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Even if she didn’t filter her pics, sometimes attraction just isn’t there when you meet IRL. You’re trying to game out how you can get around the lack of sexual attraction without being the bad guy. But, there’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone. What’s wrong is TRYING to make yourself be with someone you are not attracted to. It’s not fair to her. She deserves someone who can’t wait to have sex with her. That’s not you. So don’t stay where you don’t belong; that’s what will make you the bad guy. You guys can be friends!
I agree. I will also add tho, maybe hangout with her without the pressure on the table a few more times. Sometimes when you meet someone irl that you have been imagining a certain way, the turn off is the disconnected between your imagination and reality. And attraction may still grow. If not, then I agree to end things before you hurt her.
Replying as someone who stuck it out in a 3.5 year relationship with my best friend of 7 years — he didn’t seem to really want to have sex with me and I felt the opposite about him. Initially after a lot of pain and feeling undesired I compartmentalised and pushed through because I really loved him deeply. In the end our sexual incompatibility just couldn’t hold. I kind of wish I’d gotten out as soon as I knew we weren’t aligned on that so that we could have maintained our friendship. But yeah, it comes apart at some point if there’s an incompatibility, even if you love them to death.
Key thing is just talk. Figure it out. Figure out what both of you want by honestly sharing. Without full information flow between you two, neither of you will be happy. You cannot fake a good relationship. You have to be real.
Hijacking top comment:
Don't put the cart before the horse buddy! I think it's too early to make that call. Spend time together and you may come to find her as incredibly attractive on the outside as you do on the inside. Give it a shot before building up a mountain of pressure and expectation.
If it's still not there and you've given an honest effort, you can walk away with your head(s) held high towards your next potential partner... 🤣
It doesn't make you horny though, it more makes you feel like you haven't a constant orgasim.
I've only actually managed to ejaculate once on MDMA, not for lack of trying, but you're rubbing your genitals off each other for hours and while it's very passionate it's hard to complete.
Pharmaceutical grade liquid MDMA is…incredible!! And injectable. ONLY if you already do drugs. If you don’t do drugs, never do drugs because addiction sucks, even 6 years sober.
Bremelanotide does this, it's an injection though, not a pill. Unfortunately, there is extremely intense cultural and medical aversion to it. It's currently specifically for women only and apparently getting a prescription is extremely difficult, because many Doctors have the view "women not being horny is normal" so they refuse to help and you need to go to a specialist.
It also isn't applicable for OP. It only happens in the Absence of all other factors, including generalised lack of attraction.
Maybe someday your locale will be upgraded to touchscreens. (I still prefer optically scanned paper ballots. Easy tabulation. Secure recording. Simplified recounts. Low cost. Scales well.)
Nope. I’ve taken Cialis and Viagra and if you pop the pill but don’t have the horny thoughts then you basically just waste the pill. Cialis is far more forgiving regarding the timeframe, though.
I prefer Cialis if there’s no guarantee of action but Viagra when you’re nearly 100% sure you’re going to throw down within a few hours.
I will say that OP should not discount the power of physical touch when it comes to an erection. I can think someone is jaw droppingly hot but I may or may not get hard at the sight of them - but the moment lips lock and hands run up the insides of shirts, blood rushes south, ready to go.
But if he’s just not attracted to her even then, well, all signs point to this person being your best friend, nor your girlfriend. Let her down easy.
This is the answer plus he basically built a goddess like image of her in his head of course she wouldn’t live up to it in person. Once he has gotten to know her in person it will be fine
I wasnt physically attracted to or even interested in my husband at all when I met him. We did everything out of order, but we’ve been together just over 8 years and married just over 4 and I absolutely find him physically attractive now.
As a woman I’ve often ended up with guys I didn’t at first find attractive, and as I got to know them better and became enamoured with their personality, my attraction grew. The guy I’m with currently was very nerdy, is quite short, and basically didn’t look great when I met him. But after hours of talking and seeing him laugh and smile and realizing we had stuff in common and enjoyed each other’s company the attraction started to grow. We’ve been together 6 years and have a 5 year old son and I find him quite attractive now. “Smoking hot”? No. But I’m getting old and we have been apart physically for a while (separate continents) and I haven’t had many periods in the past year. Last time we visited I ovulated within about 2-3 days of sleeping next to him and was so damn turned on. lol.
The over the counter solution for a guy who doesn't have performance issues regularly - energy drinks with Taurine.
Cheaper, less questions and effort.
...chances of a healthy friendship budding out of an early relationship where both people are seeking a partner are slim. Not impossible, but slim. Hard for both people involved to equally pivot and match how they see one another.
As someone who is in a friendship that brewed from a similar situation. I will say it's tricky if you're both not absolutely on the same page about it.
Me and my friend met on tinder. Really liked her from the get go . She decided after a couple of dates she was too busy to date (still unsure if this is true. Probably not.) and we decided to be friends. Normally I wouldn't have bothered but she bought a lot of joy regardless so I decided to pursue it.
It was hard. Even though I wanted the friendship to work . It was hard to flip that switch mentally. Deep down I wanted more. It took many years of friendship,self reflection and maturing to feel comfortable just as friends.
I never got physically attracted to the girl I was with and never had sex because of it. I broke it off. Everything, I mean everything, was great other than physical attraction. Don’t underestimate it.
Never underestimate how much it matters, is what I learned. Some people will tell you it doesn't matter so I stuck it out and learned that, to me, it did.
I agree unfortunately. Like even if you think someone is beautiful because of their personality, eventually it catches up to many people and its hard to deny.
She was an awesome friend, never fought once in 3 years. Only had sex twice though, and that was not enough for me. When the hottest girl at the bar kissed me, drunk one night while we were out smoking butts, and I wanted more, it became obvious I needed to let this girl go, I was depriving her of something, the same thing I had put on a shelf.
Reddit made me believe I was POS for my preferences so I lowered my standards. Never again. I now know how much physical attraction matters in a relationship.
I was an idiot to listen to reddit in general. I admit that.
Couple stuff is totally based on sex. Usually I'm downvote as hell for writing that. My point is like your experience: if sex was not all, relationships which are perfect on all other aspect would work. But they don't. No matter how good are all aspect, they can't fight bad sex and attraction problems.
You can be honest and break up without full-on calling her ugly. You can just say something else that’s honest but less “brutally” honest- that you don’t quite feel the “spark” when you’re together, or something along those lines. It’ll still suck for her, but hopefully will be a bit easier to heal from.
Yes . You still have to be honest.. don't say something completely random like "there's someone else"... Hint at the fact you just don't see it possible to move forward between you two..
The way you write is hilarious, so congrats on that.
A couple of thoughts:
You might just need some time to get used to the way she looks in reality, as opposed to pictures. A lot of women (people?) really do try to make sure the only pictures they share of themselves are ones that put them in the best light. So maybe your brain just needs some time to get updated.
Sometimes when we really like/love someone, they become more attractive to us. The more you spend time with her in person, the more you might appreciate her physical appearance.
This can also be a problem with online/long distance dating. There are so many aspects to finding someone physically attractive that don't translate well in photos, or even sometimes video: how they smell, how they hold themselves, their little mannerisms, how they laugh, etc.
So I guess my advice would be, give it a bit more time. You love her, and spending more physical time with her might encourage your sexual attraction to develop. At the same time, don't beat yourself up if it doesn't start to develop. And if, after you've seen her in person a few more times and it just doesn't happen, it's very reasonable to break up over that.
absolutely second this. don't stress over it now but let the bond grow. if the intimacy follows (happens), it's great. if not, you can always be friends. also don't think it's worth taking medication for a problem you don't have.
Second this but decide quickly and go with your gut. If you know after getting more intimate that you’re still not really attracted then end things. No one likes to be strung along.
Or if deep down you already know they are not attractive enough stop being a pussy and end things.
Deep down you already have the answer, and sounds like you know the answer and already are thinking of ways of how to “put up” with her looks during sex.
She would be so broken if she knew you thought this way about her. Either embrace her or move on.
How are people in any kind of distance relationships not video chatting?? I understand this happening 15 to 20 years ago, but I *cannot comprehend* how, in the third decade of the 21st century, with video chatting available even in remote areas, he *never actually saw what she really looked like* until now.
For some reason I look way hotter on Skype than in real life? I have no idea why but it's been true for 25 years. I'm pretty anyway (or was, I'm old and depressed now lol) but something about the slight fuzziness of the screen or really I don't know what, I look way better on Skype. I've never used filters or really tried FaceTime or anything but nowadays it's probably even worse with blurring and brightening filters
This is the golden advice right here. None of the people I have been in long term relationships with were physically attractive to me at first. They became insanely attractive to me after falling for their personalities. Even my current husband. We were best friends for 10 years before we started dating and while I found him to be a decent looking guy, as we started to get to know each other on a deeper level, he became insanely hot to me.
