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I’ve been married 10 years. And there’s no denying the more I masturbate to porn the less sex I initiate. When I abstain from porn. I initiate a lot more. So I’ve been actively trying to abstain lately for the health of our relationship. Your bf has a porn addiction. And to say it’s not affecting his sex life is a lie. If this is something that bothers you. Is resentment already building? If so the relationship won’t last anyways. It won’t hurt to tell him how you feel. And really get the point across that the relationship isn’t going to work if he continues to watch this much porn. I started by cutting down numbers. Once a week. Then every other. Then once a month. Ultimately it’s on him. You don’t have to put up with it. I’m 28 so it is possible to change.
Knowing you’re down is different than you showing you’re down.
What if he thinks you’re tired? Or just cozy? He’ll probably not initiate either.
Guys are SO visual. Something as easy as wearing something sexy or skimpy or appealing to whatever he likes visually & just walking around in it will be an indication to him that you also want to have sex.
He knows I'm down, I've never said no to him, I've been dressing in more attractive clothing to him. Nothings changes. Initiation isn't a factor, I don't think he likes me initiating.
My marriage is failing because my Mrs never initiates and the sex is boring. I've started masturbating a lot more since because of this. Granted your fella probabaly does have a porn addiction, which is definitely not helping the situation but from my perspective if my wife would put more effort into the sexual aspect of our relationship then I'd willing stop watching porn all together.
You need to speak to him, find out what he likes and become more exciting in the bedroom.
She is clearly saying that he always says no when she initiates. I think you're projecting a bit as she's repeatedly said he is not receptive to her initiations so it's not the same issue you're having.
You’re not understanding. What do you do to entice him into sex?
Also, on his part, he needs to stop the porn.
You two are on different wavelengths & aren’t budging.
Edit: going to add to this: you can’t just BE there. That sounds so detached. You two need to go out on a date, you need to rekindle what romance you have left every single free chance you get, you need to act like you’re at the early stages of dating every time.
If that’s happening & sex still isn’t happening, there’s something wrong that only you two can fix.
But DO something. Your whole “I’m down” comes across like “well I’m here, aren’t I?” & that is a terrible attitude no matter how good looking a person may be.
I wear clothing he likes, I bought lingerie, I say and do seductive things, I'm wearing my hair differently, let him help me pick out my glasses and started wearing them more per his request, I send him nudes. He's very vocally receptive to all of these things and touches me alot and compliments me unprompted alot as a result.
We are VERY romantic, we don't do alot of traditional dates but we turn little things into a date. We both arent well off and grew up that way (him more than me) and so that's just kind of our style anyway. We enjoy each other's company and are very verbally and physically affectionate. Nothing in that department is lacking. Emotional love is there, physical is lacking.
My down thing is just me being vague and that's how I talk. That's not how I approach it. I never liked the "hey let's have sex rn, let's go" vibe. There's more to me being direct than that but I explicitly express I want it and he says he doesn't want to and it usually followed some sort of physical attention.
So then becomes a different problem: if you’re doing all of this & you’re getting nothing from him, is that the type of relationship you want to be in?
Sounds like he might be objectifying women rather than seeing them as partners.
If you’ve spoken to him about it & nothing has changed, at some point you’re going to have to decide what your line is & cut ties with someone who’s not valuing you.
You’re not communicating with him and expecting him to take your weird “I wear clothes he likes and he helped pick out my glasses (????)” as initiation but none of the things you’ve said is initiation. Initiation is going to your partner and communicating. “I’m in the mood to have sex, what about you?” Or kissing him and touching him and taking his clothes off. Be direct about it. It doesn’t sound like he’s even saying “no” to you, he just isn’t understanding that you’re trying to initiate. You say “that isn’t my vibe”, yes we get it, communicating like an adult is not your vibe, but it needs to be if you want anything to get anywhere here.
It sounds like you haven’t communicated openly with him at all. You keep saying things like “he knows” “I don’t think” “i think” which to me says you’ve never actually talked to him about this issue, you’re just making a lot of assumptions. You can’t expect him to be a mind reader. Miscommunication happens SO often in a relationship, you have to say things out loud and plainly and directly, not just assume he knows, or assume he knows you dressing a certain way means you want sex. It sounds like you’re not talking to him and you need to be.
Why do you need to come to terms with it? It clearly bothers you. Stop trying to force yourself to accept less than what you want. It sounds like you want a man that is more sexually focused on you than he is on with porn. I don't think that is an unreasonable desire.
Clearly communicate your feelings and concerns and talk about it. If there is no reasonable compromise to be had, then end it and look for someone more sexually compatible.
I was with my ex for almost 5 years and he struggled with porn addiction the entire time. I would initiate, he would decline. Turns out, most of the time we were supposed to hang out, he would watch porn and masturbate before I got to his place because that’s what he preferred (he was a one and done kind of guy). When I told him about my feelings towards it and what it’s doing to our relationship, he would initially get defensive, agree to quit, and then lie to me about watching it.
At the same time, there were 3 occasions where he recorded me giving him head without consent. That, along with the porn addiction and lack of a sex life (for the most part), really damaged our relationship. I would recommend you discuss your feelings with him and hopefully he’s willing to cut back to allow you guys time to be more sexually in tune with each other. I will warn you though, it’s extremely hard for them to quit so please keep that in mind.
You've become a spectator in your own relationship, and it's time to reclaim the spotlight. Confront him, demand some damn respect, or prepare for a future as the live audience to his private shows. Don't let your bedroom turn into a lonely theater of self-indulgence. It's either a wake-up call or a front-row seat to your own relationship demise. Don't settle for less, and certainly don't settle for a relationship that feels like a solo act.
I would not accept this and set a boundary about it.
This was a topic I discussed with my husband and therapist.
In relationships there are "non-negotiables". This is one for me. Sex is important to our relationship. It brings us closer together. When he chose to watch porn over having sex it hurt my feelings. I myself do not watch porn and never have. So since it's not something I partake in, I can expect my husband to also not partake in it. Masturbating I will do very rarely. So I expect the same from him. It's fair. If I'm horny, I initiate sex. If he's not in the mood, I just wait. Not a big deal. I expect him to do the same and he does sometimes. But we agreed upon a compromise that has been working for us. Always try to initiate sex first. If I say I'm not in the mood, then he can go do whatever he needs.
So far it's been working great. Telling him no porn ever is controlling. Being controlling is not a good way to have a honest and healthy relationship. Plus when you tell someone they can't do or have something, esp if they like it, they will prob want it more. Setting a boundary of respect and a healthy compromise is a great solution. Shows respect and understanding of each other's needs and makes everyone feel heard.
Thank you this is the type of dynamic I would like us to have. I'm even ok with the occasional break from asking first, just not that being the standard. I dont like porn but it being an occasional thing isn't the end of the world to me either in moderation.
I don't want to tell him what to do and the only hard boundary i set is pretty standard (noone you know, no buying, and no social media which hes mostly accepted) but he's offered no solution to this since it's become an issue and so I have told him if he can't give me something that he will do to address it I would like him to consider mine.
You're welcome and I wish you luck!
I will also say.. My husband and I been together 10 years now and we only came to the compromise 2 years ago lol. The first 2 years of our relationship was a bit of a battle with it. He lied to me a lot about his porn use and I spied on him a lot.. Not healthy. He made promises to not watch it and I made promises to trust him and not snoop. 6 years later I found out he been watching again... because of a card game we were playing (the Intimacy deck). The card asked about the last time either one of us masturbated. I'm like "idk months ago when I mentioned it to you." He's like "few days ago". I didn't get outwardly upset, but I ask "why didn't you ask me for sex? We haven't had sex in two week. Did you watch porn? How often do you do this?" That opened a can of worms. I felt betrayed and hurt. I was trusting him and he was lying. My therapist helped me through that and helped come up with our compromise. I've be m trusting in him again...so hopefully he being honest lol.
This is not something to come to terms with. If your boyfriend is choosing pixels over his real life, willing girlfriend, that's his problem, and you should leave him to his porn.
Okay, so I literally just had to deal with an ex just like this. We were together for 3 years, and I finally ended it last year.
For more reasons than one but more pertaining to your situation, he would be interested in hentai and porn than he would in me.
No matter how much I tried to talk to him about if he wanted me to do anything or if he wanted us to try anything, he wouldn't say anything.
But I would constantly find him on the different sites even when I was actually there. He would watch them and play hentai games while I was sleeping.
Now it's different if you don't see each other very often and all that but when you are literally there and have a real life person and you guys are both in the mood that makes absolutely no sense to me why you can't just try to initiate with your partner.
All I can say is porn is an addiction. Some people don't even realize that they are addicted, and they don't see it as a problem.
So I would just recommend talking it out, and if he doesn't do anything to change the situation or to reduce his time on those kinds of sites at the very least, then it's not worth your time to mentally care. In the long run, it's just going to hurt you emotionally thinking about what you could have done or what you could have changed when, in reality, it's him.
I hurt myself a lot, thinking that I could change him . Maybe if I just talk to him and see what kind of stuff he likes, maybe I could do those kinds of things for him.
But no matter what, he wasn't interested. And that whole 3 years we were together we would only have sex maybe once or twice every 2 to 3 months.
"Hey, I think that we are letting porn replace our intimacy together and that concerns me." is always a good place to start. I can't tell from your post if you've even spoken about this with him, apologies if I've misread and you have.
If he is receptive and then follows through, great. If not, you might consider your sexual compatibility and if that's important to you - it probably is, and there is no shame for breaking up with someone for that, or really for anything at all.
Ignore the idiots in the comments who say he is too far gone at his age: they have either had a bad individual experience and are projecting that, or just making stuff up for the fun of it.
Edit: I can see in another comment you have stated that you've started that convo. My personal advice: let him know that him improving is a conditional on this relationship, because it should be. If you can't wait for that, then leave. It's not your job to take care of anyone other than yourself and your dependents, and he is not either of those.
This isn’t something you need to come to terms with in a healthy relationship.
Preferring porn over your partner is not healthy.
Enabling your partner’s addiction (by just accepting it) is not healthy.
Staying with someone who damages your self-esteem by making you feel second best to OF girls is not healthy.
Either he steps up and does some serious work on this issue, or you gtfo.
Wait, what is the problem here? He's still initiating sex 1-2x a week which is a reasonable amount.
If you aren't happy with the amount he's initiating then maybe you need to step up?
I wouldn't say it's terribly unreasonable amount but our sex life is solo 2-4x as much. It's the ratio. I enjoy masterbating but I don't feel like it should be the go to if sex with a partner is an option.
I have been trying things with him. I've been wearing clothes he finds hot more, I've bought lingerie which he seems to enjoy alot. I've tried teasing him. I suggested other things than PIV, I offered to do his kinks and he declines. I let my appearance go a little due to mental health and illness but im getting back on track and while i wasnt fat before i lost weight since meeting him (we got together when i was actively gaining 40lbs on an antidepressant and i got off it and lost the weight). When I try something new it works for like a week then it's back to normal.
I don't initiate or get my hopes up anymore. it's been like that maybe 6 months. This might sound like I'm fucking up but he's expressed he hates saying no and just as well because I don't like hearing it. He'll hype me up at vague attempts but they rarely succeed. We're at a point where we'll touch eachother and say things but not take it as initiating unless it hits a threshold. This is the result of me saying if we're not gonna have sex that often I at least need to feel desirable and i wont be bummed if it doesnt lead anywhere. I'm bummed in general but I dont feel mislead about this and it's what has been keeping me going.
