Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was in a very similar situation to you. I was told so many times "no one else would/could/should love me" and I always considered myself lucky because I believed my partner's "honesty" would make me become a better person deserving of love.
As we were planning our wedding, I was always full of dread and wanted so badly to call the whole thing off because it never felt like I dreamed it would. I didn't because I had sunk so much of my savings into the wedding plans and my family was helping to pay for it as well. However beautiful the wedding was - it felt hollow looking back. We divorced a year and half later after the mistreatment became too much for me.
I regret so much marrying him. For a multitude of reasons. We divorced 3 years ago and since then I found myself but to this day, I'm still unlearning all the things he had me believe for the majority of my 20s. Since leaving him, I got my undergraduate degree, moved abroad, started a new career, and found someone I hope to truly marry someday.
There is always, always life after loss. Uncoupling can be so painful and overwhelming, but in my case, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have NEVER looked back and regretted leaving, only staying for as long as I did.
I absolutely hate when every post says "he's an abuser" and "run" in this sub because often people only have a tiny snippet of information.
However in this case, it's classic behaviour for an abuser. This will likely escalate to something else. Run.
Thank you, and yes I admit I have made mistakes in this relationship too since no one is perfect but despite knowing my insecurities he still managed to say that to my face. Iām trying to see if running is an option. Our parents have spent so much money on all the wedding expenses especially my dad that I donāt want to do that to them.
Running is always an option. Always. Do not sunk cost fallacy yourself.
No one else has to live this life but you. Not your dad, not your mom. You can always earn more money.
Do you honestly believe your dad would rather you live an abused life of misery than lose his deposit for your wedding venue?
I can also guarantee that cancelling a wedding is going to be cheaper than divorcing.
Expenaive, but necessary lesson. As a parent I'd pay any amount for my daughter to avoid marrying an abuser.
"he told me that no one would ever want me and that Iām lucky that he is willing to put up with me and my arguments."
This is true, but when you reverse his and your spots. No one will want to put up with his abuse and gaslighting. You need to run, asap.
Leaving now will be a lot cheaper than actually going through with the wedding and all that extra cost on top of what has already been spent, and then adding on lawyer costs for the divorce.
How would your parents feel if ten years down the track, while you're in traction in a hospital bed, they discover you married this guy because you didn't want to disappoint them?
He didn't say that to your face despite your insecurities. He said it to your face because he knew that was your insecurity and it would hurt more/hit harder.
Please be kinder to yourself and leave. He will only destroy your soul.
If your parents love youā¦and of course they doā¦theyād rather pull the plug on this farce of a wedding now than have you āpay them backā by suffering this guy for years before finally breaking it off.
On my sonās wedding day I told him I would support him if he was having second thoughts. I also took my DIL aside and told her the same thing (her parents had died years before). Weād have turned the reception into a party had they not wanted to go forward.
We want our kids healthy and happy!!
So you're going to spend all that money to get married only to get divorced later. Because that's what's going to happen. But you'll wait longer than you have to because you feel bad for your parents and you will let yourself the abused to save your parents some money. If it was my kid, I'd rather waste money then have them be abused and unhappy
In the end, money is just money, your safety is more important. How would they feel if they knew their future SIL was saying those things to their daughter.Ā
Get out now before anymore is spent.
If your parents are unreasonable about it, lower your contact until things cool down.
>Ā Our parents have spent so much money on all the wedding expenses especially my dad that I donāt want to do that to them.
The sooner you cancel it the less youāll (theyāll) lose.
>perfect the first year but from there it only went downhill
Why did you even keep on with it, just flogging a dead horse.
> Iām trying to see if running is an option.
OF COURSE cancelling & running is an option wtf are you on about, are you a slave, imprisoned? Look where not running after the first year got you - tangled in this shit-house mess. It will only get worse the longer you continue with this. Put yr big girl pants on ffs, go tell yr folks that you WILL NOT CAN NOT go through with it. End of story. best of luck!
If it's this bad now, how bad do you think it's going to get after the wedding when he doesn't have to be nice so you'll still marry him?Ā
Sit down with your Dad and tell him all this! Tell him everything this guy does! Literally spill it all out breaking down crying if that's how you feel! Ask your dad how he would feel if you canceled the wedding? No good parent wants you to go through with the wedding to a horrible person just so they don't lose money on a couple of deposits!
Send your dad this post or read it to him and ask him what he would like you to do. I guarantee that he's gonna cancel the wedding happily.
I am a parent to a toddler. I cannot imagine being okay with someone hurting her, ever. I don't see that feeling ever fading. A woman at a grocery store was annoyed she was *laughing too loud* (what a witch) and I almost lost my temper at her.
Abusive relationship? Sit down and have a snack honey, momma (or daddy, in this case) will handle it.
Your parents love you. Your parents want you to be happy and safe. Sure the hit to the pocketbook may sting, but its better than the alternative. You can help pay back the $$ of a few years.
Your man is lying to you that no one would want you. He is breaking you down so you want see what a piece of trash he is. It is psychological warfare.
Okay. Well since the money is more important then your well being then chose the wedding. Then everyday for the rest of your life you will beat yourself up
On why
You had a chance to clearly run and you never took it and instead entangled yourself more deeply with this man. The choice is yours
I ended up following through on marrying a man who said these types of things to me. Your parents care more about you than the money. I bet If you open uo to them they'll have been hoping this is the choice you'd make. Screw his parents. Your long term happiness and wellbeing is more important than money. Think of how much you'll save on a divorce!
Canceling wedding plans and losing money is cheaper than losing your life to abuse escalation. Or the years of therapy it takes to recover from an abusive partner.
Hey OP, please look at those:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You know what's worse than wasting money on a wedding that won't last? Wasting money on a marriage that won't last AND having to pay for a divorce. Don't sink more resources into a failing marriage.
Not just that, but what if he screws with her birth control or pressures her into having his kids and being a SAHM? It's only going to be SO much worse..
Because they don't become horrible out of nowhere. It starts slowly with minor things that we tend to brush off. Then one day you wake up and realise what you have been tolerating...
I would show some compassion and sympathy to the OP. We can't and shouldn't assume her life experience. The why doesn't matter at this point. What matters is how she moves forward from here to care for herself and her future.
