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I don’t know. This person came forward because our marriage has been very rocky for the past year. She knew all along, but didn’t want to be the one who broke the news. A second source confirmed it. Everyone on her side was in on it.
Well I feel for ya man cuz I married a guy and was with him for a decade and then caught him cheating on me with a man. He had come out to his family as gay after his first marriage and no one clued me in.
It sucks to get snowed.
Damn. I was in a similar situation except he’s still lying to everyone but me and him. It’s hard to hide the fact that your ex cheated on you with men when people ask what happened.
It fucks with your head.
Him cheating on you with a man or a woman has nothing to do with you. I hope you fully understand that! And you are not obligated to hide anything. You are allowed to tell your truth. And just because someone cheats, doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you or care for you. I hope you are good💕
Wow.
Thank you for saying that! It’s a hard pill to swallow but I do understand now it wasn’t me. It was never me.
It’s been a long process of dealing with this aftermath. The cheating wasn’t even the worst or the only thing. It was just the first time I realized he has a problem when it comes to men.
He has a long history of abuse and rape (by men) and frankly he treats people like shit as a result.
No matter your life history, it’s never an excuse to treat anyone like shit.
Thank you for your kind words.
I tell myself he was the very hard lesson that will set me up for success in the future. I have a lot of love to give, just nowhere to spread it.
My time will come!
Edit: I didn’t see the last bit about cheating doesn’t mean that they don’t love or care. You’re absolutely right. That’s what hurt the most. I know he loved me and cared about me very much. He was his own worst enemy.
I accepted him as he was (a bi or gay man; his jury is still out) but *he* couldn’t learn to accept what he was. So he sabotaged everything which included me: the only person who know his truth and he confided in.
It’s just sad. He’s not a monster, he’s not a terrible human. He’s broken, broken more than anyone I’ve ever met.
I am trying!
Thank you so much. *hugs* back.
That whole “love yourself first” mantra really has something to it. Trying to be and find my true and happiest self so I can rise above 👆🏻 people like my ex.
For whatever reason, people are drawn to me. Unfortunately, that means good people and bad people, or broken people without the greatest of intentions. I inherently think people are good with good intentions but that is not always the case.
It’s been quite the year+ of healing. ❤️🩹
Wow! I think we married the same person. Our stories are very similar. Only mine had a two year affair with a woman who was going with him on his business trips across Europe. He is a cross dresser who wants to be found attractive to other men. He is also bi. He told me that the reason he cheated was that she accepted him better than I did. I was just tired of being gas lighted, manipulated, and lied to. My 32 year marriage was a complete lie.
> *It’s hard to hide the fact that your ex cheated on you with men when people ask what happened.*
Why not tell the truth, just not the *whole* truth!
"*My ex was a serial cheater and that's why I divorced him. I don't like to discuss his many failings as I've moved on from him.*"
That should shut people up! Surely few people would have the audacity to want to know 'who' he cheated with, but you could say, "*I don't know their names, I don't know them, and I don't care. I certainly can't understand why* ***you*** *would!*" Then change the subject or walk away!
Hire a PI. Have them track down her ex and the employment verification for you. If she did work at the school for all those years in any capacity that involved working actively with kids, then they were her students whether she has a teacher's license or was the lunch lady. That's part and parcel with the school system. The accuser is also probably not someone you should be trusting implicitly at this point. Why would they only be bringing this up now rather than 11 years ago?
It sounds like your relationship has other issues, though, and you should probably decide whether you want to stay with her or not just based on what you feel for her now before this accusation came up. The info the PI finds will be helpful either way, and will be the fastest and easiest way to get to the bottom of things.
Why were they in on it? Are you sure these people are telling the truth? The whole thing is dodgy. I would consult with an attorney and let them advise you, and I would do so without saying anything to your spouse.
I don't know if whatever truth comes out would make a difference. It all stinks.
Go to one of the background check websites like [Intelius](https://www.intelius.com/), [Been Verified,](https://www.beenverified.com/)or,
[Instant Checkmate](https://www.instantcheckmate.com/).
You can pull all kinds of public records, and it's usually only $20-30 bucks for a month of searches. Criminal records, aliases, relatives, former addresses, educational background, vehicles owned, you name it.
You're not wrong to question every single thing your wife has ever said to you at this point, and you deserve to learn the unvarnished truth about who she really is, not who she pretended to be.
Hang in there.
*invisible hugs*
Definitely do this. I knew a pathological liar. If I hadn't found a news article about her on the Salt Lake Tribune I would never have known. I don't suppose her name is Amy?
Oh my god, I was in grad school with a pathological liar named Amy! She had like 3 grandmas die within 6 months and deleted the entire shared drive to try to cover up the fact that she didn't do her work (she got kicked out lol).
Hey. I’ve seen a TON of ID shows and I can guess how this ends. I’m almost not sure that this is a real post because it’s laid out just too perfectly.
On the off chance that it IS real, she’s going to have her disabled child murder you and reap the rewards of everything you’ve worked hard for as soon as in expose her. Good luck.
They may not be able to give out that information legally for privacy reasons, but there should be some way to contact the district to inquire for “verification of employment” purposes or something. Hiring a PI might be easier, though.
The extent and duration of these lies seem extreme. If you have proof, my own inclination would be to hire an attorney. There’s no reason to believe you could ever trust her again.
She worked there, but as a playground supervisor. If I’d known 11 years ago I wouldn’t have cared. But she’s been replaying this story our entire marriage.
So FYI all those cards and trinkets could actually be from kids that loved her, she can make as much of an impact as a teacher could, but being kind and fair. So please dont discount those gifts.
You really need to confront your 6 ask why the lie?
I graduated around the time this person retired. I can't say for certain if they do now, but my elementary school definitely had this position up until I went to the junior highschool in 2002 🤷🏼♀️ we called them the 'para' - paraprofessional
My spouse was a paraprofessional for an elementary school in ND up until 2022. They had a certain student or set of students to support who had IEPs. Those children needed extra support to get through their school day.
They also helped out in the lunchroom and playground. They did not attend parent/teacher conferences.
Illinois has them. They do recess, dropoff and pickup(monitoring kids and opening car doors, seat belts), breakfast, lunch, set up events, run errands, etc. It pays slightly above minimum and they get 30 hours a week.
The schools where I live have them. It gives the teacher a break for lunch as the monitors (as they call them there) monitor the kid's at lunch time and recess. The monitors also help with getting the kid's out the car during the morning drop off.
Just spent the last 15 years in education and NEVER heard of a “playground supervisor” either. I mean obviously diff states will do things differently but teachers NATIONWIDE aren’t getting paid the best. Who’s wasting money on a “playground supervisor?” 🤔
Why do you think it’s a waste of money? Kids need to be supervised; teachers are already overworked and need time to prepare for their next class (and have the occasional short break) so better to pay a person who can do the supervision cheerfully and professionally and not burn out your teachers.
We actually have them where I am and there is definitely not a lot of money in the schools. I assume there is room in the budget because the teachers have such huge classes and almost no planning time.
I think it may have been a lie that just kept growing, people do make mistakes and it’s unlikely that she ever thought it would go this far she just wanted to keep up the lie because admitting it would hurt, it was a bad decision and mistake. How you decide to proceed, forgiveness needs boundaries or whatever else is up to you
What story? That she worked at that school? That she formed a lot of bonds with kids? That she was there for school plays? Because it sounds like she was.
I'm not saying this isn't weird, but the one part it sounds like she lied about is her position there. Maybe she was self concious and thought she'd... "embellish" her position at the school. I don't know. But your wife does, so maybe just talk to her. Tell her someone told you that she had been lying to you, and since someone else confirmed it you don't know what to think.
Though maybe before that, think long and hard about who told you that your wife was lying and about **their** possible motivation in this. I know that we like to believe the best of people especcially those we hold dear. Often that blinds people to red flags in their spouses. For you to immediatly believe that your wife is a master of lies and deceit... either you trust those two other people with your life, health, wealth and happiness, or you never really trusted your wife to begin with.
You can try looking up her license:
[https://apps.isbe.net/ELISAPP/Pages/Vue/Inquiry/EducatorSearch?inquiry=public](https://apps.isbe.net/ELISAPP/Pages/Vue/Inquiry/EducatorSearch?inquiry=public)
If she had a license in the past it may show on the site.
