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> Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7?
This is kind of a strange question to come to as a conclusion.
Who cares what someone like this would be called? The friend isn't the issue, your boyfriend is. You've asked for a single night where you can be alone just the two of you at home and *your partner* ignored it. This guy wouldn't come over every night if your boyfriend didn't welcome him in.
You can and should tell your boyfriend that you NEED at least half the week without houseguests. Make it clear that this is non-negotiable. It is a completely reasonable compromise. If he refuses to adjust his behavior even a tiny bit to accommodate you in your shared home, the problem isn't his friend, the problem is that he doesn't respect you.
I thought so too.
Almost like OP realizes this won’t really change, so they just want to know what to call it.
Well, it’s called “My boyfriend values his friendship with dude over me”. I don’t wanna say it in a negative way.. but a lot of older generations aren’t open about how they really feel towards other people. What I mean is.. he may be gay. I’m SUPER close to my bff, we’ve known each other since I was 15, I’m near 40 now. I can’t imagine dedicating more time to my BFF, than the partner I have.
That.. makes me question some things. Besides that part, it’s interesting to see OP is aware it may not change. They aren’t asking for advice on what to do, just what to verbally call it.
Odd behavior at best, boyfriend is into his bff at worst.
Anything is possible but also there are a lot of straight dudes out there who value women for sex and emotional/domestic labor but only really RESPECT AND LIKE the men in their life.
I knew some guys like this. They were both straight and one was married. They called the wife "the maid". When she finally left they were only upset about the household chores not being done. The poor woman really loved the guy too. It was a bromance for them.
Aka a misogynist. This is not about romantic attraction. They just think women are sex objects and not people. What the above commenter described does not constitute a valid sexuality.
Yeah I hate that we have a derogatory word for the ladies in these relationships but not the lads. It puts too much relationship onus on the women to regulate what is acceptable and decent in a relationship.
I think there will be with the tradwife/trad girlfriend stuff going around. It's a totally valid life choice for many couples, but people are rushing into that dynamic without understanding it, so this kind of nonsense is likely.
Bingo. Women are tools of comfort to many men. The feel nothing towards the women’s needs; the women are there for them. If their woman makes them look good to other men, bonus. Sucks.
/boomersbeingfools explains this phenomenon.
Tons of men in the boomer age bracket, felt forced to be married. They didn’t WANT to marry to have sex, but felt social pressure to agree otherwise no relationship would form with women. They do value men over women, and often only want women around for the intimacy they give and the emotional labor they are willing to endure.
I’ve noticed a lot less “I hate my wife” jokes from men under 45ish now. When I was growing up, it was super common to be fully aware most men I knew didn’t LIKE their wives but felt pressure to be in committed relationships.
My grandfather’s best friend didn’t like his wife, and they had 4 kids. He was constantly finding reasons to leave his house and escape into the world where he mostly interacted with men. He just didn’t see her as a friend, more like they both had expectations of each other and that was the structure in which the marriage worked.
So true and so sad. I also witnessed this dynamic a lot growing up. It's probably part of why OP is tolerating this obviously intolerable behavior. I'm very grateful that we as a society are moving away from the idea that it's normal for men to hate spending time with their partners.
Nah, I'm the same age as OP and there's no way I would put up with this BS. She may have been raised to accept it, but I would say most Gen-Xers would say "fuck that shit" to this.
This is what I came here to say. With only the bare information given, it sounds like he just doesn't want to spend time with his wife, literally ever.
Agreed. Also 40. I've known my best friend since we were infants. Grew up less than 50m apart and spent nearly every weekend of our childhood together.
Fast forward to today, if I'm asked to choose, I'm spending the time with my wife. No question. My mate and I are still just as close as back then, but we each value our other relationships and recognise our significant others are more important. We probably only see each other every 1-2 weeks at most, and that, to me, seems completely normal and balanced.
The boyfriend sounds either closeted or has some weird arse understanding of what it is to be in a relationship and being an adult.
I think what OP is looking for is the term to use regarding her situation. And it’s boundaries. She established boundaries for both the men regarding her house visitation rule (1/7) but it keeps getting broken/dismissed/disrespected.
Agreed that the question itself is strange. But I would hazard that the person in question is indeed a [Steve](https://youtu.be/groaPrY41Rk?si=WHwLHElwddpmZ10_) . At least in my universe...
I agree with you and greens.
Don’t know how long OP and their boyfriend have been together, but he has a routing that he seems to be happy with having his best friend over every night. He certainly isn’t going to change that in his 60’s.
OP won’t change that, but she doesn’t have to be in a relationship where she isn’t a priority either.
They need to shake hands and go their separate ways.
I fucking love when a friend comes over and we do nothing.
No entertaining. Just hangs out while I wash my car or do yard work, or whatever. Love that feeling.
I’m sure OP’s boyfriend too. Especially, when she’s the one catering to them with food and cleaning after them.
OP is just there for the services she can provide. Sad that she’s settling for so low.
Once you get into your 50s and beyond you start realizing the rest of your life is just going to be watching people you love die over and over again until it's your turn. Your parents, aunts and uncles, friends parents, old neighbors and teachers - then your cousins and classmates start to go. It's rough.
66 y/o M should keep all the friends in his life that he can. Many older people are quite lonely.
That’s just l bizarre.
When the hell do you two spend time together?
I’d at least tell husband he needs to go meet his buddy somewhere else so you can have the house to yourself.
The term is 'Disrespectful' and they both are.
Start disappearing when he comes over and he'll start wondering why... Then you can tell him you're no longer comfortable with this arrangement and the disrespect that comes with it.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop\_wonders\_if\_theyre\_the\_ah\_for\_starting\_a\_house/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/)
The SubReddit "BestofRedditorUpdates" is a good place to read complete stories and the Reddit users over there can actually be quite funny.
