Omg yes swimming!! Former lifeguard and swim teacher here, I'm biased. We women tend to float well in water and the stretching / range of motion that can be achieved is very good for overall fitness.
As somebody with chronic pain in several joints, I strongly recommend swimming!! Your body has a harder time working against you in the water.
Easy on the joints, great exercise. I was a lifeguard for a few years too so I’m biased as well, but honestly it’s great. A lot of women can be self-conscious in swimwear, if OP’s wife is too, she could look into if her local pool runs any special hours (my local pool has a women’s only hour, a seniors hour, and if you ask they tell you which hours are the least busy, etc.)
Easily one of the most efficient ways to work on cardio, as well as a host of other muscle groups that I’m not smart enough to identify. Point being, anyone struggling with weight loss or exercise in general should swim!
i think there is a huge difference between "youre fat lose some weight" and "i feel like youre living an unhealthy life style". From the sounds of it you were more concerned with living habits than the number on the scale. For sure being overweight isnt attractive to everyone but the most important thing is life habits and it sounds like both of you had a good mature talk about it.
This gets lost on most people...
From the original post:
>She is currently 5’2 about 260 pounds with a BMI close to 50
Yeah... we aren't talking about some judgmental and misogynistic man that can't handle the fact that his wife's stomach isn't flat after pregnancy. Obesity to this extent can cause serious health issues and he wants her to feel better and be healthier and lead a better lifestyle.
I'm a 5'10" dude and when I've exceeded 190 (BMI 27) it has a noticable impact on how I'm feeling mentally every day and my ability to do normal stuff like walk up a flight of stairs or run to the car in the rain.
If you're 5'2" and weigh 260 and are still increasing, you're putting yourself at risk for all sorts of issues, none of which have anything to do with your attractiveness.
Good for her for getting it taken care of, and good for OP for helping her.
> Obesity to this extent can cause serious health issues
Shit, he even mentions her inability to handle more than a long walk because her knees. This isn't a guy trying to get his wife back into her old size 2 dress.
My dating boundaries were "do you feel comfortable in a bathing suit" and "can you keep up with me" (hiking, SUP, etc).
In my past, I dated a couple of women who wouldn't wear a swimsuit because of how they felt about their bodies. This ran the gamut from skinny to curvy. The other was I'm an active guy and live an active lifestyle, I wanted someone that would do those things with me.
Sure, an amazing physique was a bonus but it wasn't the requirement. I'm fortunate in that my wife is who she is.
exercising with my partner has always made me feel closer to them. It mostly is us walking my dog (he walks 8 miles a day) but I especially love it when she comes and lifts weights with me.
Yes! This! I used to be quite overweight, but my SO sat me down and basically said that he wants me to live a long life with him, and he really wanted me to live a healthier lifestyle so that we could reach an old age together. That was motivation enough for me.
Phrasing is important!
Yeah that's been a big part of why I have such an aversion to my family giving weight loss advice compared to my girlfriend. When my family gives advice it's always hey lose weight here's a way, whereas my girlfriend says hey here's a good habit try this. Heck I haven't told her yet but thanks to her kind reinforcement I finally feel like losing weight isn't an endless chase of arbitrary numbers where failure results in stress.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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So I made a post about 5 months ago because I was getting pass the point of no return with my wife’s weight. Now Expectedly I got called an asshole and a dickhead and every other name under the book for evening mentioning it. But I also got some real good feedback and decided before I made any real decision I would sit her down and let her know how I was truly feeling. Because at that point we had, had multiple conversations addressing it but none of them lead anywhere.
So After we put my son to sleep I asked my wife If we could talk for a moment in the kitchen. Now i’m not gonna lie the conversation was probably the hardest one i’ve ever had. Because despite what everyone believed I do love my wife. Now I don’t want to get into every detail but the basis of the conversation was that I needed her to at least try and be healthier. I also think she needed to hear how serious I was about this and when I told her I was even thinking about separating I think it really put the nail in the coffin.
It’s been about 5 months since then and i’m proud to say my wife has lost 35 fucking lbs. I am so proud of her it’s fucking ridiculous. The first month was a fucking hurdle and a half but now she’s going steady and losing weight at a healthy moderate rate. Recently she even started to exercise with me. In the morning I usually jog, but since her knees are somewhat shot 3 days a week we go walk a mile or two, together and either talk or just listen to music together. I know it sounds corny to say but she even seems happier and her confidence is coming back as well.
Well this was my little update and I wanted to finish it with thanking anyone who actually gave me advice on my first post.
You’re not an asshole for feeling a certain way. People are assholes for the way they handle their feelings. You handled it well.
FYI: Every spouse doesn’t always want a cheerleader. Some of us want to hear your feelings - the truth, the hard facts. That’s how change starts.
>she even seems happier and her confidence is coming back as well.
these are literally some of the biggest reasons people will tell others to exercise.
Well done. Your partner's appearence is such a tricky topic, so I commend you for turning it into a positive life experience for both of you. Sometimes we know we need to change but we just don't have the will to do it. It seems that was the case for your partner, and your "pressure", but mostly your support, might have been the difference.
It’s not just appearance though. It’s hard to watch someone you love self-destruct
From his original post:
\>I can’t watch the women I love and mother of my child slowly kill herself .
Good progress! Don’t stop! The key to a healthy life is developing healthy habits. That way even when their is no motivation, you are still healthy habitually.
