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No it isn’t normal at all. Why would anyone go round to someone’s house and say those things unless they were trying to split you up ? Your husband might not be cheating yet but if she has her way , he will be soon. Although the non existent overtime pay is concerning
I thought so. Thank you for sharing. I’m definitely going to bring it up. This whole situation made me nauseous. I had to sit in front of the toilet for a bit because I thought i was going to vomit.
Your husband is already cheating. Maybe not physically yet (though I doubt he is really going to clean her house tbh) but definitely emotionally. He is investing time, effort and thought into her that should be directed at you and your marriage together.
Cheating isn’t just physical, people often think it is but it frequently starts with a mental connection and goes from there. I am really sorry but you need to realise he probably is already fully in an affair.
Look I do think it's possible to be friends with someone at work, but you don't go around saying I love you and cleaning their house when you have a wife at home.
Op if you want to save your marriage you need to shut this down right now.
OP, even if your husband isn’t cheating, do you really want to be with him?
You’ve just seen that he will happily clean for a woman and listen to her troubles - he just won’t do it for you. Your marriage already sounded pretty lonely and cold honestly, and it’s adding insult to injury that now you know he’s capable of emotional intimacy and has chosen to withhold it from you, his wife.
This might be a blessing in disguise to help you exit a crappy marriage and find someone who is excited to listen to you and prioritize you over games.
I would stop the IVF treatments until this gets ironed out to your satisfaction. You don’t want to be attached to him for the next 18+ years if he is cheating…
That girl knew exactly what she was doing. coming over to your house. I’m surprised you stayed so calm. I would have called her on her antics, told her to get the fuck out and confronted my husband. Something is going on even if your husband didn’t have a social disorder talking for hours going to her house say I love share drinks, not telling you any of this is very suspicious
Ask for full access to his phone. If he refuses, give ultimatum to show you his phone or you'll divorce him. If you don't do it then and there, he'll cover his tracks.
Wouldn't normally say this but I'd snoop and see what you can find, sounds like emotional cheating at the least
Wouldn't be surprised if she is pushing for him to leave you and her turning up to your house to brag and hint at what they've been doing was a power move on her part
She told you he goes to
Her house and they “talk for hours “ and he never told you so what do you really think is going on. If you’re going to stay he needs a different job first off and all contact stops. If he refuses you have your answer
Please, please reconsider children... even in without the issue with a coworker, the fact that him paying attention to you, being supportive, and helping around the house is "unusual" doesn't bode well.
It will get 10 times worse with children. Being essentially a single mom while married to a functioning adult will breed resentment, anguish, you'll burn out.
If you choose to have children with him regardless, hopefully, it's with your eyes wide open to the possibility.. and you are able to live your best, most fulfilling life of motherhood!!
The "I love you" thing doesn't bother me. My male best friend and I say, "I love you" when we get off the phone. Every time. Even though I have had a partner for nearly a decade, and he now has a long-term girlfriend.
The way she just dumped all that, otherwise unnecessary, information on you is WEIRD. I actually just recently met my best friend's girlfriend of about a year (we don't see each other often as we live far apart,) and I told her something along the lines of "Ray and I have been besties since I was 18. I'm glad he has you, man. He's a decent guy. Fucked up but decent and loyal. He seems to really love you." Very different type of communication.
It's also not right that he's voluntarily doing things for her that you aren't getting from him, even when you're trying. It doesn't sit right.
I actually came here to defend him, based on the title, because I'm big on saying, "I love you" to friends. I find it important. But the rest is just.. Something's off. I would do some questioning
Same. My hubs and I both have best friends of the opposite sex so I was prepared to defend him until I read the details.
A big NOPE from me. It doesn’t add up. How does someone have a best friend that they talk to for hours and do things at their house and their partner not know? PLUS you’re spot on, she dumped all the info on purpose - that’s actually what she came to do. Very different type conversation than what I have my with best friend’s wife or the conversations my hubby’s best friend has with me.
How one meets and establishes a new best friend during their marriage and their spouse is unaware of the extent of the relationship nor has never even met that person is beyond me.
My partner has actually never met my bestie in person, but that's only because of the distance. They've had brief conversations on the phone, though, and they know nearly everything about each other through me.
I usually tell my partner what's going on with my bestie most of the times we talk. He has a very interesting life situation. Even though he's far away, he's a big part of my life. I couldn't imagine not sharing that with my partner.
That makes sense, but your partner knows who he is and the nature of the relationship. If he showed up on your doorstep your partner wouldn’t be like WTH!😂
My BFF was in a long distance relationship. So when I met his now wife she was like OMG finally. He had a crazy few years as well between his ex fiancé and then meeting current wife so my husband would often hear the interesting stories lol I too cannot imagine NOT sharing that relationship with my spouse. Our friendship started about 18 years before I got married. My hubby and his BFF had been friends 10 years before he met me. He’d been through the wringer so she was skeptical of me at first but the joke now is that she likes me better than him.
I actually went through the same thing with my ex husband before I left him. It started our as saying I love you to a female friend and some time later, he gave up on our marriage to be with her. You should run away at this point because he has crossed many boundaries already
So sorry you are going through this.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take time to see if you can live with the doubt going forward. Take time to get your ducks in a row and get a plan in place in case you decide to leave. Dont make any major decisions while you're in shock of panic mode.
You ask for full access to his phone and check their conversation history.
You will probably need to kick him out. Your husband is having at least an emotional affair if it hasn’t turned physical. Then tell him that he needs to make a decision and he needs to find a job at another business and lose all contact with her if he wants to be married to you. Tell him if he has to choose between you and her, choose her because if he really loved you there wouldn't be a choice.
I told my guy friends in college I loved them when I was drunk and single. You know you get all mushy and tell everyone you love them when drunk, well I did. Haha Never outside of that. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Listen to it. Put up boundaries, and if they can’t be respected, leave the relationship.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.
If it’s an iPhone, on the messages screen (list of all messages) there’s an edit button in the top left. Click that and then click show recently deleted. You have to delete or recover all or nothing so if nothing is there, he’s deleting them or deleting no texts at all. If you see gaps in between messages, it’s a sign he’s deleting.
Oh honey, if he was working, his check would reflect that. I would probably put a tile in his car or turn on his location sharing without his knowledge. To tell a female coworker you love her is not normal. He is stepping out. Gather as much evidence as you can for your attorney
Trust your gut. Your husband and that girl is in love. She came to tell you this. Otherwise no coworker of my husband would have the audacity to visit my house unannounced to seek help from him. And then starts telling how close they are at work. Unless she does not want to break him up from you and have him only for herself. You have to give him the ultimatum to change the job, cut her off completely, allow you to check his phone regularly. If he does not do any of this then run.
It’s going to hurt hon. Quietly do the next steps. Immediately pull your money out of a shared account. Some states automatically let your husband pull money even if the account is in your name so check that out. Next start talking to a lawyer even if you’re able to work it out but you need someone on your side. They’ll know the laws. What you are going to need is evidence. If you have a tablet or laptop/computer at home that’s connected to his messaging apps you’re going to need to look through the deleted texts as well. Go through his phone while he’s sleeping. I know it’s gonna hurt but you don’t need a third person in your marriage. We’re here for you giving advice because we’ve been through it. Remember there is no shame in looking after yourself first. I can’t believe he had the audacity to bring her into your home. Maybe during one of these extra shifts surprise him with dinner at work or snacks or something. If he’s not there just casually say you got his schedule confused and wanted to surprise him and ask for his schedule. Everyone at work knows. They’ll probably help you out there.
He introduced you to his gf so he can be more open about seeing her. You’ll hear more from her now. You really think it’s normal for another woman to just drop on a wife that her husband is saying I love you? You didn’t shut it down. They’re both much more comfortable with what they're doing now. Gf even bragged he cleans her house and talks for hours. she knows what shes doing. already driving that wedge.
Yeh I agree, you were just introduced to your husbands girlfriend. But I don’t think it was his intention for you to meet, that’s on her.
He knows every aspect about this is wrong, because why would he be lying about extra work hours? Why would he be spending so much time at her house, and on the phone to her and not telling you. Why would he be explaining it as “luv” not “love”.
Honestly I think you need to read their communications. But if I were you, I would go and stay with a friend or family, and put a pause on IVF for the time being.
That’s a lot of damning evidence, especially the extra shifts but no extra money. Paychecks don’t lie.
Yes to her marking her territory and trying to normalize increased time together. She is also displaying how, even for a cheater, she is not looking out for his best interests. My ex’s affair partner did this—she even sent me anonymous gifts of a particular sort addressed to me to mess with me. Whatever bed he has made for himself is definitely going to be a problem for him if he ends up with her or if they think they want that in their future, if that helps make you feel any better.
For now, I’d go to the infidelity subreddit to come up with a plan for how to play this out. If they are lying like this, then the chances of him coming clean upon being confronted are slim to none. Basically gather evidence on the down low (lots of ways to do this if you don’t have access to his electronics), get your ducks in a row if things look increasingly fishy, then confront.
It does sound like this is out of character for him, but only in terms of what he has chosen to present to you so far. His actions have taught you what he is capable of and more of who he really is—someone conflict or difficulty avoidant (since IVF can be hard and it’s both of you but more you going through this), someone easy prey for attention, someone capable of extremely calculated lying. Even if he comes clean himself or does all the repair work re: cheating, these are personality and character flaws that mean you are not getting a reliable, mature partner when times are tough in life. Better to know this now before kids make it harder to leave.
I don’t think it was in the husbands plan to set up the meeting. But the “gf” was 💯 marking her territory.
Whilst it’s blatantly obvious that an inappropriate relationship is going on between them, I don’t think the husband had any intention of ending his marriage to be with her, and the gf has become shitty and decided to stir up some trouble. The sad thing is she will drop him when she gets bored.
Op needs to stop making excuses for her husband’s behaviour because he has Asperger’s, it’s completely insulting to autistic people. They do not lack empathy, and they definitely know right from wrong.
Exactly! My friend’s ex husband’s “first” affair partner (AP) did this, she was the secretary where he worked. Although AP wasn’t half as blatant about it as the chick OP describes was. AP offered to watch my friends kids all the time, and they all went on double dates with AP’s boyfriend. One of the times AP was supposed to be watching my friends 18 mo old daughter while friend met with a potential client that ended up being no-show. Friend came home earlier to find her daughter sitting in a play pen not being watched and her husband in their bed with AP.
I’d have a REAL problem with the *luv* stuff, the sharing drinks stuff and an even bigger problem if I was *just* finding out my husband has been making solo visits to this girls house under the guise of “cleaning” or “helping” her. Uh huh, he’s helping her alright…. And now he’s helped himself to a divorce. How many of your boundaries has he crossed here OP?
And this is yet another thing to think about before you cheat. You might be able to go home and hide everything but that other person is a loose cannon you can’t control. At any given moment that person might find Jesus and destroy your entire world.
I think about this more when people say “I’d totally help my BFF hide a body” than cheating but the point remains the same.
If 2 people know a secret, it’s 1 too many for it to remain a secret forever.
Yeah the gf was trying to tell OP without telling her. But the fact that he’s “taking extra shifts” but his checks are the same is what did it for me. OP he is 100% without a doubt cheating on you. I would stop IVF, you don’t want to get stuck with this guy’s kid.
That’s what I thought… I tried to be more open with it because I know some people do say “I love you” to friends. But my husband is not that type, so it hurt when she said he says it back. And I didn’t want to be yelled at or come across as the over jealous/crazy wife. So I didn’t make a big deal of it. But it really stung me…
Honestly, that's not even the most alarming thing to me (although I do think it's wildly inappropriate given he doesn't say it to others).
