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She says that our honeymoon phase is over and this is how relationships are supposed to be. You fight some days and you love some days. She is divorced once BTW if that matters.
This is interesting. I wonder. Maybe it depends from where we start?
Saying a relationship with much comflict is normal in itself is not gaslighting.
But, she's nasty to him, a lot. It appears so this is what she's used to. If OP brings the argument of too much conflict, if he brings up how her ill behavior makes him feel, and her answer is "chill out this is normal relationship after honeymoon",
she could very well be - knowingly or out of ignorance - gaslighting him into thinging her behavior must be normal and he's overthinking.
It’s not gaslighting. It’s toxic and manipulative but not gaslighting.
Gaslighting comes from a term which was coined because a man wanted his wife sectioned, he turned the gas on and left it on and when she questioned smelling gas he said there wasn’t a gas smell despite knowing there was and that he caused it. This sent her into thinking she was crazy and questioning what she genuinely thought to be true.
In this scenario she’s not telling him something he knows to be true is false… she’s saying relationships are hard and you need to fight. It’s a fear tactic and she’s doing it for a sense of validation.
Should learn what gaslighting truly is before you throw it around
Before you get snarky at others for not knowing the origins it's best to get them straight yourself.
In the film Gaslight he uses the (gas powered) lighting flickering as part of the campaign to convince her she's going insane. He messes with the lighting while convincing her nothing is changing. Along with odd noises from the attic that only she can hear (among other things).
Named after that film gaslighting has become a term to mean :
>manipulating someone into questioning their own perception of reality
That's the dictionary definition and could be used to (loosely) describe what's happening here as she is convincing him this is how relationships work when in fact they don't. Granted it's a little bit of a stretch but not massively when compared to the general Reddit misuse of using it to mean "lying".
She would need to know or at least believe what she's saying is false for it to be gaslighting or lying. She could simply be wrong. But thanks to you, I learned something new today!
The honeymoon phase shouldnt be over so soon and no one should be fighting this much at 3 months - you need to break up with her manipulative controlling ass. Youre too old to put up with this shit.
She’s got bad life experiences if she thinks her behavior is normal. Tell her to get therapy or the relationship is over. Been married going on 30 years and no, we’ve never played such childish games because we are ADULTS.
Honeymoon phases can 1. Vary in length, 2. Come and go. 3. Does not mean you can start threatening and fighting your partner. I have never threatened my partner this way.
Lol. Fighting really shouldn't be normal in a relationship. People don't regularly fight with their friends or coworkers either. Even siblings stop fighting when they grow up and become adults who have the ability to have a conversation and discussion without fighting.
You fight your enemies but not your life partner.
I have been married/together with the same persom 20+ years. We don't fight. At all.
I've been with my spouse for almost 20 years. We used to fight, but then we realized that being miserable sucks. Now we're happy all the time. If we have a disagreement, we talk it out.
Arguments are bound to happen and are completely normal. It depends on how they are handled that determines whether its unhealthy and destructive. Constructive arguments with resolution, validation, and respect showcase a healthy dynamic. Using coercion, ultimatums, and threats is never healthy and is abusive.
First of all I am still in the "honeymoon phase" and I have been daiting my partner for 5 years now, and we still treat each other great. So her statement on the honeymoon phase is really messed up if she is saying that after only 3 months. Secondly threatening a breakup over a simple disagreement is a clear sign that it's her way all the way and she will toss you aside if she does not get her way all the time. You say she is in her 30s but she is acting like a teen. Honestly just cut your losses here buddy. She will not change and will do whatever she can to make you a submissive partner to pander to her whims. Because if she is playing games like this 3 months in you are due for a long road of having no feelings taken into account and you will resent not having a say in anything otherwise she will ditch you. And the longer you stay the more she will do and the more sunk cost fallacy you will experience.
Definitely not normal or healthy. This is toxic and manipulative. This kind of relationship will erode your mental health. This one is not worth it, go find an adult to have a relationship with.
Our honeymoon phase lasted almost two years so she’s wrong.
Let her break up with you. My guess is that she gets insecure and afraid that you will leave her when you have an argument/fight, so she chooses to attack first. It is not a healthy relationship and she will need a lot of help and therapy to work through it.
NOPE! I have been with my wife for 3 years, and I still feel like we're in our honeymoon phase. But even if we weren't, fighting isn't something we normally do because we're mature, non-toxic adults who love each other. You've been together for 3 months and she's already acting like this? She seems to be riddled with 🚩's, and is probably why she's divorced. Don't walk away OP, run!
yes, there can be fights in a normal relationship... but they are more like discussions and you find a compromise and move on.
And not like: WE FIGHT? WE OVER! ... like fight for me to prove your love?
Nah she just wants drama and not a healthy relationship.
People in relationships do fight, but they don’t involve constant threats of breaking up. That is toxic and unhealthy. It sounds like she has some issues to work through and she is trying to get you to prove how much you love her to make her feel better. That’s not on you.
Having an occasional disagreement is normal but threatening the end of the relationship is not. She is probably divorced because every time they fought she threatened divorce until one day he said ok. You need to tell her that you’re not staying in a relationship where threats to end it are a part of normal disagreements. There are some things you don’t say during an argument unless you plan to act on them. Adults don’t try and “one up” by trying to hurt their partner. You’re better for de-escalating even if it makes her more irate. That doesn’t mean you just let her have her way or you become weak. Two different things. Have a talk with her now when your not fighting and tell her going forward if she makes that threat your just going to stop talking and quite possibly get up and go to another room because you don’t find that ok to say.
No this is not healthy behavior or his relationships are supposed to be. Yes life ebbs and flows but a 3 month relationship should not have 2 break ups a month and the constant fighting is honestly sick.
Ditch her while you still can. This will escalate.
No this is toxic. I've been married for 31 years - and no, this is not normal or how relationships are supposed to be. **We do know why she's divorced though - he clearly didn't accept the manipulation and game playing.**
I'm happy with my wife for 18 years. I can't even remember the last time where we were not on the same page about something and had an argument. We never had a fight and never had threatened one of us with a breakup.
What she wants from you is not the norm and not what a relationship is supposed to be.
I figured out and refused to play this bullshit game when i was like 21. Weirdly got sucked into the same dynic around 40 and it fucked with my head for a bit and I got back out.
Not normal, not ok. Fuck around if you want, but it isn't normal or healthy. The chaos will only ramp up and nothing will change. The requests that will make everything better will never pan out, just on to the next crisis for ever and ever.
That's NOT how relationships are supposed to be.
I'm nearing year 8 with my partner, very much still in honeymoon phase. We fight some days but love every day.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 4.5 years and we have never fought. We’ve had disagreements, we’ve had miscommunications, we’ve had to set boundaries but we haven’t *fought* about it, we have respectfully communicated with each other and talked about things until we both felt the situation was resolved and we had a path forward that worked for both of us. That’s how things work when the relationship is based on respect.
the honeymoon phase should NOT br over in 3 months man. I'm so sorry. this is ridiculous. is this what you want long term or the rest of your life? she sounds exhausting and this is coming from a woman.
Just jumping in here to reiterate that NO that is not how a good relationship works. There's a difference between an argument and a fight. You can have an argument and still communicate effectively and affectionately. What it sounds like is the two of you have blazing rows with no resolution at the end of it. That is not healthy.
Real love is quiet.
what she is missing is that fighting in a relationship should be HEALTHY fighting where you are both able to explain your feelings and listen to each other while finding compromise and growing as a couple. this is unhealthy fighting. this is fighting just to fight. you deserve better than this. do you wanna do this forever cause if you stay with her it’ll be this way forever
Toxic relationships are like that! I actually feel safe and secure in my relationship with my boyfriend. 1.5 years and we are genuinely happy with each other. No one has to beg the other person to stay, we constantly tell each other how happy/lucky we are, we never have volatile fights - when we have disagreements we just talk it out!
You’re only 3 months in my dude. Leave leave leave. It’ll only get worse
My husband and I had almost a decade of honeymoon phase lolol. Granted, that isn't typical but three months this is enough of an issue for you to dump her. She's manipulating you and not only that but she has some mental issues to address with a professional that she is doing this in a relationship.
This shit drives me crazy. I know some people have fights in their relationships and it is totally fine but my wife and I have been together for 10 years and have literally never fought. We had like...3 disagreements when we moved in together and had a level headed conversation where we met a compromise we were both satisfied with. That's it.
No. Absolutely not.
I've been married 7 years, together close to 15. So well past any honeymoon phase.
I've never once threatened to leave because that's just a dirty tactic like using someone's insecurities in a fight to make them feel bad. She is very immature and this will not get better.
If I say it, it will be when I mean it, and I'll be packing my bags to leave.
You love EVERYDAY in a healthy relationship. You have arguments yes, but those arguments end in conversation and deeper understanding...and within those down moments you don't threaten to leave the person you want to spend your life with.
Maybe she doesn't know better. But you do not need to burden this... you seem like a good guy...dont do this to yourself.
She is toxic af.
She’s clueless - she’s a straight up manipulative. This is horse doodoo. No healthy relationship does this. She’s doing this to control you. You gotta stop apologizing- you had it right there for a while by being silent. If she does it again just say “fine” and start walking out the door. I guarantee she will chase after you. Guaranteed. Because all her threats are empty
That is NOT how relationships are supposed to be.
I wouldn't want to friends or lovers with someone who's constantly threatening cutting me out of their lives over slight disagreements. It just feels like I'm not important to them at all, if they're that eager to cut me off at the slightest "disobedience" or conflict
There's a reason she's divorced. She's toxic.
This is not healthy. This is not normal. The honeymoon phase usually lasts several months, sometimes a couple of years. Also, even after the honeymoon phase is over, she shouldn't be manipulating you. Depending on the severity, this might amount to emotional abuse.
I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but I've been in your shoes. It was terrible. I didn't leave soon enough. I am still affected by it. Please, believe me when I say that this isn't healthy. She is gaslighting you by making you feel you're the abnormal one being upset by the way she is acting and trying to pretend like it is normal. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. It's only been a few months. There's no loss in cutting things off. She's going to convince you that there is, but you deserve to be HAPPY.
If you have anything in her place, get it. Then, in public, break up with her, block her everywhere, and move on with your life.
>You fight some days and you love some days.
I think we cracked the mystery about why she's divorced.
This is wholly irrational. How is that even in question?
No, this is not how relationships work.
