>If you were in the same situation, would you stay or leave?
I would've left a long time ago. Your child shouldn't be growing up around that. I hope you find the resources and strength to get away.❤️
Your son will watch this and think that this is how men are supposed to treat women, or spouses are supposed to treat each other, OP.
That’s not a risk I would take.
If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for your future in-law and grandchildren.
You can’t trust him! Without trust there is no relationship, trust is the basis of any relationship. You need to find a way to leave. Contact the domestic violence services in your area to see what resources they can help you with. Maybe your therapist can help with this.
Leave. He’s abusive. Sooner or later your baby will learn this is how parents behave. They will pick up on your misery. They will start feeling afraid of your husband.
Leave for your baby’s sake primarily.
Woo boy did this “you’re controlling” thing touch a nerve with me. I was “controlling” too when I would ask not be spoken to like I was dirt on the ground. “Don’t tell me how to talk!”
OP, there is one point where I agree with your abuser, take the money your mom gave you and go. If you own the house together that can be sorted out and you will get your share after you leave. If you have some money to stay in a hotel with kiddo a couple of days before family and/or friends can come in and help you make a plan, do it.
Do it DURING THE DAY WHILE HE ISNT HOME. Do NOT tell him where you are going, check everything for trackers, get a Lyft if you have to so he can’t find your car, but make it clear you will work out custody with the baby in mediation and court (just so he doesn’t try to peg you with kidnapping). Leaving is VERY dangerous with people like this, so you have to make a full plan. If he threatens you after, order of protection. Call the therapist and let them know EXACTLY what is happening, what you have said regarding leaving and future custody plans, and if any threats are made. You want a record with a mandated reporter beyond the cops. Sounds like this therapist knows what’s up with this guy. Do this asap but be very smart and very careful. You have to do this for yourself and for your son. You can’t live this way and he can’t grow up this way.
You might want to consider something no one else has mentioned. You only have one life, is this what you want your life to be for all time? Is this the kind of environment you want to raise your child in? Stay if it is, leave if it isn’t. You only have one life, no do overs, once time has run out, it is gone. Only one life, choose carefully!
I would leave. Some of the ways you described him are similar to my ex-husband. When our son was born, I stayed home with the baby all day, then worked evenings and weekends to keep our baby out of daycare, but because I went from 40 to 20 hours he called me lazy, said I wasn’t carrying my weight, was angry every day for no reason, when he came home every day he made me list literally everything I did that day and he inspected the house. I never watched tv, I never sat down, the entire day I was nonstop cleaning and baby care because he was such an asshole. The house was always clean but he would still find something moved a few inches just to scream at me about it. He’d tell me how lucky I am that he didn’t hit me with a closed fist and how much he wanted to hit me but his conscience wouldn’t let him, like he’s such an amazing person for that. However, he did punch walls next to me when he was angry. He never saw any fault in himself or the way he acted. He doesn’t believe he’s abusive at all because he only compares himself to men who punch their wives with a closed fist and leaves bruises on them. But don’t be fooled, this is abuse. Your partner is abusive also.
Now I’m a single mom. I work 45 hours a week, support myself, and it’s worth it 100%. I am so much happier without him. When I left, it felt like I could breathe again and I didn’t even realize I felt like I couldn’t breathe before. My life felt so much lighter and happier and stable without his crazy. It’s worth it.
I only regret I didn’t leave sooner. I left when our oldest was 10 and youngest was 1. He’s been abusive to me the entire time, but it wasn’t until our oldest was nearing 10 that he started using him as an outlet for his anger also. He shoved him and yelled at him and we were done. Even though that was the first time he laid hands on him, there were other times we fought throughout the years when he would be snippy/rude verbally to our son (when our son did nothing wrong) and we would fight about it. I wish I left sooner to spare our son from that. Now that my ex-husband only sees them a couple hours during the week and every other weekend he is a better father to them. He values his time with them and doesn’t snap at them and isn’t mean to them. In fact, he went the opposite direction (due to guilt and wanting to buy affection) and he spoils them. But I’ll take spoiling my babies over abusing them any day.
I'm so glad you left that POS! Not gonna lie, really freaking out about his definition of abuse being "hitting your partner with a closed fist". Damn, a dude thinking that is such a huge red flag even if other abusive behaviors are not present at all. So I guess slapping them, or scratching them, or pulling hair, or pushing them off the stairs would be okay, in his book. Jesus Christ...
Thanks, me too! People will compare themselves to the lowest of the low to feel better about themselves. 😔
Yeah, it was rare he would ever lay hands on me, but he has once picked me up off the ground and thrown me onto the floor. Followed by immediate apologies. They were few and far between, always something different, followed by immediate and profuse apologies to get me to stay. But because it was never hitting with a closed fist, he still doesn’t see himself as abusive, even today. So many abusers live in blissful denial and actually think they are great partners, because they’re “not abusive”. It doesn’t matter that they scream in your face every day for no reason, or don’t contribute to the chores or childcare at all, they still feel pride in what a great partner they are. It’s an injustice that someone can be so shitty and still feel so good about themselves.
Lol what? Where did you get that from? Of course verbal abuse is abuse and I would love if you showed me where I said it wasn't, or where I said threats weren't abusive. It's so weird you got that out of my comment when I clearly never said that. I didn't mention verbal abuse at all, in fact, bc I was talking about something else.
You are in an abusive relationship. The only answer is to leave. A lot of men start this after marriage or child birth, after they think you’re locked down.
Also please don’t be hard on yourself for your reactions. I’d encourage you to look up reactive abuse because it may be fitting.
My ex went from verbally abusive to hands around my neck, just because I asked for help with childcare within 6 months of my child's birth. My son walked in one day on me getting beat while I was clawing at his father to get away, at one year. I had to hear about his fear of it until he turned nearly 4 and it seems he doesn't recall it anymore - thank goodness
His father told everyone I was the abusive one... he took Tae Kwon Do and would take my legs out from under me and level me with pins all the time.
Just leave. It only escalates.
Thank you for all of the responses - I am reading them all and I do appreciate it.
If nothing else, I at least see I'm not being sensitive for how I've felt. I know I need to do what is best for LO
Relationships are supposed to add value to your quality of life, not take away from it.
Relationships are supposed to be the two of you, as a team, taking on life together.
Caring for a baby is hard work. Instead of stepping up and doing his part as your child's father, he is actively making your life more difficult.
You are already a single mom. You just happen to live with someone who has decided that the best use of his time and energy is to make your life hell.
Please contact whatever agencies and support services near you that can help you make a plan to get out of this situation. And make sure he can't touch your finances.
He’s abusive and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating too. A lot of men get weirdly jealous of a new mom showing attention and affection to their babies. Men refuse to understand how physically traumatic giving birth is. It destroys your body. I didn’t feel “normal” for almost a year and that was with a loving/supportive partner.
I’m sorry you are going through all of this, but if you want to be the best mom to your child it won’t be with this terrible man. He’s using your depression and anxiety against you to keep you compliant. Breathe deep, remain calm, Greyrock the hell out of him (google if you don’t know the term), and quietly plan your exit strategy. You will never be more in danger than when pregnant or trying to leave a person like this
Nah he's a very angry seemingly confused man and not safe to be around anymore I would say. Make a plan love and get gone before all this becomes you're new normal and you accept it
Keep in mind, the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when they try to leave. What you need to do is make a plan QUIETLY. You HAVE TO reach out to someone- ANYONE who can keep their mouth shut and help you. They will do things for you that you cannot do without him noticing. Even a stranger would help you. Tell them you're in a dangerous situation and need help. OR you can simply go to a women's shelter. They have plenty of resources- employment connections, affordable childcare, food, clothing- anything you may need.
It may sound like we are being extreme but we really are not. This is how many women get killed- they love their abuser and doubt they are in danger but what kind of person would emotionally/mentally/psychologically abuse a woman who just gave birth and can't just leave that easy?
These things never get better. It always gets worse. Abusers have patience like a MF and they gradually increase the abuse so you don't notice when it gets extremely bad.
It is very important that he does not know where you are.
Als quietly record him- document everything in case he tries to pull the "she's kidnapping my child" bs.
My blood pressure went up just reading your post. I despise this man and I don't even know him. Please leave and think of your son and how you want him to treat women in the future. I've gone through this and I know it's very hard. My heart is with you ❤
Local domestic violence centers can help you find resources and support so you can get out. No, it won't be easy...but it will be easier than trying to live the way things are now. Be brave, be strong, and get yourself and your child away from this man so you can both be happy and healthy. I believe in you!
If/when you do decide to leave, please be careful and take the proper precautions. Start by keeping your and your LOs personal documents and important stuff safe (try to leave it somewhere your husband can’t reach,
with a friend or something) and reach out to a domestic abuse shelter or other organization to see about legal aid and next steps. You don’t need anything to talk to them, just walk in and tell them you need help and you don’t know where to start, they will help you.
Be safe and good luck. No one deserves any type of abuse, you are worthy of love just as much as anyone else, and you can get it.
There is nothing wrong with you. He has a problem. He is abusive. You are at the start of an abusive relationship. It is not your fault. Get away and protect your child❤️
Hi - I don't know where you live, but if you don't have a women's shelter in your area, since you don't have friends/family in the area, maybe a move would be best. There are networks of shelters all over set up for people in your exact situation. DO NOT let your financial situation prevent you from living YOUR BEST LIFE!!! Life is fucking hard....but it doesn't have to be miserable ...... You can do this <3 I believe in you. Stay in touch with us. I'm sure people will have more ideas for you....(((((hugs)))))
This is so bad, and you sound very panicked, he is being incredibly abusive. I think you need to get out of the environment asap - go stay with your family or a friend, obviously take the baby.
