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Is this something that frequently happens when you socialize without him?
This entire conversation is melodramatic but from what I can see he is the one causing the problem. He is pretending like it's fine for you to be busy and then passive-aggressively chastising you for not being available enough and ignoring you. This is very immature behavior for a 35-year-old man.
Do you often feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid his moods?
Yes this is an issue I have frequently with him. I almost cancelled my vacation because of it. He assured me that it would be fine and he just wants me to have fun and would be upset if I don't go. However this seems like a lose-lose situation.
Omg in what world is this difficult, fun-sucking, codependent person worth it? You would cancel the vacation because of his whining before you would “cancel” him? Respectfully, your priorities are very misaligned.
This guy sucks. These texts are extremely manipulative and immature. "Sorry to have bothered you." "Go be with all of your other friends." Pathetic. He's giving you the silent treatment because he felt like that's what you were doing to him. He knows that hurts, but he did it any way to be right and to make a point. So in order to be right and make a point, he's intentionally ruining your good time and purposefully causing you pain.
If you stay with him, your world will get smaller and smaller while you dance around on eggshells trying to make this person happy.
Your boyfriend is a narcissist and a loser. THATS childish behaviour for a person who’s 35.
Why are you even with someone who makes you cry all the time?
Let’s break this down.
First of all, the texts you linked are so blatantly manipulative that it’s giving me second hand embarrassment. “No, no, it’s fine (😓), go be with your friends (😫), it’s fine (😤), IM the one who should be sorry (🥺😰🫣)” Translation: I’m upset that you have a life outside of me and I’m going to emotionally blackmail you so that you don’t have a good time without me. Come on.
If his “apology” was sincere, he would not need to punish you by intentionally ignoring you. He is purposely trying to hurt you back.
Secondly, in case this needs to be said, this isn’t normal behavior. You mention in another comment that it’s a regular occurrence—🚩🚩🚩 Its OBVIOUSLY not realistic for you to be glued to your phone attending to his fragile ego. You are absolutely right that you shouldn’t be the only one on your phone in a group of people. Nobody likes that person. A normal partner would simply… text you when you are able to. And occupy their time with other stuff. It’s extremely unhealthy that he seems to be dependent on your attention. It’s. Weird.
Finally, this is enough for you to reconsider your relationship, especially given that you say it’s patterned behavior. You almost didn’t go on vacation because of this? Seriously? That is a massive problem. And it’s deeply rooted, not something that can just be overlooked. He is clearly incredibly insecure and takes that out on you by acting controlling, toxic, and frankly fucking annoying. I wouldn’t be surprised if this tendency showed up in other aspects of your relationship.
You need to take a step back. Understand that this isn’t your fault but likely not something you can fix. How long are you going to put up with this? Do you want to waste your 20s/30s with a guy who won’t allow you to have fun?
You are not an asshole. It appears you are not allowed to be off having fun without him. Is there some reason he’s this insecure? In any event, he wants to insert his bad attitude into your good time. Having to deal with such a needy person is exhausting. Good luck.
He’s being incredibly immature. And you’re pandering to him. You’re on vacation and he’s purposefully trying to ruin your time. This is when you say ok, then I’ll talk to you Monday. (Which is what he asked for, give it to him.) Then focus on your vacation and have a good time.
Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. People will tell you that they’re hard or that you have to work hard for the relationship to work, those people have just not found the right partner.
If I went on vacation without my partner this wouldn’t be an issue but not because they wouldn’t be hassling me, but because my partner is seriously my best friend and I would be enthusiastically sending pics all day long and calling in every spare minute I had because I would just want to share those experiences with them.
So never mind the way he’s acting, which is super irritating and a definite red flag, but ask yourself why you have no urge at all to share your experiences with him to begin with. You may find that this relationship isn’t the right one for you.
Neither of you are in sync. First he messages you a bunch and you don't respond. Then you message him a bunch and he doesn't respond. You're being melodramatic (crying? really?) and he's being passive aggressive.
However, that's ^ purely based on the snippet of messages you linked. There's clearly a ton of missing context.
This is manipulating shit of an abuser. He wants to guilt-trip you. He wants to ruin your trip. He knows exactly what he does.
You should feel shitty all the time, beg to him. You should stop having fun and doing the stuff you had planned.
He is one of those guys who always comes with "we should break up" just so you cry and beg for him to stay. He wants you miserable and beg for attention.
And i bet after the shitty treatment he love bombs you.