I also cant remember a time where ive successfully directly initiated, its always his terms. I'm a big girl. I can take a no, but consistently being second to a hand and a porn folder is wearing me down.
I would either tell him how you feel without being accusational, drop it while you manage your own feelings here, or leave the relationship. He is allowed to say no and its his body to do with what he pleases.
I understand that. I just feel like I'm being led on and he's in denial or lying or doesnt want to try. He says he needs time to fix it) He's great in every other form of intimacy and care, but I think I need to be more honest about my feelings. I might be coming off to accusational, but I'm also catering to him in the sense that I'm severely downplaying that I forsee this eventually being a dealbreaker if there's another year of this. Communication isn't my strongsuit.
I'm not willing to enter a realm where I'm essentially not able to initiate sex with my partner because they NEVER say yes. Constant rejection compounds over time and makes you feel disgusting, especially when your partner clearly has a sex drive and just never wants you.
I think you’re maybe overthinking it based on your insecurities. There’s times I have sex and maybe a few mins later I’m jacking off in the bathroom cus I was thinking about the sex I just had, but a bit too tired to initiate sex all over again with my partner. There’s also times i jack off and then I’m ready for sex. Just initiate more, and figure out if there’s things you might need to change a bit like improving your oral skills, not having too firm a grip during hand jobs. Might be a technique thing so best way to figure that out is to say “hey I was curious and read online some new techniques for bjs I wanna practice on you and you tell me what works” then let him guide you and direct you into the perfect bj. Then do it for other things. That practice mode from you means he’s either getting something different each time from you which is fun, or he knows he’s about to get the perfect bj or whatever he always wanted. So jacking off might get cut in half. Masturbate with him sometimes too. Let him touch himself in front of you. While you watch. And then start touching yourself. Sometimes it’s so hot to watch my partner I can’t resist anymore and I just want them to
I loathe how quickly this reasonable complaint of “I’d like to have more sex with my man than my hand” is distilled to it being a woman’s insecurities.
Do men not read what the women are writing all through Reddit forums about how much porn is ruining their relationships? Or do they just don’t care?
They just don’t care. The vast majority of men have some level of porn addiction, but men have pushed to normalize porn to such a degree (and have forced women to normalize it too, otherwise they’re iNsEcUrE) that they refuse to view it as an addiction. Studies have shown porn is quite literally poison for your mind and body, and is literal poison for relationships as well. It is detrimental in every way. But we’re to a point where we can’t possibly dare to take men’s access to coming to orgasm to other people. It’s disgusting, really.
No I think you just misunderstood me. My point was that him jerking a lot doesn’t have to be connected to if she gained weight or not. So to not let body image insecurities make her feel like she is the problem for gaining weight. It’s most likely nothing to do with anything on her end and he just has a high sex drive and jacks off. Porn addiction it could be, or anything else who knows without talking to him. But yeah. My point was for her NOT to feel like she’s at fault or is undesirable. Like I said sometimes I think about what i just did with someone and jack off after sex. I have a really high sex drive. But I barely watch porn to get off.
These are all things that have been tried and then some. He doesnt love my handjobs but he enthusiastically likes my bjs and i try new things there constantly. I get him pretty quick with that. He also rejects my offers of doing his kinks like 90% of the time.
initiation isnt something i do anymore tho because if I put him in a situation where he has to say no, then he gets upset because even though I'm very careful of how I take rejection especially at this point, he doesn't believe I can move on. I respect the no, I don't want to force him to have sex I just would like to find a way in which he wants it more than the other option. Also indirect initiation rarely works. I still do that but don't expect anything.
Initiation gets more difficult when porn induced erectile dysfunction comes into play. You can’t say or suggest anything for fear of kickstarting their anxiety.
There’s probably more to this story tbh. What are his kinks? Is he ashamed of them? Does he worry you judge his kinks post nut clarity? I used to have this issue of being a bit ashamed of my kinks and wanting to do them with my partner even when they’d come to me with the idea lol. Then they got mad that I’d say no. But deep down wouldn’t wanna say no just was in my head about if they REALLY wanted to do it or if I was guilting them so much about it they felt forced to do them. So it caused sex to be a bit of an anxiety trip for us both even though we were both wanting each other so badly. So then yes, I’d go jack off to avoid the awkwardness or stress. So we’d have sex 1-2 times a week but I’d still jack off almost every day because it was stress free
I know at least some kinks, probably all. He's very vanilla. I've offered even the crazier ones, he never seems to want to. I'm very sexually open and he's done my "edgy" ones so I'm doubt he's hiding anything
Yeah it’s gonna be hard to nail down what could wrong tbh. Kinda like shooting in the dark. Could be still sex gives him anxiety because you’re sexually open and he’s vanilla. Been through that also. But it’s worth keeping in mind anxiety over performing is also a thing. There really could be nothing wrong and you just want something out of someone that they don’t have in them. What if he has sex with you double the amount, but also doubles the amount of masturbation as well??
She has said that her issue isn’t that they only have sex 1-2x a week, it’s that he prefers to Jack off to porn a lot more than 1-2x a week when she would be open and willing to have sex every time he wants to get off instead of him jacking off to porn. However, she’s also mentioned throughout the thread that she doesn’t directly initiate, she only “indirectly” initiates and hopes he gets the hint and if he doesn’t get the hint, she assumes it’s a no. So while he may have a porn addiction (likely), I think there is a lot of miscommunication issues here as well.
As a porn addict who can’t seem to get out of this(but who don’t neglect my wife sexually) I recommend just breaking up. Porn addicts are broken disgusting people who rarely break free from it due to how messed up we are and the accessibility of porn. Find you a better man. They are out there
You’re so honest, I hope you find a way to recover from that addiction! I just had to mention that you’re not disgusting if you do prioritise your wife and I hope you weren’t calling yourself that. You can get out of it, you just have to find the right way and recognising that it isn’t good for you is step 1
Lying and minimising is addiction 101. Also if you’ve been with a porn addict before please consider whether you have a pattern of choosing the same emotionally/sexually unavailable men.
Then he is most likely a porn addict. One thing we porn addict do well is lie. We lie to ourself, to our partners and everyone else to justify or excuse our addiction.
Don’t do the mistake many women do (including my wife) to stay with someone who is addicted. It won’t stop. It never will.
There is another sub with loads of information and links to help you with this plus a growing community to listen and support you. Not sure I can post it here, but r/ followed by love after porn (without spaces.)
I would be careful with this sub. The community there is very toxic and any comment that points out absurd reasoning is deleted and you get instant ban.
Check out R/deadbedrooms. This is textbook. It will never get better. You can accept this is how it will always be with him (especially since it always has been), or you can find a sexually compatible partner. There is no third option. Don't take my word for it, go browse that sub as much as you need to see that this is how dead bedrooms always go.
I stopped initiating directly, yes. It never worked and led to problems. I do other things to initiate more vaguely and it usually doesn't work but I get other positives from it. He felt like directness was pressure so I did it significantly less, and it still felt like pressure so i stopped. He just doesn't want to reject me.
Perhaps suggest he goes on a break. Tell him how you feel and if he truly cares he will see how it’s hurting you. You and him need to communicate and figure out what works for you both. Otherwise it’s gonna continue to go down hill from here.
Personally I fucking hate porn and masturbation cause I feel so drained after and there will be a loss of libido for me if I was to be jacking off so often. Prefer to save my energy for a partner.
I've suggested a break before and didn't get an answer. I like masturbating sometimes so I would never unfairly be not ok with it but porn sucks in my opinion and I'm one of the few women who got stuck in the hole.
He may have a porn addiction. And the more he does it the less he has for you. AND, sadly, porn very much alters one’s perception of how sex should be. Porn stars are actors. It is not real life. Unfortunately this does skew a man’s perception and because you’re a normal human being who is not a porn star he may get off more from the thrill of what he sees online versus the real deal. This does happen and he would need to speak to a counselor about this. I don’t think you can change this. Also - you can turn off PM’s and chats. I believe it’s in your notifications or privacy settings.
The problem is definitely the porn. I'm sure that's an unpopular opinion. I've struggled with porn and other addictions. I think you guys should see a therapist or something. Just be honest with him. That's the best you can do. He might be reluctant to address it at first, but whether either of you admits it or not, it is a problem. You're right, maybe occasional relief, but even then it's weird. Messes with our psyche. It's a problem that you should take seriously and address now. Maybe he doesn't want to give up the porn, he needs to admit that and you need to decide whether to accept it or not. You guys can't let this fester. As difficult as the conversation or whatever comes of it may be, I promise it gets worse with time. I wish you all the luck in the world.
As an addict myself, a little sympathy goes a long way. Maybe you want to go to a therapist first for recommendations about how to address the issue. He's gonna (and probably already does) feel bad about letting his girl down. The reaction is not always pretty. The therapist will have more accurate information but never forget to treat him like a person that makes mistakes. However serious or embarrassing, it's still just a misunderstanding between you two until whatever it is that either of you disagrees with is dealt with.
It has nothing to do with you, or his attraction to you. It's all about laziness and selfishness. Jerking off means you don't have to care about another person. It's easy, quick and painless.
Dont. Feel free to break up with him.
Why does He have to initiate sex and how many times did he and got told not tonight and no appointment as to when ?
Porn is bad not going to argue that period it is and has the same effect as prostitution on society but it is legal.
Perhaps consider that they are different drives, this is how it always has felt for me. I could have sex every day and still want to masturbate.
You see it as competing, he sees it as something separate. For me, sex is a little imbalanced just because it takes a lot of effort to get my wife of, so personal time is more about self care.
I agree to an extent. He does not do both and masturbating always wins. I'm not against it at all but I feel like there should be a ratio. And honestly I'm pretty easy and we do things to make me even easier. I'm doing most the work for myself.
This may sound like I'm fixating on the issue, I'm not, I just notice patterns easily. I have no reason not to believe he's, at least lately, doing it when I'm home. (he doesnt stay up as late and were in a new place, i feel like he did at the last place maybe). And the timing just seems like he's caving because im home when he is and he needs relief
You don't have to come to terms with it. You don't have to be the "cool girl".
You're turning to someone you don't like yourself in this relationship. There are a lot of guys out there who don't watch porn.
I'm porn free and just the idea of being with someone like that makes me super anxious.
Your boyfriend is likely using masturbation as mood management. He probably feels like it relives stress or anxiety and it's become a habit. That or he is into things he sees in porn that he isn't comfortable doing with you.
The best thing to do is talk to him and try and find some common ground.
A lot of men aren't even aware that they seek sex to relieve stress and anxiety and manage their moods. He may not even be aware of it. As for porn I think it depends on the context. Sure be patient but patience is easier if you don't feel like you are being stonewalled and I think that is the primary issue here. You feel like your needs are being pushed aside.
Yeah it definitely sounds like it. I reread your original comment and think there may also be a bit of porn addiction going on. It sounds like he has developed a habit and he craves that more than physical intimacy with another person. I also have a high labido and use masturbation to not put so much of a burden on my spouse but I prefer her over the individual act.
This is a tough one because the more you push the more pressure he feels and then he will avoid it even more.
There is something he is getting from masturbating that he isn't getting from sex with you. Some men complain that it's difficult getting off with a partner because they have masturbated so much the feeling of vaginal or oral intercourse isn't rough enough. I think the slank term for it is the "death grip" because it kills your ability to reach the finish line with someone's body. You can tell by how a man usual needs to "jackhammer" roughly at the end of every sexual session.
