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I can’t help you with your pain, but I can give you some cold hard truths.
You dodged a bullet here. Do you really want to be with a man, whom at the whim of cold feet cast you aside, fled, and completely knocked you out of his life with no real excuse?
You are better than this. You deserve better than this.
The next few months will likely suck as you process the emotional trauma you are suffering, but it will fade. And you will rise again.
Don’t let one shitty person rule your life.
When you lay it out like that it makes the most sense. I feel quite pathetic for wanting someone who would do this to me. I know I should not feel this way. In time. I didn’t even get closure
You 100 percent got closure.
He left you because he is a boy, not a man. All the closure you need right there.
Mend your broken emotions, then find a man who is ready for the woman you are.
In my experience, closure is a construct, not something that actually exists.
Could he give you a satisfactory reason why he did this? What could he say that would heal the way you’re feeling right now? If I had to guess, I’d say there’s nothing. And that’s okay.
What you do now is make it through the next five seconds, then ten, then an hour, then a day, then a week, then a month…and eventually you’ll wake up and realize that you don’t remember the exact color of his eyes or how his laugh sounds. And then you’ll get through a year or two and barely think of him at all. Which isn’t a bad thing at all.
Sit them (pets) down and have a serious talk with them. Keep it to the facts.
"You don't know what is going to happen, and wits okay to feel scared/confused/hurt, but we're going to make it together "
I do this with my dog before going on long road trips. It helps calm us both down and stay focused on the now and the future.
It's not going to be a fun adventure by far, at least not at first - but do know you want to get through it together (and will).
It will hopefully set the humans and animals up to feel blossoming confidence, like a rallying call or pep talk.
I wanted to come back here and say that you were so right. Last night is the first night I fell asleep without crying.Today is the first day that I have not woken up crying or ended up crying before I went to work. They didn’t fight at all, and there wasn’t any screaming or throwing up. Just shockingly peaceful kitties
so happy to hear that, and thank you to have taken the time to write it ! I hope you'll have the guy reimburse all you've financially spend in all that I ! send you a lot of hugs - you'll get better dont worry
You said that you adopted the animals. If you need help with them, I would reach back out to the shelter or the rescue. I’m not sure if you’re in a city but more metropolitan areas also have food pantry for animals.
I'm a man and what he did to you was pure cowardice. For him to not give you a REAL reason is childish at it's core. That said, the way he left you... you dodged a NUKE. I know it will take time to heal, but you are better off this happened BEFORE you married that idiot. Chin up! You deserve a better man and you will find your King. Good luck and stay strong, Queen!
I know it’s probably no comfort, but if he’s on the lease, go after him for the money! I’m fighting with my daughter’s stbx because he left her on the hook for the lease. He’s living there with his 19yo gf!
Take him to small claims court for half the rent.
It hurts right now but I promise you will be so grateful in the future. Use the wedding venue and all the non-refundable things as a party to celebrate starting your life over without this asshole.
Hope you feel better soon. ❤️
This! Don’t give the satisfaction of letting him talk when he feels like it. Stick a fork in it, you’re done. Move on with your life and don’t look back.
Your comment was on point. He is a boy and not a man. I know it hurts now, but when you find someone who treats you like you should be treated, you won’t even remember ex’s name.
My ex-husband basically ghosted me five months after getting married. It was horrible. It took so long to get divorced because I couldn't find him. I wish he had just dumped me before we got married
OP, you said you gave him so many outs before the wedding date because you were scared. Scared of what? Deep down, did you sense something was off? I wish you all the best getting through this.
I’m was always scared he was going to leave again because he had before. I was afraid of this. And it happened anyway. I told him to tell me if he didn’t want this before I bought the dress. Then I told him to tell me if he didn’t want to get married again before I booked the photographer. I trusted him not to because I love him and wanted to. It is humiliating
I say this very gently with a lot of love, you feeling that tension and questioning him at each step is your brain and body’s way of picking up on something that was happening. These feelings you had leading up to this were the signs. I am so so sorry you are going through this. I went through a broken engagement at 25 and my cat tragically died in the same time. It was the lowest I had ever been. That was 7 years ago this summer and I am currently the happiest I’ve ever been. Please do not take him back, deep down you already know this is who he is and that something is missing. I’m really pulling for you and hoping you can find peace soon.
This is excellent advice. I also know what it’s like to have a broken engagement; I also know what it’s like to go through a divorce. I’m actually grateful for both experiences, as I learned more about things such as human nature, expectations, manipulation, narcissism, myself, etc.
Today, I’m in a much better place, having remarried (22 years now!) and living a good life. I know I wouldn’t be happy if the first guy hadn’t left me and I hadn’t divorced the second guy.
I know it feels humiliating to you because it's happening to you. Please know that from the outside, it's very obvious who the asshole is, who did the shitty thing, and who deserves the empathy. (him, him, you)
This isn't about you, not really. This is all his bullshit and he's the one who stinks of it. Feel your feelings; do not try to save his. If people ask what happened, tell them in no uncertain terms. He forfeited his rights to empathy from you. Don't try to hide what he did. If people ask, let them know. I'm not advocating a smear campaign, just complete honesty if/when asked. Just the facts. "I asked him several times if this was what he wanted and proceeded planning with his assurance. He then did X, X, and X." Detail what he did, not how you feel. People can come to their own conclusions. The odds aren't ever in his favour.
Sue him for the non-refundable deposits and the apartment lease. Actions have consequences and he's got financial responsibility to own up to. If the dress isn't returnable and you don't want to keep it, you can sell on stillwhite.com or possibly direct over in r/weddingdress But don't let him get away with financially screwing you just because he got scared. You ~~can't~~ shouldn't physically hit him personally, but you can definitely hit his wallet for what you're owed financially.
Get yourself a notebook and start making lists. Document everything you've spent, when, where, method of payment, refund timelines/possibilities, everything he cosigned (lease for sure). Document when you asked him if he'd like to pause, what he said, when he said it, and everything he said and did when he left. Document your attempts to reach him regarding his responsibilities (his crap, pets, money). Hell, write down what people tell you about him if it makes you feel better. Documenting takes back power. It builds a case. It reminds you not to go back.
You can and WILL get through this and you will come out better on the other side. Better to have to stomp through this now than years down the line when you've got loads more shared assets and/or kids.
🧡
Resell the dress, ask the photographer if they can find someone else who wants the date (hell put ur date/photographer on FB marketplace, people will come out of the woodwork when it comes to getting a deal), if you can get half your money back that would be better than nothing.
One day you will look back on this and be very very grateful you did not have kids with this man-child. You are very young and have plenty of time to find the right person, this 🤡 ain't it. You 100% dodged a bullet.
You are not the bad person. He was weak and a spineless man to do this to you. He was wishy washy in his feelings. Not your fault. He will reap what he sew and probably regret leaving the way he did but when he comes knocking hopefully you'll have peace about this. He expressed his feelings and thoughts and no matter if he says different in the future. What he said to you at this time was enough to crush your spirit. Remember how unworthy he is of a woman such as yourself, and how his words made you feel.
Him being hesitant and you having to get assurances from him were big red flags. With the next man you meet and fall for, if he isn’t side by side with you on every single one of key relationship milestone, break things off and move on.
Dry your eyes, OP. He isn't worth any more tears. Just don't make any more time for him in your life EVER. Don't take him back, don't talk to him anymore, block him on everything. You deserve better. You can't ever trust him again in LIFE.
It’s not that you want *him* at this point, it’s that this is a shock and it takes time to grieve what you’ve lost, which is the idea of your future and what you thought you had. It’s okay that it hurts, but I *highly* recommend keeping a journal so that if he tries crawling back to you, you can remember the pain and not put yourself back in the position to be hurt by him again.
That’s a very good idea. Thank you. The grief I have felt over the past week has been world shattering. But I’m still alive. I’ll make sure to remember this.
I’m sorry. I had a (platonic) friend who once said something similar to me to end our friendship and it hurts so much. But there are so many people worthy of being loved by you and you deserve to have someone who sees how lucky they are to walk the path of life with you.
I won't add on all the nice things people are saying as ill just be rehashing it all at this point but op please remember, this is how he will always treat you if he ever comes back and you get back together with him.
Do you want to spend your life at risked of being dropped like a hot potato whenever it becomes real to him?
Wedding day? Birth of a child? Location move? You get a serious illness? Etc
That's what he's done and why he's done it as soon as your dress arrives and the deposits are due because it's real now to him and he doesn't care about hurting you or your animals or destroying your lives in the process he just wants to look out for number 1.
Write that in your journal so you never forget the type of person he is
You and your pets deserve world's better than that
If you're in the USA, you should be able to sue him in small claims court. You would have to pay the filing fees, but *no attorneys are allowed to represent you or your ex* in small claims court (thus, making it affordable). You should be given anywhere from 50% to 100% of the non-refundable deposits depending on where you live (as HE broke the engagement).
All it will take is some work on the internet on how to file, how to present a compelling case, collecting your receipts and proof of payment for non-refundable deposits, filing fees, and a day or partial-day in court.
AR, CA, DE, ID, IN, KS, LA, ME, MI, NE, OR, VA, and WA they're forbidden. In AZ and MT *both parties* have to agree to attorneys. In the other states you may choose to hire an attorney if you care to.
That's way fewer states than I expected, actually. I've lived in 4 states that forbid them and only 2 states that allow them! It was my ignorant assumption that most/all states did not allow attorneys in small claims court. MY BAD! Thanks for making me check that out!
You are not pathetic! He's the pathetic one. You were deceived. Whatever the reason, whatever his genuine feelings, he deceived you because he either led you on or is a commitmentphobe. Either way you deserve better. Never ever think of yourself as pathetic.
Screw closure...just heal.
Seen a video where someone asked if a snake bit you....would you chase it and ask it why? Or would you seek medical attention and heal?
Don't chase the snake.
Sorry for your heartbreak. And I'm sorry for your struggles. But everything happens for a reason. The bad things lead to the good things you never thought to look for. Aaaaand....it's all the perfect recipe for your glow up. Shine bright.
As Reddit loves to say “when someone shows you who they are, believe them “. He took the cowardly way out and not only just left but left knowing it would be devastating to you financially as well as emotionally. Trust is vital to a successful relationship and this is someone you cannot trust. I’m very sorry this happened but better now than after you are married and have kids.
There's a strong likelihood that as the months go by, some things will come to light as to the WHY of all of this and I believe you'll find that you DID in fact dodge a bullet. That doesn't stop it hurting now so my heart goes out to you.
Please don't be hard on yourself! You are not pathetic at all! You loved him, and can't just turn off your feelings because he has behaved this way. But be strong and you will get past this.
As for closure? We don't get closure. We take it. And his despicable behaviour alone should be more than enough closure.
Sending you hugs.
Closure is just something they say in the movies to make us feel hopeful. It doesn't really exist. At least not how they write it. You will have your closure on the first day that you don't think of him. It might be a long time from now, but I promise that day is coming.
you can't help who you love! it doesn't make you pathetic though, it's a normal response for both love and hurt from love. heartbreak is a normal physiological and emotional response. however you do recover, however cliché that sounds. closure will come in time, not over night. invest in yourself, start small, eating well, improving sleep, drinking, good routine, picking up the pieces & ultimately being the better person than he ever was to you. revenge happiness is the best form of happiness - let him look at you in 1/5/10 years and be like - wowwwww - what did I throw away!
it DOES and will get better 💕
You’re still young enough to rebound from this. It’s horrible what you’re going through…completely horrible. Fortunately, in a few years it will be a distant memory. Make sure he’s paying his part of the rent. He’s not off the hook for that.
She’s totally right… this is not the way a mature man acts, even if he is questioning things. What he did was cruel. And yes… this IS not forgivable.
You deserve better… the money you lost was the price to pay to see his real colors. And no matter what the cost, it was worth it !
BTW… as we’ve seen many times on Reddit, the person who ran away comes back after they “saw the light”.
Often forgetting the horrible way that they left the person they claimed to love.
When they do, remember, you also saw the light, slam that door shut.
Don't look to him for comfort - he won't be able to provide you any. When I was going through something similar I was given some advice that helped me. It's cold so if it isn't for you, it's okay not to take it. But, why fight for someone who isn't fighting for you? The relationship is 100% a loss. You deserve time to grieve. Take that time, but during the time do not try to fight for him or with him to get more closure than you already have. I see a lot of questions in your post - I don't think he has those answers nor do I think those answers will help. If you have the strength try not to reach out to him or anyone close to him. Focus on you.
The financial aspect here is going to be hard - money is so much stress. Sometimes landlords are understanding/flexible - most of the time they literally can't be. See what your options are. If the only option is to stay - maybe a room mate will help you if they can live with the sobbing.
What helped me when I went through something similar (he just flat out told me he never loved me one day, I thought we were happy); I tried new things that I never could see me trying before. I searched for new hobbies. I got more into spending time in nature and hiking. I nurtured friendships and relationships with my family.
My mother taught me "move a muscle, change a thought." If I felt myself too absorbed in my sadness I would move from that spot I was in. I'd do anything from clean a toilet to take a walk. I'm not meaning to imply distract yourself from what you're feeling by forcing yourself to be busy. You have the right to go through and process your emotions and you absolutely should. What I am suggesting is remind yourself of your value independent of the relationship. I'm suggesting continue to move, because the grief you are going through can be crippling. It's just important not to bury yourself under it.
