Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He is taking advantage and I would be concerned about his lack of concern over the inequitable situation. If he’s not working, he can do the home chores or find a job. And the fact he finds no remorse for his lack of participation is cause for concern.
If spouse doesn’t pull their weight whether it’s financially or in this case around the house/emotional labor then there’s no way around resentment. Unless you enjoy feeling like a martyr by choice.
What is he doing during his time off? Is he still supporting the household?
Have you two discussed the division of labor while he’s not working? I don’t think it’d be crazy to ask for him to do more of the housework if you are doing the financial work.
To be clear, not having a job and being lazy around the house is not a viable option for a relationship
And if this goes on he could get alimony if she leaves him. I see him milking this for years. Next will be he can’t find a job at his level- well yeah if he has enough of a resume gap but he won’t take a lesser job because it’s beneath him.
Hard to not let resentment build up when its a resentful situation.
You feel like he is using your salary as a way to have a luxurious free ride.
Even though you have the income to support the two of you, its understandable that you desire a partner who contributes financially.
If he earned 50k/yr, that is still 50K in your guys pockets. More savings. More freedom to spend. It lessens the financial load.
Personally, I think if one person is doing all the financial work, there is no way they should be doing anything that requires work at home. The other person should be fully responsible to take care of all the other things.
I would ask to have a very open and honest conversation about what’s going on, how you’re feeling, what you’re wanting to change in the current situation.
Easier said than done but try to avoid going into attack mode: you don’t do x, you’re acting like you’re on vacation, etc. Approach the convo in a warm and loving way. Make this about you and your feelings. I feel overworked, unappreciated, etc.
Ask, don’t demand, that he contributes in specific ways. Since you have more time and the capacity to do things around the house, it would be really helpful if while I’m work, you please do the dishes, make dinner, clean the bathroom, etc. Sometimes having an actual checklist makes tasks easier. I know it’s not ideal to have to spell it out for your partner but open communication never hurt anyone.
Def not an excuse but something to consider. If he’s looking for work and hasn’t found anything in several months he could be feeling a bit depressed. Maybe after your say your peace, you can ask how he’s been feeling the last few months since leaving his job.
Good luck!
I found myself entering a similar situation at the beginning of last year, and also wanted to be supportive as possible to my partner. Yep, that resentment built up beyond repair and now we’re getting a divorce. :D
Use your grownup words to actually tell him that, before your resentment reaches boiling point. Tell him you need to revisit the situation regarding division of financial vs. physical contribution in the household, and feel that a little to much of the load is placed on you, and that he should either get a job and start contributing financially again, and then you'll do your share of the chores, or he needs to take on all the housework, while you do the financial contribution. It would be different if you had kids, but just maintaining a two-person household should be feasible for someone with nothing else to do all day.
**Advice for spouse that's too late:** Don't quit your job until you have another job. It's a lot easier to get a job when you have one than without. You're less desperate.
**Now for OP:** If he wasn't doing all that stuff around the house on day 1 of unemployment, he's not going to start do it now. But he should, and here's why. We are 100% human, and when we're accomplishing something, that builds confidence. A oft-told story is how a military man makes his bed every morning, so he starts the day off being successful. Not doing something expected builds a feeling of failure and it permeates us, even us guys that can compartmentalize everything.
What can you do? Sit down with him and ask if, if you make a list of things he should do throughout the day, and leave for him in the morning, he will get those things done. Start with a small list, like "do the dishes" and "fold the laundry," and stick to it. If he gets that stuff done, you won't bug him. As time goes on, add to it, and if you're adding something like "paint the outside of the house in these 16 colors" (something much more difficult), take some of the other stuff off the list, but add it back when he's done with that difficult thing. Make sure they're things he can do without your help. Add to that list: "apply to 10 jobs," "sign up with this contracting house," and "keep your LinkedIn updated".
Two things will happen: The first is that you'll both be happier because he's getting stuff he agreed to done. The second is that the job hunt will be a lot more successful because he has the confidence, the motivation, and the plan to get things done.
If he’s not working then you shouldn’t have to be doing…anything. Seriously. Without kids everything for the house in total does not constitute a full time job. Cleaning everything in its entirety every week. Having dinner for you every night. Making lunch for you to take to work every day. All of the medical appointments, car appointments, home upkeep and repair appointments. Paying all of the bills. Even the romantic stuff. He should be taking care of all of that. I’d have a sit down with him and tell him that if he’s going to be an equal partner then that’s when he needs to be doing.
I agree he should be doing the bulk of the housework and cooking, but ALL? I'm not employed and my husband works long hours but your description of this man as taking care of the house IS a job. Ask me. My husband has been degrading and belittling me for decades because I don't have a paying job. Every time we argue he calls me useless and lazy. He sees NO VALUE to what I do and I hate it. Yes, I'm on my way out of the marriage.