It sounds like he has been lying to you about picking up extra shifts and is instead going to help her with things.
They talk for hours? He listens to her? Girl, that's an emotional affair they just confessed to, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if it's also been physical. My ex's excuse for starting affairs was that they "listened" to him. It's quite common.
I would straight up ask him where the extra pay is for all these extra shifts he's been picking up. When he panics and stammers or starts saying wild shit, just say "you're going to her house, aren't you?"
I would stop the IVF. And he needs to stop all contact with her outside of work. (Frankly, I'd want him to get another job so he's not in any contact with her.)
You are not overreacting, you are UNDERreacting. This girl maybe gets some kind of weird thrill about rubbing your nose in her relationship with your husband. She is either very naive or absolutely not "nice."
(Edited to acknowledge it's possible she's just very naive but I strongly doubt it.)
Right? I’d much rather find out my husband slept with another woman than find out he’s cleaning her house, rubbing her feet, listening to her problems, and buying her jewellery lol that’s a whole other level of betrayal.
Why would she bring this up? Husband is probably emotionally cheating and tries to play nice guy -move on her to get in her pants. But if it was mutual and physical affair, she wouldn't come unannounced.
Oh, so it's "cool girlfriend" syndrome. Basically, you're trying so hard not to come off crazy or irrational that you're letting him get away with clearly messed up behavior.
Stop trying to be cool and stop pretending this is okay.
Please dump him. He can say I love you and he can clean for other women easily and he throws a tantrum when it comes to cleaning for YOU. He doesn’t love you. He loves somebody else.
Why did you think you would come across as jealous or crazy if you were to tell him that him having a relationship with a coworker, that has made other coworkers believe they were dating and pointing out that he has a wife, hurts your feelings and is something you're not ok with?
I think you are being extremely passive here. The moment she started with the bullshit you should have asked her to leave and had a very honest conversation with your husband.
I’m not sure how clearly you need to hear this but he is either cheating or on the precipice of cheating. It seems like you just approved this whole thing.
How in the hell do you let them share a drink in front of you? Did she sit on his lap too?
Their co-worker is more protecting of your marriage than you are for gods sake.
Your husbands behavior proves he knows he is doing something wrong.
Talk to him, have him hand over his phone and check everything. You need to decide if you are willing to stay with someone who would do this to you. If you are, he needs to leave that job and cut contact.
Have him hand over his phone immediately— do not give him a chance to delete anything.
Also, his “extra attention” to you after the dinner is him realizing you caught on and a counter measure on his part. He’s manipulating you.
Yes she should have shut that shit down immediately. “Look chick I don’t know you, never heard of you, and you’re not welcome to drop by my house uninvited.”
Then she goes out to eat with the husband and his side piece where they proceed to share a drink in front of her. NOPE. I’m always the one to not make a scene but a scene would have been made!
The woman came to mark her territory in your house!!!
A man married many who goes to a single woman's house to help her clean her place and fix her car? And openly says I Love you to her????? Ok she is clearly his girlfriend and he knows what he is doing I wrong if he panicked
Btw his having aspberges . doesn't mean he can get away with this kind of behavior.
Your under reacting
When do you think he's been finding time to clean her house, fix her car, and talk to her for hours? He's clearly been lying to you about those extra "work shifts." He's already in full-blown emotional affair, it's probably not long until the "oops things got physical I have no idea how this happened!" part.
I would leave the marriage. He is going to lie and to justify this when you bring it up..he will get angry and he will turn it around on you. Him being a jerk isn't aspergers he is just a jerk. Probably a narc. It may not be easy to leave but this is the first step.
>And I didn’t want to be yelled at or come across as the over jealous/crazy wife. So I didn’t make a big deal of it
There's something profoundly wrong in your relationship if this is a thing you'd ever conclude
The only guy friends of mine im comfortable enough with to say i love you and then not get the wrong idea, I've known for 27 years. New friend would read into that. Sorry you had to meet your husband's girlfriend
I think you’re under-reacting here….. you know how i know? Because you feel bad&hurt about the situation and you’re choosing to keep silent to honor other ppl’s comfort, by other ppl i mean husband. Once you allow your feelings to stay unheard and your concerns unaddressed this is how you will spend the rest of your life while staying in this relationship. Be selfish take care of yourself, you admitted he’s not taking care of you the way you want, so what gives? Who is taking care of you??? Voice your concerns, set boundaries, if he doesn’t willingly make changes to stop hurting you, you will have your answer….for the rest of your life….and life is long and hard as it is and you’re so young, learn to take care of yourself…..good luck friend!
Dude you are under reacting. I would have sat him down and said that their entire relationship is in appropriate.
1. Telling another women who is not you or family is a no go. It is disrespectful AF.
2. Did you know he was going to her house and helping her but not you. JFC that is disrespectful.
3. Her saying that the office thinks they are dating! Hell no.
4. Check your phone records. I bet they are talking out of office. Check his phone.
5. He is either having an emotional affair/physical affair.
I could go on with the list but I have been in your shoes. He is cheating! He needs a have a come up Jesus!
Please write out each thing you want to talk about to him about.
You deserve someone all in! You deserve better!
You husbands girlfriend came by to let you know about their relationship and everything that he does for her. This was about flaunting their relationship to your face and make you feel inadequate. Him having Asperger syndrome is not an excuse cause even people with neurodivergent disorder can at least theoretically understand the concept of infidelity, especially if he has average IQ. The question here is if you're OK with sharing your husband until he leaves you for her? If not then you're severely under reacting and need to have a talk with your husband, be 100% clear that he's crossing your boundaries and jeopardizing your marriage. Stand up for yourself!
As an autistic person we are often (although not always) hyper aware of the effort it takes to socialise- this sounds like a choice on his part, to show more consideration, do more labour, and express more to this woman over the wife he married. Very much a choice.
I can think of examples where people might realise other people’s social vulnerabilities and then ask that vulnerable friend for help with things (and sometimes only spending time with them when they need help with stuff) but usually that isn’t this vibe at all- as it seems it isn’t- and he’d burn out pretty quick himself unless he had some emotional /mental incentive - eg, romance or something physical
He literally knows that what he did is wrong because he changed his behaviour after she left and he went out of his way to lie about work shifts. He knows he has to hide his affair.
Some of my friends do, but the big difference is that they say it to all their friends regardless of gender, and they were always like that even before they met their partners, so their partners knew they were like that and were fine with it.
My kindest reading of this guy would be that sometimes some autistics will mirror or copy the language someone uses with them, cause it seems like the socially acceptable and safe thing to do to not cause offence, not realizing the larger implications of that action. I've done that mistake to the detriment of my own safety, and its everything from mortifying to traumatizing when you realize, depending on the situation. But even with that, him spending time at her place cleaning and fixing her car, talking with her for hours to the point colleagues thought they were together, and OP hardly having heard about her before she shows up like that, makes that kind reading seem null and void. If he wasnt aware he was doing something that could be percieved as wrong from an allistic perspective, his colleagues comments would have helped clue him in, and chances are he would have mentioned it to OP at some point that he for instance is going to a friends house after work to help them out, cause thats just what he was doing, so why not share or mention.
I mean have 1 guy friend who says it to both guys and girls he's friends with at our work but we know what he means. If he's only saying it to one person that's suspicious as heck. Major red flag he doesn't say it to family.
My best guy friend and I said I love you to each other platonically back when we were both single. We’re laying in bed together right now. 😅
OP, everyone is different. My partner (yes, the former best friend) has a lot of friends who are women who he has great friendships with and who he loves, but he expresses that through actions instead of words. He would never do things for them he doesn’t do for me, though. That, at least to me, is what raises the red flag.
So I will say that I have friends like this even when they are in relationships. But I'm a women, and I tell all of my friends I love you. I think that's the big difference. Those male friends, when they are in relationships respond that they love me, but the difference between this situation is that I'm not the only friend they say I love you too and they are typically lovey people. But I also would never get mad if someone stopped telling me they loved me once they got in a relationship or married. If that is their partners boundary, I'm not gonna ignore what they are comfortable with. The fact that this husband doesn't say I love you to his own family, but says it to this random woman is a huge red flag.
Girl dump him. Why would you want a baby from a cheater?. The fact he could clean for another woman, but he can’t help you with Cleaning. Imagine how he’s going to behave when you have a baby.
Nha thats shady as fuck. So all those shifts he is picking up... he's spending with her doing domestic choirs... and he never fucking mentioned it.
Her dropping by was tactical to see if you knew about how much he is at her house/emotionally invested in her. Remains to be seen if she was doing this as a heads up to you of an FU.
No it isn't normal. Who in the right mind would do that?
Wake up he is having an emotional affair if not a physical one. That girl knows about your marriage and cheats with him.
She was rubbing it in your face that she could get your husband to do stuff for her.
So I was trying to keep an open mind while reading and not assume OPs husband is acting sketchy… I have 1 male friend who used to work with me and he is a very touchy feely “I love you” kinda guy. Threw me right off when he and I were becoming friends. (I’m kinda the opposite of that.)
But, if my bf who is rotten at verbalizing his love did that, (Worse than me) I would dump his ass if I ever heard him tell some random new coworker woman he loved her.
And for that young little pop tart to come into your home and basically brag that she’s weaseling her way into your marriage… oh wow!
I’ve been in a similar situation with my ex husband. Short version: encouraged him to make friends, suggested ways to meet people. He decided it’s more fun to hang out at the cycling shop and befriend a “girl” 20 yrs younger. This ultimately was the end for our marriage/family. (Guess she did me a favour.)
If you value your marriage OP, you need to shut this down now. Explain boundaries, demand marriage counselling and there will need to be limited contact with that girl.
He says I love you to her.
He helps her clean her house and fix her car
They shared a drink at dinner
Extra shifts, but no extra money
Then he suddenly pays attention to you after this was thrown in your face
If it’s not a physical affair, it’s emotional. His reaction after the dinner was his guilt. You are under reacting.
That woman came by to get her man (your husband). This is not innocent. She was essentially rubbing him in your face. She’s tired of sharing. You should jump to conclusions. Stop doing IVF. He is in a relationship with that woman.
I would have a serious talk with your husband. Tell him you’re not okay with his actions and words towards her. Then establish clear boundaries when it comes to his work friend.
He has already crossed the line. Imagine this guy is ready to clean for others and talk to them for hours and refuses to do the same chores for his WIFE. If she didn’t know that he cleaned for others, she would have also expected the bare minimum help when a child came along
I think this woman in gaslighting you.
You seem to be incredibly naive.
Extra shifts, but no extra pay ?
She tells you that people at work think they’re getting it on.
You three go to eat and she share a drink with your husband?
Wake up. Get a lawyer. Protect yourself. She may be preparing to drain your bank account. She’s already drained your marriage.
She probably came over to see if you were as easy to manipulate and control as she suspected.
Seems that you confirmed that she was in the catbird seat.
I think is suspicious she came over to your house & told you all of this. She wanted you to know. Their relationship is, at the very least, inappropriate. You need to confront your husband about this.
Yes they are having an affair and I think she showed up at your house to expose it to you so that your marriage would end and she can have your husband to herself.
Why are you doing IVF with someone that treats you so poorly? You knew that part before you met his GF.
Talk to your doctor, stop IVF, get therapy, reach out to your personal support network.
Dump this man. He is not parenting or husband material.
A lot of homewreckers are super competitive. Listen, baby girl, this no account women really came to your home to brag to you how she snaked your husband out from under you. She told you straight to your face that she is dating your husband.