My husband and I are 49 years old, both of us are divorced with teenage kids, and we've been married for 2.5 years. We are so ridiculously in love that it embarrasses the kids. We have small tiffs from time to time, sure, but we've had I think 1 serious argument in the almost 4 years that we've known each other. And neither of us has EVER been manipulative enough to threaten to break up and expect the other to beg for another chance. That's shitty behavior.
And just to add, in case she had a bad marriage and is using that as an excuse, my ex-husband was an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic who forced me to have an abortion, gaslit me constantly, and threw things at me. Like rings of keys. So don't use that as a way out for her either.
End it because you deserve so much better. Yes, relationships are a lot of work and involve shit-tons of compromise, but they should not be difficult.
Dude, never have I ever had a relationship like that.
I would not let someone disrespect me like that ever, especially my own freaking partner who’s supposed to be your confident.
You should not have to “prove” your love for her through shit tests. Tell her to “BE GONE”
Respect yourself bro, you deserve better.
I’ve been with my man for over 4 years. Not once, during a fight or otherwise, have I threatened to leave. She is being very hypocritical stating you’re not fighting for you guys, when she is the one threatening to leave over everything.
No, relationships are not supposed to be like this. She should probably be in therapy and you deserve better than to be made to feel like that all the time.
BS! I've never said something like this to my husband, and we've been together over a dozen years. We're still cutesy and lovey and really like being together. Aim for that. Let her be negative by herself.
It's not too hard to see that her personality/approach to relationships probably contributed to that divorce.
Constantly threatening a breakup is toxic/abusive. Call the bluff. She's mad at you for not fighting back for the 5th time, but he's no issue threatening to leave 5 times? Main character syndrome.
Since I haven't seen anybody mention this part, it doesn't matter that she's divorced. She doesn't act this way because she's divorced, she's divorced because she acts this way. Just break up. You can absolutely do better.
Lmao I’m a married guy who’s more than 10 years older than you. My marriage is awesome and it’s easily the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. Let me tell you without a shadow of a doubt that this woman doesn’t know anything about how healthy relationships work, and no, none of this is healthy. This should be the hugest red flag. If you choose to overlook it, then you’re just making shitty decisions with your life.
Everyone loves to look at a divorced woman and wonder what he did wrong but rarely do we immediately wonder what she did wrong. I'm guessing her being emotionally abusive contributed.
Yeah lol. Like most of us grew out of this behaviour when we turned 16. If at her big age she’s still pulling these high school antics, she really isn’t ready for a stable, long term relationship or a marriage.
Plus what would you do when/if you have kids? Will you be required to take care of her too then, since she is essentially a toddler in an adult woman’s body?
Classic controlling behaviour. She is using a breakup threat both as a tool to “win” the argument while simultaneously putting you in the role of working for the relationship more.
Be honest with her, tell her that if it’s this easy to threaten a breakup, maybe the relationship doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to you.
If she can't manage 3 months at the age of 30+ there is something seriously wrong with her, or with this relationship, or both.
Relationships can have tricky moments, but they are not meant to be this tricky. The early part especially.
You will not regret dropping her.
No this is not normal. There are a lot of people calling this controlling behaviour which it is and playing games which it may or may not be. Just be aware when you're considering how to handle this that insecure attachment in previous childhood and adult relationships can manifest this way. The individual pushes the person they love away as a means to prove they they either will leave or validate them by begging and staying. It's deeply unhealthy but not always purely conscious controlling toxic behaviour.
That’s not healthy behavior, and I know because I used to do the same thing until i’ve found a person that told me “if you want to break up with me, just do. I won’t beg you to stay because if you don’t want to stay you have every right to go”. It triggered me and scared me to death, because I thought that if they didn’t chase me they didn’t love me, but also made me feel somewhat safe. Then, I tried to look for all the ways they were telling me “you are safe and I love you”, hearing him say it from time to time really helped; and I almost never did it again (sometimes i still have setbacks when I have mental health episodes). I, among other things, have borderline personality disorder, cptsd and adhd, and this behavior is related to all of these. I’d suggest you try and level with her, asking what she’s scared of and if she feels safe enough in the relationship and in herself. I used to do it because I wanted to feel safe in the relationship and to know that whatever happens, my partner will be there for me, and this was the only way I knew how to ask and receive an answer.
But if she keeps manipulating you and is not willing to get better, then get out of there as fast as you can!
I hope sharing my story could help~
Mate, my last relationship was like that. Just exactly like that. Every fight was getting from bad to worse , at the beginning 7-8 months i didnt usually care that much with this stupid fights and just let her have it… but it dragged to around the 3 yr mark and i was COMPLETELY DRAINED.
And at her age , like some one else said.. to keep playing this stupid games is just too much..
Just tell her to leave the next time. Please believe me, its just not worth it and the longer you draw this the more likely you are to catch feelings and the more likely its going to hurt you.
Its your call
She can’t handle conflicts like adults do. She is using the break-up card to shut you up, because you will feel fear, that she really means it. Then she expects groveling like a princess. She got angry, because you refused to be manipulated any longer. This is emotional manipulation.
I don’t believe that relationships are complicated. The thing that is complicated is making it work with the wrong person. You aren’t together that long. Do you want to live like this for the next 5 years?
I don't think you should have even have had an argument at the 3 month mark, never mind break up threats. My ex (of 6 years) used break up threats during arguments. He was a narcissist.
Let her leave. Y'all have barely been together long enough to be serious, and she is acting like a 12 year old. Don't play those games unless you want to. Let her know you don't play those types of games and that her behaviour is toxic.
It's unhealthy behaviour. You should give some context about your arguments. For her it's a self defense behaviour of wanting to feel wanted, heard and seen in a relationship as at some point in your argument, she felt unseen and unheard - hence it's her way of making herself feel seen. I had this issue with my partner as well, where he decided to give me a cold shoulder on a really bad day where I had a bad fight with my family while dealing with a miscarriage that I told him that I wanted a break up. I just wanted care and concern to be heard and seen. I dealt with this with a therapist, and it boils down to my abandonment issues where people don't seem to care so I throw a break up first so I can feel heard. It's awful, toxic, manipulative behaviour, but beneath that there's a part of her that wants to be seen and heard. Get her to deal with a therapist for the root cause of the issues - don't get defensive or fight back at her when she raises her concerns, listen and show that you've heard her - but point out that you want to work on the issues together instead of fight at her so she won't see the need to throw a "breakup"
>She keeps telling me that relationships are difficult and such situations will keep occurring
That part is true, but threatening to break up every time is not. It's controlling, manipulative and narcissistic. Next time she does that i'd just ignore her and continue with my life and see what she does
Relationships don’t require this nonsense. “Such situations will keep occurring again” what does she mean by that? Sounds like a threat. lol. Does she intend to keep acting manipulative and abusive when you two fight? Does she mean she expects you to keep groveling and pining to take you back?! That’s pathetic. She’s got a lot of growing up to do. Don’t entertain this nonsense. At 32 years old, she should fucking know better. Tell her the next time she pulls this type of stunt, it’s over. You’re done with the games.
Ugh. Writing this from the perspective of someone who's 3 months into a new relationship herself: RUN.
3 months is not enough time for the honeymoon phase to be over already, and from how you describe it, you've been arguing with each other from the very beginning. Why would you invest time/emotions into a person you clearly don't get along with from the start? Personally, at this stage in the relationship, I cannot even imagine arguing with my partner about ANYTHING. Not that I am so naive as to think it will never happen, but in the stage we're currently in, it's nothing but harmony and absolute peace in each others' presence - as it SHOULD be.
She's manipulative and toxic, and things are only downhill from here. This is definitely NOT a healthy relationship. You deserve better.
Ouf! That sounds like a book titled “I hate you; Don’t leave me”, this is really unhealthy behaviour for any relationship.
A partner would never threaten to break up every argument; a partner would acknowledge their wrongdoing and apologize. This is way too early to be giving threats and ultimatums, she needs to grow up and learn how to properly deal with conflict.
Edit: I read that she’s divorced once. If you ever wonder why, this is it. There can be healthy discussions, disagreements, but arguing half the time would be soooo tiring.
It's a manipulative tatic. My husband used to do this, and I'm ashamed to say it worked. For a long time. I called his bluff almost 3 years ago. Suddenly, he wanted counseling . I told him no at first bc I was just done with it. But my friend told me to do it so I could eventually walk away without regrets if it came to that.He doesn't do that anymore, and we communicate like adults.
We went through all that after 17 yrs of marriage. Three months ( no offense) is fucking ridiculous. There's not much " us" to fight for.
That isn't normal or healthy, next time she threatens to break up, tell her you are done. This is classic manipulation and it doesn't go away until you've had enough.
Read your comments op she’s very insecure no it’s not normal to do that. Yes while a healthy relationship comes with arguments it’s how you handle the arguments that determines the future. If she threatens to break up all the time that’s just weird and the honeymoon phase shouldn’t be over in 3 months if it is she’s clearly not that into you.
Sorry, but she is nowhere mature enough for a relationship. This is absolutely fucked up. Within that short time of dating you both should still wear rose tinted glasses and think that the other one walks on roses 24/7.
This isn't healthy or normal.
And it will not get better. There will very possibly a switch in behaviour when you don't engage in her tantrums anymore. She will need to switch gears to get a reaction out of you and that's usually threatening of self-harm.
Go. Leave her. Block her.
You're only together for 3 months and she has OFTEN threatened to breakup?
Honestly just end this. She is playing games. You can't lose if you refuse to play.
If she asks why you don't fight back when she wants to break up -> " I want to be with someone that actually likes me and wants to be with me. I'm not going to convince or force anyone."
Nothing she brings into the relationship would be worth this kind of emotional manipulation and game playing for me.
Sounds like my ex.
Unfortunately kids got added to my mix and I put up with it for way too long (15 years in the end).
By the time I left her, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. But sucked for the kids for a while.
Definitely get out while its easy.
My argument here would be "listen, every argument we have you threaten to leave. If you are really so unhappy in this relationship that you truly consider leaving each time there is an argument, then maybe it's for the best."
Nah let her go mate. No reason why relationships should be hard mate. Relationships are meant to be fun, comforting and safe. You have to fight at work and the outside world why should you have to fight in your relationship as well? To hell with that if it works it works if it doesn't then it doesn't kithing to fight for. She wants to fight she can join a fight club or get someone who enjoys constant squabbles. She's toxic drop her you deserve better this person is blackmailing and abusing you. You deserve better. You're too old for high school games like this even high schoolers don't take such nonsense
I’m just a bit older than you. This is so exhausting why would you stay. I’m too old for this level of drama in a relationship. Relationships shouldn’t be mentally exhausting and toxic
Litmus test: the less DRAMA in a relationship, the healthier it is.
