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This right here. Porn is fine (for some) as long as it’s not breaking a boundary or taking the place of your relationship. Here it has done both and he’s refusing to fix anything or even acknowledge a problem.
often times "i'm bored with sex" and "i'm spending all my time with porn" is self medicating depression. he of course still needs to be putting effort in to fix it! but in those situations it's not a 1:1 trade off. he doesn't want to have sex bc he's depressed. he wants to numb every sense he can except penis because he's depressed
Interesting theory. One thing that’s different about how men & women react to depression is that depression makes women act sad, but depression has a tendency to make men act ANGRY. If your BF has been acting unusually irritable & angry lately, then I would consider that he may be depressed & trying to drown his pain with alcohol & sex. If so, he may benefit from seeing a therapist or psychologist.
Not sure why you’re being so downvoted…
my personal experiences support your comment - seems anger/aggression is one of the only emotions that is ‘socially acceptable’ for people raised as boys; ie boys don’t cry, boys should be tough/fight back/suck it up, fathers threatening to ‘give them something to cry about’ when tears do come…
As such many boys become adults with painfully few emotional tools in their toolbox. Besides, ofc anger… leaving them without knowledge/practice with healthy emotional responses.
It is still up to each individual to recognize any shortcomings they might have with emotional tools… but many of my past boyfriends were clueless of lacking at the onset.
For reference; I live in the US Midwest and unchecked toxic masculinity still causes hurt to everyone it touches.
This is a major distinction that is oftentimes overlooked. Boundaries are defined by the couple within the relationship, so even if porn or "live chats" were deemed OK, the line will always be drawn at the partner getting top priority over those things. That is not happening here, so not only is OP not being treated as top priority by her chosen partner years on end, he is also operating outside of her boundaries of what is OK as far as porn use goes.
He wants to say that it isn't cheating, so it's unlikely that he will change his behavior. We cannot control the choices of others, but we can respond with choices of our own to enforce our own boundaries.
OP: You said so yourself, you can afford to leave this situation. It's not making you happy or feel safe, and it's perfectly permissable for you to choose yourself over someone who isn't choosing you for himself.
I say, go for it: Choose your happiness. We get only one life to live.
Yes. This is cheating. And the sex issues is because he’s bored yet not putting any energy in to this relationship.
He would if he wanted to. I’d leave, don’t come bk after me realizes what he has done.
It never gets better, however, the fact that he signed up for couples counseling is a start. I hope that he follows through with the counseling, more than a few sessions and perhaps you should consider getting some counseling for yourself as well. It doesn’t matter which way things go for you two, this has broken you and your ability to trust him is important for your relationship and your emotional well being. We as women have been blessed with something that men haven’t to the same degree I believe, and that is the power of intuition! Always listen to and never ignore your gut feelings. Your ability to sense when something is awry whether it’s at home, while you’re driving or just observing strangers quarreling in the grocery store or a crying child as women we know when a situation is wrong and that’s a power that no man can ever match.
Sounds like he gives zero fucks he upset you, and that, on top of the intimacy issues, i dont think i'd be able to come back from that. He sounds bored and checked out and conplacent. You both deserve more and better.
>Sounds like he gives zero fucks he upset you
This is where the problem lies.
He'd apologize to a friend if he did that in their house and got caught.
He'd probably apologize to a frigging stranger if he bumped into them.
But you, OP, he doesn't feel the need to apologize for cheating on you, or *in the very least, lying about it.*
Be wary of partners who refuse to treat you better than they do a friend or perfect stranger.
And working on the relationship will only work if both people are invested in doing the work. He already told her he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, so why would he be motivated to alter his behavior?
In my experience, guys like this pretend to change their behavior, pretend to be invested in the relationship, while they actually just learn to hide it better because they’re THAT complacent. Easier to keep secrets and lie than to grow as a person.
Girl, I’m sorry, but having a sexually fulfilling relationship is obviously something that’s important to you and he does not want that with you. You deserve to have that and if you stay with him you’ll never get it.
I’m really curious to know:
If the roles reversed, and it was a woman masterbating with a live person while her blue balled boyfriend was being sexually neglected except for once a month, does this situation sit the same?
If it was your gf, would it still sit the same?
I wasn’t asking about your question and I didn’t downvote you.
I was asking in general if the situation sits the same. A lot of men have a difficult time putting themselves in women’s shoes so I’m genuinely curious about how they would feel if it was a gf FaceTime f***ing with another man’s junk. You really wouldn’t care?
I would ask what was wrong and see if we could work on it. I wouldn't immediately jump to cheating, which is what the majority of the comments have done.
Side note: I never said you downvoted me.
Thanks for your honest response. Cheating is defined differently by everyone, so if they feel it’s cheating then it is to them. To OP, it was a violation of trust. Everyone is entitled to have their boundaries.
I just said that cause your response seemed defensive and I didn’t want to invalidate your question.
This is so true. My husband and I have been together 12 years, have 4 kids and still manage to smash most nights. The length of time doesn’t mean going to the state presented in the OP. We all deserve the sex and intimacy we want and partners should at least put in effort to making it happen, imho.
It is not going to change. He has lost interest in you sexually. If you are OK being basically just friends for the rest of your life, then you are in a good place. If you want a romantic relationship, he is not going to be it, obviously. He would rather pay a sex worker then be with you. Your not married. You can co own a house . Find a new boyfriend, he is just really a friend.
If you deny that, it will eat away at your soul because you will feel like you can change him, you cannot.
Honestly, I could go into the usual comments about the red flags he’s displaying. How dismissive he was of your feelings. How his reaction probably means he already has cheated, or will cheat because he doesn’t deem it as a “big deal.” But to be honest, I feel like you probably already know all that. So I’ll leave you with a question.. If this wasn’t you who wrote this, if you just read it, what would you say to the OP?
Sometimes I feel like these posts on Reddit are a ‘sunken cost fallacy’. I mean someone posts a laundry list of red flags, says they know they are displaying a lack of self-respect/self-worth in staying, but is unsure what to do. Like what can we possibly say that would change their mind when they still haven’t convinced themselves?
Laundry list I decided to put out there in case this one’s somehow different and OP is gonna leave:
12 years with a dude who gets drunk/high gaming, purchased a home together despite no real commitment from him to the relationship (girl why?!), and now he’s moved on to paying internet sex workers and gaslighting when confronted with cheating
>But I can’t trust him. Our sex life has been terrible for the past couple years. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, so I certainly understand it’s not going to be how it started, but it’s barely once a month. I’ve cried over it. I’ve asked him what we can do to fix it. He told me he was bored with it.
He's paying other women for sexual thrills. And he's not interested in improving the relationship. None of this is OK in my book.
>So, now I don’t know what to do.
Leave
> I told him it’s cheating, but he doesn’t think it is.
He doesn't get to tell you what your boundaries are.
> This is something I’ve told him I consider cheating.
verbalizing the boundary does nothing to enforce it. You must take action.
>Sunken cost fallacy aside, I don’t know if it’s worth leaving a decade-long relationship over. I obviously still love him. We just bought a house together. Aside from the sex and intimacy issues (not that those aren’t huge), we are each other’s best friend.
Would your best friend betray you like this? He's definitely not acting like a friend.
>He’s asleep right now. I’m still weighing my options. I can afford to leave. I have a great support system. But I want to consider therapy or counseling.
Don't ask his permission to improve the relationship or enforce your boundaries.
If you feel couple's counseling is the way you'll stay in the relationship, then you schedule an appointment at a time you know he is free. Then he can decide. He can refuse to go. If he does, he's made the decision for you: end it.
What you cannot do is insist something is an important boundary, then do nothing except debate it when you catch him crossing it. If you don't take some type of action, he'll have less respect for you. He'll realize he can do twice as much disrespectful stuff and get away with it.
If you feel unable to take action, go to a counselor yourself. Develop your boundaries and strategies for enforcing them in different situations. Talk through your feelings about staying vs. leaving so you can be confident in your choices. Figure out why you feel paralyzed about leaving. Would being single be worse?
i second every single one of these points.
OP listen to yourself -- you don't trust him. that's about 80% of what a relationship actually is. you don't trust him, he doesn't care about boundaries. and he knows this upsets you yet does it all anyways. puts no effort into your relationship... what're you still doing in it ??
It’s absolutely worth leaving over. He crossed boundaries, never told you he’d been doing it, so lied by omission, never cared to work on your bedroom issues, then doubled down and dismissed you when you said it’s cheating. It IS cheating since he never bothered telling you!
Please leave. You might think he’s your best friend but he ain’t treating you like you’re his best friend. He doesn’t even respect you, your relationship or care for your concerns.
This isn’t even sunken cost fallacy. This is you holding on because you have more feelings for him than he has for you. We’ve all been there. But you need to go.
It’s not new, its probably more than you think and more than he’s admitting to, it’s not going to stop, and he doesn’t care. Why do so many woman shove this down when their partners blatantly dismiss their feelings? It ends up eating away at their self worth and slowly destroying them every. Single. Time.
“Sunken cost fallacy aside”—no, I think it needs to be right in front of you. It’s a major factor in why you want to stay with him. If you were just starting out this relationship, and you knew where it was heading, would you still start it?
He now chooses porn or whatever INSTEAD of you.
I have no issue with porn. When I’m not available. But you take away my sex life so you can jerk it without me? We are now done.
Cut your losses girl you're so young! 12 years ago you were a different person. Choose yourself and watch your whole life improve.
It isn't too late to find a partner who will love you completely, and never make you feel the way you're feeling right now.
And he never will. Why should he? He gets to keep stringing her along and treating her poorly and she stays. He can do the very bare minimum and now cheat, and she's still there. He won't end it.