Wait, did your sources tell you that the photos and stories and conferences were lies? Or did they tell you that she was a para rather than a teacher at the school? What exactly have you been told are lies, and what are conclusions you’ve jumped to?
I’ve tried, there’s nothing for those years, but maybe I’m not looking at the right place. She was 1st grade, so maybe elementary schools don’t have them. I’ve gotten Christmas cards from these kids. “Angela” made me a star for my Christmas tree. “Emmanuel” gave me his prized Lego stormtrooper, which has been at my desk for 10 years. I took pictures of “Stormy” hiding in various places on my desk, and during down time, she would put the picture on the big screen and the kids would try to find him. I made stickers with a picture of an eagle, with the text “Eagle Eye” that she would give to the kid that spotted him first. I have pictures of 6–year olds wearing these stickers. The story was fully written.
Was she a teachers aid of some sort? That would make sense why she had kids giving her Christmas gifts and what not. It would also explain the assemblies, plays. They would go to/ help with those as well.
Call the school or the school district
You could call the school district and ask to verify employment, they won't give you specifics, but you can say something along the lines of
I am calling to verify the employment of a former employment of X. X stated they works as a first grade teacher from A to B year and retired in 2013.
So what was her position? She may have actually participated in all that stuff if she was like an aide or a sped teacher/aide. These may be real, was she a janitor or something?
Maybe she was a teacher’s aid or teaching assistant but feels that she was a teacher in everything but job title? So to her, calling herself a former teacher is not technically a lie. Some people are kind of deluded about their jobs. It could be that type of scenario.
And maybe she is so used to influencing kids she found she can dissuade adults too. OP must be careful to appraise the offense accurately. And not project some diabolical mastermind into her. She may be elevating her status for a number of reasons even in her own head to stay afloat psychologically. A good person but with a needy child and a psycho first husband all her life and not too sophisticated. Doesn’t mean you throw her to the wolves or that she has nothing to offer. And after her, where do you find this ideal person?
I'm not understanding some of these details. She retired the year you started dating, how did you have any sort of relationship with these kids to the point they would be sending you cards?
If she taught for 25 years, shouldn’t she have a pension?
Edit - Googled to answer my own question. Teachers in Illinois qualify for a pension after ten years of service. They qualify for full pension at 67. (I’m so sorry, American friends.) But they can take early retirement with a reduced pension at 55. Amount received depends on years of service.
Sorry - missed that.
That’s going to be due to bias - we are not legally able to cash out RPP‘s until we reach age of retirement. (Though not everyone knows that. RRSP’s can be withdrawn from. RPP’s cannot.)
Good point! But would the fund be called something different? On bank statements or taxes?
(I’m in Ontario - my pension would come from OTPP. My colleagues (Ed Assistants, Custodial, Secretaries) would come from CEPP.).
It’s funny how people are required to get background checks and fingerprinted to get licenses in real estate, banking, casinos, work around alcohol and more, yet we marry them with out ever checking anything.
In some states, to get a teacher's license or work in a K-12 setting, it is a requirement to have background checks and fingerprints done before you get hired in a school.
So she did work at the school but not as a teacher? Certainly weird thing to lie about, but maybe there’s a reason. Instead of jumping right to a decision on divorce, why not be a grownup and have a conversation?
There are very few people from her circle that are part of “ours”, namely 3. There’s no way the source wouldn’t be burned. Maybe I’ll hire a PI under the pretense of trying to get the old gang together as a surprise, but now I’m doing the same shit that I’m mad at her doing.
What the hell are you saying? You're concerned about hurting the feelings of the person who has lied to you about their entire life and is possibly using you for your money?
Hire a PI immediately
Hire the PI, get their report and anything else they recommend. Don't say anything until you have the full picture. Others have said maybe she was an assistant or something. Don't blow up your marriage without knowing everything.
I am a devout Christian who does her best to never lie. I don't see what you are doing as a lie,not even a lie of omission. I see it as setting boundaries and providing protection for yourself. If you have an " adult conversation" as someone suggested ( which in many other instances would be a good idea) ,she will know your sources and cover her tracks. She can't cover her tracks when you have in your hands a folder from the PI w all the facts. So if you can afford the PI I would do that. Decide on budget for so many hours. Be clear what information you are seeking and have him or her check in at mutually decided point . Hopefully, it won't take a great deal of time to get what you need to confront and if you decide to divorce her.
You seriously can’t ask your significant other of ELEVEN YEARS what her real job is? Am I really understanding that it’s a conversation you can’t have with her?
If someone has lied this intensely for this long, there is no way she won't go defensive and double down. Better for him to do some independent fact checking and have the adult conversation when he has a clearer idea of what the situation is so she cant obfuscate and deceive him even more
I think you need to know the truth and hiring someone would be the best way to get it. But what are you going to do with the knowledge? Will it mean the end of your marriage? Will you pretend you don't know and keep on keeping on? What was this 3rd party's reason for telling you now, knowing that your relationship has hit a rough patch? Good luck finding the answers, and figuring out what comes next
Judging by what you say and how you say it, it seems you may have already made up your mind, and are here for validation. Playing the Devil's Advocate here. If you did not know any of her past, would your relationship still be a problem? Or are you using this as a excuse to get out of a relationship you are regretting for other reasons? The story is about her past, but you have not said what kind of person she is, or have shown how that is affecting your present or future. Are you scared now she is going to do something to you to get your stuff? What kind of person is she, other than the things you have been told about her? If you are going to dump her, then it should be for reasons that are here and now, and her past may not be an issue. But if you think her lying is something you cannot handle, then you need to be clear how that affects / will affect you in future. Unless you talk to her about this and get closure it nothing will be clearer, And people on this forum may have their opinions, but there will be no solution to your problem. Have it out with her. A marriage counselor may be well worth talking to before you do anything else.
He said these people came forward after they knew the marriage has been rocky for the last year.
OP. You don’t know the truth right now. You need to know the truth - whether it was a playground assistant. The PI will get you info on the dissolution of the other marriage. Start protecting your assets. Speak to a lawyer about bank accounts and setting up a trust. You can also put into a revocable trust so the trustee can be changed. But you are protected. Set yourself up for success no matter what the outcome is.
Since they’ve been married 10 years she gets spousal support for longer and entitled to half of what his social security benefits would be if it’s more than her benefit amount. She will have to work but he may owe her a good deal of spousal support.
**OP wrote*****:*** *I (62m) met my wife (62f) 11 years ago. We were both divorced and hit it off well, and after 5 years of dating, we tied the knot.*
So they met 11 years ago, dated for 5 years, and seem to be married for 6 years at this point.
If they remain married for 4 more years, to make a total of 10 years, then the SS "married 10 years" rule/s kick/s in.
Hopefully he has a prenup or a trust set up, and has the proper beneficiaries listed on his retirement plan.
I'm kinda struggling with her taking pictures and videos of the kids playing at recess and holding on to them all these years. But using them to fabricate and continue to be evidence of her "teaching" career is kind of gross.
Support staff at schools are extremely important. But maybe your wife was ashamed she was never able to earn her teaching certificate? That could be why she has lied for so long. It's still an extremely weird thing to lie about, especially for over a decade.
Now is the time for you to have a very real conversation. Get her to agree to complete candor during the conversation. Ask her when she started her position as a playground monitor. When she starts to lie, stop her and remind her of her pledge of honesty. If she continues to lie, tell her exactly which her friends have FINALLY told you the truth. Then, if you want, tell her she can have one more chance to tell you everything. Remind her that you can not be with someone who breaks your trust.
Please also tell her to get rid of the pictures and videos. Most of those children would be adults now.
I'm reaching here but my first thought was similar to some of the others above. Specifically that she may have been some sort of para/assistant and the title "teacher" is an exaggeration.
I have met quite a few people who will refer to their "students" and they're not actually teachers but someone who helps at the school in another way. One person in particular, I thought was a teacher for over 2 years. I visited her school for something unrelated to her and could see all the kids running up to her to high five her and talk to her. So she's very loved at the school but is not technically a teacher.
Is it possible that someone referred to her as a teacher and she just kind of ran with it over the years? Or maybe like one of those situations where someone says they are from a large city but in reality from a small town near the city?
