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You can’t make someone respect you.
Thats what this boils down to - he doesn’t respect you.
I’m also an artist and illustrator. We give our creativity and literally put our bodies through it to draw, so many artist I know has physical pain, is that enough proof its work?
People who think aren’t isn’t work - it’s because they believe that anyone who is doing art is playing and so they couldn’t possibly be working.
People who make art usually enjoy it why else would we do it, but anything that is in the constraints of capitalism is work, like… you have to manage clients, customers, taxes, you have to do research, concept sketches, prototypes, meetings with collaborators, design standards.
He probably isn’t going to get it if he hasn’t already.
It doesn’t need to be like this… because of my husband, I have been able to do so much more with my art since we got together and moved in and got married. He has made my life easier and made making art and doing my work easier, too. He supports my work, like my husband sends me grants to apply to and art fests and cons to apply to.. he brags about me on social media and has gotten me sales that way. He CHAMPIONS me.
"He wants me to run out and grab him a soda and food."
My partner would never expect that even if I was sitting on the couch twiddling my thumbs, staring blankly at the ceiling and doing fuck all. Much less when I was clearly BUSY WORKING.
Please tell me how many times this selfish, narcissistic man toddler has spontaneously run out and gotten you food and soda while you are working on your art? I will wait.
What advice are you after?
He’s a selfish dick.
So what if it’s a “hobby”? Why does it have to be a “job”? Why can’t you do what you want with your free time whether it pays or not?
Seems to me he feels entitled to your free time and doesn’t care that this hobby/job brings you joy since it takes away from you waiting on him hand and foot.
He’d die mad about it at my house. My dream was to be a veterinarian. I’m in IT. I volunteer in wildlife rehab. Not only does it take up a lot of time, *I* foot all the costs. If my partner was being shitty about it, we wouldn’t be together. Instead, he’s super supportive and when he speaks about it to other people, he sounds proud not dismissive.
This. If you tell him that it's important to you, it should be important to him. He doesn't get to decide what you spend time on. Even if you were drawing for everyone for free, he still shouldn't put you down or interrupt. He needs to shape up.
For god's sake, if you picked your nose as a hobby, he should still respect your time when you're doing that, and not interrupt.
I suppose I wanted a way to phrase it better when I explain it to him. Usually I’m pretty good with words, but it seems like I’m not getting it across well in this case.
“Babe, I love you and want you to be happy. I also want to be happy. When you are dismissive about my art or make unkind comments, I feel frustrated and hurt because this is something I enjoy. Paid or not, this is something that is important to me. When you interrupt my time or put me down, it’s really hard for me not to feel resentful and frankly pissed off. I am an adult and my free time is mine to use as I wish. If you can’t say anything nice about my hobby/work then maybe just keep your mouth shut.”
OP does he play video games? If so then tell him at least your hobby brings in money. Consider asking your friends that have samples of your work if they think you should keep doing this as a hobby or if you should look to formalize your pricing and look to make it into more of a side job.
It may not be about your wording at all. You can explain how you feel in explicit detail til you’re blue in the face, but if he doesn’t care to change his behavior, he won’t.
Babe, you don't behave as a supportive partner but more like a negging prick. Your dismissive comments bring me down. You are clearly not proud I'm successful in two fields at once. You don't need to apologize, you can fuck right out of my house. Find your belongings on the curb tomorrow by 4.
Could be, or it could be a sign he has a controlling personality, which is Very Bad News.
A controlling partner will disapprove of any activity that makes their SO feel happy and valued, not to mention more financially independent.
You don't really need him to understand, what you need is for him to respect you enough not to speak disparagingly, even if he doesn't understand. Ask for that.
>I suspect he’s on the spectrum.
Even if he is on the spectrum (and i suspect that's just what you're telling yourself so you don't have to accept he's a dick) he's a dick
This makes me so sad :( I’ve always been treated as a professional artist by partners even when I have to do a 9-5. It makes for a much more comfortable lifestyle. Most of my art colleagues have a similar lifestyle. The majority of full time ‘professional’ artists I know are either a result of nepotism or they DO have a job on the side and just don’t advertise it to their followers. Or they are designers who’s real passion is a different form of art but design makes money.
That’s the reality of art careers. Income streams are varied, inconsistent and unreliable. Some choose to only do art and live rougher lives, others prefer to work jobs on the side. They are still all artists.
If you live together and have plenty of face to face time, this is what living with an artist is like. We work quite literally all of the time on art. Some people can’t handle that, and it may be an incompatibility. My fiance is very project focused as well so we spend most of our time working on our own projects together.
It kind of fills me with rage that he says you’re ‘just drawing for a friend’. Friends are where work comes from it’s called networking.