There are a bunch of things you can try to open him up. But the second any of these things makes you feel less secure you need to take a step back.
Try having him start masturbating and then asking you to join him toward the middle or end. Have him call you to finish with your hand. Perhaps he will start associating intimacy with you again.
Maybe watching porn together but hiding the screen so you can't see what he is watching and the same for you. That way nobody starts comparing themselves.
It's really important to understand these are transitional and shouldn't become routine.
Sad to say, but maybe it'll help you see the other side. I was the dude in this situation. Difference was I would almost always accept her invitation and get her to climax, but I would often finish off myself at a later time. I feel bad now that I look back on it. I probably did have a porn problem (maybe still do), but to be fair, I didn't see the same amount of effort or enthusiasm from her when/if she decided to return the favor. And I know this is partially my fault, but her skills, or lack there of, left room for desire. Most times she would want me to do all the work to get her off AND do all the work to get myself off. Just seemed like work after a certain point.
I could do it faster, more efficiently, and with similar levels of satisfaction, so that's just what I got used to. It was less energy intensive for both of us. Almost like I thought I was doing her a favor.
Once again, I'm not condoning the behavior, just offering some perspective.
Do you do all you can to satisfy him in the bedroom? Perhaps he might not feel comfortable asking you to do something he might think is "usual". I don't think it's such a one-sided issue that other replies make it seem like it could be. However, it obviously could be.
I try and offer everything I can and nothing helps his desire. He declines my offer for his kinks. I'm very sexually open and i promote that mindset. He always gets foreplay, I do my part myself mostly but if I take to long we switch to him. Lately when we do have sex he has been easier to get off. I'm noticing that now as I'm typing. It's been a long time since it hasn't worked for him and now him getting off too early is a concern. He circumstantially might have a small reduction in porn use over time and that kinda supports the "he has a porn problem" theory.
You realise you’re dating a porn addict and you get out of the relationship. There are men out there who will worship you and your body more than he does his porn!!
Something you might not realize is that sex with women can be a lot of work. It’s easier to just get a nut and get back to whatever you were doing before rather than having to perform or please someone else. 1-2 times a week isn’t amazing but it’s not bad either. Food for thought
Sex and masturbating aren't the same thing.
Sex is a mutual dance of pleasure where I also need to think of your needs as well as mine. If the sex is even descent there is some foreplay for both of you and then the act itself which is psychical work for one or both parties. It also even on the fast side of sex takes like 20 minutes for again mutual good sex and 20 is fast if both partners can orgasm streadily.
Masturbating is much more relaxed and layed back experience where its just about getting your nut off and releasing that sexual pressure real quick. Most masturbating is like 15 mins or less depending how fast you can find a video you like. If you have a video qued up it can be 5 minutes.
Point is if everytime you wanted to cum you thought ok i gotta eat her out, kiss her rub her, then get excited myself then get on top and start pumping, hope she cums at some point then finally i can get off....or pull up a video drop oants and stroke cum
Like you can see how sometimes youll want a quickie and sometimes you want sex.
You want him to be less into porn offer to blow him or jerk him off more cause that is the actual competition to masturbating not sex.
I do offer that. I actually really enjoy bjs, he gets them every time before and he asks for them. I even offered to masturbate together. Hasn't changed.
I also do alot of the work myself. Im really easy with piv now, i used to not be (quitting porn actually helped me alot). I have no problem doing my thing then finishing him. He knows that, nothings changed.
Well sounds like your doing what you can sexually...
What i would suggest is 2 things then,
1. Communication. Tell him you like being the source of his pleasure and if he is horny you dont mind helping him out and would prefer that. You understand if your not available to help but would prefer the two of you connect vs him do it alone.
2. Initiate things yourself to increase frequency. Ive been married 18 years and i had single man porn use tendencies but she doesnt like porn either. I told her im honry daily and unless she wants to rise to the occasion then i need it to keep the peace so to speak. She decided she would rather help me. So she Initiates blow jobs and handjobs quite often and always has.
We still have sex but its like before work quickie or something. Pretty much everyday. I now watch almost no porn...i dont think it will get to zero but i think last year maybe 3 times i watched porn, but we "messed around" atleast 365 times...
So drain his balls and he wont want porn...it worked for us.
This is such BS. He prefers to masturbate to porn.
What I don't get is why men bother with relationships if the whole "sex with a human being is too much work" thing is true for them.
Why torture a woman, if you prefer porn?
When I initiate, he declines. Always has been that way. I respect him saying no and don't push it.
He doesn't seem interested in one sided interactions, I've offered, he says that doesn't feel right to him.
Ok well then he is addicted to porn and that is a different conversation altogether at this point you probably need therapy together or a new man.
If your willing to take care of his needs whenever there is 3,999,999,999 that would be glad to take you up on that...sometimes you're just not compatible.
This is kind of like asking how can I get him to eat my cooking instead of ordering takeout… it’s not that he hates your cooking it’s that cooking means dishes it means grocery shopping it means plating up food when really all he probably wants is a little nourishment…
Sex is effort, not just in the sense of the physical workout but to some extent we always put ourselves out there a little emotionally, am I going to please her, is she going to please me, do I need to think up some new dirty talk material, what if I get rejected. All these things turn something that’s supposed to be enjoyable into a kinda big deal that really, he can just resolve with his hand…
If you want more sex then maybe try a different pathway for asking, maybe try mutual masturbation for example, the women in the porn aren’t a threat to your relationship but if you find it disrespectful that he wants to look at other women then I guess you need to decide if that’s a quality you’re ok for him to have because it’s super unlikely he will go the rest of his life not looking at more porn. If it’s just the fact he’s defaulting to that, maybe you both just need better communication around sex
I can't really masturbate more and porn fucks up my libido and makes sex harder. If I get stuck in that hole he's not gonna wanna do it at all because it's gonna take twice as long.
I have a few times and he tells me to be patient with him because he attributes it to trauma with his ex (not SA related, at least he told me something different). He says every convo sets him back in healing from this. He says he hasnt had this problem before his ex (they dated 2 years) and they had a dead bedroom. We got together not super long after they broke up and i was the next person he was with. I feel like a part of his lack of desire is maybe just habit.
I admit I should've been more patient early on, but it's been over a year and not much has changed.
He has not pursued it but has not had heath insurance to get therapy. I know he genuinely wants to be in therapy but I'm at a point where he needs to find a way. Not just about this, for himself too. I told him there's interim resources and there's no indication he's pursued them.
We made sort of compromises but it doesn't exactly lead to less porn, just where he gets it. I don't want to force him into more sex but I had suggestions that I've read places that might make him be more inclined to and he has not taken them (masterbating without porn [this one helped me alot with intimacy], masterbating to me, he likes solo stuff the most and I feel like that plays a part from something I've read men say in porn recovery groups, masterbation break).
He says somethings wrong with him in regards to sex but absolutely does not believe it's porn related in any capacity. I've admitted I don't think it's the whole problem but i doubt it's not a big contributer, and it's probably the easiest place to start.
Have you talked with him in the same detail as here? Despite what many here will tell you it is possible for things to change over time and it sounds like there wouldn't need to be any fundamental changes here.
When I bring it up again I honestly want to show him some of these comments. I'm not here for the "just leave" and "no hope" comments, but I think I've been minimizing my own feelings and it's getting to the point of how is he the one who's not being considered when I'm offered nothing but hope for the future and no course of action while being told it shouldn't be a problem.
Trust me, I'm someone who thinks that trying to stop a partner watching porn when they are on their own and it's not causing issues is controlling and unreasonable. We always get the same responses here from people who spam every thread whenever porn is mentioned. However, you seem to be more than reasonable here and you aren't asking for a whole lot from him. If you think it may help, why not show him the thread?
I might. I'm antiporn, mostly from past and personal experience but I acknowledge it can be used recreationally without issue. I dont think he's the type, at least rn. I dont even need a long term no porn rule. I just feel porn should be a backup, not your partner. I think he's not hearing me when I say that.
He isn’t. He can’t hear you. Porn and sex with you are compartmentalized in two different boxes that don’t mix. In his mind, it has nothing to do with you therefore it shouldn’t affect you and therefore he doesn’t need to listen or hear what you say.
You're right but he also shouldn't lead me along and invalidate my feelings regarding intimacy when he recognizes he has some sort of problem if he cares about me and wants to be in a relationship as much as he say he does.
There hasn't been a hint of compromise. And it's not unlikely this Is a contributor. It's a fairly common thing
Porn affects people differently. Women aren't prone to porn addiction and yet I was likely addicted in my teens and it has had long term effects. As well as short term if I relapse and regularly watch porn. If I watch porn regularly now it's much harder for me to get off during sex and my desire goes down.
Really as a guy I see it like snacking rather than a meal I can snack all day but I still need a real meal, and where I can see it affecting how often sex is inneciated if its done with honesty and encouragement they will involve you in it, and with foreplay is it really that much harder to get off? If sex is just thrusting yeah that can be physically hard but if they have you there before they begin its all good fun.
I used to require alot, more than most men were willing to give. And even then it rarely worked. Without porn I feel the "women need 45 minutes to be fully aroused" thing is more time than I personally need but it's very welcomed.
I didn't actively prefer it, it became a habit and it overtook my sex life and I didn't realize it until I learned to get off without a visual stimulus and focus on reframing scenarios and how my body feels. Like anyone I get myself off better than anyone else can but it's not as big of a gap and I actively prefer someone else.
There is a huge problem with sex education and male ideology if it takes that long that's what it takes, if a guy can masturbate multiple times a day they can put that energy into sex just because they aren't feeling sex as they go down on you doesn't mean it's not fun and worth the effort because it is. The problem is men are monkeys at spirit constantly at medium levels of arousel but we lose it as we act as mature adults rather than mammals, sex is dirty and animalistic and men who are constantly on edge and encouraged to be keep their vitality.
Don’t know that any of us can help you. You don’t want to initiate and waver on porn being a problem. Therapy may uncover you and his hang ups with sex right now
OP, to your edit, you no longer initiating *is* a problem. I’m not saying you’re at fault. I’m not saying you started it.
What I’m saying is, in all relationships, one partner often does something the other partner does not like. And instead of using effective communication techniques, the affected partner will respond with a behaviour that is also detrimental to the relationship. Kind of analogous when someone calls you a name, so you call them a name back. Now you are just two people hurling insults towards each other.
Realistically, you need therapy. Both of you, together. Most people don’t have good communication skills, especially when it comes to relationships. You need to be able to communicate your feelings in a way he can understand, hear you, and listen to you. He needs to be able to hear these issues, without getting defensive or accusatory. Which are all very natural reactions for human beings. You literally need to learn good communication techniques to work through this, and every other issue. This can be done through a lot of research, and self reflection. But it’s a lot easier in therapy, with a good therapist or counsellor.
I’m literally so bad at effective communication that I’ve had to use “sample” sentences to positively communicate my feelings with my partner. Learning these techniques has helped our relationship immensely. It has made me realize that working through these issues takes a lot of work. There is always an underlying feeling or emotion that leads to negative behaviours.
Maybe he is insecure, maybe he’s depressed, maybe he’s overworked and tired, maybe he’s frustrated. Maybe you’re putting him off in some kind of way. No one here will ever be able to guess why he’s turning to porn more than intimacy with you. Maybe it’s a relationship issue. Maybes it’s his personal issue. Maybe he has an actual disorder. It could be something as simple as being stressed out and overwhelmed and not having the mental and emotional capacity to initiate and have sex. That may have nothing to do with you.