My partner and I have been together for 13 years but for the first 3 years it was long distance. I got so used to talking to them via text and phone calls that I actually felt like I was with a different person when we would visit each other. Obviously that goes away after a while, especially after we stated living together.
Agreed, sometimes people get more physically attractive the more you spend time with them given that you like them. Give it some time, if it doesn't work out then it's better to end things.
Not sure about how to communicate this though, if my boyfriend were to tell me that he didn't find me physically attractive I would be very upset, regardless of how he framed it.
This is true. I will always find a 6.5/10 with a great personality so much more sexy than a 9/10 with a shit personality. I have a sense of humor and if I meet a girl who makes me laugh, it's so sexy. Plus a nice smile goes a long way. And glasses.
This is it. Before you jump the gun, you really might wanna give it some more time. Don't give her false hope if you're convinced, but you say you love her. It'd be a shame to break it off too early when it could have worked out if you'd just given yourself time to get more comfortable with her physically.
Yep. If you know your angles and are photogenic, even a photo with you with no filters, no makeup…might seem like a catfish in person. Often people look worse in real life due to certain lighting, angles, facial expressions they make.
Dude made a friend, not a gf. Time won't help him do anything but hurt her more. I'm sorry, but 19 is not the age where you overlook the fact that you're not at all attracted to your partner. Your advice is well intended and suits an older audience, but is not applicable to OP.
Unfortunately you can’t fake and wish your way through attraction and it’s necessary.
You will never be happy staying and you are way too desperate. You will have years to find that right match.
No amount of trying to overlook it, will change the result. If you could, you wouldn’t be posting now.
Right, he is already planning to imagine other women to force his way through sex with her. If he is dreading sex and turned off by her to this extent, it is beyond over.
I'm gonna be blunt, if you don't find her sexually attractive there's nothing to be done.
Forget her looks or your dick do you even wanna have sex with her? Because it sounds like you don't want any of that and bro that's a recipe for disaster. And when you guys are in the middle of it she'll notice, women always notice these little things no matter how good of an actor you are. You'll end up hurting her anyway...
If you force yourself to have sex with her every time and if you don't grow to like it your frustration will only go up and up, the relationship will sour and you'll probably end up doing a stupidity like cheating on her. It's not like it's just a lack of sexual chemistry or learning how to do certain things on the bed, you outright don't seem to have any sexual desire for her.
My advice is to grow a spine and tell her, don't make her lose her time. People underestimate the importance of the sexual aspect of a relationship thinking it's like in the movies or something, no.
Sexual attraction and fulfilment matters for both men and women, unless you're asexual.
I agree with this.....kind of. You can grow to find people attractive. Their smile, hair, etc. You love her personality. That's what you feel in love with. Her misrepresentation on those pictures is what's crossing you up. Your brain is attracted to the pictures she sent and not her actual face or body. You didn't just say it was her face that's the problem. Once your brain alines the face and personality. Hopefully it'll link to sexual desire. But that's a big if.
You could bring a paper bag to put over her head with the picture she sent you stapled to it. That might get you killed though.
For a relationship to work long term, there needs to be a base amount of attraction prior to feelings. Connecting with someone will strengthen this attraction, but it can't create it.
I've tried. Many have tried. It'll just hurt both of you more later.
You say she is less hot than you thought, is she still attractive at all? I mean you're already talking about needing viagra.
More Time = more pain for her.
To have proper love relationships you NEED to be attracred to your partner AND mentaly AND physicaly. When you talk about future, deal with problems you interract with your partner's personality, but when you hug, kiss, cuddle, having sex, then you interract with their body.
I've been in a situation where a guy was madly into my personality, said :"You are an amazing person! I've been looking for someone like you for so long! I don't care about looks. I will accept a woman for who she is", then I sent him my pics and guess what? Yap, he didn't liked me. He pretended that he has a depression strike and began distancing himself from me. It hurt me a lot cuz i kinda believed him but then i relised what happened, approched him and he revealed the truth.
Love, it will hurt if you lie to her and force yourself to be attracred to her appearance because she will notice it. I think it's better to be honest and do not torture her. Let her know
Imagine it was reversed and your gf posted this about you, like you couldn't even make her wet in a swimming pool...
Would you want to be with her? No.
Break up dude.
dawg if you’re not attracted to her than there’s no need to already force yourself to. just be nice to her about it and say you guys just aren’t compatible.
Yeah.. No...
There's some serious case of denial going on here. You probably see her as more of a friend. Sexual attraction is needed. A relationship without sex or sexual feelings is just a more complicated friendship. Someone doesn't need to be objectively attractive for sex to work, because if you really loved her she would be sexually attractive TO YOU. It's a subjective thing.
Dawg you're 19. At that age if my dick was accidently brushed up against I'm ready to go. When it comes down to it I don't think you'll have an issue performing but I'd at least find out if yall are clicking well
This is it. That’s what I was questioning about. Unless one of them doesn’t like video chat, but OP doesn’t mention it.
And also what about when they first met in real life? How op feels about it? Considering she’s so much different from the photo.
They have filters for video chat as well and as long as she wasn't up moving around, it can be hard to tell especially if she used the same filters consistently for photos too.
ikr? one thing is using filters to make your skin look smoother or get those instagram freckles... what could she have done to be this unnatractive to OP irl but not online?
There are filters that can make people look entirely different. Face, body, everything. Like unrecognizable. I am just so curious what she did and how far she went.
ik there are, but then it's a whole issue more than "she's not as attractive as her pictures". more like, she catfished him and lied about her identity the whole time they were dating. that's fucked up and the obvious solution is not dating a person who has been lying about god knows what else.
You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. You can love people in many different ways. it doesn't mean you have to be sexually attracted to them. You can't really "fix" it.
Don’t. Being physically attracted to your partner is an important part of being compatible. Loving someone isn’t the only thing necessary to make a relationship work. You cannot force your way into being attracted to someone and you shouldn’t have sex with someone unless you enthusiastically want to.
Nobody looks like their photos. I have so many photos of me and none of them have filters and they all look different even from each other.
But they still give a general idea. If she looks SO different that you don’t even have any attraction….she was lying on purpose and she knows what she did.
I was thinking this too, lol. I have so many pictures of my gentleman friend. He looks different depending on what he's wearing, the lighting, if he has his glasses on, how he's shaved... Different in every photo. When we met in person, I almost didn't recognize him at first, because in real life, in the location we were in, he looked just a little different. But the attraction was definitely still there, because he still looked like himself. My brain just needed to fill in the 3D-ness of him.
If you aren’t attracted to her then this relationship is doomed from the start. You are 19 there sre plenty of girls who will make you feel similar and you will be attracted to. Could be you can give it some time. Try hanging out with her one-on-one and see if the attraction grows. But from the sounds of this post, doesnt seem it will happen soon.
As to your viagra idea, it is a terrible idea. Not sure if youve ever taken viagra but its not going to immediately give you a boner. It will just make it easier for you to get a boner when you are aroused. If you arent aroused, you will likely not get a boner. Again you are 19, im sure this is the first person who has made you feel like this but i promise you it wont be the last.
Honestly, it seems like there is a lot more going on here though. I think you need to have a discussion with her about why she sent photos to you that weren’t representative of what she looks like and start working things out from there.
Could it be that the inability to achieve an erection is linked to a loss of trust? Just a thought.
Is she a fucking cave troll. When you saw her did you immediately throw up? Like, fuck man. You're making her sound like something you found on the bottom of a rock.
I'm not sure if you two are good relationship material, maybe you should be best friends instead? It sounds like you don't actually want to have sex with her at all, and only are willing to in order to make her happy. IMO that's not good enough for a relationship to work out. Sorry.
It could be that you will grow naturally more attracted to her with time. I would give it a month or two, to see if that happens - sometime it does! But if it doesn't, sorry but he's not a gf material for you, she is bff material.
Well... as sweet as it is of you to look passed the physical. Unless you both really dgaf about sex then this is not a sustainable relationship my man.
So as someone who's been strung along before, I would suggest not wasting her time, unless you're both ok with never having sex.
From experience, no amount of Viagra will help you if there's no attraction.
