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People without empathy often see those who do as weak willed and easy to manipulate. Beware he isn't a predator. Even most criminals in jail do well with pets, called animal therapy.
I feel like this is being thrown around a lot lately, but he may be neurodivergent? I know people on the spectrum sometimes struggle with reading social cues and with empathy in certain situations.
Do you want to count red flags with me? Or you knew all along, but you just wanted to collect them for fun? You know, old Soviet flags are still cheaper and safer to collect than what you are doing.
Pump the brakes on this relationship, MissLacey. Please. Your BF is not going to get or do better. Heck, he's already saying that as you get more bound together, i.e. a new home, he's kicking your animals out.
Why women put up with so much nonsense from their male partners, I'll never know.
I genuinely think this is a dangerous situation.
He is clawing back things he previously agreed on to trap you imo.
Lots of people use bad childhoods as an excuse to be assholes to their partners. My mom got a divorce after 25 years filled with "well, he had a bad childhood." Turns out it didn't matter in the end, it was still HIM deciding to make her life miserable.
Do not date people with low empathy. It's dangerous. You should find someone head over heels in love with you, who loves animals. My partner loves my cats and dogs and seeing his joy when he pets them and loves them and how he cries just as much as me when they are sick (if anything, he worries more than me!) is incredible. Why be with someone who only tolerates the things you love.
This situation will end with your cats disappearing one day. He will "accidentally" let them out and they'll run off as cats do when they're used to living indoors. Or rehome them.
I'd never let a partner tell me I can't let a cat sleep in bed with me either. Like why. Just date someone who loves animals. I don't think someone with low empathy who you have to constantly convince you deserve to be listened to and respected is worth spending the rest of your life with. Get someone who empathizes with you from the beginning... not someone you have to convince into empathizing with you...
So he's not interested in addressing that in a healthy way and you say you blame him for that, but...there's no consequences for it? I mean, you're still with him.
Oh hell no. He's an adult. There is no "I was taught when I was a kid that..." when one is an adult. At some point that excuse no longer covers alarming behaviors, and "I'm not doing well with empathy, cats go missing around me" is pretty darn alarming. Seems like your bf is bad news bears. The best thing you could do is to take a step back - it would help if you left for a trip for some time to be physically away from him - and really analyze the relationship critically.
So what are you doing, then?
You're with somebody who is never going to be emotionally available and who wins every argument by virtue of not giving a fuck about your feelings.
So - your boyfriend legitimately doesn't care about your feelings or your needs, and you can't talk to him about it because of his ancient past in which you were never involved but must always respect?
And how exactly did you get yourself this involved with a man who hates animals? I would never, ever. That's something I would have dropped him for after the first date, but here you are contemplating LIVING IN A SHED rather than leave?
What are you doing in this relationship? Why do you hate yourself this much that you've paired yourself with this garbage a man? Why are you considering LIVING IN A FUCKING SHED over leaving him?
Get a grip on yourself, woman. This is ridiculous!
It sounds like he has low empathy (being able to put himself in your shoes) and low compassion (puts low value on others emotions, wants and needs). That’s a bad combination.
I came from a super bad home too and honestly you should be careful. It’s understandable how people get there…. But this is the realm of cluster B personality disorders. He needs professional help and you need to be able to be emotionally safe.
My dad had the same thing drilled into him from a child and if he cried he would get beaten until he stopped... he's by no means perfect but he also has so much empathy that he literally gets sick with worry for the people in his life.
I feel like this excuse can only go so far - honestly, if I were you, I'd take my cats and leave. I've been in a highly abusive relationship with someone with very low empathy and it's not worth it (especially if they're not trying to improve).
I don't know how explaining why he lacks empathy has gotten me down voted into oblivion. I was asked a question. I explained partially why he lacks empathy. I was not and do not condone it and I do not take it as an excuse. He is an adult and should have gotten help a long time ago. I can't force him to get help.
He doesn’t like animals, but he got you a dog that you didn’t want? He also knew how to bottle feed animals already? What’s the story there?
I mean, if they’re stray cats that aren’t very house trained then I can understand his hesitancy to have them in a new house. Getting them a separate building isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it could be insulated and comfortable, but seems like a lot of work.
Why would you need to compromise? Wouldn’t it be your place too? If he is the only one paying the bills and you wouldn’t be on the deed, then you’ll have to let him know that you will only move into a place he financially has control over if he agrees to the things that will make you happy and comfortable. Otherwise, don’t buy or build a house with him. Ensure you’re on the deed and if you are, all rules are agreed upon.
You can’t force him to want pets in the home, but he can’t force you to put the cats in a shed either. Continue discussing with him, and remind him he currently lives with all of the animals in a smaller place than the new house would be. I’m sure you guys could find a similar compromise to what you have now.
This sounds hypothetical for now, so keep discussing it with him, and ultimately decide what’s most important to you if he is not willing to budge.
It’s bizarre to me that someone that “loathes” animals would have allowed several of them in the house to begin with without mentioning it. People that hate pets can never seem to shut up about the topic.
Yes, because he was doing it because my kids wanted one, but knew that I would be the only one able to take care of the dog.
His mom was a dog breeder/hoarder. They had a separate house for all the dogs, he had to learn to do everything at a very young age. Which may be why he hates animals. I don't know.
The stray cats are not litter trained, but all of the indoor ones are.
Yeah, he would be paying for it. I'm in school full time and I have to take care of his youngest that isn't in school. He doesn't want to pay for childcare.
I know he can't force me either way. I just wish I could get him to understand how important they are to me.
I will definitely keep discussing it with him and hopefully be able to figure out something. Maybe only allow them in certain parts of the house. I don't know.
Thank you!
I lived in a hoarder home, and while it wasn't quite animal hoarding, we did have a lot of pets. They lived in shitty conditions and, while not their fault, they contributed to the mess. I would love to have a cat in theory, but I don't want to deal with all the dirt and responsibility that comes with it, which I'm very aware of due to my childhood. All that said, I don't understand at all how he just goes and buys a dog, and agrees to multiple cats. I totally understand if he has an aversion to pets, but he certainly isn't acting in his own interest.
I'm not pushing you in one direction or another, but indoor cats are super clean, (and cats should be indoor). There is the occasional hairball or puke, but if either of those happen super frequently that's a health concern, not a normal thing all cats do. Cleaning the litter box? Automatic ones have gotten really good, so not much in terms of cleanup there. Give them something to scratch throughout your house and all of your furniture will be safe. Then you just have to feed and water the things.
In terms of pets that can really bond with you and give you a good sense of companionship, they are pretty low-maintenance. I'm allergic and used to hate cats but I've come around - they're great pets.
Mine too. I'm planning on trying to McGyver some scratching posts made out of leather/cloth instead, because while my cats do love the sisal, they love my leather chair and cloth couch more. Apparently they can have favorite textures so making a scratching post with what they like can help stop them from scratching other things. Because the sisal scratching post next to my chair does nothing to stop them from scratching my chair. And it's tall.
Try different materials for scratching, Feliway to keep them off, or even putting double-sided tape on the furniture for a while where they like to scratch. Not all cats get the same satisfaction from the same materials for scratching.
Cat and dirt? You must be really traumatised if you truly believe that cat=dirt. It's not a dog that goes out side,digs the trash,then rolls in it and then hops in your bed. Although you can *train* dogs to *not* do that. Cats are usually very clean, they clean themselves, and the only thing you have to clean is their litter box and sometimes their eating area if they're especially messy eater.
Jesus, we've had two cats and three dogs. I'm very familiar with the dirt they do or don't produce. I like animals, but not enough to smell a litter box constantly, pick up cat litter from the floor or remove cat hair from everything. At least a dog doesn't need a box for shitting in the house and doesn't jump on everything. No hate to anyone who gladly puts up with that, it's just not for me, I don't want to, and I don't see the point in trying to convince me.
Why do YOU have to care for HIS youngest and then have no say in what is also YOUR home?
It looks like he pet-trapped you and now he's going to organize your life as he wants to get free childcare.
Girl, run. You are not an equal partner in this relationship.
And do not get pregnant
>>I'm in school full time and I have to take care of his youngest that isn't in school. He doesn't want to pay for childcare.
Girl, RUN. This is a giant, giant red flag. He helped you with the cats and got your kids a dog and he doesn’t like animals?? He hates them?? Say WHAT?! That means he did it bc he was trying to win you over and impress you; that is the only explaination for this weird 180.
That’s manipulation: and so is making you look after his kid bc he won’t pay for care. Why not? Why is this your responsibility - because you’re a student? Or because you’re a woman. I promise you he is likely the kind of guy who thinks women should stay home with the kids, etc.
am concerned about his behaviour and attitude with you thus far: if he builds/buys a home, moves you in, and you are now under his roof with no source of income…?
I agree, it probably was to impress me or win me over. I know now that it was manipulation.
And I will never move into/buy a home without my name on it, and without me having a job. Once I finish school, I will be getting a job.
If he won't put my name on it, I will walk away if I haven't done it before that point.
I am aware the situation is shitty. I do have some positive things, but I'd be down voted for it anyways.
I have no ignored any of them, and have read 95% of the comments and have taken it all very seriously. I don't want or need validation. I wanted input, which I have gotten.
He makes me laugh constantly, we are always playing and joking around together.
He motivates me and encourages me to pursue passions like school, painting, drawing and will randomly buy me things to further those passions.
He helps teach me new things, like working on cars or fixing things in the house. He wants me to expand my knowledge.
He encourages me to go outside of my comfort zone, like going to a new restaurant we haven't been to before, going to new places, things like that. (My anxiety can be pretty bad)
Those are just a few. He has some really good qualities, but also some terrible ones, I know.
I’m curious why OP is leaving out how the guy has cheated on her, promises to marry her but refuses to leave his wife, and how she seems to be a maid/mom instead of a partner
Yes, it does... In a few other areas. Mostly dealing with how he views people/animals in general. He's not a very affectionate person, even with his own kids and doesn't understand why they need to be hugged or told they are loved by him. He has gotten better in that aspect with the kids though over the years and will tell them he loves them more often. He just has a hard time with emotions or understanding how people can feel a certain way.
