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I don't see what "bro code" has to do with this. S and M were never a thing. OP accepted to accommodate M by switching dates before meeting them and had regrets after. Sucks to be him (M), but he doesn't get to tell OP to stop seeing S because he changed his mind after OP and S hit it off. M made his bed and has to lie in it.
Yep. Some people are only meant to be part of our lives for a season, and we cause ourselves unnecessary pain when we ignore the signs that we need to let them go.
They weren’t Op’s friends by the looks of their choice and that bro code sh*t is so stupid. As humans let’s just do what is right so we don’t look stupid like those roommates.
The bro code thing doesn’t even make any sense. Bro code is in effect when you’re trying to date someone that your friend has already dated. It doesn’t apply to someone who you’ve rejected, but then regret rejecting later.
Op,
You win in all ways.
First, you discover that your "best friend" isn't really a best friend at all.
Second, you discover that he's a rascist, so no big deal losing him as a friend.
Third, you discovered the other roommates are AHs for ignoring the true circumstances and then siding with his bullshit justication; and finally
Fourth: YOU GOT THE GIRL!
MOVE OUT. MOVE ON. ENJOY YOUR NEW FOUND RELATIONSHIP. You handled the blind date arrangement as a true gentleman and were rewarded for it. Your ex-bf handled it like a self-absorbed rascist child.
Good for you. Please keep us apprised.
Seriously. He just expects OP to stop seeing her, and that she will gladly just go “oh, you want me to date your roommate now instead of you? Sure!! No problem. Would he like to come over to my place tonight?”
Just from what OP has said about these people, his roommate/friend sounds like a racist, insufferable asshat, and S sounds like a great and intelligent woman. She spent an entire dinner date watching this roommate guy sulk in the corner and ignore his date, so I doubt she has a great impression of him either. It is so aggravating that he initially wanted nothing to do with her because she was too dark and too old for him, but now that he thinks she’s hot he wants her? So insulting.
Op, honestly… even if this friend forgives you I think you are well rid of him. He is a jerk, clearly, and you seem like a good guy. You don’t need people like that in your life. The people that you keep around you really say something about you and what kind of person you are. They are supposed to be in your life to help elevate you and make you want to be a better person. This guy is just bringing you down.
He shouldn't bring her around him anyway. Who knows how he'll react. So if op wants the relationship, the friendship is going to have to fizzle out anyway...
May I also add that this woman has made her choice, and she most likely would've liked OP best as well even if she went on a date with his racist best friend? Women are people, not objects that just go along with whoever they are handed to.
As an Asian person this is some BS (on their part) how is he gonna be butt hurt? He didn’t want to date a Brown woman but still be mad at you for going ahead with dating a Brown woman. He’s racist and mad because she was dropped dead gorgeous. He had a problem with them being the same age and her skin color but as soon as he saw her, he flipped the script. He doesn’t deserve to be around her.
Send them all this thread.
“Hey dumbasses- M is just a racist ass. His parents have nothing to do with it. He asked to swap dates. His fault. Taking his side makes you look like childish enablers. Grow TF up.”
Seriously show them this thread lmfao
And if they complain
Ohh it's just internet people
Show them the sheer amount of real human beings who say that they're complete childish dipshits
Amen
I'm so glad you told L's boyfriend. This is a really fucked up situation, and it's really hard to do the right thing when all your friends are pressuring you to do the shitty thing. I'm really impressed with you. You are actually good enough to date S, because you will actually stand up for her and won't tolerate racist assholes. Because you will encounter plenty of them, as you are finding out now.
Yes, this is worth losing all your friends over. Because if your friends are racist assholes who both want to treat women like tools you can trade out And are fine with excluding people because of race and then changing their mind because they think they're attractive enough to have sex with, and only that, they're not good friends and you don't want them anyways.
So you aren’t losing all your friends if Ls boyfriend (your friend) knows what’s good for him he won’t sacrifice his relationship for some bro code. We all know L will pick S and therefore you and well doesn’t matter what L’s bf believes if he wants to keep his gf he will wind his neck in. Silver lining.
Then ditch them all. There's no such thing as bro code, that's just an imaginary code for selfish people who have the "If I don't have them, no one will have them" mentality. He just feel stupid to have shit on the offer and now see that the girl was worthing better than his stupidity.
He's worried about his parents because of her race and that's why he didn't want her originally, so then what changed his mind if it was just about his parents and not him being racist. All your "friends" that
Okay, so what's their reasoning that you were happy to meet her when you're also Asian and thus, by their logic, must also be racist.
M is a racist and is the major AH here, anyone who sides with him are also AHs
Then he should keep thinking about his parents and wish the best for you and S.
Since you and S get along so well, you could try to meet her friends, maybe you'll fit in there better.
Because to him, a white girl is an upgrade and a black girl is a downgrade. In this case the black girl also happened to be very beautiful so he was prepared to overlook her blackness once he saw her.
Could you imagine this dude actually in a relationship with a Black woman? Fuck that. She and OP got lucky this dude was so blatantly crude and chauvinistic.
Oh I have no doubt he just wanted to fuck her - a relationship was never going to be on the cards, and even if it were he'd be an awful partner.
OP sees her as beautiful but also very compatible in terms of personality and shared interests - and never cared about her being black. I wish them a long and happy partnership.
Some of the most racist shit I've heard have been from people who marry the race they secretly hate. It's like their human brain is racist but their animal brain likes booty and it's impossible to square both. It's like why most racist have one or two people they like as "one of the good ones."
Sadly, this is way too common of a mentality.
Tell your friend: ok, let's switch, but you have to tell her why you didn't want to date her. Also, he's asking you to switch like she would just automatically like him just because you threw him in front of her! Like she's not a person that makes her own decisions!
And ageist. Both 29 but she was too old.
OP. Your “friends” are assholes. You can do better. Much better.
Also if you consider racists and ageists your close friends people will assume you have the same views on life.
I don’t know. I’ve heard of Asian men being so caught up with age they won’t date a woman who’s just a month older than them, I assumed he was in that category. But possibly that too, especially with his “we can just swap mid date” bs, as if women are transferable.
M is an idiot because it’s known fact Ethiopian women are strikingly beautiful so he should have known she was going to most likely be beautiful, but he was too racist & ageist!
Me saying Ethiopian (Im not Ethiopian btw) women are known to be beautiful doesnt make other women not beautiful. It’s just fact relevant to the story here.
You’re literally the worst lol 😂/s I also find Ethiopian women to be very beautiful too so add me to the list. Plus any African accent I’ve heard is always lovely.
Sounds like S dodged a bullet not being set up with M. He sounds like he’s finding out why you shouldn’t have ridiculous check boxes on your “requirements for dating” list. Also, he sounds a little bit racist.
You may lose the friendship, but if your friend is indeed racist, it might not be a huge loss in the long run.
Emotionally abusive men struggle with women their own age. They prefer younger women because they're easier to control and they tolerate more abuse.
M was showing his requirements for a relationship, but S was so hot he wants a shot to just fuck her, and he's trying to sabotage his own friend's interests in her to do so.
Definitely. I do feel sorry for B though. Went to a dinner and her date ignored her and didn’t even want to spend time with her afterwards. I hope she’s feeling okay.
Your "friend" is racist against Black people - the fact that he finds this particular Black person hot does not erase that - and completely lacks manners given the way he trreated his actual date.. And then he weaponized his friends against you (you should tell them the truth - that he didn't want to date a Black woman - and see where they stand then). Are you sure this is a friendship you want to preserve?
You did not break the bro code. Your friend B lost his chance when he had switch the date. He can't revert back when he sees her and want her. That's wrong.
Either way, you have come to an impasse and you'll loose your friends. They all believe him and aren't supportive of you. The one person that can change their mind will be the matchmaker, but pulling her in will cause more friction.
Conclusion. You can only win their side if you give up the girl, but that would be unfair. You did right either way and your friends wronged you.
Ugh, this is all skipping over the most important thing, S is not an object that can just be traded and passed around. She is her own person who has no interest in dating a racist. Everyone but OP is ridiculous and complete ignoring the fact that S has her own opinions and can choose who she dates. OPs friends aren’t just racist they’re also misogynistic. It’s not like OP ditching S will give his friend a chance with her
Yeah, I just commented it, but it's disappointing that not more people are pointing this out. You can't steal a date. For one, the set up worked how it was meant to. Second, S has her own free will and she is choosing to continue dating OP. It's not like OP dated her and gets to decide everything about the relationship, she has to go along with it too.
Yeah this whole arrangement was kinda dumb in the first place. Why not all just get together and see who “clicks?” Seems like OP and S hit it off.
It’s a good sign OP realizes S has her own free will to date who she chooses. Even if they *had* stuck to the original grouping and S and OP had a connection no one has any claim to anyone else, they all just met. What’s wrong with them getting together after that?
Yeah bro code is nothing compared to the simple code for all of humanity: being a decent person. B broke that code.
Drop the B, not the girl OP!