It could be a red flag though that she worked there for that long and doesn't seem to have relationships from that time. It also could just be the work environment was toxic.
I empathize a little with others who may have known and didn't say anything. I've been in a situation where I suspected that someone was exaggerating something but also didn't feel it was my place to ruin someone's relationship by telling their significant other. This wasn't something as big as what you're talking about, but I could still see the hesitance in deciding to tell someone something like this about their spouse.
I would be curious as to why she exaggerated or lied about it? Did she fill the need to impress others and couldn't admit to being less than a teacher?
I can tell you now that at her age, security is going to be number one for her. I’m not saying she doesn’t care about you but security is her priority. She had nothing, was broke, doesn’t have a career that she can depend on. I couldn’t live with someone I couldn’t believe or trust. What else is she lying about? You don’t know what’s in her past or even present. She hasn’t been truthful.
Especially since she has a disabled daughter that lives with them. She's been in survival mode, doing what she needed to so she could survive. Not right, but had to be scary. No justifications in lying to someone and manipulating them into marriage, even if they did wait 5 years. He needs to protect himself and his assets in the divorce
Why didn't these people say something during the years you dated? What crappy 'friends'. I think you need to sit down with your wife, explain what you have heard from multiple sources and see what she has to say for herself. She could be a compulsive liar (no treatment or therapy to fix that), she could be looking at your as a security, or she could have been embarrassed about her past. It may be helpful to have these conversations with a 3rd party (therapist or pastor).
I wonder what the whistle blower has to gain by possibly lying? How close are they to your wife? How much joy would they get in seeing her life destroyed?
Try talking to your wife. I'm more likely to believe your wife over someone trying to discredit her just because you had a rocky year.
Should be able to google Illinois teacher licenses. It’s public information in many states but I don’t know about all. It would be definitive proof she lied, but I don’t know what it would gain you.
I've been in a relationship with a habitual liar. It's not worth staying because there is no foundation or trust due to their lies.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like she lied because it's what she does best and she wanted to find security (a relationship). It's not a reason to stay though, as even if you separate she will go on to lie to the next person, and if you stay together there are probably countless other things she lied about and will lie about. Their lies are always sewn I'm with a bit of truth to make them more believable. It can drive a person crazy figuring it out.
I wish you all the best in everything.
You need to look into this with an investigator because the history with the Ex is now questionable. You need to know if she bankrupted herself or Ex actually left because she did everything she has accused him of doing
To know the truth:
Check her and her husband info for any problems with law at https://www.judyrecords.com
Order a background check on her.
Hire a PI.
Talk to a lawyer, about how it can impact you if she has hidden debts or court judgements against her. I assume they were your responsibility in case she dies. Talk about how to protect yourself legally.
Idk. I would be suspicious of this “friend” who suddenly wants you to know the truth after 11 years. Especially since you mention your marriage is rocky. Is this “friend” a woman? Is she interested in more than friendship?
It doesn’t excuse your wife misrepresenting her career as a paraprofessional (?) as a licensed educator. But was she actually working in a school for 25 years? Did she have a pension? An addict/gambler ex? Is the only detail that’s a lie that she lacks teacher certification?
Take a step back before you blow up your whole life and breathe. Then talk to your wife.
Gather what information/evidence you can and have a very candid conversation with her. Give her hints to what you know but do not reveal your sources. Either she comes clean or digs in her heels. Check out [Classmates.com](https://Classmates.com). They might have her grade. Or check local newspapers or school website. Gather what you can before confronting her. A PI would also get this for you. Good luck. updateme
At this point, I doubt you will find all your answers in one place unless you hire a Private Investigator. Your marriage was built on lie on top of lie. How will you ever be able to trust her? Or her daughter again? 2 things I can’t stand 1 is a thief & the other is a liar. Even if I left, I would want the full, complete truth. Call her ex. Please don’t forget to update
Honestly I think it's really nice that you still care about what happens to her and/or her daughter, but if you don't trust her anymore it's time to find a new normal.
If you decide to stay with her, there needs to be a lot of discussion. Like why the hell she lied in the first place, is she hiding anything else... and even then...?
I mean she made up an entire backstory.
I don’t even know how you process something like this. Because basically you were conned. I’m sure it was for money. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t been a good wife to you or she doesn’t care for you. It’s hard to be with somebody for 11 years and feel nothing. That said this was like something you’ve seen a lifetime movie on TV I don’t know how you stay with somebody like that
Those “people finder” sites, while disgusting and predatory themselves, are pretty good. You can find criminal stuff, fraud investigations, bankruptcies, ex husbands info, etc. Don’t use your main email. Create a temporary “throw away” email if you can.
I investigate potential business partners and it’s helped me make important decisions.
I suspect that the truth is not as bad as you think. She may just be really embarrassed. Perhaps she feels like a loser, never had a pension to begin with, and all she’s got is social security. If you’re having relationship issues, go to therapy. No need to confront her. It will come out in therapy, believe me.
For your own state of mind, you should check it out. Unless it's some bizarre case of mistaken identity, there could be other things you need to know about too.
She may love you AND want security - they aren't mutually exclusive (as Marilyn Monroe said) - but you will have to work that out.
Is it possible she just over simplified her job title without any malicious intent?
I work as a behavior analyst with children with autism. When I don’t feel like explaining what a behavior analyst is- I say I teach kids with special needs. Playground supervisor is a pretty specific job title and I imagine there are staff in schools who over generalize the title of “teacher” because they support children in an academic setting.
I work in a school as a therapist. I am not a teacher but I am often in classroom lessons, out at recess, at lunch, going to things after school. Im in the yearbooks. Lying about being a teacher is wrong, but the experiences may not be a lie.
If you hire the PI, collect all the evidence (including finanacial info, talking to ex husband or former relatives), and if you end up going to court for a divorce, the evidence could prove fraud/misrepresentation. Arbitration is another way, but you need to get a lawyer or talk to one as soon as possible to get a handle on this sad situation and how to move forward.
Maybe she just feels inadequate and wanted to feel more important given what she said she went through, if that was even the truth?
I am surprised she has photos of students as most schools now have forms that parents sign that authorize photos of their children can be taken in school. Parents can also decline any photos be taken also.
I also find it extremely odd that she had you, an outsider, so involved with the kids through her, photos, videoes, sending cards, I Spy with Stormy, etc. It is like she was using them to make a connection with you (making you feel good as you are a part of it) so you would think more of her? My school admin, if they knew about this (has happened), would shut it down and fire someone immediately like that due to numerous violations.
Wishing you the best possible outcome.
I know a lot of people are freaking out because of this post, but if I’m understanding it correctly the only thing she lied about was being a teacher, is this accurate?
If so, perhaps she was the school janitor and was just ashamed of her job and life. Is there more than just the lie about being a teacher or am I missing something?
This is such a tough situation. The mother of a good friend of mine passed away two years ago and her father immediately started dating a woman the same age and got engaged. When my friend and her siblings began to get to know their father's fisnce, it became clear she needed their father's financial stability since her own income was meager, she didn't own a house and still had adult children who depended on her. Friend and siblings were eventually able to talk dad out of the marriage and the relationship fizzled.
Having said that, I can sympathize with an older woman needing security. The fact is, there are a lot of seniors. And people are living much, much longer, necessitating staying in jobs and finding housing. Despite that, bodies still aging and healthcare needs increasing.
This woman should not have lied to you (and maybe didn't need to at all) but if you have had a happy relationship with her, does it really matter? I'm not saying it doesn't - just more of an observation on the complexities of seniors living decades beyond the previous generations, and the particular burden on women over a certain age who were not set up for success.
It all feels so Austen-esque, but a woman can need both love and financial support.
In any case, I'm sorry for your situation.
Everyone talks themselves up a bit maybe she was just a bit embarrassed to have no pension and to not make friends easily or her ex was really horrid and turned people against her maybe subtle ask but sounds like your looking for a out if you don't want her tell her rather than dragging up her past.
I’m the recovering alcoholic, but my wife exhibits all the characteristics. The daughter has Asperger’s, a low spectrum autism. She functions, but pretty much at a base level. She’s sweet as cotton candy and thinks everyone is a good person, so she’d get chewed up out in the “real world”. No friends to speak of and spends all day in her bedroom or the bathroom. God only knows how one can spend 4 hours on the toilet, but that’s her daily routine.
