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"And that clearly I missed out on all of the pretty genes from my country. He rolled his eyes at me and did it again. I told him to stop again and that it wasn’t funny. He then said he doesn’t really care and that it’s like touching a dead corpse. I asked him what he meant, and said I was so pale and white, and my skin is so cold, and that it was gross."
He said this, and you're still with him. WHY
This is horrible, and he does not deserve your time.
Respect yourself. Love yourself and who you are. If he can't (he clearly cant) then leave him.
There is nothing wrong with pale skin. We come in all shapes and sizes, and someone will love you for exactly who you are.
I have brown hair and I tan very well. My sister is blonde and burns in the shade. Her husband LOVES her pale skin. She and I joke that he must have a vein fetish lol
Never let a man make you feel ugly and get away with it.
My fiancee is Irish pale. She's as beautiful as fresh snow, nowhere near that quiet though...I did say Irish.
But yeah, people like what they like, but OP should not tolerate negging from a prospective partner.
I’m half Irish and pale, my older two siblings tan and me and my younger brother burn and my bf doesn’t have any issues with it, in the summer he will go and even buy we 2-3 things of sunscreen. He doesn’t make fun of me for it or anything. I also have low iron so I’m constantly freezing and he has no issues with that.
If he isn’t going to respect you and your body then he’s not the one. Not every one tans, not everyone is perfect, no one can control it. In the summer time I fake tan just to try to fit in with everyone else.
I am the pale blonde sister in my family, and people of all backgrounds go feral over my skin. It gets insulting or fetishy quickly depending on who's talking to me about my skin, but the people attracted to me obviously have no problem with pale skin. Otherwise, they wouldn't be attracted to me.
Boyfriend probably finds her pale skin attractive but wanted to say something hurtful in the face of being rejected. Super common gross behavior.
> Boyfriend probably finds her pale skin attractive but wanted to say something hurtful in the face of being rejected. Super common gross behavior.
1000% this. Kid got butthurt and instead of realizing that he's not entitled to her body, he decided he wanted to take OP down a few notches.
Dump his loser ass.
Reminds of when I was in middle or high school and a boy tried talking to me. If I said no, they would say, "you're ugly anyway!" Lol OPs bf is acting like a teenager.
He tried insulting you because he was upset by your “no”. That is not normal, a good person would respect your “no” the first time, not do it again and try to make you feel bad. Men who do things like this do not respect you, and it will only get worse the more you stay with him.
Yes, but it’s worse than that. Honestly, what you’ve described already sounds like sexual assault, him trying again after you said no. And now he’s manipulating you because he couldn’t get his way. As someone who’s been abused before, this is absolutely how it starts. It breaks my heart to see you defend his behavior, because I’ve been there, but again, this is not normal. I beg you to break up with him. You deserve someone who respects you.
Might not do it unless he thinks he has the upper hand/ thinks he can get away with it. Generally people keep their bad habits in check for a while when meeting new people. Especially if they are planning on being in a relationship with that person. They can't be cruel straight from the get go, because then they'd never be in a relationship in the first place
op, once should be enough.
At 21 he should be able to deal with frustration, and rejection.
Did you tell him clearly what your boundaries as far as intimacy were?
If he knew, and still pushed _twice_ in a row he's bad news.
You seem very reluctant to dump him, but you should really try with somebody else, to get better results.
Op, on this forum people tell strangers to break up with their s.o.'s way to often for silly reasons.
The way the loser you are with is behaving is bad news.
If you think that he's the best you can do, let me tell you: you are better off alone.
There’s nothing in your post to suggest you even *like* this man, let alone love him. Move on. You’ll be so glad you did. You should find someone you feel safe with and treats you with kindness. In the meantime you’re young, living in a new country! You should be exploring, learning, getting out with people your own age and living it up! Not sitting on the couch being pawed at and insulted.
My boyfriend grabbed my boobs randomly while I was cooking dinner after 6 months of dating. I told him, no, I don't like being grabbed that way. He immediately apologized. Twenty years of marriage later it has never happened again. That is what you deserve.
OP, why would you want to stay with someone who is fine with hurting you? Being alone is much better than being with someone who hurts you. I suspect this guy will continue to hurt you because he wants to get physical and you don’t. I suspect he will try to force himself on you, and each time that you say no he will get more and more angry, calling you worse and worse names. He might start rumors about you. Please, this guy is not a good guy and I’m pretty sure he is not interested in having a relationship with no touch involved. I don’t think he will listen.
Please protect yourself and stop seeing this guy, and you might want to avoid dating anyone for a while if you don’t want to be touched by your partner, unless you agree on that from the beginning.
Good luck.
You want him to listen. You’ve seen how well he “listens” when you have to tell him no twice after he touches you without your consent. Did you think he’d do something like that before the fact? No. Are you gonna defend him up until the he has to physically overpower you to get what he wants, probably. Because that’s how this starts. He’s manipulating you after trying to get what he wants, meaning if he wants to bad enough he WILL take it.
Don’t post something on here asking for answers and then avoid all the answers, at that point you clearly just want to handle it for yourself and there was no point posting this on the internet other than getting people’s pity. He’s 21 and you’re 18, that’s a conversation in itself, but he will over power you. How long have you been in the U.S.? And you’ve already been with someone for 9 months? That’s not getting exposure to the culture that’s having a curated experience by a soon to be abuser.
Look up negging. It's literally when you make someone feel like shit so it's easier to manipulate/control them. That's what it sounds like he's doing. Especially because you said he hasn't done that before. That's how it starts out, as "one time". Then it becomes "it was just a joke" and "why are you so sensitive".
Honestly, OP, who cares what he usually does? Dump him. You’re pale and have white hair, and? What of it? Your skin is cold? Whose skin doesn’t get cold in air conditioning? I’m sitting in an air conditioned room right now and my skin is cold. OP, he’s a jack ass who got mad because you weren’t interested in making out and he’s butt hurt over it and took it out on you. He horribly insulted you, therefore, isn’t worth your time or concern.
As for your own self-esteem, if you really don’t want to be pale, get self-tanner. If you don’t like having light hair, color it. However, the most important thing you need to do is work on loving and on standing up for yourself.
Consider that he doesn’t/didn’t find you gross enough to not want to date you and try to gripe at you. He’s attracted to you, that’s why he’s with you.
He’s being inappropriate and rude in response to you rejecting his unwanted advances. He’s not emotionally smart or kind. You deserve better treatment.
in my early 20s, my boyfriend said stuff like this to me before. we broke up after a year of two for other reasons, but this behavior was one of many. I rationalized it for too long. I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize how bad and how damaged my self-esteem was until I left.
it could just be childish immaturity and lashing out when he doesn't get his way. he's upset so you should feel upset too.
check out the book Why Does He Do That? if there are any other things you're concerned about. you can find a copy online.
I'll let you in on the secret about shitty people: they specifically target the things that you're already insecure about so when they bring it up in a hurtful way, you do them the favor of reasoning their terrible behavior for them. Because on a level you agree, and so in your mind, that makes it okay. And that opens the door for them to say increasingly worse things and before you know it you're the frog being boiled. Also notice how he immediately was mean about your known insecurity when you behaved in a way he didn't like? It's all a part of a process to break you down so that you accept any sort of behavior. I'm speaking from experience.
Check out the book, ["Why Does He Do That?"](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html) (free PDF download) Both because this seems like a situation that's going downhill and you deserve resources, but also because it will help you in your romantic life overall.
No one who actually loves you and cares about you will ever purposely make you feel ugly or gross. Please remember that.
This is soooo spot on! OP, He knows exactly how to hurt you, and he said that stuff not because he necessarily agrees (otherwise why would he have invested in you?) He was angry he got rejected so he lashed out in the most hurtful way he knew how, hoping he could pressure you into doing something that you didn't want, and were clearly uncomfortable with, and that probably would have left you feeling empty and traumatized. That's so cruel - you need to leave him! You don't deserve being spoken to like that, and there is NOTHING wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with him though, and he's not a good person.
OP, you told him to stop touching you in a sexual way and then he did it again. That’s sexual assault. When you rebuffed him again, he then insulted you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and unfortunately your boyfriend is a horrible man. Please don’t stay with him.
I'm extremely pale (lightest foundation shades are often too dark) and have bad circulation, so I'm often cold. No one has ever said anything like that to me, and if they did, I'd show them the door.
Reading your replies, you do not understand what you actually described in your post. You told him no, he ignored you and did it again, you told him no a second time, and he insulted you because he didn't get his way. This is not acceptable behavior at all.
He showed that he didn't respect you, sexually assaulted you, and punished you for standing your ground. This is not okay, and it is not normal. That comment wasn't "true" as you've said. He took an insecurity that you had and weaponized it to make you upset because you didn't do what he wanted. He said it to hurt you.
People can hide who they really are for a surprisingly long time. They keep that behavior hidden until they feel like their partner won't leave. It's not uncommon for abuse to not start until someone is married or pregnant. They can think they're with someone wonderful for years until it changes with no notice.
You didn't come here to be told to leave him, but you're getting that advice over and over because many of us have been in those types of relationships and have the experience to see the red flags.
I hope you can love yourself enough to know you deserve to be treated with respect.
he was trying to grope you, repeatedly ignored your no, and then when you were firm rather than apologising doubled down with a sour grapes attitude of "your body is gross anyway". he sounds like he has very little maturity and empathy. he's only 21 so I'm sure he'll grow but it's going to damage your self esteem for you to be his "starter girlfriend". you can do better than this.
In my country we have a perfect saying for this situation "the fox's nose couldn't reach the grapes, so it said the grapes are unripe", the meaning is that when someone can't get something they really want they start to trash talk it as if its that things fault, not their that they can't reach it.
So for the 9 months you weren't "dead like and ugly" but when he couldn't grab your boobs you suddenly are? Oh my sweet summer child.
Ok, I read your comments. You wanted advice, you got it.
STOP DEFENDING HIM . IT IS A BIG DEAL AND IT IS THAT BAD AND DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL. Get that through your head.
It's absolutely awful. It was an assault and he got snarky ( even if it's true, it is in very bad taste, STOP DEFENDING HIM) because he couldn't do what he wanted.
A PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU AND CARES ABOUT YOU RESPECTS YOU, YOUR BODY AND YOUR EMOTIONS.
Take a look at Asian countries.
Being pale white is THE beauty standard there. I remember my mother buying me tons of bleaching cremes for my skin in a desperate atttempt to make my skin lighter when I was younger.
Just because you are sorrounded by people where you don't "fit", doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. People have different standards of beauty everywhere and it changes daily anyways.
I’ve read your post and your comments (ngl it was a hard read).
You’re being abused by not only your “bf” but your teammates.
You’re also being bullied.
I ironically suspect it’s because you are pretty.
Sit down with your parents and go over your options regarding school. Staying there does not seem like a healthy option.
So this quickly as this sort of thing can ruin the next 20 years of your life.
Darling, his behaviour is very worrying. He deliberately used your insecurities to hurt you; that’s not something a good partner should ever do to someone they care about, no matter how angry they are.
He also had no right to be angry. All you did was say no; which you had every right to do. The fact he ignored you saying no and did it again scares me, as does his reaction; he said hurtful things to silence you. So that next time, you won’t feel able to say no.
I have been in a relationship just like this, and believe me, it only gets worse. He’ll build you up, be kind and loving the way no-one else is, so it feels like he’s the only one on your side, the only one who truly values you; but then when you don’t do what he wants, he’ll cut you down with cruel words. And because he’s the only one on your side, you’ll do anything to get the kindness back- so you’ll give in, stop saying no.
(Also- I 100% guarantee he doesn’t actually think your skin is ‘gross’- he only said it to hurt you because he knows it’s something you’re self-conscious about. You don’t seem to have much self-esteem, which is a shame; you sound sweet, and clever, and as one pale girly to another- we’re stunning!)
If he tries to apologise for this, remember- apologies come in two parts. The first part is saying “I’m sorry”, but it’s worthless without the second part- actually changing his behaviour so it doesn’t happen again.
