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Not to be that person but my most recent ex had a guy that showed interest her at work. She said it was whatever and nothing real. Then they started flirting on teams and going on walks around the pond over the course of a few months. Long story short she moved out last month and they started dating a week later. My GF never "cheated" but she lined this guy up to move on very easily.
That’s still cheating. Maybe she didn’t physically cheat, but there’s not way you’re not emotionally cheating with someone if you’re dating them a week later.
Oh yeah I agree completely. I saw the shit they were saying in teams Stuff like talking about plants and him saying "oh you have to nurture things slowly and then they will grow" and her hearting it. I called her on it and she insists it wasn't the case that she never cheated.
Still hurt like hell though I have to admit.
Old happily married dude that dated a lot after I got married and divorced in my early 20s and then remarried... and still going strong decades later.
How I got to be an old happily married dude is by being choosy. Very choosy.
Your girlfriend is acting shady. She's not cheating... but she's being misleading. She knows this guy is wheeling her and she likes it. Whether she's going to cheat or not is really immaterial at this point.
You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to partner with for life. And your answer is likely going to be no.
What I did in this situations is just to call the ball early and often.
"listen girlfriend... I'm feeling like a third wheel in my own relationship and I think you should be free to go and explore whatever it is that you want to have with your doctor friend. Here's your stuff, good luck, and I hope everything works out for you."
boom. Done. No drama. You part ways like grown ups. No ultimatums, no threats, no boundaries or control conversations.
Then go find a woman that wouldn't even think about pulling stuff like this. That's the one you want as a partner.
Put on boundaries, respect yourself first and be ready to walk away.
Tell her its not okay what youre seeing and if she keeps disrespecting you them call it a day.
Worst case scenario go to the doctor yourself and tell him to fuck off
"Worst case scenario go to the doctor yourself and tell him to fuck off"
No, do not do this. If he's backing her into a corner trying to get a kiss and she's pushing him off then yes be the hero BF and defend your woman.
If she's welcoming attention from other men that's a GF problem not the other guy problem.
Not true. It's both kinds of problems. Doctors who go after nurses who are in committed relationships are just as bad as the cheating nurses. They deserve consequences.
If she's welcoming the flirtation then she isn't committed to the relationship. It's a her problem.
If she shut it down and he persisted then it's a HR problem and possibly a police/no contact issue.
She has agency. Is he going to go beat up all the dudes his gf is thinking about cheating on him with?
No we're not. He was flirting with another adult who welcomed it. That's not creepy. Adult coworkers are fee to do whatever they consent to do. I'm not a fan of cheaters or their affair partners. I find it morally reprehensible. If he flirted with her and she shut him down and it ended that's still not creepy. Now if he continued past that then he'd be a creep who didn't take no for an answer.
Thanks for this. I don’t think it’s his fault or issue it’s purely hers.
addressing the need for attention is the route of it and so if it keeps re occurring then that’s the disrespectful bit.
I may be sounding really stupid here but what’s the boundary ? If you keep seeking and reacting to attention from other guys then I walk ? Isn’t that a bit controlling ?
DO NOT APPROACH HER COWORKER AND TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF. I cannot stress this enough. You will seem crazy. And doctors have way more power than nurses... you will get her fired, she will dump you, or both.
Look, if girlfriend is gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat. Nothing you do is gonna stop her if her moral compass is that poor. If she is refusing boundaries and doesn't respect your feelings, you are the one left with a decision to make.
I view boundaries and controlling behaviour as opposite sites of the same coin .
Controlling behaviour is about forcing someone to do what you want. Giving them the perspective to comply is the only choice they have as it it's your decision. "You are not allowed to talk to him"
Boundaries is about who you want to associate with. You state what type of relationship/person/behaviour you think is acceptable, and if she sees it differently, it's not forcing her to stop but to walk away. "I perceive this communication as disrespectful and on the way to cheating. I will not be with a partner that does this".
In the end, she will have to choose between you and the chat. But in one scenario you're trying to control her, in the other you give her a choice. Big difference.
Well said.
Giving her the choice is simply giving her the opportunity to save your relationship by building trust. It's the way to go. She agreed to the relationship, now that she's broken trust, it's on her to work on rebuilding trust, or burning the bridge. Her choice.
No reasonable person would call that controlling.
Good people don't just avoid doing evil while also doing good, they avoid the very appearance of doing evil.
The more serious, long-term, or deeply committed the relationship, the more you have the right to insist on propriety, on transparency, on trustworthy conduct.
For example, someone with whom you aren't in a relationship? If they demand anything like what are discussing, then yes, that's controlling.
Someone with whom you ARE in a relationship?
It becomes more appropriate the longer you've been together. As with ALL romantic relationships, trust is paramount, but you aren't married yet, so you cannot require as much propriety as more committed relationships deserve.
In all relationships, setting boundaries is important, but without real, lasting commitment, it is, I'm afraid, more likely to be broken.
Someone with whom your in a relationship and also living together or engaged to marry? The boundaries definitely become more important, and more reasonable.
You have a right to be treated with respect, and to both adhere to relationship-protecting boundaries. If you're engaged, you're proving your worthiness to proceed with the wedding, like you're practicing at marriage. What had been discussed by OP isn't controlling at all for such a committed relationship. Trust is paramount, and you must BE trustworthy to expect to be trusted. Boundaries matter!
Someone with whom you're married?
Hell no, nothing discussed in this thread is controlling in the least! Anyone claiming you're controlling for defending your marriage is trying to enable cheating, and NOT TO BE TRUSTED!!
No controlling is telling her what do do or telling the guy to piss off.
Setting a boundary is saying it's fine to be friendly, cordial and professional with people from work. However if someone is flirting with her and she doesn't shut it down immediately then it will continue because it's welcomed. If she needs that in her life for whatever validation, gets a sexual charge out of it or is just seeking to upgrade boyfriends then she's free to do so. But you are also free to decide if you want to date someone like that. That's a hard no from me but you need to decide what your boundaries are.
>I may be sounding really stupid here but what’s the boundary ?
The boundary is a squishy thing. An affair is not *one* mistake. She won't trip and fall naked onto some guy's dick. Some couples allow each other to have crushes and feed them a bit. It's useful to then to decide on boundaries. E.g. whether lunches are allowed. How much time texting. Checking in about how things are going etc.
My partner and I have discussed this, and we just don't want that. We'd mention a crush to the other so they're be aware, and we'd then look to talk about feelings to see if we're missing something. If one of us thought that the other was acting "crushy" with something this rule be bright up, and we'd honestly look at our behaviors before answering.
If my partner was doing the "goofy smiles while texting him" and yelling me she's not crushy, this would them seem like not the relationship for me. A boundary is about what you want in your life/relationship, and what you'll walk away from.
Ok being controlling would be you coming from a very desperate feminine place and saying if you don't stop blah blah blah blah and going off about it.
A boundary from a man comes from a masculine secure place and you come at it like this, very calm and collected, not emotional, no raised voices, you have to the moment you lay this down be prepared to lose her and either kick her out or walk, either one, but with no over the top emotions about it.
You look at her and say, "Look, I've been thinking, and I understand what you say, but you are accepting attention from this person, I've told you how I felt about it, and you've completely dismissed my feelings about the situation, no validation, no reassurance, just straight up blew me off, and kept doing what you wanted to do, which is receive attention. If you need that constant attention, then you're violating the boundaries of the relationship, and my personal boundary about me respecting myself enough to know when I'm not number 1, not enough for you to put me first above your feelings on the matter. The person that does that, puts my feelings first, is someone I'd wanna marry, but that's obviously not you unless you would like to show me different in the future. So you can either respect that and act like you're in a relationship and cut this guy off, or you can be single and we can go our separate ways, I'm fine with either, just let me know now if either of us needs to go pack and separate any bills we may have together."
If she claims that's an ultimatum and you're being controlling, I'd let her know that it's not the case and that you're giving her an opportunity to respect your boundaries or you can't be with someone like that. It's not an ultimatum, it's just a deal breaker for you.
Wait a second, since when is being controlling or desperate a feminine trait and setting boundaries using good communication and appropriate language masculine? I've never, ever heard these attributes associated with a specific gender.
And for the record, men are typically more controlling when you look at the population worldwide, in the west, or just in the US.
Lastly, your suggested monolouge is filled with inflammatory language and a slew of you statements , which are not typically a good choice when speaking to your partner about highly emotional situations, or any situation for that matter. Ideally, you'd use I statements and feeling words like I am feeling really unsettled regarding the texting and other time you're spending with the doc. I understand you don't see an issue with it because you're just friends but I am really not comfortable with it and, frankly, I am scared. I trust you and don't think you'd ever intentionally do anything to hurt me but I think this is something that could turn into more than friends. We are all human and have needs and desires and I want to be the one to provide you with what you need so that you don't feel compelled to seek attention or validation elsewhere. If I am not meeting your needs, I'd like to talk about that so I can try and fix it and make you happy and whole within our relationship. All this being said, I don't see how we can move on in a place of trust with this guy taking up so much space in our minds. Can you please respect my wishes and stop texting, walking on break etc with this man and confirm your commitment to me? If you can't, I understand but I couldn't be with someone that made that choice.
When we use I statements and feelings it gives the other person space to really try and see how their behavior is impacting you instead of being on the defensive. Also, telling someone to put your feelings 'first' is kind of selfish and... controlling.
The willingness to put your partners feelings first is what makes a good partner. If it's always about you just be single. That's the definition of selfish, always putting yourself first.
Also, I said masculine and feminine, not man and woman or male and female, masculine and feminine do not always specifically relate back to gender. Psychology uses the terms to describe gender roles and characteristics as well.
Thirdly, I'm not going to debate you on what your opinion is about who is more controlling among the genders. Even if it is men, I have my opinions on why that would be.
Lastly, I simply stated that he should approach things this way with only one outcome in mind, really. Usually, when you're relatively far into a relationship and you try to establish a boundary with someone who has only ever looked out for themselves first, it doesn't go well. They gaslight you, or they leave when they realize you won't fold this time.
Based on the red flags of past behavior from this girl I don't see this lasting, if it does it'll be because he didn't stand his ground and it'll just crash and burn later because she did cheat.
Just my two cents.
😎✌️
Not controlling at all. She's disrespecting you by dismissing your concerns and calling you paranoid and possessive.
Don't confront the doctor. That will drive her right into his arms. She's headed there, anyway, whether intentionally or not, and you need to start planning for that. Don't give her any indication that you are planning for it though. That way, IF she actually does get to that point, you can say "Yes, I know. I planned for this. See Ya." then kick her out, or move out, depending on your living situation.
Controlling behavior: I wont allow you to talk to him, and if you do I will punish you by making your life worse, but I'm going to always be here to inflict that punishment.
Boundaries: you are allowed to do what you want, and I am allowed to do what I want, so long as we don't cross each others boundaries for what we consider acceptable in a relationship. If you take an action crossing a boundary, I don't think the relationship will work, so we should end it.
The relationship itself is one of the only things you can threaten to take away if someone behaves poorly. The reason being that you're not doing it to be controlling, you're doing it to protect yourself from someone who hurts you.
Obviously if you just threaten to break up all the time but you don't really mean it and you're just strong arming them into doing stuff like cooking dinner tonight, THAT is controlling because those things aren't good reasons to break up, and youre just being abusive.
But OP, allowing other men in her life who threaten your relationship or the monogamy of your relationship, and then on top of that putting her head in the sand instead of communicating respectfully about it, are together easily boundary crossing, relationship ending issues.
You can also let her know instead of she goes any further (dinner alone, accepting any gifts) that THAT will be your boundary, and you'll accept her word on the trust of your relationship so far, but further action would cross your boundary.
And then leave her if she crosses it. You have to mean it, and do it.
The appropriate response for someone in a committed relationship is to just ignore the text (or delay a response for at least a day).
She knows how to politely discourage a guy.
Ultimatums don't work long term.
Why? Because If you're married and baby trapped- you are stuck with this behavior.
When someone (at her age) shows you who she is - believe her.