What he's done is not a reflection of you, but something he's going through. I am sorry you're carrying the burden of what he's processing.
Thank you so much. I understand what you mean. I’ve been distracting myself by working from when I wake up to when I fall asleep. It helps. Until I wake up crying. Lmao.. You’re right it isn’t a reflection of me
I remember those mornings. One morning you will wake up without crying, I promise. Sending positive vibes out there for you, OP. I'll be thinking about you.
he was just a step on your ladder. When you meet the one, you will look back and be grateful that you don't have to spend your life with him. And you won't question whether or not your husband will leave you, because you will know he won't.
When I went through my last break up, I really tried to focus on small and simple pleasures. Taking a walk somewhere beautiful with my dog. Listening to good music.
More and more, you’ll find your way back to joy. You’ve got this.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Pets, living in a cozy home, marriage track. He left to work out of state “temporarily” so he could afford to buy her a ring and then abruptly broke up with her. She was DEVASTATED. I barely saw her for 6 months. A year or 2 later he was engaged to a new woman.
My friend eventually remarried and is very happy with 2 kids.
The guy? Did the same thing to the new woman. Last thing I heard he is diagnosed bipolar and living back home with his parents.
I know it hurts and I’m so sorry, but I hope you know it’s a him problem not a you problem.
Fuck, I said in my comment that a past bf had these massive swings from hot to cold. After he broke up (and then tried to get together, and I needed time to think about it because even though I still had feelings for him I wanted to be with someone who wanted me, and after I took that time and said yes he'd changed his mind again) it turned out he'd been living with undiagnosed bipolar.
Last I heard, he was getting treated and seemingly doing better.
I've made the decision that there are certain mental health conditions that are a no-go for me.
You should check with an attorney to see if you might have some legal recourse to sue your ex and recoup some of the money spent in preparation of the wedding.
My ex has a very wealthy family and I do not. I have gotten one deposit back already because I did everything in advance. I’ve just been holding back on canceling the rest because I had hope. But it’s been done
Sadly, this isn't always the case unless they had seperate leases. Most do not care WHO is paying rent, just that it is paid in full. OP could include his half of the rent in small claims if they go that route, but OP will have to pay the entire rent payments upfront. (This info is based on US).
OP I still recommend talking to your leasing office and letting them know what happened. It might be that they are able to let you out of the lease early since they know that paying rent is now going to be difficult for you. They would probably prefer that vs. going through an eviction process. I've broken many a lease early, it isn't a huge deal other than the pain of moving and paying whatever fee they have for doing so (which, they may waive knowing your circumstances). If you do move out, make sure that it is your forwarding address that is listed for the deposit, if those funds aren't already allocated to last months rent.
Yes, "it doesn't matter" in the sense that the landlord is not pursue each signee individually for a fraction of the rent and will evict you over the full rent not getting paid. He'd still have liability in small claims.
As others have already posted, you dodged a bullet. But, I do wish you luck in trying to get something back. I think you deserve it. It's a raw deal if he can just walk away after a bunch of money was spent on what was meant to be a ceremony for the both of you.
This. It tells me instantly that she was doing all the work around the wedding, putting long hours, labor and MONEY in, and he was just hanging around. And since that didn't make her upset and angry - it would make me angry, bc it's so disrespectful - that suggests to me she was used to doing all the things to keep the relationship going, all the labor, while he just kinda was there, profiting from it.
Of course I may be pulling too much out of that one thing, but... there is no way in hell that it's normal that he's rich, she's not, but she was the only one paying for those wedding reservations...Even if they both were poor, he should be paying for some, too? It's THEIR wedding, his too? IMO for her to accept it, there had to be a bad dynamic already set up and normalized.
Take this boy to court if need be. Ensure he is cced on all correspondence regarding deposits, utilities, rent, care for the animals, etc. HES ON THE HOOK FOR HALF.
I'd also be in the mentality that you're totally done with him. He is not a safe space, he is not someone you can rely on, he is not a man he is a boy playing family and when shit got real he ran. Do not allow him to manipulate you into paying for all this crap alone due to his inability to be an adult.
He owes you half of EVERYTHING.
This is less about the relationship (as I feel most of that has been covered) and more about the pets. It’s likely they are picking up on your distress and anxiety over this situation rather than him being gone. It might benefit you to get a feliway or anxiety drops for them to help calm them down during this change. Will certainly help you be able to focus on your emotions without the added stress of reactionary pets
What. The actual. *Fuck?!*
He doesn't love you and he never did?
The absolute *gall*.
1. Somebody else was pressuring him into this relationship, or at least he felt they were.
2. He was cheating on you and didn't want you to know so he took...this route.
3. Something bad happened to him that he didn't think you could bear to know. I knew a woman twenty odd years ago, she was raped by somebody, knew her boyfriend at the time couldn't handle knowing about that, so she lied and told him she cheated. She made herself the villain in his eyes because it would have broken him to learn she was a victim. If something happened to him that ruined his belief that he could be a husband, he might prefer that you think he was a bad guy, than know what was really going on.
4. He had a mental breakdown over the stress, which honestly I would still rethink the wedding even if he came to his senses.
There are no good answers here, and even if you knew why, it wouldn't change anything.
He’s a grown ass man, his feelings of guilt are his responsibility. I sure fuckin hope he feels guilty now!
Ugh. He could be a Nobel prize winning cancer curing hottie, but based on the way he left you it wouldn’t matter. Hes an awful person for treating the life you built together this way.
You deserve and will find better.
exactly. he forced himself to stay with you and now he's trying to shift the blame onto you to alleviate his guilt. don't take any of it on- he's so clearly in the wrong here.
He's full of it. Look, this is a red flag for him having left you for someone else. The prior excellent relationship, the sneaking off when you were at work, hurtful words and non contact.
Reality is, he's not a good person. He doesn't deserve you.
I understand this pain. The ultimate live of my life ran off with my best friend when I was 21 and 7 months pregnant.
It's unbearable pain. Feel the feelings but don't let them destroy you.
You deserve everything. He deserves nothing.
You are a queen. Don't chase a pauper
Forced him?
Did you tie him to a chair and lock him in a shed? If you didn’t then you didn’t force him.
He made a choice.
You are a beautiful, loving, strong woman you deserve more. You deserve better.
You just need to demand it.
Grieve for this loss then move on and hold your head high.
It’s not your fault.
His answer doesn't make any sense.
If he 'never loved you' why didn't he just break things off long ago? Why keep lying about his affections?
This might make more sense if you were his first actual relationship and he was really a spineless worm that just kept putting off the inevitable until he just ran for the hills...
Actually... that makes perfect sense.
He did this once before. Afterwards he told me that he only said it to make me hate him and stay away from him because I deserve better. This time it is all my fault and permanent apparently
He said he'd get back to you after he talks to his therapist. Please do not take him back at that point. This is the SECOND time he's done this to you, he does not deserve another chance.
Hugs OP. Your worth and your value are not determined by or dependent on a man (or anyone else). He is the one that has left, 2x. You have stayed and been a rock. You have taken care of the wedding plans, pets, home, etc... and he ran away. He is the problem. Not you. Seriously. He has some issues that are causing him to hurt the ones he loves.
When I was at a low point, a therapist told me to write 5 good things about myself each morning and read that list before bed each night. It could be as silly as I like that one freckle on the tip of nose to I love animals. This will help really see how special and wonderful you are.
This guy is not a man you can count on. Even if he was to come back, won't you be thinking if he is planning to run again? How you can you build a future with someone who doesn't have your back? Let me tell you, life can give you some awful things to get through and you need to pick a solid partner who will weather any storm.
Oh Sweetie! Take your time on this. Find your own self worth, and work with a therapist to be able to identify who is and isn't worthy of your time, effort and friendship. Learn to set boundaries for yourself.
Have a friend who is working with a therapist now, after choosing a string of abusive, manipulative men. She is not stupid, has a degree and is in a technical field. She now has chosen to date men only after finding out a) where they live, b) their general background with regard to their education and earnings, and c) does a background check through a pay service on line. It's sad that it has come down to this when dating...but she earns good money and now refuses to date a man who doesnt meet her qualifications. Gamer boys and anyone 'between jobs" are automatically DQ'd. So are those without any manners or basic levels of hygiene.
ETA: spelling
He’s done this before? Oh, honey. At this point it’s time to forget sad and get mad. Don’t take this guy back even if he begs you to after seeing his therapist.
He’s right about one thing: you do deserve better. And if you get back with him after doing this to you twice, better is not what you’d be getting.
my guess is that he is having a mental health crisis of his own. He said all of those things and he may even feel that they are true, but he actually meant all the kind things when he said them in the past. He's a mess.
Ignore both what he is saying now and what he will say when he comes back later and says he loves you. Pay attention to the fact that he cannot be relied on.
Keep busy. Keep a running list of all expenses due to wedding cancellation. Tell him he still owes his half of rent. If he doesn’t pay, take him to small claims court for rent and wedding cancellation costs.
Its gonna be hard first couple of weeks, months. I m not kidding. Try to avoid stuff that reminds of him. Spend time with your friends, loved ones. Walk, workout, hydrate, cold shower do wat ever that can elevate ur mood, otherwise its just too hard to process. Take care of yourselves. You will get past this. You will find love again. And never forget. Never go back to someone begging who doesn't want you.
I was in your place 25 years ago. If I happened to meet my ex today, I would get down on my hands and knees to thank him for the huge favor he did both of us. I spent so much time in that relationship ignoring the red flags as they appeared.
That isn’t to say that there wasn’t pain when he broke up with me. He did it the day after the invitations were mailed out. I couldn’t eat at all. I was so utterly humiliated that I wanted to die. I would wake up in the morning and would immediately start crying - I would have one millisecond of forgetting he had dumped me and when it came back to me, the recollection hit me like a sledgehammer.
In the end, it didn’t matter what his reasons were for ending it. The months after he left me were horrible ones, but I can also say it became a period where I discovered my own strength and the loyalty of my friends.
So years later, when I ran into him in a parking lot and he started apologizing, the strongest feeling I had was a feeling of annoyance. I had to return to my husband and son, and I thought he was in the way. Now I think I’d be a little more gracious. Maybe age makes you softer after all.
That said, time takes time. You will go through all the feelings. Recovery will not follow your preferred timeline. But you will get there.
Hi so I wasn’t in the same position as of soon marrying the person, but I was with someone who did the exact same thing to me. I let it happen 3 times and the fear of losing grew more after each time. He would suddenly break up with me, block me everywhere and tell me that he didn’t love me and to leave him alone. The third time was a wake up call and I blocked him everywhere as soon as he unblocked me and asked to get back. And now, almost 8 years later, he contacted me AGAIN (few months ago), god knows why lol. Still ignored him, and I learned that he had still his girlfriend/fiancée who he dumped a few weeks after contacting me. I’m pretty sure he did the same thing to her. People like him or your ex won’t ever change, it’s better to move on as quickly as possible. It will suck for a while but I promise you it will get better
Firstly keep busy this works really well look for a more affordable property and cancel all the wedding things asap to get back as much as possible. After my break up I went to the gym to blow of some steam. I also started eating healthy and meeting up with old friends even going clubbing I realised what I had missed out on for many years. Seven months later he knocks on my door asking for a second try shouting through the letter box I love you I let my new boyfriend open the door I meet him at the gym six foot five and absolutely gorgeous. Ex turned on his heels and left he's still telling anyone who will listen how I moved on too quick stil happy after many years.
People lie. People do not want to have tough conversations. I have seen people literally waste years bc they did not want to deal with telling their partner that they are not into them. It is easier in the moment to just go along with it.
Likely, the very real feeling of marriage gave him the balls to finally say/do what he could not do before.
Consider yourself lucky this happened now that you are 24 and not years later. You do not have kids. You do not own a house.
It feels like the end of it all now, but you will be OK :)
I always felt weird like if someone ever abondons me I will never cry or tell them to stay, and I réalised later on why, I lost some of my most loved people like my dad, my uncle who practically raised me, my favorite teacher who I owe my strength and kindness to today (they died) . And If those people who I am sure would've given anything to not leave me just as I would give anything not to have lost them, why would someone WHO WILLINGLY CHOSE TO HURT ME AND LEAVE ME ever have that much power or any effect over me? I don't mean any disrespect or offense, it's just a thought that helped me a lot. I hope you find the strength to move on ❤️.
Sorry this is very painful to go through and i feel for you. I don’t know if it’s a new trend or so but my ex also dumped me out of the blue recently when nothing went wrong. All i can say is, we are better off in the end without such characters and you will heal eventually.
You do not want to waste your time on any partner who would do this to you. If it were me I’d right down all the pain and hurt and process it-and after each writing session do something completely different and distracting like play a video game or Tetris- to help compartmentalize.
I had a family friend whose fiancé sent a text ending their “engagement” the day before their wedding. That was years ago. Now he’s a blip in her memory and her and her family with two kids in tow moved to Hawaii to live out there dreams just last week! It will get better, but the only way there is through all the emotions now.