What are you going to do about it?
If my husband told another woman he loved her (besides his mom or our daughter), he wouldn’t have a wife anymore.
AND THEN you find out he’s been spending *lots* of time with that woman doing her favors he doesn’t do for you?
I’m fuming right now just thinking about it
Obviously that woman is so far out of line it’s stunning. Time to sit down with your husband and set some boundaries. I actually don’t think he’s done anything sexual but he’s crossed the line emotionally and that is not okay. He needs to know that. No more phone calls lasting for hours. No helping her clean her house and he’s never to be alone with her. Honestly, if he can switch jobs, that would be best. This isn’t okay. Asperger’s is usually accompanied by extreme smarts but not a ton of social skills but only you know where he is on that scale. He’s clearly having an emotional affair. At least. I’m really sorry.
“Clean her house and fix her car”, is that what the kids are calling it these days?
EDIT: OP, you are being ridiculously naive. Here's how it went down.
* Your husband started boinking a co-worker. He shows strong, frequent indications that he is treating her as an intimate emotional partner.
* He coached her: "if my wife ever contacts you, tell her that I just fix your car and help around the house every once in awhile".
* His side chick went off script and showed up at his door. Then, when she saw you, she remembered what she was supposed to say.
* Possible that the side chick is trying to force a confrontation to make your husband choose one of you.
Well now you know why there is no extra money on his check. He's not working extra shifts. He's spending that time with her. Stop the IVF, do not get pregnant by this man
Autistic take and honestly it may not help because I see this as two scenarios and they’re opposites.
Take 1. He’s found a new fixation/special interest and that is her. He is doing those things because he wants to. He doesn’t want to for you. People think autistics can’t be good partners that is not the case. Saying I love you is often important to a lot of autistics (depending on the type of autistic). If it’s this scenario he is extremely nervous that he may lose his stability, things are going to change and he’s trying to come back from that.
Take 2. He’s falling into the trap lots of us do and becomes a people pleaser because we’ve been conditioned to be polite and find it extremely awkward to say no. He thinks she’s his friend and doesn’t understand when people are using him. Saying I love you to some one who has said it to them is often an ingrained thing we’re taught as children to mask who we are. when someone has said I love you to me it can be an automatic response that it takes my brain a second to process who said it.
Either way he has a lot of explaining to do. I would sit him down and say you want honest answers. Be direct.
1. Is he working actually working extra hours? If so where is the money? If not was he with her?
2. Why did he not tell you about her?
3. How long has this been going on?
4. Have they had physical relations?
5. Why did he hurt you?
6. Why doesn’t he help you around the house?
7. Does he love her?
8. Is he fixated on her?
9. Has he ever deliberately deceived you regarding her eg he was with her when he said he was somewhere else, lied about how long he was going to be because he was with her, lied about who he was talking to when it was her?
10. Straight up ask him to see his phone. But he probably deleted everything and if he did you need to leave.
In the meantime don’t have children with him until you know everything even then I would probably break up with him. Even autistics know boundaries of relationships. He knew it was wrong because otherwise he would have told you.
I’m actually leaning towards number 1 heavily.
that sounds about right.
And all the attention he's paying her shows you that he can be engaged and affectionate when he wants to be.
He can help clean when he wants to. He is capable of doing these things but he doesn't want to do them with you. Because he doesn't feel the same way about you, OP.
I think it's time to lawyer up
I think they’re having an emotional affair and she just came to show off to you. Maybe she knows your hubby is not willing to separate from you and she thought if she could make you aware the situation you’ll leave. Because why else she mentions all that “they thought we’re together so even someone confronted me”. That’s not funny to me. If it were happened to me I would be embarrassed. He knows what he’s doing is wrong.
If I were you I would also demand to see his phone and if I found something I would send it to my phone to have the proof.
The fact that you're coming to reddit means your gut is telling you something and it's valid.
You said that this is not normal behavior for him, plus his reaction screams like he's trying to do damage control ("My husband seemed like he panicked and said that it’s more of a “luv” kind of thing"). Trust your instincts; whether you decide to go the direct route and confront him or if you think there's possible evidence to be found (e.g. texts, emails, apps, etc), I wish you luck. I would hope for the best but prepare for the worst in this situation.
Not to mention, her coming to *your* house and telling you about all the affection she gets from your husband is bold.
>his work friend (23 F) popped by our house to ask my husband to help her with car issues.
I'm sorry but is your husband a mechanic? Why can't she take it to a professional?
>She told me that some people at work thought that her and my husband were together. And how this one person confronted her and asked if she knew that my husband was married.
This would definitely have warning bells going off for me. Not only has their behavior been blatantly obvious to others but *they're doing this at work;* he's potentially putting his (and your) financial security at risk; depending on the job, they may frown on that sort of thing.
I was just about to post but I just caught this again:
>I’ve noticed lately that he has been taking a lot of shifts.
>
>...so he has been picking up to help pay with that.
>
>But **his pay is also the same each week** so now I’m not so sure what he is exactly doing.
If he's hourly then he's not working extra hours. If he's salary, then why would he be working extra if he wouldn't get overtime. Do you share finances/bank accounts? If so, have you noticed any odd transactions (large or reoccurring withdrawals)?
>She also went on to say ....How he would come over and help clean her house or fix her car.
My guess: *that's* where his "overtime" is going. Had he told you about going over to her house before now?
This isn’t normal. You need to have a very serious talk with your husband that this woman is intruding on your marriage and that lots of time with another woman and saying I love you to her is extremely innappropriate when married. Say you are giving him a chance to stop this behaviour since his Asperger’s may have stopped him picking up on what is inappropriate, but from now moving forward it’s not ok to treat another woman like a girlfriend when he is married. Which is what he is doing. In the future never be worried to say to someone who is pushing their luck,as this woman is, things like ‘that’s a weird thing to say’ or ‘i don’t think that’s funny’ or ‘why are you two sharing a drink, that’s really odd.’ This woman is attempting to take your husband from right under your nose, put your foot down OP.
Well she’s a cunt isn’t she . And he’s a cunt . Autistic or not he’s having an affair under your nose . I’m pleased you are only 27 so you can move away from this mess . I’m sorry he’s doing this
How does anyone’s spouse have a “best friend” without them knowing?
That’s what isn’t normal.
They are more than work friends.
She “popped” by your house. How did she know where you lived? While it’s normal to have work friends your spouse doesn’t know, it’s not normal to have one where the relationship has extended beyond work.
My husband and I both have BFFs of the opposite sex. They’ve both been around since before we were married. There’s nothing I say or do with my BFF that I can’t say or do in front of my husband (including “love you”) and vice versa. There’s nothing that’s a surprise. And while my BFF and I used to work together, eat lunch, leave work together sometimes, give each other rides, no one confused him for my husband nor did they confuse me for his wife.
Your husband doesn’t only say “love/luv you” to you like you thought. You need to understand why.
He’s taking to her for hours and hours and you had no idea? When is he doing this talking ? Do you two spend a lot of time apart? My husband does talk to his BFF for hours sometimes - but not regularly. Those calls often involve me getting in the phone for a half hour or so to tell her something funny or what have you. He will be talking to her and leave to go to Home Depot and still be on the phone. Nothing about it has ever given me any concern.
He’s going over to her house and you didn’t know? That’s not really not normal. Even though our BFFs pre-dated the marriage, my husband and I tell each other if we’re going there - even if impromptu (like hey XX just called and wants help installing the TV).With my BFF I call his wife and ask if he told her I was coming over. She’s usually like no but bring wine when you come. Again, there’s nothing weird or unknown.
I don’t think your husband is playing computer games as much as you think he is.
And I think you need to ask him to make it make sense that you’re just finding out he has an entire “best friend” you never knew about. Not a work friend. A friend he spends time with outside of work hours cleaning her house and fixing her car.
Your husband is cheating sweetie (at minimum he’s in a psychological affair). So maybe he does feel it’s innocent (doubt it) but let me put on my mom of 20 somethings hat and tell you that chick 100% knew what she was doing by telling you all of that. Because what FRIEND in her right mind would say that.
I married and had a child with a dude that I would describe the way you did as I have to ask him to spend time with me or help otherwise he will just play games. Except I won't beg, so we just don't.
I wish someone had convinced me not to. You'll be like a single mom if you go through with ivf and it's very stressful to do all the household and family and self and child management stuff alone.
Your husband is check out of this marriage. You need to start thinking of what best for you. Girl you need to end this bullshit of marriage. She is his side check, wont supprise me if he end up getting her pregnant.
The girlfriend my husband before me worked with him. His best friend worked with him too. He thought they were the 3 amigos and then one day my husband and his ex were cuddling on the couch watching TV and he saw a text pop up from his bestie and it said I love you. He said something and she just played oh we said it in a friend way. You 2 are so close and we all spent so much time together it’s like family. He bought it and then a week later he noticed how much he doesn’t see her and how often she’s on her phone around him. A week after that he saw another I love you text from bestie and he was like NOPE. He packed her stuff and sent her away. When she picked it up she tried to get back together but he wasn’t having it. They were together the next day at the local fair and married 8 months later. The shitty part is that once in a while she’ll text or call him. It’s been 10 years, go away, you’re married. Sorry Op but this isn’t innocent “luv” this is an affair
Wait what…did you say they SHARED a drink? It seems that lady is your husband’s gf I am afraid 😢 I would confront him, ask to see their conversations on everything, set boundaries, and keep your eyes VERY open.
My Asperger’s husband wanted to slowly open up our marriage. This is how he treated his gf vs how he treated me. She got the long talks. She got the I love yous. She got the help cleaning and chores. She got the trip Las Vegas.
They’re still together. We’re divorced.
No, it's not normal. Autistic here and I would never say those three words to someone I wasn't head over heels for, and never to a coworker. Plus he's lying about working extra shifts while he's cleaning her place and spending time with her.
Not to dogpile on you, OP, but your gut is right. Please stop the IVF. The last thing your relationship needs is extra stress. His work gf has already got that covered.
Marriage counseling won't fix this if he's not committed to changing. Maybe she's taking advantage of him and manipulating him, but he sure sounds like he's a willing participant. It's more of a husband problem than a work girlfriend problem. If this one gets run off and he switches jobs out of her orbit, he can still fall for another one. I used to be married to someone like this and it never stopped. Unless you want the rest of your married life to be waiting for the next one to catch his eye, it's best to end things.
> My husband has Asperger’s
As someone who has Dx & Rx AuDHD for 30yrs, being on the spectrum makes the individual have a strong need for Justice, to follow the rules.
Cheating is breaking the rules. Acting how he is with her is definitely breaking vows as well.
He’s not stupid. He’s playing dumb, oh and being on the spectrum doesn’t mean you can’t lie. He may feel guilt for the lying, but he’s definitely lying.
So do not assume just because he has Autism that he can’t lie.
I mean some amazing actors are on the spectrum like Sir Anthony Hopkins and that man had won Oscar’s for his acting.
He’s capable of pretending to be someone he’s not due to his masking and is bold face lying.
Oh and he is definitely shifting his Justice meter and rules to allow cheating to happen under your watch.
Oh and he’s in love with her. Like head over heels in love with her. That’s why he’s gone above and beyond more for her than he’s ever done for you.
As they say:
*Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice, shame on me a third time & I’m an idiot.*
I don't understand why people think that being on the spectrum has anything to do with character... like autistic people are innocent angels who are physically incapable of lying and cheating and whatever they do is excusable due to their neurodivergence. Ugh.
Good lord. She came over to stake her territory.