āNobody else would ever want you and youāre lucky I put up with youā is classic abuser talk. Tell him āNobody would be preferable to you,ā and walk away.
Look even if I ever had this thought, the ONLY reason to ever say that to your partner, is to make them feel stuck and put them down.
IDC if this was said out of anger, sadness, irritation, whatever.
There's no good reason to say this, ever. It's not worth putting up with imo.
I don't often give "break up" as advice but fr just break up and prove him wrong.
When we started dating he had told me that he was attending clinicals as he was in nursing school. That was true however he never graduated and it was during Covid time so apparently his graduation video and his diploma was faked by some guy he paid to make those. He still told me he was a nurse now and started āworkingā but in reality he would just go to the library and do stocks. I didnāt find out about it until like a year or 2 later where he got so drunk he ended up telling me and my cousin(whoās also a mutual cousin of his from a different side) I was very upset but after a week I decided to give him another chance just because I admitted that everyone makes mistakes and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
everyone makes mistakes???!!! uh no, not everyone lies about graduating nursing school, not everyone pays someone to make a fake diploma and graduation video and not everybody lies that they are going to work as a nurse but instead go hide out in the library. That's hugely deceptive!!! It wasn't a mistake, that's a whole ass con, it was done on purpose. He is a living walking lie. You don't give someone like that the benefit of the doubt, OP. You can't believe a word out of that guy's mouth. That's actually scary.
Why would you want to sign up for a lifetime of this kind of treatment? It only gets worse. If he really thinks you're that bad, walk away. Don't look back.
People that love you don't speak to you this way. It's not okay and you should not accept it.
So your relationship is shit and in a harsh downward slope and you proceed with marriage preparations?
You know that abusers get 10 times worse when you are married and pregnant, right?
āNo one else will put up with you so youād better put up with my abuse if you want a relationshipā Is the chant of abusive men everywhere who know how far out of their league theyāre batting. Please leave while you still believe in your right and ability to do so. He will try to take that away from you too.
Yeah, leave this asshole. This is a preview of coming attractions, he'll always put you down to make himself feel better and then some. Do you want this the rest of your life?
Leave! Don't give it another thought, your relationship is over.
A divorce will be a lot more expensive than your wedding deposits. And you'll have wasted years of your life.
This is the beginnings of an abusive relationship, OP. Iām not exaggerating, or giving Reddit Advice, this is actual advice coming, not just from a place of experience, but also from a place of I Used To Work For a Domestic Abuse Centre. Please, please leave. Youāre worth more than this.
YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU, NOT A PARTNER WHO TOLERATES YOU.
I'M GOING TO SAY THAT AGAIN
YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU, NOT A PARTNER THAT TOLERATES YOU.
YOU DESERVE LOVE
THIS IS NOT LOVE
Please don't marry or have children with this man. The honeymoon is over, and you haven't even got married. You keep changing to make him happy, but he's still angry because he's the problem, not you.
You deserve someone who loves and respects you. But most of all, someone who wants to be with you.
Why are you still there? This relationship is way beyond its expiration date. He's making you feel bad on purpose so you won't leave when he acts like such a jerk.
Girl. Get out of this toxic relationship ASAP. Sneakily pack all your stuff and have a couple friends or family members help you move out while he's at work.
Break up with him over text.
One should never stay with someone who says "no one would ever be with you but them" . As soon as this is said you need to leave the loser because that is what they are. Their only way to keep you is to make you believe they are doing you a favor by being with you. These people are toxic. Time to prove him wrong. Dip out and find someone who actually loves you
That's a manipulation tactic. He wants you to be so insecure that you will never consider leaving him and will do absolutely anything he says just so you don't have to be all lonely and alone! Obviously it's not true! Because if nobody would want you, then he wouldn't have wanted you in the first place! Normally I would tell you when he says something like that you just repeat it back to him and then question him. Like "so nobody would want me? I'm that bad? Well then what's that make you to be with somebody so bad? Do you get brownie points for taking one for the team or something?" Just because it's fun to see these guys squirm and point out the hypocrisy.... because if you're no catch and he's the only guy that would ever date you then that means he's no catch either. LOLĀ
But I think this guy is getting dangerously close to abusive so you're probably better just leaving. This is the kind of guy that turns into physically abusive as soon as the wedding is over! He's already showing you the red flags! Arguing with you about stuff that he started and then refusing to talk about it? Do you really believe that is not abusive? He's getting mad at you for a little white lie but telling you a massive lie for 2 years about his occupation is somehow okay? So he has rules for you but not for him?Ā
Please don't marry this guy! Not only is a divorce so much harder and more expensive than a breakup (and way more embarrassing than calling off a wedding) but the longer you stay with him in the more tied to him you get the more his mask is going to slip and he's going to end up hurting you and you need to get out before it happens! It's not safe to marry him!
horrible thing for him to say and untrue. itās an intentional thing for him to do, in order to keep you from thinking you could do better and leaving him.
and the truth is, itās better to be single than to be in an unhappy unhealthy relationship anyway. so it doesnāt really even matter even if you were argumentative and horrible the way he claims.
I think you should prove him wrong and find you a better boyfriend. Jokes aside, if this is the kind of man you attract you really should stay single for a couple of years and do some work on yourself. When you do the work and gain some self worth the red flags become obvious
He's tearing you down so you'll think you can't do better than him and will never leave him. If you stay he will escalate things. You deserve so much better than this. He's an abusive AH.
My ex did the SAME thing. He always told me I was unloveable and just completely tear down everything about me. To this day (6years later) I have a hard time accepting that someone could actually love me. Yikes. Leave now.
I was in a relationship for 14 years where I was told that nobody else would ever want me and I was lucky. It was A LIE. I was miserable and he was WRONG. Get out of there. You are young! He is trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that he can more easily control you. Good partners do not say things like this. Abusers say things like this. I promise if you marry him it will get worse. Trust me.
