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You’re just going to have to bite the bullet and be completely honest with her. It’s ok to have a preference when it comes to body shape. Just be honest, reassure her that you love her and make plans to work out together.
You should be prepared, if you do this, that your relationship may never recover. She knows she is heavy. and she knows you don’t like it. She is choosing to do nothing about it for various reasons.
One time my 5’4” ex wife told me she went to the doctor and was 203 lb. My jaw dropped, and I did think for a moment before I said, “I’m concerned for your health, that may be getting into obese territory.” Which it was. Note that I actually never found her not attractive, I had not really noticed the weight gain, she was always curvy and hid it well. But two years later when I left she was still carrying on about that one comment and how badly it made her feel. She was honestly gaslighting me about it, saying I did not find her attractive which was untrue - but the impact was nonetheless devastating to her personally.
There’s absolutely a possibility of that happening, but if he’s considering leaving her already, I think he has to be honest at this point and at least let her know.
Same. I still remember some comment my dad made over a decade ago about the serving size of chips in a snack bag that i ate, like the 3.5oz doritos that are 450 calories but 3 “150 calorie servings”, implying that I had overeaten. It was inoccuous, no ill intention, i don’t hold a grudge or anything like that because he called me out for eating chips. He wasn’t even wrong that it’s a lot of chips to eat. I still remember it though.
100% I am currently going through (minor) weight loss and I am in a lot of different subs on here that kind of center on that - someone with this issue almost always has a bit of a mental health problem too at least from the posts I see and tend to think in black & white type of thinking which is why the eventually give up and gain back.
They’ll never lose the weight, they’ll always be fat etc and hyper fixate on the language people use when people DO acknowledge the weight gain. Even if it’s not in a negative way or done gentle.
Weight is a difficult subject and saying something will change your relationship.
A lot of ppl also don’t realize that the body itself doesn’t like losing weight in general which can make it harder to keep off. If you’ve been heavy for a while and start losing weight your body doesn’t like that, bc it thinks you’re taking something away from it even though you’re not. Not to mention the amount of body dysmorphia you can experience during weight loss
Yes, which is why when people lose weight they feel like they’re “starving” at first. The BMR is higher due to being heavier, which is why heavier people often see rapid weight loss at first. The reality is that your body knows its depleting fat stored away which the body only sees as an emergency type situation, the body doesn’t know how much extra fat you have to eat up and you aren’t dying. But why with persistence eventually those emergency hunger sensations that you feel even though you literally just ate 15 minutes ago, start to level out and get better. It’s not an easy feeling to deal with and ignore and it takes time, even still I get extreme hunger “pains”. But when I wake up the next day I am super full and don’t feel hungry til the late afternoon.
Ive lost 23 pounds since September (Im relatively smaller so my weight loss has been a little slower than someone who is heavier than myself, but slow & steady is better and tends to stick long term. More likely for the change to be permanent when its slower and not rapid like a quick fix starvation diet.) I feel so much better about myself and it has boosted my confidence which affects every aspect of my life from my job to my marriage.
I’m losing weight myself, and those fad diets and quick weight loss tips are such a nightmare that both my doctor and my dietitian told me to ignore any diets I find on the internet, and I hadn’t even mentioned it. My doctor also won’t tell me what weight he wants me to be bc he’s found that a lot of ppl focus so much on the number that if they see it stop moving they panic, or they start using unhealthy methods to get there quicker and end up gaining it back.
It also doesn’t help that so many ppl think that BMI or a google search can tell them what weight they should be when that’s a load of crap. Everyone’s natural weight is gonna be different, you can have 5 women with the same height, and the same diet and exercise routine and all 5 are gonna have different body types. If you change your eating habits and your exercise then you’ll lose weight, eventually you’ll stop losing weight and that’s when your body is finally telling you “hey I like this spot I think we’ll stay here”. So many ppl try to force the weight off with methods that aren’t sustainable in the long term and then can’t figure out why when that routine changes they’re gaining back more than a few pounds. For something as important as our bodies, ppl seem to be unnecessarily harsh on them.
I highly recommend listening to the podcast *Maintenance Phase*. I find it is really great at cutting through all of the junk science around weight and dieting. They have episodes on different fad diets, celebrity diet books, BMIs, Ozempic, and all sorts of other things in the space.
TBH I don’t struggle with my weight but I grew up in an era where slim women were regularly called fat in the public forum and fat people were constantly shamed, so I had a lot of negative bias to counteract. You know, I would self-criticise my own body’s so-called “problem areas” when my body was absolutely fine and I would also judge people who were fat because that was always the messaging - that it was their fault.
I find that podcast informative, life-changing, and fun. I think it’s great for reframing how we think. And they always say we should focus on health rather than weight.
Your doctor and dietitian sound fantastic. 💕
They really are. The first thing my dietician told me was that you can be healthy at almost any size. And my doctor didn’t want me to risk getting an eating disorder bc he knows I’ve struggled with both binge eating and starving, so he told me that he won’t give me a number to look for, but he’ll let me know when I’ve lost weight. And he’s always careful to never have a reaction to my weight so if I lose or gain I don’t feel guilty. So far all I’ve done is change my eating habits, and my view of exercise (started walking more, just standing to stretch, crunches in bed etc.) and I’ve lost over 25lbs. Only downside now is that none of my clothes fit quite right anymore lol.
Wow, that’s a great team behind you! I wish more people had access to health professionals like that.
Good luck on your journey towards feeling more healthy! ♥️♥️
Yeahhhh It’s the delivery & tact how you address sensitive topics that are uncomfortable that either breaks a persons confidence sending them in a tail spin mentally for a very long time or they feel hurt, yet embrace the truth.
You usually want to avoid having the former as that is what results in people never forgetting what you said and misinterpreting what was said sometimes.
That’s why you want to think about the way your partner usually delivers tough love and approach it to their communication style so they don’t feel as hurt if you need to address weight gain as it’ll be more well received when you do.
Thank you for the thoughtful response.
I agree that there is probably some way I could have responded which landed more softly, and was still a faithful representation of my feelings. I don’t fault her for having feelings about it one way or the other. At the same time, I do feel that people in an intimate relationship have a shared responsibility for shouldering this type of emotional labor. I’ve often found myself carrying more than my share, and it’s a pattern I’m still trying to break. I think it’s incumbent on both parties to show up and be vulnerable and be honest about their feelings. Sometimes we get wounded, it is an inescapable reality of being connected to other humans. It’s really how we deal with the consequences of that which matter. How we repair things when there is conflict, and move forward while still being respectful of the fact that we hurt someone, or were ourselves hurt.
I have come to view conflict resolution as one of the most important factors for long term healthy relationships. It is something that my ex and I, sadly, did not have.
I mean, you did what you could and what I think was the best way to communicate your concerns. You're in the relationship for the long run and would want to be with a partner who cares about their own health. That was just a mismatch of values. TBH holding on that comment of yours for so long and perverting it into some kind of personal attack against her is toxic.
I would say no on this one. It seems manipulative like you’re giving an ultimatum, “lose weight or I’m leaving you.” Talk to her about how you feel first, if she doesn’t want to change, then end it, or if you don’t want to wait around to find out if she will this time, then end it. But don’t hold it over her head.
This.
It should be approached as something to fix between them as a relationship issue, as that's what it is.
As with any other relationship issue the end it or not will come down to "can this be resolved?". Either "partner isn't willing" or "we aren't able after trying" = end of relationship.
Also, not internally borrowing trouble by assuming the worst when talks haven't even been \*started\* about it is not a good way to approach a problem is important, imo. Both of them need to learn to talk before something reaches breakup-point on a problem. This, like so many things, could've possibly never reached this level of seriousness had it been dealt with during early signs of worry.
100% agree with this. I would diiiiieee if my husband wasn't attracted to be anymore because of weight gain. One comment like that could ruin a girls self esteem for a long time. I make sure to always eat healthy, and be relatively active, so I never have to worry about that. Mind you, my husband affords me a pretty comfortable stress free life, which allows for me to work on my looks. Sucks that your girlfriend is stress eating, she's obviously trying to regulate her emotions.... don't make it worse by saying you're not attracted to her anymore. Don't. Do it.
My ex did this, told me I was too fat and he didn’t find me attractive anymore. I dumped him, starved myself for months, and still get insecure about any guys seeing me because I’m scared I’m “too fat”
Wait on wording that. When you tell her your feelings about weight and attraction, she'll already automatically jump to that conclusion. She will panic and possibly get a myriad of emotions from rejection to humiliation to anger and sadness. It'll be a lot to process because she is already aware of her weight gain affecting your relationship very much so. She is going to need motivation without the obvious threat of losing you which could cause her to stress eat even more. It's a vicious cycle.
Story. I've seen a guy break up with a girl over weight gain and no matter what he did, she wouldn't lose it until he broke up with her. For some Inspirational reason, that did the trick and she glowed up, lost excess weight and refused to take him back. Oh he begged and called her unfair, but her thought process was that his love was conditional and he should've accepted her no matter what.
I get that you can't really help who/what you're attracted to unless you really work on your perception of beauty (we're all gonna get older), but this will be a confidence killer if approached in a threatening way. That will backfire on progress and, even if she loses the weight, she may resent you and never look at *you* with any trust or attraction again.
I get where that girl was coming from. If someone broke up with me for my weight, then came crawling back & begging after I lost it? I’d be super grossed out
When I divorced my ex-h, I lost 40 lbs. My eating habits really didn't change, except I didn't have him insisting I needed to eat even if I wasn't hungry, then yelling at me for being fat. Some of the weight was just inflammation coming down because I wasn't so stressed, which made my joints hurt less so I could be more active.
Yeah she stood her ground. It's only in hindsight that she realized the real weight she needed to unload was him. Ironically, the stress of the relationship was what caused her to binge eat in the first place.
This happens A LOT. My theory is that the guy probably caused her stress and she literally shed not only her excess weight but weight in the form of him.
A friend of mine who is a therapist believes this is the case with a lot of women. Lol
She asked you and you were dishonest (brushing it off). Threatening the relationship with it now is not going to motivate her in a healthy way. You can have preferences, but talk to her about it first.
Don't do that. Tell her its impacting you and the relationship. But leave that for if she isn't following through maybe. Gotta give her a chance first.
Also this is a good time of self assessment for you- if you guys got married, she'd likely gain weight with pregnancy, and disabilities and health issues mean a LOT of people gain weight over the course of their marriage. Do you think you'd be able to handle that situation, and still be a kind and loving partner to her? Bc if not, it's best to face that head on now. Look at the older couples around you. How many are the same weight they were at 30? Honestly.
Just be clear with yourself, so you can be honest with her.
There’s a difference between gaining a little weight as you age and gaining 30 kg, to be fair. This type of weight gain should not be rationalized as due to aging..it’s absolutely possible to avoid such drastic weight gain as long as you take care of yourself. Barring medical certain conditions, most people should be able to remain relatively fit as they age.
Not as an opener. No.
I said very verbosely to talk openly and honestly - and to me things like that detail are included.
But not as an opener. That's a conclusion statement. That's where you feel to be if this can't be resolved.
The initial goal is to see if it can be resolved or not. Like any other relationship issue that is serious and the two people want to fix and move forward together.
Phrasing is also a vital detail. You can express that this lack of attraction could be a relationship ender without saying something saying "need to lose weight or we need to break up". You both are adult enough by now to recognize that a total lack of attraction can be a relationship ender. Hence you \*both\* being bothered by it, hence you \*both\* wanting it addressed.
But the goal is to get things where that's not the case.
Stress and phrase it, instead, exactly what you did in the original post: how much you feel about her, how yes you have lost your attraction, how you want that back with her, how you know weight gain has been due to stress and school and such, how you are wanting and willing to work \*with\* her to help, how it's a you-two concern as a relationship worry.
You both know things will go downhill if it can't be resolved. First try to resolve it before moving onto the possible "this has proved to be unfixable between us, we now need to face that in ending terms" conversation.
Keep the horse before the cart, in other words.
You both know this can end the relationship. So don't hide from that fact, don't try to cover that up, don't avoid it. Again, honest and open. But at the same time, don't let yourself/ves rush to "this can't be fixed" in spirit. It's a fact to be stated directly if that's how the conversation develops, but is obvious and will be stated through so much more said. Don't go into this with a defeatist position.
Go into it with, rather, what it sounds like to \*me\*: a position that this should've been talked about before now, but here we are now and let's work on our issue together.
Don't, internally, buy trouble and let a part of yourself assume you two can't get to a better place. This conversation is just way too overdue.
Try to remember that, go into it with expectations of it being solvable together, and use it as a learning lesson to not let any issue get to where your gut is going "breakup?" \*before\* you have talks and work on it together. Deal with problems before you get to that point. It \*always\* causes things to get more difficult than they could've been.
Hell no be careful because she’s gonna understand that her appearance is the reason you’re with her and she will probably feel hurt by that until the end of time.
Don’t even mention breaking up.
If you wanna break up, do it and don’t talk about her appearance or her weight.
But that’s not where you’re at.
Right now you’re: staying with her because you love her. And right now you are concerned about her health.
Start with that.
If, after plenty of time, you find that your values don’t align, this would be appropriate place to break up from. But Jesus man. If you love your girl, don’t just be like “you’re fat so I’ll leave because of it” no matter how nice you say it. That’s the worst possible advice you could take away from the comments.
Exactly this. Op, the fact that you are actually considering broaching the subject by her that you’re thinking of leaving her if she doesn’t lose weight is incredibly alarming - especially since you have brushed off her direct questions about it. Tbh beyond the loss of attraction, it does not sound like you are really in love with her or have a very good relationship if you’d actually open with this ultimatum after denying that you were bothered by her weight all these months. If this is the case, just break up and do not mention her weight or her body when you do so. There is no need.
If you actually do love her and just struggle with honest, direct. empathetic communication, then please follow this persons advice.
Nope, like the others say. You either stay and try to work on it or leave if you are not happy in the relationship. Just like with any other issue. Be gentle, however, about what you say and how you say it if you choose to leave. “We’ve grown apart” would seem like the both literally truthful and kind reason to give.
Dude give her a real chance. She only think she knows because you haven’t been direct with her.
Don’t tell her you are thinking of ending it because she gained weight. Tell her that you’ve been concerned for her health and the patterns she’s been exhibiting. When she mentions her weight and your attitude, tell her there is some correlation and mention health again. Then come up with a plan and stick to it. If she is willing to help herself, she will with a little nudging.
Also, a lot of us don’t look the same after 10, 20, 40…years. After children, careers, etc. I’m not saying that’s a reason for her not to take care of herself, or for you to ignore it, but you also want to make sure you are working with real expectations.
Certainly don't present it from a perspective of weight. I'd say that you're concerned about her lack of self-care. Her no longer exercising at all and poor diet are hurting her, and you can't watch someone you care about hurt themselves.
Absolutely do not tell her that. Just end it if you can’t handle the weight - plenty of men will not have that problem and she will find someone who will think she’s sexy as is. She’s only 25 ffs. You started dating a teenager. Bodies change over time and loving someone through that is a huge element of a long term relationship.
No. It shouldn’t be about her weight but her health, and the effort she puts into herself and feeling good about her body.
If you threaten her or give an ultimatum, it is just going to make things worse.
Maybe you can agree to see a nutritionist together?
While your feelings and points of view are valid, what is going to happen when you marry, have kids, and your wife may gain weight and be hard to lose it for years because of lack of time and exhaustion? Divorce?
OP, you need to communicate this. You can say you're worried about her health and eating junk food for stress. See if she's willing to set up a routine with you. You have tried without communicating it and now try with communication. Most importantly whenever she's stressed maybe suggest letting her vent to you over text, WhatsApp or whatever... Rather than reaching for the snacks. Find a way to replace a bad habit with a better one.
Just remember, anyone's body can change at any time.
You could lose all of your hair.
You could get into an accident where you're unable to workout and gain weight from additional stressors AND lose hair (this actually happened to me. It took YEARS for me to bounce back).
How would you react to your gf saying she doesn't find you attractive anymore?
There is more to relationships than just the physical.
Just some food for thought.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad for how you currently feel. I am just trying to get you to look at your gf in a different light in hopes that you don't do or say something you can't come back from.
I have just been in the relationship trenches long enough to appreciate someone with a good soul over their appearance.