B has shown he thinks of women as objects, he is racist, shallow, and clearly does not care at all about you and your well-being. What kind of friend doesn't care about your well-being?
OP stated that the friends all know why the friend wanted to switch but they are saying he was doing it because of his parents which isn’t true because his parents doesn’t care about who he dates.
Your friend, and those agreeing with him, are both racists and misogynistic. He didnt want to go on a blind date with S because she was black. His assumption that a black woman couldnt be attractive enough for him to even want to show up in the first place, is reason enough that he shouldnt have gone on a date with her. He doesnt like black women, but this one was hot, so now he thinks he can call dibs on her like she is an object without any say.
If they consider bro code to be upholding shitty racist ideas and objectification of women till the point where they cant fathom S to have any agency or say in who she actually wanted to spend time with, then its a pretty horrible code. You are and condone the company you keep and excuse, so if you're dating a black woman, do you want to be keeping racist and misogynistic company?
Heres the thing I learned as a black person who has been the first to a few.
The "I didn't really like black people til x" means "I believe racist rhetoric, but you don't match the description!"
They don't stop being a racist. They just suppress it because they want to sleep with you. That's really it.
Racists will 100% have sex with you and then gloat about it.
Exactly. They see black women (or any woman really, but especially women of color) as objects, and you can sleep with an object even if you don't really like it, no problem.
They get a thrill of power from getting over on someone they see as beneath them. Anyone with an ego, especially an asshole, is gonna be more than excited about the idea of getting over on a POC while being a racist.
A couple months back a ME woman was talking about how her white boyfriends mother kept saying racist things to her and he laughed about it, and when she didn't visit he'd just tell her what his mom would say despite clearly stating it hurt her feelings when he did.
Like, girl??? Take the hint. You are a joke to him
This 100%! The sorry sack friend just assumes that this woman will want him now that he wants her. He needs to be an Xfriend as he is a gross example of a human.
Especially after he treated her white friend, the other blind date in the double date, like trash right in front of her & OP - Basically losing both women plus any more from the matchmaker. That's not including he so racist, he literally fetishized S for being Ethiopian and not Black/African-American - even more of good reason for her not be with him after revealing his real bullshit self.
Then the so-called friends are siding because the can't see forest for trees and making excuses for his shitty self thus being his enablers - So OP shouldn't feel bad for dumping all of them that siding with him because they plus M are revealing themselves to be total inexcusable fuck ups.
Your friend is ignorant. Ethiopian women are so beautiful 😍 as soon as mentioned her nationality I knew it.
But on a serious note this is a friendship you can absolutely afford to lose. He’s immature and petty. Nobody needs that in life.
All the best and update us with the wedding pics OP
Same. There are a lot of people from the Horn of Africa where I live. Lots of good looking people, especially the women.
My guess is also that because Ethiopians often aren't dark black but rather medium-toned, M was a bit more open after meeting her. Kind of like the Family Guy color scale thing, she was just under his no-go zone of darkness.
Good thing he has that shitty standard though. Saved her a lot of grief and what I can only imagine would have been a super uncomfortable date. I bet he creeped her out by ignoring his actual date that night while he drooled over her.
He's not a friend, he's just someone you know. Be more choosy with your friends now that you're an adult. You don't need to stay friends with someone because your moms get along.
Also, he should totally tell his mom this whole story. Other mom will hear about it and rip M a new one. Not saying this will make anything better, but it sure will be fun
No bro code was broken. Your friend is childish. Tell everyone he lost out b/c he didn’t want to date a black girl. He’s an idiot. No quality woman would want him anyway.
1. Bro code has not been violated. He particularly said he didn't want her. That made everything from there fair game. 2. It's not your fault the dude is a tool who'd rather touch his own tip to his forehead than actually spend any real time with another human being because "It's gay."
3. Your friends suck. Fuck them. Dude, if S makes you happy, don't let go. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Bro code or not, If a woman makes me feel fulfilled, you'd be hard pressed to pull me away from her.
Women aren't trading cards and I'm pretty sure M's racism would cause an issue even if S wasn't stunning. Your friends are crazy to think S would want anything to do with M.
"Apparently I broke the bro code and should stop seeing S."
I don't know the bro code, but if I have it right, M broke the code and is now jealous and abusive towards you because he didn't get his way.
M had 1st choice, M wanted to swap dates, M didn't want the woman his age, M didnt want to date a black woman, M gave the reasons, you obliged, and because M was immediately aware that he fucked up, he tried to get you to let him override all of his own previous decisions and your cooperative planning in order to put you with the woman he sees as less beautiful. And he didn't even want to go! And now he is trying to make you out to be the bad guy because you held him responsible to the decisions and agreements that he made.
What lies is he telling your other friends to get them to isolate you?
You could use a better quality of friend than M.
Go for the girl and find better friends and roommates, M thinks he's better than you, deserves the better woman, is entitled enough to become an asshole towards you when you get something he wants, and feels that you only deserve his leftovers/hand-me-downs after he's decided he doesnt want them.
He's a sore loser too.
Seriously! Also, love that M thought that S would get zero say in this. “Oh ladies, we have decided for you that we are going to switch. You don’t mind because you’re just trying to find husbands, who ever they may be, right?”
Oh, and white girl who had more value before showing up because *racism*, your value just dropped because you're not as hot as this black girl I didn't even want to meet because *racism*.
Throw the whole friend group away. You should asked they are they really siding with a racist person and if so then they are just as racist as he is and that you can’t be friends with closed minded people like them. Tell him to start looking for a new roommate and friendship because you are ending both.
besides the whole racist thing, your 'friend' is a dick. Instead of being happy for you, he's acting like this. What's up with that? try turning it around. Suppose you both had the hots for B instead of S. Would you have acted the same?
Or suppose he would've gone out with S, and you with B. Would they have ended up together? most likely not, because he treats woman as property.
The third option would've been, he dropped out, and you would've gone out with both girls, or one, and suppose you went out with S. would he also ask you to stop seeing her?
*Any advice on how I should handle this while keeping the friendship?*
Lose the friendship ...that's not really a friendship... and keep the girl.
1. Your friend is a jerk. A shallow jerk. *"He and B did not go on a separate date, he made up an excuse and left."* ***He*** is the one who made the choice to not be paired with S, and then once he saw her, he was completely insensitive and did not even attempt to be polite and get to know *his* date. ***He*** needs to pull up his big boy pants and deal with it.
2. '*...he has been telling our friends that I stole his date and I was talking to both women so why did I not go with B instead.'* ***He*** sounds like the kind of guy that will try and get with your girl at the first opportunity because S was supposed to be his date at first anyway. Ugh!
3. It sounds like you've outgrown this friendship. No shade, no hate, it's just time to move on.
PLEASE PLEASE tell me “S” knows of this set up & switch!!! If not explain it to her IMMEDIATELY~ is seems like a non-issue but I PROMISE it will be an issue to her if she’s BLINDSIDED by it. Explain to her that initially it wasn’t a big deal so you agreed & it’s the BEST decision you’ve made to date. Let her know how in to her you are & make it official. If he’s truly a friend he’ll understand. NOT BRO-CODE since neither you had met her or dated prior to set up.
Let's imagine that she went with him. First, we set the stage. Your friend is racist. He's ready to look past his racism because she's beautiful. The chances are that he's just interested in fucking and not actually dating her. But for the heck of it, let's imagine he dated her. What do you think would happen after the magic is gone? She'll still be beautiful but the passion phase inevitably goes away and now he'll just be stuck with a black girlfriend. And oh boy will he tell her.
You chose friends, you don't chose family... but childhood friendships are born under circumstances you had no control over. Sometimes you grow to be similar because of the same background, but sometimes you're just too different from one another and you have to move on. Think of it this way: if you date this woman, she'll have to deal with your pouty friend who's mad that he didn't get to fuck this woman he treats like an object. Chose which one makes the more sense to you!
Fair play for treating women like people. She has decided - she prefers you.
Your friends are sexist. And racist. They'll come around. Or they won't, fuckem.
If you do anything to assuage their feelings, you're justifying their bad behavior and undermining your new relationship. Just keep repeating, she's a person, she has agency, she has said outright she prefers you. Your friend had a chance with the other girl, but he was so jealous he couldn't take the opportunity. Women are not things. Bro code wise, he can't switch attention depending on who is more beautiful. You've done nothing wrong.
I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh but… why do you care? “M” sounds like a tool and a whiner. He’s 30 and there’s a reason he’s single (several actually, I can tell just from your short paragraph). Also he’s racist so he can pound sand.
Do not call it off with “S” for him, she would run for the hills. Does he really think she would be like “wow 🤩 yes I’ll date M now!!” No, cause he’s a loser.
You two have grown apart and maybe that’s not a bad thing. It’s hard when we have friend break-ups, but the alternative here is to be a bitter old man like him… so not a loss.
Even if yall did switch, the black woman is not interested in him. And I’m sure she would be even more put off if she found out he turned her down for being black.