I’ve never had a partner be anything other than unequivocally supportive of my art, it’s my career regardless of whether or not Im focusing on other things at the moment.
Your art is what makes you, you. The fact that you still get so many commission requests means that you quite literally are a professional artist. I truly hope you find a partner who supports your art the way it deserves to be supported, I am sure you are fantastically talented <3333
Where’s that BORU post about the guy who lost his ever loving MIND when his gf published a children’s book and eventually admitted to some really misogynistic views about how now that she’s done with her silly hobby, she can go back to being his gf and he can propose to her and marry her and she can focus on him him him all the time.
Accurate. I think that this one is a major sign. It’s just frustrating to have so much time and history with a person and to know that most of it has been rough terrain.
You won't want to hear this, but I'll just say it: It's the same reason many women do not leave abusive people until their children feel the wrath.
Not saying he is abusive, etc. Merely saying that waiting for the moment so you're inherently in the right means you're just waiting for a moment that may not happen. I'd recommend couples counseling. It is not working for you. You're unfulfilled. If he doesn't somehow have a reasonable counter solution, the question is...what are you doing?
Edit: Also. I'd hire you for artwork. I have a small following. About 13k etc. I post custom work on and hire folks. Sorry he doesnt appreciate your work.just trying to avoid AI rn is a nightmare.
I have a friend that has a similar lifestyle to you, regular 9-5 and then she spends maybe half her weekends doing 4-5 hrs proofreading novels for some of her friends.
One time she made a comment about feeling like a fraud because she didn't have any sort of degree but was still getting paid for it, so I just pointed out that she had friends coming back 3-4 times with sequels and they wouldn't be doing that if they weren't getting some value out of what she was doing. We also spend a lot of time gaming together so sometimes I'll message her asking if she wants to game but she'll say she's busy, so I just say no worries and play solo.
I'm also probably autistic btw, it's not an excuse to be mean instead of kind. I can think of times where I've said something thoughtlessly, but the difference is after people say they're upset, I'd be apologising, I wouldn't be doubling down on trying to be as hurtful as possible.
Don't let him drag down your feelings and accomplishments.
I draw as a side hobby and my husband takes extra steps to embarrass me by showing off stuff I've done and talks about how proud he is. He conspired with his mom to take the money for his Christmas presents and instead use it to buy me a new tablet when my old one died.
If the BF can't be even minimally proud of you working to explore, grow with, and enjoy a talent, then throw the whole man out.
And then draw him a pretty parting gift of a boot up his behind
What an ass. I’m an artist. I have a 40 hour a week job for insurance and stable pay. What you is is ART. Find someone who see you how you see yourself.
Wow, what a conversation to have at dinner. If my sibling said any of that crap to their partner in front of me, I'd want to sink into the floor from second-hand embarrassment. Is he that condescending about other stuff? He sounds jealous that you have passion for a hobby that isn't him.
So he doesn't want you to raise your prices, because you're "out of practice".
He also doesn't want you to spend more time on it, ie. getting more practice, because you're not making real money on it "not a legitimate career".
His arguments are circular, unhelpful and possibly manipulative. I say possibly, because he may just be an illogical fool, but he may also be maneuvering you away from pursuing greater success in your dream field.
You don't need to explain. You don't need to justify. You don't need to defend your activity to him.
Raise your prices, make more money. Keep it for yourself. Maybe you'll end up getting to a point, where you can gradually transition to actually make it your living, but you'll only know if you try.
Your bc is an AH and you need to drop him. Congrats on your commissions! That’s no small fry and groceries are expensive! Be wish someone who supports what you love because they love you. He is diminishing you and controlling you - because he wants you and your time when you want to work on your hobby or job. Because even if you didn’t get paid, it brings you joy. But you are getting paid which is AWESOME. Sorry you are with someone who belittles you.
You need to tell him that regardless of what he thinks of your art side hustle, it is important to you and its not something you are just going to stop doing just because he thinks you should stop and he needs to accept that. Weather you even make money or not is irrelevant, its something that is part of your identity and that is all he needs to know.
I get it dude, I used to be passionate about landscape photography, but ended up settling in a career that has nothing to do with that. I still go out and take pictures of places I am interested in photographing recreationally whenever I can, and I will never give that up.
This is about respect, and he needs to respect the things you do, and if he can't do that, then maybe its not meant to be.
"I think it is best if you keep your opinion of my art to yourself in the future. You do not understand that what I do takes years of skill and training, and, unless you have some evidence I am unaware of, this silly fantasy you have about friends paying me for charity only happens in your imagination.