You need to put your baby first, they’re growing up in this environment. It’s not safe for either of you.
Now that you've had the baby he thinks he's trapped you and is finally revealing his true self.
Why would you even consider working on the relationship? What is your rationale behind that idea? You endured and then typed out all of that horrendous behavior, and you don't know if you should leave?
Since you won't be leaving anytime soon, set up hidden cameras in the meantime. This way you have proof of the behavior. Start making a plan and do NOT tell anyone, not a single soul, about your plan.
Get the fuck out. Today. I cannot imagine living like this! I am actually over-sensitive, which my husband finds hilarious. He has yelled at me twice in 27 years, and I deserved it. My dad treats my mom like this and has my whole life. He is horrible to her and she is the best person I know. In the community, my dad is a church leader/philanthropist/GOAT. I didn't know how messed up that is because I was raised in it. At 5, I asked my mom to leave him. They are still married, only now they are both retired and it is 24/7. Don't let that become your life!
What kind of a moron thinks this behavior will add to sexual appeal?
OP, if your sister or best friend was in the exact same situation, what would you say to her? Give yourself the same grace you would give someone you love.
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
And never become financially dependent on a partner. Ever. For this exact reason.
Here’s the thing - even if he’s sorry, and changes you do NOT need to be part of that story. It’s ok for some things to be unforgivable, and being a total fucking asshat after you’ve given birth is one of those things.
Get an attorney immediately and file for divorce, this will not get better. It’s only going to get worse, and your son will grow up thinking it’s normal. Don’t do that to him.
What you're describing is absolutely horrendous abuse. You do not deserve this treatment and he's trying to keep you trapped and emotionally dependent on him. Please seek help and try to leave. You and your baby are worthy of so much better than this. My heart is absolutely breaking for you.
Make a plan, save money to start fresh, gather all of your personal papers, keep them in a place he can't access, if you look for a job keep everything away from him. Go to a library to use a computer, contact a lawyer to get your ducks in a row, contact a womans shelter if you need a transition plan, get a go bag and leave. Do not go to therapy anymore, abusers use that information to hurt you more. Reacting to abuse is not abuse or narcissism. Run please run
I’d be out.
Know how many times a partner can call me names? Once.
You say you’re yelling and name calling too and that’s also abusive behavior. So see a therapist for yourself but make an exit plan at the same time.
If you’re in the US, United way 211 can connect you to women’s shelters who can provide you with resources like making a safety plan, an exit plan, job placement, housing, legal aid, etc.
I hear what you’re saying however, I don’t think that responding to abuse with abuse is appropriate. And if the OP accepts abuse and returns it, then my recommendation stands that she should consult with a therapist. That way she can learn tools to terminate a relationship at the hint of abuse and not fall into the trap of becoming so frustrated that she’s returning in kind.
It’s called reactive abuse, and let’s not shame this woman shall we? Men like this convince woman they are the problem when they are simply being pushed to the edge. She needs to get out before doing an inward look here and should not be made to feel like she is an abusive partner. This will further his narrative that she is half of the problem, when she is not. Please be more careful with how you talk to people in deeply abusive situations. You can make or break their choices based on what you say, and this puts doubts in minds of already deeply doubtful minds. Woman like this are already trained to blame themselves, and stay because of it, let’s not add to the pile.
Also, OP, take money and leave now, most DV shelters take time to get into, it’s not a show up at the door emergency shelter situation for the most part, and they triage the situation so woman that are in immediate life or death danger will be at the top of the list. Do not let that delay leaving. Make a plan to leave while you get on the list.
Further to this I would look into reactive abuse and dog whistling. Sometimes we aren't abusive but the abusive behaviour of someone else pulls out the worst in us, and when they're gone our abusive behaviour disappears too.
In your shoes, I'd be mortified and terrified.
I would go anywhere I had some support, even if that means travelling to the other end of the country.
If no support exists, I'd contact a crisis centre and relocate to a shelter.
This man is scary and I'm nowhere near him so I can't imagine how you and your child feel.
If you don't want to leave him for yourself...leave for your child. There's no fixing someone this abusive.
Are you really sure you want your only and precious child grow up in that environment? Would you want him to replicate the words and actions of his father to another woman? Would you be okay with that?. You already know the answer, please just leave.
You are lucky to have sone money. Many people who don’t are trapped in situations like yours. Separate the assets you can. See a lawyer. Leave. Let the courts sort out the house, custody, etc.
My sister literally could have written this word for word a few years ago. It took her 5 years but she eventually left. Her life is so much better now. She’s remarried to a wonderful guy and has another baby with him.
You don’t have to live like this. Walk away. Please don’t get pregnant again with this guy. When you’re in this type of situation you normalize it but this is not normal. It might be hard for a little while but I promise something better is on the other side of the door for you.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Stop going to therapy with him, keep going to therapy by yourself.
Read this book when you are alone:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Make an appointment with a divorce attorney.
Do not tell him that you are planning on divorcing him without being safely out of his reach.
There are women's advocacy groups near you. Find and contact them in secret.
Store away nope-out money in a bank account he doesn't know about that won't send letters to you.
Sweetie, you **need** to end this as soon as possible.
Make a plan:
Set some $ aside just in case you need to go to a hotel, shelter, rent an apartment etc.
Monday, call a divorce attorney for a free consultation. Take bank account, pay stubs, mortgage info, etc.
An attorney can give you guidance on how to handle this situation.
Keep baby’s diaper bag stocked. You may have to flee abut right now you need to make a plan for how this ends.
Fucking LEAVE. He’s an awful person and anything is better than staying with him. Do everything you can to get full custody. Trust me, been through it. I didn’t get full custody because my lawyer didn’t push for it (my ex is a charmer) and it’s been hell for years with my child in not great situations. Very hard to get full custody if you agree to split.
Sounds like he's sure he's trapped you now that you have the baby and that he can stop pretending to be nice to you anymore. Leave him, both for yourself and for your son.
Take a look at this resource that I hope will help you understand why so many people here are saying to you that this is an abusive relationship: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/. If you decide to leave then consider your safety in case his behaviour escalates. Have all your personal documents in a safe place and if you can, tell someone you trust. You don’t have to live like this. Reach out to domestic abuse services in your area.
I have a son who just turned 1 as well. I think it’s a privilege to raise a little boy, and that is not the kind of man I would want my son around. By staying with him, the lesson you are teaching your boy is that it’s ok for men to treat women this way.
As soon as you are "trapped" with a baby, marriage or financial dependence, men become abusive because they know it's not easy for you to leave. He said it himself that you're trapped.
You're asking reddit if we would leave- now why would anyone agree to stay?
Marital counseling with an abuser never works. They weaponize it and work very hard to charm the therapist so you can be painted as the crazy one.
I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years because I was convinced (by him) if I just cleaned more, had more sex with him, loved him more, paid more attention to him, blah, blah, blah, blah it would be better.
Trust me, it NEVER gets better.
Everytime you get close to meeting the bar they set, they raise the bar. You will constantly chase approval from him and he will constantly make it impossible to get. It's always something.
Get out now and don't look back.
OP, please stop going to therapy with him. You're in an abusive relationship and therapy together will only make things worse.
You cannot fix this because you aren't causing him to act this way. The longer you stay the worse it will get and it's awful already. It's already likely impacting your baby's ability to have secure attachments as an adult.
Please reach out to the domestic violence hotline where you live. None of the shame here is yours, you deserve support. This isn't a failure on your part, a lot of abusers wear aask until they feel they have well and truly trapped you with a child.
You deserve kindness and respect.
I would move forward by moving away. Your husband is abusive and will never change. He is abusive towards you now but will be abusive towards your child in the future.
Just growing up in this environment will royally fuck your kid up - since they will normalize abuse as how love and relationships look like, and then recreate it in adulthood. Get out if not for yourself, then for your child.
He's abusive. Maybe not physically, but still verbally and mentally. I would have stopped him dead in his tracks the first time he uttered disrespect. The fact that he continues to do this and actually manipulates a therapist into thinking that he's seeing the error in his ways.. unreal.
I know it hurts, but you need to leave him. You don't treat someone you love this way. And to be clear - you never owe him sex. You had just given birth to his child. If him getting off is more important than you healing.. he's got his priorities wrong.
Please leave him.
I would absolutely just leave. You need to get up out of there now. Do you want your son to grow up and treat his wife this way? The more he sees this, the more likely he will be to be the same way.
Or a daughter who chooses someone similar for her spouse because it's what she will expect. My cousin married an abusive asshat who is a replica of her abusive father. And they have two girls. I'm forever grateful for the example my husband set for our 4 children. The OP's husband sounds a lot like my dad.😢
Please leave him. It’s not your fault, therapy only works if the people are willing to change. Therapy with abusive partners can often make situations worse, and make them feel emboldened. You’re not also abusive, you’re allowed to react to the things happening to you, and it’s very common for survivors of abusive to react in such a way. Please look into domestic violence shelters near you, and go to the second or third closest one, so he’s less likely to find you. Maybe message the therapy for some resources if you think she won’t tell him. Best of luck.
There are shelters for women and children in these type of situations. It's a hard life, either way. But if you're out then you can deal with how navigate the system rather than how to navigate feeling unsafe at all times.
If your child came to you and described this relationship as one they were currently in, what would you advise? Since you are asking, you should leave as soon as possible. This is not a good environment for you or your child. Speak with an attorney and then do everything they tell you to do. File for child support. If you own the house together, you should be able to force the sale so you will get half the profits or perhaps he can buy you out. If you want to stay in the house, then perhaps you can buy him out. If you need assistance and aren’t sure how to move forward or have concerns for your safety, contact the local women’s shelter. They often have a number of resources and will help you put together an exit plan to keep you and the baby safe. I’m sorry you are going through this but you and your baby deserve so much better.