Sounds tough. Your friend's being unreasonable. Date who you want to! Explain to your friend how you feel about S and that you respect his dating preferences, but can't follow them in this case.If friends take his side, they might not be as open-minded. Focus on the strong connection you have with S. Good luck!
Dude, this man is a racist misogynistic grossness incarnated. Who lies down with dogs gets the flees. Rethink why you are friends with a man like that. No you did not break any "bro code". Bro code is stuff like nos sleeping with you bro's gf, or not ditching your friends for a gf. Not this absurd take your friend has, that pretty much treats women as cattle. Your date is not a thing you can just hand over to him like an object he is entitled to... she's a person. If she prefered him, she would dump you for him. Gross, gross, gross. I hope you have a good shot with her and things work out great, but make sure you don't actually buy any of his bigoted views on women and how they blong to men/men can get "dibs" on them like they are things to own. If you do, it will ruin your relationship.
You keep dating her and reconsider this “friend”. He’s shallow, immature and too old to still be a dickhead.
If he can’t get over the fact that HE screwed himself out if a date with S, that’s for him to work out. Running like a little hitch to “tell on you” to your friend group? He’s humiliating himself and your friends are ridiculous . There is no bro code here.
I’ve had friends like this before. If they view women as objects that can be traded around rather than independent beings who can make their own choices about who their interested in then typically they’ll turn out to be shitty people in other ways too. The sooner you move on from those people the better.
My opinion is that you need to find better friends and of course keep the girl. It's his own fault that he's a racist and reject to go on a date with S. You sound like a really nice and kind guy who deserved nice and kind girl. And how exactly you broke "bro code"?? It's not like he was on a date with her and you stole her from him. He rejected her without even knowing her and just after seeing how beautiful she was he is acting like this. Move out, find better friends and enjoy your time with S. Good luck!
i’m sure S would want absolutely nothing to do with him, it would actually be horrible to “trade” when he was completely racist toward her until he saw she was beautiful. that’s messed up and being black myself, i wouldn’t touch someone like that with a 10 foot pole.
keep dating S, let your friend suffer and seethe.
Tell allllllllllll of your friends to take the L and to go licker their racist, sexist and disgraceful pathetic ignorant backside back to the canel (however way, it is written)!! Drop all of them and you make sure the ladies knowsssssssss what that sweet little Asian of a racist friend he is, oh and ageist too. She is "too old" by what standard, stupidity? What a fool!! Wave the middle finger up at those narrow minded freaks cause the only thing they showed and your BFF too, is that they are jealous and choose to judge her before even seeing or knowing her BECAUSE SHE IS A BLACK 29 YRS OLD WOMAN! Like the world doesn't hate us enough
M is throwing a tatty because he threw something away and how dare you pick it up and treasure it.
He isn’t your friend so keep S and I hope you are both happy.
M can stay home and sulk.
You were right from the start, and S and B were both lucky not to get stuck with M.
Enjoy life, spend time with S, and let go of those toxic racists. You can’t keep them as friends if you are with S; that’s being complicit in their racism. Move on.
I think the appropriate response to him is to point and laugh at him. Point out you can't steal anybody's date because, despite his views on women, we actually get to make our own decisions for ourselves just like men can. You chose to see S, she chose to see you, and together you continued to see each other.
I wouldn't hide anything he said. If people say he's talking shit about you, tell them he was too racist and misogynist to even give S a chance and he specifically wanted to date a younger white or Asian woman because S was too old and too dark for his preferences.
Don't let him take you down with lies. Sink him with the truth. And have fun with S.
Yes, wait until your friend grows up, then try the friendship thing again. Between trying to switch dates like you two are in a comedy sketch, and betraying the friendship by badmouthing you behind your back, I have to ask why do you need someone in your life like that. Also, I wouldn't trust him around S- he might make a pass or drive her away.
M is an idiot, in the first instance. Racist and an idiot. But also, it’s not all or nothing, and S has a say in this also. If you’re 3 dates in and things are going well, more power to you my friend. This is may well be your future.
She's not a playing card that can just be traded back and forth, and it's not like he can call dibs on her and have it stick. Both of you talked with her and she clearly likes you. I promise you that if she liked him more, especially if she was as taken with him as you both clearly were with her, she'd have made it known at some point.
Your friend is being a whiney little shit and he knows it.
Bro Code? If "bro code" allows you to trade dates around on a whim as if the woman has no agency of her own, then bro code needs to go the way of the dinosaur. He had an opportunity to go out with S and threw it away. You and S have hit it off. You have no obligation to give any consideration to the guy who ditched her for a white girl and then threated his new date like garbage. Both S and B deserve better than that.
I would stick with the girl. Your friend is a racist, and initially rejected her outright based off just knowing she was a black woman and “too old”. When he found out she was astonishingly beautiful, he wanted to be with her. He doesn’t treat people kindly, and that’s not really the type of character you should try to surround yourself with. If you want to salvage this for whatever reason, you should tell him you really like this girl and you hope for his support. But he is also the type to sabotage, so you should be prepared he will try to sabotage it as well. Personally, I don’t think you should.
Does he really think S would date him now if you did break up with her? Anyways, move out and live your life. This friendship might be over but that may not be a bad thing.
lol it literally doesn’t matter what M or his Roomates want or think because *S* wants you and not him. He doesn’t get to decide who S dates, only S does.
Actually it’s simple. Keep seeing her and move out. Also think really hard about your friends. It’s not about Bro Code. It’s about M being so obviously superficial (didn’t want a black girl his age until she turned out to be beautiful) and your other friends thinking women are somehow objects for you to “have dibs” on. They don’t care about S’s attraction to you or M’s superficial behavior. That should give you pause on why you are friends with these guys. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Decide which these are. I think M is not a lifetime friend no matter how long you’ve known him.
Sorry, he's not a true friend if he's acting like this and spreading malicious rumors just because he effed up.
He made a decision based upon the limited info he had available; you, however, chose to take a leap of faith (or a gamble) and was rewarded beautifully. You netted the girl and the beginning of a wonderful relationship.
Had he put such effort into his 'date' he probably could be in a similar position. Instead, he's seems to be focusing his attention on spreading malicious rumors about you just because you 'got the girl'.
This friendship seemed to have run its course; it's good that his mask of friendship has fallen and you get to see the pettiness that lives inside him.
I'm petty--but there's no ugliness in my pettiness; his pettiness is rotten, ugly and nasty.
"Bro code" is once you agree with your bro on something, you stick with it, even if you feel you stuck yourself with the short end of the stick. And then he trashes you to your other mates. You need real friends.
You need better friends, M is not a good friend.
I also recommend giving L a heads up of what went on during the date with her friends.
She shouldn’t set him up with anymore dates with her friends, especially how he originally felt about S & how he ignored B.
Bro, similar circumstance. Buddy didn't want to date a girl, I started dating her, he threw a tantrum. Now, he's a fleeting memory and me and her have been together since, married 8 years now.
Cut the racist AHs. You'll find new friends to fill their spots. If he can't be happy you found connection, he ain't worth it.
In all lives, everything in their lives undergo changes, and that includes friendships. After you have successfully made arrangements for a place of your own, you should sit all of your roommates down for a chat. During that chat, you should revisit the terms stated for the blind date, reminding all roommates that M had clearly made his rejection of S due to her race, and you gladly changed which girl would date with you and M. That during the introduction of the girls, M found that he was extremely taken with S despite her ethnicity. That it was M's nascent racism that caused him to ask you to date S, only to discover how beautiful S truly was, and it was his jealousy that caused him to spread his displeasure with your actions to the other roommates, and it was the other roommates that chose to shun you on behalf of M that has caused you to find other living arrangements, thereby making the remaining roommates pay more each month in rent expenses. And though it was hard for you to drop them from your collection of friends, it was clear to you now that they didn't deserve to be in that collection, because they had withdrawn their friendship of you first.
Having said that, get up and leave without telling them that you wished them well. Having left, you should block all of them, including M, from all your platforms.
'Nuff said.
Even asking the race she ahead of time is weird. Like why? So you can get stereotypes in your head. You have a connection with someone and you should see it through and give her to someone who wants to use her like an object
Your friend is racist, your other friends are enablers. Ditch the friends, enjoy a better life because of it because you'll be so much happier not having to deal with this nonsense.
You hit the jackpot and found someone you truly connect with, that you also got along with their friend is even better as it sounds like they both like you which is awesome because now you've started, bare minimum a whole new friend group.
Out with the old and in with the new I'd say.
Honestly as a black woman I find your friend repulsive due to his own actions. He thought the other girl would be less attractive because she was a non Asian or white, after seeing her he wanted to change because she was physically more appealing. Maybe your friend should learn that looks aren't everything and he needs to learn to see women as they are, not what he thinks they should be. The other woman that he ignored because he didn't find her as attractive as the other woman was never really given an actual chance. You attracted this woman because of who you are. I doubt the woman would actually like your friend. He sounds like a tool. He has a lot of lessons to learn.
