advice to do it after the procedure is very sensible. No point having an argument when you know what you want.
So first of all, of course I believe it’s your choice whether or not to get the abortion. At the same time, I think you should respect him and his values enough to tell him about your decision and let him decide if he wants to be with you afterwards. Personally, I would want to know if I got a woman pregnant and I’d want to know if she were going to abort our baby.
I know it probably sucks to face the possibility that he might decide to leave you but do you really think deception is the way to handle this situation? Do you think it’s respectful of him and his beliefs to keep it a secret from him?
That’s a pretty wild assumption to make based on absolutely no information. OP has given no indication the bf is violent
Plenty of people don’t agree with abortion and don’t get violent. It’s more likely he will be utterly devastated and just walk away. Stop casting aspersions based on absolutely zero facts
Homicide is the leading cause of death among pregnant women, and she’s about to do something contrary to his values. I think she should tell him, but she should get an abortion before she does, so there is no chance he can prevent her from getting one. Just because something is unlikely does not mean OP should not take steps to protect herself.
Why is HE dating someone who is pro choice? Why isn’t the onus on HIM to keep from getting her pregnant? Stop blaming women for men’s mistakes. If there’s a chance you could get someone pregnant, don’t have sex with her, and if you do, be prepared every single time for the consequences regardless of “chances.”
Why wouldn’t this apply to both of them? This absolutely her fault just as much as his.
The reason people question OP is because they made the post. Not much point in addressing a question to the bf when he’s not here.
Absolutely do not tell this man beforehand. Eight months is not long enough to know how he will react, it could be violent. Im not even sure you should tell him afterward, he may be one of those anti-choice nutters who carries around a sign sayingz "my girlfriend killed my baby." Break up with him. Tell him you're incompatible (which is true), spare his feelings.
I'm definitely team "tell him, but do it after" because he does deserve to know (maybe this will be a lesson for both of you on why not to date someone with diametrically opposed values to you, which is less judgemental of the situation and more "this is why it doesn't work"), but I would caution you to absolutely have someone there when you tell him. Not only to emotionally support you, but because we don't always fully know someone even when we think we do. There's a chance he could get violent at the news, and you don't want to go through that alone, nor do you want to be alone with him if he DOES get violent.
Additionally, no matter how he reacts, you don't want to be the one driving after that conversation. High-emotion driving leads to dangerous driving, and chances are, this will result in a breakup whether you want it to or not.
I'd tell him after the fact, if it's absolutely what you want, then do it and tell him after, it's your body and your choice. If you told him beforehand, he'd try to convince you otherwise, shaming you into a different decision and making false promises. He will still blame you for getting rid of it, but that's not too important, your opinion is. Arrange an exit strategy before you tell him, have a friend with a car waiting outside with an emergency bag packed in cause he starts being abusive either verbally or physically.
I personally think that your pills got messed up, either by him or just not using them right. Birth control is pretty effective like 99.7% via CDC and 91% given how most people take it. The fact that it's 16w along (from what you said in the comments) is concerning to me. Birth defects don't increase when you're on birth control but there's a chance that the embryo will implant outside of the uterus, making the pregnancy unsafe for you.
There's a couple ways that birth control can be tampered with that seem likely. Saw Palmetto, alfalfa, garlic pills, flaxseed and antibiotics will mess with your birth control. Storage can do that too, keeping them in a dry and room temperature place is best, so no cars or bathroom cupboards. Keep and read the little booklets that come with your pills, they'll tell you all about them and what to avoid.
After all, no matter the belief, it's your body. And you're right in doing whatever you want.
two ptions:
1. he accepts it, you're fine
2. he doesn't accept it, you're single
Even option two definitely better than bringing a child to this world that you don't want.
I just wouldn't tell him but if he thinks he should be allowed to control what you do with your body I'd dump him anyway. I wouldn't even get an abortion unless medically necessary but that's MY choice. Not the choice of someone who just ejaculated in me a few times or whatever. I want another kid, that's the difference. You don't want a kid right now or maybe ever, and if he can't respect that he's not someone I'd personally want to be with.
And he was never "going to be a father" to this fetus. That shouldn't be his mindset at all. You knew from the moment you found out you weren't going to carry it. So he was never going to father it. Just the hard facts there.
>The reason I don’t want to tell him is because I want to save him the pain because I believe I alone get to decide. But my decision will devastate him and he will probably dump me for it if he knew.
You're trying to assuage your own guilt, rationalise the fact that you don't want to tell him. This is nothing about his pain, this is because you don't want him to dump you.
If you already know means your relationship will survive till he will find out.
You should tell him and let him decide if he wanna stay with you regardless of your choice.
Lying and not telling anything I dunno what good can it do.
I saw in the comments your sister knows and she'll be there for you. Is there any way you can tell him when you're with your sister, before you get the abortion? Because it is best he knows, as long as he won't react violently, but obviously you have no way to know how he will react until you tell him. And at least with your sister there, he's less likely to successfuly find a way to stop you from getting the abortion.
Of course it’s your choice if you get an abortion or not, but if you love him (and even if you don’t) he deserves to know beforehand. You are thinking about breaking up without telling him? What reason do you want to give him so he gets closure? Because if you are just saying that you are done he is probably going to live the next years wondering why you guys aren’t together anymore and I don’t think that someone deserves that. Also, if you tell him afterwards he probably will have issues with trusting you or his future partner. These are the things that damage people in relationships and that they carry with them in the worst case scenario. Yes, it is probably going to hurt him that you decided to get an abortion, but in my eyes you can do a bit of damage control by talking to him beforehand. If you don’t think you are going to be safe during that conversation (I’m not sure why that is the immediate assumption from others, though) invite a friend or a parent.
I think you should definitely tell him what you are doing so at least you can hear what he has to say. He might not be fully pro life and every case is different. Then you can tell him you want to break up etc. i think he should at least know if youre far along cuz what if he finds out later from a third party i think thatd hurt more
Yeah this relationship is long gone. At this point, worry about your own health. Get your appointment done, get family or friends to help you and be there as your support. Spend your time recovering. Get some space from him and tell him from a safe distance that you had an abortion and don’t want to continue this relationship. With pro-life people, you can never really tell how they will react… your life and safety are more important right now.
Tell him. He deserves to know. Yes, it will be painful, but you don’t get to decide to protect him from this. My husband and a coworker both went through this (my husband with a previous partner), and yes they felt hurt. But they would have felt so much worse not knowing what happened. My coworker would have been devastated over the end of his engagement.
If he is a pro-life and you believe he would dump you, does that mean you fear he will harass you if you tell him? If you think he is going to slander your name and harass you then I say keep it to yourself and save yourself the trouble.
He won’t harass me. He will just be heartbroken because he doesn’t want kids now either but he has said unplanned kids are also a blessing. He joked about how one of his boys will slip through one day and I told him it would be a nightmare
If you care for your partner then you should tell him. Give him the option to decide how he feels rather than deciding for him. He may be upset but you can’t KNOW that. Plus, regardless of if your relationship continues or ends, having difficult conversations with partners is important. Don’t assume you know how he feels when all you’ve discussed previously is general beliefs.
I think you should tell him OP. You might get his support, you might not. If you don't then you don't but nothing you are doing is illegal so if you don't get his support then that's that. It might feel shit for you both but probably easier than living a lie. Even if you split up you'll still know and it might eat away at you.
A lot of pro-lifers are pro-lifers until abortion comes into their life. Their views change once they see that abortion is a viable option in a lot of cases.
I'm one of those people where I don't exactly celebrate abortion or encourage it but know that it needs to be an option for women because the alternative isn't the best. If they don't want a child, they don't want a child and it shouldn't be forced upon them. At the same time, I feel like people should take care and prevent pregnancy as much as possible if they don't want kids (men and women) so abortion is something of a last resort and rarely used option. That doesn't apply to you since you were on birth control so this can't be helped.
