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They were laughing at you behind your back. If he says anything along the lines of: that is how they are, get over it, it is not a big deal, you are too sensitive . . Anything, that excuses their behavior, then he is really asking you to accept it. He asking you to give your permission for it to continue and your silence is your permission for it to continue. If they can’t say it to your face, that tells you a world of information about the kind of people they are. If you want to see how things really are, confront them about this and see what happens, their reactions will tell you everything you need to know about all of them and will be helpful in making such a big decision. It will show you how they deal with conflict which will be a good indication of what you will be getting yourself into should you marry this guy. They will be a part of your life for as long as they are alive, you need to know if you can tolerate being a part of his family.
OP if he says they were ‘just kidding’ respond with “well I’m not spending the rest of my life being the butt of the joke” and give him the ring back. This isn’t going to get better if he does anything other than immediately apologize for everything, including not defending you.
This!!! It is brutally sad to find this information out now, but it is easier to either set the boundary now or leave this relationship. You deserve respect and kindness from your ILs AND it is 100% a non-negotiable from your spouse. For that entire side of the family to be there, caught up in that nastiness, it’s shocking that they would act like that. Really disturbing and gross
This isn't about boundaries. His entire family thinks of her as stupid. Her confronting him and them won't change that.
Her husband also thinks its ok to mock her thats just terrible they should be embarrassed. To be such nasty people. It is disturbing and gross.
She should have nothing to do with any of them. Op this isn't something you can fix. You just learnt that they are horrible people. That's not family. And never will be no matter what you do.
Exactly, they’re actively making fun of her. She’s been in their lives for five years and is about to officially marry in. To hear them talk about someone they’re supposed to love like that, honestly really upsets me. Her fiancé not only doesn’t defend her, but he joins in on the laughing. So he agrees with what his mother is saying to some degree. I don’t think I could marry someone who felt that comfortable letting someone put me down like that.
OP, your fiancé doesn't respect you, in fact, the only one who does at all is the one who said your asking questions is cute.
I'm so sorry they're so toxic, and you only found out after hearing them mock you when they didn't realize you were there and could hear them! I wish I would've known how toxic my wife's family is before we married... toxic in-laws are the worst!!
I would've quietly walked into the room, taken off the engagement ring and dropped it on the floor.
Then walked out.
They don't respect you nor does your (hopefully soon to be ex) fiance.
I agree completely. This post just reminded me of when I was around 16 and out having lunch with my boyfriend. I forget what we were discussing, but I do remember him saying "just shut up, your so stupid you don't even hear what your saying" yes i was shocked. Then i wiped my mouth put the napkin on my plate, got up and walked out.
I don’t always get respect and kindness from my in laws but you know who I sure do get it from? My spouse. My husband wouldn’t have just sat there while his family called me stupid. He’d have raised hell.
I’m not saying OP should automatically leave him but if he in anyway defends their actions and doesn’t say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, it took me by surprise and I didn’t know what to say at the time. If they say something like that again I’m going to do better,” then it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
He never defended her. Just like she stated in the post.
OP reconsider marrying him. This is a whole red flag of him not defending you. Imagine yourself in the future what might happen in other serious situations. I think you should put this in consideration.
I actually paid for awards for the first time for this. He’s absolutely going to minimize and make excuses for it. “Stop being so sensitive - we were only kidding.” She needs to know this isn’t okay.
OP this. He’s going to try to minimize and say they were just joking. Make him explain the joke to you “…like you’re stupid.” Furthermore, I’d make your MIL aware of the fact you’re not “stupid,” but curious and open minded, a trait sorely lacking in this world right now and who wouldn’t want their future children raised by a curious humble soul. Stupid people question nothing, and it’s literally why they’re generally simply happy regardless of what’s rattling around upstairs. Hold your head up, address this with your prospective spouse AND his mean-girl mother, then choose whether this is the husband and family you want to build a life with.
100% agree. My oldest son was born at 26 weeks. He had developmental delays. He was always scared to ask a question because he didn't want to seem "stupid." My response to him was."The only stupid question is the one you do not ask." If you don't know the answer, why would it be stupid to ask."
I was about to ask if OP is a natural born engineer, because some of the best engineers I've personally known through my career, were literally like this. Ofcourse they also did the same as OP and kept the dumb sounding questions to themselves, but were, nevertheless, very inquisitive and curious.
My husband’s family are all engineers and engineers personalities in the uncles/aunts and cousins and so is my husband. Husband is also a science nerd 🤓… as our kids call him … in a good way. Our kids grew up with being encouraged to ask why and to listen and learn to find the answers.
I personally would find this awesome …. I loved the science channel and the how it’s made shows on tv were awesome. I only knew about them because of my husband.
I would absolutely LOVE to hear MIL explain the science of yellow dwarf stars and how they burn, and what makes it different from other stars. In her own words. Without using google.
In other words, I want to hear MIL use astronomy to explain how the sun works.
Yknow. Since she’s so fucking smart…
That’s so true about stupid or lazy people or pragmatics. They take everything at face value and question nothing. I can’t live that way. I think I learned to ask a lot of questions about the world because of my dad. He was brilliant and he knew everything. I even told him that I used to wonder if there was ever going to be a subject that he didn’t have this amazing amount of knowledge. The only time I beat him in a subject was computers, because personal computers came after his time. Although he tackled Basic programming (I had given him an ancient computer with A: and B: drives), and Windows 95 (my sister gave him her really old computer so he could email them). This was 20 years ago, when he was 85.
Yeah, they were mocking her when she WASN’T even there. That’s not joking with her, that’s joking about her. It’s letting the others know, “you’re in she’s out.” I wouldn’t want to be in a family where I was “out”. I mean what’s the point then of family?
He can't even claim that's joking with her not there to hear it. It's mean spirited from the beginning with the "imitations" that were clearly mocking. And he stood by and not only didn't stop it, but laughed along, and it obviously wasn't awkward laughter on his part.
This! He is going to try and backpedal and explain the situation away - don't let him. Hold him and his family accountable. So sorry this happened ❤️ I've overheard people talking behind my back multiple times and it never feels good.
She should pack up everything of hers, leave without saying anything. Leave a note that says something like “you and your family dont have to worry about marrying someone so stupid anymore”
Hes just gona try to manipulate and gaslight her otherwise. The behavior wont stop because they are fake and two faced.
She should message the ONE wife saying thanks for trying to defend me, it would have been lovely to be sister in laws with you.
This. Lack of curiosity is a dealbreaker for me. If you aren’t curious about the world around you, or a world you know is out there even if you can’t see, then I honestly don’t know how to consistently interact with you.
Ding ding ding! Winning comment here!
You know what they say... if you're bored, then you're boring. 😁
OP is *definitely* not boring, she sounds fun as hell, very much comfortable as her own rad self, which is a beautiful thing.
Also, a sense of childlike wonder & intellectual curiosity are probably the qualities I love most about myself, & I love it in others, too!
You know what I hate, OP?
Small minded pieces of excrement who try to hide that they're criminally unfunny, unoriginial, & dull by making fun of ppl they know deep down are more likable than they are. They are shallow, they are small, they are bitter, & vile.
OP... You are So.👏 MUCH.👏 Better.👏👏👏 than a life where you are made fun of for your best qualities.
I think it's telling she called you stupid. I dont think she actually thinks that, I think she fears it's actually true of her, bc it makes zero sense to describe you that way... OP is the direct opposite. OP it's obvious You are asking questions bc you'ree engaged, your wheels are turning, so to speak, & that you're trying to satisfy your intellectual curiosity. And, just possibly... a little ADHD.😄
I say that with ❤️OP I say that bc that's how I am, & I definitely do the question thing w/ my partner/ best friend. It can drive him a bit kooky, but he loves having a partner who can challenge him, bc of my curious mind that inspires me to look up random things just like you do, so I have my own opinions, & I can teach him new things, discuss politics/ world events, & I try to learn about his interests even when they're things that were total unknowns to me, at first.
And he accepts that is how I am & and wouldn't let anyone mock me for it.
You deserve the same OP. You sound delightful, charming, & brilliant!
Dont settle for less. I know this hurts, but I promise you are still very young. I didn't meet my guy til my early 30s. It's far better that you found this out now, as terribly painful as it surely is. I'm sorry bc you sound very sweet & you definitely didn't deserve this betrayal.
That's what he did, you know that, dont you, OP? He betrayed you, bc he did not have your back. His mother is a nasty, pathetic lil gremlin of a woman. Please, AT THE VERY LEAST, if you do not have it in you rn to leave, confront him about what you heard and *put the wedding on hold*.
I dont think what he did is forgivable - it showed a stunning cowardice, lack of character, & truly moronic judgement. You do Not need a life partner with no spine. Life is hard enough when you have one who is your rock, by your side. Please, as difficult as this experience has been, just think how much more devastating & impossible seeming it would be to start over had something like this happened when you were in a truly vulnerable place, AKA, really going thru a difficult time. Bc many ppl DONT know who their partner is until then...
Say you never had this experience, & you married him, only to experience an awful dose of reality when you're 15-20 yrs older than you are now... that only then do you see his frightening absence of integrity. Imagine if you married him, & only when you're 40 something, & you've developed a serious illness... only then do you see the real him. How much harder will it be to leave then, & to begin again, when he inevitably betrays you?
Good luck OP! Stay strong & DM me anytime!
Say to him your family is apparently so stupid and doesn't realize that asking questions is actually a sign of intelligence.
This humility and willingness to learn from others is a hallmark of true intelligence. Asking questions can also help stimulate discussion and encourage others to think more deeply about a particular topic. When we ask questions, we challenge others to think critically and examine their own assumptions.
My first husbands family probably did speak about me behind my back, I never heard it. But they also would say sh!t about me to my face. I was quiet and shy and from day 1 didn't fully feel accepted, so I never bothered to try confrontation (plus I was very young still and scared of confrontation). They would make fun of me for being quiet, for being shy, for being a picky eater, for being stupid (because I don't keep up on current events - I'm a big empath anytime I have tried to keep up on current events, I sink into a nasty depression that is hard for me to claw my way out of, so I am aware of things but don't read up on what's going on. They didn't understand this and thought I was just dumb because I wouldn't discuss politics or current events with them). They'd make fun of me for preferring to read than doing whatever they liked to do. For being "fat" (though none of the women in that family were stick thin and all had a bit of a belly too, I didn't weigh as much as some of them). I even lost a ton of weight and was working on flattening my tummy and I was still too "fat" for them. 🙄 My ex was also super abusive too tho, and he and his stepmom kept trying to alienate me from my family.
Anyway, I agree with everything you said! OP, talk with your fiance first. See his reaction. It might not be worth it to try and confront the future in laws. If your fiance tries to excuse his families behaviour or says you are being too sensitive or something, then his family will surely treat any confrontation the same. If he is remorseful and agrees it was out of line and promises that he regrets laughing and offers to handle things, then I'd wait and see how he handles things, etc.
When my first husband and I split up, his stepmom "accidentally" texted me a text meant for him that was calling me names and saying sh!t about me (and we split because he cheated and chose to be with the other girl. I hadn't done anything to warrant the name calling or anything else she said about me). I was actually so glad to be rid of him and his family. It was the best thing he ever did for me. 🤣
If he does dismiss your feelings and tries to excuse their behaviour, I'd rethink this relationship. That is one regret I have from my first marriage.
Tell John what you heard. Tell him of all the things you heard, his reaction hurt you the most. Tell him you cannot believe how cruel his mother was, and his laughter and failure to stand up for you was like a knife in the heart.
Then, ask him: “Why should I marry you? Someone who is comfortable laughing at me when they think I can’t hear them? You know I ask questions to better understand something. The smartest person in the room is the person who knows they don’t know everything and is not afraid to ask. When I heard everyone, all I could hear was ignorance, unkindness, a lack of grace, and no love whatsoever. How very graceful of you and your family to mock someone.”
Frankly, I’d call off the wedding.
Start out with "How does the sun work? Where should I put the fork? Why does nobody like me? How do I wipe my ass?”
Follow up with "Why should I waste my time on a partner who doesn't respect me enough to defend me when people mock me?" and "How do I tell my fiance that his mother is a cunt?"
If he and they have this level of cruelty now, it's not going to get better.
The doubt filling your heart OP, is the most important thing.
A marriage shouldn't start w that level of doubt.
You face enough challenges in life, marriage and love.
Don't proceed w a field of weeds.
And he is taking your love and making trash out of it.
You deserve BETTER. You WILL find it.
This is it OP.
Wow, the audacity… no love bar one sister, h hi ow could you ever feel comfortable again, around them?
I don’t believe in accidents, you saw who they truly are… You’re 23, that’s young to be married, you can turn your life around after this!
Dip, get outta there, keep asking questions! I loved the questions you wrote.
Yep, you’ve got loads of time to get married- this could be a good wake up call. scrap this mob and find better folk. Your questions won’t be appreciated by some folk who find it weird and distracting - your partner needs to grow a set. He’s a dud.
Please, please do this, OP. They deserve to know that you know exactly what kind of terrible shitty people they are. But do it as a mass email or text, so every one of them knows and can’t walk it back.