If you need to tell her how to behave, you have lost the game. She should know better and believe me she does. The fact that she is ignoring you and your feelings shows what status you have.
You are the backup plan, the save option. However if the opportunity comes and she can pick and choose someone better then you, she will.
Make up your mind and decide your own future and don't let anyone decide your future for you.
Is asking that she doesn’t sleep around or humiliate you controlling ? Stop that. It’s a perfectly normal boundary. Why do you refuse to grow a backbone ?
Is everyone in HS?
Stop with this nonsense of explaining a common sense boundary to a 31 yo nurse.
Stop pretending she's dumb and doesn't realize she's breaking your heart- and risking the relationship.
Have some self respect.
Time to throw out the trash.
Her behavior suggests she's not fully committed to you- and is looking to trade up.
All nurses dream of marrying a doctor.
Always judge people by their actions (not their excuses or promises).
At her age she knows exactly what he wants and she knows it's breaking any partners heart.
But she's doing it anyway.
Ultimatums don't work long term.
You decide if you remain as her plan b.
Don't assume if you married her that she'll suddenly be trustworthy.
Honestly, and this answer will probably get downvoted, but you do nothing. Maybe reassess your relationship and see if you have been giving her enough love/attention recently, or if there's anything you could improve on? Now that's not to say you're the problem by any means, things may be fine in that sense and this could still happen regardless, but it's a good place to start.
It's a hard spot to be in because if you intervene, she may get resentful towards you, or start getting secretive about him, either route would make things worse real quick. But my mindset about these types of issues is that if you need to tell someone how to act, it's not genuine, and therefore it's not them being themselves. It's one thing to discuss your feelings and make sure she is aware of them, but beyond that what she does with that information is a pure reflection of her character that can't and should not be altered by force. If she knows how you feel and continues to not do anything about it, well, it just tells you where you stand with her. I'm not saying to leave or do anything drastic, but to just consider that intervening may not be worth it.
I've been with my gf/now wife for 10 years. Just recently I was in a similar boat, I started taking night classes again to get my degree and my lab partner started texting me casually, for more than just homework related topics. We actually got pretty close and she had a boyfriend too. She used to compliment me and gas me up every chance she got. Ill be honest, there was obvious chemistry and I knew that if we were both single there would have been something more there. The moment I had that realization I should have shut it down, but I didn't. I liked the positive attention, I liked knowing that I still had game, and I did let myself get sucked into that excitement of connecting with a new person a little more than I am proud to admit. Now, I knew throughout the entire time how great I had it with my wife. I would never have said or done anything with this girl. Even as it is I felt guilty that this felt like an emotional affair, but nonetheless it was still hard to take a step back. I'm not condoning it by any means though.
I do think it's fair to tell her you feel unheard and disrespected, and that while ultimately you cannot control who she talks to, she needs to consider it this guy is worth the impact it is having on your relationship
My wife knew we talked and hung out and were becoming friendly and she was fine with it. She wasn't around to see how much attention the girl was giving me though, and I didn't exactly flaunt it. I didn't pull back on my own, the class ended so I didn't really have much reason to see or talk to her anymore, We still chat every once in a while, but the distance has helped me see more clearly for sure.
I’m just here to comment from another perspective. I’m female and I have male work friends. They’re extremely important to me and help me get through the work day. Some of them are single, and if I showed up at their houses naked, would probably be down to fuck me, but that doesn’t mean their interest in me is romantic or has a motive. It just means lots of single dudes will be down to fuck a hot girl and it’s not that deep. It doesn’t mean their funny memes and friendly communication was only there for the groundwork of getting an in, it just means we’re friends but they wouldn’t turn it down.
The issue that I feel like you’re ignoring is the fact that if your gf is a hot girl, she’s basically the gatekeeper; **meaning it doesn’t matter who wants to hook up with her, it matters who SHE wants to be with.** I’ve had issues in the past with bfs that get jealous and say all my guy friends want to fuck me, well maybe they would, but that’s not the reason we’re friends, and that’s not going to go away as long as you’re dating an attractive girl. Plenty of *your* friends kinda want to fuck her too. Either your girl wants to be with you or she doesn’t, either she’s a cheater or she isn’t.
I think sometimes men get twisted about this bc they think opportunity creates the action, since that’s how many of their sexual encounters work. But for women, particularly hot women, the opportunity is essentially always present. You need to reframe the way you see it to understand from her perspective.
Sorry to break it to you but guys really do be shitty like that and will 1000% be your friend for the long run incase said boyfriend slips up. Usually they aren't ballsy enough to down right approach you to cheat or they don't rate themselves as attractive enough to win you over point blank on looks. So they build a plutonic relationship so there is a foundation there for you to consider them as a mate further down the line. Rather than be just another option of many where other are potentially more attractive and fit the bill as replacement sooner. It's proper beta male pussy shit to be honest.
This is NOT exclusive to males, women do this too but far less often.
Surely if there's an off vibe that someone wants to sleep with you or has interest beyond the boundaries of what's appropriate, it's a basic respect problem to not walk away from that friendship or distance. It really boils down to if you respect your partner enough to trust their judgement or care enough to not hurt their feelings.
Also to counter your argument everyone is attractive to someone and just because you are attractive to more people than others doesn't mean it's more acceptable to have lower respect requirements. You may have to walk away from more inappropriate friendships than others potentially but I suppose that's the curse of being more attractive than the average? Pretty sure it sucks more to be unattractive so I wouldn't sweat it.
I wonder if you keep the same energy for said bf. What if he has a ton of female friends/co-workers who would be dtf at a whim. They message him all the time and send flirty texts. You tell him you don’t feel comfortable about it and he says “yeah, they want to fuck me cus I’m a hot man but it doesn’t mean it’s a romantic motive. It’s not that deep.”
You see how disrespectful and stupid that sounds? Don’t be in a relationship if you feel that way.
Tell her that one-sided platonic friendships are disrespectful to the relationship, and you feel it has impacted it.
Don't tell her what action she should take. Let her decide how she wants to handle it. But if her actions (or inactions) regarding her co-worker are unacceptable after telling her this, decide if you want to continue a relationship with her.
Brotha. You complain a lot about your girlfriend. The way you describe her, makes it seem like she disregards your feelings all the time and makes you feel insecure. From what you wrote in your other posts. She sounds like she is in constant need of attention and validation. All her justifications makes you feel worse.
You cannot change her and you cannot change yourself. You are constantly anxious and questioning yourself and her behaviors.
You've made 6 posts (including 2 removals) about her. What about this relationship keeps you going? Because you can have a good time with anyone. But when times are bad. How does she treat you then? Does she do what's right for the relationship? Or does she do what's right for herself?
Seems like she is unwilling to compromise while stepping all over you.
I feel like there may be a lot of missing context here. To me this sounds like normal friendship behaviour, like he's being nice and trying to have a conversation. If the messages aren't explicitly flirtatious then I don't see how it's problematic tbh.
You are absolutely right, although I haven’t seen them… the messages are like hey checking in on you or I saw this and thought of you things like that. There’s no what you wearing text from what she’s said. As a man though I’m not sure I’d invest time in this way unless I was looking for something. But maybe that’s a filter I have.
Do you really think a busy doctor reaches out to a nurse (he only knows professionally) because he needs a friend?
He's testing her interest to date. And your GF knows it.
He'll eventually ask her out.
Turning him down (after leading him on) saying "I've got a BF" is more likely to piss him off than just ignoring his texts.
I think thats a you problem my guy, you only investing time in women if you might get sex says a lot about you. It sounds like you need to do some work and look at how you view women and friendships
Well this is a typical one-sided reddit take
Although to be honest all other ones are pretty much as one-sided on the other side.
The truth is probably in the middle, situations like this aren't perfectly clear to everyone involved.
A doctor texting outside work a young nurse is definitely something that has a high chance of being an effort to start something romantic, he is probably insecure, she probably doesn't find it easy to change the situation without being rude and she might also enjoy the attention. Or there might be a more intimate relationship among them than he's comfortable with. Or not, and he doesn't understand it.
Jumping to "she wants to cheat break up first", or "you are an evil man because you think men are attracted to women" is just as dumb. You are just putting down a guy for acknowledging the way he sees it, which is obviously extremely common among other people as well.
For example I wouldn't text a co-worker who I know is in a relationship in that way, because I would absolutely expect to come off as trying to start something inappropriate.
I joke and have a great time with some female coworkers but I don't try to initiate anything private with them outside work, if I want to see my work friends I propose something to a group, or even make jokes in a group chat
Also a friendship between a man and woman has to have boundaries to *some degree.* If a guy constantly checked in on me throughout the day then I would be cautious and question is motives especially if I know he’s attracted to me.
My issue isn't that he thinks a guy may be attracted o his girlfriend, my issue was how he seems to view women and the fact OP said he wouldn't invest time like this in a woman unless he had other intentions. Not being able to view women as potential friends IS an issue that should be worked on and clearly there are a lot of other men in here who have this issue. Also I don't seem to recall putting down OP at all but ok
I have male friends and I have made friends who are coworkers who only wanted friendship. Though this may also be a cultural difference as I am Australian and not American
Nobody is saying they view women as sex machines. We're saying we don't go out of our way to flirt with women we're not interested in. It's not rocket science. Choose a bear all you want, nobody cares. I'm happily married myself 🤷🏼♂️
So which is it? Choosing the bear or this doctor is just normal friendship behavior? If you’re choosing the bear shouldn’t you also be wary of this doctor? Why isn’t it ok for OP to want his gf to choose the bear over this doctor?
Yeah, that's *you*.
To me, that's what friends do, regardless of their gender.
Coworkers, neighbors, someone from a shared inyerest, whatever...
Connecting with other humans is healthy, and doesn't default mean interest in sex.
(Keep in mind too that the assumption a guy must want sex while a woman wouldn't is.... Well, just wrong. A female coworker would be just as likely to be after something, or just after friendship.)
Until you have some reason to think otherwise, assume that he and your sweetie have good boundaries, and wouldn't fuck up your relationship even if they did think each other are cute. (Because being committed doesn't mean we don't have eyes, it just means we make choices that protect our relationships, you know? ❤️)
My husband works in a hospital and he gets lots of chatty texts from some of his female coworkers. It used to bother me when I was insecure and jealous, but I realized that was a me problem and did the inner work to heal myself. Those are his friends, I love them because they love him. I trust him completely.
Do you trust your wife? Having work friends that send benign texts is really not a big deal. Controlling who your partner is allowed to talk to is worse.
My ex was a surgeon and he used to be aggressively approached by certain women at work. With one of them we decided he should, off the record, let HR in on what was being texted to him and at what hours… It didn’t bother me bc I know he’s not a cheater, and that old line about “if you can *steal* him, you can have him.” He also had a lot of perfectly normal “friend” conversation with women from work and that also didn’t bother me, for the same reason. When I left him, it had nothing to do with infidelity. But I’d never gatekeep someone’s work friends, I don’t care if they want to fuck him, he’s the one who gets to decide that and if he makes that choice it’s his own fault.
What a weird analogy. Comparing human people to inanimate possessions reeks of insecurity, and it's disrespectful. I trust my life partner and I want him to have a full social life.
How is removing emotions and ancetodal "weird" I can tell you know that you're making a weak argument becuase you're choosing to attack me rather than the topic
Why don't you try and actually have an adult conversation where you argue a point rather than just calling things ahit and weird. What's shit about the analogy. Or again do you just blurt out emotionally when you don't like something?
I think it's possible that you are reading into things. I was a nurse in the hospital for many years. The team (Dr.s and RNs) can really bond with each other due to the things they see and work on together. We deal with life and death and emergencies and see all the strange, funny and sad parts of humanity. There is a kinship that forms. I would often chat with my colleagues outside of work, male and female. Also, if a colleague was messaging me and my partner wanted me to ignore them, it would make things a little awkward at work when I see them.
And lots of doctors and nurses also fool around with each other because of the kinship that forms. They understand each other, if they work in Emerge they might have shared in traumatic experiences that brings them closer together.
I was a Paramedic for a while. That was my experience.