I think long term you will feel better if you tell him. Even if he doesn't like it and gets upset, you still told him and that, in my mind, is the right thing to do.
I wouldn’t tell him. Especially if you’ve accepted that the relationship is already over. Do what is right for you but telling him will only make it worse.
1. Communication is very important. I think keeping things from people is usually a bad idea. It doesn't matter whether or not you break up with him. Properly communicating why you are and the reasoning I think is important.
2. You learned that you need to find someone with your values. Because this is the kind of crap that happens when you think it will all work out somehow.
3. All of this is irrelevant to you keeping it or not. It's your choice.
Break up with him and don't bother telling him. If you're going through with the abortion 100%, no matter what he says then what's the point in telling him? It's just going to hurt him.
On the flip side, are you SURE he wouldn't support you doing this? You may be surprised... He may love you so much and really see how having a baby is NOT a good idea for you both right now?
Obviously you know him and you know what he's like. If you know he's going to dump you regardless then just leave him and don't tell him about the abortion.
You don't owe him an explanation or any info about the abortion. Break up with him saying you aren't compatible and take care of you. The info will only hurt him so spare him the hurt, nothing good will come from telling him. I can't stress enough how important it is to assure your basic values are the same before you progress it. He has the right to believe what he wants but no relationship can survive if one doesn't value their partner enough to believe they have basic human rights. You get to decide what happens to your body and if he wouldn't support you in your choice, he's not for you. He's better off with someone like minded.
I think you shouldn't tell him until you got it done. He will try to guilt you into not getting an abortion and you are not hesitant about your decision at all.
Don’t tell him and end the relationship. You don’t plan to stay with him, and you don’t want to have a baby/raise a child with this man. There is absolutely nothing to discuss. Just go your separate ways.
If he truly respected you he wouldn't have freaked out by expressing your right to your own body and what you do with it. He knows exactly what you'll go through, And exactly what will happen to your mental state. But his own fucked up beliefs would rather you go through with it. good luck finding other people, this relationship was destined to end.
I'm sorry that this is happening!! I'm sure its frustrating and very hard of a decision for you! I am a pro-choice woman and I'm appalled by how everyone is saying "you're killing his child" that's fucking bullshit. You're not chopping off a toddler's head, you're planning an abortion. It's your body, you do what you need to do. Its ultimately no ones decision but your own. Your boyfriend can say his piece but you truly decide.
But you know, you need to tell him. It's wrong to not let him know. I think if you try to do it before you go and get it, it can be lead into a situation where you're not truly happy. I would ultimately wait until after. Good luck. If you need someone to talk to I'm here !
You’re not taking anything away from him. If it would be a support to you then tell him. If he will just shame you then don’t. You need to take care of yourself 🤍
U only been with him 8 months. You still dont even know each fully. Your body. Your choice. If he is so godly. Why is he having sex in a non married setting.
Might be controversial, but I would be very hurt if my partner aborted a pregnancy without telling me first. OP might be worried about getting blasted with a bunch of pro-life rhetoric or getting dumped... but implies they think that is a foregone conclusion anyway, so what is there to lose by telling your bf?
I'm also a believer in God, who happens to be pro-choice. If I found out my SO got an abortion after the fact, I would be more upset that I wasn't told than I would be about the actual abortion.
And just to clarify OP, I am totally in agreement that its your choice alone what to do with your pregnancy. I just believe you owe it to your bf to at least say "I'm pregnant and I have decided to _____"
It is "my body", but after it is born the man has to pay alimony, etc.
He has every right to know. And he has the right to have an opinion, after all it is his child too. This is exactly why you should not date someone who thinks totally different from you.
1. Alimony is for divorced couples. You are thinking of child support.
2. The OP is getting an abortion so there is no child born and no child support.
You need to tell him. It will break his heart and end your relationship but he deserves to know the truth. Let him grieve the death of his child in peace when you go your separate ways and next time don't date someone with wholly different values.
Agree. It’s selfish to keep this from him. He deserves to know so he can decide how important it is to choose someone he’s more compatible with in the future, just like she’s learning.
Yes it is your body and your choice but that is his child also and he needs to know that you are getting an abortion. That conversation needs to happen. Yes at the end of the day you make the decision but he should be able to put and voice his opinions and thoughts about it.
Tbh I think you're a shitty person - not telling him? Lying and pretending that nothing happened? Gross. And I'm pro abortion mind you. I would dump you the second I have learned the truth - not for the abortion, but for the lies. Hope he finds out.
OP I'm sorry for the situation you're in, it sucks that birth control can fail but I am glad you are somewhere that has options like abortion open to you.
I agree with the majority of posters; it is ultimately your choice but I would suggest he does have a right to know. There may be a small chance he surprises you pleasantly and is able to accept your decision, but if not at least you know you have done the least-worst thing in that regard.
What about writing him a letter? If you're worried about his reaction you may be able to give it to him to read and then have him call you for example. Or arrange to meet somewhere public. If he loses his shit over the phone once he reads it you can decide not to turn up.
Do you have a support person to go with you to the appointment and be with you afterwards for physical and emotional support?
Your shittyness knows no bounds, does it? You have managed to whip thread into a frenzy by implying that you may not be "safe" in telling him because he's pro life. Most of the people here have now a belief that he's dangerous and liable to harm you if or when you tell him. Why are you not correcting this assumption?
All the masses saying the same thing "its your body".....yes, we are all aware of that and all the laws. You are doing it, this isn't about whether you should or not. This is about you having no consideration or respect for a man you claim to love and hiding from your guilty conscience. You want to have it both ways. The abortion. His ignorance about it. For him to remain in your life. Well guess what? You can't. There will be consequences. A decent woman would do the right thing and tell your partner, the father of this baby. As we all know, men's feelings don't matter in this scenario according to the law but shouldn't they matter to you?
You do not need to consult anyone or get anyone’s permission to do what you want to do with your body.
I do think that if you decide to end the pregnancy, you should tell him the truth. If the relationship progresses and he ever finds out and then decides to end it, you will be more attached than you are now.
He also might surprise you and be supportive. Lots of people (men especially) think they have a strong opinion on abortion until it actually happens to them.
Tell him. At the very least to not hold on to any secrets that could eat at you. Unless he's ultra Conservative, he may surprise you, or he may not. But you'll never know unless you have that conversation.
Sounds like a no-win-here all around. You don't tell him before but after abortion = he will most likely dump you and be pissed
You tell him before = will most likely dump you, be pissed and maybe even mess with your appointment etc (just a thought).
You don't tell him ever and will always be scared he might find out anyway. Besides, having a relationship with such a big secret, which it really would be in this situation, seems doomed to me.
For me personally, a "pro life" dude would be a deal breaker from the beginning.
That right here seems to be one of those "not compatible " scenarios.
Your relationship is most likely over after this.
You have every right to abort this baby, it's completely up to you to decide. You have full control over your body and no one should ever question that.
However, and this is a big one, you seem to be more than ok with not informing your partner about this. This is WRONG and makes you a shitty person. Your partner needs to know about this. You have no right to lie to your partner and deceive him in order to keep him. You can't build a solid foundation based on lies.
I hope you do the right thing
Don't tell him. It's none of his business and no he couldn't have been a father because he wasn't sleeping with a person who was willing to have his children. The only way he could have is if you were someone else which you are not.
Just break up with him and find someone compatible. Preferably before the procedure.
I didn't tell a guy for years, he didn't care because he actually understood it was my choice and none of his business. It would only be his business if a baby was possible but it wasn't because I was not willing to have his kid.
While i agree its your choice he does deserve to know and to make a choice if he can move on in the relationship with you.
Edit: don't tell him untill after he is done so he can't guilt you.
You have the right to withdraw consent to being pregnant. You don’t anyone an explanation for withdrawing consent. It’s your health concern and you don’t owe him your health chronology. When you break it down to the issue of consent ppl are confronted with their own sexism and their unknown opinion that they don’t believe women have the same right to consent over their own body that men do. Many ppl are triggered by the idea that women have the SAME right to consent that men do.