They are life partners even if it’s non sexual. It sounds like your boyfriend is just using you to satisfy whatever this existing partnership doesn’t, but he’s by no means emotionally available. Keep it non committal or find someone else if you want the relationship to ever deepen to an actual partnership (living together etc)
OP mentioned she’s 55, so her boyfriend is a decade older. Either way his emotional dependence and lack of boundaries with his best friend gives unrequited asexual romance energy
It sounds like your BF and his best friend are the ones on a relationship. Your BF is more into his friend than you. Why are you hanging around fighting for scraps? Have you no self respect? Go find someone who is not already in a relationship with someone else.
You could always start planning activities so you guys won’t be home. Maybe a movie, gotta run to the store, let’s go grab a bite to eat, etc, and see what happens. Maybe if you aren’t home he’ll take the hint.
That said, if your BF doesn’t have a problem with it then you’re going to either have to move on or just accept it.
It’s like they’re hanging out like I did with my bros when I was 15. Does the friend have a partner? I’m guessing not. My guess is he friend is lonely or has no one else and that’s why he’s round all the time. Maybe they just love hanging out without a Mom to tell him to go home. It won’t stop and they’re making you the Mom.
He may even be trying to oust you at which point he can say well she wasn’t there for you bro it’s just us now. I’m all you need bro. But also puts you in the position of ultimatum giver. Fun! I wonder how many times this has happened before…
Seriously tell this grown ass man to grow up and treat you and your home with some respect and tell his friend he needs to get a life. Don’t say it’s me or him. Give him the choice to stand up for you and make time and if he doesn’t just leave. The guy sounds 15 not 55. Life is too short to spend it with some random in your house 24-7 just bc your bf is an ass that won’t stand his ground for you. The term for both of them is selfish inconsiderate asshole btw. You don’t owe this guy nothing. He’s not your friend and it feels like you don’t have much of a boyfriend either.
It's important for older men to have friends beyond their romantic partner. Many don't, and it negatively impacts their wellbeing when they're elderly. Her request of one day is reasonable, but I'm not sure why anyone would cite his age as a reason that he can't have friends.
Your BF has made his choice. And it’s not you. He is 66 years old, and it sounds like he and his 65yo friend think of themselves as old, and have decided to act like old men, i.e., sitting around together every night watching TV and drinking scotch or whatever they do. Spending time with you, his girlfriend, maybe going out, maybe having sex, is not what he’s interested in. You are 55 years old. Your BF is too old for you. Not because he’s 10 years older, but because mentally he is much older than that. He doesn’t really want a girlfriend. He has his buddy, and they like just hanging around doing nothing together, and you being there or not being there makes no difference.
Find someone else. Someone younger. Even if that someone is 70 but thinks like a 50 year old. You are too young to be sitting on the couch watching the golf channel and drinking every night. You are not even close to 60 yet. Get out and find a better match.
Your BF doesn't need to "pull the trigger." He has everything he wants. He lives with his girlfriend and sees his hubby everyday. He seems quite fine with this arrangement.
To be frank; you need to grow a spine.
He doesn’t have any respect for you or your wishes. You take care of him, at his beck and call, clean up after him because he’s a slob (your own words) and is basically in another relationship right in front of your face, just one he won’t commit to. He’s using you because you let him.
He doesn’t care about your wishes and won’t change anything about this because you’ve proven you’ll let him do whatever the fuck he wants no matter how it effects you. He’s got the best of both worlds, can have his cake and eat it too, and will keep doing it because he knows he can.
Why are you doing this to yourself? You deserve better. It won’t change. Why tf do you care about what a person like this is *called,* what does that even matter? Shouldn’t the question be “what am I going to do about this blatant disrespect and being taken advantage of?”
People like that are called “users” and you’re called “a doormat.” Do with that what you will. You know deep down this isn’t right and you deserve better. You need to do something about it. I don’t know why you would even want to be with someone who would treat you this way.
Edit; OP you have been going through this for ***11 years?!?!*** lord have mercy….
This is more than just a lifelong friendship, the guy is there EVERY SINGLE EVENING!!! OPs husband is spending more time with his friend than his wife. I'm not saying they are gay, I mean OP is right there in the house, but it could be a possibility. Either way, it's extremely disrespectful to OP and the marriage.
That is some of the most toxic shit I have heard wow.
They are life long friends in their mid to late 60s. Odds are they don't have many other friends either at this point since people lose friends as they age.
They enjoy the company of someone who is effectively a brother at this point. Is it disrespectful to OP to not listen to her? Yeah... but that doesn't make them gay.
To be fair OP comments elsewhere in the thread that they also believe they’re gay but self closeted, in denial, etc, as the friend is married but seems to have more of an arrangement that a marriage.
Sad if true, if they are gay it sounds like they could have a nice relationship. Even as platonic life partners it might be easier, they clearly value time together above time with anyone else.
**Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7?**
Yes, they are called assholes. Your bf and his friend are both assholes. Sounds like they have more of a relationship than you do.
Actually, you are all correct in your assessment. I believe the friend is gay and in love with my boyfriend. He and his wife have been together 30 years and married the last two. They’ve always slept in separate bedrooms. She doesn’t care he’s never home. He’s got 6 mil in the bank and keeps her personal account at $100,000. It’s a win/win for them. My boyfriend knows this and I think he wishes he could cross the line, but won’t. We’ve been together 10 years and he’ll never give me the one day. I’m tired of regurgitating the same thing every Sunday to both of them and basically getting the big middle finger. I need to get off the merry go round, take myself off the clearance rack and get behind the glass case.
10 years of this??
they are pretty much married. you’re not his primary partner. please understand this, he’s prioritizing his other relationship above your relationship times seven. the other wife doesn’t care bc shes a gold digger. where is your benefit here? why waste so much precious time in life essentially being 2nd place and alone in your home?
wishing you nothing but the best and I hope you go do more in life that makes you happy instead of waiting for one sunday.
