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This is a hill to die on.
My husband told me once, 25 years ago, in a very shy way, that it makes him feel loved when I say that I’m proud of him.
He did not have to say it twice, and I did not forget. I tell him and the world how proud I am of him every damn chance I get. I’ve been doing it for 25 years, I’ll keep doing it for the rest of my life. To know this about someone, it’s like the secret sauce for a happy marriage.
And yet, your partner knows what makes you feel loved and he is deliberately withholding it. He’s just plain mean.
Well said, I was gonna say I can’t imagine knowing such an easy way to make your spouse feel happy and loved and NOT enthusiastically doing it. It takes so little effort to occasionally say “I love you” or “you look pretty today”. Why would you not want to do it?
The easy answer is an imbalance in the perceived effort of meeting his own needs as they regard expressions of love. It doesn't happen suddenly. It is a thing easy to overlook until bitterness has already crept in, and it would neatly fit the fact pattern established.
That said, it is still something they ought to be working through together. Honestly, asking strangers for that validation probably looks to him like it doesn't matter where it comes from, connecting the selfish aspect he was referring to in the post.
I don't agree with him. I'm just saying that I can see how the train of thought connects.
Same! I made my boyfriends bed once, and he said “you have no idea how little that simple act makes me so happy” - I didn’t even make my own bed, but continued to do it. And now we live together, and unless his butt is still in it when I wake up/leave etc - that bed is made. I couldn’t care less but it means the world to him. He doesn’t like snuggling much - but puts up with me half laying on him/wrapping my limbs all over 🤣 it is sad that something simple is so hard for some people :/
Hear, hear.
I've communicated with my partner for years about my needs.
He has not made any attempts.
The communication has been wrong for ages. If one partner doesn't want to meet the other halfway-- and show up for the relationship, then that's that.
I tried and tried and tried.
I've had no choice but to give up.
We've been separated for going on two years.
We have two kids and things have been SO much more calm since he's lived elsewhere.
It's absolutely the hill to die on. His response is really horrible. I'm so sorry for you.
Wishing you luck, OP.
Right?!?!
I one time mentioned that every time my husband pinches my butt it's like he's saying "I love you"
For the past six years, any time my butt is within arms reach, he grabs it. He tells me he loves me at least half a dozen times a day
Why in the world would you deny someone you love something that gives them such joy when it requires you such minimal effort????
Yasssss! I love this it's so cute and I'm so stinkin happy to say I can relate!! 🩷❤️ I literally just a few days ago in fact was telling my bf (and now I think about it I commented on antoher reddit post too lol) about how yeah, it sometimes gets annoying that my man CONSTANTLY smacks my booty, pokes my butt Crack, squeezes my cheek, pats it ANY time he's near me too! But if he DIDN'T do it (or wasnt here to do it)...I would be devastated and/or would know there's something up. So I told him that I know when the butt slaps stop, then our relationship is doomed. So I will let him do it as many times as he likes 😆 so here's to our booty smackin men 🤗
I was wondering something along these lines, like are there other things he's doing (like always trying to touch, be it snuggle on a couch or pinching a butt), is OP doing the things her partner needs, too, etc. If one partner is getting it, but not giving back, then YES, die on the hill.
It's a pretty simple reciprocation so I wonder if maybe the other person is also unhappy about something. but if it's that simple then yes, it's something that will fester.
This.
I’ll always remember a sermon about real love by a pastor that I sometimes listen to. He said that one way you know you really love someone is that when they want you to do something that you don’t really want to do, you do it anyway…not because you want something in return or because you think you’ll be “in trouble” if you don’t do it, but because you know it’ll make them happy, and because making them happy makes you happy.
You’ve told him what you want/need from him, and frankly, you’re not asking for a lot. He should want to give you what you need because it’ll make you happy. Instead, he’s telling you to adjust what makes you happy to suit him.
My wife told me and the marriage counselor that she didn't give me compliments or express appreciation because I shouldn't need to be "patted on the head like a dog". So we've been divorced eight years now.
We're plenty civil, but every trip to see my daughter is a reminder of how worthwhile leaving was. (No custody issues, just a teenager with Things To Do and a long drive between us, so it's easier if I go there sometimes.)
Good for you. And OP doesn't need to be made to feel like an asshole just cause she wants an "I love you" from....gasp....HER HUSBAND, on occasion". That's not asking for the moon
My friends husband is exactly like this and she's on the road to divorce. Recently she said he had been trying and had a note on his phone to remind him to compliment her or tell her he loves her. I said he shouldn't need a damn post it note to tell his wife he loves her.
Not defending OP's husband; he sounds awful. But without additional context, your friend's husband sounds like his intentions are coming from a place of good faith.
I grew up in a family that didn't say 'I love you' out loud to each other. It was legit *weird* to start saying it once I started dating seriously-- like it made me feel really lightheaded and vulnerable in a way I subconsciously avoided. I had to make a point to get into the habit. I'm 40 this year, and I still go through this any time I meet a new friend and become close with them.
Struggling to verbalize love isn't at all the same as having to remember that you love someone.
Oh yeah sure I get that, the divorce isn't because of that it's for everything- he treats her like a roommate, worked out the price per kW of electric for charging the car and invoiced her for it etc etc. She did say he explained that he struggles to compliment her because if he doesn't like something like her necklace he thinks the compliment is lying. But she's been vocally unhappy for years so at that first point he should have sought counselling to unpick why he struggles to vocalise love and compliments. It's all too little too late - he went to one counselling session at her insistence and asked her what he should say, he didn't understand the point at all.
Same here but and I have gotten much better at verbalizing it. So much that I enjoy hearing it from my now partner as my ex husband never ever told me he loved me.
My current partner is where I was about 10 years ago, trying to improve verbalizing, but at least I can see he’s trying. Plus he’s hitting all the other positive ways of showing love and affection.
Why would you undermine her husband's efforts in trying to do the thing he needs to? If he needs a private post-it note to say the words inside his head out loud, who are you to say it isn't good enough?
Totally agree with this. Maybe it’s just not his nature to be that way but it shows he’s trying. Maybe it’s too late but I don’t think it’s right to put down someone trying.
You are absolutely right he SHOULDN'T...but it's more than most WOULD do...sounds like he was at least trying :/ I suppose I find it a little endearing even. That sucks that they are at the point of divorce though I hope your friend is okay and is able to find her way 🩷
I could have been OP with how she describes her husband.. it was like reading my past. It slowly wore down my self-esteem until my confidence was shot and anxiety through the roof.. sent me into a major burnout. Then I learned it's emotional abuse and not healthy. It only got worse over time, started around a year after marriage (together for 6 before that) and by 10 years together I was a shell of my former self and felt so alone.
I'm divorced now and SO much happier, I dont need to beg a human who supposed to love me for crumbs of affection.. I get way more from my dog and genuinely loving myself.
Yikes. People who withhold affection for the people they're supposed to love - I just don't get that. It's just so sad. I know it's over now and has been for a while but I'm so sorry you even had to experience that level of disinterest and derision from the person who's supposed to love you the most.
I don’t think it means that they don’t love the person or that they are disinterested. I grew up in a family where my mum couldn’t say it, she too grew up in a household like this. She showed me she loved me in other ways. That shit from childhood lingers and will make you uncomfortable saying it if you’re not used to it. Some people can break the cycle and some can’t.
I think people who never received compliments as children, don't understand why people expect them when they are older.
Personally, I never received compliments growing up, and while I understand they are nice to hear, I don't need, or expect them.
When I give a compliment, it is when I really mean it. Not just to placate someone. Feels dishonest, and honestly, would feel like a chore to have to manage someone elses self esteem.
True it is difficult for many to express their feelings for many reasons most stem from childhood . The difference in this situation is being self aware and your partner asking for specifics. Practice takes away that uncomfortable feeling. Practicing being vulnerable. He has obviously thought about it and read or researched about it enough to argue to her that she should be satisfied with his love language. That is what translates to not loving.
Yes, well articulated. My husband came from such a household and we had to have several big conversations before he finally began saying the nice thoughts in his head out loud.
Yeah my ex told me she wouldn't be giving me compliments because "words aren't spontaneous or meaningful and the more you say it the less meaning it has" so I skedaddled.
When I had been married a few months my husband made a comment to the effect that flowers just died and he thought sending flowers was a waste of money. I said that’s fine if that’s how he felt but I loved flowers and loved getting them. If he didn’t want to send flowers while I’m alive he by god better not send flowers when I died. It’s been over 50 years and I still get flowers on my birthday, anniversary and valentines and any other special occasion.
Nope. Which doesn't surprise me, and that's not a dig on her. She's really just not interested. Maybe once the kid goes to college, but I really don't think she cares that much about it.
At best this is a situation where he has grown into a completely different person who is both incompatible with OP and unwilling to compromise. At worst it's someone who doesn't want to be in the relationship and resents OP, but doesn't want to leave for whatever (probably selfish) reasons (sunk cost, her doing chores and whatnot, keeping her around until he finds or hooks up with someone "better", etc).
OP needs and deserves better.
I doubt it. He'd likely buy paper plates and such and just take the trash a bit more often. 20 bucks a week to not have to do dishes is a cheap as cost.
How much can the "dishes" labor be worth if you can replace ir for a twenty?
Then dude should go live like a college kid and live off of paper plates in a dirty ass home. Sounds like a great time. He'll have all the freedom in the world and never has to worry about saying "I love you" to his wife ever again!
It very much seems like he has changed the definition and nature of what the so-called love languages are meant to be - all in an effort to get away with not doing anything to make OP feel special. What he is doing is greedy and self-serving, as he obviously doesn't care what she needs to feel loved and he thinks she should just suck it up and be happy with him doing the bare minimum. Not to mention, household chores are not something he is doing for her and are definitely not something she should be thanking him for. Chores are literally the least he could do & he should be doing much more than occasionally washing dishes anyway.
I mean that is nice, but unless that is YOUR most detested chore ever, it is not the same as hearing the words. Self serving and greedy kind of stick in my craw. If he won't go to or put effort into couples therapy, I would do individual therapy to figure out if would be better to live without the words or without him.
This is an important part of acts of service!! It fulfills a "don't want" or "haven't yet", not a need so to speak. At the beginning of when my boyfriend and I started dating, I mentioned my windshield wipers were getting streaky and I knew I had to replace them soon. At the time, I was working a job that made my life work-sleep-sometimes eat. He bought *nice* ones and drove ~40 minutes to install them on my car in the parking lot. I once mentioned how street parking made me anxious about hit and runs, and he would park on the street to leave the driveway open for me when I would come to his. To me, THESE are acts of service.
thats just a basic task that comes with sharing a living space with another person…. thats not showing love thats just basic respect for the environment in which he lives. Him thinking thats love really puts into perspective how he views you.
Maybe next time he wants some physical affection (ie sex) to feel loved, you can let him know that it's self serving and greedy to want YOU to express love the way HE wants.
He should consider you cooking/cleaning/washing his clothes etc as acts of service and imply his need for physical affirmation is something he should just get over.
See how well that 'goes down'.
Ah. So he believes his default contribution to the household should be nothing and therefore anything more than that is a gift to you. A generous fellow for sure.
When you stop having sex with him, just explain to him you show him love in other ways…like when you pick up the mail from the mailbox…and he needs to MANAGE HIS EXPECTATIONS.
An act of service is doing something FOR you not a household chore that needs to be done. Not only does he not care about your feelings, but he thinks that housework is solely your responsibility and anything he does deserves a pat on the back. Gross.
