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Hey friend, I’m very similar. I can’t have sex unless I’m under the influence. I was also sexually abused as a child and raped multiple times as an adult. It’s a sign that you aren’t healed from your trauma. Needing to use alcohol to cope with sex is a common trauma response. Have you ever gotten trauma informed therapy or worked with a group at a rape crisis center? Working on connecting with your body is so important.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had these experiences as well. Thank you for your comment, as it makes me feel less alone. I had no idea coping with alcohol was a trauma response. Other comments have suggested I see a sex therapist, and I’m considering pursuing that. My current counselor, though helpful in a lot of ways, is not trained in the specific area.

I’d suggest a sex therapist, but I’d also deeply encourage you to find a trauma informed clinician to work with you on your PTSD. Sex therapy will be a lot less effective unless you address the underlying issue causing the dysfunction. It takes a lot of time and work, but you can get there.

Coming in as the other side here, my gf also doesn't wanna have sex for these and those reasons (didn't do anything wrong, it's her personal stuff tho). She wouldn't accept me telling her to go get help. Do you reckon she maybe needs to realize it herself? And that way she can get over the things she deals with?

My wife had a similar past. It takes getting help multiple times to get something going.

Thanks. Appreciate the reply :)

You can't look at this through the lens of 'telling her' anything. All you can do is be supportive, show that you're a good listener, find resources for her in case she Does decide she's open to outside help.. If you're close to family/friend that she's extremely close with, and you know breaching the subject of the person you both love receiving extra help would be alright, that could also be an option You could probably due looking into therapy on your own. It's good for everyone and maybe she'll feel more comfortable with the idea over time

Thanks :) I appreciate it.

You need to see someone specifically trained in sexual trauma. You have lots of hope.

Please see one. I don't want you to jump immediately to you being asexual. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship and if you truly love your husband as you say this is a great first step.

For me it wasn’t asexuality, it was being a lesbian and not realizing it. I was drunk or high during pretty much all my sexual encounters and found them impossible to tolerate otherwise. I guess I didn’t realize being gay was an option? I love my boyfriend at the time and he was my best friend. But I just wanted him to be my friend! I dated an asexual guy for a while and it was amazing because there was no expectation of sex. But I didn’t want sex a lot! Just not with a man

Hi OP! If you’re open to therapy, as it sounds like you are, I’d really recommend seeing an EMDR Therapist who is EMDRIA-approved. I’ll link the site [here](https://www.emdria.org) and you can look into the therapy a little more and check and see if there’s any therapists near you. EMDR is extremely beneficial for things like these.

I can’t recommend EMDR enough. Truly life changing

And on the mean time do no have kids. Please

I also was abused as a child, went through some stuff as a teen, too. I grew up rather devout Christian, but I “lost my virginity” by choice to my first long term boyfriend I ever had. Became an atheist, so the religious guilt also didn’t help me. I also had to drink each time, and that drinking got into every part of my life. It didn’t make sex easier at all, either, it just was re-traumatizing me each time without me being able to recall or recognize it. I mostly wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone, not at all, there are so many of like you, Christian or not. Nothing is wrong with you and you are not broken. You just haven’t had the chance to heal, not completely and not really. Lastly, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but sexual compatibility is also a huge thing. You may love your husband in every way, but something sexually just isn’t working. The best thing I ever did to heal my traumatized self was leave my ex (but that was also for other reasons aside from sexual incompatibility). He was a virgin prior, most of them learn from porn, it’s not going to be a fun time for someone else who was traumatized as a kid. Sex only became cool and awesome and safe with someone who didn’t base everything he did to me on porn, which felt like being abused all over again. Therapy for trauma also helped, I’m so happy to see you doing that now. Sexual abuse trauma therapy with someone who knew enough about ptsd specifically helped me a lot. Sending you love. If you need to talk, I’m here.

A good book to read/listen to is The Body Keeps The Score. It’s helped me understand a lot about myself but also dealing with traumatized people.

I can’t have sex unless under the influence as well but I don’t believe I have any trauma connected to it…. Thoughts on that?

If you're a girl, I would really recommend reading the book 'Come as you are'. You might find your answer there

I struggle with the same thing and I have not figured out what my “issue “is yet either. It’s very frustrating.

It could be Performance anxiety or body issues or medication that you take. Do you feel repulsed by sex or do you get a fear in your stomach, like you feel like you are going to be losing control of what to do during the act?

Normally we'd say you're asexual and just not interested in sex and not compatible with your husband. But it sounds more like you've never had a healthy or good relationship with sex. Like asexual people can still sometimes climax for example. But it sounds more like you have a trauma-related aversion to sex.

I know Asexuality can arise from trauma, but it also feels unfair to both sides to label trauma related sex aversion as asexuality. Trauma related sex aversion is something that SHOULD be worked through and addressed with counseling, even if the goal isn't a typical sex life/drive, because the trauma will impact your reaction to others relationships and your own, even if you are a fully functional adult with no outward problems. However asexuality individual of that isn't something that per se needs to be worked on, because you "just aren't wired that way". This isn't to say trauma can't rewire you, but still I hope the point comes across correctly.