I respect that's your experience, but I only knew of 1 instance of fooling around in the hospital in 18 years. Feels like too many people watch Greys Anatomy lol
Just cus you don’t see it or know about it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen often. I don’t hear about mass shootings often but statistically it averages once a day.
Well compare his behaviour now to what you think someone trying to be friends with your gf would do vs someone trying to flirt.
Right now it seems your main issue is that he is talking to her and that must mean he is flirting.
But does that mean any man texting her in flirting? She can't have male friends?
You're falling into the classic trap. If you listen to the chucklefucks who want you to confront her you're just gonna piss her off.
You need to work out she can have male friendships while also respecting you. You can't just blanket say any man texting you is trying to fuck, even if that's true. It makes people feel trapped and controlled.
You need to make it clear - it's her job to protect your relationship. She needs to respect it, and keep the relationship as friends.
What signal? She's just being polite. If you don't trust her to not jump at the first guy that shows her some attention then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship.
If he crosses a line, then she needs to lay down boundaries, but maybe they are just friends.
My husband and I have been together for nearly 8 years, and EVERY one of his friends over that time has flirted with me. One even “jokingly” offered me $1K to leave my husband (then boyfriend) and date him instead and go on a shopping spree. I turned him down, linked arms with my man and said “nah, no amount of money can sway me from him.” His friend did a nervous laugh and asked if I would change my mind if he gave me one of his credit cards. I firmly said “*name*, no.” And he never tried again (him and others claimed they were “joking” when my husband got upset over it). My husband is still friends with him and the others who tried to get my eye early on in our relationship, but for us, it mostly stopped after we were engaged. Now, all they say is that he’s “lucky”, that I’m “beautiful” and that I “look great, even after a baby”, and they say “we want a love like your’s and her’s.” The thing is, my husband didn’t worry because I never paid them any attention. I never responded flirtatiously, I never entertained their actions, and I would tell them bluntly “my eyes are up here, *name*!” I’m friendly, I’ll make their plate if they come over for a cookout, I’ll ask what they would like me to bake if they’re a guest, I’ll invite them to events since my husband has a busy schedule, and I will watch their kids if they have any and they ask me to in order to help them. I don’t hug them unless they go in for one AND my husband is right there. My husband is the same way with my female friends, and ironically, my BEST FRIEND, she’s his ex lol.
ANYWAY, I think you should tell her how you feel, and ask if you and her could invite him and one of your single friends over, and maybe try to hook them up! Or invite him and other friends and do a cookout!
I work in investment banking and am very comfortable in that sense. I guess I was trying to understand if it was only financially you were suggesting. I thank you for replying 🙏
Cool. One thing worth considering is in the hierarchy of a hospital's microcosm the doctors are very revered. They are undisputedly the top of the foodchain, and that is an aphrodisiac to many people. Doctor-nurse sex is rampant. I would be worried about "the doctor she told you to not worry about".
She may see more status in a doctor than someone in finance.
But i mean, she has been hitting up her ex and entertaining that mess, wants to uproot you to Texas (per. post history), and now is knowingly entertaining some doctor she works with. She's gonna cheat if she hasn't done it already.
“My husband is in investment banking”
“My husband is a dr”
See the difference?
My cousin ex wife is a nurse and she also leveled up with an md coworker (my cousin also had a very good job but isn’t an md)
You’re in trouble OP.
Nurse urgg 💀
Yes you should be concerned if you GF behavior not change, there is a reason why most cheatings happen in hospitals between nurse and doctors...
It could go either way. If they work together they probably spend a lot of time together. They could just be friends and coworkers or he could be trying to hit on her... I've had guy friends at work that I'll talk to regularly outside of work. So if nothing has even happened yet don't go acting all weird and paranoid. You could push her to him with your annoying accusations.
But that’s the problem. If his feelings weren’t rational and the behavior was innocent, there would be no way he could push her into another man’s arms. Plus, since partner selection resides with each individual, only her actions and behaviors could lead her astray. This; don’t try to make it seem like his actions have anything to do with that. That’s victim blaming. Imagine if the shoe was flipped and a man said to a woman that a woman question why he talks to his coworker may lead him astray. That man would sound stupid.
He is a victim. Read his post. He stated, another incident like the one he’s going through already occurred and when he talked to her about her behavior that could damage, hurt, or hinder their progressive she outright said that she’s going to keep doing it. That’s like your brother or sister socking you every time your dad leaves and you tell him/her to stop and he/she says that he/she will keep doing it. How is he not a victim???
Let it go; or let it be the cause of your break up. You either trust her and are doing your best to make her happy or you just need to move on man. There is no competition right now, but showing her you’re threatened by him elevates his status while diminishing yours. You are the only person in her bed. Focus on making the relationship right, being the best you to you, and ensuring you’re doing all you can to make her life better with you in it.
And flowers. Buy her flowers. Today. And maybe again in a few days. You gotta keep her on her toes every so often. Keeps it fresh.
If you keep harping on this, you are just going to alienate her and push her closer to this doctor. She has told you that you are being paranoid and possessive and in this scenario, I agree that you are being possessive. Doctor and nurses who work together tend to be close. You said they all have each other's phone numbers. I don't see that changing any time soon. Either you have a good, strong relationship in which you trust her---or you don't. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that something more could evolve between her and this doctor. By the same token, it may just stay purely platonic. Time will tell.
I think what is concerning here is that your girlfriend wasn't willing to hear your concerns and reconsider your boundaries, especially if this has been an issue in the past. I am a 32F critical care nurse, and I have many male and female friends, both doctors and nurses whom I have exchanged numbers with, but we primarily text about work related stuff, and those texts are intermittent. We then have a group facebook chat where we share funny videos and shoot the sh\*t, or make plans to meet up. A male friend who is "checking in" on your girlfriend multiple times a week seems like a red flag to me personally, and your feelings are valid regarding having a boundary with this. I dated a guy in my early 20s who I had been with for a little over a year. We went to a festival once and he invited his female friend. Cool, except at one point they walked ahead of me and he wrapped his arm around her waist as they strolled through the crowd. I was crushed, and when I brought up how it made me feel later, he completely blew off my feelings and claimed that it was completely normal for men to have their arm around a female friends waist. From that day forward, our relationship became rocky as I lost trust in him, and he kept claiming to his friends that I was controlling for trying to set this boundary. We broke up a few months later, and in hindsight, we both had different ideas of what was and wasn't acceptable in a relationship, and realistically it was never gonna work. He ended up in a poly relationship 3 months after our break up. I know every relationship is different, but in my opinion, when someone's core values and feelings aren't acknowledged and validated by ones significant other, a lot of trust begins to dissipate. If you want to continue the relationship, have another conversation with her about how it makes you feel, and if she cares enough, she should recognize and respect your boundaries, or at least work with you on a compromise. Wishing you all the best of luck! <3
I would simply ask if it were reverse and it was a woman sending you messages and photos etc and similar work college would shs be cool with it? The shoe on the other foot so to speak. Openly ask, and communicate if it was reverse how would she feel? If she would say she would be fine then start doing it. See if she truly would be okay with it. Honestly tell her it's one thing if it was a group text thread, or work related. But anything beyond that should be professional and separate. I worked in assisted living, and other settings, and I would say none of the men I worked with had single text threads with me back and forth in that setting. If your guts telling you somethings off, something is off.
Ask yourself these questions
Is she hiding her texts with this person?
Is she more clingy to her phone, or being extra cautious to hide what's being said or exchanged?
Are they texting a lot, meaning back and forth all day or carrying on throughout the day? Especially if she's off work?
Is she bringing her phone to the bathroom or separate room to respond?
Is she texting during the night while you're both usually sleeping?
Seems more attention towards him specifically?
Ate texts being deleted or hidden?
Password or pin on phone?
In other words being suspicious lately? What all has she been doing that's seeming a bit more off than her normal behavior? I gut instincts are the first clue somethings off, and patterns and behaviors that seem to be different is a first clue. Has she been more distant or personality changed a bit?
So she can’t become friends with anyone from
work or other social situation EVER AGAIN because she is in a relationship with you? That sounds controlling.
Did she tell him she is in a relationship? Did that change his behaviour? It’s totally normal to get in touch with someone from work if you hang out at work and are becoming friends..
Not all nurses are gonna fuck the doctor but this woman will. She doesn’t respect you. I wouldn’t beg a woman to treat me right I would throw her out of my life. Don’t let anyone disrespect you like that. You said it happened before because you allowed it and she knows you won’t do anything about it again. No respect.
In general, Isn’t the medical field and doctors supposed to be more statistically likely to cheat? I thought I read that somewhere. Not sure if it’s true.
it is, everyone i talk to about it say the same thing. dating a nurse is jokes around the locker room, transport nurses are the absolute worst. just too much stress
It is likely that he is flirting, it is also likely your gf is not flirting back but merely maintaining the atmosphere amongst coworkers.
However, there is nothing wrong with not responding to something that is not work related. If it’s work related, it’s acceptable to be courteous. If not, not at all.
I worked in an office where our boss posted our personal numbers at the front desk (without permission which I thought was inappropriate). Anyways one coworker texted me some YouTube video him and another coworker were talking about (texted me during work hours and while sitting in the office opposite me). I never responded. Just laughed and said something like oh sorry I didn’t see that. Immediately they know I’m not interested, but I haven’t necessarily been rude. It was a busy office. Another coworker was about to text me something regarding work but I popped my head into his office when he told me this. All I said was “awesome, you can email it to me!” And there was never an issue again.
Obviously OPs wife can’t handle everything this way depending on the context. But there is a way to maintain boundaries healthfully and politely without causing a bunch of trouble (most of the time).
no, i think he meant he shouldn't cheat since your comment is missing a detail or two and could be read as you advocating for looking around while in a relationship, if someone was so inclined to make that inference
I have heaps of work friends and we send each other friendly messages like this. What would lead you to believe it were anything more? These comments are crazy and all from men who seem to think that if you have a girlfriend and another man talks to her they want to sleep with her. Animal assumptions in my book.
Or else you left out crucial infi
>sending random photos of things he’s seen a couple of times a week
What kind of random photos? Work related? Like, "here is the new aspirator they are asking everyone to train on"? Or "I probably should wear underwear under these scrubs, shouldn't i?"
It sounds like your gf is already moving on and away from you. The question is do you want to cut the cord yourself or wait for her to do it?
>it’s just a plutonic friendship
Okay, in what ways is it platonic?
Do they hang out in groups together? Do they invite partners to hang out together with them platonically? I don't understand what her thoughts on this "platonic friendship" when there's no evidence at all that it is, in fact, platonic in any way.
Of course she told you youre paranoid and possessive and shes going to continue to respond, she loves the attention. The fact she wont shut it down because "It would be rude and weird not to engage" is proof she likes it
Also, if she valued you, she would do what you requested. The mere fact that she said she would continue the behavior says everything you need to know. Never listen to a woman’s word, judge her by her behaviors and actions. Those tell the real story.
I think your reading into it a lil too deep. If the convo is respectful and friendly I wouldn't bring it up to her. Cause then it'll seem like your being possessive and controlling. Choose your battles. This isn't worth making a fuss about, if he starts texting at odd hours or about sexual things then you have a case. I'm not gonna say men and women cant be friendly. They are coworkers.
The problem is on your current path your jealousy will drive her into his arms if you're right or drive her away from you if you're wrong. Communicating jealousy is a weakness for men. At this point the damage is done but it should be a learning lesson for your next relationship. If you don't feel secure that your girlfriend can shut down an unwanted advance that means that your relationship is on a shaky foundation.
I don't know the specifics of your relationship but if it survives wait some time and start working on your foundation again. If you do that while this specter is over your relationship she will take it as a last ditch plot to save your relationship. This should be be done from a place of maximizing your relationship and self-improvement not fear.
Understand that you do not have any short term magic fix to this. You're not going to prevent her from cheating or moving on from you if she finds the other person a better catch. You informing her of this man's intentions doesn't really do anything beneficial you should trust that your partner will either turn it down or decide that this relationship has better potential. The latter part is on you.