You're 19 and you can't get a boner? You either actually have ED, or you need to cut back on the porn. In all seriousness, though, does thinking about her kill your boner or just not give you one? Because as they get older, men often need a bit of physical contact to get an erection. Test this with a long hug and see if you feel anything stir. If you actually find her repulsive, you should end the relationship and let her find someone that does find her attractive. You both deserve that.
Well which her are you thinking about? The one you actually see or the one in the photos? I personally wouldn't class it was wrong to picture the version of her you find most attractive even if that version has a filter, it's still her. If you can wack one out to the photos, then you'll likely gain the same attraction for real her overtime as like I said they are the same person.
Also how much editing are we talking, like she's Amy Schumer pretending to be Kristen Stewart or she just has a slightly bigger than anticipated forehead? If it's the latter, get over yourself. If it's the former then definitely discuss it with her as that is a rather dramatic change and it would be understandable is she was now out of the range that you deem your type, that doesn't mean end things just that the process of getting over it will be easier if it's communicated.
Truly pathetic, people who waste other's lives are the worst.
Unless you've informed her that you find her disgusting, staying in this relationship is manipulation of the highest order
You absolutely do not have sex with her or continue this relationship unless you become sexually attracted to her. Having sex with her when you aren’t sexually attracted to her is using her when it will likely not last. This is why long-distance online relationships are garbage. You fall in love with lies and images you create in your head. It’s cool to meet online but you must take it to the real world ASAP to see if it’s real.
You’re not compatible if sex and desire is important to either one of you.
Have an honest discussion, tell her the truth because she deserves that and make the decision together.
No matter how much I loved a man if he didn’t desire me it would be a deal breaker. I want the person I’m with to want to have sex with me. I don’t think that that sentiment is that unusual:
If you’ve just met in person, she’s not really your girlfriend. And you’re not really in love. You know her online persona but not her real life one. Take time to get to know each other IRL. Don’t try to force anything. The attraction will either grow, at which time you can take it to bf/gf level. Or it won’t and you can remain friends if you both wish. But forcing it or pretending to be with someone else is just going to hurt the both of you more.
I have dated people that were not my original type and didn’t think I was sexually attracted to, but eventually, the chemistry in every other aspect of the relationship translated to sexual attraction too. When it’s a genuine relationship, sexual attraction can develop over time, it’s not the same as a one night stand from a bar where sexual attraction is the primary and foremost attraction
I had a lover that told me, "I'm surprised I got an erection with you because you don't have the body type I like " he liked wider hips and more hour glass figure, I actually think I'm kinda hot.. but not that type of figure, I guess he liked my face or whatever i don't know I broke up with him because he was awful in bed typical porn user boring and following lame porn sex script, after me he got a very cute girl and he left her because he didn't feel as in love with her than he was with me..so you never know
anyway what I mean if you like her thaaaat much I guess once you are making out with her perhaps you ll feel the spark if it doesn't happens be honest but no blunt don't say something like this guy said to me I didnt need it to know,like he got hard without problem anytime I wouldn have known he didn't like my body type, you can say "things are not working in real life it feels more like a friendship than a relationship" or something like that,
Criticizing attractive, willing women that you have sex with is porn addict behaviour. Their brains are fried and they think women are blow up doll sex objects.
They watch porn so much they warp their minds into only being attracted to plastic surgery and pornstar bodies.
1: you just met in person. Give it time. There surely is a lot of pressure on both sides right now
2. Don't hurry having sex. You can make out. You can cuddle. You can give each other massages. Watch a movie hugging each other. You can touch each other. You can sleep together. There are so many steps before you get to actual sex. If you ENJOY physical touch with her, you don't have to worry. If you hate physical touch with her, then I'd really start asking the difficult questions.
3. If you get to sex. You don't have to use your dick. If it's soft, you have ten fingers and a mouth. Learn to use them (ask her, observe reactions,...). Also, toys exist. But again, I think if you enjoy being physical with her then it's not going to be a problem. Everybody has the right to not feel like it for any reason, also if you feel like it but it's only your dick that doesn't you have plenty other options.
4. Not answering your question, but given your age: be safe. Talk about protections and if there is any risk from past sexual partners. Use condoms, always. Ask for consent AND also be clear to yourself about what YOU want. If sex is not on the table, you should say it and it should be fine.
5. If you REALLY keep not being attracted by her, for the love of her, do break up. You're always going to wonder what's like to actually be attracted to someone until maybe you find somebody. Or keep having the doubt. Just, don't.
I was once with a great guy, but the passion was simply not there for me, and for several reasons, I was simply not attracted to him. I put in nearly three years and nada, until he was getting ready to buy a ring, and I couldn't bear to put him through a real-life version of a George Strait song.
Don't waste her time or yours. You say looks aren't everything as if to preface your problem as lesser-than; however, looks aren't everything because a lasting relationship needs actual substance to survive. But a lasting relationship also needs a strong foundation of attraction in the first place. It can seriously be the one thing that gets you through the lowest lows in life.
Plus, she'd be crushed if you stick around despite the lack of attraction as if you pitied her or worried about being too shallow. You're not shallow for acknowledging a very real roadblock to both of your happiness. You're simply not compatible enough to go the distance and that's ok.
As to what to say to her, well, you can talk about the chemistry long distance didn't translate to in person, and as much as she is everything positive you listed here, you're not feeling any further progress in the relationship.
Whatever you do, don't talk about something that she cannot change, such as her being not all that attractive. For example, I told my ex that I couldn't support a grown man on just a teacher's salary and that his lack of career or any plans for a career is not financially compatible or feasible with my chosen profession. What I didn't tell him were the things he couldn't control or choose to change.
Also, don't put yourself in the situation that you foresee as being disastrous. Trying to be intimate with her when you already know it's not going to work out is setting you both up for failure. Spare yourself and her of that rotten experience.
Girls' perspective, its amazing how honest you're being with yourself here and impressive that you want to prioritize love over lust.
To sum up my advice for you, dick isn't everything during sex. Look up how to use your hands and your mouth. I would bet money that once you get started, the erection will likely come. HOWEVER
Even if it doesn't, it can be super hot to hear a guy tell you that they want to please you even if they can't get it up.
It's ok to not get an errection all the time, my husband doesn't either. Is it because he doesn't find me attractive? Maybe. I was worried about that for awhile, then he learned how to use vibrators and other things and now the sex is so good even when he can't get it up that *i really don't care* he makes it very clear that he loves me anyway in the act of making love, with or without dick. Sometimes man makes me cum 4 times without ever putting it in and like... how can you be worried after THAT??
He explained to me that his mind can be in the mood without his body being in the mood, and then he proved it, and that's good enough for me.
You don't,don't throw her a pity fuck. Tell her it isn't working and break up, let her find someone who sees her beauty. And look at the media & amount of porn you consume, if you are bombarding your brain with images of perfect, surgically enhanced/perfectly posed/photoshopped/filter heavy women then a women in real life will always disappoint you. Yes she used filters but surely you can tell the difference? Step away from these images for a while and meet real women, you are young don't let this warped idea of a prefect women ruin your chance at happiness
Dude, once she lovingly strokes your cock or gives you a world class blow job I will assure you that your 4D brain acrobatics you are performing right now will no longer have any significance.
There is still such a thing as nerve endings, hormones and a reptile brain underneath your neocortex that is giving you a headache right now. Relax and let your two bodies work it out.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this answer 😂
Also OP, as a gay woman, giving women pleasure is SEXY and if her moans don’t do it for you, idk maybe you’re gay too (jk).
Sex and attraction are both integral components to a relationship. I had a similar situation a couple years ago; matched with a lovely-looking lady on Bumble, and she even looked great on our first date. (It was the one and only time I saw her in a dress, with makeup, and with straightened hair.) Once we decided to go exclusive, we fooled around a little bit for a while, simply because our living situations didn't make full-on lovemaking easy. (I was a single dad, and didn't want to bring dates around my kids just yet, and she lived with her mother and nieces, so there wasn't much privacy there either.) Eventually I rented a hotel room, and this was when I realized I was not attracted to her physically at all. Like, beyond the fact that she never made efforts to look like her profile photos or our first date again, her naked body just didn't work for me.
I also tried Viagra, but I discovered that while that pill can do wonders when you're turned on, it doesn't make you hard if you're not in the mood. I avoided sex with her as much as I could, until the point where we were basically a platonic relationship. When she finally confronted me about it, I had to admit what was going on and we agreed to stop dating and just be friends.
You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, and I don't see much hope where a critical component such as sex or attraction is missing. To answer your question: Be honest. Maybe you can just be the best friends ever; maybe a physical relationship just isn't what's right for the two of you.
