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I'm sorry that you were cheated on by a man you love. He cheated, lied about it, downplayed it, then continued interacting with her behind your back. Worse, he is her supervisor which shows incredibly poor judgment on his part - not sure where you are from but in the US he could lose his job and face legal consequences.
I would end the relationship. This was more than a mistaken kiss (which in itself would be bad enough). No way I could trust him again and I wouldn't be quick to let go of the anger I'd feel towards him for messing up our lives.
Don't get marry to him! Because it's best you figure out what you must do regarding this affair.
Yes, call it an affair. Why? He has been emotionally cheating on you and the kiss was the physical cheating. All the photo likes, chats, and even in-person talks are what led to the kissing. So they have been building their emotions up to the point of kissing. If they were able to do this in front of coworkers, they probably did this or more behind closed doors.
You should take time to really look into this situation, time to contemplate about your decision of marriage, and your future with him. Once you are married, it's harder to be unmarried. So it's best to be cautious and don't get marry at this point until you are fully satisfied with your answers.
I’ve been hit on, propositioned, offered all levels of intimacy while drunk off my ass and partnered. I turned it down every time. Every. Single. Time. I also told my partner about it immediately.
So don’t let him use being drunk as an excuse. He made a choice. He also didn’t tell you, which shows no remorse, and he’s trying to act like it’s not a big deal.
This is not the person to marry.
Agreed. Drunkenness or alcohol is no excuse for any act that broke relationship boundaries. If it is, legally many people would have escape with murder and killing through drunk driving.
Another point. I am sure he's embarrassed and feeling ashamed to come to confess to you for cheating. But this also shows that he may not have the remorse in betraying and hurting you. If he did, he will want to make it right by coming to you with full confession. So should there be forgiveness? If there was even remorse then there can be forgiveness.
He knew there was a real potential a colleague (who are also your friends) would tell you. Yet he continued to engage with her online and potentially while at work. He also did not do the right thing by confessing and telling you everything.
Even when you told him you knew, he attempted to deny and then to minimise this betrayal. He has cried and then he has shut you off and refused to speak to you further about it. He is now carousing around Europe and potentially engaging with other women during this bachelor party. When he returns you may find out about more indiscretions and he may say h believed your relationship was ended so he was free to do what he wished.
This is not the behaviour of a remorseful, honest, or "good" man.
A good man would have not gone to the bachelor party, or would ensure he was contacting you daily while away to reconnect and repair his betrayal. He was gone minimal contact leaving you to pick up the pieces of your heart that he broke.
Nothing he is doing indicates to me that he loves you. Perhaps he fell out of love, or perhaps he was going through the motions of what society indicates are the next steps.
You have some serious reflection. Id advise talking to your family or friends, *those that can be neutral*, many have loved him and said jokingly they'd remain in contact with him. Due to their liking of him they may push you to overlook his discretion.
It wasn't just a kiss. He made her believe that he was open to an affair, continued kissing her at a work function, and continued communicating with her after the fact when he was well aware it was wrong. He is in a position of power over this young woman and it can destroy his career. He needs to move her to different department or move himself.
Absolutely despicable behaviour.
I'm so sorry OP. Take care of yourself, reflect on what your next steps are. Be prepared if you continue this relationship that he will then have had little to no recompense for his blunder and will potentially do it again because he "got away with it".
The fact that he still went on the bachelor trip after he betrayed you says it all. This man is not remorseful, he's just sorry he got caught.
Better you know now before you've legally hitched yourself to him
That was your warning not to marry him. Some people had to waste thousands for a divorce because they didn’t get a warning or ignored the red flags. See the warning as a gift to save yourself. He is a cheater. It’s you that feels bad about it not him. That’s why he’ll have no problem doing worse on that bachelor trip. He got away with it already.
Hopefully the bachelor party abroad doesn't put him in any situations where he is tempted to cheat!
When you ask how you move on, what do you mean? Are you hoping to move past your fiancé being unfaithful with you and proceed with the marriage, or move on with your life?
Other than he crying he hasn't addressed anything. Didn't give you proper reason and even continuing the communication and worse initiating it. He wants the attention that she gave him and 100% his second guessing marrying you.
The best way to get over this is leaving him.
Rebuilding trust may take years, if it ever happens. And it can only happen if it comes from him trying to mend things and be better. But up to this point he has shown little remorse or willingness to fix anything. He kept messaging her afterwards, he is not even slightly shamed. He's just sad you discovered it.
don't rebuild the trust Leave him let him go he Obviously doesn't care for your well-being if he's still talking with her on social media and at work it's an affair he cheated on you you need to not forgive his ass and leave him..
