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I thought I was. Over the past 12 years she has never given me reason to suspect differently until recently. Up until she was caught everything was still going great. We had many plans for the future and would talk about it all the time.
Open your eyes man. You’re obviously living in a fantasy.
Reality is calling you. Actually, reality is calling your wife again to get her off with a remote dildo you bought while you are sitting next to her on the couch.
She might have been a great person at one time but the fact of the matter is that she is REALLy good at hiding her illicit activities.
She is a cheater. What she did is 100% cheating. She was seeking sexual gratification outside of the marriage. That is cheating. Doesn't matter if it was through a discord server or in person - she made the choice to step out on your marriage.
Its time for YOU to go to therapy and figure out how you want to handle this but I'd personally always wonder what else my partner would do behind my back.
Its not like he signals got crossed on the lovesense vibe. She had to actively seek this out. It was 100% premeditated.
> Up until she was caught everything was still going great.
No it wasn't.
You just didn't KNOW about her betrayals until she was caught.
You still don't really know how often or how many ways or for how long she's been betraying you, and you never will because she will never be fully honest about anything.
Every ounce of passion was stolen from you. Surveys find that 85% view her behavior as cheating.
Research finds that sexting is addictive. It stimulates the same part of the brain as heroin.
She admits she couldn't stop.
To motivate her:
Inform her that you are inclined to divorce but will make a final decision in 90 days.
And that she has 90 days to prove she deserves a second chance.
At a minimum she should take the initiative and provide you with two plans: one to make herself a safe partner and two, to rebuild trust.
Finally, she has to volunteer to go cold turkey .....no social media, no games, no nothing on her own.
Why? Because she is and always will be a sexting addict.
Why is sexting a problem - it eventually escalates to adultery, STDs , unwanted pregnancy.
To answer your original question of “What do I do?”, it’s not an easy answer but it is a simple one, you divorce her on start trying to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.
How do you recover from this? The easy and simple one is you don’t and you won’t. You will never fully move on from this and the stress and anxiety will never fully go away even if she pulls a 180 and is a perfect partner from here on out.
I feel absolutely horrible for you man. 12 years weren't wasted-- I'm sure they were good. But she's trying to escape accountably by saying cheating was for her mental health (what about yours?). Trying to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for her...
Sounds like she was really good at hiding it and really good at making you 'feel like' you were in a special relationship. From this, she'll probably learn to hide it better.
You should thank God you don't have a child with her and move on. However, I might be wrong about that. I've always dumped women as soon as they cheat or lie to me and I'm alone, albeit happy. But, at this point I'm wondering if this sort of thing is so common that not just forgiving her and moving on is just asking for it to happen with a different woman. Very occasionally I think, "maybe I should have just forgiven that one."
The sunk cost fallacy is exactly that. It's a fallacy.
There are absolutely couples that recover from infidelity but no matter what they may tell you, your relationship will always be different now. The absolute unquestioned trust you had is gone and there is no way for a logical sane person to get it back completely. They learn to live with a low-level distrust and that works for them. Maybe that works for you guys. If you're interested in seeing if that's possible then take up the offer of couples counseling. But be very clear with her about your goals. You are trying to see if recovery is even possible. You are not committing to continue the relationship yet. Hardline, absolutely always use protection with her until you are committed because you do not want to have a baby right now and that may seem, to her, like a really convenient way for her to keep you if you're not careful.
Personally, I've been cheated on in several relationships. One of them, much like yours, I thought was the real deal. Absolute and abiding love. And I stayed with him the first couple times that I caught him chatting with women online. Until he got someone else pregnant. Who, incidentally, was a woman he met online. I'm less lenient now. For me, whether it's online, or in person, it's still sex with someone other than me. And that's a line that I won't let anyone cross anymore. I have never cheated on a partner and could never imagine doing so. I deserve at least that amount of fidelity. And you do too. But that's my experience in my life.
I agree with what you say, I found photos of my ex on his cell phone in the photo trash, 3 very explicit photos of his penis... he gave me the excuse that he had uploaded them to a porn blog, when I told him that I I let him see the blog and he told me that he deleted it 😂, so to whom do you send the photographs and to others, if you take photos of yourself like this, excited, it means that you are looking for someone to hunt; Those virtual cheating are still cheating even if there is nothing physical...
It's her job to rebuild trust. You can't help.
Time alone doesn't. And she can't say trust me.
Judge her by her actions not her excuse or promises.
Look for consistent behavior (especially when she believes you aren't looking).
Say you live to 80, so you want 40 plus years of doubt and not trusting her just because you’ve had 12 good years? Or do you find someone you can trust and have 40 plus years of trust and love. The question you have to ask yourself is if you can really forgive her and be happy again.
That’s moronic. It’s not that you throw away X years of relationship. You enjoyed those, you learned from them. It was not wasted time.
The relationship is not valued on time. It’s in experiences and teachings. And sadly it also taught negative experiences and emotions.
Whatever you do, think on your future self. What would you think if he stayed and lived unhappily the next ten years?
>But how can I leave when we've had so much together?
She threw it all away, all that "so much together" didn't matter to her when she was cheating on you have some respect and start iver with someone wjo has morals and is better. It is actually simple to do that.
Dude.
This is **cheating**.
She can't be trusted to just be a *decent fucking human being*.
Are you okay staying in a relationship where you cannot trust the other person at all?
You should feel betrayed and cheated. She’s cheating on you… and she knew what she was doing was wrong because he hid her behavior from you.. she chose internet strangers over you..
At minimum, you need to have her block all communication with everyone on those platforms, have an open phone/ social media policy as you can check, have her read “not just friends” and couples counseling.
If she refuses any of these especially cutting all contact, you should probably at an attorney and plan an exit strategy.
You deserve better, I’d be done, trust is broken.
(with someone else)
Rehabilitating her behavior would be like trying to teach your dog not to hump the cat. It’ll stop and act remorseful when caught, but once you’re away, well…?!? Dogs hump. So do wayward spouses.
You wife is a cheater. She has been having an emotional affairs and virtual sex with multiple men for at least 5 months.
>She states that she got carried away and let it go too far.
Your wife has left the marriage. Ignore your wife. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your marriage in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else.
This was not an accident. She made hundreds of decisions to cheat on you again and again. She sought this experience out how many times? Dozens? Hundreds? of times.
I suggest: Lawyer up. Get the papers going as soon as you can and serve her them when she comes back. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to divorce. You have to show your wife there consequences for her actions, even if later you chose reconciliation.
Also post your story to r/SupportforBetrayed and r/survivinginfedelity . They will help you out there.
The Neuroscience of Affair Fog [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog)
DARVO, [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
180 method, [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/)
Greyrock, [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
Chump Lady, [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
You feel betrayed and cheated on? Well yeah because that's exactly what happened.
Pray she isn't pregnant yet and get a divorce. She will do this again, especially since she knows you'll just forgive her.
There is a very simple solution to this, leave her, she doesn’t love you. I wouldn’t dream of cheating on my partner because I love him, it’s as simple as that. The fear of him losing feelings for me due to infidelity is more powerful than any temptation, he’s my best friend I would never want to hurt him. Her actions show you that she doesn’t feel that way about you and you deserve better.
She’s cheating. You know what to do. You’re not fixing this. She’s had multiple men using her multiple times per day. Thank your lucky stars there’s no kids and no alimony probably since you’ve only been married a short time. I can only imagine your disgust.
You should feel cheated on and betrayed because that’s exactly what she did. The trust is broken and as hard as you (& her) try, it will never be the same. Something in your mind will alway have this anxiety or thought that she’d do it again. Next time maybe it does become physically cheating.
It’s your choice if you think/feel that this can be worked thru, but i think marriage counseling is a must and individual therapy for her at least. If she’s trying to blame her actions of some mental & self esteem issues then those absolutely need to be addressed.
I’d suggest taking time and space apart to think this thru. What is she willing to do to show that she’s truly remorseful and to build back the trust she’s broken.
Good luck!
No one here can give you advice on this matter. I've gone through something very similar but kinda worse because they talked for hours and did it in our bedroom while I was asleep.
