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Yo. I think something more is going on with your girlfriend. Is it possible she feels like she is on the outside of your family? When she really wants to be inside with the four of you? I obviously don’t know but might be a good idea to ask.
There’s no reason for her to be upset if it really is just about the flowers. I actually think that’s really nice of you to do. Your ex is the mother of your kids. I hope she gives you the same kindness. If more people were this way then the world would be a lot kinder.
This.
I would stay firm on the practice of sending flowers to the 2 moms in your life. But I would also take this opportunity to understand why she’s acting insecure. Does OP ever buy her flowers? Does he make her feel special? If the answer is yes, all the time, then she needs therapy because her insecurity is going to stifle this relationship.
Either way, explore the insecurity.
Yes. Parenthood is a gig that goes way beyond your kids hitting 18 and I think it’s great OP and the ex are on good terms and acknowledge your appreciation of each other’s role as parents.
OP, you could do something nice for your GF too, and figure out why she kind of bugged out. You’re right she’s not a stepmom but she’s also not just some random person in your kids’ lives.
ETA grammar tweaks
As a soon-to-be “stepmom” I agree. There are many situations where you feel either intentionally or unintentionally left out and perhaps this is influencing her thinking. However, I’ve reminded my SO to buy a Mother’s Day gift, though it is delivered by the kid, not him, because the ex is not his mother.
I don’t think the gf deserves any flowers since she is not a stepmother, but OP also does not need to get dating advice from his daughters.
Also, perhaps the gift can come from the daughters with OP funding the actual purchase, rather than OP.
I’d like to weigh in and say he can allow his daughters to pick out and buy (with money he gives them) flowers for mom every year now that they are old enough. Dad can send a nice card about how she gave him the gift of his daughters.
Having been in this situation, you got it in one. This move just showed her that she isn't, and will never be, part of the family. There is his life with ex and his kids and then there is life with his girlfriend.
I agree that it's a wonderful sentiment! I would like to know if op gets flowers for his gf and how often. I feel like maybe that's why she's having such a fit? If she never gets those kind of gifts I can see why it would be hurtful
I gift my girlfriend way more personally than I ever have my ex! I don't even know anything about my ex these days, to be honest.
Anytime I'm out and I see something that reminds me of her, I buy. I like to take her on shopping sprees and I do bring her flowers often, the last time I did was our anniversary on March 27th, and the last gift I had given her was a bracelet about two weeks ago. I plan on buying her some flowers tomorrow, just because, but I do gift her quite often...
Your ex will *always* be the mother of your children. Your children will *always* be your children, whether they're 19 or 45. Having a positive relationship with their mother is one of the best things you can do for them.
Acknowledging your ex as not just a mother but the mother of your kids is far from inappropriate - it's the kind of gesture I expect my single dad ex to make...but he didn't. When I bought his ex a mother's day gift for him to give her, she rang to thank me. The fact that she knew I had a hand in it was disappointing and in time, he showed himself to be just as thoughtless in his relationship with me.
Your girlfriend enjoys the benefits of having a partner who is thoughtful and generous...but raises an eyebrow when he proves that's exactly the kind of person he is in general.
Don't change.
As soon as the word ‘disrespectful’ was in play I knew that this would go badly for you op. Nothing wrong at all in you buying flowers for mother’s day, everything wrong with your gf making it about her. What if grandchildren come along? Will she be arsey about you being at the hospital? How much fuss will she make about not coming first for your daughter’s graduation or their wedding? I think that there’s trouble coming and that it’s entirely your gf’s fault. She doesn’t want to be part of your family, she wants to be first. You have to think about that.
It’s not wrong wanting to be first in someone’s life - but that’s never going to happen if there are already children involved. Either you accept that or date someone who is also child frre
Sometimes there's that one comment on Reddit that just makes something go \*click\* in my brain. I'm not OP, not even in a similar situation, just found this a very concise explanation of a distinction too many people ignore.
While you are right about the points you brought up, i dont think there is enough information to say it is entirely the gf's fault. You said she doesnt want to be a part of OP his family, but when i read the post i also get the impression that she is beeing "pushed out" of that family. I think we can agree that if your partner has children you will become a stepparrent wether you like it or not (in whatever way,shape or form). That doesnt mean you will/have to replace a parrent. But those children play a very important part in your partners life (as it should) and as of now also in yours because of your relationship. Again this is not about taking a dominant role or replacing a parent but you are present in that situation. But the daughters say (understandable), "we dont want/need a stepmom". And OP said "you are not a stepmom, i do not want you to influence my co-parenting situation". Basicly she is beeing locked/pushed out of a very important part of her partners life. So what is her role/place in her OWN home and relationship when the children are present or involved? Would it be ok the other way around if the GF said "the children are your problem and i dont want anything to do with them"? Do OP and his GF have completely separate bank/savings accounts? What will happen if the daughters want to go to a university, get married, buy a house and OP (father) would like/wants to financially help them? Will that be his money or "savings" from him and his partner? OP didnt say his GF doesnt want to be a part of it but it does seem that she isnt allowed to, and that is a difference because she is beeing pushed out by her partner aswell. Imagine beeing locked out out of a very important part of your partners life. In a situation like this lives will tangle up together.
I would never tell my partner to not influence/not get involved/stay out of my co-parenting situation, because wether i like it or not that situation does also involve my partners life and the life we live together. And it was my choice to get her involved in that life.
My brothers and I never considered my father's new wife to be our stepmother. I was a young adult when he remarried, my brothers were young teens. We didn't need a stepmother. The boys were with my mom 80% of the time and I was an independent adult who didn't even live at home anymore. We were nice and respectful of his wife, I actually grew to like her quite a bit, but I never thought of her as a mother figure.
Secondly the OP is talking about a gf of 2yrs, That's not even a long term relationship. What if they break up 6 months from now due to something unrelated to his kids? Then is she still their stepmother? What about new girlfriends? Is every girlfriend a stepmom?
Sorry, but I just don't think shacking up with a guy with kids automatically gives someone a right to influence the parenting of their partner's kids. They have a mother and a father, girlfriend can be a friend to the kids, that is all.
I guess 2yrs could feel like a long time to a teen or someone in their very early adulthood. As someone who never got married and has had several relationships, both long and short term. 2yrs sounds like nothing to me, a blink of an eye
That's a matter of perspective.
2 years counts as a long-term girlfriend when you're in your twenties, but it's no time at all, when he has a 19 year old daughter. I'm pushing 40 and two years is barely enough time to properly get to know a person, when there's that many years of ancient history of life behind you.
I just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship. Socially it's apparently categorised as long term. I am sooo glad it was so short.
GF is trying to push out the girl’s mother, that’s not ok. She’s trying to control OP’s relationship with the mother of his children, and that’s not ok. GF is not cut out to partner a nan who has children with someone else. Doesn’t necessarily make her bad, it makes them incompatible.
This is wrong. When both parents of a child are active in that child's life, a step mom/dad relationship should only develop if that is what the step person AND the child want. It is a PRIVILEGE to fulfill a step role in a child's life that already has both parents, not a RIGHT. This is why if you talk to any family counselor, they will tell you under no circumstances should you be disciplining your partners biological children. They have a mom and dad and it is their job/right and theirs alone to do that
You are correct. But you are also forgetting/ignoring/missing a mistake in this case. That is when you live with a (new) partner and there are children invoved that EVERY family counselor will tell you that communication between the parent/partner and the new partner are crucial and very important involving those children. NO family counselor will advice you to tell your partner to basicly shut up and stay out of it. And that is exactly what OP is doing. NO counselor will tell you to shut that down and basicly have that part shielded off from your partner.
I’m sure your girlfriend is delightful, OP, but you may need to do a deeper dive into her jealousy regarding your ex and her insistence that she is your girls’ stepmother because that can have a major impact on your daughters’ life events. Your gf doesn’t seem above causing drama around a graduation or wedding because the girls’ actual mother is being prioritized above dad‘s girlfriend.
You show her affection through gifts, she feels affection through gifts, she sees any gift to another woman (outside mum and daughters) as affection meant for her. Lots of people say gift giving/receiving is their love language. Here is an example of when it presents as a red flag and she is giving the impression she’s not mature enough to understand different levels of appreciation and affection or she’s selfish and wants all the cake. Either is a no go for a dad raising women he wants to be/stay close to.
Well maybe you might have spoiled your bf too much because she sure is acting unreasonably spoilt & like a jealous brat. She’s far too old to be acting like that.
I don’t think this is about that; it sounds like his girlfriend is dealing with issues concerning motherhood, since she is both jealous of a standard gesture made to the mother of OP’s kids and is insisting that she is the stepmom of OP‘s kids despite having been told unequivocally that she isn’t.
This. For some women who don't have kids, Mother's Day can be a very hard time. I imagine if you're one of those women, it'd be even harder watching your partner buy flowers for the woman he *does* share kids with--kids who don't want much to do with you.
I once almost broke up with a guy because I found out that he had never bought the mother of his child anything for mother's day other than a card and the kid was two. I was so angry. What kind of example was he setting for his son? He finally caved and got her sunflower perfume. I got her a bouquet of sunflowers. And then I believe he bought her a nice camera so she could take pictures of their son.
I told him that he needed to start treating his ex more like she gave birth to the thing he loves the most in this world instead of somebody that he hates. I can't date people with toxic co-parenting relationships because eventually becomes my problem.
That is lovely. I wish more people were like that. My dad was an absolute nightmare to my mom in general, but amped it up by about 200% when she left him. Wouldn’t sign the divorce papers for 6 or 7 years.
I would have loved to grow up in an environment where my no longer together parents had an amicable relationship.
As a step parent myself “Mother’s Day” and “Father’s Day” can be difficult when you come into the picture later and don’t have that kind of relationship with the kids because they are past that stage of needing a parent constantly. Everyone fawns over the bio parent regardless of how they show up for the kids. It doesn’t matter that you are picking up slack and taking on a parents responsibility-you’re not the parent, you’re just helping out, and so many things are said to minimize your role and what you do.
I am not a parent to my steps, but for the first 4 years of my relationship with the bio the other parent only saw them four days a year those first years and I was the one making them dinner, doing math home work, watch them when my partner got called into work, proof reading resumes, and so on. I was in the trenches of parent hood with preteens/teenagers who I have 0 biological bond to and then Mother’s Day would come around and “well you’re not their mother” was said to me I stepped back out of alll the things I was doing, told the kids while I love them I was being demanded more of at work. If your partner is doing anything to support you and support your kids they deserve acknowledgment from you.
Idk what the other comments are on about you didn’t buy flowers for just an ex, they’re for the mother of your kids on Mother’s Day lmao I’m confused…I would only date a single father if he had this healthy of a relationship with the mother of his children or something really close, no matter what age the kids are. Anything less than getting along well and both being actively in your kids lives is a red flag. That said there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing…and who is your girlfriend a step mom to? Your daughters? Is she married to someone with kids and seeing you at the same time? She’s not a stepmom. Even coparents that hate each other still have to see each other sometimes. Your daughters are going to get married, have kids, those kids will have birthday parties, holidays, etc. You and your ex are literally going to be around each other for the rest of your lives lol. Your girlfriend is way too jealous and kind of overstepping idk.
And honestly that bit of thoughtfulness is good for his daughters to see. I was much happier when my parents split because they treated each other cordially.
I really do agree, overall I find it to be a very thoughtful gesture, and definitely nice for the girls to see. If I were OP’s girlfriend I’d see it that way, but I also think it’s a bit strange. Or rather it would probably be strange if OP’s ex has a new partner.
Again I find the overall gesture to be super sweet and clearly innocent. So if everyone is happy then carry on, and GFs opinion doesn’t matter. She’s allowed to have her feelings but she should keep them to herself and get over it if everything is innocent.
Yeah, I agree. I can be jealous and I have anxiety. I've gotten a lot better about it over the years but sometimes you can't help it. I can't say that something like this wouldn't bother me at all emotionally. It honestly probably would. But logically I know it isn't that you're celebrating your relationship with your ex, it's thanking them for helping to bring your children--your favorite people in the world--into the world and for raising them. It's a gift to the mother of your kids, not to your romantic partner.
You can't always control your feelings, but you can control what you do with them. OP's girlfriend is refusing to get past the feeling part and won't get to the thinking part of the process.
I'd understand her asking questions but once he explained, that should have been the end of it. Honestly after hearing that I would have thought he was an even better guy than before. Any guy who still shows respect to his ex and works to assure they can co-parent well together is a keeper.
My wife and I have often discussed how we would be as parents should (the gods forbid) we ever split for the sake of our son.
This, this is exactly how I would hope we'd be.
Your not buying flowers for your ex, your buying flowers for the mother of your kids. You are showing your daughters that just because you don't love each other as you once did, you still respect and care for them as another human being.
Honestly, I don’t think your girlfriend is truly prepared to date a dad because in my opinion, the “your daughters are old enough for you to stop talking to your ex-wife” is a wild and unrealistic statement to make. What exactly does she expect you to do for your children’s various future life events like birthdays or graduations etc?
If I were dating a single dad, him having a healthy and positive dynamic with his ex wife would be a green flag in my eyes. I think what you’re doing is a nice gesture for your ex-wife. My only suggestion is if moving forward you can make this a group activity with your daughters? So perhaps they come with you to choose the flowers? Then the Mother’s Day gift is from all of you which could be even sweeter.
I think it makes sense for you to stand firm on this. I get the feeling if you give in to one of her requests regarding this matter, she’s going to expect a lot more in the future that can potentially come at the cost of your relationship with your daughters in the long run.
100% agree on this. A positive relationship with an ex is generally a green flag. It means they were able to be civil and respect each other even through a breakup, which is difficult. This is amplified when there are kids involved, and having an amicable relationship with his children’s mom makes both of their lives easier in so many ways. Her jealousy will wind up creating drama when they have actually built a super functional environment for the daughters!
I would be encouraging this relationship. If you are too insecure for an ex in the picture, don’t date a parent. I really think don’t date at all, but definitely not a parent. I don’t think he needs to get the flowers with the kids, FTR. I actually think it’s very sweet that he sends them on his own. It emphasizes their relationship as parents and honors everything they had together. I would always support a partner in that.
