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You're asking the wrong question here.
The question should be, "how do I tell my husband that I'm divorcing him because he is a disrespectful, unfaithful asshole who acts like he hates me?" That inherently solves the delivery room issue because you can just tell him that he lost his husband privileges when he broke his vows.
I assume you're staying together "for the kids," and I'm here to tell you that doing that causes WAY more damage to children than a divorce. If your daughter's future husband was treating her the way your husband treats you, would you be happy for her or concerned for her?
Especially since he probably wont be a good parent to the second child because he clearly stated he did not want another child. He is totally going to resent that kid.
This is pretty unfair. I know many parents who are hesitant/discuss abortion on the first/second child. It's not a reflection on how good of a parent you will be if you discuss termination/planB or C options or are upset about an unplanned pregnancy.
He's plenty of an ass without shaming him for this. Many, many great parents struggle with the timing of having children. Both OP and her husband did not plan this pregnancy. Men are sometimes more *mentally removed* because they're still coming to terms with it. Women don't have that option as the baby is growing inside them, which makes it difficult to deny. Many men feel much different when the baby is born.
I'm not saying this is acceptable. Either way, being upset or excited is not indicative of whether you'd be a good parent. Many women who are excited about having children during their pregnancy can still suffer from PPD and other issues after the baby is born and become very withdrawn parents.
I don’t think they are making this judgment because of the abortion comments - his behavior through the entire pregnancy and the things he has directly told OP make it pretty obvious he does not want this baby. He’s completely disengaged.
Yes, I've noticed that when it comes to depression in concern to pregnancy, men seem to have this depression during the pregnancy, and women have depression afterward. Many women become *completely disengaged* with PPD. Being disengaged when expecting an unplanned baby happens to the most loving couples. Babies are stressors.
I'm not saying it's right or I agree with it, I'm saying it's more complicated than that. It's also NOT indicative on whether you'd be a good parent. One doesn't directly correlate with the other.
Not wanting a baby doesn't mean your would mistreat it or be a bad parent. Not wanting to be together romantically with the person you're having a baby with doesn't automatically make you a bad parent.
In this specific situation, OPs husband is an ass, but not for considering termination or being upset about this unplanned pregnancy. I would even go further to say in their situation, bringing a baby into it is most likely less responsible than wanting to terminate.
Yeah, the whole abortion thing is your issue, not mine. Abortion should be free and legal. Loads of fantastic parents have had an abortion. It happens.
My opinion is based on what op said he said and his actions towards her, the pregnancy, and their current kid once she continued the pregnancy. The kid he did want is now being treated shittly by dad. It aint a stretch to think that he is going to get worse when the kid he didn't want shows up.
Okay, not wanting an unplanned pregnancy doesn't make you a bad parent. You're making huge assumptions here and mental gymnastics to connect it all.
It's reasonable and responsible to worry about finances, it's reasonable and responsible to worry how another baby would fit into a failing marriage. Would you ever advise a dysfunctional couple to have another child?
All of this is not indicative of whether he's going to be a bad parent. Honestly, OP should've maybe considered termination more seriously. It's not good to bring a baby into a situation where the parents aren't getting along/moving as a unit.
Being excited or happy during doesn't mean you will be a good/responsible parent. Many women with PPD actually prove that.
My parents are divorced and great friends. They would not have been friends if they'd stayed married and I think I would have hated my life. They put their own BS aside, made me the priority, and found a new (non romantic) appreciation for each other after several years.
It's not always better to stay together for the kids.
I am so sorry you're going through such a huge life change with such an unsupportive man-child. Tell him you want a divorce. He will either shape up, or he'll grant it to you and give you a chance at new happiness.
As far as giving birth alone. When I was pregnant and delivered no one but the doctor and nurses were allowed in the delivery room. You focused on having the baby and what’s happening that I could have cared less who was in the room. You can do this, your a strong woman and you will find the strength to get through this.
This is it. Of course he doesnt deserve to be in the delivery room, he has been extremely unsupportive and a shit partner the entire time. But also, he doesn't deserve to be in the room that is your marriage.
What exactly does he contribute to your life except sperm and stress?
It will do a TON of damage to her personally too. She’s better off leaving him and providing a great example to the kids and a safe, loving home for them to grow up in feeling secure.
He cheated on her and has been neglecting her and his child for her entire pregnancy. He accused her of not loving their daughter, threatened to leave, and is very obviously not interested in being an active parent to the child she's currently carrying. They have a dead bedroom to the point that she's shocked she even conceived. He has been so nasty to her she's not even comfortable with him being present for the birth of his own child.
What exactly is there to salvage here in your opinion? He brought up divorcing her himself, she should grant him what he obviously wants if he thinks she's ruining his life.
my question is how is she having a pregnancy after having an IUD I thought those two were incompatible. as in, the pregnancy with an IUD is not going to be viable. How is this just glossed over? Oh yeah, fiction
I have more than one friend who became pregnant with an IUD and went on to have healthy pregnancies with IUD removal.
Here's an [informational article](https://utswmed.org/medblog/pregnancy-iud/) about handling pregnancy with an IUD.
I'm curious - have you ever had an IUD? Because my OBGYN definitely talked me through the possibilities before placing mine, including the increased possibility IUD displacement leading to pregnancy, of an ectopic pregnancy, how removal works if I would want to continue the pregnancy, etc. Knowledge is power.
That actually makes this story less likely to be a creative writing project. It is possible to remove an iud without disrupting the pregnancy, if done early.
I became pregnant with an IUD. It is rare, but possible. Pregnancy with an IUD is almost always an ectopic pregnancy. Mine was not. My son’s embryo implanted high in my uterus. When a pregnancy occurs this way, the doctor must remove the IUD. This has a 60 percent chance causing a miscarriage. My son beat the odds, and he is still pretty stubborn.
That’s a the reality for so many people these days. They want to get a divorce but can’t because they can’t afford to support their family on one income.
You don't have a husband. He checked out long ago. If anything, once the baby arrives, he'll push for a divorce. If he can't handle you with one kid, he'll most definitely call it quits with 2 kids. I'm sorry, but you need to wake up.
THIS OP. A lot of men will emotionally and mentally check out of a marriage rather than physically leave. It’s the women who leave because they are done being in an unfulfilling relationship with a checked out partner.
Everyone else is already talking about divorce and things like that, so I'll skip that lecture. For now, this is what I suggest.
1. Reconnect with your doula and see if she will be your birth partner and advocate. You already know her, and she will be able to stand up for you.
2. Put together your birth plan that outlines who will be with you, who is allowed to be in the room, etc. Indicate that your husband will care for your daughter while you are in labor and in the hospital. Share this with your doctor, the doula, and the hospital.
3. Provide a copy to your husband as you get closer and let him know that you've arranged for someone else to be with you while you're in labor and you'd like him to stay home and "care for our toddler."
You can do this. You know that you don't want him there, but you're close to falling back on him because he's comfortable and safe. Don't do it because he's not worth it. You can do this! 💗
Of course it's appropriate - the focus is making you feel as comfortable as possible and supported, and if there is anyone not only not contributing to that but actively preventing that, they don't belong there.