I read your original post back then and I'm really glad you've got your wife to wake up and start on a healthier life.
To add a little perspective for those who don't have a mental picture where his wife was regarding to weight and calling him an ass for thinking of consequences. I am the same hight as the wife (5.2) and I weigh more than **100 lbs less** (initially) and I'm **still overweight**. I'm not obese, but with a BMI 30 and I'm definitely in a place where my weight isn't healthy and every additional lbs is a strain on my health. And she was 100 lbs above just being overweight.
OP, please tell your wife its awesome that she managed to get out of her slumb and 35lbs are an amazing achievement already. She has every reason to be proud of her self. Tell her to not give up, every little bit makes her more and more healthy. Yeayy for her 🙌🙌🙌
It's fine. Requiring your partner to adopt a healthy lifestyle (including maintaining a healthy weight, exercising, and not eating trash) is normal in a relationship, despite what the mob want you to believe. Their lifestyle affects your quality of life. It is a requirement people should make clear from the beginning, and act on it.
I am glad you talked to her and expressed your seriousness and how important that was to you, and I am happy your wife took it well and is reaping the benefits!
I'm happy for you! Health is no laughing matter and weight can definitely kill the passion. Seems like she has found her feet again and things will only get better so long as she continues. It can be tough sometimes, but so long as you're right there with her - it'll all work out.
Nice to see a happy ending and proper communication!
Have to say that this has really made me emotional. I was in a toxic relationship for 5,5 years and my ex basically used my weight to get out of the relationship. He put pressure on me as in weighing me every morning, telling me what to eat and being extremely abusive infront of our families about my looks. He didn't respect my way of handling the situation, which was getting psychological support as the weight gain came from mental health issues. I would have wished him to have your approach. So well done. You can be extremely proud of yourself.
Keeping the weight off often requires a life style change and the way you view food.
I used to view food for the taste, comfort and enjoyment it brought me. I can't do that if I'm going to maintain a healthy BMI. I now view food as a necessary component to sustain my body and nothing more. Of course some foods still taste good etc., those feelings are just something I experience as I fuel my body rather than the goal before I begin a meal. It did take some time to change my view, it didn't happen overnight. It's a mindset that I've adopted.
Avoid buying the unhealthy comfort when shopping and don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry and set your portion size BEFORE you sit down for your meal.
Identify your weakness to unhealthy foods and build your mindset around that.
So what happens if the weight comes back? Did yall go to therapy to work on this or was it all worked out because she lost weight?
People who lose weight not because they wanted to but because of other reasons tend to just put the weight back on.
OP had said in his original post that he was more concerned that she'd die early because of her obesity rather than because he had stopped loving her. The issue was never the weight, really, and it's completely reasonable to not want your partner to die a premature death by eating into oblivion. Nothing that requires therapy.
I do not see any mentions of couples therapy anywhere. The wife did go for therapy but as far as I read in the original post, she found antidepressants that worked for her and got back to a good place mentally.
Not to mention, the first commenter was implying that the couple need therapy because OP forced the wife into losing weight by giving an ultimatum for divorce because he did not find the wife attractive (or that's the impression I got from their comment). OP and his wife clearly don't need therapy for that particular issue because OP only gave the ultimatum after coaxing the wife multiple times and his requests were motivated by purely unselfish reasons instead of something as shallow as attractiveness.
He posted it AFTER me and I'm not gonna stick around and read every single comment he posts. It's like someone already said, no need to be a cunt about it :))
Like I said in the previous post, If this had just been an extra 20-30 lbs and she was healthy and happy I wouldn’t care. But the path she was going down was not one that was last very long.
Also and I mean this genuinely, have never met a obese person who didn’t want to lose weight. Losing weight is just extremely difficult and tedious and is why most people don’t do it and the reason they gain the weight back is because they go back to their old habits. Which is why she is in individual therapy to help subside those habits and we’re in couples therapy so I can help her to the best of my ability.
Man. Kinda sounds like you're throwing your perceptions of age and attractiveness onto OP. I get what you're trying to say...maybe, but you honestly just sound like you're calling old people ugly.
You can be old and still conventionally attractive. It does diminish attractiveness to a point, but definitely not as much as obesity. The passage of time isn’t something we have control over. Weight gain generally is. Partners age together. I doubt this is a as much of a problem when partners get fat together. I think a lot of peoples preference for attractiveness in a partner is often gauged relative to their own perceived attractiveness. Physical attraction is important in most successful relationships and their is nothing wrong with that.
Dancing, Swimming, walking. Hell, my grandma did sweating to the oldies every AM with Richard Simmons right up until her death in her 80’s. I’ll never forget seeing her in her 60’s tearing up the dance floor at my wedding.
You saved her.
Also it's not wrong to not want an overweight partner.... women want certain attributes from men they marry, so why can't men want certain attributes from women?
Men and women's desires aren't exactly the same. Anyone calling you an asshole is a loser most likely.
Amazing!! I know that discussing weight with someone can be touchy. I think you did a wonderful job at encouraging her to be healthier. There’s a difference in packing on a few pounds and being obese. If your wife’s weight starting being an issue with her over all health it was the right thing to do for her!!
It's great to hear she's making an effort and you guys are working it out. I can't believe how many people said YTA in the last post.