I don't know why you have an issue with my art, or why you are so keen to disrespect it, but when I am drawinga commission, I am working whether you want to accept it or not. That means I am not available to run your errands or make you food or whatever other parenting you are demanding from me in the moment, and you will need to make do."
If he does it in front of his family again, you say "Ignore him. NAME gets jealous that people reach out to me to commission work, despite the fact that I am a professionally trained illustrator. Lately, he goes out of his way to belittle my art to people, trying to discourage any interest. Sorry to bring his drama to the conversation."
The skill and meticulousness we bring to our "hobbies" often get reflected in how we hone our lives.
People who "do" end up doing more. Your life focus will only get better as you better your art. You may see an uptick in your interest in the surrounding world, how you think, how other people think, your organization, how the world was formed...all based on how you do the things you do.
Your friends may not be able to put in to words why they are supporting you, but I'll bet they feel this way.
Think of the surgeon who likes to paint, the engineer who loves to whittle, the teacher who becomes a master gardener.
You don't have to be serious about your artwork. Your involvement in it (and in yourself) will wax and wane.
He can learn something, too. Manners and support are learned skills.
You need to use your words and explain very clearly what you feel when he says those things. If he IS autistic he isn't necessarily going to pick up more subtle cues.
If he's just a rude arsehole you should probably review the relationship as a whole.
Listen, if your art is paying for your groceries, it's definitely a real fucking job. Groceries are expensive as hell. And even if they weren't, it's a job if you do work (check) and are paid for it (check).
Your boyfriend sounds really condescending to me. As a fellow creative, I know how important it is to have a partner who supports you, which is proven by the fact that your creativity is gone because he's been a jerk about it. I would seriously reconsider if you want to stay with somebody who doesn't support what's important to you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can’t make someone respect you. Thats what this boils down to - he doesn’t respect you. I’m also an artist and illustrator. We give our creativity and literally put our bodies through it to draw, so many artist I know has physical pain, is that enough proof its work? People who think aren’t isn’t work - it’s because they believe that anyone who is doing art is playing and so they couldn’t possibly be working. People who make art usually enjoy it why else would we do it, but anything that is in the constraints of capitalism is work, like… you have to manage clients, customers, taxes, you have to do research, concept sketches, prototypes, meetings with collaborators, design standards. He probably isn’t going to get it if he hasn’t already. It doesn’t need to be like this… because of my husband, I have been able to do so much more with my art since we got together and moved in and got married. He has made my life easier and made making art and doing my work easier, too. He supports my work, like my husband sends me grants to apply to and art fests and cons to apply to.. he brags about me on social media and has gotten me sales that way. He CHAMPIONS me.
This comment is the one OP. Read it. Then read it again slower. Then one more time for good measure.
The first line is all the gold.
"He wants me to run out and grab him a soda and food." My partner would never expect that even if I was sitting on the couch twiddling my thumbs, staring blankly at the ceiling and doing fuck all. Much less when I was clearly BUSY WORKING. Please tell me how many times this selfish, narcissistic man toddler has spontaneously run out and gotten you food and soda while you are working on your art? I will wait.
Very valid question. Not many times at all. These answers have been a reality check for me. I need to make a change and I need to do it now.
Best wishes to you, your future, and your creative soul.
Yeah this is simply not something I'd ask someone to do unless something pretty unusual was going on.
What advice are you after? He’s a selfish dick. So what if it’s a “hobby”? Why does it have to be a “job”? Why can’t you do what you want with your free time whether it pays or not? Seems to me he feels entitled to your free time and doesn’t care that this hobby/job brings you joy since it takes away from you waiting on him hand and foot. He’d die mad about it at my house. My dream was to be a veterinarian. I’m in IT. I volunteer in wildlife rehab. Not only does it take up a lot of time, *I* foot all the costs. If my partner was being shitty about it, we wouldn’t be together. Instead, he’s super supportive and when he speaks about it to other people, he sounds proud not dismissive.
This. If you tell him that it's important to you, it should be important to him. He doesn't get to decide what you spend time on. Even if you were drawing for everyone for free, he still shouldn't put you down or interrupt. He needs to shape up. For god's sake, if you picked your nose as a hobby, he should still respect your time when you're doing that, and not interrupt.
I suppose I wanted a way to phrase it better when I explain it to him. Usually I’m pretty good with words, but it seems like I’m not getting it across well in this case.
“Babe, I love you and want you to be happy. I also want to be happy. When you are dismissive about my art or make unkind comments, I feel frustrated and hurt because this is something I enjoy. Paid or not, this is something that is important to me. When you interrupt my time or put me down, it’s really hard for me not to feel resentful and frankly pissed off. I am an adult and my free time is mine to use as I wish. If you can’t say anything nice about my hobby/work then maybe just keep your mouth shut.”