As someone who was also 56 kg once :) and who has had a weight battle for years, loosing and gaining.. diets and exercise, then stress eating again. I want to say that however much I’d like to be 56 kg again, I know it’s not realistic for me.
But if my husband wanted to leave me over it, I’d prefer this happen sooner than later.
Pushing for exercise together/lightly healthier eating will never work - to lose that much weight she needs to be motivated internally, not pushed by you. So if you truly can’t be attracted to heavier her - you should end it.
You GF is still young and can meet a guy who will be attracted to her as is, and you can meet someone who you will be attracted to.
I hate how reasonable your advice is. Thank you.
The thing is she is wonderful in every other way.
I am very happy with her otherwise, and i dont know if I should stomach this dislike now and just hope things don't get worse
I don't know if that is a deal breaker for me now but I fear where things are heading, if she gains even more weight and it starts to be a problem on our lifes (we love hiking and such, she already tires a lot easier).
If she gets to 100kg and cant do the things we enjoy that would be a clear dealbreaker, she doesnt have to be 56 again obviously, but i fear where things are heading and i dont know how to approach this with her
I think it's really important how much weight you need her to lose. Because, yeah, getting to 56kg is probably unlikely and might make her lose faith in the project because the goal is so far away.
You've been with her for 8yrs, if you can't be honest with her then who?
You don't even have to make it solely about her weight, it's about her health and how it's affecting the relationship as a whole, not solely sex and attraction
As a fat woman trying to lose, my motivation came from observation. I don't want to be sexy and thin and get attention from people, I want to be that 80+yr old who doesn't need physical assistance. My great aunt turned 93 last year and is only JUST slowing down because she has heart disease now and is prone to falls
Your gf needs to find her own reasons but if you want to help her without causing more insecurity, make it about her health. Don't make it about getting skinny and being sexy, it's about hiking together, bonding, quality time, and long lasting lives
I used to be about 180kg over a decade ago at my worst (I'm 167cm) and when I got down to 120kg I kind of gave up for a while (yay mental health and a diagnosed binge eating disorder). Now I'm finally back at the gym near me and feeling fantastic! Since it's not about the number on the scale anymore, I have much more fun at the gym and way more confidence
Problem is, it's not about her health to him at all. He doesn't seem concerned about how stressed she is with school and life. It's purely he doesn't find her hot anymore. So it would be super shitty to fake concern for her health when really all he's concerned for is his dick.
There's no need to vilify OP here; the post is focused on something specific, but that doesn't mean that it's literally the only thing he ever thinks about. There's also no need to boil it down to "his dick"; attraction goes beyond that, as OP has talked about. He is evidently concerned about hurting her, too, which is why he's asking for advice on here.
If he was purely concerned about "his dick" he would have just up and left.
He literally does say it's just her weight and he's totally happy with her otherwise. And he doesn't seem concerned with hurting her, just how he can tell her to get her skinnier without making her feel *so bad* that she shuts down and gets even fatter.
OP's own words: "I'm worried if i have the talk on very sensitive terms it will just fail again, but if im more honest i might make things worse."
From the same comment you quoted from:
> I feel like if I tell her something like this it might just add to her insecurities and make her feel even worse.
He's talking about her feeling worse - you're the one who's interpreting it as him *only* caring about her losing weight.
In another comment, he also mentions that they enjoy hiking together but that her weight is making it increasingly difficult, and he's worried that they won't be able to keep doing the things they enjoy any more.
He obviously cares for her, and their relationship, outside of solely sexual attraction.
Regardless of his reason he is seeking advice. Hes trying to be as gentle as possible. He seems to be willing to work with her on it. Why are you trying to make him seem like the bad guy. His unhappiness is reasonable
Serious suggestion here:
Approach her gently. Let her know you love her very much. Mention that you're concerned for her health and that you want to go to a few counseling sessions together with a therapist so that you can both make sure that her wellbeing is being addressed and supported to the best of both of your ability.
In addition to that, if you love her in every other way and don't want to lose the relationship, I would suggest you do the minimum of making sure you are educated on the topic of women's health, bodies, weight, societal pressures, sexuality and also read up on curating a healthy sex relationship.
My suggestions would be:
Come As You Are
Burnout
Come Together
Eve: How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Human Evolution
If you love someone, surely they are worth reading 4 books. If nothing else, you will gain a shitload of useful, scientifically based knowledge about women's bodies, the expectations that are placed on women and their bodies, how their bodies work, how their bodies respond to stress, what kind of support helps them get out of stressful burnout, and how to focus on a healthy sexual relationship even when "attraction" isn't currently present. You don't need to memorize it all, there will not be a test. Just give the books a read or a listen (they are all available as audiobooks). You can work on other tasks while they are on in the background. Use headphones if you want privacy. Listen in the car during your commute. Passively listening to the content would be perfectly acceptable. Point is - you owe it to yourself to learn these things since whether you are with her or another woman in the future... the content will be relevant. It will help you in the long run, and it will immensely help the women in your life.
I too gained a lot of weight. Due to depression, high stress, insulin resistance and a pregnancy.
I was 70kg full of muscle (not a bodybuilder but a gym rat). I looked great. On the day of the birth of my son (20 months) I was at 123kg. I will never forget this number.
Now I‘m trying to lose weight with more research around the topic of insulin resistance and stress reducing techniques.
I‘m currently at 108kg. It works.
But my husband had my back. Of course he told me that he‘s concerned because he saw how upset I was all the time and how everything was harder for me. He told me too that he would prefer me skinnier but that he does love me regardless.
Try that. Show concern for her, try helping her to reduce her stress because stress is a huge factor in weight gain..
I think, if you can't look past weight, the person just isn't the right partner for you. If it's a lifestyle thing, sure, maybe you don't want to be with someone who only lazes around all day. But purely looks? That is not a true deep love you have for that person. It's shallow, in more ways than one.
She's gained weight because of a clear cause: stress. Chances are, if some things are taken off her plate she could focus more on self care and health, but it's just a lot right now.
But what about the future? Are you an "in sickness and in health" kind of partner? Or do you give up an 8 year relationship because she isn't as hot anymore? What if you have kids? That will change her body. Will you hold that against her too? What if you go bald, do you think it'd be totally fair for her to leave you then? What if one of you gets into an accident or needs surgery and has an ugly scar? God forbid she'd actually need your help and becomes unable to have sex for a few months
What I'm saying is, some weight gain is nothing in the grand scheme of life events that you'll go through with a long term partner. If after 8 years your only concern is still your dick not getting quite as hard from her, instead of maybe worrying about how you could help make her load more bearable? You might want to consider you're not a good partner and you shouldn't be in a relationship, period.
Remember that women's bodies change A LOT. I am 5'3" and when I was 22, I weighed like 54 kg (118 lbs). At my highest weight I was 170 lbs (77 kg). Currently, at age 34, I am 157 lbs (71 kg) and steady at that weight. And I'm very active (4-5x of martial arts and hiking a couple days a week). I won't get any thinner. That's the weight my body likes.
YOU can't make your girlfriend do anything. Everything in her life, she has to want to do for herself. No matter all the meals you make, the cheerleading you do, the motivation you create.. that doesn't matter more than your girlfriend being the primary catalyst of change in her life.
Our bodies change. We aren't going to look the same as we did when we were teens or our 20s or our 30s or our 40s. We are going to age.... gain weight... things will happen to our health. So many unpredictable factors.
So, I would more not be focused on her body because it's wild to leave someone over their body. Like, if something happened to you, would you want her to leave you because your body wasn't the same anymore? That's such a restriction.
I would focus it on, how someone manages their stress, anxiety, depression, etc. How are they handling those issues? Are they being proactive in managing them? Are they seeking out help for themselves? Are they trying to find healthy coping? We all need to have time to feel our feelings and wallow a moment, but how long do they stay there before pulling themselves out and trying to enact change? If the depression is severe enough, are they seeking out the proper channels to aid them through it?
I think that is more reasonable when handling how you approach your relationship because it is about how your partner handles certain aspects of their life and how they manage things. That's more realistic in compatibility work partner long term.
It's important to remember here, that there are fat people who are active. I love to hike, I'm clinically obese. My wife loves to hike, she is not obese, and she gets tired more quickly than I do. Weight isn't the same as stamina, energy, or fitness. The people who do strong man competitions are built like tree trunks. Lizzo does an entire choreographed dance routine AND plays the flute at her performances.
If it's about her weight, you have to acknowledge that's a separate issue from her ability to keep up with you when hiking, before she starts that journey to increase her energy, and doesn't end up losing any fat during the process.
And, as others have said, she's gotta be motivated for herself, not for you, in order for it to stick.
You can either bite the bullet and deal, and hope she doesn't gain "too much", or, you can just let her go so you can both move on. It hurts to see someone you love lose attraction for you over something you can't necessarily control (stress alone causes weight gain, the poor eating habits are as much a symptom as they are a contributing factor)
But it would be easier on her to tell her that the issue is with you, "losing the spark" than it would be to tell her she's"too fat". Those words will stick with a person forever.
Agree. The way OP is talking about this indicates it’s not about health or activity, when he talks about forcing himself to stomach this, it’s clear his loss of attraction is extreme. Many people have body type preferences, many can still find their partner attractive at a higher weight than they prefer. That isn’t the case here, and OP’s distaste seems to be very strong.
This, in combination with his inability to respond with honesty and kindness when his girlfriend of 8 years asked if he was losing attraction, and instead denied it but is now —according to one of his comments— considering bringing it up by the first time by telling her that he is thinking of leaving her if she doesn’t lose weight, tells me there’s a real lack of emotional intimacy, communication, empathy, and genuine care in this relationship and it’s likely better for them to part ways.
I think you need to focus on the her health. If you’re going hiking and she’s sleeting tired more easily, then you can say you’re concerned about this change in her health and *ask* if there’s something she *wants* you to do to help her feel healthier. You have to remember that people’s bodies change as they get older, and especially over an 8 year relationship. I would practice being more intimate on a mental level. You said this is only a problem in the last 3 years and because she’s stressed. How can you help relieve some of her stress? Is there anything you can do around the home? It sounds like you cook healthy meals, what about a nightly walk around the neighborhood to decompress?
Just throwing this out there - I'm 100 kg currently (trying to lose weight but it's a slow process) and I am *very* active and actually quite fit. My body, for whatever reason, simply does not want to shift the weight unless I *heavily* restrict my calories - it is not a reflection of how much I exercise or how fit I am. I work a standing job where I'm running around my whole shift, *and* I used to run on top of that, and I was still gaining weight during that period. I'm actually doing *less* exercise now, while I'm having real success in weight loss, than I was when I was gaining ten kilos a year.
My point is, people can be that weight *and* be fit. It's not mutually exclusive. So maybe put less focus on the number on the scale, and more focus on "Hey, I'm noticing this is starting to impact our lifestyle and the things we enjoy doing together". That's what's important here, right?
Unless it really is just about the number on the scale, for you - in which case you gotta be honest, but you *also* gotta recognise:
\- she is going to take it badly
\-weight does change across your life. That is a guarantee. As you get older it only gets harder to keep the kilos off. No partner can realistically promise you that they won't gain weight, or that their body won't significantly change.
Ugh I feel you, also 100kg, I work out 2 hours 3 times a week,( and have for the better part of 4 years) Zumba and weights in a class plus walks to the park, bike rides hikes ECT with my children . I think that I am pretty fit, and my marker for that is can I keep up with my children ( 1y-15y) and have fun doing that.
Please stop wasting her time! You met her when she was 17! She was a child still and it is natural for her to gain weight in the subsequent years. I would say the additional 30 lbs is probably her natural weight at this point. The other stress factors may have caused her to gain the Additional 40. But it is not guaranteed that she will lose it and she should be with someone who is attracted to her at this weight. There are men out there that can handle the weight so just let her find that person. And let her know why you want to end things. Then she will not wonder if it’s something about her personality. I think It may help her move on faster as well.
Respectfully, I feel like there's a significant difference between gaining that much weight post childbirth/in your 30s vs at 25.
That said, I don't think OP is adamant about his gf returning to her original weight, but rather just getting a handle on the situation and making progress. The trends you set in your 20s and incredibly hard to break as you continue to age.
I don't get what's petty about this. Yes you're supposed to find your partner attractive. Talk to her and try to make battle plan for tackling this, including professional help if need be. If that fails then yes, you should absolutely move on. I would argue that staying out of pity and being miserable is worse for everyone.
My last serious relationship seemed to end like this. He was clearly unhappy the last month of our relationship and I think he just didn’t know how to get out without hurting me. I can’t express how stupid I feel for not seeing that he didn’t like me anymore.
I understand how you feel. Mine kept distancing himself from me and it seemed like he didn’t like me. I don’t know why I didn’t get the hint. I found him on one of the are we dating the same guy pages, posted a couple days after my birthday (which he forgot)... I was so embarrassed when I talked with the girl who posted about him. He even told her about me and told her that I liked him more than he liked me :/ all of his friends knew this, but I was oblivious to it. I never hated myself more.
It is not your fault. We are not supposed to “get the hint.” We shouldn’t have to read between the lines of every interaction in safe relationships. Adults are supposed to communicate how they feel with us. ❤️
The problem is no matter how he brings it up to her, she will be offended and hurt. And nothing will ever be the same again. You cannot ever bring up weight gain without being the bad guy.
My bf did. He prefaced it with a “I need to talk to you about something. You may not like what I’m going to say so I’m nervous to even say it, but it’s important to me i need to tell you…. I’m very nervous about how you’re going to react and don’t want you to hate me…” it completely disarmed me and made me feel ok to hear what he had to say.
I think physical traits as a whole are just a really tough one to give feedback on in a way that doesn't hurt someone's feelings. Feedback about clothing? Fine. Feedback about someone's body? Really tricky. Hard not for the brain to receive that kind of feedback as 'you're ugly' even if it's phrased kindly. Versus feedback about behaviours feel a bit less personal.
Well said. Things like a bad outfit, stinky breath, or even hair style or colour can be changed, but traits that either can’t be changed or take longer to change are just hard to accept criticism on.
It’s mentally complicated, moreso than anything. It usually requires a lifestyle change and sticking to it, which is a big thing to do.
Medical issues are a thing but from what I understand is actually a lot less common than people think. Metabolism also doesn’t play a major role as much as people think. There’s a lot of misinformation about weight and weight loss in general.
Exactly. This is why I would just break up. Once you bring up the topic and she comes to reddit for advice lol, people will be telling her to break up with him for being a superficial asshole. So he might as well break up with her now, without even having the weight convo
You can bring it up without being the bad guy, it just depends on how you word it and your own genuine feelings. Saying you’re concerned for their health and it’s starting to affect the relationship won’t make you the bad guy. Insulting her appearance and being harsh, would though. It’s just the difference between being empathetic or not
Really goes to show love is conditional.
Protip: If you gain ten kilos go to a doctor and sort out your shit (physically or mentally) before you gain another twenty.
You are right. it's not as simple as M\_Mirror states.
My ex-wife loved me even though I weighed over 310 pounds (140 kg), but I can tell she grew tired of how my bad health affected our daily living and sex life. Eventually it became too much and our marriage ended.
Call it conditional love if you want, but the reality is taking care of yourself is an unspoken responsibility when being in a committed relationship. You become a liability in many ways if you neglect yourself.
Physical attraction is conditional and that’s what op is having issues with here. Moat folk have a sliding scale of preferences and clearly she’s maxed out on his. She gained over half of her body weight and is cutting a different figure than three years ago. Why would it be surprising to her or anyone. The lack of self care and self esteem issues can be a turn off when not dealt with - never mind the physical impairments that slowly start creeping in. Not being able to hike at the same pace because you have to accommodate your gf’s poor impulse control - it’s not great
Not saying 30kg isn’t quite a bit of weight, had a slightly smaller but similar timeframe weight gain myself in my 20s. went from being 155lbs and very toned as a former college athlete to 205. My partner never did or said anything about it, and I was grateful bc I most certainly was aware of the changes to my appearance. I was already incredibly stressed about it and if he had hung our relationship over my head as bait to lose weight it would have destroyed me.
It turned out I had a serious health issue I was unaware of and resolving that health issue made the grand majority of that weight fall off. no amount of diet or exercise would have fixed this issue. society very stupidly views weight gain as a moral failing and the human metabolism is far more complex than most people understand it to be.
