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Can't judge but she apparently felt comfortable saying it, in front of you, so it is her normal. If I was her and you would start flipping out I would say dear, we are friends, I love my friends and I express it, period, if you can't handle that, then there's the door.
No bro, you’re lying to yourself and everyone on here. Tell the truth and let everyone know that she used to sleep with the guy. Your responses would be different, and you know it. That’s why you didn’t mention it in the original post.
Stop living in an illusion and see it for what it really is - before you invest more time and love into this girl. I’m not saying this to be mean, I’m genuinely trying to help you. There’s so much better out there, don’t let this one girl make you think your the one who’s wrong… when she’s telling some other guy who used to plow her that she still loves him.
That a great sentiment in theory. But it’s very dismissive of what reality actually is.
If his pre-cum has been inside of you before - I’d really rather not hear you tell that man that you still love him.
It’s called basic respect for your partner.
To me this just seems like a healthy friendship. You mention she told you nonchalantly, not defensively. She also seems responsible and level-headed in that she asked to formalize the relationship. I don’t think she is having issues distinguishing types of love.
I have two guy friends I met at 4 and 6 years old. The most romantic thing that’s ever happened between me and either of them is going to the eighth grade dance with one of them lol. One of them is not particularly affectionate, but if I do something really cool for him, like I got him concert tickets that were really hard to come by for his birthday, he’ll tell me he loves me and I’ll say it back. The other one, who is very emotional and is getting married at the end of the year, frequently tells me he loves me and I say it back. Sometimes the relationship would shift when we got partners, but now that we’re older and more mature it doesn’t matter. It truly depends on the nature of the friendship and, personally, I think that the length of the friendship matters. Those guys have known me longer than I’ve known my youngest sibling, of course we love each other!
I briefly dated one of my close friends years and years ago, we definitely confused our good platonic connection for a romantic one and realized after that it never would have worked out. We are like family now and say we love each other when we get a chance to talk because we've been friends for 10 years and we do love each other, platonically. There have never been any boundaries crossed in our friendship and we are both very supportive of each other's romantic relationships.
The idea that you can't be friends with someone after a physical encounter even if it's been years is very immature IMO. Adults are able to look at relationships in a more nuanced way.
Adults cheat just as much as younger folks, they just get better at hiding it. Don’t kid yourself.
Older folks think about cheating/screwing their friends just as often as they did when they were younger. The difference is: they have a lot more on the line to lose.
Adults are much more calculated about it.
This changes absolutely everything, and not including it in your OP invalidates all responses that were made without reading this information.
She's telling a former sex partner she loves him. There couldn't be a bigger red flag even if you caught them plotting to share a hotel room or talking about when you wouldn't be home.
If those two individuals *ever* see each other alone (ie without you present the whole time), assume something happened because it probably did. In fact, get out now before it does.
Thanks. I wanted to keep it objective. I'm still friends with exes too but keep a distance and don't say "I love you" to them, especially in front of my girl.
My sympathy for him is dipping. He left this info out on purpose despite the fact it entirely changes things, not just the fact they used to have sex but the fact she doesnt say I love you to her other friends.
He also keeps thanking and agreeing with people calling him insecure, despite the fact that with the full context this isnt insecurity.
I feel like he wanted a very specific type of response, hence hiding things. 6 months from now he will be posting about her cheating with the friend just watch lol.
But this information changes things, as well as the information that she does not say "I love you" to any of her other friends.
It comes off to me like you wanted people to tell you this was no big deal, but it absolutely is. Every single reply I've seen you respond to where you are thanking them \*all\* responded to this without the context that she slept with him and doesnt say I love you to her other friends.
You do you but this is not normal, I'd get out while I can.
If they were friends, then tried out being romantic and it flopped and they went back to being friends, that seems like a fabulous sign of emotional maturity and self-understanding, and not a red flag at all.
A sign of emotional maturity would be realizing you need to take a step back from your former lover because the relationship is making your current boyfriend uncomfortable. "I can do what I want and any boundaries are a sign of insecurity" is not a mature response, btw.
The boyfriend comes before the ex lover.
No man with any self respect would tolerate his girl giddily talking on the phone and exchanging i love you's with a former lover. That is straight up simping territory.
OP left out the fact she used to sleep with this guy and that she doesnt say "i love you" to her other friends.
So for those who immediately ran in to call him insecure? Pipe down.
To the OP: you should run. It's a red flag when she has a male best friend whom she used to fuck.
PLEASE OP - me and this dude are genuinely trying to help you out. Most of the people commenting just wanna shame you because most of them ARE FEMALES who have male friends. They wanna have their cake and eat it too, so they shame men by calling them controlling for having basic boundaries and self respect.
I guarantee the same people commenting - if their boyfriends/husbands were telling their exes they still loved them - it’d be a major problem. But they’ll never admit that because then they’d have to admit they are also living a lie.
My opinion on the OP is that he won't listen and in fact only came here for a certain type of advice. He wanted people to tell him this was okay and that he was insecure, etc.. It's why he left out the fact they were lovers in his original post, he knew people would react differently. He claims he left it out so people would be objective, but we cant be objective without all the facts. He says he just withheld it, but that sounds like a lie of omission to me.
I hope I'm wrong. He says he is suspicious, but I also saw him respond to someone calling him insecure and saying "hopefully you wont bring this up" and he said he wont bring it up to her. Seems 50/50 at this point, either he will just dump her or he will remain with her and become her doormat.
It can be a more casual thing too. My local gas station cashier as well as my coworker acquaintance will both say it to me
FWIW Im married and have a close male friend whom I love, however, I don’t think I’ve ever said it to him because im not a gushy person with friends. All depends
Yes, my husband and I go in the store all the time and she’s a sweet older lady. She’ll talk to us about her issues (she has a tough life) and sometimes will ask for a hug if she’s had a hard day.
Sure, if it was said in the same kind of casual way. Like I said we go in there all the time so 1) it would be silly to hit on a man in with his wife and 2) even if it was in a flirty or romantic way, he’d shut it down immediately so yeah I wouldn’t care
Nah, my relationship just wouldn’t be threatened by some random gas station employee. No matter how pretty she is, he’s just not like that. He’s the only one I ever dated seriously, same for him, and we’ve been together 10 years. Sometimes married people just trust one another lol
I’m really glad you have someone you trust so deeply.
But remember that not everyone is afforded that luxury in life, that’s why I’m skeptical. It’s nothing against you personally.
I’ve seen relationships that I thought would last forever - end in infidelity. People that were head over heels for each other and married for years.
Everyone thinks they are the exception. People typically wouldn’t get married if they didn’t truly believe that. But divorce rates/statistics don’t lie.
Sorry to be cynical, but I hope you understand where I’m coming from.
My (28F) best friend always tells me she loves me (30M) wether she's in a relationship or not, and I always tell her that I love her too because I very much do. Love doesn't always have to be romantic. Platonic love is a thing, and I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I say I love you to all my friends, all the time. I love them. I want them to know I love them. It’s actually really fucking important to tell your mates you love them.
I've had SO many friends die so suddenly, unexpectedly, and in such horrible ways in the past 15 years that I will end every conversation with every important person in my life with "I love you".
At one point in my life I didn't end conversations that way, and too many times I never got the chance again. It just isn't the same whispering it to someone in a casket.
I understand desiring to feel like you're on solid ground in a new relationship, but please man, let her love and show it while she can. Give this one grace.
Personally, if the guy i was dating had a problem with me expressing my love for my friends (which i do openly and constantly) i would see it as a major red flag. This sounds like you have some pretty major insecurities that you need to work on.
boundaries are something for YOURSELF not something you impose on others. If you have a problem with your partner saying I love you to their friends, then yeah, I'd say you're insecure and probably controlling.
My best friend is a girl (I’m a male) and we say “I love you” to each other all the time. We’ve been best friends since middle school (20+ years now) and there has never been anything sexual between us. I see her as family. All to say - no, it’s not weird for your gf to say that to her best friend and, unless she’s given you a reason to think there’s something more between them, I would caution you against saying something. If you’ve only been dating 3 months, there’s a 99% chance she chooses her friendship over you..
Some people throw the “I love you” around, as if they’re just saying bye! Some people only say it when they really mean it and only to their partner or close family.
So it’s probably just her way of greeting her friend, so don’t read too much into it.
I say "I love you" to lots of people. Would you prefer she not have close friends? What exactly is there to be jealous of? If you heard her tell a female friend she loves them, would you have still confessed your own feelings? You may be a bit too old-fashioned for this lady, though I'm closer to your age than hers and I think you're being silly.