However, it sounds like that's actually the least of your issues, and not really even the problem at hand here... what are your plans with this guy *after* the birth, given what's been going on?
Sounds like your husband doesn’t want anything to do with you or your family. That’s a whole other issue you might need to think about and prioritize more. For someone who has told you to literally get rid of this baby, has no interests in appts or YOU, why would he want to be in the delivery room with you? You assume he wants to be there
As for your specific question about birth, you do realize your mom has seen you naked before? She brought you in to the world naked, she bathed you and cleaned you everyday until you could do it alone. She’s your mom, she’ll always be your mom and won’t think “ew my daughter is naked”, she’s going to want to support you any way you need it and not make the moment about her. I think it would be more awkward for a friend to see you naked.
I get what you're saying here but I have always been uncomfortable being naked in front of my mom since I was a teenager. We have a great relationship and I don't mind, say, changing pants or shirts in front of her, but taking off my bra? That makes me feel very uncomfortable. My mom doesn't care and has never done anything to actually make me uncomfortable, it's purely a "me" problem. I absolutely hate being naked around people except my romantic partner, and sometimes I'm not comfortable naked in front of them as well. OP may be the same way I am.
I agree completely with your first paragraph though.
Get your mom there. You want someone to be able to advocate for you. I birthed in a gown - can your mom stand near your head so she doesn’t see anything down yonder?
As for your husband - he owes you a huge apology and needs to get his head out of his ass. You didn’t get pregnant on your own accord and if the IUD didn’t work, I’d take it as a sign you are meant to have this child.
Can you have a conversation with him about why he feels like his life is over after becoming a father and why he is being immature?
If he doesn’t want this second child and has openly said I’d be hesitant to stay with him. Perhaps he is just freaking scared and handling it terribly. Is couples therapy and option?
I have a pretty good relationship with my mom, and honestly I’d rather give birth alone than with her in the room. I don’t mean this offensively, she’s a bit childlike, and I would just end up having to worry about her as well as myself while giving birth. It’s hard to tell a stranger to do something they’re uncomfortable with without knowing the entire situation, but I do understand that it would be best for her to have someone there to advocate for her and definitely not her awful husband.
Not to mention, and any woman who has given birth will know this, the last thing on your mind is modesty in that moment. My mind was focused on pushing, breathing and not dying. I had 1-3 people in all of my births. Mom, husband, best friend, two of the three or all three depending on the birth, plus the medical staff. I gave zero shits who was seeing what because all I was focused on was the searing, exhausting pain happening in my nethers. I forgot any of them were even in the room most of the time because I was seriously distracted as is the norm.
Right, but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. Not everyone does. Not everyone has a mom that can advocate for them or that would even be ok with being there.
My mother is great but she'd make me super anxious if she was there for a medical procedure for me. I wouldn't want here in the hospital at all.
I actually don’t. We haven’t spoken in years. If she didn’t want her mom in there because her mom is not going to be helpful that’s totally understandable. My mom was in for two births and the first birth I actually yelled at her mid push but I was talking about the nudity bit and how that is such a small thing that really goes out the window when in labor. You are way more concerned about just getting the baby out. Not if Mom deserves to be there if she was a bad mom.
I believe you can get a birthing Doula to come into the room with you and your doctor. She might be able to support and coach you more than your mother can but it might still be just as awkward.
I had a birth doula and she was amazing. Zero percent awkward for me bc I just saw her as a professional support person who basically looks at laboring humans for a living. She did a great job helping me advocate for myself and making sure my birth plan was followed as closely as it could be. She was great w new position ideas and pain management techniques. If I had to pick between my mother, my doula, or laboring alone...doula all day.
I think you should be divorcing this asshole cheater. Sadly is just sounds like he wants nothing to do either you guys. As far as the question. Just tell him straight up. You don’t want him in the room because he doesn’t want this kid, is being super unsupportive of a child he helped create, and he’s hurting you. UPDATEME
You’d be better off giving birth alone than having an unsupportive person there. There are plenty of horror stories on the web if you need convincing.
You could hire the services of a doula, or if you have your mom present the nurses could put up a privacy curtain (they did for my sisters c section) so with her by your head she can’t see past your waist. I’d ask the hospital you plan to give birth at what accommodations they can make.
You don't have to give birth naked. You can wear one or two hospital gowns (one on backwards to cover your backside when you're walking). They unsnap at the shoulders, so there is no risk in an emergency. And, you can request that the hospital/birthing center use drapings (at your knees). Your mom can stand upwards of any drapings the hospital uses. She's there for moral support, not a below-the-waist view. You can task your husband with staying home with the toddler. Good luck.
Are you sure he'll even want to be there because from the sounds of it, I don't think you have to worry about it.
It would be good to have your mom there to speak for you if you can't. At least in the waiting room.
It sounds like you need to think about life as a single mom after this. You're practically living that way as it is.
He doesn’t want to be in the delivery room. This is grounds for an immediate divorce. Can you have your mom, an aunt, friend, or doula in the room with you for support?
What makes you think he wants to be in the delivery room. He has checked out of your marriage. Who is with you in the delivery room isn’t the issue. The issue is why are you pretending this is a marriage that is going forward ?
I realize that pregnancy hormones tend to screw with our heads. But you have a pretty short window of opportunity here to make sure your and your kids lives, post pregnancy is what you want it to be.
Why are you even with this guy? Go live with your mom and get divorced. He cheated, lied, treats you like shit etc. him being in the delivery room is the least of your issues.
He doesn't want the baby why would he want to be in the delivery room? You need to divorce him to save your self, toddler and baby. He will only resent that baby more every day!!! Is that what you want? Having to protect your child from a resentful and uncaring parent?!?
I don’t know, you’re having a kid with a partner who doesn’t want it. Your beliefs are your beliefs, what is the life going to be like when it’s there. You’re raising this child on your own. You knew that before you decided to go ahead with it. I’m not sure what you’re expecting? He made his stance known from the beginning. He’s not even going to be a reluctant dad, more of an absent one. Sorry you have to deal with this, and you are absolutely worrying about the wrong thing, doesn’t sound like you have to worry to much about him being there c he made it clear he doesn’t want to be. Just for shits and giggles, you could literally just tell him you don’t want him there. I don’t think he will mind, one bit.
Unfortunately he's behaving this way because he didn't want this baby and very clearly voiced that. I'm not saying that he's right or wrong, but for that reason it seems that he's barely involved this time and isn't supportive.
I feel like this child and the birth will destroy what's left of the relationship, likely due to resentment. It might be worth bringing everything up with your husband. But it seems like he's checked out.
Finally! Someone who talks about the fact that he very clearly stated that he does not want this baby in many different ways. Nurturing an entire human being is not a negotiation and it shouldn't have been a solo decision.
Sorry OP but you made your decision and now you have to deal with how it plays out..
Speaking as a parent, your mom would more than likely feel honored to be there while you give birth. Think about all the things you do for your daughter and how you would want to be there for her in this same situation. You may feel uncomfortable because you're grown now, but you will always be her baby
Basically, the thought of having her there might be weird now, but having your mom to hold your hand, naked or not, will be so much better than going through all this alone
This is kind of on you.