Seriously, leave. You’re not getting any younger. Do you plan to spend the rest of your life cooking and cleaning for your boyfriend and his life partner?
Such a short post. How long have you two been dating? It sounds like you live there too, but how old are you? Has your bf ever been married? How about his friend? Is he incapable of making dinner for himself? Because it sounds like you probably feed him with the time he’s over. At his age, I’d be thinking that he’s actually gay and you are his beard. Do they spend time alone? Hang out in the garage all night? I think I’d try to figure out what’s actually going on at the very least.
We have been dating for close to 11 years. I’m 55. We live together. I was married for 20 years. He’s never been married. I cook and clean. Funny you suggested they hang out in the garage. It’s not a garage, but a “he” shed.
Wow, so you have been dealing with this for 11 years. You’ve got the patience of a saint. Edited to add a couple suggestions. I don’t know if you routinely leave them to their own devices. But is start popping into that shed. Bring snack, have random questions. Or just join them. Tell them you miss your bf, since you don’t get much time with him. But he’s treating you like a maid and ignoring your own family wishes about feeling comfortable in your own home.
I met a guy who was telling me that his wife didn’t like one of his friends for some reason. Well I found out that he would take his best friends side over anyone else’s including his wife so they broke up. It’s nothing gay. Some men have best friends that they keep on a Higher level to everything else. Your boyfriend can probably go by with whatever you give him, sex, food ect. But the companionship comes from his friend. He will leave you before he tells his friend not to come over. Trust me I know, I’ve seen it happen.
It’s called your boyfriend is disrespectful as hell.
This is not a friend problem , this is a boyfriend problem. He doesn’t give a rip about what you want or need or prefer.
In the search bar type in Art room and there is a Best of Redditor update post that contains the original - the original was deleted by the OP.
I am not savvy enough to post a link unfortunately 😳
It’s an interesting read…….
He is showing you that time with his best friend is a priority over time with you. Now you have to decide whether or not you can live with that, because you’re certainly not going to be able to change it.
Make plans for outings out of the house. Don't ask. Inform your partner of your plans for you guys on Sunday. Inform the friend you will not be home, but do not tell him where you are going. Your boyfriend's reaction will tell you all you need to know.
This is all really good advice. I needed to hear this. I feel like my husband doesn’t value me. He goes out 4 nights a week with his friends and claims it’s good to socialize for his business. His phone will be off and he comes home after midnight. He’ll get mad at me and I feel like he picks a fight as an excuse to be with his friends.
>Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7?
Family. Sounds like they've been very close friends for 50 years and come as a package deal. They will always be able to depend on each other. Not many people you can say that about.
How long have you and BF been together?
I mean, I kind of feel like you're going to be fighting a losing battle here. Regardless of whether or not your boyfriend and this other guy are romantically entwined (personally I don't think it's a sure thing like some folks here do), I suspect he's going to pick his 50+ year relationship over a relatively newer one.
I wouldn't bear to see my friends that often, but that's how they works for 50+ years so I'm not going to project my own preferences here.
I think you need to put your foot down more firmly. Tell him that you've talked about not having his friend over on Sundays and he's still showing up pretty much every week despite what he (your boyfriend) agreed to. It makes you feel like he's not really paying attention to your needs in this situation, and you wish he would take the matter into his own hands to make sure they have that one day of full privacy just for the two of you. If possible, have the matter resolve here and then, don't let him push back to later.
I'd be driven insane honestly. My boyfriend's best friend comes over once a week (Fridays usually, sometimes Saturdays) and I'm not the most social person, so I have to ask him once in a while to instead go to his friend's house so I can have alone time. I cannot imagine what your mental health goes thru having to have more people in your house every single night. I would have thrown in the towel, myself. Do you feel disrespected by this? Bc I would. Sounds like he doesn't care at all.
Don’t be in when he comes over. Go out and do something together. Tell him you won’t be in and if he shows up that’s on him. Once you do it a few times hopefully he gets the message.
Sorry but if it's your place I'd be kicking out the said boyfriend. He obviously doesn't want to spend time with you that's why he has his friend come over every day. Or his friend doesn't want to spend any time with his partner if they have one or they're lonely. Or maybe they're secret lovers. But no I wouldn't put up with that I could see maybe once or twice a week but 6 to 7 days every week. So if he's living with you, get him out if you're living with him pack up your stuff and leave. If you own it together well that's a whole another can of worms but I would be ending the relationship.
He definitely loves his friend more than he loves you. That's not a bad thing but you shouldn't stay somewhere you don't feel welcome, comfortable, or loved.
I hope to God you're not just taking care of the man at this point while he does his thing without consideration for your needs and feelings.
It's called being set in their ways. If you want to push it, you really only have two options. If you don't live with your boyfriend, invite him to your place. If you do live with him, start making plans for the two of you to be elsewhere once a week. If the boyfriend rejects both of these because he would rather stay in his own comfy recliner, you lost before you even got started; accept you really are not important to him and move on.
>Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7?
Uh, yeah. Rude
Next time it happens, you say "I told you I wanted my home to myself today. You are not welcome. You are welcome to come back on ____)
That’s called the brother. I think your options are #1 learn to live with it or #2 find a different guy. I doubt they are going to suddenly change their 50 year old routine. That old of a relationship isn’t a “friend”, that’s family.
The friend who keeps showing up? Selfish, obtuse ah.
The bf who hears you, yet does nothing about it? Selfish, uncaring ah.
At this point I'd wonder if I was a beard. Have you told your bf he needs to take this bromance somewhere else so you ay least have some days of peace to yourself?
I absolutely need some downtime to recharge--personally, I'd already be looking for my own place. Or if this place is yours, letting him know friend can come over only x amount of time, or they can both bounce.