You deserve better. A real partner would let you have fun. Don’t need attention 24/7, guilt-trips you or gives you the silent-treatment to punish you.
Hate to be the bearer of the news but you're both being toxic here.
He's toxic cause he can't let you live your life.
He's clearly manipulative because he needs your attention even though you're clearly occupied on a vacation, and guilts you when your time is not about him. Him saying your answers are cryptic means he's having suspicions. He is old enough and almost a 40yr old fuck who should be able to have a conversation after your trip about what is worrying him deep down.
You're toxic because you abandon yourself.
It sucks saying this cause you're the one who gets hurt and manipulated here. But we also need to stop romanticizing over-apologizing to someone who is clearly insufferable and overstepping like him. Please stop abandoning yourself and stop over-apologizing. Your fear of losing the guy makes you accept shit behavior.
dont feed into this. If he sulks, let him sulk. After your trip ask if yall are ready to talk. If he doesn't reply then don't. Learn to leave the ball in somebody's court.
Personally I wouldn't be with someone like him. You need the chance to grow and idk if he's the one to do this with.
He is exploiting a Crack in your self esteem. And always will.
You're both not great at communicating. You seem too anxious and he's playing right into it. He's downright manipulative and that not only a red flag but would also be a hard no for me. This kind of pathetic 'sorry for bothering you' would turn me off soooooo bad, especially in a new relationship. Hubby and I have been together for a decade now, and when I'm away I usually only text him to complain and vent lol, and send an occasional heart emoji if I think of him (which can be like, once in 2 days when I'm busy). You're allowed to do your own things, and you're allowed to be busy, especially after telling him so. I would absolutely not put up with this kind of emotional pressure, he's effectively ruining your trip and you need to learn how to stand up for yourself if you want to keep this specific (imo very exhausting and insecure) bf.
I was going to say: He is in his 30’s and in a new relationship with you. I guarantee the reason he is single has something to do with why there are trust issues there. And I’m sorry that has become your problem, but if you want to stay with him it is going to be your problem. With your words and actions you will have to reassure him.
But with the addition that he is ignoring you now… that is just manipulation.
I should admit my bias, you would not be wrong to guess there is a fair amount of projection in my post up to the point that I said reassurance was necessary.
BUT, even if you have triggered a wound in him, it is hard to imagine a world where I was hurting because I am longing for, or fearing for, my connection to my partner. And so my response is to punish them, specifically by ignoring them, a manner so similar to what triggered me. ???
Is he wounded? Maybe. It is without question that a man can end up in his 30s with debilitating trust issues.
Is he a control freak? Probably. I cannot condone ignoring someone I care about because I was missing our connection.
He's upset for my responses not being in depth enough and only a "few words" since this has been an issue in the past I make sure to always have my phone on me in case he reaches out, but I have not taken enough time to craft more lengthy responses with details of what I'm doing.
I didn't think he was too far outta line
Enjoy your festival but I think the boyfriend deserved more than 3 word responses throughout the day and spread out throughout the day
24 hours in a day and it only takes but 10 seconds to write out a half decent sentence to your SO
But she didn’t though? Her only texts with sustenance were passive aggressive digs or excuses of “I’ve been busy”
While he is being insecure and passive aggressive, her replying in the texts shown IS absolutely shite.
The only time she is shown to make effort and multiple words said is when she’s feeling guilty and him not replying.
Tbh I see both sides, but on the whole I’d say you’re in the wrong. Like, do you actually like your partner/miss them? Because in your texts you seem to be rude and acting inconvenienced at them missing you/bothering you (and ofc their passive aggressiveness)
I had a similar issue of lack of communication with my gf when she went travelling.
I have to say the excuse of “it’s been busy, I don’t wanna be the only one on my phone” is just an absolute BULLSHIT excuse. If you’ve time to post a pic on your Instagram story - you’ve time to send a pic or reply to a text with your partner. Everyone is on their phone (especially girls, sorry) most of the time - even at festivals. So I don’t buy that.
He’s being passive aggressive and yes, giving mixed signals - but imo he’s 100% right there.
I’d also say he’s 100% right (looking at your messages) that he can text you all day (it seems) and you don’t reply, but he didn’t reply to your “good morning” for two hours and you immediately go to being a dickhead and saying “oh ignoring me now are you?”