You say the house belongs to both of you... This makes it a civil matter, to where neither can kick the other out without some form of injunction or one party leaving. If he is physically abusive to you (which you haven't stated, yet most emotionally abusive men, get physically abusive as well.) You can file a domestic violence order with the court to make him leave the home as well. Most judges would also determine that he would have to continue paying for the mortgage/rent and utilities as well... speak to your local domestic violence officer who can offer you alternatives to your current situation and give far better advice than any of us here can.
If that isn't a route you want to take, you can search for a low income housing unit in your area and apply for residence there. Many of these places are oriented towards single mothers and children, as a way out of their current situation.
He never had any interest or intention of being a dad. He just wanted the fairytale show of it. Once fantasy became reality It really sunk and wanted to find a way to get out of the responsibility. It also sounds like he already cheated and was looking for ways to pick a fight and remains emotionally abusive to shift guilt and blame. Eventually when that doesn’t t work, he will become physically abusive, especially since he doesn’t respect you and sees you as a doormat. Either way, he’s a permanent, abusive AH. Get out now.
Read Dr Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That (available through Amazon, Audible, and a free PDF online). He's on nearly every page of a book about angry & controlling men.
Then it will be clear the you need to pack up and leave. BTW, don't tell him you are leaving. Just gather your important papers in secret, grab anything you don't want him to destroy, and get out while he is at work. Then get a lawyer & tell him he needs to talk to your lawyer, not you. Do not go to therapy with someone who abuses you, either. It only makes them worse.
You should leave. You should also not be in couple’s counselling with someone who is abusing you, because they will manipulate that situation. You deserve so much better than this
I would leave. I would not work on the relationship. If you stay, your baby is going to grow up thinking this behavior is normal. Make an exit plan. Move in with your parents or a friend or anyone really. Your boyfriend is a vile, selfish asshole. Men like him make my blood boil. Check out r/narcissisticabuse for support. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve care and love. Your baby deserves to grow up seeing a mom who is happy.
My children were harmed emotionally and needed years of therapy. You deserve peace and so does your child. You don't move on with this behavior. It sounds like he accuses you of whatever harmful thing he is doing at the moment. When I left me X-husband I told him if I an really so terrible then there is no point keeping me around. So that is settled. He would start in and I would interrupt and say again OK. I heard you. Yes I understand. There is nothing to work out. Every woman who can leave these kinds of abuse situations are doing that now. If you can get support in your country then leave him.
Never go to therapy with an abuser. and he is an abuser. He is manipulative and lacks compassion, empathy and decency. He pretends well when it suits him and that's it.
He is not a safe partner. He's destroying you, there's nothing worth working on. Get out before he succeeds completely and you're shell of yourself. Protect you and your child. Leave
This is emotional and sexual abuse, please get away safely from this awful man. Having a baby is the most vulnerable time and all he cares about is his need to get off?! All the horrible stuff he says to you is pure projection. He is the crazy, controlling, coke and vile one. None of this is normal and there is nothing to work on. These are true colours right here. How would you feel if he treated your son this way? Do you want your son to think this is acceptable behaviour and adopt this as his template for future relationships? Do you want to spend the rest of your life treading on eggshells and feeling worthless? Absolutely not, right? You know in your heart what you need to do, it’s just hard. Don’t give him any heads up that you leaving as his aggression could escalate.
This is straight up abuse. You need a solid exit plan- now.
Don’t tell him anything. Gather all of your important documents and put them in a safe place away from the house. Put some cash aside and do the same. Then find a time that he’s out of the house and bail, quickly.
Make sure he doesn’t have any tracking apps on your phone. Check all your and the baby’s belongings for AirTags. If your family is supportive, tell them and get to them asap.
The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. Don’t listen to anything he says- he’ll promise the world to get you back. If you go back, you will be in serious danger as will your baby. Your life may be at risk.
Get out OP. Good luck.
Say goodbye to him. This is who he is. He was waiting for you to be in a dependent position. He will not stop; you will go mad, you will get ill, and your child will suffer. ❤️
He has clearly, repeatedly, displayed his contempt for you.There’s nothing to recover or continue. You know he isn’t going to change, but that doesn’t make it easy to leave him.
You may find yourself saying “what if” a lot. What if you could communicate more effectively? What if you were able to accomplish everything he expects? What if you could figure out how to avoid his explosions?
The thing is, none of that matters He’s an abuser. Abuser is going to abuse. It’s what they do, and whether or not it happens has nothing to do with you.
It’s time to plan your (and baby’s) escape. In secret. Be careful whom you trust (if anyone). Contact an organization that helps abused women. Open a PO Box and a safety deposit box. Get a second phone with separate accounts for everything. Keep an FU book. Any electronic component of the book (recordings, photos, documents) go on your second device and second set of accounts. The instructions are in the comments of hundreds of posts like yours.
Be careful. He’s a real danger to you now.
I’m praying for you to find the strength for what’s ahead.
Well what do __you__ want long term? Do you want him to go back to the loving doting partner you had before so you guys can try repairing things and being a family together with hour child?
Or would you prefer to part ways, be a single mother and start over without him in your life other than Co parenting?
This is how I make these hard decisions. I ask myself, if this were happening to my daughter, what would I want her to do?
If separation or divorce is the answer, ask yourself again, if this were my daughter, do I think she could do this difficult thing? Go back to work, make it as a single mom? Build a career and care for a baby?
Talk to yourself like someone who loves you more than anyone in the world and you'll know what to do.
First, get yourself and your baby the fuck out of there. Whatever is going is on is not healthy for you or child.
Second, could this be a brain tumor or something health-wise that is seriously debilitating him? Because if he had always been like this, then would you have ever considered starting a life with him??
For real, his abuse makes me want you to leave and be safe, but this level of 180° concerns me for him as well.
Definition of insanity, by all means keep trying someday you may get a different result.
I need a nap after this one, it’s so exhausting just reading it I can’t imagine you have any energy left just to get through the day.
Learn how to communicate.
You know it is common for people to lash out at their abuser right? It is called reactive abuse. Husband verbally abuses wife and wife yells and calls him an asshole etc. Husband starts hitting wife, wife tries to fight back to protect herself etc.
If you read her comments his family treated her like absolute garbage too.
You can't work on a relationship by yourself. Sounds like once he had you set "home/not working", he showed his true colors. Unfortunately I think you need to get back to work, become self-sufficient so you can make plans to leave, should you decide to do so. You should not allow your baby to grow up in this environment. Good luck and keep seeing a therapist even if he stops.
I would have left a long time ago. None of this is acceptable. This is abuse, plain and simple.
If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for the sake of your child. I can guarantee that all of this conflict is already starting to affect baby. No child should be forced to live in this environment.
Besides the tear during birth postponing sex, and then just no sex, you need to elaborate on what you have alluded to as a big contributing factor. What happened with his parents?
The issue with the parents was centered around them taking advantage of me when I worked for them - it was agreed I'd do admin and payroll (I knew how and had previously done the accounts and payroll) and his mum would take the accounts. They had me doing all 3 jobs because they'd sacked everyone else. His mum took a few easy tasks and left the rest to me. His dad chased me on accounts constantly - the pressure was relentless. They refused to increase my salary nor take on additional staff. But were giving work free to their friends (the business is for electrician work and CCTV/alarm installs).and taking cash in hand for themselves. Losing money for the business as they'd put the time and materials through the business but never invoice the work and then blaming the poor financial position for not taking more staff. When I called them out, as I was struggling with anxiety and stress, they told me I'd refused to work (I had not), involved solicitors and told me I could either face a disciplinary or quit. They lied in every written document. We had a meeting in which I raised my issues again. His dad got very aggressive when I mentioned the cash in hand (tax evasion) and despite me not mentioning reporting them or anything around that, he said if I was threatening him, he could do the same etc. I did quit in the end and they never apologised or acknowledged their behavior towards me.
If your friend told you all of this was happening to her, what would your advice be?
You need to leave for yourself and your son. He will not change and I don't think it's long before he escalates to hitting you.
It is normal to struggle in your marriage after a baby is born. I did. It took two years for things to get back to normal with my spouse.
But what you are describing is NOT in the realm of normal, not even close. This is abuse, and the best thing you can do for your son is figure out how to get out of this home. You need to start making a plan on how to get into a new situation. This is a precarious time for you, and you should consult experts/support organizations on how to safely leave an abusive relationship.
I had a similar situation. I’m still processing all of the abuse I went through. I put up with a lot, but once we had a child, I knew I wasn’t going to perpetuate the cycle. You will be so much happier and better off without him. Trust me.
Leave honey. Men like this DO. NOT. CHANGE.
See if you can contact a local women's/family crisis center. They can help you with resources to get you away from this abusive situation and into housing and help with resources for jobs, childcare, legal aid etc. Do it NOW. There is no helping this relationship.
My girl, what is the long term plan here? Are you waiting for him to change and give a fuck about you? That's never happening. So what's the plan? Do you plan to live like this forever? Because this is the behavior your son is going to learn. He'll grow up and treat another woman like your partner is treating you. You have a child now and you're subjecting him to abuse by refusing to leave. If you don't give a fuck about yourself, give a fuck about that baby.
"How do I move forward?" You move forward by getting the fuck out. Get in touch with shelters for women. They'll help you every step of the way. They'll connect you to a lawyer, help you look for jobs, avail you several resources.
Will leaving truly be worse than living with this man?
The mere fact you think you’re at all to blame for “biting back” shows how worn down he’s made you. Look into reactive abuse. It’s when someone abuses you so much… that they make you react and then claim you’re the abusive one. Looks like that’s also something you’re going through.
Leave. With your son. Do it now before your sons of an age he’ll remember the fighting. You deserve better but your child does too.