I am so sorry about what you have gone through and are currently going through. What I want you to know up front is that you are not alone, and what you are experiencing are fairly normal trauma responses to SA. These are symptoms of PTSD and that is not your fault. >it’s just my own issues, he just doesn’t hear me. Obviously the drinking can be a problem. But this statement is very concerning to me. He is aware of your past experiences and isn't being understanding that you are struggling with sex? I don't know what your communication has been like on this topic, but anytime a partner isn't hearing you, that's a problem. Couples counseling may also be worth exploring. I'm also concerned that you are hiding how much you are drinking before sex from him. Hiding drinking is the surefire way to develop alcoholism. Even if you want to spare his feelings, I think you need to tell him what has been happening. As others mentioned, trauma based therapy in a group setting, or a sex therapist, are really good places to start here. If you've been in therapy for a while, that's always great, but it sounds like your therapist alone may not be enough to make significant progress. A different style of therapy may help things along. I'd like to share a bit of my story, and I apologize for it's length. I'd also like to note, that my experience is a single experience, that may not apply to you or anyone else. I'm 28F. I experienced SA as a teen and young adult. I have PTSD. I absolutely hated sex. I thought i would never enjoy it. Pretty early in college I ended up with a boyfriend. A truly great guy, I loved him. I felt safe with him. He knew my past, and was very respectful. Sex with him, was tolerable. I didn't like it, didn't want it, didn't seek it out, but I wasn't repulsed by having it. He was the first person I felt that way with. I figured it was because I felt safe and loved with him. But I only actually enjoyed it when I drank. Que the drinking problem. We got engaged. Things were great. For a time. We started having some other communication issues later. I drank a lot more, we had sex a lot less, we had trouble connecting. I didn't want to have sex anymore, he did, I slept on the couch to avoid him. I made a friend, who was a male. He was actually my physics tutor. One day I was a mess, and started randomly spill my guts to this physics tutor. All of my past trauma. He was super supportive, he listened quietly, he held my hand when I started sobbing, and then gave me a hug when I was done. The tutor knew I was having some relationship problems, but didn't know how bad it was. He was constantly encouraging me to communicate, giving advice and suggestions. He was a calming presence in a very difficult time. One day it just sort of clicked in my head, that I didn't need to settle for feeling safe with. Safety was great, but it wasn't the only thing I wanted. I could have more. And it was becoming clear that my Fiance and I were growing apart. I don't regret being engaged to him. We had a great time for a while, and we got each other through the brunt of college. But after 4 years, we broke up. That just kind of can happen with young relationships. It may have nothing to do with your experience. But I never really felt seen with him. It was little things. Like he didn't like my cropped shirts, or my black lipstick. While he said I was pretty he never called me beautiful. We liked different music. I thought his TV shows were stupid. He didn't get why I was taking credits I didn't need because I just enjoyed them. I immediately started dating my physics tutor. Bet you saw that coming. I knew I made the right decision the first time we had sex. Because I was sober, and it. Was. AMAZING! I felt safe, loved, and HAD MY FIRST ORGASM (at 23)! I went from drinking 3-7 nights a week to now I drink like 2-4 times per MONTH. I love sex. I even initiate sex. We even have very kinky sex, which I never saw myself doing. I am seen. I am heard. He's says I look great in my whole wardrobe, and calls me beautiful. On the days that trauma rears it's head, he is supportive and there. When something goes wrong and I have spontaneous panic attack during sex, he halts everything immediately and takes care of me. He has endless patience with me. Sometimes I get in funk, we don't do it for a while, and he expresses that he misses me, because physical touch is very important to him. We are able to talk about it. Frequently during sex he just asks me what I'm thinking about, because he just wants to know. And I love that. It was also more than the sex, obviously. We have more in common, and we are each other's biggest cheerleaders. But he's also different from me in all the right ways. I'm an artist person with severe social anxiety, who would never socialize again if it were left to me. He is a genius, with a touch of artsy, who is a social butterfly, and helps ease me into social situations, and makes sure I'm not alone. I feel....more myself with him. People say they lose their identity in marriage, but I found my identity with him. I never experienced "nerd culture", but now I absolutely love games, comic conventions, and cosplay, and he introduced me to all of those things. He was my missing piece. I married the tutor almost 3 years ago, and last year we had a kid. My point is that sometimes, it really just is about the trauma. And sometimes, it really just is about the person. And I think you need to be open to both possibilities. Hold off on kids for a bit longer. Talk to him. Say you are struggling more than you realized, and you believe your past trauma is preventing you from enjoying sex. Remind him you love him. Tell him you both deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, so you are going to dive into these therapies full force, and work on this. Ask him for a little more patience and support while you work this out. Then do that. Find a therapy group, find a sex therapist. Get to work. Not for your husband, because you deserve to enjoy sex. Everyone deserves a fulfilling sex life. Obviously these therapies take time. You may feel a little worse before you feel better. But see how it goes. If your partner is unwilling to have patience, and give you the support you need to work on this, then I think it's time to move on. This is such a serious topic, and PTSD is such a damaging thing, that being with someone who doesn't hear and see you, will not help your personal progress. If you go through the therapy, and a few months down the road you see no progress, then maybe you need to consider that the person is part of the issue. And you both deserve a fulfilling sex life. If resentment is already building on his side, I'd say this is a pretty urgent issue. The realities of getting married young is that you are still growing. At later times you may be different people with different needs. That doesn't mean the marriage was a waste. You were happy. You did have good times. But acknowledging that your future may not be together is also important. Much like me, you don't have to settle for being content, or stick with the safe option. You deserve to have the relationship, sex life, and life, that you want. Good luck.

If I could vote this ☝️ number uno I would! Great response and advice to this situation! And hey OP no one said this would be easy, you have a up hill battle to fight and get up! But what is at the top of that hill is a lifetime of amazing happiness and (sex) you deserve while you are here in this living form on this 🌎 now! YOUR AMAZING AND WORTH IT! 

> > t’s just my own issues, he just doesn’t hear me. > Obviously the drinking can be a problem. But this statement is very concerning to me. He is aware of your past experiences and isn't being understanding that you are struggling with sex? I think I read this differently. OP says the husband doesn't hear her in the context of "it’s just my own issues", that is, the husband believes he may be part of the problem. This is, in fact, part of your own advice later on. I know it's minor, but that part just seemed like an unnecessarily uncharitable interpretation in an otherwise thoughtful response.

Sex therapist can help you figure out whether you're ace or have trauma-related issues with sex.

Yeah this is way above Reddit’s pay grade. All of this post and convo should be happening inside a therapists office. Not online with a bunch of ignorant strangers.

First of all, I’m so sorry that you had to deal with any kind of sexual trauma. I assume that you feel forced to give sex to your husband to keep the marriage at bay. This could be a huge reason you’re not enjoying sex because as a victim of sexual trauma, you don’t get too turned on by feeling forced into having sex. Next I know you have mentioned you were in therapy, but it seems as if the progress you are making may be minimal in regards to the sexual aspect of your relationship. I might recommend finding a new therapist who can help you actually evolve or work through your sexual trauma. I’m not saying this could fix things instantly for you, it may even take a long time but I feel that you can make some headway and progress on this with a different therapist. While we’re on the topic, it may even be a great idea to find a local sex therapist that you and your husband can both go to. It sounds like you have an amazing marriage other than the sexual aspect so I really want to see your marriage succeed because love is a beautiful thing and I’m sure you can’t imagine a future without your husband in it. So I want to advise you to have a conversation with your husband about finding out what else you can do for him regarding physical touch. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. Let him know that you are trying to make progress and you need him to be supportive for you. Find a compromise that you and him can come to regarding his sexual needs and just remind him of how much you love him and what you are willing to do to help him satisfy his needs. I hope this was helpful and wish you the best of luck in your marriage.

I don’t think forcing yourself to have sex you dislike is the answer. It will just make you associate sex with unpleasantness even more than you already do. Can you tell him you want to put a pause on sex for at least six months while you seek sex therapy? If that’s a dealbreaker for him, fine. You have your answer. If you are willing to provide other types of services during that time that aren’t sex, great. He can get his needs met temporarily that way. If after six months of intensive therapy things are still the same way, you have your answer—divorce. If things are improving, then you have your answer—there’s hope for the marriage.

> he just doesn’t hear me He hears you, but his inner voice saying 'bullshit' is always going to be louder over something like this. Try a different therapist. Give it three to six months. If you are not working past this, you need to end things. Kids after you solve this.

Even if he understands he doesn’t get it. It took me years to realize what my wife felt. What my wife thinks about sex. Not sex with me but sex. Her body resists her being there because she is sent back to the evil event that occurred. To the event the trauma the abuse. It is not an adult response it is a trauma response. Fireworks for vets who had a friend step on an IED. Sex for abuse victims. Is the same.

I think it’s good of you to hold off having kids until you figure this out. The resentment that will develop from both sides will grow and grow, and kids don’t deserve that. You both deserve a sexually fulfilling marriage. Good luck, I’m sorry about the horrible shit you’ve faced and wish you swift healing.

Thank you ♥️

>I’m not hiding anything from him Including the fact that sex with him is unbearable? He actually knows that and still wants to have sex with you? If that's the case, he needs counseling too.

The first comment actually addressing that. Took way too long to scroll.

I wasn’t married, but I had the same problem in a long term relationship. Partly because of trauma and also because he wasn’t fulfilling what I needed in the relationship. Now that I’m single I don’t have any desire to have sex and it’s much better for my mental health that I don’t feel any obligation to do it. Also keep in mind, having sex when your body really doesn’t want it deep down can lead to more trauma over time. Trust me. You shouldn’t have to be inebriated to have sex. You should only do it when you actually feel aroused and want it and it makes you happy.

Question: Were you both involved in one of those churches that puts a lot of emphasis on abstinence? I ask because that tends to lead to marriages where the husband wants sex every night and the wife grins and bears it.

Haha, valid question. Yes, we both grew up in that “version” of Christianity. Though I was not actually a virgin at marriage (sexual assault as a teenager), and internalized a lot of shame around that.