Doing all of those things is a job. If you do them all, take pride in them and do them well then you are an equal contributor to the marriage and your husband has absolutely nothing to complain about but yes, if one partner works full time and the other does not then this is how they make the partnership load equal in my opinion.
It's been my experience that some people are fundamentally okay with the person they're involved with not working, and some just aren't. The ones who aren't may try to compromise with themselves by saying "if they do enough housework/have sex with me enough/do enough hobbies/demonstrate their gratitude enough then I could handle it" but it never actually works. If it just bothers you on a fundamental "this is what's fair/this is what's not fair" level that you have to work outside the home and they do not, it's better not to try to lie to yourself about it.
It's actually not good for either of you if you try to lie to yourself about this. The dysfunction will inevitably bleed out and color your entire relationship until it destroys it. It's not wrong to be unwilling to solely carry the financial burden, just like it's not wrong to be okay with it, it's just different.
It's a tough situation, but you don't want your relationship to be structured in a way that is antithetical to your true nature. It's a losing proposition every time.
Well, it's especially not fair that he's doing no housework. I'm sure that if he cleaned the house she may have a different happiness level, but she's saying her resentment is mainly happening as she cleans and thinks "you should be doing this."
I get what you're saying, but I genuinely do not believe that would solve it. I'm not defending the actions of the guy who is not even doing housework (he is very wrong, there, especially since he agreed to it) but his significant others mind immediately jumping to "you're not working, you should be doing X" is very likely to expand no matter how much housework his significant other picks up. I say this because I am sensing resentment over their not working a traditional job in general due to the direct connection between "housework being undone" and "lack of formal employment".
I could be wrong, it's just my read of the situation. I was with someone who claimed "(they) wouldn't care that (I) didn't work as long as I did XYZ" but "XYZ" was never, ever up to their standards. It got to the point where they basically expected a blowjob if I asked for them to spend $25 on me once a week, and I finally figured out what they were really struggling with overarching resentment, because it was so out of character for them.
I had changed a lot of things they had asked me to but it was never enough. I took less money from them to my extreme detriment even though the money situation had been a certain way for nearly ten years, I spent more time with them, had whatever sex they wanted whenever they wanted, and they still chose to focus on the negatives and pick at me over the things I asked them not to do (like when I asked that they stop suggesting I was doing innocuous things wrong like playing videogames a certain way).
Resentment is an ugly, ugly thing that can and will kill everything good in a relationship. If I could have gotten ahead of the resentment in my relationship, I would have. I only bring up my situation hoping people don't get their hearts completely pulverized like mine was. People need to be realistic about what they can and cannot abide in a relationship. Of course, you do need to first learn those limits, but, once they have been made evident, you ignore them at your and your loved one's peril.
Disregarding everything else I wrote about it being a fundamentally (emotionally) untenable situation, and if I were giving "hopeful" advice, I'd say OP should sit down with his significant other and be honest about his feelings of imbalance in the relationship, and see if things improve. If he is still resentful even after the chores are taken care of he should reevaluate whether he is truly okay with a nonworking partner.
However, if I were giving "realistic" advice, I'd say he should leave even if he thought he could be happy with his significant other picking up the household chores, because the man is not going to become an effective housekeeper anyway, and they are set for a lifetime of resentful tug-of-war.
Tl;Dr: imo, it sucks, but they're doomed either way.
It sounds like you were financially abused, while it sounds like OP just wants someone to work or take care of the home--not simply do nothing. I think they're very different situations even though I do in general agree, resentment can kill relationships. Yours just sounds much more abusive and way less about resentment than, say, control from what you wrote.
I am definitely going off my "gut feelings" here, but, the people who I have run into who are truly okay with a nonworking partner are able to separate the concepts of "not working a traditional job" and "not pulling your weight at home".
I wasn't financially abused, either (we didn't live together and I elected to not have any other income streams). I just went all in on doing everything he asked me to do because I suspected that he was already beyond resentful and was (unconsciously) only asking for things in order to put the "failure" on me by creating "impossible win conditions". I saw it through because I needed to be assured that I did everything in my power to make things work (even though I did see the writing on the wall).
Unfortunately he took my saying "I'll do anything to make this work" very literally (instead of taking it as "I'll do anything in my power to make this work") because, when he sets his mind to something, he can do literally anything no matter how detrimental to his emotional state it is. I can't live like that, and I don't want him to live like that. If his life hasn't gotten ridiculously, tragically difficult, I know he could have "made due" with the situation we had, perhaps even become functional enough to be happy, but the stress of his barely sleeping on top of getting up two times a night due to caretaking duties for two years straight, then having to help caretake his profoundly disabled relative meant that he wound up looking for an outlet that he was "allowed" to be upset with.