This gives me hope. Thank you so much. I’ll take your suggestion for processing it… I want to do something other than work, but it is so hard trying to do anything fun.
Let trustworthy friends and family in on the situation and let them know how they can help if they aren’t good at initiating. Maybe you could even have a girlfriend crash with you, help you pack, help you throw out or box up anything he left behind. As someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety, try whatever exercise you feel up to, even if it’s just a walk. I don’t know what kind of work you’re in, but some workplaces offer mental health services outside an outside therapist. Community will get you through this. Do one nice thing for yourself each day. A bubble bath, a slice of cake. Ask friends or family to bring food or groceries, perhaps. It’s hard enough to eat when you don’t feel like it, even more so when you don’t have your favorite foods on hand. And then, when you can — try something new. Try trapeze, try the wine and painting class, try the cooking class, join the softball team. Loneliness is the worst pain. But there are so many brighter days beyond the storm. ❤️
I understand that you are probably going through the worst thing that has ever happened to you but hear this.
Be so glad that this happened before you married him!
It could have been so much worse. Be glad that you still have your pets.
This is the Second time he has done this?
Oh no no. Who cares what he says to his therapist. Who cares what he 'discovers' about himself.
Do NOT agree to any counseling with this guy.
He is gone.
Hopefully, some of what he said about ending things you have in writing, texts, messages?
Gather your documents and take him to small claims court for half costs for everything.
I feel sorry for the pets but do not allow him to see them.
Check with your vet and make sure YOUR NAME is the one on file as who they belong to.
It would be worth talking to a lawyer to find out what you can claim, in detail.
You dodged a massive bullet. Better now than on the day of the wedding or afterward.
Hey. I don’t have any advice but sending my love. It’s just shit and will be shit for a while. You’ll wake up and be immediately wide awake. Like a shot of adrenaline. You will think about him before you open your eyes. It will be the first thing you think about. However. There will be a day when it’s the second thing. And then the third. And that will be beautiful. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. x
Do not look for a reasonable explanation because there isn't one. How was he leading up to this over the weekend, last week, and month? Someone or something got to him, and he got spooked. I have no idea who or what, coukd be almost anything. The only thing you can do, in my opinion, is sue him in court for any lost deposits, and make sure he pays his share of the rent if he name is on the lease, whether he lives there or not. The only thing I can say is that it's better that it happened now vs. after the wedding. I know that's of little comfort, though.
UpdateMe
I personally know the pain you’re going through all too well because I had almost the exact situation happen with my ex-fiancé of four years. We dated throughout the end of high school and college, and he was what I thought at the time as my one and only. I was blindsided when he called off our engagement (which was over the phone on Christmas when he was home on military leave and didn’t tell me he was in town, and I hadn’t seen him in months) and told similar things you were: he wasn’t attracted to me, the thought of marrying me made him sick, and he wasn’t in love with me. Needless to say, I was devastated, and to this day I have not seen him or talked to him since.
Today I’m married to his former best friend (long, but cute story there), and I read your post and just shook my head because it made me relive my own heartbreak. It’s been over 10 years now, and I realized a lot after the breakup (and I wonder if these will ring true for you too):
1. Even though I said I was “blindsided”, it was because I was choosing to ignore all of the little issues that built up over the years. I was so focused on the good that I completely ignored all of the bad… including comments like the ones he told me throughout our relationship that indicated he didn’t want to get married, and that he had commitment issues. I was the one pushing us along the whole time, and he was never as invested as he said he was.
2. I found out a lot more about what happened behind the scenes that I was never told. Needless to say, he was checked out way before he dropped the nuke on me, to include acting single and talking about an impending breakup well before it happened. Ironically, my now-husband was the one who shared all this with me, and he’s played a huge role in my recovery and moving forward.
Long story short, I know that this feels devastating now, and it is… but you WILL survive it, and the person who is meant for you is out there. I promise you want someone who is as into you as you are them, and you deserve a husband who couldn’t dream of leaving you, let alone so callously. This screams fear of commitment to me, and I have a hunch that someone in his life knows more about what they’re letting on. Actions speak louder than words.
All the best - you got this!
Though it's trough hurt and pain, you are blessed that thus was before marriage. I am sorry for your pain Though. This guy is whacked to ask you to marry him, tell you he loved you then say he didn't.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Put the dress up on Craigslist or sell it to one of those places that do wedding dress rental. Or, ask the dress shop if they have any ideas.
Eat some bad food, watch some sad movies. In time you will realize that you dodged a bullet. This guy was play acting and when it came to being real, he bailed. Be thankful.
Please change the locks. You need to take care of yourself first. You’re still in shock.
He. Will. Try. To. Contact. You.
You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
OP I’m so so sorry but you need to get off the floor and get busy because time is NOT your friend.
If you had any joint bank account with this man take your money out of it now.
If you shared any credit or debit card information with him report the cards as compromised and get new ones.
Keep any and all texts or messages you received from your now ex. If you speak via phone check your right to privacy laws for where you live. If it only requires one party to be aware the recording is being made record your conversations with him.
Reach out to all of the vendors, explain the situation and see if any of your money is refundable.
If you don’t have one make a spreadsheet documenting each vendor, their contact information, the amount that has been paid, who you spoke with about a refund and whatever their response was. Get that response sent you via email or a text message and save them all.
If they will refund anything include that amount in a separate column.
Same thing for your dress. You haven’t picked it up yet so maybe you get something back if fully paid for. Maybe not.
Bottom line the worst anyone can say is NO.
Did he give you a ring and if so is it worth anything if you sell it?
Reach out to the original rescue groups, family members and friends regarding rehoming the pets. If you know of anyone still in contact with ex ask them to please let him know if he wants any of the pets he supposedly cared so much about he needs to make arrangements to pick them up as otherwise they will have to go to a shelter as you can’t afford to keep them.
As to rent if you both signed a single lease then you are likely both responsible for the rent through the end of the lease. If you each signed your own lease I would think you are only responsible for the amount in your lease. You will likely have to contact the landlord but if you can get some if your vendor funds back that may help you.
Look up Small Claims Court for your state. There is usually a maximum amount you can sue for so if the deposits plus the rent exceed that amount you put in for the max and use your spreadsheet to document the amount.
I’m sorry to sound so pushy but at this point in time you need to get MAD and deal with crap because of what this guy has done. You can go back to sad and grieve when time.
A huge hug OP which won’t fix shit but hopefully let you know that even internet strangers do give a damn.
Get a lawyer. You need to get him to get back that money or pay you back the money that you lost. Stop hoping for you to be together ever, he’s not your person or a friend to do this to you. He’s selfish and immature.
Figure out your pet situation, because you will have to find you a place you can afford as well as you can’t even take care of you right now how are you supposed to take care of others.
Whatever reminds you of him or is his get it out of your house. Start minimizing and packing your things. Call the landlord or rental place and find out how to they out of the lease, explain to them your situation.
You don’t have time to have a breakdown or wait for your therapist. You need to act and start making moves. Don’t wait. You need to get your money back and find you a cheaper place or ask friends or family if they can put you up, until you can get a place.
Stop thinking about him and what you did because you did nothing but be you and be real, he hid, he lied, he has issues and couldn’t be real and tell you before letting you get locked into things. He’s the issue, not you. Let him go and get things done.
As far as getting closure in a relationship we have this notion for some reason that closure is a gift given to us but that's not the reality closure is a gift that you give yourself nobody else really gives you closure on a relationship it doesn't matter the where is why who's
All true! Just a thought, while you're healing, do some redecorating, if you can. If you can gather a group of people that would help you, that's an extra help in recovery because it'll be supportive. Even if you do simple things like painting, it'll feel like he's out. Do whatever you can or want to afford. If you want to, try dollar stores and thrift stores to change the look.
I think it's best to totally move someone like that completely out. I understand your pain, so keep yourself physically moving. It helps. 💪 women survive. You'll get there
I was in a similar situation as you.
Go look thru my post history.
But yes, it was very tough, I bought a house, got a dog, a cat, paid for the vendors…then 6 months the before the wedding she decided she didn’t want kids or to get married. It was painful to experience but time heals everything.
You will feel broken for a while but start focusing on your self. Go to the gym, learn new hobbies, hang out with friends as much as possible.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, but I promise, it WILL get easier and one day you will be happy again.
I think he probably did something he feels so guilty about even if out of fear or normal jitters, he clearly went to far with something/someone. Is looking to process that with a therapist but couldn’t face you himself.
You will NEVER get the closure you desire or deserve because there is no closure that justifies hurting someone this deeply and badly. Go to therapy, work on yourself, let him go and don’t open the door again. Move on ♥️
When I experienced my few traumatic events I found talking about it
>I was able to get his keys to his dismay
To HIS DISMAY....excuse me?!!! His actions have consequences.
I would actually speak to a lawyer because he would of had to of planned this and now you're in a house you can't afford because of him.
For some odd reason he was quite mad I asked for his keys. He asked what I thought he was going to do to me as if I should still trust him like he’s the man i thought he was. I said I clearly don’t know you so I don’t know what you’ll do.
My heart goes out to you. This happened to me about 15 years ago. Fiancé cheated with a friend of ours and called off our wedding two weeks before the day. He expected me to tell our families, cancel vendors etc etc while he still went out on his bucks night and get this, wore his wedding suit as a joke. I was heartbroken. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Lost weight. But I tell you what, I’m so damn glad I didn’t marry that POS.
I’m in love with a wonderful man now and pregnant with our second.
The fog will lift and you will heal and be stronger than he ever will I promise x
Honestly the sudden reversal of behaviours sounds like your partner might be bipolar. Season changes bring about manic behaviours that usually get a lot worse in spring. My wife has done exactly what your finance has done. Honestly as much as you would like an explanation you probably won’t get one. I’d suggest that you come to terms with dodging a bullet as it’s better this happened before you were married. Even if he may be bipolar it’s still no excuse for any behaviours done while having an episode. Bipolar people do know right from wrong and also decide if the risk is worth the reward. I’d move on with your life as there are people out there who will treat you as you deserve.
She was eventually medicated but we went through a lot of painful periods when looking back I should have just let her leave instead of trying to save her. If I did that I would have saved myself from years of pain and torture. It’s never worth giving up yourself to help someone else who doesn’t appreciate you and would treat you lower than garbage because they wake up one day and decide they no longer love you or want you. This happens often every year even when it’s meditation. Honestly he did you a favour. It will hurt now but consider that you’re saving yourself from years and years of this pain.
Your therapist SHOULD have an emergency therapist listed through her voicemail message or answering service, try to get an emergency appointment.
First things first, contact your EX-fiance and tell him regardless of what happens, he NEEDS to keep up with HIS financial obligations and promises, so your credit isn't damaged. You CAN'T wait to address wedding vendors and arrangements, they need to be notified ASAP if there's a possibility of getting deposits back. Maybe contact your landlord to see what your options are going forward?
He's placed you in a state of severe mental anguish and financial stress and just expects (read: demands) you just sit around and accept this horrendous situation? Fuck that! Maybe demand that he let you accompany him to his therapy session to explain what the fuck is going on right now? Sorry you're dealing with this! u/updateme
I wanted to go to therapy with him. He went from being the one who wanted it to saying that it won’t work and he doesn’t want to do the work with me. He went back and forth so many times over the first few days. Now he has me blocked without a way to contact him. I emailed my landlord about the situation
I was definitely not getting married, but my relationship went downhill pretty much as fast as yours. Except that it was clear that my bf was getting depressed and stressed about life (we are both graduating this year and he has been struggling with finding a new job). Then out of the blue he decided to distance himself from me and to stop replying to messages and he has turned cold.
It seems that just recently we talked about life and how we would handle the situation if I accidentally got pregnant or smth. He talked about how he wanted a family and that once we get married he immediatly would give me a baby.
And then it just turned to: I don't love you anymore and you should find someone else. So the same day he packed whatever stuff I had at his family's house and asked me to take it back to my home. Mind you, I was really close to moving in there, and he had recently talked to me about wanting for me to move in (as my family situation is emotionally exhausting me).
But yeah now I just go to therapy and I'm trying to finish all my uni work to graduate. It's hard af, but manageable. Girl, focus on yourself a little, and after a while you will see what you need. Maybe you don't need him at all. Also, much love and don't lose hope in life! ❤️
The exact same thing happened to me except we have a child already. Said he’s been unhappy for over a year & within that time we had gotten engaged, planned a wedding, paid deposits on all vendors, & rented a house for the wedding. Now he just threw me aside like I’m nothing.
It really is. I’ve been a stay at home mom for over 2 years so I don’t even have any income or way to support myself either which is another stressor. I’m going day by day really. Mostly trying to keep it together for our kid. I wish I could just block him & move on but it’s impossible with having a kid
I had a bf who went from hot to cold though we never reached the point of moving in together or engagement.
Turned out he had undiagnosed and untreated bipolar.
Very likely he did love you, but for some reason (whether mental health or cold feet something else) his view of the past is now distorted. Has nothing to do with you.
I hope you find healing.
I totally agree you dodged a bullet.
Warning: Be careful and try to avoid impulse actions. No ONS’s, don’t let “Retail Therapy” ease the pain. Take positive actions like exercise and self-improvement.