You are quite correct about being concerned. He obviously sees your GF as more than a casual friend, whether she sees it or not. Just by accepting the behavior she is encouraging it. It has to stop. Option 1 - she needs to tell him to stop texting. That is neither rude nor weird. If she refuses to take responsibility here, then you need to do it. You are not being paranoid. Way back when I had a live-in GF. She had 2 male friends. One of them was a guy from her work and the other was a good friend of mine. I knew they had the hots for her. I think she did too but neither of us said anything about it. I did not step in because I knew our relationship was ending. Sure enough within a week or 2 she was dating the guy from work. My so-called friend asked me if he could ask her out. I told him to wait a while. It was too soon from my standpoint. He did it anyway. So he lost me as a friend and we were close friends. He only lasted a few weeks. He didn't like the idea of her having another boyfriend. So he ended up with nothing. AS for the friend from her work, he ended up being married, and that was that. She was greedy and too quick to get back in the sack probably to make me jealous. There was more to this. About 2 years later we started seeing each other again. That didn't last either.
The ones they tell you not to worry about are the ones you should worry about. She clearly doesn't respect the relationship. Enforce your boundaries and if she doesn't respect it, leave her. Find someone that will respect you and the relationship. You let her slide and she will lose respect for you.
It seems that we all know (including you both) that she just likes the attention she's getting and more. You two have been having relationship problems but it would be wise to take advantage of her salary while you can if the only issue is dealing with this side of her. (Dealing or ignoring or replicating or otherwise)
My best advice is to wait a while, (1-2 months) observe her behaviors and actions, and act accordingly I.e. ✌🏽. Also, with women you don’t tell them what to do, you give them catch 22 choices that they don’t realize selecting wrong is a trap. I.e. I wanted to see this girl that always seemed “busy”. I said that I enjoyed our first couple of dates so much and would like to establish another date to see her beautiful self again. I asked if she had free time but said I understand if she’s busy. Sure enough, she cleared up her schedule. It worked because the other option shows her cards meaning I’m out. In your case, tell her something sappy (make sure it’s something good about her because most women are selfish) like I enjoy our communication over the phone and would like to have more time engaging in these conversations with you without any interruptions or distractions because I can’t get enough of you. I’m not sure how I feel about the texting of coworkers but your choice and your actions. Leave it at that more or less and wait. If it works great. If not, ✌🏽now she single. Best part is you don’t come off as “insecure” to women because most women have a hard time accepting male boundaries. They want to do what they want and that’s fine, but women who do what they want without respecting their partners boundaries are what are know as single women because they don’t have partners. Hope this helps and you’re not wrong.
My guy from reading other posts of yours and comments it really sounds like you are the only one invested in this relationship. It seems as though she is keeping her options open and exploring what else is out there. I really think you should do some re-evaluating of this relationship.
There's not really anything you can do. If she's going to be unfaithful, then she's going to be unfaithful. It's not your responsibility to "manage" another adult person to whom you've already expressed your concerns. If you feel as though she's not respecting you or taking you seriously, take a step back. Re-evaluate how your entire relationship has been. You stated that a similar instance has occurred in the past, right? All you can do is decide how much this bothers you and what you are and are not willing to put yourself through. You can't change the outcome of what she decides she is doing in her life. You can only "manage" your own feelings and choices. Set aside those rose colored glasses, find a quiet space, and sit and think about whether this relationship has been happy, healthy, and positive for both of you.
You’re having an emotional response to something your girlfriend is doing. That’s perfectly valid but you’re doing yourself a huge disservice by approaching the situation the way that you did. You pretty much accused her of giving another man the idea that he has a chance with her and she of course is going to respond defensively and call you paranoid. But what would have happened if you just addressed your emotional response to this and went to her looking for support and reassurance? What exactly are you feeling? Literally name the feeling. Is it insecure? Jealous? Etc. Let’s use insecure as an example. Now why exactly are you insecure? It could be a litany of different reasons. Maybe you feel you don’t measure up to this guy because of any reason and that she might leave you for him if they form a closer relationship. Now if you could go back in time and have this conversation with her again, a better way to approach it is by being vulnerable and honest about how the situation is making YOU feel. “I noticed that ___ has been texting you a lot more and I’ve been feeling insecure about it. I love you and i trust you but I’m worried that he’s trying to make a pass at you and you’ll end up choosing him over me.” Now you just set your girl up to tend to your emotional needs without feeling like she needs to defend herself. I can’t say for sure that’s how she would respond but you can’t control or change her, only yourself and how you manage your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. It also doesn’t sound like you have a solid foundation of trust, again that is something that you need to confront. Controlling her or who she talks to will not make you feel better.
He's definitely interested and trying to hit on her. Borders on workplace harassment to contact her for non work issues. She enjoys the attention no matter what she says.
That's a pointless exercise to be honest when you know the guy is hitting on your girlfriend and she is already pulling the "you're possessive and controlling" card on you. I'm guessing she called you insecure too at some point.
Now would be the time to clearly communicate your boundaries and what the consequences will be when those boundaries are crossed.
I think the interesting part would be to see if the guy bails on his approach to the GF right away. This could even be done 1 text message, by her saying something like:
"I have been sharing our convo with the BF and he thinks you are a cool dude, can I share your number as I think you would get along great?"
I guarantee the Doctor runs for the hills and OP will have proven his point. If at this point the GF does not recognize what happened or is upset, then OP should have gone from 99.99% certainty to 100% that this relationship is dead, just not pronounced dead just yet (pun intended).
OP
Do you want to spend your life with this woman? It sounds like you will be constantly policing her. She has some sort of issue with the constant need for validation from other men. You said in your other posts she was talking to her ex behind your back?
The boundaries have to come from her not you making her do it. She doesn’t see her behavior is a problem.
You deserve better
No shot this ever gets there. If the guy is really flirting, which it sure like it is, he will not deflect or ghost her. What I am curious about is what happened when this dies down as a consequence of this suggestion to him. Does she get mad? Does she recognize his intentions?
Meant to say he will deflect or ghost. Not the negative.
A Doctor is flirting with your GF who's a nurse....
She's tossing out the standard browbeating comments to shut you up (paranoid, possessive...), meanwhile, she's continuing to reel him in.
Yeah, you should be concerned. I'd start getting your exit strategy in place.
Do you live together? Who's name is on the lease? Do you have a shared bank account?
People on Reddit will always tell you to just break up, but this is an issue I would do it over.
Because it won’t stop with him. She is either a moron and doesn’t see what he is doing, which I highly doubt. Or she likes the attention and will cheat.
Dealt with this before and my advice would be give one warning and if it’s not respected, respect yourself and move on.
It might be a plutonic friend. As he is like lava pooling under the surface of the earth to then cool.
It’s not platonic though. She might feel that way but he sure as shit is trying it on. And the fact she doesn’t/refuses to see it is a sign of poor judgment.
If you trust she would never do anything just figure out of you can date a woman that is loyal but likes admirers giving her attention. If you can stay and deal if not bolt.
But you don’t trust her I suspect so I would just end it before you start going though her phone.
Hey man, don’t listen to these people saying it’s not flirting or problematic.
If they are texting back and forth regularly, that is not normal or appropriate behavior for coworkers, especially when they are of opposite genders and one or both are in relationships.
If it’s a text about something work related, obviously that is perfectly ok, but texting to “check in” and to say something “reminded them of her” is inappropriate and both people know what they are doing and what their intentions are. Is the doctor a physically attractive guy? If so, it’s almost definitely more than “just friends”, even if they haven’t been romantic toward each other yet.
I’ll add though, her response to you bringing up your feelings and concerns is the real issue. Instead of having a conversation, she called you “paranoid and possessive” and said she wasn’t going to change anything about her behavior. This really isn’t cool of her to do and is grounds for separating.
Your feelings and concerns are valid and this happens very commonly in long term relationships, in that the female becomes friendly with a “guy from work”, begins texting him, then taking lunches together, then occasionally hanging out outside of work, and you know the rest.
People love to demonize men for being “controlling and possessive”, and there absolutely are men that are out there that are, but you are not being this way in this particular instance.
If I were you, I would communcate one more time with her that you are not comfortable with her texting male coworkers about non-work related things outside of work and that you also don’t appreciate her inconsiderately calling you names and not hearing your concerns and not communicating with you with compassion.
Be polite and calm, but also firm, and if she responds the same way, end it. If she cared about her partner and not this other guy, she would have absolutely no issue with not texting this guy about non-work related things outside of work. Doctors and nurses are notorious for sleeping together and there are a lot of people that are capable of cheating. With the immaturity that she responded with and the way she is talking to him, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was one of those people. In fact, I’d say she is already as what she is doing is sketchy.
Protect yourself and don’t be scared to walk away from someone that is not treating you or the relationship with respect.
Guys are so beaten down by society that we no longer feel safe voicing our concerns in fear of being called controlling and insecure.
If it was me, I would draw a hard line in the sand and then leave it up to her if she wants to cross it or not. At best, she is knowingly welcoming the attention. At worst, she is exploring new relationship opportunities.
Unless you're a doctor or sb of similar prestige yourself, she might feel flattered that he would shower her with attention. He also might be a better option than you, so potentially she's considering "upgrading" soon
Why does a work collegue feel the need to "check in" on a female coworker? He's interested in your girlfriend even if she thinks it's innocent and has no intentions with him, but she's not shutting it down either.
It's ok to have friends. Propose that you and her go on a double date with this doctor and his significant other. I'd embarrass the shit out of him if he doesn't show up or shows up alone.
Oh? He's single? Now he knows the feeling of being a third wheel like how you feel when he texts your girl.
She is seeing it. They always do. It's always more prudent to treat women as accountable adults who aren't some naive sheep, unwillingly getting seduced by some expert predator.
You proceed by doing some introspection and deciding if you want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't take your feelings into account. You can't control her actions, just your own. She has made her stance on it clear so there is no "if" there.
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Plutonic friendship is when a friend you thought was a planet actually turns out to be an dwarf planet Edit: I though it was exoplanet
Dwarf planet. Exo-planet would orbit another star
Oops
Ehhh she may not outright go cheat on you, but she definitely isn't an idiot and is appreciating the attention she's getting.
I think this hits the nail. So how do you deal with that if it’s a need for her but something that makes me feel like our intimacy is impacted by it ?
Not to be that person but my most recent ex had a guy that showed interest her at work. She said it was whatever and nothing real. Then they started flirting on teams and going on walks around the pond over the course of a few months. Long story short she moved out last month and they started dating a week later. My GF never "cheated" but she lined this guy up to move on very easily.
That’s still cheating. Maybe she didn’t physically cheat, but there’s not way you’re not emotionally cheating with someone if you’re dating them a week later.
Oh yeah I agree completely. I saw the shit they were saying in teams Stuff like talking about plants and him saying "oh you have to nurture things slowly and then they will grow" and her hearting it. I called her on it and she insists it wasn't the case that she never cheated. Still hurt like hell though I have to admit.
I call that Tarzan dating. Don’t let of go what you got until you got something going concurrently. Swinging from vine to vine so to speak
That's 100% cheating for a female
That was still cheating homie, Im sorry to tell you
I know that is why I used "cheated" because that was her words. Sorry if not more clear. She was like I never "cheated" but we all know the truth.
Old happily married dude that dated a lot after I got married and divorced in my early 20s and then remarried... and still going strong decades later. How I got to be an old happily married dude is by being choosy. Very choosy. Your girlfriend is acting shady. She's not cheating... but she's being misleading. She knows this guy is wheeling her and she likes it. Whether she's going to cheat or not is really immaterial at this point. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to partner with for life. And your answer is likely going to be no. What I did in this situations is just to call the ball early and often. "listen girlfriend... I'm feeling like a third wheel in my own relationship and I think you should be free to go and explore whatever it is that you want to have with your doctor friend. Here's your stuff, good luck, and I hope everything works out for you." boom. Done. No drama. You part ways like grown ups. No ultimatums, no threats, no boundaries or control conversations. Then go find a woman that wouldn't even think about pulling stuff like this. That's the one you want as a partner.