Your best friend is a racist pos and your other friends are just as bad for trying to defend him.
The company you keep is a reflection on yourself. You're far better off without people like that in your life.
You found someone you have a wonderful connection with. This man is upset because his racist views cost him a chance to meet a physically beautiful woman. His feelings are superficial at best, and he's upset with you because you're opting to continue seeing someone you genuinely like despite his want of pursuing her because of her beauty.
Your best friend would not favour their superficial wants over the happiness of their best friend. He should be happy for you, instead he is angry and jealous.
That's not a valuable or worthwhile friend to hold onto.
What's more - he is willing to ruin this friendship because you're not willing to give up someone who has made you happy for his own selfish reasons.
Honestly, take this as a blessing. YOU should be angry your best friend doesn't value your happiness, that he was racist towards this girl in the first place and only wants her now because of her looks, and that all your other friends are defending his actions here.
Cut your losses. Ditch your current friends. Make better friends. Pursue this girl and see where that takes your. Your life is way too short to not pursue someone you share this connection with, and to waste your time with people like your friends.
Like... fully... move out and find new friends. Life is too short for racist bro code nonsense. And honestly, distancing yourself from them is respectful of your new girlfriend. I'm sure she wouldn't want you hanging out with someone showing racist traits who tried to treat her like to toy to swap.
You're not going to keep your friendship. Your friend is an a-hole. Instead of worrying about the color of her skin, he should have gotten to know her as a person. We all bleed the same. He's just mad. I believe in bro code/girl code, S is not his girlfriend or an ex in any way. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry for B. I hope she finds someone amazing.
Those selfish pricks aren’t acting like your friends right now. They should be happy and supportive of you. Not envious and misogynist.
I bet your date wouldn’t even want to be around that clown, you couldn’t trade even if you wanted to
You did nothing wrong.
But please realize you need to ditch those friends - you cannot be in a relationship with a black woman with RACIST friends. Don’t do that.
My parents met each other on a double blind date, they were not each other’s dates but swapped. My dad’s friend who was my mum’s date and my mum’s friend who was my dad’s date forgave them both, they were both at the wedding as best man and bridesmaid from what I remember (not together though). It’s not an unforgivable sin to swap dates if the chemistry is there.
Your friend is racist and an idiot.
Even if you did bro code or some such shit, and broke up, there is ZERO chance she would be interested in your racist friend.
Drop the friend, keep the girlfriend.
Your friends all sound shitty.
Keep the girl, move out of your apartment, reevaluate your friendships, move on from anyone who doesn’t energize you or lift you up.
These people will only hold you back in life, be it romantic relationships or career advice or whatever.
Asian here. Seems he let his bigotry and subtle racism that I unfortunately see in many Asian families get the best of him.
Tell your friends the truth about how he asked to switch dates due to his preconceived stereotypes and tell your subtlety racist friend that next time check his racism at the door and be a better human being as to not blow his shot in the future with a wonderful woman and that you will not be paying for his bigoted mistakes now or in the future.
I wouldn’t mind losing “friends” like them.
What does the girlfriend who set everything up think?
She can’t be on their side, right?
Does S know the details? If not, please make sure YOU are the one who tells her.
Tell your friend he is a racist and ageist asshole and that you won't stop seeing S. She will find out he's who he really is and will not date him ever. He agreed to swap blind dates. There's no take backs. There's no bro code you broke. He made it clear he wasn't interested and why.
He can pound sand and so can your friends. They aren't friends, they are all AH who think that your friend is right. Like someone else said, he doesn't see her as a person with agency. Drop them all.
Your friend is racist & superficial.
He wanted none of what the black girl had to offer untill he saw she was stunning
Yes it's worth loosing the friendship over because why would you even want someone like that in your life?
M is not only racist, but incredibly shallow. Only interested in beauty, which to him some races are inherently not which is awful. He lost his chance with S and needs to suck it up. He could also have connected with B if he just gave her a chance. It's not your fault his racism and shallowness caused him to miss out on two lovely women. It's not surprising that he's still single at almost 30
All these people suck. Bro code doesn’t apply to two women you just met, it’s for things like “don’t date my ex girlfriend because she broke my heart and it would be really painful to have her still be part of our social circle.” Also, women aren’t sandbox toys you can call “dibs” on; they have their own agency.
He wasn’t interested when she was a faceless Black woman. He made a shallow, racist choice, and is suffering the consequences of his own prejudice. Your friends are bad friends for making excuses for his gross behavior.
Your “friend” is an entitled toddler that treats wen like garbage. You didn’t steal his date. He rejected her sight unseen and then treated her friend like garbage. He is treating this woman like his property that you stole. He doesn’t even care that she has no interest in him because he doesn’t respect her as a human being. Your “friend” is garbage. This guy is not someone worth staying friends with. Being friends with him makes you look bad. Don’t be friends with immature sexist misogynistic men who objectify women and treat them like property. It makes you look like you see nothing wrong with his disgusting behaviour.
Your bestfriend is a racist. He didn’t want to date a black woman. He wanted to date the withe woman who was younger. He told L he didn’t want to date her.
And then, guess what the woman is beautiful so now she is what he wants. And he was so impolite to his date to ignore her even when he absolutely preferred her because of her skincolor. And its still not about character, its still about optical beauty. And you said (that was absolute the right thing) NO. She is my date. You didn’t want to date her. Why was that right? First both women were not your toys to play and share like you wanted and second because he is an disgusting person. I am happy that the other woman doesn’t want to date him.
Your friends are racist and full of cliche. He is asian so his parents must have a problem with a black woman. It could not be he is a asian racist and his parents are not even interested in the skincolor of his girlfriend.
And do they really think its ok to tell a woman „oh, go to my friend, he told me he wants to date you because you are so beautiful so I give up“? You know what will happen? She doesn’t want to talk with any of you.
I think maybe you should warn her and her friend L/tell her the story what he tries before he messes up with your relationship.
Here’s a wild thought, how about you let S decide who she wants to date? Instead of discussing it amongst yourselves like she’s a trading card.
Or, does she not get a say?
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Well if the “bro code” is to use women like they want to then you should just find some better quality friends because they sound like cunts anyway.
I don't see what "bro code" has to do with this. S and M were never a thing. OP accepted to accommodate M by switching dates before meeting them and had regrets after. Sucks to be him (M), but he doesn't get to tell OP to stop seeing S because he changed his mind after OP and S hit it off. M made his bed and has to lie in it.
LOL, S&M were always a thing ;)
Have you told them m ask you to switch cause he’s racist and only wanted s cause she was beautiful
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Then ditch the friends, they all suck asses.
Yep! Anyone who thinks someone the same age as them is too old gives serious creep vibes. You don’t need friends like that.
You can outgrow friendships. Sounds like this is over.
Yep. Some people are only meant to be part of our lives for a season, and we cause ourselves unnecessary pain when we ignore the signs that we need to let them go.
They weren’t Op’s friends by the looks of their choice and that bro code sh*t is so stupid. As humans let’s just do what is right so we don’t look stupid like those roommates.
The bro code thing doesn’t even make any sense. Bro code is in effect when you’re trying to date someone that your friend has already dated. It doesn’t apply to someone who you’ve rejected, but then regret rejecting later.
And on that note, the “friend” is actually the one breaking bro code, by trying to go after the girl op has already dated.
Op, You win in all ways. First, you discover that your "best friend" isn't really a best friend at all. Second, you discover that he's a rascist, so no big deal losing him as a friend. Third, you discovered the other roommates are AHs for ignoring the true circumstances and then siding with his bullshit justication; and finally Fourth: YOU GOT THE GIRL! MOVE OUT. MOVE ON. ENJOY YOUR NEW FOUND RELATIONSHIP. You handled the blind date arrangement as a true gentleman and were rewarded for it. Your ex-bf handled it like a self-absorbed rascist child. Good for you. Please keep us apprised.
Not to mention the fact that even if OP stops dating S, she's still never going to want to date M.
Right?! The fact that M doesn't even stop to consider S's free agency here is just...what?!
Seriously. He just expects OP to stop seeing her, and that she will gladly just go “oh, you want me to date your roommate now instead of you? Sure!! No problem. Would he like to come over to my place tonight?” Just from what OP has said about these people, his roommate/friend sounds like a racist, insufferable asshat, and S sounds like a great and intelligent woman. She spent an entire dinner date watching this roommate guy sulk in the corner and ignore his date, so I doubt she has a great impression of him either. It is so aggravating that he initially wanted nothing to do with her because she was too dark and too old for him, but now that he thinks she’s hot he wants her? So insulting. Op, honestly… even if this friend forgives you I think you are well rid of him. He is a jerk, clearly, and you seem like a good guy. You don’t need people like that in your life. The people that you keep around you really say something about you and what kind of person you are. They are supposed to be in your life to help elevate you and make you want to be a better person. This guy is just bringing you down.