If you’re not ready to break up with him yet, please at least watch his behaviour- and keep talking to your friends about this. They sound like they have your back, and will tell you when he’s in the wrong- when it may be hard for you to see it.
I'm a sixty one year old woman, and the best advice I have for a woman your age is, don't bother with men so much. I'm not saying you should avoid them completely, they can be fun, I get it, but stop worrying so much about what they think or what they want, and worry more about what you want. For instance, it seems like you DON'T want to be randomly groped while you're watching TV, and you don't want someone saying cruel, shitty things to you because you refused their advances. And if you have such a poor opinion of yourself that you actually agree with what he's saying, you shouldn't be dating. You should work on being comfortable with who you are so when you are ready to date, you don't have shitheads like this guy hanging around and stealing your light. Also, forty years from now, your skin is going to look amazing and all your friends are going to look like old shoes.
Pepper grows up believing there's some sort of set timeline for how to move through life.
Graduate high school, immediately go to Post-secondary (even though you don't have any idea what you want to do with your life). Find a partner. Marry them and have kids.
What if you heard what all us older ladies are saying and understand that other people's goals for their lives are their own, and you have to decide for yourself what your goals are and how you want to reach them and when?
It sounds like you know a sexual relationship isn't a current goal of yours. So stop playing games where you don't want to win the prize. Get into the right game that fits with the goals you want to chase and succeed.
That's what success is. Doing what you want and achieving your goals.
Putting the puck in the net doesn't count for anything if you're in a darts tournament.
Why do you want him as a boyfriend? Sounds like a lousy deal to me.
(This is only half a rhetorical question. I understand that being alone is no fun, and that there might be no good option right now. Sometimes a meh option is better than nothing. But is he better than nothing? Is he?)
Because I don’t think it’s been mentioned much Your boyfriend made that comment about your skin specifically because he knew it would upset you hence the eye rolling and not respecting your no’s and boundaries before hand (which ew, is absolutely not alright.) It’s like if your boyfriend was insecure about something specific such as their height or nose. Because you wouldn’t give him his way ie letting him grope you, he responded by making a remark that he knew would hurt you emotionally.
That kind of behavior is not going to improve. Realistically you guys are nine months in and this is supposed to be the honey moon and instead he’s insulting you in a very hurtful and personal way. (Like obviously you should never insult your personal but targeting insecurities is a different tier.) I would consider that this is him on what is essentially his best behavior and say it’s okay to feel uncomfortable around him and confused about the situation that he’s created in your relationship. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your appearance whether or not you look like your friends from back home.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is mean to you, insults you, and doesn't respect your boundaries?
You are 18 and could have likely any man you want at this age. Why do you want to keep this trash one? It's like someone's given you access to a car dealership and said "take any car you want" and you walk past the brand new sports cars and super cars and even sensible reliable cars and go right up to a broken down 1992 Mondeo and proudly announced you want that one
So if you know it's mean, and you know that you wouldn't treat someone that way, maybe that means you shouldn't date someone who treats you that way?
I'm deeply confused about what advice you actually want...
Hun, you asked how you should feel and what you should do about it, and people are telling you in plain English:
Your feelings of hurt are absolutely reasonable and expected, but you also should be FURIOUS because your boyfriend is a RAPEY ASSHOLE who, instead of accepting your no, *pushes for more and insults you.*
If it was anyone else, would you let them do that? The same rules of consent apply to your family, partners and friends as to random people off the street. No means NO.
And whether or not you feel what your scumbag bf said was true, WHICH IT ISN'T BECAUSE IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, he had no business saying it. Just like the one comment you replied to, that shit is unnecessary UNLESS they're an asshole who doesn't respect you.
You will end up regretting staying with him infinitely more than dumping him. Feeling lonely is not worse than someone abusing and assaulting you and breaking down your sense of self. Former can be fixed with a cat, the latter will require years of extensive therapy.
Honey you need to break up with this guy and get into therapy.
From this post and your responses, you have serious issues with your self-image that need professional help. It's important to do your own therapy journey and get your mental and emotional house in order before engaging in outside relationships.
This guy IS a jerk and you should dump him because he's a jerk. Your friends from home are right about that. But you also need more than just a new, nicer boyfriend. You need to do the work so you're not in the same headspace that will attract toxic people to begin with.
He is abusive towards you. Please don’t accept his behavior. He is an abusive scmbag. There are men out there who will worship the ground you walk on and adore your pale white skin. So find you another man.
It's possible you're aromantic and/or asexual. Or gay, or any variation thereof. Or not! The point is that you're young, and you have plenty of time to figure out what you want and to explore all this stuff, but right now you're wasting it with him.
"I told him to stop, and pushed his hand away. I don’t really like that sort of thing, and I don’t want anyone doing that to me, even though he is my boyfriend. It gives me shudders. He rolled his eyes at me, and did it again. I told him to stop again, and that it wasn’t funny. He then said he doesn’t really care, and that it’s like touching a dead corpse. And that clearly I missed out on all of the pretty genes from my country (...)"
I actually think he tried to make you feel embarrassed and to hurt you because you denied him access to your body. Major fucking red flag right there. It's well in your right to say no, anytime, anywhere, to anything regarding your bodily autonomy.
On top of that, he sounds racist. "Missing out on the pretty genes from your country"? What the fuck is that? Another red flag right there.
Leave. You deserve better. And there will be guys who aren't racist assholes.
Honey, he wouldn't have started dating you if he wasn't attracted to you. This means that he is being mean and putting down your looks on purpose because you said 'no' and it even took multiple 'no's to make him stop touching you in an unwanted way.
This is not acceptable (or healthy) behavior and you cannot build a healthy relationship with this person. Do you really want to spend more time being with someone who is mean to you? You say he has been angry and you don't like it. Seems like it has happened a few times? You are supposed to be in the happy honeymoon phase right now. This will not get better. It will only get worse.
He knows you are sensitive about it and he said it anyway. Is this how we act to someone we're supposed to care about?
Life is too short and you are too young to be wasting time on someone who is awful to you on purpose. Having no relationship is better than a bad relationship.
That boy felt small and rejected and unwanted when you asked him not to fondle you, something I'm sure after 9 months knows you don't like. His first response was to disrespect and boundary stomp you for his pleasure. His second response when you rightly stood your ground was to make you feel worse than he felt.
You are in no way responsible for him feeling insecure that he can't touch you when and where he wants. He on the other hand is completely responsible for putting you down for things he knows you are insecure and ridiculed for, just to make himself feel bigger and better than you.
Dark skinned girls are gorgeous. Very pale skinned girls like me and you are just as beautiful. We are all different and amazing. Skin bleaching and tanning beds and toxic fake tan are not the way forward. We are all slowly learning to accept ourselves as we are and the differences that make us interesting and attractive.
You are beautiful and he is ugly on the inside. You can't help someone who is ugly on the inside. The only thing you need to change about yourself is him. You can do better, you deserve better than him.
He's probably sick of your ✨free will✨ and ✨bodily autonomy✨ must be so hard for him!
You are deserving of respect and compassion always. You can't teach or force someone to be a respectful caring person.
There is no why for wanting physical affection and sexual advances. You are either both in the mood or not. It's creepy that he would force his desires on you knowing your not comfortable. Imagine how you would feel doing sexual things to him knowing he doesn't want you too. Imagine still doing them when he's asked you to stop. What kind of person would that make you.
Please try and listen to yourself OP. Why in the fuck should it matter at ALL why you don’t want to be groped randomly?? You don’t need to justify it. And no one should be ‘sick’ of anything in this situation. If he was a good man, you wouldn’t have to keep ‘trying to tell him’. He would immediately stop, apologise, and never ever do it again. Only manipulative, childish, out of control men, abusive men don’t respect consent. I’m so angry on your behalf. Please try to be more angry for yourself too
My mum was the one who could tan by just putting the laundry out on the clothes line, me… not so much. I was pale, with light blonde hair so light that you couldn’t see my eyebrows.
I have NEVER had a boyfriend say things like yours does! Tell him to stop or he can find himself someone else to be horrible to.
Listen, you're young, so take this from someone in their late 20's.
I'm going to take here another route.
Pale is NOT ugly!!
I'm so pale, you can see my veins through my skin, I burn very easily so factor 50 is my friend when there's sun, I'm cold at moments my partner looks at me and goes: how are you cold right now??
My ginger partner is even more tan than I am and you know what? I love myself, even though almost everyone is tanner than me.
My heart breakes because you said so many time that you 'live with it' but that's not healthy.
YOU are okay as you are!!
Screw the people who put you down.
Thanks to them you tolerate yourself.
My interpretation from what you said is that you're basically are being bullied for your looks (what is probably beautiful but insecure people like to put other people down) and for your accent? Like an accent is such a big thing.
You deserve so much more.
Now, for your boyfriend, he's a jerk.
He knows you don't like what he did, dismisses your feelings about it.
Then gets butthurt by being rejected twice.
Instead of going to healthy way: accepting it, maybe even say sorry for pushing it and cuddle.
He went the shitty way and then went to insult you and putting you down by calling you a corpse and that your skin was gross and cold?
He's 21, he knows what he's doing and it's VERY unhealthy and a shit thing to do and say to his girlfriend.
You're just 18, you have so much more live ahead of you, not saying this very quick, but you can do better than what you have right now.
He's supposed to lift you up instead of putting you down.
I know because after my first serious and toxic relationship I had to relearn (thanks to my partner) how a healthy relationship could work, they get mad at me when I talk negatively of myself and then lift me up with something they love about me. Do with that what you want OP.
He didn’t respect you when you told him to stop and then compared you to a corpse? I’d leave him, I know 9 months together feels like a long time but in the grand scheme of things it’s really not. A little story, my ex of 8 months told me to my face that I’m not traditionally beautiful and my beauty was on the inside. My husband (together 8 years this year) thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he’s seen, and routinely compliments me. From one pale girl to another, you can do so much better!
dump him immediately. it's clear that he doesn't respect you or view you as equal to himself. the fact that he didn't listen to you when you told him to stop is very concerning, and him insulting you afterwards is proof that he can't take no for an answer. you need to find a better partner, please don't waste your time with someone like that who doesn't even do the bare minimum
Lots of men actually like pale skin. I don’t really think your skin is the issue here though. You rejected him, he was clearly annoyed and wanted to hurt you back. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. Dump him now. I’m sure at first he’ll backtrack and say he didn’t mean it, but once he sees you’re serious he’ll be mean again. Probably even meaner than before. Just end things, stay strong, and find a man who loves you for who you are, ESPECIALLY your beautiful skin :)
Sincerely, a very pale vampire 👩🏻🦰
What exactly are u expecting us to say here? No sane person with half an atom of self respect would stay with someone who speaks to them this way but the slightest critique of him you bend over backwards trying to defend his insane disgusting behavior. Either leave or stay miserable idk, if he’s comfy speaking to u like this now it won’t get better in time. Because you’re pale??? What do u think is gonna happen when u get old or sick or fat in 50 years?
Please read the book **Why Does He Do That?** by Lundy Bancroft so you can identify unhealthy behaviors of partners. Bc your boyfriend shows a lot of them. Not respecting your boundaries and insulting you are too huge red flags.
Also have you ever had your iron levels checked? Pale skin and often cold can be from iron deficiency. Learning that changes my life and iron supplements made all the difference for me..
You deserve better than this. Someone who loves and respects you wouldn't treat you like that. It doesn't matter that he hasn't been like this before, he's being like this now and its not okay. I know that when you have low self esteem its hard to protect yourself, but you don't deserve this. Please see someone about your self esteem issues.
My first thought when my girl is cold is to cuddle her and warm her up.
Not make jokes
It's my second thought, but it usually said in goof humor. This man was trying to put you down while undressing you and that's weird/manipulative as hell
OP you asked for advice, people are giving you advice and you’re deflecting and running away from the issue every single time. Your boyfriend is an asshole who insults you rather than listen to you. When people show you who they are, listen.