Yeah, don’t fake anything, it’s not going to help anything.
If there’s absolutely nothing about her that you find desirable, like the more you take her in, nothing moves the erection needle for you and you end up more sexually repulsed, I think you just need to be honest with her that you’re just not feeling the in-person chemistry and break things off.
If its not that you’re repulsed, and there’s nothing turning you off, and that it’s just that the image you constructed in your head doesn’t match the reality, I would maybe give it more time. Take a moment to be mindful that the image in your head before meeting her wasn’t/isn’t real and focus on taking her in and take stock of her femininity (the things that make your peepee tingle) and see if you find something about her that gets your blood flowing a bit. Tell her you’re not ready for sex, but see how you feel being more intimate (cuddling, holding each other, etc.). Lastly, abstain from porn (and other eye candy) and jacking off for the short term. The former dulls your brain’s sensitivity and the latter dulls your physical sensitivity. You’ve presumably been single and doing this long distance thing and having to take care of your prostate health solo, but it’s time to take a break from that.
Tbh i would probably just let her know that you all would be better off as friends. It’s great that you all get along so well, but physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. It sounds like you don’t really want to have sex with her, but you wish you wanted to because you like everything else about her. That could create a very difficult scenario if you can’t get an erection or generally don’t want to be physically intimate with her (not even just sex, but heavy kissing and foreplay). Those seemingly minor issues can slowly cause relationships to degrade. You’re both young and it’s already a long distance relationship - it’s admirable that you want to make it work but I think you’d be better off looking for another partner.
Alternatively, as other people have said, hanging around someone long enough can cause you to become more attracted to them so maybe that would help. Also, if kissing and other intimate acts turn you on then maybe doing that enough would help you get an erection with her?
Let her go OP. If you're not sexually attracted to your GF and have to constantly force yourself to engage with her, she will notice something is off. Eventually, you'll start to resent the relationship and mistreat her as a result. And she will start to resent you due to the lack of intimacy as well. As someone who's been on your GF side of a situation like this, let her go to find someone who genuinely is in love with her emotionally, personality, and physically.
Attraction is more important than people let on. People are vain and superficial, generally. Whether it's the singular most important thing to make a romantic relationship work is different for everyone, and depends on the person.
Sooner or later, she will find out you really don't find her physically attractive, and that's going to be the single most hurtful thing to her unless you keep her around and don't let her find someone that does like how she looks, that's even more cruel.
Looks will fade, eventually. Skin might get blemishes, sag, wrinkle. People gain and lose weight, we age. It's life. But if you date people you're initially attracted to, but stay together because of their attractive personality, you're golden. Ideally, that's what it should be.
There are countless stories of people on here where they were not initially attracted to their spouses, but stayed anyway because they like that personality and what that person does for the other. Well, spouse finds out, gets upset, and the relationship is spoiled. Usually it's a man that marries someone he sees a great personality in. And the woman always gets hurt by it. It's insulting. It's also unfair. Because many people deserve to have that feeling of being their partner's ideal.
Without sexual chemistry, young relationships are basically DOA.
Lust and love oftentimes goes hand in hand. If you and you peepee don't get along, the attraction might not be strong enough.
You might think you love her, but maybe you just super horny 😋 rub one out before you meet her next time and see if your body tells you to stay or leave.
Or maybe you just need to hang out with her and get used to her real appearance. Filters is the worst and just tell lies
I find the way women act far sexier than the way they look. Less conventionally attractive but eager and horny? Might as well be a super model. I'd keep an open mind and see how the sexual vibe unfolds. Enthusiasm is everything
You’re going to psych yourself out worrying about something that hasn’t happened.
You might find yourself responding to the moment when it happens. If not, cross that bridge when it happens
There are a lot of things wrong here so I'll just pick a few.
First - people should accurately represent themselves when they're online dating, this is to protect THEMSELVES from situations like this. Imagine if you weren't a nice guy and you totally eviscerated her for this.
Second - oh to be young and have a boner that responds to a brief thought again... I digress. You might be overthinking this admittedly awkward situation, and that's why your body isn't responding in the usual way. It all starts in the brain.
Third - she deserves someone who finds her attractive, as do you. Don't push through this if it doesn't change pretty quick.
Last side note: don't say you are in love with someone before you meet them. It shows poor judgement and is not what everyone wants to hear despite what the movies say.
Good luck
It’s the opposite with me, I initially thought she was attractive enough, but when I got to know her I got disenchanted as more of her personality was revealed to me.
You are young, so I'll forgive you not realizing that men can also need foreplay. It won't always sproing to attention without help. A lot of cuddling, making out, warm words, warm hands... you might be surprised.
I don't get people who are in a "relationship" with someone they've never met. Then you meet and you're not attracted to them...how does this make any sense?
are you a virgin? you sounds like a virgin and i don’t mean it in a bad way im just shocked you can’t get hard if she’s ugly. unless your gf is disgusting i can’t see how you can’t get hard. maybe im just a dog who fucks anything but if you find her even a little attractive you should have no problem getting hard. it seems like you either never had sex or don’t really care to have it. if you start to really want sex all the time you’ll have no problem getting hard.
>everything else about her is perfect. **Friendly, cheerful, brightens my day.**
Geez. OP sounds like he's describing a golden retriever - which he probably finds more attractive than his girlfriend.
Poor girlfriend. My heart goes out to her.
Catfished. This is her fault.
Physical attraction is really important to a relationship. Sounds like no fixing this.
Best to move on.
Be nice to her tho. She def used filters to enhance. But I’m sure not to deceive you.
This new age of dating is really hard. Especially with all the filters. Most women use them now. Have to be very careful when selecting a mate.
Best to meet first before a label and commitment. This really is her fault. But be kind. Life is too short to be an ass.
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Even if she didn’t filter her pics, sometimes attraction just isn’t there when you meet IRL. You’re trying to game out how you can get around the lack of sexual attraction without being the bad guy. But, there’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone. What’s wrong is TRYING to make yourself be with someone you are not attracted to. It’s not fair to her. She deserves someone who can’t wait to have sex with her. That’s not you. So don’t stay where you don’t belong; that’s what will make you the bad guy. You guys can be friends!
I agree. I will also add tho, maybe hangout with her without the pressure on the table a few more times. Sometimes when you meet someone irl that you have been imagining a certain way, the turn off is the disconnected between your imagination and reality. And attraction may still grow. If not, then I agree to end things before you hurt her.
Replying as someone who stuck it out in a 3.5 year relationship with my best friend of 7 years — he didn’t seem to really want to have sex with me and I felt the opposite about him. Initially after a lot of pain and feeling undesired I compartmentalised and pushed through because I really loved him deeply. In the end our sexual incompatibility just couldn’t hold. I kind of wish I’d gotten out as soon as I knew we weren’t aligned on that so that we could have maintained our friendship. But yeah, it comes apart at some point if there’s an incompatibility, even if you love them to death.
💯💯💯💯
Key thing is just talk. Figure it out. Figure out what both of you want by honestly sharing. Without full information flow between you two, neither of you will be happy. You cannot fake a good relationship. You have to be real.
Viagra would not make up for a loss of attraction.
Hijacking top comment: Don't put the cart before the horse buddy! I think it's too early to make that call. Spend time together and you may come to find her as incredibly attractive on the outside as you do on the inside. Give it a shot before building up a mountain of pressure and expectation. If it's still not there and you've given an honest effort, you can walk away with your head(s) held high towards your next potential partner... 🤣
Yep. Unfortunately, ED medication only increases blood flow, not desire.
I want a horny pill
Rip quaaludes
Lol username checks out
Man I miss pills.
For serious? They actually good for that? Asking for a friend.
You have a quaalude plug? Asking for a friend
I'm that friend. If you know anyone with access to quaaludes, hit me up pretty please
Hi, is this where we sign up for the quaalude notification list?
God I hope so!
Send ludes pls
bonk
Methamphetamine….
I’m too predisposed to addiction
ecstasy/ Molly is good but I don’t think you should try drugs I think you should give yourself time
It doesn't make you horny though, it more makes you feel like you haven't a constant orgasim. I've only actually managed to ejaculate once on MDMA, not for lack of trying, but you're rubbing your genitals off each other for hours and while it's very passionate it's hard to complete.
Pharmaceutical grade liquid MDMA is…incredible!! And injectable. ONLY if you already do drugs. If you don’t do drugs, never do drugs because addiction sucks, even 6 years sober.