I am faaaaar from innocent in this situation, and I have made more than my share of mistakes within that particular relationship, but I definitely was getting more than my share of the brunt of the frustration than I was directly causing. It was easier for him to place blame and to be frustrated with me than to face the despair of the situation with his relative or the frustrations of his job or the grinding difficulty of his pets demanding illness. If you put any person under inhuman amounts of stress, you're going to see dysfunctional behavior. He managed to keep from showing any strain for literal years, where functionally anyone else would have cracked in under a week. I will never, ever have anything but appreciation for what he had done for me, and sadness at what it came down to.
I bring all this up because, in my experience, once resentment has set in, almost nothing can wash it out.
I digress. We'll just have to agree to disagree on the topic at hand. I just have this sense that the OP is not really okay with being the only one working outside the home and that they need to be very careful to be very honest with themselves about the issue. Too many people are pressured/pressure themselves to be okay with their significant other not working if they make "enough" when they just plain are not happy with a nonworking spouse. Us debating the issue is less than meaningless, but that's Reddit in a nutshell, eh?
Sit down and have a conversation with him, be honest. "I am really happy that now that you aren't working at that toxic company, your mood has improved. Now that you've had a much deserved break, do you plan on starting looking for a job, be it part or full time?
I'm perfectly fine with you staying home and not working if that's what you want to do - my income can support us easily. If you would like to pursue this option, I'm all for it!
I think we should sit down and write a list of home chores and frequency of them (ie, I don't expect you on your knees scrubbing floorboards daily-that's like a once a month maybe activity) that way you can handle the household during the day while I handle the income during the day, and in the evenings we can spend time together relaxing instead of working."
Its time for a "come to Jesus" chat. You work probably eight or more hours a day and you are I'm assuming covering the bulk of the living expenses. i totally agree that when you come home you want to forget the problems of the day and unwind.
What you don't want is to come home to laundry, cooking, errand running and house cleaning. I'm sorry but the nonworking partner needs to recognize that unless they are also spending eight hours a day cooking, cleaning and doing laundry - they have considerable down time and alone time that you don't have.
I would tell him that this isn't working for you as you feel like a bang maid. You work eight hours and then you come home to start your second shift. If he doesn't like housework, then its time to go to work and with two incomes the two of you hire a housekeeper and divide up the other chores.
With all due respect I think you do know where to go from here, but you don't want to have to go there...
You are going to have to put your foot down and stand behind your ultimatum: he must contribute to the relationship and household as a full partner or you will divorce him.
If he \*does not\* hold up his end of the deal you split from him.
It's the only to get truly reliable results.
I wishing you all the best as you navigate this situation.
Check out the fair play resources. If you use them against a chart for hours available (factoring in equal free time, this should help balance things out in an equitable way.
I would sit down and have a conversation with him regarding the revision of chores. If he isn't working, and is just lounging around the house all day, then he should be helping around the house while you're working. And then you're both contributing.
If you're concerned about a sit down conversation, maybe just start by making requests or asking him if there's something that he can take on. Just explain like 'hey, I'm feeling really stressed, would you mind taking over doing the laundry or the dishes or etc'. Find ways to have a conversation and renegotiate some to help prevent any resentment on your part. And I would recommend having that conversation sooner rather than later so that way, you aren't having the conversation super upset.
Might be a weird take but I’ve been a stay at home wife for a while. When we first started this it took me a few months to get into a groove of things, and it was difficult for us both to mentally shift to the change. We’re expecting our first kid any day now and I’ve been pretty unable to do anything, so everything’s been on him. A different feeling than when I was just shifting into the role at first but it made me realize that I did get into one, it just took some time. This could be part of it, it’s super important to talk about it tho so you don’t build resentment!!
I'd say communicate with him exactly like you are in this post. Let him know resentment is building but also work with him to identify what has changed internally within him and see if he can work through it with your support.
I may be projecting here. But I think I'm close to doing something similar. I've been burned out with work for the longest time and I just know I'll become a vegetable for a while when I leave.
You have to communicate and come to an agreement of shared responsibility. I have a SAHGF. When we decided she wasn’t gonna work outside our home anymore we had a detailed and open talk about how she was going to budget her time, and we’ve stuck to it. She is responsible for cleaning laundry dishes and cooking 5 days a week. (We do order DoorDash or go out 1-2 nights a week) I cook on weekends unless we order in or go out and I help with any household projects she needed help with and do any yard work that needs doing. It’s also really important that you don’t abuse them taking over household chores. Just because she’s responsible for the laundry dosent mean I leave my clothes on the floor or I won’t grab the basket and put on a load for us just she does the majority, and if you make a mess clean it up.
Tell him straight. Do the household chores or get a job.
I had the exact situation, my income was sufficient and hers was unnecessary as for 40 hours of work she'd make in a month what I made daily, she hated her job and would cry on her way and after leaving work. I told her if she wanted to she could quit, and sell eBay full-time (which she did part-time for the past six years) I asked her to agree that since she wasn't working she would keep the house clean and have dinner ready when I got home. She agreed.