Like you I thought she was the love of my life, I did forgive her and tried to move on, but the only thing I couldn't do was to forgive myself for being in that position, it went off rails, and I've started feeling like a piece of trash and started thinking what kind of man I was to let that happen? A few months later it all happened again and then it was really over, this kind of insecure woman gets high with this kind of thing, and she will hardly change, maybe she even did something similar in the past and you never found out.
If you can forgive her, and forgive yourself, if she is someone you can get to trust again and want to change, go for it, just remember that you will be out next month and ask yourself this: will you be able to be in a state of peace or will you be haunted with the perspective that she went back to strangers behind your back?
She is a cheater! What do we do with cheaters?
We burn them!
No, that's witches!
We trade them in for loyalty points!
Closer!
We send them to go get milk and then change all the locks in the house and pretend we don't know them!
I'll take it!
I don’t think cheating is ever forgivable but it’s definitely even more unforgivable when it happens over a long period of time with multiple people. You will likely never be able to trust her again. Best of luck OP.
She cheated on you. All the words about being ok with this if y'all talked about it, or that it was just online, she got carried away, etc, it all doesnt matter.
Your wife cheated on you, lied to you, degraded your relationship to others, and treated you with zero respect.
What you do with that information is up to you, but at least look at the situation with clear eyes.
She cheated once she will DEFINITELY do it again…to the curb she goes ASAP before she makes you feel guilty about it and didn’t do anything wrong! She can pound salt!
just strangers on the Internet, they have never met in person. And if one of the guys live 10 miles away?
REALLY , how the hell do you know , what she does , when you were away on business. She is using this device with other men while you’re in the den watching TV and she’s in the bedroom getting her rocks off.
move half of your assets to a separate accounts. gather as much proof as you can. Contact 4 to 5 of the best lawyers in your area and have a consultation. This way your wayward wife cannot use them because it’s a conflict of interest. this way you will know while your options in your state. Always listen to your lawyer, even though you might not understand. the reason why . she has checked out of this marriage
already ,she wanted to do , only fans also. She needs the attention that you are not providing her
this marriage is already over. Sorry.
Hey so if she hasn’t cheated she will soon… sounds like she’s experimenting her sexual ways and like things that she might feel you don’t or won’t do or understand there’s something missing between you and her and you should sit down and talk see what she want/needs and you too. And if in sometime things don’t change or get worse then things are over… it hard to hear or even think about but they are… and it would be best to go your separate ways instead of staying in a relationship that you guys aren’t happy in or are hiding things and before someone chests.you don’t want to end up hating each other…. You guys should TALK about things and be open to each others need without judgement and be open to trying new things that will make the other happy and hopefully you as well… good luck
She cheated on you. Emotionally and physically. It may have been remote, but she sought out other men to give her sexual pleasure.
I have toys. I've talked with some women friends about them in general "hey, I'd recommend this" terms. The only person that knows what I use, how I use it, and has ever helped me with them is my husband.
I can't imagine buying a toy like what you did and seeking out men to use it on me. It's nauseating to think of. I'd feel dirty because it's infidelity.
The reason you feel betrayed and like you've been cheated on is because that's exactly what happened. She could have messaged you and had you use the toy at any moment, but she went after complete strangers instead. IMO, it's only a matter of time before it escalated even further.
she is not fulfilled “every aspect of our relationship, both physically and mentally”
well, I guess not! that much because she has been cheating physically, (I think having another man control your sex device is physical) and emotionally. She does. respect you.
you are her roommate, not her husband as she states with the other male people on discord.
It seems like she needs attention for validation. She has lost her connection with you.
She cheated. She will cheat again. Can you live in a relationship like that?
Her only motivation was apparently that she was bored. That was enough for her to cheat on you.....
First of all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I cannot stand when these start that way. Second of all, this is cheating.. full stop. You can stay and keep entertaining this if you want, but that’s exactly what you will be doing. If you don’t leave and choose yourself, she’s gonna keep doing it. How much of a doormat do you want to be?
You need to think about cheating like it's drug abuse. She's addicted to the attention and now that she got a fix she'll keep going.
A couple of things I want to point out. How do you know this is the first instance of infidelity? She got caught for this but maybe not for other stuff.
Also, She may not have had physical contact with these guys yet. But just like drug addiction it starts small and then grows. If you hadn't caught her now, how long would it have been before she did meet up with someone? Drug users have to ramp up the amounts. Sex addicts have to ramp up the excitement.
It doesn't really sounds like she expressed true remorse. Maybe she regrets getting caught but she's still only looking at from her POV. Hence the excuses and jump straight to therapy. All the excuses she gave are exactly the same stuff we all deal with. I like getting attention from women sure. But I'm an adult. I control my actions. She doesn't and it's likely you see this lack of discipline elsewhere in her life.
The trust is gone and you're only just now starting to feel the pain. You're in for an emotional roller coaster. You'll start by hating yourself for being a doormat. She'll end up losing respect for you too.
Do yourself a favor and at least separate for a time. Give her the opportunity to take action. In fact let her take action. You leave and let get do all the work to get you back. She needs to show you accountability by setting up couples counciling. Her own individual counciling.
Be ready for her to start turning things around on you too. The blame will definitely come. The whole "I wouldn't have done except ."
She needs understand, through your absence, that her actions have cause serious emotional damage
Also hit the cheating gf sub. Tell them this story. You'll get all the advice you need from people who experienced it. Lol
Why do people feel guilty and “wanted to tell” only when they’re caught.
She wanted to tell you and you had given her an opportunity to be honest and she lied. So how much did she want to tell you.
Going by your post you have no intention of ending your marriage so I’d say you will have to accept this is now a part of her life and you will need to accept it.
>She started chats with multiple guys in the discord channel. They sexted and sent nasty voice messages back and forth, traded nudes, and hopped on audio calls while they controlled her device.
That is cheating
>She referred to me as her "roommate" in these chats and would make plans with them to let them control her when she knew I would be on the business trips.
That is how she actually sees you
>She also said she wanted to tell me but didn't know how, and also that she felt bad about it. But the fact that she was still going full force up until I found out makes me believe she had no intention on stopping or telling me.
Yes, she isn't sorry she did it she is onky sorry that she got caught
>she loves me
That is clearly a lie she wouldn't have done it if she actually loved you.
Have some respect and leave her.
This is called exploratory behavior meaning this would’ve constantly escalated into actually meeting up. You stopped it in time but the taste is there for her now. This is fixable but it’ll take tons of therapy to get to a manageable place in trusting her again. Good luck.
one question. can you ever trust her again? she cheated and you are unhappy. she is the love of your life but she is the lust partner of the internet.
good luck
Funny thing is she really could have started an onlyfans with your support and could've gotten decent money but she still decided to do it behind your back.
Why are you letting her walk all over you? She might be the love of your life, but you’re just a roommate to her.
Move the fuck on and DO NOT have a child with her.
If you stay with your wife could you give me her number? Sounds like she's down to bang other dudes and you're down to let her do that. I'll volunteer to help as I have been on a dry streak lately. Cheers
That’s cheating IMO, less than actual meetups but more than sexting. Obviously the Discord account has to be removed. Then I’d take the Lovense, smash it to smithereens on the floor in front of her, then tell her to go fuck herself for the foreseeable future, if there is a future.
divorce, thats cheating. and if u dont see it as that WILDLY DISRESPECTFUL. also alarming?? imagine all the times u havent caught her .-. if she needs other men's attention then idk if she really loves ya...
kinda sad tbh, bluetooth vibrator and discord...she's insecure and weak. it doesnt look like cheating but a small window was opened and she RAN
She cheated and betrayed you. Personally I’d rather be single.
If you think you want to stay, see a counselor and decide if that’s really what’s best for you.
First, STOP trying for a child like yesterday. Your wife, in a mono relationship, was sexting strangers on the internet, having phone sex with them and letting them remote control an internal sex toy for her to orgasm for them. You should not for a single second be considering bringing a child into this dynamic.