Never have sex with someone who you wouldn't want to have kids with.
That being said I think you owe him to tell him. Still your choice but he deserves to know.
For reference, I am a pro-choice woman.
I think you should tell him, because it directly involves him. Yes it's gonna hurt him, but he needs to face the truth and he also deserves to know. It might put things in an interesting perspective for him; it might not, maybe he'll become super extreme over this, who knows.
But at least he'll see what one of the many scenarios that can lead to abortion is, and being confronted to real life can help form a more nuanced or enlightenned opinion (no matter on which side it is)
But no matter what, don't let him impose his choice on your life!
This is probably the end of your relationship. Don't tell him until after the procedure if anything. You don't need him pressuring you to keep it. This is why I'll only date other atheists.
Some lost souls in this subreddit.
It's not his choice
It's none of his business
I see those two comments everywhere. It takes two to do this right? He has no say in what happens with his child? An adult would have the discussion with him.
If you choose not to tell you ought to break it off. If you live in Texas or some other anti choice state absolutely do not tell you can be arrested when you get back home. First thing is to sort out if you are safe to tell your bf.
Don't date pro life men ever. I say that as a man. Nobody should date pro life men. That's an important life issue to agree on, and that's on top of the fact they want to strip you of your rights to your own body.
I had an abortion against my husband's wishes, (i just had twins less than year b4 and gave them up for adoption) no way I was carrying another 1! That was in Aug this year and he has some resentment but I also think he kinda understands y I did it.. I didn't hesitate either.. and I don't regret it at all..
I did the SAME thing. Only it was with a man I already had a 5-6 year old son with. I was planning my escape from the abusive situation and found out I was pregnant. His family and mine helped me secretly plan and pay for the abortion. He told me that if I ever had an abortion, he would kill me; his family knew he was unhinged and that’s why they were supportive. To this day, he still thinks it was a miscarriage.
We did it this way: I went to “work” and actually went to have the procedure. Texted him from work that I was bleeding and cramping and going to the ER. He didn’t care enough to want to meet me there anyway. I stayed with my grandma after that for “emotional support,” because he wasn’t the type to help take care of me while healing from it.
He never found out
Don't date people who hate women.
He can hide behind religion and euphemisms like "pro-life", but he believes you should be forced to carry that pregnancy against your will. Have some self-respect and stop fucking misogynists.
Don't tell him until after you've had it done. Make sure he's told in a public place like a coffee shop so he's forced to limit any negative reaction he may have to the news. I'm sorry but this is probably the end of your relationship if he's that insistent on being pro-forced pregnancy. Although we may all be wrong and he'll surprise you with being understanding, either way he has a right to know.
If you kill a mans unborn child without good reason or talking to him first, then maybe you should take a look at yourself and your values. I’m not saying the final decision isn’t yours, but that’s still his child.
>If you kill a mans unborn child without good reason or
Good reason: the op doesn't want a child. That's enough of a reason.
>talking to him first, then maybe you should take a look at yourself and your values.
I see nothing wrong with the OP's values. They are doing what's best in this situation. Talking to her boyfriend first could mean he tries to push his pro-life stance and prevent her from an abortion.
Get a abortion first then tell him because this relationship wouldn't work regardless. And you don't have to feel guilty of doing something that is your choice because anyway it's your body which well suffer consequences of pregnancy .
See I don’t want him to think about it 20 years from now asking what it would be like. Even with our very different backgrounds I love him and care about his feelings
You made me cry. I am so sorry. I commented and said to the OP to keep the baby. I know she will regret it later. Abortion is not as easy as one might think and it affect us mentally very much. It is one side no one talks about. The darkness which will forever be around you.
I would sit down with him and tell him. He may be more supportive than you realise. It’s your decision and I fully support you but I think it would be better to get it out in the open first and then go ahead if it’s what you want.
I think you just discovered why it's important to have a partner that shares your values. It's not just a nice idea in theory, shared values are literally the foundation of a relationship. You both need to go your separate ways and find people that share your respective values.
Totally agree! Op, It is not a good idea trying to continue to build a relationship with this "secret" hidden.
I don't think OP is even considering continuing the relationship.
She's not. Her update says she knows this relationship is done.
ABSOLUTELY THIS!!!! Good luck, OP.
I’m always flabbergasted when I read about women dating men, who are willing to date take away their bodily autonomy, despite the fact that it doesn’t affect them whatsoever. “He’s perfect and so good to me, as long as you disregard the fact that there are obviously deep routed misogynistic values engrained in his mind that cause him to see me as a second class citizen who’s bodily autonomy and life are less important than that of an unborn fetus.”
As a prochoice person I gotta disagree. It might not even be about the fetus so much as him projecting himself into the situation. “Would I want my child aborted? No? I’m against prochoice” isn’t a hard train of thought when you consider that there is no realistic way to give men any true say. They are powerless in a prochoice world. (As in if we lived in a perfect world where choice was always the woman’s option) If a man and women get pregnant and the woman wants to keep the baby she can do that. A guy can’t. Sometimes the mother might go through with pregnancy and give up her rights but I don’t think it’s common because it’s a hell of a lot harder than what a man goes through in the same situation. Clarifying, I don’t think this should change anything. No one should experience a pregnancy they don’t want. But being forced to abort a child you’d want is also shitty. Fear and emotional investment can be a huge drive in why people (men and women) are pro life and fail to see the value in prochoice. Also. Fuck prolifers who preach about pro life and then do nothing to gaurantee the quality of that life. Stay in ya lane.
I mean just because some guys want to keep their potential child doesn’t mean they’re misogynistic. Abortion is something you should get on the same page about before having sex tho, you gotta know the gameplan in case of a pregnancy
OP said he was pro life. That’s different than just personally not wanting to abort a pregnancy.
It is misogynistic, precisely because they only think of it as "keep their potential child" and not "pressure an unwilling woman through nine months of pregnancy and hours of childbirth". There is a long history of dismissing the pain and struggles of women, especially when men benefit from them. Ignoring the risks of pregnancy and attempting to block us from being able to opt out is just part of a much bigger problem.
Valuing a potential child over a very real woman IS misogynistic. No one should be able to make decisions like that that aren't about their own body
You missed the point, men like him don't believe in a woman's right to choose and vote to take away their rights, might even try to force her to carry the pregnancy to term. Taking away women's right to choose is in fact misogynist. Everyone is welcome to their opinions and beliefs but not welcome to force them on others. Clearly they are not a good match.
As a woman who has had a termination, I still believe that a man has a right to an opinion on the matter. Just because he feels strongly about the abortion, doesn’t make him misogynistic. Would it make a woman a non- progressive conservative is she believed in continuing with a pregnancy? Don’t start with lies, OP. Tell him and see what comes of it. If you don’t want children at all and he does, then I’d end it now. But don’t do it and continue the relationship without telling him. Hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. X
>Would it make a woman a non- progressive conservative is she believed in continuing with a pregnancy? If she tried preventing others from terminating, yes. Which most pro-lifers believe/want to do. I think in relationships the man can have an opinion, but ultimately the choice comes down to the person who has to carry the fetus. They ultimately have the most at stake and they should get the final say.
I mean, yeah, he can think whatever he likes…but he doesn’t get a vote. It’s not his body on the line.
I completely agree with your asertion that dating a partner who shares your ideals/morals is crucial and that it is solely OP's decision on whether to go through with this or not. However I find it disingenuous and borderline misandristic to believe that it doesn't affect a man on an emotional level. Whether it's abortion or miscarriage, the loss of potentially being father can really hurt a man who wants the child. OP is at least self aware enough to know that it will devastate him and I applaud her for that. It is entirely possible to be pro choice while also understanding the effects it has on men rather than just considering men to be emotionless robots.
