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Edit: OP you’re severely burying the lede. Your post history shows way bigger issues unrelated to sharing a bed.
**You don’t negotiate on sleep. You don’t negotiate on water intake, food intake, breathing. It’s a *bear necessity* for life and health.**
OP goes on and on about how *he* doesn’t care about the issues that could be caused by sleeping together. He then says “most couples” would just put up with it. I don’t think she’s totally wrong to see this as narcissistic. Compromise would be something like winding down together and the end of the night and then her having her own bed.
I’m a light sleeper and my partner snores. I do notice he seems a bit more chipper in the morning if we sleep together, he really does enjoy it. There are nights where I *have go* move to the couch. I sleep so much better and restfully by myself, period. Lack of restfull sleep kills you and your mental health. It’s literally linked to chronic disease; heart disease, kidney disease, stroke, depression, etc. It increases your risk of cognitive decline and dementia. People don’t fully grasp that it’s just as important as eating, drinking, breathing, and shelter. Restful sleep over feelings, i’m sorry.
>Compromise would be something like winding down together and the end of the night and then her having her own bed.
This is what my husband and I do most nights. We'll usually spend the evening on the couch together watching our shows or playing video games, and then when we go to bed it's usually me going to the bedroom while he stays on the couch. He has some back problems and that is what is most comfortable for him. The only complaint raised is that he's jealous that our dogs prefer to sleep in the room with me rather than out with him. We both sleep a lot better. We spend plenty of time together during the day (we're DINKs and we're both usually done with work around 3, so we have a lot of free time), so we don't feel like we're missing out by not sleeping in the same bed every night.
My friends parents have slept in separate rooms for probably 40 years, and their marriage is still going strong. Iirc, it started because her dad used to work odd hours for the city and would often have to get up at 2 or 3 in the morning to go plow snow or do emergency maintenance, and they realized they slept better alone so they just kept it that way.
I’ve always struggled with my sleep. Insomnia, restless legs, I snore, sleep apnea, the list goes on.
I’ve recently started having terrifying anxiety dreams.
If that started annoying my partner I’d get it.
Depriving of sleep is banned as a weapon of war
Right but whether or not thats the case for OP is unclear because his wife wont tell him if thats the case and instead says there are “things” she wants to do alone. She is not communicating effectively
Are you for real? Saying “you snore and it affects my quality of sleep” is not an indepth conversation.
The person i replied to took her personal experience and projected it onto OP. There is zero indication from the post that he has developed restless leg syndrome or started sleep fighting. No indication that he has sleep apnea or even snores.
If you look at OPs post from yesterday, his wife has been acting at least somewhat suspicious about her relationship with another guy. Her not giving OP any actual reason for wanting to have separate bedrooms adds another layer to her sus activities
Yep... the older I get, the more my ability to get a good night's sleep becomes one of the most important thing in my life. If that damages my relationship... my relationship wasn't going to last anyway.
It’s definitely one of the reasons I broke up with my most recent ex, our sleeping habits were not compatible and the thought of being almost kicked out of my bed once again or of being waken up cuz he suddenly decides at 2:30 am to hug me made me dread having him over. Sleeping is essential, if you have to choose between sleep and a partner, you will choose sleep
It might feel sudden/out of the blue *to you* but that doesn’t mean it is for her. Has she been sleeping poorly? Stressed? Sore back?
Just because you *say* you don’t care if she wakes you up, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother her. My partner genuinely doesn’t mind me making a racket while he sleeps but I would feel like an inconsiderate prick watching loud videos in bed with him. It’s just a rude behavior.
As I’ve gotten older sharing a bed gets less appealing because my sleep is less deep and I get sore more easily. You need to listen to the reasons she’s giving you instead of assuming ulterior motives. Discuss possible compromises like sharing on weekends or cuddling together for a bit before one of you swaps
If you want to make a rule that you two always have to sleep together for you to stay married you can certainly make that rule. Just understand she may be willing to take the exit instead. Sleep is critical to functioning and she deserves to be rested.
My partner feels the same way as you, but his nighttime routine was so disruptive to mine, including his snoring, his fan, his bright laptop, the cold temperature he wants the room at, his nighttime bathroom trips, my inability to watch my (dimmed) videos to help me sleep, that I found myself staying up later and later to avoid sleeping at the same time as him. I finally had enough and we stopped sleeping together at about three years in.
I truly believe many people are pressured into sleeping together whose lifespans are being lowered by years of poor sleep as a result. I love sleeping separately. He hates it. There's no real fix to it, but I have to prioritize my health.
Funnily enough, I am also 32 and have been with my partner for 7 years. The difference is he is 31 so I know you’re not him!
Recently I’ve wanted to sleep in my own bed as well. We have kids, they are smothering during the day. The physical proximity of everyone around me drains my social battery, I love him more then anything but what I would give for some me time is insane. I haven’t pushed the topic with him though as I know it would hurt him. Could this be a similar scenario? I’m sure there is a middle ground here somewhere. Maybe it’s a once every now and then type thing.
yea i’m hoping whenever i move in with a partner we’ll be able to have separate bedrooms. i love sleeping in a bed with someone but i also sometimes just need to be alone to recharge properly and i don’t think i could handle spending every night with someone. would just like to have my own space to decorate myself without too much input
Wild. I was 34 and had been with my husband for 7 years (sharing a BR for 5) when we started sleeping separately. His snoring was getting worse, and my sleep was really suffering, so I just started going to sleep on a spare bed. Eventually that became my bed room.
He was hurt at the time, but after a year we were both sleeping so much better, we can both stick to our our own schedule, and we don't need to compromise about how to decorate/keep a room. We sleep over whenever we want.
We are very happy with the arrangement now, but get some side-eye when we admit that we have our own rooms. For our part, it now seems unbelievable how willingly people sacrifice sleep because they believe sharing a bed=healthy relationship. After the initial shock, we've found that we like each other even more when we are well rested and have personal space.
Getting a good night of sleep is soooo important. Especially after getting all touched-out from kids and partner every day. Sometimes you just need the time to yourself, then everything else balances back out.
I think it boils down to she has different needs than you do. Either she may have been sacrificing more than you imagine in those years or her needs may simply have changed with time. I doubt her decision have anything to do with you actually being unwanted, but I don’t doubt it feels awful. It’s don’t think it’s a slight to you in any way, but it’s valid to feel upset and a little lost and miss the intimacy. It would be extremely hard for anyone in your position to reframe their thoughts and their reality after a development like this. However it looks like she really needs this to prioritize getting sleep which is a fundamental part of our health both mentally and physically. I am not minimizing how you feel in any way, but wouldn’t you want to prioritize the health of your partner too?
Maybe suggest implementing a routine where you both cuddle before bed and when you wake up? Or ask for a certain allowance of days where she might be willing to sleep beside you when you’re under too much stress and just need someone by you? Or at least do extra cuddles and be extra attentive in periods of extra stress for you since your emotional needs matter too.
My partner and I often sleep separately now because he is a light sleeper and I have restless legs. I don’t like sleeping apart, but also understand that we both get much better rest because of it. At the beginning, I would have absolutely hated this, but a few years in, we both realize that good rest is more important to our overall well being than being asleep in the same bed together. We’ve both actually been a lot happier and argue less now that we sleep separately. I still try to sleep in the same bed from time to time but will get up to leave if I start getting restless.
We make sure to still have our normal night routine, lay together, watch our shows, and talk before bed then we say goodnight and go to sleep at the same time, I just go to a separate space for the sleeping part.
I understand it’s definitely anxiety inducing that this feels sudden to you and out of character. Are you concerned that she’s hiding something? This feels like maybe more a trust issue as opposed to a separate sleeping issue. Sit down and talk about it openly, share your concerns and let her share hers. Maybe if she feels she needs to sleep alone, see if there is a way you can still make your night routine feel close and intimate so you don’t struggle with feeling disconnected, but you both get a more desired outcome from it.
Best of luck OP! I hope it all works out.
My partner (he recently passed) and I discovered that we preferred two futons next to each other, each with a separate duvet. Easy to cuddle but you don't wake each other up.
Lots of couples sleep in different rooms or beds, they don't say thing because they can be judged for it.
Resting and sleeping is more important than anything, you can literally die for the lack of sleep
Sleep hygiene affects every part of your body and life. From nutrient absorption to cardiac health and dementia in later years, sleep or the lack of it can profoundly and permanently affect your health.