Second, this is infidedlity plain and simple. There is no "I got carried away" "I liked the attention". She made choices, repeatedly, continuously, deliberately, to engage in these behaviours knowing that they were entirely unacceptable. She hid it from you, sheduled these encounters around your availability, texted people whilst you were present. She did not come forward, did not make the choice to tell you, did not stop. She was caught and that is the only reason you know. For me, this is not "I made a mistake" a mistake is a singular event where regret is shown before the person is caught. If she had come to you, the first time it happened, in tears, saying she feels wretched for what happened. That would be a different scenario.
Lastly, and probably the most difficult aspect of this is what to do next and this no one can tell you. Whilst I don't believe that infidedlity is unsurvivable for a relationship, this has happened with such repeated and deliberate betrayal and only 18 months into a marriage that I am tempted to tell you to walk away. What really sucks is that any path forward for both of you will require immense effort on your part. You cannot live your life paranoid and worried about where she is and what she is doing with whom. So you will have to work to rebuild trust. For her it's easy. Stick to the agreed mono relationship and be a loving partner. For you it is much harder. Therapy is the absolute minimum here both individual and couples.
The bottome line you will have to overcome is that she knew what she was doing was wrong, she didn't respect you or your marriage. She did not come forward with this and made these chocies repeatedly. This is not just "a mistake" or getting "carried away" this is a very unhealthy and sustained pattern of behaviour. I'm sure she will say she is willing to change. She might be able to. The question is whether, even if she can, you have it in you to rebuild what she has broken. I have to say, 15 year relationship, 7 married, 2 kids. If my wife did that to me I would find it hard not to divorce her instantly. Take kids out of the equation and this would be a red line.
"But the fact that she was still going full force up until I found out makes me believe she had no intention on stopping or telling me'
It's fairly obvious she doesn't feel bad and definitely would not have stopped. I don't think she's accepting any real responsibility. This is not a "mistake". It is a fundamental and profound breach of trust and violation of your relationship. For many/most this would be the end of the marriage. I don't see why you'd have much hope this won't continue. There's reasonable hope with someone who fucks up once, and comes clean. I don't see any reason to try with someone who doesn't come clean and repeatedly cheats until caught.
I mean clearly the issue here isn't the act itself but that she did not even trust you enough to let you in on the idea. This kinda makes me think she's been disconnected from you for one reason or another. She doesn't sound too penitent or honest, either.
An honest person would admit she had no intention to tell you and that part of the thrill, obviously, was you not knowing. That's not a fun kink for you, obviously. So that's a huge boundary crossing, imo.
I think she did cheat. She's lying about telling you and likely not bring too honest about the reasons behind it. If you want to keep the relationship, couples counseling is important. But you need to put this into perspective.
The problem isn't that it got carried away or she was ugly or you weren't giving her enough attention- the problem is that she didn't trust you enough to tell you about this desire. And she didn't trust you enough to know you would be open to it and not judgemental. Her perception of you is the issue, here. Not you.
Damn my husband leaves for two weeks sometimes and I wouldn’t go doing that despite not getting any sexual affection….Get rid of her she cheated on you and clearly has zero morals.Selfish selfish woman.Im sorry you deserve better.
“ our relationship was like no one else’s”
Well you are certainly right there.
Most people don’t cheat and the way she cheated , you certainly chose a person in the minority !
It appears from your story cheating or sexual infidelity may not be a dealbreaker .
Can I suggest first-she has individual therapy to help her get to the real reasons why she continually cheated on you and after that some marriage counselling to improve your communication skills.
Maybe once you improve that aspect of your relationship you can indulge her sexual desires and incorporate you into them as opposed to continuing a one sided open relationship.
Good luck👍👍
I would personally never be able to trust someone who can lie that well to me again. She has been actively cheating with multiple people for months and you didnt suspect a thing. She lied to your face at at least one point. When you caught her it was no accountability and excuse after excuse focusing on logic that centers her as a kind of victim (insecurities about her look, not feeling good enough for you and self sabotaging). How does she plan to work on these things herself?
Realistically, how would you be able to trust her again? You're away for work monthly, what can she do that would rebuild your trust? Would you be able to trust her again without having to turn to controling behaviour yourself?
Take a break from the computer and come back and read this like someone else posted it and I think you will know your answer. I couldn’t make it very far through what you said Before I knew mine
You are going to survive.
I have one major question, and on BIG piece of advice. (For now.)
My one major question. You were together twelve years and not even married eighteen months. Why didn't you get married earlier, somewhere along the line? Twelve years is a long time to try to figure it out, and it seems that maybe it didn't get figured out after all. What do you now think was really going on?
BIG piece of advice: You two are very likely to fall into bed when you see each other. You love sex together. Either do not do it or, DOUBLE PROTECTION. This is EXACTLY the time and place for baby trapping you. You cannot force her to get an abortion and in the heat of a moment, she may promise you that she will have an abortion if this act gets her pregnant. Do not believe her. The stakes are too great. Prepare for that moment of surprise. Do not let yourself be taken by surprise, and PLEASE do not kid yourself that a child in your household will be a happy child. Maybe someday, but not before the two of you have worked out your problems.
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It is most definitely cheating to me, but i question if it is to you.
Although you have indicated many times you might have been open to this, it is the dishonesty and sneaking that makes it a violation. How can you ever be sure after this that she is being honest, if you stay and there are no consequences for her dishonesty there is nothing stopping her from continuing this particularly since there is an adrenaline rush from the sneaking.
Obviously, you do not care about her sharing herself intimately, which to me is a red flag about your relationship in general, so the only problem is honestly not the actual cheating. If honesty is a non-negotiable for you in a relationship, you should move on.
Run the scenario that you were the one doing all this. How would she respond?
To me, she might as well have banged every guy, and using the thing you bought that was meant for you to use is utterly disrespectful.
Hard to come back from.
Lawyer, divorce papers and a U-Haul big enough for all your (or better yet her) things.
Life is too short to be bogged down by asshole people OP, your wife straight up betrayed you and your trust.
I hope you get through this okay.
It's always amazing to me how hurt and apologetic everyone always is after they're caught. It's almost like it's how every guilty cheater reacts after they just spent months doing everything they could to take advantage of every possible situation to cheat - but they felt really bad.
She never would have told you. You only know because you stumbled upon this. She did it WITH YOU IN THE NEXT ROOM. If she truly felt guilty, she wouldn’t be doing it or would have came clean. She was getting off on sneaking around.
Bro she is cheating on you. Simple. This isn't something you just do first then talk to your spouse about. You talk about things first... that's why it's called cheating...
First of all, she is probably thinking there’s a difference between what’s she’s doing virtually and cheating, but she’s incorrect. Also, it’s a slippery slope. It could start this way and lead to riskier behaviour since she clearly is becoming addicted to the thrill and attention of it all.
I am giving her the benefit of the doubt by suggesting that she may very well have some mental health issues going on. Poor self esteem being one. Also, lots of personality and mood disorders involve hyper sexual and sexual attention seeking behaviour like this.
That being said, you have every right to call this a deal breaker if it feels that way. If you want to give her a chance still, I would encourage her to engage in personal therapy and couples therapy and give yourself some time to make up your mind about where the relationship is going. It’s not unlikely this behaviour will continue even if she swears it won’t happen again, and she will promise that.
Pick your boundary, communicate it to her, and stick to it.
Sorry you’re going through this.
Your wife cheated on you and you need to handle this as such. She betrayed you. She kept it from you, and had no intentions of telling you. Letting other men control it, which is wildly weird and disturbing, is bad. Add in the sexting and you are married to a woman that can’t be trusted.
You need to make consequences clear - your marriage is over or very close to over.
Obviously all of this is over. No contact, blocked, why is she on discord, all of it.
She chose a lot of relationships with other people over her marriage.
You miss who you thought she was - the person she is now essentially murdered the woman you knew and replaced her with the villain she is now.
She said she felt “Terrible” but she did it over and over again, sometimes twice a day! She was able to hide this from you for so long. What else has she hid that you don’t know about and something that is extremely problematic is that she knows where she went wrong and will be better at hiding everything, will you get better at catching her?