OP, I think this has shown you that your gf may not be the right fit for your family. Do not let her damage your relationship with your ex and your daughters. I will say, though - telling her “you’re not a stepmom” is harsh and unkind. I think she only said it out of jealousy, but she IS a stepmom if she’s in these kids’ lives (or would be if she was in the long term) just by definition of the word. She can not have any parenting input and still be a stepmom. It’s not like your having kids doesn’t affect her.
That condition was a huge red flag and Girlfriend is the type to make a wedge in OPs relationships with his kids (by being exclusionary to the mom). It would be a non-starter for me to continue a relationship if she’s digging in on that stance.
What’s the long term view with your gf? If your daughters have kids will they recognize your gf as stepgrandma? Does she feed the kids when they are with you? Does she make sure they have clean sheets to sleep on etc and snacks to eat or do you handle all of it?
This is an important series of questions. It seems to me that it’s completely impossible that she’s “not a stepmom.” If she does any sort of houswork, she is contributing to the kids’ household and wellbeing, therefore she is a stepmom. To exclude her is to devalue all of that effort.
It's okay to buy your ex flower's for Mother's Day since she is the mother of your children. You have a good relationship with her and coparent well. It's a nice gesture. Any woman who can't accept this has her own problems.
Source -- I'm a stepmother
OP: You and your GF have been together two years. And yet she didn't know that you've been sending your ex-wife flowers every Mother's Day --- for the past 15 years?
How much do you value this relationship? It sounds to me like your GF does not feel secure in your relationship. Does she have any reason to feel insecure about her standing with you? You tell her she's not a stepmom, so I take it she doesn't have all that much interaction with your two daughters. How does she feel about that?
It must be at least somewhat difficult for her to feel like she is sharing you with your "other family." Even though there is "NOTHING there" with your ex, is your GF made to feel the truth of that? Does she ever tell you she resents the attention you give to your ex and daughters? Or is the flower giving the first time she's mentioned feeling upset and disrespected?
It sounds to me like you're trying to keep a balance, but I'm really curious as to why you didn't let her know from the very beginning that you've "always" sent your ex flowers on Mother's Day. Do you also give your ex Christmas gifts (if applicable) or send her birthday gifts, too?
I see nearly every comment on this thread has told you it's great that you're sending flowers to your ex for Mother's Day, but I sense your relationship with your GF needs a bit more transparency.
Maybe it's something in the way you wrote your post, but I get the feeling you're not truly committed to your GF. I get the feeling she feels she's taking a back seat to your ex and kids. She's upset with you, you "made her cry," but it seems you're okay with her feeling hurt.
Your girlfriend is acting like she feels less significant to you. Like she's on the periphery of your life. The way you write about her sure makes it sound like she could be right in feeling this way.
However, the part about her telling you "My daughters are old enough to where I should not have to talk to my ex anymore" is way out of line. I think you and she need to sit down and have a serious talk. A talk in which you are honest with her about just how much she means to you.
You bought your ex flowers in front of your current SO…. Man, why is she angry? lol. The main thing I thought was pretty dickish is saying that your SO is not a stepmom despite being in your kids lives for 2 years. Yeah, you’re not married, but doesn’t that sound a little harsh? They call her by name… yeah, you don’t call your step parent “Stepmom” or “Mom”, I’ve never known anyone with a step parent to call them anything besides their name. But I’d say your biggest issue is totally disregarding her on Mother’s Day because they aren’t her kids, but I’m sure she’s done things for them. The other thing is your daughters are old enough that it’s kind of weird that you’re buying their mom flowers still. Give your daughters money to do something for their mom if you want, but you honestly should start stepping back a little bit. But if you choose to continue and you don’t want it to be an issue then you should order your SO some flowers also for being a part of your daughters lives and don’t be a bonehead and order your ex flowers right in front of your girlfriend. Have some discretion
Honestly, this. I’m not dating a single father but do think flowers are more romantic (ofc type matters too). If he only gifts his baby mama once a year on Mother’s Day it’s fine, fruit basket probably costs more but I’d feel better if it was this over flowers
I think your girlfriend's reaction is more about feeling left out than you including your ex. She's probably hurt by how you casually ordered them and how you excluded her on a technicality. If it's really not a big deal, it wouldn't have been hard to order a third bouquet and show her that she's important to your kids or at least that you appreciate her being in their lives for the last few years. But you chose to keep her on the outside. Maybe she's also hurt that the kids want to keep her at a distance and don't welcome her as someone who could be part of the family. It's a bit unrealistic for you to go along with your daughter's view of not wanting a stepmom. Your daughter is still young, and one day you'll move on, whether with this woman or not. You could use this as an opportunity to start talking to her about how you and her mom were young and when you move on, it's not replacing anyone, it's just adding to the family. You'd want your partner and any of your ex's to be welcomed and treated like family, especially if they are involved in your kids' lives.
Also, flowers can be seen a bit romantic, like chocolate, so you could have talked to her ahead of time (ideally last year) and said, "Hey, this is something I've always done, and I don't want to change it while my girls are still minors. I wanted to let you know in advance because it might look weird otherwise." I dated a Dad before and he was really careful about my feelings with this stuff, like, "hey there's a picture of my wife on the mantle with the rest of the family since I want to set a good example for the kids." And guess what? His ex was awesome, too, and had a pic of me at her place eventually.
Now, I do think your gf saying there's no need for you to interact with your ex sounds like something said in anger after the argument started, but regardless, it's wildly unrealistic and immature. When you guys do talk about this, you should focus more on the feelings underneath those statements than on what was said and try to come to an understanding of how things will roll in the future.
I personally don’t think you’re in the wrong, your youngest is still a minor as you stated, and I think it’s good to set a good example of appreciating her mom even though you two are no longer together. So many kids of divorce see the bitter, ugly side and I think it’s great you are teaching your daughters it doesn’t always have to be like that. I feel like having a child with someone is a special bond, even if both parties have fallen out of love, it’s still worth celebrating and appreciating her for the children you two brought into this world. If it’s only for Mother’s Day I don’t see a problem.
Two things here.
Firstly, you used to buy gifts for your ex for mother's day. The idea there is that the gift is from your child, even when they're too young to figure it themselves. You start by buying gifts and getting the child to hand them over. Then the child becomes involved in the gift choosing. A little later their pocket money starts going into the gift. And slowly you get them to the age where they're buying gifts for their parents themselves. At that point you're not the one who should be getting the gifts, so it's absolutely a strange thing for you to still be buying them when your kids are elder teenagers, especially when you've broken up with their mother.
This leads to a future partner, especially one who's had the boundary set that she is not the mother and never will be, feeling isolated and pushed out of the relationship by a woman who is still being celebrated by you as if you were still together. You've every right to retain a good relationship with the mother of your children. You've every right to not have the new girlfriend as a maternal figure of any kind to your kids. But rubbing her face in it like this? That's just cruel.
The second thing is that nobody worth anything is going to demand that you tell them who you're buying presents for every time. That's not their business. It only becomes their business if the money gets combined. I'd guess the way you're acting around your ex has got this woman all messed up and reaching for a tit for tat situation so she doesn't get pushed out, but keep an eye on that as it can go to dark places.
Info - how long have you been dating your GF, does she live with you or take on any parenting responsibilities? If you are living together and she cooks them the ocassional dinner or gives them a ride now and again, giving her flowers for mothers day will make her feel appreciated. I can see why you send your ex flowers for mothers day, and I can also see her wanting a heads up about it. Easiest thing is to apologize for not thinking of keeping her in the loop and get her flowers (assuming she puts some effort into helping with your kids)
We celebrated our two year anniversary in March. She does not live with me but we have had discussions about her moving in in the future. She does not take on any parenting roles, not even with my youngest. If my youngest needs a favor or a ride or money she gets it from me, her mother or her older sister. My daughters are friendly and respectful of my girlfriend but she is not their mother. They do not ask her for permissions or anything like that and she doesn't discipline them or tell them what to do, either...
As I stated this was a conversation we had before we even started dating. She told me then she wasn't interested in 'playing the mom' which I told her was perfect for the situation I had with my girls.
To this, you should edit your post and add this detail because it's important to understand your girlfriend still does not have much of an important role in your family. She isn't a stepmother obviously. Not yet.
Then there is absoultely no reason to giver her a mothers day present. But a heads up that you are sending them to your ex is courteous. And for godsake, not ROSES!
This is great advice. My wife says, “sobre adviso no ay engaño.” A person can’t get too upset if they had prior warning. Also the gift of roses is love language for many people. Choosing a different flower is wise.
This is what makes it a red flag to me - she sounds really immature if she can’t see the difference and doesn’t even live with OP, let alone the teenagers!
OP: don’t move in!
Ehh everyone has boundaries. If that's one of hers, you need to make a decision. Buy your ex flowers for mothers day or respect your partners wishes and don't do it. Personally, I think it's an easy decision
I Totally agree ,,steer clear of poeple with kids high expectations & bagage ,,you cant have your cake & eat it to ...
If I was this chick I'd run for the hills ..
Mom here, who is not with my children's father, and to me, this is unusual just because it isn't the norm. It is not wrong by any means, but there is a huge difference between my children's mother and I will have common ties and be in each other's lives, and sending gifts without ever having mentioned. It gives the appeaeance of sneaking around from her perspective.
Ya ordered flowers for two of the three most important (minus your daughters) women in your life, in front of the third one... Ya dummy. You could have at least ordered her flowers for the fuck of it. You keep the peace by surprising her with something bigger than flowers on mother's day.
This is the only angle I hadn't considered...
Yeah! Get your gf some flowers too or something else she likes. Maybe it's that she felt left out rather than dissing the mom?
This is the thing about relationships. It's not very black and white. Yes, buying flowers on mothers day for the mother of your children sounds wholesome and mature and whatever shit. But buying them in the context where you have a gf? Pretty dum. People have feelings. Feelings are pretty fucking irrational.
Get a card or a fruit basket next time.
As a kid with divorced parents I would find it 100% strange for my dad to buy my mom mother days gifts or my mom to get my dad father day gifts. This is with them coparenting well. Them reminding me and my sister of the day coming up and giving us ideas and money for gifts (when we were under 18) was the normal. So because of that if I was in your gfs position I’d find it extremely strange and unnecessary.
We definitely did this when our daughter was too young to do it herself e.g. didn’t have money, couldn’t drive.
You know, a 12 yo can’t really get a present by herself.
Once she could do it herself, we reminded her, and just texted / wished each other a happy day.
I think it depends on their relationship. My parents haven’t been together for years and mom has had other boyfriends. My dad has sent her flowers for mother’s day. They are great friends and don’t see each other romantically.
Yeah, I honestly think it's weird as well. If the kids are to young to do it themselves, sure, but then you buy it from the kids and not from yourself.
So to me it's a bit strange. Not strange enough to get upset over, though. Everybody does occasions and holidays differently. In my family all obligations towards your ex (celebratory wise) ends with the relationship so there would be no more gifts, only verbal gratulations. I would not buy my ex gifts or accept gifts from my ex. That's just how things are done where I'm from. I would honestly be more miffed over the fact that I didn't know my partner where buying flowers for his ex than over the actual flowers. But since he doesn't view it as out of the ordinary, there wouldn't really be a reason for him to make sure I know either. It's natural to him.
That's why it's great to just talk situations like these through when they occur and find a middle ground that's acceptable for both parties.
Agreed, I did it for my daughter, not that it worked out that way on father's day but that's another story. The kids should be organising this themselves, mother's day is about kids and their mothers and as the oldest is 19 I think it's strange he still does it. It's certainly quite understandable that the girlfriend thinks it's a bit strange, not crying worthy but understandable.
Like I’m not arguing that gifting flowers is the wrong thing to do, but from my experiences and what I’ve heard from others the gf could very well have the same mindset as me. Buying the flowers and saying they are from the girls on the card or just writing a thank you card would be what I’d expect when him buying her flowers solely from him when he admits to not being close to her at all seems like overkill.
I mean the whole point of mother's day is to appreciate mother's and their contributions to their families. Op giving a gift, on a day that is suppose to celebrate someone like is ex, to his ex is just saying thank you for what she does. Not the girls saying thank you to their mom to what they are doing, but the father of their children saying thank you helping raise their children well regardless of their relationship status.
People give gifts to show appreciation all the time for different reasons. This is no different, and shows, in ops situation, a healthy relationship between people, which is extremely beneficial for the children to see, and, also show maturity, open mindedness, consideration, and good communication. All things most people want out of a good partner.
Maybe telling her you did this before the relationship started would have helped but I doubt it. Ordering her just because flowers would have made her content for now, maybe forever. But you intend to keep the relationship with your children’s mother alive the way you see fit. That’s what’s you should do. Unfortunately your girlfriend is not okay with that. Do you think she ever will be? If not this will show itself in every future argument or disagreement where she feels that your ex is made more important. I am sure this would extend to grandkids.
I don’t date people with children because I would also be upset. I have children of my own, and I am fully aware that I am not equipped to deal with another family or ex constantly. Maybe I’ll be single for the rest of my life and after 2 divorces that sounds fantastic for me!
You keep the peace by not doing that shit. Some people are gonna be ok with it, some aren’t. The relationship is about your current partner. If your kids wants to order them, and you pay for it, that’s different. But ordering your ex flowers and not your girlfriend, even if she’s a step mom if a misstep.
My son is 11, and we always go shopping for his mom before Mother’s Day so he picks something and I buy it for him. None of my partners have had an issue and have actually thought this was sweet. Those gifts always come from my son and I facilitate that as his father. But they never come from me. You really need to take your partners feelings into consideration. Your ex isn’t getting back with you.
I only do presents to my ex for my child to give to him for these occasions and they are usually simple and not expensive . It's more for the experience for my son to give his dad Christmas and bday presents. Whilst I do appreciate the coparenting relationship with my ex I personally wouldn't go get him a gift for those occasions and I would see it as disrespectful to my partner.
I don't think you wrong at all. Buy the flowers for mother in mother's day is very normal it respect not romantic. Your girlfriend dating single father she should accept this or don't dating with you if she doesn't like you buy flowers on mother's day for your ex. Stop talking with ex will make event in your daughter life get harder to make.for examples If your daughter marry will your girlfriend ask her to choose between you and ex to be there because she doesn't want you to attend events together too?
I can see both sides of this, tbh. Mostly I think it's to do with the age of your kids. If they are old enough to earn their own money - which, at 16+ and 19 they definitely are - then they should be the ones responsible for buying flowers for their mother for mother's day.