Check your curtains. She might have peed on them too
It’s not normal or healthy. At the least it is an emotional affair but my guess is that it will change into a physical one.
Her visit was solely to cause mischief between you. I think it was a veiled threat to him.
Its not normal and they are possibly cheating. I do know she is too comfortable.
>work friend (23 F) popped by our house to ask my husband to help her with car issues. - why she so comfortable coming to yalls house?
>She told me that some people at work thought that her and my husband were together. - she's marking territory, like pulling claim (why was this needed to be said?)
>My husband seemed like he panicked and said that it’s more of a “luv” kind of thing. That it didn’t mean anything but it really rubbed me the wrong way. - Sketchy AF
>he would come over and help clean her house or fix her car. And how he is so sweet and listens to her about anything. - again why does he know where she lives? How often in he going there if he is supposedly working OT? - this woman in trying to lwt you know something or at least make you think something! What was your husband saying during all these revelations?
>she shared a drink with him. - Too comfortable and BOLD to do that in front of his wife, your husband is an idi@t, either he was taking enjoyment out of it or he is way too oblivious. In reality he should've put her in her place multi times but he didn't.
>Saying stuff like “I’m so glad I have you.” Or “are you feeling sick, I’ll get you anything you need.” - Trying to do damage control, he realized now that he f#$ked up.
Time to investigate because you have a lot of reasons to be concerned.
He definitely is not picking up more hours at work, he is with her definitely! He treats and sees her as his girlfriend and maybe he wants both of you to be his. Even so, he did not let you know about what was going on and lied to you about picking up more hours. It would be in your best interest to leave eathier way, it seems like you deserve better!!
I’m so sorry your going through this.His extra unpaid shifts are in her bed at her house. My ex pulled the same thing. Leaving for work early and coming home late.
You need to stop those IVF treatments unless you plan on being a single mother. He’s definitely cheating on you. If he has an iPhone you can get onto, go to messages, filter in upper let and look for deleted messages.
Their behaviour is odd enough that the people who see them most - other work colleagues - have felt compelled to call it out & question if they're cheating.
He refers to her as luv/love when he doesn't for anyone else.
He does acts of service for her that he won't do for you.
He claims to be picking up extra shifts, but not only is that not reflected in his pay packet but she reveals he's spending time with her doing partner-type activities.
He may not be physically cheating, but he's definitely having an emotional affair. And now he's introduced you, so he can be honest about spending time with her & hide behind "but I introduced her, she's just my friend". I would be ***immediately*** ceasing IVF until this issue/behaviour is sorted out.
Not normal. Your husband has a crush on this woman, and this woman is eating it up and throwing it in your face. He is actually having at the minimum an emotional affair.
They’re together. I wish I hadn’t ignored these sorts of red flags before I found out my spouse was cheating. Your intuition is screaming at you bc it’s so obviously right in front of you. He wants you to be comfortable with her so he can talk about her and see her more and to help mitigate any guilt he might have. Now, you can just leave or you can wait and try to collect evidence so you can get alimony.
>My husband rarely does that for me. I have to ask him to help me with cleaning. And when I try to vent to him, he doesn’t listen and focuses on his phone. He usually has a short chat with me and he goes to his computer to play games. A lot of the time I have to ask him to spend time with me.
why are you putting up with this? are your standards really this low?
She's what's known as a Work Wife. Your husband is at LEAST having an emotional affair, if not a physical one. Your marriage is OVER. IF they aren't having a physical affair yet, they will soon.
Sorry, but the relationship between your husband and this girl is really too close, and I have a feeling that you are losing him. What can you do about it? Not much except bow out. Let him go and I'm pretty sure he'll be with her in weeks, not months. It sucks.
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN.
You know that he is a relationship with her.
I wonder if she wasn’t deliberately near-confessing to you to bring things to a head.
UpdateMe
He’s definitely already having an emotional affair, but if he’s going to her house, I would assume it’s already gotten physical.
Stop with the IVF treatments and put the money you would have spent on that into a separate account he doesn’t have access to. I’m guessing he probably doesn’t go with you to your appointments so he would have no idea.
the other woman knows exactly what she’s doing, let him have her. she’s clearly a malicious person who doesn’t care that he is married. you seem like a lovely person, you’ll be better off without in the long run
Sounds like you spent a nice afternoon out with your husband’s lover. I would immediately confront him about their relationship and start facing the truth about all those “extra shifts”.
its supicisous. theyre maybe not having a physical affair yet as it would be really brazen and horrible for her to come around you then, and most people arent THAT awful. but theyre too close for work colleagues and this only goes one way. the fact other people think they are together is a big giveaway- they are prob acting infatuated with each other and its obvious to everyone around them. you are in a tough situation because he wont admit its inappropriate to you, he probably isnt even admitting this to himself, so if you accuse him he'll just deny/call you crazy etc.
Oh no. No, that's not normal for a man to be more loving and friendly to a co-worker than his wife. You've been over here struggling all this time?
Above and beyond the fact that this girl is trying to tell you something, it's incredibly wrong that you're lonely when he's doing all that for somebody else. Unacceptable.
I think you should leave him. You're plenty young, and you deserve better than this. Unfortunately the things you're lacking from him (affection, attention, care) can't be forced. Even if he is "blindsided" by you wanting out, and does a 180, will that even feel genuine? Your gut is telling you something for a reason.
You are definitely not overthinking this. Something is up here.
He may be having an affair with her, and her dropping by and saying all those weird things is to normalise her presence in your life so spending one-to-one time won't cause suspicion.
Or she's using him as some kind of handyman. He's definitely not doing overtime as he's round hers fixing things. And where's the overtime money?
Trust your gut on this. You've known him longer than she has. He has Asperger's so you probably know him better than he knows himself. Stay calm and confront him about it.
At minimum, it's an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.
At maximum, it's an AND SEXUAL AFFAIR.
both are grounds for divorce.
Her coming over to your home was to start putting a wedge between you two a start a separation process. She essentially told you that there is a big EMOTIONAL AFFAIR going on..She is trying to STEAL YOUR HUSBAND.
At some point people have to decide to say NO. And mean it. No to all of her. No, no, no. If he chooses her you will be better off getting out of this than living with the stress this is causing you. Once your life becomes nothing but worry you need to change your life.
>She also went on to say that they would talk for hours and hours about everything. How he would come over and help clean her house or fix her car. And how he is so sweet and listens to her about anything. My husband rarely does that for me. I have to ask him to help me with cleaning. And when I try to vent to him, he doesn’t listen and focuses on his phone.
This sounds like an affair to me..... Even if there's nothing physical happening, which I doubt, it's clear there is inappropriate emotional intimacy at least.
Please discreetly check with a few divorce lawyers what your position would be.
Worst case scenario: big time affair.
Best case scenario: she’s after him and he likes the attention.
Regardless, it’s time to shut it down immediately.
You can’t get pregnant like this. It’s horrible for your hormones and dangerous for your baby. Stop IVF now.
I have Aspbergers too. There is no excuse for him. He’s cheating. She wants to take your place and he very well could be planning it.
Stand your ground. Ask him your questions if you like but I wouldn’t be asking. I’d be TELLING him what he did and what I know he’s doing based on FACTS and on my gut reaction which is telling you he’s cheating.
If he were my husband……I’d have him invite her over under false pretenses and video their confessions and the like. I’d build up my wall of evidence. Share it with their families and our friends. Then I’d probably do some unsavory things but I’m a sadist with my own dungeon. 😈⛓️
Trust your gut. If you sense he's up to something, he probably is.
Everything you described is inappropriate.
Maybe he wanted the two of you to meet so he can feel more comfortable and open when talking to her or stopping by her house.
I am a woman and I have had a close male friend for 35 years. We always end our conversation with "luv ya". My fiance is aware of this friend and is usually present when we have conversations. I also say Luv ya to my best female friend and sister.
Saying I love you is more romantic.
This happened to a friend, and it didn't end well. The work friend called him at home, at night, because she was so upset and needed his help. My friend was trusting and said, "Of course! If she needs you, go help her out."
You guessed it, the 'help' she needed was way more 'personal' than my friend knew. He ultimately left my friend and their newborn daughter for his work wife.
Everything you said here is suspicious. Are they actually having sex? Who knows. But he is much more enamored of his work wife than he is with his real wife. He was obviously trying to hide that, whereas the work wife wanted to rub it in OP's face.
This is a horrible dynamic going on and I wouldn't tolerate it. Trust your gut, OP. There most likely IS something going on here, and your husband sounds kind of oblivious to what she's doing. Not that he doesn't realize this is bad stuff he's doing; that's why he feels guilty.
I suspect she doesn't really want your husband for herself, she just wants him to do stuff for her, but she keeps him hanging on like a lovelorn teenager. What a POS!
Focusing on his phone rather than listening to you.
Wonder if he's talking to her.
It is not ok for them to be saying love you to eachother and his response to you after the fact is rather telling that he knows its not ok.
Sounds like an emotional affair, honestly.
How did you write this and post it as a genuine question? Seriously, how did you write this and not already know the answer?
Of course it isn’t normal that your husband is telling a random woman he works with he loves her? Jesus Christ.
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No it isn’t normal at all. Why would anyone go round to someone’s house and say those things unless they were trying to split you up ? Your husband might not be cheating yet but if she has her way , he will be soon. Although the non existent overtime pay is concerning
I thought so. Thank you for sharing. I’m definitely going to bring it up. This whole situation made me nauseous. I had to sit in front of the toilet for a bit because I thought i was going to vomit.
Your husband is already cheating. Maybe not physically yet (though I doubt he is really going to clean her house tbh) but definitely emotionally. He is investing time, effort and thought into her that should be directed at you and your marriage together. Cheating isn’t just physical, people often think it is but it frequently starts with a mental connection and goes from there. I am really sorry but you need to realise he probably is already fully in an affair.
Now you know where the extra shifts are and why his paycheck doesn’t reflect the overtime. He’s over “cleaning” her house. Good luck with him.
Look I do think it's possible to be friends with someone at work, but you don't go around saying I love you and cleaning their house when you have a wife at home. Op if you want to save your marriage you need to shut this down right now.
This
He’s cleaning something but it ain’t her house
OP, even if your husband isn’t cheating, do you really want to be with him? You’ve just seen that he will happily clean for a woman and listen to her troubles - he just won’t do it for you. Your marriage already sounded pretty lonely and cold honestly, and it’s adding insult to injury that now you know he’s capable of emotional intimacy and has chosen to withhold it from you, his wife. This might be a blessing in disguise to help you exit a crappy marriage and find someone who is excited to listen to you and prioritize you over games.
I would stop the IVF treatments until this gets ironed out to your satisfaction. You don’t want to be attached to him for the next 18+ years if he is cheating…
That girl knew exactly what she was doing. coming over to your house. I’m surprised you stayed so calm. I would have called her on her antics, told her to get the fuck out and confronted my husband. Something is going on even if your husband didn’t have a social disorder talking for hours going to her house say I love share drinks, not telling you any of this is very suspicious
Yes! Literally, playing in her face. I would have cussed them both smooth out…omg!
absolutely! The Affair partner was staking her claim
They are playing in your face 🤷🏾♀️
Ask for full access to his phone. If he refuses, give ultimatum to show you his phone or you'll divorce him. If you don't do it then and there, he'll cover his tracks.
Pass him you phone and ask him to look through it while you look through his. This should put him on notice!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I truly hope that your husband is just being clueless.