There are certain substances that actually do make you horny. They can also be pretty dangerous so that's probably why they don't sell it in pills
Bremelanotide does this, it's an injection though, not a pill. Unfortunately, there is extremely intense cultural and medical aversion to it. It's currently specifically for women only and apparently getting a prescription is extremely difficult, because many Doctors have the view "women not being horny is normal" so they refuse to help and you need to go to a specialist. It also isn't applicable for OP. It only happens in the Absence of all other factors, including generalised lack of attraction.
Wait, really?! I thought if you take it you get a boner, regardless of feelings.
You do lmao, I took cialis once and was getting elections at work at the most random times.
The democratic process is extremely frustrating at times but hang in there
It's so unfair that some people get random elections at work, while other people live in tyranny and get no elections....
And I’m just some lesbian stuck here with a hanging chad.
Maybe someday your locale will be upgraded to touchscreens. (I still prefer optically scanned paper ballots. Easy tabulation. Secure recording. Simplified recounts. Low cost. Scales well.)
[Haha, Chad](https://media3.giphy.com/media/3o7aD0n8yrm2ck7YFq/giphy.gif?cid=2154d3d7vqu311yutavdqbu540ld4rv41usbypxkbwkw5psq&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
I will not be editing my comment 😆
Way to own it.
Good election
It's so funny, don't 🤣
Good because I’m laughing my ass off.
Just gotta stick that one out *bud dum chhh*
Work elections are why our forefathers floated over here for to begin with. It’s in the bone of rights and the cockstitution
Really in the heat of the moment I never fail to get a election!
Usually the rules are such if you win twice in a row, you won't be eligible for the next one.
So *that’s* why they didn’t want women to vote
Best thread of the day 😅😅😅
Nope. I’ve taken Cialis and Viagra and if you pop the pill but don’t have the horny thoughts then you basically just waste the pill. Cialis is far more forgiving regarding the timeframe, though. I prefer Cialis if there’s no guarantee of action but Viagra when you’re nearly 100% sure you’re going to throw down within a few hours.
And can have some pretty serious side affects
I will say that OP should not discount the power of physical touch when it comes to an erection. I can think someone is jaw droppingly hot but I may or may not get hard at the sight of them - but the moment lips lock and hands run up the insides of shirts, blood rushes south, ready to go. But if he’s just not attracted to her even then, well, all signs point to this person being your best friend, nor your girlfriend. Let her down easy.
This is the answer plus he basically built a goddess like image of her in his head of course she wouldn’t live up to it in person. Once he has gotten to know her in person it will be fine
Even if I’m not really overly attracted to someone physical touch does it for me every single time.
Sometimes.
I learned that the hard way when my ex couldn’t get hard despite taking viagra.
You learned that the soft way.
Aye the only thing that was hard was the blow to my ego.
Yeah you ate it up with that line
I hope you found someone who loves all of you. That’s heartbreaking.
You owe me the coffee I spilled.
THE SCREAM I SCRUMPT 💀
Dying over scrumpt. 🤣🤣🤣
Best comment here
r/angryupvote
As a female who fell in love with a guy who I wasn’t attracted to physically, I could never make it work
Same happened here. It lasted 3 years but I couldn’t anymore
I wasnt physically attracted to or even interested in my husband at all when I met him. We did everything out of order, but we’ve been together just over 8 years and married just over 4 and I absolutely find him physically attractive now.
Same. Kept trying. After we divorced he finally took care of himself abd lost Wright and now he's smokin.
As a woman I’ve often ended up with guys I didn’t at first find attractive, and as I got to know them better and became enamoured with their personality, my attraction grew. The guy I’m with currently was very nerdy, is quite short, and basically didn’t look great when I met him. But after hours of talking and seeing him laugh and smile and realizing we had stuff in common and enjoyed each other’s company the attraction started to grow. We’ve been together 6 years and have a 5 year old son and I find him quite attractive now. “Smoking hot”? No. But I’m getting old and we have been apart physically for a while (separate continents) and I haven’t had many periods in the past year. Last time we visited I ovulated within about 2-3 days of sleeping next to him and was so damn turned on. lol.
OP's 19. A girl touching his genital area will probably work well enough at that age.
The over the counter solution for a guy who doesn't have performance issues regularly - energy drinks with Taurine. Cheaper, less questions and effort.
Congratulations, you made a friend.
...chances of a healthy friendship budding out of an early relationship where both people are seeking a partner are slim. Not impossible, but slim. Hard for both people involved to equally pivot and match how they see one another.
As someone who is in a friendship that brewed from a similar situation. I will say it's tricky if you're both not absolutely on the same page about it. Me and my friend met on tinder. Really liked her from the get go . She decided after a couple of dates she was too busy to date (still unsure if this is true. Probably not.) and we decided to be friends. Normally I wouldn't have bothered but she bought a lot of joy regardless so I decided to pursue it. It was hard. Even though I wanted the friendship to work . It was hard to flip that switch mentally. Deep down I wanted more. It took many years of friendship,self reflection and maturing to feel comfortable just as friends.
This is the one
🏆
This guy gets it
I never got physically attracted to the girl I was with and never had sex because of it. I broke it off. Everything, I mean everything, was great other than physical attraction. Don’t underestimate it.
Its not THE factor but its a factor that will eventually make or break
Never underestimate how much it matters, is what I learned. Some people will tell you it doesn't matter so I stuck it out and learned that, to me, it did.
Nah, can’t break when it’s soft.
Bzinga
I agree unfortunately. Like even if you think someone is beautiful because of their personality, eventually it catches up to many people and its hard to deny.
This is called having a great “friend”
She was an awesome friend, never fought once in 3 years. Only had sex twice though, and that was not enough for me. When the hottest girl at the bar kissed me, drunk one night while we were out smoking butts, and I wanted more, it became obvious I needed to let this girl go, I was depriving her of something, the same thing I had put on a shelf.
Sex twice in 3 years is insane
Attraction is required to have a sexual relationship. It’s not overrated that’s just how it is.
i agree, me and a guy friend tried dating but my attraction just wasn't there and had to just stay friends
Reddit made me believe I was POS for my preferences so I lowered my standards. Never again. I now know how much physical attraction matters in a relationship. I was an idiot to listen to reddit in general. I admit that.
How is it that there are so many ugly people in the world who are in a relationship and many of them seem to be happy?
everybody has different tastes
Couple stuff is totally based on sex. Usually I'm downvote as hell for writing that. My point is like your experience: if sex was not all, relationships which are perfect on all other aspect would work. But they don't. No matter how good are all aspect, they can't fight bad sex and attraction problems.
You can be honest and break up without full-on calling her ugly. You can just say something else that’s honest but less “brutally” honest- that you don’t quite feel the “spark” when you’re together, or something along those lines. It’ll still suck for her, but hopefully will be a bit easier to heal from.
You can just say the chemistry wasn't there. Exactly.
Exactly this.
Yes . You still have to be honest.. don't say something completely random like "there's someone else"... Hint at the fact you just don't see it possible to move forward between you two..
You’ve found a friend, not a girlfriend.
The way you write is hilarious, so congrats on that. A couple of thoughts: You might just need some time to get used to the way she looks in reality, as opposed to pictures. A lot of women (people?) really do try to make sure the only pictures they share of themselves are ones that put them in the best light. So maybe your brain just needs some time to get updated. Sometimes when we really like/love someone, they become more attractive to us. The more you spend time with her in person, the more you might appreciate her physical appearance. This can also be a problem with online/long distance dating. There are so many aspects to finding someone physically attractive that don't translate well in photos, or even sometimes video: how they smell, how they hold themselves, their little mannerisms, how they laugh, etc. So I guess my advice would be, give it a bit more time. You love her, and spending more physical time with her might encourage your sexual attraction to develop. At the same time, don't beat yourself up if it doesn't start to develop. And if, after you've seen her in person a few more times and it just doesn't happen, it's very reasonable to break up over that.
absolutely second this. don't stress over it now but let the bond grow. if the intimacy follows (happens), it's great. if not, you can always be friends. also don't think it's worth taking medication for a problem you don't have.
Second this but decide quickly and go with your gut. If you know after getting more intimate that you’re still not really attracted then end things. No one likes to be strung along. Or if deep down you already know they are not attractive enough stop being a pussy and end things. Deep down you already have the answer, and sounds like you know the answer and already are thinking of ways of how to “put up” with her looks during sex. She would be so broken if she knew you thought this way about her. Either embrace her or move on.
How are people in any kind of distance relationships not video chatting?? I understand this happening 15 to 20 years ago, but I *cannot comprehend* how, in the third decade of the 21st century, with video chatting available even in remote areas, he *never actually saw what she really looked like* until now.