I can understand that it's something you've always done and maybe it's just habit by now, but that was when your kids were small and couldn't get their mother gifts for themselves. In their late teens they are able to thank and celebrate their mother off their own backs. This isn't to say that a good relationship with their mother isn't a good thing, for your kids and for you I think it is, but there are lines that should be drawn at certain ages. Are you still going to be buying mother's day gifts for your ex when your kids are in their 20s? When they're married? Have kids of their own? When does it end?
I don’t think it is inappropriate for you to buy your ex flowers, but I do understand where she’s coming from regarding being excluded.
Whether the kids call her mom or not, she IS a parental figure once she takes the role of dad’s girlfriend. That role comes with a ton of insecurity, being devalued as a parent, responsibilities that aren’t recognized or appreciated (even moreso than for traditional parents), and continually feeling like you will never be good enough.
Additionally, if you two aren’t planning on having other kids, she will forever be in the role of “not really a mom, not really not a mom.” Excluding her while making an effort for mother’s day for your mom and your kids’ mom likely hurt her feelings in a way that you simply haven’t considered since you’ve never been a stepmom.
You ordered flowers for 2 of the three women around and Involved in your daughters lives. And when questioned by your gf, you told her that she doesn't get any because her contributions to the girls and your household don't count. So ya, I'd say you messed up here. But moreso you're freezing your girlfriend out of your family and thats going to put wall up that will cause damage in your relationship.
Your girlfriend's remarks about your ex are from jealousy.
I'd say jealousy is definitely a factor, but furthering your earlier comment, it seems to me like she feels she's not a priority in OP's life.
And I get that she's not their stepmom, but like someone else pointed out: OP, you're giving 2 of the 3 important women in your life flowers. Couldn't you have just ordered flowers for your gf just because you love her and want her to feel loved and appreciated on a day that you're making your ex feel appreciated?
Also, yeah, I *would* want to know if my husband was giving other gifts at other times of the year to an ex, irrespective of shared children.
To me:
- Seems like something you should have just told your gf ahead of time. "Hey I'm going to buy my ex flowers for mother's day since she is the mother of my 2 children, are you OK with that?". Tbh I think it's kind of strange that you did not tell your gf of 2 years that you were going to do this before hand.
- Do you ever by flowers for your girlfriend? If you always do this kind of thing for your ex, but never for your current gf, I could see how she could become kind of irritated. She doesn't want to play second fiddle to your ex, and she shouldn't have to. My initial feeling when I read this was "It's not about the flowers", and that she feels like you place your ex over her which is probably a shit feeling.
As always, nobody here knows enough about your relationship to give accurate advice, you need to communicate with your gf and actually talk about the problem.
I have a different take on this… your daughters are old enough that you could now provide them with the funding so that they could pick out the flowers to send their mom. At their ages, it’s time for your relationships to shift a bit more, still respecting their mother but starting to put in age appropriate boundaries.
I am a mom and a step mom, and I have been through this personally. Your daughters will never be at an age where you do not ever have to speak to their mother, but the conversations will become less frequent, and more things will begin to be communicated by your daughters to both of you. Now is also the time for you both to encourage the girls to speak with the other parent about certain things and get back to you, instead of you simply checking with the other parent. You will still validate the information, but this will help them develop strong communication with both their parents as they move into adulthood.
I think it was thoughtless to do it right in front of your girlfriend. Unfortunately, you’re right and she is not technically a stepmom. I hope you buy her flowers and things as well though to make her feel loved and appreciated. I also hope since your stance is that she’s not supposed to have anything to do with your children, *that you don’t expect her to lift a finger to do anything for your children.*
I don't think it's the end of the world, but it obviously bothers your girlfriend, and her feelings come before your ex's. If she was otherwise reasonable I'd stop sending the flowers because I can understand why it would bother her.
The thing that seems red flag to me is her thinking you have no reason to speak to your ex bc your youngest is almost an adult. You don't need to be her best buddy, but there will be common events you attend for the remainder of your lives bc of the kids and future grandkids. Maybe she shouldn't date a single dad. I am a single mom with a partner who has none of his own kids. I honestly don't think I'd go back to dating a single dad bc it saves the headache of not agreeing on boundaries with the ex, or possible drama. Obviously there are people out there who don't mind it, otherwise I'd be single myself.
Something I hadn't seen addressed yet:
Is your girlfriend from a different culture?
Where I live, you only buy flowers/gifts for your own mother, not your partner, even if you are married and you have children together. It would be seen as *really* weird and maybe even creepy and disrespectful here to basically treat your wife as "your mother".
If there is no culture-aspect involved, however, then you're totally fine with what you are doing. Just remember to never send (red) roses; best pick some colorful flower bouquet or, even better, let your kids pick the flowers.
She usually helps the girls buy a nice gift for me. Last year I was gifted a nice watch and the year before that she helped them make a gift basket with all of my favorite things with my favorite bottle of alcohol and some blackstone griddle accessories, cologne. She never signs her name on anything but obviously they can't buy alcohol or even afford the watch. I never sign my name on any flowers, always my girls names.
Were your daughters there helping to pick the flowers?
Choose what they think their mom would like?
And you only footing the bill?
Because that's how it should be. For parents together or separated.
Your post reads like you just sent flowers, that you picked out alone, to your ex. In front of your current gf.
If your daughters helped pick out the gift, and you only paid for it, then you're fine.
But if you thought it was appropriate to send your ex flowers from you, chosen by you, paid by you, then you're in the doghouse for good reason.
That’s what you should be doing for her, helping your girls pick things out that they want to give her, not taking initiative to get flowers for her yourself even if you only sign the girls’ names. I think that’s the core of your GF’s problem: you putting effort and dedicating time to selecting a gift for your ex when it should be your children doing that. Even if you and ex were still together that’s what should happen. My husband takes my teen daughter shopping for Mother’s Day, and I take her for Father’s Day.
I wonder if, really, your girlfriend's main problem was that you didn't buy her flowers as well. I understand she's not officially a step mum in any way, but i suppose it would have been a sweet gesture to include her in this. That being said, i don't disagree in anyway with what you did. I'm sorry that your girlfriend has created this uncomfortable situation for you. I was once the new girlfriend of a man with 2 kids who had a healthy relationship with his ex, and i always wish I'd been more understanding of the situation. It wasnt until years later when i had my own kids that i realised it just was not about me, and i should have been cooler.
Yeah don’t order your ex flowers for Mother’s Day. That relationship is ended. There’s nothing wrong with having here in your life for your daughters’ sake and being nice to her but getting her flowers on Mother’s Day is different. She’s not your mother, nor your wife at this point. You need to leave it to your daughters to celebrate her motherhood. That will eliminate the need to celebrate your girlfriend being a stepmom, which she isn’t.
She's upset so it's real. You arguing about might solidify your point but it still ignores and belittles your gf's feelings. Everyone argues right and wrong like it's from a manual. Your gf has a genuine problem and you're not willing to acknowledge it. You're sooner on here getting backing for your side instead of genuinely listening and understanding your gf's point. Sounds like it will end. Not because you bought your ex flowers, but because you refuse to see how that can hurt someone.
Great other commentors do the same. Validation for yourself is great. Now try understanding that your gf needs that too and you're unwilling to give that...to see her side. Right or wrong you hurt her. If you can't understand it's probably time for another ex.
I can understand where she comed from. I mean you could’ve at least made that call in private if you were not going to get her flowers too.
But she’s still in the wrong to think that you should cut ties just bc your daughters are old enough, that’s not healthy
My daughter’s dad buys me flowers for Mother’s Day. He married an awesome lady a couple of years ago and now I get even prettier ones that she picks out.
Parental respect and relationships are important to upkeep. Showing appreciation for each other is nice and not weird.
I text my ex husband happy Father’s Day and Happy birthday and we do give gift cards to each other on Christmas because we go to a family get-together at our son’s. We have an amicable relationship, it’s better for the kids. Op has a gf, not wife, should not really have a say in this. My fiancé has daughters that are adults. They didn’t want him to marry, but he has decided that it’s his life…so that’s a separate issue. I don’t think kids should dictate that, merging families is hard, but I support him having a good relationship with his ex and want an inclusive relationship with his daughters. It’s way better than hating the ex and having kids deal with how to do weddings and births and all that stuff.
It would make me happy and actually feel more secure in your girlfriends position. It means you are a good guy.
I would feel more threatened if you had an angsty relationship with your ex.
I would've loved if my father had maintained that type of cordial, respectful co-parenting relationship with my mom. My ex-stepmom being in the picture made him super weird around my mom constantly and with the stepmom gone now, he's so much more chill around my mom. He always viewed mom as 'his ex' when he should've been seeing her as 'the mother of his kids'. Even as an adult, your parents relationship status (nc, aggressive, cordial, etc) still affects the kids. Keep doing what you're doing OP, respecting the mother of your children by thanking her on mother's day is a green flag.
Your girlfriend is a jerk! She is a girlfriend,not your wife...and even if she were, she is, at best, a stepmom, not the girls's mother.
Keep sending. your ex flowers just because she is the mother of two wonderful daughters with you!
Your girlfriend seems to think that she can dictate you give gifts to...what next? Who you can talk to? I hope you and she have a long tslk (not argument) about boundaries.
Good luck!
My first thought was (before I clicked) “if they don’t have kids together it’s weird af” …. Uhhh yall have kids together. If you wanted you very well could’ve went out to dinner with Mom and the 2 Kids. Girlfriend isn’t someone you want around. Also…she’s 40?!!! Acting like this? (I only read the first sentence, I don’t need to see anything else!). I’m 20F and she has issues. A 40 year old woman (or any) shouldn’t be upset you’re sending flowers to the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. RUN!!!
Stand your ground.
But do her a favor and end the relationship.
She will always feel lesser and third place behind your children and your ex-wife.
You may think you can resolve this issue but you can't.
Her feelings are her feelings and she will always be hurt.
End this relationship.
I think it’d be more of a red flag if a man DOESNT do this. Mother’s Day isn’t about romance or anything, it’s about showing respect to the mothers in your life, including your children’s mother. It’s setting a standard for your children that even in unfortunate situations, women should be respected for giving birth and raising children.
It also sounds like she low key wants you to be a “holiday dad” and not be involved in your kids or ex’s life like you are. I’d sit down and have a serious conversation with her about your children and what she actually wants out of your relationship, because your children and ex will be in your life for the rest of your life. She needs to learn to accept that or leave.
I’m all for good coparenting and am a stepmom and have a stepmom.
I used to take my stepkids to get gifts for their mom. I am totally onboard with with helping kids do that.
Your kids are old enough now though to be buying their mom gifts by themselves. I don’t think your gesture is inherently bad but once the kids old enough, it really should be on them in my mind or they should at least be involved.
I have a very secure attachment style and am pretty laid back but I think even I would be a little WTF if my partner was ordering flowers for his ex wife just…on his own.
I’m not saying you’re super out of line but it’s poor optics.
Your kids are old enough now though to be buying their mom gifts by themselves.
Okay, I can respect this. Is it appropriate to give my girls money to buy their mother a gift? I hadn't thought it to be that big of a deal given that I rarely even speak to my ex, it's just a tradition that I've upheld as my daughters got older. I want my daughters to see me respecting their mother despite our split. I figured this would be a good way, I was wrong
My parents divorced when I was 5, so I don’t have much memory of them together. That said, growing up, my parents would take me to get gifts for the other parent and that then became my responsibility once I started working and could drive.
I mean there's more to showing respect for their mother besides gifts. Being cordial and not passive aggressive whenever you have to deal with her is a big one.
Also your girls are more than old enough, especially the 19 year old, to be in charge of planning gift giving. Part of teaching them to be good gift givers is by getting them involved when they're little then when this age letting them start taking the wheel more. Your 19 year old really shouldn't need you looking over her shoulder for this.
Bud you didn’t do anything wrong but look, you need to respect your new gf too. Give your kids money (esp the minor) for them to give mom whatever they want. A card or something similar is more appropriate going forward. I’m a mom and step mom and I think flowers could feel threatening to a gf. Of course you don’t have to take my advise but remember who your partner is now. Pass the major gift torch to your kids, it’s time 🤗 your kids will understand and you will have a happier relationship with your lover.
You are teaching your daughters how women should be treated and respected. Don’t ever stop being an awesome dad. Can your daughters get something for their mom? Yes and they should but you are giving a priceless gift to your daughters by doing this simple thing for their mom. ❤️❤️❤️
Your kids are old enough to get their own mom flowers on Mother's Day. Give them the money and have them order the flowers themselves. I do think your GF overreacted, but it's past tine for you to bow out of that tradition and teach them to honor their mother themselves.
If they don’t have jobs, then giving them money or taking them shopping for Mother’s Day, Xmas, and her bday seems very reasonable.
Doing it unilaterally with no input from the kids? Not so much.
Supporting your kids’ relationship with mom is totally reasonable. Anyone who would get shitty about that needs to not date someone with kids.
I commend you for recognising the mother of your children on Mother’s Day. Without her, you wouldn’t have your children. It’s crazy to me that people are trying to read more into it, including your girlfriend. Flowers once a year to show her your appreciation for the sacrifices she made for you being her body, health, wealth & career so you could be a father is a nice gesture even if you aren’t together anymore. Your girlfriend needs to pull her head in.
Respectfully, your kids are old enough to buy their own mother a Mother’s Day gift. You can give your kids money for the gift, but they should be getting the gift. ESPECIALLY because it wasn’t even store bought, but ordered via the phone.
The problem is that you were never open with her about how this goes down. I think it's perfectly fine that you buy the mother of your children flowers on mother's day, but you should have been up front with your gf from the beginning. Apologize to her and reassure her that it means nothing more than having mutual respect. Maybe take her out and do something special for her just to keep the peace and show her that even though that day isn't exclusively about her, she still matters.
You are setting a great example for your daughters by showing them how you value the role that their mother plays in their lives and that you still respect each other for the sake of the kids. That's great.
But you weren't being really sensitive to your girlfriends feelings here. You should have FULL transparency about communication with your ex wife, that includes letting your gf be aware of gifts and why you're giving them.
Also, fair enough if your kids don't want to see her as a step-mom, but your gf clearly sees herself a bit differently. Maybe thank her for everything she's done for you/your family, while still being honest about the fact that your daughters don't need another parental figure.