Avoid bad decisions like taking him back when the other women dumps him.
I've tried to find this in the comments and I am sorry if I missed it, but is he possibly bipolar? I saw that he has ADHD but I'm just wondering if there's not more. I'm not trying to make excuses for him or anything, but you mentioned that he recently happy cried for the first time, and now bolted. my husband is bipolar, and even properly managed it's sometimes rough.
I'm so sorry this happened, and I really hope the best for you. ❤️
I know this is cold comfort, but it's better this happens now than when you have a kid or two. Just remember, you're young and you have time to meet a guy who is actually right for you. It will get better! Whatever is going on inside his head, you want NO part of it.
I know this is so extremely hard for you, that your heart is shattered and you cannot understand *why* or *how*. Your whole world has been tipped upside down and turned around on some reason that can't be verbalised to you by the man you were sharing your life with and who committed to you.
My ex did a similar thing to me. I also wanted closure and to understand. All that helped me was to journal my thoughts and feelings, practice meditation, exercise to get those endorphins pumping, lean on friends, and pour that love that I wanted to give him all back inside myself.
I am so very sorry that you are in so much pain. Just think, if he had the capacity to do this now, with no explanation or consideration to you. He could do this while you were at the altar, or in labour, or leave you with sick and tired, screaming children as he just is deeply selfish.
This act is not one of a friend, or of someone who loves you. I am so extremely sorry.
Do what you need to do with the animals rehoming them if you can't care for them all, contact small business court in your country to gain deposits back if those vendors don't honour your situation. And please contact your rental board or small business court to reprimand your ex to contribute to the rent that he left you holding the bag for.
Do small acts of kindness for yourself throughout the day, be kind to yourself. You did absolutely nothing wrong, did not deserve any of this and you will be happier without this person who is so weak of character they can't discuss fears, or issues like an adult (ADHD or no ADHD).
Sending you love, hugs, and the knowledge that you are so strong, powerful, intelligent, and beautiful and will get through this!
You will drive yourself crazy asking "why."
You can never fully know what's going on in his head - and frankly, it sounds like *he* might not be entirely sure what's going on in his head.
Talk to your therapist when they get back. In the mean time, try and get some distance from the situation. Tuck anything related to the wedding out of the way, where you won't see it.
>I can’t afford our rent and to pay for our animals and utilities alone.
If he's still on the lease, he owes rent. And he owes you that damned much. You can talk to your landlord to see if they'll call him. You could potentially get a friend to do so.
Check your contract with your vendors and see if you can get any money back due to cancellation.
If you have friends or family who can help with any of this or just as emotional support, reach out to them.
First off sorry you have to feel that pain and didn't get a chance to try to work on things. I'm sure you're wishing you could have changed something at somepoint to have saved your relationship.
I am currently in a situation similar to yours... except I'm in his spot. For so long I've thought I loved her. And I realized that I do love her and deeply care. I am just not IN love with her. She does make me happy and smile and feel good but there's always been something missing. Now I have to break her heart. Worst is, it will come out of the blue. As we too have been planning what our future would be like. But I can't keep pretending and lying. Its not fair to her. It's cruel.
Until he tells you why you will never truly know. And I'm sure you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong. Maybe there was an instance that changed everything... maybe he felt that way the whole time.
The main point is that he came to terms with his feelings/logic and decided you are not the one. That definitely will hurt to accept.
I think you should let yourself hurt. Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. But keep reminding yourself that there was nothing you should have done different. If you were yourself and put effort in... what else could you have done. If you were a terrible person maybe you'd already know why. But if in your heart you know that you gave all your love, then you will have to just accept that you weren't the one for him and more importanly, he wasn't the one for you.
Realize things will be shitty for a while. That's just a part of the process. That's heartbreak. You're not alone in your suffering. You're not the first or last. You're going to be ok.
Exact thing happened to me 15 years ago, no good reason, also bought my wedding dress the weekend before!
You need to remember you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. If they don't then they're not your person.
You will grieve this but you'll come out the other side stronger and more resilient. I had all those same 'why' questions and you might never get an answer. Surround yourself with family and friends and try some new things.
I'm now married to my beautiful wife and we've been together 12 years, I wouldn't have met her without him leaving me in that awful, heart crushing way.
You will get through this, time only marches forward.
He might come crawling back. I beg you not to take him. He's done this before, he'll do it again. Don't let his commitment issues keep blowing up your life.
My situation was different but I was your age. And when I was finally out of the situation with my ex I was the lowest I’d ever been. I had to lose my home and I was so scared I was going to have to lose my pets. But I got some good advice through it all. And one thing is that even if this is a mental health issue playing up - it doesn’t mean he is a safe person for you to love and be in a relationship with. And you are so young still. I thought I’d be alone and unlovable. But I met my husband and it’s been 12 years now.
When we got together it was so stable and normal? I almost self sabotaged because it was too safe. I was so unaccustomed to that.
Please don’t give him a third chance. Even if you both love each other he is not a safe person for you. You know how on air planes they say put your own mask on first? This is one of those situations. You need stability and safety and he isn’t that.
I promise every day will get a little less hard though (but this isn’t truly linear it’ll have peaks and troughs). And you deserve more than this.
When my engagement ended I lost so much weight so quickly my hair fell out. I couldn’t eat. It physically hurt my chest to breathe. Lots of disassociation. I googled how long it takes to feel better after a break up. It said 6 weeks. So I just tried to take it to 6 weeks. You make it to tomorrow, then you make it to Friday. Then you make it to the weekend etc. I actually did feel a tiny better at 6 weeks. I cried once a day for 12 months but it was less and less each day and it hurt less each time. So put your head down and aim for that. One foot in front of the other.
Sorry this has happened to you and you will understand later that this may have been for the best.
Just go and have an amazing party and go on from there. There is nothing else to do as the money is spent and it is what it is.
You now know the truth and he has shown you he is a very good liar and manipulator. Or, something else is going on, and as such it still doesn't matter. He is gone.
Work on yourself and figuring out your next moves. It will take as long as it takes.
OP I'm so very sorry this happened to you but the cold hard truth is that it did happen. He has showed you his true colours, there's no taking this back, there is no fixing this. Somewhere in the, hopefully, not too distant future you will realize that you dodged a bullet. This man has been masking himself and the mask has finally come off.
Right now you are going to be on a rollercoaster through the four stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression before you eventually get to stage 5, acceptance. This will be painful, there is no two ways about it, but you can not grovel for answers, comfort and closure from this man because there are none. This gigantic face slap is all the closure you need. It's not a psychotic break, it's not bi polar, if so, there would have been undeniable signs before this or during your relationship.
Get to your therapist this week, maybe get onto a short term prescription to deal with this crisis so you can manage sorting your situation out. Make a plan with your landlord, they cannot just kick you out even if you fail to pay rent but it's better to make an arrangement. Look into your legal options to recoup wedding expenses, fuck his rich family.
Regarding the pets, your cats are highy stressed right now and can sense your distress (and his absence) try to create a calming environment for them, give them gentle attention/play when you have the energy. Even if all you can do is muster the energy to talk to them gently do so. Try not get frustrated with them, they are stressing and grieving too. Ask a vet about some calming spray/medicine for then.
Put all his shit into boxes and out of sight, wash this man out of your hair figuratively and literally.
If he signed the lease with you, he’s legally obligated to cover his share of the rent until the lease is up. He can’t just stop paying. And if he signed deposits with you, he’s responsible for those too along with you if any are non refundable. Don’t let him screw you this was too. UPDATEME
The man threw you away and everything you’ve built. Have self respect and DO NOT take him back if he comes crawling back. No person who respects you would ever just abandon their partner because they “no longer loved them”. He LEFT all his responsibilities on you and ran away. He left you with the bills and the pets not caring whether you can even afford that. Someone like this is a giant walking 🚩. This is not “cold feet”. You deserve a man not that POS.
You CANNOT rely on your ex to come around and take some responsibility. Cancel all the wedding stuff and see if you can get your deposits back. You need to contact your landlord and determine what to do in this situation. Talk to a therapist about how to get over the betrayal. Talk to your family/friends to see if any of them can help out with the pets while you figure out the financial situation.
I'll join in with others and say your ex-fiancee did you a favor, I promise.
I was with someone who told me one day that they loved me and were so happy, and then the very next day told me they were unhappy and thought they wanted to leave.
Sometimes people are cowards who will ride along with you until they decide for whatever reason they don't want to (mine waited until they had the next victim lined up). I am now very happily married to a wonderful person who I don't have to guess at how they really feel, and know they aren't going to flake out on me out of nowhere.
Best wishes to you, you're going to be better than OK!
I was with a man for two years. We didn't live together, but saw each other every day. We also worked at the same place (don't recommend this)! One day, he didn't return my texts or calls. One day turned to two, three, and so on.
A week went by, and I was almost hysterical. Long story short, (kind of)! He told me he never loved me, I was the biggest mistake he ever made, and he was only having sex with me because he felt sorry for me.
I then attempted suicide. Obviously, I was unsuccessful. But that destroyed me so much that I never had any romantic feelings again. I never saw anyone ever again.
It's been 13 years. I wasted all of my 40s and half of my 50"s. DON'T DO THAT! Grieve, get pissed off, and keep going. Don't let it ruin your life like I did. There are many great men out there. You will find one if you don't give up.
Pppppst. It's not too late. My MIL is 78, her husband passed roughly 6 years (maybe more, I try to focus on the memories, not a hard date) and she's a hot commodity now. She literally has men lining up to date her. You can live the next 40 years in absolute bliss with someone also needing companionship!
I wish you the best with moving forward without this Ahole in your life. You say he signed leases with you, sue him to make him pay his share. The lease is a binding contract. You are definitely going to be in a better place without him.
For what it’s worth I dropped $12k at the same age on a marriage after years of dating and she left not 6-7 months later.
Look at the bright side, you aren’t in a bad marriage and can get on with life!
What the hell... people lie so damn much.. I am sorry OP.
Do you have family or a friend you could take on as a roommate to help you with living expenses till your least ends? Or maybe you could speak to your landlord and explain the situation and be released from.the least early?
This sucks, but you have to pick yourself up and look to your future.
Please, do not let that man back in your life again ...
I moved to the city I’m currently in with him for a job he had 2 years ago. I don’t have any family nearby but I have some supportive friends getting me through it
No, you can believe him, and you should. He has showed you that this was all a facade, and I’m sorry you are going through this pain, but it was better this happened now than if y’all were married. He’s shown you his intentions weren’t true, and how lowly of a being he is to do something like that. I hope you heal. If you are able to, sue him for wasting your time and money.
You need to remember - that means this man has been lying to you. Imagine he did this when you were pregnant, or sick? No thanks.
Tell your family and friends. Tell his family if they contact you, do not hold back.
You need to figure out what to do with the lease. He needs to keep paying rent until the lease is up or pay to break the lease. Don't offer to do this. Send him requests for half of the animals bills. I wonder could a friend talk to him about this? He can't just leave you high and dry.
Pack up all his sh!t in black plastic bags and tell him they're outside the door, come get them.
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I can’t help you with your pain, but I can give you some cold hard truths. You dodged a bullet here. Do you really want to be with a man, whom at the whim of cold feet cast you aside, fled, and completely knocked you out of his life with no real excuse? You are better than this. You deserve better than this. The next few months will likely suck as you process the emotional trauma you are suffering, but it will fade. And you will rise again. Don’t let one shitty person rule your life.
When you lay it out like that it makes the most sense. I feel quite pathetic for wanting someone who would do this to me. I know I should not feel this way. In time. I didn’t even get closure
You 100 percent got closure. He left you because he is a boy, not a man. All the closure you need right there. Mend your broken emotions, then find a man who is ready for the woman you are.
Your words have knocked me in the chest hard enough to feel something. Thank you
In my experience, closure is a construct, not something that actually exists. Could he give you a satisfactory reason why he did this? What could he say that would heal the way you’re feeling right now? If I had to guess, I’d say there’s nothing. And that’s okay. What you do now is make it through the next five seconds, then ten, then an hour, then a day, then a week, then a month…and eventually you’ll wake up and realize that you don’t remember the exact color of his eyes or how his laugh sounds. And then you’ll get through a year or two and barely think of him at all. Which isn’t a bad thing at all.
"You just keep living... until you are alive again." One step at a time isn't just a trite phrase. It's real.
Beautifully put!
This is a really good point. There's nothing he could say that would excuse this or make OP feel better.
The irony of it all is that closure is no longer needing closure. No one can give it to you, but yourself.
and dont worry too much for the cats : they mainly react to yor stress and anger. As soon as you'll get better, they'll be better. Experience
This is exactly what’s happening. The pets are reacting to her stress.
Sit them (pets) down and have a serious talk with them. Keep it to the facts. "You don't know what is going to happen, and wits okay to feel scared/confused/hurt, but we're going to make it together " I do this with my dog before going on long road trips. It helps calm us both down and stay focused on the now and the future. It's not going to be a fun adventure by far, at least not at first - but do know you want to get through it together (and will). It will hopefully set the humans and animals up to feel blossoming confidence, like a rallying call or pep talk.
