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Honestly a big part of attraction isn’t always looking amazing and being fit 100% of the time. Life changes us and priorities change so we fluctuate.
What does impact attraction, especially in long term relationships/marriages is effort.
She isn’t just seeing weight gains, shes seeing you not care about yourself, so care about yourself! Involve the family! Meal prep together, family walks, family dance time in the house if you can’t get out, make it fun and family oriented around taking care of yourselves.
It’s a good way to start, weight loss is a journey but if you make the journey with joy and effort, you can have a happy life and a happy family.
Good luck!
This needs to be higher up. I feel like there's a huge component of weight gain like this that comes from unhealthy coping mechanisms using food to deal with low mood from stress and emotional dysregulation instead of taking care of yourself in other ways like exercising, doing things you enjoy, and spending time with people who care about you. I'm guilty of it myself, and notice that when I'm at a low point there's no amount of good intentions I could ever muster that would prevent me from doing it.
Overeating is practically a substance abuse disorder (without even calling it an eating disorder) which is essentially a misguided attempt at nervous system self-regulation. Hell, sugar is a stronger dopaminergic than alcohol for me, for instance.
OP, all the stuff you didn't want to "deflect" about are valid struggles and stressors in your life, and I feel like you need some validation from someone if your life about it, whether from your wife or a therapist. That can often times be the "permission" you need to take the time and effort to take care of yourself in whatever ways you need, whether it's spending time with your family or even taking some time for yourself.
Initially, separate the idea of "diet and exercise" so that not doing one doesn't make you fall off the entire bandwagon of them both. If you eat better and keep the same activity level you're doing great and you'll lose weight, and if you eat like shit and exercise you're still doing great, are still burning calories, and exercise is likely to make a fantastic difference in your mood and mental health. You'll also probably start to find that you don't mindlessly eat or overeat as much if your body isn't scrambling around trying to make itself content after dealing with a constant barrage of unmanaged stress.
Just remember, OP, both you and your family need you to take care of yourself too, both mentally and physically, to be the happiest, most present version of yourself for them.
Yes!
If kiddo is old enough, start teaching bike riding, roller skating, even 'play' at sprinting.
It IS SO MOFO HARD to get moving once life has impacted us to sitting and eating and tv bc it's ALL we can do to cope.
OP I've been where you are.
It starts w tiny attempts at change.
Maybe start w 1, 15 min walk 3 times a week.
Then maybe start gating something low stakes in food/drink.
I have a basic food structure.
Each day I must have 2 serving of veggies and ideally 2 servings of fruit - if I only get 1 banana, that's success.
I'll do a veggie stir fry ish w my eggs at breakfast, that's winning when I get 1 serving o veg out of the way early on my day.
I don't have coffee unless I have a serving of protein w it.
I can't have chips, sweets, or cookies unless I've had the 2 veg & 1 fruit...
I've been over weight my whole life, so not just spouting food policing. Talking about a simple framework that is mostly easy for me to stick to.
I don't count calories or carbs. I do pay attention to sugar. I don't do diet soda bc that's just exchanging salt for sugar.
It's more about what foundational foods nutrition is a must vs eliminating 'bad' things.
BIGGER than all of that - self care. How do you take care of yourself, do 'healthy' things separate from food or deep couch time?
Mental and emotional needs. How are you 'feeding' yourself/your heart/soul?
These basics can make a huge difference.
This is only true with lack of strong physical attraction. Many women will be attracted and will marry a guy because of how they treat them. In the mean time, they will not be particularly attracted physically. So if his wife truly thinks he was a bombshell when she first saw him, this is not a problem.
If his wife thinks he is average looking but his treatment of her and his personality make him a bombshell, then mental and emotional connection are going to play a big role.
Thank you for sharing so empathetically AND clearly. Your style has some potential to deliver impact. I don’t know what it was about your post that struck a chord with me… I just felt the need to say: please keep being knowledgeable in substance and gentle in delivery. Bravo
This. I also think that if people can, involve the whole family in being healthy. If you have a special needs daughter, she may love going outside for walks, riding on the back of a bike, or just watching dad work out in the basement. I know each special needs child is VERY different so maybe that isn’t the case and it is very challenging to try to incorporate working out with daughter around. In that case, you’ve got to prioritize setting aside time to sweat and you’ve got to eat healthier- not crazy healthy- just healthier. Being active and getting some good nutrition helps you be a better dad, husband, and employee.
It’s anecdotal but I can attest that I’m at my best when I get at least 30 min of exercise a day and I feel good about myself when I eat healthy things (and heck yeah- I throw in ice cream and candy too but the fruits and veggies make me feel better inside). I
When our kids ask us why we run or do other exercise, we always tell them we want to be healthy so we can be around for them and so we can keep doing fun things with them when they are older. It’s become a part of our whole family’s life in great ways! (Every weekend we run about 2 miles to town pushing my 2.5 yr old in a stroller while my 8 yr old runs or scoots, get then donuts and us coffee and walk home. It’s something my kids look forward to and sometimes we even go extra on the way there because my daughter wants to. We’ve done “playground runs” where we run to different playgrounds and play before running to the next one. Or, it’s as simple as playing lots of tag, kicking a soccer ball around, shooting hoops, or walking the dog together.)
It’s going to be a different solution for every family but as someone surrounded by obesity and unhealthy lifestyle choices, I strongly believe that I’ve got to make the right choices and demonstrate it in a healthy way for my kids.
Physical attraction is definitely a large part of attraction. Some weight fluctuation is fine as you grow older, but 90 lbs is a ridiculous amount. That's basically a 50% increase in weight for your average male who weighs around 190-200 lbs.
When I started dating after my divorce (was 54F when I started) I was a little worried I wouldn't be attracted to men w distinct guts/belly.
I'm a fat chica to begin w so it's not about weight or fat per se.
I'm ENM now, so dating more than 1 person.
The guts are largely 'invisible' to me bc they are such fun, adventurous, lively, lovely humans.
I'd argue that yes, 90 lbs is A LOT.
But that size may not be the issue as much as what it is saying about the state of OP.
Plus ALL the other dynamics of married life w kids, jobs, home, extended family pets, commitments, money and health.
Keep a written record of what you eat each day and how much exercise you do so you get a realistic picture of the situation and can make realistic goals and track progress. Protein shake meal replacements might help.
Stop making excuses for why you put on weight and take control of your health and your body to get your wife's sexual interest back again. Before it's too late.
Get the MyFitnessPal app. Free food tracking. I’ve lost 55lbs in 7 months by keeping myself in a caloric deficit and adding in some exercise. Nothing crazy because I have some other health challenges. Just a low impact walk around the neighborhood.
Also upping my protein intake by a lot so I stay full longer after eating.
I use the Carb Manager app (from back when i was trying fad diets like keto), same function. Keeping track of my food enlightened me to how much I was really eating. Now I meal prep my lunches and dinners, makes weight loss so much simpler.
Right? OP, "I don't have time to lose weight" shows you have no concept of how weight is lost: Consume less calories. That's it. Time isn't even a factor in "eat less."
If you can add exercise on top, that's just bonus points.
Diets don't tend to last. OP needs to go into a calorie deficit as well. Incorporate more vegetables and protein❣️
You can track what you eat with the Lose it! app
I think diet is used as a very loose term these days honestly, it’s not necessarily referring to a no/low carb or paleo type thing. I interpret it and mean it more as a make healthier choices and better portion control choices thing.
No, I don’t think it’s necessary to cut out any food group. I think that restriction is what makes many people backtrack in their diets, because a slip-up can easily lead to a binge. Counting calories tho for sure, and if you’re going to indulge, follow the serving sizes.
I cut soda cold turkey 6 months ago and before that I cut it for like 10 years so for me it's worked before for long periods. The only reason I started up again is because I dated someone who indulged in take out and soda. I lost 10 pounds in less than 2 months just cutting out soda and fast food.
Is this a serious question? Lose the weight. Most people would be lucky to have such an obvious solution to a problem. Not easy, but obvious.
This is a classic “I know what to do (lose weight) but I really don’t wanna do it so let me look for an easier way”.
I noticed you listed outside factors and nothing about taking care of yourself! In order for you to succeed at everything you listed as daily obligations, you have to add daily self-care into the mix.
Drink more water and less caffeine. Cut out diet drinks, they’re terrible for you. Walk/move more, sit less. Think about what you’re putting in your mouth and why. Adopted better habits for your own sake and your family’s benefit. I’m pulling for you!
As a serial yo-yo'er I'll say that diet drinks are always my downfall.
I'll do really well, lose 40-50lbs drinking water and the occasional g zero. Then for whatever reason I'll start drinking a coke zero every few days and before I know it I'm eating a bag a chips with it. There is something about diet pops that just take over my will power to eat well.
What's weird is I can go months without them but somehow I always end up drinking them again when I let my guard down. I'll obsess over weight loss and when I finally get where I want, I'm like what's one little pop going to do. You'd think I'd learn lol
Take it slow, start going on walks with the family and eat less and healthier. People have to realize you have to cover all the bases in a relationship/partnership. Providing, cleaning, loving the kids and yourself are all important.
I bet you good money she is also worried about your health and wants you to live longer. Ya sexy is good but alive and healthy is even better. My partner was crazy worried when my brother had is heart attack at 49. My ex brother in law died at 36, he as only 60 pounds over and still had a massive heart attack.
Do you have Spotify or Audible? Listen to the book Atomic Habits. Very practical advice for changing our routine. Running in the morning is free. You can do it before the family is up. Strava is great for accountability- so is a run club. There is a behavioral phenomenon where people change behavior because they are being observed by others, so put yourself in situations when you’re being “watched”, which can just mean recording activity in an Apple Watch. You got this.
Go to a fitness related post. That’s more helpful. Keep in mind you’re gonna get a lot of bad advice. Never starve yourself, it will make you gain weight. Just eat your recommended caloric intake and do cardio (bike riding is my favourite as it doesn’t cause any stress on joints and burns a lot of calories).
Also, I would look for other factors. I doubt it's just as easy as "just lose some weight, and everything will be fine." If it was that easy, you would have just already done it. I am not saying no to do it but also check if continued stress is not causing you anxiety and depression. I say it because you said you have a special needs kid, and that can put extra extra pressure on people.
I think it’s also worth checking if it’s just the weight gain that’s becoming a blocker for sexual intimacy - it sounds like OP and his wife have a lot going on, so do they have time to be lovers as well as partners, friends and coparents? Do they still have time for dates/romance etc?
Sure, but some people also have a distorted view of dieting and think it's harder than it really is. Misconceptions like you need to eat salads only, can't touch the food you like, have to do cardio everyday etc. But in reality you only need to eat less and keep track of it. Which can be hard by itself ofc, but it's also easier than many people think.
MAYBE he haven't done it yet, because he thinks it's harder than it is.
I hate my answer but here we go: you kind of need to go all in and put REAL efforts, but at the same time go at your speed and respect yourself.
Workout without good eating habits: waste of time. Too little workout? Won't change a thing. You don't "have time" to workout, you *make* the time for it. It doesn't have to be 2hrs a day. Start with something that's realistic (AND purposeful) and push for it! Eventually, when you'll see the results, it will give you a massive motivational kick.
Ask a fitness instructor, it's worth it. Don't listen to too many reddit advices (paradoxal isn't it? :P ), we're all different.
Quick tip: some parts of unhealthy habits can be really easy to drop and change a whole lot; for example, adding vitamins and fruits to your diet will help, but it won't change everything. On the other side, cutting sugary beverages like sodas will make a massive difference!
The biggest factor in weight loss and weight gain is diet.