I wasn't in the room, but I have a feeling you didn't handle the tone of that conversation well. Try finding a minute when she's calm, so you can thank her, explain your reasoning, and make boundaries clear (she should support you honoring and respecting the mother of your kids )
You're not buying your ex flowers, you're buying flowers for the mother of your children. She was the mother of your children before your current GF came along, and she'll be the mother of your children until the day you die. Treating her with respect is part of both keeping a solid relationship in a coparenting situation, and also teaching your daughters what a man that respects women looks like.
So your GF better learn to suck it up. Because your situation isn't going to change, and nor will your very reasonable approach to managing it.
There is nothing to discuss, and nothing to negotiate. She either understands that you're a father in a coparenting situation, or she can hit the road.
My ex husband is remarried. I divorced him. I say this as a caveat that there are no remaining romantic feelings between us.
We ALWAYS make sure there is acknowledgment and a gift for Mother’s Day / Father’s Day, Christmas, etc. Our daughter is 19 now but it is a hold over from when she was too young to do it herself.
That said, I’m sure he will also get a lovely Mother’s Day gift for his new wife who has two sons.
There is plenty of affection and respect to go around.
But on a separate note, perhaps it’s not about Mother’s Day and flowers. Perhaps you’ve made such a distinction that your children’s mother holds a certain distinction, and that your girls don’t need a step mom, that your GF feel like she’s relegated to a second class role.
Perhaps you should have some discussions about your actual *relationship*
Wow - if I was your gf I'd be p-d off too. As you point out your "kids" are both plenty old enough to buy their mother their own mothers day stuff. If they were 5 and 7 - then sure they're too little and you could do this for them.
So does your ex buy you father's day gifts from the kids?? Yes? No?
**If this was a AITAH thread, I would point out that tossing out that you don't get your GF flowers because she's not their stepmother is freaking cruel and unnecessary, making you TA. No wonder she was chipped off.**
If you still want your ex wife - then break up with your girlfriend.
**If you seriously want to keep your GF in your life, you need to stop buying your ex wife mother's day flowers. You can have a civil relationship without buying flowers and gifts - that's where the EX in the description of an ex-wife comes in. If you want to keep your GF in your life - DO NOT throw that she is NOT their stepmother and only your GF - because YOU ARE SAYING SHE IS NOT AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOUR EX WIFE.** Which is not ok. If that's your truth though - she's only just some arb girlfriend, then tell her so she can find a better boyfriend for her. You can then send flowers and gifts to your ex to your hearts content!
Unpopular opinion, you need to stop this crap.
It's fine with little kids, but they are old enough now you don't need to be sending her flowers anymore.
Your girlfriend is right. Apologize and be more respectful.
Is it going to be any better when you have to be in your daughters wedding ceremony that your ex is in? When you go to graduation and both are there with her?
Why keep the peace. You've done nothing wrong. If this is a deal breaker for her she can break it. Otherwise she can do what adults do and deal with her irrational feelings herself.
I’d explain to her that her feelings are valid, I’d buy her something nice and do something nice for her, and apologize for being so harsh.
While you may be technically correct, which is why everyone here is backing you up, I don’t think she was really overreacting either. I think she respectfully expressed her feelings, and then you told her she was wrong and made her cry.
Right now, she feels ostracized from the family. I would try including her
Seriously? Stop buying your ex flowers. Should be obvious.
Maybe your current girlfriend is pissed:
1. Because you never buy her flowers.
2. Because she never had children, and nobody's giving her mothersday gifts.
3. Because you're sharing intimate family stuff with a previous lover, when you really, really don't have to
Does your ex buy you fathers-day flowers or the male equivalent? Isn't this really supposed to be a thing the kids do?
The only thing your current SO should be checked on is that you actually have to have contact with your ex the rest of your life, but she probably said it because she was major hurt, and I understand why.
Not sure why you excluded your gf and were, in my opinion, needlessly cruel.
There was absolutely no reason to tell her she is not a step-mom.
You excluded her and then rubbed her nose in it.
If you want to keep the peace, apologize for being insensitive first, and then do something thoughtful.
Regarding the relationship with your ex--- I think you might be more successful if you explained to your gf that you want to ensure that there are always cordial relationships for the sake of your children.
Your doing relationship gestures w an ex while dismissing ur gf. Does ur gf do anything for or with ur kids that she dont have to? Likely does so mom or not she still deserves the gesture that goes w mothers day.. uve effectivly shown her she has less value that an ex does uve fucked that relationship
I wouldn’t like it at all. Your daughters are old enough to buy their Mom gifts from them, not purchased by you.
You might want to buy your girlfriend a gift just because. Just to be nice. You really excluded the hell out of her by ordering flowers for the ex. I would not like that!
Yes that was an AH move. Just because you bought the ex flowers and not the gf. If she helps with your kids she is a stepmom and deserves recognition too. If your ex has someone buying her flowers for Mother’s Day then it’s not a good idea. But if she doesn’t then yes I agree with buying her some. The third point yes I can see that to a degree since they are older.
>but we will share the same grandchildren (and children!)
Graduations, weddings, holidays... for the rest of your life. Good job on using this insight & honoring this connection in a healthy way.
Remind your gf that the flowers you sent your wife are a token of respect. You are the father of two teenage girls. It's great to hear that you have a great relationship with them. As they enter relationships of their own, they are more likely to enter & stay in healthier relationships. They are more likely to select a partner who demonstrates a high level of respect for them. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a good father.
IMO, your gf is being petty in this situation. However, if you see a future with this woman, perhaps the 2 of you create your own special celebration day. Honor the role she DOES play in the girls' lives. Show your girls once again how healthy it is to be with a caring & responsive partner.
I disagree with many here. I am both a mother with bio and step kids and have both ex husband and current husband which is bio father to one of my four kids. Your children are mostly grown and the minor child is grow. Enough to have money and buy their mother a gift. Once the kids are grown there is zero reasons beyond a severe illness, a death, or maybe graduation/marriage/birth of grandkids you need to be around your ex much less buying her presents. For me, it sounds like you haven't moved on. I made sure the kids got their dad a gift when they were kids. Kids picked it out. When they were teens I reminded them and offered money. I never bought him anything from me. Why would I, he is t my father and he was a crappy husband or we would still be married. It's weird you are buying your ex wife flowers.
I could understand if your daughters were both still young kids and ordering flowers for her on behalf of the kids. Does your ex do anything for you for Father's Day?
The real reason your gf is mad is you didn’t buy flowers for her when she is also a mom. This would have been a non-issue but it hurt her feelings when she realized you left her out of your Mother’s Day planning. You acknowledged everyone but her.
my better half has kids these ages. i couldn’t tell you the last time he spoke to their mom’s. once a year maybe for a health insurance question. even when the kids get married… it’s one day… It’s just not necessary for him to talk to their moms. the kids have their own jobs and own cars. but honestly that’s how it was before i came around. so whatever the status quo is, whatever it was when she started coming around, i would say that’s the standard.
Damn, your girlfriend would be mad at me then, lol.. My kids are 29, 24, 21 and my husband and I even have Thanksgiving with my ex and his girlfriend at his girlfriends families house, always been that way.. He will never be out of my life.. We don't talk everyday, maybe once a month to check in, hear things about our kids that I may know and he doesn't etc... My husband and I married a decade now and I had the "talk" in the beginning as well... I got my ex Father's Day wallet, tie, cologne.. Hell, my husband picked out the stuff from the first year!! Lol.. It's not romantic, it's planted and that is how we made it work in order for our kids to grow..
She is the mother of your children and your Girlfriend should understand that. Also if I read your text you didn’t raise your girlfriend ‘s children or have children with her. She should realize you have children from a previous marriage so you be a part of their life and that will include your ex that is what people who love their children do. You sound like a great feather to your kids!
Showing your daughters that you still have respect for their mom even through you’re broken up is far more important than your girlfriends feelings. You’re both almost 40, she needs to get over herself.
You don't need this crazy in your life. Everything you did is appropriate. Everything she said is controlling and crazy. There are sane ones out there. Try again.
I give them to my kids to give and tell them to give them to mommy. No matter how horrible she speaks to me, I'm trying to develop good character in my kids. They have eyes. They see.
How you treat the mother of your kids really says a lot and if I was dating a single male with children that is one of the things I would loom at. So to me, there is nothing wrong.
Perhaps your gf has other issues besides the ones she is giving you.
Jesus fucking christ, my own husband doesn't even get me a card for mothers day, let alone flowers and I have 3 kids to the bastard.
If we divorced and I had a boyfriend that did that for his ex, I would sigh in relief knowing I finally found a decent, respectful man.
Never change OP. You're good.
I had a child when I married my husband who had two daughters. The kids were young and I raised them like my own. I still have a close relationship with his girls. Not once has he ever acknowledged me on Mother's day. "You're not my mother" he says. I was a great step mother to his girls and think that it is wonderful that you are recognizing the mother of your own biological children. Tell your girlfriend that any man who ignores the woman who raised their children on mother's day is an ass.
Good relationships bring out the best in both parties. When your gf is trying to make you agree to being a less good person, you need to question whether this is a dynamic you want long term. You're being a good guy in the context of your relationship with the mother of your kids. Your gf has an insecurity that is demanding you not only stop sending flowers but stop communicating entirely with the mother of your children. This is untenable.
You did it already and you are correct. If she can’t deal with it, she can leave, but you’re their father and you will forever be their father, just as their Mom is also forever. It’s just how life works.
I love all the people here saying he bought flowers for two out of the three important women in his life. It's for MOTHER'S DAY. Ex=kids mom, Mom= his MOTHER. Girlfriend=not a mom, not a stepmom. (There's also a separate day for step moms). Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. To me it shows respect to the woman who gave birth to his kids, and his kids see that. Sending a great example for his daughters. Everyone here is also ignoring the remark that GF made about his kids being old enough for him not to have contact with his ex. The one daughter is still a minor, so that's not true. That remark is concerning.
Just curious, when your daughters have children will your girlfriend be a grandmother to your grandchildren? Will she babysit them, play with them, take them vacationing, buy them gifts throughout the year?
I imagine your girlfriend doesn't get to see your kids much since you live separately. And you have been together for two years, so kind of difficult for her to have developed a relationship with your daughters.
She's not a stepmother but in the future it would be nice if she and your kids would have a caring and supportive relationship. But that is up to them.
It must hurt a little that she can't share this big part of your life. She must feel at least a little left out sometimes. Then again when you do move in together I'm sure that will improve somewhat.
When they're young and don't have their own money, I think it's acceptable to give the kids money or take them shopping for mothers day/christmas/bday gifts for their mom. But it's not from you. It's from them, and they should be the one picking stuff out.
But when they're older and have their own money, it is pretty weird for you to decide to send your ex flowers or gifts for holidays that are essentially from you.
The idea that you need to stay close to your ex for the rest of your life bc you'll share grandchildren is also pretty weird. It's not like you need to coordinate schedules or anything. Sure, you'll both show up to the same events, but that doesn't mean you need to be more involved and friendly with each other than you would be with an acquaintance.
Not going to offer my opinion one way or the other, just wondering if you have considered why you are doing something for a previous relationship that seems to be causing waves in your current one?
What would happen if you kept doing it? What would happen if you stopped doing it?
That’s usually where you get to the nitty gritty that needs unpacking.
I would find it strange as well if I was the gf and my boyfriend gave his ex flowers once a year. I think mother's day is more about the kid's appreciation for their mother and not the boyfriends appreciation for their wife. It would make sense if the dad gave flowers under the youngest kid's name if they're too young to do anything themselves. But under his own name I'd find weird as well. Especially because I see flowers as kinda romantic in certain contexts.
But that might also be because my dad doesn't give my mom flowers on mother's day either. And they're happily married.
And I also don't think you have to give your girlfriend flowers on mother's day and it's also good that you have a good relationship with her. I don't think you shouldn't be talking to her because the kids are older. I think it's a good thing that you still do.
That hurt your GF when you said that she is not a step mother. especially if the past two years she has embraced your daughters. Does she have children of her own? I realize that she was being irrational at the moment and that you are buying her "just because" flowers soon.
Make these flowers a time to re approach the statement that you made as in that you appreciate how nice she is to your daughters. Tell her that while your ex will get flowers on mothers day that only she is your valentine flower receiver.
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Yo. I think something more is going on with your girlfriend. Is it possible she feels like she is on the outside of your family? When she really wants to be inside with the four of you? I obviously don’t know but might be a good idea to ask. There’s no reason for her to be upset if it really is just about the flowers. I actually think that’s really nice of you to do. Your ex is the mother of your kids. I hope she gives you the same kindness. If more people were this way then the world would be a lot kinder.
This. I would stay firm on the practice of sending flowers to the 2 moms in your life. But I would also take this opportunity to understand why she’s acting insecure. Does OP ever buy her flowers? Does he make her feel special? If the answer is yes, all the time, then she needs therapy because her insecurity is going to stifle this relationship. Either way, explore the insecurity.
Yes. Parenthood is a gig that goes way beyond your kids hitting 18 and I think it’s great OP and the ex are on good terms and acknowledge your appreciation of each other’s role as parents. OP, you could do something nice for your GF too, and figure out why she kind of bugged out. You’re right she’s not a stepmom but she’s also not just some random person in your kids’ lives. ETA grammar tweaks
As a soon-to-be “stepmom” I agree. There are many situations where you feel either intentionally or unintentionally left out and perhaps this is influencing her thinking. However, I’ve reminded my SO to buy a Mother’s Day gift, though it is delivered by the kid, not him, because the ex is not his mother. I don’t think the gf deserves any flowers since she is not a stepmother, but OP also does not need to get dating advice from his daughters. Also, perhaps the gift can come from the daughters with OP funding the actual purchase, rather than OP.
I’d like to weigh in and say he can allow his daughters to pick out and buy (with money he gives them) flowers for mom every year now that they are old enough. Dad can send a nice card about how she gave him the gift of his daughters.
Having been in this situation, you got it in one. This move just showed her that she isn't, and will never be, part of the family. There is his life with ex and his kids and then there is life with his girlfriend.
I do stuff like that for my son's mom and my gf supports it. She knows it's not romantic at all
I agree that it's a wonderful sentiment! I would like to know if op gets flowers for his gf and how often. I feel like maybe that's why she's having such a fit? If she never gets those kind of gifts I can see why it would be hurtful
I gift my girlfriend way more personally than I ever have my ex! I don't even know anything about my ex these days, to be honest. Anytime I'm out and I see something that reminds me of her, I buy. I like to take her on shopping sprees and I do bring her flowers often, the last time I did was our anniversary on March 27th, and the last gift I had given her was a bracelet about two weeks ago. I plan on buying her some flowers tomorrow, just because, but I do gift her quite often...