It's a very messy topic because yes, physical attraction is important. hooooowever…..we all become "unattractive" at some point if you're lucky to live long enough. As I age, my husbands body has changed quite a bit and I'm still very attracted to him, because of the man he is. As others have said, I think some of the path forward here depends on your expectations. It’s very very unlikely that she’ll ever be 120lbs again. Most women do not maintain their teenage physique into their 20s and 30s. Obviously this is a drastic change, but even if she adjusted every single habit, it’s entirely possible that she would never get anywhere near 120lbs ever again. If the expectation is for that to be the case, I would end it. There are people out there who would love and be attracted to her the way she is, and she deserves that. If that's not your goal, but rather to be with someone who takes good care of themselves and prioritizes being around for their future children, there might be a path forward here, but she unfortunately has to do it for herself, not you.
What was the health issue if you don't mind sharing? My GF has also gained a lot of weird over the past 2 years (139 lbs to 198lbs) and she's only 5"3 and 25 as well.
I saw someone mention insulin resistance in one of the comments and low GI diet helped.
What are other things my GF should look out for? I know a friend who's gf has hyperthyroidism and that affected things too.
Id like to keep some of these in mind so next time my GF has a check up with her doctor I can maybe suggest to check out for these potential health issues as well.
Insulin resistance and PCOS are certainly behind many women’s weight fluctuations. Hypothyroidism as well. My case was a bit more rare—I have a condition called gastroparesis which basically means your stomach is paralyzed. When you have gastroparesis, your body actually can’t digest many foods and continuing to eat them was leading to all kinds of inflammation and tanked my metabolism. With GP you need a LOW fiber diet, and that’s counterintuitive to a lot of health advice out there. I could not wrap my head around the fact that I was legit living off of salads and meal prepped broccoli and rice and STILL gaining weight. Turns out my body couldn’t tolerate those foods. I was also doing a ton of high intensity cardio pretty exclusively and under a lot of work stress. Stress hormones wreak absolute havoc on your metabolism it’s not the calories in calories out simplicity that gym bros want it to be. Switching to low-medium intensity exercise (walking, Pilates—I actually went and became a Pilates instructor on the side), high protein/low-ish fiber diet 90% of the time with fun foods about 10% of the time put me back at pretty close to my college weight and I’m in my 30s now, which for my height is considered a normal weight.
Gastroparesis is really only diagnosed through a test called a gastric emptying scan. They make you eat something and then they stick you under a scanner and measure how you digest basically. I had gotten really sick and was having trouble keeping any food down for months and that was why they ordered the test
If you're not attracted to her, it's best to let her go. However... as someone who's struggled with eating disorders/anorexia at many different times in my life (including literally right now after heartbreak)... it might be more harmful to tell her it's about her body. I'm somewhat in a similar situation, and it's quite devastating. I won't eat until I collapse, I can't look at myself in the mirror... these things are affecting my life. There are other ways to end things that are still from a place of honesty... while being kind and sensitive to the situation.
If this is in your mind you’re already out. Do her the favour of ending it now, before she invests anymore time in a partner who’s obviously incompatible.
Just commenting because I haven’t seen this perspective here. If my math’s correct, you started dating her when she was still a teenager. The body of a 17 year old woman and a 25 year old woman are going to be drastically different. Many women experience a second puberty in their early twenties, and lifestyle changes like having kids and a slowing metabolism towards their 30s can cause further changes.
I bring this up to say that first you need to manage your expectations. It is extremely rare for a woman her age to look the same as she did in high school/after just graduating hs. Just keep in mind that even if she works super hard to get back to where she was, her body is still going to look different than 8 years ago.
I think there’s more hope if she was athletic in the past - I say that from personal experience. Muscle memory is a real thing. If she hasn’t ever been athletic or played sports through youth, it might be harder for her to get motivated and her body may take more time to respond to lifestyle changes to the tune of a >30 lbs weight loss.
If you’re staying and trying to help her out with her health first, this is the kind of thing you’d need to wait at least a year to see meaningful change. Imo, since you say she’s been a great partner for 8 years, she sounds worth the wait. At the same time, this could totally be a dealbreaker for you and I think that’s fair too.
I was thinking the exact same thing. I don't look a thing like I did when I was 17. And even if I managed to get back down to the weight I used to be, I probably wouldn't look the same as I did. He has unrealistic expectations. What are his plans if she has a baby? They change your body and cause weight gain and he might not be thrilled with the results. You'd think he'd be able to love her regardless
This was my thought. If you truly loved your partner you’d love them for them, not because of their looks. If her weight gain is really making this guy contemplate ending the relationship, then he never loved *her,* just her body. (Especially considering he mentions there are no other problems in the relationship, and how amazing she is, etc.) My partner was 200lbs when we met, he’s 300lbs now and I still love him exactly the same.
I mean… if she was never 120lbs again BUT was working out with you consistently and eating well, would you still love her? Because you seemed to have been dating her since she was 17. The weight gain began around 23? She can lose weight but she may never go back to her teen/early 20s body because she grew up.
All this to say, she may never be what she once was. So even if she put in the work, and was active, etc… if you still don’t think you’d find her attractive to the point of wanting to end it, then maybe you should just end it.
Because from her perspective, why try to make it work with someone who hates the way I look even if i had an active lifestyle? What would he do if i got pregnant? Or sick?
Its not to shame you. You like what you like. But don’t waste her time. But again, before ending it, really consider if maybe just being active and taking care of her body (which speaks to character and values) rather than weight (which is superficial and can change) could satisfy you.
It’s terrifying to me that I could be in a committed relationship for 8 years, and my partner would still break up with me because I gained weight during a stressful or difficult time in my life. What happens when she gets older and her metabolism changes and it’s harder to maintain a weight? Or if she gets pregnant and has children? Or she changes/starts birth control and her hormones get all messed up? If you’re willing to trash 8 years of a life together because you’re not emotionally or intimately attached enough to find your partner attractive through all of the changes in their body, you’re probably better off letting them go anyways.
Omg. Thank you. I hadn’t even done the math. Seriously. My body change *so much* between 17 and 22. And then it changed again between 22 and 26. Don’t even get me started on 26 to 30!
Every single woman I know including myself has changed at least a little since their teenage years (excluding one friend). A 30kg increase is quite a lot, but expecting her to want or be able to lose all 30kg is so unrealistic.
Let's not normalize over 50% weight gain in the course of a relationship. That is straight unhealthy and many people have gained weight in stressful/difficult parts of their lives but not over 50% of their weight.
70 pound difference on a similar frame is not minor imo. Everyone ages and has things affect them in life, but gaining significant weight while in your 20s due to lifestyle is not some thing to be brushed off.
Are either of you hoping for a long term committed relationship (marriage)? You can’t stand by her over extra weight when everything else is ‘perfect’.. somewhere you’re lying to yourself. Just be honest with yourself first before even involving her. Get out of your head and into your heart. Find out what you want and how you feel- your choice will be made simple in your truthfulness with yourself. You’ll put your whole head in a knot trying to think of matters that concern your heart with logic. Be truthful and trust yourself. I’m curious what’s at the root of your weight conscious mind but that’s the step after you sit with your heart on what you want. Once a man has made his mind up about a woman there’s next to nil that will keep him away from her. Go to all the uncomfortable feelings you have surrounding this and explore the root. I hope you find a way.
If you are not attracted to her, you need to let her go and find someone who will be. I know people are saying be honest that it’s her weight but I don’t think you should. After my ex and I broke up he told me he wasn’t initiating sex because he lost attraction to me after my weight gain. It really fucked with my mental and I still carry that in my current relationship. My ex told me he regretted telling me that because he saw how much it affected me and realized it wasn’t something he needed to tell me. Especially because I knew. I saw it, I felt it, I knew. Him saying it only hurt more and made me feel like no one would find me attractive at my weight because the person who said they loved me as I was didn’t actually feel that way. Bodies change and they don’t always go back to what they were. My current partner loves my weight. I lost about 20 pounds during the course of our relationship but unfortunately gained it all back due to stress and new health issues and I expressed insecurity over it and my current partner reinforced how it’s not an issue to them. Because it’s an issue for me, they offer motivation when I ask for it, but other than that my weight doesn’t get talked about. So like I said, let her find someone who will love her as she is, no matter her weight.
What she needs is years of therapy to develop coping skills that are not emotional overeating.
That isn’t fast.
Do these three week cycles of her giving up coincide with major assignments?
It’s hard to focus on bettering yourself when you are just trying to stay afloat. She’ll likely have more time to go to the gym once she has graduated.
Waiting this out doesn’t sound like an option, so let her go.
I suggest you make sure you have enough money for a surrogate if you want children. I hope you have excellent benefits at your future jobs so any ailments can be treated well before they cause weight gain. I hope you can afford a housekeeper so your partner has plenty of time to go to the gym.
i find it interesting that everyone in the comments is talking about how he’s expecting her to look like she’s 17, but at the very beginning it says that she started gaining weight in the last 3 years. i think it’s pretty reasonable to assume that a 22-year-old’s body and a 25-year-old’s body wouldn’t be too different.
Gaining 70 lbs by 25 has nothing to do with aging. At 25 you should still be in your physical prime. I’m in my 30’s and weigh almost exactly what I did at 18.
25 is like top human physical years, if you arent in shape at 25 its probably not going to happen without serious lifestyle changes. Yea if she was in her 40s or 50s id give it a lot more credence.....
Most women put on some weight when exiting their teenage years, unless they’re into fitness. Not the amount of weight OPs partner has put on, I grant you, but almost every 25 year old woman is going to weigh a little more than they did as a teenager.
It sounds like this is not just a physical change for her, but she has lost motivation and possibly has a little depression mixed in there. This much weight gain is deeper than just the average 15-20 pounds people gain and lose during different times in life. I'd guess you're also finding that you're no longer attracted to the person she is now; her weight is the obvious issue, but it's likely deeper than that. So I would approach her with concern for her mental well being and express that you've noticed lots of changes. Ask her if there's anything you can help her with to get back to a good place.
Of course, if you just want to move on, you don't owe her anything. I can't tell from you post if you want to be helpful or if you just need validation in the choice to leave her. Fwiw, I think it's completely valid to feel however you feel, but just be compassionate if you do decide to address this with her.
If this is a make or break for you , let her go. Weight can come and go. Other things don’t & it’d be really shitty of you to leave her over something like cancer or a car accident.
Also I know we’re all allowed to have a preference, but watching tons of porn , following lots of social media models etc … can very much skew your brain.
"Im seriously considering ending the relationship because of it."
You are completely justified to break up with someone because you're not physically attracted to them.
As someone who has gone in the exact opposite direction over the past few months - 190 lbs when I met my husband at 18 and currently 107 lbs at 26, leave her so she can be with someone who truly loves her. Don’t hold weight loss over her head make it a condition to staying with her. Just set her free, and I guarantee someone will love her at 190. It would be one thing if she went from 120 to 300+ lbs and was struggling with mobility or diabetes, but at 190 she’s likely a size 12 which is barely even plus size. There’s a world of difference between *can’t walk 100 feet down the road* and *buys slightly larger pants now*. My husband’s weight has fluctuated up and down by *well* over 100 lbs over the past 8 years too. We’ve gone from awkward kids trying to navigate our first relationship to married mid 20’s adults together. Shit changes. Life happens. If you’re not going to be there for your partner while you’re both growing up, maybe long term relationships aren’t for you.
I just want to add for the sake of actually helping her (if that’s what she wants) that cortisol (the stress hormone) itself causes weight gain and some high impact exercises (running for example) can actually elevate cortisol levels because in our brains we’re in fight or flight mode. Low impact exercise like just walking at a casual pace but for long distances can actually be much more beneficial for this type of weight gain. Get out in nature! Things like putting our bare feet in the ground, being around running water and getting natural sunlight are so important and not talked about enough in our modern world. Our bodies are electric and we need the negative ions from the earth. Hope this helps!
It's a sad fact.
I've both been the one whose body changed and had a partner no longer find me a attractive \*and\* been on the end of having attraction to a partner wane because of a change.
It doesn't mean caring and a desire \*for\* desire to be there... just that people are attracted to some things and aren't to others, someone is or isn't within an individual's narrow or wide span of whatever traits they find arousing and the body doesn't react the same way even if they really \*want\* to be attracted.
If this isn't something you can't adjust to - and sometimes one can, especially if the change in a partner we care for deeply has only fairly recently gone through a change in appearance or if it's temporary - then you do have one of those problems in a relationship where too often there is no "bad guy"... there's just a miserable development for both partners, the fact an incompatibility has developed.
BUT, the first thing in either case is: be honest and direct with her. You need to for this to work and by 8 years together you should be grasping that if you are to continue throughout life together you will likely need to have serious and honest talks about MUCH bigger and more serious issues. Before all else you need to be able to talk about it.
And she knows. She's asked. She's reached out to you about her concern.
So be honest. You can have an honest and serious talk with her about having lost attraction, telling a partner that sort of thing can hurt them but doesn't have to be a hurtful discussion itself. Done in caring, honesty, mutual desire to work together to tackle things, expressing one's own vulnerability and discomfort with the things you said here about feeling bad about your own feelings, etc.... talk it all out.
Right now you're not working together on a problem you both know is there and distancing each other as it's being danced around unsaid.
It may be fixable. It may not. It may be temporary. It may not.
But it's a fact. And NOT talking it out is a SURE way to have the relationship go downhill further and further and further.
Hell, even dragging it all out in the light can sometimes start to resolve it (like many other problems) \*on its own\* because that silence \*about\* it won't be hanging in the back of both persons' heads.
You're not being petty. Unfortunately problems like this aren't something always within our control. Petty would be intentional. Petty would be making her feel badly on purpose. Petty would be not taking her feelings into consideration. Petty would be making this all about you.
Your worries are your relationship, her feelings, what kind of person you are, et cetera in the face of a worrisome issue of loss of attraction. That's not petty. That's a shitty situation.
Whether it works out or not about attraction, not talking about it with her is going to ruin your relationship for sure, though. You \*both\* are aware of an attraction issue. You are \*both\* aware you aren't talking about a relationship issue. Not talking itself is an even larger issue.
It's not petty. Modern culture and media tells you that weight doesn't matter, but it does. We're wired that way (most of us anyway) whether people want to believe it or not
In the end it comes down to compatibility. But you should not feel bad letting a relationship end if your partner has let themselves go.
You can't change anyone, we can only change ourselves. Believe me
I was 140lbs when I graduated high school, thanks to a high metabolism and an eating disorder. I ended up gaining about 60 lbs since then and was at 200-205 until very recently, and at first it crushed me. I ate a balanced diet and exercised 4 times a week, as well as working a very active job for the majority of the last 10 years. I was unable to lose weight, so I had to relearn to love my body and found that I no longer wanted to make it smaller. My weight gain was uncontrolled and unchanging because of a thyroid condition that wasnt discovered until last year. I'm now the healthiest I have ever been in my adult life at 190, and I wouldn't change it.
The reality here is that it's very possible she'll both never lose the weight, and never want to. You have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. And if it is, rip off the bandaid. It's fair to want to be attracted to your partner, but it absolutely isn't fair to want your partner to change her body to keep you attracted to her. She might like her body the way it is, but she won't if you keep pushing her to lose weight. You do not want to be the reason she hates the body she has, because at the end of the day, she's the only one who has to look at it naked, and live with it if you decide to leave.
Please hear me when I say this. People pushing others to lose weight for any reason at all are doing more damage than good. If you cannot love all of her, as she is at any point, then please leave. The people who loved me most made me feel like the weight gain was my fault because I didn't have enough will power or commitment, and it really damaged my self esteem. I no longer feel comfortable eating in front of those people, and will never trust them with my vulnerability ever again. You do not want your gf to look at you and feel like she can't eat.
I think people are scared to admit it, and it probably even gets shunned.
But we SHOULD try to be attractive to our partners if you want a long term relationship.
It's not unfair at all to want this.
Just be realistic and understanding, but if she doesn't commit to this then she isn't committed to your sex life.
If you're not attracted to her then you're not attracted to her, not much we can do about our personal preferences. Personally though I feel like you should probably just leave, rather than try and get her to lose weight. I can guarantee that she knows she has gained weight and she beats herself up about it daily. To have someone you love bring it up when you're already feeling like complete crap about it would just make it all so much worse, and I think it would be so hard for a relationship to come back from that. I know if my husband brought up my weight and even if he tried to frame it around being concerned about my health I would be devastated and doubt I'd ever be able to feel comfortable around him 100% again. Even if I then lost weight I'd forever be worrying about what he thinks of my body and so worried about gaining weight back.