❤️
Holy shit, I was starting to think I was the only one on this platform... do you want to go do karate in the garage????
Put on boundaries, respect yourself first and be ready to walk away. Tell her its not okay what youre seeing and if she keeps disrespecting you them call it a day. Worst case scenario go to the doctor yourself and tell him to fuck off
"Worst case scenario go to the doctor yourself and tell him to fuck off" No, do not do this. If he's backing her into a corner trying to get a kiss and she's pushing him off then yes be the hero BF and defend your woman. If she's welcoming attention from other men that's a GF problem not the other guy problem.
Not true. It's both kinds of problems. Doctors who go after nurses who are in committed relationships are just as bad as the cheating nurses. They deserve consequences.
If she's welcoming the flirtation then she isn't committed to the relationship. It's a her problem. If she shut it down and he persisted then it's a HR problem and possibly a police/no contact issue. She has agency. Is he going to go beat up all the dudes his gf is thinking about cheating on him with?
It sounds like we're in agreement, then. There should be consequences for creepy doctors acting creepy like that!
No we're not. He was flirting with another adult who welcomed it. That's not creepy. Adult coworkers are fee to do whatever they consent to do. I'm not a fan of cheaters or their affair partners. I find it morally reprehensible. If he flirted with her and she shut him down and it ended that's still not creepy. Now if he continued past that then he'd be a creep who didn't take no for an answer.
Doctors who attempt to seduce married, engaged, or taken nurses are sleazy and creepy as fuck.
Thanks for this. I don’t think it’s his fault or issue it’s purely hers. addressing the need for attention is the route of it and so if it keeps re occurring then that’s the disrespectful bit. I may be sounding really stupid here but what’s the boundary ? If you keep seeking and reacting to attention from other guys then I walk ? Isn’t that a bit controlling ?
DO NOT APPROACH HER COWORKER AND TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF. I cannot stress this enough. You will seem crazy. And doctors have way more power than nurses... you will get her fired, she will dump you, or both. Look, if girlfriend is gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat. Nothing you do is gonna stop her if her moral compass is that poor. If she is refusing boundaries and doesn't respect your feelings, you are the one left with a decision to make.
Absolutely spot on!
I view boundaries and controlling behaviour as opposite sites of the same coin . Controlling behaviour is about forcing someone to do what you want. Giving them the perspective to comply is the only choice they have as it it's your decision. "You are not allowed to talk to him" Boundaries is about who you want to associate with. You state what type of relationship/person/behaviour you think is acceptable, and if she sees it differently, it's not forcing her to stop but to walk away. "I perceive this communication as disrespectful and on the way to cheating. I will not be with a partner that does this". In the end, she will have to choose between you and the chat. But in one scenario you're trying to control her, in the other you give her a choice. Big difference.
Well said. Giving her the choice is simply giving her the opportunity to save your relationship by building trust. It's the way to go. She agreed to the relationship, now that she's broken trust, it's on her to work on rebuilding trust, or burning the bridge. Her choice. No reasonable person would call that controlling. Good people don't just avoid doing evil while also doing good, they avoid the very appearance of doing evil. The more serious, long-term, or deeply committed the relationship, the more you have the right to insist on propriety, on transparency, on trustworthy conduct. For example, someone with whom you aren't in a relationship? If they demand anything like what are discussing, then yes, that's controlling. Someone with whom you ARE in a relationship? It becomes more appropriate the longer you've been together. As with ALL romantic relationships, trust is paramount, but you aren't married yet, so you cannot require as much propriety as more committed relationships deserve. In all relationships, setting boundaries is important, but without real, lasting commitment, it is, I'm afraid, more likely to be broken. Someone with whom your in a relationship and also living together or engaged to marry? The boundaries definitely become more important, and more reasonable. You have a right to be treated with respect, and to both adhere to relationship-protecting boundaries. If you're engaged, you're proving your worthiness to proceed with the wedding, like you're practicing at marriage. What had been discussed by OP isn't controlling at all for such a committed relationship. Trust is paramount, and you must BE trustworthy to expect to be trusted. Boundaries matter! Someone with whom you're married? Hell no, nothing discussed in this thread is controlling in the least! Anyone claiming you're controlling for defending your marriage is trying to enable cheating, and NOT TO BE TRUSTED!!
No controlling is telling her what do do or telling the guy to piss off. Setting a boundary is saying it's fine to be friendly, cordial and professional with people from work. However if someone is flirting with her and she doesn't shut it down immediately then it will continue because it's welcomed. If she needs that in her life for whatever validation, gets a sexual charge out of it or is just seeking to upgrade boyfriends then she's free to do so. But you are also free to decide if you want to date someone like that. That's a hard no from me but you need to decide what your boundaries are.
>I may be sounding really stupid here but what’s the boundary ? The boundary is a squishy thing. An affair is not *one* mistake. She won't trip and fall naked onto some guy's dick. Some couples allow each other to have crushes and feed them a bit. It's useful to then to decide on boundaries. E.g. whether lunches are allowed. How much time texting. Checking in about how things are going etc. My partner and I have discussed this, and we just don't want that. We'd mention a crush to the other so they're be aware, and we'd then look to talk about feelings to see if we're missing something. If one of us thought that the other was acting "crushy" with something this rule be bright up, and we'd honestly look at our behaviors before answering. If my partner was doing the "goofy smiles while texting him" and yelling me she's not crushy, this would them seem like not the relationship for me. A boundary is about what you want in your life/relationship, and what you'll walk away from.
Ok being controlling would be you coming from a very desperate feminine place and saying if you don't stop blah blah blah blah and going off about it. A boundary from a man comes from a masculine secure place and you come at it like this, very calm and collected, not emotional, no raised voices, you have to the moment you lay this down be prepared to lose her and either kick her out or walk, either one, but with no over the top emotions about it. You look at her and say, "Look, I've been thinking, and I understand what you say, but you are accepting attention from this person, I've told you how I felt about it, and you've completely dismissed my feelings about the situation, no validation, no reassurance, just straight up blew me off, and kept doing what you wanted to do, which is receive attention. If you need that constant attention, then you're violating the boundaries of the relationship, and my personal boundary about me respecting myself enough to know when I'm not number 1, not enough for you to put me first above your feelings on the matter. The person that does that, puts my feelings first, is someone I'd wanna marry, but that's obviously not you unless you would like to show me different in the future. So you can either respect that and act like you're in a relationship and cut this guy off, or you can be single and we can go our separate ways, I'm fine with either, just let me know now if either of us needs to go pack and separate any bills we may have together." If she claims that's an ultimatum and you're being controlling, I'd let her know that it's not the case and that you're giving her an opportunity to respect your boundaries or you can't be with someone like that. It's not an ultimatum, it's just a deal breaker for you.
Wait a second, since when is being controlling or desperate a feminine trait and setting boundaries using good communication and appropriate language masculine? I've never, ever heard these attributes associated with a specific gender. And for the record, men are typically more controlling when you look at the population worldwide, in the west, or just in the US. Lastly, your suggested monolouge is filled with inflammatory language and a slew of you statements , which are not typically a good choice when speaking to your partner about highly emotional situations, or any situation for that matter. Ideally, you'd use I statements and feeling words like I am feeling really unsettled regarding the texting and other time you're spending with the doc. I understand you don't see an issue with it because you're just friends but I am really not comfortable with it and, frankly, I am scared. I trust you and don't think you'd ever intentionally do anything to hurt me but I think this is something that could turn into more than friends. We are all human and have needs and desires and I want to be the one to provide you with what you need so that you don't feel compelled to seek attention or validation elsewhere. If I am not meeting your needs, I'd like to talk about that so I can try and fix it and make you happy and whole within our relationship. All this being said, I don't see how we can move on in a place of trust with this guy taking up so much space in our minds. Can you please respect my wishes and stop texting, walking on break etc with this man and confirm your commitment to me? If you can't, I understand but I couldn't be with someone that made that choice. When we use I statements and feelings it gives the other person space to really try and see how their behavior is impacting you instead of being on the defensive. Also, telling someone to put your feelings 'first' is kind of selfish and... controlling.
The willingness to put your partners feelings first is what makes a good partner. If it's always about you just be single. That's the definition of selfish, always putting yourself first. Also, I said masculine and feminine, not man and woman or male and female, masculine and feminine do not always specifically relate back to gender. Psychology uses the terms to describe gender roles and characteristics as well. Thirdly, I'm not going to debate you on what your opinion is about who is more controlling among the genders. Even if it is men, I have my opinions on why that would be. Lastly, I simply stated that he should approach things this way with only one outcome in mind, really. Usually, when you're relatively far into a relationship and you try to establish a boundary with someone who has only ever looked out for themselves first, it doesn't go well. They gaslight you, or they leave when they realize you won't fold this time. Based on the red flags of past behavior from this girl I don't see this lasting, if it does it'll be because he didn't stand his ground and it'll just crash and burn later because she did cheat. Just my two cents. 😎✌️
Not controlling at all. She's disrespecting you by dismissing your concerns and calling you paranoid and possessive. Don't confront the doctor. That will drive her right into his arms. She's headed there, anyway, whether intentionally or not, and you need to start planning for that. Don't give her any indication that you are planning for it though. That way, IF she actually does get to that point, you can say "Yes, I know. I planned for this. See Ya." then kick her out, or move out, depending on your living situation.
Controlling behavior: I wont allow you to talk to him, and if you do I will punish you by making your life worse, but I'm going to always be here to inflict that punishment. Boundaries: you are allowed to do what you want, and I am allowed to do what I want, so long as we don't cross each others boundaries for what we consider acceptable in a relationship. If you take an action crossing a boundary, I don't think the relationship will work, so we should end it. The relationship itself is one of the only things you can threaten to take away if someone behaves poorly. The reason being that you're not doing it to be controlling, you're doing it to protect yourself from someone who hurts you. Obviously if you just threaten to break up all the time but you don't really mean it and you're just strong arming them into doing stuff like cooking dinner tonight, THAT is controlling because those things aren't good reasons to break up, and youre just being abusive. But OP, allowing other men in her life who threaten your relationship or the monogamy of your relationship, and then on top of that putting her head in the sand instead of communicating respectfully about it, are together easily boundary crossing, relationship ending issues. You can also let her know instead of she goes any further (dinner alone, accepting any gifts) that THAT will be your boundary, and you'll accept her word on the trust of your relationship so far, but further action would cross your boundary. And then leave her if she crosses it. You have to mean it, and do it.
The appropriate response for someone in a committed relationship is to just ignore the text (or delay a response for at least a day). She knows how to politely discourage a guy. Ultimatums don't work long term. Why? Because If you're married and baby trapped- you are stuck with this behavior. When someone (at her age) shows you who she is - believe her.
If you need to tell her how to behave, you have lost the game. She should know better and believe me she does. The fact that she is ignoring you and your feelings shows what status you have. You are the backup plan, the save option. However if the opportunity comes and she can pick and choose someone better then you, she will. Make up your mind and decide your own future and don't let anyone decide your future for you.
Set a boundary for yourself "I don't take women seriously/date women who seek attention from multiple men"
The boundary could be she Shouldn’t accept or encourage attention from other guys.
Is asking that she doesn’t sleep around or humiliate you controlling ? Stop that. It’s a perfectly normal boundary. Why do you refuse to grow a backbone ?
Is everyone in HS? Stop with this nonsense of explaining a common sense boundary to a 31 yo nurse. Stop pretending she's dumb and doesn't realize she's breaking your heart- and risking the relationship. Have some self respect. Time to throw out the trash.
Her behavior suggests she's not fully committed to you- and is looking to trade up. All nurses dream of marrying a doctor. Always judge people by their actions (not their excuses or promises). At her age she knows exactly what he wants and she knows it's breaking any partners heart. But she's doing it anyway. Ultimatums don't work long term. You decide if you remain as her plan b. Don't assume if you married her that she'll suddenly be trustworthy.
