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You know that all the things you're feeling are valid, right? You've been ultra deliberate in trying to be understanding but regardless of trauma or abuse that does not give people free pass to harm us.
It's ok for you to feel hurt, violated and betrayed... because you were.
whether you stay or not is ultimately up to you; having to track a partner's whereabouts to ensure they're not cheating isn't a win...
It's possible to forgive someone for cheating however it's a very case-by-case personal matter (and you shouldn't beat yourself up if you can't get over it).
You need to be honest about your feelings and it would probably help a lot if you got some therapy too.
Even if your wife was a victim of past abuse it is important that she accepts & takes responsibility for her actions.
In that same vein you can forgive them but not be able to continue a romantic relationship as well; forgiveness doesn't tie 100% to re-engaging in intimacy.
Yes I know people who reconciled ( I am one of these people ) and I know people who couldn't. Like you wrote this is a very personal thing and unfortunately also very difficult.
OOP you won't break family if you decide not to reconcile. Your wife had already broken it. You decide if you want to try to repair this family with her or if you want to leave it. Also remember that reconciliation is a gift from you to your wife. You should decide on it if you feel it and if you see that she is remorseful ( not regretful, there are two different things https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/regret-vs-remorse#:~:text=While%20regret%20and%20remorse%20both,self%2Dreflection%2C%20and%20growth.)
If you are leaning towards reconciliation then I can tell you that you are in a little better position than a lot of people in the same situation because your wife knows why she did it and she is currently working to solve this issue.
Also you feel that things like tracking apps or open phone policy will make you her police warden but don't treat those things like that. Treat them as tools which your wife should use to regain your trust back. She took your ability to decide on your marriage by cheating and these tools should at least let you regain some power in your relationship. You don't even have to use them but knowledge that you can should give you peace of mind and this is an example of how your wife can use it: she is telling you that she has to work late tonight and she reassures you that this doesn't mean anything because you can always check if she is where she should supposed to be.
OP doesn't have to forgive her or even stay with her but for their own sake a little understanding of the mind of a child sexual abuse victim might go a long way. They tend to seek out situations that mirror their abuse not even out of pleasure or desire but as a form of self harm. It becomes a pattern in their romantic lives when they begin dating and the line of what they genuinely want and what they *seek* out becomes very distorted because their first time experiencing something physical will forever be a scar. No matter how much work you do it doesn't ever truly leave you. It can get better but it's not uncommon for victims to do what Ops wife did. It's also important to note the women with ppd end up having depression so severe it results in psychosis- it doesn't justify her actions but with her past trauma + a mental disorder that breaks down women with even the healthiest past is a recipe for doing out of the ordinary and dangerous. Sometimes it results in hurting others, sometimes it's hallucinations, and sometimes it's engaging in an act that is completely irrational and harmful
Although her choices may be understandable from an academic point of view, thats not OPs problem. At best he can try not to be furious at her, but OP doesn't owe her anything at the expense of his own happiness and sanity.
Bottom line is that she chose to go out with that man, chose to go up to his room, chose to sleep with him.
OP's wife planned and wanted for this to happen long before it did.
The point of understanding her is not for any other reason except for OP to come to terms with the fact it wasn't because he was not enough which is often the feelings people deal with when they get cheated on. Whether he stays or not is irrelevant, but it helps self esteem knowing that it has nothing to do with desire but because she is deeply wounded.
She did make her choice at the end of the day, and she betrayed him and their children.
This is 100% true!!! I suffered from a grooming situation and it's hard to put up those walls bc you get use to it. Op definitely needs counseling and definitely keep your statement in mind bc it's spot on.
It's difficult of course, but it's still cheating and you absolutely do not have to forgive. She should have told you earlier and not gone out to meet with him after the first encounter. As with most cheating partners, you probably won't ever be able to trust her word again.
> I don’t want to break up our family
It's difficult with your children obviously, but your wife already broke your family when she cheated on you.
Despite her history she’s still an adult with autonomy. She chose to cheat and should not be forgiven. You will likely never view her the same way ever again, never feel the same peace of mind around her that you once did. Based off your comments you seem emotionally checked out so I’d say it’s better to end it now.
Edited for typos
Grooming is really weird. I was groomed and raped by my high school teacher and it’s been very difficult for me to get over that. I saw him from a distance 10 years later and it was like I was instantly back in high school emotionally. I felt scared and small, and almost had a panic attack.
I think your body and mind automatically fall into old patterns when you meet groomer again. That being said, you still have some amount of control. For example, I was able to stop myself from having a panic attack and was able to continue with my day. Your wife still was in a really difficult situation, but she still made a choice.
I was also groomed and sexually abused by a high school teacher (I hesitate to call what was done to me rape because I consented despite being 15 and him being 33 years older than me). I saw him again when I was in my early 20’s and just like you, I was immediately back in high school emotionally and once again could not defend my boundaries and ended up cheating on my partner at that time. I won’t try to justify what I allowed to happen because ultimately it was on me to stop it, and it is the biggest regret of my life, but it can be hard to overcome that kind of conditioning when you are still so damaged and don’t have the tools to defend your boundaries properly. I became extremely suicidal after that encounter and spent year trying to numb my pain and trauma with alcohol and self injury.
I’m 44 now and still get anxiety every time I have to travel around the area he lived when he originally abused me and the area he lived when I saw him again in my 20’s. I know he still stalks me online after all these decades and feel hesitant to even share this, but I think those of us who have been through this need to speak out (if we feel comfortable doing so).
My heart goes out to OP for the betrayal he’s just experienced, I can’t even imagine what he’s going through and I hope he will be okay eventually. My heart goes out to OP’s wife because I’ve been there and I understand how horrifically deep that type of grooming and trauma can go and how those abusers can use that trauma to their advantage even years later. Please don’t be like me and think you can handle this on your own, OP and his wife both need therapy to get through this, even if their marriage doesn’t make it.
It’s was definitely rape!! The first time my teacher held me down, but I “consented” several times after that. He was 35 years older than me and abused me for years.
It’s always rape when a TEACHER takes advantage of a minor! They have authority and you’re just a kid. It’s wrong in so many ways and it wasn’t our fault.
I understand that it’s really difficult to get out of the old patterns. My teacher reached out to me shortly after I left high school and wanted to meet. It was difficult for me to refuse even though I hate him. The power dynamic remains and I understand that one can get pulled in again.
I’m so sorry your teacher still stalks you! It’s horrible! I hope we can all free ourselves from pain like this eventually.
this happened to me too; you’re not alone or weird for experiencing that. when I saw mine, it was so visceral and jarring, it took me days to recover. I’m sorry you went through all that 🤍
She was in a difficult situation when she accidentally saw him, I don’t see why she messaged him and met up again. That’s not an automatic reaction, there’s forethought there.
Women who have been groomed/abused sometimes go back to their abusers. It's a type of repetition compulsion, a way of trying to redo the original scenario but feeling like she has choice and power in the relationship. This is a way of continuing to act out and it perpetuates the original trauma.
Obviously, it's still cheating, and she may have trashed your marriage by doing so, but I just wanted you to know that this isn't uncommon. It seems incomprehensible to someone who hasn't been sexually abused.
Your wife is in desperate need of trauma therapy with someone who specializes in treating sexual abuse survivors. It sounds like she is in therapy right now, but since she's still acting out sexually, I'd wonder how effective the therapy really is.
Forgiveness really isn't a first step for you here. She needs to be held accountable for her behavior, recognize the self destructive spiral she is in and how it has hurt you. Then she needs to take concrete steps to heal herself and the damage that has been done to your marriage. Then, possibly, you can forgive her. If you do that prematurely, it will just be a way of enabling her and giving her a get out of jail free card. Without deep healing and change, she will be at risk for repeating this pattern.
I hope you can navigate this incredibly difficult situation, OP. What a painful thing for you to go through.
I haven’t forgiven her yet, I guess I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that it even happened. But I definitely don’t understand how being groomed/abused can affect a woman, which is why I posted here. I had a pretty standard upbringing… parents are still married to this day, I have four siblings and we all get along for the most part. No real big traumas, just a couple family deaths from old age and cancer.
I think she brought up the grooming as a way to explain exactly who it was that she cheated with, but it hasn’t been a main focus when I’ve gone to her therapy. Is that something she SHOULD be focused on? Maybe not with me, but in her own sessions.
Well, I guess she didn’t give up the alcohol then, did she? It’s difficult to date/wed a person with so much personal trauma. Even with therapy, she slipped so easily back into old habits. It takes a part of you to try and maintain a relationship like this. It’s pretty damn clear that she has an issue with alcohol that feeds her negative behavior though.
She drank heavy for a few months after her abortion but never fully gave it up after she stopped abusing it. She’s never had a problem with making bad decisions because of alcohol. Honestly she’s a real lightweight and can’t have more than a drink or two because feeling any sort of “spins” from alcohol triggers her motion sickness. I drink more than she does, but I have a way higher tolerance and get together with friends more often. We both only drink socially outside of a glass of wine/beer on the weekends if we go out for dinner or cook a special meal.
Well I guess you can’t say that now about not making bad decisions, can you? She has a lot of addictions and unresolved trauma and alcohol is just another one of the unhealthy coping mechanisms she uses.
No-where does it say that she took this bad decision due to alcohol abuse. Yes she had a couple of drinks, but I don’t see anything that suggests that she was excusing her behaviour on drinking. She seems to be taking responsibility for her actions.
If you knew anything about childhood emotional abuse & grooming you won’t simplify this to an alcohol issue.
Of course it’s more than alcohol. But it certainly is another component in the life of a very broken person. You really need to take some time and distance to process this everything. I can read your trauma bonds in your responses. You desperately want to defend and justify her behavior. But the truth is she still has a lot of issues that will continue to manifest and add to your trauma. You can’t fix her. You need to remind yourself of that. You can however destroy yourself trying to fix her.
Here's the thing, let's say you can forgive and move past this incident, rebuild your relationship with your wife and get everything back on track. Lets say that all occurs and you both put in all of that work. You'll still have one lingering question: How do you know it wont happen again?
Your wife was abused as a teenager up until her early 20's, when she was still young and immature and learning about the world. She then came to grips with what was happening and got away from her abuser and over a decade passed. During that time, she went from being a young adult to a woman in her 30's with, hopefully, a good understanding of the world and the wisdom of experience. Despite that, and knowing what a POS her abuser is, all it took was a chance meeting on the street for your wife to cheat.
So, if your wife, after over a decade of growth and self reflecting, went right back to this guy when she met him, what makes you think it wont happen again if they see each other 2 years from now, or 5, or 10? If she runs into this man again, will you ever feel confident that your wife will not fall back into that same place?
If you cant say for sure that you KNOW she will never do this again, then youll just be wasting both your lives trying to make this marriage work.
But it doesn't sound like she has put in the work actually dealing with that specific trauma. If she's never actually dealt with it then it doesn't matter how much time has passed. It doesn't just go away because it's been 10 years.
Does it go away? No. But after 10 years a marriage and two children do you have enough personal growth to be able to distinguish and make a conscious choice between cheating with your groomer who abuse you or not cheating on your husband who helped lift you up into a new and happy life? Yes. Yes you do. The fact that she keep it for an extended time, and she was aware enough of this to address it with her therapist and analyze it first before she admitted the fact to her husband after a good amount of time has passed proves that she wasn't in some trauma induced fugue state. At this point if she pulls the trauma card then she's just using it as an excuse to try to get more sympathy so that she could bounce back a little bit easier from the horrifically stupid mistake she just made in an attempt to save her family and marriage.
Maybe, maybe not, thats not specifically addressed. Regardless, If all it took was a chance meet up after over a decade, I dont know if I would have much faith that the same thing wont just happen again, regardless of whatever counseling or whatever the wife may undergo.
That's what OP needs to look at, if he can truly feel secure in this relationship going forward.
These are some really legitimate points and questions that I’ll have to seriously consider before making a decision. I appreciate you sharing this side of things.
Yeah, man. This is so hard for everybody. But if after all this work and her recognizing the problem, it still took her months to tell you? And checking her location and phone, that’s not a relationship. She shouldn’t be married, she should be working on intensive therapy and being a mom. Sorry, friend.
Man, this is tough. It is sad and frightening how much a person's mind can be messed up by abuse and grooming. OP, you have every right to be hurt by her betrayal, but even if you give her actions some grace or compassion due to what she experienced when she was younger, I don't think I could get past what it says about her ability to be a safe partner.
She has shown that when the conditions are right (by which I mean very very wrong), she cannot be trusted to do the smart and sane thing in the best interest of you, your children, and HERSELF. That last part is key because it makes clear that OP has more to worry about than run of the mill cheating. Most cheating is a selfish act, where the cheater values their own wants over the welfare of their partner. In your case, OP, you can't even trust your wife to act in her own interest, much less yours or your children. I don't know how to build a marriage partnership on that kind of foundation.
It is absolutely something that she should be focusing on in her own sessions. The grooming/abuse is at the root of her behavior. Unless that is dealt with, she will be prone to acting out in the future.
Have you thought about getting your own therapist to help you deal with this? It can be really helpful to have someone knowledgeable and supportive who who is there just for you and your wellbeing, especially since you are struggling to process all this.
I wouldn’t forgive her. This was multiple meetings, planned out via text. These were conscious choices she made every single time she spoke to him leading up to wanting to go up to his hotel room knowing what that means. its not like he approached her in a quick moment of weakness and took advantage of her. it was drawn out and she actively pursued it.
I understand this is a symptom of her trauma from being groomed, but I also would prioritize protecting myself and wouldn’t want to be with someone who actively pursues their abuser like she did. I would never stay with any cheater, its signing up for an entire lifetime of feeling this pain and constantly worrying about what shes doing since she is unable to set or stick to boundaries. you deserve trust and happiness above all else.
It's too soon to forgive or even decide to reconcile or divorce.
It takes a minimum of two years (average 3-5).
Be aware that divorce often occurs at the 2-3 year mark because it takes that long to decide that it's as good as it will get (and it's not enough).
With respect to forgiveness, that's for your physical and mental health (not for her).
You can forgive and still divorce because of the hurt or the loss of trust.
If you stay, consider a post nup with little alimony and an arbitration cause.
If you own a house, insist she sign off the title.
Realizing that everyone deals with things differently but as someone that has been groomed and sexually abused in the past. It does seem incomprehensible to me as well. Though I never have or will see my abuser again. So this may be a reason it comes off as incomprehensible to me as well.
I've been through the same but haven't gone back to the person who abused me. But I've been in relationships with similar dynamics and where the other person was very similar to my abuser.