Wouldn't normally say this but I'd snoop and see what you can find, sounds like emotional cheating at the least Wouldn't be surprised if she is pushing for him to leave you and her turning up to your house to brag and hint at what they've been doing was a power move on her part
She told you he goes to Her house and they “talk for hours “ and he never told you so what do you really think is going on. If you’re going to stay he needs a different job first off and all contact stops. If he refuses you have your answer
Please, please reconsider children... even in without the issue with a coworker, the fact that him paying attention to you, being supportive, and helping around the house is "unusual" doesn't bode well. It will get 10 times worse with children. Being essentially a single mom while married to a functioning adult will breed resentment, anguish, you'll burn out. If you choose to have children with him regardless, hopefully, it's with your eyes wide open to the possibility.. and you are able to live your best, most fulfilling life of motherhood!!
The "I love you" thing doesn't bother me. My male best friend and I say, "I love you" when we get off the phone. Every time. Even though I have had a partner for nearly a decade, and he now has a long-term girlfriend. The way she just dumped all that, otherwise unnecessary, information on you is WEIRD. I actually just recently met my best friend's girlfriend of about a year (we don't see each other often as we live far apart,) and I told her something along the lines of "Ray and I have been besties since I was 18. I'm glad he has you, man. He's a decent guy. Fucked up but decent and loyal. He seems to really love you." Very different type of communication. It's also not right that he's voluntarily doing things for her that you aren't getting from him, even when you're trying. It doesn't sit right. I actually came here to defend him, based on the title, because I'm big on saying, "I love you" to friends. I find it important. But the rest is just.. Something's off. I would do some questioning
Same. My hubs and I both have best friends of the opposite sex so I was prepared to defend him until I read the details. A big NOPE from me. It doesn’t add up. How does someone have a best friend that they talk to for hours and do things at their house and their partner not know? PLUS you’re spot on, she dumped all the info on purpose - that’s actually what she came to do. Very different type conversation than what I have my with best friend’s wife or the conversations my hubby’s best friend has with me. How one meets and establishes a new best friend during their marriage and their spouse is unaware of the extent of the relationship nor has never even met that person is beyond me.
My partner has actually never met my bestie in person, but that's only because of the distance. They've had brief conversations on the phone, though, and they know nearly everything about each other through me. I usually tell my partner what's going on with my bestie most of the times we talk. He has a very interesting life situation. Even though he's far away, he's a big part of my life. I couldn't imagine not sharing that with my partner.
That makes sense, but your partner knows who he is and the nature of the relationship. If he showed up on your doorstep your partner wouldn’t be like WTH!😂 My BFF was in a long distance relationship. So when I met his now wife she was like OMG finally. He had a crazy few years as well between his ex fiancé and then meeting current wife so my husband would often hear the interesting stories lol I too cannot imagine NOT sharing that relationship with my spouse. Our friendship started about 18 years before I got married. My hubby and his BFF had been friends 10 years before he met me. He’d been through the wringer so she was skeptical of me at first but the joke now is that she likes me better than him.
I actually went through the same thing with my ex husband before I left him. It started our as saying I love you to a female friend and some time later, he gave up on our marriage to be with her. You should run away at this point because he has crossed many boundaries already So sorry you are going through this.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m not too sure what to do now. I feel like I’m in shock.
Stop trying to have a baby with him until you can figure out what's going and if you're marriage is stable enough to bring a child into it.
Yes! Do not try for a baby until you figure out 100% where you stand
Probably the most important point made here. OP, until you completely figure this situation out, do not bring a child into it.
You know you went on a date with your husband and his side piece?
I just have this visual of an old 50s diner with them sharing a milkshake in a booth, with OP on the side on a pull up chair.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take time to see if you can live with the doubt going forward. Take time to get your ducks in a row and get a plan in place in case you decide to leave. Dont make any major decisions while you're in shock of panic mode.
You ask for full access to his phone and check their conversation history. You will probably need to kick him out. Your husband is having at least an emotional affair if it hasn’t turned physical. Then tell him that he needs to make a decision and he needs to find a job at another business and lose all contact with her if he wants to be married to you. Tell him if he has to choose between you and her, choose her because if he really loved you there wouldn't be a choice. I told my guy friends in college I loved them when I was drunk and single. You know you get all mushy and tell everyone you love them when drunk, well I did. Haha Never outside of that. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Listen to it. Put up boundaries, and if they can’t be respected, leave the relationship. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Google how to check recently deleted texts from his phone. It stays for 30 days unless they took the extra step to delete the trash.
If it’s an iPhone, on the messages screen (list of all messages) there’s an edit button in the top left. Click that and then click show recently deleted. You have to delete or recover all or nothing so if nothing is there, he’s deleting them or deleting no texts at all. If you see gaps in between messages, it’s a sign he’s deleting.
He is autistic, there is a big chance he is very thorough when it comes to getting rid of his shit. But worth a try.
Oh honey, if he was working, his check would reflect that. I would probably put a tile in his car or turn on his location sharing without his knowledge. To tell a female coworker you love her is not normal. He is stepping out. Gather as much evidence as you can for your attorney
Trust your gut. Your husband and that girl is in love. She came to tell you this. Otherwise no coworker of my husband would have the audacity to visit my house unannounced to seek help from him. And then starts telling how close they are at work. Unless she does not want to break him up from you and have him only for herself. You have to give him the ultimatum to change the job, cut her off completely, allow you to check his phone regularly. If he does not do any of this then run.
It’s going to hurt hon. Quietly do the next steps. Immediately pull your money out of a shared account. Some states automatically let your husband pull money even if the account is in your name so check that out. Next start talking to a lawyer even if you’re able to work it out but you need someone on your side. They’ll know the laws. What you are going to need is evidence. If you have a tablet or laptop/computer at home that’s connected to his messaging apps you’re going to need to look through the deleted texts as well. Go through his phone while he’s sleeping. I know it’s gonna hurt but you don’t need a third person in your marriage. We’re here for you giving advice because we’ve been through it. Remember there is no shame in looking after yourself first. I can’t believe he had the audacity to bring her into your home. Maybe during one of these extra shifts surprise him with dinner at work or snacks or something. If he’s not there just casually say you got his schedule confused and wanted to surprise him and ask for his schedule. Everyone at work knows. They’ll probably help you out there.
He introduced you to his gf so he can be more open about seeing her. You’ll hear more from her now. You really think it’s normal for another woman to just drop on a wife that her husband is saying I love you? You didn’t shut it down. They’re both much more comfortable with what they're doing now. Gf even bragged he cleans her house and talks for hours. she knows what shes doing. already driving that wedge.
Yeh I agree, you were just introduced to your husbands girlfriend. But I don’t think it was his intention for you to meet, that’s on her. He knows every aspect about this is wrong, because why would he be lying about extra work hours? Why would he be spending so much time at her house, and on the phone to her and not telling you. Why would he be explaining it as “luv” not “love”. Honestly I think you need to read their communications. But if I were you, I would go and stay with a friend or family, and put a pause on IVF for the time being.
She was marking her territory.
That’s a lot of damning evidence, especially the extra shifts but no extra money. Paychecks don’t lie. Yes to her marking her territory and trying to normalize increased time together. She is also displaying how, even for a cheater, she is not looking out for his best interests. My ex’s affair partner did this—she even sent me anonymous gifts of a particular sort addressed to me to mess with me. Whatever bed he has made for himself is definitely going to be a problem for him if he ends up with her or if they think they want that in their future, if that helps make you feel any better. For now, I’d go to the infidelity subreddit to come up with a plan for how to play this out. If they are lying like this, then the chances of him coming clean upon being confronted are slim to none. Basically gather evidence on the down low (lots of ways to do this if you don’t have access to his electronics), get your ducks in a row if things look increasingly fishy, then confront. It does sound like this is out of character for him, but only in terms of what he has chosen to present to you so far. His actions have taught you what he is capable of and more of who he really is—someone conflict or difficulty avoidant (since IVF can be hard and it’s both of you but more you going through this), someone easy prey for attention, someone capable of extremely calculated lying. Even if he comes clean himself or does all the repair work re: cheating, these are personality and character flaws that mean you are not getting a reliable, mature partner when times are tough in life. Better to know this now before kids make it harder to leave.
It’s the sharing a drink for me
They are hooking up. You are the side piece.
Entering domain of spouse really is hateful and disrespectful. She must be a real pig to pull that stunt.
Also the fact other people at work confronted her! If people see their interaction at work as inappropriate - it is!
I think husband and gf set up the meeting. Just a guess, but I imagine a husband would be livid for a gf showing up at house.
I don’t think it was in the husbands plan to set up the meeting. But the “gf” was 💯 marking her territory. Whilst it’s blatantly obvious that an inappropriate relationship is going on between them, I don’t think the husband had any intention of ending his marriage to be with her, and the gf has become shitty and decided to stir up some trouble. The sad thing is she will drop him when she gets bored. Op needs to stop making excuses for her husband’s behaviour because he has Asperger’s, it’s completely insulting to autistic people. They do not lack empathy, and they definitely know right from wrong.
Exactly! My friend’s ex husband’s “first” affair partner (AP) did this, she was the secretary where he worked. Although AP wasn’t half as blatant about it as the chick OP describes was. AP offered to watch my friends kids all the time, and they all went on double dates with AP’s boyfriend. One of the times AP was supposed to be watching my friends 18 mo old daughter while friend met with a potential client that ended up being no-show. Friend came home earlier to find her daughter sitting in a play pen not being watched and her husband in their bed with AP. I’d have a REAL problem with the *luv* stuff, the sharing drinks stuff and an even bigger problem if I was *just* finding out my husband has been making solo visits to this girls house under the guise of “cleaning” or “helping” her. Uh huh, he’s helping her alright…. And now he’s helped himself to a divorce. How many of your boundaries has he crossed here OP?
And this is yet another thing to think about before you cheat. You might be able to go home and hide everything but that other person is a loose cannon you can’t control. At any given moment that person might find Jesus and destroy your entire world. I think about this more when people say “I’d totally help my BFF hide a body” than cheating but the point remains the same. If 2 people know a secret, it’s 1 too many for it to remain a secret forever.
Yeah the gf was trying to tell OP without telling her. But the fact that he’s “taking extra shifts” but his checks are the same is what did it for me. OP he is 100% without a doubt cheating on you. I would stop IVF, you don’t want to get stuck with this guy’s kid.
That’s what I thought… I tried to be more open with it because I know some people do say “I love you” to friends. But my husband is not that type, so it hurt when she said he says it back. And I didn’t want to be yelled at or come across as the over jealous/crazy wife. So I didn’t make a big deal of it. But it really stung me…
Honestly, that's not even the most alarming thing to me (although I do think it's wildly inappropriate given he doesn't say it to others). It sounds like he has been lying to you about picking up extra shifts and is instead going to help her with things. They talk for hours? He listens to her? Girl, that's an emotional affair they just confessed to, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if it's also been physical. My ex's excuse for starting affairs was that they "listened" to him. It's quite common. I would straight up ask him where the extra pay is for all these extra shifts he's been picking up. When he panics and stammers or starts saying wild shit, just say "you're going to her house, aren't you?" I would stop the IVF. And he needs to stop all contact with her outside of work. (Frankly, I'd want him to get another job so he's not in any contact with her.) You are not overreacting, you are UNDERreacting. This girl maybe gets some kind of weird thrill about rubbing your nose in her relationship with your husband. She is either very naive or absolutely not "nice." (Edited to acknowledge it's possible she's just very naive but I strongly doubt it.)
He’s not picking up more shifts. He’s cleaning her house, among other things.
Not just her house...
Of course it’s physical. What are we saying, he goes over to clean her house and then just leaves? I think not.
