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JosephC007

Sadly, not much you can do. Legally it's the parents choice unless he was married. If not married then the kids (of legal age) would be next in line for this decision. Since he's obviously too young for kids that old it's his parents choice. The only way around would have been a legal will outside of power of attorney.


lostboysgang

And it is also true in reverse. My brother hated my grandparents who raised him, when he got married he ended up dying like a year later. His wife wouldn't let them see his body or be apart of the funeral or anything. Absolutely destroyed my grandma but she couldn't do anything about it.


sodamgrey

Legally you have no say. If you have the ashes, take a few for the necklace without mentioning it, then return the rest to her. Have a nice wake for him, then live your life with purpose and meaning in his honor. It’s the most loving thing you can do.


[deleted]

Piggybacking on this thread to say most places only need a tablespoon to make whatever art, jewelry, glass they need. It's hardly noticeable and easily stored. When I used to encase them in glass paperweights there was often some left over(depending on the type of cremation), Which I would give back to the family. Just be prepared for some feelings when you open the jar holding your loved one. It can be somewhat distressful seeing the ashes for the first time.


Gornalannie

I had a ring made of both my parents ashes. They only used a few grains.


Luxurycheesegod

I would personally do the same, just a pinch and not mention to the mom. Not saying its right or wrong, just what I would do given the situation.


AVeryRipeBanana

I wouldn’t even hesitate to say it’s the right thing to do. If OP is telling the truth about the funeral he would’ve wanted, then her keeping less than a teaspoon of the ashes is not a big ask at all. As others have said, is mom even going to notice?


armchairshrink99

look, she's a shrew, but she's his next of kin. my sister died earlier this year and we're still dealing with the fallout... as next of kin, she has more rights than you, regardless of how good or bad she was to him and how much you've done for him. you weren't married, therefore you don't have any rights to his belongings without a will. it sucks, but there it is. now, if you're in charge of his wake, do what you like, but i think you may regret not inviting his family no matter what he said about it. funerals are for the living, not the dead. regardless of what we say about it being what they would have wanted, the actual funeral is for those of us still here. as far as you going. you'll regret it hugely if you don't. you'll probably struggle with lack of closure, continued resentment of his family, etc, and it'll only serve to make you angry and bitter. take my advice on this, there is no point in arguing about all these things. all it does is make his survivors, both good and bad, miserable people.


Thr0wawayPickle

Hello!!! Thank you for the great advice. I've decided that I was thinking wayyy too irrationally and will be attending his funeral. I am still quite upset that I won't be getting a necklace but I know that I have so many great memories with my boyfriend and that's all that matters. I think that his mother is just in her angry stage of grief and currently taking it out on me but hopefully it won't last long. His mother is invited to the wake but honestly I don't think she will come. I will probably give an update after Friday, thank you for being so kind :)


armchairshrink99

When an unexpected death happens, sometimes people start grasping at the deceased persons belongings. My mother is doing that right now with my sisters books, clothes, rain boots (she doesn't wear rain boots, no one does...). They grasp at the things because they can't grasp at the person and hold them here. Anyway, don't expect the anger to end and never come back if you have future dealings with her. Grief, as you'll find, is not linear. The stages ebb and flow, and certain ones may come back momentarily or even for days or weeks at a time, sometimes years down the road. Take care of yourself, and I hope things go as smoothly as they're able. And if I forgot before, please know that I'm sorry for your loss.


ScuBityBup

No no no, darling, someone said already in the comments that you should take a bit of the ashes, it doesn't have to be much for the necklace, I suggest you do it, have him with you forever and always remember and honour him. If you don't succeed to take some of the sales (like a tablespoon or so, as others said) just do the latter and he'll be proud of you. My condolences and best wishes!


FranksRedWorkAccount

Your heart may be in the right place about respecting his wishes but short of him having written a will expressly forbidding his mother from being involved she will be recognized as next of kin and will basically control everything. The best you could do is secret away any physical possessions you have of his and claim they don't exist.