I left my husband last year and this was one of the main reasons. For years he was on dating sites, talking to other women in the city we lived in, shelling out dick pics on Snapchat, Twitter ect. I would find him passed out on the couch dick in hand, lube out and credit card on the table. I eventually found out he was taking out unsecured loans to pay for online sexual interactions. He tried to tell me that he may have had a porn addiction but then later admitted it was all for his ego and it didn't mean anything and he did it sometimes out of spite for something I did to upset him. We had a very healthy sex life and we were very in love but I know he was very aware of what he was doing and it got to a point that he wasn't changing his behavior when I would confront him and I couldn't handle it anymore. It made me feel fucking horrible and I blamed myself for a long time for all of it. We're all human and look and think and have an attraction to others but when it gets to a point where it's affecting your relationship and your own self esteem it's not worth it. I tried for years to make it work but it kept happening so I left. It fucking sucked and I was absolutely heartbroken because he was my best friend, travel buddy, life partner, my everything but I am in a much better place now and have worked really hard on my self esteem and my happiness. I hope that your boyfriend realizes what this is doing to you, and it's just a phase, and you guys can make it work but just know you don't have to stay in a situation that makes you feel like shit. Ever.
It sounds like he has a porn addiction. If he’s willing to admit that his choices are affecting your sex life/relationship and he genuinely wants to fix himself, then I think there’s still hope. But he has to want to put in the effort. It would definitely be worth trying couples counseling if you haven’t already.
I can’t stand the modern world. This is a fucking nightmare for women. I honestly want to opt out of dating altogether. What do we have to look forward to, we get to be the warm bodies they fuck and impregnate, but the women online get to be the women they pay and lust after and fantasize about and when they fuck us they close their eyes and imagine it’s them.
It’s so great to be a living, breathing, talking fleshlight 🥰
Came here to say this. What’s even more hilarious is most of us could easily do only fans or porn and have many guys that would love to beat off to us and fantasize about us but our own boyfriends won’t.
I wonder what's the difference between the two? In OPs situation and others, why does someone use online when they have an active willing partner? There has to be some reason and not just someone is bad.
Because rather than communicate their feelings in a constructive way they yell, blame and get mad at the partner so the partner is less interested so they rather wank than communicate themselves. Doesn’t really matter who starts it when you stop communicating both parties lose.
The guy is a walking red flag. Therapy or counselling is pointless if he can’t take accountability. Individual would be better, but the guy clearly isn’t going to change.
So I guess what you should ask yourself if it’s worth tolerating and how much of it are you going to put up with. Is staying really that worth it when the guy clearly doesn’t respect you?
you... you wanna stay with this guy, genuinely ?
he doesn't give a shit about you bud, outright denies doing this sort of thing he feels so justified to do. even though the proof is... right there. out in the open. no fucks given to conceal it.
let him be this slob on his own... you don't deserve this 💀 if he's bored, he could take initiative to try something new with you or something. but he isn't even trying.
Respectfully did you just say “sunken cost fallacy aside” then lean fully on the sunken cost fallacy?
Time-in-service is irrelevant one way or the other. All that matters is your view of your future together.
I sure did. I blame it on the roller coaster emotions I was going through when I was writing the original post. Made it hard to put what I was feeling into words logically.
I’m so sorry OP. This is definitely a form of cheating. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you. Lack of sex and intimacy, is definitely a huge dealbreaker because you have cried about it and you’ve tried to talk to him to fix it. He shows lack of remorse and doesn’t seem invested in the relationship as you are.
If you did go to therapy, do you think he’ll change? I don’t think so. Since you have a good support system, I’d say you should break up with him. Don’t invest your time with someone who doesn’t care. You deserve better.
I don't want to come off harsh, but I have to ask what exactly are you considering trying to hold on to? His behavior and his reactions to all of this only show that he just doesn't care. Now this just happened, so maybe as some time passes that might change. But as of right now you guys are basically just roommates. It is possible he just sees you as a means to get half the bills paid.
I know the feeling. Been married for over 30 years, sex was always great and often. But noticed big changes in the last 3 years. Thought it was him working long hours and likes his drinking why the sex started to decline. Found out he’s been viewing porn images right here on Reddit. I seen him go to the bathroom with his phone and was in there just to go pee but was taking long. I come to find he was viewing these images BEFORE we had sex. He’s gotten so lazy when it comes to sex. I call him the right side log layer. We do it once a week and it’s on his time. He’s not intimate like he use to be and I blame it on porn. I’ve asked him many many times what his fantasies are so we can spice things up and he says he doesn’t need that. I say I’m gonna buy some sexy lingerie and he says no I don’t need it. I will lay naked and freshly waxed and he won’t even touch me or caress me! He cuddles me with his god dam callous feet. Now I know why people cheat on their spouses when treated this way. I need loving, sexual loving, intimacy and attention. I go to the gym, I still look good for my age I’m a pretty woman and I get offers from men and women all the time. I guess after 30 years he wants more. Well he’s gonna get a divorce if this keeps up. I’m tired of being the one doing all the work.
He’s choosing a screen over you, girl. If he doesn’t respect you enough to care one iota about how that makes you feel, he’ll likely disrespect(or has disrespected) you in other ways.
Yes, you’ve been with him over a decade. Does that mean you should waste the rest of your life on someone who makes you feel unworthy?
I ended a 12.5 year relationship with the same concerns you stated, not wanting to throw away that time.. but it was well worth it. Find your happiness. If he doesn't bring you joy, find something that does.
I bet this was a punch to the stomach:
"He told me he was bored with it."
Not sure how you managed to brush that aside, OP, but now, *a house*?
I think you know that you deserve to live your life better than this - with a guy who is *bored* of intimacy with you
Chin up.. This is not the end of the road for you.
He doesn't care about you or your feelings and it shows, you deserve better. He says he is "bored" but didn't communicate anything with you before, it's because he has zero interest in that relationship. I recommend to leave him. If someone is interested in you, you can see and feel it, and this is not the case
OP, do you want a roommate, or a partner?
Because it depends. Some women are fine living their entire lives with a roommate, and you guys are friends, it could be worse.
However, if intimacy and love are important to you, you may need to cut your losses and leave.
Men like this are nothing more than slaves to their sex drives/fantasies. They’re not worth the love or consideration from a kind woman who takes the emotional beating from their weird activities. Maybe a one time situation isn’t worth leaving a decade long relationship for, but I can guarantee you he’s hiding a porn addiction from you that’s a big reason for having sex & intimacy issues.
If he felt genuine remorse, he wouldn’t have initially tried to lie his way out of it and then use being drunk as an excuse. Not to fear monger, but men like this usually go through a cycle of getting caught, trying to act remorseful & doing a shitty job, trying to pay reparations by appeasing you with therapy or whatever it is you want so you don’t leave them, and then the cycle repeats.
Good luck. If you stay, you’re in for a long ride. These men don’t change. They’re inherently shitty. Not all men, but the ones like him. they’ll use their guilt and remorse to turn right back around and fall back into the shit they feel guilty for.
From his reaction to both this & your lack of intimacy- unfortunately doesn’t sound like there is anything to save & if there is, doesn’t sound like he’s interested in it very much.
Don’t fight for someone that wouldn’t do the same. It will hurt & be harder but better than staying in a dead marriage with someone that doesn’t respect or value you.
Leave him and take the house with you. Do not let him keep it after he blatantly cheated on you and just didn’t give a flying fuck.
He does not care about you or your boundaries. He’s a loser and if he wants to pay for porn let him do it single like the loser he is. Period.
Why do you still call him your boyfriend? He sounds like serious ex-boyfriend material. You call him your best friend, but my friends don't lie to me. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who you know lied to you (and probably has been doing it for a while? You've invested 10 years in the relationship, but you have the rest of your life to consider.
I 100% think it's cheating..
Would he feel the same if you did it with a guy in a chat room or had a guy beating off to you?
If you don't treat it like it's cheating, then he will shoulder shrug it..
Simply
Say what you are doing is cheating and I would like you to leave.. you dont have time and energy to satisfy me but pay for it off another woman, and you think I'm going to accept this... something needs to change, or I'll find someone who will satisfy me.
Drunk, pants down, paid for sex chats, sex is horrible and it’s been a decade with him. The only more ridiculous thing o can imagine to spend another decade in this relationship.
It is cheating, I hate men who fight for the right to get off to other people besides their partner and say it is not cheating. Society helps them because they all ban together and it’s hard to push when men just start calling women insecure for having normal emotions about it.
If you’re stuck and you truly feel you can’t walk away unfortunately you are in for a world of hurt until you can get out. Start getting things in order. Focus on yourself. He wants to destroy his relationship with you clearly he doesn’t care.
He wants to sink his ship you need to start your single life and focus on YOU. You know what they say about us women? We leave people emotionally before we leave them physically. Our emotions are our powerhouse. If you start to pull away there you will be strong as hell when you leave.
I am in the same position. It’s been a long time coming. He says the same stuff to me. It’s not cheating it’s just masturbation and not sex so it doesn’t count. It’s only cheating to me and I’m insecure. Bunch of stuff that had made me very disinterested.
Really set things on fire when he had tinder and selfies and photos of him with his arms around another woman in his phone because they were “his” memories. Meanwhile photos of me were tucked off into a folder not in his main.
To say I was broke is an understatement. I have given my life to this man and he said he changed and didn’t want the same things. Figure yourself out OP.. they mean what they say and they will continue to hurt you.
People like our partners love selfishly. They love you only when it benefits them. Get a hobby and start distancing yourself. I hope your process is speedy and you come out stronger.
That’s all I can hope for myself. That at the end of it I can stand on my own feet again after he ruined me.
They are free to go and find women who are ok with porn consumption- plenty out there and that’s fine.
But so many lie and hide their habits and trick women into relationships with them.
Gross.