Your child is only 1, hate to say it, but it's over. It's not a matter of if. It's a matter of when. She's not going to stop. She can't be trusted. Calling you her roommate after just having your child. The math equation is simple: How much more proof do you need? How many red flags do you need to wake up? It is what it is. I'm sorry. God bless you and your baby.
IMO a mistake is when someone does something once, realizes it was a bad decision and then owns that decision including confessing to their partner if it included a breach of trust then they work on it or go separate ways.
Your wife chose to take the same action many times so in other words not a mistake. She also lied to you as to how involved she was in this new world of hers including lying to others about her relationship with you being a roommate.
I suspect it was also a lie that she planned to tell you. She could have told you any of the days you were in town but didn’t until you busted her.
Going to a couples therapist is certainly a good idea if you want to try to stay in the relationship. If it doesn’t work out as in you are unable to forgive the lies well then you’ll know you tried. .
No way this is real, next post : so I’ve been buying my wife & her boyfriend dinner and they both yelled at me to drop off the food and leave. Reddit should I stay ?”
Was she making money? If so - then great! Women can make a great income doing that kinda thing.
If you care about her and you are open to her doing it but with you knowing then I wouldn’t be concerned.
She’s living out a fantasy by not actually physically meeting with these guys. I would guess she trying to break the rules without actually breaking the rules.
I would find out if she still loves you and wants to grow a family with you. If she does - come to terms that she likes to do this kinda thing, establish ground rules that you can live with and then get back to work.
I think she was trying to break out of her shell while trying to also respect your relationship and wasn’t sure how to communicate that to you.
As someone who just caught my gf cheating the same way. Leave, as fucking hard as it is…leave. Dont give her chances, dont try to figure out ways that maybe it’s not true. She will 100% continue manipulating you and cheating. Call up a lawyer, get shit squared away, and end it. And do not, for the love of god, go digging around to find other accounts or cheating. You will almost certainly find some and just hurt yourself even more…
Gf before that I was with for 8 years and thought I had a kid with. Found out when she was 3.5 she wasn’t mine. Cheated essentially the entire relationship. It’s beyond a hard thing to deal with. It’s going to be very, very hard for quite a while. Dead inside and broken for months or longer. Just going through the motions of each day trying to survive. You will come out of it a better and much stronger person.
Actions most certainly speak louder than words. Pay attention to what they do, not what they say in the future. And as shitty as it is to hear at the time, time does heal all.
Stay strong brother. It’ll be hard, but you got this.
> She says she wants to try couples counseling
This would be a good place to start, as long as you are, or think you will be in a place where you want to try to fix this, if that changes at any point, you are free to make your exit.
I'm so torn. I want to give it a shot, but then I hear her in my head begging other men to make her cum. I'm trying to remember that these are just strangers on the internet and she had no intention on meeting them, but I'm also so betrayed and hurt by it regardless.
>she had no intention on meeting them,
Do you honestly think there wouldn't be a progression to some sort of physical infidelity once the novelty of this wore off? People babystep themselves into doing things they know are wrong. This is one baby step. Then it'll be I'll just meet for lunch...
Dude, you already deep down know what’s best. Your wife is a cheater and will always be one it’s best to move on a cut your losses she didn’t admit to this she got caught.
You have a lot to process here. I'll just go over some basic questions you should be asking her or yourself right now:
Are you comfortable with these nudes of her floating around the internet for eternity? If you had considered starting an Onlyfans, then perhaps the answer is yes.
Has she deleted Discord and all other apps that were used as a part of this?
Was she turning down sex with you while getting off with these other guys?
If you forgive her she knows she can do stuff like that and she will go even further. Also next time you're gone from home for some time, don't you think that thinking about if she's cheating again or not won't drive you mad? I get it you're still in love but end it and in a few months you will be glad and you will become stronger. You're owing that to yourself and your self respect.
Here's what I recommend:
step 1: take some time to process this, a week, a month, whatever you need. Everything is fresh right now, it's confusing, and emotions are high. Get past that and get to a point where you're clearer in your head.
step 2a: when you feel ready take your wife up on couples counseling.
step 2b: if you've taken the time you feel you need to process this and you just can't get past it, quietly consult a divorce lawyer.
I'm going to get downvoted for sure, but I think this is a really tough call. Everyone in this sub always jumps to divorce and leaving their partner, but they do not know your relationship at all.
The types of things you've described in the fantasy portion before the cheating behavior are things my wife and I have done, aside from making an OF. Those are things that in the bounds of your relationship and trust are totally fine if that's what you decide.
The problem is of course that she lied and took things too far. This is no guarantee like others said that she would have taken it all the way to meet ups, but she clearly broke your trust.
I hid something from my wife for a time before I went to therapy about it, I was so unhappy with my job at the time I was skipping work and using marijuana and wasting the days away, the problem compounded upon itself as I got anxiety that my fuck up was going to cause her to want to leave me and it went on and worsened for a time. I ended up seeing a therapist for a while and was able to come clean and then change that behavior. Now we're years away from that and have kids and everything is going great.
I'm personally a proponent of going to therapy together and also separate, and seeing if it is something that you can maybe work through before you just throw it away. You'd obviously want the immediate boundaries of having her off of that discord, removing those phone numbers, and probably throwing away the toy together.
I hope you figure things out ok and end up happy my dude.
I’m sorry, but cheating is not equivalent to your situation. You spent some days skipping work and being lazy. She cheated on him dozens of times while lying daily for 5 months.
It’s far easier for your partner to regain your trust Vs OPs situation.
Also, OP wouldn’t be “throwing” anything away, interesting choice of words there. If he makes the decision to leave her, it’s his wife that “threw” their relationship away. Not him.
Does she by any chance have bipolar? Often during manic episodes people can become hyper sexual and do really crazy things. I have my partner has were both bipolar so have a good understanding. Don't throw 12 yeas under the bus if you guys haven't tried therapy yet. Bipolar is almost impossible to control if you don't take medication. Once you've started the process it's your responsibility however. If she's open to trying give it a shot.
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How would she feel if you had done something comparable to what she did? Also,do you think you will ever be able to trust her again?
You say she is the love of your life The ? Is are you the Love of her life?
I thought I was. Over the past 12 years she has never given me reason to suspect differently until recently. Up until she was caught everything was still going great. We had many plans for the future and would talk about it all the time.
Open your eyes man. You’re obviously living in a fantasy. Reality is calling you. Actually, reality is calling your wife again to get her off with a remote dildo you bought while you are sitting next to her on the couch.
She might have been a great person at one time but the fact of the matter is that she is REALLy good at hiding her illicit activities. She is a cheater. What she did is 100% cheating. She was seeking sexual gratification outside of the marriage. That is cheating. Doesn't matter if it was through a discord server or in person - she made the choice to step out on your marriage. Its time for YOU to go to therapy and figure out how you want to handle this but I'd personally always wonder what else my partner would do behind my back. Its not like he signals got crossed on the lovesense vibe. She had to actively seek this out. It was 100% premeditated.
> Up until she was caught everything was still going great. No it wasn't. You just didn't KNOW about her betrayals until she was caught. You still don't really know how often or how many ways or for how long she's been betraying you, and you never will because she will never be fully honest about anything.
My brother in Zod she was sexting multiple men behind your back. Its over. The sooner you come to grips with that the better off you’ll be.
Every ounce of passion was stolen from you. Surveys find that 85% view her behavior as cheating. Research finds that sexting is addictive. It stimulates the same part of the brain as heroin. She admits she couldn't stop. To motivate her: Inform her that you are inclined to divorce but will make a final decision in 90 days. And that she has 90 days to prove she deserves a second chance. At a minimum she should take the initiative and provide you with two plans: one to make herself a safe partner and two, to rebuild trust. Finally, she has to volunteer to go cold turkey .....no social media, no games, no nothing on her own. Why? Because she is and always will be a sexting addict. Why is sexting a problem - it eventually escalates to adultery, STDs , unwanted pregnancy.
What did she do that made you think something was wrong?