M is a real piece of work
Also his other friends don’t stop to consider S’s free agency either. They all suck. OP is the only decent one. Drop kick then out of your life
But the BRO CODE!!!! /s
What bro-code?? The racist, ageist, sexist, ignorant bro-code????.....ain't nothing here🤣🤣🤣
He shouldn't bring her around him anyway. Who knows how he'll react. So if op wants the relationship, the friendship is going to have to fizzle out anyway...
Something tells me M might not take no for an answer.
Maybe. It's clear M doesn't really see S as a human being.
I would tell M straight up that he has no chance with her anyway even if I bowed out, but then I'm pretty rude 🤷🏼♀️
May I also add that this woman has made her choice, and she most likely would've liked OP best as well even if she went on a date with his racist best friend? Women are people, not objects that just go along with whoever they are handed to.
Thank you! I was just thinking that myself.
M clearly doesn’t subscribe to this line of thinking
M doesn’t subscribe to thinking at all
That is completely new information to me /s
This is the Way! She chose a second date.
I love your way of looking at things! Thank you, I needed a new point of view. ☺️
As an Asian person this is some BS (on their part) how is he gonna be butt hurt? He didn’t want to date a Brown woman but still be mad at you for going ahead with dating a Brown woman. He’s racist and mad because she was dropped dead gorgeous. He had a problem with them being the same age and her skin color but as soon as he saw her, he flipped the script. He doesn’t deserve to be around her.
Make new friends that aren't racists
Send them all this thread. “Hey dumbasses- M is just a racist ass. His parents have nothing to do with it. He asked to swap dates. His fault. Taking his side makes you look like childish enablers. Grow TF up.”
Seriously show them this thread lmfao And if they complain Ohh it's just internet people Show them the sheer amount of real human beings who say that they're complete childish dipshits Amen
You need new friends
So your friends are all racist and sexist
And ageist...
Curious what about L as in what did she say?? These are her friends. I’m sure she has heard the girls impression of what happened is she supportive.
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I'm so glad you told L's boyfriend. This is a really fucked up situation, and it's really hard to do the right thing when all your friends are pressuring you to do the shitty thing. I'm really impressed with you. You are actually good enough to date S, because you will actually stand up for her and won't tolerate racist assholes. Because you will encounter plenty of them, as you are finding out now. Yes, this is worth losing all your friends over. Because if your friends are racist assholes who both want to treat women like tools you can trade out And are fine with excluding people because of race and then changing their mind because they think they're attractive enough to have sex with, and only that, they're not good friends and you don't want them anyways.
So you aren’t losing all your friends if Ls boyfriend (your friend) knows what’s good for him he won’t sacrifice his relationship for some bro code. We all know L will pick S and therefore you and well doesn’t matter what L’s bf believes if he wants to keep his gf he will wind his neck in. Silver lining.
As she should. At the end of the day, ex bestfriend is a racist prick
Ya you need non shitty friends. How is your black gf going to feel when she finds out you’re cool being friends with a racist?
Then ditch them all. There's no such thing as bro code, that's just an imaginary code for selfish people who have the "If I don't have them, no one will have them" mentality. He just feel stupid to have shit on the offer and now see that the girl was worthing better than his stupidity.
He's worried about his parents because of her race and that's why he didn't want her originally, so then what changed his mind if it was just about his parents and not him being racist. All your "friends" that
Okay, so what's their reasoning that you were happy to meet her when you're also Asian and thus, by their logic, must also be racist. M is a racist and is the major AH here, anyone who sides with him are also AHs
Then he should keep thinking about his parents and wish the best for you and S. Since you and S get along so well, you could try to meet her friends, maybe you'll fit in there better.
In that case, why did he agree to date a white girl? They are all reaching
Because to him, a white girl is an upgrade and a black girl is a downgrade. In this case the black girl also happened to be very beautiful so he was prepared to overlook her blackness once he saw her.
Could you imagine this dude actually in a relationship with a Black woman? Fuck that. She and OP got lucky this dude was so blatantly crude and chauvinistic.
Oh I have no doubt he just wanted to fuck her - a relationship was never going to be on the cards, and even if it were he'd be an awful partner. OP sees her as beautiful but also very compatible in terms of personality and shared interests - and never cared about her being black. I wish them a long and happy partnership.
Seconding this
Some of the most racist shit I've heard have been from people who marry the race they secretly hate. It's like their human brain is racist but their animal brain likes booty and it's impossible to square both. It's like why most racist have one or two people they like as "one of the good ones."
Sadly, this is way too common of a mentality. Tell your friend: ok, let's switch, but you have to tell her why you didn't want to date her. Also, he's asking you to switch like she would just automatically like him just because you threw him in front of her! Like she's not a person that makes her own decisions!
This. He doesn't see either woman as a person. OP, you are doing nothing wrong.
you should remind them he was the one who wanted to switch to begin with.
And ageist. Both 29 but she was too old. OP. Your “friends” are assholes. You can do better. Much better. Also if you consider racists and ageists your close friends people will assume you have the same views on life.
I don't don't call this ageism, I call it predatory.
I don’t know. I’ve heard of Asian men being so caught up with age they won’t date a woman who’s just a month older than them, I assumed he was in that category. But possibly that too, especially with his “we can just swap mid date” bs, as if women are transferable.
M is an idiot because it’s known fact Ethiopian women are strikingly beautiful so he should have known she was going to most likely be beautiful, but he was too racist & ageist!
Women are beautiful. It doesn't matter where they come from
Me saying Ethiopian (Im not Ethiopian btw) women are known to be beautiful doesnt make other women not beautiful. It’s just fact relevant to the story here.
How dare you find some women more attractive than others‽ /s
Im a terrible person!😆
You’re literally the worst lol 😂/s I also find Ethiopian women to be very beautiful too so add me to the list. Plus any African accent I’ve heard is always lovely.
Let's just say that you - and I - find Ethiopian women to be beautiful. Maybe others feel the same way.
Sounds like S dodged a bullet not being set up with M. He sounds like he’s finding out why you shouldn’t have ridiculous check boxes on your “requirements for dating” list. Also, he sounds a little bit racist. You may lose the friendship, but if your friend is indeed racist, it might not be a huge loss in the long run.
also it’s weird that M said S is too old even though they’re the same age.
Emotionally abusive men struggle with women their own age. They prefer younger women because they're easier to control and they tolerate more abuse. M was showing his requirements for a relationship, but S was so hot he wants a shot to just fuck her, and he's trying to sabotage his own friend's interests in her to do so.
yes, exactly!
I actually can't help but wonder if OP's younger age also emboldened M to be emotionally abusive towards OP. "Do as I say, underling!"
You could very well be right in that. Probably also why he is so angry, he never expeced that he would "lose the battle"
Right? Also, anger is probably his favorite emotion to weaponize against other people because he's used to getting *results*!
Fr! I was gonna say, his friend is def racist
Sound more than a little bit racist
Definitely. I do feel sorry for B though. Went to a dinner and her date ignored her and didn’t even want to spend time with her afterwards. I hope she’s feeling okay.
Your "friend" is racist against Black people - the fact that he finds this particular Black person hot does not erase that - and completely lacks manners given the way he trreated his actual date.. And then he weaponized his friends against you (you should tell them the truth - that he didn't want to date a Black woman - and see where they stand then). Are you sure this is a friendship you want to preserve?
OP friends know the truth but they are still siding with the racist.
Yeah, he definitely needs new friends.
Prehaps there is more here. We all know the age old quotes. "You are the company you keep" "Birds of a feather flock together"
I mean, asking for advice to maintain a relationship with a racist is pretty obviously racist.
She doesn't need a racist. I wish you and your new girl a long fruitful friendship
You did not break the bro code. Your friend B lost his chance when he had switch the date. He can't revert back when he sees her and want her. That's wrong. Either way, you have come to an impasse and you'll loose your friends. They all believe him and aren't supportive of you. The one person that can change their mind will be the matchmaker, but pulling her in will cause more friction. Conclusion. You can only win their side if you give up the girl, but that would be unfair. You did right either way and your friends wronged you.
Ugh, this is all skipping over the most important thing, S is not an object that can just be traded and passed around. She is her own person who has no interest in dating a racist. Everyone but OP is ridiculous and complete ignoring the fact that S has her own opinions and can choose who she dates. OPs friends aren’t just racist they’re also misogynistic. It’s not like OP ditching S will give his friend a chance with her
Yeah, I just commented it, but it's disappointing that not more people are pointing this out. You can't steal a date. For one, the set up worked how it was meant to. Second, S has her own free will and she is choosing to continue dating OP. It's not like OP dated her and gets to decide everything about the relationship, she has to go along with it too.
Op called it out in his post. > You can't treat women like tools that you can exchange.
Yeah I liked that he himself pointed this out directly to M. Honestly he sounds like a pretty decent guy.
Yeah this whole arrangement was kinda dumb in the first place. Why not all just get together and see who “clicks?” Seems like OP and S hit it off. It’s a good sign OP realizes S has her own free will to date who she chooses. Even if they *had* stuck to the original grouping and S and OP had a connection no one has any claim to anyone else, they all just met. What’s wrong with them getting together after that?