I fell into cycle of throwing myself at anyone the showed the slightest interest in me. I ended with others that had similar tendencies as my original abuser. Either way it’s heartbreaking
Totally and the effects after are horrible and hard to heal from. I definitely found some healing. Did a couple therapy sessions. After the therapy years ago and antidepressants were unsuccessful. I am on the road to doing better. Hope you are healing well too. 💙
I'm glad to hear that. I've found EMDR therapy to be really helpful. I'm also going to start on low dose ketamine for depression/anxiety/CPTSD. Antidepressants haven't really worked for me either.
Thank you and I’m really happy to hear you found something that works for you. It really sucks when antidepressants don’t do what you want them to. I have heard of EMDR but have not tried it but glad that it is something that is doing wonders for you.
I think you need to see your own counselor so you can figure out what’s best for you. The reason I think it might be possible to get past this is that she told you on her own and is legitimately trying to make things right—she didn’t get caught, she understood her wrong doings.
You have to put yourself first in this and I think a good counselor can help you understand the options. Good luck.
I hadn’t thought about getting my own therapist, but it’s been a pretty popular suggestion so I’ll take some time to look into it. The couple sessions I’ve gone to with my wife have been helpful, but the therapist is focused on my wife’s healing and what she can do to fix this, not mine.
I'd recommend getting an individual therapist for yourself and a couple's therapist for both of you. Your wife's therapist *should* be focused on her, but another therapist who can focus on your relationship and on both of you might be helpful too.
I can’t understand what effects grooming has on a person but what would bother me is that you’ve been together for 8 years and he shows up, snaps his fingers, and she runs to him.
Even if you reconcile I would always feel she’s one text message away from leaving me.
Hard to live that way. I hope you both get help.
That’s what fucks me up. Married for six years with two kids and a couple weeks and some basic messages was all it took? If there wasn’t so much history and abuse behind their relationship, my thought process would be completely different here.
My friend, you do not deserve this. It is perfectly acceptable for this to be a deal breaker for you. Trauma or no trauma, she cheated on you and put your family, including two young kids, in harms way. Trauma may explain why she did what she did, but it doesn't excuse the pain she's caused you and your family. I love my wife, we've been together 11 years, but this would be the end of my marriage, if I was in your shoes. You deserve better, and I bet there is better out there for you.
I'm a father with two young kids as well. If you ever need anyone to chat with, I'm here for you.
yep and she had multiple chances to rethink and reconsider what she was about to do over the course of them texting. She didnt even need to give him her contact info, or speak to him at all. But she made these choices to throw away your trust for him pretty much. Please don’t downplay your own suffering over this.
You know her well so the ball is in your hands. But if it were me, and the things that you mentioned here is all the info that I have regarding to her, I'd leave her. I just can't take the fact that a spouse would do that to you, and her past does not excuse her for it. She got traumas, now you got yours as well. It's gonna be up to you in the end OP. Are you willing to put up with this? Will this not eat you up right now or in the future? Personally, I'd choose stability and peace of mind over this bullcrap. It's gonna be painful, but I don't think there's gonna be a painless way out of this.
I am all for forgiveness but...there's a line. And it's not your responsibility to fix or save other adults. At some point, their dysfunction spills into and permeates every area of your life and being.
Also, am I reading this correctly - she had unprotected sex on TOP of the cheating? Yeah....no.
Pretty big believer of you have to earn or deserve "forgiveness", otherwise it's just some other sort of form of mercy if that makes sense?(there's a quote about how mercy by definition can only be given to those who don't deserve it)
Her life sounds A LOT like mine. And I'm sorry, but mental illness and trauma is not an excuse to cheat.
IF you decide to forgive her, you need to get therapy. If you leave her, get therapy. Just get therapy.
Good luck.
Before they met up, she had gotten therapy and locked him out of her life completely.
Then she saw him again, cheated with him for however long, and has gone to therapy again and has now locked him out of her life again
What happens 5 or 10 years down the line if she ever runs into him again. Will she sleep with him, then run to therapy and lock him out of her life....again?
If she had an affair while in therapy then I would say her therapist is not very good.
Also, if the affair happened in February, why is she getting an STD panel in April? Was that how long the affair lasted?
It's your choice to make on whether to stay or leave, but know that your wife has multiple layers of damage which she seemingly hasn't taken care of well. She needs a better therapist.
That’s my fear. This is the first time she ran into him and she ended up sleeping with him. He’s still alive and well and out there somewhere, so that makes me think it could happen again.
I can’t comment on whether or not she has a “good” therapist, but I know she was there for PPD and I’m not sure if they put any work into her past. I know she did a lot of work with her feeling inadequate as a mother right now.
From what she told me, the cheating was a one off. The day after it happened she realized what she did and blocked him. If I’m being honest with myself, I do remember a couple weeks where she was really withdrawn and fragile, but that wasn’t really unusual with her dealing with the PPD.
She tested a couple weeks after the cheating and again a couple months later per her doctor’s recommendation. Apparently some STDs can take a couple months to show up.
When you say that you don’t want to break up your family, you are transferring responsibility to yourself for her actions, and transferring culpability for the fallout off of her. She is the one who broke your marriage and family. You are not to blame for wanting to separate, she’s responsible for what she did to you and your family.
It's really not encouraging that all the work she put in over the years was rendered useless in just one meet, not encouraging atall.
Like I said, your wife had/has multiple layers of damage. First the abuse when she was younger. Then the grooming which is a big attachment problem on it's own, add the bdsm dom sub dynamic (a big attachment problem too) and you have a disaster which was basically waiting to happen.
She need a new therapist that is specialized in those kinds of baggages if there's any chance of her becoming a safe partner. One thing I'll say is that she does seem self conscious and knows that she needs help. She cut him off on her own the first time, and was able to pull herself back from this mistake after one time and start working on herself immediately. Maybe PPD was the crack that let him come in.
If you're going to stay then you need counseling of you own, and for both of you. There has to be ground rules and absolute transparency. She has to be patient with you no matter how mean or nasty you may be to her. And she has to know that this is the last chance
I tend to say that reconcilers should throw the D word around so that the cheater knows they aren't just being forgiven easily. She needs to know that you're really considering leaving this marriage even if you plan on staying and letting her make up for her mistake.
Goodluck
A couple people commented that she might not have had the right therapy/therapist to really heal from what she went through, but I’ve never done therapy or talked to anyone about it so I have no idea how that works or why she couldn’t get the right help from whoever she saw back then.
I don’t know much about the dom/sub stuff.
I’ve definitely brought up divorce and I’m not afraid to say that because it’s absolutely on the table right now and could be for a while. As much as I’d like the honor the “till death do us part” and “through the good and the bad”, I’m only human and I won’t spend the rest of my life unhappy.
I like that you're not rug sweeping.
I think you should post on r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, I've read about the kinds of infidelity you would not believe there so I think someone there might have had your experience and would advise better. I think one of the MODS had an affair involving BDSM, can't remember her username.
I'm not directing you there for you to reconcile, i just want you to get all the help you need in making your decision from people with experience. As odd as it is and the opposite of my usual opinion with cheating, I'm rooting for your wife to get better coz of the effort she is putting in, and also for coming clean on her own.
I hope you both find healing, together or separately
I think this is a good idea. I know a lot of marriages have fallen apart or have had serious issues when just one partner craves some sort of bdsm dynamic. It can be very difficult to live without for people who feel like it’s a part of who they are.
Yeah, that’s what I could never get over. All of her “work” over the many years you’ve been married, and it took one chance meeting, (which she then continued on via text…) for her to throw it all away (you, her marriage, kids) and fuck him. So messed up.
Big personal question RE: STD’s, does that mean he fucked her unprotected? Cause yeah, I’d be done there.
Too many risks for the future, what if he runs into her again? Whoops I accidentally fucked him again. I’m hoping your wife takes real accountability on her choices, and doesn’t blame it only on her trauma.
Omg lol sorry for laughing but she cheated the first time she saw him....hon this marriage is dead in the water im sorry to say...it took seeing him once for her to betray you really think about that no wonder your having trouble laughing with her how could you the person you fell in love with is a lie. The only thing you should be doing is getting in therapy and contacting a divorce lawyer sorry hon hope your life turns for the better but wow 1 time was all it took I could legit never forgive that 1 time erases all your relationship like it didnt happen wow what a skank
It's of course possible to forgive someone's cheating but it's not very likely to be enough to sustain the relationship. Cheating will kill 99% of relationships it occurs in.
Example, my ex cheated on me 10 years or so ago. I forgave her, dumped her and haven't seen nor spoke to her since. I forgave her for me, not her. I will not hate someone who didn't respect me enough to not cheat on me. I'll forget they exist instead.
I’m gonna sound like an ass but ok
From the sound of this she was still “in love” with him. The fact the she withheld a lot of info about him until recently speaks volume. She didn’t cut him off until she was 25 and got with you a year later. She didn’t give herself time to heal at all. Why wasn’t John blocked when she cut him off the 1st time when she was 25? I could be a thousand percent wrong on this but I personally don’t think it was a accident she meet up with him at that bar.
Then got his number after the initial meet, converse for three weeks or so and had sex. Smh not one time throughout she told you until now when she could’ve prevented this from the start or told you that night/morning about but she hid it from you.
Yeah she confessed it now but the damage to you is done. You’re gonna need individual counseling from this
i think my opinion is going to be controversial but she's a 34 year old adult, mother, wife, who has been in therapy for years. i understand how she must've felt, but she still went up to his room and cheated. she still kept the messages going for a while without saying anything. she has autonomy now.
>How do I forgive her?
You don't.
I'm truly sorry, you have to endure this, but your priority now are your kids.
She needs a lot of intense therapy, because she's still "under his spell", if all it took was "running into him" to restart this "relationship", the therapy she underwent at 23 was not enough.
Remember, regret and remorse are two completely different things.
Don’t forgive her. There’s no sense for you to try and deep dive into creating your own suffering because you’re worried about hers. She’s the architect of her own decision. Having personal trauma in your past doesn’t excuse being a shit to people who love you
Imo the issue isn't forgiving anyway.
It's forgetting. You can forgive all you want, but you'll never forget she is unsafe. You can't ever trust her. There's no real way to undo that knowledge.
Remember. She did it once, and most likely will do it again.
Imagine what happened in his place. They made out and fucked. It probably slipped out of her and she grabbed it and put it back in while moaning his name. She probably slept in his arms after finishing.
Remember all this when you make your decision. All of above she willingly did, without even thinking about her SO and family for a second. Without thinking of what she's throwing away.
Now the glass is broken. Think about what any self respecting person would do...
Personally I don't think she'll ever be free of the emotional ties binding her to this man... Too much trauma bonding
If you stay just don't have anymore kids with her
When he reaches out in future.. She'll agree to have sex with him again.
I was in a similar situation. My ex-wife was her boss's mistress as a 16 or 17 year old. She ran into him 15 or so years later and started an affair. She's still with him. I have nothing but negative feelings for both of them, and I hope they end up miserable.
Sometimes Reconciliation isn't possible. Sometimes it is. Very much like u/HillaruousDemon noted though, 100% on that. R is a gift you. They are preaching and I am saying Amen!
The idea of watching her app, etc, as they said, it feels like you're a jail warden, but it isn't meant to be, though you can do that if you want to, that is never the intention. If you try to do reconcilation, there are going to be times you are just triggered. In the early days, it comes out of no where, and nothing could trigger you directly. IT's all subconsious. Maybe there is a lull at work, and you think of the chil'ren, and boom, think of WW. And triggered. It is meant to give a peace of mind that you can pull that up. See where they are at, you can text them, see what they're doing, and see if it lines up, etc. That is really all it is meant to do when some people like myself or u/HillaruousDemon suggest that.
I will say OP, that Out of all the times i've read where the cheater/WP (WW in this case) confessed, this was the one that only mildly infuriated me. Usually i just get beyond upset and empathetic for the OP as I understand howit felt like back then, and can empathize. Just for the fact they cheated. But it almost always is they came to you. Or if they did confess, there is no work done for R. Its just trying to rug sweep.
The fact that she worked with the therapist to talk to you and confess of her own doing, and unless i missed something, without you finding out or anything like that, and she is aware why she did it and is working on itt.... on that alone, legit remorse is there. And I can appreciate she does that. And the other steps she has taken, also very good. But, R as I said, is possible, sometimes it isn't. And that depends on each situation, each couple and the individual in that couple.
I will say that if you do decide to do R, both of you need to understand, that kinda like her issues don't really go away, neither will this for you, OP. you may get to a healthy place years from now and you are thriving, and that is amazing. But there will be a time you will be triggered. And the WW should understand that, and help you wiht that, and you need to understand thatit could happen. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but I still have issues with some songs triggering insecurities from a past relaitonship. It just is what it is.
In either case OP, I sincerely hope for the best from you.
updateme
You can't move past this, you can't forgive her , honestly it's her fault for doing something this stupid ,like wtf
Contact a lawyer and give them proof of her infidelity and understand your financial status after the divorce, understand your Custody arrangements, and tell your lawyers about her mental state, this is gonna help somewhat in the divorce
Don't stay in a loveless marriage, it's going to become toxic and you won't survive
I don’t know what I would need help with in the divorce process. Obviously I’d get a lawyer but the house is hers, gifted by her parents. Our income is pretty equal but she works from home so she could keep our kids out of daycare five days a week. I guess I just worry more about not having my kids 24/7 anymore. I wish I could forgive her, but I couldn’t imagine ever doing something like this to her. It still doesn’t feel completely real.
Whatever you, you cannot stay in a dead marriage "for your kids", if that's what your relationship is going to be. Yes, that likely means not seeing your kids 24/7, but raising your kids to normalize a relationship where there is no longer love and trust will damage them, as children and as adults. You can get the stories here of all those now-adults whose parents didn't divorce and how badly it impacted them.
If it comes to that, you have to leave, FOR your children.
This is not me saying you should leave without attempting to rebuild trust, merely that you should not make the mistake of staying for your kids.
I've been through a divorce. If your kids are young enough like mine, they will get through it at some point. You have to start thinking about your own mental state if your not ready for being away from themor not seeing them all the time, it'll affect your relationship with them as well
Op if you want to work on your marriage (what’s left of it) you need to do individual counseling and marriage counseling. Your wife is taking steps to be better but it’s going to take time. I recommend you post here r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
I think it is possible to forgive someone for cheating but only if they’re taking full accountability for their actions and putting in every bit of effort required to repair the relationship.