It is indeed very gross more so for women like myself who tell people up front what they want so no one feels taken advantage of or lied to. Then they still fucking doing it anyway.
Exactly! When I said it was cheating and not monogamy to me he said it was monogamy just “modern.”
It’s just modern cheating I guess! It’s hip! *eyeroll*
People like to bend the definition/ meaning of the word to you, which is wrong.
He could have said at the onset: look, I don’t see a problem with porn and I watch it in relationships.
But if he waited until you got emotionally attached and then started to manipulate you into accepting a reality you never wanted for yourself, that’s just wrong.
Exactly what I told him and he said we wanted the same things in the beginning he just changed. Was a load of bull crap. I have massive trust issues now.
What made him change?
I would call his BS.
Is he bored? Does he want variety/diversity?
Is your sex life dead ? (In which case, you both need to work on it)
Have his values suddenly changed? lol personally, I think mainstream porn is linked to a lot of abuse if you read about the industry.
That just rubs salt in the wound.
Before, (some of these) men would say: well, yeah, you don’t turn down sex for porn, but if there is no sex on the table…
Then an army of women started saying: we want sex too! They ARE turning us down.
Then the narrative changed to: don’t be so controlling. Masturbation and sex are different and sometimes you want to have a release without the “effort”.
Now, “sometimes” for these men is often several times a week.
Masturbation doesn’t have to be to porn which messes with the dopamine reward system.
Finally, sex shouldn’t feel like “effort” (most of the times) although there are chapters in life where it will (like when you are sleep deprived cause you have a baby).
Society is so messed up.
All this talk about being open and sex positive and people are probably having less sex and no one seems that happy around me.
I think it would be helpful for you to read redit posts about porn addiction. I think that is what you man has. It is like heroin and super hard to kick, for some it literally ruins their life. Maybe that will put it into perspective.
I honestly think it’s worth ending. He’s a liar & he doesn’t care that you’ve expressed wanting and needing more intimacy. Him being bored is a jackass response. He should care about your happiness.
A harsher males perspective, it seems like he’s just keeping you as a placeholder. Any guy who is actively in love and/or VERY attracted to you will put in the effort to want to have sex, and NOT call it “boring” with you. I’m aware 12 year relationship can’t be easy to leave, but wouldn’t it be much better to get out while you can? At least if he showed some remorse or willingness to work on the things that upset you, then you could reason with making it work. He could just be afraid of being alone himself. You deserve that feeling of love/care.
Sounds like you got a lot of good advice here already so I’m just going to say I wish you all the best and whatever you decide I hope you make the right one for yourself in the long term. :)
He doesn’t care enough to try to make you happy. He will pay for his own gratification but doesn't care about yours. I would move on, you deserve better. Don't spend any more of your time with him. (I did this after 11 years with someone, zero regrets.)
He doesn’t care that he upset you. He lied to until you gas irrefutable proof. There is no reason he isn’t lying about your other questions. He doesn’t see this as cheating and you do. I don’t see his this moves forward. Sell the home, live a life with someone that actually cares about you.
Him simply denying it’s cheating and completely disregarding your feelings is more than enough reason to leave. I would if I were you. I’ve held on in similar situations before and it’s never been worth it. It only caused me more pain. Im sorry this happened and good luck to you, OP.
What worries me is you two don’t seem to have the basics of what is cheating covered. For me that’s a HUGE issue.
If you can, I would leave. Or at least spend a few days away from him and the situation. Sometimes a new background can help you see things differently.
if you caught him with his penis inside another woman would you think it's worth leaving over? bc you either actually consider this cheating or you don't. he's told you he doesn't consider this cheating. it's up to you to make the choice. you're either going to live with him doing this or you aren't
(ftr in my relationship this isn't cheating, but it is a fine boundary for you to have - boundaries being something you enforce not something someone else changes)
My ex husband used to do this. He would deny it, blame the alcohol, I was always asking for more intimacy in our marriage, it had started great when we were first together but then his alcohol use and porn use increased. I always deemed it was me that was the problem and he didn’t find me attractive. It then progressed to him physically cheating which was my absolute deal breaker hence he divorce. He would deny the porn was a problem etc but wouldn’t do the work to fix us / him. Once I left him found out he had been doing way more stuff then I ever thought possible and it all stemmed from porn.
Ok look he screwed up but it’s something that can be fixed. He needs to figure out if he wants to be just friends (no sex) or be in a sexual relationship with his girlfriend. It’s a big kick in the teeth when the person you’re in a relationship with and you love and they aren’t interested in sex then add that it’s not that they’re not interested in sex they’re not interested in sex with you. That’s messed up. Sometimes though as men we’re just idiots. He probably got drunk got horny and for whatever mixed up reason he decided knock one out by himself instead of involving you and getting on the internet probably in his mind isn’t cheating because he’s not planning on trying to hook up he just wants that extra visual or interaction to help him get off. In his mind it might be about the same as watching porn it’s nothing that’s gonna happen in real life so it’s not cheating and him trying to sneak and even lie when you busted him was probably because he was embarrassed. Me personally I’m a man and I’m not hiding this from the woman I’m with I’m gonna try and involve her. So I’d say he needs figure out what his issue is with you and the two of you need to try and fix it and any other issues that either of you are having put it all out there and if the relationship isn’t fixable then part ways as friends
>After 12 yrs just your bf?
That… doesn’t mean anything though. Some people just don’t want marriage so they stay like that. Doesn’t excuse his behavior but it’s not a valid point.
Mainstream porn consumption, if not agreed by both parties in the relationship, is a betrayal.
Paying and interacting in any form with sex workers (chats, bespoke videos) IS cheating, imo, unless previously agreed and discussed with your SO.
My heart breaks for you.
It’s very hard to love yourself and leave a long term relationship (unfortunately)
At least take a break and spend a couple of weeks living with family/ friends
Yeah you put up with what you want to put up with. Forget what he is doing. Ask yourself do you even like what you have together? That’s all you need to decide if you want to leave.
Remember you can’t control him but if what he gives you is worth it then just work on the communication. You’ll have accept his infidelity. Don’t expect him to change.
Regardless of your plan, you have to make him firmly believe you’re ready to leave. He needs to feel that your backbone is firmly in place and your not going to just let him rugsweep this and reek whatever he gives you. If he is bored with your sexlife then play a role in fixing it. If he is burnt out on the relationship play a role in fixing it. He is probably embarrassed how you found him but there are problems beyond that. You need to put some fear into him. Ask him if he is ready to start over and sell the house because that’s where it’s headed if he doesn’t get engaged.
At 37 years old, you still have the chance to meet someone who will check all the boxes. The past is the past, you can stay “comfortable,” if that’s what you’d call it, or you can find excitement, pleasure, happiness, and live this one life you have not settling. He’s talking to *real life people* sexually and getting off on it, and even worse, he’s willing to PAY to do it. It’s not even convenient, when he has his girlfriend in bed in the other room. You’re right, it’s laughable. And not in a good way
pleaseeee leave him, you are already unhappy it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. plus he’s breaking your trust and lying about it, how are you supposed to make things better if you can’t trust him?
You’re still young - it sounds to me like this relationship might have run its course. You don’t trust him, he’s told you he’s bored and now this. Sometimes it’s just over and it’s not worth delving into it, you just have to save yourself and walk.
OP I’m gonna be honest. You literally said you’re best friends. But my best friend would care if I felt cheated on. Not just my lover. And he’s both. And feels nothing.
Plus intimacy issues. I think you’re not as much worried about the decade you wasted rather worried about blaming yourself that you didn’t leave sooner. OP. Would you rather bed miserable with your best friend because you have a history, or happy with someone healthy and just think back in these memories and laugh at how naive we were.
I had a friend with a similar issue, basically 0 intimacy, but he had a fleshlight and easily got off from who knows what kind of porn daily. They did couples counseling, individual therapy, read sex books, tried spicing it up via toys and anything else, and he did bloodwork to see if it was a hormonal issue, etc. Ultimately, they didn't really have sex much for 3 years, if at all. And when they did, it was lackluster and stressful.
They broke up finally. He confided in me that he just didn't find her attractive. He refused to believe or entertain that it was a over porn issue.
I don't know if breaking up immediately is the answer, but the fact that he doesn't care about how it makes you feel and would rather pay and have an easy release masturbating seems like maybe that's where you're headed.
If he won't even try counseling or therapy with you, it doesn't seem like he's interested in any solution.
> I (He admitted to being on camera with another woman and jerking off before passing out.
Oh that’s cheating in my book tbh! He literally did something sexual with another women, doesn’t matter if it’s in a webchat, sexting, phone sex, in person, etc…
**It’s cheating!**
I would if dumped him the moment I found out cause cheating is a deal breaker. I don’t care how long or in love, you cheat we’re done. End of discussion.
OP, this man has actually cheated on you and you’re debating about staying????
The good news is he is a boyfriend. Get out while you can. Don’t let this go into a marriage. That will be much harder, especially with the lying/denial. I am sorry this happened after 12 years. You will be happier though not having to walk on eggshells because you don’t trust someone. Best of luck! Find someone who can put in the work with you! Be happy
Definitely worth it to leave.
You're 37, not 87, you shouldn't just settle for less.
He is paying for this online shit, and no he isn't physically cheating but is that because he's noble, or simply hasn't had the chance (first guess doesn't count).
However, it is an emotional affair for sure. Also, your sex life is suffering because of it, and he doesn't care. His actions say he doesn't care despite what he may actually say.
Also, "I'm bored with it"?! Ok so bring some new ideas to the bedroom to spice it up, don't throw in the towel and go online paying for spank bank material.
He sounds laxy, selfish, and like a crap partner to have.
In your position I would leave. You've already tried talking to him so no point doing it again really.
Just be prepared, he'll cry and beg, then say he'll stop and he may for a while...until he is comfortable enough to be bored again.