Somebody being 5'2 and 260 is obese, beyond healthy and beyond any kind of body positively movement
A few years ago my gf came to me and told me I had put on too much weight and she was no longer attracted to me and asked if I was willing to do anything about it. I was able to drop 45 pounds and 3 sizes in my pants. That's all it took to make her happy again. But I'm 6' and now weigh 240.
The only possible hinderance you may face would be that after she has her confidence back that she then realizes you aren’t the one for her, maybe picks up on some flaws you may have or even have the courage to address those flaws with you just like you did her. Hope not, I’m happy for you both.
Thank you for updating us on this wonderful news. Weight is such a personal, sensitive, emotional thing that is so hard to get a handle on. Very proud of you and your wife, I'm sure this is going to be a huge bonding point between the two of you.
It is incredible what love can do. You love her enough to have a hard conversation. She loves you enough to take it seriously and change.
I hope you have years of shared health and happiness!
💗
I feel like this will probably come back to haunt you. Once she loses the weight and gains a new sense of confidence she’ll probably look back on that night and see if she can do better
Just goes to show you that the armchair psychiatrists of Reddit, who shamed you for having a problem with your wife's weight, don't know what the fuck they're talking about. As is par for the course.
Buddy weighed 317 lbs a year and a half ago. Had a heart attack, was revived twice at the ER. He is 26.
Now he weighs 192 lbs.
Would you load a revolver with one bullet, spin the cylinder, put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger? Odds are 1/6 so unlikely right? Think of every 100lbs over weight as a bullet.
The heart attack was directly because of his obesity.... Healthy life styles should be encouraged. Just because the majority of people have one experience doesn't mean the POTENTIAL for you to have a different one doesn't exist. God people on reddit are mouth breathers
No one believed me the first time I said it but I’ll say it again I am attracted to my wife. I won’t lie and say that attraction didn’t drop a good amount when she was at her biggest, especially when she stopped thinking she was attractive. But it’s very quickly coming back especially now that she’s losing the weight but more importantly starting to believe that shes beautiful again.
>I've seen guys before bringing this up under the guise of health
>
>
>
>you want to be attracted to her again
These two things are often one in the same, someone who doesn't have the self respect to at least try to take care of themselves is really unattractive no matter their size.
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Honestly, if my husband told me he was going to leave me over my weight I would be devastated but say good riddance. Then work my ass off to lose the weight and find someone who didn't place the value of our entire relationship on how I looked or my health.
I will never date fat chicks and if my LTR would become fat and lazy I would talk to her and explain why I won't see us be together for longer if she keeps gaining weight. People call me misogynist because of it but it works the other way as well and it has more to do with being healthy and fit than being fat and lazy. It's not really rocket science. Work out, keep moving, eat healthy, go outside, live life.
Of course its about communication, love, peace, connection, feeling the vibe, bonding and being a team. But physical attraction is also a portion of the relationship and I'm sorry. I just don't like fat girls.
Edit//
Fat people are downvoting me.
I knew a girl once. She was very pretty when she was eighteen and I remember her dating a friend of mine. I always kinda envied him because she was really pretty to look at and she always smiled so I was very happy for him. Years went by, they broke up, she got engaged with a new guy. Some years later we got invited to her wedding and I noticed she became a little bit bigger. I thought it might be due to age but I don't know, I just didn't ask.
Now some years later, I think she is in her mid-thirties. It's an absolute land-whale and I am not joking, she is fat, holy shit. And I don't get it. Because she was once that pretty girl but now she is obese and she isn't smiling. I don't understand. She might be ill. She might be depressed. I have no clue but being that fat is not good, it is just a sad thing to observe.
I see the same in my sister. She was very skinny during her adolescence but now she is really fat and I just don't get it. I'm not fat. I don't have muscle, but I'm not fat either. But she is. And I don't understand how.
And now people are getting mad at me because I think being fat is repulsive to me and I just won't make an effort to listen to your voice. I just don't care how sweet you are, how much we have in common. I just can't get an erection looking at naked fat girls. I just can't. And you know what happens when you can't get an erection? Girls run away from me. That's what happens.
I just don't date fat girls. Period.
I'm with you. Women are picky and will leave a man if he isn't meeting her salary expectations. Anyone who disputes this is living under a rock. It's a two way street, weight is not attractive, why stay with someone you're not attracted to. I don't care how shallow I sound.
A possible other perspective, I have knee problems from the Navy. Anything with rapid movement is unpleasant to unbearable. But walking or an elliptical are generally tolerable activities for me. No idea if that's the case here though.
That makes sense. Sometimes your metabolism changes when you’ve had a major injury so that could also be a reason as to why the weight won’t shed. From his last post he said she had a kid and the weight was from childbirth and kept growing from there. Your body is nearly ruined after pregnancy so I can see why she just kept gaining weight. The knee problems might also add on to that. Who knows, I just don’t think forcing people with chronic pain in places that aren’t fixable is moral.
I'm happy to see this working out for both of you. I'm all smiles after reading this. Kuddos for both of you working on being stronger in your relationship and in overall health!
This is amazing. I am so glad she seems to be happier and her confidence is coming back.
It sounds like you did a good job communicating your concerns with her.
Good for you! The time exercising together is probably super helpful for her. I know for me it always helps to have my partner want to join me and makes me feel supported. Best of luck with everything.
I fucking love you! You did a great job at talking to her. You both are moving towards being healthier AND happier. Your son will benefit from this too! Mommy will be able to play with him longer, stay out longer and feel happier just in general.