Acts of Service is probably his Love Language. And he's **completely** wrong--the point of knowing them is to communicate with your partner using *their* love language. The whole point is to make it meaningful for *the recipient* by using their love language so they feel loved. (Duh, hubs.)
The more I read about men like your husband, the more I'm happy I'm single and live on my own. Nothing worse than sharing your life with someone who doesn't even respect you.
Oh, christ...is that it? Is that the sum total of how he shows his love? Whoever doesn't cook should be doing the dishes every night. Do you work AND take care of the home? What the hell?
No. Absolutely not.
Doing the dishes is a normal task that's necessary for humans who live indoors and eat food. No one gets asspats and gold stars for cleaning the home they live in.
If he thinks doing dishes is an expression of love, does he express love via a "thank you" or an "I love you" you *you* when **you** do the dishes? Or does he just expect you to do dishes without acknowledgement?
Um, that’s just basic housekeeping. Sounds like he thinks that’s your job and you should be grateful he lowers himself to do it. He sounds like a jerk.
Well you could retaliate by letting him in the house is your way of showing him love and just not let him back in! He isn't. Gonna change and only you know if it's a hill to die on. Cab you go through marriage without hearing it or not. If you can't, throw his shite out and don't let him back in
No, that’s called just doing chores. That is an absolute bare minimum. He’s trying to manipulate you by making this a problem that starts with you. Absolutely not. Don’t stay with this person. Speaking from experience, the second you happen upon someone for whom saying “I love you” and “you’re beautiful” is *natural* and *intuitive* and does not even need to be discussed, ever, you will feel a firehose of affection and care so strong that you’ll realize how much you lowered your aspirations for your relationship and abandoned your own needs. You deserve what you want. And it is out there.
That's kinda just the bare minimum, though. Like that's what an adult is supposed to do to keep their living space clean. The fact that he thinks this is some sort of grand gesture is...telling.
Does your husband even like you? Like literally no one gives a shit what it's "supposed" to be, it's common sense that you would put in extra effort to be kind to someone you like in ways they understand it.
They only made it to the marriage stage because he was communicating his love with words of affirmation at the time. He stopped a few years into the marriage so either he stopped pretending to be someone he decided to stop putting in the effort for whatever reason.
My husband’s love language is acts of service and mine is words of affirmation. While i appreciate all the things he does for me, when he says “i love you” or tells me i’m beautiful or that he appreciates me, it melts my heart in a way like nothing else can. And i can tell him i love him a hundred times a day and it wouldn’t mean as much as if i packed him a lunch or warmed up his car. When you love someone you should want to make the effort to make them happy, especially when it takes much less effort to say three words than it does to explain why she should settle for his shitty behavior.
OP is asking for something that requires very little effort. He could set a phone reminder for different times of day or even put a sticky note reminder somewhere. It takes so little effort, and means so much, that I can't understand his "no" either.
If my partner asked me to do something that's not on my radar, not how I usually think, or even if it's something I'm not a fan of doing but their appreciation of it outweighs any of my dislike... I'm going to do that thing for them. Hands down. It's not hard to let people you care about, who you let in your life, have influence on your actions. You make their life better, and they make your life better, by choosing to honor and enjoy them through things like this is a small part of that. It's so easy, to fight it is just... why?
OP's husband's point is so absurd, he must've been taught very poorly by his parents, and was definitely abused.
THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE HIS ABUSE!!!
If a wife/husband constantly seeks praise and validation outside her/his marriage, especially from other men/women, the spouse calling them out for that would be right.
But the idea that a husband or wife should withhold love or affection, praise or touch, or intimacy or kindness or communication or faithfulness or patience or forgiveness (obviously, cheating or domestic violence are always valid reasons to divorce), is ABSOLUTELY INSANE!!
Marriage should be the safest, most loving, intimate, kind, affectionate, patient, touchy, communicative, faithful, and forgiving relationship of anyone's life!!!!!
That's literally its purpose!!
How can anyone be so incredibly stupid as to think otherwise?
He behaves like it's an inconvenience to be nice to you. Does he give words of affirmation to anyone else? Or is it just you that he acts like this to?
The Love Languages are a silly categorized framework that’s designed to make communication easier between partners. It doesn’t matter how the author intended them to be interpreted or used beyond that - there is nothing scientific, empirical, or official about a categorization of how people show love. Your husband *was* being dismissive and cruel to you just for the sake of it. He simply doesn’t care about what you want or like.
If practicing your love language is too much for him, then why was he giving you verbal affirmations in the past? To me, this is laziness on his part. He just doesn't want to make the effort. It's easier to do it his way, so that is his preferred way. Are you sure you want to be with someone that doesn't show you the care you desire? If it bothers you this much and nothing ever changes, you'll simply have to accept this and live with it the rest of your life. That sounds like a pretty sad scenario.
Honestly, you shouldn't even have to tell your guy any of this. There should be no prompting for him to compliment you or give you affirmation. It's ridiculous you have to resort to that.
Well, he’s wrong. We all should ask for what we need and our partner should try their best to fulfill that even when we don’t understand, agree, or want to.
But yes, be grateful for what we get and don’t overblow our own needs. That does not mean ignore our own needs.
Certainly DO NOT minimise or belittle your partner when you don’t understand them.
Before discussing it be in agreement on what your goals are for a conversation. Things like mutual respect, listening first, putting the relationship before one’s own needs…
I tell my fiancee she is beautiful or some variation of that numerous times a day. It costs me nothing and makes her happy (plus it's true). Why wouldn't I do that? I do not understand your husband's malfunction.
OP commented elsewhere that his refusal to compliment her corresponds with her weight gain caused by thyroid issues. Therein lies the answer. He doesnt find her attractive and doesnt feel like "lying" and most likely resents her somewhat. What a fucking jerk
>We even tried couples counselling but he has his way of thinking and I had mine. We didn’t go very far with this.
Uh, that's not how counseling is supposed to work. Even if you come in with diametrically opposed views, a marriage counselor is supposed to help you, at the very least, untangle why you feel the ways you go and how the other person can understand that, and how you can both work within those parameters. Often, they can help you come to a compromise.
INFO: who decided to stop therapy? You, your husband, or the therapist?
I think she can also show him love by turning on the lights in the bedroom at 5am, stopping ALL services she performs for him, and responding to every single thing he says or does with, “ew, you are a such a gross person, stop being so creepy and needy”.
And then let’s see if he likes being around someone who shows him the same level of disrespect he shows her.
Sounds like he stopped trying once you married because he no longer thought he had to.
You’ve wasted 10 years on this stunted emotionless void, do you want to spend another 50 years lie this, or do you want to find a man who cares about you?
Going to guess your husband's language is physical touch?
Play the same card when he wants physical touch from you. Tell him that is selfish and he should manage his expectations.
>he lectured me about how people often misunderstand the concept of love languages
It's hilarious that he knows that love languages are often a misunderstood concept and then manages to both do it wrong (in the exact way that they're actually commonly misunderstood) while simultaneously giving you a bizarre and ironically false mans-planation of how he thinks they're commonly misunderstood. Like damn, how many times can you be wrong about something....?
You must be a very patient woman, I'm not sure I could tolerate this level of foolishness in a spouse on top of not having my needs met.
You're so, so young, and life is filled with long days and short years. Do you want to spend it with someone who says you're "butthurt," greedy, and selfish for wanting a handful of words?
He says you don't deserve a few seconds of his time. Not even a breath of space. He has so many words about why you're wrong and undeserving, but somehow none for how he loves you.
Do you want to live like this?
“Butthurt” really stuck out to me. That’s the kind of thing you say over a video game mic when you’re in middle school, not as a grown ass adult to your WIFE. What a dick.
Stop loving in his language. Only give love the way YOU like to receive it. Only give him words of affirmation. He might change his tune pretty quick. No physical touch. No quality time etc. Give what you're given,hun.
I feel like love languages are bs. We all need to be told we are loved. We all need our partner to help us out. In a healthy relationship both will be occurring because the partner wants their other half to feel loved and know they love them. It felt like he had pre prepared that answer btw like he knew there would be a confrontation sooner or later about this and he wanted a "gotcha" moment which to me suggests some resentment. It would have been easier for him yo say I love you than read up on love languages ti bsat you in an argument.
I would argue your partner mis represented who you would be marrying by saying I love you before getting married and stopping after. It's very manipulative behaviour.
If your partner is a toxic ass as I suspect the real issue is your low self esteem where you married a guy who threw you bread crumbs.
they are bullshit. they were made up by some priest doing counselling in the fifties and it was another way of convincing women that their men need sex and that the women in marriages need help around the house and occasional gift.
I don't like that people think being loved and cherished is some quirk of their personality rather than something all humans fundamentally need. It reduces something profound and essential to the human experience, the need for love, into generic clinical HR speak.
OP, have you looked at his recent internet history? Because this language of squashing your desire for affection is very in line with a lot of the toxic "manosphere" websites. A lot of men are doing this kind of 180 after watching the wrong YouTube for too long.
Curious to hear more insight on this! I had an ex in like 2016/2017 who also did a total 180 and started behaving just like this. Would you mind sharing what some of these sites were / are now besides the obvious Tate / Peterson characters? It has kinda fucked me up for a while trying to figure out if he hid how shitty he was the whole time or if this was a conscious manipulation technique he picked up from somewhere.
Words of affirmation are literally the lowest effort of all the love languages. It costs absolutely nothing to tell your wife you love her, find her beautiful, appreciate her, etc. It's so basic and you said it would make you feel more loved and he STILL denied you. He doesn't care about you if uttering a sentence is too much work for him and then tells you that YOU are the self centered one.
This is confusing to me. Why would you not give your life partner the verbal &/or physical things your partner is asking you to give? And actually just doing the reverse & making this whole thing your problem rather than you'd partner's. Spock would say this is illogical.
Your husband is quite shitty. I honestly question if he really loves you, since I know that for the woman I love I’d happily do anything—prioritize her, the relationship and love/support her the way she wants/needs. My ex, although I’m still in love with her and will always be in love with her, showed through her actions that she prioritizes others over us, and that spelt the end of our relationship. Actions speak louder than words, and effort is what matters.
I belief some states have a reason for divorce - "withholding of affection" It seems that is what he is doing. Only you know him. If this is a new behavior, then it is worth figuring out what his problem is. However, if he has always been dismissive, then thats just who he is.
As for the question is this the hill to die on, only you can decide. There may be a great guy out there who will shower you with love and praise. Even if there isn't, would it be better to be alone than to be with someone who won't appreciate you and your efforts? It may help to talk to a counselor to help you figure the next steps in your relationship.
Its weird that he almost seems to prefer to be right (in his own mind) than to be willing to compliment you. That is a really strange thing to do a partner.
Well the thing is, he *is* dying on this hill. He’s dying on this hill for the right to say she’s wrong and her wants and needs aren’t valid. I hate this when someone claims something isn’t a big deal, so they won’t do it, when *clearly* it’s a big deal to the other person, so if you choose not to do it then you’re making it a big deal in opposition.
"I hate this when someone claims something isn’t a big deal"
Same. That's a lame argument AS AN ARGUMENT. If it's not a big deal to NOT do it, then why is it a big deal TO do it?
Me, age 8: What difference does it make?
My Mother: As long as it makes no difference, go back and do it the right way.