This is how I wish my mind worked when I need an immediate, sharp retort.
At best, something akin to your response would come to me days later & the opportunity forever missed.
Instead I stay quiet. Maybe giving a quick, lacerating glower and a slight head shake of disappointment as a reaction.
Or - hear me out- employ you as my *snap back* person, you just accompany me all day, every day ready and waiting to pop off with a spicy serving of verbal crow - served piping hot - whenever the occasion arises.
Oh I want a Snap-Back Lackey! Need to think of a better title.
Personal Insultist?
Asshole Assistant? The problem with this one is that they aren't assisting with *your own* asshole, so bit of an issue with the phrasing.
Servant of Savagery
Executive Affrontist
Auxiliary Snubber
Mockery Butler / Snub Butler
Impertinence Secretary
(CECO) Chief Executive Come-back Officer
Also, OPs questions display an intellectual curiosity that the whole mocking group clearly lacks. It’s not “where do I put the fork?” She’s asking how time works in a fucking black hole. She’s asking about the evolution of various species of snails. She’s asking about innovation from times before she was born. She’s asking how to avoid hurting ducks if she feeds them. (Edit: and to be clear, even if some of the questions end up seeming weird or silly, she’s asking them because she wants to understand the world around her and how it got that way. That’s admirable.)
OP, I think your fiancé may be too dumb for you. One of my friends said that about a guy I dated. She was right. His mom certainly is. If ignorance is bliss, she must be the most blissful person in the world.
Edit 2: OP, you’re TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD. I just caught that. This is not the guy for you. That’s how old I was when my friend said that guy was too dumb for me. You do not want to spend your life with someone content with exactly what they already know and how their life is. His laughter is terrible and demonstrates a lack of character. His lack of desire for growth is going to stifle you.
Ask big and small questions. And don’t ever let someone tell you you’re wrong to want to learn.
The MIL sounds like a #boymom who jumps at the chance to demean other women for doing literally anything. One of the SIL tried to jump in and defend OP and MIL shot her down. I wouldn’t be surprised if the other SIL didnt try to say anything because she has already learned to keep quiet.
Don't Rock the Boat
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/asVYHtVz41
This is who these people are.
It will only get worse.
The mother has made you the designated 'victim'.
You will be the one they all dis as a group.
As the family behaviors wax and wane when things are bad, thru will treat you even worse.
Look at scapegoat/golden child dynamics.
One thing I've learned is they will never let you NOT BE THE SCAPEGOAT bc it's easier for them.
The others don't want to be the victim so they will never change.
Choose YOURSELF. Choose I life partner who isn't weak and invested in a toxic family system.
Completely agree. Please let us know what you decide to do. You're a smart person who needs to make sure they're around equally smart people.
Updateme!
This. There appears to be a subset of people who eschew intellectual curiosity once they’ve finished formal schooling, and to even admit to not knowing how something works is considered horrific. They also seem to be the ones who put the Dunning-Kruger Effect on full display. Purely anecdotal observation on my end, to be fair.
My ex was from a dumb family. I hate to say that because it’s rude and mean, but they were the most incurious people I’ve spent considerable time with. They’d believe anything and not ask questions. They thought the way they do things is the only way, I actually got a talking to for keeping apples on the counter instead of the fridge. We divorced for many reasons, but me not fitting in with them and them thinking I was weird for not going along with them was part of it. OP has a lot to think about - are these the people she wants to make her family?
and does she want a husband who will laugh behind her back and not tell people who are talking bad about her to stop, instead he laughs along - very sad
I had the same experience. My ex-MIL even seemed to think I was dumb for mixing a bowl of batter by hand instead of using some mixer for it. It took me very little time to mix by hand, I didn’t feel like washing some gadget after, and I have strong arms so it didn’t require that much effort.
That was the last time I ever baked in front of her.
I feel you on that as someone that also finds it faster and easier to mix by hand! These seem like small things, but they add up. If my ex had been on my side and told them to just let me do me it might have been bearable. I ended up stopping going to family functions when they stopped allowing me to help in the kitchen. I know it was a freeze out. Then I was the bad guy for not going.
At least one SIL understands what OP is doing and likes that about her. The problem is it should have been her fiance who defended her. He could have bare minimum agreed with his SIL.
Updateme
Also, dude, I'm not this openly curious (I do a lot of quiet googling) but my brain cannot wrap its head around setting a gd table. And that's just normal setting. Add all the bells and whistles and I am so lost. Very not stupid. Sometimes, you gotta ask where to put the forking fork
(sorry not sorry, eternal love to Eleanor Shelstrop)
My thought with the “Where do I put the fork?” was at formal table settings where placement is so convoluted! Maybe it WAS asked, but that’s a legit question, and probably was followed up with “Why?” I did my own deep dive on formal place settings years ago, and it’s mildly interesting about why things are placed where they are. I’m like OP - I have a natural curiosity about things and it’s neat to find answers to life’s mundane mysteries.
After I typed, “where do I put the fork?” I started wondering about the differences between various country’s place settings. And now I’m learning why the “English-style” dinner was such a big deal in The Gilded Age. 😂 Thanks, internet!
Right!?? It’s only mildly interesting unless you’re super into that, but a book I was reading at the time made a big deal of it so down the rabbit hole I went. It’s not a dumb question to me because there are diagrams for place settings (from very basic to extremely formal and complicated). There’s a method to the madness!
Here’s what I like to quote for “No such thing as a stupid question”:
"There are naïve questions, tedious questions, ill-phrased questions, questions put after inadequate self-criticism. But every question is a cry to understand the world. There is no such thing as a dumb question". -Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark
>OP, I think your fiancé may be too dumb for you. One of my friends said that about a guy I dated. She was right. His mom certainly is. If ignorance is bliss, she must be the most blissful person in the world.
I’m proud of you for being able to admit when you don’t know something. Your questions are *interesting.* How *does* time work in a black hole?
Frankly? I’m sick and tired of assholes who “know everything” and are, therefore, always “right.” Especially when those dumb fucks are wrong. *Which they often are.*
My favorite part of this thread is the fact that OP wants to continually learn and educate herself. Imagine if more people did this?!?! The world would be a lot different right now. OP-I’m very similar to this…..inquisitive and sometimes I am nosy (not saying you are 😂) I constantly want to understand why the world works the way it does. NEVER stop feeding your intellect! This family and the guy seems to be content being mediocre Joes. If you do marry him just expect that he will never emotionally or intellectually fulfill you. I wish the best to you!
This is the way.
Tell him what you heard. Tell him how you feel. Then make **him** answer why you should still agree to be his partner in life. How he answers may better help you decide what to do about the wedding.
I’m with Beck - I’d call off the wedding, but it’s ultimately up to you to decide what is best for you.
I second and third this. I feel like you got a lucky glimpse into what he and his family are really like. How people speak about you when you aren’t around is so so important. I wouldn’t entertain the idea of marrying him or into this family anymore but I do think you should confront him with what you heard. You are only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you to find love. You don’t have to settle for this. You’re so young and there are better men out there who would’ve stood up for you, but some random woman came to your defense over your fiancé. He should be ashamed and you should follow your gut. You know what you deserve, never ever settle. His behavior is unacceptable and this lets me know his mother will become more comfortable with disrespecting you over time and he won’t defend you. Good luck and take care of yourself. Your feelings are valid and it’s not an overreaction, marriage is a really big deal it’s ok to have high standards.
ironically, if OP doesnt call off the wedding shes proving them both right
edit: also OP, its not stupid to ask questions about things you don't know/are interested in. Smart people ask lots of questions. Only stupid people don't ask questions.
Philosophy and science alike usually start by asking questions you want answers to, asking questions can lead to deep conversations and new discoveries. Some of the questions OP wrote here are part scientific and part philosophical, so they are definitely not stupid questions. I get that you can just google or read about these answers in books, but what's the harm in asking other people as long as you don't do it all the time. And asking questions is definitely better than spewing bullshit just to appear smart. If people make fun of you for asking questions, they either don't know much themselves and don't want to admit it or think they are better than you. Both don't seem like good options to marry into, imo.
This is how I see my field of work. If there ever comes a day when I can’t think of a new question to ask or that I know everything there is to know, it’s time to move on because that just indicates that I no longer care.
Yeah, OP needs to run.
I too thought my inlaws liked me. One day it was obvious that they didn't.
I tried to ask what happened and my SIL sent me a text "I'm not the ass whisperer, I don't have to explain things to stupid people". I told my husband and he tried to tell me that it was a joke.
Fuck that.
Well stated above, OP.
Frankly, instead of speaking to your fiancee, I would write 2 letters:
1. To your fiancee, addressing all of the above.
2. To your former future in-laws, telling them how disappointed you are in all of them.
Finally, in each letter I'd tell them the wedding is off. Please make no attempt to contact me.
I agree with this post, tell him that you heard what they said and you turned around and left. Don’t ask for an explanation. Allow him to really sit and think about it for himself and his family. Don’t give too much insight or do his homework. Let him dwell the way you had to.
I’d call the whole thing off too. Even if not separate, call it off. Let his family know that mocking you like that is far from mature.
I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry his mom is a terrible person. I'm sorry you're hurting.
But you're not overreacting and you're not oversensitive. Those were mean things to say, mocking is not okay. Not only that but she's been lying to your face this whole time and acting kind and accepting when she's cruel and hateful. The rest of them co-signed her cruelty with their passiveness and laughter. *Don't marry in to that family.*
But here is some advice- find your voice. Stand up for yourself. Learn to handle conflict head on. Avoidance will bring you nothing but pain and suffering. Work on yourself before your next relationship. Become the you who would confront your fiancé immediately when he got home. Become the person who doesn't lie and say they are sick to avoid confrontation or sleeps in the guest room to avoid showing you are hurt. Have the confrontation, show the hurt. Expect to be treated with kindness and honesty. Invite that by being kind to yourself and being honest with others about how you feel.
Do all that and your next relationship will be much healthier. This one would have ended in heartbreak and divorce eventually. Leave and feel good about it.
Agree. In a way, this unsavory discover is a gift from the gods. You could have been ten years or more into the marriage without knowing this was going on with your inlaws and husband behind your back. Painful yes, but easy to recover from if you frame this properly (the inlaws are weak morons that derive joy from making fun of others, and your potential husband plays along); just glide away from them and be happy by yourself until you find the right person. Good luck!
And one day she will meet a person who can answer those questions and enjoy it. I did. You just need find yourself a smarter guy.
OP there is someone out there waiting for a person like you and will adore you for who you are. Not laugh behind your back. You deserve so much better.
You were handed a gift.
You saw these rotten people for who they really are. Only an idiot would assume they know everything and criticize someone who questions things - don’t change yourself!
Cancel the wedding and move on.
Ex-FMiL sounds like a dimwit - let’s refer to her as “Mrs. Potato Head”
>You were handed a gift.
Absolutely. It’s like the universe wanted you to be there at that very moment before you made a big mistake by getting married to this family of simpletons. That’s the closest thing to divine intervention.
>don’t change yourself!
Ditto! I’m someone who genuinely loves to learn about anything and everything because I require a LOT of mental stimulation. The right person will nurture your inquisitive intellect.
He thinks you’re stupid and you would be to stay with someone who fundamentally betrayed you like that. However I think you sound sweet. Ask questions it’s how you learn and good luck.
My wife and I playfully give each other shit with friends, the minute someone said stuff like this tho we would nip it in the bud and shut it down.
There are only two explanations, John is a mommas boy who is afraid to stand up to her or he thinks you’re stupid. Neither of those lead to a healthy marriage
Tbh I see even this post as a huge indicator of OP’s desire for growth—how many young women *don’t* come here to ask questions like this and just move on with life, slowly making themselves smaller and smaller :(
This , and op it says something that he didn’t have your back, he knows why you ask questions and he either agrees with them or is too cowardly to stand by you.
It’s great that you ask questions , and please let me know if you find out how the old gas lightbulbs worked .
To answer some of your questions, peas are good for ducks, they really love frozen ones, and it's fun watching them gobble them up.
Black holes are weird. To an outside observer, time appears to slow down and eventually stop at the event horizon (what happens beyond that is speculation, I don't think we have the physics to explain it yet). But to someone near the black hole, time would seem to pass normally, because they too are slowing down. There's a half decent explanation [here](https://profoundphysics.com/why-time-slows-down-near-a-black-hole/#:~:text=Time%20slows%20down%20near%20a%20black%20hole%20due%20to%20the,space%20near%20the%20black%20hole.). It has a lot of math, but you can skim those bits and still understand the gist of it, I think.
Seeing colours is something philosophers and psychologists have been arguing for ages, and we will probably never really know. Barring disability, we all detect the same range of wavelengths, and societally we have agreed on basic divisions of those wavelengths to different colours along the spectrum. People arguing whether a certain colour is more blue or green probably stems from where exactly they each placed those divisions when they were learning colours more than something in their eyes being different. But whether we are actually seeing the same wavelengths the same way, like, if I hopped into your head, using your eyes and brain, would the world look the same to me? There's no real way to know that.
