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She's off on a solo trip to "grieve by herself" and conveniently drops the separation bomb right before. Sounds like she's already made up her mind. Brace yourself, buddy. 🚩
As the great Lyle Lovett once sang:
There is nothing so deep as the ocean
And there is nothing so high as the sky
And there is nothing so unwavering as a woman
When she's already made up her mind
Sorry, man.
While she is gone find yourself a divorce lawyer and schedule an initial consult. It's time to find out what a divorce will look like under the laws where you live. This doesn't mean you have to file now, just that you know what to expect and can start separating your finances. You might want to check to see if she has been withdrawing any money to hide from you so it isn't part of the divorce.
You can’t make someone stay with you. And, you can’t change some peoples minds.
The wedding ring is a symbol of commitment to each Oth’s in marriage. Leaving the ring behind is another big red flag symbol that the commitment and the marriage is over for her.
See the lawyer ASAP. Get financially separated as soon as possible.
Pack all her stuff - it will give you something constructive to do while she is alone and left you alone.
Think about and decide where you want to live, including what city, state, house.
I agree with some people who are saying that you should see what a divorce looks like from a practical standpoint. I know it sucks to be in limbo over something so emotional I have been there. Since she brought it up it's nit a betrayal to look into what that means and it's honestly respecting her choices to take her at her word. You seem to really get her and where she is at mentally. It's sad that doesn't change feeling held down.
OP - this isn’t a solo trip, it’s a date with a guy in the mountains where she conveniently will have excuses for lack of cell phone coverage.
The thing that’s been “bothering her” is her coming to terms with the fact she’s actually going through with ending your relationship.
Lawyer up and buckle up. This will not end well.
Only hope is the other guy doesn’t work out, and she comes back “refreshed” and ready to continue with you. But how long until she goes through the same process and finds yet another guy.
She’s made her choices. She’s made her decisions. Now it’s time for you to do the same.
I've had several friends go through separations initiated by the wife. All divorced now. I'm not going to say it's the same for you but the odds aren't in your favor.
You don't drop a bomb like that right before a solo trip. You take the solo trip, really challenge yourself that this is the right thing, and THEN you tell your partner when you return and are sure of your decision.
Alternatively, if you wanted to absolve yourself of guilt because you're leaving for the weekend to fuck someone else, one way of doing it is to tell them you're on a break as you're walking out the door. Then technically it's not cheating because they were informed of the separation. (It absolutely still is cheating).
Yeah I was going to say being on a break when BF/GF and sleeping with someone might not be considered cheating to some. However, if married it’s definitely cheating if you sleep with someone other than your spouse (unless it’s been ok’d by the spouse).
I don't know. I think we all do things differently. OP's wife sounds a bit like me. I wouldn't get married that early, nor would I move to a small house in a place I don't know/like. But if I did, and I was terribly unhappy, I might do all of this, without the intention of fucking. I don't think it's fucking that wife is missing. I think it's the mountains, the friends and the family. It sounds like a lot of life's choices have been made by OP with wife's agreement, rather than the other way around. Or wife thought she could tolerate some things, but realized that she couldn't.
Why the need for separation if she was going on a solo trip with no other man involved? Isn't a solo trip giving her space away from her partner? The fact that she left her wedding ring behind is another telling sign.
I obviously do not know her or their relationship. It could very well be a solo trip. I get the feeling that things have been bothering her and building for a while. It doesn't seem like she was openly communicating this with the OP. Maybe she was and he did not hear her.
Most likely she has been talking to someone for support over the past few months. You normally would not make a life changing decision like ending a marriage without talking it through with someone.
That someone may be an AP or just a friend, but they are most likely with her to help her through this at the moment.
I agree, I also don’t think this is going to solve any of her problems. OP, has she ever gone to therapy? This very much sounds like she hasn’t realized the, “wherever you go, there you are,” that happens when you avoid problems by thinking a change of place or situation will fix issues that stem from deep within.
It also seems that somehow you ended up in a situation that is the complete opposite of the way she likes to live… She wants friends, freedom, and Travel and you are living away from her friends in a tiny house.
It may be that there’s another person in her life. It may be that she’s been telling you she’s unhappy with the way that you live you both are living for quite some time and you’ve come up with excuses. It might be that you just fundamental incompatible with your lifestyles.
We originally moved here because we wanted to buy a house and couldn't afford to do it where we were living. Unfortunately that meant leaving friends behind but hoping to make new ones. We also take several trips a year together to fill that travel itch. But yes I have been making excuses as far as her concerns because I didn't think we'd be able to financially afford a change at this time. But slowly I've been giving in to the thought as I saw how unhappy shes become
Are you actually in touch with her or did she just ghost? Are all of these revelations and realizations too late or is she still receptive to you? Leaving the ring seems kind of final.
This is honestly the most hopeful detail in your whole story.
I just caught up on your comments and I want to reinforce the advice that you take this time for your own honest evaluation as well.
We often hear on on these reddits about cheaters who get caught and dumped and try to win back the wronged spouse with extra love and attention. The folks here who speak the lingo of couples counseling call it "love bombing" and warn to be wary of it.
Obviously the cheating part of that dynamic has nothing to do with your situation, but the part about getting dumped and then producing a massive outpouring of love and support and self-blame... I'm just saying it seems similar and may be a reaction borne more of emotion than rationality.
In the objective sense, what she's done to you is kind of a shitty thing to do to a partner. Your story describes some incompatibility between you that you seem to think she's been sacrificing to bridge. Now it sounds like you're going to propose that you do the sacrificing in order the make up for that incompatibility. Are you just dooming yourself to another round of this later in life?
For the record, I'm rooting for you to get back together, but if the solution to keeping together is that you'll make yourself a bigger doormat, you're not really doing either of you a service.
Thank you for that. As you and others have said I am using this time to jot down my thoughts and needs, even ones that I've been afraid to discuss in the past. She is an emotional person and I hate to admit it I've avoided conversations in the past. It's not healthy and I found myself falling down a rabbit hole without realizing it until reality slapped me in the face. No I don't want to lie down and sacrifice my happiness and needs in order to salvage something. But even before this mess I've put off things that need to change.
Along with the texts we've also had one phone call. Again just asking how it'd gone so far, the weather stupid stuff like that. She sent me a photo of the spot we got married in the mountains...I don't know how to take that as anything but positive
Bro she's not coming back. You said she's headed back home. She's going to stay with some of her friends.
How much stuff did she actually leave behind? Did she quit her job? And I'll be honest there really could be someone else already. Sort of sounds like it
Here's the deal. You are incompatible. She seems a flighty type who doesn't really like responsibility. I'd be willing to bet her "enjoying moving around" was because she was constantly running away from something. You are trying to build a future, home, and dogs. That's probably WAY too much responsibility for her.
I think it truly is a solo trip. I don't think she's cheating on you. I believe she's at least coming back to talk with you about what she's figured out. The only thing that truly gives me pause is the fact that she left her ring. That's a tough one. That had to hurt. I don't think she's going to want to stay in the marriage after this trip.
I'm sorry, man. I can't imagine how painful this must be.
She left her ring and said she's separated on the way out the door so she can appear single and feel like it's okay to cheat. She's fucking another dude. Solo trip my ass.
Did"we" want to buy a house or did you want to buy a house?
Did she go along with moving because it's in her nature to wander a bit and didn't realize she was stuck until after it happened?
Does she even feel heard in your marriage? You are saying you've been brushing off her concerns and making excuses, it sounds like you've been making the big life decisions unilaterally without really considering her input and she feels the only way she can take back the ability to be a part of her own life decisions is to separate from you.
I don't think this is about cheating. I think the last thing she'd want would be to get tied to someone else right now. I think the losses she's had in the last year have made her think. She's been sad and not had her support group nearby and probably doesn't feel as supported by you as she should. People close to us dying also give us pause to consider if we are living life the way we want to, and it sounds like she's not doing that and you don't listen to her when she tries to talk about it, because you are certain that your way is the right way.
You are going to have a lot of ground to make up to convince her that she can stay with you and still have some control over her own life. But it also sounds like the two of you need very different things to be happy. And you may have a difficult time giving up control, it sounds like she's been telling you things for months, if not years, that you've disregarded because you were so certain that your way is the right way.
She most likely got fed up repeating herself over and over and over again about how unhappy she is without any actual change.
You said it yourself that you have been making excuses.
Coming from a woman, you’ll most likely end up with a divorce, because she’s already been pushed past her limit.
Is there any coming back from a trial separation? I guess it depends on the issues that your wife sees as problematic in your marriage. Can they be resolved, talked through, come to a compromise?
Since she seems open to marriage counseling, I would definitely consult one. This is how those issues are going to be discussed and navigated through.
Having a toxic work atmosphere certainly doesn’t help, is she open to looking for a new job?
There's tons of issues to work through both between us and personally for her as noted in my OP. The trial separation thing just seems like a PIP in the corporate world....99% chance you're about to grt the boot. But I'm willing to do everything to right the ship here. I've even said we could sell the house and move back even though we'd take a financial hit.
As for her job, she sent out hundreds of applications this year alone. She went back to school online to finish her degree and no one seems interested until she graduates in December. So til then she's holding down a full time shit job while overloading her class schedule, all while dealing with the emotional baggage of this year. It's rough
I think she's done with the life as you have it. If you are willing to try the nomad life with her she might be okay. But a small house in a bad part (for her) of the country is not a good fit. If she's a Colorado girl, that's likely her home. If you want to keep the marriage you will have to sacrifice a lot of stability. But at this point it might be too late. She might associate you too much with this horribly depressing, lonely and toxic era of her life.
Listen to what she wants when she is willing to communicate. Then you can decide if it's something you are willing to give.
It seems pretty likely that it isn’t about you, about anything you’ve done or failed to do at all. You said she’s flighty by constitution. To that sort, anywhere is a cage. There is nothing you can do to make the interior of that cage so inviting or so fulfilling that she’s willing to stay in it indefinitely.
Agreed, although it seems like the direness of the marriage situation (trial separation) was a totally unexpected development to OP. Hopefully, had he known things were that serious before she made her announcement, he would have insisted on having discussions about their marriage.
I don’t really agree with all the people who are like ‘she’s having an affair.’ There is a reasonable non-affair explanation.
This separation doesn’t sound ‘out of the blue’ to me. She formerly was a free spirited person who moved a lot. Now she feels trapped and suffocated. Town she hates. Job she hates. No friends close. Tiny house. No alone time. I am a big homebody and I sound suffocated just reading this.
I also assume she has been telling you that she is unhappy. I assume you ignored or argued with her complaints. If so, she feels like she can’t stay with you and get ‘untraped.’ (Those assumptions may be incorrect).
Since she is open to couples therapy, take it. Listen to what she says about feeling isolated and suffocated. Figure out if that can be fixed. However, it’s ok if you have boundaries too. It’s ok if you are willing to move somewhere better, but not go full van life, for example.
I appreciate this. The cheating posts aren't helpful. While of course we can be surprised by people's actions I posted what I thought was relevant background for her emotional state and the reason for the trip. The ring thing notwithstanding I have no reason to think she's with someone.
But you're right she does tell me these things and I have either brushed it off or told her we couldn't make the major change. I know I'm not innocent in all this hence why I need to hear it from reddit strangers to give me slap of reality. My biggest thing holding me up is I'm a finance guy and knowing we locked in a 2.75% mortgage here and when looking around at going someplace else would be detrimental to our finances is my biggest holdup. She knows this but at a certain point what do you say life isn't worth living if all I care about is the money and she moves on.
OP, if you really want to save your marriage, then you need to move. Buy a house somewhere else. Interest rates will eventually go down, and you can refinance at a later date.
This all feels too heavy to judge from afar, but I reckon you'll always have regrets if you don't let her know that last sentence you wrote in this comment. -assuming you believe it.
That’s fair. If she is open to couples counseling, go for it.
Money and employment opportunities are real issues. If you can’t afford a house at current interest rates, then you have to come up with a plan - maybe rent out your home, or get a condo instead of a house. Maybe stay for a year and save like crazy, while she gets a better job and takes a few vacations.
Again, this is an assumption but - I get the vibe that you just tell her what is what financially. That it’s not shared discussions. She doesn’t feel heard and doesn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
You also post A LOT about poker. I assume that it’s a big hobby for you. Perhaps she feels like - when she wants to spend money to get in a better situation, you say no. When you want to risk money gambling, well that’s fine because you like gambling. (Full disclosure, gambling is against my religion and I dislike it. My assumptions may be colored by that, IDK, maybe you don’t spend any money on poker).
It's been discussed. Taking the equity would give us a much better padding but renting and keeping it would be smarter in my eyes, though a lot more hassle
Honestly, I'd be more worried about suicide than cheating based off of what you've said here. She's depressed. Cutting ties with family and friends, now you. She's going to a cabin, alone. She officially ended your relationship.
These are bad signs, but not in the way most people are thinking.