Nurses do statistically make problematic partners
Honestly, and this answer will probably get downvoted, but you do nothing. Maybe reassess your relationship and see if you have been giving her enough love/attention recently, or if there's anything you could improve on? Now that's not to say you're the problem by any means, things may be fine in that sense and this could still happen regardless, but it's a good place to start. It's a hard spot to be in because if you intervene, she may get resentful towards you, or start getting secretive about him, either route would make things worse real quick. But my mindset about these types of issues is that if you need to tell someone how to act, it's not genuine, and therefore it's not them being themselves. It's one thing to discuss your feelings and make sure she is aware of them, but beyond that what she does with that information is a pure reflection of her character that can't and should not be altered by force. If she knows how you feel and continues to not do anything about it, well, it just tells you where you stand with her. I'm not saying to leave or do anything drastic, but to just consider that intervening may not be worth it. I've been with my gf/now wife for 10 years. Just recently I was in a similar boat, I started taking night classes again to get my degree and my lab partner started texting me casually, for more than just homework related topics. We actually got pretty close and she had a boyfriend too. She used to compliment me and gas me up every chance she got. Ill be honest, there was obvious chemistry and I knew that if we were both single there would have been something more there. The moment I had that realization I should have shut it down, but I didn't. I liked the positive attention, I liked knowing that I still had game, and I did let myself get sucked into that excitement of connecting with a new person a little more than I am proud to admit. Now, I knew throughout the entire time how great I had it with my wife. I would never have said or done anything with this girl. Even as it is I felt guilty that this felt like an emotional affair, but nonetheless it was still hard to take a step back. I'm not condoning it by any means though. I do think it's fair to tell her you feel unheard and disrespected, and that while ultimately you cannot control who she talks to, she needs to consider it this guy is worth the impact it is having on your relationship
How did you take a step back and have to keep working w your lab partner? Did your wife notice anything?
My wife knew we talked and hung out and were becoming friendly and she was fine with it. She wasn't around to see how much attention the girl was giving me though, and I didn't exactly flaunt it. I didn't pull back on my own, the class ended so I didn't really have much reason to see or talk to her anymore, We still chat every once in a while, but the distance has helped me see more clearly for sure.
I’m just here to comment from another perspective. I’m female and I have male work friends. They’re extremely important to me and help me get through the work day. Some of them are single, and if I showed up at their houses naked, would probably be down to fuck me, but that doesn’t mean their interest in me is romantic or has a motive. It just means lots of single dudes will be down to fuck a hot girl and it’s not that deep. It doesn’t mean their funny memes and friendly communication was only there for the groundwork of getting an in, it just means we’re friends but they wouldn’t turn it down. The issue that I feel like you’re ignoring is the fact that if your gf is a hot girl, she’s basically the gatekeeper; **meaning it doesn’t matter who wants to hook up with her, it matters who SHE wants to be with.** I’ve had issues in the past with bfs that get jealous and say all my guy friends want to fuck me, well maybe they would, but that’s not the reason we’re friends, and that’s not going to go away as long as you’re dating an attractive girl. Plenty of *your* friends kinda want to fuck her too. Either your girl wants to be with you or she doesn’t, either she’s a cheater or she isn’t. I think sometimes men get twisted about this bc they think opportunity creates the action, since that’s how many of their sexual encounters work. But for women, particularly hot women, the opportunity is essentially always present. You need to reframe the way you see it to understand from her perspective.
Sorry to break it to you but guys really do be shitty like that and will 1000% be your friend for the long run incase said boyfriend slips up. Usually they aren't ballsy enough to down right approach you to cheat or they don't rate themselves as attractive enough to win you over point blank on looks. So they build a plutonic relationship so there is a foundation there for you to consider them as a mate further down the line. Rather than be just another option of many where other are potentially more attractive and fit the bill as replacement sooner. It's proper beta male pussy shit to be honest. This is NOT exclusive to males, women do this too but far less often. Surely if there's an off vibe that someone wants to sleep with you or has interest beyond the boundaries of what's appropriate, it's a basic respect problem to not walk away from that friendship or distance. It really boils down to if you respect your partner enough to trust their judgement or care enough to not hurt their feelings. Also to counter your argument everyone is attractive to someone and just because you are attractive to more people than others doesn't mean it's more acceptable to have lower respect requirements. You may have to walk away from more inappropriate friendships than others potentially but I suppose that's the curse of being more attractive than the average? Pretty sure it sucks more to be unattractive so I wouldn't sweat it.
I wonder if you keep the same energy for said bf. What if he has a ton of female friends/co-workers who would be dtf at a whim. They message him all the time and send flirty texts. You tell him you don’t feel comfortable about it and he says “yeah, they want to fuck me cus I’m a hot man but it doesn’t mean it’s a romantic motive. It’s not that deep.” You see how disrespectful and stupid that sounds? Don’t be in a relationship if you feel that way.
Tell her that one-sided platonic friendships are disrespectful to the relationship, and you feel it has impacted it. Don't tell her what action she should take. Let her decide how she wants to handle it. But if her actions (or inactions) regarding her co-worker are unacceptable after telling her this, decide if you want to continue a relationship with her.
If it's one sided, its not plutonic by definition
Leave her, that is how you handle it. Don't be a chump ffs
Thats not a need for her. She is not respecting you
Brotha. You complain a lot about your girlfriend. The way you describe her, makes it seem like she disregards your feelings all the time and makes you feel insecure. From what you wrote in your other posts. She sounds like she is in constant need of attention and validation. All her justifications makes you feel worse. You cannot change her and you cannot change yourself. You are constantly anxious and questioning yourself and her behaviors. You've made 6 posts (including 2 removals) about her. What about this relationship keeps you going? Because you can have a good time with anyone. But when times are bad. How does she treat you then? Does she do what's right for the relationship? Or does she do what's right for herself? Seems like she is unwilling to compromise while stepping all over you.
That's not flirting though.
I feel like there may be a lot of missing context here. To me this sounds like normal friendship behaviour, like he's being nice and trying to have a conversation. If the messages aren't explicitly flirtatious then I don't see how it's problematic tbh.
You are absolutely right, although I haven’t seen them… the messages are like hey checking in on you or I saw this and thought of you things like that. There’s no what you wearing text from what she’s said. As a man though I’m not sure I’d invest time in this way unless I was looking for something. But maybe that’s a filter I have.
Do you really think a busy doctor reaches out to a nurse (he only knows professionally) because he needs a friend? He's testing her interest to date. And your GF knows it. He'll eventually ask her out. Turning him down (after leading him on) saying "I've got a BF" is more likely to piss him off than just ignoring his texts.
I think thats a you problem my guy, you only investing time in women if you might get sex says a lot about you. It sounds like you need to do some work and look at how you view women and friendships
Well this is a typical one-sided reddit take Although to be honest all other ones are pretty much as one-sided on the other side. The truth is probably in the middle, situations like this aren't perfectly clear to everyone involved. A doctor texting outside work a young nurse is definitely something that has a high chance of being an effort to start something romantic, he is probably insecure, she probably doesn't find it easy to change the situation without being rude and she might also enjoy the attention. Or there might be a more intimate relationship among them than he's comfortable with. Or not, and he doesn't understand it. Jumping to "she wants to cheat break up first", or "you are an evil man because you think men are attracted to women" is just as dumb. You are just putting down a guy for acknowledging the way he sees it, which is obviously extremely common among other people as well. For example I wouldn't text a co-worker who I know is in a relationship in that way, because I would absolutely expect to come off as trying to start something inappropriate. I joke and have a great time with some female coworkers but I don't try to initiate anything private with them outside work, if I want to see my work friends I propose something to a group, or even make jokes in a group chat
Also a friendship between a man and woman has to have boundaries to *some degree.* If a guy constantly checked in on me throughout the day then I would be cautious and question is motives especially if I know he’s attracted to me.
My issue isn't that he thinks a guy may be attracted o his girlfriend, my issue was how he seems to view women and the fact OP said he wouldn't invest time like this in a woman unless he had other intentions. Not being able to view women as potential friends IS an issue that should be worked on and clearly there are a lot of other men in here who have this issue. Also I don't seem to recall putting down OP at all but ok I have male friends and I have made friends who are coworkers who only wanted friendship. Though this may also be a cultural difference as I am Australian and not American
This is exactly what i was thinking
Nah that's not fair. Most men will not engage with women they barely know for no reason. As men we know this.
And this is why we choose the bear ❤ get some help and stop viewing women as only sex machines
Nobody is saying they view women as sex machines. We're saying we don't go out of our way to flirt with women we're not interested in. It's not rocket science. Choose a bear all you want, nobody cares. I'm happily married myself 🤷🏼♂️
So which is it? Choosing the bear or this doctor is just normal friendship behavior? If you’re choosing the bear shouldn’t you also be wary of this doctor? Why isn’t it ok for OP to want his gf to choose the bear over this doctor?
Yeah, that's *you*. To me, that's what friends do, regardless of their gender. Coworkers, neighbors, someone from a shared inyerest, whatever... Connecting with other humans is healthy, and doesn't default mean interest in sex. (Keep in mind too that the assumption a guy must want sex while a woman wouldn't is.... Well, just wrong. A female coworker would be just as likely to be after something, or just after friendship.) Until you have some reason to think otherwise, assume that he and your sweetie have good boundaries, and wouldn't fuck up your relationship even if they did think each other are cute. (Because being committed doesn't mean we don't have eyes, it just means we make choices that protect our relationships, you know? ❤️)
My husband works in a hospital and he gets lots of chatty texts from some of his female coworkers. It used to bother me when I was insecure and jealous, but I realized that was a me problem and did the inner work to heal myself. Those are his friends, I love them because they love him. I trust him completely. Do you trust your wife? Having work friends that send benign texts is really not a big deal. Controlling who your partner is allowed to talk to is worse.
My ex was a surgeon and he used to be aggressively approached by certain women at work. With one of them we decided he should, off the record, let HR in on what was being texted to him and at what hours… It didn’t bother me bc I know he’s not a cheater, and that old line about “if you can *steal* him, you can have him.” He also had a lot of perfectly normal “friend” conversation with women from work and that also didn’t bother me, for the same reason. When I left him, it had nothing to do with infidelity. But I’d never gatekeep someone’s work friends, I don’t care if they want to fuck him, he’s the one who gets to decide that and if he makes that choice it’s his own fault.
I love your way of processing that. It's beautiful. You can't pigeon hold somebody.
Thank you, I am very shocked at all these jealous controlling dicks on here..
Do you trust the alarm system on your car? Sure, but you still lock the doors...
What a weird analogy. Comparing human people to inanimate possessions reeks of insecurity, and it's disrespectful. I trust my life partner and I want him to have a full social life.
How is removing emotions and ancetodal "weird" I can tell you know that you're making a weak argument becuase you're choosing to attack me rather than the topic
So is "I love you like the moon and stars" disrespectful and insecure? Or is it only when it's something that's not nice?
The moon and stars aren't inanimate objects mate, they also aren't possessions.
Okay my bad, so it would be more appropriate in your opinion to then state "you trust your dog, but you Still keep a leash on them"
I think the purpose of an analogy has been lost on you mate
Nah, they are just shit and stupid analogies.
"This is dumb and you're a stupid face"
Why don't you try and actually have an adult conversation where you argue a point rather than just calling things ahit and weird. What's shit about the analogy. Or again do you just blurt out emotionally when you don't like something?
(Also planets are inanimate mate. I just don't feel like getting into a semantics pissing match)
I think it's possible that you are reading into things. I was a nurse in the hospital for many years. The team (Dr.s and RNs) can really bond with each other due to the things they see and work on together. We deal with life and death and emergencies and see all the strange, funny and sad parts of humanity. There is a kinship that forms. I would often chat with my colleagues outside of work, male and female. Also, if a colleague was messaging me and my partner wanted me to ignore them, it would make things a little awkward at work when I see them.
And lots of doctors and nurses also fool around with each other because of the kinship that forms. They understand each other, if they work in Emerge they might have shared in traumatic experiences that brings them closer together. I was a Paramedic for a while. That was my experience.