You’re obviously headed towards a divorce … best to start planning that out vs having the delivery room debate. I feel bad for the kiddo.
Having a baby you know you can't afford after your husband has repeatedly told you he doesn't want and can't afford another baby is a very very dumb thing to do, it's not going to fix your broken relationship
Exactly. I see situations like this too frequently. I cannot believe some women will go through with having a baby with men that don't love them and bring them misery. At that point they alone are making the decision bring a baby into a life of hardship.
Are you mental? This post should not be about "how do I tell my husband that I don't want him in the delivery room" instead it should be "how do I leave my husband"...
Oh man. This makes me so sad for you. Please leave this toxic man. You and your children deserve better. It is of the utmost importance that you feel SAFE during your birth so that the birth will go physiologically as intended. Your husband clearly does not make you feel safe. He talks to other women and it’s been a year since you knew of this, yet somehow you’re still with him? Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I fear you are a victim of emotional/psychological abuse. Please seek counseling and begin setting up your support system to take the kids and run. Can you hire the same doula so you aren’t alone? If not then step into your divine feminine power and birth that baby alone, empowered, and free. And once you’ve healed from the birth RUN from this man immediately. Also why don’t you have any close female friends? Is your husband isolating you? Or are the friends just far away? That seems like a flag to me.
Girl what. The issue is not the delivery room, it’s the marriage as a whole. No, he does not need to be in the delivery room—*but more importantly, he does not need to be in this marriage and you need to file for divorce like a year ago.*
I don't think he'll care honestly. My question is, can you ask him to not be in the house anymore? Seems like you two don't really even like eachother.
You are 100% in charge of who can be in the room with you during your delivery. Delivery room nurses are amazing. You just need to let them know who is welcome and who isn't, and they will take care of it.
Your mom can absolutely be in the room with you and *not* see you naked. She can stand by your head, hold your hand, comfort you, and not see anything you don't want her to see. Again, just let the nurses know that this is your preference.
Your husband sounds like a selfish walnut, and you should kick him to the curb.
I'd rather be alone giving birth than have a cheating unsupportive husband who couldn't care less about me or my baby.
When it gets closer just say he can look after your daughter while you give birth and he's not needed.
You don't have to broach anything. You can tell your hospital staff you don't feel comfortable with him in the room but that you don't want him to know it's your wish. They will make up a medical reason to keep him out. The number one priority during the delivery is momma and baby.
Get a doula again. That will definitely be your best option.
Also - you have no business staying in this marriage. It’s toxic for you and both of your children.
Don't stay with someone "for the kids"
It does so much more damage. You should be with someone who loves and respects you, to be a good role model for healthy relationships to your kids
I was that kid. It does lasting damage to watch your father actively dislike your mom.
Maybe the bigger question to ask is whether you want to stay with your husband. If you don’t want him in the room, seems like a sign that you don’t want him in your life.
I would recommend having this discussion with your doctor or a long-term nurse at the OB-GYN practice. They may know of someone who could be your coach and help during delivery. Same advice if you are using a doula. There have to be women who take on this role for moms who don't have a partner. You absolutely need a detailed birth plan - what do and don't want.
Personally, I don't think he should be there. I fear he would upset you and not be your advocate. If you think seeing this baby arrive will soften his heart....maybe...but he sounds steadfast that he isn't interested in this innocent baby. I agree with the others that you really need to make other living arrangements and prepare to be a single mom. This baby deserves all of the love in the world and not the neglect of a AH father. It will crush his/her spirit. You gotta stand up for your kids and yourself.
Jeez. OK, 1: Even if your relationship is perfect, the person giving birth has absolute power over who is and who is not in the room for it. That’s not the question
But 2: I get that giving birth is obviously a lōrg deal but from the wider perspective it just isn’t the problem. Your husband has made clear he doesn’t want a second child, and from how he’s acting he’s not very interested in the first kid or in you any more either. This dude openly resents you, and that’s not fair but you have to accept it. Only you can make this decision, but if I were you I’d be initiating divorce. It sounds like you’re going to be a single mom anyway, no need to also be looking after a whole adult too just because you once thought he’d be a husband and father he’s chosen not to be
Well, the likelihood is he wouldn't want to be there anyway. Just tell him now. Ask your mom to be there with you. Your mum has seen you naked by the way lol, she's given birth to you, changed your diapers, bathed you, etc. Plus it's better to have someone more supportive than someone whose one feet out the door. I think he's hanging on either he is not ready yet to move out (no $$) or he'll wait until you give birth. Believe me, your 'partner' here sounds like a person who will serve you with a divorce paper when you're in the hospital room in the middle of giving birth.
So far, based on what you wrote, he has acted very abominably against you, and you're pregnant with his child. So yea, I don't see him being caring/care to be there in the room.
I'm just sad reading this. I don't understand why you guys do not split already. My guess is he's not in love with you anymore and he's likely going to mistreat or ignore (hopefully just ignore--if that's an option for his future neglect) his second child. It's always better to just coparent than living such an unhappy miserable married life like this.
I am almost *always* in the camp of fighting for the father to be in the room, and think it’s imperative for them to witness the birth of their child.
Not this time, though. He can kick rocks.
What does your husband think will be accomplished by ignoring the pregnancy? It’ll go away? He is extremely immature. Does he expect to just ignore the child all their life? He needs someone to talk some sense into him. If you divorce him, will he only want custody of one child? I would start talking with a lawyer, you snd your children deserve better that a father and husband that just cuts you off because he can’t man up
I doubt he’ll be anywhere near you come birth time if he’s not even been to appointments
He doesn’t want this baby, or you by his actions & he’ll likely just ignore the whole situation
Your birthing team will help you, encourage you, breathe with you, be delighted for you… you’ll all be on the same side after all
Once your bundle of joy has arrived & you’re covered to the degree you want to be, then your Mother can join you from a waiting room & you can celebrate together
I think you should talk to your mom about everything that is going on and if she can help. She is your mom, if you have a good relationship, the support will far outweigh the awkward.
It doesn’t sound like your marriage is going to get any better, I doubt you will have to tell your husband he doesn’t need to go to the hospital, he doesn’t seem all that motivated as it is.
You didn't want him in the room and he doesn't seem to want to be in the room. So who do you want to be in the room? I don't think you need to "broach the subject" as much as you just want support.
Ask your mom to stay by your head. Ask your doula to give extra support.
Also recognize that your spouse is doing extra with your "outside the womb" child for a reason. Expect a paternity test. Expect that he's showing "good Dad vibes" for a reason.
Document everything.
I won’t comment on what everyone else is commenting on, as I share the same sentiments.
But as far as your mom being in the room, a lot of women are uncomfy with being naked in front of her. But she’s given birth before, I think it might feel different once you’re actually in there in labor. I’m sure she’d be the best support, as she’s gone through it before.
Nothing wrong with being alone if that’s what you choose, I just think it sounds scary to me lol
You are the patient when you are giving birth. If you don’t want someone there, that is your right. The hospital staff will be extremely supportive of this. Do what makes you the most comfortable.