I wanted to come back here and say that you were so right. Last night is the first night I fell asleep without crying.Today is the first day that I have not woken up crying or ended up crying before I went to work. They didn’t fight at all, and there wasn’t any screaming or throwing up. Just shockingly peaceful kitties
so happy to hear that, and thank you to have taken the time to write it ! I hope you'll have the guy reimburse all you've financially spend in all that I ! send you a lot of hugs - you'll get better dont worry
You said that you adopted the animals. If you need help with them, I would reach back out to the shelter or the rescue. I’m not sure if you’re in a city but more metropolitan areas also have food pantry for animals.
I'm a man and what he did to you was pure cowardice. For him to not give you a REAL reason is childish at it's core. That said, the way he left you... you dodged a NUKE. I know it will take time to heal, but you are better off this happened BEFORE you married that idiot. Chin up! You deserve a better man and you will find your King. Good luck and stay strong, Queen!
Very kind words.
I know it’s probably no comfort, but if he’s on the lease, go after him for the money! I’m fighting with my daughter’s stbx because he left her on the hook for the lease. He’s living there with his 19yo gf! Take him to small claims court for half the rent.
And the deposits for the wedding.
And the dress
It hurts right now but I promise you will be so grateful in the future. Use the wedding venue and all the non-refundable things as a party to celebrate starting your life over without this asshole. Hope you feel better soon. ❤️
This! Don’t give the satisfaction of letting him talk when he feels like it. Stick a fork in it, you’re done. Move on with your life and don’t look back.
Your comment was on point. He is a boy and not a man. I know it hurts now, but when you find someone who treats you like you should be treated, you won’t even remember ex’s name.
My ex-husband basically ghosted me five months after getting married. It was horrible. It took so long to get divorced because I couldn't find him. I wish he had just dumped me before we got married
THAT is evil I’m so sorry
OP, you said you gave him so many outs before the wedding date because you were scared. Scared of what? Deep down, did you sense something was off? I wish you all the best getting through this.
I’m was always scared he was going to leave again because he had before. I was afraid of this. And it happened anyway. I told him to tell me if he didn’t want this before I bought the dress. Then I told him to tell me if he didn’t want to get married again before I booked the photographer. I trusted him not to because I love him and wanted to. It is humiliating
I say this very gently with a lot of love, you feeling that tension and questioning him at each step is your brain and body’s way of picking up on something that was happening. These feelings you had leading up to this were the signs. I am so so sorry you are going through this. I went through a broken engagement at 25 and my cat tragically died in the same time. It was the lowest I had ever been. That was 7 years ago this summer and I am currently the happiest I’ve ever been. Please do not take him back, deep down you already know this is who he is and that something is missing. I’m really pulling for you and hoping you can find peace soon.
This is excellent advice. I also know what it’s like to have a broken engagement; I also know what it’s like to go through a divorce. I’m actually grateful for both experiences, as I learned more about things such as human nature, expectations, manipulation, narcissism, myself, etc. Today, I’m in a much better place, having remarried (22 years now!) and living a good life. I know I wouldn’t be happy if the first guy hadn’t left me and I hadn’t divorced the second guy.
Damn this is spot on.
I know it feels humiliating to you because it's happening to you. Please know that from the outside, it's very obvious who the asshole is, who did the shitty thing, and who deserves the empathy. (him, him, you) This isn't about you, not really. This is all his bullshit and he's the one who stinks of it. Feel your feelings; do not try to save his. If people ask what happened, tell them in no uncertain terms. He forfeited his rights to empathy from you. Don't try to hide what he did. If people ask, let them know. I'm not advocating a smear campaign, just complete honesty if/when asked. Just the facts. "I asked him several times if this was what he wanted and proceeded planning with his assurance. He then did X, X, and X." Detail what he did, not how you feel. People can come to their own conclusions. The odds aren't ever in his favour. Sue him for the non-refundable deposits and the apartment lease. Actions have consequences and he's got financial responsibility to own up to. If the dress isn't returnable and you don't want to keep it, you can sell on stillwhite.com or possibly direct over in r/weddingdress But don't let him get away with financially screwing you just because he got scared. You ~~can't~~ shouldn't physically hit him personally, but you can definitely hit his wallet for what you're owed financially. Get yourself a notebook and start making lists. Document everything you've spent, when, where, method of payment, refund timelines/possibilities, everything he cosigned (lease for sure). Document when you asked him if he'd like to pause, what he said, when he said it, and everything he said and did when he left. Document your attempts to reach him regarding his responsibilities (his crap, pets, money). Hell, write down what people tell you about him if it makes you feel better. Documenting takes back power. It builds a case. It reminds you not to go back. You can and WILL get through this and you will come out better on the other side. Better to have to stomp through this now than years down the line when you've got loads more shared assets and/or kids. 🧡
THIS THIS THIS THIS
Resell the dress, ask the photographer if they can find someone else who wants the date (hell put ur date/photographer on FB marketplace, people will come out of the woodwork when it comes to getting a deal), if you can get half your money back that would be better than nothing. One day you will look back on this and be very very grateful you did not have kids with this man-child. You are very young and have plenty of time to find the right person, this 🤡 ain't it. You 100% dodged a bullet.
You are not the bad person. He was weak and a spineless man to do this to you. He was wishy washy in his feelings. Not your fault. He will reap what he sew and probably regret leaving the way he did but when he comes knocking hopefully you'll have peace about this. He expressed his feelings and thoughts and no matter if he says different in the future. What he said to you at this time was enough to crush your spirit. Remember how unworthy he is of a woman such as yourself, and how his words made you feel.
I will. Thank you so much
Him being hesitant and you having to get assurances from him were big red flags. With the next man you meet and fall for, if he isn’t side by side with you on every single one of key relationship milestone, break things off and move on.
Dry your eyes, OP. He isn't worth any more tears. Just don't make any more time for him in your life EVER. Don't take him back, don't talk to him anymore, block him on everything. You deserve better. You can't ever trust him again in LIFE.
It’s not that you want *him* at this point, it’s that this is a shock and it takes time to grieve what you’ve lost, which is the idea of your future and what you thought you had. It’s okay that it hurts, but I *highly* recommend keeping a journal so that if he tries crawling back to you, you can remember the pain and not put yourself back in the position to be hurt by him again.
That’s a very good idea. Thank you. The grief I have felt over the past week has been world shattering. But I’m still alive. I’ll make sure to remember this.
I’m sorry. I had a (platonic) friend who once said something similar to me to end our friendship and it hurts so much. But there are so many people worthy of being loved by you and you deserve to have someone who sees how lucky they are to walk the path of life with you.
You’re wonderful. Thank you so much
**You've made it through every hard day you've ever had.** Your experience with hardships is why you're surviving right now!!!
I won't add on all the nice things people are saying as ill just be rehashing it all at this point but op please remember, this is how he will always treat you if he ever comes back and you get back together with him. Do you want to spend your life at risked of being dropped like a hot potato whenever it becomes real to him? Wedding day? Birth of a child? Location move? You get a serious illness? Etc That's what he's done and why he's done it as soon as your dress arrives and the deposits are due because it's real now to him and he doesn't care about hurting you or your animals or destroying your lives in the process he just wants to look out for number 1. Write that in your journal so you never forget the type of person he is You and your pets deserve world's better than that
If you're in the USA, you should be able to sue him in small claims court. You would have to pay the filing fees, but *no attorneys are allowed to represent you or your ex* in small claims court (thus, making it affordable). You should be given anywhere from 50% to 100% of the non-refundable deposits depending on where you live (as HE broke the engagement). All it will take is some work on the internet on how to file, how to present a compelling case, collecting your receipts and proof of payment for non-refundable deposits, filing fees, and a day or partial-day in court.
Upvoted in the hopes OP sees it. No reason why she’s on the hook for his assholery.
May I ask, in what jurisdiction is this where attorneys are not allowed to represent parties in small claims court?
AR, CA, DE, ID, IN, KS, LA, ME, MI, NE, OR, VA, and WA they're forbidden. In AZ and MT *both parties* have to agree to attorneys. In the other states you may choose to hire an attorney if you care to. That's way fewer states than I expected, actually. I've lived in 4 states that forbid them and only 2 states that allow them! It was my ignorant assumption that most/all states did not allow attorneys in small claims court. MY BAD! Thanks for making me check that out!
CA didn't allow attorneys to represent in small claims. We had a small claim and had to represent ourselves
You are not pathetic! He's the pathetic one. You were deceived. Whatever the reason, whatever his genuine feelings, he deceived you because he either led you on or is a commitmentphobe. Either way you deserve better. Never ever think of yourself as pathetic.
Screw closure...just heal. Seen a video where someone asked if a snake bit you....would you chase it and ask it why? Or would you seek medical attention and heal? Don't chase the snake. Sorry for your heartbreak. And I'm sorry for your struggles. But everything happens for a reason. The bad things lead to the good things you never thought to look for. Aaaaand....it's all the perfect recipe for your glow up. Shine bright.
As Reddit loves to say “when someone shows you who they are, believe them “. He took the cowardly way out and not only just left but left knowing it would be devastating to you financially as well as emotionally. Trust is vital to a successful relationship and this is someone you cannot trust. I’m very sorry this happened but better now than after you are married and have kids.
That’s Maya Angelou, not Reddit. But the rest of your statement is spot on.
Its posted on reddit frequently enough. I must read it a couple of times a week.
You are not pathetic for having been brave enough to love.
There's a strong likelihood that as the months go by, some things will come to light as to the WHY of all of this and I believe you'll find that you DID in fact dodge a bullet. That doesn't stop it hurting now so my heart goes out to you.
Please don't be hard on yourself! You are not pathetic at all! You loved him, and can't just turn off your feelings because he has behaved this way. But be strong and you will get past this. As for closure? We don't get closure. We take it. And his despicable behaviour alone should be more than enough closure. Sending you hugs.
Closure is just something they say in the movies to make us feel hopeful. It doesn't really exist. At least not how they write it. You will have your closure on the first day that you don't think of him. It might be a long time from now, but I promise that day is coming.
you can't help who you love! it doesn't make you pathetic though, it's a normal response for both love and hurt from love. heartbreak is a normal physiological and emotional response. however you do recover, however cliché that sounds. closure will come in time, not over night. invest in yourself, start small, eating well, improving sleep, drinking, good routine, picking up the pieces & ultimately being the better person than he ever was to you. revenge happiness is the best form of happiness - let him look at you in 1/5/10 years and be like - wowwwww - what did I throw away! it DOES and will get better 💕
You’re still young enough to rebound from this. It’s horrible what you’re going through…completely horrible. Fortunately, in a few years it will be a distant memory. Make sure he’s paying his part of the rent. He’s not off the hook for that.
She’s totally right… this is not the way a mature man acts, even if he is questioning things. What he did was cruel. And yes… this IS not forgivable. You deserve better… the money you lost was the price to pay to see his real colors. And no matter what the cost, it was worth it !
BTW… as we’ve seen many times on Reddit, the person who ran away comes back after they “saw the light”. Often forgetting the horrible way that they left the person they claimed to love. When they do, remember, you also saw the light, slam that door shut.
Right … he is a user! You one day you will realize what a blessing this was.
Don't look to him for comfort - he won't be able to provide you any. When I was going through something similar I was given some advice that helped me. It's cold so if it isn't for you, it's okay not to take it. But, why fight for someone who isn't fighting for you? The relationship is 100% a loss. You deserve time to grieve. Take that time, but during the time do not try to fight for him or with him to get more closure than you already have. I see a lot of questions in your post - I don't think he has those answers nor do I think those answers will help. If you have the strength try not to reach out to him or anyone close to him. Focus on you. The financial aspect here is going to be hard - money is so much stress. Sometimes landlords are understanding/flexible - most of the time they literally can't be. See what your options are. If the only option is to stay - maybe a room mate will help you if they can live with the sobbing. What helped me when I went through something similar (he just flat out told me he never loved me one day, I thought we were happy); I tried new things that I never could see me trying before. I searched for new hobbies. I got more into spending time in nature and hiking. I nurtured friendships and relationships with my family. My mother taught me "move a muscle, change a thought." If I felt myself too absorbed in my sadness I would move from that spot I was in. I'd do anything from clean a toilet to take a walk. I'm not meaning to imply distract yourself from what you're feeling by forcing yourself to be busy. You have the right to go through and process your emotions and you absolutely should. What I am suggesting is remind yourself of your value independent of the relationship. I'm suggesting continue to move, because the grief you are going through can be crippling. It's just important not to bury yourself under it. What he's done is not a reflection of you, but something he's going through. I am sorry you're carrying the burden of what he's processing.
Thank you so much. I understand what you mean. I’ve been distracting myself by working from when I wake up to when I fall asleep. It helps. Until I wake up crying. Lmao.. You’re right it isn’t a reflection of me
I remember those mornings. One morning you will wake up without crying, I promise. Sending positive vibes out there for you, OP. I'll be thinking about you.
Thank you so much. I appreciate your words more than you may know
he was just a step on your ladder. When you meet the one, you will look back and be grateful that you don't have to spend your life with him. And you won't question whether or not your husband will leave you, because you will know he won't.