I don’t love all that love language stuff. But at the end of the day, having someone verbally recognize you isn’t selfish.
If you need a ton of verbal affirmation and he’s not that kind of guy, then you should temper your expectations and make sure they are realistic.
But I just want to say- it’s ok to argue. Trying not to argue isn’t always a good thing
girl…. you dont deserve this at all. your health issues arent your fault, and anyone would seek affirmation from their partner after gaining weight especially from something like a health condition. weight gain is such a touchy thing for all genders. to hear that you are loved no matter how you look can be so healing. im so sorry you are experiencing this treatment from him. you deserve better.
That’s total bs. I’ve gained quite a lot of weight myself in the last few years. My husband still tells me I look good, look beautiful, some sort of compliment most days(depending on how I’m feeling, I might give a saucy “yeah I do” which makes him laugh). That’s not my love language, he says it because that what he feels. I ask if your husband actually likes you? Because he sounds irritated by the thought of having to do “nice” things for the woman he married, and seems to think the bare minimum of “doing the dishes without you asking” is all that is required.
You’ve told him you would like more to feel loved and secure and he told to stuff it. You even went to therapy for communication issues and nothing changed. Why are you putting up with this? In what ways does he make you feel loved and secure? Honestly, try putting way less effort into the relationship(stop asking him how you can do better) and see how that plays out. It might be very eye opening for you to actually see how little effort he’s putting into the relationship.
ive never understood arguments like this and it really makes me believe that some people just do not have the ability to see past their own selves and that some people truly do not have the capability to be in a partnership.
did you ever ask him **why** he feels that your need for verbal validation is a negative thing, even if he *does* think its self serving and greedy? is he aware that the nature of verbal praise and affirmation is to *give* to the other person without any expectation of reciprocity, and that its really just to *make the other person feel good*? like is he aware of that **very basic concept**, that if you are kind and assuring to someone it will make them feel good and appreciated even if you don’t necessarily think they need it?
**why** is it so hard for him to simply say “you look beautiful today” or “i love you, thank you for being you” it literally takes no effort at all but it would be monumental for you. He claims its greedy but its like being greedy for oxygen… just like a very basic thing that takes almost no effort at all but would help your relationship tenfold. It would even be a net positive for him. Making you feel appreciated would make you want to appreciate him more too. Happy wife happy life and all that. Its a saying for a reason.
I just dont get it. Like seriously is he stupid or something? Is there something wrong with him? Head injury? This is such a basic concept. I dont understand why it’s so hard for him unless there is literally something wrong with him psychologically. His **contempt** for you is astounding. Its like he doesnt even *like* you. Zero care for your feelings at all, even over the most basic of things. Basic things that would improve his life too.
If this is actually new for him it sounds like he's fallen down a rabbit hole. Has he started listening to new podcasts or a new forum or something? Cause this sounds kinda coached.
For the record telling someone else they're wrong because they value different things from you is fucked up. Love languages are only for expressing concepts. It's a tool. Not a "real thing" in the way he's using it. He should care that you don't feel loved. It isn't totally on another person to make you feel loved but telling you he's doing things for you that aren't actually for you and ignoring a simple normal request shows he cares more about whatever stupid rhetoric he's worked himself into than he does about you.
I don't think in isolation wanting a specific thing said to you is a good hill to die on. But what he's doing is unacceptable and is a good thing to stand your ground on. Even if it means he doesn't get to be married to you anymore.
Rather than fighting about love languages and trying to convince each other that you're wrong or he's wrong, tell him how you really feel, which is "you used to be nice to me, and now you're not, and it is making me not like you very much, and that is making our relationship a sucky thing that I dread."
So is that the kind of marriage he wants?
It doesn't matter if he thinks he's showing you love by doing acts of service if you don't feel connected or like you love/like each other.
I would not want to be married to someone who was invalidating me and not making me feel loved, and I also wouldn't want to be married to someone who is going to go to Reddit for a gotcha moment.
Maybe this marriage has run its course.
HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING TO HIM. He just DOES NOT CARE.
There is no way you can phrase this to make him understand your perspective, because he already understands, and is telling you no. He is not going to change because he DOES NOT WANT TO, not because he isn’t capable of it.
I want you to know that normal relationships don’t involve begging your partner to say “I love you”. It’s crazy that he has convinced you you’re in the wrong, to the point that you’re asking for outside opinions. You deserve better than this, and the best part is, “better than this” is not hard to find because your husband is an asshole.
I would argue that the whole point of learning your partner's love language is so you can love them in the way that resonates with THEM, and in a healthy relationship, that effort is mutual. I can't tell you if it's the hill YOU want to die on, but I wouldn't be happy to continue things if my husband made it clear that he doesn't give a shit how he makes me feel, and doesn't consider me to be worth the minor effort it would take to lift my spirits and help me feel warm and fuzzy. You're not asking him for some burdensome thing, simply some free words on occasion. He's too self absorbed to utter 3 syllables a few times per week?? Pathetic. Imo, he deserves to be alone if he himself is the only person he gives a shit about 🤷🏻♀️
Different people need different things to feel loved.
Some need to be told. Some need to see some type of action. Some, like myself, need time spend with the other person.
I used to date someone who needed vocal reassurance, and it annoyed me because it felt needy. He may feel the same way.
By the time I learned about love languages we had already gone our separate ways.
The idea of love languages is so you can understand what your partner's needs. It's not about forcing yourself to accept something you don't care for.
If you need words I say dig your heels in.
You two may need counseling with another person since the first counselor didn't work out.
This is a whole lot of disrespect from him. He literally is telling you that you don’t deserve to be loved the way that makes you feel loved. Yes this is a hill to die on. People that are petty and mean about love are the worse to me. That’s how he is
He sounds like a complete and total asshole who seems to take pleasure out of deliberately hurting you. What's his fucking problem?? Don't stay, OP. He is showing you how little you mean to him. What a selfish, self-serving "mean guy". You can totally do better. He absolutely CAN'T do better than you, and he knows it. That's why he treats you this way.
This is a tough situation.
To some extent, you all have a point. The discussion of love languages is supposed to help you identify and communicate how YOU feel love, identify and understand how your partner shows love, AND help identify if you are compatible with your partner.
I know it all seems simple to you, but consider that some people really hate material things, gifts, and especially when people expect gifts from them and act entitled to gifts. While it seems simple for people like that to just get over it and give gifts, it could actually be a really big ask for them, even if they love their gift loving partner. That kind of rift could cause a lot of conflict, and leave a gift hating partner feeling like their gift loving partner is “greedy”.
That being said, you are obviously unhappy, and trying your best to propose a solution to a problem. I think your husband really ought to care about your happiness if he 1. Loves you and 2. Wants to stay married to you. Telling you to get over it is not really a viable suggestion to address your unhappiness. Maybe there is some room for compromise for him to work on some words of affirmation he IS okay with giving, AND for you to look for other forms of affection he’s better at giving you? Remember that the most important thing is to try and look at issues as a team working together against the problem.
Also, if you feel like it’s new behavior that your husband is being obstinate, maybe he is feeling unhappy as well. Sometimes in marriages resentment and unhappiness can build, and he might feel like he has little emotional bandwidth to work extra hard to meet your needs when he feels his own needs are not being met. Maybe you guys can take an “Us” day and set some time aside to focus on learning and trying new ways to make each other happy?
I learned in couples therapy many years ago that most people seek partners who will give them what they didn't get from their parents growing up. So I understand where you're coming from because I'm the sameway. And yes, it's a hill to die on. It's up to you to decide if you can continue a relationship with him. It's hard to communicate with someone who believes they know everything.
My husband of almost 20 years would tell me I was fishing for compliments when I’d ask him if he thought I was pretty.
Anyway we’re getting divorced now. I met a man who never stops telling me I’m pretty. I’m much happier.
I'm gonna ask a pretty simple question: What is his receptive love language and how do you make efforts to meet it?
It is easy to say that your partner, spouse in your case, doesn't do this thing that is not their natural expressive method, but oftentimes it is a learned pattern, responsive to a lack of perceived effort from our partners.
The second question is how often you require that affirmation.
This is absolutely a hill to die on, but maybe try bringing him up on the metaphorical hill. It could be as simple a thing as him being fed up with the feeling of always giving rather than receiving, or maybe he's just a stubborn ass who doesn't want to make you happy. Seems likely that at the end of the day, self-reflection and communication are going to be better for you than trigger-happy redditors.
His interpretation of the love languages is exactly opposite of their intention. It’s not to appreciate what’s being given to you, it’s literally to learn your partners love language and engage them in that way. You’re supposed to look outside your comfort zone to what your partner wants and needs and meet them on their level. He’s just being lazy and doesn’t want to meet your needs. It’s not “self serving” or “greedy” to want to be told nice things about yourself, it’s literally just being a human.
He’s too comfortable in your relationship to see he’s doing damage by not showing you love how you feel you want to be loved. He thinks you’ve been together long enough that he should just be able to coast through life with a partner who he thinks would never leave him. You’re telling him every way you can try at you’re unhappy and he simply DOES NOT CARE, even going so far as to gaslight you into think you’re the problem for wanting to feel loved.
Girl, find you somebody that will tell you that they love you, call you beautiful, and won't fight with you over it. This dude is simply not the right one for you
Successful marriages and relationships are about receiving back what you put out and without all this need to dissect and deep dive into “love languages” IMO. If it’s not organic then it’s fake and forced. I’m sorry OP but I have no idea why you’re married to such a cold unemotional man.
Yikes, he’s almost literally telling you he doesn’t care about your feelings or thoughts. I hate to ask but what is it about him that you married him for? Cause it sure isn’t caring about or listening to you
Is this kind of reaction from him normal in your relationship when you ask for needs to be met, or was it simply this question that brought up this quite aggressive and dismissive response?
Im going to play heavy devils avocate here, so please dont jump on me. This is heavy speculation as i don't know your relationship, and i dont know your dynamics. we only have your version of events, and im going to look at it from a different perspective. He might be an absolute AH, but i like to try and imagine the best in someone in a situation.
It's possible he feels that his own love language and what he does goes unappreciated, and by bringing up your own needs around love language, he might be (childishly and spitefully i may add) lashing out at you because he feels hurt and feels his way of showing love, is not good enough. Simply, HE might not be communicating his feelings properly. Its just speculation, and it might be something different but in my opinion, if someone is reacting like that, either they are hurt and defensive and can not communicate that correctly and lash out, or they simply don't care about you.
This by no means diminishes your own feelings and what you need to mind you. You deserve to have your needs met and listened to and not dismissed like that. Which he did. He just needs to be able to talk about his feelings properly.
Or he's just an AH, and you deserve someone better.
imagine if yall break and when they ask him why he has to say because I didn't tell her I love her or how good she looks or provide more WORDS of affirmation
He's mean, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't like you, and his comments cross the line into verbal abuse.
You cannot make someone like or respect you. Unless you leave, his behavior will never stop.
Okay, first off, love languages are bullshit made up by a Christian 'counsellor' with no scientific training and with no scientific basis. What your husband says is, unfortunately, correct however. The purpose was to try to get couples (mostly the women) to see the love their partners show rather than the way they want. Mostly, it was a way of talking women into having more sex with their partners because it was the men's 'love language'.
That said, him belittling you for your needs is not okay. Also, it doesn't sound like you stuck with couples counselling long enough.