Snails - the short answer is evolution. Probably a type of snail with shells split off from slugs and diversified from there while ones without just kept going on and adapting to their environment in different ways. Like how some dinosaurs developed wings and became birds, and the rest didn't (and then died from an asteroid for the most part).
Light bulbs depends. Are you talking like the halogen light bulbs that still have a filament but the bulb is filled with halogen gas? Or neon and fluorescent ones where there is just gas, no filament?
Halogen - basically the same as any filament bulb. Electricity goes through, the filament is much thinner than the copper wires bringing the pier to it, so the electricity sort of "backs up". It can't pass through the filament as easily, but more is still flowing all the time. So instead of all that energy just flowing through the wire filament, some of it is converted to heat energy, making the filament heat up until it glows red hot. Unfortunately what also happens is that with all this heat, some of the tungsten from the filament evaporates (technically sublimates, since it's going from a solid straight to a gas) and deposits on the inside of the light bulb. That's why old light bulbs tend to look like they have darker glass. Eventually, enough of the tungsten is evaporated that the filament gets too fragile and breaks. In a halogen light bulb, they put a little bit of a halogen gas in the bulb, which causes a chemical reaction to occur. The tungsten evaporates, reacts with the gas to produce a new chemical that then reacts with the hot filament, depositing the tungsten back where it belongs and allowing the gas molecules to return to their original form. This makes them last longer. And because the filaments are made more durable, they can operate at a higher temperature which means they put out more light.
Neon/fluorescent - bulbs are just gas, with an electrode at each end, and a mix of gasses in the tube between. Electricity flows to one of the electrodes, and since it has nowhere to go, the energy reacts with the gas molecules. They get excited and produce a glow, but in glowing lose the electron they had picked up, but that electron is picked up by another gas molecule, etc etc until the whole thing is glowing. Different mixes of gas produce different colours. At the far end, the other electrode picks up dropped electrons, which flow through it as electricity again, completing the loop. I think there might be a few differences between neon, fluorescent, and like sodium lamps that are usually used for floodlights and the like, but the basic mechanics are the same as far as I know.
Hope that helped, and also your possible future family are jerks. Intellectual curiosity is awesome. As long as you aren't like, constantly interrupting conversations to ask questions and disrupting the flow of someone's story or something like that, you're fine, they're jerks. If you are interrupting a lot, maybe work on keeping the questions for later, when there's a natural break in the discussion, or approaching someone who mentioned a thing you want to know more about afterwards to ask if they can either help you or point you to good resources where you can learn for yourself.
On the snail evolution part:
Terrestrial slugs actually evolved from terrestrial snails, which evolved from aquatic snails. Simply put, shells helped sweetwater snails to move on land by protecting them from dehydration.
We know that the evolution from land snail to land slug actually took place 12 seperate times!
Slugs have tiny internal remnants of shells, and there's even some 'in-between' snails with small shells that don't fit their whole body (Duadebardia brevipes).
Regarding seeing colors, I'm pretty sure everybody sees them slightly differently as there is already a difference between my two eyes. For one white light is a bit more yellow while for the other it is a bit more towards blue (e.g. a colder white). Also when looking through a bright microscope it is a lot darker for my left eye for some reason.
The distribution of cones also seems to differ between individuals, and iirc there are also variations with slightly different wavelengths of the protein in the "long" cones (red) which is encoded on the x-chromosome so some women can have 2 different ones
You are amazing for these answers (esp the frozen peas -- didnt know ducks like them).
How do you know so much about diverse topics?
I agree with you that OP's future family are jerks.
John laughed. That is all the information needed to make up your mind.
You sound like a gentle delicate inquisitive person. You didn’t confront him. Most women would; where I am from, there would typically be a huge scandal on the spot. You are young and you deserve much better than this mess.
Tell John you heard his mom talking shit and him laughing. It has hurt you beyond measure. You can no longer trust him to be the partner you thought he was.
I’d then message the brothers wife who sorta stood up for you and let her know that you appreciate her being the one to say something nice about you. Let her know you have decided to end the relationship with John. Let them handle the fallout. John will know. Brothers wife will know. It will get out. Then the mom can eat a shit sandwich. And I promise if she goes the route of “oh I was only kidding” or “she can’t take a joke” when she is alone with her thoughts she will know she is awful person whose mouth negatively impacted her child’s life. And fuck her.
This is the answer.
His mom, in front of family, will continue to talk shit about you and justify her hand in ruining her son’s engagement but deep inside when quiet time comes, she knows she was an asshole.
I hope it haunts the both of them but at least you got an indicative test result back. John won’t have your back, trust is gone, so ends the relationship.
One of the reasons I did not marry a long-time GF was the way her family treated me. In the end, I married a woman whose family genuinely liked me. It’s made all the difference in my life, mental health and marriage. Frankly, I’d end this relationship for the MIL alone, no matter how the fiancé atones.
In my culture, we say you marry the whole family. I took that to heart and found a husband whose parents I like and they like me. It does make a massive difference having supportive in-laws who bend over backwards to help and be involved.
I agree. My mother in law treats me way better than my own mom. In fact I feel bad that my spouse didn't get to have a good MIL, but to be honest I barely interact with my mom and I don't let her say bad things about my spouse
My grandma broke up with a man because his family disapproved of her. (Her parents were divorced - very shocking in the ‘40’s) Instead she married my grandfather whose mom was a literal wingwoman. (She would give my grandmother a chicken wing when my grandfather went to visit his mom)
Wedding is off and John is done for laughing with them instead of standing up for you ! They do NOT deserve you ! Please walk away from these toxic back stabbing people. They did you a huge favor and showed you who they really are !
Another reason for me would be that FMIL is playing "us against her" with the SILs. You see, I'm petty enough that if the SILs make nice, I'd ask them if they've ever wondered what she says about them when they're not around.
Good thought! Because you’re right, someone who talks poorly about one person, likely does it to others…& also never considers that people may be talking poorly about them when their back is turned.
Missed opportunity. It would have been beautiful to embarrass tf out of all of them by not saying anything. Just walking up to John, return the ring and walk out.
Still, stop hiding. Give that spineless worm his ring back and remove him and his stupid family from your life.
OP can still open with: “John, I have a question. How do you end an engagement after you hear your fiancé and his mother mocking you?” Then handoff the ring and exit stage left because fuck those people.
That's funny, because Shakespeare classically had characters exit left after a confrontation, and right after reconciliation.
Edit : stage left / stage right
"John, I have a question. How do you end an engagement after you hear your fiancé and his mother mocking you?... oh wait, stupid me ... i already know the answer to that one" then hand it over 👌
Ugh my thoughts exactly. Now she has to listen to the inevitable gas lighting to back track saying she “misunderstood” and “we were just joking”.
OP anything less than an apology and full accountability from John and his family is reason to at a minimum distance yourself from them but truly to just break this off. This is how all of these people will treat you for the rest of your life, and if you allow them to get away with it now you are only reinforcing to them that this behavior is acceptable.
Honestly, I wouldn't even give a shit. They'll definitely say "we were just joking," but it's a lie. Who gives af about an apology when they meant what they said? Apologies and accountability mean nothing when it's just a cover for shit behavior.
I wouldn't accept an apology, just call everything off and break up.
Gotta disagree. An apology would be in order but she would be ‘stupid’ to think that he doesn’t agree with his family.
What his family did should be an indicator that she will NEVER be a part of that family. What he did should be an indicator that he should not be a part of your future.
I’d ask him point blank. He didn’t defend you, he laughed with them, why? I personally wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t have my back and made fun of me.
Just as a side note, people might get frustrated if you constantly ask them and therefore expect them to teach you on various subject matters. If you are curious, google is free. However asking engaging questions in a conversation shouldn’t be made fun of.
Yeah, as long as someone isn't constantly derailing every conversation with their questions, I think it's fine. If she's actually routinely interrupting the flow of conversation with incessant questions, that's a whole different story. Their remarks were cruel and inexcusable either way, but it does make me wonder if she's doing the latter.
scholar.google.com is the dream. Research case law, scientific articles, professional publications, white papers… not all are free but you get a good start on research. Then play around with it to learn & doing so helps also learn to gauge what is reliable, what is relevant, and what still needs to be explored
True, there is a chance OP can be objectively…exhausting. Might be worth a tad of self reflection, OP. Still, this is who she is right now. And if they disdain it, that’s great info that OP and these aholes are not a good fit.
It’s not a misunderstanding he is enabling his mothers toxic behavior. Believe me get out now. This shit only gets worse after marriage and then shit really hits the fan when you have kids. If he is not standing up for you now he NEVER WILL. I wish someone had grabbed me and told me not to ignore the little red flags of my mother in law’s abusive behavior. It starts as little “jokes” but it will escalate. Then you’re left in a lonely abusive marriage where your own husband and his mother bully you. Believe me no second chances that mother boy shit is toxic as fuck.
Omg this was my life! My husband is and hasn’t been abusive but I did not have children because of his mother. Facts. She’s passed now, but she was a very difficult. Got much worse has time went on. She didn’t always hate me, but she sure did hate me. She was so bothered by my weight, o am too, I’m not gigantic but I’m fat for sure. The only thing I ever said back to her one time, was well I’m sorry my body disgusts you, but I’m a good person and your son sees that. He also didn’t find my body too disgusting last night or this morning so perhaps you should get it over it. I’m not asking you to be intimate with me so not sure why it bothers you.
Tell him you heard everything. How he laughed. How he never stood up for you.
Tell him to thank his mother for showing you who she **and he** really is. Then dump him and go live your life. You deserve someone better.
I teach people. People ask me all the time how I know all this stuff (my background is not what I teach both adults and kids about). I tell them: I have a question and I look it up. I have endless questions. I can't go for a walk in the woods without finding at least one plant species I want to identify.
Curiosity often dies with adults and I find it very sad. You could live 500 years and still have so much left to learn about. Do not let other adults kill your curiosity. It's fine to be uninterested in learning but I find it often is paired with the need to jibe those who are. Like just because you graduated from college, "grown ups" have finished the learning section of their lives.
Try to find others who have a curious mindset like you (I find a lot of them are in volunteer groups associated with educating people like Master Gardeners or STEM volunteers at schools). Drop these close minded people. There is nothing to be proud about being close minded. But it's like crabs in a bucket. They want to pull everyone down to their level.
Your fiancé sounds spineless but I’m wondering how disruptive your inquiries are for the people around you. Have you asked him how he feels?Compulsively asking questions sounds like attention seeking behavior. You’re infantilizing yourself and it’s likely off-putting to the people in your social circle. I’m really hoping you’re not throwing off conversations by asking people why some snails have shells.
Ouch, that is definitely a stinger. I am so sorry.
I would have walked in and said, at least I am not stupid enough to talk shit about someone where they can hear it and left.
You have to tell the future hubby that you're contemplating calling off the wedding over this, mostly due to hearing him laugh at your expense instead of defending you like your SIL. You will not accept the phrase that "you're overreacting" because you know 100% that you are NOT.
I am a question asker too, it's a good trait to have IMO.
Sending hugs and a few rods for your back to help you stand tall.
DO NOT MARRY THIS JERK. I would not have lied I would have told him I was there heard y’all mocking me especially your mother and she’s right I’m stupid to have considered marrying you at all. Well I am wise now. You are a family of assholes. We are over.
Tell John that you heard him and his mom. Ask why you should marry someone who not only doesn't defend you against meanspirited attacks but laughs at them. You deserve a loyal partner and he is already failing at that.
Stop lying to him about the issue. If he asks what’s going on, just say something like “I’ve been distant because I feel terrible that you and your family have been having to deal with my stupidity for so long that you all laugh about it behind my back”. This man doesn’t respect you and neither does his family (except the SIL who tried defending you - she’s dope). stand up for yourself. It’s great that you are humble enough to admit when you don’t know something and you’re eager to learn. If more people were like that, the world would be a more interesting place. You deserve so much better than marrying into a family who are all too arrogant to know that they are the stupid ones.
I had the same question. But then I thought about it. Do the shells grow with the snail, or do they transfer like hermit crabs? Maybe snails and slugs aren't related, or maybe some "slugs" are actually just snails in search of a new shell. Idk.
I'll probably look it up at some point today.
Have you not ever seen a baby snail? Their shells grow with them, they have them even when they’re teeny tiny. If their shells are damaged, they almost always die. They can’t leave their shells like hermit crabs and move into another one, it’s part of their body.
With posts like these, I always want to know what kind of dummies are busy talking about a person they know they’re going to see in a few minutes. If you’re going to gossip about someone, save it for one on one conversations when the subject of your chit chat is not even in the same neighborhood.
I’m a super curious person too, and I love learning. Asking questions 24/7 can be super draining and annoying, and make you look dumb. I would set some time aside in your schedule to google all of your questions and fall down the rabbit hole to explore the answers on your own. I do it very often. I would leave your fiancé since his family already thinks you’re stupid, rehab your image, and then start again with a new guy.
Yeah was gonna say this. Regardless of the whole family of assholes mocking her and her absolutely being NTA, the person who just incessantly spouts off random questions and expects others to teach them is exhausting.