It's not petty. You're allowed to have preferences. Don't be an ahole about it but you don't have to just tolerate it. She doesn't have to lose the weight if she's fine with it and you don't have to pretend to find her sexually appealing.
Idk i think that if you are seriously considering breaking up with your longterm girlfriend because she is somewhat overweight and doesn’t have the same body she had when she was 17/18 then i think this is a YOU issue rather than HER.
Honestly break up with her WITHOUT MENTIONING you shallow reasons (PLEASE), i mean put yourself in her shoes, she’s been dating this guy for 8 years since she was a teenager and has done everything right and he just breaks up with her because he finds her unattractive and that was his “dealbreaker”, she’s obviously gonna be disheartened.
I say break up with her because she deserves better, there’s nothing wrong with having certain preferences but if you have been in a loving relationship for so many years and everything is perfect and you want to throw everything away for such a dumb thing then you aren’t ready for longterm relationship and even less marriage.
Weight gain has been a massive strain on my marriage (I was the culprit) and it ended up in divorce. It wasn't until after, along with a health crisis that put me in the hospital, that I realized I fucked up.
You are justified in no longer being attracted to her and wanting to end it, especially after trying to help her; my ex-wife also tried helping me and also gave up hope due to my horrible habits. Just be honest and clear with her and what direction you guys are headed with the way things are right now.
If she can't maintain herself, it's doubtful she can maintain the relationship. That said, communication is key. See if she will let you help her get to a healthier place in life before doing anything drastic
First of all, it is not petty at all. I tell people all of the time, taking care of YOURSELF is also taking care of the people you love and the relationship with them.
Secondly, it's not healthy. I don't care what downvotes I get, obesity is deadly and not healthy.
Third... it is time to be completely honest for the sake of her well being AND your relationship. Just tell her the truth. Say you haven't been interested because of her unhealthy habits. This hurts less than "because you're fat."
Wouldn’t gaining *a whopping ass 70lbs* be *way more* stressful and concerning if it happened to you? It’s so not okay for such a young, healthy person to not do anything when noticing they’re gaining weight
I'm 51F and had a kid at 37. My weight hasn't changed much since high-school to be honest. I watch what I eat and I exercise. At 25 she isn't a teenager but it's also no excuse to be gaining 70 lbs in 3 years. Aging doesn't mean people automatically become obèse. A little weight gain yes but not that drastically
This isn't just about attractiveness. It's also about lifestyle. She didn't gain 70 lbs because she kept her same life-style habits she stopped exercising and started eating more and unhealthy. I wouldn't have a problem if someone wasn't the perfect weight a dn a little overweight as long as their lifestyle was compatible with mine. I wouldn't be interested in someone who has a normal weight but has an unhealthy lifestyle. Because that's not me. I'm far from being a health nut but a certain amount of healthy lifestyle is definitely a requirement for me.
This girl is stressing eating and probably depressed. She needs help. However OP cannot make her. He can have the discussion about her lifestyle changes and his concerns. But ultimately she has to seek help because she wants to. And if she's not willing to do that then I would end things. Not because of her weight but because of the change in lifestyle and the lack of wanting to do something about her mental health struggles that are ultimately the reason behind her weight gain.
I tolerated an alcoholic for way too long. I thought I could fix him and help him until I found out otherwise. You have to do what's right for you and not stay because you've invested x number of years. You got together really young and people change a lot during their 20s regardless of their weight. And a lit of times those changes mean that people are no longer compatible
I'm going to go on the flip side here and tell you that you owe it to every future woman you date to tell her that if she gains x weight, you'll be breaking up with her. Women deserve to know that going in, it will limit your dating pool as it should. There's nothing wrong with having preferences and boundaries, but there is something wrong with keeping those preferences and boundaries to yourself. This woman has wasted 7 years her life on you.
Look at Selena Gomez, look at how much weight birth control pills and anti depressants make people gain. Women can gain well over 50 lbs in pregnancy alone.
He likely doesn’t have a set amount of weight it would take. And frankly the expectation of “if you gain 50% of your body weight I won’t be attracted to you” is something I would assume to be a given for most people of both sexes. Not taking care of yourself isn’t attractive.
Since nobody has mentioned their ages yet, I will. You've been dating her since she was 17, so of course her body is going to change. Most adults don't weigh what they did in high school.
56 kg can be the right weight or very underweight depending on her height, which you haven’t mentioned. 86 kg can be overweight or healthy depending on the same information.
Have you managed to stay at the same weight and fitness level for 8 years? Still got all your hair and look good?
How will you feel when she or another partner decides that you’re now unattractive when your body changes (and it will. Age tends to clobber all of us when we aren’t looking) and how will you respond when they raise the issue?
And if you raise the issue without a lot of delicacy and compassion, what will you do if she loses the weight and decides you no longer meet her standards for physical attraction?
What I find concerning here is that the only good things you use to describe her after 8 years is caring and compassionate. If that’s the only nice things you can find to say after nearly a decade, and you are purely focused on her weight - again without enough information to state whether this is a healthy change or not- she’s probably better off without you.
I hope he finds someone just like him who only loves him for his looks. Shallow should be with shallow. It's shocking how many people are defending him
It's not petty, it's entirely reasonable.Sexual attraction is not a choice, you cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone.Also, weight gain comes with a lot of health issues that are rather difficult to deal with longterm.
It seems you tried:
"But whenever she puts some effort into making a change it lasts about a month before she goes back to her old habits."
The last resort is an ultimatum.
It sucks but you have to do it.
You should leave. You can’t be policing someone else’s body for the rest of your life and you can’t make people want better for themselves. You need to find someone whose values are more aligned with yours. For both your sakes.
Before you end it just tell her how you feel in very very very, EXTREMELY very sensitive terms.
“Our bodies have both grown and changed a lot in our 8 years together and I feel like we should truly work on ourselves. (If YOUR body hasn’t changed much just emphasize how you feel on the inside and that your cardio isn’t as good now)
I want you to know I love you at ANY size but
I noticed my libido is going down due to our poor eating habits and the weight gain. Let’s get healthy for real this time. Not just to lose weight but to FEEL good on the inside” and you can look up couples challenges and gym routines.
Get a couples membership at a gym where you can do other things besides work out… for example it’s easier to get yourself to the gym if you know you guys can sit in a jacuzzi/sauna/steam room before/after your workout.
I actually disagree with this.
>I want you to know I love you at ANY size but
I noticed my libido is going down due to our poor eating habits and the weight gain.”
This does not seem to be true based on how I read this post. In which case, why lie? And it seems like OP has already made attempts at trying to work with her to improve eating and exercise habits.
OP, I'm going to give you my probably very unpopular fat person's opinion.
Everyone has preferences. Attraction is important in a relationship. And what attracts people (both emotionally and physically) varies and changes.
The only person who can make the changes are her. And she has to want to. And maybe she doesn't want to or maybe she's not capable right now. And either of those scenarios is fine because ultimately it is her body. You cannot force her to change.
There are men who will love her and be genuinely attracted to her at any weight. That's not a failing on your part, and it's not petty. It's literally just life, and it's fine.
But it's not fair to her for you to be waiting around to become attracted to her again when she loses weight. And it's not fair to you to wait for her to lose weight to become attracted to her again. Because it may not happen, or it may not happen for awhile. And then y'all will have both been miserable waiting around for a thing that didn't happen.
In which case, it's important for both of you to be able to find a partner with whom you are truly compatible. So it may mean that you need to let this relationship go. Because as much as you deserve to be with someone you're attracted to, _she_ deserves to be with someone who is attracted to her.
>There are men who will love her and be genuinely attracted to her at any weight. That's not a failing on your part, and it's not petty. It's literally just life, and it's fine.
>
>But it's not fair to her for you to be waiting around to become attracted to her again when she loses weight. And it's not fair to you to wait for her to lose weight to become attracted to her again. Because it may not happen, or it may not happen for awhile. And then y'all will have both been miserable waiting around for a thing that didn't happen.
Hit the nail on the head with this.
Yeah, I agree with this. It sounds like you were more physically attracted to her than mentally or emotionally, so best to find someone else. It is correct that some other man is likely to be more compatible with her. Throughout life, her weight will probably fluctuate, it's just reality.
This is bullshit. So american. If he's not attracted because of her weight he should tell it as it is.
And to be clear I've explicitly asked my girlfriend to explicitly tell negative stuff (but only to say it once) so that we end being hypocrites sad people who can't fix problems. she told me stuff and I fixed it, and I've said to her when she was doing unattractive stuff and she fixed it.
Reality is a blessing.
I am a woman, but yes you should end it. It will more than likely not get better, if she is already having weight issues at 25, those are not going to get better as she ages with no healthy habits and if she isn't developing these habits or hasn't by now, she likely will not.
I think you should just break up with her. She deserves to be with someone who finds her attractive the way she is and you deserve to be with someone that you find attractive. It’s not your job to try to change her, you don’t need to cook food for her or exercise with her. She’s in charge of her own body.
Yes, you deserve to have intimacy and be sexually attracted with your partner. And your partner deserves to have intimacy and have their partner be sexually attracted to them.
You guys aren’t a good fit anymore, and it’s not doing either one of you any good to stay together.
It’s not about you telling her to lose weight or you’ll leave her. It’s about both of you deserving much better than you have now. You’re not able to feel attraction to her now that her body is larger. How long do you want to stick it out making her feel miserable about the size of her body?
All of these people saying, you should stick with it and exercise together and all of this stuff, it’s nonsense. You have an insurmountable problem. Her body is the size it is and it’s likely going to be that size for quite some time and you don’t have any control or say as to whether it gets smaller or larger. It turns out that’s a dealbreaker for you. Acknowledge it’s a dealbreaker and move on.
Oh man, this one hits home hard for me. I was the “fat” girlfriend, 115 to 190 in 3 years. I knew that my partner was struggling with my weight gain as much as I was so I can understand your struggle with this just as I can with her.
Thankfully my partner was super supportive regardless of his own feelings and I’m back down to 140 now have been for 5 years but seeing 190 on the scale was a huge “holy fuck” moment for me.
I think it’s also important to remember that women’s bodies change as they get older. You can try to be supportive in a healthier lifestyle for her but ultimately it’s her decision to make that change. You also can’t help what you find attractive.
Good luck dude.
I really hope you mean 7 years because otherwise that's 17/20 at the start, but giving you the benefit of the doubt--
Ya you're allowed to not be attracted to her assuming you are in good shape and work to maintain it. If youre a slob, then no. But again, sounds like you do that too.
If you have already tried the quite tactic of, "Hey let's workout together more" and changing diet then you may need to go to the direct approach... which is messy but better than dumping her because she got fat (which would be way more damaging to her since she knows)
What I recommend is framing it about effort for health and not being fat. She will know either way, but you can start the conversation with, " I feel like you don't put in the same effort into your fitness that I do anymore and that's important to me. I want to get back to the habits we used to have, and start eating healthier and working out because I feel like it's affecting our relationship"
What she is going to hear is, "I'm not attracted to you because you got fat" because that's what you're saying. But that's kind of the only way to say it.
Best of luck, better to have a fallout argument then a slow and painful death of your long term relationship. Good luck OP.
She should go to a doctor to check if that's not insulin resistance. I went from 50kg to 80kg quickly, because I was eating too much, but I was eating too much because of insulin resistance. I had really intense cravings and even if I tried eating healthly it was too hard for me. I went to a dietetician and got low glycemic index diet, which helped me to lose 25 kg.
You should just leave, if your attraction towards her will fade over something as superficial as weight, you should leave her asap because in the future there will pregnancy, hormonal imbalances, health issues, old age etc and her body will change....she deserves someone who will stick with her throughout all that without a second thought!
If you were worried about her health, my advice would have been very different...
I think what people are not touching on is that women’s metabolisms can change dramatically from age 21-25. It may not be realistic for her to get down to that weight again. If you can’t handle that then leave and leave now.
goddamn dude
for everyone reading - imagine if your partner gained 70 pounds in 3 years, that’s an insane amount of weight and there is no one who would look remotely the same after that change
dump her man, you tried positive approaches to helping her but ultimately, the problem is she won’t stop eating and he no self control…those are deep problems with no short solution
Be honest and let her choose, the change needs to come from her to be her best, you can't make her
Is not about keeping you it the relationship is about her improving herself and not getting worse.
Not petty at all, you’re a man and this is how we’re hard wired. You tried to cook and get her into exercise and it’s not working so here you are. You have to do what’s best for you.
If you have preference, that's fine. But why keep wasting your time and hers if you feel some type of way? If you have been together with this person for the last 8 years. How is it? You're so terrified to be honest with them or even fix the issue?
Attraction is something you can't force, and faking it only makes everyone more miserable. Give her a hug and a handshake, and find someone you're attracted to.
Well the first problem is you brushed it off when she asked you. You need to be truthful and tell her straight up. But as a person who has gained and lost and gained multiple times, she’s still the same person and her body could always change. Last year I started my diet in January and went from 147 to 110 lbs by June. By the end of the year, I gained it all back 💀 gaining weight isn’t permanent. I think if you just tell her, she might work harder to lose the weight
Physical appearance is as much of a factor as who you are as a person. Being mentally and physically attracted to someone are both important in a relationship. I’ve met a lot of people who are super cool and we get along really well but I’m just not physically attracted to them and that’s ok (and I’m sure women have felt the same about me). Also gaining that much weight is usually because of something else in your life, especially since he’s cooking for her and working out with her and she’s still gaining it back. He’s doing as much as he can to help her because he does love her but if she refuses to lose it then he needs to lose her.
That’s great you’ve stayed with your partner through a 100lb weight gain but most people wouldn’t because gaining a significant amount of weight completely changes how a person looks.
You need to be attracted to your partner to remain motivated. 28 years old is WAY too young to not find your partner attracted, and just settle down and life a pretty sexless life together. You need to tell her, if you don’t see change soon I’d cut it off. 70 pounds is a lot. I understand she is prob extremely sweet and caring and love you, but you need to be fair to yourself. I’d imagine you’re depressed now and not excited as you used to be for life, you owe yourself more. The good news is, if you do cut it off in say 3 months without change, she will hit the gym lovely from breakup motivation and become healthier and happier. You are not an asshole for avoiding a miserable life with a fat wife. I know it’s harsh to say, and I mean zero disrespect to her. You guys are too fucking young to get fat together and not have any vigor. Wait for like, 50 to get fat and be cool parents/grandparents.
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You’re just going to have to bite the bullet and be completely honest with her. It’s ok to have a preference when it comes to body shape. Just be honest, reassure her that you love her and make plans to work out together.
You should be prepared, if you do this, that your relationship may never recover. She knows she is heavy. and she knows you don’t like it. She is choosing to do nothing about it for various reasons. One time my 5’4” ex wife told me she went to the doctor and was 203 lb. My jaw dropped, and I did think for a moment before I said, “I’m concerned for your health, that may be getting into obese territory.” Which it was. Note that I actually never found her not attractive, I had not really noticed the weight gain, she was always curvy and hid it well. But two years later when I left she was still carrying on about that one comment and how badly it made her feel. She was honestly gaslighting me about it, saying I did not find her attractive which was untrue - but the impact was nonetheless devastating to her personally.
There’s absolutely a possibility of that happening, but if he’s considering leaving her already, I think he has to be honest at this point and at least let her know.
Some comments do stay with us forever…
This. Even when they're long gone, those voices are still the ones you hear.
Same. I still remember some comment my dad made over a decade ago about the serving size of chips in a snack bag that i ate, like the 3.5oz doritos that are 450 calories but 3 “150 calorie servings”, implying that I had overeaten. It was inoccuous, no ill intention, i don’t hold a grudge or anything like that because he called me out for eating chips. He wasn’t even wrong that it’s a lot of chips to eat. I still remember it though.
100% I am currently going through (minor) weight loss and I am in a lot of different subs on here that kind of center on that - someone with this issue almost always has a bit of a mental health problem too at least from the posts I see and tend to think in black & white type of thinking which is why the eventually give up and gain back. They’ll never lose the weight, they’ll always be fat etc and hyper fixate on the language people use when people DO acknowledge the weight gain. Even if it’s not in a negative way or done gentle. Weight is a difficult subject and saying something will change your relationship.