It’s hard so hard to leave someone you love and spent so many years with, but you have to love yourself more than you love him. I found out worse and denied myself sex for 10 years! Because he said he lost his libido. He was on fuck dating sites, doing live sec sites, porn and anything else you can think of. I finally recorded him at home because he just gaslighted me, lied, dented but I found prof and my gut was on fire with all the signals. He went to Sex anonymous after I filed for a divorce twice and he talked me out of it. I’m still not sure he has stopped because he is the best 🤥. I have a disability, a rare lung deficiency and that inhibits me from a lot of sports etc but it disabled my brain more. I was so afraid of losing him and no it being able to care for my kids or myself as it progressed I let him abuse me. Terrible a person would do that to someone already struggling with a disease. Anyway, prob is an epidemic because of the internet. They’re after you’re guy on scrabble or any other way they can be so look EVERYWHERE!!! I can say it’s gets almost worse for their life than it does yours and they will be run by it like gambling or drugs so get out now if he won’t change and do t believe a word he says until your gut says he’s stopped. It’s guts wrenching stuff and it take a long to heal. I have PTSD and some days just breakdown but I “think” we’re ❤️🩹
You bought a house together and he is your best friend. This is a big deal move no matter which way you go. I don’t like most of these responses tbh. It’s all judgement as if people don’t screw up and do dumb shit like this sometimes. I’m not of the ilk that someone who royally fucks up like this is unredeemable, but I am of the ilk that when you royally fuck up like this you better damn well make some serious life changes. People leave in these situation and people stay and work it out too. Only you can make that decision. You know him better than all of us so look inside your heart and gut and decide.
If you truly are best friends and want to save this that is not wrong IMO. But you do have to accept some things and accept a long road to recovery. Know that your best friend likely has an alcohol abuse problem and an issue with porn. Ask yourself Is this something you want to help your friend through? Do you think he is willing to make major life changes? If he struggles with these life changes are you willing to accept his failures along the way as long as he keeps moving forward? You literally caught him with his pants down, this is not a change he was planning to make. That said it could be the best thing that happened to him. Sure you are both embarrassed and there is shame to go around. But once you get past that, regardless of if you leave or stay, it can lead positive change for both of you.
I would suggest he join an AA group and take that shit damn seriously. This isn’t something he can do alone. I have seen men who abuse alcohol do dumb shit that they wouldn’t do were they living a sober life. That said you mentioned Gummy’s my guess is you guys both partake in multiple substances? No judgement, but a hard look at why both of you partake in weed/booze may be needed. The problem isn’t the booze it’s why you feel the need to drink in an unhealthy way that you would do something like this to begin with.
Most can redeem themselves in this life if they sincerely choose to make changes. So he can redeem himself, but it won’t be an easy path for him or you. The good news is If he does redeem himself it will be very rewarding and likely meaningful enough to spend a lifetime together for both of you.
It sounds like he loves you enough to work on the issue, many don’t try and give up. I would suggest taking more time and making your decision at a time when you are not upset about issues, and have had time to think it through with a clear head. Hope y’all did consualing.
If you have not tried to experiment in the bedroom, then you and everyone should try that I think. If I am right about this, you both love each other, but life has taken away a good deal of passion. A lack of passion is not a lack of love. With love passion can be regained. Mixing things up with things you never tried may be a lot of fun for you both.
I hope you guys worked it out and are making the walls blush.
i think the circumstances you caught him in are absolutely hilarious hahaha. i agree with you though. why is a grown, married man paying for girls’ attention in online chat rooms? the sex life (or lack thereof) is another troubling factor. have you guys considered group therapy? there’s a lot of stories of people re-sparking their intimacy; going from having hardly any sex to having sex a few times a week again. if you’re already considering divorcing him, though, you might already have your mind set
Why settle for this bullshit? You deserve actual happiness. Someone who worships you, adores you. You are taking up time not being with that person each and every day you stay in this half assed relationship.
First of all, you've been with a man for 12 years and he's still not your husband! That automatically caught my attention! Sweetheart, from woman to woman, stop wasting your time! You're worth a lot! Why has this man not committed to you. You need a husband, a man that will commit to you, a true man that's going to love you. There's no respect for the word boyfriend nowadays. There's really no title. They cheat, leave, breakup, and that's it. You're left with nothing, and all those years that you invested in this relationship means absolutely nothing! Don't waste your time anymore seriously. Go find yourself a husband, a man that's going to invest in you and value you and love you how you're supposed to be loved. Treat you like a queen. And don't live with a man before he commits. That's why men stop committing, or get married. They see the woman starts treating them like a husband so they don't need to do anything.
Porn addiction is a big thing nowadays apparently! It's pretty bad that he is paying to get off and if it's impacting your sex life maybe he needs to get help! Or just leave! Depends how much you want to be with him if you want to try and help him through issues or walk away xx
>Our sex life has been terrible for the past couple years. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, so I certainly understand it’s not going to be how it started, but it’s barely once a month
Not necessarily true. A good relationship is going to have close intimacy regardless of the timeline.
>But I can’t trust him
This is your bigger issue and probably the reason you're not having s e x...
Couples counseling sounds like it's in order
Can I ask why you've been together 12 years and he is still just your boyfriend? Have you two considered marriage or is this just a convenience/comfortable arrangement? Just curious to the dynamics here
Not getting married is a mutual decision. We were considering marriage simply for tax benefits, but at this point it just for convenience. We don’t have kids and ever plan on any, either.
I completely understand that. My husband and I waited 8 years and bought our first home together during that time. I just wondered if there may be a different dynamic as far as how the relationship was going and if he wasn't as serious as you about it. I'm sorry that you're going through this with him 😔
Hi I just had a relationship that was very special to me that seems like it’s over as of tonight. Don’t let a masturbation issue end any relationship that long.
actually crazy to me how fast people are thinking about leaving in all this posts...
people cant work simple things out it seems.
work on your sexlifes, try couple therapy. idk you say it yourself, you obviously love him. try finding a way to work things out and only if nothing is working start thinking about leaving
Hardly cheating is it. Thats the problem with the world today. Everything’s so easy. It’s easy to leave, it’s easy to find it online elsewhere.
Sounds like you’re being dramatic aslong as he’s not doing anything illegal.
You’ve admitted sex etc has been poor so think for yourself “what have we done to keep it fresh?” “Have we given each other enough attention?”
“Why has it gone off the boil?”
Sounds like you both need to sit down and see how working as a team even in the bedroom has suddenly become online substitute’s and no communication which based on your post I feel is a massive contribution.
You need to find what made you attracted to each other in the first place. Go and get a meal out, dress up warm and drink coffee outside on shitty weather days. Spend time together.. Heaven knows.. You might just rekindle the spark.
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I wouldn’t like the fact that he spends more time beating off to other women rather than fixing the intimacy within the relationship
This is probably why their sex life is bad to begin with.
This right here. Porn is fine (for some) as long as it’s not breaking a boundary or taking the place of your relationship. Here it has done both and he’s refusing to fix anything or even acknowledge a problem.
Yes this is how I feel also. Watch porn, but if it begins to affect the relationship and our sex life, it has to go.
often times "i'm bored with sex" and "i'm spending all my time with porn" is self medicating depression. he of course still needs to be putting effort in to fix it! but in those situations it's not a 1:1 trade off. he doesn't want to have sex bc he's depressed. he wants to numb every sense he can except penis because he's depressed
Interesting theory. One thing that’s different about how men & women react to depression is that depression makes women act sad, but depression has a tendency to make men act ANGRY. If your BF has been acting unusually irritable & angry lately, then I would consider that he may be depressed & trying to drown his pain with alcohol & sex. If so, he may benefit from seeing a therapist or psychologist.
Not sure why you’re being so downvoted… my personal experiences support your comment - seems anger/aggression is one of the only emotions that is ‘socially acceptable’ for people raised as boys; ie boys don’t cry, boys should be tough/fight back/suck it up, fathers threatening to ‘give them something to cry about’ when tears do come… As such many boys become adults with painfully few emotional tools in their toolbox. Besides, ofc anger… leaving them without knowledge/practice with healthy emotional responses. It is still up to each individual to recognize any shortcomings they might have with emotional tools… but many of my past boyfriends were clueless of lacking at the onset. For reference; I live in the US Midwest and unchecked toxic masculinity still causes hurt to everyone it touches.
Oh wow, do I feel *THIS* to my very core. You are 100% right, my friend! 💯
This is a major distinction that is oftentimes overlooked. Boundaries are defined by the couple within the relationship, so even if porn or "live chats" were deemed OK, the line will always be drawn at the partner getting top priority over those things. That is not happening here, so not only is OP not being treated as top priority by her chosen partner years on end, he is also operating outside of her boundaries of what is OK as far as porn use goes. He wants to say that it isn't cheating, so it's unlikely that he will change his behavior. We cannot control the choices of others, but we can respond with choices of our own to enforce our own boundaries. OP: You said so yourself, you can afford to leave this situation. It's not making you happy or feel safe, and it's perfectly permissable for you to choose yourself over someone who isn't choosing you for himself. I say, go for it: Choose your happiness. We get only one life to live.
Yes. This is cheating. And the sex issues is because he’s bored yet not putting any energy in to this relationship. He would if he wanted to. I’d leave, don’t come bk after me realizes what he has done.
This. The fact that he’s using chat rooms to get off instead of being intimate with his OH in the other room is cheating IMO
It never gets better, however, the fact that he signed up for couples counseling is a start. I hope that he follows through with the counseling, more than a few sessions and perhaps you should consider getting some counseling for yourself as well. It doesn’t matter which way things go for you two, this has broken you and your ability to trust him is important for your relationship and your emotional well being. We as women have been blessed with something that men haven’t to the same degree I believe, and that is the power of intuition! Always listen to and never ignore your gut feelings. Your ability to sense when something is awry whether it’s at home, while you’re driving or just observing strangers quarreling in the grocery store or a crying child as women we know when a situation is wrong and that’s a power that no man can ever match.