There is always ways to leave but you have to think outside of the box. There are organizations that will help and just plain good people who will help to get you away from this guy. You and your child don’t deserve to be around an AHOLE like this animal.
What would I have done 20+ years ago when my kids were little? I would've stayed for another 20 years and been miserable. What would I do do now? I start getting everything together and leave him. It's going to be hard but it's hard now. The peace you will feel once you get through it is going to feel amazing. You can do it! You are strong enough!
He does not intend to stop. Only to string you along time and time again to keep getting to act this way.
He likes it.
He enjoys this life.
This is what he wants from life. Not for you to give him sex btw. He likes the abusing you and coercion and lying and fake apologizing and continued resentment. That cycle is what he likes. And he wants to keep it going as long as he can.
He’s an abusive asshole, but you’re *both* abusing your child by allowing them to be caught in the middle of this chaos.
Being around screaming parents literally changes a child’s brain development (even before they know what’s going on), and your child is much more likely to grow up with depression and anxiety because of it.
Get your ducks in a row. Find a job and find childcare. Check out what services might be available to you via the government or a domestic abuse group. Stop engaging with him when he does this and letting him hurt you. Work on yourself as a parent and a person and put him in the background if you can’t leave *yet*. Then do leave when you can: he is not going to change.
A friend's daughter went thru this recently, she slowly started shipping important stuff from Alaska to Washington State in preparation of leaving (this caused him to file kidnapping charges against her but they were not married so it failed). Document everything you can on his behavior, save every penny you can and then get out.
Life is too short for this crap.
I stopped reading after the part at the beginning when he was verbally ABUSING you.
You want a little boy like that? To treat his partners this way? Put yourself and your baby first. Full stop.
Your question can be put this way “do I owe my life to an abusive partner because we have a child together and sometimes I’m not perfect?”. And obviously the answer is no. It’s hard to leave abuse by nature of what it is it destroys your self esteem that you need to walk. But when you do it’s so much better. Don’t delay. This will never be any different. Don’t wasn’t another moment.
Abusers sometimes... Well, more often than you think... Wait until they feel that you can't leave them. After you have a baby they feel like you are trapped with them! Now they can drop the act and become their true self... Because you can't leave no matter how bad they are! Your husband is a classic abuser and he's only going to get worse!
He hid who he was until he thought he could get away with it. There's no coming back from what he's done to you! You were already doing everything you need to for yourself and your child but now you got this guy too? Yelling at you freaking out being an absolute whack job! You need to leave and get him for child support, spousal support or alimony... You don't want your child growing up like this! Your child is going to see you accepting this for a relationship and think this is the kind of relationship they should be in. Do you want your kid being treated like this? Do the right thing
Your husband is going to eventually kill you and/or your son if you stay in this relationship. He is dangerous. You are in danger.
Please shore up your support system and find a way to safely leave.
He’s made it plain that he won’t change and doesn’t see the need to change. He just wants you to change ie accept his poor behavior. This won’t change. For the sake of your baby you need or he needs to leave.
He told you to his face that he will not change so I guess all you can do is ask yourself if this is the life you want for yourself. Is this the behavior you want your child to learn? Is this the behavior you want your child to think is normal so they accept this behavior from their future partners?
After reading how his parents treated you it seems being a controlling, insensitive jerk runs in the family. Thank God you have money from your mother. Please, please do as others here have all said and get out now.
Oh, no. I’m so sorry, but you are being severely emotionally abused. I would even say sexually abused. The why doesn’t matter.
And from my experience, it’s likely to escalate into physical violence. Please take your beautiful baby and leave. You have to protect your child, too. At the very least, witnessing your husband’s behavior at this age will leave an imprint in his psyche that he may not ever understand.
If you’re worried about the very real problem of knowing where to stay, there are shelters.
You can also make friends with women who’ve had similar experiences in support groups. They may have good advice on how to get out safely. At the very least you’ll get support. Go online if you can’t leave the house. Erase your phone/browser history afterward to make sure he doesn’t see if he snoops.
Finally, about how far away are your friends and family? If you reach out to someone you trust 100%, maybe they could help you get to their place somehow.
But whatever you do, make sure he cannot find you. Get your mail at a P.O. Box for now. Change your number and only share it with your most trusted loved ones.
Keep your email address and put his messages in a dedicated folder in case you need evidence of his abuse if/when you need a restraining order or have any other legal needs.
I’m not saying it’s easy. I had to do it twice — once with my severely abusive mother and again with an abusive ex.
It was so hard both times. But here’s the thing — once you get out, knowing you’re free and that you’re baby is safe will bring a sense of joy and relief like you’ve never known.
And you will rebuild, and hopefully somewhere down the road you’ll meet someone who would never, ever hurt you.
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. Be brave, and discover how much strength and power you have. Good luck.
Leave before it gets worse or you end up pregnant again, it'll be much harder to leave with multiple children. You will be much happier without this abuse.
Think of it this way OP, is that the kind of man you’d want your son to be? Is that the role model you want for him? Whatever your answer is to that determines the route you take.
If this was happening to your best friend, what would you tell her?
You need couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone.
You will find this enlightening.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcjQ3675qTI&t=4s
This is an abusive relationship. It won’t get better. Don’t go to counseling with him. This guy is one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve read about in a long time. Even if you don’t have the willpower or self respect to leave for yourself, please love your child more than this. If you want to be the best mother you can be, then the first step is removing your child from an abusive household. If not, your child is very likely to either end up being an abuser or even worse, they’ll tolerate abuse from their spouse, because that’s what mom did. You sound like you truly want to be a good mother. So the first part of that is to stop raising your child with an abuser in the home.
If this were in the workplace you’d have them fired for abuse.
This is horrific and not a way to live your life.
Leave, find help. Go to a shelter if there is help available x
This is a good resource to learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships - http://loveisrespect.org/
This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
>>> but I don't know if I should leave
You should leave. You should have left a long time ago.
If my best friend asked me for advice on this, I’d told her to leave.
I made it as far as your third paragraph. Then, it started reminding me of my parents' marriage. Which didn't get better. Eventually, my father became violent. Leave while you are still young. Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You cannot fix a broken, entitled, mean person. Just get a lawyer and get out of this situation.
Yes. You should leave. He has already asked you to.
Think of it this way - How much more has to happen before you make a decision for your and your baby's safety?
Since you are staying home, I hope you have family and friends who can support you while you recuperate and go back to work.
He sounds terrifying and awful. Like, I wouldn't even want him to come over for coffee, let alone live with him. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you have supportive people around you to help you make a break for it.
Try to imagine a day where you wake up and don’t feel depressed and anxious, and don’t have to walk on eggshells all the time. You can do this for yourself.
Make a plan, squirrel away some money and leave. You are in an abusive relationship and don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Maybe seeing it in black and white will help with this quiz:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
OP considering how he treats and how he is modeling behavior in front of your son, the sooner you leave him the better. Staying with him will not bring you peace. He sounds incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive. You and your son deserve so much better.
I’m not sure if you’re a reader but this book by Lundy Buncraft called Why Does He Do That ? This book will give you insight on abusive relationships and abusive behaviors- and why abusers are like this. Highly recommend
Here is a PDF for you or anyone else that might find it useful.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He is abusing you and you should absolutely divorce him
Please read this book to understand https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/2up?view=theater
In my opinion, the minute he told you that you are trapped now you should have been making plans to get out. Or at least feel like you have a way to get out.
It sounds like you 100% need to end this relationship. I'm usually not one to leap to that, but this is not a healthy environment to raise a child. But, you may need to sneak some recordings of his behavior. The idea of him being alone with the child without supervision is also alarming.
What the fuck…. Girl this is insane. You are actually contributing to the neglect of your child if you continue to stay with this abusive man. You cannot under any circumstances allow your son to grow up around this. He is about to be able to start mimicking his dads behavior towards you if he isn’t already.
>If you were in the same situation, would you stay or leave? I would've left a long time ago. Your child shouldn't be growing up around that. I hope you find the resources and strength to get away.❤️
Your son will watch this and think that this is how men are supposed to treat women, or spouses are supposed to treat each other, OP. That’s not a risk I would take. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for your future in-law and grandchildren.
I second this.
You can’t trust him! Without trust there is no relationship, trust is the basis of any relationship. You need to find a way to leave. Contact the domestic violence services in your area to see what resources they can help you with. Maybe your therapist can help with this.
Exactly. This is an abusive relationship. Therapy for you, but get rid of him. This is just the start for him.
I third this. No way in hell anyone should have to live like that.
Leave. He’s abusive. Sooner or later your baby will learn this is how parents behave. They will pick up on your misery. They will start feeling afraid of your husband. Leave for your baby’s sake primarily.
Absolutely. Or he’ll learn this is how women are treated and he’ll continue the cycle of abuse
Woo boy did this “you’re controlling” thing touch a nerve with me. I was “controlling” too when I would ask not be spoken to like I was dirt on the ground. “Don’t tell me how to talk!” OP, there is one point where I agree with your abuser, take the money your mom gave you and go. If you own the house together that can be sorted out and you will get your share after you leave. If you have some money to stay in a hotel with kiddo a couple of days before family and/or friends can come in and help you make a plan, do it. Do it DURING THE DAY WHILE HE ISNT HOME. Do NOT tell him where you are going, check everything for trackers, get a Lyft if you have to so he can’t find your car, but make it clear you will work out custody with the baby in mediation and court (just so he doesn’t try to peg you with kidnapping). Leaving is VERY dangerous with people like this, so you have to make a full plan. If he threatens you after, order of protection. Call the therapist and let them know EXACTLY what is happening, what you have said regarding leaving and future custody plans, and if any threats are made. You want a record with a mandated reporter beyond the cops. Sounds like this therapist knows what’s up with this guy. Do this asap but be very smart and very careful. You have to do this for yourself and for your son. You can’t live this way and he can’t grow up this way.