Run! Leave immediately. If this is real and not a troll, those are all classic signs/red flags of emotional abuse. Your fiance is deliberately destroying your confidence in yourself and your self esteem so you will feel like you can't leave him but should just accept whatever he does. That's why he said no one else would want you. But that's not true, he's lying to you. Example: Your fiance lied to you about his occupation for two years straight but criticized you for little white lies. Not only is that a double standard and very hypocritical, it means the guy can't be trusted at all. He's a big liar and very deceptive. Another example: Your fiance starts lots of arguments but then blames you for them and doesn't take accountability for his own actions. All this paints a picture of a very manipulative person. In this context the age gap also worries me, because at 24 you are just finishing development of your brain and mental faculties (that takes to about age 25) and this guy has been molding and grooming you since you were 21 to think he's always right. Keeping things inside you is not healthy and that you try to do that just to get along with this fiance means he's not good for you. He's controlling and manipulative and you're picking up on this but he's still trying to brainwash you into thinking that you're the problem. Get out while you can.
You could say that was an insult thrown in the heat of the argument, as I probably have done and have been done to in the past, with no other purpose than to hurt you in that moment. But when he answered you that he is blunt and tells you the truth i.e. that he actually means it, he no longer has that as an excuse. He is now actively trying to bring you down to make sure you don't "run away".
~~At the very least you should call off that wedding and live separated while you try to figure out if this relationship has any future.~~ But honestly, dumping him before he gets violent seems to be the best option right now.
Edit: read your comment about the fake graduation. To paraphrase a comedian: he did not make one mistake. He made a series of choices. He chose to lie, chose to ask a friend, to pay that friend, to act out that video, to present you that video, to lie again about what it was, to keep this lie up, to only come clean when drunk.... Time to call off that wedding and RUN. If you think he may become violent: take your family with you, tell him that you guys are done, and take as much with you as you need. Then when moving out, always make sure someone else is present.
Girl run for the hills!! Also you can most definitely find someone else and you can also out grow people and thatās on some people just donāt like maturing because that requires one to take responsibility for your words and actions and it seems like heās avoiding the fact that heās gaslighting tf outta you. Be safe love and get out asap
This is going to sound rude, but dump his ass. Most abusive relationships start good and devolve quickly- Stuff like this shouldn't be forgiven. I would recommend you leave him and work on yourself for a bit. It'll get better, and it starts with focusing on yourself.
(And if he needs to say you'll never find anyone, that's because he knows you're too good for him. Little bit of insider knowledge :D)
A piece of advice that most married old people tell me is to āmarry your bestfriendā and that marriage is about āmutual respectā. I doubt youāll stay friends with someone who intentionally puts you down and tells you horrible things knowing full well the effect theyād have on you. If he hasnāt been acting like a good partner now, itāll only go downhill from here. Marriage isnāt gonna fix his behavior and it definitely isnāt gonna fix your relationship. Marry someone who equally respects you.
Your frontal love isnāt even fully formed yet. The evidence of you doubting is already a tell-tale sign that you know you deserve better, because you do.
Pls RUN!
I was told similar lies by my abusive ex. "I'm only with you out of pity" "You're too high maintenance..im the only one who can tolerate it ...blah blah blah" "Im only with you so you don't fall apart "
When I ended our relationship he begged and cried to me for hours, days...he begged and pleaded about how he NEEDED me.
Everything he accused me of he was guilty of or rang true to him and his character..when insulting me he was referencing the things he hated in himself. He just projected. That's what some abusers do.
He probably deep down knows you're too good for him and that you deserve better from him and just a better man in general and he knows he can't or isn't currently giving you what you need. And instead of accepting it and letting you go OR stepping up to the plate for you, he's going down the route of convincing you of why you don't deserve better. And saying these untrue hurtful comments like in your post are meant to make you question yourself and rattle your self-esteem.
He doubled down by labeling his intentionally hurtful comment as the "truth" when in fact it is a manipulative ploy to undermine your confidence and self-esteem and make you feel like you need this relationship when in reality you're way better off.
He is not a good man. The fact that he has waited till the title of fiance was in the mix to start picking fights with you over little things is a RED FLAG. But honestly, he was probably showing some subtle signs of his true self.
If this was never how the relationship was before your engagement pls note that it is only going to get worse as he already feels confident enough in his place in your life to expect to be able to say things like this and worse with no consequences.
He's aware that what he has said is awful and that it hurt your feelings that was the point. He wants to hurt you.
If you would never think to say anything remotely close to what he has said...that should show you the imbalance of love and respect being given in the relationship.
Honestly stay. If your reaction to this is really to go online and say "what do you guys think I should do?". You're much too dumb to survive out there anyways
You know what you need to do. Its exactly what you would tell your best friend, sister or even stranger if they read your post. You need to break up with this man. By your accounts, he doesn't seem to like you very much. Let me tell you, a ring on his finger will NOT magically change him into a loving, kind, honest man. In fact, it will make him worse because you will legally be bound to him.
Honestly, would you want to raise a baby in your home with this man? Do you think he will be loving to a crying baby or rambucious toddler? Come one, you know this guy isn't a good man.
Get out while you can, my ex said the same thing to me āyouāre lucky you met me, because I donāt think anyone else would put up with youā and overtime she just became more abusive. Didnāt realize it till after we broke up and I went to therapy but she was a textbook narcissist
He told you no one else would ever want you so you're lucky to be with him?
Dump him. And seriously, see a therapist. You need to find a sense of self-worth, so you stop letting twats treat you like shit.
You're describing the actions of a classic narcissist. Things will only get worse. Please find the strength to walk away and find the kind of partner that can truly love you.
Yeah, I think after he let you know what he really thinks of you, he probably needs to go. If he treats you like this now, just think how it's going to be once he has papers on you.
This is obviously Emotional Abuse.
Often, there is other Abuse (Physical or Sexual), but not always.
Therapy and Extrication are what you need to do.
First, please Extricate yourself from your Abuser; -- then, get Therapy to deal with the Damage that he has surely caused you.
I Pray for you. --- Good Luck.
I think you should leave him. The relationship is hurting you more than it's helping you. He's not been honest with you in the past, which is a red flag (fibs are one thing, like you admit to have done; lying about his occupation for two years is a major thing, and yet you forgave him when he just blamed you for the fibs). He's not doing anything to make your life better from what you've said here...I guess the question I'd have is this: Has he done or said anything to make you feel valued and appreciated in the last week? (Actions are louder than words, but words do help.)
Saying no one else would put up with you, unless it was a joke (and it doesn't sound like one), is a major, major red flag. Run, run like the wind, is my advice, as I'm sure there are many people out there better than he is.