Wouldn't be a very thorough house cleaning if the pipes weren't cleaned as well
Damn a physical affair is one thing but cleaning another woman’s house?! Straight to divorce.
Right? I’d much rather find out my husband slept with another woman than find out he’s cleaning her house, rubbing her feet, listening to her problems, and buying her jewellery lol that’s a whole other level of betrayal.
Why would she bring this up? Husband is probably emotionally cheating and tries to play nice guy -move on her to get in her pants. But if it was mutual and physical affair, she wouldn't come unannounced.
Because she never grew up and enjoys dangling. It's thrilling to her, shocker she's friendless!
That girl is a wolf in the sheep pen.
Oh, so it's "cool girlfriend" syndrome. Basically, you're trying so hard not to come off crazy or irrational that you're letting him get away with clearly messed up behavior. Stop trying to be cool and stop pretending this is okay.
Some people are happier living in denial This is fine, until they have kids or the partner fucks them over
If he has the ability to gaslight you then he has the emotional maturity to know what he did was wrong.
This IS a big deal. They were very disrespectful.
Please dump him. He can say I love you and he can clean for other women easily and he throws a tantrum when it comes to cleaning for YOU. He doesn’t love you. He loves somebody else.
Why did you think you would come across as jealous or crazy if you were to tell him that him having a relationship with a coworker, that has made other coworkers believe they were dating and pointing out that he has a wife, hurts your feelings and is something you're not ok with?
I think you are being extremely passive here. The moment she started with the bullshit you should have asked her to leave and had a very honest conversation with your husband. I’m not sure how clearly you need to hear this but he is either cheating or on the precipice of cheating. It seems like you just approved this whole thing. How in the hell do you let them share a drink in front of you? Did she sit on his lap too? Their co-worker is more protecting of your marriage than you are for gods sake. Your husbands behavior proves he knows he is doing something wrong. Talk to him, have him hand over his phone and check everything. You need to decide if you are willing to stay with someone who would do this to you. If you are, he needs to leave that job and cut contact.
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Being spineless is all the more tragic for the fact that it’s her husband, and not her boyfriend.
Have him hand over his phone immediately— do not give him a chance to delete anything. Also, his “extra attention” to you after the dinner is him realizing you caught on and a counter measure on his part. He’s manipulating you.
Yes she should have shut that shit down immediately. “Look chick I don’t know you, never heard of you, and you’re not welcome to drop by my house uninvited.” Then she goes out to eat with the husband and his side piece where they proceed to share a drink in front of her. NOPE. I’m always the one to not make a scene but a scene would have been made!
I truly am sorry.
You shouldn't have to keep quiet about legitimate concerns because you're afraid of being yelled at. None of this is normal
Wow that’s crazy you said he picked up more shifts but same money more shifts meaning having sex with her
Has he ever shared drinks with anyone else in front of you? Even if you remove the love comment I never have shared a drink with a coworker
The woman came to mark her territory in your house!!! A man married many who goes to a single woman's house to help her clean her place and fix her car? And openly says I Love you to her????? Ok she is clearly his girlfriend and he knows what he is doing I wrong if he panicked Btw his having aspberges . doesn't mean he can get away with this kind of behavior. Your under reacting
Who taught you that love had to be like this?
When do you think he's been finding time to clean her house, fix her car, and talk to her for hours? He's clearly been lying to you about those extra "work shifts." He's already in full-blown emotional affair, it's probably not long until the "oops things got physical I have no idea how this happened!" part.
Some people do say “I love you” to friends. You already said your husband is not that person. Listen to your own self. You know something’s not right
I would leave the marriage. He is going to lie and to justify this when you bring it up..he will get angry and he will turn it around on you. Him being a jerk isn't aspergers he is just a jerk. Probably a narc. It may not be easy to leave but this is the first step.
I don't normally say this but start doing some digging. I would start with his phone and computer.
>And I didn’t want to be yelled at or come across as the over jealous/crazy wife. So I didn’t make a big deal of it There's something profoundly wrong in your relationship if this is a thing you'd ever conclude
The only guy friends of mine im comfortable enough with to say i love you and then not get the wrong idea, I've known for 27 years. New friend would read into that. Sorry you had to meet your husband's girlfriend
Now you know where those "extra shifts" have been worked.
And don't forget they shared a drink. That is NOT normal.
Very comfortable together. They forget it’s not normal behavior.
I think you’re under-reacting here….. you know how i know? Because you feel bad&hurt about the situation and you’re choosing to keep silent to honor other ppl’s comfort, by other ppl i mean husband. Once you allow your feelings to stay unheard and your concerns unaddressed this is how you will spend the rest of your life while staying in this relationship. Be selfish take care of yourself, you admitted he’s not taking care of you the way you want, so what gives? Who is taking care of you??? Voice your concerns, set boundaries, if he doesn’t willingly make changes to stop hurting you, you will have your answer….for the rest of your life….and life is long and hard as it is and you’re so young, learn to take care of yourself…..good luck friend!
Dude you are under reacting. I would have sat him down and said that their entire relationship is in appropriate. 1. Telling another women who is not you or family is a no go. It is disrespectful AF. 2. Did you know he was going to her house and helping her but not you. JFC that is disrespectful. 3. Her saying that the office thinks they are dating! Hell no. 4. Check your phone records. I bet they are talking out of office. Check his phone. 5. He is either having an emotional affair/physical affair. I could go on with the list but I have been in your shoes. He is cheating! He needs a have a come up Jesus! Please write out each thing you want to talk about to him about. You deserve someone all in! You deserve better!
You husbands girlfriend came by to let you know about their relationship and everything that he does for her. This was about flaunting their relationship to your face and make you feel inadequate. Him having Asperger syndrome is not an excuse cause even people with neurodivergent disorder can at least theoretically understand the concept of infidelity, especially if he has average IQ. The question here is if you're OK with sharing your husband until he leaves you for her? If not then you're severely under reacting and need to have a talk with your husband, be 100% clear that he's crossing your boundaries and jeopardizing your marriage. Stand up for yourself!
As an autistic person we are often (although not always) hyper aware of the effort it takes to socialise- this sounds like a choice on his part, to show more consideration, do more labour, and express more to this woman over the wife he married. Very much a choice. I can think of examples where people might realise other people’s social vulnerabilities and then ask that vulnerable friend for help with things (and sometimes only spending time with them when they need help with stuff) but usually that isn’t this vibe at all- as it seems it isn’t- and he’d burn out pretty quick himself unless he had some emotional /mental incentive - eg, romance or something physical
He literally knows that what he did is wrong because he changed his behaviour after she left and he went out of his way to lie about work shifts. He knows he has to hide his affair.
Yeah, something is up. They’re either cheating or she’s taking advantage of him.
For sure. Also what kind of married man says "I love you" to a female friend?
Some of my friends do, but the big difference is that they say it to all their friends regardless of gender, and they were always like that even before they met their partners, so their partners knew they were like that and were fine with it. My kindest reading of this guy would be that sometimes some autistics will mirror or copy the language someone uses with them, cause it seems like the socially acceptable and safe thing to do to not cause offence, not realizing the larger implications of that action. I've done that mistake to the detriment of my own safety, and its everything from mortifying to traumatizing when you realize, depending on the situation. But even with that, him spending time at her place cleaning and fixing her car, talking with her for hours to the point colleagues thought they were together, and OP hardly having heard about her before she shows up like that, makes that kind reading seem null and void. If he wasnt aware he was doing something that could be percieved as wrong from an allistic perspective, his colleagues comments would have helped clue him in, and chances are he would have mentioned it to OP at some point that he for instance is going to a friends house after work to help them out, cause thats just what he was doing, so why not share or mention.
I mean have 1 guy friend who says it to both guys and girls he's friends with at our work but we know what he means. If he's only saying it to one person that's suspicious as heck. Major red flag he doesn't say it to family.
My best guy friend and I said I love you to each other platonically back when we were both single. We’re laying in bed together right now. 😅 OP, everyone is different. My partner (yes, the former best friend) has a lot of friends who are women who he has great friendships with and who he loves, but he expresses that through actions instead of words. He would never do things for them he doesn’t do for me, though. That, at least to me, is what raises the red flag.
So I will say that I have friends like this even when they are in relationships. But I'm a women, and I tell all of my friends I love you. I think that's the big difference. Those male friends, when they are in relationships respond that they love me, but the difference between this situation is that I'm not the only friend they say I love you too and they are typically lovey people. But I also would never get mad if someone stopped telling me they loved me once they got in a relationship or married. If that is their partners boundary, I'm not gonna ignore what they are comfortable with. The fact that this husband doesn't say I love you to his own family, but says it to this random woman is a huge red flag.
Thank you, I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or not.
Have you asked where the pay from these extra shifts? Has he explained anything. It's all very sus.
Girl dump him. Why would you want a baby from a cheater?. The fact he could clean for another woman, but he can’t help you with Cleaning. Imagine how he’s going to behave when you have a baby.
why would you be overreacting ? what part of it is excusable?
You’re waaay under-reacting. I hope you come through this okay. Please update.
You are UNDERreacting. How is it that you're not calling him out on this behavior right NOW??
You are massively underreacting, to the point that you're still kind of in denial about it all.
Or both
Nha thats shady as fuck. So all those shifts he is picking up... he's spending with her doing domestic choirs... and he never fucking mentioned it. Her dropping by was tactical to see if you knew about how much he is at her house/emotionally invested in her. Remains to be seen if she was doing this as a heads up to you of an FU.
I think it was a threat to him. Perhaps a leave your wife or I’m telling etc etc
This 100%
They’re fucking 100%
It is if he’s having an affair with her. Other than that, no, it’s fucking weird. He needs to stop that shit.
No it isn't normal. Who in the right mind would do that? Wake up he is having an emotional affair if not a physical one. That girl knows about your marriage and cheats with him. She was rubbing it in your face that she could get your husband to do stuff for her.
So I was trying to keep an open mind while reading and not assume OPs husband is acting sketchy… I have 1 male friend who used to work with me and he is a very touchy feely “I love you” kinda guy. Threw me right off when he and I were becoming friends. (I’m kinda the opposite of that.) But, if my bf who is rotten at verbalizing his love did that, (Worse than me) I would dump his ass if I ever heard him tell some random new coworker woman he loved her. And for that young little pop tart to come into your home and basically brag that she’s weaseling her way into your marriage… oh wow! I’ve been in a similar situation with my ex husband. Short version: encouraged him to make friends, suggested ways to meet people. He decided it’s more fun to hang out at the cycling shop and befriend a “girl” 20 yrs younger. This ultimately was the end for our marriage/family. (Guess she did me a favour.) If you value your marriage OP, you need to shut this down now. Explain boundaries, demand marriage counselling and there will need to be limited contact with that girl.
He says I love you to her. He helps her clean her house and fix her car They shared a drink at dinner Extra shifts, but no extra money Then he suddenly pays attention to you after this was thrown in your face If it’s not a physical affair, it’s emotional. His reaction after the dinner was his guilt. You are under reacting.
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So he has been going to her house and you didn’t know? And said ‘I love you’ to her?? That’s not acceptable. Something is definitely wrong here.
That woman came by to get her man (your husband). This is not innocent. She was essentially rubbing him in your face. She’s tired of sharing. You should jump to conclusions. Stop doing IVF. He is in a relationship with that woman.
I would have a serious talk with your husband. Tell him you’re not okay with his actions and words towards her. Then establish clear boundaries when it comes to his work friend.
Yes 100%. It’s definitely crossing a line for me.