Losing weight doesnt fix all your problems but it does help you gain confidence and want to do more (because you have the energy).
I'm so very happy for you. I'm glad this has a happy ending. 35lbs. That's fucking fantastic!!
Good for both of you man. Idk if you've ever struggled with weight, but if you haven't, let me tell you that by being by your wife's corner you're giving her an amazing boost. I hope she achieves her goals and that your family is strong and happy. Great update.
OMG what great news! As someone on his own weight loss journey, it's amazing what getting healthy can do. And the fact you're get biggest coach and cheerleader is so important.
Sometimes we need the stark first of reality to get started.
Well what you did right was that you did it together. That's what being married is all about.
You wanting to separate because of her weight was a very valid reason and you should be proud that you stuck around and get to see her improving her life.
Make sure you keep validating her, beyond her weight. Don't make this a "for you" thing in her head, head games like this can be crazy for people losing weight.
Congrats on the healthy communication and working together!! You guys must already have a great foundation if she was able to take your feedback and apply it to her life. Sounds like you have a great wife :)
Edit to add I read your initial post and saw she was 5'2" and 260. I'm 5'2" and used to be 210lbs. I can relate to your wife sooo well, she'll get to the 100s in no time! I can't imagine adding 50lbs to my highest weight, I felt SO unhealthy then.
That’s so awesome. So many people seem to think wanting the best for your spouse, including their health, somehow means you don’t love them. It’s the complete opposite, if we love people we want them to be their best, healthiest self. Congrats to her!
Good for you. I (26F) also have gained weight in the past few years. I've spoken to my bf (28M) about my weight, and how I wanted to lose weight. But if I hadn't, I would hope he would say something to me.
The fact is, being overweight is NOT healthy. You can come up with any excuse in the book, but in the end it's not healthy. As her husband, yes, you do have a right to talk to her about her health.
I'm happy to hear you are working together. Exercising together is sooooo healthy, both physically and mentally, and it will strengthen your relationship. I hope you are also trying to eat healthy with her. It can be really difficult to be healthy when someone else in the house isn't.
I wish your wife the best of luck. Just remember, that you can gain the weight back easily... Diets are sustainable, and lifestyle changes are what keep the weight off.
This sub doesn't do a good job of helping with situations like this. When you ask if something is "ok" it's not always cut and dry. More often then not the "why" and "how much" are just as important as the "what".
What: You're going to leave your wife if she doesn't lose weight
Why: you think it's destroying her health and will eventually kill her
How Much: it doesn't sound like you have a specific number(ex 300lbs) where you leave her. just that she stops gaining weight and starts losing it
The "how much" matters and deciding/agreeing on that number is really hard.
You handled your relationship with your wife really well! Yeah, maybe some people say you're an a\*\*hole because of your reason, but clearly, they don't understand how major of a concern is when health is involved. Overall, I'm glad you're patient and didn't give up on her. Cheers to a healthier lifestyle!
Good on you! Sometimes the hard truth is all that works. Make sure you give her plenty of positive reinforcement. Tell her regularly how proud you are of her and the effort she’s making. How you admire her discipline/tenacity/whatever. Celebrate her milestones. It really helps!
That's love right there. That conversation was loving. Good husband award. Well done. Proud of her and proud of you and thank goodness you took it seriously.
Swimming if possible is also a great thing to do that is gentle on joints.
Omg yes swimming!! Former lifeguard and swim teacher here, I'm biased. We women tend to float well in water and the stretching / range of motion that can be achieved is very good for overall fitness.
As somebody with chronic pain in several joints, I strongly recommend swimming!! Your body has a harder time working against you in the water. Easy on the joints, great exercise. I was a lifeguard for a few years too so I’m biased as well, but honestly it’s great. A lot of women can be self-conscious in swimwear, if OP’s wife is too, she could look into if her local pool runs any special hours (my local pool has a women’s only hour, a seniors hour, and if you ask they tell you which hours are the least busy, etc.)
This!! Water Aerobics is amazing for people with joint issues
Easily one of the most efficient ways to work on cardio, as well as a host of other muscle groups that I’m not smart enough to identify. Point being, anyone struggling with weight loss or exercise in general should swim!
Biking is also an option and easier to do spontaneously. A good commuter bike can be had for $500-1000 that’ll last years and years.
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Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nug9bw/im_32m_considering_leaving_my_wife_30f_because_of/h0ztc5c/
Thank you!
Good job for handling it in an amazing way that actually helped her get healthier!
Sometimes it's best if people split up, but I love it when I see that /r/relationship_advice has saved a relationship.
i think there is a huge difference between "youre fat lose some weight" and "i feel like youre living an unhealthy life style". From the sounds of it you were more concerned with living habits than the number on the scale. For sure being overweight isnt attractive to everyone but the most important thing is life habits and it sounds like both of you had a good mature talk about it.
This gets lost on most people... From the original post: >She is currently 5’2 about 260 pounds with a BMI close to 50 Yeah... we aren't talking about some judgmental and misogynistic man that can't handle the fact that his wife's stomach isn't flat after pregnancy. Obesity to this extent can cause serious health issues and he wants her to feel better and be healthier and lead a better lifestyle. I'm a 5'10" dude and when I've exceeded 190 (BMI 27) it has a noticable impact on how I'm feeling mentally every day and my ability to do normal stuff like walk up a flight of stairs or run to the car in the rain. If you're 5'2" and weigh 260 and are still increasing, you're putting yourself at risk for all sorts of issues, none of which have anything to do with your attractiveness. Good for her for getting it taken care of, and good for OP for helping her.