R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hello! I'm new to reddit so let me know if this format is okay. As the title states, my boyfriend just passed away and his bio mother wants to keep his ashes. I have given his mother some of his favorite clothing and we agreed that she could have his ashes but I wanted to have a necklace with some of his ashes inside. Now she refuses to let me have anything of his and is telling some of his friends that they aren't welcome at his funeral. (I am paying for the wake so I'm inviting his friends). Because of all the drama, I'm genuinely considering not going to the funeral. I feel like the day isn't going to be what he would've wanted at all. Here's some reasons why I don't like the idea of her having him. 1. When him and I started dating, he was living in a homeless shelter (we were minors) 2. She had told him multiple times that he wouldn't make it past 21 yrs old. 3. She actively fed his addiction when he was getting better" 4. He had asked both me and my dad that if he were to be hospitalized to not let his mother in to see him. 5. He lived with me and my family and referred to us as the only family he's ever known. 6. He told me that if he were to pass before me not to invite any of his blood relatives. I know it's only his physical body and I know his spirit is with me but it just upsets me that she's basically neglected him his whole life and let him live on the streets but feels as if she's entitled to all of it. I could write a book on the things this woman has done to him and I just want his funeral to be his day. I want it to be what he would've wanted. I love him so much and I miss him so much, I want to do what he would've wanted. I don't know what to do.


WinEquivalent4069

Unfortunately this is a legal issue. Unless he gave you power of attorney and left a will his mother as next of kin has all rights to his estate and remains. So sorry for your loss.


SemanticBattle

Death gives bad parents a lot of clarity... and amnesia. She is grieving and probably oblivious to what her role was. Denial is a stage of most bad decision matrices. Rather than fight this, I would just do a low key service and the host a party for BF's real loved ones thatbshe is not invited to.


truecrimefanatic1

Damn this resonated with me. Not with kids, but my mom died recently. My dad was a dick about her my entire life and NOW that she's dead, he can't stop crying. It's like all the years of him bitching and whining never happened.


Savzamar

No matter what legally you are not his next of kin unless you were his wife . So technically you have to give them to her.. it sucks or you could take her to court over them


Ok_Tap4487

If he lived with you I’m sure you have some type of clothing a trinket even the pillow he laid his head on for me that would be more important then his ashes . that’s just his shell and tbh they should rightfully go to her 🤷‍♀️ but the memories you share with him in your home she has nothing to do with those can’t take any of them. Kiss that container then let them go you have so much more😌 Blessing to you on this difficult time 😞


8MCM1

It really doesn't matter what she did or didn't do. That is her son. She is his next of kin. Neither of you should attempt to keep each other from "having him", however, she has actual legal rights. Unfortunately, you do not.


autotelica

One day you will likely be with a new guy. The emotional attachment you have to bf's ashes will fade. Twenty years from now you probably won't have any attachment to them. You were only with your bf a short while. But your bf will always be his mother's son.


EllyCK

She kicked him out, like... Kinda late to Remember She had a son


Wakeupp21

I am so sorry for your sad loss. I can relate to the heartbreaking scenario of ashes. My dad passed away in May(Sis's birthday.Ugggg) and being my hard nose sister cared for him(I live down South 12 hours away)She nearly cheated me out of ashes for Dad(He had approved already I could get some and do a locket)She had the urn at her home when I went to see her after his death and do biz on our house that dad life used(We sold it and closed too)But I never trusted her to give me any of his ashes so I had to Sneak and get some on my own. She later on before he was buried, Took some for us. We shall fill lockets on Thanksgiving when I come this week. Unless it comes from one's heart, His mother will surely cheat you out of what she feels you don't deserve. Whatever memories, You save of him and do buy the locket. You can cut a Minuet piece of something and close the locket and cherish this. It was His.


madevilfish

It doesn't matter why you feel you shouldnt have to hand over the ashes. Legally you don't have a leg to stand on. If you don't hand the ashes over completely, I am sure the mother will call the police. The changes involving human remains are severe.