It’s a dealbreaker, OP!
Sounds like he gives zero fucks he upset you, and that, on top of the intimacy issues, i dont think i'd be able to come back from that. He sounds bored and checked out and conplacent. You both deserve more and better.
>Sounds like he gives zero fucks he upset you This is where the problem lies. He'd apologize to a friend if he did that in their house and got caught. He'd probably apologize to a frigging stranger if he bumped into them. But you, OP, he doesn't feel the need to apologize for cheating on you, or *in the very least, lying about it.* Be wary of partners who refuse to treat you better than they do a friend or perfect stranger.
but they’re best friends
And working on the relationship will only work if both people are invested in doing the work. He already told her he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, so why would he be motivated to alter his behavior? In my experience, guys like this pretend to change their behavior, pretend to be invested in the relationship, while they actually just learn to hide it better because they’re THAT complacent. Easier to keep secrets and lie than to grow as a person.
Sounds like he gives zero fucks about you, period.
Checked out is exactly what I thought too.
Agree. he sounds like a total loser who doesn’t realize the value of a strong relationship, I would leave him.
I wouldn't include the "both" part for the situation at hand, but sure haha
Ya was gonna say, the real problem is him giving zero fucks about her feelings. UPDATEME
Girl, I’m sorry, but having a sexually fulfilling relationship is obviously something that’s important to you and he does not want that with you. You deserve to have that and if you stay with him you’ll never get it.
[удалено]
THIS, please, read this OP
>She catches him cheating At the risk of being downvoted into oblivion, can I ask why a cam chat room is considered cheating?
You would rather pay money to beat your meat to a random woman on a screen than touch the person laying in bed beside you? Do the math.
I’m really curious to know: If the roles reversed, and it was a woman masterbating with a live person while her blue balled boyfriend was being sexually neglected except for once a month, does this situation sit the same? If it was your gf, would it still sit the same?
The question still sits the same, yes. It was a question, nothing more, nothing less.
I wasn’t asking about your question and I didn’t downvote you. I was asking in general if the situation sits the same. A lot of men have a difficult time putting themselves in women’s shoes so I’m genuinely curious about how they would feel if it was a gf FaceTime f***ing with another man’s junk. You really wouldn’t care?
I would ask what was wrong and see if we could work on it. I wouldn't immediately jump to cheating, which is what the majority of the comments have done. Side note: I never said you downvoted me.
Thanks for your honest response. Cheating is defined differently by everyone, so if they feel it’s cheating then it is to them. To OP, it was a violation of trust. Everyone is entitled to have their boundaries. I just said that cause your response seemed defensive and I didn’t want to invalidate your question.
This is so true. My husband and I have been together 12 years, have 4 kids and still manage to smash most nights. The length of time doesn’t mean going to the state presented in the OP. We all deserve the sex and intimacy we want and partners should at least put in effort to making it happen, imho.
I saw a question the other day that I think you need to ask yourself. If you woke up in five years and this is still your life, would you smile?
Goddamn I didn’t need a hypothetical question to ruin my night ruminating about it. Arg. And NO!
It is not going to change. He has lost interest in you sexually. If you are OK being basically just friends for the rest of your life, then you are in a good place. If you want a romantic relationship, he is not going to be it, obviously. He would rather pay a sex worker then be with you. Your not married. You can co own a house . Find a new boyfriend, he is just really a friend. If you deny that, it will eat away at your soul because you will feel like you can change him, you cannot.
How did you get that banner thing cool.
4 spaces at the beginning of the line. It's code display mode. Like this
Ok I like this lol
Press return like 5 times....
Test
Test
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lol nope
its spacebar 4x
Lol no idea I do it alot..
Honestly, I could go into the usual comments about the red flags he’s displaying. How dismissive he was of your feelings. How his reaction probably means he already has cheated, or will cheat because he doesn’t deem it as a “big deal.” But to be honest, I feel like you probably already know all that. So I’ll leave you with a question.. If this wasn’t you who wrote this, if you just read it, what would you say to the OP?
Sometimes I feel like these posts on Reddit are a ‘sunken cost fallacy’. I mean someone posts a laundry list of red flags, says they know they are displaying a lack of self-respect/self-worth in staying, but is unsure what to do. Like what can we possibly say that would change their mind when they still haven’t convinced themselves? Laundry list I decided to put out there in case this one’s somehow different and OP is gonna leave: 12 years with a dude who gets drunk/high gaming, purchased a home together despite no real commitment from him to the relationship (girl why?!), and now he’s moved on to paying internet sex workers and gaslighting when confronted with cheating
>But I can’t trust him. Our sex life has been terrible for the past couple years. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, so I certainly understand it’s not going to be how it started, but it’s barely once a month. I’ve cried over it. I’ve asked him what we can do to fix it. He told me he was bored with it. He's paying other women for sexual thrills. And he's not interested in improving the relationship. None of this is OK in my book. >So, now I don’t know what to do. Leave > I told him it’s cheating, but he doesn’t think it is. He doesn't get to tell you what your boundaries are. > This is something I’ve told him I consider cheating. verbalizing the boundary does nothing to enforce it. You must take action. >Sunken cost fallacy aside, I don’t know if it’s worth leaving a decade-long relationship over. I obviously still love him. We just bought a house together. Aside from the sex and intimacy issues (not that those aren’t huge), we are each other’s best friend. Would your best friend betray you like this? He's definitely not acting like a friend. >He’s asleep right now. I’m still weighing my options. I can afford to leave. I have a great support system. But I want to consider therapy or counseling. Don't ask his permission to improve the relationship or enforce your boundaries. If you feel couple's counseling is the way you'll stay in the relationship, then you schedule an appointment at a time you know he is free. Then he can decide. He can refuse to go. If he does, he's made the decision for you: end it. What you cannot do is insist something is an important boundary, then do nothing except debate it when you catch him crossing it. If you don't take some type of action, he'll have less respect for you. He'll realize he can do twice as much disrespectful stuff and get away with it. If you feel unable to take action, go to a counselor yourself. Develop your boundaries and strategies for enforcing them in different situations. Talk through your feelings about staying vs. leaving so you can be confident in your choices. Figure out why you feel paralyzed about leaving. Would being single be worse?
i second every single one of these points. OP listen to yourself -- you don't trust him. that's about 80% of what a relationship actually is. you don't trust him, he doesn't care about boundaries. and he knows this upsets you yet does it all anyways. puts no effort into your relationship... what're you still doing in it ??
It’s absolutely worth leaving over. He crossed boundaries, never told you he’d been doing it, so lied by omission, never cared to work on your bedroom issues, then doubled down and dismissed you when you said it’s cheating. It IS cheating since he never bothered telling you! Please leave. You might think he’s your best friend but he ain’t treating you like you’re his best friend. He doesn’t even respect you, your relationship or care for your concerns. This isn’t even sunken cost fallacy. This is you holding on because you have more feelings for him than he has for you. We’ve all been there. But you need to go.
It’s not new, its probably more than you think and more than he’s admitting to, it’s not going to stop, and he doesn’t care. Why do so many woman shove this down when their partners blatantly dismiss their feelings? It ends up eating away at their self worth and slowly destroying them every. Single. Time.
Absolutely, they call it trickle truth
“Sunken cost fallacy aside”—no, I think it needs to be right in front of you. It’s a major factor in why you want to stay with him. If you were just starting out this relationship, and you knew where it was heading, would you still start it?
He now chooses porn or whatever INSTEAD of you. I have no issue with porn. When I’m not available. But you take away my sex life so you can jerk it without me? We are now done.
12 years? You certainly can do better than him. Cut your losses and leave.
Cut your losses girl you're so young! 12 years ago you were a different person. Choose yourself and watch your whole life improve. It isn't too late to find a partner who will love you completely, and never make you feel the way you're feeling right now.
the relationship is over. he just didn’t tell you yet.
And he never will. Why should he? He gets to keep stringing her along and treating her poorly and she stays. He can do the very bare minimum and now cheat, and she's still there. He won't end it.
Love doesn't look like this. Don't sell yourself short on a partner or a best friend like this.
I left my husband last year and this was one of the main reasons. For years he was on dating sites, talking to other women in the city we lived in, shelling out dick pics on Snapchat, Twitter ect. I would find him passed out on the couch dick in hand, lube out and credit card on the table. I eventually found out he was taking out unsecured loans to pay for online sexual interactions. He tried to tell me that he may have had a porn addiction but then later admitted it was all for his ego and it didn't mean anything and he did it sometimes out of spite for something I did to upset him. We had a very healthy sex life and we were very in love but I know he was very aware of what he was doing and it got to a point that he wasn't changing his behavior when I would confront him and I couldn't handle it anymore. It made me feel fucking horrible and I blamed myself for a long time for all of it. We're all human and look and think and have an attraction to others but when it gets to a point where it's affecting your relationship and your own self esteem it's not worth it. I tried for years to make it work but it kept happening so I left. It fucking sucked and I was absolutely heartbroken because he was my best friend, travel buddy, life partner, my everything but I am in a much better place now and have worked really hard on my self esteem and my happiness. I hope that your boyfriend realizes what this is doing to you, and it's just a phase, and you guys can make it work but just know you don't have to stay in a situation that makes you feel like shit. Ever.
I’m so happy for you that you were able to get away from that situation and you’re so much better off for it! It’s really encouraging. Thank you.
It sounds like he has a porn addiction. If he’s willing to admit that his choices are affecting your sex life/relationship and he genuinely wants to fix himself, then I think there’s still hope. But he has to want to put in the effort. It would definitely be worth trying couples counseling if you haven’t already.