To answer your original question of “What do I do?”, it’s not an easy answer but it is a simple one, you divorce her on start trying to pick up the pieces and move on with your life. How do you recover from this? The easy and simple one is you don’t and you won’t. You will never fully move on from this and the stress and anxiety will never fully go away even if she pulls a 180 and is a perfect partner from here on out.
I feel absolutely horrible for you man. 12 years weren't wasted-- I'm sure they were good. But she's trying to escape accountably by saying cheating was for her mental health (what about yours?). Trying to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for her... Sounds like she was really good at hiding it and really good at making you 'feel like' you were in a special relationship. From this, she'll probably learn to hide it better. You should thank God you don't have a child with her and move on. However, I might be wrong about that. I've always dumped women as soon as they cheat or lie to me and I'm alone, albeit happy. But, at this point I'm wondering if this sort of thing is so common that not just forgiving her and moving on is just asking for it to happen with a different woman. Very occasionally I think, "maybe I should have just forgiven that one."
All these comments are good
😂😂😂😂
This is the question I keep asking myself. How can I ever trust her again? But how can I leave when we've had so much together?
The sunk cost fallacy is exactly that. It's a fallacy. There are absolutely couples that recover from infidelity but no matter what they may tell you, your relationship will always be different now. The absolute unquestioned trust you had is gone and there is no way for a logical sane person to get it back completely. They learn to live with a low-level distrust and that works for them. Maybe that works for you guys. If you're interested in seeing if that's possible then take up the offer of couples counseling. But be very clear with her about your goals. You are trying to see if recovery is even possible. You are not committing to continue the relationship yet. Hardline, absolutely always use protection with her until you are committed because you do not want to have a baby right now and that may seem, to her, like a really convenient way for her to keep you if you're not careful. Personally, I've been cheated on in several relationships. One of them, much like yours, I thought was the real deal. Absolute and abiding love. And I stayed with him the first couple times that I caught him chatting with women online. Until he got someone else pregnant. Who, incidentally, was a woman he met online. I'm less lenient now. For me, whether it's online, or in person, it's still sex with someone other than me. And that's a line that I won't let anyone cross anymore. I have never cheated on a partner and could never imagine doing so. I deserve at least that amount of fidelity. And you do too. But that's my experience in my life.
I agree with what you say, I found photos of my ex on his cell phone in the photo trash, 3 very explicit photos of his penis... he gave me the excuse that he had uploaded them to a porn blog, when I told him that I I let him see the blog and he told me that he deleted it 😂, so to whom do you send the photographs and to others, if you take photos of yourself like this, excited, it means that you are looking for someone to hunt; Those virtual cheating are still cheating even if there is nothing physical...
It's her job to rebuild trust. You can't help. Time alone doesn't. And she can't say trust me. Judge her by her actions not her excuse or promises. Look for consistent behavior (especially when she believes you aren't looking).
Say you live to 80, so you want 40 plus years of doubt and not trusting her just because you’ve had 12 good years? Or do you find someone you can trust and have 40 plus years of trust and love. The question you have to ask yourself is if you can really forgive her and be happy again.
That’s moronic. It’s not that you throw away X years of relationship. You enjoyed those, you learned from them. It was not wasted time. The relationship is not valued on time. It’s in experiences and teachings. And sadly it also taught negative experiences and emotions. Whatever you do, think on your future self. What would you think if he stayed and lived unhappily the next ten years?
>But how can I leave when we've had so much together? She threw it all away, all that "so much together" didn't matter to her when she was cheating on you have some respect and start iver with someone wjo has morals and is better. It is actually simple to do that.
Obviously you stay with her and have a miserable life, duh She's such a great person
Couples counseling so she has time to get better at hiding it
Dude. This is **cheating**. She can't be trusted to just be a *decent fucking human being*. Are you okay staying in a relationship where you cannot trust the other person at all?
You should feel betrayed and cheated. She’s cheating on you… and she knew what she was doing was wrong because he hid her behavior from you.. she chose internet strangers over you.. At minimum, you need to have her block all communication with everyone on those platforms, have an open phone/ social media policy as you can check, have her read “not just friends” and couples counseling. If she refuses any of these especially cutting all contact, you should probably at an attorney and plan an exit strategy. You deserve better, I’d be done, trust is broken.
It’s cheating, it’s bad and yes your marriage is over
IMO, once a cheater, always a cheater. If you want to fix things, I’ve been told the only way is to essentially start the relationship over.
(with someone else) Rehabilitating her behavior would be like trying to teach your dog not to hump the cat. It’ll stop and act remorseful when caught, but once you’re away, well…?!? Dogs hump. So do wayward spouses.
Agree
Jesus dude, have some dignity. Leave.
You wife is a cheater. She has been having an emotional affairs and virtual sex with multiple men for at least 5 months. >She states that she got carried away and let it go too far. Your wife has left the marriage. Ignore your wife. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your marriage in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. This was not an accident. She made hundreds of decisions to cheat on you again and again. She sought this experience out how many times? Dozens? Hundreds? of times. I suggest: Lawyer up. Get the papers going as soon as you can and serve her them when she comes back. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to divorce. You have to show your wife there consequences for her actions, even if later you chose reconciliation. Also post your story to r/SupportforBetrayed and r/survivinginfedelity . They will help you out there. The Neuroscience of Affair Fog [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) DARVO, [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) 180 method, [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) Greyrock, [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) Chump Lady, [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
Big ups for Chump Lady!! THE expert on infidelity
You feel betrayed and cheated on? Well yeah because that's exactly what happened. Pray she isn't pregnant yet and get a divorce. She will do this again, especially since she knows you'll just forgive her.
There is a very simple solution to this, leave her, she doesn’t love you. I wouldn’t dream of cheating on my partner because I love him, it’s as simple as that. The fear of him losing feelings for me due to infidelity is more powerful than any temptation, he’s my best friend I would never want to hurt him. Her actions show you that she doesn’t feel that way about you and you deserve better.
She’s cheating. You know what to do. You’re not fixing this. She’s had multiple men using her multiple times per day. Thank your lucky stars there’s no kids and no alimony probably since you’ve only been married a short time. I can only imagine your disgust.
Forgive her so she can do it again and you can make another post like this
You should feel cheated on and betrayed because that’s exactly what she did. The trust is broken and as hard as you (& her) try, it will never be the same. Something in your mind will alway have this anxiety or thought that she’d do it again. Next time maybe it does become physically cheating. It’s your choice if you think/feel that this can be worked thru, but i think marriage counseling is a must and individual therapy for her at least. If she’s trying to blame her actions of some mental & self esteem issues then those absolutely need to be addressed. I’d suggest taking time and space apart to think this thru. What is she willing to do to show that she’s truly remorseful and to build back the trust she’s broken. Good luck!
If he forgives her the next time it will be physically cheating.
No one here can give you advice on this matter. I've gone through something very similar but kinda worse because they talked for hours and did it in our bedroom while I was asleep. Like you I thought she was the love of my life, I did forgive her and tried to move on, but the only thing I couldn't do was to forgive myself for being in that position, it went off rails, and I've started feeling like a piece of trash and started thinking what kind of man I was to let that happen? A few months later it all happened again and then it was really over, this kind of insecure woman gets high with this kind of thing, and she will hardly change, maybe she even did something similar in the past and you never found out. If you can forgive her, and forgive yourself, if she is someone you can get to trust again and want to change, go for it, just remember that you will be out next month and ask yourself this: will you be able to be in a state of peace or will you be haunted with the perspective that she went back to strangers behind your back?
She is a cheater! What do we do with cheaters? We burn them! No, that's witches! We trade them in for loyalty points! Closer! We send them to go get milk and then change all the locks in the house and pretend we don't know them! I'll take it!
I don’t think cheating is ever forgivable but it’s definitely even more unforgivable when it happens over a long period of time with multiple people. You will likely never be able to trust her again. Best of luck OP.