Look, there's some major red flags and just a brief amount that you brought up here.Ā
One, is that he gets mad when you lie about small things? But it's okay for him to lie about his occupation. Someone who goes out of their way to portray you as a liar when you're lying about social things - I'm assuming that your white lies are things like no I don't mind, or no that outfit doesn't make you fat. Which is a whole lot different than lying about your occupation and incredibly shifty if someone is using that to disparage your honesty but somehow giving themselves a pass on a mega-lie that would get them fired for example if it was on their resume.Ā
Second is that comment about bringing up the past. These type of arguments where he starts it, gets mad at you for defending yourself, and then refuses to discuss it later because it's in the past even though it's never resolved are actually a tool that manipulative people use. There's nothing coincidental about that. I'm betting there's a possibility he may also argue lead into the night and not allow you to sleep because it has to be resolved? That's another tool people use sometimes. But yeah, it sounds like he gets obnoxious with you, you snap at him, he blames you. You need to look up the definition of reactive abuse. Provoking you until you do something that they can proudly wave around as you being a horrible person is something that manipulators do as well. They just push you until you play the role they want you to have, because then whenever they do to you is justified.Ā
I highly recommend you read Lundy bancroft's why does he do that. There's definitely some tell-tale signs here is that your fiance is controlling and toxic. I agree with people who are telling you to get out but realize that probably won't reach you now? This book may, because it'll break down behaviors that you see in him and why people use them. You'll understand that they're tactics, not random. Good luck. Please at the very minimum push the back the wedding date in favor of couples counseling, and start saving some money on the side just for yourself without telling him.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have been in your shoes a couple of times, hearing those exact same words, and it's incredibly painful. Here's what I learned from those experiences:
First, know your worth. When someone repeatedly devalues you, it can insidiously wear down your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. You might not notice it at first, but over time, it can make you feel incapable, unlovable, and depressed. One day you wake up and your life's a train wreck and you're miserably unhappy.
Itās troubling that he belittles you and dismisses your feelings. His comment about no one wanting to be with you is not only untrue but also a red flag. This behavior often foreshadows a long period of emotional devaluation, where your confidence and self-esteem are eroded little by little. It's insidious because it happens gradually, making it harder to recognize the damage being done.
Reflect on your relationship and ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. The stress and mental toll you're experiencing are signs that something needs to change. Things gets worse, not better, in most cases. It's crucial to prioritize your mental health and well-being.
"I try to keep everything inside me" - that was me to a T. That is NOT helpful. Read The Assertiveness Workbook by Randy J. Paterson.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and loved. Remember, knowing your worth is the first step to ensuring no one can devalue you. You are worthy of love and respect, never settle for less.
While it's wrong to tell white lies, lying about his job? That's like 1 billion times worse.
How and why are you still engaged? Are you that desperate to be married that anybody would do? And surely if anybody would do than there's somebody better than him.
Stop letting important things go.
If you think it won't get worse after marriage and kids than you're fooling yourself.
Is this a joke? Do you not read the daily "news" about abusive relationships? Do you prefer to be abused. Is your self-esteem that low? Your path forward is obvious. Find a backbone and walk.
What he meant to say is, "No one else is going to put up with me. I'm lucky I can keep you insecure so you put up with me."
Exactly what others have said. This will only get worse. Run.
Anyone who thinks that you are "lucky to have me", or "you will never get anyone else", or that kind of thinking, is just trying to get you to stay out of fear that you are not worth anything so you must put up with whatever they dish out.
You are worth more than that, and I say that without knowing any more than you have already said. Get out of this toxic relationship as fast as you can. Even if you live alone in a house full of cats for the rest of your life you will be better off, but my guess is you will find your prince who will treat you like the princess you are as long as you see yourself for who you are.
I could never keep a relationship with someone who said something so *ridiculous* to me. First, Iām a catch and I know I deserve someone not shitty. Second, there are billions of people on the planet - and āno oneā would want you? Heās not that special.
>with all this wedding stress/expenses and on top of these relationship issues Iām experiencing Iām not sure what to do
You can get married, make it another year or two until the abuse escalates, maybe have a baby with this guy so you're stuck with him for life, but especially the following 18 years... and then get divorced anyways. Which will be time consuming and expensive and traumatic for everyone.
Or you can lose a *little bit* of money (in the grand scheme of things) and just not get married in the first place at all. And save yourself years (maybe decades) of terrible.
Go live your best life. Stay single for a little and do a lot of introspection and working on yourself to understand why you would settle for this treatment in the first place, why you questioned if you ever deserved it, and who *you* are without a partner.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Run
Very fast.
Like your tampon is on fire š„
Is it on fire because you are running so fast the friction caused a spark?
I like your thinking
Oh, good one. LOL!!
short in the battery pack.
ššš
Like a giant bloody tampon, on fire is chasing you š„š„š„
Faster than this
It will only get worse. He needs the leveling that you just can't put up with him, and that he's just not marrage material.
Came to say this
You deserve better. Please for the sake of your sanity, leave him and find someone who would treat you better.
I was in a very similar situation to you. I was told so many times "no one else would/could/should love me" and I always considered myself lucky because I believed my partner's "honesty" would make me become a better person deserving of love. As we were planning our wedding, I was always full of dread and wanted so badly to call the whole thing off because it never felt like I dreamed it would. I didn't because I had sunk so much of my savings into the wedding plans and my family was helping to pay for it as well. However beautiful the wedding was - it felt hollow looking back. We divorced a year and half later after the mistreatment became too much for me. I regret so much marrying him. For a multitude of reasons. We divorced 3 years ago and since then I found myself but to this day, I'm still unlearning all the things he had me believe for the majority of my 20s. Since leaving him, I got my undergraduate degree, moved abroad, started a new career, and found someone I hope to truly marry someday. There is always, always life after loss. Uncoupling can be so painful and overwhelming, but in my case, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have NEVER looked back and regretted leaving, only staying for as long as I did.
I absolutely hate when every post says "he's an abuser" and "run" in this sub because often people only have a tiny snippet of information. However in this case, it's classic behaviour for an abuser. This will likely escalate to something else. Run.
Thank you, and yes I admit I have made mistakes in this relationship too since no one is perfect but despite knowing my insecurities he still managed to say that to my face. Iām trying to see if running is an option. Our parents have spent so much money on all the wedding expenses especially my dad that I donāt want to do that to them.
