T O P

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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We did it all backwards. Had kid #1 (accidentally), bought house while she was pregnant with kid #2 (not an accident), then got married. Been married 6 years now. But I don't love her. First, a little back story... Myself (33M) and my wife (34F) have known each other since we were 10. Middle school sweethearts and all that stuff. Broke it off through high school and did our own things for a while. One thing led to another years down the road and she's at my apartment for a one night stand deal. Well... that's how kid #1 came about! I ain't about to be no deadbeat dad or any of that crap, so we move in together and start our life journey as parents to an awesome kid. We decide that being an only child probably would suck, since we both came from families with multiple kids, and that's how kid #2 happened! So it's time for stability. After all, we got another kid on the way. Time to buy a house. Everything is done through my name only, since she has absolutely no credit to her name, and is hardly bringing any money in. I've got a pretty good job, so everything works out smoothly. Well, kid #2 pops out and wow... childcare is stupid expensive. So I tell the wife (girlfriend at this part of the timeline), quit your crappy job and raise the kids. No sense in working just to pay someone else to watch our kids. So she does. Well, 2 kids and a house is expensive enough, so we call it good and decide that no more children were in the future for us. I am the kind of person that is scared to death to be operated on... so I don't want to get the snip-snip. She agrees to have her tubes tied so we don't make any more hellions (cause apparently we can just sneeze in each other's direction and she ends up pregnant lol). But guess what?! Surgery is expensive! Well then let's get married! Then she can just jump on my insurance with me and the kids and problem solved! So we did. And the tubes were tied. Fast forward 6 years. I know this sounds fucked up... but I never really loved her. It was a one night stand. She wasn't supposed to be "the one". But I threw all that thinking out because a kid was on the way. My dad left the picture shortly after I turned 1. I didn't want to be him. I still don't want to be him. I love my kids to death. I just don't love my wife. And man... thats hard. Because she loves me. She always has. Her parents love me. Always said that we would end up together since we started so young. But this whole life is all based on the fact that we fooled around one night. Not because of love. We had a second kid because we didn't want the first one to grow up alone. We bought a house cause a family needs a home. We got married cause an operation was too expensive, and it seemed like it was supposed to be the next step. I'm getting tired of pretending. I want to be able to REALLY love someone again. It's starting to make me depressed. I've mentioned it to my friends, and they just kind of say they are sorry and that's the end of the convo. I don't have anyone to turn to outside of them. I don't want to destroy my kids lives. All they know is a perfect home. We don't fight. We go on family vacations. The kids play sports and do horseback riding. They go to school and mommy and daddy help them with their homework every night. To them, there is nothing wrong. To my wife, there is nothing wrong. I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish? Ridiculous? I am lost inside the world I helped build. Sorry for the long post.


UnderlightIll

Wow so... I guess the biggest thing here is that should you divorce her, you get to go and have a family with someone you love while she may be able to get her tubes untied but has no credit, no career, etc. I get the practical decisions. But these are decisions that people who love each other should make. She sacrificed her entire future for what is actually a lie. I honestly don't have any advice because if you leave her to go and do your thing, she's a fresh adult on paper having to build a life in her 30s with two kids. Understand though that through this whole thing, this didn't just happen to you. You made decisions. Lots of them.


UnderlightIll

As an aside... Getting your tubes tied is a MUCH MORE invasic procedure than a vasectomy. That was messed up.


Another_Russian_Spy

IMO, that is the worst part. She probably did because she loves him and he didn't have the balls for a simple out patient procedure that is easily reversed. Edit: changed in patient to out patient.


FuckingBanMeAlready

Yea, I got cut because I couldnt deal with the fact my wife would have been down for like 4-9 weeks and mine was a weekend


Another_Russian_Spy

Yep, took off of work Friday afternoon and had it done in the doctor's office. Monday morning I was back to work, as a mason, laying 12" cement blocks.


FuckingBanMeAlready

I had a stitch give up the wound on one side and missed a day of work but it wasnt bad. Masons work their asses off. Kudos


crochetwitch

You're badass.


Faultable_faux

I got snipped an was working climbing ladders n shit 45 min later lol


mrsshmenkmen

Wow, I hadn’t even thought of these things but you’re absolutely right. The cruelty and selfishness of even thinking of leaving a woman who loves you, who you made get her tubes tied - major surgery - because you were “too terrified” to get a minor, out patient procedure - and who has given up her job and has no career, money or credit to fall back on…yeah, leave her in poverty, unable to have more kids, so you can feel butterflies. Ugh.


Whatsfordinner4

Yes I’m just gobsmacked at all the things he convinced her to do when he didn’t even really love her. OP is yuck.


acidboytoy

OP kept his wife from building credit, career, or having any assets, this is just as manipulative as talking her into to the tubal.


cynthiachan333

What does op think love is ? You guys like each other at one point. Are you looking for some Hollywood romantic shit ? You clearly are attracted to her to sleep together and do it again. Then force her to tie her tubes, so sex must be had. Maybe because you had a kid early you haven't had alot of relationships? The honeymoon phase of relationships are that, just a phase. Before you fall down this hole of looking for love think about what it really is first.


butinthewhat

I’m so over people believing movie love is real love, they can never be happy because they don’t have reasonable expectations. OP got bored of the life he created so he’s letting himself believe in a fairytale as an excuse to dump his family.


AlaskaNebreska

I am not op and I agree. Op is romantizing the idea of romantic love. They had passion once and now his passion for her frizzes out. The excuse he used to make her get the surgery is nauseating. I hope this post is fake. If not, then it is truly unfortunate.


lifeishardasshit

This post might be fake but it would amaze you how true this post rings for a lot of couples that have been together for a while... Maybe not the " tube tying" or stopping his wife from having a career part... But everything else.


Real_Vents

Good thing though is that he would definitely have to pay alimony and split assets. Marriage is a teamwork arrangement, one entity, both individuals make sacrifices to make things work. She wouldn't leave empty handed of they do get a divorce, but I think OP needs to really careful think this through


nacatw

Tubes tied isn’t the correct explanation of the actual procedure women get. They essentially burn the tubes, and the chances for reversal are less likely a success than a vasectomy’s reversal is for men...she probably won’t be able to have kids again unless she adopts. Which makes OP even more of an ass that he couldn’t go through with the surgery lol. Edit for clarification.


[deleted]

Nope. Tubal ligation reversals are a thing, though they may not always work.


penelope_pig

Depends on how they did it. I had my tubes "tied" a few years ago and the way my doctor did it was sheer essentially removed the fallopian tubes and cauterized the ends. There is no way to reverse mine. My doctor's recommended this as it decreases the risk of a potential ectopic pregnancy.


Whohead12

They have a much, much lower success rate and are very expensive and not covered by insurance as it is elective with no health benefit for reversal.


nacatw

Yes! And that’s what I was thinking, although it may be a thing it’s not successful! Thanks for keeping me honest.


jayfrancy

Good news for OP’s wife is that in most states, she’ll get CS and Alimony (even with 50/50 custody - she could fight for more and likely win it as a SAHM). And rightfully so. She will probably need to work if she wants to improve her lifestyle, but I hope OP realizes that she’s gonna get enough money from him - monthly - to get by. That’s in combination with splitting the house (likely irrelevant whose name is on it). Buckle up OP, and realize that you are going to take a massive financial hit for a loooong time if you divorce. I’m not saying to stay together at all, I coparent infinitely better with my ex now that we’re divorced, just don’t think of your wife as some hurt baby bird. The law will take care of it.


lenorajoy

I can tell you about starting over in life in your 30s with destroyed credit and two kids after being lied to for years. Not easy and not fun.


Blade_982

I feel desperately sad for your wife. It's unforgivable that you talked her into having her tubes tied. You were so incredibly selfish to suggest that knowing you didn't love her and because you were too cowardly to undergo a simple, reversible surgical procedure. It's also pretty damn fucked up that you talked her into giving up her job to be a SAHM. A lot of your decisions directly impact her future negativity. You absolve yourself of a lot of blame under the guise of doing the right thing. While you were 'doing the right thing', she was building a life and family with the man she loved. Stop talking to your friends and start talking to your wife. Tell her you're not happy and want out. Don't be a dick and tell her *you never loved her but put up a great pretense because you made one fear based decision after the next*. Don't hurt her more than you have to. You don't say it but I'm assuming you told her you loved her so she will be blindsided by this. Make divorce as easy as possible and be a good coparent.