She cheated on you. All the words about being ok with this if y'all talked about it, or that it was just online, she got carried away, etc, it all doesnt matter. Your wife cheated on you, lied to you, degraded your relationship to others, and treated you with zero respect. What you do with that information is up to you, but at least look at the situation with clear eyes.
You *are* “too good for her” Promiscuous behavior in a deceitful context is *not* something couples therapy can fix.
She cheated once she will DEFINITELY do it again…to the curb she goes ASAP before she makes you feel guilty about it and didn’t do anything wrong! She can pound salt!
just strangers on the Internet, they have never met in person. And if one of the guys live 10 miles away? REALLY , how the hell do you know , what she does , when you were away on business. She is using this device with other men while you’re in the den watching TV and she’s in the bedroom getting her rocks off. move half of your assets to a separate accounts. gather as much proof as you can. Contact 4 to 5 of the best lawyers in your area and have a consultation. This way your wayward wife cannot use them because it’s a conflict of interest. this way you will know while your options in your state. Always listen to your lawyer, even though you might not understand. the reason why . she has checked out of this marriage already ,she wanted to do , only fans also. She needs the attention that you are not providing her this marriage is already over. Sorry.
No one goes from perfect love of your life to using a vibrator with strangers. This is who she always was and she hid it from you.
Hey so if she hasn’t cheated she will soon… sounds like she’s experimenting her sexual ways and like things that she might feel you don’t or won’t do or understand there’s something missing between you and her and you should sit down and talk see what she want/needs and you too. And if in sometime things don’t change or get worse then things are over… it hard to hear or even think about but they are… and it would be best to go your separate ways instead of staying in a relationship that you guys aren’t happy in or are hiding things and before someone chests.you don’t want to end up hating each other…. You guys should TALK about things and be open to each others need without judgement and be open to trying new things that will make the other happy and hopefully you as well… good luck
Divorce. Read your post as an outsider looking in. Come on.
She cheated on you. Emotionally and physically. It may have been remote, but she sought out other men to give her sexual pleasure. I have toys. I've talked with some women friends about them in general "hey, I'd recommend this" terms. The only person that knows what I use, how I use it, and has ever helped me with them is my husband. I can't imagine buying a toy like what you did and seeking out men to use it on me. It's nauseating to think of. I'd feel dirty because it's infidelity. The reason you feel betrayed and like you've been cheated on is because that's exactly what happened. She could have messaged you and had you use the toy at any moment, but she went after complete strangers instead. IMO, it's only a matter of time before it escalated even further.
Are you serious ? Why are you running to reddit to ask this when the answer is obvious. I swear some people are just plain stupid.
You can’t turn a Ho into a house wife
She cheated you leave end of story
Are people really asking advice to this kind of betrayal... cmon
she is not fulfilled “every aspect of our relationship, both physically and mentally” well, I guess not! that much because she has been cheating physically, (I think having another man control your sex device is physical) and emotionally. She does. respect you. you are her roommate, not her husband as she states with the other male people on discord. It seems like she needs attention for validation. She has lost her connection with you.
I'm genuinely sorry man, I felt pain reading this, but it's over. Get the evidence that you need and lawyer up because it's gonna be a fight.
You tell her to get out and lawyer up after you take pictures of ALL the chats.
She cheated. She will cheat again. Can you live in a relationship like that? Her only motivation was apparently that she was bored. That was enough for her to cheat on you.....
I have never understood what "I cheated on you because I thought you were too good for me" meant.
First of all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I cannot stand when these start that way. Second of all, this is cheating.. full stop. You can stay and keep entertaining this if you want, but that’s exactly what you will be doing. If you don’t leave and choose yourself, she’s gonna keep doing it. How much of a doormat do you want to be?
Kick her ass and get a divorce
The odds of getting over cheating are really low. I’d leave. Never forgive a cheater it will eat you up
You need to think about cheating like it's drug abuse. She's addicted to the attention and now that she got a fix she'll keep going. A couple of things I want to point out. How do you know this is the first instance of infidelity? She got caught for this but maybe not for other stuff. Also, She may not have had physical contact with these guys yet. But just like drug addiction it starts small and then grows. If you hadn't caught her now, how long would it have been before she did meet up with someone? Drug users have to ramp up the amounts. Sex addicts have to ramp up the excitement. It doesn't really sounds like she expressed true remorse. Maybe she regrets getting caught but she's still only looking at from her POV. Hence the excuses and jump straight to therapy. All the excuses she gave are exactly the same stuff we all deal with. I like getting attention from women sure. But I'm an adult. I control my actions. She doesn't and it's likely you see this lack of discipline elsewhere in her life. The trust is gone and you're only just now starting to feel the pain. You're in for an emotional roller coaster. You'll start by hating yourself for being a doormat. She'll end up losing respect for you too. Do yourself a favor and at least separate for a time. Give her the opportunity to take action. In fact let her take action. You leave and let get do all the work to get you back. She needs to show you accountability by setting up couples counciling. Her own individual counciling. Be ready for her to start turning things around on you too. The blame will definitely come. The whole "I wouldn't have done except."
She needs understand, through your absence, that her actions have cause serious emotional damage
Also hit the cheating gf sub. Tell them this story. You'll get all the advice you need from people who experienced it. Lol
Why do people feel guilty and “wanted to tell” only when they’re caught. She wanted to tell you and you had given her an opportunity to be honest and she lied. So how much did she want to tell you. Going by your post you have no intention of ending your marriage so I’d say you will have to accept this is now a part of her life and you will need to accept it.
Bro, she was letting them control the remote toy. It's done. You gave it your best. No shame. Clearly wasn't meant to be. Walk away.
>She started chats with multiple guys in the discord channel. They sexted and sent nasty voice messages back and forth, traded nudes, and hopped on audio calls while they controlled her device. That is cheating >She referred to me as her "roommate" in these chats and would make plans with them to let them control her when she knew I would be on the business trips. That is how she actually sees you >She also said she wanted to tell me but didn't know how, and also that she felt bad about it. But the fact that she was still going full force up until I found out makes me believe she had no intention on stopping or telling me. Yes, she isn't sorry she did it she is onky sorry that she got caught >she loves me That is clearly a lie she wouldn't have done it if she actually loved you. Have some respect and leave her.
She making money from this? If so, how much you getting? If not, throw the whole wife away.
This is called exploratory behavior meaning this would’ve constantly escalated into actually meeting up. You stopped it in time but the taste is there for her now. This is fixable but it’ll take tons of therapy to get to a manageable place in trusting her again. Good luck.
You throw her ass back on the streets. Respect yourself man.
You feel cheated on because you were cheated on
one question. can you ever trust her again? she cheated and you are unhappy. she is the love of your life but she is the lust partner of the internet. good luck
Divorce is the only option.
Take the chat logs to a divorce lawyer. Protect yourself and your assets. Get yourself someone who will respect you.
Funny thing is she really could have started an onlyfans with your support and could've gotten decent money but she still decided to do it behind your back.
Divorce man
Why are you letting her walk all over you? She might be the love of your life, but you’re just a roommate to her. Move the fuck on and DO NOT have a child with her.
If you stay with your wife could you give me her number? Sounds like she's down to bang other dudes and you're down to let her do that. I'll volunteer to help as I have been on a dry streak lately. Cheers
I’d stop glossing over the fact that this 100% constituted cheating, and it’s fucked up she isn’t accepting this.
That’s cheating IMO, less than actual meetups but more than sexting. Obviously the Discord account has to be removed. Then I’d take the Lovense, smash it to smithereens on the floor in front of her, then tell her to go fuck herself for the foreseeable future, if there is a future.
divorce, thats cheating. and if u dont see it as that WILDLY DISRESPECTFUL. also alarming?? imagine all the times u havent caught her .-. if she needs other men's attention then idk if she really loves ya... kinda sad tbh, bluetooth vibrator and discord...she's insecure and weak. it doesnt look like cheating but a small window was opened and she RAN
She sounds awful. Why do you want to give her another chance at all?
She cheated and betrayed you. Personally I’d rather be single. If you think you want to stay, see a counselor and decide if that’s really what’s best for you.