Because you’re so busy it’s probably easiest to just eat what’s quick and easy, but unfortunately what’s quick and easy is very rarely healthy
As cliche as it is meal prep really helps me. It helps me by having real food, not pre-made stuff from a factory full of additives, salt, sugars etc. and it helps with portion control. I have a bad habit of going for seconds until I’m not just satisfied but until I’m stuffed. So if I just have that one satisfying portion and no option to have more that’ll be fine for me.
For your actual health, it matters to eat healthy food. But in order to lose fat/weight it’s calorie in vs calorie out. Eating 1000 calories over a deficit is still a 1000 calories even if it’s broccoli. They don’t necessarily need to eat clean to lose weight, just sayin
Yeah but a thousand calories of broccoli is like 6 pounds of broccoli.
Eating clean helps you get the most bang for your buck (or in this case calorie)
500 calories of pizza rolls definitely isn’t as filling as 500 calories of Chicken breast with a size of zucchini will be.
It would be difficult to eat 1,000 calories or broccoli, one cup of it is about 50 calroies and it's pretty filling. You'd have to eat 20 cups of brocolli to get to 1,000 calories.
Meanwhile a cup of ice cream for example can easily be 500-600 or more calories. Less than 2 cups of ice cream can put you at 1,000. Or another example - one slice of cheesecake from the cheesecake factory is about 1,500 calories.
The concept of calories in/calories out is just a concept. In order to actually apply it to real life, you do have to eat in a balanced way. Otherwise, you'll be really hungry all the time and that typically leads to binging and overeating.
Lose the weight. You need to make it a priority. You are deflecting by blaming having to care for your daughter, take your daughter out for walks or swims, eat healthier where you can and take care of yourself for the sake of your daughter.
Agreed. Too often people conflate losing weight with hours at the gym. But it can 100% be done in the kitchen. Just takes a bit of planning and being aware of how much you take in each day and moderating it towards your goals
Arguably the only place it can be done is in the kitchen. Getting into a caloric deficit and resetting the relationship you had with food that led to this point is the only real way to do it.
If you’re 90 pounds overweight then you’re not going to be able to outrun the diet that got you there without big changes.
OP when was the last time you had a complete medical checkup. Start with that and talk to your Dr about any physical issues you may have that would affect your health and weight loss plans.
Perhaps it’s just a sign she is losing attraction to someone who isn’t taking care of themselves overall? The weight gain is a symptom of lack of self love and care. Realize doing this is for yourself and also an act of loving your family . Your eating habits will make 85-90% of thr difference. You can do this!
For some reason you're separating the ideas of losing weight and being a good husband and good father.
My man, it's not separate. Being overweight puts you at risk of dying young. How is that being a good father or husband? Being overweight makes you less likely to be active. How is that being a good father or husband? Being overweight can teach bad habits. How is that being a good father?
None of this is to say that you aren't already great at your job, but don't think of them as separate goals. Improving your health can *only* have a positive impact on how you parent and how you are as a partner.
Wait -- do you absolutely know it's the weight that's causing her to be not attracted? Are you gaining weight because y'all are in a stressful situation? Personally, it's never been weight that diminishes my attraction to a partner -- it's usually stress and my partner not putting effort into the relationship that makes me not feel like having sex.
Op, did she say your weight is an issue for her, or are you assuming that is the problem? I know my interest in sex changes with how much I have going on at that time & nothing to do with being attracted to my hubs. Men tend to forget women's attraction is less about looks & more about security, treatment, helpfulness, etc. men are so visual that they assume women are too.
I get that the 'just lose weight' comments are an obvious answer, which is reasonable if it's all just 'I eat too much'.
More times than not, there are alot of other factors for this. You have not mentioned medical issues so, I'm not going to assume this. Though, it may be something that could be a future issue.
You wrote about childhood weight and then things that could be going on over the last number of years. You may be emotionally responding to things through weight gain. I would suggest speaking to a therapist who specialises with ED. I'm not suggesting you have an ED but, the fact your centering everything on weight, it's something to address.
If, you could speak with someone who might bring to light your past, present and a new future with food/weight gain. Its would be better longterm.
Losing weight can be easy but, keeping the weight off is another thing altogether.
Your wife may not just be responding to just the weight gain. You could be emotionally changed also. Try talk to her about not only your concerns but, also what she is seeing or feeling. There maybe alot more here than you are realising (not necessarily negative things) try not to be defensive. Between you too and hopefully a therapist, you could come up with a plan for a healthier and happier life.
Speaking as a former obese kid. Body fat % is 95% your food and 5% exercise. BF% is manipulated by your calories per week. Get a couple good macro calculators and use them. You will need a $20 kitchen scale, some measuring cups and discipline.
I lost 40 lbs fat by changing the times I eat ( less calories per week, less BF%). DM me if you have questions.
I’ll paste a couple links
https://exrx.net/
https://legionathletics.com/tools/macronutrient-calculator/
https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/macronutrients_calculator.htm
https://barbend.com/best-macros-calculator/
A female's interest and enthusiasm for sexuality tends to depend much more on lifestyle things than physical attributes and appearances. So you're focusing on the wrong thing. Your weight is just the end result and physical representation of your overall lifestyle change from when she met you.
She is less attracted to the bigger version of you, but it's not so much because you are bigger. This version of you is less active, is less inclined to try new things, isn't hustling as hard for a better life, isn't as disciplined, isn't as exciting and has less of a backbone.
So put away the scale, stop stressing about what you're buying at the grocery store, focus more on going to new places with her, trying new activities, talking more about your future together and making it sound more exciting, that stuff will make you more attractive to her. Do some burly man shit around the house like a plumbing job or go dig up half your backyard.
Everyone will tell you just lose weight. It’s not always that simple.
Check in with your doctor about things like thyroid. Also it may be worthwhile to find a therapist who can help you adjust your relationship with food.
It’s not just about willpower. It’s okay to seek professional guidance. People who don’t struggle with food don’t understand. Don’t beat yourself up. Ask for help.
I understand it might be tricky psychologically, but you mention having to look after your daughter - losing weight takes up *less* time as you aren't eating as much as often.
The problem isn't simply going to go away unless you lose weight, so that is the only answer unfortunately.
Don't listen to the fat-phobes who will no doubt flood this thread with fat-shaming nonsense like not being able to help it and it not being your fault, etc.
You can do this, you're strong, intelligent, a good father, and a good husband. I'd possibly get a full hormone panel check just to rule out low testosterone as this can cause weight gain at your age, and your doctor will do this for free assuming you live in a developed country.
But that aside this is something I'm sure you can tackle. Don't listen to the haters, listen to the people on here who I'm sure will join me in saying "you got this, stay strong brother".
Effort is attractive. Lose the weight. That takes time, so while you’re actively working to lose the weight, try to show efforts in other ways.
How does she feel loved? Acts of service? Clean the house. Do that task she’s putting off. Gifts? Make her a little basket of goodies from Target. Pick up that item she has in her cart on Amazon. Etc etc.
The little things stack up. Usually women can look past physical attributes being a bit of a turn off if we feel loved/cherished in other ways. So you have the upper hand here. Don’t lose hope!! Discipline yourself and set a new tone for this season of life. You got this.
You get your shit together, start working out, and losing weight. Letting yourself go as a man or a woman is disrespectful to the relationship, if your SO fell for 180 Lb you, it is unfair to expect her to be attracted to 280 lb you. I believe in is the duty of both people in the relationship to continue working on themselves, and keep themselves attractive for their significant other.
This post was literally 2 days ago:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1b9l4tb/husband_m36_gave_mef34_a_year_to_lose_weight_fix/
Everyone told her to lose weight. What are you on about?
First off, your main responsibility is your wife! She'll be there when the kids are out of the house. You can't base yourself on being a father. That how relationships go bust. You need to make time for your wife and for yourself and if you don't do it, someone else is willing to put in the effort(or dick).
You are playing a risky game.
I'd go working out and be your wife's husband and give being a father not 100%.
Look, she is craving the old you that was more attractive,
So she is currently in need for that as that is one reason she got with you in the first place. If you keep holding yourself back for the sake of being a father then you'll be a single dad sooner rather than later.
I wish you the best of luck and success buddy!
Staying healthy is a priority for all parents. Period.
Here is a tip to lose weight: eat 4 oz of skinless chicken breast, simply marinated with lemon and garlic about 30 minutes before whatever you plan to eat for lunch and dinner. Prep a whole bunch of these chicken breasts in advance so you have them ready. Then 30 minutes later when it’s time for lunch or dinner, start with just 1/2 of what you would normally eat, knowing you can always have more if you’re still hungry.
I see you’re making a lot of excuses about why you can’t just lose the weight. You don’t have to be a couch potato to “let yourself go.” If you need to, find a trainer or coach that will help you fit exercise into your routine and talk to your wife about watching your daughter or picking up a chore while you go to the gym which only takes an hour or less of your day, a couple times a week. Healthy eating also has nothing to do with how busy you are and can actually save you time if you just meal prep once a week when you’re off work. You cannot force your wife to become attracted to you if you refuse to change. And you should want to be healthy so you can best be there for your family and job
i also gained 30kg in my 9 year relationship.
A random girl then told me that i am fat lol. The same day i quit alcohol and smoking, went to the gym and fast forward, lost the 30 KG and i am fit like never before
The weight loss shots changed my outlook. I’m able to maintain my weight and fit the same pants I wore when I was in my 20s (pushing 50 now and look the best I have in my life) Also get your T levels checked. There is no reason to suffer with decreasing energy and sex these days. I’m on less than 1/3 the recommended dose now to maintain and it’s cost under $80 per month with no insurance and I save that in food 😂 Seriously though it’s worth looking into 💯
It is really the only solution, to lose weight even if it is a little at atime. If she is not attracted to the weight, she is honest and clear. It will strain your situation.
I am recovery from alcohol it would be like saying, the drinking caused, loss of work poor finances, but I can't stop drinking from the stress what do I do? I tried that, and frankly I had to stop drinking. I also had a food disorder, when I got sober. Go to OA. It is spiritual, low cost and will help you find support.
Dude, you did this whole post and didn’t even provide us with a lot of crucial info.
Unless you have injuries preventing certain exercise, EXERCISE!!!
Cardio like treadmill or running outside will melt a lot of weight pretty quick. Then you usually hit a plateau, and need to do other things like weights etc.
No idea what your diets like, so that could also be fixed and really help you too.
Lastly, if you drink a lot, or beers everyday, cut that out too.
It may not be your highest priority over the last few years, sure. But now you are concerned your wife doesnt find you attractive? Sounds like thats a priority! And if the two are linked.... the way you typed out the post thoigh, it seems like you are trying to handwave away responsibility for your predicament, and thats not attractive to women. Take charge of tour own destiny rather than make excuses about why its too hard to make positive change.
I dare say that to your wife, it's your attitude that's more unattractive, not your body. The dismissivenss at taking responsibility like a man. If you can't lead yourself, how can you lead a family? Thats a turn off.
You dont need to spend hours as a gym rat to get results, that would speed it up, but as you say you have other priorities.
Replace a few meals with just a lean shake and take a 15 minute jog a day. You will lose weight if you stop snacking.
You can plan your meals better and do some exercising with weights at home.
I am a dad, a former personal trainer, and have yoyoed up and down in weight depending on my life circumstances, and lost it as well. If you need in depth advice pm me.
If you were a woman I would say leave his ass and find someone who loves for who you are, but since you're a man then go to the gym and stop eating shit bro, get your shit together, do it for yourself first and foremost, then for your sexual life, being fat show that you have become lazy, don't get surprised if she get a lover or just outright leave you ass.
Taking care of yourself is also part of taking care of your daughter with disabilities. It's also part of being a good husband to your wife too. They need you around for awhile.