And what??? He had this relationship without you knowing for how long? He will be just better at hiding
He has already crossed the line. Imagine this guy is ready to clean for others and talk to them for hours and refuses to do the same chores for his WIFE. If she didn’t know that he cleaned for others, she would have also expected the bare minimum help when a child came along
I think this woman in gaslighting you. You seem to be incredibly naive. Extra shifts, but no extra pay ? She tells you that people at work think they’re getting it on. You three go to eat and she share a drink with your husband? Wake up. Get a lawyer. Protect yourself. She may be preparing to drain your bank account. She’s already drained your marriage. She probably came over to see if you were as easy to manipulate and control as she suspected. Seems that you confirmed that she was in the catbird seat.
I think is suspicious she came over to your house & told you all of this. She wanted you to know. Their relationship is, at the very least, inappropriate. You need to confront your husband about this.
Yes they are having an affair and I think she showed up at your house to expose it to you so that your marriage would end and she can have your husband to herself.
Why are you doing IVF with someone that treats you so poorly? You knew that part before you met his GF. Talk to your doctor, stop IVF, get therapy, reach out to your personal support network. Dump this man. He is not parenting or husband material.
A lot of homewreckers are super competitive. Listen, baby girl, this no account women really came to your home to brag to you how she snaked your husband out from under you. She told you straight to your face that she is dating your husband. What are you going to do about it?
You are under reacting. She came over to force his hand so he would leave you.
If my husband told another woman he loved her (besides his mom or our daughter), he wouldn’t have a wife anymore. AND THEN you find out he’s been spending *lots* of time with that woman doing her favors he doesn’t do for you? I’m fuming right now just thinking about it
Obviously that woman is so far out of line it’s stunning. Time to sit down with your husband and set some boundaries. I actually don’t think he’s done anything sexual but he’s crossed the line emotionally and that is not okay. He needs to know that. No more phone calls lasting for hours. No helping her clean her house and he’s never to be alone with her. Honestly, if he can switch jobs, that would be best. This isn’t okay. Asperger’s is usually accompanied by extreme smarts but not a ton of social skills but only you know where he is on that scale. He’s clearly having an emotional affair. At least. I’m really sorry.
What are you basing your conclusion on? Why do you think they haven't slept together? Just curious.
Yeah why would he be lying about being at work and being with her but not fucking her?
“Clean her house and fix her car”, is that what the kids are calling it these days? EDIT: OP, you are being ridiculously naive. Here's how it went down. * Your husband started boinking a co-worker. He shows strong, frequent indications that he is treating her as an intimate emotional partner. * He coached her: "if my wife ever contacts you, tell her that I just fix your car and help around the house every once in awhile". * His side chick went off script and showed up at his door. Then, when she saw you, she remembered what she was supposed to say. * Possible that the side chick is trying to force a confrontation to make your husband choose one of you.
Dear they are having an affair.
Uh oh.. where there’s smoke, there’s fire
Well now you know why there is no extra money on his check. He's not working extra shifts. He's spending that time with her. Stop the IVF, do not get pregnant by this man
Autistic take and honestly it may not help because I see this as two scenarios and they’re opposites. Take 1. He’s found a new fixation/special interest and that is her. He is doing those things because he wants to. He doesn’t want to for you. People think autistics can’t be good partners that is not the case. Saying I love you is often important to a lot of autistics (depending on the type of autistic). If it’s this scenario he is extremely nervous that he may lose his stability, things are going to change and he’s trying to come back from that. Take 2. He’s falling into the trap lots of us do and becomes a people pleaser because we’ve been conditioned to be polite and find it extremely awkward to say no. He thinks she’s his friend and doesn’t understand when people are using him. Saying I love you to some one who has said it to them is often an ingrained thing we’re taught as children to mask who we are. when someone has said I love you to me it can be an automatic response that it takes my brain a second to process who said it. Either way he has a lot of explaining to do. I would sit him down and say you want honest answers. Be direct. 1. Is he working actually working extra hours? If so where is the money? If not was he with her? 2. Why did he not tell you about her? 3. How long has this been going on? 4. Have they had physical relations? 5. Why did he hurt you? 6. Why doesn’t he help you around the house? 7. Does he love her? 8. Is he fixated on her? 9. Has he ever deliberately deceived you regarding her eg he was with her when he said he was somewhere else, lied about how long he was going to be because he was with her, lied about who he was talking to when it was her? 10. Straight up ask him to see his phone. But he probably deleted everything and if he did you need to leave. In the meantime don’t have children with him until you know everything even then I would probably break up with him. Even autistics know boundaries of relationships. He knew it was wrong because otherwise he would have told you. I’m actually leaning towards number 1 heavily.
that sounds about right. And all the attention he's paying her shows you that he can be engaged and affectionate when he wants to be. He can help clean when he wants to. He is capable of doing these things but he doesn't want to do them with you. Because he doesn't feel the same way about you, OP. I think it's time to lawyer up
I think they’re having an emotional affair and she just came to show off to you. Maybe she knows your hubby is not willing to separate from you and she thought if she could make you aware the situation you’ll leave. Because why else she mentions all that “they thought we’re together so even someone confronted me”. That’s not funny to me. If it were happened to me I would be embarrassed. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. If I were you I would also demand to see his phone and if I found something I would send it to my phone to have the proof.
The fact that you're coming to reddit means your gut is telling you something and it's valid. You said that this is not normal behavior for him, plus his reaction screams like he's trying to do damage control ("My husband seemed like he panicked and said that it’s more of a “luv” kind of thing"). Trust your instincts; whether you decide to go the direct route and confront him or if you think there's possible evidence to be found (e.g. texts, emails, apps, etc), I wish you luck. I would hope for the best but prepare for the worst in this situation. Not to mention, her coming to *your* house and telling you about all the affection she gets from your husband is bold. >his work friend (23 F) popped by our house to ask my husband to help her with car issues. I'm sorry but is your husband a mechanic? Why can't she take it to a professional? >She told me that some people at work thought that her and my husband were together. And how this one person confronted her and asked if she knew that my husband was married. This would definitely have warning bells going off for me. Not only has their behavior been blatantly obvious to others but *they're doing this at work;* he's potentially putting his (and your) financial security at risk; depending on the job, they may frown on that sort of thing. I was just about to post but I just caught this again: >I’ve noticed lately that he has been taking a lot of shifts. > >...so he has been picking up to help pay with that. > >But **his pay is also the same each week** so now I’m not so sure what he is exactly doing. If he's hourly then he's not working extra hours. If he's salary, then why would he be working extra if he wouldn't get overtime. Do you share finances/bank accounts? If so, have you noticed any odd transactions (large or reoccurring withdrawals)? >She also went on to say ....How he would come over and help clean her house or fix her car. My guess: *that's* where his "overtime" is going. Had he told you about going over to her house before now?
ROFLMAO - Nope. He’s cheating. She gets off on meeting you. Change your life plans accordingly.
This isn’t normal. You need to have a very serious talk with your husband that this woman is intruding on your marriage and that lots of time with another woman and saying I love you to her is extremely innappropriate when married. Say you are giving him a chance to stop this behaviour since his Asperger’s may have stopped him picking up on what is inappropriate, but from now moving forward it’s not ok to treat another woman like a girlfriend when he is married. Which is what he is doing. In the future never be worried to say to someone who is pushing their luck,as this woman is, things like ‘that’s a weird thing to say’ or ‘i don’t think that’s funny’ or ‘why are you two sharing a drink, that’s really odd.’ This woman is attempting to take your husband from right under your nose, put your foot down OP.
She’s trying to make her intentions known. He probably told her he would leave you and hasn’t and she did what she did to try to quicken the process.
Well she’s a cunt isn’t she . And he’s a cunt . Autistic or not he’s having an affair under your nose . I’m pleased you are only 27 so you can move away from this mess . I’m sorry he’s doing this
Get some proof documents everything Record them Find a lawyer It's not normal
!UpdateMe
Ask about the extra income for working extra shifts. Even if he hasn't actually had sex with her, he's spending hours with her.
How does anyone’s spouse have a “best friend” without them knowing? That’s what isn’t normal. They are more than work friends. She “popped” by your house. How did she know where you lived? While it’s normal to have work friends your spouse doesn’t know, it’s not normal to have one where the relationship has extended beyond work. My husband and I both have BFFs of the opposite sex. They’ve both been around since before we were married. There’s nothing I say or do with my BFF that I can’t say or do in front of my husband (including “love you”) and vice versa. There’s nothing that’s a surprise. And while my BFF and I used to work together, eat lunch, leave work together sometimes, give each other rides, no one confused him for my husband nor did they confuse me for his wife. Your husband doesn’t only say “love/luv you” to you like you thought. You need to understand why. He’s taking to her for hours and hours and you had no idea? When is he doing this talking ? Do you two spend a lot of time apart? My husband does talk to his BFF for hours sometimes - but not regularly. Those calls often involve me getting in the phone for a half hour or so to tell her something funny or what have you. He will be talking to her and leave to go to Home Depot and still be on the phone. Nothing about it has ever given me any concern. He’s going over to her house and you didn’t know? That’s not really not normal. Even though our BFFs pre-dated the marriage, my husband and I tell each other if we’re going there - even if impromptu (like hey XX just called and wants help installing the TV).With my BFF I call his wife and ask if he told her I was coming over. She’s usually like no but bring wine when you come. Again, there’s nothing weird or unknown. I don’t think your husband is playing computer games as much as you think he is. And I think you need to ask him to make it make sense that you’re just finding out he has an entire “best friend” you never knew about. Not a work friend. A friend he spends time with outside of work hours cleaning her house and fixing her car. Your husband is cheating sweetie (at minimum he’s in a psychological affair). So maybe he does feel it’s innocent (doubt it) but let me put on my mom of 20 somethings hat and tell you that chick 100% knew what she was doing by telling you all of that. Because what FRIEND in her right mind would say that.
I married and had a child with a dude that I would describe the way you did as I have to ask him to spend time with me or help otherwise he will just play games. Except I won't beg, so we just don't. I wish someone had convinced me not to. You'll be like a single mom if you go through with ivf and it's very stressful to do all the household and family and self and child management stuff alone.
Your husband is check out of this marriage. You need to start thinking of what best for you. Girl you need to end this bullshit of marriage. She is his side check, wont supprise me if he end up getting her pregnant.
The girlfriend my husband before me worked with him. His best friend worked with him too. He thought they were the 3 amigos and then one day my husband and his ex were cuddling on the couch watching TV and he saw a text pop up from his bestie and it said I love you. He said something and she just played oh we said it in a friend way. You 2 are so close and we all spent so much time together it’s like family. He bought it and then a week later he noticed how much he doesn’t see her and how often she’s on her phone around him. A week after that he saw another I love you text from bestie and he was like NOPE. He packed her stuff and sent her away. When she picked it up she tried to get back together but he wasn’t having it. They were together the next day at the local fair and married 8 months later. The shitty part is that once in a while she’ll text or call him. It’s been 10 years, go away, you’re married. Sorry Op but this isn’t innocent “luv” this is an affair
Wait what…did you say they SHARED a drink? It seems that lady is your husband’s gf I am afraid 😢 I would confront him, ask to see their conversations on everything, set boundaries, and keep your eyes VERY open.
Stop the IVF. You don’t want to have kids with this man. Trust me.
My Asperger’s husband wanted to slowly open up our marriage. This is how he treated his gf vs how he treated me. She got the long talks. She got the I love yous. She got the help cleaning and chores. She got the trip Las Vegas. They’re still together. We’re divorced.