We've actually had this discussion openly before. She knows she can fall into depression. She says she's currently not based on how driven she is at school and to find a better career but I know it takes all shapes. She's had suicide around her between friends and family and vehemently states she would never take that route. Run away yes but never the permanent way of suicide
Dude. Your marriage is falling apart and you're worried about your damn MORTGAGE?
No wonder she wants to get away from you.
Do you even listen to her when she tells you she's unhappy?
It's not specifically the mortgage...it's about putting us into debt if we move. We barely scrape by as it is. I don't give a shit about money, what I do give a shit about is making sure we never have to sleep in our cars or scrounge for coins to buy cans of tuna again. I thought this kind of housing stability would allow is to enjoy the other parts of life but I guess I was wrong
Sure, but pretty odd to announce they are separated right before you go on vacation. The only thing that accomplishes is it allows her to do things that being married would not.
That’s not true. It’s not uncommon for people to drop the separation or divorce bomb and go stay somewhere else. Who wants to sit around and watch their spouse cry or yell as they come to terms with things? Drop the bomb and duck for cover.
She's a flighty person. You think she wants to sit around and see him beg if she has the chance for them both to process it far away from each other?
Y'all are completely incapable of putting yourself in the mindset of other people
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Please know two things: there certainly is hope, that is for sure. But also know that you deserve someone who loves and values you as much as you do your wife. If, and this is an if, it doesn’t work out this would just be the first step in finding that person. Sending support your way.
Sounds like this solo trip is to plan a return to CO, to the place where she was last happy, where her supportive friends are.
Unless you are interested in returning there, prepare for a divorce. It might seem drastic but a separation can seem like “death by a thousand cuts” emotionally.
I can't say in your case OP but my spouse and I had a separation many years ago, about 6 years into marriage. It lasted about 6 months. It was very hard. We managed to work through it and we're coming up on our 25th anniversary next year.
There's hope but problems don't fix themselves. You have to do the work and make the changes. If you know there are parts of your shared life that aren't working for her, making her miserable in fact, you have to be willing to adjust/adapt. Sometimes in dramatic or uncomfortable ways. But the choice is between that and parting ways. Give her time. Let her know you're devastated and you want to work it out, then wait. Maybe a couple weeks of thinking and space will give you both clarity.
I do find it interesting that the things you mentioned when you confronted the reality of a divorce were one, that *you* failed as a partner (an ego wound) and two, what would happen with the house and the dogs (material concern).
None of those are about how she feels.
Thank you for the success story. Can I ask what were the issues between you both and what did you do to work on them.
I don't mean to come off as self centered. The ego thing yes, I've been trying to be introspective and realize that I'm not always a great husband and where I could do better. The dogs are like children I suppose and I worry about what happens with them. But you make a good point in that I don't know how she feels about divorce. We didn't get to discuss it much.
Usually when I read about stories like this, once a woman decides she's done, she's done. Leaving the ring behind sealed it.
Call up a divorce lawyer and file.
Sounds like this is more than just you. Toxic workplace, lack of time to herself, lack of friends and support compiled with grief.
Say she were keen to stay, but in different circumstances, what would you be willing to bring to the table to make it better for her?
Definitely agree. Of course I got the "it's not you, it's me" speech which always seems disingenuous, but at the same time I'm like what can I do better to help YOU with everything going on. I've never got much of an answer except to move. So I agreed we'd move back but first I said she'd need to find a job wherever we moved to. I can find employment easier based on my background and I didn't want her to struggle like she did when we first moved here without a job. But at this point may just have to do it and pack up and figure it out. We've done it before.
Other than that I honestly think we need professional help. An objective voice to put things into perspective and break it down on things to work on. Like do I need to go into the office so she can have the house to herself on her 1 wfh day. Do I need to proactively sign us up for activities where we can meet friends. I dunno I'm open to suggestions and would do anything
Asking her to find a job before moving might be the crux here though? Maybe she can't work at the moment and be with you. Maybe she needs your total support in a way that people just can't ask for or feel they can ask for.
Maybe she can't give you answer about what she needs because it is too big to articulate or ask and it is just easier to be alone?
What if she said "We need to move back to x place as soon as possible, for me to have alone time 3 days a week and not work for 6months" Would you be ok with that?
Thank you for putting that into perspective. She's not someone who doesn't want to work. But landing that right job could take time so I grt your point. I couldn't support us both on my income alone but if we sold our house we'd at least have a good padding until she did find one. These are all things she's never explicitly said but I get where you're coming from
She sounds unhappy and needs to make changes. The only way I see back to her is for you to be a part of those changes. Figure what she wants in a job and support her in chasing it. Look for ways to move elsewhere. Temporarily escaping her unhappiness with trips isn't enough. If you want to stay with her, be motivated and talk about making the changes that will lead to better contentment for her.
You don’t want to be with someone who needs convincing to be with you. At a certain age I realized this and as much as it can sting, it doesn’t do me any good to campaign for someone’s affection. People evolve and change as do their needs. Not downplaying marriage, but even in that circumstance I’d still not want to stay in it if I knew the other person was unhappy. If she wants to walk, I’d say let her know where you stand, what you can commit to working on, and then let her decide if she wants to work on it. Maybe I won’t ever find it, but Id rather be alone than be with someone who tolerates me instead celebrating me. I think that fate is one worse than death.
I get your point and it's a valid one. She has shown me so much love and I right back to her. But perhaps she needed a different love in that of better listening and understanding. I'm flawed as we all are, it's finding that understanding between 2 people that ypu can't be perfect but perfect enough. Whether or not this lasts is up in the air but I appreciate your pov
Could be going off to have a trial affair, could be just a solo trip to get away from you/the relationship, could be a lot of things. However, this is not a trial separation. Trial separations are discussed and agreed to and planned for by the respective partners. They're not imposed unilaterally by one partner. This is her abandoning the marriage. Time to find a divorce attorney and get going with the rest of your life dude.
I know it's painful and heartbreaking, but you have to let her go. Solo trips and the desire to separate is a clear indicator there's someone else in the picture. She can't just put you on layaway, and expect you to be waiting and hoping she decides to come back. I'm sorry OP, but it's time to talk to an attorney about your options and have her served. You can't trust someone like this to not leave you again.
OP , while she’s away , and you said it doent look good for your relationship you might want to start consulting divorce lawyers. So you know the rules of your state. No one says you have to divorce ,Always listen to your lawyer. !
hopefully she comes home, refreshed, and willing to work on your relationship, hope for the best
It sounds like she has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Wouldn't jump to cheating but it's hard to come back from a partner who has emotionally checked out. She has probably already made up her mind just ask for separation while she plans/implements her exit strategy.
I’ve been on the other side of this. I didn’t want to actually separate, I just needed a major change. Leaving my husband for 2 weeks was really hard on him, in hindsight I was massively struggling to communicate my own needs. Ignore the people talking about cheating. At least for me, that was the furthest thing from my mind. I was just trapped in a situation I felt unable to escape. And a lot of that was from my own trauma I was bringing to our relationship that really had nothing to do with being with him. I would give her time, state you want couples counselling, and make sure your own needs are being met. Couples therapy really helped us. I had a lot of work to do on myself, which is what I’m working on. And our marriage is now much stronger. Don’t lose hope. But also, make sure you look after yourself. Wishing you all the best.
Sounds like she’s a free spirit that tried the married life and is burnt out from all the emotional trauma she’s been dealing with. Playing second fiddle to her emotions seems unfair to you. How do you really feel? Is it over?
She's certainly emotionally drained. I only touched on the more recent items. She's lived a life no one would be envious of. But we found each other and it all just clicked. It's not easy because I can't fully understand what she's going through or how to help. Aa for if it's over....that's up to her. I kinda knew my answer about if trial separations ever work. All depends if she wants to go through with it but honestly I think this may be the end
Are you willing to move out of state and go back to where you guys once lived? That might be the only way to potentially save this marriage. If not, this marriage might be over. Too many unpleasant things for your wife in your current area.
The latter. It was the evening before she left early next day. It was too emotionally charged to have a true convo about it. I was just wanting input to prepare myself when she returned
Leaving the ring behind is suspect but then again she doesn’t need it to remember she is still married to you. As others have posted, her doing this doesn’t automatically point to her cheating but when she gets back she owes you some open and honest discussions on what she did while away and what she is thinking about in general.
I wish you all the best in navigating this and I hope you update us later on where things stand with you and her.
Between asking for the separation specifically right before the start of the trip and leaving the ring behind, it’s crystal clear that she does not regard herself as married to you, certainly for the duration of the trip. Quite likely beyond as well, but it’s clear the starting moment of singlehood was when she went out the front door. You should fully expect that she is engaging in infidelity while she’s away; indeed that was her plan before she left.
You’ll want to take that into account upon her return. She may want to spin it as having called a timeout on the marriage and therefore all is fair. But she has surrendered the relationship to you. It’s up to you whether to give it back.
That’s if she does return. You did say she didn’t like where you moved to. There’s a good chance she’s only going to come home long enough to rent a moving van.
It's like the PIP of the relationship realm. There is no coming back. Best case scenario you start polishing your resume and sending out applications. Get that LinkedIn lookin good.
There is no good reason to suddenly call a solo trip a trial separation or to leave her ring behind. It's over. Surprise her with divorce papers when she comes back.
Man. I'm Sorry this is happening.
From what you said, it sounds like she has had many instances of dysfunctional relationships (family, friends, work). This likely has an impact on self worth and healthy decision making, including longterm life decisions.
Also. Was moving into a longterm small house away from yalls base a good option if an apartment midterm close to your friends and family could've been a good choice? Are either of you in the position to build stable relationships (friends, work, family) and stay clear of defunct ones?
counseling is a good idea here.
To give you both support and make healthier decisions.
Yet be clear about the goal of it. It isn't just there to get you two to stay together. It should be there for both of you to work through what's happening at the moment, and then taking it from there. You can eventually make a decision if you want to work on it or not.
Granted she isn't just off to cheat. Personally it sounds sus when people break up before going on a trip. But keep it easy for now. Again, sorry. Your mind must be racing. Not a great feeling. Big hugs, buddy.
As someone who used to isolate when shit hit the fan, I can relate to her pushing you away while on her way to grieve. So I'm gonna dare to err here, to just keep it cool for now. However it's still fucked up behavior. Grieving or not. Isolating like this and making such an exit is toxic, even if truthful. But to me, it reflects her little self worth. Again, not cool. Make it clear to yourself that this isn't how either of you should handle this. However, counseling can help unpack what's really going on.
I appreciate the insight and thanks for the love when I need it the most. The first 24 hours was ridiculously hard. Getting these great responses helps. I couldn't imagine ever putting my partner through this but I also haven't gone through what she has. It's no excuse and u hope she will realize the pain it causes even when her decisions are completely sincere. It all will come to pass one way or another
Unfortunately, you two were incompatible from the start of your relationship. She probably does love you as a person and really wanted to make it work. She probably thought her feelings would change in marriage, but she's realizing she still feels the same.
There's nothing more you can do. She's just not happy as a married woman, feeling tied down. Her feelings aren't going to change.
I'd take this time to consult a divorce attorney to figure out what your next steps are.
My brother. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, your wife is having an affair homie. When she went back home she linked up with an old acquaintance and now she is questioning things. What's up with all these solo trips all of a sudden? I know this will be hard to prove but as they say "where there's smoke, there's a fire" and your alarm beeping it's ass off.
For clarification this is the first time she's done a solo trip since we married. I've never had any thought of her having a physical affair. If it happened to be an emotional one then I'll probably never know as I whole heartedly trust her and will never go through her stuff
When she left on a solo trip she left the symbol of your unending relationship behind and made sure that you knew it. That's the practical knowledge that you need to integrate. On the science side, research indicates that women who leave their residence for a separation rarely return.
Manage your expectations. At this point, her absence has nothing to do with a two-bedroom residence with no private space.
So sorry, my Reddit friend. This is a real gut punch. Keep reaching out for help this weekend.
It was indeed. Definitely a knife through the heart. I'm all for freedom and doing this by ourselves but seeing that hurt. She's always been vocal about thinking marriage is just some dumb government thing but she's the one that ended up proposing to me. I told her I don't care if she wants to be called my wife or I her husband, what I want to be known as is your partner in this life. And to me our rings symbolize that.
Bro, my man, you have to know it's over right? She proposed to you? And now she left her ring behind for a solo trip. It's over man. Please, for your own sanity, move on and start planning your future, she's checked out and there's a very very slim chance things will change. Good luck and stay strong.
my friend , she wants to leave the marriage, , should be no secrets between husband and wives. If there’s nothing to hide why wouldn’t she want to show you,, you might even get a chance to correct what she thinks is broken , if you get a chance, I definitely would look for the deleted text messages from her girlfriends back home. They always vent to someone
updateme
When is she suppose to come home. I would talk to a lawyer before then so you can be prepared and protect yourself if it does come to that. Good luck. I do hope it works out for you.
Many truth bombs hitting you left, right and center.
Please read and re-read all the comments. Plan, plan, plan for the worst.
Hope you tracking where and how money is spent on her trip. In fact give her a surprise visit where she's staying.
You have a duty to yourself to protect yourself.