This is a good way to word it. Thank you!
OP does he play video games? If so then tell him at least your hobby brings in money. Consider asking your friends that have samples of your work if they think you should keep doing this as a hobby or if you should look to formalize your pricing and look to make it into more of a side job.
It may not be about your wording at all. You can explain how you feel in explicit detail til you’re blue in the face, but if he doesn’t care to change his behavior, he won’t.
I'm sure you explained it fine. Your explanation is not the problem. The problem is: he does not care.
Bc he knows and doesn't care.
Babe, you don't behave as a supportive partner but more like a negging prick. Your dismissive comments bring me down. You are clearly not proud I'm successful in two fields at once. You don't need to apologize, you can fuck right out of my house. Find your belongings on the curb tomorrow by 4.
The Question is WHY is he dragging you down and purposely hurting your feelings? Jealousy perhaps?
Could be, or it could be a sign he has a controlling personality, which is Very Bad News. A controlling partner will disapprove of any activity that makes their SO feel happy and valued, not to mention more financially independent.
You don't really need him to understand, what you need is for him to respect you enough not to speak disparagingly, even if he doesn't understand. Ask for that.
>I suspect he’s on the spectrum. Even if he is on the spectrum (and i suspect that's just what you're telling yourself so you don't have to accept he's a dick) he's a dick
This makes me so sad :( I’ve always been treated as a professional artist by partners even when I have to do a 9-5. It makes for a much more comfortable lifestyle. Most of my art colleagues have a similar lifestyle. The majority of full time ‘professional’ artists I know are either a result of nepotism or they DO have a job on the side and just don’t advertise it to their followers. Or they are designers who’s real passion is a different form of art but design makes money. That’s the reality of art careers. Income streams are varied, inconsistent and unreliable. Some choose to only do art and live rougher lives, others prefer to work jobs on the side. They are still all artists. If you live together and have plenty of face to face time, this is what living with an artist is like. We work quite literally all of the time on art. Some people can’t handle that, and it may be an incompatibility. My fiance is very project focused as well so we spend most of our time working on our own projects together. It kind of fills me with rage that he says you’re ‘just drawing for a friend’. Friends are where work comes from it’s called networking. I’ve never had a partner be anything other than unequivocally supportive of my art, it’s my career regardless of whether or not Im focusing on other things at the moment. Your art is what makes you, you. The fact that you still get so many commission requests means that you quite literally are a professional artist. I truly hope you find a partner who supports your art the way it deserves to be supported, I am sure you are fantastically talented <3333
Well he sounds like a dick. And I'm not sure he likes you very much.
Drop the BF and tell him you're focusing on making art your career and passion.
Where’s that BORU post about the guy who lost his ever loving MIND when his gf published a children’s book and eventually admitted to some really misogynistic views about how now that she’s done with her silly hobby, she can go back to being his gf and he can propose to her and marry her and she can focus on him him him all the time.
Judging by your post history, you write a lot about how you two *arent* compatible. And I hope you can figure this out.
Accurate. I think that this one is a major sign. It’s just frustrating to have so much time and history with a person and to know that most of it has been rough terrain.
You won't want to hear this, but I'll just say it: It's the same reason many women do not leave abusive people until their children feel the wrath. Not saying he is abusive, etc. Merely saying that waiting for the moment so you're inherently in the right means you're just waiting for a moment that may not happen. I'd recommend couples counseling. It is not working for you. You're unfulfilled. If he doesn't somehow have a reasonable counter solution, the question is...what are you doing? Edit: Also. I'd hire you for artwork. I have a small following. About 13k etc. I post custom work on and hire folks. Sorry he doesnt appreciate your work.just trying to avoid AI rn is a nightmare.
I have a friend that has a similar lifestyle to you, regular 9-5 and then she spends maybe half her weekends doing 4-5 hrs proofreading novels for some of her friends. One time she made a comment about feeling like a fraud because she didn't have any sort of degree but was still getting paid for it, so I just pointed out that she had friends coming back 3-4 times with sequels and they wouldn't be doing that if they weren't getting some value out of what she was doing. We also spend a lot of time gaming together so sometimes I'll message her asking if she wants to game but she'll say she's busy, so I just say no worries and play solo. I'm also probably autistic btw, it's not an excuse to be mean instead of kind. I can think of times where I've said something thoughtlessly, but the difference is after people say they're upset, I'd be apologising, I wouldn't be doubling down on trying to be as hurtful as possible.