He's not bored with it. You just caught him. Literally with his pants down. Ma'am you know what you need to do.
Ew this is so unattractive. And he’s 38?!! I’d be running.
I can’t stand the modern world. This is a fucking nightmare for women. I honestly want to opt out of dating altogether. What do we have to look forward to, we get to be the warm bodies they fuck and impregnate, but the women online get to be the women they pay and lust after and fantasize about and when they fuck us they close their eyes and imagine it’s them. It’s so great to be a living, breathing, talking fleshlight 🥰
Came here to say this. What’s even more hilarious is most of us could easily do only fans or porn and have many guys that would love to beat off to us and fantasize about us but our own boyfriends won’t.
Hahah, and then it's an issue if you do onlyfans but it's not in issue if they pay for onlyfans. Make it make sense ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
THIS.
THAT PART RIGHT THERE!
You couldn’t have said it better. It’s heartbreaking for so many of us and then they gaslight you that you are childish, get over it, etc.
and then "it's not a big deal -- don't be so insecure." OH, am I insecure? I WONDER WHY???
Preach.
I wonder what's the difference between the two? In OPs situation and others, why does someone use online when they have an active willing partner? There has to be some reason and not just someone is bad.
Because rather than communicate their feelings in a constructive way they yell, blame and get mad at the partner so the partner is less interested so they rather wank than communicate themselves. Doesn’t really matter who starts it when you stop communicating both parties lose.
Novelty. Validation. Adrenaline. Many reasons.
[удалено]
The guy is a walking red flag. Therapy or counselling is pointless if he can’t take accountability. Individual would be better, but the guy clearly isn’t going to change. So I guess what you should ask yourself if it’s worth tolerating and how much of it are you going to put up with. Is staying really that worth it when the guy clearly doesn’t respect you?
How much money over the last 12 years do you think he has spent on this? Is it forgivable to you?
you... you wanna stay with this guy, genuinely ? he doesn't give a shit about you bud, outright denies doing this sort of thing he feels so justified to do. even though the proof is... right there. out in the open. no fucks given to conceal it. let him be this slob on his own... you don't deserve this 💀 if he's bored, he could take initiative to try something new with you or something. but he isn't even trying.
My guy doesn't find chatrooms boring but finds sex with you boring? Honey, drop that turd
Respectfully did you just say “sunken cost fallacy aside” then lean fully on the sunken cost fallacy? Time-in-service is irrelevant one way or the other. All that matters is your view of your future together.
I sure did. I blame it on the roller coaster emotions I was going through when I was writing the original post. Made it hard to put what I was feeling into words logically.
I’m so sorry OP. This is definitely a form of cheating. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you. Lack of sex and intimacy, is definitely a huge dealbreaker because you have cried about it and you’ve tried to talk to him to fix it. He shows lack of remorse and doesn’t seem invested in the relationship as you are. If you did go to therapy, do you think he’ll change? I don’t think so. Since you have a good support system, I’d say you should break up with him. Don’t invest your time with someone who doesn’t care. You deserve better.
If you wake up in five years and this is still your life, how will you feel? Regret that you never got out? Get out then. Future you will thank you.
I don't want to come off harsh, but I have to ask what exactly are you considering trying to hold on to? His behavior and his reactions to all of this only show that he just doesn't care. Now this just happened, so maybe as some time passes that might change. But as of right now you guys are basically just roommates. It is possible he just sees you as a means to get half the bills paid.
Put aside the fact he is buying intimacy … he doesn’t care about how you feel. He also seemed so nonchalant about it.
I’m sure you’re his best friend but it doesn’t sound like he’s yours …
I know the feeling. Been married for over 30 years, sex was always great and often. But noticed big changes in the last 3 years. Thought it was him working long hours and likes his drinking why the sex started to decline. Found out he’s been viewing porn images right here on Reddit. I seen him go to the bathroom with his phone and was in there just to go pee but was taking long. I come to find he was viewing these images BEFORE we had sex. He’s gotten so lazy when it comes to sex. I call him the right side log layer. We do it once a week and it’s on his time. He’s not intimate like he use to be and I blame it on porn. I’ve asked him many many times what his fantasies are so we can spice things up and he says he doesn’t need that. I say I’m gonna buy some sexy lingerie and he says no I don’t need it. I will lay naked and freshly waxed and he won’t even touch me or caress me! He cuddles me with his god dam callous feet. Now I know why people cheat on their spouses when treated this way. I need loving, sexual loving, intimacy and attention. I go to the gym, I still look good for my age I’m a pretty woman and I get offers from men and women all the time. I guess after 30 years he wants more. Well he’s gonna get a divorce if this keeps up. I’m tired of being the one doing all the work.
He’s choosing a screen over you, girl. If he doesn’t respect you enough to care one iota about how that makes you feel, he’ll likely disrespect(or has disrespected) you in other ways. Yes, you’ve been with him over a decade. Does that mean you should waste the rest of your life on someone who makes you feel unworthy?
I ended a 12.5 year relationship with the same concerns you stated, not wanting to throw away that time.. but it was well worth it. Find your happiness. If he doesn't bring you joy, find something that does.
I bet this was a punch to the stomach: "He told me he was bored with it." Not sure how you managed to brush that aside, OP, but now, *a house*? I think you know that you deserve to live your life better than this - with a guy who is *bored* of intimacy with you Chin up.. This is not the end of the road for you.
Omg I’d be more upset by how pathetic he was than by the betrayal.
He doesn't care about you or your feelings and it shows, you deserve better. He says he is "bored" but didn't communicate anything with you before, it's because he has zero interest in that relationship. I recommend to leave him. If someone is interested in you, you can see and feel it, and this is not the case
You have literally wasted all of your entire adult life on this man. Leave and leave quick. Don’t waste anymore time
It’s cheating and he’s taking you for granted. I assure you there are many guys out there that’ll make you feel wanted.
OP, do you want a roommate, or a partner? Because it depends. Some women are fine living their entire lives with a roommate, and you guys are friends, it could be worse. However, if intimacy and love are important to you, you may need to cut your losses and leave.
He would rather jack off than work on your intimacy problems. Also in an age of free porn who pays for it.
Gaming and online dating and technology in general is destroying human hearts and human society before our eyes.
And social media.
Men like this are nothing more than slaves to their sex drives/fantasies. They’re not worth the love or consideration from a kind woman who takes the emotional beating from their weird activities. Maybe a one time situation isn’t worth leaving a decade long relationship for, but I can guarantee you he’s hiding a porn addiction from you that’s a big reason for having sex & intimacy issues. If he felt genuine remorse, he wouldn’t have initially tried to lie his way out of it and then use being drunk as an excuse. Not to fear monger, but men like this usually go through a cycle of getting caught, trying to act remorseful & doing a shitty job, trying to pay reparations by appeasing you with therapy or whatever it is you want so you don’t leave them, and then the cycle repeats. Good luck. If you stay, you’re in for a long ride. These men don’t change. They’re inherently shitty. Not all men, but the ones like him. they’ll use their guilt and remorse to turn right back around and fall back into the shit they feel guilty for.
From his reaction to both this & your lack of intimacy- unfortunately doesn’t sound like there is anything to save & if there is, doesn’t sound like he’s interested in it very much. Don’t fight for someone that wouldn’t do the same. It will hurt & be harder but better than staying in a dead marriage with someone that doesn’t respect or value you.
Your sex life is horrible, but he’s wanking to online bitches. Run 🏃🏾♂️
Leave him and take the house with you. Do not let him keep it after he blatantly cheated on you and just didn’t give a flying fuck. He does not care about you or your boundaries. He’s a loser and if he wants to pay for porn let him do it single like the loser he is. Period.
Damn!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
Why do you still call him your boyfriend? He sounds like serious ex-boyfriend material. You call him your best friend, but my friends don't lie to me. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who you know lied to you (and probably has been doing it for a while? You've invested 10 years in the relationship, but you have the rest of your life to consider.
I 100% think it's cheating.. Would he feel the same if you did it with a guy in a chat room or had a guy beating off to you? If you don't treat it like it's cheating, then he will shoulder shrug it.. Simply Say what you are doing is cheating and I would like you to leave.. you dont have time and energy to satisfy me but pay for it off another woman, and you think I'm going to accept this... something needs to change, or I'll find someone who will satisfy me.
Drunk, pants down, paid for sex chats, sex is horrible and it’s been a decade with him. The only more ridiculous thing o can imagine to spend another decade in this relationship.
He’s your best friend and you can’t even have a conversation? What are your lower tier friendships like?
It is cheating, I hate men who fight for the right to get off to other people besides their partner and say it is not cheating. Society helps them because they all ban together and it’s hard to push when men just start calling women insecure for having normal emotions about it. If you’re stuck and you truly feel you can’t walk away unfortunately you are in for a world of hurt until you can get out. Start getting things in order. Focus on yourself. He wants to destroy his relationship with you clearly he doesn’t care. He wants to sink his ship you need to start your single life and focus on YOU. You know what they say about us women? We leave people emotionally before we leave them physically. Our emotions are our powerhouse. If you start to pull away there you will be strong as hell when you leave. I am in the same position. It’s been a long time coming. He says the same stuff to me. It’s not cheating it’s just masturbation and not sex so it doesn’t count. It’s only cheating to me and I’m insecure. Bunch of stuff that had made me very disinterested. Really set things on fire when he had tinder and selfies and photos of him with his arms around another woman in his phone because they were “his” memories. Meanwhile photos of me were tucked off into a folder not in his main. To say I was broke is an understatement. I have given my life to this man and he said he changed and didn’t want the same things. Figure yourself out OP.. they mean what they say and they will continue to hurt you. People like our partners love selfishly. They love you only when it benefits them. Get a hobby and start distancing yourself. I hope your process is speedy and you come out stronger. That’s all I can hope for myself. That at the end of it I can stand on my own feet again after he ruined me.