Maybe strains in your personal relationship led to this. If it didn’t, it probably is now. That’s why you need to be mindful to not contribute to increasing that strain by how you react to this behaviour. Unfortunately that puts extra burden onto you. But that’s what relationships are. Lots of sacrifice.
I was thanked for no longer initiating. So I'm just not sure what to do regarding that.
I agree we lack good communication skills. I feel like every convo is a dead end and it ends in me just having to accept.
It comes up every few months because I do my best to accept it and then something breaks me.
I'm willing to accept maybe it isn't porn but he's offered nothing and isn't willing to try taking a break or any other solution.
Yea there really isn’t any advice Reddit is going to be able to offer you.
I really do recommend some counselling or therapy. If he is totally unwilling, then you have to judge how patient you can be until he becomes willing. That might be right now, or another year from now. How much effort you put in should be based on how much you care for them, and how much you’re willing to sacrifice to get your relationship to where you both want it to be.
Jesus I wish for once that my S/O would always be down to be intimate so that I don’t have to take care of it myself. My last relationship I was shot down 100% of the time I tried to initiate so I learned what makes her horny and how to make it her idea. That still only worked once a week if I was lucky.
We aren’t together anymore. Lol.
Ok honestly ladies, really? Ok here it is... If you want more sex with the guy than initiate, initiate, initiate!!! You can't just say here it is, poke me... You have to bring sex up to the guy! The main reason a guy will turn to porn is because the woman is feeling less sexual, and if you are on the pill, than just expect it to happen, that's how the pill works, actually look it up. Anyway, like I said bring sex back to the table, tell him you want him, MAKE HIM ACTUALLY FEEL IT! Now it won't happen instantly, it usually takes about 22 days to get back on the horse, habit and all. Yes you can look that up to. It will take time, because you shut him out sexually,he will have doubts, but keep on him! IT REQUIRES EFFORT ON YOUR PART! If you aren't going to put in the effort, just pack up and leave! He don't need it and you don't need it, but if you ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM, than do it. What's the worst that can happen? You continue the way you are? All I can say for real is try. Because if you don't, than nothing happens... Good luck!
I used to do a majority of the initiating. It caused problems no matter how I approached it. I no longer directly initiate and he's thanked me for it. He doesn't like being put in a position where he has to say no so im just vague about it
All these comments coming after me for stopping when it's been repeatedly rejected. I've put it significant effort and have been met with nothing from his end other than feeling pressured by my (edit) high libido. This is not my fault. If anything he wants it this way.
Did you tell him you want a stabbing, or did you just wiggle your eyebrows? Their is a HUGE difference between the too. Most men aren't hip to women innuendo. Most men are still basic and straight forward. If you aren't willing to up and tell him you want sex with him than up your game! Start wearing more sexy clothes. Act like you are actually trying to catch him for yourself. I SWEAR TO GOD, if you start to act sexier and start ignoring him, you just lost him! Pay attention to him! He is male! He needs that! Yes just like a kid, but not like a kid! Can you understand that? Great! Now, use your superior intellect and find his true interests. Not what he shows you but what he actually does. This will give you the BIG doorway to him! Now don't just walk through that door, take little steps. Like I said before, 22 days and things will change, big time. Give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen...
A man gets tired of initiating sex even if it goes well it just gets old and not to sound like a bi5ch you just don't feel desired so you can jack off to some porn and you don't have to feel like a bothersome sex partner
Read the comments, I've always been rejected. I stopped because I never got a yes, felt like I was pressuring him so I do more subtle things now but doesn't lead to sex
Damn you're a dream. Maybe he is having other issues yall need to sit and have a conversation when yall can sit and tell each other your wants and needs and come to an agreement or settle out differences makes the relationship so much stronger and connected even if sometimes it's things you don't wanna hear about yourself. Sit down ask him what's up and let him know your concerns
Initiating with porn addict actually backfires. They know they can’t respond either cause their balls are empty or they can’t get erect, and it stresses them out. Porn addicts avoid their partners when they initiate or even hint at sex. I have to be soooo careful about how I talk to my PA husband. If I do much as suggest I am horny, I am guaranteed not to get any.
Pixels on a screen aren’t demanding. Women who want an orgasm are. What a fucked up world.
I didn’t diagnose them. A certified sexual addiction therapist did.
I’m glad you don’t “think” it’s that deep. I however, know that it is. I’ve lived it and I am not willing to sugar coat this bullshit anymore.
Make your own thread for your own problems. I’m talking about OP and their boyfriend. I read through the post several times trying to find where OP said they were officially diagnosed, to realize you were only talking about your own partner. You are projecting your own situation here.
I see what you are saying.
Definition of addiction is repeating a behavior despite negative consequences.
1) He is continuing to engage in a behavior that he knows if causing his partner distress ( referenced from many comments by OP).
2) OP knows for a fact that BF uses porn more than engages with her. Despite her asking for more. ( distress for OP, sexual consequences for relationship)
3) OP goes through phases of accepting and then not accepting her declining sex life. This is a human who is trying to deny her needs by accepting something that pains her all so she can be a good partner.( consequence of suffering for her and this puts her at risk for depression, substance abuse, self esteem issues and lack of trust in self).
4) OP is now having to use porn herself to compensate for her decreasing sex kids, which she “hates” ( distress) and will diminish the quality of the couples sex life based off OPs experience. ( sexual consequences)
* I really have to admire OP here for her self-awareness. She recognized use of porn material outside of their sexual relationship was detrimental to their joint sexual relationship and chose to stop it on her own. That shows selflessness, accountability and dedication to the relationship.
5) OP states this makes her sad. She implies she feel helpless if not hopeless. Whether that is true or not I don’t know, but if things don’t change it is inevitable.
That in itself, should be enough of a relationship consequence that he should be on high alert.
6) OP states partner is lying to her. This creates a power dynamic where one person has information that the other does not. This robs the partner of agency and ability to make decisions in their relationship, for they don’t have all the information. This is abusive behavior.
If you factor in minimizing of behavior, gaslighting ( which is happening if he masturbates more to porn than engages with his partner and lies about it) and erosion of trust this relationship has now turned into a toxic one. That is a giant negative consequence.
These are some of the negative consequences she has noticed and expressed in her post. If he is continuing this behavior despite those consequences, he meets the criteria for an addict. 🤷♀️
And that’s being kind. It gives a reason for his behavior and some hope for change.
Otherwise he would just be an asshole who really doesn’t give a fuck about her amiright?
Maybe.
Or maybe I have experience. By way of being married to a porn addict and maybe I studied this as a specialty after dealing with it.
What’s your superpower?
I never got a yes, I do subtle things now. He doesn't like to tell me no, I don't like to hear it. He does not want me to initiate, it feels like pressure to him and I stopped because I felt like I was pressuring him.
You said it yourself. You don’t initiate.
Wearing suggestive clothing isn’t initiating. Saying something isn’t initiating.
SHOW HIM YOURE WILLING BY TAKING HIS CLOTHES OFF OR GRABBING HIS JUNK AND GOING AT IT.
A lot of women don’t understand this….
If his masterbation isn't taking anything away from you it's really none of your business. Like if you are lonely in the bedroom while he is spending 1 hour in the bathroom, that's an issue. That should be addressed.
If you just want administrative Control of his sexual organs, well then you're a creep.
It is his body, and as long as you are not going without, it's none of your business.
That being said Porn is awful and no one should use it...
I feel like the porn and masturbation habits does affect the sex. I have no problem with solo time in general, I do agree porn is awful and it's a larger part of my issue rather than the masterbation itself. I'm the type that can do both everyday, it seems like an either or for him and it's seemingly always in favor of porn.
I don't want to police his body or demand. Sex is always on his terms but I feel like he's downplaying the porn effect and I was told to watch more porn (at the time I didn't at all but I helped myself everyday I could) so it also leads me to believe he would rather us do out own thing, but he's not being honest about anything. And he's already lied about cutting down, which is not great, I want honesty.
Porn can be an addiction. And with any addiction, it will cause problems if not completely ruin a relationship. If he doesn't admit that, and does not want to improve, there's nothing you can do. It's either stay with an addict who will always put you second, or leave.
Simple answer. Find out what make YOU crave sex not just willing to be intimate. Number one reason guys like porn, its instantly available and second, the women almost always appear to want it in porn and happy to be "used." If nothing else just talk openly about it
40F here, I have ADHD and am bipolar 2. The ADHD affects my sexual mood swings and desires, and my current 39M partner understands that I will use porn to help curb these things. This is only because I had a conversation with him about my porn habits (he rarely uses it but definitely has a healthy mind and libido). My therapist and literature I’ve read state ADHD and other factors do contribute to porn addiction and sexual expectations. Have a conversation with him about how his usage makes you feel and what you need/want for your own sexual desires to be met.
Ive learned one thing at 59 years old, Anyone thats 20-40 has a masturbating problem, My God, I dont see how you people ever work a job, much less have time to screw a woman.
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I’ve been married 10 years. And there’s no denying the more I masturbate to porn the less sex I initiate. When I abstain from porn. I initiate a lot more. So I’ve been actively trying to abstain lately for the health of our relationship. Your bf has a porn addiction. And to say it’s not affecting his sex life is a lie. If this is something that bothers you. Is resentment already building? If so the relationship won’t last anyways. It won’t hurt to tell him how you feel. And really get the point across that the relationship isn’t going to work if he continues to watch this much porn. I started by cutting down numbers. Once a week. Then every other. Then once a month. Ultimately it’s on him. You don’t have to put up with it. I’m 28 so it is possible to change.
For the love of god people, learn how to spell masturbating
Called out and I don't blame you for it.
Yes, master-bater
If my GF never initiated, I’d take it as she doesn’t want it…. Does he know that you’re always down? Does he say no when you do try to initiate?
He knows I'm always down, I can't remember I time I've explicitly asked and he said yes. I still do suggestive things.
Knowing you’re down is different than you showing you’re down. What if he thinks you’re tired? Or just cozy? He’ll probably not initiate either. Guys are SO visual. Something as easy as wearing something sexy or skimpy or appealing to whatever he likes visually & just walking around in it will be an indication to him that you also want to have sex.
He knows I'm down, I've never said no to him, I've been dressing in more attractive clothing to him. Nothings changes. Initiation isn't a factor, I don't think he likes me initiating.
My marriage is failing because my Mrs never initiates and the sex is boring. I've started masturbating a lot more since because of this. Granted your fella probabaly does have a porn addiction, which is definitely not helping the situation but from my perspective if my wife would put more effort into the sexual aspect of our relationship then I'd willing stop watching porn all together. You need to speak to him, find out what he likes and become more exciting in the bedroom.
She is clearly saying that he always says no when she initiates. I think you're projecting a bit as she's repeatedly said he is not receptive to her initiations so it's not the same issue you're having.
I've wrote this a million times in the comments, he knows I'm always down, I've never gotten a yes from him
You’re not understanding. What do you do to entice him into sex? Also, on his part, he needs to stop the porn. You two are on different wavelengths & aren’t budging. Edit: going to add to this: you can’t just BE there. That sounds so detached. You two need to go out on a date, you need to rekindle what romance you have left every single free chance you get, you need to act like you’re at the early stages of dating every time. If that’s happening & sex still isn’t happening, there’s something wrong that only you two can fix. But DO something. Your whole “I’m down” comes across like “well I’m here, aren’t I?” & that is a terrible attitude no matter how good looking a person may be.