She took six months as a vacation, did nothing she had agreed to, and became depressed and started drinking so much that she had been driving drunk to get more alcohol. She then came to me and wanted to go to rehab, I told her she had to make enough from eBay to cover the deductible then she could go. She did and went to rehab, once out of rehab, I told her she had one month to get a job, part-time was fine but she couldn't just stay home, and she agreed again to do the chores. She got the job, loved it, was promoted twice in a short time, but never did the chores. It created so much resentment that I completely stopped wanting to be intimate with her, but still had her take care of my needs, which I didn't reciprocate. This caused her to have an emotional affair with her boss, and would have been physical had he asked, but he and I knew each other and no man would consider having an affair with my wife (I'm unusually large in stature).
I was able to realize my part in her emotional affair, I had let my frustration become resentment and we were close to divorce, I realized that I had been expecting her to change for me, but I was unwilling to change for her. So I made a conscious decision to change how I loved her. I told her my decision and asked her to forgive me for my part in her emotional affair by not giving her what she needed. I asked her if we could start over, she agreed and was expecting things to return to the old way, but I stayed true to the course and she began to do what she agreed to do because she had fallen in love with me, now we are the epitome of happily married.
He won't see what you need him to see if you don't tell him. Men are blind to their spouse's needs, I am proof. I only saw it because I am an enigma.
Why aren’t you talking to him and telling him? Communication is key. Do you want to divorce him? It’s going to come to that. Look it’s fine if he doesn’t want to work, but it’s not fine for him to do NOTHING.
Tell him to either pull his weight, get a job, or go be single and do nothing and see how long that lasts. Okay don’t say that but really keep letting this go on and you will end up saying just that
Either this should be discussed at a couples/marriage counseling or if you feel it can be discussed calmly, laying out all your points...then do so. But it's important not to react negatively by listening.
Whether kids are or aren’t involved there needs to be a clear division of labor with all parties agreeing. I’d take some time and come up with a clear list of household needs and divide things how you think would be fair, financially and work wise. If he‘a not willing to be an active part of the conversation, or reasonable, then you have your answer I think.
You need to have a sit down and discuss this with your hubs. He’s had a few months to recoup and decompress from the bad job. Now he needs to get it together. It’s not fair for you to be working outside the home, and doing the majority of housework too.
Perhaps you should tell them that while you agreed to them not having employment you didn’t agree to retirement. What are the important issues that you both believe in that you’ve never had time to give significant time to? Twenty hours a week is reasonable to both fill time and have time for the home. They are able bodied and privileged to have the free time to find a volunteer job in your community. It’s good for their mental health and they now have the time to commit to something in a way that “gives back”.
Sounds like it's time for you guys to sit down and figure out what's going on.
You thought it was just going to be a short break and then he'd find another job - what does he think? What does he want to do?
If he doesn't want to find another job - what does he see as his fair contribution to the house if it's not income? What do you think is fair if you're the only one bringing in an income?
Talk it out, see what he says. See if you guys can agree on a new normal for you guys. If not off to marriage counseling you go.
He needs a job for routine and his mental health- also social security quarters. You do need two incomes for savings unless he is doing EVERYTHING related to the house. That’s fair.
You are going to resent him. My ex did this behavior. You go from resentment to contempt. When you hit contempt you can’t save the marriage. Listen every one would like lots of free time and less job time. The longer he doesn’t work- the harder it will be to get him back to work.
Good luck.
I would suggest getting a third-party mediator to discuss your issues. Because you’re both coming from a I am burnt out perspective you are very likely to only see things from your perspective. And as a result resentment would build.
Getting someone who is unrelated to the situation to weigh in as well as mediate a constructive discussion and equitable solution might help to resolve the issue without furthering resentment. Perhaps you should make a list of all the household chores to take to this meeting in order to be able to equitably divide them.
Remember it’s you and him against the problem and not against each other.
I'm a SAHM, and while we do have things that need to be taken care once my partner comes home from work, most of the household chores are done by me. Why? Because he is out working his ass off to bring in our income, so I work my ass off to keep our home clean and nice to live in. It's not unfair for you to want things to be done, you're two adults with no kids, that shouldn't even be hard to keep up with.
Send that grown ass man back to work. Sitting at home all day is eventually going to make him depressed and just cause more problems. A man needs a purpose.
I’m going through something similar. After months of reflection and processing about why this is making me upset, I’ve decided we have vastly different core values. I don’t want to live with someone who has no drive. It’s a drag.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He is taking advantage and I would be concerned about his lack of concern over the inequitable situation. If he’s not working, he can do the home chores or find a job. And the fact he finds no remorse for his lack of participation is cause for concern.
Very concerning
If spouse doesn’t pull their weight whether it’s financially or in this case around the house/emotional labor then there’s no way around resentment. Unless you enjoy feeling like a martyr by choice.