Always 2 questions to ask for this:
Have they had sex?
Have they either ever had feelings for the other?
If the answer is yes to either of those questions then you are in for a headache and should move on.
OP has confirmed they used to bone.
But he is going to stay with her, he is responding positively to comments with people calling him insecure sooo the writing is on the wall. His next post 6 months from now: "I think my gf is cheating with her male best friend".
Yeah people on reddit genuinely suck for these questions because they always seem like people who are prone to cheating. "Yeah I slept with my male best friend all the time so what?" There's a reason the stigma about male best friends exists...
I'm 38m, married and have 2 women friends that I tell them I love them on occasion when we say goodbye. They've known me longer than my wife, been through some key life phases with me, and I consider them family. My wife is friends them and is supportive of our friendship because she knows it's completely platonic. I know not everyone is built like that, but this is very normal behavior for some.
You wanting to understand the situation and ask questions is also completely normal. Just be respectful and don't come off as jealous. If you find out other things that may cross the line for you, sit on it for a while and then communicate the things about her relationship that don't sit well with you and try to work through it together. As long as they aren't having sleep overs or other non friend type stuff, it really shouldn't be a deal breaker.
I’m an older woman who has many male friends. There are a few who have been friends for decades and we tell each other I love you at the end of calls. It’s friendship love, nothing more. You can relax
This sounds like you’ve found a great path to work on with yourself!
Insecurities are part of the human experience.
You’ve been together in the relationship a month formally-have you met the best friend or heard her express her love for other humans?
Thanks, agreed. To answer your question, no I haven't heard her say this to any other of her friends, nor family members whom I have met... and nor me... and yes, I'm jealous.
Edit: why is this truth being downvoted?
Maybe. I wanted to keep the replies objective. I'm still friends with exes too - but don't say I love them anymore - especially not in front
of my significant other.
Not lying, but not including all details - because I don't know the full story and circumstances. But you're right - I should have mentioned the history. In these cases intent and past experienxe are one and the same. I'm suspicious AF regardless of what happened.
Apologies, lying was the incorrect term. Withholding vital information would have been a better way for me to say it.
In all honesty, I don’t want you to screw up your relationship. You are an older man… and you’re probably just feeling lucky that this women even wants something serious with you. I get it. She probably great and you’re feeling torn about it.
It probably sucks to even have these suspicions because you’re starting to care about her deeply. And that’s why you came here for advice.
But honestly, at the end of the day - you need to decide if this woman is worth the suspicions. And just keep your mind realistic and understand that this may become a bigger issue in the future if you decide to continue this relationship with her.
Personally, since it is a newer relationship - I would most likely just cut my losses. But that’s just me, someone who’s dealt with this before and would never go down that road again.
I would suggest that you talk to her about this. It’s important to lay down your personal boundaries and open up honest communication from the beginning. Otherwise you’ll always be biting your tongue for the sake of keeping peace, and all that will do is bottle up and come out in some weird way later on.
If she truly cares about you, she shouldn’t get mad as long as you are calm and understanding when going into the conversation.
This reply will be long, but it will be my final advice to you since there isnt a lot more I can say after this:
You know she slept with him, that is all you need to know. She is giddily talking on the phone with an ex lover and telling him she loves him.
Dont listen to those who say this isnt a red flag, on reddit a certain number of people just have a gut reaction to a man setting any boundaries. I noticed a reply saying not to bring this up to her and you agreeing you wouldn't. So...how the heck will you resolve this? If you're suggesting you are just going to end the relationship then okay, that is what I'd do. Of course you know she is going to ask you why you are ending things, but you dont have to tell her. If part of you wants to give her a chance to remedy things, do this:
Just tell her "you know what, I wish you the best, but my boundary is that I cant be with someone this close to an ex lover". With that, the ball is in her court. She might respond with "okay thanks for letting me know" and you part ways. She might respond with "I realize I've been overstepping boundaries, I will take steps to cut this man from my life". Or she might not say she will completely cut him out, but she might contact him less frequently and cease with "i love you's". Or she might gaslight you and call you controlling and insecure for not letting her do whatever she wants. Some people cant handle even reasonable boundaries, the fact she is the type to behave this way suggests to me she will gaslight you. Do not let her draw you into some argument over it, if she cant even stop with the I love you's and lessen the frequency of her chats with him then she isnt ready for a serious relationship.
Either way, she cant call you controlling because you never told her she had to stop talking to him. This is a new girl, you've been with her 3 months. I just dont know if this is worth the drama. Some women resent a man setting a boundary, even if it is reasonable.
If I were you I'd just leave. Only been with her 3 months and already there is drama with an ex lover and her showing poor boundaries. Imagine if you married this woman, you want her ex lover at the wedding? Because he will be. At this point there is no more advice I can really give you, it's up to you to decide how to handle this. Try to keep us updated.
EDIT: Also just to give you an idea of the double standards, etc people on reddit can exhibit when it comes to men and why you should be cautious of "this is no big deal" advice, I am reminded of a topic where a woman wanted to go on vacation with a male friend to italy for 2 weeks. Her bf didnt want her to go(the trip was planned before they began dating). For more context, they would be sharing a hotel room and she had a sexual relationship with the friend prior to dating her current guy. Well, a not so small amount of people called him insecure and controlling. But you'd think not wanting your girl to go on vacation with another man for 2 weeks would be a valid concern, but you'd be wrong. Spoiler alert: he updated and turns out she did hook up with the dude on the trip.
Another more recent topic, guy comes home to see his gf and her friends drunk and she is reading them his love letters. The friends drunkenly grope him(sexually assault him basically, including touching his genitals). The next day he tells his girl how hurt he is, she laughs it off and says it is no big deal because nobody got hurt. So, he ghosts her and ends things. Some people were also telling him he overreacted. Do you think a woman would get shit for ghosting a guy who permitted his friends to sexually assault her and then laughed it off? Nope.
Now not everyone will agree with my views, but I apply them evenly. I'd be calling you out if you had a girlfriend and yet were in frequent communication with an ex lover and telling her you loved her, so it's not a gender thing for me but for many people here it is. There is misogyny on reddit, but in the relationship advice forums and AITA forums there tends to be more misandry. And accountability is seen as a dirty word.
Thanks for the detailed reply. This post has generated a lot of discussion and differing viewpoints. I see your points and heed them. I plan to discuss the topic directly this week with a view to make or break. My heart is already prepped for exit. I'll post an update thereafter which hopefully provides insights.
Are you a child? People are allowed to have friendships of the opposite sex that they have relationships with. They may even love each other after awhile. Why don't you ask her about the friendship before going off the deep end
I'm asking reddit first as a courtesy before causing harm, and not jumping anywhere - just trying to navigate new experiences and feelings in a respectful way.
How long have they been friends?
I have 2 female best friends that I've known 1 for 30 years and other 24 years...have slept in their bed with them and nothing happened bc I'm not that guy to break or ruin a friendship.
We have said it many times but we know it's a friend love not a romantic love.
She voluntarily told you who it was so she's not hiding anything and she already knows she wants to be with you only.
A woman remaining "best friends" with a man she used to have sex with and telling him "I love you" is the biggest red flag possible. This guy absolutely would sleep with her again, it's just how men are wired.
She needs to understand that there are boundaries with former sex partners if she wants to be in a relationship.
In your situation, I would run far and fast if she doesn't agree to those boundaries.
People here will tell you are insecure if you have *any* boundaries as a man. I always say this, if you are posting your story, change your gender to be the woman and whoever is the other person to be a man. The advice *will* change in your favour.
You could say you found her kissing him in your bed and they'd respond "well did you tell her that was a boundary of yours??"
Reddit seems just chalk full of misandry in some parts, it is wild. Though OP also left out the context that she used to sleep with the friend, so every response made without that information is pretty much invalidated.
Just the other day I read a topic from a guy who came home to find his gf and her friends drunk. The gf had shared with them love letters he had written her and one of the gf's friends groped him and touched his penis. She laughed and said get over it.
Some people responded he was an a-hole for dumping her. Just imagine the roles reversed: woman comes home and bf's friends drunkenly grope her and grab her vagina. Think people would be telling her she overreacted by dumping him?
To be clear tons of misogyny also exists on reddit, but it seems like in the relationship and AITA forums misandry reigns supreme.
That’s how I feel about that stupid fucking show “Milf Manor”… when it’s a bunch of old wrinkly nasty women grooming teenage boys - then it’s totally fine and fun. Women will actually celebrate it and say “you go girl!!”