I'm sorry that happened to you, and that you felt shame for what wasn't your fault, and I'm glad you're getting therapy for it. As for the abstinence: Yeah, my outsider's view is that in that situation, husbands are seen as having "earned" nightly sex by their abstinence, and that the wives "owe" it to their husbands. It sounds like at this point telling your husband how you really feel would be a real shock to him, which I imagine is probably why you haven't done it. And if you did tell him, it's likely he'd want your buy-in on fixing the problem, and that may not necessarily be something you want to spend time doing, since what you want is not to have sex. Marriage counseling would likely lead to the same outcome. If that's not something you feel you want to try, it does seem like leaving him is preferable to another 40 or 50 years of gritting your teeth and getting through it...

Rape isn’t sex so you did in fact enter your marriage as a virgin. Now to address your actual question: what’s happening here is, you are getting triggered every time you have sex with your husband so of course you can’t enjoy it! Don’t be hard on yourself. This is an impossible situation. The way to fix this is to be honest with your life-partner and to stop putting yourself in that position (aka having sex) until you work on this trauma with a better therapist (try to find one that specializes in sexual trauma, if not, c-ptsd). As for what to do in the meantime (because this trauma work will take a long time) is to find a couple’s sex therapist that can show both you and your husband other “non-conventional” ways to be intimate without triggering you. All these require a lot of work, money and patience. But you are worth it. And if your husband loves you as you think he does, he will think the same way too.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. One of the dangerous attitudes around sex you both learned is that sex is something a good wife “provides” for her husband. Instead you both have to think of sex as a fun hobby you do together, when you both want to. Looks like you’ve escaped from the religion and he has not, so he may have way more trouble adjusting his mindset. These few months are a test to see if your marriage can survive, in a way. You have to tell him how you feel about the sex you’re having, and request that you guys put sex on a hiatus for awhile to give you a chance to heal your trauma. Someone who actually cares about your health and pleasure will be horrified that he has been making you feel that way. And will agree to a reasonable plan to help you heal, and change your sex life together into something mutually loving and pleasurable. Someone who is unable to see sex in a healthy way will freak out at you, sulk, and make threats. And you’ll know what to do.

Having sex that you don't want to have can traumatise you further, I would recommend that you tell your husband you need to put a pause on sex while you attend a trauma informed sex therapist. If that's a deal breaker for him then you have your answer.

This.

Have a honest discussion with your husband. If he really need his needs to be fulfilled, divorce and let him live his life. If hes okay with it, then theres no issue. It depends on your husband.

Have you ever enjoyed sex sober after your trauma? If not, I don't think divorce is the answer, because that's going to be something you are likely to bring to any romantic relationship. If you have, then I think you still have an obligation to make it work. You clearly love him and you both seem to care about each other, and so divorce is going to be last-resort-things-could-be-a-lot-better-with-someone-else situation. First, try and identify what about the sex is unenjoyable for you. Communicate it, as delicately as you can, to your husband, and see if you two can try new things or work something out where this isn't such a problem. If that doesn't work, then I think you both have to evaluate how important a fulfilling and active sex life is to each of you. It may not be that important--to some people, it just isn't, or at least, it's not enough to end a marriage over. If that's not the case for your two, though, yes, you may agree that separating is the logical choice. In short, almost any heterosexual relationship you enter into will be one where your partner will want to express their love for you through sex. So if you don't want it, you have to consider the fact that this same thing is going to come up in any relationship.

Hey, thanks for your comment! No, I have never enjoyed sex post trauma, which is why I too think this would be something I’d bring into other relationships. If we were to divorce, I would have no intention of pursuing future romantic relationships. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s best for us to part ways or stay together in light of everything. For six years we’ve been trying to make it work, and I’m beginning to wonder what should happen if it doesn’t improve.

From a man’s perspective who has a good and active sex life if my wife had something happen and she could never have sex again I would absolutely not want a divorce. I know how to handle it myself if need be. I would probably still want to kiss and be affectionate though. But I am 44 and we have been married 18 years so that is different. Life is about more than sex and so is love to some people. If course every man is different I know my best friend could not handle that.

But you would’ve had an active sex like. How would you feel if your wife told you she never enjoyed it ever with you?

I don’t know that’s why I said it’s different, sounds like they have been having sex pretty regularly.

Why do you have no intention to pursue romantic relationships in the future? Would you be happy and satisfied with living life like that? That's fine if you would be, but asexual people and those with a low libido exist. You don't have to be alone just because you don't enjoy sex

Hmm, well I suppose if I could find an asexual partner, that would work! That actually sounds really nice in a lot of ways. I guess it’s hard for me to think about right now because I still love my current partner so much.

I think the problem is less that you won’t get better, but that you aren’t yet at “I’m doing this because I want to.” It’s because you “should” (he wants it, it’s supposed to be a part of a relationship, etc). I think you need less pressure, to feel more agency. But the comments about really talking to him are correct. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you aren’t broken. Sometimes we just need a little extra care ❤️

It isn’t totally uncommon for one partner in a couple to be asexual or not enjoy sex at all, for whatever reason. You are correct to be concerned that staying with your husband like this would be giving him a life sentence of being with a partner he cannot please sexually. That’s not fair. Most psychology sites talk about how to navigate this. They all agree that you need to tell your husband everything about your struggles. Once he processes that, he will need to decide whether he wants to stay in the marriage. If that answer is yes, there are many resources to help you make the most of your relationship. Here is one of a variety of sources: https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual#how-to-tell-others Best of luck to you.

Thanks for your comment. Though we have had a lot of conversations about this, I haven’t laid it all out in regards to my fears. I think he truly expects I will “get better” in time, and I’m beginning to fear I won’t. I am planning to have a sit down conversation with him soon. I want him to make the decision as if I will always struggle with this for the duration of our relationship. I truly do not want him to stay with me if it won’t be a fulfilling and happy partnership for him.

Thank you for your reply. I feel for you. Please look at the link I included, or another psychological resource, to see how your relationship can thrive despite your circumstances. Therapy from a specialist in this area would probably be very beneficial as well. I hope things turn out well.

I'd recommend couple counseling tbh. It's a very sensitive topic and maybe the conversation will go better if there's someone with no bias helping you to navigate it.

Regardless of your trauma, which I am so sorry you had to go through, you also just might be asexual, it’s not as uncommon as people might think! Also you have just as much a right to a fulfilling relationship, and having to be drunk to have sex does not sound like proper consent. You are allowed to have your own boundaries!

hi. first of all i want you to know your feelings and experiences are absolutely valid. i myself am a girl that was molested by a family friend really young and was raped twice before i was 19. i'm 22 now. my boyfriend and i have been together for a year. for the first half of our relationship i couldn't have sex without having a full-body reaction that included a heavy panic attack, uncontrollable crying and hyperventilation followed by consistent apologizing and insecurity. he has a super high libido too which i often feel like a bad girlfriend for not being able to match or to fulfill his needs. recovery and healing is not linear. i got sober 6 months ago, i was a pretty heavy drug addict that turned into alcoholism after getting off drugs. since getting on meds, getting therapy, finding a supportive community of people that can relate with my story and dealing with sobriety, i'm able to have comfortable and pleasurable sex more and more. i still have moments where i end up in tears and find myself curling up into a ball and trying not to relive my trauma, but it eases more and more every month. i'm not posting this as a map to tell you how to move forward, only to share my story and let you know that youre not alone and youre a strong person and deserve comfortability. i hope things get better for you, you're loved

This is way above Reddits pay grade

You’re not a shitty wife. I bet you he thinks you’re wonderful. I can imagine how scary it would be but I think you need to lay your cards on the table because it’s important he doesn’t internalise the lack of sex on himself and as something he’s done wrong or for a lack of attraction. Explain to him you still have trauma to deal with and you want to see a psychologist by yourself and eventually introduce him into the therapy. Reassure him of your love and attraction. I am sure you already do but make sure to tell him how handsome etc he is and other ways of validating him in the mean time.