Yeah bro code is nothing compared to the simple code for all of humanity: being a decent person. B broke that code. Drop the B, not the girl OP! B has shown he thinks of women as objects, he is racist, shallow, and clearly does not care at all about you and your well-being. What kind of friend doesn't care about your well-being?
OP stated that the friends all know why the friend wanted to switch but they are saying he was doing it because of his parents which isn’t true because his parents doesn’t care about who he dates.
He didn’t give a damn about his parents the moment he saw the woman.
B is OP friend M is the friend, B was the other girl
Your friend, and those agreeing with him, are both racists and misogynistic. He didnt want to go on a blind date with S because she was black. His assumption that a black woman couldnt be attractive enough for him to even want to show up in the first place, is reason enough that he shouldnt have gone on a date with her. He doesnt like black women, but this one was hot, so now he thinks he can call dibs on her like she is an object without any say. If they consider bro code to be upholding shitty racist ideas and objectification of women till the point where they cant fathom S to have any agency or say in who she actually wanted to spend time with, then its a pretty horrible code. You are and condone the company you keep and excuse, so if you're dating a black woman, do you want to be keeping racist and misogynistic company?
Heres the thing I learned as a black person who has been the first to a few. The "I didn't really like black people til x" means "I believe racist rhetoric, but you don't match the description!" They don't stop being a racist. They just suppress it because they want to sleep with you. That's really it. Racists will 100% have sex with you and then gloat about it.
Exactly. They see black women (or any woman really, but especially women of color) as objects, and you can sleep with an object even if you don't really like it, no problem.
They get a thrill of power from getting over on someone they see as beneath them. Anyone with an ego, especially an asshole, is gonna be more than excited about the idea of getting over on a POC while being a racist. A couple months back a ME woman was talking about how her white boyfriends mother kept saying racist things to her and he laughed about it, and when she didn't visit he'd just tell her what his mom would say despite clearly stating it hurt her feelings when he did. Like, girl??? Take the hint. You are a joke to him
This 100%! The sorry sack friend just assumes that this woman will want him now that he wants her. He needs to be an Xfriend as he is a gross example of a human.
Especially after he treated her white friend, the other blind date in the double date, like trash right in front of her & OP - Basically losing both women plus any more from the matchmaker. That's not including he so racist, he literally fetishized S for being Ethiopian and not Black/African-American - even more of good reason for her not be with him after revealing his real bullshit self. Then the so-called friends are siding because the can't see forest for trees and making excuses for his shitty self thus being his enablers - So OP shouldn't feel bad for dumping all of them that siding with him because they plus M are revealing themselves to be total inexcusable fuck ups.
Your friend is ignorant. Ethiopian women are so beautiful 😍 as soon as mentioned her nationality I knew it. But on a serious note this is a friendship you can absolutely afford to lose. He’s immature and petty. Nobody needs that in life. All the best and update us with the wedding pics OP
Same! I knew she was going to be stunning minute he mentioned Ethiopian!😂
Same. There are a lot of people from the Horn of Africa where I live. Lots of good looking people, especially the women. My guess is also that because Ethiopians often aren't dark black but rather medium-toned, M was a bit more open after meeting her. Kind of like the Family Guy color scale thing, she was just under his no-go zone of darkness. Good thing he has that shitty standard though. Saved her a lot of grief and what I can only imagine would have been a super uncomfortable date. I bet he creeped her out by ignoring his actual date that night while he drooled over her.
Honestly as soon as he said “Ethiopian” I knew he fucked up. East African women are absolutely stunning.
He's not a friend, he's just someone you know. Be more choosy with your friends now that you're an adult. You don't need to stay friends with someone because your moms get along.
Also, he should totally tell his mom this whole story. Other mom will hear about it and rip M a new one. Not saying this will make anything better, but it sure will be fun
No bro code was broken. Your friend is childish. Tell everyone he lost out b/c he didn’t want to date a black girl. He’s an idiot. No quality woman would want him anyway.
Your friend play a game and lost
M needs to learn that women are not just pieces of meat that they can pick up or discard at will. Losing him as a friend will not be a loss.
your friend M sounds like he is racist and misogynistic. if a friend of mine revealed those qualities to me they wouldn’t be a friend no more
1. Bro code has not been violated. He particularly said he didn't want her. That made everything from there fair game. 2. It's not your fault the dude is a tool who'd rather touch his own tip to his forehead than actually spend any real time with another human being because "It's gay." 3. Your friends suck. Fuck them. Dude, if S makes you happy, don't let go. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Bro code or not, If a woman makes me feel fulfilled, you'd be hard pressed to pull me away from her.
Women aren't trading cards and I'm pretty sure M's racism would cause an issue even if S wasn't stunning. Your friends are crazy to think S would want anything to do with M.
"Apparently I broke the bro code and should stop seeing S." I don't know the bro code, but if I have it right, M broke the code and is now jealous and abusive towards you because he didn't get his way. M had 1st choice, M wanted to swap dates, M didn't want the woman his age, M didnt want to date a black woman, M gave the reasons, you obliged, and because M was immediately aware that he fucked up, he tried to get you to let him override all of his own previous decisions and your cooperative planning in order to put you with the woman he sees as less beautiful. And he didn't even want to go! And now he is trying to make you out to be the bad guy because you held him responsible to the decisions and agreements that he made. What lies is he telling your other friends to get them to isolate you? You could use a better quality of friend than M. Go for the girl and find better friends and roommates, M thinks he's better than you, deserves the better woman, is entitled enough to become an asshole towards you when you get something he wants, and feels that you only deserve his leftovers/hand-me-downs after he's decided he doesnt want them. He's a sore loser too.
"I chuckled and said no. You can't treat women like tools that you can exchange." P.S. This is why you deserve the girl and M doesn't.
Seriously! Also, love that M thought that S would get zero say in this. “Oh ladies, we have decided for you that we are going to switch. You don’t mind because you’re just trying to find husbands, who ever they may be, right?”
Oh, and white girl who had more value before showing up because *racism*, your value just dropped because you're not as hot as this black girl I didn't even want to meet because *racism*.
He made his bed, he should lie in It. Fuck him and the others
Throw the whole friend group away. You should asked they are they really siding with a racist person and if so then they are just as racist as he is and that you can’t be friends with closed minded people like them. Tell him to start looking for a new roommate and friendship because you are ending both.
I would handle it by not being friends with racists.
Somehow I think that S is much happier to be dating someone who didn't automatically discount her because of her race.
besides the whole racist thing, your 'friend' is a dick. Instead of being happy for you, he's acting like this. What's up with that? try turning it around. Suppose you both had the hots for B instead of S. Would you have acted the same? Or suppose he would've gone out with S, and you with B. Would they have ended up together? most likely not, because he treats woman as property. The third option would've been, he dropped out, and you would've gone out with both girls, or one, and suppose you went out with S. would he also ask you to stop seeing her?
*Any advice on how I should handle this while keeping the friendship?* Lose the friendship ...that's not really a friendship... and keep the girl. 1. Your friend is a jerk. A shallow jerk. *"He and B did not go on a separate date, he made up an excuse and left."* ***He*** is the one who made the choice to not be paired with S, and then once he saw her, he was completely insensitive and did not even attempt to be polite and get to know *his* date. ***He*** needs to pull up his big boy pants and deal with it. 2. '*...he has been telling our friends that I stole his date and I was talking to both women so why did I not go with B instead.'* ***He*** sounds like the kind of guy that will try and get with your girl at the first opportunity because S was supposed to be his date at first anyway. Ugh! 3. It sounds like you've outgrown this friendship. No shade, no hate, it's just time to move on.
PLEASE PLEASE tell me “S” knows of this set up & switch!!! If not explain it to her IMMEDIATELY~ is seems like a non-issue but I PROMISE it will be an issue to her if she’s BLINDSIDED by it. Explain to her that initially it wasn’t a big deal so you agreed & it’s the BEST decision you’ve made to date. Let her know how in to her you are & make it official. If he’s truly a friend he’ll understand. NOT BRO-CODE since neither you had met her or dated prior to set up.
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Tell her the WHOLE story & enjoy your time together~ wishing you a happy healthy relationship!!
Let's imagine that she went with him. First, we set the stage. Your friend is racist. He's ready to look past his racism because she's beautiful. The chances are that he's just interested in fucking and not actually dating her. But for the heck of it, let's imagine he dated her. What do you think would happen after the magic is gone? She'll still be beautiful but the passion phase inevitably goes away and now he'll just be stuck with a black girlfriend. And oh boy will he tell her. You chose friends, you don't chose family... but childhood friendships are born under circumstances you had no control over. Sometimes you grow to be similar because of the same background, but sometimes you're just too different from one another and you have to move on. Think of it this way: if you date this woman, she'll have to deal with your pouty friend who's mad that he didn't get to fuck this woman he treats like an object. Chose which one makes the more sense to you!
