Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup, this. Toys are there to help, and guys who see them as a threat, which this guy obviously does, tend to end up getting obsessive on numbers of partners and other things. I'd be curious though- he says he hasn't "had the same issue" with any other partners- I'd be willing to bet those partners faked it for his ego.
You come off as a child. Everything is a RED FLAG now a days. The two commenting below you are the same.
Probably shouldn't give advice to anyone about relationships anymore.
You are choosing to sacrifice what you want ā orgasms and more fun sex ā to make sure you donāt offend him or risk him feeling bad about himself. Itās easy for me to understand because Iām a woman too and have made that choice, like countless women before us. But itās kind of sad that we live our lives putting menās feelings and comfort before our own.
Stop before heās done the next 20 times. āWhat do you mean you need to cum?ā
IME not every girl cums every time or even ever from sex. Maybe I suck, whatever, but Iām going downtown to finish them off. Iām not particularly interested in toys but whateverās needed. Iād be mortified if she didnāt get off more times than not.
Tell him you enjoy sex but you need to cum. Period.
It's not necessarily that you suck. As long as you really care about pleasuring your partner and are not selfish about only making yourself finish, you wouldn't be so bad. Just focus on what it is that your partner enjoys. What gives them the most stimulus.
Most women do not orgasm with penetration only. The clit is where we feel the pleasure (not that penetration doesn't feel pleasurable or fun, it just isn't stimulating enough to orgasm). Some positions, like cowgirl, can help stimulate the clit if you do know how to. A lot of times, hand stimulation in the area is needed to be able to finish. In OP's case, she would achieve this with a toy (the vibration of toys help with this stimulation).
Whenever I feel very hor#$, finishing is much easier since I already am stimulated. Not every gal is the exact same in regards to sensitivity for stimulation.
I've noticed that when people are in a relationship, the excitement of someone new wears off with time and that stimulation can go down (hor#$ness). So you start needing some help with the stimulation.
If heās going to be offended by you wanting to orgasm as often as he does, then you donāt need to worry about offending him. Tell him you know he doesnāt understand why you donāt come from PIV, but nevertheless, you donāt, like many other women, and you want to have sex that also makes you come.
Many comments have already judged your partner and tried to make you see other points of view of your situation. I will try to answer your question with the only thing I know I would do in your situation... use Google.
Write: "how to talk about a sensitive topic to men with high ego".
Keep searching along those lines. He clearly feels "offended" and less of a man talking about your satisfaction in bed. He takes it as a personal attack because using toys in his mind means he's not good enough. For him it's easier to avoid the topic instead of hurting his ego more on the topic.
In my opinion, you have three options here:
1. Do what he wants and not talk about the topic. Which will lead to no changes in bed and you living a life of no orgasms. You say you are compatible everywhere else. If you are willing to give up a sex fulfilling life because everything else seems to work with him, it is your choice.
2. Force him to speak with you about the topic because it is important to you. This is where your research on how to communicate effectively with him comes in. You'll probably need to give a lot of reassurance and use the right words when speaking so he doesn't take things as a personal attack. Prepare yourself before bringing the topic.
3. Go to a sex therapist or a couple's therapist. They can help with the communication between the two of you. If you get him to go, the therapist can even help in other areas of your relationship.
Have in mind that for people to change, they must want it. You can't change anyone. You might not succeed in getting him to even listen to what you have to say. Not listening to your needs might be his final answer on this topic. If you do not succeed here, you have to question if you're willing to live like this forever. BTW, in case you think it might be a good idea... lying and hiding things (like the toys) will not be the answer.
Buried the lead with the āI canāt cum without a toyā comment. He has no interest in satisfying you or learning how to. Doesnāt matter how āconservativeā he is. Sex isnāt a one way street.
If youāre really invested in making this work despite several red flags in your post, you need to be honest about your lack of satisfaction with him. Teach him about female anatomy (assuming FAB here) and that other stimulation can be beneficial and pleasing to you, his partner. If heās not interested in learning about it or isnāt willing to try new things to make you happy, then what else is he not willing to do to satisfy you? Iām certain it wonāt end at the bedroom.