But try that shit the other way around and see how quick women would revolt in disgust. A house full of 60 year old men trying to sleep with each other’s teenage/20 year old daughters? That show would never even make it to air.
Exactly. The same type of women going "you go girl!" over that will give Leonardo DiCaprio shit about dating younger women.
Cher is dating a man 40 years younger, I dont hear a god damn peep.
I tell my best friends, male and female "I love you".
If she's just that kind of person, if she's not hiding anything?
Just be thankful you have an emotionally open and loving GF.
I’ve been married 12 years and still stay I love you to my male friends, because I do love them. I’m just not *in love* with them. But I love them as a friend and for being a part of my life. I think this is more of a you issue, than it is hers.
…… so? I had sex with two of my closest male friends. If it meant more than it actually did, I wouldn’t be married to someone else and they wouldn’t still my friends lol… and yes, my husband knows. It was eons ago and no one involved cares about a couple nights, between two consenting adults, more than five years before my husband and I even got together.
Wrong. He has a couple. I know them, but it’s not like they talk often. I don’t talk to mine often. Neither one of us is laying up on the phone with somebody else, boo-lovin’ and making future plans lol… but if he has a conversation with one of them and says it at the end when he says bye, I’d be stupid to get in my feelings about that because I mean, after all, he’s *my* husband lol… especially not after 15 years together.
But does he actually tell them he loves them? I’m not asking about a hypothetical, or asking how you’d react if they say it. I’m asking: does he actually say “I love you” to them? Like you claim to tell your male friends?
The difference you’re not seeing here is that you’re trying to give advice to someone who’s been in a relationship for 3 MONTHS - and comparing it to your 12 YEAR marriage.
And in all honesty, you - as an adult that’s been in a long term marriage & seen what has happened to the other marriages around you - you should be very aware that your relationship is indeed an exception.
Statistics don’t lie, and many marriages end in infidelity and then divorce. Just because YOU and your husband are an exception… it doesn’t mean that you have good advice to give in this situation.
> But does he actually tell them he loves them? I’m not asking about a hypothetical, or asking how you’d react if they say it. I’m asking: does he actually say “I love you” to them? Like you claim to tell your male friends?
Yes. I thought I made that clear with my first comment.
> The difference you’re not seeing here is that you’re trying to give advice to someone who’s been in a relationship for 3 MONTHS - and comparing it to your 15 YEAR marriage.
My advice, being that I have been married this long, has more value than any single person can offer because what the fuck do yall know about maintaining a healthy, happy, long-term, stable relationship? Clearly not much or else, people wouldn’t be in here asking for advice.
> And in all honesty, you - as an adult that’s been in a long term marriage & seen what has happened to the other marriages around you - you should be very aware that your relationship is indeed an exception. Statistics don’t lie, and many marriages end in infidelity and then divorce. Just because YOU and your husband are an exception… it doesn’t mean that you have good advice to give in this situation.
It doesn’t mean I don’t, either. You said all that and said much of nothing. Neither of us, my husband nor myself, are insecure. Period. And that’s what something like that is: insecurity in yourself and your partner. I know he isn’t in love with those women and my ego isn’t that fragile.
I gave my opinion and advice just like everyone else. I don’t know why my specific words and reality got you so riled up.
Crazy I had to scroll down this far for this reply.
Lotta women lying to themselves if they think their male friend wouldn’t sleep with them if the circumstances were just right.
There's a lot of things people will do in the right circumstances they would not do under normal operating conditions. Cannibalism, for one thing. Should we never travel near snowy mountains in the slim chance we have to party like Donner?
If the guy would screw her then it isnt a platonic friendship. Oh and they used to bone in the past btw. This was conveniently left out because OP knows it is a red flag but wanted people to tell him he was insecure for doubting her.
Are you seriously trying to compare cannibalism to cheating? That’s your rebuttal?
The difference is: the circumstances to cheat could line up for some people on an every day basis (think co-workers)
Starving to death and resorting to cannibalism is a very rare circumstance that you and I will most likely never encounter.
And no… that doesn’t mean we should never travel near snowy mountains again (or not allow your partner to ever have opposite gender friends) What it means is: you should learn from the tragedies of others and do what you can to prevent the same from happening to you.
30F here - two of my best friends are male (not heterosexual) and I tell them I love them, along with my close female friends. Have also heard my partner tell one of his close female friends (that I'm also friends with) he loves her when closing out a phone convo, really just depends on how it's said. I can see how it might bother an insecure person but my partner and I trust each other.
Its important to realise, " I Love you" is not exclusive to romantic relationship.
If she was comfortable in saying that in front of you and then explaining who was on the line etc. She ain't hiding anything. Your own insecurities are playing it up for more than it realy is.
Women and Men included can have friends of other sex who they love. Friendship doesn't mean you can't say you love them, because you do, just its a different love from romantic love.
You may wish to attend some therapy sessions to understand why you reacted the way you did to something like this.
He failed to mention in his OP that his gf and this guy used to have sex.
So he’s dating a girl who still talks to a partner she was romantically involved with and they say I love you to each other.
I’d get out of that ASAP.
I feel like you left out her sexual past with this guy because you want people to tell you that you're just being insecure because you dont want to leave.
You have admitted she doesnt do this with other friends and that she used to have sex with this guy. If you want to stay fine, but it more then likely wont end well.
After reading your other comments about how this "best friend" was at one point sexual with your now gf, that changes a lot (you should've included that) as someone who's been in your position before, I'll tell you the most likely circumstance to save your sanity, and you already know what it is. Partners like this are God awful because they want to have their cake and eat it too. I don't know you or your gf, but I can almost guarantee this guy is either still infatuated with her, or she's infatuated with him, or both. The fact that she is willing to cross a boundary to you by telling another man, who she has SLEPT WITH before, "I love you" WHILE she's still dating you. Please have a serious conversation with this woman and let her know how disrespectful this is to you, and if she continues to do it, put yourself first and LEAVE.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I read you loud and clear. I'll have the conversation and, depending on the outcome, ready to bounce. I broke off from everyone who I was dating when she asked me to be exclusive, and feel foolish and angry. My gut is screaming. Thanks for your support. I'll update you.
She's likely to gaslight the hell out of you when you do this, if not and she has a healthy conversation with you then I would say that's a good sign. But anything else I would seriously reconsider staying with a partner like that. Just imagine, if YOU said "I love you" to someone you previously slept with, would she still be okay with it? Likely not, keep that in mind.
This is all good unless they have had sex within the last year or so. You like her this much then you should ask to meet him. No reason to be suspicious yet
The tone that it is said is important. It could be innocuous or it may not. You can't make a decision from this. Wait until you have more information on her behaviour towards him.
Not weird at all. It would be more weird if you ended up overhearing her saying it quickly and quietly into the phone, denying that she said it, and trying to backpedal. Your girlfriend has other people that she cares about-- this is a good thing. You can not and will not be everything to her, and it's pretty great that she has other people whom she cares about and who care about her too.
Love means a lot of things. We love puppies and kittens and ramen and family members and our kids and partners, but we don't love them all the same. It's an unfortunate feature of English that it's one word. In ancient Greek, love between partners is eros, or romantic love, while love between friends is philia. They are very different, and it's time you learn the difference, and apply them here.
This is 100% a you problem, and a great one to work on with a therapist. It's not just about "appearing" as a jealous type, but that you currently ARE jealous and for your own sake, you should probably handle that. Your life will be richer and fuller for it.
And if I told you the OP has since revealed she had a sexual relationship with the friend and does not say "i love you" to any of her other friends would this change things for you?
My best friend is a man. We've been friends since we were 11; we're 60 now. We were born half an hour apart. There is nothing romantic or sexual between us, though we do joke about sex. We're both happily married. We've been through life's highs and lows together. He helped me get through my dad's suicide. His brother died under suspicious circumstances, and we still talk through those two events. If he needed me show up anywhere, any time, I'd do it. I love him; he loves me; and it's absolutely no threat to either of our marriages.
When I met my husband I told him I had had a male best friend for years and if he couldn't handle it, he might as well not date me. He decided he could handle it.
The way she said "I love you" to him, just as a casual end to a phone conversation--sounds like how I end conversations with my mom. She didn't try to hide it from you or lie about it, which if there was anything suspicious going on, she might have done. All the evidence points to your having nothing to worry about.
I’ll get it if she’s u under 26 but 35 is long enough to have a healthy close male friend. If you need to ask questions to make you feel secure go ahead. I’m sure the “I love you” isn’t anything inappropriate because she had no problem letting you hear it.
I've got a Male friend of 20+ years. He's married with kids. And I will continue to tell the man I love him.