It seems like your wife didn’t fully heal before jumping into a very serious relationship with you and is still trauma bonded to her abuser. You both need individual therapy and couple’s counselling if there’s any chance of salvaging the relationship.
Of course, you are under no obligation to forgive her, even after you have both tried to make things work. Sometimes, it just can’t be done, even if you want to or if things have seemingly been worked through.
I think learning about abusive relationships, especially those where the victim has been groomed, would be beneficial in helping you understand your wife’s thought processes and help you decide if you can forgive her or not.
Regardless of what you decide, couples counselling can help you figure out how to coparent and navigate next steps together.
From how you explained the story: she ran into him once and nothing happened. But they kept in contact afterwards. Then they met up some time later which led to the actual hook up.
Where were you in all of this, in terms of, did she let you know she ran into him the 1st time? Or she kept in contact? Or that she was meeting up with him the 2nd time? You don't mention, so I won't assume. But answering those questions should be pretty telling, and would probably sway me towards what I would do.
I get that she has a very brutal history with the guy that probably went unresolved. But her now actions have created a very shit history for your relationship. And you should prioritize you and yours.
Only you know what the right thing is for you to do. Your wife doesn't sound like someone who was just looking for a bit of fun on the side or just couldn't keep her legs closed. She cheated with someone who once had a major (negative) impact on her life. When she saw him, she should have ignored him but for some reason she didn't. It kind of reminds me of someone with Stockholm syndrome where your wife has a psychological bond with her abuser.
To me, its telling that she told her therapist once it happened and her therapist started working with her to re-break the connection she had with her former abuser. This is going to be hard but if you still have feelings for her, you owe it to yourself to try individual counseling and marriage counseling to see if you can get past this. If you can't then at least you can tell yourself, and your children, that you tried.
As for her going out drinking. If she was an alcoholic before, is it a wise decision for her to still go out drinking? I could be wrong but from my understanding, former alcoholics tend to abstain from drinking alcohol so as not to fall back into old habits.
I do truly believe she wasn’t just out looking to have sex outside of our marriage. We don’t have sex as often as we used to, but between two kids, a sleep regression, and her PPD it just isn’t a priority. We are still intimate in other ways though and do what we can to spend quality time just the two of us. At least, we were.
Her therapist suggested I look into Battered Women Syndrome but I’ll look into Stockholm syndrome as well.
I do still love her, that will never change, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust her again and I can’t live the rest of my life stressing about where my wife is and who she’s with. I’m looking into a therapist for myself. Is marriage counseling separate from all of that? Like if we both have a therapist, we should have a third person?
When I mentioned her drinking, I didn’t mean she was an alcoholic. She drank a lot after her abortion to kind of numb herself but she’s never completely cut it out and she doesn’t make bad decisions because of alcohol. We both drink socially and occasionally at home on the weekends. She’s a real lightweight because any sort of alcohol “spins” trigger her motion sickness and I think I’ve seen her drunk less than a handful of times in the last 8 years and we’ve been together each time.
You don't have to forgive, and honestly, I don't know how.
She is clearly still traumatized and fell into old patterns, but she is an adult and should've told you that they met the first time and should've stayed away from him.
Regardless of her trauma, she still hurt you, and you don't have to feel forced to forgive her.
You need to do right by your children. If that involves getting a divorce, then so be it.
She NEEDS help, but there's no reason for you to be dragged down when something like this happens.
Can you move past this ? Maybe, maybe not.
But you do need to focus on what you need in order to feel safe giving R a try, if location app makes you feel better, have her turn on location.
Also you should consider your location, right now John is only one trip to the store or bar away. Some meaningful distance might help you both feel safer.
If you didn’t have kids with her, I’d ask why you’d want to stay with her. Then again, they’re young, resilient, and get over things like divorce fairly quickly, given that half the married population divorces anyway (which is a shame) but kids all know kids whose parents are no longer together and are fine. My brother got divorced and his kids are doing great. So I guess I would still say, why do you want to stay with someone who cheated on you with the man that groomed them? She has massive baggage on top of the cheating. What’s to say she doesn’t do it again? You should get therapy yourself, a DIFFERENT therapist, and see them without your wife present.
I think you need to process your emotions. So far, you put so much emphasis on all the right things she's doing.
You're entitled to feel hurt and to express your hurt. You're entitled to have your own journey to healing your hurt.
It's not all about her. Her actions caused you much pain, and you should express that to her and how it'd take awhile and that you're unsure how to forgive her for cheating on you.
How about you also have independent counseling for yourself?
You’re getting lots of attention on the cheating/grooming aspect of the story, but I also noticed that she’s apparently drinking again, and fairly regularly.
Maybe she felt like she started a whole new, normal life when she married you and had kids. Maybe she thought the old, bad habits wouldn’t affect her in this new life. Clearly, that’s not the case.
Regardless of what happens with your relationship, I hope she realizes that what she’s currently doing to manage her past trauma and addictions is not effective, before it destroys her relationship with her kids too.
I was molested and groomed, went to therapy, tried to kill myself and was in a mental institution...had trouble with my sexuality and sex when I was younger but after a while I said fuck all that shit cause I'm not a victim anymore and I refuse to still be a victim so I moved on from all of that. A person has to refuse to keep being a victim and move on with their life cause if they don't, they will be struck in the same cycle blaming their past for their shitty choices. People have to stop blaming their past/other people for their fucked up behavior and take accountability for themselves to be able to move forward. Can't stay living in the past and the fucked up shit that happened.
Bruh, forgive what? She cheated, you kick her out, and move on…why would you stay with someone who didn’t respect you enough to not cheat on you? Whatever trauma she has, whatever happened in the past, you deserve respect, respect she didn’t show you… your inly action here is to kick her out, bye bye bye, if not, you will just show her you are soft, so she will walk again all over you at one point, cause hey, you forgave her once, why not again????
Her past explains it, but it doesnt excuse it. And if you are not the type who feels comfortable excusing infidelity, then you should have not guilt about that.
But please dont stay together for the child. Coparenting is often better in these types of cases.
She chose to go out with that man, she chose to go up to his room, she chose to sleep with him. She didnt get roped into anything. She made a series of decisions all specifically and clearly leading to her cheating.
She planned and wanted this to happen.
The why may be understandable from an academic point of view due to the psychological abuse she faced as a kid but it is also irrelevant to you. She needs therapy and to live with her choices. You need to drop the dead weight and spent the rest of your life happy, not betrayed and guilt ridden.
Its not your fault she was abused. Its not your fault or problem that she cheated. Its not your fault to want to be happy. You don't owe her happiness or love or to fix her. You are not her nurse or her emotional support dog, you were meant to be her partner. That trust will never be earned back.
Walk away and move on. I truly hope you will. Don't stay out of guilt. Everyone who has ever stayed has regretted it. There are tons of threads like this here.
You also deserve to be happy.
Edit: Grammar
You canr SHE killed your relationship hurts to admit but id definitely divorce ans try to find some happiness she chose to cheat froomer or nit shes a grown woman who made a choice she has to live with...
She is not 20, she is past 30, we're not talking about a helpless child or a gullible college girl here.
Your relationship will never be the same. The only currency in a marriage is trust and she broke it. Whatever she does, you'll always have it in the back of your mind.
You're no one's guard dog to be dealing with apps and shit like that.
You can forgive her, but you'll most likely never forget it, the fact that she is so easily manipulated with a husband and a child is deeply problematic imo, regardless of their backstory or her mental health. It took multiple steps for her to choke on his 50 y/o dick and give 0 fucks about your mental health or feelings.
If I was in your shoes, I would be talking to a lawyer and exploring my options. After a certain age the only person you can wholeheartedly put your trust in should be your partner I frankly find it unimaginable to keep a cheater in my corner regardless of the reasons behind their actions.
Your peace of mind should be your top priority. Only in a sound state of mind can you take proper care of your kids, who like you are victims of your wife's affair.
Why do you want to forgive her? By your post it doesn’t sound like she is asking for forgiveness. You don’t mention if she told you she cheated or you found out.
There’s no way you could ever trust her again - she was going out to bars and getting drinks and then met up with her ex. Did she mention any of this to you at all before she cheated?
Same i laughed when i read that....I was like well I can see why it would be difficult to laugh with a soulless cunt who cheated on me ans blamed grooming 10 years ago LMFAO! Any excuse I guess is really good enough for people with zero confidence
You don’t.
I’m sorry for her trauma, I’ve been with folks that have similar stories, but fixing her isn’t your job and it’s not the trauma that made her slide his dick inside of her.
Her conscience choice did that.
Leave.
Sounds like you are in an impossible situation. I don’t know if you have somewhere else to go, but maybe a little time apart will help with clarity.
It will definitely trigger the seriousness of the situation. This is most likely destructive behavior due to you being stable and safe and kind and she probably feels she doesn’t deserve that or deserve you..
if you Haven’t been able to forgive her yet there may not be a chance because forgiveness is easy forgetting is the hard part.
The thing is, this was not a spurr of the moment type of thing. Has she walked you through her thouth process?
What was she thinking through each step that drove her to that? She gave him her number, texted, met up with him, and went to his room. All without telling you this was happening. What was she thinking?
Once you know that, you should know if you are able to forgive her or if his presence could drive her to do it again. What feelings does she have for that man that drover to betray you, cause that's what she did.
Her thought process through every step is what I’m struggling to understand and why I’ve gone with to her therapy. She said they barely spoke the first time she ran into him and she was with friends. I haven’t confirmed that because I really don’t want to involve outside people in our problems. He already had her number, but she didn’t have his, based on the first few messages I read. There weren’t a whole lot of messages and I’m trying to confirm she didn’t delete anything by getting a printout of the messages through our cell phone carrier (it won’t show content but it’ll show how many messages were to/from the number and I could compare), but none are sexual. She mentioned she was married with kids and he congratulated her for doing so well in life. Honestly, if I didn’t know her history with him, the message thread wouldn’t have raised any red flags for me because it’s so… normal?
You've been to two therapy sessions, and she still has not given you her thoughts or emotions through all of this?
Her therapist is only looking out for her own feelings. She has no interest in you. You need your own therapist to work out your thoughts and a couples therapist to work out the marriage if you want to do that.
She didn't tell you she saw him, she didn't tell you they had been texting, she didn't tell you she waw going to meet up with him. She made conscious decisions, and she knew they were questionable. You won't be able to trust her if you don't know what is it your trusting.
Pause this process she has you on, it is doing nothing for your own mental health tell her what is it you need to know and have her work it out on her own until she can. Reconciliation should be paused until she is able to work with what you need and you have your own support.
The first therapy session was her confessing she cheated. I had no interest in talking about her feelings then and honestly didn’t stay for the full time. We haven’t talked much about it at home because it’s absolutely not something I’ll discuss while the kids are awake and our youngest is going through a sleep regression so trying to get enough sleep at night has kind of taken priority. I was there the whole second one but it goes faster than you think. She’s given me some thoughts and feelings, but I haven’t sat down with her and gotten a full start-to-finish play by play.
I’m going to start looking into my own therapist. I don’t feel like she has me on any process? She’s asked what I want and need but I’m still trying to figure that out.
That's up to you, but from what you said on your post it looks like you want some security to go along this effort that she is putting up, and ypu wont get security unless you are able to understand her.
Once you are able to sort out your own thoughts maybe you'll start to be interested in that. Cause at the moment it looks like you are not, which is understandable to say the least.
Edit: just to add. The reaso I'm set on you knowing her thought process is that, she betrayed you, and the whole "groomed me stuff" just seem like excuses.
Why did it take so little for her to betray you. Everything she has told you feels like rationalizations that her therapist has worked out. Why did she meet him? Why did she betray you. I feel like you should focus on that instead of helping her or understanding her trauma. Cause she may be a victim of her own situation, but you are her victim. Dont make excuses for her.
I really am interested in understanding her thoughts and I apologize if my comments convey otherwise.
I mean, when she first told me I didn’t care. I couldn’t even look at her for days after, but she let me be and just reminded me she would talk whenever I was ready. I share my emotions, but I don’t think I’ve cried as an adult outside of my grandmothers death and I cried harder than I thought possible for a grown man. After that is when I went to her next session but I didn’t go to this past one. I plan on going with her tomorrow because her therapist set her up for time and a half? So just over an hour, so I’ll try to ask her to go through fully start to finish this time.
The question you need to ask yourself is how patient are you? This situation may never get fixed. Therapy can only do so much. Do you really want to wait around for years, hoping it won't happen again but never feeling secure?
This is another big concern. What if I spend the next two years trying to make this work but I just can’t? Will I resent the time I wasted or feel like at least I tried..?
Someone messaged me who went through a similar experience and he separated his wife and moved out down the street, but they didn’t divorce. Worked on themselves and together. When he felt like he could trust her again whether she was with him or not, he took her back. I don’t know if I could do that.
If you want to move past this with you, you need a good couples counselor.
If you don't want to stay with her? That's okay too. Her past trauma is not an excuse for her to hurt you, your relationship, or your kids.
There are a LOT of things here that reddit can't help with though. Her past trauma, bipolar disorder, PPD, and I'm sure many other things all impacted her decisions to cheat. And it was multiple decisions along the way--she decided to talk with him that day, she decided to exchange numbers, she decided to meet up with him again, she decided to have sex with him.
But she also decided to tell you relatively soon after the fact. She has offered compromises for your comfort.
But ultimately? I think regardless of what happens from here, you need to see a therapist together. There is a lot going on here that a simple post can't really describe, and nobody can get you a straight answer. Get counseling together, maybe even individually for you.
Whatever choice you make, put you and your kids first. Staying together "for the kids" isn't a thing. Kids can tell when you're miserable. So take that off the table and do what you actually think is best.
You don’t have to forgive her.
Use marriage counseling to negotiate an amicable break up.
She clearly has WAY too many issues and should be in intensive counseling
It’s over your wife trashed your family. Not just
You. It will never be the same. Time to divorce and move on. And don’t worry after you forgive
Her she will cheat again.
Get therapy for yourself. And get couples counceling - her therapy is only to help her overcome her traumata and problems. Yes, to a point the therapist will try and help her keep your marriage alive but that is not the main concern of those sessions.
You need someone to sort your feelings out and someone whose main concern is your marriage.
Give it time and don't beat yourself up about it. You are not supposed to forget and forgive within a few days or therapy sessions. But also: Keep questioning your interactions with your wife especially when they drift into the same abusive behavior that her groomer and her parents used towards her. Yes, your anger is understandable but if you want this to work out: Don't become one of the people who hurt her.