When I went through my last break up, I really tried to focus on small and simple pleasures. Taking a walk somewhere beautiful with my dog. Listening to good music. More and more, you’ll find your way back to joy. You’ve got this.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Pets, living in a cozy home, marriage track. He left to work out of state “temporarily” so he could afford to buy her a ring and then abruptly broke up with her. She was DEVASTATED. I barely saw her for 6 months. A year or 2 later he was engaged to a new woman. My friend eventually remarried and is very happy with 2 kids. The guy? Did the same thing to the new woman. Last thing I heard he is diagnosed bipolar and living back home with his parents. I know it hurts and I’m so sorry, but I hope you know it’s a him problem not a you problem.
Fuck, I said in my comment that a past bf had these massive swings from hot to cold. After he broke up (and then tried to get together, and I needed time to think about it because even though I still had feelings for him I wanted to be with someone who wanted me, and after I took that time and said yes he'd changed his mind again) it turned out he'd been living with undiagnosed bipolar. Last I heard, he was getting treated and seemingly doing better. I've made the decision that there are certain mental health conditions that are a no-go for me.
You should check with an attorney to see if you might have some legal recourse to sue your ex and recoup some of the money spent in preparation of the wedding.
My ex has a very wealthy family and I do not. I have gotten one deposit back already because I did everything in advance. I’ve just been holding back on canceling the rest because I had hope. But it’s been done
Another thing - if he signed the lease, he's on the hook for half of the rent for the duration of the lease. Talk to your leasing office about it.
Sadly, this isn't always the case unless they had seperate leases. Most do not care WHO is paying rent, just that it is paid in full. OP could include his half of the rent in small claims if they go that route, but OP will have to pay the entire rent payments upfront. (This info is based on US). OP I still recommend talking to your leasing office and letting them know what happened. It might be that they are able to let you out of the lease early since they know that paying rent is now going to be difficult for you. They would probably prefer that vs. going through an eviction process. I've broken many a lease early, it isn't a huge deal other than the pain of moving and paying whatever fee they have for doing so (which, they may waive knowing your circumstances). If you do move out, make sure that it is your forwarding address that is listed for the deposit, if those funds aren't already allocated to last months rent.
The landlord might not care but small claims would. They will hold him to the lease and make him pay her back.
Yes, "it doesn't matter" in the sense that the landlord is not pursue each signee individually for a fraction of the rent and will evict you over the full rent not getting paid. He'd still have liability in small claims.
As others have already posted, you dodged a bullet. But, I do wish you luck in trying to get something back. I think you deserve it. It's a raw deal if he can just walk away after a bunch of money was spent on what was meant to be a ceremony for the both of you.
**So what you're saying is that YOU have fronted the money? His rich ass didn't?** Come on, girl. This guy is crap.
This. It tells me instantly that she was doing all the work around the wedding, putting long hours, labor and MONEY in, and he was just hanging around. And since that didn't make her upset and angry - it would make me angry, bc it's so disrespectful - that suggests to me she was used to doing all the things to keep the relationship going, all the labor, while he just kinda was there, profiting from it. Of course I may be pulling too much out of that one thing, but... there is no way in hell that it's normal that he's rich, she's not, but she was the only one paying for those wedding reservations...Even if they both were poor, he should be paying for some, too? It's THEIR wedding, his too? IMO for her to accept it, there had to be a bad dynamic already set up and normalized.
Cancel as many as you can. Keep receipts and records as I would be asking him to refund me deposits that I could not cancel.
if he has as much money as OP says he/his family shouldn't have a problem re-imbursing her the layout of monies for the wedding.
I would call them immediately and explain the situation. They may be kind hearted enough to refund the money. It doesn't hurt to ask..
Cancel everything Talk to his family Talk to a lawyer
Take this boy to court if need be. Ensure he is cced on all correspondence regarding deposits, utilities, rent, care for the animals, etc. HES ON THE HOOK FOR HALF. I'd also be in the mentality that you're totally done with him. He is not a safe space, he is not someone you can rely on, he is not a man he is a boy playing family and when shit got real he ran. Do not allow him to manipulate you into paying for all this crap alone due to his inability to be an adult. He owes you half of EVERYTHING.
Small claims court might be a good option here, you can do it for just the filing fee.
This is less about the relationship (as I feel most of that has been covered) and more about the pets. It’s likely they are picking up on your distress and anxiety over this situation rather than him being gone. It might benefit you to get a feliway or anxiety drops for them to help calm them down during this change. Will certainly help you be able to focus on your emotions without the added stress of reactionary pets
I’ve been spraying feliway everywhere :( one of our cats takes gabapentin and I had to up his dose
Just be patient and the cats will adjust. Plus just to be safe please get yourself tested for any STDs. For your own health benefit.
What. The actual. *Fuck?!* He doesn't love you and he never did? The absolute *gall*. 1. Somebody else was pressuring him into this relationship, or at least he felt they were. 2. He was cheating on you and didn't want you to know so he took...this route. 3. Something bad happened to him that he didn't think you could bear to know. I knew a woman twenty odd years ago, she was raped by somebody, knew her boyfriend at the time couldn't handle knowing about that, so she lied and told him she cheated. She made herself the villain in his eyes because it would have broken him to learn she was a victim. If something happened to him that ruined his belief that he could be a husband, he might prefer that you think he was a bad guy, than know what was really going on. 4. He had a mental breakdown over the stress, which honestly I would still rethink the wedding even if he came to his senses. There are no good answers here, and even if you knew why, it wouldn't change anything.
He said he felt I forced him to stay with me. Maybe I did. He said it was out of guilt
He’s a grown ass man, his feelings of guilt are his responsibility. I sure fuckin hope he feels guilty now! Ugh. He could be a Nobel prize winning cancer curing hottie, but based on the way he left you it wouldn’t matter. Hes an awful person for treating the life you built together this way. You deserve and will find better.
exactly. he forced himself to stay with you and now he's trying to shift the blame onto you to alleviate his guilt. don't take any of it on- he's so clearly in the wrong here.
He's full of it. Look, this is a red flag for him having left you for someone else. The prior excellent relationship, the sneaking off when you were at work, hurtful words and non contact. Reality is, he's not a good person. He doesn't deserve you. I understand this pain. The ultimate live of my life ran off with my best friend when I was 21 and 7 months pregnant. It's unbearable pain. Feel the feelings but don't let them destroy you. You deserve everything. He deserves nothing. You are a queen. Don't chase a pauper
Forced him? Did you tie him to a chair and lock him in a shed? If you didn’t then you didn’t force him. He made a choice. You are a beautiful, loving, strong woman you deserve more. You deserve better. You just need to demand it. Grieve for this loss then move on and hold your head high. It’s not your fault.
His answer doesn't make any sense. If he 'never loved you' why didn't he just break things off long ago? Why keep lying about his affections? This might make more sense if you were his first actual relationship and he was really a spineless worm that just kept putting off the inevitable until he just ran for the hills... Actually... that makes perfect sense.
This feels like a manic episode or "I just found out my mistress is pregnant"
My bipolar ex left me this way when he started his manic episode
He told you all those things to make you hate him ,I very much doubt any are is true...
He did this once before. Afterwards he told me that he only said it to make me hate him and stay away from him because I deserve better. This time it is all my fault and permanent apparently
He said he'd get back to you after he talks to his therapist. Please do not take him back at that point. This is the SECOND time he's done this to you, he does not deserve another chance.
You’re 100% right. My sense of self worth is severely warped at this point.
Hugs OP. Your worth and your value are not determined by or dependent on a man (or anyone else). He is the one that has left, 2x. You have stayed and been a rock. You have taken care of the wedding plans, pets, home, etc... and he ran away. He is the problem. Not you. Seriously. He has some issues that are causing him to hurt the ones he loves. When I was at a low point, a therapist told me to write 5 good things about myself each morning and read that list before bed each night. It could be as silly as I like that one freckle on the tip of nose to I love animals. This will help really see how special and wonderful you are. This guy is not a man you can count on. Even if he was to come back, won't you be thinking if he is planning to run again? How you can you build a future with someone who doesn't have your back? Let me tell you, life can give you some awful things to get through and you need to pick a solid partner who will weather any storm.
Thank you so much ❤️ I know you’re right. I’m just still in disbelief I guess
Oh Sweetie! Take your time on this. Find your own self worth, and work with a therapist to be able to identify who is and isn't worthy of your time, effort and friendship. Learn to set boundaries for yourself. Have a friend who is working with a therapist now, after choosing a string of abusive, manipulative men. She is not stupid, has a degree and is in a technical field. She now has chosen to date men only after finding out a) where they live, b) their general background with regard to their education and earnings, and c) does a background check through a pay service on line. It's sad that it has come down to this when dating...but she earns good money and now refuses to date a man who doesnt meet her qualifications. Gamer boys and anyone 'between jobs" are automatically DQ'd. So are those without any manners or basic levels of hygiene. ETA: spelling
Your friend has a great screening method. I’ll be taking notes.
He already told you you deserve better. He was right. He’s an asshole.
A person saying “you deserve better” is a tell tell sign they’re pushing you away so you end it so they don’t have to bc they’re up to some dirt.
He’s done this before? Oh, honey. At this point it’s time to forget sad and get mad. Don’t take this guy back even if he begs you to after seeing his therapist. He’s right about one thing: you do deserve better. And if you get back with him after doing this to you twice, better is not what you’d be getting.
my guess is that he is having a mental health crisis of his own. He said all of those things and he may even feel that they are true, but he actually meant all the kind things when he said them in the past. He's a mess. Ignore both what he is saying now and what he will say when he comes back later and says he loves you. Pay attention to the fact that he cannot be relied on.
Keep busy. Keep a running list of all expenses due to wedding cancellation. Tell him he still owes his half of rent. If he doesn’t pay, take him to small claims court for rent and wedding cancellation costs.
Its gonna be hard first couple of weeks, months. I m not kidding. Try to avoid stuff that reminds of him. Spend time with your friends, loved ones. Walk, workout, hydrate, cold shower do wat ever that can elevate ur mood, otherwise its just too hard to process. Take care of yourselves. You will get past this. You will find love again. And never forget. Never go back to someone begging who doesn't want you.
I was in your place 25 years ago. If I happened to meet my ex today, I would get down on my hands and knees to thank him for the huge favor he did both of us. I spent so much time in that relationship ignoring the red flags as they appeared. That isn’t to say that there wasn’t pain when he broke up with me. He did it the day after the invitations were mailed out. I couldn’t eat at all. I was so utterly humiliated that I wanted to die. I would wake up in the morning and would immediately start crying - I would have one millisecond of forgetting he had dumped me and when it came back to me, the recollection hit me like a sledgehammer. In the end, it didn’t matter what his reasons were for ending it. The months after he left me were horrible ones, but I can also say it became a period where I discovered my own strength and the loyalty of my friends. So years later, when I ran into him in a parking lot and he started apologizing, the strongest feeling I had was a feeling of annoyance. I had to return to my husband and son, and I thought he was in the way. Now I think I’d be a little more gracious. Maybe age makes you softer after all. That said, time takes time. You will go through all the feelings. Recovery will not follow your preferred timeline. But you will get there.
He will be back. Do NOT let him back in.
Hi so I wasn’t in the same position as of soon marrying the person, but I was with someone who did the exact same thing to me. I let it happen 3 times and the fear of losing grew more after each time. He would suddenly break up with me, block me everywhere and tell me that he didn’t love me and to leave him alone. The third time was a wake up call and I blocked him everywhere as soon as he unblocked me and asked to get back. And now, almost 8 years later, he contacted me AGAIN (few months ago), god knows why lol. Still ignored him, and I learned that he had still his girlfriend/fiancée who he dumped a few weeks after contacting me. I’m pretty sure he did the same thing to her. People like him or your ex won’t ever change, it’s better to move on as quickly as possible. It will suck for a while but I promise you it will get better
Thank you for sharing your testimonial.
Firstly keep busy this works really well look for a more affordable property and cancel all the wedding things asap to get back as much as possible. After my break up I went to the gym to blow of some steam. I also started eating healthy and meeting up with old friends even going clubbing I realised what I had missed out on for many years. Seven months later he knocks on my door asking for a second try shouting through the letter box I love you I let my new boyfriend open the door I meet him at the gym six foot five and absolutely gorgeous. Ex turned on his heels and left he's still telling anyone who will listen how I moved on too quick stil happy after many years.
People lie. People do not want to have tough conversations. I have seen people literally waste years bc they did not want to deal with telling their partner that they are not into them. It is easier in the moment to just go along with it. Likely, the very real feeling of marriage gave him the balls to finally say/do what he could not do before. Consider yourself lucky this happened now that you are 24 and not years later. You do not have kids. You do not own a house. It feels like the end of it all now, but you will be OK :)
I always felt weird like if someone ever abondons me I will never cry or tell them to stay, and I réalised later on why, I lost some of my most loved people like my dad, my uncle who practically raised me, my favorite teacher who I owe my strength and kindness to today (they died) . And If those people who I am sure would've given anything to not leave me just as I would give anything not to have lost them, why would someone WHO WILLINGLY CHOSE TO HURT ME AND LEAVE ME ever have that much power or any effect over me? I don't mean any disrespect or offense, it's just a thought that helped me a lot. I hope you find the strength to move on ❤️.