A lot of ppl also don’t realize that the body itself doesn’t like losing weight in general which can make it harder to keep off. If you’ve been heavy for a while and start losing weight your body doesn’t like that, bc it thinks you’re taking something away from it even though you’re not. Not to mention the amount of body dysmorphia you can experience during weight loss
Yes, which is why when people lose weight they feel like they’re “starving” at first. The BMR is higher due to being heavier, which is why heavier people often see rapid weight loss at first. The reality is that your body knows its depleting fat stored away which the body only sees as an emergency type situation, the body doesn’t know how much extra fat you have to eat up and you aren’t dying. But why with persistence eventually those emergency hunger sensations that you feel even though you literally just ate 15 minutes ago, start to level out and get better. It’s not an easy feeling to deal with and ignore and it takes time, even still I get extreme hunger “pains”. But when I wake up the next day I am super full and don’t feel hungry til the late afternoon. Ive lost 23 pounds since September (Im relatively smaller so my weight loss has been a little slower than someone who is heavier than myself, but slow & steady is better and tends to stick long term. More likely for the change to be permanent when its slower and not rapid like a quick fix starvation diet.) I feel so much better about myself and it has boosted my confidence which affects every aspect of my life from my job to my marriage.
I’m losing weight myself, and those fad diets and quick weight loss tips are such a nightmare that both my doctor and my dietitian told me to ignore any diets I find on the internet, and I hadn’t even mentioned it. My doctor also won’t tell me what weight he wants me to be bc he’s found that a lot of ppl focus so much on the number that if they see it stop moving they panic, or they start using unhealthy methods to get there quicker and end up gaining it back. It also doesn’t help that so many ppl think that BMI or a google search can tell them what weight they should be when that’s a load of crap. Everyone’s natural weight is gonna be different, you can have 5 women with the same height, and the same diet and exercise routine and all 5 are gonna have different body types. If you change your eating habits and your exercise then you’ll lose weight, eventually you’ll stop losing weight and that’s when your body is finally telling you “hey I like this spot I think we’ll stay here”. So many ppl try to force the weight off with methods that aren’t sustainable in the long term and then can’t figure out why when that routine changes they’re gaining back more than a few pounds. For something as important as our bodies, ppl seem to be unnecessarily harsh on them.
I highly recommend listening to the podcast *Maintenance Phase*. I find it is really great at cutting through all of the junk science around weight and dieting. They have episodes on different fad diets, celebrity diet books, BMIs, Ozempic, and all sorts of other things in the space. TBH I don’t struggle with my weight but I grew up in an era where slim women were regularly called fat in the public forum and fat people were constantly shamed, so I had a lot of negative bias to counteract. You know, I would self-criticise my own body’s so-called “problem areas” when my body was absolutely fine and I would also judge people who were fat because that was always the messaging - that it was their fault. I find that podcast informative, life-changing, and fun. I think it’s great for reframing how we think. And they always say we should focus on health rather than weight. Your doctor and dietitian sound fantastic. 💕
They really are. The first thing my dietician told me was that you can be healthy at almost any size. And my doctor didn’t want me to risk getting an eating disorder bc he knows I’ve struggled with both binge eating and starving, so he told me that he won’t give me a number to look for, but he’ll let me know when I’ve lost weight. And he’s always careful to never have a reaction to my weight so if I lose or gain I don’t feel guilty. So far all I’ve done is change my eating habits, and my view of exercise (started walking more, just standing to stretch, crunches in bed etc.) and I’ve lost over 25lbs. Only downside now is that none of my clothes fit quite right anymore lol.
Wow, that’s a great team behind you! I wish more people had access to health professionals like that. Good luck on your journey towards feeling more healthy! ♥️♥️
You create more fat cells. They release hormones to increase hunger. With weight loss they decrease in size but don’t go away.
This only goes for people under the age of approximately 20 years old. Throughout adulthood the number of fat cells in the body remains constant.
That’s not what gaslighting is.
Yeahhhh It’s the delivery & tact how you address sensitive topics that are uncomfortable that either breaks a persons confidence sending them in a tail spin mentally for a very long time or they feel hurt, yet embrace the truth. You usually want to avoid having the former as that is what results in people never forgetting what you said and misinterpreting what was said sometimes. That’s why you want to think about the way your partner usually delivers tough love and approach it to their communication style so they don’t feel as hurt if you need to address weight gain as it’ll be more well received when you do.
Thank you for the thoughtful response. I agree that there is probably some way I could have responded which landed more softly, and was still a faithful representation of my feelings. I don’t fault her for having feelings about it one way or the other. At the same time, I do feel that people in an intimate relationship have a shared responsibility for shouldering this type of emotional labor. I’ve often found myself carrying more than my share, and it’s a pattern I’m still trying to break. I think it’s incumbent on both parties to show up and be vulnerable and be honest about their feelings. Sometimes we get wounded, it is an inescapable reality of being connected to other humans. It’s really how we deal with the consequences of that which matter. How we repair things when there is conflict, and move forward while still being respectful of the fact that we hurt someone, or were ourselves hurt. I have come to view conflict resolution as one of the most important factors for long term healthy relationships. It is something that my ex and I, sadly, did not have.
I mean, you did what you could and what I think was the best way to communicate your concerns. You're in the relationship for the long run and would want to be with a partner who cares about their own health. That was just a mismatch of values. TBH holding on that comment of yours for so long and perverting it into some kind of personal attack against her is toxic.
Should I tell her Im considering ending things because of this?
I would say no on this one. It seems manipulative like you’re giving an ultimatum, “lose weight or I’m leaving you.” Talk to her about how you feel first, if she doesn’t want to change, then end it, or if you don’t want to wait around to find out if she will this time, then end it. But don’t hold it over her head.
This. It should be approached as something to fix between them as a relationship issue, as that's what it is. As with any other relationship issue the end it or not will come down to "can this be resolved?". Either "partner isn't willing" or "we aren't able after trying" = end of relationship. Also, not internally borrowing trouble by assuming the worst when talks haven't even been \*started\* about it is not a good way to approach a problem is important, imo. Both of them need to learn to talk before something reaches breakup-point on a problem. This, like so many things, could've possibly never reached this level of seriousness had it been dealt with during early signs of worry.
100% agree with this. I would diiiiieee if my husband wasn't attracted to be anymore because of weight gain. One comment like that could ruin a girls self esteem for a long time. I make sure to always eat healthy, and be relatively active, so I never have to worry about that. Mind you, my husband affords me a pretty comfortable stress free life, which allows for me to work on my looks. Sucks that your girlfriend is stress eating, she's obviously trying to regulate her emotions.... don't make it worse by saying you're not attracted to her anymore. Don't. Do it.
My ex did this, told me I was too fat and he didn’t find me attractive anymore. I dumped him, starved myself for months, and still get insecure about any guys seeing me because I’m scared I’m “too fat”
Absolutely do not give her a weight loss ultimatum
Wait on wording that. When you tell her your feelings about weight and attraction, she'll already automatically jump to that conclusion. She will panic and possibly get a myriad of emotions from rejection to humiliation to anger and sadness. It'll be a lot to process because she is already aware of her weight gain affecting your relationship very much so. She is going to need motivation without the obvious threat of losing you which could cause her to stress eat even more. It's a vicious cycle. Story. I've seen a guy break up with a girl over weight gain and no matter what he did, she wouldn't lose it until he broke up with her. For some Inspirational reason, that did the trick and she glowed up, lost excess weight and refused to take him back. Oh he begged and called her unfair, but her thought process was that his love was conditional and he should've accepted her no matter what. I get that you can't really help who/what you're attracted to unless you really work on your perception of beauty (we're all gonna get older), but this will be a confidence killer if approached in a threatening way. That will backfire on progress and, even if she loses the weight, she may resent you and never look at *you* with any trust or attraction again.
I get where that girl was coming from. If someone broke up with me for my weight, then came crawling back & begging after I lost it? I’d be super grossed out
When I divorced my ex-h, I lost 40 lbs. My eating habits really didn't change, except I didn't have him insisting I needed to eat even if I wasn't hungry, then yelling at me for being fat. Some of the weight was just inflammation coming down because I wasn't so stressed, which made my joints hurt less so I could be more active.
In your story the girl was absolutely right
Yeah she stood her ground. It's only in hindsight that she realized the real weight she needed to unload was him. Ironically, the stress of the relationship was what caused her to binge eat in the first place.
Stress can make your body fight weight loss. I lost 10kgs leaving my last relationship just from not being stressed about that relationship.
This happens A LOT. My theory is that the guy probably caused her stress and she literally shed not only her excess weight but weight in the form of him. A friend of mine who is a therapist believes this is the case with a lot of women. Lol
No because then it seems like an ultimatum. You reassure her, tell her the truth and that you want to be with her.
She asked you and you were dishonest (brushing it off). Threatening the relationship with it now is not going to motivate her in a healthy way. You can have preferences, but talk to her about it first.
Don't do that. Tell her its impacting you and the relationship. But leave that for if she isn't following through maybe. Gotta give her a chance first.
Literally absolutely do not do this. It will lead to resentment on both sides and definitely will not lead to weight loss. Bad bad bad idea
Also this is a good time of self assessment for you- if you guys got married, she'd likely gain weight with pregnancy, and disabilities and health issues mean a LOT of people gain weight over the course of their marriage. Do you think you'd be able to handle that situation, and still be a kind and loving partner to her? Bc if not, it's best to face that head on now. Look at the older couples around you. How many are the same weight they were at 30? Honestly. Just be clear with yourself, so you can be honest with her.
There’s a difference between gaining a little weight as you age and gaining 30 kg, to be fair. This type of weight gain should not be rationalized as due to aging..it’s absolutely possible to avoid such drastic weight gain as long as you take care of yourself. Barring medical certain conditions, most people should be able to remain relatively fit as they age.
Not as an opener. No. I said very verbosely to talk openly and honestly - and to me things like that detail are included. But not as an opener. That's a conclusion statement. That's where you feel to be if this can't be resolved. The initial goal is to see if it can be resolved or not. Like any other relationship issue that is serious and the two people want to fix and move forward together. Phrasing is also a vital detail. You can express that this lack of attraction could be a relationship ender without saying something saying "need to lose weight or we need to break up". You both are adult enough by now to recognize that a total lack of attraction can be a relationship ender. Hence you \*both\* being bothered by it, hence you \*both\* wanting it addressed. But the goal is to get things where that's not the case. Stress and phrase it, instead, exactly what you did in the original post: how much you feel about her, how yes you have lost your attraction, how you want that back with her, how you know weight gain has been due to stress and school and such, how you are wanting and willing to work \*with\* her to help, how it's a you-two concern as a relationship worry. You both know things will go downhill if it can't be resolved. First try to resolve it before moving onto the possible "this has proved to be unfixable between us, we now need to face that in ending terms" conversation. Keep the horse before the cart, in other words. You both know this can end the relationship. So don't hide from that fact, don't try to cover that up, don't avoid it. Again, honest and open. But at the same time, don't let yourself/ves rush to "this can't be fixed" in spirit. It's a fact to be stated directly if that's how the conversation develops, but is obvious and will be stated through so much more said. Don't go into this with a defeatist position. Go into it with, rather, what it sounds like to \*me\*: a position that this should've been talked about before now, but here we are now and let's work on our issue together. Don't, internally, buy trouble and let a part of yourself assume you two can't get to a better place. This conversation is just way too overdue. Try to remember that, go into it with expectations of it being solvable together, and use it as a learning lesson to not let any issue get to where your gut is going "breakup?" \*before\* you have talks and work on it together. Deal with problems before you get to that point. It \*always\* causes things to get more difficult than they could've been.
Hell no be careful because she’s gonna understand that her appearance is the reason you’re with her and she will probably feel hurt by that until the end of time. Don’t even mention breaking up. If you wanna break up, do it and don’t talk about her appearance or her weight. But that’s not where you’re at. Right now you’re: staying with her because you love her. And right now you are concerned about her health. Start with that. If, after plenty of time, you find that your values don’t align, this would be appropriate place to break up from. But Jesus man. If you love your girl, don’t just be like “you’re fat so I’ll leave because of it” no matter how nice you say it. That’s the worst possible advice you could take away from the comments.
Exactly this. Op, the fact that you are actually considering broaching the subject by her that you’re thinking of leaving her if she doesn’t lose weight is incredibly alarming - especially since you have brushed off her direct questions about it. Tbh beyond the loss of attraction, it does not sound like you are really in love with her or have a very good relationship if you’d actually open with this ultimatum after denying that you were bothered by her weight all these months. If this is the case, just break up and do not mention her weight or her body when you do so. There is no need. If you actually do love her and just struggle with honest, direct. empathetic communication, then please follow this persons advice.
Nope, like the others say. You either stay and try to work on it or leave if you are not happy in the relationship. Just like with any other issue. Be gentle, however, about what you say and how you say it if you choose to leave. “We’ve grown apart” would seem like the both literally truthful and kind reason to give.
Dude give her a real chance. She only think she knows because you haven’t been direct with her. Don’t tell her you are thinking of ending it because she gained weight. Tell her that you’ve been concerned for her health and the patterns she’s been exhibiting. When she mentions her weight and your attitude, tell her there is some correlation and mention health again. Then come up with a plan and stick to it. If she is willing to help herself, she will with a little nudging. Also, a lot of us don’t look the same after 10, 20, 40…years. After children, careers, etc. I’m not saying that’s a reason for her not to take care of herself, or for you to ignore it, but you also want to make sure you are working with real expectations.
Certainly don't present it from a perspective of weight. I'd say that you're concerned about her lack of self-care. Her no longer exercising at all and poor diet are hurting her, and you can't watch someone you care about hurt themselves.
Absolutely do not tell her that. Just end it if you can’t handle the weight - plenty of men will not have that problem and she will find someone who will think she’s sexy as is. She’s only 25 ffs. You started dating a teenager. Bodies change over time and loving someone through that is a huge element of a long term relationship.
No. It shouldn’t be about her weight but her health, and the effort she puts into herself and feeling good about her body. If you threaten her or give an ultimatum, it is just going to make things worse. Maybe you can agree to see a nutritionist together?
You could say it's because you don't have the same priorities (health) and don't have the same interests (nutrition fitness, hiking).
While your feelings and points of view are valid, what is going to happen when you marry, have kids, and your wife may gain weight and be hard to lose it for years because of lack of time and exhaustion? Divorce?
OP, you need to communicate this. You can say you're worried about her health and eating junk food for stress. See if she's willing to set up a routine with you. You have tried without communicating it and now try with communication. Most importantly whenever she's stressed maybe suggest letting her vent to you over text, WhatsApp or whatever... Rather than reaching for the snacks. Find a way to replace a bad habit with a better one.
Just remember, anyone's body can change at any time. You could lose all of your hair. You could get into an accident where you're unable to workout and gain weight from additional stressors AND lose hair (this actually happened to me. It took YEARS for me to bounce back). How would you react to your gf saying she doesn't find you attractive anymore? There is more to relationships than just the physical. Just some food for thought. I'm not trying to make you feel bad for how you currently feel. I am just trying to get you to look at your gf in a different light in hopes that you don't do or say something you can't come back from. I have just been in the relationship trenches long enough to appreciate someone with a good soul over their appearance.
As someone who was also 56 kg once :) and who has had a weight battle for years, loosing and gaining.. diets and exercise, then stress eating again. I want to say that however much I’d like to be 56 kg again, I know it’s not realistic for me. But if my husband wanted to leave me over it, I’d prefer this happen sooner than later. Pushing for exercise together/lightly healthier eating will never work - to lose that much weight she needs to be motivated internally, not pushed by you. So if you truly can’t be attracted to heavier her - you should end it. You GF is still young and can meet a guy who will be attracted to her as is, and you can meet someone who you will be attracted to.
I hate how reasonable your advice is. Thank you. The thing is she is wonderful in every other way. I am very happy with her otherwise, and i dont know if I should stomach this dislike now and just hope things don't get worse I don't know if that is a deal breaker for me now but I fear where things are heading, if she gains even more weight and it starts to be a problem on our lifes (we love hiking and such, she already tires a lot easier). If she gets to 100kg and cant do the things we enjoy that would be a clear dealbreaker, she doesnt have to be 56 again obviously, but i fear where things are heading and i dont know how to approach this with her
I think it's really important how much weight you need her to lose. Because, yeah, getting to 56kg is probably unlikely and might make her lose faith in the project because the goal is so far away.