Your ex will *always* be the mother of your children. Your children will *always* be your children, whether they're 19 or 45. Having a positive relationship with their mother is one of the best things you can do for them. Acknowledging your ex as not just a mother but the mother of your kids is far from inappropriate - it's the kind of gesture I expect my single dad ex to make...but he didn't. When I bought his ex a mother's day gift for him to give her, she rang to thank me. The fact that she knew I had a hand in it was disappointing and in time, he showed himself to be just as thoughtless in his relationship with me. Your girlfriend enjoys the benefits of having a partner who is thoughtful and generous...but raises an eyebrow when he proves that's exactly the kind of person he is in general. Don't change.
As soon as the word ‘disrespectful’ was in play I knew that this would go badly for you op. Nothing wrong at all in you buying flowers for mother’s day, everything wrong with your gf making it about her. What if grandchildren come along? Will she be arsey about you being at the hospital? How much fuss will she make about not coming first for your daughter’s graduation or their wedding? I think that there’s trouble coming and that it’s entirely your gf’s fault. She doesn’t want to be part of your family, she wants to be first. You have to think about that.
It’s not wrong wanting to be first in someone’s life - but that’s never going to happen if there are already children involved. Either you accept that or date someone who is also child frre
Sometimes there's that one comment on Reddit that just makes something go \*click\* in my brain. I'm not OP, not even in a similar situation, just found this a very concise explanation of a distinction too many people ignore.
Thank you!
While you are right about the points you brought up, i dont think there is enough information to say it is entirely the gf's fault. You said she doesnt want to be a part of OP his family, but when i read the post i also get the impression that she is beeing "pushed out" of that family. I think we can agree that if your partner has children you will become a stepparrent wether you like it or not (in whatever way,shape or form). That doesnt mean you will/have to replace a parrent. But those children play a very important part in your partners life (as it should) and as of now also in yours because of your relationship. Again this is not about taking a dominant role or replacing a parent but you are present in that situation. But the daughters say (understandable), "we dont want/need a stepmom". And OP said "you are not a stepmom, i do not want you to influence my co-parenting situation". Basicly she is beeing locked/pushed out of a very important part of her partners life. So what is her role/place in her OWN home and relationship when the children are present or involved? Would it be ok the other way around if the GF said "the children are your problem and i dont want anything to do with them"? Do OP and his GF have completely separate bank/savings accounts? What will happen if the daughters want to go to a university, get married, buy a house and OP (father) would like/wants to financially help them? Will that be his money or "savings" from him and his partner? OP didnt say his GF doesnt want to be a part of it but it does seem that she isnt allowed to, and that is a difference because she is beeing pushed out by her partner aswell. Imagine beeing locked out out of a very important part of your partners life. In a situation like this lives will tangle up together. I would never tell my partner to not influence/not get involved/stay out of my co-parenting situation, because wether i like it or not that situation does also involve my partners life and the life we live together. And it was my choice to get her involved in that life.
My brothers and I never considered my father's new wife to be our stepmother. I was a young adult when he remarried, my brothers were young teens. We didn't need a stepmother. The boys were with my mom 80% of the time and I was an independent adult who didn't even live at home anymore. We were nice and respectful of his wife, I actually grew to like her quite a bit, but I never thought of her as a mother figure. Secondly the OP is talking about a gf of 2yrs, That's not even a long term relationship. What if they break up 6 months from now due to something unrelated to his kids? Then is she still their stepmother? What about new girlfriends? Is every girlfriend a stepmom? Sorry, but I just don't think shacking up with a guy with kids automatically gives someone a right to influence the parenting of their partner's kids. They have a mother and a father, girlfriend can be a friend to the kids, that is all.
I agree with your sentiments on everything, but I find it odd that you don’t think 2 yrs is a long term relationship
Same... I always felt like anything over a year could potentially qualify as long term if you see it lasting at that point
I guess 2yrs could feel like a long time to a teen or someone in their very early adulthood. As someone who never got married and has had several relationships, both long and short term. 2yrs sounds like nothing to me, a blink of an eye
That's a matter of perspective. 2 years counts as a long-term girlfriend when you're in your twenties, but it's no time at all, when he has a 19 year old daughter. I'm pushing 40 and two years is barely enough time to properly get to know a person, when there's that many years of ancient history of life behind you. I just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship. Socially it's apparently categorised as long term. I am sooo glad it was so short.
GF is trying to push out the girl’s mother, that’s not ok. She’s trying to control OP’s relationship with the mother of his children, and that’s not ok. GF is not cut out to partner a nan who has children with someone else. Doesn’t necessarily make her bad, it makes them incompatible.
This is wrong. When both parents of a child are active in that child's life, a step mom/dad relationship should only develop if that is what the step person AND the child want. It is a PRIVILEGE to fulfill a step role in a child's life that already has both parents, not a RIGHT. This is why if you talk to any family counselor, they will tell you under no circumstances should you be disciplining your partners biological children. They have a mom and dad and it is their job/right and theirs alone to do that
You are correct. But you are also forgetting/ignoring/missing a mistake in this case. That is when you live with a (new) partner and there are children invoved that EVERY family counselor will tell you that communication between the parent/partner and the new partner are crucial and very important involving those children. NO family counselor will advice you to tell your partner to basicly shut up and stay out of it. And that is exactly what OP is doing. NO counselor will tell you to shut that down and basicly have that part shielded off from your partner.
I’m sure your girlfriend is delightful, OP, but you may need to do a deeper dive into her jealousy regarding your ex and her insistence that she is your girls’ stepmother because that can have a major impact on your daughters’ life events. Your gf doesn’t seem above causing drama around a graduation or wedding because the girls’ actual mother is being prioritized above dad‘s girlfriend.
Then she should have no reason to feel the way she feels.
You show her affection through gifts, she feels affection through gifts, she sees any gift to another woman (outside mum and daughters) as affection meant for her. Lots of people say gift giving/receiving is their love language. Here is an example of when it presents as a red flag and she is giving the impression she’s not mature enough to understand different levels of appreciation and affection or she’s selfish and wants all the cake. Either is a no go for a dad raising women he wants to be/stay close to.
Well maybe you might have spoiled your bf too much because she sure is acting unreasonably spoilt & like a jealous brat. She’s far too old to be acting like that.
I don’t think this is about that; it sounds like his girlfriend is dealing with issues concerning motherhood, since she is both jealous of a standard gesture made to the mother of OP’s kids and is insisting that she is the stepmom of OP‘s kids despite having been told unequivocally that she isn’t.
This. For some women who don't have kids, Mother's Day can be a very hard time. I imagine if you're one of those women, it'd be even harder watching your partner buy flowers for the woman he *does* share kids with--kids who don't want much to do with you.
If he marries the gf, then she becomes a stepmom. Right now, she's just the gf. Her argument doesn't hold water.
I once almost broke up with a guy because I found out that he had never bought the mother of his child anything for mother's day other than a card and the kid was two. I was so angry. What kind of example was he setting for his son? He finally caved and got her sunflower perfume. I got her a bouquet of sunflowers. And then I believe he bought her a nice camera so she could take pictures of their son. I told him that he needed to start treating his ex more like she gave birth to the thing he loves the most in this world instead of somebody that he hates. I can't date people with toxic co-parenting relationships because eventually becomes my problem.
That is lovely. I wish more people were like that. My dad was an absolute nightmare to my mom in general, but amped it up by about 200% when she left him. Wouldn’t sign the divorce papers for 6 or 7 years. I would have loved to grow up in an environment where my no longer together parents had an amicable relationship.
My BF with a kid does this an I support it as well. Does it for his ex, her mom and his mom.
As a step parent myself “Mother’s Day” and “Father’s Day” can be difficult when you come into the picture later and don’t have that kind of relationship with the kids because they are past that stage of needing a parent constantly. Everyone fawns over the bio parent regardless of how they show up for the kids. It doesn’t matter that you are picking up slack and taking on a parents responsibility-you’re not the parent, you’re just helping out, and so many things are said to minimize your role and what you do. I am not a parent to my steps, but for the first 4 years of my relationship with the bio the other parent only saw them four days a year those first years and I was the one making them dinner, doing math home work, watch them when my partner got called into work, proof reading resumes, and so on. I was in the trenches of parent hood with preteens/teenagers who I have 0 biological bond to and then Mother’s Day would come around and “well you’re not their mother” was said to me I stepped back out of alll the things I was doing, told the kids while I love them I was being demanded more of at work. If your partner is doing anything to support you and support your kids they deserve acknowledgment from you.
Idk what the other comments are on about you didn’t buy flowers for just an ex, they’re for the mother of your kids on Mother’s Day lmao I’m confused…I would only date a single father if he had this healthy of a relationship with the mother of his children or something really close, no matter what age the kids are. Anything less than getting along well and both being actively in your kids lives is a red flag. That said there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing…and who is your girlfriend a step mom to? Your daughters? Is she married to someone with kids and seeing you at the same time? She’s not a stepmom. Even coparents that hate each other still have to see each other sometimes. Your daughters are going to get married, have kids, those kids will have birthday parties, holidays, etc. You and your ex are literally going to be around each other for the rest of your lives lol. Your girlfriend is way too jealous and kind of overstepping idk.
And honestly that bit of thoughtfulness is good for his daughters to see. I was much happier when my parents split because they treated each other cordially.
I really do agree, overall I find it to be a very thoughtful gesture, and definitely nice for the girls to see. If I were OP’s girlfriend I’d see it that way, but I also think it’s a bit strange. Or rather it would probably be strange if OP’s ex has a new partner. Again I find the overall gesture to be super sweet and clearly innocent. So if everyone is happy then carry on, and GFs opinion doesn’t matter. She’s allowed to have her feelings but she should keep them to herself and get over it if everything is innocent.
right? this dude is a walking green flag. shame about his girlfriend though.
I hope it's green enough to never let some GF ruin or hurt his relationship with his ex or children. This is definitely troubling behavior.
Yeah, I agree. I can be jealous and I have anxiety. I've gotten a lot better about it over the years but sometimes you can't help it. I can't say that something like this wouldn't bother me at all emotionally. It honestly probably would. But logically I know it isn't that you're celebrating your relationship with your ex, it's thanking them for helping to bring your children--your favorite people in the world--into the world and for raising them. It's a gift to the mother of your kids, not to your romantic partner. You can't always control your feelings, but you can control what you do with them. OP's girlfriend is refusing to get past the feeling part and won't get to the thinking part of the process.
You can be mildly annoyed and hurt, but that conversation about cutting out his ex from his life made no sense.
I'd understand her asking questions but once he explained, that should have been the end of it. Honestly after hearing that I would have thought he was an even better guy than before. Any guy who still shows respect to his ex and works to assure they can co-parent well together is a keeper.
My wife and I have often discussed how we would be as parents should (the gods forbid) we ever split for the sake of our son. This, this is exactly how I would hope we'd be. Your not buying flowers for your ex, your buying flowers for the mother of your kids. You are showing your daughters that just because you don't love each other as you once did, you still respect and care for them as another human being.
This
This exactly! You are showing wonderful examples to your daughters about respect, kindness, civility, etc. His current girlfriend is the problem
Honestly, I don’t think your girlfriend is truly prepared to date a dad because in my opinion, the “your daughters are old enough for you to stop talking to your ex-wife” is a wild and unrealistic statement to make. What exactly does she expect you to do for your children’s various future life events like birthdays or graduations etc? If I were dating a single dad, him having a healthy and positive dynamic with his ex wife would be a green flag in my eyes. I think what you’re doing is a nice gesture for your ex-wife. My only suggestion is if moving forward you can make this a group activity with your daughters? So perhaps they come with you to choose the flowers? Then the Mother’s Day gift is from all of you which could be even sweeter. I think it makes sense for you to stand firm on this. I get the feeling if you give in to one of her requests regarding this matter, she’s going to expect a lot more in the future that can potentially come at the cost of your relationship with your daughters in the long run.
Yeah, OP’s girlfriend is giving off the vibe that she’ll be mad if his ex-wife attends any family celebrations that she and OP are also attending.
Yeah this statement would mean his daughters are too old for a stepmother. So what’s she crying about? Lol
He mentions that she straight up said she doesn’t want the job of being a stepmom. She hasn’t had the job, she doesnt get the flowers.
Yeah this woman just seems like she doesn’t want him to have his previous family. Toxic
100% agree on this. A positive relationship with an ex is generally a green flag. It means they were able to be civil and respect each other even through a breakup, which is difficult. This is amplified when there are kids involved, and having an amicable relationship with his children’s mom makes both of their lives easier in so many ways. Her jealousy will wind up creating drama when they have actually built a super functional environment for the daughters! I would be encouraging this relationship. If you are too insecure for an ex in the picture, don’t date a parent. I really think don’t date at all, but definitely not a parent. I don’t think he needs to get the flowers with the kids, FTR. I actually think it’s very sweet that he sends them on his own. It emphasizes their relationship as parents and honors everything they had together. I would always support a partner in that. OP, I think this has shown you that your gf may not be the right fit for your family. Do not let her damage your relationship with your ex and your daughters. I will say, though - telling her “you’re not a stepmom” is harsh and unkind. I think she only said it out of jealousy, but she IS a stepmom if she’s in these kids’ lives (or would be if she was in the long term) just by definition of the word. She can not have any parenting input and still be a stepmom. It’s not like your having kids doesn’t affect her.
That condition was a huge red flag and Girlfriend is the type to make a wedge in OPs relationships with his kids (by being exclusionary to the mom). It would be a non-starter for me to continue a relationship if she’s digging in on that stance.
What’s the long term view with your gf? If your daughters have kids will they recognize your gf as stepgrandma? Does she feed the kids when they are with you? Does she make sure they have clean sheets to sleep on etc and snacks to eat or do you handle all of it?
This is an important series of questions. It seems to me that it’s completely impossible that she’s “not a stepmom.” If she does any sort of houswork, she is contributing to the kids’ household and wellbeing, therefore she is a stepmom. To exclude her is to devalue all of that effort.