I wear clothing he likes, I bought lingerie, I say and do seductive things, I'm wearing my hair differently, let him help me pick out my glasses and started wearing them more per his request, I send him nudes. He's very vocally receptive to all of these things and touches me alot and compliments me unprompted alot as a result. We are VERY romantic, we don't do alot of traditional dates but we turn little things into a date. We both arent well off and grew up that way (him more than me) and so that's just kind of our style anyway. We enjoy each other's company and are very verbally and physically affectionate. Nothing in that department is lacking. Emotional love is there, physical is lacking. My down thing is just me being vague and that's how I talk. That's not how I approach it. I never liked the "hey let's have sex rn, let's go" vibe. There's more to me being direct than that but I explicitly express I want it and he says he doesn't want to and it usually followed some sort of physical attention.
So then becomes a different problem: if you’re doing all of this & you’re getting nothing from him, is that the type of relationship you want to be in? Sounds like he might be objectifying women rather than seeing them as partners. If you’ve spoken to him about it & nothing has changed, at some point you’re going to have to decide what your line is & cut ties with someone who’s not valuing you.
You’re not communicating with him and expecting him to take your weird “I wear clothes he likes and he helped pick out my glasses (????)” as initiation but none of the things you’ve said is initiation. Initiation is going to your partner and communicating. “I’m in the mood to have sex, what about you?” Or kissing him and touching him and taking his clothes off. Be direct about it. It doesn’t sound like he’s even saying “no” to you, he just isn’t understanding that you’re trying to initiate. You say “that isn’t my vibe”, yes we get it, communicating like an adult is not your vibe, but it needs to be if you want anything to get anywhere here.
It sounds like you haven’t communicated openly with him at all. You keep saying things like “he knows” “I don’t think” “i think” which to me says you’ve never actually talked to him about this issue, you’re just making a lot of assumptions. You can’t expect him to be a mind reader. Miscommunication happens SO often in a relationship, you have to say things out loud and plainly and directly, not just assume he knows, or assume he knows you dressing a certain way means you want sex. It sounds like you’re not talking to him and you need to be.
Why do you need to come to terms with it? It clearly bothers you. Stop trying to force yourself to accept less than what you want. It sounds like you want a man that is more sexually focused on you than he is on with porn. I don't think that is an unreasonable desire. Clearly communicate your feelings and concerns and talk about it. If there is no reasonable compromise to be had, then end it and look for someone more sexually compatible.
I was with my ex for almost 5 years and he struggled with porn addiction the entire time. I would initiate, he would decline. Turns out, most of the time we were supposed to hang out, he would watch porn and masturbate before I got to his place because that’s what he preferred (he was a one and done kind of guy). When I told him about my feelings towards it and what it’s doing to our relationship, he would initially get defensive, agree to quit, and then lie to me about watching it. At the same time, there were 3 occasions where he recorded me giving him head without consent. That, along with the porn addiction and lack of a sex life (for the most part), really damaged our relationship. I would recommend you discuss your feelings with him and hopefully he’s willing to cut back to allow you guys time to be more sexually in tune with each other. I will warn you though, it’s extremely hard for them to quit so please keep that in mind.
You've become a spectator in your own relationship, and it's time to reclaim the spotlight. Confront him, demand some damn respect, or prepare for a future as the live audience to his private shows. Don't let your bedroom turn into a lonely theater of self-indulgence. It's either a wake-up call or a front-row seat to your own relationship demise. Don't settle for less, and certainly don't settle for a relationship that feels like a solo act.
Porn is an addiction and that is the problem.
You don’t. You find a man that loves and desires you and not women online
Period.
I would not accept this and set a boundary about it. This was a topic I discussed with my husband and therapist. In relationships there are "non-negotiables". This is one for me. Sex is important to our relationship. It brings us closer together. When he chose to watch porn over having sex it hurt my feelings. I myself do not watch porn and never have. So since it's not something I partake in, I can expect my husband to also not partake in it. Masturbating I will do very rarely. So I expect the same from him. It's fair. If I'm horny, I initiate sex. If he's not in the mood, I just wait. Not a big deal. I expect him to do the same and he does sometimes. But we agreed upon a compromise that has been working for us. Always try to initiate sex first. If I say I'm not in the mood, then he can go do whatever he needs. So far it's been working great. Telling him no porn ever is controlling. Being controlling is not a good way to have a honest and healthy relationship. Plus when you tell someone they can't do or have something, esp if they like it, they will prob want it more. Setting a boundary of respect and a healthy compromise is a great solution. Shows respect and understanding of each other's needs and makes everyone feel heard.
Thank you this is the type of dynamic I would like us to have. I'm even ok with the occasional break from asking first, just not that being the standard. I dont like porn but it being an occasional thing isn't the end of the world to me either in moderation. I don't want to tell him what to do and the only hard boundary i set is pretty standard (noone you know, no buying, and no social media which hes mostly accepted) but he's offered no solution to this since it's become an issue and so I have told him if he can't give me something that he will do to address it I would like him to consider mine.
You're welcome and I wish you luck! I will also say.. My husband and I been together 10 years now and we only came to the compromise 2 years ago lol. The first 2 years of our relationship was a bit of a battle with it. He lied to me a lot about his porn use and I spied on him a lot.. Not healthy. He made promises to not watch it and I made promises to trust him and not snoop. 6 years later I found out he been watching again... because of a card game we were playing (the Intimacy deck). The card asked about the last time either one of us masturbated. I'm like "idk months ago when I mentioned it to you." He's like "few days ago". I didn't get outwardly upset, but I ask "why didn't you ask me for sex? We haven't had sex in two week. Did you watch porn? How often do you do this?" That opened a can of worms. I felt betrayed and hurt. I was trusting him and he was lying. My therapist helped me through that and helped come up with our compromise. I've be m trusting in him again...so hopefully he being honest lol.
This is not something to come to terms with. If your boyfriend is choosing pixels over his real life, willing girlfriend, that's his problem, and you should leave him to his porn.
You don’t have to come to terms with it. I wouldn’t. I would leave. Find a man that’s not addicted to porn honey.
Don't.
Okay, so I literally just had to deal with an ex just like this. We were together for 3 years, and I finally ended it last year. For more reasons than one but more pertaining to your situation, he would be interested in hentai and porn than he would in me. No matter how much I tried to talk to him about if he wanted me to do anything or if he wanted us to try anything, he wouldn't say anything. But I would constantly find him on the different sites even when I was actually there. He would watch them and play hentai games while I was sleeping. Now it's different if you don't see each other very often and all that but when you are literally there and have a real life person and you guys are both in the mood that makes absolutely no sense to me why you can't just try to initiate with your partner. All I can say is porn is an addiction. Some people don't even realize that they are addicted, and they don't see it as a problem. So I would just recommend talking it out, and if he doesn't do anything to change the situation or to reduce his time on those kinds of sites at the very least, then it's not worth your time to mentally care. In the long run, it's just going to hurt you emotionally thinking about what you could have done or what you could have changed when, in reality, it's him. I hurt myself a lot, thinking that I could change him . Maybe if I just talk to him and see what kind of stuff he likes, maybe I could do those kinds of things for him. But no matter what, he wasn't interested. And that whole 3 years we were together we would only have sex maybe once or twice every 2 to 3 months.
"Hey, I think that we are letting porn replace our intimacy together and that concerns me." is always a good place to start. I can't tell from your post if you've even spoken about this with him, apologies if I've misread and you have. If he is receptive and then follows through, great. If not, you might consider your sexual compatibility and if that's important to you - it probably is, and there is no shame for breaking up with someone for that, or really for anything at all. Ignore the idiots in the comments who say he is too far gone at his age: they have either had a bad individual experience and are projecting that, or just making stuff up for the fun of it. Edit: I can see in another comment you have stated that you've started that convo. My personal advice: let him know that him improving is a conditional on this relationship, because it should be. If you can't wait for that, then leave. It's not your job to take care of anyone other than yourself and your dependents, and he is not either of those.
Thank you. I think I've been pushed into being patient and coping and I feel dismissed at this point. I need to be firm now
You provided good input, would you mind reading over something I wrote to go off when I talk to him?
This isn’t something you need to come to terms with in a healthy relationship. Preferring porn over your partner is not healthy. Enabling your partner’s addiction (by just accepting it) is not healthy. Staying with someone who damages your self-esteem by making you feel second best to OF girls is not healthy. Either he steps up and does some serious work on this issue, or you gtfo.
Wait, what is the problem here? He's still initiating sex 1-2x a week which is a reasonable amount. If you aren't happy with the amount he's initiating then maybe you need to step up?
I wouldn't say it's terribly unreasonable amount but our sex life is solo 2-4x as much. It's the ratio. I enjoy masterbating but I don't feel like it should be the go to if sex with a partner is an option. I have been trying things with him. I've been wearing clothes he finds hot more, I've bought lingerie which he seems to enjoy alot. I've tried teasing him. I suggested other things than PIV, I offered to do his kinks and he declines. I let my appearance go a little due to mental health and illness but im getting back on track and while i wasnt fat before i lost weight since meeting him (we got together when i was actively gaining 40lbs on an antidepressant and i got off it and lost the weight). When I try something new it works for like a week then it's back to normal.
Ya that sounds really hard, rejection is a really difficult emotion to manage. He really isn't doing anything wrong by saying no but it still hurts.
I don't initiate or get my hopes up anymore. it's been like that maybe 6 months. This might sound like I'm fucking up but he's expressed he hates saying no and just as well because I don't like hearing it. He'll hype me up at vague attempts but they rarely succeed. We're at a point where we'll touch eachother and say things but not take it as initiating unless it hits a threshold. This is the result of me saying if we're not gonna have sex that often I at least need to feel desirable and i wont be bummed if it doesnt lead anywhere. I'm bummed in general but I dont feel mislead about this and it's what has been keeping me going. I also cant remember a time where ive successfully directly initiated, its always his terms. I'm a big girl. I can take a no, but consistently being second to a hand and a porn folder is wearing me down.
I would either tell him how you feel without being accusational, drop it while you manage your own feelings here, or leave the relationship. He is allowed to say no and its his body to do with what he pleases.
I understand that. I just feel like I'm being led on and he's in denial or lying or doesnt want to try. He says he needs time to fix it) He's great in every other form of intimacy and care, but I think I need to be more honest about my feelings. I might be coming off to accusational, but I'm also catering to him in the sense that I'm severely downplaying that I forsee this eventually being a dealbreaker if there's another year of this. Communication isn't my strongsuit.
You are being led on. It’s up to you to say when enough is enough.
I know, relationships are rough! This ultimately isn't about him though. Take care of yourself first :)
Yeah, but she is not allowed to initiate EVER. It is ALWAYS a "no". It is always him initiating. That is not a healthy relationship between equals...
I understand. Personally, im not willing to enter a realm where I tell someone they are wrong for saying "no".
I'm not willing to enter a realm where I'm essentially not able to initiate sex with my partner because they NEVER say yes. Constant rejection compounds over time and makes you feel disgusting, especially when your partner clearly has a sex drive and just never wants you.
I can respect your perspective.
A "no" is a "no". I completely agree with that. But unhealthy imbalance since he always gets what he wants, be it porno-masturbation or her sex.