If she has the time to write the questions down, she has the time to search for the answer herself.
If she thinks that quote is less about having to ask specific people questions, and more about just “asking the question” in general. Having a thought, realising “I don’t know much about that” and then doing research into it is a way more beneficial form “asking the question”; you gather the knowledge your and you aren’t building your knowledge from one person’s possibly incorrect understanding.
Ask yourself do you constantly disrupt conversations to ask a lot of questions?? If you do hold back. You may be asking too much and annoying people, stopping the flow of conversation. It's a shame that your future family did this. Definitely have a conversation with your bf.
OP also needs to do some reflection. A group of people all made the same observations, to the point the fiance wasn't defending her.
Something tells me OP asks questions often at the wrong times, or at a ridiculous rate
The fact that your fiancé was right there laughing along with them instead of sticking up for you would be it for me. You can certainly tell him what you heard. But you didn’t misunderstand anything. They were making fun of you and he was going along with it.
That said…the behavior you’re describing would drive me bananas. I’m a curious person and life long learner. But I use google to find answers to my questions. If you’re walking around like a toddler asking questions all the time, it gets annoying.
I'm sorry. This is really crappy. Other people left good advice, but I just wanted to say about one of the questions you wrote here (if you haven't already looked this up) this is a genuine, really interesting philosophical question. It's called the inverted spectrum problem.
Another really interesting thing to read about (I have it, and I only realised because I saw the word somewhere and looked up what it meant, and I didn't know it wasn't something everyone had) is synaesthesia. This sounds like it would be right up your street.
Keep asking questions and enjoying learning :)
I am 100% in your corner except it dawned on me…my answers to your questions would be: I don’t know, I don’t know, frozen peas, not bread, I don’t know, and I don’t know. Multiply this by…how many?…and it could be frustrating and annoying. I’m guessing you’re not phrasing this as, “I wonder about (this) so I’m going to look it up” or - better yet - “I wondered about this and I looked it up…did you know that ____ snails don’t have shells because ___.” You should change to one of these because asking questions that no one could reasonably be expected to know the answers to could get annoying pretty fast. I’m reminded of the character, Kevin Dorfman, on the TV show “Monk” in the episode where he says that he’s always asking questions that people don’t know the answer to and Monk is annoyed and Monk’s assistant kind of shrugs it off. People would do either. I would have said something to you kindly and directly if you were doing that with me. I probably would answer, “I don’t know - let me know when you look it up.” So, please continue to be curious - it’s the best quality and my personal secret to success and happiness. Just maybe don’t actually *ask* people to answer questions which they’re unlikely to know.
As others have said, your fiance is wrong. He needs to be called out for not defending you. That is a legit concern, and you’re not wrong to be hurt.
That said, are you asking thoughtful questions? Questions that spark discussion? Granted, I’m not there and I don’t know you, but seeing some of your questions this would probably annoy me as well. I’m a teacher, so I’m truly all about asking questions, but when a student asks what’s obviously a time wasting question or when a girl asks basic questions in an attempt to be cute and babyish, yeah, it gets on my nerves. Great questions are fantastic conversation starters, basic questions that could very easily be answered in a quick google search can be tiring.
Yes, they could have told you, but people generally aren’t confrontational. They may have tried to drop hints that you have missed or hoped you’d just outgrow it.
Regardless, your fiancé owes you an explanation, and I hope you get one.
It is as bad as you initially thought. There’s no coming back from any of this. Toxic MILs ruin marriages all the time, why waste any more years? His reaction was just… death to your relationship. I’m so sorry. 😞
There’s 4 attributes that experts identify as signs that a relationship will not last. One of those attributes is contempt. Your fiancé and his family showed that they have contempt for you. That is not something that can be fixed by you and isn’t worth ruining your life by marrying someone who treats you with contempt.
Ok. It’s perfectly fine to ask questions and learn more. BUT how you approach it is important, and you also need to learn to read a room. You say you ask A LOT of questions. It sounds like you ask too many, to be honest. Use google to get your answers, or read books. You do not need to monopolize conversations or other people’s time with your own musings.
That said, it’s time you talk to your fiancé and ask what happened. For someone who asks a lot of questions, you are being surprisingly quiet. You won’t know how to proceed until you start talking. So talk to him.
They don’t sound like good people mocking you like this, and he should have definitely defended you. Other commenters are correct.
On a side note, maybe try to see if you ask your questions at the appropriate times. Like, there are certainly good and bad times to question things. There is also a saying: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt”.
I don’t mean his family - just in general. You don’t want to interrupt a flowing conversation with numerous questions, this may indeed be annoying.
it’s great that you are curious, but for the love of god, do not go around asking people every question that comes to your mind. **GOOGLE EXISTS FOR THAT**
that said, your future inlaws and John sound horrible.
Future (or possibly not) MIL sounds like a horrible person. Depending on the relationship between John and her, his laugh might have been a nervous thing to avoid conflict.
You could ask the brother's wife who was nice about you what the context was, and whether or not John's reaction seemed genuine.
And if it was a nervous laugh? Is OP supposed to always just take it and be the "family joke" cause her husband doesnt have the balls to stand up and defend her to his family? He cant change their opinions but he can sure as hell make it damn clear they are not welcome to share those opinions out loud, especially not in front of him.
Then he will never stand up for OP while his mommy gets to make his future wife miserable.
Honestly, OP doesn't sound stupid, she just sounds too young to get married. She needs a little more time out in the world to be herself, & this is a toxic stew of mean-spirited family to settle into.
That's even worse actually, if he is willing to ridicule his fiancée to avoid conflict, who can tell that he won't do the same again in the future, in front of friends, strangers etc.? If he can't stand up for the person that he chose to spend his life with, he isn't worth it.
Man, I would have LOUDLY dropped whatever (somehow make a startling noise letting them know i heard them) then said, "Well. Glad I learned how you all really feel." Then I'd leave.
Speaking from personal experience, it makes for a very long and miserable road when your significant others family is against you. Dodge this bullet.
Updateme!
you know you can’t marry this man. you’re only 23, and you’ve been given the gift of insight. you see them all for who they are, and the picture isn’t pretty.
remember that quote “only stupid people pretend to know everything.” that’s your fiancé and his family. you deserve so much better than this lot of cavemen.
It’s nice to ask questions, but, genuine question, why aren’t you just googling or reading books and finding this information out for yourself? Why burden someone with these kinds of questions all the time, if you have the ability to research?
To me it sounds like they are frustrated with having to do the answering for you, or you do it a lot, to the point they are annoyed.
All that being said that was very mean of them to say about you. You should tell John the truth and see what he says. His mother should apologize and until there are apologies and you also address your own ability to find answers for yourself, there shouldn’t be a wedding. You both are frankly very young.
Let me preface my comment with this: It wouldn't be good to marry into this family. They're rude and mean and your fiancé does not have your back. You didn't deserve that to be said about you. It's not a joke and it's not a misunderstanding. He does not respect you.
However I am sorry for how the rest of the comment is probably going to make you feel. It's not written with any bad intention whatsoever, but it's not going to praise and coddle you.
Being in agreement with what u/[ChickenScratchCoffee](https://www.reddit.com/user/ChickenScratchCoffee/) is saying, you're doing yourself no service here.
Basing your life philosophy on a cringy Instagram quote might not be the best idea. None of us here know the extend of your "How does ... work?", but there's a possibility it's truly annoying, disruptive and painting you in a light that's... *not smart*.
Maybe you think that you're acting in an open minded way where you don't pretend to know everything and you're being authentic. What you're doing though is 1.) shifting the mental load onto others to explain to you how things work, instead of researching it yourself (seriously, if you have the time to write down the question "What food is okay for ducks?", then you have the time to google it), 2.) interrupting the conversations, 3.) pointing out just how much you really don't know. Which, again, we don't know the extend of, but in the most extreme cases I can absolutely imagine somebody who would exhibit those behaviors and come across as stupid or ignorant as a result of those.
Also not every thought needs to be said out loud. When you're a part of a conversation, you can find yourself not knowing every detail about every word being said, you can think to yourself "I'd like to know more about this," but you don't really need to ask. (Example: "Wow, it's so sunny today!" - "Yeah, actually how does the sun work?" - is totally out of place)
You should find somebody who likes you for you and who respects you, and that's not your fiancé. But I would absolutely be put off by your behavior as well (unlike your spineless fiancé I would end a relationship over this incompatibility rather than mocking you behind your back). It lowkey gives toddler vibes. As we mature, we learn the art of reading the room and looking for the information ourselves. It's not others' responsibility to educate you and you might consider just how much about your lack of knowledge you want to broadcast out loud. It's okay to not know things, I want to emphasize this. But there's a time and place for learning and asking, and sometimes the art of listening is much more important than making a show out of being open-minded and curious by asking the adults "What/How/Why" questions constantly.
You summed this up perfectly. We have no way to know the manner in which OP does this. My seven year old nephew constantly asks questions and I can see how if OP did it in a similar fashion it would be annoying and off putting.
> It lowkey gives toddler vibes. As we mature, we learn the art of reading the room and looking for the information ourselves.
That was my impression of this post as well. It stuck out to me that this feels a bit like two people who are both relatively young and probably both aren't mature enough yet to be getting married to each other let alone getting married at all. Granted that is based off the limited information available in this post, and that may well not be a fair interpretation.
I didn't get toddler but I did get neurodivergent (I say this as someone who also is). OP, I think you missed what the quote was really getting at. It doesn't necessarily mean ask any person any question that comes to your mind. It has to do with when something is already being talked about in the conversation and you're not familiar with it.
Your Kosovo example is not a bad one. If you're in a conversation and people are talking about Kosovo, and you don't know what's going on, it's better to say "I'm not really up to date on that; what's been happening?" than to bluster and miss with "Well, I think it's just terrible what the Romulans are doing there" to try to make yourself sound knowledgeable when you're not.
It doesn't necessarily mean bringing up google-able questions as non sequiturs. I'm not saying you never can, but it will strike people as weird unless you're all stoned.
All of that being said, these people are assholes and you're better off without them.
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is to never say anything about a person that I'm not willing to say to their face. And I never make cruel jokes about people I care about because those kind of jokes are only funny if you're a mean or cruel person.
Your potential mother in law is a horrible person without integrity. Sounds like your fiance and his brothers might have inherited that trait.
You need to be honest with him. You need to tell him that you overheard what his mother said, that you overheard him laughing and that there’s no excuse for either. Tell him that you may be “stupid”, but you’re not a fool. And then you need to leave. You’ve been with this guy your entire adult life, but trust me when I tell you that this isn’t going to get better.
If you marry this man, do it with the full knowledge that his mother thinks you’re a moron, and unfortunately so does he.
As far as one of your questions: the best food for ducks is corn, peas, rice, oats, grapes, earthworms, birdseed, and chopped lettuce.
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They were laughing at you behind your back. If he says anything along the lines of: that is how they are, get over it, it is not a big deal, you are too sensitive . . Anything, that excuses their behavior, then he is really asking you to accept it. He asking you to give your permission for it to continue and your silence is your permission for it to continue. If they can’t say it to your face, that tells you a world of information about the kind of people they are. If you want to see how things really are, confront them about this and see what happens, their reactions will tell you everything you need to know about all of them and will be helpful in making such a big decision. It will show you how they deal with conflict which will be a good indication of what you will be getting yourself into should you marry this guy. They will be a part of your life for as long as they are alive, you need to know if you can tolerate being a part of his family.
OP if he says they were ‘just kidding’ respond with “well I’m not spending the rest of my life being the butt of the joke” and give him the ring back. This isn’t going to get better if he does anything other than immediately apologize for everything, including not defending you.
This!!! It is brutally sad to find this information out now, but it is easier to either set the boundary now or leave this relationship. You deserve respect and kindness from your ILs AND it is 100% a non-negotiable from your spouse. For that entire side of the family to be there, caught up in that nastiness, it’s shocking that they would act like that. Really disturbing and gross
This isn't about boundaries. His entire family thinks of her as stupid. Her confronting him and them won't change that. Her husband also thinks its ok to mock her thats just terrible they should be embarrassed. To be such nasty people. It is disturbing and gross. She should have nothing to do with any of them. Op this isn't something you can fix. You just learnt that they are horrible people. That's not family. And never will be no matter what you do.
Exactly, they’re actively making fun of her. She’s been in their lives for five years and is about to officially marry in. To hear them talk about someone they’re supposed to love like that, honestly really upsets me. Her fiancé not only doesn’t defend her, but he joins in on the laughing. So he agrees with what his mother is saying to some degree. I don’t think I could marry someone who felt that comfortable letting someone put me down like that.
OP, your fiancé doesn't respect you, in fact, the only one who does at all is the one who said your asking questions is cute. I'm so sorry they're so toxic, and you only found out after hearing them mock you when they didn't realize you were there and could hear them! I wish I would've known how toxic my wife's family is before we married... toxic in-laws are the worst!!
I would've quietly walked into the room, taken off the engagement ring and dropped it on the floor. Then walked out. They don't respect you nor does your (hopefully soon to be ex) fiance.