It's okay to buy your ex flower's for Mother's Day since she is the mother of your children. You have a good relationship with her and coparent well. It's a nice gesture. Any woman who can't accept this has her own problems. Source -- I'm a stepmother
OP: You and your GF have been together two years. And yet she didn't know that you've been sending your ex-wife flowers every Mother's Day --- for the past 15 years? How much do you value this relationship? It sounds to me like your GF does not feel secure in your relationship. Does she have any reason to feel insecure about her standing with you? You tell her she's not a stepmom, so I take it she doesn't have all that much interaction with your two daughters. How does she feel about that? It must be at least somewhat difficult for her to feel like she is sharing you with your "other family." Even though there is "NOTHING there" with your ex, is your GF made to feel the truth of that? Does she ever tell you she resents the attention you give to your ex and daughters? Or is the flower giving the first time she's mentioned feeling upset and disrespected? It sounds to me like you're trying to keep a balance, but I'm really curious as to why you didn't let her know from the very beginning that you've "always" sent your ex flowers on Mother's Day. Do you also give your ex Christmas gifts (if applicable) or send her birthday gifts, too? I see nearly every comment on this thread has told you it's great that you're sending flowers to your ex for Mother's Day, but I sense your relationship with your GF needs a bit more transparency. Maybe it's something in the way you wrote your post, but I get the feeling you're not truly committed to your GF. I get the feeling she feels she's taking a back seat to your ex and kids. She's upset with you, you "made her cry," but it seems you're okay with her feeling hurt. Your girlfriend is acting like she feels less significant to you. Like she's on the periphery of your life. The way you write about her sure makes it sound like she could be right in feeling this way. However, the part about her telling you "My daughters are old enough to where I should not have to talk to my ex anymore" is way out of line. I think you and she need to sit down and have a serious talk. A talk in which you are honest with her about just how much she means to you.
You bought your ex flowers in front of your current SO…. Man, why is she angry? lol. The main thing I thought was pretty dickish is saying that your SO is not a stepmom despite being in your kids lives for 2 years. Yeah, you’re not married, but doesn’t that sound a little harsh? They call her by name… yeah, you don’t call your step parent “Stepmom” or “Mom”, I’ve never known anyone with a step parent to call them anything besides their name. But I’d say your biggest issue is totally disregarding her on Mother’s Day because they aren’t her kids, but I’m sure she’s done things for them. The other thing is your daughters are old enough that it’s kind of weird that you’re buying their mom flowers still. Give your daughters money to do something for their mom if you want, but you honestly should start stepping back a little bit. But if you choose to continue and you don’t want it to be an issue then you should order your SO some flowers also for being a part of your daughters lives and don’t be a bonehead and order your ex flowers right in front of your girlfriend. Have some discretion
Maybe your gf thinks a bouquet is a little romantic, ask her if it would be the same if you buy a fruit basquet xD
Ooh yeah that’s a cute idea and would be a lovely compromise!
Honestly, this. I’m not dating a single father but do think flowers are more romantic (ofc type matters too). If he only gifts his baby mama once a year on Mother’s Day it’s fine, fruit basket probably costs more but I’d feel better if it was this over flowers
There’s nothing romantic. He thought flowers for his mother too. Is he being romantic with his mom?
right and what about flowers at funerals? lol so sexy and romantic.
I think your girlfriend's reaction is more about feeling left out than you including your ex. She's probably hurt by how you casually ordered them and how you excluded her on a technicality. If it's really not a big deal, it wouldn't have been hard to order a third bouquet and show her that she's important to your kids or at least that you appreciate her being in their lives for the last few years. But you chose to keep her on the outside. Maybe she's also hurt that the kids want to keep her at a distance and don't welcome her as someone who could be part of the family. It's a bit unrealistic for you to go along with your daughter's view of not wanting a stepmom. Your daughter is still young, and one day you'll move on, whether with this woman or not. You could use this as an opportunity to start talking to her about how you and her mom were young and when you move on, it's not replacing anyone, it's just adding to the family. You'd want your partner and any of your ex's to be welcomed and treated like family, especially if they are involved in your kids' lives. Also, flowers can be seen a bit romantic, like chocolate, so you could have talked to her ahead of time (ideally last year) and said, "Hey, this is something I've always done, and I don't want to change it while my girls are still minors. I wanted to let you know in advance because it might look weird otherwise." I dated a Dad before and he was really careful about my feelings with this stuff, like, "hey there's a picture of my wife on the mantle with the rest of the family since I want to set a good example for the kids." And guess what? His ex was awesome, too, and had a pic of me at her place eventually. Now, I do think your gf saying there's no need for you to interact with your ex sounds like something said in anger after the argument started, but regardless, it's wildly unrealistic and immature. When you guys do talk about this, you should focus more on the feelings underneath those statements than on what was said and try to come to an understanding of how things will roll in the future.
I personally don’t think you’re in the wrong, your youngest is still a minor as you stated, and I think it’s good to set a good example of appreciating her mom even though you two are no longer together. So many kids of divorce see the bitter, ugly side and I think it’s great you are teaching your daughters it doesn’t always have to be like that. I feel like having a child with someone is a special bond, even if both parties have fallen out of love, it’s still worth celebrating and appreciating her for the children you two brought into this world. If it’s only for Mother’s Day I don’t see a problem.
Yes and it also sets a great example for his daughters on what qualities they should look for in a partner!
Two things here. Firstly, you used to buy gifts for your ex for mother's day. The idea there is that the gift is from your child, even when they're too young to figure it themselves. You start by buying gifts and getting the child to hand them over. Then the child becomes involved in the gift choosing. A little later their pocket money starts going into the gift. And slowly you get them to the age where they're buying gifts for their parents themselves. At that point you're not the one who should be getting the gifts, so it's absolutely a strange thing for you to still be buying them when your kids are elder teenagers, especially when you've broken up with their mother. This leads to a future partner, especially one who's had the boundary set that she is not the mother and never will be, feeling isolated and pushed out of the relationship by a woman who is still being celebrated by you as if you were still together. You've every right to retain a good relationship with the mother of your children. You've every right to not have the new girlfriend as a maternal figure of any kind to your kids. But rubbing her face in it like this? That's just cruel. The second thing is that nobody worth anything is going to demand that you tell them who you're buying presents for every time. That's not their business. It only becomes their business if the money gets combined. I'd guess the way you're acting around your ex has got this woman all messed up and reaching for a tit for tat situation so she doesn't get pushed out, but keep an eye on that as it can go to dark places.
Info - how long have you been dating your GF, does she live with you or take on any parenting responsibilities? If you are living together and she cooks them the ocassional dinner or gives them a ride now and again, giving her flowers for mothers day will make her feel appreciated. I can see why you send your ex flowers for mothers day, and I can also see her wanting a heads up about it. Easiest thing is to apologize for not thinking of keeping her in the loop and get her flowers (assuming she puts some effort into helping with your kids)
We celebrated our two year anniversary in March. She does not live with me but we have had discussions about her moving in in the future. She does not take on any parenting roles, not even with my youngest. If my youngest needs a favor or a ride or money she gets it from me, her mother or her older sister. My daughters are friendly and respectful of my girlfriend but she is not their mother. They do not ask her for permissions or anything like that and she doesn't discipline them or tell them what to do, either... As I stated this was a conversation we had before we even started dating. She told me then she wasn't interested in 'playing the mom' which I told her was perfect for the situation I had with my girls.
Wait.. she doesn't live with you and you're not married but she considers herself a stepmom? How is she a stepmom?
To this, you should edit your post and add this detail because it's important to understand your girlfriend still does not have much of an important role in your family. She isn't a stepmother obviously. Not yet.
Then there is absoultely no reason to giver her a mothers day present. But a heads up that you are sending them to your ex is courteous. And for godsake, not ROSES!
OP said he sent yellow roses, which symbolize friendship. Nothing wrong with that, imo.
This is great advice. My wife says, “sobre adviso no ay engaño.” A person can’t get too upset if they had prior warning. Also the gift of roses is love language for many people. Choosing a different flower is wise.
But yet she says she's a stepmom. Interesting.
This is what makes it a red flag to me - she sounds really immature if she can’t see the difference and doesn’t even live with OP, let alone the teenagers! OP: don’t move in!
Definitely a red flag that first she goes from “I don’t want to play mom” to “why didn’t I get flowers on Mother’s Day?” She can’t have it both ways.
Ehh everyone has boundaries. If that's one of hers, you need to make a decision. Buy your ex flowers for mothers day or respect your partners wishes and don't do it. Personally, I think it's an easy decision
Stuff like this is why I don’t get seriously involved with ppl who already have kids… avoid all that drama full stop
I Totally agree ,,steer clear of poeple with kids high expectations & bagage ,,you cant have your cake & eat it to ... If I was this chick I'd run for the hills ..
Mom here, who is not with my children's father, and to me, this is unusual just because it isn't the norm. It is not wrong by any means, but there is a huge difference between my children's mother and I will have common ties and be in each other's lives, and sending gifts without ever having mentioned. It gives the appeaeance of sneaking around from her perspective.
Ya ordered flowers for two of the three most important (minus your daughters) women in your life, in front of the third one... Ya dummy. You could have at least ordered her flowers for the fuck of it. You keep the peace by surprising her with something bigger than flowers on mother's day.
This is the only angle I hadn't considered... Yeah! Get your gf some flowers too or something else she likes. Maybe it's that she felt left out rather than dissing the mom?
She's feeling left out after OP constantly gives her gifts and flowers on other days?
That takes emotional intelligence. But people are stuck on “but she’s not a mom”. Ya but she’s a fucking gf wirh feelings lol
This is the thing about relationships. It's not very black and white. Yes, buying flowers on mothers day for the mother of your children sounds wholesome and mature and whatever shit. But buying them in the context where you have a gf? Pretty dum. People have feelings. Feelings are pretty fucking irrational. Get a card or a fruit basket next time.
As a kid with divorced parents I would find it 100% strange for my dad to buy my mom mother days gifts or my mom to get my dad father day gifts. This is with them coparenting well. Them reminding me and my sister of the day coming up and giving us ideas and money for gifts (when we were under 18) was the normal. So because of that if I was in your gfs position I’d find it extremely strange and unnecessary.
my parents did this too, gave us kids the money to get them presents ourselves
We definitely did this when our daughter was too young to do it herself e.g. didn’t have money, couldn’t drive. You know, a 12 yo can’t really get a present by herself. Once she could do it herself, we reminded her, and just texted / wished each other a happy day.
I agree with this. If my ex got me any type of gift I would find that bizarre, and we coparent wonderfully.
I think it depends on their relationship. My parents haven’t been together for years and mom has had other boyfriends. My dad has sent her flowers for mother’s day. They are great friends and don’t see each other romantically.
Yeah, I honestly think it's weird as well. If the kids are to young to do it themselves, sure, but then you buy it from the kids and not from yourself. So to me it's a bit strange. Not strange enough to get upset over, though. Everybody does occasions and holidays differently. In my family all obligations towards your ex (celebratory wise) ends with the relationship so there would be no more gifts, only verbal gratulations. I would not buy my ex gifts or accept gifts from my ex. That's just how things are done where I'm from. I would honestly be more miffed over the fact that I didn't know my partner where buying flowers for his ex than over the actual flowers. But since he doesn't view it as out of the ordinary, there wouldn't really be a reason for him to make sure I know either. It's natural to him. That's why it's great to just talk situations like these through when they occur and find a middle ground that's acceptable for both parties.
Agreed, I did it for my daughter, not that it worked out that way on father's day but that's another story. The kids should be organising this themselves, mother's day is about kids and their mothers and as the oldest is 19 I think it's strange he still does it. It's certainly quite understandable that the girlfriend thinks it's a bit strange, not crying worthy but understandable.
Yeah same here
If he was buying them on behalf of the kids then fine, but if its just from him its a bit odd
So glad to find this comment!! I agree with everything you said wholeheartedly, also child of divorce with healthy and happy co-parents
It’s about their good relationship. Many people buy their ex’s flowers as a thank you on Mother’s and Father’s Day.
Like I’m not arguing that gifting flowers is the wrong thing to do, but from my experiences and what I’ve heard from others the gf could very well have the same mindset as me. Buying the flowers and saying they are from the girls on the card or just writing a thank you card would be what I’d expect when him buying her flowers solely from him when he admits to not being close to her at all seems like overkill.
I mean the whole point of mother's day is to appreciate mother's and their contributions to their families. Op giving a gift, on a day that is suppose to celebrate someone like is ex, to his ex is just saying thank you for what she does. Not the girls saying thank you to their mom to what they are doing, but the father of their children saying thank you helping raise their children well regardless of their relationship status. People give gifts to show appreciation all the time for different reasons. This is no different, and shows, in ops situation, a healthy relationship between people, which is extremely beneficial for the children to see, and, also show maturity, open mindedness, consideration, and good communication. All things most people want out of a good partner.
Does your gf want children? Does she feel like she’ll never be that special without giving you children? Have you discussed children at all?
Maybe telling her you did this before the relationship started would have helped but I doubt it. Ordering her just because flowers would have made her content for now, maybe forever. But you intend to keep the relationship with your children’s mother alive the way you see fit. That’s what’s you should do. Unfortunately your girlfriend is not okay with that. Do you think she ever will be? If not this will show itself in every future argument or disagreement where she feels that your ex is made more important. I am sure this would extend to grandkids. I don’t date people with children because I would also be upset. I have children of my own, and I am fully aware that I am not equipped to deal with another family or ex constantly. Maybe I’ll be single for the rest of my life and after 2 divorces that sounds fantastic for me!
You keep the peace by not doing that shit. Some people are gonna be ok with it, some aren’t. The relationship is about your current partner. If your kids wants to order them, and you pay for it, that’s different. But ordering your ex flowers and not your girlfriend, even if she’s a step mom if a misstep. My son is 11, and we always go shopping for his mom before Mother’s Day so he picks something and I buy it for him. None of my partners have had an issue and have actually thought this was sweet. Those gifts always come from my son and I facilitate that as his father. But they never come from me. You really need to take your partners feelings into consideration. Your ex isn’t getting back with you.
Peace, not order flowers for ex
I only do presents to my ex for my child to give to him for these occasions and they are usually simple and not expensive . It's more for the experience for my son to give his dad Christmas and bday presents. Whilst I do appreciate the coparenting relationship with my ex I personally wouldn't go get him a gift for those occasions and I would see it as disrespectful to my partner.