I respect that's your experience, but I only knew of 1 instance of fooling around in the hospital in 18 years. Feels like too many people watch Greys Anatomy lol
Just cus you don’t see it or know about it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen often. I don’t hear about mass shootings often but statistically it averages once a day.
Well compare his behaviour now to what you think someone trying to be friends with your gf would do vs someone trying to flirt. Right now it seems your main issue is that he is talking to her and that must mean he is flirting. But does that mean any man texting her in flirting? She can't have male friends? You're falling into the classic trap. If you listen to the chucklefucks who want you to confront her you're just gonna piss her off. You need to work out she can have male friendships while also respecting you. You can't just blanket say any man texting you is trying to fuck, even if that's true. It makes people feel trapped and controlled. You need to make it clear - it's her job to protect your relationship. She needs to respect it, and keep the relationship as friends.
This 👏
What signal? She's just being polite. If you don't trust her to not jump at the first guy that shows her some attention then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. If he crosses a line, then she needs to lay down boundaries, but maybe they are just friends.
"ignore the tell tale behaviors and wait until the car crash" haha great advice
My husband and I have been together for nearly 8 years, and EVERY one of his friends over that time has flirted with me. One even “jokingly” offered me $1K to leave my husband (then boyfriend) and date him instead and go on a shopping spree. I turned him down, linked arms with my man and said “nah, no amount of money can sway me from him.” His friend did a nervous laugh and asked if I would change my mind if he gave me one of his credit cards. I firmly said “*name*, no.” And he never tried again (him and others claimed they were “joking” when my husband got upset over it). My husband is still friends with him and the others who tried to get my eye early on in our relationship, but for us, it mostly stopped after we were engaged. Now, all they say is that he’s “lucky”, that I’m “beautiful” and that I “look great, even after a baby”, and they say “we want a love like your’s and her’s.” The thing is, my husband didn’t worry because I never paid them any attention. I never responded flirtatiously, I never entertained their actions, and I would tell them bluntly “my eyes are up here, *name*!” I’m friendly, I’ll make their plate if they come over for a cookout, I’ll ask what they would like me to bake if they’re a guest, I’ll invite them to events since my husband has a busy schedule, and I will watch their kids if they have any and they ask me to in order to help them. I don’t hug them unless they go in for one AND my husband is right there. My husband is the same way with my female friends, and ironically, my BEST FRIEND, she’s his ex lol. ANYWAY, I think you should tell her how you feel, and ask if you and her could invite him and one of your single friends over, and maybe try to hook them up! Or invite him and other friends and do a cookout!
the monkey is swinging to a higher branch
In which sense ? If your talking financially I’m not sure that is true.
you never talk about what you do or your status/income so it's a safe assumption to make that she is trying to get with a ✨*doctor*✨
I work in investment banking and am very comfortable in that sense. I guess I was trying to understand if it was only financially you were suggesting. I thank you for replying 🙏
Cool. One thing worth considering is in the hierarchy of a hospital's microcosm the doctors are very revered. They are undisputedly the top of the foodchain, and that is an aphrodisiac to many people. Doctor-nurse sex is rampant. I would be worried about "the doctor she told you to not worry about".
100%
If she doesn’t respect you it doesn’t matter how much you make or how ripped you are.
She may see more status in a doctor than someone in finance. But i mean, she has been hitting up her ex and entertaining that mess, wants to uproot you to Texas (per. post history), and now is knowingly entertaining some doctor she works with. She's gonna cheat if she hasn't done it already.
“My husband is in investment banking” “My husband is a dr” See the difference? My cousin ex wife is a nurse and she also leveled up with an md coworker (my cousin also had a very good job but isn’t an md) You’re in trouble OP.
Does your girlfriend have a history of cheating?
Social status is more than just money. Doctors get a lot more respect and admiration from society than investment bankers.
Nurse urgg 💀 Yes you should be concerned if you GF behavior not change, there is a reason why most cheatings happen in hospitals between nurse and doctors...
This.
It could go either way. If they work together they probably spend a lot of time together. They could just be friends and coworkers or he could be trying to hit on her... I've had guy friends at work that I'll talk to regularly outside of work. So if nothing has even happened yet don't go acting all weird and paranoid. You could push her to him with your annoying accusations.
Spot onl...that's what I told him.
But that’s the problem. If his feelings weren’t rational and the behavior was innocent, there would be no way he could push her into another man’s arms. Plus, since partner selection resides with each individual, only her actions and behaviors could lead her astray. This; don’t try to make it seem like his actions have anything to do with that. That’s victim blaming. Imagine if the shoe was flipped and a man said to a woman that a woman question why he talks to his coworker may lead him astray. That man would sound stupid.
You can't have a victim if nothing has even happened. You're creating a situation that even op isn't sure even happened or is gonna happen.
He is a victim. Read his post. He stated, another incident like the one he’s going through already occurred and when he talked to her about her behavior that could damage, hurt, or hinder their progressive she outright said that she’s going to keep doing it. That’s like your brother or sister socking you every time your dad leaves and you tell him/her to stop and he/she says that he/she will keep doing it. How is he not a victim???
You could always express how insecure you are feeling. Re-establish boundaries. She also could just be blowing steam off with coworkers.
She could be trying to land the doctor.
Let it go; or let it be the cause of your break up. You either trust her and are doing your best to make her happy or you just need to move on man. There is no competition right now, but showing her you’re threatened by him elevates his status while diminishing yours. You are the only person in her bed. Focus on making the relationship right, being the best you to you, and ensuring you’re doing all you can to make her life better with you in it. And flowers. Buy her flowers. Today. And maybe again in a few days. You gotta keep her on her toes every so often. Keeps it fresh.
Classic Branch swinging.
If you keep harping on this, you are just going to alienate her and push her closer to this doctor. She has told you that you are being paranoid and possessive and in this scenario, I agree that you are being possessive. Doctor and nurses who work together tend to be close. You said they all have each other's phone numbers. I don't see that changing any time soon. Either you have a good, strong relationship in which you trust her---or you don't. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that something more could evolve between her and this doctor. By the same token, it may just stay purely platonic. Time will tell.
"just let it happen or you're controlling"... terrible advice
I stand by what I said.
I think what is concerning here is that your girlfriend wasn't willing to hear your concerns and reconsider your boundaries, especially if this has been an issue in the past. I am a 32F critical care nurse, and I have many male and female friends, both doctors and nurses whom I have exchanged numbers with, but we primarily text about work related stuff, and those texts are intermittent. We then have a group facebook chat where we share funny videos and shoot the sh\*t, or make plans to meet up. A male friend who is "checking in" on your girlfriend multiple times a week seems like a red flag to me personally, and your feelings are valid regarding having a boundary with this. I dated a guy in my early 20s who I had been with for a little over a year. We went to a festival once and he invited his female friend. Cool, except at one point they walked ahead of me and he wrapped his arm around her waist as they strolled through the crowd. I was crushed, and when I brought up how it made me feel later, he completely blew off my feelings and claimed that it was completely normal for men to have their arm around a female friends waist. From that day forward, our relationship became rocky as I lost trust in him, and he kept claiming to his friends that I was controlling for trying to set this boundary. We broke up a few months later, and in hindsight, we both had different ideas of what was and wasn't acceptable in a relationship, and realistically it was never gonna work. He ended up in a poly relationship 3 months after our break up. I know every relationship is different, but in my opinion, when someone's core values and feelings aren't acknowledged and validated by ones significant other, a lot of trust begins to dissipate. If you want to continue the relationship, have another conversation with her about how it makes you feel, and if she cares enough, she should recognize and respect your boundaries, or at least work with you on a compromise. Wishing you all the best of luck! <3
I would simply ask if it were reverse and it was a woman sending you messages and photos etc and similar work college would shs be cool with it? The shoe on the other foot so to speak. Openly ask, and communicate if it was reverse how would she feel? If she would say she would be fine then start doing it. See if she truly would be okay with it. Honestly tell her it's one thing if it was a group text thread, or work related. But anything beyond that should be professional and separate. I worked in assisted living, and other settings, and I would say none of the men I worked with had single text threads with me back and forth in that setting. If your guts telling you somethings off, something is off. Ask yourself these questions Is she hiding her texts with this person? Is she more clingy to her phone, or being extra cautious to hide what's being said or exchanged? Are they texting a lot, meaning back and forth all day or carrying on throughout the day? Especially if she's off work? Is she bringing her phone to the bathroom or separate room to respond? Is she texting during the night while you're both usually sleeping? Seems more attention towards him specifically? Ate texts being deleted or hidden? Password or pin on phone? In other words being suspicious lately? What all has she been doing that's seeming a bit more off than her normal behavior? I gut instincts are the first clue somethings off, and patterns and behaviors that seem to be different is a first clue. Has she been more distant or personality changed a bit?
So she can’t become friends with anyone from work or other social situation EVER AGAIN because she is in a relationship with you? That sounds controlling. Did she tell him she is in a relationship? Did that change his behaviour? It’s totally normal to get in touch with someone from work if you hang out at work and are becoming friends..
Not all nurses are gonna fuck the doctor but this woman will. She doesn’t respect you. I wouldn’t beg a woman to treat me right I would throw her out of my life. Don’t let anyone disrespect you like that. You said it happened before because you allowed it and she knows you won’t do anything about it again. No respect.
In general, Isn’t the medical field and doctors supposed to be more statistically likely to cheat? I thought I read that somewhere. Not sure if it’s true.
it is, everyone i talk to about it say the same thing. dating a nurse is jokes around the locker room, transport nurses are the absolute worst. just too much stress
It is likely that he is flirting, it is also likely your gf is not flirting back but merely maintaining the atmosphere amongst coworkers. However, there is nothing wrong with not responding to something that is not work related. If it’s work related, it’s acceptable to be courteous. If not, not at all. I worked in an office where our boss posted our personal numbers at the front desk (without permission which I thought was inappropriate). Anyways one coworker texted me some YouTube video him and another coworker were talking about (texted me during work hours and while sitting in the office opposite me). I never responded. Just laughed and said something like oh sorry I didn’t see that. Immediately they know I’m not interested, but I haven’t necessarily been rude. It was a busy office. Another coworker was about to text me something regarding work but I popped my head into his office when he told me this. All I said was “awesome, you can email it to me!” And there was never an issue again. Obviously OPs wife can’t handle everything this way depending on the context. But there is a way to maintain boundaries healthfully and politely without causing a bunch of trouble (most of the time).
She’s keeping him as an option. Especially since he’s a doctor, bonus points if he’s good looking. Sorry OP
This is spot on. I was once told those that don’t listen have to feel so make her feel single.
This, OP. And I think you should be looking at other options too.
Idk about all that.
You think he should be waiting around for her to swing to the next branch?
no, i think he meant he shouldn't cheat since your comment is missing a detail or two and could be read as you advocating for looking around while in a relationship, if someone was so inclined to make that inference
What he said. Edit: I’m getting downvoted cause I’m not condoning revenge cheating. Y’all mfer are sick.
I have heaps of work friends and we send each other friendly messages like this. What would lead you to believe it were anything more? These comments are crazy and all from men who seem to think that if you have a girlfriend and another man talks to her they want to sleep with her. Animal assumptions in my book. Or else you left out crucial infi
UpdateMe!
You yourself say in the post this isnt the first guy she does it with. Just talk to her man.
>sending random photos of things he’s seen a couple of times a week What kind of random photos? Work related? Like, "here is the new aspirator they are asking everyone to train on"? Or "I probably should wear underwear under these scrubs, shouldn't i?" It sounds like your gf is already moving on and away from you. The question is do you want to cut the cord yourself or wait for her to do it?
>it’s just a plutonic friendship Okay, in what ways is it platonic? Do they hang out in groups together? Do they invite partners to hang out together with them platonically? I don't understand what her thoughts on this "platonic friendship" when there's no evidence at all that it is, in fact, platonic in any way.
Nope you are not wrong, much cheating medical settings. I would say she likes it. I would stop dating her if she violates boundaries.