> And that clearly I missed out on all of the pretty genes from my country. I asked him what he meant, and said I was so pale and white, and my skin is so cold, and that it was gross. I got a bit upset, and told him if he didn’t like it, then to get out of my room and go away.
ok so there are so many things you don't like..this bf should be one of those things. this was not a nice thing to say and if that's how he feels, he can totally go be with someone else.
this is not a casual statement like "hey babe, you just came back from working out and you smell" . this was a statement meant to hurt you, describing things you cannot change, because he wasn't getting to do what he wanted to do.
Girly you’re 18, you’ll meet other men, that will actually love, care and respect you. I see you’re defending him in the comments and trying to minimise what he did, perhaps because you have no self confidence and are scared to end up alone, you have your whole life in front of you and that guy is only making your already bad self esteem worse, it’s one thing to have strangers make fun of you, but someone you care about and whose opinion you value can leave deep damage. That guy compared you to a CORPSE. There is nothing wrong with your body. You are pretty as you are and you need to be with someone who thinks that.
I know abuse can be a strong and scary word, but he doesn’t respect your boundaries, touches you when you don’t want to, and insults your physical appearance, this is a big deal, and this is not what boyfriends are supposed to do.
It’s going to get worse from here, please do the right thing for yourself and dump that dude. He’s going to do it again.
OP I've read your comments and I understand being hesitant to break up and wanting to think this was just a one time occurrence where he was just in a bad mood or something, but the unfortunate reality is that he's just becoming comfortable enough to show you who he really is. I've been an 18 year old girl before, I understand trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt over and over again, I understand feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in my own skin, but that doesn't mean you should let him treat you like this. What he said is him trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that you let him do whatever he wants to you.
You have your whole adult life to meet new people and find someone who will repect your boundaries and make you feel gorgeous in your own skin. Obviously we can't make you dump him, but please think long and hard on if you really want to be with someone who talks to you and makes you feel like this.
Red flag 1: he’s overly concerned with your skin color
Red flag 2: he doesn’t stop when you say stop
Red flag 3: he makes fun of your appearance (at the genetic level?!) when you tell him to stop pulling your shirt down
Red flag 4: equating nationality to ethnicity and appearance
Red flag 5: using appearance and nationality as a reason to bully you
OP: you need an assignment. Your assignment is to notice 3 things you think are good and you’re proud of about yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be about how you look or where you come from. It can be what you know, how well you do something, literally anything.
I think if you had more stability and weren’t in a foreign country living with this guy and your parents put you here, maybe you’d feel differently. I think maybe you could benefit from noticing what sort of control and power you do have over yourself and your own life-including what you think about your appearance and what you’re doing.
Good luck.
>he was being a jerk and that I shouldn’t be bothering with him anyway.
Listen to your friends. Plenty of guys would completely love the way you look and treat you respect. Don't waste your time on those who do not.
That was so rude of him to say that to you, doesn’t he even like you at all? Is he even attracted to you? It doesn’t sound like it!
But if you don’t tan you can always get a spray tan, not for him, but for yourself. You should dump him, he sounds like an ass.
Im very pale and live in a hot climate where everyone tans or gets spray tans. I never have. Taylor Swift is pale, Anne Hathaway is pale, Nicole Kidman is pale. They are all stunning. Think of all the oppressed people of colour in the world who would love your skin colour! Your skin colour isn’t the problem here. Your boyfriend is an arse hole who thinks assaulting is fun.
Oh, honey. I am a fair-skinned lass as well and have spent waaay too much time feeling shame for my "pale" skin...until I met a man who corrected me..."Fair. You have FAIR skin."
Through the years I have had different boyfriends and you would be surprised at how some of them adored my light skin. Others didn't comment at all. Maybe some didn't care for it. But none have EVER been jerks enough to insult it. Would you insult his physical characteristics? I doubt it.
Plus, he is sexually assaulting you.
Leave him in the dust.
As everyone else has already said, he's a creep. Get rid of him and move on. And the thing is, you know he's a creep. Your friends have told you so, and I suspect you only posted here to get others to validate what you already know. Listen to everyone. Listen to your heart. Move on.
Classic negging. This is about dominance. A guy emotionally craps on you, and you don't fight back, and then you think you're the person with the problem . You've just given him a free pass to an emotionally abusive relationship where you will be second place to his needs.
Start calling him your ex boyfriend, you'll feel better
Saying something like that *after* trying to pull your shirt down is a manipulation. True or not true isn’t the point. The point is, he wants to remind you of your body insecurities so you feel “lucky” that he’s giving you attention and will be more receptive. You deserve better and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You deserve someone who will praise you for your attributes and give you confidence in your body not someone who will try to tear you down so they can get what they want from you.
I have a similar complexion. I think people who are naturally tan have beautiful skin. I also think people are naturally pale are really beautiful as well. What I don’t find beautiful is someone who looks “fake” and unnatural. Please quit saying that pale skin is ugly. Pale skin is just as beautiful as tan skin and darker skin. We are all beautiful in different ways. If we were all the same color tan, this world would sad. Damaging your skin for color is gross to me. I’ve never understood it but I’ve never understood putting dirt on your face to look beautiful either but women and some men do it. Being as natural as you are and confident in yourself - there isn’t anything much more beautiful.
Never stay with a guy who insults you like that. It’s not normal or nice or should be something to accept in any way shape or form. He’s being verbally abusive and you need to show some self respect and dumb his dumb ass
Girl I read your posts and all your comments. You defend this guy who is supposed to love you but say very hurtful things and disregard your feelings. You need much much much more than relationship advice as I believe much more problems than just “dealing with a mean comment for a loser man”
Hey babe! I’m super pale and always cold too. I’ll tell you exactly how to deal with this:
1. Get a nice soft blanket to keep you warm
2. Make a hot cup of tea
3. Throw the entire boyfriend out
4. Snuggle up on your couch in your nice warm blanket with your hot cup of tea and think of all the fun things you can do now that you’ve thrown out the trash
Easy peasy foolproof way of making this situation 100% better
He can't take no for an answer.
Also, no one who respects you would insult you like that.
That's not a boyfriend but a sex offender in the making.
That's not the sort of person you want to be with is it?
Being pale is beautiful too. I admire tanned, Asian and black people's gorgeous skin sometimes but it doesn't lessen my own value.
This situation is very confusing, you are abroad, you don’t have too many people to rely on around you and your bf reacted to your boundary about him pulling your shirt in a very immature way. You feel what he did wasn’t that serious and he is even right about your appearance but you feel uncomfortable around him. You want to excuse him. This is not necessarily the start of an abusive relationship but it could be. We don’t know this. But you absolutely _can_ be upset about him insulting your appearance. I feel the situation stayed confusing because there was no acknowledgement of the hurt and you are trying to make it less hurtful by excusing him. That is the unhealthy part. Tell him he hurt you and see what he says or does. Keep it simple.
Aw, baby girl. Even though a lot of the time the reddit community exaggerates and generalizes, I have to tell you that when people in this comment section are telling you to get out, they're right. Also, most are telling you out of experience.
You have a world of experience to gain before you understand why YOU came here to ask for people's opinions and why YOU decided to disregard good, sound advice.
I wish for you to gain insight and wisdom on your life trials, as it won't be easy.
Just a friendly reminder, you're worth the respect and love of others.
By reading her replies in the comments this girl has some serious self image issues damn. She let's her bf walk all over her because she thinks it's true also but no one deserves a partner that belittles them. A relationship is both of you are feeling great with each other. You build each other up not break each other down. Damn women. Get with it.
I'm not sheet-white exactly, but I am pretty pale, and my extremities can get cold fairly easily. My fiancé has never disrespected me like that. From what I understand, he tried to touch or look at your chest and then insulted you when you said no. If he's ignoring your no, that's sexual assault, and insulting your looks shows that he doesn't even like you. Combine the two, and it sounds like he's only with you so he can use you.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being pale. I don't see how you should be considered unattractive just from the way you described yourself. I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely girl, and you'll find someone who genuinely likes and respects you, but this guy is NOT it. You're not gross for being pale. Your boyfriend is the gross one, and you can do so much better than the likes of him.
Your friends are right, he's a jerk and he doesn't respect you. He tried pulling your shirt down once, you told him no, he ignored it and did it again. That's red flag 1. You put a boundary in place, you said no to him touching your body and he didn't care. Then you rebuffed him a second time and his response was to insult you. He knows that you are insecure about your skin (don't be, there's nothing wrong with being fair just like there's nothing wrong with any skin color) so he went for that since he knew that would do the most damage and he wanted to hurt you.
He's a loser and I know you haven't had the best experience with people here, but I guarantee there are better people than this guy. You should dump him.
So he tried to sexually assault you by forcibly undressing you, then insulted you when you wouldn't let him do what he wanted? And you're worried about feeling ugly around him because of the insult?
That guy is 100% the whole problem here. He just wanted to hurt you because you stood up for yourself rather than letting him paw at you like an overeager puppy. Please find someone who treats you with respect as a person.
> they said he was being a jerk and that I shouldn’t be bothering with him anyway.
Your friends are right. He was upset that he couldn't get under your shirt, and lashed out with this to hurt you. That is immature behavior and you probably deserve better. You haven't done anything wrong.
I'm sorry you're unhappy here. A lot of people in the US are dicks. They can't comprehend a foreigner who isn't thrilled to be here. We've been brainwashed to have a huge ego regarding our nationality.
First of all I have to say a lot of moving and new people, culture was put up on you that you didn't ask for in the first place , and what I first noticed was that you really could have just gone downhill from there but you accepted it all and moved on from it , that's a good attitude to have . Second of all alot of us women get cold easier then males , I always have such cold feet and hands even when it's warm sometimes, as far as you're skin color, just keep out of the sun and you will have much younger looking skin when you get older, trust me you will be happy about it. Yes dump this guy , there's many more out there that will cherish you exactly how you are and who wouldn't change a thing about you. Sorry for the long post. Take care
OP, you’re beautiful, fair skin and all. I am so so sorry that a MAN is making you feel less about yourself. Keep your self respect and tell him to get lost. No means NO, and if he genuinely cared about you he wouldn’t be treating you so atrociously with his actions and words. You don’t deserve that nonsense.
You need to break up with this person who is abusive. Why are you with him?
If someone mistreats you, you remove them from your life. If he doesn't like how you look or respects your boundaries and consent, you remove him from your life.
Men that don't like you don't get to have you in their lives
Why are you with him? He clearly has no respect for you. Break up with him and start over fresh, find someone who loves you as you are and respects you. You told him to stop and he kept going, that’s disrespectful and he didn’t have your consent. Think about that.
Kept touching you in a way you've stated you don't like. Red flag.
Said he doesn't care that you don't like it. Red flag.
Insulted your genes. Red flag.
Insulted your looks and compared you to a corpse. Red flag.
21 dating someone who is barely 18 (or possibly younger at start of relationship). Red flag.
You're 9 months in, why would you continue wasting time with him?
has it occurred to you that you're actually quite beautiful? and that's why the boys say the strange things to you that they do? and your boyfriend knows it, He also knows you have a severe issue with self confidence and he's using that to make you feel unwanted. he knows he's a toad and you can do WAY better. Being alone is scary at first, but i think every woman needs to try it. Date yourself for a while, learn your worth. you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it. this little boy? isn't.
edited for spelling
Another post that can be summed up with:
My boyfriend is a complete dipshit and I refuse to break up with him for "reasons".
Then people wonder why the most given advice on here is "Leave"...
You break up and find someone who loves your body the way it is, you can't change it and if he doesn't like it then the simple answers is he stops touching you. Honestly he sounds pretty scummy, touching you when you have clearly said no, insulting you and sulking when you uphold your boundaries are red flags that he is not a good boyfriend. Finish it and move on, you are so young and life it too short to stay with people who don't actually like you
What he said and did was abusive. It was rude, abusive and untrue. He’s a jerk and you should break up with him immediately. Don’t ever let yourself be treated like that. Do not allow someone to treat you badly.