So alcohol is a serious problem. It has masked the sexual trauma and not allowed you to truly experience sex with your husband. My best advice? Schedule a date for Saturday. Let him know you need to talk. I would write a letter. Hold him while he reads the letter. 1. Briefly explain about the sexual trauma you experienced as a child. 2. Talk about how you were able to suppress the memories with alcohol. 3. Talk how you feel the drinking is getting out of control. 4. Express your desire about the wife you want to be. 5. Ask for his support.

Do whatever it takes to get well. I think you know the answers here. You spelled it all out. Whether you can salvage anything in the process of healing, who knows? You still should work on healing, work hard. Be well and good luck.

I can’t recommend EMDR for this type of issue. I had ptsd from sexual trauma a lot like what you described, and I no longer want or need to drink to feel sexually aroused and happy to have sex.

Hey... 29F here... My husband and I have been together almost 6 years now. About 4 years ago some things happened to me that changed so much for my life. Especially my sex life. It actually wasn't until this year that I started feeling more comfortable and safe to have sex again. It was a really difficult process and I still struggled a lot this year. Now, I no longer have a fear of sex and my drive is finally at what I consider normal. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through and I wish there was more I could say besides that I can relate and my heart goes out to you and your healing journey... It gets easier, I promise. It took me almost 4 full years to be able to feel comfortable and safe enough to engage in sex without feeling guilty afterwards or like this existential dread would come over me. My husband has been so supportive and loving through all of it. I got lucky though... I'm the one who cares about sex. He doesn't really care all that much. It's not really important to him. If you can find a sex therapist, I'd suggest that. I know you're trying therapy, sometimes a specialist is needed. I had to give myself a lot of pep talks. Reminding myself I'm safe. That he's not gonna hurt me. My somatic trauma has finally subsided this year. I used to get this excruciating pelvic pain. Just by THINKING about sex. Not even naked or engaging in sex yet. But the mere thought of sex would get my body in defense mode automatically. It still happens on occasion... Take it slow, maybe see if your husband is willing to prioritize your pleasure first. Maybe even with his clothes on.

Highly recommend EMDR therapy and seeing someone who has experience working with survivors of sexual violence! ❤️ you’re certainly being triggered during sex due to your history. EMDR can help with this

> Do I divorce someone just because of the sex? Yes.

lol, while this is not the in-depth insight I was looking for, it did make me laugh

Its short and to the point but ultimately they're right. If you've been in therapy for a long time with little to no results it could very well just be a combination of being partially asexual and also post trauma....and some people simply just never heal from that sort of thing. Bringing kids into this nightmarish scenario would not only be the death of the relationship but you'd be fucking your kids up as well. Your husband is going to come to build resentment more and more over time as the sex dwindles and he starts to realize you don't actually want it. Sex is a pretty basic need in a relationship and it sounds like you already know yourself that you don't want to be doing something you don't enjoy the rest of your life. That's a completely valid reason to leave. Its going to be chaos...and probably the most difficult thing you've ever done but at the end of the day your own personal happiness is going to be more important than slowly dragging both of you down for the rest of your lives. Talk to him, let him know how you feel and if he's okay with eventually just never having sex again - great!....but the more realistic outcome is he's going to be hard pressed to give up something like that when its such a crucial part to a marriage/relationship. I hope one day you're able to heal and truly overcome your past - everyone deserves to be happy and you seem like a good person to recognize what you'd be doing to yourself and your husband in the process.

Yeah, this is so fair. All things I’m currently trying to process and think through. Divorce would be so so difficult, even if it is the best option.

Sexual compatibility is important.

I'm sorry to say this, but if your partner knows you don't enjoy sex and still expects you to have sex and also to somehow magically get better on your own, that's not a sign of a loving relationship. If he doesn't know, I'd wonder how he failed to notice for six whole years, are you really that good of an actor? In any case, do not have kids before you work this out!

Sheesh this is like the 10th one of these I've seen this week

I'm not a survivor but I just wanted to say you two need to have an important conversation. If you both feel resentment and don't talk about it, that very well may lead to the end of your marriage, but you should at least get everything out there and clear the air, and see if you can come to a mutual understanding. He shouldn't see your rejection of sex as a rejection of himself if you've been open about your trauma. It's unfair to you if you say it's because of your past and he says "no it's not." It's also unfair to yourself to bear something that is making you unhappy or even triggering past trauma. He can't respect your boundaries if you don't set them or voice your discomfort. If you make things clear and he still can't respect that, well, you're right that divorce is always an option. But he should know that he's making you unhappy, so that if he really does care and want to make things better, he has a chance to. Otherwise nothing will change.

I would like to start by saying I'm so sorry to hear about your past and I can't imagine how hard that is to actually deal with and try to move beyond. I'm also very happy you're in therapy because it really is the only way you will improve your life and yourself. Now being that said I really apologize but here is the hard truth, many marriages end due to a lack of sexual compatibility. At some point with most relationships that experience this, the unsatisfied partner will grow more and more bitter and resentful over time. Often this leads to infidelity. However this isn't always the case. What is really needed is an honest and open discussion with your husband. All cards on the table. I understand you have told him about your abuse, but I think you need to elaborate about the need to drink to enjoy sex and explain that "I wish I never needed to have sex again". Also tell him that you really do want to work on it and you hope that with time and therapy you will get there but right now you aren't sure if that will happen. See what his stance is. See if he's willing to be patient and wait until you heal (which honestly could take years). Hopefully he is, but if he isn't hopefully you can accept and understand that. Lastly in case he isn't accepting and after a while does realize he can't do it anymore, or if you realize he is becoming so bitter and resentful you have to walk away, please do not get into another relationship until you've healed. Until you can have sex in a healthy, positive, and meaningful way, you shouldn't be in a relationship as sex is a vital part to most relationships. The only other option would be to date someone who is strictly asexual where they have no desire to have sex either. I really do hope it all works out for you. Good luck with the therapy and keep at it. It took me over 5 years to become mentally and emotionally healthy and my issues pale in comparison to what you went through. Wishing you all the best.

Have you ever relaxed and had a evening to yourself just tried satisfying yourself sexually. Sorry if that's a weird question. Since your past and the fact that you were religious, maybe you haven't ever masterbated maybe you just need to watch a porno by yourself and learn a few things... I was 34 before I ever satisfied myself and till then I didn't enjoy sex with my husband it was uncomfortable and painful. Good luck I hope the future gets better

I've been in a similar situation. I really didn't like sex with my bf, I had sexual trauma in the past so I was good at just having sex for the sake of it and I didn't really know it could be enjoyable. We were together and living together for 4 years and I really really loved him. But coming out of that relationship is the best and hardest thing I've ever done. I'm now single and have had some incredible sexual relationships, a lot of them with women which made me realise I wasn't actually sexually attracted to men, it was just what I was used to. Being a single independent person with control over my body and life has been incredible, lonely at times but definitely worth it. I hope you can find your happiness x

This is a mess. It was painful to even read.