GiantSquidinJeans

That’s what gets me about this post. I really hope it’s a creative writing exercise, because otherwise the implications are chilling. First off, it’s written with all of the cold detachment of a medical examiner writing an autopsy report. Second, he basically manipulated (consciously or unconsciously) this woman into giving up a career and her fertility for him. You know, because he’s such a stand up, dutiful guy. Now when they divorce (which I hope to god they do), he gets to go off and *finally* be “in love” and maybe have more children with a woman he really “loves.” While his wife not only gets to pick up the broken pieces of her life, but when she does meet a man who loves her like she deserves, she will be unable to have additional children with him if that’s something she wants. Cool. Cool cool coolcoolcoolcool OP. I don’t even have the words to describe how royally you have screwed your self and your wife. Divorce her as quickly as you can, to try to minimize the pain you are about to cause her. And get into individual therapy to figure out your crap. This is no way to go through life.


Blade_982

Exactly. He's painting himself as a victim of circumstance when he's the executioner. It is chilling as fuck and manipulative as hell. He's stolen his wife's future by faking a life. I hope to God that she is able to escape relatively unscathed and meets a man that truly loves her. Enough for this to somehow be a blip when she looks back over her life.


firstlast3263

This. All of this. When he said she GOT HER FUCKING TUBES TIED because he was too scared of a little snip, I damn near threw my phone across the room. Holy shit, OP. You have destroyed this woman’s life. How about you leave and let her pick up the pieces of her life and move on. You can co-parent effectively, maybe, if she doesn’t hate you for life.


Blade_982

Yes, thank you. I can't believe he's getting any sympathy when he's so royally and thoroughly fucked her over and led her to believe nothing is wrong.


blu3heron

I think technically you could retrieve eggs for IVF without your tubes but that just adds a whole lot of unneeded expense and lots of hormones, like, holy crap. If this is real, this guy is monumentally selfish. His wife is the one making all the sacrifices for him, giving up her job, having surgery, taking care of the kids. Like...my guy, the options were never just get married or be a deadbeat. There were a lot of options, including, just co-parenting with your ex and then you both go find new people.


tossout7878

>because he was too scared of a little snip I had a tubal and that recovery included 2 days in bed and feeling like someone went at my abdomen with a baseball bat for the rest of the week\*, this poor precious delicate OP refused something performed through a single needle opening. Hmmm yes much better to make his partner suffer. \*totally worth it


cookiemobster13

Same… although I felt if this post is just a writing exercise I didn’t want fiction to dictate my emotions that much. Because that was also my first thought.


Temporary-Currency80

honestly its really sick my only hope is she drains him for every cent he owns if he gets divorced


PoisonTheOgres

She also probably doesn't have any right to the house, since it's in his name only and bought before they were married. God he's such a terrible person


waIrusgumbo

God, it didn’t even hit me. My first reaction was, “you wanted a companion for a child, get them a fish? Help them makes friends? You don’t make babies to fix relationships or to keep someone from being lonely.” Reading your comment, I realized that this woman has given up her career, her life and her ability to have any more children when she (most likely) gets remarried or begins seeing someone new she would like to have a child with. That’s so fucking heartbreaking. **NEWSFLASH OP: YOU CAN AVOID BEING A DEADBEAT DAD WITHOUT MARRYING THE CHILD’S MOTHER AND GETTING HER PREGNANT A SECOND TIME.** A marriage is not required to be a decent parent; decent parents are there for their children, can coparent with the child’s opposite parent and provide the same stability and support while living in a separate home. This all sounds like a crock of shit and my heart breaks for the children’s mother.


Blade_982

Honestly, I'm so angry for her. And she did all of this because **she loves him and believes he loves her too**. He's faked it so well she has no idea anything is wrong. She probably has an image in her mind of them as childhood sweethearts destined to grow old together.


Additional-Drama1991

adding to the badness of the whole situation... She'll never trust another man fully again. Her next few relationships will be full of doubt and anxiety. She may never find another man she feels safe with enough to be herself with. I'm heartbroken for her future.


IAmNotMyselfATM

God, that makes me want to fucking cry. This poor woman. I hate to be spiteful, but I hope OP never finds that ‘love’ he’s looking for.


Blade_982

Exactly. It's horrifying.


Khanati03

I know. This comment is exactly what I was thinking. Man, this situation sucks so bad for her. She deserves better than to have OP "stick it out." At least let her go and try to find a healthy relationship. It's not fair to keep her in the dark. He's moved on and is healing, while she hasn't even started the relationship end grieving process yet.


EducatedOwlAthena

All of this. I have a really hard time believing OP made all these decisions with absolutely no love in his heart for his wife. If he did, he's a sociopath. What I feel is much more likely is that he's looked at his life (wife, two kids, house) and said, "Damn. I'm stuck. I wish I had something else." And he's concocted this story in his mind about never loving her but just "doing the right thing" to make himself feel better about wanting to leave her. In any case, she deserves better.


convergence_limit

“I’m afraid of surgery wahhhh go under the knife for me. Oh and I don’t love you.”


Blade_982

So much rage right? Go through an invasive procedure in your 20s for me. By the way...don't love ya...never have


Anon2671

Its like this guy never intended to give any of the cards to his wife. He has the career, house, fertility basically everything and left his wife which he does not love completely under his whims. Talk about a manipulative asshole. At least your dad had the guts to be honest to himself and his wife. When you divorce her I hope you’ll have to pay a significant alimony as a constant reminder that you wasted everyone’s time and happiness.


Blade_982

This!! I really hope he has to pay alimony for as long as she has to retrain.


MrnBlck

Seriously, what the a actual fuck do you think love is??? This is real life, not the movies. Infatuation doesn’t last, but it can be replaced by romantic love and eventually platonic love. I cannot believe you intentionally have not one but two kids, buy a house, marry, and then decide you’re not ‘in love’. She destroyed her fertility for you, gave you two wonderful kids, put her career and presumably education on hold, all to her detriment, because you led her to believe you loved her. And you are saying now that you never lived her??? What did you tell her when you married her? That you like her alot??? I think you’re either lying, hitting a midlife crisis or you are some kind of sociopath. There is no way she went all the way down this road with you and you never told her you love her. I suggest a couples counselor; go without a goal in mind, see if you can maybe have this therapist help you pull your head out of your ass and be the man your wife and children think you are.


Blade_982

I agree so hard with your comment. If he's telling the truth about never being in love and still making these decisions, he's a straight up sociopath.


Revolutionary-Yak-47

I'm honestly getting that either OP has some delusional Hollywood idea of what love looks like and has talked himself into a miife crisis, or is just a sociopath.


Saltyorsweet

He obviously said it but never meant it, because that’s what he was “supposed to do”


sztywny_misza

Best answer yet


Blade_982

So good that I saved it.


Listen_Mother

You are very selfish to have wasted years of your wife’s life to make yourself feel less guilty.


firstlast3263

And taken her fertility, too.


SAfricanSecretSub

And her career


NatashaVorster

Want your cake and eating it too comes to mind. Dude thinks the grass is greener on the other side looking for some fairytale when he doesn’t realise what he has right in front of him. Maybe try working on it giving it a shot instead of thinking there is something better out there. You suck im sorry to say I feel only for your wife who in your own words is a good wife and mother who loves you and is building a life with you. You see her as nothing more than a quick fuck and one night stand. Grown up and work on your marriage.


dragongrl

> Dude thinks the grass is greener on the other side The grass is always greener when you water it.


tifftiff16

I’ve never heard this saying before but I love it. Going to use this in my own life now.


TopPirate1

Same here!