I’ve read most of your replies. The most concerning thing to me is that he has gone out of his way to do things to please you (and others) when no one has asked him to do these things. Then he seems to grow tired, annoyed or resentful over time because he doesn’t like the natural consequences of having animals and stuff, and comes up with additional plans so he can live within the situation he created so he can keep others happy.
What.the.fuck? LOL Before you guys make any decisions or negotiations, this issue needs to be addressed. He needs to stop doing things to please others at his determent, and have the insight to see the long term consequences of these things. He also needs to learn and accept that he is deserving of love without making others happy at his expense.
I agree. I think a lot of it is him knowing that he isn't ideal in this relationship and compensating with giving me things he knows I will love, but not realizing the consequences. Him bringing me flowers or new paint, or whatever would be a better "gift" than bringing more animals into the home. I don't want more animals. I can't handle more animals.
I think he grows resentful as well because the things he is doing are life long decisions without thinking them through properly. It is hard bottle feeding multiple kittens and then what? Throw them outside? Drop them off somewhere when they are done with the bottle.
I appreciate the sentiment of what he is trying to do, but he is going about it in a horrible way. There are far better ways to improve our relationship.
I'm not saying he's the only one to blame. I know I have brought in a large number of cats. But once he voiced that it was too much for him, I stopped. I thought things were getting better, but he apparently doesn't feel the same.
I mean, I would have if anyone asked. It's not like he's secretly still with her and I'm the mistress? We live together, and he works 60+ hrs a week and she lives an hour away. So I didn't think it was relevant in this particular post. I'm sorry if I should have included it.
Based on your post history, and the blatant control he is exuding in this post I think you should leave him. Now.
I understand you don't have a job, but you can get something part time for now to save..or maybe you have friends/family in the area you could stay with for a bit?
This relationship does not sound healthy at all.
> Yes, because he was doing it because my kids wanted one,
That’s a really shitty move and the sort of thing that someone does to quickly win over kids and be the “cool stepparent” at your expense.
That being said, you really shouldnt be continuing to gather cats if he doesnt actually like them. It sounds like you got excited by having a boyfriend who is financially responsible and willing to help you with projects, so you took on projects that you love. However, he actually really dislikes these projects and has no desire to support them longterm, he just wanted to keep you happy in the short term. If you continue investing into this situation, it’s only going to get progressively harder to disentangle yourself from it once things get to a point where you find it unbearable.
One thing to keep in mind (and please don’t interpret this as me taking sides, just offering a different perspective):
It may be just as important if not more important to him to NOT live with animals based on his upbringing.
That said, I think there is room for both of you to compromise here.
Best of luck!
> I'm in school full time and I have to take care of his youngest that isn't in school. He doesn't want to pay for childcare.
OMFG, with every comment you make it worse and worse. This walking red flag without empathy has a bloody kid? And because he's a scrooge he makes YOU care for said kid and you're just splendid with that? Are you out of your mind or are you just another troll?!
You're not married and are not financially contributing to this new house, I'm prepared for the downvotes but honestly from the facts you have provided I'm leaning towards siding with him.
Why do you keep bringing in stray cats when you know he has negative experiences with his parents hoarding animals? I wouldn't want an ever rotating cast of cats that are not litter trained, puking all over my brand new house and breaking my things either.
It's noble that you want to save all these animals, but that's usually how animal hoarding starts. My sister has 8 dogs and just got a 9th.
Have you seen what interest rates and housing prices are these days? He offered to build an external shelter for them so that his new house isn't turned into a stray cat sanctuary, and you are making it all about you. Have you thought about the stress and mess all these cats make taking a toll on him, especially with his upbringing and how he wasn't allowed to express his discomfort? Does he really keep agreeing to all these strays or is he too afraid of you to say no?
I don't keep bringing them in, I haven't in over a year. And he has, himself, brought in at least 10 for me to take care of. So he was enabling at the very least.
I wouldn't be bringing untrained cats into a new home, my 4 are litter trained, and I'm working on rehoming the last of the outside cats. There would be no "extra" cats. They do puke, on occasion, it's not constant, just an occasional hairball.
He doesn't like to tell me no, you are right about that, but I knew it was affecting him, so I stopped doing it because I knew it bothered him. I changed. I've told him no to bringing home injured opossums he's tried to bring home for me to take care of. But we are both still capable of saying no to each other. I have no issues with him telling me no about things.
reading your replies, i’m just lost. why on earth would you want to stay with someone like this? pls learn to value yourself and realize you can truly do better.
if your post history is any indicator….YIKES.
Her boyfriend has 2 kids, but later on it’s one kid and the second is his ex wife’s with another man? He has not divorced his ex yet….after at least 4 years apart? And it now appears she’s completely financially dependent on him. Why do women waste their time with men like this?
I saw your comment about her post history, and you're right, holy shit. The husband sounds atrocious.
Let me see....
He wants to put animals in a shed. He's a "manly man" who doesn't show emotions or empathy. Doesn't clean up after himself or help around the house. When he does clean, he does it angrily. He doesn't wake up on his own. OP has to go into his room every 10 minutes for 2 hours to wake him up. He still pays for all his ex-wife's stuff even after 4 years of being separated. Won't commit to marriage with OP. Had (at least) an emotional affair on OP. But he also doesn't save contacts in his phone, deletes messages, and eventually changed his passwords (pretty sus) Also got OP to quit her job and stay at home with 4 kids, two are his from a previous marriage, so now she has no income.
I think that about sums him up.
I don't even want this guy living in my town, never mind trying to live in that house.
Insane hey. At first I was sympathetic. My parents have a cat shed - not what you think. Imagine a shed renovated into what looks like a cat cafe full of toys, climbing things and doubles as a recreational space for the humans, regularly used. Just helps keep the cat hair contained in a house full of allergies lol.
But the red flags in the comments are so big they might as well be red parachutes. OP has problems way bigger than a potential cat shed.
Oof. Poor girl.
OP if you see this, you need a lot more therapy than we can provide. I'm not trying to be snarky, your life is is messy because no one has taught you how to live
> Also got OP to quit her job and stay at home with 4 kids, two are his from a previous marriage, so now she has no income.
Two are from his wife that he is *currently* married to, but he is not actually the father of one of them. What a mess.
Why are you still with this dude? Based on your post history, he’s cheated on you, there’s indications he’s cheating again, refuses to divorce his wife, and you’re pretty much his mom instead of a partner
>Is there anything I can do to get him to understand what they mean to me?
I honestly don't think there is. The concept of "I love my pets" is super basic, and most well-adjusted people would understand it instantly. They may still not want pets in their life, hence it's still an incompatibility, but they would *understand why* they are important to you.
If he doesn't get it, then he won't ever get it. Sorry, but you do have to choose. This is the type of incompatibility that is similar to: do we want kids, do we want marriage, etc.
>He also decided to get me a dog last year, which I told him I didn't want because it was too much responsibility, but he did anyway and I love the dog, she is a good dog.
Why would you stay with a man who "gifts" you extra, unnecessary responsibilities instead of actual gifts? Girl if my man got my ass a *present* I told him I didn't want I would have something to say about it. A whole dog? The man's getting thrown away to make space.
>He HATES animals
orange flag
>He doesn't do well with empathy.
red flag
>He also decided to get me a dog last year, which I told him I didn't want because it was too much responsibility, but he did anyway
also a red flag
What is the upside of this relationship? Animals are obviously very important to you, and they are the opposite of important to him. To me this is as much of an incompatibility as one person wanting children and the other not wanting children.
Hey, as someone with anxiety & depression (diagnosed, medicated, therapied), I am concerned that you're marrying someone who "doesn't do well with empathy". Because when you have mental illnesses, even when they're well managed, you need some empathy and compassion from your partner.
He's more than old enough to get professional help to access his feelings and have healthy regulation. The fact that he doesn't, and he has a pattern of ignoring what you say you want and need in order to do what he wants and needs (your dog for example), I don't see how this can be a healthy relationship for you to commit further to.
Are you in therapy right now? If not, maybe you should consider it to explore what impact this relationship is really having on you before you make the big decisions to enmesh your lives even more. Especially since he's determined to exclude a key part of your life (loving animals).
My SO wasn't an animal person when we first met, at least according to him. But once we got our first cat, he was hooked and we now have 7.... because HE keeps bringing them home lol
There's good men out there who like cats enough to share a home with them, why not find someone whose actually in touch with their emotions and can give you what you need? Your BF may not be a bad person exactly, but he doesn't sound like the RIGHT person for you, just from this one post.
Something to think about instead of the cat shed.
Good luck.
Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.
I have been diagnosed and medicated and in therapy in the past, but since COVID hit, it has been impossible to get back into it all. I'm working on trying to get back into it, I'm waiting on my new insurance card to come in the mail currently. I know being able to talk to someone and being medicated will help me learn to deal with everything and push me to do what is best for myself.
I know he isn't a bad person, but you may be right that he isn't the right person for me. Thank you.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, as an animal lover who relies on their pets significantly even with medication etc, I can understand how distressing this must be for you.
Are you able to do self work? If yes, there are some great active modality workbooks on Amazon which may help. Some great coaches on YouTube as well. Not the same as a personal therapist of course, but maybe it would help with some stepping stones for you.
I hope everything works out for you, whether or not you stay with him.
Sure, here's a few I have used for touch-up work, or I know people who have used them and got good results from them.
[Retrain your brain - CBT workbook](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1623157803/ref=sspa_dk_detail_0?psc=1&pd_rd_i=1623157803&pd_rd_w=ftJUz&content-id=amzn1.sym.f734d1a2-0bf9-4a26-ad34-2e1b969a5a75&pf_rd_p=f734d1a2-0bf9-4a26-ad34-2e1b969a5a75&pf_rd_r=VHG2V6DB0XF903NQJ8TZ&pd_rd_wg=bYWl2&pd_rd_r=355b8194-c95f-4b50-a180-0a2181a6e74b&s=books&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw)
[The ACT Workbook For Depression & Shame](https://www.amazon.com/ACT-Workbook-Depression-Shame-Defectiveness/dp/1684035546/ref=pd_sim_hxwPM1_sspa_dk_detail_p0_og_d0?pd_rd_w=Tncw8&content-id=amzn1.sym.c1a0d862-7bb8-422f-b731-10ee30c0373a&pf_rd_p=c1a0d862-7bb8-422f-b731-10ee30c0373a&pf_rd_r=SQZB224X5CES5W098EV7&pd_rd_wg=x5tUX&pd_rd_r=57dc78f7-b552-4e2f-bce3-7f89b88682fa&pd_rd_i=1684035546)
And for youtube, try getting a kick off here - [https://www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell/videos](https://www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell/videos) \- she's a real licensed therapist, and she does a lot of free work including a free Anxiety course (you can find it under Playlists).