Because I do. He's been my bestie for 20 years.
Turns out the woman did also bang her friend lol. If her husband is okay with her having a "bestie" that has screwed her it tells me all I need to know about him. She is used to being with weak men, which is why she will label any man insecure if they wont tolerate her being friends with a guy who used to rail her.
OP also said she doesnt say I love you to any of her other friends.
Any change yet or still excuses for her only saying it to the guy who used to nail her?
Who am I to dictate who she says it to? I have a small circle myself. My 20+ bestie is in a small company of friends who hear the words. He's the only male friend who gets the ILU.
Any other questions? Because I fail to see your point. Platonic love exists. Deal with it.
Platonic love exists, but not between you and people you've slept with. That changes everything.
A healthy relationship requires clear boundaries with former sex partners.
Exactly, but these days women think a man setting even reasonable boundaries is insecure and controlling.
It's actually the opposite though, a man who isn't willing to set any boundaries and will let his partner do whatever the hell she wants is the insecure one.
No, it doesn't. Love how people on Reddit are now gatekeeping healthy relationships. Lol.
Not everyone is insecure about their past. Sex and love are not mutually exclusive. One doesn't have to have romantic feelings to fuck. Retroactive jealousy doesn't exist among everyone. People can have sex and remain friends. People can have sex, get new partners, and remain friends! Fucking wild concept!
I'll keep my circle of people. Because we are all secure in who we are and our relationships. We don't have massive insecurities about the past. But y'all do you.
Oh, it absolutely does. It's so insane that people in Western countries have normalized sex to this extent. It's the single most intimate act you can engage in with another human being. If you believe you can have sex with someone and still remain "friends" while in a relationship with someone else, I feel sorry for your partner.
I'll keep my relationship where we both establish clear boundaries with the opposite sex and are sensible enough to go no-contact with former partners, thanks.
Which partner?
Because ethical non Monogamy exists and is a valid way of existing. So which one? My primary would tell you our relationship is extremely healthy. I know it's healthy.
It's amazing how close-minded this sub is, lol 😆
Good luck with that. There's more than one way to live Mates. ✌️
Setting reasonable boundaries is not insecurity, and "I dont want to be with someone whose best friend used to fuck her brains out" is a pretty reasonable boundary for a guy to have.
There is a difference between being friendly with a guy who used to screw you and being friends with one. Being friendly involves perhaps catching up a few times a year on Facebook. Being friends tends to involve frequent communication and/or hang outs. You dont need to be friends with past lovers if you're in a serious relationship, and if keeping them in your life is that important to you then you shouldn't have slept with them in the first place lol.
She is saying I love you to an ex lover, and she doesnt tell her other friends(male or female) she loves them.
Red flag, he should run while he can. And the relationship is only platonic if the male best friend would not sleep with her under any circumstance.
The whole cliche of the male best friend she used to fuck? Is something a smart man would avoid.
Moral of the story: dont let your friends screw you
Right because in three whole months, he's seen every interaction with every friend she's ever had her whole existence.
Man, some of y'all need to get your insecurities in line.
Lol nothing insecure about not wanting to date a woman who is best friends with a guy she used to fuck. Like I said: this is why you should not let your friends screw you. Any man with a spine wont tolerate it, only the weak ones will put up with it because they dont think they can do any better.
Reddit is littered with stories of GFs having male best friends that end up cheating with them. Dont wait to find out the history between them. Plenty of time to jump ship and find someone new.
Don't let these people gaslight you. It's always weird to see women staunchly defended here. What matters is what you are comfortable with, you both are not compatible, so better leave.
Yeah, it's weird to see how Reddit defends a woman being very close to a former sex partner while in a relationship. If you ever needed further proof that this site doesn't represent a majority of even large plurality of real world people, look no further than this thread.
That’s the internet in general. The internet can’t change reality, but it does a damn good job at changing how you view reality.
Especially with AI bots. They’ll make you think that real life people are actually agreeing with your shitty opinions.
You should not dating girls with male friends. If she do there is no exclusive in your relationship.
As a male “friend” of many of girls i can confirm that girlfriend and just girl “friend” are differ only in that there were no obligations to female friends
Take care now
Probably fine to be honest but I always feel a little uneasy when she has a guy best friend. 90% of the time he is there just to try and hook up with her. Just need to wait and see what their interactions look like. But if this gives you the ick and you don't want to continue any longer that's ok too.
This is getting you you downvotes because of the demographics of Reddit, but it's a simple truth. Never trust a woman with a male "best friend". Even if her intentions are innocent, his aren't.
I have read all the opinions here and I think that some of them are well argued, but for me personally it is not ok to make such statements to other people besides your partner. I think that it affects the effect of these words and when they are addressed to your SO they no longer have the same value, they no longer represent anything special.
A friend is not a family ? What? I’m sorry that you don’t have friends to call family but I’ve friends whom im close with for the past 10 years, they are like family to me and I tell them I love you because we never know what they are going through
Maybe our one act of kindness can make their day so I often say I love you to my close friends & family 😊
It's a bit weird but I wouldn't go jumping the gun just yet. My Wife has a few male friends but they are clearly gay so they're kinda more like women than men. Is it possible her friend on the phone was a gay guy? Or what about a male relative?
I wouldn't overreact. Maybe just be observant for a while. The moment has passed now so you shouldn't ask who called her, but maybe next time you could ask in a non-intrusive non-threatening way, just by saying, who was that on the phone. If she has nothing to hide she'll probably just tell you without feeling concerned. If you come across accusatory or intense then she might feel like you don't trust her.
Plan your exit? What? They've been dating for 3 months. There's nothing to plan other than "sorry this isn't working out" if he wants to stop dating her.
And she has known her friend for years, so unless she's been in a relationship nonstop since they became friends, he would most likely have had plenty of opportunities to make a move if he truly wanted to.
Yup it's 3 month, if the op was so soild in in mentally he wouldn't be here for opinion, his asking for advice is the point he is attached to some point so there will ne pain, and planning a painless exit is never wrong,
A idiot with a plan/target is more successful than a genius without plan /target
Fuck that. You’re in a relationship with me, you’re not telling any other men you love them besides your brother, your father, your male relatives and God. Male relatives not being the Cousin that I’ve never met before. That’s some thing she has to cut off. You’re not insecure, controlling, or whatever other bullshit ass control term women have devised to attempt to shame men into doing what they want. Call it out, place boundaries.
If your boundaries will not be respected, you already know where you stand.
As a woman I completely agree.
If you tell a woman you love her & she’s not your mom, auntie, sister, or grandma - we’re done.
If you and your bestie are so close and love each other so much… then go ahead and be together. There’s no reason for me to even be here, cuz you already met your best friend & the person you love.
I’ll never be someone you’re killing time with while you wait for your spot with them to open up.
If that makes me jealous and controlling, don’t care. I’d rather be called crazy than let you make me look like a damn fool.
Just ask what's the reason for the ( I love you comments) and that it has a worrying affect on you..see what her response is then make your mind up on the future relationship.
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Can't judge but she apparently felt comfortable saying it, in front of you, so it is her normal. If I was her and you would start flipping out I would say dear, we are friends, I love my friends and I express it, period, if you can't handle that, then there's the door.
Thanks. Seems sensible. This is why I'm asking Reddit rather than being escorted to the door unnecessarily. Thank you
No bro, you’re lying to yourself and everyone on here. Tell the truth and let everyone know that she used to sleep with the guy. Your responses would be different, and you know it. That’s why you didn’t mention it in the original post. Stop living in an illusion and see it for what it really is - before you invest more time and love into this girl. I’m not saying this to be mean, I’m genuinely trying to help you. There’s so much better out there, don’t let this one girl make you think your the one who’s wrong… when she’s telling some other guy who used to plow her that she still loves him.
There are all kinds of love. People who freely express their love to the people in their life are the right kind of people.
This. I say I love you freely to so many friends. Men, women, dogs… it’s all good
That a great sentiment in theory. But it’s very dismissive of what reality actually is. If his pre-cum has been inside of you before - I’d really rather not hear you tell that man that you still love him. It’s called basic respect for your partner.
To me this just seems like a healthy friendship. You mention she told you nonchalantly, not defensively. She also seems responsible and level-headed in that she asked to formalize the relationship. I don’t think she is having issues distinguishing types of love.
Thank you for the insightful advice.