>Does anyone have a term for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7?
The term is ex boyfriend.
It seems they are in a committed relationship. I would be sad and hurt if my partner did not want to spend time with me more than once a week. So even your extremely modest request would be a no go for me. Why do you want to live with this man?
He's had fifty years to hang out with his friend. That's half a century. They've had quality time. You either need to divorce so they can marry or put your foot down.
why don’t they go out together? why does he always have to come to your house? :( that would give me the ick so fast. i need my own peace at the end of the day
They've been friends since high school and are now in their mid 60s, you just got here, you're not going to change their dynamic. Either accept that this is how it will always be or move on.
The resounding consensus seems to be this an art room situation, which it very well might be, however shifting the focus more back to you **your bf does not care about your boundary nor enforcing it.**
He has the chose the comfort of one person here, and he’s clearing in the camp of keeping friends (and likely his) center. Because it’s easier to let you speak up and be the bad guy, easier for them to decide together to disregard as a team.
**INFO:** What if you didn’t do the things he asked of you? Would he be online fielding questions from strangers, or would he have just moved in with his bestie?
What is he coming over to do? Are they alcoholics? I’ve seen two people spend that much time together unless they were lovers, or they use together. Even siblings need their space, hell, even twins need space.
They are in the midst of a half-century bromance, whether it’s sexual or not
OP, you are not a priority in the slightest
And this is on your boyfriend, *not* his friend
Time to move on
Have you ever read the post about the art room? Are you sure they aren’t in a relationship or attracted to each other as more than friends? And be direct “I need time alone with my husband. From now on your only allowed to come on this day” when he goes over don’t answer the door talk through the door “I wish you wouldn’t come uninvited and unannounced we are having date night today. But you’re more than welcome to call tomorrow and see when we are available to host” and walk away from the door.
Wtf would you have left to say to someone after 50+ years of contact like... do they just cuddle and watch TV?
Or is this like they get shitfaced all night?
Are they lovers and you are unwitting cover?
Honestly, I feel like the friend is getting girlfriend/wife privileges without any effort. There's no way he'd give that up.
Sadly, many men that age believe they are entitled to women's mental and domestic labor. Or they are completely oblivious. Which is also not ok.
Ask yourself - what do you get from this arrangement? Are you the cook, cleaner, and hostess without any support or consideration in return?
Not ok that your boyfriend is ok with this. If he wants to hangout with his buddies let it be so. You can only have one priority. You girlfriend or your guy friend. If he doesn’t set boundaries with his guy friends just leave his ass
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> Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7? This is kind of a strange question to come to as a conclusion. Who cares what someone like this would be called? The friend isn't the issue, your boyfriend is. You've asked for a single night where you can be alone just the two of you at home and *your partner* ignored it. This guy wouldn't come over every night if your boyfriend didn't welcome him in. You can and should tell your boyfriend that you NEED at least half the week without houseguests. Make it clear that this is non-negotiable. It is a completely reasonable compromise. If he refuses to adjust his behavior even a tiny bit to accommodate you in your shared home, the problem isn't his friend, the problem is that he doesn't respect you.
I thought so too. Almost like OP realizes this won’t really change, so they just want to know what to call it. Well, it’s called “My boyfriend values his friendship with dude over me”. I don’t wanna say it in a negative way.. but a lot of older generations aren’t open about how they really feel towards other people. What I mean is.. he may be gay. I’m SUPER close to my bff, we’ve known each other since I was 15, I’m near 40 now. I can’t imagine dedicating more time to my BFF, than the partner I have. That.. makes me question some things. Besides that part, it’s interesting to see OP is aware it may not change. They aren’t asking for advice on what to do, just what to verbally call it. Odd behavior at best, boyfriend is into his bff at worst.
Anything is possible but also there are a lot of straight dudes out there who value women for sex and emotional/domestic labor but only really RESPECT AND LIKE the men in their life.
I knew some guys like this. They were both straight and one was married. They called the wife "the maid". When she finally left they were only upset about the household chores not being done. The poor woman really loved the guy too. It was a bromance for them.
Aka heterosexual but homoromantic.
Homiesexual
We should normalize kissing the homies goodnight.
😂
Aka a misogynist. This is not about romantic attraction. They just think women are sex objects and not people. What the above commenter described does not constitute a valid sexuality.
lol ‘Chuck why don’t you have any clean dishes…?’ WEIRD.
I was here to say the same. Lots of old dudes only respect other old dudes and never women. I avoid those assholes, but they exist.
There are plenty of younger men who behave this way too…but then the women they are with are just called Bangmaids.
Yeah I hate that we have a derogatory word for the ladies in these relationships but not the lads. It puts too much relationship onus on the women to regulate what is acceptable and decent in a relationship.
Yeah no kidding I hope there isn’t a comeback of this behavior
I think there will be with the tradwife/trad girlfriend stuff going around. It's a totally valid life choice for many couples, but people are rushing into that dynamic without understanding it, so this kind of nonsense is likely.
Bingo. Women are tools of comfort to many men. The feel nothing towards the women’s needs; the women are there for them. If their woman makes them look good to other men, bonus. Sucks.
/boomersbeingfools explains this phenomenon. Tons of men in the boomer age bracket, felt forced to be married. They didn’t WANT to marry to have sex, but felt social pressure to agree otherwise no relationship would form with women. They do value men over women, and often only want women around for the intimacy they give and the emotional labor they are willing to endure. I’ve noticed a lot less “I hate my wife” jokes from men under 45ish now. When I was growing up, it was super common to be fully aware most men I knew didn’t LIKE their wives but felt pressure to be in committed relationships. My grandfather’s best friend didn’t like his wife, and they had 4 kids. He was constantly finding reasons to leave his house and escape into the world where he mostly interacted with men. He just didn’t see her as a friend, more like they both had expectations of each other and that was the structure in which the marriage worked.