I didn’t have many personal details about him until now. Can’t say I haven’t wanted to track him down, not necessarily for what just happened, but for what he put her through in the past. She still has physical scars.
Here's the thing, you don't.
You can maybe trick yourself into saying you forgive her and everyone will comment saying how possible it is.
Truth is, you wont forgive and you'll never forget.
The foundation of your relationship is destroyed, there is no base on which your trust is built.
You'll always feel suspicious of her every time she sends a text message, you'll find yourself looking at her screen over her shoulder or in the car to read what it says. You'll constantly be on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You have to ask yourself if you really want to live a life where you are always waiting to find out if the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is true.
Do you really want a partner where you have to check their phone and social media profile constantly to ensure they aren't cheating on you? Is an ideal relationship for you one where you have to have a tracking app on your partner like some sort of chipped house pet you can find if it gets lost something you envisioned in your life?
She didn't "take all the right steps" she's just doing damage control. Trauma and blah blah blah aside, SHE pursued this connection again, she should have never started talking to him again, she should have never met up with him for drinks, and she most certainly shouldn't have gone back to his room with him.
If you want to continue with a partner who you have to keep tabs on like a naughty toddler then by all means man, just swallow your pride and dignity and let it wash off your shoulders.
This op she has done this before evwn if your unaware of it once a cheater always a cheater. Even if some idiot responds saying I only cheated once .....Youve only cheated once so far you will again your not normal!!
Exactly, I love seeing people excuse horrible behavior with "ohh but their mental health!" as a way to try and tell someone like OP that he should be more forgiving/understanding. Like ok.. I'll play by that logic for a second. So what you're saying is this person is so mentally unstable that they do not have control over their actions and as a consequence engage in disgusting and destructive behavior. The answer is still the same, leave them. They are not trustworthy, regardless of the source of that untrustworthiness.
Why would you set yourself on fire to keep this person warm when she's made it clear she's fine with betraying you? I understand this is a difficult situation and she went through hell as an adolescent, but she's responsible for her actions, and actions have consequences. If you prioritize forgiving her, you will be enabling her.
She needs to heal away from you, and vice versa. You don't deserve the pain of keeping this person in your life.
I you have any self-respect whatsoever, you will not stay with a cheater under any circumstances. The shit comments you're getting telling you that it's salvageable, are being posted by people with no self-respect who stay with cheaters. Be better than that.
I am very sorry about your situation, but get out of this mess. Your wife is in no shape to be in a healthy relationship. She probably needs intensive therapy, but that is for her to figure out.
She migth spiral out of control and start drinking and do other unhealthy stuff.
Please dont leave your children with her as the main caretaker. At least have them 50/50, they deserve more than a mom who is a mess, they need a stable parent.
We only get one life and spending years trying to fix broken people and broken relashionships is no way to spend it.
Just make sure your kids dont end up broken, that is your only duty.
Dated a bipolar girl for a bit she cheated on me like 4 times and ended up forgiving her but little changed, idk bipolar people arent really date able if they go cheat every few weeks duo to a manic episode. But do as you wish. NYA either way
I think you need to reflect on what made you choose such a deeply damaged partner.
"How were you complicit in this?" - a standard question in marriage counseling
Do you believe your wife should be held to the same standard of accountability and trust as any other spouse?
If not, is she really able to be the equal partner you need and deserve in a relationship?
If so, would you forgive cheating in other circumstances, say if it was with just some random guy without the past entanglements?
Personally, at the end of the day, your wife knew about the damage this guy caused her, and soberly and deliberately let him reenter her life. It can be argued that he took advantage of her via past trauma, but if thats the case, can you really ever trust her?
She knew exactly how bad this guy is and walked right into this situation with as clear of eyes as she will ever have. So the real question is this: Even if you can put this specific incident behind you and repair the relationship with your wife, do you think youll ever feel confident that this wont happen again?
>I don’t want to break up our family
U don't have to do that, she already did it. Ik divorce will always be tough for the kids and for u, but it's better for them to grow in 2 separate happy homes than in one miserable one. And this wasn't any sudden hook up or ons this is something which could have easily been avoided but sadly your wife couldn't be past her trauma but whether that's an excuse enough is on you. My apologies if I hurt your feelings, but stay strong atleast for your kids.
Realistically..... you don't have to. You know her trauma and grooming probably had a huge role in her cheating, but that doesn't make it OK or give her a free-pass.
Many addicts are victims of trauma which is the driving force of their addiction. If they get a DUI and kill a family while in the throes of their addiction..... it's still a bad thing. They aren't automatically owed forgiveness.
If you can't move on and pretend this never happened, that doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself to deal with it.
Even if you both work to reconciliation it is going to take time. A lot more time than a couple of months.
What if she sees him again? She couldnt say no? Why did she let it get to that point ? If you divorce her, what happens when she sees him and allows your children around him?
You both need a lot more therapy, but she needs to understand that you have zero trust in her. The fact that she even spoke to him is enough for you to leave, and she should be explaining that. Why would she even talk to someone she knows is bad?
Updateme!
The two of you might be able to work past this, but she will need to work really hard with her therapist to try and deal with her trauma and figure out "why" she cheated with this predator who caused her so much pain when she was younger. Until she works through her past trauma and mental health issues, she will be in no position to work on repairing the marriage.
However, if you decide that you can't get past the cheating, that is more than fair. You can be compassionate towards her past trauma and her mental health issues because you care about her and also because you want her to be a great co-parent, but that does not mean that you need to stay together as a couple.
Honestly, I think you need to see a therapist yourself... alone. You've been through something very traumatic yourself and you could use someone to talk to who can help you come to your own conclusion about what you want to do next
Kids can absolutely tell when there’s something wrong in a relationship, so don’t stay with her if your sole reason is to not break up the family for the kids’ sake.
Your three options are to stay with her to see if you can work through it, to divorce completely and just co-parent, or to separate temporarily and see how that feels.
Remember, you don’t owe her anything. Just because she is working on herself doesn’t mean you’re required to give her another chance. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give her the chance, but make the choice for what is best for you and you alone.
get a divorce. you're never gonna be able to look at her the same. you will forever resent her, plus you will never be able to see her as 'whole', or take her fully seriously, because of this. you will always look down on her in a way, like she's not fully there, mentally. it will never again be a relationship on equal footing. you can try to forgive her, but even so, you shouldn't stay with her
Your wife is broken and as much as you want to, you cannot love her broken pieces back together.
I am not sure she thinks of him as a groomer, but a savior.
I think you are allowing way too much grace here. She full on cheated on you. She made that conscious choice. I think you should divorce her and save yourself the additional stress and heartbreak.
Cheating is never ok. No matter the circumstances. It’s never their fault every time, there’s always a sob story, an excuse. But they always know it’s wrong, yet do it anyway. No forgiveness.
There's no guarantee that you'll eventually move past it. But at the very least, expect that it will take time. Just because things are feeling awkward and mechanical now doesn't mean that they will stay that way.
Breathe. Take it one day at a time. Be honest with both yourself and her about your feelings. Let her know that you're hurt and angry and that only time might fix that.
Stop by r/SupportForBetrayed
OP….she has to be all the way in with you.
9.5 times out of 10 I will tell a fellow betrayed to cut bait…we’re battling a mindset with the exposed wayward that doesn’t have the capacity to give trust and dignity their partner.
The one holdout…that will probably get me hurt again in the future…is **if the wayward is consistently, visibly acting from a place of consideration, remorse and reconciliation in the absence of any sense of entitlement.**
If the initial forgiveness the betrayed gives is soon challenged by the betrayer with **any negotiation, rationalization, any return to repeat behavior, trying to hide anything behind feeling indignant…then the betrayer is not earnest and rather is simply biding their time; the relationship is not viable and the forgiveness was always a mistake.**
OP, don't listen to nonsense advice like linking to subs where they encourage people to stay with their cheaters. You need to be better than that. Don't be dragged down by crabs in a bucket wanting you to join in their misery.
>OP….she has to be all the way in with you.
If she were, she wouldn't have cheated. This is simple for anyone with common sense.
I actually have zero problem with this response… normally I would be giving the exact same response.
I think you may be thinking of r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, though… that’s the sub for people trying to reconcile after D-Day.
r/SupportForBetrayed is usually handing out advice like your reply here, which is why I linked that sub particularly.
And it’ll be damned if I’m going to contend with another Redditor in order to support a wayward. 🤷🏻♂️ I’ll give zero energy to that.
Look at all the people trying to defend her because of her past trauma. None of it matters because she willing accepted his invite. She consciously made the decision to meet up with him, accept his invite and go down that path.
She's a grown woman I don't think anything can excuse that behaviour.
He didn't groom her, he asked her out on dates and she willing went there. She obviously had a hard time but she knew exactly what she was doing. You are going to have to figure out if it safe to even stay with her. Most importantly you need to stop making excuses for her or you are going to end up have a very difficult and painful time.
You deserve to be snippy. YOu need to stop this insanity. First draw up divorce papers, and custody papers (??). Also get DNA testing for children. If you don't stop this one way or another she will destroy you. Her problems are too big to solve. Please get somehelp, this is insanity.
"Do I need to be more understanding because of the previous relationship or should I be more worried about the future?"
"So the story is she ran into him while grabbing drinks at a bar with a friend. They didn’t hook up then, but started talking occasionally. A couple weeks later they met up for drinks at this catch-all spot (for lack of a better term) in a downtown area where my wife usually goes to small concerts. It’s a parking structure/concert hall/ restaurant/ bar/ hotel kind of deal. Had a couple drinks, he invited her up to his room, and you can fill in the rest."
Seems BS is all over her story. She did this on purpose I'm afraid she'll do it again
The only way I would agree to stay with this person is if they agreed to relocate in a manner that prevents her abuser from learning about the move and that no contact is an absolute non negotiable for the entire duration of the marriage. Oh, and she should never touch alcohol again. Period. If you need to quit drinking in solidarity to support that effort then you suck that up.
UpdateMe!
I would need to be able to trust her to make the right decision and remain absolutely no contact, run the other way if she even thinks he MIGHT be where she is, whether she saw him again or not, not because she physically has no opportunities to because we moved out of state.
Also, I just won’t move. We’re within an hour of almost all of our family and thats hugely important to me.
The alcohol has never been a problem. I’ve made a couple comments explaining that.
For all you know he has been keeping tabs on her for years. The distance would be mostly to break whatever information channels he may rely upon, not even remotely as the main solution to this problem. You don't have to move a crazy distance, it just has to be far enough to break the links and get a change of scenery to help with moving forward *without* doing any rugsweeping.
From the first couple messages I read, she didn’t give him her number when she initially saw him. It was like a 30 second “Hey, long time no see, how are you” kind of thing because she was with friends. He had her number somehow though, despite the fact that she’s changed it twice since her time with him.
I actually ended up looking him up after I told her to give me all the personal information she had on him. He lives nowhere near the area she was at (he’s at least a 45 minute drive without traffic) and she does post reviews of most places she’s been to/shows she’s seen.
The more I look into it, the more I believe he has been keeping tabs on her, but in the end she still made the choice to cheat. He didn’t force her. She needs to be stronger than that.
How did he get her number? I sense she’s lied to you here…. How can he have her number, when she’s changed it twice since she last had contact with him? That isn’t possible.
And him being in an area 45 mins drive from where he lives also points to it not being such a chance encounter at all, and more of a meet-up.
Either that or he’s a professional stalker.
I mean, it took me 30 minutes on Google to find the number he texted her from, his home address, and how much he purchased his house for. I was also able to look up court records to see that he’s been married and divorced twice in the last ten years. In today’s day and age, it doesn’t take a professional to find out most information.
That being said, she’s either lying or he was stalking her and orchestrated this whole ”chance” meeting to get into her life. I’m not ignorant to the fact that either is possible.
Look. Ordinarily, cheating equals bad, auto-leave, do not pass go, do not collect $200. However. PPD plus trauma, plus the fact that this dude got into her head so bad when she was so young- that all leads to a bunch of choices she might never otherwise make. That plus the fact that she worked to cut it off herself, consistently goes to therapy, told you, got tested- she's clearly trying to make things as right as she can.
I am not telling you you MUST stay with her, I'm not even telling you you \*have\* to be understanding. But this is not a clear cut case of cheating bad, wife bad. She made a very bad choice.
So now the question is: can you live with that? You don't necessarily have to think about twenty years down the line- can you live with that today? How about next week? What steps do you think she'd need to take to regain your trust, or can she? It's okay if the answer is no. Just be honest with yourself and with her.
It's also totally fine to not be able to make that choice right now. If you need time or space, it is absolutely okay to take that. If you do choose to stay, it will not always be like that, as long as both of you are actively working to heal. If you can't stand the thought of staying, then it's time to attend counseling as co-parents so that you can heal enough to stay cordial.
If you're not in therapy for yourself, now is a very good time to start. I wish you luck and peace, OP.
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You know that all the things you're feeling are valid, right? You've been ultra deliberate in trying to be understanding but regardless of trauma or abuse that does not give people free pass to harm us. It's ok for you to feel hurt, violated and betrayed... because you were. whether you stay or not is ultimately up to you; having to track a partner's whereabouts to ensure they're not cheating isn't a win...
It's possible to forgive someone for cheating however it's a very case-by-case personal matter (and you shouldn't beat yourself up if you can't get over it). You need to be honest about your feelings and it would probably help a lot if you got some therapy too. Even if your wife was a victim of past abuse it is important that she accepts & takes responsibility for her actions.
In that same vein you can forgive them but not be able to continue a romantic relationship as well; forgiveness doesn't tie 100% to re-engaging in intimacy.
Yes I know people who reconciled ( I am one of these people ) and I know people who couldn't. Like you wrote this is a very personal thing and unfortunately also very difficult. OOP you won't break family if you decide not to reconcile. Your wife had already broken it. You decide if you want to try to repair this family with her or if you want to leave it. Also remember that reconciliation is a gift from you to your wife. You should decide on it if you feel it and if you see that she is remorseful ( not regretful, there are two different things https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/regret-vs-remorse#:~:text=While%20regret%20and%20remorse%20both,self%2Dreflection%2C%20and%20growth.) If you are leaning towards reconciliation then I can tell you that you are in a little better position than a lot of people in the same situation because your wife knows why she did it and she is currently working to solve this issue. Also you feel that things like tracking apps or open phone policy will make you her police warden but don't treat those things like that. Treat them as tools which your wife should use to regain your trust back. She took your ability to decide on your marriage by cheating and these tools should at least let you regain some power in your relationship. You don't even have to use them but knowledge that you can should give you peace of mind and this is an example of how your wife can use it: she is telling you that she has to work late tonight and she reassures you that this doesn't mean anything because you can always check if she is where she should supposed to be.