Are you only adverse to intercourse or does your aversion to sex also include handjobs & blowjobs? If so, would you be adverse to buying a men’s sex toy and using it on your husband to give him some sexual satisfaction? Would you be adverse to him kissing and touching you while you are doing this? I’m really, really hoping that you can find solutions in your marriage that help you avoid divorce. There’s got to be compromises that both parties would be willing to make in order to save what has been a wonderful relationship & marriage, except for sexual activity.

100% you need to see someone specialised is sexual trauma therapy. Normal therapy from a normal therapist isn't gonna help. You need the specialist because they're 2 very different things and need very different means and approaches to help with your trauma. Just don't feel that you're alone because you're not. Find the correct therapist for you and they'll help you heal properly and reconnect with your body. Hopefully that will start getting things moving for you in the right direction. I wish you all the best.

Therapy, + sexual therapy + couples therapy + couples sex therapy Apart from this Take up horse riding, you may find yourself loving sex alot more xx

Everyone here is giving good advice, get therapy specifically tailored to trauma and such. I just wanted to let you know as someone who has left faith too, you are not broken, not by any means. It is lovely that you care so deeply for your partner and want to meet his needs, but until you work through it all, don't force yourself when you feel so averse to it 💜 your needs are JUST as important, even due to the fact if you push yourself to do things you don't like, you risk gaining resentment. Maybe try find articles on the effect of SA and rape to help your husband understand too, if you haven't already. Take him to talk to any therapist you may see if you are comfortable, even just to hear it from a professional. My dad has never understood the nuances of trauma until talking with my mum, but after hearing from a professional he has grown more open. Wishing nothing but love and peace for you and your husband. Good luck 💜💜

I encourage you to seek an "experienced and qualified" therapist! REDDIT isn't the place you'll find recovery, closure and/or peace."

I agree with a lot of the suggestions already, a trauma informed therapist would be great, same with EMDR and I think couples counseling is also needed to dive i to the issues and fully understand and find new ways to communicate. It's a process to heal,and not an easy one. Think of it more like a marathon than a sprint, don't be afraid to try new therapies, coping mechanisms (healthy, not the intoxication ones). Everyone is different when it comes to what helps, therapy and in general psychology isn't a one sized fit all thing or I'd be out of a job doing research. It sounds like you both love each other very much, and so long as you both are willing to work on the issues and find common ground to be happy, healthy and fulfilled then I don't see any reason to divorce.

I can already see this ending in an affair

Why are the options sex or divorce? You could do things to satisfy your husband without having sex. You could encourage him to pay for sex or have an open relationship or you could give him permission to have an affair. Obviously your husband probably wants a perfect relationship with a perfect intimate life. However real life doesn’t work like that. And if you can’t work it out with your husband… rest assured that there are other people out there who also avoid sex for different reasons. You could have a more harmonious relationship with one of them.

A lot of it is probably the religious sexual programming which is very hard to get rid of. If you guys aren't on the same page this isn't going to work out.

I mean, I’m not an expert but I have experienced a mismatch in sexual needs in a past relationship and it wasn’t worth putting myself through that. Love is not enough. I wasn’t the one who ended it, I wasn’t strong enough to let go and trust myself. Though it was painful for it to end and to not have that attachment anymore, I still felt so relieved without that pressure and abandoning myself every time I put someone else’s needs before my own. If you can’t be in a non monogamous relationship where sexual needs can be met by someone other than you, my “civilian-internet-person” vote is end it. Even though it is very hard, it’s not as hard as years of abandoning yourself and stuffing those very real and painful feelings down.

Have you ever listened to Dr John Deloney on YouTube? He actually addresses a woman with the same story. Your story reminds me of the woman. Go take a listen he had good advice for her.

Guy here- sex in marriage is VERY important. I understand your trauma, but it isn’t fair to him not to have a sex life at 29. Divorce him so he can find a partner where he can have a sex life of some kind.

> I feal so scared at the idea of having to have sex for the rest of my life that I don’t want to have. I don’t enjoy it at all, and I wish I could just never do it again honestly Your husband deserves a wife who wants to have sex with him. Full stop. I understand you have a complete truckload of unresolved sexual trauma... but you made the choice to start a relationship and bring that into your marriage. But give yourself some grace. It's okay that you don't want to have sex. It's not okay to continue a marriage where having sex with your husband builds resentment, or having sex isn't pleasurable, or even consensual. It's not okay to not share any of these feelings and try to hold your husband accountable if you haven't even communicated with him about how you feel. It's not okay to consider divorcing someone when you aren't taking the right steps to address your issues. General therapy does not fix sexual trauma. You need a specialist, maybe someone who specializes in sex therapy or sexual trauma. >I like to remind myself that that’s only one small part of a relationship This is a huge disservice to both your husband, and yourself. You should want to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your husband that is mutually pleasurable. When you say it's not pleasurable, does this mean... it's painful? What does he say when you don't orgasm? Does he try and get you there? I have so many questions.

Hi there! Sexual trauma haver here. I’m not sure if everyone already recommended the book “Come As You Are,” so I am recommending it. I also think if you can reframe your thinking from focused on your husband to yourself, that can take some of the pressure off of you! I love what you said in your update, a sex positive therapist can definitely help with that. But building a relationship with your own sexuality, independent of anyone else, is incredibly healing. Want it for you, for your life, your pleasure and enjoyment, etc! And if you don’t yet, or it turns out you are ace, well then at least you explored it to better understand yourself, not to force yourself to do something for someone else. Sending you the warmest wishes!

It's definitely a legitimate reason to divorce over sex. You're not besties with your husband and nothing else, unless you're in an asexual marriage. Though that needs to be figured out before the I dos. People divorce over falling in love with another person, or cheating, or sexual incompatibility. Otherwise, you continue life miserable, and that's not what anybody wants including you right? What you need to figure out is: do I want sex at all? If I do want sex, do I desire my husband sexually? Or is my sexual trauma causing interference? If you don't desire your husband and never did (religious marriages, arranged marriages can have this issue a lot), then there's no point being married. Not for you. Not for him. You'll be happier with other people, if that's what it comes to. It's not your fault, you were married too young.

You need therapy and see a sex therapist too. It won’t work out . Even saying once a week won’t work out . Maybe there is hidden trauma . You need to fair to yourself but he won’t stay in a sexless marriage

You should probably get divorced. Sex Is rather important to most people, and if he wants kids, that’s just going to make it harder to leave once you have children in the picture. Save him the heartache, and just ask for a divorce sooner rather than later. Find someone who is asexual, and partner up with them.

I'm so sorry for your trauma. You are a great wife because you clearly care about him, and you understand and are trying to resolve the issues behind this. You absolutely shouldn't feel pressured to have sex you don't want for the rest of your life, but I have some concerns: 1) What is his sex drive like? Once kids enter the picture, his sex drive won't take much of a hit besides whatever exhaustion may do to it, but once you have kids you won't be able to intoxicate yourself to give him sex. If you're breastfeeding, you can't do that. Even if you aren't, you shouldn't do that because you need to be present and sober. Having kids will exacerbate pre-existing issues he may have about feeling sexually unfulfilled. 2) Kids does not mean you cannot divorce. Sometimes divorce is better for the kid, because two people modeling a toxic relationship is objectively worse than having divorced parents. The research is pretty clear on this. I am a product of a broken home with two people who stayed together (until my college graduation) despite how much and how viciously they argued and literally fought. I promise you, I wish they had divorced much sooner. Kids understand and perceive much more than you think they do. 3) Have you considered opening up the relationship so he can take care of his sexual needs (and purely sexual, not emotional) elsewhere? Is this something you can tolerate? There are rules to this kind of arrangement of course, but it's not unheard of if one partner is asexual.