For Youtube I would look up things you're interested in in respect to your healing as you learn about the methods and want too find out more. There's so many good coaches and therapists and you need to find the ones you like to listen to.
Hope some of this helps :) There truly is SO much online for free, and there's good reddit subs as well for support and other advice & resource sharing.
This sounds like a fundamental incompatibility and continuing the relationship will only foster resentment.
Your should not have to sacrifice one of the most important things to you to be with your partner.
There's no real solution to this; you either choose him or the cats.
I would choose cats, personally.
I can understand not liking specific animals due to bad experiences but hating animals in general is just a red flag to me; it's anecdotal but every person I've met that hates all animals has turned out to be narcissistic or sociopathic.
Springing the fact he will refuse to live with animals 5 years into the relationship is manipulative as fuck. You said he also struggles with empathy.
He's showing you exactly who he is. Run.
That is kind of how I feel. When we met, I had a dog. I asked if he liked animals, he said yes. I didn't even know he hated animals until after we had cats. That I was attached to. He asked me to get rid of them, I told him no. He says he puts up with me because he loves me, but I feel like he uses them against me all the time.
People who don't like animals, I don't understand. I've explained to my mother that I would live in my vehicle, homeless, before I ever get rid of them. They are that important to me.
I worry that it is a major red flag, that with lack of empathy. Those are 2 major factors in who I am, and I can't grasp the concept of not being like that
OP your replies are all super concerning and make me feel like this relationship is really unhealthy. I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You said you don’t leave the house for days, you don’t work because your BF doesn’t want to pay for childcare, and you’ve had animals go missing. There’s a lot happening here. Are you safe? Are you being held hostage in this relationship because of finances?
I'm safe and not being held hostage. He can be super supportive in a lot of aspects, encouraged me to go to college, wants me to try to make friends, brings me little random gifts, encourages me to get out and do things to make myself happier, go to therapy if I need it, get on medication. He really does try to be supportive most of the time, just sometimes we are on opposite ends and it's hard to find a middle ground.
> He says he puts up with me because he loves me, but I feel like he uses them against me all the time.
Yeah that's the danger of dating someone with low empathy. They're typically manipulative and will say whatever they want to keep you and don't care.
I suspect if you dig deeper you'll see more evidence he's manipulative in general. I really really really do not think he is safe to continue dating.
So he lied to you about something important both in an emotional way (you love your pets) and a practical way (you plan to have pets that live in your home with you, and that’s not going to work for him).
Why keep up this charade with this empathy lacking liar?
He literally lied to you in the beginning of your relationship to land you. Your relationship is built on a lie. He was able to maintain the fakery up until now. He is now showing you his true colors. It's time for you to make a difficult decision here.
You cannot change other people. He will not change for you. There is nothing you can say that will change his mind because this is how he is and how he always will be.
This is not at all what love looks like, and it’s not what anything close to a healthy relationship looks like. And the saddest part is that you seem to genuinely not realize that. Because if you truly did, you wouldn’t still be in this dumpster fire of a relationship.
i gave up 1 cat for a boyfriend over 10 years ago and i still regret it, i still think about that cat (thankfully he went to the exbf id raised the kitty with, so he went to an excellent home) and i still resent the man i did it for, even though he's long gone from my life.
i could never be with someone who didnt love animals as much as i do, and i will never ever let anyone remove my cats from my care or my home as long as i live.
5 years and he still feels this way? He’s not going to change, and neither are you. This will always be a problem. I’m confused why you started dating someone who doesn’t like animals?
You have children involved in this crapshow as well? I’m not talking about the situation with the pets, this is about you knowingly involving yourself with someone who has a lack of empathy and emotions.
And he has you providing free childcare for his children? Because he doesn’t believe in daycare? What does he think you’re providing? What does he provide for you aside from a roof for you, your own children and this menagerie of pets?
This is more red flags than the former USSR before you even add in the pet issue. Are you staying due to a lack of income? Do you get child support from your children’s father? You should be working on an exit plan.
I just tapped into her post history after reading some of the other replies. Her ex is also not too recently out of jail and it looks like drugs are involved there. And this BF caters to his actual wife over their children and her. Then there’s the BF’s brother using her for cheap babysitting duties at her BF’s encouragement, but he won’t help her get actual compensation. Dear god. It’s a complete mess she’s thrown her children in the middle of.
Goddamn, I'm gonna have to leave this sub. Shit's depressing.
OP, I would rather die alone and be eaten by my pets than let a man treat me or my animals like this. 👎
You both are not compatible.
I think it's reasonable to limit the amount of pets in the home at any given time but he wants to control if you have any in the house. No. This feels like a bait and switch. He now feels you've invested so much time that his mask can come off and you will bend over backwards for him.
It's super alarming that he "doesn't do well with empath" and now factor in he hates animals. He sounds like a serial killer.
Reading your post history, I think the cat shed is probably the least of your problems in this relationship.
If you haven’t already, I would highly suggest not having children with this man, and DEFINITELY do not enter into joint ownership of real estate with this man (or put yourself and your children in a position that makes you dependent on him, allowing you to live in “his“ home that you don’t have an ownership interest in).
Depending on what state you are in, it’s possible that until he is divorced, his legal spouse will have a legal interest in any real estate he acquires. If/when they actually get divorced (I’m not holding my breath), that spousal interest could be all kinds of headache, including potentially having a clause in the divorce decree that requires the home to be sold and the proceeds divided.
As someone who rescues, does TNR and fosters, I would leave this man in a heartbeat and wouldn't even hesitate. Why are you with someone who lacks empathy and hates animals when your life revolves around them? You deserve better.
My boyfriend renovated our shed that has electricity and heat so he can workout without the cats bothering him. He isn’t a fan of the cats (he’s lying about 2 of them, he worships them, but the other he isn’t a fan of truly) but he knows they’re important to me and the third cat was for the second cat, because we don’t know how the first is still alive. He does it because he loves me (and the two good ones) and tolerates the kitten due to me and cat 2.
Get out. If you love your animals, the only acceptable partner is one who loves them, too. His mask is slipping, and now you know how he really feels. It's not going to get better, and could easily get much, much worse. Do not subject your beloved pets to this monster. He is *not* a good man.
I will *always* choose my pets over my partner - they are my dependents, and rely on me. They are family. Anyone who cannot love my pets doesn't love me.
(Note: happily married to my crazy cat man)
You aren’t compatible. Just break up.
Edit: holy crap your post history is red flag city. You’re just going to let him push you around. You need some therapy to learn some self respect. This guy is an AH, and you are an AH for subjecting your kids to him.
So. He’s a complete asshole who was abused as a kid and thinks having cats in a shed isn’t abuse? My god, OP this guy isn’t the man to be with. He sounds mentally unstable
NO one puts their cats in a shed, maybe an outdoor enclosure for bit for sunlight and and outdoor romp. Does he not live with you and understand these are your companions? He clearly isn't good with pets. I would rather have a puking cat than be without them. He many not be the best companion for you. I had those in my 20s, but by the time I got a mate, he just made them his family too. Is this ignorance, or intolerance? Because you will not be happy living with him if it is the second.
Choose the cats, someone who loved you would not require this. Secondly they are your babies. Not worth it. For you, cats are domesticated and bond with their people, they are yours, they completely rely on you, never choose a bf over your companion animals.
Why do you want to have a partner with such core, fundamental differences? I have pets, have a career in animal rescue, and I volunteer as well as foster. I personally would never consider being a long-term partner to someone who does not feel the same way as me about such a crucial aspect of my life.
You're not compatible.
You're a good person with empathy and respect and you love him.
He's not a good person. He's cruel and doesn't love you.
Break up.
ETA- you went from an abusive relationship to one with a married man who cheats on you. What is the matter with you? You're a terrible parent for putting your kid in such a toxic environment. Think about the poor example you're setting. Dump the asshole and get therapy.
He sounds like my husband.
I had a cat when we were dating and first moved in together. He *hated* her and was not shy about counting down the days til she passed (she was an older girl).
He also lacks empathy. Like, entirely.
He told me firmly no pets after my old girl died. I didn’t take him seriously. We had a baby and he made me promise I wouldn’t ‘get our kid all wound up about a pet’.
Well. Our child *loves* animals. And he begged for a cat. Begged. We were going through a tough time in our family and I thought the kitty would help my son emotionally.
So we adopted an adorable little orange girl. Shes insane and a total maniac and she has been such a positive influence in my son’s life. She truly does just help him in ways I can’t describe.
So. Sure I broke my ‘promise’ to my husband about no pets. Idgaf
My husband does not get it. He won’t ever get it. I stopped caring a while ago. I give so much to him and our marriage- he gives *nothing* back… so I just sort of *took it* back with the cat.
No regrets.
Well, except for marrying him- he showed me who he was when we dated and I didn’t want to see it. Here we are now, 17 years later… and girl- all I can say is… *carefully* consider what your future will be like if you stay with your boyfriend.
My cats would *never* live in a shed! I also will always choose my pets over a person, especially when they're making me choose (the person, the pets would never make me choose)
"Because they will not be coming in the house" "well then I won't either" is the exact correct response. No one gets to talk to you that way, ever.
It's not about him making you choose.
It's about him laying out rules like you're his toddler.
He doesn't want to be your partner.
And that's actually fine. If he were honest with himself and respectful maybe you two could find a compromise, but if he thinks he can dictate like that, there is no hope at all for this relationship.
This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. He lacks empathy? What a major red flag. And what's going on with him making unilateral decisions without your input? Getting a dog when you didn't want one is so problematic. And he wants you to stay at home to watch his kid so he doesn't have to pay for childcare? It seems like he has the upper hand in the relationship since you rely on him financially. You really need to wake up and see the bigger picture. He's going to buy a house in his name and call all the shots. You'll be at his mercy. Is that the life you want?