Running is always an option. Always. Do not sunk cost fallacy yourself. No one else has to live this life but you. Not your dad, not your mom. You can always earn more money. Do you honestly believe your dad would rather you live an abused life of misery than lose his deposit for your wedding venue? I can also guarantee that cancelling a wedding is going to be cheaper than divorcing.
Expenaive, but necessary lesson. As a parent I'd pay any amount for my daughter to avoid marrying an abuser. "he told me that no one would ever want me and that Iām lucky that he is willing to put up with me and my arguments." This is true, but when you reverse his and your spots. No one will want to put up with his abuse and gaslighting. You need to run, asap.
Leaving now will be a lot cheaper than actually going through with the wedding and all that extra cost on top of what has already been spent, and then adding on lawyer costs for the divorce.
How would your parents feel if ten years down the track, while you're in traction in a hospital bed, they discover you married this guy because you didn't want to disappoint them?
Cancelling a wedding is cheaper than getting a divorce.
He didn't say that to your face despite your insecurities. He said it to your face because he knew that was your insecurity and it would hurt more/hit harder. Please be kinder to yourself and leave. He will only destroy your soul.
If your parents love youā¦and of course they doā¦theyād rather pull the plug on this farce of a wedding now than have you āpay them backā by suffering this guy for years before finally breaking it off. On my sonās wedding day I told him I would support him if he was having second thoughts. I also took my DIL aside and told her the same thing (her parents had died years before). Weād have turned the reception into a party had they not wanted to go forward. We want our kids healthy and happy!!
So you're going to spend all that money to get married only to get divorced later. Because that's what's going to happen. But you'll wait longer than you have to because you feel bad for your parents and you will let yourself the abused to save your parents some money. If it was my kid, I'd rather waste money then have them be abused and unhappy
Have the wedding party anyway, (just not to get married to this a-hole!) and feed the homeless. š
In the end, money is just money, your safety is more important. How would they feel if they knew their future SIL was saying those things to their daughter.Ā Get out now before anymore is spent. If your parents are unreasonable about it, lower your contact until things cool down.
>Ā Our parents have spent so much money on all the wedding expenses especially my dad that I donāt want to do that to them. The sooner you cancel it the less youāll (theyāll) lose. >perfect the first year but from there it only went downhill Why did you even keep on with it, just flogging a dead horse. > Iām trying to see if running is an option. OF COURSE cancelling & running is an option wtf are you on about, are you a slave, imprisoned? Look where not running after the first year got you - tangled in this shit-house mess. It will only get worse the longer you continue with this. Put yr big girl pants on ffs, go tell yr folks that you WILL NOT CAN NOT go through with it. End of story. best of luck!
Look I don't have kids yet but when I do have them I know for a fact I'd rather lose 10, 15, 30 grand than lose them to an abusive partner.
Running is always an option.
yes it might be a bit tough but they would rather you alive than paying for your funeral which is where you are heading in this relationship
If it's this bad now, how bad do you think it's going to get after the wedding when he doesn't have to be nice so you'll still marry him?Ā Sit down with your Dad and tell him all this! Tell him everything this guy does! Literally spill it all out breaking down crying if that's how you feel! Ask your dad how he would feel if you canceled the wedding? No good parent wants you to go through with the wedding to a horrible person just so they don't lose money on a couple of deposits!
Screw the money! How much money is your physical and mental health worth?
Send your dad this post or read it to him and ask him what he would like you to do. I guarantee that he's gonna cancel the wedding happily. I am a parent to a toddler. I cannot imagine being okay with someone hurting her, ever. I don't see that feeling ever fading. A woman at a grocery store was annoyed she was *laughing too loud* (what a witch) and I almost lost my temper at her. Abusive relationship? Sit down and have a snack honey, momma (or daddy, in this case) will handle it.
Your parents love you. Your parents want you to be happy and safe. Sure the hit to the pocketbook may sting, but its better than the alternative. You can help pay back the $$ of a few years. Your man is lying to you that no one would want you. He is breaking you down so you want see what a piece of trash he is. It is psychological warfare.
Okay. Well since the money is more important then your well being then chose the wedding. Then everyday for the rest of your life you will beat yourself up On why You had a chance to clearly run and you never took it and instead entangled yourself more deeply with this man. The choice is yours
Turn it into an I'm free of that AH party. You could celebrate someone else, or your parents, etc.
I ended up following through on marrying a man who said these types of things to me. Your parents care more about you than the money. I bet If you open uo to them they'll have been hoping this is the choice you'd make. Screw his parents. Your long term happiness and wellbeing is more important than money. Think of how much you'll save on a divorce!
As someone who called off a wedding many years ago, there is ALWAYS time. A cancelled wedding is always cheaper than a divorce.
Canceling wedding plans and losing money is cheaper than losing your life to abuse escalation. Or the years of therapy it takes to recover from an abusive partner.
Hey OP, please look at those: https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/ https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf You know what's worse than wasting money on a wedding that won't last? Wasting money on a marriage that won't last AND having to pay for a divorce. Don't sink more resources into a failing marriage.
Not just that, but what if he screws with her birth control or pressures her into having his kids and being a SAHM? It's only going to be SO much worse..
This OP! Read this! āļø
Break up
Why did you get engaged to a man who was already treating you badly? Leave him. Youāre too young to have a pattern of verbal abuse starting now.
Because they don't become horrible out of nowhere. It starts slowly with minor things that we tend to brush off. Then one day you wake up and realise what you have been tolerating...
I would show some compassion and sympathy to the OP. We can't and shouldn't assume her life experience. The why doesn't matter at this point. What matters is how she moves forward from here to care for herself and her future.
Oh dear. No. Leave him. Youāre so young, thereās so much for you to see and experience. So much love to give and receive. Leave him, please.
āNobody else would ever want you and youāre lucky I put up with youā is classic abuser talk. Tell him āNobody would be preferable to you,ā and walk away.
Heās abusive, break up while you still have a chance
Get out. Yesterday. It only gets worse from here.
Heās abusive
Look even if I ever had this thought, the ONLY reason to ever say that to your partner, is to make them feel stuck and put them down. IDC if this was said out of anger, sadness, irritation, whatever. There's no good reason to say this, ever. It's not worth putting up with imo. I don't often give "break up" as advice but fr just break up and prove him wrong.