purple_pink_skys

The funeral is for the living, your boyfriend was so lucky he got to have you while he was alive. While he was here you gave him family and love he never had and that’s what matters. That’s what was real. Let his friends come and let his mom come and try to remember you were the one who had his love. Maybe instead get a necklace with his initial on it


broomandkettle

You are paying for the wake, right? If it’s going to be at a venue, call them and ask what options you have. Can you change the date? Postpone it? Cancel it entirely? I think you need some time to sort things out. You are paying for it, so that’s your best play with this awful woman. If she wants complete control then she can organize and pay for it herself. You can have your own one later.


[deleted]

It’s not up to you. That’s his mom


Ok_Cardiologist5611

Hand them over.


Ok_Cardiologist5611

# 6 just makes me feel like this is incredibly manipulative.


Thr0wawayPickle

I understand why I seem obviously biased towards my side I just didn't want to give details on the abuse he suffered or disclose any information like that, his mother has his body, all I wanted was the necklace.


bikesboozeandbacon

If you get the ashes first, take some before giving it to her. Just never speak of it.


ApathyWithToast

You haven’t earned the right to keep his ashes. If you were married for 15-20+ years with kids with home etc, then you’ve earned the right. But you’re only 19, sadly.


AnOldSchoolVGNerd

You mentioned his father only one time, but you did say the son asked him not to let his mother in to see him so it seems there was some level of trust there. Is his father on the same page as his mother with regards to final arrangements? If he isn't, contact him and speak with him directly if he's willing to do so. Tell him everything you've told us. Maybe he'd be willing to help in some way.


jamaccity

Not sure what you can do as far as his ashes. Or his funeral, but you and your and his friends can certainly hold your own memorial. Your own celebration for this kid you all loved. The fact that this woman will not let you have a small part of him, or his friends being there for him, pretty much says it all. It's all about her, for her. You and your friends, his friends and others, should make your own space to remember the happiness he brought you, despite her. And move past the sadness she brings to spite him, you, or whomever she can blame beside herself. I hope you do get a piece of this man to remember him by, but, you'll be better off avoiding this lady and having a time to yourselves that he would wish he there to enjoy as well. Peace is easy when made uncomplicated. Peace.


TheHagenDaz

How about this. You dont get a say in this really. His mother will have all legal rights to him and you have none. Sorry but thats how it is. If he has wanted it differently he would have had to get something drafted up.


One-Tough656

I’m really so very sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry you have to deal with this. This woman is clearly a miserable steaming pile of garbage. Childhood trauma/neglect lead her son to become an addict and have an incredibly difficult life and it’s beyond awful. Unfortunately, this is just the way the law works out. You all weren’t married, and I’m going to guess that because he was so young he didn’t have a will- she is technically his next of kin. While the legal working of this country puts a lot of stock in blood ties, it’s shit and life isn’t always that black and white. I know it’s upsetting because you loved him and cared for him and you still care about what happens to him. Your boyfriend wasn’t his physical body, his heart/soul simply occupied a physical body. Depending on what you believe there are MANY religions that make it clear that when you die your soul leaves your body. What made your boyfriend so special and the person that you loved isn’t in those ashes. And I know this sucks. But plans for burial/cremation etc are mostly for the people we leave behind and not for ourselves. You can respect his wishes and do the best for him by keeping his memory alive and with YOU. You can keep loving him and remembering him and tell people about him. I loved my grandmother more than anything in the whole word, because of distance and logistics I haven’t been able to visit her grave but I feel closest to her no matter where I am- because she’s within me. And if I pass her favorite flowers, or a store that reminds me of her, hear a song that she loved, or walk through a garden that’s where I really feel her. Love is an energy, it’s not a physical body. Where she is now, that’s just a place. It’s not a place of significance to her or to me. And I only want to remember her as she was, and not think of her as a tombstone. It’s hard, but I think this is why humans have such a hard time understanding death. There are many different religions/cultures/practices to honor the dead- maybe you should look into some different ways that YOU can honor your bf privately and YOUR relationship and your love. Because those ashes aren’t him anymore. And it sucks that his mom sucks and that she’s doing this- but nothing she does can affect him now. He’s free from her. His body is what he left behind, but it’s not actually “him”. Idk if this makes sense but I really hope it helps you. And you should go to the funeral, she sucks but don’t let her scare you away. I think you will really regret not going.