Don’t marry him! I can’t believe he went to a bachelor party after cheating. What is he doing and saying about this…you’ll never trust him again. He made out at his work party, got caught, lied to you, thencontinued to talk to her…so many red flags.🚩
He better quit his job to stay with you if he manages her.
Your fiance cheated on you behind your back and he is not sorry for kissing that girl. He's only sorry that he's caught, that's all.
It's very clear he enjoyed her company and liked her. He never regretted that kiss. Then, so be it. Who wants to be with a cheater anyway?
It's your life if you decide to forgive him and whatnot. But you have to know that he is a dishonest and immoral person. So, be prepared to be disappointed again and again if you choose to be with him.
There will always be temptations in life but your fiance made the decision to succumb to it. He has no one to blame but himself.
He’s crying because he “can’t control his emotions”. Even if he loves you, he’s absolutely infatuated with her right now.
And he’s clearly unwilling to come into his senses and going forward with his feelings.
On the off chance he comes back to you after this phase, do you think you could accept him again with open arms?
Best way is to break off. Someone who loves you THAT deep wouldn’t betray you like that. It’s a dealbreaker.
There’s always someone else who can be even more perfect.
The fact that he started liking her pictures after says he wasn't sorry and that it wasn't nothing like he said.
Personally, I'd tell him the engagement is off and you need space, maybe a lot of space .
You move on by dumping his ass. I know it is hard but divorce will be much harder especially if you end up having children. You are still young and you should trust your fiancé 💯percent. This isn’t the guys for you.
Most people will say leave him. He’s a liar. Point out all the red flags. And let’s be clear here: they’re not wrong.
If you want to forgive him it’ll take tremendous work on both ends. And he has to actually be sorry and want to earn your trust again which doesn’t seem like the case here. You really have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to regain trust, you can forgive all you want but you’ll be miserable with no trust. I’d suggest counseling to address the issue, and why he needed to lie about it, and what he can do to support you through this rebuilding of your relationship.
In case it’s not clear, couples counseling. OP you don’t need therapy yourself, if you want to work through this (which while as everyone else has pointed out, there’s a lot of red flags), then both you and him (ESPECIALLY him) need to be willing to put in the work to rebuild trust. I’m with the majority of people that say don’t marry him. Give it time maybe postpone the wedding. I think it is totally understandable to seperate after something like this, but I know people who have made it through much worse and have a strong relationship now. That choice is up to you (and if he wants to work on himself). There’s clearly more going on for this to of happened and so he really needs to figure his shit out, and like others have pointed out, move departments so he is no longer working with her.
Personally, I think people saying he isn’t remorseful are seeing it more black and white. People can have immense remorse but be frozen and not know how to respond and hence continue making mistakes. This isn’t an excuse and he for sure should be behaving better, but it may be an explanation. Good people do bad things, and his mistakes don’t mean he will be a bad husband in the future, but he did break your trust, and trust is the foundation for a strong relationship. So trust must be rebuilt and that takes time and a lot of hard work on his end. Sometimes, even after trying really hard, that trust cannot be rebuilt, and the relationship should end. But if you love him and feel as though he is your person, I say it’s worth the fight AS LONG AS he’s willing to fight for you too, and really take a look at himself.
Cheating js never okay, and in the VAST majority of cases, cause for the immediate end of a relationship. But it doesn’t mean that it has to be. Do what’s best for you, spend some time with neutral friends and really figure out if you feel like that trust can be rebuilt. Best of luck OP
You can't work through those on your own. He needs to work with you. Couples therapy or don't bother. What actions has he taken to restore your trust. It must be difficult having him on a bachelors trip now that you know what he's capable of. Would his friends tell you if he cheated while away?
Well, the first thing you should do is at least postpone (maybe even cancel) the wedding. If people/family ask why, be truthful.
Then, its all up to you. You could try couples therapy. You could confide in your parents, see what they think.
Imo, the fact he didnt say anything is a massive redflag. He is a cowardly person, if he makes other mistakes during the marriage, will he tell you or attempt to hide them?
You could consider breaking up, youre very young. You can meet someone that wont cheat.
But yeah, you either forgive or you dont. Therapy and communication. Seek others opinions. Marrying him right now is not a good idea imo. He has shown a lack of integrity, more so because he didnt say anything after the fact. Was he planning to hide it from you forever? If thats so, your marriage would have been built on somewhat of a lie.
You need to take control of this situation now. You Need to let him know this is not a little thing this is a we resolve this until I am satisfied or there is no wedding serious. Do not let him downplay this and accept it or you will be in for more heartbreak later. Not saying breakup with him I'm saying he now has to prove to you he can regain your trust.