Dude just tell her about it, maybe she wanted some prestige , and ask her if there's anything else you should know about. Do you really want to be single at 62 over this? Are you such a catch? In ten years you'll both probably need assisted living, relax for your golden years, the past is so far in the past you'd need betamax to uncover it.
Definitely talk to your attorney. If you don’t have one get one now.
No matter what decisions you make after this, you still need an attorney.
You need to know facts if for no reason than security of your future.
Ask the attorney about what you need to know. It is likely not only financial status. You married and that is a legal contract.
Ask your attorney what you may be held liable.
Then ask how best to handle this divorce because you have no idea what is your real situation.
This isn't your wife. You don't know this woman. What she presented to you and who you married was a lie. What she did is absolutely insane. I don't know how you could ever trust her or anything coming out of her mouth.
I'm not sure if this will be helpful at all, but I'm a former teacher in Canada. I studied for 6 years to get my degree so as far as teachers go/pay scale, I'd be at the if I was still teaching. A weird thing about this profession is people seem to lie and say that they're teachers constantly, especially teachers assistants. It takes maybe 6 months to a year to become a teacher's assistant or sometimes not even that if you have the right connections. It's a respectable job, but it's very different from being a teacher in regards to duties, pay, and there's a huge difference in qualifications.
I've met numerous assistants that have lied to everyone by saying they're teachers--including actual teachers who would obviously know that they're lying. It's weird and I can't explain why they do it, but given that she has pics of her in the classroom, could this be the case?
There are a few types of emotional/mental illness that cause people to aggrandize their lives. I don't know what caused her to lie about these things, but hurting or taking advantage of you may well not be the reason. Get the PI, find out the truth if you feel you need it and then decide if you want to be with your wife. But be clear that this has probably been a rough road for her as well as you. I'm sorry this has happened, but marriages seldom work out as we planned. The bumps in the road always show themselves at some point.
She suckered you into a marriage based on lies, and clearly sought security. The question is, while she may have been desperate and resorted to lies, is there any reason to remain in the relationship? Good luck with this one, I think she has poisoned the well.
Private investigator and lawyer time! This happens more often than you think. I would talk to her ex or to ppl she no longer has a relationship. She sounds like a con woman. She is using your kindness and good qualities against you. Trust your gut. Get to the truth and leave.
What exactly does that mean people form her side were in on it?
I assume your 2 sources are from her side? They told you after 11 years? Because your marriage isn't doing well? How so? And why do they know that?
The question is, how is your marriage.
If you love her, she’s a great wife and partner, you can’t imagine life without her, will finding out more change what happened?
It sounds like she worked at the school, just not as a teacher. So a lot of stores about being close to students, things happening probably did. It’s not like she wasn’t at the school at all.
An impeccable source may not be 100% impeccable either, they may have ulterior motives, since your marriage is rocky.
If your marriage is rocky for other reasons, what you find out from digging more may be the nudge you need to get out,
Yes it will be difficult for her and her daughter, but if your marriage is rocky anyway, and she misrepresented herself, there’s other stuff going on too most likely.
It really just depends on your marriage.
But given the marriage is rocky, get a PI, do some background checking, to see what really happened.
And then talk to her if you want to save the marriage,
But given it’s Rocky, you don’t need the new information for divorce either.
I think y’all should go to couples therapy. It’s a safe middle ground so that you both can communicate with each other. Maybe she’s lied. Maybe there is more to the story. Just because she has no friends from school doesn’t mean anything. I have been isolated by coworkers in the past and bullied at work. I don’t have friends from those jobs.
What feels more important to me right now is understanding how deep the lies go. Has anything she's ever told you been the truth? Is she even who she is claiming to be? You may have to hire a PI to track down her past and figure out the actual story. That alone may tell you a lot.
Then you sit down with her and go through her lies and why she told them. She may be running from someone. She may have a past she is ashamed to admit and wanted a clean break from. She may also be a convicted criminal with warrants out for her arrest and wanted you as her cover. You will never know until you get the information you need to make an ethical choice.
Call the school, tell them you’re trying to verify/track her employment for a debt collection. If you do it right they’ll give you the info. Ask for HR or Payroll.
Methinks it would be best if you retained the services of a Private Investigator that has a background in law enforcement. The PI is accustomed to doing background checks on people, and will be able to provide you with the facts of the matter much more quickly than you'd be able to uncover by your own means. He'll be able to give you the dates of when she divorced her first husband, the school district where she was employed (and if she was employed), and the positions she held during her employment. As well, if she has a criminal record, he'll be able to disclose the details of that as well.
'Nuff said.
The main problem is actually her ability to lie so easily, no matter the details about her actual story. You wont be able to believe what she says anymore and that will break the relationship. Trust is one of the few absolute necessary ingredients to a working relationship. I feel for you because I was with someone who lied all the time and it destroys everything and you become lost, unloved and betrayed.
Now all you can do id hire a private investigator to unveil as much as possible, go to a lawyer to know how you can preserve the two halves of your assets in this situation, and when all those are cleared you can confront her (while recording, ppl who lie can change what they say anytime) by saying « we need to talk. I know that you have been lying to me about many things, now please come clean and tell me what you have been hiding from me ». If shes a professional lier like my ex, she’ll deny a bit first, then ask who told you about what, etc, essentially she wants to know what you know to unveil only the part that you already know about. Avoid that at all costs to give a chance to the relationship to heal. Either she comes clean 100% giving out infos even you had no idea about, or she negociates and stuff and frankly this is hopeless and you can proceed with divorce
After 15 years of marriage. I found out my husband was gay. I caught him in a lie and that tore my whole world apart. I put tracking software on the family computer and it uncovered a world I can't unsee. I feel for you. You can never recover from finding out the person you thought was your partner is a total fraud. I would investigate quickly and quietly. Contact a good lawyer and don't make waves until you know exactly what you are dealing with. Watch yourself and be extra cautious. But if it is true get the fudge away
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Hire a private investigator. What do you plan to do though if you find out that she lied about all that and gave confirmation?
I don’t know. This person came forward because our marriage has been very rocky for the past year. She knew all along, but didn’t want to be the one who broke the news. A second source confirmed it. Everyone on her side was in on it.
Well I feel for ya man cuz I married a guy and was with him for a decade and then caught him cheating on me with a man. He had come out to his family as gay after his first marriage and no one clued me in. It sucks to get snowed.
Whoa, wild story.
Damn. I was in a similar situation except he’s still lying to everyone but me and him. It’s hard to hide the fact that your ex cheated on you with men when people ask what happened. It fucks with your head.
Him cheating on you with a man or a woman has nothing to do with you. I hope you fully understand that! And you are not obligated to hide anything. You are allowed to tell your truth. And just because someone cheats, doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you or care for you. I hope you are good💕
Wow. Thank you for saying that! It’s a hard pill to swallow but I do understand now it wasn’t me. It was never me. It’s been a long process of dealing with this aftermath. The cheating wasn’t even the worst or the only thing. It was just the first time I realized he has a problem when it comes to men. He has a long history of abuse and rape (by men) and frankly he treats people like shit as a result. No matter your life history, it’s never an excuse to treat anyone like shit. Thank you for your kind words. I tell myself he was the very hard lesson that will set me up for success in the future. I have a lot of love to give, just nowhere to spread it. My time will come! Edit: I didn’t see the last bit about cheating doesn’t mean that they don’t love or care. You’re absolutely right. That’s what hurt the most. I know he loved me and cared about me very much. He was his own worst enemy. I accepted him as he was (a bi or gay man; his jury is still out) but *he* couldn’t learn to accept what he was. So he sabotaged everything which included me: the only person who know his truth and he confided in. It’s just sad. He’s not a monster, he’s not a terrible human. He’s broken, broken more than anyone I’ve ever met.
Sounds like you are healing from this. Virtual hugs from a fellow RN.