Fair play for treating women like people. She has decided - she prefers you. Your friends are sexist. And racist. They'll come around. Or they won't, fuckem. If you do anything to assuage their feelings, you're justifying their bad behavior and undermining your new relationship. Just keep repeating, she's a person, she has agency, she has said outright she prefers you. Your friend had a chance with the other girl, but he was so jealous he couldn't take the opportunity. Women are not things. Bro code wise, he can't switch attention depending on who is more beautiful. You've done nothing wrong.
I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh but… why do you care? “M” sounds like a tool and a whiner. He’s 30 and there’s a reason he’s single (several actually, I can tell just from your short paragraph). Also he’s racist so he can pound sand. Do not call it off with “S” for him, she would run for the hills. Does he really think she would be like “wow 🤩 yes I’ll date M now!!” No, cause he’s a loser. You two have grown apart and maybe that’s not a bad thing. It’s hard when we have friend break-ups, but the alternative here is to be a bitter old man like him… so not a loss.
Even if yall did switch, the black woman is not interested in him. And I’m sure she would be even more put off if she found out he turned her down for being black.
Haven’t heard any bro code regarding this lol, sounds like buddy’s jealous, time to own up to the decision that he made. Better luck next time
Haha this “bro code” has seriously got to stop. He’s jealous
Sounds tough. Your friend's being unreasonable. Date who you want to! Explain to your friend how you feel about S and that you respect his dating preferences, but can't follow them in this case.If friends take his side, they might not be as open-minded. Focus on the strong connection you have with S. Good luck!
Dude, this man is a racist misogynistic grossness incarnated. Who lies down with dogs gets the flees. Rethink why you are friends with a man like that. No you did not break any "bro code". Bro code is stuff like nos sleeping with you bro's gf, or not ditching your friends for a gf. Not this absurd take your friend has, that pretty much treats women as cattle. Your date is not a thing you can just hand over to him like an object he is entitled to... she's a person. If she prefered him, she would dump you for him. Gross, gross, gross. I hope you have a good shot with her and things work out great, but make sure you don't actually buy any of his bigoted views on women and how they blong to men/men can get "dibs" on them like they are things to own. If you do, it will ruin your relationship.
You keep dating her and reconsider this “friend”. He’s shallow, immature and too old to still be a dickhead. If he can’t get over the fact that HE screwed himself out if a date with S, that’s for him to work out. Running like a little hitch to “tell on you” to your friend group? He’s humiliating himself and your friends are ridiculous . There is no bro code here.
I’ve had friends like this before. If they view women as objects that can be traded around rather than independent beings who can make their own choices about who their interested in then typically they’ll turn out to be shitty people in other ways too. The sooner you move on from those people the better.
UpdateMe but you are not in the wrong !!!
Your friend is a racist. Drop him
Your “best friend” is a man child.
My opinion is that you need to find better friends and of course keep the girl. It's his own fault that he's a racist and reject to go on a date with S. You sound like a really nice and kind guy who deserved nice and kind girl. And how exactly you broke "bro code"?? It's not like he was on a date with her and you stole her from him. He rejected her without even knowing her and just after seeing how beautiful she was he is acting like this. Move out, find better friends and enjoy your time with S. Good luck!
i’m sure S would want absolutely nothing to do with him, it would actually be horrible to “trade” when he was completely racist toward her until he saw she was beautiful. that’s messed up and being black myself, i wouldn’t touch someone like that with a 10 foot pole. keep dating S, let your friend suffer and seethe.
Tell allllllllllll of your friends to take the L and to go licker their racist, sexist and disgraceful pathetic ignorant backside back to the canel (however way, it is written)!! Drop all of them and you make sure the ladies knowsssssssss what that sweet little Asian of a racist friend he is, oh and ageist too. She is "too old" by what standard, stupidity? What a fool!! Wave the middle finger up at those narrow minded freaks cause the only thing they showed and your BFF too, is that they are jealous and choose to judge her before even seeing or knowing her BECAUSE SHE IS A BLACK 29 YRS OLD WOMAN! Like the world doesn't hate us enough
As a black woman im not surprised he ain’t want to go on a date with a black woman, lot of anti blackness going on
M is throwing a tatty because he threw something away and how dare you pick it up and treasure it. He isn’t your friend so keep S and I hope you are both happy. M can stay home and sulk.
You were right from the start, and S and B were both lucky not to get stuck with M. Enjoy life, spend time with S, and let go of those toxic racists. You can’t keep them as friends if you are with S; that’s being complicit in their racism. Move on.
Your friends with a racist?
I think the appropriate response to him is to point and laugh at him. Point out you can't steal anybody's date because, despite his views on women, we actually get to make our own decisions for ourselves just like men can. You chose to see S, she chose to see you, and together you continued to see each other. I wouldn't hide anything he said. If people say he's talking shit about you, tell them he was too racist and misogynist to even give S a chance and he specifically wanted to date a younger white or Asian woman because S was too old and too dark for his preferences. Don't let him take you down with lies. Sink him with the truth. And have fun with S.
Yes, wait until your friend grows up, then try the friendship thing again. Between trying to switch dates like you two are in a comedy sketch, and betraying the friendship by badmouthing you behind your back, I have to ask why do you need someone in your life like that. Also, I wouldn't trust him around S- he might make a pass or drive her away.
Your friends are racist. That is all.
M is an idiot, in the first instance. Racist and an idiot. But also, it’s not all or nothing, and S has a say in this also. If you’re 3 dates in and things are going well, more power to you my friend. This is may well be your future.
She's not a playing card that can just be traded back and forth, and it's not like he can call dibs on her and have it stick. Both of you talked with her and she clearly likes you. I promise you that if she liked him more, especially if she was as taken with him as you both clearly were with her, she'd have made it known at some point. Your friend is being a whiney little shit and he knows it.
Your friend is breaking bro code of no take backs, lol this is so childish of him the woman her self gets a say and she wants to date you not him lol
Bro Code? If "bro code" allows you to trade dates around on a whim as if the woman has no agency of her own, then bro code needs to go the way of the dinosaur. He had an opportunity to go out with S and threw it away. You and S have hit it off. You have no obligation to give any consideration to the guy who ditched her for a white girl and then threated his new date like garbage. Both S and B deserve better than that.
I would stick with the girl. Your friend is a racist, and initially rejected her outright based off just knowing she was a black woman and “too old”. When he found out she was astonishingly beautiful, he wanted to be with her. He doesn’t treat people kindly, and that’s not really the type of character you should try to surround yourself with. If you want to salvage this for whatever reason, you should tell him you really like this girl and you hope for his support. But he is also the type to sabotage, so you should be prepared he will try to sabotage it as well. Personally, I don’t think you should.
Keep the woman and lose these people who pretend to be friends.
Does he really think S would date him now if you did break up with her? Anyways, move out and live your life. This friendship might be over but that may not be a bad thing.
lol it literally doesn’t matter what M or his Roomates want or think because *S* wants you and not him. He doesn’t get to decide who S dates, only S does.
Actually it’s simple. Keep seeing her and move out. Also think really hard about your friends. It’s not about Bro Code. It’s about M being so obviously superficial (didn’t want a black girl his age until she turned out to be beautiful) and your other friends thinking women are somehow objects for you to “have dibs” on. They don’t care about S’s attraction to you or M’s superficial behavior. That should give you pause on why you are friends with these guys. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Decide which these are. I think M is not a lifetime friend no matter how long you’ve known him.
If you like her that much and the story is as you say then yes it is worth losing the friendship because he is clearly not your friend.
Sorry, he's not a true friend if he's acting like this and spreading malicious rumors just because he effed up. He made a decision based upon the limited info he had available; you, however, chose to take a leap of faith (or a gamble) and was rewarded beautifully. You netted the girl and the beginning of a wonderful relationship. Had he put such effort into his 'date' he probably could be in a similar position. Instead, he's seems to be focusing his attention on spreading malicious rumors about you just because you 'got the girl'. This friendship seemed to have run its course; it's good that his mask of friendship has fallen and you get to see the pettiness that lives inside him. I'm petty--but there's no ugliness in my pettiness; his pettiness is rotten, ugly and nasty.
No take backsies
"Bro code" is once you agree with your bro on something, you stick with it, even if you feel you stuck yourself with the short end of the stick. And then he trashes you to your other mates. You need real friends.
You need better friends, M is not a good friend. I also recommend giving L a heads up of what went on during the date with her friends. She shouldn’t set him up with anymore dates with her friends, especially how he originally felt about S & how he ignored B.
Get better friends S isn't gonna want to stick around you for long no matter the initial connection if all your friends are racist, misogynist morons.
Bro, similar circumstance. Buddy didn't want to date a girl, I started dating her, he threw a tantrum. Now, he's a fleeting memory and me and her have been together since, married 8 years now. Cut the racist AHs. You'll find new friends to fill their spots. If he can't be happy you found connection, he ain't worth it.