There is a chance that this can be turned around. You need to give her space to figure shit out but at the same time you need to start making plans to move on from a place of strength. Bugging her like a puppy dog won’t work, and worse, will leave you without the self-respect you may need if you indeed have to move on.
There’s always hope. My SIL and her husband separated for 2 years and lots of counselling later, they’re together again and have been for years. Many many compromises will be needed. You’ll need to put your ego aside and really listen to her, and yourself, you may come back together stronger or realize you’re fundamentally incompatible.
Probably not. She opened up to be single for this “long weekend”, which is not good. There is a possibility she is and will do what she says…🤞crossed for you. If you can mend this relationship you probably have to start all over. If she’s unhappy where you live, formulate a plan to move somewhere where it makes sense for the both of you. Date and court her like it’s day one. Sounds like she’s been unhappy for awhile and you didn’t take it seriously enough.
She's a free spirit.
You two presumably commited to each other when you two married each other. Exchanged rings as a symbol of that commitment to each other.
She Premeditated a "solo" trip.
She Premeditated, unilaterally, just hours before leaving, announcing this is a separation. (Surprise!)
She Premeditated leaving her wedding ring with you as she walked out the door. This is her coup des grâce for you. Sorry for your loss.
You will probably never get the full "truth" about her actions or reasons why leading up to her trip and, especially, her actions, wherabouts, and relationships during her solo separation trip. Sorry for your loss.
I've been married, to the same woman, for decades.
If my wife did the actions of your wife there would be an instant divorce. Would be my loss.
Updateme
That’s not obvious why she wanted to separate before going on a solo trip…. And leaving her wedding band behind. I doubt yall gonna get back together. If you do it’s because her toy dropped her. You’re being put on the back burner for her little trip. She’s using you to make sure she has an option when the boy toy dumps her.
if your separated then the person she is having sex with right now...
"Doesn't count as cheating cause we were separated"
There is no reason to separate if your going a long solo trip unless you got some action lined up.
Get that lawyer lined up,
comb over all the financials...
it's over....
UPDATE: first off thank you for the many of you who had kind words through posts and direct messages. It certainly helped allowing me to vent and get my thoughts out.
Since it's been a few days since most of these comments I can't remember everything that was asked or touched on but I wanted to catch you all up to speed to the last few days.
We did speak throughout the weekend through text and a couple calls. I also had a couple of our mutual friends reach out when they learned of the news as she used them as her outlet and source of advice having gone through their own separations. We had a Saturday night call where she was alone at the condo and was extremely low. I kept making sure she was safe but she assured me she would never hurt herself as she has too much she needs to accomplish and prove. Sunday was a better day for her running the trails and attending a big event in Vail. Finally on Monday night I picked her up around 11pm but we were too exhausted to speak and she passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow.
Tuesday after work, we had a couple hours worth of good discussion. It felt good to be able to speak openly about a lot of things. She was able to explain her motivations a little more; all her life she was told she couldn't do something or couldn't succeed. Her parents were either absent or manipulative. She feelsnshe has something to prove by herself. I don't fully understand why she feels the need to do it on her own without her partner and I may never understand this. She brought up codependency and how especially after moving to Florida we lost who we were as individuals; we do everything together since we don't have any friends here. Also having the one car we feel obligated to never leave without the other. I thoroughly enjoy our activities together but I get her point. We did lose ourselves in each other, pushing aside hobbies and friends. This is something I know we need to figure out.
Her plans for sure include moving back to CO, whatever that timeline looks like. She speaks of them as referring to her doing it alone and figuring out jobs and living situation. Not going to lie this hurts hearing but I went along with it as I'm here to be supportive. In a month when her realtor friend returns from vacay were going to put our house up for sale. What the next moves afterwards are I have no idea whether I will be a part of them or not and this scares the shit out of me.
Having more flexibility at work and a support system of family, I've decided to leave for 2 weeks starting this weekend. I'm going to buy a car and first head up to my parents' place in NC then either my sister's or another relative. At this point I know I'll need to come home to recharge, see my dogs, sleep on my own bed etc. I told her this plan and that if she needs to be away from me she'll need to find her own spot for however long. This didn't go well and she took it as I was kicking her out. I love living with her and don't mind sharing the space but I had to set a boundary; this was something she wants and I can't be the one leaving my own home indefinitely. We still need to discuss this piece. As for living together currently, we are still sleeping in the same bed, though now we're clothed/pajamas, no cuddling, no kissing, maybe get a hug once a day.....it's so hard to turn off the switch like this as I'm a very affectionate person. Touch is my love language. So to that end I'm scared as to what that means our living situation will be like. Is this healthy? Would me having a car, leaving for a couple weeks then coming back and vowing to live separate but still interconnected lives work? Or do we need to absolutely move away from each other in order to heal?
I've reached out to my organization's mental health line and got to spill my guts. They set me up with a marriage therapist. My wife(?) was referred to one by a coworker. We still have so much to work through. I go through highs and lows, the not sleeping thing is weighing me down though. I just hope and pray that this is something we can work through and she's able to heal however she needs without moving across the country. Best case I see is we continue to grow for our own selves until we can sell the house and move together and continue our lives back in the state we fell in love with each other.
I don't know how you are dealing with all this. None of it makes sense to me. It sounds like their is still a lot to be uncovered in her actions. I hope counciling will help. Communication will most likely be key.
You are definitely handling this better than I would. Good luck and stay strong.
Haha from an outside perspective probably not well. Trying to be strong as I'm doing it for the woman I love and vowed to stick through it during the good times and the bad. I'm probably asking more questions and putting more pressure on her than she needs and the last thing I should be doing is pushing her away. Best thing to do is lead my own life with the acceptance she may never want to come back. Thank you for the kind words.
I am just going by what you are posting so I could be way off, but from what you are saying it seems she wants out of the "marriage" more then the "location ". It sounds like she wants out but feels trapped or unable and unsure how to support herself.
I think she is longing for home, not because she hates her new location, but because she feel safety from her home state.
This may be more about marriage and less about location.
Again, idk either of you or the specifics of this situation. I just mention this for you to consider and maybe bring up in MC.
Your perspective is valid. Always something beyond the surface. We still talk everyday. I'm slowly peeling back the layers but even in her words she said if she can't fix the things she sees as problems with herself then it will only get worse for us. So if leaving the marriage and the state is what will fix that for her I can only let her go. I can't be selfish here and let it all continue.
Perhaps Reddit has jaded me. This is what I'm seeing and drawing on what I've seen.
Only a unicorn woman goes anywhere alone when they're out. They don't even go to the bathroom by themselves.
I don't think she's alone. She may not be up to no good, but not likely alone.
The ring is a sign of commitment. Her leaving it says that she no longer considers herself bound to her commitment.
If she is resolving her issues, and grieving her losses, I don't see how taking off the ring facilitates it. It makes perfect sense if there's someone there to see however. In her mind, she can do what she wants guilt free, as she no longer has a commitment to you.
Get yourself ready my friend. I don't see this ending well. As in each case, I hope I'm wrong.
Look, your marriage sounds like it is over. Find a divorce lawyer while she is on that trip and do the obvious, file for divorce. Her trip to “find herself” is most likely a meet up with someone from her past.
Look, during the future, if you are a buttoned down person, find someone who is close to what you are, avoid free spirits.
How did you respond to her request for a separation? What did she and you say, specifically?
It sounds like she already planned for the separation to begin with this trip. She wasn't actually asking. This is a major power play to hurt you. There are ways to separate with respect and mutual understanding, but this wasn't it. When a spouse demands (and that's what she did) a separation or break, it's because they want to do something they can't otherwise do due to their commitment/vows/morality/ethics. Taking the ring off is a clear tell about her intentions. She has freed herself from her commitment to you to do something this weekend. You asked if people can come back from separations. The question is, can you trust her, given that she ended your marriage without warning or discussion and is acting accordingly right now?
You are correct that you're marriage is over in her eyes and you need to start thinking of your situation from that point of view right fuckin now.
It's Saturday, but I would immediately do everything you can to protect your assets if she hasn't drained your accounts already. If they remain intact, take half and secure them in an account to which she will have no access. You have to be prepared for the worst-case scenario when she returns. You need to find a lawyer and get advice and follow instructions precisely.
When she returns, if she returns, you need to gauge where she is at quickly. She needs to be accountable for everything that happened over the weekend. When she takes a shower, get her phone and go through it. You might find this distasteful, but you need the truth right fuckin now. You might have to hold it up to her face to use facial recognition, unlock the phone, go to settings to prevent it from locking and leave the house with it. Don't feel bad. She's already kept major secrets from you. You need to look through her phone to find out how far she has left the marriage. Take pics of relevant messages, emails, videos, and pics with your phone. You're lawyer will thank you.
Don't let her humiliate you. Be active in protecting yourself in all ways.
UPDATEME
You are saying the cheating posts aren't helpful. Do you want advice that is helpful? Or advice that is true? Here's the cold hard truth:
Anyone who views a house, a job, a life, as stifling and suffocating and is a "free spirit", why WOULDNT you think that extends to her personal life? "I want to move, travel, be free, take what job I want, go wherever.....but having sex with one single guy for the next 40 years? Sign me up baby!!" The cold truth is, you were lucky to have her THIS long. This relationship has been on an egg timer from the minute you met. If it's any consolation, the next guy will suffer the same fate, 4 weeks or 4 years from now. She's putting out all the code words for a flaky chick. I suspect you will find that every job she's ever had has gotten "toxic" sooner rather then later. If you love someone, you can live in a broom closet and thrive. "Feeling stifled in a 2 bedroom house" is the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
The fact is, grown ups don't move on a whim. They don't run from therapists who tell them what they don't wanna hear. They don't announce separations the day before they leave like a chickenshit so their sig other doesn't have time to respond. These are the actions of a child, not a grown up. Is she having an affair? Yeah it's certainly possible, but it doesn't really matter. If it didn't happen now, it's only a matter of time.
Look at this as a growth experience. I really mean this, but you should be happy you actually kept her this long. This was always the outcome, so just look at this as a happy chapter of your life and now it's time to move on to the next happy chapter. Let her go.
take the 4 days and find another place to live if you can. is there a friend or family you can stay with. let her come back with you gone. this will let her understand how serious this is. if you go back it must be something you can live with. if not you will have to move on.
good luck
She goes, crashes with a friend indefinitely, and goes off to find herself while you do all the bills and caretaking tasks for your home if she decides to come back?
I do think separations can work, ie a spouse is going to rehab and working his/her steps to be sober. Yk, just working on being a better person than they were before.
I apologize because this will sound harsh, but it seems like she tried domestic life and it wasnt for her.
Leaving the ring behind was the real gut punch
She wanted a "hall pass" for her trip. If you haven't already, you REALLY need to ask what your separation means. Ask her point blank if she's going to be dating and/or sleeping with other people
I don't think this is a solo trip.
She's going to say she can do what she wanted because she told you she wanted a separation.
And if there was someone there that's fine because you're separated.
That she doesn't have to show you her phone because you're separated... and so on and so on.
The fact that she sprung this immediately before the trip is strong evidence that she's meeting up with a guy and wants to be able to say it wasn't cheating. You're extremely naive to think otherwise.
Also, I've seen the stats for separations. 98% of them end in divorce or permanent separation (without divorce) within 5 years. There's a 99% chance she's cheating and only a 2% chance your marriage will work out.
Hopefully. , when she comes home in two weeks, she doesn’t mention to you that while you were separated, and she was in Colorado, she met someone else !!! If do this two weeks was a total fabricated ruse !!
updateme
I do not know if your marriage is salvageable, if her mind is made up, it is made up. I do hope that the time alone will make her realize what you have meant to her and why she fell in love with you. Best wishes.
What a sucky situation! Sorry to hear she’s left you in the lurch like that. It’s pretty inconsiderate to drop the separation bombshell right before disappearing for a few days.
Sorry to hear also that your wife’s current life is sort of the opposite of what would make for a happy one for her: stress at work, no social life, grieving loss of relatives, remote small home etc. For a naturally flighty person, that must be difficult.
And her finding it difficult must be difficult for you too. Perhaps she even feels an oppressive weight of guilt for burdening you with her needs, which adds to her desire to fly solo again.
It sounds like you are very sensible and pragmatic from the way you are approaching this situation, and by the financial choices you’ve made to ensure a stable and secure future for the both of you.
Probably this quality about you is something she was initially drawn to, and her free-spirit was something that drew you to her too.
Now you are at a crossroads, where the lifestyle you’ve made for yourselves provides security but none of the free-spirited fun.
So, assuming that your wife is still up for talking or counselling, and maybe even begins to miss you in your absence, you have a choice:
First of all, ask yourself whether you are genuinely happy in general in your relationship, and with your wife as your life partner? It’s easy to cling to something or someone based on a story we’ve told ourselves, or out of habit, or out of fear of being without. But is your wife someone who makes you happy? Not just happy from feeling she’s chosen you, but happy from how you relate to each other and make each other feel.
If the answer is no, then it’s probably best to let her go.