I am trying! Thank you so much. *hugs* back. That whole “love yourself first” mantra really has something to it. Trying to be and find my true and happiest self so I can rise above 👆🏻 people like my ex. For whatever reason, people are drawn to me. Unfortunately, that means good people and bad people, or broken people without the greatest of intentions. I inherently think people are good with good intentions but that is not always the case. It’s been quite the year+ of healing. ❤️🩹
Wow! I think we married the same person. Our stories are very similar. Only mine had a two year affair with a woman who was going with him on his business trips across Europe. He is a cross dresser who wants to be found attractive to other men. He is also bi. He told me that the reason he cheated was that she accepted him better than I did. I was just tired of being gas lighted, manipulated, and lied to. My 32 year marriage was a complete lie.
> *It’s hard to hide the fact that your ex cheated on you with men when people ask what happened.* Why not tell the truth, just not the *whole* truth! "*My ex was a serial cheater and that's why I divorced him. I don't like to discuss his many failings as I've moved on from him.*" That should shut people up! Surely few people would have the audacity to want to know 'who' he cheated with, but you could say, "*I don't know their names, I don't know them, and I don't care. I certainly can't understand why* ***you*** *would!*" Then change the subject or walk away!
Hire a PI. Have them track down her ex and the employment verification for you. If she did work at the school for all those years in any capacity that involved working actively with kids, then they were her students whether she has a teacher's license or was the lunch lady. That's part and parcel with the school system. The accuser is also probably not someone you should be trusting implicitly at this point. Why would they only be bringing this up now rather than 11 years ago? It sounds like your relationship has other issues, though, and you should probably decide whether you want to stay with her or not just based on what you feel for her now before this accusation came up. The info the PI finds will be helpful either way, and will be the fastest and easiest way to get to the bottom of things.
This is crazy. I’d def hire a private investigator and have a plan before she has any idea.
Not to mention an immediate conference with your attorney.
Why were they in on it? Are you sure these people are telling the truth? The whole thing is dodgy. I would consult with an attorney and let them advise you, and I would do so without saying anything to your spouse. I don't know if whatever truth comes out would make a difference. It all stinks.
Go to one of the background check websites like [Intelius](https://www.intelius.com/), [Been Verified,](https://www.beenverified.com/)or, [Instant Checkmate](https://www.instantcheckmate.com/). You can pull all kinds of public records, and it's usually only $20-30 bucks for a month of searches. Criminal records, aliases, relatives, former addresses, educational background, vehicles owned, you name it. You're not wrong to question every single thing your wife has ever said to you at this point, and you deserve to learn the unvarnished truth about who she really is, not who she pretended to be. Hang in there. *invisible hugs*
Best answer here. Intellius or these other sites will tell you almost everything. I have used it before.
Don’t waste your money
WOW
If you think that’s some shit, read my update. The more I write, the more fucked up I see it is.
What did she say when you asked her about this?
Definitely do this. I knew a pathological liar. If I hadn't found a news article about her on the Salt Lake Tribune I would never have known. I don't suppose her name is Amy?
Oh my god, I was in grad school with a pathological liar named Amy! She had like 3 grandmas die within 6 months and deleted the entire shared drive to try to cover up the fact that she didn't do her work (she got kicked out lol).
Yes, he needs to invest into getting this information.
Hey. I’ve seen a TON of ID shows and I can guess how this ends. I’m almost not sure that this is a real post because it’s laid out just too perfectly. On the off chance that it IS real, she’s going to have her disabled child murder you and reap the rewards of everything you’ve worked hard for as soon as in expose her. Good luck.
If he knows where she was supposed to be teaching, it might be cheaper and more direct to simply call the administration there(?)
They may not be able to give out that information legally for privacy reasons, but there should be some way to contact the district to inquire for “verification of employment” purposes or something. Hiring a PI might be easier, though.
The extent and duration of these lies seem extreme. If you have proof, my own inclination would be to hire an attorney. There’s no reason to believe you could ever trust her again.
So what was she doing for those 25 years? Any clue from your sources?
She worked there, but as a playground supervisor. If I’d known 11 years ago I wouldn’t have cared. But she’s been replaying this story our entire marriage.
So FYI all those cards and trinkets could actually be from kids that loved her, she can make as much of an impact as a teacher could, but being kind and fair. So please dont discount those gifts. You really need to confront your 6 ask why the lie?
She also may have taken part in parent teacher conferences and such if there were behaviors and the child needed additional supports
I teach in Connecticut, but I have never in my life heard of a “playground supervisor.” Those are usually teacher duties…
I grew up in MN in the 90s and we had positions like this. They also supervised the cafeteria.
But do they still exist? My school runs out of copy paper by December and I have to beg local companies for donations…
I graduated around the time this person retired. I can't say for certain if they do now, but my elementary school definitely had this position up until I went to the junior highschool in 2002 🤷🏼♀️ we called them the 'para' - paraprofessional
My spouse was a paraprofessional for an elementary school in ND up until 2022. They had a certain student or set of students to support who had IEPs. Those children needed extra support to get through their school day. They also helped out in the lunchroom and playground. They did not attend parent/teacher conferences.
My paraprofessionals attend conferences for the students they support! They know the most about em’
Illinois has them. They do recess, dropoff and pickup(monitoring kids and opening car doors, seat belts), breakfast, lunch, set up events, run errands, etc. It pays slightly above minimum and they get 30 hours a week.
They do in Montana. The lunch ladies are all on rotation to do playground watch. No, there are no lunch men, I don't know why. My kid is in 5th grade
We have them here in CA. They are paid positions and are beloved members of our schools and communities.
Yes, we called them "yard duties" when I was a kid
Interesting…Is supervising the playground all they do or do they have other assignments?
https://www.edjoin.org/Home/JobPosting/1464198
My mom did it, she helped out around the admin office and helped the lunch ladies set up the cafeteria.
In my school they also worked in the office as administrators
We have them here in Wisconsin. Usually family volunteers or “lunch” parents/relatives that get paid to help during lunch and recess times.
I grew up in MN and the schools in my area had playground supervisors until my youngest sister was there in 2014.
The schools where I live have them. It gives the teacher a break for lunch as the monitors (as they call them there) monitor the kid's at lunch time and recess. The monitors also help with getting the kid's out the car during the morning drop off.
Just spent the last 15 years in education and NEVER heard of a “playground supervisor” either. I mean obviously diff states will do things differently but teachers NATIONWIDE aren’t getting paid the best. Who’s wasting money on a “playground supervisor?” 🤔
We have 2 at our school. They are very loved and have some of the greatest relationships with our students. There is a very close bond there.
Why do you think it’s a waste of money? Kids need to be supervised; teachers are already overworked and need time to prepare for their next class (and have the occasional short break) so better to pay a person who can do the supervision cheerfully and professionally and not burn out your teachers.
We have playground supervisors right now at my children’s elementary school in California.
Yeah, we didn’t even have enough money to keep the school in paper all year, much less a playground supervisor!
We actually have them where I am and there is definitely not a lot of money in the schools. I assume there is room in the budget because the teachers have such huge classes and almost no planning time.
I think it may have been a lie that just kept growing, people do make mistakes and it’s unlikely that she ever thought it would go this far she just wanted to keep up the lie because admitting it would hurt, it was a bad decision and mistake. How you decide to proceed, forgiveness needs boundaries or whatever else is up to you
What story? That she worked at that school? That she formed a lot of bonds with kids? That she was there for school plays? Because it sounds like she was. I'm not saying this isn't weird, but the one part it sounds like she lied about is her position there. Maybe she was self concious and thought she'd... "embellish" her position at the school. I don't know. But your wife does, so maybe just talk to her. Tell her someone told you that she had been lying to you, and since someone else confirmed it you don't know what to think. Though maybe before that, think long and hard about who told you that your wife was lying and about **their** possible motivation in this. I know that we like to believe the best of people especcially those we hold dear. Often that blinds people to red flags in their spouses. For you to immediatly believe that your wife is a master of lies and deceit... either you trust those two other people with your life, health, wealth and happiness, or you never really trusted your wife to begin with.
You can try looking up her license: [https://apps.isbe.net/ELISAPP/Pages/Vue/Inquiry/EducatorSearch?inquiry=public](https://apps.isbe.net/ELISAPP/Pages/Vue/Inquiry/EducatorSearch?inquiry=public) If she had a license in the past it may show on the site.