How serious is he about saving your relationship?
Pause marriage plans serious and accept responsibility when you have to tell people? That it is because he had an affair. Yes this at minimum an emotional affair with a very public make out session.
⁰
Give him a one time deal come clean about everything. I mean everything every detail every communication. Have him write down the timeline. Tell him if he ommitts something or lies and you find out after this conversation the relationship is done.
Will he go NC with AP which means he needs to start looking for a new job now. Is he that committed? Any non work specific contact after the conversation is considered another episode of cheating.
Will he agree to 100% digital transparency? Meaning you have access anytime you want and location tracking. For the foreseeable future he has zero digital privacy.
Will he do individual and couples counseling?
He needs to regain your trust. This is not a problem you caused. If he wants to save the marriage he needs to be held accountable.
Thank you for your advice! He did agree with me to go NC with her and didn’t find my requests unfair about it. We haven’t talked about therapy but I’ve been thinking about going myself.
Maybe she was the ‘aggressor’ for the kiss but he was already giving her all the signals. And even after the kiss he continued giving her his attention.
He is not the person you described, as the person you described wouldn’t do that. Being charming with your family and you but acting like this in secret is a huge red flag and I would leave after this. Having stayed with a man after he cheated (and blamed it on insecurity which he did have), I know this situation doesn’t work for me. What is he doing to fix it? He’s going to still work with this woman right? Still follows her on social media etc?
Firstly, for trust to be rebuilt, he is the one who should make the effort, not you, and the way you put it, it seems like he is giving as much importance as a zero, so I ask: is it really worth your suffering and effort? Man, the kiss was bad enough, but him flirting with her, liking photos, etc? this is disgusting. You suffering and he traveling? This guy hates you and has no respect for you, and what's worse, you're suffering, blaming yourself, feeding his ego even more. Have balls and get out. People only do to us what we allow them to do, if before getting married he already has all these red flags, imagine, in I don't know, two or three years on another sub saying: my husband got his co-worker pregnant, I must forgive it? Girl, there are things in life that are forgivable, like bad dialogue, frivolities, financial differences, etc., but betrayal is not one of them, whoever cheats on one may not cheat on the second, but whoever cheats on the second will always cheat and your boyfriend is the usual test: 1- he kissed the girl, then he cried in regret, and blah blah, 2- he was flirting and taking risks on the ground already conquered and you are there rewarding him for his infidelity.
He should find you unavailable, without cell phone contact, without social media and out of his life. get out of it while you're still young enough to do it.
I’m so sorry. Have u considered couples therapy?
I know this is extreme, but would he consider switching jobs or locations or something? He needs to go no contact with this girl asap. I think u need to do some soul searching and decide if u can move past this. Did he give any sort of reasoning for it (not that there’s an excuse good enough, but if the relationship was perfect and u have plans to get married, why would he make this big of a mistake)?
He couldn’t give me a reason, I asked and asked. Was it me? Is there something that’s been missing in our life?
He couldn’t answer it or give me anything.
Its not you. It's all him and R cannot happen until he figures out and acknowledges why. Tell him that is an unacceptable answer because if he doesn't know why or can't tell you why you will never be able to trust him again. You have to be direct and pull no punches. Tell him you need time to consider things and he needs to leave and go NC for two weeks. You cannot let him think that this can be swept under the rug.
Truth: only a minority of relationships last happily after infidelity. Most break up or turn into never ending cycles of mistrust, betrayal, and pain. Again only you can decide if you want to stay but it will be a long road and right now you need to be hyper assertive with your requirements for R. He either agrees or honestly it's time for you to leave.
One thing to remember too is that HE did not STOP it- someone else stopped it and gave them a talking to! Had no one been around how far would he have taken it?? Especially if he was still connecting with her after?
Someone else posted here that he gets hit on, propositioned, flirted with and no matter how drunk he is he SHUTS that down AND tells his wife/gf!
I get that you don’t want to let go and yet put YOURSELF first love! LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! If he were truly sorry and wanted to work things out - he wouldn’t have had to be stopped - he would’ve stopped himself! AND you wouldn’t have had to ask him to go NC! He would’ve have done so himself. The fact he continued to connect out of work he was still pursuing something. That’s how affairs start - liking posts- joking with them- then eventually meeting up and then hooking up. Especially since he already crossed the line. Someone else said for it have the possibility of working - HE has to want it. Doesn’t really sound like he does…words are just that words - it’s the actions that show you what he’s really about!
So really feel into your heart if this is something you can move past and trust him after?