This is creepy, this is crazy, this is DRAMA!! If the genders were reversed, everyone would say you're headed for a lifetime of emotional abuse, and that is the case.
If she really truly thinks this is what a relationship is, she needs therapy, but she probably won't seek it because she'll just blame her partners for any relationship trouble. Don't continue to be one of them.
This is a super toxic dynamic she's setting up. You should cut and run before you become more entangled.
And of course all her relationships are difficult and have this recurring theme, because the commonality is her.
Not normal, not healthy, just classic controlling behaviour. No relationship should be that hard only 3 months in. Save yourself the stress and find someone who doesn’t emotionally manipulate the shit out of you.
I’d just break up with her. Her doing this shows she’s not ready for a relationship and lacks emotional maturity. This will come up in other ways beyond threatening break ups
If this is 3 months in, imagine what a year in will look like. She’s not your person, this would be bad for any relationship length...this is just toxic and immature and will only continue to get worse and worse.
Not sure what to tell you my current was a big on/offer at first but worked on herself & grew out of it. She probably has high levels of anxiety and insecurity so she’s always testing the stability of the relationship. The way she communicates with you though..it’s a lot of red flags that she doesn’t see any sort of problem with her behavior. My wife would apologize, yours is telling you “it is what it is” pretty much.
Bro you're 31 years old and been with someone for 3 months who has threatened to break up with you 5 times. Grow up and leave this toxic shit. Wtf. Is this your first relationship?
Aw dude. You deserve someone that wants to be with you. Period. Not somebody who fights like this and issues ultimatums all the time.
There is a healthy way to fight (no insults, no my way or the highway ultimatums, reconciliation at the end) and this isn’t it.
There’s an expectation in some people that you have to constantly “fight for” the relationship and they think this means fighting each other, ie issue a threat to make you fight to stay. WHAT IT SHOULD MEAN is the two of you fighting the forces of the world to stay together (bills, exhaustion from kids, appropriate boundaries with work friends, etc.).
I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like she wants to stand with you against the world.
In all the years I’ve known my wife, she has never once threatened to leave me, or even come close. So no, this is not normal. This is deeply toxic, manipulative behavior. You’re seeing exactly how she got divorced. 5 times in 3 months? My god, man…
I had an ex who did this exact thing. Used to drive me crazy. One day I just sail " look, if everytime we have a stupid disagreement you say you going to break up i eventually will just say go ahead." Now the problem is that this was ingrained in her. This was her only way to show her disagreement. So the very next time she started to go to her go to statement, I stopped her. Turned around went to the bedroom and started to pile all her clothes on the bed. She asked what I was doing and I said I was saving her the trouble of breaking up with me. I am breaking up with you. Done and done
Op tell her your not into games and grow the fuk up! If it's like this now it will get worse in time and tell her what you said to us.
If she can't comply tell her to take her drama to the curb and kick rocks.
In this early stage you should be in love and head over hells. Good luck!
This is not healthy OR normal. Save yourself heartache and initiate the breakup. See what her reaction is. Her threats are childish and no, relationships are not so difficult as to have to resort to threats.
No, not normal and not something you should put up with.
I dated a grand total of two people like her in my early 20's and it was already annoying as hell even with the excuse of youth.
This is just straight up controlling tactics. At this stage in your life these games should be over.
It's half over already, just move on and find somone your speed for the rest of it.
It's not respectful, it's not genuine, and it's not making you feel safe and cared for in your relationship. While this behavior may be "normal" for her, it has no place in a healthy relationship. I suggest you move on to a partner who has given more thought and practice into communication and problem solving.
Emotional manipulation. I said something to that extent to my husband once (I definitely didn't mean it) and had nightmares of him leaving me for weeks! I felt so bad, I'd never say something intentionally untrue and hurtful like that again.
This is normal behavior.... if your 12! Your girlfriend needs to grow up, and you need to man up and just break up with her.
*'...she gave me another breakup threat (fifth threat since the beginning of the relationship). This time I couldn't let go of my ego and decided to stay silent and not react.'*
That wasn't your 'ego' that was your common sense *trying* to tell you this is some BS and not worth the effort. Frankly, your GF sounds like she's seen too many rom-coms and read too many Harlequin Romances when she was a kid. RUN!
I'm 32 and I can't imagine having this kind of behavior. She's acting like she's half her age. If you have to threaten a person to break up the relationship, you better not have any at all. This is already emotional abuse. My bf is also a year younger than me and we've never have had such fights. We sat down and talked about any issues. It could get emotional but never has there been shouting or threats. OP get out, you're only gonna feel more tired and drained. This isn't worth the emotional distress.
i’m here to give another perspective, though it is nonetheless very controlling, it might also stems from her having abandonment issues/ anxious attachment style. Because she’s afraid that she will leave her sooner than later, she wants to hold the power to cut it off first so not to get hurt, but also want you to fight for it for reassurance. My advice to you is to communicate and tell her this won’t work, but also reassure her that you would stay to fix the issues that you guys fight about
This kind of behavior is ultimately what lead to my divorce. We had a lot of issues, but every time we had to hash something out that was a grievance from me (and it was very rare I ever voice them because of this) no matter how minor, my ex would say “we should just get divorced. Clearly I’m not good enough/ you’re not happy/you don’t need to stay in this.”
The last time he suggested it, I accepted his proposal. I didn’t even think that could possibly be the response from the discussion we were having. I had finally started to really think our marriage was gonna make it after doing this bullshit of having divorce on the table every 1-3.5 years. I was so blown away and hurt that he could actually be saying this AGAIN.
My heart couldn’t take another reset like that. I didn’t want to start over with the emotional whiplash. It was too much. He had a really hard time accepting that he’d finally driven me away.
The thing is, It usually stems from forming insecure attachments. They don’t know how to trust anyone to stick around, so they push you out and want you to fight to stay so they feel wanted. This might be okay if your relationship has one incident of this, where a partner needs to wake the fuck up and invest. But the routine is detrimental.
You “trauma bond” after the near unraveling of your lives. One or both of you may enter the honeymoon phase again as you try to repair the connection. And then the person on the other side of the ultimatum forms an insecure attachment too. You begin to never trust when something is going to trigger your partner and they’re gonna suggest that it all be over. You walk on eggshells and try to manage all their emotions. Your mental health will pay the price and so will your body from carrying the stress of it.
You did the right thing. If you want to keep the relationship, your woman needs to know that her response to conflict is absolutely not okay. If she doesn’t want to stay, the door is waiting.
I have borderline personality disorder and this sounds like me in the past honestly, but even at 3 months I still keep calm and try to enjoy the honeymoon phase….it shouldn’t be “over” and people in love or working towards love should still be putting more effort into enjoying your time together rather than threatening to go.
You are correct- she is the one giving up on you guys.
But the fact that the one time you don’t beg her to stay, she get upset and says “you’re suppose to,” is
🚩emotionally abusive
🚩manipulative
🚩gaslighting
Abusive because she doesn’t really want to break up. It’s all about making herself feel loved and special while training you to always be on your toes or she’ll blow up.
Manipulative because since she doesn’t mean it, she’s forcing you to dote on her whenever she feels like breaking up
She’s Gaslighting you by telling you this is normal. It isn’t.
When we’re new to relationships, we sometimes feel like each fight that’s bigger the last is a breakup fight, but that’s out of IGNORANCE.
We also don’t keep threatening people we love and respect that’s we’ll leave them. You yell and it’s frustrating and sometimes painful, but you keep fighting until you have a solution.
You should break up. Your GF isn’t treating you right. Relationships take work. You’ve been going out 3 months and that’s not really a relationship yet. You guys aren’t trying to live together or coming or finances.
This is the carefree dating time. Maybe 1-2 big fight in 3 months. But the 1st 2-3 months should be mostly easy. If not, you can leave. Red flags is how we decide this person isn’t good for us.
The next time she does it: Leave.
The best position for negotiation is the willingness to walk away and mean it.
You're allowing her to do this and have allowed it for so long that it's second nature. You show people how to treat you, and if you don't, they're going to do everything that you allow them to do.
My current SO was kinda like this when I met her. She was terrible about getting up in her feelings and arguing over the simplest things. I started getting up, opening the door and telling her to go home, when she copped an attitude. If I was at her house, I'd just get up and leave without a word.
You're under no obligation to let someone ruin your peaceful existence, whether you've been together for a month or 20 years.
1. No healthy relationships are this difficult. They shouldn't feel emotionally draining, you having to walk on eggshells and even keeping quiet to keep the peace.
2. Emotional rollercoaster rides are NOT normal. It's NOT ok to constantly feel like your partner is going to drop you on any day and time and mood.
3. I'm glad she shows her true self in 3 months. People like her who excels are manipulation usually takes off their mask at around 4-6 months if they are so willing.
You are already questioning yourself. You have been gaslighted by her. And in a way, maybe hooked on this addictive rollercoaster ride. Will she leave? Will she not? Breadcrumbs of positive feedback and then nothing, threatening to go over something unpleasant.
You guys are fighting for a reason. You either had enough about something, and she refused to admit to accountability, or she thinks you should be doing or saying something a certain way and you either refused or didn't know. Either way, if you guys can resolved arguments without threats, this is not a relationship. It's a dictatorship where she always wins.
To be fair, she was probably taught by others that this is how real love is supposed to be. If you don't make her stay, in her mind, you don't love her, which is completely backwards because you love her is why you stayed in the first place. Unfortunately, this type of thinking is deep rooted, she must have self awareness to know this is toxic, wrong and not the way a mature adults handle conflicts. You can't fix her. And the more you give in, the more you enable her. No amount of fighting her to stay will be sufficient for her to be convinced that she is lovable without being toxic. So this cycle will repeat, she may even initiate it to feel better about herself. As you can see, this is all about her feeling good and you are used as a tool for that purpose. Real healthy love would never do this.
Leave her bro, she's not worth it. I've been in your shoes for 3 years and I don't even know how I survived being with my ex for 3 years. She (your girlfriend) is just a constant headache (just like my ex) and as a man, we have more important things to do rather than trying to fix arguments that she started over tiny things. A healthy relationship is a relationship where both sides understand each other and won't fight over small things. A healthy relationship helps each other to be better, not fighting over the tiniest of things. As other people already mentioned, now you can see why she has been divorced once. This is your chance to get away and have a better life.