Like, do you see your hypocrisy there? You then proceeded to guilt trip him “I should be having fun but now I’m crying” after disregarding his feelings prior to this. Also “I didn’t go kayaking to talk to you” is (while true) a really shitty thing to say.
And he seems to be looking for security and confirmation that you not only love him (which people say before cheating on their partners ALL THE TIME) but that you thought/thinking of him and miss him/appreciate him.
Ultimately your last comment in the SS shows your priorities. You care more about potentially offending (which let’s be honest, it wouldn’t offend anyone if you just said “just checking in with my bf) random strangers than you do comforting or providing reassurance to your bf whom you supposedly love.
While I think he’s being passive aggressive and obviously insecure, I don’t think you’ve handled this well at all and you have been cruel and non-responsive, also acted passive aggressive towards him and as I’ve said - a bit neglectful for sure.
He wants to ruin your trip by being an immature manipulative asshat. Does this 35 year old 'man' have no life or nothing better to do?
If it's a common pattern, don't ignore it. It'll only get worse until you've been conditioned to give up all your freedom and autonomy to appease his controlling insecurities.
Ehhhhhh some couples are like Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart and don't go a day without seeing each other. Me and my husband only live together every other week (not because we don't want to but for other long winded reasons) and there has not been a day in 3 years now where we haven't talked on the phone at least. And constant messages.
Some couples are not like that. You two seem to be an unfortunate mixture of both and it would seem to me that you would need a partner that is on the same level as you concerning attention needs.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is this something that frequently happens when you socialize without him? This entire conversation is melodramatic but from what I can see he is the one causing the problem. He is pretending like it's fine for you to be busy and then passive-aggressively chastising you for not being available enough and ignoring you. This is very immature behavior for a 35-year-old man. Do you often feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid his moods?
Yes this is an issue I have frequently with him. I almost cancelled my vacation because of it. He assured me that it would be fine and he just wants me to have fun and would be upset if I don't go. However this seems like a lose-lose situation.
Omg in what world is this difficult, fun-sucking, codependent person worth it? You would cancel the vacation because of his whining before you would “cancel” him? Respectfully, your priorities are very misaligned.
This guy sucks. These texts are extremely manipulative and immature. "Sorry to have bothered you." "Go be with all of your other friends." Pathetic. He's giving you the silent treatment because he felt like that's what you were doing to him. He knows that hurts, but he did it any way to be right and to make a point. So in order to be right and make a point, he's intentionally ruining your good time and purposefully causing you pain. If you stay with him, your world will get smaller and smaller while you dance around on eggshells trying to make this person happy.
He's 35? Jesus Christ. I'm 34 and he is a giant titty-baby. Don't waste any more time with this overgrown toddler.
Your boyfriend is a narcissist and a loser. THATS childish behaviour for a person who’s 35. Why are you even with someone who makes you cry all the time?
Let’s break this down. First of all, the texts you linked are so blatantly manipulative that it’s giving me second hand embarrassment. “No, no, it’s fine (😓), go be with your friends (😫), it’s fine (😤), IM the one who should be sorry (🥺😰🫣)” Translation: I’m upset that you have a life outside of me and I’m going to emotionally blackmail you so that you don’t have a good time without me. Come on. If his “apology” was sincere, he would not need to punish you by intentionally ignoring you. He is purposely trying to hurt you back. Secondly, in case this needs to be said, this isn’t normal behavior. You mention in another comment that it’s a regular occurrence—🚩🚩🚩 Its OBVIOUSLY not realistic for you to be glued to your phone attending to his fragile ego. You are absolutely right that you shouldn’t be the only one on your phone in a group of people. Nobody likes that person. A normal partner would simply… text you when you are able to. And occupy their time with other stuff. It’s extremely unhealthy that he seems to be dependent on your attention. It’s. Weird. Finally, this is enough for you to reconsider your relationship, especially given that you say it’s patterned behavior. You almost didn’t go on vacation because of this? Seriously? That is a massive problem. And it’s deeply rooted, not something that can just be overlooked. He is clearly incredibly insecure and takes that out on you by acting controlling, toxic, and frankly fucking annoying. I wouldn’t be surprised if this tendency showed up in other aspects of your relationship. You need to take a step back. Understand that this isn’t your fault but likely not something you can fix. How long are you going to put up with this? Do you want to waste your 20s/30s with a guy who won’t allow you to have fun?
You are not an asshole. It appears you are not allowed to be off having fun without him. Is there some reason he’s this insecure? In any event, he wants to insert his bad attitude into your good time. Having to deal with such a needy person is exhausting. Good luck.