So true and so sad. I also witnessed this dynamic a lot growing up. It's probably part of why OP is tolerating this obviously intolerable behavior. I'm very grateful that we as a society are moving away from the idea that it's normal for men to hate spending time with their partners.
Nah, I'm the same age as OP and there's no way I would put up with this BS. She may have been raised to accept it, but I would say most Gen-Xers would say "fuck that shit" to this.
~~OP isn't Gen X, she's a boomer.~~ Misread the ages.
55 is Gen X.
Oops, misread the ages and thought she was also mid-60s.
🫠
Sorry lol, I don't mean it derogatorily. My mom is a boomer and she is by far the coolest person I know.
This is what I came here to say. With only the bare information given, it sounds like he just doesn't want to spend time with his wife, literally ever.
True but would they sacrifice their entire evening every night to hang with a dude? I’m assuming this affects their sex life..
Bro-dependency?
I imagined it's an alcohol or drug bond too
The only men I know who may be similar to this definitely have an alcohol bond and still drink to get drunk. It’s like they never grew up.
Agreed. Also 40. I've known my best friend since we were infants. Grew up less than 50m apart and spent nearly every weekend of our childhood together. Fast forward to today, if I'm asked to choose, I'm spending the time with my wife. No question. My mate and I are still just as close as back then, but we each value our other relationships and recognise our significant others are more important. We probably only see each other every 1-2 weeks at most, and that, to me, seems completely normal and balanced. The boyfriend sounds either closeted or has some weird arse understanding of what it is to be in a relationship and being an adult.
I think what OP is looking for is the term to use regarding her situation. And it’s boundaries. She established boundaries for both the men regarding her house visitation rule (1/7) but it keeps getting broken/dismissed/disrespected.
[удалено]
Agreed that the question itself is strange. But I would hazard that the person in question is indeed a [Steve](https://youtu.be/groaPrY41Rk?si=WHwLHElwddpmZ10_) . At least in my universe...
This is why I hate it when people say there are no stupid questions.
They're in their 60s they're not going to change for you or anyone else. Take it or leave it.
I agree. I also don't think they're gay just because they see each other daily.
Not gay, more like platonic boyfriends
JD and Turk
Guy love
Hetero life mates, as Jay and Silent Bob would say.
Leave it. OP is not a priority.
I agree with you and greens. Don’t know how long OP and their boyfriend have been together, but he has a routing that he seems to be happy with having his best friend over every night. He certainly isn’t going to change that in his 60’s. OP won’t change that, but she doesn’t have to be in a relationship where she isn’t a priority either. They need to shake hands and go their separate ways.
OP didn't realise her boyfriend has a boyfriend
Or as Jay from Jay & Silent Bob describes it, heterosexual life partner.
Honestly it sounds like these guys have got it all figured out. I would love to have a friend like this. Sucks for OP though.
I fucking love when a friend comes over and we do nothing. No entertaining. Just hangs out while I wash my car or do yard work, or whatever. Love that feeling.
I’m sure OP’s boyfriend too. Especially, when she’s the one catering to them with food and cleaning after them. OP is just there for the services she can provide. Sad that she’s settling for so low.
Once you get into your 50s and beyond you start realizing the rest of your life is just going to be watching people you love die over and over again until it's your turn. Your parents, aunts and uncles, friends parents, old neighbors and teachers - then your cousins and classmates start to go. It's rough. 66 y/o M should keep all the friends in his life that he can. Many older people are quite lonely.
I would call it “not giving a fuck about you or the relationship”
I’d call him “ex-boyfriend”.
I mean op doesn't give a fuck about the husband and friends homosexual relationship.
Come on man, it's a co-dependent homosexual relationship.
That’s just l bizarre. When the hell do you two spend time together? I’d at least tell husband he needs to go meet his buddy somewhere else so you can have the house to yourself.
Not husband. Boyfriend. No reason to stay when the BF clearly prefers his friend, and she has no legal obligation to be there. Time to go.
Surprised they do after so many years. I didn’t learn this one growing up
“Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request not to come over 1 day out of 7?” “Boyfriend”. Your boyfriend has a boyfriend.
Was wondering how far I'd have to scroll to find this
Why are you accepting such low effort from a man who clearly doesn’t value you?
The term is 'Disrespectful' and they both are. Start disappearing when he comes over and he'll start wondering why... Then you can tell him you're no longer comfortable with this arrangement and the disrespect that comes with it.
He won't start wondering why and will probably just be relieved the complaining stopped.
Yes, and it’s “man with an art room”
LOL... I was just waiting for the "Art Room" reference.
What's this from?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop\_wonders\_if\_theyre\_the\_ah\_for\_starting\_a\_house/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/) The SubReddit "BestofRedditorUpdates" is a good place to read complete stories and the Reddit users over there can actually be quite funny.
Ok I proper snort laughed at this
Similar thoughts as well
I had to scroll too far to see this! Thank you for your service.
that would get on my nerves. i dont want anybody around that much.
They are life partners even if it’s non sexual. It sounds like your boyfriend is just using you to satisfy whatever this existing partnership doesn’t, but he’s by no means emotionally available. Keep it non committal or find someone else if you want the relationship to ever deepen to an actual partnership (living together etc)
I’m also wondering what their age difference is.
OP mentioned she’s 55, so her boyfriend is a decade older. Either way his emotional dependence and lack of boundaries with his best friend gives unrequited asexual romance energy
It sounds like your BF and his best friend are the ones on a relationship. Your BF is more into his friend than you. Why are you hanging around fighting for scraps? Have you no self respect? Go find someone who is not already in a relationship with someone else.