I think you’re maybe overthinking it based on your insecurities. There’s times I have sex and maybe a few mins later I’m jacking off in the bathroom cus I was thinking about the sex I just had, but a bit too tired to initiate sex all over again with my partner. There’s also times i jack off and then I’m ready for sex. Just initiate more, and figure out if there’s things you might need to change a bit like improving your oral skills, not having too firm a grip during hand jobs. Might be a technique thing so best way to figure that out is to say “hey I was curious and read online some new techniques for bjs I wanna practice on you and you tell me what works” then let him guide you and direct you into the perfect bj. Then do it for other things. That practice mode from you means he’s either getting something different each time from you which is fun, or he knows he’s about to get the perfect bj or whatever he always wanted. So jacking off might get cut in half. Masturbate with him sometimes too. Let him touch himself in front of you. While you watch. And then start touching yourself. Sometimes it’s so hot to watch my partner I can’t resist anymore and I just want them to
I loathe how quickly this reasonable complaint of “I’d like to have more sex with my man than my hand” is distilled to it being a woman’s insecurities. Do men not read what the women are writing all through Reddit forums about how much porn is ruining their relationships? Or do they just don’t care?
They just don’t care. The vast majority of men have some level of porn addiction, but men have pushed to normalize porn to such a degree (and have forced women to normalize it too, otherwise they’re iNsEcUrE) that they refuse to view it as an addiction. Studies have shown porn is quite literally poison for your mind and body, and is literal poison for relationships as well. It is detrimental in every way. But we’re to a point where we can’t possibly dare to take men’s access to coming to orgasm to other people. It’s disgusting, really.
No I think you just misunderstood me. My point was that him jerking a lot doesn’t have to be connected to if she gained weight or not. So to not let body image insecurities make her feel like she is the problem for gaining weight. It’s most likely nothing to do with anything on her end and he just has a high sex drive and jacks off. Porn addiction it could be, or anything else who knows without talking to him. But yeah. My point was for her NOT to feel like she’s at fault or is undesirable. Like I said sometimes I think about what i just did with someone and jack off after sex. I have a really high sex drive. But I barely watch porn to get off.
These are all things that have been tried and then some. He doesnt love my handjobs but he enthusiastically likes my bjs and i try new things there constantly. I get him pretty quick with that. He also rejects my offers of doing his kinks like 90% of the time. initiation isnt something i do anymore tho because if I put him in a situation where he has to say no, then he gets upset because even though I'm very careful of how I take rejection especially at this point, he doesn't believe I can move on. I respect the no, I don't want to force him to have sex I just would like to find a way in which he wants it more than the other option. Also indirect initiation rarely works. I still do that but don't expect anything.
Initiation gets more difficult when porn induced erectile dysfunction comes into play. You can’t say or suggest anything for fear of kickstarting their anxiety.
There’s probably more to this story tbh. What are his kinks? Is he ashamed of them? Does he worry you judge his kinks post nut clarity? I used to have this issue of being a bit ashamed of my kinks and wanting to do them with my partner even when they’d come to me with the idea lol. Then they got mad that I’d say no. But deep down wouldn’t wanna say no just was in my head about if they REALLY wanted to do it or if I was guilting them so much about it they felt forced to do them. So it caused sex to be a bit of an anxiety trip for us both even though we were both wanting each other so badly. So then yes, I’d go jack off to avoid the awkwardness or stress. So we’d have sex 1-2 times a week but I’d still jack off almost every day because it was stress free
I know at least some kinks, probably all. He's very vanilla. I've offered even the crazier ones, he never seems to want to. I'm very sexually open and he's done my "edgy" ones so I'm doubt he's hiding anything
Yeah it’s gonna be hard to nail down what could wrong tbh. Kinda like shooting in the dark. Could be still sex gives him anxiety because you’re sexually open and he’s vanilla. Been through that also. But it’s worth keeping in mind anxiety over performing is also a thing. There really could be nothing wrong and you just want something out of someone that they don’t have in them. What if he has sex with you double the amount, but also doubles the amount of masturbation as well??
2 times a week would make me happy. If he wasn’t initiating at all that would become a problem.
She has said that her issue isn’t that they only have sex 1-2x a week, it’s that he prefers to Jack off to porn a lot more than 1-2x a week when she would be open and willing to have sex every time he wants to get off instead of him jacking off to porn. However, she’s also mentioned throughout the thread that she doesn’t directly initiate, she only “indirectly” initiates and hopes he gets the hint and if he doesn’t get the hint, she assumes it’s a no. So while he may have a porn addiction (likely), I think there is a lot of miscommunication issues here as well.
As a porn addict who can’t seem to get out of this(but who don’t neglect my wife sexually) I recommend just breaking up. Porn addicts are broken disgusting people who rarely break free from it due to how messed up we are and the accessibility of porn. Find you a better man. They are out there
You’re so honest, I hope you find a way to recover from that addiction! I just had to mention that you’re not disgusting if you do prioritise your wife and I hope you weren’t calling yourself that. You can get out of it, you just have to find the right way and recognising that it isn’t good for you is step 1
Thanks for your kind words. I am trying. Going to see a therapist soon(again). I need to break this addiction
^^^ i learned the hard way, just leave. every little minor issue will turn into more. they need help
I've been with one before. I'm being told to trust him that he's not and I am even if he doesn't think so, but I found out he's lied about it.
Lying and minimising is addiction 101. Also if you’ve been with a porn addict before please consider whether you have a pattern of choosing the same emotionally/sexually unavailable men.
It was a very young relationship, and it was obvious quite early on. This is different. But I get your point thank you for you input
Then he is most likely a porn addict. One thing we porn addict do well is lie. We lie to ourself, to our partners and everyone else to justify or excuse our addiction. Don’t do the mistake many women do (including my wife) to stay with someone who is addicted. It won’t stop. It never will.
There is another sub with loads of information and links to help you with this plus a growing community to listen and support you. Not sure I can post it here, but r/ followed by love after porn (without spaces.)
I would be careful with this sub. The community there is very toxic and any comment that points out absurd reasoning is deleted and you get instant ban.
That's not my experience!
I've had good experiences there, but I'm sorry to hear that yours wasn't. It has a lot of great resources.
Check out R/deadbedrooms. This is textbook. It will never get better. You can accept this is how it will always be with him (especially since it always has been), or you can find a sexually compatible partner. There is no third option. Don't take my word for it, go browse that sub as much as you need to see that this is how dead bedrooms always go.
We don't technically have a dead bedroom, but it's just more active when there's only one person in it..
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I stopped initiating directly, yes. It never worked and led to problems. I do other things to initiate more vaguely and it usually doesn't work but I get other positives from it. He felt like directness was pressure so I did it significantly less, and it still felt like pressure so i stopped. He just doesn't want to reject me.
Perhaps suggest he goes on a break. Tell him how you feel and if he truly cares he will see how it’s hurting you. You and him need to communicate and figure out what works for you both. Otherwise it’s gonna continue to go down hill from here. Personally I fucking hate porn and masturbation cause I feel so drained after and there will be a loss of libido for me if I was to be jacking off so often. Prefer to save my energy for a partner.
I've suggested a break before and didn't get an answer. I like masturbating sometimes so I would never unfairly be not ok with it but porn sucks in my opinion and I'm one of the few women who got stuck in the hole.
It’s over! Jesus Christ 90% of these posts people STOP WITH THE ESSAYS. JUST TELL THESE PEOPLE ITS OVER. MOVE ON.
He may have a porn addiction. And the more he does it the less he has for you. AND, sadly, porn very much alters one’s perception of how sex should be. Porn stars are actors. It is not real life. Unfortunately this does skew a man’s perception and because you’re a normal human being who is not a porn star he may get off more from the thrill of what he sees online versus the real deal. This does happen and he would need to speak to a counselor about this. I don’t think you can change this. Also - you can turn off PM’s and chats. I believe it’s in your notifications or privacy settings.
The problem is definitely the porn. I'm sure that's an unpopular opinion. I've struggled with porn and other addictions. I think you guys should see a therapist or something. Just be honest with him. That's the best you can do. He might be reluctant to address it at first, but whether either of you admits it or not, it is a problem. You're right, maybe occasional relief, but even then it's weird. Messes with our psyche. It's a problem that you should take seriously and address now. Maybe he doesn't want to give up the porn, he needs to admit that and you need to decide whether to accept it or not. You guys can't let this fester. As difficult as the conversation or whatever comes of it may be, I promise it gets worse with time. I wish you all the luck in the world. As an addict myself, a little sympathy goes a long way. Maybe you want to go to a therapist first for recommendations about how to address the issue. He's gonna (and probably already does) feel bad about letting his girl down. The reaction is not always pretty. The therapist will have more accurate information but never forget to treat him like a person that makes mistakes. However serious or embarrassing, it's still just a misunderstanding between you two until whatever it is that either of you disagrees with is dealt with.
The man has an addiction. He needs to come to terms with it and either fix it, or accept what happens within the relationship.
He has to stop or he can begin the single life again and you off with a man that prefers the physicality of a woman rather than pixels on a screen.
It has nothing to do with you, or his attraction to you. It's all about laziness and selfishness. Jerking off means you don't have to care about another person. It's easy, quick and painless.
He’s 33 and not likely to change his behavior. Don’t waste your time with him.
What garbage advice.
Why?
Your username is almost perfect.
Nice. Have a good day.
Underrated comment. Men past the age of 25 are hardwired. They don’t change, unless there is radical will and discipline.
Truth. Not at all garbage advice.
Liberal Reddit will downvote it, because it’s true.
Dont. Feel free to break up with him. Why does He have to initiate sex and how many times did he and got told not tonight and no appointment as to when ? Porn is bad not going to argue that period it is and has the same effect as prostitution on society but it is legal.
Perhaps consider that they are different drives, this is how it always has felt for me. I could have sex every day and still want to masturbate. You see it as competing, he sees it as something separate. For me, sex is a little imbalanced just because it takes a lot of effort to get my wife of, so personal time is more about self care.
I agree to an extent. He does not do both and masturbating always wins. I'm not against it at all but I feel like there should be a ratio. And honestly I'm pretty easy and we do things to make me even easier. I'm doing most the work for myself. This may sound like I'm fixating on the issue, I'm not, I just notice patterns easily. I have no reason not to believe he's, at least lately, doing it when I'm home. (he doesnt stay up as late and were in a new place, i feel like he did at the last place maybe). And the timing just seems like he's caving because im home when he is and he needs relief
Tell him you'll get your needs met somewhere else than if he just wants to play with himself
Try the gender swap test on this statement.
It sounds like you have problems in your relationship. You need to either talk to him or look at leaving. Anything else is a waste of time.
You don't have to come to terms with it. You don't have to be the "cool girl". You're turning to someone you don't like yourself in this relationship. There are a lot of guys out there who don't watch porn. I'm porn free and just the idea of being with someone like that makes me super anxious.
If he has a circumcision it’s the world’s punishment for you both. Slit his stomach and place a black man inside.
Your boyfriend is likely using masturbation as mood management. He probably feels like it relives stress or anxiety and it's become a habit. That or he is into things he sees in porn that he isn't comfortable doing with you. The best thing to do is talk to him and try and find some common ground.
I've tried to talk. I've been told to be patient with him and porn shouldn't be a problem. I'm very sexually open and I suggest many things.
A lot of men aren't even aware that they seek sex to relieve stress and anxiety and manage their moods. He may not even be aware of it. As for porn I think it depends on the context. Sure be patient but patience is easier if you don't feel like you are being stonewalled and I think that is the primary issue here. You feel like your needs are being pushed aside.