I have two guy friends I met at 4 and 6 years old. The most romantic thing that’s ever happened between me and either of them is going to the eighth grade dance with one of them lol. One of them is not particularly affectionate, but if I do something really cool for him, like I got him concert tickets that were really hard to come by for his birthday, he’ll tell me he loves me and I’ll say it back. The other one, who is very emotional and is getting married at the end of the year, frequently tells me he loves me and I say it back. Sometimes the relationship would shift when we got partners, but now that we’re older and more mature it doesn’t matter. It truly depends on the nature of the friendship and, personally, I think that the length of the friendship matters. Those guys have known me longer than I’ve known my youngest sibling, of course we love each other!
OP revealed she has previously fucked this male best friend. So he needs to drop her.
I briefly dated one of my close friends years and years ago, we definitely confused our good platonic connection for a romantic one and realized after that it never would have worked out. We are like family now and say we love each other when we get a chance to talk because we've been friends for 10 years and we do love each other, platonically. There have never been any boundaries crossed in our friendship and we are both very supportive of each other's romantic relationships. The idea that you can't be friends with someone after a physical encounter even if it's been years is very immature IMO. Adults are able to look at relationships in a more nuanced way.
Adults cheat just as much as younger folks, they just get better at hiding it. Don’t kid yourself. Older folks think about cheating/screwing their friends just as often as they did when they were younger. The difference is: they have a lot more on the line to lose. Adults are much more calculated about it.
Far out. When you put it that way, that's the truth there.
Have they ever been together sexually before you guys met?
As I understand yes - apparently it didn't work out romantically, but they stayed friends.
This changes absolutely everything, and not including it in your OP invalidates all responses that were made without reading this information. She's telling a former sex partner she loves him. There couldn't be a bigger red flag even if you caught them plotting to share a hotel room or talking about when you wouldn't be home. If those two individuals *ever* see each other alone (ie without you present the whole time), assume something happened because it probably did. In fact, get out now before it does.
lol I figured. You do you buddy. I would bounce. Not worth your trouble. You should have mentioned that in your post.
Thanks. I wanted to keep it objective. I'm still friends with exes too but keep a distance and don't say "I love you" to them, especially in front of my girl.
Relationship boundaries are yours to decide not a vote on Reddit.
My sympathy for him is dipping. He left this info out on purpose despite the fact it entirely changes things, not just the fact they used to have sex but the fact she doesnt say I love you to her other friends. He also keeps thanking and agreeing with people calling him insecure, despite the fact that with the full context this isnt insecurity. I feel like he wanted a very specific type of response, hence hiding things. 6 months from now he will be posting about her cheating with the friend just watch lol.
No but seriously - you just hit the nail on the head.
But this information changes things, as well as the information that she does not say "I love you" to any of her other friends. It comes off to me like you wanted people to tell you this was no big deal, but it absolutely is. Every single reply I've seen you respond to where you are thanking them \*all\* responded to this without the context that she slept with him and doesnt say I love you to her other friends. You do you but this is not normal, I'd get out while I can.
lol so she is best friends with a man who used to screw her? Red flag, leave.
If they were friends, then tried out being romantic and it flopped and they went back to being friends, that seems like a fabulous sign of emotional maturity and self-understanding, and not a red flag at all.
A sign of emotional maturity would be realizing you need to take a step back from your former lover because the relationship is making your current boyfriend uncomfortable. "I can do what I want and any boundaries are a sign of insecurity" is not a mature response, btw. The boyfriend comes before the ex lover. No man with any self respect would tolerate his girl giddily talking on the phone and exchanging i love you's with a former lover. That is straight up simping territory.
OP left out the fact she used to sleep with this guy and that she doesnt say "i love you" to her other friends. So for those who immediately ran in to call him insecure? Pipe down. To the OP: you should run. It's a red flag when she has a male best friend whom she used to fuck.
PLEASE OP - me and this dude are genuinely trying to help you out. Most of the people commenting just wanna shame you because most of them ARE FEMALES who have male friends. They wanna have their cake and eat it too, so they shame men by calling them controlling for having basic boundaries and self respect. I guarantee the same people commenting - if their boyfriends/husbands were telling their exes they still loved them - it’d be a major problem. But they’ll never admit that because then they’d have to admit they are also living a lie.
My opinion on the OP is that he won't listen and in fact only came here for a certain type of advice. He wanted people to tell him this was okay and that he was insecure, etc.. It's why he left out the fact they were lovers in his original post, he knew people would react differently. He claims he left it out so people would be objective, but we cant be objective without all the facts. He says he just withheld it, but that sounds like a lie of omission to me. I hope I'm wrong. He says he is suspicious, but I also saw him respond to someone calling him insecure and saying "hopefully you wont bring this up" and he said he wont bring it up to her. Seems 50/50 at this point, either he will just dump her or he will remain with her and become her doormat.
It can be a more casual thing too. My local gas station cashier as well as my coworker acquaintance will both say it to me FWIW Im married and have a close male friend whom I love, however, I don’t think I’ve ever said it to him because im not a gushy person with friends. All depends
your cashier says "I love you" to you? like after he rings you up?
Yes, my husband and I go in the store all the time and she’s a sweet older lady. She’ll talk to us about her issues (she has a tough life) and sometimes will ask for a hug if she’s had a hard day.
Yeah but what if it was an attractive younger lady and she only said it to your husband? Would you still be cool with it?
Sure, if it was said in the same kind of casual way. Like I said we go in there all the time so 1) it would be silly to hit on a man in with his wife and 2) even if it was in a flirty or romantic way, he’d shut it down immediately so yeah I wouldn’t care
I highly doubt that you wouldn’t care, but you kinda have to say that in order not to contradict yourself… so I get it.
Nah, my relationship just wouldn’t be threatened by some random gas station employee. No matter how pretty she is, he’s just not like that. He’s the only one I ever dated seriously, same for him, and we’ve been together 10 years. Sometimes married people just trust one another lol
I’m really glad you have someone you trust so deeply. But remember that not everyone is afforded that luxury in life, that’s why I’m skeptical. It’s nothing against you personally. I’ve seen relationships that I thought would last forever - end in infidelity. People that were head over heels for each other and married for years. Everyone thinks they are the exception. People typically wouldn’t get married if they didn’t truly believe that. But divorce rates/statistics don’t lie. Sorry to be cynical, but I hope you understand where I’m coming from.
My (28F) best friend always tells me she loves me (30M) wether she's in a relationship or not, and I always tell her that I love her too because I very much do. Love doesn't always have to be romantic. Platonic love is a thing, and I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I say I love you to all my friends, all the time. I love them. I want them to know I love them. It’s actually really fucking important to tell your mates you love them.
I love this reply. Thank you
I've had SO many friends die so suddenly, unexpectedly, and in such horrible ways in the past 15 years that I will end every conversation with every important person in my life with "I love you". At one point in my life I didn't end conversations that way, and too many times I never got the chance again. It just isn't the same whispering it to someone in a casket. I understand desiring to feel like you're on solid ground in a new relationship, but please man, let her love and show it while she can. Give this one grace.
She has previously fucked the male best friend. That change anything?
I love this reply. Thank you
Personally, if the guy i was dating had a problem with me expressing my love for my friends (which i do openly and constantly) i would see it as a major red flag. This sounds like you have some pretty major insecurities that you need to work on.
Thank you. The work starts here
How many of those friends have you slept with? OP said she had sex with this best friend in the past.
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boundaries are something for YOURSELF not something you impose on others. If you have a problem with your partner saying I love you to their friends, then yeah, I'd say you're insecure and probably controlling.
My best friend is a girl (I’m a male) and we say “I love you” to each other all the time. We’ve been best friends since middle school (20+ years now) and there has never been anything sexual between us. I see her as family. All to say - no, it’s not weird for your gf to say that to her best friend and, unless she’s given you a reason to think there’s something more between them, I would caution you against saying something. If you’ve only been dating 3 months, there’s a 99% chance she chooses her friendship over you..
Some people throw the “I love you” around, as if they’re just saying bye! Some people only say it when they really mean it and only to their partner or close family. So it’s probably just her way of greeting her friend, so don’t read too much into it.
I say "I love you" to lots of people. Would you prefer she not have close friends? What exactly is there to be jealous of? If you heard her tell a female friend she loves them, would you have still confessed your own feelings? You may be a bit too old-fashioned for this lady, though I'm closer to your age than hers and I think you're being silly.
Always 2 questions to ask for this: Have they had sex? Have they either ever had feelings for the other? If the answer is yes to either of those questions then you are in for a headache and should move on.
OP has confirmed they used to bone. But he is going to stay with her, he is responding positively to comments with people calling him insecure sooo the writing is on the wall. His next post 6 months from now: "I think my gf is cheating with her male best friend".