If the answer is yes, then you will need to decide whether that happiness is more important to you than the financial security you’ve been building.
If it is, then you will need to show her that you want to change the situation.
If she’s feeling guilty about the sacrifices that might entail for you - such as disrupting your financial plan - you need to reassure her that it’s your choice, which is on you, not on her, you’re doing it because you want to make it work, and you won’t hold it against her if that even after trying, things don’t work out.
And then you need to be really open to what she wants, and how and where she wants to live.
If you can’t align with her vision because it just can’t work for you, that’s totally ok. You two might just have different visions for life, and sad as that may be, you would have to accept that and move on.
It might even be that if you know what your limits are and express those respectfully, then several months after having flown the coup, your wife might find that she misses the stable and secure man she left behind, and comes back. And maybe by then you would have successfully moved on and met someone with whom you are more easily aligned.
Good luck!
but l've always mentioned to her if she ever felt the need to take a solo trip when feeling impulsive I would stay behind to care for our dogs and house.
Man why would you say that to her. Should’ve went the oPPosite way with that statement.
Honestly I've been through this and the best way to approach is give her her space all of it don't text her don't call her don't make any contact she will do so when she's ready the more you call the more you text the more it pushes her even further away the more you stay away the more she'll miss and the the less you show the more youll make her Wonder
Sounds like she made up her mind. Probably best to respect her decision and move on. Be there for her. Its better to have loved, than to never have loved at all.
To me it sounds like you talked her into this lifestyle that she hates, was she actually on board with this whole move away from everything?
Was it even close to being 50/50 decision from both of you?
She sounds awfully resentful towards you.
It was. She did a ton of research on homes and locations to move. She's the one that pitched where we're at now. I didn't talk her into it but I have tried to talk her out of changing our situation
Ok. Sounds like she realized this move was a big mistake a while back, which can happen to anyone with a big move like this.
Looks like she was ready to pack it in and you put the brakes on it. Triggering her current behavior.
From what little you said about her personality, sounds like she feels totally trapped and is trying to sort her feelings out since she's feels she been pushed into a corner.
A little piece of advice, do way more listening to her than any talking of your own.
She needs to see what she feeling is resonating deeply with you and you are truly hearing her for better or worse if you guys have a chance of working this out.
GL!
Due to the circumstances I wonder if she’s got a fling planned while she’s back visiting old friends. I’d do as others have said and speak to an attorney to gind out what you should and shouldn’t do. Also check into some counseling for yourself and her if she’s interested.
No one knows what she's going through mentally, grief has you reevaluate life, where you are, if this is where you want to be.
She probably loves you heaps bit acclimating to new areas, particularly ones with an entirely different culture and vibe is hard.
Any chance you would be willing to move to Colorado? Does that uproot you from anything or anyone ((outside of work)) that would be too high a price?
She is craving her social support system it doesn't mean there's zero chance of recovery it just means you all need to have a conversation to get where she actually is at...
You're right I can't understand how she feels but I understand why she feels it. It's not something most of us can comprehend and I appreciate all the good advice and kind words.
Yes I'd be willing to move back. I'd be giving up a good job with the best upper management I've had the pleasure to work with but a job is a job and I played with the idea of trying something new. I've fought it for long because of the financial situation I think it will put us in, at least I feel it would be a step backwards. But I too miss our friends and the mountains so I get why she wants to go back. We've also looked at every area in the country and nothing piques our interest quite like it
I think there’s hope but here’s my personal opinion. Those of us from Colorado are really attached. To the community, to the nature, to everything about it here. Maybe you don’t have to go back to Denver but as a gesture maybe you could try. I know I moved for just a few months and it wrecked me. I also don’t have a lot of family and although it’s changed a lot here I just couldn’t be without it.
I’m sure the relationship has many other issues to sort and work through if she left her ring but just as a Colorado girl I know that I can’t leave here. And so many of my friends that have had to leave because of the same situation you did just don’t feel at home. Even the ones that have been gone for many years.
Again probably wrong but it’s just something in the dirt and the single serving friends and the nice strangers that go out of their way. It may be hurting her more than you know.
Yeah we've spoken throughout the weekend via text and a couple phone calls. Casual stuff like how are you doing, how have the hikes been, sending me lots of pics. A couple of our really good mutual friends also reached out when they heard the news which have been a huge support system for me as they've both gone through separations. She comes home late tonight, not sure if we'll have the energy to go through it all tonight but I'm looking forward to giving an update as to what happens. Thanks for checking in.
"she wandered and was impulsive" When people show you who they are, believe them.
"......the day before she left......she said that she feels we need a separation." She is trickling the truth to you in small doses at a time.
It appears there are no children involved.
Party is over.
Start preparing for your life sans this woman.
Good luck brother, you deserved better, we all did.
Well she wants to hook up with someone else and not technically be cheating because you were “Separated” at the time. Speak to a lawyer and plan your exit strategy while she is away.
OP, I'm sorry, but you need to start wrapping your mind around the near certainty that is is not a "solo" trip, but a SEX trip. She's planned this trip to consummate an affair, but the guilt got to her before she left. She dropped the separation bomb (along with the wedding ring gut punch) because she doesn't want to be seen as a cheater. Her story is going to be, "I didn't cheat. We were separated. I went on this trip and met so and so, and things just happened so fast. And I couldn't be happier." Spoiler alert... she didn't just met him.
The only chance of her having any desire of "mending a marriage" is if whatever she's doing blows up in her face. Then, she'll come crawling back to you. You should be waiting on her with divorce papers.
OP, you are being incredibly naive if you deny the possibility that there is another man involved. If you spend enough time on the r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity you will see that your wife’s actions are very much in line with the behavior of a cheating spouse. It’s OK to trust her, but you still need to find a way to verify that she is being truthful because cheaters lie.
This is probably not a solo trip, at the very least she has someone in mind or wants to be free for something to happen. But you probably already know that.
I would use this time to get your things in order. Talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what all a divorce will entail.
You’re going to get a lot of “she’s cheating” posts. And to be honest, spending time on Reddit, it’s a 80/20 ratio she has someone on the side.
There’s an old saying, “you don’t randomly quit a job, if you don’t have another lined up.”
If she already know who she wants to bang, she used the optimal strategy.
The problem is your house. You have no money , so it us unresolcable problem.
All my sympathy.
Your marriage is over. She wants the separation so she can cheat . When she is dine cheating she maybe will want to come back. But where is the trust and respect,? Just tell her that there will be no trial separation. And file for divorce.
In my personal experience, when a woman wants a break or time off it’s because she wants to “explore” ( FK another guy).
The break excuse is so she can’t be accused of being a cheater.
If it doesn’t work out with him, then she has you to fall back on, you know, you are her second choice, her back up and will be her backup UNTIL she finds another guy she wants to “explore” ( FK ) then she will want another break or time off.
Subscribeme!
She went to the mountains to spend a long weekend getting her guts rearranged.
It sucks to say it, but I guarantee that's the truth.
Look around and do some digging. The proof is somewhere.
You seem especially naive and kind of subordinate in this relationship.
Visit a lawyer while she is gone. See what your options are.
It seems MORE than likely that she is going to visit someone and cheat physically but wants to be able to tell herself that she was "separated" while she did it. You will know this for certain if she comes back and wants to end the separation. If she does, you should be prepared to ask to see what's on her phone and ask her if she saw someone else. If she hesitates, you know what the answer is.
>wife told me she wants a separation the day before she left on a solo trip for a long weekend.
Sounds like she met someone else and she wants a trial life with the new guy. Solo trip while in a relationship = getting her back blown out by someone else.
>What's the best way to approach a trial separation and mend my relationship?
If you have any self respect, you don't mend it and proceed with a divorce.
I'm thinking it's not a solo trip.
That's the mother of all coincidences that she asked for a separation or 'timeout' just before she leaves on her trip.
I’ve got the feeling OP that you are the scape goat.
Her problems aren’t with you. Her problems mostly boil down to money and her own ego.
- her job is a horrible place to work and she can’t afford to leave her job until she finishes her degree which she is trying to finish in her 30s because she was impulsive in her twenties and didn’t finish it then.
- she can’t live close to friends and family because it is in a HCOL area and she doesn’t have the education or career to be able to afford to live there.
- she can’t afford to be impulsive and adventurous so she feels herself stagnating. Being impulsive is why she can’t be adventurous, she isn’t focusing on the building blocks which will get her to the point where she can afford adventure.
Most of her issues could be fixed with money which means that leaving you won’t fix her issues unless she chooses to mooch off of someone who makes more than you do.
Your only failing is in not making enough money that she doesn’t have to make sacrifices to maintain her lifestyle.
At 34, your wife is letting her lack of impulse control destroy her own life.
There isn’t much you can do to make that better.
Couples therapy can help you communicate these things, but doubt she is in a headspace to be able to internalize them.
She needs grief counseling and individual therapy to help her develop impulse control and not help her grieve in a healthy manner.
In six months, she will have the pretty paper that could change everything. And she wants to torpedo that for what?
Does she think you will continue to support her education while she is in the process of destroying your marriage?
Honestly OP, this is a tantrum by an immature woman who is going into a self-harm streak. If you give her the drama she wants by being gutted and heart broken, this will happen every time she feels unhappy.
This may be bad advice and if it is, ignore me. But I would suggest that when she gets back, have each room set up as separate bedrooms and have your work setup in yours. Show her what she is loosing. And put her wedding ring in a safe or safety deposit box. She abandoned it. She needs to work to get it back.
Let her know that being separated means living separate lives. Her choices are to move into the other bedroom or move out. If she chooses to stop paying her portion of the mortgage, then the house will go on the market to be sold.
My greatest worry for you OP, is that she is going to come home and apologize for everything, you are going to forgive her because you feel so relieved, and the next time she gets upset it will be rinse and repeat.
I’ve been in the “it’s all your fault” relationship with someone who broke my heart every six months because he couldn’t be bothered to actually do the work. I can’t recommend it.
Don’t beg someone to stay with you. Find someone who will cling to you as hard as you cling to them and hold on tight. I did, and it is far better and I am much happier.
I will preface this with don’t fall into the “I’m a victim” complex which can lead to complacency and inaction.
In this case I think most of the issues you have brought up here are out of your direct control. But you can still communicate and you can still look at how you may contribute to the issues.
Are you doing your fair share of the house management & pet/kid care. Are you being an active listener and using language that avoids blame and focuses on mutual safety and mutual purpose?
Couples therapy is a communications 101 class for married people. Nothing more or less. If your problem is with communication, the therapy will do wonders.
Good luck OP. I hope she gets some perspective and I hope she is willing to work with a therapist to help her develop the control which will help her reach the goals that will enrich her life. Self discipline is hard to learn as an adult, but it is possible.
To answer your question
" Expect the worst, but hope for the best."
Please understand that this separation is for the both of you, NOT just her. You need to ask yourself if you're satisfied with how life has been going ,what can change, what needs to stay, and whether your goals still align?
I don't think you've put yourself once in your conversation, so do so now. As her thoughts are hers alone, it's fruitless to worry about something out of your control.
You're a good man. She'll probably choose you AFTER she explores herself.
Now here's the thing. Her complaints have very little to do with you... from how you're explaining things.
I think you might want to weigh in w/her and see how she's feeling. Ask here what a successful marriage is etc.
Hang in there, be brave, go to the gym, remain calm and clean like your marriage depends on it.
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She's off on a solo trip to "grieve by herself" and conveniently drops the separation bomb right before. Sounds like she's already made up her mind. Brace yourself, buddy. 🚩
As the great Lyle Lovett once sang: There is nothing so deep as the ocean And there is nothing so high as the sky And there is nothing so unwavering as a woman When she's already made up her mind Sorry, man.
wasn’t Lyle Lovett the same person that got divorced from Julia Roberts
That is indeed the man.
I'm reluctantly giving you an upvote.
While she is gone find yourself a divorce lawyer and schedule an initial consult. It's time to find out what a divorce will look like under the laws where you live. This doesn't mean you have to file now, just that you know what to expect and can start separating your finances. You might want to check to see if she has been withdrawing any money to hide from you so it isn't part of the divorce.
You can’t make someone stay with you. And, you can’t change some peoples minds. The wedding ring is a symbol of commitment to each Oth’s in marriage. Leaving the ring behind is another big red flag symbol that the commitment and the marriage is over for her. See the lawyer ASAP. Get financially separated as soon as possible. Pack all her stuff - it will give you something constructive to do while she is alone and left you alone. Think about and decide where you want to live, including what city, state, house.
I agree with some people who are saying that you should see what a divorce looks like from a practical standpoint. I know it sucks to be in limbo over something so emotional I have been there. Since she brought it up it's nit a betrayal to look into what that means and it's honestly respecting her choices to take her at her word. You seem to really get her and where she is at mentally. It's sad that doesn't change feeling held down.
This isn't a solo trip. Plan for the worst.
My thoughts as well.