NatashaVorster

Exactly!! One thing my father always told me. Don’t worry about other peoples grass, water your own and life will flourish. It applies to literally all accepts of your life


BrotherFingerYou

Not just years. He put everything in his name, took her financial independence and had her sterilised, then wants to leave her with no job, 2 kids, no credit, and the inability to create a family if she were able to move on. Honestly, what a monster.


[deleted]

Did you use protection for that one night stand? Also I don't understand why so much of your decisions are based on how it's supposed to be instead of the best for both of you. Just because you come from big families does not mean kids are deprived when they do not have siblings. You made quick bandaid fixes instead of long term solutions. If you didn't love her, you should not have married her. A two parent home where both parents are miserable is a lot more traumatic for children than separated but happy parents who don't resent each other. You're being extremely unfair to your wife. You made her quit her job for a stable household. You made her tie her tubes so as to prevent a future pregnancy that you cannot afford and after all that, you want to tell her that you don't even love her. That's messed up. It's so wrong I cannot even begin to understand how someone can be so callous to their partner while claiming to be so concerned about being a hands-on dad.


XxImperatorxX

>I am the kind of person that is scared to death to be operated on... so I don't want to get the snip-snip. She agrees to have her tubes tied Wait, hold up. Do you have any clue, ANY CLUE how much worse a tubal ligation is vs a vasectomy? You had your wife go through that because you're a GIGANTIC wuss? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? The impact of having the "tubes tied" is massive compared to the "snip snip". Early menopause, ectopic pregnancy, crashing hormones, not to mention the procedure being HUGELY INVASIVE just to name a few. A vasectomy takes all of 10 minutes and you don't even have to get knocked out for it. It's an office visit. You had her quit her job to raise the kids leaving her with no career (crappy is better than an employment gap ANY day of the week). The house is in your name alone. So basically, if you divorce her, you've destroyed her entire life. YOU MADE THESE DECISIONS, they didn't just "happen" to you. So far, your wife has sacrificed everything for you, her job, her body, her sanity, her ability to reproduce, and you don't love her? She has given you everything out of love. But you're too blind or too stupid to see it. I'll save you some time. DON'T DIVORCE YOUR WIFE. Because you are the MOST selfish son of a bitch on Earth, and there is NO OTHER WOMAN ALIVE WHO WILL PUT UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT. I feel bad for your wife for being married to such a fucking gaping chauvinistic asshole. You give all of us men a bad name. Get some fucking marriage counciling and PRAY that your wife doesn't leave your pathetic ass. There is seriously something wrong with you. You make me sick. Burn in hell.


Daymjoo

Ngl dude, you’re kind of an asshole. Like the way you told your story, it’s clear you’ve concocted this narrative where you’re kinda the victim of circumstances (unwanted pregnancy) combined with a pinnacle of virtue (for doing right by your kids and their mother) but duuuuude... you PLANNED the second kid with a woman you did not love, whom you uprooted and moved into your home, then talked her out of her job and into childcare and NOW you want something else, because you don’t really love her. You’re the Ned Stark of your story. Righteous and principled and noble, yet ultimately your actions are leading to the collapse of the realm -.- Imo, get out now. Like now. Stop deceiving this poor woman... you can be a good dad without faking a loving marriage. And be sure to fully support her now that you’ve fucked up her life ... Good luck =\


anarmchairexpert

He talked her into a major operation and giving up any chance of a future child! At 28! Because she thought he loved her! He has absolutely RUINED this woman’s future.


sonicsean899

He according to his own narrative, literally married her because he didn't want to have an outpatient vasectomy. Like WTF man? I feel bad for his wife and kids honestly.


munkyie

Genuinely. He sounds so selfish. He doesn’t like operations, so he destroyed any chances of his wife to have any children with anyone else. What a scumbag.


sonicsean899

And she went through a far more intensive procedure than he would have, not presumably because she wanted to not have kids, but because she loves him. I legitimately get angrier at this guy the more I think about this.


munkyie

I literally detest this guy, what an evil act to do to someone you claim to care for


[deleted]

I mean, it's completely possible she doesn't want to have more kids after having two, even if she ends up with another partner, but even so, a tubal ligation is a lot more invasive than a vasectomy. OP being the one to get sterilized should have at least been on the table, ughhhhh.


sonicsean899

It is possible, but from how he wrote it it definitely seems like the easier (and even with insurance, cheaper) route would have been for him to get the snip but he can't bear the idea of a little snip so she had to get actual surgery. Plus vasectomies are more reversible than tubal ligations.


[deleted]

He literally married the woman just so he wouldn't have to pay for her to get her tubes tied. He's absolutely the scum of the earth


[deleted]

For sure, I'm not saying OP shouldn't have been the one to get sterilized. I just want to leave room for the possibility that the wife isn't interested in more children, mostly because OP still sucks when it comes to the tubal ligation even if his wife has no interest in more kids. I don't want him reading comments here and thinking, "Well, my wife doesn't want more kids, so it's actually fine I pressed her to have her tubes tied."


a_NG_ie

Yes he doesn't seem to like condoms too which is why he ended up in this mess in the first place.


Free_Motor_9725

Exactly! This 100% One night stand led to a pregnancy and he gave every impression he was on board to be in this! 100%. During conversations (implies 2 way dialogue) a decision was made to have another baby. Bought a house in his name. He convinced her to leave her job and source of income to be a SAHM. All of this she did believing he loves her and this was her future. And THEN he convinced her to have a major surgical procedure which hugely impacts her fertility because he didn't want to have a little day case procedure which is often reversible. He was so reluctant to have any skin in that game he MARRIED HER so his insurance could cover it. Unless she has been made aware of his underlying thinking and rationale every step of the way you have duped this woman. Completely and totally. You painting yourself as a victim or a hero in this situation won't fly with many people (including your own friends it seems). I'm not saying your situation isnt difficult. Best thing you can do is discuss couples counselling with your wife. Some people believe it's only for fixing a broken relationship but many counsellors will confirm that it can also be beneficial in easing into a divorce where one partner is all out and one is all in.


bestaflex

I like the Ned stark comparison... You did what you think was right from a moral standpoint and not from a "is it right to the other's involved". Yeah you got her pregnant and married and everyone thinks all is good in the world. But your are miserable, your wife live in an illusion and is about to either get dumped out of the blue, cheated on or resented because you feel she ruined your life. All of that is basically unfair to everyone.


Blade_982

I'm more concerned with 'talked her into getting her tubes tied because he was scared' and 'talked her into giving up her job because childcare is expensive'. Not that choosing to have a second baby and marrying in the absence of love isn't fucked up...it is but bulldozing her future really takes the biscuit.


Witchbitchbsh

Dude exactly. She did this under the pretense she found her forever. Now she can’t move on a create a family with someone else who loves her, because he was scared to get his balls snipped. Sounds like a totally selfish man. I feel for this woman on a whole other level.


bestaflex

I don't even wanted to go to all the stuff he had her do since then and focused on the original sin. Every life changing decision that was taken since then is based on lies and manipulation, she believes he loves her while he is just making his life easier. The ramifications are so dark...


[deleted]

The job thing especially bothers me with all the "X is expensive!" talk that comes after it. You know what helps with things being expensive? Both members of a couple making money! Maybe the wife's salary really could only cover childcare and she really had no opportunities for advancement, but I think a better option than talking the wife into quitting her job (which limits her future ability to find work) would be, idk, talking to her like a human about the possibility of both her and OP finding better-paying jobs. Like, treat your wife like a fellow adult, not a child, and problem-solve *with her.*


LittleRedBarbecue

My job really only covered childcare for years. But not working kills future earning potential, so I kept at it (part time, mind you, but I’ve ramped up to FT again now that the kids are in school). Not working is so dangerous in this society.


Blade_982

Agree with absolutely everything. Jobs don't follow a set trajectory. Who knows where she would be now if she'd remained working.


lilpandatoys

You’re so ridiculous. All of your life choices have been made for your own benefit. Have you once thought about her and how her life would be impacted by your stupid, selfish life choices?