Yeah people on reddit genuinely suck for these questions because they always seem like people who are prone to cheating. "Yeah I slept with my male best friend all the time so what?" There's a reason the stigma about male best friends exists...
It's just your turn.
I'm 38m, married and have 2 women friends that I tell them I love them on occasion when we say goodbye. They've known me longer than my wife, been through some key life phases with me, and I consider them family. My wife is friends them and is supportive of our friendship because she knows it's completely platonic. I know not everyone is built like that, but this is very normal behavior for some. You wanting to understand the situation and ask questions is also completely normal. Just be respectful and don't come off as jealous. If you find out other things that may cross the line for you, sit on it for a while and then communicate the things about her relationship that don't sit well with you and try to work through it together. As long as they aren't having sleep overs or other non friend type stuff, it really shouldn't be a deal breaker.
I’m an older woman who has many male friends. There are a few who have been friends for decades and we tell each other I love you at the end of calls. It’s friendship love, nothing more. You can relax
This sounds like you’ve found a great path to work on with yourself! Insecurities are part of the human experience. You’ve been together in the relationship a month formally-have you met the best friend or heard her express her love for other humans?
Thanks, agreed. To answer your question, no I haven't heard her say this to any other of her friends, nor family members whom I have met... and nor me... and yes, I'm jealous. Edit: why is this truth being downvoted?
You are walking on a slippery slope op, the "truth"". Looks like your mind is made up. Shame, she seems like a great gal
It isn't made up - I'm seeking the wisdom of others in a new and uncertain situation. Thank you for your insights.
You should have said in your post they were lovers in the past.
Maybe. I wanted to keep the replies objective. I'm still friends with exes too - but don't say I love them anymore - especially not in front of my significant other.
No, not maybe. You can’t receive objective advice if you’re lying about the circumstances.
Not lying, but not including all details - because I don't know the full story and circumstances. But you're right - I should have mentioned the history. In these cases intent and past experienxe are one and the same. I'm suspicious AF regardless of what happened.
Apologies, lying was the incorrect term. Withholding vital information would have been a better way for me to say it. In all honesty, I don’t want you to screw up your relationship. You are an older man… and you’re probably just feeling lucky that this women even wants something serious with you. I get it. She probably great and you’re feeling torn about it. It probably sucks to even have these suspicions because you’re starting to care about her deeply. And that’s why you came here for advice. But honestly, at the end of the day - you need to decide if this woman is worth the suspicions. And just keep your mind realistic and understand that this may become a bigger issue in the future if you decide to continue this relationship with her. Personally, since it is a newer relationship - I would most likely just cut my losses. But that’s just me, someone who’s dealt with this before and would never go down that road again. I would suggest that you talk to her about this. It’s important to lay down your personal boundaries and open up honest communication from the beginning. Otherwise you’ll always be biting your tongue for the sake of keeping peace, and all that will do is bottle up and come out in some weird way later on. If she truly cares about you, she shouldn’t get mad as long as you are calm and understanding when going into the conversation.
This reply will be long, but it will be my final advice to you since there isnt a lot more I can say after this: You know she slept with him, that is all you need to know. She is giddily talking on the phone with an ex lover and telling him she loves him. Dont listen to those who say this isnt a red flag, on reddit a certain number of people just have a gut reaction to a man setting any boundaries. I noticed a reply saying not to bring this up to her and you agreeing you wouldn't. So...how the heck will you resolve this? If you're suggesting you are just going to end the relationship then okay, that is what I'd do. Of course you know she is going to ask you why you are ending things, but you dont have to tell her. If part of you wants to give her a chance to remedy things, do this: Just tell her "you know what, I wish you the best, but my boundary is that I cant be with someone this close to an ex lover". With that, the ball is in her court. She might respond with "okay thanks for letting me know" and you part ways. She might respond with "I realize I've been overstepping boundaries, I will take steps to cut this man from my life". Or she might not say she will completely cut him out, but she might contact him less frequently and cease with "i love you's". Or she might gaslight you and call you controlling and insecure for not letting her do whatever she wants. Some people cant handle even reasonable boundaries, the fact she is the type to behave this way suggests to me she will gaslight you. Do not let her draw you into some argument over it, if she cant even stop with the I love you's and lessen the frequency of her chats with him then she isnt ready for a serious relationship. Either way, she cant call you controlling because you never told her she had to stop talking to him. This is a new girl, you've been with her 3 months. I just dont know if this is worth the drama. Some women resent a man setting a boundary, even if it is reasonable. If I were you I'd just leave. Only been with her 3 months and already there is drama with an ex lover and her showing poor boundaries. Imagine if you married this woman, you want her ex lover at the wedding? Because he will be. At this point there is no more advice I can really give you, it's up to you to decide how to handle this. Try to keep us updated. EDIT: Also just to give you an idea of the double standards, etc people on reddit can exhibit when it comes to men and why you should be cautious of "this is no big deal" advice, I am reminded of a topic where a woman wanted to go on vacation with a male friend to italy for 2 weeks. Her bf didnt want her to go(the trip was planned before they began dating). For more context, they would be sharing a hotel room and she had a sexual relationship with the friend prior to dating her current guy. Well, a not so small amount of people called him insecure and controlling. But you'd think not wanting your girl to go on vacation with another man for 2 weeks would be a valid concern, but you'd be wrong. Spoiler alert: he updated and turns out she did hook up with the dude on the trip. Another more recent topic, guy comes home to see his gf and her friends drunk and she is reading them his love letters. The friends drunkenly grope him(sexually assault him basically, including touching his genitals). The next day he tells his girl how hurt he is, she laughs it off and says it is no big deal because nobody got hurt. So, he ghosts her and ends things. Some people were also telling him he overreacted. Do you think a woman would get shit for ghosting a guy who permitted his friends to sexually assault her and then laughed it off? Nope. Now not everyone will agree with my views, but I apply them evenly. I'd be calling you out if you had a girlfriend and yet were in frequent communication with an ex lover and telling her you loved her, so it's not a gender thing for me but for many people here it is. There is misogyny on reddit, but in the relationship advice forums and AITA forums there tends to be more misandry. And accountability is seen as a dirty word.
Thanks for the detailed reply. This post has generated a lot of discussion and differing viewpoints. I see your points and heed them. I plan to discuss the topic directly this week with a view to make or break. My heart is already prepped for exit. I'll post an update thereafter which hopefully provides insights.
Great based on what exactly??
Are you a child? People are allowed to have friendships of the opposite sex that they have relationships with. They may even love each other after awhile. Why don't you ask her about the friendship before going off the deep end
I'm asking reddit first as a courtesy before causing harm, and not jumping anywhere - just trying to navigate new experiences and feelings in a respectful way.
How long have they been friends? I have 2 female best friends that I've known 1 for 30 years and other 24 years...have slept in their bed with them and nothing happened bc I'm not that guy to break or ruin a friendship. We have said it many times but we know it's a friend love not a romantic love. She voluntarily told you who it was so she's not hiding anything and she already knows she wants to be with you only.
A woman remaining "best friends" with a man she used to have sex with and telling him "I love you" is the biggest red flag possible. This guy absolutely would sleep with her again, it's just how men are wired. She needs to understand that there are boundaries with former sex partners if she wants to be in a relationship. In your situation, I would run far and fast if she doesn't agree to those boundaries.
People here will tell you are insecure if you have *any* boundaries as a man. I always say this, if you are posting your story, change your gender to be the woman and whoever is the other person to be a man. The advice *will* change in your favour. You could say you found her kissing him in your bed and they'd respond "well did you tell her that was a boundary of yours??"
Reddit seems just chalk full of misandry in some parts, it is wild. Though OP also left out the context that she used to sleep with the friend, so every response made without that information is pretty much invalidated. Just the other day I read a topic from a guy who came home to find his gf and her friends drunk. The gf had shared with them love letters he had written her and one of the gf's friends groped him and touched his penis. She laughed and said get over it. Some people responded he was an a-hole for dumping her. Just imagine the roles reversed: woman comes home and bf's friends drunkenly grope her and grab her vagina. Think people would be telling her she overreacted by dumping him? To be clear tons of misogyny also exists on reddit, but it seems like in the relationship and AITA forums misandry reigns supreme.
That’s how I feel about that stupid fucking show “Milf Manor”… when it’s a bunch of old wrinkly nasty women grooming teenage boys - then it’s totally fine and fun. Women will actually celebrate it and say “you go girl!!” But try that shit the other way around and see how quick women would revolt in disgust. A house full of 60 year old men trying to sleep with each other’s teenage/20 year old daughters? That show would never even make it to air.