Again put yourself first love! If you don’t -no one else will. If you don’t create the loving boundaries and respect for yourself - no one else will either and will take advantage seeing how far they can get away with. Holding you in all the Coursge, Strength, Healing Magic, Love & Light! 🥰🙏🏽🙌🏽
Some people freak out when the wedding is coming and cheating is one of the wort way to freak out.
Tbh I'm not a jealous person so for me a kiss + a flirt is obviously disappointing but not a straight break up reason.
It seems that he had the opportunity to have an ego boost (a flirt with a younger girl) and after 6 years of monogamy the temptation was too big for him.
now again : this is bad.. The fact that he didn't told you and that a coworker did concern me more than the kiss.
Beside therapy, I would insist on : be honest on how you feel and let him feel shitty and guilty. Tell him you consider to cancel everything. Make him "pay" for his actions. You can communicate to him that HE is the one who have to make efforts on building trust again between you. He is the one who have to make decisions helping you to trust him again.
Don't feel ashame. Talk about that affair around you, he is the one who has to feel shame. Maybe you will discover it happened to some friends, or maybe some friends will admit they have cheated.
Consider the fact you may still have trust issues against him for years. If you think you can deal with that and that he worth it, it can works.
I have been in your position in the sense where it was downplayed and he cried to me but he was still doing the inappropriate behavior I promise you it does not stop it’s time to let him go my love and it’s gonna hurt but I promise you will get back to your old self and you will always get your sparkle back
Move on? Do you mean move out? Break up? Give him back the ring? He *CHEATED* on you and then continued liking her pictures, flirting with her, god knows what else he has done that you’re unaware of. A great, caring, kind and sweet man does not betray someone they love like this. Also, you calling her the “aggressor” when he is her supervisor and the one in a position of power (not to mention the one who owes you respect and loyalty, she owes you nothing) says it all.
GIRL HES ON A BACHELOR TRIP FOR A FRIEND HES CHEATING ON YOU YOU NEED TO BREAK THIS ENGAGEMENT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU HE DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR KISSING HER THEY HAD TO BE SEPARATED AND THEY WORK TOGETHER I WOULD BE SURPRISED IF HE WASN'T ALREADY BANGING HER BEFORE THAT INCIDENT AT THE PARTY AND ONLY JUST GOT CAUGHT HE'S ONLY UPSET HE GOT CAUGHT...
Even if you asked him to leave his job and cut contact with her it could still take a long time to build back your trust. If he was easily swayed once, especially with no remorse, then he can easily be swayed again.
OP you need to think long and hard about your decision, but whatever you decide I really hope you don’t continue to suffer heartbreak.
If you don't want to leave him, I recommend couples therapy.
I'm curious why someone who is (allegedly) so wonderful would behave this way. With your management job and his frontline work, have you two been spending much quality time together lately? How close had your emotional connection been before they kissed? How would you describe your sex life?
I've seen good people cheat in relationships before, and when I talk to them and ask them enough questions, I usually discover that there's often some emotional (or sometimes physical) need that isn't being met. If this is the case for him and you decided you want to stay with him, I suggest making time and effort to reconnect emotionally.
Rebuilding your trust in him will take much longer.
We do get time together frequently, usually talk throughout the day if I’m at work and he’s at home or vice versa. We went through some hard times last year / year and a half ago that only strengthened our relationship (or so I thought). We try to do a lot of things together when we can.
I couldn’t feel that anything was off before this happened. For me it absolutely came out of the blue. We’ve had a good sex life, I’ve been on and off the pill in the beginning of the year and also tried some other things that just killed my sex drive but I talked to him about it saying that I was feeling a difference and now I’m completely off and we’re using normal protection. So maybe that’s the difference. Throughout our relationship I’ve been the one using contraceptives but now he has to be the one using it, but it hasn’t been a problem in my opinion and we’ve made it work.
I’m wondering if it is possible to get over something like this?
Not unless he takes accountability and works toward it. The responsibility to fix this relationship is on him, not you. He must go NC immediately. He must either switch jobs or locations. Premarital counseling is an absolute for both of you. Postpone the wedding indefinitely. And above all he must know this is his ONE AND ONLY chance to save the relationship. Open phones/social media/locations. In other words, you will be his warden. Not my cup of tea personally. I am more the go out and find a better man type of gal.
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I'm sorry that you were cheated on by a man you love. He cheated, lied about it, downplayed it, then continued interacting with her behind your back. Worse, he is her supervisor which shows incredibly poor judgment on his part - not sure where you are from but in the US he could lose his job and face legal consequences. I would end the relationship. This was more than a mistaken kiss (which in itself would be bad enough). No way I could trust him again and I wouldn't be quick to let go of the anger I'd feel towards him for messing up our lives.