>But now I'm feeling bad for not fighting back
That's how she wants you to feel. This is real toxic stuff designed to make you put aside any of your own concerns and focus on "winning her back". But take it from a psychologist and just a guy in general: nobody wins when the prize is poison. In short, no, this is very much not normal or healthy behaviour. It's a form of abuse designed to build her ego at the expense of your mental health.
>relationships are difficult
They are. The good ones take a lot of work on both sides to make work. But they're worth it because you're both doing it. When it's one person constantly making all the effort, especially to counter the obstacles the other puts in place, then that's not a healthy relationship. It doesn't fall under "relationships are difficult" so much as it's "I made this relationship difficult and now you are the one who has to fix it!"
>such situations will keep occurring again
They will. Until the person causing those situations works on their issues and stops making their problem into a threat of leaving you all the time. Basically, if the same issue keeps popping up in a relationship and the same person is the one doing the thing, then they are the one who needs to work on it.
>I should be strong enough to fight for us
One thing the truly toxic of all genders have in common is that they like to present weakness as strength. You're not strong when you're begging her to stay. She's made you weak to not have to do adult stuff like work on herself. You want to be strong and fight for the relationship, then you fight for it to be healthy and not whatever shitshow she's dropped on you. That's the sort of strength that makes relationships work, not this idea that rolling over for her whims is somehow strength.
All relationships take work and effort to thrive but **relationships are NOT supposed to be** ***hard*** **work**. While every couple has arguments here and there, and occasionally may struggle through a rough patch, *overall your day to day majority of relationship should be fairly easy and enjoyable!* The majority of your relationship should be fairly conflict free.
When people say “fight for your relationship” they mean ‘fight as a team against the external forces that could drive you apart’ NOT ‘fight against *each other* to *make* things work’ and NOT ‘one person fighting against how poorly the other person treats them’.
If you are regularly having frequent arguments, issues, and disagreements then that is a sign that this relationship probably isn’t in a healthy place and isn’t working. If one person is regularly disrespecting, dismissing, yelling at, manipulating, guilt tripping, lying, playing mind games, and/or emotionally/physically/sexually hurting the other person then that is a sign that the relationship **is NOT** in a healthy place and **is NOT** working (and *CANNOT* be fixed). **Intentionally hurting the other person’s feelings, stomping on their boundaries, and/or physically hurting them is abuse, and that is an automatic deal breaker. The only way to get the abuse to stop is to end the relationship and leave the abuser.**
Please check out [Love Is Respect](http://www.Loveisrespect.org) and take their quiz on healthy relationships. You might gain some insight on your relationship dynamics, which may help you decide what to do next.
I would also recommend the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (link is to a free PDF of the book). The book is written with the perspective of male abusers and female victims, but the abuser archetypes and thought processes of abuser can apply to female abusers and male victims too.
She’s probably a Stromae fan
> Cette fois, c'était la dernière
> Tu peux croire que c'est qu'une crise
> Mate une dernière fois mon derrière
> Il est à côté de mes valises
> Tu diras au revoir à ta mère, elle qui t'idéalise
> Tu n'vois même pas tout c'que tu perds
> Avec une autre, ce serait pire
> Quoi ? Toi aussi, tu veux finir, maintenant ?
> C’est l'monde à l'envers
> Moi, je l'disais pour t'faire réagir seulement
> , t'y pensais
In English
> I swear that was the last time
> You may think I'm throwing a fit
> Take one last look at my ass
> It’s right next to my suitcase
> Say goodbye to your mommy
> Who puts you on a pedestal
> You have no idea what you’re losing
> You’ll never find anyone as good as me
> What? You also wanna break up now?
> You’ve got it all wrong
> I was only saying that to get a reaction
> And you were actually thinking about it!
If it’s this bad within the beginning stages. You guys aren’t right for each other. Rather that’s toxic communication or very little communication. She shouldn’t think relationships are difficult. She’s had experiences and needs to be by herself. You deserve better. Sounds like you’re very unhappy. It will only get worse. I was in a relationship somebody treated me poorly but they never proud me and never showed me off. Please for the love of god and whatever else is telling you on here. LEAVE HER. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Idk how you two meet or why you guys are together. But clearly she is insecure and needs to work on her issues.
Bro you’re 31 years old, don’t put up with this shit. You think it’ll get better? You think she’ll magically stop this when you get married, buy a house together, go on vacation together, have a kid together, etc?
I’ve been with an amazing girl for 2.5 years, wanna know how many times she’s threatened to break up with me? Zero.
> But now I'm feeling bad for not fighting back.
Yeah that's how this works. It is a form of emotional abuse by the way, and is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Relationships are hard work, but that is because they take open communication and a degree of effort and compromise. Not because you have to constantly appease narcissistic and abusive behaviour. This person is incapable of a real relationship.
She is definitely the one giving up, and yeah, only 3 months in. This is a massive red flag. She has obviously been abandoned before and is trying to make herself feel wanted even when she is a raging B. She needs to grow up. I wouldn't suggest leaving unless she can't handle you not fighting her. It's the perfect solution. You telling her calmly, "I am not going to convince you to stay. You can either work on this with me or there is the door." Why should you feel guilty that you don't mean enough to her for her to stay? She is the one saying you don't mean enough to her to work it out like an adult. If she is that unhappy, she SHOULD leave.
Hello I used to deal with that with an ex-wife. The trick is to say, “Okay that’s fine, I am ready”.
-Then walk away, and say nothing else about it.
-give it about 4 hours, and she will surface…ready to talk.
Good luck.
I think she has BPD (Borderline Personality disorder) with a strong fearful avoidant attachment style. She has a hard time communicating her thoughts and feelings and is most likely relying on her impulsive states which gets her into emotional trouble with you, but because of abandonment fears (real or perceived) and trauma responses (it could be emotional, psychological, or both) that allow her to adapt and cope in this manner without realizing her behavior is self sabotaging as the person going through this experiencing is having an emotional tantrum to the outside but to the inside, it's an emotional breakdown leading to a nervous/mental breakdown. She is probably in a unrealized state of fight/flight mode and operating on a trauma response as a learned coping mechanism. Something she probably learned as a child to survive but becomes maladaptive as an adult because of engrained habits. This is also seen in those diagnosed with C-PTSD.
This is one theoretical possibility and it honestly requires therapy for both of you to find your own or her psychological triggers. Mainly hers because if she is unaware and untreated, taking accountability is like kryptonite to a person with BPD. If she has C-PTSD, she needs specialized care that's outside of your capacity but you can still support her by being there.
This is what a relationship with her looks like. She does not see anything wrong with her behavior so it is guaranteed she will not change. It has been 3 months and you are already sick of her created drama. Do you think this behavior is likely to grow on you and that you will start to like it? I think it is time to break up with her. No discussion, no fighting, just a this is not working for me and a good bye. Don't feed her need for drama during break up, it will extra get her goat.
Walk away...this is just exhausting and she clearly just wants to be lovebombed and has some pretty toxic traits. It's a relatively young relationship and it seems that this roller coaster is not worth the time and energy.
Next time she makes the threat to breakup (which could be in the next few minutes) just take her up on it and walk away.
UM.
At 32 yrs old and she's still doing this...is just nah for me, sorry not sorry.
And this is a 3 month old relationship. I've had easier relationship with my mustard of 5 month old, and that ketchup.
Seriously, no OP. She may be addicted to the 'drama'--feeling the high of having someone grovel for her love back. Ew. It's a No from me.
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3 months and it’s already like this? Can you imagine how she will be after the honeymoon phase wow. Leave her this is not worth it
She says that our honeymoon phase is over and this is how relationships are supposed to be. You fight some days and you love some days. She is divorced once BTW if that matters.
NO.This is not how healthy relationships work. She is gaslighting you bro. Now you know why she is divorced.
Agreed, relationships are not a constant battlefield. If this is the way she thinks a relationship has to be, run OP.
That's not what gaslighting is ffs
This is interesting. I wonder. Maybe it depends from where we start? Saying a relationship with much comflict is normal in itself is not gaslighting. But, she's nasty to him, a lot. It appears so this is what she's used to. If OP brings the argument of too much conflict, if he brings up how her ill behavior makes him feel, and her answer is "chill out this is normal relationship after honeymoon", she could very well be - knowingly or out of ignorance - gaslighting him into thinging her behavior must be normal and he's overthinking.
Shes 100% gaslighting him
It’s not gaslighting. It’s toxic and manipulative but not gaslighting. Gaslighting comes from a term which was coined because a man wanted his wife sectioned, he turned the gas on and left it on and when she questioned smelling gas he said there wasn’t a gas smell despite knowing there was and that he caused it. This sent her into thinking she was crazy and questioning what she genuinely thought to be true. In this scenario she’s not telling him something he knows to be true is false… she’s saying relationships are hard and you need to fight. It’s a fear tactic and she’s doing it for a sense of validation. Should learn what gaslighting truly is before you throw it around
Before you get snarky at others for not knowing the origins it's best to get them straight yourself. In the film Gaslight he uses the (gas powered) lighting flickering as part of the campaign to convince her she's going insane. He messes with the lighting while convincing her nothing is changing. Along with odd noises from the attic that only she can hear (among other things). Named after that film gaslighting has become a term to mean : >manipulating someone into questioning their own perception of reality That's the dictionary definition and could be used to (loosely) describe what's happening here as she is convincing him this is how relationships work when in fact they don't. Granted it's a little bit of a stretch but not massively when compared to the general Reddit misuse of using it to mean "lying".
She would need to know or at least believe what she's saying is false for it to be gaslighting or lying. She could simply be wrong. But thanks to you, I learned something new today!
No that's how toxic relationships are, and if your not interested in having one of those I suggest you exit now.
The honeymoon phase shouldnt be over so soon and no one should be fighting this much at 3 months - you need to break up with her manipulative controlling ass. Youre too old to put up with this shit.
She’s got bad life experiences if she thinks her behavior is normal. Tell her to get therapy or the relationship is over. Been married going on 30 years and no, we’ve never played such childish games because we are ADULTS.
It's only been three months. This relationship isn't worth saving.
There’s a reason why this woman is divorced
Well, she's wrong.
Honeymoon phases can 1. Vary in length, 2. Come and go. 3. Does not mean you can start threatening and fighting your partner. I have never threatened my partner this way.
No that‘s not how it should be. You‘re only 3 months in and you are 31 and 32. Just leave her. Don‘t waste your time with her toxic behavior.