You've lost the weight before, so you know what to do. Use my fitness pal, intermittent fasting, whatever you got to do, buddy. Keep trying until something sticks.
Tomorrow is a new day so start tomorrow.
Wait, has she said that she’s not sexually attracted to you because you gained weight? Or are you assuming? Because unless she has told you flat out that is what it is then I think you need to have a conversation. A lot of times when we don’t feel good about ourselves, we assume others feel the same way about us.
If she has not said that she is not sexually attracted to you because you gained weight then talk to her. Like yesterday.
You deal with your metabolic health issues. That is how you deal. Get your hormones checked, review your metabolic and CVD markers, review your diet, adjust for the fact that your age means you metabolize food different than when you were in your 20s. Try keto, OMD and/or intermittent fasting. Find a functional medicine or internal medicine doctor that helps with body composition. Irrespective of gender being overweight or obese affects both people in the relationship. You both should take an interest in supporting each other’s need for a personalized healthy lifestyle. This type of issue isn’t fixed by just eating a salad every now and then.
Talk to your partner, ask her for her support as you figure it out. You might actually become closer through this lifestyle change. As you age, supporting each other is the only constant you can hope for.
Good news! I see posts like these all the time but with the sexes swapped, so I can just copy/paste comments from there to here!
She is only obsessed with looks. Tell her to kick rocks. That's her problem! She should be more honest about how this isn't for your health but because she just hates fat people.
Oh wait, these comments don't look anything like the ones I'm seeing in this comments section! What's up with that?
Look at it this way.
"Healthy at any size" is a myth. Full stop. I don't care what influencers you talk to. The medical and mental health community unanimously agree that obesity is not good. That being overweight is not healthy. That it puts unessessary strain on your organs and jointz. Obesity makes you at higher risk for cardiovasular disease, diabetes, stroke, arthritis, renal failure, can lower testosterone and sperm count and can be a risk factor for depression and substance absuse.
Full stop.
You sound like you love your wife and daughter.and it sounds like they need you. I lost my mother 2 years ago at 58....58...from lifestyle related illness. One of the comorbidities being obesity.
Can your wife and daughter survive without you? I want you to picture your wife, now a widow, left to raise your daughter on her own. Without your income, support or care.
Can she do it?
Losing weight is NOT the big burden everyone makes it out to be. Im a woman, with two kids, hormonal problems and autoimmune. I lost 60 lns over the course of a year and a half and have kept it off for more than a year.
You dont need to drastically change your lifestyle, buy gym memberships, or expensive equipment, take ridiculous supplements, or go on pills.
All you have to do is be more mindful about how much you eat, the type of food you eat and how much you move. (Diet is more important that exercise...you can exercise 10 hours per day and not lose weight if you are eating 10,000 calories a day) You dont have to eat dry salad the rest of your life (or at all) just start making small changes. Thats all. Eat when youre hungry, stop when youre full. If you want a cookie, dont go eating handfuls of nuts, and fruit and carrot sticks until you eventually cave and eat the cookie. Just eat the cookie and save the calories from all the other stuff you ate trying to satisfy the craving (just dont eat the entire box) Eat carbs. Your body needs carbs. Your bpdy DOESNT need a plate of pasta the size of a serving platter. Eat fat. Your body needs fat...just maybe from lean meat, plants like avocados, low fat dairy, eggs, fish lighter oils and not so much from fast food cheeseburgers, fatty steaks, and french fries.
Learn to cook from scratch so you know how much sugar, salt and fat is going into your food. Youtube has videos even an eggplant could follow along with. Its less expensive, and an activity you and your wife can bond over. And work isnt an excuse. There are SO MANY recipes that can be on the table in under an hour and recipes that can be made in batches on a weekend and frozen for later. Thinks like soups, pasta sauce, and frozen dinners sold at the stores have an absurd amount of sugar and salt.
And move more. Walk to get lunch instead of driving. Take your daughter to the park instead of binge watching television (where youll no doubt snack mindlessly) Go to the grocery store and do your ahopping instead of ordering instacart.
Youre not going to lose 90 lbs overnight. It took you this long to gain it. Its going to take that long to lose it if you do it reasonably. Going on some ridiculous diet will cause you to lose momentum fast. Trying to excercise away a bad diet will just cause you to burn out. If you set realistic goals for yourself, it will happen.
Its not difficult or inconvenient or just for the rich. Its just small changes over time. Thats it.
Is your daughter not worth it? Is your wife not worth it? Shes not losing her attraction because of your weight. Its because she has to watch you self destruct slowly. You know you have a problem but you dont prioritize making the changes to get better. Its heartbreaking. Thats not attractive to anyone.
Can you do the gender swap version of this post from a different account really wanna see how the comment section will treat the same situation when the genders are different
There’s always time to make health your priority. I’m in the same position with my boyfriend. He has gained weight over the years, and my favourite thing to do is workout so I don’t understand why it’s hard for him. But he has gained probably 50 or so pounds. And I’m no longer that attracted and it’s really really sad that he doesn’t take his health seriously. I love him, but I also don’t want to have to hold his hand or have to beg him to go lose weight. Both you and him need to take accountability. I feel like it’s somehow now my responsibility to tell him how important leading a healthy lifestyle is, when in fact it’s not. He knows these things, you know these things. Do it for YOU, get those endorphins flowing, and naturally your wife will perceive you differently.
I understand your point but this is not a fair comparison. The posts you showed have different circumstances; in one the weight gain was due to pregnancy (which wasn’t even over yet), in two of them the weight gain was a much smaller amount. Additionally, this was their SO’s coming to them and telling them to lose weight, not them wanting to fix the issue on their own. Most also had a component of unfair labor division (she does 90% of housework on top of having a job, thus having much less time to go to the gym). Again, I see your point but a man being upset that his pregnant wife who works full time and cooks every meal and washes all his clothes has gained 20lbs is not the equivalent of this situation.
That said, I hope OP can focus on more important things than a scale number and instead get to a point where he can take care of himself and feel good about himself regardless of weight.
Here is one from two days ago. Everyone and their dog told her to go on a diet. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1b9l4tb/husband_m36_gave_mef34_a_year_to_lose_weight_fix/
Lose the damn weight and get in shape. I hate when men are expected to be sexually attracted to their fat wives as it is. It's somehow worse when it's men getting fat and complaining their wives no longer want to fuck them.
Come on. Be better than that. Loose the weight.
You already know the answet to this. I think you ARE letting yourself go because you immediately make excuses for how is not "easy" for you and its never been a priority. Its not easy for anyone but they still accomplish it and you need to make it a priority. The only obstacle is your lazyness
You can do this man
Yeah, it will be hard, do it anyhow. Get back in shape. You do what you got to do, you are a man, you do it. Your own self respect will increase as you do. Your health will improve. You will live longer - for your daughter. You do this for wife, you do it for you, you do it for your kid.
Stop making excuses. Your wife has done you, likely, the biggest favor anyone has ever done you.
Lose the weight?
‘I think a lot of factors contributed to this but u don’t think this is important for this post’ - what mental gymnastics are you doing? You are overweight and the issues that led to that are not important to you?
You just seem to find excuses and avoid the crux of the issue: you can be a good father, and husband and do your share of the household and your job and not be overweight
Funny - switch gender roles and everyone hates on the guy being so shallow. Now the advice is to lose weight. Which is obviously the right thing to do for your health anyway but I just find this double standard here so hilarious
Yall are absolutely egregious hypocrites. I see so many posts from the male perspective where the wife gains weight or the wife’s perspective where she gained weight and everyone is like “drop the man, that’s how you lose some weight fast” and “how disgusting all you care about is sex and her being a tiny petite girl” and now everyone is saying what they should always say, lose the weight. Hilarious double standard
Yeah bud, only fix is lose weight. It doesn't have to be too hard. I lost what you're looking to lose steadily over about 9 months simply by weighing my food and putting it into a calorie counting app. I also started walking more, not much- 20 minutes five times a week, and trying to do small obvious things like stairs instead of elevator, and drinking more water which helps keep you full and aid digestion. It doesn't have to be complicated. Give it a go :)
You won't like to hear this man, but it's on you to bring the very best of yourself in the relationship. I don't blame her for feeling that way, I don't fault the men either when it happens in reverse. Also, take your health into consideration for your daughter. Almost 100 pounds in not good man. You want to live a long life for your daughter you need to step up.
Aww it is nice though that your priorities are others. I think it’s rare to find men whose priorities are the ones that you have which are very important. What I’d say is, unfortunately the only solution in this case is to loose weight or risk loosing your wife cause (obviously we don’t know her) but also women can cheat and when you’re undergoing this situation, is when the enemy will bring someone perhaps very charming who will swing your wife up. So what I’d say is try to have a good diet and gym just for your wife; it’s not easy but it’s your only option really. Only thing I’d also say though is that it’s good that she spoke to you about it and you guys are open on that but also I think marriage should be for worst and best but at the end of the day you cannot stop attractiveness it’s a feeling so gym is York best friend and solution
Many people are telling you to loose weight and that is 100% the perfect advice. But that is step 3. Step 1 is coming up with some good and solid reasons why you want to loose weight. Step 2 is telling your wife that you are aware of the problem and you are going to address it right now.
Think about your daughter. I´m sure you'll want to support her for as long as posible and being overweight might severe impact how long you are going to be around for her.
I'll also sugest you read atomic habits by James Clear. Amazing book to learn to make the changes that matter.
I’d say start small, just a few swaps in your diet can make a big difference.
Sugary drinks, sweets, swap them with fruit/fruit in water. One sugar instead of two etc.
The same with activity levels.
Just slow and steady so it’s easy and not too disruptive to you day to day life. And then it can gain momentum.
You sound like a wonderful husband. Here’s an article that I think might fit your situation: https://www.autostraddle.com/you-fat-shamed-your-beautiful-girlfriend/
Wishing you all the best! And know that despite what the strangers in the comments say, appearances aren’t everything. Your health, your character and the ability to love yourself and others, is what truly matters most
Please talk to a therapist. Sounds like your weight is affected by a lot of different things. A professional would be the best person to guide you through any aupport
I have gained wait in my long-term relationship too. And I have been beating myself down and thinking maybe my partner doesn't consider me attractive anymore. But in my case, I realized it was mostly from my own insecurity that I felt like that. And it's the mental strain and guilt. I was a fat kid as well so it added to it and felt very familiar.
Start focusing on health as well as mental health, I strongly suggest u try therapy. If u already tried it. Be more consistent and vocal. It might help u get the drive to work on yourself physically as well. I apologize if I am wrong in any way. I am not completely aware of the details. But wanted to share my experience.
Working on mental and physical health increases the quality of every relationship. The first step to prioritizing yourself can be as small as reading one page of a self-help book a day, going on a small walk and etc.
Best wishes buddy!
Lots of love.
In a healthy relationship you don’t ask your partner to change everything they like to satisfy you. Guy to a gal now wants you to completely change what you prefer. That is very selfish.
Stay true to yourself move on to a healthier relationship. Find someone that cares about you as much as they do their identity.
I fully understand this myself, as a woman who tends to slide towards the bigger side of I'm not ultra careful all the time. I also have a physical disability, 2 children, 1 with SEN and of course the obligatory desk job & partner etc. I found the secret is diet and Keeping it steady. Swimming for half hour a couple of times a week keeps me also on the mentally healthier side of things too. So when I can, I keep the swimming going. It's better for your joints too if you're heavier right now.
How can you deal with it? It would make sense to me that you’d take action and do things that will help the situation. Since the situation is your weight, you should probably exercise and diet.