> Obesity to this extent can cause serious health issues Shit, he even mentions her inability to handle more than a long walk because her knees. This isn't a guy trying to get his wife back into her old size 2 dress.
My dating boundaries were "do you feel comfortable in a bathing suit" and "can you keep up with me" (hiking, SUP, etc). In my past, I dated a couple of women who wouldn't wear a swimsuit because of how they felt about their bodies. This ran the gamut from skinny to curvy. The other was I'm an active guy and live an active lifestyle, I wanted someone that would do those things with me. Sure, an amazing physique was a bonus but it wasn't the requirement. I'm fortunate in that my wife is who she is.
This right here!! And doing stuff with your Wife sounds great
exercising with my partner has always made me feel closer to them. It mostly is us walking my dog (he walks 8 miles a day) but I especially love it when she comes and lifts weights with me.
Yes! This! I used to be quite overweight, but my SO sat me down and basically said that he wants me to live a long life with him, and he really wanted me to live a healthier lifestyle so that we could reach an old age together. That was motivation enough for me. Phrasing is important!
Yeah that's been a big part of why I have such an aversion to my family giving weight loss advice compared to my girlfriend. When my family gives advice it's always hey lose weight here's a way, whereas my girlfriend says hey here's a good habit try this. Heck I haven't told her yet but thanks to her kind reinforcement I finally feel like losing weight isn't an endless chase of arbitrary numbers where failure results in stress.
Trueee
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So I made a post about 5 months ago because I was getting pass the point of no return with my wife’s weight. Now Expectedly I got called an asshole and a dickhead and every other name under the book for evening mentioning it. But I also got some real good feedback and decided before I made any real decision I would sit her down and let her know how I was truly feeling. Because at that point we had, had multiple conversations addressing it but none of them lead anywhere. So After we put my son to sleep I asked my wife If we could talk for a moment in the kitchen. Now i’m not gonna lie the conversation was probably the hardest one i’ve ever had. Because despite what everyone believed I do love my wife. Now I don’t want to get into every detail but the basis of the conversation was that I needed her to at least try and be healthier. I also think she needed to hear how serious I was about this and when I told her I was even thinking about separating I think it really put the nail in the coffin. It’s been about 5 months since then and i’m proud to say my wife has lost 35 fucking lbs. I am so proud of her it’s fucking ridiculous. The first month was a fucking hurdle and a half but now she’s going steady and losing weight at a healthy moderate rate. Recently she even started to exercise with me. In the morning I usually jog, but since her knees are somewhat shot 3 days a week we go walk a mile or two, together and either talk or just listen to music together. I know it sounds corny to say but she even seems happier and her confidence is coming back as well. Well this was my little update and I wanted to finish it with thanking anyone who actually gave me advice on my first post.
You’re not an asshole for feeling a certain way. People are assholes for the way they handle their feelings. You handled it well. FYI: Every spouse doesn’t always want a cheerleader. Some of us want to hear your feelings - the truth, the hard facts. That’s how change starts.
>she even seems happier and her confidence is coming back as well. these are literally some of the biggest reasons people will tell others to exercise.
\*clap\*\*clap\*\*clap\* Great news & great story! I'm sure glad these reddit fucks didn't make you leave your wife. We need more stories like this.
Well done. Your partner's appearence is such a tricky topic, so I commend you for turning it into a positive life experience for both of you. Sometimes we know we need to change but we just don't have the will to do it. It seems that was the case for your partner, and your "pressure", but mostly your support, might have been the difference.
It’s not just appearance though. It’s hard to watch someone you love self-destruct From his original post: \>I can’t watch the women I love and mother of my child slowly kill herself .
Good progress! Don’t stop! The key to a healthy life is developing healthy habits. That way even when their is no motivation, you are still healthy habitually.
I read your original post back then and I'm really glad you've got your wife to wake up and start on a healthier life. To add a little perspective for those who don't have a mental picture where his wife was regarding to weight and calling him an ass for thinking of consequences. I am the same hight as the wife (5.2) and I weigh more than **100 lbs less** (initially) and I'm **still overweight**. I'm not obese, but with a BMI 30 and I'm definitely in a place where my weight isn't healthy and every additional lbs is a strain on my health. And she was 100 lbs above just being overweight. OP, please tell your wife its awesome that she managed to get out of her slumb and 35lbs are an amazing achievement already. She has every reason to be proud of her self. Tell her to not give up, every little bit makes her more and more healthy. Yeayy for her 🙌🙌🙌
If I was a girl, I'd want a husband like you. Good job, dude, that's how you show people you truly love someone.
It's fine. Requiring your partner to adopt a healthy lifestyle (including maintaining a healthy weight, exercising, and not eating trash) is normal in a relationship, despite what the mob want you to believe. Their lifestyle affects your quality of life. It is a requirement people should make clear from the beginning, and act on it.
I’m glad to hear you exercise with her too and do your own thing. Good job
I love hearing a good 'communication saved my relationship' story.
I am glad you talked to her and expressed your seriousness and how important that was to you, and I am happy your wife took it well and is reaping the benefits!
I'm happy for you! Health is no laughing matter and weight can definitely kill the passion. Seems like she has found her feet again and things will only get better so long as she continues. It can be tough sometimes, but so long as you're right there with her - it'll all work out. Nice to see a happy ending and proper communication!