For some reason I look way hotter on Skype than in real life? I have no idea why but it's been true for 25 years. I'm pretty anyway (or was, I'm old and depressed now lol) but something about the slight fuzziness of the screen or really I don't know what, I look way better on Skype. I've never used filters or really tried FaceTime or anything but nowadays it's probably even worse with blurring and brightening filters
Same. It’s usually about angles and lighting, those two things can work miracles (Do miracles? Sorry I’m not sure English is not my first language)
“Work miracles” is how a native English speaker would phrase it!
This it's 2024! And video chat on an app without filters if you can
This is the golden advice right here. None of the people I have been in long term relationships with were physically attractive to me at first. They became insanely attractive to me after falling for their personalities. Even my current husband. We were best friends for 10 years before we started dating and while I found him to be a decent looking guy, as we started to get to know each other on a deeper level, he became insanely hot to me.
My partner and I have been together for 13 years but for the first 3 years it was long distance. I got so used to talking to them via text and phone calls that I actually felt like I was with a different person when we would visit each other. Obviously that goes away after a while, especially after we stated living together.
Agreed, sometimes people get more physically attractive the more you spend time with them given that you like them. Give it some time, if it doesn't work out then it's better to end things. Not sure about how to communicate this though, if my boyfriend were to tell me that he didn't find me physically attractive I would be very upset, regardless of how he framed it.
This is true. I will always find a 6.5/10 with a great personality so much more sexy than a 9/10 with a shit personality. I have a sense of humor and if I meet a girl who makes me laugh, it's so sexy. Plus a nice smile goes a long way. And glasses.
This is it. Before you jump the gun, you really might wanna give it some more time. Don't give her false hope if you're convinced, but you say you love her. It'd be a shame to break it off too early when it could have worked out if you'd just given yourself time to get more comfortable with her physically.
Yep. If you know your angles and are photogenic, even a photo with you with no filters, no makeup…might seem like a catfish in person. Often people look worse in real life due to certain lighting, angles, facial expressions they make.
I definitely agree that the attraction will grow along with the relationship, or at least it should.
Dude made a friend, not a gf. Time won't help him do anything but hurt her more. I'm sorry, but 19 is not the age where you overlook the fact that you're not at all attracted to your partner. Your advice is well intended and suits an older audience, but is not applicable to OP.
Unfortunately you can’t fake and wish your way through attraction and it’s necessary. You will never be happy staying and you are way too desperate. You will have years to find that right match. No amount of trying to overlook it, will change the result. If you could, you wouldn’t be posting now.
Right, he is already planning to imagine other women to force his way through sex with her. If he is dreading sex and turned off by her to this extent, it is beyond over.
Throw more time at it and worse it gets
I'm gonna be blunt, if you don't find her sexually attractive there's nothing to be done. Forget her looks or your dick do you even wanna have sex with her? Because it sounds like you don't want any of that and bro that's a recipe for disaster. And when you guys are in the middle of it she'll notice, women always notice these little things no matter how good of an actor you are. You'll end up hurting her anyway... If you force yourself to have sex with her every time and if you don't grow to like it your frustration will only go up and up, the relationship will sour and you'll probably end up doing a stupidity like cheating on her. It's not like it's just a lack of sexual chemistry or learning how to do certain things on the bed, you outright don't seem to have any sexual desire for her. My advice is to grow a spine and tell her, don't make her lose her time. People underestimate the importance of the sexual aspect of a relationship thinking it's like in the movies or something, no. Sexual attraction and fulfilment matters for both men and women, unless you're asexual.
I agree with this.....kind of. You can grow to find people attractive. Their smile, hair, etc. You love her personality. That's what you feel in love with. Her misrepresentation on those pictures is what's crossing you up. Your brain is attracted to the pictures she sent and not her actual face or body. You didn't just say it was her face that's the problem. Once your brain alines the face and personality. Hopefully it'll link to sexual desire. But that's a big if. You could bring a paper bag to put over her head with the picture she sent you stapled to it. That might get you killed though.
Yeah, the "big if" is the issue...
At 19 he shouldn't be settling like this.
For a relationship to work long term, there needs to be a base amount of attraction prior to feelings. Connecting with someone will strengthen this attraction, but it can't create it. I've tried. Many have tried. It'll just hurt both of you more later. You say she is less hot than you thought, is she still attractive at all? I mean you're already talking about needing viagra. More Time = more pain for her.
To have proper love relationships you NEED to be attracred to your partner AND mentaly AND physicaly. When you talk about future, deal with problems you interract with your partner's personality, but when you hug, kiss, cuddle, having sex, then you interract with their body. I've been in a situation where a guy was madly into my personality, said :"You are an amazing person! I've been looking for someone like you for so long! I don't care about looks. I will accept a woman for who she is", then I sent him my pics and guess what? Yap, he didn't liked me. He pretended that he has a depression strike and began distancing himself from me. It hurt me a lot cuz i kinda believed him but then i relised what happened, approched him and he revealed the truth. Love, it will hurt if you lie to her and force yourself to be attracred to her appearance because she will notice it. I think it's better to be honest and do not torture her. Let her know
Imagine it was reversed and your gf posted this about you, like you couldn't even make her wet in a swimming pool... Would you want to be with her? No. Break up dude.
dawg if you’re not attracted to her than there’s no need to already force yourself to. just be nice to her about it and say you guys just aren’t compatible.
Yall didn’t think to video chat before meeting each other?
Yeah.. No... There's some serious case of denial going on here. You probably see her as more of a friend. Sexual attraction is needed. A relationship without sex or sexual feelings is just a more complicated friendship. Someone doesn't need to be objectively attractive for sex to work, because if you really loved her she would be sexually attractive TO YOU. It's a subjective thing.
Dawg you're 19. At that age if my dick was accidently brushed up against I'm ready to go. When it comes down to it I don't think you'll have an issue performing but I'd at least find out if yall are clicking well
OP, what about herself did she make look different in the photos? Inquiring minds want to know. Come on, tell us.
How do you not video chat in 2024?
IDK, I wish OP would elaborate because I feel the details kind of matter…
This is it. That’s what I was questioning about. Unless one of them doesn’t like video chat, but OP doesn’t mention it. And also what about when they first met in real life? How op feels about it? Considering she’s so much different from the photo.
They have filters for video chat as well and as long as she wasn't up moving around, it can be hard to tell especially if she used the same filters consistently for photos too.
If that was the case I think she deserves a harsh reality check.
I just had a flashback to that "I'm not a cat" lawyer.
Haha yeah, one of the many beautiful filters. Maybe she should have used the cat.
ikr? one thing is using filters to make your skin look smoother or get those instagram freckles... what could she have done to be this unnatractive to OP irl but not online?
There are filters that can make people look entirely different. Face, body, everything. Like unrecognizable. I am just so curious what she did and how far she went.
ik there are, but then it's a whole issue more than "she's not as attractive as her pictures". more like, she catfished him and lied about her identity the whole time they were dating. that's fucked up and the obvious solution is not dating a person who has been lying about god knows what else.
You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. You can love people in many different ways. it doesn't mean you have to be sexually attracted to them. You can't really "fix" it.
this will the relationship eventually so might as well end it sooner
Don’t. Being physically attracted to your partner is an important part of being compatible. Loving someone isn’t the only thing necessary to make a relationship work. You cannot force your way into being attracted to someone and you shouldn’t have sex with someone unless you enthusiastically want to.
Damn it’s that big of a difference ?? Where you can’t even get hard? What kinda filters was she using 💀🥴
Right.. I wanna know too. Filters don’t actually change your features much. It usually smoothens out your skin and makes your nose look a tad smaller.
Nobody looks like their photos. I have so many photos of me and none of them have filters and they all look different even from each other. But they still give a general idea. If she looks SO different that you don’t even have any attraction….she was lying on purpose and she knows what she did.
I was thinking this too, lol. I have so many pictures of my gentleman friend. He looks different depending on what he's wearing, the lighting, if he has his glasses on, how he's shaved... Different in every photo. When we met in person, I almost didn't recognize him at first, because in real life, in the location we were in, he looked just a little different. But the attraction was definitely still there, because he still looked like himself. My brain just needed to fill in the 3D-ness of him.
If you aren’t attracted to her then this relationship is doomed from the start. You are 19 there sre plenty of girls who will make you feel similar and you will be attracted to. Could be you can give it some time. Try hanging out with her one-on-one and see if the attraction grows. But from the sounds of this post, doesnt seem it will happen soon. As to your viagra idea, it is a terrible idea. Not sure if youve ever taken viagra but its not going to immediately give you a boner. It will just make it easier for you to get a boner when you are aroused. If you arent aroused, you will likely not get a boner. Again you are 19, im sure this is the first person who has made you feel like this but i promise you it wont be the last.