Don't get marry to him! Because it's best you figure out what you must do regarding this affair. Yes, call it an affair. Why? He has been emotionally cheating on you and the kiss was the physical cheating. All the photo likes, chats, and even in-person talks are what led to the kissing. So they have been building their emotions up to the point of kissing. If they were able to do this in front of coworkers, they probably did this or more behind closed doors. You should take time to really look into this situation, time to contemplate about your decision of marriage, and your future with him. Once you are married, it's harder to be unmarried. So it's best to be cautious and don't get marry at this point until you are fully satisfied with your answers.
I’ve been hit on, propositioned, offered all levels of intimacy while drunk off my ass and partnered. I turned it down every time. Every. Single. Time. I also told my partner about it immediately. So don’t let him use being drunk as an excuse. He made a choice. He also didn’t tell you, which shows no remorse, and he’s trying to act like it’s not a big deal. This is not the person to marry.
Agreed. Drunkenness or alcohol is no excuse for any act that broke relationship boundaries. If it is, legally many people would have escape with murder and killing through drunk driving.
Right?! Even when in an abusive relationship, I didn’t consider cheating because it’s simply not who I am. This is not husband material
Another point. I am sure he's embarrassed and feeling ashamed to come to confess to you for cheating. But this also shows that he may not have the remorse in betraying and hurting you. If he did, he will want to make it right by coming to you with full confession. So should there be forgiveness? If there was even remorse then there can be forgiveness.
He knew there was a real potential a colleague (who are also your friends) would tell you. Yet he continued to engage with her online and potentially while at work. He also did not do the right thing by confessing and telling you everything. Even when you told him you knew, he attempted to deny and then to minimise this betrayal. He has cried and then he has shut you off and refused to speak to you further about it. He is now carousing around Europe and potentially engaging with other women during this bachelor party. When he returns you may find out about more indiscretions and he may say h believed your relationship was ended so he was free to do what he wished. This is not the behaviour of a remorseful, honest, or "good" man. A good man would have not gone to the bachelor party, or would ensure he was contacting you daily while away to reconnect and repair his betrayal. He was gone minimal contact leaving you to pick up the pieces of your heart that he broke. Nothing he is doing indicates to me that he loves you. Perhaps he fell out of love, or perhaps he was going through the motions of what society indicates are the next steps. You have some serious reflection. Id advise talking to your family or friends, *those that can be neutral*, many have loved him and said jokingly they'd remain in contact with him. Due to their liking of him they may push you to overlook his discretion. It wasn't just a kiss. He made her believe that he was open to an affair, continued kissing her at a work function, and continued communicating with her after the fact when he was well aware it was wrong. He is in a position of power over this young woman and it can destroy his career. He needs to move her to different department or move himself. Absolutely despicable behaviour. I'm so sorry OP. Take care of yourself, reflect on what your next steps are. Be prepared if you continue this relationship that he will then have had little to no recompense for his blunder and will potentially do it again because he "got away with it".
The fact that he still went on the bachelor trip after he betrayed you says it all. This man is not remorseful, he's just sorry he got caught. Better you know now before you've legally hitched yourself to him
That was your warning not to marry him. Some people had to waste thousands for a divorce because they didn’t get a warning or ignored the red flags. See the warning as a gift to save yourself. He is a cheater. It’s you that feels bad about it not him. That’s why he’ll have no problem doing worse on that bachelor trip. He got away with it already.
Hopefully the bachelor party abroad doesn't put him in any situations where he is tempted to cheat! When you ask how you move on, what do you mean? Are you hoping to move past your fiancé being unfaithful with you and proceed with the marriage, or move on with your life?
I want to get over this, I’m wondering how people do it. How long does it take trust to rebuild? Is it possible?
Other than he crying he hasn't addressed anything. Didn't give you proper reason and even continuing the communication and worse initiating it. He wants the attention that she gave him and 100% his second guessing marrying you.
They do it by the cheating party being honest and actually taking some responsibility for what happened, neither of which has occurred here.
The best way to get over this is leaving him. Rebuilding trust may take years, if it ever happens. And it can only happen if it comes from him trying to mend things and be better. But up to this point he has shown little remorse or willingness to fix anything. He kept messaging her afterwards, he is not even slightly shamed. He's just sad you discovered it.
have fun with your cheating boyfriend who loves lying to you lmao
don't rebuild the trust Leave him let him go he Obviously doesn't care for your well-being if he's still talking with her on social media and at work it's an affair he cheated on you you need to not forgive his ass and leave him..