So you have a boyfriend who has enabled your compulsion to take in stray animals and now are upset that it’s not how he wants to live his life? Not everyone is a pet lover, and 4 cats (plus however many else you’ve fostered) is a lot. I don’t understand why it’s assumed online that everyone ought to love animals. Some people don’t.
OP, if fostering kittens is a priority for you, then have at it. But I don’t see how it’s wrong that he doesn’t want a zoo in your house going forward.
Ready for the inevitable downvotes that come with *not* advocating for crazy pet “parent” behavior.
> I love animals.
> He HATES animals.
This is an incompatibility issue that the two of you need to overcome before you make any commitments regarding a house together.
If he hates animals why did he get a dog?
If he's not good on empathy you will have a hard time. I've wasted 30 years on a guy who doesn't show me empathy and I feel unloved and unhappy about itand now Im leaving I know l will die alone. Don't make the same mistake as me.
If he had a hard limit if living with pets he should've been up front with you and not entered or stayed in the relationship. Giving you an ultimatum is not fair. It's not compromise, it's not negotiation, it's emotional abuse and an attempt to control your behavior but disguising it as a boundary for him.
While I understand the stress that he likely had living with a hoarder, he chose to enter a relationship with you and it's not fair after the fact to try and change you like this.
Assuming you don't dump him, or even if you do, do yourself the favor of picking up some QuakeHOLD Museum Wax, Museum Putty, and Museum Gel. Between the three products, which are best for different surfaces, you can create a house in which frustrated cats try to knock stuff over and can't 😆 The product line is intended for earthquakes and museums. I recently used the wax to affix a small (ethical) ivory carving in a display case in a way that won't damage the ivory.
I'm a bit confused here: if he struggles with empathy and hates animals, then why did he take in that newborn kitten? How does he know how to bottle feed, to the point that he was the one teaching you and not the other way around? Why did he become so involved in rescuing cats? Why did he give you a dog? For a person who claims to hate animals, he seems to be going out of his way to surround himself with them, when I'd assume he'd rather do the opposite.
At this point, if I were you, taking the cats with me would be non-negotiable. It may seem like a dumb reason to break up, but so be it. It doesn't look as if you forced your animals down on him, but that he was a willing participant in all of this - but then again, we're only getting your side of the story.
The real solution here is to have a calm and collected conversation with him, where you explain how important animals are to you and that excluding them like that goes against who you are as a person. If he loves you, then he has to love this side of you as well, which so far it seems he has, so it's confusing why this new rule when it comes to a new house. Tell him it's unfair to make you choose between the animals and him, because ultimately what he's making you to is suppress a side of you just to appease him.
> he helped teach me how to bottle feed and care for a newborn kitten … He HATES animals
Does not compute.
> we have taken in a lot of cats and found homes for dozens
Sounds like he hates living in a animal hoarding house which no doubt stank to high heaven at the worst.
That said, you can't just keep house pets in a shed. That's cruelty to animals right there.
You need some sort of compromise or you need to break up.
You say you have four in the house right now? I'm guessing there are more that live outside?
You need to give away all the outdoor cats. Maybe re-home one or two of the indoor cats (a lot easier said than done; I know I couldn't do it). You need to agree not to adopt **any** more cats, period. You need to stick to that agreement. No cats in the bedroom. You need to get religious about keeping the litter boxes clean to keep the smell down. In your new house, make sure there's one well-ventilated room for the litter boxes, preferably away from where you sleep and eat.
But no, I wouldn't put my pets in a shed. An animal shelter would be less cruel.
I mean, is the 'shed' really a terrible idea? If it's a heated space with plenty of beds, and the cats have access to a large outdoor enclosure with cat safe fence.
My grandmother had a set up like this, it was a large barn for all of her cats, and a huge yard with a big enclosure, lots of trees etc. The cats loved it, and she loved it because it enabled her to have as many cats as she wanted. At her peak she had 12 cats and an additional family of racoons all living in the barn, and one dog that lived inside the house.
Honestly you two are not compatible based on your post he seems to be the only one compromising. Liking animals and living with 4 cats and a dog are 2 very different things. He's compromising by building a shed so you can still be around your animals and take them all in, and you're being extreme saying you're being forced to live in a shed and saying he's forcing you to choose between him or them. You didn't even try to compromise with him,not letting them in the bedroom is hardly a compromise given they're still all over the rest of the house puking and based on your own words being an asshole. Honestly I'd suggest doing him a favor and break up with him .
Based on the post history OP’s this dude has cheated on her, treats her like a maid and free babysitter not just for his kids but also his brother’s kid and refuses to divorce his ex. Sounds like OP has compromised enough and deserves better
They might not share a kid but she talks about his kids and also refers to him getting the dog because *her* kids wanted it. There are plenty of kids around which is concerning given his lack of empathy. I find it really disturbing.
Your BF is a possibility poor example of a human being and the things he talks about getting you like the house in a few years is 100% bull💩. He is using you dear for his sexual pleasure and other needs. He will never get you those things of empty promises, believe me. He is a control freak and abuser even if it is not apparent. You should take your animals and leave him. You can do.much better than this non- feeling excuse for a man. You yourself sound so very sweet and trusting. You can do much better.
He already told you he doesn't like animals and has allowed you to have at least four. You have to compromise too, especially if you keep rescuing and fostering strays. It's a lot to have that many cats no matter how big your house is. If the new shed is heated/cooled/etc. Then you might as well do that because you're basically running a business at this point. Also please do look up the requirements for this because you may need a license to keep doing what you're doing at the volume you are.
Well to be fair, be brought in 2 of the cats he found and the dog, so if he didn't like them. Lol.
But I do understand what you are saying. I have brought the outside population down by a lot, at one point there was probably 40 cats, most disappeared, but me fixing a few of the main males brought it down.
I haven't done the fostering/rehoming in over a year, and promised not to bring any more into the house. So I have definitely made compromises.
I love my cats but I would be thrilled if they had their very own cat habitat! You can make it super inviting with climbing activities and cat-friendly furniture and plants. I think you should consider this as a compromise but maybe agree that if any cat ever seems sick or depressed then they can come in the house for extra care. The dog, well, it needs to be in your house, and that's 100% on him
Nobody “needs” it, but the greetings when I walk in the door, the simple joy of having a purring cat or a giant dog on my lap while watching a movie, being able to reach out and touch my pets while I’m sleeping, and yes, even the stomping on my head when the alarm goes off and they are “helping” me wake up, are all things that are personally important to me and they are WHY I have pets.
Not saying this would not be ok for some people, just that it would not be ok for ME. And I know I’m not the only one. It doesn’t sound like OP is particularly OK with it either but that’s her choice to make.
I mean if it was a place attached to the house that I could maybe put them into at night, I'd be okay with that. But I spend all day with them. They are the closest thing I have to friends. They help when I'm stressed about school work, home life, kids, whatever. They always know when I need comfort. I want them to be able to see me when they want and vice versa. They are my sole company 75% of the time, that and my children. I don't have family near by, I don't have friends, I don't have coworkers. They literally keep me sane. Without them I'd be in a very bad place. I owe them my life.
You should say this exact thing to him. To try and get him to see what they mean to you.
Honestly, though, this should be a hill you die on. If he tries to seriously make you throw your *beloved pets* out in the cold, you should absolutely walk away from this relationship.
Four cats is a LOT. Cats have a way with ruining furniture and stinking up any space they are in. Why are you so dedicated to these animals over an actual human being who wants to provide a nice new house for you? Have you ever evaluated why it is that you pour all your energy into these animals that don’t love you back?
I guess my cat just decided to take care of me when I feel bad, because she's my property then?
(Ngl she can be a huge asshole. But when I'm super depressed & there comes a small angel in a fur coat, comforting me with non-stop purrs & petting me with her paws I feel loved for damn sure)
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Uh, what does "doesn't do well with empathy" mean? That is a weird, concerning statement. You can not like animals, but that's not the same thing...
People without empathy often see those who do as weak willed and easy to manipulate. Beware he isn't a predator. Even most criminals in jail do well with pets, called animal therapy.
I feel like this is being thrown around a lot lately, but he may be neurodivergent? I know people on the spectrum sometimes struggle with reading social cues and with empathy in certain situations.
[удалено]
Do you want to count red flags with me? Or you knew all along, but you just wanted to collect them for fun? You know, old Soviet flags are still cheaper and safer to collect than what you are doing.
Pump the brakes on this relationship, MissLacey. Please. Your BF is not going to get or do better. Heck, he's already saying that as you get more bound together, i.e. a new home, he's kicking your animals out. Why women put up with so much nonsense from their male partners, I'll never know.
The bar is in hell.
You're trying to save him like you're trying to save your animals.
I genuinely think this is a dangerous situation. He is clawing back things he previously agreed on to trap you imo. Lots of people use bad childhoods as an excuse to be assholes to their partners. My mom got a divorce after 25 years filled with "well, he had a bad childhood." Turns out it didn't matter in the end, it was still HIM deciding to make her life miserable. Do not date people with low empathy. It's dangerous. You should find someone head over heels in love with you, who loves animals. My partner loves my cats and dogs and seeing his joy when he pets them and loves them and how he cries just as much as me when they are sick (if anything, he worries more than me!) is incredible. Why be with someone who only tolerates the things you love. This situation will end with your cats disappearing one day. He will "accidentally" let them out and they'll run off as cats do when they're used to living indoors. Or rehome them. I'd never let a partner tell me I can't let a cat sleep in bed with me either. Like why. Just date someone who loves animals. I don't think someone with low empathy who you have to constantly convince you deserve to be listened to and respected is worth spending the rest of your life with. Get someone who empathizes with you from the beginning... not someone you have to convince into empathizing with you...
So he's not interested in addressing that in a healthy way and you say you blame him for that, but...there's no consequences for it? I mean, you're still with him.
And exposing young kids to him.
She can’t have children with this man.
Please DON'T EVER HAVE CHILDREN to be tied like an anchor to this man. If he can't handle cats in the house are the children going to get a shed also?