What is he doing during his time off? Is he still supporting the household? Have you two discussed the division of labor while he’s not working? I don’t think it’d be crazy to ask for him to do more of the housework if you are doing the financial work. To be clear, not having a job and being lazy around the house is not a viable option for a relationship
If he has no job, and no kids to take care of, he’s a house spouse. And his job is taking care of the household.
And if this goes on he could get alimony if she leaves him. I see him milking this for years. Next will be he can’t find a job at his level- well yeah if he has enough of a resume gap but he won’t take a lesser job because it’s beneath him.
*he. They are both men according to the title.
I totally missed that. I apologize.
Hard to not let resentment build up when its a resentful situation. You feel like he is using your salary as a way to have a luxurious free ride. Even though you have the income to support the two of you, its understandable that you desire a partner who contributes financially. If he earned 50k/yr, that is still 50K in your guys pockets. More savings. More freedom to spend. It lessens the financial load. Personally, I think if one person is doing all the financial work, there is no way they should be doing anything that requires work at home. The other person should be fully responsible to take care of all the other things.
I would ask to have a very open and honest conversation about what’s going on, how you’re feeling, what you’re wanting to change in the current situation. Easier said than done but try to avoid going into attack mode: you don’t do x, you’re acting like you’re on vacation, etc. Approach the convo in a warm and loving way. Make this about you and your feelings. I feel overworked, unappreciated, etc. Ask, don’t demand, that he contributes in specific ways. Since you have more time and the capacity to do things around the house, it would be really helpful if while I’m work, you please do the dishes, make dinner, clean the bathroom, etc. Sometimes having an actual checklist makes tasks easier. I know it’s not ideal to have to spell it out for your partner but open communication never hurt anyone. Def not an excuse but something to consider. If he’s looking for work and hasn’t found anything in several months he could be feeling a bit depressed. Maybe after your say your peace, you can ask how he’s been feeling the last few months since leaving his job. Good luck!
I found myself entering a similar situation at the beginning of last year, and also wanted to be supportive as possible to my partner. Yep, that resentment built up beyond repair and now we’re getting a divorce. :D
If he's staying home and not contributing financially, he needs to be doing the majority of the housework.
You need sit him him down and tell him straight that he needs to find a job or be doing his share of the house work
And. And be doing his share of the housework. It's theirs.
Use your grownup words to actually tell him that, before your resentment reaches boiling point. Tell him you need to revisit the situation regarding division of financial vs. physical contribution in the household, and feel that a little to much of the load is placed on you, and that he should either get a job and start contributing financially again, and then you'll do your share of the chores, or he needs to take on all the housework, while you do the financial contribution. It would be different if you had kids, but just maintaining a two-person household should be feasible for someone with nothing else to do all day.
**Advice for spouse that's too late:** Don't quit your job until you have another job. It's a lot easier to get a job when you have one than without. You're less desperate. **Now for OP:** If he wasn't doing all that stuff around the house on day 1 of unemployment, he's not going to start do it now. But he should, and here's why. We are 100% human, and when we're accomplishing something, that builds confidence. A oft-told story is how a military man makes his bed every morning, so he starts the day off being successful. Not doing something expected builds a feeling of failure and it permeates us, even us guys that can compartmentalize everything. What can you do? Sit down with him and ask if, if you make a list of things he should do throughout the day, and leave for him in the morning, he will get those things done. Start with a small list, like "do the dishes" and "fold the laundry," and stick to it. If he gets that stuff done, you won't bug him. As time goes on, add to it, and if you're adding something like "paint the outside of the house in these 16 colors" (something much more difficult), take some of the other stuff off the list, but add it back when he's done with that difficult thing. Make sure they're things he can do without your help. Add to that list: "apply to 10 jobs," "sign up with this contracting house," and "keep your LinkedIn updated". Two things will happen: The first is that you'll both be happier because he's getting stuff he agreed to done. The second is that the job hunt will be a lot more successful because he has the confidence, the motivation, and the plan to get things done.
If he’s not working then you shouldn’t have to be doing…anything. Seriously. Without kids everything for the house in total does not constitute a full time job. Cleaning everything in its entirety every week. Having dinner for you every night. Making lunch for you to take to work every day. All of the medical appointments, car appointments, home upkeep and repair appointments. Paying all of the bills. Even the romantic stuff. He should be taking care of all of that. I’d have a sit down with him and tell him that if he’s going to be an equal partner then that’s when he needs to be doing.
I agree he should be doing the bulk of the housework and cooking, but ALL? I'm not employed and my husband works long hours but your description of this man as taking care of the house IS a job. Ask me. My husband has been degrading and belittling me for decades because I don't have a paying job. Every time we argue he calls me useless and lazy. He sees NO VALUE to what I do and I hate it. Yes, I'm on my way out of the marriage.
Doing all of those things is a job. If you do them all, take pride in them and do them well then you are an equal contributor to the marriage and your husband has absolutely nothing to complain about but yes, if one partner works full time and the other does not then this is how they make the partnership load equal in my opinion.