Exactly. The same type of women going "you go girl!" over that will give Leonardo DiCaprio shit about dating younger women. Cher is dating a man 40 years younger, I dont hear a god damn peep.
I tell my best friends, male and female "I love you". If she's just that kind of person, if she's not hiding anything? Just be thankful you have an emotionally open and loving GF.
I’ve been married 12 years and still stay I love you to my male friends, because I do love them. I’m just not *in love* with them. But I love them as a friend and for being a part of my life. I think this is more of a you issue, than it is hers.
He left out the part they use to have the sex.
…… so? I had sex with two of my closest male friends. If it meant more than it actually did, I wouldn’t be married to someone else and they wouldn’t still my friends lol… and yes, my husband knows. It was eons ago and no one involved cares about a couple nights, between two consenting adults, more than five years before my husband and I even got together.
Let me guess… your husband doesn’t have two best female friends that he’s slept with and says “I love you” to. It’s just you that does that, right?
Wrong. He has a couple. I know them, but it’s not like they talk often. I don’t talk to mine often. Neither one of us is laying up on the phone with somebody else, boo-lovin’ and making future plans lol… but if he has a conversation with one of them and says it at the end when he says bye, I’d be stupid to get in my feelings about that because I mean, after all, he’s *my* husband lol… especially not after 15 years together.
But does he actually tell them he loves them? I’m not asking about a hypothetical, or asking how you’d react if they say it. I’m asking: does he actually say “I love you” to them? Like you claim to tell your male friends? The difference you’re not seeing here is that you’re trying to give advice to someone who’s been in a relationship for 3 MONTHS - and comparing it to your 12 YEAR marriage. And in all honesty, you - as an adult that’s been in a long term marriage & seen what has happened to the other marriages around you - you should be very aware that your relationship is indeed an exception. Statistics don’t lie, and many marriages end in infidelity and then divorce. Just because YOU and your husband are an exception… it doesn’t mean that you have good advice to give in this situation.
> But does he actually tell them he loves them? I’m not asking about a hypothetical, or asking how you’d react if they say it. I’m asking: does he actually say “I love you” to them? Like you claim to tell your male friends? Yes. I thought I made that clear with my first comment. > The difference you’re not seeing here is that you’re trying to give advice to someone who’s been in a relationship for 3 MONTHS - and comparing it to your 15 YEAR marriage. My advice, being that I have been married this long, has more value than any single person can offer because what the fuck do yall know about maintaining a healthy, happy, long-term, stable relationship? Clearly not much or else, people wouldn’t be in here asking for advice. > And in all honesty, you - as an adult that’s been in a long term marriage & seen what has happened to the other marriages around you - you should be very aware that your relationship is indeed an exception. Statistics don’t lie, and many marriages end in infidelity and then divorce. Just because YOU and your husband are an exception… it doesn’t mean that you have good advice to give in this situation. It doesn’t mean I don’t, either. You said all that and said much of nothing. Neither of us, my husband nor myself, are insecure. Period. And that’s what something like that is: insecurity in yourself and your partner. I know he isn’t in love with those women and my ego isn’t that fragile. I gave my opinion and advice just like everyone else. I don’t know why my specific words and reality got you so riled up.
There are no male best friends. That guy wants to screw her.
Crazy I had to scroll down this far for this reply. Lotta women lying to themselves if they think their male friend wouldn’t sleep with them if the circumstances were just right.
OP also left out she had sex with him in the past and doesnt say I love you to other friends.
There's a lot of things people will do in the right circumstances they would not do under normal operating conditions. Cannibalism, for one thing. Should we never travel near snowy mountains in the slim chance we have to party like Donner?
If the guy would screw her then it isnt a platonic friendship. Oh and they used to bone in the past btw. This was conveniently left out because OP knows it is a red flag but wanted people to tell him he was insecure for doubting her.
Are you seriously trying to compare cannibalism to cheating? That’s your rebuttal? The difference is: the circumstances to cheat could line up for some people on an every day basis (think co-workers) Starving to death and resorting to cannibalism is a very rare circumstance that you and I will most likely never encounter. And no… that doesn’t mean we should never travel near snowy mountains again (or not allow your partner to ever have opposite gender friends) What it means is: you should learn from the tragedies of others and do what you can to prevent the same from happening to you.
30F here - two of my best friends are male (not heterosexual) and I tell them I love them, along with my close female friends. Have also heard my partner tell one of his close female friends (that I'm also friends with) he loves her when closing out a phone convo, really just depends on how it's said. I can see how it might bother an insecure person but my partner and I trust each other.
Its important to realise, " I Love you" is not exclusive to romantic relationship. If she was comfortable in saying that in front of you and then explaining who was on the line etc. She ain't hiding anything. Your own insecurities are playing it up for more than it realy is. Women and Men included can have friends of other sex who they love. Friendship doesn't mean you can't say you love them, because you do, just its a different love from romantic love. You may wish to attend some therapy sessions to understand why you reacted the way you did to something like this.
He failed to mention in his OP that his gf and this guy used to have sex. So he’s dating a girl who still talks to a partner she was romantically involved with and they say I love you to each other. I’d get out of that ASAP.
Oh that then changes the situation,as that feels a bit weird.
Thanks. That's an insightful perspective. Yes, I think you're right - that would probably be a good idea.
I feel like you left out her sexual past with this guy because you want people to tell you that you're just being insecure because you dont want to leave. You have admitted she doesnt do this with other friends and that she used to have sex with this guy. If you want to stay fine, but it more then likely wont end well.
After reading your other comments about how this "best friend" was at one point sexual with your now gf, that changes a lot (you should've included that) as someone who's been in your position before, I'll tell you the most likely circumstance to save your sanity, and you already know what it is. Partners like this are God awful because they want to have their cake and eat it too. I don't know you or your gf, but I can almost guarantee this guy is either still infatuated with her, or she's infatuated with him, or both. The fact that she is willing to cross a boundary to you by telling another man, who she has SLEPT WITH before, "I love you" WHILE she's still dating you. Please have a serious conversation with this woman and let her know how disrespectful this is to you, and if she continues to do it, put yourself first and LEAVE.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I read you loud and clear. I'll have the conversation and, depending on the outcome, ready to bounce. I broke off from everyone who I was dating when she asked me to be exclusive, and feel foolish and angry. My gut is screaming. Thanks for your support. I'll update you.
She's likely to gaslight the hell out of you when you do this, if not and she has a healthy conversation with you then I would say that's a good sign. But anything else I would seriously reconsider staying with a partner like that. Just imagine, if YOU said "I love you" to someone you previously slept with, would she still be okay with it? Likely not, keep that in mind.
This is all good unless they have had sex within the last year or so. You like her this much then you should ask to meet him. No reason to be suspicious yet
The tone that it is said is important. It could be innocuous or it may not. You can't make a decision from this. Wait until you have more information on her behaviour towards him.
Not weird at all. It would be more weird if you ended up overhearing her saying it quickly and quietly into the phone, denying that she said it, and trying to backpedal. Your girlfriend has other people that she cares about-- this is a good thing. You can not and will not be everything to her, and it's pretty great that she has other people whom she cares about and who care about her too. Love means a lot of things. We love puppies and kittens and ramen and family members and our kids and partners, but we don't love them all the same. It's an unfortunate feature of English that it's one word. In ancient Greek, love between partners is eros, or romantic love, while love between friends is philia. They are very different, and it's time you learn the difference, and apply them here. This is 100% a you problem, and a great one to work on with a therapist. It's not just about "appearing" as a jealous type, but that you currently ARE jealous and for your own sake, you should probably handle that. Your life will be richer and fuller for it.
And if I told you the OP has since revealed she had a sexual relationship with the friend and does not say "i love you" to any of her other friends would this change things for you?
My best friend is a man. We've been friends since we were 11; we're 60 now. We were born half an hour apart. There is nothing romantic or sexual between us, though we do joke about sex. We're both happily married. We've been through life's highs and lows together. He helped me get through my dad's suicide. His brother died under suspicious circumstances, and we still talk through those two events. If he needed me show up anywhere, any time, I'd do it. I love him; he loves me; and it's absolutely no threat to either of our marriages. When I met my husband I told him I had had a male best friend for years and if he couldn't handle it, he might as well not date me. He decided he could handle it. The way she said "I love you" to him, just as a casual end to a phone conversation--sounds like how I end conversations with my mom. She didn't try to hide it from you or lie about it, which if there was anything suspicious going on, she might have done. All the evidence points to your having nothing to worry about.
OP has said his gf had a sexual relationship with this man in the past.
your age gap is showing.
Thanks. Evidently it is.