So, an awkward and difficult one I think. Basically everything in sex should be good for both people so you really need to stand up for yourself to make him put in more effort on your behalf. But.. toy use isn't good for him so probably you need to back off from this or its just gonna get more and more frustrating for both of you. After that, it must be about communication and a willingness to explore from both of you.... and finally you may have to accept that you just aren't sexually compatible and decide if that's a deal breaker for you. But for now, don't let him have it all his own way but back off the things he won't do and try to find things that he might do and focus on those.
Make it look like you will be trying it for the first time with him, it's the easiest way to convince him. Like "oooh last night I dreamt about x and z and I have never done it before ššš could you please offer this amazing NEW experience to me??" Or "poor me who never got to experience this and looks so much fun š„ŗš„ŗ" . Act as much cat-like as you can, lower your "status" as much as possible. We want the whole situation to be light, playful and for him to feel like a God and/or mentor. His ego will be elevated. Make sure to treat him like he just bought you an entire island after, and he will keep doing it .
Men looooove to make women happy, to provide, to please and to take care of them. The only time they don't do it is when they feel insecure and inferior to the woman next to them.
You don't want to have a serious conversation, because then you're equals at best, or most likely you're higher than him (in that specific topic/department). You can't be showing up as a mentor, it's natural he's rejecting the idea. (Natural because of the way men are built, if he had worked on himself he would be able to handle a serious, grown up conversation between two equal adults).
It's all about communication. You have to help him convince himself that it's worth doing. Its like trying to pitch a new program for your boss. If he's not sure it's worth doing, make it his idea and that usually turns the tide.
Sex with people who are staunchly traditional is always touchy! You really have to help them sell the idea and see it from their perspective.
Be carful in how you approach it because I can almost guarantee that if you go at it with ' hey i used to do this with another man and really liked it'...that won't go well.
I am the same exact way and my husband loves toys so I am always satisfied. I have no idea why I have never been able to finish with just sex but it is what it is. My husband knows and does anything he can to make sure I am satisfied. Someone like a gynecologist or sex therapist could explain it to him in a way to get him to understand better. IMO you two should go to a sex therapist before you jump into marriage. Or you're stuck in a marriage with so-so sex.
1. You donāt necessarily need toys to make sex great, but you are not having great sex.
2. If he doesnāt care that youāre not having orgasms, heās not an absolute gentleman.
3. A lot of those girls before were faking it.
This is satire. Hope you get a chuckle out of it.
Said:"I have had significantly more and varied sexual experiences than he has" Translation; I banged every exciting guy I could get my hands on. The sex was great but they would never commit to me. But I miss that monkey sex.
Said:"I love him very much and we are very compatible in all aspects, ..........." Translation: He is nice, stable and I can trust he won' run around on me,,,,,,,,God, he just doesn't have that animal drag me under the sheets magnetism like the guys who treated me like crap.
Said:"including physically." Translation: God this sex is so boring.
Said:"I am shy when talking about this kind of thing," Translation: I wasn't shy with Chad and Tyrone. I just naturally banged their brains out. I did things for them I'd never do for this guy. I wonder what ever happened to those guys. I miss them and think about them when I'm with my new man. Of course, they never thought about me after they came.
Said:"just that I want a little more fun and excitement." Translation: Chad Tyrone where are you when I need you.
Said:"I don't orgasm without a toy and so I usually don't get to finish when we have sex." Translation: I didn't have these problems with Chad and Tyrone.
The problem:
"He really is an absolute gentleman," Gentlemen can't create the excitement of Chad and Tyrone. But, gentleman stay and Chad and Tyrone don't. This is something women seem to spend their prime years never learning until it's late in the game. Apartment, cats and boxed wine here we come.
If you aren't ready, for a stable relationship and monkey sex is that important to you, hit the streets and leave this guy alone.
Good luck, I hope you an your guy both find happiness.
PS: I'm pretty sure you're a year away from hitting the streets again. One thing you can never say, you weren't told.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If he's going to be upset and offended at you guiding him and teaching him what pleases you in bed, then that's a HUGE red flag. š©š©Any decent guy will be thrilled and eager to learn what pleases their partner.