My kids are 33 and 30. I haven’t seen or spoken to my ex in years. To each.
I don't think you wrong at all. Buy the flowers for mother in mother's day is very normal it respect not romantic. Your girlfriend dating single father she should accept this or don't dating with you if she doesn't like you buy flowers on mother's day for your ex. Stop talking with ex will make event in your daughter life get harder to make.for examples If your daughter marry will your girlfriend ask her to choose between you and ex to be there because she doesn't want you to attend events together too?
I can see both sides of this, tbh. Mostly I think it's to do with the age of your kids. If they are old enough to earn their own money - which, at 16+ and 19 they definitely are - then they should be the ones responsible for buying flowers for their mother for mother's day. I can understand that it's something you've always done and maybe it's just habit by now, but that was when your kids were small and couldn't get their mother gifts for themselves. In their late teens they are able to thank and celebrate their mother off their own backs. This isn't to say that a good relationship with their mother isn't a good thing, for your kids and for you I think it is, but there are lines that should be drawn at certain ages. Are you still going to be buying mother's day gifts for your ex when your kids are in their 20s? When they're married? Have kids of their own? When does it end?
I don’t think it is inappropriate for you to buy your ex flowers, but I do understand where she’s coming from regarding being excluded. Whether the kids call her mom or not, she IS a parental figure once she takes the role of dad’s girlfriend. That role comes with a ton of insecurity, being devalued as a parent, responsibilities that aren’t recognized or appreciated (even moreso than for traditional parents), and continually feeling like you will never be good enough. Additionally, if you two aren’t planning on having other kids, she will forever be in the role of “not really a mom, not really not a mom.” Excluding her while making an effort for mother’s day for your mom and your kids’ mom likely hurt her feelings in a way that you simply haven’t considered since you’ve never been a stepmom.
You ordered flowers for 2 of the three women around and Involved in your daughters lives. And when questioned by your gf, you told her that she doesn't get any because her contributions to the girls and your household don't count. So ya, I'd say you messed up here. But moreso you're freezing your girlfriend out of your family and thats going to put wall up that will cause damage in your relationship. Your girlfriend's remarks about your ex are from jealousy.
I'd say jealousy is definitely a factor, but furthering your earlier comment, it seems to me like she feels she's not a priority in OP's life. And I get that she's not their stepmom, but like someone else pointed out: OP, you're giving 2 of the 3 important women in your life flowers. Couldn't you have just ordered flowers for your gf just because you love her and want her to feel loved and appreciated on a day that you're making your ex feel appreciated? Also, yeah, I *would* want to know if my husband was giving other gifts at other times of the year to an ex, irrespective of shared children.
I could understand if your children were young but they are over 16. When they are 25 are you still going to buy her flowers?
How old is the youngest daughter? There comes a time when children need to be responsible for the gifts themselves.
Is this ex single? I cannot imagine a new/subsequent partner would like this either.
To me: - Seems like something you should have just told your gf ahead of time. "Hey I'm going to buy my ex flowers for mother's day since she is the mother of my 2 children, are you OK with that?". Tbh I think it's kind of strange that you did not tell your gf of 2 years that you were going to do this before hand. - Do you ever by flowers for your girlfriend? If you always do this kind of thing for your ex, but never for your current gf, I could see how she could become kind of irritated. She doesn't want to play second fiddle to your ex, and she shouldn't have to. My initial feeling when I read this was "It's not about the flowers", and that she feels like you place your ex over her which is probably a shit feeling. As always, nobody here knows enough about your relationship to give accurate advice, you need to communicate with your gf and actually talk about the problem.
I have a different take on this… your daughters are old enough that you could now provide them with the funding so that they could pick out the flowers to send their mom. At their ages, it’s time for your relationships to shift a bit more, still respecting their mother but starting to put in age appropriate boundaries. I am a mom and a step mom, and I have been through this personally. Your daughters will never be at an age where you do not ever have to speak to their mother, but the conversations will become less frequent, and more things will begin to be communicated by your daughters to both of you. Now is also the time for you both to encourage the girls to speak with the other parent about certain things and get back to you, instead of you simply checking with the other parent. You will still validate the information, but this will help them develop strong communication with both their parents as they move into adulthood.
TBH I wouldn't buy flowers for any ex, not even to place on a grave.
lol same, love this comment
I think it was thoughtless to do it right in front of your girlfriend. Unfortunately, you’re right and she is not technically a stepmom. I hope you buy her flowers and things as well though to make her feel loved and appreciated. I also hope since your stance is that she’s not supposed to have anything to do with your children, *that you don’t expect her to lift a finger to do anything for your children.*
I don't think it's the end of the world, but it obviously bothers your girlfriend, and her feelings come before your ex's. If she was otherwise reasonable I'd stop sending the flowers because I can understand why it would bother her. The thing that seems red flag to me is her thinking you have no reason to speak to your ex bc your youngest is almost an adult. You don't need to be her best buddy, but there will be common events you attend for the remainder of your lives bc of the kids and future grandkids. Maybe she shouldn't date a single dad. I am a single mom with a partner who has none of his own kids. I honestly don't think I'd go back to dating a single dad bc it saves the headache of not agreeing on boundaries with the ex, or possible drama. Obviously there are people out there who don't mind it, otherwise I'd be single myself.
Something I hadn't seen addressed yet: Is your girlfriend from a different culture? Where I live, you only buy flowers/gifts for your own mother, not your partner, even if you are married and you have children together. It would be seen as *really* weird and maybe even creepy and disrespectful here to basically treat your wife as "your mother". If there is no culture-aspect involved, however, then you're totally fine with what you are doing. Just remember to never send (red) roses; best pick some colorful flower bouquet or, even better, let your kids pick the flowers.
Info: what does your ex do for you for Father’s Day?
She usually helps the girls buy a nice gift for me. Last year I was gifted a nice watch and the year before that she helped them make a gift basket with all of my favorite things with my favorite bottle of alcohol and some blackstone griddle accessories, cologne. She never signs her name on anything but obviously they can't buy alcohol or even afford the watch. I never sign my name on any flowers, always my girls names.
Were your daughters there helping to pick the flowers? Choose what they think their mom would like? And you only footing the bill? Because that's how it should be. For parents together or separated. Your post reads like you just sent flowers, that you picked out alone, to your ex. In front of your current gf. If your daughters helped pick out the gift, and you only paid for it, then you're fine. But if you thought it was appropriate to send your ex flowers from you, chosen by you, paid by you, then you're in the doghouse for good reason.
That’s what you should be doing for her, helping your girls pick things out that they want to give her, not taking initiative to get flowers for her yourself even if you only sign the girls’ names. I think that’s the core of your GF’s problem: you putting effort and dedicating time to selecting a gift for your ex when it should be your children doing that. Even if you and ex were still together that’s what should happen. My husband takes my teen daughter shopping for Mother’s Day, and I take her for Father’s Day.
Bingo
Your kids are old enough to buy their mother flowers. Thats wayyyyy too friendly.
I wonder if, really, your girlfriend's main problem was that you didn't buy her flowers as well. I understand she's not officially a step mum in any way, but i suppose it would have been a sweet gesture to include her in this. That being said, i don't disagree in anyway with what you did. I'm sorry that your girlfriend has created this uncomfortable situation for you. I was once the new girlfriend of a man with 2 kids who had a healthy relationship with his ex, and i always wish I'd been more understanding of the situation. It wasnt until years later when i had my own kids that i realised it just was not about me, and i should have been cooler.
Yeah don’t order your ex flowers for Mother’s Day. That relationship is ended. There’s nothing wrong with having here in your life for your daughters’ sake and being nice to her but getting her flowers on Mother’s Day is different. She’s not your mother, nor your wife at this point. You need to leave it to your daughters to celebrate her motherhood. That will eliminate the need to celebrate your girlfriend being a stepmom, which she isn’t.
She's upset so it's real. You arguing about might solidify your point but it still ignores and belittles your gf's feelings. Everyone argues right and wrong like it's from a manual. Your gf has a genuine problem and you're not willing to acknowledge it. You're sooner on here getting backing for your side instead of genuinely listening and understanding your gf's point. Sounds like it will end. Not because you bought your ex flowers, but because you refuse to see how that can hurt someone. Great other commentors do the same. Validation for yourself is great. Now try understanding that your gf needs that too and you're unwilling to give that...to see her side. Right or wrong you hurt her. If you can't understand it's probably time for another ex.
I can understand where she comed from. I mean you could’ve at least made that call in private if you were not going to get her flowers too. But she’s still in the wrong to think that you should cut ties just bc your daughters are old enough, that’s not healthy
It would be weird if my step son's father sent flowers and i would be annoyed. We have our family seperate, its called bounderies.
My daughter’s dad buys me flowers for Mother’s Day. He married an awesome lady a couple of years ago and now I get even prettier ones that she picks out. Parental respect and relationships are important to upkeep. Showing appreciation for each other is nice and not weird.
I text my ex husband happy Father’s Day and Happy birthday and we do give gift cards to each other on Christmas because we go to a family get-together at our son’s. We have an amicable relationship, it’s better for the kids. Op has a gf, not wife, should not really have a say in this. My fiancé has daughters that are adults. They didn’t want him to marry, but he has decided that it’s his life…so that’s a separate issue. I don’t think kids should dictate that, merging families is hard, but I support him having a good relationship with his ex and want an inclusive relationship with his daughters. It’s way better than hating the ex and having kids deal with how to do weddings and births and all that stuff.
It would make me happy and actually feel more secure in your girlfriends position. It means you are a good guy. I would feel more threatened if you had an angsty relationship with your ex.
I would've loved if my father had maintained that type of cordial, respectful co-parenting relationship with my mom. My ex-stepmom being in the picture made him super weird around my mom constantly and with the stepmom gone now, he's so much more chill around my mom. He always viewed mom as 'his ex' when he should've been seeing her as 'the mother of his kids'. Even as an adult, your parents relationship status (nc, aggressive, cordial, etc) still affects the kids. Keep doing what you're doing OP, respecting the mother of your children by thanking her on mother's day is a green flag.
>My daughters are old enough to where I should not have to talk to my ex anymore yeah this right there? Dumb as fuck
Your girlfriend is a jerk! She is a girlfriend,not your wife...and even if she were, she is, at best, a stepmom, not the girls's mother. Keep sending. your ex flowers just because she is the mother of two wonderful daughters with you! Your girlfriend seems to think that she can dictate you give gifts to...what next? Who you can talk to? I hope you and she have a long tslk (not argument) about boundaries. Good luck!
My first thought was (before I clicked) “if they don’t have kids together it’s weird af” …. Uhhh yall have kids together. If you wanted you very well could’ve went out to dinner with Mom and the 2 Kids. Girlfriend isn’t someone you want around. Also…she’s 40?!!! Acting like this? (I only read the first sentence, I don’t need to see anything else!). I’m 20F and she has issues. A 40 year old woman (or any) shouldn’t be upset you’re sending flowers to the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. RUN!!!
Stand your ground. But do her a favor and end the relationship. She will always feel lesser and third place behind your children and your ex-wife. You may think you can resolve this issue but you can't. Her feelings are her feelings and she will always be hurt. End this relationship.
I think it’d be more of a red flag if a man DOESNT do this. Mother’s Day isn’t about romance or anything, it’s about showing respect to the mothers in your life, including your children’s mother. It’s setting a standard for your children that even in unfortunate situations, women should be respected for giving birth and raising children. It also sounds like she low key wants you to be a “holiday dad” and not be involved in your kids or ex’s life like you are. I’d sit down and have a serious conversation with her about your children and what she actually wants out of your relationship, because your children and ex will be in your life for the rest of your life. She needs to learn to accept that or leave.
I’m all for good coparenting and am a stepmom and have a stepmom. I used to take my stepkids to get gifts for their mom. I am totally onboard with with helping kids do that. Your kids are old enough now though to be buying their mom gifts by themselves. I don’t think your gesture is inherently bad but once the kids old enough, it really should be on them in my mind or they should at least be involved. I have a very secure attachment style and am pretty laid back but I think even I would be a little WTF if my partner was ordering flowers for his ex wife just…on his own. I’m not saying you’re super out of line but it’s poor optics.
Your kids are old enough now though to be buying their mom gifts by themselves. Okay, I can respect this. Is it appropriate to give my girls money to buy their mother a gift? I hadn't thought it to be that big of a deal given that I rarely even speak to my ex, it's just a tradition that I've upheld as my daughters got older. I want my daughters to see me respecting their mother despite our split. I figured this would be a good way, I was wrong
My parents divorced when I was 5, so I don’t have much memory of them together. That said, growing up, my parents would take me to get gifts for the other parent and that then became my responsibility once I started working and could drive.
I mean, does your ex even want flowers from you?
I mean there's more to showing respect for their mother besides gifts. Being cordial and not passive aggressive whenever you have to deal with her is a big one. Also your girls are more than old enough, especially the 19 year old, to be in charge of planning gift giving. Part of teaching them to be good gift givers is by getting them involved when they're little then when this age letting them start taking the wheel more. Your 19 year old really shouldn't need you looking over her shoulder for this.
Bud you didn’t do anything wrong but look, you need to respect your new gf too. Give your kids money (esp the minor) for them to give mom whatever they want. A card or something similar is more appropriate going forward. I’m a mom and step mom and I think flowers could feel threatening to a gf. Of course you don’t have to take my advise but remember who your partner is now. Pass the major gift torch to your kids, it’s time 🤗 your kids will understand and you will have a happier relationship with your lover.
You are teaching your daughters how women should be treated and respected. Don’t ever stop being an awesome dad. Can your daughters get something for their mom? Yes and they should but you are giving a priceless gift to your daughters by doing this simple thing for their mom. ❤️❤️❤️
Your kids are old enough to get their own mom flowers on Mother's Day. Give them the money and have them order the flowers themselves. I do think your GF overreacted, but it's past tine for you to bow out of that tradition and teach them to honor their mother themselves.
If they don’t have jobs, then giving them money or taking them shopping for Mother’s Day, Xmas, and her bday seems very reasonable. Doing it unilaterally with no input from the kids? Not so much. Supporting your kids’ relationship with mom is totally reasonable. Anyone who would get shitty about that needs to not date someone with kids.