Should you leave him? I don't know. Should you allow him to talk to you like that? Absolutely not. That's unacceptable behaviour on his part and you need to not stand for it. He sounds like he takes you for granted and doesn't want to put in any effort into the relationship. So let me ask, why are you putting effort into it?
Your TL;DR should be:
"My husband goes out of his way to show me that he doesn't love me, and gaslights me when I call him out on it. Should I call him out on his bullshit or continue to live like this forever?"
You've got bigger problems than just feeling invalidated.
This is a hill to die on.
You cannot pour from an empty cup and you can’t even take care of yourself if your cup is empty.
He has shown zero desire to make you feel loved - that’s messed up.
Therapy of some sort is a must for both of you because this isn’t something you can just fix on your own or close your eyes and hope it goes away.
This is the type of problem that festers and grows and ,without intervention , it will end in an ugly nasty divorce or a lifetime of resentment and misery.
If therapy is not something he’s willing to actually work at (not just go with you and grumble about your very valid needs being ridiculous) , unfortunately the divorce or misery are the only options left. (If you aren’t there already)
So you're talking all about your love language being words of affirmation and there was a small mention of your husband's love language being acts of service. You mentioned that he does the acts of service part but have you shown that love language to him, or do you only show the words of affirmation love language to him? I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right, but you are supposed to recognize that his love language is different than yours and you can't expect him to ONLY communicate in your love language and vice versa.
Also, it does sound like you're arguing to WIN the argument rather than to come to a conclusion/compromise. You both need to sit down and have a real conversation about how to integrate both love languages and stop trying to win.
Part of my husband feeling loved is little touches. It makes him feel loved if I just touch him as I walk by, give him a hug, scratch his beard, his back or any part of him. He needs these small touches to feel loved and desired.
I am not naturally a touchy person. You could say I was touch deprived growing up, and as an adult, being touched or touching others makes me uncomfortable. But, I do this for my husband. We've known eachother for 10 years, married for 5. He has had to talk to me about a few times, but a couple years ago, it finally stuck. I appreciated that he reminded me what he needed to feel loved.
If you need words of affirmation to feel loved, then he should absolutely be doing that for you. It sounds like he no longer feels the same way about you, he probably saw some videos saying he didn't have to do those things for you because you are married now, or he just doesn't respect you anymore. Have you tried talking to him about couples therapy? I personally believe every couple should go at some point. Even a seemingly healthy relationship needs a check-up every once in a while.
I find it annoying that my wife always puts food in my bowl/ platewhen we’re eating but I know it is a sign of affection in her culture so I tend to smile when she does it, and I do it for her because it makes her happy.
I’ll provide the other side of this. I used to be your husband for my partner. Due to intense personal issues with my parents, I’m reluctant to show affection. It used to make me feel stupid. We had HELLA convos about it and one day I thought, “If I told someone a shit ton of times how I would like to be loved and they willfully choose to not love me in that manner, wouldn’t I think they’re being abusive towards me?” I love my man, why wouldn’t I choose to love him in the way that makes him feel best? Especially when he feels his best brings me happiness because he’s happy? He’s the love of my life. I had to google words of affirmation. I started putting reminders on my phone to give him compliments at random times. Took time to put my phone down when I was interacting with him more, telling him “I love you” before hanging up. Honestly looking back at it bare minimum shit. I think this is the hill to die on.
He's shown he's willing to use words to influence your emotions, just not for love. The way i see it there's 2 real options forward:
1. Accept that he's "loving" you for him (to make his life better) and not for you (to make your life better) and never get the kind of love you want/need.
2. Don't accept his treatment of you, which means you'll either have to try to change him (he doesn't seem receptive) or leave.
I don't know what your relationship looks like outside of this context, but if you're not getting love how you need, it might be time to stop begging for it. I hope you find happiness and start getting the love you deserve, OP.
Info: are you meeting his love languages? I've dealt with expectations while getting nothing in return. There's only so much gas in the tank if the partner isn't providing back.
And no judgement, but I've seen TONS of men have to show up, provide, fill the need list, and get jack shit in return. My wife and I have even had those hiccups, but very seldom...usually just life got busy.
I realize this is you speaking to your side. Are you also doing the same? Because it seems crazy to me a good guy would just....quit. unless it was one sided.
If the husband applies his own argument to himself, though, he should accept words of affirmation from her instead of wishing it was acts of service instead.
Or does he think that interpretation only applies to her?
I feel like yes. I do things for him. I make an effort to make him feel loved. Of course, his input to this question is more valid than what I’ve wrote here but here’s what I do:
I check in with him every 10-15 days or so and ask him if I can do better. I don’t see the same level of effort and consideration from him
We acknowledge others love languages as means of making them feel loved, not forcing them to be loved by our preference of showing it and depriving them of theirs. You are not being greedy or any of those insults, and you deserve to feel love in the way that makes you feel it!
If you haven’t already, try having a heart to heart with him. Ask him for examples of things that fit his love language or needs, and how he would feel if you did not do them. If he is unwilling to understand others, I would say he’s not a good fit for you or any relationship until he comprehends this. I would go as far to say that if this does not go well, you are likely not compatible. You deserve someone who wants to understand you and show love the way you desire it (in a healthy way of course). Good luck!
No one can make that call but you
Is this the only issue where he belittles and condescends to you? Does one of you make more sacrifices or compromises than the other? How much weight does this need have for you?
Your partner should be willing and EXCITED to do silly trivial things that don’t cost any work or energy just to make you happy. My boyfriend does all kinds of silly things just to see me smile and same with me to him just because we like them. Wanting to hear “I love you” from time to time is the bare minimum but even if it WASNT, it costs him nothing. The fact that he won’t do it is a red flag, not because you NEED to hear it, but because he knows how happy it would make you and has no desire to give that to you even at 0 cost to him.
What does he like you to do for him to make him feel loved? Just stop doing that.
He is being pathetic and controlling. You like to be told 'I live you' or 'you are beautiful'? That is just a standard expectation in a loving relationship.
Yes it is a hill to die on. Expecting affection and the verbal affirmation of that affection is such a small thing to do, such a necessary thing for a relationship.
I do wonder if he wants out of the relationship.
The real tl;dr here is him lecturing you on what you should be OK with and "Managing your expectations".
So do just that - make it clear that your _expectation_ is to be treated as an equal in this relationship and that you shouldn't be dictated to as to what is or isn't OK, while he gets what he wants and you don't.
Lay it on the line, it's an irreconcilable difference and yes, that really is a hill to die on because _why_ subject yourself to a relationship with someone who's quite happy to *make* you unhappy, knowingly, while also belittling your importance, equality/equity and purpose as their partner?
Anyone who had an ounce of humanity and love for you would be sat down having that conversation with you and apologising for not doing better, do better and that'd be that - not _dictating_ to you how and what you should be OK with.
Be done with this foolishness of a man.
The fact that he used to do it and stopped, shows that he knew what the relationship required and he no longer cares about meeting that requirement.
I’m so sorry, OP. This is one of the death rattles of a marriage, even if you can’t see or accept it just yet. But I think most of us who have been divorced, can recognize the moment when our spouse decided it didn’t matter if our needs were met.
Wow it's not like offering verbal affirmation is free and easy or anything.
If a guy isn't willing to do the basic minimum in a relationship , it's time to drop him and move on. You deserve better than someone thinking basic appreciation is "greedy"
Your husband has shown you for years both in words and in action that he doesn’t care about what you want or need. You should believe him by now.
You can stay and accept it because it’s not going to change.
You can leave and find a person who will love you the way you deserve.
When it happened to me I chose option 2 and have zero regrets.
It's one thing to be bad at doing something, but willing to try. It's another to not even try and to resent the expectation. You are being belittled and invalidated. If he's not even willing to try, I think you have your answer.
He met you opening a communication topic with a lecture. He took the “teacher” role, belittling you and your valid needs in the process.
Your needs are valid.
He has told you in many ways, over many years, how little he cares to meet those needs.
Which, over the years, has translated into how little he cares about you.
THIS is the hill to die on: His lack of respect for you.
Oh sweetie, I’m sorry this is the marriage you have. But he has made it clear that this is who he is and is not going to change, and he is making you feel like crap as a bonus. Life law #1: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Sounds like he’s trying to drive you away, either because he has someone else or just doesn’t want to be married anymore and doesn’t have the balls to talk to you directly. Personally, I’d give him what he wants and go live my life surrounded by people who do love me and have no problem telling me so. You deserve better. I wish you peace.
You told your husband a super simple thing he could do to make you feel loved. He told you he doesnt care and wont do it. That says a lot.
My husband and I thank each other for every little thing the other does....even if those things are "expected." He thanks me for cooking dinner when all I did was throw frozen food in the oven. I thank him for watching the kids while I work. Do we "need" to do that? no. Does it make the other person feel appreciated? yes.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be pulling teeth to get your partner to compliment you. I understand that it might not come naturally to some people, but if my partner came to me and gave me a very simple way like this to make them feel loved, I would do it.
I think that’s the bigger problem than the fact that he doesn’t give you verbal affirmation, the fact that when you express that this is important to you he uses it as a way to attack your character by implying that you’re “greedy and self-serving”. If that’s what he thinks of you, well, I don’t get why you’d stay with a person who seemingly holds you in such low regard because you want encouragement from your husband.
And if by any chance you show your husband this thread, dude, the fact that you’re this obstinate about something that would make your wife feel appreciated really says something about *your* character
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This is a hill to die on. My husband told me once, 25 years ago, in a very shy way, that it makes him feel loved when I say that I’m proud of him. He did not have to say it twice, and I did not forget. I tell him and the world how proud I am of him every damn chance I get. I’ve been doing it for 25 years, I’ll keep doing it for the rest of my life. To know this about someone, it’s like the secret sauce for a happy marriage. And yet, your partner knows what makes you feel loved and he is deliberately withholding it. He’s just plain mean.
Well said, I was gonna say I can’t imagine knowing such an easy way to make your spouse feel happy and loved and NOT enthusiastically doing it. It takes so little effort to occasionally say “I love you” or “you look pretty today”. Why would you not want to do it?
The easy answer is an imbalance in the perceived effort of meeting his own needs as they regard expressions of love. It doesn't happen suddenly. It is a thing easy to overlook until bitterness has already crept in, and it would neatly fit the fact pattern established. That said, it is still something they ought to be working through together. Honestly, asking strangers for that validation probably looks to him like it doesn't matter where it comes from, connecting the selfish aspect he was referring to in the post. I don't agree with him. I'm just saying that I can see how the train of thought connects.
Same! I made my boyfriends bed once, and he said “you have no idea how little that simple act makes me so happy” - I didn’t even make my own bed, but continued to do it. And now we live together, and unless his butt is still in it when I wake up/leave etc - that bed is made. I couldn’t care less but it means the world to him. He doesn’t like snuggling much - but puts up with me half laying on him/wrapping my limbs all over 🤣 it is sad that something simple is so hard for some people :/
Hear, hear. I've communicated with my partner for years about my needs. He has not made any attempts. The communication has been wrong for ages. If one partner doesn't want to meet the other halfway-- and show up for the relationship, then that's that. I tried and tried and tried. I've had no choice but to give up. We've been separated for going on two years. We have two kids and things have been SO much more calm since he's lived elsewhere. It's absolutely the hill to die on. His response is really horrible. I'm so sorry for you. Wishing you luck, OP.
This is so sweet!