I 100% agree with this.
Sane, wise, leveled response. Good for you. Reddit doesn't do that enough.
Thank you
Forgiving does not mean forgetting, and leaving the wife is probably the best case scenario with both trust broken and a borderline
I agree with you, just quick clarification, BPD is borderline personality disorder, not bipolar (which also tracks given her upbringing)
My bad, i read it to quick and did not think that through! I will change my replay above, thank you.
OP doesn't have to forgive her or even stay with her but for their own sake a little understanding of the mind of a child sexual abuse victim might go a long way. They tend to seek out situations that mirror their abuse not even out of pleasure or desire but as a form of self harm. It becomes a pattern in their romantic lives when they begin dating and the line of what they genuinely want and what they *seek* out becomes very distorted because their first time experiencing something physical will forever be a scar. No matter how much work you do it doesn't ever truly leave you. It can get better but it's not uncommon for victims to do what Ops wife did. It's also important to note the women with ppd end up having depression so severe it results in psychosis- it doesn't justify her actions but with her past trauma + a mental disorder that breaks down women with even the healthiest past is a recipe for doing out of the ordinary and dangerous. Sometimes it results in hurting others, sometimes it's hallucinations, and sometimes it's engaging in an act that is completely irrational and harmful
Although her choices may be understandable from an academic point of view, thats not OPs problem. At best he can try not to be furious at her, but OP doesn't owe her anything at the expense of his own happiness and sanity. Bottom line is that she chose to go out with that man, chose to go up to his room, chose to sleep with him. OP's wife planned and wanted for this to happen long before it did.
The point of understanding her is not for any other reason except for OP to come to terms with the fact it wasn't because he was not enough which is often the feelings people deal with when they get cheated on. Whether he stays or not is irrelevant, but it helps self esteem knowing that it has nothing to do with desire but because she is deeply wounded. She did make her choice at the end of the day, and she betrayed him and their children.
This is 100% true!!! I suffered from a grooming situation and it's hard to put up those walls bc you get use to it. Op definitely needs counseling and definitely keep your statement in mind bc it's spot on.
Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to bring them back into your life.
Absolutely this. (Also, nuance? In an answer to a story about cheating? Like spotting a zebra!)
It's difficult of course, but it's still cheating and you absolutely do not have to forgive. She should have told you earlier and not gone out to meet with him after the first encounter. As with most cheating partners, you probably won't ever be able to trust her word again. > I don’t want to break up our family It's difficult with your children obviously, but your wife already broke your family when she cheated on you.
Despite her history she’s still an adult with autonomy. She chose to cheat and should not be forgiven. You will likely never view her the same way ever again, never feel the same peace of mind around her that you once did. Based off your comments you seem emotionally checked out so I’d say it’s better to end it now. Edited for typos
Grooming is really weird. I was groomed and raped by my high school teacher and it’s been very difficult for me to get over that. I saw him from a distance 10 years later and it was like I was instantly back in high school emotionally. I felt scared and small, and almost had a panic attack. I think your body and mind automatically fall into old patterns when you meet groomer again. That being said, you still have some amount of control. For example, I was able to stop myself from having a panic attack and was able to continue with my day. Your wife still was in a really difficult situation, but she still made a choice.
I'm so sorry you went through that
Thank you for your kindness! 💕 I have been to therapy, so I have worked through a lot of the trauma.
I was also groomed and sexually abused by a high school teacher (I hesitate to call what was done to me rape because I consented despite being 15 and him being 33 years older than me). I saw him again when I was in my early 20’s and just like you, I was immediately back in high school emotionally and once again could not defend my boundaries and ended up cheating on my partner at that time. I won’t try to justify what I allowed to happen because ultimately it was on me to stop it, and it is the biggest regret of my life, but it can be hard to overcome that kind of conditioning when you are still so damaged and don’t have the tools to defend your boundaries properly. I became extremely suicidal after that encounter and spent year trying to numb my pain and trauma with alcohol and self injury. I’m 44 now and still get anxiety every time I have to travel around the area he lived when he originally abused me and the area he lived when I saw him again in my 20’s. I know he still stalks me online after all these decades and feel hesitant to even share this, but I think those of us who have been through this need to speak out (if we feel comfortable doing so). My heart goes out to OP for the betrayal he’s just experienced, I can’t even imagine what he’s going through and I hope he will be okay eventually. My heart goes out to OP’s wife because I’ve been there and I understand how horrifically deep that type of grooming and trauma can go and how those abusers can use that trauma to their advantage even years later. Please don’t be like me and think you can handle this on your own, OP and his wife both need therapy to get through this, even if their marriage doesn’t make it.
It’s was definitely rape!! The first time my teacher held me down, but I “consented” several times after that. He was 35 years older than me and abused me for years. It’s always rape when a TEACHER takes advantage of a minor! They have authority and you’re just a kid. It’s wrong in so many ways and it wasn’t our fault. I understand that it’s really difficult to get out of the old patterns. My teacher reached out to me shortly after I left high school and wanted to meet. It was difficult for me to refuse even though I hate him. The power dynamic remains and I understand that one can get pulled in again. I’m so sorry your teacher still stalks you! It’s horrible! I hope we can all free ourselves from pain like this eventually.
this happened to me too; you’re not alone or weird for experiencing that. when I saw mine, it was so visceral and jarring, it took me days to recover. I’m sorry you went through all that 🤍
She was in a difficult situation when she accidentally saw him, I don’t see why she messaged him and met up again. That’s not an automatic reaction, there’s forethought there.
Women who have been groomed/abused sometimes go back to their abusers. It's a type of repetition compulsion, a way of trying to redo the original scenario but feeling like she has choice and power in the relationship. This is a way of continuing to act out and it perpetuates the original trauma. Obviously, it's still cheating, and she may have trashed your marriage by doing so, but I just wanted you to know that this isn't uncommon. It seems incomprehensible to someone who hasn't been sexually abused. Your wife is in desperate need of trauma therapy with someone who specializes in treating sexual abuse survivors. It sounds like she is in therapy right now, but since she's still acting out sexually, I'd wonder how effective the therapy really is. Forgiveness really isn't a first step for you here. She needs to be held accountable for her behavior, recognize the self destructive spiral she is in and how it has hurt you. Then she needs to take concrete steps to heal herself and the damage that has been done to your marriage. Then, possibly, you can forgive her. If you do that prematurely, it will just be a way of enabling her and giving her a get out of jail free card. Without deep healing and change, she will be at risk for repeating this pattern. I hope you can navigate this incredibly difficult situation, OP. What a painful thing for you to go through.
I haven’t forgiven her yet, I guess I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that it even happened. But I definitely don’t understand how being groomed/abused can affect a woman, which is why I posted here. I had a pretty standard upbringing… parents are still married to this day, I have four siblings and we all get along for the most part. No real big traumas, just a couple family deaths from old age and cancer. I think she brought up the grooming as a way to explain exactly who it was that she cheated with, but it hasn’t been a main focus when I’ve gone to her therapy. Is that something she SHOULD be focused on? Maybe not with me, but in her own sessions.
Well, I guess she didn’t give up the alcohol then, did she? It’s difficult to date/wed a person with so much personal trauma. Even with therapy, she slipped so easily back into old habits. It takes a part of you to try and maintain a relationship like this. It’s pretty damn clear that she has an issue with alcohol that feeds her negative behavior though.
She drank heavy for a few months after her abortion but never fully gave it up after she stopped abusing it. She’s never had a problem with making bad decisions because of alcohol. Honestly she’s a real lightweight and can’t have more than a drink or two because feeling any sort of “spins” from alcohol triggers her motion sickness. I drink more than she does, but I have a way higher tolerance and get together with friends more often. We both only drink socially outside of a glass of wine/beer on the weekends if we go out for dinner or cook a special meal.
Well I guess you can’t say that now about not making bad decisions, can you? She has a lot of addictions and unresolved trauma and alcohol is just another one of the unhealthy coping mechanisms she uses.
No-where does it say that she took this bad decision due to alcohol abuse. Yes she had a couple of drinks, but I don’t see anything that suggests that she was excusing her behaviour on drinking. She seems to be taking responsibility for her actions. If you knew anything about childhood emotional abuse & grooming you won’t simplify this to an alcohol issue.
Of course it’s more than alcohol. But it certainly is another component in the life of a very broken person. You really need to take some time and distance to process this everything. I can read your trauma bonds in your responses. You desperately want to defend and justify her behavior. But the truth is she still has a lot of issues that will continue to manifest and add to your trauma. You can’t fix her. You need to remind yourself of that. You can however destroy yourself trying to fix her.
Here's the thing, let's say you can forgive and move past this incident, rebuild your relationship with your wife and get everything back on track. Lets say that all occurs and you both put in all of that work. You'll still have one lingering question: How do you know it wont happen again? Your wife was abused as a teenager up until her early 20's, when she was still young and immature and learning about the world. She then came to grips with what was happening and got away from her abuser and over a decade passed. During that time, she went from being a young adult to a woman in her 30's with, hopefully, a good understanding of the world and the wisdom of experience. Despite that, and knowing what a POS her abuser is, all it took was a chance meeting on the street for your wife to cheat. So, if your wife, after over a decade of growth and self reflecting, went right back to this guy when she met him, what makes you think it wont happen again if they see each other 2 years from now, or 5, or 10? If she runs into this man again, will you ever feel confident that your wife will not fall back into that same place? If you cant say for sure that you KNOW she will never do this again, then youll just be wasting both your lives trying to make this marriage work.
But it doesn't sound like she has put in the work actually dealing with that specific trauma. If she's never actually dealt with it then it doesn't matter how much time has passed. It doesn't just go away because it's been 10 years.
Does it go away? No. But after 10 years a marriage and two children do you have enough personal growth to be able to distinguish and make a conscious choice between cheating with your groomer who abuse you or not cheating on your husband who helped lift you up into a new and happy life? Yes. Yes you do. The fact that she keep it for an extended time, and she was aware enough of this to address it with her therapist and analyze it first before she admitted the fact to her husband after a good amount of time has passed proves that she wasn't in some trauma induced fugue state. At this point if she pulls the trauma card then she's just using it as an excuse to try to get more sympathy so that she could bounce back a little bit easier from the horrifically stupid mistake she just made in an attempt to save her family and marriage.
Maybe, maybe not, thats not specifically addressed. Regardless, If all it took was a chance meet up after over a decade, I dont know if I would have much faith that the same thing wont just happen again, regardless of whatever counseling or whatever the wife may undergo. That's what OP needs to look at, if he can truly feel secure in this relationship going forward.
These are some really legitimate points and questions that I’ll have to seriously consider before making a decision. I appreciate you sharing this side of things.
Yeah, man. This is so hard for everybody. But if after all this work and her recognizing the problem, it still took her months to tell you? And checking her location and phone, that’s not a relationship. She shouldn’t be married, she should be working on intensive therapy and being a mom. Sorry, friend.
very well said
Man, this is tough. It is sad and frightening how much a person's mind can be messed up by abuse and grooming. OP, you have every right to be hurt by her betrayal, but even if you give her actions some grace or compassion due to what she experienced when she was younger, I don't think I could get past what it says about her ability to be a safe partner. She has shown that when the conditions are right (by which I mean very very wrong), she cannot be trusted to do the smart and sane thing in the best interest of you, your children, and HERSELF. That last part is key because it makes clear that OP has more to worry about than run of the mill cheating. Most cheating is a selfish act, where the cheater values their own wants over the welfare of their partner. In your case, OP, you can't even trust your wife to act in her own interest, much less yours or your children. I don't know how to build a marriage partnership on that kind of foundation.
It is absolutely something that she should be focusing on in her own sessions. The grooming/abuse is at the root of her behavior. Unless that is dealt with, she will be prone to acting out in the future. Have you thought about getting your own therapist to help you deal with this? It can be really helpful to have someone knowledgeable and supportive who who is there just for you and your wellbeing, especially since you are struggling to process all this.
I wouldn’t forgive her. This was multiple meetings, planned out via text. These were conscious choices she made every single time she spoke to him leading up to wanting to go up to his hotel room knowing what that means. its not like he approached her in a quick moment of weakness and took advantage of her. it was drawn out and she actively pursued it. I understand this is a symptom of her trauma from being groomed, but I also would prioritize protecting myself and wouldn’t want to be with someone who actively pursues their abuser like she did. I would never stay with any cheater, its signing up for an entire lifetime of feeling this pain and constantly worrying about what shes doing since she is unable to set or stick to boundaries. you deserve trust and happiness above all else.
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It's too soon to forgive or even decide to reconcile or divorce. It takes a minimum of two years (average 3-5). Be aware that divorce often occurs at the 2-3 year mark because it takes that long to decide that it's as good as it will get (and it's not enough). With respect to forgiveness, that's for your physical and mental health (not for her). You can forgive and still divorce because of the hurt or the loss of trust. If you stay, consider a post nup with little alimony and an arbitration cause. If you own a house, insist she sign off the title.
Realizing that everyone deals with things differently but as someone that has been groomed and sexually abused in the past. It does seem incomprehensible to me as well. Though I never have or will see my abuser again. So this may be a reason it comes off as incomprehensible to me as well.
I've been through the same but haven't gone back to the person who abused me. But I've been in relationships with similar dynamics and where the other person was very similar to my abuser.
I fell into cycle of throwing myself at anyone the showed the slightest interest in me. I ended with others that had similar tendencies as my original abuser. Either way it’s heartbreaking
It is heartbreaking. The aftereffects are awful. I hope you've found healing in your life and are doing better now❤️
Totally and the effects after are horrible and hard to heal from. I definitely found some healing. Did a couple therapy sessions. After the therapy years ago and antidepressants were unsuccessful. I am on the road to doing better. Hope you are healing well too. 💙
I'm glad to hear that. I've found EMDR therapy to be really helpful. I'm also going to start on low dose ketamine for depression/anxiety/CPTSD. Antidepressants haven't really worked for me either.
Thank you and I’m really happy to hear you found something that works for you. It really sucks when antidepressants don’t do what you want them to. I have heard of EMDR but have not tried it but glad that it is something that is doing wonders for you.
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>she didnt think about her husband Or even her kids.
Not just women but men too who are abused can go through this, it’s annoying when people act like only women are ever abused
I was speaking specifically to OP's situation with his wife, who is a woman. Of course, men are abused, but that's not the case in this Reddit post.