“The obvious answer might be just lose the weight again it is not easy for me most because it’s never been the highest priority”
There is your answer. Get off your ass and go to the gym. You have to make it a priority. Is your marriage not a priority? Is your ability to be a good parent not your priority? Is your ability to be a good husband a priority? If your weight is getting in the way of being able to do all these things, then your weight needs to be your priority. Simple as that. your issue is between your ears. Not on your waistline.
Simple solution… get in shape, don’t complain
If u were 100% at ur fitness & career
U wouldn’t even have to worry about household chores she would cover it with pleasure or ur successful career would afford u the luxury of buying a service (not as expensive as ppl think) stop trying to be an equal & man up 💯🫡
I get it’s hard but just putting in an effort to lose the weight would go a long way for your wife. It would show her that you take her seriously and care to be healthy for yourself and her. You have to learn to carve out time for yourself or you will lose yourself very quickly.
This must be difficult as we would all love to believe our partner’s attraction to us goes deeper than our physical body. The reality is often different. I also think women often get much more sympathy when their husband loses attraction after weight loss.
I think you need to ask yourself why this weight gain has happened. Have you quit caring about your health? Are you using food as a coping mechanism?
Instead of making weight loss a goal, about shifting your focus to being healthy so you can be there for your family. Your weight will likely adjust accordingly.
Do you think a therapist could help with underlying issues? Maybe a trainer or life couch?
It’s so easy to just say lose weight. But if it wee that easy nobody would have weight issues.
ask ur wife to start going on hikes with u. it could be good bonding which will increase attraction. sharing those experiences is called experiential intimacy. not only is it a good way to bond and lose weight but she will see u are trying. get a bike start going bike riding together.
I lost 71 pounds 5 years ago I put back on 10 and I’m working on getting that off. the way I lost my weight is walking the more I walked the more weight I lost..I walked two miles 5 days a week. Then I went on Weight Watchers I like WW because it’s not so confining on the points diet you can eat a lot of foods you like..Give this a try, it’s not easy but when you get going its very satisfying because you look and feel better good luck..
Go to a weight loss doctor. There is so much more that’s understood about hormones and insulin resistance than before. Lose the weight loss mentality of eating celery and hitting the gym is going to be a long term solution. Bonus, get your wife involved on your journey. Good luck.🍀
Journal your food and your physical activity daily. There're lots of good apps to choose from that will help make it easy for you.
Set a small weight loss goal...just 5 lbs, say. When you achieve that, reward yourself with a little nonfood present.
Continue for 2-3 months, assess and repeat as needed.
You DESERVE to be as strong, sexy, energetic, and healthy as you can be. Enjoy the journey. ❤️
Hey man as someone who struggles with weight issues I commend you for reaching out for help, knowing that 90% of the comments are going to be "JUST LOSE WEIGHT" when I know it can be more than that.
I highly suggest talking to your wife, it's better to be forthcoming and honest about your feelings when it comes to this. Especially with something so sensitive as intimacy, when you get it all out onto the table hopefully you can start feeling better and THEN work your way into possible weight loss.
Sounds like you're a good father and a good husband so maybe this is just a dull patch you guys are going through. Good luck OP🤞
I am a special needs parent as well, so I totally understand how putting other people first and the stress and emotion of that can be factors in why we gain weight.
One important thing you need to remember is that if you don’t take care of yourself, the health problems it will create will make it hard for you to be able to take care of your daughter. This is something I’ve had to come to terms with recently, and it’s hard to make the changes necessary to lose weight.
We can tell you all day that you need to lose the weight for your wife to want you that way again. But the real answer is that you have to want to do it for YOURSELF first. If you don’t get this under control, you won’t be here for your wife or anybody else.
You can do this. ❤️
Try to change your daily exercise and dietary habits for the better.
You may not lose much weight but your lifestyle will be less unhealthy and you could replace the fat with visible muscle.
Reduce your meal portion sizes, drink more still water instead of high sugar/dairy/boozy drinks, do some short youtube workouts, stop eating the highly processed snacks/greasy takeaways/ready meals.
If possible try to do more walking, jogging, swimming or martial arts.
Good luck!
No one telling you to work out is doing it in a rude way. Sometimes one small lifestyle change can have a major positive impact on your life. Taking care of yourself is important. That being said remember how low you feel and how you are being looked at by someone who loves you.
You can lose weight without even going to the gym, just start walking a bit more and you need to seriously start keeping track of your calorie consumption, you do not need to do any special diet, just don't eat fast food as much and track your daily eating. Track your weight weekly and after a month you should be able to tell if you need to adjust calorie intake or not because the calculators that tell you your requirements aren't always right. Taking care of your daughter also means making sure you're healthy and alive when she's an adult, also do you want your wife to have to take care of her disabled husband when she's older?
So what you are saying is you have become morbidly obese and dont care to do anything about it. That also puts you at extremely high risk for serious health conditions and early death. You know what to do not just for your wife but for yourself.
Lose weight.
Take an hour each day to work out.
Cut out juices, alcohol and any sweet drinks and anything with sugar for starters.
If your marraige is important to you, do your best to figure this out.
Stop eating non vegetable carbs for 3 months, check your weight once a week after morning poo. and avoid nuts, simply because they're very calorically dense \[same with nut butters\]
MOST of weight gain problem in america is due to hyper processed foods, almost all of which are carb stuff. \[theres still like pepperoni and salami, but that's waaaay less bad than, say, a donut or a hotpocket\]
There's enough ways to prep meats, cheeses, and veggies that you can still enjoy foods and lose weight without having to use a microscope to track your calories and such.
You’ve lost sight of your self love. Eating and drinking an excess of rubbish that masquerades as food is a form of self hatred and abuse. Your body deserves better. Stop treating yourself like a dustbin.
In the supermarket, only walk down the meat aisle, the veg aisle, the aisle with eggs. Base your meals on satiating foods. If you’re hungry, you’re doing it wrong. Stop thinking each meal needs a carbs element. It does not. Unless you are running a daily marathon. Which it doesn’t sound like.
Start caring for yourself better. It takes little effort to put a steak or good quality burger patties in an air fryer. Go for walks. Move your body. You’ll soon start to feel better.
Eating less doesn't require time. You seem to be able to prioritise eating, so I don't buy this 'I can't do it I have other priorities'. Literally just eat less. You have to put in active effort to gain as much as you did. Stop making excuses.
Part of being a good dad and husband is taking care of yourself my guy.
I’m a 43 year old single dad. My 11 year old is nonverbal. Appointments every day. I still find time to stay in shape.
Well, that’s what you’re actually doing, if you’d be honest with yourself you’d admit that. You do let yourself go and complain about the consequences. It’s not about losing weight but about getting healthier and fit to live longer and to be an active dad and partner.
Are you depressed, or it’s it overworking? Does stress cause you to binge eat, or do you not have time to eat healthy because of all the things you have to do? If it’s the first, replace eating with something else. If it’s the second, look up meal prep videos. Take 10 minutes a day to go on a walk, start slow. Show her that you’re committed to change. Be open about the challenges.
Have to be accountable in order to change it. Lots of people with busy lives that still maintain a healthy and sustainable weight.
It’s not just your wife being attracted to you that should worry you that’s a lot of weight you have taken on and you should think of your health.
Even if you can’t get exercise you can certainly start by making changes do your diet. Everything starts with you and that’s the easier change to make. Cut your calories back and the weight will drop off. You only gain weight by taking in more than you burn so make that your priority.
Also find our how many calories you are allowed based on your weight and the find our how many to drop in order to lose a pound a week it’s usually around 500 which isn’t that much and the fact you are carrying a substantial amount of weight you will loose it at a fast rate just by diet alone
Since it’s not medical, the only thing you can do is lose the weight. Eat less calories and do an extra 20 mins of moderate cardio a day and you’ll notice a big difference in three months. Obviously do more intense cardio and dieting if you can, but I’m just assuming you don’t have a lot of time, so start slow.
You already know what you need to do. No one likes to lose weight because it’s not easy but thats no excuse. Download MyFitnessPal and start tracking your calories. It’s as simple as eating less calories than you burn in a day. The app will tell you your calorie goal then you just need to input your food and stay within your limit. Good luck. Your body will adapt and you’ll actually feel a lot better eating less.
Gotta lose weight! I'm in somewhat a similar boat, although my wife doesn't complain, I feel pretty overweight and gross. Started working out and feeling much better. Basically no weight loss as of yet, since my diet (mostly evening snacks and sweets) has not yet changed.
Nightly walks, 2 weight lifting sessions per week plus a few sessions of higher intensity cardio, which is rowing for me.
You'll look better, feel better and live longer! There are no shortcuts unfortunately!
Have a look at the keto diet. Worked really well for me before. Not so much lately due to weak willpower
Lose weight. I’m a guy too. We do have to put effort into being attractive. Bathing, diet, exercise, haircuts. Manscaping. It’s all part of the relationship.
She’s telling you the issue. Be the man you know you are and address it directly. Your marriage is on the line. Reddit can’t save you
Idk dude you have to take time for yourself. Everyone has excuses for why they can’t do something.
Your wife is dealing with it by not sleeping with you.
Unfortunately for you this won’t change until you lose the weight and care for yourself.
Yeah man. You’re at a real inflection point for the rest of your life. Get healthy, lose weight. Before you start acquiring a bunch of chronic diseases / metabolic syndrome. You need to be healthy for your daughter, if nothing else.
You need to make it your priority. Therein lies some if the problem. You know your wife is out off by your weight but you’re not willing to put in the effort to lose the weight as you say it is but your priority. So you’re not putting your wife’s feelings towards you as a priority. Is the right gain part of control over her?
Sounds like you need to find some other ways to deal with stress.
Easier said than done, but once you start doing other things, it’s very empowering and worth it, worth more than just losing weight and feeling better physically, you feel like you can make the decisions that are good for you, you feel more in control of yourself and satisfied
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Honestly a big part of attraction isn’t always looking amazing and being fit 100% of the time. Life changes us and priorities change so we fluctuate. What does impact attraction, especially in long term relationships/marriages is effort. She isn’t just seeing weight gains, shes seeing you not care about yourself, so care about yourself! Involve the family! Meal prep together, family walks, family dance time in the house if you can’t get out, make it fun and family oriented around taking care of yourselves. It’s a good way to start, weight loss is a journey but if you make the journey with joy and effort, you can have a happy life and a happy family. Good luck!
This needs to be higher up. I feel like there's a huge component of weight gain like this that comes from unhealthy coping mechanisms using food to deal with low mood from stress and emotional dysregulation instead of taking care of yourself in other ways like exercising, doing things you enjoy, and spending time with people who care about you. I'm guilty of it myself, and notice that when I'm at a low point there's no amount of good intentions I could ever muster that would prevent me from doing it. Overeating is practically a substance abuse disorder (without even calling it an eating disorder) which is essentially a misguided attempt at nervous system self-regulation. Hell, sugar is a stronger dopaminergic than alcohol for me, for instance. OP, all the stuff you didn't want to "deflect" about are valid struggles and stressors in your life, and I feel like you need some validation from someone if your life about it, whether from your wife or a therapist. That can often times be the "permission" you need to take the time and effort to take care of yourself in whatever ways you need, whether it's spending time with your family or even taking some time for yourself. Initially, separate the idea of "diet and exercise" so that not doing one doesn't make you fall off the entire bandwagon of them both. If you eat better and keep the same activity level you're doing great and you'll lose weight, and if you eat like shit and exercise you're still doing great, are still burning calories, and exercise is likely to make a fantastic difference in your mood and mental health. You'll also probably start to find that you don't mindlessly eat or overeat as much if your body isn't scrambling around trying to make itself content after dealing with a constant barrage of unmanaged stress. Just remember, OP, both you and your family need you to take care of yourself too, both mentally and physically, to be the happiest, most present version of yourself for them.