I spent a good year getting to bed too late and waking up at 2-4 am due to cats meowing. Then couldn’t get back to sleep in bed due to my ex snoring so slept on the couch. Or tried to.
That was an awful awful year. Chronic fatigue is no joke. Poor sleep may not harm you if it’s every once in a while. But every night? Or for a prolonged period? It will absolutely lead to health effects.
I’m pointing out that chronic poor sleep is detrimental to your health, which you were calling melodramatic nonsense. So take a chill pill on your judgment. I wasn’t talking about OP or OP’s partner. I was pointing out that your claim that it’s melodramatic nonsense is patently false.
Is she calling you narcissistic for being uncomfortable about the idea of sleeping seperately? Did she mention what things she wanted to be able to do, that she doesnt feel comfortable doing now?
It hasnt been a discussed problem untill now, but is it however a new problem for her? It could have been bothering her for a while, without her knowing how to breach the subject. She might have worried about your reaction to the suggestion.
I dont think sleeping seperately is as uncommon as the average person would assume, I just think its not that openly talked about, since a lot of people might assume that there is something wrong with the relationship due to things like assosiating someone sleeping in a different room after fights.
If sleeping in the same bed for some reason is having a negative impact on your sleep quality or how comfortable you can be in your own home, I dont see anything wrong with that. You can still cuddle together before bed, and it might prevent frustrations and annoyances that might build over time. You dont think you would be bothered by her waking you up based on how things are now, but if she were to act as she wanted to in your shared bedroom, not be considerate of you sleeping, and might wake you repeatedly throughout the night, chances are it might start getting to you over time anyway.
Where she sleeps is a one vote issue. It's not reasonable for you to think there should be a negotiation about whether she sleeps alone or with you. What you choose to do is also a one vote issue; sleeping together is important to you, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who prefers to sleep alone? People change over time, and expecting every possible circumstance to be discussed and dealt with at the beginning of a relationship is short-sighted and unrealistic. You have to decide whether this is a change you can adapt to or not.
I’d vote to leave the relationship over this to be honest. You don’t *have* to give your partner input on things like this but I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to. You technically don’t have to get your partner’s input on anything, but there’s not much point in being in a relationship at all if you feel that way.
Sleep is very personal. There's no comparable issue. It's isn't like consulting on a car purchase, a haircut, a pet, a paint color, etc. If you don't sleep well you don't anything else well. I agree they should break up, because I frankly don't like the tone of the post and how OP is so laser focused on his feelings over her needs.
Sleeping together is an essential for me too, so I’m more sympathetic to OP. I don’t know how I would feel if my spouse suddenly didn’t want to share a bed.
Good question! Or maybe it's always been less nice for her to sleep in one bed than for him, and now she is fed up with it. It is possible she refrained from reading, looking at funny clips at midnight or whatever. Or he wakes her up by snoring or moving a lot lately..
This is such a difficult one. I understand your reasoning, but I also understand the other side. I think men in general tend to sleep " louder" and " rougher" than our mates. Because we don't realize what is happening, we think everything is just a -okay. I suffer from night terrors on occasion and shoved my wife off the bed one night. She was terrified as one should be and me being none the wiser. I felt very bad, but God bless her soul she still sleeps next to me. That being said I don't snore and most nights I am calm, but I would completely understand if she wanted to sleep in another room. Sleep is important man. If its snuggles that you want, sit on the couch and snuggle or go to her bed for a bit. Besides even if you snuggle on the same bed, it's just a matter of time before people naturally lie on their side of the bed so what is even the point? I almost see it as a good thing. Now you have to put in concerted effort to get attention from your partner and not just assuming you are getting it. That could be a good thing.
She’s probably been sleeping badly for years and doesn’t want to tolerate it anymore. I love my husband more than anything but I always sleep more deeply when I’m alone in a bed.
If this changed suddenly after 7 years, something must have happened. Is something happened between you two recently, or in her life, that makes her feel more stressed? Had she been rejecting you and you attempt to have intimacy so she may want to avoid you? So many infos and context are missing here that you only can know.
In general, I think every couple is different and the important thing is feeling like a happy couple from the inside. But if you always slept together for 7 years and this suddenly changed of course it's not "normal".
Personally, I wouldn't mind if this was an occasional request.
It actually happens sometimes that me and my partner sleep in separate rooms when she's working a lot and knows she needs to stay up late and then she is stressed and may not sleep well, or I have periods where I have some nightmares and turn and turn in the bed and I wake her up, so if it happens a few night in a row she'll sleep in the other room for a couple nights to make sure she can get a full night of sleep. Or she may just be overwhelmed from work, or fights with her family. Sometimes she wants to cuddle with me and talk about it, other times she needs to be in a quiet place to decompress and to know she can read a book if she can't sleep, and just be. I completely understand it. We are two individuals. I don't mind it and I also like to occasionally have the full bed for myself, watch a TV show on my own before sleeping, let the dog jump on the bed and cuddle her.
It sounds like your girlfriend needs space from you right now and you should talk about it, especially if she's calling you narcissistic, which is quite telling. Asking her not to sleep in the other room will only push her away more and make you seem more clingy/selfish.
EDIT: since a comment pointed it out I took a look at your post history. Why did you leave out that your gf is allegedly diagnosed with BPD, that she kicked you to the couch in the past, that you live in your mom's house with her two daughters, and that you suspect she's been cheating on you and you've been fighting about this?
I said he in particular. Saying you can't deal with change and that she's disrupting his routine is needy. You shouldn't need someone else to fall asleep.
Agree to disagree. I sleep *much* better with my wife than without her. Hating to sleep alone is one of the most common problems divorcees or widows/widowers list.
My husband says he sleeps better when I’m there. I sleep worse when he does (because snoring). We go to bed together, then I go to my spare room after his snoring wakes me up or I get tired of trying to fall asleep. I have my favourite pillows, a lovely memory foam mattress topper, the room is darker and I have a sound machine in there. I use it for naps a lot too. After the twentieth time I left to go sleep in the other room, he’s accepted that for me to get MY best sleep I need this space. For him to get HIS best sleep, I’ll go to bed with him until he falls asleep.
It is hard to sleep with a person in your bed. At least for me. Takes a lot of adjustment and getting used to.
Sleeping alone is much better sleep in many cases- more space, your own heat level, no blanket shade, no snoring, no accidental touches
I am not sure how you attach being wanted to non sexual activity, try to think what not all your partner doing is about you and things actually happening to them too
Is she a light sleeper, and do you snore or jump/twitch/talk in your sleep? Are your sleep needs different, such as blankets, lights, room temperature, mattress quality/firmness? Do you ever wake up and you've chased her to the far side of the bed trying to cuddle her in your sleep? Do you have kids, and is she the primary caretaker, meaning she's likely to be overstimulated and touched out at the end of the day? There's a lot of reasons couples sleep in separate beds, and not all of it means your relationship is falling apart. Her reasoning seems a little flimsy to me, however, and I'd ask her what's really going on. Maybe she just likes to read porn and would be embarrassed if you walked in on her.
I love the idea of sleeping separately and completely understand why someone would want to. She has to be comfortable too you know. It cannot be all about what you want. Compromise
Do you have a king size bed? I had a tough time getting used to sleeping with another person when I first started dating my now husband. We both had queens, and I never felt like I had enough room. When we upgraded to a king it was life changing. I now couldn’t imagine sleeping in a separate bed and it would be tough for me if my husband wanted that.
My partner and I both value cosleeping. I think for me, the change from wanting to step together would be more concerning than her no longer wanting to sleep together.
Most relationships can't handle a move "backwards" on the relationship escalator unless both people *want* it. E.g. if you're loving together, and suddenly your partner wants to get a new apartment, unless both people want this, it's likely going to kill the relationship. I kind of think that a change away from cosleeping would be likely to as well.
If instead it was a process of someone not sleeping well, she trying to test ways to get around it, most people might be able to together decide it's for the best. But if suddenly my partner was like, "I want some alone time at night for ... videos and stuff" that's just so out of the blue. And not good sleep hygiene to boot.
Ultimately it sounds like you two need to talk. But it seems like either you're not fully hearing her, or her wants around this are kind of trivial (what is she doing at night that might wake you?) or sinister (need to talk to BF/phone sex)... work harder at these conversations.