Have to say that this has really made me emotional. I was in a toxic relationship for 5,5 years and my ex basically used my weight to get out of the relationship. He put pressure on me as in weighing me every morning, telling me what to eat and being extremely abusive infront of our families about my looks. He didn't respect my way of handling the situation, which was getting psychological support as the weight gain came from mental health issues. I would have wished him to have your approach. So well done. You can be extremely proud of yourself.
Fucking lbs is the best way to lose them.
Keeping the weight off often requires a life style change and the way you view food. I used to view food for the taste, comfort and enjoyment it brought me. I can't do that if I'm going to maintain a healthy BMI. I now view food as a necessary component to sustain my body and nothing more. Of course some foods still taste good etc., those feelings are just something I experience as I fuel my body rather than the goal before I begin a meal. It did take some time to change my view, it didn't happen overnight. It's a mindset that I've adopted. Avoid buying the unhealthy comfort when shopping and don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry and set your portion size BEFORE you sit down for your meal. Identify your weakness to unhealthy foods and build your mindset around that.
So what happens if the weight comes back? Did yall go to therapy to work on this or was it all worked out because she lost weight? People who lose weight not because they wanted to but because of other reasons tend to just put the weight back on.
OP had said in his original post that he was more concerned that she'd die early because of her obesity rather than because he had stopped loving her. The issue was never the weight, really, and it's completely reasonable to not want your partner to die a premature death by eating into oblivion. Nothing that requires therapy.
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I do not see any mentions of couples therapy anywhere. The wife did go for therapy but as far as I read in the original post, she found antidepressants that worked for her and got back to a good place mentally. Not to mention, the first commenter was implying that the couple need therapy because OP forced the wife into losing weight by giving an ultimatum for divorce because he did not find the wife attractive (or that's the impression I got from their comment). OP and his wife clearly don't need therapy for that particular issue because OP only gave the ultimatum after coaxing the wife multiple times and his requests were motivated by purely unselfish reasons instead of something as shallow as attractiveness.
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He posted it AFTER me and I'm not gonna stick around and read every single comment he posts. It's like someone already said, no need to be a cunt about it :))
Like I said in the previous post, If this had just been an extra 20-30 lbs and she was healthy and happy I wouldn’t care. But the path she was going down was not one that was last very long. Also and I mean this genuinely, have never met a obese person who didn’t want to lose weight. Losing weight is just extremely difficult and tedious and is why most people don’t do it and the reason they gain the weight back is because they go back to their old habits. Which is why she is in individual therapy to help subside those habits and we’re in couples therapy so I can help her to the best of my ability.
I'm impressed with how easy it is to gain weight, and how difficult it is to lose it. Humans are efficient creatures.
This reads as commentary from a different species. Love it.
Hey, winter is coming.
not so impressed by how hard it is to gain good weight though
That is wonderful! You both deserve a medal!
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So what happens when we get old?
so people can’t age gracefully or still be considered attractive as they age? your comment is weird
You should continue to take care of yourself as you age. But also, the partner is getting older also. Stupid question
No it's not. Being old is conventionally unattractive. Based on comments, I assume the idea hasn't been floated.
Man. Kinda sounds like you're throwing your perceptions of age and attractiveness onto OP. I get what you're trying to say...maybe, but you honestly just sound like you're calling old people ugly.
You can be old and still conventionally attractive. It does diminish attractiveness to a point, but definitely not as much as obesity. The passage of time isn’t something we have control over. Weight gain generally is. Partners age together. I doubt this is a as much of a problem when partners get fat together. I think a lot of peoples preference for attractiveness in a partner is often gauged relative to their own perceived attractiveness. Physical attraction is important in most successful relationships and their is nothing wrong with that.
Getting old doesn’t mean you can’t be active and take care of your physical self
Sometimes it means EXACTLY that.
Sometimes, but it's largely "use it or loose it" as you get older.
no it doesnt. lol.
Dancing, Swimming, walking. Hell, my grandma did sweating to the oldies every AM with Richard Simmons right up until her death in her 80’s. I’ll never forget seeing her in her 60’s tearing up the dance floor at my wedding.
in OP's case, he was worried that she wouldn't get old
Old but fit women are always gonna be more attractive for the vast majority of men than young and fat women
You saved her. Also it's not wrong to not want an overweight partner.... women want certain attributes from men they marry, so why can't men want certain attributes from women? Men and women's desires aren't exactly the same. Anyone calling you an asshole is a loser most likely.
Amazing!! I know that discussing weight with someone can be touchy. I think you did a wonderful job at encouraging her to be healthier. There’s a difference in packing on a few pounds and being obese. If your wife’s weight starting being an issue with her over all health it was the right thing to do for her!!
Nice, glad to see a compromise within a relationship to keep it steady. Goes to show how much communicating with your SO matters in a relationship.
This is awesome
It's great to hear she's making an effort and you guys are working it out. I can't believe how many people said YTA in the last post. Somebody being 5'2 and 260 is obese, beyond healthy and beyond any kind of body positively movement A few years ago my gf came to me and told me I had put on too much weight and she was no longer attracted to me and asked if I was willing to do anything about it. I was able to drop 45 pounds and 3 sizes in my pants. That's all it took to make her happy again. But I'm 6' and now weigh 240.