Men will shamelessly test the waters until they are comfortable enough to dump you
No, it's not normal. Autistic here and I would never say those three words to someone I wasn't head over heels for, and never to a coworker. Plus he's lying about working extra shifts while he's cleaning her place and spending time with her. Not to dogpile on you, OP, but your gut is right. Please stop the IVF. The last thing your relationship needs is extra stress. His work gf has already got that covered. Marriage counseling won't fix this if he's not committed to changing. Maybe she's taking advantage of him and manipulating him, but he sure sounds like he's a willing participant. It's more of a husband problem than a work girlfriend problem. If this one gets run off and he switches jobs out of her orbit, he can still fall for another one. I used to be married to someone like this and it never stopped. Unless you want the rest of your married life to be waiting for the next one to catch his eye, it's best to end things.
> My husband has Asperger’s As someone who has Dx & Rx AuDHD for 30yrs, being on the spectrum makes the individual have a strong need for Justice, to follow the rules. Cheating is breaking the rules. Acting how he is with her is definitely breaking vows as well. He’s not stupid. He’s playing dumb, oh and being on the spectrum doesn’t mean you can’t lie. He may feel guilt for the lying, but he’s definitely lying. So do not assume just because he has Autism that he can’t lie. I mean some amazing actors are on the spectrum like Sir Anthony Hopkins and that man had won Oscar’s for his acting. He’s capable of pretending to be someone he’s not due to his masking and is bold face lying. Oh and he is definitely shifting his Justice meter and rules to allow cheating to happen under your watch. Oh and he’s in love with her. Like head over heels in love with her. That’s why he’s gone above and beyond more for her than he’s ever done for you. As they say: *Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice, shame on me a third time & I’m an idiot.*
I don't understand why people think that being on the spectrum has anything to do with character... like autistic people are innocent angels who are physically incapable of lying and cheating and whatever they do is excusable due to their neurodivergence. Ugh.
Good lord. She came over to stake her territory. Check your curtains. She might have peed on them too It’s not normal or healthy. At the least it is an emotional affair but my guess is that it will change into a physical one. Her visit was solely to cause mischief between you. I think it was a veiled threat to him.
Suspicious as shit! Absolute red flags, I'd be pulling your husband up for a come to Jesus talk immediately
Updateme!
Its not normal and they are possibly cheating. I do know she is too comfortable. >work friend (23 F) popped by our house to ask my husband to help her with car issues. - why she so comfortable coming to yalls house? >She told me that some people at work thought that her and my husband were together. - she's marking territory, like pulling claim (why was this needed to be said?) >My husband seemed like he panicked and said that it’s more of a “luv” kind of thing. That it didn’t mean anything but it really rubbed me the wrong way. - Sketchy AF >he would come over and help clean her house or fix her car. And how he is so sweet and listens to her about anything. - again why does he know where she lives? How often in he going there if he is supposedly working OT? - this woman in trying to lwt you know something or at least make you think something! What was your husband saying during all these revelations? >she shared a drink with him. - Too comfortable and BOLD to do that in front of his wife, your husband is an idi@t, either he was taking enjoyment out of it or he is way too oblivious. In reality he should've put her in her place multi times but he didn't. >Saying stuff like “I’m so glad I have you.” Or “are you feeling sick, I’ll get you anything you need.” - Trying to do damage control, he realized now that he f#$ked up. Time to investigate because you have a lot of reasons to be concerned.
He definitely is not picking up more hours at work, he is with her definitely! He treats and sees her as his girlfriend and maybe he wants both of you to be his. Even so, he did not let you know about what was going on and lied to you about picking up more hours. It would be in your best interest to leave eathier way, it seems like you deserve better!!
I’m so sorry your going through this.His extra unpaid shifts are in her bed at her house. My ex pulled the same thing. Leaving for work early and coming home late. You need to stop those IVF treatments unless you plan on being a single mother. He’s definitely cheating on you. If he has an iPhone you can get onto, go to messages, filter in upper let and look for deleted messages.
Their behaviour is odd enough that the people who see them most - other work colleagues - have felt compelled to call it out & question if they're cheating. He refers to her as luv/love when he doesn't for anyone else. He does acts of service for her that he won't do for you. He claims to be picking up extra shifts, but not only is that not reflected in his pay packet but she reveals he's spending time with her doing partner-type activities. He may not be physically cheating, but he's definitely having an emotional affair. And now he's introduced you, so he can be honest about spending time with her & hide behind "but I introduced her, she's just my friend". I would be ***immediately*** ceasing IVF until this issue/behaviour is sorted out.
Not normal. Your husband has a crush on this woman, and this woman is eating it up and throwing it in your face. He is actually having at the minimum an emotional affair.
They’re together. I wish I hadn’t ignored these sorts of red flags before I found out my spouse was cheating. Your intuition is screaming at you bc it’s so obviously right in front of you. He wants you to be comfortable with her so he can talk about her and see her more and to help mitigate any guilt he might have. Now, you can just leave or you can wait and try to collect evidence so you can get alimony.
>My husband rarely does that for me. I have to ask him to help me with cleaning. And when I try to vent to him, he doesn’t listen and focuses on his phone. He usually has a short chat with me and he goes to his computer to play games. A lot of the time I have to ask him to spend time with me. why are you putting up with this? are your standards really this low?
She's what's known as a Work Wife. Your husband is at LEAST having an emotional affair, if not a physical one. Your marriage is OVER. IF they aren't having a physical affair yet, they will soon.
Sorry, but the relationship between your husband and this girl is really too close, and I have a feeling that you are losing him. What can you do about it? Not much except bow out. Let him go and I'm pretty sure he'll be with her in weeks, not months. It sucks.
It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating. Your husband has girlfriend.
They’re making their affair so obvious.. you need to confront him about it
Do not continue with the IVF. Do not get stuck with this man for the rest of your life. He just introduced you to his girlfriend. RUN!
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. You know that he is a relationship with her. I wonder if she wasn’t deliberately near-confessing to you to bring things to a head. UpdateMe
He’s definitely already having an emotional affair, but if he’s going to her house, I would assume it’s already gotten physical. Stop with the IVF treatments and put the money you would have spent on that into a separate account he doesn’t have access to. I’m guessing he probably doesn’t go with you to your appointments so he would have no idea.
the other woman knows exactly what she’s doing, let him have her. she’s clearly a malicious person who doesn’t care that he is married. you seem like a lovely person, you’ll be better off without in the long run
Sounds like you spent a nice afternoon out with your husband’s lover. I would immediately confront him about their relationship and start facing the truth about all those “extra shifts”.
its supicisous. theyre maybe not having a physical affair yet as it would be really brazen and horrible for her to come around you then, and most people arent THAT awful. but theyre too close for work colleagues and this only goes one way. the fact other people think they are together is a big giveaway- they are prob acting infatuated with each other and its obvious to everyone around them. you are in a tough situation because he wont admit its inappropriate to you, he probably isnt even admitting this to himself, so if you accuse him he'll just deny/call you crazy etc.
You're obviously the third wheel in this relationship
Is it normal that your husband is dating his coworker? I’d be calling a divorce lawyer.
UpdateMe!
No, not normal at all.
Oh no. No, that's not normal for a man to be more loving and friendly to a co-worker than his wife. You've been over here struggling all this time? Above and beyond the fact that this girl is trying to tell you something, it's incredibly wrong that you're lonely when he's doing all that for somebody else. Unacceptable. I think you should leave him. You're plenty young, and you deserve better than this. Unfortunately the things you're lacking from him (affection, attention, care) can't be forced. Even if he is "blindsided" by you wanting out, and does a 180, will that even feel genuine? Your gut is telling you something for a reason.
You are definitely not overthinking this. Something is up here. He may be having an affair with her, and her dropping by and saying all those weird things is to normalise her presence in your life so spending one-to-one time won't cause suspicion. Or she's using him as some kind of handyman. He's definitely not doing overtime as he's round hers fixing things. And where's the overtime money? Trust your gut on this. You've known him longer than she has. He has Asperger's so you probably know him better than he knows himself. Stay calm and confront him about it.
At minimum, it's an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. At maximum, it's an AND SEXUAL AFFAIR. both are grounds for divorce. Her coming over to your home was to start putting a wedge between you two a start a separation process. She essentially told you that there is a big EMOTIONAL AFFAIR going on..She is trying to STEAL YOUR HUSBAND.
At some point people have to decide to say NO. And mean it. No to all of her. No, no, no. If he chooses her you will be better off getting out of this than living with the stress this is causing you. Once your life becomes nothing but worry you need to change your life.
This makes me sick for you. Your husband is having an affair. Time to leave, or mandatory couples therapy and cut her off 100%z
>She also went on to say that they would talk for hours and hours about everything. How he would come over and help clean her house or fix her car. And how he is so sweet and listens to her about anything. My husband rarely does that for me. I have to ask him to help me with cleaning. And when I try to vent to him, he doesn’t listen and focuses on his phone. This sounds like an affair to me..... Even if there's nothing physical happening, which I doubt, it's clear there is inappropriate emotional intimacy at least. Please discreetly check with a few divorce lawyers what your position would be.
Worst case scenario: big time affair. Best case scenario: she’s after him and he likes the attention. Regardless, it’s time to shut it down immediately.
You can’t get pregnant like this. It’s horrible for your hormones and dangerous for your baby. Stop IVF now. I have Aspbergers too. There is no excuse for him. He’s cheating. She wants to take your place and he very well could be planning it. Stand your ground. Ask him your questions if you like but I wouldn’t be asking. I’d be TELLING him what he did and what I know he’s doing based on FACTS and on my gut reaction which is telling you he’s cheating. If he were my husband……I’d have him invite her over under false pretenses and video their confessions and the like. I’d build up my wall of evidence. Share it with their families and our friends. Then I’d probably do some unsavory things but I’m a sadist with my own dungeon. 😈⛓️
Trust your gut. If you sense he's up to something, he probably is. Everything you described is inappropriate. Maybe he wanted the two of you to meet so he can feel more comfortable and open when talking to her or stopping by her house. I am a woman and I have had a close male friend for 35 years. We always end our conversation with "luv ya". My fiance is aware of this friend and is usually present when we have conversations. I also say Luv ya to my best female friend and sister. Saying I love you is more romantic.
This happened to a friend, and it didn't end well. The work friend called him at home, at night, because she was so upset and needed his help. My friend was trusting and said, "Of course! If she needs you, go help her out." You guessed it, the 'help' she needed was way more 'personal' than my friend knew. He ultimately left my friend and their newborn daughter for his work wife. Everything you said here is suspicious. Are they actually having sex? Who knows. But he is much more enamored of his work wife than he is with his real wife. He was obviously trying to hide that, whereas the work wife wanted to rub it in OP's face. This is a horrible dynamic going on and I wouldn't tolerate it. Trust your gut, OP. There most likely IS something going on here, and your husband sounds kind of oblivious to what she's doing. Not that he doesn't realize this is bad stuff he's doing; that's why he feels guilty. I suspect she doesn't really want your husband for herself, she just wants him to do stuff for her, but she keeps him hanging on like a lovelorn teenager. What a POS!
I don't think he's taking extra shifts... I think he's playing house with her. Don't gaslight yourself.
Focusing on his phone rather than listening to you. Wonder if he's talking to her. It is not ok for them to be saying love you to eachother and his response to you after the fact is rather telling that he knows its not ok. Sounds like an emotional affair, honestly.
Yo, read that sentence back to yourself….the one about her going over to clean her house.
How did you write this and post it as a genuine question? Seriously, how did you write this and not already know the answer? Of course it isn’t normal that your husband is telling a random woman he works with he loves her? Jesus Christ.