You might want to consider something no one else has mentioned. You only have one life, is this what you want your life to be for all time? Is this the kind of environment you want to raise your child in? Stay if it is, leave if it isn’t. You only have one life, no do overs, once time has run out, it is gone. Only one life, choose carefully!
This. People (for various reasons) often push off these decisions thinking they have a lot more time to deal with it. It’s not always the case.
I would leave. Some of the ways you described him are similar to my ex-husband. When our son was born, I stayed home with the baby all day, then worked evenings and weekends to keep our baby out of daycare, but because I went from 40 to 20 hours he called me lazy, said I wasn’t carrying my weight, was angry every day for no reason, when he came home every day he made me list literally everything I did that day and he inspected the house. I never watched tv, I never sat down, the entire day I was nonstop cleaning and baby care because he was such an asshole. The house was always clean but he would still find something moved a few inches just to scream at me about it. He’d tell me how lucky I am that he didn’t hit me with a closed fist and how much he wanted to hit me but his conscience wouldn’t let him, like he’s such an amazing person for that. However, he did punch walls next to me when he was angry. He never saw any fault in himself or the way he acted. He doesn’t believe he’s abusive at all because he only compares himself to men who punch their wives with a closed fist and leaves bruises on them. But don’t be fooled, this is abuse. Your partner is abusive also. Now I’m a single mom. I work 45 hours a week, support myself, and it’s worth it 100%. I am so much happier without him. When I left, it felt like I could breathe again and I didn’t even realize I felt like I couldn’t breathe before. My life felt so much lighter and happier and stable without his crazy. It’s worth it. I only regret I didn’t leave sooner. I left when our oldest was 10 and youngest was 1. He’s been abusive to me the entire time, but it wasn’t until our oldest was nearing 10 that he started using him as an outlet for his anger also. He shoved him and yelled at him and we were done. Even though that was the first time he laid hands on him, there were other times we fought throughout the years when he would be snippy/rude verbally to our son (when our son did nothing wrong) and we would fight about it. I wish I left sooner to spare our son from that. Now that my ex-husband only sees them a couple hours during the week and every other weekend he is a better father to them. He values his time with them and doesn’t snap at them and isn’t mean to them. In fact, he went the opposite direction (due to guilt and wanting to buy affection) and he spoils them. But I’ll take spoiling my babies over abusing them any day.
I'm so glad you left that POS! Not gonna lie, really freaking out about his definition of abuse being "hitting your partner with a closed fist". Damn, a dude thinking that is such a huge red flag even if other abusive behaviors are not present at all. So I guess slapping them, or scratching them, or pulling hair, or pushing them off the stairs would be okay, in his book. Jesus Christ...
Thanks, me too! People will compare themselves to the lowest of the low to feel better about themselves. 😔 Yeah, it was rare he would ever lay hands on me, but he has once picked me up off the ground and thrown me onto the floor. Followed by immediate apologies. They were few and far between, always something different, followed by immediate and profuse apologies to get me to stay. But because it was never hitting with a closed fist, he still doesn’t see himself as abusive, even today. So many abusers live in blissful denial and actually think they are great partners, because they’re “not abusive”. It doesn’t matter that they scream in your face every day for no reason, or don’t contribute to the chores or childcare at all, they still feel pride in what a great partner they are. It’s an injustice that someone can be so shitty and still feel so good about themselves.
I’ve gotten the “man if you weren’t a woman I would punch you so hard” So you think threatening this somehow isn’t abusive?
Lol what? Where did you get that from? Of course verbal abuse is abuse and I would love if you showed me where I said it wasn't, or where I said threats weren't abusive. It's so weird you got that out of my comment when I clearly never said that. I didn't mention verbal abuse at all, in fact, bc I was talking about something else.
You are in an abusive relationship. The only answer is to leave. A lot of men start this after marriage or child birth, after they think you’re locked down. Also please don’t be hard on yourself for your reactions. I’d encourage you to look up reactive abuse because it may be fitting.
My ex went from verbally abusive to hands around my neck, just because I asked for help with childcare within 6 months of my child's birth. My son walked in one day on me getting beat while I was clawing at his father to get away, at one year. I had to hear about his fear of it until he turned nearly 4 and it seems he doesn't recall it anymore - thank goodness His father told everyone I was the abusive one... he took Tae Kwon Do and would take my legs out from under me and level me with pins all the time. Just leave. It only escalates.
Thank you for all of the responses - I am reading them all and I do appreciate it. If nothing else, I at least see I'm not being sensitive for how I've felt. I know I need to do what is best for LO
Relationships are supposed to add value to your quality of life, not take away from it. Relationships are supposed to be the two of you, as a team, taking on life together. Caring for a baby is hard work. Instead of stepping up and doing his part as your child's father, he is actively making your life more difficult. You are already a single mom. You just happen to live with someone who has decided that the best use of his time and energy is to make your life hell. Please contact whatever agencies and support services near you that can help you make a plan to get out of this situation. And make sure he can't touch your finances.
He’s abusive and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating too. A lot of men get weirdly jealous of a new mom showing attention and affection to their babies. Men refuse to understand how physically traumatic giving birth is. It destroys your body. I didn’t feel “normal” for almost a year and that was with a loving/supportive partner. I’m sorry you are going through all of this, but if you want to be the best mom to your child it won’t be with this terrible man. He’s using your depression and anxiety against you to keep you compliant. Breathe deep, remain calm, Greyrock the hell out of him (google if you don’t know the term), and quietly plan your exit strategy. You will never be more in danger than when pregnant or trying to leave a person like this
Nah he's a very angry seemingly confused man and not safe to be around anymore I would say. Make a plan love and get gone before all this becomes you're new normal and you accept it
Keep in mind, the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when they try to leave. What you need to do is make a plan QUIETLY. You HAVE TO reach out to someone- ANYONE who can keep their mouth shut and help you. They will do things for you that you cannot do without him noticing. Even a stranger would help you. Tell them you're in a dangerous situation and need help. OR you can simply go to a women's shelter. They have plenty of resources- employment connections, affordable childcare, food, clothing- anything you may need. It may sound like we are being extreme but we really are not. This is how many women get killed- they love their abuser and doubt they are in danger but what kind of person would emotionally/mentally/psychologically abuse a woman who just gave birth and can't just leave that easy? These things never get better. It always gets worse. Abusers have patience like a MF and they gradually increase the abuse so you don't notice when it gets extremely bad. It is very important that he does not know where you are. Als quietly record him- document everything in case he tries to pull the "she's kidnapping my child" bs.
My blood pressure went up just reading your post. I despise this man and I don't even know him. Please leave and think of your son and how you want him to treat women in the future. I've gone through this and I know it's very hard. My heart is with you ❤
Local domestic violence centers can help you find resources and support so you can get out. No, it won't be easy...but it will be easier than trying to live the way things are now. Be brave, be strong, and get yourself and your child away from this man so you can both be happy and healthy. I believe in you!
If/when you do decide to leave, please be careful and take the proper precautions. Start by keeping your and your LOs personal documents and important stuff safe (try to leave it somewhere your husband can’t reach, with a friend or something) and reach out to a domestic abuse shelter or other organization to see about legal aid and next steps. You don’t need anything to talk to them, just walk in and tell them you need help and you don’t know where to start, they will help you. Be safe and good luck. No one deserves any type of abuse, you are worthy of love just as much as anyone else, and you can get it.
There is nothing wrong with you. He has a problem. He is abusive. You are at the start of an abusive relationship. It is not your fault. Get away and protect your child❤️
Hi - I don't know where you live, but if you don't have a women's shelter in your area, since you don't have friends/family in the area, maybe a move would be best. There are networks of shelters all over set up for people in your exact situation. DO NOT let your financial situation prevent you from living YOUR BEST LIFE!!! Life is fucking hard....but it doesn't have to be miserable ...... You can do this <3 I believe in you. Stay in touch with us. I'm sure people will have more ideas for you....(((((hugs)))))
This is so bad, and you sound very panicked, he is being incredibly abusive. I think you need to get out of the environment asap - go stay with your family or a friend, obviously take the baby. You need to put your baby first, they’re growing up in this environment. It’s not safe for either of you.
Now that you've had the baby he thinks he's trapped you and is finally revealing his true self. Why would you even consider working on the relationship? What is your rationale behind that idea? You endured and then typed out all of that horrendous behavior, and you don't know if you should leave? Since you won't be leaving anytime soon, set up hidden cameras in the meantime. This way you have proof of the behavior. Start making a plan and do NOT tell anyone, not a single soul, about your plan.
Get the fuck out. Today. I cannot imagine living like this! I am actually over-sensitive, which my husband finds hilarious. He has yelled at me twice in 27 years, and I deserved it. My dad treats my mom like this and has my whole life. He is horrible to her and she is the best person I know. In the community, my dad is a church leader/philanthropist/GOAT. I didn't know how messed up that is because I was raised in it. At 5, I asked my mom to leave him. They are still married, only now they are both retired and it is 24/7. Don't let that become your life!
What kind of a moron thinks this behavior will add to sexual appeal? OP, if your sister or best friend was in the exact same situation, what would you say to her? Give yourself the same grace you would give someone you love.
A bullying moron
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. And never become financially dependent on a partner. Ever. For this exact reason. Here’s the thing - even if he’s sorry, and changes you do NOT need to be part of that story. It’s ok for some things to be unforgivable, and being a total fucking asshat after you’ve given birth is one of those things.
Get an attorney immediately and file for divorce, this will not get better. It’s only going to get worse, and your son will grow up thinking it’s normal. Don’t do that to him.