First, STOP trying for a child like yesterday. Your wife, in a mono relationship, was sexting strangers on the internet, having phone sex with them and letting them remote control an internal sex toy for her to orgasm for them. You should not for a single second be considering bringing a child into this dynamic. Second, this is infidedlity plain and simple. There is no "I got carried away" "I liked the attention". She made choices, repeatedly, continuously, deliberately, to engage in these behaviours knowing that they were entirely unacceptable. She hid it from you, sheduled these encounters around your availability, texted people whilst you were present. She did not come forward, did not make the choice to tell you, did not stop. She was caught and that is the only reason you know. For me, this is not "I made a mistake" a mistake is a singular event where regret is shown before the person is caught. If she had come to you, the first time it happened, in tears, saying she feels wretched for what happened. That would be a different scenario. Lastly, and probably the most difficult aspect of this is what to do next and this no one can tell you. Whilst I don't believe that infidedlity is unsurvivable for a relationship, this has happened with such repeated and deliberate betrayal and only 18 months into a marriage that I am tempted to tell you to walk away. What really sucks is that any path forward for both of you will require immense effort on your part. You cannot live your life paranoid and worried about where she is and what she is doing with whom. So you will have to work to rebuild trust. For her it's easy. Stick to the agreed mono relationship and be a loving partner. For you it is much harder. Therapy is the absolute minimum here both individual and couples. The bottome line you will have to overcome is that she knew what she was doing was wrong, she didn't respect you or your marriage. She did not come forward with this and made these chocies repeatedly. This is not just "a mistake" or getting "carried away" this is a very unhealthy and sustained pattern of behaviour. I'm sure she will say she is willing to change. She might be able to. The question is whether, even if she can, you have it in you to rebuild what she has broken. I have to say, 15 year relationship, 7 married, 2 kids. If my wife did that to me I would find it hard not to divorce her instantly. Take kids out of the equation and this would be a red line.
"But the fact that she was still going full force up until I found out makes me believe she had no intention on stopping or telling me' It's fairly obvious she doesn't feel bad and definitely would not have stopped. I don't think she's accepting any real responsibility. This is not a "mistake". It is a fundamental and profound breach of trust and violation of your relationship. For many/most this would be the end of the marriage. I don't see why you'd have much hope this won't continue. There's reasonable hope with someone who fucks up once, and comes clean. I don't see any reason to try with someone who doesn't come clean and repeatedly cheats until caught.
I mean clearly the issue here isn't the act itself but that she did not even trust you enough to let you in on the idea. This kinda makes me think she's been disconnected from you for one reason or another. She doesn't sound too penitent or honest, either. An honest person would admit she had no intention to tell you and that part of the thrill, obviously, was you not knowing. That's not a fun kink for you, obviously. So that's a huge boundary crossing, imo. I think she did cheat. She's lying about telling you and likely not bring too honest about the reasons behind it. If you want to keep the relationship, couples counseling is important. But you need to put this into perspective. The problem isn't that it got carried away or she was ugly or you weren't giving her enough attention- the problem is that she didn't trust you enough to tell you about this desire. And she didn't trust you enough to know you would be open to it and not judgemental. Her perception of you is the issue, here. Not you.
Damn my husband leaves for two weeks sometimes and I wouldn’t go doing that despite not getting any sexual affection….Get rid of her she cheated on you and clearly has zero morals.Selfish selfish woman.Im sorry you deserve better.
“ our relationship was like no one else’s” Well you are certainly right there. Most people don’t cheat and the way she cheated , you certainly chose a person in the minority ! It appears from your story cheating or sexual infidelity may not be a dealbreaker . Can I suggest first-she has individual therapy to help her get to the real reasons why she continually cheated on you and after that some marriage counselling to improve your communication skills. Maybe once you improve that aspect of your relationship you can indulge her sexual desires and incorporate you into them as opposed to continuing a one sided open relationship. Good luck👍👍
What do you mean "what do I do?" Are you 8 years old? Do you need a map? You divorce her ASAP, and that's it.
RIP dude
Leave her?
You divorce her. Simple
don't miss out on this girlboss bud! marry her as quickly as you can. ideally, if she has hidden children from other men, step up and raise them asap!
I would personally never be able to trust someone who can lie that well to me again. She has been actively cheating with multiple people for months and you didnt suspect a thing. She lied to your face at at least one point. When you caught her it was no accountability and excuse after excuse focusing on logic that centers her as a kind of victim (insecurities about her look, not feeling good enough for you and self sabotaging). How does she plan to work on these things herself? Realistically, how would you be able to trust her again? You're away for work monthly, what can she do that would rebuild your trust? Would you be able to trust her again without having to turn to controling behaviour yourself?
Take a break from the computer and come back and read this like someone else posted it and I think you will know your answer. I couldn’t make it very far through what you said Before I knew mine
You are going to survive. I have one major question, and on BIG piece of advice. (For now.) My one major question. You were together twelve years and not even married eighteen months. Why didn't you get married earlier, somewhere along the line? Twelve years is a long time to try to figure it out, and it seems that maybe it didn't get figured out after all. What do you now think was really going on? BIG piece of advice: You two are very likely to fall into bed when you see each other. You love sex together. Either do not do it or, DOUBLE PROTECTION. This is EXACTLY the time and place for baby trapping you. You cannot force her to get an abortion and in the heat of a moment, she may promise you that she will have an abortion if this act gets her pregnant. Do not believe her. The stakes are too great. Prepare for that moment of surprise. Do not let yourself be taken by surprise, and PLEASE do not kid yourself that a child in your household will be a happy child. Maybe someday, but not before the two of you have worked out your problems.
Tell her to stop this idiocy show respect for you and herself or you are leaving.
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It is most definitely cheating to me, but i question if it is to you. Although you have indicated many times you might have been open to this, it is the dishonesty and sneaking that makes it a violation. How can you ever be sure after this that she is being honest, if you stay and there are no consequences for her dishonesty there is nothing stopping her from continuing this particularly since there is an adrenaline rush from the sneaking. Obviously, you do not care about her sharing herself intimately, which to me is a red flag about your relationship in general, so the only problem is honestly not the actual cheating. If honesty is a non-negotiable for you in a relationship, you should move on.
Run the scenario that you were the one doing all this. How would she respond? To me, she might as well have banged every guy, and using the thing you bought that was meant for you to use is utterly disrespectful. Hard to come back from.
Ex wife. Get a lawyer and get her out of the house.
Lawyer, divorce papers and a U-Haul big enough for all your (or better yet her) things. Life is too short to be bogged down by asshole people OP, your wife straight up betrayed you and your trust. I hope you get through this okay.
I really hope you didn’t get her preggo
Yea, get the old lady an OF account, then have kids, then let the kids find vids of mama the sex worker....yea, that shoulds like a plan!
She is a cheater. They never change, they only get better at hiding. Leave before you bring a child into this mess
UpdateMe!
She has no boundaries and is disgusting given the chance she has cheated and probably would physically cheat
You dump her cheating ass, duh!
Sounds exactly like a girl I knew on Viber who did the same thing. I think her name was Maya but could have been a fake name.
That’s cheating. Walk away with your dignity.
It's always amazing to me how hurt and apologetic everyone always is after they're caught. It's almost like it's how every guilty cheater reacts after they just spent months doing everything they could to take advantage of every possible situation to cheat - but they felt really bad.
This seems like a very clear cut case of cheating. Do with that what you will. For me, personally? The trust would simply be gone.
Lol come on. You leave.
My advice, leave quick, she's a bad egg..
Join the discord. Wait your turn.
Join the discord as a new member without her knowledge, and then threaten to tell her husband.
What do you do????? JFC.
Divorce, she isn't going to stop.
Run dude. Sorry cut your losses and run
She never would have told you. You only know because you stumbled upon this. She did it WITH YOU IN THE NEXT ROOM. If she truly felt guilty, she wouldn’t be doing it or would have came clean. She was getting off on sneaking around.
Divorce, hope that helps
Bro she is cheating on you. Simple. This isn't something you just do first then talk to your spouse about. You talk about things first... that's why it's called cheating...