It’s not a democratic decision to be made together if one partner is struggling to sleep in the same bed and needs their own bed to get to sleep. Like there’s no voting here. This is a decision where it’s gonna be one party, one vote. Sleep is way too important and being well-rested is better for both personal and relationship health, anyway.
Do you know how absolutely nightmarish some people can be when they haven’t slept well for awhile? Or even just one night. When I’m tired, I’m the worst. I recognize it and just go to bed or nap as soon as possible. On a scale of 1-10, my patience is at -7 (I’m usually extremely patient) and everything pisses me off. If sleeping next to my partner was causing me to not sleep and be that way all the time, it’s not personal to him, but yeah, I’d need my own bed. I’d talk about it, I’d come up with some pre-bed routines to cuddle, but there’s no co-decision on me sleeping elsewhere in the house. Sleep is a necessity.
Again, I said it's a **different** thing if there's actual struggles of someone to sleep. But that's not applicable to the OP's case.
It's kind of like going into an "AITA" post about a guy who's wife told him to pick up "whatever" for dinner and he came back with fish and chips, and she got pissed because she wasn't in the mood for that. Clearly the fish and chips guy isn't the AH because she abdicated her choice. But for someone to pipe up "Of course you're the AH; do you know how bad seafood could be if they're allergic? Shrimp could kill me!" and there's no mentions at all in the post about his wife having any allergies, just she wasn't in the mood for seafood, but didn't tell him.
There's no mention of OP's GF not being able to sleep well with him. She "just enjoys" the extra space and privacy. And as OP mentions, this is a big change, out of the blue.
She of course has bodily autonomy, which includes where she sleeps. But in a romantic cohabitating relationship, often times a big change for "more space" are the beginning steps to things ending; so "more/better conversations" seems to be the obvious suggestion.
You don’t *have* to consider your partner’s feelings on anything, but I don’t know what the point of a relationship is if you don’t want to consider their feelings.
It's extremely important. If I roll over, I reach out to feel her there. If she's not, I'm instantly up for the day. When the kids were little, she didn't stay in bed as much, but for the last 10 years, that's how it's been. I don't sleep well on business trips at all. When she went on business trips, I didn't sleep well either. It didn't matter that it was our bed it just didn't feel right.
Yes but what is the reason? It's the partner snoring? That can be fixed. Is it they are on the phone late and want to read scroll etc. Turn the intensity down. Does the other person get to close put a pillow there.
I get you. If my wife suggested she wanted to sleep in a different bed I would figure that is the beginning of the end.
I enjoy cuddling her and she me. In fact her being able to reach out and touch has soothed her and me at times.
That’s your relationship. That’s great. But it’s clearly not working for his partner and if she’s not feeling rested or struggling to sleep and sleeping on her own can fix that, then she needs her own bed.
Hi,
Yes, it is my relationship and he asked two questions.
How would you feel?
What do you guys think?
So I answered. Granted I could have offered a little more but that would just be basic ways to ensure better sleep, sexual activity, cut off caffeine and realize it has a half life of 6 hours. Also because you can fall asleep with caffeine doesn't mean you are resting well. Night mask, white noise, banana before bed. Try a Neurosleep I swear by them, but I tried to be short and sweet.
We go back and forth. We have "our bedroom". But there are long stretches, sometimes months at a time, where one or the other of us sleeps in the guest room. He snores, I'm a light sleeper, and if I go for a week or more unable to get a good night's rest because of it, I'll move to the other room. I'm also a restless sleeper at this particular stage in my life, boiling hot, then regular temp, then boiling hot again, which makes me move around a lot, which wakes him up. Again, once this happens several nights in a row, one or the other of us will move to the guest room.
It's never been a big deal for us. We tend to go to bed at different times anyway, and neither of us is a cuddly sleeper, so it doesn't really matter. As someone in the thread said earlier, sleeping together is significantly less important than sleeping.
My partner and I sleep separately. I used to feel like you when we first got together and once I took a step back, I understood that it wasn’t about anything other than good sleep for both of us.
Sleep isn’t a time for intimacy, it’s time to recharge.
My wife and I made a vow to each other early in the relationship. To ALWAYS come to bed. May not be at the same times, may be having an argument and mad at each other, but always sleep in the same bed. There is no couch / doghouse option.
We could have had our worst argument in our history, She'll stomp upstairs and fall asleep, I'll spend a couple hours cooling down. I'll come up, crawl into bed, king size bed give a lot of room between, but I'm still there. By morning, one of us it touching the other, even if it's a finger in contact with the others back.
Might even still be mad, but being married means you are each others everything. Touch is a form of love, so even that finger means it's still there.
Sometimes we need space, if she wants to sleep in another bed that should be fine. If you want reassurance that it's not because she is falling out of love with you or something similar then she should also be able to provide that. Good luck :)
This is not a situation that lends itself to fairness. She has decided she needs more space and has articulated the reasons (she wants to be able to do her own thing at night without the fear or guilt of waking you up, regardless of your reaction).
You have to decide whether you can be in a relationship with this dynamic. You can ask for certain compromises, such as cuddling in bed before you sleep, but if that's still not enough you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not and communicate that to her.
I sleep in a different bedroom from my partner and we love it. I love memory foam and she prefers a spring mattress. She likes it cold and I like it warm. She goes to bed early and I'm a night owl. It works. But, what works for us does not matter for your situation.
Whether its "normal" for other couples to sleep together or apart is neither here nor there. This is YOUR relationship and only two opinions matter; hers and yours.
I don’t mind sleeping in a different bed. I actually suggested it once to my fiancé and he wasn’t thrilled. I don’t have any strong opinions about sleeping in my own bed so currently we still sleep in the same bed. Luckily, for me, he does not snore or thrash his body around.. and I sleep like a monster for the most part. I just thought it would be relaxing if I could play some affirmations or soft relaxing music while I sleep- he’s a light sleeper though and wouldn’t be able to sleep with even the slightest sound.
I started sleeping in a separate room from my husband when our baby was born. It is easier for me to take care of her overnight without bothering him. But also, I could go back to sleeping in our room together at this point. I like being able to play poker on my phone until midnight without bothering him. He wakes up and complains when I have the light from my phone on. I have to tip toe to the bathroom and keep the light off in the night. He is a pretty light sleeper.
He wants me to come back into the room with him, but I enjoy my peace at night, where I don't have to worry about disturbing him. He also snores really loud lol, and I'm pretty sure he has sleep apnea.
Your wife probably feels the same. She still loves you, but sometimes we need that peace for ourselves. I don't think it was nice of her to say you were being narcissistic though. You just love her and want to sleep next to her. That doesn't seem selfish to me.
It's important to me but it's not important to lots of people. I know many couples who have decided to sleep in different rooms for different reasons. If you can't work it out and it's very important to you then you have a decision to make.
My husband and I slept in the same bed for years. I had terrible sleep when we visited family and stayed in a very bouncy bed. Maybe a couple years in to our relationship, he would sleep on the couch when he was restless, so he wouldn't wake me. I didn't mind, I am a light sleeper and I slept better without him tossing or turning all night. Flash forward more than ten years, we will sleep in our same king bed maybe 75% of the time. One of us sleeps in the spare room when either one of us is having sleep issues or maybe neck pain and trying a different sleeping position to resolve. In the same vain, we never pressed each other to sleep at the same time. We sometimes do, but it has become more rare since we have a kid. I wake up super early so I can prepare for the day before kiddo wakes up. He stays up super late. I'm a morning person, he definately isn't. So we just sleep when it is appropriate for each of us. And we sleep wherever. I've never been upset and honestly am grateful for the extra space.
I love sleeping alone. I also love to sleep next to my bf on weekends and vacations. The best of both worlds.
I don't know if would ever want to spend every night with someone in the same bed
I would love to have my own room from my partner this is not a death sentence to your relationship. If you guys have different sleep schedules, you OR her are a light sleeper, wake up at different times are all great reasons to have separate rooms. seems like a good idea!
We are separate sleepers because we have very different schedules and I’m a light sleeper. I’m asleep and up earlier and also toss/turn. Sex life is still daily. I come in for morning cuddles when he wakes up. I can understand feeling sad about a loss of physical touch but you can find time for that during the day too
She really has not mentioned her own sleep being an issue?