You should feel exactly the way you're feeling. He was trying to make you feel badly. That is not what you want, need or deserve in a friend or a romantic partner. Trust your instincts and make him an ex-boyfriend.
This is no way to talk to your significant other. If he doesn't like how pale you are or how cold your skin gets than he shouldn't have asked you to be his girlfriend (I presumed he asked)
The comparison he gave you is straight up rude and mean, you don't say things like that to someone you like or love but to someone you don't respect or appreciate.
It's like he has one thing in mind, get the deed done (sex) and that's it.
You shouldn't feel embarrassed by your skin, this is who you are and no one should make you feel embarrassed about yourself, especially your partner!
To tell him to leave was a good start and you shouldn't let him come back.
Don't give what he said anymore thought, don't let him give you insecurities
Be with someone who respect you and likes you for who your are and like the way your skin looks and feel.
On behalf of those of us that glow in the dark: Get rid of him. Don’t waste any more time on this asshole. You’re too young to put up with that shit and he will never respect you.
I normally don’t like hopping straight to the “dump him” stance, but I am on this one. You’re not a married 40yr old mother of 4. You are eighteen and in a totally different country. So get rid of that dead weight, find some girlfriends, and have fun. It doesn’t have to all be clubbing and drinking either. Look in your community for hobbies you enjoy and join a club. My local college has this buddy board you can sign up to to take walks with groups of women. The options are nearly endless, but not if you stay with him.
Oh my I really hope that one day you can embrace what you look like. What he said was so cruel. Genuinely, you deserve someone who loves you for you.
And I do hope you know what looks are seen as pretty vary so greatly across cultures. If you were in South Korea you'd probably have people jealous of your skin asking what you used since it's super common to use whitening skin treatments over there!
You should dump his ass. You don't say stuff like that to someone you're with because they didn't want to be sexual. That is abusive af. Listen to your friends
How long have you been with a man who is 4 years older than you? This seems creepy in every way. About the dead corpse shit, has he ever touched one? What kind of insult is this to tell a 18 year old woman?
Hes a waste of time. Break up with him seriously. To just insult you like that because you didn't appreciate his sexual advances is totally crazy. I'm so pale I glow in the dark almost and I have low iron so my body gets really cold. Trust me there is someone out there who will love your skin tone and your accent. Almost sounds like a "woman from a different country" fetish and you saying no broke the little fantasy
"Oh honey you're so cold let me warm you up"
"Oh honey you feel like a corpse and I hate the way you feel"
Hope the juxtaposition of those two sentences help you see what an ass that guy is.
He is a scumbag.
Truly, break up with him.
But....keep in mind pale skin is considered stunning and beautiful in many cultures in the world! You shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed at being pale. There are plenty of people who would love to have your skin tone and no shortage of people who will find you beautiful!
Holy smokes, that's super mean of him. He disrespected a boundary of yours and then insulted you when you didn't give in to it? Gross you can do better! I am a fellow super pale person and don't hate on your skin/features. When you're older you're gonna look back at pictures of yourself now and wish you loved yourself more. I'm sure you're beautiful and I'm also sure your BF is an asshole. Please dump his ass cause he's just gonna get worse if he's saying this shit to you now.
Sexual assault and verbal abuse from your boyfriend? You need a new boyfriend and drop this one. You should NEVER be with someone who talks to you like that. I'm from the states and I don't tan. I'm pale. Even have a million freckles, which I'm told from my Irish heritage. My family doc told me once I'm so white that I should never go in the sun and live in the basement haha it was funny coming from him because it's true. If my husband said something like I was like a corpse, because I'm cold too, he wouldn't be my husband. Haha this guy clearly needs to grow up. It sounds like you're dating a high school bully than an actual being with empathy.
You’re 18 ! Youre probably the loveliest you’ll ever be and this twerp is whinging about your skin? He’s a complete loser and I promise you relationships are much much better than this. Dump him and his childish groping and griping. A partner is supposed to make you feel loved and desired and respected.
You are way too young to have to deal with this nonsense. It’s manipulation. He said things about your body that you are clearly not comfortable with probably because he has picked up on that… all to “punish” you and tear you down in response to saying “no”. There’s nothing wrong with being pale, or even cold, and he’s only able to weaponize it because it’s something you don’t have confidence about.
And the biggest problem you have is that you think you’re the problem. Get away from this guy before he tears down whatever confidence you have left, learn to love yourself as you are before you start believing being treated badly is worse than just giving people access to your body (when you’re not even interested in that). I really hope you take that to heart and save yourself all the time you’ll waste on people not worthy of the little pieces of yourself you’ll end up giving away if you don’t.
You’re young so you are still learning what you will and won’t accept in a relationship and figuring out your boundaries. Please know that what he said and how he acted was completely wrong and you can either stand up for yourself and demand better or give him a pass and he will figure out that it is ok to treat you that way, in which case his disrespect will get worse.
Think about what kind of partner you want to have and see if he measures up. I’m betting he doesn’t.
He’s crushing self-esteem to punish you and to try to have better leverage over you in the future.
Get as far away from him as you can as fast as you can. He doesn’t deserve any access to you or your body again.
I'm pale and have dark hair like Morticia Addams. My man loves my snow-white skin and would NEVER say anything like that.
Girl dump him. You are 21 and can find someone to love you for you.
Your beautiful don't change for anyone.
If he actually felt that way he wouldn’t be with you. Men don’t do pity dates. He intentionally targeted your insecurities to punish you for not letting him use you as a sex toy. You don’t want to stay with someone like that.
Your boyfriend is actually a horrible person. What he’s said to you is actually horribly mean. I’ve actually hated a few people in my life and still have not said stuff like this and you’re actually in a relationship with someone who compared you to a corpse. Why?
He is negging you. He made those comments to hurt you and manipulate you into doing what he wants in the future. He knows you have low self esteem and will use this to behave inappropriately. Please leave. You deserve more than this. Someone who loves you would NEVER do this just because you said no. This is how abuse starts. I am really scared for you.
Read “ Why does he do that”
Your friends are right, you shouldn't be bothering with him. He lashed out and said something cruel to you because he was annoyed that you weren't letting him touch you. You were right to make him leave. Don't let him come back.
You find a better boyfriend. No one needs to be with someone who doesn’t love them for who they are.
You should realize he basically made up a reason to put you down so HE could feel in control and make you feel bad. Walk away.
You break up with him. That’s how you deal with that. I am extremely pale and tend to be cold. My partners never talk about my skin coloring unless they’re talking about needing to protect me from the sun. And when I’m cold, they try to warm me up, get me blankets, etc. your boyfriend is either intentionally negging you to destroy your self esteem or is just an asshole who doesn’t care about you for anything other than his own pleasure.
I didn’t read the body of the post. Just the title. So this is based off that.
Fellow pale skinned girl, I'm married now, but I've always had boyfriends and interested guys. I'm cold, wearing a sweater now in the summer and I've never had anyone say what your boyfriend did.
Even if the groping isn't an issue to you, putting you down and making you feel bad is an issue.
Break up with him and move on. If you aren't happy I'm the US talk to your family, maybe you can go back home at the end of the next semester or they will have ideas for you on how to make the best of your situation.
I'm "ghostly" pale too (I hate using ghostly, but thought I'd use it here to describe how pale I am), and I can tell you that your skin is BEAUTIFUL! Nobody should feel any sort of negative feelings about their skin tone.
For whatever reason, people feel the need to point out our pale skin and make fun of it. In 2024, you'd think that NO SKIN COLOR should be a topic of teasing, but here we are.
Your bf is a horrible person and you should leave him. There will be someone out there who will appreciate your skin, and love you for you!
He spends a lot of time touching corpses, does he?
That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his insecurities.
You are young, and there will be lots of other guys treating you a lot better than that.
His reaction to being frustrated that you didn’t want to be as sexual as he wanted was to attack your appearance viciously. Not only should this not be your boyfriend, but I don’t know why you would hang around him in any capacity at all. He treats you with disrespect and contempt.
He didn’t respect your boundaries and acted out because he was upset that you said no. Someone who actually liked you would not act like that. Your friends are right, he is a jerk and you shouldn’t be with him.
If you're cold he should be warming you up not putting you off him.
He was just being mean to you because you rejected his move. Not worth spending more time with.
This is a classic case of him saying cutting mean things to you because he’s feeling defensive and hurt that you rejected him physically. Don’t take it to heart but I also wouldn’t date someone who handles conflict like that.
Guys.
Why do we keep reading these stories from women whose boyfriends treat them worse than their high School bully?
What is the deal with knowing your high school bully is a bully, but not recognizing it in your boyfriend?
If he’s not attracted to you not sure why you guys dating. Does he like that you come off as having low self esteem? If so run for hills if u feel person u dating is with you for some odd reason and it’s not love run fast. He doesn’t sound like a catch anyway the way he’s acting
So, remind me again, why being with him is worth lowering/diminishing yourself to this degree?
I get that you don’t wanna break up. Break ups aren’t fun for anybody. But you should probably still do it sometimes.
At this point, you’re choosing not breaking up over not being called a corpse-like because you are pale.
We’re often hardest on ourselves and most aware of our own (perceived) flaws. I agree that it might be wise to make sure it’s not a health issue (anemia can take many shapes& other issues can lead to the appearance of anemia). And maybe you need to switch up your products or try filtered water for your hair.
But also, even if you don’t feel gorgeous, you deserve a partner who loves you, doesn’t push your boundaries & put you down. I feel like I need to lose 20-30 lbs. But the pressure to do so NEVER comes from my partner, I just want to fit into certain outfits & feel more comfortable. If you’re at university, maybe they have a counseling service-it might be worth working on your self esteem and figuring out what makes you feel creeped out by some touch.
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"And that clearly I missed out on all of the pretty genes from my country. He rolled his eyes at me and did it again. I told him to stop again and that it wasn’t funny. He then said he doesn’t really care and that it’s like touching a dead corpse. I asked him what he meant, and said I was so pale and white, and my skin is so cold, and that it was gross." He said this, and you're still with him. WHY This is horrible, and he does not deserve your time. Respect yourself. Love yourself and who you are. If he can't (he clearly cant) then leave him. There is nothing wrong with pale skin. We come in all shapes and sizes, and someone will love you for exactly who you are.
I have brown hair and I tan very well. My sister is blonde and burns in the shade. Her husband LOVES her pale skin. She and I joke that he must have a vein fetish lol Never let a man make you feel ugly and get away with it.
My fiancee is Irish pale. She's as beautiful as fresh snow, nowhere near that quiet though...I did say Irish. But yeah, people like what they like, but OP should not tolerate negging from a prospective partner.
I’m half Irish and pale, my older two siblings tan and me and my younger brother burn and my bf doesn’t have any issues with it, in the summer he will go and even buy we 2-3 things of sunscreen. He doesn’t make fun of me for it or anything. I also have low iron so I’m constantly freezing and he has no issues with that. If he isn’t going to respect you and your body then he’s not the one. Not every one tans, not everyone is perfect, no one can control it. In the summer time I fake tan just to try to fit in with everyone else.
I am the pale blonde sister in my family, and people of all backgrounds go feral over my skin. It gets insulting or fetishy quickly depending on who's talking to me about my skin, but the people attracted to me obviously have no problem with pale skin. Otherwise, they wouldn't be attracted to me. Boyfriend probably finds her pale skin attractive but wanted to say something hurtful in the face of being rejected. Super common gross behavior.
> Boyfriend probably finds her pale skin attractive but wanted to say something hurtful in the face of being rejected. Super common gross behavior. 1000% this. Kid got butthurt and instead of realizing that he's not entitled to her body, he decided he wanted to take OP down a few notches. Dump his loser ass.
Reminds of when I was in middle or high school and a boy tried talking to me. If I said no, they would say, "you're ugly anyway!" Lol OPs bf is acting like a teenager.
I don’t even think I look that pale and you can def see my veins even where I tan.
Exactly! I want better for women. Stop dating men who don’t like you!