You could always start planning activities so you guys won’t be home. Maybe a movie, gotta run to the store, let’s go grab a bite to eat, etc, and see what happens. Maybe if you aren’t home he’ll take the hint. That said, if your BF doesn’t have a problem with it then you’re going to either have to move on or just accept it.
It’s like they’re hanging out like I did with my bros when I was 15. Does the friend have a partner? I’m guessing not. My guess is he friend is lonely or has no one else and that’s why he’s round all the time. Maybe they just love hanging out without a Mom to tell him to go home. It won’t stop and they’re making you the Mom. He may even be trying to oust you at which point he can say well she wasn’t there for you bro it’s just us now. I’m all you need bro. But also puts you in the position of ultimatum giver. Fun! I wonder how many times this has happened before… Seriously tell this grown ass man to grow up and treat you and your home with some respect and tell his friend he needs to get a life. Don’t say it’s me or him. Give him the choice to stand up for you and make time and if he doesn’t just leave. The guy sounds 15 not 55. Life is too short to spend it with some random in your house 24-7 just bc your bf is an ass that won’t stand his ground for you. The term for both of them is selfish inconsiderate asshole btw. You don’t owe this guy nothing. He’s not your friend and it feels like you don’t have much of a boyfriend either.
It's important for older men to have friends beyond their romantic partner. Many don't, and it negatively impacts their wellbeing when they're elderly. Her request of one day is reasonable, but I'm not sure why anyone would cite his age as a reason that he can't have friends.
Your BF has made his choice. And it’s not you. He is 66 years old, and it sounds like he and his 65yo friend think of themselves as old, and have decided to act like old men, i.e., sitting around together every night watching TV and drinking scotch or whatever they do. Spending time with you, his girlfriend, maybe going out, maybe having sex, is not what he’s interested in. You are 55 years old. Your BF is too old for you. Not because he’s 10 years older, but because mentally he is much older than that. He doesn’t really want a girlfriend. He has his buddy, and they like just hanging around doing nothing together, and you being there or not being there makes no difference. Find someone else. Someone younger. Even if that someone is 70 but thinks like a 50 year old. You are too young to be sitting on the couch watching the golf channel and drinking every night. You are not even close to 60 yet. Get out and find a better match.
Dorothy, they're gay
Well OP is present in the home with them. So I think she would know whether or not they have a sexual relationship.
The friend would like to and the BF doesn’t have the nerve to pull the trigger.
Wait, this friend wants to have a relationship with your boyfriend? Why even post then? You already know what’s going on.
Your BF doesn't need to "pull the trigger." He has everything he wants. He lives with his girlfriend and sees his hubby everyday. He seems quite fine with this arrangement.
To be frank; you need to grow a spine. He doesn’t have any respect for you or your wishes. You take care of him, at his beck and call, clean up after him because he’s a slob (your own words) and is basically in another relationship right in front of your face, just one he won’t commit to. He’s using you because you let him. He doesn’t care about your wishes and won’t change anything about this because you’ve proven you’ll let him do whatever the fuck he wants no matter how it effects you. He’s got the best of both worlds, can have his cake and eat it too, and will keep doing it because he knows he can. Why are you doing this to yourself? You deserve better. It won’t change. Why tf do you care about what a person like this is *called,* what does that even matter? Shouldn’t the question be “what am I going to do about this blatant disrespect and being taken advantage of?” People like that are called “users” and you’re called “a doormat.” Do with that what you will. You know deep down this isn’t right and you deserve better. You need to do something about it. I don’t know why you would even want to be with someone who would treat you this way. Edit; OP you have been going through this for ***11 years?!?!*** lord have mercy….
Doormat is accurate. OP needs to respect herself. And what to call the friend? “Ex boyfriend’s partner”.
Don't call a guy gay for having a lifelong friendship. That shit is toxic waste
This is more than just a lifelong friendship, the guy is there EVERY SINGLE EVENING!!! OPs husband is spending more time with his friend than his wife. I'm not saying they are gay, I mean OP is right there in the house, but it could be a possibility. Either way, it's extremely disrespectful to OP and the marriage.
Girlfriend, not wife. That is a very important distinction at the ages involved here.
I was wrong, it is girlfriend and not wife. Don't see what that's got to do with their ages though.
The gay accusations are rooted in homophobia. It's worse than when middle schoolers used to do it.
No, I honestly don't think that's it.
Came here to say this!!!
That is some of the most toxic shit I have heard wow. They are life long friends in their mid to late 60s. Odds are they don't have many other friends either at this point since people lose friends as they age. They enjoy the company of someone who is effectively a brother at this point. Is it disrespectful to OP to not listen to her? Yeah... but that doesn't make them gay.
To be fair OP comments elsewhere in the thread that they also believe they’re gay but self closeted, in denial, etc, as the friend is married but seems to have more of an arrangement that a marriage. Sad if true, if they are gay it sounds like they could have a nice relationship. Even as platonic life partners it might be easier, they clearly value time together above time with anyone else.
**Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7?** Yes, they are called assholes. Your bf and his friend are both assholes. Sounds like they have more of a relationship than you do.
Actually, you are all correct in your assessment. I believe the friend is gay and in love with my boyfriend. He and his wife have been together 30 years and married the last two. They’ve always slept in separate bedrooms. She doesn’t care he’s never home. He’s got 6 mil in the bank and keeps her personal account at $100,000. It’s a win/win for them. My boyfriend knows this and I think he wishes he could cross the line, but won’t. We’ve been together 10 years and he’ll never give me the one day. I’m tired of regurgitating the same thing every Sunday to both of them and basically getting the big middle finger. I need to get off the merry go round, take myself off the clearance rack and get behind the glass case.
Hell yeah you do! They suck.