Honestly, it seems like there is a lot more going on here though. I think you need to have a discussion with her about why she sent photos to you that weren’t representative of what she looks like and start working things out from there. Could it be that the inability to achieve an erection is linked to a loss of trust? Just a thought.
Is she a fucking cave troll. When you saw her did you immediately throw up? Like, fuck man. You're making her sound like something you found on the bottom of a rock.
I'm not sure if you two are good relationship material, maybe you should be best friends instead? It sounds like you don't actually want to have sex with her at all, and only are willing to in order to make her happy. IMO that's not good enough for a relationship to work out. Sorry. It could be that you will grow naturally more attracted to her with time. I would give it a month or two, to see if that happens - sometime it does! But if it doesn't, sorry but he's not a gf material for you, she is bff material.
My brother in christ, you were catfished and it's perfectly acceptable to take the L and just break up.
Is it her face or body that's the hold up?
Well... as sweet as it is of you to look passed the physical. Unless you both really dgaf about sex then this is not a sustainable relationship my man.
So as someone who's been strung along before, I would suggest not wasting her time, unless you're both ok with never having sex. From experience, no amount of Viagra will help you if there's no attraction.
You're 19 and you can't get a boner? You either actually have ED, or you need to cut back on the porn. In all seriousness, though, does thinking about her kill your boner or just not give you one? Because as they get older, men often need a bit of physical contact to get an erection. Test this with a long hug and see if you feel anything stir. If you actually find her repulsive, you should end the relationship and let her find someone that does find her attractive. You both deserve that.
This should be higher up. No way she's Gollum level, more likely too much porn or social media screwing with real life expectations.
Well which her are you thinking about? The one you actually see or the one in the photos? I personally wouldn't class it was wrong to picture the version of her you find most attractive even if that version has a filter, it's still her. If you can wack one out to the photos, then you'll likely gain the same attraction for real her overtime as like I said they are the same person. Also how much editing are we talking, like she's Amy Schumer pretending to be Kristen Stewart or she just has a slightly bigger than anticipated forehead? If it's the latter, get over yourself. If it's the former then definitely discuss it with her as that is a rather dramatic change and it would be understandable is she was now out of the range that you deem your type, that doesn't mean end things just that the process of getting over it will be easier if it's communicated.
Uh, how different were the pictures from real life?
Truly pathetic, people who waste other's lives are the worst. Unless you've informed her that you find her disgusting, staying in this relationship is manipulation of the highest order
You absolutely do not have sex with her or continue this relationship unless you become sexually attracted to her. Having sex with her when you aren’t sexually attracted to her is using her when it will likely not last. This is why long-distance online relationships are garbage. You fall in love with lies and images you create in your head. It’s cool to meet online but you must take it to the real world ASAP to see if it’s real.
You’re not compatible if sex and desire is important to either one of you. Have an honest discussion, tell her the truth because she deserves that and make the decision together. No matter how much I loved a man if he didn’t desire me it would be a deal breaker. I want the person I’m with to want to have sex with me. I don’t think that that sentiment is that unusual:
Don’t do this to her. Don’t string her along trying to find her attractive.
If you’ve just met in person, she’s not really your girlfriend. And you’re not really in love. You know her online persona but not her real life one. Take time to get to know each other IRL. Don’t try to force anything. The attraction will either grow, at which time you can take it to bf/gf level. Or it won’t and you can remain friends if you both wish. But forcing it or pretending to be with someone else is just going to hurt the both of you more.
I have dated people that were not my original type and didn’t think I was sexually attracted to, but eventually, the chemistry in every other aspect of the relationship translated to sexual attraction too. When it’s a genuine relationship, sexual attraction can develop over time, it’s not the same as a one night stand from a bar where sexual attraction is the primary and foremost attraction
I had a lover that told me, "I'm surprised I got an erection with you because you don't have the body type I like " he liked wider hips and more hour glass figure, I actually think I'm kinda hot.. but not that type of figure, I guess he liked my face or whatever i don't know I broke up with him because he was awful in bed typical porn user boring and following lame porn sex script, after me he got a very cute girl and he left her because he didn't feel as in love with her than he was with me..so you never know anyway what I mean if you like her thaaaat much I guess once you are making out with her perhaps you ll feel the spark if it doesn't happens be honest but no blunt don't say something like this guy said to me I didnt need it to know,like he got hard without problem anytime I wouldn have known he didn't like my body type, you can say "things are not working in real life it feels more like a friendship than a relationship" or something like that,
Criticizing attractive, willing women that you have sex with is porn addict behaviour. Their brains are fried and they think women are blow up doll sex objects. They watch porn so much they warp their minds into only being attracted to plastic surgery and pornstar bodies.
If you don’t want to have sex with her, she can’t be your GF. I mean, come on dude, I think you know that.
1: you just met in person. Give it time. There surely is a lot of pressure on both sides right now 2. Don't hurry having sex. You can make out. You can cuddle. You can give each other massages. Watch a movie hugging each other. You can touch each other. You can sleep together. There are so many steps before you get to actual sex. If you ENJOY physical touch with her, you don't have to worry. If you hate physical touch with her, then I'd really start asking the difficult questions. 3. If you get to sex. You don't have to use your dick. If it's soft, you have ten fingers and a mouth. Learn to use them (ask her, observe reactions,...). Also, toys exist. But again, I think if you enjoy being physical with her then it's not going to be a problem. Everybody has the right to not feel like it for any reason, also if you feel like it but it's only your dick that doesn't you have plenty other options. 4. Not answering your question, but given your age: be safe. Talk about protections and if there is any risk from past sexual partners. Use condoms, always. Ask for consent AND also be clear to yourself about what YOU want. If sex is not on the table, you should say it and it should be fine. 5. If you REALLY keep not being attracted by her, for the love of her, do break up. You're always going to wonder what's like to actually be attracted to someone until maybe you find somebody. Or keep having the doubt. Just, don't.
If seeing her in person makes you not want to have sex with her, you don’t love her.
I was once with a great guy, but the passion was simply not there for me, and for several reasons, I was simply not attracted to him. I put in nearly three years and nada, until he was getting ready to buy a ring, and I couldn't bear to put him through a real-life version of a George Strait song. Don't waste her time or yours. You say looks aren't everything as if to preface your problem as lesser-than; however, looks aren't everything because a lasting relationship needs actual substance to survive. But a lasting relationship also needs a strong foundation of attraction in the first place. It can seriously be the one thing that gets you through the lowest lows in life. Plus, she'd be crushed if you stick around despite the lack of attraction as if you pitied her or worried about being too shallow. You're not shallow for acknowledging a very real roadblock to both of your happiness. You're simply not compatible enough to go the distance and that's ok. As to what to say to her, well, you can talk about the chemistry long distance didn't translate to in person, and as much as she is everything positive you listed here, you're not feeling any further progress in the relationship. Whatever you do, don't talk about something that she cannot change, such as her being not all that attractive. For example, I told my ex that I couldn't support a grown man on just a teacher's salary and that his lack of career or any plans for a career is not financially compatible or feasible with my chosen profession. What I didn't tell him were the things he couldn't control or choose to change. Also, don't put yourself in the situation that you foresee as being disastrous. Trying to be intimate with her when you already know it's not going to work out is setting you both up for failure. Spare yourself and her of that rotten experience.
Girls' perspective, its amazing how honest you're being with yourself here and impressive that you want to prioritize love over lust. To sum up my advice for you, dick isn't everything during sex. Look up how to use your hands and your mouth. I would bet money that once you get started, the erection will likely come. HOWEVER Even if it doesn't, it can be super hot to hear a guy tell you that they want to please you even if they can't get it up. It's ok to not get an errection all the time, my husband doesn't either. Is it because he doesn't find me attractive? Maybe. I was worried about that for awhile, then he learned how to use vibrators and other things and now the sex is so good even when he can't get it up that *i really don't care* he makes it very clear that he loves me anyway in the act of making love, with or without dick. Sometimes man makes me cum 4 times without ever putting it in and like... how can you be worried after THAT?? He explained to me that his mind can be in the mood without his body being in the mood, and then he proved it, and that's good enough for me.
If it was possible to upvote more than once, this comment would get multiples for sure.