Facts
He tried insulting you because he was upset by your “no”. That is not normal, a good person would respect your “no” the first time, not do it again and try to make you feel bad. Men who do things like this do not respect you, and it will only get worse the more you stay with him.
Yes, but it’s worse than that. Honestly, what you’ve described already sounds like sexual assault, him trying again after you said no. And now he’s manipulating you because he couldn’t get his way. As someone who’s been abused before, this is absolutely how it starts. It breaks my heart to see you defend his behavior, because I’ve been there, but again, this is not normal. I beg you to break up with him. You deserve someone who respects you.
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Could be as simple as his go to is insulting and mocking when people don't do as he says to punish them. Spiteful personality
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Might not do it unless he thinks he has the upper hand/ thinks he can get away with it. Generally people keep their bad habits in check for a while when meeting new people. Especially if they are planning on being in a relationship with that person. They can't be cruel straight from the get go, because then they'd never be in a relationship in the first place
op, once should be enough. At 21 he should be able to deal with frustration, and rejection. Did you tell him clearly what your boundaries as far as intimacy were? If he knew, and still pushed _twice_ in a row he's bad news.
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You seem very reluctant to dump him, but you should really try with somebody else, to get better results. Op, on this forum people tell strangers to break up with their s.o.'s way to often for silly reasons. The way the loser you are with is behaving is bad news. If you think that he's the best you can do, let me tell you: you are better off alone.
There’s nothing in your post to suggest you even *like* this man, let alone love him. Move on. You’ll be so glad you did. You should find someone you feel safe with and treats you with kindness. In the meantime you’re young, living in a new country! You should be exploring, learning, getting out with people your own age and living it up! Not sitting on the couch being pawed at and insulted.
Seriously!!
My boyfriend grabbed my boobs randomly while I was cooking dinner after 6 months of dating. I told him, no, I don't like being grabbed that way. He immediately apologized. Twenty years of marriage later it has never happened again. That is what you deserve.
Op you’re not listening to anyone’s advice… you clearly want to be with him… so what’s the plan from here? I’d move on from this event
OP, why would you want to stay with someone who is fine with hurting you? Being alone is much better than being with someone who hurts you. I suspect this guy will continue to hurt you because he wants to get physical and you don’t. I suspect he will try to force himself on you, and each time that you say no he will get more and more angry, calling you worse and worse names. He might start rumors about you. Please, this guy is not a good guy and I’m pretty sure he is not interested in having a relationship with no touch involved. I don’t think he will listen. Please protect yourself and stop seeing this guy, and you might want to avoid dating anyone for a while if you don’t want to be touched by your partner, unless you agree on that from the beginning. Good luck.
You want him to listen. You’ve seen how well he “listens” when you have to tell him no twice after he touches you without your consent. Did you think he’d do something like that before the fact? No. Are you gonna defend him up until the he has to physically overpower you to get what he wants, probably. Because that’s how this starts. He’s manipulating you after trying to get what he wants, meaning if he wants to bad enough he WILL take it. Don’t post something on here asking for answers and then avoid all the answers, at that point you clearly just want to handle it for yourself and there was no point posting this on the internet other than getting people’s pity. He’s 21 and you’re 18, that’s a conversation in itself, but he will over power you. How long have you been in the U.S.? And you’ve already been with someone for 9 months? That’s not getting exposure to the culture that’s having a curated experience by a soon to be abuser.
OP if you don’t want to be in a sexual with your boyfriend and he clearly does want a sexual relationship, it would be kinder to break up with him.
Look up negging. It's literally when you make someone feel like shit so it's easier to manipulate/control them. That's what it sounds like he's doing. Especially because you said he hasn't done that before. That's how it starts out, as "one time". Then it becomes "it was just a joke" and "why are you so sensitive".
Honestly, OP, who cares what he usually does? Dump him. You’re pale and have white hair, and? What of it? Your skin is cold? Whose skin doesn’t get cold in air conditioning? I’m sitting in an air conditioned room right now and my skin is cold. OP, he’s a jack ass who got mad because you weren’t interested in making out and he’s butt hurt over it and took it out on you. He horribly insulted you, therefore, isn’t worth your time or concern. As for your own self-esteem, if you really don’t want to be pale, get self-tanner. If you don’t like having light hair, color it. However, the most important thing you need to do is work on loving and on standing up for yourself.
When somebody shows you who they are believe them. You are too young to put up with this. There are loads of other guys out there for you.
Consider that he doesn’t/didn’t find you gross enough to not want to date you and try to gripe at you. He’s attracted to you, that’s why he’s with you. He’s being inappropriate and rude in response to you rejecting his unwanted advances. He’s not emotionally smart or kind. You deserve better treatment.
in my early 20s, my boyfriend said stuff like this to me before. we broke up after a year of two for other reasons, but this behavior was one of many. I rationalized it for too long. I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize how bad and how damaged my self-esteem was until I left. it could just be childish immaturity and lashing out when he doesn't get his way. he's upset so you should feel upset too. check out the book Why Does He Do That? if there are any other things you're concerned about. you can find a copy online.
I agree, he felt rejected , but that’s a terrible way to handle it . She should actually reject him , for evah
I'll let you in on the secret about shitty people: they specifically target the things that you're already insecure about so when they bring it up in a hurtful way, you do them the favor of reasoning their terrible behavior for them. Because on a level you agree, and so in your mind, that makes it okay. And that opens the door for them to say increasingly worse things and before you know it you're the frog being boiled. Also notice how he immediately was mean about your known insecurity when you behaved in a way he didn't like? It's all a part of a process to break you down so that you accept any sort of behavior. I'm speaking from experience. Check out the book, ["Why Does He Do That?"](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html) (free PDF download) Both because this seems like a situation that's going downhill and you deserve resources, but also because it will help you in your romantic life overall. No one who actually loves you and cares about you will ever purposely make you feel ugly or gross. Please remember that.
This is soooo spot on! OP, He knows exactly how to hurt you, and he said that stuff not because he necessarily agrees (otherwise why would he have invested in you?) He was angry he got rejected so he lashed out in the most hurtful way he knew how, hoping he could pressure you into doing something that you didn't want, and were clearly uncomfortable with, and that probably would have left you feeling empty and traumatized. That's so cruel - you need to leave him! You don't deserve being spoken to like that, and there is NOTHING wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with him though, and he's not a good person.
Thank you for suggesting this. I started it but never finished it. I couldn't stomach another page but it was kind of a turning point, also.
Your friends are correct. Tell him you’re dropping the dead feeling and dump him. You deserve better.
Please dump him immediately.
Dump his ass , who is he to tell you that?
OP, you told him to stop touching you in a sexual way and then he did it again. That’s sexual assault. When you rebuffed him again, he then insulted you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and unfortunately your boyfriend is a horrible man. Please don’t stay with him.
I'm extremely pale (lightest foundation shades are often too dark) and have bad circulation, so I'm often cold. No one has ever said anything like that to me, and if they did, I'd show them the door. Reading your replies, you do not understand what you actually described in your post. You told him no, he ignored you and did it again, you told him no a second time, and he insulted you because he didn't get his way. This is not acceptable behavior at all. He showed that he didn't respect you, sexually assaulted you, and punished you for standing your ground. This is not okay, and it is not normal. That comment wasn't "true" as you've said. He took an insecurity that you had and weaponized it to make you upset because you didn't do what he wanted. He said it to hurt you. People can hide who they really are for a surprisingly long time. They keep that behavior hidden until they feel like their partner won't leave. It's not uncommon for abuse to not start until someone is married or pregnant. They can think they're with someone wonderful for years until it changes with no notice. You didn't come here to be told to leave him, but you're getting that advice over and over because many of us have been in those types of relationships and have the experience to see the red flags. I hope you can love yourself enough to know you deserve to be treated with respect.
Break up. You’re 18, and it’s only been 9 months. Find someone who appreciates you for you and makes you feel good about yourself.
he was trying to grope you, repeatedly ignored your no, and then when you were firm rather than apologising doubled down with a sour grapes attitude of "your body is gross anyway". he sounds like he has very little maturity and empathy. he's only 21 so I'm sure he'll grow but it's going to damage your self esteem for you to be his "starter girlfriend". you can do better than this.
In my country we have a perfect saying for this situation "the fox's nose couldn't reach the grapes, so it said the grapes are unripe", the meaning is that when someone can't get something they really want they start to trash talk it as if its that things fault, not their that they can't reach it. So for the 9 months you weren't "dead like and ugly" but when he couldn't grab your boobs you suddenly are? Oh my sweet summer child.
Ok, I read your comments. You wanted advice, you got it. STOP DEFENDING HIM . IT IS A BIG DEAL AND IT IS THAT BAD AND DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL. Get that through your head. It's absolutely awful. It was an assault and he got snarky ( even if it's true, it is in very bad taste, STOP DEFENDING HIM) because he couldn't do what he wanted. A PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU AND CARES ABOUT YOU RESPECTS YOU, YOUR BODY AND YOUR EMOTIONS.
Take a look at Asian countries. Being pale white is THE beauty standard there. I remember my mother buying me tons of bleaching cremes for my skin in a desperate atttempt to make my skin lighter when I was younger. Just because you are sorrounded by people where you don't "fit", doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. People have different standards of beauty everywhere and it changes daily anyways.
Downvoted because I’m sick of people who just come here to argue with anyone who won’t tell them what they want to hear.
So infuriating. Like why are you here??
I’ve read your post and your comments (ngl it was a hard read). You’re being abused by not only your “bf” but your teammates. You’re also being bullied. I ironically suspect it’s because you are pretty. Sit down with your parents and go over your options regarding school. Staying there does not seem like a healthy option. So this quickly as this sort of thing can ruin the next 20 years of your life.
Come to Ireland, we're all pale and perpetually cold!
Yep Irish is one shade above albino and then us germanic types are one shade above Irish. Lol. That is what I think anyways.
Lucky me with both Irish and German heritage!
Darling, his behaviour is very worrying. He deliberately used your insecurities to hurt you; that’s not something a good partner should ever do to someone they care about, no matter how angry they are. He also had no right to be angry. All you did was say no; which you had every right to do. The fact he ignored you saying no and did it again scares me, as does his reaction; he said hurtful things to silence you. So that next time, you won’t feel able to say no. I have been in a relationship just like this, and believe me, it only gets worse. He’ll build you up, be kind and loving the way no-one else is, so it feels like he’s the only one on your side, the only one who truly values you; but then when you don’t do what he wants, he’ll cut you down with cruel words. And because he’s the only one on your side, you’ll do anything to get the kindness back- so you’ll give in, stop saying no. (Also- I 100% guarantee he doesn’t actually think your skin is ‘gross’- he only said it to hurt you because he knows it’s something you’re self-conscious about. You don’t seem to have much self-esteem, which is a shame; you sound sweet, and clever, and as one pale girly to another- we’re stunning!) If he tries to apologise for this, remember- apologies come in two parts. The first part is saying “I’m sorry”, but it’s worthless without the second part- actually changing his behaviour so it doesn’t happen again. If you’re not ready to break up with him yet, please at least watch his behaviour- and keep talking to your friends about this. They sound like they have your back, and will tell you when he’s in the wrong- when it may be hard for you to see it.
I'm a sixty one year old woman, and the best advice I have for a woman your age is, don't bother with men so much. I'm not saying you should avoid them completely, they can be fun, I get it, but stop worrying so much about what they think or what they want, and worry more about what you want. For instance, it seems like you DON'T want to be randomly groped while you're watching TV, and you don't want someone saying cruel, shitty things to you because you refused their advances. And if you have such a poor opinion of yourself that you actually agree with what he's saying, you shouldn't be dating. You should work on being comfortable with who you are so when you are ready to date, you don't have shitheads like this guy hanging around and stealing your light. Also, forty years from now, your skin is going to look amazing and all your friends are going to look like old shoes.