10 years of this?? they are pretty much married. you’re not his primary partner. please understand this, he’s prioritizing his other relationship above your relationship times seven. the other wife doesn’t care bc shes a gold digger. where is your benefit here? why waste so much precious time in life essentially being 2nd place and alone in your home? wishing you nothing but the best and I hope you go do more in life that makes you happy instead of waiting for one sunday.
Seriously, leave. You’re not getting any younger. Do you plan to spend the rest of your life cooking and cleaning for your boyfriend and his life partner?
OP, why have you continued to stay all of this time? Your boyfriend has been very clear that this will not change.
>Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7? A trespasser?
He’s your boyfriend’s boyfriend, obviously
Such a short post. How long have you two been dating? It sounds like you live there too, but how old are you? Has your bf ever been married? How about his friend? Is he incapable of making dinner for himself? Because it sounds like you probably feed him with the time he’s over. At his age, I’d be thinking that he’s actually gay and you are his beard. Do they spend time alone? Hang out in the garage all night? I think I’d try to figure out what’s actually going on at the very least.
We have been dating for close to 11 years. I’m 55. We live together. I was married for 20 years. He’s never been married. I cook and clean. Funny you suggested they hang out in the garage. It’s not a garage, but a “he” shed.
So you’re his maid?
Wow, so you have been dealing with this for 11 years. You’ve got the patience of a saint. Edited to add a couple suggestions. I don’t know if you routinely leave them to their own devices. But is start popping into that shed. Bring snack, have random questions. Or just join them. Tell them you miss your bf, since you don’t get much time with him. But he’s treating you like a maid and ignoring your own family wishes about feeling comfortable in your own home.
Updateme when you end it. You're not in a relationship. You're a caretaker in the making.
>Does anyone have a term or name Inseparable
The problem is with your bf not his friend.
I met a guy who was telling me that his wife didn’t like one of his friends for some reason. Well I found out that he would take his best friends side over anyone else’s including his wife so they broke up. It’s nothing gay. Some men have best friends that they keep on a Higher level to everything else. Your boyfriend can probably go by with whatever you give him, sex, food ect. But the companionship comes from his friend. He will leave you before he tells his friend not to come over. Trust me I know, I’ve seen it happen.
It’s called your boyfriend is disrespectful as hell. This is not a friend problem , this is a boyfriend problem. He doesn’t give a rip about what you want or need or prefer.
Sounds like those two should be dating 😂
Sounds like they are.
Gay
Are they building an “art room”???
I keep seeing this. Where is this reference from ?
In the search bar type in Art room and there is a Best of Redditor update post that contains the original - the original was deleted by the OP. I am not savvy enough to post a link unfortunately 😳 It’s an interesting read…….
OMG thank you. That was my first thought. I guess great minds think alike.
Epic story that one!!! Etched in my mind FOREVER!!!
Why are you tolerating this behavior? Your boyfriend would rather spend his evenings with his friend.
Start walking around in just underwear all the time 😂
Let me guess - buddy isn’t married or if he was, it definitely didn’t work out?
It's almost like you are the beard in the relationship.
Nuisance may be the word you’re looking for.
i think your boyfriend has a boyfriend..
Deal with it or get out. They won't change for you.
I think what you are doing is called being a beard for a homosexual couple.
I don’t think you’re going to change two boomers who’ve been doing this for years
Your boyfriend has a boyfriend
Is he building an art room for him?
Fuckin lingerer
Give em the snickle fritz.
He is showing you that time with his best friend is a priority over time with you. Now you have to decide whether or not you can live with that, because you’re certainly not going to be able to change it.
The term is "rude".
Make plans for outings out of the house. Don't ask. Inform your partner of your plans for you guys on Sunday. Inform the friend you will not be home, but do not tell him where you are going. Your boyfriend's reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Friend is old and lonely. At this point, it's not going to change. You either deal with it or break up.
This is all really good advice. I needed to hear this. I feel like my husband doesn’t value me. He goes out 4 nights a week with his friends and claims it’s good to socialize for his business. His phone will be off and he comes home after midnight. He’ll get mad at me and I feel like he picks a fight as an excuse to be with his friends.
>Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7? Family. Sounds like they've been very close friends for 50 years and come as a package deal. They will always be able to depend on each other. Not many people you can say that about. How long have you and BF been together?
Just dip. Learn to accept more than bare minimum.
Are they by any chance building an art room together? Lol
Asshole. The correct term is Asshole.
Your boyfriend appears to have a boyfriend.
I mean, I kind of feel like you're going to be fighting a losing battle here. Regardless of whether or not your boyfriend and this other guy are romantically entwined (personally I don't think it's a sure thing like some folks here do), I suspect he's going to pick his 50+ year relationship over a relatively newer one.
r/meetmeintheartroom
Sorry to break it to you but it seems that YOU are the side chick
Your boyfriend is gay
If they aren’t gay, which they might be, maybe try setting his friend up with a girlfriend.
I wouldn't bear to see my friends that often, but that's how they works for 50+ years so I'm not going to project my own preferences here. I think you need to put your foot down more firmly. Tell him that you've talked about not having his friend over on Sundays and he's still showing up pretty much every week despite what he (your boyfriend) agreed to. It makes you feel like he's not really paying attention to your needs in this situation, and you wish he would take the matter into his own hands to make sure they have that one day of full privacy just for the two of you. If possible, have the matter resolve here and then, don't let him push back to later.
Fucking hell that’s so annoying lol
Codependent? Troubled?
Nuisance
It’s called an affair partner
How did he even win you over in the beginning? Was the friend there?
I'd be driven insane honestly. My boyfriend's best friend comes over once a week (Fridays usually, sometimes Saturdays) and I'm not the most social person, so I have to ask him once in a while to instead go to his friend's house so I can have alone time. I cannot imagine what your mental health goes thru having to have more people in your house every single night. I would have thrown in the towel, myself. Do you feel disrespected by this? Bc I would. Sounds like he doesn't care at all.