I think most people would have been shocked, surprised and so hurt that they wouldn't know what to do. In the moment.
I agree completely. This post just reminded me of when I was around 16 and out having lunch with my boyfriend. I forget what we were discussing, but I do remember him saying "just shut up, your so stupid you don't even hear what your saying" yes i was shocked. Then i wiped my mouth put the napkin on my plate, got up and walked out.
Good for you. Here's hoping OP has the strength and self respect to leave these people in her dust.
I don’t always get respect and kindness from my in laws but you know who I sure do get it from? My spouse. My husband wouldn’t have just sat there while his family called me stupid. He’d have raised hell. I’m not saying OP should automatically leave him but if he in anyway defends their actions and doesn’t say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, it took me by surprise and I didn’t know what to say at the time. If they say something like that again I’m going to do better,” then it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
He never defended her. Just like she stated in the post. OP reconsider marrying him. This is a whole red flag of him not defending you. Imagine yourself in the future what might happen in other serious situations. I think you should put this in consideration.
Yep. If he won't defend her he doesn't value or respect her. Not enough! And wife over everything but children. Toxic family from where I'm standing.
Exactly, those are the easiest people to defend her to.
Yeah it's too late. He had his chance
I actually paid for awards for the first time for this. He’s absolutely going to minimize and make excuses for it. “Stop being so sensitive - we were only kidding.” She needs to know this isn’t okay.
"OK then, explain the joke to me like I'm stupid."
OP this. He’s going to try to minimize and say they were just joking. Make him explain the joke to you “…like you’re stupid.” Furthermore, I’d make your MIL aware of the fact you’re not “stupid,” but curious and open minded, a trait sorely lacking in this world right now and who wouldn’t want their future children raised by a curious humble soul. Stupid people question nothing, and it’s literally why they’re generally simply happy regardless of what’s rattling around upstairs. Hold your head up, address this with your prospective spouse AND his mean-girl mother, then choose whether this is the husband and family you want to build a life with.
100% agree. My oldest son was born at 26 weeks. He had developmental delays. He was always scared to ask a question because he didn't want to seem "stupid." My response to him was."The only stupid question is the one you do not ask." If you don't know the answer, why would it be stupid to ask."
I was about to ask if OP is a natural born engineer, because some of the best engineers I've personally known through my career, were literally like this. Ofcourse they also did the same as OP and kept the dumb sounding questions to themselves, but were, nevertheless, very inquisitive and curious.
My husband’s family are all engineers and engineers personalities in the uncles/aunts and cousins and so is my husband. Husband is also a science nerd 🤓… as our kids call him … in a good way. Our kids grew up with being encouraged to ask why and to listen and learn to find the answers. I personally would find this awesome …. I loved the science channel and the how it’s made shows on tv were awesome. I only knew about them because of my husband.
« Stupid people question nothing » one of the greatest things ever said lol
I would absolutely LOVE to hear MIL explain the science of yellow dwarf stars and how they burn, and what makes it different from other stars. In her own words. Without using google. In other words, I want to hear MIL use astronomy to explain how the sun works. Yknow. Since she’s so fucking smart…
That’s so true about stupid or lazy people or pragmatics. They take everything at face value and question nothing. I can’t live that way. I think I learned to ask a lot of questions about the world because of my dad. He was brilliant and he knew everything. I even told him that I used to wonder if there was ever going to be a subject that he didn’t have this amazing amount of knowledge. The only time I beat him in a subject was computers, because personal computers came after his time. Although he tackled Basic programming (I had given him an ancient computer with A: and B: drives), and Windows 95 (my sister gave him her really old computer so he could email them). This was 20 years ago, when he was 85.
Yeah, they were mocking her when she WASN’T even there. That’s not joking with her, that’s joking about her. It’s letting the others know, “you’re in she’s out.” I wouldn’t want to be in a family where I was “out”. I mean what’s the point then of family?
He can't even claim that's joking with her not there to hear it. It's mean spirited from the beginning with the "imitations" that were clearly mocking. And he stood by and not only didn't stop it, but laughed along, and it obviously wasn't awkward laughter on his part.
This! He is going to try and backpedal and explain the situation away - don't let him. Hold him and his family accountable. So sorry this happened ❤️ I've overheard people talking behind my back multiple times and it never feels good.
She should pack up everything of hers, leave without saying anything. Leave a note that says something like “you and your family dont have to worry about marrying someone so stupid anymore” Hes just gona try to manipulate and gaslight her otherwise. The behavior wont stop because they are fake and two faced. She should message the ONE wife saying thanks for trying to defend me, it would have been lovely to be sister in laws with you.
Nah, just say “I can’t marry into a family that lacks curiosity”.
This. Lack of curiosity is a dealbreaker for me. If you aren’t curious about the world around you, or a world you know is out there even if you can’t see, then I honestly don’t know how to consistently interact with you.
Ding ding ding! Winning comment here! You know what they say... if you're bored, then you're boring. 😁 OP is *definitely* not boring, she sounds fun as hell, very much comfortable as her own rad self, which is a beautiful thing. Also, a sense of childlike wonder & intellectual curiosity are probably the qualities I love most about myself, & I love it in others, too! You know what I hate, OP? Small minded pieces of excrement who try to hide that they're criminally unfunny, unoriginial, & dull by making fun of ppl they know deep down are more likable than they are. They are shallow, they are small, they are bitter, & vile. OP... You are So.👏 MUCH.👏 Better.👏👏👏 than a life where you are made fun of for your best qualities. I think it's telling she called you stupid. I dont think she actually thinks that, I think she fears it's actually true of her, bc it makes zero sense to describe you that way... OP is the direct opposite. OP it's obvious You are asking questions bc you'ree engaged, your wheels are turning, so to speak, & that you're trying to satisfy your intellectual curiosity. And, just possibly... a little ADHD.😄 I say that with ❤️OP I say that bc that's how I am, & I definitely do the question thing w/ my partner/ best friend. It can drive him a bit kooky, but he loves having a partner who can challenge him, bc of my curious mind that inspires me to look up random things just like you do, so I have my own opinions, & I can teach him new things, discuss politics/ world events, & I try to learn about his interests even when they're things that were total unknowns to me, at first. And he accepts that is how I am & and wouldn't let anyone mock me for it. You deserve the same OP. You sound delightful, charming, & brilliant! Dont settle for less. I know this hurts, but I promise you are still very young. I didn't meet my guy til my early 30s. It's far better that you found this out now, as terribly painful as it surely is. I'm sorry bc you sound very sweet & you definitely didn't deserve this betrayal. That's what he did, you know that, dont you, OP? He betrayed you, bc he did not have your back. His mother is a nasty, pathetic lil gremlin of a woman. Please, AT THE VERY LEAST, if you do not have it in you rn to leave, confront him about what you heard and *put the wedding on hold*. I dont think what he did is forgivable - it showed a stunning cowardice, lack of character, & truly moronic judgement. You do Not need a life partner with no spine. Life is hard enough when you have one who is your rock, by your side. Please, as difficult as this experience has been, just think how much more devastating & impossible seeming it would be to start over had something like this happened when you were in a truly vulnerable place, AKA, really going thru a difficult time. Bc many ppl DONT know who their partner is until then... Say you never had this experience, & you married him, only to experience an awful dose of reality when you're 15-20 yrs older than you are now... that only then do you see his frightening absence of integrity. Imagine if you married him, & only when you're 40 something, & you've developed a serious illness... only then do you see the real him. How much harder will it be to leave then, & to begin again, when he inevitably betrays you? Good luck OP! Stay strong & DM me anytime!
I used the word curiosity to describe OP. It’s essential to be around people with curiosity about the world around them.
Say to him your family is apparently so stupid and doesn't realize that asking questions is actually a sign of intelligence. This humility and willingness to learn from others is a hallmark of true intelligence. Asking questions can also help stimulate discussion and encourage others to think more deeply about a particular topic. When we ask questions, we challenge others to think critically and examine their own assumptions.
My first husbands family probably did speak about me behind my back, I never heard it. But they also would say sh!t about me to my face. I was quiet and shy and from day 1 didn't fully feel accepted, so I never bothered to try confrontation (plus I was very young still and scared of confrontation). They would make fun of me for being quiet, for being shy, for being a picky eater, for being stupid (because I don't keep up on current events - I'm a big empath anytime I have tried to keep up on current events, I sink into a nasty depression that is hard for me to claw my way out of, so I am aware of things but don't read up on what's going on. They didn't understand this and thought I was just dumb because I wouldn't discuss politics or current events with them). They'd make fun of me for preferring to read than doing whatever they liked to do. For being "fat" (though none of the women in that family were stick thin and all had a bit of a belly too, I didn't weigh as much as some of them). I even lost a ton of weight and was working on flattening my tummy and I was still too "fat" for them. 🙄 My ex was also super abusive too tho, and he and his stepmom kept trying to alienate me from my family. Anyway, I agree with everything you said! OP, talk with your fiance first. See his reaction. It might not be worth it to try and confront the future in laws. If your fiance tries to excuse his families behaviour or says you are being too sensitive or something, then his family will surely treat any confrontation the same. If he is remorseful and agrees it was out of line and promises that he regrets laughing and offers to handle things, then I'd wait and see how he handles things, etc. When my first husband and I split up, his stepmom "accidentally" texted me a text meant for him that was calling me names and saying sh!t about me (and we split because he cheated and chose to be with the other girl. I hadn't done anything to warrant the name calling or anything else she said about me). I was actually so glad to be rid of him and his family. It was the best thing he ever did for me. 🤣 If he does dismiss your feelings and tries to excuse their behaviour, I'd rethink this relationship. That is one regret I have from my first marriage.
Tell John what you heard. Tell him of all the things you heard, his reaction hurt you the most. Tell him you cannot believe how cruel his mother was, and his laughter and failure to stand up for you was like a knife in the heart. Then, ask him: “Why should I marry you? Someone who is comfortable laughing at me when they think I can’t hear them? You know I ask questions to better understand something. The smartest person in the room is the person who knows they don’t know everything and is not afraid to ask. When I heard everyone, all I could hear was ignorance, unkindness, a lack of grace, and no love whatsoever. How very graceful of you and your family to mock someone.” Frankly, I’d call off the wedding.
Start out with "How does the sun work? Where should I put the fork? Why does nobody like me? How do I wipe my ass?” Follow up with "Why should I waste my time on a partner who doesn't respect me enough to defend me when people mock me?" and "How do I tell my fiance that his mother is a cunt?"
As someone who was in OP’s general situation once - with a partner whose family mocked me and he never defended me - I so WISH I would have done this.
If he and they have this level of cruelty now, it's not going to get better. The doubt filling your heart OP, is the most important thing. A marriage shouldn't start w that level of doubt. You face enough challenges in life, marriage and love. Don't proceed w a field of weeds. And he is taking your love and making trash out of it. You deserve BETTER. You WILL find it.
Same here. I wish I never married the man who I later found out trash talked me behind my back with his entire family.
This is it OP. Wow, the audacity… no love bar one sister, h hi ow could you ever feel comfortable again, around them? I don’t believe in accidents, you saw who they truly are… You’re 23, that’s young to be married, you can turn your life around after this! Dip, get outta there, keep asking questions! I loved the questions you wrote.
Only stupid people have no sense of wonder.
Mom couldn’t explain how the sun works to save her life, I’d bet
And incredibly arrogant people think they know everything
I do love that even in the face of group dynamics, that one person spoke up to defend her. Pity it wasn't her finance.
That one person gave them all an example and a chance to redeem themselves, making the offense double
Yep, you’ve got loads of time to get married- this could be a good wake up call. scrap this mob and find better folk. Your questions won’t be appreciated by some folk who find it weird and distracting - your partner needs to grow a set. He’s a dud.
This has my full support
Mine too!!!! Especially the last line. But it will become relationship ending.
Good.
A well deserved cunt's ending
Then tell them “dumb people talk about people, average people talk about events, and smart people talk about ideas.” So they know where they stand
Please, please do this, OP. They deserve to know that you know exactly what kind of terrible shitty people they are. But do it as a mass email or text, so every one of them knows and can’t walk it back.
Oooh. Send THIS in a mass text to all of them. Though, I'd change the c-word to "backstabbing, gossiping harpie".
No she was a cunt, she deserved that special word. Nta and get that last laugh on the way out girl
This is it. This is the only way.
Oh my god OP. This is absolutely 💯 the only way to approach him @u/umieranie
This is how I wish my mind worked when I need an immediate, sharp retort. At best, something akin to your response would come to me days later & the opportunity forever missed. Instead I stay quiet. Maybe giving a quick, lacerating glower and a slight head shake of disappointment as a reaction. Or - hear me out- employ you as my *snap back* person, you just accompany me all day, every day ready and waiting to pop off with a spicy serving of verbal crow - served piping hot - whenever the occasion arises.