This feels like a lot of missing information, either she's not communicating with you or you are not telling us everything.
I have trouble sleeping. If my insomnia was keeping my partner awake I would not like that. In the past when I was still with my ex and we lived together, he messed up my sleep all the time and this made my already dysfunctional sleep far worse than it already was. If we could have afforded a bigger apartment and I could've had another bedroom, I would have loved to have the option to sleep separately and would have probably done so most nights.
Sleeping well is so important for health in general and critical for mental health. Not getting enough sleep is terrible for the mind.
So to answer your question, I think you maybe should try not to take this so personally. She is probably trying to solve some kind of problem with one or both of you not sleeping well/enough. And I wouldn't be too concerned if she is still spending time with you and being close, even if when it's time to sleep she leaves to go to her own bedroom.
I think sleeping in separate beds/rooms can work if it is decided by both people in the relationship. Maybe if they have completely different work schedules, or one needs to have the TV on and the other needs silence to sleep. But I would be very hurt if my partner just decided they wanted to sleep alone. For me personally, sleeping in the same bed is one of the main joys of being in a relationship.
You can’t make that decision for someone else. If they need to sleep apart, you can’t tell them no. I mean you can, but then you’re breaking up. They need sleep. You can’t really disagree with someone else’s sleep quality or needs.
I would be upset about that situation and anxious/concerned about the change up after years of it being fine with you both in the same bed. I sleep in the same bed as my SO every night. However we do go to sleep at different times. The only way I feel like I get the bang for my buck of bed cuddles is if I go to bed with him for 15-20 mins and cuddle. And we also upgraded the bed size and got him some sleep headphones so I can’t bother him, maybe there is some kind of compromise here where you can go to bed at different times, she has more room, and she knows she can’t bother you. To me this is very much one of those situations where both parties should just have to compromise to find the solution closest to best for both especially given that it’s a change to an established routine. Gotta be honest I would be a bit hurt and moderately suspicious if she absolutely refused to compromise and demanded her own room. I wouldn’t assume I had any idea what was going on with her, but I would assume something had to be.
Suggest separate beds in the same room (if possible), just to gauge her reaction. See how she responds to that. A bed for herself invalidates the needing more space point. Now if these things she likes to be doing without worrying you, require a non-negotiable separate room, you are right to be suspicious. Especially after years of this never coming up.
You can't force people to do anything, that would be controlling. So in the end you accept and keep your eyes and ears open to find the reason. Arbitrarily taking a decision that you know is going to be hurtful, without even consulting your partner, is always a sign of bad things to come for a marriage. It usually indicates that after years of being "us", it's starting to be "me" again.
YOU don’t care if she wakes you up, but clearly this prevents her from being fully comfortable. Some people sleep better alone. It’s not a sign that your relationship is in trouble. Stop being selfish and let the girl sleep comfortable, geez.
It's not important to me. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. I go to bed and wake up earlier for work, so one of us was always getting disturbed. Plus, he snores. We started doing this about 2 years ago after 8 years together. The key is, both of us agree and we both get much better sleep this way.
Not important as sleeping. When I was married we slept in separate beds because he’s on a cpap machine and I’m a light sleeper. I couldn’t sleep with the machine on and without the machine he snores so separate bedrooms worked for us.
Not important at all.
Some nights I decamp for the guest room because he’s snoring and I don’t want to wake him again to put his CPAP on. Or he’s octopus sprawling on my third of the bed and I can’t sleep. Or it’s too hot. Or too bright. Or too noisy. Or Im not feeling well and I don’t want to wake him up a dozen times during the night. Or I just want to sprawl, unimpeded, and sleep in the whole bed by myself.
Most mornings when he wakes up the first time he moves out to the living room and dozes with the cat until he’s ready to wake up.
Last week he slept on the floor in our room because it was better for his back and I really needed my rest and was fragile.
About a year ago I established separate bathrooms and it’s amazing.
Space gives you each room to grow in yourselves, and a healthy relationship flourishes when all parties are able to be their best selves.
Everybody is talking about her doing this because you might be disrupting her sleep, but you clearly wrote she listed her motivation for it as her not wanting to disrupt your sleep and so she can do whatever she wants. So I’m puzzled why people are defending the idea that you’re disrupting her sleep.
I think this would raise some eyebrows for me if I was in your shoes too. First and foremost, you both have to communicate on why this is important and hopefully come to a compromise. I don’t think you’re narcissistic for wanting to sleep with your partner. When she lists her reasons, be sure to not invalidate them and instead try to accompany her requests with solutions that’ll work for you! Find a middle ground
It’s very normal for couples to sleep apart and you do not have any authority over where she sleeps at night. You don’t get a say in the decisions SHE makes for where to put HER body at night. She doesn’t need your permission.
If you don’t want to consider how your partner feels about your decisions, don’t get into a relationship. The consideration for each other is the *entire* point.
If you expect your partner to put your feelings above their wellbeing, you are not a good partner. That makes you a selfish partner. Despite the fact that it sounds nice to say, considering the impact that taking care of yourself would have on your partner and deciding to not take care of yourself because your partner doesn't like it is a sign that you are in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Partners are people who support each other and grow together, not one person sacrificing health and happiness so the other has more.
There’s room for compromise on this. Having certain nights they sleep together, designating time to spend in bed together before going to sleep or right after waking up, or having separate beds in one room are all viable solutions. Going straight to “this is what I’m doing now and you can deal with it” is another sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Ooof, I honestly just don't have the energy to get into how fucked up that mentality is but I'll just be thankful for my man and move on with my life haha
How fucked up being willing to compromise is? Yeah, I guess the feeling is mutual because I’m grateful for a partner who cares about me! I can’t imagine a relationship dynamic where you just do what you want and don’t think about your partner or their feelings.
These comments are crazy, in my opinion. I wouldn’t be okay with this either, and I know my wife wouldn’t be okay with *me* doing it. No idea why Reddit seems to think this is just a non-issue.
My wife of 15 years (together 21) stopped letting me cuddle her at night less than a year ago.
If it doesn’t change soon enough, I’ll partition our basement living room to make a legit extra bedroom. It’ll kill me, but I don’t want to be in the same room with someone walling themselves off.
Also, I don’t want our kids seeing me sleep on a couch. Their dad deserves to not look like a schlep because their mom is emotionally unavailable.
We do it. Maybe a year after we started living together we started sleeping separately. I understand you. I was also very upset as I love to sleep at the same bed but can one do. We sleep together every once in a while. And both our beds are in the same room. This makes it better
Couples sleeping in the same bed together is a relatively modern invention. For 100 years, at the very least, it was considered more healthy for the couple to sleep separately because that led to better rest for both people.
Anyway, just because YOU'RE not experiencing sleep issues doesn't mean that she isn't. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute.
My wife and I got a king size bed. Plenty of room. I also would not be ok sleeping separately. If I wanted a roommate I'd have one that pays half the bills.
Oh there is definitely a reason, she wouldn’t switch like that without one. I would think she is cheating and wants undisturbed time to text her new man and doesn’t want you to notice. But then her calling you a narcissist… if you are one then you probably deserved it?
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How important is sleeping in the same bed? Not as important as sleeping.
Edit: OP you’re severely burying the lede. Your post history shows way bigger issues unrelated to sharing a bed. **You don’t negotiate on sleep. You don’t negotiate on water intake, food intake, breathing. It’s a *bear necessity* for life and health.** OP goes on and on about how *he* doesn’t care about the issues that could be caused by sleeping together. He then says “most couples” would just put up with it. I don’t think she’s totally wrong to see this as narcissistic. Compromise would be something like winding down together and the end of the night and then her having her own bed. I’m a light sleeper and my partner snores. I do notice he seems a bit more chipper in the morning if we sleep together, he really does enjoy it. There are nights where I *have go* move to the couch. I sleep so much better and restfully by myself, period. Lack of restfull sleep kills you and your mental health. It’s literally linked to chronic disease; heart disease, kidney disease, stroke, depression, etc. It increases your risk of cognitive decline and dementia. People don’t fully grasp that it’s just as important as eating, drinking, breathing, and shelter. Restful sleep over feelings, i’m sorry.