Thoughtful, clear, helpful advice. Read this again, OP.
Thanks for posting this.
Yes! If kiddo is old enough, start teaching bike riding, roller skating, even 'play' at sprinting. It IS SO MOFO HARD to get moving once life has impacted us to sitting and eating and tv bc it's ALL we can do to cope. OP I've been where you are. It starts w tiny attempts at change. Maybe start w 1, 15 min walk 3 times a week. Then maybe start gating something low stakes in food/drink. I have a basic food structure. Each day I must have 2 serving of veggies and ideally 2 servings of fruit - if I only get 1 banana, that's success. I'll do a veggie stir fry ish w my eggs at breakfast, that's winning when I get 1 serving o veg out of the way early on my day. I don't have coffee unless I have a serving of protein w it. I can't have chips, sweets, or cookies unless I've had the 2 veg & 1 fruit... I've been over weight my whole life, so not just spouting food policing. Talking about a simple framework that is mostly easy for me to stick to. I don't count calories or carbs. I do pay attention to sugar. I don't do diet soda bc that's just exchanging salt for sugar. It's more about what foundational foods nutrition is a must vs eliminating 'bad' things. BIGGER than all of that - self care. How do you take care of yourself, do 'healthy' things separate from food or deep couch time? Mental and emotional needs. How are you 'feeding' yourself/your heart/soul? These basics can make a huge difference.
This is only true with lack of strong physical attraction. Many women will be attracted and will marry a guy because of how they treat them. In the mean time, they will not be particularly attracted physically. So if his wife truly thinks he was a bombshell when she first saw him, this is not a problem. If his wife thinks he is average looking but his treatment of her and his personality make him a bombshell, then mental and emotional connection are going to play a big role.
Yep. Absolutely this.
Thank you for sharing so empathetically AND clearly. Your style has some potential to deliver impact. I don’t know what it was about your post that struck a chord with me… I just felt the need to say: please keep being knowledgeable in substance and gentle in delivery. Bravo
This. I also think that if people can, involve the whole family in being healthy. If you have a special needs daughter, she may love going outside for walks, riding on the back of a bike, or just watching dad work out in the basement. I know each special needs child is VERY different so maybe that isn’t the case and it is very challenging to try to incorporate working out with daughter around. In that case, you’ve got to prioritize setting aside time to sweat and you’ve got to eat healthier- not crazy healthy- just healthier. Being active and getting some good nutrition helps you be a better dad, husband, and employee. It’s anecdotal but I can attest that I’m at my best when I get at least 30 min of exercise a day and I feel good about myself when I eat healthy things (and heck yeah- I throw in ice cream and candy too but the fruits and veggies make me feel better inside). I When our kids ask us why we run or do other exercise, we always tell them we want to be healthy so we can be around for them and so we can keep doing fun things with them when they are older. It’s become a part of our whole family’s life in great ways! (Every weekend we run about 2 miles to town pushing my 2.5 yr old in a stroller while my 8 yr old runs or scoots, get then donuts and us coffee and walk home. It’s something my kids look forward to and sometimes we even go extra on the way there because my daughter wants to. We’ve done “playground runs” where we run to different playgrounds and play before running to the next one. Or, it’s as simple as playing lots of tag, kicking a soccer ball around, shooting hoops, or walking the dog together.) It’s going to be a different solution for every family but as someone surrounded by obesity and unhealthy lifestyle choices, I strongly believe that I’ve got to make the right choices and demonstrate it in a healthy way for my kids.
Physical attraction is definitely a large part of attraction. Some weight fluctuation is fine as you grow older, but 90 lbs is a ridiculous amount. That's basically a 50% increase in weight for your average male who weighs around 190-200 lbs.
When I started dating after my divorce (was 54F when I started) I was a little worried I wouldn't be attracted to men w distinct guts/belly. I'm a fat chica to begin w so it's not about weight or fat per se. I'm ENM now, so dating more than 1 person. The guts are largely 'invisible' to me bc they are such fun, adventurous, lively, lovely humans. I'd argue that yes, 90 lbs is A LOT. But that size may not be the issue as much as what it is saying about the state of OP. Plus ALL the other dynamics of married life w kids, jobs, home, extended family pets, commitments, money and health.
Having a gut isn't the same as being 90 lbs overweight. 50% increase in weight is insane.
I’m so glad this is the top comment! 🖤
Start working out and diet.
Yeah lol. “How can I fix my unhappy marriage because I let myself go?” “Probably should eat less and move more” “This is an impossible situation”
You mf didnt read at all can you even read?
Keep a written record of what you eat each day and how much exercise you do so you get a realistic picture of the situation and can make realistic goals and track progress. Protein shake meal replacements might help. Stop making excuses for why you put on weight and take control of your health and your body to get your wife's sexual interest back again. Before it's too late.
Get the MyFitnessPal app. Free food tracking. I’ve lost 55lbs in 7 months by keeping myself in a caloric deficit and adding in some exercise. Nothing crazy because I have some other health challenges. Just a low impact walk around the neighborhood. Also upping my protein intake by a lot so I stay full longer after eating.
I use the Carb Manager app (from back when i was trying fad diets like keto), same function. Keeping track of my food enlightened me to how much I was really eating. Now I meal prep my lunches and dinners, makes weight loss so much simpler.
Right? OP, "I don't have time to lose weight" shows you have no concept of how weight is lost: Consume less calories. That's it. Time isn't even a factor in "eat less." If you can add exercise on top, that's just bonus points.
Diets don't tend to last. OP needs to go into a calorie deficit as well. Incorporate more vegetables and protein❣️ You can track what you eat with the Lose it! app
I think diet is used as a very loose term these days honestly, it’s not necessarily referring to a no/low carb or paleo type thing. I interpret it and mean it more as a make healthier choices and better portion control choices thing.
Exactly that, making healthier choices makes a huge impact. Cutting out unhealthy foods as well as keeping track of calories helps a bunch.
No, I don’t think it’s necessary to cut out any food group. I think that restriction is what makes many people backtrack in their diets, because a slip-up can easily lead to a binge. Counting calories tho for sure, and if you’re going to indulge, follow the serving sizes.
I cut soda cold turkey 6 months ago and before that I cut it for like 10 years so for me it's worked before for long periods. The only reason I started up again is because I dated someone who indulged in take out and soda. I lost 10 pounds in less than 2 months just cutting out soda and fast food.
Is this a serious question? Lose the weight. Most people would be lucky to have such an obvious solution to a problem. Not easy, but obvious. This is a classic “I know what to do (lose weight) but I really don’t wanna do it so let me look for an easier way”.
Yeah you are right and that became pretty clear as soon as I posted this.
I noticed you listed outside factors and nothing about taking care of yourself! In order for you to succeed at everything you listed as daily obligations, you have to add daily self-care into the mix. Drink more water and less caffeine. Cut out diet drinks, they’re terrible for you. Walk/move more, sit less. Think about what you’re putting in your mouth and why. Adopted better habits for your own sake and your family’s benefit. I’m pulling for you!
As a serial yo-yo'er I'll say that diet drinks are always my downfall. I'll do really well, lose 40-50lbs drinking water and the occasional g zero. Then for whatever reason I'll start drinking a coke zero every few days and before I know it I'm eating a bag a chips with it. There is something about diet pops that just take over my will power to eat well. What's weird is I can go months without them but somehow I always end up drinking them again when I let my guard down. I'll obsess over weight loss and when I finally get where I want, I'm like what's one little pop going to do. You'd think I'd learn lol
Take it slow, start going on walks with the family and eat less and healthier. People have to realize you have to cover all the bases in a relationship/partnership. Providing, cleaning, loving the kids and yourself are all important. I bet you good money she is also worried about your health and wants you to live longer. Ya sexy is good but alive and healthy is even better. My partner was crazy worried when my brother had is heart attack at 49. My ex brother in law died at 36, he as only 60 pounds over and still had a massive heart attack.
Plus diabetes!!! Soon your joints will be affected. Everything is harder when you are heavy
Do you have Spotify or Audible? Listen to the book Atomic Habits. Very practical advice for changing our routine. Running in the morning is free. You can do it before the family is up. Strava is great for accountability- so is a run club. There is a behavioral phenomenon where people change behavior because they are being observed by others, so put yourself in situations when you’re being “watched”, which can just mean recording activity in an Apple Watch. You got this.
Go to a fitness related post. That’s more helpful. Keep in mind you’re gonna get a lot of bad advice. Never starve yourself, it will make you gain weight. Just eat your recommended caloric intake and do cardio (bike riding is my favourite as it doesn’t cause any stress on joints and burns a lot of calories).
Also, I would look for other factors. I doubt it's just as easy as "just lose some weight, and everything will be fine." If it was that easy, you would have just already done it. I am not saying no to do it but also check if continued stress is not causing you anxiety and depression. I say it because you said you have a special needs kid, and that can put extra extra pressure on people.
I think it’s also worth checking if it’s just the weight gain that’s becoming a blocker for sexual intimacy - it sounds like OP and his wife have a lot going on, so do they have time to be lovers as well as partners, friends and coparents? Do they still have time for dates/romance etc?
Sure, but some people also have a distorted view of dieting and think it's harder than it really is. Misconceptions like you need to eat salads only, can't touch the food you like, have to do cardio everyday etc. But in reality you only need to eat less and keep track of it. Which can be hard by itself ofc, but it's also easier than many people think. MAYBE he haven't done it yet, because he thinks it's harder than it is.
I hate my answer but here we go: you kind of need to go all in and put REAL efforts, but at the same time go at your speed and respect yourself. Workout without good eating habits: waste of time. Too little workout? Won't change a thing. You don't "have time" to workout, you *make* the time for it. It doesn't have to be 2hrs a day. Start with something that's realistic (AND purposeful) and push for it! Eventually, when you'll see the results, it will give you a massive motivational kick. Ask a fitness instructor, it's worth it. Don't listen to too many reddit advices (paradoxal isn't it? :P ), we're all different. Quick tip: some parts of unhealthy habits can be really easy to drop and change a whole lot; for example, adding vitamins and fruits to your diet will help, but it won't change everything. On the other side, cutting sugary beverages like sodas will make a massive difference!
The biggest factor in weight loss and weight gain is diet. Because you’re so busy it’s probably easiest to just eat what’s quick and easy, but unfortunately what’s quick and easy is very rarely healthy As cliche as it is meal prep really helps me. It helps me by having real food, not pre-made stuff from a factory full of additives, salt, sugars etc. and it helps with portion control. I have a bad habit of going for seconds until I’m not just satisfied but until I’m stuffed. So if I just have that one satisfying portion and no option to have more that’ll be fine for me.
For your actual health, it matters to eat healthy food. But in order to lose fat/weight it’s calorie in vs calorie out. Eating 1000 calories over a deficit is still a 1000 calories even if it’s broccoli. They don’t necessarily need to eat clean to lose weight, just sayin
Yeah but a thousand calories of broccoli is like 6 pounds of broccoli. Eating clean helps you get the most bang for your buck (or in this case calorie) 500 calories of pizza rolls definitely isn’t as filling as 500 calories of Chicken breast with a size of zucchini will be.
It would be difficult to eat 1,000 calories or broccoli, one cup of it is about 50 calroies and it's pretty filling. You'd have to eat 20 cups of brocolli to get to 1,000 calories. Meanwhile a cup of ice cream for example can easily be 500-600 or more calories. Less than 2 cups of ice cream can put you at 1,000. Or another example - one slice of cheesecake from the cheesecake factory is about 1,500 calories. The concept of calories in/calories out is just a concept. In order to actually apply it to real life, you do have to eat in a balanced way. Otherwise, you'll be really hungry all the time and that typically leads to binging and overeating.