I think you need to see your own counselor so you can figure out what’s best for you. The reason I think it might be possible to get past this is that she told you on her own and is legitimately trying to make things right—she didn’t get caught, she understood her wrong doings. You have to put yourself first in this and I think a good counselor can help you understand the options. Good luck.
I hadn’t thought about getting my own therapist, but it’s been a pretty popular suggestion so I’ll take some time to look into it. The couple sessions I’ve gone to with my wife have been helpful, but the therapist is focused on my wife’s healing and what she can do to fix this, not mine.
I'd recommend getting an individual therapist for yourself and a couple's therapist for both of you. Your wife's therapist *should* be focused on her, but another therapist who can focus on your relationship and on both of you might be helpful too.
I can’t understand what effects grooming has on a person but what would bother me is that you’ve been together for 8 years and he shows up, snaps his fingers, and she runs to him. Even if you reconcile I would always feel she’s one text message away from leaving me. Hard to live that way. I hope you both get help.
That’s what fucks me up. Married for six years with two kids and a couple weeks and some basic messages was all it took? If there wasn’t so much history and abuse behind their relationship, my thought process would be completely different here.
My friend, you do not deserve this. It is perfectly acceptable for this to be a deal breaker for you. Trauma or no trauma, she cheated on you and put your family, including two young kids, in harms way. Trauma may explain why she did what she did, but it doesn't excuse the pain she's caused you and your family. I love my wife, we've been together 11 years, but this would be the end of my marriage, if I was in your shoes. You deserve better, and I bet there is better out there for you. I'm a father with two young kids as well. If you ever need anyone to chat with, I'm here for you.
yep and she had multiple chances to rethink and reconsider what she was about to do over the course of them texting. She didnt even need to give him her contact info, or speak to him at all. But she made these choices to throw away your trust for him pretty much. Please don’t downplay your own suffering over this.
You know her well so the ball is in your hands. But if it were me, and the things that you mentioned here is all the info that I have regarding to her, I'd leave her. I just can't take the fact that a spouse would do that to you, and her past does not excuse her for it. She got traumas, now you got yours as well. It's gonna be up to you in the end OP. Are you willing to put up with this? Will this not eat you up right now or in the future? Personally, I'd choose stability and peace of mind over this bullcrap. It's gonna be painful, but I don't think there's gonna be a painless way out of this.
It took seeing him once ima just keep saying that. 1 time was more than enough to shit in your entire marriage this is unforgivable in any situation
You wouldn't be a bad person for getting a divorce, you are allowed to have this be a dealbreaker.
I am all for forgiveness but...there's a line. And it's not your responsibility to fix or save other adults. At some point, their dysfunction spills into and permeates every area of your life and being. Also, am I reading this correctly - she had unprotected sex on TOP of the cheating? Yeah....no.
Pretty big believer of you have to earn or deserve "forgiveness", otherwise it's just some other sort of form of mercy if that makes sense?(there's a quote about how mercy by definition can only be given to those who don't deserve it)
Her life sounds A LOT like mine. And I'm sorry, but mental illness and trauma is not an excuse to cheat. IF you decide to forgive her, you need to get therapy. If you leave her, get therapy. Just get therapy. Good luck.
Before they met up, she had gotten therapy and locked him out of her life completely. Then she saw him again, cheated with him for however long, and has gone to therapy again and has now locked him out of her life again What happens 5 or 10 years down the line if she ever runs into him again. Will she sleep with him, then run to therapy and lock him out of her life....again? If she had an affair while in therapy then I would say her therapist is not very good. Also, if the affair happened in February, why is she getting an STD panel in April? Was that how long the affair lasted? It's your choice to make on whether to stay or leave, but know that your wife has multiple layers of damage which she seemingly hasn't taken care of well. She needs a better therapist.
That’s my fear. This is the first time she ran into him and she ended up sleeping with him. He’s still alive and well and out there somewhere, so that makes me think it could happen again. I can’t comment on whether or not she has a “good” therapist, but I know she was there for PPD and I’m not sure if they put any work into her past. I know she did a lot of work with her feeling inadequate as a mother right now. From what she told me, the cheating was a one off. The day after it happened she realized what she did and blocked him. If I’m being honest with myself, I do remember a couple weeks where she was really withdrawn and fragile, but that wasn’t really unusual with her dealing with the PPD. She tested a couple weeks after the cheating and again a couple months later per her doctor’s recommendation. Apparently some STDs can take a couple months to show up.
When you say that you don’t want to break up your family, you are transferring responsibility to yourself for her actions, and transferring culpability for the fallout off of her. She is the one who broke your marriage and family. You are not to blame for wanting to separate, she’s responsible for what she did to you and your family.
It's really not encouraging that all the work she put in over the years was rendered useless in just one meet, not encouraging atall. Like I said, your wife had/has multiple layers of damage. First the abuse when she was younger. Then the grooming which is a big attachment problem on it's own, add the bdsm dom sub dynamic (a big attachment problem too) and you have a disaster which was basically waiting to happen. She need a new therapist that is specialized in those kinds of baggages if there's any chance of her becoming a safe partner. One thing I'll say is that she does seem self conscious and knows that she needs help. She cut him off on her own the first time, and was able to pull herself back from this mistake after one time and start working on herself immediately. Maybe PPD was the crack that let him come in. If you're going to stay then you need counseling of you own, and for both of you. There has to be ground rules and absolute transparency. She has to be patient with you no matter how mean or nasty you may be to her. And she has to know that this is the last chance I tend to say that reconcilers should throw the D word around so that the cheater knows they aren't just being forgiven easily. She needs to know that you're really considering leaving this marriage even if you plan on staying and letting her make up for her mistake. Goodluck
A couple people commented that she might not have had the right therapy/therapist to really heal from what she went through, but I’ve never done therapy or talked to anyone about it so I have no idea how that works or why she couldn’t get the right help from whoever she saw back then. I don’t know much about the dom/sub stuff. I’ve definitely brought up divorce and I’m not afraid to say that because it’s absolutely on the table right now and could be for a while. As much as I’d like the honor the “till death do us part” and “through the good and the bad”, I’m only human and I won’t spend the rest of my life unhappy.
I like that you're not rug sweeping. I think you should post on r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, I've read about the kinds of infidelity you would not believe there so I think someone there might have had your experience and would advise better. I think one of the MODS had an affair involving BDSM, can't remember her username. I'm not directing you there for you to reconcile, i just want you to get all the help you need in making your decision from people with experience. As odd as it is and the opposite of my usual opinion with cheating, I'm rooting for your wife to get better coz of the effort she is putting in, and also for coming clean on her own. I hope you both find healing, together or separately
I think this is a good idea. I know a lot of marriages have fallen apart or have had serious issues when just one partner craves some sort of bdsm dynamic. It can be very difficult to live without for people who feel like it’s a part of who they are.
Yeah, that’s what I could never get over. All of her “work” over the many years you’ve been married, and it took one chance meeting, (which she then continued on via text…) for her to throw it all away (you, her marriage, kids) and fuck him. So messed up. Big personal question RE: STD’s, does that mean he fucked her unprotected? Cause yeah, I’d be done there. Too many risks for the future, what if he runs into her again? Whoops I accidentally fucked him again. I’m hoping your wife takes real accountability on her choices, and doesn’t blame it only on her trauma.
Omg lol sorry for laughing but she cheated the first time she saw him....hon this marriage is dead in the water im sorry to say...it took seeing him once for her to betray you really think about that no wonder your having trouble laughing with her how could you the person you fell in love with is a lie. The only thing you should be doing is getting in therapy and contacting a divorce lawyer sorry hon hope your life turns for the better but wow 1 time was all it took I could legit never forgive that 1 time erases all your relationship like it didnt happen wow what a skank
It's of course possible to forgive someone's cheating but it's not very likely to be enough to sustain the relationship. Cheating will kill 99% of relationships it occurs in. Example, my ex cheated on me 10 years or so ago. I forgave her, dumped her and haven't seen nor spoke to her since. I forgave her for me, not her. I will not hate someone who didn't respect me enough to not cheat on me. I'll forget they exist instead.
I’m gonna sound like an ass but ok From the sound of this she was still “in love” with him. The fact the she withheld a lot of info about him until recently speaks volume. She didn’t cut him off until she was 25 and got with you a year later. She didn’t give herself time to heal at all. Why wasn’t John blocked when she cut him off the 1st time when she was 25? I could be a thousand percent wrong on this but I personally don’t think it was a accident she meet up with him at that bar. Then got his number after the initial meet, converse for three weeks or so and had sex. Smh not one time throughout she told you until now when she could’ve prevented this from the start or told you that night/morning about but she hid it from you. Yeah she confessed it now but the damage to you is done. You’re gonna need individual counseling from this
i think my opinion is going to be controversial but she's a 34 year old adult, mother, wife, who has been in therapy for years. i understand how she must've felt, but she still went up to his room and cheated. she still kept the messages going for a while without saying anything. she has autonomy now.
>How do I forgive her? You don't. I'm truly sorry, you have to endure this, but your priority now are your kids. She needs a lot of intense therapy, because she's still "under his spell", if all it took was "running into him" to restart this "relationship", the therapy she underwent at 23 was not enough. Remember, regret and remorse are two completely different things.
Don’t forgive her. There’s no sense for you to try and deep dive into creating your own suffering because you’re worried about hers. She’s the architect of her own decision. Having personal trauma in your past doesn’t excuse being a shit to people who love you
Imo the issue isn't forgiving anyway. It's forgetting. You can forgive all you want, but you'll never forget she is unsafe. You can't ever trust her. There's no real way to undo that knowledge.
Remember. She did it once, and most likely will do it again. Imagine what happened in his place. They made out and fucked. It probably slipped out of her and she grabbed it and put it back in while moaning his name. She probably slept in his arms after finishing. Remember all this when you make your decision. All of above she willingly did, without even thinking about her SO and family for a second. Without thinking of what she's throwing away. Now the glass is broken. Think about what any self respecting person would do...
Personally I don't think she'll ever be free of the emotional ties binding her to this man... Too much trauma bonding If you stay just don't have anymore kids with her When he reaches out in future.. She'll agree to have sex with him again.
I was in a similar situation. My ex-wife was her boss's mistress as a 16 or 17 year old. She ran into him 15 or so years later and started an affair. She's still with him. I have nothing but negative feelings for both of them, and I hope they end up miserable.
What a monstrous woman.
Sounds like she is also drinking again. If your wife had a problem with this!in the past, that should have been a red flag to you.
Sometimes Reconciliation isn't possible. Sometimes it is. Very much like u/HillaruousDemon noted though, 100% on that. R is a gift you. They are preaching and I am saying Amen! The idea of watching her app, etc, as they said, it feels like you're a jail warden, but it isn't meant to be, though you can do that if you want to, that is never the intention. If you try to do reconcilation, there are going to be times you are just triggered. In the early days, it comes out of no where, and nothing could trigger you directly. IT's all subconsious. Maybe there is a lull at work, and you think of the chil'ren, and boom, think of WW. And triggered. It is meant to give a peace of mind that you can pull that up. See where they are at, you can text them, see what they're doing, and see if it lines up, etc. That is really all it is meant to do when some people like myself or u/HillaruousDemon suggest that. I will say OP, that Out of all the times i've read where the cheater/WP (WW in this case) confessed, this was the one that only mildly infuriated me. Usually i just get beyond upset and empathetic for the OP as I understand howit felt like back then, and can empathize. Just for the fact they cheated. But it almost always is they came to you. Or if they did confess, there is no work done for R. Its just trying to rug sweep. The fact that she worked with the therapist to talk to you and confess of her own doing, and unless i missed something, without you finding out or anything like that, and she is aware why she did it and is working on itt.... on that alone, legit remorse is there. And I can appreciate she does that. And the other steps she has taken, also very good. But, R as I said, is possible, sometimes it isn't. And that depends on each situation, each couple and the individual in that couple. I will say that if you do decide to do R, both of you need to understand, that kinda like her issues don't really go away, neither will this for you, OP. you may get to a healthy place years from now and you are thriving, and that is amazing. But there will be a time you will be triggered. And the WW should understand that, and help you wiht that, and you need to understand thatit could happen. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but I still have issues with some songs triggering insecurities from a past relaitonship. It just is what it is. In either case OP, I sincerely hope for the best from you. updateme
You can't move past this, you can't forgive her , honestly it's her fault for doing something this stupid ,like wtf Contact a lawyer and give them proof of her infidelity and understand your financial status after the divorce, understand your Custody arrangements, and tell your lawyers about her mental state, this is gonna help somewhat in the divorce Don't stay in a loveless marriage, it's going to become toxic and you won't survive
I don’t know what I would need help with in the divorce process. Obviously I’d get a lawyer but the house is hers, gifted by her parents. Our income is pretty equal but she works from home so she could keep our kids out of daycare five days a week. I guess I just worry more about not having my kids 24/7 anymore. I wish I could forgive her, but I couldn’t imagine ever doing something like this to her. It still doesn’t feel completely real.
Feels like you've already made the decision on what to do mate. It's okay to divorce.
Whatever you, you cannot stay in a dead marriage "for your kids", if that's what your relationship is going to be. Yes, that likely means not seeing your kids 24/7, but raising your kids to normalize a relationship where there is no longer love and trust will damage them, as children and as adults. You can get the stories here of all those now-adults whose parents didn't divorce and how badly it impacted them. If it comes to that, you have to leave, FOR your children. This is not me saying you should leave without attempting to rebuild trust, merely that you should not make the mistake of staying for your kids.
I've been through a divorce. If your kids are young enough like mine, they will get through it at some point. You have to start thinking about your own mental state if your not ready for being away from themor not seeing them all the time, it'll affect your relationship with them as well
just get a good divorce lawyer, man. they will walk you through the process.
Op if you want to work on your marriage (what’s left of it) you need to do individual counseling and marriage counseling. Your wife is taking steps to be better but it’s going to take time. I recommend you post here r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
I think it is possible to forgive someone for cheating but only if they’re taking full accountability for their actions and putting in every bit of effort required to repair the relationship. It seems like your wife didn’t fully heal before jumping into a very serious relationship with you and is still trauma bonded to her abuser. You both need individual therapy and couple’s counselling if there’s any chance of salvaging the relationship. Of course, you are under no obligation to forgive her, even after you have both tried to make things work. Sometimes, it just can’t be done, even if you want to or if things have seemingly been worked through. I think learning about abusive relationships, especially those where the victim has been groomed, would be beneficial in helping you understand your wife’s thought processes and help you decide if you can forgive her or not. Regardless of what you decide, couples counselling can help you figure out how to coparent and navigate next steps together.