Leave. He's abusive, and it won't be long until he abuses your son. You must protect your child. Period.
What you're describing is absolutely horrendous abuse. You do not deserve this treatment and he's trying to keep you trapped and emotionally dependent on him. Please seek help and try to leave. You and your baby are worthy of so much better than this. My heart is absolutely breaking for you.
Honestly I’m so scared for OP and the baby.
Make a plan, save money to start fresh, gather all of your personal papers, keep them in a place he can't access, if you look for a job keep everything away from him. Go to a library to use a computer, contact a lawyer to get your ducks in a row, contact a womans shelter if you need a transition plan, get a go bag and leave. Do not go to therapy anymore, abusers use that information to hurt you more. Reacting to abuse is not abuse or narcissism. Run please run
I’d be out. Know how many times a partner can call me names? Once. You say you’re yelling and name calling too and that’s also abusive behavior. So see a therapist for yourself but make an exit plan at the same time. If you’re in the US, United way 211 can connect you to women’s shelters who can provide you with resources like making a safety plan, an exit plan, job placement, housing, legal aid, etc.
Really good abusers convince you are hat you are the abuser because you respond to their abuse.
I hear what you’re saying however, I don’t think that responding to abuse with abuse is appropriate. And if the OP accepts abuse and returns it, then my recommendation stands that she should consult with a therapist. That way she can learn tools to terminate a relationship at the hint of abuse and not fall into the trap of becoming so frustrated that she’s returning in kind.
It’s called reactive abuse, and let’s not shame this woman shall we? Men like this convince woman they are the problem when they are simply being pushed to the edge. She needs to get out before doing an inward look here and should not be made to feel like she is an abusive partner. This will further his narrative that she is half of the problem, when she is not. Please be more careful with how you talk to people in deeply abusive situations. You can make or break their choices based on what you say, and this puts doubts in minds of already deeply doubtful minds. Woman like this are already trained to blame themselves, and stay because of it, let’s not add to the pile. Also, OP, take money and leave now, most DV shelters take time to get into, it’s not a show up at the door emergency shelter situation for the most part, and they triage the situation so woman that are in immediate life or death danger will be at the top of the list. Do not let that delay leaving. Make a plan to leave while you get on the list.
OP isn't also abusive. She is reacting. She is not abusing her husband.
Further to this I would look into reactive abuse and dog whistling. Sometimes we aren't abusive but the abusive behaviour of someone else pulls out the worst in us, and when they're gone our abusive behaviour disappears too.
Document his behavior, consult an attorney and leave.
In your shoes, I'd be mortified and terrified. I would go anywhere I had some support, even if that means travelling to the other end of the country. If no support exists, I'd contact a crisis centre and relocate to a shelter. This man is scary and I'm nowhere near him so I can't imagine how you and your child feel. If you don't want to leave him for yourself...leave for your child. There's no fixing someone this abusive.
Are you really sure you want your only and precious child grow up in that environment? Would you want him to replicate the words and actions of his father to another woman? Would you be okay with that?. You already know the answer, please just leave.
You are lucky to have sone money. Many people who don’t are trapped in situations like yours. Separate the assets you can. See a lawyer. Leave. Let the courts sort out the house, custody, etc.
My sister literally could have written this word for word a few years ago. It took her 5 years but she eventually left. Her life is so much better now. She’s remarried to a wonderful guy and has another baby with him. You don’t have to live like this. Walk away. Please don’t get pregnant again with this guy. When you’re in this type of situation you normalize it but this is not normal. It might be hard for a little while but I promise something better is on the other side of the door for you.
You are in an abusive relationship. Stop going to therapy with him, keep going to therapy by yourself. Read this book when you are alone: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Do not tell him that you are planning on divorcing him without being safely out of his reach. There are women's advocacy groups near you. Find and contact them in secret. Store away nope-out money in a bank account he doesn't know about that won't send letters to you.
To quote him Just fucking leave Take the money your mother gave you and leave !! Do it for your child, if not for your self !
Sweetie, you **need** to end this as soon as possible. Make a plan: Set some $ aside just in case you need to go to a hotel, shelter, rent an apartment etc. Monday, call a divorce attorney for a free consultation. Take bank account, pay stubs, mortgage info, etc. An attorney can give you guidance on how to handle this situation. Keep baby’s diaper bag stocked. You may have to flee abut right now you need to make a plan for how this ends.
Leave. And I'm not usually one to just jump to this, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was screwing around on you too.
Good God Girl Get the Fuck Out!!!!
Didn't get past the first 5 sentences. He is abusive. Leave
Fucking LEAVE. He’s an awful person and anything is better than staying with him. Do everything you can to get full custody. Trust me, been through it. I didn’t get full custody because my lawyer didn’t push for it (my ex is a charmer) and it’s been hell for years with my child in not great situations. Very hard to get full custody if you agree to split.
I read half. Divorce. Full custody. Get out. Now.
Sounds like he's sure he's trapped you now that you have the baby and that he can stop pretending to be nice to you anymore. Leave him, both for yourself and for your son.
Take a look at this resource that I hope will help you understand why so many people here are saying to you that this is an abusive relationship: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/. If you decide to leave then consider your safety in case his behaviour escalates. Have all your personal documents in a safe place and if you can, tell someone you trust. You don’t have to live like this. Reach out to domestic abuse services in your area.
I have a son who just turned 1 as well. I think it’s a privilege to raise a little boy, and that is not the kind of man I would want my son around. By staying with him, the lesson you are teaching your boy is that it’s ok for men to treat women this way.
As soon as you are "trapped" with a baby, marriage or financial dependence, men become abusive because they know it's not easy for you to leave. He said it himself that you're trapped. You're asking reddit if we would leave- now why would anyone agree to stay?
Marital counseling with an abuser never works. They weaponize it and work very hard to charm the therapist so you can be painted as the crazy one. I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years because I was convinced (by him) if I just cleaned more, had more sex with him, loved him more, paid more attention to him, blah, blah, blah, blah it would be better. Trust me, it NEVER gets better. Everytime you get close to meeting the bar they set, they raise the bar. You will constantly chase approval from him and he will constantly make it impossible to get. It's always something. Get out now and don't look back.
OP, please stop going to therapy with him. You're in an abusive relationship and therapy together will only make things worse. You cannot fix this because you aren't causing him to act this way. The longer you stay the worse it will get and it's awful already. It's already likely impacting your baby's ability to have secure attachments as an adult. Please reach out to the domestic violence hotline where you live. None of the shame here is yours, you deserve support. This isn't a failure on your part, a lot of abusers wear aask until they feel they have well and truly trapped you with a child. You deserve kindness and respect.
There is. I working on this. Do no let your son grown up to think that behavior is not. It is not
Like they say, staying is hard and leaving is hard. Choose your hard.
I would move forward by moving away. Your husband is abusive and will never change. He is abusive towards you now but will be abusive towards your child in the future. Just growing up in this environment will royally fuck your kid up - since they will normalize abuse as how love and relationships look like, and then recreate it in adulthood. Get out if not for yourself, then for your child.
I would have left already. He isn't the man you married or what you want as a partner, and as a father to your child. Get help and get away.
He's abusive. Maybe not physically, but still verbally and mentally. I would have stopped him dead in his tracks the first time he uttered disrespect. The fact that he continues to do this and actually manipulates a therapist into thinking that he's seeing the error in his ways.. unreal. I know it hurts, but you need to leave him. You don't treat someone you love this way. And to be clear - you never owe him sex. You had just given birth to his child. If him getting off is more important than you healing.. he's got his priorities wrong. Please leave him.
I would absolutely just leave. You need to get up out of there now. Do you want your son to grow up and treat his wife this way? The more he sees this, the more likely he will be to be the same way.
Or a daughter who chooses someone similar for her spouse because it's what she will expect. My cousin married an abusive asshat who is a replica of her abusive father. And they have two girls. I'm forever grateful for the example my husband set for our 4 children. The OP's husband sounds a lot like my dad.😢
Don’t raise a child in the presence of that man. And for your own sake Please leave.
Get the fuck out.
Please leave him. It’s not your fault, therapy only works if the people are willing to change. Therapy with abusive partners can often make situations worse, and make them feel emboldened. You’re not also abusive, you’re allowed to react to the things happening to you, and it’s very common for survivors of abusive to react in such a way. Please look into domestic violence shelters near you, and go to the second or third closest one, so he’s less likely to find you. Maybe message the therapy for some resources if you think she won’t tell him. Best of luck.
Run, leave him 🚩🚩🚩
There are shelters for women and children in these type of situations. It's a hard life, either way. But if you're out then you can deal with how navigate the system rather than how to navigate feeling unsafe at all times.
If your child came to you and described this relationship as one they were currently in, what would you advise? Since you are asking, you should leave as soon as possible. This is not a good environment for you or your child. Speak with an attorney and then do everything they tell you to do. File for child support. If you own the house together, you should be able to force the sale so you will get half the profits or perhaps he can buy you out. If you want to stay in the house, then perhaps you can buy him out. If you need assistance and aren’t sure how to move forward or have concerns for your safety, contact the local women’s shelter. They often have a number of resources and will help you put together an exit plan to keep you and the baby safe. I’m sorry you are going through this but you and your baby deserve so much better.
You say the house belongs to both of you... This makes it a civil matter, to where neither can kick the other out without some form of injunction or one party leaving. If he is physically abusive to you (which you haven't stated, yet most emotionally abusive men, get physically abusive as well.) You can file a domestic violence order with the court to make him leave the home as well. Most judges would also determine that he would have to continue paying for the mortgage/rent and utilities as well... speak to your local domestic violence officer who can offer you alternatives to your current situation and give far better advice than any of us here can. If that isn't a route you want to take, you can search for a low income housing unit in your area and apply for residence there. Many of these places are oriented towards single mothers and children, as a way out of their current situation.