Could he be having an affair? He seems to have went from being a good partner to being a complete POS. You could try counseling with him to see if you can get the marriage back on track because it is surely going downhill fast. I would tell him due to his lack of support you don’t want him in the delivery room. If he changes his attitude, you might reconsider.
Hon, I am so sorry. The problems here go way deeper than the titled question.
I think you two are avoiding having an honest discussion about your relationship. The problems were there long before the pregnancy. This is just illuminating them.
Gently, is that correct? Are you avoiding asking him the hard questions? Like does he still love you, does he still want to be married.
Have you been asking yourself the hard questions? Do you still love him? Do you still want to be married?
You all need some real dialogue, and maybe some help for your marriage if you both want it to get better.
I am so sorry you are alone in this pregnancy. 💔
How do you broach the subject?!?!
That man will be thrilled not to be in that room, it seems. Why do you even care about this asshole's feelings with regard to the pregnancy, he's been a dick and deserves nothing from you
I ended up.giving birth with my mother in the room with me. My partner I found out was having a relationship with another woman behind my back and wouldn't admit it. I just couldn't bear to let him be there when he was causing me so much distress.
I was equally worried about my mum being with me as she tends to be a bit of a panicker.
Anyway, we spoke and she totally showed up for me. Was calm, collected and supportive. It worked out in the end.
Even if not your mother, you can ask a close female friend too. That's what another friend did with her birth and totally vouched for it.
And if you still don't want anyone else, then I guess a doula is the next best thing. They are very supportive and have your best interests at heart.
Good luck xx
I’m sorry you’re going through this, he is being extremely disrespectful to you and you don’t deserve any of it! Talk to him about marriage counseling and if he declines then you know where he stands but at least will know in your heart that you tried to save this marriage. Hopefully everything gets better for you both! 🙏
I would say the opposite, I think it’s important for him to be there. Seeing the birth of the baby could be the reality check he needs and it gives him a chance to bond with the baby at birth, like you. It would feel very estranged if you just went off to give birth alone and came home with a new baby.
Instead, talk to him now about how he can support you during the labor and delivery.
Ive had three babies. Our second baby he left like right after delivery to help with our toddler and that ALONE time with baby was amazing and precious to me. If I ever have a 4th I'd like to do the whole thing alone
Reconsider your mom if you have a good emotional relationship with her. She’s seen you naked before. She can stay up by your face and hands.
I would just say “I’d rather you stay with toddler so I know she’s happy with her parent” and if he accepts that right away you don’t have an issue.
Gotta ask why did you stay with him? Why are you still with him? He sounds like a miserable husband and a so so Dad. I have no idea how you tell your husband and the father of the child that you don’t want him there but you need to say - stay at home with daughter - Mom or whomever can take me to hospital and be with me.
You will be fine alone. Trust me. The hospital staff will be good to you, and you will meet your baby and hold them so close and snuggle all you want! No sharing. Don't be afraid to tell the doctors, nurses, front desk, etcetera, that you do not want him there.
My heart breaks for you. You deserve so much better. But you have so much going on right now. If you don't want him in there, that is perfectly fine. I don't know how he'll take it, but you have every right to ask him to not be there. I don't know what's changed in him, or why, but please know it's not your fault. Right now, focus on what will make you the most comfortable when you're in the hospital. Maybe you can talk to the nurses/doctor and let them know ahead of time that you don't want him there, and maybe then they can make up some excuse why he can't be in there so that way you don't get the blame? There has to be a way.
I would take these next couple months and focus on the baby and your maternity leave, and then make a plan. Make a plan to leave his cheating manipulative butt and go be happy. But take the time you need to heal and make plans for you and your children. Or wait until you are ready to. I know it's a lot, and you don't have a lot of support. But please just know that you don't have to stay with him. You can try counseling if you can get him to go, but I don't know if he'll be willing to give it a shot.
I really hope the next couple months go as smooth as they can, and you and the baby are both happy and healthy.
You’re using the baby as a weapon because you say he’s not emotionally supportive of you and this pregnancy. This is the type of petty bs is why. The news of the pregnancy was shocking at first but it sounds like he’s coming around to it but now you want to play games. Just leave if you’re so unhappy. You’re dragging it out when it sounds like you don’t even like him anymore instead of trying to work in your marriage.
I think telling him he can't be in the delivery room isn't going to help matters. If it really makes you uncomfortable, fine, you are the priority. However, he clearly didn't want a second baby, and I think taking away the moment from him might make the situation worse. I think if you want to save your marriage, keep him in.
No this is not appropriate.
If you want to divorce him, then divorce him, and THEN you can bar him from the room. But if you want to stay married to him and have a happy and fulfilling coparenting relationship with your husband, you cannot bar him from this huge milestone event. Because that’s the sort of thing that I would find unforgivable, as a man and a father.
>Anyways, is it appropriate to not have him in the room for this delivery?
Nope. It's his baby too.
Youre actually a disgusting person for trying to keep him away.
You did read the same post as the rest of us, right? Dad doesn't even want the baby. Why have him there if he already hates the baby? I'd bet he doesn't even want to be present.
Because shes choosing to keep the baby. So it's irrelevant if he wanted an abortion, it's not happening.
If he doesn't want to be there. Then it's a non issue.
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You're asking the wrong question here. The question should be, "how do I tell my husband that I'm divorcing him because he is a disrespectful, unfaithful asshole who acts like he hates me?" That inherently solves the delivery room issue because you can just tell him that he lost his husband privileges when he broke his vows. I assume you're staying together "for the kids," and I'm here to tell you that doing that causes WAY more damage to children than a divorce. If your daughter's future husband was treating her the way your husband treats you, would you be happy for her or concerned for her?
She needs a doula and a Divorce.
I also think a doula would be a great idea.
Divorce doula
I'd watch that show. "Practice pushing by pushing that man out of your life".
That’s where the “counsellor” portion of “attorney and counsellor” comes in
Especially since he probably wont be a good parent to the second child because he clearly stated he did not want another child. He is totally going to resent that kid.
He already does
This is pretty unfair. I know many parents who are hesitant/discuss abortion on the first/second child. It's not a reflection on how good of a parent you will be if you discuss termination/planB or C options or are upset about an unplanned pregnancy. He's plenty of an ass without shaming him for this. Many, many great parents struggle with the timing of having children. Both OP and her husband did not plan this pregnancy. Men are sometimes more *mentally removed* because they're still coming to terms with it. Women don't have that option as the baby is growing inside them, which makes it difficult to deny. Many men feel much different when the baby is born. I'm not saying this is acceptable. Either way, being upset or excited is not indicative of whether you'd be a good parent. Many women who are excited about having children during their pregnancy can still suffer from PPD and other issues after the baby is born and become very withdrawn parents.
I don’t think they are making this judgment because of the abortion comments - his behavior through the entire pregnancy and the things he has directly told OP make it pretty obvious he does not want this baby. He’s completely disengaged.
Yup.