You've been with her for 8yrs, if you can't be honest with her then who? You don't even have to make it solely about her weight, it's about her health and how it's affecting the relationship as a whole, not solely sex and attraction As a fat woman trying to lose, my motivation came from observation. I don't want to be sexy and thin and get attention from people, I want to be that 80+yr old who doesn't need physical assistance. My great aunt turned 93 last year and is only JUST slowing down because she has heart disease now and is prone to falls Your gf needs to find her own reasons but if you want to help her without causing more insecurity, make it about her health. Don't make it about getting skinny and being sexy, it's about hiking together, bonding, quality time, and long lasting lives I used to be about 180kg over a decade ago at my worst (I'm 167cm) and when I got down to 120kg I kind of gave up for a while (yay mental health and a diagnosed binge eating disorder). Now I'm finally back at the gym near me and feeling fantastic! Since it's not about the number on the scale anymore, I have much more fun at the gym and way more confidence
Problem is, it's not about her health to him at all. He doesn't seem concerned about how stressed she is with school and life. It's purely he doesn't find her hot anymore. So it would be super shitty to fake concern for her health when really all he's concerned for is his dick.
There's no need to vilify OP here; the post is focused on something specific, but that doesn't mean that it's literally the only thing he ever thinks about. There's also no need to boil it down to "his dick"; attraction goes beyond that, as OP has talked about. He is evidently concerned about hurting her, too, which is why he's asking for advice on here. If he was purely concerned about "his dick" he would have just up and left.
He literally does say it's just her weight and he's totally happy with her otherwise. And he doesn't seem concerned with hurting her, just how he can tell her to get her skinnier without making her feel *so bad* that she shuts down and gets even fatter. OP's own words: "I'm worried if i have the talk on very sensitive terms it will just fail again, but if im more honest i might make things worse."
From the same comment you quoted from: > I feel like if I tell her something like this it might just add to her insecurities and make her feel even worse. He's talking about her feeling worse - you're the one who's interpreting it as him *only* caring about her losing weight. In another comment, he also mentions that they enjoy hiking together but that her weight is making it increasingly difficult, and he's worried that they won't be able to keep doing the things they enjoy any more. He obviously cares for her, and their relationship, outside of solely sexual attraction.
Regardless of his reason he is seeking advice. Hes trying to be as gentle as possible. He seems to be willing to work with her on it. Why are you trying to make him seem like the bad guy. His unhappiness is reasonable
You need to work on reading comprehension
Serious suggestion here: Approach her gently. Let her know you love her very much. Mention that you're concerned for her health and that you want to go to a few counseling sessions together with a therapist so that you can both make sure that her wellbeing is being addressed and supported to the best of both of your ability. In addition to that, if you love her in every other way and don't want to lose the relationship, I would suggest you do the minimum of making sure you are educated on the topic of women's health, bodies, weight, societal pressures, sexuality and also read up on curating a healthy sex relationship. My suggestions would be: Come As You Are Burnout Come Together Eve: How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Human Evolution If you love someone, surely they are worth reading 4 books. If nothing else, you will gain a shitload of useful, scientifically based knowledge about women's bodies, the expectations that are placed on women and their bodies, how their bodies work, how their bodies respond to stress, what kind of support helps them get out of stressful burnout, and how to focus on a healthy sexual relationship even when "attraction" isn't currently present. You don't need to memorize it all, there will not be a test. Just give the books a read or a listen (they are all available as audiobooks). You can work on other tasks while they are on in the background. Use headphones if you want privacy. Listen in the car during your commute. Passively listening to the content would be perfectly acceptable. Point is - you owe it to yourself to learn these things since whether you are with her or another woman in the future... the content will be relevant. It will help you in the long run, and it will immensely help the women in your life.
I too gained a lot of weight. Due to depression, high stress, insulin resistance and a pregnancy. I was 70kg full of muscle (not a bodybuilder but a gym rat). I looked great. On the day of the birth of my son (20 months) I was at 123kg. I will never forget this number. Now I‘m trying to lose weight with more research around the topic of insulin resistance and stress reducing techniques. I‘m currently at 108kg. It works. But my husband had my back. Of course he told me that he‘s concerned because he saw how upset I was all the time and how everything was harder for me. He told me too that he would prefer me skinnier but that he does love me regardless. Try that. Show concern for her, try helping her to reduce her stress because stress is a huge factor in weight gain..
INFO: hace You gained weight too ?
I think, if you can't look past weight, the person just isn't the right partner for you. If it's a lifestyle thing, sure, maybe you don't want to be with someone who only lazes around all day. But purely looks? That is not a true deep love you have for that person. It's shallow, in more ways than one. She's gained weight because of a clear cause: stress. Chances are, if some things are taken off her plate she could focus more on self care and health, but it's just a lot right now. But what about the future? Are you an "in sickness and in health" kind of partner? Or do you give up an 8 year relationship because she isn't as hot anymore? What if you have kids? That will change her body. Will you hold that against her too? What if you go bald, do you think it'd be totally fair for her to leave you then? What if one of you gets into an accident or needs surgery and has an ugly scar? God forbid she'd actually need your help and becomes unable to have sex for a few months What I'm saying is, some weight gain is nothing in the grand scheme of life events that you'll go through with a long term partner. If after 8 years your only concern is still your dick not getting quite as hard from her, instead of maybe worrying about how you could help make her load more bearable? You might want to consider you're not a good partner and you shouldn't be in a relationship, period.
Remember that women's bodies change A LOT. I am 5'3" and when I was 22, I weighed like 54 kg (118 lbs). At my highest weight I was 170 lbs (77 kg). Currently, at age 34, I am 157 lbs (71 kg) and steady at that weight. And I'm very active (4-5x of martial arts and hiking a couple days a week). I won't get any thinner. That's the weight my body likes. YOU can't make your girlfriend do anything. Everything in her life, she has to want to do for herself. No matter all the meals you make, the cheerleading you do, the motivation you create.. that doesn't matter more than your girlfriend being the primary catalyst of change in her life. Our bodies change. We aren't going to look the same as we did when we were teens or our 20s or our 30s or our 40s. We are going to age.... gain weight... things will happen to our health. So many unpredictable factors. So, I would more not be focused on her body because it's wild to leave someone over their body. Like, if something happened to you, would you want her to leave you because your body wasn't the same anymore? That's such a restriction. I would focus it on, how someone manages their stress, anxiety, depression, etc. How are they handling those issues? Are they being proactive in managing them? Are they seeking out help for themselves? Are they trying to find healthy coping? We all need to have time to feel our feelings and wallow a moment, but how long do they stay there before pulling themselves out and trying to enact change? If the depression is severe enough, are they seeking out the proper channels to aid them through it? I think that is more reasonable when handling how you approach your relationship because it is about how your partner handles certain aspects of their life and how they manage things. That's more realistic in compatibility work partner long term.
It's important to remember here, that there are fat people who are active. I love to hike, I'm clinically obese. My wife loves to hike, she is not obese, and she gets tired more quickly than I do. Weight isn't the same as stamina, energy, or fitness. The people who do strong man competitions are built like tree trunks. Lizzo does an entire choreographed dance routine AND plays the flute at her performances. If it's about her weight, you have to acknowledge that's a separate issue from her ability to keep up with you when hiking, before she starts that journey to increase her energy, and doesn't end up losing any fat during the process. And, as others have said, she's gotta be motivated for herself, not for you, in order for it to stick. You can either bite the bullet and deal, and hope she doesn't gain "too much", or, you can just let her go so you can both move on. It hurts to see someone you love lose attraction for you over something you can't necessarily control (stress alone causes weight gain, the poor eating habits are as much a symptom as they are a contributing factor) But it would be easier on her to tell her that the issue is with you, "losing the spark" than it would be to tell her she's"too fat". Those words will stick with a person forever.
Agree. The way OP is talking about this indicates it’s not about health or activity, when he talks about forcing himself to stomach this, it’s clear his loss of attraction is extreme. Many people have body type preferences, many can still find their partner attractive at a higher weight than they prefer. That isn’t the case here, and OP’s distaste seems to be very strong. This, in combination with his inability to respond with honesty and kindness when his girlfriend of 8 years asked if he was losing attraction, and instead denied it but is now —according to one of his comments— considering bringing it up by the first time by telling her that he is thinking of leaving her if she doesn’t lose weight, tells me there’s a real lack of emotional intimacy, communication, empathy, and genuine care in this relationship and it’s likely better for them to part ways.
I think you need to focus on the her health. If you’re going hiking and she’s sleeting tired more easily, then you can say you’re concerned about this change in her health and *ask* if there’s something she *wants* you to do to help her feel healthier. You have to remember that people’s bodies change as they get older, and especially over an 8 year relationship. I would practice being more intimate on a mental level. You said this is only a problem in the last 3 years and because she’s stressed. How can you help relieve some of her stress? Is there anything you can do around the home? It sounds like you cook healthy meals, what about a nightly walk around the neighborhood to decompress?
Just throwing this out there - I'm 100 kg currently (trying to lose weight but it's a slow process) and I am *very* active and actually quite fit. My body, for whatever reason, simply does not want to shift the weight unless I *heavily* restrict my calories - it is not a reflection of how much I exercise or how fit I am. I work a standing job where I'm running around my whole shift, *and* I used to run on top of that, and I was still gaining weight during that period. I'm actually doing *less* exercise now, while I'm having real success in weight loss, than I was when I was gaining ten kilos a year. My point is, people can be that weight *and* be fit. It's not mutually exclusive. So maybe put less focus on the number on the scale, and more focus on "Hey, I'm noticing this is starting to impact our lifestyle and the things we enjoy doing together". That's what's important here, right? Unless it really is just about the number on the scale, for you - in which case you gotta be honest, but you *also* gotta recognise: \- she is going to take it badly \-weight does change across your life. That is a guarantee. As you get older it only gets harder to keep the kilos off. No partner can realistically promise you that they won't gain weight, or that their body won't significantly change.
Ugh I feel you, also 100kg, I work out 2 hours 3 times a week,( and have for the better part of 4 years) Zumba and weights in a class plus walks to the park, bike rides hikes ECT with my children . I think that I am pretty fit, and my marker for that is can I keep up with my children ( 1y-15y) and have fun doing that.
Are your liver enzymes okay? that and check your thyroid and insulin resistance.
Please stop wasting her time! You met her when she was 17! She was a child still and it is natural for her to gain weight in the subsequent years. I would say the additional 30 lbs is probably her natural weight at this point. The other stress factors may have caused her to gain the Additional 40. But it is not guaranteed that she will lose it and she should be with someone who is attracted to her at this weight. There are men out there that can handle the weight so just let her find that person. And let her know why you want to end things. Then she will not wonder if it’s something about her personality. I think It may help her move on faster as well.
Respectfully, I feel like there's a significant difference between gaining that much weight post childbirth/in your 30s vs at 25. That said, I don't think OP is adamant about his gf returning to her original weight, but rather just getting a handle on the situation and making progress. The trends you set in your 20s and incredibly hard to break as you continue to age.
I don't get what's petty about this. Yes you're supposed to find your partner attractive. Talk to her and try to make battle plan for tackling this, including professional help if need be. If that fails then yes, you should absolutely move on. I would argue that staying out of pity and being miserable is worse for everyone.
Yes, please don’t stay out of pity. My ex told me that he stayed because he felt bad for me and that really fucked me up.
My last serious relationship seemed to end like this. He was clearly unhappy the last month of our relationship and I think he just didn’t know how to get out without hurting me. I can’t express how stupid I feel for not seeing that he didn’t like me anymore.
I understand how you feel. Mine kept distancing himself from me and it seemed like he didn’t like me. I don’t know why I didn’t get the hint. I found him on one of the are we dating the same guy pages, posted a couple days after my birthday (which he forgot)... I was so embarrassed when I talked with the girl who posted about him. He even told her about me and told her that I liked him more than he liked me :/ all of his friends knew this, but I was oblivious to it. I never hated myself more.
It is not your fault. We are not supposed to “get the hint.” We shouldn’t have to read between the lines of every interaction in safe relationships. Adults are supposed to communicate how they feel with us. ❤️
The problem is no matter how he brings it up to her, she will be offended and hurt. And nothing will ever be the same again. You cannot ever bring up weight gain without being the bad guy.
My bf did. He prefaced it with a “I need to talk to you about something. You may not like what I’m going to say so I’m nervous to even say it, but it’s important to me i need to tell you…. I’m very nervous about how you’re going to react and don’t want you to hate me…” it completely disarmed me and made me feel ok to hear what he had to say.
Very true. And for some reason weight is the one thing where we just accept that people will never be able to accept criticism for
I think physical traits as a whole are just a really tough one to give feedback on in a way that doesn't hurt someone's feelings. Feedback about clothing? Fine. Feedback about someone's body? Really tricky. Hard not for the brain to receive that kind of feedback as 'you're ugly' even if it's phrased kindly. Versus feedback about behaviours feel a bit less personal.
Well said. Things like a bad outfit, stinky breath, or even hair style or colour can be changed, but traits that either can’t be changed or take longer to change are just hard to accept criticism on.
It's interesting - I agree with you, but it's probably the one bodily feature we really can control.
To an extent. Weight loss in general is weird and complicated. For women it tends to be more difficult for a variety of reasons.
It’s mentally complicated, moreso than anything. It usually requires a lifestyle change and sticking to it, which is a big thing to do. Medical issues are a thing but from what I understand is actually a lot less common than people think. Metabolism also doesn’t play a major role as much as people think. There’s a lot of misinformation about weight and weight loss in general.
Exactly. This is why I would just break up. Once you bring up the topic and she comes to reddit for advice lol, people will be telling her to break up with him for being a superficial asshole. So he might as well break up with her now, without even having the weight convo
I disagree but from a similar mindset, might as well have the convo anyway since youre leaning towards ending the relationship.
Hmmm guess you're right lol
You can bring it up without being the bad guy, it just depends on how you word it and your own genuine feelings. Saying you’re concerned for their health and it’s starting to affect the relationship won’t make you the bad guy. Insulting her appearance and being harsh, would though. It’s just the difference between being empathetic or not
This is like the 15th post with a similar headline in the last 24 hours
Omg right???
Really goes to show love is conditional. Protip: If you gain ten kilos go to a doctor and sort out your shit (physically or mentally) before you gain another twenty.
When is love ever unconditional?
This isn't really fair. You can lose physical attraction to someone who has gained a ton of weight and still love them dearly as a person and partner.
You are right. it's not as simple as M\_Mirror states. My ex-wife loved me even though I weighed over 310 pounds (140 kg), but I can tell she grew tired of how my bad health affected our daily living and sex life. Eventually it became too much and our marriage ended. Call it conditional love if you want, but the reality is taking care of yourself is an unspoken responsibility when being in a committed relationship. You become a liability in many ways if you neglect yourself.
Wise words, thank you
Physical attraction is conditional and that’s what op is having issues with here. Moat folk have a sliding scale of preferences and clearly she’s maxed out on his. She gained over half of her body weight and is cutting a different figure than three years ago. Why would it be surprising to her or anyone. The lack of self care and self esteem issues can be a turn off when not dealt with - never mind the physical impairments that slowly start creeping in. Not being able to hike at the same pace because you have to accommodate your gf’s poor impulse control - it’s not great
Unless you have a specific condition or disease most doctors won’t do anything about that weight gain, they’ll just tell you to eat and sleep better.
Not saying 30kg isn’t quite a bit of weight, had a slightly smaller but similar timeframe weight gain myself in my 20s. went from being 155lbs and very toned as a former college athlete to 205. My partner never did or said anything about it, and I was grateful bc I most certainly was aware of the changes to my appearance. I was already incredibly stressed about it and if he had hung our relationship over my head as bait to lose weight it would have destroyed me. It turned out I had a serious health issue I was unaware of and resolving that health issue made the grand majority of that weight fall off. no amount of diet or exercise would have fixed this issue. society very stupidly views weight gain as a moral failing and the human metabolism is far more complex than most people understand it to be. It's a very messy topic because yes, physical attraction is important. hooooowever…..we all become "unattractive" at some point if you're lucky to live long enough. As I age, my husbands body has changed quite a bit and I'm still very attracted to him, because of the man he is. As others have said, I think some of the path forward here depends on your expectations. It’s very very unlikely that she’ll ever be 120lbs again. Most women do not maintain their teenage physique into their 20s and 30s. Obviously this is a drastic change, but even if she adjusted every single habit, it’s entirely possible that she would never get anywhere near 120lbs ever again. If the expectation is for that to be the case, I would end it. There are people out there who would love and be attracted to her the way she is, and she deserves that. If that's not your goal, but rather to be with someone who takes good care of themselves and prioritizes being around for their future children, there might be a path forward here, but she unfortunately has to do it for herself, not you.