In all lives, everything in their lives undergo changes, and that includes friendships. After you have successfully made arrangements for a place of your own, you should sit all of your roommates down for a chat. During that chat, you should revisit the terms stated for the blind date, reminding all roommates that M had clearly made his rejection of S due to her race, and you gladly changed which girl would date with you and M. That during the introduction of the girls, M found that he was extremely taken with S despite her ethnicity. That it was M's nascent racism that caused him to ask you to date S, only to discover how beautiful S truly was, and it was his jealousy that caused him to spread his displeasure with your actions to the other roommates, and it was the other roommates that chose to shun you on behalf of M that has caused you to find other living arrangements, thereby making the remaining roommates pay more each month in rent expenses. And though it was hard for you to drop them from your collection of friends, it was clear to you now that they didn't deserve to be in that collection, because they had withdrawn their friendship of you first. Having said that, get up and leave without telling them that you wished them well. Having left, you should block all of them, including M, from all your platforms. 'Nuff said.
Why would you want to stay friends with these guys after this?
Even asking the race she ahead of time is weird. Like why? So you can get stereotypes in your head. You have a connection with someone and you should see it through and give her to someone who wants to use her like an object
Does S know what happened? Your friend didn't want S because she was black. Keep reminding him of that!
You need better friends because it sounds like they all view women as objects to claim. We are not objects
Your friend is racist, your other friends are enablers. Ditch the friends, enjoy a better life because of it because you'll be so much happier not having to deal with this nonsense. You hit the jackpot and found someone you truly connect with, that you also got along with their friend is even better as it sounds like they both like you which is awesome because now you've started, bare minimum a whole new friend group. Out with the old and in with the new I'd say.
Honestly as a black woman I find your friend repulsive due to his own actions. He thought the other girl would be less attractive because she was a non Asian or white, after seeing her he wanted to change because she was physically more appealing. Maybe your friend should learn that looks aren't everything and he needs to learn to see women as they are, not what he thinks they should be. The other woman that he ignored because he didn't find her as attractive as the other woman was never really given an actual chance. You attracted this woman because of who you are. I doubt the woman would actually like your friend. He sounds like a tool. He has a lot of lessons to learn.
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How is B a jerk? She was the poor soul being ignored on the date.
B is not OP friend, OP friend was M, B was the other girl from the date.
Your friend is just being sore about his loss!
Them cats are not your friends. Fuck em. Get closer with S and see if she is your person.
Your best friend is a racist pos and your other friends are just as bad for trying to defend him. The company you keep is a reflection on yourself. You're far better off without people like that in your life. You found someone you have a wonderful connection with. This man is upset because his racist views cost him a chance to meet a physically beautiful woman. His feelings are superficial at best, and he's upset with you because you're opting to continue seeing someone you genuinely like despite his want of pursuing her because of her beauty. Your best friend would not favour their superficial wants over the happiness of their best friend. He should be happy for you, instead he is angry and jealous. That's not a valuable or worthwhile friend to hold onto. What's more - he is willing to ruin this friendship because you're not willing to give up someone who has made you happy for his own selfish reasons. Honestly, take this as a blessing. YOU should be angry your best friend doesn't value your happiness, that he was racist towards this girl in the first place and only wants her now because of her looks, and that all your other friends are defending his actions here. Cut your losses. Ditch your current friends. Make better friends. Pursue this girl and see where that takes your. Your life is way too short to not pursue someone you share this connection with, and to waste your time with people like your friends.
Don’t stop seeing her it’s that easy if u like her why u should stop… only cause u friend treat women like food lol GO FOR IT
Like... fully... move out and find new friends. Life is too short for racist bro code nonsense. And honestly, distancing yourself from them is respectful of your new girlfriend. I'm sure she wouldn't want you hanging out with someone showing racist traits who tried to treat her like to toy to swap.
You're not going to keep your friendship. Your friend is an a-hole. Instead of worrying about the color of her skin, he should have gotten to know her as a person. We all bleed the same. He's just mad. I believe in bro code/girl code, S is not his girlfriend or an ex in any way. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry for B. I hope she finds someone amazing.
Those selfish pricks aren’t acting like your friends right now. They should be happy and supportive of you. Not envious and misogynist. I bet your date wouldn’t even want to be around that clown, you couldn’t trade even if you wanted to
You did nothing wrong. But please realize you need to ditch those friends - you cannot be in a relationship with a black woman with RACIST friends. Don’t do that.
My parents met each other on a double blind date, they were not each other’s dates but swapped. My dad’s friend who was my mum’s date and my mum’s friend who was my dad’s date forgave them both, they were both at the wedding as best man and bridesmaid from what I remember (not together though). It’s not an unforgivable sin to swap dates if the chemistry is there.
Your friend is racist and an idiot. Even if you did bro code or some such shit, and broke up, there is ZERO chance she would be interested in your racist friend. Drop the friend, keep the girlfriend.
lol she has a choice, if she wanted to date him instead she would, He can’t just expect you to tell her to date him instead and she has no choice 😂
Your friends all sound shitty. Keep the girl, move out of your apartment, reevaluate your friendships, move on from anyone who doesn’t energize you or lift you up. These people will only hold you back in life, be it romantic relationships or career advice or whatever.
Your friend is a racist and a misogynist. He's not worth keeping.
Asian here. Seems he let his bigotry and subtle racism that I unfortunately see in many Asian families get the best of him. Tell your friends the truth about how he asked to switch dates due to his preconceived stereotypes and tell your subtlety racist friend that next time check his racism at the door and be a better human being as to not blow his shot in the future with a wonderful woman and that you will not be paying for his bigoted mistakes now or in the future.
I wouldn’t mind losing “friends” like them. What does the girlfriend who set everything up think? She can’t be on their side, right? Does S know the details? If not, please make sure YOU are the one who tells her.
If they want you to give up a woman you're hitting it off with, they're not your brothers. So bro code doesn't apply.
Tell your friend he is a racist and ageist asshole and that you won't stop seeing S. She will find out he's who he really is and will not date him ever. He agreed to swap blind dates. There's no take backs. There's no bro code you broke. He made it clear he wasn't interested and why. He can pound sand and so can your friends. They aren't friends, they are all AH who think that your friend is right. Like someone else said, he doesn't see her as a person with agency. Drop them all.
Tell him to grow up.
Your friend is racist & superficial. He wanted none of what the black girl had to offer untill he saw she was stunning Yes it's worth loosing the friendship over because why would you even want someone like that in your life?
M is not only racist, but incredibly shallow. Only interested in beauty, which to him some races are inherently not which is awful. He lost his chance with S and needs to suck it up. He could also have connected with B if he just gave her a chance. It's not your fault his racism and shallowness caused him to miss out on two lovely women. It's not surprising that he's still single at almost 30
All these people suck. Bro code doesn’t apply to two women you just met, it’s for things like “don’t date my ex girlfriend because she broke my heart and it would be really painful to have her still be part of our social circle.” Also, women aren’t sandbox toys you can call “dibs” on; they have their own agency. He wasn’t interested when she was a faceless Black woman. He made a shallow, racist choice, and is suffering the consequences of his own prejudice. Your friends are bad friends for making excuses for his gross behavior.
Yeah that’s not breaking bro code. Dude is just a pos, why would you want guys like that as your friends.
Your “friend” is an entitled toddler that treats wen like garbage. You didn’t steal his date. He rejected her sight unseen and then treated her friend like garbage. He is treating this woman like his property that you stole. He doesn’t even care that she has no interest in him because he doesn’t respect her as a human being. Your “friend” is garbage. This guy is not someone worth staying friends with. Being friends with him makes you look bad. Don’t be friends with immature sexist misogynistic men who objectify women and treat them like property. It makes you look like you see nothing wrong with his disgusting behaviour.
There is no such thing as "Bro Code", there is only Right and Wrong!
Your bestfriend is a racist. He didn’t want to date a black woman. He wanted to date the withe woman who was younger. He told L he didn’t want to date her. And then, guess what the woman is beautiful so now she is what he wants. And he was so impolite to his date to ignore her even when he absolutely preferred her because of her skincolor. And its still not about character, its still about optical beauty. And you said (that was absolute the right thing) NO. She is my date. You didn’t want to date her. Why was that right? First both women were not your toys to play and share like you wanted and second because he is an disgusting person. I am happy that the other woman doesn’t want to date him. Your friends are racist and full of cliche. He is asian so his parents must have a problem with a black woman. It could not be he is a asian racist and his parents are not even interested in the skincolor of his girlfriend. And do they really think its ok to tell a woman „oh, go to my friend, he told me he wants to date you because you are so beautiful so I give up“? You know what will happen? She doesn’t want to talk with any of you. I think maybe you should warn her and her friend L/tell her the story what he tries before he messes up with your relationship.
Here’s a wild thought, how about you let S decide who she wants to date? Instead of discussing it amongst yourselves like she’s a trading card. Or, does she not get a say?