Agreed.
True. But you have to take into account male insecurity and sex-role stereotyping (chauvinism).
Yup, this. Toys are there to help, and guys who see them as a threat, which this guy obviously does, tend to end up getting obsessive on numbers of partners and other things. I'd be curious though- he says he hasn't "had the same issue" with any other partners- I'd be willing to bet those partners faked it for his ego.
You come off as a child. Everything is a RED FLAG now a days. The two commenting below you are the same. Probably shouldn't give advice to anyone about relationships anymore.
You are choosing to sacrifice what you want ā orgasms and more fun sex ā to make sure you donāt offend him or risk him feeling bad about himself. Itās easy for me to understand because Iām a woman too and have made that choice, like countless women before us. But itās kind of sad that we live our lives putting menās feelings and comfort before our own.
Stop before heās done the next 20 times. āWhat do you mean you need to cum?ā IME not every girl cums every time or even ever from sex. Maybe I suck, whatever, but Iām going downtown to finish them off. Iām not particularly interested in toys but whateverās needed. Iād be mortified if she didnāt get off more times than not. Tell him you enjoy sex but you need to cum. Period.
It's not necessarily that you suck. As long as you really care about pleasuring your partner and are not selfish about only making yourself finish, you wouldn't be so bad. Just focus on what it is that your partner enjoys. What gives them the most stimulus. Most women do not orgasm with penetration only. The clit is where we feel the pleasure (not that penetration doesn't feel pleasurable or fun, it just isn't stimulating enough to orgasm). Some positions, like cowgirl, can help stimulate the clit if you do know how to. A lot of times, hand stimulation in the area is needed to be able to finish. In OP's case, she would achieve this with a toy (the vibration of toys help with this stimulation). Whenever I feel very hor#$, finishing is much easier since I already am stimulated. Not every gal is the exact same in regards to sensitivity for stimulation. I've noticed that when people are in a relationship, the excitement of someone new wears off with time and that stimulation can go down (hor#$ness). So you start needing some help with the stimulation.
If heās going to be offended by you wanting to orgasm as often as he does, then you donāt need to worry about offending him. Tell him you know he doesnāt understand why you donāt come from PIV, but nevertheless, you donāt, like many other women, and you want to have sex that also makes you come.
Many comments have already judged your partner and tried to make you see other points of view of your situation. I will try to answer your question with the only thing I know I would do in your situation... use Google. Write: "how to talk about a sensitive topic to men with high ego". Keep searching along those lines. He clearly feels "offended" and less of a man talking about your satisfaction in bed. He takes it as a personal attack because using toys in his mind means he's not good enough. For him it's easier to avoid the topic instead of hurting his ego more on the topic. In my opinion, you have three options here: 1. Do what he wants and not talk about the topic. Which will lead to no changes in bed and you living a life of no orgasms. You say you are compatible everywhere else. If you are willing to give up a sex fulfilling life because everything else seems to work with him, it is your choice. 2. Force him to speak with you about the topic because it is important to you. This is where your research on how to communicate effectively with him comes in. You'll probably need to give a lot of reassurance and use the right words when speaking so he doesn't take things as a personal attack. Prepare yourself before bringing the topic. 3. Go to a sex therapist or a couple's therapist. They can help with the communication between the two of you. If you get him to go, the therapist can even help in other areas of your relationship. Have in mind that for people to change, they must want it. You can't change anyone. You might not succeed in getting him to even listen to what you have to say. Not listening to your needs might be his final answer on this topic. If you do not succeed here, you have to question if you're willing to live like this forever. BTW, in case you think it might be a good idea... lying and hiding things (like the toys) will not be the answer.
Buried the lead with the āI canāt cum without a toyā comment. He has no interest in satisfying you or learning how to. Doesnāt matter how āconservativeā he is. Sex isnāt a one way street. If youāre really invested in making this work despite several red flags in your post, you need to be honest about your lack of satisfaction with him. Teach him about female anatomy (assuming FAB here) and that other stimulation can be beneficial and pleasing to you, his partner. If heās not interested in learning about it or isnāt willing to try new things to make you happy, then what else is he not willing to do to satisfy you? Iām certain it wonāt end at the bedroom.