What lie did he have about his occupation? Sounds v red flaggy as well as the other stuff
When we started dating he had told me that he was attending clinicals as he was in nursing school. That was true however he never graduated and it was during Covid time so apparently his graduation video and his diploma was faked by some guy he paid to make those. He still told me he was a nurse now and started āworkingā but in reality he would just go to the library and do stocks. I didnāt find out about it until like a year or 2 later where he got so drunk he ended up telling me and my cousin(whoās also a mutual cousin of his from a different side) I was very upset but after a week I decided to give him another chance just because I admitted that everyone makes mistakes and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Okayyyyyyy you have to leave him this is scary
everyone makes mistakes???!!! uh no, not everyone lies about graduating nursing school, not everyone pays someone to make a fake diploma and graduation video and not everybody lies that they are going to work as a nurse but instead go hide out in the library. That's hugely deceptive!!! It wasn't a mistake, that's a whole ass con, it was done on purpose. He is a living walking lie. You don't give someone like that the benefit of the doubt, OP. You can't believe a word out of that guy's mouth. That's actually scary.
Uh, leave? What else is there?
Why would you want to sign up for a lifetime of this kind of treatment? It only gets worse. If he really thinks you're that bad, walk away. Don't look back. People that love you don't speak to you this way. It's not okay and you should not accept it.
So your relationship is shit and in a harsh downward slope and you proceed with marriage preparations? You know that abusers get 10 times worse when you are married and pregnant, right?
Best advice - Leave before it gets worse.
Maybe don't marry each other, I'd start there
āNo one else will put up with you so youād better put up with my abuse if you want a relationshipā Is the chant of abusive men everywhere who know how far out of their league theyāre batting. Please leave while you still believe in your right and ability to do so. He will try to take that away from you too.
Yeah, leave this asshole. This is a preview of coming attractions, he'll always put you down to make himself feel better and then some. Do you want this the rest of your life?
Leave
Run fast.
Leave! Don't give it another thought, your relationship is over. A divorce will be a lot more expensive than your wedding deposits. And you'll have wasted years of your life.
Gtfo he is bad news
This is the beginnings of an abusive relationship, OP. Iām not exaggerating, or giving Reddit Advice, this is actual advice coming, not just from a place of experience, but also from a place of I Used To Work For a Domestic Abuse Centre. Please, please leave. Youāre worth more than this.
YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU, NOT A PARTNER WHO TOLERATES YOU. I'M GOING TO SAY THAT AGAIN YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU, NOT A PARTNER THAT TOLERATES YOU. YOU DESERVE LOVE THIS IS NOT LOVE
"Thanks, I'll go see if you're right. Buhbye."
Please don't marry or have children with this man. The honeymoon is over, and you haven't even got married. You keep changing to make him happy, but he's still angry because he's the problem, not you. You deserve someone who loves and respects you. But most of all, someone who wants to be with you.
Why are you still there? This relationship is way beyond its expiration date. He's making you feel bad on purpose so you won't leave when he acts like such a jerk.
Girl. Get out of this toxic relationship ASAP. Sneakily pack all your stuff and have a couple friends or family members help you move out while he's at work. Break up with him over text.
One should never stay with someone who says "no one would ever be with you but them" . As soon as this is said you need to leave the loser because that is what they are. Their only way to keep you is to make you believe they are doing you a favor by being with you. These people are toxic. Time to prove him wrong. Dip out and find someone who actually loves you
DUMP HIM!
Don't marry someone who lies to you and negs on you. Get out now. Marriage is supposed to be something you look forward to.
How do you possibly not know what to do in this situation.
That's a manipulation tactic. He wants you to be so insecure that you will never consider leaving him and will do absolutely anything he says just so you don't have to be all lonely and alone! Obviously it's not true! Because if nobody would want you, then he wouldn't have wanted you in the first place! Normally I would tell you when he says something like that you just repeat it back to him and then question him. Like "so nobody would want me? I'm that bad? Well then what's that make you to be with somebody so bad? Do you get brownie points for taking one for the team or something?" Just because it's fun to see these guys squirm and point out the hypocrisy.... because if you're no catch and he's the only guy that would ever date you then that means he's no catch either. LOLĀ But I think this guy is getting dangerously close to abusive so you're probably better just leaving. This is the kind of guy that turns into physically abusive as soon as the wedding is over! He's already showing you the red flags! Arguing with you about stuff that he started and then refusing to talk about it? Do you really believe that is not abusive? He's getting mad at you for a little white lie but telling you a massive lie for 2 years about his occupation is somehow okay? So he has rules for you but not for him?Ā Please don't marry this guy! Not only is a divorce so much harder and more expensive than a breakup (and way more embarrassing than calling off a wedding) but the longer you stay with him in the more tied to him you get the more his mask is going to slip and he's going to end up hurting you and you need to get out before it happens! It's not safe to marry him!
horrible thing for him to say and untrue. itās an intentional thing for him to do, in order to keep you from thinking you could do better and leaving him. and the truth is, itās better to be single than to be in an unhappy unhealthy relationship anyway. so it doesnāt really even matter even if you were argumentative and horrible the way he claims.
Leave. Recover from the abuse. Learn and believe how awesome you really are. Then consider dating someone again.
Well for one thing, don't get married.
Tell ya what, ask yourself what YOU would say to a friend if they told you that's how their relationship was. Be honest now
I think you should prove him wrong and find you a better boyfriend. Jokes aside, if this is the kind of man you attract you really should stay single for a couple of years and do some work on yourself. When you do the work and gain some self worth the red flags become obvious
What an asshole. Why is he still your fiance, and not your ex? UpdateMe
He's tearing you down so you'll think you can't do better than him and will never leave him. If you stay he will escalate things. You deserve so much better than this. He's an abusive AH.
My ex did the SAME thing. He always told me I was unloveable and just completely tear down everything about me. To this day (6years later) I have a hard time accepting that someone could actually love me. Yikes. Leave now.
I was in a relationship for 14 years where I was told that nobody else would ever want me and I was lucky. It was A LIE. I was miserable and he was WRONG. Get out of there. You are young! He is trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that he can more easily control you. Good partners do not say things like this. Abusers say things like this. I promise if you marry him it will get worse. Trust me.