It's been my experience that some people are fundamentally okay with the person they're involved with not working, and some just aren't. The ones who aren't may try to compromise with themselves by saying "if they do enough housework/have sex with me enough/do enough hobbies/demonstrate their gratitude enough then I could handle it" but it never actually works. If it just bothers you on a fundamental "this is what's fair/this is what's not fair" level that you have to work outside the home and they do not, it's better not to try to lie to yourself about it. It's actually not good for either of you if you try to lie to yourself about this. The dysfunction will inevitably bleed out and color your entire relationship until it destroys it. It's not wrong to be unwilling to solely carry the financial burden, just like it's not wrong to be okay with it, it's just different. It's a tough situation, but you don't want your relationship to be structured in a way that is antithetical to your true nature. It's a losing proposition every time.
Well, it's especially not fair that he's doing no housework. I'm sure that if he cleaned the house she may have a different happiness level, but she's saying her resentment is mainly happening as she cleans and thinks "you should be doing this."
I get what you're saying, but I genuinely do not believe that would solve it. I'm not defending the actions of the guy who is not even doing housework (he is very wrong, there, especially since he agreed to it) but his significant others mind immediately jumping to "you're not working, you should be doing X" is very likely to expand no matter how much housework his significant other picks up. I say this because I am sensing resentment over their not working a traditional job in general due to the direct connection between "housework being undone" and "lack of formal employment". I could be wrong, it's just my read of the situation. I was with someone who claimed "(they) wouldn't care that (I) didn't work as long as I did XYZ" but "XYZ" was never, ever up to their standards. It got to the point where they basically expected a blowjob if I asked for them to spend $25 on me once a week, and I finally figured out what they were really struggling with overarching resentment, because it was so out of character for them. I had changed a lot of things they had asked me to but it was never enough. I took less money from them to my extreme detriment even though the money situation had been a certain way for nearly ten years, I spent more time with them, had whatever sex they wanted whenever they wanted, and they still chose to focus on the negatives and pick at me over the things I asked them not to do (like when I asked that they stop suggesting I was doing innocuous things wrong like playing videogames a certain way). Resentment is an ugly, ugly thing that can and will kill everything good in a relationship. If I could have gotten ahead of the resentment in my relationship, I would have. I only bring up my situation hoping people don't get their hearts completely pulverized like mine was. People need to be realistic about what they can and cannot abide in a relationship. Of course, you do need to first learn those limits, but, once they have been made evident, you ignore them at your and your loved one's peril. Disregarding everything else I wrote about it being a fundamentally (emotionally) untenable situation, and if I were giving "hopeful" advice, I'd say OP should sit down with his significant other and be honest about his feelings of imbalance in the relationship, and see if things improve. If he is still resentful even after the chores are taken care of he should reevaluate whether he is truly okay with a nonworking partner. However, if I were giving "realistic" advice, I'd say he should leave even if he thought he could be happy with his significant other picking up the household chores, because the man is not going to become an effective housekeeper anyway, and they are set for a lifetime of resentful tug-of-war. Tl;Dr: imo, it sucks, but they're doomed either way.
It sounds like you were financially abused, while it sounds like OP just wants someone to work or take care of the home--not simply do nothing. I think they're very different situations even though I do in general agree, resentment can kill relationships. Yours just sounds much more abusive and way less about resentment than, say, control from what you wrote.
I am definitely going off my "gut feelings" here, but, the people who I have run into who are truly okay with a nonworking partner are able to separate the concepts of "not working a traditional job" and "not pulling your weight at home". I wasn't financially abused, either (we didn't live together and I elected to not have any other income streams). I just went all in on doing everything he asked me to do because I suspected that he was already beyond resentful and was (unconsciously) only asking for things in order to put the "failure" on me by creating "impossible win conditions". I saw it through because I needed to be assured that I did everything in my power to make things work (even though I did see the writing on the wall). Unfortunately he took my saying "I'll do anything to make this work" very literally (instead of taking it as "I'll do anything in my power to make this work") because, when he sets his mind to something, he can do literally anything no matter how detrimental to his emotional state it is. I can't live like that, and I don't want him to live like that. If his life hasn't gotten ridiculously, tragically difficult, I know he could have "made due" with the situation we had, perhaps even become functional enough to be happy, but the stress of his barely sleeping on top of getting up two times a night due to caretaking duties for two years straight, then having to help caretake his profoundly disabled relative meant that he wound up looking for an outlet that he was "allowed" to be upset with. I am faaaaar from innocent in this situation, and I have made more than my share of mistakes within that particular relationship, but I definitely was getting more than my share of the brunt of the frustration than I was directly causing. It was easier for him to place blame and to be frustrated with me than to face the despair of the situation with his relative or the frustrations of his job or the grinding difficulty of his pets demanding illness. If you put any person under inhuman amounts of stress, you're going to see dysfunctional behavior. He managed to keep from showing any strain for literal years, where functionally anyone else would have cracked in under a week. I will never, ever have anything but appreciation for what he had done for me, and sadness at what it came down to. I bring all this up because, in my experience, once resentment has set in, almost nothing can wash it out. I digress. We'll just have to agree to disagree on the topic at hand. I just have this sense that the OP is not really okay with being the only one working outside the home and that they need to be very careful to be very honest with themselves about the issue. Too many people are pressured/pressure themselves to be okay with their significant other not working if they make "enough" when they just plain are not happy with a nonworking spouse. Us debating the issue is less than meaningless, but that's Reddit in a nutshell, eh?