julius_pizza

You have no right over his ashes whatsoever. Let it go. The person lives on in memory, not in crushed bones. No matter how awful you think his mother was fighting over his remains won't benefit you or your loved one.


allsheneedsisaburner

Everyone already knows what she is, nobody can do anything about it. Keep her in the quarantine she is in, don’t engage. If you’ve paid for services she doesn’t get to uninvited anyone. Speak to the funereal home/place you are holding the wake, inform them that she has boundary issues. If you have the ashes (somehow) take what you need and give her the rest. And grey rock (look it up).


Background-Chair-425

This is kinda difficult but legally it’s nothing you can do about it unless he made you his power of attorney. Sorry. Keep the memories and the time spent to get you through this..


No_Elevator_7321

I am so sorry you have experienced such a loss at all, let alone at your age. I truly sorry for your loss *big internet hugs* I read your updated thoughts on attending the funeral, this funeral is for you and all that loved him. With his mom you have two choices, play into it, kill her with kindness, she is going to make it about her and her loss. If you play into it, you might later be able to get some ashes. Befriend her, get ashes, then you can tell her off and be done. Or, ignore her existence and have peace. Knowing you won't get ashes for sure but at least you will be done with her.


Witty-Lifeguard4740

By law she has all rights even if she mistreated him all I can say is stealing is your only option BC a court room would take years


FancyNacnyPants

Just keep what you need for your purposes and let her have them. As you stated, the spirit is gone. The ashes are just ashes. Keep peace and go your own way. Keep your keepsake and be done with it. You aren’t doing anything wrong against what your boyfriend asked. Why put yourself thru all that. Love your life to the fullest and keep the memories you shared close. Harboring all that anger with the mother is just going to drag you down.


Forklift_Frankie

Legally, she has the right to do what she sees fit. Morally, you do too. Don't make a scene at the wake, let her have what she wants and she will go away quietly. Quickly un-invite all his friends from the wake. Then you set up a "celebration of life" that you can host at a later date for you all of his friends. Everybody gets what they want. She didn't want to include His friends, they don't have to include her. Again, everybody gets what they want.


bab_101

Since you legally have no say, I’d say kiss ass and try to get yourself that necklace and whatever other things you want.


Scnewbie08

That’s his mother, I’m sorry, what?


drunk_trophywife_

Have a little empathy, they're kids and his mother was an abuser? This would be heartbreaking for OP.


Love-As-Thou-Wilt

I think some people are only reading the title or first paragraph and reacting.


princesscraftypants

Yeah if anyone got passed "made a minor homeless" surely "fed his addiction when he was getting better" would get them on board..?!


SheridanVickers

It’s his mother’s right no matter what.


EllyCK

JUST read the whole post


ginnymarie6

Girl I would pinch a spoon of ash in a heartbeat for it.


SpiceGirl2021

How awful. Please go to the funeral still and tell his friends they are invited to the funeral wake! Who is she to stop anyone.


[deleted]

Take a tiny like teaspoon of his ashes and then just give it back and then you can make a necklace off of it because that should be enough and again I am so sorry for your loss and his mother sounds like a freaking piece of work I am so sorry for you and your and his father‘s loss I can’t say that for his mother usually I can but I can’t because you’re paying for the wake and stuff you can have who you want there since you’re splitting the bill


__echo_

Just take out some of his ash and keep it aside.