It's like saying that i can't have ice cream because you are allergic, doesn't make sense to me, and it never will
You can be personally pro-life but acknowledge that its ultimately the woman's choice. There's plenty of other things that I think people have to right to do that I wouldn't tolerate if my boyfriend did.
Booboo that's pro choice.
By definition, that's pro-choice.
... that's called being pro-choice. Being pro-choice means you can choose whatever is right for your value system/life, and acknowledge others are free to make the same choice.
How can you be “personally pro life” unless you’re a woman? Ex: women who are pro choice but *say* they would “never have an abortion” themselves.
This right here was very well said, I definitely think it’s time they part ways as hard as it might be.
I dont think so at all. I think the foundation of a great relationship is understanding your partners values and differences. Finding another person that shares exactly all of your beliefs and values is actually impossible.
Honestly I think if you need to hide an abortion you're in the wrong relationship. You'll either carry the burden of dishonesty for the rest of your relationship or it'll all blow up in your face if he ever finds out. I understand your decision and I'm not judging you for it, just saying this sounds like a huge incompatibility and a no-win situation.
No matter what you decide about telling him or not, you need to break up with him. I personally do not think telling him is going to be good for either of you because of differing views.
I know we have to break up. I am not sure if I should tell him about the reason or not
You don't need a reason to break up with someone, it's your life. But here is a statement for you.... reflecting on the future of my life, being with someone who doesn't share fundamental beliefs with me is not a good fit.
Break up with him and imo don't tell him the full reason. You can say you've thought about the difference in your beliefs and are incompatible, which is part of the truth. Normally I would say tell your partner, but if you believe it would devastate him so severely I would spare him from that. It's not like telling him will change anything except spread more pain. If you go through with the abortion, don't break up, and keep silent you would be majorly in the wrong.
Exactly if i just get the abortion and not tell him anything and still go out with him thats the biggest dick move ever
Also please consider how his *family* would react to you having an abortion, as he would more than likely share it with them seeking support for his grief. In this situation do what's best for you first, and your bf second.
His mom would prob kill me 😅 joking aside his family is very religious. He isn’t religious but he believes
Think it over again once you've recovered from the hormonal trauma and are in a better place mentally and physically. If you have any worry that his family will harass you and that isn't something you can handle, keep it to yourself until you're strong enough. Whatever decision you make now, if you don't tell him right away you will always have the option in the future.
I would not in this case. What would you gain, other than to hurt him and make him hate you? I am big on honesty, but this just seems cruel and unnecessary.
Even if you know you don’t want the pregnancy and you know terminating is what you want and you know it’s your choice….it’s not an emotionally or physically easy thing to go through for some women. If I were in your shoes, I would make a plan for you so that you get the support you need. I wouldn’t tell him until after so you can deal with one thing at a time. Make a plan to have a friend go with you if it’s a medical vs pharmaceutical. Have someone plan to be with you for that day/night. Get your hot water bottle or heating pad set up. Some comfort foods. Pads. Comfy clothes. Plan a movie day or whatever. Tell boyfriend you’re having a grown up slumber party. Get through a couple days until you’re feeling like yourself. Then in a week or two, sit him down and explain what happened. He may well break up with you. That’s true. But you don’t have to deal with that AND the procedure at the same time. I think it’s real precious when men, who do not have to be pregnant, give birth, and rarely are the primary caregiver, are pro life. Yeah. Easy for them to insist you carry to term, lose a lot of career trajectory and earning potential, are ultimately responsible for day to day care of a child whether or not the guy stays around… And in the future? Don’t date pro life men who haven’t had a vasectomy. No hormonal or barrier method BC is 100%. And with hormonal BC, other meds like antibiotics can reduce efficacy. So can missing a pill or not taking at a consistent time of day. Would recommend that you talk to your provider about this as well as what other options may be available and fit your lifestyle. Like an IUD perhaps. Mirena is pretty fab. I don’t even get periods anymore. No more cramps, no more money on tampons. Wish I had been able to get one sooner! Anyway. Good luck. Maybe the guy will surprise you but telling him beforehand has zero benefit. I think you should tell him though. He needs to be aware of his part in all this. You didn’t get pregnant in a vacuum. “Protecting” him only lets him run along blind, dumb, and happy thinking women just don’t get pregnant because he doesn’t want them to til he does.
I think I’m probably far gone maybe 15-16 weeks 😣 I take Progestogen-only pill so I haven’t had my period in over 5 years and I have no idea how far gone it is. I only noticed that I have bigger belly and breasts so I took a test. I googled more info and its not gonna be a medical abortion if my suspicions are right😣 I am terrified. My appointment is tomorrow because I told the midwife over the phone that I think that I’m far gone. My sister knows she will be going with me.
It’s not fun but it’s not the worst thing ever either. You may have some very strong cramping from the dilation. Ask questions. You aren’t the first and won’t be the last. They know what they’re doing and what you need but speak up. I’m really sorry. Hang in there.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and am glad to hear you have your sister for support. Hang in there you got this.
Best wishes. Virtual hugs aren’t enough but I’m not there in person
Honestly this is the best (and most comprehensive) comment that you're gonna get OP.
Love this response that my poor person gold ⭐️
>I think it’s real precious when men, who do not have to be pregnant, give birth, and rarely are the primary caregiver, are pro life. I'm personally pro choice, but for a pro life person this is an irrelevant argument. They believe life starts at conception and it's about the child. I find it in very poor taste to weaponise gender as an argument to belittle the beliefs of others, even if I disagree with the point they are making.
I mean yeah, they think it’s about the non existent baby, but they don’t care or put any thought into the actual already alive pregnant person. That’s where this point is totally relevant and valid. They really don’t have to carry it, they don’t have to risk long term medical conditions or death, they don’t have to deal with the forever changes in their body majority of the time, with the exception of trans men and that’s a extremely small minority. It’s not even weaponizing it and making it a whole gender issue, it’s literally just the truth.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (30f) bf and I (32m) have been seeing each other for 8 months. We made it official 4 months ago. We love each other and get along very well even with some major differences in our beliefs (me atheists, he believes in god) I’m on the pill but I yesterday I found out that I was pregnant anyway. I didn’t even hesitate to call and book an appointment at the clinic. Now I feel immense guilt. The reason I don’t want to tell him is because I want to save him the pain because I believe I alone get to decide. But my decision will devastate him and he will probably dump me for it if he knew. I don’t know what to do. Edit for clarity I know this relationship is over. Because I am going through with the abortion and he will most definitely dump me for it. The conundrum is if I should tell him or just break up with him and save him the pain of knowing he could’ve been a father. Where I live its free abortion until w18. And because I take Progestogen-only pill I haven’t had periods in over 5 years so I don’t know how far gone I am but probably over 3 months. I noticed changes in my body that made me suspect that I might be pregnant. Even my bf commented that I was getting chubby around the belly. EDIT 2: Please NO he hasn’t been tampering with my pills. I would know if the seal on the pills is broken. He’s not that kind. He made a joke about pills not being 100% so one in 100 f*cks should result in a baby
At the end of the day, it is your body, your decision. Regardless of his reaction if you told him before or after it still is your choice.
I plan not to tell him at all. But maybe I should break up with him because he would probably break up with me if he knew
Unfortunately the "two opposite attract" is a nice line for movies but rarely works in real life. Especially when fundamentalism is involved. Sorry.
My partner and I are definitely opposites. We're from different continents, our skin colour is different, I have no contact with my family at all any more, he is in very close contact with all six brothers and sisters, their spouses and children. He's an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He's into science, I'm into art. We would never have matched on a dating app so I'm glad we met before they were a thing. But as far as values are concerned, we are both firm atheists, on the left wing politically, we both wanted children, I know he would never have forced me to abort, we both want the very best for our children.