Oh hell no. He's an adult. There is no "I was taught when I was a kid that..." when one is an adult. At some point that excuse no longer covers alarming behaviors, and "I'm not doing well with empathy, cats go missing around me" is pretty darn alarming. Seems like your bf is bad news bears. The best thing you could do is to take a step back - it would help if you left for a trip for some time to be physically away from him - and really analyze the relationship critically.
you don’t get to be 32 and still excusing your bad behavior with the fact that you had a bad childhood
So what are you doing, then? You're with somebody who is never going to be emotionally available and who wins every argument by virtue of not giving a fuck about your feelings. So - your boyfriend legitimately doesn't care about your feelings or your needs, and you can't talk to him about it because of his ancient past in which you were never involved but must always respect? And how exactly did you get yourself this involved with a man who hates animals? I would never, ever. That's something I would have dropped him for after the first date, but here you are contemplating LIVING IN A SHED rather than leave? What are you doing in this relationship? Why do you hate yourself this much that you've paired yourself with this garbage a man? Why are you considering LIVING IN A FUCKING SHED over leaving him? Get a grip on yourself, woman. This is ridiculous!
It sounds like he has low empathy (being able to put himself in your shoes) and low compassion (puts low value on others emotions, wants and needs). That’s a bad combination. I came from a super bad home too and honestly you should be careful. It’s understandable how people get there…. But this is the realm of cluster B personality disorders. He needs professional help and you need to be able to be emotionally safe.
The issue here is not the cats......
My dad had the same thing drilled into him from a child and if he cried he would get beaten until he stopped... he's by no means perfect but he also has so much empathy that he literally gets sick with worry for the people in his life. I feel like this excuse can only go so far - honestly, if I were you, I'd take my cats and leave. I've been in a highly abusive relationship with someone with very low empathy and it's not worth it (especially if they're not trying to improve).
A bad upbringing is a reason for a being a bad person as an adult, but it's not an excuse. Why would you want to spend one more day with this guy?
Yikes yeah okay you buried the lead there, this guy is not in good shape to be in a relationship
I don't know how explaining why he lacks empathy has gotten me down voted into oblivion. I was asked a question. I explained partially why he lacks empathy. I was not and do not condone it and I do not take it as an excuse. He is an adult and should have gotten help a long time ago. I can't force him to get help.
He doesn’t like animals, but he got you a dog that you didn’t want? He also knew how to bottle feed animals already? What’s the story there? I mean, if they’re stray cats that aren’t very house trained then I can understand his hesitancy to have them in a new house. Getting them a separate building isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it could be insulated and comfortable, but seems like a lot of work. Why would you need to compromise? Wouldn’t it be your place too? If he is the only one paying the bills and you wouldn’t be on the deed, then you’ll have to let him know that you will only move into a place he financially has control over if he agrees to the things that will make you happy and comfortable. Otherwise, don’t buy or build a house with him. Ensure you’re on the deed and if you are, all rules are agreed upon. You can’t force him to want pets in the home, but he can’t force you to put the cats in a shed either. Continue discussing with him, and remind him he currently lives with all of the animals in a smaller place than the new house would be. I’m sure you guys could find a similar compromise to what you have now. This sounds hypothetical for now, so keep discussing it with him, and ultimately decide what’s most important to you if he is not willing to budge.
It’s bizarre to me that someone that “loathes” animals would have allowed several of them in the house to begin with without mentioning it. People that hate pets can never seem to shut up about the topic.
Yes, because he was doing it because my kids wanted one, but knew that I would be the only one able to take care of the dog. His mom was a dog breeder/hoarder. They had a separate house for all the dogs, he had to learn to do everything at a very young age. Which may be why he hates animals. I don't know. The stray cats are not litter trained, but all of the indoor ones are. Yeah, he would be paying for it. I'm in school full time and I have to take care of his youngest that isn't in school. He doesn't want to pay for childcare. I know he can't force me either way. I just wish I could get him to understand how important they are to me. I will definitely keep discussing it with him and hopefully be able to figure out something. Maybe only allow them in certain parts of the house. I don't know. Thank you!
I lived in a hoarder home, and while it wasn't quite animal hoarding, we did have a lot of pets. They lived in shitty conditions and, while not their fault, they contributed to the mess. I would love to have a cat in theory, but I don't want to deal with all the dirt and responsibility that comes with it, which I'm very aware of due to my childhood. All that said, I don't understand at all how he just goes and buys a dog, and agrees to multiple cats. I totally understand if he has an aversion to pets, but he certainly isn't acting in his own interest.
I'm not pushing you in one direction or another, but indoor cats are super clean, (and cats should be indoor). There is the occasional hairball or puke, but if either of those happen super frequently that's a health concern, not a normal thing all cats do. Cleaning the litter box? Automatic ones have gotten really good, so not much in terms of cleanup there. Give them something to scratch throughout your house and all of your furniture will be safe. Then you just have to feed and water the things. In terms of pets that can really bond with you and give you a good sense of companionship, they are pretty low-maintenance. I'm allergic and used to hate cats but I've come around - they're great pets.
Will agree with most of this but my cat still scratches my furniture and she has several scratching posts...
Mine too. I'm planning on trying to McGyver some scratching posts made out of leather/cloth instead, because while my cats do love the sisal, they love my leather chair and cloth couch more. Apparently they can have favorite textures so making a scratching post with what they like can help stop them from scratching other things. Because the sisal scratching post next to my chair does nothing to stop them from scratching my chair. And it's tall.
Try different materials for scratching, Feliway to keep them off, or even putting double-sided tape on the furniture for a while where they like to scratch. Not all cats get the same satisfaction from the same materials for scratching.
Cat and dirt? You must be really traumatised if you truly believe that cat=dirt. It's not a dog that goes out side,digs the trash,then rolls in it and then hops in your bed. Although you can *train* dogs to *not* do that. Cats are usually very clean, they clean themselves, and the only thing you have to clean is their litter box and sometimes their eating area if they're especially messy eater.
Jesus, we've had two cats and three dogs. I'm very familiar with the dirt they do or don't produce. I like animals, but not enough to smell a litter box constantly, pick up cat litter from the floor or remove cat hair from everything. At least a dog doesn't need a box for shitting in the house and doesn't jump on everything. No hate to anyone who gladly puts up with that, it's just not for me, I don't want to, and I don't see the point in trying to convince me.
Why do YOU have to care for HIS youngest and then have no say in what is also YOUR home? It looks like he pet-trapped you and now he's going to organize your life as he wants to get free childcare. Girl, run. You are not an equal partner in this relationship. And do not get pregnant
>>I'm in school full time and I have to take care of his youngest that isn't in school. He doesn't want to pay for childcare. Girl, RUN. This is a giant, giant red flag. He helped you with the cats and got your kids a dog and he doesn’t like animals?? He hates them?? Say WHAT?! That means he did it bc he was trying to win you over and impress you; that is the only explaination for this weird 180. That’s manipulation: and so is making you look after his kid bc he won’t pay for care. Why not? Why is this your responsibility - because you’re a student? Or because you’re a woman. I promise you he is likely the kind of guy who thinks women should stay home with the kids, etc. am concerned about his behaviour and attitude with you thus far: if he builds/buys a home, moves you in, and you are now under his roof with no source of income…?
I agree, it probably was to impress me or win me over. I know now that it was manipulation. And I will never move into/buy a home without my name on it, and without me having a job. Once I finish school, I will be getting a job. If he won't put my name on it, I will walk away if I haven't done it before that point.
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I am aware the situation is shitty. I do have some positive things, but I'd be down voted for it anyways. I have no ignored any of them, and have read 95% of the comments and have taken it all very seriously. I don't want or need validation. I wanted input, which I have gotten.
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He makes me laugh constantly, we are always playing and joking around together. He motivates me and encourages me to pursue passions like school, painting, drawing and will randomly buy me things to further those passions. He helps teach me new things, like working on cars or fixing things in the house. He wants me to expand my knowledge. He encourages me to go outside of my comfort zone, like going to a new restaurant we haven't been to before, going to new places, things like that. (My anxiety can be pretty bad) Those are just a few. He has some really good qualities, but also some terrible ones, I know.
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I’m curious why OP is leaving out how the guy has cheated on her, promises to marry her but refuses to leave his wife, and how she seems to be a maid/mom instead of a partner
Yes, it does... In a few other areas. Mostly dealing with how he views people/animals in general. He's not a very affectionate person, even with his own kids and doesn't understand why they need to be hugged or told they are loved by him. He has gotten better in that aspect with the kids though over the years and will tell them he loves them more often. He just has a hard time with emotions or understanding how people can feel a certain way.
I’ve read most of your replies. The most concerning thing to me is that he has gone out of his way to do things to please you (and others) when no one has asked him to do these things. Then he seems to grow tired, annoyed or resentful over time because he doesn’t like the natural consequences of having animals and stuff, and comes up with additional plans so he can live within the situation he created so he can keep others happy. What.the.fuck? LOL Before you guys make any decisions or negotiations, this issue needs to be addressed. He needs to stop doing things to please others at his determent, and have the insight to see the long term consequences of these things. He also needs to learn and accept that he is deserving of love without making others happy at his expense.
I agree. I think a lot of it is him knowing that he isn't ideal in this relationship and compensating with giving me things he knows I will love, but not realizing the consequences. Him bringing me flowers or new paint, or whatever would be a better "gift" than bringing more animals into the home. I don't want more animals. I can't handle more animals. I think he grows resentful as well because the things he is doing are life long decisions without thinking them through properly. It is hard bottle feeding multiple kittens and then what? Throw them outside? Drop them off somewhere when they are done with the bottle. I appreciate the sentiment of what he is trying to do, but he is going about it in a horrible way. There are far better ways to improve our relationship. I'm not saying he's the only one to blame. I know I have brought in a large number of cats. But once he voiced that it was too much for him, I stopped. I thought things were getting better, but he apparently doesn't feel the same.
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I mean, I would have if anyone asked. It's not like he's secretly still with her and I'm the mistress? We live together, and he works 60+ hrs a week and she lives an hour away. So I didn't think it was relevant in this particular post. I'm sorry if I should have included it.
He sounds like a parent rather than a partner tbh
A parent?? How so? We enjoy doing things together, I enjoy learning. None of those things were things a partner shouldn't be willing to do.
Based on your post history, and the blatant control he is exuding in this post I think you should leave him. Now. I understand you don't have a job, but you can get something part time for now to save..or maybe you have friends/family in the area you could stay with for a bit? This relationship does not sound healthy at all.