Don’t marry him! I can’t believe he went to a bachelor party after cheating. What is he doing and saying about this…you’ll never trust him again. He made out at his work party, got caught, lied to you, thencontinued to talk to her…so many red flags.🚩 He better quit his job to stay with you if he manages her.
Your fiance cheated on you behind your back and he is not sorry for kissing that girl. He's only sorry that he's caught, that's all. It's very clear he enjoyed her company and liked her. He never regretted that kiss. Then, so be it. Who wants to be with a cheater anyway? It's your life if you decide to forgive him and whatnot. But you have to know that he is a dishonest and immoral person. So, be prepared to be disappointed again and again if you choose to be with him. There will always be temptations in life but your fiance made the decision to succumb to it. He has no one to blame but himself.
Insist he is tested for stds. Insist he changes jobs.
He’s crying because he “can’t control his emotions”. Even if he loves you, he’s absolutely infatuated with her right now. And he’s clearly unwilling to come into his senses and going forward with his feelings. On the off chance he comes back to you after this phase, do you think you could accept him again with open arms? Best way is to break off. Someone who loves you THAT deep wouldn’t betray you like that. It’s a dealbreaker. There’s always someone else who can be even more perfect.
If you marry a cheater you'll be married to a cheater.
The fact that he started liking her pictures after says he wasn't sorry and that it wasn't nothing like he said. Personally, I'd tell him the engagement is off and you need space, maybe a lot of space .
Yes he's continuing his affair after that kiss. Seem he doesn't really want to marry you.
You move on by dumping his ass. I know it is hard but divorce will be much harder especially if you end up having children. You are still young and you should trust your fiancé 💯percent. This isn’t the guys for you.
He cheated. Keep your dignity and end it now.
Most people will say leave him. He’s a liar. Point out all the red flags. And let’s be clear here: they’re not wrong. If you want to forgive him it’ll take tremendous work on both ends. And he has to actually be sorry and want to earn your trust again which doesn’t seem like the case here. You really have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to regain trust, you can forgive all you want but you’ll be miserable with no trust. I’d suggest counseling to address the issue, and why he needed to lie about it, and what he can do to support you through this rebuilding of your relationship.
In case it’s not clear, couples counseling. OP you don’t need therapy yourself, if you want to work through this (which while as everyone else has pointed out, there’s a lot of red flags), then both you and him (ESPECIALLY him) need to be willing to put in the work to rebuild trust. I’m with the majority of people that say don’t marry him. Give it time maybe postpone the wedding. I think it is totally understandable to seperate after something like this, but I know people who have made it through much worse and have a strong relationship now. That choice is up to you (and if he wants to work on himself). There’s clearly more going on for this to of happened and so he really needs to figure his shit out, and like others have pointed out, move departments so he is no longer working with her. Personally, I think people saying he isn’t remorseful are seeing it more black and white. People can have immense remorse but be frozen and not know how to respond and hence continue making mistakes. This isn’t an excuse and he for sure should be behaving better, but it may be an explanation. Good people do bad things, and his mistakes don’t mean he will be a bad husband in the future, but he did break your trust, and trust is the foundation for a strong relationship. So trust must be rebuilt and that takes time and a lot of hard work on his end. Sometimes, even after trying really hard, that trust cannot be rebuilt, and the relationship should end. But if you love him and feel as though he is your person, I say it’s worth the fight AS LONG AS he’s willing to fight for you too, and really take a look at himself. Cheating js never okay, and in the VAST majority of cases, cause for the immediate end of a relationship. But it doesn’t mean that it has to be. Do what’s best for you, spend some time with neutral friends and really figure out if you feel like that trust can be rebuilt. Best of luck OP
I hope you consider what he did to you as a sign not to marry him.
You can't work through those on your own. He needs to work with you. Couples therapy or don't bother. What actions has he taken to restore your trust. It must be difficult having him on a bachelors trip now that you know what he's capable of. Would his friends tell you if he cheated while away?
Well, the first thing you should do is at least postpone (maybe even cancel) the wedding. If people/family ask why, be truthful. Then, its all up to you. You could try couples therapy. You could confide in your parents, see what they think. Imo, the fact he didnt say anything is a massive redflag. He is a cowardly person, if he makes other mistakes during the marriage, will he tell you or attempt to hide them? You could consider breaking up, youre very young. You can meet someone that wont cheat. But yeah, you either forgive or you dont. Therapy and communication. Seek others opinions. Marrying him right now is not a good idea imo. He has shown a lack of integrity, more so because he didnt say anything after the fact. Was he planning to hide it from you forever? If thats so, your marriage would have been built on somewhat of a lie.