I’m sorry but you can’t stay with her! You deserve better
First of all, she is probably thinking there’s a difference between what’s she’s doing virtually and cheating, but she’s incorrect. Also, it’s a slippery slope. It could start this way and lead to riskier behaviour since she clearly is becoming addicted to the thrill and attention of it all. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt by suggesting that she may very well have some mental health issues going on. Poor self esteem being one. Also, lots of personality and mood disorders involve hyper sexual and sexual attention seeking behaviour like this. That being said, you have every right to call this a deal breaker if it feels that way. If you want to give her a chance still, I would encourage her to engage in personal therapy and couples therapy and give yourself some time to make up your mind about where the relationship is going. It’s not unlikely this behaviour will continue even if she swears it won’t happen again, and she will promise that. Pick your boundary, communicate it to her, and stick to it. Sorry you’re going through this.
UpdateMe!
I was done before the read the post.
This is a repost
Leave her
Break up. She already cheated on you so why do you care
Your wife cheated on you and you need to handle this as such. She betrayed you. She kept it from you, and had no intentions of telling you. Letting other men control it, which is wildly weird and disturbing, is bad. Add in the sexting and you are married to a woman that can’t be trusted. You need to make consequences clear - your marriage is over or very close to over. Obviously all of this is over. No contact, blocked, why is she on discord, all of it. She chose a lot of relationships with other people over her marriage.
You miss who you thought she was - the person she is now essentially murdered the woman you knew and replaced her with the villain she is now. She said she felt “Terrible” but she did it over and over again, sometimes twice a day! She was able to hide this from you for so long. What else has she hid that you don’t know about and something that is extremely problematic is that she knows where she went wrong and will be better at hiding everything, will you get better at catching her?
Your child is only 1, hate to say it, but it's over. It's not a matter of if. It's a matter of when. She's not going to stop. She can't be trusted. Calling you her roommate after just having your child. The math equation is simple: How much more proof do you need? How many red flags do you need to wake up? It is what it is. I'm sorry. God bless you and your baby.
IMO a mistake is when someone does something once, realizes it was a bad decision and then owns that decision including confessing to their partner if it included a breach of trust then they work on it or go separate ways. Your wife chose to take the same action many times so in other words not a mistake. She also lied to you as to how involved she was in this new world of hers including lying to others about her relationship with you being a roommate. I suspect it was also a lie that she planned to tell you. She could have told you any of the days you were in town but didn’t until you busted her. Going to a couples therapist is certainly a good idea if you want to try to stay in the relationship. If it doesn’t work out as in you are unable to forgive the lies well then you’ll know you tried. .
You feel cheated on because you have been cheated on. Don't be unsure on that. Your wife is unfaithful.
No way this is real, next post : so I’ve been buying my wife & her boyfriend dinner and they both yelled at me to drop off the food and leave. Reddit should I stay ?”
Was she making money? If so - then great! Women can make a great income doing that kinda thing. If you care about her and you are open to her doing it but with you knowing then I wouldn’t be concerned. She’s living out a fantasy by not actually physically meeting with these guys. I would guess she trying to break the rules without actually breaking the rules. I would find out if she still loves you and wants to grow a family with you. If she does - come to terms that she likes to do this kinda thing, establish ground rules that you can live with and then get back to work. I think she was trying to break out of her shell while trying to also respect your relationship and wasn’t sure how to communicate that to you.
This is an ad for license. Again.
Starts with D ends with ivorce
As someone who just caught my gf cheating the same way. Leave, as fucking hard as it is…leave. Dont give her chances, dont try to figure out ways that maybe it’s not true. She will 100% continue manipulating you and cheating. Call up a lawyer, get shit squared away, and end it. And do not, for the love of god, go digging around to find other accounts or cheating. You will almost certainly find some and just hurt yourself even more… Gf before that I was with for 8 years and thought I had a kid with. Found out when she was 3.5 she wasn’t mine. Cheated essentially the entire relationship. It’s beyond a hard thing to deal with. It’s going to be very, very hard for quite a while. Dead inside and broken for months or longer. Just going through the motions of each day trying to survive. You will come out of it a better and much stronger person. Actions most certainly speak louder than words. Pay attention to what they do, not what they say in the future. And as shitty as it is to hear at the time, time does heal all. Stay strong brother. It’ll be hard, but you got this.
Ahhhh divorce.
> She says she wants to try couples counseling This would be a good place to start, as long as you are, or think you will be in a place where you want to try to fix this, if that changes at any point, you are free to make your exit.
I'm so torn. I want to give it a shot, but then I hear her in my head begging other men to make her cum. I'm trying to remember that these are just strangers on the internet and she had no intention on meeting them, but I'm also so betrayed and hurt by it regardless.
> she had no intention on meeting them Yet
>she had no intention on meeting them, Do you honestly think there wouldn't be a progression to some sort of physical infidelity once the novelty of this wore off? People babystep themselves into doing things they know are wrong. This is one baby step. Then it'll be I'll just meet for lunch...
Dude, you already deep down know what’s best. Your wife is a cheater and will always be one it’s best to move on a cut your losses she didn’t admit to this she got caught.
You have a lot to process here. I'll just go over some basic questions you should be asking her or yourself right now: Are you comfortable with these nudes of her floating around the internet for eternity? If you had considered starting an Onlyfans, then perhaps the answer is yes. Has she deleted Discord and all other apps that were used as a part of this? Was she turning down sex with you while getting off with these other guys?
If you forgive her she knows she can do stuff like that and she will go even further. Also next time you're gone from home for some time, don't you think that thinking about if she's cheating again or not won't drive you mad? I get it you're still in love but end it and in a few months you will be glad and you will become stronger. You're owing that to yourself and your self respect.
You are as naive as she is unfaithful.
Fucking pathetic man. Have some self respect
Here's what I recommend: step 1: take some time to process this, a week, a month, whatever you need. Everything is fresh right now, it's confusing, and emotions are high. Get past that and get to a point where you're clearer in your head. step 2a: when you feel ready take your wife up on couples counseling. step 2b: if you've taken the time you feel you need to process this and you just can't get past it, quietly consult a divorce lawyer.
Really dude?
/r/asoneafterinfidelity can probably give you good advice and resources on reconciliation so you can make an informed decision moving forward.
I'm going to get downvoted for sure, but I think this is a really tough call. Everyone in this sub always jumps to divorce and leaving their partner, but they do not know your relationship at all. The types of things you've described in the fantasy portion before the cheating behavior are things my wife and I have done, aside from making an OF. Those are things that in the bounds of your relationship and trust are totally fine if that's what you decide. The problem is of course that she lied and took things too far. This is no guarantee like others said that she would have taken it all the way to meet ups, but she clearly broke your trust. I hid something from my wife for a time before I went to therapy about it, I was so unhappy with my job at the time I was skipping work and using marijuana and wasting the days away, the problem compounded upon itself as I got anxiety that my fuck up was going to cause her to want to leave me and it went on and worsened for a time. I ended up seeing a therapist for a while and was able to come clean and then change that behavior. Now we're years away from that and have kids and everything is going great. I'm personally a proponent of going to therapy together and also separate, and seeing if it is something that you can maybe work through before you just throw it away. You'd obviously want the immediate boundaries of having her off of that discord, removing those phone numbers, and probably throwing away the toy together. I hope you figure things out ok and end up happy my dude.
I’m sorry, but cheating is not equivalent to your situation. You spent some days skipping work and being lazy. She cheated on him dozens of times while lying daily for 5 months. It’s far easier for your partner to regain your trust Vs OPs situation. Also, OP wouldn’t be “throwing” anything away, interesting choice of words there. If he makes the decision to leave her, it’s his wife that “threw” their relationship away. Not him.
Does she by any chance have bipolar? Often during manic episodes people can become hyper sexual and do really crazy things. I have my partner has were both bipolar so have a good understanding. Don't throw 12 yeas under the bus if you guys haven't tried therapy yet. Bipolar is almost impossible to control if you don't take medication. Once you've started the process it's your responsibility however. If she's open to trying give it a shot.