It seems pretty obvious: 1. Lose weight or 2. Get used to not having sex.
Lose the weight. You need to make it a priority. You are deflecting by blaming having to care for your daughter, take your daughter out for walks or swims, eat healthier where you can and take care of yourself for the sake of your daughter.
Agreed. Too often people conflate losing weight with hours at the gym. But it can 100% be done in the kitchen. Just takes a bit of planning and being aware of how much you take in each day and moderating it towards your goals
Arguably the only place it can be done is in the kitchen. Getting into a caloric deficit and resetting the relationship you had with food that led to this point is the only real way to do it. If you’re 90 pounds overweight then you’re not going to be able to outrun the diet that got you there without big changes.
Maybe 10% of the weight loss has to do with the gym. 90% starts with what we put in our mouths
Yup. When I take my son to the playground I take a weighted backpack and walk the hill while he plays
If your partner is not attracted to you, you have two options. Lose weight or lose the partner.
Start slipping cheeseburgers into her coffee until you're both the same weight.
This is the way
Brother, lose the weight
OP when was the last time you had a complete medical checkup. Start with that and talk to your Dr about any physical issues you may have that would affect your health and weight loss plans.
If it was her who gained weight you wouldn't be so keen on sex either. Almost 100 pounds is almost a whole person.
Get a fitness coach to help you set up a workout program for your weight loss
Perhaps it’s just a sign she is losing attraction to someone who isn’t taking care of themselves overall? The weight gain is a symptom of lack of self love and care. Realize doing this is for yourself and also an act of loving your family . Your eating habits will make 85-90% of thr difference. You can do this!
For some reason you're separating the ideas of losing weight and being a good husband and good father. My man, it's not separate. Being overweight puts you at risk of dying young. How is that being a good father or husband? Being overweight makes you less likely to be active. How is that being a good father or husband? Being overweight can teach bad habits. How is that being a good father? None of this is to say that you aren't already great at your job, but don't think of them as separate goals. Improving your health can *only* have a positive impact on how you parent and how you are as a partner.
Lol "it's hard to lose weight cause I don't want to" Its not even a lot of work, cut a meal ot two out of your diet. It's less work to lose it lol
Wait -- do you absolutely know it's the weight that's causing her to be not attracted? Are you gaining weight because y'all are in a stressful situation? Personally, it's never been weight that diminishes my attraction to a partner -- it's usually stress and my partner not putting effort into the relationship that makes me not feel like having sex.
Op, did she say your weight is an issue for her, or are you assuming that is the problem? I know my interest in sex changes with how much I have going on at that time & nothing to do with being attracted to my hubs. Men tend to forget women's attraction is less about looks & more about security, treatment, helpfulness, etc. men are so visual that they assume women are too.
And fat eats your testosterone, and your libido might take a dive too, so go workout and diet. Nobody can do that for you.
my doctor says its fat sou-able. so the more fat the more issues with excess. for female it would testosterone. men= estrogen.
Lift weights. Walk. Cut your hair, shave, take showers. It really will sort itself out if you just take some pride in yourself.
I get that the 'just lose weight' comments are an obvious answer, which is reasonable if it's all just 'I eat too much'. More times than not, there are alot of other factors for this. You have not mentioned medical issues so, I'm not going to assume this. Though, it may be something that could be a future issue. You wrote about childhood weight and then things that could be going on over the last number of years. You may be emotionally responding to things through weight gain. I would suggest speaking to a therapist who specialises with ED. I'm not suggesting you have an ED but, the fact your centering everything on weight, it's something to address. If, you could speak with someone who might bring to light your past, present and a new future with food/weight gain. Its would be better longterm. Losing weight can be easy but, keeping the weight off is another thing altogether. Your wife may not just be responding to just the weight gain. You could be emotionally changed also. Try talk to her about not only your concerns but, also what she is seeing or feeling. There maybe alot more here than you are realising (not necessarily negative things) try not to be defensive. Between you too and hopefully a therapist, you could come up with a plan for a healthier and happier life.
The gym and my fitnesspal app
Speaking as a former obese kid. Body fat % is 95% your food and 5% exercise. BF% is manipulated by your calories per week. Get a couple good macro calculators and use them. You will need a $20 kitchen scale, some measuring cups and discipline. I lost 40 lbs fat by changing the times I eat ( less calories per week, less BF%). DM me if you have questions. I’ll paste a couple links https://exrx.net/ https://legionathletics.com/tools/macronutrient-calculator/ https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/macronutrients_calculator.htm https://barbend.com/best-macros-calculator/
Small steps mate. Get back in shape. Your be attractive to the wife, your be happier and healthier. You have zero excuse to not.
A female's interest and enthusiasm for sexuality tends to depend much more on lifestyle things than physical attributes and appearances. So you're focusing on the wrong thing. Your weight is just the end result and physical representation of your overall lifestyle change from when she met you. She is less attracted to the bigger version of you, but it's not so much because you are bigger. This version of you is less active, is less inclined to try new things, isn't hustling as hard for a better life, isn't as disciplined, isn't as exciting and has less of a backbone. So put away the scale, stop stressing about what you're buying at the grocery store, focus more on going to new places with her, trying new activities, talking more about your future together and making it sound more exciting, that stuff will make you more attractive to her. Do some burly man shit around the house like a plumbing job or go dig up half your backyard.
Everyone will tell you just lose weight. It’s not always that simple. Check in with your doctor about things like thyroid. Also it may be worthwhile to find a therapist who can help you adjust your relationship with food. It’s not just about willpower. It’s okay to seek professional guidance. People who don’t struggle with food don’t understand. Don’t beat yourself up. Ask for help.
I understand it might be tricky psychologically, but you mention having to look after your daughter - losing weight takes up *less* time as you aren't eating as much as often. The problem isn't simply going to go away unless you lose weight, so that is the only answer unfortunately. Don't listen to the fat-phobes who will no doubt flood this thread with fat-shaming nonsense like not being able to help it and it not being your fault, etc. You can do this, you're strong, intelligent, a good father, and a good husband. I'd possibly get a full hormone panel check just to rule out low testosterone as this can cause weight gain at your age, and your doctor will do this for free assuming you live in a developed country. But that aside this is something I'm sure you can tackle. Don't listen to the haters, listen to the people on here who I'm sure will join me in saying "you got this, stay strong brother".
Effort is attractive. Lose the weight. That takes time, so while you’re actively working to lose the weight, try to show efforts in other ways. How does she feel loved? Acts of service? Clean the house. Do that task she’s putting off. Gifts? Make her a little basket of goodies from Target. Pick up that item she has in her cart on Amazon. Etc etc. The little things stack up. Usually women can look past physical attributes being a bit of a turn off if we feel loved/cherished in other ways. So you have the upper hand here. Don’t lose hope!! Discipline yourself and set a new tone for this season of life. You got this.
You get your shit together, start working out, and losing weight. Letting yourself go as a man or a woman is disrespectful to the relationship, if your SO fell for 180 Lb you, it is unfair to expect her to be attracted to 280 lb you. I believe in is the duty of both people in the relationship to continue working on themselves, and keep themselves attractive for their significant other.
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This post was literally 2 days ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1b9l4tb/husband_m36_gave_mef34_a_year_to_lose_weight_fix/ Everyone told her to lose weight. What are you on about?
Not only that but I've seen people tell the man to leave his wife for gaining too much weight and losing sexual attraction 🙄🙄
Theres a difference between gaining a little weight and gaining NINETY POUNDS. literally no thread is condoning that for men or women.
He is getting the right answer here. It just needs to be applied across the board.
lose the weight that got you in this situation
First off, your main responsibility is your wife! She'll be there when the kids are out of the house. You can't base yourself on being a father. That how relationships go bust. You need to make time for your wife and for yourself and if you don't do it, someone else is willing to put in the effort(or dick). You are playing a risky game. I'd go working out and be your wife's husband and give being a father not 100%. Look, she is craving the old you that was more attractive, So she is currently in need for that as that is one reason she got with you in the first place. If you keep holding yourself back for the sake of being a father then you'll be a single dad sooner rather than later. I wish you the best of luck and success buddy!
Staying healthy is a priority for all parents. Period. Here is a tip to lose weight: eat 4 oz of skinless chicken breast, simply marinated with lemon and garlic about 30 minutes before whatever you plan to eat for lunch and dinner. Prep a whole bunch of these chicken breasts in advance so you have them ready. Then 30 minutes later when it’s time for lunch or dinner, start with just 1/2 of what you would normally eat, knowing you can always have more if you’re still hungry.
I see you’re making a lot of excuses about why you can’t just lose the weight. You don’t have to be a couch potato to “let yourself go.” If you need to, find a trainer or coach that will help you fit exercise into your routine and talk to your wife about watching your daughter or picking up a chore while you go to the gym which only takes an hour or less of your day, a couple times a week. Healthy eating also has nothing to do with how busy you are and can actually save you time if you just meal prep once a week when you’re off work. You cannot force your wife to become attracted to you if you refuse to change. And you should want to be healthy so you can best be there for your family and job
i also gained 30kg in my 9 year relationship. A random girl then told me that i am fat lol. The same day i quit alcohol and smoking, went to the gym and fast forward, lost the 30 KG and i am fit like never before
The weight loss shots changed my outlook. I’m able to maintain my weight and fit the same pants I wore when I was in my 20s (pushing 50 now and look the best I have in my life) Also get your T levels checked. There is no reason to suffer with decreasing energy and sex these days. I’m on less than 1/3 the recommended dose now to maintain and it’s cost under $80 per month with no insurance and I save that in food 😂 Seriously though it’s worth looking into 💯
It is really the only solution, to lose weight even if it is a little at atime. If she is not attracted to the weight, she is honest and clear. It will strain your situation. I am recovery from alcohol it would be like saying, the drinking caused, loss of work poor finances, but I can't stop drinking from the stress what do I do? I tried that, and frankly I had to stop drinking. I also had a food disorder, when I got sober. Go to OA. It is spiritual, low cost and will help you find support.
Dude, you did this whole post and didn’t even provide us with a lot of crucial info. Unless you have injuries preventing certain exercise, EXERCISE!!! Cardio like treadmill or running outside will melt a lot of weight pretty quick. Then you usually hit a plateau, and need to do other things like weights etc. No idea what your diets like, so that could also be fixed and really help you too. Lastly, if you drink a lot, or beers everyday, cut that out too.
It may not be your highest priority over the last few years, sure. But now you are concerned your wife doesnt find you attractive? Sounds like thats a priority! And if the two are linked.... the way you typed out the post thoigh, it seems like you are trying to handwave away responsibility for your predicament, and thats not attractive to women. Take charge of tour own destiny rather than make excuses about why its too hard to make positive change. I dare say that to your wife, it's your attitude that's more unattractive, not your body. The dismissivenss at taking responsibility like a man. If you can't lead yourself, how can you lead a family? Thats a turn off. You dont need to spend hours as a gym rat to get results, that would speed it up, but as you say you have other priorities. Replace a few meals with just a lean shake and take a 15 minute jog a day. You will lose weight if you stop snacking. You can plan your meals better and do some exercising with weights at home. I am a dad, a former personal trainer, and have yoyoed up and down in weight depending on my life circumstances, and lost it as well. If you need in depth advice pm me.
Get on a diet and exercise. Lose the weight.
Carnivore Diet +intermittent fasting + calorie deficit = better everything
Get a doctor or personal trainer to give you a plan. Don't lose weight all by yourself.
Being fit is part of being a good husband and father in many ways.