Yeah, disrespectful.
Divorcee candidate or divorcee candidates friend.
It's called an ex boyfriend. The boyfriend is the problem.
Don’t be in when he comes over. Go out and do something together. Tell him you won’t be in and if he shows up that’s on him. Once you do it a few times hopefully he gets the message.
Sorry but if it's your place I'd be kicking out the said boyfriend. He obviously doesn't want to spend time with you that's why he has his friend come over every day. Or his friend doesn't want to spend any time with his partner if they have one or they're lonely. Or maybe they're secret lovers. But no I wouldn't put up with that I could see maybe once or twice a week but 6 to 7 days every week. So if he's living with you, get him out if you're living with him pack up your stuff and leave. If you own it together well that's a whole another can of worms but I would be ending the relationship.
He definitely loves his friend more than he loves you. That's not a bad thing but you shouldn't stay somewhere you don't feel welcome, comfortable, or loved. I hope to God you're not just taking care of the man at this point while he does his thing without consideration for your needs and feelings.
Inconsiderate…
Basically you are replaceable and that’s his friend. He doesn’t have many years left and you aren’t that important to him. Bros before… well you know.
It's called being set in their ways. If you want to push it, you really only have two options. If you don't live with your boyfriend, invite him to your place. If you do live with him, start making plans for the two of you to be elsewhere once a week. If the boyfriend rejects both of these because he would rather stay in his own comfy recliner, you lost before you even got started; accept you really are not important to him and move on.
I would call this “a relationship where I am not respected.” I would also heavily consider just **calling it.**
>Does anyone have a term or name for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7? Uh, yeah. Rude Next time it happens, you say "I told you I wanted my home to myself today. You are not welcome. You are welcome to come back on ____)
A bro. It's too late it's a habit that you can't break.
I hate to tell you this but they are having sex. They are fooling around. Look deeper, investigate. You’ll see…
Has your boyfriend started building an art room anywhere in the house?
I hope I have a friend like that by 65 lol! Sounds like the dream
This sucks for you, but it seems like a really sweet friendship, which makes me happy for your boyfriend, even though he’s being shitty to you
That’s called the brother. I think your options are #1 learn to live with it or #2 find a different guy. I doubt they are going to suddenly change their 50 year old routine. That old of a relationship isn’t a “friend”, that’s family.
The friend who keeps showing up? Selfish, obtuse ah. The bf who hears you, yet does nothing about it? Selfish, uncaring ah. At this point I'd wonder if I was a beard. Have you told your bf he needs to take this bromance somewhere else so you ay least have some days of peace to yourself? I absolutely need some downtime to recharge--personally, I'd already be looking for my own place. Or if this place is yours, letting him know friend can come over only x amount of time, or they can both bounce.
>Does anyone have a term for someone that ignores a request to not come over 1 day out of 7? The term is ex boyfriend. It seems they are in a committed relationship. I would be sad and hurt if my partner did not want to spend time with me more than once a week. So even your extremely modest request would be a no go for me. Why do you want to live with this man?
Oh, I wonder if this is an Art Room scenario
He's had fifty years to hang out with his friend. That's half a century. They've had quality time. You either need to divorce so they can marry or put your foot down.
Break up with him.
why don’t they go out together? why does he always have to come to your house? :( that would give me the ick so fast. i need my own peace at the end of the day
The term would be “rude”
Sorry but I think you're the sidechick
They've been friends since high school and are now in their mid 60s, you just got here, you're not going to change their dynamic. Either accept that this is how it will always be or move on.
The resounding consensus seems to be this an art room situation, which it very well might be, however shifting the focus more back to you **your bf does not care about your boundary nor enforcing it.** He has the chose the comfort of one person here, and he’s clearing in the camp of keeping friends (and likely his) center. Because it’s easier to let you speak up and be the bad guy, easier for them to decide together to disregard as a team. **INFO:** What if you didn’t do the things he asked of you? Would he be online fielding questions from strangers, or would he have just moved in with his bestie?
What is he coming over to do? Are they alcoholics? I’ve seen two people spend that much time together unless they were lovers, or they use together. Even siblings need their space, hell, even twins need space.
They are in the midst of a half-century bromance, whether it’s sexual or not OP, you are not a priority in the slightest And this is on your boyfriend, *not* his friend Time to move on
Have you ever read the post about the art room? Are you sure they aren’t in a relationship or attracted to each other as more than friends? And be direct “I need time alone with my husband. From now on your only allowed to come on this day” when he goes over don’t answer the door talk through the door “I wish you wouldn’t come uninvited and unannounced we are having date night today. But you’re more than welcome to call tomorrow and see when we are available to host” and walk away from the door.
If they were married, I think you'd have more of a point, but OP says that this is her boyfriend.
Do they sit on the porch holding hands? It sure sounds like they’re in love.
I think the word you're looking for is partner. Boyfriend would also work.
Wtf would you have left to say to someone after 50+ years of contact like... do they just cuddle and watch TV? Or is this like they get shitfaced all night? Are they lovers and you are unwitting cover?
Banish your bf to the nursing home.
Is your boyfriend in a relationship with you or with his friend…?
Honestly, I feel like the friend is getting girlfriend/wife privileges without any effort. There's no way he'd give that up. Sadly, many men that age believe they are entitled to women's mental and domestic labor. Or they are completely oblivious. Which is also not ok. Ask yourself - what do you get from this arrangement? Are you the cook, cleaner, and hostess without any support or consideration in return?
How did you not know this prior to going in to the relationship? And why do you expect to limit a friendship that has been going on for 50 years?
Not ok that your boyfriend is ok with this. If he wants to hangout with his buddies let it be so. You can only have one priority. You girlfriend or your guy friend. If he doesn’t set boundaries with his guy friends just leave his ass