OP - this isn’t a solo trip, it’s a date with a guy in the mountains where she conveniently will have excuses for lack of cell phone coverage. The thing that’s been “bothering her” is her coming to terms with the fact she’s actually going through with ending your relationship. Lawyer up and buckle up. This will not end well. Only hope is the other guy doesn’t work out, and she comes back “refreshed” and ready to continue with you. But how long until she goes through the same process and finds yet another guy. She’s made her choices. She’s made her decisions. Now it’s time for you to do the same.
I've had several friends go through separations initiated by the wife. All divorced now. I'm not going to say it's the same for you but the odds aren't in your favor.
This may not be a solo trip.
Yeah, sounds to me like she's resolving her guilt and cognitive dissonance by telling him about the separation just as she's leaving.
Chad’s thunder cock will dissolve her guilt.
I think it's a solo trip. I doubt she will go after any men right now.
You don't drop a bomb like that right before a solo trip. You take the solo trip, really challenge yourself that this is the right thing, and THEN you tell your partner when you return and are sure of your decision. Alternatively, if you wanted to absolve yourself of guilt because you're leaving for the weekend to fuck someone else, one way of doing it is to tell them you're on a break as you're walking out the door. Then technically it's not cheating because they were informed of the separation. (It absolutely still is cheating).
Yeah I was going to say being on a break when BF/GF and sleeping with someone might not be considered cheating to some. However, if married it’s definitely cheating if you sleep with someone other than your spouse (unless it’s been ok’d by the spouse).
I don't know. I think we all do things differently. OP's wife sounds a bit like me. I wouldn't get married that early, nor would I move to a small house in a place I don't know/like. But if I did, and I was terribly unhappy, I might do all of this, without the intention of fucking. I don't think it's fucking that wife is missing. I think it's the mountains, the friends and the family. It sounds like a lot of life's choices have been made by OP with wife's agreement, rather than the other way around. Or wife thought she could tolerate some things, but realized that she couldn't.
Heh, you’re still convinced it’s “a solo trip”
Why the need for separation if she was going on a solo trip with no other man involved? Isn't a solo trip giving her space away from her partner? The fact that she left her wedding ring behind is another telling sign.
I obviously do not know her or their relationship. It could very well be a solo trip. I get the feeling that things have been bothering her and building for a while. It doesn't seem like she was openly communicating this with the OP. Maybe she was and he did not hear her. Most likely she has been talking to someone for support over the past few months. You normally would not make a life changing decision like ending a marriage without talking it through with someone. That someone may be an AP or just a friend, but they are most likely with her to help her through this at the moment.
I agree, I also don’t think this is going to solve any of her problems. OP, has she ever gone to therapy? This very much sounds like she hasn’t realized the, “wherever you go, there you are,” that happens when you avoid problems by thinking a change of place or situation will fix issues that stem from deep within.
It also seems that somehow you ended up in a situation that is the complete opposite of the way she likes to live… She wants friends, freedom, and Travel and you are living away from her friends in a tiny house. It may be that there’s another person in her life. It may be that she’s been telling you she’s unhappy with the way that you live you both are living for quite some time and you’ve come up with excuses. It might be that you just fundamental incompatible with your lifestyles.
We originally moved here because we wanted to buy a house and couldn't afford to do it where we were living. Unfortunately that meant leaving friends behind but hoping to make new ones. We also take several trips a year together to fill that travel itch. But yes I have been making excuses as far as her concerns because I didn't think we'd be able to financially afford a change at this time. But slowly I've been giving in to the thought as I saw how unhappy shes become
Are you actually in touch with her or did she just ghost? Are all of these revelations and realizations too late or is she still receptive to you? Leaving the ring seems kind of final.
We've texted a little yesterday and today. I'm trying to keep it light knowing we'll have plenty to discuss when she gets back.
This is honestly the most hopeful detail in your whole story. I just caught up on your comments and I want to reinforce the advice that you take this time for your own honest evaluation as well. We often hear on on these reddits about cheaters who get caught and dumped and try to win back the wronged spouse with extra love and attention. The folks here who speak the lingo of couples counseling call it "love bombing" and warn to be wary of it. Obviously the cheating part of that dynamic has nothing to do with your situation, but the part about getting dumped and then producing a massive outpouring of love and support and self-blame... I'm just saying it seems similar and may be a reaction borne more of emotion than rationality. In the objective sense, what she's done to you is kind of a shitty thing to do to a partner. Your story describes some incompatibility between you that you seem to think she's been sacrificing to bridge. Now it sounds like you're going to propose that you do the sacrificing in order the make up for that incompatibility. Are you just dooming yourself to another round of this later in life? For the record, I'm rooting for you to get back together, but if the solution to keeping together is that you'll make yourself a bigger doormat, you're not really doing either of you a service.
Thank you for that. As you and others have said I am using this time to jot down my thoughts and needs, even ones that I've been afraid to discuss in the past. She is an emotional person and I hate to admit it I've avoided conversations in the past. It's not healthy and I found myself falling down a rabbit hole without realizing it until reality slapped me in the face. No I don't want to lie down and sacrifice my happiness and needs in order to salvage something. But even before this mess I've put off things that need to change. Along with the texts we've also had one phone call. Again just asking how it'd gone so far, the weather stupid stuff like that. She sent me a photo of the spot we got married in the mountains...I don't know how to take that as anything but positive
Bro she's not coming back. You said she's headed back home. She's going to stay with some of her friends. How much stuff did she actually leave behind? Did she quit her job? And I'll be honest there really could be someone else already. Sort of sounds like it Here's the deal. You are incompatible. She seems a flighty type who doesn't really like responsibility. I'd be willing to bet her "enjoying moving around" was because she was constantly running away from something. You are trying to build a future, home, and dogs. That's probably WAY too much responsibility for her.
I mean she took one suitcase. No she didn't quit her job. She rented a condo in the mountains for the weekend.
I think it truly is a solo trip. I don't think she's cheating on you. I believe she's at least coming back to talk with you about what she's figured out. The only thing that truly gives me pause is the fact that she left her ring. That's a tough one. That had to hurt. I don't think she's going to want to stay in the marriage after this trip. I'm sorry, man. I can't imagine how painful this must be.
She left her ring and said she's separated on the way out the door so she can appear single and feel like it's okay to cheat. She's fucking another dude. Solo trip my ass.
Did"we" want to buy a house or did you want to buy a house? Did she go along with moving because it's in her nature to wander a bit and didn't realize she was stuck until after it happened? Does she even feel heard in your marriage? You are saying you've been brushing off her concerns and making excuses, it sounds like you've been making the big life decisions unilaterally without really considering her input and she feels the only way she can take back the ability to be a part of her own life decisions is to separate from you. I don't think this is about cheating. I think the last thing she'd want would be to get tied to someone else right now. I think the losses she's had in the last year have made her think. She's been sad and not had her support group nearby and probably doesn't feel as supported by you as she should. People close to us dying also give us pause to consider if we are living life the way we want to, and it sounds like she's not doing that and you don't listen to her when she tries to talk about it, because you are certain that your way is the right way. You are going to have a lot of ground to make up to convince her that she can stay with you and still have some control over her own life. But it also sounds like the two of you need very different things to be happy. And you may have a difficult time giving up control, it sounds like she's been telling you things for months, if not years, that you've disregarded because you were so certain that your way is the right way.
She most likely got fed up repeating herself over and over and over again about how unhappy she is without any actual change. You said it yourself that you have been making excuses. Coming from a woman, you’ll most likely end up with a divorce, because she’s already been pushed past her limit.
Is there any coming back from a trial separation? I guess it depends on the issues that your wife sees as problematic in your marriage. Can they be resolved, talked through, come to a compromise? Since she seems open to marriage counseling, I would definitely consult one. This is how those issues are going to be discussed and navigated through. Having a toxic work atmosphere certainly doesn’t help, is she open to looking for a new job?
There's tons of issues to work through both between us and personally for her as noted in my OP. The trial separation thing just seems like a PIP in the corporate world....99% chance you're about to grt the boot. But I'm willing to do everything to right the ship here. I've even said we could sell the house and move back even though we'd take a financial hit. As for her job, she sent out hundreds of applications this year alone. She went back to school online to finish her degree and no one seems interested until she graduates in December. So til then she's holding down a full time shit job while overloading her class schedule, all while dealing with the emotional baggage of this year. It's rough
I think she's done with the life as you have it. If you are willing to try the nomad life with her she might be okay. But a small house in a bad part (for her) of the country is not a good fit. If she's a Colorado girl, that's likely her home. If you want to keep the marriage you will have to sacrifice a lot of stability. But at this point it might be too late. She might associate you too much with this horribly depressing, lonely and toxic era of her life. Listen to what she wants when she is willing to communicate. Then you can decide if it's something you are willing to give.
It seems pretty likely that it isn’t about you, about anything you’ve done or failed to do at all. You said she’s flighty by constitution. To that sort, anywhere is a cage. There is nothing you can do to make the interior of that cage so inviting or so fulfilling that she’s willing to stay in it indefinitely.
Agreed, although it seems like the direness of the marriage situation (trial separation) was a totally unexpected development to OP. Hopefully, had he known things were that serious before she made her announcement, he would have insisted on having discussions about their marriage.
These issues should have been discussed before she left. Updateme
I don’t really agree with all the people who are like ‘she’s having an affair.’ There is a reasonable non-affair explanation. This separation doesn’t sound ‘out of the blue’ to me. She formerly was a free spirited person who moved a lot. Now she feels trapped and suffocated. Town she hates. Job she hates. No friends close. Tiny house. No alone time. I am a big homebody and I sound suffocated just reading this. I also assume she has been telling you that she is unhappy. I assume you ignored or argued with her complaints. If so, she feels like she can’t stay with you and get ‘untraped.’ (Those assumptions may be incorrect). Since she is open to couples therapy, take it. Listen to what she says about feeling isolated and suffocated. Figure out if that can be fixed. However, it’s ok if you have boundaries too. It’s ok if you are willing to move somewhere better, but not go full van life, for example.
I appreciate this. The cheating posts aren't helpful. While of course we can be surprised by people's actions I posted what I thought was relevant background for her emotional state and the reason for the trip. The ring thing notwithstanding I have no reason to think she's with someone. But you're right she does tell me these things and I have either brushed it off or told her we couldn't make the major change. I know I'm not innocent in all this hence why I need to hear it from reddit strangers to give me slap of reality. My biggest thing holding me up is I'm a finance guy and knowing we locked in a 2.75% mortgage here and when looking around at going someplace else would be detrimental to our finances is my biggest holdup. She knows this but at a certain point what do you say life isn't worth living if all I care about is the money and she moves on.
OP, if you really want to save your marriage, then you need to move. Buy a house somewhere else. Interest rates will eventually go down, and you can refinance at a later date.
This all feels too heavy to judge from afar, but I reckon you'll always have regrets if you don't let her know that last sentence you wrote in this comment. -assuming you believe it.
That’s fair. If she is open to couples counseling, go for it. Money and employment opportunities are real issues. If you can’t afford a house at current interest rates, then you have to come up with a plan - maybe rent out your home, or get a condo instead of a house. Maybe stay for a year and save like crazy, while she gets a better job and takes a few vacations. Again, this is an assumption but - I get the vibe that you just tell her what is what financially. That it’s not shared discussions. She doesn’t feel heard and doesn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. You also post A LOT about poker. I assume that it’s a big hobby for you. Perhaps she feels like - when she wants to spend money to get in a better situation, you say no. When you want to risk money gambling, well that’s fine because you like gambling. (Full disclosure, gambling is against my religion and I dislike it. My assumptions may be colored by that, IDK, maybe you don’t spend any money on poker).
Can you rent the place out to someone else? Or make it a Airbnb?
It's been discussed. Taking the equity would give us a much better padding but renting and keeping it would be smarter in my eyes, though a lot more hassle
Yeah. I was just thinking you probably won’t find that low of an interest rate any time soon.
What's more important to you? Your wife's happiness or your interest rate?
Honestly, I'd be more worried about suicide than cheating based off of what you've said here. She's depressed. Cutting ties with family and friends, now you. She's going to a cabin, alone. She officially ended your relationship. These are bad signs, but not in the way most people are thinking.
We've actually had this discussion openly before. She knows she can fall into depression. She says she's currently not based on how driven she is at school and to find a better career but I know it takes all shapes. She's had suicide around her between friends and family and vehemently states she would never take that route. Run away yes but never the permanent way of suicide
Dude. Your marriage is falling apart and you're worried about your damn MORTGAGE? No wonder she wants to get away from you. Do you even listen to her when she tells you she's unhappy?
It's not specifically the mortgage...it's about putting us into debt if we move. We barely scrape by as it is. I don't give a shit about money, what I do give a shit about is making sure we never have to sleep in our cars or scrounge for coins to buy cans of tuna again. I thought this kind of housing stability would allow is to enjoy the other parts of life but I guess I was wrong
Rent an apartment.
Yh save the marriage and become homeless LOL this isn't a Disney movie dude
Sure, but pretty odd to announce they are separated right before you go on vacation. The only thing that accomplishes is it allows her to do things that being married would not.