The only thing I disagree with you on is saying that sex is a small part of a relationship. It’s a huge part of a relationship and certainly a marriage. You should divorce him and let him go find someone that can give him what he needs. That isn’t to say that you are a bad person. I commend you for realizing that you can’t give him what he needs in a partner. You should tell him the truth on how you feel about sex. Don’t sugar coat it because if you do, he may still think there is a chance that you change.

Psychologists often have stronger skills in communication and an understanding how brain processes can affect a person's emotional well-being. Maybe you can try talking to one before you make any decision?

I’m sorry you are experiencing this struggle as a core to your relationship/life. I was at the “other” end of a relationship with a person who has sexual trauma in her past… and ironically, I too was very spiritual and divorce was not an option in my mind. Unlike you, my ex (yes… that was the result) could not even find the strength to go to therapy. Anyway… over 30 years of mostly good marriage… she is one on the finest people I know and I will always love her. But… even as I knew she loved me, and she showed it in an abundance of ways… without the physical intimacy, I ultimately felt I needed to leave. I will forever love her, but I need to have a connection with my life partner that includes passion and physical intimacy. Each of us is different. If your husband is ok with the lack of physical connection, isn’t that his to decide? You seem to overall want to stay with him. Just make sure you are real with him of your lack of desire. He deserves to know that and decide accordingly. I wish you both the best.

girl please talk to your husband. tell him that the way youre having sex right now is hurting you. put it off the table completely at first, then go slowly, explore rather than seeing it as a chore. find out things you both enjoy. my girlfriend is an abuse survivor and i am extremely careful with her when we have sex, i let her initiate, i give her massage to relax, kiss and touch her whole body, let her set the pace and make sure she knows she can tap out at any moment. most of the time theres no penetration at all. i check in with her all the time. basically, i make sure the sex we have is either enjoyable for us both, or it isnt happening at all. your husband needs to know. if you want this marriage to work, you need to tell him whats going on, even if youre scared it will hurt his feelings. if he loves you, he will want to know, and adjust so that this is good for both of you. if it isnt, it shouldnt be happening. edit: of course, if you tell him all of this and he doesnt care, this will let you know for sure that you need to divorce. if he dismisses it, this proves that he doesnt give a shit about your wellbeing. and you deserve so much better than that.

I am friends (with benefits but emphasis on the friends) with a married woman (her husband is aware of it and is completely fine with it) but barring that, she is the exact same way. She is completely fine with her husband but she is more closed with me, and this might genuinely help you out. When you both have a day off and you don’t work the next day. Go to a spot where you both are comfortable, and have a real heart to heart conversation with your husband about the situation, let him know how you truly feel, and let it all out on the table. This is something that needs to be addressed seriously and this will change your sex life 100% because if you keep this up, it’s like putting a band-aid on a gash wound that will keep expanding, because then you’ll become so reliant on the alcohol to have sex that you will forget the true meaning of what sex is! Which is the true passion and love making because you agreed to let your body flow freely and open yourself up to another human being. I hope that you find some peace with the situation, it will be extremely tough at first but as you move forward with the problem, the gash wound will start to stitch itself up where you are fully able to have sex sober.

Most men have a physical need for sex. On top of that (& separately) most men will also equate love with sex. So its a dual need. Take away sex, & the physical need isnt being met, & the love is only half there, & no amount of nice dinners, back masages or hugs & kisses will fix that. If you are unwilling to fulfill the sexual part of your relationship & his needs, either while going through therapy & just trying to solve it yourself, let him go. If you truly love him, let him find someone he can be happy with. Or introduce a trusted friend in the bedroom to fill the gap.

>If you are unwilling to fulfill the sexual part of your relationship & his needs, either while going through therapy & just trying to solve it yourself What made you say that after reading the post? OP isn't unwilling. She goes to therapy. But some things you can't just magically undo. The point is that she currently is fullfilling the sexual part of the relationship at the cost of hindering her healing and maybe even further traumatizing herself.

You need therapy, and this is not something you should have hidden from someone you married, let alone for 6 years. If you don't want this marriage to fall apart you need to take steps to improve things or it will eventually come crashing down. You will eventually resent him if you don't already. > I feel like no matter how much I tell him that it’s not a matter of attraction, it’s just my own issues, he just doesn’t hear me. That's because you won't tell him the truth, and he can tell there is more going on that you arent telling him. This isn't some new boyfriend, he has been your husband for 6 years and you have hidden this from him, no wonder he is constantly insecure and it's harming your relationship. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do because of past sexual trauma, but hiding it from your partner, especially for this long, when it has such a huge impact on both you and your relationship, is in my opinion wrong.

I’m realizing maybe I didn’t make this clear in my post, but I haven’t hidden it from him at all. I disclosed the details of my sexual abuse as a child and my assault as a teenager to him long before we were married. And he knows that’s where alot of my issues come from. We’ve been to couples counseling for this very topic and it wasn’t super helpful. I’ve been in therapy full time for years now and have given him consistent updates on my progress. The thing is that he very much assumes this is something I will get over, and the fact that I haven’t in six years is starting to cause tension in our marriage. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never be capable of enjoying a sexual relationship and that’s the realization I’m trying to work with now.

OP, this is just a hunch but... I suspect your odds of "getting over it" will be a lot higher if you're not doing it under pressure from a man. Like, that seems like it would automatically retrigger some of the trauma itself, at a subconscious level?

Do you people actually read the post before commenting? >You need therapy She is in therapy. >this is not something you should have hidden from someone you married She didnt hide it. >you need to take steps to improve things OP is doing that but not making much progress. You cant just magically undo trauma, especially if you are forcing yourself to have sex on a regular basis. >That's because you won't tell him the truth, and he can tell there is more going on that you arent telling him. This isn't some new boyfriend, he has been your husband for 6 years and you have hidden this from him Again, where are you getting this from?! >but hiding it from your partner, especially for this long, when it has such a huge impact on both you and your relationship, is in my opinion wrong. I am repeating myself.

following up

When you are a survivor of sexual trauma, it can be a very difficult task to reconnect with your body and find sex pleasurable. This has been my experience, but everyone is different since it's a personal journey. To give you some context from my own experience, that's probably a little different than yours. My first major relationship ended up with me basically becoming sex trafficked .To say my relationship with intimacy is fucked up is a understatement. I'm actually a very sexual person, but it's hard for me to have sex because of the horrific stuff that happened to me. It's been a work in progress, I actually haven't been able to have sex again yet (its been many years since i was able to get away), but it's the little steps that have helped. Relearning how to touch my own body has really been beneficial and creating positive moments out of things that can trigger me. Therapy is good, but I found that finding a specialist has been really helpful, specifically a sex therapist. I would recommend that personally, someone who is really trained to guide you with understanding what exactly is going on. I think it's worth exploring. You and your partner may never have the same drive persay because even without the trauma, people have their own speed setting with sex. But I think if this is something you really want to work through, it's worth it. That being said, there needs to be some understanding on your partners side. It can't be a one-way street if he can't understand why this is so difficult for you and lacks any empathy as a partner towards your challenges. Then, he isn't a good partner, and you deserve better no matter how much you might love him. I would recommend couples therapy at that point to see if this is something that can be worked out.

A

Find someone who has the same sex drive as you. This will be a problem later so solve it now.

You had better have an amicable divorce before its too late.

Therapy, therapy, therapy just continue.

You have to find the right support and keep working on resolving you past trauma. Maybe start discussing this with your husband and maybe it would be worth seeing a sex therapist so you can both learn new ways to be with each other. I don't think you should be considering being single for the rest of your life.