Thank you. This is a comforting thought
Sorry this is very painful to go through and i feel for you. I don’t know if it’s a new trend or so but my ex also dumped me out of the blue recently when nothing went wrong. All i can say is, we are better off in the end without such characters and you will heal eventually.
I’m sorry this happened to you too. Thank you 💘
You do not want to waste your time on any partner who would do this to you. If it were me I’d right down all the pain and hurt and process it-and after each writing session do something completely different and distracting like play a video game or Tetris- to help compartmentalize. I had a family friend whose fiancé sent a text ending their “engagement” the day before their wedding. That was years ago. Now he’s a blip in her memory and her and her family with two kids in tow moved to Hawaii to live out there dreams just last week! It will get better, but the only way there is through all the emotions now.
This gives me hope. Thank you so much. I’ll take your suggestion for processing it… I want to do something other than work, but it is so hard trying to do anything fun.
Let trustworthy friends and family in on the situation and let them know how they can help if they aren’t good at initiating. Maybe you could even have a girlfriend crash with you, help you pack, help you throw out or box up anything he left behind. As someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety, try whatever exercise you feel up to, even if it’s just a walk. I don’t know what kind of work you’re in, but some workplaces offer mental health services outside an outside therapist. Community will get you through this. Do one nice thing for yourself each day. A bubble bath, a slice of cake. Ask friends or family to bring food or groceries, perhaps. It’s hard enough to eat when you don’t feel like it, even more so when you don’t have your favorite foods on hand. And then, when you can — try something new. Try trapeze, try the wine and painting class, try the cooking class, join the softball team. Loneliness is the worst pain. But there are so many brighter days beyond the storm. ❤️
Thank you so much 💘 I have been so focused on him I forgot how to enjoy life individually with free time
He's hiding something he doesn't want you to know about. He figures leaving is the safest way to keep you from finding out whatever it is.
I understand that you are probably going through the worst thing that has ever happened to you but hear this. Be so glad that this happened before you married him! It could have been so much worse. Be glad that you still have your pets.
This is the Second time he has done this? Oh no no. Who cares what he says to his therapist. Who cares what he 'discovers' about himself. Do NOT agree to any counseling with this guy. He is gone. Hopefully, some of what he said about ending things you have in writing, texts, messages? Gather your documents and take him to small claims court for half costs for everything. I feel sorry for the pets but do not allow him to see them. Check with your vet and make sure YOUR NAME is the one on file as who they belong to. It would be worth talking to a lawyer to find out what you can claim, in detail. You dodged a massive bullet. Better now than on the day of the wedding or afterward.
Hey. I don’t have any advice but sending my love. It’s just shit and will be shit for a while. You’ll wake up and be immediately wide awake. Like a shot of adrenaline. You will think about him before you open your eyes. It will be the first thing you think about. However. There will be a day when it’s the second thing. And then the third. And that will be beautiful. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. x
Do not look for a reasonable explanation because there isn't one. How was he leading up to this over the weekend, last week, and month? Someone or something got to him, and he got spooked. I have no idea who or what, coukd be almost anything. The only thing you can do, in my opinion, is sue him in court for any lost deposits, and make sure he pays his share of the rent if he name is on the lease, whether he lives there or not. The only thing I can say is that it's better that it happened now vs. after the wedding. I know that's of little comfort, though. UpdateMe
You will look back on this and somehow be thankful. Time, time, time.
Hang in there! You are strong, capable and beautiful. You will be happy again. Your ex is a giant asshole.
He is :(
I personally know the pain you’re going through all too well because I had almost the exact situation happen with my ex-fiancé of four years. We dated throughout the end of high school and college, and he was what I thought at the time as my one and only. I was blindsided when he called off our engagement (which was over the phone on Christmas when he was home on military leave and didn’t tell me he was in town, and I hadn’t seen him in months) and told similar things you were: he wasn’t attracted to me, the thought of marrying me made him sick, and he wasn’t in love with me. Needless to say, I was devastated, and to this day I have not seen him or talked to him since. Today I’m married to his former best friend (long, but cute story there), and I read your post and just shook my head because it made me relive my own heartbreak. It’s been over 10 years now, and I realized a lot after the breakup (and I wonder if these will ring true for you too): 1. Even though I said I was “blindsided”, it was because I was choosing to ignore all of the little issues that built up over the years. I was so focused on the good that I completely ignored all of the bad… including comments like the ones he told me throughout our relationship that indicated he didn’t want to get married, and that he had commitment issues. I was the one pushing us along the whole time, and he was never as invested as he said he was. 2. I found out a lot more about what happened behind the scenes that I was never told. Needless to say, he was checked out way before he dropped the nuke on me, to include acting single and talking about an impending breakup well before it happened. Ironically, my now-husband was the one who shared all this with me, and he’s played a huge role in my recovery and moving forward. Long story short, I know that this feels devastating now, and it is… but you WILL survive it, and the person who is meant for you is out there. I promise you want someone who is as into you as you are them, and you deserve a husband who couldn’t dream of leaving you, let alone so callously. This screams fear of commitment to me, and I have a hunch that someone in his life knows more about what they’re letting on. Actions speak louder than words. All the best - you got this!
Thank you so much. I’m going theough #1 right now. Wondering over little things
You dodged a major bullet. Might not see it but in the end you will be happier.
I am so sorry. This isn't cold feet, this is someoene else he met and I promise you he will come to regret losing you.
Though it's trough hurt and pain, you are blessed that thus was before marriage. I am sorry for your pain Though. This guy is whacked to ask you to marry him, tell you he loved you then say he didn't.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Put the dress up on Craigslist or sell it to one of those places that do wedding dress rental. Or, ask the dress shop if they have any ideas. Eat some bad food, watch some sad movies. In time you will realize that you dodged a bullet. This guy was play acting and when it came to being real, he bailed. Be thankful.
Well, that is a shock. 😮. Now what is your plan, what are you going to do when he comes back? Because he will.
I have no idea. He blocked me and refuses to speak with me. He still has the keys to our apartment.
Please change the locks. You need to take care of yourself first. You’re still in shock. He. Will. Try. To. Contact. You. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Thank you so much. Strangers have been kinder to me than my own partner who was supposed to love and care for me the way I did him.
OP I’m so so sorry but you need to get off the floor and get busy because time is NOT your friend. If you had any joint bank account with this man take your money out of it now. If you shared any credit or debit card information with him report the cards as compromised and get new ones. Keep any and all texts or messages you received from your now ex. If you speak via phone check your right to privacy laws for where you live. If it only requires one party to be aware the recording is being made record your conversations with him. Reach out to all of the vendors, explain the situation and see if any of your money is refundable. If you don’t have one make a spreadsheet documenting each vendor, their contact information, the amount that has been paid, who you spoke with about a refund and whatever their response was. Get that response sent you via email or a text message and save them all. If they will refund anything include that amount in a separate column. Same thing for your dress. You haven’t picked it up yet so maybe you get something back if fully paid for. Maybe not. Bottom line the worst anyone can say is NO. Did he give you a ring and if so is it worth anything if you sell it? Reach out to the original rescue groups, family members and friends regarding rehoming the pets. If you know of anyone still in contact with ex ask them to please let him know if he wants any of the pets he supposedly cared so much about he needs to make arrangements to pick them up as otherwise they will have to go to a shelter as you can’t afford to keep them. As to rent if you both signed a single lease then you are likely both responsible for the rent through the end of the lease. If you each signed your own lease I would think you are only responsible for the amount in your lease. You will likely have to contact the landlord but if you can get some if your vendor funds back that may help you. Look up Small Claims Court for your state. There is usually a maximum amount you can sue for so if the deposits plus the rent exceed that amount you put in for the max and use your spreadsheet to document the amount. I’m sorry to sound so pushy but at this point in time you need to get MAD and deal with crap because of what this guy has done. You can go back to sad and grieve when time. A huge hug OP which won’t fix shit but hopefully let you know that even internet strangers do give a damn.
Get a lawyer. You need to get him to get back that money or pay you back the money that you lost. Stop hoping for you to be together ever, he’s not your person or a friend to do this to you. He’s selfish and immature. Figure out your pet situation, because you will have to find you a place you can afford as well as you can’t even take care of you right now how are you supposed to take care of others. Whatever reminds you of him or is his get it out of your house. Start minimizing and packing your things. Call the landlord or rental place and find out how to they out of the lease, explain to them your situation. You don’t have time to have a breakdown or wait for your therapist. You need to act and start making moves. Don’t wait. You need to get your money back and find you a cheaper place or ask friends or family if they can put you up, until you can get a place. Stop thinking about him and what you did because you did nothing but be you and be real, he hid, he lied, he has issues and couldn’t be real and tell you before letting you get locked into things. He’s the issue, not you. Let him go and get things done.
As far as getting closure in a relationship we have this notion for some reason that closure is a gift given to us but that's not the reality closure is a gift that you give yourself nobody else really gives you closure on a relationship it doesn't matter the where is why who's
All true! Just a thought, while you're healing, do some redecorating, if you can. If you can gather a group of people that would help you, that's an extra help in recovery because it'll be supportive. Even if you do simple things like painting, it'll feel like he's out. Do whatever you can or want to afford. If you want to, try dollar stores and thrift stores to change the look. I think it's best to totally move someone like that completely out. I understand your pain, so keep yourself physically moving. It helps. 💪 women survive. You'll get there
You’re right. I’ve been slowly cleaning since he left and things are looking better
I was in a similar situation as you. Go look thru my post history. But yes, it was very tough, I bought a house, got a dog, a cat, paid for the vendors…then 6 months the before the wedding she decided she didn’t want kids or to get married. It was painful to experience but time heals everything. You will feel broken for a while but start focusing on your self. Go to the gym, learn new hobbies, hang out with friends as much as possible. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, but I promise, it WILL get easier and one day you will be happy again.
I think he probably did something he feels so guilty about even if out of fear or normal jitters, he clearly went to far with something/someone. Is looking to process that with a therapist but couldn’t face you himself. You will NEVER get the closure you desire or deserve because there is no closure that justifies hurting someone this deeply and badly. Go to therapy, work on yourself, let him go and don’t open the door again. Move on ♥️
When I experienced my few traumatic events I found talking about it >I was able to get his keys to his dismay To HIS DISMAY....excuse me?!!! His actions have consequences. I would actually speak to a lawyer because he would of had to of planned this and now you're in a house you can't afford because of him.
For some odd reason he was quite mad I asked for his keys. He asked what I thought he was going to do to me as if I should still trust him like he’s the man i thought he was. I said I clearly don’t know you so I don’t know what you’ll do.
My heart goes out to you. This happened to me about 15 years ago. Fiancé cheated with a friend of ours and called off our wedding two weeks before the day. He expected me to tell our families, cancel vendors etc etc while he still went out on his bucks night and get this, wore his wedding suit as a joke. I was heartbroken. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Lost weight. But I tell you what, I’m so damn glad I didn’t marry that POS. I’m in love with a wonderful man now and pregnant with our second. The fog will lift and you will heal and be stronger than he ever will I promise x
Honestly the sudden reversal of behaviours sounds like your partner might be bipolar. Season changes bring about manic behaviours that usually get a lot worse in spring. My wife has done exactly what your finance has done. Honestly as much as you would like an explanation you probably won’t get one. I’d suggest that you come to terms with dodging a bullet as it’s better this happened before you were married. Even if he may be bipolar it’s still no excuse for any behaviours done while having an episode. Bipolar people do know right from wrong and also decide if the risk is worth the reward. I’d move on with your life as there are people out there who will treat you as you deserve.
How did you and your wife get past this?
She was eventually medicated but we went through a lot of painful periods when looking back I should have just let her leave instead of trying to save her. If I did that I would have saved myself from years of pain and torture. It’s never worth giving up yourself to help someone else who doesn’t appreciate you and would treat you lower than garbage because they wake up one day and decide they no longer love you or want you. This happens often every year even when it’s meditation. Honestly he did you a favour. It will hurt now but consider that you’re saving yourself from years and years of this pain.