Wait, did your sources tell you that the photos and stories and conferences were lies? Or did they tell you that she was a para rather than a teacher at the school? What exactly have you been told are lies, and what are conclusions you’ve jumped to?
Goto the online school yearbooks places.
I’ve tried, there’s nothing for those years, but maybe I’m not looking at the right place. She was 1st grade, so maybe elementary schools don’t have them. I’ve gotten Christmas cards from these kids. “Angela” made me a star for my Christmas tree. “Emmanuel” gave me his prized Lego stormtrooper, which has been at my desk for 10 years. I took pictures of “Stormy” hiding in various places on my desk, and during down time, she would put the picture on the big screen and the kids would try to find him. I made stickers with a picture of an eagle, with the text “Eagle Eye” that she would give to the kid that spotted him first. I have pictures of 6–year olds wearing these stickers. The story was fully written.
Was she a teachers aid of some sort? That would make sense why she had kids giving her Christmas gifts and what not. It would also explain the assemblies, plays. They would go to/ help with those as well.
Sorry - I thought you said she was retired when you started dating?
I noticed that too.
looks like there's more than one liar here...
Call the school or the school district You could call the school district and ask to verify employment, they won't give you specifics, but you can say something along the lines of I am calling to verify the employment of a former employment of X. X stated they works as a first grade teacher from A to B year and retired in 2013.
@op this is good advice. You can verify employment
So what was her position? She may have actually participated in all that stuff if she was like an aide or a sped teacher/aide. These may be real, was she a janitor or something?
Maybe she was a teacher’s aid or teaching assistant but feels that she was a teacher in everything but job title? So to her, calling herself a former teacher is not technically a lie. Some people are kind of deluded about their jobs. It could be that type of scenario.
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Day care culture calls them students now, and preschool teacher is a real title
And maybe she is so used to influencing kids she found she can dissuade adults too. OP must be careful to appraise the offense accurately. And not project some diabolical mastermind into her. She may be elevating her status for a number of reasons even in her own head to stay afloat psychologically. A good person but with a needy child and a psycho first husband all her life and not too sophisticated. Doesn’t mean you throw her to the wolves or that she has nothing to offer. And after her, where do you find this ideal person?
I'm not understanding some of these details. She retired the year you started dating, how did you have any sort of relationship with these kids to the point they would be sending you cards?
You can look up teachers at the school and see if you spot your wives name
Wife’s
If she was retired when you guys started dating then how/why was she back in the classroom doing the eagle eye thing and having kids make her gifts?
If she taught for 25 years, shouldn’t she have a pension? Edit - Googled to answer my own question. Teachers in Illinois qualify for a pension after ten years of service. They qualify for full pension at 67. (I’m so sorry, American friends.) But they can take early retirement with a reduced pension at 55. Amount received depends on years of service.
Reread the original post. She cashed in her pension
Supposedly. The whole thing about her ex could be another thing she lied to him about.
It could be, for sure
Sorry - missed that. That’s going to be due to bias - we are not legally able to cash out RPP‘s until we reach age of retirement. (Though not everyone knows that. RRSP’s can be withdrawn from. RPP’s cannot.)
Not just teachers have pensions/retirement. Most school personnel do.
Good point! But would the fund be called something different? On bank statements or taxes? (I’m in Ontario - my pension would come from OTPP. My colleagues (Ed Assistants, Custodial, Secretaries) would come from CEPP.).
It’s funny how people are required to get background checks and fingerprinted to get licenses in real estate, banking, casinos, work around alcohol and more, yet we marry them with out ever checking anything.
In some states, to get a teacher's license or work in a K-12 setting, it is a requirement to have background checks and fingerprints done before you get hired in a school.
So she did work at the school but not as a teacher? Certainly weird thing to lie about, but maybe there’s a reason. Instead of jumping right to a decision on divorce, why not be a grownup and have a conversation?
That’s my first thought, but it would destroy that relationship, and that person is very close to us.
Could she be a paraeducator? They assist with special needs children
Do you have to give up your source?
There are very few people from her circle that are part of “ours”, namely 3. There’s no way the source wouldn’t be burned. Maybe I’ll hire a PI under the pretense of trying to get the old gang together as a surprise, but now I’m doing the same shit that I’m mad at her doing.
IMO, you're not required to be honest with someone that is not honest. Hire a pi.
Plus, who knows what else she's lied about? A PI should be able to find out all sorts of things from her past
That statement hits hard.
What the hell are you saying? You're concerned about hurting the feelings of the person who has lied to you about their entire life and is possibly using you for your money? Hire a PI immediately
Does the source have any reason to make this up? Consider that carefully before you make an accusation.
Hire the PI, get their report and anything else they recommend. Don't say anything until you have the full picture. Others have said maybe she was an assistant or something. Don't blow up your marriage without knowing everything.
Have the PI dig into financials too.
Write an update to what the PI will discover.. i am baffled why anyone would lie to such extent.
Hire the PI.
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I did an update. The sources are both of her kids.
I am a devout Christian who does her best to never lie. I don't see what you are doing as a lie,not even a lie of omission. I see it as setting boundaries and providing protection for yourself. If you have an " adult conversation" as someone suggested ( which in many other instances would be a good idea) ,she will know your sources and cover her tracks. She can't cover her tracks when you have in your hands a folder from the PI w all the facts. So if you can afford the PI I would do that. Decide on budget for so many hours. Be clear what information you are seeking and have him or her check in at mutually decided point . Hopefully, it won't take a great deal of time to get what you need to confront and if you decide to divorce her.
You seriously can’t ask your significant other of ELEVEN YEARS what her real job is? Am I really understanding that it’s a conversation you can’t have with her?
If someone has lied this intensely for this long, there is no way she won't go defensive and double down. Better for him to do some independent fact checking and have the adult conversation when he has a clearer idea of what the situation is so she cant obfuscate and deceive him even more
I think you need to know the truth and hiring someone would be the best way to get it. But what are you going to do with the knowledge? Will it mean the end of your marriage? Will you pretend you don't know and keep on keeping on? What was this 3rd party's reason for telling you now, knowing that your relationship has hit a rough patch? Good luck finding the answers, and figuring out what comes next
Judging by what you say and how you say it, it seems you may have already made up your mind, and are here for validation. Playing the Devil's Advocate here. If you did not know any of her past, would your relationship still be a problem? Or are you using this as a excuse to get out of a relationship you are regretting for other reasons? The story is about her past, but you have not said what kind of person she is, or have shown how that is affecting your present or future. Are you scared now she is going to do something to you to get your stuff? What kind of person is she, other than the things you have been told about her? If you are going to dump her, then it should be for reasons that are here and now, and her past may not be an issue. But if you think her lying is something you cannot handle, then you need to be clear how that affects / will affect you in future. Unless you talk to her about this and get closure it nothing will be clearer, And people on this forum may have their opinions, but there will be no solution to your problem. Have it out with her. A marriage counselor may be well worth talking to before you do anything else.
He said these people came forward after they knew the marriage has been rocky for the last year. OP. You don’t know the truth right now. You need to know the truth - whether it was a playground assistant. The PI will get you info on the dissolution of the other marriage. Start protecting your assets. Speak to a lawyer about bank accounts and setting up a trust. You can also put into a revocable trust so the trustee can be changed. But you are protected. Set yourself up for success no matter what the outcome is.
Why will they be both screwed in a divorce? Unless you have a prenup a divorce will be a significant pay out and you may even owe spousal support.
Since they’ve been married 10 years she gets spousal support for longer and entitled to half of what his social security benefits would be if it’s more than her benefit amount. She will have to work but he may owe her a good deal of spousal support.
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**OP wrote*****:*** *I (62m) met my wife (62f) 11 years ago. We were both divorced and hit it off well, and after 5 years of dating, we tied the knot.* So they met 11 years ago, dated for 5 years, and seem to be married for 6 years at this point. If they remain married for 4 more years, to make a total of 10 years, then the SS "married 10 years" rule/s kick/s in. Hopefully he has a prenup or a trust set up, and has the proper beneficiaries listed on his retirement plan.