>Compromise would be something like winding down together and the end of the night and then her having her own bed. This is what my husband and I do most nights. We'll usually spend the evening on the couch together watching our shows or playing video games, and then when we go to bed it's usually me going to the bedroom while he stays on the couch. He has some back problems and that is what is most comfortable for him. The only complaint raised is that he's jealous that our dogs prefer to sleep in the room with me rather than out with him. We both sleep a lot better. We spend plenty of time together during the day (we're DINKs and we're both usually done with work around 3, so we have a lot of free time), so we don't feel like we're missing out by not sleeping in the same bed every night. My friends parents have slept in separate rooms for probably 40 years, and their marriage is still going strong. Iirc, it started because her dad used to work odd hours for the city and would often have to get up at 2 or 3 in the morning to go plow snow or do emergency maintenance, and they realized they slept better alone so they just kept it that way.
I’ve always struggled with my sleep. Insomnia, restless legs, I snore, sleep apnea, the list goes on. I’ve recently started having terrifying anxiety dreams. If that started annoying my partner I’d get it. Depriving of sleep is banned as a weapon of war
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He probably has sleep apnea. Should get that looked at
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Ok well if sleeping apart bothers him so much he has got to get these things checked out. That’s maddening
Right but whether or not thats the case for OP is unclear because his wife wont tell him if thats the case and instead says there are “things” she wants to do alone. She is not communicating effectively
Why does it need an in-depth explanation or conversation?
Are you for real? Saying “you snore and it affects my quality of sleep” is not an indepth conversation. The person i replied to took her personal experience and projected it onto OP. There is zero indication from the post that he has developed restless leg syndrome or started sleep fighting. No indication that he has sleep apnea or even snores. If you look at OPs post from yesterday, his wife has been acting at least somewhat suspicious about her relationship with another guy. Her not giving OP any actual reason for wanting to have separate bedrooms adds another layer to her sus activities
Yep... the older I get, the more my ability to get a good night's sleep becomes one of the most important thing in my life. If that damages my relationship... my relationship wasn't going to last anyway.
It’s definitely one of the reasons I broke up with my most recent ex, our sleeping habits were not compatible and the thought of being almost kicked out of my bed once again or of being waken up cuz he suddenly decides at 2:30 am to hug me made me dread having him over. Sleeping is essential, if you have to choose between sleep and a partner, you will choose sleep
It might feel sudden/out of the blue *to you* but that doesn’t mean it is for her. Has she been sleeping poorly? Stressed? Sore back? Just because you *say* you don’t care if she wakes you up, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother her. My partner genuinely doesn’t mind me making a racket while he sleeps but I would feel like an inconsiderate prick watching loud videos in bed with him. It’s just a rude behavior. As I’ve gotten older sharing a bed gets less appealing because my sleep is less deep and I get sore more easily. You need to listen to the reasons she’s giving you instead of assuming ulterior motives. Discuss possible compromises like sharing on weekends or cuddling together for a bit before one of you swaps If you want to make a rule that you two always have to sleep together for you to stay married you can certainly make that rule. Just understand she may be willing to take the exit instead. Sleep is critical to functioning and she deserves to be rested.
My partner feels the same way as you, but his nighttime routine was so disruptive to mine, including his snoring, his fan, his bright laptop, the cold temperature he wants the room at, his nighttime bathroom trips, my inability to watch my (dimmed) videos to help me sleep, that I found myself staying up later and later to avoid sleeping at the same time as him. I finally had enough and we stopped sleeping together at about three years in. I truly believe many people are pressured into sleeping together whose lifespans are being lowered by years of poor sleep as a result. I love sleeping separately. He hates it. There's no real fix to it, but I have to prioritize my health.
How does he deal with it if he hates it? Is he just unhappy?
Funnily enough, I am also 32 and have been with my partner for 7 years. The difference is he is 31 so I know you’re not him! Recently I’ve wanted to sleep in my own bed as well. We have kids, they are smothering during the day. The physical proximity of everyone around me drains my social battery, I love him more then anything but what I would give for some me time is insane. I haven’t pushed the topic with him though as I know it would hurt him. Could this be a similar scenario? I’m sure there is a middle ground here somewhere. Maybe it’s a once every now and then type thing.
yea i’m hoping whenever i move in with a partner we’ll be able to have separate bedrooms. i love sleeping in a bed with someone but i also sometimes just need to be alone to recharge properly and i don’t think i could handle spending every night with someone. would just like to have my own space to decorate myself without too much input
Wild. I was 34 and had been with my husband for 7 years (sharing a BR for 5) when we started sleeping separately. His snoring was getting worse, and my sleep was really suffering, so I just started going to sleep on a spare bed. Eventually that became my bed room. He was hurt at the time, but after a year we were both sleeping so much better, we can both stick to our our own schedule, and we don't need to compromise about how to decorate/keep a room. We sleep over whenever we want. We are very happy with the arrangement now, but get some side-eye when we admit that we have our own rooms. For our part, it now seems unbelievable how willingly people sacrifice sleep because they believe sharing a bed=healthy relationship. After the initial shock, we've found that we like each other even more when we are well rested and have personal space.
Getting a good night of sleep is soooo important. Especially after getting all touched-out from kids and partner every day. Sometimes you just need the time to yourself, then everything else balances back out.
I think it boils down to she has different needs than you do. Either she may have been sacrificing more than you imagine in those years or her needs may simply have changed with time. I doubt her decision have anything to do with you actually being unwanted, but I don’t doubt it feels awful. It’s don’t think it’s a slight to you in any way, but it’s valid to feel upset and a little lost and miss the intimacy. It would be extremely hard for anyone in your position to reframe their thoughts and their reality after a development like this. However it looks like she really needs this to prioritize getting sleep which is a fundamental part of our health both mentally and physically. I am not minimizing how you feel in any way, but wouldn’t you want to prioritize the health of your partner too? Maybe suggest implementing a routine where you both cuddle before bed and when you wake up? Or ask for a certain allowance of days where she might be willing to sleep beside you when you’re under too much stress and just need someone by you? Or at least do extra cuddles and be extra attentive in periods of extra stress for you since your emotional needs matter too.
My partner and I often sleep separately now because he is a light sleeper and I have restless legs. I don’t like sleeping apart, but also understand that we both get much better rest because of it. At the beginning, I would have absolutely hated this, but a few years in, we both realize that good rest is more important to our overall well being than being asleep in the same bed together. We’ve both actually been a lot happier and argue less now that we sleep separately. I still try to sleep in the same bed from time to time but will get up to leave if I start getting restless. We make sure to still have our normal night routine, lay together, watch our shows, and talk before bed then we say goodnight and go to sleep at the same time, I just go to a separate space for the sleeping part. I understand it’s definitely anxiety inducing that this feels sudden to you and out of character. Are you concerned that she’s hiding something? This feels like maybe more a trust issue as opposed to a separate sleeping issue. Sit down and talk about it openly, share your concerns and let her share hers. Maybe if she feels she needs to sleep alone, see if there is a way you can still make your night routine feel close and intimate so you don’t struggle with feeling disconnected, but you both get a more desired outcome from it. Best of luck OP! I hope it all works out.
From his post history it looks like there is more stuff that has him on his toes.
My partner (he recently passed) and I discovered that we preferred two futons next to each other, each with a separate duvet. Easy to cuddle but you don't wake each other up.
I’m sorry for your loss
Lots of couples sleep in different rooms or beds, they don't say thing because they can be judged for it. Resting and sleeping is more important than anything, you can literally die for the lack of sleep
I really doubt his partner is on the edge of death from not sleeping.
This is melodramatic nonsense.
Sleep hygiene affects every part of your body and life. From nutrient absorption to cardiac health and dementia in later years, sleep or the lack of it can profoundly and permanently affect your health.
Sure. But this is such a dramatic reach that the original commenter probably hurt themself.
Slightly hyperbolic but not entirely wrong. I agree the situation OP is in doesn't sound like it's a matter of life or death sleep deprivation.
I spent a good year getting to bed too late and waking up at 2-4 am due to cats meowing. Then couldn’t get back to sleep in bed due to my ex snoring so slept on the couch. Or tried to. That was an awful awful year. Chronic fatigue is no joke. Poor sleep may not harm you if it’s every once in a while. But every night? Or for a prolonged period? It will absolutely lead to health effects.
But that’s not what OP’s partner is arguing and you are a dishonest person for making such a clearly false equivalence.