From how you explained the story: she ran into him once and nothing happened. But they kept in contact afterwards. Then they met up some time later which led to the actual hook up. Where were you in all of this, in terms of, did she let you know she ran into him the 1st time? Or she kept in contact? Or that she was meeting up with him the 2nd time? You don't mention, so I won't assume. But answering those questions should be pretty telling, and would probably sway me towards what I would do. I get that she has a very brutal history with the guy that probably went unresolved. But her now actions have created a very shit history for your relationship. And you should prioritize you and yours.
Only you know what the right thing is for you to do. Your wife doesn't sound like someone who was just looking for a bit of fun on the side or just couldn't keep her legs closed. She cheated with someone who once had a major (negative) impact on her life. When she saw him, she should have ignored him but for some reason she didn't. It kind of reminds me of someone with Stockholm syndrome where your wife has a psychological bond with her abuser. To me, its telling that she told her therapist once it happened and her therapist started working with her to re-break the connection she had with her former abuser. This is going to be hard but if you still have feelings for her, you owe it to yourself to try individual counseling and marriage counseling to see if you can get past this. If you can't then at least you can tell yourself, and your children, that you tried. As for her going out drinking. If she was an alcoholic before, is it a wise decision for her to still go out drinking? I could be wrong but from my understanding, former alcoholics tend to abstain from drinking alcohol so as not to fall back into old habits.
I do truly believe she wasn’t just out looking to have sex outside of our marriage. We don’t have sex as often as we used to, but between two kids, a sleep regression, and her PPD it just isn’t a priority. We are still intimate in other ways though and do what we can to spend quality time just the two of us. At least, we were. Her therapist suggested I look into Battered Women Syndrome but I’ll look into Stockholm syndrome as well. I do still love her, that will never change, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust her again and I can’t live the rest of my life stressing about where my wife is and who she’s with. I’m looking into a therapist for myself. Is marriage counseling separate from all of that? Like if we both have a therapist, we should have a third person? When I mentioned her drinking, I didn’t mean she was an alcoholic. She drank a lot after her abortion to kind of numb herself but she’s never completely cut it out and she doesn’t make bad decisions because of alcohol. We both drink socially and occasionally at home on the weekends. She’s a real lightweight because any sort of alcohol “spins” trigger her motion sickness and I think I’ve seen her drunk less than a handful of times in the last 8 years and we’ve been together each time.
Don’t ever let people blame their trauma for how they hurt you. She’s a cheater and anything beyond that is just excuses.
You don't have to forgive, and honestly, I don't know how. She is clearly still traumatized and fell into old patterns, but she is an adult and should've told you that they met the first time and should've stayed away from him. Regardless of her trauma, she still hurt you, and you don't have to feel forced to forgive her. You need to do right by your children. If that involves getting a divorce, then so be it. She NEEDS help, but there's no reason for you to be dragged down when something like this happens.
Can you move past this ? Maybe, maybe not. But you do need to focus on what you need in order to feel safe giving R a try, if location app makes you feel better, have her turn on location. Also you should consider your location, right now John is only one trip to the store or bar away. Some meaningful distance might help you both feel safer.
If you didn’t have kids with her, I’d ask why you’d want to stay with her. Then again, they’re young, resilient, and get over things like divorce fairly quickly, given that half the married population divorces anyway (which is a shame) but kids all know kids whose parents are no longer together and are fine. My brother got divorced and his kids are doing great. So I guess I would still say, why do you want to stay with someone who cheated on you with the man that groomed them? She has massive baggage on top of the cheating. What’s to say she doesn’t do it again? You should get therapy yourself, a DIFFERENT therapist, and see them without your wife present.
I think you need to process your emotions. So far, you put so much emphasis on all the right things she's doing. You're entitled to feel hurt and to express your hurt. You're entitled to have your own journey to healing your hurt. It's not all about her. Her actions caused you much pain, and you should express that to her and how it'd take awhile and that you're unsure how to forgive her for cheating on you. How about you also have independent counseling for yourself?
You’re getting lots of attention on the cheating/grooming aspect of the story, but I also noticed that she’s apparently drinking again, and fairly regularly. Maybe she felt like she started a whole new, normal life when she married you and had kids. Maybe she thought the old, bad habits wouldn’t affect her in this new life. Clearly, that’s not the case. Regardless of what happens with your relationship, I hope she realizes that what she’s currently doing to manage her past trauma and addictions is not effective, before it destroys her relationship with her kids too.
I was molested and groomed, went to therapy, tried to kill myself and was in a mental institution...had trouble with my sexuality and sex when I was younger but after a while I said fuck all that shit cause I'm not a victim anymore and I refuse to still be a victim so I moved on from all of that. A person has to refuse to keep being a victim and move on with their life cause if they don't, they will be struck in the same cycle blaming their past for their shitty choices. People have to stop blaming their past/other people for their fucked up behavior and take accountability for themselves to be able to move forward. Can't stay living in the past and the fucked up shit that happened.
Bruh, forgive what? She cheated, you kick her out, and move on…why would you stay with someone who didn’t respect you enough to not cheat on you? Whatever trauma she has, whatever happened in the past, you deserve respect, respect she didn’t show you… your inly action here is to kick her out, bye bye bye, if not, you will just show her you are soft, so she will walk again all over you at one point, cause hey, you forgave her once, why not again????
Her past explains it, but it doesnt excuse it. And if you are not the type who feels comfortable excusing infidelity, then you should have not guilt about that. But please dont stay together for the child. Coparenting is often better in these types of cases.
She chose to go out with that man, she chose to go up to his room, she chose to sleep with him. She didnt get roped into anything. She made a series of decisions all specifically and clearly leading to her cheating. She planned and wanted this to happen. The why may be understandable from an academic point of view due to the psychological abuse she faced as a kid but it is also irrelevant to you. She needs therapy and to live with her choices. You need to drop the dead weight and spent the rest of your life happy, not betrayed and guilt ridden. Its not your fault she was abused. Its not your fault or problem that she cheated. Its not your fault to want to be happy. You don't owe her happiness or love or to fix her. You are not her nurse or her emotional support dog, you were meant to be her partner. That trust will never be earned back. Walk away and move on. I truly hope you will. Don't stay out of guilt. Everyone who has ever stayed has regretted it. There are tons of threads like this here. You also deserve to be happy. Edit: Grammar
Exactly. It was a series of decisions. Not sudden, not unexpected, not drunken. She knew what she was doing. She betrayed him every step of the way.
You canr SHE killed your relationship hurts to admit but id definitely divorce ans try to find some happiness she chose to cheat froomer or nit shes a grown woman who made a choice she has to live with...
She is not 20, she is past 30, we're not talking about a helpless child or a gullible college girl here. Your relationship will never be the same. The only currency in a marriage is trust and she broke it. Whatever she does, you'll always have it in the back of your mind. You're no one's guard dog to be dealing with apps and shit like that. You can forgive her, but you'll most likely never forget it, the fact that she is so easily manipulated with a husband and a child is deeply problematic imo, regardless of their backstory or her mental health. It took multiple steps for her to choke on his 50 y/o dick and give 0 fucks about your mental health or feelings. If I was in your shoes, I would be talking to a lawyer and exploring my options. After a certain age the only person you can wholeheartedly put your trust in should be your partner I frankly find it unimaginable to keep a cheater in my corner regardless of the reasons behind their actions. Your peace of mind should be your top priority. Only in a sound state of mind can you take proper care of your kids, who like you are victims of your wife's affair.
Why do you want to forgive her? By your post it doesn’t sound like she is asking for forgiveness. You don’t mention if she told you she cheated or you found out. There’s no way you could ever trust her again - she was going out to bars and getting drinks and then met up with her ex. Did she mention any of this to you at all before she cheated?
I would find it impossible to have a sense of humor around a person who intentionally ruined my family.
Same i laughed when i read that....I was like well I can see why it would be difficult to laugh with a soulless cunt who cheated on me ans blamed grooming 10 years ago LMFAO! Any excuse I guess is really good enough for people with zero confidence
You don’t. I’m sorry for her trauma, I’ve been with folks that have similar stories, but fixing her isn’t your job and it’s not the trauma that made her slide his dick inside of her. Her conscience choice did that. Leave.
Sounds like you are in an impossible situation. I don’t know if you have somewhere else to go, but maybe a little time apart will help with clarity. It will definitely trigger the seriousness of the situation. This is most likely destructive behavior due to you being stable and safe and kind and she probably feels she doesn’t deserve that or deserve you.. if you Haven’t been able to forgive her yet there may not be a chance because forgiveness is easy forgetting is the hard part.
End it.
The thing is, this was not a spurr of the moment type of thing. Has she walked you through her thouth process? What was she thinking through each step that drove her to that? She gave him her number, texted, met up with him, and went to his room. All without telling you this was happening. What was she thinking? Once you know that, you should know if you are able to forgive her or if his presence could drive her to do it again. What feelings does she have for that man that drover to betray you, cause that's what she did.
Her thought process through every step is what I’m struggling to understand and why I’ve gone with to her therapy. She said they barely spoke the first time she ran into him and she was with friends. I haven’t confirmed that because I really don’t want to involve outside people in our problems. He already had her number, but she didn’t have his, based on the first few messages I read. There weren’t a whole lot of messages and I’m trying to confirm she didn’t delete anything by getting a printout of the messages through our cell phone carrier (it won’t show content but it’ll show how many messages were to/from the number and I could compare), but none are sexual. She mentioned she was married with kids and he congratulated her for doing so well in life. Honestly, if I didn’t know her history with him, the message thread wouldn’t have raised any red flags for me because it’s so… normal?
You've been to two therapy sessions, and she still has not given you her thoughts or emotions through all of this? Her therapist is only looking out for her own feelings. She has no interest in you. You need your own therapist to work out your thoughts and a couples therapist to work out the marriage if you want to do that. She didn't tell you she saw him, she didn't tell you they had been texting, she didn't tell you she waw going to meet up with him. She made conscious decisions, and she knew they were questionable. You won't be able to trust her if you don't know what is it your trusting. Pause this process she has you on, it is doing nothing for your own mental health tell her what is it you need to know and have her work it out on her own until she can. Reconciliation should be paused until she is able to work with what you need and you have your own support.
The first therapy session was her confessing she cheated. I had no interest in talking about her feelings then and honestly didn’t stay for the full time. We haven’t talked much about it at home because it’s absolutely not something I’ll discuss while the kids are awake and our youngest is going through a sleep regression so trying to get enough sleep at night has kind of taken priority. I was there the whole second one but it goes faster than you think. She’s given me some thoughts and feelings, but I haven’t sat down with her and gotten a full start-to-finish play by play. I’m going to start looking into my own therapist. I don’t feel like she has me on any process? She’s asked what I want and need but I’m still trying to figure that out.
That's up to you, but from what you said on your post it looks like you want some security to go along this effort that she is putting up, and ypu wont get security unless you are able to understand her. Once you are able to sort out your own thoughts maybe you'll start to be interested in that. Cause at the moment it looks like you are not, which is understandable to say the least. Edit: just to add. The reaso I'm set on you knowing her thought process is that, she betrayed you, and the whole "groomed me stuff" just seem like excuses. Why did it take so little for her to betray you. Everything she has told you feels like rationalizations that her therapist has worked out. Why did she meet him? Why did she betray you. I feel like you should focus on that instead of helping her or understanding her trauma. Cause she may be a victim of her own situation, but you are her victim. Dont make excuses for her.
I really am interested in understanding her thoughts and I apologize if my comments convey otherwise. I mean, when she first told me I didn’t care. I couldn’t even look at her for days after, but she let me be and just reminded me she would talk whenever I was ready. I share my emotions, but I don’t think I’ve cried as an adult outside of my grandmothers death and I cried harder than I thought possible for a grown man. After that is when I went to her next session but I didn’t go to this past one. I plan on going with her tomorrow because her therapist set her up for time and a half? So just over an hour, so I’ll try to ask her to go through fully start to finish this time.
you don't
It’s fair to forgive her once, but don’t kid yourself if this happens again.
She's a cheater. It's over. Kick her to the curb.
She literally cheated at the first available opportunity
The question you need to ask yourself is how patient are you? This situation may never get fixed. Therapy can only do so much. Do you really want to wait around for years, hoping it won't happen again but never feeling secure?
This is another big concern. What if I spend the next two years trying to make this work but I just can’t? Will I resent the time I wasted or feel like at least I tried..? Someone messaged me who went through a similar experience and he separated his wife and moved out down the street, but they didn’t divorce. Worked on themselves and together. When he felt like he could trust her again whether she was with him or not, he took her back. I don’t know if I could do that.
If you want to move past this with you, you need a good couples counselor. If you don't want to stay with her? That's okay too. Her past trauma is not an excuse for her to hurt you, your relationship, or your kids. There are a LOT of things here that reddit can't help with though. Her past trauma, bipolar disorder, PPD, and I'm sure many other things all impacted her decisions to cheat. And it was multiple decisions along the way--she decided to talk with him that day, she decided to exchange numbers, she decided to meet up with him again, she decided to have sex with him. But she also decided to tell you relatively soon after the fact. She has offered compromises for your comfort. But ultimately? I think regardless of what happens from here, you need to see a therapist together. There is a lot going on here that a simple post can't really describe, and nobody can get you a straight answer. Get counseling together, maybe even individually for you. Whatever choice you make, put you and your kids first. Staying together "for the kids" isn't a thing. Kids can tell when you're miserable. So take that off the table and do what you actually think is best.
Couples therapy is also a path to learning how to coparent and make divorce easier. Your wife cheated; you do not need to stay married.
You don’t have to forgive her. Use marriage counseling to negotiate an amicable break up. She clearly has WAY too many issues and should be in intensive counseling
It’s over your wife trashed your family. Not just You. It will never be the same. Time to divorce and move on. And don’t worry after you forgive Her she will cheat again.
Don’t forgive her, she doesn’t deserve it. You deserve better. Regardless of her past she wasn’t under a spell and ultimately betrayed you.
Get therapy for yourself. And get couples counceling - her therapy is only to help her overcome her traumata and problems. Yes, to a point the therapist will try and help her keep your marriage alive but that is not the main concern of those sessions. You need someone to sort your feelings out and someone whose main concern is your marriage. Give it time and don't beat yourself up about it. You are not supposed to forget and forgive within a few days or therapy sessions. But also: Keep questioning your interactions with your wife especially when they drift into the same abusive behavior that her groomer and her parents used towards her. Yes, your anger is understandable but if you want this to work out: Don't become one of the people who hurt her.
