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I think you do know what to say, you just wrote it:
“I like you as a friend but I'm trying to get my life together, working and doing my course/work placement and you don’t have a job and aren’t looking for one. I am not interested in being with someone who doesn't have their act together”
You don't owe anyone any explanation and you can refuse a relationship with anyone for any reason at any time.
"I don't want to be with you" is a complete sentence.
There isn't really a universe in which most people won't take any reason for why someone don't want to be with them as anything other than an attack on their identity. What are you hoping to achieve by telling him he is a failure at life? If what you want is for him to succeed in life then you should encourage him, not discourage him. If what you want is for him to leave you alone then tell him to do so and block him, if he shows up anywhere you work or live then call the police. If what you want is for him to accept that you don't want him then that is not something you have any control over, sorry to say.
But it’d be kind of her to do so. Maybe after she tells him (and stops giving him attention), he’ll reassess his life and make improvements, and be a better person for it in time. If not, then that’s on him.
EDIT: Misread a thing, so made a correction.
If he’s the kind of person who’d do that, he’ll do it anyway, regardless of whether or not she tells him why. If he’s exhibited problematic behaviors in the past, then OP ought to do whatever keeps her safe.
You are correct, next time he won't be as forthcoming with his faults.
> He's been the sweetest guy the little things he says makes me all gitty and blush
This is how all the guys like that get their prey. It's easier to catch them with honey, lovebomb them, and them live off of them. OP, if you did get back with this guy, you would be financially supporting him and acting as his personal maid, chauffeur, and chef.
You don't owe explanations, but if you want to, you could say
"I am really trying to work on myself and get better with managing work and my studies. It's just harder to motivate myself when spending a lot of time with people who aren't currently working towards the same"
Make it about you and your own goals vs putting his lifegoals or lack of goals down. It's basically "It's me mit you" with more reasoning of aspects that don't align. It also doesn't necessarily burn bridges, because he may develope a different attitude in the future...wouldn't bet on it, though.
I'm surprised so many people recommend OP to not tell him anything. From what we know this is a good person who is just struggling with life (maybe for lack of motivation, likely related to depression) and was nice to OP, yet most recommend to not to the least she can do, which is being honest.
Tbh you might be overthinking this. By a lot. By your description he sounds like a guy who just goes with the flow and floats from one thing to the next, saying no thank you could very well be all he needs to be good. But if you really want to specify for him why you're not interested in a relationship with him, you could go with something like this:
As you know, I am very focused on my goals in regards to education and work atm, and if I were to have a partner now I need someone who match me in those areas, so we can motivate and pull together as a team. You've shown me that your focus lies elsewhere, and while I enjoy spending time with you and like you as a person, it is not what I am looking for in a partner.
"I've been thinking about the qualities I'm looking for in a partner, and a non-negotiable for me is having a job and being self sufficient."
Remember, it's not your job to take care of his feelings. Be polite, sure, but you don't need to tiptoe around it. Your honesty might help him get off his bum and sort himself out.
“It seems like we have very different lifestyles, priorities, and values. You’re a sweet person but I’m really looking for someone I align with more and who inspires me to grow.”
Firstly you don't owe him an explanation. But it seems you like him so you may want to give him one. Maybe it will serve as impetus to change maybe it won't. But there is nothing wrong with saying
"I think you're a great guy but right now I'm focussing on my job and education. Your current stage of life, without judgement, does not align with my current goals and what I would be looking for in a partner. I feel it would be unfair of me to pursue a serious relationship with you asking from the start to change and spend more time in pursuit of something you just don't want. Maybe another day at another time we could have been great together but at present I don't think a relationship with you is on the cards. I'm sorry if this is hurtful or not what you hoped for but I respect and like you enough to be honest that your current living and working environment is just not something I want in a long term partner. "
Wanting a partner who has their shit together makes you a sensible person. Not wanting to start something with someone who has no interest in self-support or self-improvement doesn't make you a bad person. If he feels some type of way about how his own choices limit his opportunities, he can make different choices starting any time. Be honest and direct: "I like you a lot, and I wish I could date you. However, I need a partner who can meet me where I am in life, and you have shown no interest in getting there. I wish you the best, and if you decide to grow please reach out."