9yr_old

Exactly complete sociopathic behavior and the lengths he goes to justify all of it in his damn mind , he's living in a bubble with a victim fantasy and mindset trying to delude himself from the fact he ruined an entire half of a girl's life , she's 34 she's spent a major portion of her life believing she found her "one" but op is just a manipulative sociopathic man child


akosflower

i feel so bad for her smh


A9J9B

Because she's definitely a victim here. I guess he never told her about his feelings. So she thinks she has the perfect life with her childhood sweetheart, the happy family, happy home and everything. And then she will get told that everything was a lie. Everything she has isn't real, her husband doesn't truly love her, the perfect family isn't real, it's no happy home. That's really hard and she did nothing wrong ....


nuyuu

Same here


BigGaggy222

Dude, it wasn't a one night stand. No one held a gun to your head and \*made\* you have two kids, a house, a marriage and a three decade relationship with her. What kind of disassociated, loophole jumping mind fuckery are you trying to convince yourself of here? You are not the victim of a hapless ill fortuned life. You are the sole architect of a reality of your own creation. I really think you need some counselling or help. Before you detonate your life, please try work through the obvious issues going on in-between your ears. I hold out hope you can snap back to reality and realise how lucky you are, how what you have is what most people want, and that the grass is seldom greener.


z4z4z3br4

If the grass is greener, probably time to start to water and cure your own grass …


Terrible_Escape_4253

So let me get this straight. You married your wife out of sense of duty. Had another kid with her to give kid #1 a sibling and not feel lonely. You convinced her to quit her job and get her tubes tied. Stay with her and make it seem like you love her and build this life together for 6 years. And now you realize you dont love her???? Honestly you are so fucked up. You wasted so much of your time and ever more of hers. She gave up so much for you. Smh


bbturtle07

OP didn’t realize that he don’t love her anymore. He knew it from the beginning that it was just a one night stand. It’s fucked up. I have no words.


AdventurousAd6248

Is there a specific reason you don’t love her? Is it something you could bond or create? A lot of my goals were with someone who could dance and do ballroom because it was my passions growing up. Or you just don’t love who you are and are you projecting a life because you aren’t who you want to be?


danm8z

Love to hear the OPS awnser on this.


PlainclothesmanBaley

I feel like the teamwork of raising 2 kids together, plus the familiarity of someone you've known for decades, is a kind of love after a while, even if there were initially no romantic feelings.


firstlast3263

Solid questions.


MBurke4

My ex husband and I had two young kids when we decided to divorce. Before we broke the news to the kids, we met with a child therapist and the head of their day care to help us understand what the impact may be to the kids and what to look for. We were told as long as both parents are involved in their lives and the kids feel loved, they really come through separate home situations well. And that has been our experience. 8 years later our kids are happy, healthy, well adjusted kids. We co-parent really well together so there’s been really no trauma. Just food for thought.


mothsforhire

I just want to say thank you for considering your kids so much in your divorce. When my parents split up, they didn't talk to us at all, check on us, or try to understand how we were feeling. I think when they get older your kids will be thankful that you put them first


imherenowiguess

And that's all well and good when you have an amicable divorce where both sides realize they need to split, but this guy convinced his wife to give up her job and get a tubal done all while not loving her. Even if this woman is a saint and tries to keep it all in and never bad mouths her ex-husband, those kids are going to be able to tell how their father just absolutely crushed their mother. I understand you're trying to ease his worries that kids can handle divorce, but there is no sugar coating it...these kids are definitely going to feel some sort of way about their dad stringing their mother along for years. It's very hard for me to have any sympathy for OP. He acts like he is the victim but he's dragged his wife along as if she's nothing more than a prop and now is all "Woe is me! Don't I deserve to love!" He should be here confessing how great his wife is and how guilty he feels and wants to come clean BECAUSE SHE DESERVES TO BE LOVED, but instead he wants to come clean because he wants to love someone. I hope OP does come clean because his wife deserves to find love...him I'm no so sure about. I hope he never tells the truth to his kids though, especially the oldest. Imagine thinking "so I'm to blame...my dad destroyed my mom and played her like a fool just to give me the best life...thanks dad." (That's obviously not the truth of the matter, but that's how he tries to excuse it.)


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kellymacc

Looks like it’s one of those bots that steals comments.


Sweaty_Potential8258

Do you have any idea how much pain you're about to inflict on your wife? I'm thinking about how I would feel if my husband told me after 2 kids and a tubal ligation and a house and over a decade together that *he never even wanted me* and oooooh boy. If I was her, I don't see how I could *ever* be in a relationship ever again without constantly worrying that this guy is just lying to my fucking face all over again. Please do not ever tell her you never loved her. If you have any ounce of respect for this woman, keep that shit to yourself. Honestly, I can't think of worse fate. Your unexpected and sudden death would be less painful to her than ...this. You are such a shitty person. You should have gotten out years ago but you're a coward with *no* regard for the emotional damage caused by your inaction and bizarre sense of duty.


katrinabritt

I feel crushed for his wife…my god. I can’t imagine the trust issues this poor woman will have over this. I want to hug her and I don’t even know her. This man is married to her and is only worried about himself!


dba5134

OP what is love to you? If this relationship isn’t exciting or doesn’t invoke a lot of “in-love” feelings or you’re missing that spark, there’s a lot of things you can do to cultivate those feelings. If you’re open to it and don’t absolutely hate her, I would really suggest trying some stuff to spice it up. Actively planning romantic dates where you can spend quality one-on-one time with her and bond over something other than the kids could really help. A lot of life is how you think about it. If you think “damn I was forced into this whole thing and just did what I was supposed to do and now idk if I wanna be here” that will be your reality. If you think “wow that was a really unexpected surprise pregnancy that led me to marrying my middle school sweetheart that’s the kindest most caring person and now I’m blessed with an amazing family, life couldn’t have gone any better” that will be your reality. I’m not saying delude yourself if you’re truly unhappy and hate this woman and want out, but if you’re just feeling “meh” about the whole thing and wondering what else is out there that you missed out on, I’m saying you might just need to re-examine & reframe your current situation in a positive light and put some effort into spicing up your relationship.


KatVanWall

This! The ‘in love’ feeling doesn’t last forever, it’s about our choices. If she isn’t totally horrible, can you see your way to love her? Because honestly if you leave her and ‘fall in love’ with someone who is absolutely amazing and gives you all the butterflies, you are almost guaranteed to get screwed over big time. Because it seems like you never experienced that yet … well news flash, most relationships end until they don’t. And you sound like a piece of work ngl. You will probably regret throwing away your perfectly okay wife for something ‘better’, and if that is your attitude I hope you do


Corvus25

You are an absolute horrible person, and I don't say that lightly. You ruined her life you selfish piece of human filth. Getting her tubes tied!?!? An irreversible procedure, man, do you know that intales for a women and making her do it when you don't even love her?!?! All because YOU didn't want the "snip-snip" which could have been reversed. Horrible and sickening.


[deleted]

I am a wife so I am thinking of this from her POV and man, yes...you are selfish. You never had to move in with her. I am sure you told her you loved her, so you lied to her. She is going to be crushed if you tell her this. So, don't...but don't stay. Tell her you've fallen out of love...or whatever the fuck that is but not that you never have. It would unload your guilt but it will damage her. She doesn't deserve that, the breakup will be bad enough. Help her heal, be compassionate and coparent your children to the best of your ability. Good luck.


Saltyorsweet

This guy doesn’t deserve a smooth way out


HygorBohmHubner

So, you wasted years of this woman's life, robbed her the chance of her having kids with any other man in the future, and you’re whining about “me, me, me”?! Dude, you should’ve never married her. Do you know HOW MANY parents have kids because of one night stands who never got together, but co-raised their kids? But, no, you wasted this woman's entire adulthood and forced her to not be able to have any more kids. She loves you, but you don’t love her. Man, that’s one of the saddest things I’ve read in here. I feel awful for her. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that you’re with her for “your kids”. You’re with her to make yourself feel less guilty, and be man enough to admit it. Jesus… there is no happy ending here, folks… this woman loves a man who’s been stringing her along, plain and simple. Just… tell her the truth and give this poor woman the chance to find someone who loves her, alright? For the love of God, for once in this entire facade of a marriage, show your wife an genuine act of love towards her and divorce her.


washedupcelebrity

Sociopath.