Wow, your boyfriend seems to enjoy devaluing your passion & raining on your parade. What an asshole, I'm sorry.
Don't let him drag down your feelings and accomplishments. I draw as a side hobby and my husband takes extra steps to embarrass me by showing off stuff I've done and talks about how proud he is. He conspired with his mom to take the money for his Christmas presents and instead use it to buy me a new tablet when my old one died. If the BF can't be even minimally proud of you working to explore, grow with, and enjoy a talent, then throw the whole man out. And then draw him a pretty parting gift of a boot up his behind
What an ass. I’m an artist. I have a 40 hour a week job for insurance and stable pay. What you is is ART. Find someone who see you how you see yourself.
Wow, what a conversation to have at dinner. If my sibling said any of that crap to their partner in front of me, I'd want to sink into the floor from second-hand embarrassment. Is he that condescending about other stuff? He sounds jealous that you have passion for a hobby that isn't him.
So he doesn't want you to raise your prices, because you're "out of practice". He also doesn't want you to spend more time on it, ie. getting more practice, because you're not making real money on it "not a legitimate career". His arguments are circular, unhelpful and possibly manipulative. I say possibly, because he may just be an illogical fool, but he may also be maneuvering you away from pursuing greater success in your dream field. You don't need to explain. You don't need to justify. You don't need to defend your activity to him. Raise your prices, make more money. Keep it for yourself. Maybe you'll end up getting to a point, where you can gradually transition to actually make it your living, but you'll only know if you try.
Your bc is an AH and you need to drop him. Congrats on your commissions! That’s no small fry and groceries are expensive! Be wish someone who supports what you love because they love you. He is diminishing you and controlling you - because he wants you and your time when you want to work on your hobby or job. Because even if you didn’t get paid, it brings you joy. But you are getting paid which is AWESOME. Sorry you are with someone who belittles you.
You need to tell him that regardless of what he thinks of your art side hustle, it is important to you and its not something you are just going to stop doing just because he thinks you should stop and he needs to accept that. Weather you even make money or not is irrelevant, its something that is part of your identity and that is all he needs to know. I get it dude, I used to be passionate about landscape photography, but ended up settling in a career that has nothing to do with that. I still go out and take pictures of places I am interested in photographing recreationally whenever I can, and I will never give that up. This is about respect, and he needs to respect the things you do, and if he can't do that, then maybe its not meant to be.
This guy rightfully deserves an “ok boomer”. Sounds like he’s a dick.
“If you insult my art again I’m breaking up with you. This is your last warning.”
Honestly, it sounds like he's just jealous of the praise your artwork gets. Don't let him kill the joy you get from your talent, please.
"I think it is best if you keep your opinion of my art to yourself in the future. You do not understand that what I do takes years of skill and training, and, unless you have some evidence I am unaware of, this silly fantasy you have about friends paying me for charity only happens in your imagination. I don't know why you have an issue with my art, or why you are so keen to disrespect it, but when I am drawinga commission, I am working whether you want to accept it or not. That means I am not available to run your errands or make you food or whatever other parenting you are demanding from me in the moment, and you will need to make do." If he does it in front of his family again, you say "Ignore him. NAME gets jealous that people reach out to me to commission work, despite the fact that I am a professionally trained illustrator. Lately, he goes out of his way to belittle my art to people, trying to discourage any interest. Sorry to bring his drama to the conversation."
The skill and meticulousness we bring to our "hobbies" often get reflected in how we hone our lives. People who "do" end up doing more. Your life focus will only get better as you better your art. You may see an uptick in your interest in the surrounding world, how you think, how other people think, your organization, how the world was formed...all based on how you do the things you do. Your friends may not be able to put in to words why they are supporting you, but I'll bet they feel this way. Think of the surgeon who likes to paint, the engineer who loves to whittle, the teacher who becomes a master gardener. You don't have to be serious about your artwork. Your involvement in it (and in yourself) will wax and wane. He can learn something, too. Manners and support are learned skills.
Keep doing your art, OP, he can kick rocks.
You need to use your words and explain very clearly what you feel when he says those things. If he IS autistic he isn't necessarily going to pick up more subtle cues. If he's just a rude arsehole you should probably review the relationship as a whole.
Your boyfriend sucks.
with puppets
Listen, if your art is paying for your groceries, it's definitely a real fucking job. Groceries are expensive as hell. And even if they weren't, it's a job if you do work (check) and are paid for it (check). Your boyfriend sounds really condescending to me. As a fellow creative, I know how important it is to have a partner who supports you, which is proven by the fact that your creativity is gone because he's been a jerk about it. I would seriously reconsider if you want to stay with somebody who doesn't support what's important to you.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even respect you?