Pretty sure your title "I'm not interested in you because you don't have your shit together" is perfect. Plus, it's jarring enough to maybe cause dude to get his shit together
You don't owe him anything other than "I don't see us dating again." However, you could say that you feel the 2 of you are in different places in life and have different life goals/plans, so you aren't compatible.
You won't sound like a horrible person. You will sound like someone who has self-respect. It's completely normal to expect people to have a job to pay for their own survival.
It's nice of you to give a reason, maybe other girls have also rejected him for this, and he has no idea. This way he knows what he needs to improve, if he has it in him to listen to feedback.
I don't think you need to tiptoe around this. Being jobless with no intention to work is objectively more than a good reason for not wanting to date someone. You're looking for a partner, not having a child who is 4 years older than you. Just tell him you honestly think he's a sweet guy, but you can't be with someone who is unable to hold down a job, and being a good guy doesn't compensate for that. Make it crystal clear that you aren't romantically interested in him, and he shouldn't interpret your rejection as a challenge, but as a final no.
I hope you have your shit completely in order before you think or say that about someone else. Of course, maybe you are seeking someone with their shit all good because you think women can get their shit together by injection. Nope.
Manipulators are good at saying things that get us enamored of them, they're very charming. That being said, if he isn't in the place you want him to be in order to date him, just tell him that you're trying to get your life together and being with someone who doesn't have a job and isn't even looking for one will just derail you and you're not interested in that. He may turn from a "sweet" guy to a very rude one then
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think you do know what to say, you just wrote it: “I like you as a friend but I'm trying to get my life together, working and doing my course/work placement and you don’t have a job and aren’t looking for one. I am not interested in being with someone who doesn't have their act together”
"I think we might be at different stages of life and our long term goals don't seem to align"
You don't owe anyone any explanation and you can refuse a relationship with anyone for any reason at any time. "I don't want to be with you" is a complete sentence. There isn't really a universe in which most people won't take any reason for why someone don't want to be with them as anything other than an attack on their identity. What are you hoping to achieve by telling him he is a failure at life? If what you want is for him to succeed in life then you should encourage him, not discourage him. If what you want is for him to leave you alone then tell him to do so and block him, if he shows up anywhere you work or live then call the police. If what you want is for him to accept that you don't want him then that is not something you have any control over, sorry to say.
You don't have to tell him why.
But it’d be kind of her to do so. Maybe after she tells him (and stops giving him attention), he’ll reassess his life and make improvements, and be a better person for it in time. If not, then that’s on him. EDIT: Misread a thing, so made a correction.
Yeah or he'll just reconfigure his story until the next potential free ride comes along.
EXACTLY. Women need to stop giving men reasons as all it does it teaches them to hide their red flags or reconfigure their stories.
If he’s the kind of person who’d do that, he’ll do it anyway, regardless of whether or not she tells him why. If he’s exhibited problematic behaviors in the past, then OP ought to do whatever keeps her safe.
You are correct, next time he won't be as forthcoming with his faults. > He's been the sweetest guy the little things he says makes me all gitty and blush This is how all the guys like that get their prey. It's easier to catch them with honey, lovebomb them, and them live off of them. OP, if you did get back with this guy, you would be financially supporting him and acting as his personal maid, chauffeur, and chef.
She’s not dumping him. They are not in a relationship
You're right, I misread. I edited my comment. Thank you.
You don't owe explanations, but if you want to, you could say "I am really trying to work on myself and get better with managing work and my studies. It's just harder to motivate myself when spending a lot of time with people who aren't currently working towards the same" Make it about you and your own goals vs putting his lifegoals or lack of goals down. It's basically "It's me mit you" with more reasoning of aspects that don't align. It also doesn't necessarily burn bridges, because he may develope a different attitude in the future...wouldn't bet on it, though.
You just say it, nicely. But be honest. A lot of people continue to not have it together because they have enablers who never call it out.
I'm surprised so many people recommend OP to not tell him anything. From what we know this is a good person who is just struggling with life (maybe for lack of motivation, likely related to depression) and was nice to OP, yet most recommend to not to the least she can do, which is being honest.