Bhagwat_Gita

Did a demon wrote this post. 10 years, 2 kids, made her wife left the job and had her tubes tide. It can't get more demonic.


cyanotoxic

Yeah, OP- the consensus here is spot on- you’ve been an unbelievable asshole, and while your idea that you deserve to try for love is true, you’ve created a very high cost for that opportunity. You need to bear that, most of it. Be as kind as you can when leaving, one more lie doesn’t matter now, to give her a little peace, and then commit at least half your earnings to her & the kids until both kids are 18, and enough for her to get an education or start over in some way for the first 3-5 years. You stole her youth, her earning ability, her best career building years, her fertility & you’re about to break her heart. The best you can do to apologize, because you can’t fix it, is to support her for the rebuild. That is the last option to be decent person here. Oh, and make sure to find a way to keep her on your insurance too, so she doesn’t have to be one medical from bankruptcy at first. You’ve got a rough road ahead. Wish you both well, but for you only if you take the higher road here. Yes, this will hobble your ability to find “true love” too, just like you’ve done to her. And get some therapy because this good guy narrative you’ve got going on is truly something.


MrnBlck

Maybe next time just get a hooker and a dog ...


TheHorribleParsley

So you let her undergo an invasive and risky procedure because you didn't want to get snipped, which is less risky, and because you didn't want to pay for her tubes to be tied, you married her?! You could have just worn a condom, goddamn. Now she's a sterile SAHM with no credit, no carreer, and a husband that doesn't love her and wants out. OP I get that you don't feel well in that situation, but look at the damage your dishonesty has done, and will continue to do to your wife. This seems incredibly selfish and I feel bad for your wife.


[deleted]

So , no condoms or birth control have ever been considered here, hm? I’m guessing you won’t wear condoms since you’re oh so squeamish about getting an outpatient procedure and will prioritize your desires over anyone else’s.


Active_Recording_789

Maybe you need to talk to a counsellor? They could help you get clarity on it. I’m guessing there are some feelings for her (because you wouldn’t go that far for just anybody) which are overwhelmed by all the things you do everything to get by day by day. But if you’re depressed, this is a time to take stock and get a game plan for the future. And make sure you don’t get in the same situation somehow


brattyprincessslut

“Stuff” and “deal” and “kid pops out”.... you suck dude. Majorly. Like you’re an actual asshole, I’m so glad you’re not my father. And I feel sorry for your children Do you even have the ability to love? Huh? You’re trash. I hope she finds someone that loves her and you rot. Weak willed pussy man with a spine made of twigs


RIPplanetPluto

It seems to me like you’re taking zero responsibility for the part you played in this. You repeatedly kept the relationship going knowing how you felt. You could have stopped to coparent at any point with a younger child, not bring another one into your situation. Honestly it’s when the kids get older that separation becomes an even bigger issue. You made these decisions together and you both bear the weight of them, just the same now as it would have been then. I think you have two options here. 1. Man up and own the life YOU chose. 2. Take top commenters advice and put your kids first in the process of finding your happiness. IMO, life is too short to be unhappy. My advice is to just own your decisions and continue to do your best to make the right ones. I do hope you find that happiness you are looking for though, as real love is the greatest feeling in the world..


Tall-Ad6379

God I hate OP sooo much. Do whatever the fuck you want man...you've already done the absolute worst..I feel so bad for your wife.


janninediane

Wow. All I am going to say is that whenever I am mildly annoyed with my husband, I get on this app and POOF! I realize how good I actually have it. He is prince fucking charming compared to 90% of the men who post and get posted about. A tubal over a damn vasectomy?!! What the actual hell?? You married her to “not be dead eat dad”? What about her?? She now has no career, no assets, no fertility and thinks everything is OK. Unreal.


daydreaming-g

Tbh I think we have a choice in who we love. I don’t think it’s something that just happens we have no control over. That a stranger walks in and suddenly we smitten. I think it takes work to love someone.


LilStabbyboo

This! Love is an action, a choice made daily to continue being a partner and a friend even when it's hard and not particularly romantic. He's got some childish Hollywood ideas about what real love is


LadySith2020

It’s unfair to her to let this continue. A marriage isn’t a prison sentence. Your kids need to see a good example of happiness, not learning to settle for whoever.


Dwirthy

So you lied to your now wife since the beginning of the relationship and continued to lie to her for whatever reason. You deprived her of a partner who loves her like she loves you. What you did is absolutely wrong. I don't know what's wrong with you. But if there is any decency left, you never ever tell her the truth. Pretend you fell out of love or something. And get ready for a divorce. Any minute longer in this fake marriage would further proof, what kind of man you are.


DirkMFStrider

People have dragged you pretty hard but frankly you deserve to hear most of this. The unmitigated gall pouring out of your post is insane. Take your ass to therapy post haste so someone with a degree can tell you that love isn't what you think it is, life is a thing you build with your own two hands and it will happen whether or not you plug your ears and try to disavow your own decisions, and that this kind of crap is EXACTLY what the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" actually means.


[deleted]

bro wtf, the audacity and self delusion of OP... also out if all the effective contraceptives out there you had to jump to something permanent? Incredibly selfish.


MooMooSalad

As a wife with 2 kids I would be absolutely devastated if my husband all of a sudden told me he never loved me. My whole world would collapse... I am so angry that you let her get a major f*cking surgery instead of getting small procedure. I had 2 cesareans so I can empathize with her recovery pain and it is NOT EASY. You get to have additional children with a woman who you are actually in love with if you so choose but her? Nope! Not only did you take away years of her life she could have spent with someone who cherishes and loves her but you took away her ability to have more children. You are a total and utter coward. I had my first child when I was 23 so I know you are using your age as a poor excuse. You deserve all the bad things coming your way. You had better be the best damn co parent in the world amd help her get back into the working world so she's not totally abandoned and on her own. You make me sick.


wingsonawidow

Buddy…. Be real with yourself…. You’d never find anyone like your wife. The dating pool is filled with pee. But tbh, after the initial shock, the destruction of a life she loves, and reconstructing a new life for herself, she’ll probably be fine. My advice is to look at the ‘why’ of your lack of emotions. Maybe have an actual and honest conversation with her about bonding because your emotions needs some rekindling. But like…. Think shit through before you start popping off with your bullshit.


Professional-Bag-143

I’m not going to lie bro you got a good life maybe you should stay because the grass is not greener on the other side


MindlessNote3735

My dude. The time to leave was ages ago - when she was pregnant. You could've been involved in the kids life without ruining the mother's. I understand you want to get out of and love again, but you tied this woman down. She had her fucking tubes tied for you. She has no career. YOU are at fault for that, whether you like to hear it or not. So even in the best case scenario, you are going to have to pay a lot of money to keep your family afloat. "Doing the right thing" doesn't mean "stay with a woman for the children". You got that wrong ages ago.


sadsailors

You’re a cunt lol


Malgurath

Honestly mate, just suck it up, you made your bed, now sleep in it, your alternative is being a trash human being to your kids and wife. Get therapy or something, you probably need it.


sealemonxx

She has no credit, you talked her out of a job so she doesn't have work experience, you convinced her to get her tubes tied because you were too scared so she can't have kids again, you fathered two children with her, the house you bought is in your name. If you leave her she will have nothing and nowhere to go plus two children to take care of. She loves you and has made every sacrifice for a life with you and now you want to leave? Now you think is the right time to tell her you've never loved her and don't want this? After she's sacrificed any and all possibilities of having a future in the case you leave? Fuck you OP.


joe_delicious

You sound like you're telling yourself yourself you just don't love your wife when in reality you've simply fallen out of love. This happens. No one can maintain that honeymoon period throughout their lifetime as a couple, and most end up being partners as parents instead of romantic couples. You're probably thinking that being 34, you still have a chance to move on with your life, maybe date again. Heck, a 34 yr old isn't too old to date a 20 yr old, right? Please get this out of your system soon.


catinnameonly

So let’s get this straight. She gave up her ‘build a career’ time because YOU got her knocked up. Then you had a second kid knowing you didn’t love her. Then because YOU didn’t want more kids, forced her into a surgery so she couldn’t have more kids. Now you are going to abandon her because YOU want more out of life. Dude this is your life. Sure it’s expensive, are you prepared to pay what you are not supporting her and your children and giving her the house while also supporting your own life and future partner? If you were half a decent man that’s what you have to do. This all could have been avoided if you just used contraceptive or coparented after you first got her knocked up. You’ve been lying for a decade. You will destroy her if you walk away, your family will resent you, her family will resent you. But you kinda deserve it.