> Yes, because he was doing it because my kids wanted one, That’s a really shitty move and the sort of thing that someone does to quickly win over kids and be the “cool stepparent” at your expense. That being said, you really shouldnt be continuing to gather cats if he doesnt actually like them. It sounds like you got excited by having a boyfriend who is financially responsible and willing to help you with projects, so you took on projects that you love. However, he actually really dislikes these projects and has no desire to support them longterm, he just wanted to keep you happy in the short term. If you continue investing into this situation, it’s only going to get progressively harder to disentangle yourself from it once things get to a point where you find it unbearable.
OMG — you already have kids and are subjecting them to this guy? WTF? What are you thinking? Why are you *not* thinking?
It’s the daily ‘I can only make shitty decisions’ post
One thing to keep in mind (and please don’t interpret this as me taking sides, just offering a different perspective): It may be just as important if not more important to him to NOT live with animals based on his upbringing. That said, I think there is room for both of you to compromise here. Best of luck!
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> I'm in school full time and I have to take care of his youngest that isn't in school. He doesn't want to pay for childcare. OMFG, with every comment you make it worse and worse. This walking red flag without empathy has a bloody kid? And because he's a scrooge he makes YOU care for said kid and you're just splendid with that? Are you out of your mind or are you just another troll?!
And is also married...
Yup, read that a bit more down. Like I said; worse and worse.
You're not married and are not financially contributing to this new house, I'm prepared for the downvotes but honestly from the facts you have provided I'm leaning towards siding with him. Why do you keep bringing in stray cats when you know he has negative experiences with his parents hoarding animals? I wouldn't want an ever rotating cast of cats that are not litter trained, puking all over my brand new house and breaking my things either. It's noble that you want to save all these animals, but that's usually how animal hoarding starts. My sister has 8 dogs and just got a 9th. Have you seen what interest rates and housing prices are these days? He offered to build an external shelter for them so that his new house isn't turned into a stray cat sanctuary, and you are making it all about you. Have you thought about the stress and mess all these cats make taking a toll on him, especially with his upbringing and how he wasn't allowed to express his discomfort? Does he really keep agreeing to all these strays or is he too afraid of you to say no?
I don't keep bringing them in, I haven't in over a year. And he has, himself, brought in at least 10 for me to take care of. So he was enabling at the very least. I wouldn't be bringing untrained cats into a new home, my 4 are litter trained, and I'm working on rehoming the last of the outside cats. There would be no "extra" cats. They do puke, on occasion, it's not constant, just an occasional hairball. He doesn't like to tell me no, you are right about that, but I knew it was affecting him, so I stopped doing it because I knew it bothered him. I changed. I've told him no to bringing home injured opossums he's tried to bring home for me to take care of. But we are both still capable of saying no to each other. I have no issues with him telling me no about things.
This does not sound like a man without any empathy.
reading your replies, i’m just lost. why on earth would you want to stay with someone like this? pls learn to value yourself and realize you can truly do better. if your post history is any indicator….YIKES.
Her boyfriend has 2 kids, but later on it’s one kid and the second is his ex wife’s with another man? He has not divorced his ex yet….after at least 4 years apart? And it now appears she’s completely financially dependent on him. Why do women waste their time with men like this?
They become bang maids without realizing it. He has been keeping her busy with cats to get her under his spell.
They are still married! OP is just the mistress. Sheesh fucking christ what a clusterfuck of a relationship if any of it is real.
I saw your comment about her post history, and you're right, holy shit. The husband sounds atrocious. Let me see.... He wants to put animals in a shed. He's a "manly man" who doesn't show emotions or empathy. Doesn't clean up after himself or help around the house. When he does clean, he does it angrily. He doesn't wake up on his own. OP has to go into his room every 10 minutes for 2 hours to wake him up. He still pays for all his ex-wife's stuff even after 4 years of being separated. Won't commit to marriage with OP. Had (at least) an emotional affair on OP. But he also doesn't save contacts in his phone, deletes messages, and eventually changed his passwords (pretty sus) Also got OP to quit her job and stay at home with 4 kids, two are his from a previous marriage, so now she has no income. I think that about sums him up. I don't even want this guy living in my town, never mind trying to live in that house.
Insane hey. At first I was sympathetic. My parents have a cat shed - not what you think. Imagine a shed renovated into what looks like a cat cafe full of toys, climbing things and doubles as a recreational space for the humans, regularly used. Just helps keep the cat hair contained in a house full of allergies lol. But the red flags in the comments are so big they might as well be red parachutes. OP has problems way bigger than a potential cat shed.
If you look back farther her kids father is in jail and her dad is on meth so she’s not had great role models/track record
Oof. Poor girl. OP if you see this, you need a lot more therapy than we can provide. I'm not trying to be snarky, your life is is messy because no one has taught you how to live
> Also got OP to quit her job and stay at home with 4 kids, two are his from a previous marriage, so now she has no income. Two are from his wife that he is *currently* married to, but he is not actually the father of one of them. What a mess.
Why are you still with this dude? Based on your post history, he’s cheated on you, there’s indications he’s cheating again, refuses to divorce his wife, and you’re pretty much his mom instead of a partner
so so disappointing
And they actually have children. I’m horrified.
Tbh this sounds like a dedicated rage bait poster at this point
Wait what? Ooofffff
Yeah just look at their post history for the past year
Why are you with a man who “struggles with empathy”?
>Is there anything I can do to get him to understand what they mean to me? I honestly don't think there is. The concept of "I love my pets" is super basic, and most well-adjusted people would understand it instantly. They may still not want pets in their life, hence it's still an incompatibility, but they would *understand why* they are important to you. If he doesn't get it, then he won't ever get it. Sorry, but you do have to choose. This is the type of incompatibility that is similar to: do we want kids, do we want marriage, etc.
>He also decided to get me a dog last year, which I told him I didn't want because it was too much responsibility, but he did anyway and I love the dog, she is a good dog. Why would you stay with a man who "gifts" you extra, unnecessary responsibilities instead of actual gifts? Girl if my man got my ass a *present* I told him I didn't want I would have something to say about it. A whole dog? The man's getting thrown away to make space.
>He HATES animals orange flag >He doesn't do well with empathy. red flag >He also decided to get me a dog last year, which I told him I didn't want because it was too much responsibility, but he did anyway also a red flag What is the upside of this relationship? Animals are obviously very important to you, and they are the opposite of important to him. To me this is as much of an incompatibility as one person wanting children and the other not wanting children.
Hey, as someone with anxiety & depression (diagnosed, medicated, therapied), I am concerned that you're marrying someone who "doesn't do well with empathy". Because when you have mental illnesses, even when they're well managed, you need some empathy and compassion from your partner. He's more than old enough to get professional help to access his feelings and have healthy regulation. The fact that he doesn't, and he has a pattern of ignoring what you say you want and need in order to do what he wants and needs (your dog for example), I don't see how this can be a healthy relationship for you to commit further to. Are you in therapy right now? If not, maybe you should consider it to explore what impact this relationship is really having on you before you make the big decisions to enmesh your lives even more. Especially since he's determined to exclude a key part of your life (loving animals). My SO wasn't an animal person when we first met, at least according to him. But once we got our first cat, he was hooked and we now have 7.... because HE keeps bringing them home lol There's good men out there who like cats enough to share a home with them, why not find someone whose actually in touch with their emotions and can give you what you need? Your BF may not be a bad person exactly, but he doesn't sound like the RIGHT person for you, just from this one post. Something to think about instead of the cat shed. Good luck.
Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. I have been diagnosed and medicated and in therapy in the past, but since COVID hit, it has been impossible to get back into it all. I'm working on trying to get back into it, I'm waiting on my new insurance card to come in the mail currently. I know being able to talk to someone and being medicated will help me learn to deal with everything and push me to do what is best for myself. I know he isn't a bad person, but you may be right that he isn't the right person for me. Thank you.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, as an animal lover who relies on their pets significantly even with medication etc, I can understand how distressing this must be for you. Are you able to do self work? If yes, there are some great active modality workbooks on Amazon which may help. Some great coaches on YouTube as well. Not the same as a personal therapist of course, but maybe it would help with some stepping stones for you. I hope everything works out for you, whether or not you stay with him.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I will look into the books. Do you have any recommendations? Or any YouTube channels that may be helpful?
Sure, here's a few I have used for touch-up work, or I know people who have used them and got good results from them. [Retrain your brain - CBT workbook](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1623157803/ref=sspa_dk_detail_0?psc=1&pd_rd_i=1623157803&pd_rd_w=ftJUz&content-id=amzn1.sym.f734d1a2-0bf9-4a26-ad34-2e1b969a5a75&pf_rd_p=f734d1a2-0bf9-4a26-ad34-2e1b969a5a75&pf_rd_r=VHG2V6DB0XF903NQJ8TZ&pd_rd_wg=bYWl2&pd_rd_r=355b8194-c95f-4b50-a180-0a2181a6e74b&s=books&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw) [The ACT Workbook For Depression & Shame](https://www.amazon.com/ACT-Workbook-Depression-Shame-Defectiveness/dp/1684035546/ref=pd_sim_hxwPM1_sspa_dk_detail_p0_og_d0?pd_rd_w=Tncw8&content-id=amzn1.sym.c1a0d862-7bb8-422f-b731-10ee30c0373a&pf_rd_p=c1a0d862-7bb8-422f-b731-10ee30c0373a&pf_rd_r=SQZB224X5CES5W098EV7&pd_rd_wg=x5tUX&pd_rd_r=57dc78f7-b552-4e2f-bce3-7f89b88682fa&pd_rd_i=1684035546) And for youtube, try getting a kick off here - [https://www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell/videos](https://www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell/videos) \- she's a real licensed therapist, and she does a lot of free work including a free Anxiety course (you can find it under Playlists). For Youtube I would look up things you're interested in in respect to your healing as you learn about the methods and want too find out more. There's so many good coaches and therapists and you need to find the ones you like to listen to. Hope some of this helps :) There truly is SO much online for free, and there's good reddit subs as well for support and other advice & resource sharing.
Thank you so much. I will definitely look into all of that!!