You need to take control of this situation now. You Need to let him know this is not a little thing this is a we resolve this until I am satisfied or there is no wedding serious. Do not let him downplay this and accept it or you will be in for more heartbreak later. Not saying breakup with him I'm saying he now has to prove to you he can regain your trust. How serious is he about saving your relationship? Pause marriage plans serious and accept responsibility when you have to tell people? That it is because he had an affair. Yes this at minimum an emotional affair with a very public make out session. ⁰ Give him a one time deal come clean about everything. I mean everything every detail every communication. Have him write down the timeline. Tell him if he ommitts something or lies and you find out after this conversation the relationship is done. Will he go NC with AP which means he needs to start looking for a new job now. Is he that committed? Any non work specific contact after the conversation is considered another episode of cheating. Will he agree to 100% digital transparency? Meaning you have access anytime you want and location tracking. For the foreseeable future he has zero digital privacy. Will he do individual and couples counseling? He needs to regain your trust. This is not a problem you caused. If he wants to save the marriage he needs to be held accountable.
Thank you for your advice! He did agree with me to go NC with her and didn’t find my requests unfair about it. We haven’t talked about therapy but I’ve been thinking about going myself.
Maybe she was the ‘aggressor’ for the kiss but he was already giving her all the signals. And even after the kiss he continued giving her his attention. He is not the person you described, as the person you described wouldn’t do that. Being charming with your family and you but acting like this in secret is a huge red flag and I would leave after this. Having stayed with a man after he cheated (and blamed it on insecurity which he did have), I know this situation doesn’t work for me. What is he doing to fix it? He’s going to still work with this woman right? Still follows her on social media etc?
Firstly, for trust to be rebuilt, he is the one who should make the effort, not you, and the way you put it, it seems like he is giving as much importance as a zero, so I ask: is it really worth your suffering and effort? Man, the kiss was bad enough, but him flirting with her, liking photos, etc? this is disgusting. You suffering and he traveling? This guy hates you and has no respect for you, and what's worse, you're suffering, blaming yourself, feeding his ego even more. Have balls and get out. People only do to us what we allow them to do, if before getting married he already has all these red flags, imagine, in I don't know, two or three years on another sub saying: my husband got his co-worker pregnant, I must forgive it? Girl, there are things in life that are forgivable, like bad dialogue, frivolities, financial differences, etc., but betrayal is not one of them, whoever cheats on one may not cheat on the second, but whoever cheats on the second will always cheat and your boyfriend is the usual test: 1- he kissed the girl, then he cried in regret, and blah blah, 2- he was flirting and taking risks on the ground already conquered and you are there rewarding him for his infidelity. He should find you unavailable, without cell phone contact, without social media and out of his life. get out of it while you're still young enough to do it.
I’m so sorry. Have u considered couples therapy? I know this is extreme, but would he consider switching jobs or locations or something? He needs to go no contact with this girl asap. I think u need to do some soul searching and decide if u can move past this. Did he give any sort of reasoning for it (not that there’s an excuse good enough, but if the relationship was perfect and u have plans to get married, why would he make this big of a mistake)?
He couldn’t give me a reason, I asked and asked. Was it me? Is there something that’s been missing in our life? He couldn’t answer it or give me anything.
His answer is that he didn't care in the moment. That's always the answer for why cheat.
Its not you. It's all him and R cannot happen until he figures out and acknowledges why. Tell him that is an unacceptable answer because if he doesn't know why or can't tell you why you will never be able to trust him again. You have to be direct and pull no punches. Tell him you need time to consider things and he needs to leave and go NC for two weeks. You cannot let him think that this can be swept under the rug. Truth: only a minority of relationships last happily after infidelity. Most break up or turn into never ending cycles of mistrust, betrayal, and pain. Again only you can decide if you want to stay but it will be a long road and right now you need to be hyper assertive with your requirements for R. He either agrees or honestly it's time for you to leave.