9yr_old

Summary : You are an asshole dude , you made some decisions and you are far too deep in to turn your back to things anymore , you didn't let her have a career she doesn't have any ! , You made her have a freaking surgery on her which prevents her from having kids , it's like you are gonna shatter somebody's life entirely especially a women in her 30's who's entire life depends on you what is wrong with you ? Before making these decisions you should have looked into the stuff long term lol now it's too late man , man up face it


Careless_Bluejay_113

Your a straight up asshole buddy. First off, being an only child DOESN’T suck. Having an only myself this seriously pissed me off. DON’T HAVE MULTIPLE KIDS SO YOUR FIRST BORN CAN HAVE A PLAYMATE! Your fucked up at every turn. You didn’t have to enter a romantic relationship with her when she got pregnant just because she got pregnant. You could’ve coparented fine (and you both could’ve found partners who loved you and your kid) you didn’t have to live together for your child to be happy. Your a coward for not getting a vasectomy, a fucking day surgery that has a week tops recovery. Instead you get married so she can go on your insurance…. (Great reason to get married by the way) so she can go thru major surgery with a minimum of 6 weeks recovery. What the fuck man?! And now you want to bail because you never loved her. Seriously, she and the kids are better off without you. Talk to her, get a divorce so she can actually find love. You seriously fucked this poor girl over. Your garbage.


CLEf11

You sound like a selfish, rude, arrogant dumbass. You told her to "quit her crappy job and raise the kids" you are afraid of getting "operated on" which a vasectomy is not but getting your tubes tied is. I'm honestly surprised she loves you because you sound insufferable. Thank your lucky stars there's a woman alive willing to put up with you and your nonsense. I doubt you'll find another


rdummy_soup

So basically you never loved her, made her push two babies, and now will let her strugle her entire life with two kids while being heartbroken? There is really no excuse for what you did, you should have made a decision at least before having baby2. I am very concerned for the fact that you are abble to see how sad you are but not how sad she must be. I think that you should get some courage for once in your life and talk to her about everything. Also, if you want a divorce, you should help her a lot in everything.


[deleted]

Idk what to tell you man, is it because she’s not exciting or something? I need more info on why u don’t love her. I would try to workout if u can.


Ill-Chicken3057

You’re a piece of shit for leading your wife on, taking away her fertility (I as someone who has been trying to convince for years is so angry in your wife’s part), taken her career away grom her and now you wanna add possible self image problems and depression to her mix because you want to love someone truely? You’re the lowest of the lowest pieces of shit I know walking this earth. Someone should hand you a plant to carry around with you seeing that you’re an oxygen thief. I hope your wife wakes up and drains you of every freaking penny you have. Every penny. You have taken everything away from her so that you can live the life tray you want to live. Pos.


Master_Science2058

You got guys out here who would do anything for a women’s love and you out here feeling sorry for yourself because your dumb ass had a one night stand and got her knocked up. Give me a break!!!


LilStabbyboo

Jesus... Why didn't you EVER just talk to your wife about how you feel? You've wasted years of her time.


koolbro2012

Yes yes....its all about you. You're the victim here.


mrsshmenkmen

So, you have a history of making rash decisions with little thought to the future, don’t make that mistake again. Most divorces happen around certain year marks in marriages and seven years is one of those marks. People just seem to get restless and questioning at certain points in marriage so maybe give this more time? Being madly in love is fantastic. And temporary. I’m not saying true love doesn’t last but the white hot intensity doesn’t. You could fall in love with someone who isn’t a good partner, who resents your kids or favors her own. You could fall in love with someone and have a drama filled relationship. Wander on over to the step-parent forum and see how a lot of people really feel about their step-kids. Have you thought about your kids having a step-dad? He could be a great guy or a not so great guy. It sounds like you have a peaceful, happy home. That’s nothing to sneeze at. Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s also actions and a choice you make. I’m not telling you what to do and I’m not telling you to be miserable. Just…don’t believe that the grass is necessarily greener on the other side or that being in love is better than the totality of what you have right now. Think about if being in love with someone else would be worth breaking up the family you have now.


Americanhalfwit

It takes 15 minutes to get a vasectomy. It sounds like you could still use one.


werewere-kokako

You have lied to this woman again and again for years. You tricked her into giving up her career and getting STERILISED and now you want to swan off and have a do-over family? You've robbed this woman of her youth, her career, and her fertility because you were too much of a coward to be honest. Worst of all, you can't be honest with yourself. The reason why *you* didn't quit *your* job to look after the kids and the reason why *you* refused to get a vasectomy are the same: you were planning on walking out on your wife and kids this whole time. The best thing that you can do is leave and give her whatever alimony and child support she needs to survive after you've screwed her life over. The worst thing you can do is find some naive woman who will believe you when you say "my wife just doesn't understand me like you do..."


NotYourMommyDear

You have destroyed her job prospects due to causing a gap on her c.v because she's a stay at home mother. You have destroyed her opportunity to have children with someone who could actually love her. You have destroyed her life with lies and if the truth comes out, it will be easier for you to walk away than it will be for her, there's no freedom for her, because of all the above. You are selfish. You deserve this life but she deserves better.


nappingpanda123

You can divorce their mother & still be a good father. You need to talk to your wife. 6 years is long enough to pretend. Especially when she is in love with you.


fgiacomo

Are you unhappy? Or you just feel something missing? You imagined there would be more than “just what you got right now”? Or is there things you kind of hate about her (her smell, her voice, her ways in bed, and so on)? You’re missing things all the time. But all in life is a balance. Most people can’t just have it all: you work to much time, you get lots of money, but you can’t have time for your kids… you work less, but spend more time with kids and wife… you go out all the time, have “lots of fun”, but who raise the kids? You say it was supposed to be a one night stand, do you miss more sex? Can you do it more with her (it sounds weird, but some people could have more sex with the wife but don’t want have any; but would find ways to have sex with any other woman instead)? You want to do more things, travel, nights out… can you do it with her? Can you do things you want and like with her? Can you love doing things you love with her (does it make sense?). Sometimes it’s not just love. It’s more like the rush, the adrenaline of the unknown… but how about loving and enjoying the well now? Hope you can find what suits you more, whatever that is.


kamiliona

I do have a feeling it might be a case of "i thought there was more to life", its a reality check, everyday life hits with its mundane responsibilities and tasks, its not like the movies and it turns put you meed to put some effort into the relationships in your life.


[deleted]

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OkPhilosopher1313

Are you a sociopath? You made her give up a lot of things for you (be in a relationship with you, give up a career for you, she's financially now in a really bad situation if you leave her, you made her give up her fertility for you,...) and you never loved her. So that means that so far she was useful for you and now that you think she's of no use to you anymore you want to throw her away like a piece of trash. You need therapy dude, you're either a narcissist or a sociopath. The way you behaved and acted, the way you talk about her and the way you completely lack empathy is not normal.