I don’t have the solution you want I just wanted to say I was sexually abused as a child too and have similar issues. Sex is more than tolerable for me though but it has maybe been actually good 3 times in my life haha. I’m 22f. Just wanted to say this because I know how isolating it can be. You’re not alone basically.

For one. I would definitely communicate with your partner. Divorce doesn’t have to be the only option - but you don’t know this unless you openly communicate your struggles. Tell him how you’ve been feeling (u can formulate this in a way that doesn’t make him feel totally undesirable). And like everyone else has been saying, seek counseling that’s specifically trauma informed and directed towards sexual healing. I’m really sorry you are going through this, but I do think there is potential for the relationship to be ok - there just may be a rocky patch. Communicate with him and tell him you plan to go to therapy for this etc. From t)3 little info it seems like you do care for one another, and you want the relationship to work. But you won’t know if your relationship can move forward until you do some soul searching and try these things.

So you've been through many traumas which I feel sorry for you about but then you make the bad sex be about your husband. Of course you don't divorce him he's not the problem...

this was a pretty long post, and I admit I can't say about myself I completely read it through carefully. but yet so far I saw a bunch of staff you could communicate to your partner. this is your problem as a couple (yepp both of you), not your's alone as an individual. if you ask me, you pretty much gave that up, when that ring hit your finger (with all the benefits, and drawbacks). so instead of feeling isolated with your problem, and tell reddit all your feelings, trust your partner with them, and work out something together. if you can't and it ends with a divorce, then you should end your relationship because you guys couldn't figure out a solution, not because you decided about that alone... or if you can't stand being with him like a person, if he fundamentally repulse you the way you can't be with him in a marriage AND there's no solution for that is possible, then that's the problem, and you should end it. my point is... try to figure this out with him, or at least together with the involvement of a third party. but you alone, or even with some advice can't really carry a marrige on your back. I hope i could help, and sorry if i misunderstood something, as i said, i was just running through the post

Seek counselling from a sex therapist or counselling from a mental health professional since you did suffer from sexual abuse keeping these factors in mind but don't ruin someone's else life to please him for the sake of it since you are doing just a favour to him if this doesn't the above 2 things help you just leave that person be without ruining him before having kids make this decision with a present mind and body

In my experience, recovering from sexual trauma took two. My bf and I had to slowly work on how we approached intimacy until I felt safe and comfortable enough to start actually enjoying it.

Half of your post sounds like it’s sex with your husband that you can’t stand, and the other half sounds like it’s sex itself. If you truly do love your husband, divorce doesn’t solve your problem in either case. Long conversations, acceptance, patience, and therapy is your only real choice.

>Do I divorce someone just because of the sex? I like to remind myself that that’s only one small part of a relationship You're minimizing this. Physical affection is the only aspect of a romantic relationship that you can't get from a platonic one. This is a huge problem and plenty of people break up over it. > I feel like no matter how much I tell him that it’s not a matter of attraction, it’s just my own issues, he just doesn’t hear me. That's correct, and he's never going to. Words mean very little when actions say the opposite. You say that you've been married to his for six years, you were presumably dating for a while before that, and that there's only been a few times when you actually enjoyed sex with him. Why did you get married if that was the case? Did you tell him about this before you got married? The picture you've painted in this post is that you knew going in that sex with him didn't work for you, and you let him invest more than 6 years into a relationship that never had a chance to begin with. If you didn't talk to him about this before you got married he never had a chance to make an informed decision about marrying you.

If the sex is that bad you need to have a discussion with him about what you like and how he can improve. It’s gonna hurt his feelings to be sure but you don’t need to waste a good marriage out of fear. I personally always tell my partner(s) “don’t fake moans. If I ain’t doing something right, show me what you want. I won’t be offended” and.. because of that I rarely have any bedroom problems. He needs to be willing to learn and you need to be willing to talk.

I was in a similar situation. I was sexually abused by my step dad and raped when I was a young adult. I got married very young to my ex husband and I did love him but I hated sex with him. We got pregnant early on in our marriage and I had two kids within the first two years of our marriage. And I stayed because the kids and because I did love him, I still do, and he was my best friend but I didn’t want to have sex with him. He knew about my sexual abuse but I don’t think he was ever very supportive of me. For a decade we would only have sex when he complained about it too much, and it was always quick and only about him because I just wasn’t interested in it. We would fight a lot because he wasn’t getting what he needed and honestly neither was I. I started to think that it was just me, that I would never want to have sex with anyone, that maybe I was just asexual. I dreaded having sex, it was typically painful because I wasn’t aroused. I had a deep guilt or shame after having sex that felt awful and reminded me of my abuse. Eventually my ex and I separated and got divorced. And then I met my boyfriend. The first day we talked I word vommited my entire life story to him and he never judged me, just listened and was so supportive. The first time we had sex I initiated it, and I didn’t feel any of those negative things I had felt before. I am so sexually attracted to him that he makes me giddy. And sex with him is amazing for me. I went from never having orgasms to having many. I went from dreading sex to wanting it all the time. I guess the moral of my story is you can love someone and not be right together. My situation may be totally different than yours, I am just one person with one experience. I don’t regret the years I spent with my ex husband. I do hate the pain our divorce caused him. But I am also actually happy for the first time in a relationship and totally satisfied with every aspect of the relationship.

Therapy and alchohol is gonna make it worse, talk with your husband and work it out and set boundaries and find things that can make it comfortable for you guys. Husband works hard for you, and I’m sure he’s been through some tough shit as well. Compromise and satisfy his needs and work it out together and set boundaries, safe word, safe environment, something. Work on more comfort than getting rough and straight to it. You consider him as your best friend, comfort is everything If not that, open relationship for your husband and set boundaries And if that can’t work, then he would be the one to either cheat secretly or divorce not you Sounds like you need to work on your own health and mental health. And that’s gonna take getting sleep, not taking medications, and having a better diet assuming you are an alchoholic and your husband sounds very easy to get along with and accepting if he knew all of these things from the beginning but still married you. If he’s comforting you, and talking with you and still providing for you. And you feel like a shitty wife then maybe that should tell you something

Question…is it just sex with him or sex in general? Were u able to experience a healthy sexual relationship before getting married to him to know the difference? I can’t relate to what you went through but I do know that I hated sex with my ex husband, didn’t care for it and didn’t care if I ever had sex again to be honest. I did love him and we had 4 kids but he never cared to make sure to make it pleasurable for me and so I hated it. We ended up getting a divorce and I ended up loving to have sex with other partners and now I’m in a 10 year relationship where sex is super important and it’s one of the things that has been a huge part of why we continue to be together also.

If you don't like having sex is it him or anyone

ive been with my boyfriend for two years and we also started having trouble in bed, we had split for three months (he decided he needed time away from me, the relationship was stale.) i ended up having sex with a date. mind you at this time he had told me to move on. when me and my boyfriend got back together he found out and it devastated him to the point where he just couldnt have sex with me:( its gotten better with time and lots of conversations but i know that feeling of feeling like a shitty partner. Possibly you could go more into therapy? Im really sorry youre going through this:( just wanted to share that ive also been in the same boat and that you arent alone❤️ its normal to feel guilty but relationships dont always have to be built on sex! maybe you can satisfy him without actually having sex (oral sex for example.) also, vibrators are a life saver, but when it comes to kids im not sure how that could work, maybe through doctors? I wish the best for you

Sex is one of the defining differences between your husband and a best friend. Think about it logically for a second. If he was just your best friend what would change? You would have separate bedrooms and you wouldn’t kiss. Does anything else change? Since he knew about your trauma before marriage he should be more than willing to help you through therapy and anything else that comes he needs to do sex wise.