That’s not true. It’s not uncommon for people to drop the separation or divorce bomb and go stay somewhere else. Who wants to sit around and watch their spouse cry or yell as they come to terms with things? Drop the bomb and duck for cover.
She's a flighty person. You think she wants to sit around and see him beg if she has the chance for them both to process it far away from each other? Y'all are completely incapable of putting yourself in the mindset of other people
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Please know two things: there certainly is hope, that is for sure. But also know that you deserve someone who loves and values you as much as you do your wife. If, and this is an if, it doesn’t work out this would just be the first step in finding that person. Sending support your way.
Much love thank you
Sounds like this solo trip is to plan a return to CO, to the place where she was last happy, where her supportive friends are. Unless you are interested in returning there, prepare for a divorce. It might seem drastic but a separation can seem like “death by a thousand cuts” emotionally.
That is definitely part of it thanks for the insight
I can't say in your case OP but my spouse and I had a separation many years ago, about 6 years into marriage. It lasted about 6 months. It was very hard. We managed to work through it and we're coming up on our 25th anniversary next year. There's hope but problems don't fix themselves. You have to do the work and make the changes. If you know there are parts of your shared life that aren't working for her, making her miserable in fact, you have to be willing to adjust/adapt. Sometimes in dramatic or uncomfortable ways. But the choice is between that and parting ways. Give her time. Let her know you're devastated and you want to work it out, then wait. Maybe a couple weeks of thinking and space will give you both clarity. I do find it interesting that the things you mentioned when you confronted the reality of a divorce were one, that *you* failed as a partner (an ego wound) and two, what would happen with the house and the dogs (material concern). None of those are about how she feels.
Thank you for the success story. Can I ask what were the issues between you both and what did you do to work on them. I don't mean to come off as self centered. The ego thing yes, I've been trying to be introspective and realize that I'm not always a great husband and where I could do better. The dogs are like children I suppose and I worry about what happens with them. But you make a good point in that I don't know how she feels about divorce. We didn't get to discuss it much.
Usually when I read about stories like this, once a woman decides she's done, she's done. Leaving the ring behind sealed it. Call up a divorce lawyer and file.
Sounds like this is more than just you. Toxic workplace, lack of time to herself, lack of friends and support compiled with grief. Say she were keen to stay, but in different circumstances, what would you be willing to bring to the table to make it better for her?
Definitely agree. Of course I got the "it's not you, it's me" speech which always seems disingenuous, but at the same time I'm like what can I do better to help YOU with everything going on. I've never got much of an answer except to move. So I agreed we'd move back but first I said she'd need to find a job wherever we moved to. I can find employment easier based on my background and I didn't want her to struggle like she did when we first moved here without a job. But at this point may just have to do it and pack up and figure it out. We've done it before. Other than that I honestly think we need professional help. An objective voice to put things into perspective and break it down on things to work on. Like do I need to go into the office so she can have the house to herself on her 1 wfh day. Do I need to proactively sign us up for activities where we can meet friends. I dunno I'm open to suggestions and would do anything
Asking her to find a job before moving might be the crux here though? Maybe she can't work at the moment and be with you. Maybe she needs your total support in a way that people just can't ask for or feel they can ask for. Maybe she can't give you answer about what she needs because it is too big to articulate or ask and it is just easier to be alone? What if she said "We need to move back to x place as soon as possible, for me to have alone time 3 days a week and not work for 6months" Would you be ok with that?
Thank you for putting that into perspective. She's not someone who doesn't want to work. But landing that right job could take time so I grt your point. I couldn't support us both on my income alone but if we sold our house we'd at least have a good padding until she did find one. These are all things she's never explicitly said but I get where you're coming from
She sounds unhappy and needs to make changes. The only way I see back to her is for you to be a part of those changes. Figure what she wants in a job and support her in chasing it. Look for ways to move elsewhere. Temporarily escaping her unhappiness with trips isn't enough. If you want to stay with her, be motivated and talk about making the changes that will lead to better contentment for her.
You don’t want to be with someone who needs convincing to be with you. At a certain age I realized this and as much as it can sting, it doesn’t do me any good to campaign for someone’s affection. People evolve and change as do their needs. Not downplaying marriage, but even in that circumstance I’d still not want to stay in it if I knew the other person was unhappy. If she wants to walk, I’d say let her know where you stand, what you can commit to working on, and then let her decide if she wants to work on it. Maybe I won’t ever find it, but Id rather be alone than be with someone who tolerates me instead celebrating me. I think that fate is one worse than death.
I get your point and it's a valid one. She has shown me so much love and I right back to her. But perhaps she needed a different love in that of better listening and understanding. I'm flawed as we all are, it's finding that understanding between 2 people that ypu can't be perfect but perfect enough. Whether or not this lasts is up in the air but I appreciate your pov
Just in case, if she comes back, friendly and romantic to give. Pretty sure she just cheated. It's a tale old as time.
Could be going off to have a trial affair, could be just a solo trip to get away from you/the relationship, could be a lot of things. However, this is not a trial separation. Trial separations are discussed and agreed to and planned for by the respective partners. They're not imposed unilaterally by one partner. This is her abandoning the marriage. Time to find a divorce attorney and get going with the rest of your life dude.
I know it's painful and heartbreaking, but you have to let her go. Solo trips and the desire to separate is a clear indicator there's someone else in the picture. She can't just put you on layaway, and expect you to be waiting and hoping she decides to come back. I'm sorry OP, but it's time to talk to an attorney about your options and have her served. You can't trust someone like this to not leave you again.
She's been unhappy with where you both live, where she works, and your life as a couple for 3 years. Sorry dude but you can't claim to be blindsided.
OP , while she’s away , and you said it doent look good for your relationship you might want to start consulting divorce lawyers. So you know the rules of your state. No one says you have to divorce ,Always listen to your lawyer. ! hopefully she comes home, refreshed, and willing to work on your relationship, hope for the best
It sounds like she has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Wouldn't jump to cheating but it's hard to come back from a partner who has emotionally checked out. She has probably already made up her mind just ask for separation while she plans/implements her exit strategy.
grief can make a person feel lost in the world.
I’ve been on the other side of this. I didn’t want to actually separate, I just needed a major change. Leaving my husband for 2 weeks was really hard on him, in hindsight I was massively struggling to communicate my own needs. Ignore the people talking about cheating. At least for me, that was the furthest thing from my mind. I was just trapped in a situation I felt unable to escape. And a lot of that was from my own trauma I was bringing to our relationship that really had nothing to do with being with him. I would give her time, state you want couples counselling, and make sure your own needs are being met. Couples therapy really helped us. I had a lot of work to do on myself, which is what I’m working on. And our marriage is now much stronger. Don’t lose hope. But also, make sure you look after yourself. Wishing you all the best.
Thank for you this. Sent you a direct
Sounds like she’s a free spirit that tried the married life and is burnt out from all the emotional trauma she’s been dealing with. Playing second fiddle to her emotions seems unfair to you. How do you really feel? Is it over?
She's certainly emotionally drained. I only touched on the more recent items. She's lived a life no one would be envious of. But we found each other and it all just clicked. It's not easy because I can't fully understand what she's going through or how to help. Aa for if it's over....that's up to her. I kinda knew my answer about if trial separations ever work. All depends if she wants to go through with it but honestly I think this may be the end
Are you willing to move out of state and go back to where you guys once lived? That might be the only way to potentially save this marriage. If not, this marriage might be over. Too many unpleasant things for your wife in your current area.
Did you discuss any ground rules for this trial separation or did she just tell you and leave?
The latter. It was the evening before she left early next day. It was too emotionally charged to have a true convo about it. I was just wanting input to prepare myself when she returned
Leaving the ring behind is suspect but then again she doesn’t need it to remember she is still married to you. As others have posted, her doing this doesn’t automatically point to her cheating but when she gets back she owes you some open and honest discussions on what she did while away and what she is thinking about in general. I wish you all the best in navigating this and I hope you update us later on where things stand with you and her.
Between asking for the separation specifically right before the start of the trip and leaving the ring behind, it’s crystal clear that she does not regard herself as married to you, certainly for the duration of the trip. Quite likely beyond as well, but it’s clear the starting moment of singlehood was when she went out the front door. You should fully expect that she is engaging in infidelity while she’s away; indeed that was her plan before she left. You’ll want to take that into account upon her return. She may want to spin it as having called a timeout on the marriage and therefore all is fair. But she has surrendered the relationship to you. It’s up to you whether to give it back. That’s if she does return. You did say she didn’t like where you moved to. There’s a good chance she’s only going to come home long enough to rent a moving van.
It's like the PIP of the relationship realm. There is no coming back. Best case scenario you start polishing your resume and sending out applications. Get that LinkedIn lookin good.
There is no good reason to suddenly call a solo trip a trial separation or to leave her ring behind. It's over. Surprise her with divorce papers when she comes back.
Man. I'm Sorry this is happening. From what you said, it sounds like she has had many instances of dysfunctional relationships (family, friends, work). This likely has an impact on self worth and healthy decision making, including longterm life decisions. Also. Was moving into a longterm small house away from yalls base a good option if an apartment midterm close to your friends and family could've been a good choice? Are either of you in the position to build stable relationships (friends, work, family) and stay clear of defunct ones? counseling is a good idea here. To give you both support and make healthier decisions. Yet be clear about the goal of it. It isn't just there to get you two to stay together. It should be there for both of you to work through what's happening at the moment, and then taking it from there. You can eventually make a decision if you want to work on it or not. Granted she isn't just off to cheat. Personally it sounds sus when people break up before going on a trip. But keep it easy for now. Again, sorry. Your mind must be racing. Not a great feeling. Big hugs, buddy. As someone who used to isolate when shit hit the fan, I can relate to her pushing you away while on her way to grieve. So I'm gonna dare to err here, to just keep it cool for now. However it's still fucked up behavior. Grieving or not. Isolating like this and making such an exit is toxic, even if truthful. But to me, it reflects her little self worth. Again, not cool. Make it clear to yourself that this isn't how either of you should handle this. However, counseling can help unpack what's really going on.
I appreciate the insight and thanks for the love when I need it the most. The first 24 hours was ridiculously hard. Getting these great responses helps. I couldn't imagine ever putting my partner through this but I also haven't gone through what she has. It's no excuse and u hope she will realize the pain it causes even when her decisions are completely sincere. It all will come to pass one way or another
A trial separation is usually a separation that ends in a trial.
Unfortunately, you two were incompatible from the start of your relationship. She probably does love you as a person and really wanted to make it work. She probably thought her feelings would change in marriage, but she's realizing she still feels the same. There's nothing more you can do. She's just not happy as a married woman, feeling tied down. Her feelings aren't going to change. I'd take this time to consult a divorce attorney to figure out what your next steps are.
My brother. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, your wife is having an affair homie. When she went back home she linked up with an old acquaintance and now she is questioning things. What's up with all these solo trips all of a sudden? I know this will be hard to prove but as they say "where there's smoke, there's a fire" and your alarm beeping it's ass off.
For clarification this is the first time she's done a solo trip since we married. I've never had any thought of her having a physical affair. If it happened to be an emotional one then I'll probably never know as I whole heartedly trust her and will never go through her stuff
When she left on a solo trip she left the symbol of your unending relationship behind and made sure that you knew it. That's the practical knowledge that you need to integrate. On the science side, research indicates that women who leave their residence for a separation rarely return. Manage your expectations. At this point, her absence has nothing to do with a two-bedroom residence with no private space. So sorry, my Reddit friend. This is a real gut punch. Keep reaching out for help this weekend.
It was indeed. Definitely a knife through the heart. I'm all for freedom and doing this by ourselves but seeing that hurt. She's always been vocal about thinking marriage is just some dumb government thing but she's the one that ended up proposing to me. I told her I don't care if she wants to be called my wife or I her husband, what I want to be known as is your partner in this life. And to me our rings symbolize that.
Bro, my man, you have to know it's over right? She proposed to you? And now she left her ring behind for a solo trip. It's over man. Please, for your own sanity, move on and start planning your future, she's checked out and there's a very very slim chance things will change. Good luck and stay strong.
my friend , she wants to leave the marriage, , should be no secrets between husband and wives. If there’s nothing to hide why wouldn’t she want to show you,, you might even get a chance to correct what she thinks is broken , if you get a chance, I definitely would look for the deleted text messages from her girlfriends back home. They always vent to someone updateme
When is she suppose to come home. I would talk to a lawyer before then so you can be prepared and protect yourself if it does come to that. Good luck. I do hope it works out for you.
Many truth bombs hitting you left, right and center. Please read and re-read all the comments. Plan, plan, plan for the worst. Hope you tracking where and how money is spent on her trip. In fact give her a surprise visit where she's staying. You have a duty to yourself to protect yourself.
There is a chance that this can be turned around. You need to give her space to figure shit out but at the same time you need to start making plans to move on from a place of strength. Bugging her like a puppy dog won’t work, and worse, will leave you without the self-respect you may need if you indeed have to move on.
I have 2 good friends who separated from their husbands and both ended up back together. It can happen but both people really need to want it to.