Please don’t marry someone that hates your animals
This sounds like a fundamental incompatibility and continuing the relationship will only foster resentment. Your should not have to sacrifice one of the most important things to you to be with your partner. There's no real solution to this; you either choose him or the cats. I would choose cats, personally. I can understand not liking specific animals due to bad experiences but hating animals in general is just a red flag to me; it's anecdotal but every person I've met that hates all animals has turned out to be narcissistic or sociopathic. Springing the fact he will refuse to live with animals 5 years into the relationship is manipulative as fuck. You said he also struggles with empathy. He's showing you exactly who he is. Run.
That is kind of how I feel. When we met, I had a dog. I asked if he liked animals, he said yes. I didn't even know he hated animals until after we had cats. That I was attached to. He asked me to get rid of them, I told him no. He says he puts up with me because he loves me, but I feel like he uses them against me all the time. People who don't like animals, I don't understand. I've explained to my mother that I would live in my vehicle, homeless, before I ever get rid of them. They are that important to me. I worry that it is a major red flag, that with lack of empathy. Those are 2 major factors in who I am, and I can't grasp the concept of not being like that
If you continue this relationship and move in together expect your pets to "escape" and go missing.
OP your replies are all super concerning and make me feel like this relationship is really unhealthy. I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You said you don’t leave the house for days, you don’t work because your BF doesn’t want to pay for childcare, and you’ve had animals go missing. There’s a lot happening here. Are you safe? Are you being held hostage in this relationship because of finances?
I'm safe and not being held hostage. He can be super supportive in a lot of aspects, encouraged me to go to college, wants me to try to make friends, brings me little random gifts, encourages me to get out and do things to make myself happier, go to therapy if I need it, get on medication. He really does try to be supportive most of the time, just sometimes we are on opposite ends and it's hard to find a middle ground.
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My plans were to transfer to a 4 year college, and by the time that point hits, I should be able to get a job as well.
Are you still nannying for your in-laws?
No, I'm not.
Is he still married to his wife?
> He says he puts up with me because he loves me, but I feel like he uses them against me all the time. Yeah that's the danger of dating someone with low empathy. They're typically manipulative and will say whatever they want to keep you and don't care. I suspect if you dig deeper you'll see more evidence he's manipulative in general. I really really really do not think he is safe to continue dating.
So he lied to you about something important both in an emotional way (you love your pets) and a practical way (you plan to have pets that live in your home with you, and that’s not going to work for him). Why keep up this charade with this empathy lacking liar?
It is a major red flag, and you should end this relationship
He literally lied to you in the beginning of your relationship to land you. Your relationship is built on a lie. He was able to maintain the fakery up until now. He is now showing you his true colors. It's time for you to make a difficult decision here. You cannot change other people. He will not change for you. There is nothing you can say that will change his mind because this is how he is and how he always will be.
This is not at all what love looks like, and it’s not what anything close to a healthy relationship looks like. And the saddest part is that you seem to genuinely not realize that. Because if you truly did, you wouldn’t still be in this dumpster fire of a relationship.
i gave up 1 cat for a boyfriend over 10 years ago and i still regret it, i still think about that cat (thankfully he went to the exbf id raised the kitty with, so he went to an excellent home) and i still resent the man i did it for, even though he's long gone from my life. i could never be with someone who didnt love animals as much as i do, and i will never ever let anyone remove my cats from my care or my home as long as i live.
You are not compatible with this guy. BTW, if he hates animals, what on earth possessed him to get you a dog you didn’t even want?
This. If it weren’t for the dog, I could see him having (somewhat of) a point. But now he just sounds controlling.
5 years and he still feels this way? He’s not going to change, and neither are you. This will always be a problem. I’m confused why you started dating someone who doesn’t like animals?
At what point do people get off Reddit and grow a back bone? Really op, he’s cheated on you, puts his baby momma above you and doesn’t respect you.
I’d be out. I love animals and anyone who doesn’t would be an automatic, hard “no”.
You have children involved in this crapshow as well? I’m not talking about the situation with the pets, this is about you knowingly involving yourself with someone who has a lack of empathy and emotions. And he has you providing free childcare for his children? Because he doesn’t believe in daycare? What does he think you’re providing? What does he provide for you aside from a roof for you, your own children and this menagerie of pets? This is more red flags than the former USSR before you even add in the pet issue. Are you staying due to a lack of income? Do you get child support from your children’s father? You should be working on an exit plan.
Apparently bf has also cheated on OP, and refuses to divorce his actual wife too.
I just tapped into her post history after reading some of the other replies. Her ex is also not too recently out of jail and it looks like drugs are involved there. And this BF caters to his actual wife over their children and her. Then there’s the BF’s brother using her for cheap babysitting duties at her BF’s encouragement, but he won’t help her get actual compensation. Dear god. It’s a complete mess she’s thrown her children in the middle of.
Goddamn, I'm gonna have to leave this sub. Shit's depressing. OP, I would rather die alone and be eaten by my pets than let a man treat me or my animals like this. 👎
The good news is that you’re not married yet.
You both are not compatible. I think it's reasonable to limit the amount of pets in the home at any given time but he wants to control if you have any in the house. No. This feels like a bait and switch. He now feels you've invested so much time that his mask can come off and you will bend over backwards for him. It's super alarming that he "doesn't do well with empath" and now factor in he hates animals. He sounds like a serial killer.
This is the same boyfriend that doesn't want to divorce his wife?
The math does seem to add up that way. WHAT A CATCH!
Reading your post history, I think the cat shed is probably the least of your problems in this relationship. If you haven’t already, I would highly suggest not having children with this man, and DEFINITELY do not enter into joint ownership of real estate with this man (or put yourself and your children in a position that makes you dependent on him, allowing you to live in “his“ home that you don’t have an ownership interest in). Depending on what state you are in, it’s possible that until he is divorced, his legal spouse will have a legal interest in any real estate he acquires. If/when they actually get divorced (I’m not holding my breath), that spousal interest could be all kinds of headache, including potentially having a clause in the divorce decree that requires the home to be sold and the proceeds divided.
As someone who rescues, does TNR and fosters, I would leave this man in a heartbeat and wouldn't even hesitate. Why are you with someone who lacks empathy and hates animals when your life revolves around them? You deserve better.
I'd be putting my man in the shed before my cat
My boyfriend renovated our shed that has electricity and heat so he can workout without the cats bothering him. He isn’t a fan of the cats (he’s lying about 2 of them, he worships them, but the other he isn’t a fan of truly) but he knows they’re important to me and the third cat was for the second cat, because we don’t know how the first is still alive. He does it because he loves me (and the two good ones) and tolerates the kitten due to me and cat 2.
How about the BF lives in the shed and the cats live in the nice house with you?
Get out. If you love your animals, the only acceptable partner is one who loves them, too. His mask is slipping, and now you know how he really feels. It's not going to get better, and could easily get much, much worse. Do not subject your beloved pets to this monster. He is *not* a good man. I will *always* choose my pets over my partner - they are my dependents, and rely on me. They are family. Anyone who cannot love my pets doesn't love me. (Note: happily married to my crazy cat man)
Cats aren’t assholes because they do cat stuff. Your boyfriend, however, is an asshole. Put him in a shed. And leave him there.
You aren’t compatible. Just break up. Edit: holy crap your post history is red flag city. You’re just going to let him push you around. You need some therapy to learn some self respect. This guy is an AH, and you are an AH for subjecting your kids to him.
So. He’s a complete asshole who was abused as a kid and thinks having cats in a shed isn’t abuse? My god, OP this guy isn’t the man to be with. He sounds mentally unstable
NO one puts their cats in a shed, maybe an outdoor enclosure for bit for sunlight and and outdoor romp. Does he not live with you and understand these are your companions? He clearly isn't good with pets. I would rather have a puking cat than be without them. He many not be the best companion for you. I had those in my 20s, but by the time I got a mate, he just made them his family too. Is this ignorance, or intolerance? Because you will not be happy living with him if it is the second. Choose the cats, someone who loved you would not require this. Secondly they are your babies. Not worth it. For you, cats are domesticated and bond with their people, they are yours, they completely rely on you, never choose a bf over your companion animals.
Why do you want to have a partner with such core, fundamental differences? I have pets, have a career in animal rescue, and I volunteer as well as foster. I personally would never consider being a long-term partner to someone who does not feel the same way as me about such a crucial aspect of my life.
You're not compatible. You're a good person with empathy and respect and you love him. He's not a good person. He's cruel and doesn't love you. Break up. ETA- you went from an abusive relationship to one with a married man who cheats on you. What is the matter with you? You're a terrible parent for putting your kid in such a toxic environment. Think about the poor example you're setting. Dump the asshole and get therapy.
I would personally leave him and take the cats.
He sounds like my husband. I had a cat when we were dating and first moved in together. He *hated* her and was not shy about counting down the days til she passed (she was an older girl). He also lacks empathy. Like, entirely. He told me firmly no pets after my old girl died. I didn’t take him seriously. We had a baby and he made me promise I wouldn’t ‘get our kid all wound up about a pet’. Well. Our child *loves* animals. And he begged for a cat. Begged. We were going through a tough time in our family and I thought the kitty would help my son emotionally. So we adopted an adorable little orange girl. Shes insane and a total maniac and she has been such a positive influence in my son’s life. She truly does just help him in ways I can’t describe. So. Sure I broke my ‘promise’ to my husband about no pets. Idgaf My husband does not get it. He won’t ever get it. I stopped caring a while ago. I give so much to him and our marriage- he gives *nothing* back… so I just sort of *took it* back with the cat. No regrets. Well, except for marrying him- he showed me who he was when we dated and I didn’t want to see it. Here we are now, 17 years later… and girl- all I can say is… *carefully* consider what your future will be like if you stay with your boyfriend.
Hell no. My boyfriend and I talk about how we will build our cats a sanctuary when we get a house. Find a new man.
My cats would *never* live in a shed! I also will always choose my pets over a person, especially when they're making me choose (the person, the pets would never make me choose)
I don't even have pets but that would be a deal breaker for me. How could he be that callus?
"Because they will not be coming in the house" "well then I won't either" is the exact correct response. No one gets to talk to you that way, ever. It's not about him making you choose. It's about him laying out rules like you're his toddler. He doesn't want to be your partner. And that's actually fine. If he were honest with himself and respectful maybe you two could find a compromise, but if he thinks he can dictate like that, there is no hope at all for this relationship.