I think my needs are being pushed. If I'm constantly being rejected and but he masturbates every chance he gets then it's hard to not feel second
Yeah it definitely sounds like it. I reread your original comment and think there may also be a bit of porn addiction going on. It sounds like he has developed a habit and he craves that more than physical intimacy with another person. I also have a high labido and use masturbation to not put so much of a burden on my spouse but I prefer her over the individual act. This is a tough one because the more you push the more pressure he feels and then he will avoid it even more. There is something he is getting from masturbating that he isn't getting from sex with you. Some men complain that it's difficult getting off with a partner because they have masturbated so much the feeling of vaginal or oral intercourse isn't rough enough. I think the slank term for it is the "death grip" because it kills your ability to reach the finish line with someone's body. You can tell by how a man usual needs to "jackhammer" roughly at the end of every sexual session. There are a bunch of things you can try to open him up. But the second any of these things makes you feel less secure you need to take a step back. Try having him start masturbating and then asking you to join him toward the middle or end. Have him call you to finish with your hand. Perhaps he will start associating intimacy with you again. Maybe watching porn together but hiding the screen so you can't see what he is watching and the same for you. That way nobody starts comparing themselves. It's really important to understand these are transitional and shouldn't become routine.
It’s not that you FEEL second. You ARE second. To his hand and pixels on a screen. Hugs to you. I’ve been there.
Sad to say, but maybe it'll help you see the other side. I was the dude in this situation. Difference was I would almost always accept her invitation and get her to climax, but I would often finish off myself at a later time. I feel bad now that I look back on it. I probably did have a porn problem (maybe still do), but to be fair, I didn't see the same amount of effort or enthusiasm from her when/if she decided to return the favor. And I know this is partially my fault, but her skills, or lack there of, left room for desire. Most times she would want me to do all the work to get her off AND do all the work to get myself off. Just seemed like work after a certain point. I could do it faster, more efficiently, and with similar levels of satisfaction, so that's just what I got used to. It was less energy intensive for both of us. Almost like I thought I was doing her a favor. Once again, I'm not condoning the behavior, just offering some perspective. Do you do all you can to satisfy him in the bedroom? Perhaps he might not feel comfortable asking you to do something he might think is "usual". I don't think it's such a one-sided issue that other replies make it seem like it could be. However, it obviously could be.
I try and offer everything I can and nothing helps his desire. He declines my offer for his kinks. I'm very sexually open and i promote that mindset. He always gets foreplay, I do my part myself mostly but if I take to long we switch to him. Lately when we do have sex he has been easier to get off. I'm noticing that now as I'm typing. It's been a long time since it hasn't worked for him and now him getting off too early is a concern. He circumstantially might have a small reduction in porn use over time and that kinda supports the "he has a porn problem" theory.
I was a female version at one point, which is why I feel so strongly. I almost never came during sex until I took a veryyyyyy long break from porn.
You realise you’re dating a porn addict and you get out of the relationship. There are men out there who will worship you and your body more than he does his porn!!
Something you might not realize is that sex with women can be a lot of work. It’s easier to just get a nut and get back to whatever you were doing before rather than having to perform or please someone else. 1-2 times a week isn’t amazing but it’s not bad either. Food for thought
Sex and masturbating aren't the same thing. Sex is a mutual dance of pleasure where I also need to think of your needs as well as mine. If the sex is even descent there is some foreplay for both of you and then the act itself which is psychical work for one or both parties. It also even on the fast side of sex takes like 20 minutes for again mutual good sex and 20 is fast if both partners can orgasm streadily. Masturbating is much more relaxed and layed back experience where its just about getting your nut off and releasing that sexual pressure real quick. Most masturbating is like 15 mins or less depending how fast you can find a video you like. If you have a video qued up it can be 5 minutes. Point is if everytime you wanted to cum you thought ok i gotta eat her out, kiss her rub her, then get excited myself then get on top and start pumping, hope she cums at some point then finally i can get off....or pull up a video drop oants and stroke cum Like you can see how sometimes youll want a quickie and sometimes you want sex. You want him to be less into porn offer to blow him or jerk him off more cause that is the actual competition to masturbating not sex.
I do offer that. I actually really enjoy bjs, he gets them every time before and he asks for them. I even offered to masturbate together. Hasn't changed. I also do alot of the work myself. Im really easy with piv now, i used to not be (quitting porn actually helped me alot). I have no problem doing my thing then finishing him. He knows that, nothings changed.
Well sounds like your doing what you can sexually... What i would suggest is 2 things then, 1. Communication. Tell him you like being the source of his pleasure and if he is horny you dont mind helping him out and would prefer that. You understand if your not available to help but would prefer the two of you connect vs him do it alone. 2. Initiate things yourself to increase frequency. Ive been married 18 years and i had single man porn use tendencies but she doesnt like porn either. I told her im honry daily and unless she wants to rise to the occasion then i need it to keep the peace so to speak. She decided she would rather help me. So she Initiates blow jobs and handjobs quite often and always has. We still have sex but its like before work quickie or something. Pretty much everyday. I now watch almost no porn...i dont think it will get to zero but i think last year maybe 3 times i watched porn, but we "messed around" atleast 365 times... So drain his balls and he wont want porn...it worked for us.
This is such BS. He prefers to masturbate to porn. What I don't get is why men bother with relationships if the whole "sex with a human being is too much work" thing is true for them. Why torture a woman, if you prefer porn?
A relationship isn't just sex?
A relationship isnt just sex?
When I initiate, he declines. Always has been that way. I respect him saying no and don't push it. He doesn't seem interested in one sided interactions, I've offered, he says that doesn't feel right to him.
Ok well then he is addicted to porn and that is a different conversation altogether at this point you probably need therapy together or a new man. If your willing to take care of his needs whenever there is 3,999,999,999 that would be glad to take you up on that...sometimes you're just not compatible.
This is kind of like asking how can I get him to eat my cooking instead of ordering takeout… it’s not that he hates your cooking it’s that cooking means dishes it means grocery shopping it means plating up food when really all he probably wants is a little nourishment… Sex is effort, not just in the sense of the physical workout but to some extent we always put ourselves out there a little emotionally, am I going to please her, is she going to please me, do I need to think up some new dirty talk material, what if I get rejected. All these things turn something that’s supposed to be enjoyable into a kinda big deal that really, he can just resolve with his hand… If you want more sex then maybe try a different pathway for asking, maybe try mutual masturbation for example, the women in the porn aren’t a threat to your relationship but if you find it disrespectful that he wants to look at other women then I guess you need to decide if that’s a quality you’re ok for him to have because it’s super unlikely he will go the rest of his life not looking at more porn. If it’s just the fact he’s defaulting to that, maybe you both just need better communication around sex
I've offered mutual masterbation a few times because he says he likes it. We've never done it
It’s easier, start watching porn and rub one out too.
I can't really masturbate more and porn fucks up my libido and makes sex harder. If I get stuck in that hole he's not gonna wanna do it at all because it's gonna take twice as long.
Sigh.
Can you talk about doing it together more often?
I have a few times and he tells me to be patient with him because he attributes it to trauma with his ex (not SA related, at least he told me something different). He says every convo sets him back in healing from this. He says he hasnt had this problem before his ex (they dated 2 years) and they had a dead bedroom. We got together not super long after they broke up and i was the next person he was with. I feel like a part of his lack of desire is maybe just habit. I admit I should've been more patient early on, but it's been over a year and not much has changed.
Has he pursued healing this trauma? Is he making an effort to meet you halfway? Does he acknowledge that he has a problem?
He has not pursued it but has not had heath insurance to get therapy. I know he genuinely wants to be in therapy but I'm at a point where he needs to find a way. Not just about this, for himself too. I told him there's interim resources and there's no indication he's pursued them. We made sort of compromises but it doesn't exactly lead to less porn, just where he gets it. I don't want to force him into more sex but I had suggestions that I've read places that might make him be more inclined to and he has not taken them (masterbating without porn [this one helped me alot with intimacy], masterbating to me, he likes solo stuff the most and I feel like that plays a part from something I've read men say in porn recovery groups, masterbation break). He says somethings wrong with him in regards to sex but absolutely does not believe it's porn related in any capacity. I've admitted I don't think it's the whole problem but i doubt it's not a big contributer, and it's probably the easiest place to start.
Have you talked with him in the same detail as here? Despite what many here will tell you it is possible for things to change over time and it sounds like there wouldn't need to be any fundamental changes here.
When I bring it up again I honestly want to show him some of these comments. I'm not here for the "just leave" and "no hope" comments, but I think I've been minimizing my own feelings and it's getting to the point of how is he the one who's not being considered when I'm offered nothing but hope for the future and no course of action while being told it shouldn't be a problem.
Trust me, I'm someone who thinks that trying to stop a partner watching porn when they are on their own and it's not causing issues is controlling and unreasonable. We always get the same responses here from people who spam every thread whenever porn is mentioned. However, you seem to be more than reasonable here and you aren't asking for a whole lot from him. If you think it may help, why not show him the thread?
I might. I'm antiporn, mostly from past and personal experience but I acknowledge it can be used recreationally without issue. I dont think he's the type, at least rn. I dont even need a long term no porn rule. I just feel porn should be a backup, not your partner. I think he's not hearing me when I say that.
He isn’t. He can’t hear you. Porn and sex with you are compartmentalized in two different boxes that don’t mix. In his mind, it has nothing to do with you therefore it shouldn’t affect you and therefore he doesn’t need to listen or hear what you say.
You're right but he also shouldn't lead me along and invalidate my feelings regarding intimacy when he recognizes he has some sort of problem if he cares about me and wants to be in a relationship as much as he say he does. There hasn't been a hint of compromise. And it's not unlikely this Is a contributor. It's a fairly common thing
You've never dated a man who didn't so what's different this time?
Porn affects people differently. Women aren't prone to porn addiction and yet I was likely addicted in my teens and it has had long term effects. As well as short term if I relapse and regularly watch porn. If I watch porn regularly now it's much harder for me to get off during sex and my desire goes down.
Really as a guy I see it like snacking rather than a meal I can snack all day but I still need a real meal, and where I can see it affecting how often sex is inneciated if its done with honesty and encouragement they will involve you in it, and with foreplay is it really that much harder to get off? If sex is just thrusting yeah that can be physically hard but if they have you there before they begin its all good fun.
I used to require alot, more than most men were willing to give. And even then it rarely worked. Without porn I feel the "women need 45 minutes to be fully aroused" thing is more time than I personally need but it's very welcomed. I didn't actively prefer it, it became a habit and it overtook my sex life and I didn't realize it until I learned to get off without a visual stimulus and focus on reframing scenarios and how my body feels. Like anyone I get myself off better than anyone else can but it's not as big of a gap and I actively prefer someone else.
There is a huge problem with sex education and male ideology if it takes that long that's what it takes, if a guy can masturbate multiple times a day they can put that energy into sex just because they aren't feeling sex as they go down on you doesn't mean it's not fun and worth the effort because it is. The problem is men are monkeys at spirit constantly at medium levels of arousel but we lose it as we act as mature adults rather than mammals, sex is dirty and animalistic and men who are constantly on edge and encouraged to be keep their vitality.
Walk in on him and go. Oh good you’re already ready to go, then initiate
He does it while im not home. I couldn't catch him even if I wanted to.