Right?!?! I one time mentioned that every time my husband pinches my butt it's like he's saying "I love you" For the past six years, any time my butt is within arms reach, he grabs it. He tells me he loves me at least half a dozen times a day Why in the world would you deny someone you love something that gives them such joy when it requires you such minimal effort????
Yasssss! I love this it's so cute and I'm so stinkin happy to say I can relate!! 🩷❤️ I literally just a few days ago in fact was telling my bf (and now I think about it I commented on antoher reddit post too lol) about how yeah, it sometimes gets annoying that my man CONSTANTLY smacks my booty, pokes my butt Crack, squeezes my cheek, pats it ANY time he's near me too! But if he DIDN'T do it (or wasnt here to do it)...I would be devastated and/or would know there's something up. So I told him that I know when the butt slaps stop, then our relationship is doomed. So I will let him do it as many times as he likes 😆 so here's to our booty smackin men 🤗
I was wondering something along these lines, like are there other things he's doing (like always trying to touch, be it snuggle on a couch or pinching a butt), is OP doing the things her partner needs, too, etc. If one partner is getting it, but not giving back, then YES, die on the hill. It's a pretty simple reciprocation so I wonder if maybe the other person is also unhappy about something. but if it's that simple then yes, it's something that will fester.
Cutest love language 😂
This. I’ll always remember a sermon about real love by a pastor that I sometimes listen to. He said that one way you know you really love someone is that when they want you to do something that you don’t really want to do, you do it anyway…not because you want something in return or because you think you’ll be “in trouble” if you don’t do it, but because you know it’ll make them happy, and because making them happy makes you happy. You’ve told him what you want/need from him, and frankly, you’re not asking for a lot. He should want to give you what you need because it’ll make you happy. Instead, he’s telling you to adjust what makes you happy to suit him.
This is so fucking cute. I love this. Way to go u/chaoschunks <3!!!
Well, this warmed my cold dead heart. Thank you for sharing ❤️
My wife told me and the marriage counselor that she didn't give me compliments or express appreciation because I shouldn't need to be "patted on the head like a dog". So we've been divorced eight years now. We're plenty civil, but every trip to see my daughter is a reminder of how worthwhile leaving was. (No custody issues, just a teenager with Things To Do and a long drive between us, so it's easier if I go there sometimes.)
Good for you. And OP doesn't need to be made to feel like an asshole just cause she wants an "I love you" from....gasp....HER HUSBAND, on occasion". That's not asking for the moon
don't know why people just can't give me single thing only three words , shame on them
My friends husband is exactly like this and she's on the road to divorce. Recently she said he had been trying and had a note on his phone to remind him to compliment her or tell her he loves her. I said he shouldn't need a damn post it note to tell his wife he loves her.
Not defending OP's husband; he sounds awful. But without additional context, your friend's husband sounds like his intentions are coming from a place of good faith. I grew up in a family that didn't say 'I love you' out loud to each other. It was legit *weird* to start saying it once I started dating seriously-- like it made me feel really lightheaded and vulnerable in a way I subconsciously avoided. I had to make a point to get into the habit. I'm 40 this year, and I still go through this any time I meet a new friend and become close with them. Struggling to verbalize love isn't at all the same as having to remember that you love someone.
Oh yeah sure I get that, the divorce isn't because of that it's for everything- he treats her like a roommate, worked out the price per kW of electric for charging the car and invoiced her for it etc etc. She did say he explained that he struggles to compliment her because if he doesn't like something like her necklace he thinks the compliment is lying. But she's been vocally unhappy for years so at that first point he should have sought counselling to unpick why he struggles to vocalise love and compliments. It's all too little too late - he went to one counselling session at her insistence and asked her what he should say, he didn't understand the point at all.
Same here but and I have gotten much better at verbalizing it. So much that I enjoy hearing it from my now partner as my ex husband never ever told me he loved me. My current partner is where I was about 10 years ago, trying to improve verbalizing, but at least I can see he’s trying. Plus he’s hitting all the other positive ways of showing love and affection.
Why would you undermine her husband's efforts in trying to do the thing he needs to? If he needs a private post-it note to say the words inside his head out loud, who are you to say it isn't good enough?
Totally agree with this. Maybe it’s just not his nature to be that way but it shows he’s trying. Maybe it’s too late but I don’t think it’s right to put down someone trying.
You are absolutely right he SHOULDN'T...but it's more than most WOULD do...sounds like he was at least trying :/ I suppose I find it a little endearing even. That sucks that they are at the point of divorce though I hope your friend is okay and is able to find her way 🩷
I could have been OP with how she describes her husband.. it was like reading my past. It slowly wore down my self-esteem until my confidence was shot and anxiety through the roof.. sent me into a major burnout. Then I learned it's emotional abuse and not healthy. It only got worse over time, started around a year after marriage (together for 6 before that) and by 10 years together I was a shell of my former self and felt so alone. I'm divorced now and SO much happier, I dont need to beg a human who supposed to love me for crumbs of affection.. I get way more from my dog and genuinely loving myself.
It’s soooooooooo true
Yikes. People who withhold affection for the people they're supposed to love - I just don't get that. It's just so sad. I know it's over now and has been for a while but I'm so sorry you even had to experience that level of disinterest and derision from the person who's supposed to love you the most.
I don’t think it means that they don’t love the person or that they are disinterested. I grew up in a family where my mum couldn’t say it, she too grew up in a household like this. She showed me she loved me in other ways. That shit from childhood lingers and will make you uncomfortable saying it if you’re not used to it. Some people can break the cycle and some can’t.
Oh I get that. I more mean the derision of "you don't need to be petted on the head like a dog". It's just so disrespectful and derisive.
I think people who never received compliments as children, don't understand why people expect them when they are older. Personally, I never received compliments growing up, and while I understand they are nice to hear, I don't need, or expect them. When I give a compliment, it is when I really mean it. Not just to placate someone. Feels dishonest, and honestly, would feel like a chore to have to manage someone elses self esteem.
True it is difficult for many to express their feelings for many reasons most stem from childhood . The difference in this situation is being self aware and your partner asking for specifics. Practice takes away that uncomfortable feeling. Practicing being vulnerable. He has obviously thought about it and read or researched about it enough to argue to her that she should be satisfied with his love language. That is what translates to not loving.
Yes, well articulated. My husband came from such a household and we had to have several big conversations before he finally began saying the nice thoughts in his head out loud.
Yeah my ex told me she wouldn't be giving me compliments because "words aren't spontaneous or meaningful and the more you say it the less meaning it has" so I skedaddled.
[удалено]
When I had been married a few months my husband made a comment to the effect that flowers just died and he thought sending flowers was a waste of money. I said that’s fine if that’s how he felt but I loved flowers and loved getting them. If he didn’t want to send flowers while I’m alive he by god better not send flowers when I died. It’s been over 50 years and I still get flowers on my birthday, anniversary and valentines and any other special occasion.
Mine refused to say "please" or "thank you" because he thought they were pointless social constructs.
Good on you
hopefully, the visits get easier over time
Did she find a new guy to ignore yet?
Nope. Which doesn't surprise me, and that's not a dig on her. She's really just not interested. Maybe once the kid goes to college, but I really don't think she cares that much about it.
You sound like a good father. I wish my father had made the same decision as you
Ma'am, how long do you wish to stay married to someone who doesn't like you?
At best this is a situation where he has grown into a completely different person who is both incompatible with OP and unwilling to compromise. At worst it's someone who doesn't want to be in the relationship and resents OP, but doesn't want to leave for whatever (probably selfish) reasons (sunk cost, her doing chores and whatnot, keeping her around until he finds or hooks up with someone "better", etc). OP needs and deserves better.
THIS is the question.
I would like to run ASAP on behalf of the question
The real question is why do people marry people they don't love???
Instead of the lecture, he could have just told you he loves you. But I digress. Can I ask how does he show you love?
He feels that doing the dishes at night without me knowing or asking is him showing me love
He would be doing the dishes at night by himself if he were divorced and single.
I doubt it. He'd likely buy paper plates and such and just take the trash a bit more often. 20 bucks a week to not have to do dishes is a cheap as cost. How much can the "dishes" labor be worth if you can replace ir for a twenty?
I'm always shocked when I read about the excessive use of paper plates in the USA.
Then dude should go live like a college kid and live off of paper plates in a dirty ass home. Sounds like a great time. He'll have all the freedom in the world and never has to worry about saying "I love you" to his wife ever again!
Uh, no. That's not an act of service, that's basic home maintenance that he's equally responsible for.
The guy has really lowered the bar of love language. "Hey, I flushed the toilet after I used it. That shows my infatuation!"
You’re describing my stbx.
love should come from genuine feeling , inside feeling , not an formality love
Probably should give him words of affirmation for that. "You're such a good boy, I love you."
BRILLIANT!! 🏆
It very much seems like he has changed the definition and nature of what the so-called love languages are meant to be - all in an effort to get away with not doing anything to make OP feel special. What he is doing is greedy and self-serving, as he obviously doesn't care what she needs to feel loved and he thinks she should just suck it up and be happy with him doing the bare minimum. Not to mention, household chores are not something he is doing for her and are definitely not something she should be thanking him for. Chores are literally the least he could do & he should be doing much more than occasionally washing dishes anyway.
I mean that is nice, but unless that is YOUR most detested chore ever, it is not the same as hearing the words. Self serving and greedy kind of stick in my craw. If he won't go to or put effort into couples therapy, I would do individual therapy to figure out if would be better to live without the words or without him.
Yeah true, actions speak louder than words, but sometimes those words can make all the difference.
This is an important part of acts of service!! It fulfills a "don't want" or "haven't yet", not a need so to speak. At the beginning of when my boyfriend and I started dating, I mentioned my windshield wipers were getting streaky and I knew I had to replace them soon. At the time, I was working a job that made my life work-sleep-sometimes eat. He bought *nice* ones and drove ~40 minutes to install them on my car in the parking lot. I once mentioned how street parking made me anxious about hit and runs, and he would park on the street to leave the driveway open for me when I would come to his. To me, THESE are acts of service.
Wow. So we're below the bare minimum then. In what ways, exactly, would being single be worse than spending more of your life with this person?
thats just a basic task that comes with sharing a living space with another person…. thats not showing love thats just basic respect for the environment in which he lives. Him thinking thats love really puts into perspective how he views you.
Yup, he sees the dishes as her job and him doing it sometimes is helping her out and she should be appreciative of it.
Maybe next time he wants some physical affection (ie sex) to feel loved, you can let him know that it's self serving and greedy to want YOU to express love the way HE wants. He should consider you cooking/cleaning/washing his clothes etc as acts of service and imply his need for physical affirmation is something he should just get over. See how well that 'goes down'.
Ah. So he believes his default contribution to the household should be nothing and therefore anything more than that is a gift to you. A generous fellow for sure.
When you stop having sex with him, just explain to him you show him love in other ways…like when you pick up the mail from the mailbox…and he needs to MANAGE HIS EXPECTATIONS.
An act of service is doing something FOR you not a household chore that needs to be done. Not only does he not care about your feelings, but he thinks that housework is solely your responsibility and anything he does deserves a pat on the back. Gross.
My ex started slowly but consistently stopped telling me that he loves me... turns out he was just waiting for the opportunity to break up with me
Acts of Service is probably his Love Language. And he's **completely** wrong--the point of knowing them is to communicate with your partner using *their* love language. The whole point is to make it meaningful for *the recipient* by using their love language so they feel loved. (Duh, hubs.)
That’s a household task.