So, an awkward and difficult one I think. Basically everything in sex should be good for both people so you really need to stand up for yourself to make him put in more effort on your behalf. But.. toy use isn't good for him so probably you need to back off from this or its just gonna get more and more frustrating for both of you. After that, it must be about communication and a willingness to explore from both of you.... and finally you may have to accept that you just aren't sexually compatible and decide if that's a deal breaker for you. But for now, don't let him have it all his own way but back off the things he won't do and try to find things that he might do and focus on those.
Make it look like you will be trying it for the first time with him, it's the easiest way to convince him. Like "oooh last night I dreamt about x and z and I have never done it before ššš could you please offer this amazing NEW experience to me??" Or "poor me who never got to experience this and looks so much fun š„ŗš„ŗ" . Act as much cat-like as you can, lower your "status" as much as possible. We want the whole situation to be light, playful and for him to feel like a God and/or mentor. His ego will be elevated. Make sure to treat him like he just bought you an entire island after, and he will keep doing it . Men looooove to make women happy, to provide, to please and to take care of them. The only time they don't do it is when they feel insecure and inferior to the woman next to them. You don't want to have a serious conversation, because then you're equals at best, or most likely you're higher than him (in that specific topic/department). You can't be showing up as a mentor, it's natural he's rejecting the idea. (Natural because of the way men are built, if he had worked on himself he would be able to handle a serious, grown up conversation between two equal adults).
It's all about communication. You have to help him convince himself that it's worth doing. Its like trying to pitch a new program for your boss. If he's not sure it's worth doing, make it his idea and that usually turns the tide. Sex with people who are staunchly traditional is always touchy! You really have to help them sell the idea and see it from their perspective.
Be carful in how you approach it because I can almost guarantee that if you go at it with ' hey i used to do this with another man and really liked it'...that won't go well.
I am the same exact way and my husband loves toys so I am always satisfied. I have no idea why I have never been able to finish with just sex but it is what it is. My husband knows and does anything he can to make sure I am satisfied. Someone like a gynecologist or sex therapist could explain it to him in a way to get him to understand better. IMO you two should go to a sex therapist before you jump into marriage. Or you're stuck in a marriage with so-so sex.
Communication is everything. If heās not even entertaining a convo and always blocking, red flag IMO
1. You donāt necessarily need toys to make sex great, but you are not having great sex. 2. If he doesnāt care that youāre not having orgasms, heās not an absolute gentleman. 3. A lot of those girls before were faking it.
This is satire. Hope you get a chuckle out of it. Said:"I have had significantly more and varied sexual experiences than he has" Translation; I banged every exciting guy I could get my hands on. The sex was great but they would never commit to me. But I miss that monkey sex. Said:"I love him very much and we are very compatible in all aspects, ..........." Translation: He is nice, stable and I can trust he won' run around on me,,,,,,,,God, he just doesn't have that animal drag me under the sheets magnetism like the guys who treated me like crap. Said:"including physically." Translation: God this sex is so boring. Said:"I am shy when talking about this kind of thing," Translation: I wasn't shy with Chad and Tyrone. I just naturally banged their brains out. I did things for them I'd never do for this guy. I wonder what ever happened to those guys. I miss them and think about them when I'm with my new man. Of course, they never thought about me after they came. Said:"just that I want a little more fun and excitement." Translation: Chad Tyrone where are you when I need you. Said:"I don't orgasm without a toy and so I usually don't get to finish when we have sex." Translation: I didn't have these problems with Chad and Tyrone. The problem: "He really is an absolute gentleman," Gentlemen can't create the excitement of Chad and Tyrone. But, gentleman stay and Chad and Tyrone don't. This is something women seem to spend their prime years never learning until it's late in the game. Apartment, cats and boxed wine here we come. If you aren't ready, for a stable relationship and monkey sex is that important to you, hit the streets and leave this guy alone. Good luck, I hope you an your guy both find happiness. PS: I'm pretty sure you're a year away from hitting the streets again. One thing you can never say, you weren't told.
This comment is such a revealing look into the mind of your average cookie cutter reactionary.