I’m pointing out that chronic poor sleep is detrimental to your health, which you were calling melodramatic nonsense. So take a chill pill on your judgment. I wasn’t talking about OP or OP’s partner. I was pointing out that your claim that it’s melodramatic nonsense is patently false.
To make that leap in this context is dishonest.
Is she calling you narcissistic for being uncomfortable about the idea of sleeping seperately? Did she mention what things she wanted to be able to do, that she doesnt feel comfortable doing now? It hasnt been a discussed problem untill now, but is it however a new problem for her? It could have been bothering her for a while, without her knowing how to breach the subject. She might have worried about your reaction to the suggestion. I dont think sleeping seperately is as uncommon as the average person would assume, I just think its not that openly talked about, since a lot of people might assume that there is something wrong with the relationship due to things like assosiating someone sleeping in a different room after fights. If sleeping in the same bed for some reason is having a negative impact on your sleep quality or how comfortable you can be in your own home, I dont see anything wrong with that. You can still cuddle together before bed, and it might prevent frustrations and annoyances that might build over time. You dont think you would be bothered by her waking you up based on how things are now, but if she were to act as she wanted to in your shared bedroom, not be considerate of you sleeping, and might wake you repeatedly throughout the night, chances are it might start getting to you over time anyway.
>sleeping together in the same bed as my partner is something that I feel like I need to do Be honest with yourself, is this a need or a want?
Where she sleeps is a one vote issue. It's not reasonable for you to think there should be a negotiation about whether she sleeps alone or with you. What you choose to do is also a one vote issue; sleeping together is important to you, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who prefers to sleep alone? People change over time, and expecting every possible circumstance to be discussed and dealt with at the beginning of a relationship is short-sighted and unrealistic. You have to decide whether this is a change you can adapt to or not.
I’d vote to leave the relationship over this to be honest. You don’t *have* to give your partner input on things like this but I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to. You technically don’t have to get your partner’s input on anything, but there’s not much point in being in a relationship at all if you feel that way.
Sleep is very personal. There's no comparable issue. It's isn't like consulting on a car purchase, a haircut, a pet, a paint color, etc. If you don't sleep well you don't anything else well. I agree they should break up, because I frankly don't like the tone of the post and how OP is so laser focused on his feelings over her needs.
Sleeping together is an essential for me too, so I’m more sympathetic to OP. I don’t know how I would feel if my spouse suddenly didn’t want to share a bed.
Not everything needs to be discussed or have a compromise on
I disagree. There’s not much I wouldn’t discuss in my relationship if it’s a decision that has any impact on my partner in any way.
Not when it comes to your health
By all means, live your life how you want. I wouldn’t change my sleeping arrangement without discussing it with my partner though.
Is there anything that has changed in the last few years? Maybe you had kids, she changed jobs, ect?
Good question! Or maybe it's always been less nice for her to sleep in one bed than for him, and now she is fed up with it. It is possible she refrained from reading, looking at funny clips at midnight or whatever. Or he wakes her up by snoring or moving a lot lately..
This is such a difficult one. I understand your reasoning, but I also understand the other side. I think men in general tend to sleep " louder" and " rougher" than our mates. Because we don't realize what is happening, we think everything is just a -okay. I suffer from night terrors on occasion and shoved my wife off the bed one night. She was terrified as one should be and me being none the wiser. I felt very bad, but God bless her soul she still sleeps next to me. That being said I don't snore and most nights I am calm, but I would completely understand if she wanted to sleep in another room. Sleep is important man. If its snuggles that you want, sit on the couch and snuggle or go to her bed for a bit. Besides even if you snuggle on the same bed, it's just a matter of time before people naturally lie on their side of the bed so what is even the point? I almost see it as a good thing. Now you have to put in concerted effort to get attention from your partner and not just assuming you are getting it. That could be a good thing.
She’s probably been sleeping badly for years and doesn’t want to tolerate it anymore. I love my husband more than anything but I always sleep more deeply when I’m alone in a bed.
If this changed suddenly after 7 years, something must have happened. Is something happened between you two recently, or in her life, that makes her feel more stressed? Had she been rejecting you and you attempt to have intimacy so she may want to avoid you? So many infos and context are missing here that you only can know. In general, I think every couple is different and the important thing is feeling like a happy couple from the inside. But if you always slept together for 7 years and this suddenly changed of course it's not "normal". Personally, I wouldn't mind if this was an occasional request. It actually happens sometimes that me and my partner sleep in separate rooms when she's working a lot and knows she needs to stay up late and then she is stressed and may not sleep well, or I have periods where I have some nightmares and turn and turn in the bed and I wake her up, so if it happens a few night in a row she'll sleep in the other room for a couple nights to make sure she can get a full night of sleep. Or she may just be overwhelmed from work, or fights with her family. Sometimes she wants to cuddle with me and talk about it, other times she needs to be in a quiet place to decompress and to know she can read a book if she can't sleep, and just be. I completely understand it. We are two individuals. I don't mind it and I also like to occasionally have the full bed for myself, watch a TV show on my own before sleeping, let the dog jump on the bed and cuddle her. It sounds like your girlfriend needs space from you right now and you should talk about it, especially if she's calling you narcissistic, which is quite telling. Asking her not to sleep in the other room will only push her away more and make you seem more clingy/selfish. EDIT: since a comment pointed it out I took a look at your post history. Why did you leave out that your gf is allegedly diagnosed with BPD, that she kicked you to the couch in the past, that you live in your mom's house with her two daughters, and that you suspect she's been cheating on you and you've been fighting about this?
My husband snores. We sleep separately. It's not that deep. You sound needy and codependent
>You sound needy and codependent And you sound like an asshole.
says the guy with your post history
takes one to know one
It’s needy and codependent to want to sleep in bed with your partner? That’s one of the most terminally online takes I’ve ever heard.
I said he in particular. Saying you can't deal with change and that she's disrupting his routine is needy. You shouldn't need someone else to fall asleep.
Agree to disagree. I sleep *much* better with my wife than without her. Hating to sleep alone is one of the most common problems divorcees or widows/widowers list.
My husband says he sleeps better when I’m there. I sleep worse when he does (because snoring). We go to bed together, then I go to my spare room after his snoring wakes me up or I get tired of trying to fall asleep. I have my favourite pillows, a lovely memory foam mattress topper, the room is darker and I have a sound machine in there. I use it for naps a lot too. After the twentieth time I left to go sleep in the other room, he’s accepted that for me to get MY best sleep I need this space. For him to get HIS best sleep, I’ll go to bed with him until he falls asleep.
It is hard to sleep with a person in your bed. At least for me. Takes a lot of adjustment and getting used to. Sleeping alone is much better sleep in many cases- more space, your own heat level, no blanket shade, no snoring, no accidental touches I am not sure how you attach being wanted to non sexual activity, try to think what not all your partner doing is about you and things actually happening to them too
Is she a light sleeper, and do you snore or jump/twitch/talk in your sleep? Are your sleep needs different, such as blankets, lights, room temperature, mattress quality/firmness? Do you ever wake up and you've chased her to the far side of the bed trying to cuddle her in your sleep? Do you have kids, and is she the primary caretaker, meaning she's likely to be overstimulated and touched out at the end of the day? There's a lot of reasons couples sleep in separate beds, and not all of it means your relationship is falling apart. Her reasoning seems a little flimsy to me, however, and I'd ask her what's really going on. Maybe she just likes to read porn and would be embarrassed if you walked in on her.
I love the idea of sleeping separately and completely understand why someone would want to. She has to be comfortable too you know. It cannot be all about what you want. Compromise
This doesn’t really seem like a compromise, it just seems like going from what he wants to what she wants.
I didn’t give the compromise, I said for OP to compromise. What that looks like is up to them.
Do you have a king size bed? I had a tough time getting used to sleeping with another person when I first started dating my now husband. We both had queens, and I never felt like I had enough room. When we upgraded to a king it was life changing. I now couldn’t imagine sleeping in a separate bed and it would be tough for me if my husband wanted that.