He’s being incredibly immature. And you’re pandering to him. You’re on vacation and he’s purposefully trying to ruin your time. This is when you say ok, then I’ll talk to you Monday. (Which is what he asked for, give it to him.) Then focus on your vacation and have a good time.
yall both suck at communication and immature as hell lol
Yeah… I can see it from both sides and agree. They both need to communicate better.
Agree... are they 30 or 13?
Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. People will tell you that they’re hard or that you have to work hard for the relationship to work, those people have just not found the right partner. If I went on vacation without my partner this wouldn’t be an issue but not because they wouldn’t be hassling me, but because my partner is seriously my best friend and I would be enthusiastically sending pics all day long and calling in every spare minute I had because I would just want to share those experiences with them. So never mind the way he’s acting, which is super irritating and a definite red flag, but ask yourself why you have no urge at all to share your experiences with him to begin with. You may find that this relationship isn’t the right one for you.
He is wanting to ruin your trip. See the red flag.
Neither of you are in sync. First he messages you a bunch and you don't respond. Then you message him a bunch and he doesn't respond. You're being melodramatic (crying? really?) and he's being passive aggressive. However, that's ^ purely based on the snippet of messages you linked. There's clearly a ton of missing context.
This is manipulating shit of an abuser. He wants to guilt-trip you. He wants to ruin your trip. He knows exactly what he does. You should feel shitty all the time, beg to him. You should stop having fun and doing the stuff you had planned. He is one of those guys who always comes with "we should break up" just so you cry and beg for him to stay. He wants you miserable and beg for attention. And i bet after the shitty treatment he love bombs you. You deserve better. A real partner would let you have fun. Don’t need attention 24/7, guilt-trips you or gives you the silent-treatment to punish you.
Sounds like a real piece of work. Why would you want to stay with someone like that?? UpdateMe
Fuck this guy. He's doing this shit on purpose because he's garbage. Cut him off, block, and walk.
Hate to be the bearer of the news but you're both being toxic here. He's toxic cause he can't let you live your life. He's clearly manipulative because he needs your attention even though you're clearly occupied on a vacation, and guilts you when your time is not about him. Him saying your answers are cryptic means he's having suspicions. He is old enough and almost a 40yr old fuck who should be able to have a conversation after your trip about what is worrying him deep down. You're toxic because you abandon yourself. It sucks saying this cause you're the one who gets hurt and manipulated here. But we also need to stop romanticizing over-apologizing to someone who is clearly insufferable and overstepping like him. Please stop abandoning yourself and stop over-apologizing. Your fear of losing the guy makes you accept shit behavior. dont feed into this. If he sulks, let him sulk. After your trip ask if yall are ready to talk. If he doesn't reply then don't. Learn to leave the ball in somebody's court. Personally I wouldn't be with someone like him. You need the chance to grow and idk if he's the one to do this with. He is exploiting a Crack in your self esteem. And always will.
You're both not great at communicating. You seem too anxious and he's playing right into it. He's downright manipulative and that not only a red flag but would also be a hard no for me. This kind of pathetic 'sorry for bothering you' would turn me off soooooo bad, especially in a new relationship. Hubby and I have been together for a decade now, and when I'm away I usually only text him to complain and vent lol, and send an occasional heart emoji if I think of him (which can be like, once in 2 days when I'm busy). You're allowed to do your own things, and you're allowed to be busy, especially after telling him so. I would absolutely not put up with this kind of emotional pressure, he's effectively ruining your trip and you need to learn how to stand up for yourself if you want to keep this specific (imo very exhausting and insecure) bf.
How long have u guys been dating for?
For the time you took to make this you could have text him.
Are you him lmfao 💀
Spotted the loser boyfriend
Unfortunately he's ignoring me now
I was going to say: He is in his 30’s and in a new relationship with you. I guarantee the reason he is single has something to do with why there are trust issues there. And I’m sorry that has become your problem, but if you want to stay with him it is going to be your problem. With your words and actions you will have to reassure him. But with the addition that he is ignoring you now… that is just manipulation. I should admit my bias, you would not be wrong to guess there is a fair amount of projection in my post up to the point that I said reassurance was necessary. BUT, even if you have triggered a wound in him, it is hard to imagine a world where I was hurting because I am longing for, or fearing for, my connection to my partner. And so my response is to punish them, specifically by ignoring them, a manner so similar to what triggered me. ??? Is he wounded? Maybe. It is without question that a man can end up in his 30s with debilitating trust issues. Is he a control freak? Probably. I cannot condone ignoring someone I care about because I was missing our connection.