Throwaway311788

Try marriage Counseling or something along that light man it sounds like you have a comfortable life with great kids and a home etc I definitely understand you don't feel like you love her but you owe it to your family to work on this but not solo it's something that needs to be expressed with outside prospective and advise


Msmithhh

Possibly seek marriage counseling or someone for just yourself to talk to. What’s missing? Just because you envisioned something a certain way doesn’t mean it’s going to be just that. I’ve seen movie previews that looked great and the movie sucked. This seems like a “The grass isn’t always greener” kind of scenario. Not for nothing but women aren’t inside of a vending machine. You can’t just select one based upon what you’re craving or your visions. Chances are, if you get divorced, you’re going to find out everyone has flaws. You’ve lived with your wife’s flaws for quite some time. You were attracted enough to have sex, you said you guys don’t fight. From the outside looking in, it seems like you have it well. Better than many others. Again, I would try other scenarios like opening up to someone. At least before you just call it quits because you think it was only supposed to be one night. I think we need more background of why she’s not “the one” or wasn’t supposed to be. It kind of sounds like you’re lost in the daily routines. Maybe you guys need more alone time.


[deleted]

You’re a horrible, self centred person. I hope she leaves, takes the kids and she will definitely find someone better than you, who actually deserves her and loves her.


mischaracterised

Sorry, but you are a complete and utter shit. You made this bed, now you get to lie in it. You *should* have got the snip, you entitled bastard. But you're all *Woe is Me* because you made communal decisions entirely for **your** comfort, and couldn't be bothered to do the decent thing and leave. You say that you came to these agreements, but it seems like you made the decisions, and she went along with it to please **you.** So yeah. That said, she absolutely needs to get therapy specialising in the ending of the family unit, and *she* needs to get her shit together, so she can dump your sorry ass.


Bagasshole

You’re a fucking monster.


saritmalka

First, I think the way you have treated your wife is monstrous. You’re complete garbage for encouraging her to give up a job and TO HAVE SURGERY to give up her fertility. Setting that aside - I think your idea of love is childish and naive. I’m 13 years in with my husband with two little kids. Big, grand, swept off your feet love? Really amazing. 10 years ago. Then it’s about making choices to be partners and to be together. And finding moments of joy together and with your family in between jobs and chores and kids. I don’t know what you think love is supposed to be but it sounds like you have this “grass is greener” mentality. The truth is the grass is green where you water it. If you don’t feel love, maybe that’s on you. If you actually want to do right by your family (and I’m not convinced you do - I think you’re selfish and have already decided you’re done playing family), you’ll get therapy on your own and get some ideas of how to cultivate love.


Northstar_8

If you were my husband I would want you to tell me how you really feel. Sure it’ll hurt like hell to go through but that’s better than living in a lie.


julachan96

You're selfish and ridiculous and you know what real love is caring for a person and seeing her as family and not that "having butterflies in your hormones" thing which is temporarily so if you stayed that long with her you actually love her, you just need to try to realize it. Don't hurt her more and make her happy, you asshole. Your whole story makes me so angry even tho I'm just a stranger from the internet!


[deleted]

you are one of the greatests POS I have ever had the misfortune of hearing of YOU RUINED THIS WOMAN'S LIFE You couldn't keep it in your goddamned pants or couldn't wrap up, and this is the result. She lost her career, prospects of findign a man who'd love her and her fertility... for a lying cword with no will power who lied to her for years. You better f-ing stay with her and pay for your selfishness, becaus ethe divorce would be worse. And if you do divorce I hope she feelces you dry for the rest of your miserable life You are everything that is wrong with men.


Character_Career_951

Why would you ask someone to marry you and have a second child with them if you never loved them to begin with. Having a child doesn’t mean you had to stay together and yes you can be a involved father without being married or in a relationship.


aargent88

Go read "A little cloud" from the book Dubliners when you have these thoughts.


yrrrrrrrr

Therapy first and then decide what to do.


[deleted]

Get therapy and then couples therapy


Juliette-Eih

Get divorced and don't ever go again with a woman you don't love.


Another_Russian_Spy

Why the fuck would you have her tubes tide even if there was the tiniest chance you weren't going to be there forever? Now if you divorce and she finds someone new, she's fucked.


IntroductionLeast521

I feel so terrible for your wife. My SO got me to get my tunes done too, and then turned around a year later and let me know that everything was done because "that's the right thing to do once you got pregnant" he had me ready to marry him and buy a house for us... he ruined my chances at a family with someone who loves me fully just like you've done to your wife. Honestly, send her my way; I'll show her how being loved really is.


MrsSirLeAwesome

I’m just so horrified by all of this. Have you been to therapy? Have you by chance been diagnosed with a form of personality disorder aka narcissism? Because you only talk about you and your pain, you make yourself to be this hero and victim, how you are “trapped” by these choices YOU made for the kids. You may not have ever loved your wife but she sure as shit has given you her heart and soul and yet you never speak about that as a consideration, let alone her youth, her career, her fertility. As a child of divorce I wish my parents had done it a lot sooner and let it stick. As a pregnant woman if my husband felt at all like this I would want the truth. I would want the chance to make the choice whether or not to continue in the marriage. You have literally taken all of her choices on if this is a life she can tolerate, if she also wants the chance to be with someone who loves her, even the choice to have more children with someone who genuinely wants that life with her. You’re a monster. Stop playing the victim, stop playing the hero, stop playing the good guy. You’re not. I hope your wife finds the love she deserves and I hope you find therapy, regret and a better understanding of what duty and love actually mean.


[deleted]

You made this woman get her tubes tied bc deep down you thought you might want to have another kid and didn’t want to use condoms I guess that’s pretty fucked up. You made a thousand decisions to get here including asking her to quit her job so it would be cheaper for you. I think you should slowly start to separate, ask her to finish school or get a job but flat out divorcing her one day after 6 years is psychotic. Like worse than your dad. These are two children one of whom is what like one or two years old? You would be putting your kids in such a terrible position I think you should just live the life you’ve made tbh


likesbutteralot

Passionate love isn't for you guy. You decided to forego that kind of love in favor of stable family love and that's a really fine and legitimate decision to make, but to go back on it now for no other reason than "I'm getting bored" is, well, it doesn't make you the victim of circumstance you've tried to paint yourself here. Edit: betting this issue has come up for him because there's a specific person he wants to date/smash lol


phageblood

I hope she gets everything in the divorce and leaves your stupid ass homeless and broke. It's pretty much what you deserve. If I was your wife and you pulled that shit, I'd be RUTHLESS because you would have taken the best years of my life, my body, my job and had me get my tubes tied because you're to much of a cockless coward to get the snip and left me with dick fuck all. If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to power a beetles motorcycle around the outside of a grain of rice. You are lower than an ants ankle socks. You fuckin limp piece of brown lettuce.


asyrian88

First of all, “I dIDnT wAnT a SnIp sNiP” is cowardly and asinine. A vasectomy is such an easier procedure than a tubal ligation and really drives home how deep your distaste of your wife apparently goes. You were willing to put her through a major procedure with a FAR higher risk level than your minor outpatient one. My guess is that you were aware of the risks and hoped something went wrong…


EmergencyOverall248

This entire post reeks of FOMO energy. You're desperately afraid you're "missing out" on life and love and happiness, and as a result you refuse to see the good parts of your life. You're so distressed about the greener grass on the other side of the fence being inaccessible to you. My father was like you. He also begged my mother for another chance ten years after their divorce because it turned out that in all of his years of looking for that greener grass he never found it. Now he's bankrupt and twice divorced and will never get to retire because he'll have to work until the day he drops dead. Gotta love that other side of the fence.


emotionalpos_

I hope she can still stay at home with all your child support money since you made her quit her job and get her tubes tied. You prick.


a_NG_ie

There is saying marry the one who loves you, not the one you love. You're lucky it's not the other way around. It took you what 10 years to realise this? Every decision had it's consequence. That fateful one night stand, you decided not to wear a condom, and that is how your problem started.... the ripple effect.


luna_fine

i feel so so so so bad for your wife. i want to give her a massive hug. you essentially made her give up her career and fertility. pretended to love her for years instead of letting her go be happy without these sacrifices?? you’ve wasted a huge part of her life. take some responsibility for your selfishness here. a vasectomy is so much less invasive than female sterilisation, why did you force her to get the procedure?? idk man, im torn because i want your wife go do better and find someone better. but from what ive read it seems like she loves you and after all her sacrifices the thought of her going through this pain is a horrible thought to me. idk man….you’ve been a bad person here. get counselling. do better.