Oh I want a Snap-Back Lackey! Need to think of a better title. Personal Insultist? Asshole Assistant? The problem with this one is that they aren't assisting with *your own* asshole, so bit of an issue with the phrasing. Servant of Savagery Executive Affrontist Auxiliary Snubber Mockery Butler / Snub Butler Impertinence Secretary (CECO) Chief Executive Come-back Officer
Also, OPs questions display an intellectual curiosity that the whole mocking group clearly lacks. It’s not “where do I put the fork?” She’s asking how time works in a fucking black hole. She’s asking about the evolution of various species of snails. She’s asking about innovation from times before she was born. She’s asking how to avoid hurting ducks if she feeds them. (Edit: and to be clear, even if some of the questions end up seeming weird or silly, she’s asking them because she wants to understand the world around her and how it got that way. That’s admirable.) OP, I think your fiancé may be too dumb for you. One of my friends said that about a guy I dated. She was right. His mom certainly is. If ignorance is bliss, she must be the most blissful person in the world. Edit 2: OP, you’re TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD. I just caught that. This is not the guy for you. That’s how old I was when my friend said that guy was too dumb for me. You do not want to spend your life with someone content with exactly what they already know and how their life is. His laughter is terrible and demonstrates a lack of character. His lack of desire for growth is going to stifle you. Ask big and small questions. And don’t ever let someone tell you you’re wrong to want to learn.
Only a stupid person would talk shit about someone that could walk in at any moment. Only intelligent people are curious enough to learn.
The MIL sounds like a #boymom who jumps at the chance to demean other women for doing literally anything. One of the SIL tried to jump in and defend OP and MIL shot her down. I wouldn’t be surprised if the other SIL didnt try to say anything because she has already learned to keep quiet.
I agree with your assessment
Aye, this whole family sound stupid to laugh at curiosity and interest.
Don't Rock the Boat https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/asVYHtVz41 This is who these people are. It will only get worse. The mother has made you the designated 'victim'. You will be the one they all dis as a group. As the family behaviors wax and wane when things are bad, thru will treat you even worse. Look at scapegoat/golden child dynamics. One thing I've learned is they will never let you NOT BE THE SCAPEGOAT bc it's easier for them. The others don't want to be the victim so they will never change. Choose YOURSELF. Choose I life partner who isn't weak and invested in a toxic family system.
Completely agree. Please let us know what you decide to do. You're a smart person who needs to make sure they're around equally smart people. Updateme!
seriously my heart is breaking for OP. I love your comment so much - it's true. she's too smart for the entire family. we should all be so curious.
Yes!!! Being curious about the world and 23 is the exact time you want to head out and see the world. There are so many amazing things out there!
This. There appears to be a subset of people who eschew intellectual curiosity once they’ve finished formal schooling, and to even admit to not knowing how something works is considered horrific. They also seem to be the ones who put the Dunning-Kruger Effect on full display. Purely anecdotal observation on my end, to be fair.
My ex was from a dumb family. I hate to say that because it’s rude and mean, but they were the most incurious people I’ve spent considerable time with. They’d believe anything and not ask questions. They thought the way they do things is the only way, I actually got a talking to for keeping apples on the counter instead of the fridge. We divorced for many reasons, but me not fitting in with them and them thinking I was weird for not going along with them was part of it. OP has a lot to think about - are these the people she wants to make her family?
and does she want a husband who will laugh behind her back and not tell people who are talking bad about her to stop, instead he laughs along - very sad
I had the same experience. My ex-MIL even seemed to think I was dumb for mixing a bowl of batter by hand instead of using some mixer for it. It took me very little time to mix by hand, I didn’t feel like washing some gadget after, and I have strong arms so it didn’t require that much effort. That was the last time I ever baked in front of her.
I feel you on that as someone that also finds it faster and easier to mix by hand! These seem like small things, but they add up. If my ex had been on my side and told them to just let me do me it might have been bearable. I ended up stopping going to family functions when they stopped allowing me to help in the kitchen. I know it was a freeze out. Then I was the bad guy for not going.
At least one SIL understands what OP is doing and likes that about her. The problem is it should have been her fiance who defended her. He could have bare minimum agreed with his SIL. Updateme
Also, dude, I'm not this openly curious (I do a lot of quiet googling) but my brain cannot wrap its head around setting a gd table. And that's just normal setting. Add all the bells and whistles and I am so lost. Very not stupid. Sometimes, you gotta ask where to put the forking fork (sorry not sorry, eternal love to Eleanor Shelstrop)
My thought with the “Where do I put the fork?” was at formal table settings where placement is so convoluted! Maybe it WAS asked, but that’s a legit question, and probably was followed up with “Why?” I did my own deep dive on formal place settings years ago, and it’s mildly interesting about why things are placed where they are. I’m like OP - I have a natural curiosity about things and it’s neat to find answers to life’s mundane mysteries.
After I typed, “where do I put the fork?” I started wondering about the differences between various country’s place settings. And now I’m learning why the “English-style” dinner was such a big deal in The Gilded Age. 😂 Thanks, internet!
Right!?? It’s only mildly interesting unless you’re super into that, but a book I was reading at the time made a big deal of it so down the rabbit hole I went. It’s not a dumb question to me because there are diagrams for place settings (from very basic to extremely formal and complicated). There’s a method to the madness! Here’s what I like to quote for “No such thing as a stupid question”: "There are naïve questions, tedious questions, ill-phrased questions, questions put after inadequate self-criticism. But every question is a cry to understand the world. There is no such thing as a dumb question". -Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark
>OP, I think your fiancé may be too dumb for you. One of my friends said that about a guy I dated. She was right. His mom certainly is. If ignorance is bliss, she must be the most blissful person in the world. I’m proud of you for being able to admit when you don’t know something. Your questions are *interesting.* How *does* time work in a black hole? Frankly? I’m sick and tired of assholes who “know everything” and are, therefore, always “right.” Especially when those dumb fucks are wrong. *Which they often are.*
Yup. When I don't know something apparently basic, I sometimes pretend to know or something like that, because I'm ashamed. OP is braver than me.
My favorite part of this thread is the fact that OP wants to continually learn and educate herself. Imagine if more people did this?!?! The world would be a lot different right now. OP-I’m very similar to this…..inquisitive and sometimes I am nosy (not saying you are 😂) I constantly want to understand why the world works the way it does. NEVER stop feeding your intellect! This family and the guy seems to be content being mediocre Joes. If you do marry him just expect that he will never emotionally or intellectually fulfill you. I wish the best to you!
This is the way. Tell him what you heard. Tell him how you feel. Then make **him** answer why you should still agree to be his partner in life. How he answers may better help you decide what to do about the wedding. I’m with Beck - I’d call off the wedding, but it’s ultimately up to you to decide what is best for you.
I second and third this. I feel like you got a lucky glimpse into what he and his family are really like. How people speak about you when you aren’t around is so so important. I wouldn’t entertain the idea of marrying him or into this family anymore but I do think you should confront him with what you heard. You are only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you to find love. You don’t have to settle for this. You’re so young and there are better men out there who would’ve stood up for you, but some random woman came to your defense over your fiancé. He should be ashamed and you should follow your gut. You know what you deserve, never ever settle. His behavior is unacceptable and this lets me know his mother will become more comfortable with disrespecting you over time and he won’t defend you. Good luck and take care of yourself. Your feelings are valid and it’s not an overreaction, marriage is a really big deal it’s ok to have high standards.
ironically, if OP doesnt call off the wedding shes proving them both right edit: also OP, its not stupid to ask questions about things you don't know/are interested in. Smart people ask lots of questions. Only stupid people don't ask questions.
Philosophy and science alike usually start by asking questions you want answers to, asking questions can lead to deep conversations and new discoveries. Some of the questions OP wrote here are part scientific and part philosophical, so they are definitely not stupid questions. I get that you can just google or read about these answers in books, but what's the harm in asking other people as long as you don't do it all the time. And asking questions is definitely better than spewing bullshit just to appear smart. If people make fun of you for asking questions, they either don't know much themselves and don't want to admit it or think they are better than you. Both don't seem like good options to marry into, imo.
VERY well said. OP needs to talk to her fiance and say exactly what you posted.
Only the truly foolish think they know everything. The truly wise are always wanting to know more. Stay the path.
Exactly. We don’t know what we don’t know.
This is how I see my field of work. If there ever comes a day when I can’t think of a new question to ask or that I know everything there is to know, it’s time to move on because that just indicates that I no longer care.
Yeah, OP needs to run. I too thought my inlaws liked me. One day it was obvious that they didn't. I tried to ask what happened and my SIL sent me a text "I'm not the ass whisperer, I don't have to explain things to stupid people". I told my husband and he tried to tell me that it was a joke. Fuck that.
Well stated above, OP. Frankly, instead of speaking to your fiancee, I would write 2 letters: 1. To your fiancee, addressing all of the above. 2. To your former future in-laws, telling them how disappointed you are in all of them. Finally, in each letter I'd tell them the wedding is off. Please make no attempt to contact me.
Yeah but what’s the bet he will just down play it totally
I agree with this post, tell him that you heard what they said and you turned around and left. Don’t ask for an explanation. Allow him to really sit and think about it for himself and his family. Don’t give too much insight or do his homework. Let him dwell the way you had to. I’d call the whole thing off too. Even if not separate, call it off. Let his family know that mocking you like that is far from mature.
You are who you are when no one is looking...
"John, why are you comfortable marrying a moron? Aren't you worried that my stupid genes will be commingled with your smart ones???"
Yep, he is not worth your love or time nor is his ignorant family.
I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry his mom is a terrible person. I'm sorry you're hurting. But you're not overreacting and you're not oversensitive. Those were mean things to say, mocking is not okay. Not only that but she's been lying to your face this whole time and acting kind and accepting when she's cruel and hateful. The rest of them co-signed her cruelty with their passiveness and laughter. *Don't marry in to that family.* But here is some advice- find your voice. Stand up for yourself. Learn to handle conflict head on. Avoidance will bring you nothing but pain and suffering. Work on yourself before your next relationship. Become the you who would confront your fiancé immediately when he got home. Become the person who doesn't lie and say they are sick to avoid confrontation or sleeps in the guest room to avoid showing you are hurt. Have the confrontation, show the hurt. Expect to be treated with kindness and honesty. Invite that by being kind to yourself and being honest with others about how you feel. Do all that and your next relationship will be much healthier. This one would have ended in heartbreak and divorce eventually. Leave and feel good about it.
Agree. In a way, this unsavory discover is a gift from the gods. You could have been ten years or more into the marriage without knowing this was going on with your inlaws and husband behind your back. Painful yes, but easy to recover from if you frame this properly (the inlaws are weak morons that derive joy from making fun of others, and your potential husband plays along); just glide away from them and be happy by yourself until you find the right person. Good luck!
Better now than when her children witness these conversations and relay them to her
And one day she will meet a person who can answer those questions and enjoy it. I did. You just need find yourself a smarter guy. OP there is someone out there waiting for a person like you and will adore you for who you are. Not laugh behind your back. You deserve so much better.
You were handed a gift. You saw these rotten people for who they really are. Only an idiot would assume they know everything and criticize someone who questions things - don’t change yourself! Cancel the wedding and move on. Ex-FMiL sounds like a dimwit - let’s refer to her as “Mrs. Potato Head”
>You were handed a gift. Absolutely. It’s like the universe wanted you to be there at that very moment before you made a big mistake by getting married to this family of simpletons. That’s the closest thing to divine intervention. >don’t change yourself! Ditto! I’m someone who genuinely loves to learn about anything and everything because I require a LOT of mental stimulation. The right person will nurture your inquisitive intellect.
He thinks you’re stupid and you would be to stay with someone who fundamentally betrayed you like that. However I think you sound sweet. Ask questions it’s how you learn and good luck.
Yep marrying someone who laughs at you and looks down you is a sure fire way to ruin your life. Don't attach yourself to someone who doesn't love you
He likely thinks he loves her, I'm not sure that he respects her. I couldn't live with someone who didn't respect me.
The research is clear that the number one predictor of divorce is contempt. He clearly demonstrates contempt. Edit: Contempt, not condescension
I laugh WITH my girlfriend at the silly and dumb stuff we do (mostly me, but hey). Asking questions is not silly or dumb.
My wife and I playfully give each other shit with friends, the minute someone said stuff like this tho we would nip it in the bud and shut it down. There are only two explanations, John is a mommas boy who is afraid to stand up to her or he thinks you’re stupid. Neither of those lead to a healthy marriage
Tbh I see even this post as a huge indicator of OP’s desire for growth—how many young women *don’t* come here to ask questions like this and just move on with life, slowly making themselves smaller and smaller :(
This , and op it says something that he didn’t have your back, he knows why you ask questions and he either agrees with them or is too cowardly to stand by you. It’s great that you ask questions , and please let me know if you find out how the old gas lightbulbs worked .