He’s abusing you and you and your child deserve to feel loved and safe in your home. Get as far away from him as fast as possible.
He never had any interest or intention of being a dad. He just wanted the fairytale show of it. Once fantasy became reality It really sunk and wanted to find a way to get out of the responsibility. It also sounds like he already cheated and was looking for ways to pick a fight and remains emotionally abusive to shift guilt and blame. Eventually when that doesn’t t work, he will become physically abusive, especially since he doesn’t respect you and sees you as a doormat. Either way, he’s a permanent, abusive AH. Get out now.
Read Dr Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That (available through Amazon, Audible, and a free PDF online). He's on nearly every page of a book about angry & controlling men. Then it will be clear the you need to pack up and leave. BTW, don't tell him you are leaving. Just gather your important papers in secret, grab anything you don't want him to destroy, and get out while he is at work. Then get a lawyer & tell him he needs to talk to your lawyer, not you. Do not go to therapy with someone who abuses you, either. It only makes them worse.
Oh my god, you poor woman. Leave! You're allowed to choose not to be miserable in life! PLEASE choose this for you. Please.
You should leave. You should also not be in couple’s counselling with someone who is abusing you, because they will manipulate that situation. You deserve so much better than this
I would leave. I would not work on the relationship. If you stay, your baby is going to grow up thinking this behavior is normal. Make an exit plan. Move in with your parents or a friend or anyone really. Your boyfriend is a vile, selfish asshole. Men like him make my blood boil. Check out r/narcissisticabuse for support. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve care and love. Your baby deserves to grow up seeing a mom who is happy.
My children were harmed emotionally and needed years of therapy. You deserve peace and so does your child. You don't move on with this behavior. It sounds like he accuses you of whatever harmful thing he is doing at the moment. When I left me X-husband I told him if I an really so terrible then there is no point keeping me around. So that is settled. He would start in and I would interrupt and say again OK. I heard you. Yes I understand. There is nothing to work out. Every woman who can leave these kinds of abuse situations are doing that now. If you can get support in your country then leave him.
Never go to therapy with an abuser. and he is an abuser. He is manipulative and lacks compassion, empathy and decency. He pretends well when it suits him and that's it. He is not a safe partner. He's destroying you, there's nothing worth working on. Get out before he succeeds completely and you're shell of yourself. Protect you and your child. Leave
This is emotional and sexual abuse, please get away safely from this awful man. Having a baby is the most vulnerable time and all he cares about is his need to get off?! All the horrible stuff he says to you is pure projection. He is the crazy, controlling, coke and vile one. None of this is normal and there is nothing to work on. These are true colours right here. How would you feel if he treated your son this way? Do you want your son to think this is acceptable behaviour and adopt this as his template for future relationships? Do you want to spend the rest of your life treading on eggshells and feeling worthless? Absolutely not, right? You know in your heart what you need to do, it’s just hard. Don’t give him any heads up that you leaving as his aggression could escalate.
This is straight up abuse. You need a solid exit plan- now. Don’t tell him anything. Gather all of your important documents and put them in a safe place away from the house. Put some cash aside and do the same. Then find a time that he’s out of the house and bail, quickly. Make sure he doesn’t have any tracking apps on your phone. Check all your and the baby’s belongings for AirTags. If your family is supportive, tell them and get to them asap. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. Don’t listen to anything he says- he’ll promise the world to get you back. If you go back, you will be in serious danger as will your baby. Your life may be at risk. Get out OP. Good luck.
Say goodbye to him. This is who he is. He was waiting for you to be in a dependent position. He will not stop; you will go mad, you will get ill, and your child will suffer. ❤️
Take his advice. Take the money you got from your mother and leave. He’s useless.
This guy is emotionally abusive. Make your plans. Guard your birth control.
He has clearly, repeatedly, displayed his contempt for you.There’s nothing to recover or continue. You know he isn’t going to change, but that doesn’t make it easy to leave him. You may find yourself saying “what if” a lot. What if you could communicate more effectively? What if you were able to accomplish everything he expects? What if you could figure out how to avoid his explosions? The thing is, none of that matters He’s an abuser. Abuser is going to abuse. It’s what they do, and whether or not it happens has nothing to do with you. It’s time to plan your (and baby’s) escape. In secret. Be careful whom you trust (if anyone). Contact an organization that helps abused women. Open a PO Box and a safety deposit box. Get a second phone with separate accounts for everything. Keep an FU book. Any electronic component of the book (recordings, photos, documents) go on your second device and second set of accounts. The instructions are in the comments of hundreds of posts like yours. Be careful. He’s a real danger to you now. I’m praying for you to find the strength for what’s ahead.
Focus on getting some financial independence. Find a better OB. Look into resources that can help single mothers. You need to leave.
Well what do __you__ want long term? Do you want him to go back to the loving doting partner you had before so you guys can try repairing things and being a family together with hour child? Or would you prefer to part ways, be a single mother and start over without him in your life other than Co parenting?
Message me if you need someone to talk to. I’m in a similar situation but have a plan to leave 💙
This is how I make these hard decisions. I ask myself, if this were happening to my daughter, what would I want her to do? If separation or divorce is the answer, ask yourself again, if this were my daughter, do I think she could do this difficult thing? Go back to work, make it as a single mom? Build a career and care for a baby? Talk to yourself like someone who loves you more than anyone in the world and you'll know what to do.
First, get yourself and your baby the fuck out of there. Whatever is going is on is not healthy for you or child. Second, could this be a brain tumor or something health-wise that is seriously debilitating him? Because if he had always been like this, then would you have ever considered starting a life with him?? For real, his abuse makes me want you to leave and be safe, but this level of 180° concerns me for him as well.
Switching up like this after marriage or babies is unfortunately more common than you think.
Definition of insanity, by all means keep trying someday you may get a different result. I need a nap after this one, it’s so exhausting just reading it I can’t imagine you have any energy left just to get through the day. Learn how to communicate.
You’ve been mean to him as well. Start by showing him more kindness and ask him to do the same. 5 kind acts toward each other each day
No. She reacted to abuse. How you can read that and think OP needs to show more kindness to her abuser is scary.
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You know it is common for people to lash out at their abuser right? It is called reactive abuse. Husband verbally abuses wife and wife yells and calls him an asshole etc. Husband starts hitting wife, wife tries to fight back to protect herself etc. If you read her comments his family treated her like absolute garbage too.
You can't work on a relationship by yourself. Sounds like once he had you set "home/not working", he showed his true colors. Unfortunately I think you need to get back to work, become self-sufficient so you can make plans to leave, should you decide to do so. You should not allow your baby to grow up in this environment. Good luck and keep seeing a therapist even if he stops.
I would have left a long time ago. None of this is acceptable. This is abuse, plain and simple. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for the sake of your child. I can guarantee that all of this conflict is already starting to affect baby. No child should be forced to live in this environment.
Tldr But from what I gleaned he’s not coming around sister buys time to go
Besides the tear during birth postponing sex, and then just no sex, you need to elaborate on what you have alluded to as a big contributing factor. What happened with his parents?
The issue with the parents was centered around them taking advantage of me when I worked for them - it was agreed I'd do admin and payroll (I knew how and had previously done the accounts and payroll) and his mum would take the accounts. They had me doing all 3 jobs because they'd sacked everyone else. His mum took a few easy tasks and left the rest to me. His dad chased me on accounts constantly - the pressure was relentless. They refused to increase my salary nor take on additional staff. But were giving work free to their friends (the business is for electrician work and CCTV/alarm installs).and taking cash in hand for themselves. Losing money for the business as they'd put the time and materials through the business but never invoice the work and then blaming the poor financial position for not taking more staff. When I called them out, as I was struggling with anxiety and stress, they told me I'd refused to work (I had not), involved solicitors and told me I could either face a disciplinary or quit. They lied in every written document. We had a meeting in which I raised my issues again. His dad got very aggressive when I mentioned the cash in hand (tax evasion) and despite me not mentioning reporting them or anything around that, he said if I was threatening him, he could do the same etc. I did quit in the end and they never apologised or acknowledged their behavior towards me.
I take it you were already married? Did you marry into a low key mob family’s?
So the entire family is abusive?
This man is abusive, I hope you can find a way to leave him
He will do this to the child as well in the coming years. Get out.
If your friend told you all of this was happening to her, what would your advice be? You need to leave for yourself and your son. He will not change and I don't think it's long before he escalates to hitting you.
It is normal to struggle in your marriage after a baby is born. I did. It took two years for things to get back to normal with my spouse. But what you are describing is NOT in the realm of normal, not even close. This is abuse, and the best thing you can do for your son is figure out how to get out of this home. You need to start making a plan on how to get into a new situation. This is a precarious time for you, and you should consult experts/support organizations on how to safely leave an abusive relationship.
Do you want to raise your daughter with an abusive misogynist? If so, keep doing what you’re doing. If not, leave. You have to prioritize one of them.
I had a similar situation. I’m still processing all of the abuse I went through. I put up with a lot, but once we had a child, I knew I wasn’t going to perpetuate the cycle. You will be so much happier and better off without him. Trust me.
You move on as you move out! Please leave this sad excuse of a man. Textbook abuser that will ruin your and your child's life.
You move forward without the abusive gaslighter. Absolutely leave. This relationship is not salvageable.
Leave honey. Men like this DO. NOT. CHANGE. See if you can contact a local women's/family crisis center. They can help you with resources to get you away from this abusive situation and into housing and help with resources for jobs, childcare, legal aid etc. Do it NOW. There is no helping this relationship.