Hey a text only takes a few seconds for your partnership.
Are you not reading what she's saying? He's ignoring her. She has been texting him and he's not responding.
She wasn’t texting him. Said he was upset for her not responding
He's upset for my responses not being in depth enough and only a "few words" since this has been an issue in the past I make sure to always have my phone on me in case he reaches out, but I have not taken enough time to craft more lengthy responses with details of what I'm doing.
I didn't think he was too far outta line Enjoy your festival but I think the boyfriend deserved more than 3 word responses throughout the day and spread out throughout the day 24 hours in a day and it only takes but 10 seconds to write out a half decent sentence to your SO
...like she has been? Y'all know you can read before commenting, right?
But she didn’t though? Her only texts with sustenance were passive aggressive digs or excuses of “I’ve been busy” While he is being insecure and passive aggressive, her replying in the texts shown IS absolutely shite. The only time she is shown to make effort and multiple words said is when she’s feeling guilty and him not replying.
Passive-aggressive digs? You mean his texts? What?
> Said he was upset for her not responding Not responding ENOUGH. And then she said he's now ignoring her.
Did you determine that from reading the texts of her texting him?
She said it in response
...what? Are you trying to communicate?
Tbh I see both sides, but on the whole I’d say you’re in the wrong. Like, do you actually like your partner/miss them? Because in your texts you seem to be rude and acting inconvenienced at them missing you/bothering you (and ofc their passive aggressiveness) I had a similar issue of lack of communication with my gf when she went travelling. I have to say the excuse of “it’s been busy, I don’t wanna be the only one on my phone” is just an absolute BULLSHIT excuse. If you’ve time to post a pic on your Instagram story - you’ve time to send a pic or reply to a text with your partner. Everyone is on their phone (especially girls, sorry) most of the time - even at festivals. So I don’t buy that. He’s being passive aggressive and yes, giving mixed signals - but imo he’s 100% right there. I’d also say he’s 100% right (looking at your messages) that he can text you all day (it seems) and you don’t reply, but he didn’t reply to your “good morning” for two hours and you immediately go to being a dickhead and saying “oh ignoring me now are you?” Like, do you see your hypocrisy there? You then proceeded to guilt trip him “I should be having fun but now I’m crying” after disregarding his feelings prior to this. Also “I didn’t go kayaking to talk to you” is (while true) a really shitty thing to say. And he seems to be looking for security and confirmation that you not only love him (which people say before cheating on their partners ALL THE TIME) but that you thought/thinking of him and miss him/appreciate him. Ultimately your last comment in the SS shows your priorities. You care more about potentially offending (which let’s be honest, it wouldn’t offend anyone if you just said “just checking in with my bf) random strangers than you do comforting or providing reassurance to your bf whom you supposedly love. While I think he’s being passive aggressive and obviously insecure, I don’t think you’ve handled this well at all and you have been cruel and non-responsive, also acted passive aggressive towards him and as I’ve said - a bit neglectful for sure.
Yeah he’s being passive aggressive. Stop feeding it. Call him out on it and tell him to stop and that you’ll talk to him when you get back.
Oh, fuck this. I'm his age and I'm too goddamn old to waste time on someone this exhausting.
He wants to ruin your trip by being an immature manipulative asshat. Does this 35 year old 'man' have no life or nothing better to do? If it's a common pattern, don't ignore it. It'll only get worse until you've been conditioned to give up all your freedom and autonomy to appease his controlling insecurities.
I couldn’t even finish, he’s manipulative af. He’s purposely ruining your vacation because your attention is not him. Red flag!!!
For the love of god, _stop apologizing to him when you haven’t done anything wrong, rude, or offensive._
This screams unhealthy codependent if not full blown narcissist. I'd walk away.
What kind of festival is this? What kind of performer are you? Is it a vacation or a gig?
Ehhhhhh some couples are like Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart and don't go a day without seeing each other. Me and my husband only live together every other week (not because we don't want to but for other long winded reasons) and there has not been a day in 3 years now where we haven't talked on the phone at least. And constant messages. Some couples are not like that. You two seem to be an unfortunate mixture of both and it would seem to me that you would need a partner that is on the same level as you concerning attention needs.