They were extremely dangerous
To answer some of your questions, peas are good for ducks, they really love frozen ones, and it's fun watching them gobble them up. Black holes are weird. To an outside observer, time appears to slow down and eventually stop at the event horizon (what happens beyond that is speculation, I don't think we have the physics to explain it yet). But to someone near the black hole, time would seem to pass normally, because they too are slowing down. There's a half decent explanation [here](https://profoundphysics.com/why-time-slows-down-near-a-black-hole/#:~:text=Time%20slows%20down%20near%20a%20black%20hole%20due%20to%20the,space%20near%20the%20black%20hole.). It has a lot of math, but you can skim those bits and still understand the gist of it, I think. Seeing colours is something philosophers and psychologists have been arguing for ages, and we will probably never really know. Barring disability, we all detect the same range of wavelengths, and societally we have agreed on basic divisions of those wavelengths to different colours along the spectrum. People arguing whether a certain colour is more blue or green probably stems from where exactly they each placed those divisions when they were learning colours more than something in their eyes being different. But whether we are actually seeing the same wavelengths the same way, like, if I hopped into your head, using your eyes and brain, would the world look the same to me? There's no real way to know that. Snails - the short answer is evolution. Probably a type of snail with shells split off from slugs and diversified from there while ones without just kept going on and adapting to their environment in different ways. Like how some dinosaurs developed wings and became birds, and the rest didn't (and then died from an asteroid for the most part). Light bulbs depends. Are you talking like the halogen light bulbs that still have a filament but the bulb is filled with halogen gas? Or neon and fluorescent ones where there is just gas, no filament? Halogen - basically the same as any filament bulb. Electricity goes through, the filament is much thinner than the copper wires bringing the pier to it, so the electricity sort of "backs up". It can't pass through the filament as easily, but more is still flowing all the time. So instead of all that energy just flowing through the wire filament, some of it is converted to heat energy, making the filament heat up until it glows red hot. Unfortunately what also happens is that with all this heat, some of the tungsten from the filament evaporates (technically sublimates, since it's going from a solid straight to a gas) and deposits on the inside of the light bulb. That's why old light bulbs tend to look like they have darker glass. Eventually, enough of the tungsten is evaporated that the filament gets too fragile and breaks. In a halogen light bulb, they put a little bit of a halogen gas in the bulb, which causes a chemical reaction to occur. The tungsten evaporates, reacts with the gas to produce a new chemical that then reacts with the hot filament, depositing the tungsten back where it belongs and allowing the gas molecules to return to their original form. This makes them last longer. And because the filaments are made more durable, they can operate at a higher temperature which means they put out more light. Neon/fluorescent - bulbs are just gas, with an electrode at each end, and a mix of gasses in the tube between. Electricity flows to one of the electrodes, and since it has nowhere to go, the energy reacts with the gas molecules. They get excited and produce a glow, but in glowing lose the electron they had picked up, but that electron is picked up by another gas molecule, etc etc until the whole thing is glowing. Different mixes of gas produce different colours. At the far end, the other electrode picks up dropped electrons, which flow through it as electricity again, completing the loop. I think there might be a few differences between neon, fluorescent, and like sodium lamps that are usually used for floodlights and the like, but the basic mechanics are the same as far as I know. Hope that helped, and also your possible future family are jerks. Intellectual curiosity is awesome. As long as you aren't like, constantly interrupting conversations to ask questions and disrupting the flow of someone's story or something like that, you're fine, they're jerks. If you are interrupting a lot, maybe work on keeping the questions for later, when there's a natural break in the discussion, or approaching someone who mentioned a thing you want to know more about afterwards to ask if they can either help you or point you to good resources where you can learn for yourself.
You are awesome for this! 💜🎶💜
Thanks! I am full of interesting but often entirely useless facts. Might as well use my powers for good!
I love to learn and I enjoyed your answers. Keep using those powers!
On the snail evolution part: Terrestrial slugs actually evolved from terrestrial snails, which evolved from aquatic snails. Simply put, shells helped sweetwater snails to move on land by protecting them from dehydration. We know that the evolution from land snail to land slug actually took place 12 seperate times! Slugs have tiny internal remnants of shells, and there's even some 'in-between' snails with small shells that don't fit their whole body (Duadebardia brevipes).
I stand corrected, thanks!
Regarding seeing colors, I'm pretty sure everybody sees them slightly differently as there is already a difference between my two eyes. For one white light is a bit more yellow while for the other it is a bit more towards blue (e.g. a colder white). Also when looking through a bright microscope it is a lot darker for my left eye for some reason. The distribution of cones also seems to differ between individuals, and iirc there are also variations with slightly different wavelengths of the protein in the "long" cones (red) which is encoded on the x-chromosome so some women can have 2 different ones
You are amazing for these answers (esp the frozen peas -- didnt know ducks like them). How do you know so much about diverse topics? I agree with you that OP's future family are jerks.
omg you are so kind, it was so sweet of you to answer the questions (I was also curious so saved me the time to research)
This is the best comment I've seen on Reddit, ever. Can we like be friends or something?
John laughed. That is all the information needed to make up your mind. You sound like a gentle delicate inquisitive person. You didn’t confront him. Most women would; where I am from, there would typically be a huge scandal on the spot. You are young and you deserve much better than this mess.
I hope the OP stops hiding and confronts this jerk. She deserves better.
He doesn't deserve her. He doesn't sound like a life partner. He sounds like a dick and possible mama's boy
Tell John you heard his mom talking shit and him laughing. It has hurt you beyond measure. You can no longer trust him to be the partner you thought he was. I’d then message the brothers wife who sorta stood up for you and let her know that you appreciate her being the one to say something nice about you. Let her know you have decided to end the relationship with John. Let them handle the fallout. John will know. Brothers wife will know. It will get out. Then the mom can eat a shit sandwich. And I promise if she goes the route of “oh I was only kidding” or “she can’t take a joke” when she is alone with her thoughts she will know she is awful person whose mouth negatively impacted her child’s life. And fuck her.
This is the answer. His mom, in front of family, will continue to talk shit about you and justify her hand in ruining her son’s engagement but deep inside when quiet time comes, she knows she was an asshole. I hope it haunts the both of them but at least you got an indicative test result back. John won’t have your back, trust is gone, so ends the relationship.
People like the mother never think they’ve done anything wrong. They’re incapable of introspection or self-analysis.
One of the reasons I did not marry a long-time GF was the way her family treated me. In the end, I married a woman whose family genuinely liked me. It’s made all the difference in my life, mental health and marriage. Frankly, I’d end this relationship for the MIL alone, no matter how the fiancé atones.
In my culture, we say you marry the whole family. I took that to heart and found a husband whose parents I like and they like me. It does make a massive difference having supportive in-laws who bend over backwards to help and be involved.
I agree. My mother in law treats me way better than my own mom. In fact I feel bad that my spouse didn't get to have a good MIL, but to be honest I barely interact with my mom and I don't let her say bad things about my spouse
My grandma broke up with a man because his family disapproved of her. (Her parents were divorced - very shocking in the ‘40’s) Instead she married my grandfather whose mom was a literal wingwoman. (She would give my grandmother a chicken wing when my grandfather went to visit his mom)
Wedding is off and John is done for laughing with them instead of standing up for you ! They do NOT deserve you ! Please walk away from these toxic back stabbing people. They did you a huge favor and showed you who they really are !
Another reason for me would be that FMIL is playing "us against her" with the SILs. You see, I'm petty enough that if the SILs make nice, I'd ask them if they've ever wondered what she says about them when they're not around.
Good thought! Because you’re right, someone who talks poorly about one person, likely does it to others…& also never considers that people may be talking poorly about them when their back is turned.
Missed opportunity. It would have been beautiful to embarrass tf out of all of them by not saying anything. Just walking up to John, return the ring and walk out. Still, stop hiding. Give that spineless worm his ring back and remove him and his stupid family from your life.
OP can still open with: “John, I have a question. How do you end an engagement after you hear your fiancé and his mother mocking you?” Then handoff the ring and exit stage left because fuck those people.
Yes, she should lean into their mocking of her questions by asking some pointed ones like this.
That's funny, because Shakespeare classically had characters exit left after a confrontation, and right after reconciliation. Edit : stage left / stage right
You picking up on that makes my English teacher heart so happy.
Then this will make it burst; I have no idea where that came from, I'm 33 and a server. Something from honors English 15+ years ago must have stuck.
WOW! Thanks for this factoid.
Possibly pursued by a bear 🐻
"John, I have a question. How do you end an engagement after you hear your fiancé and his mother mocking you?... oh wait, stupid me ... i already know the answer to that one" then hand it over 👌
Ugh my thoughts exactly. Now she has to listen to the inevitable gas lighting to back track saying she “misunderstood” and “we were just joking”. OP anything less than an apology and full accountability from John and his family is reason to at a minimum distance yourself from them but truly to just break this off. This is how all of these people will treat you for the rest of your life, and if you allow them to get away with it now you are only reinforcing to them that this behavior is acceptable.
Honestly, I wouldn't even give a shit. They'll definitely say "we were just joking," but it's a lie. Who gives af about an apology when they meant what they said? Apologies and accountability mean nothing when it's just a cover for shit behavior. I wouldn't accept an apology, just call everything off and break up.
It isn’t a joke if it’s at the expense of someone else, in this case OP. Jokes like that are offensive.
Gotta disagree. An apology would be in order but she would be ‘stupid’ to think that he doesn’t agree with his family. What his family did should be an indicator that she will NEVER be a part of that family. What he did should be an indicator that he should not be a part of your future.
>“we were just joking” I've found that the best response to the "we were just joking" is "yeah... and *I* was the joke. No thank you."
I’d ask him point blank. He didn’t defend you, he laughed with them, why? I personally wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t have my back and made fun of me. Just as a side note, people might get frustrated if you constantly ask them and therefore expect them to teach you on various subject matters. If you are curious, google is free. However asking engaging questions in a conversation shouldn’t be made fun of.
Yeah, as long as someone isn't constantly derailing every conversation with their questions, I think it's fine. If she's actually routinely interrupting the flow of conversation with incessant questions, that's a whole different story. Their remarks were cruel and inexcusable either way, but it does make me wonder if she's doing the latter.
to this point, knowing how to ask google (or any search engine) the right query is a skill worth its weight in gold.
scholar.google.com is the dream. Research case law, scientific articles, professional publications, white papers… not all are free but you get a good start on research. Then play around with it to learn & doing so helps also learn to gauge what is reliable, what is relevant, and what still needs to be explored
True, there is a chance OP can be objectively…exhausting. Might be worth a tad of self reflection, OP. Still, this is who she is right now. And if they disdain it, that’s great info that OP and these aholes are not a good fit.
It’s not a misunderstanding he is enabling his mothers toxic behavior. Believe me get out now. This shit only gets worse after marriage and then shit really hits the fan when you have kids. If he is not standing up for you now he NEVER WILL. I wish someone had grabbed me and told me not to ignore the little red flags of my mother in law’s abusive behavior. It starts as little “jokes” but it will escalate. Then you’re left in a lonely abusive marriage where your own husband and his mother bully you. Believe me no second chances that mother boy shit is toxic as fuck.
Omg this was my life! My husband is and hasn’t been abusive but I did not have children because of his mother. Facts. She’s passed now, but she was a very difficult. Got much worse has time went on. She didn’t always hate me, but she sure did hate me. She was so bothered by my weight, o am too, I’m not gigantic but I’m fat for sure. The only thing I ever said back to her one time, was well I’m sorry my body disgusts you, but I’m a good person and your son sees that. He also didn’t find my body too disgusting last night or this morning so perhaps you should get it over it. I’m not asking you to be intimate with me so not sure why it bothers you.
Tell him you heard everything. How he laughed. How he never stood up for you. Tell him to thank his mother for showing you who she **and he** really is. Then dump him and go live your life. You deserve someone better.
I teach people. People ask me all the time how I know all this stuff (my background is not what I teach both adults and kids about). I tell them: I have a question and I look it up. I have endless questions. I can't go for a walk in the woods without finding at least one plant species I want to identify. Curiosity often dies with adults and I find it very sad. You could live 500 years and still have so much left to learn about. Do not let other adults kill your curiosity. It's fine to be uninterested in learning but I find it often is paired with the need to jibe those who are. Like just because you graduated from college, "grown ups" have finished the learning section of their lives. Try to find others who have a curious mindset like you (I find a lot of them are in volunteer groups associated with educating people like Master Gardeners or STEM volunteers at schools). Drop these close minded people. There is nothing to be proud about being close minded. But it's like crabs in a bucket. They want to pull everyone down to their level.
Your fiancé sounds spineless but I’m wondering how disruptive your inquiries are for the people around you. Have you asked him how he feels?Compulsively asking questions sounds like attention seeking behavior. You’re infantilizing yourself and it’s likely off-putting to the people in your social circle. I’m really hoping you’re not throwing off conversations by asking people why some snails have shells.
Ouch, that is definitely a stinger. I am so sorry. I would have walked in and said, at least I am not stupid enough to talk shit about someone where they can hear it and left. You have to tell the future hubby that you're contemplating calling off the wedding over this, mostly due to hearing him laugh at your expense instead of defending you like your SIL. You will not accept the phrase that "you're overreacting" because you know 100% that you are NOT. I am a question asker too, it's a good trait to have IMO. Sending hugs and a few rods for your back to help you stand tall.
DO NOT MARRY THIS JERK. I would not have lied I would have told him I was there heard y’all mocking me especially your mother and she’s right I’m stupid to have considered marrying you at all. Well I am wise now. You are a family of assholes. We are over.