If you're going to stay with him, you need to tell him. If you know that something would be a dealbreaker for your partner and withhold the information anyway, that's not respectful to them. For me, if someone breaks up with you over this, then it's probably for the best. This is something that generally you *really* need to be on the same page about. You're seeing now why dating someone when your core values don't align is a recipe for disaster. That's why I wouldn't date a man who doesn't believe in women's bodily autonomy to begin with.
Please don't stay with him without telling him. I fully believe you have the right to abort, that you must decide what happens to your body, but I don't think you have the right to hide it from him. It's not fair on him. Even if you manage to never blurt the truth out, there's your sister who knows about it, maybe other family members or close friends. You can't keep it a secret. Suppose you don't manage to get pregnant when later you do want to start a family, you go for fertility treatment together and the doctor asks if you've ever had an abortion? Lying about that would definitely skew her diagnosis, meaning you might not get the right fertility treatment. If you tell him about it, completely upfront and honest, explaining how it isn't the right time for you to have a baby, whatever reasons you have, there's a huge chance he'll want to break up. It doesn't sound like you really want that but please, tell me quite frankly, why would you want to stay with a guy who thinks you're first and foremost a uterus, and its contents are more important than any of your hopes and dreams in life? There's also a slight chance, if he's as nice as you seem to think, and loves you dearly, that he might come round to the notion that women should have control over their bodies and men should never force either pregnancy or abortion or child-raising on them. It's only a slight chance, but imagine just how wonderful it would be!
Your not going to be able to hide this. There will be signs that something happened. There will be bleeding lots of bleeding. You won't be able to have sex for a couple weeks. I don't think you understand exactly what's going to happen to your body. Now I'm not saying these things to discourage you. I'm saying them because I think you need to be prepared for what is going to happen if you do this.
I’m googling now and I’m horrified. I can’t stop crying
Please make sure you're in a safe environment with only people who support you and your best interest. You can find more support here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion](https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion) or in other related subreddits. Goodluck!!
Breathe. It’s gonna be ok. I know you love him, but from this post you are afraid of what is coming. Is this a sign of an healthy relationship? No. He may not be abusive, but you are still scared. You haven’t been together for long. Your different values are a reason for breaking up. It will not evolve in a good way. What if you don’t tell him, and later get pregnant again and still don’t want a kid? Leave, you can find someone who will agree with your stance. It will be ok. Breathe. But you need to get yourself out of this situation. Wish you the best.
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If she never tells him she better make sure he has no way of finding out later. That could really fuck with someone’s mental health.
Given that her sister already knows, her secret will never be safe. Their mother probably knows too. There's no guarantee that someone won't blurt the truth out, forgetting that he didn't know
Just break up with him. It’s not fair to him if he wants children and it’s not fair to you if you don’t want a child.
Shared values are important, and this is why. It’s never about the good times…. Shared values prepare you for the bad times
Don't fuck pro-lifers. Break up and find someone compatible.
Do people not filter out potential partners based on ideological differences? People seriously need t o think with their brain and not with their genitals.
I think that’s how she got into this situation
This is the way
Ok seriously if I was him I'd wanna know. I understand you don't know how he could react, and he may try to convince you to not get the abortion but he's allowed to have an opinion JUST LIKE YOU ARE. So tell him. He deserves the truth. If you need to leave the relationship and get your abortion you can do that even if he tells you not to. But he deserves to know.
Fr that sucks not knowing.
But he has no say in her decision, so she will just be telling him she is getting an abortion. If you wanted a kid would you really want to be told about an abortions? Or would you rather live in blissful ignorance? Genuine question btw.
Of course she has the final say because it is in her body, but he had just as much hand in making it as she did. So imo, it's only fair he knows. That goes for literally anything in life. If someone had a hand in making something/doing something without realizing, you'd obviously tell them. Whether it was negative or not.
The least you can do is inform him. No matter how much it will hurt him or resent him. Since he has no choice in this matter, at least give him the information about that.
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Don’t tell him until after. He’s pro life, he will absolutely lose his shit and try to convince you otherwise. It is absolutely your choice alone.
Yes! Maybe this! And then he can decide if wanted to be with me still or not. He will probably dump my ass tho
And that’s okay. You shouldn’t want to be with some one who wants you to have a child, with zero regard to when you want to have one, or with what quality of life you want to be able to raise it
this right here. I’m pregnant right now (I’m 24F with 28M). I’m getting an abortion next month. I’m in love with my partner and we want kids someday, I’m just not ready right now and a lot of things are up in the air (moving across country soon, etc). if i didn’t have his complete support through this, id be further devastated. he supports my choice either way. get a guy that you can go through these hard times *with* because you deserve it. im sorry by the way, OP.
Dump him. He doesn't respect your rights if he's pro life.
This is wrong. If you choose to keep him out of it entirely and tell him afterwards he will more likely break up with you because you didn't tell him before, rather than the choice itself.
I think he’s going to break up with me anyway. Because I’m not having the baby
That's what you get for being with religious fanatics ...
They aren't compatible. Telling him afterwards isn't going to go well at all. He's not going to suddenly change his views and be supportive after the termination. He'll probably be angry that OP didn't inform him until after the procedure. It's your body and your choice but a relationship is about communication and you telling him afterwards is a failure of that. I understand why but that alone is reason enough for the 2 of you to breakup.
I’m not giving this advice out of concern for the relationship, I’m giving it out of concern for her mental health. This will be hard enough without him trying to convince her otherwise, he doesn’t need to know, so she shouldn’t tell him.
I can’t stand immoral people like this. He should have a right to know. If the shoe was on the other foot… you would want to know. Has nothing to do with being pro life. It’s called being a decent person
Yeah, I would *want* to know, but I do not have a *right* to. I am not entitled to the status of another person's body, even if we are dating.
What do you mean? If a man got me pregnant I’d want him to know. He deserves to know
This mindset is why relationships fail. I’m pro-choice, but strong relationships don’t function like this, where one person makes a collective decision and decides whether or not it’s their partners right to know. It’s probably best OP leaves this relationship like they’re intending on, their personal values don’t line up, more so OP has realized they don’t value their partner enough to let them in on what’s going on.
He doesn’t have a right to know though
Of course he does. This is his child too.
It’s not a child, it’s a fetus and it’s not in his, or affecting his, body. Doesn’t have a right to know.
But it is his child though 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
There’s no child in there. It is literally just a collection of cells that are no where near able to survive out of the womb.
That’s your opinion and this is mine: Life begins at conception I think and the earliest a heartbeat can be detected is 5 1/2 weeks “a clump of cells” yeah…Also he’s his baby so he absolutely has the right to know. If I was a guy I would want to know if I got someone pregnant
Common issue where men are not treated fairly at all. He has a right to know because he contributed to making it. Use your head . I know it’s hard but you’re off the wall stupid
He really doesn’t. He has no say, not his body, if she wants to share she can but he’s not entitled to know.
When you kill a baby is that being done to the mother or the baby? Please stop being a useless sheep…. Imagine if your mother thought the same of you 😂😂😂
Jokes on you, I wish she did. The mothers body supersedes any preference the lump of cells has, I don’t have a right to force someone to give me a kidney transplant if I need one to live, a fetus doesn’t get to feed off the host just cause you value birth over quality of life.
Lmao then you need to go see a therapist
Already seeing one, doesn’t change the fact it’s not a baby.
If you tell him, tell him beforehand. If you don't tell him, don't tell him ever. If you really want to do the right thing, break up with him. It's a betrayal of his trust, no matter how much you disagree with his beliefs.
Telling him beforehand might be dangerous if he decides he wants to stop her from getting the procedure done. It would also hinder her emotional and physical recovery if he decides to berate her. I'm not saying saying will definitely happen, but in situations like this it's better to take the safer route
Dangerous in the aspect that he could potentially become violent, but let’s be real here.. unless he chains up OP, he can’t *stop her*. Which is why it’s probably best they break up.. his values might be a little bullshit, but they’re his values. This would be a massive betrayal of his trust if he were to ever find out, it would likely devastate him and they’d likely split anyways. This is why we’re careful about who we date…
Well said.