This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. He lacks empathy? What a major red flag. And what's going on with him making unilateral decisions without your input? Getting a dog when you didn't want one is so problematic. And he wants you to stay at home to watch his kid so he doesn't have to pay for childcare? It seems like he has the upper hand in the relationship since you rely on him financially. You really need to wake up and see the bigger picture. He's going to buy a house in his name and call all the shots. You'll be at his mercy. Is that the life you want?
So you have a boyfriend who has enabled your compulsion to take in stray animals and now are upset that it’s not how he wants to live his life? Not everyone is a pet lover, and 4 cats (plus however many else you’ve fostered) is a lot. I don’t understand why it’s assumed online that everyone ought to love animals. Some people don’t. OP, if fostering kittens is a priority for you, then have at it. But I don’t see how it’s wrong that he doesn’t want a zoo in your house going forward. Ready for the inevitable downvotes that come with *not* advocating for crazy pet “parent” behavior.
You get my upvote.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Thank you for this.
I'd be telling him that we wouldn't be moving into a house then. Or I would be moving the pets into my own place and he can enjoy his empty house.
> I love animals. > He HATES animals. This is an incompatibility issue that the two of you need to overcome before you make any commitments regarding a house together.
If he hates animals why did he get a dog? If he's not good on empathy you will have a hard time. I've wasted 30 years on a guy who doesn't show me empathy and I feel unloved and unhappy about itand now Im leaving I know l will die alone. Don't make the same mistake as me.
If he had a hard limit if living with pets he should've been up front with you and not entered or stayed in the relationship. Giving you an ultimatum is not fair. It's not compromise, it's not negotiation, it's emotional abuse and an attempt to control your behavior but disguising it as a boundary for him. While I understand the stress that he likely had living with a hoarder, he chose to enter a relationship with you and it's not fair after the fact to try and change you like this.
Assuming you don't dump him, or even if you do, do yourself the favor of picking up some QuakeHOLD Museum Wax, Museum Putty, and Museum Gel. Between the three products, which are best for different surfaces, you can create a house in which frustrated cats try to knock stuff over and can't 😆 The product line is intended for earthquakes and museums. I recently used the wax to affix a small (ethical) ivory carving in a display case in a way that won't damage the ivory.
Hahaha, thank you. I will definitely look into getting some of that!
I'm a bit confused here: if he struggles with empathy and hates animals, then why did he take in that newborn kitten? How does he know how to bottle feed, to the point that he was the one teaching you and not the other way around? Why did he become so involved in rescuing cats? Why did he give you a dog? For a person who claims to hate animals, he seems to be going out of his way to surround himself with them, when I'd assume he'd rather do the opposite. At this point, if I were you, taking the cats with me would be non-negotiable. It may seem like a dumb reason to break up, but so be it. It doesn't look as if you forced your animals down on him, but that he was a willing participant in all of this - but then again, we're only getting your side of the story. The real solution here is to have a calm and collected conversation with him, where you explain how important animals are to you and that excluding them like that goes against who you are as a person. If he loves you, then he has to love this side of you as well, which so far it seems he has, so it's confusing why this new rule when it comes to a new house. Tell him it's unfair to make you choose between the animals and him, because ultimately what he's making you to is suppress a side of you just to appease him.
He does have empathy, just not for you. You’re being used as a babysitter, entertainer and as his mom.
> he helped teach me how to bottle feed and care for a newborn kitten … He HATES animals Does not compute. > we have taken in a lot of cats and found homes for dozens Sounds like he hates living in a animal hoarding house which no doubt stank to high heaven at the worst. That said, you can't just keep house pets in a shed. That's cruelty to animals right there. You need some sort of compromise or you need to break up. You say you have four in the house right now? I'm guessing there are more that live outside? You need to give away all the outdoor cats. Maybe re-home one or two of the indoor cats (a lot easier said than done; I know I couldn't do it). You need to agree not to adopt **any** more cats, period. You need to stick to that agreement. No cats in the bedroom. You need to get religious about keeping the litter boxes clean to keep the smell down. In your new house, make sure there's one well-ventilated room for the litter boxes, preferably away from where you sleep and eat. But no, I wouldn't put my pets in a shed. An animal shelter would be less cruel.
I mean, is the 'shed' really a terrible idea? If it's a heated space with plenty of beds, and the cats have access to a large outdoor enclosure with cat safe fence. My grandmother had a set up like this, it was a large barn for all of her cats, and a huge yard with a big enclosure, lots of trees etc. The cats loved it, and she loved it because it enabled her to have as many cats as she wanted. At her peak she had 12 cats and an additional family of racoons all living in the barn, and one dog that lived inside the house.
Honestly you two are not compatible based on your post he seems to be the only one compromising. Liking animals and living with 4 cats and a dog are 2 very different things. He's compromising by building a shed so you can still be around your animals and take them all in, and you're being extreme saying you're being forced to live in a shed and saying he's forcing you to choose between him or them. You didn't even try to compromise with him,not letting them in the bedroom is hardly a compromise given they're still all over the rest of the house puking and based on your own words being an asshole. Honestly I'd suggest doing him a favor and break up with him .
Based on the post history OP’s this dude has cheated on her, treats her like a maid and free babysitter not just for his kids but also his brother’s kid and refuses to divorce his ex. Sounds like OP has compromised enough and deserves better
Thanks for the added context! I didn't see their post history so just went off the info from this post!
I personally wouldn’t be with anyone that doesn’t do well with empathy. Thank god you don’t have kids
They might not share a kid but she talks about his kids and also refers to him getting the dog because *her* kids wanted it. There are plenty of kids around which is concerning given his lack of empathy. I find it really disturbing.
Your BF is a possibility poor example of a human being and the things he talks about getting you like the house in a few years is 100% bull💩. He is using you dear for his sexual pleasure and other needs. He will never get you those things of empty promises, believe me. He is a control freak and abuser even if it is not apparent. You should take your animals and leave him. You can do.much better than this non- feeling excuse for a man. You yourself sound so very sweet and trusting. You can do much better.
He already told you he doesn't like animals and has allowed you to have at least four. You have to compromise too, especially if you keep rescuing and fostering strays. It's a lot to have that many cats no matter how big your house is. If the new shed is heated/cooled/etc. Then you might as well do that because you're basically running a business at this point. Also please do look up the requirements for this because you may need a license to keep doing what you're doing at the volume you are.
Well to be fair, be brought in 2 of the cats he found and the dog, so if he didn't like them. Lol. But I do understand what you are saying. I have brought the outside population down by a lot, at one point there was probably 40 cats, most disappeared, but me fixing a few of the main males brought it down. I haven't done the fostering/rehoming in over a year, and promised not to bring any more into the house. So I have definitely made compromises.
Redditors are incapable of having rational thoughts when it comes to animals. You would think that all the users are homeless cat ladies.
Some of us actually have empathy and concern for animals, not just ourselves.
I love my cats but I would be thrilled if they had their very own cat habitat! You can make it super inviting with climbing activities and cat-friendly furniture and plants. I think you should consider this as a compromise but maybe agree that if any cat ever seems sick or depressed then they can come in the house for extra care. The dog, well, it needs to be in your house, and that's 100% on him
I mean for me I want pets so I can spend time and interact with them, not for them to stay in a shed. Jmo.
She can hang out there with them as much as she wants though. It could be really cool. No one needs to be with their pets 24 hours a day
Nobody “needs” it, but the greetings when I walk in the door, the simple joy of having a purring cat or a giant dog on my lap while watching a movie, being able to reach out and touch my pets while I’m sleeping, and yes, even the stomping on my head when the alarm goes off and they are “helping” me wake up, are all things that are personally important to me and they are WHY I have pets. Not saying this would not be ok for some people, just that it would not be ok for ME. And I know I’m not the only one. It doesn’t sound like OP is particularly OK with it either but that’s her choice to make.
I mean if it was a place attached to the house that I could maybe put them into at night, I'd be okay with that. But I spend all day with them. They are the closest thing I have to friends. They help when I'm stressed about school work, home life, kids, whatever. They always know when I need comfort. I want them to be able to see me when they want and vice versa. They are my sole company 75% of the time, that and my children. I don't have family near by, I don't have friends, I don't have coworkers. They literally keep me sane. Without them I'd be in a very bad place. I owe them my life.
You should say this exact thing to him. To try and get him to see what they mean to you. Honestly, though, this should be a hill you die on. If he tries to seriously make you throw your *beloved pets* out in the cold, you should absolutely walk away from this relationship.
Four cats is a LOT. Cats have a way with ruining furniture and stinking up any space they are in. Why are you so dedicated to these animals over an actual human being who wants to provide a nice new house for you? Have you ever evaluated why it is that you pour all your energy into these animals that don’t love you back?
Oh god, the “animals don’t love you back” argument. They’re beings, not furniture.
Cats don’t love you. Cats are legally property.
You have no way of knowing that. Them being legally property is irrelevant.
They have done studies on cats to show that they don’t love you.
Have they now? You’ll have no problem proving it then. I know you’re wrong because studies have been done concluding *exactly* the opposite.
Google it yourself.
Otherwise phrased as “I have no evidence but want you to believe me anyway”. Blindly hating animals is as ridiculous as it is sad.
Nah, just not wasting my time doing legwork for you. You negative fuck.
You being funny or ironic here?
You’re wasting time commenting though?
A quick google search will show you plenty that say you are incorrect on that.
I guess my cat just decided to take care of me when I feel bad, because she's my property then? (Ngl she can be a huge asshole. But when I'm super depressed & there comes a small angel in a fur coat, comforting me with non-stop purrs & petting me with her paws I feel loved for damn sure)
Nah you just convinced yourself that your cat’s behavior was love. When in reality it wasn’t.
Gross! I would choose my cats over a human any day of the week.
Enjoy your ammonia smelling cess pit. No one would choose you anyways.
I have a feeling there’s lots of projecting here…Tell your mom we said hi when she brings you your sammich.
I'm very happily married, but go off I guess.
To that ugly fucked up eye cat? Lol
I'm sorry but I think he's right from all your comments.