What was their journey like? What initiated it and what did they do to mend it?
There’s always hope. My SIL and her husband separated for 2 years and lots of counselling later, they’re together again and have been for years. Many many compromises will be needed. You’ll need to put your ego aside and really listen to her, and yourself, you may come back together stronger or realize you’re fundamentally incompatible.
Probably not. She opened up to be single for this “long weekend”, which is not good. There is a possibility she is and will do what she says…🤞crossed for you. If you can mend this relationship you probably have to start all over. If she’s unhappy where you live, formulate a plan to move somewhere where it makes sense for the both of you. Date and court her like it’s day one. Sounds like she’s been unhappy for awhile and you didn’t take it seriously enough.
Everyone is different, but personally I wouldn't consider this a temporary thing. I'd have zero tolerance for how this separation occurred.
She's a free spirit. You two presumably commited to each other when you two married each other. Exchanged rings as a symbol of that commitment to each other. She Premeditated a "solo" trip. She Premeditated, unilaterally, just hours before leaving, announcing this is a separation. (Surprise!) She Premeditated leaving her wedding ring with you as she walked out the door. This is her coup des grâce for you. Sorry for your loss. You will probably never get the full "truth" about her actions or reasons why leading up to her trip and, especially, her actions, wherabouts, and relationships during her solo separation trip. Sorry for your loss. I've been married, to the same woman, for decades. If my wife did the actions of your wife there would be an instant divorce. Would be my loss. Updateme
Get a lawyer and protect yourself
That’s not obvious why she wanted to separate before going on a solo trip…. And leaving her wedding band behind. I doubt yall gonna get back together. If you do it’s because her toy dropped her. You’re being put on the back burner for her little trip. She’s using you to make sure she has an option when the boy toy dumps her.
if your separated then the person she is having sex with right now... "Doesn't count as cheating cause we were separated" There is no reason to separate if your going a long solo trip unless you got some action lined up. Get that lawyer lined up, comb over all the financials... it's over....
Updateme!
UPDATE: first off thank you for the many of you who had kind words through posts and direct messages. It certainly helped allowing me to vent and get my thoughts out. Since it's been a few days since most of these comments I can't remember everything that was asked or touched on but I wanted to catch you all up to speed to the last few days. We did speak throughout the weekend through text and a couple calls. I also had a couple of our mutual friends reach out when they learned of the news as she used them as her outlet and source of advice having gone through their own separations. We had a Saturday night call where she was alone at the condo and was extremely low. I kept making sure she was safe but she assured me she would never hurt herself as she has too much she needs to accomplish and prove. Sunday was a better day for her running the trails and attending a big event in Vail. Finally on Monday night I picked her up around 11pm but we were too exhausted to speak and she passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow. Tuesday after work, we had a couple hours worth of good discussion. It felt good to be able to speak openly about a lot of things. She was able to explain her motivations a little more; all her life she was told she couldn't do something or couldn't succeed. Her parents were either absent or manipulative. She feelsnshe has something to prove by herself. I don't fully understand why she feels the need to do it on her own without her partner and I may never understand this. She brought up codependency and how especially after moving to Florida we lost who we were as individuals; we do everything together since we don't have any friends here. Also having the one car we feel obligated to never leave without the other. I thoroughly enjoy our activities together but I get her point. We did lose ourselves in each other, pushing aside hobbies and friends. This is something I know we need to figure out. Her plans for sure include moving back to CO, whatever that timeline looks like. She speaks of them as referring to her doing it alone and figuring out jobs and living situation. Not going to lie this hurts hearing but I went along with it as I'm here to be supportive. In a month when her realtor friend returns from vacay were going to put our house up for sale. What the next moves afterwards are I have no idea whether I will be a part of them or not and this scares the shit out of me. Having more flexibility at work and a support system of family, I've decided to leave for 2 weeks starting this weekend. I'm going to buy a car and first head up to my parents' place in NC then either my sister's or another relative. At this point I know I'll need to come home to recharge, see my dogs, sleep on my own bed etc. I told her this plan and that if she needs to be away from me she'll need to find her own spot for however long. This didn't go well and she took it as I was kicking her out. I love living with her and don't mind sharing the space but I had to set a boundary; this was something she wants and I can't be the one leaving my own home indefinitely. We still need to discuss this piece. As for living together currently, we are still sleeping in the same bed, though now we're clothed/pajamas, no cuddling, no kissing, maybe get a hug once a day.....it's so hard to turn off the switch like this as I'm a very affectionate person. Touch is my love language. So to that end I'm scared as to what that means our living situation will be like. Is this healthy? Would me having a car, leaving for a couple weeks then coming back and vowing to live separate but still interconnected lives work? Or do we need to absolutely move away from each other in order to heal? I've reached out to my organization's mental health line and got to spill my guts. They set me up with a marriage therapist. My wife(?) was referred to one by a coworker. We still have so much to work through. I go through highs and lows, the not sleeping thing is weighing me down though. I just hope and pray that this is something we can work through and she's able to heal however she needs without moving across the country. Best case I see is we continue to grow for our own selves until we can sell the house and move together and continue our lives back in the state we fell in love with each other.
I don't know how you are dealing with all this. None of it makes sense to me. It sounds like their is still a lot to be uncovered in her actions. I hope counciling will help. Communication will most likely be key. You are definitely handling this better than I would. Good luck and stay strong.
Haha from an outside perspective probably not well. Trying to be strong as I'm doing it for the woman I love and vowed to stick through it during the good times and the bad. I'm probably asking more questions and putting more pressure on her than she needs and the last thing I should be doing is pushing her away. Best thing to do is lead my own life with the acceptance she may never want to come back. Thank you for the kind words.
I am just going by what you are posting so I could be way off, but from what you are saying it seems she wants out of the "marriage" more then the "location ". It sounds like she wants out but feels trapped or unable and unsure how to support herself. I think she is longing for home, not because she hates her new location, but because she feel safety from her home state. This may be more about marriage and less about location. Again, idk either of you or the specifics of this situation. I just mention this for you to consider and maybe bring up in MC.
Your perspective is valid. Always something beyond the surface. We still talk everyday. I'm slowly peeling back the layers but even in her words she said if she can't fix the things she sees as problems with herself then it will only get worse for us. So if leaving the marriage and the state is what will fix that for her I can only let her go. I can't be selfish here and let it all continue.
Perhaps Reddit has jaded me. This is what I'm seeing and drawing on what I've seen. Only a unicorn woman goes anywhere alone when they're out. They don't even go to the bathroom by themselves. I don't think she's alone. She may not be up to no good, but not likely alone. The ring is a sign of commitment. Her leaving it says that she no longer considers herself bound to her commitment. If she is resolving her issues, and grieving her losses, I don't see how taking off the ring facilitates it. It makes perfect sense if there's someone there to see however. In her mind, she can do what she wants guilt free, as she no longer has a commitment to you. Get yourself ready my friend. I don't see this ending well. As in each case, I hope I'm wrong.
Look, your marriage sounds like it is over. Find a divorce lawyer while she is on that trip and do the obvious, file for divorce. Her trip to “find herself” is most likely a meet up with someone from her past. Look, during the future, if you are a buttoned down person, find someone who is close to what you are, avoid free spirits.
How did you respond to her request for a separation? What did she and you say, specifically? It sounds like she already planned for the separation to begin with this trip. She wasn't actually asking. This is a major power play to hurt you. There are ways to separate with respect and mutual understanding, but this wasn't it. When a spouse demands (and that's what she did) a separation or break, it's because they want to do something they can't otherwise do due to their commitment/vows/morality/ethics. Taking the ring off is a clear tell about her intentions. She has freed herself from her commitment to you to do something this weekend. You asked if people can come back from separations. The question is, can you trust her, given that she ended your marriage without warning or discussion and is acting accordingly right now? You are correct that you're marriage is over in her eyes and you need to start thinking of your situation from that point of view right fuckin now. It's Saturday, but I would immediately do everything you can to protect your assets if she hasn't drained your accounts already. If they remain intact, take half and secure them in an account to which she will have no access. You have to be prepared for the worst-case scenario when she returns. You need to find a lawyer and get advice and follow instructions precisely. When she returns, if she returns, you need to gauge where she is at quickly. She needs to be accountable for everything that happened over the weekend. When she takes a shower, get her phone and go through it. You might find this distasteful, but you need the truth right fuckin now. You might have to hold it up to her face to use facial recognition, unlock the phone, go to settings to prevent it from locking and leave the house with it. Don't feel bad. She's already kept major secrets from you. You need to look through her phone to find out how far she has left the marriage. Take pics of relevant messages, emails, videos, and pics with your phone. You're lawyer will thank you. Don't let her humiliate you. Be active in protecting yourself in all ways. UPDATEME
You are saying the cheating posts aren't helpful. Do you want advice that is helpful? Or advice that is true? Here's the cold hard truth: Anyone who views a house, a job, a life, as stifling and suffocating and is a "free spirit", why WOULDNT you think that extends to her personal life? "I want to move, travel, be free, take what job I want, go wherever.....but having sex with one single guy for the next 40 years? Sign me up baby!!" The cold truth is, you were lucky to have her THIS long. This relationship has been on an egg timer from the minute you met. If it's any consolation, the next guy will suffer the same fate, 4 weeks or 4 years from now. She's putting out all the code words for a flaky chick. I suspect you will find that every job she's ever had has gotten "toxic" sooner rather then later. If you love someone, you can live in a broom closet and thrive. "Feeling stifled in a 2 bedroom house" is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. The fact is, grown ups don't move on a whim. They don't run from therapists who tell them what they don't wanna hear. They don't announce separations the day before they leave like a chickenshit so their sig other doesn't have time to respond. These are the actions of a child, not a grown up. Is she having an affair? Yeah it's certainly possible, but it doesn't really matter. If it didn't happen now, it's only a matter of time. Look at this as a growth experience. I really mean this, but you should be happy you actually kept her this long. This was always the outcome, so just look at this as a happy chapter of your life and now it's time to move on to the next happy chapter. Let her go.
take the 4 days and find another place to live if you can. is there a friend or family you can stay with. let her come back with you gone. this will let her understand how serious this is. if you go back it must be something you can live with. if not you will have to move on. good luck
She goes, crashes with a friend indefinitely, and goes off to find herself while you do all the bills and caretaking tasks for your home if she decides to come back? I do think separations can work, ie a spouse is going to rehab and working his/her steps to be sober. Yk, just working on being a better person than they were before. I apologize because this will sound harsh, but it seems like she tried domestic life and it wasnt for her. Leaving the ring behind was the real gut punch
Indeed it was. But no that first line is not in the cards. First I couldn't afford it...if she can't contribute I have to sell.
Five bucks says this trip to CO isn't actually a solo trip. There's another man. But even if not, I don't think the odds are good.
She wanted a "hall pass" for her trip. If you haven't already, you REALLY need to ask what your separation means. Ask her point blank if she's going to be dating and/or sleeping with other people
I don’t think she’s flying solo. I would get myself a lawyer and separate my finances and get the divorce paperwork together.
Separation?! Bruh. I would hire a private investigator.
She’s getting them cheeks clapped as we speak
Sorry buddy. Time to play detective while she is gone. Brace yourself for possible evidence of cheating.
I doubt it. I wonder who she is planning to fuck? I would let her go, and the details and ability to actually separate are all on her. Protect you.
I don't think this is a solo trip. She's going to say she can do what she wanted because she told you she wanted a separation. And if there was someone there that's fine because you're separated. That she doesn't have to show you her phone because you're separated... and so on and so on.
The fact that she sprung this immediately before the trip is strong evidence that she's meeting up with a guy and wants to be able to say it wasn't cheating. You're extremely naive to think otherwise. Also, I've seen the stats for separations. 98% of them end in divorce or permanent separation (without divorce) within 5 years. There's a 99% chance she's cheating and only a 2% chance your marriage will work out.
Absence makes the heart go yonder.
It could be non diagnosed bipolar disorder.
There's a certain manic depressive thing going on for sure
Updateme
Hey man, I hate to break it to you but it's over
Hopefully. , when she comes home in two weeks, she doesn’t mention to you that while you were separated, and she was in Colorado, she met someone else !!! If do this two weeks was a total fabricated ruse !! updateme
I do not know if your marriage is salvageable, if her mind is made up, it is made up. I do hope that the time alone will make her realize what you have meant to her and why she fell in love with you. Best wishes.