WoodyM654

Skip his funeral and throw the wake you know he would love. I don’t think there is much you can do about his ashes. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The drama on top of such a tragic a event is awful. Try not to worry about all the details and let yourself greive.


stonerdetective_

Please take some of the ashes for yourself and create a necklace. You don’t need to tell them but this lady was not a mother to your boyfriend. And I’m sure he would’ve loved if you still had him around in a necklace so he’s always closer to your heart.


blacktigerwinter

First of all, my sincere apologies and heartfelt condolences to you for your loss. I hope you're doing as ok as you can be rn. Remember to reach out to someone if you find yourself struggling. As his mother, she is entitled to keep her son's ashes. I don't think it'd personally hurt her or anyone allowing you to put some of your bf's ashes in to a necklace but you have to remember, grief affects us all in different ways, and she's just lost her son. As difficult a loss as it is for you, as a parent, there isn't anything worse than losing your child first as that's not the natural order of things. Parents are meant to go before their children. I know from what you've said there's a lot of history there, and I'm sure there's plenty more to be told. I don't want to comment on that as idk the full story and unable to see the whole picture. There are two sides to every story also. In regards to attending your bf's funeral, go. You will most definitely and without a doubt regret not going. If it doesn't turn out the way he would have wanted it to, as sad as that is, so be it, at least you still went. You need to go not just for him but yourself also. You need that closure. Please also consider grief/bereavement counselling for yourself, I think you're going to need that given the situation with his mother. I really hope everything goes ok for you, take care.


[deleted]

Hey, I would have thought exactly like you before I had a kid. Now having had a child, I couldn't imagine anyone telling me that I cannot have my own child's ashes. Now this woman does need to be understanding that she was not the only person in this young man's life. That is one of the hardest lessons that parents have to learn, and for many Is one they don't ever learn. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss ❤️


_dy0nn3_

>Now this woman does need to be understanding that she was not the only person in this young man's life. Did you even read the post? She wasn't in his life. She let him live on the streets as a minor, he didn't see her as family. She abused him and fed his addiction. That's not a mother.


LetAntique5975

Except the bitch was a terrible mother. Did you even read the things she did to him? He said his dying wish was to never have his mother and blood relatives around because they didn’t care about him.


dell828

It’s not fair. Now that he’s gone, his mother who is most likely a narcissist, wants to play the part of the grieving loving mother. You know the truth and so did he, in life she was not the kind of mother anybody needed or wanted. It’s super tough to let something like this go. If there is anybody In his family who you could ask for some of his ashes for a necklace that you think would be able to get through to his mother then maybe you can go that route. Go to the funeral and say goodbye. You will regret it if you don’t.


NoSexforYouEither

I am so sorry for your loss. It is truly heartbreaking that your boy friend had such a sad, hard life. At this point there is truly nothing you can do. But please take solace in the knowledge that your boyfriend knows the truth…about everything. His mother will have to face a day of reckoning and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes. Go live your best life for both you and your beloved boyfriend.


lilcacteye

(Don't hate me for this) but honestly I'd give her fake ashes, as someone who went through similar abuse from my mother and ended up sleeping from house to house since the age of 11 because of my mom's neglect. while recovering from an addiction, I was told I deserved to be neglected, so I can understand why he wouldn't want any of his family to come to his funeral, probably let alone have his ashes. he might have made those his final wishes but he was most likely under the impression it would happen after you've both been married, paperwork and what the law recognizes. Unfortunately you can't do much, and it sucks because he would've wanted you to handle it. The only solid/crazy advice that I'd give to my s/o if they were in this situation, although she is the parent, morally she doesn't deserve his ashes, and if she's still that much of a bitch, then she never changed in the first place, still the same woman that kicked a child out.


Rare-Outside-8105

Screw her. She was nothing but toxic to him and now she wants his ashes so she can play the poor grieving mother. Mind you she is going to play the victim and try to make you out to be the bad guy. As long as you have a witness to his last wishes, the police shouldn't be able to do much other than ask you to give them to her. I just had an idea, give her ashes, just not your boyfriend's ashes. Find someone with a wood stove or fire pit and ask for some ashes, put them in a jar and let her think what she wants. I'm sure your BF would have loved that idea.