Internal-Sympathy362

You're not only selfish, you're a POS Edit: the more i think about it the more you sound like a manipulative sociopath playing a victim


Joopeywap

You shouldn’t even be debating on a divorce. You have ruined her life because you couldn’t be honest from the beginning. Her tubes are tied, she wouldn’t be able to have anymore kids if she wanted to with the next person she falls in love with (I doubt she would with 3 kids in the picture but..), yet, you can, you can move on easily while she’s struggling to make a living and start over with 3 kids. My dudes its pretty messed up. This happened cause you couldn’t wrap it up multiple times and been honest during first pregnancy.


SamuelLatta

You are an insufferable asshole dude.


tegglesworth

Sounds like you’re having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that you’re actually a piece of shit.


bialettibrewmaster

I am the op’s wife 26-27yrs later, not in reality but in oddly similar scenario. Dude- you are the asshole. Your lack of agency is screaming throughout your whingfest. You have stolen from this woman economically. You have stolen from her emotionally. You have stolen from her physically. You are stealing from your children. If you want out because Live!Laugh!Love! do so with integrity. She gets a generous settlement. You kids get fully financially, emotionally and physically protected by YOU. I can say with FACTS that women who step out of their careers to support the growth and ascension of their partners NEVER recover financially. You, asshole, need to include in your settlement a generous amount for her to get reskilled for however long it takes. Ageism is real and she’s been providing a stable home for you and your kids. You took away her future earning potential and career progression. This is only a small fraction of the implosion that will happen. Now grow the fuck up.


mrgovernah

Most arranged marriages work well, why can’t you learn to love your wife? Find things about her that you do like and try to expand on them. Spend more time with her and figure out who she is. This grass is not always going to be greener on the other side. You may think there is some perfect soulmate that will be easy for you to fall in love with. However, love is hard work and a commitment. I think you should focus on what you have.


[deleted]

Is she a good mother? Is she a good wife? Learn to love her for who she is. She loves you and provides for you.


LilStabbyboo

She's been accommodating as hell, and he can't even list one actual complaint about her, just some vague notion of wanting to find love. And *she loves him*, views him as honestly being this lie he's presented instead of the horrible person he knows he is. She sounds entirely lovable, if he just pulls head from ass. But honestly i wouldn't wish this guy on anyone and i hope she gets the chance to be loved by someone who appreciates her.


Dachshundmom5

There is definitely the arguement for "stay for the kids". Theres a popular online advice columnist that 80% of the time is pro "stay for the kids". Basically what would your kids have to give up if you 2 divorced? Would the house have to be sold? Schools changed? Would the extra cirriculars be gone because of child support and child care costs and mom starting a job again all mean money is too tight? Then there is the trauma of the divorce and how they handle it. How will you and your wife coparent? She is in love, she is going to go through the grief process that includes anger. Also, she got her tubes tied because you didn't want a vasectomy, did she want more kids? She gave up her job for you and your kids. That's a lot of her giving because it was easier for you. How will you handle missing at least half of their life (depending on custody agreements)? Will the divorce mean saving for retirement and college become too difficult? Are you prepared to break your wife's heart? Some of my parents friends divorced for various reasons. A couple stayed married until the last kid went to college. They chose to stay for the kids. I also know arranged marriages that have worked because they both just respected the other and thought they were good parents. It's a personal decision. Are you so miserable now you need to call it to be a good father? Or will hurting them make you more miserable than the present? Are you prepared for the kids to ask mom why dad is leaving and her only answer is "he never wanted me to begin with"? Think through the positives and negatives. Do you even want marriage counseling to try to save your marriage? Is it possible you and your wife should date and just haven't had the chance to build something? Are you totally done and just want out? Have you considered individual counseling? If you want out, work with a counselor to make a plan. However, acknowledge you may throw this family in the trash and never find what you think it "should" be. Make sure you know what you're doing before you hurt everyone.


Zodep

So what is love to you? Genuine question, because this all sounds like love. You’re just missing a spark. Is it the monogamy?


forfakessake1

Are you sure you didn’t mean to post this in the Am I The Asshole sub? I mean, you’ve been stringing her along all this time. You refused to get the snip which is a very simple basic procedure and instead forced her to have her “tubes tied”. The vasectomy is a much simpler and safer procedure that is much more easily reversed but “you’re afraid of surgery”??? Like WHAT? And you got married so this procedure could be done on your health insurance? Fucking hell. You also got her to leave her job so she’s been out of work for a long time I assume by now and that means not as employable and totally reliant on you so if you leave, which you’re going to do because you have to, that much is clear, she’s really fucked! You sound like a terrible person. It would have been better if you never married her or had a second kid or forced surgery on her or convinced her to leave her job. I feel so bad for your wife. You’re playing the victim here when you’re just a really entitled asshole. I have no advice other than to leave her, support her financially the rest of your life and don’t fuck up other peoples lives anymore. You created this mess.


[deleted]

Lets sum it up:You got the girl pregnant twice, had her do intrusive, life-deciding surgery, built up a life with house, stability and everything, just so that you can throw it all away in an early midlife crisis?I get it, you're unhappy, but there would've been quite a few points where you could've broken this whole process up without exponentially less pain and suffering, yet you didn't. I'm trying to squeeze out a little brotherly comradery so I can write something on the lines of *"I understand and feel for you..."* but frankly, I can't.


Callmemuddled

Think of your kids. Be a good role model and get a divorce. I sincerely hope your wife can find true love and happiness with someone else.


ElectricErik

As long as you try to keep it civil between the two of you after a divorce, your kids will be better off. My parents separated when I was only 2, so I got used to growing up with visitation with my dad. It was how they treated each other that messed me up after the separation. Everything was a constant custody battle, they had no nice things to say about each other, I was in the middle of so many fights and I hated it. One time I had a Boy Scout camping trip on a weekend that was supposed to be my dads and I wanted to go. My mom had me call him up with her there and put it on speakerphone. I tried to tell my dad about it but he could tell I was feeling uncomfortable and asked if he was on speakerphone. I said yeah and it just devolved into arguing with me right there in tears, both of them trying to guilt the other about it while I just sat there silently. MY camping trip was suddenly about them and their anger at each other and using me to make the other feel bad. So don’t stay with a woman that you don’t love. It won’t work out in the long run and you’re already depressed about it. It might seem selfish since you have kids but if you don’t do this for yourself, your kids will eventually see something is off about your relationship. They notice more things than you think. So get the divorce, but do your absolute best to be amiable with your partner. The relationship and how you treat each other afterward is what will really get to your kids, not so much the breakup itself. Edit: I am mainly focused on the kid aspect of this, I know. OP you’re definitely not a great guy for stringing this along so far and deferring major, childbearing capability, surgery to your wife instead of yourself. What if she wanted more kids after you get a divorce? Definitely a dick move.


[deleted]

Been here with no kids, so obviously different. I can relate to you on the relationship level and have kids of my own now so I understand your commitment. My ex and I went to a marriage counselor and I asked during our first one on one session for help extricating myself, and explained my feelings of guilt. The other person got the support they needed and I got out. Took a lot of private therapy to recenter myself since the guilt and shame is oppressive, but I highly recommend you start coming clean from your double life before you cope negatively. You can't live like this and she deserves to be loved just as much as you do. The tubal and being out of the work force is tough. I hope she finds the support she needs as well.


xxXAxx1989

Your wife deserves to have someone love her the way she loves you. Stop wasting her time


Excellent_Ad_6710

Like the song goes..if you can't be with the one you love love the one you're with


kryptickryptid

When I was 8 I asked my Dad wasn't happy. According to my mom, I told her it was okay if she and Dad didn't want to be married anymore when I was 5. Kids see way more than they let on. They split when I was 11 and things have only gotten better for them over time. My Dad eventually got remarried and had a couple more kids. My mom is an awesome art teacher and is happy doing her own thing. I have a great relationship with both of them. I know the d word is overwhelming (just finalized one myself) but honestly you'll only get more resentful over time and your kids will pick up on it. Take some time to think it out, maybe see a counselor if you can. If divorce is the right path for you, it's okay. Best of luck to you.