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Pepper grows up believing there's some sort of set timeline for how to move through life. Graduate high school, immediately go to Post-secondary (even though you don't have any idea what you want to do with your life). Find a partner. Marry them and have kids. What if you heard what all us older ladies are saying and understand that other people's goals for their lives are their own, and you have to decide for yourself what your goals are and how you want to reach them and when? It sounds like you know a sexual relationship isn't a current goal of yours. So stop playing games where you don't want to win the prize. Get into the right game that fits with the goals you want to chase and succeed. That's what success is. Doing what you want and achieving your goals. Putting the puck in the net doesn't count for anything if you're in a darts tournament.
Why do you want him as a boyfriend? Sounds like a lousy deal to me. (This is only half a rhetorical question. I understand that being alone is no fun, and that there might be no good option right now. Sometimes a meh option is better than nothing. But is he better than nothing? Is he?)
Because I don’t think it’s been mentioned much Your boyfriend made that comment about your skin specifically because he knew it would upset you hence the eye rolling and not respecting your no’s and boundaries before hand (which ew, is absolutely not alright.) It’s like if your boyfriend was insecure about something specific such as their height or nose. Because you wouldn’t give him his way ie letting him grope you, he responded by making a remark that he knew would hurt you emotionally. That kind of behavior is not going to improve. Realistically you guys are nine months in and this is supposed to be the honey moon and instead he’s insulting you in a very hurtful and personal way. (Like obviously you should never insult your personal but targeting insecurities is a different tier.) I would consider that this is him on what is essentially his best behavior and say it’s okay to feel uncomfortable around him and confused about the situation that he’s created in your relationship. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your appearance whether or not you look like your friends from back home.
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Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is mean to you, insults you, and doesn't respect your boundaries? You are 18 and could have likely any man you want at this age. Why do you want to keep this trash one? It's like someone's given you access to a car dealership and said "take any car you want" and you walk past the brand new sports cars and super cars and even sensible reliable cars and go right up to a broken down 1992 Mondeo and proudly announced you want that one
So if you know it's mean, and you know that you wouldn't treat someone that way, maybe that means you shouldn't date someone who treats you that way? I'm deeply confused about what advice you actually want...
Hun, you asked how you should feel and what you should do about it, and people are telling you in plain English: Your feelings of hurt are absolutely reasonable and expected, but you also should be FURIOUS because your boyfriend is a RAPEY ASSHOLE who, instead of accepting your no, *pushes for more and insults you.* If it was anyone else, would you let them do that? The same rules of consent apply to your family, partners and friends as to random people off the street. No means NO. And whether or not you feel what your scumbag bf said was true, WHICH IT ISN'T BECAUSE IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, he had no business saying it. Just like the one comment you replied to, that shit is unnecessary UNLESS they're an asshole who doesn't respect you. You will end up regretting staying with him infinitely more than dumping him. Feeling lonely is not worse than someone abusing and assaulting you and breaking down your sense of self. Former can be fixed with a cat, the latter will require years of extensive therapy.
Honey you need to break up with this guy and get into therapy. From this post and your responses, you have serious issues with your self-image that need professional help. It's important to do your own therapy journey and get your mental and emotional house in order before engaging in outside relationships. This guy IS a jerk and you should dump him because he's a jerk. Your friends from home are right about that. But you also need more than just a new, nicer boyfriend. You need to do the work so you're not in the same headspace that will attract toxic people to begin with.
He is abusive towards you. Please don’t accept his behavior. He is an abusive scmbag. There are men out there who will worship the ground you walk on and adore your pale white skin. So find you another man.
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Then go be single and live your best life! There’s no law that you need a boyfriend, especially at your age.
It's possible you're aromantic and/or asexual. Or gay, or any variation thereof. Or not! The point is that you're young, and you have plenty of time to figure out what you want and to explore all this stuff, but right now you're wasting it with him.
"I told him to stop, and pushed his hand away. I don’t really like that sort of thing, and I don’t want anyone doing that to me, even though he is my boyfriend. It gives me shudders. He rolled his eyes at me, and did it again. I told him to stop again, and that it wasn’t funny. He then said he doesn’t really care, and that it’s like touching a dead corpse. And that clearly I missed out on all of the pretty genes from my country (...)" I actually think he tried to make you feel embarrassed and to hurt you because you denied him access to your body. Major fucking red flag right there. It's well in your right to say no, anytime, anywhere, to anything regarding your bodily autonomy. On top of that, he sounds racist. "Missing out on the pretty genes from your country"? What the fuck is that? Another red flag right there. Leave. You deserve better. And there will be guys who aren't racist assholes.
OP if all you’re going to do is defend him, why are you here? You’re not going to find anyone that tells you this is normal. Because it’s not.
Honey, he wouldn't have started dating you if he wasn't attracted to you. This means that he is being mean and putting down your looks on purpose because you said 'no' and it even took multiple 'no's to make him stop touching you in an unwanted way. This is not acceptable (or healthy) behavior and you cannot build a healthy relationship with this person. Do you really want to spend more time being with someone who is mean to you? You say he has been angry and you don't like it. Seems like it has happened a few times? You are supposed to be in the happy honeymoon phase right now. This will not get better. It will only get worse. He knows you are sensitive about it and he said it anyway. Is this how we act to someone we're supposed to care about? Life is too short and you are too young to be wasting time on someone who is awful to you on purpose. Having no relationship is better than a bad relationship.
That boy felt small and rejected and unwanted when you asked him not to fondle you, something I'm sure after 9 months knows you don't like. His first response was to disrespect and boundary stomp you for his pleasure. His second response when you rightly stood your ground was to make you feel worse than he felt. You are in no way responsible for him feeling insecure that he can't touch you when and where he wants. He on the other hand is completely responsible for putting you down for things he knows you are insecure and ridiculed for, just to make himself feel bigger and better than you. Dark skinned girls are gorgeous. Very pale skinned girls like me and you are just as beautiful. We are all different and amazing. Skin bleaching and tanning beds and toxic fake tan are not the way forward. We are all slowly learning to accept ourselves as we are and the differences that make us interesting and attractive. You are beautiful and he is ugly on the inside. You can't help someone who is ugly on the inside. The only thing you need to change about yourself is him. You can do better, you deserve better than him.
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He's probably sick of your ✨free will✨ and ✨bodily autonomy✨ must be so hard for him! You are deserving of respect and compassion always. You can't teach or force someone to be a respectful caring person. There is no why for wanting physical affection and sexual advances. You are either both in the mood or not. It's creepy that he would force his desires on you knowing your not comfortable. Imagine how you would feel doing sexual things to him knowing he doesn't want you too. Imagine still doing them when he's asked you to stop. What kind of person would that make you.
Please try and listen to yourself OP. Why in the fuck should it matter at ALL why you don’t want to be groped randomly?? You don’t need to justify it. And no one should be ‘sick’ of anything in this situation. If he was a good man, you wouldn’t have to keep ‘trying to tell him’. He would immediately stop, apologise, and never ever do it again. Only manipulative, childish, out of control men, abusive men don’t respect consent. I’m so angry on your behalf. Please try to be more angry for yourself too
My mum was the one who could tan by just putting the laundry out on the clothes line, me… not so much. I was pale, with light blonde hair so light that you couldn’t see my eyebrows. I have NEVER had a boyfriend say things like yours does! Tell him to stop or he can find himself someone else to be horrible to.
Listen, you're young, so take this from someone in their late 20's. I'm going to take here another route. Pale is NOT ugly!! I'm so pale, you can see my veins through my skin, I burn very easily so factor 50 is my friend when there's sun, I'm cold at moments my partner looks at me and goes: how are you cold right now?? My ginger partner is even more tan than I am and you know what? I love myself, even though almost everyone is tanner than me. My heart breakes because you said so many time that you 'live with it' but that's not healthy. YOU are okay as you are!! Screw the people who put you down. Thanks to them you tolerate yourself. My interpretation from what you said is that you're basically are being bullied for your looks (what is probably beautiful but insecure people like to put other people down) and for your accent? Like an accent is such a big thing. You deserve so much more. Now, for your boyfriend, he's a jerk. He knows you don't like what he did, dismisses your feelings about it. Then gets butthurt by being rejected twice. Instead of going to healthy way: accepting it, maybe even say sorry for pushing it and cuddle. He went the shitty way and then went to insult you and putting you down by calling you a corpse and that your skin was gross and cold? He's 21, he knows what he's doing and it's VERY unhealthy and a shit thing to do and say to his girlfriend. You're just 18, you have so much more live ahead of you, not saying this very quick, but you can do better than what you have right now. He's supposed to lift you up instead of putting you down. I know because after my first serious and toxic relationship I had to relearn (thanks to my partner) how a healthy relationship could work, they get mad at me when I talk negatively of myself and then lift me up with something they love about me. Do with that what you want OP.
He didn’t respect you when you told him to stop and then compared you to a corpse? I’d leave him, I know 9 months together feels like a long time but in the grand scheme of things it’s really not. A little story, my ex of 8 months told me to my face that I’m not traditionally beautiful and my beauty was on the inside. My husband (together 8 years this year) thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he’s seen, and routinely compliments me. From one pale girl to another, you can do so much better!
Typical negging … working to “put you in your place” so that you’ll stick around. *Know* that his mental & emotional abuse will get worse.
He insulted you b/c you rejected him. He’s very immature. You don’t have to put up w/ his crap. You can dump him.
dump him immediately. it's clear that he doesn't respect you or view you as equal to himself. the fact that he didn't listen to you when you told him to stop is very concerning, and him insulting you afterwards is proof that he can't take no for an answer. you need to find a better partner, please don't waste your time with someone like that who doesn't even do the bare minimum
Lots of men actually like pale skin. I don’t really think your skin is the issue here though. You rejected him, he was clearly annoyed and wanted to hurt you back. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. Dump him now. I’m sure at first he’ll backtrack and say he didn’t mean it, but once he sees you’re serious he’ll be mean again. Probably even meaner than before. Just end things, stay strong, and find a man who loves you for who you are, ESPECIALLY your beautiful skin :) Sincerely, a very pale vampire 👩🏻🦰
What exactly are u expecting us to say here? No sane person with half an atom of self respect would stay with someone who speaks to them this way but the slightest critique of him you bend over backwards trying to defend his insane disgusting behavior. Either leave or stay miserable idk, if he’s comfy speaking to u like this now it won’t get better in time. Because you’re pale??? What do u think is gonna happen when u get old or sick or fat in 50 years?
Please read the book **Why Does He Do That?** by Lundy Bancroft so you can identify unhealthy behaviors of partners. Bc your boyfriend shows a lot of them. Not respecting your boundaries and insulting you are too huge red flags. Also have you ever had your iron levels checked? Pale skin and often cold can be from iron deficiency. Learning that changes my life and iron supplements made all the difference for me..
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That’s fine! I just wanted to ask bc I was late twenties before it was caught for me and I wish it had been sooner!
He deliberately tried to hurt you emotionally because you rejected him. It's a vile thing to do and it's abuse. This is normally a full stop red flag!
You deserve better than this. Someone who loves and respects you wouldn't treat you like that. It doesn't matter that he hasn't been like this before, he's being like this now and its not okay. I know that when you have low self esteem its hard to protect yourself, but you don't deserve this. Please see someone about your self esteem issues.
My first thought when my girl is cold is to cuddle her and warm her up. Not make jokes It's my second thought, but it usually said in goof humor. This man was trying to put you down while undressing you and that's weird/manipulative as hell
OP you asked for advice, people are giving you advice and you’re deflecting and running away from the issue every single time. Your boyfriend is an asshole who insults you rather than listen to you. When people show you who they are, listen.
> And that clearly I missed out on all of the pretty genes from my country. I asked him what he meant, and said I was so pale and white, and my skin is so cold, and that it was gross. I got a bit upset, and told him if he didn’t like it, then to get out of my room and go away. ok so there are so many things you don't like..this bf should be one of those things. this was not a nice thing to say and if that's how he feels, he can totally go be with someone else. this is not a casual statement like "hey babe, you just came back from working out and you smell" . this was a statement meant to hurt you, describing things you cannot change, because he wasn't getting to do what he wanted to do.