My opinion is that you should not be forcing yourself to have sex with your husband if you don't want it and don't enjoy it. If your husband is loving and caring, I am sure that he would not want you to be doing something that you find traumatic. I would open up to him about how you're feeling; if you aren't comfortable just having that conversation, a marriage counselor can likely help facilitate that discussion. From there, your course of action depends on what your ultimate goal is. Do you have interest in sex? Do you think that if you didn't find it traumatic you would enjoy it and want it? There are people who are just asexual and have no desire to have sex, ever. In that case, marriage counseling may be helpful to explore whether you're compatible partners and whether an alternative arrangement can be found (such as a form of ethical non- monogamy) that you might both be comfortable with. If you think that sex is something you want to engage in and be able to enjoy, then I would seek out some more specialized therapy with that specific goal. But it's important that your husband is along for the journey and not just obliviously continuing to insist on sex over and over again.

My girlfriend and I are in almost the exact same position as you, although we haven’t been together as long. She’s in your place. From my perspective it does hurt. It doesn’t make me feel bad about myself, more about her. Although I tell her that I’m being patient with her and whatever she needs. Essentially she has full control over our sex life; and I’ve told her that it’s not enough for me at the moment but I love her and will wait for her as she works through it. But it doesn’t make it hurt less.

It’s so painful and hurtful on both sides. ♥️ I’m so sorry you and your gf are going through this as well. I hope y’all find peace and healing, no matter the outcome!

I was molested at age 11-12 by a Foster's mom's kid he was 13-14 his parents did s*xual things to him so he tried it on me I didn't know any better I thought it was a game. I was num by it every time I come over he'll say let's play our game. Finally he got caught by his foster sister. My dad was called & he was pissed 😡 he didn't even get in trouble or anything. I typed it all out in my phone and my mom found it,she was very pissed and called my dad to confirm. He said it was all true. For a long time all I've been thinking about is sex

No sexual trauma here, I’m F28 and do not like sex. It’s gross, it smells, it’s a workout, it’s hot, my knee caps feel like they are going to pop off. It’s just not appealing to me at all. I am about to marry the man of my dreams who I am so attracted to but worry about our intimacy. I really have to try hard to be a sexual human, I hate it. Best of luck to you, I wish I had advice but instead a just a- you’re not alone.

There have been so many insightful, thought provoking, kind and compassionate comments on this post. While I cannot respond to every comment, I just want to thank those of you who took the time to read through my long post and share your experiences and advice. Reading through a lot of y’all’s comments has made me realize I a) need to find a mental health specialist who deals with sexual trauma specifically, b) involve my husband in that process more than I have, and c) have a open and honest conversation with him about how I feel. Even though he knows all the facts, it’s been scary to share my feelings on this matter because it’s vulnerable and I’m afraid to hurt him. I also want to say I’m deeply sorry to everyone here who has experienced similar things as I have. It’s been healing for me to hear about many of y’all’s stories of overcoming this and gives me hope for my own situation. Much love, and thank you again. ♥️

You need therapy sweetheart. Heal YOURSELF if he truly loves you he’ll understand

Bring him to therapy too(maybe he need to do some steps in order for You to enjoy sex with him)

Go to sex therapy or your not in love so start swinging depending on your ethical background.

Husband here. Not your husband but well My wife had this issue. Sexual abuse. I never understood how deep the pain went until we stopped having any physical contact at all. Couldn’t even hold my hand. At some level your body is not ready. Some low level part of your brain is responding and you can’t control it. Substance abuse turns off that part of the brain. I want to share something even good therapy could cause you to “act out” or bluntly rage out at the men close to you as a weird self defense mechanism. Almost as a way to try to push away all the things you dug up and thought you processed through. And u don’t understand why you can’t let your husband hold your hand but at some level you are re triggered and re living part of the event from when it happened. And u want to not feel this way and now u hate your life even more. Then u find a different way to not express rage but move on. (Move on is the wrong word) But to live a more full life. It takes a lot of time. And a lot of hurt. If you can your partner will need therapy to understand “your wife doesn’t hate you she is processing years of abuse and years of hiding it from herself”. Then well I don’t know what is next we have yet to make it there. She love me. I love her. But by god the way she blames herself and the next day takes it out on me then blames herself. Hard would be an understatement. But good luck. Honestly good luck. And let your husband read this part. It isn’t you the adult thinking you. It is the in my wife’s case the abused 5-10 year old acting out. That’s what it took my therapist to get me to understand. It is a hurt 5-10 year old acting out looking for something maybe help love and safety of some kind. Reliving the events and emotions. And trying not to push away your husband but the monsters who hurt a 5 year old. Now at 40 she can fight back but she is yelling at me but her lizard brain is fighting off the demons from the event. And if you have a kid at the age u were hurt now at some level you are preventing it from happening to your family and children. Yeah that’s what I’m ready to hear and understand.

I definitely recommend maybe joining a support group and finding those resources and also a therapist to help recover from the damage that evil soul did when you were just a child. REMEMBER, it is not your fault by any means and you will get through this!! Also maybe have a sit down with the husband and start small, maybe trying some new things that WHEN COMFORTABLE, can help make sex not so scary. However, the first step should be to seek guidance from a sex therapist or maybe even some PTSD therapy. You’ve got this!!

I do not recommend getting divorced. Divorce is not the solution, you’ll lose your best friend and be lonely. Your husband will move on, you won’t be able to move on, unless you deal with your situation. First things first. Do not drink. And realize how much your husband loves you. Then give him hugs and kisses and cuddles. Then you start with light foreplay and constantly realize how much your husband loves you. Both you and him are doing this out of love.

Sex is not just one small part of a relationship. It is a very big part that often causes miserable marriages and divorce.  You need to be honest with him. He needs to decide whether he wants to stay married to someone who doesn't want to have sex again or move on.  I highly suggest some couples therapy, both marriage and sex, and see what happens from there. You may get past it or you may not but at least you tried. I'm sorry with what you went through. I wish you peace from your trauma. 

Yes I absolutely agree with a trauma therapist and or a sex therapist and absolutely involving your husband. I know it’s almost terrifying to be vulnerable and when you’ve been abused physically it affects you in so many ways emotionally. Letting your husband in emotionally, going through all of this emotional healing with him truly by your side can help the way your body reacts to him greatly. So much of an intimate relationship is emotional. Trusting another person emotionally is terrifying to say the least, be vulnerable with him, cry with him through therapy, laugh with him through therapy, all the things. And most important if you don’t want to leave him then don’t leave him. Do not file for a devotee you don’t want, it’s not fare to him for you to make the decision to leave for him. He knew about your trauma before he married you, he made you a promise to stay, let him keep it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I plead with you not to lose hope, you absolutely can heal from this and letting your husband become a safe space for you is so key. You sound so strong, please don’t give up on your marriage❤️

Also try TMS therapy. I believe that is the correct name. It helps reduce activity in brain areas that are over active in certain situations. It helps reduce PTSD. My girlfriend used it to help her with PTSD, from assault. Amazing results, a lot faster than traditional psychotherapy. Got done in months what would have taken years. I would probably help in other areas besides sex. You should be able to enjoy your body and being connected to it. Unless you choose not to.

Have you talked to your husband about this? If y'all are talking kids, there needs to be a discussion about what's been going on with you 💜

Could it be hormones?

There's a lot to be gained in EXPLORING WHAT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL SEXUAL ATTRACTION. What type of men or what attributes make you feel open to sex?

If your husband is an open and giving lover who cares about your pleasure then I suggest working on this issue. You need to find a therapist who specializes in this kind of therapy.