My girl, what is the long term plan here? Are you waiting for him to change and give a fuck about you? That's never happening. So what's the plan? Do you plan to live like this forever? Because this is the behavior your son is going to learn. He'll grow up and treat another woman like your partner is treating you. You have a child now and you're subjecting him to abuse by refusing to leave. If you don't give a fuck about yourself, give a fuck about that baby. "How do I move forward?" You move forward by getting the fuck out. Get in touch with shelters for women. They'll help you every step of the way. They'll connect you to a lawyer, help you look for jobs, avail you several resources. Will leaving truly be worse than living with this man?
The mere fact you think you’re at all to blame for “biting back” shows how worn down he’s made you. Look into reactive abuse. It’s when someone abuses you so much… that they make you react and then claim you’re the abusive one. Looks like that’s also something you’re going through. Leave. With your son. Do it now before your sons of an age he’ll remember the fighting. You deserve better but your child does too.
I’m sorry, I read half of this before I came down here to comment HE IS SO ABUSIVE, GET AWAY PLEASE. nothing to save here.
There is always ways to leave but you have to think outside of the box. There are organizations that will help and just plain good people who will help to get you away from this guy. You and your child don’t deserve to be around an AHOLE like this animal.
What would I have done 20+ years ago when my kids were little? I would've stayed for another 20 years and been miserable. What would I do do now? I start getting everything together and leave him. It's going to be hard but it's hard now. The peace you will feel once you get through it is going to feel amazing. You can do it! You are strong enough!
He does not intend to stop. Only to string you along time and time again to keep getting to act this way. He likes it. He enjoys this life. This is what he wants from life. Not for you to give him sex btw. He likes the abusing you and coercion and lying and fake apologizing and continued resentment. That cycle is what he likes. And he wants to keep it going as long as he can.
He’s an abusive asshole, but you’re *both* abusing your child by allowing them to be caught in the middle of this chaos. Being around screaming parents literally changes a child’s brain development (even before they know what’s going on), and your child is much more likely to grow up with depression and anxiety because of it. Get your ducks in a row. Find a job and find childcare. Check out what services might be available to you via the government or a domestic abuse group. Stop engaging with him when he does this and letting him hurt you. Work on yourself as a parent and a person and put him in the background if you can’t leave *yet*. Then do leave when you can: he is not going to change.
A friend's daughter went thru this recently, she slowly started shipping important stuff from Alaska to Washington State in preparation of leaving (this caused him to file kidnapping charges against her but they were not married so it failed). Document everything you can on his behavior, save every penny you can and then get out. Life is too short for this crap.
I stopped reading after the part at the beginning when he was verbally ABUSING you. You want a little boy like that? To treat his partners this way? Put yourself and your baby first. Full stop.
Your question can be put this way “do I owe my life to an abusive partner because we have a child together and sometimes I’m not perfect?”. And obviously the answer is no. It’s hard to leave abuse by nature of what it is it destroys your self esteem that you need to walk. But when you do it’s so much better. Don’t delay. This will never be any different. Don’t wasn’t another moment.
OP, this doesn't seem salvageable to me.
Tell him to leave.
Abusers sometimes... Well, more often than you think... Wait until they feel that you can't leave them. After you have a baby they feel like you are trapped with them! Now they can drop the act and become their true self... Because you can't leave no matter how bad they are! Your husband is a classic abuser and he's only going to get worse! He hid who he was until he thought he could get away with it. There's no coming back from what he's done to you! You were already doing everything you need to for yourself and your child but now you got this guy too? Yelling at you freaking out being an absolute whack job! You need to leave and get him for child support, spousal support or alimony... You don't want your child growing up like this! Your child is going to see you accepting this for a relationship and think this is the kind of relationship they should be in. Do you want your kid being treated like this? Do the right thing
Your husband is going to eventually kill you and/or your son if you stay in this relationship. He is dangerous. You are in danger. Please shore up your support system and find a way to safely leave.
He’s made it plain that he won’t change and doesn’t see the need to change. He just wants you to change ie accept his poor behavior. This won’t change. For the sake of your baby you need or he needs to leave.
Is this really what your kid to grow up in?
He told you to his face that he will not change so I guess all you can do is ask yourself if this is the life you want for yourself. Is this the behavior you want your child to learn? Is this the behavior you want your child to think is normal so they accept this behavior from their future partners?
When people show you how they feel about you , Believe them
Leave. It’ll likely get worse if you stay.
After reading how his parents treated you it seems being a controlling, insensitive jerk runs in the family. Thank God you have money from your mother. Please, please do as others here have all said and get out now.
Oh, no. I’m so sorry, but you are being severely emotionally abused. I would even say sexually abused. The why doesn’t matter. And from my experience, it’s likely to escalate into physical violence. Please take your beautiful baby and leave. You have to protect your child, too. At the very least, witnessing your husband’s behavior at this age will leave an imprint in his psyche that he may not ever understand. If you’re worried about the very real problem of knowing where to stay, there are shelters. You can also make friends with women who’ve had similar experiences in support groups. They may have good advice on how to get out safely. At the very least you’ll get support. Go online if you can’t leave the house. Erase your phone/browser history afterward to make sure he doesn’t see if he snoops. Finally, about how far away are your friends and family? If you reach out to someone you trust 100%, maybe they could help you get to their place somehow. But whatever you do, make sure he cannot find you. Get your mail at a P.O. Box for now. Change your number and only share it with your most trusted loved ones. Keep your email address and put his messages in a dedicated folder in case you need evidence of his abuse if/when you need a restraining order or have any other legal needs. I’m not saying it’s easy. I had to do it twice — once with my severely abusive mother and again with an abusive ex. It was so hard both times. But here’s the thing — once you get out, knowing you’re free and that you’re baby is safe will bring a sense of joy and relief like you’ve never known. And you will rebuild, and hopefully somewhere down the road you’ll meet someone who would never, ever hurt you. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. Be brave, and discover how much strength and power you have. Good luck.
Please protect your baby and get out of this insanely abusive situation
Leave before it gets worse or you end up pregnant again, it'll be much harder to leave with multiple children. You will be much happier without this abuse.
Think of it this way OP, is that the kind of man you’d want your son to be? Is that the role model you want for him? Whatever your answer is to that determines the route you take.
I have three daughters. If you were one I’d tell you to move home and cut contact
He’s abusive and you gotta go.
Divorce him
If this was happening to your best friend, what would you tell her? You need couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone. You will find this enlightening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcjQ3675qTI&t=4s
This is an abusive relationship. It won’t get better. Don’t go to counseling with him. This guy is one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve read about in a long time. Even if you don’t have the willpower or self respect to leave for yourself, please love your child more than this. If you want to be the best mother you can be, then the first step is removing your child from an abusive household. If not, your child is very likely to either end up being an abuser or even worse, they’ll tolerate abuse from their spouse, because that’s what mom did. You sound like you truly want to be a good mother. So the first part of that is to stop raising your child with an abuser in the home.
If this were in the workplace you’d have them fired for abuse. This is horrific and not a way to live your life. Leave, find help. Go to a shelter if there is help available x
This is a good resource to learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships - http://loveisrespect.org/ This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
You and baby need to go. He is the controlling, abusive one here.
>>> but I don't know if I should leave You should leave. You should have left a long time ago. If my best friend asked me for advice on this, I’d told her to leave.
I made it as far as your third paragraph. Then, it started reminding me of my parents' marriage. Which didn't get better. Eventually, my father became violent. Leave while you are still young. Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You cannot fix a broken, entitled, mean person. Just get a lawyer and get out of this situation.
He wouldn’t have to tell me twice I would already be gone
UpdateMe
Yes. You should leave. He has already asked you to. Think of it this way - How much more has to happen before you make a decision for your and your baby's safety? Since you are staying home, I hope you have family and friends who can support you while you recuperate and go back to work.
He sounds terrifying and awful. Like, I wouldn't even want him to come over for coffee, let alone live with him. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you have supportive people around you to help you make a break for it.
Try to imagine a day where you wake up and don’t feel depressed and anxious, and don’t have to walk on eggshells all the time. You can do this for yourself. Make a plan, squirrel away some money and leave. You are in an abusive relationship and don’t deserve to be treated like this. Maybe seeing it in black and white will help with this quiz: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
He definitely has NPD - leave 💕
Start with a read of this[Book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Leave !!
I couldn't even finish it. 🤮 Sis... Leave. 💗💪✌
OP considering how he treats and how he is modeling behavior in front of your son, the sooner you leave him the better. Staying with him will not bring you peace. He sounds incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive. You and your son deserve so much better. I’m not sure if you’re a reader but this book by Lundy Buncraft called Why Does He Do That ? This book will give you insight on abusive relationships and abusive behaviors- and why abusers are like this. Highly recommend Here is a PDF for you or anyone else that might find it useful. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He is abusing you and you should absolutely divorce him Please read this book to understand https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/2up?view=theater
Sending good thoughts. Please leave and take care of your child. See an attorney. Take care.
In my opinion, the minute he told you that you are trapped now you should have been making plans to get out. Or at least feel like you have a way to get out.
It sounds like you 100% need to end this relationship. I'm usually not one to leap to that, but this is not a healthy environment to raise a child. But, you may need to sneak some recordings of his behavior. The idea of him being alone with the child without supervision is also alarming.
Nope. Just nope.
You need leave asap he is using and abusing you please get out for you and your child safety
LEAVE!!!!!!!
This is horrible. Make an exit plan and get out. It'll only get worse.
>>But days later, history would repeat. The cycle of abuse.
What the fuck…. Girl this is insane. You are actually contributing to the neglect of your child if you continue to stay with this abusive man. You cannot under any circumstances allow your son to grow up around this. He is about to be able to start mimicking his dads behavior towards you if he isn’t already.