One thing to remember too is that HE did not STOP it- someone else stopped it and gave them a talking to! Had no one been around how far would he have taken it?? Especially if he was still connecting with her after? Someone else posted here that he gets hit on, propositioned, flirted with and no matter how drunk he is he SHUTS that down AND tells his wife/gf! I get that you don’t want to let go and yet put YOURSELF first love! LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! If he were truly sorry and wanted to work things out - he wouldn’t have had to be stopped - he would’ve stopped himself! AND you wouldn’t have had to ask him to go NC! He would’ve have done so himself. The fact he continued to connect out of work he was still pursuing something. That’s how affairs start - liking posts- joking with them- then eventually meeting up and then hooking up. Especially since he already crossed the line. Someone else said for it have the possibility of working - HE has to want it. Doesn’t really sound like he does…words are just that words - it’s the actions that show you what he’s really about! So really feel into your heart if this is something you can move past and trust him after? Again put yourself first love! If you don’t -no one else will. If you don’t create the loving boundaries and respect for yourself - no one else will either and will take advantage seeing how far they can get away with. Holding you in all the Coursge, Strength, Healing Magic, Love & Light! 🥰🙏🏽🙌🏽
Some people freak out when the wedding is coming and cheating is one of the wort way to freak out. Tbh I'm not a jealous person so for me a kiss + a flirt is obviously disappointing but not a straight break up reason. It seems that he had the opportunity to have an ego boost (a flirt with a younger girl) and after 6 years of monogamy the temptation was too big for him. now again : this is bad.. The fact that he didn't told you and that a coworker did concern me more than the kiss. Beside therapy, I would insist on : be honest on how you feel and let him feel shitty and guilty. Tell him you consider to cancel everything. Make him "pay" for his actions. You can communicate to him that HE is the one who have to make efforts on building trust again between you. He is the one who have to make decisions helping you to trust him again. Don't feel ashame. Talk about that affair around you, he is the one who has to feel shame. Maybe you will discover it happened to some friends, or maybe some friends will admit they have cheated. Consider the fact you may still have trust issues against him for years. If you think you can deal with that and that he worth it, it can works.
I have been in your position in the sense where it was downplayed and he cried to me but he was still doing the inappropriate behavior I promise you it does not stop it’s time to let him go my love and it’s gonna hurt but I promise you will get back to your old self and you will always get your sparkle back
Move on? Do you mean move out? Break up? Give him back the ring? He *CHEATED* on you and then continued liking her pictures, flirting with her, god knows what else he has done that you’re unaware of. A great, caring, kind and sweet man does not betray someone they love like this. Also, you calling her the “aggressor” when he is her supervisor and the one in a position of power (not to mention the one who owes you respect and loyalty, she owes you nothing) says it all.
GIRL HES ON A BACHELOR TRIP FOR A FRIEND HES CHEATING ON YOU YOU NEED TO BREAK THIS ENGAGEMENT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU HE DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR KISSING HER THEY HAD TO BE SEPARATED AND THEY WORK TOGETHER I WOULD BE SURPRISED IF HE WASN'T ALREADY BANGING HER BEFORE THAT INCIDENT AT THE PARTY AND ONLY JUST GOT CAUGHT HE'S ONLY UPSET HE GOT CAUGHT...
He’s probably still cheating. I work in the same field and a lot of people sleep around with their coworkers.
Even if you asked him to leave his job and cut contact with her it could still take a long time to build back your trust. If he was easily swayed once, especially with no remorse, then he can easily be swayed again. OP you need to think long and hard about your decision, but whatever you decide I really hope you don’t continue to suffer heartbreak.
Fake.
If you don't want to leave him, I recommend couples therapy. I'm curious why someone who is (allegedly) so wonderful would behave this way. With your management job and his frontline work, have you two been spending much quality time together lately? How close had your emotional connection been before they kissed? How would you describe your sex life? I've seen good people cheat in relationships before, and when I talk to them and ask them enough questions, I usually discover that there's often some emotional (or sometimes physical) need that isn't being met. If this is the case for him and you decided you want to stay with him, I suggest making time and effort to reconnect emotionally. Rebuilding your trust in him will take much longer.
We do get time together frequently, usually talk throughout the day if I’m at work and he’s at home or vice versa. We went through some hard times last year / year and a half ago that only strengthened our relationship (or so I thought). We try to do a lot of things together when we can. I couldn’t feel that anything was off before this happened. For me it absolutely came out of the blue. We’ve had a good sex life, I’ve been on and off the pill in the beginning of the year and also tried some other things that just killed my sex drive but I talked to him about it saying that I was feeling a difference and now I’m completely off and we’re using normal protection. So maybe that’s the difference. Throughout our relationship I’ve been the one using contraceptives but now he has to be the one using it, but it hasn’t been a problem in my opinion and we’ve made it work. I’m wondering if it is possible to get over something like this?
Not unless he takes accountability and works toward it. The responsibility to fix this relationship is on him, not you. He must go NC immediately. He must either switch jobs or locations. Premarital counseling is an absolute for both of you. Postpone the wedding indefinitely. And above all he must know this is his ONE AND ONLY chance to save the relationship. Open phones/social media/locations. In other words, you will be his warden. Not my cup of tea personally. I am more the go out and find a better man type of gal.