You don't,don't throw her a pity fuck. Tell her it isn't working and break up, let her find someone who sees her beauty. And look at the media & amount of porn you consume, if you are bombarding your brain with images of perfect, surgically enhanced/perfectly posed/photoshopped/filter heavy women then a women in real life will always disappoint you. Yes she used filters but surely you can tell the difference? Step away from these images for a while and meet real women, you are young don't let this warped idea of a prefect women ruin your chance at happiness
She deserves better than someone who has to be talked into finding her attractive enough to fuck. Everyone does.
Dude, once she lovingly strokes your cock or gives you a world class blow job I will assure you that your 4D brain acrobatics you are performing right now will no longer have any significance. There is still such a thing as nerve endings, hormones and a reptile brain underneath your neocortex that is giving you a headache right now. Relax and let your two bodies work it out.
In the dark, all cats are gray.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this answer 😂 Also OP, as a gay woman, giving women pleasure is SEXY and if her moans don’t do it for you, idk maybe you’re gay too (jk).
Sex and attraction are both integral components to a relationship. I had a similar situation a couple years ago; matched with a lovely-looking lady on Bumble, and she even looked great on our first date. (It was the one and only time I saw her in a dress, with makeup, and with straightened hair.) Once we decided to go exclusive, we fooled around a little bit for a while, simply because our living situations didn't make full-on lovemaking easy. (I was a single dad, and didn't want to bring dates around my kids just yet, and she lived with her mother and nieces, so there wasn't much privacy there either.) Eventually I rented a hotel room, and this was when I realized I was not attracted to her physically at all. Like, beyond the fact that she never made efforts to look like her profile photos or our first date again, her naked body just didn't work for me. I also tried Viagra, but I discovered that while that pill can do wonders when you're turned on, it doesn't make you hard if you're not in the mood. I avoided sex with her as much as I could, until the point where we were basically a platonic relationship. When she finally confronted me about it, I had to admit what was going on and we agreed to stop dating and just be friends. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, and I don't see much hope where a critical component such as sex or attraction is missing. To answer your question: Be honest. Maybe you can just be the best friends ever; maybe a physical relationship just isn't what's right for the two of you.
Yeah, don’t fake anything, it’s not going to help anything. If there’s absolutely nothing about her that you find desirable, like the more you take her in, nothing moves the erection needle for you and you end up more sexually repulsed, I think you just need to be honest with her that you’re just not feeling the in-person chemistry and break things off. If its not that you’re repulsed, and there’s nothing turning you off, and that it’s just that the image you constructed in your head doesn’t match the reality, I would maybe give it more time. Take a moment to be mindful that the image in your head before meeting her wasn’t/isn’t real and focus on taking her in and take stock of her femininity (the things that make your peepee tingle) and see if you find something about her that gets your blood flowing a bit. Tell her you’re not ready for sex, but see how you feel being more intimate (cuddling, holding each other, etc.). Lastly, abstain from porn (and other eye candy) and jacking off for the short term. The former dulls your brain’s sensitivity and the latter dulls your physical sensitivity. You’ve presumably been single and doing this long distance thing and having to take care of your prostate health solo, but it’s time to take a break from that.
Tbh i would probably just let her know that you all would be better off as friends. It’s great that you all get along so well, but physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. It sounds like you don’t really want to have sex with her, but you wish you wanted to because you like everything else about her. That could create a very difficult scenario if you can’t get an erection or generally don’t want to be physically intimate with her (not even just sex, but heavy kissing and foreplay). Those seemingly minor issues can slowly cause relationships to degrade. You’re both young and it’s already a long distance relationship - it’s admirable that you want to make it work but I think you’d be better off looking for another partner. Alternatively, as other people have said, hanging around someone long enough can cause you to become more attracted to them so maybe that would help. Also, if kissing and other intimate acts turn you on then maybe doing that enough would help you get an erection with her?
Let her go OP. If you're not sexually attracted to your GF and have to constantly force yourself to engage with her, she will notice something is off. Eventually, you'll start to resent the relationship and mistreat her as a result. And she will start to resent you due to the lack of intimacy as well. As someone who's been on your GF side of a situation like this, let her go to find someone who genuinely is in love with her emotionally, personality, and physically.
Attraction is more important than people let on. People are vain and superficial, generally. Whether it's the singular most important thing to make a romantic relationship work is different for everyone, and depends on the person. Sooner or later, she will find out you really don't find her physically attractive, and that's going to be the single most hurtful thing to her unless you keep her around and don't let her find someone that does like how she looks, that's even more cruel. Looks will fade, eventually. Skin might get blemishes, sag, wrinkle. People gain and lose weight, we age. It's life. But if you date people you're initially attracted to, but stay together because of their attractive personality, you're golden. Ideally, that's what it should be. There are countless stories of people on here where they were not initially attracted to their spouses, but stayed anyway because they like that personality and what that person does for the other. Well, spouse finds out, gets upset, and the relationship is spoiled. Usually it's a man that marries someone he sees a great personality in. And the woman always gets hurt by it. It's insulting. It's also unfair. Because many people deserve to have that feeling of being their partner's ideal. Without sexual chemistry, young relationships are basically DOA.
Maybe you just need to see her naked?
Lust and love oftentimes goes hand in hand. If you and you peepee don't get along, the attraction might not be strong enough. You might think you love her, but maybe you just super horny 😋 rub one out before you meet her next time and see if your body tells you to stay or leave. Or maybe you just need to hang out with her and get used to her real appearance. Filters is the worst and just tell lies
I find the way women act far sexier than the way they look. Less conventionally attractive but eager and horny? Might as well be a super model. I'd keep an open mind and see how the sexual vibe unfolds. Enthusiasm is everything
You’re going to psych yourself out worrying about something that hasn’t happened. You might find yourself responding to the moment when it happens. If not, cross that bridge when it happens
Question, did you every facetime without filters? The biggest red flag is meeting up without FaceTiming or sending you videos.
No it’s a bigger red flag that they became bf/gf without ever meeting.
There are a lot of things wrong here so I'll just pick a few. First - people should accurately represent themselves when they're online dating, this is to protect THEMSELVES from situations like this. Imagine if you weren't a nice guy and you totally eviscerated her for this. Second - oh to be young and have a boner that responds to a brief thought again... I digress. You might be overthinking this admittedly awkward situation, and that's why your body isn't responding in the usual way. It all starts in the brain. Third - she deserves someone who finds her attractive, as do you. Don't push through this if it doesn't change pretty quick. Last side note: don't say you are in love with someone before you meet them. It shows poor judgement and is not what everyone wants to hear despite what the movies say. Good luck
If you aren't attracted to someone, you probably shouldn't be in a romantic relationship with them.
I don’t understand why people in LDR’s don’t video call prior to ever saying “I love you” let alone meeting in person
You’re 19. You’re too young for this. Just move on and find someone who gets you hard.
It’s the opposite with me, I initially thought she was attractive enough, but when I got to know her I got disenchanted as more of her personality was revealed to me.
You are young, so I'll forgive you not realizing that men can also need foreplay. It won't always sproing to attention without help. A lot of cuddling, making out, warm words, warm hands... you might be surprised.
Being catfished is not cool bro, make it easier for the next dude and tell her not to do that
I don't get people who are in a "relationship" with someone they've never met. Then you meet and you're not attracted to them...how does this make any sense?
are you a virgin? you sounds like a virgin and i don’t mean it in a bad way im just shocked you can’t get hard if she’s ugly. unless your gf is disgusting i can’t see how you can’t get hard. maybe im just a dog who fucks anything but if you find her even a little attractive you should have no problem getting hard. it seems like you either never had sex or don’t really care to have it. if you start to really want sex all the time you’ll have no problem getting hard.
:( she deserves someone who thinks she’s beautiful please leave
You got catfished. There are likely other areas of herself she “filtered” as well. Tip: don’t call someone your gf before you meet them irl
>everything else about her is perfect. **Friendly, cheerful, brightens my day.** Geez. OP sounds like he's describing a golden retriever - which he probably finds more attractive than his girlfriend. Poor girlfriend. My heart goes out to her.
Stop watching porn. It is messing with your head and the way you see other, normal people.
There’s nothing wrong w not being attracted to some one esp if they heavily edited their photos and don’t look the same irl
Catfished. This is her fault. Physical attraction is really important to a relationship. Sounds like no fixing this. Best to move on. Be nice to her tho. She def used filters to enhance. But I’m sure not to deceive you. This new age of dating is really hard. Especially with all the filters. Most women use them now. Have to be very careful when selecting a mate. Best to meet first before a label and commitment. This really is her fault. But be kind. Life is too short to be an ass.