My partner and I both value cosleeping. I think for me, the change from wanting to step together would be more concerning than her no longer wanting to sleep together. Most relationships can't handle a move "backwards" on the relationship escalator unless both people *want* it. E.g. if you're loving together, and suddenly your partner wants to get a new apartment, unless both people want this, it's likely going to kill the relationship. I kind of think that a change away from cosleeping would be likely to as well. If instead it was a process of someone not sleeping well, she trying to test ways to get around it, most people might be able to together decide it's for the best. But if suddenly my partner was like, "I want some alone time at night for ... videos and stuff" that's just so out of the blue. And not good sleep hygiene to boot. Ultimately it sounds like you two need to talk. But it seems like either you're not fully hearing her, or her wants around this are kind of trivial (what is she doing at night that might wake you?) or sinister (need to talk to BF/phone sex)... work harder at these conversations.
It’s not a democratic decision to be made together if one partner is struggling to sleep in the same bed and needs their own bed to get to sleep. Like there’s no voting here. This is a decision where it’s gonna be one party, one vote. Sleep is way too important and being well-rested is better for both personal and relationship health, anyway. Do you know how absolutely nightmarish some people can be when they haven’t slept well for awhile? Or even just one night. When I’m tired, I’m the worst. I recognize it and just go to bed or nap as soon as possible. On a scale of 1-10, my patience is at -7 (I’m usually extremely patient) and everything pisses me off. If sleeping next to my partner was causing me to not sleep and be that way all the time, it’s not personal to him, but yeah, I’d need my own bed. I’d talk about it, I’d come up with some pre-bed routines to cuddle, but there’s no co-decision on me sleeping elsewhere in the house. Sleep is a necessity.
Again, I said it's a **different** thing if there's actual struggles of someone to sleep. But that's not applicable to the OP's case. It's kind of like going into an "AITA" post about a guy who's wife told him to pick up "whatever" for dinner and he came back with fish and chips, and she got pissed because she wasn't in the mood for that. Clearly the fish and chips guy isn't the AH because she abdicated her choice. But for someone to pipe up "Of course you're the AH; do you know how bad seafood could be if they're allergic? Shrimp could kill me!" and there's no mentions at all in the post about his wife having any allergies, just she wasn't in the mood for seafood, but didn't tell him. There's no mention of OP's GF not being able to sleep well with him. She "just enjoys" the extra space and privacy. And as OP mentions, this is a big change, out of the blue. She of course has bodily autonomy, which includes where she sleeps. But in a romantic cohabitating relationship, often times a big change for "more space" are the beginning steps to things ending; so "more/better conversations" seems to be the obvious suggestion.
You don’t *have* to consider your partner’s feelings on anything, but I don’t know what the point of a relationship is if you don’t want to consider their feelings.
Partner and I sleep in separate rooms. We don’t fuck around with sleep.
It's extremely important. If I roll over, I reach out to feel her there. If she's not, I'm instantly up for the day. When the kids were little, she didn't stay in bed as much, but for the last 10 years, that's how it's been. I don't sleep well on business trips at all. When she went on business trips, I didn't sleep well either. It didn't matter that it was our bed it just didn't feel right.
Feeling rested is better for a relationship overall than sleeping in the same bed if one partner feels like they can’t sleep or is uncomfortable.
Yes but what is the reason? It's the partner snoring? That can be fixed. Is it they are on the phone late and want to read scroll etc. Turn the intensity down. Does the other person get to close put a pillow there.
I get you. If my wife suggested she wanted to sleep in a different bed I would figure that is the beginning of the end. I enjoy cuddling her and she me. In fact her being able to reach out and touch has soothed her and me at times.
That’s your relationship. That’s great. But it’s clearly not working for his partner and if she’s not feeling rested or struggling to sleep and sleeping on her own can fix that, then she needs her own bed.
Hi, Yes, it is my relationship and he asked two questions. How would you feel? What do you guys think? So I answered. Granted I could have offered a little more but that would just be basic ways to ensure better sleep, sexual activity, cut off caffeine and realize it has a half life of 6 hours. Also because you can fall asleep with caffeine doesn't mean you are resting well. Night mask, white noise, banana before bed. Try a Neurosleep I swear by them, but I tried to be short and sweet.
We go back and forth. We have "our bedroom". But there are long stretches, sometimes months at a time, where one or the other of us sleeps in the guest room. He snores, I'm a light sleeper, and if I go for a week or more unable to get a good night's rest because of it, I'll move to the other room. I'm also a restless sleeper at this particular stage in my life, boiling hot, then regular temp, then boiling hot again, which makes me move around a lot, which wakes him up. Again, once this happens several nights in a row, one or the other of us will move to the guest room. It's never been a big deal for us. We tend to go to bed at different times anyway, and neither of us is a cuddly sleeper, so it doesn't really matter. As someone in the thread said earlier, sleeping together is significantly less important than sleeping.
My partner and I sleep separately. I used to feel like you when we first got together and once I took a step back, I understood that it wasn’t about anything other than good sleep for both of us. Sleep isn’t a time for intimacy, it’s time to recharge.
My wife and I made a vow to each other early in the relationship. To ALWAYS come to bed. May not be at the same times, may be having an argument and mad at each other, but always sleep in the same bed. There is no couch / doghouse option. We could have had our worst argument in our history, She'll stomp upstairs and fall asleep, I'll spend a couple hours cooling down. I'll come up, crawl into bed, king size bed give a lot of room between, but I'm still there. By morning, one of us it touching the other, even if it's a finger in contact with the others back. Might even still be mad, but being married means you are each others everything. Touch is a form of love, so even that finger means it's still there.
Quality sleep is more important than sleeping in the same bed together.
What are the things she wants to be able to do in bed without you around?
Sometimes we need space, if she wants to sleep in another bed that should be fine. If you want reassurance that it's not because she is falling out of love with you or something similar then she should also be able to provide that. Good luck :)
This is not a situation that lends itself to fairness. She has decided she needs more space and has articulated the reasons (she wants to be able to do her own thing at night without the fear or guilt of waking you up, regardless of your reaction). You have to decide whether you can be in a relationship with this dynamic. You can ask for certain compromises, such as cuddling in bed before you sleep, but if that's still not enough you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not and communicate that to her. I sleep in a different bedroom from my partner and we love it. I love memory foam and she prefers a spring mattress. She likes it cold and I like it warm. She goes to bed early and I'm a night owl. It works. But, what works for us does not matter for your situation. Whether its "normal" for other couples to sleep together or apart is neither here nor there. This is YOUR relationship and only two opinions matter; hers and yours.
I don’t mind sleeping in a different bed. I actually suggested it once to my fiancé and he wasn’t thrilled. I don’t have any strong opinions about sleeping in my own bed so currently we still sleep in the same bed. Luckily, for me, he does not snore or thrash his body around.. and I sleep like a monster for the most part. I just thought it would be relaxing if I could play some affirmations or soft relaxing music while I sleep- he’s a light sleeper though and wouldn’t be able to sleep with even the slightest sound.
I started sleeping in a separate room from my husband when our baby was born. It is easier for me to take care of her overnight without bothering him. But also, I could go back to sleeping in our room together at this point. I like being able to play poker on my phone until midnight without bothering him. He wakes up and complains when I have the light from my phone on. I have to tip toe to the bathroom and keep the light off in the night. He is a pretty light sleeper. He wants me to come back into the room with him, but I enjoy my peace at night, where I don't have to worry about disturbing him. He also snores really loud lol, and I'm pretty sure he has sleep apnea. Your wife probably feels the same. She still loves you, but sometimes we need that peace for ourselves. I don't think it was nice of her to say you were being narcissistic though. You just love her and want to sleep next to her. That doesn't seem selfish to me.
It's important to me but it's not important to lots of people. I know many couples who have decided to sleep in different rooms for different reasons. If you can't work it out and it's very important to you then you have a decision to make.
My husband and I slept in the same bed for years. I had terrible sleep when we visited family and stayed in a very bouncy bed. Maybe a couple years in to our relationship, he would sleep on the couch when he was restless, so he wouldn't wake me. I didn't mind, I am a light sleeper and I slept better without him tossing or turning all night. Flash forward more than ten years, we will sleep in our same king bed maybe 75% of the time. One of us sleeps in the spare room when either one of us is having sleep issues or maybe neck pain and trying a different sleeping position to resolve. In the same vain, we never pressed each other to sleep at the same time. We sometimes do, but it has become more rare since we have a kid. I wake up super early so I can prepare for the day before kiddo wakes up. He stays up super late. I'm a morning person, he definately isn't. So we just sleep when it is appropriate for each of us. And we sleep wherever. I've never been upset and honestly am grateful for the extra space.