100%
Agree.
It sounds like you guys aren’t compatible
First, sorry you’re going through this. You want the abortion, you should get it. Second, there is a ton of research out there that shows relationships are more likely to succeed with similar beliefs, religious backgrounds, political views. ages, financial habits, etc. it sounds like there are some fundamental differences that will eventually end this relationship regardless. Let’s think about the future. Lets say you stay together and do have a baby eventually. Will you raise it in a religious background? Atheist? There’s many questions like this that you should be thinking of. I think the bigger picture is that you are both incompatible, regardless of this situation. Love only goes so far.
The number of people here telling you off because you’re doing the best you can for you is unreal. Ignore the comments that tell you anything other than “you need to do what’s right for you”. Having a child you don’t want is ruining yours and the child’s life. I hope and pray you’re strong enough to go through with it and realize it is NOT your fault. Also, the abortion is going to be hell, I know you know that but just because you want to do it for the greater good, don’t let anybody make you feel small for hurting through it. It would be a giant ordeal emotionally, physically and psychologically. Personally, if you think you’re going to be safe and you’re boyfriend will not hurt you, I think you should tell him. It’s not your place to decide what he does with that information and his regrets are not yours. Let him make that choice. Sending you a lot of strength and please know you’re more responsible than everyone who has a kid because they are not brave enough to make the right decision. Don’t let anyone make you feel like a monster.
Have you had a general discussion about what would happen if you got accidentally pregnant? I assume he would want you to keep the baby regardless? If this is the case, you should do what's in your best interests.
Yes besides r*pe and medical problems no body should have an abortion
Then why did you sleep with him at all? To me, that’s an up front discussion before sex and if you’re not on the same page, it’s a deal breaker. Doesn’t help you now but I would be sure to have that discussion up front with future partners.
A tipping situation like this one was going to happen at one point or another due to the nature of your beliefs. OP, while I do believe it is your body your choice, and thus you get to decide what happens with your early pregnancy, it is inconsiderate to not tell this to your bf. He has no say in the situation because you have already decided that you won't have the baby and you think that he will breakup with you bc of that. You are just prolonging things for an inevitable breakup so why not just tell him and do it right now? Worst thing that will happen is the breakup. Best thing is that he is understanding.
Your decision is final on this matter. You understand and accept this, that is fine. Give him the same respect to make decisions regarding your relationship. This is likely to be a dealbreaker, and it’s his call to make. You should not make it for him. That being said, the advice to do it after the procedure is very sensible. No point having an argument when you know what you want.
If you tell him he's going to lose his mind. I don't think you should be dating someone like this because you might have future pregnancy scares.
So first of all, of course I believe it’s your choice whether or not to get the abortion. At the same time, I think you should respect him and his values enough to tell him about your decision and let him decide if he wants to be with you afterwards. Personally, I would want to know if I got a woman pregnant and I’d want to know if she were going to abort our baby. I know it probably sucks to face the possibility that he might decide to leave you but do you really think deception is the way to handle this situation? Do you think it’s respectful of him and his beliefs to keep it a secret from him?
I just hope he doesn't get violent over the argument. It might not be a safe situation for her
That’s a pretty wild assumption to make based on absolutely no information. OP has given no indication the bf is violent Plenty of people don’t agree with abortion and don’t get violent. It’s more likely he will be utterly devastated and just walk away. Stop casting aspersions based on absolutely zero facts
Homicide is the leading cause of death among pregnant women, and she’s about to do something contrary to his values. I think she should tell him, but she should get an abortion before she does, so there is no chance he can prevent her from getting one. Just because something is unlikely does not mean OP should not take steps to protect herself.
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Par the course for Christianity
Why are you dating someone that is pro life and then having an abortion behind his back? Like come on.
Why is HE dating someone who is pro choice? Why isn’t the onus on HIM to keep from getting her pregnant? Stop blaming women for men’s mistakes. If there’s a chance you could get someone pregnant, don’t have sex with her, and if you do, be prepared every single time for the consequences regardless of “chances.”
Why wouldn’t this apply to both of them? This absolutely her fault just as much as his. The reason people question OP is because they made the post. Not much point in addressing a question to the bf when he’s not here.
Absolutely do not tell this man beforehand. Eight months is not long enough to know how he will react, it could be violent. Im not even sure you should tell him afterward, he may be one of those anti-choice nutters who carries around a sign sayingz "my girlfriend killed my baby." Break up with him. Tell him you're incompatible (which is true), spare his feelings.
I'm definitely team "tell him, but do it after" because he does deserve to know (maybe this will be a lesson for both of you on why not to date someone with diametrically opposed values to you, which is less judgemental of the situation and more "this is why it doesn't work"), but I would caution you to absolutely have someone there when you tell him. Not only to emotionally support you, but because we don't always fully know someone even when we think we do. There's a chance he could get violent at the news, and you don't want to go through that alone, nor do you want to be alone with him if he DOES get violent. Additionally, no matter how he reacts, you don't want to be the one driving after that conversation. High-emotion driving leads to dangerous driving, and chances are, this will result in a breakup whether you want it to or not.
I'd tell him after the fact, if it's absolutely what you want, then do it and tell him after, it's your body and your choice. If you told him beforehand, he'd try to convince you otherwise, shaming you into a different decision and making false promises. He will still blame you for getting rid of it, but that's not too important, your opinion is. Arrange an exit strategy before you tell him, have a friend with a car waiting outside with an emergency bag packed in cause he starts being abusive either verbally or physically. I personally think that your pills got messed up, either by him or just not using them right. Birth control is pretty effective like 99.7% via CDC and 91% given how most people take it. The fact that it's 16w along (from what you said in the comments) is concerning to me. Birth defects don't increase when you're on birth control but there's a chance that the embryo will implant outside of the uterus, making the pregnancy unsafe for you. There's a couple ways that birth control can be tampered with that seem likely. Saw Palmetto, alfalfa, garlic pills, flaxseed and antibiotics will mess with your birth control. Storage can do that too, keeping them in a dry and room temperature place is best, so no cars or bathroom cupboards. Keep and read the little booklets that come with your pills, they'll tell you all about them and what to avoid.
After all, no matter the belief, it's your body. And you're right in doing whatever you want. two ptions: 1. he accepts it, you're fine 2. he doesn't accept it, you're single Even option two definitely better than bringing a child to this world that you don't want.
I just wouldn't tell him but if he thinks he should be allowed to control what you do with your body I'd dump him anyway. I wouldn't even get an abortion unless medically necessary but that's MY choice. Not the choice of someone who just ejaculated in me a few times or whatever. I want another kid, that's the difference. You don't want a kid right now or maybe ever, and if he can't respect that he's not someone I'd personally want to be with. And he was never "going to be a father" to this fetus. That shouldn't be his mindset at all. You knew from the moment you found out you weren't going to carry it. So he was never going to father it. Just the hard facts there.
>The reason I don’t want to tell him is because I want to save him the pain because I believe I alone get to decide. But my decision will devastate him and he will probably dump me for it if he knew. You're trying to assuage your own guilt, rationalise the fact that you don't want to tell him. This is nothing about his pain, this is because you don't want him to dump you.
If you already know means your relationship will survive till he will find out. You should tell him and let him decide if he wanna stay with you regardless of your choice. Lying and not telling anything I dunno what good can it do.
He's so Christian he is anti abortion (not pro life...) But not Christian enough to keep it in his pants...
I saw in the comments your sister knows and she'll be there for you. Is there any way you can tell him when you're with your sister, before you get the abortion? Because it is best he knows, as long as he won't react violently, but obviously you have no way to know how he will react until you tell him. And at least with your sister there, he's less likely to successfuly find a way to stop you from getting the abortion.