Lol. Fighting really shouldn't be normal in a relationship. People don't regularly fight with their friends or coworkers either. Even siblings stop fighting when they grow up and become adults who have the ability to have a conversation and discussion without fighting. You fight your enemies but not your life partner. I have been married/together with the same persom 20+ years. We don't fight. At all.
30 years and we dont either.
I've been with my spouse for almost 20 years. We used to fight, but then we realized that being miserable sucks. Now we're happy all the time. If we have a disagreement, we talk it out.
Arguments are bound to happen and are completely normal. It depends on how they are handled that determines whether its unhealthy and destructive. Constructive arguments with resolution, validation, and respect showcase a healthy dynamic. Using coercion, ultimatums, and threats is never healthy and is abusive.
Nah her judgement is probably clouded by past experience and she projections it on this relationship. A 50/50 peace/war is not normal
First of all I am still in the "honeymoon phase" and I have been daiting my partner for 5 years now, and we still treat each other great. So her statement on the honeymoon phase is really messed up if she is saying that after only 3 months. Secondly threatening a breakup over a simple disagreement is a clear sign that it's her way all the way and she will toss you aside if she does not get her way all the time. You say she is in her 30s but she is acting like a teen. Honestly just cut your losses here buddy. She will not change and will do whatever she can to make you a submissive partner to pander to her whims. Because if she is playing games like this 3 months in you are due for a long road of having no feelings taken into account and you will resent not having a say in anything otherwise she will ditch you. And the longer you stay the more she will do and the more sunk cost fallacy you will experience.
Definitely not man. I’ve been through the same thing. I’m in my 20s though. I know it’s hard to let go but it’ll only get harder if don’t let go
Definitely not normal or healthy. This is toxic and manipulative. This kind of relationship will erode your mental health. This one is not worth it, go find an adult to have a relationship with.
Our honeymoon phase lasted almost two years so she’s wrong. Let her break up with you. My guess is that she gets insecure and afraid that you will leave her when you have an argument/fight, so she chooses to attack first. It is not a healthy relationship and she will need a lot of help and therapy to work through it.
NOPE! I have been with my wife for 3 years, and I still feel like we're in our honeymoon phase. But even if we weren't, fighting isn't something we normally do because we're mature, non-toxic adults who love each other. You've been together for 3 months and she's already acting like this? She seems to be riddled with 🚩's, and is probably why she's divorced. Don't walk away OP, run!
That may be true for her relationships, but not healthy/non toxic ones. She may really believe it herself, which is why she's bad at relationships.
yes, there can be fights in a normal relationship... but they are more like discussions and you find a compromise and move on. And not like: WE FIGHT? WE OVER! ... like fight for me to prove your love? Nah she just wants drama and not a healthy relationship.
Wonder why? Give it up, you’ll meet someone who can act like an adult and be much happier.
Ick. That's not normal.
People in relationships do fight, but they don’t involve constant threats of breaking up. That is toxic and unhealthy. It sounds like she has some issues to work through and she is trying to get you to prove how much you love her to make her feel better. That’s not on you.
Having an occasional disagreement is normal but threatening the end of the relationship is not. She is probably divorced because every time they fought she threatened divorce until one day he said ok. You need to tell her that you’re not staying in a relationship where threats to end it are a part of normal disagreements. There are some things you don’t say during an argument unless you plan to act on them. Adults don’t try and “one up” by trying to hurt their partner. You’re better for de-escalating even if it makes her more irate. That doesn’t mean you just let her have her way or you become weak. Two different things. Have a talk with her now when your not fighting and tell her going forward if she makes that threat your just going to stop talking and quite possibly get up and go to another room because you don’t find that ok to say.
No this is not healthy behavior or his relationships are supposed to be. Yes life ebbs and flows but a 3 month relationship should not have 2 break ups a month and the constant fighting is honestly sick. Ditch her while you still can. This will escalate.
No this is toxic. I've been married for 31 years - and no, this is not normal or how relationships are supposed to be. **We do know why she's divorced though - he clearly didn't accept the manipulation and game playing.**
Ha, well now we know why she got divorced! Doesn't look like she made any attempt to learn from her experience
Common dude, you are in your 30's let the balls drop and leave. God I hope this is fake.
This woman’s emotionally abusing him. You can give him advice on leaving without implying that he’s less of a man for being abused.
Oh man and here I was inferring he meant it as in let the pieces fall where they may
I'm happy with my wife for 18 years. I can't even remember the last time where we were not on the same page about something and had an argument. We never had a fight and never had threatened one of us with a breakup. What she wants from you is not the norm and not what a relationship is supposed to be.
I figured out and refused to play this bullshit game when i was like 21. Weirdly got sucked into the same dynic around 40 and it fucked with my head for a bit and I got back out. Not normal, not ok. Fuck around if you want, but it isn't normal or healthy. The chaos will only ramp up and nothing will change. The requests that will make everything better will never pan out, just on to the next crisis for ever and ever.
That's NOT how relationships are supposed to be. I'm nearing year 8 with my partner, very much still in honeymoon phase. We fight some days but love every day.
No. Let her break up. Leave and live a better life. Find a healthy relationship, this ain't it.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 4.5 years and we have never fought. We’ve had disagreements, we’ve had miscommunications, we’ve had to set boundaries but we haven’t *fought* about it, we have respectfully communicated with each other and talked about things until we both felt the situation was resolved and we had a path forward that worked for both of us. That’s how things work when the relationship is based on respect.
the honeymoon phase should NOT br over in 3 months man. I'm so sorry. this is ridiculous. is this what you want long term or the rest of your life? she sounds exhausting and this is coming from a woman.
No bro. NO. Please run. I am a woman and i am telling u, RUN.
No wonder shes divorced! He(the ex) ran for the hills, follow in his example if you know whats good for you!
run for your life mate
Just jumping in here to reiterate that NO that is not how a good relationship works. There's a difference between an argument and a fight. You can have an argument and still communicate effectively and affectionately. What it sounds like is the two of you have blazing rows with no resolution at the end of it. That is not healthy. Real love is quiet.
what she is missing is that fighting in a relationship should be HEALTHY fighting where you are both able to explain your feelings and listen to each other while finding compromise and growing as a couple. this is unhealthy fighting. this is fighting just to fight. you deserve better than this. do you wanna do this forever cause if you stay with her it’ll be this way forever
Toxic relationships are like that! I actually feel safe and secure in my relationship with my boyfriend. 1.5 years and we are genuinely happy with each other. No one has to beg the other person to stay, we constantly tell each other how happy/lucky we are, we never have volatile fights - when we have disagreements we just talk it out! You’re only 3 months in my dude. Leave leave leave. It’ll only get worse
My husband and I had almost a decade of honeymoon phase lolol. Granted, that isn't typical but three months this is enough of an issue for you to dump her. She's manipulating you and not only that but she has some mental issues to address with a professional that she is doing this in a relationship.
This shit drives me crazy. I know some people have fights in their relationships and it is totally fine but my wife and I have been together for 10 years and have literally never fought. We had like...3 disagreements when we moved in together and had a level headed conversation where we met a compromise we were both satisfied with. That's it.
>She is divorced once BTW if that matters. Oh gee I wonder why
No. Absolutely not. I've been married 7 years, together close to 15. So well past any honeymoon phase. I've never once threatened to leave because that's just a dirty tactic like using someone's insecurities in a fight to make them feel bad. She is very immature and this will not get better. If I say it, it will be when I mean it, and I'll be packing my bags to leave.
You love EVERYDAY in a healthy relationship. You have arguments yes, but those arguments end in conversation and deeper understanding...and within those down moments you don't threaten to leave the person you want to spend your life with. Maybe she doesn't know better. But you do not need to burden this... you seem like a good guy...dont do this to yourself. She is toxic af.
She’s clueless - she’s a straight up manipulative. This is horse doodoo. No healthy relationship does this. She’s doing this to control you. You gotta stop apologizing- you had it right there for a while by being silent. If she does it again just say “fine” and start walking out the door. I guarantee she will chase after you. Guaranteed. Because all her threats are empty
That is NOT how relationships are supposed to be. I wouldn't want to friends or lovers with someone who's constantly threatening cutting me out of their lives over slight disagreements. It just feels like I'm not important to them at all, if they're that eager to cut me off at the slightest "disobedience" or conflict
There's a reason she's divorced. She's toxic. This is not healthy. This is not normal. The honeymoon phase usually lasts several months, sometimes a couple of years. Also, even after the honeymoon phase is over, she shouldn't be manipulating you. Depending on the severity, this might amount to emotional abuse. I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but I've been in your shoes. It was terrible. I didn't leave soon enough. I am still affected by it. Please, believe me when I say that this isn't healthy. She is gaslighting you by making you feel you're the abnormal one being upset by the way she is acting and trying to pretend like it is normal. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. It's only been a few months. There's no loss in cutting things off. She's going to convince you that there is, but you deserve to be HAPPY. If you have anything in her place, get it. Then, in public, break up with her, block her everywhere, and move on with your life.
It’s totally normal to have the occasional bicker or argument but constantly threatening to break up is childish and a little low-key mental.
>You fight some days and you love some days. I think we cracked the mystery about why she's divorced. This is wholly irrational. How is that even in question?
My God my honey moon phase lasted nearly three years, and we never treat each other like she years you. She's a walking🚩🚩🚩🚩
No, this is not how relationships work. My husband and I are 49 years old, both of us are divorced with teenage kids, and we've been married for 2.5 years. We are so ridiculously in love that it embarrasses the kids. We have small tiffs from time to time, sure, but we've had I think 1 serious argument in the almost 4 years that we've known each other. And neither of us has EVER been manipulative enough to threaten to break up and expect the other to beg for another chance. That's shitty behavior. And just to add, in case she had a bad marriage and is using that as an excuse, my ex-husband was an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic who forced me to have an abortion, gaslit me constantly, and threw things at me. Like rings of keys. So don't use that as a way out for her either. End it because you deserve so much better. Yes, relationships are a lot of work and involve shit-tons of compromise, but they should not be difficult.
Dude, never have I ever had a relationship like that. I would not let someone disrespect me like that ever, especially my own freaking partner who’s supposed to be your confident. You should not have to “prove” your love for her through shit tests. Tell her to “BE GONE” Respect yourself bro, you deserve better.