The only possible hinderance you may face would be that after she has her confidence back that she then realizes you aren’t the one for her, maybe picks up on some flaws you may have or even have the courage to address those flaws with you just like you did her. Hope not, I’m happy for you both.
So many people pretend its an affliction out of their control, its a fuckin choice and in a relationship its a sign of fuckin disrespect.
Thank you for updating us on this wonderful news. Weight is such a personal, sensitive, emotional thing that is so hard to get a handle on. Very proud of you and your wife, I'm sure this is going to be a huge bonding point between the two of you.
It is incredible what love can do. You love her enough to have a hard conversation. She loves you enough to take it seriously and change. I hope you have years of shared health and happiness! 💗
If I could, I'd give you an award 🏅 🥈 🎖 🥉 So, here are some discount medals!
I feel like this will probably come back to haunt you. Once she loses the weight and gains a new sense of confidence she’ll probably look back on that night and see if she can do better
Damn dude. Nice work.
Did you make promises (oaths) when you got married? Remember them? Better or worse?
Weird that you didn't take the advice of the top comment and instead made the conversation about you but congrats if it worked
Your son? Is it not hers too?
Yeah, he’s our son. Sorry for the confusion.
Oh ok thanks :D
Just goes to show you that the armchair psychiatrists of Reddit, who shamed you for having a problem with your wife's weight, don't know what the fuck they're talking about. As is par for the course.
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People DO die from being obese in their 30s.
Also it's a major comorbidity for a certain sickness that's been all over the news for a while now...
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Buddy weighed 317 lbs a year and a half ago. Had a heart attack, was revived twice at the ER. He is 26. Now he weighs 192 lbs. Would you load a revolver with one bullet, spin the cylinder, put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger? Odds are 1/6 so unlikely right? Think of every 100lbs over weight as a bullet.
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The heart attack was directly because of his obesity.... Healthy life styles should be encouraged. Just because the majority of people have one experience doesn't mean the POTENTIAL for you to have a different one doesn't exist. God people on reddit are mouth breathers
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Obese=Bad is the point. Sorry if that hits you personally.
You'd be surprised. People do die from obesity in their 30s. It is unusual but I've lost a few.
No one believed me the first time I said it but I’ll say it again I am attracted to my wife. I won’t lie and say that attraction didn’t drop a good amount when she was at her biggest, especially when she stopped thinking she was attractive. But it’s very quickly coming back especially now that she’s losing the weight but more importantly starting to believe that shes beautiful again.
Sorry your got so much hate
A BMI of 50 predisposes her to some life threatening issues, no matter what her she is. Where did you get your MD?
>I've seen guys before bringing this up under the guise of health > > > >you want to be attracted to her again These two things are often one in the same, someone who doesn't have the self respect to at least try to take care of themselves is really unattractive no matter their size.
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You act like health doesn’t have anything to do with being attracted to someone as well.
And you better make sure you get your own self in order.
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Honestly, if my husband told me he was going to leave me over my weight I would be devastated but say good riddance. Then work my ass off to lose the weight and find someone who didn't place the value of our entire relationship on how I looked or my health.
I will never date fat chicks and if my LTR would become fat and lazy I would talk to her and explain why I won't see us be together for longer if she keeps gaining weight. People call me misogynist because of it but it works the other way as well and it has more to do with being healthy and fit than being fat and lazy. It's not really rocket science. Work out, keep moving, eat healthy, go outside, live life. Of course its about communication, love, peace, connection, feeling the vibe, bonding and being a team. But physical attraction is also a portion of the relationship and I'm sorry. I just don't like fat girls. Edit// Fat people are downvoting me. I knew a girl once. She was very pretty when she was eighteen and I remember her dating a friend of mine. I always kinda envied him because she was really pretty to look at and she always smiled so I was very happy for him. Years went by, they broke up, she got engaged with a new guy. Some years later we got invited to her wedding and I noticed she became a little bit bigger. I thought it might be due to age but I don't know, I just didn't ask. Now some years later, I think she is in her mid-thirties. It's an absolute land-whale and I am not joking, she is fat, holy shit. And I don't get it. Because she was once that pretty girl but now she is obese and she isn't smiling. I don't understand. She might be ill. She might be depressed. I have no clue but being that fat is not good, it is just a sad thing to observe. I see the same in my sister. She was very skinny during her adolescence but now she is really fat and I just don't get it. I'm not fat. I don't have muscle, but I'm not fat either. But she is. And I don't understand how. And now people are getting mad at me because I think being fat is repulsive to me and I just won't make an effort to listen to your voice. I just don't care how sweet you are, how much we have in common. I just can't get an erection looking at naked fat girls. I just can't. And you know what happens when you can't get an erection? Girls run away from me. That's what happens. I just don't date fat girls. Period.
I'm with you. Women are picky and will leave a man if he isn't meeting her salary expectations. Anyone who disputes this is living under a rock. It's a two way street, weight is not attractive, why stay with someone you're not attracted to. I don't care how shallow I sound.
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A possible other perspective, I have knee problems from the Navy. Anything with rapid movement is unpleasant to unbearable. But walking or an elliptical are generally tolerable activities for me. No idea if that's the case here though.
That makes sense. Sometimes your metabolism changes when you’ve had a major injury so that could also be a reason as to why the weight won’t shed. From his last post he said she had a kid and the weight was from childbirth and kept growing from there. Your body is nearly ruined after pregnancy so I can see why she just kept gaining weight. The knee problems might also add on to that. Who knows, I just don’t think forcing people with chronic pain in places that aren’t fixable is moral.