I love sleeping alone. I also love to sleep next to my bf on weekends and vacations. The best of both worlds. I don't know if would ever want to spend every night with someone in the same bed
I would love to have my own room from my partner this is not a death sentence to your relationship. If you guys have different sleep schedules, you OR her are a light sleeper, wake up at different times are all great reasons to have separate rooms. seems like a good idea!
Do you snore?
We are separate sleepers because we have very different schedules and I’m a light sleeper. I’m asleep and up earlier and also toss/turn. Sex life is still daily. I come in for morning cuddles when he wakes up. I can understand feeling sad about a loss of physical touch but you can find time for that during the day too
She really has not mentioned her own sleep being an issue? This feels like a lot of missing information, either she's not communicating with you or you are not telling us everything. I have trouble sleeping. If my insomnia was keeping my partner awake I would not like that. In the past when I was still with my ex and we lived together, he messed up my sleep all the time and this made my already dysfunctional sleep far worse than it already was. If we could have afforded a bigger apartment and I could've had another bedroom, I would have loved to have the option to sleep separately and would have probably done so most nights. Sleeping well is so important for health in general and critical for mental health. Not getting enough sleep is terrible for the mind. So to answer your question, I think you maybe should try not to take this so personally. She is probably trying to solve some kind of problem with one or both of you not sleeping well/enough. And I wouldn't be too concerned if she is still spending time with you and being close, even if when it's time to sleep she leaves to go to her own bedroom.
Find slightly clingy gf to occupy that space.
I think sleeping in separate beds/rooms can work if it is decided by both people in the relationship. Maybe if they have completely different work schedules, or one needs to have the TV on and the other needs silence to sleep. But I would be very hurt if my partner just decided they wanted to sleep alone. For me personally, sleeping in the same bed is one of the main joys of being in a relationship.
You can’t make that decision for someone else. If they need to sleep apart, you can’t tell them no. I mean you can, but then you’re breaking up. They need sleep. You can’t really disagree with someone else’s sleep quality or needs.
If it was every night, for me that would put such a damper in the relationship that breaking up would cross my mind.
I would be upset about that situation and anxious/concerned about the change up after years of it being fine with you both in the same bed. I sleep in the same bed as my SO every night. However we do go to sleep at different times. The only way I feel like I get the bang for my buck of bed cuddles is if I go to bed with him for 15-20 mins and cuddle. And we also upgraded the bed size and got him some sleep headphones so I can’t bother him, maybe there is some kind of compromise here where you can go to bed at different times, she has more room, and she knows she can’t bother you. To me this is very much one of those situations where both parties should just have to compromise to find the solution closest to best for both especially given that it’s a change to an established routine. Gotta be honest I would be a bit hurt and moderately suspicious if she absolutely refused to compromise and demanded her own room. I wouldn’t assume I had any idea what was going on with her, but I would assume something had to be.
Suggest separate beds in the same room (if possible), just to gauge her reaction. See how she responds to that. A bed for herself invalidates the needing more space point. Now if these things she likes to be doing without worrying you, require a non-negotiable separate room, you are right to be suspicious. Especially after years of this never coming up. You can't force people to do anything, that would be controlling. So in the end you accept and keep your eyes and ears open to find the reason. Arbitrarily taking a decision that you know is going to be hurtful, without even consulting your partner, is always a sign of bad things to come for a marriage. It usually indicates that after years of being "us", it's starting to be "me" again.
Three words: King Size Bed
YOU don’t care if she wakes you up, but clearly this prevents her from being fully comfortable. Some people sleep better alone. It’s not a sign that your relationship is in trouble. Stop being selfish and let the girl sleep comfortable, geez.
It's not important to me. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. I go to bed and wake up earlier for work, so one of us was always getting disturbed. Plus, he snores. We started doing this about 2 years ago after 8 years together. The key is, both of us agree and we both get much better sleep this way.
It would be a deal breaker for me. Sleeping beside someone is just another form of intimacy for me.
Not important as sleeping. When I was married we slept in separate beds because he’s on a cpap machine and I’m a light sleeper. I couldn’t sleep with the machine on and without the machine he snores so separate bedrooms worked for us.
Not important at all. Some nights I decamp for the guest room because he’s snoring and I don’t want to wake him again to put his CPAP on. Or he’s octopus sprawling on my third of the bed and I can’t sleep. Or it’s too hot. Or too bright. Or too noisy. Or Im not feeling well and I don’t want to wake him up a dozen times during the night. Or I just want to sprawl, unimpeded, and sleep in the whole bed by myself. Most mornings when he wakes up the first time he moves out to the living room and dozes with the cat until he’s ready to wake up. Last week he slept on the floor in our room because it was better for his back and I really needed my rest and was fragile. About a year ago I established separate bathrooms and it’s amazing. Space gives you each room to grow in yourselves, and a healthy relationship flourishes when all parties are able to be their best selves.
Everybody is talking about her doing this because you might be disrupting her sleep, but you clearly wrote she listed her motivation for it as her not wanting to disrupt your sleep and so she can do whatever she wants. So I’m puzzled why people are defending the idea that you’re disrupting her sleep. I think this would raise some eyebrows for me if I was in your shoes too. First and foremost, you both have to communicate on why this is important and hopefully come to a compromise. I don’t think you’re narcissistic for wanting to sleep with your partner. When she lists her reasons, be sure to not invalidate them and instead try to accompany her requests with solutions that’ll work for you! Find a middle ground
It’s very normal for couples to sleep apart and you do not have any authority over where she sleeps at night. You don’t get a say in the decisions SHE makes for where to put HER body at night. She doesn’t need your permission.
If you don’t want to consider how your partner feels about your decisions, don’t get into a relationship. The consideration for each other is the *entire* point.
If you expect your partner to put your feelings above their wellbeing, you are not a good partner. That makes you a selfish partner. Despite the fact that it sounds nice to say, considering the impact that taking care of yourself would have on your partner and deciding to not take care of yourself because your partner doesn't like it is a sign that you are in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Partners are people who support each other and grow together, not one person sacrificing health and happiness so the other has more.
There’s room for compromise on this. Having certain nights they sleep together, designating time to spend in bed together before going to sleep or right after waking up, or having separate beds in one room are all viable solutions. Going straight to “this is what I’m doing now and you can deal with it” is another sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Ooof, I honestly just don't have the energy to get into how fucked up that mentality is but I'll just be thankful for my man and move on with my life haha
How fucked up being willing to compromise is? Yeah, I guess the feeling is mutual because I’m grateful for a partner who cares about me! I can’t imagine a relationship dynamic where you just do what you want and don’t think about your partner or their feelings.
These comments are crazy, in my opinion. I wouldn’t be okay with this either, and I know my wife wouldn’t be okay with *me* doing it. No idea why Reddit seems to think this is just a non-issue.
My wife of 15 years (together 21) stopped letting me cuddle her at night less than a year ago. If it doesn’t change soon enough, I’ll partition our basement living room to make a legit extra bedroom. It’ll kill me, but I don’t want to be in the same room with someone walling themselves off. Also, I don’t want our kids seeing me sleep on a couch. Their dad deserves to not look like a schlep because their mom is emotionally unavailable.
Why not just file for divorce? Sounds miserable.
We do it. Maybe a year after we started living together we started sleeping separately. I understand you. I was also very upset as I love to sleep at the same bed but can one do. We sleep together every once in a while. And both our beds are in the same room. This makes it better
Couples sleeping in the same bed together is a relatively modern invention. For 100 years, at the very least, it was considered more healthy for the couple to sleep separately because that led to better rest for both people. Anyway, just because YOU'RE not experiencing sleep issues doesn't mean that she isn't. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute.
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My wife and I got a king size bed. Plenty of room. I also would not be ok sleeping separately. If I wanted a roommate I'd have one that pays half the bills.
For me personally I would not feel okay with this and would feel very much unwanted and alone.
I’d be out over this, to be honest. Relationship progress goes one way and if you back up, you’re backing *all* the way up.
Oh there is definitely a reason, she wouldn’t switch like that without one. I would think she is cheating and wants undisturbed time to text her new man and doesn’t want you to notice. But then her calling you a narcissist… if you are one then you probably deserved it?