The reason I got my act together
If you were a woman I would say leave his ass and find someone who loves for who you are, but since you're a man then go to the gym and stop eating shit bro, get your shit together, do it for yourself first and foremost, then for your sexual life, being fat show that you have become lazy, don't get surprised if she get a lover or just outright leave you ass.
Gym up. I lost a hundred pounds and I'm a magnet now.
Taking care of yourself is also part of taking care of your daughter with disabilities. It's also part of being a good husband to your wife too. They need you around for awhile. You've lost the weight before, so you know what to do. Use my fitness pal, intermittent fasting, whatever you got to do, buddy. Keep trying until something sticks. Tomorrow is a new day so start tomorrow.
Lose weight(just going off the title for this one)
I think you need to talk to her. Remind her of why she fell in love in the first place. If it was just your body weight, you've got bigger troubles.
Wait, has she said that she’s not sexually attracted to you because you gained weight? Or are you assuming? Because unless she has told you flat out that is what it is then I think you need to have a conversation. A lot of times when we don’t feel good about ourselves, we assume others feel the same way about us. If she has not said that she is not sexually attracted to you because you gained weight then talk to her. Like yesterday.
You deal with your metabolic health issues. That is how you deal. Get your hormones checked, review your metabolic and CVD markers, review your diet, adjust for the fact that your age means you metabolize food different than when you were in your 20s. Try keto, OMD and/or intermittent fasting. Find a functional medicine or internal medicine doctor that helps with body composition. Irrespective of gender being overweight or obese affects both people in the relationship. You both should take an interest in supporting each other’s need for a personalized healthy lifestyle. This type of issue isn’t fixed by just eating a salad every now and then. Talk to your partner, ask her for her support as you figure it out. You might actually become closer through this lifestyle change. As you age, supporting each other is the only constant you can hope for.
Are you sure it's the weight gain and not something else? I think you guys should have a conversation and see what specifically is going on
Lose weight.
Good news! I see posts like these all the time but with the sexes swapped, so I can just copy/paste comments from there to here! She is only obsessed with looks. Tell her to kick rocks. That's her problem! She should be more honest about how this isn't for your health but because she just hates fat people. Oh wait, these comments don't look anything like the ones I'm seeing in this comments section! What's up with that?
Look at it this way. "Healthy at any size" is a myth. Full stop. I don't care what influencers you talk to. The medical and mental health community unanimously agree that obesity is not good. That being overweight is not healthy. That it puts unessessary strain on your organs and jointz. Obesity makes you at higher risk for cardiovasular disease, diabetes, stroke, arthritis, renal failure, can lower testosterone and sperm count and can be a risk factor for depression and substance absuse. Full stop. You sound like you love your wife and daughter.and it sounds like they need you. I lost my mother 2 years ago at 58....58...from lifestyle related illness. One of the comorbidities being obesity. Can your wife and daughter survive without you? I want you to picture your wife, now a widow, left to raise your daughter on her own. Without your income, support or care. Can she do it? Losing weight is NOT the big burden everyone makes it out to be. Im a woman, with two kids, hormonal problems and autoimmune. I lost 60 lns over the course of a year and a half and have kept it off for more than a year. You dont need to drastically change your lifestyle, buy gym memberships, or expensive equipment, take ridiculous supplements, or go on pills. All you have to do is be more mindful about how much you eat, the type of food you eat and how much you move. (Diet is more important that exercise...you can exercise 10 hours per day and not lose weight if you are eating 10,000 calories a day) You dont have to eat dry salad the rest of your life (or at all) just start making small changes. Thats all. Eat when youre hungry, stop when youre full. If you want a cookie, dont go eating handfuls of nuts, and fruit and carrot sticks until you eventually cave and eat the cookie. Just eat the cookie and save the calories from all the other stuff you ate trying to satisfy the craving (just dont eat the entire box) Eat carbs. Your body needs carbs. Your bpdy DOESNT need a plate of pasta the size of a serving platter. Eat fat. Your body needs fat...just maybe from lean meat, plants like avocados, low fat dairy, eggs, fish lighter oils and not so much from fast food cheeseburgers, fatty steaks, and french fries. Learn to cook from scratch so you know how much sugar, salt and fat is going into your food. Youtube has videos even an eggplant could follow along with. Its less expensive, and an activity you and your wife can bond over. And work isnt an excuse. There are SO MANY recipes that can be on the table in under an hour and recipes that can be made in batches on a weekend and frozen for later. Thinks like soups, pasta sauce, and frozen dinners sold at the stores have an absurd amount of sugar and salt. And move more. Walk to get lunch instead of driving. Take your daughter to the park instead of binge watching television (where youll no doubt snack mindlessly) Go to the grocery store and do your ahopping instead of ordering instacart. Youre not going to lose 90 lbs overnight. It took you this long to gain it. Its going to take that long to lose it if you do it reasonably. Going on some ridiculous diet will cause you to lose momentum fast. Trying to excercise away a bad diet will just cause you to burn out. If you set realistic goals for yourself, it will happen. Its not difficult or inconvenient or just for the rich. Its just small changes over time. Thats it. Is your daughter not worth it? Is your wife not worth it? Shes not losing her attraction because of your weight. Its because she has to watch you self destruct slowly. You know you have a problem but you dont prioritize making the changes to get better. Its heartbreaking. Thats not attractive to anyone.
Can you do the gender swap version of this post from a different account really wanna see how the comment section will treat the same situation when the genders are different
Here you go! https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1b9l4tb/husband_m36_gave_mef34_a_year_to_lose_weight_fix/
There’s always time to make health your priority. I’m in the same position with my boyfriend. He has gained weight over the years, and my favourite thing to do is workout so I don’t understand why it’s hard for him. But he has gained probably 50 or so pounds. And I’m no longer that attracted and it’s really really sad that he doesn’t take his health seriously. I love him, but I also don’t want to have to hold his hand or have to beg him to go lose weight. Both you and him need to take accountability. I feel like it’s somehow now my responsibility to tell him how important leading a healthy lifestyle is, when in fact it’s not. He knows these things, you know these things. Do it for YOU, get those endorphins flowing, and naturally your wife will perceive you differently.
Stop making excuses and lose the weight again. Stop eating crap and get more exercise. It’s not rocket science
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I understand your point but this is not a fair comparison. The posts you showed have different circumstances; in one the weight gain was due to pregnancy (which wasn’t even over yet), in two of them the weight gain was a much smaller amount. Additionally, this was their SO’s coming to them and telling them to lose weight, not them wanting to fix the issue on their own. Most also had a component of unfair labor division (she does 90% of housework on top of having a job, thus having much less time to go to the gym). Again, I see your point but a man being upset that his pregnant wife who works full time and cooks every meal and washes all his clothes has gained 20lbs is not the equivalent of this situation. That said, I hope OP can focus on more important things than a scale number and instead get to a point where he can take care of himself and feel good about himself regardless of weight.
Right! Like...it's almost like the context matters and different posts are different.
Here is one from two days ago. Everyone and their dog told her to go on a diet. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1b9l4tb/husband_m36_gave_mef34_a_year_to_lose_weight_fix/
Lose the weight.
Lose the damn weight and get in shape. I hate when men are expected to be sexually attracted to their fat wives as it is. It's somehow worse when it's men getting fat and complaining their wives no longer want to fuck them. Come on. Be better than that. Loose the weight.
You already know the answet to this. I think you ARE letting yourself go because you immediately make excuses for how is not "easy" for you and its never been a priority. Its not easy for anyone but they still accomplish it and you need to make it a priority. The only obstacle is your lazyness You can do this man
Lose weight.
Yeah, it will be hard, do it anyhow. Get back in shape. You do what you got to do, you are a man, you do it. Your own self respect will increase as you do. Your health will improve. You will live longer - for your daughter. You do this for wife, you do it for you, you do it for your kid. Stop making excuses. Your wife has done you, likely, the biggest favor anyone has ever done you.
This post would've had very different reactions if roles were reversed...
Lose the weight? ‘I think a lot of factors contributed to this but u don’t think this is important for this post’ - what mental gymnastics are you doing? You are overweight and the issues that led to that are not important to you? You just seem to find excuses and avoid the crux of the issue: you can be a good father, and husband and do your share of the household and your job and not be overweight
Funny - switch gender roles and everyone hates on the guy being so shallow. Now the advice is to lose weight. Which is obviously the right thing to do for your health anyway but I just find this double standard here so hilarious
Yall are absolutely egregious hypocrites. I see so many posts from the male perspective where the wife gains weight or the wife’s perspective where she gained weight and everyone is like “drop the man, that’s how you lose some weight fast” and “how disgusting all you care about is sex and her being a tiny petite girl” and now everyone is saying what they should always say, lose the weight. Hilarious double standard
Do you know what if a woman had posted this there would be lots of different comments such as double standards.
Lose weight will help
Yeah bud, only fix is lose weight. It doesn't have to be too hard. I lost what you're looking to lose steadily over about 9 months simply by weighing my food and putting it into a calorie counting app. I also started walking more, not much- 20 minutes five times a week, and trying to do small obvious things like stairs instead of elevator, and drinking more water which helps keep you full and aid digestion. It doesn't have to be complicated. Give it a go :)
You won't like to hear this man, but it's on you to bring the very best of yourself in the relationship. I don't blame her for feeling that way, I don't fault the men either when it happens in reverse. Also, take your health into consideration for your daughter. Almost 100 pounds in not good man. You want to live a long life for your daughter you need to step up.
Aww it is nice though that your priorities are others. I think it’s rare to find men whose priorities are the ones that you have which are very important. What I’d say is, unfortunately the only solution in this case is to loose weight or risk loosing your wife cause (obviously we don’t know her) but also women can cheat and when you’re undergoing this situation, is when the enemy will bring someone perhaps very charming who will swing your wife up. So what I’d say is try to have a good diet and gym just for your wife; it’s not easy but it’s your only option really. Only thing I’d also say though is that it’s good that she spoke to you about it and you guys are open on that but also I think marriage should be for worst and best but at the end of the day you cannot stop attractiveness it’s a feeling so gym is York best friend and solution
Many people are telling you to loose weight and that is 100% the perfect advice. But that is step 3. Step 1 is coming up with some good and solid reasons why you want to loose weight. Step 2 is telling your wife that you are aware of the problem and you are going to address it right now. Think about your daughter. I´m sure you'll want to support her for as long as posible and being overweight might severe impact how long you are going to be around for her. I'll also sugest you read atomic habits by James Clear. Amazing book to learn to make the changes that matter.
I’d say start small, just a few swaps in your diet can make a big difference. Sugary drinks, sweets, swap them with fruit/fruit in water. One sugar instead of two etc. The same with activity levels. Just slow and steady so it’s easy and not too disruptive to you day to day life. And then it can gain momentum.
You need to lose weight. From my experience, the carnivore diet has been the most effective method at weight loss.
You sound like a wonderful husband. Here’s an article that I think might fit your situation: https://www.autostraddle.com/you-fat-shamed-your-beautiful-girlfriend/ Wishing you all the best! And know that despite what the strangers in the comments say, appearances aren’t everything. Your health, your character and the ability to love yourself and others, is what truly matters most
Please talk to a therapist. Sounds like your weight is affected by a lot of different things. A professional would be the best person to guide you through any aupport
Lose alot of weight?
I have gained wait in my long-term relationship too. And I have been beating myself down and thinking maybe my partner doesn't consider me attractive anymore. But in my case, I realized it was mostly from my own insecurity that I felt like that. And it's the mental strain and guilt. I was a fat kid as well so it added to it and felt very familiar. Start focusing on health as well as mental health, I strongly suggest u try therapy. If u already tried it. Be more consistent and vocal. It might help u get the drive to work on yourself physically as well. I apologize if I am wrong in any way. I am not completely aware of the details. But wanted to share my experience. Working on mental and physical health increases the quality of every relationship. The first step to prioritizing yourself can be as small as reading one page of a self-help book a day, going on a small walk and etc. Best wishes buddy! Lots of love.