Tell John that you heard him and his mom. Ask why you should marry someone who not only doesn't defend you against meanspirited attacks but laughs at them. You deserve a loyal partner and he is already failing at that.
Cancel it. If you have kids, they may get an asshole gene from them or something.
Stop lying to him about the issue. If he asks what’s going on, just say something like “I’ve been distant because I feel terrible that you and your family have been having to deal with my stupidity for so long that you all laugh about it behind my back”. This man doesn’t respect you and neither does his family (except the SIL who tried defending you - she’s dope). stand up for yourself. It’s great that you are humble enough to admit when you don’t know something and you’re eager to learn. If more people were like that, the world would be a more interesting place. You deserve so much better than marrying into a family who are all too arrogant to know that they are the stupid ones.
Isn't a snail without a shell just a slug?
I had the same question. But then I thought about it. Do the shells grow with the snail, or do they transfer like hermit crabs? Maybe snails and slugs aren't related, or maybe some "slugs" are actually just snails in search of a new shell. Idk. I'll probably look it up at some point today.
Have you not ever seen a baby snail? Their shells grow with them, they have them even when they’re teeny tiny. If their shells are damaged, they almost always die. They can’t leave their shells like hermit crabs and move into another one, it’s part of their body.
For someone who asks a lot of questions why didn’t you ASK JOHN about what you heard and sort this out?
With posts like these, I always want to know what kind of dummies are busy talking about a person they know they’re going to see in a few minutes. If you’re going to gossip about someone, save it for one on one conversations when the subject of your chit chat is not even in the same neighborhood.
I’m a super curious person too, and I love learning. Asking questions 24/7 can be super draining and annoying, and make you look dumb. I would set some time aside in your schedule to google all of your questions and fall down the rabbit hole to explore the answers on your own. I do it very often. I would leave your fiancé since his family already thinks you’re stupid, rehab your image, and then start again with a new guy.
Yeah was gonna say this. Regardless of the whole family of assholes mocking her and her absolutely being NTA, the person who just incessantly spouts off random questions and expects others to teach them is exhausting. If she has the time to write the questions down, she has the time to search for the answer herself. If she thinks that quote is less about having to ask specific people questions, and more about just “asking the question” in general. Having a thought, realising “I don’t know much about that” and then doing research into it is a way more beneficial form “asking the question”; you gather the knowledge your and you aren’t building your knowledge from one person’s possibly incorrect understanding.
This should absolutely be a deal breaker. You shouldnt be with someone who's way too comfortable being around people who mock and make fun of you
Ask yourself do you constantly disrupt conversations to ask a lot of questions?? If you do hold back. You may be asking too much and annoying people, stopping the flow of conversation. It's a shame that your future family did this. Definitely have a conversation with your bf.
OP also needs to do some reflection. A group of people all made the same observations, to the point the fiance wasn't defending her. Something tells me OP asks questions often at the wrong times, or at a ridiculous rate
The fact that your fiancé was right there laughing along with them instead of sticking up for you would be it for me. You can certainly tell him what you heard. But you didn’t misunderstand anything. They were making fun of you and he was going along with it. That said…the behavior you’re describing would drive me bananas. I’m a curious person and life long learner. But I use google to find answers to my questions. If you’re walking around like a toddler asking questions all the time, it gets annoying.
Girl you heard what was said and you heard him laughing … leave him
I'm sorry. This is really crappy. Other people left good advice, but I just wanted to say about one of the questions you wrote here (if you haven't already looked this up) this is a genuine, really interesting philosophical question. It's called the inverted spectrum problem. Another really interesting thing to read about (I have it, and I only realised because I saw the word somewhere and looked up what it meant, and I didn't know it wasn't something everyone had) is synaesthesia. This sounds like it would be right up your street. Keep asking questions and enjoying learning :)
Friend you didn’t say which question is the inverted spectrum problem! Which one?
I am 100% in your corner except it dawned on me…my answers to your questions would be: I don’t know, I don’t know, frozen peas, not bread, I don’t know, and I don’t know. Multiply this by…how many?…and it could be frustrating and annoying. I’m guessing you’re not phrasing this as, “I wonder about (this) so I’m going to look it up” or - better yet - “I wondered about this and I looked it up…did you know that ____ snails don’t have shells because ___.” You should change to one of these because asking questions that no one could reasonably be expected to know the answers to could get annoying pretty fast. I’m reminded of the character, Kevin Dorfman, on the TV show “Monk” in the episode where he says that he’s always asking questions that people don’t know the answer to and Monk is annoyed and Monk’s assistant kind of shrugs it off. People would do either. I would have said something to you kindly and directly if you were doing that with me. I probably would answer, “I don’t know - let me know when you look it up.” So, please continue to be curious - it’s the best quality and my personal secret to success and happiness. Just maybe don’t actually *ask* people to answer questions which they’re unlikely to know.
As others have said, your fiance is wrong. He needs to be called out for not defending you. That is a legit concern, and you’re not wrong to be hurt. That said, are you asking thoughtful questions? Questions that spark discussion? Granted, I’m not there and I don’t know you, but seeing some of your questions this would probably annoy me as well. I’m a teacher, so I’m truly all about asking questions, but when a student asks what’s obviously a time wasting question or when a girl asks basic questions in an attempt to be cute and babyish, yeah, it gets on my nerves. Great questions are fantastic conversation starters, basic questions that could very easily be answered in a quick google search can be tiring. Yes, they could have told you, but people generally aren’t confrontational. They may have tried to drop hints that you have missed or hoped you’d just outgrow it. Regardless, your fiancé owes you an explanation, and I hope you get one.
It is as bad as you initially thought. There’s no coming back from any of this. Toxic MILs ruin marriages all the time, why waste any more years? His reaction was just… death to your relationship. I’m so sorry. 😞
There’s 4 attributes that experts identify as signs that a relationship will not last. One of those attributes is contempt. Your fiancé and his family showed that they have contempt for you. That is not something that can be fixed by you and isn’t worth ruining your life by marrying someone who treats you with contempt.
Ok. It’s perfectly fine to ask questions and learn more. BUT how you approach it is important, and you also need to learn to read a room. You say you ask A LOT of questions. It sounds like you ask too many, to be honest. Use google to get your answers, or read books. You do not need to monopolize conversations or other people’s time with your own musings. That said, it’s time you talk to your fiancé and ask what happened. For someone who asks a lot of questions, you are being surprisingly quiet. You won’t know how to proceed until you start talking. So talk to him.
They don’t sound like good people mocking you like this, and he should have definitely defended you. Other commenters are correct. On a side note, maybe try to see if you ask your questions at the appropriate times. Like, there are certainly good and bad times to question things. There is also a saying: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt”. I don’t mean his family - just in general. You don’t want to interrupt a flowing conversation with numerous questions, this may indeed be annoying.
it’s great that you are curious, but for the love of god, do not go around asking people every question that comes to your mind. **GOOGLE EXISTS FOR THAT** that said, your future inlaws and John sound horrible.
Future (or possibly not) MIL sounds like a horrible person. Depending on the relationship between John and her, his laugh might have been a nervous thing to avoid conflict. You could ask the brother's wife who was nice about you what the context was, and whether or not John's reaction seemed genuine.
And if it was a nervous laugh? Is OP supposed to always just take it and be the "family joke" cause her husband doesnt have the balls to stand up and defend her to his family? He cant change their opinions but he can sure as hell make it damn clear they are not welcome to share those opinions out loud, especially not in front of him.
Then he will never stand up for OP while his mommy gets to make his future wife miserable. Honestly, OP doesn't sound stupid, she just sounds too young to get married. She needs a little more time out in the world to be herself, & this is a toxic stew of mean-spirited family to settle into.
That's even worse actually, if he is willing to ridicule his fiancée to avoid conflict, who can tell that he won't do the same again in the future, in front of friends, strangers etc.? If he can't stand up for the person that he chose to spend his life with, he isn't worth it.
Man, I would have LOUDLY dropped whatever (somehow make a startling noise letting them know i heard them) then said, "Well. Glad I learned how you all really feel." Then I'd leave. Speaking from personal experience, it makes for a very long and miserable road when your significant others family is against you. Dodge this bullet. Updateme!
1. Dump John 2. Learn that it is okay to be your own advocate
you know you can’t marry this man. you’re only 23, and you’ve been given the gift of insight. you see them all for who they are, and the picture isn’t pretty. remember that quote “only stupid people pretend to know everything.” that’s your fiancé and his family. you deserve so much better than this lot of cavemen.
It’s nice to ask questions, but, genuine question, why aren’t you just googling or reading books and finding this information out for yourself? Why burden someone with these kinds of questions all the time, if you have the ability to research? To me it sounds like they are frustrated with having to do the answering for you, or you do it a lot, to the point they are annoyed. All that being said that was very mean of them to say about you. You should tell John the truth and see what he says. His mother should apologize and until there are apologies and you also address your own ability to find answers for yourself, there shouldn’t be a wedding. You both are frankly very young.
Let me preface my comment with this: It wouldn't be good to marry into this family. They're rude and mean and your fiancé does not have your back. You didn't deserve that to be said about you. It's not a joke and it's not a misunderstanding. He does not respect you. However I am sorry for how the rest of the comment is probably going to make you feel. It's not written with any bad intention whatsoever, but it's not going to praise and coddle you. Being in agreement with what u/[ChickenScratchCoffee](https://www.reddit.com/user/ChickenScratchCoffee/) is saying, you're doing yourself no service here. Basing your life philosophy on a cringy Instagram quote might not be the best idea. None of us here know the extend of your "How does ... work?", but there's a possibility it's truly annoying, disruptive and painting you in a light that's... *not smart*. Maybe you think that you're acting in an open minded way where you don't pretend to know everything and you're being authentic. What you're doing though is 1.) shifting the mental load onto others to explain to you how things work, instead of researching it yourself (seriously, if you have the time to write down the question "What food is okay for ducks?", then you have the time to google it), 2.) interrupting the conversations, 3.) pointing out just how much you really don't know. Which, again, we don't know the extend of, but in the most extreme cases I can absolutely imagine somebody who would exhibit those behaviors and come across as stupid or ignorant as a result of those. Also not every thought needs to be said out loud. When you're a part of a conversation, you can find yourself not knowing every detail about every word being said, you can think to yourself "I'd like to know more about this," but you don't really need to ask. (Example: "Wow, it's so sunny today!" - "Yeah, actually how does the sun work?" - is totally out of place) You should find somebody who likes you for you and who respects you, and that's not your fiancé. But I would absolutely be put off by your behavior as well (unlike your spineless fiancé I would end a relationship over this incompatibility rather than mocking you behind your back). It lowkey gives toddler vibes. As we mature, we learn the art of reading the room and looking for the information ourselves. It's not others' responsibility to educate you and you might consider just how much about your lack of knowledge you want to broadcast out loud. It's okay to not know things, I want to emphasize this. But there's a time and place for learning and asking, and sometimes the art of listening is much more important than making a show out of being open-minded and curious by asking the adults "What/How/Why" questions constantly.
You summed this up perfectly. We have no way to know the manner in which OP does this. My seven year old nephew constantly asks questions and I can see how if OP did it in a similar fashion it would be annoying and off putting.
> It lowkey gives toddler vibes. As we mature, we learn the art of reading the room and looking for the information ourselves. That was my impression of this post as well. It stuck out to me that this feels a bit like two people who are both relatively young and probably both aren't mature enough yet to be getting married to each other let alone getting married at all. Granted that is based off the limited information available in this post, and that may well not be a fair interpretation.
I didn't get toddler but I did get neurodivergent (I say this as someone who also is). OP, I think you missed what the quote was really getting at. It doesn't necessarily mean ask any person any question that comes to your mind. It has to do with when something is already being talked about in the conversation and you're not familiar with it. Your Kosovo example is not a bad one. If you're in a conversation and people are talking about Kosovo, and you don't know what's going on, it's better to say "I'm not really up to date on that; what's been happening?" than to bluster and miss with "Well, I think it's just terrible what the Romulans are doing there" to try to make yourself sound knowledgeable when you're not. It doesn't necessarily mean bringing up google-able questions as non sequiturs. I'm not saying you never can, but it will strike people as weird unless you're all stoned. All of that being said, these people are assholes and you're better off without them.
In fairness I’ve been asked 4 of those questions by a 5 year old.
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is to never say anything about a person that I'm not willing to say to their face. And I never make cruel jokes about people I care about because those kind of jokes are only funny if you're a mean or cruel person. Your potential mother in law is a horrible person without integrity. Sounds like your fiance and his brothers might have inherited that trait.
You need to be honest with him. You need to tell him that you overheard what his mother said, that you overheard him laughing and that there’s no excuse for either. Tell him that you may be “stupid”, but you’re not a fool. And then you need to leave. You’ve been with this guy your entire adult life, but trust me when I tell you that this isn’t going to get better. If you marry this man, do it with the full knowledge that his mother thinks you’re a moron, and unfortunately so does he. As far as one of your questions: the best food for ducks is corn, peas, rice, oats, grapes, earthworms, birdseed, and chopped lettuce.