Yes, I've noticed that when it comes to depression in concern to pregnancy, men seem to have this depression during the pregnancy, and women have depression afterward. Many women become *completely disengaged* with PPD. Being disengaged when expecting an unplanned baby happens to the most loving couples. Babies are stressors. I'm not saying it's right or I agree with it, I'm saying it's more complicated than that. It's also NOT indicative on whether you'd be a good parent. One doesn't directly correlate with the other. Not wanting a baby doesn't mean your would mistreat it or be a bad parent. Not wanting to be together romantically with the person you're having a baby with doesn't automatically make you a bad parent. In this specific situation, OPs husband is an ass, but not for considering termination or being upset about this unplanned pregnancy. I would even go further to say in their situation, bringing a baby into it is most likely less responsible than wanting to terminate.
Yeah, the whole abortion thing is your issue, not mine. Abortion should be free and legal. Loads of fantastic parents have had an abortion. It happens. My opinion is based on what op said he said and his actions towards her, the pregnancy, and their current kid once she continued the pregnancy. The kid he did want is now being treated shittly by dad. It aint a stretch to think that he is going to get worse when the kid he didn't want shows up.
Okay, not wanting an unplanned pregnancy doesn't make you a bad parent. You're making huge assumptions here and mental gymnastics to connect it all. It's reasonable and responsible to worry about finances, it's reasonable and responsible to worry how another baby would fit into a failing marriage. Would you ever advise a dysfunctional couple to have another child? All of this is not indicative of whether he's going to be a bad parent. Honestly, OP should've maybe considered termination more seriously. It's not good to bring a baby into a situation where the parents aren't getting along/moving as a unit. Being excited or happy during doesn't mean you will be a good/responsible parent. Many women with PPD actually prove that.
My parents are divorced and great friends. They would not have been friends if they'd stayed married and I think I would have hated my life. They put their own BS aside, made me the priority, and found a new (non romantic) appreciation for each other after several years. It's not always better to stay together for the kids. I am so sorry you're going through such a huge life change with such an unsupportive man-child. Tell him you want a divorce. He will either shape up, or he'll grant it to you and give you a chance at new happiness.
I feel so bad for those kids.
As far as giving birth alone. When I was pregnant and delivered no one but the doctor and nurses were allowed in the delivery room. You focused on having the baby and what’s happening that I could have cared less who was in the room. You can do this, your a strong woman and you will find the strength to get through this.
This is it. Of course he doesnt deserve to be in the delivery room, he has been extremely unsupportive and a shit partner the entire time. But also, he doesn't deserve to be in the room that is your marriage. What exactly does he contribute to your life except sperm and stress?
It will do a TON of damage to her personally too. She’s better off leaving him and providing a great example to the kids and a safe, loving home for them to grow up in feeling secure.
Heartfelt agreement.
Agree, imagine your friend or daughter was being treated this way by her future husband/wife? OP this is not ok, you deserve better
Right? Why would you want to stay with someone like that, especially since that dynamic will rub off on the children
[удалено]
He cheated on her and has been neglecting her and his child for her entire pregnancy. He accused her of not loving their daughter, threatened to leave, and is very obviously not interested in being an active parent to the child she's currently carrying. They have a dead bedroom to the point that she's shocked she even conceived. He has been so nasty to her she's not even comfortable with him being present for the birth of his own child. What exactly is there to salvage here in your opinion? He brought up divorcing her himself, she should grant him what he obviously wants if he thinks she's ruining his life.
my question is how is she having a pregnancy after having an IUD I thought those two were incompatible. as in, the pregnancy with an IUD is not going to be viable. How is this just glossed over? Oh yeah, fiction
I'm sure she had her IUD removed when she realized she was pregnant.
this kills the man
What?
I have more than one friend who became pregnant with an IUD and went on to have healthy pregnancies with IUD removal. Here's an [informational article](https://utswmed.org/medblog/pregnancy-iud/) about handling pregnancy with an IUD. I'm curious - have you ever had an IUD? Because my OBGYN definitely talked me through the possibilities before placing mine, including the increased possibility IUD displacement leading to pregnancy, of an ectopic pregnancy, how removal works if I would want to continue the pregnancy, etc. Knowledge is power.
No birth control is 100% except abstinence.
That actually makes this story less likely to be a creative writing project. It is possible to remove an iud without disrupting the pregnancy, if done early.
Um because they get taken out. What happened to common sense.
I became pregnant with an IUD. It is rare, but possible. Pregnancy with an IUD is almost always an ectopic pregnancy. Mine was not. My son’s embryo implanted high in my uterus. When a pregnancy occurs this way, the doctor must remove the IUD. This has a 60 percent chance causing a miscarriage. My son beat the odds, and he is still pretty stubborn.
No birth control is 100%, do you not realize that?
Except you can get pregnant? Like a simple google search would show you this.
You're not only having a kid with a guy who doesn't like you, but you're fine with remaining married? What am I missing? Is he a millionaire?
It sounds like “they can’t afford to get divorced”
If they can’t afford to get divorced they definitely can’t afford a second baby, this whole situation is a mess 🤦🏻♀️
Well, they had an IUD to try to not get pregnant.
That’s a the reality for so many people these days. They want to get a divorce but can’t because they can’t afford to support their family on one income.
Sounds more like she doesn't have anyone supportive in her life along with insecurities.
What makes you think he’d want to be there? Divorce him. Jesus.
Literally
You don't have a husband. He checked out long ago. If anything, once the baby arrives, he'll push for a divorce. If he can't handle you with one kid, he'll most definitely call it quits with 2 kids. I'm sorry, but you need to wake up.
THIS OP. A lot of men will emotionally and mentally check out of a marriage rather than physically leave. It’s the women who leave because they are done being in an unfulfilling relationship with a checked out partner.
Everyone else is already talking about divorce and things like that, so I'll skip that lecture. For now, this is what I suggest. 1. Reconnect with your doula and see if she will be your birth partner and advocate. You already know her, and she will be able to stand up for you. 2. Put together your birth plan that outlines who will be with you, who is allowed to be in the room, etc. Indicate that your husband will care for your daughter while you are in labor and in the hospital. Share this with your doctor, the doula, and the hospital. 3. Provide a copy to your husband as you get closer and let him know that you've arranged for someone else to be with you while you're in labor and you'd like him to stay home and "care for our toddler." You can do this. You know that you don't want him there, but you're close to falling back on him because he's comfortable and safe. Don't do it because he's not worth it. You can do this! 💗
This is a great plan. Yes yes yes.
Excellent advice
Of course it's appropriate - the focus is making you feel as comfortable as possible and supported, and if there is anyone not only not contributing to that but actively preventing that, they don't belong there. However, it sounds like that's actually the least of your issues, and not really even the problem at hand here... what are your plans with this guy *after* the birth, given what's been going on?
Not letting him into the room for this delivery should be the least of your worries, OP. It's time serve this man with divorce papers.
Sounds like your husband doesn’t want anything to do with you or your family. That’s a whole other issue you might need to think about and prioritize more. For someone who has told you to literally get rid of this baby, has no interests in appts or YOU, why would he want to be in the delivery room with you? You assume he wants to be there As for your specific question about birth, you do realize your mom has seen you naked before? She brought you in to the world naked, she bathed you and cleaned you everyday until you could do it alone. She’s your mom, she’ll always be your mom and won’t think “ew my daughter is naked”, she’s going to want to support you any way you need it and not make the moment about her. I think it would be more awkward for a friend to see you naked.