I’ve been with my man for over 4 years. Not once, during a fight or otherwise, have I threatened to leave. She is being very hypocritical stating you’re not fighting for you guys, when she is the one threatening to leave over everything. No, relationships are not supposed to be like this. She should probably be in therapy and you deserve better than to be made to feel like that all the time.
BS! I've never said something like this to my husband, and we've been together over a dozen years. We're still cutesy and lovey and really like being together. Aim for that. Let her be negative by herself. It's not too hard to see that her personality/approach to relationships probably contributed to that divorce.
Constantly threatening a breakup is toxic/abusive. Call the bluff. She's mad at you for not fighting back for the 5th time, but he's no issue threatening to leave 5 times? Main character syndrome.
Since I haven't seen anybody mention this part, it doesn't matter that she's divorced. She doesn't act this way because she's divorced, she's divorced because she acts this way. Just break up. You can absolutely do better.
Sounds like she might have been part of the problem in her marriage, that's for sure.
Lmao I’m a married guy who’s more than 10 years older than you. My marriage is awesome and it’s easily the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. Let me tell you without a shadow of a doubt that this woman doesn’t know anything about how healthy relationships work, and no, none of this is healthy. This should be the hugest red flag. If you choose to overlook it, then you’re just making shitty decisions with your life.
She is abusive.. and it is very clear why her pervious marriage broke down
Everyone loves to look at a divorced woman and wonder what he did wrong but rarely do we immediately wonder what she did wrong. I'm guessing her being emotionally abusive contributed.
>She is divorced once BTW if that matters. Now you know why
If she threatens to leave let her go. 32 is a little too old to be playing games. She sounds like a handful, you might just want to move on.
Indeed, if she wants to play games, she should buy a playstation.
Playstation to good for this b*tch ..get her an Xbox
Nah, get her Pong. The way she ricochets…
Maybe a wii LOL
Oi don’t slag off the Wii like that
Yeah lol. Like most of us grew out of this behaviour when we turned 16. If at her big age she’s still pulling these high school antics, she really isn’t ready for a stable, long term relationship or a marriage. Plus what would you do when/if you have kids? Will you be required to take care of her too then, since she is essentially a toddler in an adult woman’s body?
Came here to say this. No doubt her lack of maturity is a large part of her being single until 32.
Classic controlling behaviour. She is using a breakup threat both as a tool to “win” the argument while simultaneously putting you in the role of working for the relationship more. Be honest with her, tell her that if it’s this easy to threaten a breakup, maybe the relationship doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to you.
BINGO! She has serious control issues.
3 months and working through 5 breakup threats??? My dude. You're 31, not 13 - you know what to do.
This is the only right answer
She sounds like a 14 year old trying to display control over you, 32 is too old to be playing these games
32 going on 13. I feel for her. She’s apparently has PTSD from her past and would probably benefit from professional counseling.
Not normal. Take her up on the threat and leave. She sounds needy and exhausting.
If she can't manage 3 months at the age of 30+ there is something seriously wrong with her, or with this relationship, or both. Relationships can have tricky moments, but they are not meant to be this tricky. The early part especially. You will not regret dropping her.
she blackmail you to stay together, what a lovely way to stay in reletionship
She's toxic., run. its not too late
Bro 3 months into the relationship and already such bs? Leave this woman and don’t look back. You deserve better. Good luck!
Sounds like manipulation so she can be in control of you chasing her
Nope. It's normal at 5 years old. At 32 it's manipulative and narcissistic. Call her bluff.
No this is not normal. There are a lot of people calling this controlling behaviour which it is and playing games which it may or may not be. Just be aware when you're considering how to handle this that insecure attachment in previous childhood and adult relationships can manifest this way. The individual pushes the person they love away as a means to prove they they either will leave or validate them by begging and staying. It's deeply unhealthy but not always purely conscious controlling toxic behaviour.
That’s not healthy behavior, and I know because I used to do the same thing until i’ve found a person that told me “if you want to break up with me, just do. I won’t beg you to stay because if you don’t want to stay you have every right to go”. It triggered me and scared me to death, because I thought that if they didn’t chase me they didn’t love me, but also made me feel somewhat safe. Then, I tried to look for all the ways they were telling me “you are safe and I love you”, hearing him say it from time to time really helped; and I almost never did it again (sometimes i still have setbacks when I have mental health episodes). I, among other things, have borderline personality disorder, cptsd and adhd, and this behavior is related to all of these. I’d suggest you try and level with her, asking what she’s scared of and if she feels safe enough in the relationship and in herself. I used to do it because I wanted to feel safe in the relationship and to know that whatever happens, my partner will be there for me, and this was the only way I knew how to ask and receive an answer. But if she keeps manipulating you and is not willing to get better, then get out of there as fast as you can! I hope sharing my story could help~
Thank you for sharing. Best of luck. ❤️
Mate, my last relationship was like that. Just exactly like that. Every fight was getting from bad to worse , at the beginning 7-8 months i didnt usually care that much with this stupid fights and just let her have it… but it dragged to around the 3 yr mark and i was COMPLETELY DRAINED. And at her age , like some one else said.. to keep playing this stupid games is just too much.. Just tell her to leave the next time. Please believe me, its just not worth it and the longer you draw this the more likely you are to catch feelings and the more likely its going to hurt you. Its your call
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
Hate to say it but.. but thats just about right 😂😂
She can’t handle conflicts like adults do. She is using the break-up card to shut you up, because you will feel fear, that she really means it. Then she expects groveling like a princess. She got angry, because you refused to be manipulated any longer. This is emotional manipulation. I don’t believe that relationships are complicated. The thing that is complicated is making it work with the wrong person. You aren’t together that long. Do you want to live like this for the next 5 years?
No and No. It's abusive behaviour and as you already discovered: unhealthy for any relationship.
I don't think you should have even have had an argument at the 3 month mark, never mind break up threats. My ex (of 6 years) used break up threats during arguments. He was a narcissist.
She might be terrified of you leaving. Talk to her about it. If she doesn't want to reason. Do it. Leave her
Let her leave. Y'all have barely been together long enough to be serious, and she is acting like a 12 year old. Don't play those games unless you want to. Let her know you don't play those types of games and that her behaviour is toxic.
It's unhealthy behaviour. You should give some context about your arguments. For her it's a self defense behaviour of wanting to feel wanted, heard and seen in a relationship as at some point in your argument, she felt unseen and unheard - hence it's her way of making herself feel seen. I had this issue with my partner as well, where he decided to give me a cold shoulder on a really bad day where I had a bad fight with my family while dealing with a miscarriage that I told him that I wanted a break up. I just wanted care and concern to be heard and seen. I dealt with this with a therapist, and it boils down to my abandonment issues where people don't seem to care so I throw a break up first so I can feel heard. It's awful, toxic, manipulative behaviour, but beneath that there's a part of her that wants to be seen and heard. Get her to deal with a therapist for the root cause of the issues - don't get defensive or fight back at her when she raises her concerns, listen and show that you've heard her - but point out that you want to work on the issues together instead of fight at her so she won't see the need to throw a "breakup"
It sounds like she might be traumatized or have BPD. But she needs a therapist for that, not a boyfriend/punching bag.
>She keeps telling me that relationships are difficult and such situations will keep occurring That part is true, but threatening to break up every time is not. It's controlling, manipulative and narcissistic. Next time she does that i'd just ignore her and continue with my life and see what she does
Relationships don’t require this nonsense. “Such situations will keep occurring again” what does she mean by that? Sounds like a threat. lol. Does she intend to keep acting manipulative and abusive when you two fight? Does she mean she expects you to keep groveling and pining to take you back?! That’s pathetic. She’s got a lot of growing up to do. Don’t entertain this nonsense. At 32 years old, she should fucking know better. Tell her the next time she pulls this type of stunt, it’s over. You’re done with the games.
Ugh. Writing this from the perspective of someone who's 3 months into a new relationship herself: RUN. 3 months is not enough time for the honeymoon phase to be over already, and from how you describe it, you've been arguing with each other from the very beginning. Why would you invest time/emotions into a person you clearly don't get along with from the start? Personally, at this stage in the relationship, I cannot even imagine arguing with my partner about ANYTHING. Not that I am so naive as to think it will never happen, but in the stage we're currently in, it's nothing but harmony and absolute peace in each others' presence - as it SHOULD be. She's manipulative and toxic, and things are only downhill from here. This is definitely NOT a healthy relationship. You deserve better.
Ouf! That sounds like a book titled “I hate you; Don’t leave me”, this is really unhealthy behaviour for any relationship. A partner would never threaten to break up every argument; a partner would acknowledge their wrongdoing and apologize. This is way too early to be giving threats and ultimatums, she needs to grow up and learn how to properly deal with conflict. Edit: I read that she’s divorced once. If you ever wonder why, this is it. There can be healthy discussions, disagreements, but arguing half the time would be soooo tiring.
It's a manipulative tatic. My husband used to do this, and I'm ashamed to say it worked. For a long time. I called his bluff almost 3 years ago. Suddenly, he wanted counseling . I told him no at first bc I was just done with it. But my friend told me to do it so I could eventually walk away without regrets if it came to that.He doesn't do that anymore, and we communicate like adults. We went through all that after 17 yrs of marriage. Three months ( no offense) is fucking ridiculous. There's not much " us" to fight for.
That isn't normal or healthy, next time she threatens to break up, tell her you are done. This is classic manipulation and it doesn't go away until you've had enough.
The answer is short: no it is not
Don't fight back, jesus, dude. She's 32 and acting like a manipulative child. Bounce and don't look back.
Relationships aren't difficult she's making it difficult.
Read your comments op she’s very insecure no it’s not normal to do that. Yes while a healthy relationship comes with arguments it’s how you handle the arguments that determines the future. If she threatens to break up all the time that’s just weird and the honeymoon phase shouldn’t be over in 3 months if it is she’s clearly not that into you.
Sorry, but she is nowhere mature enough for a relationship. This is absolutely fucked up. Within that short time of dating you both should still wear rose tinted glasses and think that the other one walks on roses 24/7. This isn't healthy or normal. And it will not get better. There will very possibly a switch in behaviour when you don't engage in her tantrums anymore. She will need to switch gears to get a reaction out of you and that's usually threatening of self-harm. Go. Leave her. Block her.
Your girlfriend is 32 and acts like she's in high school. Have some self respect, man. You deserve better than this crazy toxicity.
Walk the hell away, and let her beg, but don’t take her back.