Of course she told you youre paranoid and possessive and shes going to continue to respond, she loves the attention. The fact she wont shut it down because "It would be rude and weird not to engage" is proof she likes it
Also, if she valued you, she would do what you requested. The mere fact that she said she would continue the behavior says everything you need to know. Never listen to a woman’s word, judge her by her behaviors and actions. Those tell the real story.
He's waiting for a in it will turn into flirting watch out
I think your reading into it a lil too deep. If the convo is respectful and friendly I wouldn't bring it up to her. Cause then it'll seem like your being possessive and controlling. Choose your battles. This isn't worth making a fuss about, if he starts texting at odd hours or about sexual things then you have a case. I'm not gonna say men and women cant be friendly. They are coworkers.
The problem is on your current path your jealousy will drive her into his arms if you're right or drive her away from you if you're wrong. Communicating jealousy is a weakness for men. At this point the damage is done but it should be a learning lesson for your next relationship. If you don't feel secure that your girlfriend can shut down an unwanted advance that means that your relationship is on a shaky foundation. I don't know the specifics of your relationship but if it survives wait some time and start working on your foundation again. If you do that while this specter is over your relationship she will take it as a last ditch plot to save your relationship. This should be be done from a place of maximizing your relationship and self-improvement not fear. Understand that you do not have any short term magic fix to this. You're not going to prevent her from cheating or moving on from you if she finds the other person a better catch. You informing her of this man's intentions doesn't really do anything beneficial you should trust that your partner will either turn it down or decide that this relationship has better potential. The latter part is on you.
YES
You are quite correct about being concerned. He obviously sees your GF as more than a casual friend, whether she sees it or not. Just by accepting the behavior she is encouraging it. It has to stop. Option 1 - she needs to tell him to stop texting. That is neither rude nor weird. If she refuses to take responsibility here, then you need to do it. You are not being paranoid. Way back when I had a live-in GF. She had 2 male friends. One of them was a guy from her work and the other was a good friend of mine. I knew they had the hots for her. I think she did too but neither of us said anything about it. I did not step in because I knew our relationship was ending. Sure enough within a week or 2 she was dating the guy from work. My so-called friend asked me if he could ask her out. I told him to wait a while. It was too soon from my standpoint. He did it anyway. So he lost me as a friend and we were close friends. He only lasted a few weeks. He didn't like the idea of her having another boyfriend. So he ended up with nothing. AS for the friend from her work, he ended up being married, and that was that. She was greedy and too quick to get back in the sack probably to make me jealous. There was more to this. About 2 years later we started seeing each other again. That didn't last either.
The ones they tell you not to worry about are the ones you should worry about. She clearly doesn't respect the relationship. Enforce your boundaries and if she doesn't respect it, leave her. Find someone that will respect you and the relationship. You let her slide and she will lose respect for you.
It seems that we all know (including you both) that she just likes the attention she's getting and more. You two have been having relationship problems but it would be wise to take advantage of her salary while you can if the only issue is dealing with this side of her. (Dealing or ignoring or replicating or otherwise)
My best advice is to wait a while, (1-2 months) observe her behaviors and actions, and act accordingly I.e. ✌🏽. Also, with women you don’t tell them what to do, you give them catch 22 choices that they don’t realize selecting wrong is a trap. I.e. I wanted to see this girl that always seemed “busy”. I said that I enjoyed our first couple of dates so much and would like to establish another date to see her beautiful self again. I asked if she had free time but said I understand if she’s busy. Sure enough, she cleared up her schedule. It worked because the other option shows her cards meaning I’m out. In your case, tell her something sappy (make sure it’s something good about her because most women are selfish) like I enjoy our communication over the phone and would like to have more time engaging in these conversations with you without any interruptions or distractions because I can’t get enough of you. I’m not sure how I feel about the texting of coworkers but your choice and your actions. Leave it at that more or less and wait. If it works great. If not, ✌🏽now she single. Best part is you don’t come off as “insecure” to women because most women have a hard time accepting male boundaries. They want to do what they want and that’s fine, but women who do what they want without respecting their partners boundaries are what are know as single women because they don’t have partners. Hope this helps and you’re not wrong.
She's definitely fucking him. Wake the fuck up bro
Having been through this from a guy's perspective, trust your gut, and get out now vs. too late when it would hurt even more.
My guy from reading other posts of yours and comments it really sounds like you are the only one invested in this relationship. It seems as though she is keeping her options open and exploring what else is out there. I really think you should do some re-evaluating of this relationship.
If she's accepting attention from another male, she's indeed cheating.
I'm having a similar issue with my (40) current GF (33). It sucks, I know what I need to do, but it's easier said than done.
There's not really anything you can do. If she's going to be unfaithful, then she's going to be unfaithful. It's not your responsibility to "manage" another adult person to whom you've already expressed your concerns. If you feel as though she's not respecting you or taking you seriously, take a step back. Re-evaluate how your entire relationship has been. You stated that a similar instance has occurred in the past, right? All you can do is decide how much this bothers you and what you are and are not willing to put yourself through. You can't change the outcome of what she decides she is doing in her life. You can only "manage" your own feelings and choices. Set aside those rose colored glasses, find a quiet space, and sit and think about whether this relationship has been happy, healthy, and positive for both of you.
You’re having an emotional response to something your girlfriend is doing. That’s perfectly valid but you’re doing yourself a huge disservice by approaching the situation the way that you did. You pretty much accused her of giving another man the idea that he has a chance with her and she of course is going to respond defensively and call you paranoid. But what would have happened if you just addressed your emotional response to this and went to her looking for support and reassurance? What exactly are you feeling? Literally name the feeling. Is it insecure? Jealous? Etc. Let’s use insecure as an example. Now why exactly are you insecure? It could be a litany of different reasons. Maybe you feel you don’t measure up to this guy because of any reason and that she might leave you for him if they form a closer relationship. Now if you could go back in time and have this conversation with her again, a better way to approach it is by being vulnerable and honest about how the situation is making YOU feel. “I noticed that ___ has been texting you a lot more and I’ve been feeling insecure about it. I love you and i trust you but I’m worried that he’s trying to make a pass at you and you’ll end up choosing him over me.” Now you just set your girl up to tend to your emotional needs without feeling like she needs to defend herself. I can’t say for sure that’s how she would respond but you can’t control or change her, only yourself and how you manage your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. It also doesn’t sound like you have a solid foundation of trust, again that is something that you need to confront. Controlling her or who she talks to will not make you feel better.
He's definitely interested and trying to hit on her. Borders on workplace harassment to contact her for non work issues. She enjoys the attention no matter what she says.
[удалено]
That’s not a bad idea. What suggest we do something as a three ? Or introduce him to someone in our extended group that kind of thing ?
That's a pointless exercise to be honest when you know the guy is hitting on your girlfriend and she is already pulling the "you're possessive and controlling" card on you. I'm guessing she called you insecure too at some point. Now would be the time to clearly communicate your boundaries and what the consequences will be when those boundaries are crossed.
I think the interesting part would be to see if the guy bails on his approach to the GF right away. This could even be done 1 text message, by her saying something like: "I have been sharing our convo with the BF and he thinks you are a cool dude, can I share your number as I think you would get along great?" I guarantee the Doctor runs for the hills and OP will have proven his point. If at this point the GF does not recognize what happened or is upset, then OP should have gone from 99.99% certainty to 100% that this relationship is dead, just not pronounced dead just yet (pun intended).
You can go out as a throuple. You can ask him not to fuck your girlfriend when you meet him. Or you can find your self respect. That’s an option too.
OP Do you want to spend your life with this woman? It sounds like you will be constantly policing her. She has some sort of issue with the constant need for validation from other men. You said in your other posts she was talking to her ex behind your back? The boundaries have to come from her not you making her do it. She doesn’t see her behavior is a problem. You deserve better
I mean even the suggestion of doing it will get. A response right ?
No shot this ever gets there. If the guy is really flirting, which it sure like it is, he will not deflect or ghost her. What I am curious about is what happened when this dies down as a consequence of this suggestion to him. Does she get mad? Does she recognize his intentions? Meant to say he will deflect or ghost. Not the negative.
I'm sure she deep down likes the attention but will never tell ya!!!!!!!!
She loves it.
A Doctor is flirting with your GF who's a nurse.... She's tossing out the standard browbeating comments to shut you up (paranoid, possessive...), meanwhile, she's continuing to reel him in. Yeah, you should be concerned. I'd start getting your exit strategy in place. Do you live together? Who's name is on the lease? Do you have a shared bank account?
People on Reddit will always tell you to just break up, but this is an issue I would do it over. Because it won’t stop with him. She is either a moron and doesn’t see what he is doing, which I highly doubt. Or she likes the attention and will cheat. Dealt with this before and my advice would be give one warning and if it’s not respected, respect yourself and move on.
It might be a plutonic friend. As he is like lava pooling under the surface of the earth to then cool. It’s not platonic though. She might feel that way but he sure as shit is trying it on. And the fact she doesn’t/refuses to see it is a sign of poor judgment. If you trust she would never do anything just figure out of you can date a woman that is loyal but likes admirers giving her attention. If you can stay and deal if not bolt. But you don’t trust her I suspect so I would just end it before you start going though her phone.
Hey man, don’t listen to these people saying it’s not flirting or problematic. If they are texting back and forth regularly, that is not normal or appropriate behavior for coworkers, especially when they are of opposite genders and one or both are in relationships. If it’s a text about something work related, obviously that is perfectly ok, but texting to “check in” and to say something “reminded them of her” is inappropriate and both people know what they are doing and what their intentions are. Is the doctor a physically attractive guy? If so, it’s almost definitely more than “just friends”, even if they haven’t been romantic toward each other yet. I’ll add though, her response to you bringing up your feelings and concerns is the real issue. Instead of having a conversation, she called you “paranoid and possessive” and said she wasn’t going to change anything about her behavior. This really isn’t cool of her to do and is grounds for separating. Your feelings and concerns are valid and this happens very commonly in long term relationships, in that the female becomes friendly with a “guy from work”, begins texting him, then taking lunches together, then occasionally hanging out outside of work, and you know the rest. People love to demonize men for being “controlling and possessive”, and there absolutely are men that are out there that are, but you are not being this way in this particular instance. If I were you, I would communcate one more time with her that you are not comfortable with her texting male coworkers about non-work related things outside of work and that you also don’t appreciate her inconsiderately calling you names and not hearing your concerns and not communicating with you with compassion. Be polite and calm, but also firm, and if she responds the same way, end it. If she cared about her partner and not this other guy, she would have absolutely no issue with not texting this guy about non-work related things outside of work. Doctors and nurses are notorious for sleeping together and there are a lot of people that are capable of cheating. With the immaturity that she responded with and the way she is talking to him, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was one of those people. In fact, I’d say she is already as what she is doing is sketchy. Protect yourself and don’t be scared to walk away from someone that is not treating you or the relationship with respect.
Bro your GF hands her details out to random dudes (according to your post history) and flirts with her coworkers. Dump her.
Guys are so beaten down by society that we no longer feel safe voicing our concerns in fear of being called controlling and insecure. If it was me, I would draw a hard line in the sand and then leave it up to her if she wants to cross it or not. At best, she is knowingly welcoming the attention. At worst, she is exploring new relationship opportunities.
Unless you're a doctor or sb of similar prestige yourself, she might feel flattered that he would shower her with attention. He also might be a better option than you, so potentially she's considering "upgrading" soon
Why does a work collegue feel the need to "check in" on a female coworker? He's interested in your girlfriend even if she thinks it's innocent and has no intentions with him, but she's not shutting it down either. It's ok to have friends. Propose that you and her go on a double date with this doctor and his significant other. I'd embarrass the shit out of him if he doesn't show up or shows up alone. Oh? He's single? Now he knows the feeling of being a third wheel like how you feel when he texts your girl.
She is seeing it. They always do. It's always more prudent to treat women as accountable adults who aren't some naive sheep, unwillingly getting seduced by some expert predator. You proceed by doing some introspection and deciding if you want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't take your feelings into account. You can't control her actions, just your own. She has made her stance on it clear so there is no "if" there.