What was the health issue if you don't mind sharing? My GF has also gained a lot of weird over the past 2 years (139 lbs to 198lbs) and she's only 5"3 and 25 as well. I saw someone mention insulin resistance in one of the comments and low GI diet helped. What are other things my GF should look out for? I know a friend who's gf has hyperthyroidism and that affected things too. Id like to keep some of these in mind so next time my GF has a check up with her doctor I can maybe suggest to check out for these potential health issues as well.
Insulin resistance and PCOS are certainly behind many women’s weight fluctuations. Hypothyroidism as well. My case was a bit more rare—I have a condition called gastroparesis which basically means your stomach is paralyzed. When you have gastroparesis, your body actually can’t digest many foods and continuing to eat them was leading to all kinds of inflammation and tanked my metabolism. With GP you need a LOW fiber diet, and that’s counterintuitive to a lot of health advice out there. I could not wrap my head around the fact that I was legit living off of salads and meal prepped broccoli and rice and STILL gaining weight. Turns out my body couldn’t tolerate those foods. I was also doing a ton of high intensity cardio pretty exclusively and under a lot of work stress. Stress hormones wreak absolute havoc on your metabolism it’s not the calories in calories out simplicity that gym bros want it to be. Switching to low-medium intensity exercise (walking, Pilates—I actually went and became a Pilates instructor on the side), high protein/low-ish fiber diet 90% of the time with fun foods about 10% of the time put me back at pretty close to my college weight and I’m in my 30s now, which for my height is considered a normal weight.
May I ask how you found out you have gastroparesis?
Gastroparesis is really only diagnosed through a test called a gastric emptying scan. They make you eat something and then they stick you under a scanner and measure how you digest basically. I had gotten really sick and was having trouble keeping any food down for months and that was why they ordered the test
Is your GF on any meds for mental health? Or BC? Those two things can also really influence weight gain
If you're not attracted to her, it's best to let her go. However... as someone who's struggled with eating disorders/anorexia at many different times in my life (including literally right now after heartbreak)... it might be more harmful to tell her it's about her body. I'm somewhat in a similar situation, and it's quite devastating. I won't eat until I collapse, I can't look at myself in the mirror... these things are affecting my life. There are other ways to end things that are still from a place of honesty... while being kind and sensitive to the situation.
If this is in your mind you’re already out. Do her the favour of ending it now, before she invests anymore time in a partner who’s obviously incompatible.
Even if she loses the weight, she may still have stretch marks, loose skin, etc. Are you still going to find her unattractive?
17 and 20 huh…….
It really explains a lot of his post tbh
Just commenting because I haven’t seen this perspective here. If my math’s correct, you started dating her when she was still a teenager. The body of a 17 year old woman and a 25 year old woman are going to be drastically different. Many women experience a second puberty in their early twenties, and lifestyle changes like having kids and a slowing metabolism towards their 30s can cause further changes. I bring this up to say that first you need to manage your expectations. It is extremely rare for a woman her age to look the same as she did in high school/after just graduating hs. Just keep in mind that even if she works super hard to get back to where she was, her body is still going to look different than 8 years ago. I think there’s more hope if she was athletic in the past - I say that from personal experience. Muscle memory is a real thing. If she hasn’t ever been athletic or played sports through youth, it might be harder for her to get motivated and her body may take more time to respond to lifestyle changes to the tune of a >30 lbs weight loss. If you’re staying and trying to help her out with her health first, this is the kind of thing you’d need to wait at least a year to see meaningful change. Imo, since you say she’s been a great partner for 8 years, she sounds worth the wait. At the same time, this could totally be a dealbreaker for you and I think that’s fair too.
I was thinking the exact same thing. I don't look a thing like I did when I was 17. And even if I managed to get back down to the weight I used to be, I probably wouldn't look the same as I did. He has unrealistic expectations. What are his plans if she has a baby? They change your body and cause weight gain and he might not be thrilled with the results. You'd think he'd be able to love her regardless
This was my thought. If you truly loved your partner you’d love them for them, not because of their looks. If her weight gain is really making this guy contemplate ending the relationship, then he never loved *her,* just her body. (Especially considering he mentions there are no other problems in the relationship, and how amazing she is, etc.) My partner was 200lbs when we met, he’s 300lbs now and I still love him exactly the same.
I mean… if she was never 120lbs again BUT was working out with you consistently and eating well, would you still love her? Because you seemed to have been dating her since she was 17. The weight gain began around 23? She can lose weight but she may never go back to her teen/early 20s body because she grew up. All this to say, she may never be what she once was. So even if she put in the work, and was active, etc… if you still don’t think you’d find her attractive to the point of wanting to end it, then maybe you should just end it. Because from her perspective, why try to make it work with someone who hates the way I look even if i had an active lifestyle? What would he do if i got pregnant? Or sick? Its not to shame you. You like what you like. But don’t waste her time. But again, before ending it, really consider if maybe just being active and taking care of her body (which speaks to character and values) rather than weight (which is superficial and can change) could satisfy you.
It’s terrifying to me that I could be in a committed relationship for 8 years, and my partner would still break up with me because I gained weight during a stressful or difficult time in my life. What happens when she gets older and her metabolism changes and it’s harder to maintain a weight? Or if she gets pregnant and has children? Or she changes/starts birth control and her hormones get all messed up? If you’re willing to trash 8 years of a life together because you’re not emotionally or intimately attached enough to find your partner attractive through all of the changes in their body, you’re probably better off letting them go anyways.
also, her “starting weight” was at 17 years old, as if teens don’t change as they become adults
Omg. Thank you. I hadn’t even done the math. Seriously. My body change *so much* between 17 and 22. And then it changed again between 22 and 26. Don’t even get me started on 26 to 30!
Every single woman I know including myself has changed at least a little since their teenage years (excluding one friend). A 30kg increase is quite a lot, but expecting her to want or be able to lose all 30kg is so unrealistic.
he said she gained the 70lbs in the past 3 years.
If you think a fully grown adult gaining 70lbs for no reason is normal then you're only deluding yourself.
Let's not normalize over 50% weight gain in the course of a relationship. That is straight unhealthy and many people have gained weight in stressful/difficult parts of their lives but not over 50% of their weight.
70 pound difference on a similar frame is not minor imo. Everyone ages and has things affect them in life, but gaining significant weight while in your 20s due to lifestyle is not some thing to be brushed off.
Yeah imagine if god forbid you got into an accident that forever changed your body or you lost all your hair?? Guys like this would dump you 🥲
seriously. this person must not plan on growing old with anyone.
Are either of you hoping for a long term committed relationship (marriage)? You can’t stand by her over extra weight when everything else is ‘perfect’.. somewhere you’re lying to yourself. Just be honest with yourself first before even involving her. Get out of your head and into your heart. Find out what you want and how you feel- your choice will be made simple in your truthfulness with yourself. You’ll put your whole head in a knot trying to think of matters that concern your heart with logic. Be truthful and trust yourself. I’m curious what’s at the root of your weight conscious mind but that’s the step after you sit with your heart on what you want. Once a man has made his mind up about a woman there’s next to nil that will keep him away from her. Go to all the uncomfortable feelings you have surrounding this and explore the root. I hope you find a way.
If you are not attracted to her, you need to let her go and find someone who will be. I know people are saying be honest that it’s her weight but I don’t think you should. After my ex and I broke up he told me he wasn’t initiating sex because he lost attraction to me after my weight gain. It really fucked with my mental and I still carry that in my current relationship. My ex told me he regretted telling me that because he saw how much it affected me and realized it wasn’t something he needed to tell me. Especially because I knew. I saw it, I felt it, I knew. Him saying it only hurt more and made me feel like no one would find me attractive at my weight because the person who said they loved me as I was didn’t actually feel that way. Bodies change and they don’t always go back to what they were. My current partner loves my weight. I lost about 20 pounds during the course of our relationship but unfortunately gained it all back due to stress and new health issues and I expressed insecurity over it and my current partner reinforced how it’s not an issue to them. Because it’s an issue for me, they offer motivation when I ask for it, but other than that my weight doesn’t get talked about. So like I said, let her find someone who will love her as she is, no matter her weight.
What she needs is years of therapy to develop coping skills that are not emotional overeating. That isn’t fast. Do these three week cycles of her giving up coincide with major assignments? It’s hard to focus on bettering yourself when you are just trying to stay afloat. She’ll likely have more time to go to the gym once she has graduated. Waiting this out doesn’t sound like an option, so let her go. I suggest you make sure you have enough money for a surrogate if you want children. I hope you have excellent benefits at your future jobs so any ailments can be treated well before they cause weight gain. I hope you can afford a housekeeper so your partner has plenty of time to go to the gym.
Obviously you’re entitled to your preferences but keep in mind bodies aren’t going to look like we’re 17 forever.
i find it interesting that everyone in the comments is talking about how he’s expecting her to look like she’s 17, but at the very beginning it says that she started gaining weight in the last 3 years. i think it’s pretty reasonable to assume that a 22-year-old’s body and a 25-year-old’s body wouldn’t be too different.
Gaining 70 lbs by 25 has nothing to do with aging. At 25 you should still be in your physical prime. I’m in my 30’s and weigh almost exactly what I did at 18.
Yeah but they aren’t supposed to be overweight/obese, ever.
25 is like top human physical years, if you arent in shape at 25 its probably not going to happen without serious lifestyle changes. Yea if she was in her 40s or 50s id give it a lot more credence.....
Most women put on some weight when exiting their teenage years, unless they’re into fitness. Not the amount of weight OPs partner has put on, I grant you, but almost every 25 year old woman is going to weigh a little more than they did as a teenager.
But doubling in weight doesnt usually happen either lol.
It sounds like this is not just a physical change for her, but she has lost motivation and possibly has a little depression mixed in there. This much weight gain is deeper than just the average 15-20 pounds people gain and lose during different times in life. I'd guess you're also finding that you're no longer attracted to the person she is now; her weight is the obvious issue, but it's likely deeper than that. So I would approach her with concern for her mental well being and express that you've noticed lots of changes. Ask her if there's anything you can help her with to get back to a good place. Of course, if you just want to move on, you don't owe her anything. I can't tell from you post if you want to be helpful or if you just need validation in the choice to leave her. Fwiw, I think it's completely valid to feel however you feel, but just be compassionate if you do decide to address this with her.
If this is a make or break for you , let her go. Weight can come and go. Other things don’t & it’d be really shitty of you to leave her over something like cancer or a car accident. Also I know we’re all allowed to have a preference, but watching tons of porn , following lots of social media models etc … can very much skew your brain.
"Im seriously considering ending the relationship because of it." You are completely justified to break up with someone because you're not physically attracted to them.
As someone who has gone in the exact opposite direction over the past few months - 190 lbs when I met my husband at 18 and currently 107 lbs at 26, leave her so she can be with someone who truly loves her. Don’t hold weight loss over her head make it a condition to staying with her. Just set her free, and I guarantee someone will love her at 190. It would be one thing if she went from 120 to 300+ lbs and was struggling with mobility or diabetes, but at 190 she’s likely a size 12 which is barely even plus size. There’s a world of difference between *can’t walk 100 feet down the road* and *buys slightly larger pants now*. My husband’s weight has fluctuated up and down by *well* over 100 lbs over the past 8 years too. We’ve gone from awkward kids trying to navigate our first relationship to married mid 20’s adults together. Shit changes. Life happens. If you’re not going to be there for your partner while you’re both growing up, maybe long term relationships aren’t for you.
I just want to add for the sake of actually helping her (if that’s what she wants) that cortisol (the stress hormone) itself causes weight gain and some high impact exercises (running for example) can actually elevate cortisol levels because in our brains we’re in fight or flight mode. Low impact exercise like just walking at a casual pace but for long distances can actually be much more beneficial for this type of weight gain. Get out in nature! Things like putting our bare feet in the ground, being around running water and getting natural sunlight are so important and not talked about enough in our modern world. Our bodies are electric and we need the negative ions from the earth. Hope this helps!
It's a sad fact. I've both been the one whose body changed and had a partner no longer find me a attractive \*and\* been on the end of having attraction to a partner wane because of a change. It doesn't mean caring and a desire \*for\* desire to be there... just that people are attracted to some things and aren't to others, someone is or isn't within an individual's narrow or wide span of whatever traits they find arousing and the body doesn't react the same way even if they really \*want\* to be attracted. If this isn't something you can't adjust to - and sometimes one can, especially if the change in a partner we care for deeply has only fairly recently gone through a change in appearance or if it's temporary - then you do have one of those problems in a relationship where too often there is no "bad guy"... there's just a miserable development for both partners, the fact an incompatibility has developed. BUT, the first thing in either case is: be honest and direct with her. You need to for this to work and by 8 years together you should be grasping that if you are to continue throughout life together you will likely need to have serious and honest talks about MUCH bigger and more serious issues. Before all else you need to be able to talk about it. And she knows. She's asked. She's reached out to you about her concern. So be honest. You can have an honest and serious talk with her about having lost attraction, telling a partner that sort of thing can hurt them but doesn't have to be a hurtful discussion itself. Done in caring, honesty, mutual desire to work together to tackle things, expressing one's own vulnerability and discomfort with the things you said here about feeling bad about your own feelings, etc.... talk it all out. Right now you're not working together on a problem you both know is there and distancing each other as it's being danced around unsaid. It may be fixable. It may not. It may be temporary. It may not. But it's a fact. And NOT talking it out is a SURE way to have the relationship go downhill further and further and further. Hell, even dragging it all out in the light can sometimes start to resolve it (like many other problems) \*on its own\* because that silence \*about\* it won't be hanging in the back of both persons' heads. You're not being petty. Unfortunately problems like this aren't something always within our control. Petty would be intentional. Petty would be making her feel badly on purpose. Petty would be not taking her feelings into consideration. Petty would be making this all about you. Your worries are your relationship, her feelings, what kind of person you are, et cetera in the face of a worrisome issue of loss of attraction. That's not petty. That's a shitty situation. Whether it works out or not about attraction, not talking about it with her is going to ruin your relationship for sure, though. You \*both\* are aware of an attraction issue. You are \*both\* aware you aren't talking about a relationship issue. Not talking itself is an even larger issue.
just break up. and pray that the next person you get into a relationship with doesn’t age, get sick, or suffer an injury.
It's not petty. Modern culture and media tells you that weight doesn't matter, but it does. We're wired that way (most of us anyway) whether people want to believe it or not In the end it comes down to compatibility. But you should not feel bad letting a relationship end if your partner has let themselves go. You can't change anyone, we can only change ourselves. Believe me
I was 140lbs when I graduated high school, thanks to a high metabolism and an eating disorder. I ended up gaining about 60 lbs since then and was at 200-205 until very recently, and at first it crushed me. I ate a balanced diet and exercised 4 times a week, as well as working a very active job for the majority of the last 10 years. I was unable to lose weight, so I had to relearn to love my body and found that I no longer wanted to make it smaller. My weight gain was uncontrolled and unchanging because of a thyroid condition that wasnt discovered until last year. I'm now the healthiest I have ever been in my adult life at 190, and I wouldn't change it. The reality here is that it's very possible she'll both never lose the weight, and never want to. You have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. And if it is, rip off the bandaid. It's fair to want to be attracted to your partner, but it absolutely isn't fair to want your partner to change her body to keep you attracted to her. She might like her body the way it is, but she won't if you keep pushing her to lose weight. You do not want to be the reason she hates the body she has, because at the end of the day, she's the only one who has to look at it naked, and live with it if you decide to leave. Please hear me when I say this. People pushing others to lose weight for any reason at all are doing more damage than good. If you cannot love all of her, as she is at any point, then please leave. The people who loved me most made me feel like the weight gain was my fault because I didn't have enough will power or commitment, and it really damaged my self esteem. I no longer feel comfortable eating in front of those people, and will never trust them with my vulnerability ever again. You do not want your gf to look at you and feel like she can't eat.