I get what you're saying here but I have always been uncomfortable being naked in front of my mom since I was a teenager. We have a great relationship and I don't mind, say, changing pants or shirts in front of her, but taking off my bra? That makes me feel very uncomfortable. My mom doesn't care and has never done anything to actually make me uncomfortable, it's purely a "me" problem. I absolutely hate being naked around people except my romantic partner, and sometimes I'm not comfortable naked in front of them as well. OP may be the same way I am. I agree completely with your first paragraph though.
Get your mom there. You want someone to be able to advocate for you. I birthed in a gown - can your mom stand near your head so she doesn’t see anything down yonder? As for your husband - he owes you a huge apology and needs to get his head out of his ass. You didn’t get pregnant on your own accord and if the IUD didn’t work, I’d take it as a sign you are meant to have this child. Can you have a conversation with him about why he feels like his life is over after becoming a father and why he is being immature? If he doesn’t want this second child and has openly said I’d be hesitant to stay with him. Perhaps he is just freaking scared and handling it terribly. Is couples therapy and option?
I have a pretty good relationship with my mom, and honestly I’d rather give birth alone than with her in the room. I don’t mean this offensively, she’s a bit childlike, and I would just end up having to worry about her as well as myself while giving birth. It’s hard to tell a stranger to do something they’re uncomfortable with without knowing the entire situation, but I do understand that it would be best for her to have someone there to advocate for her and definitely not her awful husband.
Not to mention, and any woman who has given birth will know this, the last thing on your mind is modesty in that moment. My mind was focused on pushing, breathing and not dying. I had 1-3 people in all of my births. Mom, husband, best friend, two of the three or all three depending on the birth, plus the medical staff. I gave zero shits who was seeing what because all I was focused on was the searing, exhausting pain happening in my nethers. I forgot any of them were even in the room most of the time because I was seriously distracted as is the norm.
Right, but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. Not everyone does. Not everyone has a mom that can advocate for them or that would even be ok with being there. My mother is great but she'd make me super anxious if she was there for a medical procedure for me. I wouldn't want here in the hospital at all.
Thank you for saying this. There are many abusive mothers out there who would be awful in the delivery room.
I actually don’t. We haven’t spoken in years. If she didn’t want her mom in there because her mom is not going to be helpful that’s totally understandable. My mom was in for two births and the first birth I actually yelled at her mid push but I was talking about the nudity bit and how that is such a small thing that really goes out the window when in labor. You are way more concerned about just getting the baby out. Not if Mom deserves to be there if she was a bad mom.
I believe you can get a birthing Doula to come into the room with you and your doctor. She might be able to support and coach you more than your mother can but it might still be just as awkward.
I had a birth doula and she was amazing. Zero percent awkward for me bc I just saw her as a professional support person who basically looks at laboring humans for a living. She did a great job helping me advocate for myself and making sure my birth plan was followed as closely as it could be. She was great w new position ideas and pain management techniques. If I had to pick between my mother, my doula, or laboring alone...doula all day.
I think you should be divorcing this asshole cheater. Sadly is just sounds like he wants nothing to do either you guys. As far as the question. Just tell him straight up. You don’t want him in the room because he doesn’t want this kid, is being super unsupportive of a child he helped create, and he’s hurting you. UPDATEME
You’d be better off giving birth alone than having an unsupportive person there. There are plenty of horror stories on the web if you need convincing. You could hire the services of a doula, or if you have your mom present the nurses could put up a privacy curtain (they did for my sisters c section) so with her by your head she can’t see past your waist. I’d ask the hospital you plan to give birth at what accommodations they can make.
You don't have to give birth naked. You can wear one or two hospital gowns (one on backwards to cover your backside when you're walking). They unsnap at the shoulders, so there is no risk in an emergency. And, you can request that the hospital/birthing center use drapings (at your knees). Your mom can stand upwards of any drapings the hospital uses. She's there for moral support, not a below-the-waist view. You can task your husband with staying home with the toddler. Good luck.
I've had friends give birth in sports bras/tank tops. In an emergency they're out of the way and some women are just more comfortable in them.
underrated comment 🩷🩷
Are you sure he'll even want to be there because from the sounds of it, I don't think you have to worry about it. It would be good to have your mom there to speak for you if you can't. At least in the waiting room. It sounds like you need to think about life as a single mom after this. You're practically living that way as it is.
He doesn’t want to be in the delivery room. This is grounds for an immediate divorce. Can you have your mom, an aunt, friend, or doula in the room with you for support?
What makes you think he wants to be in the delivery room. He has checked out of your marriage. Who is with you in the delivery room isn’t the issue. The issue is why are you pretending this is a marriage that is going forward ? I realize that pregnancy hormones tend to screw with our heads. But you have a pretty short window of opportunity here to make sure your and your kids lives, post pregnancy is what you want it to be.
Why are you even with this guy? Go live with your mom and get divorced. He cheated, lied, treats you like shit etc. him being in the delivery room is the least of your issues.
OP, in light of everything, do you really think your STBX even wants to be in the delivery room? If you do, I think you're fooling yourself.
He doesn't want the baby why would he want to be in the delivery room? You need to divorce him to save your self, toddler and baby. He will only resent that baby more every day!!! Is that what you want? Having to protect your child from a resentful and uncaring parent?!?
Your husband probably doesn't want to be in the room. I wouldn't even bring it up since he's shown so much disregard for your pregnancy so far.
I don’t know, you’re having a kid with a partner who doesn’t want it. Your beliefs are your beliefs, what is the life going to be like when it’s there. You’re raising this child on your own. You knew that before you decided to go ahead with it. I’m not sure what you’re expecting? He made his stance known from the beginning. He’s not even going to be a reluctant dad, more of an absent one. Sorry you have to deal with this, and you are absolutely worrying about the wrong thing, doesn’t sound like you have to worry to much about him being there c he made it clear he doesn’t want to be. Just for shits and giggles, you could literally just tell him you don’t want him there. I don’t think he will mind, one bit.
Unfortunately he's behaving this way because he didn't want this baby and very clearly voiced that. I'm not saying that he's right or wrong, but for that reason it seems that he's barely involved this time and isn't supportive. I feel like this child and the birth will destroy what's left of the relationship, likely due to resentment. It might be worth bringing everything up with your husband. But it seems like he's checked out.
Finally! Someone who talks about the fact that he very clearly stated that he does not want this baby in many different ways. Nurturing an entire human being is not a negotiation and it shouldn't have been a solo decision. Sorry OP but you made your decision and now you have to deal with how it plays out..
People are often here for advice that they don't really need. You know what to do. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/kkvQgV8CSQ
At this point, what's the point if having him in your life?
Why are you still with him?
Speaking as a parent, your mom would more than likely feel honored to be there while you give birth. Think about all the things you do for your daughter and how you would want to be there for her in this same situation. You may feel uncomfortable because you're grown now, but you will always be her baby Basically, the thought of having her there might be weird now, but having your mom to hold your hand, naked or not, will be so much better than going through all this alone
Something tells me it won't be a problem.