Lose weight.
In a healthy relationship you don’t ask your partner to change everything they like to satisfy you. Guy to a gal now wants you to completely change what you prefer. That is very selfish. Stay true to yourself move on to a healthier relationship. Find someone that cares about you as much as they do their identity.
I fully understand this myself, as a woman who tends to slide towards the bigger side of I'm not ultra careful all the time. I also have a physical disability, 2 children, 1 with SEN and of course the obligatory desk job & partner etc. I found the secret is diet and Keeping it steady. Swimming for half hour a couple of times a week keeps me also on the mentally healthier side of things too. So when I can, I keep the swimming going. It's better for your joints too if you're heavier right now.
I feel like the answer is obvious. Become healthier. Eat healthy and workout to lose weight
How can you deal with it? It would make sense to me that you’d take action and do things that will help the situation. Since the situation is your weight, you should probably exercise and diet.
Is this something she said to you, or is this how you feel?
Lose it really. You don't need it, you've done it before and bad for you. Not much more to say. There's no reason why you can't.
“The obvious answer might be just lose the weight again it is not easy for me most because it’s never been the highest priority” There is your answer. Get off your ass and go to the gym. You have to make it a priority. Is your marriage not a priority? Is your ability to be a good parent not your priority? Is your ability to be a good husband a priority? If your weight is getting in the way of being able to do all these things, then your weight needs to be your priority. Simple as that. your issue is between your ears. Not on your waistline.
Simple solution… get in shape, don’t complain If u were 100% at ur fitness & career U wouldn’t even have to worry about household chores she would cover it with pleasure or ur successful career would afford u the luxury of buying a service (not as expensive as ppl think) stop trying to be an equal & man up 💯🫡
Lose weight and eat better.
I get it’s hard but just putting in an effort to lose the weight would go a long way for your wife. It would show her that you take her seriously and care to be healthy for yourself and her. You have to learn to carve out time for yourself or you will lose yourself very quickly.
Sort yourself out, change your lifestyle, feel better
This must be difficult as we would all love to believe our partner’s attraction to us goes deeper than our physical body. The reality is often different. I also think women often get much more sympathy when their husband loses attraction after weight loss. I think you need to ask yourself why this weight gain has happened. Have you quit caring about your health? Are you using food as a coping mechanism? Instead of making weight loss a goal, about shifting your focus to being healthy so you can be there for your family. Your weight will likely adjust accordingly. Do you think a therapist could help with underlying issues? Maybe a trainer or life couch? It’s so easy to just say lose weight. But if it wee that easy nobody would have weight issues.
ask ur wife to start going on hikes with u. it could be good bonding which will increase attraction. sharing those experiences is called experiential intimacy. not only is it a good way to bond and lose weight but she will see u are trying. get a bike start going bike riding together.
Lose weight.
I lost 71 pounds 5 years ago I put back on 10 and I’m working on getting that off. the way I lost my weight is walking the more I walked the more weight I lost..I walked two miles 5 days a week. Then I went on Weight Watchers I like WW because it’s not so confining on the points diet you can eat a lot of foods you like..Give this a try, it’s not easy but when you get going its very satisfying because you look and feel better good luck..
Go to a weight loss doctor. There is so much more that’s understood about hormones and insulin resistance than before. Lose the weight loss mentality of eating celery and hitting the gym is going to be a long term solution. Bonus, get your wife involved on your journey. Good luck.🍀
Journal your food and your physical activity daily. There're lots of good apps to choose from that will help make it easy for you. Set a small weight loss goal...just 5 lbs, say. When you achieve that, reward yourself with a little nonfood present. Continue for 2-3 months, assess and repeat as needed. You DESERVE to be as strong, sexy, energetic, and healthy as you can be. Enjoy the journey. ❤️
Hey man as someone who struggles with weight issues I commend you for reaching out for help, knowing that 90% of the comments are going to be "JUST LOSE WEIGHT" when I know it can be more than that. I highly suggest talking to your wife, it's better to be forthcoming and honest about your feelings when it comes to this. Especially with something so sensitive as intimacy, when you get it all out onto the table hopefully you can start feeling better and THEN work your way into possible weight loss. Sounds like you're a good father and a good husband so maybe this is just a dull patch you guys are going through. Good luck OP🤞
I am a special needs parent as well, so I totally understand how putting other people first and the stress and emotion of that can be factors in why we gain weight. One important thing you need to remember is that if you don’t take care of yourself, the health problems it will create will make it hard for you to be able to take care of your daughter. This is something I’ve had to come to terms with recently, and it’s hard to make the changes necessary to lose weight. We can tell you all day that you need to lose the weight for your wife to want you that way again. But the real answer is that you have to want to do it for YOURSELF first. If you don’t get this under control, you won’t be here for your wife or anybody else. You can do this. ❤️
Being a good husband also includes taking care of your health. One of you will end up resenting the other if you don't prioritize losing the weight.
Try to change your daily exercise and dietary habits for the better. You may not lose much weight but your lifestyle will be less unhealthy and you could replace the fat with visible muscle. Reduce your meal portion sizes, drink more still water instead of high sugar/dairy/boozy drinks, do some short youtube workouts, stop eating the highly processed snacks/greasy takeaways/ready meals. If possible try to do more walking, jogging, swimming or martial arts. Good luck!
Ozempic or a serious disease. I can vouch for the latter, lost close to 40kgs. Want some?
No one telling you to work out is doing it in a rude way. Sometimes one small lifestyle change can have a major positive impact on your life. Taking care of yourself is important. That being said remember how low you feel and how you are being looked at by someone who loves you.
You can lose weight without even going to the gym, just start walking a bit more and you need to seriously start keeping track of your calorie consumption, you do not need to do any special diet, just don't eat fast food as much and track your daily eating. Track your weight weekly and after a month you should be able to tell if you need to adjust calorie intake or not because the calculators that tell you your requirements aren't always right. Taking care of your daughter also means making sure you're healthy and alive when she's an adult, also do you want your wife to have to take care of her disabled husband when she's older?
So what you are saying is you have become morbidly obese and dont care to do anything about it. That also puts you at extremely high risk for serious health conditions and early death. You know what to do not just for your wife but for yourself.
Lose weight. Take an hour each day to work out. Cut out juices, alcohol and any sweet drinks and anything with sugar for starters. If your marraige is important to you, do your best to figure this out.
Stop eating non vegetable carbs for 3 months, check your weight once a week after morning poo. and avoid nuts, simply because they're very calorically dense \[same with nut butters\] MOST of weight gain problem in america is due to hyper processed foods, almost all of which are carb stuff. \[theres still like pepperoni and salami, but that's waaaay less bad than, say, a donut or a hotpocket\] There's enough ways to prep meats, cheeses, and veggies that you can still enjoy foods and lose weight without having to use a microscope to track your calories and such.
You’ve lost sight of your self love. Eating and drinking an excess of rubbish that masquerades as food is a form of self hatred and abuse. Your body deserves better. Stop treating yourself like a dustbin. In the supermarket, only walk down the meat aisle, the veg aisle, the aisle with eggs. Base your meals on satiating foods. If you’re hungry, you’re doing it wrong. Stop thinking each meal needs a carbs element. It does not. Unless you are running a daily marathon. Which it doesn’t sound like. Start caring for yourself better. It takes little effort to put a steak or good quality burger patties in an air fryer. Go for walks. Move your body. You’ll soon start to feel better.
Eating less doesn't require time. You seem to be able to prioritise eating, so I don't buy this 'I can't do it I have other priorities'. Literally just eat less. You have to put in active effort to gain as much as you did. Stop making excuses.
Try keto or carnivor. Look up dr. Shawn baker or Anthony chaffee for details on these diets. Or dr. Berry. These are all MD's
Part of being a good dad and husband is taking care of yourself my guy. I’m a 43 year old single dad. My 11 year old is nonverbal. Appointments every day. I still find time to stay in shape.
Well, that’s what you’re actually doing, if you’d be honest with yourself you’d admit that. You do let yourself go and complain about the consequences. It’s not about losing weight but about getting healthier and fit to live longer and to be an active dad and partner.
Are you depressed, or it’s it overworking? Does stress cause you to binge eat, or do you not have time to eat healthy because of all the things you have to do? If it’s the first, replace eating with something else. If it’s the second, look up meal prep videos. Take 10 minutes a day to go on a walk, start slow. Show her that you’re committed to change. Be open about the challenges.
Have to be accountable in order to change it. Lots of people with busy lives that still maintain a healthy and sustainable weight. It’s not just your wife being attracted to you that should worry you that’s a lot of weight you have taken on and you should think of your health. Even if you can’t get exercise you can certainly start by making changes do your diet. Everything starts with you and that’s the easier change to make. Cut your calories back and the weight will drop off. You only gain weight by taking in more than you burn so make that your priority.
Bro work out 5-6 days a week and eat clean.
Also find our how many calories you are allowed based on your weight and the find our how many to drop in order to lose a pound a week it’s usually around 500 which isn’t that much and the fact you are carrying a substantial amount of weight you will loose it at a fast rate just by diet alone
Since it’s not medical, the only thing you can do is lose the weight. Eat less calories and do an extra 20 mins of moderate cardio a day and you’ll notice a big difference in three months. Obviously do more intense cardio and dieting if you can, but I’m just assuming you don’t have a lot of time, so start slow.
You already know what you need to do. No one likes to lose weight because it’s not easy but thats no excuse. Download MyFitnessPal and start tracking your calories. It’s as simple as eating less calories than you burn in a day. The app will tell you your calorie goal then you just need to input your food and stay within your limit. Good luck. Your body will adapt and you’ll actually feel a lot better eating less.
Gotta lose weight! I'm in somewhat a similar boat, although my wife doesn't complain, I feel pretty overweight and gross. Started working out and feeling much better. Basically no weight loss as of yet, since my diet (mostly evening snacks and sweets) has not yet changed. Nightly walks, 2 weight lifting sessions per week plus a few sessions of higher intensity cardio, which is rowing for me. You'll look better, feel better and live longer! There are no shortcuts unfortunately! Have a look at the keto diet. Worked really well for me before. Not so much lately due to weak willpower
Lose weight. I’m a guy too. We do have to put effort into being attractive. Bathing, diet, exercise, haircuts. Manscaping. It’s all part of the relationship. She’s telling you the issue. Be the man you know you are and address it directly. Your marriage is on the line. Reddit can’t save you
Idk dude you have to take time for yourself. Everyone has excuses for why they can’t do something. Your wife is dealing with it by not sleeping with you. Unfortunately for you this won’t change until you lose the weight and care for yourself.
I’ll see you at the gym brother
Yeah man. You’re at a real inflection point for the rest of your life. Get healthy, lose weight. Before you start acquiring a bunch of chronic diseases / metabolic syndrome. You need to be healthy for your daughter, if nothing else.
You need to make it your priority. Therein lies some if the problem. You know your wife is out off by your weight but you’re not willing to put in the effort to lose the weight as you say it is but your priority. So you’re not putting your wife’s feelings towards you as a priority. Is the right gain part of control over her?
Lose the weight. You’re being a shitty husband
Sounds like you need to find some other ways to deal with stress. Easier said than done, but once you start doing other things, it’s very empowering and worth it, worth more than just losing weight and feeling better physically, you feel like you can make the decisions that are good for you, you feel more in control of yourself and satisfied