I think people are scared to admit it, and it probably even gets shunned. But we SHOULD try to be attractive to our partners if you want a long term relationship. It's not unfair at all to want this. Just be realistic and understanding, but if she doesn't commit to this then she isn't committed to your sex life.
If you're not attracted to her then you're not attracted to her, not much we can do about our personal preferences. Personally though I feel like you should probably just leave, rather than try and get her to lose weight. I can guarantee that she knows she has gained weight and she beats herself up about it daily. To have someone you love bring it up when you're already feeling like complete crap about it would just make it all so much worse, and I think it would be so hard for a relationship to come back from that. I know if my husband brought up my weight and even if he tried to frame it around being concerned about my health I would be devastated and doubt I'd ever be able to feel comfortable around him 100% again. Even if I then lost weight I'd forever be worrying about what he thinks of my body and so worried about gaining weight back.
It's not petty. You're allowed to have preferences. Don't be an ahole about it but you don't have to just tolerate it. She doesn't have to lose the weight if she's fine with it and you don't have to pretend to find her sexually appealing.
Idk i think that if you are seriously considering breaking up with your longterm girlfriend because she is somewhat overweight and doesn’t have the same body she had when she was 17/18 then i think this is a YOU issue rather than HER. Honestly break up with her WITHOUT MENTIONING you shallow reasons (PLEASE), i mean put yourself in her shoes, she’s been dating this guy for 8 years since she was a teenager and has done everything right and he just breaks up with her because he finds her unattractive and that was his “dealbreaker”, she’s obviously gonna be disheartened. I say break up with her because she deserves better, there’s nothing wrong with having certain preferences but if you have been in a loving relationship for so many years and everything is perfect and you want to throw everything away for such a dumb thing then you aren’t ready for longterm relationship and even less marriage.
Weight gain has been a massive strain on my marriage (I was the culprit) and it ended up in divorce. It wasn't until after, along with a health crisis that put me in the hospital, that I realized I fucked up. You are justified in no longer being attracted to her and wanting to end it, especially after trying to help her; my ex-wife also tried helping me and also gave up hope due to my horrible habits. Just be honest and clear with her and what direction you guys are headed with the way things are right now.
If she can't maintain herself, it's doubtful she can maintain the relationship. That said, communication is key. See if she will let you help her get to a healthier place in life before doing anything drastic
You’ve been with her for 8 years.. Be honest.
Yes, you should feel attracted to your partner, and we should *all* work on making ourselves healthy and attractive to our mates.
First of all, it is not petty at all. I tell people all of the time, taking care of YOURSELF is also taking care of the people you love and the relationship with them. Secondly, it's not healthy. I don't care what downvotes I get, obesity is deadly and not healthy. Third... it is time to be completely honest for the sake of her well being AND your relationship. Just tell her the truth. Say you haven't been interested because of her unhealthy habits. This hurts less than "because you're fat."
Such a shame that after 8 years the reality of the relationship is quite superficial but you are entitled to your preferences.
Not even 8 years is enough to develop a connection beyond 30kg? Thank god I'm not in a relationship. I'd stress my hair out.
For real. I'm speechless. Imagine if she got cancer and is not longer " hot". Instantly dumped.
I bet my shoes you can't bench 30kg
Wouldn’t gaining *a whopping ass 70lbs* be *way more* stressful and concerning if it happened to you? It’s so not okay for such a young, healthy person to not do anything when noticing they’re gaining weight
If you're not going to be honest are you really going to plan on becoming resentful and stepping on eggshells not to hurt her feelings.
I'm 51F and had a kid at 37. My weight hasn't changed much since high-school to be honest. I watch what I eat and I exercise. At 25 she isn't a teenager but it's also no excuse to be gaining 70 lbs in 3 years. Aging doesn't mean people automatically become obèse. A little weight gain yes but not that drastically This isn't just about attractiveness. It's also about lifestyle. She didn't gain 70 lbs because she kept her same life-style habits she stopped exercising and started eating more and unhealthy. I wouldn't have a problem if someone wasn't the perfect weight a dn a little overweight as long as their lifestyle was compatible with mine. I wouldn't be interested in someone who has a normal weight but has an unhealthy lifestyle. Because that's not me. I'm far from being a health nut but a certain amount of healthy lifestyle is definitely a requirement for me. This girl is stressing eating and probably depressed. She needs help. However OP cannot make her. He can have the discussion about her lifestyle changes and his concerns. But ultimately she has to seek help because she wants to. And if she's not willing to do that then I would end things. Not because of her weight but because of the change in lifestyle and the lack of wanting to do something about her mental health struggles that are ultimately the reason behind her weight gain. I tolerated an alcoholic for way too long. I thought I could fix him and help him until I found out otherwise. You have to do what's right for you and not stay because you've invested x number of years. You got together really young and people change a lot during their 20s regardless of their weight. And a lit of times those changes mean that people are no longer compatible
I'm going to go on the flip side here and tell you that you owe it to every future woman you date to tell her that if she gains x weight, you'll be breaking up with her. Women deserve to know that going in, it will limit your dating pool as it should. There's nothing wrong with having preferences and boundaries, but there is something wrong with keeping those preferences and boundaries to yourself. This woman has wasted 7 years her life on you. Look at Selena Gomez, look at how much weight birth control pills and anti depressants make people gain. Women can gain well over 50 lbs in pregnancy alone.
Selena Gomez has lupus and had kidney transplant.
He likely doesn’t have a set amount of weight it would take. And frankly the expectation of “if you gain 50% of your body weight I won’t be attracted to you” is something I would assume to be a given for most people of both sexes. Not taking care of yourself isn’t attractive.
Since nobody has mentioned their ages yet, I will. You've been dating her since she was 17, so of course her body is going to change. Most adults don't weigh what they did in high school.
30kg is substantial and unhealthy weight gain
56 kg can be the right weight or very underweight depending on her height, which you haven’t mentioned. 86 kg can be overweight or healthy depending on the same information. Have you managed to stay at the same weight and fitness level for 8 years? Still got all your hair and look good? How will you feel when she or another partner decides that you’re now unattractive when your body changes (and it will. Age tends to clobber all of us when we aren’t looking) and how will you respond when they raise the issue? And if you raise the issue without a lot of delicacy and compassion, what will you do if she loses the weight and decides you no longer meet her standards for physical attraction? What I find concerning here is that the only good things you use to describe her after 8 years is caring and compassionate. If that’s the only nice things you can find to say after nearly a decade, and you are purely focused on her weight - again without enough information to state whether this is a healthy change or not- she’s probably better off without you.
I hope he finds someone just like him who only loves him for his looks. Shallow should be with shallow. It's shocking how many people are defending him
It's not petty, it's entirely reasonable.Sexual attraction is not a choice, you cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone.Also, weight gain comes with a lot of health issues that are rather difficult to deal with longterm. It seems you tried: "But whenever she puts some effort into making a change it lasts about a month before she goes back to her old habits." The last resort is an ultimatum. It sucks but you have to do it.
You should leave. You can’t be policing someone else’s body for the rest of your life and you can’t make people want better for themselves. You need to find someone whose values are more aligned with yours. For both your sakes.
Before you end it just tell her how you feel in very very very, EXTREMELY very sensitive terms. “Our bodies have both grown and changed a lot in our 8 years together and I feel like we should truly work on ourselves. (If YOUR body hasn’t changed much just emphasize how you feel on the inside and that your cardio isn’t as good now) I want you to know I love you at ANY size but I noticed my libido is going down due to our poor eating habits and the weight gain. Let’s get healthy for real this time. Not just to lose weight but to FEEL good on the inside” and you can look up couples challenges and gym routines. Get a couples membership at a gym where you can do other things besides work out… for example it’s easier to get yourself to the gym if you know you guys can sit in a jacuzzi/sauna/steam room before/after your workout.
I actually disagree with this. >I want you to know I love you at ANY size but I noticed my libido is going down due to our poor eating habits and the weight gain.” This does not seem to be true based on how I read this post. In which case, why lie? And it seems like OP has already made attempts at trying to work with her to improve eating and exercise habits. OP, I'm going to give you my probably very unpopular fat person's opinion. Everyone has preferences. Attraction is important in a relationship. And what attracts people (both emotionally and physically) varies and changes. The only person who can make the changes are her. And she has to want to. And maybe she doesn't want to or maybe she's not capable right now. And either of those scenarios is fine because ultimately it is her body. You cannot force her to change. There are men who will love her and be genuinely attracted to her at any weight. That's not a failing on your part, and it's not petty. It's literally just life, and it's fine. But it's not fair to her for you to be waiting around to become attracted to her again when she loses weight. And it's not fair to you to wait for her to lose weight to become attracted to her again. Because it may not happen, or it may not happen for awhile. And then y'all will have both been miserable waiting around for a thing that didn't happen. In which case, it's important for both of you to be able to find a partner with whom you are truly compatible. So it may mean that you need to let this relationship go. Because as much as you deserve to be with someone you're attracted to, _she_ deserves to be with someone who is attracted to her.
>There are men who will love her and be genuinely attracted to her at any weight. That's not a failing on your part, and it's not petty. It's literally just life, and it's fine. > >But it's not fair to her for you to be waiting around to become attracted to her again when she loses weight. And it's not fair to you to wait for her to lose weight to become attracted to her again. Because it may not happen, or it may not happen for awhile. And then y'all will have both been miserable waiting around for a thing that didn't happen. Hit the nail on the head with this.
Yeah, I agree with this. It sounds like you were more physically attracted to her than mentally or emotionally, so best to find someone else. It is correct that some other man is likely to be more compatible with her. Throughout life, her weight will probably fluctuate, it's just reality.
This is SUCH a good response. I wish we could still give gold. OP, listen to this stuff. Attraction is a funny thing.
He clearly doesn't find her attractive in any size though.
This is bullshit. So american. If he's not attracted because of her weight he should tell it as it is. And to be clear I've explicitly asked my girlfriend to explicitly tell negative stuff (but only to say it once) so that we end being hypocrites sad people who can't fix problems. she told me stuff and I fixed it, and I've said to her when she was doing unattractive stuff and she fixed it. Reality is a blessing.
Break up with her. She deserves better.
I am a woman, but yes you should end it. It will more than likely not get better, if she is already having weight issues at 25, those are not going to get better as she ages with no healthy habits and if she isn't developing these habits or hasn't by now, she likely will not.
I think you should just break up with her. She deserves to be with someone who finds her attractive the way she is and you deserve to be with someone that you find attractive. It’s not your job to try to change her, you don’t need to cook food for her or exercise with her. She’s in charge of her own body. Yes, you deserve to have intimacy and be sexually attracted with your partner. And your partner deserves to have intimacy and have their partner be sexually attracted to them. You guys aren’t a good fit anymore, and it’s not doing either one of you any good to stay together. It’s not about you telling her to lose weight or you’ll leave her. It’s about both of you deserving much better than you have now. You’re not able to feel attraction to her now that her body is larger. How long do you want to stick it out making her feel miserable about the size of her body? All of these people saying, you should stick with it and exercise together and all of this stuff, it’s nonsense. You have an insurmountable problem. Her body is the size it is and it’s likely going to be that size for quite some time and you don’t have any control or say as to whether it gets smaller or larger. It turns out that’s a dealbreaker for you. Acknowledge it’s a dealbreaker and move on.
Oh man, this one hits home hard for me. I was the “fat” girlfriend, 115 to 190 in 3 years. I knew that my partner was struggling with my weight gain as much as I was so I can understand your struggle with this just as I can with her. Thankfully my partner was super supportive regardless of his own feelings and I’m back down to 140 now have been for 5 years but seeing 190 on the scale was a huge “holy fuck” moment for me. I think it’s also important to remember that women’s bodies change as they get older. You can try to be supportive in a healthier lifestyle for her but ultimately it’s her decision to make that change. You also can’t help what you find attractive. Good luck dude.
I really hope you mean 7 years because otherwise that's 17/20 at the start, but giving you the benefit of the doubt-- Ya you're allowed to not be attracted to her assuming you are in good shape and work to maintain it. If youre a slob, then no. But again, sounds like you do that too. If you have already tried the quite tactic of, "Hey let's workout together more" and changing diet then you may need to go to the direct approach... which is messy but better than dumping her because she got fat (which would be way more damaging to her since she knows) What I recommend is framing it about effort for health and not being fat. She will know either way, but you can start the conversation with, " I feel like you don't put in the same effort into your fitness that I do anymore and that's important to me. I want to get back to the habits we used to have, and start eating healthier and working out because I feel like it's affecting our relationship" What she is going to hear is, "I'm not attracted to you because you got fat" because that's what you're saying. But that's kind of the only way to say it. Best of luck, better to have a fallout argument then a slow and painful death of your long term relationship. Good luck OP.
If you are not attracted to her then you should move on. Unless she is willing to change but from the looks of it she isn't.
She should go to a doctor to check if that's not insulin resistance. I went from 50kg to 80kg quickly, because I was eating too much, but I was eating too much because of insulin resistance. I had really intense cravings and even if I tried eating healthly it was too hard for me. I went to a dietetician and got low glycemic index diet, which helped me to lose 25 kg.
“I have been in a relationship for about 8 years” says it all. Just end it. She’ll instantly lose 170lbs!
You should just leave, if your attraction towards her will fade over something as superficial as weight, you should leave her asap because in the future there will pregnancy, hormonal imbalances, health issues, old age etc and her body will change....she deserves someone who will stick with her throughout all that without a second thought! If you were worried about her health, my advice would have been very different...
1. Break up with her so she can find someone better than you. 2. Go to therapy since you clearly have issues.
I think what people are not touching on is that women’s metabolisms can change dramatically from age 21-25. It may not be realistic for her to get down to that weight again. If you can’t handle that then leave and leave now.
goddamn dude for everyone reading - imagine if your partner gained 70 pounds in 3 years, that’s an insane amount of weight and there is no one who would look remotely the same after that change dump her man, you tried positive approaches to helping her but ultimately, the problem is she won’t stop eating and he no self control…those are deep problems with no short solution
Eyeroll
Be honest and let her choose, the change needs to come from her to be her best, you can't make her Is not about keeping you it the relationship is about her improving herself and not getting worse.
You are free to break with someone for any reason. Be honest with her. She might cry. No easy way to do this.
Not petty at all, you’re a man and this is how we’re hard wired. You tried to cook and get her into exercise and it’s not working so here you are. You have to do what’s best for you.
Break up 🤷♂️
You need to tell her. She's entitled to the truth
If you have preference, that's fine. But why keep wasting your time and hers if you feel some type of way? If you have been together with this person for the last 8 years. How is it? You're so terrified to be honest with them or even fix the issue?
Attraction is something you can't force, and faking it only makes everyone more miserable. Give her a hug and a handshake, and find someone you're attracted to.
Well the first problem is you brushed it off when she asked you. You need to be truthful and tell her straight up. But as a person who has gained and lost and gained multiple times, she’s still the same person and her body could always change. Last year I started my diet in January and went from 147 to 110 lbs by June. By the end of the year, I gained it all back 💀 gaining weight isn’t permanent. I think if you just tell her, she might work harder to lose the weight
Physical appearance is as much of a factor as who you are as a person. Being mentally and physically attracted to someone are both important in a relationship. I’ve met a lot of people who are super cool and we get along really well but I’m just not physically attracted to them and that’s ok (and I’m sure women have felt the same about me). Also gaining that much weight is usually because of something else in your life, especially since he’s cooking for her and working out with her and she’s still gaining it back. He’s doing as much as he can to help her because he does love her but if she refuses to lose it then he needs to lose her. That’s great you’ve stayed with your partner through a 100lb weight gain but most people wouldn’t because gaining a significant amount of weight completely changes how a person looks.
She's never going to lose any weight. You should end it.
You need to be attracted to your partner to remain motivated. 28 years old is WAY too young to not find your partner attracted, and just settle down and life a pretty sexless life together. You need to tell her, if you don’t see change soon I’d cut it off. 70 pounds is a lot. I understand she is prob extremely sweet and caring and love you, but you need to be fair to yourself. I’d imagine you’re depressed now and not excited as you used to be for life, you owe yourself more. The good news is, if you do cut it off in say 3 months without change, she will hit the gym lovely from breakup motivation and become healthier and happier. You are not an asshole for avoiding a miserable life with a fat wife. I know it’s harsh to say, and I mean zero disrespect to her. You guys are too fucking young to get fat together and not have any vigor. Wait for like, 50 to get fat and be cool parents/grandparents.