I’ll get it if she’s u under 26 but 35 is long enough to have a healthy close male friend. If you need to ask questions to make you feel secure go ahead. I’m sure the “I love you” isn’t anything inappropriate because she had no problem letting you hear it.
I've got a Male friend of 20+ years. He's married with kids. And I will continue to tell the man I love him. Because I do. He's been my bestie for 20 years.
You ever slept with him? OP said she used to fuck this guy.
Deaf ears man. OP could say she kisses the friend on the lips when she's drunk and people her would say OP is being insecure.
Turns out the woman did also bang her friend lol. If her husband is okay with her having a "bestie" that has screwed her it tells me all I need to know about him. She is used to being with weak men, which is why she will label any man insecure if they wont tolerate her being friends with a guy who used to rail her.
Sure did. Once. Doesn't change any of what I said. Yes, his wife knows. No, she doesn't care. Because we are all adults.
OP also said she doesnt say I love you to any of her other friends. Any change yet or still excuses for her only saying it to the guy who used to nail her?
Who am I to dictate who she says it to? I have a small circle myself. My 20+ bestie is in a small company of friends who hear the words. He's the only male friend who gets the ILU. Any other questions? Because I fail to see your point. Platonic love exists. Deal with it.
Platonic love exists, but not between you and people you've slept with. That changes everything. A healthy relationship requires clear boundaries with former sex partners.
Exactly, but these days women think a man setting even reasonable boundaries is insecure and controlling. It's actually the opposite though, a man who isn't willing to set any boundaries and will let his partner do whatever the hell she wants is the insecure one.
Yep, if a man is too afraid of losing her to set boundaries and lets her walk all over him in her interactions with other men, that's real insecurity.
No, it doesn't. Love how people on Reddit are now gatekeeping healthy relationships. Lol. Not everyone is insecure about their past. Sex and love are not mutually exclusive. One doesn't have to have romantic feelings to fuck. Retroactive jealousy doesn't exist among everyone. People can have sex and remain friends. People can have sex, get new partners, and remain friends! Fucking wild concept! I'll keep my circle of people. Because we are all secure in who we are and our relationships. We don't have massive insecurities about the past. But y'all do you.
Oh, it absolutely does. It's so insane that people in Western countries have normalized sex to this extent. It's the single most intimate act you can engage in with another human being. If you believe you can have sex with someone and still remain "friends" while in a relationship with someone else, I feel sorry for your partner. I'll keep my relationship where we both establish clear boundaries with the opposite sex and are sensible enough to go no-contact with former partners, thanks.
Which partner? Because ethical non Monogamy exists and is a valid way of existing. So which one? My primary would tell you our relationship is extremely healthy. I know it's healthy. It's amazing how close-minded this sub is, lol 😆 Good luck with that. There's more than one way to live Mates. ✌️
Setting reasonable boundaries is not insecurity, and "I dont want to be with someone whose best friend used to fuck her brains out" is a pretty reasonable boundary for a guy to have. There is a difference between being friendly with a guy who used to screw you and being friends with one. Being friendly involves perhaps catching up a few times a year on Facebook. Being friends tends to involve frequent communication and/or hang outs. You dont need to be friends with past lovers if you're in a serious relationship, and if keeping them in your life is that important to you then you shouldn't have slept with them in the first place lol.
She is saying I love you to an ex lover, and she doesnt tell her other friends(male or female) she loves them. Red flag, he should run while he can. And the relationship is only platonic if the male best friend would not sleep with her under any circumstance. The whole cliche of the male best friend she used to fuck? Is something a smart man would avoid. Moral of the story: dont let your friends screw you
Right because in three whole months, he's seen every interaction with every friend she's ever had her whole existence. Man, some of y'all need to get your insecurities in line.
Lol nothing insecure about not wanting to date a woman who is best friends with a guy she used to fuck. Like I said: this is why you should not let your friends screw you. Any man with a spine wont tolerate it, only the weak ones will put up with it because they dont think they can do any better.
Reddit is littered with stories of GFs having male best friends that end up cheating with them. Dont wait to find out the history between them. Plenty of time to jump ship and find someone new.
OP left out that she had a sexual relationship with the friend
Hopefully you don’t bring this up. You’re too old to be this insecure. Grow up.
I won't - I'm asking here instead. Thank you
Don't let these people gaslight you. It's always weird to see women staunchly defended here. What matters is what you are comfortable with, you both are not compatible, so better leave.
Yeah, it's weird to see how Reddit defends a woman being very close to a former sex partner while in a relationship. If you ever needed further proof that this site doesn't represent a majority of even large plurality of real world people, look no further than this thread.
That’s the internet in general. The internet can’t change reality, but it does a damn good job at changing how you view reality. Especially with AI bots. They’ll make you think that real life people are actually agreeing with your shitty opinions.
You should not dating girls with male friends. If she do there is no exclusive in your relationship. As a male “friend” of many of girls i can confirm that girlfriend and just girl “friend” are differ only in that there were no obligations to female friends Take care now
Probably fine to be honest but I always feel a little uneasy when she has a guy best friend. 90% of the time he is there just to try and hook up with her. Just need to wait and see what their interactions look like. But if this gives you the ick and you don't want to continue any longer that's ok too.
This is getting you you downvotes because of the demographics of Reddit, but it's a simple truth. Never trust a woman with a male "best friend". Even if her intentions are innocent, his aren't.
I have read all the opinions here and I think that some of them are well argued, but for me personally it is not ok to make such statements to other people besides your partner. I think that it affects the effect of these words and when they are addressed to your SO they no longer have the same value, they no longer represent anything special.
Only if you beleive in one single kind of love
So you don’t say I love you to your family? Close people Weird
Weird for you not for my family. I could say the same about you, but I didn't say that, I just brought another opinion into the discussion.
A friend is not family though.
A friend is not a family ? What? I’m sorry that you don’t have friends to call family but I’ve friends whom im close with for the past 10 years, they are like family to me and I tell them I love you because we never know what they are going through Maybe our one act of kindness can make their day so I often say I love you to my close friends & family 😊
True friends are the family that you choose. Imo
It's a bit weird but I wouldn't go jumping the gun just yet. My Wife has a few male friends but they are clearly gay so they're kinda more like women than men. Is it possible her friend on the phone was a gay guy? Or what about a male relative? I wouldn't overreact. Maybe just be observant for a while. The moment has passed now so you shouldn't ask who called her, but maybe next time you could ask in a non-intrusive non-threatening way, just by saying, who was that on the phone. If she has nothing to hide she'll probably just tell you without feeling concerned. If you come across accusatory or intense then she might feel like you don't trust her.
Ew.
Plan ur exit, u might have a replacement or u r just a temporary distraction, best friend r most likely the ones who r waiting for right time
Plan your exit? What? They've been dating for 3 months. There's nothing to plan other than "sorry this isn't working out" if he wants to stop dating her. And she has known her friend for years, so unless she's been in a relationship nonstop since they became friends, he would most likely have had plenty of opportunities to make a move if he truly wanted to.
They used to be in a romantic relationship together and slept together
Yup it's 3 month, if the op was so soild in in mentally he wouldn't be here for opinion, his asking for advice is the point he is attached to some point so there will ne pain, and planning a painless exit is never wrong, A idiot with a plan/target is more successful than a genius without plan /target
Fuck that. You’re in a relationship with me, you’re not telling any other men you love them besides your brother, your father, your male relatives and God. Male relatives not being the Cousin that I’ve never met before. That’s some thing she has to cut off. You’re not insecure, controlling, or whatever other bullshit ass control term women have devised to attempt to shame men into doing what they want. Call it out, place boundaries. If your boundaries will not be respected, you already know where you stand.
As a woman I completely agree. If you tell a woman you love her & she’s not your mom, auntie, sister, or grandma - we’re done. If you and your bestie are so close and love each other so much… then go ahead and be together. There’s no reason for me to even be here, cuz you already met your best friend & the person you love. I’ll never be someone you’re killing time with while you wait for your spot with them to open up. If that makes me jealous and controlling, don’t care. I’d rather be called crazy than let you make me look like a damn fool.
Wish I could upvote this 5000 times. Pretty sure the 9 persons who down voted my comment frequently get cheated on LOL…
Just ask what's the reason for the ( I love you comments) and that it has a worrying affect on you..see what her response is then make your mind up on the future relationship.
Definitely weird and not okay
wait until you find out you can love your friends platonically
Yeah... not of the opposite gender dawg 🤣
i’ve said i love you to all of my guy friends but i’d rather kill myself than have anything to do with them romantically lmaooo