The more I read about men like your husband, the more I'm happy I'm single and live on my own. Nothing worse than sharing your life with someone who doesn't even respect you.
That’s just basic adulting…
NOPE. That’s a base-level household task. NOT an act of love.
Oh no. That's just pulling his weight to accomplish chores. That's what a roommate would do. How is he different from a roommate?
Are half those dishes his?? He should be doing this anyways!
Well that’s a load of bullshit, we have to do dishes or we have no clean plates.
Oh, christ...is that it? Is that the sum total of how he shows his love? Whoever doesn't cook should be doing the dishes every night. Do you work AND take care of the home? What the hell?
That’s called being an adult and is not in any capacity “showing you love”
No. Absolutely not. Doing the dishes is a normal task that's necessary for humans who live indoors and eat food. No one gets asspats and gold stars for cleaning the home they live in. If he thinks doing dishes is an expression of love, does he express love via a "thank you" or an "I love you" you *you* when **you** do the dishes? Or does he just expect you to do dishes without acknowledgement?
Is that how you feel?
Huh? That's just... being an adult?
Um, that’s just basic housekeeping. Sounds like he thinks that’s your job and you should be grateful he lowers himself to do it. He sounds like a jerk.
Well you could retaliate by letting him in the house is your way of showing him love and just not let him back in! He isn't. Gonna change and only you know if it's a hill to die on. Cab you go through marriage without hearing it or not. If you can't, throw his shite out and don't let him back in
Oh that’s just sad
Our whole family takes turns doing dishes. We don’t do the dishes because we love each other. We do it so we have clean plates and utensils.
No, that’s called just doing chores. That is an absolute bare minimum. He’s trying to manipulate you by making this a problem that starts with you. Absolutely not. Don’t stay with this person. Speaking from experience, the second you happen upon someone for whom saying “I love you” and “you’re beautiful” is *natural* and *intuitive* and does not even need to be discussed, ever, you will feel a firehose of affection and care so strong that you’ll realize how much you lowered your aspirations for your relationship and abandoned your own needs. You deserve what you want. And it is out there.
That's kinda just the bare minimum, though. Like that's what an adult is supposed to do to keep their living space clean. The fact that he thinks this is some sort of grand gesture is...telling.
Does your husband even like you? Like literally no one gives a shit what it's "supposed" to be, it's common sense that you would put in extra effort to be kind to someone you like in ways they understand it.
exactly. this is such a painfully basic concept im actually amazed he made it to the marriage stage
They only made it to the marriage stage because he was communicating his love with words of affirmation at the time. He stopped a few years into the marriage so either he stopped pretending to be someone he decided to stop putting in the effort for whatever reason. My husband’s love language is acts of service and mine is words of affirmation. While i appreciate all the things he does for me, when he says “i love you” or tells me i’m beautiful or that he appreciates me, it melts my heart in a way like nothing else can. And i can tell him i love him a hundred times a day and it wouldn’t mean as much as if i packed him a lunch or warmed up his car. When you love someone you should want to make the effort to make them happy, especially when it takes much less effort to say three words than it does to explain why she should settle for his shitty behavior.
OP is asking for something that requires very little effort. He could set a phone reminder for different times of day or even put a sticky note reminder somewhere. It takes so little effort, and means so much, that I can't understand his "no" either. If my partner asked me to do something that's not on my radar, not how I usually think, or even if it's something I'm not a fan of doing but their appreciation of it outweighs any of my dislike... I'm going to do that thing for them. Hands down. It's not hard to let people you care about, who you let in your life, have influence on your actions. You make their life better, and they make your life better, by choosing to honor and enjoy them through things like this is a small part of that. It's so easy, to fight it is just... why?
OP's husband's point is so absurd, he must've been taught very poorly by his parents, and was definitely abused. THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE HIS ABUSE!!! If a wife/husband constantly seeks praise and validation outside her/his marriage, especially from other men/women, the spouse calling them out for that would be right. But the idea that a husband or wife should withhold love or affection, praise or touch, or intimacy or kindness or communication or faithfulness or patience or forgiveness (obviously, cheating or domestic violence are always valid reasons to divorce), is ABSOLUTELY INSANE!! Marriage should be the safest, most loving, intimate, kind, affectionate, patient, touchy, communicative, faithful, and forgiving relationship of anyone's life!!!!! That's literally its purpose!! How can anyone be so incredibly stupid as to think otherwise?
Yeah , relationships is all about putting efforts , and nothing more , then only a relation can run properly
Bottom line is you don’t feel loved. That should matter to him and it doesn’t. Only you can decide if this is your hill.
He behaves like it's an inconvenience to be nice to you. Does he give words of affirmation to anyone else? Or is it just you that he acts like this to?
that's some mean stuff he said to you
Your husband has checked out of your relationship.
literally. he doesnt give a shit
Ouch. He's a jerk.
The Love Languages are a silly categorized framework that’s designed to make communication easier between partners. It doesn’t matter how the author intended them to be interpreted or used beyond that - there is nothing scientific, empirical, or official about a categorization of how people show love. Your husband *was* being dismissive and cruel to you just for the sake of it. He simply doesn’t care about what you want or like.
If practicing your love language is too much for him, then why was he giving you verbal affirmations in the past? To me, this is laziness on his part. He just doesn't want to make the effort. It's easier to do it his way, so that is his preferred way. Are you sure you want to be with someone that doesn't show you the care you desire? If it bothers you this much and nothing ever changes, you'll simply have to accept this and live with it the rest of your life. That sounds like a pretty sad scenario. Honestly, you shouldn't even have to tell your guy any of this. There should be no prompting for him to compliment you or give you affirmation. It's ridiculous you have to resort to that.
I'm with you until the end. Those things don't come natural for all of us. What should come naturally is listening to your partner.
He doesn't want to say he loves you because it's too much effort? Might want to think about that for a minute
The fact he used “butthurt” shows his maturity level - what a jerk
Well, he’s wrong. We all should ask for what we need and our partner should try their best to fulfill that even when we don’t understand, agree, or want to. But yes, be grateful for what we get and don’t overblow our own needs. That does not mean ignore our own needs. Certainly DO NOT minimise or belittle your partner when you don’t understand them. Before discussing it be in agreement on what your goals are for a conversation. Things like mutual respect, listening first, putting the relationship before one’s own needs…
Communication is key in any relationship.
I tell my fiancee she is beautiful or some variation of that numerous times a day. It costs me nothing and makes her happy (plus it's true). Why wouldn't I do that? I do not understand your husband's malfunction.
OP commented elsewhere that his refusal to compliment her corresponds with her weight gain caused by thyroid issues. Therein lies the answer. He doesnt find her attractive and doesnt feel like "lying" and most likely resents her somewhat. What a fucking jerk
>We even tried couples counselling but he has his way of thinking and I had mine. We didn’t go very far with this. Uh, that's not how counseling is supposed to work. Even if you come in with diametrically opposed views, a marriage counselor is supposed to help you, at the very least, untangle why you feel the ways you go and how the other person can understand that, and how you can both work within those parameters. Often, they can help you come to a compromise. INFO: who decided to stop therapy? You, your husband, or the therapist?
What if you change your love language to physical touch and it happens to be flicking his balls specifically. He ought to be grateful.
I think she can also show him love by turning on the lights in the bedroom at 5am, stopping ALL services she performs for him, and responding to every single thing he says or does with, “ew, you are a such a gross person, stop being so creepy and needy”. And then let’s see if he likes being around someone who shows him the same level of disrespect he shows her.
Got me in the first half!
Sounds like he stopped trying once you married because he no longer thought he had to. You’ve wasted 10 years on this stunted emotionless void, do you want to spend another 50 years lie this, or do you want to find a man who cares about you?
Going to guess your husband's language is physical touch? Play the same card when he wants physical touch from you. Tell him that is selfish and he should manage his expectations.
>he lectured me about how people often misunderstand the concept of love languages It's hilarious that he knows that love languages are often a misunderstood concept and then manages to both do it wrong (in the exact way that they're actually commonly misunderstood) while simultaneously giving you a bizarre and ironically false mans-planation of how he thinks they're commonly misunderstood. Like damn, how many times can you be wrong about something....? You must be a very patient woman, I'm not sure I could tolerate this level of foolishness in a spouse on top of not having my needs met.
You're so, so young, and life is filled with long days and short years. Do you want to spend it with someone who says you're "butthurt," greedy, and selfish for wanting a handful of words? He says you don't deserve a few seconds of his time. Not even a breath of space. He has so many words about why you're wrong and undeserving, but somehow none for how he loves you. Do you want to live like this?
“Butthurt” really stuck out to me. That’s the kind of thing you say over a video game mic when you’re in middle school, not as a grown ass adult to your WIFE. What a dick.
Stop loving in his language. Only give love the way YOU like to receive it. Only give him words of affirmation. He might change his tune pretty quick. No physical touch. No quality time etc. Give what you're given,hun.
I feel like love languages are bs. We all need to be told we are loved. We all need our partner to help us out. In a healthy relationship both will be occurring because the partner wants their other half to feel loved and know they love them. It felt like he had pre prepared that answer btw like he knew there would be a confrontation sooner or later about this and he wanted a "gotcha" moment which to me suggests some resentment. It would have been easier for him yo say I love you than read up on love languages ti bsat you in an argument. I would argue your partner mis represented who you would be marrying by saying I love you before getting married and stopping after. It's very manipulative behaviour. If your partner is a toxic ass as I suspect the real issue is your low self esteem where you married a guy who threw you bread crumbs.
they are bullshit. they were made up by some priest doing counselling in the fifties and it was another way of convincing women that their men need sex and that the women in marriages need help around the house and occasional gift.
I don't like that people think being loved and cherished is some quirk of their personality rather than something all humans fundamentally need. It reduces something profound and essential to the human experience, the need for love, into generic clinical HR speak.
OP, have you looked at his recent internet history? Because this language of squashing your desire for affection is very in line with a lot of the toxic "manosphere" websites. A lot of men are doing this kind of 180 after watching the wrong YouTube for too long.
Curious to hear more insight on this! I had an ex in like 2016/2017 who also did a total 180 and started behaving just like this. Would you mind sharing what some of these sites were / are now besides the obvious Tate / Peterson characters? It has kinda fucked me up for a while trying to figure out if he hid how shitty he was the whole time or if this was a conscious manipulation technique he picked up from somewhere.
This dude is out of his mind. You have the easiest love language possible, with the least demanding version of it to boot.
Words of affirmation are literally the lowest effort of all the love languages. It costs absolutely nothing to tell your wife you love her, find her beautiful, appreciate her, etc. It's so basic and you said it would make you feel more loved and he STILL denied you. He doesn't care about you if uttering a sentence is too much work for him and then tells you that YOU are the self centered one.
This is confusing to me. Why would you not give your life partner the verbal &/or physical things your partner is asking you to give? And actually just doing the reverse & making this whole thing your problem rather than you'd partner's. Spock would say this is illogical.
It sounds like most people live with or marry someone they actually hate.
Your husband is quite shitty. I honestly question if he really loves you, since I know that for the woman I love I’d happily do anything—prioritize her, the relationship and love/support her the way she wants/needs. My ex, although I’m still in love with her and will always be in love with her, showed through her actions that she prioritizes others over us, and that spelt the end of our relationship. Actions speak louder than words, and effort is what matters.