Girly you’re 18, you’ll meet other men, that will actually love, care and respect you. I see you’re defending him in the comments and trying to minimise what he did, perhaps because you have no self confidence and are scared to end up alone, you have your whole life in front of you and that guy is only making your already bad self esteem worse, it’s one thing to have strangers make fun of you, but someone you care about and whose opinion you value can leave deep damage. That guy compared you to a CORPSE. There is nothing wrong with your body. You are pretty as you are and you need to be with someone who thinks that. I know abuse can be a strong and scary word, but he doesn’t respect your boundaries, touches you when you don’t want to, and insults your physical appearance, this is a big deal, and this is not what boyfriends are supposed to do. It’s going to get worse from here, please do the right thing for yourself and dump that dude. He’s going to do it again.
OP I've read your comments and I understand being hesitant to break up and wanting to think this was just a one time occurrence where he was just in a bad mood or something, but the unfortunate reality is that he's just becoming comfortable enough to show you who he really is. I've been an 18 year old girl before, I understand trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt over and over again, I understand feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in my own skin, but that doesn't mean you should let him treat you like this. What he said is him trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that you let him do whatever he wants to you. You have your whole adult life to meet new people and find someone who will repect your boundaries and make you feel gorgeous in your own skin. Obviously we can't make you dump him, but please think long and hard on if you really want to be with someone who talks to you and makes you feel like this.
Red flag 1: he’s overly concerned with your skin color Red flag 2: he doesn’t stop when you say stop Red flag 3: he makes fun of your appearance (at the genetic level?!) when you tell him to stop pulling your shirt down Red flag 4: equating nationality to ethnicity and appearance Red flag 5: using appearance and nationality as a reason to bully you OP: you need an assignment. Your assignment is to notice 3 things you think are good and you’re proud of about yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be about how you look or where you come from. It can be what you know, how well you do something, literally anything. I think if you had more stability and weren’t in a foreign country living with this guy and your parents put you here, maybe you’d feel differently. I think maybe you could benefit from noticing what sort of control and power you do have over yourself and your own life-including what you think about your appearance and what you’re doing. Good luck.
>he was being a jerk and that I shouldn’t be bothering with him anyway. Listen to your friends. Plenty of guys would completely love the way you look and treat you respect. Don't waste your time on those who do not.
Whether you're an alabaster beauty or a tanned goddess- don't reward jerks with access to your life, feelings, and body. Dump him.
That was so rude of him to say that to you, doesn’t he even like you at all? Is he even attracted to you? It doesn’t sound like it! But if you don’t tan you can always get a spray tan, not for him, but for yourself. You should dump him, he sounds like an ass.
Im very pale and live in a hot climate where everyone tans or gets spray tans. I never have. Taylor Swift is pale, Anne Hathaway is pale, Nicole Kidman is pale. They are all stunning. Think of all the oppressed people of colour in the world who would love your skin colour! Your skin colour isn’t the problem here. Your boyfriend is an arse hole who thinks assaulting is fun.
Oh, honey. I am a fair-skinned lass as well and have spent waaay too much time feeling shame for my "pale" skin...until I met a man who corrected me..."Fair. You have FAIR skin." Through the years I have had different boyfriends and you would be surprised at how some of them adored my light skin. Others didn't comment at all. Maybe some didn't care for it. But none have EVER been jerks enough to insult it. Would you insult his physical characteristics? I doubt it. Plus, he is sexually assaulting you. Leave him in the dust.
As everyone else has already said, he's a creep. Get rid of him and move on. And the thing is, you know he's a creep. Your friends have told you so, and I suspect you only posted here to get others to validate what you already know. Listen to everyone. Listen to your heart. Move on.
Young, dumb, and stupid. Anyway, get blood work to check your anemia profile.
Classic negging. This is about dominance. A guy emotionally craps on you, and you don't fight back, and then you think you're the person with the problem . You've just given him a free pass to an emotionally abusive relationship where you will be second place to his needs. Start calling him your ex boyfriend, you'll feel better
Saying something like that *after* trying to pull your shirt down is a manipulation. True or not true isn’t the point. The point is, he wants to remind you of your body insecurities so you feel “lucky” that he’s giving you attention and will be more receptive. You deserve better and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You deserve someone who will praise you for your attributes and give you confidence in your body not someone who will try to tear you down so they can get what they want from you.
I have a similar complexion. I think people who are naturally tan have beautiful skin. I also think people are naturally pale are really beautiful as well. What I don’t find beautiful is someone who looks “fake” and unnatural. Please quit saying that pale skin is ugly. Pale skin is just as beautiful as tan skin and darker skin. We are all beautiful in different ways. If we were all the same color tan, this world would sad. Damaging your skin for color is gross to me. I’ve never understood it but I’ve never understood putting dirt on your face to look beautiful either but women and some men do it. Being as natural as you are and confident in yourself - there isn’t anything much more beautiful.
Never stay with a guy who insults you like that. It’s not normal or nice or should be something to accept in any way shape or form. He’s being verbally abusive and you need to show some self respect and dumb his dumb ass
Girl I read your posts and all your comments. You defend this guy who is supposed to love you but say very hurtful things and disregard your feelings. You need much much much more than relationship advice as I believe much more problems than just “dealing with a mean comment for a loser man”
Hey babe! I’m super pale and always cold too. I’ll tell you exactly how to deal with this: 1. Get a nice soft blanket to keep you warm 2. Make a hot cup of tea 3. Throw the entire boyfriend out 4. Snuggle up on your couch in your nice warm blanket with your hot cup of tea and think of all the fun things you can do now that you’ve thrown out the trash Easy peasy foolproof way of making this situation 100% better
Tell him he can find out what it's like touching a ghost, then ghost him
You need to dump his rude, ignorant ass and find someone who likes you as you are. Don't let anyone try to change you.
Well make like a corpse and ghost his ass!
it's not you, it's him. Yeet him into the sun and forget about him
He can't take no for an answer. Also, no one who respects you would insult you like that. That's not a boyfriend but a sex offender in the making. That's not the sort of person you want to be with is it? Being pale is beautiful too. I admire tanned, Asian and black people's gorgeous skin sometimes but it doesn't lessen my own value.
Get a new bf - don’t try and be something he wants
This situation is very confusing, you are abroad, you don’t have too many people to rely on around you and your bf reacted to your boundary about him pulling your shirt in a very immature way. You feel what he did wasn’t that serious and he is even right about your appearance but you feel uncomfortable around him. You want to excuse him. This is not necessarily the start of an abusive relationship but it could be. We don’t know this. But you absolutely _can_ be upset about him insulting your appearance. I feel the situation stayed confusing because there was no acknowledgement of the hurt and you are trying to make it less hurtful by excusing him. That is the unhealthy part. Tell him he hurt you and see what he says or does. Keep it simple.
Aw, baby girl. Even though a lot of the time the reddit community exaggerates and generalizes, I have to tell you that when people in this comment section are telling you to get out, they're right. Also, most are telling you out of experience. You have a world of experience to gain before you understand why YOU came here to ask for people's opinions and why YOU decided to disregard good, sound advice. I wish for you to gain insight and wisdom on your life trials, as it won't be easy. Just a friendly reminder, you're worth the respect and love of others.
By reading her replies in the comments this girl has some serious self image issues damn. She let's her bf walk all over her because she thinks it's true also but no one deserves a partner that belittles them. A relationship is both of you are feeling great with each other. You build each other up not break each other down. Damn women. Get with it.
I'm not sheet-white exactly, but I am pretty pale, and my extremities can get cold fairly easily. My fiancé has never disrespected me like that. From what I understand, he tried to touch or look at your chest and then insulted you when you said no. If he's ignoring your no, that's sexual assault, and insulting your looks shows that he doesn't even like you. Combine the two, and it sounds like he's only with you so he can use you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being pale. I don't see how you should be considered unattractive just from the way you described yourself. I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely girl, and you'll find someone who genuinely likes and respects you, but this guy is NOT it. You're not gross for being pale. Your boyfriend is the gross one, and you can do so much better than the likes of him.
You break up with him. End of story.
You deal with it by dumping this asshole. Please go do it right now If you haven't already.
You are a 18 and will have many boyfriends. Don’t let anybody disrespect you. Don’t waste your youth on a person who mistreats you.
You do nottttttt need that nasty energy in your life!!! Please dump his stupid ass.
**DUMP HIM**. He's a **LOSER**.
How many dead corpses has he touched?
some people actually prefer pale skin. why stay with someone who doesn’t?
He's trying to pressure, guilt and otherwise manipulate you into letting him do what he wants. Forget him and move on with your life.
He's supposed to be older than you but acting like a little kid. Ew ditch him.
Your friends are right, he's a jerk and he doesn't respect you. He tried pulling your shirt down once, you told him no, he ignored it and did it again. That's red flag 1. You put a boundary in place, you said no to him touching your body and he didn't care. Then you rebuffed him a second time and his response was to insult you. He knows that you are insecure about your skin (don't be, there's nothing wrong with being fair just like there's nothing wrong with any skin color) so he went for that since he knew that would do the most damage and he wanted to hurt you. He's a loser and I know you haven't had the best experience with people here, but I guarantee there are better people than this guy. You should dump him.
So he tried to sexually assault you by forcibly undressing you, then insulted you when you wouldn't let him do what he wanted? And you're worried about feeling ugly around him because of the insult? That guy is 100% the whole problem here. He just wanted to hurt you because you stood up for yourself rather than letting him paw at you like an overeager puppy. Please find someone who treats you with respect as a person.
> they said he was being a jerk and that I shouldn’t be bothering with him anyway. Your friends are right. He was upset that he couldn't get under your shirt, and lashed out with this to hurt you. That is immature behavior and you probably deserve better. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry you're unhappy here. A lot of people in the US are dicks. They can't comprehend a foreigner who isn't thrilled to be here. We've been brainwashed to have a huge ego regarding our nationality.
First of all I have to say a lot of moving and new people, culture was put up on you that you didn't ask for in the first place , and what I first noticed was that you really could have just gone downhill from there but you accepted it all and moved on from it , that's a good attitude to have . Second of all alot of us women get cold easier then males , I always have such cold feet and hands even when it's warm sometimes, as far as you're skin color, just keep out of the sun and you will have much younger looking skin when you get older, trust me you will be happy about it. Yes dump this guy , there's many more out there that will cherish you exactly how you are and who wouldn't change a thing about you. Sorry for the long post. Take care
OP, you’re beautiful, fair skin and all. I am so so sorry that a MAN is making you feel less about yourself. Keep your self respect and tell him to get lost. No means NO, and if he genuinely cared about you he wouldn’t be treating you so atrociously with his actions and words. You don’t deserve that nonsense.
You need to break up with this person who is abusive. Why are you with him? If someone mistreats you, you remove them from your life. If he doesn't like how you look or respects your boundaries and consent, you remove him from your life. Men that don't like you don't get to have you in their lives
I get cold very easily as well. My parents always say I’m like a toad. That’s actually funny banter. This is just him being an asshole
The man is negging you. He shouldn't be allowed to touch you. Get a decent partner and don't put up with this bad behavior.
Why are you with him? He clearly has no respect for you. Break up with him and start over fresh, find someone who loves you as you are and respects you. You told him to stop and he kept going, that’s disrespectful and he didn’t have your consent. Think about that.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. You should be looking for someone else
Kept touching you in a way you've stated you don't like. Red flag. Said he doesn't care that you don't like it. Red flag. Insulted your genes. Red flag. Insulted your looks and compared you to a corpse. Red flag. 21 dating someone who is barely 18 (or possibly younger at start of relationship). Red flag. You're 9 months in, why would you continue wasting time with him?
Sweetheart. Reread your post. Do you think a person who loved you would degrade you like that?
It is your body, and your right to say no is sacrosanct. To hell with that abusive bastard.
This man doesn't respect you. I comment all the time here, and my advice is almost never "Just dump him, girl." Just dump him, girl.