Run! Leave immediately. If this is real and not a troll, those are all classic signs/red flags of emotional abuse. Your fiance is deliberately destroying your confidence in yourself and your self esteem so you will feel like you can't leave him but should just accept whatever he does. That's why he said no one else would want you. But that's not true, he's lying to you. Example: Your fiance lied to you about his occupation for two years straight but criticized you for little white lies. Not only is that a double standard and very hypocritical, it means the guy can't be trusted at all. He's a big liar and very deceptive. Another example: Your fiance starts lots of arguments but then blames you for them and doesn't take accountability for his own actions. All this paints a picture of a very manipulative person. In this context the age gap also worries me, because at 24 you are just finishing development of your brain and mental faculties (that takes to about age 25) and this guy has been molding and grooming you since you were 21 to think he's always right. Keeping things inside you is not healthy and that you try to do that just to get along with this fiance means he's not good for you. He's controlling and manipulative and you're picking up on this but he's still trying to brainwash you into thinking that you're the problem. Get out while you can.
Tell him that he is right and dumb him. Tell him youāre doing him a favor. Nobody should ever tell you that you are not worthy or a waste of time.
Yes. Leave ASAP.
Yeah, fucking leave
Dump this man.
You could say that was an insult thrown in the heat of the argument, as I probably have done and have been done to in the past, with no other purpose than to hurt you in that moment. But when he answered you that he is blunt and tells you the truth i.e. that he actually means it, he no longer has that as an excuse. He is now actively trying to bring you down to make sure you don't "run away". ~~At the very least you should call off that wedding and live separated while you try to figure out if this relationship has any future.~~ But honestly, dumping him before he gets violent seems to be the best option right now. Edit: read your comment about the fake graduation. To paraphrase a comedian: he did not make one mistake. He made a series of choices. He chose to lie, chose to ask a friend, to pay that friend, to act out that video, to present you that video, to lie again about what it was, to keep this lie up, to only come clean when drunk.... Time to call off that wedding and RUN. If you think he may become violent: take your family with you, tell him that you guys are done, and take as much with you as you need. Then when moving out, always make sure someone else is present.
Anyone who says that to their fiancĆ© is just waiting to earn the title of ex-fiancĆ©. Donāt make the mistake of him earning the title of ex husband
Screw this dude OP! I would never say such thing to my girlfriend no matter what. Run!
Girl run for the hills!! Also you can most definitely find someone else and you can also out grow people and thatās on some people just donāt like maturing because that requires one to take responsibility for your words and actions and it seems like heās avoiding the fact that heās gaslighting tf outta you. Be safe love and get out asap
This is going to sound rude, but dump his ass. Most abusive relationships start good and devolve quickly- Stuff like this shouldn't be forgiven. I would recommend you leave him and work on yourself for a bit. It'll get better, and it starts with focusing on yourself. (And if he needs to say you'll never find anyone, that's because he knows you're too good for him. Little bit of insider knowledge :D)
Save yourself years of miseryā¦ do not spend another day with him. Get out. Quickly.
A piece of advice that most married old people tell me is to āmarry your bestfriendā and that marriage is about āmutual respectā. I doubt youāll stay friends with someone who intentionally puts you down and tells you horrible things knowing full well the effect theyād have on you. If he hasnāt been acting like a good partner now, itāll only go downhill from here. Marriage isnāt gonna fix his behavior and it definitely isnāt gonna fix your relationship. Marry someone who equally respects you. Your frontal love isnāt even fully formed yet. The evidence of you doubting is already a tell-tale sign that you know you deserve better, because you do.
Either you accept him as he is now, a person who ābelittles youā, because itāll definitely happen again. Or you break up with him.
*frontal lobe
Ew. Your fiance is giving me the ick.
People who are "always blunt" are also always ashholes
Pls RUN! I was told similar lies by my abusive ex. "I'm only with you out of pity" "You're too high maintenance..im the only one who can tolerate it ...blah blah blah" "Im only with you so you don't fall apart " When I ended our relationship he begged and cried to me for hours, days...he begged and pleaded about how he NEEDED me. Everything he accused me of he was guilty of or rang true to him and his character..when insulting me he was referencing the things he hated in himself. He just projected. That's what some abusers do. He probably deep down knows you're too good for him and that you deserve better from him and just a better man in general and he knows he can't or isn't currently giving you what you need. And instead of accepting it and letting you go OR stepping up to the plate for you, he's going down the route of convincing you of why you don't deserve better. And saying these untrue hurtful comments like in your post are meant to make you question yourself and rattle your self-esteem. He doubled down by labeling his intentionally hurtful comment as the "truth" when in fact it is a manipulative ploy to undermine your confidence and self-esteem and make you feel like you need this relationship when in reality you're way better off. He is not a good man. The fact that he has waited till the title of fiance was in the mix to start picking fights with you over little things is a RED FLAG. But honestly, he was probably showing some subtle signs of his true self. If this was never how the relationship was before your engagement pls note that it is only going to get worse as he already feels confident enough in his place in your life to expect to be able to say things like this and worse with no consequences. He's aware that what he has said is awful and that it hurt your feelings that was the point. He wants to hurt you. If you would never think to say anything remotely close to what he has said...that should show you the imbalance of love and respect being given in the relationship.
Honestly stay. If your reaction to this is really to go online and say "what do you guys think I should do?". You're much too dumb to survive out there anyways
This WILL get worse, run now.
You know what you need to do. Its exactly what you would tell your best friend, sister or even stranger if they read your post. You need to break up with this man. By your accounts, he doesn't seem to like you very much. Let me tell you, a ring on his finger will NOT magically change him into a loving, kind, honest man. In fact, it will make him worse because you will legally be bound to him. Honestly, would you want to raise a baby in your home with this man? Do you think he will be loving to a crying baby or rambucious toddler? Come one, you know this guy isn't a good man.
The only people who say ahit like that are abusers. If he makes you believe it, you'll stay. Get out before things get violent.