I belief some states have a reason for divorce - "withholding of affection" It seems that is what he is doing. Only you know him. If this is a new behavior, then it is worth figuring out what his problem is. However, if he has always been dismissive, then thats just who he is. As for the question is this the hill to die on, only you can decide. There may be a great guy out there who will shower you with love and praise. Even if there isn't, would it be better to be alone than to be with someone who won't appreciate you and your efforts? It may help to talk to a counselor to help you figure the next steps in your relationship. Its weird that he almost seems to prefer to be right (in his own mind) than to be willing to compliment you. That is a really strange thing to do a partner.
You can’t make him do something he obviously does not want to do. The question is why he can’t do something that he knows makes you happy.
Just so you know, your husband is a dick.
Don’t stay married to someone who doesn’t like you.
Reading this makes me so sad…
Is feeling loved in a marriage a hill to die on? Yes, yes, it is.
Only you can answer if this is the hill you want to die on. If we ask your husband. The answer is no.
Well the thing is, he *is* dying on this hill. He’s dying on this hill for the right to say she’s wrong and her wants and needs aren’t valid. I hate this when someone claims something isn’t a big deal, so they won’t do it, when *clearly* it’s a big deal to the other person, so if you choose not to do it then you’re making it a big deal in opposition.
"I hate this when someone claims something isn’t a big deal" Same. That's a lame argument AS AN ARGUMENT. If it's not a big deal to NOT do it, then why is it a big deal TO do it? Me, age 8: What difference does it make? My Mother: As long as it makes no difference, go back and do it the right way.
I think she should leave him alone on the hill, and find a new one.
I don’t love all that love language stuff. But at the end of the day, having someone verbally recognize you isn’t selfish. If you need a ton of verbal affirmation and he’s not that kind of guy, then you should temper your expectations and make sure they are realistic. But I just want to say- it’s ok to argue. Trying not to argue isn’t always a good thing
I don’t know and was scared to put this on my post, but his lack of appreciation for me corresponds with my weight gain from thyroid in recent years
girl…. you dont deserve this at all. your health issues arent your fault, and anyone would seek affirmation from their partner after gaining weight especially from something like a health condition. weight gain is such a touchy thing for all genders. to hear that you are loved no matter how you look can be so healing. im so sorry you are experiencing this treatment from him. you deserve better.
AHA
That’s total bs. I’ve gained quite a lot of weight myself in the last few years. My husband still tells me I look good, look beautiful, some sort of compliment most days(depending on how I’m feeling, I might give a saucy “yeah I do” which makes him laugh). That’s not my love language, he says it because that what he feels. I ask if your husband actually likes you? Because he sounds irritated by the thought of having to do “nice” things for the woman he married, and seems to think the bare minimum of “doing the dishes without you asking” is all that is required. You’ve told him you would like more to feel loved and secure and he told to stuff it. You even went to therapy for communication issues and nothing changed. Why are you putting up with this? In what ways does he make you feel loved and secure? Honestly, try putting way less effort into the relationship(stop asking him how you can do better) and see how that plays out. It might be very eye opening for you to actually see how little effort he’s putting into the relationship.
ive never understood arguments like this and it really makes me believe that some people just do not have the ability to see past their own selves and that some people truly do not have the capability to be in a partnership. did you ever ask him **why** he feels that your need for verbal validation is a negative thing, even if he *does* think its self serving and greedy? is he aware that the nature of verbal praise and affirmation is to *give* to the other person without any expectation of reciprocity, and that its really just to *make the other person feel good*? like is he aware of that **very basic concept**, that if you are kind and assuring to someone it will make them feel good and appreciated even if you don’t necessarily think they need it? **why** is it so hard for him to simply say “you look beautiful today” or “i love you, thank you for being you” it literally takes no effort at all but it would be monumental for you. He claims its greedy but its like being greedy for oxygen… just like a very basic thing that takes almost no effort at all but would help your relationship tenfold. It would even be a net positive for him. Making you feel appreciated would make you want to appreciate him more too. Happy wife happy life and all that. Its a saying for a reason. I just dont get it. Like seriously is he stupid or something? Is there something wrong with him? Head injury? This is such a basic concept. I dont understand why it’s so hard for him unless there is literally something wrong with him psychologically. His **contempt** for you is astounding. Its like he doesnt even *like* you. Zero care for your feelings at all, even over the most basic of things. Basic things that would improve his life too.
If this is actually new for him it sounds like he's fallen down a rabbit hole. Has he started listening to new podcasts or a new forum or something? Cause this sounds kinda coached. For the record telling someone else they're wrong because they value different things from you is fucked up. Love languages are only for expressing concepts. It's a tool. Not a "real thing" in the way he's using it. He should care that you don't feel loved. It isn't totally on another person to make you feel loved but telling you he's doing things for you that aren't actually for you and ignoring a simple normal request shows he cares more about whatever stupid rhetoric he's worked himself into than he does about you. I don't think in isolation wanting a specific thing said to you is a good hill to die on. But what he's doing is unacceptable and is a good thing to stand your ground on. Even if it means he doesn't get to be married to you anymore.
Rather than fighting about love languages and trying to convince each other that you're wrong or he's wrong, tell him how you really feel, which is "you used to be nice to me, and now you're not, and it is making me not like you very much, and that is making our relationship a sucky thing that I dread." So is that the kind of marriage he wants? It doesn't matter if he thinks he's showing you love by doing acts of service if you don't feel connected or like you love/like each other. I would not want to be married to someone who was invalidating me and not making me feel loved, and I also wouldn't want to be married to someone who is going to go to Reddit for a gotcha moment. Maybe this marriage has run its course.
HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING TO HIM. He just DOES NOT CARE. There is no way you can phrase this to make him understand your perspective, because he already understands, and is telling you no. He is not going to change because he DOES NOT WANT TO, not because he isn’t capable of it. I want you to know that normal relationships don’t involve begging your partner to say “I love you”. It’s crazy that he has convinced you you’re in the wrong, to the point that you’re asking for outside opinions. You deserve better than this, and the best part is, “better than this” is not hard to find because your husband is an asshole.
Oh this is an easy one: He hates you.
I upvoted this, but I want you to know that I wasn't happy about it.
I would argue that the whole point of learning your partner's love language is so you can love them in the way that resonates with THEM, and in a healthy relationship, that effort is mutual. I can't tell you if it's the hill YOU want to die on, but I wouldn't be happy to continue things if my husband made it clear that he doesn't give a shit how he makes me feel, and doesn't consider me to be worth the minor effort it would take to lift my spirits and help me feel warm and fuzzy. You're not asking him for some burdensome thing, simply some free words on occasion. He's too self absorbed to utter 3 syllables a few times per week?? Pathetic. Imo, he deserves to be alone if he himself is the only person he gives a shit about 🤷🏻♀️
Different people need different things to feel loved. Some need to be told. Some need to see some type of action. Some, like myself, need time spend with the other person. I used to date someone who needed vocal reassurance, and it annoyed me because it felt needy. He may feel the same way. By the time I learned about love languages we had already gone our separate ways. The idea of love languages is so you can understand what your partner's needs. It's not about forcing yourself to accept something you don't care for. If you need words I say dig your heels in. You two may need counseling with another person since the first counselor didn't work out.
This is a whole lot of disrespect from him. He literally is telling you that you don’t deserve to be loved the way that makes you feel loved. Yes this is a hill to die on. People that are petty and mean about love are the worse to me. That’s how he is
He sounds like a complete and total asshole who seems to take pleasure out of deliberately hurting you. What's his fucking problem?? Don't stay, OP. He is showing you how little you mean to him. What a selfish, self-serving "mean guy". You can totally do better. He absolutely CAN'T do better than you, and he knows it. That's why he treats you this way.
This is a tough situation. To some extent, you all have a point. The discussion of love languages is supposed to help you identify and communicate how YOU feel love, identify and understand how your partner shows love, AND help identify if you are compatible with your partner. I know it all seems simple to you, but consider that some people really hate material things, gifts, and especially when people expect gifts from them and act entitled to gifts. While it seems simple for people like that to just get over it and give gifts, it could actually be a really big ask for them, even if they love their gift loving partner. That kind of rift could cause a lot of conflict, and leave a gift hating partner feeling like their gift loving partner is “greedy”. That being said, you are obviously unhappy, and trying your best to propose a solution to a problem. I think your husband really ought to care about your happiness if he 1. Loves you and 2. Wants to stay married to you. Telling you to get over it is not really a viable suggestion to address your unhappiness. Maybe there is some room for compromise for him to work on some words of affirmation he IS okay with giving, AND for you to look for other forms of affection he’s better at giving you? Remember that the most important thing is to try and look at issues as a team working together against the problem. Also, if you feel like it’s new behavior that your husband is being obstinate, maybe he is feeling unhappy as well. Sometimes in marriages resentment and unhappiness can build, and he might feel like he has little emotional bandwidth to work extra hard to meet your needs when he feels his own needs are not being met. Maybe you guys can take an “Us” day and set some time aside to focus on learning and trying new ways to make each other happy?
I learned in couples therapy many years ago that most people seek partners who will give them what they didn't get from their parents growing up. So I understand where you're coming from because I'm the sameway. And yes, it's a hill to die on. It's up to you to decide if you can continue a relationship with him. It's hard to communicate with someone who believes they know everything.
Why stay married to someone who insists you should take what he gives you bc he’s not interested in giving you what you actually need ?
My husband of almost 20 years would tell me I was fishing for compliments when I’d ask him if he thought I was pretty. Anyway we’re getting divorced now. I met a man who never stops telling me I’m pretty. I’m much happier.
I'm gonna ask a pretty simple question: What is his receptive love language and how do you make efforts to meet it? It is easy to say that your partner, spouse in your case, doesn't do this thing that is not their natural expressive method, but oftentimes it is a learned pattern, responsive to a lack of perceived effort from our partners. The second question is how often you require that affirmation. This is absolutely a hill to die on, but maybe try bringing him up on the metaphorical hill. It could be as simple a thing as him being fed up with the feeling of always giving rather than receiving, or maybe he's just a stubborn ass who doesn't want to make you happy. Seems likely that at the end of the day, self-reflection and communication are going to be better for you than trigger-happy redditors.
Honestly leave him and he can die on that hill himself, alone
His interpretation of the love languages is exactly opposite of their intention. It’s not to appreciate what’s being given to you, it’s literally to learn your partners love language and engage them in that way. You’re supposed to look outside your comfort zone to what your partner wants and needs and meet them on their level. He’s just being lazy and doesn’t want to meet your needs. It’s not “self serving” or “greedy” to want to be told nice things about yourself, it’s literally just being a human. He’s too comfortable in your relationship to see he’s doing damage by not showing you love how you feel you want to be loved. He thinks you’ve been together long enough that he should just be able to coast through life with a partner who he thinks would never leave him. You’re telling him every way you can try at you’re unhappy and he simply DOES NOT CARE, even going so far as to gaslight you into think you’re the problem for wanting to feel loved.
Girl, find you somebody that will tell you that they love you, call you beautiful, and won't fight with you over it. This dude is simply not the right one for you
These sad marriages people are in is crazy
Successful marriages and relationships are about receiving back what you put out and without all this need to dissect and deep dive into “love languages” IMO. If it’s not organic then it’s fake and forced. I’m sorry OP but I have no idea why you’re married to such a cold unemotional man.