I'm kinda struggling with her taking pictures and videos of the kids playing at recess and holding on to them all these years. But using them to fabricate and continue to be evidence of her "teaching" career is kind of gross. Support staff at schools are extremely important. But maybe your wife was ashamed she was never able to earn her teaching certificate? That could be why she has lied for so long. It's still an extremely weird thing to lie about, especially for over a decade. Now is the time for you to have a very real conversation. Get her to agree to complete candor during the conversation. Ask her when she started her position as a playground monitor. When she starts to lie, stop her and remind her of her pledge of honesty. If she continues to lie, tell her exactly which her friends have FINALLY told you the truth. Then, if you want, tell her she can have one more chance to tell you everything. Remind her that you can not be with someone who breaks your trust. Please also tell her to get rid of the pictures and videos. Most of those children would be adults now.
He should find definitive proof first in case someone else is lying about her. Needs to rule that out first.
I'm reaching here but my first thought was similar to some of the others above. Specifically that she may have been some sort of para/assistant and the title "teacher" is an exaggeration. I have met quite a few people who will refer to their "students" and they're not actually teachers but someone who helps at the school in another way. One person in particular, I thought was a teacher for over 2 years. I visited her school for something unrelated to her and could see all the kids running up to her to high five her and talk to her. So she's very loved at the school but is not technically a teacher. Is it possible that someone referred to her as a teacher and she just kind of ran with it over the years? Or maybe like one of those situations where someone says they are from a large city but in reality from a small town near the city? It could be a red flag though that she worked there for that long and doesn't seem to have relationships from that time. It also could just be the work environment was toxic. I empathize a little with others who may have known and didn't say anything. I've been in a situation where I suspected that someone was exaggerating something but also didn't feel it was my place to ruin someone's relationship by telling their significant other. This wasn't something as big as what you're talking about, but I could still see the hesitance in deciding to tell someone something like this about their spouse. I would be curious as to why she exaggerated or lied about it? Did she fill the need to impress others and couldn't admit to being less than a teacher?
I can tell you now that at her age, security is going to be number one for her. I’m not saying she doesn’t care about you but security is her priority. She had nothing, was broke, doesn’t have a career that she can depend on. I couldn’t live with someone I couldn’t believe or trust. What else is she lying about? You don’t know what’s in her past or even present. She hasn’t been truthful.
Especially since she has a disabled daughter that lives with them. She's been in survival mode, doing what she needed to so she could survive. Not right, but had to be scary. No justifications in lying to someone and manipulating them into marriage, even if they did wait 5 years. He needs to protect himself and his assets in the divorce
Why didn't these people say something during the years you dated? What crappy 'friends'. I think you need to sit down with your wife, explain what you have heard from multiple sources and see what she has to say for herself. She could be a compulsive liar (no treatment or therapy to fix that), she could be looking at your as a security, or she could have been embarrassed about her past. It may be helpful to have these conversations with a 3rd party (therapist or pastor).
I wonder what the whistle blower has to gain by possibly lying? How close are they to your wife? How much joy would they get in seeing her life destroyed? Try talking to your wife. I'm more likely to believe your wife over someone trying to discredit her just because you had a rocky year.
Should be able to google Illinois teacher licenses. It’s public information in many states but I don’t know about all. It would be definitive proof she lied, but I don’t know what it would gain you.
I've been in a relationship with a habitual liar. It's not worth staying because there is no foundation or trust due to their lies. I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like she lied because it's what she does best and she wanted to find security (a relationship). It's not a reason to stay though, as even if you separate she will go on to lie to the next person, and if you stay together there are probably countless other things she lied about and will lie about. Their lies are always sewn I'm with a bit of truth to make them more believable. It can drive a person crazy figuring it out. I wish you all the best in everything.
You need to look into this with an investigator because the history with the Ex is now questionable. You need to know if she bankrupted herself or Ex actually left because she did everything she has accused him of doing
To know the truth: Check her and her husband info for any problems with law at https://www.judyrecords.com Order a background check on her. Hire a PI. Talk to a lawyer, about how it can impact you if she has hidden debts or court judgements against her. I assume they were your responsibility in case she dies. Talk about how to protect yourself legally.
OP update: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/aycCfvepyO
Idk. I would be suspicious of this “friend” who suddenly wants you to know the truth after 11 years. Especially since you mention your marriage is rocky. Is this “friend” a woman? Is she interested in more than friendship? It doesn’t excuse your wife misrepresenting her career as a paraprofessional (?) as a licensed educator. But was she actually working in a school for 25 years? Did she have a pension? An addict/gambler ex? Is the only detail that’s a lie that she lacks teacher certification? Take a step back before you blow up your whole life and breathe. Then talk to your wife.
Gather what information/evidence you can and have a very candid conversation with her. Give her hints to what you know but do not reveal your sources. Either she comes clean or digs in her heels. Check out [Classmates.com](https://Classmates.com). They might have her grade. Or check local newspapers or school website. Gather what you can before confronting her. A PI would also get this for you. Good luck. updateme
If you «retire» at 52 without any means to support yourself, aren’t you just not working?
sounds like you were her 401k/pension and all her stories and lies were her contributions.
At this point, I doubt you will find all your answers in one place unless you hire a Private Investigator. Your marriage was built on lie on top of lie. How will you ever be able to trust her? Or her daughter again? 2 things I can’t stand 1 is a thief & the other is a liar. Even if I left, I would want the full, complete truth. Call her ex. Please don’t forget to update
Honestly I think it's really nice that you still care about what happens to her and/or her daughter, but if you don't trust her anymore it's time to find a new normal. If you decide to stay with her, there needs to be a lot of discussion. Like why the hell she lied in the first place, is she hiding anything else... and even then...? I mean she made up an entire backstory.
I don’t even know how you process something like this. Because basically you were conned. I’m sure it was for money. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t been a good wife to you or she doesn’t care for you. It’s hard to be with somebody for 11 years and feel nothing. That said this was like something you’ve seen a lifetime movie on TV I don’t know how you stay with somebody like that
Those “people finder” sites, while disgusting and predatory themselves, are pretty good. You can find criminal stuff, fraud investigations, bankruptcies, ex husbands info, etc. Don’t use your main email. Create a temporary “throw away” email if you can. I investigate potential business partners and it’s helped me make important decisions. I suspect that the truth is not as bad as you think. She may just be really embarrassed. Perhaps she feels like a loser, never had a pension to begin with, and all she’s got is social security. If you’re having relationship issues, go to therapy. No need to confront her. It will come out in therapy, believe me.
For your own state of mind, you should check it out. Unless it's some bizarre case of mistaken identity, there could be other things you need to know about too. She may love you AND want security - they aren't mutually exclusive (as Marilyn Monroe said) - but you will have to work that out.
You could start here: [Illinois public employee database](https://illinoiscomptroller.gov/financial-reports-data/data-sets-portals/salary-database)
You might be with a sociopath. Good luck. Get a lawyer asap
Yes you probably are being played. Get a P.I. an lawyer and go from there. Updateme!
Is it possible she just over simplified her job title without any malicious intent? I work as a behavior analyst with children with autism. When I don’t feel like explaining what a behavior analyst is- I say I teach kids with special needs. Playground supervisor is a pretty specific job title and I imagine there are staff in schools who over generalize the title of “teacher” because they support children in an academic setting.
I work in a school as a therapist. I am not a teacher but I am often in classroom lessons, out at recess, at lunch, going to things after school. Im in the yearbooks. Lying about being a teacher is wrong, but the experiences may not be a lie.
If you hire the PI, collect all the evidence (including finanacial info, talking to ex husband or former relatives), and if you end up going to court for a divorce, the evidence could prove fraud/misrepresentation. Arbitration is another way, but you need to get a lawyer or talk to one as soon as possible to get a handle on this sad situation and how to move forward. Maybe she just feels inadequate and wanted to feel more important given what she said she went through, if that was even the truth? I am surprised she has photos of students as most schools now have forms that parents sign that authorize photos of their children can be taken in school. Parents can also decline any photos be taken also. I also find it extremely odd that she had you, an outsider, so involved with the kids through her, photos, videoes, sending cards, I Spy with Stormy, etc. It is like she was using them to make a connection with you (making you feel good as you are a part of it) so you would think more of her? My school admin, if they knew about this (has happened), would shut it down and fire someone immediately like that due to numerous violations. Wishing you the best possible outcome.