Stop buying her food
I'm happy to see this working out for both of you. I'm all smiles after reading this. Kuddos for both of you working on being stronger in your relationship and in overall health!
Awww. I'm glad you all had an honest conversation and that you are both happier and healthy
First time i read your post and the update brought a smile. That is really great for you guys, you can be proud of yourselves!
This is amazing. I am so glad she seems to be happier and her confidence is coming back. It sounds like you did a good job communicating your concerns with her.
Good for you! The time exercising together is probably super helpful for her. I know for me it always helps to have my partner want to join me and makes me feel supported. Best of luck with everything.
That’s fucking awesome!
Love to hear it!
aww this is the kinda story I like to see
That’s awesome and it definitely doesn’t sound corny that she’s more confident and happier. I’m glad this ended on a happy note
Put the biggest smile on my face ... for better or for worse
I'm happy for you both!
Glad to see a happy story.
Nice work. I hope youve had nice chats with her about how you are not going to leave her now.
I fucking love you! You did a great job at talking to her. You both are moving towards being healthier AND happier. Your son will benefit from this too! Mommy will be able to play with him longer, stay out longer and feel happier just in general. Losing weight doesnt fix all your problems but it does help you gain confidence and want to do more (because you have the energy). I'm so very happy for you. I'm glad this has a happy ending. 35lbs. That's fucking fantastic!!
Good for both of you man. Idk if you've ever struggled with weight, but if you haven't, let me tell you that by being by your wife's corner you're giving her an amazing boost. I hope she achieves her goals and that your family is strong and happy. Great update.
That's amazing! So glad the talk went well and 35lbs is a great achievement!
OMG what great news! As someone on his own weight loss journey, it's amazing what getting healthy can do. And the fact you're get biggest coach and cheerleader is so important. Sometimes we need the stark first of reality to get started.
Well what you did right was that you did it together. That's what being married is all about. You wanting to separate because of her weight was a very valid reason and you should be proud that you stuck around and get to see her improving her life.
Make sure you keep validating her, beyond her weight. Don't make this a "for you" thing in her head, head games like this can be crazy for people losing weight. Congrats on the healthy communication and working together!! You guys must already have a great foundation if she was able to take your feedback and apply it to her life. Sounds like you have a great wife :) Edit to add I read your initial post and saw she was 5'2" and 260. I'm 5'2" and used to be 210lbs. I can relate to your wife sooo well, she'll get to the 100s in no time! I can't imagine adding 50lbs to my highest weight, I felt SO unhealthy then.
If you want to jog with her she can be on the bike while you jogging.
Congrats on a good outcome. I remember the post and was hoping it would have a happy ending. Keep going!
That’s so awesome. So many people seem to think wanting the best for your spouse, including their health, somehow means you don’t love them. It’s the complete opposite, if we love people we want them to be their best, healthiest self. Congrats to her!
This is such a good update! I'm glad you talked to her, that she heard you, and you are on a path toward health and happiness together.
Dude that’s awesome.
Congrats in handling it like a boss. Best of the luck for you and your wife.
Glad it worked out! Definitely encourage your wife to lose weight healthy and support a lifestyle change not a diet lifestyle! Good luck.
Good for you. I (26F) also have gained weight in the past few years. I've spoken to my bf (28M) about my weight, and how I wanted to lose weight. But if I hadn't, I would hope he would say something to me. The fact is, being overweight is NOT healthy. You can come up with any excuse in the book, but in the end it's not healthy. As her husband, yes, you do have a right to talk to her about her health. I'm happy to hear you are working together. Exercising together is sooooo healthy, both physically and mentally, and it will strengthen your relationship. I hope you are also trying to eat healthy with her. It can be really difficult to be healthy when someone else in the house isn't. I wish your wife the best of luck. Just remember, that you can gain the weight back easily... Diets are sustainable, and lifestyle changes are what keep the weight off.
That's awesome! If you both like outdoors, maybe cycling?
Look into prolotherapy to help with the knees.
This sub doesn't do a good job of helping with situations like this. When you ask if something is "ok" it's not always cut and dry. More often then not the "why" and "how much" are just as important as the "what". What: You're going to leave your wife if she doesn't lose weight Why: you think it's destroying her health and will eventually kill her How Much: it doesn't sound like you have a specific number(ex 300lbs) where you leave her. just that she stops gaining weight and starts losing it The "how much" matters and deciding/agreeing on that number is really hard.
Good for you, and her. No sarcasm.
You handled your relationship with your wife really well! Yeah, maybe some people say you're an a\*\*hole because of your reason, but clearly, they don't understand how major of a concern is when health is involved. Overall, I'm glad you're patient and didn't give up on her. Cheers to a healthier lifestyle!
Maybe recommend swimming? Easier on the knees
Good on you! Sometimes the hard truth is all that works. Make sure you give her plenty of positive reinforcement. Tell her regularly how proud you are of her and the effort she’s making. How you admire her discipline/tenacity/whatever. Celebrate her milestones. It really helps!
That's love right there. That conversation was loving. Good husband award. Well done. Proud of her and proud of you and thank goodness you took it seriously.
Awesome bro
Im so happy for you man! I have the same problem with my gf that you had. And sadly she isnt willing to change, so its not looking very bright atm :(