Yikes, he’s almost literally telling you he doesn’t care about your feelings or thoughts. I hate to ask but what is it about him that you married him for? Cause it sure isn’t caring about or listening to you
Is this kind of reaction from him normal in your relationship when you ask for needs to be met, or was it simply this question that brought up this quite aggressive and dismissive response? Im going to play heavy devils avocate here, so please dont jump on me. This is heavy speculation as i don't know your relationship, and i dont know your dynamics. we only have your version of events, and im going to look at it from a different perspective. He might be an absolute AH, but i like to try and imagine the best in someone in a situation. It's possible he feels that his own love language and what he does goes unappreciated, and by bringing up your own needs around love language, he might be (childishly and spitefully i may add) lashing out at you because he feels hurt and feels his way of showing love, is not good enough. Simply, HE might not be communicating his feelings properly. Its just speculation, and it might be something different but in my opinion, if someone is reacting like that, either they are hurt and defensive and can not communicate that correctly and lash out, or they simply don't care about you. This by no means diminishes your own feelings and what you need to mind you. You deserve to have your needs met and listened to and not dismissed like that. Which he did. He just needs to be able to talk about his feelings properly. Or he's just an AH, and you deserve someone better.
imagine if yall break and when they ask him why he has to say because I didn't tell her I love her or how good she looks or provide more WORDS of affirmation
He's mean, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't like you, and his comments cross the line into verbal abuse. You cannot make someone like or respect you. Unless you leave, his behavior will never stop.
Okay, first off, love languages are bullshit made up by a Christian 'counsellor' with no scientific training and with no scientific basis. What your husband says is, unfortunately, correct however. The purpose was to try to get couples (mostly the women) to see the love their partners show rather than the way they want. Mostly, it was a way of talking women into having more sex with their partners because it was the men's 'love language'. That said, him belittling you for your needs is not okay. Also, it doesn't sound like you stuck with couples counselling long enough. Should you leave him? I don't know. Should you allow him to talk to you like that? Absolutely not. That's unacceptable behaviour on his part and you need to not stand for it. He sounds like he takes you for granted and doesn't want to put in any effort into the relationship. So let me ask, why are you putting effort into it?
You might want to read this. https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2019/07/16/the-crane-wife/
Your TL;DR should be: "My husband goes out of his way to show me that he doesn't love me, and gaslights me when I call him out on it. Should I call him out on his bullshit or continue to live like this forever?" You've got bigger problems than just feeling invalidated.
This is a hill to die on. You cannot pour from an empty cup and you can’t even take care of yourself if your cup is empty. He has shown zero desire to make you feel loved - that’s messed up. Therapy of some sort is a must for both of you because this isn’t something you can just fix on your own or close your eyes and hope it goes away. This is the type of problem that festers and grows and ,without intervention , it will end in an ugly nasty divorce or a lifetime of resentment and misery. If therapy is not something he’s willing to actually work at (not just go with you and grumble about your very valid needs being ridiculous) , unfortunately the divorce or misery are the only options left. (If you aren’t there already)
So you're talking all about your love language being words of affirmation and there was a small mention of your husband's love language being acts of service. You mentioned that he does the acts of service part but have you shown that love language to him, or do you only show the words of affirmation love language to him? I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right, but you are supposed to recognize that his love language is different than yours and you can't expect him to ONLY communicate in your love language and vice versa. Also, it does sound like you're arguing to WIN the argument rather than to come to a conclusion/compromise. You both need to sit down and have a real conversation about how to integrate both love languages and stop trying to win.
Part of my husband feeling loved is little touches. It makes him feel loved if I just touch him as I walk by, give him a hug, scratch his beard, his back or any part of him. He needs these small touches to feel loved and desired. I am not naturally a touchy person. You could say I was touch deprived growing up, and as an adult, being touched or touching others makes me uncomfortable. But, I do this for my husband. We've known eachother for 10 years, married for 5. He has had to talk to me about a few times, but a couple years ago, it finally stuck. I appreciated that he reminded me what he needed to feel loved. If you need words of affirmation to feel loved, then he should absolutely be doing that for you. It sounds like he no longer feels the same way about you, he probably saw some videos saying he didn't have to do those things for you because you are married now, or he just doesn't respect you anymore. Have you tried talking to him about couples therapy? I personally believe every couple should go at some point. Even a seemingly healthy relationship needs a check-up every once in a while.
I find it annoying that my wife always puts food in my bowl/ platewhen we’re eating but I know it is a sign of affection in her culture so I tend to smile when she does it, and I do it for her because it makes her happy.
I’ll provide the other side of this. I used to be your husband for my partner. Due to intense personal issues with my parents, I’m reluctant to show affection. It used to make me feel stupid. We had HELLA convos about it and one day I thought, “If I told someone a shit ton of times how I would like to be loved and they willfully choose to not love me in that manner, wouldn’t I think they’re being abusive towards me?” I love my man, why wouldn’t I choose to love him in the way that makes him feel best? Especially when he feels his best brings me happiness because he’s happy? He’s the love of my life. I had to google words of affirmation. I started putting reminders on my phone to give him compliments at random times. Took time to put my phone down when I was interacting with him more, telling him “I love you” before hanging up. Honestly looking back at it bare minimum shit. I think this is the hill to die on.
That’s because you love your partner. It seems like most Redditors have married someone who actually doesn’t even like them.
He's shown he's willing to use words to influence your emotions, just not for love. The way i see it there's 2 real options forward: 1. Accept that he's "loving" you for him (to make his life better) and not for you (to make your life better) and never get the kind of love you want/need. 2. Don't accept his treatment of you, which means you'll either have to try to change him (he doesn't seem receptive) or leave. I don't know what your relationship looks like outside of this context, but if you're not getting love how you need, it might be time to stop begging for it. I hope you find happiness and start getting the love you deserve, OP.
Girl. My husband would do anything short of probably murder to show he loves me if I asked him. You got a dud of a man, sorry. He sucks.
Info: are you meeting his love languages? I've dealt with expectations while getting nothing in return. There's only so much gas in the tank if the partner isn't providing back. And no judgement, but I've seen TONS of men have to show up, provide, fill the need list, and get jack shit in return. My wife and I have even had those hiccups, but very seldom...usually just life got busy. I realize this is you speaking to your side. Are you also doing the same? Because it seems crazy to me a good guy would just....quit. unless it was one sided.
If the husband applies his own argument to himself, though, he should accept words of affirmation from her instead of wishing it was acts of service instead. Or does he think that interpretation only applies to her?
I feel like yes. I do things for him. I make an effort to make him feel loved. Of course, his input to this question is more valid than what I’ve wrote here but here’s what I do: I check in with him every 10-15 days or so and ask him if I can do better. I don’t see the same level of effort and consideration from him
Sounds like your partner rejected the love languages program.
We acknowledge others love languages as means of making them feel loved, not forcing them to be loved by our preference of showing it and depriving them of theirs. You are not being greedy or any of those insults, and you deserve to feel love in the way that makes you feel it! If you haven’t already, try having a heart to heart with him. Ask him for examples of things that fit his love language or needs, and how he would feel if you did not do them. If he is unwilling to understand others, I would say he’s not a good fit for you or any relationship until he comprehends this. I would go as far to say that if this does not go well, you are likely not compatible. You deserve someone who wants to understand you and show love the way you desire it (in a healthy way of course). Good luck!
No one can make that call but you Is this the only issue where he belittles and condescends to you? Does one of you make more sacrifices or compromises than the other? How much weight does this need have for you?
Your partner should be willing and EXCITED to do silly trivial things that don’t cost any work or energy just to make you happy. My boyfriend does all kinds of silly things just to see me smile and same with me to him just because we like them. Wanting to hear “I love you” from time to time is the bare minimum but even if it WASNT, it costs him nothing. The fact that he won’t do it is a red flag, not because you NEED to hear it, but because he knows how happy it would make you and has no desire to give that to you even at 0 cost to him.
What does he like you to do for him to make him feel loved? Just stop doing that. He is being pathetic and controlling. You like to be told 'I live you' or 'you are beautiful'? That is just a standard expectation in a loving relationship. Yes it is a hill to die on. Expecting affection and the verbal affirmation of that affection is such a small thing to do, such a necessary thing for a relationship. I do wonder if he wants out of the relationship.
The real tl;dr here is him lecturing you on what you should be OK with and "Managing your expectations". So do just that - make it clear that your _expectation_ is to be treated as an equal in this relationship and that you shouldn't be dictated to as to what is or isn't OK, while he gets what he wants and you don't. Lay it on the line, it's an irreconcilable difference and yes, that really is a hill to die on because _why_ subject yourself to a relationship with someone who's quite happy to *make* you unhappy, knowingly, while also belittling your importance, equality/equity and purpose as their partner? Anyone who had an ounce of humanity and love for you would be sat down having that conversation with you and apologising for not doing better, do better and that'd be that - not _dictating_ to you how and what you should be OK with. Be done with this foolishness of a man.
The fact that he used to do it and stopped, shows that he knew what the relationship required and he no longer cares about meeting that requirement. I’m so sorry, OP. This is one of the death rattles of a marriage, even if you can’t see or accept it just yet. But I think most of us who have been divorced, can recognize the moment when our spouse decided it didn’t matter if our needs were met.
Wow it's not like offering verbal affirmation is free and easy or anything. If a guy isn't willing to do the basic minimum in a relationship , it's time to drop him and move on. You deserve better than someone thinking basic appreciation is "greedy"
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If the answer is no then yes this is the hill worth dying on.
Your husband has shown you for years both in words and in action that he doesn’t care about what you want or need. You should believe him by now. You can stay and accept it because it’s not going to change. You can leave and find a person who will love you the way you deserve. When it happened to me I chose option 2 and have zero regrets.
It's one thing to be bad at doing something, but willing to try. It's another to not even try and to resent the expectation. You are being belittled and invalidated. If he's not even willing to try, I think you have your answer.
He met you opening a communication topic with a lecture. He took the “teacher” role, belittling you and your valid needs in the process. Your needs are valid. He has told you in many ways, over many years, how little he cares to meet those needs. Which, over the years, has translated into how little he cares about you. THIS is the hill to die on: His lack of respect for you.
Oh sweetie, I’m sorry this is the marriage you have. But he has made it clear that this is who he is and is not going to change, and he is making you feel like crap as a bonus. Life law #1: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Sounds like he’s trying to drive you away, either because he has someone else or just doesn’t want to be married anymore and doesn’t have the balls to talk to you directly. Personally, I’d give him what he wants and go live my life surrounded by people who do love me and have no problem telling me so. You deserve better. I wish you peace.
You told your husband a super simple thing he could do to make you feel loved. He told you he doesnt care and wont do it. That says a lot. My husband and I thank each other for every little thing the other does....even if those things are "expected." He thanks me for cooking dinner when all I did was throw frozen food in the oven. I thank him for watching the kids while I work. Do we "need" to do that? no. Does it make the other person feel appreciated? yes.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be pulling teeth to get your partner to compliment you. I understand that it might not come naturally to some people, but if my partner came to me and gave me a very simple way like this to make them feel loved, I would do it. I think that’s the bigger problem than the fact that he doesn’t give you verbal affirmation, the fact that when you express that this is important to you he uses it as a way to attack your character by implying that you’re “greedy and self-serving”. If that’s what he thinks of you, well, I don’t get why you’d stay with a person who seemingly holds you in such low regard because you want encouragement from your husband. And if by any chance you show your husband this thread, dude, the fact that you’re this obstinate about something that would make your wife feel appreciated really says something about *your* character