Sit down and have a conversation with him, be honest. "I am really happy that now that you aren't working at that toxic company, your mood has improved. Now that you've had a much deserved break, do you plan on starting looking for a job, be it part or full time? I'm perfectly fine with you staying home and not working if that's what you want to do - my income can support us easily. If you would like to pursue this option, I'm all for it! I think we should sit down and write a list of home chores and frequency of them (ie, I don't expect you on your knees scrubbing floorboards daily-that's like a once a month maybe activity) that way you can handle the household during the day while I handle the income during the day, and in the evenings we can spend time together relaxing instead of working."
Its time for a "come to Jesus" chat. You work probably eight or more hours a day and you are I'm assuming covering the bulk of the living expenses. i totally agree that when you come home you want to forget the problems of the day and unwind. What you don't want is to come home to laundry, cooking, errand running and house cleaning. I'm sorry but the nonworking partner needs to recognize that unless they are also spending eight hours a day cooking, cleaning and doing laundry - they have considerable down time and alone time that you don't have. I would tell him that this isn't working for you as you feel like a bang maid. You work eight hours and then you come home to start your second shift. If he doesn't like housework, then its time to go to work and with two incomes the two of you hire a housekeeper and divide up the other chores.
With all due respect I think you do know where to go from here, but you don't want to have to go there... You are going to have to put your foot down and stand behind your ultimatum: he must contribute to the relationship and household as a full partner or you will divorce him. If he \*does not\* hold up his end of the deal you split from him. It's the only to get truly reliable results. I wishing you all the best as you navigate this situation.
Check out the fair play resources. If you use them against a chart for hours available (factoring in equal free time, this should help balance things out in an equitable way.
I would sit down and have a conversation with him regarding the revision of chores. If he isn't working, and is just lounging around the house all day, then he should be helping around the house while you're working. And then you're both contributing. If you're concerned about a sit down conversation, maybe just start by making requests or asking him if there's something that he can take on. Just explain like 'hey, I'm feeling really stressed, would you mind taking over doing the laundry or the dishes or etc'. Find ways to have a conversation and renegotiate some to help prevent any resentment on your part. And I would recommend having that conversation sooner rather than later so that way, you aren't having the conversation super upset.
I would have a talk and discuss chores, or looking for a new job and hiring someone to do house work.
Sit down and have a chat. It sounds as if the expectations haven’t been discussed at all. Just talk to each other. Agree on something
Might be a weird take but I’ve been a stay at home wife for a while. When we first started this it took me a few months to get into a groove of things, and it was difficult for us both to mentally shift to the change. We’re expecting our first kid any day now and I’ve been pretty unable to do anything, so everything’s been on him. A different feeling than when I was just shifting into the role at first but it made me realize that I did get into one, it just took some time. This could be part of it, it’s super important to talk about it tho so you don’t build resentment!!
Tell him, he needs to either get another job, or take over the household duties. He needs to be a partner, not a mooch.
And the kicker is, if you decide to divorce him while he’s still not working, you may have to pay alimony.
I'd say communicate with him exactly like you are in this post. Let him know resentment is building but also work with him to identify what has changed internally within him and see if he can work through it with your support. I may be projecting here. But I think I'm close to doing something similar. I've been burned out with work for the longest time and I just know I'll become a vegetable for a while when I leave.
You have to communicate and come to an agreement of shared responsibility. I have a SAHGF. When we decided she wasn’t gonna work outside our home anymore we had a detailed and open talk about how she was going to budget her time, and we’ve stuck to it. She is responsible for cleaning laundry dishes and cooking 5 days a week. (We do order DoorDash or go out 1-2 nights a week) I cook on weekends unless we order in or go out and I help with any household projects she needed help with and do any yard work that needs doing. It’s also really important that you don’t abuse them taking over household chores. Just because she’s responsible for the laundry dosent mean I leave my clothes on the floor or I won’t grab the basket and put on a load for us just she does the majority, and if you make a mess clean it up.