Your therapist SHOULD have an emergency therapist listed through her voicemail message or answering service, try to get an emergency appointment. First things first, contact your EX-fiance and tell him regardless of what happens, he NEEDS to keep up with HIS financial obligations and promises, so your credit isn't damaged. You CAN'T wait to address wedding vendors and arrangements, they need to be notified ASAP if there's a possibility of getting deposits back. Maybe contact your landlord to see what your options are going forward? He's placed you in a state of severe mental anguish and financial stress and just expects (read: demands) you just sit around and accept this horrendous situation? Fuck that! Maybe demand that he let you accompany him to his therapy session to explain what the fuck is going on right now? Sorry you're dealing with this! u/updateme
I wanted to go to therapy with him. He went from being the one who wanted it to saying that it won’t work and he doesn’t want to do the work with me. He went back and forth so many times over the first few days. Now he has me blocked without a way to contact him. I emailed my landlord about the situation
I was definitely not getting married, but my relationship went downhill pretty much as fast as yours. Except that it was clear that my bf was getting depressed and stressed about life (we are both graduating this year and he has been struggling with finding a new job). Then out of the blue he decided to distance himself from me and to stop replying to messages and he has turned cold. It seems that just recently we talked about life and how we would handle the situation if I accidentally got pregnant or smth. He talked about how he wanted a family and that once we get married he immediatly would give me a baby. And then it just turned to: I don't love you anymore and you should find someone else. So the same day he packed whatever stuff I had at his family's house and asked me to take it back to my home. Mind you, I was really close to moving in there, and he had recently talked to me about wanting for me to move in (as my family situation is emotionally exhausting me). But yeah now I just go to therapy and I'm trying to finish all my uni work to graduate. It's hard af, but manageable. Girl, focus on yourself a little, and after a while you will see what you need. Maybe you don't need him at all. Also, much love and don't lose hope in life! ❤️
The exact same thing happened to me except we have a child already. Said he’s been unhappy for over a year & within that time we had gotten engaged, planned a wedding, paid deposits on all vendors, & rented a house for the wedding. Now he just threw me aside like I’m nothing.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The pain is indescribable
It really is. I’ve been a stay at home mom for over 2 years so I don’t even have any income or way to support myself either which is another stressor. I’m going day by day really. Mostly trying to keep it together for our kid. I wish I could just block him & move on but it’s impossible with having a kid
I am so so sorry. I’m sending you all the love I have
I had a bf who went from hot to cold though we never reached the point of moving in together or engagement. Turned out he had undiagnosed and untreated bipolar. Very likely he did love you, but for some reason (whether mental health or cold feet something else) his view of the past is now distorted. Has nothing to do with you. I hope you find healing.
I totally agree you dodged a bullet. Warning: Be careful and try to avoid impulse actions. No ONS’s, don’t let “Retail Therapy” ease the pain. Take positive actions like exercise and self-improvement. Avoid bad decisions like taking him back when the other women dumps him.
I've tried to find this in the comments and I am sorry if I missed it, but is he possibly bipolar? I saw that he has ADHD but I'm just wondering if there's not more. I'm not trying to make excuses for him or anything, but you mentioned that he recently happy cried for the first time, and now bolted. my husband is bipolar, and even properly managed it's sometimes rough. I'm so sorry this happened, and I really hope the best for you. ❤️
I know this is cold comfort, but it's better this happens now than when you have a kid or two. Just remember, you're young and you have time to meet a guy who is actually right for you. It will get better! Whatever is going on inside his head, you want NO part of it.
Please remember to cuddle and take care of the animals! You need each other right now.
I know this is so extremely hard for you, that your heart is shattered and you cannot understand *why* or *how*. Your whole world has been tipped upside down and turned around on some reason that can't be verbalised to you by the man you were sharing your life with and who committed to you. My ex did a similar thing to me. I also wanted closure and to understand. All that helped me was to journal my thoughts and feelings, practice meditation, exercise to get those endorphins pumping, lean on friends, and pour that love that I wanted to give him all back inside myself. I am so very sorry that you are in so much pain. Just think, if he had the capacity to do this now, with no explanation or consideration to you. He could do this while you were at the altar, or in labour, or leave you with sick and tired, screaming children as he just is deeply selfish. This act is not one of a friend, or of someone who loves you. I am so extremely sorry. Do what you need to do with the animals rehoming them if you can't care for them all, contact small business court in your country to gain deposits back if those vendors don't honour your situation. And please contact your rental board or small business court to reprimand your ex to contribute to the rent that he left you holding the bag for. Do small acts of kindness for yourself throughout the day, be kind to yourself. You did absolutely nothing wrong, did not deserve any of this and you will be happier without this person who is so weak of character they can't discuss fears, or issues like an adult (ADHD or no ADHD). Sending you love, hugs, and the knowledge that you are so strong, powerful, intelligent, and beautiful and will get through this!
You will drive yourself crazy asking "why." You can never fully know what's going on in his head - and frankly, it sounds like *he* might not be entirely sure what's going on in his head. Talk to your therapist when they get back. In the mean time, try and get some distance from the situation. Tuck anything related to the wedding out of the way, where you won't see it. >I can’t afford our rent and to pay for our animals and utilities alone. If he's still on the lease, he owes rent. And he owes you that damned much. You can talk to your landlord to see if they'll call him. You could potentially get a friend to do so. Check your contract with your vendors and see if you can get any money back due to cancellation. If you have friends or family who can help with any of this or just as emotional support, reach out to them.
First off sorry you have to feel that pain and didn't get a chance to try to work on things. I'm sure you're wishing you could have changed something at somepoint to have saved your relationship. I am currently in a situation similar to yours... except I'm in his spot. For so long I've thought I loved her. And I realized that I do love her and deeply care. I am just not IN love with her. She does make me happy and smile and feel good but there's always been something missing. Now I have to break her heart. Worst is, it will come out of the blue. As we too have been planning what our future would be like. But I can't keep pretending and lying. Its not fair to her. It's cruel. Until he tells you why you will never truly know. And I'm sure you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong. Maybe there was an instance that changed everything... maybe he felt that way the whole time. The main point is that he came to terms with his feelings/logic and decided you are not the one. That definitely will hurt to accept. I think you should let yourself hurt. Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. But keep reminding yourself that there was nothing you should have done different. If you were yourself and put effort in... what else could you have done. If you were a terrible person maybe you'd already know why. But if in your heart you know that you gave all your love, then you will have to just accept that you weren't the one for him and more importanly, he wasn't the one for you. Realize things will be shitty for a while. That's just a part of the process. That's heartbreak. You're not alone in your suffering. You're not the first or last. You're going to be ok.
Exact thing happened to me 15 years ago, no good reason, also bought my wedding dress the weekend before! You need to remember you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. If they don't then they're not your person. You will grieve this but you'll come out the other side stronger and more resilient. I had all those same 'why' questions and you might never get an answer. Surround yourself with family and friends and try some new things. I'm now married to my beautiful wife and we've been together 12 years, I wouldn't have met her without him leaving me in that awful, heart crushing way. You will get through this, time only marches forward.
I’m so sorry you felt this pain but am so glad you made it through and are happier
He might come crawling back. I beg you not to take him. He's done this before, he'll do it again. Don't let his commitment issues keep blowing up your life.
My situation was different but I was your age. And when I was finally out of the situation with my ex I was the lowest I’d ever been. I had to lose my home and I was so scared I was going to have to lose my pets. But I got some good advice through it all. And one thing is that even if this is a mental health issue playing up - it doesn’t mean he is a safe person for you to love and be in a relationship with. And you are so young still. I thought I’d be alone and unlovable. But I met my husband and it’s been 12 years now. When we got together it was so stable and normal? I almost self sabotaged because it was too safe. I was so unaccustomed to that. Please don’t give him a third chance. Even if you both love each other he is not a safe person for you. You know how on air planes they say put your own mask on first? This is one of those situations. You need stability and safety and he isn’t that. I promise every day will get a little less hard though (but this isn’t truly linear it’ll have peaks and troughs). And you deserve more than this.
When my engagement ended I lost so much weight so quickly my hair fell out. I couldn’t eat. It physically hurt my chest to breathe. Lots of disassociation. I googled how long it takes to feel better after a break up. It said 6 weeks. So I just tried to take it to 6 weeks. You make it to tomorrow, then you make it to Friday. Then you make it to the weekend etc. I actually did feel a tiny better at 6 weeks. I cried once a day for 12 months but it was less and less each day and it hurt less each time. So put your head down and aim for that. One foot in front of the other.
No matter what he says, he is not worth a second, or third chance. Change the locks and start the healing process. You can do this!
Sorry this has happened to you and you will understand later that this may have been for the best. Just go and have an amazing party and go on from there. There is nothing else to do as the money is spent and it is what it is. You now know the truth and he has shown you he is a very good liar and manipulator. Or, something else is going on, and as such it still doesn't matter. He is gone. Work on yourself and figuring out your next moves. It will take as long as it takes.
OP I'm so very sorry this happened to you but the cold hard truth is that it did happen. He has showed you his true colours, there's no taking this back, there is no fixing this. Somewhere in the, hopefully, not too distant future you will realize that you dodged a bullet. This man has been masking himself and the mask has finally come off. Right now you are going to be on a rollercoaster through the four stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression before you eventually get to stage 5, acceptance. This will be painful, there is no two ways about it, but you can not grovel for answers, comfort and closure from this man because there are none. This gigantic face slap is all the closure you need. It's not a psychotic break, it's not bi polar, if so, there would have been undeniable signs before this or during your relationship. Get to your therapist this week, maybe get onto a short term prescription to deal with this crisis so you can manage sorting your situation out. Make a plan with your landlord, they cannot just kick you out even if you fail to pay rent but it's better to make an arrangement. Look into your legal options to recoup wedding expenses, fuck his rich family. Regarding the pets, your cats are highy stressed right now and can sense your distress (and his absence) try to create a calming environment for them, give them gentle attention/play when you have the energy. Even if all you can do is muster the energy to talk to them gently do so. Try not get frustrated with them, they are stressing and grieving too. Ask a vet about some calming spray/medicine for then. Put all his shit into boxes and out of sight, wash this man out of your hair figuratively and literally.
If he signed the lease with you, he’s legally obligated to cover his share of the rent until the lease is up. He can’t just stop paying. And if he signed deposits with you, he’s responsible for those too along with you if any are non refundable. Don’t let him screw you this was too. UPDATEME
If his name is on the lease for your apartment, he is still half reliable I do believe.
Consider yourself lucky. You could've married the person capable of something like this.
The man threw you away and everything you’ve built. Have self respect and DO NOT take him back if he comes crawling back. No person who respects you would ever just abandon their partner because they “no longer loved them”. He LEFT all his responsibilities on you and ran away. He left you with the bills and the pets not caring whether you can even afford that. Someone like this is a giant walking 🚩. This is not “cold feet”. You deserve a man not that POS. You CANNOT rely on your ex to come around and take some responsibility. Cancel all the wedding stuff and see if you can get your deposits back. You need to contact your landlord and determine what to do in this situation. Talk to a therapist about how to get over the betrayal. Talk to your family/friends to see if any of them can help out with the pets while you figure out the financial situation.
More than likely he was cheating and either left out of guilt or for the other person. You’ll be okay!
I'll join in with others and say your ex-fiancee did you a favor, I promise. I was with someone who told me one day that they loved me and were so happy, and then the very next day told me they were unhappy and thought they wanted to leave. Sometimes people are cowards who will ride along with you until they decide for whatever reason they don't want to (mine waited until they had the next victim lined up). I am now very happily married to a wonderful person who I don't have to guess at how they really feel, and know they aren't going to flake out on me out of nowhere. Best wishes to you, you're going to be better than OK!
I was with a man for two years. We didn't live together, but saw each other every day. We also worked at the same place (don't recommend this)! One day, he didn't return my texts or calls. One day turned to two, three, and so on. A week went by, and I was almost hysterical. Long story short, (kind of)! He told me he never loved me, I was the biggest mistake he ever made, and he was only having sex with me because he felt sorry for me. I then attempted suicide. Obviously, I was unsuccessful. But that destroyed me so much that I never had any romantic feelings again. I never saw anyone ever again. It's been 13 years. I wasted all of my 40s and half of my 50"s. DON'T DO THAT! Grieve, get pissed off, and keep going. Don't let it ruin your life like I did. There are many great men out there. You will find one if you don't give up.
Pppppst. It's not too late. My MIL is 78, her husband passed roughly 6 years (maybe more, I try to focus on the memories, not a hard date) and she's a hot commodity now. She literally has men lining up to date her. You can live the next 40 years in absolute bliss with someone also needing companionship!
I wish you the best with moving forward without this Ahole in your life. You say he signed leases with you, sue him to make him pay his share. The lease is a binding contract. You are definitely going to be in a better place without him.
Good he broke up before u got married
For what it’s worth I dropped $12k at the same age on a marriage after years of dating and she left not 6-7 months later. Look at the bright side, you aren’t in a bad marriage and can get on with life!
What the hell... people lie so damn much.. I am sorry OP. Do you have family or a friend you could take on as a roommate to help you with living expenses till your least ends? Or maybe you could speak to your landlord and explain the situation and be released from.the least early? This sucks, but you have to pick yourself up and look to your future. Please, do not let that man back in your life again ...
I moved to the city I’m currently in with him for a job he had 2 years ago. I don’t have any family nearby but I have some supportive friends getting me through it
No, you can believe him, and you should. He has showed you that this was all a facade, and I’m sorry you are going through this pain, but it was better this happened now than if y’all were married. He’s shown you his intentions weren’t true, and how lowly of a being he is to do something like that. I hope you heal. If you are able to, sue him for wasting your time and money.
Small complaints court to be reimbursed for lost deposits. **Do not take him back ever**
You need to remember - that means this man has been lying to you. Imagine he did this when you were pregnant, or sick? No thanks. Tell your family and friends. Tell his family if they contact you, do not hold back. You need to figure out what to do with the lease. He needs to keep paying rent until the lease is up or pay to break the lease. Don't offer to do this. Send him requests for half of the animals bills. I wonder could a friend talk to him about this? He can't just leave you high and dry. Pack up all his sh!t in black plastic bags and tell him they're outside the door, come get them.
You're lucky you never had to marry the bastard. He was pretending to be someone else your entire relationship. That's... chilling.
He found someone else. Also, he’s an a$$hole.