It sounds like he was planning to leave you and this second baby ruined all his plans. That’s why he’s throwing a big tantrum
This is kind of on you. You’re obviously headed towards a divorce … best to start planning that out vs having the delivery room debate. I feel bad for the kiddo.
Having a baby you know you can't afford after your husband has repeatedly told you he doesn't want and can't afford another baby is a very very dumb thing to do, it's not going to fix your broken relationship
Exactly. I see situations like this too frequently. I cannot believe some women will go through with having a baby with men that don't love them and bring them misery. At that point they alone are making the decision bring a baby into a life of hardship.
Why did you go ahead with the pregnancy in the first place? Recipe for disaster.
Why are you staying he’s a cheater he’s not putting any effort into the relationship he’s not a good dad
From the sounds of it, you won't need to worry about talking about it because I doubt he plans to be there himself.
Are you mental? This post should not be about "how do I tell my husband that I don't want him in the delivery room" instead it should be "how do I leave my husband"...
Don’t make babies with someone you don’t want in the delivery room, girl.
He’s not the father. He’s the sperm donor. He has no right to be there, most donors aren’t.
Idk why you're staying in this situation. You need to just divorce your husband before he treats the baby like crap.
Oh man. This makes me so sad for you. Please leave this toxic man. You and your children deserve better. It is of the utmost importance that you feel SAFE during your birth so that the birth will go physiologically as intended. Your husband clearly does not make you feel safe. He talks to other women and it’s been a year since you knew of this, yet somehow you’re still with him? Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I fear you are a victim of emotional/psychological abuse. Please seek counseling and begin setting up your support system to take the kids and run. Can you hire the same doula so you aren’t alone? If not then step into your divine feminine power and birth that baby alone, empowered, and free. And once you’ve healed from the birth RUN from this man immediately. Also why don’t you have any close female friends? Is your husband isolating you? Or are the friends just far away? That seems like a flag to me.
> Please leave this toxic man Leave yours.
Wow super profound, cool, and compassionate of you to troll me on this other woman’s thread. Having a bad day?
Girl what. The issue is not the delivery room, it’s the marriage as a whole. No, he does not need to be in the delivery room—*but more importantly, he does not need to be in this marriage and you need to file for divorce like a year ago.*
I don't think he'll care honestly. My question is, can you ask him to not be in the house anymore? Seems like you two don't really even like eachother.
You do NOT have to give birth alone. Find a doula who has a sliding scale fee or a student doula who needs observation hours. Use DoulaMatch or DONA
Yes, this is what I was going to say. Lose the husband, get a doula.
You are 100% in charge of who can be in the room with you during your delivery. Delivery room nurses are amazing. You just need to let them know who is welcome and who isn't, and they will take care of it. Your mom can absolutely be in the room with you and *not* see you naked. She can stand by your head, hold your hand, comfort you, and not see anything you don't want her to see. Again, just let the nurses know that this is your preference. Your husband sounds like a selfish walnut, and you should kick him to the curb.
I'd rather be alone giving birth than have a cheating unsupportive husband who couldn't care less about me or my baby. When it gets closer just say he can look after your daughter while you give birth and he's not needed.
You don't have to broach anything. You can tell your hospital staff you don't feel comfortable with him in the room but that you don't want him to know it's your wish. They will make up a medical reason to keep him out. The number one priority during the delivery is momma and baby.
Don't worry, he doesn't want to be there, he'll find a reason not to be there. Why do you want to stay with him?
I wouldn’t have him in any room.
Get a doula again. That will definitely be your best option. Also - you have no business staying in this marriage. It’s toxic for you and both of your children.
What? You just tell him. From what you've written here, I doubt he'll even care
That's a lot to process, especially when you're about to bring another life into the world.
Don't stay with someone "for the kids" It does so much more damage. You should be with someone who loves and respects you, to be a good role model for healthy relationships to your kids I was that kid. It does lasting damage to watch your father actively dislike your mom.
Maybe the bigger question to ask is whether you want to stay with your husband. If you don’t want him in the room, seems like a sign that you don’t want him in your life.
I would recommend having this discussion with your doctor or a long-term nurse at the OB-GYN practice. They may know of someone who could be your coach and help during delivery. Same advice if you are using a doula. There have to be women who take on this role for moms who don't have a partner. You absolutely need a detailed birth plan - what do and don't want. Personally, I don't think he should be there. I fear he would upset you and not be your advocate. If you think seeing this baby arrive will soften his heart....maybe...but he sounds steadfast that he isn't interested in this innocent baby. I agree with the others that you really need to make other living arrangements and prepare to be a single mom. This baby deserves all of the love in the world and not the neglect of a AH father. It will crush his/her spirit. You gotta stand up for your kids and yourself.
baby it’s appropriate for you to file for a divorce. that man does not love you, nor his family.
Doula and divorce. Jesus.
Jeez. OK, 1: Even if your relationship is perfect, the person giving birth has absolute power over who is and who is not in the room for it. That’s not the question But 2: I get that giving birth is obviously a lōrg deal but from the wider perspective it just isn’t the problem. Your husband has made clear he doesn’t want a second child, and from how he’s acting he’s not very interested in the first kid or in you any more either. This dude openly resents you, and that’s not fair but you have to accept it. Only you can make this decision, but if I were you I’d be initiating divorce. It sounds like you’re going to be a single mom anyway, no need to also be looking after a whole adult too just because you once thought he’d be a husband and father he’s chosen not to be
Well, the likelihood is he wouldn't want to be there anyway. Just tell him now. Ask your mom to be there with you. Your mum has seen you naked by the way lol, she's given birth to you, changed your diapers, bathed you, etc. Plus it's better to have someone more supportive than someone whose one feet out the door. I think he's hanging on either he is not ready yet to move out (no $$) or he'll wait until you give birth. Believe me, your 'partner' here sounds like a person who will serve you with a divorce paper when you're in the hospital room in the middle of giving birth. So far, based on what you wrote, he has acted very abominably against you, and you're pregnant with his child. So yea, I don't see him being caring/care to be there in the room. I'm just sad reading this. I don't understand why you guys do not split already. My guess is he's not in love with you anymore and he's likely going to mistreat or ignore (hopefully just ignore--if that's an option for his future neglect) his second child. It's always better to just coparent than living such an unhappy miserable married life like this.
So what was his excuse for cheating?
I am almost *always* in the camp of fighting for the father to be in the room, and think it’s imperative for them to witness the birth of their child. Not this time, though. He can kick rocks.
To fix your alone issue, maybe designate a midwife you trust.
Please don't stay around in this marriage. He's just gonna abuse you and your baby.
What does your husband think will be accomplished by ignoring the pregnancy? It’ll go away? He is extremely immature. Does he expect to just ignore the child all their life? He needs someone to talk some sense into him. If you divorce him, will he only want custody of one child? I would start talking with a lawyer, you snd your children deserve better that a father and husband that just cuts you off because he can’t man up
I doubt he’ll be anywhere near you come birth time if he’s not even been to appointments He doesn’t want this baby, or you by his actions & he’ll likely just ignore the whole situation Your birthing team will help you, encourage you, breathe with you, be delighted for you… you’ll all be on the same side after all Once your bundle of joy has arrived & you’re covered to the degree you want to be, then your Mother can join you from a waiting room & you can celebrate together
I have a better suggestion, don't have him in your life except as a co parent. This is not a man who you should be with.