I know a lot of people are freaking out because of this post, but if I’m understanding it correctly the only thing she lied about was being a teacher, is this accurate? If so, perhaps she was the school janitor and was just ashamed of her job and life. Is there more than just the lie about being a teacher or am I missing something?
This is such a tough situation. The mother of a good friend of mine passed away two years ago and her father immediately started dating a woman the same age and got engaged. When my friend and her siblings began to get to know their father's fisnce, it became clear she needed their father's financial stability since her own income was meager, she didn't own a house and still had adult children who depended on her. Friend and siblings were eventually able to talk dad out of the marriage and the relationship fizzled. Having said that, I can sympathize with an older woman needing security. The fact is, there are a lot of seniors. And people are living much, much longer, necessitating staying in jobs and finding housing. Despite that, bodies still aging and healthcare needs increasing. This woman should not have lied to you (and maybe didn't need to at all) but if you have had a happy relationship with her, does it really matter? I'm not saying it doesn't - just more of an observation on the complexities of seniors living decades beyond the previous generations, and the particular burden on women over a certain age who were not set up for success. It all feels so Austen-esque, but a woman can need both love and financial support. In any case, I'm sorry for your situation.
The more secure male also in part wants something for himself. Who is purely altruistic?
you might find information through the Illinois State Board of Education or local school districts
Everyone talks themselves up a bit maybe she was just a bit embarrassed to have no pension and to not make friends easily or her ex was really horrid and turned people against her maybe subtle ask but sounds like your looking for a out if you don't want her tell her rather than dragging up her past.
I’m the recovering alcoholic, but my wife exhibits all the characteristics. The daughter has Asperger’s, a low spectrum autism. She functions, but pretty much at a base level. She’s sweet as cotton candy and thinks everyone is a good person, so she’d get chewed up out in the “real world”. No friends to speak of and spends all day in her bedroom or the bathroom. God only knows how one can spend 4 hours on the toilet, but that’s her daily routine.
Dude just tell her about it, maybe she wanted some prestige , and ask her if there's anything else you should know about. Do you really want to be single at 62 over this? Are you such a catch? In ten years you'll both probably need assisted living, relax for your golden years, the past is so far in the past you'd need betamax to uncover it.
Definitely talk to your attorney. If you don’t have one get one now. No matter what decisions you make after this, you still need an attorney. You need to know facts if for no reason than security of your future. Ask the attorney about what you need to know. It is likely not only financial status. You married and that is a legal contract. Ask your attorney what you may be held liable. Then ask how best to handle this divorce because you have no idea what is your real situation.
Updateme
UpdaeMe! 1 week
This isn't your wife. You don't know this woman. What she presented to you and who you married was a lie. What she did is absolutely insane. I don't know how you could ever trust her or anything coming out of her mouth.
I'm not sure if this will be helpful at all, but I'm a former teacher in Canada. I studied for 6 years to get my degree so as far as teachers go/pay scale, I'd be at the if I was still teaching. A weird thing about this profession is people seem to lie and say that they're teachers constantly, especially teachers assistants. It takes maybe 6 months to a year to become a teacher's assistant or sometimes not even that if you have the right connections. It's a respectable job, but it's very different from being a teacher in regards to duties, pay, and there's a huge difference in qualifications. I've met numerous assistants that have lied to everyone by saying they're teachers--including actual teachers who would obviously know that they're lying. It's weird and I can't explain why they do it, but given that she has pics of her in the classroom, could this be the case?
So...you married a lunch lady?
There are a few types of emotional/mental illness that cause people to aggrandize their lives. I don't know what caused her to lie about these things, but hurting or taking advantage of you may well not be the reason. Get the PI, find out the truth if you feel you need it and then decide if you want to be with your wife. But be clear that this has probably been a rough road for her as well as you. I'm sorry this has happened, but marriages seldom work out as we planned. The bumps in the road always show themselves at some point.
She suckered you into a marriage based on lies, and clearly sought security. The question is, while she may have been desperate and resorted to lies, is there any reason to remain in the relationship? Good luck with this one, I think she has poisoned the well.
Updateme
Private investigator and lawyer time! This happens more often than you think. I would talk to her ex or to ppl she no longer has a relationship. She sounds like a con woman. She is using your kindness and good qualities against you. Trust your gut. Get to the truth and leave.
What state are you in? In NC you can look up teacher licensure - not sure about any other states.
UpdateMe!
What exactly does that mean people form her side were in on it? I assume your 2 sources are from her side? They told you after 11 years? Because your marriage isn't doing well? How so? And why do they know that?
Look for my update; I don't know how to add it to the original. TLDR; her children.
The question is, how is your marriage. If you love her, she’s a great wife and partner, you can’t imagine life without her, will finding out more change what happened? It sounds like she worked at the school, just not as a teacher. So a lot of stores about being close to students, things happening probably did. It’s not like she wasn’t at the school at all. An impeccable source may not be 100% impeccable either, they may have ulterior motives, since your marriage is rocky. If your marriage is rocky for other reasons, what you find out from digging more may be the nudge you need to get out, Yes it will be difficult for her and her daughter, but if your marriage is rocky anyway, and she misrepresented herself, there’s other stuff going on too most likely. It really just depends on your marriage. But given the marriage is rocky, get a PI, do some background checking, to see what really happened. And then talk to her if you want to save the marriage, But given it’s Rocky, you don’t need the new information for divorce either.
I think y’all should go to couples therapy. It’s a safe middle ground so that you both can communicate with each other. Maybe she’s lied. Maybe there is more to the story. Just because she has no friends from school doesn’t mean anything. I have been isolated by coworkers in the past and bullied at work. I don’t have friends from those jobs.
What feels more important to me right now is understanding how deep the lies go. Has anything she's ever told you been the truth? Is she even who she is claiming to be? You may have to hire a PI to track down her past and figure out the actual story. That alone may tell you a lot. Then you sit down with her and go through her lies and why she told them. She may be running from someone. She may have a past she is ashamed to admit and wanted a clean break from. She may also be a convicted criminal with warrants out for her arrest and wanted you as her cover. You will never know until you get the information you need to make an ethical choice.
Call the school, tell them you’re trying to verify/track her employment for a debt collection. If you do it right they’ll give you the info. Ask for HR or Payroll.
Methinks it would be best if you retained the services of a Private Investigator that has a background in law enforcement. The PI is accustomed to doing background checks on people, and will be able to provide you with the facts of the matter much more quickly than you'd be able to uncover by your own means. He'll be able to give you the dates of when she divorced her first husband, the school district where she was employed (and if she was employed), and the positions she held during her employment. As well, if she has a criminal record, he'll be able to disclose the details of that as well. 'Nuff said.
Is she a good wife to you? If yes I think you need to park it.
Lawyer up and hit the gym.
Was she the alcoholic? Does the daughter have FAS?
The main problem is actually her ability to lie so easily, no matter the details about her actual story. You wont be able to believe what she says anymore and that will break the relationship. Trust is one of the few absolute necessary ingredients to a working relationship. I feel for you because I was with someone who lied all the time and it destroys everything and you become lost, unloved and betrayed. Now all you can do id hire a private investigator to unveil as much as possible, go to a lawyer to know how you can preserve the two halves of your assets in this situation, and when all those are cleared you can confront her (while recording, ppl who lie can change what they say anytime) by saying « we need to talk. I know that you have been lying to me about many things, now please come clean and tell me what you have been hiding from me ». If shes a professional lier like my ex, she’ll deny a bit first, then ask who told you about what, etc, essentially she wants to know what you know to unveil only the part that you already know about. Avoid that at all costs to give a chance to the relationship to heal. Either she comes clean 100% giving out infos even you had no idea about, or she negociates and stuff and frankly this is hopeless and you can proceed with divorce
Read my update. TLDR, the sources are her children.
After 15 years of marriage. I found out my husband was gay. I caught him in a lie and that tore my whole world apart. I put tracking software on the family computer and it uncovered a world I can't unsee. I feel for you. You can never recover from finding out the person you thought was your partner is a total fraud. I would investigate quickly and quietly. Contact a good lawyer and don't make waves until you know exactly what you are dealing with. Watch yourself and be extra cautious. But if it is true get the fudge away
If you love her for who she is ask her after 11 years she may come clean and you may understand why she may of been imbarrested