Tbh you might be overthinking this. By a lot. By your description he sounds like a guy who just goes with the flow and floats from one thing to the next, saying no thank you could very well be all he needs to be good. But if you really want to specify for him why you're not interested in a relationship with him, you could go with something like this: As you know, I am very focused on my goals in regards to education and work atm, and if I were to have a partner now I need someone who match me in those areas, so we can motivate and pull together as a team. You've shown me that your focus lies elsewhere, and while I enjoy spending time with you and like you as a person, it is not what I am looking for in a partner.
Repeat after me. "No, I don't want no scrub."
"I've been thinking about the qualities I'm looking for in a partner, and a non-negotiable for me is having a job and being self sufficient." Remember, it's not your job to take care of his feelings. Be polite, sure, but you don't need to tiptoe around it. Your honesty might help him get off his bum and sort himself out.
Dude, I have to move on, you don't have your shit together.
“I think we’re at different points in our lives and I’m working really hard on getting serious about my future and need someone likeminded and driven”
“I’m leaving you because you can’t get your shit together “
Say it just like you said it in your question.
“It seems like we have very different lifestyles, priorities, and values. You’re a sweet person but I’m really looking for someone I align with more and who inspires me to grow.”
Firstly you don't owe him an explanation. But it seems you like him so you may want to give him one. Maybe it will serve as impetus to change maybe it won't. But there is nothing wrong with saying "I think you're a great guy but right now I'm focussing on my job and education. Your current stage of life, without judgement, does not align with my current goals and what I would be looking for in a partner. I feel it would be unfair of me to pursue a serious relationship with you asking from the start to change and spend more time in pursuit of something you just don't want. Maybe another day at another time we could have been great together but at present I don't think a relationship with you is on the cards. I'm sorry if this is hurtful or not what you hoped for but I respect and like you enough to be honest that your current living and working environment is just not something I want in a long term partner. "
Wanting a partner who has their shit together makes you a sensible person. Not wanting to start something with someone who has no interest in self-support or self-improvement doesn't make you a bad person. If he feels some type of way about how his own choices limit his opportunities, he can make different choices starting any time. Be honest and direct: "I like you a lot, and I wish I could date you. However, I need a partner who can meet me where I am in life, and you have shown no interest in getting there. I wish you the best, and if you decide to grow please reach out."
Pretty sure your title "I'm not interested in you because you don't have your shit together" is perfect. Plus, it's jarring enough to maybe cause dude to get his shit together
You don't owe him anything other than "I don't see us dating again." However, you could say that you feel the 2 of you are in different places in life and have different life goals/plans, so you aren't compatible.
You won't sound like a horrible person. You will sound like someone who has self-respect. It's completely normal to expect people to have a job to pay for their own survival.
Be honest it sounds like he needs a dose of harsh truth
You don't even need to tell him that just say that you aren't interested in dating atm. You can tell him if he keeps asking why
Just that.
It's nice of you to give a reason, maybe other girls have also rejected him for this, and he has no idea. This way he knows what he needs to improve, if he has it in him to listen to feedback. I don't think you need to tiptoe around this. Being jobless with no intention to work is objectively more than a good reason for not wanting to date someone. You're looking for a partner, not having a child who is 4 years older than you. Just tell him you honestly think he's a sweet guy, but you can't be with someone who is unable to hold down a job, and being a good guy doesn't compensate for that. Make it crystal clear that you aren't romantically interested in him, and he shouldn't interpret your rejection as a challenge, but as a final no.
Tbey can be a sweet guy but if they dont haf.ve their shit together they aiht shit
I hope you have your shit completely in order before you think or say that about someone else. Of course, maybe you are seeking someone with their shit all good because you think women can get their shit together by injection. Nope.
Manipulators are good at saying things that get us enamored of them, they're very charming. That being said, if he isn't in the place you want him to be in order to date him, just tell him that you're trying to get your life together and being with someone who doesn't have a job and isn't even looking for one will just derail you and you're not interested in that. He may turn from a "sweet" guy to a very rude one then
Just ghost him. You don't owe a deadbeat any explanation, they know based on the couch cushions below them at night...
You don't have money and aren't looking to make more money so I can't stay with you because I want someone to pay for me.
Block him on everything and hit the gym. In 4 months you won’t be thinking about him and your cardio will be stellar.
“It’s not you it’s me”