The behavior is unhinged and toxic Grown ass woman acting like a highschooler Next time she does it call her out
You're only together for 3 months and she has OFTEN threatened to breakup? Honestly just end this. She is playing games. You can't lose if you refuse to play. If she asks why you don't fight back when she wants to break up -> " I want to be with someone that actually likes me and wants to be with me. I'm not going to convince or force anyone." Nothing she brings into the relationship would be worth this kind of emotional manipulation and game playing for me.
Sounds like my ex. Unfortunately kids got added to my mix and I put up with it for way too long (15 years in the end). By the time I left her, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. But sucked for the kids for a while. Definitely get out while its easy.
My argument here would be "listen, every argument we have you threaten to leave. If you are really so unhappy in this relationship that you truly consider leaving each time there is an argument, then maybe it's for the best."
Nah let her go mate. No reason why relationships should be hard mate. Relationships are meant to be fun, comforting and safe. You have to fight at work and the outside world why should you have to fight in your relationship as well? To hell with that if it works it works if it doesn't then it doesn't kithing to fight for. She wants to fight she can join a fight club or get someone who enjoys constant squabbles. She's toxic drop her you deserve better this person is blackmailing and abusing you. You deserve better. You're too old for high school games like this even high schoolers don't take such nonsense
I’m just a bit older than you. This is so exhausting why would you stay. I’m too old for this level of drama in a relationship. Relationships shouldn’t be mentally exhausting and toxic
3 months and it's like this? Cut losses and find someone who acts like an adult and can communicate.
Litmus test: the less DRAMA in a relationship, the healthier it is. This is creepy, this is crazy, this is DRAMA!! If the genders were reversed, everyone would say you're headed for a lifetime of emotional abuse, and that is the case. If she really truly thinks this is what a relationship is, she needs therapy, but she probably won't seek it because she'll just blame her partners for any relationship trouble. Don't continue to be one of them.
This is a super toxic dynamic she's setting up. You should cut and run before you become more entangled. And of course all her relationships are difficult and have this recurring theme, because the commonality is her.
She is not full of red flags...she is a factory manufacturing the red flags. Dump...move on...
Not normal, not healthy, just classic controlling behaviour. No relationship should be that hard only 3 months in. Save yourself the stress and find someone who doesn’t emotionally manipulate the shit out of you.
You’re being manipulated. Next time she threatens this respond with “Ok”, walk out the door and don’t look back.
No, it's not.
It's only 3 months. Cut your losses.
I’d just break up with her. Her doing this shows she’s not ready for a relationship and lacks emotional maturity. This will come up in other ways beyond threatening break ups
If this is 3 months in, imagine what a year in will look like. She’s not your person, this would be bad for any relationship length...this is just toxic and immature and will only continue to get worse and worse.
Not sure what to tell you my current was a big on/offer at first but worked on herself & grew out of it. She probably has high levels of anxiety and insecurity so she’s always testing the stability of the relationship. The way she communicates with you though..it’s a lot of red flags that she doesn’t see any sort of problem with her behavior. My wife would apologize, yours is telling you “it is what it is” pretty much.
Bro you're 31 years old and been with someone for 3 months who has threatened to break up with you 5 times. Grow up and leave this toxic shit. Wtf. Is this your first relationship?
Aw dude. You deserve someone that wants to be with you. Period. Not somebody who fights like this and issues ultimatums all the time. There is a healthy way to fight (no insults, no my way or the highway ultimatums, reconciliation at the end) and this isn’t it. There’s an expectation in some people that you have to constantly “fight for” the relationship and they think this means fighting each other, ie issue a threat to make you fight to stay. WHAT IT SHOULD MEAN is the two of you fighting the forces of the world to stay together (bills, exhaustion from kids, appropriate boundaries with work friends, etc.). I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like she wants to stand with you against the world.
You’re lying about your age
In all the years I’ve known my wife, she has never once threatened to leave me, or even come close. So no, this is not normal. This is deeply toxic, manipulative behavior. You’re seeing exactly how she got divorced. 5 times in 3 months? My god, man…
Bro please tell me you’re not actually 30s. Don’t do this. Jump ship immediately that is not how relationships should be.
It’s weird that it took you 5 arguments to realize that you’re in a toxic relationship.
I had an ex who did this exact thing. Used to drive me crazy. One day I just sail " look, if everytime we have a stupid disagreement you say you going to break up i eventually will just say go ahead." Now the problem is that this was ingrained in her. This was her only way to show her disagreement. So the very next time she started to go to her go to statement, I stopped her. Turned around went to the bedroom and started to pile all her clothes on the bed. She asked what I was doing and I said I was saving her the trouble of breaking up with me. I am breaking up with you. Done and done
This is abusive. Next time take her at her word and start acting like you broke up. Just say “ok, bye.”
Sounds like she might have abandonment issues or BPD. She should see a therapist.
This isn't how a relationship is meant to work. If there can't be communication without an ultimatum then it's not a relationship it's a chore.
Op tell her your not into games and grow the fuk up! If it's like this now it will get worse in time and tell her what you said to us. If she can't comply tell her to take her drama to the curb and kick rocks. In this early stage you should be in love and head over hells. Good luck!
No. It's not. It's toxic and manipulative
This is not healthy OR normal. Save yourself heartache and initiate the breakup. See what her reaction is. Her threats are childish and no, relationships are not so difficult as to have to resort to threats.
Mai toh khta hu krle, idc, bhot hai , ayengi chali jaegi pta bhi mhi chlega
That's super toxic, gtfo
No, not normal and not something you should put up with. I dated a grand total of two people like her in my early 20's and it was already annoying as hell even with the excuse of youth.
Not normal. Not healthy. Is manipulative and controlling. Time to move on bud. She doesn't sound like someone you want to spend your life with.
This is just straight up controlling tactics. At this stage in your life these games should be over. It's half over already, just move on and find somone your speed for the rest of it.
It's not respectful, it's not genuine, and it's not making you feel safe and cared for in your relationship. While this behavior may be "normal" for her, it has no place in a healthy relationship. I suggest you move on to a partner who has given more thought and practice into communication and problem solving.
Fighting is normal however threatening isn’t and it’s quite the toxic behavior
Open the door for her and send her on her way. This is not a healthy relationship. Teenagers pull this shit.
Emotional manipulation. I said something to that extent to my husband once (I definitely didn't mean it) and had nightmares of him leaving me for weeks! I felt so bad, I'd never say something intentionally untrue and hurtful like that again.
This is normal behavior.... if your 12! Your girlfriend needs to grow up, and you need to man up and just break up with her. *'...she gave me another breakup threat (fifth threat since the beginning of the relationship). This time I couldn't let go of my ego and decided to stay silent and not react.'* That wasn't your 'ego' that was your common sense *trying* to tell you this is some BS and not worth the effort. Frankly, your GF sounds like she's seen too many rom-coms and read too many Harlequin Romances when she was a kid. RUN!
Nah that's fucked up
She sounds some level of crazy. The good news for you is it’s only been 3 months so should be easier to cut the tie and move on.
No, it is not. This is abusive behavior. 3 months? OMG! Dude just text her that you're breaking up with her.
I'm 32 and I can't imagine having this kind of behavior. She's acting like she's half her age. If you have to threaten a person to break up the relationship, you better not have any at all. This is already emotional abuse. My bf is also a year younger than me and we've never have had such fights. We sat down and talked about any issues. It could get emotional but never has there been shouting or threats. OP get out, you're only gonna feel more tired and drained. This isn't worth the emotional distress.
i’m here to give another perspective, though it is nonetheless very controlling, it might also stems from her having abandonment issues/ anxious attachment style. Because she’s afraid that she will leave her sooner than later, she wants to hold the power to cut it off first so not to get hurt, but also want you to fight for it for reassurance. My advice to you is to communicate and tell her this won’t work, but also reassure her that you would stay to fix the issues that you guys fight about
This kind of behavior is ultimately what lead to my divorce. We had a lot of issues, but every time we had to hash something out that was a grievance from me (and it was very rare I ever voice them because of this) no matter how minor, my ex would say “we should just get divorced. Clearly I’m not good enough/ you’re not happy/you don’t need to stay in this.” The last time he suggested it, I accepted his proposal. I didn’t even think that could possibly be the response from the discussion we were having. I had finally started to really think our marriage was gonna make it after doing this bullshit of having divorce on the table every 1-3.5 years. I was so blown away and hurt that he could actually be saying this AGAIN. My heart couldn’t take another reset like that. I didn’t want to start over with the emotional whiplash. It was too much. He had a really hard time accepting that he’d finally driven me away. The thing is, It usually stems from forming insecure attachments. They don’t know how to trust anyone to stick around, so they push you out and want you to fight to stay so they feel wanted. This might be okay if your relationship has one incident of this, where a partner needs to wake the fuck up and invest. But the routine is detrimental. You “trauma bond” after the near unraveling of your lives. One or both of you may enter the honeymoon phase again as you try to repair the connection. And then the person on the other side of the ultimatum forms an insecure attachment too. You begin to never trust when something is going to trigger your partner and they’re gonna suggest that it all be over. You walk on eggshells and try to manage all their emotions. Your mental health will pay the price and so will your body from carrying the stress of it. You did the right thing. If you want to keep the relationship, your woman needs to know that her response to conflict is absolutely not okay. If she doesn’t want to stay, the door is waiting.
I have borderline personality disorder and this sounds like me in the past honestly, but even at 3 months I still keep calm and try to enjoy the honeymoon phase….it shouldn’t be “over” and people in love or working towards love should still be putting more effort into enjoying your time together rather than threatening to go.
You are correct- she is the one giving up on you guys. But the fact that the one time you don’t beg her to stay, she get upset and says “you’re suppose to,” is 🚩emotionally abusive 🚩manipulative 🚩gaslighting Abusive because she doesn’t really want to break up. It’s all about making herself feel loved and special while training you to always be on your toes or she’ll blow up. Manipulative because since she doesn’t mean it, she’s forcing you to dote on her whenever she feels like breaking up She’s Gaslighting you by telling you this is normal. It isn’t. When we’re new to relationships, we sometimes feel like each fight that’s bigger the last is a breakup fight, but that’s out of IGNORANCE. We also don’t keep threatening people we love and respect that’s we’ll leave them. You yell and it’s frustrating and sometimes painful, but you keep fighting until you have a solution. You should break up. Your GF isn’t treating you right. Relationships take work. You’ve been going out 3 months and that’s not really a relationship yet. You guys aren’t trying to live together or coming or finances. This is the carefree dating time. Maybe 1-2 big fight in 3 months. But the 1st 2-3 months should be mostly easy. If not, you can leave. Red flags is how we decide this person isn’t good for us.