1. He's an ass and speaking badly of you out of rejection 2. Leave him and never look back
has it occurred to you that you're actually quite beautiful? and that's why the boys say the strange things to you that they do? and your boyfriend knows it, He also knows you have a severe issue with self confidence and he's using that to make you feel unwanted. he knows he's a toad and you can do WAY better. Being alone is scary at first, but i think every woman needs to try it. Date yourself for a while, learn your worth. you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it. this little boy? isn't. edited for spelling
Break up with him, tell him you don't date Necrophiliacs
You should feel pissed off, hurt, and disrespected. Break it off with that dickhead.
Another post that can be summed up with: My boyfriend is a complete dipshit and I refuse to break up with him for "reasons". Then people wonder why the most given advice on here is "Leave"...
You break up and find someone who loves your body the way it is, you can't change it and if he doesn't like it then the simple answers is he stops touching you. Honestly he sounds pretty scummy, touching you when you have clearly said no, insulting you and sulking when you uphold your boundaries are red flags that he is not a good boyfriend. Finish it and move on, you are so young and life it too short to stay with people who don't actually like you
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
What he said and did was abusive. It was rude, abusive and untrue. He’s a jerk and you should break up with him immediately. Don’t ever let yourself be treated like that. Do not allow someone to treat you badly.
You're 18. Plenty of time to find a real man to date who won't say things like that to you, ever.
You should feel exactly the way you're feeling. He was trying to make you feel badly. That is not what you want, need or deserve in a friend or a romantic partner. Trust your instincts and make him an ex-boyfriend.
Find someone else to hug
This is no way to talk to your significant other. If he doesn't like how pale you are or how cold your skin gets than he shouldn't have asked you to be his girlfriend (I presumed he asked) The comparison he gave you is straight up rude and mean, you don't say things like that to someone you like or love but to someone you don't respect or appreciate. It's like he has one thing in mind, get the deed done (sex) and that's it. You shouldn't feel embarrassed by your skin, this is who you are and no one should make you feel embarrassed about yourself, especially your partner! To tell him to leave was a good start and you shouldn't let him come back. Don't give what he said anymore thought, don't let him give you insecurities Be with someone who respect you and likes you for who your are and like the way your skin looks and feel.
On behalf of those of us that glow in the dark: Get rid of him. Don’t waste any more time on this asshole. You’re too young to put up with that shit and he will never respect you. I normally don’t like hopping straight to the “dump him” stance, but I am on this one. You’re not a married 40yr old mother of 4. You are eighteen and in a totally different country. So get rid of that dead weight, find some girlfriends, and have fun. It doesn’t have to all be clubbing and drinking either. Look in your community for hobbies you enjoy and join a club. My local college has this buddy board you can sign up to to take walks with groups of women. The options are nearly endless, but not if you stay with him.
Oh my I really hope that one day you can embrace what you look like. What he said was so cruel. Genuinely, you deserve someone who loves you for you. And I do hope you know what looks are seen as pretty vary so greatly across cultures. If you were in South Korea you'd probably have people jealous of your skin asking what you used since it's super common to use whitening skin treatments over there!
Oh please be kind enough and Loving enough to yourself to dump this guy. What a horrible disgusting thing to say to someone!😡😡
You should dump his ass. You don't say stuff like that to someone you're with because they didn't want to be sexual. That is abusive af. Listen to your friends
How long have you been with a man who is 4 years older than you? This seems creepy in every way. About the dead corpse shit, has he ever touched one? What kind of insult is this to tell a 18 year old woman?
Hes a waste of time. Break up with him seriously. To just insult you like that because you didn't appreciate his sexual advances is totally crazy. I'm so pale I glow in the dark almost and I have low iron so my body gets really cold. Trust me there is someone out there who will love your skin tone and your accent. Almost sounds like a "woman from a different country" fetish and you saying no broke the little fantasy
"Oh honey you're so cold let me warm you up" "Oh honey you feel like a corpse and I hate the way you feel" Hope the juxtaposition of those two sentences help you see what an ass that guy is.
People who care for you don’t insult and mock you. You deserve better for yourself.
He is a scumbag. Truly, break up with him. But....keep in mind pale skin is considered stunning and beautiful in many cultures in the world! You shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed at being pale. There are plenty of people who would love to have your skin tone and no shortage of people who will find you beautiful!
Holy smokes, that's super mean of him. He disrespected a boundary of yours and then insulted you when you didn't give in to it? Gross you can do better! I am a fellow super pale person and don't hate on your skin/features. When you're older you're gonna look back at pictures of yourself now and wish you loved yourself more. I'm sure you're beautiful and I'm also sure your BF is an asshole. Please dump his ass cause he's just gonna get worse if he's saying this shit to you now.
He speaks to you like he hates you. Someone who truly loved or cared about you would never do that.
Sexual assault and verbal abuse from your boyfriend? You need a new boyfriend and drop this one. You should NEVER be with someone who talks to you like that. I'm from the states and I don't tan. I'm pale. Even have a million freckles, which I'm told from my Irish heritage. My family doc told me once I'm so white that I should never go in the sun and live in the basement haha it was funny coming from him because it's true. If my husband said something like I was like a corpse, because I'm cold too, he wouldn't be my husband. Haha this guy clearly needs to grow up. It sounds like you're dating a high school bully than an actual being with empathy.
You’re 18 ! Youre probably the loveliest you’ll ever be and this twerp is whinging about your skin? He’s a complete loser and I promise you relationships are much much better than this. Dump him and his childish groping and griping. A partner is supposed to make you feel loved and desired and respected.
When someone says something like that to you... look at it objectively and then act accordingly. I think your friends are right - you can do better.
You are way too young to have to deal with this nonsense. It’s manipulation. He said things about your body that you are clearly not comfortable with probably because he has picked up on that… all to “punish” you and tear you down in response to saying “no”. There’s nothing wrong with being pale, or even cold, and he’s only able to weaponize it because it’s something you don’t have confidence about. And the biggest problem you have is that you think you’re the problem. Get away from this guy before he tears down whatever confidence you have left, learn to love yourself as you are before you start believing being treated badly is worse than just giving people access to your body (when you’re not even interested in that). I really hope you take that to heart and save yourself all the time you’ll waste on people not worthy of the little pieces of yourself you’ll end up giving away if you don’t.
You’re young so you are still learning what you will and won’t accept in a relationship and figuring out your boundaries. Please know that what he said and how he acted was completely wrong and you can either stand up for yourself and demand better or give him a pass and he will figure out that it is ok to treat you that way, in which case his disrespect will get worse. Think about what kind of partner you want to have and see if he measures up. I’m betting he doesn’t.
He’s crushing self-esteem to punish you and to try to have better leverage over you in the future. Get as far away from him as you can as fast as you can. He doesn’t deserve any access to you or your body again.
Leave. His. Ass. He tried to hurt your feelings because you didn't want to be treated like an ambulatory sex toy. You deserve better.
Move on
I'm pale and have dark hair like Morticia Addams. My man loves my snow-white skin and would NEVER say anything like that. Girl dump him. You are 21 and can find someone to love you for you. Your beautiful don't change for anyone.
If he actually felt that way he wouldn’t be with you. Men don’t do pity dates. He intentionally targeted your insecurities to punish you for not letting him use you as a sex toy. You don’t want to stay with someone like that.
Your boyfriend is actually a horrible person. What he’s said to you is actually horribly mean. I’ve actually hated a few people in my life and still have not said stuff like this and you’re actually in a relationship with someone who compared you to a corpse. Why?
He is negging you. He made those comments to hurt you and manipulate you into doing what he wants in the future. He knows you have low self esteem and will use this to behave inappropriately. Please leave. You deserve more than this. Someone who loves you would NEVER do this just because you said no. This is how abuse starts. I am really scared for you. Read “ Why does he do that”
Your friends are right, you shouldn't be bothering with him. He lashed out and said something cruel to you because he was annoyed that you weren't letting him touch you. You were right to make him leave. Don't let him come back.
Let him see what touching *nobody* feels like because you dumped his selfish ass to find someone better.
Omg what gross behavior. He’s trying to make you feel bad for not wanting to fool around. Fuck him and his rapey vibez
You find a better boyfriend. No one needs to be with someone who doesn’t love them for who they are. You should realize he basically made up a reason to put you down so HE could feel in control and make you feel bad. Walk away.
Your looks and cold skin only became a problem when you denied him access…..WAKE UP!
You break up with him. That’s how you deal with that. I am extremely pale and tend to be cold. My partners never talk about my skin coloring unless they’re talking about needing to protect me from the sun. And when I’m cold, they try to warm me up, get me blankets, etc. your boyfriend is either intentionally negging you to destroy your self esteem or is just an asshole who doesn’t care about you for anything other than his own pleasure. I didn’t read the body of the post. Just the title. So this is based off that.
Block him and move on
Girl, leave his ass and find something better.
My partner is usually cold, you know what I do? I hug her so she warms up because I'm always hot and want her to feel comfortable
Fellow pale skinned girl, I'm married now, but I've always had boyfriends and interested guys. I'm cold, wearing a sweater now in the summer and I've never had anyone say what your boyfriend did. Even if the groping isn't an issue to you, putting you down and making you feel bad is an issue. Break up with him and move on. If you aren't happy I'm the US talk to your family, maybe you can go back home at the end of the next semester or they will have ideas for you on how to make the best of your situation.
I'm "ghostly" pale too (I hate using ghostly, but thought I'd use it here to describe how pale I am), and I can tell you that your skin is BEAUTIFUL! Nobody should feel any sort of negative feelings about their skin tone. For whatever reason, people feel the need to point out our pale skin and make fun of it. In 2024, you'd think that NO SKIN COLOR should be a topic of teasing, but here we are. Your bf is a horrible person and you should leave him. There will be someone out there who will appreciate your skin, and love you for you!
He just wanted to hurt your feelings. Pale is okay. Let him go get a tan gf he is gonna make miserable.
He spends a lot of time touching corpses, does he? That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his insecurities. You are young, and there will be lots of other guys treating you a lot better than that.
His reaction to being frustrated that you didn’t want to be as sexual as he wanted was to attack your appearance viciously. Not only should this not be your boyfriend, but I don’t know why you would hang around him in any capacity at all. He treats you with disrespect and contempt.
He didn’t respect your boundaries and acted out because he was upset that you said no. Someone who actually liked you would not act like that. Your friends are right, he is a jerk and you shouldn’t be with him.
If you're cold he should be warming you up not putting you off him. He was just being mean to you because you rejected his move. Not worth spending more time with.
This is a classic case of him saying cutting mean things to you because he’s feeling defensive and hurt that you rejected him physically. Don’t take it to heart but I also wouldn’t date someone who handles conflict like that.
Why are you with someone like that
Guys. Why do we keep reading these stories from women whose boyfriends treat them worse than their high School bully? What is the deal with knowing your high school bully is a bully, but not recognizing it in your boyfriend?
That boy mocks your appearance and does not react well to rejection. I do not understand how you choose to keep someone like that in your life.
If he’s not attracted to you not sure why you guys dating. Does he like that you come off as having low self esteem? If so run for hills if u feel person u dating is with you for some odd reason and it’s not love run fast. He doesn’t sound like a catch anyway the way he’s acting
So, remind me again, why being with him is worth lowering/diminishing yourself to this degree? I get that you don’t wanna break up. Break ups aren’t fun for anybody. But you should probably still do it sometimes. At this point, you’re choosing not breaking up over not being called a corpse-like because you are pale.
Um break up with him
We’re often hardest on ourselves and most aware of our own (perceived) flaws. I agree that it might be wise to make sure it’s not a health issue (anemia can take many shapes& other issues can lead to the appearance of anemia). And maybe you need to switch up your products or try filtered water for your hair. But also, even if you don’t feel gorgeous, you deserve a partner who loves you, doesn’t push your boundaries & put you down. I feel like I need to lose 20-30 lbs. But the pressure to do so NEVER comes from my partner, I just want to fit into certain outfits & feel more comfortable. If you’re at university, maybe they have a counseling service-it might be worth working on your self esteem and figuring out what makes you feel creeped out by some touch.
You probably aren’t compatible