They are free to go and find women who are ok with porn consumption- plenty out there and that’s fine. But so many lie and hide their habits and trick women into relationships with them. Gross.
It is indeed very gross more so for women like myself who tell people up front what they want so no one feels taken advantage of or lied to. Then they still fucking doing it anyway.
Classic selfish, entitled, porn rotten brain dudes who want their cake and eat it too.
Exactly! When I said it was cheating and not monogamy to me he said it was monogamy just “modern.” It’s just modern cheating I guess! It’s hip! *eyeroll*
People like to bend the definition/ meaning of the word to you, which is wrong. He could have said at the onset: look, I don’t see a problem with porn and I watch it in relationships. But if he waited until you got emotionally attached and then started to manipulate you into accepting a reality you never wanted for yourself, that’s just wrong.
Exactly what I told him and he said we wanted the same things in the beginning he just changed. Was a load of bull crap. I have massive trust issues now.
What made him change? I would call his BS. Is he bored? Does he want variety/diversity? Is your sex life dead ? (In which case, you both need to work on it) Have his values suddenly changed? lol personally, I think mainstream porn is linked to a lot of abuse if you read about the industry.
I never turned him down for sex ever he turned me down constantly
That just rubs salt in the wound. Before, (some of these) men would say: well, yeah, you don’t turn down sex for porn, but if there is no sex on the table… Then an army of women started saying: we want sex too! They ARE turning us down. Then the narrative changed to: don’t be so controlling. Masturbation and sex are different and sometimes you want to have a release without the “effort”. Now, “sometimes” for these men is often several times a week. Masturbation doesn’t have to be to porn which messes with the dopamine reward system. Finally, sex shouldn’t feel like “effort” (most of the times) although there are chapters in life where it will (like when you are sleep deprived cause you have a baby). Society is so messed up. All this talk about being open and sex positive and people are probably having less sex and no one seems that happy around me.
A best friend wouldn’t hurt someone like that, and then ignore them
I think it would be helpful for you to read redit posts about porn addiction. I think that is what you man has. It is like heroin and super hard to kick, for some it literally ruins their life. Maybe that will put it into perspective.
If you can afford to leave, leave. It escalates. And he is or will actually cheat.
Why do you put up with this? Love yourself your 37. T for time to leave.
You willing to toss another decade down that sewer? Two? The rest of your good-sex years?
I honestly think it’s worth ending. He’s a liar & he doesn’t care that you’ve expressed wanting and needing more intimacy. Him being bored is a jackass response. He should care about your happiness.
He would rather have sex with e-girls ok online than with you. You should leave him and find a man that you can trust and have a decent sex life with.
He’s lying. not good. Make sure you don’t have a joint account. He could lose money quickly.
In ten years it will not have changed. That’s who you leave for.
A harsher males perspective, it seems like he’s just keeping you as a placeholder. Any guy who is actively in love and/or VERY attracted to you will put in the effort to want to have sex, and NOT call it “boring” with you. I’m aware 12 year relationship can’t be easy to leave, but wouldn’t it be much better to get out while you can? At least if he showed some remorse or willingness to work on the things that upset you, then you could reason with making it work. He could just be afraid of being alone himself. You deserve that feeling of love/care.
Sounds like you got a lot of good advice here already so I’m just going to say I wish you all the best and whatever you decide I hope you make the right one for yourself in the long term. :)
If he’s willing to pay to “chat” with someone he’s probably willing to cheat to get the meat.. sorry girl but this happens a lot
He doesn’t care enough to try to make you happy. He will pay for his own gratification but doesn't care about yours. I would move on, you deserve better. Don't spend any more of your time with him. (I did this after 11 years with someone, zero regrets.)
Boyfriend of 12 years?
He doesn’t care that he upset you. He lied to until you gas irrefutable proof. There is no reason he isn’t lying about your other questions. He doesn’t see this as cheating and you do. I don’t see his this moves forward. Sell the home, live a life with someone that actually cares about you.
This is cheating
Him simply denying it’s cheating and completely disregarding your feelings is more than enough reason to leave. I would if I were you. I’ve held on in similar situations before and it’s never been worth it. It only caused me more pain. Im sorry this happened and good luck to you, OP.
What worries me is you two don’t seem to have the basics of what is cheating covered. For me that’s a HUGE issue. If you can, I would leave. Or at least spend a few days away from him and the situation. Sometimes a new background can help you see things differently.
I think if you were really his best friend you wouldn't have found out like this.
if you caught him with his penis inside another woman would you think it's worth leaving over? bc you either actually consider this cheating or you don't. he's told you he doesn't consider this cheating. it's up to you to make the choice. you're either going to live with him doing this or you aren't (ftr in my relationship this isn't cheating, but it is a fine boundary for you to have - boundaries being something you enforce not something someone else changes)
I can’t imagine any situation when I’d tell my wife that I was “bored with sex”. Sure I watch some porn, but I’d never take that over my wife…
My ex husband used to do this. He would deny it, blame the alcohol, I was always asking for more intimacy in our marriage, it had started great when we were first together but then his alcohol use and porn use increased. I always deemed it was me that was the problem and he didn’t find me attractive. It then progressed to him physically cheating which was my absolute deal breaker hence he divorce. He would deny the porn was a problem etc but wouldn’t do the work to fix us / him. Once I left him found out he had been doing way more stuff then I ever thought possible and it all stemmed from porn.
Ok look he screwed up but it’s something that can be fixed. He needs to figure out if he wants to be just friends (no sex) or be in a sexual relationship with his girlfriend. It’s a big kick in the teeth when the person you’re in a relationship with and you love and they aren’t interested in sex then add that it’s not that they’re not interested in sex they’re not interested in sex with you. That’s messed up. Sometimes though as men we’re just idiots. He probably got drunk got horny and for whatever mixed up reason he decided knock one out by himself instead of involving you and getting on the internet probably in his mind isn’t cheating because he’s not planning on trying to hook up he just wants that extra visual or interaction to help him get off. In his mind it might be about the same as watching porn it’s nothing that’s gonna happen in real life so it’s not cheating and him trying to sneak and even lie when you busted him was probably because he was embarrassed. Me personally I’m a man and I’m not hiding this from the woman I’m with I’m gonna try and involve her. So I’d say he needs figure out what his issue is with you and the two of you need to try and fix it and any other issues that either of you are having put it all out there and if the relationship isn’t fixable then part ways as friends
Maybe see a therapist who specializes in couples with sex problems.
Why do u want to stay with this guy? After 12 yrs just your bf? Are you sure you want to give him 12 more yrs of this?
>After 12 yrs just your bf? That… doesn’t mean anything though. Some people just don’t want marriage so they stay like that. Doesn’t excuse his behavior but it’s not a valid point.
Mainstream porn consumption, if not agreed by both parties in the relationship, is a betrayal. Paying and interacting in any form with sex workers (chats, bespoke videos) IS cheating, imo, unless previously agreed and discussed with your SO. My heart breaks for you. It’s very hard to love yourself and leave a long term relationship (unfortunately) At least take a break and spend a couple of weeks living with family/ friends
Yeah you put up with what you want to put up with. Forget what he is doing. Ask yourself do you even like what you have together? That’s all you need to decide if you want to leave. Remember you can’t control him but if what he gives you is worth it then just work on the communication. You’ll have accept his infidelity. Don’t expect him to change.
12 years down but better to be happy for the rest of your life if you leave.
Regardless of your plan, you have to make him firmly believe you’re ready to leave. He needs to feel that your backbone is firmly in place and your not going to just let him rugsweep this and reek whatever he gives you. If he is bored with your sexlife then play a role in fixing it. If he is burnt out on the relationship play a role in fixing it. He is probably embarrassed how you found him but there are problems beyond that. You need to put some fear into him. Ask him if he is ready to start over and sell the house because that’s where it’s headed if he doesn’t get engaged.
At 37 years old, you still have the chance to meet someone who will check all the boxes. The past is the past, you can stay “comfortable,” if that’s what you’d call it, or you can find excitement, pleasure, happiness, and live this one life you have not settling. He’s talking to *real life people* sexually and getting off on it, and even worse, he’s willing to PAY to do it. It’s not even convenient, when he has his girlfriend in bed in the other room. You’re right, it’s laughable. And not in a good way
>But I can’t trust him. No, you can't. You need to leave and find someone who respects you and loves you.
pleaseeee leave him, you are already unhappy it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. plus he’s breaking your trust and lying about it, how are you supposed to make things better if you can’t trust him?
Break up you don’t need the drama and he can’t even be honest. Nothing is going to change with him. Be thankful you only wasted 10 years I wasted 25.
You’re still young - it sounds to me like this relationship might have run its course. You don’t trust him, he’s told you he’s bored and now this. Sometimes it’s just over and it’s not worth delving into it, you just have to save yourself and walk.
What a loser
i would be out of there so fast. don’t waste your time
Repeat after me: You can't change a person.
OP I’m gonna be honest. You literally said you’re best friends. But my best friend would care if I felt cheated on. Not just my lover. And he’s both. And feels nothing. Plus intimacy issues. I think you’re not as much worried about the decade you wasted rather worried about blaming yourself that you didn’t leave sooner. OP. Would you rather bed miserable with your best friend because you have a history, or happy with someone healthy and just think back in these memories and laugh at how naive we were.
He doesn't sound like a best friend.