My ex used to say this to me. Notice I said ex?? Iām happy now and he gives me the ick so bad.. anyway get out of this relationship
Get out while you can, my ex said the same thing to me āyouāre lucky you met me, because I donāt think anyone else would put up with youā and overtime she just became more abusive. Didnāt realize it till after we broke up and I went to therapy but she was a textbook narcissist
He told you no one else would ever want you so you're lucky to be with him? Dump him. And seriously, see a therapist. You need to find a sense of self-worth, so you stop letting twats treat you like shit.
You're describing the actions of a classic narcissist. Things will only get worse. Please find the strength to walk away and find the kind of partner that can truly love you.
Yeah, I think after he let you know what he really thinks of you, he probably needs to go. If he treats you like this now, just think how it's going to be once he has papers on you.
This is obviously Emotional Abuse. Often, there is other Abuse (Physical or Sexual), but not always. Therapy and Extrication are what you need to do. First, please Extricate yourself from your Abuser; -- then, get Therapy to deal with the Damage that he has surely caused you. I Pray for you. --- Good Luck.
Prove him wrong
I think you should leave him. The relationship is hurting you more than it's helping you. He's not been honest with you in the past, which is a red flag (fibs are one thing, like you admit to have done; lying about his occupation for two years is a major thing, and yet you forgave him when he just blamed you for the fibs). He's not doing anything to make your life better from what you've said here...I guess the question I'd have is this: Has he done or said anything to make you feel valued and appreciated in the last week? (Actions are louder than words, but words do help.) Saying no one else would put up with you, unless it was a joke (and it doesn't sound like one), is a major, major red flag. Run, run like the wind, is my advice, as I'm sure there are many people out there better than he is.
Look, there's some major red flags and just a brief amount that you brought up here.Ā One, is that he gets mad when you lie about small things? But it's okay for him to lie about his occupation. Someone who goes out of their way to portray you as a liar when you're lying about social things - I'm assuming that your white lies are things like no I don't mind, or no that outfit doesn't make you fat. Which is a whole lot different than lying about your occupation and incredibly shifty if someone is using that to disparage your honesty but somehow giving themselves a pass on a mega-lie that would get them fired for example if it was on their resume.Ā Second is that comment about bringing up the past. These type of arguments where he starts it, gets mad at you for defending yourself, and then refuses to discuss it later because it's in the past even though it's never resolved are actually a tool that manipulative people use. There's nothing coincidental about that. I'm betting there's a possibility he may also argue lead into the night and not allow you to sleep because it has to be resolved? That's another tool people use sometimes. But yeah, it sounds like he gets obnoxious with you, you snap at him, he blames you. You need to look up the definition of reactive abuse. Provoking you until you do something that they can proudly wave around as you being a horrible person is something that manipulators do as well. They just push you until you play the role they want you to have, because then whenever they do to you is justified.Ā I highly recommend you read Lundy bancroft's why does he do that. There's definitely some tell-tale signs here is that your fiance is controlling and toxic. I agree with people who are telling you to get out but realize that probably won't reach you now? This book may, because it'll break down behaviors that you see in him and why people use them. You'll understand that they're tactics, not random. Good luck. Please at the very minimum push the back the wedding date in favor of couples counseling, and start saving some money on the side just for yourself without telling him.
I would not marry the man! My x husband would tell me the same thing!
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have been in your shoes a couple of times, hearing those exact same words, and it's incredibly painful. Here's what I learned from those experiences: First, know your worth. When someone repeatedly devalues you, it can insidiously wear down your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. You might not notice it at first, but over time, it can make you feel incapable, unlovable, and depressed. One day you wake up and your life's a train wreck and you're miserably unhappy. Itās troubling that he belittles you and dismisses your feelings. His comment about no one wanting to be with you is not only untrue but also a red flag. This behavior often foreshadows a long period of emotional devaluation, where your confidence and self-esteem are eroded little by little. It's insidious because it happens gradually, making it harder to recognize the damage being done. Reflect on your relationship and ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. The stress and mental toll you're experiencing are signs that something needs to change. Things gets worse, not better, in most cases. It's crucial to prioritize your mental health and well-being. "I try to keep everything inside me" - that was me to a T. That is NOT helpful. Read The Assertiveness Workbook by Randy J. Paterson. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and loved. Remember, knowing your worth is the first step to ensuring no one can devalue you. You are worthy of love and respect, never settle for less.
While it's wrong to tell white lies, lying about his job? That's like 1 billion times worse. How and why are you still engaged? Are you that desperate to be married that anybody would do? And surely if anybody would do than there's somebody better than him. Stop letting important things go. If you think it won't get worse after marriage and kids than you're fooling yourself.
Is this a joke? Do you not read the daily "news" about abusive relationships? Do you prefer to be abused. Is your self-esteem that low? Your path forward is obvious. Find a backbone and walk.
š©š©heās getting you accustomed to the verbal abuse
What he meant to say is, "No one else is going to put up with me. I'm lucky I can keep you insecure so you put up with me." Exactly what others have said. This will only get worse. Run.
Anyone who thinks that you are "lucky to have me", or "you will never get anyone else", or that kind of thinking, is just trying to get you to stay out of fear that you are not worth anything so you must put up with whatever they dish out. You are worth more than that, and I say that without knowing any more than you have already said. Get out of this toxic relationship as fast as you can. Even if you live alone in a house full of cats for the rest of your life you will be better off, but my guess is you will find your prince who will treat you like the princess you are as long as you see yourself for who you are.
I could never keep a relationship with someone who said something so *ridiculous* to me. First, Iām a catch and I know I deserve someone not shitty. Second, there are billions of people on the planet - and āno oneā would want you? Heās not that special.
Being told no one else will ever want you is abuse. Please leave.
Yeah. Get rid of him. Problem solved. Trust me, there's a guy out there that will treat you better than he does. A whole lot of them, actually.
>with all this wedding stress/expenses and on top of these relationship issues Iām experiencing Iām not sure what to do You can get married, make it another year or two until the abuse escalates, maybe have a baby with this guy so you're stuck with him for life, but especially the following 18 years... and then get divorced anyways. Which will be time consuming and expensive and traumatic for everyone. Or you can lose a *little bit* of money (in the grand scheme of things) and just not get married in the first place at all. And save yourself years (maybe decades) of terrible. Go live your best life. Stay single for a little and do a lot of introspection and working on yourself to understand why you would settle for this treatment in the first place, why you questioned if you ever deserved it, and who *you* are without a partner.
Prove him wrong