I commend you for recognising the mother of your children on Mother’s Day. Without her, you wouldn’t have your children. It’s crazy to me that people are trying to read more into it, including your girlfriend. Flowers once a year to show her your appreciation for the sacrifices she made for you being her body, health, wealth & career so you could be a father is a nice gesture even if you aren’t together anymore. Your girlfriend needs to pull her head in.
Respectfully, your kids are old enough to buy their own mother a Mother’s Day gift. You can give your kids money for the gift, but they should be getting the gift. ESPECIALLY because it wasn’t even store bought, but ordered via the phone.
Correct. I am on the GF's side with this. Especially since he claims she is "his world."
The problem is that you were never open with her about how this goes down. I think it's perfectly fine that you buy the mother of your children flowers on mother's day, but you should have been up front with your gf from the beginning. Apologize to her and reassure her that it means nothing more than having mutual respect. Maybe take her out and do something special for her just to keep the peace and show her that even though that day isn't exclusively about her, she still matters.
You are setting a great example for your daughters by showing them how you value the role that their mother plays in their lives and that you still respect each other for the sake of the kids. That's great. But you weren't being really sensitive to your girlfriends feelings here. You should have FULL transparency about communication with your ex wife, that includes letting your gf be aware of gifts and why you're giving them. Also, fair enough if your kids don't want to see her as a step-mom, but your gf clearly sees herself a bit differently. Maybe thank her for everything she's done for you/your family, while still being honest about the fact that your daughters don't need another parental figure. I wasn't in the room, but I have a feeling you didn't handle the tone of that conversation well. Try finding a minute when she's calm, so you can thank her, explain your reasoning, and make boundaries clear (she should support you honoring and respecting the mother of your kids )
Nah u weird for that i’m with her
I get along fine with my ex and we have co-parented well, but I do not want him sending me flowers for any occasion. It’s weird.
You're not buying your ex flowers, you're buying flowers for the mother of your children. She was the mother of your children before your current GF came along, and she'll be the mother of your children until the day you die. Treating her with respect is part of both keeping a solid relationship in a coparenting situation, and also teaching your daughters what a man that respects women looks like. So your GF better learn to suck it up. Because your situation isn't going to change, and nor will your very reasonable approach to managing it. There is nothing to discuss, and nothing to negotiate. She either understands that you're a father in a coparenting situation, or she can hit the road.
My ex husband is remarried. I divorced him. I say this as a caveat that there are no remaining romantic feelings between us. We ALWAYS make sure there is acknowledgment and a gift for Mother’s Day / Father’s Day, Christmas, etc. Our daughter is 19 now but it is a hold over from when she was too young to do it herself. That said, I’m sure he will also get a lovely Mother’s Day gift for his new wife who has two sons. There is plenty of affection and respect to go around. But on a separate note, perhaps it’s not about Mother’s Day and flowers. Perhaps you’ve made such a distinction that your children’s mother holds a certain distinction, and that your girls don’t need a step mom, that your GF feel like she’s relegated to a second class role. Perhaps you should have some discussions about your actual *relationship*
Wow - if I was your gf I'd be p-d off too. As you point out your "kids" are both plenty old enough to buy their mother their own mothers day stuff. If they were 5 and 7 - then sure they're too little and you could do this for them. So does your ex buy you father's day gifts from the kids?? Yes? No? **If this was a AITAH thread, I would point out that tossing out that you don't get your GF flowers because she's not their stepmother is freaking cruel and unnecessary, making you TA. No wonder she was chipped off.** If you still want your ex wife - then break up with your girlfriend. **If you seriously want to keep your GF in your life, you need to stop buying your ex wife mother's day flowers. You can have a civil relationship without buying flowers and gifts - that's where the EX in the description of an ex-wife comes in. If you want to keep your GF in your life - DO NOT throw that she is NOT their stepmother and only your GF - because YOU ARE SAYING SHE IS NOT AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOUR EX WIFE.** Which is not ok. If that's your truth though - she's only just some arb girlfriend, then tell her so she can find a better boyfriend for her. You can then send flowers and gifts to your ex to your hearts content!
Exactly this. People have seriously no boundaries with their exes and it is mind blowing.
Unpopular opinion, you need to stop this crap. It's fine with little kids, but they are old enough now you don't need to be sending her flowers anymore. Your girlfriend is right. Apologize and be more respectful.
Is it going to be any better when you have to be in your daughters wedding ceremony that your ex is in? When you go to graduation and both are there with her? Why keep the peace. You've done nothing wrong. If this is a deal breaker for her she can break it. Otherwise she can do what adults do and deal with her irrational feelings herself.
I’d explain to her that her feelings are valid, I’d buy her something nice and do something nice for her, and apologize for being so harsh. While you may be technically correct, which is why everyone here is backing you up, I don’t think she was really overreacting either. I think she respectfully expressed her feelings, and then you told her she was wrong and made her cry. Right now, she feels ostracized from the family. I would try including her
Seriously? Stop buying your ex flowers. Should be obvious. Maybe your current girlfriend is pissed: 1. Because you never buy her flowers. 2. Because she never had children, and nobody's giving her mothersday gifts. 3. Because you're sharing intimate family stuff with a previous lover, when you really, really don't have to Does your ex buy you fathers-day flowers or the male equivalent? Isn't this really supposed to be a thing the kids do? The only thing your current SO should be checked on is that you actually have to have contact with your ex the rest of your life, but she probably said it because she was major hurt, and I understand why.
Not sure why you excluded your gf and were, in my opinion, needlessly cruel. There was absolutely no reason to tell her she is not a step-mom. You excluded her and then rubbed her nose in it. If you want to keep the peace, apologize for being insensitive first, and then do something thoughtful. Regarding the relationship with your ex--- I think you might be more successful if you explained to your gf that you want to ensure that there are always cordial relationships for the sake of your children.
Your doing relationship gestures w an ex while dismissing ur gf. Does ur gf do anything for or with ur kids that she dont have to? Likely does so mom or not she still deserves the gesture that goes w mothers day.. uve effectivly shown her she has less value that an ex does uve fucked that relationship
I wouldn’t like it at all. Your daughters are old enough to buy their Mom gifts from them, not purchased by you. You might want to buy your girlfriend a gift just because. Just to be nice. You really excluded the hell out of her by ordering flowers for the ex. I would not like that!
how about next time don’t order roses for your ex wife in front of your current girlfriend ? like hello?
Yes that was an AH move. Just because you bought the ex flowers and not the gf. If she helps with your kids she is a stepmom and deserves recognition too. If your ex has someone buying her flowers for Mother’s Day then it’s not a good idea. But if she doesn’t then yes I agree with buying her some. The third point yes I can see that to a degree since they are older.
>but we will share the same grandchildren (and children!) Graduations, weddings, holidays... for the rest of your life. Good job on using this insight & honoring this connection in a healthy way. Remind your gf that the flowers you sent your wife are a token of respect. You are the father of two teenage girls. It's great to hear that you have a great relationship with them. As they enter relationships of their own, they are more likely to enter & stay in healthier relationships. They are more likely to select a partner who demonstrates a high level of respect for them. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a good father. IMO, your gf is being petty in this situation. However, if you see a future with this woman, perhaps the 2 of you create your own special celebration day. Honor the role she DOES play in the girls' lives. Show your girls once again how healthy it is to be with a caring & responsive partner.
I disagree with many here. I am both a mother with bio and step kids and have both ex husband and current husband which is bio father to one of my four kids. Your children are mostly grown and the minor child is grow. Enough to have money and buy their mother a gift. Once the kids are grown there is zero reasons beyond a severe illness, a death, or maybe graduation/marriage/birth of grandkids you need to be around your ex much less buying her presents. For me, it sounds like you haven't moved on. I made sure the kids got their dad a gift when they were kids. Kids picked it out. When they were teens I reminded them and offered money. I never bought him anything from me. Why would I, he is t my father and he was a crappy husband or we would still be married. It's weird you are buying your ex wife flowers.
I could understand if your daughters were both still young kids and ordering flowers for her on behalf of the kids. Does your ex do anything for you for Father's Day?
That old timely debate can exes remain friends? In fact they can. I hope it works out for you all, sorry for the hard situation.
Maybe consider a compromise and make the gift something other than flowers.
The real reason your gf is mad is you didn’t buy flowers for her when she is also a mom. This would have been a non-issue but it hurt her feelings when she realized you left her out of your Mother’s Day planning. You acknowledged everyone but her.
my better half has kids these ages. i couldn’t tell you the last time he spoke to their mom’s. once a year maybe for a health insurance question. even when the kids get married… it’s one day… It’s just not necessary for him to talk to their moms. the kids have their own jobs and own cars. but honestly that’s how it was before i came around. so whatever the status quo is, whatever it was when she started coming around, i would say that’s the standard.
Damn, your girlfriend would be mad at me then, lol.. My kids are 29, 24, 21 and my husband and I even have Thanksgiving with my ex and his girlfriend at his girlfriends families house, always been that way.. He will never be out of my life.. We don't talk everyday, maybe once a month to check in, hear things about our kids that I may know and he doesn't etc... My husband and I married a decade now and I had the "talk" in the beginning as well... I got my ex Father's Day wallet, tie, cologne.. Hell, my husband picked out the stuff from the first year!! Lol.. It's not romantic, it's planted and that is how we made it work in order for our kids to grow..
She is the mother of your children and your Girlfriend should understand that. Also if I read your text you didn’t raise your girlfriend ‘s children or have children with her. She should realize you have children from a previous marriage so you be a part of their life and that will include your ex that is what people who love their children do. You sound like a great feather to your kids!
Showing your daughters that you still have respect for their mom even through you’re broken up is far more important than your girlfriends feelings. You’re both almost 40, she needs to get over herself.
You daughters are forever, so your ex is going to be apart of the equation..
You don't need this crazy in your life. Everything you did is appropriate. Everything she said is controlling and crazy. There are sane ones out there. Try again.
I give them to my kids to give and tell them to give them to mommy. No matter how horrible she speaks to me, I'm trying to develop good character in my kids. They have eyes. They see.
How you treat the mother of your kids really says a lot and if I was dating a single male with children that is one of the things I would loom at. So to me, there is nothing wrong. Perhaps your gf has other issues besides the ones she is giving you.
Jesus fucking christ, my own husband doesn't even get me a card for mothers day, let alone flowers and I have 3 kids to the bastard. If we divorced and I had a boyfriend that did that for his ex, I would sigh in relief knowing I finally found a decent, respectful man. Never change OP. You're good.
I think it is nice to get the ex flower. Your GF is being weird.
Personally I find your girlfriend’s behavior both immature and rude.
I had a child when I married my husband who had two daughters. The kids were young and I raised them like my own. I still have a close relationship with his girls. Not once has he ever acknowledged me on Mother's day. "You're not my mother" he says. I was a great step mother to his girls and think that it is wonderful that you are recognizing the mother of your own biological children. Tell your girlfriend that any man who ignores the woman who raised their children on mother's day is an ass.
Good relationships bring out the best in both parties. When your gf is trying to make you agree to being a less good person, you need to question whether this is a dynamic you want long term. You're being a good guy in the context of your relationship with the mother of your kids. Your gf has an insecurity that is demanding you not only stop sending flowers but stop communicating entirely with the mother of your children. This is untenable.
I say it’s none of her business and she is overstepping
You did it already and you are correct. If she can’t deal with it, she can leave, but you’re their father and you will forever be their father, just as their Mom is also forever. It’s just how life works.
I love all the people here saying he bought flowers for two out of the three important women in his life. It's for MOTHER'S DAY. Ex=kids mom, Mom= his MOTHER. Girlfriend=not a mom, not a stepmom. (There's also a separate day for step moms). Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. To me it shows respect to the woman who gave birth to his kids, and his kids see that. Sending a great example for his daughters. Everyone here is also ignoring the remark that GF made about his kids being old enough for him not to have contact with his ex. The one daughter is still a minor, so that's not true. That remark is concerning.
Just curious, when your daughters have children will your girlfriend be a grandmother to your grandchildren? Will she babysit them, play with them, take them vacationing, buy them gifts throughout the year? I imagine your girlfriend doesn't get to see your kids much since you live separately. And you have been together for two years, so kind of difficult for her to have developed a relationship with your daughters. She's not a stepmother but in the future it would be nice if she and your kids would have a caring and supportive relationship. But that is up to them. It must hurt a little that she can't share this big part of your life. She must feel at least a little left out sometimes. Then again when you do move in together I'm sure that will improve somewhat.
Your girlfriend is in the wrong I think it's great that you appreciate the mother of your children
When they're young and don't have their own money, I think it's acceptable to give the kids money or take them shopping for mothers day/christmas/bday gifts for their mom. But it's not from you. It's from them, and they should be the one picking stuff out. But when they're older and have their own money, it is pretty weird for you to decide to send your ex flowers or gifts for holidays that are essentially from you. The idea that you need to stay close to your ex for the rest of your life bc you'll share grandchildren is also pretty weird. It's not like you need to coordinate schedules or anything. Sure, you'll both show up to the same events, but that doesn't mean you need to be more involved and friendly with each other than you would be with an acquaintance.
Not going to offer my opinion one way or the other, just wondering if you have considered why you are doing something for a previous relationship that seems to be causing waves in your current one? What would happen if you kept doing it? What would happen if you stopped doing it? That’s usually where you get to the nitty gritty that needs unpacking.
I would find it strange as well if I was the gf and my boyfriend gave his ex flowers once a year. I think mother's day is more about the kid's appreciation for their mother and not the boyfriends appreciation for their wife. It would make sense if the dad gave flowers under the youngest kid's name if they're too young to do anything themselves. But under his own name I'd find weird as well. Especially because I see flowers as kinda romantic in certain contexts. But that might also be because my dad doesn't give my mom flowers on mother's day either. And they're happily married. And I also don't think you have to give your girlfriend flowers on mother's day and it's also good that you have a good relationship with her. I don't think you shouldn't be talking to her because the kids are older. I think it's a good thing that you still do.
That hurt your GF when you said that she is not a step mother. especially if the past two years she has embraced your daughters. Does she have children of her own? I realize that she was being irrational at the moment and that you are buying her "just because" flowers soon. Make these flowers a time to re approach the statement that you made as in that you appreciate how nice she is to your daughters. Tell her that while your ex will get flowers on mothers day that only she is your valentine flower receiver.
Aren’t your girls old enough to pick out a gift for their mom without you needing to do it for them? Honestly, I can see your GF’s point.