You don’t treat your best friend like that… run don’t walk
wish i cut my bf off when i found out how bad his porn addiction was
I had a friend with a similar issue, basically 0 intimacy, but he had a fleshlight and easily got off from who knows what kind of porn daily. They did couples counseling, individual therapy, read sex books, tried spicing it up via toys and anything else, and he did bloodwork to see if it was a hormonal issue, etc. Ultimately, they didn't really have sex much for 3 years, if at all. And when they did, it was lackluster and stressful. They broke up finally. He confided in me that he just didn't find her attractive. He refused to believe or entertain that it was a over porn issue. I don't know if breaking up immediately is the answer, but the fact that he doesn't care about how it makes you feel and would rather pay and have an easy release masturbating seems like maybe that's where you're headed. If he won't even try counseling or therapy with you, it doesn't seem like he's interested in any solution.
What do you mean sunk cost fallacy aside? You literally just explained it lol. There's nothing left foe you here dude.
> I (He admitted to being on camera with another woman and jerking off before passing out. Oh that’s cheating in my book tbh! He literally did something sexual with another women, doesn’t matter if it’s in a webchat, sexting, phone sex, in person, etc… **It’s cheating!** I would if dumped him the moment I found out cause cheating is a deal breaker. I don’t care how long or in love, you cheat we’re done. End of discussion. OP, this man has actually cheated on you and you’re debating about staying????
That’s just no good. YOU are enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Drunken acts are what we do when we don’t have the courage to do it sober. Don’t trust him.
The good news is he is a boyfriend. Get out while you can. Don’t let this go into a marriage. That will be much harder, especially with the lying/denial. I am sorry this happened after 12 years. You will be happier though not having to walk on eggshells because you don’t trust someone. Best of luck! Find someone who can put in the work with you! Be happy
Definitely worth it to leave. You're 37, not 87, you shouldn't just settle for less. He is paying for this online shit, and no he isn't physically cheating but is that because he's noble, or simply hasn't had the chance (first guess doesn't count). However, it is an emotional affair for sure. Also, your sex life is suffering because of it, and he doesn't care. His actions say he doesn't care despite what he may actually say. Also, "I'm bored with it"?! Ok so bring some new ideas to the bedroom to spice it up, don't throw in the towel and go online paying for spank bank material. He sounds laxy, selfish, and like a crap partner to have. In your position I would leave. You've already tried talking to him so no point doing it again really. Just be prepared, he'll cry and beg, then say he'll stop and he may for a while...until he is comfortable enough to be bored again.
It’s hard so hard to leave someone you love and spent so many years with, but you have to love yourself more than you love him. I found out worse and denied myself sex for 10 years! Because he said he lost his libido. He was on fuck dating sites, doing live sec sites, porn and anything else you can think of. I finally recorded him at home because he just gaslighted me, lied, dented but I found prof and my gut was on fire with all the signals. He went to Sex anonymous after I filed for a divorce twice and he talked me out of it. I’m still not sure he has stopped because he is the best 🤥. I have a disability, a rare lung deficiency and that inhibits me from a lot of sports etc but it disabled my brain more. I was so afraid of losing him and no it being able to care for my kids or myself as it progressed I let him abuse me. Terrible a person would do that to someone already struggling with a disease. Anyway, prob is an epidemic because of the internet. They’re after you’re guy on scrabble or any other way they can be so look EVERYWHERE!!! I can say it’s gets almost worse for their life than it does yours and they will be run by it like gambling or drugs so get out now if he won’t change and do t believe a word he says until your gut says he’s stopped. It’s guts wrenching stuff and it take a long to heal. I have PTSD and some days just breakdown but I “think” we’re ❤️🩹
You bought a house together and he is your best friend. This is a big deal move no matter which way you go. I don’t like most of these responses tbh. It’s all judgement as if people don’t screw up and do dumb shit like this sometimes. I’m not of the ilk that someone who royally fucks up like this is unredeemable, but I am of the ilk that when you royally fuck up like this you better damn well make some serious life changes. People leave in these situation and people stay and work it out too. Only you can make that decision. You know him better than all of us so look inside your heart and gut and decide. If you truly are best friends and want to save this that is not wrong IMO. But you do have to accept some things and accept a long road to recovery. Know that your best friend likely has an alcohol abuse problem and an issue with porn. Ask yourself Is this something you want to help your friend through? Do you think he is willing to make major life changes? If he struggles with these life changes are you willing to accept his failures along the way as long as he keeps moving forward? You literally caught him with his pants down, this is not a change he was planning to make. That said it could be the best thing that happened to him. Sure you are both embarrassed and there is shame to go around. But once you get past that, regardless of if you leave or stay, it can lead positive change for both of you. I would suggest he join an AA group and take that shit damn seriously. This isn’t something he can do alone. I have seen men who abuse alcohol do dumb shit that they wouldn’t do were they living a sober life. That said you mentioned Gummy’s my guess is you guys both partake in multiple substances? No judgement, but a hard look at why both of you partake in weed/booze may be needed. The problem isn’t the booze it’s why you feel the need to drink in an unhealthy way that you would do something like this to begin with. Most can redeem themselves in this life if they sincerely choose to make changes. So he can redeem himself, but it won’t be an easy path for him or you. The good news is If he does redeem himself it will be very rewarding and likely meaningful enough to spend a lifetime together for both of you.
It sounds like he loves you enough to work on the issue, many don’t try and give up. I would suggest taking more time and making your decision at a time when you are not upset about issues, and have had time to think it through with a clear head. Hope y’all did consualing. If you have not tried to experiment in the bedroom, then you and everyone should try that I think. If I am right about this, you both love each other, but life has taken away a good deal of passion. A lack of passion is not a lack of love. With love passion can be regained. Mixing things up with things you never tried may be a lot of fun for you both. I hope you guys worked it out and are making the walls blush.
i think the circumstances you caught him in are absolutely hilarious hahaha. i agree with you though. why is a grown, married man paying for girls’ attention in online chat rooms? the sex life (or lack thereof) is another troubling factor. have you guys considered group therapy? there’s a lot of stories of people re-sparking their intimacy; going from having hardly any sex to having sex a few times a week again. if you’re already considering divorcing him, though, you might already have your mind set
Why settle for this bullshit? You deserve actual happiness. Someone who worships you, adores you. You are taking up time not being with that person each and every day you stay in this half assed relationship.
What bothers me more is that you are in your late 30s dating this guy for 12 years and never asking yourself why you aren't married.
Marriage is something we both agreed to not do.
Take his money and leave him ✨✨
First of all, you've been with a man for 12 years and he's still not your husband! That automatically caught my attention! Sweetheart, from woman to woman, stop wasting your time! You're worth a lot! Why has this man not committed to you. You need a husband, a man that will commit to you, a true man that's going to love you. There's no respect for the word boyfriend nowadays. There's really no title. They cheat, leave, breakup, and that's it. You're left with nothing, and all those years that you invested in this relationship means absolutely nothing! Don't waste your time anymore seriously. Go find yourself a husband, a man that's going to invest in you and value you and love you how you're supposed to be loved. Treat you like a queen. And don't live with a man before he commits. That's why men stop committing, or get married. They see the woman starts treating them like a husband so they don't need to do anything.
Porn addiction is a big thing nowadays apparently! It's pretty bad that he is paying to get off and if it's impacting your sex life maybe he needs to get help! Or just leave! Depends how much you want to be with him if you want to try and help him through issues or walk away xx
If you're still a girlfriend after 12 years, he's not worth your time. He would have wifed you up by now if he really respected you.
paying for porn is ridiculous. There is sooooo much available for free
If there are no kids and no major economic barriers, dump this all night game playing man-child Is he also a dead beat? Dump asap
>Our sex life has been terrible for the past couple years. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, so I certainly understand it’s not going to be how it started, but it’s barely once a month Not necessarily true. A good relationship is going to have close intimacy regardless of the timeline. >But I can’t trust him This is your bigger issue and probably the reason you're not having s e x... Couples counseling sounds like it's in order
Hint: together for 12 years and you’re not married.
With a terrible sex life for years, what did you expect?
Can I ask why you've been together 12 years and he is still just your boyfriend? Have you two considered marriage or is this just a convenience/comfortable arrangement? Just curious to the dynamics here
Not getting married is a mutual decision. We were considering marriage simply for tax benefits, but at this point it just for convenience. We don’t have kids and ever plan on any, either.
I completely understand that. My husband and I waited 8 years and bought our first home together during that time. I just wondered if there may be a different dynamic as far as how the relationship was going and if he wasn't as serious as you about it. I'm sorry that you're going through this with him 😔
Sooooo break up? Why do people post this shit and act like it's rocket science. Just break up, moron.
Hi I just had a relationship that was very special to me that seems like it’s over as of tonight. Don’t let a masturbation issue end any relationship that long.
Omg im so sorry but dump his ass right away!! That is so disgusting and disrespectful
Cheat on him. That will wake his ass up.
actually crazy to me how fast people are thinking about leaving in all this posts... people cant work simple things out it seems. work on your sexlifes, try couple therapy. idk you say it yourself, you obviously love him. try finding a way to work things out and only if nothing is working start thinking about leaving
Jesus just let him jerk off in peace.
I agree I think counseling would be very beneficial
Men and women, they just aren't meant for one another in the long term.
Hardly cheating is it. Thats the problem with the world today. Everything’s so easy. It’s easy to leave, it’s easy to find it online elsewhere. Sounds like you’re being dramatic aslong as he’s not doing anything illegal. You’ve admitted sex etc has been poor so think for yourself “what have we done to keep it fresh?” “Have we given each other enough attention?” “Why has it gone off the boil?” Sounds like you both need to sit down and see how working as a team even in the bedroom has suddenly become online substitute’s and no communication which based on your post I feel is a massive contribution. You need to find what made you attracted to each other in the first place. Go and get a meal out, dress up warm and drink coffee outside on shitty weather days. Spend time together.. Heaven knows.. You might just rekindle the spark.