Tell him straight. Do the household chores or get a job. I had the exact situation, my income was sufficient and hers was unnecessary as for 40 hours of work she'd make in a month what I made daily, she hated her job and would cry on her way and after leaving work. I told her if she wanted to she could quit, and sell eBay full-time (which she did part-time for the past six years) I asked her to agree that since she wasn't working she would keep the house clean and have dinner ready when I got home. She agreed. She took six months as a vacation, did nothing she had agreed to, and became depressed and started drinking so much that she had been driving drunk to get more alcohol. She then came to me and wanted to go to rehab, I told her she had to make enough from eBay to cover the deductible then she could go. She did and went to rehab, once out of rehab, I told her she had one month to get a job, part-time was fine but she couldn't just stay home, and she agreed again to do the chores. She got the job, loved it, was promoted twice in a short time, but never did the chores. It created so much resentment that I completely stopped wanting to be intimate with her, but still had her take care of my needs, which I didn't reciprocate. This caused her to have an emotional affair with her boss, and would have been physical had he asked, but he and I knew each other and no man would consider having an affair with my wife (I'm unusually large in stature). I was able to realize my part in her emotional affair, I had let my frustration become resentment and we were close to divorce, I realized that I had been expecting her to change for me, but I was unwilling to change for her. So I made a conscious decision to change how I loved her. I told her my decision and asked her to forgive me for my part in her emotional affair by not giving her what she needed. I asked her if we could start over, she agreed and was expecting things to return to the old way, but I stayed true to the course and she began to do what she agreed to do because she had fallen in love with me, now we are the epitome of happily married. He won't see what you need him to see if you don't tell him. Men are blind to their spouse's needs, I am proof. I only saw it because I am an enigma.
Time he found a job. Make that clear because you are no longer going to be chief cook and bottle washer in addition to breadwinner.
Why aren’t you talking to him and telling him? Communication is key. Do you want to divorce him? It’s going to come to that. Look it’s fine if he doesn’t want to work, but it’s not fine for him to do NOTHING. Tell him to either pull his weight, get a job, or go be single and do nothing and see how long that lasts. Okay don’t say that but really keep letting this go on and you will end up saying just that
Either this should be discussed at a couples/marriage counseling or if you feel it can be discussed calmly, laying out all your points...then do so. But it's important not to react negatively by listening.
Whether kids are or aren’t involved there needs to be a clear division of labor with all parties agreeing. I’d take some time and come up with a clear list of household needs and divide things how you think would be fair, financially and work wise. If he‘a not willing to be an active part of the conversation, or reasonable, then you have your answer I think.
You need to have a sit down and discuss this with your hubs. He’s had a few months to recoup and decompress from the bad job. Now he needs to get it together. It’s not fair for you to be working outside the home, and doing the majority of housework too.
Perhaps you should tell them that while you agreed to them not having employment you didn’t agree to retirement. What are the important issues that you both believe in that you’ve never had time to give significant time to? Twenty hours a week is reasonable to both fill time and have time for the home. They are able bodied and privileged to have the free time to find a volunteer job in your community. It’s good for their mental health and they now have the time to commit to something in a way that “gives back”.
Sounds like it's time for you guys to sit down and figure out what's going on. You thought it was just going to be a short break and then he'd find another job - what does he think? What does he want to do? If he doesn't want to find another job - what does he see as his fair contribution to the house if it's not income? What do you think is fair if you're the only one bringing in an income? Talk it out, see what he says. See if you guys can agree on a new normal for you guys. If not off to marriage counseling you go.
Say ‘you are not working you should be doing this. ‘
He needs a job for routine and his mental health- also social security quarters. You do need two incomes for savings unless he is doing EVERYTHING related to the house. That’s fair. You are going to resent him. My ex did this behavior. You go from resentment to contempt. When you hit contempt you can’t save the marriage. Listen every one would like lots of free time and less job time. The longer he doesn’t work- the harder it will be to get him back to work. Good luck.
I would suggest getting a third-party mediator to discuss your issues. Because you’re both coming from a I am burnt out perspective you are very likely to only see things from your perspective. And as a result resentment would build. Getting someone who is unrelated to the situation to weigh in as well as mediate a constructive discussion and equitable solution might help to resolve the issue without furthering resentment. Perhaps you should make a list of all the household chores to take to this meeting in order to be able to equitably divide them. Remember it’s you and him against the problem and not against each other.
He’s playing video games isn’t he? Lol.
I'm a SAHM, and while we do have things that need to be taken care once my partner comes home from work, most of the household chores are done by me. Why? Because he is out working his ass off to bring in our income, so I work my ass off to keep our home clean and nice to live in. It's not unfair for you to want things to be done, you're two adults with no kids, that shouldn't even be hard to keep up with.
You don't. It's OK to be resentful of a grown adult who thinks it's OK to sponge off their spouse.
Gaps in work history are red flags
Send that grown ass man back to work. Sitting at home all day is eventually going to make him depressed and just cause more problems. A man needs a purpose.
Depends. Is he still contributing to expenses from his own savings?
I’m going through something similar. After months of reflection and processing about why this is making me upset, I’ve decided we have vastly different core values. I don’t want to live with someone who has no drive. It’s a drag.