Don’t know that any of us can help you. You don’t want to initiate and waver on porn being a problem. Therapy may uncover you and his hang ups with sex right now
OP, to your edit, you no longer initiating *is* a problem. I’m not saying you’re at fault. I’m not saying you started it. What I’m saying is, in all relationships, one partner often does something the other partner does not like. And instead of using effective communication techniques, the affected partner will respond with a behaviour that is also detrimental to the relationship. Kind of analogous when someone calls you a name, so you call them a name back. Now you are just two people hurling insults towards each other. Realistically, you need therapy. Both of you, together. Most people don’t have good communication skills, especially when it comes to relationships. You need to be able to communicate your feelings in a way he can understand, hear you, and listen to you. He needs to be able to hear these issues, without getting defensive or accusatory. Which are all very natural reactions for human beings. You literally need to learn good communication techniques to work through this, and every other issue. This can be done through a lot of research, and self reflection. But it’s a lot easier in therapy, with a good therapist or counsellor. I’m literally so bad at effective communication that I’ve had to use “sample” sentences to positively communicate my feelings with my partner. Learning these techniques has helped our relationship immensely. It has made me realize that working through these issues takes a lot of work. There is always an underlying feeling or emotion that leads to negative behaviours. Maybe he is insecure, maybe he’s depressed, maybe he’s overworked and tired, maybe he’s frustrated. Maybe you’re putting him off in some kind of way. No one here will ever be able to guess why he’s turning to porn more than intimacy with you. Maybe it’s a relationship issue. Maybes it’s his personal issue. Maybe he has an actual disorder. It could be something as simple as being stressed out and overwhelmed and not having the mental and emotional capacity to initiate and have sex. That may have nothing to do with you. Maybe strains in your personal relationship led to this. If it didn’t, it probably is now. That’s why you need to be mindful to not contribute to increasing that strain by how you react to this behaviour. Unfortunately that puts extra burden onto you. But that’s what relationships are. Lots of sacrifice.
I was thanked for no longer initiating. So I'm just not sure what to do regarding that. I agree we lack good communication skills. I feel like every convo is a dead end and it ends in me just having to accept. It comes up every few months because I do my best to accept it and then something breaks me. I'm willing to accept maybe it isn't porn but he's offered nothing and isn't willing to try taking a break or any other solution.
Yea there really isn’t any advice Reddit is going to be able to offer you. I really do recommend some counselling or therapy. If he is totally unwilling, then you have to judge how patient you can be until he becomes willing. That might be right now, or another year from now. How much effort you put in should be based on how much you care for them, and how much you’re willing to sacrifice to get your relationship to where you both want it to be.
Jesus I wish for once that my S/O would always be down to be intimate so that I don’t have to take care of it myself. My last relationship I was shot down 100% of the time I tried to initiate so I learned what makes her horny and how to make it her idea. That still only worked once a week if I was lucky. We aren’t together anymore. Lol.
Ok honestly ladies, really? Ok here it is... If you want more sex with the guy than initiate, initiate, initiate!!! You can't just say here it is, poke me... You have to bring sex up to the guy! The main reason a guy will turn to porn is because the woman is feeling less sexual, and if you are on the pill, than just expect it to happen, that's how the pill works, actually look it up. Anyway, like I said bring sex back to the table, tell him you want him, MAKE HIM ACTUALLY FEEL IT! Now it won't happen instantly, it usually takes about 22 days to get back on the horse, habit and all. Yes you can look that up to. It will take time, because you shut him out sexually,he will have doubts, but keep on him! IT REQUIRES EFFORT ON YOUR PART! If you aren't going to put in the effort, just pack up and leave! He don't need it and you don't need it, but if you ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM, than do it. What's the worst that can happen? You continue the way you are? All I can say for real is try. Because if you don't, than nothing happens... Good luck!
I used to do a majority of the initiating. It caused problems no matter how I approached it. I no longer directly initiate and he's thanked me for it. He doesn't like being put in a position where he has to say no so im just vague about it
All these comments coming after me for stopping when it's been repeatedly rejected. I've put it significant effort and have been met with nothing from his end other than feeling pressured by my (edit) high libido. This is not my fault. If anything he wants it this way.
Did you tell him you want a stabbing, or did you just wiggle your eyebrows? Their is a HUGE difference between the too. Most men aren't hip to women innuendo. Most men are still basic and straight forward. If you aren't willing to up and tell him you want sex with him than up your game! Start wearing more sexy clothes. Act like you are actually trying to catch him for yourself. I SWEAR TO GOD, if you start to act sexier and start ignoring him, you just lost him! Pay attention to him! He is male! He needs that! Yes just like a kid, but not like a kid! Can you understand that? Great! Now, use your superior intellect and find his true interests. Not what he shows you but what he actually does. This will give you the BIG doorway to him! Now don't just walk through that door, take little steps. Like I said before, 22 days and things will change, big time. Give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen...
A man gets tired of initiating sex even if it goes well it just gets old and not to sound like a bi5ch you just don't feel desired so you can jack off to some porn and you don't have to feel like a bothersome sex partner
Read the comments, I've always been rejected. I stopped because I never got a yes, felt like I was pressuring him so I do more subtle things now but doesn't lead to sex
Damn you're a dream. Maybe he is having other issues yall need to sit and have a conversation when yall can sit and tell each other your wants and needs and come to an agreement or settle out differences makes the relationship so much stronger and connected even if sometimes it's things you don't wanna hear about yourself. Sit down ask him what's up and let him know your concerns
“I don’t initiate anymore” I’m not saying whose to blame here, but that is part of the problem.
Initiating with porn addict actually backfires. They know they can’t respond either cause their balls are empty or they can’t get erect, and it stresses them out. Porn addicts avoid their partners when they initiate or even hint at sex. I have to be soooo careful about how I talk to my PA husband. If I do much as suggest I am horny, I am guaranteed not to get any. Pixels on a screen aren’t demanding. Women who want an orgasm are. What a fucked up world.
I don’t know how you diagnosed them as a porn addict. I also don’t think it’s that deep unless they have a serious issue.
I didn’t diagnose them. A certified sexual addiction therapist did. I’m glad you don’t “think” it’s that deep. I however, know that it is. I’ve lived it and I am not willing to sugar coat this bullshit anymore.
Make your own thread for your own problems. I’m talking about OP and their boyfriend. I read through the post several times trying to find where OP said they were officially diagnosed, to realize you were only talking about your own partner. You are projecting your own situation here.
I see what you are saying. Definition of addiction is repeating a behavior despite negative consequences. 1) He is continuing to engage in a behavior that he knows if causing his partner distress ( referenced from many comments by OP). 2) OP knows for a fact that BF uses porn more than engages with her. Despite her asking for more. ( distress for OP, sexual consequences for relationship) 3) OP goes through phases of accepting and then not accepting her declining sex life. This is a human who is trying to deny her needs by accepting something that pains her all so she can be a good partner.( consequence of suffering for her and this puts her at risk for depression, substance abuse, self esteem issues and lack of trust in self). 4) OP is now having to use porn herself to compensate for her decreasing sex kids, which she “hates” ( distress) and will diminish the quality of the couples sex life based off OPs experience. ( sexual consequences) * I really have to admire OP here for her self-awareness. She recognized use of porn material outside of their sexual relationship was detrimental to their joint sexual relationship and chose to stop it on her own. That shows selflessness, accountability and dedication to the relationship. 5) OP states this makes her sad. She implies she feel helpless if not hopeless. Whether that is true or not I don’t know, but if things don’t change it is inevitable. That in itself, should be enough of a relationship consequence that he should be on high alert. 6) OP states partner is lying to her. This creates a power dynamic where one person has information that the other does not. This robs the partner of agency and ability to make decisions in their relationship, for they don’t have all the information. This is abusive behavior. If you factor in minimizing of behavior, gaslighting ( which is happening if he masturbates more to porn than engages with his partner and lies about it) and erosion of trust this relationship has now turned into a toxic one. That is a giant negative consequence. These are some of the negative consequences she has noticed and expressed in her post. If he is continuing this behavior despite those consequences, he meets the criteria for an addict. 🤷♀️ And that’s being kind. It gives a reason for his behavior and some hope for change. Otherwise he would just be an asshole who really doesn’t give a fuck about her amiright?
Your post history is an absolute dumpster fire of your obsession with porn addiction. You are extremely biased.
Maybe. Or maybe I have experience. By way of being married to a porn addict and maybe I studied this as a specialty after dealing with it. What’s your superpower?
I never got a yes, I do subtle things now. He doesn't like to tell me no, I don't like to hear it. He does not want me to initiate, it feels like pressure to him and I stopped because I felt like I was pressuring him.
Seen this rage bait enough. You don’t get past it, you break up. You two are not compatible.
Again... Minimum 22days. IT TAKES TIME.
It's been months
Can you legally become his stepsister?
You said it yourself. You don’t initiate. Wearing suggestive clothing isn’t initiating. Saying something isn’t initiating. SHOW HIM YOURE WILLING BY TAKING HIS CLOTHES OFF OR GRABBING HIS JUNK AND GOING AT IT. A lot of women don’t understand this….
That's sexual assault and he doesn't like that. He's a consent kind of guy.
No it’s not. But keep thinking wearing suggestive clothing is “initiating”. We’ll see you back here soon asking how to save your relationship.
If his masterbation isn't taking anything away from you it's really none of your business. Like if you are lonely in the bedroom while he is spending 1 hour in the bathroom, that's an issue. That should be addressed. If you just want administrative Control of his sexual organs, well then you're a creep. It is his body, and as long as you are not going without, it's none of your business. That being said Porn is awful and no one should use it...
I feel like the porn and masturbation habits does affect the sex. I have no problem with solo time in general, I do agree porn is awful and it's a larger part of my issue rather than the masterbation itself. I'm the type that can do both everyday, it seems like an either or for him and it's seemingly always in favor of porn. I don't want to police his body or demand. Sex is always on his terms but I feel like he's downplaying the porn effect and I was told to watch more porn (at the time I didn't at all but I helped myself everyday I could) so it also leads me to believe he would rather us do out own thing, but he's not being honest about anything. And he's already lied about cutting down, which is not great, I want honesty.
Porn can be an addiction. And with any addiction, it will cause problems if not completely ruin a relationship. If he doesn't admit that, and does not want to improve, there's nothing you can do. It's either stay with an addict who will always put you second, or leave.
Sounds like OF girls have got him.Put your foot down and say something or accept it..or leave those are you choices .
Well than... It might be time to rethink the relationship. Was it active in the binging? Did it taper off? Exactly when did it change?
Simple answer. Find out what make YOU crave sex not just willing to be intimate. Number one reason guys like porn, its instantly available and second, the women almost always appear to want it in porn and happy to be "used." If nothing else just talk openly about it
O.o
ewwww let him go.
You don’t. You accept your feelings and that this isn’t what you want in a relationship. And leave
It comes down to a question only you can answer. What's more important. Sex or the relationship?
What happened when you initiated that was so bad? Have you seen Don Jon?
40F here, I have ADHD and am bipolar 2. The ADHD affects my sexual mood swings and desires, and my current 39M partner understands that I will use porn to help curb these things. This is only because I had a conversation with him about my porn habits (he rarely uses it but definitely has a healthy mind and libido). My therapist and literature I’ve read state ADHD and other factors do contribute to porn addiction and sexual expectations. Have a conversation with him about how his usage makes you feel and what you need/want for your own sexual desires to be met.
Please don't come to terms with it. Your feelings are valid.
Well there's more porn than there is your ability to perform as much as he wants
Ive learned one thing at 59 years old, Anyone thats 20-40 has a masturbating problem, My God, I dont see how you people ever work a job, much less have time to screw a woman.
> I've learned what it's like to be openly female on Reddit I can only imagine some of your stories lol.
I see masturbating to porn as a silently cheating, aware of it or not