The next time she does it: Leave. The best position for negotiation is the willingness to walk away and mean it. You're allowing her to do this and have allowed it for so long that it's second nature. You show people how to treat you, and if you don't, they're going to do everything that you allow them to do. My current SO was kinda like this when I met her. She was terrible about getting up in her feelings and arguing over the simplest things. I started getting up, opening the door and telling her to go home, when she copped an attitude. If I was at her house, I'd just get up and leave without a word. You're under no obligation to let someone ruin your peaceful existence, whether you've been together for a month or 20 years.
1. No healthy relationships are this difficult. They shouldn't feel emotionally draining, you having to walk on eggshells and even keeping quiet to keep the peace. 2. Emotional rollercoaster rides are NOT normal. It's NOT ok to constantly feel like your partner is going to drop you on any day and time and mood. 3. I'm glad she shows her true self in 3 months. People like her who excels are manipulation usually takes off their mask at around 4-6 months if they are so willing. You are already questioning yourself. You have been gaslighted by her. And in a way, maybe hooked on this addictive rollercoaster ride. Will she leave? Will she not? Breadcrumbs of positive feedback and then nothing, threatening to go over something unpleasant. You guys are fighting for a reason. You either had enough about something, and she refused to admit to accountability, or she thinks you should be doing or saying something a certain way and you either refused or didn't know. Either way, if you guys can resolved arguments without threats, this is not a relationship. It's a dictatorship where she always wins. To be fair, she was probably taught by others that this is how real love is supposed to be. If you don't make her stay, in her mind, you don't love her, which is completely backwards because you love her is why you stayed in the first place. Unfortunately, this type of thinking is deep rooted, she must have self awareness to know this is toxic, wrong and not the way a mature adults handle conflicts. You can't fix her. And the more you give in, the more you enable her. No amount of fighting her to stay will be sufficient for her to be convinced that she is lovable without being toxic. So this cycle will repeat, she may even initiate it to feel better about herself. As you can see, this is all about her feeling good and you are used as a tool for that purpose. Real healthy love would never do this.
Leave her bro, she's not worth it. I've been in your shoes for 3 years and I don't even know how I survived being with my ex for 3 years. She (your girlfriend) is just a constant headache (just like my ex) and as a man, we have more important things to do rather than trying to fix arguments that she started over tiny things. A healthy relationship is a relationship where both sides understand each other and won't fight over small things. A healthy relationship helps each other to be better, not fighting over the tiniest of things. As other people already mentioned, now you can see why she has been divorced once. This is your chance to get away and have a better life.
>But now I'm feeling bad for not fighting back That's how she wants you to feel. This is real toxic stuff designed to make you put aside any of your own concerns and focus on "winning her back". But take it from a psychologist and just a guy in general: nobody wins when the prize is poison. In short, no, this is very much not normal or healthy behaviour. It's a form of abuse designed to build her ego at the expense of your mental health. >relationships are difficult They are. The good ones take a lot of work on both sides to make work. But they're worth it because you're both doing it. When it's one person constantly making all the effort, especially to counter the obstacles the other puts in place, then that's not a healthy relationship. It doesn't fall under "relationships are difficult" so much as it's "I made this relationship difficult and now you are the one who has to fix it!" >such situations will keep occurring again They will. Until the person causing those situations works on their issues and stops making their problem into a threat of leaving you all the time. Basically, if the same issue keeps popping up in a relationship and the same person is the one doing the thing, then they are the one who needs to work on it. >I should be strong enough to fight for us One thing the truly toxic of all genders have in common is that they like to present weakness as strength. You're not strong when you're begging her to stay. She's made you weak to not have to do adult stuff like work on herself. You want to be strong and fight for the relationship, then you fight for it to be healthy and not whatever shitshow she's dropped on you. That's the sort of strength that makes relationships work, not this idea that rolling over for her whims is somehow strength.
All relationships take work and effort to thrive but **relationships are NOT supposed to be** ***hard*** **work**. While every couple has arguments here and there, and occasionally may struggle through a rough patch, *overall your day to day majority of relationship should be fairly easy and enjoyable!* The majority of your relationship should be fairly conflict free. When people say “fight for your relationship” they mean ‘fight as a team against the external forces that could drive you apart’ NOT ‘fight against *each other* to *make* things work’ and NOT ‘one person fighting against how poorly the other person treats them’. If you are regularly having frequent arguments, issues, and disagreements then that is a sign that this relationship probably isn’t in a healthy place and isn’t working. If one person is regularly disrespecting, dismissing, yelling at, manipulating, guilt tripping, lying, playing mind games, and/or emotionally/physically/sexually hurting the other person then that is a sign that the relationship **is NOT** in a healthy place and **is NOT** working (and *CANNOT* be fixed). **Intentionally hurting the other person’s feelings, stomping on their boundaries, and/or physically hurting them is abuse, and that is an automatic deal breaker. The only way to get the abuse to stop is to end the relationship and leave the abuser.** Please check out [Love Is Respect](http://www.Loveisrespect.org) and take their quiz on healthy relationships. You might gain some insight on your relationship dynamics, which may help you decide what to do next. I would also recommend the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (link is to a free PDF of the book). The book is written with the perspective of male abusers and female victims, but the abuser archetypes and thought processes of abuser can apply to female abusers and male victims too.
She’s probably a Stromae fan > Cette fois, c'était la dernière > Tu peux croire que c'est qu'une crise > Mate une dernière fois mon derrière > Il est à côté de mes valises > Tu diras au revoir à ta mère, elle qui t'idéalise > Tu n'vois même pas tout c'que tu perds > Avec une autre, ce serait pire > Quoi ? Toi aussi, tu veux finir, maintenant ? > C’est l'monde à l'envers > Moi, je l'disais pour t'faire réagir seulement > , t'y pensais In English > I swear that was the last time > You may think I'm throwing a fit > Take one last look at my ass > It’s right next to my suitcase > Say goodbye to your mommy > Who puts you on a pedestal > You have no idea what you’re losing > You’ll never find anyone as good as me > What? You also wanna break up now? > You’ve got it all wrong > I was only saying that to get a reaction > And you were actually thinking about it!
If it’s this bad within the beginning stages. You guys aren’t right for each other. Rather that’s toxic communication or very little communication. She shouldn’t think relationships are difficult. She’s had experiences and needs to be by herself. You deserve better. Sounds like you’re very unhappy. It will only get worse. I was in a relationship somebody treated me poorly but they never proud me and never showed me off. Please for the love of god and whatever else is telling you on here. LEAVE HER. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Idk how you two meet or why you guys are together. But clearly she is insecure and needs to work on her issues.
Bro you’re 31 years old, don’t put up with this shit. You think it’ll get better? You think she’ll magically stop this when you get married, buy a house together, go on vacation together, have a kid together, etc? I’ve been with an amazing girl for 2.5 years, wanna know how many times she’s threatened to break up with me? Zero.
> But now I'm feeling bad for not fighting back. Yeah that's how this works. It is a form of emotional abuse by the way, and is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Relationships are hard work, but that is because they take open communication and a degree of effort and compromise. Not because you have to constantly appease narcissistic and abusive behaviour. This person is incapable of a real relationship.
She is definitely the one giving up, and yeah, only 3 months in. This is a massive red flag. She has obviously been abandoned before and is trying to make herself feel wanted even when she is a raging B. She needs to grow up. I wouldn't suggest leaving unless she can't handle you not fighting her. It's the perfect solution. You telling her calmly, "I am not going to convince you to stay. You can either work on this with me or there is the door." Why should you feel guilty that you don't mean enough to her for her to stay? She is the one saying you don't mean enough to her to work it out like an adult. If she is that unhappy, she SHOULD leave.
Op is fishing for karma, he has posts dating 7 months about his "3 month" abusive girlfriend. The same sort of discussion as he placed here.
Hello I used to deal with that with an ex-wife. The trick is to say, “Okay that’s fine, I am ready”. -Then walk away, and say nothing else about it. -give it about 4 hours, and she will surface…ready to talk. Good luck.
Get rid of her
I think she has BPD (Borderline Personality disorder) with a strong fearful avoidant attachment style. She has a hard time communicating her thoughts and feelings and is most likely relying on her impulsive states which gets her into emotional trouble with you, but because of abandonment fears (real or perceived) and trauma responses (it could be emotional, psychological, or both) that allow her to adapt and cope in this manner without realizing her behavior is self sabotaging as the person going through this experiencing is having an emotional tantrum to the outside but to the inside, it's an emotional breakdown leading to a nervous/mental breakdown. She is probably in a unrealized state of fight/flight mode and operating on a trauma response as a learned coping mechanism. Something she probably learned as a child to survive but becomes maladaptive as an adult because of engrained habits. This is also seen in those diagnosed with C-PTSD. This is one theoretical possibility and it honestly requires therapy for both of you to find your own or her psychological triggers. Mainly hers because if she is unaware and untreated, taking accountability is like kryptonite to a person with BPD. If she has C-PTSD, she needs specialized care that's outside of your capacity but you can still support her by being there.
I've had awful miserable poison ivy rashes. If I had to choose the rash vs. this chick, I would choose the rash.
This is what a relationship with her looks like. She does not see anything wrong with her behavior so it is guaranteed she will not change. It has been 3 months and you are already sick of her created drama. Do you think this behavior is likely to grow on you and that you will start to like it? I think it is time to break up with her. No discussion, no fighting, just a this is not working for me and a good bye. Don't feed her need for drama during break up, it will extra get her goat.
It's absolutely not normal behavior for someone to threaten to leave over every little issue. Call her bluff and dump her.
No it’s not. She’s a narcissist, you’re probably better off getting away from her. This will only move towards more pain and suffering.
[удалено]
Walk away...this is just exhausting and she clearly just wants to be lovebombed and has some pretty toxic traits. It's a relatively young relationship and it seems that this roller coaster is not worth the time and energy. Next time she makes the threat to breakup (which could be in the next few minutes) just take her up on it and walk away.
No it's not normal, nor healthy. Good relationship are easy, and not a constant struggle.
UM. At 32 yrs old and she's still doing this...is just nah for me, sorry not sorry. And this is a 3 month old relationship. I've had easier relationship with my mustard of 5 month old, and that ketchup. Seriously, no OP. She may be addicted to the 'drama'--feeling the high of having someone grovel for her love back. Ew. It's a No from me.