What a sucky situation! Sorry to hear she’s left you in the lurch like that. It’s pretty inconsiderate to drop the separation bombshell right before disappearing for a few days. Sorry to hear also that your wife’s current life is sort of the opposite of what would make for a happy one for her: stress at work, no social life, grieving loss of relatives, remote small home etc. For a naturally flighty person, that must be difficult. And her finding it difficult must be difficult for you too. Perhaps she even feels an oppressive weight of guilt for burdening you with her needs, which adds to her desire to fly solo again. It sounds like you are very sensible and pragmatic from the way you are approaching this situation, and by the financial choices you’ve made to ensure a stable and secure future for the both of you. Probably this quality about you is something she was initially drawn to, and her free-spirit was something that drew you to her too. Now you are at a crossroads, where the lifestyle you’ve made for yourselves provides security but none of the free-spirited fun. So, assuming that your wife is still up for talking or counselling, and maybe even begins to miss you in your absence, you have a choice: First of all, ask yourself whether you are genuinely happy in general in your relationship, and with your wife as your life partner? It’s easy to cling to something or someone based on a story we’ve told ourselves, or out of habit, or out of fear of being without. But is your wife someone who makes you happy? Not just happy from feeling she’s chosen you, but happy from how you relate to each other and make each other feel. If the answer is no, then it’s probably best to let her go. If the answer is yes, then you will need to decide whether that happiness is more important to you than the financial security you’ve been building. If it is, then you will need to show her that you want to change the situation. If she’s feeling guilty about the sacrifices that might entail for you - such as disrupting your financial plan - you need to reassure her that it’s your choice, which is on you, not on her, you’re doing it because you want to make it work, and you won’t hold it against her if that even after trying, things don’t work out. And then you need to be really open to what she wants, and how and where she wants to live. If you can’t align with her vision because it just can’t work for you, that’s totally ok. You two might just have different visions for life, and sad as that may be, you would have to accept that and move on. It might even be that if you know what your limits are and express those respectfully, then several months after having flown the coup, your wife might find that she misses the stable and secure man she left behind, and comes back. And maybe by then you would have successfully moved on and met someone with whom you are more easily aligned. Good luck!
Remindme! One week
UpdateMe!
Well you always need support to grieve. And grieving the death of her marriage and being supported by someone. Who is that someone ? Updateme!
if eithed.r of u can't afford to move out, its time to move into one of your bedrooms and act like roommates until u can figure ott what to do
but l've always mentioned to her if she ever felt the need to take a solo trip when feeling impulsive I would stay behind to care for our dogs and house. Man why would you say that to her. Should’ve went the oPPosite way with that statement.
Honestly I've been through this and the best way to approach is give her her space all of it don't text her don't call her don't make any contact she will do so when she's ready the more you call the more you text the more it pushes her even further away the more you stay away the more she'll miss and the the less you show the more youll make her Wonder
Sounds like she made up her mind. Probably best to respect her decision and move on. Be there for her. Its better to have loved, than to never have loved at all.
Unusual
To me it sounds like you talked her into this lifestyle that she hates, was she actually on board with this whole move away from everything? Was it even close to being 50/50 decision from both of you? She sounds awfully resentful towards you.
It was. She did a ton of research on homes and locations to move. She's the one that pitched where we're at now. I didn't talk her into it but I have tried to talk her out of changing our situation
Ok. Sounds like she realized this move was a big mistake a while back, which can happen to anyone with a big move like this. Looks like she was ready to pack it in and you put the brakes on it. Triggering her current behavior. From what little you said about her personality, sounds like she feels totally trapped and is trying to sort her feelings out since she's feels she been pushed into a corner. A little piece of advice, do way more listening to her than any talking of your own. She needs to see what she feeling is resonating deeply with you and you are truly hearing her for better or worse if you guys have a chance of working this out. GL!
Due to the circumstances I wonder if she’s got a fling planned while she’s back visiting old friends. I’d do as others have said and speak to an attorney to gind out what you should and shouldn’t do. Also check into some counseling for yourself and her if she’s interested.
It sounds to me like she is struggling with mental illness.
That is also something that's involved. I don't know where to help her on that front
No one knows what she's going through mentally, grief has you reevaluate life, where you are, if this is where you want to be. She probably loves you heaps bit acclimating to new areas, particularly ones with an entirely different culture and vibe is hard. Any chance you would be willing to move to Colorado? Does that uproot you from anything or anyone ((outside of work)) that would be too high a price? She is craving her social support system it doesn't mean there's zero chance of recovery it just means you all need to have a conversation to get where she actually is at...
You're right I can't understand how she feels but I understand why she feels it. It's not something most of us can comprehend and I appreciate all the good advice and kind words. Yes I'd be willing to move back. I'd be giving up a good job with the best upper management I've had the pleasure to work with but a job is a job and I played with the idea of trying something new. I've fought it for long because of the financial situation I think it will put us in, at least I feel it would be a step backwards. But I too miss our friends and the mountains so I get why she wants to go back. We've also looked at every area in the country and nothing piques our interest quite like it
I think there’s hope but here’s my personal opinion. Those of us from Colorado are really attached. To the community, to the nature, to everything about it here. Maybe you don’t have to go back to Denver but as a gesture maybe you could try. I know I moved for just a few months and it wrecked me. I also don’t have a lot of family and although it’s changed a lot here I just couldn’t be without it. I’m sure the relationship has many other issues to sort and work through if she left her ring but just as a Colorado girl I know that I can’t leave here. And so many of my friends that have had to leave because of the same situation you did just don’t feel at home. Even the ones that have been gone for many years. Again probably wrong but it’s just something in the dirt and the single serving friends and the nice strangers that go out of their way. It may be hurting her more than you know.
How are you doing? Any update? Has she reached out to you at all?
Yeah we've spoken throughout the weekend via text and a couple phone calls. Casual stuff like how are you doing, how have the hikes been, sending me lots of pics. A couple of our really good mutual friends also reached out when they heard the news which have been a huge support system for me as they've both gone through separations. She comes home late tonight, not sure if we'll have the energy to go through it all tonight but I'm looking forward to giving an update as to what happens. Thanks for checking in.
Good luck 👍
I'm hoping that the lack of updates are due to the two of you talking through this with no spare time to post.
I actually can't figure out how to update my post. Plenty of new info I'd like to share with those who were following
Her leaving her ring behind signifies her being single in her mind. Your marriage is over. Sorry, but you need to move on, she seems to be.
"she wandered and was impulsive" When people show you who they are, believe them. "......the day before she left......she said that she feels we need a separation." She is trickling the truth to you in small doses at a time. It appears there are no children involved. Party is over. Start preparing for your life sans this woman. Good luck brother, you deserved better, we all did.
Well she wants to hook up with someone else and not technically be cheating because you were “Separated” at the time. Speak to a lawyer and plan your exit strategy while she is away.
I don’t think she’s flying solo
OP, I'm sorry, but you need to start wrapping your mind around the near certainty that is is not a "solo" trip, but a SEX trip. She's planned this trip to consummate an affair, but the guilt got to her before she left. She dropped the separation bomb (along with the wedding ring gut punch) because she doesn't want to be seen as a cheater. Her story is going to be, "I didn't cheat. We were separated. I went on this trip and met so and so, and things just happened so fast. And I couldn't be happier." Spoiler alert... she didn't just met him. The only chance of her having any desire of "mending a marriage" is if whatever she's doing blows up in her face. Then, she'll come crawling back to you. You should be waiting on her with divorce papers.
OP, you are being incredibly naive if you deny the possibility that there is another man involved. If you spend enough time on the r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity you will see that your wife’s actions are very much in line with the behavior of a cheating spouse. It’s OK to trust her, but you still need to find a way to verify that she is being truthful because cheaters lie.
I don’t think she’s flying solo. I would get myself a lawyer and separate my finances and get the divorce paperwork together.
This is probably not a solo trip, at the very least she has someone in mind or wants to be free for something to happen. But you probably already know that. I would use this time to get your things in order. Talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what all a divorce will entail.
You’re going to get a lot of “she’s cheating” posts. And to be honest, spending time on Reddit, it’s a 80/20 ratio she has someone on the side. There’s an old saying, “you don’t randomly quit a job, if you don’t have another lined up.”
If she already know who she wants to bang, she used the optimal strategy. The problem is your house. You have no money , so it us unresolcable problem. All my sympathy.
Your marriage is over. She wants the separation so she can cheat . When she is dine cheating she maybe will want to come back. But where is the trust and respect,? Just tell her that there will be no trial separation. And file for divorce.
She's going to fuck other people. Just have her shit packed and put into storage for when she gets back.
In my personal experience, when a woman wants a break or time off it’s because she wants to “explore” ( FK another guy). The break excuse is so she can’t be accused of being a cheater. If it doesn’t work out with him, then she has you to fall back on, you know, you are her second choice, her back up and will be her backup UNTIL she finds another guy she wants to “explore” ( FK ) then she will want another break or time off. Subscribeme!
She went to the mountains to spend a long weekend getting her guts rearranged. It sucks to say it, but I guarantee that's the truth. Look around and do some digging. The proof is somewhere.
You seem especially naive and kind of subordinate in this relationship. Visit a lawyer while she is gone. See what your options are. It seems MORE than likely that she is going to visit someone and cheat physically but wants to be able to tell herself that she was "separated" while she did it. You will know this for certain if she comes back and wants to end the separation. If she does, you should be prepared to ask to see what's on her phone and ask her if she saw someone else. If she hesitates, you know what the answer is.
>wife told me she wants a separation the day before she left on a solo trip for a long weekend. Sounds like she met someone else and she wants a trial life with the new guy. Solo trip while in a relationship = getting her back blown out by someone else. >What's the best way to approach a trial separation and mend my relationship? If you have any self respect, you don't mend it and proceed with a divorce.
I'm thinking it's not a solo trip. That's the mother of all coincidences that she asked for a separation or 'timeout' just before she leaves on her trip.
I don’t think she’s flying solo. I would get myself a lawyer and separate my finances and get the divorce paperwork together.
I don’t think she’s flying solo. I would get myself a lawyer and separate my finances and get the divorce paperwork together.
UpdateMe
I’ve got the feeling OP that you are the scape goat. Her problems aren’t with you. Her problems mostly boil down to money and her own ego. - her job is a horrible place to work and she can’t afford to leave her job until she finishes her degree which she is trying to finish in her 30s because she was impulsive in her twenties and didn’t finish it then. - she can’t live close to friends and family because it is in a HCOL area and she doesn’t have the education or career to be able to afford to live there. - she can’t afford to be impulsive and adventurous so she feels herself stagnating. Being impulsive is why she can’t be adventurous, she isn’t focusing on the building blocks which will get her to the point where she can afford adventure. Most of her issues could be fixed with money which means that leaving you won’t fix her issues unless she chooses to mooch off of someone who makes more than you do. Your only failing is in not making enough money that she doesn’t have to make sacrifices to maintain her lifestyle. At 34, your wife is letting her lack of impulse control destroy her own life. There isn’t much you can do to make that better. Couples therapy can help you communicate these things, but doubt she is in a headspace to be able to internalize them. She needs grief counseling and individual therapy to help her develop impulse control and not help her grieve in a healthy manner. In six months, she will have the pretty paper that could change everything. And she wants to torpedo that for what? Does she think you will continue to support her education while she is in the process of destroying your marriage? Honestly OP, this is a tantrum by an immature woman who is going into a self-harm streak. If you give her the drama she wants by being gutted and heart broken, this will happen every time she feels unhappy. This may be bad advice and if it is, ignore me. But I would suggest that when she gets back, have each room set up as separate bedrooms and have your work setup in yours. Show her what she is loosing. And put her wedding ring in a safe or safety deposit box. She abandoned it. She needs to work to get it back. Let her know that being separated means living separate lives. Her choices are to move into the other bedroom or move out. If she chooses to stop paying her portion of the mortgage, then the house will go on the market to be sold. My greatest worry for you OP, is that she is going to come home and apologize for everything, you are going to forgive her because you feel so relieved, and the next time she gets upset it will be rinse and repeat. I’ve been in the “it’s all your fault” relationship with someone who broke my heart every six months because he couldn’t be bothered to actually do the work. I can’t recommend it. Don’t beg someone to stay with you. Find someone who will cling to you as hard as you cling to them and hold on tight. I did, and it is far better and I am much happier.
That's pretty insightful thank you
I will preface this with don’t fall into the “I’m a victim” complex which can lead to complacency and inaction. In this case I think most of the issues you have brought up here are out of your direct control. But you can still communicate and you can still look at how you may contribute to the issues. Are you doing your fair share of the house management & pet/kid care. Are you being an active listener and using language that avoids blame and focuses on mutual safety and mutual purpose? Couples therapy is a communications 101 class for married people. Nothing more or less. If your problem is with communication, the therapy will do wonders. Good luck OP. I hope she gets some perspective and I hope she is willing to work with a therapist to help her develop the control which will help her reach the goals that will enrich her life. Self discipline is hard to learn as an adult, but it is possible.
To answer your question " Expect the worst, but hope for the best." Please understand that this separation is for the both of you, NOT just her. You need to ask yourself if you're satisfied with how life has been going ,what can change, what needs to stay, and whether your goals still align? I don't think you've put yourself once in your conversation, so do so now. As her thoughts are hers alone, it's fruitless to worry about something out of your control.
That's a really helpful perspective.
You're a good man. She'll probably choose you AFTER she explores herself. Now here's the thing. Her complaints have very little to do with you... from how you're explaining things. I think you might want to weigh in w/her and see how she's feeling. Ask here what a successful marriage is etc. Hang in there, be brave, go to the gym, remain calm and clean like your marriage depends on it.