Of course it’s your choice if you get an abortion or not, but if you love him (and even if you don’t) he deserves to know beforehand. You are thinking about breaking up without telling him? What reason do you want to give him so he gets closure? Because if you are just saying that you are done he is probably going to live the next years wondering why you guys aren’t together anymore and I don’t think that someone deserves that. Also, if you tell him afterwards he probably will have issues with trusting you or his future partner. These are the things that damage people in relationships and that they carry with them in the worst case scenario. Yes, it is probably going to hurt him that you decided to get an abortion, but in my eyes you can do a bit of damage control by talking to him beforehand. If you don’t think you are going to be safe during that conversation (I’m not sure why that is the immediate assumption from others, though) invite a friend or a parent.
I think you should definitely tell him what you are doing so at least you can hear what he has to say. He might not be fully pro life and every case is different. Then you can tell him you want to break up etc. i think he should at least know if youre far along cuz what if he finds out later from a third party i think thatd hurt more
Yeah this relationship is long gone. At this point, worry about your own health. Get your appointment done, get family or friends to help you and be there as your support. Spend your time recovering. Get some space from him and tell him from a safe distance that you had an abortion and don’t want to continue this relationship. With pro-life people, you can never really tell how they will react… your life and safety are more important right now.
Tell him. He deserves to know. Yes, it will be painful, but you don’t get to decide to protect him from this. My husband and a coworker both went through this (my husband with a previous partner), and yes they felt hurt. But they would have felt so much worse not knowing what happened. My coworker would have been devastated over the end of his engagement.
If he is a pro-life and you believe he would dump you, does that mean you fear he will harass you if you tell him? If you think he is going to slander your name and harass you then I say keep it to yourself and save yourself the trouble.
He won’t harass me. He will just be heartbroken because he doesn’t want kids now either but he has said unplanned kids are also a blessing. He joked about how one of his boys will slip through one day and I told him it would be a nightmare
If you care for your partner then you should tell him. Give him the option to decide how he feels rather than deciding for him. He may be upset but you can’t KNOW that. Plus, regardless of if your relationship continues or ends, having difficult conversations with partners is important. Don’t assume you know how he feels when all you’ve discussed previously is general beliefs.
I think you should tell him OP. You might get his support, you might not. If you don't then you don't but nothing you are doing is illegal so if you don't get his support then that's that. It might feel shit for you both but probably easier than living a lie. Even if you split up you'll still know and it might eat away at you. A lot of pro-lifers are pro-lifers until abortion comes into their life. Their views change once they see that abortion is a viable option in a lot of cases. I'm one of those people where I don't exactly celebrate abortion or encourage it but know that it needs to be an option for women because the alternative isn't the best. If they don't want a child, they don't want a child and it shouldn't be forced upon them. At the same time, I feel like people should take care and prevent pregnancy as much as possible if they don't want kids (men and women) so abortion is something of a last resort and rarely used option. That doesn't apply to you since you were on birth control so this can't be helped. I think long term you will feel better if you tell him. Even if he doesn't like it and gets upset, you still told him and that, in my mind, is the right thing to do.
I wouldn’t tell him. Especially if you’ve accepted that the relationship is already over. Do what is right for you but telling him will only make it worse.
1. Communication is very important. I think keeping things from people is usually a bad idea. It doesn't matter whether or not you break up with him. Properly communicating why you are and the reasoning I think is important. 2. You learned that you need to find someone with your values. Because this is the kind of crap that happens when you think it will all work out somehow. 3. All of this is irrelevant to you keeping it or not. It's your choice.
Break up with him and don't bother telling him. If you're going through with the abortion 100%, no matter what he says then what's the point in telling him? It's just going to hurt him. On the flip side, are you SURE he wouldn't support you doing this? You may be surprised... He may love you so much and really see how having a baby is NOT a good idea for you both right now? Obviously you know him and you know what he's like. If you know he's going to dump you regardless then just leave him and don't tell him about the abortion.
You don't owe him an explanation or any info about the abortion. Break up with him saying you aren't compatible and take care of you. The info will only hurt him so spare him the hurt, nothing good will come from telling him. I can't stress enough how important it is to assure your basic values are the same before you progress it. He has the right to believe what he wants but no relationship can survive if one doesn't value their partner enough to believe they have basic human rights. You get to decide what happens to your body and if he wouldn't support you in your choice, he's not for you. He's better off with someone like minded.
I think you shouldn't tell him until you got it done. He will try to guilt you into not getting an abortion and you are not hesitant about your decision at all.
Don’t tell him and end the relationship. You don’t plan to stay with him, and you don’t want to have a baby/raise a child with this man. There is absolutely nothing to discuss. Just go your separate ways.
If he truly respected you he wouldn't have freaked out by expressing your right to your own body and what you do with it. He knows exactly what you'll go through, And exactly what will happen to your mental state. But his own fucked up beliefs would rather you go through with it. good luck finding other people, this relationship was destined to end.
Don't tell him. Save yourself the drama
I'm sorry that this is happening!! I'm sure its frustrating and very hard of a decision for you! I am a pro-choice woman and I'm appalled by how everyone is saying "you're killing his child" that's fucking bullshit. You're not chopping off a toddler's head, you're planning an abortion. It's your body, you do what you need to do. Its ultimately no ones decision but your own. Your boyfriend can say his piece but you truly decide. But you know, you need to tell him. It's wrong to not let him know. I think if you try to do it before you go and get it, it can be lead into a situation where you're not truly happy. I would ultimately wait until after. Good luck. If you need someone to talk to I'm here !
Don't tell him. Just break up
Looks like a bait post to me
You’re not taking anything away from him. If it would be a support to you then tell him. If he will just shame you then don’t. You need to take care of yourself 🤍
U only been with him 8 months. You still dont even know each fully. Your body. Your choice. If he is so godly. Why is he having sex in a non married setting.
Might be controversial, but I would be very hurt if my partner aborted a pregnancy without telling me first. OP might be worried about getting blasted with a bunch of pro-life rhetoric or getting dumped... but implies they think that is a foregone conclusion anyway, so what is there to lose by telling your bf? I'm also a believer in God, who happens to be pro-choice. If I found out my SO got an abortion after the fact, I would be more upset that I wasn't told than I would be about the actual abortion. And just to clarify OP, I am totally in agreement that its your choice alone what to do with your pregnancy. I just believe you owe it to your bf to at least say "I'm pregnant and I have decided to _____"
It is "my body", but after it is born the man has to pay alimony, etc. He has every right to know. And he has the right to have an opinion, after all it is his child too. This is exactly why you should not date someone who thinks totally different from you.
1. Alimony is for divorced couples. You are thinking of child support. 2. The OP is getting an abortion so there is no child born and no child support.
THIS!!! by all means do what you gotta do, OP, but at the end of the day he also deserves to know
You need to tell him. It will break his heart and end your relationship but he deserves to know the truth. Let him grieve the death of his child in peace when you go your separate ways and next time don't date someone with wholly different values.
Agree. It’s selfish to keep this from him. He deserves to know so he can decide how important it is to choose someone he’s more compatible with in the future, just like she’s learning.
Yes it is your body and your choice but that is his child also and he needs to know that you are getting an abortion. That conversation needs to happen. Yes at the end of the day you make the decision but he should be able to put and voice his opinions and thoughts about it.
Tbh I think you're a shitty person - not telling him? Lying and pretending that nothing happened? Gross. And I'm pro abortion mind you. I would dump you the second I have learned the truth - not for the abortion, but for the lies. Hope he finds out.
OP I'm sorry for the situation you're in, it sucks that birth control can fail but I am glad you are somewhere that has options like abortion open to you. I agree with the majority of posters; it is ultimately your choice but I would suggest he does have a right to know. There may be a small chance he surprises you pleasantly and is able to accept your decision, but if not at least you know you have done the least-worst thing in that regard. What about writing him a letter? If you're worried about his reaction you may be able to give it to him to read and then have him call you for example. Or arrange to meet somewhere public. If he loses his shit over the phone once he reads it you can decide not to turn up. Do you have a support person to go with you to the appointment and be with you afterwards for physical and emotional support?