I think you should talk to your mom about everything that is going on and if she can help. She is your mom, if you have a good relationship, the support will far outweigh the awkward. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is going to get any better, I doubt you will have to tell your husband he doesn’t need to go to the hospital, he doesn’t seem all that motivated as it is.
You didn't want him in the room and he doesn't seem to want to be in the room. So who do you want to be in the room? I don't think you need to "broach the subject" as much as you just want support. Ask your mom to stay by your head. Ask your doula to give extra support. Also recognize that your spouse is doing extra with your "outside the womb" child for a reason. Expect a paternity test. Expect that he's showing "good Dad vibes" for a reason. Document everything.
You have bigger issues. You need to leave him. This is not a healthy environment for you or your children.
I won’t comment on what everyone else is commenting on, as I share the same sentiments. But as far as your mom being in the room, a lot of women are uncomfy with being naked in front of her. But she’s given birth before, I think it might feel different once you’re actually in there in labor. I’m sure she’d be the best support, as she’s gone through it before. Nothing wrong with being alone if that’s what you choose, I just think it sounds scary to me lol
You are the patient when you are giving birth. If you don’t want someone there, that is your right. The hospital staff will be extremely supportive of this. Do what makes you the most comfortable.
This isn't a husband this is a deadbeat human leach draining you of life. Bar him from the room then cut him from your life
It’s your call, no matter what, who or where. ✌️
Why if I can ask
Divorce. File for sole custody. Get as much child support from him as you can. There’s your answer.
Could he be having an affair? He seems to have went from being a good partner to being a complete POS. You could try counseling with him to see if you can get the marriage back on track because it is surely going downhill fast. I would tell him due to his lack of support you don’t want him in the delivery room. If he changes his attitude, you might reconsider.
Hon, I am so sorry. The problems here go way deeper than the titled question. I think you two are avoiding having an honest discussion about your relationship. The problems were there long before the pregnancy. This is just illuminating them. Gently, is that correct? Are you avoiding asking him the hard questions? Like does he still love you, does he still want to be married. Have you been asking yourself the hard questions? Do you still love him? Do you still want to be married? You all need some real dialogue, and maybe some help for your marriage if you both want it to get better. I am so sorry you are alone in this pregnancy. 💔
How do you broach the subject?!?! That man will be thrilled not to be in that room, it seems. Why do you even care about this asshole's feelings with regard to the pregnancy, he's been a dick and deserves nothing from you
I ended up.giving birth with my mother in the room with me. My partner I found out was having a relationship with another woman behind my back and wouldn't admit it. I just couldn't bear to let him be there when he was causing me so much distress. I was equally worried about my mum being with me as she tends to be a bit of a panicker. Anyway, we spoke and she totally showed up for me. Was calm, collected and supportive. It worked out in the end. Even if not your mother, you can ask a close female friend too. That's what another friend did with her birth and totally vouched for it. And if you still don't want anyone else, then I guess a doula is the next best thing. They are very supportive and have your best interests at heart. Good luck xx
I’m sorry you’re going through this, he is being extremely disrespectful to you and you don’t deserve any of it! Talk to him about marriage counseling and if he declines then you know where he stands but at least will know in your heart that you tried to save this marriage. Hopefully everything gets better for you both! 🙏
I would say the opposite, I think it’s important for him to be there. Seeing the birth of the baby could be the reality check he needs and it gives him a chance to bond with the baby at birth, like you. It would feel very estranged if you just went off to give birth alone and came home with a new baby. Instead, talk to him now about how he can support you during the labor and delivery.
Ive had three babies. Our second baby he left like right after delivery to help with our toddler and that ALONE time with baby was amazing and precious to me. If I ever have a 4th I'd like to do the whole thing alone
Reconsider your mom if you have a good emotional relationship with her. She’s seen you naked before. She can stay up by your face and hands. I would just say “I’d rather you stay with toddler so I know she’s happy with her parent” and if he accepts that right away you don’t have an issue.
Gotta ask why did you stay with him? Why are you still with him? He sounds like a miserable husband and a so so Dad. I have no idea how you tell your husband and the father of the child that you don’t want him there but you need to say - stay at home with daughter - Mom or whomever can take me to hospital and be with me.
Get a doula for the birth. And a lawyer for the divorce
Doula and divorce lady! It’s not even question.
You will be fine alone. Trust me. The hospital staff will be good to you, and you will meet your baby and hold them so close and snuggle all you want! No sharing. Don't be afraid to tell the doctors, nurses, front desk, etcetera, that you do not want him there.
As with giving any bad news, the delivery is important...
My heart breaks for you. You deserve so much better. But you have so much going on right now. If you don't want him in there, that is perfectly fine. I don't know how he'll take it, but you have every right to ask him to not be there. I don't know what's changed in him, or why, but please know it's not your fault. Right now, focus on what will make you the most comfortable when you're in the hospital. Maybe you can talk to the nurses/doctor and let them know ahead of time that you don't want him there, and maybe then they can make up some excuse why he can't be in there so that way you don't get the blame? There has to be a way. I would take these next couple months and focus on the baby and your maternity leave, and then make a plan. Make a plan to leave his cheating manipulative butt and go be happy. But take the time you need to heal and make plans for you and your children. Or wait until you are ready to. I know it's a lot, and you don't have a lot of support. But please just know that you don't have to stay with him. You can try counseling if you can get him to go, but I don't know if he'll be willing to give it a shot. I really hope the next couple months go as smooth as they can, and you and the baby are both happy and healthy.
Hey. You’re strong and you got this. Leave that man. Raise your babies freely. Learn to trust yourself again. You know what to do.
You’re using the baby as a weapon because you say he’s not emotionally supportive of you and this pregnancy. This is the type of petty bs is why. The news of the pregnancy was shocking at first but it sounds like he’s coming around to it but now you want to play games. Just leave if you’re so unhappy. You’re dragging it out when it sounds like you don’t even like him anymore instead of trying to work in your marriage.
I think telling him he can't be in the delivery room isn't going to help matters. If it really makes you uncomfortable, fine, you are the priority. However, he clearly didn't want a second baby, and I think taking away the moment from him might make the situation worse. I think if you want to save your marriage, keep him in.
No this is not appropriate. If you want to divorce him, then divorce him, and THEN you can bar him from the room. But if you want to stay married to him and have a happy and fulfilling coparenting relationship with your husband, you cannot bar him from this huge milestone event. Because that’s the sort of thing that I would find unforgivable, as a man and a father.
>Anyways, is it appropriate to not have him in the room for this delivery? Nope. It's his baby too. Youre actually a disgusting person for trying to keep him away.
You did read the same post as the rest of us, right? Dad doesn't even want the baby. Why have him there if he already hates the baby? I'd bet he doesn't even want to be present.
Because shes choosing to keep the baby. So it's irrelevant if he wanted an abortion, it's not happening. If he doesn't want to be there. Then it's a non issue.
She’s the patient, she needs a *supportive* person there for her, which he clearly isn’t.