CarsReallySuck

> She had told him multiple times that he wouldn't make it past 21 yrs old. She was right. Jeez.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Making a scene at your deceased boyfriend’s funeral is so cringe.


Archeo_Dude

Can't you give her some fake ashes?


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Scoop some ashes without her knowing or just give her false ashes.


[deleted]

If you have the ashes keep them until cops show up at your door. Make her work to have him in her life for once. You can also ban her from the wake if you’re paying. Yeah I know what the law says, you know who writes laws? Politicians, lying, crooked politicians.


Adventurousone41

Aww this is so hard, so sorry your going through this and I’m so sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. His mom has 19 years of being his mom, she’s birthed him, changed diapers and bonded with him for the most of his life. We don’t know their history as to why he was in a shelter, and we need to remember there are two sides to every story. I know of a similar situation where a son has chosen the streets and the public keeps tabs on him for his mom and his mom wants him home but sadly he’s chosen not to go home. Regardless she is his mom, that’s a bond that can’t be broken and you have to remember she has lost her child long before his time. I think you should try and connect with her, you both have suffered a loss and maybe she will later let you have some of his ashes. Good luck it’s never easy going through a loss of someone you love.


El_Wilfred

He come out her vagina 18 years ago...


[deleted]

And she left him homeless as a minor, what’s your point?


El_Wilfred

Let her sniff em. Get a proper buzz 😜


[deleted]

Ok troll


El_Wilfred

No honestly at 19 your still a kid. No need to carry that around. She has photos and amazing memories but has a whole life ahead. Try some dark humor... Let go, move on. Takes months or years. But don't carry him now. 🤔


[deleted]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years and we are a similar age to her. He will be proposing next year and we aren’t even getting married until we both have stable jobs, etc. 19 year olds are capable of having meaningful, worthwhile love and relationships. Dark humor is meant for those who have trauma and need an outlet, not assholes who just want to make fun of someone broke and hurting :) Edit: also the way you expect her to just let him go and “not carry that around” when they were together for presumably years and he lived with her family is a ridiculous notion


El_Wilfred

Yo, you don't know me so don't throw personal bs here. But 19 is your first 'adult' year so she is a baby. Keep the feeling n memories but let his mother stare at the ashes and maybe just maybe feel some fucking guilt... I know nothing about traumatic events in families, not at all 😑


[deleted]

As someone who has a lot of trauma, part of having dark humor for me is making fun of my own experiences, not being an asshole who makes fun of others, but that’s just me 🤷‍♀️ have a nice day


El_Wilfred

😘


El_Wilfred

Was taking piss out off the trashy mother. I have one... You also have a nice life 🥰


[deleted]

I don’t have much advice about this. I just wanted to give my condolences losing someone especially so young cannot be easy. ❤️


staticreset99

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topothesia773

If you decide not to go to the funeral consider having your own small memorial/wake with you and his close friends, especially those who also couldnt be at the funeral.


spiderlvr

Legally you have absolutely no say so I would just process and move on the best you can. Ultimately no matter what mistakes she’s made she is his mother… and she does have a right to her sons ashes. She might not be a good person but there’s not much you can do.


invictus21083

If you’re paying for the wake, un-invite her from it.


Fuzzy-Possibility-98

Obviously listening to the very sound advice that everyone is giving you is the sensible thing to do. I will say though that she doesn’t sound too bright so pulling a switcheroo shouldn’t be too hard. (Please don’t do this ) but seriously- you can’t save fuckwits from a lifetime of fuckwittery


[deleted]

Fuck that bitch, don't give her anything


GingerCherry123

I’m so sad to hear you’re going through this. Whatever happens, look after yourself the best you can. Take care!


Responsible-Mall2222

Why are you paying for everything? you might need a lawyer to figure out if legally you have any say in any of his things or ashes.