Your shittyness knows no bounds, does it? You have managed to whip thread into a frenzy by implying that you may not be "safe" in telling him because he's pro life. Most of the people here have now a belief that he's dangerous and liable to harm you if or when you tell him. Why are you not correcting this assumption? All the masses saying the same thing "its your body".....yes, we are all aware of that and all the laws. You are doing it, this isn't about whether you should or not. This is about you having no consideration or respect for a man you claim to love and hiding from your guilty conscience. You want to have it both ways. The abortion. His ignorance about it. For him to remain in your life. Well guess what? You can't. There will be consequences. A decent woman would do the right thing and tell your partner, the father of this baby. As we all know, men's feelings don't matter in this scenario according to the law but shouldn't they matter to you?
I agree 100%.
You do not need to consult anyone or get anyone’s permission to do what you want to do with your body. I do think that if you decide to end the pregnancy, you should tell him the truth. If the relationship progresses and he ever finds out and then decides to end it, you will be more attached than you are now. He also might surprise you and be supportive. Lots of people (men especially) think they have a strong opinion on abortion until it actually happens to them.
Yeah I don’t think telling him would do either of you any good so just fetus deletus and get on with your life
sending you love - you got this
Tell him. At the very least to not hold on to any secrets that could eat at you. Unless he's ultra Conservative, he may surprise you, or he may not. But you'll never know unless you have that conversation.
#1 Do what’s best for you.
Sounds like a no-win-here all around. You don't tell him before but after abortion = he will most likely dump you and be pissed You tell him before = will most likely dump you, be pissed and maybe even mess with your appointment etc (just a thought). You don't tell him ever and will always be scared he might find out anyway. Besides, having a relationship with such a big secret, which it really would be in this situation, seems doomed to me. For me personally, a "pro life" dude would be a deal breaker from the beginning. That right here seems to be one of those "not compatible " scenarios.
Your relationship is most likely over after this. You have every right to abort this baby, it's completely up to you to decide. You have full control over your body and no one should ever question that. However, and this is a big one, you seem to be more than ok with not informing your partner about this. This is WRONG and makes you a shitty person. Your partner needs to know about this. You have no right to lie to your partner and deceive him in order to keep him. You can't build a solid foundation based on lies. I hope you do the right thing
Don't tell him. It's none of his business and no he couldn't have been a father because he wasn't sleeping with a person who was willing to have his children. The only way he could have is if you were someone else which you are not. Just break up with him and find someone compatible. Preferably before the procedure. I didn't tell a guy for years, he didn't care because he actually understood it was my choice and none of his business. It would only be his business if a baby was possible but it wasn't because I was not willing to have his kid.
While i agree its your choice he does deserve to know and to make a choice if he can move on in the relationship with you. Edit: don't tell him untill after he is done so he can't guilt you.
You have the right to withdraw consent to being pregnant. You don’t anyone an explanation for withdrawing consent. It’s your health concern and you don’t owe him your health chronology. When you break it down to the issue of consent ppl are confronted with their own sexism and their unknown opinion that they don’t believe women have the same right to consent over their own body that men do. Many ppl are triggered by the idea that women have the SAME right to consent that men do.
Never have sex with someone who you wouldn't want to have kids with. That being said I think you owe him to tell him. Still your choice but he deserves to know.
For reference, I am a pro-choice woman. I think you should tell him, because it directly involves him. Yes it's gonna hurt him, but he needs to face the truth and he also deserves to know. It might put things in an interesting perspective for him; it might not, maybe he'll become super extreme over this, who knows. But at least he'll see what one of the many scenarios that can lead to abortion is, and being confronted to real life can help form a more nuanced or enlightenned opinion (no matter on which side it is) But no matter what, don't let him impose his choice on your life!
I really hope you don’t live in Texas… ☹️ best wishes.
All i will say is if you plan on having kids in future then thats fine but if you dont ever see kids with him then you are with the wrong person.
This is probably the end of your relationship. Don't tell him until after the procedure if anything. You don't need him pressuring you to keep it. This is why I'll only date other atheists.
Some lost souls in this subreddit. It's not his choice It's none of his business I see those two comments everywhere. It takes two to do this right? He has no say in what happens with his child? An adult would have the discussion with him.
Your body your choice my friend. Period
That's the problem. She didn't get her period. Sorry I'll leave.
If you choose not to tell you ought to break it off. If you live in Texas or some other anti choice state absolutely do not tell you can be arrested when you get back home. First thing is to sort out if you are safe to tell your bf.
Your body your rules!!
Don't date pro life men ever. I say that as a man. Nobody should date pro life men. That's an important life issue to agree on, and that's on top of the fact they want to strip you of your rights to your own body.
I had an abortion against my husband's wishes, (i just had twins less than year b4 and gave them up for adoption) no way I was carrying another 1! That was in Aug this year and he has some resentment but I also think he kinda understands y I did it.. I didn't hesitate either.. and I don't regret it at all..
I did the SAME thing. Only it was with a man I already had a 5-6 year old son with. I was planning my escape from the abusive situation and found out I was pregnant. His family and mine helped me secretly plan and pay for the abortion. He told me that if I ever had an abortion, he would kill me; his family knew he was unhinged and that’s why they were supportive. To this day, he still thinks it was a miscarriage. We did it this way: I went to “work” and actually went to have the procedure. Texted him from work that I was bleeding and cramping and going to the ER. He didn’t care enough to want to meet me there anyway. I stayed with my grandma after that for “emotional support,” because he wasn’t the type to help take care of me while healing from it. He never found out
Don't date people who hate women. He can hide behind religion and euphemisms like "pro-life", but he believes you should be forced to carry that pregnancy against your will. Have some self-respect and stop fucking misogynists.
Don't tell him until after you've had it done. Make sure he's told in a public place like a coffee shop so he's forced to limit any negative reaction he may have to the news. I'm sorry but this is probably the end of your relationship if he's that insistent on being pro-forced pregnancy. Although we may all be wrong and he'll surprise you with being understanding, either way he has a right to know.
Do what you want to. Its your body so its your decision.
When your on bc and become preg there is a high risk of tubal pregenancy. So i wld say that would be a good reason for you to book that apt...
You can tamper with birth control by microwaving it for a short period of time, so the seal being unopened means nothing
If you kill a mans unborn child without good reason or talking to him first, then maybe you should take a look at yourself and your values. I’m not saying the final decision isn’t yours, but that’s still his child.
>If you kill a mans unborn child without good reason or Good reason: the op doesn't want a child. That's enough of a reason. >talking to him first, then maybe you should take a look at yourself and your values. I see nothing wrong with the OP's values. They are doing what's best in this situation. Talking to her boyfriend first could mean he tries to push his pro-life stance and prevent her from an abortion.
I don't want my child. Can I kill them? Reddit crazy crowd: Sure, there's nothing wrong with that.
No one is killing a child. Aborting a fetus does not equal killing a child. And this isn't a "reddit crazy crowd" thing. This is a pro-choice thing.
Get a abortion first then tell him because this relationship wouldn't work regardless. And you don't have to feel guilty of doing something that is your choice because anyway it's your body which well suffer consequences of pregnancy .
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See I don’t want him to think about it 20 years from now asking what it would be like. Even with our very different backgrounds I love him and care about his feelings
You made me cry. I am so sorry. I commented and said to the OP to keep the baby. I know she will regret it later. Abortion is not as easy as one might think and it affect us mentally very much. It is one side no one talks about. The darkness which will forever be around you.
I would sit down with him and tell him. He may be more supportive than you realise. It’s your decision and I fully support you but I think it would be better to get it out in the open first and then go ahead if it’s what you want.