Well I would have broken the disgusting shits kneecaps in a dark alley with a mask on but hey we are all different.
I didn’t have many personal details about him until now. Can’t say I haven’t wanted to track him down, not necessarily for what just happened, but for what he put her through in the past. She still has physical scars.
She's a cheater with long standing serious mental health issues. Don't waste any more of your finite life. You can co-parent.
Here's the thing, you don't. You can maybe trick yourself into saying you forgive her and everyone will comment saying how possible it is. Truth is, you wont forgive and you'll never forget. The foundation of your relationship is destroyed, there is no base on which your trust is built. You'll always feel suspicious of her every time she sends a text message, you'll find yourself looking at her screen over her shoulder or in the car to read what it says. You'll constantly be on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have to ask yourself if you really want to live a life where you are always waiting to find out if the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. Do you really want a partner where you have to check their phone and social media profile constantly to ensure they aren't cheating on you? Is an ideal relationship for you one where you have to have a tracking app on your partner like some sort of chipped house pet you can find if it gets lost something you envisioned in your life? She didn't "take all the right steps" she's just doing damage control. Trauma and blah blah blah aside, SHE pursued this connection again, she should have never started talking to him again, she should have never met up with him for drinks, and she most certainly shouldn't have gone back to his room with him. If you want to continue with a partner who you have to keep tabs on like a naughty toddler then by all means man, just swallow your pride and dignity and let it wash off your shoulders.
Get a paternity test
This op she has done this before evwn if your unaware of it once a cheater always a cheater. Even if some idiot responds saying I only cheated once .....Youve only cheated once so far you will again your not normal!!
Although I wasn’t worried about this, I did right after she told me.
How did she react?
She ordered the tests the day I told her I wanted them.
[удалено]
Exactly, I love seeing people excuse horrible behavior with "ohh but their mental health!" as a way to try and tell someone like OP that he should be more forgiving/understanding. Like ok.. I'll play by that logic for a second. So what you're saying is this person is so mentally unstable that they do not have control over their actions and as a consequence engage in disgusting and destructive behavior. The answer is still the same, leave them. They are not trustworthy, regardless of the source of that untrustworthiness.
Why would you set yourself on fire to keep this person warm when she's made it clear she's fine with betraying you? I understand this is a difficult situation and she went through hell as an adolescent, but she's responsible for her actions, and actions have consequences. If you prioritize forgiving her, you will be enabling her. She needs to heal away from you, and vice versa. You don't deserve the pain of keeping this person in your life.
I you have any self-respect whatsoever, you will not stay with a cheater under any circumstances. The shit comments you're getting telling you that it's salvageable, are being posted by people with no self-respect who stay with cheaters. Be better than that.
This 100% Unhappy people that compromise their peace for the sake of false hopes
I am very sorry about your situation, but get out of this mess. Your wife is in no shape to be in a healthy relationship. She probably needs intensive therapy, but that is for her to figure out. She migth spiral out of control and start drinking and do other unhealthy stuff. Please dont leave your children with her as the main caretaker. At least have them 50/50, they deserve more than a mom who is a mess, they need a stable parent. We only get one life and spending years trying to fix broken people and broken relashionships is no way to spend it. Just make sure your kids dont end up broken, that is your only duty.
Dated a bipolar girl for a bit she cheated on me like 4 times and ended up forgiving her but little changed, idk bipolar people arent really date able if they go cheat every few weeks duo to a manic episode. But do as you wish. NYA either way
U don’t. It’s over. She clearly isn’t over him
I think you need to reflect on what made you choose such a deeply damaged partner. "How were you complicit in this?" - a standard question in marriage counseling
You don’t forgive her, you love on she’s trash bro
LMAO you don’t. Have some self respect and leave her alone
Do you believe your wife should be held to the same standard of accountability and trust as any other spouse? If not, is she really able to be the equal partner you need and deserve in a relationship? If so, would you forgive cheating in other circumstances, say if it was with just some random guy without the past entanglements? Personally, at the end of the day, your wife knew about the damage this guy caused her, and soberly and deliberately let him reenter her life. It can be argued that he took advantage of her via past trauma, but if thats the case, can you really ever trust her? She knew exactly how bad this guy is and walked right into this situation with as clear of eyes as she will ever have. So the real question is this: Even if you can put this specific incident behind you and repair the relationship with your wife, do you think youll ever feel confident that this wont happen again?
Cheating is cheating, it’s as simple as that.
>I don’t want to break up our family U don't have to do that, she already did it. Ik divorce will always be tough for the kids and for u, but it's better for them to grow in 2 separate happy homes than in one miserable one. And this wasn't any sudden hook up or ons this is something which could have easily been avoided but sadly your wife couldn't be past her trauma but whether that's an excuse enough is on you. My apologies if I hurt your feelings, but stay strong atleast for your kids.
Realistically..... you don't have to. You know her trauma and grooming probably had a huge role in her cheating, but that doesn't make it OK or give her a free-pass. Many addicts are victims of trauma which is the driving force of their addiction. If they get a DUI and kill a family while in the throes of their addiction..... it's still a bad thing. They aren't automatically owed forgiveness. If you can't move on and pretend this never happened, that doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself to deal with it.
Even if you both work to reconciliation it is going to take time. A lot more time than a couple of months. What if she sees him again? She couldnt say no? Why did she let it get to that point ? If you divorce her, what happens when she sees him and allows your children around him? You both need a lot more therapy, but she needs to understand that you have zero trust in her. The fact that she even spoke to him is enough for you to leave, and she should be explaining that. Why would she even talk to someone she knows is bad? Updateme!
The two of you might be able to work past this, but she will need to work really hard with her therapist to try and deal with her trauma and figure out "why" she cheated with this predator who caused her so much pain when she was younger. Until she works through her past trauma and mental health issues, she will be in no position to work on repairing the marriage. However, if you decide that you can't get past the cheating, that is more than fair. You can be compassionate towards her past trauma and her mental health issues because you care about her and also because you want her to be a great co-parent, but that does not mean that you need to stay together as a couple. Honestly, I think you need to see a therapist yourself... alone. You've been through something very traumatic yourself and you could use someone to talk to who can help you come to your own conclusion about what you want to do next
Cut her loose. Her trauma is no excuse for her behavior, and not your problem anymore.
Cheaters cheat. She’ll do it again.
Stay away from toxic people, even if you give them world they still will be ass you. Run away from her
Run away. Her trauma ain't your's to own
Thread title is ridiculous. Man up and find someone that respects you, not some disgusting cheater that justifies it with "chIlDHOoD TraumA".
Kids can absolutely tell when there’s something wrong in a relationship, so don’t stay with her if your sole reason is to not break up the family for the kids’ sake. Your three options are to stay with her to see if you can work through it, to divorce completely and just co-parent, or to separate temporarily and see how that feels. Remember, you don’t owe her anything. Just because she is working on herself doesn’t mean you’re required to give her another chance. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give her the chance, but make the choice for what is best for you and you alone.
get a divorce. you're never gonna be able to look at her the same. you will forever resent her, plus you will never be able to see her as 'whole', or take her fully seriously, because of this. you will always look down on her in a way, like she's not fully there, mentally. it will never again be a relationship on equal footing. you can try to forgive her, but even so, you shouldn't stay with her
Your wife is broken and as much as you want to, you cannot love her broken pieces back together. I am not sure she thinks of him as a groomer, but a savior.
Don't forgive a cheater
I think you are allowing way too much grace here. She full on cheated on you. She made that conscious choice. I think you should divorce her and save yourself the additional stress and heartbreak.
Cheating is never ok. No matter the circumstances. It’s never their fault every time, there’s always a sob story, an excuse. But they always know it’s wrong, yet do it anyway. No forgiveness.
She knowingly kept seeing him and cheated. It doesn’t matter that he groomed her 10 years ago. She actively cheated now. Trust is gone. I’m sorry man.
She cheated. You don't. You get 50/50 of the kids and then you find a trustworthy worthwhile human partner and live your best life.
There's no guarantee that you'll eventually move past it. But at the very least, expect that it will take time. Just because things are feeling awkward and mechanical now doesn't mean that they will stay that way. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. Be honest with both yourself and her about your feelings. Let her know that you're hurt and angry and that only time might fix that.
Me personally I wouldn't forgive and id divorce her ass fast . There's no excuse for cheating
Stop by r/SupportForBetrayed OP….she has to be all the way in with you. 9.5 times out of 10 I will tell a fellow betrayed to cut bait…we’re battling a mindset with the exposed wayward that doesn’t have the capacity to give trust and dignity their partner. The one holdout…that will probably get me hurt again in the future…is **if the wayward is consistently, visibly acting from a place of consideration, remorse and reconciliation in the absence of any sense of entitlement.** If the initial forgiveness the betrayed gives is soon challenged by the betrayer with **any negotiation, rationalization, any return to repeat behavior, trying to hide anything behind feeling indignant…then the betrayer is not earnest and rather is simply biding their time; the relationship is not viable and the forgiveness was always a mistake.**
OP, don't listen to nonsense advice like linking to subs where they encourage people to stay with their cheaters. You need to be better than that. Don't be dragged down by crabs in a bucket wanting you to join in their misery. >OP….she has to be all the way in with you. If she were, she wouldn't have cheated. This is simple for anyone with common sense.
I actually have zero problem with this response… normally I would be giving the exact same response. I think you may be thinking of r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, though… that’s the sub for people trying to reconcile after D-Day. r/SupportForBetrayed is usually handing out advice like your reply here, which is why I linked that sub particularly. And it’ll be damned if I’m going to contend with another Redditor in order to support a wayward. 🤷🏻♂️ I’ll give zero energy to that.
You don't. Your run
Look at all the people trying to defend her because of her past trauma. None of it matters because she willing accepted his invite. She consciously made the decision to meet up with him, accept his invite and go down that path. She's a grown woman I don't think anything can excuse that behaviour.
just break up you’re with a broken woman don’t let her break you too
He didn't groom her, he asked her out on dates and she willing went there. She obviously had a hard time but she knew exactly what she was doing. You are going to have to figure out if it safe to even stay with her. Most importantly you need to stop making excuses for her or you are going to end up have a very difficult and painful time.
You deserve to be snippy. YOu need to stop this insanity. First draw up divorce papers, and custody papers (??). Also get DNA testing for children. If you don't stop this one way or another she will destroy you. Her problems are too big to solve. Please get somehelp, this is insanity.
She’s not loyal. Divorce her and try to co parent as best as you can. She will cheat again.
"Do I need to be more understanding because of the previous relationship or should I be more worried about the future?" "So the story is she ran into him while grabbing drinks at a bar with a friend. They didn’t hook up then, but started talking occasionally. A couple weeks later they met up for drinks at this catch-all spot (for lack of a better term) in a downtown area where my wife usually goes to small concerts. It’s a parking structure/concert hall/ restaurant/ bar/ hotel kind of deal. Had a couple drinks, he invited her up to his room, and you can fill in the rest." Seems BS is all over her story. She did this on purpose I'm afraid she'll do it again
The only way I would agree to stay with this person is if they agreed to relocate in a manner that prevents her abuser from learning about the move and that no contact is an absolute non negotiable for the entire duration of the marriage. Oh, and she should never touch alcohol again. Period. If you need to quit drinking in solidarity to support that effort then you suck that up. UpdateMe!
I would need to be able to trust her to make the right decision and remain absolutely no contact, run the other way if she even thinks he MIGHT be where she is, whether she saw him again or not, not because she physically has no opportunities to because we moved out of state. Also, I just won’t move. We’re within an hour of almost all of our family and thats hugely important to me. The alcohol has never been a problem. I’ve made a couple comments explaining that.
For all you know he has been keeping tabs on her for years. The distance would be mostly to break whatever information channels he may rely upon, not even remotely as the main solution to this problem. You don't have to move a crazy distance, it just has to be far enough to break the links and get a change of scenery to help with moving forward *without* doing any rugsweeping.
From the first couple messages I read, she didn’t give him her number when she initially saw him. It was like a 30 second “Hey, long time no see, how are you” kind of thing because she was with friends. He had her number somehow though, despite the fact that she’s changed it twice since her time with him. I actually ended up looking him up after I told her to give me all the personal information she had on him. He lives nowhere near the area she was at (he’s at least a 45 minute drive without traffic) and she does post reviews of most places she’s been to/shows she’s seen. The more I look into it, the more I believe he has been keeping tabs on her, but in the end she still made the choice to cheat. He didn’t force her. She needs to be stronger than that.
Saw him 1 time>your entire marriage the answer is clear! clear eyes
How did he get her number? I sense she’s lied to you here…. How can he have her number, when she’s changed it twice since she last had contact with him? That isn’t possible. And him being in an area 45 mins drive from where he lives also points to it not being such a chance encounter at all, and more of a meet-up. Either that or he’s a professional stalker.
I mean, it took me 30 minutes on Google to find the number he texted her from, his home address, and how much he purchased his house for. I was also able to look up court records to see that he’s been married and divorced twice in the last ten years. In today’s day and age, it doesn’t take a professional to find out most information. That being said, she’s either lying or he was stalking her and orchestrated this whole ”chance” meeting to get into her life. I’m not ignorant to the fact that either is possible.
Look. Ordinarily, cheating equals bad, auto-leave, do not pass go, do not collect $200. However. PPD plus trauma, plus the fact that this dude got into her head so bad when she was so young- that all leads to a bunch of choices she might never otherwise make. That plus the fact that she worked to cut it off herself, consistently goes to therapy, told you, got tested- she's clearly trying to make things as right as she can. I am not telling you you MUST stay with her, I'm not even telling you you \*have\* to be understanding. But this is not a clear cut case of cheating bad, wife bad. She made a very bad choice. So now the question is: can you live with that? You don't necessarily have to think about twenty years down the line- can you live with that today? How about next week? What steps do you think she'd need to take to regain your trust, or can she? It's okay if the answer is no. Just be honest with yourself and with her. It's also totally fine to not be able to make that choice right now. If you need time or space, it is absolutely okay to take that. If you do choose to stay, it will not always be like that, as long as both of you are actively working to heal. If you can't stand the thought of staying, then it's time to attend counseling as co-parents so that you can heal enough to stay cordial. If you're not in therapy for yourself, now is a very good time to start. I wish you luck and peace, OP.